#every single day i want to draw bc i have IMAGES in my BRAIN

[mediumgayitalian]

the apollo kids:

[beartitled]

Hey Bear remember the detailed art where it’s a place and there’s a just filled with different bears, I think it will be a great excuse to practice but idk how to approach it. Any tips?? Or just things you learn when you started drawing those

Hellow 👋

I have a feeling you asked this a while ago, but I only saw it now

If it's the case, sorry must be a tumblr glitch💥

👏a wall of text warning👏/silly

Planning

First thing I usually do is - I plan a lot beforehand

Especially if it’s a drawing with existing characters

Ironically TSP/STP drawings were easier to do for me

Even though bear megadrawings look simpler (I think?)

Basically when you already have a list of character you want to include - you just need to think where to locate them

When you just draw a lot of random characters - you need to design every single one

Which is kinda a nightmare on your brain 💥

The second type is a lot more flexible tho (you can add or remove characters at will, no count needed)

Project stages

I will use TSP + Undertale reblog chain drawing as an example

1) Collecting references - if you plan to draw existing characters, it’s better to gather all the references

Making an additional list of all characters helps too (this way you can track which character you already drawn)

2) Planning the area

Photobashing or finding a good location reference really helps here

Sadly don’t have a photobash I did for this, I deleted everything 💥

This is just an example to demonstrate things 👆

I usually just do a rough sketch on a small piece of paper

You don’t have to have it 100% planned, if characters don’t fit, you can just extend/edit the area

3) Character planning

You have to determine where your characters will be located

The common mistake I see when ppl draw detailed drawings: they draw a singular character and move on to add others

If you’re doing it digitally, this may not be a problem for you (ya know just make a character smaller or move them, problem solved)

But what I recommend doing:

Is drawing shapes where you plan to put characters in

This will help you plan out the composition more and regulate the character amount in different parts of the drawing

Also keep in mind the size of you character

I struggle with it to this day tbh

Usually the characters on the foreground are bigger then the ones on the background (this is one of the art principles used to showcase distance)

But an interesting thing you may notice when looking at illustrations like “Where’s Waldo” series

This principle often may be ignored

It’s still kinda present, but you can pretty much say many characters are -+ the same size

My theory is that it’s done to make every character equal, so the purpose to find Waldo is still challenging

+ I think to keep the whole picture harmonious

I may not know certain principles (the nitty-gritty of detailed art like this)

So keep in mind this is just my experience, do your research too >:D

4) Key characters

This one is a bit vague, but I will try to explain it the best I can

When you have a specific character, who, for example, is way bigger or has brighter colours then the rest

Special bois 🌸

You need to give them more attention

Let’s see an example

- Big creatures on da background - they were drafted first, bc they required a lot place

- Spider Barry - a special area for spider characters

- Thierry - active action, running, led to a chain of characters interacting

- Narry Grilby’s, Bearline, Pixel Alphys - themed areas for certain characters

(my apologies if I made a mistake in any character name here, let me know, I will fix it)

+ Advice for colour: try to keep them the similar saturation, so the image looks harmonious

You don’t really have to have key characters, it’s just my method that makes the process easier to plan out

5) Art part let’s gooo

This part is up to you obviously, different ppl draw differently

For me it’s usually > small draft > sketch > line art > scan > colour

Advice for my traditional artist - ya’ll need a big paper sheet

I usually work on A3 format, bc it’s easier to scan

But the bigger the paper the more detailed characters you can draw

This one as an example

Bc rookie mistake

Too many characters, not enough paper

I used A3, but looking back A2 would work way better here

I used a really thin line pen (005) and didn’t realise the consequences of that 💥

As a result scan turned out not the best quality (+ if you zoom in on the faces 🐻‍❄️🔫)

It was impressive at the time, but rrrr I wish I just bought a bigger piece of paper back then 💥

Just to illustrate the issue

On the top are pens I usually use for comics lineart, the bottom one is 005

And my finger as an obscure reference lmao 💥

As you can see the lines are REALLY DAMN THIN and everything is smol, tiny even

So just keep it in mind 👍

And for my digital fellas

🫵 Big canvas 🫵 big 🫵 the pixels will eat u 🫵

How much time it takes

Practicing concentration and patience is important 💥

This may sound silly, but it does help with finishing stuff

Projects like those require a ton of patience and focus

So just mentally prepare yourself for sitting on your desk for hours™️

From my experience I would recommend to start with small drawings with a small amount of characters

And then gradually build up to bigger amounts and more details

My first ever megadrawing was this piece

Line art took 2 weeks, colouring -+ a week I believe

This was exhausting the first time 💥

After practicing the process became faster and less tiring

The TSP x Undertale took about 4 days (but like full 4 days)

Remember doing lineart in 1 day, taking breaks just to like eat

🫵Ok don’t worry about me🫵

I have a tendency to concentrate on things for a really long periods of time, so it’s not a “🔥I WILL BURN MYSELF OUT WITH THIS PROJECT LET’S GO🔥” type of deal, this is pretty much how I am

If I enjoy a specific process I can spend an entire day doing just that, without getting tired (the only problem could be not enough movement and eye pain, my eternal enemy 👿)

But 🫵 don’t expect yourself to do the same 🫵

Start small, practice, don’t push your limits right away

Take breaks and care about yourself fellas 👏

Good luck with your projects🫡

Alright

Hope it was helpful, thank u for you question ❤️

For new ppl here, you can check the megadrawings section in navigation (pinned post), if you got interested

[equinooxe]

for some reason tumblr isn’t showing me your reblogs in my notifications(?) but thanks to the tag in your answer i got to see the tags you put in the royai day art and i can’t stop thinking about them.. you’re so right..!!

i drew that thinking about how roy feels responsible for everything she has been through, and yet riza still gives him another chance to fulfill his promise to make the world a better place and chooses to keep trusting him… he can’t make up for what he’s done, so he wants riza to never regret trusting him again. you know that scene in ishval when riza basically tells roy she’s responsible for what he’s done since she trusted him in the first place? if i were him hearing that would hurt way more than if she just shot me in the head LOL

so it might be delusional thinking but to me everything roy fights for leads back to riza. he wants to make things right for what it is but also because it’s what he’s promised her… so hearing from riza that she doesn’t regret trust him would mean that he’s finally doing things right :,) i would sob too

im happy you mentioned the fact it’s young riza in your tags, bc i felt it adds much more weight drawing this representation of her instead of any other, but i rarely see people commenting on it and i felt so proud of myself for that train of thought HAHA to finally fulfill the promise he made so long ago to that young and innocent riza who believed in his idealistic dreams enough to trust flame alchemy to him………..!!!

i always enjoy reading about your interpretations and thoughts because i always agree wholeheartedly…!! the fact my drawing brought more of that makes me very happy, so thank you for the tags!! love the way you put it all into words, i wish i had that power too :,) sorry for the long message ……… !! have a nice day!!!

YEAH!!!!

I really wish we knew under what circumstances Mustang left her after he deciphered flame alchemy. Now it just looks like he got what he wanted from her and then left. Roy said at the funeral he would do anything for his master. Berthold makes one request: look after Riza. And he just... doesn’t do that. What a bastard. 

Like he was so focused on his own quest for knowledge and power, that he did not see how he failed the person closest to him. He left her behind and did not use the alchemy how he promised. He couldn’t protect her from her father, not from herself and her choices, not from her becoming a murderer. Of course he will regret not doing more, and feels responsible for ruining her life. He even encouraged her to go down the same path by inspiring her. At least that is how I think Mustang may see it from his perspective?

It does makes sense that what he fights for leads back to her!!. His philosophy/goal is to protecting as much people as possible by protecting those closest to him, then they in turn protecting those close to them. And Hawkeye is the closest to him :) he would even give up everything just to protect her if he had to.

I love that you drew that piece with younger Riza, the person he failed the hardest, and future fuhrer Roy who has reached his goal. For him to hear he made that young Riza’s dream come true...... Your brain is massive. 

But seriously I love your amazing art and attention to all those details like that!! I’m Likewise nodding along your interpretations. And how you can capture that all in a single image every time. Or just with your fun doodles. It really shows how much you get them personally...! Say hi to arakawa for me hfjgjjgjs

[chryzure-archive]

whenever you ask for asks my first thought is ALWAYS aus… so which chrysimordred + chrysijacks au is currently taking up the most residence in your brain? >:) also, because i like to imagine chrysi all dressed up… what’s the difference between how jacks would dress her up for a fancy/formal event and how mordred would dress her up? what kind of clothes do they like seeing her wear the most? likewise, what does SHE like to see them wear the most? :3

THIS IS EXCELLENT BC MY BRAIN IS ALSO ALWAYS THINKING ABT AUS.

for chrysimordred, im boring rn… im jst thinking abt their modern au and im fleshing out their canon storyline (where i pay homage to quest for camelot by taking away mordred’s eyesight—to hurt chrysi specifically, because it IS partially her fault 💔💔💔). BUT IN THE MODERN AU, mordred is SOOO flirty and chrysi does NOT know how to deal with it. they’ll show up to the same coffee shop to do hw and when he’s in front of her in line, he’ll say his order, then turn around to her and be like, “and what did you want again?” chrysi is torn because she doesn’t like accepting help much BUT ALSO her drink is expensive and she doesn’t want to pay for it 🤧 the beginning of a meaningful relationship right there! that, and also mordred is chrysi’s model for her art and.. he does model things 🥰 for her! and there’s also ghosts around too + mordred can still speak with animals, so they bond over their crazy wild gifts while also running around the college campus doing random little cases!! also chrysi believes mordred doesn’t ACTUALLY like her because he’s still not over his sorta-ex (keeping the weird age gap between him and his uncle, where he’s a year older than his uncle, because wow… imagine trying to explain that to ur crush. it’s like modern family fjdkcjdksjcjfks). BUT NO, MORDRED IS IN LOVE. fell in love the moment chrysi was like “i love hiking in the woods and trying to find dead bodies” HELLO??? WHAT A BATSHIT THING TO SAY, MORDRED WANTS TO KISS HER DIRECTLY ON THE MOUTH.

chrysijacks au i’m thinking of… oh god, i think of so many at all times of the day, UMMM—CURRENTLY i’ve been thinking abt my hercules au because i’m drawing it!! i’ve been thinking abt the scene where jacks backs up into cupid’s bow and he’s like “… oh god, i am in love with her.” constantly thinking abt his sinking dread whenever he falls in love with chrysi in every single au. he’s so horrified and he’s also so deeply in love that he can’t do anything about it. OH, IVE ALSO BEEN STRONGLY THINKING ABT MY LAST APPRENTICE AU BCUZ JACKS WATCHING CHRYSI DIE AND ALMOST GOING ON A RAMPAGE (almost tries to kill luna rune, but simeon was NOT fucking having that. then jacks tries to kill simeon, but luna rune reminds him that he’s holding chrysi’s dead body in his arms and she doesn’t deserve her lover hurting others in his grief. instead, he stays with chrysi’s body for the next week—since it can’t rot, as she’s not human!). then chrysi coming back, but she’s slightly different… THEN AZURE COMING BACK AND RUINING EVERYTHING MORE!!! always thinking abt that… BUT i’ve also been thinking about the before all that happens—where chrysi and jacks make their home one for the two of them, and where he gets to help her hunt ghouls and monsters and he kisses her and they walk around her garden and ignore the fact that they have buried ghouls alive under all the flowers 🖤🖤🖤 yeah…. i’m incoherent rn because i love chrysijacks and i don’t know what else to say other than they love each other so much.

WAIT. also thinking about chrysijacks vnc au because i canNOT get over the mental image of jacks trying to get advice “for a friend”, only to be told, “sounds like your friend loves this girl” and jacks to go “HUH?????????” also, this is the au where azure’s the one watching chrysi and jacks flirt and he hates it..,,., how the turntables…….. chrysijacks warming up scene lives in my heart rent free at all times, where they’re so vulnerable and naked (hehe) and jacks finally starts letting himself hope that he might have another chance—cause i LOVE my aus where chrysi and jacks are exes that never officially dated, but jacks wants to win chrysi back so badly… it makes my heart happy 🖤🖤🖤

OKAY, so jacks dresses chrysi up in lots of bold and flashy dresses and he doesn’t frequently think very far ahead about how she can fight in dresses (he’s thinking solely about how very pretty she will be and he thinks of nothing else… well, maybe how fun it’ll be for the dress to be taken care of by the end of the ball 🤔 slutty bitch.), whereas mordred likes seeing chrysi in her more comfortable dresses that she can run in!…. if it so happens that she has slits in her skirts so she can run and he happens to see a bit of leg w her dagger strapped to her thigh, then so be it 🤷‍♀️ he isn’t one to complain! but preferably, mordred likes her being dressed up the way she was up in his alcove 😌

basically, jacks thinks solely abt aesthetics, whereas mordred will think abt the logistics of chrysi moving around in her dresses!!

examples for jacks:

he’ll always give her low cut dresses like this, then he’ll couple them with long skirts like this:

somebody steps on that thing and chrysi’s going sailing backwards. or, more frequently, she’ll jst tear the skirt and leave what was stepped on behind. jacks can’t get mad at her because he messes up his own clothing frequently too. but he’s still irritated.

mordred gives chrysi lighter dresses, something easier to move in, and much more of a goddess aesthetic than jacks’s princess one:

OH GOD, hmmmm, chrysi likes seeing mordred in clothes like these!

the hint of collarbone and the poofy sleeves going into tight cuffs??? HIIIII, she’s GONE. esp when he wears green. she doesn’t know how to function. oh my god. oh my god.

chrysi likes seeing jacks in this

[holycatsandrabbits]

Tollense, an original serial romance by Dannye Chase, Chapter 1

A history professor falls in love with his best friend, a 3000-year-old vampire.

