#finally FINALLY got my ASD results today

[xyztrio721]

I don’t know if I should talk about any of this, but… here we go…

So… for anyone who’s stuck with me for the past year or two (which I doubt anyone did, but if you did… thank you), you’ll know that I had been going through a lot of therapy and filled out self-report forums to figure out if I have ADHD or not.

To recap, here was the first post I made in December of 2021, when I first began to suspect that I had ADHD.

Here is the second post I made in June of 2022, when I first went to therapy and filled out the self-report for ADHD. My dad also filled out a report based on his observations on my behavior when I was young.

And here is the final post I made in July of 2022, when I first began to suspect that I might have autism spectrum disorder (ASD). You’ll have to look in the tags to see what I said when I first began to suspect ASD as well as ADHD.

Well… it’s been over a year since I last provided an update on the ADHD/ASD situation. To make a long story short, after seeing my therapist for two years and seeing a psychiatrist for almost a year, I finally underwent a neuropsychological evaluation in July of this year to get a definitive diagnosis on any mental health or neurodevelopmental disorder I might have had.

Today, I got the results.

And I was right.

As of today, I’ve been officially diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. This revelation, despite the fact that I knew it was coming, still shocked me to my core.

What do I do now that I know the truth? Where do I go from here? Will my life change in any way now that I’ve been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD?

If anyone has any answers, feel free to tell me in the replies or in reblogs. As relieving as this diagnosis is, I will still need some time to process this information and figure out what I should do next.

[phantalgia]

Another Day of Feeling Sick...

Perhaps I should just use dates as journal entries. I’m not sure. Every thing I post feels more like a journal entry than anything else.

Is this chronically ill or will this just pass? That's something that is taking up my mind right now. So I made the booboo of staying up late last night and part of that was working on that last post. I don’t know why I needed to. I could have canned it for later.

Good Afternoon

I woke up at around 1 pm or just before it. I went to bed late as hell and I have to be up tomorrow early for my ultrasound. I really don’t feel good this morning. Maybe not the worst. But I just don’t feel good. I’m nauseous, slightly feverish, my body feels very sensitive (I don’t know how to describe it), and a little shakey.

Again, Ive been stuck like this since surgery earlier in the year and I think it's an extention of the Long Covid and possible long term POTS Ive had before. I’m still reluctant to call it POTS, it's just I don’t have any other way of calling it. I don’t have an official diagnosis. Long Covid is a yes for sure.

And now with getting Covid again I don’t know what to think. My mind just keeps doubting how I feel. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some hours are good, some bad. It's driving me nuts.

I just keep wondering what if this just blows over? What would it all have been for?

I Can't Stand the Medical Industry

I really cant. I mean when I feel sick it's just kind of like Ive been through this song and dance for two years with no end or answers in sight. I have a basic understanding of how the medical industry has been shaped by capitalism. Essentially reducing humans to how effeciently can we get people back to work. Frankly, this entire system has not even been able to do that for me, ever.

I Never Worked

I never worked and never managed to get my diploma. It's a long story, but I couldn't do it. Being institutionalized for mental health issues hasn't produced any results for me. In fact, insurance didn't want to pay anymore so I had to leave in the middle of being in out-patient programs. At that point I was left to my own devices. Pretty much stewing in my own frustrations and angst.

I think now that these health things that have happened it became clear that whatever they diagnosed me with is not a complete picture. It feels that way for me.

Getting Tested

I was given a full psychological evaluation by probably the worst person you can think of. Essentially I was tested for ASD, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety. It wasnt anything new. I was depressed and anxious. There was apparently a blip I guess you could say of ASD, but it wasn't enough to call it ASD, whatever that means.

And then finally I got lectured by this guy about how I probably need to be put in a "home" somewhere against my will. A place where I can finally reintegrate with society. I got asked what I was going to do if my Dad was gone. Essentially making me more nervous and scared. So, learned nothing new, a little blip of ASD, but it's not ASD, and get lectured and scared shitless for a few thousand dollars. Amazing...

Maybe Not ASD but ADHD and or OCD?

But what they didn't test me for was ADHD and OCD. A waste of like thousands of dollars. Because as soon as me and my psychatrist looked into ADHD and OCD, something started to become much more clearer. In fact, I kind of tested highly for ADHD and some OCD when I did a self assesment with him. I took that paper home and even did it twice to make sure I still felt the same way about my answers weeks just before my next visit.

But a lot of that was lining up with what was happening to me in school. Anxiety, trouble concentrating, obsession with perfection and proper study habits, a very fixed mindset, my mind would wonder, I couldn't focus by the time noon hit especially during math, I would pace around the house at home, my mind would just keep moving and moving non-stop.

Where I Stand Today

I pretty much self diagnosed myself as ADHD/OCD. Unfortunately I cant be medicated yet for reasons I have explained in prior posts. I think it's quite possible I may be on the Autism Spectrum as it's very hard to diagnose in adults from my own research and you need actual expertise and they can cost you a lot of money. I mean if I've been masking this entire time, of course I’m not going to "look" Autistic.

Obviously, that's an ableist way to put it. But the reality is we live in a very ableist society, there's no getting around that. If you don’t fit the "norm" you're left out of economic system and society at large. In a lot of ways to me, Good! I don’t want to be around you people and this economic system. You fuckers decide who gets to be called abled or disabled and even then it's still tearing us apart regardless!

We're going to have many more disabled people coming as Covid continues to cause mayhem and destruction. On team Red with Trump, they call it a hoax, just a flu, or tell you to drink bleach. On team Blue, they gaslight you by saying the pandemic is over. Which is sort of true, just that it's fucking endemic now. So it's two sides of the same coin of Covid denialism just to keep business as usual. And let me tell you:

COVID SHOULD HAVE BEEN EVIDENCE THAT CAPITALISM IS INCAPABLE OF RESPONDING TO CRISISES LIKE COVID. IT WILL CONTINUE TO DISABLE MORE WORKING PEOPLE. WE NEED AN ALTERNATIVE NOW!

That won’t happen, instead Covid became a culture war issue of course.

Anyway, that was a side rant. I'd love to talk about how Covid didnt become a tool to create class conciousness and instead became a culture war issue some other time.

ASD Makes Sense to Me But Also Doesn't

I don’t know, when I look at what accounts for ASD. I see a pattern. Some sentitivity to certain stimuli (especially water and groups of people and hugging), obsessions over interests, trouble with social cues, stimming, trouble responding to people's emotions. I don’t know, it just also doesn't make sense to me because I don’t have an issue with eye contact and I'm more able to respond to other's emotions. Maybe not too well and it gets overwhelming for me at times. But I do like to be around people that like to show some vulnerability. I think the opposite is just...oh don’t get me started XD.

Perhaps I’m not understanding the Autism Spectrum as concise as I can. I probably just butchered the entirety of what it is in the last paragraph but I don't know. I hate this desperation for answers to your woes. It's nuts. And I got other things to worry about that complicate it like...

My Physical Health Makes It Harder to Tell If I Have ADHD/OCD and or ASD

I mean I can't sit upright or concentrate generally, I’m fatigued by the end of a school day, get a throbbing headache. I mean it's nuts. So there was that in the mix of all of this. And if I do have dysautonomia or POTS then it would make sense why it feels like I have ADHD. You get adrenaline surges. But I also start stimming? I mean I stim a lot and pace and ruminate all the time non-stop.

The only way to really know is to have this holistic understanding of myself, look at each thing and see where they fit in the bigger picture that makes up me. I just want the peace of mind, the relief to know anything at all. Just nothing feels right. Mentally and physically. And it's making me lose my mind.

I Don’t Like Labels...*

There's a little weird paradox amidst all of this. I’m not too crazy about labels*. I'll let Alexander Avila take this away. It's a long video so maybe watch it when you can:

Really, the video just kind of says that labels, mental health, and maybe even disability in general is just a thing we call amidst a capitalist society. As with any society, there's new ways of reframing human phenomenon. Whether it be you were possesed by the holy spirit or affected by a chemical imbalance or told you may not work again because of a physical disability.

But there's a good point at the end...the labels are useful in modern context and are needed to get the care, what little there is, people need. So they're inescapable much like how capitalism feels inescapable.

I’m More Than Just a Label and Don’t Want to Be Reduced to It

So theyre useful, necessary even. And I may even crave them, especially in this moment. I can't really live without the labels because that's just how the system is designed right now. But I can at least acknowledge that I’m more than just my labels. I don’t want my labels to create a black and white world. I want the labels to make me feel empowered and get the agency I need.

Perhaps in another world...

Perhaps in another world we would acknowledge that everyone is different and may require different needs than others and we can get rid of this black and white thinking that comes with the moniker "disability". Where the disabled may be able to find where they can fit amongst the world and not be babied or treated as some pathetic class of people. This, in my mind can only be done under some form of libertarian socialist model. It just can't be done in any other way.

