#for the record I live in the south and am queer

[blonde-elf-gf]

The Rat Grinder Helio cleric talks exactly like so many gay men I know. That baby is G A Y gay!

[waitmyturtles]

At a bar in Euljiro, one of Seoul’s up-and-coming hip neighborhoods, two voices intertwined in a duet. One was high-pitched, the other an octave lower.

But there was only one singer, a 27-year-old named jiGook. The other voice was a recording made years ago, before he began his transition and hormone therapy deepened his voice.

“I don’t want to forget about my old self,” he told the 50 or so people at the performance, a fund-raiser for a group that supports young L.G.B.T.Q. Koreans. “I love myself before I started hormone therapy, and I love myself as who I am now.”

Like many other South Korean singers, jiGook, who considers himself gender fluid, transmale and nonbinary, wants to be a K-pop star. So do Prin and SEN, his bandmates in QI.X, a fledgling group that has released two singles.

What makes them unusual is that they are proudly out — in their music, their relationship with their fans and their social activism. They call themselves one of the first openly queer, transgender K-pop acts, and their mission has as much to do with changing South Korea’s still-conservative society as with making music.

In the group’s name — pronounced by spelling out the letters — Q stands for queer, I for idol and X for limitless possibilities. Park Ji-yeon, the K-pop producer who started QI.X, says it is “tearing down the heteronormative walls of society.”

Very few K-pop artists, or South Korean entertainers in general, have ever been open about being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer. Though the country has become somewhat more accepting of sexual diversity, homophobia is still prevalent, and there are no legal protections against discrimination.

For entertainers, coming out is seen as a potential career killer, said Cha Woo-jin, a music critic in Seoul. That applies even to K-pop, despite its young, increasingly international fan base and its occasional flirtation with androgyny and same-sex attraction.

“K-pop fans seem to accept the queer community and imagery so long as their favorite stars don’t come out explicitly,” Mr. Cha said.

That’s not a compromise that QI.X is willing to make.

The bandmates’ social media accounts, which promote their causes along with their music, are up front about who they are. So are their singles, “Lights Up” (“The hidden colors in you / I see all the colors in you”) and “Walk & Shine,” which Mx. Park says “celebrates the lives and joy of minorities.”

“Someday, we want to be on everyone’s streaming playlist,” said Prin, 22.

As a producer, Mx. Park, 37, who identifies as queer and nonbinary, has worked on hits for well-known K-pop acts like GOT7 and Monsta X. But she wanted to make music that spoke directly to people like her, with “an artist who could encapsulate our lives, love, friendships and farewells.”

She met some of the QI.X members through a K-pop music class she started in 2019, designed with queer performers in mind. (In other classes, she said, “It was assumed that female participants only wanted to learn girl-group songs and male participants only boy-group songs.”)

SEN, 23, said that when Mx. Park asked her to join QI.X, “it was as if a genie in a bottle had come to me.”

SEN had been a dancer and a choreographer for several K-pop management agencies, including BTS’s agency, Big Hit Entertainment, now known as HYBE. The people she worked with knew she was queer, and they were welcoming.

But whenever she auditioned to join an idol group, she said, she “never fit the bill for what they wanted.” People would say she was too short or boyish, or comment about her cropped hair.

That’s not an issue for QI.X, which doesn’t aspire to the immaculately styled look of the typical K-pop act (and, in any case, couldn’t afford the ensemble of stylists those groups have). Individuality, they say, is part of the point.

QI.X often performs at fund-raisers, for L.G.B.T.Q. and other causes, and sees its music as inseparable from its activism. Maek, for instance, an original member who sang on both singles but is on hiatus from the group, works for the Seoul Disabled People’s Rights Film Festival and volunteers for a transgender rights organization.

With no support from a management agency, Mx. Park and the group do everything themselves. They handle their own bookings and manage their social media presence, recording videos themselves to post on TikTok and Instagram.

Many of the videos are shot at LesVos, an L.G.B.T.Q. bar in Seoul that often serves as QI.X’s studio and rehearsal hall. Myoung-woo YoonKim, 68, who has run LesVos since the late 1990s, grew up at a time when lesbians were practically invisible in South Korea. “I would often think, ‘Am I the only woman who loves women?’” they said.

The QI.X members adore Mx. YoonKim, whom they call hyung, a Korean word for older brother. During a recent video session at LesVos, after dozens of increasingly comical lip-syncing takes of “Walk & Shine,” Mx. YoonKim started to join in. Before long, everyone was bent over with laughter.

To a casual observer of K-pop, it might seem surprising that so few of its artists are out. As Mr. Cha, the music critic, notes, L.G.B.T.Q. imagery has been known to surface in K-pop videos and in ads featuring its stars.

Some critics see this phenomenon as “queerbaiting,” a cynical attempt to attract nonconformist fans — or to deploy gender-bending imagery because it’s seen as trendy — without actually identifying with them. To Mr. Cha, it suggests that K-pop has a substantial queer fan base, and that some artists might simply be expressing their identities to the extent they can.

Mr. Cha thinks the taboo against entertainers’ coming out reflects a general attitude toward pop culture in South Korea: “We pay for you, therefore don’t make us uncomfortable.” (Similar attitudes seem to prevail in Japan, where one pop idol recently made news by telling fans he was gay.)

QI.X’s fans, who call themselves QTZ (a play on “cuties”), love the group for charging over that boundary. Many are overseas and follow the group online, leaving enthusiastic messages. “I’m so happy I can finally have an artist in the K-pop industry that I can relate to on a gender level, on a queer level,” one said in a video message to the group. “I’m so excited for you!”

The band also gets hateful messages, which its members do their best to ignore. Prin, 22, is optimistic that attitudes in South Korea are changing. (Joining QI.X was Prin’s way of coming out as gender queer, but friends were much more surprised by the news that Prin was in an idol group.)

The biggest show of QI.X’s career, so far, was in July at a Pride event, the Seoul Queer Culture Festival. In recent years, it had been held at Seoul Plaza, a major public square. But this year, the city denied organizers permission to hold it there, letting a Christian group use the space for a youth concert instead.

Activists saw that as discrimination, though the city denied it. Conservative Christians are a powerful force in South Korean politics, having lobbied successfully for years to block a bill that would prevent discrimination against gay, lesbian and transgender people. Organizers held the festival in Euljiro.

For its set, QI.X had about 20 backup performers, some of whom were their friends (Mx. YoonKim was one of them). They had rehearsed only once together, on the festival stage that morning, because they hadn’t had the money to rent a big studio.

Christian protesters were picketing the festival, some with signs that read “Homosexuality not human rights but SIN.” But fans were there, too. As QI.X sang “Lights Up” and “Walk & Shine,” hundreds crowded in front of the stage, many wearing headbands that were purple, the group’s color. There were Pride flags, and signs that read “We only see you QI.X.”

Hours later, the excitement still hadn’t faded for QI.X. “I felt alive for the first time in a while,” SEN said.

Text by Jin Yu Young, photos by Chang W. Lee (if you have a NY Times subscription or a free trial, the videos and photos of this piece are wonderful!)

[calvinphil]

HELLO MY TUMBLR QUEER COMMUNITY,🌈

Below are some of the most harrowing images from a series of attacks that we, LGBTQ refugees in South Sudan, have suffered. These pictures are graphic and deeply disturbing, but I share them to give you an unfiltered glimpse into the harsh realities we face every day.

When I write about the injustices and violence that LGBTQ refugees endure here in Gorom refugee camp, South Sudan, I am not speaking in abstractions. These are real people, my friends and fellow refugees, who have been scarred—both physically and emotionally—by relentless persecution. Some of us bear the weight of permanent injuries, while others carry visible scars from beatings, burns, police harassments, bullets, and other brutal attacks.

These images are not just a record of the past; they are a plea for the world's attention. Many of my fellow LGBTQ refugees still urgently need medical care—scans, surgeries, and treatments that we simply cannot afford. Our resources are limited, and we are calling on those with the means to help us survive and heal.

We are 15 strong, but we are not alone. We need your support to continue fighting for our dignity, our safety, and our right to live without fear.

Thank you for standing with us.🌈🏳️‍⚧️

[teaah-art]

Desi LGBT Fest 2023 (hosted by @desi-lgbt-fest)

Day 7 : Faith/Rituals of Love

Definitely geared heavily towards the 'Faith' part of this prompt as soon as I read it!

If being Queer is defying conventions and if being a part of the Queer community means going against heteronormativity and gender conformity, is it not Queer to forego materialistic ties and the love of a human partner and embrace the love of a greater being you have only heard about in stories?

All four individuals featured here were integral part of the Bhakti Movement and/or Sufism in South Asia. None were married other than Meerabai.

(Panel order from top to bottom)

Chaitanya Mahaprabhu (1486-1534) : A key name of the Bhakti Movement and the Gauriya Vaishnav tradition in 15th Century Bengal, Chaitanya Mahaprabhu was believed to have been a vessel for both Radha and Krishna. Bengali doesn't use pronouns or gendered language and we may never know what they would have preferred to be identified as in a language they didn't know (English), I will simply resort to using They/Them for them. Their written teachings are few and far between but the verse mentioned here is the seventh verse of the only written record of their teachings, the Shikshastakam - a collection of 8 total verses. The translation here is my own and quite literal so that the interpretation is left to the reader.

Meerabai (1498-1597) : [CW : IMPLIED QUEERPHOBIA/APHOBIA] Meerabai was born into Rajput royalty and was married off, also to Rajput royalty, in likely an arranged marriage. While most of the stories surrounding her are folklore whose historicity is yet to be confirmed, her marital status can be confirmed, and so can her devotion and affection for Krishna and the divine, which she has herself penned in numerous poems and songs. Folklore does strongly imply that she was non-committal to her marriage and that her in-laws tried to poison her to death multiple times for it.

Kabir (1398–1448 or 1440–1518) : Found as an orphan by a Muslim weaver couple, Kabir's religion grew to become somewhat of an enigma for future generations. His stance, however, on the topic romance and marital relationships is quite clear - he looked down upon them and a huge chunk of his couplets strongly imply that romantic and sexual relations simply obstruct spiritual enlightenment.

Bulleh Shah (1680-1757) : Bulleh Shah, though an ardent proponent of loving the divine, was declared a Kafir, a non-believer/non-Muslim by a quite a few Muslim clerics of the time. He was known for speaking up against existing power hierarchies of the time and used vernacular speech for his writings (Punjabi, Sindhi) which not only served to popularize his works, but also let people connect to his words.

