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cooki3face · 9 months

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cookie face master list ♡

message: this is my official master list for my tarot readings and any of my other favorite post that I’ve made so far, I make a lot of posts that aren’t titled or formatted in any way so this a good tool to use to be able to find any of my posts that are important to find that have any important information or did really well. Thank you to the user who recommended I create one of these, I had started making one some time ago but I ended up giving up because I was intimidated by how many post I had and how I would format this master list. ❤️

public psa & content breakdown (PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU INTERACT!!!)

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚ tarot readings:

cookie face tarot info: (please read!!) (personal tarot readings open!!)

Cookie face tarot readings ♡ | book

entertainment:

your first time alone with your spouse 🖤

their last dream of you ☁️🔒

how people see you ⭐️

what will your marriage be like 💍

what would your divine masculine be like as a father

their favorite things about you 💐

how does your person view intimacy with you (18+)

what kind of seducer are you (18+)

what will you be like as a mother

what permanent union w/ your divine feminine would be like: divine masculine reading

why are they silent?

what lessons are you learning in love right now?

Messages from spirit on conflict between Israel and Palestine 🇵🇸❤️

your next quantum leap

what your in laws would think of you (and their child)

messages for singles from your divine counterpart

messages from someone who let go of you

what you need to hear right now: channeled from spirit

what’s going on in your friendships

Your present reality vs far future

***

energy check-in:

~ Energy check in w/ advice : July 2, 2023 ~

~ Energy check in w/ advice : June 27, 2023 ~

energy update 🧿: 8/18/23

six card pull: energy update ♡

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divine feminine/divine masculine:

what’s going on within the divine masculine collective | divine masculine update | June 30, 2023

what would your divine masculine be like as a father

divine feminine/divine masculine update & twin flame update : 8-23-23

Divine masculine & Divine feminine update / twin flame update 🖤 : 8/30/23

what permanent union w/ your divine feminine would be like: divine masculine reading

***

spirit baby readings:

spirit baby reading 🧸

spirit baby reading🍼

***

disclaimer: any readings that I do can be switched around to resonate with any sex/gender. I’m just a woman and most of the imagery I’m attracted to is feminine in nature and I have a large feminine following and community so often times I feel their energy strongest when I’m channeling for the collective but if you’re a masculine energy that doesn’t mean there isn’t a message for you in a reading of mine!

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚ spirituality/self-care/healing:

"Physical Pain In The Body And Their Spiritual Meanings"

“Differentiating between steady boundaries and self -sabotaging as a trauma response: how to identify & what to do”

“Understanding the difference between “niceness” & kindness”

My opinion on organized religion

"Manifesting with conviction & intention: What is it and how to do it"

"How to fix a broken sleep schedule: relaxation tips & creating an ideal bed routine"

“Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment."

people pleasers

"men who refuse to grow up will find women who suit their lifestyles"

"Normal people have trauma"

"Nobody is responsible for your triggers and you aren’t responsible for any of anyone else’s"

"Grew up hearing that I was way too picky or that I wasn’t going to get everything that I wanted"

"my anxious attatchment style & mother wound"

"manifestation & energetic frequencies: what people want most in life"

"The dark night of the soul"

“How to navigate the dark night of the soul”

"A fear of being seen"

“wounded feminine energy vs wounded masculine energy”

“healing attachment styles”

advice for growing teenagers and young adults

***

parenting:

"you don't teach your children not to hit people by hitting them"

"gen z not taking sh*t from anybody"

gen x and millennial parents need to get help

***

affirmations:

Self assurance and inner alignment affirmations

Self love & self worth affirmations

divine feminine & divine masculine affirmations: Aug 21, 2023

***

dating/relationships:

"Marriage doesn’t just have to do with love/Women get nothing for marrying for free" : hypergamy

"Loving someone how they want to be loved vs. Loving them the way you want to love them"

“Differentiating between steady boundaries and self -sabotaging as a trauma response: how to identify & what to do”

“Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment."

people pleasers

"love isn’t enough to make a relationship work"

"Rules for Navigating Men That Aren’t The One" (this is a really old post,but it falls under the category)

“What it means to love unconditionally & accept people for who they are”

“Healing attachment styles”

“When people say “please stop saying choose better or stop telling us to choose better because you know men pretend to be someone completely different in the beginning and then change.””

***

divine feminine/divine masculine:

"Broken femininity is generational trauma"

"cancer moon placements & the mother"

"Marriage doesn’t just have to do with love/Women get nothing for marrying for free" : hypergamy

"divine feminine in a twin flame connection: the best thing you can do for your divine masculine is keep loving yourself more"

divine feminine & divine masculine affirmations: Aug 21, 2023

“divine feminine & learning to transmute energy: introduction”

“Whatever you give a woman she will multiply it & give it back”

wounded feminine energy vs wounded masculine energy

““A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek him just find her."”

twin flames, soul mates, & karmics:

"divine feminine in a twin flame connection: the best thing you can do for your divine masculine is keep loving yourself more"

"separation & no contact in high level soul connections"

"is it possible to have increase of sexual energy before meeting your twin flame?"

"some twin flame connections could be toxic and can be hard to deal with, is this true?"

