#even my Autistic ass knew what she meant

[swampndn]

Ugh, I love being in my power era. I put a gossipy bitch in line at lunch, was flirted with by a bartender (and he was fucking FINE) who kept referring to me as mami (and my friend I was with was simply "ma'am" so that was real clear), killed a networking event, and got AGGRESSIVELY flirted with at the event by another woman in my field. I'm just like yes, universe. This is the ENERGY I DESERVE

[a-dumb-sarcastic-bisexual]

Nimona headcanons plus little bonus part 2 electric boogaloo

After Nimona found out about Ambrosius' allergies they demanded to test every single meal he eats 

They’ll take the plate away from him and have a test bite and only after they deem it “safe” will they let him eat it

Doesn’t matter if they're out eating or at home she does this every time 

He can literally say “Nim Bal made this for me it’s not gonna have anything I’m allergic to” and she’ll respond with “You don’t know that he could finally be sick of you and the only thing saving you is me” 

Ambrosius and Bal will share literally everything they eat 

Whenever they go out they’ll usually order something they know they’ll both like 

And if they know the other one is between two options they’ll just order one of the options and share both meals 

It’s a pretty normal thing that they’ve been doing since they were kids so they don’t even question it anymore 

Nimona jokingly calls it sickening as she steals food off their plates 

No one in the trio is neurotypical 

Bal is autistic Ambrosius has ADHD Nimona is a mix of both

Talking to these dorks is absolute hell

It’s kind of like the interrogation scene except it’s not one topic 

They often get sidetracked and lose the plot of the conversation 

They’ll have 10 different conversations at once and only finish like 5

Bal forgets a whole bunch of shit because he has long-term brain damage and Nimona and Ambrosius forget shit cause of the ADHD 

It’s not uncommon for someone to say “Hey remind me to” and then they’ll be cut off by the other person who just says “You know I won’t remember that just put a reminder in your phone” 

Their house is covered to the brim in sticky notes and random pieces of paper for reminders 

The grocery list is on the front door the chore list is in the kitchen and random little tasks are scattered around the house 

When Nimona doesn’t want to do something he’ll just erase his name from that task

He fooled the boys for a while but Bal started keeping score of who did what and when and called his sneaky ass out 

Little bonus part 2 electric boogaloo: this time it’s my sister and my mama and my sister also was acting like I was killing her firstborn not asking her to watch a movie 

Me: “look mama it’s the siblings” my sister: “but they’re gay” me: “yeah but people thought they were siblings” my sister: “if you ever look at me like that I’m calling the cops” (the scene on the catwalk) 

“Yeah you better cheer” (when Bal was getting knighted)

“I knew something was wrong with the sword” “So did Bal” “Yeah but I knew first”

Apparently both my Mama and my sister didn’t know that Ambrosius cut off Bal’s arm so I got to see both of their reactions 

This was my Mama’s “damn what happened to being a lover not a fighter” “he’s a knight Mama” “Who cares!!” 

This was my sister's “Wow really took the whole arm huh?” “That’s how they were trained” “And?” 

My mama was talking to my sister when Nimona met Bal “Who does that remind you of?” “Roo” “Exactly”

 “Oh look it’s tiny dick!” (Talking about Todd) 

“What a fucking bitch” (when she found out the director swapped the sword) 

This was when Bal and Ambrosius were fighting Me: “Is there anything gayer than having an argument in the middle of a sword fight” My mama: “They’ll fight with their other swords later” 

“Who fucking asked” “bla bla bla I’m a racist bitch” (when the Director went on her monologue in the office)

She saw Ambrosius’ username and laughed for like two minutes straight

After the sword fight my sister would pretend like Bal and Ambrosius were making out every time they were on screen together 

“Because I love you *making out noises*” at the tavern 

“Oh there’s their third wheel (Todd)” “Nah he’s racist as fuck” “Who isn’t in the institute?”

When Ambrosius tried to stop the director she said this is what he meant “No you can’t set off the laser that’s my kid!” (She believes the trio is a family too) 

“Awe they’re hugging *more making out noises*” 

She called it cute in the end and I made fun of her for bitching about it

I asked my sister who her favorite is and she says “what’s his name balls?” I started cackling my ass off and she goes “I’m joking I know his name is Ballister and he’s still my favorite”

[rainbowspinch]

I have a quotes page that me and my partner have been trying to keep up with for the past 5 years. Here are some ones that I love

“The girl mosquitoes are just blood sucking leeches, like look around the room it’s like real life”

“I would ride all over their graves”

“The core is....oh that’s a lot of hot”

“Just because the computers are as fast as I am, they think they rule the world. They DON’T.”

“If ankles are the price I must pay to convince everyone I’m not cheating on my boyfriend, then so be it”

“Stop twisting my words before I start twisting your neck”

“T: that shit was like my cocaine

LY: cocaine is my cocaine”

“If you expect me to stop being stupid, you need to lower your expectations”

“If the school is gonna take such shit photos for the smart riders, they should atleast get a better camera so it’s shit but in good quality”

“The whole world was ruled by jellyfish”

“Did you know that there’s still dinosaurs around? Like cassowaries”

“When you say that orange is the best zooper dooper you’ve entered the argument area”

“Usually people like you, who get bullied, grab a knife and go around stabbing people”

“I don’t wanna die from a NUT, that’s just pathetic”

“My shoes look like a fucking bionicle”

“Why are you wearing a speedo, what is WRONG WITH YOU”

“I will swivel chair into your head, move bitch”

“Due to technical reasons I have ADHD I think”

“It’s because I’m Italian. OUI OUI!!”

“We have to run to both the base lines?? Go kill yourself!! Consider MY feelings!”

“I think being autistic and having a nut allergy is a great combination”

“Get out or I’m gonna COVID kick your ass”

“How do you even survive my presence? My virtual presence. Social distancing.”

“Thank you ma'am, you are my favorite person, much homo *insert gay flag that android doesn't have*”

The meat man is coming in the morning”

“NO GAYS ALLOWED ON THE GOLF COURSE”

“There’s a spider on me, i should kill myself”

“His 5 hearts have been shot”

“Sprout some fucking legs”

“The year is...the year is 2”

“Haha, you thought you knew what I would do, but alas, I am unpredictable”

“Get your fingers out of the mud, boy”

“Stop fondling the worms”

“It’s fucking Shaggy, do you know what he’s capable of?!”

“Why do I have mind dreams from another timeline”

“The unborn babies news report”

“I’m feeling served hot and fresh”

“They’ve been through a lot, these ankles of mine”

“L: I feel like a sub species of human

LY: You are, you’re- *hand gesture* you’re really down there’”

“You walk into his house and the jazz stops”

“I found my father by the way. Just a heads up”

“I trust Jesus to look after my hot wheels”

“It meant he hadn’t been crunchin’-a-munching on my lip balm”

“Oh there’s a spider. Come closer :]”

“The 2 second rule in driving is how much time you have to eat your car after you drop it”

“Longing to reality shift to kiss some boys”

“The secret ingredient is cheating”

“You can date on Tumblr I just can’t guarantee it’ll go well”

“A: you’re an accomplice!

LY: Grease lightning-“

“I’ve got a tongue twister for you. FUCK”

“If the shoe fits? If the shoe fits up your ASS”

“You move like a transition slide”

“S: Jesus can FUCK off

H: Jesus has fucked off twice already, Sarah”

“My concept of linear time is not very linear”

“Hold on I’m sending a man to court”

“I promise, but only until I change my mind”

“Being attracted to me is healthy”

“Mood. Not that I’ve been hit by a car, but I do eat cucumbers”

“2 blonde bitches fighting for the throne and she’s not even a real blonde”

“You have so many issues and they’re all unresolved”

“I am my own target audience, and that audience has been met”

“I swear on my nana”

“I started drawing and suddenly I was Christian”

“Get these blonde molecules out of me”

“Lucy, your camera roll is filled with yourself, what do you mean Shame?”

“The Dreamscape is leaking into reality and it’s making me an asshole!”

“Terrible news, the statues are in a dick out mood”

“Toes out to that bro. Cheers” -Spinch on this day (Saturday, 14th May 3:17pm)

“You put your whole tiddies into saying something nice”

“Cry me a goldfish”

“You have skin boy! Are you excited?”

“If you ever touch his spider polycule, he’ll bite you”

Money not well spent, so I have to keep it there as a reminder”

“White walls purple bed kind of bitch”

“Breaking someone’s legs is not very kawaii schoolgirl of her”

“Are you thinking with your brain ma’am? Or are you thinking with your feet?”

“All the left handed people will be turned into grain”

“My autism tried to give me a new gender and I had to talk myself out of it”

“Get these blonde molecules IN me”

“Caution I am choosing”

“And I take off my wig. And I take off my wig. And I take of my wig. And I take of my bald cap. And I take off my bald cap. And I take off my wig. And I’m bald”

“Don’t headcanon my parents as transgender”

“You must have talent to be able to draw this bad”

“I liked it so much that my reaction was to tell you I don’t like it”

“You pick him up by the lungs a lot”

“I wouldn’t trust you with a fetus”

“Do you have parents? Not on purpose”

“She’s timeless, she’s stagnant”

“You get your autism backpack and you can fill it with acronyms”

“LY: I hate the continental drift

L: Like the dance?’

LY: LIKE THE PLANET SPLITTING APART, PANGEA”

“I feel splinched”

“I think he’s been crying, he looks freshly born”

“He looks like what the conservatives are protecting”

“LY: I’m very tan today

L: you’re tan every day

LY: yeah it’s like it’s my skin colour or something!”

