#every time i have to stop and ask myself why im Like This. all roads eventually lead back to my dad.

[valtsv]

my most cliche fictional character ass trait is that a lot of things about me can in fact be explained by my relationship with my father. unfortunately once you know this about me it becomes clear how much of my personality is defined by that. pathological daddy issues so horrendous they make people wonder if freud had a point actually.

[billluver0124]

"Even My Bones"

synopsis: bill falls inlove with y/n after meeting her at a gas station, a month later; after a moment of passion something is revealed about her.

WARNINGS: cannibalism, blood, makeout scene

authors note: this story is inspired by the movie 'bones and all', i immediately thought of a plot after watching the movie. but this story does get gorey, so please scroll of you are uncomfortable reading. thank you to @rottinglilys for helping me with this story<3 enjoy my lovies, mwah!

BILLS POV: it was like yesterday when i met her. i was at a gas station, my brother tom waiting in the car as i bought myself a pack of skittles and a pack of cigarettes. then there she was, the love of my life; i didnt know it then but i know it so much now. she looked different then other girls, her eyes were as big and doey as a deer, her smile was as bright as the sun. there was something unique about her, she was almost inhuman-like, but so beautiful. i caught myself watching her every move as she walked around the station..

Y/NS POV:

i walked into the gas station, using the amount of money i had left to get myself some snacks and water for the journey that was to come. "that'll be 13.74 please" the cashier told me, i gave him fifteen bucks and he gave me the remaining change, and the stuff i bought of course. i thanked him, before catching a glimpse at the boy who was staring at me the entire time; and leaving to continue my walk. (the rest of the story is now in third person !)

bill mentally slapped himself for not talking to her at the gas station, but he shook it off as he walked back to the car, continuing his drive with tom back home. "why do you look so gloomy?" tom asked, with small concern. "nothing, im just tired" bill replied, giving tom a small smile as he continued to drive him and tom.

after bill dropped tom off at his house, he now drove the route to his house. when he saw her again, walking on the road all by herself, with nothing but a backpack. "hey!" he shouted, catching her attention. "are you okay miss?" "uhh yea, im okay" she replied, not very sure about her answer "well, why are you walking alone? its late and its not safe at this hour" bill asked, concerned for her well being. y/n looked around the area, the boy was right, it did look pretty dangerous out here in the dark "w-well, d-do you think you could gimme a ride?" y/n asked, slightly nervous about her surroundings. "yea, come in" bill opened the passenger side door for her, allowing her to come in. she puts on her seat belt as they continued the drive. "you live around here?" bill asked, y/n looking at him for a small moment before answering "actually i dont, im not from here" "where were you gonna stay?" bill asked, curiousity filled his senses. "i was just gonna sleep at a bus stop" she said nonchalantly, bill turned to look at her once again, wide eyed "are you crazy? nonsense, you can stay with me at my place!" "n-no, you dont have to-" "i insist, no pretty girl like you should stay alone like that" bill immediately blushed after he realized what he called her, y/n blushing to herself as she took the compliment. after a small moment she spoke..

"im y/n" she looked to him as she spoke, bill replying soon after "im bill, its a pleasure to meet you" y/n softly smiled. sitting in a soft and peaceful silence the rest of the drive home. they finally reached his house, bill leads her inside, helping her take off her beat up sage green converse and hanging her backpack on a hanger. "you can sleep in my room if youd like, i dont mind sleeping on the couch" "no, its your house, ill sleep on the couch" y/n insisted, not willing to negotiate anything else. and thats what happened, y/n slept on the couch...for most of the night. bill wakes up to the sound of y/n panicking, he rushes out of the room and holds her in his arms "you're okay, everything's okay" he soothes her as she cried in his arms, after she calms down a bit she speaks "i-i had a nightmare.." bill softly smiled at her, even in such a panicked state; she was still so beautiful to him "do you wanna come sleep with me in my room?" "i-is that okay with you?" she asked, bill smiled even more "its more than okay with me" bill takes her to his bed, holding her in his arms as they both slept. he knows he shouldnt move this fast with her, he didn't even know her for gods sake! but something about her was so, addicting. A month goes by, bill and y/n began to know more about each other, both sharing their feelings in the process, sharing a few intimate nights with each other too. bill knew she was the one, the missing puzzle piece in his life, the filling of the void he had for so long. bill knew it was always her. and y/n felt the exact same. they loved each other.

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bill held her waist as he kissed her neck, hearing her sweet moans for him. he smirks, going back up to her lips; their tongues dancing with each other in one anothers mouths. y/n had her hands in dreads, melting in his addicting touch. "god i love you so much" bill groaned, "i love you too" y/n moans back.

then all of a sudden, y/n had this violent urge of hunger, her skin began to crawl as she drooled for bill. she needed to feed. she goes down to his neck, mumbling an 'im so sorry' before sinking her teeth in bills neck. bill yells in pain as a response.

BILLS POV: "liebe! stop, i-its me!" i cried, trying to push her off but she was too strong. i felt another wave of pure agony as i watched her dig her nails into the flesh on my chest, feeding it into her mouth, another scream of pain as my response. but after a moment, something made me accept this. it was her beauty, she was literally ripping me apart and eating me. but even with my blood all over her...still, she looked so beautiful. "i love you y/n" those were my last words, the last things i needed to say as i watched her, tear me apart piece by piece. consuming my existence, eating my entire body... even my bones. Y/NS POV: after i ate him, i snapped out of my trance and realized what i just did. i just killed...and ate the love of my life. he was my everything, my soulmate. and i just ripped him apart and consumed him so selfishly. what is wrong with me?, there was nothing but a pool of blood and his hair, his beautiful black hair with white dreads, that was the only thing i had for memory of him. i got up to go to the bathroom, catching my reflection in the mirror. i looked so disgusting, his blood was all over me, there were pieces of him stuck in my teeth. all i could do now, was cry. i felt myself falling to my knees, screaming out all my regret in cries, why did i have to be like this? and out of all people... why did it have to be bill?

[pearblossomrain]

summarizing my home country's gp for myself:

● SIGNIFICANTLY more boring than baku 😭😭

● kmag returned but we did not get terror out of the track terrorist man. horrible!

● man i don't even know what vcarb is smoking bc softs?? halfway through?? speaking of softs why'd mercedes start hamilton on softs too that's 💀💀

● holy shit are we actually losing ricciardo??? red bull owes the man flowers and a fruit basket (if they aren't giving him the seat) for keeping norris from fastest lap ngl

● massive congrats to liam lawson though cos he does deserve it after his last year's performance and they've benched him long enough but ofc it's sad for ricciardo esp for someone who's been racing for so long (minus his break)

● not great from ferrari overall but that's on their quali tbh cos the recovery from that shitshow wasn't bad really and they were smart with pitting sainz early but i believe they're incapable of having 2 good strats....

● that's another mclaren double podium but i have to say that giant chrome logo is incredibly ugly 😭

● kind of surprised verstappen kept his red bull in 2nd? maybe the rb garage finally got their shit together! or maybe not cos its a miracle perez managed to end up within the points tbh...

● honestly INSANE defending from hulkenburg someone give that man minister of defence rn i feel like he did nothing but keep cars behind him, which unlucky for leclerc cos he was behind him AND alonso which is like 2 steel walls atp.

● that colapinto bit at the start was magnificent tbh i didn't see it until later but hell yeah that's the idgaf energy i want from someone who doesn't have a seat next year!

● idk what the hell happened with albon's car and why he retired i'm gonna have to go check but damn that's unlucky...

● seriously just bad luck for leclerc all around cos his times were good and he overtook quite a few times but he was against some ministers of defence today i fear 💀

● PLS DONT STOP THE COMMUNITY SERVICE JOKES THEY'RE SENDING ME INTO ORBITTT

● no safety car?? in SINGAPORE?? im throwing tomatoes out my window in the vague direction of the marina bay circuit rn 🍅🍅

side note: it's hilarious as a sgrean to watch the gp bc these are the same roads my slow ass bus takes every week.

side note 2: welcome back britney to the commentary! also when kimi appeared i said "omg my son" and my friend asked "ollie?" and i had to be like "...no my other son" 😭

side note 3: it's like barely 18 hours after the race as i type this and i just saw them dismantle the barriers with my own 2 eyes from the double decker bus?? damn that's FAST??

[lily-alphonse]

Do you have any fandoms that you want to write for someday but haven’t? Or just a fandom you’re quietly into? ~

I'm amazed you guys like me yammering but I will never stop as long as the asks keep coming lmao. This is such a good question thank you my sweet (I will get to your ship asks asap I promise)

I am fairly nomadic when it comes to fandoms actually, if I want to write for one I do so pretty much right away. That's how Ive managed to rack up 14 fandoms in 8 months (on AO3).

That being said, I do have unposted WiPs that belong to fandoms I haven't yet written for.

ATLA: I still really want to write that Earth King fic. If it was a simple smut I would have done it already but alas the idea has become complicated (ie: long)

Pixar Cars: CARS FIC MY BELOVED IM CHOMPING AT THE BIT FOR MY CARS FIC lol ever since I started my current longfic Ive wanted to write a Doc x Lightning human AU longfic but I can only allow myself one longfic at a time or I get overwhelmed

Mario: Donkario smut. Lol. I know no one cares about it but me, but I will do it eventually (ESPECIALLY because one of my favorite Donkario bookmarks got deleted??!?!!?! Yall dont delete your fics I beg 😭)

Finding Nemo: (Yeah more Pixar but I imagine the fandoms are pretty separate idk) Another human AU where I pair the sexy old mentor with the young guy (age gap yaoi my beloved) But it's also a gang AU!

The Road to El Dorado: I thought about this one recently, I don't actually have any plan whatsoever but MY GOD do I NEED to write for this movie. It is literally so primed for shipping every which way it's insane. Why is everyone so hot? Why is this movie so incredibly bisexual?

Literally all of these are smuts which is great because my account is now way more full of T-rated fics than I ever intended lol. Pretty much just me going back through my childhood favorites and sexualizing everything. That's what becoming an adult is right? Idk no one's taught me.

Thanks again for the ask! ♥️♥️ If anyone has questions about any of these my asks are open

[acebytaemin]

ooooo personally I would love to know which songs you think are skz's best songs 👀 (if you want to share of course 💕)

HI raf first of all MWAH💖 you’re always thee sweetest tysm for asking & sorry it’s taken me a little bit of time but im here and READY. now this could take me as much time as i allow myself to type as i am quite the enjoyer of skz music (idk if you’ve noticed 🙈) so i decided to go for a reasonable number of 10 random faves (with commentary because well. it’s me) in signature ana proust style novel form with no real order bc that would be agony and they have TOO many damn songs. under the cut because well. you’ll see why.

any (balkan KINGS that song is on my blog at least 20 times i wish i was joking. GOES STEWPIDDDD. the rest of the songs aren’t really in order but any and ttath share number one FIRMLY)

ttath (experimental skzies is skzies at their best and i will always stand by that. when lino jokingly called this his fav skzies song i was both delighted and ready to fight (making mockery out of MY girl.. preposterous))

cover me (had NO idea hyunjin (producer) had ALL THAT in him. it’s ostensibly hard to make me love a ballad but this one’s in my top 5 skz songs it goes absolutely STUPID. the bridge/last chorus seungmin -> chan -> lino run is earth shattering)

FNF (imagine me leaving the ‘im crying in the club’ comment that had kibum going ‘you’re in the club?’ bangchan give me another club banger im holding you at gunpoint.)

on that note. GOING DUMBBBBBB i need your successor right now. i want you i love you. you’re my girl forever. gunpoint point stands.

