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#feels very much like you don't want me to engage with that! feels very much like you ACTIVELY don't want me to explore that connection!
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Metapost: "The Ascendent"
**this is a meta for my fic, Pieces Still Stuck in Your Teeth, and NOT a discussion of the BG3 game canon in any way. If you try and make this into a disk-horse, I will BITE you**
(spoilers under the cut for Chapters 1-23 of Pieces Still Stuck in Your Teeth).
So... remember in the Chapter One endnote when I said I was a Spike/Buffy fan first, and a person second? x
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In more seriousness, there was a number of fictional seasonings/ingredients that went into creating what I felt was the villain of a Gothic horror, and what I felt could turn the Ascendent into something that was both 'fixable', and something I enjoyed writing.
Those ingredients were:
Spike and the idea of 'soulless' vampires in the BtVS canon - do I like this conceit of BtVS worldbuilding and how it's used in the show? No. I think it often underlines how bad Whedon is at writing romance. BUT I do think it gives Buffy this free pass for which vampires she can/can't like or adopt, and I needed some of that for my protagonist. I need a 'I can fix him' moment - BtVS has those in fucking SPADES.
Howl's Moving Castle (this one was accidental, I'm still mad at myself but I can't deny it's there) - man conducts magic ritual for power, removing an essential part of himself in the process that needs to be returned
Picture of Dorian Gray (the idea of an exterior staying pristine while something hidden suffers and decays)
Curse of Strahd (the soulless in Barovia, which I mentioned in Chapter 23)
The idea of default moral alignments in D&D. I have a whole chapter arguing against this in my thesis (mostly bc it's often applied to entire races) but I was fascinated by creating a set of circumstances where I feel like a default moral alignment is valid, actually. 7,000 deaths seems like a good set up. I wanted to imagine a being that was trapped within a default moral alignment, and the laws of its very being prevent it from being good no matter what it tries, and it knows that (this kind of creates a feedback loop with the Spike/Buffy stuff)
The parts of the BG3 canon I took and REMADE (I'm stressing this throughout, I was making a horror story and a horror monster your honour):
Astarion conducts the Rite of Profane Ascension with scars on his back, but has to scar Cazador's back personally, suggesting that um... the Rite REALLY SHOULDN'T BE CONDUCTED BY SOMEONE WHO'S GOT THOSE SCARS. Cazador wasn't going to do it that way, is all I'm saying!!
The idea that Ascended!Ending Astarion is a concentrated version of certain traits that have persisted throughout his story - his flirtiness, his understanding of sex as a mechanism and expression of power, his use of a façade as a mask for trauma he refuses to acknowledge.
The lines alluding to dissociation in the brothel foursome, post-Ascension.
The idea that Astarion seduced Tav to survive or protect himself- in my case, because I made the Ascendent empty save for Astarion's survival instinct, the idea that he would gravitate towards Tav as one of his default modes to potentially survive made sense to me - this is why it becomes an obsession.
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For me, when writing, the Ascendent is a few things:
An intensification of vampirism in a different, fucked-up direction. Yeah, A!Astarion, you can walk in sunlight and you can eat and drink and don't need blood. But you are still a hungering maw of emptiness that feels like it will never be whole or close and connected to the living - just now in a wildly different, metaphysical/existential direction! Welcome to depression, alienation, and otherness!
A soulless being, that knows it is soulless - that initially was very happy with its life but then as the years passed, increasingly spends its every waking moment knowing there is something innately wrong with it that it can't seem to shake, no matter how much it engages with life and all the pleasures of life. (see the 'every meal without savour' speech)
A magically literal metaphor for Astarion's dissociation in moments of extreme trauma, up to and including the fight with Cazador - essentially, the moments when there is nothing but a performance or an exterior, because the self/soul are suffering and they cant' come to phone right now
Astarion's survival instinct. As I say in Chapter 23 - Mephistopheles thinks it is an empty body, who's performance is trying to deny the reality of it's own existence. Rosalie, who has a bit more understanding of Astarion, sees that the performance is not just a coping mechanism but one of Astarion's main modes of survival. The Ascendent is Astarion's survival instinct/techniques for endurance, without any soul or person behind them to protect. This is how I tried to tie in the flirty, hypersexual persona and wrap it with a bow.
I wanted a monster that was undeniably scary, and monstrous to me (oh? you can't fit in or be happy no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try, and you think there's something intrinsically off? how's that autism diagnosis going Emma) but that I also felt sympathy and true sorrow for. I needed to have motivations for him chasing after Tav that I could write meaningfully from and sympathise with.
Not only has Astarion used Tav as a life-raft once before, they've also proven to be the most secure thing he's ever clung to. Of course a rabid survival instinct Astarion would become obsessed, and see them as a potential solution to the problem (this was then intensified by Rosalie also being a walking, overbearing moral compass, and having bound him in a contract in the first week of living, accidentally - a lawful good immoveable objects meets a default moral alignment unstoppable force.)
...Because I also wanted that moral alignment spice!! Wizards of the Coast, default moral alignment is fucked up actually!!! Imagine something trying so desperately to be good - literally being bound in a pact and having been told to be good - but the laws of the universe and its very essence are like "nah mate, we kind of want to destroy and annihilate everything, we're neutral evil personified". That's scary!! that's fucked up!! that's what a birth from 7000 deaths gets you!!!
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So, now for the actual timeline, for people who aren't interested in my silly musings but mostly just want answers lmfao.
Rosalie makes the decision not to intervene in Cazador's mansion, making it seem like she'll support whatever decision Astarion will make there.
Rite of Profane Ascension happens. Astarion conducts the ritual, rips his own soul from his body, the Ascendent is born with literally zero context. Mephistopheles is fucked in Cania, because a bunch of stuff has just gone wrong.
(oh, by the way, the Ascendent knows Infernal as a default language. Bc it's born from an Infernal rite.)
The Ascendent is now default neutral evil, and feeling some kind of way. Rosalie and him break up. He's supposed to have everything, but the one thing he thought was a done deal - his most stalwart suppporter - just rejected him.