[lamphous]

my mostly adjusted but occasionally repressed manager (whom I have a crush on, yes, keep up) very specifically thanked me for the sappy store-closing post I made in the company group chat only as I was about to walk back onto the floor, after we'd been hanging out all my 15, and then made it into a joke so like. even my autistic ass knew that that meant she really meant it. and that was really nice.

and now i also understand that when the three of us old guard had a break together so she walked us to auntie annes and bought us pretzels that that was what that was about.

[riverstardis]

sweet child of mine:

poor ethannnn😫😫

cal asks ethan where he’s been, saying his phones been off and he’s been worried sick, but does that mean that cal hadn’t seen him since the end of the previous ep and if so does that mean that this is set only the day after or what??

charlie thinks ethan’s upset because of emilie’s death

lmaoo jacob grabbing connie by the waist and trying to kiss her while she’s on the phone to henrik

okay jacob just implied that it’s been a week since the last ep so did ethan disappear for a whole week???

max talking about something being zoe’s favourite film to jez who just looks at him blankly and max goes “right, you’re new” and explains who she is lmao i love seeing new characters getting caught up on things

lofty sent a gift of cupcakes he baked himself… yeahh you might wanna be careful eating that louise. there you go, he used salt instead of sugar sjskfkfk

lol big mac and noel speaking via louise even though they’re right next to each other

lmaoo zoe asks dylan how he’s getting on and he starts talking about lofty and about how he doesn’t understand why he had to quit and zoe’s like what are you talking about and he goes “well, ben” and she says she meant how he’s getting on with a report😭😭

cal apologises to iain for “grand theft ambo” so i guess this is his first day back after the time off. iain says it’s forgotten and says “sorry to hear about your mum” see iain’s another one who like connie 100% knew that emilie had huntington’s and presumably knows its inherited. now i’m not saying he should be asking them about whether they’ve been tested or whatever obviously that would be weird but it would be nice if the present day writers were aware that iain’s the only character (out of the ones who don’t know) who is at least somewhat aware that ethan could possibly have it. not that it really matters since it’s looking like ethan’s not even getting an exit storyline🙄 (unless how little the show’s been on means that his last ep’s been pushed back a long way after the usual 4 months since it was filmed🤞🏼)

“are you my mummy?” “i am” “is your job in a prison?” “yes it is” “you just said yes!” “urgh you are like the best at the yes no game ever” well that’s one way to quickly introduce a guest character isn’t it💀💀

oh i used to have one of those cheap ass tesco tablets that that girl’s got lol

ah this is the guy who kidnaps connie

connie says she didn’t expect ethan to be in today and puts him on minors. what about cal? she can just tell that ethan’s not okay

ethan’s sudden outburst when dylan asks him if he knows where the magnet lofty gave him is but then when he realises who he’s speaking to he says he heard the news and “she died with dignity, i suppose that’s something isn’t it” “dying with dignity? what does that even mean? we come into this world alone. we all leave it alone. at some stage our bodies fall apart, they let us down, and whether we’re 32 or 92 it’s always a sad, lonely process. dying is horrible, dylan. there’s no way to dress it up. you of all people know that.”😥😥😥 and then he walks out and then doubles back to say that the magnet’s in the bottom drawer and dylan’s just like🧍🏼‍♂️

i wonder if dylan remembered this when charlie told him ethan had found out when his birth mum died and thought well that explains that😭😭

also dylan seems extra autistic in this episode for some reason. maybe he just had a vaccine🤔 /j

grace and jack prank calling noel skskdkfk

ethan’s looking up huntington’s again :(

charlie finds ethan in the staff room and goes “it’s a tough hand, no doubt about it” and ethan goes “thank you charlie but i’m not my brother, i don’t need therapy sessions” well that’s a LIE

i can’t tell whether charlie knows ethan’s tested positive at this point or not because “tough hand” sounds like he does but then he could just be talking about the situation in general and he definitely didn’t seem to know at the start of ep so when did he find out? but then if he doesn’t know at this point then when, in all the time between here and the 2021 parts of begin again, does he find out because we sure as hell don’t see it on screen? basically we have no idea how or when he found out. typical🙄

ethan saying “some people make all the wrong decisions when it comes to their children” to jacob. hmm last time i watched this was during the time he’d given bodhi up soooo yes indeed

lmaoo grace asks jack what’s up with big mac and noel and he says “lovers tiff” and she goes “what, they’re gay?”

jack and louise lock big mac and noel in a store cupboard until they talk it out shskdkfk

jacob literally ripping a whole pipe off the wall with his bare hands for connie😭😭😭

aw lily asking ethan to look at an x-ray and you can practically see her psyching herself up before saying “i’m sorry about your mother. even if you didn’t have a particularly good relationship with your parent, it still hurts” he’s busy watching cal flirt with someone and goes “sorry what?” and she goes “i know what your going through” she only just lost her dad so she thinks she does know but obviously she doesn’t know what he’s actually upset about and he just tells her to leave him alone

i love lily sm because you can see that she’s not really comfortable with this kind of thing but she’s still trying so hard to be there for him🥺

aww connie :(

lmao cal trying to get ethan to talk to him by saying he can cope with him blaming him but he’s still his brother and right now all he’s got and ethan goes “you know, when you fail at being a doctor, or give up, you should go into counselling”

then cal pushes him a few times and tries to get him to hit back but he just walks off :(

aww grace sees connie and jacob kissing and runs off :(

lmaoo max tells robyn he’s found them a new housemate because jez asked him earlier and she goes “his bed isn’t even cold yet!” and max is like “lofty’s not dead robyn” 😭😭

okay both zoe and dylan were watching max and robyn talk then and then they look at each other! don’t tell me they’re not trying to parallel how dylan feels about lofty with how zoe feels about max🤡

grace says connie promised it would just be the two of them and the reason she went to new york in the first place was because connie was prioritising work over her so she knows she can’t fit everyone in and something has to give and she doesn’t want it to be her again :(

she tells connie to break up with jacob or she’ll go back to her dad

okay cue the begin again flashbacks! between this ep and the next is the only possible place for them to be set because it’s after noel and big mac make up and before “be more cal”. but as i said before it still doesn’t really fit because ethan is not speaking to cal at all at this point but in begin again he was upset about the huntington’s but wasn’t avoiding cal. also it’s kinda funny that he was going to resign again when it had only been a few weeks since he last tried to😭 another thing is how stevie said it was emma’s birthday a few months ago but it was her birthday in begin again so they got that date COMPLETELY wrong

[ohhipeople]

Ok so i had some money saved up for my schools driver’s ed course and forgot to pay for it and sign the syllabus in early December. After Christmas break, in January after i realized that i was to late for the second semester course, but wanted to make sure so i asked my English teacher about it (she does the drivers ed course) informed me that as long as the syllabus was made I could sign up for the course during the summer( i think I already knew that but probably forgot about it haha)

So the next day I asked cause why not and i was told it wasn’t made yet. Routinely asked every day( or not literally every day maybe took a break in between days) or i think i asked once for 2 days after she told the syllabus thing and then i waited a day or 2 and asked for the last time and it still wasn’t made yet( thats fine i don’t mind waiting.)

i question if she was actually going to make it soon and if the truth was being told from the very beginning. The idea of teacher knowingly not telling the truth kinda pissed me off. Like idc waiting is cool, and so is the truth and if i was playing a petty game of miscommunication made to “teach me” a lesson or make me look like an impatient idiotic boundry pusher; oh boy.

But that was just a thought, until one day where I didn’t ask(just thought like specifying just because even though its not actually relevant) When the bell ringed which meant school was over, my setting being the classroom of the teach whom was the one i had asked abt driver ed, spoke to the remaining students in the classroom( obviously i was there ) then she complained about a student asking her about the drivers ed and that she doesn’t even want to do it in the summer yet. ( which is cool, but why the fuck couldn’t politely you say so in the first place?)

The student she referred to was me but because i was there my name was substituted with another student’s. Only me or some other student( I’m friends with the student who’s name was substituted with mine) would care about paying for drivers ed course and signing the syllabus as soon as possible.

trust me not i’m super eager about it/dying to do it as soon as possible. but why not do it early ? after all my dumbass might just wait too long until its filled up and it wouldn’t hurt to ask , or so I thought.

After a few days I completely agreed with myself that my teacher wasn’t going to do it soon and knew so when she told me she would do it soon. I have a autistic brain btw so i naturally cannot mind read and will believe what a person tells me. Thought it was okay to ask and thats what i was supposed to.

Sorry bout this long ass post/rant that may not make sense and possibly unnecessarily spaced paragraphs. But before u go, because this is bothering me and feel like things might get worse/ have the wrong perspective forced onto me. Could you please answer these questions.

So I’m wondering…is it just me that i think my teach was miscommunicating and making it complicated/big deal instead of properly communicating? Is this toxic behavior?

Who is right/wrong? Pls help me

Thank you

[necromoonstar]

that weird feeling when you find out that the school you went to in high school was trying to get your parents to make you go to therapy and the parent told me they don't even know why they were pushing it they assume it's just because I "was alone a lot"

What the absolute fuck

The same school that literally wouldn't let me do the language program I wanted and forced me to do a different language program "for my own good"?

The one that had a teacher that tried to put me in special ed because of my lack of spelling ability meant she thought I couldn't read very well even though I was above my reading level for my whole schooling history?