A personal note on my motivations under the cut.

A while back when I was actively going through the anxiety of finding out that I am ace and that I will never fit into the current South Asian society that the wedding industry has a chokehold on, I desperately wanted to see people from my own culture living happily without a partner. During one of my history rabbit hole escapedes, I restumbled upon the story of Meerabai, how she always insisted on loving and devoting herself towards Krishna, despite being married into a normative and wealthy household and despite her in-laws repeatedly attempting to poison her for not committing to her husband. Most of us from India grow up hearing about Meerabai, her spiritual connections to Krishna, and her struggles. The moral of those stories is always framed as 'believe in god, he will help you through tough times'. But this was the first time I was making a different connection, I was drawing different morals. And when I took Meerabai's non-conformity to her married life and started looking for more examples like hers, I was overwhelmed by how many more individuals existed without a partner, condemned being in a normative, married relationship, admitted to having lost human connections and faced resistance even, and yet stayed true to their orientation and sounded HAPPY! It was extremely hard to narrow it down to these four, but these do make my point! Labels are hard to transpose across cultures and history. But if being queer means being nonconforming of marital structures and being aspec/arospec implies neutrality, indifference, or aversion to romance and intercourse, then no one fits the label if they don't.

[olderthannetfic]

olderthannetfic/729300911208448001/the-reason-theres-more-positivity-for

This is trolling. No one assumes trans men are masculine. We get called boys even in our 30s, drawn as skinny white AFABs in layers of soft clothing, and reassured that it's okay if we want to kiss other boys. Actually, being assured that you're a cutie patootie fem uwu is really dysphoria inducing for a lot of trans men. I was on tumblr when I had just come out when I was 15 and it was incredibly discouraging to see the posts fawning over adorable wittle twans bois. I'm 25, I don't want to hold hands with a boy, I want to fuck a man. I don't want to change my hobbies and I don't care if people think it's toxic masculinity that makes me like "manly" things (way to assign the binary to activities, real progressive of you) and I don't get anything from "let boys be soft" with clapping emojis and sparkles inbetween every word with glittering font. "No actually it's good to not support part of a marginalized group!" no. Your trolling is shit and so are you.

And the idea that ace people are assumed to be against sex actually made me laugh out loud. I'm working on my doctorate and actually, on college campuses? I've heard from professors - not students, professors, adults old enough to have college-age kids - that ace people have sex at the same rate as straights but they need more foreplay, ace people just need more time to get to know you but after that they're sexually indistinguishable from heterosexuals, that asexuality isn't real, that asexuality is an internet label people use instead of admitting that they can't get laid, and my least favorite, that any man who says he's asexual is actually an incel/that asexuality is another term for incels and femcels. Then you hop online and the internet goes, "Ace people love sex! Ace people love kink! Ace people have just as much sexual attraction as other people! You'r'e valid if you're ace and fuck/do kink/are attracted to everyone!" and if there's positivity for people who are ace who aren't into sex, I've yet to see it. Hell, being not into sex gets you labeled "repulsed", like you're retreating from it the way the Wicked Witch of the West would from water and not just not into it. That happened even in OTNF's own comment section, and these are not uneducated people when it comes to queerness, we've just normalized that sex is a part of everyone's identity so much that even if you're asexual, it's weird and must be a repulsion thing if you're not into it. "Uh actually everyone assumes [__] so there's no need for positivity for [__]" fucking where?! Where are all these people who assume being asexual = not wanting sex?

For the record, I got my undergrad at two different universities due to a change of major, got my master's at another, and am getting my doctorate at a fourth, all in four different US states. One was in the Northeast, one was in the South, one was in the Midwest and now I'm on the West Coast. And I have never encountered people who assume trans men are manly or that asexual people don't have sex.

I have encountered sex negative asexuals, people who get so upset they leave the room if you make a joke involving them and sex, who interrupt the professor mid-lecture to say, "Ace people have sex!", though. That's how deeply this is ingrained in some people's minds, they will say it even when it does not apply to them, even when it's the opposite of themselves, so they can make sure they are Educating The Cishetallos and, more importantly, then share the moment they had to do so with their progressive friends for brownie points/in order to be seen as One Of The Good Queers who educates others.

As for the weird thing in the troll ask pretending anyone who talks about their lived experience believes in a conspiracy... do yourself a favor and get help bringing up your literacy before you take the SAT/ACT, kid. Not only is your trolling shit but you don't understand what the word conspiracy means. Someone saying, "[insert thing here] happened to me" is not a conspiracy and this is why your English teachers gave you C's - to get you out of their classroom and make your lack of comprehension someone else's problem.

In the event this wasn't a troll but was actually what you read, please get two tutors and possibly a screening for any latent anxiety or mental illnesses that would explain how you read people venting about shitty life experiences and thought they believed there was a conspiracy of some kind going on. Because that's the kind of making shit up out of thin air my dad, who has diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Paranoid Personality Disorder, would do, and it's not a great sign if you read people going, "the people around me are shitty about this" and jumped to "the people who sent those asks are saying there's a conspiracy theory against them and I am the one sole person who can see the truth here!"

I really don't know how to explain this to people but if someone says something is shitty on their campus, they're saying something is shitty on their campus. It's not a personal attack or conspiracy. Sometimes shit fucking sucks and it's exactly that deep.

--

You wouldn't think "Someone had a stupid-ass opinion on my college campus" would be that hard to believe.

[barbwritesstuff]

Top 5 TV series!

I forgot I put that 'top five' thing into my queue and wasn't sure what prompted this message until I scrolled back through my blog.

Thanks for the ask, anon! I hope you're ready for some unpopular (and very dated) picks.*

5. Art Attack

Look, I was a lonely kid. For much of my childhood it was just me and my brother... and this very keen British man who taught me how to turn scrap paper, paint, and foil into my own spaceship cockpit. Ideas from this show allowed me to decorate my room as a kid, got me through high school art class, and saved my arse several times when I was a kindergarten teacher in South Korea.

One of the best informational programmes ever made. They should bring it back.

4. Air Crash Investigation

I'm sorry. I know it's cheap. I know it's tacky. I know all that. But I love this show. I love learning about and solving mysteries that aren't murders (sorry Sherlock), and the terrible acting makes it so much better. I can't watch this show with people, because I always try to guess the cause of the crash before the end of the episode and yell it out... and I don't know anything about planes to I'm usually very wrong.

Example:

Me: "It's the bulkhead! Check the bulkhead, you fools!"

Voice over: "The investigators check the bulkhead, but find nothing."

Me: "Yes! Because it's clearly the wings, like I've been saying all along."

3. Justice League Animated Series

I got into this series really late. I'd just moved out of home for the first time to go to film school and was having a hard time making friends. I don't know how it happened, but I somehow ended up watching the entirety of the DC Animated Universe during that time, which is impressive, because internet was expensive and terrible where I was living, so I had to go to the library, download episodes, and walk the 45 minutes home carrying my massive old laptop. It was a feat, but it was worth it. This show did what the Avengers couldn't, made me love superheroes.

2. Yu-Gi-Oh!

When I was 12 I was the best Yugioh player in my school. Sure, it wasn't a big school, and not everyone was into the game, but it was still a big deal for me, especially as I was also the only girl who played. The game has since evolved way beyond my skill level, but at the time, I was a god among mortals. 12 year old mortals, but still. I got up early every morning to see the latest episode, and then I went to school ready to d-d-d-d-duel.

Xena: Warrior Princess

I'm sorry. This show is just so nostalgic for me. For a while, I grew up on a farm with no actual TV signal, but we did have old VHS recordings of Xena and I watched it religiously. Lucy Lawless is amazing and this show is forever the best thing to come out of the 90s (and I say that while also, myself, being a product of the 90s). It has:

Monsters

Magic

Mayhem

Queer Love (not explicitly stated, but this wasn't queerbaiting, this was censorship, they were a couple by the mid point of the series, they just couldn't say it, so instead they made a lot of unsubtle sex jokes and came up with obscure reasons why they always had to kiss to save the world).

Aotearoa (New Zealand is the most beautiful place on the planet, I'm sorry if you disagree, you are wrong).

Tonal whiplash (not just between episodes, but sometimes in the same episode, and it was wild)

One very horny vampire episode

Xena can sometimes fly without any explanation

They met an early reincarnation of Jesus and he was a conman living in India?

You know that scene where Character A gets hurt and Character B goes absolutely feral? This.

Leather bikinis and ninja kicks except it's ancient Greece, maybe

The musical episode was the best episode

They fight on ladders a lot and I just think that's neat

*Disclaimer: I am into more modern and normal things but I'm in a nostalgic mood, so these are the things you get to hear about today.

[bxrtycrouchjr-is-a-theatre-kid]

'Why do we need pride month' aka my y11 gcse speech

My first memory was small, little, 5-year-old me, looking in the mirror and thinking, “You do not look like a [my deadname]”. That’s the first thought I can remember, word for word. Looking in the mirror and not recognizing the face that looks back, is not the biggest hardship these people face. Now I am not the only person who has had these experiences, in the 2021 UK census, 0.5% of the population said that their gender was different from that at birth, and that’s just those over 16 who answered the question. This group of people who are part of the LGBT community. 

Now, we all know of the LGBT community, all know people in it, friends, families, acquaintances, celebrities, all that jazz. There is two whole months of celebrating, February and June, LGBT History month and Pride month, respectively. And, well, I’m sure we’ve all heard, maybe said, maybe thought pf a simple question: ‘Why do we need Pride Month?’ 

Pride Month, set in June, is filled with celebration, parades, floats, weird things in stores that are just there for corporation’s capitalist games. Many of us have issues with the way that companies have commercialised a period of joy and triumph over hardships. By turning this month, a time of celebrating, into a time of consummation of as many distastefully designed products as they can, businesses have ignored the persecution, execution, homicide, and torture inflicted on the LGBT community in favour of making a pretty penny. You might be thinking ‘doesn’t doing it in the name of the community help? No, not when they aren’t working to educate people. Not when they don’t donate even the smallest part of their profit to an LGBT charity, actions speak louder than words, so if these companies are really trying to help, they should practise what they preach.  