DLMLU (SO many people weren’t that impressed and that makes me lose my mind. this is my favorite genre of song. makes me feel something incrementally similar to the emotions become undone by shinee invokes which speaks for itself more than any words i could ever say)

i hate to admit (IF IT HAS ONE MILLION FANS I AM ONE OF THEM IF IT HAS ONE HUNDRED FANS I AM ONE OF THEM IF ITS ONE FAN ITS ME IF THERE’S NO ONE I AM DEAD‼️ im telling you i NEED a mashup of chan’s current solos x this to produce the silk shirt rnb desperate begging hey lover by boyz II men & ll cool j chan track of my dreams. or at LEAST give me rehab by rihanna. SOMETHING anything.)

every 3racha song but let’s talk about ZONE right now (monumental. abysmal. han opens it all politely cutely then changes the flow to more dark then gets rude with it (switching up his flow is his specialty to me he’s so good at it and this song is a perfect showcase of that) and the chorus is good fun and all but when SEO CHANGBIN goes IN. that dude is out of his mind that’s all im saying lest we stay here all night)

phobia (IM STUCK WITH A PHOBIA !!! same genre as dlmlu in my sick and twisted mind bc they’re both absolutely desperate with it. different styles but same raw emotion. Obsessed. headbanging as we speak.)

STOP/road not taken (MMMOOOOREEEEEE of this. i do have a bit of a bone to pick w most of their earlier stuff in view of production but when they got it they GOTTTT ITTTTT)

and this is track 11 actually but who’s counting. can i talk about hanji for a second? let me talk about hanji for a second. VOLCANO i had no idea about that song until like a month ago LMAO and it’s been on my mind all the time. the lyrics bring me to my knees and i absolutely love his flow i think he’s my fav skz rapper actually. he has such a special way of expressing emotion and i know he loves to play w autotune but i just can’t help but wish there were less effects on his voice just to Feel it more but we’ll get there someday. absolutely gorgeous is my point.

[raven-178]

Part 1

We both needed to get out of the house, just go out on our very own adventure. So we take a drive, no particular destination in mind other than getting out of the city and into nature. As you drive, I flip through the music, until finally settling on something. Rural countryside seems to fly by when I look at the window. It’s a beautiful day, but you know that I can’t sit still for long… I start to get restless…and the more I get restless the hornier I get. Because I have all sorts of images going through my mind. After awhile I can’t take it, so I put my hand on your thigh, testing the waters. I shyly look over at you. You don’t push off my hand nor tell me not too, so I start slowly inching my hand up closer and closer. Finally my hand gently touches your bulge through your pants, you start to get hard underneath my hand. You give me a look that says “You vixen, I’ll get you back later”. But you don’t say no… so I keep going, I pull your pants down enough to free your cock. My hand wraps around it and starts stroking you. You grip the driving wheel a little harder as I continue. I’m so mesmerized with how perfect your cock looks and how it feels in my hand. I make sure to alternate my speeds, going from tantalizingly slow to fast strokes. I love hearing your moans and grunts, each and every one makes me bite my lip and get soak my panties even more. Soon you can’t take it anymore, “Please, fuckkk let me cum” you ask me. I let go of your throbbing cock to quickly pull up my hair into a bun. The country road is not busy so no one will notice what I am doing. I maneuver myself so that I can wrap my lips around your cock. Licking, sucking, and moaning all around you. My mouth feels so good around your sensitive cock you can’t help but thrust your hips up slightly making me take your cock even deeper in my mouth. Soon it’s all too much and you spit out a curse, moaning as you cum. I take every drop, not wasting it. I look up to you while I place a gentle kiss on your tip. You are so sensitive and riled up. You start to pull over somewhere remote, I perk up at this and ask why we are stopping. You give me a look and say “You are going in that back seat and im going to make sure every inch of your skin feels my touch”. I start to gaze off letting my imagination take over but then you say a simple “Well, what’s it going to be sweetheart?” That gets me moving, I climb into the back seat and start to undress. You find a nice shady spot to park, watching me through the rear view mirror, smirking. Now it’s your time for make me a mess…..

And no, I’ll never regret teasing you like that, I know exactly how you’ll pay me back for it….a night long full of pleasure that starts now.

(Part 2 coming soon 😉)

[borderline-culture-is]

Vent, TW Suicidal ideation, Self harm, ED mention....idk what else //

BPD culture is waNTING TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER FUCKIN TAKEN SERIOUSLY

Even your own mother who deals with similar shit DOESN'T FUCKING BELIEVE ME AND THINKS IM A SPOILED FUCKING BRAT

WHAT DID I DO WRONG?? HM?? WHAT DID I DO WRONG??

now it's to the fucking point where my sister thinks it's fun and quirky to tell every fucking kid she meets "oh I love being sad and depressed!!" AND I FUCKING HATE IT. SHE KNOWS BETTER. SHE FUCKING KNOWS BETTER.

I've explained it to her, my mother has explained it to her, SHE'S SEEN MY MOM GET SO SUICIDAL AND FUCKIN LOSE HERSELF BECAUSE OF IT. BUT YEAH, NO, ITS FUN TO BE DEPRESSED. ITS NOT LIKE IT MAKES EVERYONES LIFE A LIVING FUCKING HELL!!!

I dont

I don't fucking care if she's 8. I don't fucking care. I KNEW BETTER AT 8. I FUCKING KNEW BETTER. I KNEW BETTER THAN TO TELL PEOPLE TO KILL THEMSELVES TOO.

And now because my mom is SO keen on forcing us to be those stupid fucking ultra close siblings, my mom gave her MY favourite artist to listen to. THEY'RE MY FAVE ARTIST. I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE ELSE LISTENS TO THEM BUT THIS KID???? IT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF.

They saved my life, they speak out about mental health, I'VE SPOKEN TO THEM AND THEY'RE SOME OF THE SWEETEST PEOPLE EVER. SHES FUCKING RUINING THE ONE THING I HAD, AND MY MOM KEEPS GIVING HER MORE OF MY MUSIC AND NOW MORE OF IT IS GETTING RUINED!!!!! I WANT TO CLAW MY FUCKING TATTOO OFF NOW BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT

I do not

Fucking lay in bed crying and having panic attacks, HAVING NIGHTMARES DAY AFTER FUCKING DAY BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH AND IS ALWAYS MADE OUT TO BE MADE INTO A FUCKING JOKE.

I HATE THIS FUCKING KID. I HATE THIS FUCKING FAMILY SO MUCH. SHE KEEPS FUCKING SINGING CITIZEN SOLDIER SONGS AND BRAGGING ABOUT BEING DEPRESSED BUT HAS DONE EVERYTHING SHE FUCKING CAN TO RUIN MY LIFE

"oh, but she's just a kid-" SHE ADMITS IT. SHE ADMITS IT ALL THE TIME TO ME. SHE'S TOLD ME TO KILL MYSELF AND CONFIRMED THAT SHE KNEW WHAT IT MEANT. SHE TELLS ME SHE HATES ME. SHE TELLS ME SHE LIES TO GET ME YELLED AT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME CRY. SHE'LL SIT HERE AND WATCH ME FUCKING BREAK DOWN AND FUCKING INSTIGATE SHIT. WHEN I FINALLY CRACKED AND TOLD MY MOM I WAS SUICIDAL, SHE FUCKING CHIMED IN TO START BULLYING ME TO THE POINT MY MOM HAD TO SHUT HER DOWN!!!!

one day

I'm gonna fucking leave.

I'm gonna fucking leave this house and go lay in the middle of the fucking road in the dead of night so that I can get fucking ran over and die

I cant

Keep living like this

I fucking can't, I keep fucking trying but I fucking can't. Why do I do everything possible to take care of everyone, to the point that on MY birthday, on the ONE DAY A YEAR THATS FOR ME, I HAD TO TALK MY MOM OUT OF SUICIDE. I WAS THE ONE BEING YELLED AT. I HAD TO GET A GROWN ASS WOMAN TO STOP ASKING ME FOR A KNIFE SO SHE COULD KILL HERSELF IN FRONT OF ME. I WAS THE ONE THAT MY SISTER GLARED AT WITH HATRED WHEN I TRIED TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION. I WAS THE ONE MY DAD YELLED AT BECAUSE HE WAS MAD AT MY MOM FOR LEAVING. BUT NO. I'M THE FUCK UP.

God I think I gave myself a concussion, it hurts. It hurts so bad and I need to throw up. And what's worse? This fucking kid watched me beat my head in and I heard her just...make such a disgusted noise and go back to telling her friends on fortnite that she's so depressed and bragging about it and saying it's SO fun...

My bulimia has already come back, and y'know what. Fuck it. I'm done. I'm fucking done trying to hide everything so that THEY'RE happy. So that THEY don't get their panties in a twist over me fucking struggling. If I get the urge to purge, I'll fucking purge. If I get the urge to fucking cut my thighs open, then so fucking be it. I'm done. I'm fucking done. "You need to put yourself first!" I FUCKING TRIED. YOU GOT MAD AT ME. YOU YELLED AT ME. YOU YELLED AT AND BERATED ME, SO WHY SHOULD I CARE??? HUH?? TELL ME??

I'm tired. I don't. Have people to talk to. No one to fucking help me, and I can't blame them. My best friend has bigger things to worry about other than me being a fucking baby. I abandoned the few other people I still talked to because I couldn't handle it anymore. The one server that I was finally feeling safe enough to talk in might be shut down soon because it's stressing the band out from issues that keep happening. I'm fucking. Alone. And I'm tired.

I have until October. After that, Idk. We'll see. But October is so....so far away. It's gonna be hard. Idk if I can do it but I'll try I guess.

- 🪡🎶

.

[seriesxwriting]

Everything I ever wanted

Pairing- y/n and Theo raeken

Series- teen wolf

Warnings- kissing, obviously swearing😭, use of guns, pov fear of hights, talks of killing.

Summary- you get paired up with Theo, cleverly planned out by scott. And that wouldn’t be a problem if only Theo was an ugly toad. But he isn’t. And to add to the problems, you both get ambushed on your mission…

____________________🫶_____________________

“Finally, y/n and Theo will to to the hospital” Scott explained pairing the pack up for equally difficult and unsafe jobs! “What- me and Theo are you serious?” i stuttered slumping even further in the chair, if it was even possible.

“you need to sort out your differences” Scott shrugged with no attention.

The pack split up in to there assigned groups leaving the house putting on there bravest faces for the mission ahead. The hunters were still out there lurking, just waiting to kill us all. “Scott wait- can we swap” I asked low, while awkwardly Liam waited for his pair outside the house.

“like I said, sort out your differences” “but...” “come on princess, the sooner it’s done- you get it” theo interrupted shrugging. Allowing Scott to escape with Liam. Leaving me with no choice.

“I’m not dying for you so stick to your self” my eyes scanned him harshly before I coldly turned on my heels.