I'm starting to think that school was even more shit than I already thought I can't believe their track record

I mean maybe they wanted me to go to therapy because they saw like Autistic or ADHD traits but if they did wouldn't they have made that obvious when trying to have me go??

I really don't get it and I'm very concerned to know what they were doing and why because I was a good student I just didn't care about making friends all that much I did have friends but I didn't really care about it cuz to me going to school is a job and I did all I could to leave the job at the job (go kid me)

I don't know just hearing this and knowing how their track record was is just making me have a lot of questions on what was going in the background that the teachers never bothered to bring to my face. The fact they wouldn't bring it to my face and as far as I knew everything was fine makes it just feel even worse. Already knowing some of the teachers actively worse s*** to me makes it even more worse the more I'm thinking about it the more what the hell was that school

Fuck

The more I'm thinking about it is it because I would complain about the people bullying on the bus trying to make me suffocate by literally spraying me with things that was killing my ability to breathe was it that because oh so often I remember every time I was bullied I was the one who was made to go to the office for some reason as if I just asked for it oh wow fuck a guy who's at the bottom and was nice enough not to kick their asses

But then again they knew it was a martial artist so maybe they assumed I had to have started shit because I'm the one with the skills or something I don't know what's going through their heads school is bullshit. Especially the longer in the past it was

I keep cycling how shit it all was like being written up for using powder drink mix or using a cane when I was injured. Just fuck off

Fuck you. All of you.

[tigger8900]

The Books I Didn't Review

I dropped the ball on book reviews in 2023. I'm not surprised. It was a rougher year than 2022, and I also dropped that particular ball then as well. It's hard for me to stay motivated, especially since when I get stressed out I simultaneously read more and want to write(including blogs) less. But this is a new year(I have realized, more than two weeks into it) and I can wipe this slate clean. Start with a book I'm very excited to review, and then...nothing! Empty pile!

So I'm going to do a very brief overview of some of the books I read in the last few months of 2023. Some stuff I read completely fell through the cracks, because it had to go back to the library and I just wasn't able to write up anything about it. Most of these are ones I'd tried to save though, because I was excited to make a record of them in the blog. So I'm disappointed in myself that I couldn't do as well as I'd hoped, but at the same time I recognize that I did as well as I could. Haven't ragequit my job. Still meeting the important bills. Am reading, and writing, and having weird-ass dreams about what if Beauty and the Beast were mutual beards. So it could be a lot worse. Let's see what happens when I give myself permission to start fresh.

Golden Boys, by Phil Stamper

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2

Young adult gen fic. This is Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but with less 00s-era weirdness. Brotherhood of the super gay boys, as I deemed it in a work e-mail. I didn't expect to like this one, but I actually found myself incredibly invested in these boys' lives. I especially appreciated how their friendships were centered above all else, even in the cases where romance was also taking place. I intend to read the sequel if I can find time, because y'all I have *got* to know where these boys go next.

The Darkness Outside Us, by Eliot Schrefer

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Young adult science fiction. This is a love story, but not a traditional romance(even though it starts out looking like a straightforward enemies to lovers in space). High appeal to people who enjoy brainfucky sci-fi as well as gay romance, though if you come solely for the romance you're probably going to walk away disappointed, confused, and possibly vaguely traumatized. I'm so glad my coworker insisted I pick it up, because I never would have read this based on the cover.

Horse Barbie, by Geena Rocero

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Adult memoir. This is about a Filipino trans woman's experience in the pageant circuit in the Philippines as well as her time modeling in the US. I wasn't really into the performance-oriented segments, but I found it illuminating how she contrasted the US's legal acceptance(but social hostility) of trans identity with the Philippines' social acceptance(but legal hostility). Someone who's more into glamour/fashion might get more out of it than I did, but it's still a solid trans memoir even if you're not into that stuff.

Never Whistle at Night, edited by Shane Hawk and Theodore C. Van Alst Jr.

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2

Adult short stories. This is an anthology of "dark fiction," horror-adjacent, centering North American indigenous voices. Almost all of the two dozen~ stories were good or great, hitting a diverse selection of tones and content. I loved too many of them to list favorites. The stories might not be the type to make you check under the bed, but come prepared to be unsettled and disturbed.

Citadel, by C. M. Alongi

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2

Adult science fiction. Featuring a nonverbal autistic protagonist, who seems to have been researched very thoroughly, this is a story about uncovering the truth about what happened long ago. My main gripe is that it ends rather suddenly, leaving me feeling like there's meant to be a sequel, but as far as I can tell there's no plans for that. But the story it told was fantastic, I just wish I knew where some of the loose ends and teased bits were going. Probably has strong crossover appeal to an older YA audience.

Blackouts, by Justin Torres

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Adult general fiction. Won the national book award this past year. Three and a half stars for the novel, bumped up to four for the excellent use of blackout poetry on found text throughout. It's about an inter-generational friendship between two gay men, one of whom is on his deathbed and gifts the other a selectively blacked-out copy of Sex Variants, a real publication from the 40s, as well as a selection of other photographs and artifacts. This is all characters and no plot. Highly recommend reading this in the print edition, as the best parts seem like they won't translate to audio.

Out There Screaming, edited by Jordan Peele

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Adult short stories. Horror-adjacent "dark fiction"(to borrow a phrase from a previous book) centering Black voices working in a variety of formats and genres. Picked this up for the names included(Nnedi Okorafor, Tananarive Due, N.K. Jemisin, Rebecca Roanhorse, P. Djèlí Clark, Tochi Onyebuchi, and of course Jordan Peele himself), but was happy to enjoy some of the other stories as well. My favorite story by an anticipated author was Clark's Hide & Seek(though it had stiff competition), and my favorite story by a new-to-me author was Nicole D. Sconiers's A Bird Sings by the Etching Tree.

The Possibilities, by Yael Goldstein-Love

⭐⭐⭐ 1/2

Adult speculative fiction. A new mom struggles with contradictory memories of whether or not her child survived the birth. Then he disappears, as if he'd never been, and she has to go find him. I haven't read/seen Everything Everywhere All At Once, but people keep bringing it up when I describe this book to them, so it must be similar! Heavy content warning for baby-related trauma. This is not the book for you if you're going through an anxious time with a pregnancy or young child!

The Future, by Naomi Alderman

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2

Adult speculative fiction. In the near-future, tech bro CEOs have a plan for the end of the world. In the lead-up and as the plan deploys, we follow a survivalist blogger and a cult survivor who muses about the end of the world seen through the lens of god's wrath. A surprisingly hopeful pre-apocalyptic(the event itself happens roughly 3/4 of the way through) novel, with some sapphic shenanigans in the background. Funny coincidence: I finished this and handed it to my mom at the same time as she tried to hand me The Power by the same author. 😂

Us, by Sara Soler, translated by Silvia Perea Labayen

⭐⭐⭐ 1/2

Adult graphic novel memoir. Originally published in Spain, this is the story of Sara Soler's experience when her partner comes out as a trans woman. I read this hoping for more insight to their particular experience, especially when Soler mentioned early on that she discovered she was demisexual, but ultimately it reads as more of a primer to trans issues in general. No hate for that, it's just not what I was expecting. While this is marketed to adults, I think there's cross-appeal to teens who are interested in the subject matter. There was nothing that struck me as particularly scandalous, mostly a lot of swearing.

[wholesomequeershit]

Ok so this is long winded so bear with me because I have to share this mind bogglingly wholesome queer story.

So a few years back our CFO and COO asked if I could go to our manufacturing plant to meet with our finance manager (we’ll call her April) because some annual reporting thing she had to do took up like 2 weeks+ of her time and they wanted to see if I could help automate some of that for her. So that she could use her time on more important and less mind-numbingly boring and tedious work.

Short version; I made it so a 2 week manual process became a 2 minute automated one. April was soooooo happy that she refused to take no for an answer when she offered to take me to lunch. During lunch, she was stressed about her granddaughter (we’ll call her June) and was talking to me about it. June was struggling with depression so I gave April some general advice on how to support her granddaughter. That the biggest thing is just making sure June knew that she was loved and there were people there to help if and when needed. Also covered how to find a therapist, if June was interested in talking with someone. Understanding medication options. Dispelling a lot of the miss information about a lot of those things etc, etc. April and I ended up becoming friends. Or probably more accurately: April adopted me as another of her grandkids.

A few months later, we were having lunch again and she was talking about June again because she seemed stressed about something. Turns out June had mentioned she thought that she was bi. April was totally confused about it. Not bigoted or hateful, just really didn’t understand what being bi, gay, etc meant and wasn’t sure what to do. I did my best to explain and give some advice on how to be supportive. A week or two later, I got a text from June (who I’ve never met at this point) saying thank you for talking to her grandmother who had apparently also then explained all-the-things to her mum (we’ll call her May [see what I did there?]) and just generally make everyone more understanding. Happy days.

My wife and I ended up getting invited to a giant family get together after that (like Fillipino scale giant). This is when I actually met June and May for the first time. June said something along the lines of: “So you and my grandma are like best friends or something? I don’t really understand but thank you so much for talking to her about everything” and proceeds to crush me in the most sincere and awkward hug ever. And even my hug-adverse autistic ass couldn’t help but get a few happy tears (and this is before I was on E!).