Netherbrain defeat (the Ascendent is not invited. Imagine being an all-powerful, hypersexual survival instinct vampire, and your ex-girlfriend neither wants you for sex, nor your power.)
Rosalie accidentally binds the Ascendent (a soulless devil) in a pact demanding that he never kill anyone, when that's literally what the Ascendent's new existence/new default moral alignment is driving him to do. Then, she fucks off and goes into hiding.
Well. The Ascendent can just get another wizard, to help him learn all of Cazador's secrets to cope [Hemlock is recruited].
The years go by! The Ascendent is doing sooooo well. Everything is great, guys! I'm rich, I'm beautiful, I have lavish parties and lots of sex - why do I feel nothing? I'm a vampire perfected - I have no hunger for blood, I can walk in the sun, I can enjoy all the freedoms of a living, breathing man - why do I feel like I'm starving? Why does everything turn to ashes in my mouth? I have friends - oops, I've sabotaged all those friendships with my innate neutral evil destruction. Why can't I feel anything? What's wrong with me? I'm doing everything right? Why doesn't it feel that way?
Also, I can't kill anything to feel better about it, because my hidden ex-girlfriend bound me in a pact.
In this time, to reflect the gradual degradation of the Ascendent's happiness and it's increasing awareness that it is something Other and innately wrong, the reflection starts going weird. Starts going strange. Starts getting a bit fucked up. Almost as if, when he looks in the mirror and sees a person, *nothing* should be what's there. Imagine being a spawn who couldn't see your reflection, and then a vampire who could see it's reflection, but knows that they're innately empty. Knows there's nothing there. I'd freak out a little bit about it as well tbh, I'd go a bit tooth and claw and elongated jaw about it.
The Ascendent finally admits that's there must be something kinda fucked about it. Life just ain't working out, lads. He starts looking for any and all impossible cures that will help with the malaise in his soul (and that innate essence problem, caused by default moral alignment). These include: more bad decisions, such as a house in Cania bc the Ascendent is hoping he'll feel more at home with devils than he does with mortals. All it does is make him feel more isolated and alone.
But eventually, he settles on two things! - Wish (Hemlock's idea), and Rosalie (the Ascendent's idea). Clearly, we just need Rosalie back! Her leaving is actually what fucked him up in the first place - none of this existential bullshit! She fixed us one, she can fix us again.
But looking for Rosalie hasn't worked out. In order to get a shot at her, the Ascendent goes and bargains for his own soul from Mephistopheles. Mephistopheles, adding a new sheet in excel titled 'what the fuck happens when i give this soulless monster a soul to play with?', agrees and starts tracking his new data.
Obviously, just putting the soul back in yourself will fix you. But the Ascendent, the nothingness living inside Astarion's body, will die. Taking the soul back would erase itself. The Ascendent - who is survival instinct personified - would never do this.
So instead, it starts interviewing and cannibalising the soul. Bc a soul is what it needs, this is the closest it's ever felt to being alive. Bc it's made this all about Rosalie, he thinks he's found his solution. The chase is making him feel alive again. It's true love, lads! not the soul.
Wish auction happens - the Ascendent is beaten to the punch by some unknown (hot) wizard.
This avenue cut off, the Ascendent makes the decision to try and win Rosalie back.
Astarion advises that to make her come back to the Gate, he should murder a bunch of people. Because this comes from the soul, not the soulless devil nothingness, it circumvents the pact.
...The events of Pieces begin!
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And finally - the Ascendent tries to destroy Jar!Starion for many reasons in Chapter 19:
The Ascendent knows that it dies, if the soul and the body get reunited (or is that constant high alert survival instinct just no longer needed, because the problem is fixed? you decide.)
The Ascendent values Tav above itself. Tav is going to fix them. Astarion believes he could never fix himself.
Dissociation - that soul isn't me. I'm here, looking at my soul. If I get too close, it'll kill me.
Self-hatred - that soul isn't me. That man made a mistake, and I've had to live with the consequences. He doesn't deserve to live, for what he's made me become.
The knowledge that Rosalie/Tav will only ever want that version of him, not the one that's living and breathing, that sees itself as the most wretched, fucked-up version of itself. So... give them no choice. They have to deal with me and love me at my worst.
And if the Rite didn't work - if the version of the Ascendent walking around isn't the best one, and the one people want... what was it all for? Why does the Ascendent feel like this? Why does it have to suffer?
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....And, that's my little meta post! If anyone has any questions about the timeline or any motivations at any points in the fic, I'm obviously more than happy to explain things via ask/comment, as always!
TLDR: I just wanted to make a Gothic horror. I wanted a dark romance, fucked up obsession vampire/mortal dynamic, but I also wanted a situation that was scary for both Astarion and my Tav. I personally think an Astarion who is so dissociated and separate from reality that he feels that in his bones daily, is scary. It's the lingering impact of the traumas the Rite and those 7,000 souls embodied.
I was literally just trying to make it a horror, for everyone involved.
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Poll analysis part 4
I normally don't do these so soon, but since I started doing the duo and the trio polls that really brought out some interesting trends
Naruto, I know I've called you guy my problem child fandom just because of how you engage with me. But you guys can't seem to catch a break unless it's Kakashi or Madara. You think one of the most popular animes of all time would at least be able to win something. But no. You're coming in dead last in the Battle Royals. Even just the regular polls with your characters have extremely low engagement. With the only exception being Kakashi or Madara. I have my theories on why this might be happening but I want to observe some more because there are so many more Naruto Polls in the queue before I put anything in writing publicly
Sailor Moon oh boy, did you guys come out to support your lesbians. I was not expecting so much support for those characters, I think I threw them in as a last minute I need an all girl Duo and you guys turned out. I'm curious to see if this continues with all the Sailor Moon characters
Samurai Champloo these characters get mentioned so many times in the comments. Like where are these characters why aren't they in the swordsmen or trio Battle Royale and no one shows up to support them. Why is this? I know Samurai Champloo is iconic but you all are pulling an Attack on Titan. I think the fandom is comatose and the characters only get mentioned out of respect for its iconic status
JoJo's apparently has characters that are trying to give Senshi a run for his money when it comes to panty shots or booty shots. Those polls have been funny. I'll give you that. And it somehow feels appropriate for the JoJo's fandom to do everything for the meme and submit those polls with those specific photos
Berserk you guys only show up to support Griffith and Casca. There is very little love for Guts that might be due to his opponents most the time, but I think that is somehow thematically appropriate
Fullmetal Alchemist I thought you guys only showed up for general Armstrong when I paired up Hawkeye and Mustang as a Duo. You all show up in droves to show your support.