Theo was everything I ever wanted in a guy he was hot, strong, protective, funny and a little bit broken which was okay for me. And I was having the hardest time hiding that... every time he calls me princess my knees go weak and when Theo gets close I get nervous so nervous my hands get sweaty. My acting skills weren’t the best and I didn’t know how long I could keep up the act of hating his guts.

Sometimes I felt bad for the way I ignored him, but i couldn’t get hurt. I couldn’t show my feelings and get knocked down.

As long as I could get through tonight with out one of us dying I would be fine. “Y/n!” “W-what” my eyes blinked bringing me back to reality. “you were day dreaming I called your name three times- not scared are you?” Theo’s eyes had that joking look in them when I looked up in to the mirror. “no...just keep your eyes on the road grandma” my sarcasm kicked in. No my defence kicked in, and my head met the window for the rest of the journey.

“We should start from the top down, then we can use hight against them bastards if they show” he looked over at me but I was spaced out yet again. “You sure your okay?” Theo questioned genuinely looking worried while he parked his ridiculously hot car in the parking lot. It felt weird. The car park was empty it was never empty, I pushed open the door stepping out in my boots and staring in to the darkness.

“y/n I’m talking to you” theo sighed coming around “im worried” my body leaned against the car while our eyes met in the middle “that’s okay you don’t need to be strong all the time” he exclaimed smirking a bit. All I wanted to do was grab his face and kiss him. but i couldn’t.

“Whatever I’m taking charge here” “what ever you want princess” theo trailed after me with his hand up in defence. “I’ve told you to stop calling me that! Multiple times” I hissed weakly reaching the doors of the hospital. Automatically they opened, welcoming us in to hell. “why’s it so quite” I whispered dropping to a stance while we walked around the lobby. “next floor” theo pointed out pulling at my hand silently. My eyes lingered on our linked hands but when Theo saw me staring he pulled quickly away.

The chimaera stopped between the lift and the stairs not sure where to go, scoffing and calling him an amateur I tip toed up the stairs.

Walking up like an amateur myself guns fired out of nowhere. My heart stopped and I froze in panic. Or shock?

Theo, who had already saw the whole thing coming spun me around a wall for cover my body slamming again the stone and his pressing into mine. I could feel his abs through the thin T-shirt while he stayed there for a second our eyes caught one another’s. mine still in shock but his beautiful green eyes showed relief. I couldn’t think what for thought.

“We have to get to that room” he whispered over the gun fire, seriously. I nodded taking his hand this time and bolting it through the gun fire around the next corner. For now we were safe. Ish.

We were stuck in a hospital room with the hunters just outside the door. “How many did you see” “too many to fight” theo told me quietly.

“I’m so so sorry” I whispered leaning my head on his chest. “what- why” theo answered confused with my confession. “I got you in to this, you were right we should have gone in from the top” i exhaled thinking about how we were going to get out of this mess.

Finally pulling away from me theo nodded for my help to barricade the door. We moved a bookcases and some tall metal thing I didn’t even know the names of. But when we were eventually done theo took my hand with both of his staring into my eyes.

“I don’t think this is your fault! and I’m going to do what ever it takes to make sure you get out of here alive” his voice was soft and his neck was bent down to my level so I knew he was being serious. “we both get out theo, or none of us do” I told him almost in tears. His eyes flicked to my lips and I took that as a hint to make them meet his. It was only for a few seconds. It was sweet not how I imagined kissing Theo raeken, but then again it was everything I’d ever wanted.

“What was that for?” He smiled rubbing my hand with his thumb. “Just being you Theo…”

The door slightly banged like people were barging in to it. “We can talk about this later” I gulped staring at the door. “Okay we need to get out of this room first” he deeply thought. I felt automatically cold when Theo dropped my hands to check the windows. They opened, wide. “I have a plan but I’m not sure you will like it” he pulled himself back in from looking down at the ground.

Theo’s expression looked like he was joking again like, he was finding it amusing or was going to make a joke about jumping? “I’m not jumping- this is not funny” “what- no there’s a pipe we’re going climb it to the top” “oh” i exhaled replying flatly. “You go first” theo stepped out the way “what so I can fall to my death” “no! Jeez, so if they get in your safe” theo rolled his eyes slightly annoyed. “Im- sorry” I sighed getting close to him again.

“This isn’t easy for me” I told him truthfully. “What isn’t easy y/n?” He asked holding my face softly. As I opened my mouth the guns started shooting at the door “no time for an explanation! Go and if I say break the pole you break it okay!”. I shook my head at him.

“Okay!” Theo asked again looking down at me. His eyes were glistening. “no” I told him firmly. He sighed but still helped me out the window and stupidly I looked down. “Holy fuck” I whispered.

“not scared of heights are you” Theo giggled. ignoring the comment I reached for the pole I wasn’t sure if it was sturdy so I shook first. It was fine. Briskly, I climbed up and Theo soon came behind me the window closed behind us like we had disappeared. Stupidly I hugged him letting my guard down again. I wanted it down now, sort of. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you y/n” he whispered kissing the top of my head.

“Why not? I’m awful to you sometimes- I ignore you, I’m blunt, I ran you into immediate danger, I…” and with that, theo kissed me again. Probably to shut me the fuck up but… It was still a kiss. “Because I really fucking like you! And I don’t care what you say to me I’m going to keep trying because I’ve never felt like this about anyone- I’m serious about you y/n” Theo confessed not pulling away from my body once.

“I’ve been trying to tell you I like you! but we keep getting disturbed” I blurted out unable to keep it in any longer. “I can’t act anymore Theo” I breathed out. “You don’t have to princess, I’m all yours” he told me rubbing my cheek. I half laughed and hugged him again. “That’s everything I ever wanted to hear” I whispered holding him tightly.

“But! We need to Scott, tell them that the hunters are here and we need backup”

“Backup?- I’m sure there all gonna be dead by the time the pack is here” a hit of excitement flashed in Theo’s eyes. Mine matched his and Theo took hold of my hand again. We ran to the door preparing for the fight, but this time it was different. I really had something to fight for now.

____________________🫶_____________________

[oldsoul007]

late night drives

with Steve

word count: 880

I rarely sleep anymore, because every time I close my eyes I see that monster. I was writing my paper for history when I started to hear the sound of distant tapping. I whip my head around to look at my window, nothing. I’m probably imagining it, so I decide to ignore it but it’s getting repetitive.

I stand up and wake over to my window moving the curtains to the side. “Oh what the hell” I say under my breath. It was Steve Harrington, my best friend since elementary, and the boy who was traumatized with me from the upside down world. I open my window, leaning my head out. “Steve, what are you doing here?” I whisper yelling, not wanting to wake my brother up in the next room.

He smirks, throwing the pebbles to the side that he was obnoxiously throwing at my window. “What? I’m not allowed to see my best friend?” “I mean yeah but it’s the middle of the night.” “yes but you’re awake too, now get your ass down here” I roll my eyes and start to climb out my window.

We were driving through our dead town listening to the low radio when I turn and look at him, he looks so worried. “Steve, how’d you even know I was awake?” “Well your light was on and I was betting that you’re having the same nightmares as me?” “Will they ever stop?”

We continued to drive in comfortable silence. “Do you wanna go to my spot?” “Sorry but I don’t think I feel like seeing where you take all your hookups.” “I’ve never taken anyone here” “so. then why me?” “Why not, I mean I usually just go there by myself to clear my head but I’ve been meaning to show you” “where are you taking me then?” “You’ll see” he softly smiles, focusing on the road.

Once we make it to Steve’s spot he runs to my side to open the door presenting it with one arm. “Ta da” I hop out of the car to look out on the hill that settles over our little hell hole of a town. “Woah” “I know” Steve says as pulling my down to sit next to him on the grass. “How’d you fine this place?” I ask. “Um well I drive a lot to clear my head so I just kept driving and found it.”

I slightly smile looking at him. “Don’t look at me like that y/n” “like what” “like you always do” “Steve what do im allowed to looks at you now” “not like that, like you see right through me” I roll my eyes playfully having no idea what he’s talking about. “You’re an idiot, Harrington” I realize Hawkins is actually kind of pretty from up here.

I could sit here in silence with him for hours listening to crickets. I pull my knees close to my chest, staring at the town I knew too well. “So why me, why show me your spot?” “Well you’re my best friend y/n” “wow Steve Harrington said im his best friend” I joke.

“I love you y/n” “love ya too Stevie” “no. Y/n I mean im in love with you” I feel a too, familiar feeling rush over me. “Don’t say shit you don’t mean Steve” I sat standing up. “Why would I not mean that?” He says, following after me. “because why?” “Why? Why, y/n? Because it’s you it’s always been you! I’ve always loved you but I finally came to my senses and stopped ignoring my true feelings for you, you’re all I have!” “You really mean that?” He nods, shrugging.

“I’m in love with you too” I smile. “Does this mean I can kiss you now?” “Of course” I feel him place his hand on my check looking at me with his stupid puppy dog eyes. “Oh come on Steve” I say pulling him by his collar kissing him. He wraps a hand around my waist pulling me closer to deepen the kiss. I feel his smile against the kiss before we break away to catch our breaths. “You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that” he chuckles. I turn my head and see the sun start peeking up. “You have to take me home now Steve.”

Once we pull up to my house I turn to Steve to him already staring at me. “Alright stalker I have to go inside now” he leans into kiss me for the millionth time tonight. A soft delicate kiss this time like he was savoring it. He intertwined his finger with mine and then asks. “Can I take you on a date, a real date?” “Well how could I say no to that” I laugh, into him. “So I’m taking that as a yes?” “Yes, of course I’ll go on a date with you Steve, a real one.”

I hop through my window to see Dustin sitting at my desk “where the hell have you been?” I roll my eyes. “Just with Steve” “oh ew don’t tell me you guys were making out” “ ugh Dustin can you just leave me alone weirdo” “ ok ok fine but don’t tell me I didn’t call it” he says walking out my door. I fall onto my bed feeling myself drift to a sleep where I could actually dream and not see monsters as I close my eyes.

[voidwritesstuff]

The Stars have names.

(Part 1) A/N: this is a proof of concept for an original series of mine.Originally it was going to be a youtube series, but after writing this im not sure if thats the format i want to go with. Anyway,ill post this here and be done with breaking the immersion (if everything goes well, I'll post the other parts) Cw:abusive household, abusive parents, cults,body horror,religious imagery and pregnancy imagery.

>reblogs appreciated and encouraged.

I don't know if posting this here is a good idea, but I've realized I'm only putting people in more danger if I keep this to myself. My name isn't important,I know I’ll join them eventually, and by then I will have lost my sense of self. But let's get the main bits of information on the table. I’ve known my friend Orion for most of my life, he is originally from the town of Cometa, to this day he’s never told me where this town is,but I get the feeling I'll find out soon enough. 

That should've been the first red flag. One I never recognized until recently.

The second red flag was a little more subtle. He's always been enthusiastic about sharing his knowledge of space,it was his special interest and I always listened because I wanted to be a good friend. It was the way he spoke about it though,there was a casual, almost personal tone to the way he talked about stars, but especially about the planets.