Libertarian socialism would free each individual and each will be able to realize their fullest potential and get the assistance they need to fully understand themselves and their needs. They will mingle amongst their minds, connect with their bodies, and connect with others and communicate in ways never before imagined.

Healthcare wouldn't be reduced to black and white thinking, and production and turned into a real system of care and humanity and a sense of belonging. It would go along with the individual in their journey of self discovery as the healthcare system learns itself at the same time.

The disabled individual would be free to decide how they can and can't work or participate in how they see fit. They would get the assistance they need from the community, the creative ideas from them, and feel like they're a proper member of the community.

The disabled individual would neither be seen as pathetic or as some "poster boy" of inspiration when they "go against all odds". They would just be like everyone else, a human being with unique needs. They will retain the autonomy they need as much as anyone else.

Final Thoughts

I don’t know what's going on with me yet or if there will be an end in sight for me. I don’t know what's going on with me mentally and probably won’t because of how expensive it is to know. But I can say is I just don’t want to live in this type of world anymore. I want a better one that sees me as human.

I think I'll meet people eventually where we can get together and help each other out and find out how we can live amongst the chaos. I have faith. I have faith in anyone reading this that you too may find that place and the right people who have the same mindset.

We're in this together, we'll find our way, we'll do our best...

[occecation]

i'm beyond spent rn, but happy because i finally did my asd assessment earlier today (had my initial interview with the doc yesterday too)

been wanting to get this done for ages now,

but was always too anxious because i didn't know what to expect and am scared of the results /:

whatever happens, happens, but at least i finally got this done with

[blazehedgehog]

Do you ever think of yourself as being on the ASD? Up until the past few years (I'm 25 now), I never considered the possibility but as I delved deeper I identified with a lot of common behaviors (obsession, preferring isolation, social issues/anxiety, pickiness) and explained why I found it so difficult to assimilate in high school.

I’ve occasionally wondered, but there are a lot of things that kind of go against the grain of that kind of diagnosis. The few symptoms I exhibit of ASD also overlap with something that’s far more likely, and that’s that I probably have ADHD.

I had two or three teachers growing up try to convince my Mom that I had ADHD and that I needed to be medicated for it. My Mom refused to believe them, because back in the early 90′s, the traditional definition of ADHD included hyperactivity, and I was not a classically hyperactive kid. The image of ADD kids back then was being unable to sit still, unable to stop acting out. ADD kids were loud and grabby and uncontrollable, which I definitely was not.

We understand a lot more about the condition now and even though you should never self-diagnose, I’m 99% sure I have ADHD. My inability to focus on one singular hobby (hi, I’m an artist, game developer, sound engineer, youtuber, streamer, and writer), my extremely selective and poor memory, my inability to switch tracks and get motivated on something else after my mind is already set, my utter impatience for certain things, etc.

My isolation and social issues can be explained simply by my depression more than ASD, I think. I’ve talked about this before but I fell apart in high school. Things happened to me in middle school; I had bullies that acted like my friends, they did some deeply horrible things to me, and it completely destroyed my ability to trust anyone for decades. To some degree, it still persists to this very day. It just... wrecked me, in a way that’s hard to describe, and harder to even comprehend. I stopped showering. I stopped brushing my teeth. I just gave up on taking care of myself. I’ve blocked most of the memories out because of trauma coping mechanisms; I only know some of these things because other people have told me they happened. It really was that bad.

I had a really bad stretch of like, five years, from around 13 years old to 17 or 18, maybe even 19. I did eventually get away from those bullies in high school, but the combination of self-loathing they left me with combined with my ADHD and the mounting anxiety problems I was developing meant I coasted through an entire semester of algebra class absorbing absolutely nothing and I got a failing grade. Friends (new ones) dared me to skip one class with them for fun, and I figured “Well I’m doing bad in algebra anyway, so yeah, I’ll skip with you and go to the bowling alley.”

And that started the snowball. I became unmoored from the routine of school, which can be a big problem when you have ADHD. Skipping algebra every now and then became always skipping algebra. Then I started skipping gym too, because getting undressed in front of the other kids in the locker room was an introvert nightmare. Skipping two classes turned in to skipping three. Then four. Then all classes. Who cares, right? I couldn’t muster up the interest, especially when I realized I had no idea what the current lesson plan was anymore.

My girlfriend dumped me. The school waited until the start of my senior year to pull me aside and inform me that it was impossible for me to graduate under any circumstances (the first and only sign of disapproval they had shown me in three and a half years). My internet friends were yelling at me. I lost touch with my real-life friends. I had massive, gigantic, reality-ending panic attacks that left me too paralyzed to leave my room even to go to the bathroom. I teetered on the edge of having a nervous breakdown. I lost over 100lbs, leaving me nothing more than skin and bones. The mountain of stress I was feeling was taking a toll on my health.

I shut down. Closed myself off to the outside world. Ryan did not exist anymore. And for something like a decade, that’s how I lived. My only human contact was with immediate family (when they could drag me out in to the sunlight against my will) and with a core group of shrinking internet friends. The few that did not lose respect for me, anyway.

That does things to you. The parts of your brain that knew how to socialize atrophy and you forget how to hold a conversation. When I was still going to school, my cousin and I told each other we should become therapists, because we were excellent at listening to people and being mediators. We could fix anyone’s problems. Now, those skills died inside of me. I went from being able to make anyone feel better to constantly sticking my foot in my mouth. Being a nuisance, even when I wasn’t trying to be. I lost all sense of what was appropriate to say, or how to convey my feelings. Or convey anything outside of a keyboard, really. I made a lot of people angry and upset totally by accident, or pushed them away without realizing what I was even doing.

And all of these bad habits fed in to each other like an endless loop. It was a slippery slope that steeply went down, and down, and down. The more isolated I became, the more I wanted to isolate even more. The shame and embarrassment for who I was becoming kept getting stronger. I was caught in a spiral.

I was getting close enough that I could see where the bottom of the barrel was. I call myself introverted, but I’m also the guy who, completely of his own volition, downloaded the Shoutcast Server software in September of 2000 and hosted an all-night live internet radio broadcast. Alone. I was livestreaming myself playing video games for the internet four years before Twitch.tv was even invented. Whenever it came time to read aloud in class, I was always one of the best, clearest students, never needing to sound out words or pause for anything. Nowadays I'd never say I was anything but an introvert, but deep down there’s also been a voice inside of me dying to get out, and at some point I woke up and realized I could be better. I just need less fear and more confidence.

The person you see writing this blog today is the result of finally starting to become aware of what I was doing to myself, and forcibly dragging myself back out in to the world, inch by inch. I don’t think it’s going very well, but at least I’m still making an effort. I fell apart in to many small pieces, and they’re taking a long time to reassemble. I finally graduated high school about five years ago. (I re-read that post a few months ago and started crying.) As you may pick up on from the differences between that post and this one, I’m still learning a lot about myself and what’s wrong with me. The picture is always becoming clearer by the day.

But knowing the problem means you can find the solution, right? That’s what you’re doing, too.  It’s a slow process, but I continue the fight to heal the damage I’ve done to myself.

Anyway, sorry for getting so randomly heavy and spilling my guts out like this. I appreciate people looking out for me like this. And who knows, maybe I am on the spectrum after all. Just because I have my own theories doesn't mean they're necessarily right.

[prongsisabadger]

The Wolf Pack Chapter 14

I took off the outer layer of my robes as fast as I could. The damned thing had caught fire after an explosion and had nearly burnt my shoulder off.

"You really should get some armour, kid." Said Rex beside me.

"Let's discuss my poor fashion choices later, Rex. We need to hold them off until the shield-"

My frustrated rant was cut short by the shield powering off. Finally. The enemy had almost got to the heavy cannons, and now, with their only protection gone, we had the high ground. Orders were yelled and the cannons loaded. And our fighting was renewed with double the strength now that the situation didn't seem as hopeless. Ahsoka and her master had made it, thank the Force.

Master Kenobi had captured General Loathsom and reinforcements were arriving. Just in time. I sighed in relief and patted Rex's shoulder.

"We did it, Captain."

While Rex set off to look for Skywalker, I went looking for my own master. He was speaking to Master Yoda while the troops marched off the cruiser and onto the surface. They were discussing the matter of Jabba's son being kidnapped, and how to go about the matter in the best way. It was a delicate situation. Sould Jabba decide to side with the Separatist alliance, the war would become that much harder. For the sake of safe passage through the outer rim, this mission needed to be successful.

"I apologize for interrupting, Masters, but maybe I could be of help in the negotiations with the Hutts." I said approaching them both.

"Ah, young Padawan. Did a good job today, I hear." Said Master Yoda, turning to me.