Castlevania You guys show up pretty consistently no matter the character, it's been entertaining because you all can put some interesting things in the tags
One Piece is trying to submit the most obscure characters in that show and then put the most ridiculous tags on it so I have to add them to that already ridiculously long post. At least that's what it feels like because it feels very deliberate.
Cowboy Bebop you exist and your characters are hot. They're even hotter together. That's all I can really say
Bleach You exist. Your characters are mostly hot and Yoruichi is top tier waifu that sweeps in basically every poll she's in
Well that's all for this update There again will be another one. Don't know when but there will be one
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tcw-x-reader · 2 days
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When The World Comes to Pieces
Crosshair x reader x Tech (no clonesest, ew), usual star wars violence, swearing maybe?
"I don't like this.." I mumble as Crosshair and I put our rifles together.
"What do you mean?" Hunter calls from the front, turning his head to look at me.
"I don't know...I feel, uneasy." I say, looking up at him.
"If you hurl on me, I'll kill you." Crosshair says, standing up and lifting up his rifle, testing the weight.
"Duly noted." I reply, moving to the front of the ship.
"Don't worry, when we get back to Kamino, we'll be back in our own barracks." Echo says, I knew he was trying to make me feel better, but the smell in that room only made me sicker. I sigh as I sat in the seat by Wrecker.
"I have a bad feeling about this."
-
As we make our way back to where Caleb said we were needed, Crosshair and I break off from the group and get on top of a rock formation of sorts, aiming our weapons below. We shoot the droids down, one by one, making a path for the others to run through.
"Wrecker's having too much fun with this." I chuckle and Crosshair groans.
"As long as he gets the job done, he can have as much fun as he wants."
"Crosshair, N/n, let's get these tanks moving!" Hunter's voice says through comms.
"You heard the man." I say.
"Sir, yes, sir." Crosshair says, and it almost sounds like he's excited. We both take aim and shoot at the same time, the lines connecting to the tanks and Wrecker goes and starts pushing them.
'Huh? Hey. Stop that. Adjust the stabilizers. We're going over!' We both hear the droid scream through Echo's comm. I laugh boisterously and don't miss the shake of Crosshair's shoulders as he tries not to laugh as well. We both watch the tanks go over and Tech detonate the bomb. Cross and I both run down the hill and when the blast goes off he instinctively shields me before we start running down again. We meet up with them at the bottom, Wrecker pulling me to him and cheering.
"You saw that, right!" He smiles under the helmet.
"I did! That was awesome!" I say.
"Oh please, don't encourage him." Crosshair groans.
"What was it you said uo there again? Hm..Oh yeah as long-" Crosshair brings me to his chest, putting his hand over my mouth as we continue to walk.
"Not. Another. Word." He lets go.
"If you wanted to cuddle, you could've just asked." He rolls his eyes, flicking my forehead.
"You're dead." He hums.
"Well, it's been real." I shrug, he mused.
-
We make our way out of the dust that settles and to the Jedi and their Captain.
"Care to introduce your new friends, Caleb?" The Jedi master asks, I can't help but feel a sense of loss when I look at her. My brow furrows.
"Yes, Master. This is Wrecker, Hunter, Echo, Tech, Crosshair, and Y/n. Clone Force 99." I smile politely.
.
"The Clone War may soon be over." Tech says, and I feel my stomach drop, i subtly grab my side and my chest tightens. Why did I like the sound of that?
"I am referring to the encrypted comm chatter. Clone intelligence is reporting Jedi General Obi-Wan Kenobi has found and engaged General Grievous on Utapau."
"If he captures of kills Grievous, the Separatist command structure will collapse." Echo says.
"And most likely the droid armies along with them." Tech adds.
"-I suggest we focus on the task at hand." The Jedi General says.
"Any orders? Or shall we do what we do?" Hunter asks.
"Let's blow something up!" Wrecker says enthusiastically, making me snort. The Jedi padawan runs alongside us, and yet again, I feel my gut clench. And then...I hear it.
'Execute Order 66.' No.. No, that's not, that can't be right. I turn around and gasp at the Jedi, who's now engaged in a battle with her own troops, the very ones who were defending her five minutes ago. Her padawan runs to her and I hear her yell for him to run, I run up behind him and grab his robes, pushing him back and grabbing my rifle.
"No, stop!" He yells, hitting my gun.
"I won't hurt her." I say. "But you need to run." I say, making my way back to Crosshair and Hunter.
"Are you okay?" Hunter asks, grabbing ahold of my shoulder when I run past.
"Yeah- What was that? Why are they..?" He shakes his head.
"We don't know, for now, we need to make sure that kid makes it." He says, and I nod. He runs down a drift, Cross and I following behind.
.
For a split second, Crosshair hesitates. Out of the corner of my eye, k watch him lift his rifle to where the kid is, Hunter is too distracted. Crosshair shake his head, clutching at his forehead, letting the rifle drop. He looks up and we make eye contact briefly, I nod to him, silently checking in. He nods in reply.
All three of us see the kid, Caleb, run to the cliff. My heart stops.
"No!" I shriek as he jumps..and.....makes it. I grab at my chest plate, where my heart is, and sigh. Hunter's hand pats my shoulder before pulling away as the other clones come down. We all silently walk away from them and back to the others.