So fast forward more than a year. I had just come out at work and HR just sent out a company-wide email saying: “Deadname is Juno now, don’t dare call her anything else, k? K, tnx, baiiiiii xoxoxox”. I hadn’t told April I was trans at this stage. Later that day though, I got a text from April saying she’d told June about my new name and that June’s response was: ‘AWESOME’”.

An hour or so after that I got another text from April saying June changed their name to <something *glaringly* gender neutral> (let’s go for the meme and say Socks) and that Socks was going to text me later about something.

Socks texted me and was saying congrats and how proud they were of me. Then says they just finished having an “info session” with April about sex, gender & orientation. Which was when Socks dropped the bomb on me. Apparently, while explaining all things gender, trans and queer to April who “was taking it all really well”, they took the opportunity to explain to April that the reason they changed their name was they’re not “she” but actually non-binary and using they/them now. Then they thanked me for helping them come out a *second* time to their family. And I just sort of started bawling my eyes out.

If that’s not wholesome queer shit ever, I don’t know what is.

[kelmping]

memory post incoming (last update: nov 7)

i don’t. remember much. pre-gowpenny. i only have a couple of memories, and they’re… weird.

i was born on december 13th, 2002. a friday. because fucking of course it was. my mom raised me on her own until i was about eight, at which point i started to tumble through the foster system. i don’t know what happened, but it was definitive that i would never and could never return to her care.

i know i was an undiagnosed autistic (which i. figured out later), along with some other stuff (anxiety, depression, adhd, ptsd, a separate complex ptsd diagnosis…) so i wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out i had memory problems. (the rest of my system does too, so.)

i know that i was kind of a loner, though. people tended not to like me, so i just stayed out of their way unless i needed something. sometimes that meant sitting alone to read at recess as a kid. sometimes it meant just staying low and quiet and hoping to whatever the hell is out there that nobody found me wherever i was sleeping on the streets.

suicide cw: i wasn’t. always. super crazy about being alive. i found out i couldn’t die the hard way. and even then, i tested it more than once.

i experienced psychotic symptoms, though not always with the same regularity. as i got a handle on my magic, they eased up, but i’d go through stretches that lasted for weeks without too much… intrusion? it was manageable. but then there would also be stretches of time where i didn’t trust myself with my wand and told my familiar to fuck off back to iowa. my friends were a really big help ;;;

jammer was my first best friend. k and sam started out as regular friends, but we all got closer as time went on. (i took after jammer a lot, heh. that’s social mimicry for you.)

he also had locs similar to lou wilson’s, with the bleached ends from mismag and the length from fantasy high.

k kept going by dream among the four of us, so i use their names (as well as she/they/he/xe pronouns) interchangeably.

i did have a silly crush on them. we dated, just like in canon. but i also dated jammer, and k also dated sam, who was… the label i would use now for the two of us would be an unspoken queerplatonic partnership.

i wasn’t really. as… giggly. as brennan played me being, when i first told philtrum i didn’t want to be magical. i was more, just. scared. apologetic. i was worried she’d toss me out on my ass with no help either way.

oh my god. you have no idea how stressful it was to listen to the first part of episode 4. i already knew i hadn’t given up my magic, but watching it play out was… whoof.

i think there were some minor differences between what happened in canon and my actual reactions. i don’t remember them very well, though.

i just. collapsed. after the whole thing with sam and the shadow. grabbed sam as tight as i could and broke down sobbing. and i was. really. really lucky to have such amazing friends.

the fuckingggg. stupid goddamn tournament arc. k is so fucking cool, and i was like. genuinely fucking scared i was gonna kill that guy from rosewood or rosewand or whatever the hell his school was called. that bravado was allllll me just channeling jammer as much as fucking possible. i was shaking as i got ready. probably still as the duel actually started.

the duel went differently than it did in canon. i guess the roll was low, or too high, or. something. i don’t know. but i didn’t just send that kid to hell, like, mentally. he was physically dead for between five and thirty seconds. time is. an enigma. and i just stood there shaking as he dropped.

as soon as i snapped out of it i rushed forward to… i don’t know, try to help somehow? but nurse stitchnit pushed me aside and resuscitated him. i almost sobbed when he started breathing again, even though he was coughing up blood.

the guilt of that ate away at me for a long time. it still does, sometimes. but he lived, and i’m very glad he did. and, frankly, glad he was able to tell me to fuck off afterwards. good for him. lord knows i deserved it.

needless to say, it was much less, uh. jubilant. i just wanted to sit down and be left alone, but i was lucky to have friends who understood that i both shouldn’t be completely alone and couldn’t talk about it.

jammer’s link with alexis had lingering effects that manifested both magically and as scars and chronic pain. most of the time he was alright, but overworking himself would wipe him out for weeks.

i love my friends. a lot. like, yeah, i was dating k and jammer, but. all three of them were my fucking family. sometimes we’d all end up sleeping on a couch in the common room, or in a single. twin. bed. with four teenagers in it. it was a mess, and physically uncomfortable at times, but i literally never felt emotionally safer than when we were all just hanging out and doing fuck all.

nurse stitchnit is like. almost a dad to me? like a surrogate, adoptive dad. he was always the adult that i trusted most. he offered to let me stay with him at the end of the school year, actually. i had plans, though.

the holiday special. um. the party? when i felt that darkness creeping up? instant panic attack. hence the, uh. freaking out. apologies for that.

pretty sure the icy water inside tad was, like. magical in the sense that it was cold enough to cause frostbite with too much contact, similarly to how human blood is hot inside the body. it “damaged” my hand like when i grabbed penfrew.

also. broken ribs. not fun. i was concussed too, and i just wanted my friends close, but it hurt to hold them too tightly.

i guess the “roll” of my timeline that dream did to heal me failed, because i remember that the recovery took a while and was pretty miserable. thankfully, i was also pretty out of it. and my friends and nurse stitchnit made sure i knew i wasn’t alone. they took good care of me.

i was asked at one point why i slept, like. curled up? i didn’t really realize i did it. something, something, autism, something, something, growing up really tall while trying to avoid being noticed Too Much. probably. i dunno.

at the end of the year, i went to stay with my friends for the three months of break. jammer, then k, then sam. i don’t remember a lot of specifics, but i know their families were at least nice.

i showed up in the background of some of sam’s streams by accident, while i was staying with her. i had a weird little mini-fanbase within her fans? it was. interesting. kinda flattering, kinda weird. that one comment section spell came in handy. (eventually i did a stream with her. it was a lot of fun, honestly.)

sam encouraged me to start my own channel, so i decided to document my experiences as a first-generation mage living with both psychological issues and genuine curses. it had a pretty wide range, from relaxed gaming streams and pictures of myself and my friends to dream’s multi-hour video essays about social issues that i’d helped write. (i eventually learned to separate that stuff out, though, considering i gained a sizable following despite still being fairly reserved.)

at some point, jammer effectively said this:

down the line, years post-gowpenny, we had a daughter named bailey. biologically she was sam and jammer’s, but all four of us were her parents. (sam was mom/mama, k was ren/renny, jammer was papa/pop, and i was dad.) we all loved her more than anything, and the day she was born was one of the best of my life.

at an indeterminate point post-gowpenny (after we’d all graduated), i lost my right leg from about the knee down. unfortunately for the others, i also Could Not stay still, and spent more time than i probably should have using them as makeshift supports. mostly jammer, since he was the closest to me in height, but sam and dream were just as willing to help me out. and i’m pretty sure stitchnit ended up needing to carry me a couple of times…

[dex-starr]

God dude my brain really out to get me like I’m taking my meds I’m doing the work but it just doesn’t stop???

Stop thinking about her dude, stop thinking about what you lost!!! Snap out of it!!!!

The problem I have is I’m hyper-aware of myself and hyper-aware of the things that went wrong and what I did wrong and what was done wrong to me but I ignore the latter!!!!! I try to give them another chance like they’ll come back or want me back but why???? I shouldn’t right? Even though I loved them that much right???? It’s not good for me I think??? Distance wouldn’t work anyway right???? They’ve moved on I think so why??? Why must you do this to yourself dude, it’s not helping you out at all. I’m actively yelling at myself on the fucking hellsite and sometimes I wonder if they even care enough to check up on me but I don’t think so. So why am I doing that to myself too????? Why am I hoping I get what I want??? Why do I think that, that never happens don’t be delusion.

There is no storybook ending for you, you know this. You know how things usually end. People end up alone on their deathbed more often than not even with their loved ones being around, what happened to your pops? He died alone, probably thinking you were upset at him. What’s going to happen to you dude? You’re on the same path, you have the same predisposition even though you’ve stayed away from all that. Even though for the most part you’ve lived clean. You still have those health problems that almost killed you. Yeah you took control but it’s there, the damage was done. You both knew you were damaged dude but you didn’t want to face it. You dragged her through a lot and maybe she didn’t sign up for someone like you. Who would??? Why would you think you were her ‘soulmate’ what a crock of shit dude. You weren’t that, you weren’t forgiven for being an autistic adhd sperg fuck. You weren’t understood for that so why do you insist on holding these feelings dude? Fuck dude you’re so stupid about this girl and she doesn’t even think twice about you anymore and probably wants you fucking dead over you being socially maladapted as fuck for some things but knowing how to cover them until it was too late. And you know what’s the kicker? You thought you both were the same on some ways but different. Like two sides of the same coin. But no you weren’t.