"I only did the best I could, Master."

"You are too humble, young one. We had very few losses today." He said before clearing his throat. "But regarding the negotiations with Jabba, I do believe it to be best if I go alone. Jabbas can be… touchy."

I smiled slightly, that was putting it lightly.

"I know, but I've been studying their culture and language for years now, master. I believe that if we show them we appreciate our relationship enough to learn them, it might give us an advantage."

Both masters looked at each other for a moment before coming to a silent agreement.

"Aware of this, I was not. Hmm." Said Master Yoda.

"Bridging cultural gaps was the main reason I joined the Jedi Order in the first place, Master."

"Then a companion in this journey you will have Master Kenobi, yes."

…

My new master and I took a fighter each. The logic behind it had been that once we were done in Tatooine, we would have to reinforce Master Skywalker and Ahsoka. Asd the best way to do that, was to fly something we could fight in. It was a strange feeling, coming back to Tatooine, that is. I would not be seeing the Tusken, not really, but to return to where it had all started brought a sense of nostalgia and peace.

"How does it feel to be back?" Asked master Kenobi over the comms.

"Like I never left, Master."

We flew over the Dune Sea and towards Jabba's palace. Outside the fortified place was an encampment of Jawas who had apparently come to trade, and I could feel all their eyes on our ships once we started the landing sequence. I told the droid I'd been assigned to keep an eye on them while we were gone, and then leapt off the ship. I had replaced my scorched robes before leaving Christophsis, so I got a few stares from the welcoming committee.

"Let us not keep the mighty and wise Jabba waiting." Said the protocol droid as both my master and I bowed.

I had expected many things from Jabba's palace, but not the stench. It smelled acidic, and like some sort of life form was being digested or decomposing somewhere in the palace. I did my best not to let it show, it would have been disrespectful, but it did cross my mind that they could have at the very least installed a ventilation system. Not only was the small rank, it was also stagnant, and fermenting with every second it spent inside the palace. Not even breathing through my mouth helped.

When we arrived at Jabba's quarters, the protocol droid introduced my master and I. At once, the great awful slug demanded to know why we had taken that long, and why were the Jedi not searching for his son.

"The Council has already managed to locate your son, oh mighty Jabba." I started in Huttese, which seemed to shock a few of the people there. "One of the best Jedi Masters has already been dispatched to rescue him. As we speak, he is on his way there."

The Hutt considered me for a moment.

"You speak my language, child," He said. "I value that, but I cannot be lenient when the life of my dear son is in danger."

"I Understand, mighty one. The bloodline of all Hutts is sacred and as such should be honored and protected. All we ask is safe passage through your territory for the Republic's troops."

Master Kenobi, seeing there was no indication of discontent or rage in the room allowed me to continue with the negotiations. But there was so much I could do as a Padawan. I could not speak in the name of the council, or represent the Order in any way. All I could do was get Master Kenobi to the negotiations table.

"My Master here with me," I said, turning to him and motioning him forward. "Will continue with negotiations in the name of the Jedi Order, should you -oh wise one- allow it."

He did.

Jabba gave us one planetary rotation to get his son back to him, alongside the scum who had kidnapped him. Master Kenobi and I stayed a few more hours to work out the details of the treaty with the great Hutt. It was a great learning experience, seeing Master Kenobi at work. Being lenient where he could allow it and firm every time he could not give something up. Both the protocol droid and I acted as translators, and soon our negotiations were over. All that was left to do was rescue Jabba's son. Which was no small feat mind you. If we failed, Jabba would grant the enemy passage through his territory and we would receive a huge blow for it. But we had a job to do, and defeat was not an option we could consider.

We rendezvous with the 212th battalion right outside the moon that held the temple. I was put in charge of gunner air support, and as a result, paired up with Commander Cody's men. When Master Kenobi gave the order, we set off. As we neared the temple where Skywalker's troops were, we started receiving heavy enemy fire. And the blast doors were closed. Outside, explosions echoed and shook the craft.

"We're nearly there, Commander." Said the pilot.

"Good. Squad, let's go save captain Rex's ass." I said as the doors opened and then jumped off.

I had come a long way since my time in Illum.

I landed on top of the fallen walker in the yard and turned my lightsaber on. I then jumped off to the ground, rolled and took point where the men of the 501st were.

"Reinforcements are here! Let them have it boys!" someone yelled behind me, and those who were left cheered.

Master Kenobi landed next and asked Rex for a report. The General was still inside as far as he knew.

"Kriari, you stay here and reinforce the troops. Get rid of these droids. I will go get Anakin." He ordered.

"Yes, Master."

I turned to the troops and smiled at them.

"You heard the General boys. It's time for target practice!"

…

"And that's how we saved Captain Rex's skin." I said as I finished the story.

Art, Boost and Wolffe had come to greet us at the hangar. I was finally returning to the Pack after what seemed like a very long time.

"You missed the part when you almost caught fire. Twice." Smirked Rex as we made our way to the elevator. "Our commander right here, thought wearing armour was a fashion choice."

They all started laughing because of course a Jedi wouldn't think of something as mundane as armour.

"Yeah, laugh it up. I don't know if you can tell, but I haven't been to Coruscant since I left and there aren't many places to shop for armour around here, boys." I said when the doors opened to the bridge.

"You could always modify some clone armour, we have a few guys that know how to do it." Said Art before putting his helmet on.

"Really? But , that armour is for you guys." I protested as we neared the control center.

"Don't worry Commander. Leave it to me, I'll get right on it." And with that, he and boost left.

Rex gave his report on both the battles we had been involved in, and I added a few things on my part when he was done. Commander Wolffe and Master Plo listened intently to our reports and then thanked Rex and dismissed him. Both General and Commander had tried to remain as professional as possible while dealing with inter battalion protocol, but once the elevator door closed behind Rex, all illusion of coldness was gone.

"Welcome back to the Pack, Commander." Said Wolffe with a smirk.

"It's good to be back, Wolffe." I said smiling broadly before turning to Master Plo. "Koh-to-ya, Master. It's been a while."

"Indeed, little one, indeed. I hope you are ready for a more tame assignment." he said before turning on a holo map. "We were tasked with finding General Grievous' mystery weapon. It has been tearing entire fleets apart and leaving no survivors."

I watched as he brought up footage of what had once been a Republic fleet. I gasped. There was nothing left, only scraps and dead bodies drifting in open space. It was a terrible sight.

"I don't think you and I have the same concept for a tame mission, Master." I commented.

"Our task is to find it, young one. Not to engage. Our intelligence has brought us some insight into the last known locations of this weapon and we believe there is a high chance of finding it near the Abregado system." Said my Master.

Wolffe briefed me into the plan. We would take three cruisers and depart in three days, if we managed to find it, we would not engage and wait for reinforcements. But everything was very vague at this point. We knew very little of this weapon and what it did. All we knew wat that it was very dangerous and we needed to stop it,

Wolffe and I left the bridge together. He needed to check on the supplies, and I was put off duty until we departed.

"You and Captain Rex seem to have become close fiends." He said casually as the doors to the elevator closed.

"He's a good man. And a great soldier. No wonder General Skywalker likes him so much, they are both a little reckless." I said.

"Is that why you like them?" he teased.

"I like Rex. Skywalker is still on thin ice."

On our way we caught up with each other. What we'd been up to, people we'd met, battles we'd fought. But for some reason I found myself being more honest with him than I'd been with anyone since Ahsoka. I told him how unprepared I'd felt on the battlefield. How I had underestimated the weight of the losses we had suffered and how I didn't imagine how heavy they were to carry. I told him how, once the fight started, all common sense left me and everything I had left was instinct and the need to survive and help the troops survive.

"Well, I never really thought about it. We were programmed for this, created to fight and be efficient, and follow orders. Don't get me wrong we are just as terrified in that battlefield as you are. But we were trained to get through regardless. I don't know if Jedi have that." He answered.

"We don't. We are told not to let our emotions dictate our actions. To follow the force ant its will, but when you are surrounded by chaos, and death, and the possibility of losing everyone around you…" I rambled. "I'm sorry, Commander. I should not burden you with my problems. I'm sure you have your own."

We had stopped right in front of my quarters.

"It's no problem, really. You give it all out there to keep us safe, Commander. The least I could do is help you deal with the consequences our safety brings."

"Preventing losses does not bring consequences, Wolffe. Being the cause of those losses would."

…

The next day I spoke about it to Master Plo. The war was just beginning, and I didn't want to allow my emotions to consume me, but I also wanted to be able to deal with them in a healthy way. Talking to people and seeking counsel had always been something that brought me peace. But I also couldn't rely on everyone around me to keep me sane and grounded. When I told these thighs to Master Plo, he said something I did not expect.