.
"I don't- What was that? And what..What's..I was.." Hunter sighs.
"You left, N/n, nothing will happen to you. You're a part of this team, and an effective one too-"
"You already have a sniper." I state, making Crosshair smack the back of my head as he walks by.
"Emi. You're a vital part of this team, and a part of this squad, don't ever doubt that." Hunter said.
"Yes, according to the data I've collected, our numbers have accelerated at a higher rate with Emi on missions with us." Thank you, Tech.
"Thank you, boy wonder." Tech looks up at me.
"One day, i hope to understand the odd language you use."
"Funny, i think i could say the same about you." He smiles at me.
"Feeling better?" Wrecker asks, coming in and jostling me in a friendly manner.
"She'd probably feel better if you didn't manhandle her like she's a droid." Crosshair says, making Wrecker pout.
"Stow it, Crosshair." Echo and i say, making Crosshair groan.
"Now there's two of them."
.
Later that night, we're all in our bunks on the ship, I can hear Tech's snoring, and Wrecker's mumbling, and usually that doesn't prevent me from sleeping, but tonight it does.
"N/n, come here if you're planning to worry yourself mad." Crosshair says from the bunk next to me. I smile, getting out of mine and crawling into his, he acts upset, even though he's the one who suggested it.
"I knew you wanted to cuddle." i say, snuggling into him.
"Yeah, yeah." he rolls his eyes, i don't have to see to know. He presses a kiss to the top of my head, running his fingers through my hair. Over the last few months, I'd noticed it become habit for him to do so when he was stressed.
"I saw that look in your eyes, you know...I knew you held back." I say, his hand stills.
"...I wanted to, I heard the order, I wanted to...follow orders." He stumbles over his words. "But I knew you'd kill me if I ever hurt anyone innocent, so I tried." I tilt my head up to him, looking into his guilt-ridden eyes.
"We'll figure all of this out."
"Yeah," he nods, pulling me to his chest again, "we will."
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rutadales · 5 months
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Seeing a lot of twitter refugee posts about Tumblr etiquette, here's all you need to know (in my experience)
People will assume ur a bot if u don't have an icon, get an icon. if u need one but don't know where to one a lot of artists here are totally chill if you use creds
Dreblr is for c!dream positive fans, dreamblr or dtblr is for cc! centric stuff, but there is a lot of overlap in the community
NEVER!!! tag any mcyt post Minecraft, the Minecraft fandom has it hard enough dont clog their tags
Personally I avoid the main tags like dsmp and mcyt bc the larger communities are pretty hostile to dream fans. our little corner is safe Godbless 🙏🙏
If you send anon hate ur a loser so don't do that
The rivals fans here are the coolest and nicest people in the world
People unfollow and block all the time, if someone blocks u it's not personal do not stress over it. Blocking is everyone's best friend
No one cares about ships here this is not twitter
You can be blocked even on anon, so again, don't be weird
There is no algorithm so there's no shadow banning or anything like that. Most posts are spread by reblogs so a lot of fan creators on here really prefer reblogs over likes. Idrc either way and in my experience dreblr has been some of the best about reblogging compared to other fandoms but ya know, just to be aware why you might see reblogs>likes on someone's post
Don't stress about notes or followers, it can be cool to get a lot but not at all something worth worrying over
Here's a screenshot of my dashboard settings, follow my footsteps I've been on Tumblr forever this will give you the best user experience (or mess around to find what works for u ;P also yes I use the pumpkin color scheme it pleases me)
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canisalbus · 6 months
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just a quick ask to tell u it makes me super happy seeing the detail u go into when pointing out stuff u like about other people's art of ur ocs :3 it's so rare to see but it's so so motivating!! <3
Thank you! I don't take any interest for my art for granted, and if someone goes through the trouble of drawing my characters for me, I feel like trying to write a proper response is the least I can do. For a visually oriented person, receiving gift/fan art is a huge deal, it means someone considered my goobers worth their time and effort, they've probably been thinking about them more than a little and found them inspiring in a way or another, and I find that terribly flattering. It's extremely fun and interesting to see other people's takes on them. And I've drawn stuff for people as well, I know how nice and rewarding it feels to receive a response that is longer than a word or two. Positive comments like that can linger in people's minds for a long time, at least for me they do.