“I know you’ll think it's silly, but they have real names. Not the ones we gave them, Venus,mars,saturn…It's hard to explain,My mom’s better at it but she isn't allowed to talk about it”

When I asked why she wasn't allowed to talk about it, Orion would shrug and say it was “grown up stuff” and he stopped mentioning it as we grew older.I didn't notice it when we were teenagers, I thought he had “grown out” of it somehow.

How wrong i was. How so very wrong I was.

I was supposed to go to Cometa town next summer, Orion was spending the holidays with me and my family, and before he left he had given me one of many manuscripts from the church his town has. I told him I wasn't interested in religion,but he begged me to read them, and I wanted to be a good friend- He's heard me ramble about every single character I found hot many times throughout our friendship,so I figured I could give in and read it.

After all, it's just religious text, isn't it? I remember sitting down one morning,we were snowed in and the sky was dark- I’ve never seen clouds so thick… And yet somehow one single ray of sunlight spilt into my room. It was unusually warm when I extended my hand towards it, and just as I was about to begin reading the lights went out.

Didn't think too much of it, it snowed like crazy, so there I went to sit on the sunny spot in my room for some proper light. The shadows seemed so much darker then, but I just took it as my eyes getting used to the ridiculous amount of light I was being exposed to. 

Isn't it crazy how much we deny odd things that happen to us? The text started as any religious text often does,with a long shpeel of poetic words, but then it turned into a journal. There are no dates, so god only knows when this happened-But it does seem quite modern for…Well you’ll see. I’ve also gone and added numbers to each part, it was hard when I first read it- and hey if you're going to go down a spiral of madness then at least I'll leave some road signs,I'm on my way out anyway. Consider this red flag number three, and your one and only warning to stop.

“ 

Church of Santa Madre de Luz Divina

Tale of Mother Sun. 

The stars have names

Not ones that mortals can utter.

Not in any language that you may speak or invent.

For these gods,us your makers, speak in tongues of divine creation,

destruction, light and darkness, that which lies beyond your minds

Broken from the ties of the planets that birthed us.

You behold my light,the one of your mother.

Of the supernova that gave birth to humans.And may the Harvester, though forgotten in time, 

come to reap your souls.

Only then shall you know the names of your gods. 

It may not look like it

But we have a plan for you.

[Entry 1] I had that dream again. I was floating in darkness for hours,days,millenia…There was nothing around me- I knew there wasn't anything for miles and miles. And then…light. Blinding light,searing heat that oddly enough didn't hurt my skin.

 I could only see things zooming past me, I could feel eons going by in the blink of an eye.

The darkness wasn't empty anymore,there were thousands upon thousands of little lights.I realized then, i was in space. But I didn't feel cold, I didn't lack oxygen. 

In a way, i breathed with the universe. I could feel the pulse of supernovas, of black holes eating and eating the darkness and turning it into,or taking it into, something I couldn't comprehend or fathom to.

Frozen in time, I couldn't move back or forth, to and fro, I simply floated and watched the existence around me begin to circle me. 

Yet it wasnt me,not me specifically. I turned to look behind me, because before me there was nothing- Like a sunflower bending to the light above.

And i woke up. 

The therapist said moving would help,that Cometa Town was perfect for someone like me. I want to trust Dawn’s word, she lived there most of her life before moving to Argentina. I guess she outgrew that town,i can relate to that

 Dawn had also said that these dreams meant that I was too stressed, feeling like the world was coming undone around me. And she wasn't wrong, after that fight with my dad i couldn't stand being around him. Piece of shit.I don't understand why my mom still thinks I should make up with him. I don't understand how she can still forgive him even after everything, he threw eggs at our door,he had threatened to beat up his parents,my grandparents, and back when they were still together he would argue with her until she couldn't stomach it anymore and puke.

I don't want to end up like her, compelled to forgive and live beside someone who has sucked away all life from me just because I seek acceptance.

Mom promised that Cometa town is nice,and i trust her word,or i try to- But i know she wouldn't’ve moved so far away,countries away, if this town did not speak spanish,she never puts in the effort to do something difficult.

Lord knows there are days where she makes me feel like a burden,every time i talk to her it feels like she’s ignoring me. All the praise I get usually are just one worded responses,an adjective she throws at me without looking up from her phone…

And as much as I try to hate her,I can't. In a way she’s still my mother, I spent months in her stomach,growing. It makes me wonder if I had not been born a month before I was supposed to,would she pay attention to me? Of course it’s a silly claim,but almost after twenty years of being left aside, I’m starting to grasp at straws.

I guess Dawn was right,I need to get some fresh air-I doubt i’ll get a break anyway, i still don't have enough money to move away. Still, here I go. Goodbye Argentina,Hello Cometa.

[Entry 2]

I fell asleep on the plane,no dreams, only peaceful rest… But I have to admit that it felt odd,like a part of me was missing. I felt so cold when I woke up,I usually feel cozy. Maybe it's just the AC of the plane…

Either way,I called dibs on the seat next to the window. I can see the clouds. It gives me vertigo, but in a fun way-Like I could be flying through the clouds like i was the sun… That image gave me peace, hope. It makes me excited to get to my new home,hang up all my posters and paraphernalia. 

I may even find a group of people to play D&D with on the weekends…

Maybe this extreme move is going to help.

[Entry 3] Cometa town is so pretty, gardens and gardens of flowers,there are parks with weekly fairs! It's good to know mom will have a place to sell her clothes, and I won't go hungry. I understand now why the therapist recommended this place- Aside from having a university of arts (with a career in film, How lucky!) And it has a cool name too: “Cosmos University of the Arts”.

 i will miss Dawn though- maybe i can find a replacement here? I don't know if it'll be the same…fingers crossed? Oh! and The sunset here was just as beautiful too, i can actually see the stars here. I begged my mom to eat dinner outside by the sunflower garden we have and she accepted. No TV,no background sound,just me and her…it's nice.

It would be nicer if she didn't call me by my deadname,though. I’ve told her plenty of times I go by Nova now, but hey- she still doesn't believe im bi,let alone accept I change my pronouns often, so maybe i'm just asking her for the wrong things.

But a new home,a new place, the same old sky… Maybe I should keep that in mind instead.

[Entry 4] Well, the dream came back.

But it's longer now, different. 

I saw that same darkness, that same explosion of light, but now when I turned I saw the sun (I expected it,it's the only thing that made sense). I expected the light to burn my eyes, but it didn't. Dream logic? I don't know.

Aside from actually being able to see what's behind me,I noticed something there, growing. Like a seed, looking for something,writhing. The sun was only a shell for whatever was growing in there. Yknow what it reminded me of? A baby, growing in the womb of her mother,kicking and feeling out the warm home she finds herself in. There was no better place for her, I was sure of it, I could almost picture what she looked like. 

Body made of divine light, elegant hands that have the opportunity to create,to destroy, I dare say even…artistic. The art of bringing beautiful things to life, the willpower to destroy the imperfections,the mistakes, even if it means throwing out a whole art piece and start from scratch

She's adorned with pure gold that glimmers like endless stars, clothes made of the softest fabrics the world could offer.

Yet..i couldn't see her face, it was either hidden from view or just consuming my whole range of sight. 

massive, she was massive, and i was about the size of a vein.

I saw her,whatever she was, take me in her hands and lay me to rest on her chest. I beat her heartbeat, I ate of her blood…it gave me such a rush. I felt..unstoppable, I felt myself breaking out of the shell I forced myself into just so I wouldn't get into trouble,that I would not be hit with my mother’s glare of disappointment that I don't fit her standards for “Being born a woman”.

When I woke up I felt…dizzy, I felt something churning in my stomach,my forehead felt too warm and it throbbed in a way that made me light headed,the sunlight that was falling on my face had this sparkle to it. 

Mom came over to ask me if I was alright,it was probably around mid-day when I woke up,which meant that lunch would be done soon and that she was waiting for me. I told her I felt ill and I wondered what had I eaten the night before for me to feel like my body was organizing a mutiny against me. And then I turned to my nightstand, saw my sketchbook opened and stained with chocolate from the wrapper I had tossed on it carelessly the night before.

. . . I need to stop eating sweets before going to bed.

[entry 5]

The dream’s been on my mind as of late, so I've tried to push it to the side by signing up for Cometa town’s university. I thought the bureaucracy was going to be endless,thankfully it wasn't- It was quite easy honestly, just asked for my personal data like name,birth date, ID and the like, it even had a “Preferred name” box i could fill up- It made me happy to know i wouldn't have to use my deadname. 

Aside from that I've tried to distract myself by walking around the town, it has a very low crime rate so my mom’s not worried about letting me wander off. It's a nice change from the constant fear of being robbed i had back in Argentina, doesn't mean I don't miss my home though. I miss it terribly,but there's not much I can do but to wait for winter break to visit them again (well,it's winter break for the town- back home it's a ripe,ripe summer. I'll be cooking my ass off while the town lives it up in the snow,lucky)

But back to the walk i took, i wrote down a few places i’d like to visit next time The mall (obviously, it has a bunch of stores,fast food restaurants and even an observatory- I’d say it's a weird addition to the mall but i don't complain, i really like seeing the stars), Also the parks it has to offer, the town center and the one thing that caught my attention  the most was this church- I wouldn't know the exact architecture style, but its grand,well decorated and so,so tall and old. I think I saw a telescope peeking out from one of the windows in the main tower. 

Hopefully I can visit it soon? Maybe tomorrow will be fun. 

[entry 6] After lunch I went to the church, the place was mostly empty (i figured, i mean i did go right after i finished eating lunch) and honestly it made it all the more personal. Hell,even the priest wasn't there roaming around and doing whatever priests do.

But I did meet someone there, they had male features, a chiseled face, olive eyes and pretty reddish brown skin. They were dressed in goth clothes (and fashionably so) so it didn't surprise me to see them at the church.

 And in my ogling I noticed their jacket was packed full of patches, I could see the one on the right side of his arm, it read “Still a planet” With an embroidered image of Pluto. I couldn't help but snicker at it They introduced themself as Callum,they looked at me like I was some sort of long lost friend  and asked me if I was new around town. I told them that I was and that I had moved in just a few days ago. I could notice the slight hispanic accent in their voice and I asked them if they spoke any Spanish, they said yes and we got to talking in my mother tongue. 

It made me happy to know they liked my vest, I couldn't help but think that a punk and a goth went hand in hand. Both appeal to the darker side of the world, for them it was the macabre,the things that go bump in the night. And for me, it was all about how the system was always against you,how the world seems to orchestrate in a way that no matter what you do, you’ll always be on the wrong side of things. Damned if you do,damned if you don’t.

Callum was fun to talk to,I appreciated that since I haven't been able to meet my neighbors yet. I mean I just got here,but I wish I had someone else to talk to that isn’t my mom or includes me sending a text to my friends back in Argentina. 

Here's one of the conversations I had with my new “Acquaintance”  (translated from english to spanish to keep my privacy. wouldn't be surprised if i left it open some day and my mom reads it out of curiosity):

“So..Why visit the church of all places?” they had asked me as we entered the large cathedral

“Well just getting to see the town really, but i saw it and i knew i had to enter and at least take a peek- I like making art, and i was hoping to draw some of the things around the place” “You make art? that's cool” They smiled with this child-like excitement “I make murals, i go to the university here” “Dude no way,I signed up for the studies in film career!”