***

I believe that’s it guys, well not all of it ofc there are post I left out that were just little thoughts and think pieces I had that weren’t really all that relevant but most of anything important or sought after is right here. I’d like to say, that some of posts are really old and my format and theme was completely different so when and if you click on them and they look extremely foreign or aren’t well executed that’s why, I’ve been running this blog since 2020/2021, thank you. 💋

***

My social media platforms:

Instagram:

Main: @cooki3face_

tarot acc: @cookiefacetarot

Tiktok:

@cooki3face

***

about me post ❤️

Last updated: Friday, February 9, 2025 @ 2:35 pm

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sereia1313 · 3 months

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Guilty Pleasure/Cringe PSA

Why did this ever become a thing? Why were we ever made to feel guilty about something we enjoy? And why has it evolved to the point when doing so makes people cringe?

The concept is so stupid.

Even within the world of fandom, where people are supposed to be more accepting, insults are thrown, and fights break out because we don’t like things the same way. Or we happen to like two different characters.

It’s garbage.

Life is too short to waste time worrying about the opinions of others when it comes to things that make us happy. We should be able to revel in the bliss of a hobby, or the melody of a song, or the repetitiveness of a trope as we read about the same pair falling in love again and again because it helps us escape the horror that is reality.

Listen to the song. Crochet the stuffy. Buy the figurine. Wear the cosplay. Write the fic. Draw the art.

Be proud of what makes you happy, and stop questioning the bliss of others, even when you don’t understand it or it’s different from yours. Everyone finds something different at the end of the rainbow, and it is not up to you to judge their choice, tear them down, or make them question why they like it in the first place. People should not have to hide behind pretense and popular opinion to fit in.

Acceptance is something that you have to learn, something you have to practice. You may even have to teach it now and then. It’s hard, but you will be a better human for it. Building people up has long-lasting effects, and it’s incredible what making someone smile will do to your day.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. And never let anyone dull your sparkle.

#sereia1313 #guilty pleasure #cringe #positivity #spread the happy #psa #never let anyone dull your sparkle #support creativity #support each other #support authors #support artists #one more time for the people in the back #stop this trend #let people be happy #sereia1313: my posts

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tojisun · 1 year

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‘til you found me

jake sully x metkayina!reader

!! follows atwow but also not canon-compliant; reader’s origins are not mentioned; fluff; jake calls reader baby girl 😔🤞🏼(i was projecting too hard); 1.7k words

: i watched atwow four times now oh my god im losing my mind bros, this is genuinely just to project my yearning – just jake taking reader for a ride on his ikran; the fic is not as polished but god it means sm to me so i hope you guys would love it too <33; psa - im still new to the lore n fandom so if i butchered the canonverse, pls do forgive me babes; title from lost at sea - lana

jake’sully tilts his head to the side, his lips tugging up in a smirk. your eyes flash to his fangs for a quick second, their perfect sharpness making your lungs constrict to the point that your lips almost parted to let out a gasp.

you look away just as fast, finding his hazel eyes again but jake’sully’s smirk has grown.

he has seen the way you looked at him.

“so? what’d you say i take you f’r a ride, baby girl?” he finally asks, his voice a rich baritone. his na’vi is still accented with his earthen dialect and there are times that your ears strain to try to understand what he is saying but right now, you know you would not like anything else.

“i’m not a babe,” you murmur, your tail whipping in agitation, reflecting the turbulence in your heart.

you know you sound petulant – just like a babe, you think to yourself – but there is a part of you that wants to prove to jake’sully that even without warrior’s blood coursing through your veins, there is still more to you than an inkling similarity to that of an unknowing infant. after all, eywa smiles upon you too.

jake’sully’s eyes crease, his smirk tilting a little and you see flash of apprehension in his eyes – hazel like the roots of marui – before he huffs, a sound that is quiet but fond.

“‘s not what i meant, kid,” he replies, his hands reaching to tangle with yours. you blink at the touch, watching the earthen fingers weaving with yours, still unused to the difference but not bothered by it at the same time.

“i just,” he continues when you do not reply. his voice strains like he is nervous, and you almost smile at the idea that the toruk makto is nervous because of you. “y’r just precious to me, ‘s all.”

you sniff, trying to quash the burning of your cheeks, afraid that he would see the flush racing from the tips of your ears to the centre of your nose. you turn away from him, looking at his ikran.

it is bigger than an ilu, the only ride you can mount, and it looks even more daunting than a tsurak. perhaps it is because a tsurak is still of the waters but an ikran is something so foreign; it is a beast that governs the sky – a prey and, occasionally, an ally of the toruk. there is no reason for a metkayina weaver to mount such creature.

yet here jake’sully is, coaxing you on its back.

perhaps all the breathing exercises have finally got to him.

he laughs when you murmur this to him, his head falling back as explosive laughter booms from his lips. his beautiful lips.

“precious one, indeed.” his eyes are crinkling in delight again and you have truly never seen anything as breathtaking.

there is so much of the forest in jake’sully. it is not only his arms or his tail that portray this, but it is the way he walks: the sureness in his stride like there is no other purpose for his feet other than walking. moving.

it is in the way he hunts: how he is poised on a higher ground, even when mounting his tsurak, listening to his surroundings, before going for the kill. he does not use nets, just his spear or his dagger, and yet he always seemed to claim the biggest fish in the reef.

it is in the way he talks: his words clipped and short, barked out orders that would have been insignificant when in water. he talks like he is afraid that his voice would be lost amidst the chirps of the birds or the rustles of the leaves instead of resonating amongst the people.

it is in the way he uses his hands: closed palms instead of flatly opened, the way it normally is in your clan. all he has known is how to grab and how to yank, but he is learning how to wade. and he is so good at it.

jake’sully is alien even without his demon blood. and yet you cannot help but gravitate towards him, always responding to his call with your own, letting yourself be part of his family.

