#friends experiencing that sort of connection im longing for

[spaceradars]

why do i feel so weird lately oh my god.

[ciaran]

"do you think people are so simple, so easily understood—while you yourself are above it all, the sole experiencer of complexity and contradiction?" tbh that's often an idea that i fight off, but when i complain about not being understood by other people, they try to stroke my ego saying that i'm just smarter and superior and it bothers me. i don't want to be smarter than everyone else, i learnt so much just so i could communicate better and now i don't even have that. i just don't know how to make it possible to be understood.

i was also told that i was smarter and better than other people and that they would never understand me and i hated that. like i want to be known, i want to communicate, i dont want to be an island. i think what helped me personally was giving up on the idea that there is going to be some perfect magical knowing that opens me surgically and instantly lays us bare to each other. and to treat even superficial, ordinary conversations as though they are real connections. the eye contact i make w a woman at work when i refuse to play along w a weird joke on her behalf is Also connection. and i think like, most people are not going to Know me. they arent going to see me deeply or find me interesting or be able to understand what im trying to say. but one thing is...im willing to iterate. im willing to say the same things over and over in different ways until a way of saying it clicks, or until it sinks in...ive waited years for my mom to understand what my brain is like and she still doesnt get it but ive come a long way since what was when i was a teenager. i repeat myself a lot, i repeat myself to a lot of people, i find old ways of saying things and new ones. and these...processes of trying to be understood by others should not be a diminishing or a culling of the self to only that which is intelligible to an audience, hopefully, but there is a method to finding...common ground. and the way to find common ground is to listen to people closely, to listen to what they say and how they say it, and to find those threads...im not saying i find it easy. but when you look at what youve experienced, your feelings...the range of human emotion is not infinite. we all know shame, listlessness, terror, lust, the loneliness of being on the outside of something, the hurt of not being heard. don't look for people to have felt things in the same way, shape, or intensity as you. look for ways to say, when you catch these notes, "i know what that feels like, even though it was different for me - i know what you mean." what does being understood mean to you? does it mean that you talk and someone Gets you? or does it mean that...you look for what is inside you in the world around like piecing together a puzzle? listening to others, not because you are their therapist or anything of the sort, but because in the story they tell you might find some trace of yourself? all human connection should be selfish because unselfish connection is worse, its charity. if you have friends, i hope you are their friend for your sake as much or more than their sake. and if you listen to people closely, i hope you do it because you're looking for that point from which you start building connection and understanding. and sometimes people have to be taught to understand you, but often they want to learn, if you have a way of teaching it. you must imagine people as eager too, and lonely, and in need of being seen. you must imagine that someone out there feels what you do and the only way to find them is to talk to people.

[nonbinarypirat]

Hiii I love your Iruma-kun analyses!! And since you're open to questions I wanted to ask, what do you think about Kirio and his relationship with Iruma and his ambitions?

damn, i knew someone would ask this LOL. im going to try my hardest to answer this but full disclosure, i have autism and for me, kiriro is a very difficult character to understand because of his morals (or lack there of?) and personality. For me, it's hard to understand people/characters that don't seem to be fully truthful. He's not a fav of mine (im sorry, i know people like him but i can't fully get into him at this moment. maybe if we see him interact more with baal's group.). So i'll try my best! (also i hope yall are ok with frequent posting, i am currently on winter break from college so i have nothing better to do but hyperfixate on this series lol)

Okay, so I think kirio is deeply in love and lust with iruma. I think it's farily obvious he is deeply interested in seeing iruma's "look of despair" in a attracted way, the manga calls him out for being a pervert about it. For Kiriro, Iruma is one of the first characters (besides his childhood friend of course) to ever really be nice to him. He was a friend to him and even if he wasn't being fully truthful with Iruma (like about his true motivations to getting rid of ranks) he did trust iruma with deeply personal information about himself. I think from there is where the obessesion began. Because then, he started to seeing them as kindred spirits who (similarly) went through deeply traumatic experiences in their childhoods, weaker than most, and similar personalities. For the first time, it was like he was being seen by someone (outside of baal). And I think he grew unheathilty attached to that idea of having someone so like him.

That's why I think wanting Iruma see his friends die in front of him was such a big deal for Kiriro. I said this in a different post, but the six fingers operate under the belief that people will all fall to their more primitive selves with the right push. And i think Kiriro wanted that from iruma. he wanted somone even more like him, so deeply intertwined with his experiences. Kiriro's childhood can not be understated, that shit was fucked up. And in turn that fucked him up. Not to say that he couldn't have become the way he is now without his childhood (yes i know, nature vs nurture), but I think the trauma plays a major role in this. He experienced something his brain wasn't able to understand at the time (friend being really heartbroken about the necklace + blaming himself) and according to him, THAT was when he started to long for despair. From there, he wanted another person he perceives as like him to also experience something fucked up so they'll cast away morals too, there by solidifying Iruma's place with Kiriro. Forever fucked up together

Iruma outright rejects that and Kiriro's whole world view is destroyed. Why was this person he considered an equal, a comrad, denying his "affection." His way of making sure they could be together. Kiriro projected too much of himself onto Iruma and by doing so, ignored the things that made them so different from each other fundamentally. And Iruma did the same thing to Kiriro. But Kiriro can't give up Iruma just like Iruma can't give up Kiriro. They want the other in their life but think about the world too differently. So in order to stay together, they both want the other to change, believe their way of thinking and being is better. In this way, I can understand why people ship them together even if I don't. Sort of like a tragic love

What i find interesting is that Kiriro seems to have found his space. He found the connection he was looking for. He is honestly himself (in all his fucked up glory), jokes about his pervertedness, and seems happy. But he can't get rid of the idea of Iruma coming to him. I mean, I don't blame him. It's poetically beautiful how much Kiriro is unapologetically a demon and Iruma is unapologetically a human. At odds but so alike. I think in his own messed up way, the idea of eating iruma is a way of keeping iruma always with him because he now sees he can't force iruma to bend to his ways. And he wants iruma the only way he thinks he can have him. But in the end, even this would end in tragedy.

There isn't really a happy ending to this i believe where all parties are happy. Because if iruma gets his way, ok cool. but kiriro is (at least by this point) too far gone in his belief about demon origins. Kiriro could never be happy, he would need to supress so much of himself for the sake of iruma. And if kiriro gets his way, ok cool. But now he no longer has iruma as an "enemy." the person he felt most alike and connected to is now gone. And I imagine he would just feel empty about that because shit, now he's truly gone and i have nothing else besides the memories

As for his ambitions, I honestly don't understand them besides the iruma part. It feels very, the world hurt me and now i want to see the world hurt too which has been cultivated with his trauma. sorry i can't discuss that part much but thats as far as my autism will grasp. hope you liked this despite that!

[sososcareds]

ohhh ive only just seen your art but im really curious about your angels xav and shard! do they have a story of some sort?

thank you for the ask !! ^-^

xav and shard are part of a story i have going on called mirror angels. the gist of it is that there's another dimension that touches earth, and is inhabited by angels, and mirrors are the connector that allow contact between the two. ah, this got long, so i will put under the cut, along with a tl;dr

xav was banished to earth after getting too curious about earth, and stealing mirror shards to see what the deal was. unfortunately he was caught in the act, but managed to hold onto his stolen mirror shard and keep it with him after he ended up on earth. all things considers he takes being trapped on earth like a champ. curious about everything, finds a love for fish and fishing, and makes the decision that even though it kinda sucks that he can never go home and this is a new and really scary place, he might as well make the most of it and try to see the best in everything.

which is wear shard comes into things. shard is not her real name, but it what xavier calls them. she had successfully gotten away with stealing her own mirror shards years prior, and by chance, the shard that xavier stole was the final part of the mirror that she stole, opening up a connection that shard could see xavier and earth through, and communicate to him. shard herself is terrified of earth, but feels that it was partially her fault that xav ended up in the situation he did, because of her previous theft of the shards, and decided to push through and help him out as best as she could anyway. they become close friends through the process.

the overall story is just an exploration of the world of mirror-angels-earth and the slight differences between our earth and the mundane day to day things being experienced for the first time. though xav tends to explore these things through the much less scary lense of his favourite animals, fish, before he gets the hang of it all. and shard slowly learns that earth has good things in it too, rather than just scary, and questions authority regarding why the shards are so safeguarded, and the punishment for being curious. there isn't much to it, really. just fun world and story i've been working on

TL;DR: xavier stole some things, got in trouble, and ended up on earth. shard got away with stealing those same things in the past and got away with it, so helps him out

apologies for my english ^-^

[borderline-gays-club]

7/20/24. 11:20pm

Tw: self harm, suicidal ideation

Lol at me thinking my BPD just magically disappeared..granted I’ve gotten significantly and noticeably better throughout the years.