READ FROM THE BEGINNING: You are here!

NEXT

Chapter 1

1993

Professor Liam Beyer was born a decade after the deaths of the last soldiers to fight in the US Civil War. Thus, he was not expecting to meet a Union Army veteran in his 4 o’clock symposium on the Battle of Antietam.

Liam noticed the man as soon as he walked in, and not just because it was odd for a member of the public to show up for a faculty lecture at the university. No, the man caught Liam’s attention because he was distractingly handsome. Literally, Liam was distracted enough to drop his pen onto the overhead projector, causing a giant shadow to loom over the map of Maryland on the screen behind him, as if a third army had materialized there in a dense offensive line.

The man was of average height, with a slender build. He had dark hair in a short, modern cut and wore a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt with a faded label. He looked like he might be thirty, which was about the age Liam was, and so Liam did not immediately assume that the man had seen action in the Civil War. But there was something faintly strange about him, just in the way that he walked, light on his feet like a dancer, but stepping firmly, without a dancer’s well-practiced grace.

“General Lee,” Liam continued, in a slightly strangled voice, “of the Confederate Army, was, of course, outnumbered, but the battle was Union General McClellan’s to lose. Had he understood how superior his force was, had he taken more risks, he might have been able to deal a decisive blow to Lee’s army as it retreated. In fact, McClellan’s performance at Antietam was part of the reason that President Lincoln later removed him from duty.”

Liam put up a transparency of a white church with peeling paint, standing alone on a grassy rise. “On September 17, 1862, 7,650 soldiers died at Antietam, making it the bloodiest day for Americans in history. Two days later, a man named Alexander Gardner took some of the first widely-seen battlefield photographs of dead soldiers. Some were awaiting burial, and some were still lying where they fell. It was very difficult at the time to take photographs of battles themselves, as the technology involved careful treatment of glass negatives, and that was nearly impossible under battlefield conditions. But the dead do not move, and these photographs were so clear that when displayed in New York, family members recognized their fallen sons.”

Liam put up a transparency of one of Gardner’s photographs, young men lying on the ground in an oddly perfect line. The unknown man looked away.

oOo

Liam had grading to do after his symposium, but he walked to the campus union to grab a sandwich first. He was definitely not expecting Handsome Unknown Lecture Man to appear out of the crowd and drop into the seat opposite him. Liam was very proud that he did not choke on his bite of ham and swiss.

“I hope you don’t mind,” said the man. “I enjoyed your lecture. My name is Kurt.”

Liam put his hand out to shake. Kurt’s touch was faintly cold. “Liam,” he said.

Kurt cocked his head slightly to the side, as if assessing him. “I know. Liam Beyer, 27, assistant professor of history, specializing in battles. Is Antietam your favorite?”

“Um— one of them. I did my dissertation on it. On McClellan, specifically.” Liam felt slightly odd about the fact that this stranger knew who he was, but of course, it was all publicly accessible information. “Are you a Civil War buff?”

“Somewhat.” Kurt leaned back in his chair. “Antietam, god. I remember Bloody Lane— that’s what they called it after. The road was sunken in because so many wagons had gone by over the years. It was like trying to fight your way out of your own grave trench.” Kurt spoke with a faint accent that Liam could not place, something that seemed to shift from one place to another.

“You talk like you were there,” Liam said, smiling. “Are you a reenactor?”

Kurt gave a sharp laugh. “No. You?”

“I’ve been a technical advisor. It’s nice to meet other people who share my strange obsession.”

“Those pictures you showed,” Kurt said. “Photography is such a bewitching art. Those boys are long gone, but remain ever present in death.”

“You know, the war helped make Spiritualism popular,” Liam said. “It was so hard on the families back home to lose contact with their soldiers, not knowing what happened to them, or when, or where. They couldn’t bear it, and turned to mediums.”

Kurt smiled, and it made his bright green eyes sparkle with amusement. “Have you ever been to a seance?” he asked. Liam shook his head. “Most I’ve been to were quite boring,” Kurt said. “But every once in awhile—”

“That sounds like a good story.”

“I’ll tell you sometime.” Liam’s brain was already far too occupied with how attractive he found this poor man, and that was probably why the sentence sounded more like a salacious promise than it really was.

“So what do you do?” Liam asked faintly, crumpling his empty sandwich wrapper. “Are you a student?”

“Not at the moment. Just a fan of history. Of battles, actually.” Kurt leaned forward a little. “Liam, would you mind if I came to your office tomorrow to talk more? I have some questions and I think you might be the one to help me answer them.”

“I— of course.” Liam told himself that he agreed solely because he liked to talk about history with people, and that it didn’t matter whether or not said people were ridiculously attractive.

Kurt smiled at him again. “Until tomorrow then.”

On his way out of the dining hall, Liam was stopped by a student with a question about an assignment on Gettysburg. “I didn’t want to interrupt your dinner,” she said.

“Oh, it would have been fine,” Liam told her. “We were talking about the Civil War ourselves.”

The student gave him a confused look. “Dr. Beyer— weren’t you eating alone?”

oOo

In the end, Liam decided that as he’d never dreamed up a handsome man in quite so much detail before, that the student had been mistaken and simply had not noticed Kurt’s presence at Liam’s table.

And yet. There really was something very strange about the man. Liam couldn’t quite pin it down, just that there was a disconnect between what Liam was seeing and what he was feeling about him. For example, Kurt appeared to be thirty, but Liam would swear he was older. Kurt had looked perfectly natural at dinner, but it had also seemed like he didn’t quite fit in with his surroundings. Like if you’d taken a photograph of him at the table, he would have been slightly too bright, out of focus, or without a shadow.

Kurt’s knock on Liam’s office door finally came around eleven, and Liam was, he realized, far too happy to see him again. At first, nothing about the visit seemed terribly odd. They discussed Antietam again, then traveled forward to the Somme, and then much farther back, Megiddo and Kadesh. Kurt seemed to know less about those battles, Liam noted, but he was quite familiar with things taking place after Thermopylae in the 5th century BC.

It was easy to talk to Kurt, especially about interests they had in common, and as the conversation went on, Kurt seemed to relax a bit, which made Liam do the same. The day before, Liam had thought Kurt moved without grace, but that wasn’t exactly right. Kurt had a different kind of grace, a fluidity of small movements instead of large ones, an artistry shown in the fluttering of fingers while the rest of the man kept entirely still. The emphasis on such small motions seemed to draw Liam in, narrowing his focus away from his surroundings and onto his visitor. But at the same time, Kurt had such an air of other about him, that it was almost like Liam was looking at him through beveled glass, never quite getting the whole image at once.

However, Liam’s sense of ease around Kurt vanished entirely when another student knocked on Liam’s door with a question about an assignment. That in itself was perfectly normal, but during the whole time that the student was in Liam’s office, she didn’t speak to Kurt or apologize for interrupting their conversation. She didn’t give a single look to the chair that Kurt occupied beside Liam’s desk.

When the student had left, Liam leaned back in his chair, trying to fake the calmness that he no longer felt. “All right,” he said, watching his visitor carefully. “You want to tell me why I’m the only person who can see you?”

********

READ FROM THE BEGINNING: You are here!

NEXT

Updates Fridays on Ao3 and DannyeChase.com (rated E), and Tumblr (rated T)

Want to create fic, art, or other works based on this series? Please do! Just dm or tag me.

My previous serials are for Good Omens: Mr. Fell's Bookshop and Love's Endless Light

My Carrd

[halinski]

Day 5 of @sterekweek-2020 and @acesterek week! Loved this one bc I've always been DYING to include Shakespeare in my fic(let)s!! Haha

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"Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs," Stiles says, seeing as he steps up to the LGBTQ Club's club room just in time to catch Derek's sigh. Let it be recorded that he's a dramatic bitch. In his defense, this is Derek fucking Hale standing in front of his clubhouse, seeming deliberating if he should enter. Hopefully.

Hope is a dangerous thing but oh, how Stiles loves the thrill.

Derek only seems to stiffen when he turns to look at Stiles, all doe-eyed.

"I- uh… what?" The older boy stammers and Stiles feels the heat rise to his cheeks. Sometimes he forgets not everyone is a drama and history geek. And even if they are, people don't usually go about spouting Shakespeare quotes. Stiles' friends are used to it but Derek is, regrettably, a jock. Then again, jocks have their own profitable sides.

Stiles shakes it all off with a wave of his hand.

"Nevermind me! This is just a thing I do. Classic Stiles. That's me. Stiles," he blurts out and thrusts his hand towards Derek, which he instantly regrets because since when do jocks shake hands?

He marches on, turning to the door and stepping through. Stiles lifts his arms.

"Welcome to my kingdom! Well, it's not my kingdom, unfortunately. I wish I could be king, even if it were just over a room for a limited amount of time but what I mean to say, this is the LGBTQ+ Club Tuesdays and Thursdays at 4:15 till we get kicked out and I am the president of the club, so here we are." He's halfway into the room when he notices Derek has only taken two steps in and then stopped.

"Unless you're not here for that, which is totally cool too," he quickly adds. It's a lie, but hey, he doesn't want to scare the boy off.

"No." Derek says, cautiously taking another step forward but still looking wildly out of place and uncomfortable. "I mean, yes, I am here for that… not something else."

Poor guy almost looks like he's about to faint and Stiles wishes he could do something to make him feel more at ease.

"I'm uh, Derek Hale," he says and Stiles almost lets out a snort.

"Yeah, I know… you are the school's superstar after all, everyone kinda knows your name. Must be super weird, huh? But dude, seriously, everyone here is super chill so don't worry about it. No one's going to call you out or force you to do anything." Stiles smiles as he dumps his backpack on the desk next to the couch and starts pulling out some of his newest gatherings, new stickers mostly, and the usual pins and flags.

"Feel free to look around and basically do whatever you want, if you want. I'm always here early but not many other people are, so you've got about another 10-ish to 20 minutes before people start filing in if you just want the space to yourself," Stiles continues. He chances a glance over at Derek and notices him still standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. Leaning back on the desk, Stiles braces his arms behind him.

"Sorry, I know I talk a lot. Everyone complains about it. But on the plus side, I can answer any and all questions you might have. Nothing is off limits, I promise you, so I'm here at your disposal."

Derek's eyes bore into his and suddenly Stiles questions every single decision he has made in his life ever. A sharp pain in his lips draws his attention to his nervous lip biting. Embarrassing.

"Do you know all of Shakespeare's stuff by heart?" Derek then asks, slowly sauntering closer.

Stiles opens his mouth but his brain is slow to process the quite personal question which has nothing to do with queerness whatsoever. Or well..

"Okay, fair. Shakespeare's pretty gay. Very gay actually, even though they won't teach you that in class, no siree. But anyway, no, I don't know everything. I'd need like a superbrain for that. Wish I could though, that'd be pretty awesome."

"Shakespeare's gay?" Derek asks and if Stiles isn't mistaken there's a smile slowly showing on his face, next to the perpetual look of astonishment.

"Oh, yeah, dude. Like, super gay. You must have heard by now that there's so many dick jokes in his texts. Like, in the plays, oh man. I have most of those memorized, by the way. And I can assure you that those dick references are not all just about pleasuring the ladies," Stiles replies. He's kind of tripping over here. Hello, he's talking to Derek Hale about dick jokes, and yeah, his hopes are way across and over the rainbow by now.

"Maybe that's why I try so hard to rise to his image, I wanna be the best bi can be." He can't help it. It's always a relieving rush to advertise his queerness. Thankfully, Derek's looking more and more relaxed and not like he's going to flee any second.

"That's the middle pin there, right?" Derek gestures to Stiles' backpack, which proudly sports multiple flags and queer quotes and images. One of the biggest one of course, is the big flag.

He beams back at Derek. "Yup, that's the one. That's me."

It's hard to resist asking the beautiful raven-haired boy if he has any interest in the same sex, too, but Stiles manages to keep his mouth shut. This is going too well for him to wreck. He wants Derek to come back, after all.

The butterflies do run rampant all throughout him, from his toes and all the way up to his fingertips and nose, when Derek directs that crooked smile of his at him.

"What about the other big one next to it?" Derek continues, glancing back to the backpack.

This is where Stiles hesitates just for a second but calms his panicking heart with iron-willed resolve.

"That's the ace flag. Asexual pride, that is." He feels ready to vibrate out of his skin, waiting for Derek's reaction. He's never been this scared of a rejection or attack, but then again, he hasn't crushed on someone this hard since Lydia in 3rd grade which basically just ended up being admiration and wonderful friendship.

"I think I read about that," Derek says thoughtfully, eyes still glued to the backpack.

Might they have that in common? Stiles' heart beats so loud he's sure Derek can hear it.

"So, maybe not as big of a fan of dick jokes as Shakespeare?" Derek then says casually, in that uber cool way of his, backpack hanging over one shoulder and hands in his pockets. It's the last thing Stiles expects, and he blinks- before bursting out with a laugh.

"Okay fine, you got me there," Stiles says with a remaining chuckle.

Derek grins at him.

Stiles totally does not melt. He doesn't. Nope. No sir.

"You're robbing me of my dreams here, Hale," Stiles quips. "What, are you coming for my position as president here next?"