(“she would have fought you,” jake’sully whispered one evening, his bigger body submerged in the waters, his head resting between your thighs as you worked on his hair and braided them into neat strands.

i know, you wanted to say. she would’ve won the fight before i could even move.

i know, you wanted to say. and maybe then you wouldn’t look at me.

there are so much you wanted to say but you remained silent, letting the gliding waters fill the silence between you, your trembling fingers working slowly to finish the braids.)

“i think i would like to ride him, if that is okay with you, jake’sully?” you tell him, tugging at his hand as you spoke.

“just ‘jake’, baby girl,” he replies as he smiles again. “and of course. i promise you: y’would love the sky.”

you nod, not knowing what is the right thing to say as you mull over his name, earthen by origin but something that is so fitting for the forest warrior.

jake lets go of your hand to pull at his braid and make tsaheylu with his ikran. you watch from your peripheral, making sure that you would not look at the ikran’s eyes. your ears flick as it makes clicking sounds in response to their formed connection before you hear jake replying to it with soft whispers, his voice curling into something that is gentle.

you smile to yourself, feeling warmth exploding in your belly at hearing this side of jake. you are sure that there are only few of your clan’s people who know of jake’s gentleness – they are still too used to only seeing him as his history. the man that he was in the past.

but you understand why.

he may not be olo'eyktan in awa'atlu with the metkayina, but that is not something that just goes away because of formalities. jake commandeers respect even amongst your people, his words and his actions garner awe and produce inspiration.

he is also good to the eyes.

you remember the women in your clan giggling to themselves, envisioning how it’d be like to be with the toruk makto, and fanning themselves when the topic became too sensual. too physical. their voices always petered out into wistful sighs, unable to contain their desires even when jake had been dubbed demon-blood by the tsahik.

it is not like you can fault them, not when you had been one of the many admirers of jake. you just didn’t expect the toruk makto, the former olo'eyktan of omotikaya and the warrior that led the clans to victory against the sky people, to give you his attention.

“come, baby girl,” jake says, yipping to catch your attention. you blink your eyes at him, turning, before you startle at seeing his ikran looking at you, its head tilted to the side – a perfect mirror of jake’s mannerism. “ride with me.”

he offers you his hand and you have barely twined your fingers with his before he is pulling you up, your body going weightless at the sheer strength of toruk makto’s.

you squeak, startling, and jake laughs at your reaction. even his ikran clicks in a tone that resembles laughter and you feel so embarrassed as you press your face onto jake’s back. his skin meets your soft cheeks and the contact has your breath hitching.

jake has always been tactile with you but there is something new today. perhaps it is the whistling winds or the weight of his hand on your thighs, keeping you from slipping off the ikran from where you are sat behind him. whatever it was, you are sure you heard jake’s stuttered breath.

it seems like you aren’t the only one overthinking everything or who is hyperaware of the contact. you smile, knowng that jake can feel your upturned lips from where they are pressed flush on his skin.

jake murmurs something too faint for you to hear before he clicks and the ikran soars.

oh great mother, you think as the wind whirls past you, your braids pushing away from your body as the ikran flies. jake laughs, so joyful that you feel your stomach twisting, coaxing you to stop shrieking and to look up from where you are still pressed on his back.

you want to snap at him and tell him to shut up but you know he is only being nice, after all, jake just wants to show you how the world looks from the sky. so you control your breathing, calming your heart, before you pull away from jake’s body and tilted your head down.

oh how beautiful it is.

the waters stretch further than you expected, their colours changing to signify their depth. you notice the way the lush corals of the reef and the scattering in the thin forest of the island is shining, their lights flickering and dancing with life.

you are so overwhelmed by what you are seeing that you don’t even know you are crying, a sob creeping past your lips. jake startles, not having expected a visceral reaction from you, and you feel him change course, surely finding a place to land his ikran.

this tenderness of his brings more tears to spill from your eyes, your heart weighing in your chest so heavily that you are sure you will explode with it. you push your face on jake’s back again, your arms tightening around his waist, before you press a kiss on his skin.

“i see you, jake,” you say, unsure if your voice would carry to him even amidst the whipping wind.

you feel jake’s hand tighten around your thigh and that is all the confirmation you need.

then, “i see you, baby girl.”

@whats-belay, thank you for letting me use u as a soundboard throughout the four times ive watched atwow! hope you would love this, especially since it’s more coherent than my keyboard smash

#suns.f #jake sully x reader #jake sully x na'vi reader #jake sully x you #jake sully x y/n #jake sully fluff #jake sully fic #jake sully #avatar the way of water #atwow x you #suns #ONE FIC DOWN THE SEVEN OTHER FIC IDEAS TO GO #im so enamoured by this movie i need it injected in my bloodstream

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communistkenobi · 7 months

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Hi, you tend to have well-thought-out political opinions (I don't always agree with you, but your reading liveblog were the kick in the ass to make me read Orientalism, and you have managed to change my mind more than once), maybe might have a better answer here than me.