Simpatico my ass, two peas on a pod my ass. It wasn’t meant to be why are you still doing this to yourself why do you still feel for them!!!!!!!! Snap out of it

[queen-of-my-goofball-army]

Undiagnosed Autism-spectrum disorder in The Michells Vs The Machines

I'm sure that more well educated people have put two and two together in this film but I really, really want to put my own spin on it from my experience. For me, as an aspie, film is one of my biggest interests. I love studying and more than anything I love watching and rewatching films. My latest favorite movie was one that I just watched last night for my family movie night, The Michells Vs The Machines. I also went 17 years of my life asking myself the same question that both Rick and his daughter ask each other, what is wrong with him/her?

Well, I'll tell you, in my firmly undiagnosed autistic opinion for far too long, that this family is full of people with undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder. When I was watching it with my parents my mom made the comment that "the dad was a jerk" and maybe "he just didn't love his daughter enough to let her be her own person." I thought that was so not seeing the bigger picture even though it was only fifteen minutes into the film. I have felt like Katie so much with my own dad. My dad is a computer nerd and a physics major for those of you that don't talk to me very often. That means in laminas terms that he's extremely smart. Way smarter than I will ever be in my entire life. Both of my parents are insanely smart in their own rights. My mom is a CPA accountant. But that isn't what I wanted to talk about here. I want to discuss the effect of undiagnosed autism and what it can do to a whole family when they all have it and just don't know that they do. This will probably go on for quite some time so you may stop here or read below the cut because this also has the probablity of getting super, duper personal.

We'll start with Katie! To me, Katie is one of the most relatable characters that I have ever come across. She's a film nerd, which alone has made her supremely relatable as somebody who is thinking about going into a degree in film studies. I am more of a critic of film than somebody who wants to make her own film but nonetheless, there were SO many little moments that I related to. The first thing that I personally noticed and related to was the stimming technique that Katie has. She chews on her hoodie strings. As somebody who has chewed on the drawstrings of hoodies far too often long before I was officially put into the Aspergers box. Aspies are also known to stick with one "special interest" for the rest of their lives if it's one that is wide enough and varied enough to make it applicable. For Katie, that's film. For me that's animation. I appreciated that little detail of most of her dialogue being references to other films because as a lover of films and movies in general I could go for days on just fumes and movie references that nobody else understands. The little things from her hair being perpetually messy (same that's a whole ass mood like I just learned over quarantine how to tye my own hair back), only having one earring in her ear at all times, the way that she dresses and draws on her own hands, this was just me when I was first in high school. I was one of the few people that wore shorts underneath all my skirts/dresses. Everyone who knew about looked at me like I had grown a third eyeball.

Aaron, the younger brother, also just oozes spectrum lil buddy out of his every pore from his being. I do think that they should have picked somebody capable of doing a bit of a younger sounding voice (I know what they were going for, but like Ben Schwartz has become a huge deal in both voice acting and live action before switching mediums.) His special interest is actually quite a common one, he loves dinosaurs. I've met a bunch of people on the spectrum that are fascinated by dinos and what they meant for the world as well as the universe as a whole. To me, there was one scene specifically that was the scene where Katie was lightly teasing him when they were going to the half assed dinosaur extravaganza. For me, this was SO relatable because both of my parents will mess with me about my interests most of the time it's when we go to Disneyland, they'll tell me that we actually aren't going to land of magic but to Timbuckto (hopefully one day they'll say some place else just to switch things up.) I related so hard to Aaron's protesting and whining in this scene since that is always my reaction to doing something that I want to do but get told that I can't do that thing.

Linda is more of your traditional mom but I think that she's on the spectrum as well. Just a more... normalized version as opposed to her family. She's able to be a teacher, she's able to interact somewhat normally around her neighbors. If anything, she reminded me of my own mom. This independent, takes nobody's trash (especially not her husband's), strong minded, and amazing mother who is completely in control of everything. She knows the special interests of her children and is constantly thinking of what will make them happy. Whether it be taking a detour for something dinosaur related, reminding her daughter that her dad loves her no matter what, and even something as simple as watching something that her daughter made and put her heart and soul into. I can't tell you how many times my mom has watched something with me. She watched my first anime Soul Eater with me when I was 12 and ever since then has been trying to get me to watch other shows with her. She's a lot like Linda, your loving, but firm mother who just wants her family to work things out.

Whew boy. This one is going to be probably where I cry. Comparing my dad to Rick is... something that I did consistently when I was watching the film. He's the strong but silent type usually, unless your me and he's just this constant annoyance when I'm trying to do something. He could be seen as just a "Jerk" but I think that is the undiagnosed aspie talking. Rick and Katie just struggle so hard to see eye to eye because their special interests can't intersect to save their lives. This, this hurt me because so often I struggle to relate to my dad. Especially when he talks to me about computers or physics. Now I took physics but without having been in quarantine and having him as my live in tutor I would have failed, not gotten an A. This has resulted me in saying things that I don't mean in the heat of the moment when we do argue. It doesn't happen nearly as much as it used to back when I was in middle school but when it happened it was because of one thing. I lied. I used to lie a lot because I felt so unworthy of being his daughter because on my best days I am not technically smart. You want to know how many nations of the world there were in 1991 when the original Animaniacs was airing? You want to hear my Dot Warner impression? Did you ever wonder how to recognize a specific voice when your watching anime? Have you ever had to watch a panel of your favorite anime voice actor just to laugh at something? No, well I did. But ever since I have started taking a quarter off from community college I have realized something. I am not technically smart. I struggle at learning the rules for math. My dad can do this with his eyes closed but me, I struggle and look like a complete moron. It took years for my dad and I to see eye to eye. Sometimes I still wonder if I was the product of some laboratory experiment of what would happen if two intelligent people came together, fell in love, and expecting that the daughter was smart I was the reject. Watching this movie with my dad I saw so much of my relationship with him on the screen. Struggling to relate to one another, fighting and getting into arguments about petty things, and not being able to be in the same room as one another without heated words because I didn't get him.

The scene that I related to the most when it was in terms of how much Katie just doesn't understand her dad was after he was nabbed by the machines. When Aaron asked her why she said those things to their dad and her simple answer was "I don't know." This. This right here was when I saw me. So many times I've gotten into heated arguments with my dad when he has simply annoyed me at the wrong time and I've just blown up in his face. Then I regret my actions and not know how to apologize for losing my temper with him because "I don't know" just doesn't seem like a nearly acceptable answer. I felt this in my soul because it happened especially often before I was diagnosed.

When I was diagnosed, things started to get better with my dad and I. We haven't had a fight in nearly four years now. He watches cartoons with me now to try and relate to me, it's mostly Pinky and The Brain but it's more than I could have ever asked for. I love my dad so much, more than anything in the entire world. This movie is so, so good at telling a story about how a family of undiagnosed aspie's and people on the spectrum struggle to relate to one another because their special interests are different.

Special interests and family's are especially difficult and I applaud this movie so loud because of the way that it was able to treat the subject matter with integrity and honesty. I'm sorry if this analysis got a little bit long in the toof but thank you for sticking with me! I really hope that if you watched the film you loved my analysis.

[alexawynters]

TW

Venting. Don’t take this too seriously it’s fine I’m fine.

So my recent ex gf of 8 months (I count the time we were fucking around as well as dating bc let’s not lie I caught feels early because I’m pathetic) who broke up with me a little over two months ago is now hooking up with one of my closest friends.

Its cool. I still cry myself to sleep, have nightmares, and wake up crying throughout the night but it’s fine. I spend more time drunk than sober (I had been doing so well! It was two years since I was last an alcoholic) and replaying every red flag, every moment where I thought to myself “you know, I don’t think she really likes me, you don’t treat the people you like this way right?” And then my dumb desperate ass was like “no we’re going to overlook this because surely she would tell me right? Besides I’m asking for too much, I should just be grateful she even expressed any interest at all. Stop being needy. Stop asking for anything other than what she is giving you because you’re lucky she’s even with you, what’s wrong with you?

Like. The first two months we were together? I called my besties every other week crying because I felt like a human sex toy. She didn’t even seem to want to do relationship things. I didn’t understand why she even asked me out, I had told her before we got together if all she wanted to be was fwb that was okay. But she asked me out so I was like okay cool. You want to date me. As in be in a relationship. I’m excited for this. Let’s do relationship things. We didn’t often do relationship things. We did sexual ones instead.

Then after two months suddenly the sex all but stopped. I thought to myself okay cool every relationship hits a plateau, and levels out. This is normal. Little did I know that was the slow death of us. The. I was calling my besties every other week again, still crying, begging to know what I was doing wrong. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t she seem interested but was still with me? What was I doing wrong? What was I not doing enough of, or too much of, or just not doing right? What was wrong with me that I couldn’t seem to interest her beyond the bare bones minimum?

I found myself begging for her to spend time with me. I lived with roommates who were our friends, and it always felt like she wanted to spend more time with them than me. I had to ask her if we could have some “just us” nights which, rarely were ever actually just us unless we went out. There were times she would literally, every five minutes look out the window to see when my roommates were home, and I was like ???? Do you not want to spend time with me? She would go to the kitchen to get something and be gone for twenty minutes to an hour at a time, having gotten distracted and hanging out with them. Which isn’t inherently bad to be clear but it happened so often and I wondered. I never forgot about her when I was leaving the room and got stopped for a conversation. If I knew I was going to be long I would text her to invite her or let her know.

I had even told her if she wants to just hang out with them, she could. I genuinely wouldn’t have minded that. Have fun with your friends, you should. I could hang out in my room and be me (I’m incredibly introverted, autistic, and have anxiety, and the living situation had me ~*stressed*~ out) but she didn’t want to do that.