"Well… you are only a freshman, right? Which is both kind of curious and terrifying…"

"Oh, I will fight you for the position. You can take my word for it," Stiles warns.

This is the end of the world, folks. You heard it here first. Stiles is bantering with Derek Hale. Reality is about to shift and collapse…

"I guess for now I'll just- I think I'll stay for today's meeting," Derek says, with a slight nervous shift in his posture, but an oh so adorable smile.

"Awesome, dude," is the best thing Stiles can say without making a total and utter fool of himself.

Reality might just be exploding and expanding I to a whole new world.

[samwrights]

Pining After You [hc]

Just some Haikyuu!! head cannons about my favorites pining after the object of their affection—you. I’m gonna limit myself to only one Seijoh 3rd year >_> instead, I’m just gonna make Makki’s super long bc love.

I might turn these into one shots. I’m planning a special series to be released for the entire month of May—let me know what you guys think!

Hanamaki;

Ya know, with my last head cannon, I had such a hard time writing for Makki and now that’s all I wanna do.

Cause THIS BOI is too easy-going, too cool, to ever be blunt and up front about his feelings for you. He can’t ruin his image by stumbling over a confession.

Definitely has been in love with you since your guys’ first year—all thanks to your laugh.

Every time he hears you, even if said laugh is occasionally broken with a gentle, genuine snort, Makki feels every single electrical pulse being sent into his nerve endings.

It was a huge part of the reason that he had started owning the class clown trope, cracking jokes with his peers and even the teachers even though that definitely was not kosher. But his almost dry, sarcastic sense of humor always seemed to be rewarded with the angelic gift that was your laughter.

But he doesn’t know how to talk to you. At all.

He tries really hard not to stare at you, or at least tries not to make it super obvious and fails considering you sit on the opposite ends of the classroom

Makki always has lunch in Mattun’s classroom just so he can freely talk about something you did in class that made him laugh or smile, even if it was something stupid like you dropped your pencil or you raised your hand to answer a question.

In your third year, Mattsun is tIRED of it all.

“Just go fucking confess your feelings, I swear to gOD, or I’ll tell her.”

“Dude no, I can’t she’s way outta my league.”

Did I mention Mattsun is over it? So over it that one day, instead of waiting for his best friend to come to his classroom for lunch, he decides to pay yours a visit.

Makki’s freaking out because the fCK was Mattsun walking over to your desk?!

“She’s coming to our tournament this weekend, so bring your A game.” Was all he said before leaving the poor wing spiker to drown in the blood rising up his neck.

You weren’t friends with anyone on the VBC, but you did actually end up at the tournament with a few friends.

Exhilarating was the only way to describe it, up until Seijoh’s loss to Karasuno.

After the team thanked the spectators for watching, you noticed all the third years crying, signifying the end of their careers.

“Thank you for inviting me to watch, Matsukawa. It was really fun.” You said politely, approaching them afterwards.

Mattsun shoves his best friend towards you, “actually, he wanted to invite you. He just didn’t know how.”

Makki.exe has stopped working. He’s too busy spluttering because he literally has no idea what to say to you now. Cool boy? Not even close.

“I’ve actually wanted to come to one of your matches for awhile. I just thought it was weird because I’m not friends with any of you.”

Oh. O H.

“Y-you could’ve asked me...”

“I was hoping you’d ask me. Why do you think I always laugh at your jokes, Hanamaki?”

“Wait, does that mean you don’t think I’m actually funny?” 💀💀💀 Rip.

“I do. You’re funny, talented, handsome, and I’ve liked you since first year.”

Makki.exe has stopped working.

Akaashi;

Akaashi has studied everything he could about you without ever having actually interacted with you.

He knew you were in Bokuto’s class, he knew your name, and that the two of you interacted often, but never outside of the classroom.

He knew that you always carried your school bag over your left shoulder, and tucked your hair behind your right ear when you felt it was in your face.

Your energy somehow matched his best friend’s while simultaneously calming the owl captain like a gentle wave. You reminded Akaashi of the sun rising over the ocean.

Bokuto, oblivious to nearly everything, never realized that his best friend’s calculations went beyond analyzing the ace. One small section of his brain was dedicated to your ass.

Really, there wasn’t anything extraordinary about you, or at least that’s how you felt about yourself. But every time Akaashi swung by Bokuto’s class to walk with him to practice, his eyes were immediately drawn to you for .067 seconds before he’d look away, so as not to make you feel uncomfortable.

Once in a while, Bokuto would let small details about you slip, like how you were in the art club and that you had a showcase coming up displaying the portfolio you had built over the last three years.

He definitely didn’t ditch practice to be there for your showcase.

Showing up to the venue where the showcase was being held, he suddenly felt very under dressed seeing other third years and teachers adorning formal attire while he showed up in black jeans and a grey button up.

Wandering around the venue, Akaashi looked for you or your artwork, his breath held in his lungs when he saw the arsenal of works displayed on large black boards with your name written elegantly at the very top. Made with various mediums, he was stunned by different paintings and drawings of surreal, exquisite landscapes that could not possibly exist.

Then again, he didn’t think you were real either.

One particular painting invoked a strange emotion in him—a large, desecrated shipwreck amongst of field of bright flowers with the sun setting in the back. Titled “Crack The Sky”, the piece emanated joy and grief in one. It was almost as stunning as you were.

“This one’s my favorite.” You announced sheepishly from beside him and he realized he had never heard your voice before. The setter turned to look at you, drinking in your appearance up close for the first time. “You’re Bokuto’s friend, aren’t you? Akaashi?”

He was kinda hurt to hear you mention Bokuto for reasons unknown to himself jealous much?

“Yeah. It’s nice to meet you.” He bows slightly, remember that no matter how infatuated he was with you, you were still his senpai.

He began walking with you as you explained the creation process of your different pieces. Not that he was actually paying attention, though he’d never admit that. He just liked hearing you talk and he would definitely never admit that.

You excuse yourself as your phone rings, though you don’t walk away, allowing him to hear your end of the conversation. “Yep, he’s here. I owe you dinner. You wanna talk to him?” Akaashi cocks a brow in your direction, staring at your cellphone that you’ve now held over to him. Bokuto’s name flashed on the screen.

“Uh, hi?” The setter asked, confused.

“I made a bet with her that you would ditch practice to go to her showcase because yOu LoVe HeR.”

Aight, imma head out.

Before he could run away out of embarrassment, you grabbed his wrist though you were still on the phone with Bokuto.

“Would you like to join us for dinner? Seems kinda unfair for him to get dinner when you’re the one who made the effort to be here.”

Akaashi graciously accepts to which you respond by telling Bokuto where you would meet him for the evening.

“So you love me, huh?” 💀💀💀 If Akaashi could magically disappear, he would. Or even better, if his blush ran hot enough to melt the skin off his face, that’d be great too.

But you never let go of his wrist until now, opting to wrap an arm around his instead.

“I like you too. Why do you think Bokuto and I made a bet about you coming here, silly?”

Kenma;

Poor Kenma. The worst part of his whole situation was actually being friends with you, knowing he would never get to have you.

Why would you want him, anyway? You were more fit for someone like Kuroo—someone who was as boisterous and confident as you were. He anticipated the day you two announced your relationship and left him behind in your little trio.

Not even Kuroo knew that he was in love with you and maybe that was a mistake on his part but he could never tell his best friend that you were his entire world. It was too embarrassing for him.

It took entirely too much energy to even sort through his feelings alone, how much more exhausting would it be for him to run through every single thing he felt about you to someone else?

Like the way you would nearly skip out your home every morning when the boys came to fetch you to walk to school together.

Or the way you unabashedly asked almost too personal of questions, or questions that were just soooo left field of you were friends with a person. “Hey Kuroo, how many brushes do you think you would break if you finally decided to brush your hair after 17 years?” Was one of Kenma’s favorites.

The way you sing along to every song that plays on your iPod or even the radio, even if you didn’t know the song, you would try to sing along anyway.

Some days, Kenma would look out the window and see you practicing some form of a dance routine in your backyard. He would watch you for hours until you went inside, suddenly feeling shame for being so creepy.

Nearly every night, Kenma just wished he could turn his feelings off while simultaneously wishing you were next to him so he could hold you while he slept.

Your smile was his favorite. Seeing you smile every morning as the three of you walked to school together was what got him through his day. “Hey, hey are you guys coming to my dance competition tomorrow?” You asked in your typical, jovial lilt.

“Of course.” Was all he was able to reply, while Kuroo enthusiastically responded about their attendance.

“Great! I can’t wait to see you guys in the crowd!”

The “C” word, was almost enough to make Kenna regret his decision to come. Even more so when he was surrounded by the masses, all waiting to watch their respective dance teams. But it was for you, and he would do anything for you.

Kuroo was right beside him, a small bouquet of roses in his hand to give to you after you competed. The blood red flowers made Kenna glower and glare in secret, or as secretive as he could be. “I got these for you.” The captain says quietly, handing them over to his best friend.

“Sorry, Kuroo, I can’t say I return your feelings—“

“For you to give to her, you idiot.” 🤡🤡🤡 “I’m not that dumb, Kenma.” The setter really wanted to argue and say that he was, but your school’s dance team was up to perform so he opted to stay quiet.

Have I mentioned that Kenma loves watching you dance? There was a reason he would watch you practice in your backyard. You moved with elegance and grace that was foreign and so opposite to his own demeanor, it was no wonder he was always so captivated by you.

After you compete, there’s a bit of downtime between the other competitors and the awards ceremony, giving you the chance to hang out with your besties.

“These are for you.” The second year says quietly, handing you the bouquet with a blush dusting over his cheeks. The red rivaled that of the roses.

“Aw, thank you, Kenma!” You squeaked out before giving him a kiss on the cheek, his skin burning even hotter. Kuroo’s just over there laughing but ya know.

During the awards ceremony, you’re sitting in a circle with your team not too far from your friends while they announced that Nekoma had taken first. Everyone in the dance troupe began screaming and hugging each other, while you ran straight to your boys.

While still jumping, you were hugging Kuroo so tight, arms squeezing around his neck while sharing the joy. Which made Kenma just a little bit jealous.

Just a little.

Until you’ve settled down from your jumping before wrapping your arms his neck as well. But rather than going for a hug—

Wait what is hAPOENING

You brought your lips to his briefly before burying your face into his neck out of embarrassment because wHY you had thought that was a good idea was beyond you.

Deciding you couldn’t just keep holding onto him, because he was probably embarrassed too, you stepped away, ready to run back to your team. But Kenma didn’t let go, his arms seated securely at your hips as he stared at you.

“I-I’m sorry, I-I don’t know w-w—“

“I love you.”

Wanna see a specific character? Or a different head cannon? Want to see a whole story?

Send in requests!

[sarah-sandwich]

you made that post with your writing advice a few days ago and you mentioned google keep and i remembered to look it up yesterday and !!omg i love it! its great! i have a lot of ideas/inspo that is less "coherent thought/actual scene or event" and more "general vibes/single frame of a movie that i can see in my head" and ive got LOTS of these ideas that dont make as much sense written in a bullet list or something but !!!google keep lmao also do you have any tips for using it? <333

Yes!! That’s how my brain works too! I’m glad you like it! It’s been awesome for me 😊

So google keep. Like I said in that post there’s an app (for android, idk about ios) and a web version (keep.google.com) and they sync through your google account so that you can make a note on your phone and then open the web version on your computer and boom! There it is!

Some features I use:

Dark mode! Self explanatory I think lol

You can pin notes so they stay at the top. I like to pin the ones I know I’m going to write soon or want to keep top of mind

Checkboxes! If you’re making a list you can set the note to do checkboxes and when you check something off it gets crossed off and drops to the bottom of the note. I don’t use this very often because it forces everything in the note into a checkbox line. I did use one for a 5+1 fic I wrote so I could check off the instances of the five things, but otherwise I mostly only use it for shopping lists or stuff I need to do irl, not really for writing.

Archive! You can delete a note and have it move to the trash which gets emptied every 7 days, or you can archive the note so it leaves the main page but isn’t gone forever. I like to archive just in case during editing I end up cutting it and decide to resurrect it to use somewhere it fits better. Or I just like to browse through and be like Wow! look at all this cool stuff you’ve used! Or see if there’s something that can be repurposed and tweaked enough that it fits somewhere else.

Color coding! You can change the color of the note. I like it when all the notes that correspond with one fic are the same color, that way I can tell at a glance which notes belong to which fics and which ones are a random idea/convo/aesthetic that I haven’t put anywhere yet

Labels! I just started using these actually. They work like tags so that you can filter the notes based on the label used. I started using these in conjunction with color-coding. The label shows up in a little bubble at the bottom and you can use the menu on the left to filter so it only shows the label you click on.

Main page normally:

After filtering:

That’s all the tips I have! There are other functions I don’t use like you can “collaborate” (whatever that means--I’m guessing you can link notes across accounts with other ppl? So you can both add to it? Sounds cool but I haven’t used it), copy the note to google docs, set reminders, insert images, and DRAW which I just tried out for the first time bc of this post. I made this awesome doodle lmao

asdfjlkasjdflks he’s beautiful I love him

[potatotrash0]

Please I’m begging you, I need your opinions on the 10th anniversary outfits, partially because my brain fell out of my head once I saw

Ponytail Komaeda✨

But also because I’m in LOVE with so many outfits. I also wanna roast some of them because yikes.