"You are still a Padawan, Kriari. You don't need to know the answer to all of this right now. Master Kenobi and I can and will help you through this. It will be a collective effort for all of us, no one will be spared and as Jedi we need to stick together in these dark times." he explained. "Seeking comfort from others is normal and natural, you just have to make sure you don't depend on that comfort. Peace, true peace, comes from within."

But it was not easy. It never had been and even less so during war time. We were just getting started, and we would lose so many people before the war ended. We would mourn and cry and even resent the enemy for each one of the lives we lost. But we would need to keep going. Keep our head held high, keep our chests forward and our regrets behind us. We would need to trust each other, to cherish each other, but never avenge each other. If we fought, we would fight with honor and strength and in the memory of those we lost, but never to satisfy our own grief.

On my second day of leave, I was in the mess hall when Art and Boost found me. I was having my morning coffee and waiting for Master Plo to have a few lightsaber lessons. The aura around these two caught me off guard. They were excited, very excited, and were holding a case behind their backs. Before I could say anything another trooper ran towards us and shot a nasty look at the other two.

"You said you would wait for me, you pair of nasty womp rats." He accused.

I chuckled under my breath and raised my eyebrows when the third trooper apologized for his language.

"No worries, trooper. I'm off duty, besides, I have a foul mouth as well. You're good."I smiled.. "Do you have a name?"

"Sinker, Ma'am. Sergeant." He said saluting me before taking a seat beside the other two.

"So, what brings you lot to my table this fine morning?" I asked, sipping my coffee.

They all light up like Coruscant on festival week. They put the case on the table, carefully setting aside my tray, and opened it. Inside, there was a set of upper body trooper armour. It had been modified to fit me and Art had decided to try his hand at design as well apparently. The armour on the left arm had been left alone except for the Jedi Order logo painted on the shoulder pad in bright red paint. The rest of the armour, though, had been painted dark gray. The entire right arm, though, had been painted so that the symbol of the Wolf Pack was white and so were the patterns that run down the arm and onto the armoured gloves.

I sat there staring at every single piece, carefully molded to fit me, expertly painted and designed. This was not just a piece of armour. This was the Pack saying "This is our Jedi, This is our Commander."

I started tearing up, and sniffing a little. Apparently this gave the impression that I didn't like it, so it took a lot of laughter, tears and assurance to convince the three that, yes these were happy tears, and no, I didn't hate it and would be honored to wear it.

"Now the entire army will know which battalion you belong with."

[alexafaie-asd]

FINALLY got my PIP appeal accepted so now my disability benefits got reinstated!! YAY!

It only took since May 2019. Or 2018 if you count when they sent the paperwork through for me to fill in to allow them to continue my benefits (at which point they decided that I had to have another assessment to see if my life long progressive conditions had magically gone away).

TL;DR: I got my money through and can now stop worrying about being pennies away from being in my overdraft again. And its the most money I’ve ever personally owned at one time (£7000, so not much, but its MY not much so...)

Long harrowing journey under the cut for those interested. It continues from the paragraph before the TL;DR. Contains a few mentions of stuff being triggering to me, but not sure if that would be triggering to others, so heads up for anyone who might find trigger mentions triggering (nothing very explicit mentioned however).

Then the mandatory reconsideration when the face to face assessment decided that my ability to have survived through university 10 years prior meant that I obviously must be able to cope with the required daily living tasks much better than I could when I was assessed 3 years prior. They also mentioned how my diagnosis letter had two terms on it because of the date being in the transition period to the new diagnostic handbook. So I had ASD and “Asperger's, or what was formerly referred to as “high functioning” autism” and so therefore the high functioning bit in the diagnosis meant that I’m not actually disabled, not even by my co-morbid conditions like my bipolar disorder. (Insert upside down emoji here). And there were also major factual errors in the report the person had written. So we’d tried to correct them.

And of course for the mandatory reconsideration just involved going back to ATOS and asking a different person to look through the original report and didn’t include any of the factual corrections we’d provided. (Apparently that would “bias” the people looking at it? Like they got important info wrong, but still used the wrong information as that was “less biased”?).

Which then meant sending an appeal letter which I had to do the first time I applied too, but that time they phoned me up and illegally told me I had to chose right there on the phone to accept the offer as otherwise it wouldn’t be there later. I found out later they weren’t allowed to do that. But I panicked and accepted the lower offer (lower than I should have got) because I was scared I wouldn’t actually get the award otherwise the way they said it. They wouldn’t even let me call them back after speaking with my partner. Yeah it was a whole thing. A bad thing.

So anyway, this time they decided it had to actually go to a tribunal, not just be decided on the papers.

An appeals tribunal where I had to present my “case” and prove to 3 judges that I really am disabled in the ways I am (and that the DWP were wrong to say I could no longer be disabled because I gained an additional diagnosis on top of what I’d already got which only helped to explain more how my daily living is affected adversely).

A tribunal at which the information I was provided with prior to attending warned that no recording equipment was allowed to be used during the appeal. Which I was very ok with because I have a massive fear (which triggers psychosis yay) of being recorded. Only to find when I got there that they would in fact be recording the whole thing. In the interest of “fairness”. Despite it being VERY unfair on someone who has mental health issues regarding that exact thing.

Which resulted in a massive meltdown on my part so they postponed it for later...

We managed to find a charity which provides representatives to help fight the case for you as they have legal backgrounds and can present stuff in just the right way because there are awfully specific terms you need to use or they think you’re totally fine. FFS. The guy was very helpful and it was just a case of waiting for another court date.

At which point Covid and the lockdown turned up. And all tribunals were postponed indefinitely. So it was just a case of waiting for them to work out how to do them again. Some were done via the phone, but that couldn’t work with a representative and I really struggle on the phone anyway (because ASD and social issues) so that was not going to happen.

But eventually since Covid showed no signs of letting up, they started working through the case backlog to find cases they felt really might be able to be decided on paper after all. And mine was included in that.

So they sent a letter with my award proposal which my representative said I should accept and a few weeks ago I got a phone call (which my partner took for me) to check my payment method was still correct.

And finally, TODAY! I got my disability money through! Which is backdated so far that this is the most money I have EVER had in my account. I feel rich! (But its also “only” £7000, so like I’m not rich). Its nice to not just be sat close to zero with my partner sending money just to stop it going into my overdraft again (so I wouldn’t have to stop the few subscriptions I have going which keep me moderately sane).

Its not even meant to be an income thing. This disability benefit is meant to be something that anyone disabled can get regardless of their income or work status, to help cover the excess costs which come with living with a disability which requires adaptations. Because my partner works, I’m not entitled to any income related benefits (so yay, have to be forced to be financially dependent on someone against my wishes & which only triggered my trauma from having an emotionally and psychologically abusive father who liked to be controlling with money so being dependent on someone else fills me with fear so I can’t ask for anything when I need it). But don’t want those disabled people being moochers right? /sarcasm/

Anyway.... this is actually meant to be a celebratory post because its finally over. For now. Except they send the letter out a year before the end of the entitlement and since it got backdated to 2019, and its meant to last 3 years before they check again... Which takes me to 2022. And its 2021 now, which makes that one year before the entitlement ends! YAY! So I get a few months off before starting this whole process all over again. /even more sarcasm, I am not happy about this bit/

[incarnateirony]

My mother learned something about me today. Something very complex. 

For those who don’t know, I’m ASD. Verbalization isn’t impossible, but difficult to sort together. Keyboards are a very safe space to organize my thoughts in, and here is where I have opinions. I have opinions in real life, but rarely can formulate a sentence enough to speak them. My wife and I even discuss our differences and disagreements or outright arguments, as all relationships have, over discord, because I can actually talk rather than just spew half formed sentences.

Atop that, I’m a former street rat.  I rolled through waves of homelessness and child labor from my mother’s declining health and resulting oxy addiction in a single parent home with no siblings, I was hustling whatever I could get my hands on to make bills and working whatever jobs I could to keep us floating. Why yes, I DID swindle other kids even, because I had traded up my Pokemon cards and the highschooler totally thought he was getting one-up on me for “only” paying 100 for my holographic shiny charizard, good luck getting the 120 at a shop. Beanie babies--princess diana bear; pogs. And... sometimes less kid oriented things for less kid-like clientelle. I got on my feet, established my life, even fell into production, and even THAT kept me bumping around. I’ve lived in almost every continental state for some period of time and those I haven’t, I’ve traveled through, basically. Sometimes with a bag on my back and a thumb out on the road. 

My wife is fallen upper class -- to the point I had to explain to her that families losing, oh, 5-10 million dollars over a few years is not, in fact, middle class, which she was convinced she was. And once they fell into middle class they didn’t know how to operate in normalpeopleuniverse and kept making bad decisions that has started pitching them towards bottom class. (this debate came up over “Obama’s death tax screwing the middle class”, which she was convinced she was before a few inheritances got boned at the same time a bad business decision lost several other millions.) They maintain the image of middle class life, while hundreds of thousands of dollars and several dangerous deals in debt, but the reality is, they aren’t. But they play it. So I’ve had to learn to play it.