If we were out on a date, she was almost always texting, or snap chatting somebody else. I always tried to make it a point to focus on us when we were in dates, but it never felt reciprocated. I brought it up and then felt like an asshole for already asking for just us time, and now to please not be on your phone when we’re on a date. She looked so sad, like I had scolded her. I would replay it over and over in my head - I tried to be gentle and polite, not accusing or angry. I checked my words carefully and ran them by multiple people to try to be as non aggressive and non accusatory as I could before I ever spoke them to her. Clearly I didn’t succeed.

She has OCD (nothing against it and I usually found it endearing) and would sometimes go into a loop. I always tried to help her but usually just ended up frustrating her. She snapped at me on occasions including in front of my friends and didn’t often apologize for it. Something my friends brought up after she did it in front of them, and I made excuses for it. She was stressed out, I would be too, stop being so hard on her.

She never planned anything with me, I always had to do it. I brushed it off as her having anxiety and not liking planning, but when she asked me “oh we’re still doing that?” for the trip for my nieces wedding in which I was taking her to meet my (extremely judgey) family, the trip that I had been updating her on weekly about the plans trying to get any input from her on, the trip that I had to pull in favors for and grovel to get the time off to go to? I should have said never mind and cancelled it.

She didn’t even help plan my birthday. My best friends did, and showed me the texts where they were getting frustrated with her lack of input on it because she’s my girlfriend and surely she would want to participate in that? Want to help surprise me? It was my first surprise party ever. I told her thank you and she acted like she had absolutely had a hand in planning. Meanwhile my friends all got together while she and I were gone to vent about how pisses they were at her for her lack of effort.

I have some childhood trauma and I don’t like to be touched sexually. I’ll touch my partner and even enjoy it but I don’t like being touched. It triggers me. But she said no less than three times to different people “yeah I’ve still never gone down on a girl or anything” which made me feel like I wasn’t being a good enough girlfriend. So I got sex therapy. I worked through it as best I could. Not for me. I didn’t want to be touched that way but I wanted my girlfriend to be happy. I wanted to do right by her and give her everything she wanted or needed in a relationship. Right about this time is where the sex stopped. She also stopped flirting or doing things she used to do before we started/right as we started dating that were clear indicators that she liked me. (I am an oblivious idiot)

I started to get worried. Why was I working this hard if she didn’t actually want to touch me? I was happy not being touched, but now I was starting to think something was wrong. I was starting to feel like she didn’t even want me. I started asking for sex as reassurance that she was still interested. Still attracted.

She called me a horn dog.

Not just to me but also later to my best friend. I was so mortified I wanted to jump out of the window and run into traffic. *I* was a horndog? All I wanted was affection and reassurance. She said her love language was physical affection and so was mine but she rarely gave me the cuddles I needed. I would ask her for “pets” - where she would play with my hair or just run her hand up and down my arm. This for me is intimacy. I had no problems doing it for her ever but she would get annoyed when I asked, saying it was hard for her to focus on the tv.

Okay? So? I’m not asking much, I didn’t think. I stopped paying attention to the tv when I was petting her. I made her my whole focus so she would feel loved. I mean unless it was like Harry Potter but I would be mindful to alternate so she wouldn’t be left out.

She only introduced me to one of her friends (who I thought was pretty cool but I worry she hates me so I just don’t talk to her now). At first I thought this was because she was in the closet. To be clear I never had a problem with that. I would never push someone to come out before they were ready and I hate movies and media that have the partner doing that. It’s shitty and dangerous. If she felt safer in the closet more power to her. I actively went to bat for protecting that secret for her. Sometimes our friends would forget and tag her in shit that would out her. I would be in their texts and calling them immediately explaining the situation and asking them to untag or take the post down. I’m not saying that as any sort of bragging. That’s literally the least I could do. I’m saying it to illustrate that I don’t have a problem with her being in the closet. But then she told me her friends knew about us. So I was like okay cool you’ve met all of my friends and are part of the group. I’d like to meet your friends. “Um.. they’re just really busy”. I mean. Yeah so are my friends and I didn’t mean like right now I just meant maybe mention it to them and we can some time schedule a hang out. “They’re just really busy”. Red flag but okay. Gonna just. Overlook this one too. It’s fine.

I spent more nights when she visited waiting for her to fall asleep so I could cry myself to sleep over how worthless I felt. Why was I doing this? Everything hurt but maybe I was just asking too much. Had my expectations too high. I’ve been told that before. Usually by people who have left me, those who stay (and my therapist) insist I’ve been asking for the bare minimum. To this day I still don’t know. If all you get is nothing , surely you are nothing? You don’t deserve to ask for more.

By June I started thinking she’s not happy with me. I’m not the one she wants. I don’t think much of myself. I don’t think I’m worth anything. I wrote her a letter that sat in my desk at work, basically saying that she deserved to be happy. She deserved to be with someone who sparks excitement, joy, and romance in her. Someone she wants to introduce to her friends (that she’s out to). Someone that she wants to spend time with and forgets about anyone else (within reason obviously, not like actually forgetting the world friends and responsibilities). Someone she is actually excited to spend time with and looks forward to. Someone that makes her not want to cancel every other date. She shouldn’t settle, even if it’s for me.

It broke my heart to write that letter. I was going to give it to her after her birthday because I didn’t want to be a sick and break up with her right before/on her birthday. Turns out she beat me to the punch and dumped me after I took her home.

I don’t know why I was surprised. The entire relationship things didn’t feel right. I always felt like I was doing something wrong. People in my life always seem to like the idea of me and then when they get to see the real me suddenly it’s like oops too much I’m out. Or alternatively they just.. they think I’m interesting and then lose interest.

My birth mother rejected me not once but twice. My adoptive mother was thrilled at the idea of me until I got to be about 4 and she realized something wasn’t quite right. My dad doesn’t care enough about me to stop drinking. Almost every single best friend I’ve ever had growing up has left usually because of some stupid shit I’ve done or because they’re embarrassed of me. Cheryl thought I was some monster out to hurt my friends (even when said “hurt” friend who was actually there went to bat for me and confirmed that I was literally just in the wrong place at the wrong time). Holly stopped caring. Brie never cared. Johanna only cared when she could use her affection of me to hurt someone else she was being petty with. Lissa only wanted someone she could bully, and even once she had me it wasn’t enough. Jerika definitely didn’t want me, and even my closest friend of 17 years Amy left for three months in which I genuinely thought she wasn’t coming back because I had the audacity to try to help her out of a panic attack. Jocelyn couldn’t stand me for more than a week at a time and roxii didn’t have the time of day for me after Americorps.

I feel like my whole life has just been a game of measurements that’s found me wanting. I tried. I tried so hard and I know I didn’t succeed I know there were things I could have done differently with my latest ex. Things I could have done better. I’ve never wanted anything to work so much in my life. Never tried so hard and still I wasn’t enough. I’m never enough.

I watched her, the woman that I was in love with, slowly lose interest in me over the course of about 4 months. Do you know what that’s like? What that does to you? The more I tried, the quicker she seemed to fade. I kept thinking if I just try harder, I’m just not doing, saying the right things. I read every book on relationships I could get my hands on (blatantly ignoring the parts that told me I should see the red flags for what they were and step away). I took notes. I watched therapy videos. I put to work every therapy technique I had ever learned. I wasn’t perfect but I was going to give this everything I had. Just once I didn’t want anyone to be able to say I didn’t try. I wanted to be as healthy, loving and supportive of a partner as I could because I loved her and didn’t want to hurt her. I knew that I had a lot of personal growth that I had been working on before I met her and I wanted to really ramp that up while I was with her to be good to her. To be good for her.

I’m not even mad. My friends say I should be. They’re mad on my behalf and I’m the one telling them to be nice, and defending her. Part of me thinks they’re right but mostly, mostly I think I’m just a steaming pile of shit and I deserved this.

I wasn’t enough. I’m tired of not being enough. I’m tired of fighting the universe showing me over, and over, and over, and over, and over again how absolutely worthless, not shit I am.

When she broke up with me I told her I felt like I was losing one of my best friends. She said we’re still friends I’m still going to be in your life and we will still talk. Turns out that’s only if I initiate and usually shortly after she shuts it down. So. I guess not.

I asked her one thing and that was when (not if because obviously when, I mean if you saw her you would understand) she moved on if she could just not bring the new person around for the first few months so I didn’t have to see it immediately I would appreciate it and she was like yeah for sure. I told her I wanted her to be happy and I meant it. I just didn’t realize it was going to be barely over 2 months and with one of my good friends.

To be clear she can date whomever she wants. I just thought there might have been more time between them showing up publicly and honestly? Even if her friend was single, interested in me, and I interested in her, I wouldn’t have dated her friend. Even if the positions were reversed and I actually broke up with her first, I wouldn’t have dated her friend. I would imagine that would hurt and I never want to hurt her. Ever. I just.. I wouldn’t have done it. And then she told my one best friend to not tell my other best friend or me and I’m like?? So you know this is a little shady and you’re still gonna?? Like you literally couldn’t wake a couple more months? Just til after Friendsgiving so I don’t have to come to a group event and plaster on a smile when it makes me want to stab myself in the heart.