You may think I’m saying: ‘No we don’t need Pride Month,’ but I am instead saying the exact opposite, we need the celebration. We need education on the history, hardships, and rights of a group of people that make up a rough 20% of our world (that is 1 in 5 people). We should donate to charities that help Queer People who are homeless, on the run or being abused because of something that they were literally born as. We must look at our laws and how they prevent those who aren’t cis-het from living a normal life. But we must also step away from looking at the pretty face of Pride and instead see how we can change for the better. 

In 2021, there were 375 recorded murders of trans people globally with 95% being trans women. This number has been steadily increasing every year, and I would like you to remember that this is recorded deaths where the motivation was because the victim was trans. In 69 countries it is illegal to be queer (as of 2020)including Barbados, Malaysia, Saint Kitts and Nevis and Liberia (Afghanistan, Algeria, Antigua & Barbuda, Bangladesh, Barbados, Bhutan, Brunei, Burundi, Cameroon, Chad, Comoros, Cook Islands, Dominica, Egypt, Eritrea, Eswatini, Ethiopia, Gambia, Ghana, Grenada, Guinea, Guyana, Iran, Jamaica, Kenya, Kiribati, Kuwait, Lebanon, Liberia, Libya, Malawi, Malaysia, Maldives, Mauritania, Mauritius, Morocco, Myanmar, Namibia, Nigeria, Occupied Palestinian Territory (Gaza Strip), Oman, Pakistan, Papua New Guinea, Qatar, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and The Grenadines, Samoa, Saudi Arabia, Senegal, Sierra Leone, Singapore, Solomon Islands, Somalia, South Sudan, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Syria, Tanzania, Togo, Tonga, Tunisia, Turkmenistan, Tuvalu, Uganda, Uzbekistan, Yemen, Zambia, Zimbabwe- include list in PowerPoint-)- in fact 70% of the commonwealth it is illegal. Now, here we should be both proud and disturbed that this is something we are proud of, in only 10 countries is homosexuality punished through capital punishment. That is right, being executed because of who you are, including Brunei, Nigeria, Somalia and Yemen. (Afghanistan, Brunei, Iran, Mauritania, Nigeria, Quatar, Saudi Arabia, Somalia, UAE, and Yemen -include list on PowerPoint-). 

In England and Wales only decriminalised male homosexuality in 1967 (with female homosexuals legal throughout time and law which makes relatively little sense because either they didn’t believe lesbians exist or some other strange reason). However, despite being frowned upon, male homosexuality was only punishable by death from 1533 in the UK, another reason to despise Henry VIII. It was only in 2001 when the age of consent for queer couples was lowered to 16, the same as the heterosexuals. In 2000, people could be openly queer in the military, in 2005 both the legal ability to change gender and Same-Sex civil partnership was legalised and in 2014, the same was applied to Same-Sex Marriage. Surprisingly it was only 2020 when Northern Ireland did the same, with Cuba and Slovenia legalising in 2022 and Andorra’s Same-Sex marriage laws coming into affect this year. A total of 34 countries have legalised Same-sex marriage, including Argentina, Ecuador, Mexico and Taiwan. (Andorra, Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Chile, Colombia, Costa Rica, Cuba, Denmark, Ecuador, Finland, France, Germany, Iceland, Ireland, Luxembourg, Malta, Mexico, Netherlands,, New Zealand, Norway, Portugal, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, United Kingdom, United States, Uruguay -include list on PowerPoint?). 

Now as we can see through legislation, despite us getting excited about 34 countries doing the bare minimum, there is still a lot of work for us to do. However, it is best to understand why we need Pride month if we look back at its origins. Pride Month originated after the Stonewall riots in the US 1969, the UK had their first Pride celebration in 1972, thus the 50-year celebration in the New Years celebration last year. The Stonewall Riots began in the 28th June 1969 when Police raided the Stonewall Inn, brutalised a number of patrons for being suspected homosexuals, female police officers to certain Patrons into the bathroom to check their sex because they thought they were crossdressing- there where laws on crossdressing which is mad- and it ended with the Patrons fighting back, a catalyst that started a gay rights movement. Now if you have heard ‘Glad To Be Gay’ by the Tom Robinson band, or you are a Marauders fan, or you just pay attention in History, you would know that up until the 1980s, Police would raid gay pubs and arrest queer people for stuff like resisting arrest- which makes no sense because why would they be being arrested for resisting arrest, what was the original charge?- and there was just a lot of violence against the LGBT community, because that is exactly what they needed during the AIDs epidemic when they were losing many friends and lovers to an invisible enemy.  

Now with that briefest History you will ever get from me, I do hope you see how important it is that we recognise, remember and rebel for the sake of the millions of people killed throughout time for being something that God made them. We need pride month to remember the trials and tribulations, we have, are and will face but also show how far we have come. Hopefully next time you think about a question similar to this one, or choose to completely disregard common sense, you will remember why the LGBT community shout, fight, rebel, cry, celebrate and laugh, and rethink what you’re saying.

umm yh idk why im sharing this. this was the first draft (i couldn't find the last lol' but yh hope you enjoyed.

[mysmorgasbordoffantabulosa]

sometimes wonder jk really loves and care for tae, seems to be his feelings somehow changed over time and priorities shifted. Why he is so keen to promote this ship? Like why?" - That is c-r-i-t-i-c-i-s-m// Maybe l am not good at explaining in English, which isn’t my first language. That’s myself trying to reason out my thoughts while summing up incidents watching them nearly 5+ years. ( not criticising) Also compare it to how in reality couples behave, very protective of each other and their relationship. Normal scenario is partner/family is important rather than friends. I was there throughout 2018 to 2020 when jk heavy involved in that ship and memories 2018 to 2020 is there as proof plus all the concerts and tour moments of name not ship. l get your point saying we haven’t got much recently, l agree. That’s because no tours, no concerts and no group content. But still we get it from pre recorded content. No new content doesn’t mean that’s gonna erase and burry the past of shall not name ship

Ok language barriers can be problematic when trying to get you're point across, so I won't press the issue.

But how is JK supporting FACE in anyway about him not being seen to be protective/supportive of Tae? It's not. JK can support a friend, and still be protective of a lover. Just because JK doesn't show that protectiveness and at the fandoms earliest convenience he's now dumping on Tae? That doesn't make sense to me.

You can choose to believe that he's betraying Tae, but I and many others don't. Also remember HE LIVES IN SOUTH KOREA, this isn't London, Los Angeles or even Toyko. SK is a still very conservative and any queer relationship must tread very, very lightly, so please forgive JK if he doesn't shout to the rooftops that he loves and cares for Tae.

[orthopunkfox]

A Queer Book Rec (and my life story because I'm extra)

This post will be long and semi-autobiographical but I ask my friends to please bear with me as I think it will be beneficial.

I have started rereading (as a form of self care to preserve my sanity) the book Real Queer America by trans journalist and author Samantha Allen (who also currently writes for my favorite queer magazine "Them" and received a GLAAD Media award in 2018 for her work, seriously she's a hero of mine and I really hope to meet her in person one day). Real Queer America is a semi-autobiographical work about queer culture in red states and is one of the first books I read when I came out as trans. In its pages, Allen highlights the thriving queer communities that exist in hostile areas, revealing the beauty of queer culture in some of the most draconian states on record. The fact that she spends a large section of the book in Bloomington, Indiana where she met her now wife (who was studying queer porn at the Kinsey Institute at IU honestly how cool must this couple be?!) is a big bonus for my fellow Hoosiers. I've started a tradition of reading this book at least once a year and those closest to me will often hear me refer to it as my queer bible. It has loads of encouragement for f@gs like me who love our little red states and have no intention of leaving.

When I tell other queer friends that despite having spent time in both New York and LA, I choose to live 20 miles south of the house I grew up in, I’m usually met with confusion and shock. I think most people expect me to be in regular danger of being gang SAd by hillbillies in a cornfield somewhere. But the way I see it, the hills and woods and river valleys of Southern Indiana are my home. I was born here and I have just as much right to live here as anyone. Growing up in a stereotypical conservative evangelical household (I frequently heard my father brag that he voted for Reagan twice) with an healthy dash of emotional and physical abuse (my clearest earliest memory is my mother shoving me out of a dining room chair and throttling me on the ground when I was about 6), being anti LGBTQ+ was a given.

My religiously homophobic parents certainly did not ask for a queer kiddo and yet, God has a sense of humor. And so at the age of 11 when I began struggling with my gender and sexuality, I automatically and correctly assumed that I could not go to my parents for help. The things my parents discovered due to my negligence cost me dearly, threats of conversion therapy and military school from my father and more...direct physical consequences from my mother. My secret boyfriend in high school likely still wonders why I broke off communication with him so suddenly. Had he been able to see the blood dripping on my phone screen from my busted lip as my parents stood over me while I typed the message, it likely would've made things more clear.

And for a while, they succeeded in beating the queer out of me. I succumbed to their alt right rhetoric for many years for my own safety and tried to present myself as the clean cut All American Boy they wished me to be. But, like the many members of the RNC, the Grindr app hidden on my phone and the panties and nightgown in the back of my underwear drawer told the real story. Eventually, I couldn't hide anymore and reached the point where I either needed to come out or unalive myself. So I went no contact with my parents, started injecting hormones into my thigh every five days, and became the glorious trans dyke I am today.

Well that’s not entirely true, I was terrified. And proud. Terriproud? Proudified? I didn’t leave the house unless I was decked out in several pride-themed articles of clothing. Every social interaction with the cishet population was down with a determined scowl and my fist half-cocked, waiting for anyone to give me trouble. The energy expended going to the grocery store was exhausting. Then one day, I looked up and saw an entire group of people ready to embrace me, to love me for the first time in my life for who I was. A fellow trans girl I had never met gave me a ride to Indianapolis to speak out against the anti trans laws coming down the pipe. I got a job at a theatre where there was one cishet person (we called him our diversity hire). I was amazed. There is truly nothing more wonderful on all the earth than queer community. Never before have I seen a group more thoroughly and solidly perform Christ's command to love one another. I found here in southern and central Indiana some beautiful people who help each other get through this ridiculously difficult life, indeed who DO LIFE together, who truly LIVE together. It was amazing!

Even more fascinating to me was beginning to read LGBTQ+ history and finding out it has pretty much always been this way! Through the decades of living in the shadows of history, to the gay liberation movement and Stonewall, through all of it, different outside groups have come and gone. Various religious groups have embraced and rejected LGBTQ+ people, many political candidates have made hollow promises or delivered only half of what they said they would, many people let us down. But we've always had each other.