My wife has had a very abrupt introduction to learning this way of life and I’m happy to see her through it. On the other hand, when it comes to the airs of privileged society, the fine trims, the table settings, the functions and appearances, I am an alien to this world. I am Castiel-headtilting often. I follow their lead. I vocalize poorly. I am often, in the real world, absurdly quiet and compliant. 

Until I know I’m needed, and I need to take charge, and I’m the one that knows what to do. At which point, I am the same kind of bulldozer personality you see online.

I’ve recently been caught in a disaster of a life situation my mother in law kept making worse for a long list of excuses that boiled down to not wanting her daughter to leave the state, despite my wife’s desperate wishes to. That’s it in the end. Any good faith was long since gone.

She screwed up a fix-it a few days ago -- which was what caused my post about “don’t slam the cage in my face” -- and even sent my wife into paranoid spirals about it all. 

But those thoughts? Those things I turned over? After days of her nonsense, capped in 3 specific hours of her nonsense today, and one final attempt at manipulative power move on her part, she realized something.

And that’s to stay out of my way.

Those poorly structured thoughts? That difficulty to frame things? Came out as a tidal wave, a torrent of information shutting down every argument past or present or possible future she could ever think of. She pulled us aside, knowing we needed the extra vehicle, into a parking lot to try to stall us and argue again a few inches from the proverbial finish line.

And I went off in what was basically a 800 word rant at her.

That quiet person? That person who seems “not home” to her? I’m here. I’m thinking. I’m thinking past anything you’ve even thought you smartly thought and I’ve analyzed it and I’m just trying to get to where we need to be to get shit done.

Her entire excuse to even pull over was blown out of the water. It was something like, 

“But what if he’s there?”

“Good.”

“What do you mean good?!” 

“Then we call the cops and he gets served. Good.”

“Okay but if he’s NOT there and the cameras see us-”

“It doesn't matter if they see us on the cameras because it’s our own damn property and even if he could bring us to court the complaint would be dead the moment the letter of demand from two months past was shown and he won't even have the balls to step into a court to file on us because he has 4-5 lawsuits chasing him and he'd be served all of them the second he tried but even minding that he doesn't even have an address to service us at which leaves his only option to pursue us letting the serve be completed on our own suit and hoping it's ours and not the others so he can countersue and we'll gladly see him in court but the second it’s off the lot the mechanic lien vanishes and I know you're going to say what the cops said but you only heard half of it because they advised doing either but legally could not overtly tell us to drive it off with the lien and thus endorsed with just about airquotes what the MOST legal version was of this and they aren't going to come after us and nothing's going to happen and when we talked to the lawyer yesterday he said we fucked up not taking it the day before the exact way i told you to do it and had completely in our control until you decided to be noncompliant at the last second so if we could get this over with instead of stopping to eat after you chose not to get a snack like me and shea did the last several times you kept stopping the car to not get here- “

just one endless torrent without breathing.

bitch i swindled swindlers in the middle of learning my ABCs

Summarily I flayed my mother in law in a taco bell parking lot. And you know what, suddenly, she isn’t hungry. And frankly, is like a dog that you scolded that can’t look at you anymore when you ask who tore up the couch.

Y’all don’t underestimate the autistic folks around you. We’re thinking, we’re watching. And god help you if we have to start talking.

She mentioned to Shea, “You’re braver than I am,” to which my wife said, “No, that’s all her. You got in my head pretty good.” And like the quiet soul I am in the real world, I said nothing, I just looked at her. I think she gets it now, maybe. Just because I’m quiet, or compliant in their wheelhouse of a universe does not mean I am someone to be pushed around.

And that’s my takeaway on today.

That, and my wife realizing, I WILL teach her how to play hard-and-fast. Everything has worked out exactly like I said it would. Sometimes, you can’t wait for paper to solve everything. Play it legal, sure. But laws aren’t the exact lines you have to walk, knowing how to play in the grey space between it is how conmen work, and is often the only way to win against them. Eat my shit dude.

Play straight with me, I play straight with you. Play dirty with me and my god, once I can stop herding the discombobulated cats around me that have no idea what the fuck they’re doing and stop going against all the plans in place, son, look out.

There are two major cities I don’t even live in anymore I could order a street sweep on to this day. Did it once before last time a girl went missing in one. She was found alive 2 hours later exactly where I territory-gridded out within a block of error from 2600 miles away. Bro don’t fuck with me. This may not be my city but I know your game. I’ve had to deal with fuckbags like you my whole life.

Update: We had an inside line and let’s just say I know full and well exactly as I said, he accepted defeat, because that’s what it is, defeat. He saw some women dressed up as middle/upper class suburbia he thought he could take advantage of and you know what, one of those women was a chameleon who knew his part of the jungle. 

[washipuppy]

Where is my mind (this time)?

Personal stuff? On MY Tumblr? Yep, it's happening. I need to ramble, and where the feck else am I gonna do it but Tumblr?

I was supposed to go in for an Autism assessment today with my therapist. It's been constantly on my mind it all week, to the extent that I think I might actually ne worried about it, and I have no feckin idea why. It's not a test.

Anyway, it was cancelled and re-scheduled for next week. I took the day off work for it too, since it was gonna be a couple of hours, but I went back to work because I'll need to take next Thursday instead. So I guess I'm having another week with this oversized, unresolved question-mark dangling from my neck.

Background will (hopefully) be under the cut so that most of you aren't bothered by all this:

Background 1 - My therapist is kind of flakey. 

Like many people, I have a therapist that I picked entirely because I'd been without one for several years (since my last therapist retired) and I needed to do something about the tail-spin death-spiral my brain was in. I don't get to see them too often, because I work 8:30 - 5:00, 5 days a week and they tend to cancel my appointments on me thr day they happen, but I'm too tired and worn down by existence to get another one, so it is what it is.

Background 2 - I'm not trying to be weird, please stop calling me that. 

Lotta people seem to think I'm Autistic. Including said therapist, who I noticed was asking me the "Could this person be Autistic?" questions during our last session. Shortly after which I realised I recognised the "Could this person be Autistic" questions without the word ever being used. I've considered the possibility, but although I have a some traits that are associated with ASD (non-verbal episodes, repetative hand / body movements when anxious, low social situational/emotional awareness, eye contact avoidance...), I have a pretty intense imagination and I can be spontanious. If I decide I want to go shopping after work, I'll do so. If someone wants to spend time with me and I don't really have a reason not to go (e.g. a prior commitment or not wanting to spend a lot of money on something I won't actually enjoy), I'm gonna go even if it's last minute. Because they asked me specifically (General invitations offered to "the group" don't elicit this, and I'm way more likely to bail on those) and I want to keep being asked to go to things; If I say no too often, people will just stop inviting me to things. So if I'm asked to go see a band or an expo or whatever and the cost isn't too bad, I'll go. Besides, what good will it actually do me if I get confirmation that I am Autistic? It's a bit late for it to make a difference to my development, the damage has already by and large been done. I didn't see how it would actually help my life now to be diagnosed.

Background 3 - The culmination of a cascade of f**kups.

For a while, I've suspected I might have ADD/ADHD (just gonna use ADHD from now for this). It started on Tumblr, oddly enough - I follow several people here who also have ADHD and post bits and bobs about it, all of which make me go "Yes, that is a thing that is me." But I tried not to think too much about the growing idea that I might have ADHD myself despite almost everything I ever saw or read about girls having ADHD described me perfectly - From the childhood maladaptive daydreaming through to the mental breakdown in university and inconsistent job performance - because I think of myself as something of a hypochondriac* and It's trite to say "Oh, I've got ADD, I'm so easily distracted!" when the world at large is horrible and distracting. 

That is, until last year. See, I left a job I didn't like in 2018 and got one I quite liked in 2019. Thing is, even though I like this job, I'm still fucking up with an alarming frequency and I can't seem to stop. I don't know why it happens or how to make it stop, and I don't know how to make myself think or be more careful or even understand how I'm doing something wrong enough to stop. It's so incredibly frustrating and distressing to know you're going to fuck up, and to try to spend your time mitigating the inevitable**. The thing that made me think I should probably actually get myself checked out, however, was my partner. I've been forgetting a lot of things lately, getting confused, been struggling to keep things right in my head - after driving across the city for an event that had in face been re-scheduled next week, my partner sent me a comic strip from the ADHD Alien that basically outlined my exact mental stateand life. It was his own gentle way of saying "I don't exactly understand what's going on with you, but I think this might be what its called". More importantly though, it's something that, if I really do have it and can be diagnosed with it, we can actually do something about it and getting it managed would actually help my life.