But I’m going through it right now and feeling immensely triggered and vulnerable and my mind is in a dark place. I’m having repetitive thoughts of self harm, wanting to die, feeling paranoid, etc etc. but in all honesty it’s not really new. It’s just been a while. And maybe if anything this is a little alert from inside of myself that I need to address something.

When I connected that emotional pain has a similar mechanism as physical pain, it helped me to be able to sit with the pain a bit better. Pain exists to alert your system that something needs attention right now. Like if you put your hand on a flame and didn’t feel pain, then your whole hand would burn up eventually burning your whole body.

And right now I am feeling deeply in emotional pain. And it’s mostly just old pains that are being brought up by something that happened. I accidentally did something that triggered a meltdown in my best friend last night. And on top of that I just sat in the other room hearing their cries and wails. I was frozen.

I created the problem then couldn’t do anything to soothe the problem. So now I feel like I’m a useless person and can’t understand why anyone would ever want to be my friend. I can’t understand why anyone would ever love me.

And let me pause here. I’m not just thinking these thoughts but I’m deeply feeling them right now and therefore I feel pain. But rationally I know that connecting this incident to those definitive thoughts is not correct. Yet I feel it and a big part of me now believes it. And again, I know this feeling will pass but this is where I’m at now.

This is a very delicate place to be. Because it’s important to feel the pain, but it’s another thing to prolong the pain. Like for example if you get a cut and it scabs, but then you keep picking at the scab so the wound just keeps getting reopened. I have to be careful not to do that. Because that’s when things can get dangerous.

But right now there’s a part of me that wants to get to that point. I am so tired of feeling like I have to control so much of myself to just exist, and on top of that surviving everyday feels so difficult. Im never eating enough bc money, i never feel rested after sleeping ever, all my clothes just trigger body dysmorphia, and like idk this country is rapidly becoming more and more fascist !!! Like !!!????

All the microcosms of my own internal turmoils feels so insignificant to all the global crises. But I need to remind myself that it’s all connected. Bc it is.

And I’m afraid I’m going to die without ever experiencing love for someone else or even for myself. I’m scared of dying without actually knowing who I am. I don’t want to die as this fragmented being. I want my personal dreams to come true as well, but I think I fear not knowing who I am even more. That to me feels like an eternal torture.

I’m going to be very honest. I feel the desire to cut myself even though I haven’t done it in like 6 years. I haven’t felt this desire in a very very long time. And I’m going to be even more honest: I don’t know if I’ll be able to not do it. But then again I tend to underestimate my willpower at times.

My brain is alerting me a lot right now and I just want someone else to come in and sort it all out for me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m doing it all by myself.

[fairycosmos]

i'm wasting my life

i don't know if there is such a thing, you're still experiencing yourself and the world for what it is, even if you're not what you thought you'd be by now (no one really is and nothing is what we were told it'd be.) ive been trying for a long time to get to a place where i feel like im supposed to be here, where i can say ive fulfilled some sort of purpose, but unfortunately i think all the waiting and agonising and questioning and connecting IS the experience. like you're not late to the show, it's already started and this is it. and i don't think you're wasting it, and i think a lot of the people who've met you and loved you would agree with me on that. all the small quiet moments of peace/joy/contentment/enjoyment/curiosity/friendship are proof of it, proof that being here wasn't a waste, no matter how miniscule or few and far between they are. i think you're just having a really hard time right now, and im sorry. i completely understand how unbelievably difficult it is to feel completely lost with little to no sense of self worth, and i hope you're able to find some support and remain gentle with yourself as you identify the living pace that matches you, as you keep moving forward despite how exhausting it is at times. sending a hug. please don't be afraid to reach out, whether it's through a friend or a local support group or your doctor - they're not perfect solutions, and it's ok if youre not a huge fan of the idea, but knowing you don't have to confront this feeling alone and being able to process these tough emotions out loud is a good step in the right direction. X

[species-dysphoria]

I really think im utterly incapable of understanding romantic or sexual attraction. I even struggle to understand platonic feelings.

I know that being autistic has a big effect on that but I honestly think that being nonhuman is a bigger part of it. I've never really felt a connection to humans (or ig those i perceive as human) when they've tried to befriend me. I've never had any interest in having deeper friendships or anything beyond acquaintances. Even as a pup, the only friends I ever had were because they continued to seek me out so I allowed them to stick around. I tried to engage in the things I thought they wanted from me but eventually, they all realized I was unstable and lost interest in me. idk why I even tried. I just thought that that's what the human wanted from me. so I tried even though I knew I didn't understand.

I've tried to force myself into romantic and sexual relationships in hopes of somehow fixing myself. This was far before I had actually accepted my nonhumanity. During this period, I was repressing all those feelings and forcing myself to "normal". but it was obvious that I had no idea what I was doing nor did I actually want to be in these relationships. I pushed those feelings away though and forced myself to stay. I wanted so badly to be "fixed" and to be considered "normal".

eventually, the humans realized I was incapable of giving what they needed. they secretly grew tired of me. told me I was a freak for not experiencing the "proper" emotions and that I was too much to handle. they greatly disliked that I didn't like to be physically touched either. even though they had told me to my face that they didn't mind. they told me that they didn't mind I was asexual. but in the end, it was an issue. and they both ended up going behind my back and cheating on me. I finally ended those relationships after I found out they had secretly resented me for a long time..

I don't blame them. I'm a creature who is unable to understand how to feel those kinds of emotions. I understand that now. I know now that I'm not made to fill those sorts of roles. I'll do whatever else the humans want me to do but I can't provide those sorts of things.

...I wish I had learned that sooner. to save all the trouble I caused and all the trauma I collected.

this aspect of me makes me feel very isolated from others. I have no interest in a mate or to have pups. in general...I just wish to be left alone.

[celestie0]

at what age did you experience ur first real love? i’m about to turn 20 and i feel no hope for myself. maybe my standards are too high but i legit can’t see myself with someone. i’ve had only one relationship back when i was 17 but it only lasted a few months, idk it just felt like a fling to me

sorry if this is so random 😭😭

hi bb! i’m so super bad with feelings of love because i feel like i’ve gaslit myself into thinking ive fallen in love w people in the past but in reality it was just infatuation LOL

but hmm i’d say the first time i experienced real love would be when i was 19 with a guy i met my first year of college? i’ve talked ab him before lol he inspired one of my fics, but yeah tbh i think i’ve only felt love for one other person since then, but it’s been a couple years since i’ve been in any sort of serious relationship haha i explored a lot of dating in my early adulthood years but haven’t really been open to seeing people recently (mostly bc i’ve known for a while that i’ll be moving soon for school lol but also i don’t think i’m quite ready to be in another relationship again)

i’m sorry you’re feeling that way ;( i think it’s normal to feel uncertain about things such as love or relationships, especially at your age since 20 is very young, and i think everyone’s journey is different. some people have to sift through many partners from an early age n even then may not feel like they’ve found true connection, while for others it may come in the form of just one person they were never expecting to have met in the first place! my cousin was single well into her late twenties but she met her husband right before she finished grad school n they got married last year :”) i really don’t think there’s any sort of set timeline for these things, especially matters of the heart

i know it’s hard to picture yourself being with someone if you feel inexperienced or scared, which is all totally normal, but i think as you grow n evolve as a person, the way you see yourself in that light can change as well. i didn’t kiss or have sex w a guy until i got to college, so throughout high school when my friends were having boyfriends n stuff i felt really self conscious n like i was falling behind somehow, but looking back at it now im happy w the way things were n the way things are bc i know what i want n also i know what i myself am capable of giving someone else rn

but also i chalk a lot of it up to just the way our generation has been set up to socialize lmfaoo there really is a loneliness pandemic i think! it’s crazy how there’s many ways to communicate, and yet somehow it’s a struggle to create n maintain connections w people haha i talk ab this w my friends all the time. it’s very real n valid n you’re def not alone in how you feel

hope this answers bb sorry if this is kinda long :””) but im wishing the best for you! <33