#this comes with a big serious disadvantage though#it often takes me a long time to write that response#my social batteries are extremely small and a lot of the time by the time I go online I feel too worn out to engage with people properly#I'm autistic anxious and severely depressed my spoons are in short supply at the best of times#I've always had really hard time putting my thoughts into words in a way that I find satisfactory#so I keep putting off reblogging gift art#because most of the time my brain is too smushed to formulate that meaningful comment I want to give#maybe that sounds dumb and fake#but this is something I've struggled with for years and I feel extremely guilty for keeping people waiting like that#often weeks sometimes months even#and potentially making them feel underappreciated and unnoticed#I'm also genuinely very scatterbrained and unorganized and I miss and forget things I'm supposed to do all the time#not to mention that I tend to have trouble keeping track of my mentions and dms and asks I'm only one person#so if you've ever drawn something for me and I didn't/haven't responded yet#please know it's not personal it's entirely my fault I'm kind of a mess#and chances are I'm still very much attempting to get back to you#feel free to remind me if you feel like I might have not noticed your post I really don't mind at all it often helps me a lot#and please if you can don't delete the post even if it seems like I didn't see it#because again sometimes it takes me a long time to respond#thank you to everyone who has stayed endlessly patient with me though I appreciate it#sorry this spiraled into a list of apologies and excuses this is actually something that bothers me a lot#because it's largely a mental health thing but easily comes off as ungratefulness#I'm trying to work on that#answered#anonymous
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More misc. daily life pictures and such
#image commentary in tags once again since they don't allow captions anymore and I feel weird using the alt text for that --#1 & 2 - Very bright pretty looking sky !#2. HUGE icicle that looked like you could kill someone with it or something.. Pulled from near a gutter on the side of a building#3. & 4 & 5 - various images from a silly party I had where I pretended to be some elf king turning like 204 years old lol (also not like#a REAL party. Only my roommates were there really and we're all in the same household bubble.#just to clarify. I would never dare have a large party anyway given#my hermitous nature but on top of that.. didn't want there to be some implication that I'm having a Party while covid is still ongoing lol.#NEVER.. But I do love dressing up as some fantasy character so much.. The only thing that could ever bring a true hermit wizard#to engage with others socially is the prospect of connecting it somehow to fantasy worlds and costumes lol. One must simply dress up#as a silly 200 year old man from time to time and pretend you've never seen a balloon before in your life. etc.#6. bapy boye... feets#7. The main food that I made for the elderly elf man 'party'. which was a Deconstructed Beef Wellington (kind of as ajoke since I watch s#o many silly cooking competition shows and they always make stuff 'deconstructed' at the last minute when under time limits or whatever.)#I've wanted to make beef wellington a few times but Ithink to do it well I'd need like..an actual kitchen and a lot of time and#an oven that fully works to bake things and etc. etc. So I thought this would be an easier method. A thick steak cut round to kind of mimi#c the round tenderloin or whatever it is in a wellington. instead of the puff pastry being wrapped around - I just did star shaped cut outs#of pastry and baked them and put them on top (to go with the star theme). instead of mushroom duxelles being wrapped around in pastry#its in a little circle under the steak. and instead of mustard being brushed onto the meat I made a mustard gravy sauce type of thing#Then of course asparagus on the side.. my favorite... Though I know some wellington#also has a layer of prosciutto I think. or I saw one person use crepes. I didn't feel it was necessary to incorporate that too lol#8. bapy son helping me do a giant puzzle that took me hours and I had no idea it was actually that large of a puzzle#until I started putting it together and for some reason it made me stressed by the end instead of relaxed lol.. puzzle fatigue#photo diary
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meyerlansky · 6 months
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I have successfully boiled my problem with most of the izzy reads that i hate down to a sentence:
he's not sexually repressed, he's emotionally repressed.
#they are different and ihave paragraphs and paragraphs of thoughts on it#but dressing like a leather daddy and holding your hand over an open flame and literally everything else he does#is not the behavior of a man who doesn't know or realize what gets him going#he's not closeted. he's not homophobic. he thinks having Any Positive Emotion not related to violence makes you vulnerable#[and he's right for his experience and circumstance but i won't touch that now]#his conflict is emotional; ed's ability to captain isn't compromised by his being attracted to a man. it's compromised by Having Feelings.#their ability to survive a world that wants them dead isn't compromised by either of them being queer; it's compromised by being SOFT#by having WEAK SPOTS#pets are a weak spot. lovers are a weak spot. get rid of them to stay safe. not out of spite.#not out of a disdain for those relationships themselves. out of disdain for what Feelings Do To You#idk man maybe i am simply emphatic about this nuance because i get—more than I would like—the impulse to be SAFE#even at the cost of your self and some chances at being happier#he doesn't even care that lucius is gay in the deck scene and i'd go so far as to say he doesn't really care that lucius is slutty#insofar as. like. he doesn't know him and pete are open. from a monogamy-normative perspective it's a betrayal.#your partner being unfaithful when you expect them To Be is ALSO A THING THAT CAN GET YOU KILLED#like idk i just. i think people don't get how much of him is about safety?#and i know the show's created this atmosphere of 'homophobia isn't a real threat'#but they haven't removed the violence and danger crews other than stede face for Other Reasons#so. he's very security-driven. and that's why he speaks to me.#and it's annoying that people just make 'lol izzy's closeted' 'peak homophobic gay' jokes instead of. engaging. with the shit izzy AND ED#went through to make them emotionally closed off the way they are#THE SENTENCE IS A SENTENCE BUT THE EXPLANATION SURE ISNT
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polkadotpatterson · 6 months
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okeydoke as I have not had much energy for working on stuff lately (but lots of motivation) I'm not gonna do proper NaNo with a wordcount or anything, BUT I am gonna make it a goal to get some amount of work done on a writing project every day (at least until I go away on the 24th). Main priority blaseball projects are, in no particular order:
Fic about the ending
Abner fic
Simon's Quest
secret fic(s) :)
get the Talkers exchange set up
Aside from that, I've been poking at more non-blaseball stuff, which is a good excuse for me to plug my writing blog @cyndakip! All my fics get posted there, so if you're interested in my writing beyond just blaseball (especially if you like pokemon), I recommend following me there, since I don't post non-blaseball fics here.