And now, the thrilling culmination...

So. I figure "Feck it, 2020 is the year of getting my brain sorted out or something," and I talk to my GP about how to go about getting assessed for ADHD. My response is more or less a shrug with a side of "Speak to a mental health professional about that." So I speak to my therapist. I know ADHD often comes with ASD, so I figure okay, maybe we'll kill two birds with one stone and see about getting them both assessed.

Turns out she was going to suggest doing an assessment for ASD as well. I initially thought ADHD was in that too, but nope - misunderstanding on my part again. So I need to get off my goddamned backside and track down a way to get tested for the thing that can actually be managed and mitigated, while my stupid head spins its wheels over the thing that probably won't do anything but confirm how different/ not different my brain actually is.

Whatever it is, I worry it's getting worse.

*On a related note, my partner's atitude to his health is so different to my own. I always think I need to prove that something is wrong to my GP before anything can even be looked at. For example, I'm tired a lot, to the point I slip into micro-sleeps / blackouts at work. We thought perhaps I wasn't sleeping well due to the hole in my face being a disaster zone, which I talked to my GP about. A blood-test later revealed that my iron intake was within normal levels, but it was low within normal levels (i.e. I'm not anemic, I've just got a low iron count). So I worked on upping it with more red meat and iron suplaments. No improvement, either in my being tired levels or my iron intake levels (And my sinuses are as clear as they ever get, which is still not good). So stronger Iron checks and a test for celiac disease that I still need to get the results for, despite the fact that I'm about 98% sure they won't show anything. Basically, I'm working to prove that whatever's wrong with my sleep, a sleep study will probably be needed to assess.

My partner pointed out that I could just... go do that. On my own. I don't need my doctor's permission to check to see if I have apnea or some kind of sleeping condition. I don't need to prove I have something that warrents a sleep test, I can just go get a sleep test.

**There's also the distractions that aren't helping. I'll always find something - I made so many paper roses until that was finally burned out of my system, I went through a pad of post-it notes in a few months trying to take down distractions and put them asside before re-focusing on the task before a minor hiccup interrupted that technique, I've opened new windows on my browser and immediately closed them because I'm trying NOT to get distracted, but even if I don't put an obvious distraction in front of myself, I'll stare blankly into space and daydream instead of focusing.

[bigbadbarry-toyrobot]

I started writing this post back in July, so a bit out of date now, but though I best post it since I’ve spent nearly 3 months writing it! Ha!

As a result of this blog, something that started as a sort of secret diary to empty my head, I’ve met people in the flesh and online, some that live near and some on the other side of the world, some that are at a similar stage in their journey through parenting a child with additional needs and some that are just starting, I often get asked for advice about school and how it went for Bailey and I’ve been meaning to write this for months, so here it finally is, a bit about our first year at school and the things that worked for us.

The start of school for any parent is scary, even more so when your a parent of a child with additional needs, will they love school? Will they hate it? How will you all cope with this next step? How will other children react to your child? What will the parents think of them? Will he be classed as the naughty boy? Will people gossip about him; us behind our backs? Will he be included, will he make friends, will people tease him and he’ll be oblivious, the questions circled round and round my head for weeks and months, we worried, though we shouldn’t have....my sons school was recently graded outstanding, I myself have been through 3 ofsted inspections the most recent this year, it isn’t easy and I can honestly say that any grade a school gets today is mostly a fair representation of how the school works and what it rightfully deserves. We can all pull an outstanding lesson out the bag with a bit of effort but my sons school was graded outstanding in all area and I have seen first hand how outstanding their SEN provision is, in particular the schools senco has been a dream come true. She has made Baileys transition from nursery fairly smooth, there have been some bumps along the way, some pretty big ones in fact, a broken nose, some tears; mostly mine, I’ve bitten my nails down to nothing with worry and Bailey also did a bit of biting himself, which fingers crossed is now very much in the past.

The school reacted accordingly and have put in place the support that he is entitled to, deserves, and what is essentially needed for him to be in main stream education, where he currently most definitely should be. He has 1:1 support and bunch of clubs and interventions are used to support him and other students across the school that need that bit of extra help. Baileys has had Lego therapy, lunch time games clubs, SALT and a specialist autism teacher come to support staff because as a teacher you pretty much get zero training for teaching kids with ASD; ‘read that PowerPoint slide guys, now go teach’ - that’s a whole other blog post though...I only finally feel confident teaching autistic kids, because of Bailey, because I understand that what works for him won’t work for another kid, like most kids! Any way as a teacher I thought I had a good understanding of what he was entitled to and how to get it, but it’s often different from borough to borough, I can’t recommend enough getting a good understanding of what your child is entitled to, with or without a EHCP. An amazing book for this is a book called ‘How to raise a happy autistic child’ I wish someone had given it to me when he was diagnosed, its full of what you need to know for school, unfortunately I discovered the book after we’d been through it all. However we found our way and it’s not been easy, somthing that did make it a little easier was that we requested termly meetings with Baileys SENCO, the school doesn’t really have to offer that unless they have a EHCP, however these meetings were hugely beneficial, to discuss his progress but also just to immediately act on what our next step would be. We are still in the process of trying to get his EHCP, a task I’ve had to take on myself again...we have secured him a PRA- pupil resource agreement but this doesn’t even slightly cover the cost of his 1:1. There are a tonne of acronyms used in education even more in SEND, it’s extremely useful getting to know what they all mean, it’s stops you feeling so lost and definitely gives you a bit more confidence when talking to professionals because unfortunately some will talk to you like you are an idiot or fob you off, I’ve had the Borough SENCO not only take it upon themselves to make decision that had a negative impact on my sons education but also lie to me about it, so getting a understanding of education lingo is massively beneficial!

Though school has been brilliant it is decisions that we have made as a family that have also greatly impacted on his first successful year at school. We were unsure about immediately telling people he is autistic as it’s just a small part of who he is, we were scared about creating a label for Bailey, we didn’t want him to just become the ‘Autistic boy’ but equally we didn’t want people to label him the ‘naughty boy’ because he actually isn’t, being naughty generally isn’t in his nature, but even now through lack of understanding other children label him as naughty.

When Bailey started school his language delay to the untrained eye wasn’t so obvious, it still isn’t obvious unless you know what your looking for or you spend a great deal of time with him and start to spot the repetition. However language is something that is difficult for him, early in reception he found it difficult to express himself verbally and unfortunately for us and him, he took to biting as a way of keeping unwanted attention at bay...someone tickled him too much and he didn’t know how to make them stop, so he bit them, someone snatched a toy and he bit them, this happened 3 or 4 times, not loads but enough to put him on peoples radars, parents were called and I was worried it was going to start the gossiping, the stay away from that boy, he’s naughty conversations, so we made the decision that we would be open and honest and share that Bailey is Autistic, and frankly it was one of the best decisions we made. Parents mostly have responded well and I know as a result many families are talking about neuro diversity with their children and that’s fantastic.

Last April during Autism awareness week we set up Baileys just giving page, we shared it with his class group and his SENCO who then shared it with the whole school. A bunch of Baileys school friends came and supported him and it was incredible to see his friends and their parents showing their support, it was around this time in the year that the worry started to ebb away for me, I mean it never really goes, but things were starting to click into place for us, for him. He loves school and loves his friends dearly, more than they are probably even aware.

Bailey was sponsored across the school, the school shared his just giving page in the newsletter for about a month, which obviously got people talking about autism and neuro diversity. I worked with the senco and we talked about ways we could help the children gain a better understanding of what it means to be Autistic, they delivered circle time across the school tactfully and Bailey even delivered a little presentation about his walk during a whole school assembly. Bailey still struggles to tell me about his day but occasionally I hear bits through his teacher or from his friends...usually the girls and it always has me close to tears, he is so well loved and he’s done this all by himself by just being him , up until recently no one knew who me or Sam were, as he goes to breakfast and after school club we had limited contact with other parents, but as he’s constantly invited to parties I’ve got to know some parents now. I often get stopped and people say ‘oh are u Baileys mummy?!?...ohh he’s so sweet, Or I love him so much, I think being in the choir has also made him more visible to the parents and other kids of the school, which has also been a good thing, as he now has a bunch of friends across the school. I also think it’s been really good in supporting him with taking part in groups, making friends and has given him more confidence, though he’s always been pretty confident. Baileys reception choir teacher is also lovely and has gone out of her way to make sure he has a role in the choir, even though his participation is alway a bit hit or miss, the fact that he actually sings is incredible as he never did before he started school not even nursery rhymes. Baileys reception year choir dedicated and donated all the money they had raised from their first public performance, (which Bailey picked his nose the whole way through) to his just giving page, this took the total money he raised to over £1000.