If you've read my ramblings this far, thank you. And I'd like to get to my point now. We will never have it easy. By definition of being queer, we will always exist outside the norm. And those who want everyone to fall in line will use every tool at their disposal to make that happen. Religious rhetoric. Rule of law. Political grandstanding. Even physical violence. Why? Because they're afraid of us. Having spent years around alt right men, one thing they're fond of saying is "I'm not homophobic cuz I'm not afraid of f@ggots." Bullshit. They're terrified of us. And that’s badass.

So in this time of uncertainty, I want to encourage all of my queer friends all over the US to band together, put pet political idealism aside, and unite for the safety of all of our siblings. 2024 isn't the end of us. It isn't the end of our fight. Scarier people than Trump will rise. Our rights may be taken away. We may indeed go back to the 50s or (God save us) 1939 Germany. But our queer fore-parents lived through those times, and they didn't let that stop them. They forged and hacked out spaces for themselves, they picked a spot, planted themselves in it and DEMANDED to be recognized for who they were. And when those who hated them came and tried to remove them by force, they banded together and fought with bricks and handbags and lunch trays and high heeled shoes. When the first Stonewall riot broke out, Sylvia Rivera, that trans foremother who was dubbed the Rosa Parks of the transgender liberation movement, was told by a friend to stay inside, she responded “I’m not missing a minute of this! It’s the revolution!” Let us carry her spirit with us as we move forward, whatever happens in November. We will always have each other. We will always be here, we will always be queer, whether people get used to it or not.

[thebryanandsilvergarbage]

The 23rd Annual Bryan Awards - Programming Categories

Programming Categories

New Series: Andor (Disney Plus) Bad Sisters (Apple Plus) The Bear (Hulu) The Diplomat (Netflix) The House of the Dragon (HBO) Jury Duty (FreeVee) The Last of Us (HBO) Shrinking (Apple Plus) So Help Me Todd (CBS) Wednesday (Netflix)

Comedy Series: Abbott Elementary (ABC) Barry (HBO) The Bear (F/X) Jury Duty (FreeVee) The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (Prime Video) Only Murders In The Building (Hulu) Ted Lasso (Apple Plus) Wednesday (Netflix)

Drama Series: Better Call Saul (F/X) The Crown (Netflix) The Diplomat (Netflix) The House of the Dragon (HBO) The Last of Us (HBO) Succession (HBO) The White Lotus (HBO) Yellowjackets (Showtime)

Daytime Soap: The Bold and the Beautiful (CBS)

Days of Our Lives (NBC & Peacock) General Hospital (ABC) The Young and the Restless (CBS)

Limited/Anthology Series: Beef (Netflix) Black Bird (Apple Plus) Fleishman In Trouble (Hulu) George & Tammy (Showtime) Welcome to Chippendale’s (Hulu) The White House Plumbers (HBO) 

Made for Television Movie: A Christmas Story Christmas (HBO Max) Dolly Parton’s Magic Mountain Christmas (NBC) Fire Island (Hulu) Hocus Pocus 2 (Disney Plus) Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (Roku)

Variety Scripted Series: A Black Lady Sketch Show (HBO) Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO) Saturday Night Live (NBC)

Pre-Recorded Variety Special: Beauty and the Beast: A 30th Anniversary Celebration (ABC) Carol Burnett: 90 Years of Laughter + Love (NBC) The Kennedy Center Honors (CBS) Norman Lear: 100 Years of Music and Laughter (ABC) Richard III: Great Performances (PBS) 2022 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony (HBO) 

Live Special: The Apple Super Bowl LVII Halftime Show Featuring Rihanna (FOX)

Elton John: Farewell from Dodger Stadium (Disney Plus) The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (NBC) The Oscars (ABC) The 75th Annual Tony Awards (CBS) The Tournament of Roses Parade (ABC)

Daytime Talk Show: The Drew Barrymore Show (Syndicated) The Kelly Clarkson Show (NBC/Syndicated) Live with Kelly & Ryan/Mark (ABC/Syndicated) Today with Hoda and Jenna (NBC) Late Night Talk Show: The Daily Show (Comedy Central) Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC) Late Night with Seth Meyers (NBC) The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (CBS)

Game Show: Family Feud (ABC/Syndicated) Jeopardy (ABC/Syndicated) Let’s Make A Deal (CBS) Password (NBC) The Price Is Right (CBS)

Reality-Competition Program: The Amazing Race (CBS) RuPaul’s Drag Race (VH1) Survivor (CBS) Top Chef (Bravo) The Voice (NBC)

Traditional Reality Program: Antiques Roadshow (PBS) Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives (Food Network) Love Is Blind (Netflix) Queer Eye (Netflix) Shark Tank (ABC) Welcome to Wrexham (F/X) Non-Fiction Series: FDR (History Channel) The Food That Built America (History Channel) The Origins of Hip-Hop (A&E) The 1619 Project (Hulu) 30 for 30 (ESPN)

Non-Fiction Program: Being Mary Tyler Moore (HBO) The Day The Music Died: The Story of Don McLean’s American Pie (Paramount Plus) I Am My Brother’s Keeper (NBC) Pretty Baby: Brooke Shields (Hulu) Still: A Michael J. Fox Movie (Apple Plus) 

Animated Program: Archer (F/X) Big Mouth (Cartoon Network) Harley Quinn (Netflix) The Simpsons (FOX) South Park (Comedy Central)

Most Missed Series: Atlanta (F/X)  Better Call Saul (AMC) Dr. Phil (Syndicated) The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (Prime Video) Succession (HBO)

Studio Sports Program: Big Noon Kickoff (FOX) College GameDay (ESPN) FIFA World Cup (FOX) Football Night in America (NBC) The Road to the Final Four (CBS/TBS/TNT/TruTV)

[haldenlith]

More evening personal life rambling. Really rambling.

The more time goes on, the more I kind of get the vibe that I fall into that "probably won't find a partner" category. I know having the desire for a romantic (and sexual) partner is somewhat silly, and detrimental, but I'm not going to deny that it's there. It is. And I sort of have my doubts as time marches on due to a lot of factors.

My track record isn't exactly great, for starters. I've never managed to even get to "first date" status. I generally get shut down pretty fast. I don't know if I'm just bad at conversing or what. That aside, my lack of interest in a family or marriage has been a dealbreaker for some (okay, actually, all) gents I've conversed with, and I've generally (as in just when talking in a group) gotten shit for being polyamorous.

Gotta love living in a heteronormative, monogamy-centric society. And no, that was not a fun experience, because it came with a healthy helping of slut-shaming and talking about how gross having multiple partners like that is.

Being nonbinary hasn't come up in the past, by virtue of not being out back then (technically still not -- but only because no one IRL has ever asked -- I don't advertise it), but I suspect it would be an issue.

Actually, I think a lot of the issue is the location I live in. Living in the deep south as a queer with no interest in family or marriage makes me very much the odd man out. And with equally queer tastes in men, hoo boy. It's like a vegetarian being stuck in a meat packing plant. The landscape around these parts is either sleazy fratboy, the blandest of corporate white men, or ultra-masculine lumberjack that drives a pickup truck that has the American flag attached to the top and probably unironically voted for Trump.

Well, there's also a fourth flavor: cop.

Yeah, all of those choices do not spark any interest or desire. And no, I don't think I'm asexual. I have felt that attraction before. I (sort of) know what I like. I'm just also aware that the beauty standards of the average man in today's society do not line up with what I find attractive. In fact, what most people consider an "attractive man", I do not. Stripping these men of their status, and going purely on looks (yes we are going full objectification ray on them), if I were sitting at a table with my friends, and Chris Hemsworth or Henry Cavill, or even Michael B Jordan, strolled by, my friends would be tripping over themselves to probably try and get their numbers.

I would glance to notice that a person is passing by. That's... about it.

Now, (again, ignoring career and status), say, Booboo Stewart walked by, I'd do the full tuuuuuuuurn and ponder my angle of attack.

I wish he had a different nickname he went under, but it is what it is ("Booboo" as a name has... unkind connotations down here in my neck of the woods). Also, no, I've not seen anything he's acted in. I literally saw him (I think on Pinterest) once, was like "oh who is this tall drink of water" and went diving. His artwork is cool. Uninterested in his movies.

I have a thing for clean-shaven boyish and/or androgynous "pretty" guys with long hair.

They're, um, not common round these here parts, and when I have encountered them, I've been shot down (see above "not monogamous" + no children issues).

Add to that soup the Kinky Koolaid Man busting through the wall (I'm into kink -- though I am extremely inexperienced), and I've just decided that the odds are not in my favor, and I'm not sure I'll ever have the spoons to fight those odds (and that's without mentioning other issues like ageism towards AFAB folk, ageism in dating in general, transphobia, and general misogyny).

*puts on sock puppet* "Just move to a more open area when you get the opportunity, forehead!"

I'm sure if that ever happens, my prospects in making friends and finding the romance and intimacy my grey matter craves will increase, but I'm not hedging my bets.

Notice I said "if", not when. I'm still trying to get my degree, but also things seem... turbulent... in the graphic design sector of jobs, and the average pay seems to have dropped in recent years, so, yeah. One thing at a time.

But yes, these thoughts brought to you by examining my recent daydreamings of imaginary situations (generally centered around kink positive, sex positive, open and supportive relationships), leading to me thinking realistically about how one would even get into the imaginary situations.

[crossdreamers]

Photo Book Revives Beirut’s Forgotten Transgender History

Studio shoots, interviews and archive photos: A new book documents the untold stories of 11 trans women living in Beirut and rewrites the queer history of the Lebanese capital.

Gunseli Yalcinkaya reports over at Huck:

As the founder of Cold Cuts, a magazine documenting queer histories from across South-West Asia and North Africa, [Muhamand] Abdouni, a photographer, filmmaker and visual artist, has spent half a decade capturing the lives of LGBTQ+ people in areas where discrimination is high and records of queerness, non-existent. 

His latest project, Treat Me Like Your Mother, builds on this already extensive body of work by documenting the previously untold stories of 11 trans women living in Beirut. 

Abdouni says:

We need to be aware of our own history. I grew up without any access to queer records, which means I essentially grew up without any sort of representation of what I am, who I am, or who my community is.

Abdouni’s photos of Lebanese transgender women are inspired by the  glamour of old Lebanese photo studios.