DJDJKEFJ YOU ENABLE ME..........i’m putting this under the tag because i talk a lot and this includes just about as many people as i have an opinion on.......which is a lot skfjskhfjd

Listen someone in Chunsoft looked at the fandom and decided to throw us a bone because they really made each antag look like a hot piece of ass. Byakuya with his big rich bitch coat, Kokichi with his swept hair, Ko with his pony.......they had no right to make them look so hot tbh

Also I love that for the first few days, the Komaeda tag was just full of us freaking out over Ko’s pony. One brain cell, I tell you. Komaeda fans collectively saw him and frothed at the mouth skfjdkfj.......

Okay I NEED to talk about the protags bc my god did they do them dirty.....Saihara’s dirt color suit? Hinata’s piss colored one??? Disgusting. The filter doesn’t help at all because I clearly see Hinata’s suit being white or off-white in the first one with only the protags and supports but SAIHARA???? He was done dirty since the beginning and I’m appalled that they would do that to my boy especially when Kaede and Makoto are right there in perfectly good outfits.

Real quick can we talk about Akane because she is GORGEOUS????? Also Peko!!!! Fuyuhiko you lucky bastard......

Sonia and Gundham??? Muah. Love his scarf, her ponytail, they’re snazzy dates. Also the Devas having lil baby ties on 🥺💘💓💗💞💗

I’m actually personally offended that they didn’t show Ibuki’s whole dress because she looks great already and I’d pay to see her in a dual tone ballgown.

So according to my friend, Souda looks like a neon Leorio and honestly I don’t think I could put it better. He’s even got the tiny grandpa glasses......like he makes them work but still. Grandpa glasses.

Miss Mahiru.........beautiful.....idk what’s up with her headband but I love her dress enough to let it slide.......Hiyoko isn’t in this shot but she looks adorable.......my only complaint is that they aren’t matching........

I like to call this screenshot “Girls 💓💖💕✨”

Celeste looks.....absolutely gorgeous.....I deadass just stopped everything to stare at her when i first saw her tbh her power is immense......Chunsoft give me her full sprite edit now you cowards >:/

Aoi and Sakura!!!!! They’re gfs your honor!!!! I like to think Aoi helped Sakura do her hair before the dance......though I do personally believe Aoi would have rocked a suit but know what she’s beautiful it’s fine

TOKO!!!!!!! I wanna see her hairstyle cause that’s either a bun or a single braid and either way I’m begging you to let me see my wife...............

Can. We talk about Junko. Please. I’m. In love with her........she might commit atrocities but god is she hot........haha........please kiss me—

Teruteru’s lil hat is adorable?? I know I don’t talk about him much but he’s actually very cute here I’ll give him that. Also there’s Hiyoko she’s very pretty.....

CHIAKI AND KYOKO........ACK........be still my heart..........they’re beautiful I want to kiss them and be their date please. Chiaki with buns and Kyoko in a ponytail is everything. I’ve never been more in love with them skjfhfrjgdj

also MIKAN!!!!!!!! ACK SHE’S SO PRETTY......mmm, I am a little bothered that they gave her.....that, idk, instead of a normal jumpsuit because she would have looked drop dead gorgeous without being given something that I feel would probably make her uncomfortable but know what whatever. Maybe I’m nitpicking. She’s still rocking her outfit and looking happy and that’s all I want for her.

I’m so sorry for Leon stans because that suit is literally the most atrocious thing I’ve seen ever. Purple and orange plaid with HIS hair????? Disgusting. I’ve never been more repulsed by one man. He and Saihara got dressed together change my mind.

Miss Kirumi.......kiss me........she’s gorgeous and I want her to rock these kinda outfits more please she deserves it

Miu’s outfit makes her look like an instagrammer or something and honestly good for her, wear those sunglasses inside like the extra inventor you are babe 💖

Chihiro.......I mean they look great but why the leprechaun aesthetic..........very cute though I kinda like it. It’s funky.

Tenko!!!!! Rockin her suit and skirt, very snazzy. The top hat looks out of place but know what, Danganronpa doesn’t draw hats very well in general so I’ll let it slide

...........Ouma move outta the way you’re blocking Himiko skfjskfj. Anyway I like Himiko’s dress too, but I’d probably make the dress navy and blue or something, I think the red/pink/magenta color scheme clashes weirdly with her hair.

Ngl I think Kork and Rantaro actually look okay. The fedoras are. Questionable. But I like to think Rantaro convinced Kork to do it just so they could stand at the entrance when the party started to help hold the doors open and tip their hats, going “m’lady” and winking every time a girl came by. It’s like the only way I can excuse them skfjk

HOWEVER. I can’t forgive Ryoma’s hat because what the hell is that. Did he glue horns to his fedora. What. Huh. Why is that image in my memory now and how do I get it out arghhhhh

Anyway Harumaki!!!!!! My wife.........gorgeous as always queen keep doing what you’re doing.......on that topic, Tsumugi, Angie, and Sayaka also look stunning.......muah

In conclusion all the girls are gorgeous. The guys......hit or miss I guess they do miss huh.

[sinkix]

《What your fav Haikyuu!! Character says about you│Nekoma Edition》

Yo-hoo! Here’s another part to this potential(?) series! I hope you enjoy the possible call-outs in some of these lmao. Writers block been kicking my ass recently but I had a lot of fun writing these. Enjoy <3

You can find the Karasuno ver. here 

✧✧✧✧✧ ✧✧✧✧✧ ✧✧✧✧✧ ✧✧✧✧✧

Kuroo:

Have a hand fetish and will not say no to choking.

Daddy kink™

Will not accept anything below 6 inches.

More of a dog person but would love to own a black cat.

You drool over tattoos.

Your grades are mostly B’s but you know in your heart you deserve that A, and tbh you probably do. Chase ur goals bby.

Halloween is likely your favourite holiday.

You have to resist not to carve a dick into the pumpkin EvEry GodDAmN YeAr.

You either study for 6 hours consecutively or cannot study at all and you get very frustrated at this.

Have the potential to be a good leader and command the room but probably don’t put it to use as much as you should.

Your playlist parkours from sad 3am crying into your pillow songs to aggressive punk music you could rob a store to.

You like bad boys who hang around bars and look like they would put out a cigarette on your forearm and call you a slut. Just stating facts sweaty xoxo.

Either dress very feminine and girly with a ‘smol girl uwu’ aesthetic or a hardass punk who would kick your ass for a can of beer no in between and tbh both are equally hot.

You’re a big softie at heart either way and just want to be held and told everything will be okay.

Ur a hoe for when people stroke your hair or caress your chin it’s your ultimate weakness.

Watched Rick & Morty.

Twice.

Sleeves rolled up veiny forearms and donning a silver watch are your muse and something you fantasise about frequently.

Most of your memes are shitty top text bottom texts that are somehow funny and I don’t understand why lmao.

You call someone ‘bro’ even if it’s someone you’re immensely attracted to.

Did someone say ties? No it’s just ur dirty ass thoughts thinking about that hot business dudes attire from across the street and how you wish they were tied around ur wrists.

Probably had a crush on Jeff the Killer as a tween and are relentlessly haunted by your old Wattpad library. 

Tbh any dark-haired dude with bedhead that screams rugged and probably not good for you is something that draws you like a moth to a flame.

You often question why every person you’ve fallen for has been a Scorpio and curse that tendency of yours.

Dw man they’re hot so I feel u.

Kenma:

Went through a ‘I’m not like other __’ phase and it’s something that you think about a lot and wish you didn’t.

Watched dan & phil as a kid.

Any mention of Pokemon has you turning into a rabid beast you get way too excited.

It’s cute though dw bby.

Pretty antisocial but interesting to talk to.

Your family often question how you’re able to sleep in till 3pm and judge you heavily for it.

Nocturnal night owl gang rise up.

Frequently have bags under your eyes but somehow manage to pull it off.

Listen to ASMR on the down-low and will never admit it to a single soul.

Frequently go on BL binges and have many related book marks.

You pray that someone will never find your laptop bc holy fuck the amount of smut on that.

You wear scarves & beanies even when it isn’t that cold outside.

100% went through a scene hair phase/attempted to.

You dye your hair a lot or REALLY want to.

You have a voice kink low-key so anyone with a pleasant/soothing sounding voice just gets u goin’.

Cats are your favourite animal and you either do or want to own several.

Would name them after video game/anime characters u fuckin nerd lol.

Speaking of cats ,you fantasise heavily about cat-boys and have a folder dedicated to them.

Oversized hoodies are your vibe and always ball the sleeve hems in your fist as a comfort mechanism.

Shopping centres are your worst nightmare and trigger your claustrophobia or social anxiety and honestly I feel that spiritually.

Have a cute sticky note collection.

You like a lot of music consisting of guitar and slow/soothing beats.

You also fw EDM/ techno on occasions.

Honestly wouldn’t wanna anger you since you have a seething temper when pushed far enough.

It’s the kinda temper that’s eerily quiet but no less terrifying, like the other person can tell you are graphically plotting their demise.

You love sleeping to the sound of rainfall and often play those nature ambience videos while you sleep.

Never tidy your sheets and it’s just a big scrunched up heap of fabric in the centre of your mattress most of the time.

Make your fucking bed.

Lev:

Your ships are chaotic and shamelessly controversial.

Would do something just for the sake of creating mayhem lmao.

You were the fucker who stuck their chewing gum under the desk, I see you.

Your brain never stops whirring it’s a constant hurricane of crackhead energy and you have no idea how to turn it off. 

Would eat a stick of pencil lead for $2

You don’t help your situation with the amount of coffee/energy drinks you consume.

The class clown who cries themselves to sleep.

Such a wholesome dumbass but somehow kinda intimidating??? 

Even if you’re not confident you can do something you’ll try anyway and honestly I respect that about you.

You !! use!!! a lot??!! of!! random punctuation!!! so you always??!?!? seem!!111!! excited!!!!!11!?

Every time you’ve ever tried to make a sandcastle it has failed.

You tried to eat the sand once but we don’t talk bout that.

You would  also pick up slugs and snails and chase your friends around with them.

Can never tell whether people are laughing with you or at you and while you don’t let it show it high-key bothers you when you’re laying alone in your room at night.

Not one to hold grudges, you carry a ‘shit happens’ mentality which is v good but it sometimes leads to people taking advantage of it or walking all over you.

Your meme collection is both questionable and horrifying.

Like how many cursed images and heavily distorted pictures does one person need.

Never organise the files on your PC/laptop so it looks like a complete dumpster fire.

The one at sleepovers who persistently woke everyone else up with their snickering and refusal to sleep till dawn.

For the love of Asahi charge your damn phone.

I see that red bar and ‘12%’

Charge it now.

Bought a plant one time, gave it a name and talked to it frequently.

It died not long after bc u forgot to fucking water it.

No one better ever make you responsible for a pet.

Type of person that when someone asks you to tag along on an endeavour no matter how stupid it is you will agree.

2am skydiving in france? hell yeah.

Midnight shopping spree and spending over half your pay check? count you in.

Exploring an abandoned hospital and performing an Ouija board to summon the demons of hell? you’re damn right you’ll be there.

I hope you have a mum friend by your side bc if not how are you still alive.

You sometimes put the milk in before the cereal and it’s something I’ll never forgive you for.

Yaku:

Very responsible and usually make the right decisions.

You do have moments where you act like a complete dumbass though.

Like u go from 50 year old to 5 year old in the blink of an eye.

A hopeless romantic but it’s a side you don’t often reveal.

Prefer strawberry milk over any other flavour.

You’re the type of person to shower twice a day w/o fail.

Where that stank smell coming from? Not you clearly bc your skin is basically 90% The Body Shop’s rose scented soap at this point.

You get stomach aches a lot and you can’t figure out why.

Probably an allergy to everyone’s bs.

Really good at dirty talk even though you don’t seem the type so people are always taken aback.

You have to be really in the mood though otherwise it falls flatter than Oikawa’s ass, use your skill wisely.

You often call people clowns when you know you’re secretly the biggest one going.

Honk honk, hoe.

You send messages in one paragraph rather than multiple texts unless you are REALLY excited.

People underestimate you at times then are shocked when they realise you are capable of being a fire-breathing dragon from the flaming pits of hell.

You like spicy chicken wings.

Such a petty little shit at times lmao.

Enjoy the view from the top of mountains so you either hike a lot or really want to.

Way more of a cat person since it’s just much more convenient for you.

Usually pretty cheerful or calm and people are drawn to your stable/friendly aura.

Went through a phase of drinking mountain dew and your body still feels the awful effects

Fav element is probably air.

You’re 5′6″ or shorter.

Box dyed your hair brunette several times and can never get the pigment out to this day.

Yamamoto:

Whenever you smell something weird in the room you always internally freak out and think it’s you.

Head-butting walls is your hobby.

You fell off your bike as a kid and still have the scar on your knee.

Probably have tons of ear piercings.

Would tame a pigeon and call it Larry.

You get frequent nosebleeds and can never tell if it’s a medical issue or your extreme simping for fictional men/women.

Hopefully the latter.

You constantly chew your pen/pencil in class so you never lend them to anyone out of embarrassment.

I really hope no one ever lends you stationery bc 30 minutes later it’ll look like it was mauled by a rabid rottweiler.

You really want to own a dog and would call it something intimidating like Banshee or Diablo.

You bleached your hair that one time and it almost fell out so now you’re forced to stay at least 10 metres away from all at-home hair dye products.

You tried your best though bby so A for effort, even if it did look like dehydrated ramen afterwards.