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, i wanted to get any kind of input or opinion because i think theres something really wrong with me. ive always been obsessed with labels and terms to identify myself, always switching them around and finding a new one regularly to base myself off of. right now at least i have no actual sense of identity and its very possible i could just be reaching because i tend to do that a lot but i dont remember a time where i genuinely had a hold on who i was, aside from when i had a really unhealthy obsession with one singular person for about 2 years. my entire life and mental state revolved around them during that time and to be honest, even though we arent on speaking terms anymore, still seeing them on socials messes me up pretty often.

anyway, the main issue is that i dont really know who i am or who i even want to be. i cant even really keep a name/nickname to go buy for longer than a few months only because i know it inconveniences the people around me (however few there are now). and thats another thing! im really iffy about making connections with people now because a lot about it makes me uncomfortable, like the responsibility and having to deal with another person all the time. i know that sounds really shitty, but i feel like i spent all my love ill ever have on that one person for two years and now that its gone, its never coming back. im still very lonely now but the thought of trying to fix that is really uncomfortable to me. its not that im incapable of making friends, its that after a while ill kind of get tired of them? something about consistency makes me restless and i know its shitty because im a really up and down kind of friend, like recently ive only been talking to people when i feel like it, which is one big reason i dont want to make friends and put people through that.

back to the labels and identity thing. its always kind of been there, but recently the urge to cling to some sort of label or answer for my behavior and thoughts and feelings has been so strong that i almost wish i was genuinely delusional or something. or just that something was seriously wrong with me, just so that i have something new and big to cling to. i know thats bad and unhealthy but i dont know how else to function. ive been thinking recently that i have a lot of narcissistic traits, or at least self centered tendencies. i always operate like im the main character. i always do things with the thought in mind that there will be no negative outcomes for me, and if there so happens to be one, then ill somehow weasel my way out of it. i think that everything will always go well for me, which is weird because it very much has not in the past. a lot of bad things have happened to me, but in a weird fucked up kind of way im glad they did. because now i have some sort of trauma to cling to and roll into my identity. but the flaw in that is that i need a new one every so often. i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely dont know who i am. and thats why i think somethings wrong with me. because what normal person thinks and operates like this? i dont know if i fully described the reality of my situation, or if im just saying that because i want it to seem worse, but thats about it. sorry for the long ask. i hope you can get around to answering

Hi anon,

I think to some degree its okay to like labels, as they can provide us a sense of structure and being able to name things can give a lot of people comfort. It's also okay to change your identity, as identities are fluid and naturally change over time. You're allowed to change your identity as many times as you want because it's literally yours to dictate, you know?

However, there are many different possibilities as to why you may be experiencing this frequent shift in identity. While I can help explain what these possibilites might be, it is crucial to consult with a mental health professional for an accurate assessment and diagnosis.

One of the possibilities is that you could have some narcissistic tendencies, as from my understanding of NPD, it's about basically trying to regain control of feeling worthless or helpless by constructing a reality of grandiosity that can be incredibly fragile (please correct me if I'm wrong).

Also in the realm of personality disorders, the idea of having "identity disturbance" and "unhealthy obsessions" with someone is characteristic of BPD. Identity disturbance, also sometimes called identity diffusion, is described as an "incoherence, or inconsistency in a person's sense of identity. This could mean that a person's goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing. It could also be that the person takes on personality traits of people around them, as they struggle to have and maintain their own identity." Of course, you can experience identity disturbance without BPD, but it's still a common experience among pwBPD.

Another possibility is tired to when you said "i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely don't know who i am" as it reminded me of how a system might experience their identity, especially if they don't realize they're a system. This is not me saying you're definitely a system, but the possibility of plurality could be something to explore further as well.

Ultimately, this could be something to explore further with the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, who can work with you to identify more concretely why you may be experiencing these things. They can also help you navigate these feelings and provide guidance tailored to your specific needs.

It's important to practice self-care and be gentle with yourself as you navigate your identity. Please know that it's okay to take your time and embrace the journey of self-discovery. If anyone has any additional insights or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[spicy-melon]

Melon, you better be skrunklin some more Mack lore, this is a threat

oh no. what is the little kitten gonna do to me im so scared /t

Mack lore, melon style TM

Pre WKM

Macintosh H. Patrick, goes by mack to his close friends

middle name is Harrison both to fuck with you specifically (/aff) and also means "estate ruler", foreshadows dictatory paths >:))

knew actor since late high school, he moved and transferred to a new school in his third year, kind of an outcast/loner type but hated it. very VERY extroverted but never seemed to "fit in"

mark became one of his only and closest friends. they're actually good friends at first, and sees mack's spark/ability to speak well and be over the top

he recommends the drama club to try and expand mack's social circle (idek if drama/theater clubs existed for schools lower than college in the 1920s i may change this to a local theater troupe that mark was already apart of)

let's just say, he's lived in mark's shadow since the beginning.

local troupe puts on romeo and juliet? mack's auditioning for romeo and gets mercutio, while mark gets the lead. And then it happens again, and then again.

it's a pattern that mack understands at first, mark is technically a more experienced actor, it's just show business and honestly he's glad to even get a role

but fast forward to college, when he recites the hamlet soliloquy absolutely perfectly (it's been a dream role of his since he can remember) and mark flubs the lines he chose? and mark still gets the main character role?

he's fuming, accusing mark of sleeping with the director, all that jazz

they both end up not talking for a bit, but stay in the college program and theatre major track because the two nerds love their craft too much to let a petty feud get in between their dreams

Post WKM

i've already said a bit of this in the server but i will reiterate for convenience✨

manor is vacated/abandoned after everything™

mack visits the mansion, trying to make amends after such a long time.

he's not aware of the shenanigans that took place (he was visiting some family in new york, also trying to make broadway connections. found he didn't really like starring in pictures, not at all because that's mark's area or anything and he couldn't deal with any more rejections because of him)

runs into and makes a deal with a version of the house Entity.

a bit different, as some of it's power was exspnged by creatin everybody's favorite red and blue boy.

nerfed down to a deal with a demon sort of thing

makes a deal to get the lead role in anything he auditions for, catch is: he will lose himself in every role, a separate piece of him will break off and manifest (same type of shit i think "makes" the egos exist as separate beings, just weaker)

petty but, yknow, look at him /lht

something goes wrong when the engineer!mack timeline breaks off to make a new one, the universe is corrupted from the start

shit goes sideways as is seen in space

taking mack out of the role negates his very existence because of this

"You do not get to choose whether or not I exist"

anyways welcome to my wonderful world of macktor, may it haunt your dreams (/lh /sar)

[rising-above-stars]

i wanna know about your characters :3

!!!!! i love them so much i have written bits and pieces i have an entire google drive dedicated to this series

im going to put a read more because this might get long

So first off we have Taylor Connery. He's sort of the first character we focus on. This is very much a fantasy series and I often call him 'accidental King Arthur'. Taylor attended a very elite and strict all boys school that specialised in training knights (there is an all girls counterpart school). The schools are just full of government propoganda and elite teams are often picked to shadow police.

Taylor isn't quite meeting the standards. He's not even being given weapons that suit him. He's not doing as well as he should, so he just gets left behind. But he has this desperate need to prove he's worthy. At some point he breaks into the school's armoury and steals a sword mounted in stone and he improves a lot.

Then things start getting all weird. Taylor isn't quite good with his negative emotions (the cursed shadow dagger he found doesn't help) and he blacks out during missions and such and is often the only survivor but he has no recollection of doing anything, even if there is very clear evidence he did. There's clearly something up with him, but the government is much too worried about protecting the image of the schools they fund so they cover it up. He's required to join the young adult covert rescue guild the local council is starting up so they can keep an eye on him.

I love him, he is so important to me. He's a wonderful swordsman and at some point comes into possessions of Excalibur and forms a connection with Nimue, who offers to train him. He was never supposed to own any of the weapons he has, but he does. He's disrupted the King Arthur time loop (is the best way to put it). He's fiercely loyal, very hyperactive, and very deadly.

Then we have Jade Laureate, but she prefers to go by Jade. She's an archer who just so happens to basically share a consciousness with Artemis. One of her distant ancestors made a deal with the fates: they get to share some of the powers of a god, yet they have to live out their stories. She goes on an anarchy arc by the end of the series (or that is what's planned. She gets a well deserved villain arc). She keeps to herself a lot, but she grows very close to Taylor and Aleso (basically siblings). She's not very great at taking care of herself, often putting everyone else before herself. She's sassy, bitter, and it's a great surprise when she shows affection to someone. She doesn't trust very easily.