Archive photos from the 1980s og 90s reveal Lebanese drag balls. Abdouni explains:

“We had no idea that balls existed throughout the ’80s and ’90s in Lebanon. Obviously we knew they were happening in Harlem, but we were always under the impression that it was something that we’d appropriated later on. But the fact that we have our own history of ball culture, different to the one in the States, is mind-blowing.”

Read the whole article here!

In an interview with The Strange Fire Collective Abdouni talks about Cold Cuts:

Cold Cuts is the photo journal exploring queer culture and the Middle East. It began as a passion project, a visual collaboration between friends and photographers, which then developed into a queer Arab and Middle Eastern publication out of a combination of growth and necessity. Representation of queer Middle Eastern cultures was lacking in accuracy, substance and dignity, so Cold Cuts became an organically home-grown platform for queer histories and narratives.

The Cold Cuts site has more photos from the book.

See also: Mohamad Abdouni’s web site.

Photos by and from Mohamad Abdouni.

[scarlet--wiccan]

open letter to Marvel's X-Men office

To whom it may concern,

I'm a longtime reader of Marvel comics and a weekly buyer with subscriptions and pull lists at my local comic store. I'm also an American of Romani descent who has spent years researching and writing about the function of pop culture in the systemic racism that my people endure. Much could be said about the record of Romani characters in superhero comics, particularly the Scarlet Witch, but I'm writing today to raise concerns about the character's throughline in the current X-Men era, which has come to a head with her apparent murder in X-Factor #10, written by Leah Williams. First, however, I would like to address the racial and sexual violence visited upon the character Prodigy, as depicted by Williams, who is a white author, and the history of racist microagressions and the objectification that many readers have observed in Williams' past work. In X-Factor #10, Prodigy, a Black bisexual, is shown to have been sexually assaulted and murdered by a predator who specifically targets Black bi and gay men. Prodigy's assault and death transpired while he was dressed in a drag-inspired look, an arbitrary decision which served only to further sensationalize the homophobic violence. This plotline was abrupt and underdeveloped, and leaped without warning into imagery that many Black and LGBT readers found traumatizing. This was not an authentic or meaningful exploration of Black and queer experiences-- rather it was an exploitation and objectification of the violence done to Black and queer bodies. Coming from a white writer, this is wholly inappropriate. Leah Williams being bisexual herself does not excuse that. I am particularly disturbed by the implementation of pro-police messaging, via white character Aurora, after we have all spent the last year protesting police violence against Black lives. At worst, this is tone deaf, but I, and many other readers of color, found it to be egregiously offensive. Readers of color, particularly East Asian readers, have long been wary of Williams and her treatment of non-white characters. The repeated and disturbing objectification of East Asian women in her series X-Tremists struck a serious nerve, particularly with Williams' original character, Nezumi, who seemed redolent of racist WWII-era propaganda conflating Japanese people with rats. Her over-sexed and racially tokenized treatment of Akihiro in X-Factor has also put readers on edge, although many bit their tongue and endeavored to support her new book on account of its numerous LGBT characters and plotlines. Unfortunately, it seems as though that tentative faith was misplaced, and we must reiterate that LGBT representation does not outweigh violent racism. The Scarlet Witch is a complex character with an ever-changing history. The most formative and consistent element of her origin, however, is that she was born to a Romani mother, and raised by a migrant, working class Romani family who faced racial discrimination and violent hate crimes. For context, the Romani people are a South Asian diaspora who are racialized in European society, and have endured systemic oppression ever since our arrival in the West, including an attempted genocide during the Nazi regime. Although Wanda is no stranger to taking a dark turn, the Decimation plot stands out as a uniquely damaging and harmful case of character asassination. You can imagine how the identity politics and acts of violence which were projected onto the character are offensive given her personal history, and the real-life history that she represents. For years, the vitriol and anger that were directed towards Wanda within this narrative, boosted by blatantly ableist tropes, shaped the way that readers and writers alike perceived her. That negative perception encouraged audiences to espouse hateful sentiments about Wanda without forming clear thoughts about their racist implications, or making any effort to better their understanding of Romani people and our needs regarding popular culture. The current era of X-Men comics has revisited the Decimation several times, but I fear that

they have done nothing to counteract the harmful messaging that was attached to Wanda during that time, and have only doubled down on her troubling political position in the mutant world. I shouldn't have to explain this, but characterizing a Romani woman as an interloper, and a bogeyman figure that Krakoans invoke to engender nationalism, directly parallels the racist propaganda that is used to subjugate real-life Romani people throughout Europe. Year after year, Roma communities face forced eviction, deportation, and property laws designed to weed out migrant travellers, while our lives are often endangered by violent hate. Earlier this month, on 19 June, 2021, a Romani man in Teplice, Czech Republic, was murdered in an act of police brutality, and the Czech state has refused to launch an investigation or deliver any sort of justice on behalf of his family. We have spent the last two weeks protesting for Roma lives. To be honest, witnessing Roma death on-page, particularly in the heartbreaking scene where Wanda's own son discovers her body, triggered a lot of the distress and emotional trauma that I've been carrying since the Teplice incident. Of course, the timing of it couldn't be helped, but I fear that Williams will continue to exploit our trauma and our pain in her upcoming series, Trial of Magneto, which promises to revolve around Wanda's death and Magneto's reaction. Given Williams' history, and her choices in this most recent issue, I simply have no faith, only grave misgivings. Leah Williams is a white woman who continues to profit from the exploitation racial trauma and stereotyping, and Marvel cannot claim to be inclusive while enabling her behavior. As readers, we feel we must demand her removal from upcoming and future Marvel projects. We cannot in good conscience support and continue to give money to the X-Men franchise with such creators at the fore. In general, Marvel needs to take a good hard look at how it employs. This won't be a solution to the company's ingrained problems, but removing Leah Williams would be a constructive place to start.

[certain cues have been taken from other readers who have posted and shared their messages to the X-Men office. Please feel free to borrow and modify any aspect of this letter, barring, of course, the passages regarding my own identity. This message has been sent to officex@marvel.com]

[absolutebl]

THAI BL MASTER POST

So this is a master post about Thai BL. It’s long. I’ve divided it into parts. Skip to the bits you’re intersted in. 

Am I an agent of trust? At the top I talk about why, or why not, you might want to believe my opinions and how my taste was formed. 

What to watch? In the middle there’s recommended watch lists/orders. 

What else to know? At the bottom there’s links to other posts I’ve done on the subject of Thai BL. 

My experience with the genre: 

I’ve been watching BL since 2017. SOTUS was my first, then Love Sick, then mostly what was on YouTube. During lockdown I decided to try to watch every BL Thailand has ever made. I went back to 2007′s Love of Siam, and to date I’ve watched over 130 Thai BLs. 

My education/career is in social science, pop culture analysis, market research, literary and film criticism, and I currently work in the entertainment industry. I’m a touch OCD. I keep a spreadsheet of all BLs I’ve watched with ratings (about 350 total), and I also use My Drama List. I started with Thai BL but I now also watch anything I can get from Japan, South Korea, Taiwan, and Vietnam. 

I come to BL as a reader of Japanese yaoi, mostly the stuff translated into English from 1997-2007. I also watched many of the first North American and British queer romances and romcoms at about the same time. I don’t consume much anime or European cinema. 

My Taste & What I Lean Towards Recommending

What I like about Thai BL is that is has longer series (focused on story and character development), is very pretty, and tends to stick to the lighter end of the spectrum with happy endings. It rarely gets too serious and usually has comedic elements. 

What should you be warned about? Production values can be low and the filming techniques are pretty basic. There are usually sound issues: from cartoon noises to bad looping to poor recording to terrible music choices. Makeup and wardrobe is subpar. Acting can be overwrought and awkward including the chemistry between couples. 

What I don’t like about Thai BL is that it uses problematic tropes: gay for you, dubious consent, punch down humor, stalker/obsession, heterosexual dysmorphia, vilification of femme and other visual queers, sex negativity, and lack of healthy female representation. It’s starting to correct for some of these issues though, slowly but surely. 

When I rate a show highly it's often because it has fewer flaws as compared to other Thai BLs, not because it's necessarily better acted, filmed, directed, or has a fab story. Although I can’t help taking those elements into account. 

Basics of Thai BL

BL: stands for Boy’s Love. All Asian BL can trace its roots to the Japanese yaoi tradition which spread during the 1990s. The first BLs depicted on screen were in Japan and were called live action yaoi. BL comes in both dark (depressing) and light (upbeat) variants, but Thai BL leans light. In Thailand, prior to the rise of BL dramas, there were Y-novels (books featuring a gay romance mostly written by and for straight women) and some translated yaoi manga. The Thai language uses the term “serie Y” to refer to these narratives. 

Thai BL can be divided into two types:

Regular Thai BL: good stuff, generally better acted, higher quality. It is sourced in 2016′s SOTUS and usually has a university setting.

The Thai BL pulps: poorer all around, very low production values, messy plot, cheaply made and churned out, usually high school set. It is sourced in 2014′s Love Sick. (More on the pulps here.) 

Most Thai BL has a university or high school setting (it’s cheaper), but lately (2021 on) they have been branching out, which fandom is excited about.

Any given Thai BL is either an original (somewhat improvised) script or based on a Thai y-novel. Generally the second style has better story and end product than the first. Thai BL doesn’t cinematographically reference yaoi as much as other BL. 

Thai BL series tend to run longer than BL shows from other countries with 8-15 episodes of 40 minutes each. They almost always have happy endings. In order to satisfy this market expectation, Thailand is more likely to green light second seasons and spin off specials than other countries. 

Insider Trading Lingo 

Seme/uke & tsundere: The terms are Japanese, and these archetypes come from yaoi manga. 

Seme = active pursuer or romantic aggressor/dominant.

Uke = passive pursued or romantic receiver/submissive.

It doesn't necessarily correlate to personality, sexual preference, or physical desire. Generally, in Thai BL seme/uke DOES conform to a heterosexually dysmorphic imposition where the seme is inappropriately conflated with boy/top/pitcher, and the uke with girl/bottom/catcher. In other words, Thai BL does not believe in gay without imposing heterosexual rolls onto that gayness. They also fetishize a height difference. (If you want to avoid this here’s a list of BL that has no established seme/uke. Here’s a post where I talk about how the different countries treat uke/seme in their BL narratives and why uke/seme ≠ top/bottom.) 

Tsundere = a character that appears prickly/angry/grumpy at first but softens as the story progresses. (Can be the seme or the uke character.)