Your grades are mostly C’s and you’re barely passing bc you just don’t care about your classes lol.

Still though you’re actually pretty smart so put it to good use you lazy oaf, channel that crackhead energy into something good.

Your phone screen has several cracks in it from when you dropped it on the bathroom floor while shitting and you’ll always be angry at yourself for that.

You have some really weird quirks but you make it work.

Actually a v chill person but you just kinda attract chaos/trouble wherever you go.

Carry a lighter with you even when you don’t need one.

Shy texter but once people see you irl you are the complete opposite, you just dk how to text without coming across as awkward.

One of those people that’s unintentionally funny and always get confused when you make someone laugh but it makes you feel good regardless.

Have a cool necklace collection and own at least one dog-tag/army style pendant.

Should really consider buying a rabbit you would look so cute w/ one.

You have really nice legs and people should compliment them more.

Either severely dehydrated or overly hydrated to the point you are peeing pure tap water so for the love of god please learn moderation, your kidneys and bladder will thank you for it.

Inuoka:

Your favourite character would be Hinata but you like people taller than you so your love for Inuoka spawned.

You really enjoy using the double spiderman meme.

Cannot correctly verbalise your feelings without creating a minimum of 10 misunderstandings but once people are used to it it’s kinda endearing.

You usually wake up in a good mood and people can never fathom how or why.

You either stay up till 5am or you wake up at that time no in between.

A morning person bc you love the sunrise.

Change your lock-screen very regularly bc you get bored.

Your humour consists solely of poop jokes.

When you don’t understand a joke you laugh anyway and hope they don’t ask you if you actually get it.

Happened once and you’re still traumatised from the cricket silence that fell upon the room.

Really like the taste of lemonade and drink it more often than you should.

Often think about what you would look like with a shaved head.

More of an extrovert but def have occasional introvert tendencies where you wanna be left tf alone.

Never allowed to pick up anything in stores bc the last time you did you sniffed a scented candle and it shattered to the floor.

Constantly have spontaneous ideas of what to change about your appearance.

You use a lot of hand gestures like thumbs up and peace signs.

‘Dude’ and ‘lmao’ is 90% of your vernacular.

Your nails are a disaster, some are down to the nub while others are pretty grown out bc you only bite a select few please sort it out.

Look really good in red.

Your laptop has way too many tabs open from random google searches of words you didn’t know the meaning to.

You read a lot of books but for like 10 minutes at a time bc you have the attention span of a walnut.

You are the type of person to nuke your AO3 tags with things that aren’t even relevant purely bc you found them funny.

Your Tumblr drafts are a nightmare, you have like 100+ in the works yet keep starting new projects why do you do this.

Happy sunshine but you have a LOT of mood swings like that shit comes out of nowhere.

Cry pretty often but no one ever sees and it’s usually because of said mood swings.

You always smile and pick yourself up again though which I commend you for.

TYPES IN CAPITALS IN SITUATIONS THAT DO NOT REQUIRE SAID PUNCTUATION SO YOU SEEM LIKE YOU’RE YELLING ALL THE TIME.

[lillupon]

So, I've got a very long rant/opinion here and Idk really know how to say this without coming off kinda bad but I'm gonna say it anyways. I agree with the fact that the seventeen tag has been kinda dry lately on most fanfic places, but it's really only in the smut area. It's the sane way with other groups too I feel like. All of the nice little innocent tags are boomin to this day and thats completely fine. I think the smut tag is dry tho bc lately I feel like a few social issues (like sexualizing people and disrespecting them and their identity) have crossed over into kpop and have been ?blown out of proportion? Lately there's been a rampage of people who like to say that writing smut about someone is disgusting and is dehumanizing because people want to assume that it would make the idols uncomfortable which could equate to some morality issues on how you are reducing someone only to their body without their consent and a bunch of stuff like that. It kind of pisses me off bc this is fiction. About grown adults. Clamping down on horny people who simp over hot asian men isn't going to solve the issues we face in real life. I think a shit ton is wrong with the world we currently live in, and deciding to come after something that isn't even real bothers me. Like what does that actually accomplish. But yeah, I think thats a reason why smut has been dying down. I mean, on youtube almost every video about unpopular opinions, or things they dont like about kpop will include something about shipping idols in fanfics. And then everyone in the comment section will talk about how its all fine and dandy in moderation, but once people start writing smut it's crossing the idols personal boundaries. It's something I've been seeing a lot more often and I think people who are interested in writing smut are being turned away from it bc we've gotten to a point where people are being called disgusting for having fantasies.

Hi Anon, thank you for sending in this Ask. 

I want to preface this by saying: when I write or talk about Mingyu and Wonwoo fucking on my blog, it is a fantasy. I am not speculating about what the real Mingyu and Wonwoo might be like in bed. I am imagining the versions of Mingyu and Wonwoo that I have created in my head, that exist only in my stories. None of it is real. I understand that this can be a blurry boundary for some people. But for me, the separation between fantasy and reality is well-defined. Now, on to your Ask!

You’ve hit the nail on the head with this one. You’ve also touched on many of the issues I have been struggling with myself as of late. It’s difficult to argue about morals since everyone has a different set of values, as well as different comfort levels. Some people think real person fiction (RPF) is a gross invasion of privacy. Others are fine with it. And others don’t care one way or another. There is no single answer; I can only offer my answer. Which means, of course, people are welcome to disagree with it, or parts of it. 

In this essay (LOL But forreal: this is an essay), I will be sharing my experience in the k-pop fanfic community from 2014 to present, the etiquette I personally abide by as a reader and writer of RPF, as well as my stance on RPF in general.

I started reading and posting fanfics back in 2014/2015 on a website called AsianFanfics (AFF). Obviously, no one on that site had a problem with RPF, since AFF is a platform made specifically for sharing stories about Asian celebrities. For many years, I read and enjoyed RPF with zero guilt. I scribbled away by myself in my own corner of fandom and curated my own content. I didn’t interact much with other fans, readers, or writers. I didn’t have a Twitter, and I only used tumblr to reblog memes. As a result, I’ve been able to avoid a lot of anti-shipping discourse, as well as purity and cancel culture. I had no idea there were so many negative opinions about RPF. It wasn’t until I became active on the subreddit r/Fanfiction last year that I learned about all the discourse surrounding RPF. 

This newfound ‘awareness’ does make me feel guilty at times—but only because after mulling this over, I still don’t think this is something to feel guilty about.

Here’s what I remember, first and foremost, when I create and consume RPF: fanfics and my favourite ships are fictional, and fiction is fantasy. This is basic etiquette when it comes to RPF, and most people in the k-pop fandom understand this. Delusional fans exist, of course, but they are not representative of the entire k-pop community. 

Another point of etiquette is to keep fanfics within fandom spaces. I would never push my fics into celebrities’ faces, or go around claiming that my fanfics are accurate representations of a k-idol’s life or personality, in any way, shape, or form. I would also discourage directing ship-related questions to official accounts, or bringing them up during fansigns or other face-to-face interactions; I believe that in these instances, shipping does have the potential to strain real-life relationships.

So with basic etiquette out of the way, let me share my approach to RPF in general.

As much as we like to think we know our favourite celebrities, we really don’t. All we see is their public persona. And this public persona is intentionally controlled, managed, and curated by a team of people: directors, tabloids, editors, makeup artists, publicists, etc. How “real” are these celebrities? We are so distanced from them that they may as well be fictional.

I draw from the public persona that idols project, and I work them into my own writing. But at the end of the day, these personalities are my own interpretation. My interpretation is probably nothing like an idol’s actual personality. I just use the “public persona/character” that idols portray as inspiration for my own stories, which are set in wildly different universes.

More than anything, I think of k-pop idols as “actors” in my fic. You know how when you write an original novel, you scroll through Google images, looking for the perfect person to portray your original character? RPF is literally that, except you might build upon pre-existing dynamics and personalities.

When it comes to explicit fanfiction, two main concerns are prevalent: one of consent, and one of sexualisation.

If we argue against explicit RPF due to lack of consent, we should be willing to apply the same lens to all explicit works. How do we know that the creator of a movie, book, series, etc., is okay with us using their characters in our stories, explicit or not? We don’t. Perhaps some creators encourage fanfiction, but don’t want their lovingly crafted characters engaging in sexual acts or experiencing trauma. We just don’t know. I feel this line is even more blurred when we talk about characters from movies or TV series.

Let’s take Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, as portrayed by Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan, from the Captain America movies as an example. I am willing to bet that when people consume and create explicit fanfiction about Steve and Bucky, they are imagining Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan in their heads. I doubt many people are imagining the 2D cartoon versions of Steve and Bucky, even though they’re technically the exact same characters. Why? Well, it could be because movies are more readily and easily consumed than comics, and so people are unfamiliar with comic book Steve and Bucky. But it might also be because fans find Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan attractive. Is this really any different from RPF, where fic authors make up everything about a celebrity’s life?  

When readers and writers of fanfic talk about how hot Steve Rogers or Bucky Barnes is, those comments are about Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan’s bodies. When reading explicit stories, fans are going to picture Chris and Sebastian’s bodies in their head, doing sexual things. Can we say, “Well, it’s not really you, Chris/Sebastian”, when in a way, it is?

The reality is, people are going to thirst over celebrities, regardless of whether or not explicit fanfiction exists. They’re going to post thirst tweets on Twitter. They’re going to talk to friends and strangers online about how hot [insert celebrity name here] is. They’re going to fantasize about dating and having sex with their favourite celebrity. Or, as it is in my case, they’re going to make up stories in their heads about their favourite idols dating and banging each other. People are going to do all of this without ‘getting consent’ from the celebrity. Cracking down upon and shaming writers of RPF isn’t going to change any of that.

To be honest, I’m not sure why people think it is disgusting to imagine sexual scenarios about real people. It is okay and normal to have these kinds of fantasies. I suppose the alternative is to fantasise about having sex with cartoon characters instead? It’s a very binary way of thinking to say that if you imagine/write real people in explicit scenarios, you are immediately sexualising, dehumanising, or objectifying them. There is more to dehumanisation than writing smut about our favourite celebrities. For one thing, you can love someone and appreciate all parts of them, and still want to fuck their brains out. And generally, fanfics come from a place of love—love that is not only sexual in nature.

Is it the sharing aspect inherent to fanfiction? The possibility that a celebrity might stumble upon explicit works about them? The chances are very low, I think, of the k-pop idols I enjoy writing about coming across my English fics. But I also believe in curating your own content, and that applies to celebrities too. Perhaps a celebrity should not go searching for fanfics about themselves. And of course, people should not show celebrities their fanfics, unless invited.

Another argument I hear against (explicit) RPF is, “How would you feel if someone wrote fanfiction about you?” First off, I don’t like this argument because there’s a difference between someone who decides to be a public figure versus someone who decides to remain a regular private citizen. Celebrities should and do know what they’re getting into when they choose their occupation. (This is not to say, “They are celebrities; sexualise them all you want because that’s what they signed up for.” Here, I am only acknowledging that people might have sexual fantasies about celebrities they are attracted to. Presumably, celebrities are cognizant of this.)  

If someone (whose existence I am not even aware of, mind you) decides they want to write explicit fanfiction of me in some tiny corner of the Internet, I wouldn’t care so long as: (1) they don’t shove it into my face, and (2) they don’t harass me and ask invasive questions about my personal life and relationships. It’s not hurting me or negatively affecting my life, so it wouldn’t even register as a blip on my radar. When fanfiction remains within its appropriate spaces, it is largely harmless. 

Now, if a k-pop idol were to ask their fans to stop writing fanfiction about them, would I? Yes, I would. However, I can’t imagine that happening. Judging by the number of ‘sexy’ concepts, fanservice moments, and variety shows such as ‘We Got Married’, I am certain that k-pop idols realise they are the stars of many fantasies—some of which are explicit in nature. Considering the prevalence of shipping in the k-pop industry, I would argue that shipping is subtly encouraged.

It’s sad that so many talented writers are shamed out of fandom, or feel that k-pop cannot be the medium through which they tell their stories, or explore their sexuality, or cope with trauma, or simply have fun. Professional works and Hollywood love their RPF—readers and writers of fanfics should be able to, as well. 

As you said Anon, “clamping down on horny people who simp over hot asian men isn't going to solve the issues we face in real life” (this is a lovely sentence, by the way). The kind of person who dehumanises another and reduces them to a sexual object will do so some other way, if not via fanfiction. I don’t think the issue of fetishisation can be fixed simply by telling people not to write explicit RPF. In my experience, people who read and write RPF are more respectful and thoughtful about these things than the general public. We’ve all seen the general public say highly sexual things about celebrities in the media and to their faces, or tag celebrities in their thirst tweets. Are these things less invasive than fanfiction? Personally, I don’t think so. And in my opinion, there are more pressing and damaging issues in stan culture than fanfic.

In conclusion, I don’t think there is anything wrong with creating and consuming RPF, both explicit and non-explicit so long as we:

Remember we are writing fiction

Keep RPF within its appropriate space, and

Do not harass celebrities about their personal lives and relationships

RPF is not for everyone. There may be people who enjoy RPF, but draw the line at explicit stories. This is fine. Everyone has their own personal preferences. What is not fine, however, is attacking people for creating things you don’t like. I’m not sure what kind of moral crusade people are on and what they hope to achieve by shaming writers of RPF, explicit or otherwise. Ultimately, fic authors are writing a fantasy. It’s not real; no one is being hurt. I think it’s important for people to curate their own content, and AO3 makes it very easy to filter out explicit works and unwanted tags. 