Aleso is the definition of a hero complex. He has such a huge ego. Him and Jay basically have a queer platonic rivalry. They did not like each other at first, (the blackmail did not help), but Jay did reluctantly admit that Aleso was pretty good and they could do with having him on their team. He is defintely the more experienced out of the three, coming from being part of the youngest team to ever win the highest guild tournament awards. He does care a lot about people, but because of how much he cares and how much of a hero complex he has, he doesn't let his closest friends in on some of the bigger plans he has even though it would be very useful for them to be in on it as well. He's essentially a magic user.

These three are the main focus of the series. Very much rivals to friends, essentially sibling coded in my mind.

There's also Ajgiel, Aleso's childhood best friend who shows up for revenge at some point (I wrote a very wonderful scene where Ajgiel and Jay reluctantly dance together at a fancy charity evening because they don't want to cause a scene).

Then there's the members of the theatre troupe:

There's Harlow Mecurious, Jay's queer platonic partner. Their focus is on languages and communications, the only person to make Jay soft.

Cam, the owner of a sentient mimic bar. He's one of the very few people who chose to not learn how to use magic. He's a good fighter, good with a sword, and learning to do fire tricks would also help greatly in combat. (The bar is named Mimikos. I like to imagine when it's not in full bar form, its just a mini version of the bar but with legs that follows Cam around)

Lester Mitter is another favourite. His father learnt necromancy, his mother learnt plant magic, he learnt both. He summons dinosaur skeletons, using plants to make up the muscle. Usually they're just for entertainment.

Sarah is basically a phoenix. A lot of fire imagery, she does have a tendency to burst into flames and 'die' at times. Sometimes when she's stressed, sometimes to be dramatic. Usually to be dramatic.

There's Zak who has a connection somehow to the Midgard Serpent (not fleshed out), Jayda who works with animals, and Haleigh who is essentially angry Tinkerbell

This is so messy and not as coherent as I would like because it's late but I love them so much. I have so many thoughts on them and the plot to this whole story and it's all on a google drive (the purpose was so my co-author/illustrator could see it but he is hopeless and doesn't listen so we're really not making much progress)

[charliesinfern0]

PLEASE PLEASE DO AN ANALYSIS OF UR MUSIC CHOICES IM VERY CURIOUS!!!!!!!! i like the juxtaposition of stuff like toms diner with more poppy utaite work i think theres a definite through line w tone that conveys the overall intended consistent ship feel but its still very neatly diverse ^^ INTERESTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY

HI OMG IM SO HAPPY YOURE INTERESTED!!!!! :D hehehe ok um im super excited to do this, im sorry if it takes a while to answer i just have a LOT of thoughts about Aichi ^^

ok lets get into it (under the cut bc its long :3)

So Drop Pop Candy is THE quintessential Aichi song, like she's represented by the girl singing, and she's optimistic about moving forward and spending the days with Ichi, while Ichi is represented by the guy singing (and also the cat), where he's nervous about the future, but Ai encourages him to move forward with her. Also the translation im using mentions the moon and stars, and how the girl wants to reach them, and i think that fits really well with Ai and her connection to the moon! i could just copy paste the entire song here and be like "just read this its literally Aichi" lololol (also i really want to draw Ai in the outfit that the girl in the music video wears >u<)

When We First Met also just fits so well with the idea that i had that Ichimatsu loves Ai's hair, and how when Ai was younger/in highschool her hair was short, but now its really long.

I think that Ichimatsu is very perceptive of the changes in people that he's close to, so it also represents how he sees that Ai has changed since he last saw her, and his love for her has grown since then (also! in the art i made of high school Ai she has a little bunny hair clip, and Ichi is the one that gave it to her :) he won it from a crane game and immediately thought "i have to give this to Ai, she would love it." and she did ^^)

Always Like This and Who Said Anything (About Falling In Love) are low points for Ichimatsu before the start of their relationship. He is so scared of his feelings for her, because he doesnt want to mess up their friendship, he doesnt want to push it and risk it. He also feels like he's holding her back from experiencing life and following her passions, since she told him that she moved back to Akatsuka from college because she missed him and all of her friends there. He thinks that she would be better off if she moved back to her college, and that its selfish that deep down he really wants her to stay with him. BUT AI CAME BACK BECAUSE SHE REALLY DID MISS HIM AND ALL HER FRIENDS AND SHE FELT AWFUL FOR LEAVING AND SHE REALLY DOES CARE ABOUT HIM!!!! T_T

Sunburn is such a cute song that i think represents the sort of beginning of their relationship, and like Ai loves the beach so they would definitely go there for a date.

Its like the giddiness and nervousness Ichi feels, and just how intensely he loves Ai.

Love At First Sight makes me think of before their relationship, but a good amount of time has passed since Ai moved back, and theyve gotten back to being close friends again.

Theres a scenario in my head where Ichi is out at night bc he just needed to get out of his house for a while, and he ends up at Ai's place and they hang out and she's like "if you want to spend the night you can, i cant imagine living with five other people like your brothers haha" and while she's talking hes zoning out and in his brain hes screaming but then hes just like "ok. that, sounds good. thank you" and then hard cut to him laying on her couch wide awake thinking 'im in love with her im in love with her oh my god im in love with her. i need to kill somebody' lololol ^^ the song just really reminds me of him, especially these lyrics:

Beings is on the playlist mainly because of the nostalgia it gives me of when i first got into Osomatsu-san because thats when i first heard it ^^

Mermaid mainly represents how Ai feels when she realizes her feelings for Ichimatsu. There's a lyric that says "This tiny world, when you totter with the screw, it will begin to loosen up!", and it reminds me a lot of Ai in the fact that shes a robot and has screws, but also that her world is held together by screws, and they get rusty and weak when theyre in the water. She feels like her world changes when her feelings for Ichimatsu flood her heart ("The tiny world is flying out, as her heart floats on cloud nine. The boy must be aiming at the sea. Unable to shake off this wobbly feeling, she already knows, it is nothing but fascination!") The lyric "Her real face is shown" makes me think of how Ai sometimes thinks that she is nothing but a machine, her "true face" only being the screws and wires that she is made up of. Then, the lyrics "Knowing that nothing else will happen, he goes on chasing something as if motivated for some reason. It is nothing but fascination!" are more from Ichimatsu's point of view, about how he wants to understand Ai and her feelings when he sees a shift in how she acts (because of her feelings for him), but he knows that nothing will really happen because hes scared of finding out how she truly feels about him, because he doesnt want her to hate him, but hes also scared at the fact that she likes him.

Sweet Little Kiss is a bit of a pick-me-up from the previous song, just a sweet little love song that makes me think of a cute date where Ai and Ichi walk in the winter snow, feeling warm from the sweets they eat and their love for each other, and they share a sweet kiss in the snow :)

ツキ (Tsuki) is the namesake of the playlist! :D Tsuki means moon, which ties into how Ai is connected to the moon.

Its sung from Ichimatsu's perspective, about how he doesn't really think he's the right person for Ai, but as long as she's here with him, he'll do his best to comfort her.

These lyrics are just so him ;_;

Hibikase is leaning a bit into AU territory, mainly it makes me think about the merch line where the brothers are hackers. Like Ai is a vocaloid/robotic idol in their world and they fall in love despite her being a computer. it just fits to me, also its just one of my fave songs ever ^^

６つ子の魂ナユタまで (Mutsuko no Tamashi Nayuta Made) is the op that i connect to Ai and Ichimatsu the most (though it can also extend to the other brothers considering what the song is about).

Ai sees the many different sides of Ichimatsu, and even though she knows how shitty he and his brothers can be, she cant help her feelings.

Its a more lighthearted version of Ai figuring out her feelings for Ichi, but she still does feel like it would be too good to be true if Ichi did like her back.

Love At First Sight (2011 Fancy Studio Version) ITS THE REPRISE!!!! Its a contrast to the much quieter original version, where Ichi was trying to push his feelings down and not let them take over, but in this version its a lot more upbeat and theres more going on, showing that Ichi is fully realizing his feelings and they blow up inside him, filling his heart with love for Ai.

Tom's Diner is specifically for the Phantom Thief AU, taking place in this pretty city that Ai lives in. She's at a coffee shop during a rainy day, with a bunch of small things around her that remind her of Ichi (a black cat walking by outside, cat paintings inside the shop), because she had previously encountered him during one of his heists since her father Dekapan is the owner of the biggest museum in their city. All that he left behind was a purple handkerchief with a black cat paw on it, which she kept and is now studying as she sips her coffee. She feels someone is looking at her, but when she turns, there's nobody except a cute black cat meowing at her from outside.