Gay For You AKA If It’s You, It’s Okay, the character isn’t “actually” gay he’s just into this one person. There are a ton of issues with (and damage done to the queer community by) the Gay for You trope not the least of which is bisexual erasure. You can read stuff about this from:

a romance author perspective 

a queer perspective 

the fanfic/TV-trope side 

High heat: term from the romance genre that means the characters do more than just kiss. A series can qualify as high heat (e.g. Why R U?) or a pair can be classified as high heat, in that the actors are good at portraying that level of physical chemistry (e.g. MaxTul). (This can also be extended to countries, Taiwan leans towards high heat while Korea does not.) Thai pulps, anything set in high school, and GMMTV tend to avoid high heat. I talk about high heat versus high angst from a film and narrative perspective in BL in this post. 

HEA: Happy ever after. The series ends with the main couple in an act of unity (kiss, sex, engagement, wedding, domestic bliss) that implies they will continue that way. 

Thai BL Specific Lingo & Knowledge 

Visual code or signal markers of gayness in Thai BL: an engineering smock, the gear symbol, (both from SOTUS), pink milk, a clear umbrella, (both from 2 Moons novel), black & white horizontal stripes, and the little yellow backpack.  

FEAR EPISODE 11: In 12/13 ep arcs a breakup/drama/DOOM usually falls during episode 11, so we fans fear emotional suffering when an episode 11 is coming. 

Faen fatale: my term for a femme fatale archetype in BL. Faen is the Thai word for boyfriend/girlfriend. Thai BL often has an ex/wannabe lover turn up as a plot device.  

The 2 Moons curse: 2 Moons is the most popular y-novel amongst Thai readers of the genre, yet adaptations to screen have been plagued with issues. Both the first and second seasons experienced controversy, including accusations of bullying and cast members quitting. Rumor is Call it What You Want is an exposé of the behind the scenes of 2 Moons 2.

Other weird things to know: 

In Thai BL no character locks or plugs in his phone or respects posting privacy. 

Doctors discuss medical issues with anyone in the room. 

Going out in the rain can make a cute boy sick. 

Friends are UP in his business. 

Parents are mostly not present or plot devices. 

There’s a lot of awkward product placement. 

10 Thai BL Fun Facts 

Thai BL Production Industry & Actors 

Trailers are not trailers: Thai BL production houses will release teaser trailers in order to raise money to fund the project. So we get a trailer but it’s rarely exactly like the end result. Also there are trailers out there for BL series that never got green-lit or are stuck in dev hell. Like soap operas, they are sometimes still filming as the first episodes air. 

Actor pairs or BL couples: sets of actors will be cast in different stories, as different characters, but always as the same pairing. i.e. These boys don’t mind kissing each other. Pairs will also be used together for product advertisements, as variety show cohosts, in magazine spreads & look-books & modeling campaigns/catwalks, and for OST & fan-meets & concerts. GMMTV piloted the concept with Singto & Krist after SOTUS took off. Couples have fandoms, special names, and hashtags - almost like K-pop groups. Some actors will pair up prior to getting a series and audition as a couple (SantaEarth), others will form as side dishes (bit parts) and then grow so popular they get their own series or advertising campaigns (OffGun, MaxTul, JeffGameplay, YinWar, BounPrem). 

This kind of co-branding of coupledom can become the primary way the 2 actors earn money. However, perforative gayness on talk/variety shows (in particular) smacks of queerbaiting. Pairs often end up dealing with crazy fans, skinship obsession, stalker behavior, mismanaged expectations, and more: e.g. the good (MaxTul), the what? (MewGulf), the ugly (PerthSaint). I suggest avoiding this cesspit if you can. These are actors. They are acting. End of discussion. 

Here’s a (dated) Guide to Thai BL Actor Pairs. 

GMMTV (the maker of SOTUS) is Thailand’s biggest studio that consistently churns out higher production value BLs and puts them on YouTube with subs for an international audience. Thus their BLs tend to be best known. They keep a stable of actors, old 1930s Hollywood style, and use them in advertising and as hosts/guests on talk shows, gameshows, variety shows, travel/food shows, and other non-BL dramas. GMMTV’s pairs include SingtoKrist (no more), OffGun, TayNew, FrankDrake, PluemChimon & BrightWin. The short series Our Skyy showcases some of their pairs. You can read this post on my Top 10 BLs from GMMTV. 

Studio Wabi Sabi & Starhunter are smaller but popular BL studios that follow in GMMTV’s footsteps by keeping a stable of actors (encouraged to do other activities) often paired up for BL. Wabi Sabi produced higher quality shows like Until We Meet Again. Their pairs include OhmFluke & BounPrem. While Starhunter is a bit more pulp-ish with shows like Gen Y and pairs like KimCop. 

Directors you’ll hear fans talk about: 

Backaof who mostly directs for GMMTV and is pretty sophisticated. 

New directs a lot and for several studios and has a very workmanlike approach. 

Cheewin who mostly directs for indie houses and has a very candy-colored, comedic, and erratic style. Some pairs he reuses include BoomPeak, YoonLay, & MaxNat. 

Bloggers will occasionally use the P’ honorific for directors. (I do not. I consider it inappropriate as the correct address would be Khun.) 

Pairs relatively independent of studio or director (now) include: MaxTul, BothNewyear, YinWar, KaownahTurbo, JeffGameplay, JimmyTommy, and PerthLay. Broadly speaking, pairs that self govern and self promote (or have moved into that) tend to make for healthier brands than those controlled by studios and are less likely to turn toxic. 

MAME: the author of Love By Chance, A Chance at Love, and TharnType among other Thai Y-novels. She’s a popular writer (now producer) in Thailand but her style and choice of tropes is extremely controversial with international audiences, (she includes a lot of statutory rape, dubious consent, and intra-couple violence). However, her characters are appealing and her casting choices tend to be strong. Some of her origin actor pairs include: MewGulf, JaFirst, and MawinRun. 

LIST: Most Significant/Impactful Thai BL Over Time

By year, not necessarily worth watching. Just FYI. 

2007 -

  Love of Siam (queer movie, critically acclaimed, sad ending - first BLish anything from Thailand)

2014 - 1st Gen, THAI EXPANSION 

Love Sick (Thailand’s first real BL, hugely popular INSIDE Thailand) 

My Bromance (out gay actor in a main role, not recommended) 

2015 

Love Sick 2 (longest BL season ever) 

2016* - 2nd Gen, BEYOND BORDERS & THE RISE OF GMMTV 

SOTUS (GMMTV’s first BL, Thailand’s first global hit, responsible for Thai BL becoming the soft power it is today)

Make it Right (first Thai BL pulp, BoomPeak origin) 

Puppy Honey (BL side couple OffGun origin) 

Kiss the series (BL side couple TayNew origin)

Bad Romance (BL side couple MaxTul origin) 

Grey Rainbow (KarnNut, not recommended) 

2017 - the rise of the pulps, Thai BL begins exponential growth**, the concept of short spin offs and specials starts to be explored 

Together with Me (first major MaxTul vehicle) 

2 Moons (first attempt)  

2018 

Love By Chance (first MAME offering)

My Tee (GMMTV’s first pulp)

Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cut (first BL cut by a studio)  

2019 

Great Men Academy (Thailand tries manga filming style)

The Effect (Thailand criticizes its own worst BL tropes)

TharnType (MewGulf break the internet, other people notice BL)

He's Coming to Me & Until We Meet Again (Thailand applies complex story structure to a BL foundation) 

2020 - 3rd Gen, GLOBAL EXPANSION (lockdown)

2gether (everyone learns about BL)

Theory of Love (an established pair given new roles)

YYY (how weird can Cheewin make BL?)

Why R U? (how high a heat can we take?)

Ingredients (BL as advertising) 

My Engineer & Oxygen (first major non-pulp Thai BLs from unknown studios) 

I Told The Sunset About You (Thailands first high cinema BL) 

2021 

1000 Stars (first high cinema BL from GMMTV) 

Manner of Death (gay romantic suspense using a grown up BL couple) 

Lovely Writer & Call it What You Want (Thai BL gets meta with self criticism)

Top Secret Together (first out gay couple in a leading role) 

2022

KinnPorsche (BL gets known by Romancelandia) 

* The GMMTV Holy Trinity of Thai BL (OffGun, SingtoKrist, TayNew) all started in 2016. Also MaxTul & BoomPeak.

** Thailand has experienced exponential growth in BL output since 2017, adding to the number of BLs it produces each year by a factor of 25-35%. 

WATCH LIST: Understand the History of Thai BL

This is basically an ingredients list for a Thai BL cake.

If you want to understand how Tumblr talks about Thai BL and go on the journey many early watchers went on with Thailand, this is it. It’s designed so you can see how the industry in Thailand has evolved, and get all of the inside jokes. So I would watch in order, if you can. 

Love Sick - Thailand’s first real BL, hugely popular INSIDE Thailand, a decent story of bisexual self discovery and messy teen angst and one of the most appealing sweetheart uke characters ever. If you like Love Sick you’ll be compelled to watch Love Sick 2, and it’s LONG so you’ve been warned. Responsible for the pulps. On Netflix or on YouTube (watch the BL fan cuts if you can). 

SOTUS - Thailand’s first global hit, responsible for Thai BL becoming the soft power it is today, also caused the engineering is gay, pink milk, and gears tropes. (You’ll enjoy SOTUS S, the follow up, only if you loved SOTUS.) On Netflix. 

Make it Right - the first Thai BL pulp, if you liked Love Sick you’ll probably like MIR. If not, you should skip it and the pulps in general. On YouTube. 

Love By Chance - first MAME offering with the least offensive main couple, but watch out for those side couples they’re trouble (trigger warning on KlaTechno for rape). On YouTube. 

Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cut from GMMTV (Dark Blue Kiss is their main series, watch it if you like TayNew’s dynamic & chemistry in Kiss’s BL cut, otherwise don’t bother). On YouTube. 

2 Moons 2 - slightly better than 2 Moons and covers the same territory but with more developed side couples. Watch it to understand the origin of J9, why everyone loves Pavel, and where the pink milk and umbrella tropes come from. On YouTube. 

Until We Meet Again - Thailand applies complex story structure to a BL foundation with a killer outcome. (This is my favorite Thai BL). Trigger warning for the original version of trigger. On YouTube. 