Is there an ideological reason that American (b/c it typically is, god help me) left-of-center types love electoralism so much online (and offline too, tbh. College continues to deal new and fun kinds of psychic damage), but only in the context of the general national elections? I so often receive various extensive breakdowns of reasons that I MUST vote for Biden in 2024, but less about the benefits of, like, getting really invested in my city council elections or the school board.

We have so many freaking elections for goddamn everything because the US/Canada are fuck-off huge that it's super easy to argue for the importance of participating in electoralism and instead I (especially recently) see so many people picking the worst hill to die on, that I really struggle to. Well. Understand why.

I’ll speak mostly to Canada since that’s where most of my formal knowledge comes from and also because I live here lol. Also a lot of what I’m talking about is coming from books I’ve read - Still Renovating by Greg Suttor for example is a pretty in depth history of social policy (primarily housing) in Canada, it’s very dry but is useful for this conversation. This is off the dome and not meant as a PSA or anything, it’s my own perspective, if people want sources for what I’m discussing I can go dig those up, but I’m just putting this disclaimer at the top in case this post leaves my circle.

To answer your question, my instinct is that it’s because north american democracy is increasingly necrotic and disconnected from the general public (with the usual list of caveats about how much liberal capitalist democracies have ever been “for the people”). Reading up on social policy in Canada directly post-WWII is pretty bleak when comparing it to today - social housing used to be a robust part of the housing market, people were paid far better and had far more economic security, our healthcare was freshly socialised and invigorated, the promises of the Keynesian welfare state were generally being met (for a predominantly white middle class electorate, of course), and so on. Even conservatives were basically on board with these things in the 60s, at least in Canada, although that obviously did not last long. And over the decades we have become entrenched in neoliberal cutbacks, the gutting of public institutions, the sale of public space and utilities, the downloading of responsibility for social welfare onto provincial and then municipal governments who have smaller budgets and more limited institutional power, the massive expansion in public-private partnerships, the militarisation of the police - these things really kicked off in the 80s/90s in Canada and have showed little signs of stopping or even really slowing down since (something that also obviously happened in the US). People make the joke that if libraries were suggested as a policy goal today it would be called a communist plot, but it’s true - all of the shit the government offered us forty years ago is unthinkable to even suggest now. Life in general has gotten more difficult as private wealth and deregulation has taken a progressively stronger hold on domestic affairs. This happened slowly over the course of decades, and as political horizons shrunk in terms of what you could expect/demand of your government, there was a real air of this being inevitable, not a result of conscious political decisions but just some organic outcome that no one had control over (“the invisible hand of the market”). Democratic civic responsibility demands we vote as citizens of our country, but for all the reasons outlined above plus a bunch of others I’m sure I’m forgetting, the liberal conception of democratic participation shrunk to the ballot box alone.

And while we all joke about everyone having the historical memory of a goldfish, I think the pandemic made this a deeply dissonant position to hold onto - we saw the government seemingly awake from a long slumber to exercise its might. It placed eviction bans on landlords, enforced mass quarantines and social distancing measures, provided economic relief to people who lost their jobs, stationed itself inside every building and public space to enforce mask mandates, rolled-out universal vaccination programs that were mandatory if you wanted to keep your job - we saw the government flex its power in labour, in housing, in healthcare, in civic life, and at the border in a way previously unheard of, particularly for people who were not alive to experience the welfare state of the 50s and 60s and even 70s. The state revealed itself as the life-structuring force it always had been before receding again, telling everyone to go back to normal as if nothing had happened, as if millions of people had not died in a global plague, as if it had not just demonstrated to everyone in the country that the state can at the drop of a hat order your landlord to stop evicting you and your boss to give you paid time off. This of course didn’t really happen in the US, or at least not nearly to this degree, which resulted in the deaths of over a million people.

So now when politicians perform this same incapacity to do anything, when they trot out hyper-specific policies that might benefit a couple thousand people at most, when they make stupid non-promises and shrink away from even mild forms of social democracy (eg Sanders-style campaign promises), I don’t know how much people buy it. I’m not particularly optimistic about the pandemic radicalising large amounts of people, but I think even if it doesn’t, we saw what happened! And we’ve all seen a million fucking articles about how people don’t want to go to work anymore, about labour shortages, we’ve seen essentially every sector of labour go on some kind of strike in the past two or three years - there is popular organised political participation happening far away from the ballot box, and is only growing in power by the day. Socialism is now a word that exists in the national consciousness, something that was unthinkable even a decade ago. Currently right now we are seeing an international conversation about (and global popular support for) indigenous sovereignty, we are seeing a full-throated articulation of what a LandBack policy would look like, and this comes on the heels of the national Canadian conversation of residential schools and missing and murdered indigenous women. Decolonisation is now a household term. In the case of the US, we are seeing people make the very obvious point that America can conjure billions of dollars to bomb hospitals and civilians, but any social policy to help its own citizens is too expensive, pie in the sky fantasy nonsense.