“Then we’ll see each other more often, that's good” We introduced each other properly then, they told me about their family and I told them why i moved away- I skipped a few details because i couldn't exactly just drop the fact that i had to move because my father was a manipulative piece of shit. 

When we got to the altar section, I hadn't noticed until then that the Vitraux behind the pedestal were not of God or Jesus, instead they were of these massive beings of cosmic light. 

And right in front of me was her.

Being of divine light, hands extended towards me, holding the world in their palms, her face got lost in the bright burst of light portrayed on the glass. Shades of red,orange and yellow spilled across my face and in my half blinded state I could swear I saw bright eyes staring back at me. It made me jump back out of reflex, i blinked the light away and turned to see if Callum had seen me embarrass myself like that- 

But they weren't. 

They were staring at another vitraux, a being of pure darkness and ice, candles of blue flame serving as shoulder pieces with their melted wax with gold jewelry over its shroud. And in the center of their chest,like a ribcage, stood the alchemical symbol for Pluto. Underneath it was a simple plaque that read “The Harvester” It gave me the idea to see the plaque beside it, “Father moon”. Above it stood a vitraux of a male figure with a shawl of stars, a crown of night and time on his bursting face of moonlight. He was holding his hands close to his chest where the alchemical symbol for the moon stood carved in pale gray as he grasped an old sun clock.

Out of curiosity I looked back at the one in front of me, I could still see The Harvester and Father Moon in the corner of my left eye. The plaque underneath the divine lady of sunlight read “Mother Sun”

“You’ve seen ‘em too?” Callum asked out of nowhere, I jumped from my spot as if I was broken from a trance. They looked at me with what seemed like fear and utter dread.

“Excuse you?” They pointed at the vitraux i was looking at “Her,You've seen her” With how they looked at me, i knew lying wouldn't do me any good “Yeah” I Had replied with a slight tremble in my voice “I have” My eyes couldn't meet theirs, I was too ashamed and startled. In my avoidance I noticed that Callum’s jacket had an embroidered patch of Mictecacihuatl, the lady of the dead in Aztec mythology.

“How?” they asked,sounding adamant that they get an answer.

“dreams, you?” something in me pushed me to answer,even if i felt like their question was a little too weird and out of pocket “same” 

I blinked at the sordid nature of it. How could I dream of something that I have never seen before? But before I could question that bitch of an existential crisis,We heard shuffling steps from behind us, we turned to see a priest- Old,old man with a wrinkled face, dark black eyes that gleamed with..satisfaction? “May I help you with something?” The old man asked, His voice raspy and with a warmth that felt too unnatural- Like he's trying to overcompensate. I raised my brows in surprise,his voice sounding so familiar, like I heard it in a distant dream.

“No” Callum sounded harsh, they took my bicep and began tugging me along out of the Church,but before they left my sight i read the two other plaques beside Mother sun: “Sister star” and “The Oracle” They didn't speak a word until we were well away from the church, they sat me down at a bench and looked at me like somebody had died. 

“I thought there was enough of us already” They whispered, afraid that the trees would grow ears and listen “What?” “There's 3 more others just like you, like us.-Probably more” “Callum, you're not making any sense” “Listen to me,Nova. The stars have names”[entry 7] I came back home late after that, Callum insisted on walking me home and we did so in silence. It felt uncomfortable, like the lack of literally any spoken word was digging under my skin and getting into my bone marrow,expanding it uncomfortably. 

Before our weird ass conversation,I actually got along with Callum, like i’ve known them all my life or even well before that…It was odd but..comforting.They’re the first friend i've made since moving here.

They bid me goodbye with a kiss on the cheek, I didn't think too much of it since it's a common way to greet each other back in Argentina- Us latinos are a mixed bag of customs after all. 

As soon as I stepped in, My mom was up in arms about where I had been. She was cooking as she yelled at me for being out so late, I told her she needed to calm down and I reminded her about how Cometa town had almost no crime rate. 

She glared at me and told me i was just as irresponsible as my father, it made me so angry, it scorched me that she would compare me to my dad, only to turn around and tell me i should make peace with him- She still somehow believed that it was my fault that i fought with him, and not that he looked at me in the eye and said “You're the worst daughter a father could ask for”. It was a petty argument, i don't remember what we were fighting about anymore, In that moment,rage blinded me and I just wanted her to hurt, and before I could wallow my rage,she yelped and jumped away from the oven.She had burnt herself with the flame of the stove.

After that i went to my room, i was so mad and so,so tired. I am exhausted from having to dance on the edge of being a golden child and a scapegoat martyr. I would never be enough for her, and that was starting to dawn on me. 

I get that she was worried,that she feared something happened to me- But there are better ways to say so. It makes me sad she never seems to treat me like an actual human.

[Entry 8] I fell asleep as soon as I went to bed.I had consciously forgotten about Callum’s explanation, but a part of me didn't.

As i drifted endlessly on the edge of sleep, i remembered everything my new “Friend” had told me

“ Listen to me,Nova. The stars have names. Not the ones we gave them,Venus,Saturn,pluto. None of that bullshit. They are gods, born from the planets we know, they're only shells of shattered womb,they have no life in them.” “But there's life on earth” I had said “Because they needed a place for their servants to live. Thats us” “And why should I trust your words?” Callum seemed a little amused at my flabbergasted expression

They scoffed before continuing to talk “The whole town is in on it. They are a cult,im sure of it” “How do you even know this stuff?” “I moved here three years ago, my family and I had been practically chased off from our home in Mexico. The bosses of my parents had fired them, I suddenly became the worst student in my school and got kicked out. My buddy Byeol and Archie had been offered a scholarship to the university of this town- This very public university.  A scholarship.” they made a pause to steady themself, it felt like they were just word vomiting right now. “Did nothing weird happen to you before you came here?” They continued with a slight anger to them, not directed at me but at whatever was supposedly tugging the strings of this weird cultish plot. “Nothing that feels too much like a coincidence?” I remembered how Dawn had been raised here, how she said the homes here were really cheap,especially to immigrants.Something about a benefit from the state. At the time I doubted it, this country is as capitalist as it gets-Not to mention its clear distaste for non natives. But then we checked and it was an actual thing,so I didn't think too much of it since I just figured my biases had gotten the better of me. 

“How do you know this?” I asked.

“I know this because I saw it. In my dreams” They raised a finger before I could manage to retort “Let me ask you this, have you heard of any of the gods we saw at the church?” “No,but it could be a niche religion” “Okay then,what about your dreams?” Truth is I was ready to jump on the conspiracy bandwagon,Too soon? maybe. But my mind was looking for a reason to doubt all these good things in my life, a part of me wouldn’t let me accept the nice things that came to me. There is a reason I go to therapy after all.

“see?” Callum added,taking my silence as the answer they needed. “Why would you tell me this?” “Because you're the missing piece. I told you there’s more of us, my friends all had dreams with the gods we saw back there”They answered “I could see you were staring at Mother Sun, so that must be who you see in your dreams, am i mistaken?”I shook my head. “I don't know what they're planning”they continued,sure there was something else unraveling, “i don't know why they want us but it can't be good. This town is too perfect, it makes me sick. Nothing good can come from this,i can just feel it”

I sat there in silence and looked at the floor. I didn't know if I could believe them.A cult? really? And why was I the missing piece? “Then why don’t you leave” “We have nowhere to go, all the times I’ve tried to convince my family to get out something big like a promotion would happen and suddenly my word wasn’t enough”

My heart sank to my feet. ‘No matter what you do, the game is always rigged ’ I thought. “And you haven’t told them about all this?” “I did, but they say that it’s just a product of how our leave from Mexico unfolded”

They say that when you wear rose colored glasses,all red flags are just..flags. Me included, I felt like their whole speech just now was the ramblings of a madman. But they had just enough credibility to them that it made it hard for me to fully reject it.

I sat there in silence for a while,processing everything I had been told. I don’t know if Callum was staring at me,I completely zoned out for a few good minutes. All I could see was that goddess,I could feel her tugging at me somehow,she was eager. A sigh made me snap out of my thoughts, I looked up to see my companion’s face and for a moment I swear they looked incredibly gaunt “Sorry,I know it's a lot to dump on you” they had said with a soft voice and a meek look in their eyes.

“thats the understatement of the fucking century” They scoffed and offered to walk me home as compensation for the wild ride. They also gave me their phone number just in case.

And truth be told I was ready to leave it all behind and make a mental note to never talk to Callum again.

But then I had to fall asleep.

I found myself in the dark expanse again, I knew the drill of creation and destruction, worlds coming and going,and when I stood before the planets spinning around me, I started to notice something. Each planet had a massive crack in the middle, they were creaking and groaning with pain. I could hear their labored breathing as whatever was crawling out of them began to split their shells apart. Like tearing open the placenta that held them. The celestial bodies that house them scream in pain and agony, a horrible choir of death as beings of immense scale rise before me.That same man made of moonlight and time rose from the smallest natural satellite, he was the first one…

I saw him and the sun behind me dance in eternal bliss, with each step I could feel the ripples of space bending, breaking what remained of the planets that only followed the orbit of the giant,divine woman. Though I could never see their faces, there was no face to see. 

Or perhaps I was afraid of what I would behold if I stared at the sun for too long.

Mother Sun looked down upon me and I turned away. I could feel her burn a hole through my skull, only stopping when Venus splits open with a screeching choir,birthing a woman with the face of pure starlight, grand insectoid wings that flutter curiously. Then Neptune cracks open with a tidal wave, allowing a large female figure to slither out of it. She had past and future in her eyes- were those her eyes? her face was a gossamer shine that reflected fractals and fractals of what could be or had been. 

And long forgotten in time, Pluto is the last one to be born. Cold in the endless vacuum, creaking of bone against bone, feeding from the corpse of his mother, A shrouded figure stood impossibly tall, curling into itself. 

More were missing, I Knew that-She knew that. 

But I couldn't see the other planets from just how bright she shone in the black void. 

Unwilling to look at her, I tried my best to fight her. I wouldn't let her burn my eyes, I don't want to face whatever turned its wretched gaze upon me. I would rather be disintegrated into ash, because when she forced my head to snap to her, using her massive hand to twist me like a doll, I saw my face in her shine. 

I woke up screaming,tears falling down my cheeks before I managed to be conscious enough to let them flow. [Entry 9] My mom ran into my room,asking me if I was okay. I told her I had a nightmare, and that I'd be fine. I never talked about my dreams,so she wasn't surprised I didn't want to talk about it. She hung out with me in the kitchen as I made myself some tea. I didn't have the strength to look at her bandaged arm,did I cause that? When she saw me a lot calmer, she returned to sleep. And I decided I had to talk with Callum about all this. 

Before I knew it, I was sneaking out of the house and embarking on a midnight adventure with a person I just met, to talk about eldritch beings and horrors. Life really is the gift that keeps on giving.