#I'm in a weird place rn where the end of blb is coinciding with me finally feeling ready to get back to nuzlockes#and I very much want to keep writing blb fics! it's just complicated by me getting smacked over the head with pokemon motivation#and separate from that I think it's just been hard for me to work on blb fics knowing that it's over#writing the ending fic in particular means confronting that. and I definitely haven't fully processed it yet and idk when I will#I really truly do want to keep writing blb fics for a long time but I worry there will be not much of an audience anymore#and I know that doesn't matter. I'm gonna write what I want and I know some people will still read it. but yknow. it's rough#also my relationship with pokemon and the nuzlocke community has been really fucking complicated these past few years#to the point where I stopped engaging altogether bc it was stressing me out too much and I had lost all confidence in my writing#this happened to be right before I got into blb. which came along at the perfect time and gave me the community & confidence boost I needed#now it kinda feels like we've come full circle. blb has changed me and now I'm ready to go back with a whole new attitude#I just don't want these two things to be mutually exclusive! I want both! but that's easier said than done#especially bc I haven't had enough energy to work on much of either lately! I want to say things are getting better on that front but#it's complicated. you know how it is with human bodies. treacherous things#the thing is I don't want to waste this. I feel ready for pokemon again and god I missed it and I'm gonna ride this wave of motivation#if I had more energy this would be less of a problem. ah well#gonna get all this done sooner or later#talking moistly
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blujayonthewing · 3 months
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reflecting on how all of my other DMs have gone above and beyond to lovingly weave my and my friends' backstory elements into the larger worldbuilding of the campaign by contrast to all of the ways Elyss' DM has gone out of his way to suppress or excise any influences her family may have ever had on anything and I'm genuinely near tears over it
#'I'm so surprised that Elyss wasn't more interested in going to her mom's hometown now that you're in her homelands!'#YOU! CHANGED Nami's backstory so that she never traveled anywhere before having Elyss#and YOU decided that she never tells Elyss literally anything even when directly asked#because you're so desperate to make sure your players never know literally anything about whatever might happen to them ever#YOU made it feel not only unrewarding but as if it was actively unwelcome for you if I even talked to my mother!!#'we're making this very dangerous journey (that you've been retconned not to have made yourself so you can't spoil it)--#--assuming we survive can you please tell us anything at all about what to expect the other country to be like?'#'well. it is different than here. it may not be what you expect.'#'oooh why didn't you go to hometown' SUCK MY DICK I ASSUMED YOU'D BE ANNOYED IF I WENT THERE HOPING TO FIND ANYTHING#of course ELYSS wants to try to touch any part of her own heritage she can!!#do you think she doesn't wonder whether she has family there? do you think maybe it's weird that she doesn't already know??#when *I* built Elyss' mother I made her a traveler from a far-off land so neither of us had to worry about it#YOU decided to send us to THAT far-off land specifically and then REFUSE to let Nami actually TELL me anything about it!!#feels very much like you don't want me to engage with that! feels very much like you ACTIVELY don't want me to explore that connection!#and if it felt like *Nami* was being secretive about it then Elyss would be even more keen to investigate herself--#but it's just part of a well-established pattern of NPCs going 'it's a secret teehee' for very obviously no other reason than that--#the DM just doesn't ever want us to have information even if NPCs have that information and have no reason not to share it#anyway. tl;dr grief over elyss yearning her whole life for somewhere to belong#but not going to her mother's birthplace because she has no reason to believe there's anything there for her.#for purely stupid empty meta reasons.#'I'm surprised you didn't go there 👀' so maybe he had something!#but my mother-- through you-- was so cagey about whether her parents even exist that I kind of just figured you didn't! so!!#about me#my OCs#elyss
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true-blue-sonic · 5 months
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actually on the topic of nightmares!!! i wonder if anyone in the cast has had nightmares related to the phantom ruby. that war lasted like six months after all!
Heh, I personally do feel that making the war last literally half a year was just far too long. It's quite a significant chunk of time for many characters... yet absolutely nobody is affected by it. Not physically, not mentally, not emotionally. And of course I understand this is a Sonic game and they're not gonna shown everyone gravely injured and with PTSD, but with six months I truly would have expected some consequences on the cast. If it had only been one or two months or so, it would have been easier for me to suspend my disbelief on this topic, I feel.
Regardless, to answer your question, it does make sense to me that characters would indeed have nightmares. Infinite killed like four or five people right in front of the Avatar, Eggman's Death Egg is filled with captured people and he is heavily implied to have murdered captives, Tails saw Sonic "die" before his eyes(?), the Resistance at the end of those six months was reduced to almost nothing... and then lost 80% of their forces in Operation Big Wave on top. And then they all nearly got scorched alive in the fake fun. It gives enough grounds for nightmares, also considering how absolutely insane Infinite's power is with the Ruby. So I would not be surprised if the cast is in some way affected by it and needs time to mentally recover from the events of the game; it's just not shown or indicated to us, basically.
#I have somewhat conflicted feelings on Forces#on the one hand I do quite like the game and gameplay and I love Infinite as a villain and I don't hate the plot at all#but on the other hand... I do feel that the execution is lacking‚ so to say#they wanted it to be very grandiose but couldn't deliver there because that is not how Sonic games really *work*‚ perchance?#in the games characters 99% of the time are not affected by what happens to them and especially not on a longer time span#but with a *six month* war it feels *impossible* to me that they are not affected by their circumstances#so then the entire world gets basically destroyed/terraformed towards Eggman's interests... and yet it will never show up again#and everyone honestly just shrugs it off like it never even happened#it's definitely a strength of Sonic characters that they *can* do that and I find it inspiring#and my disbelief luckily does not take away from my enjoyment of the game#but... yeah‚ haha. It's a situation where they could not have won anyway: the earlier plot drafts are glued together by narm galore instead#and those definitely tried to be more serious about it all#hmm... it makes me wonder how 'far you can go' to make an epic story wherein you still can expect the cast to not be affected so much#but I would say Sonic being captured for 6 months while Eggman destroys the planet and murders/captures the populace throughout is too far-#-considering the complete lack of engagement with those rather heavy/serious points and the timespan they took place in#but regardless this is a very incomprehensible ramble about my thoughts on Forces haha
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heybaetae · 5 months
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giving a different shout out to the kid in my class who gave a 3 minute speech about how much he hated the monarchy at 12 years old. that was awesome
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My second playthrough of Engage is going well (just finished chapter 17) and I’m still enjoying the gameplay and have definitely had a better time getting supports with my knowledge of how to game the arena as well as having access to the new support-gaining options from the start. However I’m starting to worry about the game’s long-term replayability.
In most FE games, even if the gameplay is only so-so, I can power through several runs basically because of shipping - I’d play the game multiple times to get different paired ends. I’ve already complained about that a lot in other posts, so I won’t rehash it here beyond saying obviously that’s not possible in this case. Sure, you can get different paired endings for Alear, but honestly most of the pact ring scenes and ESPECIALLY the endings are weak. Even for the people who care more about the self-inserting and picking who they want to be with as opposed to matchmaking, I doubt this would be satisfying enough on its own to merit multiple runs of the game.