Celeste makes me think of the Denki Mystery AU, and its from the perspective of Hajime (Ichi).

Instead of new years, Hajime reminisces on the summer festival he, Akimi (Ai) and his brothers went to when they all first came to the village, and he remembers how she looked in her yukata covered in red flowers.

Hajime feels as though he's seen Akimi before, and he wants to find out the secret she seems to be wrapped up in. He's not sure what his feelings are for her, he always feels like hes chasing after her, trying to understand her. But, he also feels like he shouldnt be getting so close to her, despite his beating heart signaling otherwise.

サリシノハラ (Sarishinohara) and Sexy Sunshine being right next to each other is a bit of whiplash considering the tones of each song, but i put them together because theyre songs that i connect to the Fujio Rock AU. Sarishinohara i think is a song that Ai would sing during the festival, since in the AU she's an underground idol who is also a fan girl of the Matsuno brothers' band. She catches the eye of the brothers, and after that she becomes a regular feature for their songs and when they perform live (in actuality they all knew each other when they were younger, and dont recognize each other now, but when Ichi saw her first perform on stage, he thought her voice sounded familiar). Sexy Sunshine reminds me of the Feat. Matsuzou set from the AU, since it takes place at a music festival on the beach, and i think its a song that Ai and Ichi would perform together with the rest of the band.

and yeah! aichi is very real to me ^^

[ravenkinnie]

oh of course! I don’t think my question I too personal but it felt weird to just drop it on you without making sure it’s ok. Of course that doesn’t mean you have to reply. Please just ignore this if you think it is too personal. You are the only other person I „know“ with bpd and you always seem honest so I thought maybe you’d have some perspective on this.

So I have a new partner and they have bpd. We are really open about it and they taught me a lot. Recently they have been asking me a lot if I still love them and told me they have been feeling very insecure even when they logically know my feelings won’t just change overnight. They told me to look up „fp“ and how that was the intensity of attachment they had towards me. Now I really fell down a rabbit hole with this (especially on tik tok) and there are some people (with bpd themselves) who suggest people shouldn’t „feed“ this sort of attachment too much. Not ignoring the other person or rejecting them but setting clear boundaries and not reassuring them every single time. They said in the long run this would help them detach themselves again so they become more rational and less likely to act impulsively.

Ive talked to my partner about this and they said it sounds reasonable but difficult to handle for them as well. In the end we decided as long as we communicate openly it would all be ok.

Now that was like a month ago and lately my partner has become really detached. They won’t talk to me and when I caught them crying they told me to leave them alone. Now I know it’s not cool but I asked their friend if they knew what was wrong and they just said my partner has been feeling like it’s hard to maintain our relationship lately. Basically as I understand it they don’t feel loved enough but they also know those feelings aren’t rational and feel guilty about them.

Now of course you aren’t a therapist and my question isn’t really about this situation because that’s between me and my partner but all of this just made me wonder if there even is a universal way to support someone with bpd. I absolutely love them but more often than not it feels like both trying to connect more and keeping my distance is hurting them. And it’s starting to hurt me as well.

How do you as someone with bpd feel about the balance between closeness and detachment? Can it really work to try and „make them“ love you less so they can more easily handle a close connection in the long run?

Im sure of course there isn’t a one answer fits all but sometimes I feel like no matter how much I read about it I don’t quite understand how bpd affects the way people think and feel.

Im sorry again if this too personal and too much. Regardless of if you answer or not I hope you’ll have a nice weekend :)

tbh there's no general answer to this, people are just different. everyone experiences different parts of bpd differently and the way they navigate these things in relationships will differ. the thing about bpd attachments is that they are just not stable lmao and that makes forming relationships v hard because it feels like you can't control those emotions. I've experienced splitting in relationships before and it's a very difficult and crazy thing to experience and explain because you know its not rational but that doesn't mean that you can stop feeling these things. and honestly maybe it's controversial to say but there's a point where you have to accept that maybe recovery means not being in relationships like this for a while - not not forming connections at all but maybe not committed relationships like this because you need to reach a point of recovery where you can handle these things by yourself to some extent before you can learn to handle it with a partner.

now I'm not a bitch to be telling people whether that's something they should do because I've been in relationships continuously since I was 19 so I'm not the brightest example hshshsjsk but personally, one thing I learned is that you can't form a healthy attachment in a relationship until you can learn that you can be okay by yourself, whatever that looks like. I think it can look like a detachment but I think of it more like independence that allows you to rationalise those bpd feelings because you can handle that fear of abandonment better.

that's why I also don't like framing bpd as loving too much or sth, like forming this independence is not loving less, I don't love my girlfriend less now than I loved someone before her just because I feel more like my own person in our relationship and set boundaries that don't rely on needing to be dependent anymore. if you want to work on a healthy relationship despite issues that will pop up because having a disorder that fucks you over constantly will create friction, you need to work on your own identity and separate stable personhood too on top of emotional regulation that helps with mitigating issues related to splitting etc

[our-monochopsis]

brief thoughts on communication skills and debate, autism and masking, tact, good vs bad faith debate

rambles sorted into loose sections half self examination diary half loose psychological thesis

the skill of speech

i was thinking about how much i like to talk (i am very self-aware that i ramble, i like hearing myself talk, i can go on random triads and anecdotes for an indefinite amount of time if nobody stops me) and started thinking about the concept of speech as a skill, or communication skills in general

the thought first started with the idea that most people don't 'train' speech; i think of RPGs that use it as a skill, speech in fallout or in some form charisma in DND systems. but in real life most people don't really think about how they talk at all, they aren't really conscious of how or to whom they're communicating to as much as they are just saying things

i think actually taking the time to try and improve your own communication skills is rare, sort of like how a few weeks of exercise immediately puts you above the majority of the population because most people simply don't exercise at all

i thought about myself and how much i love to give speeches when the time is appropriate, or how 'easy' it is to keep myself composed under pressure or to adapt a new personality for the purpose of acting or a bit

autism and communication skills

i'm autistic, i struggled socially, but i'm somewhat adverse to the general social struggle stereotype because i don't find it overtly difficult to speak to people or make friends, i just find it incredibly tiring and taxing on my mental energy (it's not that i DISLIKE it, i love having friends and making them, connecting with people, it just takes a lot out of me to start and maintain them)

so i STRUGGLED socially, but i was capable of building the pathways in my brain by observing and studying human beings throughout my life in order to 'mask' and fit in

i had to develop my own social skills and blend in to the world of normal people, masking is a second skin, its a different person, its very off-putting to think

1. a majority of the people i interact with in my life are never really interacting with me, they're just interacting with the mask i wear, never even getting close to what i'm actually like as a human being because that mask is on tight

2. i had to become someone else in order to succeed socially, i have to be an actor to make friends in most average social situations

that as an aside, i basically had to RPG grind the concept of communicating with people for my entire life, so i built up a bunch of XP. compound that with me being lucky enough to not spawn with as much negative levels as some of my other brothers/sisters on the spectrum. i managed to get to level 1 and afford myself basic social skills, but ive been doing it for so long i do it without thinking, so im just passively collecting more XP by experiencing further social situations. i obviously have a general cap to what ive gained this way because im not some kind of politician or actual career public speaker, i can just compose myself well in a pressuring social situation and deliver words in a way that people are able to understand

i literally had to work through the concept of basic human communcation backwards- i had to reverse engineer how to speak, and built it back up slowly until i arrived at level one and then managed to push up a little bit further since i was now able to take information i had previously learned and stored in the databanks and reformat it after a system upgrade to make better use of stored data

so if regular people are level 1, maybe im like level 3? or maybe the game-ification aspect of this is falling apart and i should stop doing it

what even is being good at talking? tact?

i'm not necessarily the most goated speaker of my generation but i think

engaging in a serious conversation in a way that is

clear

concise

understandable

is actually really hard, especially when dealing with someone who is already predisposed to disbelieve you or not take you seriously

now let's briefly talk about the word 'tact', aka knowing who your speaking to and changing the way you communicate in order for them to better understand you

the actual definition being

tact

/tak(t)/

noun

adroitness and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult issues."the inspector broke the news to me with tact and consideration"