The first year has not been completely smooth sailing for us always, and I’m not going to lie it can be tough and hugely over whelming juggling family, work and school, despite that Bailey has loved every minute of school so somethings going right. Being so honest means I’ve been contacted by parents who are about to embark on their scary first year with their child with additional needs and it’s been great to support them as they start their journeys, and I hope that as result of our honesty and the schools support, their children our coming into a school that respects diversity in all its forms.

Finally Bailey may not be able to read or write, but he’s nailed making friends, and that is all I ever wanted for him. I always though it was the academic things that were most important to me, but when we met the autism specialist teacher she asked us what we most wanted for Bailey and I immediately went to say that he can write and read and she looked at me, head slightly tilted with that expression...really? ..... and In that moment I immediately realised I didn’t! I couldn’t care less about those things, as long as he’s happy, I’m happy and having friends is what makes him so very happy, so reception was not about learning to read or write it was about learning to make friends and I’m happy with that. watching him with friend he actually plays with and not along side is amazing! Fuck knows how he’s learnt how to be such a social butterfly... It’s not a skill his learnt from his mum, though he definitely got the showing off from Sam!

[oshynic-blog]

Living with mental health

Hey guys, It’s Oshynic here, and I’m bringing you a more serious topic talking about me and my mental health. I’m writing this not to complain or moan about my conditions, but to spread awareness and hoping that this may be shared around to help those in need. Just a warning to those who are sensitive to this sort of information, there will be discussion about self-harm and suicide.

In Australia, our government supports those in need of professional mental heath help by providing them with a Mental Health Care Plan. A mental health care plan is based on a test and many observations and the results are written by a doctor for people to then get the support needed. An example of this test, called a K10 test, can be found at the beyondblue website found below in the description (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10) but if you are having questions about your mental health, please see a doctor.

The Mental Health Care Plan identifies what type of health care you need, and spells out what you and your doctor have agreed you are aiming to achieve. It also refers you to local mental health services.

I recently got mine updated, to be able to continue to see my councillor for free. With this test, I am granted 10 free sessions with her and need to renew this every year.

Due to mine being updated, I would like to share my results so that my viewers can understand me just a little bit more, although there are some things that I would like to keep private.

The Plan covers any relevant medication that I am currently taking, states my hospitalised mental health records and my family history with mental health.

On the bottom of the page, it states any relevant Medical Conditions also, these being ADHD and PDD.

Let’s start off with explaining these two conditions. Please note that each illness is individual to the person and effects everyone differently. Also note that these illnesses have been approved by a professional paediatrician. Please do not self-diagnose yourself via the internet.

ADHD

ADHD, or Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is a behavioural disorder, not an illness or a sign of low intelligence. People with ADHD have three main symptoms, being categorised as;

inattention – having difficulty concentrating, forgetting instructions, moving from one task to another without completing anything

impulsivity – talking over the top of others, having a ‘short fuse’, being accident prone

overactivity – constant restlessness and fidgeting

I have two of these symptoms, inattention and impulsivity, including one other that is not usually categorised; dreamer type, meaning that I am categorised as “non-hyperactive”

Having this symptom leads to being unable to tolerate a sensory overload, making it extremely hard for me to go to parties, be in classrooms, drive or work. I have to take everything very slowly and with lots of attention, which backfires because I always have my head in the clouds.

As a kid, I particularly enjoyed role-playing. I wrote scripts about being someone else, in numerous different situations. Writing was my passion, and still is today.

As a young adult, I struggle immensely with making and keeping friends. Always have and probably always will. People get put off by my poor people skills and not being aware of my surroundings.

Research shows that most little dreamers are female, and are therefore exposed to a different role expectation. Apparently, it is more acceptable for girls to be slightly scatterbrained, dreamy and slow. However, this becomes unacceptable once she starts school. Little dreamers are also rather clumsy when it comes to fine motor skills, so that no one realises how much effort has gone into the sloppily written homework. The biggest problem is remembering the homework assignments at all, and then starting them.

My biggest problem is told to go and do, but I forget half of it in the process. This happens so often at school and at work, and because I am so hypersensitive, unkind words or nasty looks hurt me to the core, to the point where I doubt myself so badly and become suicidal, flooded with self-loathing thoughts. The tears come far too quickly, and the I am powerless to stop them.

If you would like to read more about dreamers, here is an amazing e-book. http://www.medice.ch/indikationen-1/adhs/patienteninformationen/weiteres-adhs-infomaterial/traumerchen-engl..pdf

 PDD-NOS

PDD-NOS stands for Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified and means that I have a developmental delay. Having PDD-NOS also means that I have some signs of autism spectrum disorder (ASD), like difficulties with social communication and making friends as explained above, but they don’t meet the entire criteria for an ASD diagnosis.

This means that I find social interaction hard, or show repetitive behaviour with routines and rituals such as self-harming behaviour when I am sad.

Having PDD makes it incredibly difficult regulating behaviours and emotions, which may result in me having, anxiety attacks and experiencing mental breakdowns.

 Onto the next page of the report is a examinations. This includes a variety of questions and observations made by my doctor:

Mental Status Examination

Apperancy: Normal

Mood: Depressed

Thinking: Good

Affect: Blunted (meaning my answers were blunt and straight to the point)

Attention: Decreased

Sleep: Nightmares, disturbed sleep

Appetite: Decreased

Energy: Low

Memory: Short-term

Judgement: fair

Orientation: Normal

Speech: normal

Some may look at that and take it as I was just “having a bad day”. But you would be incorrect. That is usually how I am all the time.

Risk Assessment:

Suicidal thoughts: Yes

Current suicide plan: No

Suicidal intent: No (Meaning did I “really” want to die)

Risk to others: No

 On the next page was my K10 assessment, with my score being 39, the highest being 50 and on the next was my plan of what to do in a crisis and my mental health referral.

Mental illnesses were listed as Depression, Anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder.

 Depression:

I get it, everyone is sad right. But not everyone is depressed. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain making every thought and action worthless.

Some days it’s better, other days it’s worse. Some day’s I will wake up feeling incredibly depressed and other days are caused by something that has triggered me to be depressed, either chemically or emotionally.

My symptoms include;

The continuous feelings of sadness, emptiness or hopelessness.

Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters.

Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities.

Sleep disturbances.

Lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort.

 When I am feeling depressed, everything seems worthless. It is the reason why I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. When I drink, I drink to forget about my problems, hoping that they will go away.

 Anxiety

We can all experience anxious feelings sometimes – it might be about exam results, a job interview or even who will win the final of a sports match. These feelings are a normal part of life and can help us avoid danger or perform at our best. For some people though, their anxious feelings can be much more extreme. This anxiety is more than feeling stressed – it's a serious condition that makes day-to-day life difficult.

My anxiety stops me from asking questions, from making appointments to answering calls at work. I get so scared that I am going to mess up somehow and doubt myself.

 Borderline Personality Disorder

And finally, my newest addition, BPD. Being affected with BPD makes it difficult to manage my emotions and impulses and maintaining a stable self-image.

The symptoms that I experience include:

Feeling empty, low self-esteem

Paranoia or emotional detachment

Anxiety about relationships

 //I’m really sorry, I got really distracted from writing this, so it’s probably best to end this essay here. Let me end on this note: These issues do not define who I am. They are traits and I choose them not to rule over me. Yes I have bad days, but I am hopeful for my future!

Please share this with any friends or family that you feel would benefit from this.

And please get help if you need it.

 Love you all,

Oshynic xx

[cyanidekissesxoxo]

Personal connection to HFA paper... Call it the beginning of self-exploration?

I’m writing a personal connection paper to a study on High-Functioning Autism/Aspergers (which is a term I learned recently I guess is not as favored any more, but it’s been used - was the term I grew up with as far as other family members - and has identifiable traits that people not highly versed can identify with, so get over it.) I'd say do it.

My family is prone to HFA and ASD.. It has been suggested by family members over the years that I'm Asperger/HFA, but my dad & grandmother never pushed to test (my Dad is also most likely undiagnosed Aspergers/HFA), and I felt growing up that my aunt's coddlement of my cousin and his disabilities allowed him to use his disabilities as a sort of crutch through life, where he may have worked with them a little better otherwise, so I took the route of solidly denying any disability chance, and just told myself it was just personal shortcoming -- I needed to make extra effort to be organized, to be on task, etc.