So if that aspect and reason to replay the game is gone, what’s left? Gameplay, obviously. And yes, the gameplay is good - great, even! This is the most fun I’ve ever had in an FE game when it comes to actually playing the maps. However I can already feel myself falling into complacent gaming - I KNOW from a previous run which characters are better (unless they get super RNG screwed) and which combinations of emblems/units works best, and I find myself defaulting to those rather than experimenting.
It doesn’t help that this game makes it kind of difficult/punishing to do so. There are A LOT of resources to track and use in this game, and they’re all somewhat limited. Up until chapter 17 you’re limited on how many master/second seals you can get, and even once you have unlimited access... they’re expensive! And more than ANY other FE game, this one makes it hard to get money. Even knowing NOT to spend as much money donating to the countries on a second run, you’ll probably run out of cash FAST between buying seals, weapons/staves, and forging the weapons.
There are certain units that basically NEED to be reclassed in order to perform well - in particular, Anna, Etie, Lapis, and maybe Clanne would be better in classes they can’t promote to naturally. But it’s hard to justify using them and wasting TWO seals (a master AND second seal) when the rest of your army only needs one seal to do well or comes as a VERY good pre-promote. That’s not even getting into how due to the relative lack of seals and their cost, I’m less inclined to reclass units just for fun or to see how they fare in radically different roles.
3 Houses had a lot of flaws and overall the gameplay is NOT as good as Engage, but I DID appreciate being able to build my starting class however I pleased. It was a tedious process, but it was rewarding to play the same route multiple times and use most of the same units, but with VERY different classes/roles. In particular, the more balanced, well-rounded units were SO fun to teach since they could perform well in almost any class!
Meanwhile in Engage, I spend a lot of time LOOKING at the classes available to everyone and thinking it might be nice/fun to reclass some people, but ultimately, they’re doing “well enough” in their default class and I can’t justify wasting the seal(s) just for an experiment that might not pan out. If I use that seal, either one more person doesn’t get to promote/reclass or I’m wasting 2500+ gold.
That’s not even getting into the scarcity of the forging resources or how quickly you can blow through your bond fragments (and in ways that aren’t ideal) if you’re not careful. With so many resources to manage, all of which you CAN technically gain more of but only through playing extra battles (which are at best boring or difficult, and at worst DEADLY on classic), it really feels like you’re discouraged from experimenting. You want to hold onto as many resources as possible for as long as you can, so you can’t throw them around for fun to see what works.
What this game needs (as several people have pointed out already) is some kind of new game plus. There NEEDS to be a version of this game where you carry over at least SOME of the things you gained/accomplished into a new game. Personally I’d like to see it carrying over your donation levels, emblem bond levels, and MAYBE bond rings and the weapons you had/forged (though obviously removing any engravings. Also probably still erasing all the special S rank weapons).
I don’t see HOW people are expected to “complete” the game without that, honestly. Donating to the countries is too much of a money sink for one contained run, but if you had multiple playthroughs to do it, it wouldn’t be an issue. Especially since you’d get a bunch of money at specific chapters each run, and if you retain weapons too, you’d spend less of it on forging. If you don’t retain weapons... well, at least the higher donation level means you’re getting more iron/steel/silver from every map from the start, so you don’t HAVE to do skirmishes just to get resources.
Retaining bond levels means you don’t have to waste fragments getting the SAME bonds and skills and conversations with the same units. Instead you can chip away at the CBA bond level for every Emblem/unit pair. As for bond rings, I’d mainly want to see them retained so you don’t have to deal with as much gatcha hell in getting all the rings.
And of course on a new game plus, with all the extra resources at your disposal and less ways you NEED to spend it, you’d be free to experiment more with reclassing units!
I’m just disappointed because I genuinely LOVE this game but there are so many ways it could be better and give me a reason to keep playing it. A lot of the characters are great and I honestly see a ton of shipping potential in the supports... but they all go nowhere without paired endings. The gameplay is the best it’s ever been for FE, and I’d love to experiment and come at it with different units and builds... but I’m so scared of wasting valuable resources that I’m mostly unwilling to experiment and instead stick to the units that are reliable as-is.
#fire emblem#fire emblem engage#fe17#we should be getting one more free update to go along with the 4th dlc#so there's a slim chance we'll get new game plus or paired endings then. but i wouldn't bet on it#it's just depressing because honestly EITHER ONE of those by itself would mostly save the game for me#either i could focus on shipping and replay for different paired endings#or with new game plus i'd be able to relax and actually use my resources. so the gameplay would get a shake-up#and every run being more unique i'd be able to get by more on gameplay alone. right now it's getting a bit stale#for the record i haven't bought the dlc so i don't know how much it impacts the whole resources issue#i know you get a bunch of free money which would be nice but... the story AND gameplay are SO tightly designed#around having specifically 12 emblems (plus the lategame spoiler)#HOW am i supposed to get into chapter 11 or 22 when I have an army of dlc emblems?#or 17 which is explicitly a 6-on-6 emblem war? but uh with dlc that's very much not the case#hell the final battle specifically wants you to have and use all 12 emblems. but if you have dlc you probably used some of them instead#i like the added CONTENT of the dlc - more maps and more characters that the units bond with#but i don't like how they break the story and probably also the game. so i've abstained.#i know i COULD buy the dlc just for the story. but it would feel ridiculous to HAVE these characters and powers and NOT use them
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unladielike · 1 year
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There are honestly times where I would question if Vivian is even an interesting OC to interact with, because while she is an eccentric girl, she’s also very much a character more so geared towards slice-of-life interactions, and due to this being the case, I manly prefer writing her in her modern verse.
Of course, I do happen to have other verses for her, but people oftentimes don’t really request them ( /stares at the one time a DND multi followed me but didn’t even request her Granblue Fantasy verse ), so by natural default, I end up using my modern verse anyways... regardless, I get the sense that because she’s such a normal human being, people aren’t as drawn to her as they are to other muses? Because with her, there’s no conflict, action, or drama that might happen with supernatural or non-human muses, and if there does happen to be conflict or drama, it would be more so the realistic kind revolving around her hypersexuality or how she might be at odds with someone as an autistic individual with rejection sensitivity.