(adroitness=cleverness, skill)

this can manifest in a lot of ways most people already do but didn't know the word for

knowing your friend doesn't like something, so you don't bring it up

acting differently around friends vs family

when in rome, doing what locals to in an unfamiliar environment

masking, code switching, etc are all forms of tact

i think that most people have a very basic level or understanding of tact

adopting social norms to me is like your body's subconscious sense of tact adapting your personality traits (creating new ones or suppressing old ones) in order to not stand out as much

some people are born with some sense of tact and other people start at zero have to learn and develop it over time

approaching it from a perspective of a debate or disagreement changes things though- people who have tact, are good at speaking, communicating, etc. can completely lose these skills when faced with a disagreement

advanced tact- consoling, teaching, mental optimization

I think simply being able to speak to someone who

isn't aware of what your aware of,

of the notion they're unaware of,

and doing so in a way that is understandable,

is a basic mental facility some people don't build

basic tact is as i described earlier, but an advanced sense of tact comes into play when you're consoling someone

(how are they upset? what is the problem and how was it caused? do they need it to be fixed, or do they just need to vent? what is the remedy, does there need to be one or is the answer getting over the hump to acceptance? etc.)

or, when you're trying to explain something or teach someone

(what makes them 'not get it?' what's causing the mental block? how do you bridge that gap for them? how do you explain something to someone who doesn't know what you know, about the thing they don't know about, in a way that they can understand?

how can you make them understand in a way they can understand, not in a way that makes you understand?)

these things are basically social puzzles, challenges that put your communication skills to the test, sometimes it feels like a normal jigsaw puzzle and sometimes it's like tip-toeing around a minefield. in these situations you're usually looking for a 'breakthrough', that's the best outcome- a resolution that DOESN'T necessarily fix their problem, or tell them something directly, but puts them in a position where they can resolve their own problem, or learn without your aid

the goal of consoling isn't to make yourself the savior, it's to put the troubled person in a place where they're capable of getting over it themselves

in a way this could sound bad- if you were to be critical of my thinking, you could say something alongside the lines of 'that's selfish, you don't want the mental burden of trying to help them, that's just giving up'

but from my point of view, putting someone in a position where they're capable of 'getting over it' themselves means they come out stronger. obviously that isn't always the goal, or the best method, or even necessary, i'm not a psychopath. but i think the best outcome is that person being more capable of handling their mental struggles in the future themselves. instead of stepping in to save them as part of some kind of grand hero complex, you are giving them the mental tools to repair what's broken or off-kilter, and hopefully adding it to their own skillset.

and a similar view is seen for teaching- the ultimate goal isn't to make the pupil understand a concept, but to give them the tools and make them understand how they can understand the concept. then, they can apply that same thinking to similar questions or concepts in the future.

and both of these 'best outcomes' (as i see them) can only happen with tact! really good, strong tact!

if you want an extremely basic version of this, we learn equations, not just the answer to the number problem. now apply that thinking to every form of teaching, consoling, or other social skill test

the difficulty with tact with convincing and debates

you will never be an effective communicator if you can't see through someone elses eyes

instead of writing people off who don't instantly or instinctively understand you as being ignorant on purpose to spite you or just stupid, build that mental facility and put in shifts walking in other people's shoes

even if it sucks, even if their reasons are stupid, you have to understand their reasons they think something before you could ever hope to convince them what they think is actually wrong

you HAVE to do this- you HAVE to, if you are engaging in the 'debate' seriously, scale the walls of their mental fortress and figure out what makes why in their brain

and obviously, this is a very difficult thing to accomplish because it's impossible to have a 100% completion rate. it's somewhat unavoidable that we insert our own bias and assumptions into their thought patterns and reasoning

and to double down, even when communicating with someone who stands for the same goals or ideals, you are both possibly interpreting the thing you agree with in different ways. sometimes when deconstructing a concept someone agrees with you on you'll find that you actually think very different things, or have radically different reasons for coming to the same conclusion, in a way you don't necessarily agree with

simplified; it's unavoidable to assume things. the game played properly is assuming things correctly, though the method of combining concrete information with a series of loosely stitched together educated guesses blanketed in a patchwork benefit of the doubt

sometimes you'll deconstruct someone's mental patterns and realize it makes you not like them even more. you understand the reason, but the reason is bad and stupid. but that's still the board you have to play on if you want to actually engage with them or even hope to change their minds. that's still the springboard you're bouncing off of. you understand this person better-

now can you actually engage with them properly, better? or does it make you hate them more? can you ignore that in order to communicate with them? so on. sometimes you have to grit your teeth and trudge through the wasteland. sometimes you pull out of the matrix early because it isn't worth it. sometimes the mountain is too high to climb. sometimes you try anyway

this isn't to say that people who think awful things are always worth considering or communicating with; i don't believe in giving a platform to a racist for instance. racism is an inherently illogical thing. to 'understand' a racist involves jumping through a bunch of poorly though out wiring that, if untangled, will simply break the machine. you can't seriously debate a racist because it's a concept so stupid it's impossible to take seriously.

sometimes you can still try tip-toeing the subject. the concept of 'seeing through the eyes of a racist' sounds insane but you can do it in order to present themselves with their own logical fallacies. sometimes all it takes to deconstruct a concept is asking questions about it's basic functions. but then again there's generally no merit to saying something like, 'you've intentionally taken an illogical position in order to excuse hate' because most racists already know that. it only really works if that specific racist is trying to approach their racism with easily disproven psuedoscience or something of that matter

okay enough about debating racists lets get back to

when you are arguing with someone even about something basic you're actively challenging the bridges they've built in their brain to connect information which have been reinforced in their mind for an untold number of years

a heated debate over a serious topic, or a battle of wits, while instinctually intellectual in nature in the sense of needing to get your facts right and righting the wrongs your opponent presents,

is actually a skill that relies more on charisma, as a debate isn't about being right, it's being able to convince the other person that you're right

intellectually you can understand that the information you have is the correct information, but can you make someone else see that? believe it? take it into consideration?

what the 'facts don't care about your feelings' crowd doesn't ever really seem to understand is that emotional intelligence is intelligence. you have to be really smart to understand people psychologically. using 'tact' is a charismatic skill that is built on intelligence. you have to have tact! when you don't have it, you can't talk to people good! nobody's going to pay attention to what you have to say if you can't deliver it effectively!

that's why political parties have politicians. they're the mouthpiece; they're the charisma, they are the tact of the political machine. they are the human delivery of a political parties ideas

even if you do really think someone is stupid, you saying that doesn't help

are you actually trying to debate with someone and convince them you're correct, or do you just want them to feel bad about being wrong? i've done both, but it's important to understand the difference between actually having an intelligent debate and just having an argument (don't get semantics on me you know what i'm saying)

for example, if someone makes a shitty tweet, you don't have to really dive into their psyche and change their mind one neuron at a time. sometimes you can just call them stupid.

but let's say your family member or friend says something wrong? to the point where you actively need to engage with them in a way that doesn't lead to a by-the-numbers negative influence on both parties, potentially damaging the relationship?

that's the chance to employ tact. and knowing when to use tact and when it doesn't matter... that's right baby, that's tact too. we're always tacting whether we like it or not, that's why it's good to be good at it

sometimes you actively stand to gain something by taking your social opponent in a direction that doesn't actively go against them. sometimes you have to make a stupid person think it was their own idea to change because otherwise they never will. sometimes being gentle with someone whose being aggressive is the only real answer. etc

in a debate, taking a position of unrelenting offense or playground insults instead of using tact and effectively engaging with your opponent would lead to a loss. but what if it didn't?

a quick aside on good faith vs bad faith debates

streamers arguing with eachother on a livestream regardless of the subject aren't engaging in a serious debate, they're basically just socially wrestling for an audience to comment on

you can have a debate with someone. you can use tact, be an effective communicator, be nuanced. but if the goal isn't to seriously engage?

when there's an audience involved, are you preaching to the choir? do you play to the ever-updating twitch chat? in front of your friends, are you disagreeing with your opponent or are you just agreeing with your friends?

the goal of modern televised debate, from internet personalities to our modern day politics, is less step by step and more setup and punchline, where the ultimate goal is to pedestal yourself as a noble unassailable being of pure facts and logic punching down on a rancorous, ignorant buffoon who should be ridiculed for even daring to go toe to toe with someone better at making the other guy look dumb. it is by basic reasoning a 'bad faith' position to take

i watch streamers argue sometimes, its fun, but it's hard to take it seriously even if someone is saying things you agree with. it's a different kind of debate, a different kind of social challenge. you have the common pressure of a watching audience, but entirely different goals. 99% of the time, a publicized debate is more about making your enemy into content instead of actually having a logical discussion about something.