Maybe this is me trying to justify my own participation in explicit RPF—I don’t know. What I do know is that I love k-pop, and fandom is an important part of my media and entertainment experience. I adore the k-pop idols I write about, and I just want to imagine them being happy and getting lots of love and orgasms. Let a bitch be horny, goddamn… 

Some bonus fun facts!

At the time I am writing this, on AO3:

26.2% of Stray Kids fanfics are rated M or E

26.3% of Seventeen fanfics are rated M or E

29.0% of Merlin fanfics are rated M or E

34.9% of Captain America (Movies) fanfics are rated M or E

40.1% of BTS fanfics are rated M or E ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Coincidentally, I saw this post on Reddit this morning: Can we have a RPF positivity post?

[aryn-writes]

And we are back to over sharing to deal with my mental health

TW: Caps, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Depression, Anxiety

Venting Post!

I am so tired. And before you ask, yes I sleep over six hours every night. When I can, I sleep over 12. So my sleeping is not the issue.

The issue is that I have no fucking clue how to exist anymore.

I was initially trying to remain as the person that I was. They were a happyish ray of sunshine that was so good at helping people. And they did! People came to them daily to vent, get advice, or just letting them know that they are doing better. And I wasn’t doing great mentally then, but I was making improvements!

It has been over a year since we went into lockdown.

And you know, there have been good things that came out of the isolation.

I know I am nonbinary! And I was getting closer to dressing how I want!

But I am exhausted.

While I am at a healthy weight now, I have been slipping in and out of my ED habits. My family has also been continuously shitting on me for gaining weight. (if you’re curious, I am 5’4” [~162 cm] at 135 lbs [~61 kg]. I used to be at 100 lbs [45 kg]. And I would continuously dip back in double digits.) So, I have a fear that I’m going tot get bad again and that is just not something that I can handle at the moment.

I also can’t socialize, because holy fuck that shit is terrifying.

Like there are times when I can’t even talk to my family.

My closest friends? One of them messages me daily to make sure I’ve eaten at least one thing (which I agree, very kind, but I will explain why I don’t like it in a bit.) The other I haven’t talked to in months and it is so awkward when we try to talk. All the other people I used to consider close haven’t talked to me in a year, even after I would attempt to reach out to them.

I know that it is partially my fault; I am horrible at messaging and keeping conversations going is one of my weaker points, even in person. Along with that, I have been having depressive episodes more often that I care to keep track of, and I push people away and isolate myself during those times. So I get that it might be difficult to talk to me.

But there are people who I will reach out to, and they read the message and just don’t respond.

Like... I will literally say “hey! It’s been a while, how have you been?” (No response)

A week goes by

“I’m just checking in to make sure you’re doing alright” (left on read)

Another week

“Me and this person wanted to plan a small hang out online! She found this really cool website that we can play games, and we can use discord to chat. Wanna join?” (No response)

And it goes on.

For over seven months.

So if you have an active imagination and are prone to overthinking, you can imagine that my thoughts are “well shit. They just don’t like me and were only friendly bc i was dating him.” (Him being my ex boyfriend; we broke up a month into the quarantine.)

And so that kinda fucked with my anxiety even more.

I don’t blame them for not talking to me. The logical part of me understands that sometimes you just don’t respond, or maybe you forget or just don’t want to. I get that. But the part of me that has been overwhelming is pretty much like, everyone hates you and you’re a burden.

And it’s really hard to open up to the people you are close to when you feel this way.

So we come back to the close friend who checks that I’ve eaten.

He is wonderful, do not get me wrong. We became acquaintances around September 2019, and friends a few months after. At this time, I was dating my ex, who was an acquaintance to the close friend. (We are going to call the close friend Edward from here on out.)

At that time, I was struggling with my body image and my eating disorder. (Every year I go through a relapse and recovery, it fucking sucks and sometimes the relapse take over almost the whole year, but not the point right now.) One of his first memories of me is me having a panic attack because I ate a sandwich.

So during this pandemic, Edward has been messaging me to make sure I’m eating, because he doesn’t want me to get really bad again. Which is nice!

Except he doesn’t really understand mental illness.

He has been trying! Do not get me wrong, he does try. But his way of going about talking to me during a depressive episode is “Just don’t let it get to you” And “Be happy” and my favorite, “I don’t get why it’s so bad.”

😃🤡

Along with that, he gets incredibly upset when I don’t respond to his messages within like thirty minutes.

Keep in mind, I have been going through many, many depressive episodes and am constantly struggling to get out of bed and keep up with my school work. I have told him this. I have told him that sometimes I just cannot handle checking my messages and participating in conversation.

And a side note, I am in my last year of high school. Which mean I have online learning and in a few months I will be graduating. Which means I have a few classes I need to pass in order to graduate. If you keep up with most high schoolers, we have been getting an absurd amount of work with due dates every fucking day. That plus depression does not go well, and so I am very tired all the time, but since we have actual lectures instead of recordings, I keep my camera on for every single class because the teacher’s get sad if we don’t. And yes, there are classes where it is just me and the teacher with our cameras on. And yes I constantly disassociate during class and stop focusing because I forget to.

So yeah, it is fucking hard to just keep up with that, and socializing isn’t really something my brain sees as important because of the constant negative energy I receive when I do try to talk to people. So I have told him that as of late, it is just difficult to do much besides school, and things that produce any sort of serotonin or dopamine.

And he got upset that talking to him wasn’t making me happy!

Which, it does! Because he is a great friend! But he is so rude about the things involving my mental illnesses! And acts like he understands it better because he is in a psychology class! So in this state, I do not feel as comfortable talking to him since he only wants the ‘happy’ version of me that struggles to eat so that he can ‘fix’ my eating disorder and be able to feel like he did something!

But I continue to try to talk to him, because he is an only child and I am one of his only actual friends. (I really wish I was kidding, but when we became close, he told me that I was the first person to ever actually care about how he’s feeling and how he is actually doing rather than just taking advantage of his presence. He almost cried when I said that I appreciated his existence.)

And I do care about him. Edward is definitely a close friend, and I appreciate that he tries. But lately, he only does it for the validation of knowing he did something good, and it feels like he is just tired of having me around since I can’t bring myself to speak much.

So I have been trying to push myself to be a good friend to him. And I am doing what I can to pretend that I am getting better so that he can be happier. Which is just tiring me out even more.

I feel empty most of the time now, and I am so easily put over the edge. I can hide it pretty well, but it has been getting to the point where I am contemplating self harm again just to feel something.

I don’t remember how to properly do things. I am really just trying to get through every day. But it feels like I am headed straight for doom and I am so tired of it and I just want to leave!

Which in a few months, technically I will. I hope to go out of state for college (to get as far as I possibly can from all of this shit) but as I apply to more scholarships, I want to scream and cry because I have no clue how I am going to pay for college because my parents make too much money and my mother spends it all on herself so I am stressed out. I didn’t do enough extracurriculars, and I have been rejected from so many scholarships that it’ s starting to look like I might need to stay here, and I can’t do that. I just can’t.

So I have been crying and trying to escape from this shit, and I feel like at some point I might just constantly think that nothing is real and none of this shit matters, because that is on my mind more and more.

But hey! I have been reading, writing, gaming, watching anime and drawing to cope so that shit exists (even though it’s all shit so I won’t post it) and I’m making improvements with that so that is something?

I don’t fucking know lol.

I am just tired, and this was a rant. I don’t fucking care. Hope you have a good day!

[uncloseted]

How Can I Care Less About My Image Like Effy? Less About Impressing Others And More About Just Doing What I Like Without Letting Them Influence Me?

Anonymous said:

So I have some problems with my confidence. I can be confident at times but it lasts for a very short time and I begin analysing every part of myself and find new insecurities. Sometimes it makes me feel really disgusting so any advice?? Thank you for this blog btw

Anonymous said:

Even though there are people who like me I feel like I'm not a likeable person because I'm insecure and this gets in the way of me socialising, having fun and having good relationships with people. How do I stop feeling this way?

Anonymous said:

last night i had the worst breakdown i’ve had in foreve about how ugly i was, every single detail about myself was so prominent and i’ve fallen so deep down this hole where i couldn’t hate myself more. i’m so unattractive andthat’s the only thing that people give a fuck about , relatives, friends, family, employers, it’s consumed my life. sometimes i’ll look in the mirror and like what i see &for that fleeting moment i’m so fucking happy you can’t imagine but then i go back to seeing the truth

Anonymous said:

I hate myself. How do I mask my insecurities and make people think I'm confident and make it look like don't care about what they think?

Anonymous said:

how can i appear more confident?

Anonymous said:

how do i deal with fear of being judged? I'm always so scared that people I've known for a long time will remember embarrassing things I've done and still laugh at me for it

Anonymous said:

I'm so insecure because I care so much what people think, its so bad that I don't even want to leave my house. When I go out with all my friends, almost all of them get complimented somehow and I never do, it might sound selfish or something but it really brings down my self esteem, I start feeling like I'm invisible or that people only hang out with me because they feel bad for me, and it makes me want to stop being social/getting out of the house, etc.

Anonymous said:

I sometimes hate my face so much and I feel so insecure and it's the worst feeling :( I hope I like the way I look one day but it seems so hard.

Anonymous said:

I can’t be confident with myself, I’m a huge ppl pleaser bc it feels like is the only way to keep them around, and I guess that’s ok but what frustrastes me the most is the fact that ppl don’t see me or my personality, it’s like I’m just there to help them out, to be their side kick... whenever I try to be confident I cringe at myself... How can I feel more secure with myself?

More than any other question, the thing I get asked most is how to build self-confidence, overcome insecurities, and deal with the fear of being judged.  In this post, I’m going to put every tip and trick I know about becoming confident, no matter who you are and the situation you’re in.

The first thing to remember about confidence is that people aren’t drawn to people because they’re beautiful, or smart, or kind, or fun, or interesting.  People are drawn to people who are confident.  If you’re confident and weird, you’re not weird, you’re a visionary.  If you’re confident and ugly, you’re not ugly, you’re “unconventionally beautiful” or a trendsetter.  If you’re confident and overly serious, you’re not boring, you’re a leader.  A lot of people think it’s the other way around- that only beautiful, smart, charming people who are well-liked can be confident- but it’s not true.  To use a Skins example, Tony’s not a good person.  He’s manipulative and cruel.  But people like him (at least in the beginning) and go along with what he says because he’s confident.  The same goes for Katie.  You can argue about whether she’s objectively the most attractive girl in the group, but she acts confident in herself and in her appearance, and it works. Lots of guys are attracted to her.  So that’s the first thing- don’t focus on changing yourself (physically or emotionally) in the hopes that you’ll be more confident.  Instead, focus on changing your mindset to that of a confident person.  It will make a huge difference. 

Of course, that’s all easier said than done, and the process of building self confidence can take a while.  In the meantime, while you’re on the journey of actually becoming confident, one thing that can help is “faking it until you make it”.  When you’re going about your day, ask yourself, “how would a confident person who’s never experienced insecurity or anxiety handle this situation”?  Then do what a confident person would do.  If you have a really confident friend, it can help to imagine what they would do in a given situation and then do that.  Pretend everyone you meet already loves you and thinks you’re great.  Pretend like you think you’re great.  It will feel uncomfortable at first, but you’ll start getting used to it and the “confident” responses to things will start feeling normal.  One thing that can make this a little bit easier is to talk to yourself in the second person.  By saying things like “you’ve got this”, your brain will (sort of) feel like you’re receiving advice from somebody else, which is more motivating than getting advice from ourselves.

There are also some exercises you can use to build your self confidence on your own. Some of you have heard this one before, so bare with me, but the first thing I suggest is:  every morning, look at yourself in the mirror and say some things you like about yourself.  I know you probably feel like you can’t find any, but try.  Focus on those things that you like and try to only focus on those things.  Write them down, either physically (on a sticky note on your mirror, maybe) or in your phone.  Each day, try to add a new thing to the list.  When you’re out and about, remember those things that you like about yourself, focus on them, and try to draw attention to them.  When other people compliment you, add those to your list as well.  I think eventually by recognizing all of the things that you like about yourself, you’ll be able to feel like there are things about you that you can be confident in, and you won’t focus so much on the things that you feel are negative.  These don’t have to just be things that are physical.  You should include things you like about your personality as well.

I mentioned this trick the other day, but I want to put it here as well.  A lot of people who are insecure use deprecating humor to cope and as a bid to get other people to like them.  But I think that can be really emotionally damaging.  Like Hannah Gadsby said in Nanette, “I have built a career out of self-deprecating humor, and I don’t want to do that anymore..do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? It’s not humility. It’s humiliation. I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak, and I simply will not do that anymore, not to myself or anybody who identifies with me.”  Self-deprecation impacts our self-esteem, and it impacts the way people around us view us.  The more times we say something, even as a joke, the more we start to believe it, and the more the people around us start to believe it.  So instead, make fun of yourself by pretending you’re really, really cocky.  If you trip and fall, instead of saying, “I’m such a disaster”, replace it with “I’m the epitome of grace and beauty”.  If you make a piece of art and you think it sucks, say, “Obviously I’m the next Di Vinci/Michelangelo/whatever.”  If you say something dumb, instead of saying, “I’m so stupid,” say, “I’m clearly the next Einstein.”  You still get to make a joke and diffuse any awkwardness the situation has, but you also get practice saying nice things about yourself.  And eventually, you’ll get so used to saying nice things about yourself as a joke that it won’t feel so weird to say those things about yourself in a serious way, too.