TharnType - some of the most problematic tropes with some of the best chemistry. MewGulf broke the internet and caused other people to notice BL, and everyone still talks about it & them. Watch this to learn why and about all the issues that followed. Trigger warnings for statutory rape & child abuse. On Viki.

Why R U? - if you like TharnType (or couldn’t face it because of triggers) this is a much less problematic take on high heat, with a great soft boi side couple. The story is pants but it’s worth trying to track down for chemistry reasons, and because FighterTutor rep both safe sex and verse. Hard to find. 

2gether - the fluffiest BL that everyone knows about, watch this to see the pinnacle of GMMTV’s style and Thailand’s most ubiquitous BL. On YouTube. 

My Engineer - first major non-pulp classic Thai BL with multiple pairs, from a minor studio. On YouTube. 

Second Chance - Thailand’s current reigning champion of the pulps but if you want to know what a Thai BL pulp is, it’s this, this is what it is. On Viki. 

Ingredients - BL as a story advertisement with a weak seme/uke dynamic and a great soft indie pair in peak domesticity. Extremely comforting and remarkably innovative for Thailand. Shares certain stylistic trends with Vietnamese and Pinoy BL. On YouTube. 

I Told The Sunset About You - first well regarded widely watched high cinema BL. Uses a traditional coming of age narrative, shares some stylistic trends with Japanese BL. Hard to find. (I talk about my challenges with this show here.) 

A Tale of Thousand Stars - first high cinema BL from GMMTV trying to grow up a bit, long form but it shares certain stylist trends with Korean BL. On YouTube.

Manner of Death - BL tries on gay romantic suspense using wildly popular BL pair MaxTul. Tumblr went mad for this one. Shares certain stylistic trends with Taiwanese BL. Hard to find. 

Lovely Writer - Thai BL gets meta with self criticism but using a strong story and great acting. On YouTube. 

WATCH LIST: The Best Thai BL  

This is a tasting menu of Thai BL.

These are the ones I think best represent what Thai BL has to offer. Including some of the most popular, that people seem to enjoy the most. These tend to be the ones that western audiences find the least offensive.

Until We Meet Again (2019) - a non BL trope reliant fated mates romance 

1000 Stars (2021) - strong story concept that nods at BL tropes but manages to elevate them and itself  

He’s Coming to Me (2019) - boy and ghost boy fall in love, must solve ghost’s murder 

Oxygen the series (2020) - uses every Thai BL trope in the playbook for one of the gentlest BLs ever made, bit slow for some

Love By Chance (2018) - AePete are a model new BL couple, softly subversive of the seme/uke dynamic, sweet, kind, and low angst. All the other pairs (TinCan, KlaNo, and TumTar) are old school dysfunctional yaoi couples thrust into a modern narrative. 

Love Sick (2014) - has very few traditional yaoi tropes, but it started several BL tropes of its own, that Thailand now perpetuates.

SOTUS (2016) - All the Thai BLs that followed owe their existence to this series.

2gether (2020) - if Love Sick started it and SOTUS pushed it forward, 2g made Thai BL a phenomenon.

TharnType (2019) - if 2gether reps for the new BL, Tharntype is the last gasp at traditional yaoi issues. 

Bad Buddy (2022) - reigning king of Bl based largely on the killer chemistry and actng of the leads in a Romeo & Romeo romance 

You can read about why I made these choices and why some are missing in the original post. 

OTHER TOP TENS 

Top 10 Highest Production Values in Thai BL

Top 10 BLs Out of Thailand 

Top 10 BLs from GMMTV Thailand 

WATCH LIST: BL That Best Represents Thailand’s Take on the Genre

This is a full course meal of Thai BL in its most concentrated form. 

These are the BLs that I think best showcase Thailand’s style of BL, as opposed to the origin yaoi and the BL from other countries. Each country that produces BL has a particular style that dominates its shows. While there are better BLs out of Thailand, these are the shows I feel most accurately represent Thailand’s style (some of my favorites are not on this list). 

HIGH SCHOOL & THE PULPS

Love Sick

Make it Right

I Am Your King

My Tee

So Much In Love 

Friend Forever 

Brothers 

My Gear and Your Gown

Second Chance

UNIVERSITY

SOTUS

Together with Me

2 Moons &/or 2 Moons 2

Dark Blue Kiss

Love By Chance 

TharnType

Theory of Love

The En of Love

My Engineer

Why R U?

2gether 

Oxygen

Tonhon Chonlatee

Gen Y

Y-Destiny 

Fish Upon the Sky

Nitiman

Bad Buddy 

Honest Elevator Pitches for Thai BL (2020 & earlier) 

Links to Further Reading & Deep Dives into Thai BL 

These are posts in which I make further recommendations, do deep dives into pop culture, story critique, market analysis, or social analysis. 

Country by country analysis, how does Thailand compare? 

Struggling with Thai Language and Acting Style? 

BL Wave Data - Quick Summary (Thai BL is growing exponentially)

Chef de Smooching - Recipes for BL (Thailand production houses & other countries) 

Let’s Play Frankenstein’s BL (best production choices by country) 

BL Roots Week 

The Pulps of Thai BL

ABCs of Thai BL

Love of Siam, ITSAY, Thailand & the HEA Gay 

10 Thai BL Fun Facts

Links to Understand Thai BL Actor Pairs 

These are posts about actor age dynamics, relationships, skinships, and so forth. I don’t IRL ship because that kind of behavior freaks me out, but I am very intersted in the psyche of obsession, fanaticism, tribalism, celebrity worship, etc... So I pay attention to ships especially from a brand management perspective. 

A Guide to Thai BL Actor Pairs for New Watchers (dated) 

BL Actors & Age Dynamics 

Do I think skinship has to do with Thai society? concerning homophobia, Intimacy, plutonic affection, touch aversion, and touch starvation 

Thai BL Couples as my High School Friendship Group 

Links to Understand Thai BL Tropes 

Thailand has developed its own set of visual tropes in BL and spread some of them to other countries. Also it gravitates to specific narrative elements, like archetypes, in its stories as well. 

Thai BL & Traditional Romance Tropes

First Kisses in Thai BL 

SPECIFIC TROPES THAILAND LOVES 

Engineering = gay (and all the other departments)

Pink Milk

Under the clear umbrella

Sponge Bath 

Sing Me Your Feelings (I have no idea why Thailand thinks any boy with vocal cords can sing - they CAN’T - but they’re obsessed with putting it on screen 

Beach trips and forest frolics (origin Love Sick)

Rooftop assignations 

In Thailand, Mosquitos Leave Hickeys

Baby is a floppy drunk (origin Love Sick)

Boys feeding boys 

Matched outfits and sharing his closet 

Post It love notes 

Pinky swears 

Symbolic gift exchange 

Kiss me in the pool 

Drying his hair

Piggyback 

My massive tropes list. 

Links to Understand the Nuances of Thai Language & Culture Impact on Thai BL 

I’m not a linguist but I love the interrelationship between language and culture. There are many things we miss about BLs when we watch them in translation. I started to study Thai in order to understand some of this. These are posts that tunnel into elements we miss as outsiders to Thai culture. 

Explaining Thai to the Casual BL Watcher - It Has Registers - most BLs take place in the informal register, so for tourists this is NOT the kind of Thai you should actually speak. 

Linguistic Fun In Thai BL + Thai Nouns, Thai Verbs - once you understand its logic Thai is actually a pretty easy language to learn to speak as there’s no declensions or conjugations, and making something plural is EASY  

Thai Military Service & Thai BL - AKA why does Tee have a shaved head in Make it Right and why don’t Thai actors disappear for military service the way K-pop idols do? 

Thai BL & Product Placement (weirdly, a defence) 

It’s Thai BL cocktail hour! - I make Thai influenced cocktails to pair with BLs. 

Thai Desserts in Until We Meet Again - all of them described plus meanings and links to recipes. 

Thai Food You Should Eat Because of BL - Som Tum in What’s Zabb Man, Kao Soi in Bite Me, Khai Palo in Enchanté, Gaeng Tai Pla in Close Friend 2, Luk Choup in La Cuisine, Chor Muang in UWMA, Nom Yen in SOTUS, 2 Moons, 2 Moons 2, Nitman, and Love Area

THAI NAMES & MISSPELLINGS 

Thai actors and characters use a nickname (chue len) that can seem really odd to English speakers. Unlike many other Asian languages Thai names are written and spoken as we do in English: (Nickname +) Given Name + Family Name. Names are coupled with honorifics for spoken address, which are based on social status and age dynamics. 

Thai is a syllabic alphabet, so Thai words and names can be spelled multiple ways in English. Thus there are some characters known by multiple names (because different subbers transcribed differently), for example Med/Mes and Than/Thun in He’s Coming to Me, or Aeoy/Aey in Lovely Writer. 

WIERD TITLES 

The Thai language contains no articles, so titles get dropped articles in translation. Hence A Tale of Thousand Stars (missing a) and I Told Sunset About You (missing the). 

PRONOUNS & GENDER 

Thai spoken pronouns mostly gender in first and second (I/you) but not in third (she/he/they). Also nouns often do not confer gender (there is no boyfriend/girlfriend only faen). Also names are often used in place of I/you. In other words, you say your own name, and (honorific +) other people’s names A LOT. Formal polite particles (krap/kha) are gendered, informal polite particles are not. 

THE WAI

The wai, or formal acknowledgment, consists of a slight bow of the head, with the palms pressed together and raised towards the face. The words sawat di are often spoken with the wai followed by the krub/ka polite particle. Here’s Perth Nakhun (Ram from My Engineer) explaining sawat di.

BL Filming Techniques

Yaoi filming, staging & framing techniques in BL

Backlighting & Silhouettes 

Diffuse point lighting, AKA Fairy Lights 

Unidirectional focused lighting 

Staggered couple framing - when characters are staged so that one appears offset or smaller than the other

Central Aperture Framing - Linear framing using pathways and apertures to draw focus to the central figure(s).

Peekaboo Framing - When the director uses doorways, windows, mirrors, or other apertures to give the audience the impression of looking at something they maybe shouldn’t.

BL Docs & NonFic Resources on YT

BL History

Thai BL

TED Ex BangKok (growing up gay in Thailand)

Perth on working on a BL show (Thailand, Aussie perspective)

This post in response to @so-oj​ ‘s lovely question. 