i'm not here to make you understand why i think the way i think, or to deconstruct why you think the way you think, i'm here to turn you into a content farm. i'm collecting clips. it's for the subscribers, not the noble goal of reaching common ground or a logical conclusion

am i a master debator? baiter? do i debate? master debate? inator? master debator inator?

how i approach debates;

revisiting the optimization i talked about earlier- despite writing all of this out in a mad dash of mental strain at 4 in the morning (time goes fast when your rambling), puttering away at what it means to talk good for hours in front of a dimly lit screen, i typically do not engage in tact when it comes to debates. i don't take people seriously. but my reasons are very good i think

i can generally tell when someone wants to engage in a serious discussion vs when they are only here to virtue signal their own beliefs and leave, grandstanding their beliefs over yours with no intention of an actual discussion

i have a limited amount of mental energy and it generally isn't worth spending on spur of the moment internet flamewars

i am a mental optimizer

the last note- i think the ultimate goal of a debate should be common ground. the ultimate goal of a debate should not be to be 'right', but to establish a new, more constructive narrative for both parties. this is the utopian outcome; we take two disagreements, a result of missing information and confusion, put what we know together and pit various bits and pieces of data together, we figure out what is and isn't true based on what we both provide, and in turn we can both walk away smarter

but i know the chances of this actually happening are incredibly low

when i say i love to debate people, it's kind of unavoidable to conjure the image of a ben shapiro emulator running off damaged software. but i really do like it when i disagree with someone about something and we both run off our own reasonings and lists. a good debate or argument is like fencing. it's fun!

and it's fun when both parties use their tact, so that even if a common ground isn't necessarily reached, we can understand the value in eachothers viewpoints, or at the bare minimum ingest enough information to better understand the other person's point of view if we're unable to liken benefit or meaning to their actual beliefs

that's a pipe dream though. it doesn't happen

the ending

now that i've talked about communication skills, autism, tact, and racism, let's revisit the gameification aspect i was going for earlier

a

level one tact challenge(tm)

is giving someone a little push to do something they already wanted to, like acknowledging it's okay for someone to start doing something they were waiting for confirmation on

level one tact challenges are basically just suggestions that don't require a lot of thought. use tact to determine what it is and then just pull the trigger. you can't miss you just need the basic thought to understand what that person is waiting to hear, or when to shoot

a level two is convincing your friend to take a bite of your food at a resturaunt. the meal contains something your friend normally doesn't like, but it doesn't taste the same it usually does.

i don't typically enjoy or seek out spinach. but when my friend wanted me to try the spinach dip with our nachos, i didn't really have to think about it.

three is convincing someone to start their day when the bed is really comfortable and they're still tired,

four is like... convincing someone who isn't confident that they look good in the clothes they're trying on. you use tact to understand why/how they're self concious, understanding through tact they don't actively see what you see because they see themselves as a worse version of themselves.

maybe you accentuate what you like about it. it's just so 'you', the style matches what you usually wear, it fits you well. maybe more specific, like it makes your shoulders broad in a nice way, or it adds a lot to your side profile/silhouette. use some tact to compliment then in a way they feel good about in order to raise their confidence. sometimes you have to fish for a path that works before you walk down it...

4 is the jumping point in a way, once you get here and above you're actually challenging people, or challenging their preconceived notions or thoughts. it becomes more an actual struggle from there up

a level five is teaching a basic task that is relatively difficult to a child,

level six is a heated bad faith livestream argument,

a level seven is convincing your friend/family to stop saying something they didn't know is insensitive/a slur,

a level eight is convincing your friend/family to stop saying something they're fully aware is insensitive or a slur,

a level 9 is a presidential debate stage,

and a level 10 is actively trying to debate twitter troll about racism being bad or not

if i were to really close my eyes and throw the dart at the board from a relatively close yet still blind distance, i'd say most of the human population can realistically handle a level 4 challenge with some great effort, 5 when they really apply themselves, and then break down at 6 and above, if they even try at all

and a noticeable amount of the population stop at 2 and put zero effort into any further tiers

and to place myself i feel like i could realistically tackle a 7 and below, 8 is possible with great effort. there are also a lot of people who can or at least think they can/are willing to try, but on average i feel like most people wouldn't really be effective communicators when it comes to such challenging situations to be in. remember that winning is communicating and using tact effectively, not just shaming someone for being wrong or etc as discussed earlier

the worst part about grinding tact/communication XP is unless you serially choose which battles to fight (which isn't a bad thing necessarily it just means you're gonna level super slowly) you're destined to inevitably fail. in fact, if you're willing to dissect why you failed beyond just the shame of social failure and reclusion, it's probably the best way to level your skills. you have to have enough skill to diagnose your skill failures. it's a muscle; you build it up, but it has to burn itself before it comes back stronger. and if you don't keep using that muscle, it'll eventually atrophy. failing is normal when trying to progress in anything and that is still true for things like communication skills, so maybe do some self-preparation before actually engaging and get that mental fortitude up before someone takes a wrecking ball to your wall in retaliation

oh, and there's the whole idea that the 'dark side' of tact is basically just manipulation, but then it gets muddy when you try to draw the line sometimes. if your manipulating someone to do something that's good for them and doesn't directly benefit you, are you manipulating them? or are you just using tact? at what point in a debate does your toolbox start radiating sith energy? how many people use tools they aren't even aware radiate darkness, even if it's done with good intent to achieve good outcomes that aren't necessarily beneficial for you?

i mean obviously there's a moral failing, because what you think is good for someone might not be what they want, and if you preside over their own reasoning you're overstepping your boundaries. i think this is solved with safety nets; although i don't like the idea that i have to self-impose restrictions on how i interact with people to make sure i'm not acting on bad faith without realizing it, it's probably more normal than i'd think, and it's better that i'm self aware enough to have that understanding in the first place. but then there's that whole conversation to have about extreme situations and excruciating circumstances; we ban drugs like meth because it's inherently extremely harmful to consume. if someone is fully informed, aware, and conscious of what meth does to the body, and they choose to take it, and you don't let them, are you taking away their freedoms? are you 'playing god' by not letting people hurt themselves? but what do we know is really hurting? when are we supposed to let go?

i think there's a much larger conversation to be had about things like this, but there are some notions i'd like to think about and dissect in the future; ideas like, well it's bad for an individual to do it, that's why we create systems that check eachother for failures before pushing laws like 'no meth' through. even the most obvious things have to be rigorously checked, because at one time, gay marriage being illegal was the result of a failing system. and how much trust do we even put in our modern day legal system? is the 'system' not just a collection of individuals who can be manipulated themselves?

what even is manipulation? control? tact? did i properly explain what tact is in this post? am i being tactful right now and writing something digestible? no, im not being tactful at all, this whole post is catered to how i logically approach things and isnt explicitly 1:1 written for people who dont think like me

putting a cap on it before i completely go off the rails; that whole self-imposed discussion will be it's own post. i hope the rest of this is legible

[yourmoonmomma]

hey can I ask your advice on this common issue? what do you think is the best option cause girl I have struggled with friends since forever. Every other person is either so self absorbed that they need jesus or idfk are people getting worse at communication and listening?

do you think its better to a) have limited amount of "friends" even fi you dont meet them regularly enough

b) those friends that only ever message once in a blue moon orrrr if they do ever meet up with you everything is abt them

c) or non at all bc everyone puts up a facade and you dont know which one is the real them

I feel like I have run into all sorts of people yet nothings stuck besides similar patterns in the type of people I seem to be running into. Even family and parents are sometimes a bit of a letdown as well or I barely get to see other relatives anymore. idk but the way society is currently doesnt give me good feelings and it seems that if we dont have or get into something early on we dont get to maintain close connections whereas others might just have been at the right time or place to meet their life long buddies. I tried clubs, online activities with another friend but it just didnt stick to me like that one thing would be all we had in common or they kinda didnt care to explore other activities that we couldve done well at together.