For those people who feel insecure about things they did in their past, try and think of something embarrassing one of your friends has done.  Can you think of anything?  The vast majority of people remember their own embarrassing moments really vividly, but don’t remember things other people have done at all.  Reminding yourself that you’re probably the only one who remembers or cares about the mistake you made can help you let go.  The mistakes you’ve made in the past are learning experiences that you’ve grown from and changed from, and the fact that you’re embarrassed by them is a good thing.  It means that you’re not that person anymore- that you’ve become someone better.  I think that’s something to celebrate instead of something to cringe at.  It can also help to talk to yourself as if you were a friend who’s remembering an embarrassing moment. Would you tell them how embarrassing that moment was and how much they suck?  Probably not.  You’d be nice to them and tell them things will be okay.  Talk to yourself like you would a friend.

The fact that people aren’t paying attention to what you’re doing doesn’t just apply to cringey things you did in your past.  People are unlikely to remember that one time you tried a new hairstyle or wore an unusual piece of clothing.  They’re unlikely to remember that one time you asked someone out and they rejected you.  So many of the social pressures we feel can be remedied by remembering that most people are way too worried about what they’re doing and how they appear to the world to care about what you’re doing. 

One more piece of advice- stop comparing yourself to other people.  The old adage, “comparison is the thief of joy” is totally, scientifically proven to be true.  Comparing ourselves to other people (or to TV shows, movies, characters in books, etc) makes us much less happy because we’re comparing everything we know about ourselves, good and bad, with a curated version of this person.  We don’t see them when they wake up in the morning with crusty eyes and frizzy hair, or when they have the flu, or when they’re overwhelmed and anxious and lashing out at the people around them.  But the truth is that everyone, even the people you think have perfect lives that you see on social media, are just people.  They have bad habits and negative traits and days where they’re not at their best, just like the rest of us.  If you really want to start being confident, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to mute or unfollow the people who make you feel insecure online, and replace them with people who inspire you- artists or activists or cute videos of animals, whatever works.  You’ll never be able to feel good about yourself if you’re constantly tracking all the ways in which you feel you don’t measure up.  But you will if you’re constantly seeing all the ways in which you do.

Last thing. Basic life care stuff, like good posture, exercising, eating well, sleeping well, meditating, and just generally practicing self-care and taking care of yourself can improve your confidence as well.  If you’re not starting on a strong foundation, it’s hard to build anything that will last.  But if your foundation is solid, all of the things you do to build your self-confidence on top of that will be, too.

[autistic-girl-academic]

Cookie Run OCs

gdi apparently one of the cookies in cr kingdom is named licorice cookie so screw it i’m biting the bullet and posting my half-baked (ha) oc ideas now even if some of them have already been taken anyway. sorry there’s no art bc i’m terrible with digital stuff and can’t access a scanner to upload my drawings. there are almost certainly going to be more to come later because this game refuses to leave my brain.

Black Licorice Cookie: The powerfully astringent flavor of black licorice certainly isn’t to everyone’s taste - and that’s just the way Black Licorice Cookie likes it! This daredevil of a Cookie loves nothing more than testing her limits, so she’s always on the lookout for something to get her adrenaline pumping. That doesn’t mean she isn’t without her sweet side, however, which comes out most strongly when protecting her precious little sister. Get between them at your own risk!

Red Licorice Cookie (Sibling): Don’t mess with my little sis if you know what’s good for you!

Mustard Cookie (Trust): Nobody else gets me like Mustard Cookie does!

Kiwi Cookie (Friendly): Hey, I’ve got an idea for some cool bike tricks!

Roll Cake Cookie (Friendly): Going for a ride in that road roller and smashing things is such a rush! WHOO!

Initially I had the mental image of her as a Cookie with a web design and a spider pet, but then Truffle Cookie came out, so now I pretty much picture her skill being that she runs a Ninja-Warrior-style obstacle course or something. Maybe her pet could be a black cat instead?

Red Licorice Cookie: Between the fruity fragrance of her signature red hair and her sweet, outgoing personality, it’s no surprise that this Cookie is so popular! Red Licorice Cookie is a champion at gymnastics with plenty of fans, and performing with the ribbon is where she shines the most. She and her older twin sister might be as different as night and day, but their bond is as strong as a thousand strands of licorice twisted together!

Black Licorice Cookie (Sibling): I’ve got the coolest big sis in the world!

Cheerleader Cookie (Trust): Cheerleader Cooke is my BFF!

Yoga Cookie (Friendly): She’s helped me train to be much more flexible for my routines.

Skating Queen Cookie (Admiration): I can’t believe I actually got her autograph!

At first I imagined her as being a sort of epic version of Cheerleader Cookie, performing double dutch with a few friends much like the cheer team. Her pet would be a charm bracelet.

Oatmeal Cookie: Every day at the crack of dawn, this dutiful cowgirl is already hard at work, keeping a watchful eye over her herd with the help of her trusty steed, Raisin. If even a single cow goes missing, Oatmeal Cookie won’t rest until she’s got them home safe and sound. The tricks she can perform with a lasso will certainly knock your socks off! And when the sun starts to set, you can hear the sound of her yodeling from far across the plains.

Peanut Butter Cookie (Family): I’m the luckiest Cookie alive to have such a beautiful gal as you...

Knight Cookie (Friendly): You sure know how to burn the breeze!

Adventurer Cookie (Friendly): Nice hat ya got there, pardner!

Space Doughnut (Tension): Hey, stop spookin’ my herd!

Her skill would probably involve dodging obstacles on her horse while catching some runaway cows, and her pet would be a cowbell.

Peanut Butter Cookie: There’s nothing better for a boost of energy than some delicious, nutritious peanut butter! And forest ranger Peanut Butter Cookie definitely needs that energy, as she spends every day traversing the woods to keep them safe. Whether she’s helping Cookies who have gotten lost find their way home or rescuing woodland critters from danger, you can always depend on Peanut Butter Cookie. She’s especially fond of younger Cookies and enjoys teaching them wilderness survival skills.

Oatmeal Cookie (Family): She and I pack each others’ lunches every day.

Pancake Cookie (Friendly): Be careful climbing trees for those Acorn Jellies, dear!

Cream Puff Cookie (Friendly): I’m sure you’ll get that spell right next time, hun.

Fig Cookie (Trust): They’re always eager for me to tell them stories.

Fire Spirit Cookie (Tension): You keep those flames away from the forest, you hear?

You can probably tell by now that I’ve put like 0 thought into any of my Cookie OC’s skills. Anyway, her pet would be a bear that she helped when it was a cub, who shows up to help her by smashing obstacles.

Coconut Cookie: The Tropical Soda Archipelago has a long history of telling stories through traditional dance. Coconut Cookie comes from a long line of those dancers, and Cookies will flock from every island to watch her perform. Crowned with a garland of bright yellow coconut blossoms, she moves with the utmost rhythm and grace. It’s said that she practices every day so that she can bring peace and good fortune to the islands.

Mango Cookie (Trust): My best friend since we were little - I remember his very first boat!

Ananas Dragon Cookie (Admiration): The Dragon honored my ancestors by praising their dances.

Soda Cookie (Friendly): Going for a ride on the waves is the best, isn’t it?

Squid Ink Cookie (Friendly): Poor little thing, there’s no need to be shy.

My first thought was for her to make a sort of bubble shield out of coconut oil, like Lemonade Cookie but without the magnetic effect (maybe slower energy drain instead?) - I’m still undecided about it though. Her pet would be a bunch of coconuts who make coconut milk potions. Also, I picture her being related to Artichoke Cookie, but he’s not in Ovenbreak...YET? (pls devsis)

Honeycomb Cookie: Out in a charming little cottage atop a hill lives Honeycomb Cookie - and her many hives of Jelly Bees. Years upon years of working with the bees has allowed her to understand them so well, it’s almost as if she talks to them! If you happen to arrive on her doorstep, you can be sure that she’ll treat you to some delicious tea sweetened with honey and send you on your way with a basket of homemade treats.

Herb Cookie (Family): My cute little grandson certainly inherited the family green thumb.

Spinach Cookie (Trust): Oh, how sweet of you to bring me a basket of vegetables, dearie!

Fairy Cookie (Friendly): Ah, you’re so small I mistook you for another bee.

Matcha Cookie (Friendly): A bit of a strange one, but it’s nice to have some laughter over tea.

Not sure what her skill would be, but I think her pet would be a queen Jelly Bee that grows from a baby to an adult as you collect more jellies.

Souffle Cookie: A chef famous for turning simple Jellies into extravagant and delicious meals. Though he can come off as strict and a bit intimidating, he truly does care about creating good food for every Cookie who comes to his restaurant. Souffle Cookie is quite the perfectionist, so if a recipe doesn’t come out as planned, he tends to sulk so badly that even his fluffy chef’s hat deflates! But it never lasts long before he throws himself back into his work with renewed passion.

Sparkling Cookie (Trust): My cooking and your juice is the ultimate combination!

Sandwich Cookie (Admiration): To create such simple but delicious meals...C’est magnifique!

Mala Sauce Cookie (Friendly): Just watch, I’ll create a meal more than spicy enough to satisfy you!

Dr. Wasabi Cookie (Tension): I am NEVER using your syrup as a ‘secret ingredient’ EVER again!

Again, not sure what his skill would be, but maybe his pet could be a spoon. Sous-chef Spoon?

Rainbow Sugar Cookie: Sugar Cookie was always painfully shy and never considered herself all that important. However, everything changed when she met Rainbow Puff, a creature who begged for her help in protecting the happiness of Cookies everywhere from the wicked Dark Puffs. Bestowed with a magical wand, she becomes Rainbow Sugar Cookie, chasing away darkness with prisms of joyous light! RAINBOW...BEAM!

Pink Choco Cookie (Trust): The two of us would make a perfect team!

Wind Archer Cookie (Admiration): Wow...what an amazing warrior...

Sandwich Cookie (Friendly): She makes the best toast as a snack on the way to school!

Dark Enchantress Cookie (Rival): I won’t let a villain like you make other Cookies suffer!

Pomegranate Cookie (Tension): Why are you helping the Darkness?

Originally her name was Glitter Cookie, but then Shining Glitter Cookie got announced. In any case, she’d pretty much be an epic version of Wind Archer Cookie, fighting a big ‘boss’ monster once enough little ones were defeated with her magic.

Jack-o-Lantern Cookie: Trick or treat! Wait, is it Halloween already? The answer doesn’t really matter to this young Cookie, who loves trick-or-treating so much that they never take their costume off! If you don’t have Jellies to give, then get ready for a mischievous trick! But if there’s one thing they love more than getting treats, it’s sharing them with friends, so don’t be shy and join in the fun!

Candy Corn Cookie (Trust): My bestest trick-or-treating buddy!

Devil Cookie (Admiration): WOW! What a great costume!

Apple Cookie (Friendly): Here, candy apples!

Onion Cookie (Friendly): Trick o- um, please don’t cry...

Vampire Cookie (Tension): Hey, don’t fall asleep when I’m trying to trick you!

I thought I was in the clear with this OC when we got Truffle Cookie for Halloween...but then Pumpkin Cookie was an NPC later, lol. At least the name was an easy change. Their skill would basically be like a slower version of Chestnut’s, where you go up to houses and trick-or-treat.

Candy Corn Cookie: This Cookie used to be a scarecrow who stood in the middle of a big field of candy corn. However, they wanted to travel the world, so one night they wished upon a star...and miraculously, their wish was granted! Bursting with curiosity, Candy Corn Cookie is full of questions about everything they see. They still have a habit of chasing birds wherever they go, though.

Jack-o-Lantern Cookie (Trust): This ‘trick-or-treat’ thing is really fun!

Alchemist Cookie (Admiration): Wow, this Cookie knows lots of things!

Blueberry Pie Cookie (Friendly): Ooh, what’s in all these ‘book’ things?

Mocha Ray Cookie (Friendly): Cookies can really live under the sea? WOW!

Carrot Cookie (Tension): Aw, I don’t wanna go back to the farm yet!

Candy corn apparently used to be called ‘chicken feed’, so their pet would probably be a chicken. Again, not sure about the skill.

[uniformbravo]

me trying to make a gif part 2 (thrilling finale, buildup ver.)

ok good news and bad news: good news being withheld for Spoilers (not that it’s that hard to guess anyway lol), bad news explained first bc, chronologically, it is first

so yesterday i mentioned in the tags of that post that i had seen that krita has an animation feature so i was gonna try importing the frames into that and then exporting it as a gif. easier said than done, as it turns out

i started by opening the file i made yesterday with 62 layers as the frames and importing that into krita, which worked fine (i didn’t know you could actually open .psd files in clip stuido ((this typo is so fucking stupid it made me laugh so im leaving it)) and krita, so that’s pretty neat, i wonder if it works the other way around too) but i ran into problems when i tried to convert those layers into frames in an animation. because, like, the layout of the program has the layers displayed in one tab, and the animation timeline in another, like so:

(do u like how im using pictures now, i thought of that yesterday after i published the other post and realized hey, visual reference would probably make my plight a lot easier to understand!! so enjoy these educational diagrams from now on)

so my goal was to get the frames from the layers into the timeline, and i still don’t know if i did it right bc lbr krita is not very intuitive at all,,.,, i mean i watched a video tutorial abt how to animate in krita which was v helpful (it’s the one by jesse j james on yt fuckin SHout out) but it was about animating from scratch, not importing an animation you’ve already done elsewhere

so like, the way krita’s animation thing works, from what i could piece together as i bumbled my way around w/ it, is that each layer in the layers tab is a separate timeline in the,,, timeline tab

i want them all to be in the same timeline, not separate ones, and there’s no way to combine them in the timeline tab bc doing that just overwrites whatever layer you’re pasting it down onto, and also if you define the number of frames for that timeline (62 for this project) it just puts the single image of that layer for all of the frames instead of just one of them, so you’d have to go through and delete all the other frames you don’t want it to be, which would be such a fuckin pain

so i found a workaround, which is so tedious that it can’t be the right way to do it, but basically i started w/ layer 1 and defined 62 frames & then emptied frames 2-62, like this

(that blue box is the frame, btw, even tho it says 0, which actually kind of annoys me like why doesn’t it start the first frame on 1????)

from there i went up to layer two and selected that in the timeline, but for some reason the frame doesn’t show up automatically?