They took me to a restaurant. “Nebula Dinner”,read the perfect, 50s style neon sign. By this point it's like the town wasn't even bothering to hide it…

“So..”They began once we sat down in the booth placed on one of the corners of the establishment “Do you believe me now?” I snarled at how smug they sounded “Yes” “Good,because it's only going to get worse”

“jeez, how sunny” They shrugged and put their forearms on the table,leaning in a little and using them as support “Tell me about the dream”. And tell them I did, I spared no detail, and it felt oddly nice to be able to share this with somebody other than my therapist. They listened attentively and even went so far as to hold my hand when I began tearing up again. “..why? why us?” I had asked with what little voice I had in me.

“Your guess is as good as mine”They replied, trying to sound nonchalant about it,but I could tell that in a sense, this was like reliving his own trauma. “Look, My dreams started a few months before I moved to Cometa, same with Archie,Byeol and Sammira. Tell me if that's not a cosmic coincidence” I flinched at the word “cosmic” and they apologized. 

To my credit, I did try to process everything I had heard. And I failed miserably at it. My brain ran itself in circles trying to reconcile with the idea that gods existed, and that for some damn reason I was suddenly chosen by one of them. 

I still couldn't shake off that feeling, like i was breathing alongside somebody, my head buzzed and i still felt like my brain felt like it was being pushed into two different directions. The images are so clear even when it had been just a few hours since I woke up.

A sigh left me as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes,I could have used some more rest-But the thought of having to face that thing again terrified me. “I like god do not play with dice” I quoted, hoping that one of my many vocal stims cheered me up. “And i do not believe in coincidence” They had finished, smiling at me “V for Vendetta”

“You know it?It's a bit old” “I have the compilation of the whole series back in my house,” They answered, clearly enthusiastic about it. “Hey,let me get you something to eat, my treat- We shouldn't be thinking about this without food in our stomachs” “It's like two am” They shrugged and said “Early breakfast,i guess” And I couldn't help myself and said “What about second breakfast?”“I don't think he knows about second breakfast,Pippin '' They answered without missing a beat, accent and all. Suddenly all the tension in the air dissipated as we both laughed,I shook my head at the absurdity of it all, and I gladly accepted the offer of food. 

Even though I knew there were a lot more things we needed to discuss, I let it pass by. I needed to feel normal again for a few minutes, and I wouldn't deny this moment.

Callum waved over one of the late night staff, Her name was Solana and she was Callum's older sister. They introduced me to her and we both ordered something to eat after she handed us the menu.

We spent the night talking about comics,movies and games. It felt nice to be a normal twenty something again.

[entry 10] Callum had spent the night at my house, they promised they would sneak off in the morning. It was sunday so my mom would leave to work at the fairs in one of the parks. They said they knew how hard it was to deal with these nightmares, and they wanted to keep me company through it all.

If I had not experienced the worst nightmare of my life, I would've said no. But I didn't want to spend this night alone, I didn't feel safe being on my own. I feel like these dreams will eat me whole, and I can begin to feel something crawling inside my chest already. 

When i woke up Callum was gone as they said they would, they had left me a text saying we could hang out later or grab lunch. My home didn't feel safe anymore,it felt like the sunlight was so bright it was eating away all the color,all the life my house had.I accepted their offer in a heartbeat, at least walking through the town I could forget and ignore the shifting shadows out of the corners of my eyes, and how uncomfortably familiar the sunlight felt on my skin, like it was trying to embrace the deepest part of me and for that it needed to tear and carve through my skin,my muscles and straight past my bones.

My new friend wasn't faring any better, they felt incredibly cold to the touch, they avoided being in the shade for too long and they had ripped off their patch about Pluto and we did not talk about our dreams,or what this “cult” might be up to. And it wasn't even out of worry that we could be eavesdropped upon. It was pure,sheer fear of what it would mean if just like the planets, something was growing inside of us. 

There was a pull underneath my skin, i could feel it writhe under my intestines,slithering and weaving itself through the pores of my sternum…And as much as i tried to push it away, it would only fade when during our walk we came across a second church,identical to the one we had seen on saturday. “Another one?” I asked confused

Callum nodded“To the other minor gods,Madame Jupiter,Sir Kaos,Professor Mercury and Saint Saturn”

“Those are weird ass names” I tried to joke,relieved that i suddenly felt like myself again “I didn't choose them” He chided “But yes,weird” “I'm kind of curious to see the inside” “That's how horror movies start. We’re latinos,we’re supposed to know better” They joked with a slight smirk

“Well i have some white in me,my grandma’s italian, I can be a bit stupid,as a treat” “If you die in there i'm not retrieving your body” “mean”

Making fun of it did help to ease the tension that had been growing like a weed inside of me.It felt like me and Callum had known each other our whole lives, that there was no need to put our words through a filter. I was going to tug them along to see the interior, but we saw one of the nuns come out from the church, she was looking down at the ground,minding her step. Then she looked at us for a few,long seconds and smiled wide. She raised her hand to wave at us, and we looked at eachother and promptly walked away. 

What disturbed me the most is that i felt like i knew her,I knew the sound of her voice even when i have never heard her speak. Just like the old priest I saw at the other cathedral. I felt like i had heard her call my name, which one i didn't know, it made me dizzy trying to figure it out and i was already dealing with feeling watched- Callum kept glancing back and i knew then i wasn't the only one that felt like that

Honestly,If i had not dreamt what i did,i would have chalked it up to paranoia…

But then I looked up straight at the sun. I expected the shine to burn my eyes,but it didn't. I had hoped I'd blind myself for a split second just to confirm something that wasn’t clawing at me at that moment.

Dread settled,my chest felt tight and I felt like the gold light that spilled across this world cupped my face and forced me to face its creator.

The sun was staring right back at me, beckoning me closer.

[entry 11] I woke up a few seconds after,I felt something cold against my back, hard like wood and somebody holding me. Slowly I blinked my eyes open and met the face of Callum, they looked concerned,sweaty, and I could see past them a gray ceiling of carved rock and stained glass.

“How are you?” They had asked,voice shaking.

“Im,..okay? what's up with you?” Before they replied, I heard a raspy, gravelly voice say “Ah,so good to see you're okay” The unnatural welcoming in this male voice made my bones uncomfortable, I felt them pushing against my joints trying to escape. I wanted to peel each strand of my muscles only to distract myself from it. 

There stands the priest we saw at the church with the vitraux of the main gods of this cursed pantheon, he opens his arms and says “Our Mother can be quite stern if she wants to, sorry for that. But i have the feeling you’ll soon grow on her” He made a pause,to then clear his throat “Sorry, I meant to say she’ll soon grow in you” 

I turned to Callum, who tried to put themself between me and the priest “Callum, what the hell is going on?” Callum turned back briefly to me, they pursed their lips and their eyes looked wild with their pupils as small as a dot “Remember how i said I didn't know what they were planning?” I nodded “...I have the feeling we’re about to find out”

The old priest smirked, his eyes glimmering like the ones of a predator “Don’t worry,we won't hurt you”

“You should hear him out” Came a woman’s voice I knew quite well. Dawn stood there in the same clothes I had seen her wear in our last session together,with a smile so big like she was a kid in a candy store. “I know it's hard to accept good things,especially with everything you’ve been through,but this community welcomes you,both of you, with open arms” She offered a hug,spreading her arms. Her face twitched as if it hurt to grin like that but she couldn't stop.

 It reminded me of how sometimes people would feel euphoria when experiencing something divine… We both began to hear multiple sets of steps,we’re surrounded by nuns,townsfolk. They all seem to revere us,and it dawns on me.

“After all, how dare we strike our own gods?”Finished the priest. They had handed me this journal,my journal, to write everything since my midnight meeting with Callum. They say that I had written their holy texts once before, and that they eagerly await the gospel of their mother…

I don't know why they returned me home,why keep up appearances? they had us at the church… 

But then in came my mom,all excited telling me about how she had a really good day at work, how she could give me some money to buy myself something pretty. I wouldn't put it past them to harm my mother if I told her about all this? Would she even believe me? Right now i can hear them outside my window, it's a gloomy day, rainy and horrible,almost pitch dark, they hide in the shadows, they are whispering and awing at my writing. Callum is here with me, just as scared as I am. 

“Why?” I ask out loud,hoping for an answer, and I get none. 

My mind drifted for a second to Callum,their family,their friends.

Friends..

Oh no, There's more like us.

More…vessels? seeds? What are we? Who the hell are we?

 I feel now the sun shining down on me. its warmth uncomfortably pressing under my skin,through tunnels already carved straight to my soul. I turn to Callum, they sit in the darkness at the edge of my bed,their back against the mattress, their head hung low. The hood of their jacket is pulled up, I can't see their face, and I don't think I'd see any if they turned to me. 

I can feel her crawling up my nerves,up my spine. My head feels dizzy and my face feels incredibly hot like I'm feverish. ‘You’re loved here,don’t you see?’She whispers ‘You won’t be ignored here, you won't be a scapegoat,a martyr. You can be that golden child, the saint you know you are’

Tears begin to fall down my face,staining the pages of the journal. She makes it sound so sweet. 

‘Finally you can rest. Why fight against the system?Why don’t you..we join it? we can change it together. We can make something out of ourselves’

I look at Callum, shivering and talking to themself under their breath. I can’t hear them,but I can see their breath condensate.

“I think we’ve known each other for a while” They finally said,soft voice barely carrying over the whispering horde outside.They offer their hand towards me as I hear the creaking of bone against bone, scraping like nails on a chalkboard. Their teeth clack together as if there's no gums,no tongue to soften the impact.I see that their fingers are thin and their skin is barely sticking to their bones.I take it,finding solace in their touch.

I don’t want to be alone. Not again, not ever again.

“We do,don't we?” I replied. 

Everything seems clearer now,like sunlight after a storm.

“Do you know my name?” “I think I do,do you know mine?” “i do” “it's good to see you again,Harvester” “it's good to bask in your radiance again,Mother Sun”

[entry 11]

“Church of Santa Madre de Luz Divina

“Heed my words oh servant

For my light will guide your path.

Like it always has during eons past.

I never left,for you still revolve around me

Even if my body hangs limp in the sky.

Like a child within my womb,you writhe and call for me.

Heed my words, you who have waited for our return…

The stars have names.

Not those you could even fathom to pronounce.

We have walked amongst you now.

We have lived what you have.

So welcome this new era.

Welcome us anew.No longer forgotten

And don't fret

for we have a plan for you”

[End of journal] I can see her, through the dark. The sky is looking back through the gloom.

Her light burns me.

My mother is calling. 

But I can't give in,not yet, not now. There's four more documents like this,I can transcribe them if any of you want to kamikaze yourself into insanity with me. I’ll be here waiting,patiently. Either way,I know now that no matter what I do, the sun is always watching me,the moon knows all my secrets and in the cold night outside I can see the harvester waiting for me, tapping on his scythe with his candles burning blue.

[blitzosicedcoffee]

Ficlet-HELLATOBER Day 8- Exorcist

Summary:

In Which The Problem of Extermination Day leads to another Problem that Blitz had tried to avoid.

-------------------

Blitz grabs his keys and spins them on his finger, whistling a tune. But Loona grabs his shoulder before he leaves the house.

"Where are you going?" She asks. Blitz looks at her with a put off expression, "Uh-to the grocery store".

"No you're not! It's Extermination Day", Loona mentions and points to the 666 newscast she was watching.

It's a sick joke that all the main grocery stores are in Pentagram city. Meanwhile Imp city is only filled with convenience stores. None with fruit or eggs or milk of course. Blitz groans, running his hands down his eyes.