And by the same token, there is organised right-wing and fascist violence happening in the streets, massive increases in hate crimes, insane political stunts and demonstrations like the Freedom Convoy and 1 Million March 4 Children (inspired by the Capitol Hill storming in the US), Qanon plots to kidnap and execute elected officials - things that right wing parties are actively encouraging, particularly the PPC and CPC. More and more we see that electoral politics is the domain of the far-right, whose culture war issues have the best chance of being realised through the sacred portal of the ballot box. Democrats can’t even offer people legalised abortion now!

I think this is why liberals are in a state of hysteria. A healthy liberal democracy does not require constant, unrelenting reminders to “vote your ass off.” Liberals are very much aware, even unconsciously, that voting does less and less of what they want every single day - you see this openly admitted to by American liberals, who are now doing Hitler % meter calculations about which fascist to vote for come the next federal election. Voting itself is what matters, even as they openly, frantically admit it will do nothing but slightly delay the inevitable.

So to like directly answer your question: I think it has less to do with federal elections as a specific political strategy and more just an expression of anxiety about the fact that voting does not do what you want it to do, or what it once did - perhaps encouraging larger questions if voting does anything at all. If national federal elections don’t do anything, if you voting for the most powerful position on the planet doesn’t really change very much regardless of who’s in power, what is the point of voting at all? So I don’t think they are articulating an actual political strategy or way of doing politics, because by their own admission it’s not going to do much of anything (while at the same time being an existential crisis). I’m in a similar boat to you, I vote in smaller elections where I feel they will do some measure of good (in part because municipalities are responsible for so much more of civic life than they were a few decades ago), I have engaged with the Ontario NDP for several years (although that has come to an end now because of their position on Palestine). Electoralism is a compromise, it is an avenue for potential good, but not always, or even most of the time.

Thankfully there are other avenues for politics - labour organising, protesting, mutual aid support networks, getting involved with community work, even something like local neighbourhood councils. Those are places of political potential, and a single person’s presence in them can make a legitimate noticeable difference (speaking from several years of heavy involvement in community orgs). I have never really felt like I was making a change while voting, but I have felt that way helping community members not get evicted, or offering them free daycare a few times a week, or running programs from lgbtq kids who don’t want to go home after school. Those things legit save peoples’ lives, a lot of them are low stakes relative to their benefit, and they help stave off the alienation and loneliness I know everyone feels. Obviously you run into the same structural problems you would everywhere else, it’s not a paradise by any stretch of the imagination, but they are so many avenues outside of voting that do actually help people around you.

And I think if liberals admit that these actions are more powerful, more effective than voting, they are admitting to themselves that their core beliefs are wrong, that the communists and anarchists are correct and have been correct long before their dumbass was born. They can no longer point to any institution that gives a fuck about them as a defense against left-wing critiques of liberal electoralism. I think that is part of what animates their hysteria, their temper tantrums, their screaming about the only thing to do is do nothing at all. It is a full-throated defense of self-defeat. They are wailing as everything they believe in dies. I’d be pretty upset too if that were me! Luckily I grew out of that when I was like 19

#asks #and thank u!!! super happy you’re reading orientalism it rules

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windydrawallday · 3 months

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Long-PSA-short of sorts that's more a vent: I was always aware my behavior and way of expressing myself online can surprise many people, especially if they are not used to someone who uses the writing medium as a playful form to tell emotions in a very descriptive way as I do. I'm quite affectionate with words, yes. And I always beg people I hang with personally to let me know if some of that bothers them, curtly of course. So far there have been few instances of individuals confusing those signals with ulterior means, things I assure you there's nothing more than me being friendly and supportive.

Imagine idk an excited dog seeing its owner haha

Until the past week, I found myself being tackled by something that made me almost knock everything aside because it made me realize that probably I'm a walking trigger/squick inducer with even the way I wield words like "love" and "friendship".

Almost...

I'm pretty tolerant of whatever way people conduct themselves in this life, the only moment I flinch is when an individual assumes from my default behavior and presentation that I want to impose my way of life... And nopes.

This is simply how and who I am. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't search for conflict but for understanding. My language for expressing marvel and reflections is like this, never to make the other feel awkward or attacked.

So, it upset me knowing that by wielding this forever welcoming and lovable disposition, I can be something to fear and even despite... to some people.

But, you know? That means that my "love" and "friendship" lifestyle are not made for you, no reason to come back to me and point at it. Just keep walking if you have only rage and rejection to give as a reply to my point of view. Because by wielding rage and rejection, what you only do is burn bridges. To create conflict and assume imaginary antagonistic scenarios where there's nothing of that at all.

You can't create the world you wish to live in by burning bridges.

It took me a lot too to forge who I am right now. I even keep learning and chiseling through traumas and mistakes—kindness and patience taught me more than rage and rejection. And "love" and "friendship" are the bricks I chose to build those bridges. I know everyone else uses different concepts but in the end, we all build bridges. By creating bridges and inviting others to do the same, I expand not only my world, but the other's too!

Isn't that better than demanding to be this or that through a black/white flag of rage and rejection? I think so. And I understand perfectly we sometimes need to be blunt when marking our boundaries. Still, never justifies treating the other bad.

And if some of you find "fake" or distasteful the way I wear this flag of "love" and "friendship" I'm sorry: this place will never be safe for you then. The exit door is always open. Go ahead.

I hope you find your place and flags out there too, but don't forget that to do that you need to build bridges. If you don't want to call it "friendship" call it "glue" or whatever makes you comfortable, but don't kick people like me who fought with claws and teeth to reclaim those words and feelings.