Alright. Well. Good for her. And I mean that. I just.. can’t see that right now so I’m not seeing any of them. I heard the song Reminds me of you by Kim petras today “cut off all my friends because they remind me of you” and literally felt punched in the gut. Like yep. Too right. Because what am I supposed to go go hang out with my closest friends, where she and her new partner are, and fake a smile? I’m barely holding it together. There’s literally not a day in which I don’t want to kill myself.

Not because she broke up with me. Because I’m tired of being worthless to everyone I care about. Like why the fuck am I even here? Is this what I was born for? To be trash? To be used by people until they find someone better? Or to be someone’s quirky new friend until they find out my quirks are not an act? Or for people to think Im interesting only to slowly realize that I’m not and want nothing to do with me?

I think about all the things I’ve survived that I shouldn’t have and get frustrated because wHY? Why couldnt I just have died and been done with everything? I said to Nathan the other day that at some point I have to realize that the common denominator here is me. Clearly I am the problem. Clearly I am worthless and it’s time to fucking accept that. His reply was that it’s easy to think that you’re the common denominator when it’s your life but that’s just because you’re stuck in it. Idk man. I don’t think I have just extraordinarily shitty luck. I think it’s just me.

I am worthless. Not shit. To anyone. There are some who have stayed but it’s literally just a matter of time until they leave. It’s inevitable, and I’m tired of trying to pretend it’s not. I’m tired of trying to pretend I’m worth something to anyone. I’m tired of begging people to care about me, family, friends, partners. I’m just tired. So tired. Im tired of being tired.

Fuck my life insurance policy. The majority of the people on it don’t care about me anyway, so fuck it if it doesn’t pay out. It wouldn’t be my problem. Sitting here trying to think of ways that wouldn’t traumatize my roommates, would be guaranteed, relatively pain free, and wouldn’t put anyone else at risk. And then I remember I’m a coward and if I fuck it up then there goes what little I have made of my career, I’d lose my job (not that I’m thriving anyway), I’d probably be permanently damaged in ways that would then make me a burden to my parents.

Maybe I can’t kill myself, but somebody else sure could. I could find somebody abusive and just throw myself into that until one day they take it too far. That’s about what I deserve. And then my policy would pay out and the people I live most would be taken care of, regardless of how their treatment of me makes me feel. Maybe I could do some good in this world. The only good I’ll have ever done but it has to count for something right? Who am I kidding nothing I do counts for anything but I’m crazy and keep doing the same things expecting different results.

It’s funny. The one person who wants to leave me the most, can’t. I wish I could though.

Don’t take this too seriously I’m venting. it’s fine, I’m fine.

[cassyapper]

Apart from Jotaro and Kakyoin (unfortunately) what are your other favourite jojo ships? I’d love to know

OHHHH POST YOUVE OPENED A CAN OF FUCKING WORMS LET ME GO OFF

i have a disease that makes me invested in the joestars’ happiness to an absurd level so bc of that a lot of ships i enjoy involve,,,one joestar,,,but there r others i swear let me just start rantingi

jonaeriwagon is soooooo so so cute it involves the most wholesome and purehearted jojo characters and it makes me smile so wide. erina and jonathan r childhood sweethearts and erina helped jonathan back on his feet after he lost EVERYTHING in the first fight against dio at the mansion. jonathan and speedwagon are best FRIENDS OKAY!! SPEEDWAGON LITERALLY CHANGES HIS ENTIRE WALK OF LIFE BECAUSE OF JONATHAN AND THE KINDNESS HE SHOWED HIM. i know erina and speedwagon didn't interact a whole lot in part 1 but like they're BEST. FRIENDS. in part 2, so much so joseph thought something was going on between them. i bring this up bc then it’s proof that this ship is full of ppl who just care for each other so much. they just adore each other and love each other and I'm crying

caejoseq is my FAVVV OKAY they're so stupid and in love. i love love love love imagining caesar and suziq falling in love slowly when he’s first training as lisalisa’s student and like they never do anything about it cause they're both so shy (yes caesar is shy bc these feelings r more genuine romance rather than sexual, unlike his other flings) but it’s obvious enough they both understand to a degree the other knows they like them sjkd;dn cuties. but then JOSEPH BARGES IN with his stupid hamon-breathing mask and his stupid blue-green eyes and his stupid lax personality combined with the moments he takes thing seriously during which is works hard as fuck/smart as fuck. he just completely sweeps them off their feet they had no fuckin warning whatsoever. so after a bunch of messy and intense pining from the both of them they eventually sit down and are like okay. we should do smth about feelings actually. so they Do and it ends with the polycule and I'm (”: smiling so wide they loved each other do u understand

AVPOL!! DO NOT GET ME STARTED OKAY it’s the survivor’s guilt and cherishing and longing for me sis!!!!!! I'm just saying both have pasts (araki said avdol’s backstory was so sad he didn't wanna put it into sdc so that’s where I'm drawing this from) that leave them focused on things other than their direct happiness/their own futures but then they connect and even though they're so fucking different they are SOOO different they're still the same on this level and i think!!! that would be everything for them finally someone who understands...listen I'm ging to go insane do you hear me. avdol loves this stupid fucking Frenchman so much because said stupid fucking Frenchman just cares so much about everything. meanwhile polnareff is in love with this fuckin god of a man who’s patient and kind and funny and a skilled enough fighter it’s stated explicitly in canon “oh avdol’s the one we need to worry about most not jotaro” like fuck polnareff is ENAMOURED WITH HIM!! AND I DONT FUCKING BLAME HIM!! and just dude. when pol thinks avdol came back to life and he starts crying tears of joy and hugs him so tightly and avdol just laughs but hugs him back imfmfjfj help. help. help. help. help. POLNAREFF LITERALLY ASKS HIM OUT ON A DATE THIS IS FUCKIN!!! CANON!!! i cant do this stupid fuckign idiots i love them

JOSUYASU!!!!!! TWO GUYS BEIGN DUDES WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT??? like listen we have such a SLEW of wholesome moments between these two the opening to the tonio episode is literally just them going on a date OKUYASU WAS GONNA FEED JOSUKE AND JOSUKE DIDNT EVEN FUCKING QUESTION IT OKAY THAT’S KINDA GAY THAT HAS ROMANTIC FUCKING UNDERTONES!! and them fighting against shigechi idk man i just love their dynamic it’s such a pleasant bro relationship and i love them. but even beyond the wholesome moments when okuyasu fucking dies josuke loses his SHIT!!! DO YOU HEAR ME HE GOES FUCKIGN INSANE!!!!! HE’S SCREAMING AND CRYING AND BEGGING OKUYASU TO WAKE UP AT THE EXPENSE OF HIS LIFE FUCKIGN HAYATO HAD TO SHRIEK AT HIM TO MOVE HIS ASS OUT OF THE WAY OF KIRA’S BOMB LIKE!! listen the recklessness and furiousness of josuke’s tactics after okuyasu “”died”” haunts me. he didn't want to live in a world without him and meanwhile okuyaus LITERALLY TRIUMPHS OVER DEATH BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TO LEAVE JOSUKE’S SIDE HELP ME GIRL FJKF;NDJN FUCK. fuck. so yeah i lvoe them

fugionara... any combination of this ship makes me go nuts okay okay. the dynamics in the bucci gang will forever leave me in tatters but THE ONES BETWEEN THESE THREE IN PARTICULAR. FUCK ME UP. it’s the healing it’s the animosity it’s the regret it’s the trying to figure out your own mentally ill self while also the world ur in with these ppl u love so much and I'm going crazy okay okay okay. idk how to quite put my feelings for them in worlds i just have a lot of them and they are fuckin. overhwelming. just narancia for example meant EVERYTHING to fugo as evidence by purple haze feedback (literally every other paragraph is a flashback) and the only time giorno cries in the anime is when narancia dies. meanwhile fugo saved narancia’s life and giorno knew when to take narancia seriously as opposed to a joke. and then THE WHOLE DISCUSSION ABOUT GRIEF FUGO AND GIORNO HAVE IN PURPLE HAZE FEEDBACK? listen something about these three make me go insane and feral

foolymes like okay. okay. I'm shaking like a dog trying not to go overboard on this justification just listen to me. hermes and jolyne first find someone to trust in prison in each other. jolyne cares abt her enough that she first learns how to use stone free’s string-on-a-telephone ability bc she wanted to watch over hermes. hermes loves nd respects jolyne that after she wakes up from getting a stand shes like “hm. wonder where jolyne is” and goes to find her before all that bullshit happened just hey okay LISTEN TO ME!! and then they get foo they save her it’s just like fucking kakyoin they give her another chance and they show her what relationships are supposed to be like (fulfilling) they enjoy her company and make her laugh and she makes them laugh in return ohmy god EVERYTHING FOO FIGHTERS DID WAS FOR JOLYNE AND HERMES DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!! the marilyn mansion debt collector arc. the kiss of love and revenge arc. foo fighter’s death. I'm going to eat rocks in an attempt to stop feeling oh my god JOLYNE DIDNT EVEN BELEIVE FOO FIGHTERS WAS DYING AND THEN SHE GOT HYSTERICAL LIKE “BUT WE CAN JUST REMAKE YOU RIGHT WE HAVE YOUR STAND DISC??” SHE DOESNT WANT HER TO GOOO HELP ME HELP ME. I'm in tatters these three girls loved each other so fucking much they just wanted each other safe and they DESERVED to be safe and happy together but araki is fucking evil