(this post updated end 2021, please note links subject to change at studio’s will and internet capriciousness - source)

[the-ukrainian-giraffe]

I got called a faggot at the gas station today. Quite the mid-90's insult of choice but we're in the south and they're behind a bit. It's been quite a while since that's happened and I'm big enough that I am pretty firmly not physically intimidated by anyone and I had to sit for a minute after blowing the young man a kiss to consider if I was actually pretty gay today.

Even being queer for a very long time does not exempt me from thinking things are a bit gay. When I give my male partner a kiss I always, in the back of my mind, think: "haha...gaaaay". It still seems novel, and a little subversive, to be queer. I have always found it fun, and have never kept it a secret. I guess because I have the luxury of being large, and male, and dumb enough to not be afraid of people even when I probably should be. Who the hell is going to see all 6'4" of me and call ME a faggot?

Just some pencil dick shithead at the gas station, I guess.

I worry for queer folks more vulnerable than me, all the time. People who can't just blow a kiss and wink. I worry for people who go to Pride parades here. I'll be 43 in September, and I've been out since I was in my teens...doing nothing with it until my 20's but still, I knew I was queer and I knew I was supposed to be ashamed but I just never was and I remember hoping that one day no one would have to be. That we all could just love and get on with our lives.

Every June I think about all the companies that rainbow their logos and pander to us, who make money off of us and see record profits while we get called faggots at the gas station. I think of the kids I mentor at the library, a lot of the LGBTQ, who know so much about themselves and love themselves fully and still have to be afraid of what lurks outside. Pride doesn't feel like a celebration to me...not like it should. It sounds like a desperate request to just be allowed to exist and every other month of the year it falls on deaf ears.

Every day I hope for more.

[whentherewerebicycles]

wow okay i am skipping the lingerie party lol and am instead going to just briefly jot down some thoughts before i go to sleep and wake up at 5 for my flight tomorrow morning. jesus christ i have ONE MILLION thoughts and feelings about this weekend. i want to preface this by saying that on the whole, it was a fine social experience! it was nowhere near as awkward or painful as i was expecting. or like, parts of it were painful, but it was 100% to do with my own complicated feelings about literally every part of this tradition and the wedding industry in general lol, and not anything to do with the people themselves. the other women were friendly and very welcoming, i made an event best friend who was wonderful company, and it was really fun to get to spend time with both my sister-in-law and her older sister, who was so charming and wonderful. i’m glad i came even though thinking about the $$ i spent on this trip makes me physically gag.

but okay i want to just record some THOUGHTS that maybe i will continue unpacking with some distance. i feel likeeeee okay here are my thoughts.

the social norms around femininity are just a fucking minefield and i feel like i really just gotta keep walking back the impulse to judge other women for the choices they make as they navigate around the manifold traps and snares and half-buried landmines that constitute the landscape of being a woman. like jesus christ. it’s so fucked up, it’s so fucked up, the received and socially enforced norms of femininity are just so fucked up. I think ALL THE FUCKING TIME of this margaret atwood poem i love so much, which was REALLY on my mind this weekend:

How can I teach her some way of being human that won’t destroy her?

I would like to tell her, Love is enough, I would like to say, Find shelter in another skin.

I would like to say, Dance and be happy. Instead I will say in my crone’s voice, Be ruthless when you have to, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it.

I feel like the first bit was very much on my mind throughout the weekend, but those last three lines have come to the forefront over the course of this last day, as i have tried to do some Thinking about what i observed/experienced/felt this weekend. whether or not this is what it means in the context of the poem, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it, expresses something of my complex feelings: I don’t know that I can tell the truth about femininity because I don’t know that I can see it. i am both too close to it/still emotionally entangled in it and too far from it to know which parts of it are ‘real’ and which parts are just performance.

i feel like one thing that struck me this weekend, in ways that i don’t know if i’ve noticed as much before, was that so much of the things women say to each other or do in these social contexts is performative, and they know on some level it’s a performance, but we are all going through the motions of doing and saying the expected things anyway. that has not always been clear to me. i have spent so much of my own life as a woman thinking that other women perfectly, seamlessly, naturally embodied the norms of femininity, and i was the only one (or part of a group of only ones) who couldn’t remember my lines, or kept fumbling my cues, or felt so painfully, self-consciously aware that i was playing a role that i could never deliver a convincing performance. but this weekend, after the initial social panic had passed, i started trying to get out of my own head a little bit and look for things that disproved the very strong theory i had brought into the weekend. and of course then i started seeing more and more of the little moments where women say one thing and do another, or profess one belief/conviction but then the whole corpus of their lived experiences and choices contradicts that stated belief, or whatever. and also just like, moments of pathos, where someone i had judged harshly at the beginning of the weekend offhandedly revealed something about her past that really changed my perception of her, or at least made me think like, ah god, i have to have empathy for and with this person, because i think she might be a complex person just like me, with an intricate inner life that her performance partially reveals and partially occludes from view, and agh, it sucks to have to think of people as complicated instead of as safely two-dimensional & easy to dismiss, and the reason it sucks is because then it forces you to realize that you share more with this person than you’d like to admit, and that some of your wounds are the same, even if you dealt with those wounds (the wounds of girlhood, or rather the emotional wounds that our culture inflicts upon girls, which then become tangled up in complex and painful ways with the lived experience of girlhood itself) in really different ways.

but also ugh. we are all performing gender norms but there is just something that does not feel playful at all about embodying conventional femininity. i can’t think of a better way to phrase that right now but it’s like.. the performance isn’t fun. it doesn’t seem to be fun. i don’t know that anyone here was having fun doing it, even if they were having fun being with each other. but it was like doing the intensely gendered social rituals was like, the price of admission? like it was the toll we had to pay to be together spending time in the company of other women? i don’t know man but it fucking exhausts me. like i can push myself to stretch my genuine empathy and sense of solidarity with other women much further than my knee-jerk judgmental reaction, but i can’t ever get to a place where i find any of those social rituals anything other than fucking exhausting. they feel so fucking joyless. they feel like things that many women have internalized as ‘things we must do in order to have relationships with other women.’ (please do not even get me started on how exhausting heteronormativity is i think i could write an entire other essay on how women use these bachelorette party-type rituals to spend time with their closest female friends, but the whole event is still implicitly organized around men, and these women’s male partners are still positioned as the priority in their lives, and the whole event is framed as like, a last burst of intense closeness between women before the bride is delivered over to her husband. like i KNOW that this is not how women think of it but all the RHETORIC of the bachelorette party, the little events and rituals and games, the little comments everyone makes all fucking weekend, good fucking lord, my jaw is so TENSE.)

anyway god i just AGHHHH. idk sorry this is definitely not coherent at ALL because i’m tired and still need a bit more distance/time to process some of this. i guess here is one last thing i want to register before i sleep. i am in my 30s now and i am living a life that is so, so far removed from the social world i grew up in. marriage is not a norm among my friend group, almost all of my female friends are queer women, many women i know are not partnered and have no interest in being partnered, and the friends who are in heterosexual relationships tend to be in very gender-balanced relationships or slightly nontraditional relationships where it feels like both partners have engaged in conscious reflection about what they want their relationship to look/feel like. also i now date women, am out as a lesbian, and spend most of my time teaching/working with queer- and trans/nonbinary-identified kids.

so like, the world i live in now is just so different from the world i grew up in. and sometimes it is easy for me to kind of downplay the intensity of my own gender distress as a teen and young adult, or to sort of - act like it was a phase in my life that had much more to do with me than with the social environment i lived in. i don’t mean ‘phase’ in a dismissive ‘those feelings weren’t real’ kind way, but more like, ‘oh that was just part of the normal growing pains of figuring out who you are and what kind of person you want to be as an adult - everybody pretty much goes through some version of that.’ it’s true that everyone DOES go through some version of that, as just like, part of the process of individuation in that age range. but also like. idk man. being back in this environment - straight white women from the midwest and south, all engaging in the rituals of heterosexual white femininity - was just so intense and so MUCH, and it brought back a flood of feelings and visceral memories that i feel like i will need to spend some time sorting through over the next few weeks. like, what i experienced back then really WAS gender distress, and it was so, so distressing. i spent the years from age 11ish to 24ish existing with this constant lowgrade baseline feeling of wanting to claw my own fucking skin off because my own gendered body felt like such a prison, and i sometimes felt like i literally wanted to destroy my own body because i could not yet conceive of an alternative to inhabiting that body or playing the role that had been handed down to me. until i started reading queer memoirs and inhaling lesbian media and (especially) reading about queer femme identities, i literally did not have an image or any kind of felt sense of what another way of inhabiting my own body might look/feel like. i literally could not imagine it!!!

and that is why the distress feels so distressing, and becomes internalized in such violent ways, i think. because it’s the blind, mindless panic of a trapped and wounded animal. except that you lack any real understanding of the larger social forces at work, or any language with which to describe or conceptualize what social norms are or how they’re enforced. so in your mind, the only thing you can see wounding you is your own gendered body, or the way that gendered body is socially 'read’ by others. and that is why you want to claw your own fucking skin off, just literally dig your nails into your own flesh and claw it the fuck off. because you can’t see a norm, but you can see your gendered body, and you can see the ways that it causes other people to react to you, or treat you, or hold you to a certain set of expectations, and so in your mind you are like: this must be destroyed. in your mind you are like, the only way out is to get out of this fucking body, but that’s impossible, surely, you can’t get out of your own body, so you have to settle for starving it and self-harming it and ruthlessly punishing it in a thousand terrible ways, because you might not be able to leave your girl’s body behind, but you can make it suffer and pay for what it’s done to you. 

i am old enough now, and have spent enough time thinking and writing about those feelings, to identify them when they arise again, and to get the necessary distance from them so that i can say, what i want to destroy are the norms themselves, and the distress they cause, and not the body that has done nothing to me but be me. so i am not quite as sucked under as i used to be. but i think that there is something about the violence and intensity of those feelings that i forget sometimes, or misremember with age and distance. it’s easy to be a little bit patronizing to my younger self (or by extension to my younger students sometimes), because i now live in a social world that is largely arranged in ways that minimize rather than intensify or amplify gender distress. but when you have no choice in how to arrange your life, and no language with which to understand what is happening to you or what you are experiencing, and no frame of reference to help you understand that this is a period in your life and not forever, and no models you can look to in order to discover alternative ways of inhabiting your body or arranging your life... my god, that’s quite different from being an adult with a wide range of experiences and with much greater autonomy over your own body and life. anyway idk i need to keep thinking but now i must go to bed and try to sleep five hours before the plane.