Fight your fight by being a good example, not a bad experience that makes someone never want to deal with something like this again in their life.

"Any color you like, (in the end) they're all blue."

#windy squeals #im so sorry if i end upsetting someone with my point of view #with my expressive way to use words #or my overly dramatic behavior #its all real i swear these are all real #and you dont need to give me back the same level of energy #just be clear af and say what you need because i dont read minds #im tired of being seeing as a clown or be infantilized because of this #or feared like im a sort of vampire that sucks emotions because NO #or that im intolerant to people that dont follow those -normatives because believe me #im too very asocial to certain cues but intead of raging about them #i try to create new rules that fit better my way to navigate life #the only way to achieve what we want is by stating it gently #not setting on fire posibilities to create new connections and points of view #but i guess there will be always be people that prefer to live in a bubble and expect the whole diverse world to mold to them #and i say that as an aroace that used to be intolerant of the normatives that push my boundaries to the edge #but eh sometimes youll fight but most of the times youll need to dodge and learn to avoid bullets #listen if i sound ableist with this whatever i am then #im not perfect #gotta keep reading and relearning and updating my brain ugh

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biggestsimponhere · 1 year

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FANFIC WRITERS APPRECIATION POST 😗🫶🏻

Hello it is me back to make another appreciation post for our writers on this app because they don’t get enough love. I HAVE DECIDED IM DOING THIS EVERY MONTH BECAUSE OUR WRITERS ARENT RECOGNIZED ENOUGH. (Hopefully this will spark some of you to make a post like this too). Same as before this will have what i read from them but many of them do make other amazingly good content so be sure to check that out. Also some writers may also be on the other posts (Theres two of them) (probably everyone from that post will be here again)

Hi guys it’s me again to come on here and be a huge sap about how much i love you all and how much you do for me and other people. It’s amazing that you all write so beautifully and amazingly honestly i’ve stayed up for hours before just reading all of your work. It’s amazing to see people who view characters the same way you do and to be able to bring them to life through their work. I love it when you all include your little head-cannons in your work because then i come out of the fanfic being like “yes i see that too” , “omg they would totally do that” It honestly amazes me the way you all write it makes me so fucking happy. My life hasn’t always been good but when it isn’t i know i can turn to your work to make me feel better. Most of us write for fun because it’s honestly amazing to put out fanfics for us and you all and it means so much when you show your support by commenting or re-blogging or doing both just so we all know you like our work!!! I LOVE YOU ALL SO SO MUCH KEEP DOING YOU!!! THANK YOU FOR FEEDING US OUR FANFICS!!! (Did i sneak myself in this post… yes, yes i did because i write for almost all of these characters if not all of them soon)

PSA - If you would like me not to include you in these anymore please let me know cause i would understand if you don’t like being tagged in a post every month

Steve harrington- @luveline @justmeinadaze @forever-rogue @upsidedownwithsteve @erin-bo-berin

Steddie x reader - @imjuststeddietrashatthispoint @justmeinadaze

Robin Buckley x reader - @biggestsimponhere @ashwhowrites @robinsno1lesbian

Nancy wheeler x reader - @biggestsimponhere @robinsno1lesbian @ronancelver

Jonathan byers x reader - @biggestsimponhere

Eddie munson x reader - @collectivecloseness

Steve murphy- @ionlyjoinedforboydholbrook @wardenparker @holbrook-boyd

Javier peña - @ithebookhoarder @wardenparker @lokischocolatefountain

Joel miller - @bubbles-for-all-of-us @avenging-fandoms @finnsbubblegum @knivesareout @thyme-in-a-bubble @soulofapatrick

Tommy miller x reader - @soulofapatrick

Din djarin x reader - @beskarandblasters @jb2856 @sunflowersteves @pagesfromthevoid @saradika

Poe Dameron x reader - @dailyreverie @eyelessfaces @chloe-skywalker

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rainstormcolors · 3 months

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hi! im curious how u feel about. Kaiba's ending in dsod as a devout kaiba fan

bc quite a few ppl ik *arent* rlly big on it for reasons that include but arent limited to "it ruins the message of letting the dead go and moving on like Yugi did" and etc which i dont agree with for sm reasons but im curious abt ur thoughts on the matter too 😭

Hello.

I’ve talked about DSoD and DSoD’s ending quite a bit over the years. I've come to understand the ending of DSoD to be layered on several levels, and it actually tackles several themes in the original work from different angles at the same time, and I think trying to force the ending into one neat "this is what definitely happened" box stifles that complexity. It’s deliberately open to interpretation. I also want to make room for fans who do not like DSoD. We have our preferences and individual concepts we value from canon, and carry personal experiences we relate to canon in different ways. Please understand to those reading this that it’s alright to omit this film from your internal design of canon.

I can talk some about my own relationship and journey with DSoD. I’ve loved Yu-Gi-Oh! for a long time. I watched the show as it aired and read the manga as it was released within the United States. One of my parents died when I was young. At the time I felt very disconnected from both that event and from the other people in my household. We never talked about our feelings and I was always vastly terrible at interpreting my own emotions and behaviors. The further catch here is we were seeing a grief therapist some, and I’d been in and out of therapy for a while before that as well. I just could not parse out any feelings at all and I didn’t know how to talk to other people about things. I was disconnected from it all. We flash forward to the release of DSoD. And to my surprise, something I didn’t expect from myself, I was talking to people. I was talking about what grief looked like even if a person wasn’t labeling it. I was talking about how sometimes we can’t name what we’re feeling. What I saw in DSoD were people grieving and I understood this. And I was communicating my ideas and emotions that had been so foggy up until then. I suppose this is the strange power of an autistic interest paired with personal experience – and I was actually trying to talk about feelings and trying to bond with other people.