jotaweather I KNOW THIS IS A CRACK SHIP I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW DONT FUCKIGN LOOK AT ME JUST HEAR ME OUT. jotaro and weather r both of similar demeanor that is quiet soft-speaking intimidating strong big aura of sadness coming from them. both have powerful stands and both had real fucked up luck in the love department. i also hc both to be autistic so that’d be another similarity. i jus think them settling down together after everything went down in a stone ocean au would be very soft and sweet yknow? they wouldn't even necessarily start it off in a romantic sense but they just take the time to try and heal with each other and eventually it just kinda veers that way. yeah

gyjo for OBVIOUS reasons like are you serious? gyro changed johnny’s fucking lfie from the SECOND they first interact johnny begins to push himself and tries to reach further/go further. and in turn johnny shows gyro you cant always be a wet blanket you need to take a stand this both helps his resolve to save the kid AND helps him to take the measures necessary to get to his goal. like gyro would not have been able to find johnny in the “who shot johnny joestar?” arc if he hadn't gone through, say, the ring roadagain arc with johnny first. listen man their relationship is literally the catalyst for this whole part it’s the driving force i just. they love each other they love each other thank you goodnight I'm emo

yasugap is just so so so so sweet it makes me so happy,,like okay josuk8 literally has a daydream where all that happens is he gives yasuho some candy and she eats it and is like “aw josuke this is so good thanks!” and she smiles at him and that’s IT THAT’S THE DAYDREAM 😭 listen they just love each other so much and i am emo. they literally SAVED EACH OTHER OKAY LIKE yasuho pulls him from the dirt and like she mentioned during the flashback chapter with the hairpin and her dad, it was also the other way around....saving josuke also saved herself and just LISTEN TO ME. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. it’s a very sweet and healthy relationship and i hope to god araki makes it canon please sir ill bite you

anyway yeah these are the main main ones ? that i ship ship. like you'll get me excited if u mention them. anyway this post has gone on long enough so I'm gonna end it here by saying i really do have a thing where the relationship focuses on healing/helping one or both parties to save/improve themselves

[fingersinmyhair]

Full Tilt by Neal Shusterman

My rating: 6.5/10

Rated: Child - Teen

SFW or NSFW: SFW

There are spoilers under the cut! You have been warned!

Overall Review:

At the request of a close friend, I read this book alongside them, as they'd read it once years ago on assignment in class. They swore by the book and said I'd enjoy it, and I couldn't agree more. This book was an easy read, but still keeps your eyes on the page wanting to find out what happens next.

I was impressed by how much happens in the book, as it's only around 120-135 pages of reading, but every chapter was eventful and detailed, giving the reader a clear vision of almost everything that happens.

As the main character, Blake, searches for his brother in the metaphysical amusement park where he and his friends must ride seven rides before dawn, he finds inner strength where he once only found cowardice and fear. The park conjures his worst memories and fears, using even his interests and insecurities against him and his friends, Maggie and Russ. The book ends with a clear resolve and a happy ending all wrapped in a pretty bow, but it wasn't forced or undeserving.

The characters and plot worked well together, in my honest opinion. There were many chuckle-to-myself moments and it was nice to root for the main character, not only to reach his goal but in pride as he found his strength.

Characters:

Blake: The main character and the biggest show of character development aside from Quinn and Cassandra. The park and his love for his younger brother push Blake to act entirely out of character in the perspective of the first few chapters. It's said multiple times through the book, even by Blake, that he's a coward, fearful and skittish, yet he storms into every adversary to his health - physical and mental - and perseveres only to save his brother and his friends from Cassandra and her park. It's also worth noting that Blake also finds comfort in having complete control of his environment, needing everything to be comfortable, neat, clean, and organized. He makes a remark to himself that he doesn't "have some weird disorder" about it, and it felt like it was meant to sound like he's in denial about it. It doesn't address this again in the book. At the beginning of the book, he is unsure if he will actually go away to college, but he's decided wholeheartedly that he wants to go and will be by the end of the book.

Quinn: Quinn is my favorite character in the book. It's said in the beginning and end of the book that many, for a long time, thought he was autistic when he was young because he was nonverbal, had poor social skills, and refused to make eye contact. The reasons for him, apparently not being autistic, are that he stopped being nonverbal when he was three and a half (after experiencing a roller coaster for the first time, an intense stimulus that he enjoyed greatly) and is now "self-centered" (as he thinks and acts impulsively based on his own emotions and needs). Since Quinn's first roller coaster ride, he was attracted to high-stimulus things, such as having a large number of piercings in his face and ears by age 13 (his age in the book), loud music, neon-bright colors, and eating mainly things with a large amount of sugar. I fully believe he is neurodivergent in the vein of either ADHD or being on the spectrum, if not comorbid. That being said, Quinn shows a lot of character development in the book. He goes from reclusing and even suicidal (he goes to the amusement park and willingly leaves Blake behind after learning that if he stays he will die, stating emphatically that he doesn't want to live in the real world anymore and so be it if his soul is trapped in the park for eternity) to being cooperative and working with his brother actively to find a way out of the park and beat Cassandra at her games. He tells his brother he loves him for the first time by the end of the book as well because of this development in his character.

Maggie: One of Blake's two best friends, his other being her boyfriend, Russ. Maggie is all but introduced as insecure and unsure of herself, but a good friend to Blake. She takes his side in most arguments that he gets into with Russ, as Russ usually starts them and is wrong, to begin with. She's very kind, though her insecurities in her appearance and how unsure of herself she is comes back later to bite her in the ass, physically altering her appearance to look how she feels on the inside. She is also a love interest to Blake, as they share a kiss while she looks like a monster and he tries everything he can to save her before failing to do so and having to move on due to time and urgency. Russ asks Blake if something is going on between him and Maggie when they're all out of the park, safe and sound, and Blake says, "I don't know. Maybe." She's the first person Blake comforts and assures when they reach safety as well.

Russ: Russ is introduced as a jock with no chosen sport, more so having the physique and interest in physical activity, but not having the attention span to focus on staying in a sport for too long. He's also, from the get-go, not very smart. (He interprets Blake's news of going to Columbia University as Blake would be moving to Columbia, making a remark that he didn't know Blake spoke Spanish.) At one point in the amusement park, he breaks before any of the rest of the group. He leaves Maggie behind when he sees her turn into a monster, not caring that it was her. When he gets on the Ferris Wheel, he sees something not detailed or described that shakes him to the core enough that he strikes a deal with Cassandra. If he saw Blake's death or demise, Russ would be released from the amusement park. Despite this, Blake still forgives him. Russ is absorbed by the park moments later for failing.

Mom & Carl: I do not like Blake and Quinn's mother. Several of her exes physically abused Quinn, and most likely Blake as well, and she knows this. It isn't detailed if she knew while it was happening or later on, but the way she handles Quinn not being comfortable around her new fiance and being "too" wary of him as a person in general due to her track record with me and him believing Carl will leave like all the others, including his father, is uncomfortable. She even complains to Blake about Quinn's attitude to the news she and Carl gave him, saying that not everything is about Quinn and that he essentially needs to get over it, negating Blake saying that not everything is about her to defend the way Quinn feels. If she's aware that her exes, including the father of her children, have either been physically abusive or have left her with no warning, why is she being harsh about Quinn being wary that the same thing is going to happen, not letting Carl's sunny disposition make him drop his guard? Carl himself is nice and tries to understand, so I don't have a problem with him.

Cassandra: A timeless, beautiful being that invites Blake to her amusement park, specifically so she can right the only wrong she's ever had. She's a fantastic antagonist, aloof and flirtatious (and even helpful) the first few times she's seen, but she slowly devolves into an angry and fearful being that wants Blake to stay with her, period. She goes from wanting to claim his soul to be absorbed by her park to wanting him to rule alongside her and bring balance to both her and the park, giving Blake the opportunity to carve out a realm of peace and fun for his loved ones trapped in the park, but he declines, infuriating her further. They even share a kiss intended to convey determination and the denial of her offer. Her world falls apart because Blake is, for lack of a better phrase, the one that got away.

[galwaygremlin]

Autistic Henry HCs Part Deux

so the last post was more like “canon things I can interpret as autistic traits” and this is gonna be a foray into pure headcanon land. beware my brain

Henry stims the most with his hands. He’s learned to tone it down in public (and every appearance leaves him an absolute mess for hours afterward bc masking for that long SUCKS)

David isn’t a service dog, but he does know when Henry’s especially anxious/overstimulated/on the verge of a meltdown. 

Alternatively, David IS a service dog because why not.

Pez sends Henry visual stimboards all the time

Alex lets Henry play with his hair to ground. He learns all the little things that help calm him down.

Henry has no-touch days for sure.

He totally has a weighted blanket.

This man is absolute crap at math. Numbers who? Formulas where? (I will always project my processing disorders onto characters y’all can’t stop me)

Sad Royal Family HCs below

Philip made fun of Henry’s stimming and meltdowns and sensory sensitivities when they were little, but Bea’s always intuitively understood what Henry needs.

Mary was absolutely that bitch-ass family member who thought grabbing the kid’s hands to keep them from flapping and making fun of them and yelling at them constantly would get them to stop “misbehaving”

Arthur always knew what Henry meant, even if he couldn’t verbalize it. He knew some people from the acting industry to teach Henry BSL to help him communicate. Catherine learned, too.

When he was little, Catherine would take Henry out of the room and dance up and down the palace hallways with him if he was overwhelmed. She also supported all his SpIns and gave him reading material to help. They lost that connection when Arthur died.