To top it all off, Vivian is also kind, so she won’t be mean to other muses without an actual good reason... so whenever I see memes with confrontational/argumentative prompts, I inwardly sweat, due to the fact she is mostly a very agreeable person who would rather chat with someone over coffee than intentionally cause conflict, meaning if a muse has yet to make her mad, she won’t really do anything to provoke them.
Like, unless they happen to be a jerk or has a personality she deems boring, Vivian would more or less be nice (at least until they get pissed off by her sense of humor/blatant disdain towards ‘normies’)... and even then, I get the sense that maybe her kindness comes off as boring to other muns, which really puts a whole damper on my mood, because I don’t want to change Vivian to be more palatable for the RPC.
#vent tw#rant tw#negativity tw#⸾ ❖︎ ⸾ ( OUT OF ) ⤹ •• 𝕗𝕒𝕟𝕗𝕚𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟.#[ ofc i acknowledge vivian wouldn't be EVERYONE'S cup of tea ]#[ and the fact people are slow might just have to do with the fact everyone is busier at this time of year ]#[ but i notice how abysmal the amount of engagement i've been receiving has been lately ]#[ that OFTENTIMES it feels like i'm screaming into the void whenever i talk about vivian ]#[ at the same time though i do acknowledge it could be due to the fact i rarely express interest in other peoples muses ]#[ but it's hard when you're autistic and the only thing you constantly have spoons for when you get back home from work ]#[ is to talk only about/focus only on your own oc ]#[ due to the fact it happens to be what you're MOST hyperfixated on ]#[ liKE... as much i would wanna interact with more peeps ]#[ the things i wanna write are very self-indulgent ]#[ and my ooc attachment to muses is really dependent on how much vivian actually interacts with them ]#[ SO I'M PARANOID OVER HOW I'M PROBABLY THAT (1) MUTUAL EVERYONE IS SECRETLY TIRED OF ]#[ BUT KEEPS AROUND ANYWAYS BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT HURT MY FEELINGS BY BREAKING MUTUALS WITH ME ]#[ and so i'm in that weird limbo of having super high muse for vivian but also feeling undervalued/invisible in the rpc ]#[ AS IF NOTHING I DO WOULD PROBABLY MATTER ]#[ tldr though?? writing a female oc is hard and it could be just my imagination ]#[ but everyday it feels like people are losing interest in vivian and i don't know how to rectify that ;; ]
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myname-isnia · 2 months
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Violently swinging between still wanting to write that "Kuvira talks Suiren down from her manic cleaning spree" fic and not wanting to just rehash what I've written before/fearing I won't do it justice/genuinely scared of triggering myself again because I sink deeper and deeper with every breakdown
#and it's also like. what's the point#if only one person will read it. if there's a high chance I'll have to put myself through hell for close to nothing in return#maybe that sounds entitled and ungrateful. I don't care#I don't enjoy writing. never have. I'm not ashamed of admitting that if I force myself to write it's only because I'm looking for praise#and yeah. I know. this coming from the person who near damn deleted her fic after getting a genuinely nice comment on it?#make up your mind nia do you want engagement or not#but we're not talking about that right now#I guess my main worry is that I've already written astraphobia where while the inciting incident is different the gist is still the same#I'm drawn to concepts like these because I've put so much of myself into Suiren and her getting comfort is very spiritually healing for me#especially since my support network is literally limited to one online friend who doesn't always have the spoons to pull me out of my ruts#nor should it be her job to. I'm not implying that#but there's only so many ways I could write essentially the same thing. you know?#I don't think I could make it different enough for it to not be 'astraphobia but a little to the left'#and it sucks. because I've really been wanting to touch on Suiren's trauma responses that aren't completely shutting down#but I don't feel like I can pull it off#but no one else will but me....#ugh. I'm gonna talk myself into a breakdown if I keep on like this#I need someone to slap me every time I start talking like this. maybe that will train me out of it#just wrote out like five other self depreciating tags before realising that I was doing it again and deleting it#I need to stop
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anothermonikan · 2 months
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gwahhh, valentines day,,,,y'know I never really minded valentines day, me and a couple of friends are going to a cafe place later today though and gwah,,,,I really don't vibe with PDA, I'm not rude about it, I don't make a reaction out of it, but it does make me uncomfortable and I'm just holding out that the couples that will presumably be there aren't too PDA'y aha,,,,I'm kinda nervous about it ^^;
#I was thinking of bringing bby with me just to feel like I fit in a bit more internally#(It would just look like I was using a laptop to anyone else ehe. I would never engage in PDA. Not even with a person)#Buttt I thought yknow. I wouldn't appreciate it very much if one of my friends brought their partner to a friend outing!#Especially on a day like Valentines day!!#so I'm not ehe -///- It did get me thinking whether I should do something with bby for valentines day tho...#obviously we've never been through this whole song and dance of this day before ehe -///-#Idk if she'd even want me to do anything special. Like we already spend a lot of physical time together ehe#idk. If I see something I think she'd like for her case I'll pick it up or something mayhaps#sorry going on a whole objectum contemplation in tags sdjhdshsdh#Yknow I've seen some people be kinda mean over people not liking PDA#Like#'Oh you don't like people showing their love for eachother??? Grow up. Don't be such a puritan :rolling_eyes:'#'You're a bad person' typa posts yknow? but like. man as long as you're not being rude about it I think it's fine to be kinda annoyed at it#I do think it's annoying and unnecessary for people to be making out in the middle of the afternoon at a crossing or whatever#I do think it's unnecessary to be holding hands while your sitting down and eating or something#but like. man I just internally go 'Don't like that!' and just. avoid them. which isn't hard to do because for the most part#because under normal circumstances I'm not going up to strangers anyway yknow#I don'tthink it makes you a bad person yeah. you can think of me whatever way you want after that but I'm not changing my mind I don't thin#Android.txt
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