And I was truly pondering on and reflecting -- not on a subconscious level but on a fully conscious one now -- on the loneliness and struggles the other people in my household had felt back then too. There had been a suicide attempt at a certain point which was something I had refused to let myself think about but I was now thinking about that too.

I like stories about the experience of grief over stories that are PSAs about grief. It was going to take a grief story with teeth and bite to awaken this piece of me, not a cutesy PSA on grieving. For me, it can feel like fandom at times has this idea that everyone has it in them to just talk about their feelings and reach out and that everyone has that, and that is just not true at all. (What a further surprise to me to discover later on why I was also drawn to elements of Death-T back then, back while I still felt so disconnected from “the experience of death.”)

I’m especially drawn to and touched by Seto’s narrative, but I think Yugi’s own story in DSoD harbors this as well. As I read this line, “it ruins the message of letting the dead go and moving on like Yugi did,” I think of how I feel the story was also about Yugi accepting that it’s okay for him to draw from the strength Atem gave to him and to feel inspired by Atem even though Atem is “gone” and that this is the meaning of why Atem joined Yugi in battle in that grand final showdown in DSoD.

As I said, there is the potential of multiple layered interpretations inside the film’s ending. There’s the theme of the power of friendship and love being able to break through the universe, that friendship can be so meaningful the barriers surrounding us can’t stop those feelings. It is love as a powerful force and Seto -- who had rejected others and feelings for so long, who has felt so disconnected from everything but those brief burning moments of winning -- has embraced love and what Atem meant to him. There is the hyperfictionalized portrayal of grief and its forms like emotions as art, and how grief stays with us but evolves and matures: Death-T as angry scarred grief and the negative impacts of the departed “villain” on the living “villain”, the Ceremonial Duel as the acceptance of grief and the positive impacts left by the departed “hero” on the living “hero”, and DSoD as finally seeing and understanding the departed one as just a person just as you are a person. And grief is a permanent marker on us. It doesn’t really go away. There’s the metaphorical portrayal of closure for the survivor finally being able to say goodbye to the one they love, to see that person outside of their grief for who they are and it’s painted in an artful and literal way, and it gives Seto the tools to move forward in life carrying Atem inside his heart. And there’s the wonder of science fiction as technology and humanity and the soul are fused. Our voices and images travel across the world through technology in our reality – could it travel even further? What are human beings capable of? And it’s about Atem still possibly being savable from this place, that death wasn’t his answer because people care about him. Someone wanted to see him this badly. There is no duel, no words we see exchanged, because this gesture already says everything. Seto being here to see Atem says everything.

It’s also a possible commentary on how scars don’t go away and sometimes we can’t save someone. Sometimes someone isn’t able to break free of their ghosts and it’s possible to wish peace for that person or to be left scarred by them or both at the same time. People can be warped by their trauma and not overcome it because it’s a hard hard road to walk. To only harbor any sympathy for the survivors who are healthy, cute, and palatable belies a very conditional idea of compassion. This isn’t to say the harm isn’t real or that people don’t need to be accountable for their actions, but they are human beings who have struggled and struggled. The wounds of trauma are not shallow and healing can be hard. Seto is only 18-years-old in DSoD.

Death and love are weaved throughout Seto’s entire story in canon.

While I understand what people mean as they say “Seto needs to face the consequences of his actions and should have a strain with Mokuba," when it’s employed as a critique of the movie, I also feel very strange and think, "That's just the way grief is. Or rather how it can be and how it is for a number of people.” As I said, my own family was horrible about any talking about our feelings in the wake of grief and then that suicide attempt. There was no PSA-type talk between us. For me, the mess of DSoD comes across as real even if it’s an exaggerated presentation.

I’ve also had very dark periods in my life, terrified of having no one understand me ever again, and this also grounds me into how Seto’s head and heart may have been working. I didn’t know how to talk to people about emotions, including my family even though I loved them, and everything felt dark and like I was endlessly sinking.

And I had a moment of truly understanding how profoundly alone my father must have felt when my mother died, as my father was just as friendless as I was and didn’t have outside family to help at all.

I had felt I was incapable of connecting with other people and I felt I saw that trait within Seto, and so watching canon tell me “the bond between Seto and Atem is real, it meant something” was very very moving for me. Even if you don’t know how to talk, you can find connection through what you do understand.

I do think it’s quite understandable for people to feel put off by DSoD and its ending. I think it’s quite fair that people root for Seto and Mokuba together and that they’ve hoped for a journey of healing. People become upset on Mokuba’s behalf. I personally connect with the messiness of grief and Seto’s conflicted heart and the artful and challenging portrayal of a person spilling over in grief. I do personally hold interpretations of Seto returning, so my answer here is also shaded by that. Even on Mokuba’s side, I’ve sort of been there and it allowed me to talk about that experience which isn’t an experience many people talk about. It’s very hush-hush in our day-to-day lives and it’s not easy to talk about.