"Whaaat, I thought they just had it six months ago!" He stomps and she shrugs, "Guess they...changed their minds".

Blitz sighs and walks over to open their fridge again and slams it, empty.

"Loonie I gotta go, if I don't we won't have food for a good 24 hours", he says, and heads towards the door again.

But Loona runs in front of it, blocking him.

"No way. You think I'm letting you go there today? Do you know how many sinners look like imps? A lot of them. They'd kill you on accident for sure", she tells him nervously and Blitz frowns and crosses his arms, "Then what do you suggest we do cause I don't have money for eating out".

Loona stutters-"Well I don't exactly have another plan-...." She says and Blitz blinks, "Then move missy, I gotta go. You aren't going hungry on my watch".

She panics as he tries to move her paw from the doorknob and yells out, "I'll call Stolas!" Her eyes go wide. Blitz blinks rapidly, "What?"

"I'll call him if you go", she says and he snickers, "Pff, I'm not scared of him".

"But you're afraid to talk to him", she says smugly, crossing her arms now. He growls under his breath and pushes her gently aside.

"No I'm not. And I'm going. You stay here", he says, heading out the door.

"Suit yourself!" She yells as he leaves. Then dials her phone.

Blitz groans and mutters to himself as he gets in his car, "Fuckin' call Stols if I decide to go to the damn grocery store, I'm a fuckin assassin I can handle myself with other assassins. Fuckin angel bitches-" he starts the car and as he does, someone else joins him in the passenger seat of the van.

"Well hello Blitz", Stolas says and Blitz jumps, eyes wide, then facepalming.

"She really called you?! Fuckin-im sorry Stols it's no big deal you can go", he tells him and Stolas looks to the ground then back at him.

"You would like me to leave?" He asks. Fuck. of course he never wants Stolas to leave. But he hasn't seen him since the party and...that...ended interestingly.

Blitz swallows the stone in his throat, "I- mean if you want to that is I guess. Whatever Loonie said, I don't need help".

"I admit she didn't say much, just, Blitz, exorcist, help", he giggles but Blitz's mouth is agape. He came to be with him for just three words?

"Yeah well-im fine", he says again but starts driving, and Stolas's beak forms a line as he taps his fingers on the dash.

"I'm going to the grocery store", he says. Stolas nods, "Ah".

They continue driving in silence until Blitz gets to the mouth of the tunnel to Pentagram City and he stops suddenly on the side of the road with his hazard lights on.

Stolas looks around, "Is there something wrong with the van?" Blitz laughs, "Why are you here Stolas".

Stolas stutters now, "W-well I care-". Blitz takes a deep breath, "Do you?"

"What?!" Stolas blinks, "Of course". Blitz groans and rubs his face, "Because every time I come to you, it's 'oh Blitz, I can't see you' but then I need you and what you're fine?"

The owl in his passenger seat stays quiet. Letting him rant.

"I mean just fucking choose, Stols! I can't keep playing this damn game okay?"

He puts his hand to his chest now, "Game?! You think this is a game, Blitz?! It wouldn't have to be a game if you just told me your feelings initially instead of stringing me along like I should know everything about your subtlety! Well I don't! So why don't y-you spell it out for me Blitz!"

"Was that succubus fucker a better kisser than me?" He demands.

"What?!" Stolas asks incredulously. Blitz crawls toward him, "Did he fiddle your holes the way I do? Did you think about me the whole night? Or did you just move on to another imp? To another poor sap who's going to be disappointed when they make a connection with you".

Stolas chokes back a sob and holds his mouth, "Blitz I didn't mean- that's not-" he insists and reaches out to him but Blitz swipes him away.

"No, get out of my van Stols", he says, pointing.

"What?!" The tears escape Stolas's hand. The corners of Blitz's eyes tearing now as well.

"I said get out!!!!", he yells, and Stolas climbs out hurriedly, holding himself.

Blitz gets out too and walks towards him and Stolas takes a step back but Blitz just sits on the ground with his head in his hands. Stolas looks up, willing away tears.

"I loved you", Blitz mumbles. "What?" Stolas replies. He walks closer to him and sits on the grassy ground next to him on the side of the road.

After a few moments of silence, "I care for you too", he says. Blitz turns and holds his head.

"What? What did I say!" Stolas says, tears forming again.

"You can't say it. What I said", Blitz squeezes his eyes shut, "I don't blame you".

Something clicks in his brain and he holds Blitz hand, him letting him. Blitz keeping his eyes shut.

"Blitz I don't know what love means", he explains, the tears falling down his face. "What?" Blitz replies, opening his eyes and tears fall.

"I...told you I just want to be wanted. Because Ive never been wanted even by family. I don't..I don't know love I don't know what that feels like", he tells him and blinks as Blitz puts his hand onto Stolas's cheek and wipes some of his tears.

"You're ruining your pretty feathers, feathers", he says and Stolas grabs his hand gently, "I'm being serious here Blitz".

"I know", he says and looks in Stolas's eyes, "I Love you Stolas. That's...I can show you. Let me show you?" He asks desperately, scooching closer to him.

Stolas smiles and nods, eyes squeezing tears away as Blitz takes his cheeks gently and kisses his forehead and caresses his claw down the back of his head, sitting in his lap and gives him soft kisses all over his face. Then finally to his lips. So gentle. The kind of kiss Stolas has never experienced from Blitz, or anyone.

"I care for you Stols", he squeezes him tight and Stolas returns the favor and they stay like this for a while. Until that is, they realize they're still sitting on th side of the road. People honking once in a while.

Stolas chuckles, "I suppose we should go to the grocery before your daughter starves?" He asks Blitz.

Blitz stands up and offers a hand to Stolas, pulling him up. They get back in the car, Blitz clearing more room for Stolas's legs and restarts the car.

Blitz smiles to Stolas, "Alright. Let's go kick some angel ass".

[pixeljade]

Okay i've tried like 20 times to word this in a way that'll go as gently as possible but I dont think im gonna be 100% successful bc autism, so im just gonna post this and hope yall dont take it in bad faith:

Theres a lot of younger queers (especially AFAB ones) who still hold TERF ideology and the main reason I see them failing to let it go is because they cant embrace sex positivity.

Which like. I kinda get. I mean if I was AFAB and I grew up with creepy toxic masculine dudes constantly sexualizing me while i was still a child, and the pressures of family to reproduce, and all that shit that comes with being AFAB, i'd probably be scared as shit of sex. Heck I'm a *little* scared of it myself since I was sexually assaulted twice before I was 18! But I feel like thats something to fight against, because like...sex is healthy! Sex is good! Sex is the cause of literally all of our lives!!!!

And I'm not saying you have to have sex or anything, god no, I'm on the ace spectrum. I'm saying you have to be normal about sex, because sex is a part of life! Its ESPECIALLY a part of the queer community! And as much as it should be more welcoming to ace people, I also think demanding it be entirely chaste in order to welcome ace people is stupid and selfish and unhealthy.

"So whats this have to do with TERF ideology though?" Well, reader, I'm glad you asked, because "sex is scary" is the first step in the TERF ideology road! It usually goes "sex is scary" -> "men are scary" -> "anything with a penis is scary". And basically every queer person, at least on the surface, is against this. But under the surface, I find it all falls apart, especially amongst AFAB people. AMAB queers are expected to perform femininity to fit in, and almost always if it is the sort of space where femininity is scrutinized, it is expected that the feminine must also be chaste. I feel like thats no accident. It feels like any mention of sexuality from an AMAB person has them thinking about how we have a penis, such a lewd horrible thing, and then its like...instantly we become less womanly to them. They've let their fear tie femininity to a lack of sexuality, which is a TERF idea!

This also is what leads to more censorship of transfem people. As the recent bannings of transfem people on this site continue, I see a lot of posts saying stuff like "You wouldnt have this problem if youd just stop posting sexual content", even being reblogged by supposed allies.

And you might be thinking "well I'm AFAB but I'm trans, so, this doesnt apply to me. Theyre talking about actual TERFs!" And no, you're wrong. I see transmasc people who pull this shit ALL THE TIME. I recently had a transmasc friend cringe and tell me that the fact that I liked Asumi-chan Is Interested In Lesbian Brothels was a red flag because it was "clearly for the male gaze" which is absolutely TERF behavior. I also see a lot of transmasc people being dismissive of transfem fears in the current trans political situation. Its seemingly almost always a specific brand of UwU cottagecore transmasc that does it too, and a few of them I've even caught admitting they "used to be a TERF" which, I'm glad you no longer associate with them, but I'm telling you you still have shit to unlearn. Dont tell me this is out of my lane, either, its no different from if someone pointed out I still had toxic masculinity to unlearn! Which has happened, and I've examined mine. Why do you find it so unreasonable to examine yours?

Anyways thats all for now. Please do better. I shouldnt have to deal with this shit while the government is trying to kill me.

[manako-no-yami]

fic meme :)

thanks @crestfallercanyon for tagging me!

Rules: pick any 10 of your fics, scroll somewhere to the mid point, pick a line, and share it! then tag 10 people. (Don't reblog, make a new post).

-

uh so im probs being more choosey with my selections than the rules dictate, but. whatever... (these are also probably longer than "a line" but. again. whatever...)

to hell with you (maze runner) Stephen and Gally don't talk about the past. They talk about the future. And the present. They talk about the way the leaves are starting to change color at this time of the year, green to gold. Whether strawberry or grape jam is better. They talk about that stupid TV show Stephen loves so much that Gally can barely stand. How the early morning air makes them feel alive, how late night Pringles can make them feel like indulgent kings, how the shimmer of streetlights on rain-wet pavement feels like nostalgia for a life they've never lived. They talk about everything and nothing. And sometimes, they don't need to talk at all.

hot as he takes his coffee, dumb as his fat donkey (maze runner) “So...” he drawls. “When do you get off?” “At home and in private,” Thomas retorts.

and for a woman wert thou first created (maze runner) “I can’t even see you,” Minho complains. “Move your camera.” “No, it’s a bad angle,” Newt complains, but he tilts the screen down anyway. The laptop is on his chest, his head propped up by pillows. “So, how’s the fam?” It is a bad angle. It makes his neck look short and shows a zit he has under his chin. Minho wants to kiss him so badly it feels like a physical ache.

stupidity is all we have (maze runner) He's not patient enough. Doesn't see the point in growing things when all he can focus on is the road ahead. All he's good for is running. Running away, running towards. Not stopping. Not staying. He's always on the move, but Newt... Newt gives him a place to come back to. He puts down roots, creates a home. Even if none of them remember home, or what home is supposed to be like. They’re the blind leading the blind, finding destinations in each other by calling out in the dark.

fake it 'til you make it (teen wolf, sterek) Is it that Stiles loves these little things, making him fall even more in love with Derek? Or is it that Stiles was doomed to love every little thing just by virtue of them being part of Derek? He doesn’t know. And in the end, does it matter?

blinded by starlight (maze runner) They make a sound that Gally doesn't understand. Or at least, he thinks it was a sound. It felt more like a breeze passing through his body, a ghost settling in his skull. Just a faint impression pressing itself against the contours of his mind, whispering I was here. "What?" Gally asks, and is startled by the sound of his own voice. Thomas does not look up, but their body is attuned to Gally's, clearly aware. Gally swallows, and asks again. "What did you say?" "Her name," Thomas says. "That was her name."