In a way, I don't regret the path I took - I own and run a dog rescue at 26 that I did all the legal paperwork and filing on, I work 28 hours a week as a trainer, and people constantly compliment me on how motivated and put together I am... however, there's also major issues in my life that I'm working through and have led me to explore the ASDs a little more personally at this point:

- I have a horrible sense of organization. I gravitate towards the neatness of everything in places, boxes, etc.. but maintaining organization is horrible... in about a week, my car/room will go from spotless to like a homeless hurricane hit... I'm getting better about setting myself on a strict path of putting things back in their exact place as soon as I use them, and I do find myself thinking about it more, but still, I battle with chaos and disorder... paperwork seems to jumble itself, etc... Then I become stressed and non-functioning (or functioning out of necessity but not necessarily doing well), and this cycle repeats and repeats. As a child, I was a tornado too, but because there was no attempt to diagnose an illness (by 8th grade I was in IEP for being Emotionally Disturbed - a result of bringing part of my beloved knife collection to school which a friend used to cut herself after "borrowing" one, and I believe ADHD at that time as well, which I'll get into more late), so my messiness was seen as defiance, and punished.

- ADHD or HFA? & Substance abuse issues: In about 10th grade, I was put on Vyvanse for ADHD. I'd already been convinced to try meth by girls in the neighborhood I'd known since I was little, and it got out of control because the main benefit I saw was I WAS FINALLY GETTING THAT MATH HOMEWORK I WAS BEHIND ON DONE!!... well, Vyvanse made me get schoolwork done too, but in a jittery, hyper-focused way that reminded me too much of methamphetamine, so I used it on and off for school for maybe a school year, but it did not answer my problems long term, and was not enjoyable. If HFA is a contributer for these issues, it is possible that being diagnosed properly and treated in a different way would not have more beneficial effect than Vyvanse, and it's also possible that with proper support and help, I may not have chose/continued to use meth to try to catch up on math, because I could have had plans in place in school, and better management at home, to not get as behind as I did in the first place.

- (Un)Comfortable Conversation/Specialized Interests: Between the fallout from separating from a group of drug related people from above, conflict with my family from childhood on (my grandmother thought I was insolent and "taunting" her when I would SHRIEK in fear as a child of punishment, among other conflicts), and never really fitting in at school from a young age, and losing friends rapidly and telling my grandmother at home, who would wonder out loud, "How do you go through friends so fast? Are you doing something? Picking wrong friends?"... so from 3rd grade on, the self-belief that I was difficult to make friends with, I was different, and that my friendships weren't that strong because I couldn't relate to them in similar ways began to grow & got stronger over the years, and now as an adult, I go into almost panic attacks about new social situations sometimes, and it takes me a LONG time to trust, get close to new people, and they often consider me a friend before I've reached that comfort zone... not because I'm antisocial -- I can remember one of my earliest childhood grievances being: "I just want to be everyone's friend! I want everyone to like me!!!", but because I'm terrified, awkward, feel like a burden or sore thumb sometimes, and feel that I either talk waaaaay too much, or I can't make small talk like normal people do (what do you say? "Hey, so, beautiful weather we're having today!" sounds staged. Even if it didn't, what do I say after that? How do I keep the conversation going??!)...

Social Impact: If I had been diagnosed with HFA as a child by a medical professional (assuming I am), I could have possibly had action plans, exercises in developing social skills, being interested in a wider set of topics people want to talk about, not being SO excited to predict what someone's going to say and finishing their sentence, or slowly down with my eagerness to reply once I get talking. I could have grown up with less of the belief that it was something I was doing, that I pushed people away after a while or that I wasn't as good as their other friends --- in actuality, I had a lot of problem behavior as a child as you can see, and I gravitated to problem people throughout my life (in grade school, I have no answer for, other than moving from very diverse Anaheim to Temecula which was still pretty small, I was a culture shock in addition to all my oddities... but in the end of middle school up through high school, I hung out with kids who drank, smoked, and honestly burned through other people too, so this is a partial answer... but again, what behavioral and environmental aspects may have caused me to gravitate towards that type?..)

Adult impact: My biggest problem has come later in life. Throughout high school, I hung out with bad kids, like I said... I did great meeting new people, because I had a very comfortable approach of "Hi, I'm Mariah, let's get drunk and make bad decisions", and substance abuse was my crutch that allowed me to socialize, plus conversation is pretty easy and unjudged when everyone is drunk. However, turning 19 and getting away from those kind of people steadily til 23 left me realizing: I don't drink anymore.. NOW how do I talk to people?! This point was where I retreated a lot into the solace of my dogs, as I've done throughout my childhood, and the training/dog rescue/veterinary school aspiration began to take place. I am now 26 with all of this great stuff going on, but A) dogs are now my comfort zone. I'll talk your ear off about that with no social anxiety. If we're not talking about dogs, I'm still probably really uncomfortable and unable to casually maintain conversation as well. B) Dog rescue & training has become my therapy from my social awkwardnesses, and I push myself HARD to achieve for a continuous sense of self-satisfaction (which is generally pretty short-lived on my end: off to the next mountain to climb! And the next!)... I am now stressed, irritable, and experience panic attacks probably once a week. But also, because there is not much of a social group (I have accumulated a small but very important, intellectual, successful group, many who are working through very similar issues with themselves aside from organization), I have more time to overwork myself, when other people are out going to movies, doing random things, etc... So if I had more focus on developing and maintaining social confidence, that is possibly less grief I could have gone through.

For my family, and if I get the diagnosis when I see a medical provider, HFA is not a horrible diagnosis (I know I'm talking about all the negatives above) -- my family is phenomenally more intellectual than anyone I know, the creativity abounds in individual ways, and the original ideas and approaches to things that I have amaze people -- I've always just thought of things in different terms and solutions than other people, and was surprised when they commented on it --- "Why WOULDN'T you think of that?!"...

I think my fear of the stigma and label was the worst thing. "What if people don't like me? What if they think I'm crazy or stupid?"... well. A lot of people DIDN'T like me anyway, some without ever meeting me... that's not going to change, and it happens to typically developed people as well. I feel that instead, people disliked me anyway, but I ended up internalizing that and then being uncomfortable with myself, or not liking myself. Some people still think I'm stupid with or without a label, but talking to me, reading my writing, or looking at my test scores would disprove that in a second... And to keep a clean, put-together appearance over the years so people wouldn't think I was crazy... well, that turned into me instead wondering if I was crazy.

It's totally possible that I don't have any ASD, and that my issues are personal or from other places (childhood abuse, etc), I haven't been diagnosed or not officially yet - this group is the beginning of my exploration and path to being tested... but even if I'm not, if I had been tested, I wouldn't be here wondering.

I think finding out is your best option. No, your child doesn't? Well, then on with life as usual! But if they do, I genuinely feel the diagnosis and proper management, counseling, and building as an adult will help your child love themselves more, enjoy more out of life, and prepare better to be an adult.

Good luck!

[alterouspotato]

Autism Acceptance Month 2018, Day 3 (Belated):  My Diagnosis/Discovery Story

Yes, I know this is a day late.  To compensate, I’ll be posting both Day 3 and 4 today, so you’ll get extra autistic anecdotes.  Here’s my story!

I figured out I had ADHD before I figured out I was autistic.  At first, I thought ADHD explained everything about me.  But after a while, I noticed how much I was relating to the autistic community, and even to Temple Grandin when I watched the movie about her. I struggled with this immensely: not believe I was autistic myself, and not wanting to appropriate or make light of the autistic community.  I eventually found the term “autistic cousin”.  I was relieved, but it didn’t last long.  Soon the prospect of being autistic myself seemed more and more likely.

The therapist I was seeing at the time thought I showed signs of it, but she wasn’t qualified to do anything more than that.  So I finally got up the courage to do some research myself.  I took as many diagnostic quizzes as I could find, then went into reading about autistic people’s stories and seeing what life was like from their perspective.  Once I found the DSM criteria, I checked that against my own life and saw things matching up. My partner also related to what I was finding, and we ended up looking into it together.  

After everything I had read, after getting a detailed picture of what autism was like, I knew it fit me and my experience.  I self-diagnosed (along with my partner) and joined the autistic community.

But I knew self-diagnosis wouldn’t be enough for some of the things I needed.  For one, telling others I was autistic would always have the risk of them asking for official “credentials”, which I wouldn’t be able to provide.  For another, I knew I would need support and accommodations for any jobs or schooling I did in the future.  I couldn’t get that if I wasn’t confirmed.

When I left my previous therapist and went to a new mental health care provider, I brought it up with them, citing the research I had done.  They agreed that autism was very likely, but they needed an official second opinion.  Eventually I was referred to Easter Seals for a neuropsychological evaluation, both to confirm my autism and to clarify my mental illnesses.  When they mailed me my results a few weeks later, I was terrified. But it turned out my worry was for nothing.  They had confirmed that I met the criteria for ASD.  I was official.

This confirmation was fairly recent, and I’m still so grateful that I had the resources to get it. Any negative effects of being official to me are far outweighed by knowing I have the ability to disclose my autism and get accommodations in the future.  Now I feel free to advocate for myself and for the rest of my community, and I feel even more free to be myself.

[bbreaddog]

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