& i couldnt fuckin figure out how to make it into like, an Official Timeline Layer or whatever tf bc like, u see on layer 1 how theres that little lightbulb-looking icon on the right? that’s for turning on onion skin which only applies when you actually have frames with things drawn on them, so basically layer 2 in the layers tab has a drawing but in the timeline it doesn’t?

i didn’t find out what the actual reason for this is or how you’re /supposed/ to make the frame appear in the timeline, but what i did was right click on layer 2′s timeline & select “create blank frame” which magically made the frame i want appear

but it’s on top of the layer 1 frame, and i want it to be the frame after. also it’s still in a different timeline. this is the only easy fix in this whole damn process, u can literally just click & drag the frame from layer 2 to layer 1 and put it wherever u want on the timeline

and then u just delete layer 2 and that’s it, frame transferred!! then i just had to do that for 60 more layers and after [unspecified amount of time but it was a fuckin while ok] my timeline looked like this!

(the gaps near the end are held frames, to save me time so i didn’t have to copy a bunch of frames that were exactly the same)

krita is great because as far as i know ur animation can have an unlimited number of frames, at the risk of your own pc’s processing power, which is a definite upside to SOME expensive art programs i know (clip studio, i’m talking abt csp) and u can pick the frame rate too (cough photoshop elements 5.0 even tho u dont technically have an animation feature & it’s a miracle u can even make gifs at all) so once i finally got all the frames situated all nice and in order like on the same timeline, playing it was great! played at the right speed, looped perfectly, it was a dream come true right

well, time to export it as a gif

ha

haha

hoooo oo  o

so u got 2 options for exporting ur animation, u can either hit “export,” which lets u save it as different file types, one of which being gif, or you can hit “render,” which gives you gif and video options

well

i tried export first, bc that seemed like a good idea, but the “””gif””” it made was distinctly not a gif, despite its claim to be one?? this is what i got:

notice: 1. it is not moving, and 2. the black bars to the sides?? those are supposed to be transparent. they’re transparent in the file i made so why didn’t they register as transparent in the export, when gifs have transparency capabilities??

so That was some real live bullshit but i still had the “render” option, right? export was wrong, so rrender must be the correct option to go to that will produce the results i am wanting to see produced in front of me like a silver dinner platter with a correctly functioning gif under the lid, that’s what i want to see and “Render Animation...” is gonna Give me that silver platter righWRONG ok look at this shit rn ok Look

it says GIF it says it RIGHT THERE right??? right?????? then WHY

?????????????

and it also gave me all This bullshit

like did i ask?? did i fucking ask???? i already have all the individual frames why do i need even M o re i mfjgjgk

((rationally ok yea thats v useful for if ur making the animation in krita and want to export the frames to use elsewhere, but like uhhh 1. again, they’re not transparent & 2. i should have the option of saying i don’t want these??? bc *meme voice* i don’t want these)

so in the end i could find NO correct method of exporting animations as a gif in krita bc every ooption that says gif is fuckign LYING to ur face there are NO gifs in krita, aliens made the progam who looked at gifs and went “hmm i thikng this is how a gif works “ and just made jpegs instead but somehow got on the computers good side and got it to lie for them about it being a gif so thats why it says gif on the file still even tho its not a gif illimati confinr

so what is the conclusion to this? well i said there was good news too, and this is the portion where i divulge that sweet nectar (i type dthis 2 seconds ago and @ me what the fuck)

so after wasting a good 2 hours trying to figure out krita i gave up and watched some good old [youtuber name redacted bc what if it shows up in search & ppl see this dumbass post in there but it rhymes with fjackfsepticfeye] to relax into accepting my fate that i’ll never be able to upload my animations to tungle except in poor quality loopless video form, making me into a laughing stock on my own art blog, but THEN i had a stroke of genius, in my Brain

so if u read yesterday’s post u might remember that flipnote studio, the animation program i use on my ds, to animate, has the option to export files as gifs, both animated and sequential (meaning either as one fully animated gif or each individual frame separately), which is super convenient, but as i mentioned yesterday, any time i tried to open the folder with those files on my laptop, it crashed immediately

WELL today i thought “hey, how about instead of opening the folder in the sd card when it’s plugged in, how about i copy that folder from the sd card to my flash drive, and try to open it there, in case it’s the card’s hardware that’s causing the problem, not corrupted files”

so i tried that and it FUCKING WORKED THANK GOD GLORY HALLELUJAH

so now instead of spedning A THOUSAND YEARS trying and failing to force art programs to bend to my will i can just export the animations straight from my ds and drag them onto my computer Just As God Intended oh GOD im so fucking happy

here’s the gif in the end, i’m gonna post it to my art blog too but this is the Green Version bc i animate in green bc of some default settings in flipnote that i got used to, plus it makes me feel like i’m just sketching so nothing really has to be finalized so i’m comfortable while i work, and also it’s just nice ok it’s a Nice Green

(there’s a few frames at the end that are like the extra scraps from while i was working dw i got rid of those in the final version that i’m posting to my art blog later. also i added my blog url to that one too it’s aaaaaall good)

the only downside to this method is that i can’t change the canvas size to be 540px wide to fit with tumbrl s image dimensions but whatever i can just post them in a text post and fix the html to display it at its original size instead of the resizing bullshit tmurbl pulls constantly ugh. anyway it works great on desktop but it’s inevitably gonna look like shit on mobile no matter what i do *Big Ass Shrug*

anyway thats the end of my success story uhh i can’t make the like comment & subscribe joke again bc i already did that in the last post so like bye i guess thanks 4 watchign & have a great day i’ll see u in my next fvideo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYob4uDjEKI&t=0s

(^that’s my outro music)

[collectivedreamscapes-moved]

That thought that was too complicated to word earlier.

We are aware that people all respond to trauma differently. We’ve known this for some time now. We’ve told other people this a lot. Because it’s not good to compare your trauma to someone else’s trauma.

We have heard from time to time that because of processing and sensory issues, sometimes things that don’t cause trauma with NTs can cause trauma to autistics. just... because of those basic differences in how the autistic brain handles things. How true this is we’ve never looked into because we didn’t think it was something we needed to worry about.

Now... we’re kinda starting to wonder.

We been through some shit, no lie. Not even gonna try and downplay the level of shit we been through or that it started before we were even born.

For a long time we thought our father was our primary abuser. Because we could remember some of the things he’d done. We grew up thinking it was discipline. Discipline shouldn’t leave bruises behind. Especially on a seven year old.

Those are things we’ve always known, have never forgotten. Our dad beat us. Never been a question. The whole family, extended as well, knew he did. His words were he wanted his kids to fear him more than anything else in this world. Yes... he did say that, more than once.

The rest of the shit he did we didn’t learn for years.

(it always feels like cognitive dissonance that our dad abused us far more overtly and specifically and yet we hate our mother and don’t hate him. we don’t forgive what he did, but it comes down to our father loved us our mother did NOT and we could feel it even then. they both HURT us, damaged us, but the intent was very different and our dad has since TRIED to apologize. our mother NEVER has.)

For a long time... we believed our mother was the safe parent. Because she wasn’t as physically aggressive the way our father was. So it would confuse us that in journals and diaries over the years the most common phrase (other than just feeling like we don’t fucking fit anywhere) was that we hated our mother. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense. (ironically, when our mother read our diaries she was far more concerned with her nine year old daughter hating her rather than the wanting to die part, go figure.)

That was before we knew a lot of things or understood what really counts as abuse.

Over the years we have learned that in some ways, our mother was FAR more abusive. We have learned that children who grow up in abusive homes often ally to the less violent parent because of a NEED to feel there is someone they can trust.

Our mother used that. She would twist things to make us question our reality so badly. Some days we didn’t think we could trust anything we thought we remembered. She made fun of us. She belittled us.She manipulated us. She toyed with us.

My mother has always been about appearances and how the outside world perceived her family. She had this ideal image that was supposed to be projected. Very often we were the problem child who marred her perfect little vision.

Our parents had a rocky marriage at best. We would hear their fights through the floor of our bedroom. They would each use us as a sounding board for shit no kid should be dealing with, would try and sway us to their side. We were left feeling like we were always in the middle of some tug of war and we were supposed to know how to fix what was wrong, or we would have to choose a side. It sucked and left us believing we always had to take care of everyone around us.

We got good at that. Too good.

But here’s the thing. So much of before we were in middle school is piecemeal recall. What things we can recall often didn’t happen IN our home. At school. Around the neighborhood (because we used to wander a lot. so much.). It’s hard to remember things that happened at home at all through the years. We can remember the layout of the house. We could draw it right now if we wanted to. We remember we played musical rooms. We know that we would rearrange our whole room periodically. We can remember things that happened with our brother. We remember random things. We can’t directly recall most of the abusive situations. We know people hold them. We also know so far, no one cares to share them.

Here’s the thing. When we think about our mother in those years, beyond the art crap she would let us do... what we most recall are things like, her yelling at us repeatedly about changing the cat boxes because we had no concept of time and our sense of smell does NOT work like it should. We remember for every nice thing she did there were half a dozen other things we couldn’t understand why she’d do but hurt us. We couldn’t understand why something always rang false with what she would say to us. We knew she treated our siblings differently, but we didn’t know why. She was always telling people ‘that’s just how she is’ or ‘she’s in one of her moods’. She was always belittling what we felt, more worried about how the family would be perceived.

(one notable trip to the base ER for yet another fall because we were clumsy af and had numerous sprained and twisted ankles and wrists and such over the years, she commented ‘god i hope these doctors don’t think you’re being abused’ and we recall looking at her and thinking ‘god forbid someone get a clue and know the truth right?’)

we remember ending up in the ER and having to be held down by two nurses and a doctor (we assume we’d started to have seizures) to give us a shot bc our idiot mother figured we’d grown out of a penicillin allergy (that she shares and is very much an adult and still fucking had) and gave it to us anyway even when we questioned the wisdom of taking it. (the doctor made sure WE understood, not just our mother, that taking that shit could kill us.)

why are we even going over all of this? because of what happened when we woke up, that reflexive hitting our own hand and telling ourselves to ‘stop that’. because we could picture our mother doing that to us. 

(this woman would hit hard enough to bruise her own damn hand okay? she once broke her finger trying to hit the dog for wiggling too much while she was trying to unravel the chain and missed and hit my brother’s Tonka truck instead. and that was the dog. she burst blood vessels in her hand giving my brother a ‘spanking’.)

And we started to wonder... all those splits that aren’t from explicit abuse and the LARGE number of kids in our system... learning about being autistic (and yeah, the signs were SO there even as a two and three and four year old)... how much damage this woman has actually done to us.

(and this is where we have to say... we sometimes remember way more than we think we remember and at the same time so much less. like what did actually happen at home after we almost drowned in canyon lake? got not a clue.)

We used to think it was just... the extent of what we’d been through. Except... it didn’t feel right. Especially because of the Mountain Caves. And the people who stay there. Because they don’t function in a way that would lend itself to being able to take care of themselves. We used to say that all of them were... not quite right in the head. That there was some damage or deficiency in every single one of them. We have wildchild, who often has to be kept in a straight jacket to keep from clawing her face to ribbons and screams and bangs her head. she’s never talked. ever. and she doesn’t scream all the time. but it’s the only sound we’ve ever heard her make.

How many splits have we had for the sole purpose of appearing normal because whatever we were doing was unacceptable and wrong? We have a lot of nonvebal kids. We never really thought about it because we ARE multiple and we have been through some shit and trauma can do that.

We just wonder... how much of the way our system grew came from just trying to find ways to LOOK more normal. Because of our mother. How much of our system’s development was because of being autistic and having a mother who... hated us and everything about us?

And now we feel like we’re trying to say the only reason our system is so big is because of being autistic and that’s not what we’re saying. I’m not sure what we’re saying now... We’re not looking for something to blame. We’re not trying to say we weren’t abused or we were just ‘too sensitive’. That’s not what we’re saying.

I don’t know what we’re trying to say. It made sense a few minutes ago and now it’s just... confused and tied up in half a dozen other things. and it still comes down to we may never know. Trying to untangle things now is impossible. And we already knew our mother was a bitch. None of this changes anything.

Except that... if we’ve spent years, decades even, stopping ourselves from doing things a certain way because we internalized our mother’s reactions... how the hell do we stop doing it to ourselves? How do we stop telling ourselves what we’re doing is so very wrong or bad? how do we stop ourselves form feeling guilty when we give in because it fucking helps?