i didn't have it in myself to go with grace (maze runner) That's the look that, towards the beginning, had been filled with fondness no matter how stupid or bull-headed Thomas was being. The look that Thomas once thought said, "And in spite of it all, I still love you." That's the look that, eventually, when they started getting sick of each other, had transformed into being filled with frustration and anger, with dismissal, no matter how insignificant Thomas's fuck-up had been. The look that screamed, "Why do I even put up with you?" 

sins of the father (maze runner) Gally presses his lips together. Be quiet. Be quiet. He shakes his head again. "Then you're stupid," his father says, rising. His sandwich is still half-eaten. He is heading towards the fridge, where there’s an unopened six-pack. "If you don't think your daddy is a useless dead-beat, you're stupid." Gally wants to run, but he knows better than to move. He's afraid if he breathes too hard, he'll cut himself on the teeth of the jaws clamped around him. Best play dead.

when monsters escape from under the bed (maze runner) He hasn't brought out that extra set of white sheets yet. The throw he's using as a blanket is thin and scratchy. He turned off the heat to save energy, and it's cold. He doesn't get up to fix any of this, because he's afraid to sleep. Instead, he lies there and imagines Thomas puttering around the kitchen, hyped up on the tails of an ass o'clock revelation, drinking disgusting coffee. Gally could really use an ass o'clock revelation right about now.

the second rule (maze runner) When he turns to look at Gally, torchlight flickering over his features, he looks like a normal kid. Like any other Glader, except for his eyes. His eyes are dark, glimmering like a bottomless well with an ink surface. Gally should ignore him. He shouldn't say anything to Thomas because talking is pointless, and Gally doesn't do pointless. No one is listening to him, so what does he have to say? And nothing he says will get through to Thomas, that's for sure. But when Gally glances at him, that stare reminds him of being bested at his own game, of the taste of dirt, of a jeering crowd surrounding him. Thomas has worldly eyes, eyes like the entire world is watching.

-

uhhhhh. who to tag. @itsthemxze @subjecta5newtella @pathsofoak @onceuponabluemoon @mazegays and whoever else would like to!

[l0st-h0p3]

The second I turned 25 I finally puked my whole world up.

And you expect after everything I can just hold on and be tough?

Frankly, I’ve had enough

I’m sick of the games

The lying

The twisting of words and constant feeling of shame

You ask why I sit here, why I function the way I do

And I could sit back and hit my smoke and quickly say “well family, it was truly all a product of you”.

Could you maybe take the fucking hint?

All the endless clues?

The drugs, the sex, the recklessness the anger all leading me askew.

You don’t sit there and ever wonder “hey maybe that was something I put her through?”

You don’t seem to stop and think unless it’s for you’re own image or gain

You can sit there lost in the television every night not knowing all of my true pain

I sit above you as you ponder below

Fighting the endless demons you’ve caused me to bestow

It’s not all you

I’d be stupid if I say that’s true

I know what I’ve put myself through

I’m not saying your all my reasons but you are the many more than a few

Not one

Not two

All three of you

Everyone close to me has left and everyday I fear there will be more

The ones I truly could confide in, let my walls down and adore

I don’t think you realize what it’s truly like walking around this life feeling like you’re a worn out soul

Something everybody wants when the time is right

But when I finally show my fright

Everybody wanders off into the darkness of the night

You ask why I’m frigid

Why I’m cold and meek

I fear that it’s that I have too many secrets to keep

And not enough words to speak

I thought of truly saying goodbye is different for all of each one

My father I don’t care goodbye and if you go where you truly deserve have fun

My sister I don’t know where we stand all I know is right now I can no longer take your hand

My mother that’s the hardest one if I’m honest

Because you didn’t chose to become a damaged woman who was once filled with such promise

You overcame the biggest battles of your life

Almost being murdered, pissing off your parents and paying for your own school, stage 2 cancer but when you became a wife

I think that’s where it all went wrong

You tell me when I speak to the man I love I’m caught up in his smooth tone and song

But I think if anything I learned what not to be

For the fear that that never ending painful love is what will become of me

You ask me the root cause of why I didn’t wish to be a mother?

It’s because seeing the way you two were drove me mad like no other

The way you both don’t communicate properly, the dismissiveness, the disrespect

To witness that my whole life drove me to believe true love is when you’re treated with little to no respect

You might’ve made your first born cold, distant and mean

But I have still managed to come out warm, open and sweet

It baffles me how someone who claims to have so much life experience can just be so negative, so quick to judge & so persistent

So again you ask why I’m so distant?

When I try to talk to you all

I’m continually running into the same wall

Of endless disappointment, betrayal and rage

So yes yes I did in matter of fact put my tainted little heart in a cage

I’m trying to protect what remains

And I don’t see in what’s wrong in trying to let my heart learn how to heal from all the pain

You say you know me

You say you know my passions, goals and ideal future

But what if I told you that’s you being the typical American consumer?

I don’t want white picket fences and big houses

I don’t want a city life, nice cars or to make hundreds of thousands

I know as parents you want the best for your kids

But believe me when I tell you this

After everything I’ve gone through, seen and had to do

I never once didn’t stop and think of how it would effect all of you

Yet I now have found the life I seriously deserve

The one I truly love and this love I will do anything to protect and preserve

I can’t tell you where this road will lead

if theres one thing for sure

Im ready for the ride and I’ll take it in strides

But I finally found the hand I’ve been so endlessly searching for

And I guess I’m here to let you know:

I am absolutely never ever ever letting it go <3

[mental-skillness]

It's really interesting feeling therapy start to work. I've been in on- again off-again sessions since 7th grade, and this is the first time it's felt like it's supposed to (uncomfortable but helpful)

I'm seeing the same therapist i saw in high school for gender, but at first i only talked about my gender / transition goals, and when i started to bring up my anxiety it was very much in a "what do i do when this happens" kind of way. And i only saw her once a month at most, which apparently doesnt work for me.

Now i see her every 2 weeks and, while I vaguely dread the appointments, it's because im gonna have to talk about things that make me uncomfortable. Which is the whole point

I was starting to feel like therapy just didn't work for me because every session felt... monster of the week, for lack of a better term.

I would ask how to fix an issue i was having and she would suggest a coping mechanism and i would try it a couple times and it wouldnt work and i would stop. And i never really knew what to talk about because i was so focused on the SYMPTOMS (anxiety spiralling, SH, etc) that i barely touched on my fears themselves. In 3 years of seeing her i never mentioned that I felt like i was a bad person and that i was terrified people would find out.

And then last semester I found a new therapist to see while I was out-of-state. It didnt go great — I think I was on the road to a drug/stress induced psychotic episode, honestly, and I was so convinced that there was something deeply wrong with me that i was talking with an agenda of convincing her I had a major psychiatric issue. And i was kinda aware of this, but i couldn't seem to stop myself. So the sessions didnt help, because i wanted to believe myself i was irreparably damaged, and since she seemed deeply concerned about everything i brought up, it worked.

To be honest, my current therapist is a lot better. Or at least, she's a better fit for me. She doesnt upscale the issues I bring up like my last therapist did; she treats them like issues that exist but that arent the end of the world. She approaches things in a way that doesnt fuel my catastrophizing.

The best example I have for that is I brought up the same issue to both my last therapist and my current one, which is that toward the end of my last semester I started smoking, and it provoked a spiral along the lines of, "if I'm smoking it means I don't care about my health, and if I dont care about my health it means I dont care if I die, and if that's the case then why dont I just stop caring altogether? Why dont I just go all out and take up a bunch of passively suicidal behaviors?"

My last therapist became deeply concerned. She made me promise to stay in therapy for at least another few months, and gave me the impression that I was passively suicidal and that I should be very, very concerned about that.

My current therapist responded a LOT less intensely. She was conversational and casual and asked me what was stopping me from doing that, and reminded me that one vice doesnt necessarily mean I'm going to throw away my whole life

Idk it's just crazy going from "therapy doesn't do anything for me bc I already know I have issues and all this advice isnt helping" to "oh. So THAT'S the thing that's causing all these other problems"

[patricidekid]

My father tried to kill me , my mom multiples times.

I should have died, it’s funny how fates work ? In the end i should have died, i almost killed him too.

Every car ride during their divorces, every screaming fighting was the scary ghost of murders, he ran after her with an knife, she left, no one cared about the kids in the home.

No cops showed up, my aunt knew but just called him to try to talk.

They all abandoned us there, the only reason of why my dad didn’t do it was because he was scared of them calling cops, of not having the time to end his life, to be punished for his mistake.

Oh only if he knew that no one cared about the fates of broken bandaid child, all born for fixing an doomed relationship.

The only reason of me being a survivor is my dad weakness, an coward, an bastard, an perfect liar protected by everyone’s around.

If he didn’t killed us literally he did it mentally.

I prayed god, spiderman, everything.

I saw myself dying in his hand so many times, i learned the selfish scared of survivors, of crying in silence when he was beating my little brother because if we dared to speak… we would die, be abandoned, burned alive, stabbed.

I died at that dinner tables, every lunch, nothing was perfect everything was a reason to mock, bully, hit.

The bike day after my mom and dad broke up, my dad bringed me and my siblings deep in the wood with our bikes…. he beated, screamed at us for not being perfect.

Slut, bastard, bitch, asshole, mistake we were all that.

If my brother didn’t cried too loud, if those hitchhiker didn’t walked near, i would be dead.

One day on the side of an road if that guy didn’t stopped to ask if everything was alright… my mom would have died stabbed, we would have died locked in an car burned as gas was in our body inhaling it.

It’s an detail everyone forgot about but i remember it brightly, the car inside smelled gas.

One day before their broke up, he throwed my mom phones on the road and then he tried to run her over and then send the car into the ravine with us in the back.

But no one remember that ? Im the witness that no one want to acknowledge or see, he’s an great man, an cool dad right ? He bought my silence for years, my sister and brother don’t remember everything.

I wished it could stay like that, i be the only one suffering, the only witness, i would have protected and shielded them.

But it’s not true, one day their memories will comeback, all those horribles years buried would haunt them.

We were all broken, all killed so he could live, so he could buy himself an new happiness.

I’m weak too, i should have stabbed him, shot him.

Every time he beated or screamed at us that he should kill himself or abandon us, kill my mother, my stepfather, us, burn the house for guit tripping, keeping the control.

I should have jumped on him, i should have grabbed the rifle in the closet, the knife, the hammer, everything.

I should have stabbed his heart, his face so many times, his blood should had painted my face.

But i didn’t, i wasn’t an hero, an brave knights no i was just an scared child who learned to cry in silence so she won’t get slapped.

I couldn’t have done it, it wasn’t my roles, the system, family everyone abandoned us, doomed failed bandaid kid.

I wish he died, i wish he killed himself, i wish my dad wasn’t an coward bastard.

I wish my mom, family didn’t protected him, but they did.

« Poor bastard, he lost everything hes a good man, his pain is understandable »

Oh they all knew they just didn’t wanted to acknowledge it, all cowards, weak.

They killed us, he killed us and i couldn’t kill him.