I just think and am concerned with how selfish people are becoming and how people dont even want to be accountable for nothing they ever did wrong either? Like you ask person can you not interrupt me but they will keep doing it over and over cause it seem nothing I say sticks to anyones mind. Then I get told off if im ever too loud or too quiet so I cant win with anyone. Even tho other adults are also loud and even more obnoxious than whatever im trying to do I jusr cant seem to receive the same attention long enough to feel valued

I mean say you had same age friend in college who kept turning down ur offers to socialise outside of their area / home? its rude asf imho, I even tell her that sure we can gift each other bday presents orrr we might hang out during class and such but anything else she didnt care to spend other time in my area or seeing something new or doing something new... every time I ask someone been rejecting me or almost ignore my existence even if they claim to be my "friend" I dont even tell no one nothing abt myself bc u dont know how the other person going to react and some people are chronic talkers or overshare too much and I think those types of people are more annoying to deal with bc u got to basicslly be their audience and they too also dont care that much to ask u nothing to show u no interest in ur intersts. it dont seem to matter what age or generation they be either. but damn people are getting harder to connect with bc u dont know what personality they going to have when trying to engage with them.

some people also outright contradict themselves or gaslight others in the same paragraphs or sentences too which make it harder to point out they doing it cause nobody ever wanna admit they at fault for something or other. so I cant win with that bc people seem to be so mentally asleep about themselves. I have experienced literal adult men throwing tantrums for over decade and got not a single response whenever I be trying to share my interest with them they just dont care or relatives idfk. I mean I can vent to someone and they show almost no emotion nor concern for my vent or problem. mostly bc they wont believe me or dismiss anything i ever say if they dont believe it as well.

same for those who dont ask how you doing? is the world just becoming so blindsided and cliquey, if we dont have the same level of interest that others have in themselves then they aint going to care but its been such a common pattern in my life and ik something was off when I was doing this fun run and was supposed to run with my "friends" but they ended up running slower basically to avoid me even tho i dont say nothing wrong to them then or at any point. idk why social rejection is worse feeling than completely being ignored cause at least I now want only peace in my life instead of buncha fake ass people who dont care in the long run but then life is less fun at the same time.

when ur a kid u think u can get so much praise and attention but when u an adult u quickly realise who really dont care in the long run or they can sometimes say they care but when u really upset with them they dont care to correct their behaviour. I think I been dealing with narcs my whole life bruh. sorfy for rambling thanks for reading

I think the first option is better. HOWEVER I am also a bad friend. Like I'll state it right off the bat to people. A mutual friend, Joy, recently messaged me saying she'd love to be closer with me, and I told her that I'd also love that, BUT I am not a good friend. I forget to text back, I almost NEVER text first, I'm flaky with plans, etc etc. If you need someone, I am there, but just as a general everyday friend? I'm not that great! So BECAUSE of that, your first option sounds better for me. But it may not be what feels best for you! However, I don't think isolating from numerous negative experiences is a good idea. I know it's hard to keep trying, but it will eventually be worth it.

You have to find the people who are more like-minded to you, and they ARE out there. Frankly I think you & my friend Jonah would get along REALLY well, you two seem to have similar personalities, or at least talk about very very similar things/experiences! You will find your people <3

Social rejection hurts more because you opened yourself. You're saying "maybe this will work this time." Your inner child is eagerly looking for connection and love and wants so badly for this to be the time you aren't rejected. So it feels like a slap in the face. You're right, if you don't put yourself out there, it doesn't hurt as bad!!! But you will also end up missing out on a lot.

And just know, you are NOT in the wrong for being hurt by those situations. I would be hurt too. I've been upset with a few friends lately who are always "so excited" to see me, but then if I spend a couple days NOT travelling to them, they will straight up ignore me or refuse to come over because it isn't worth their time. That shit hurts. So this college friend? I'd be upset too in your position. Likewise the running situation? I've been the third friend trailing behind another two while they talk. I've straight up stopped and watched them not realize, at all, that I wasn't with them anymore. Again, that hurts. GOOD friends? Don't do that. Or, if they do, they're willing to apologize and correct the behaviour. At least, friends who are good for you!

Also I'm probably gonna prove your point right that most people suck LOL but I'm sorry I have such a hard time answering your asks sometimes!! Big blocks of texts are hard for me to respond to unmedicated, or when I'm under the weather, or just... feeling my ADHD symptoms at all. Sounds like an excuse, but I am sorry, and I do always read your full messages, even if I don't respond <33

[think-it-through]

i dont like to talk of others than myself on the internet so ill keep the side of my oartner as inaccurate as i can while still expressing myself on this matter.

but. i have anxiety right? and ive dated someone for a long time. and yet there are little to no complaints little to no instructions. in some ways, yes its great. and beautiful and why cant i just accept that? do i belive i cannot have a happy relationship? no i do, i can and deserve one. i just don't believe its real, not like this. so im constantly trying to do my best and prevent ever hurting them or neglecting their needs by mistake and at the same time constantly trying to brace myself for the moment it does happen. the moment they break and tell me they think i am bad for them and toxic and incompatible and this is not working. and this part obviously comes from some part of me, not them. probably some sort of result from the conditionality of the love i experienced before this, its just so hard to believe someone would love me without conditions, conditions that, as an imperfect human i will ofc, predictably so, never meet or fail to meet at one point or something alone those lines.

and yet. the other side of things is just. how little i feel like i know about their mind and boundaries? in this relationship, as a sensitive person, that is also conflict averse i do my bestest to explain my emotional needs and thought processes, preventively or in case something already did hurt me or affect me somehow. part of this is to avoid conflict but a big part of it is also to avoid being misunderstood, my behaviour slipping and reflecting my regative, hurt, petty emotions and then, worst case scenario in my head, hurt my partner. so im constantly explaining myself, constantly asking for what i need or saying how i feel in detail, when i am asked and ready to do so. to be clear, this is all intented as a means of being understood, bringing security into the relationship, i try my best to deal with my emotions and not make it seem like i am bestowing them onto my partner to be responsible of.

but, as someone like that, it is so hard for me to take, to believe, to accept, the lack of boundaries and communication about any hurt they ever felt in this relationship. there have been sometimes where they did talk of something, but its less than i can count on one hand and it was usually brief and momentarily, rarely resurfacing or anything in the likes of that.

ive discussed these worries with them and they always simply say im a good partner and they genuinely dont have anything more in their head that they are hiding or anything lile that.

but, in a different context they have also mentioned a fear of intimacy which would explain this. and also a tendency to deal w every struggle by themselves or at least the emotional type.

and at least twice they have admitted to going through more emotionally than they let on(during a situation i notice they act unusual and then a few days later after i worry about it, maybe they admit to it)

so im at a point of.. do i bring this up again for the 19th time and force this person to open up and let me into their emotional life? or, to put it much less harshly, do i insist that i want (and frankly, to deepen our connection i need) our relationship to be a space for visiting each others minds, being emotionally vulnerable, maximising emotional and physical comfort to each other around each other, authenticity, a space so comfortable neither of us think twice before simply saying whats on their minds, before simply being, simply existing in each others presence. i want it to have the nature of full authenticity and comfort in that sense but also discomfort as in healthy, growing, discomfort, such as emotional vulnerability and open honest disagreement and genuine interest in listening and understanding each other and our differences (something i have experienced with few close friends already. so i know it is possible. it sounds romanticised when put into words like this but all in all, i just wanna be completely honest and completely be ourselves around each other man. if we re not then are we really in love, are we really friends. are we really connecting.

orr, the other option that i have been trying to take and failing is. trusting that they are in fact, already doing everything they said above and there is no other hidden layer. and they are just much more simple in their thinking and much more secure and stable in their emotions, so ofc, to someone like me, who has to constantly manage the wave of my emotions, it seems unusual but in fact, it is just another way of being? but, also, knowing my partner, they are not a neurotypical, anxiety/emotion free person either. so. but then again, i am an anxious person. its hard for me to admit self diagnosis wise but i really believe i have some type of anxiety disorder. and the opposite of anxiety iss trust, something i am trying to practice more, so perhaps for my growth, i should try to continue with this route thst has not helped me so much, trust.

well, i did try both routes and neither was satisfactory. 1. sure i can ask but if my partner doesnt want to share or believe there even is smth there to share, i just get nothing.

2. i trust and it might be okay for a while, but i feel part of our connection is lacking, and also the fact is imminent, that a situation will happen, some sort of moment, and i will sense an emotion or boundary or even just thought or opinon unmentioned by them and i will go insane once again,over everything i just wrote down.

welll i might jst try to bring this up as philosophically as i wrote it here and discuss it for fun w them and see what happens.

but also, why am i so obsessed with knowing everything in this persons mind(cough cough love i guess??) they deserve their privacy but i also deserve a relationship connection that is emotionally satisfactory and mutual, not just on my end.

i dont know. i dont know anything. but ik one thing.

i love this person and, only and only in a way healthy and nurturing for us both and our growth, i want to make this work.