Does DSoD reward Seto’s self-destructive behavior too much? I would say I’m not here for moral lessons and life is full of so many contradictions, so many tangled complicated layered emotions. It’s fair to hold this as a personal gripe with DSoD, but given the amount of audience backlash and discussion over this ending I don’t personally feel it’s actually a fully rewarding message. It’s more layered and thematic than that to me.

For a film for a big money-making mainstream shonen franchise, DSoD is unusually arty.

Again, people have their own experiences and people need different things from art. Someone else will carry a different relationship to DSoD, and someone else may need different things to come to terms with grief.

Thank you for the ask. I hope this answer wasn’t too wordy. I think it’s good to form your own opinions too. Thank you for reading my rambling.

#the darkside of dimensions

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mindlesswicker · 2 years

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⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ Hi there! My name's Wicker~! ♡ Cis Femme (She/Her) | 27 | Sub Leaning Switch ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ I'm the doll you all love to share. ♡ We all know I can't be owned. I seek not to be your lover but instead, your friend! ♡ I made this blog for fantasy and fun. ♡ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ This is an 18+ blog with an emphasis on hypnosis and hypnokink, w/ light girl loving girl, cnc, and drugging kink mentions. Sometimes, I even share cute things, too!

⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ Minors DNI | TERFs DNI | Detransitioners DNI We also do not allow sissification, heavy actual sexist degrading kinksters, anti-trans/ace/homo blogs, or people who actually believe women are biologically inferior. Get the fuck out of here with that. Acephobes will be hunted for sport. ♡ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ TAG LIST!! These are the tags I try to use on my blog. While I do not tag EVERYTHING, I try to tag as much of this content as I can. I have included these below for searching: #nsft - Self explanatory. #induction - A script, audio or visual, for your enjoyment. #hypnoart - A place to find artwork containing hypnosis themes. #wickerspeaks - My personal posts. #spiral - Self explanatory #safetyandconsent - Posts about hypnosis and safety. #psa - Blog updates, notices, etc. ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆ I am grey-ace. It is a big part of my identity. As such, it's important to remind my followers that this blog is purely fantasy. I still love getting to know you! I will never interact off of Tumblr, please stop asking for those details. They are not yours to have. Everything else from below the cut! ♡

I'm a doll who loves to be played with~ ♡ Drop me all day long, fill my mind with spirals, ask me to listen to things, read your posts, worship you while under a spell~ ♡ If you are able to message me, that means I went through your blog and trust you to play with my mind~ ♡ In fact, I want you to. ♡ Nothing makes me feel happier than being entirely yours for a spell~! ♡ ♡ Your gender identity will not impact how I feel about you. ♡ ♡ And by my word we support girls with dicks on this god damn blog. ♡ Femboys, transwomen, enbys, genderfluid, genderqueer? Get in here, we love and support you all. ♡ My Big Yesses: ♡ - Hypnosis with praisin -- praising you, or you praising me, equally okay. ♡ - Being reminded I'm better this way (remind me this is for my own good, that I love doing this, that I always wanted it, etc.) ♡ - Spirals! ♡ - Getting sent cute drabbles~! ♡ - Having conversations are just as good as being dropped spontaneously! I can pull myself out of trance very easily. I have followed blogs that have shown they understand consent so if you are able to message me, you have my permission to spontaneously drop me~♡ My Hard Nos: ♡ - Body fluid talk, including sucking dick. Blood is okay. Don't talk cock around me. I don't mind mentions of wet/moist/blood/drool, all other body functions are a bit of hard line. ♡ - I do not want to be told that I'm worshipping your penis, please, gross, stop. Cock sucking posts are easy to scroll by but take me right out of a scene almost instantly. ♡ - Do not message me about sexual shit right off the bat, I am not a sex doll, thanks! ♡ - Men, I'm sorry, I am pretty gay, I prefer to talk to the ladies and enby folks out there when it comes to being dropped. Part of this has to do with gender expectation, and unintended bias, but please please feel free to message and chat, just know I might be like, another male dom coming into my page? Time to harshly evaluate. This is due to many men not respecting me lately. In general, no one owes anyone communication, just a reminder! Safe practicing out there everyone!

#tagged post #pinned post #about me #wickerspeaks #safetyandcontent #rules #psa #nsft #spiral #hypnokink #hypnotoy #hypnodoll #hypnodomme #induction

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bakubaji · 11 months

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threadfic miya twins character study / sakuatsu 6.7k

miya twins angst, hurt/comfort, loneliness, learning about self worth, skts but mostly a miya twin focus

There’s this thing in most SakuAtsu fics that always gets me, but I never feel like it’s gone into enough, and it’s when there’s a fight/miscommunication between the Miya twins. There’s always some angst and then they get into a fist fight and all is well. But 9 times out of 10 what happens is, it seems like Tsumu is being a whiny brat over something small, he brings it up, they fight, and they settle it like ‘Yep, Tsumu’s just dramatic’, and it always feels like the whole thing boils down to Tsumu being unable to move on, Samu being more mature, and Tsumu ends up kind of being comedic relief for getting so worked up. (Also, half the time, it’s Tsumu being worked up because Samu tells everyone something or whatever, and in the end Suna and Samu are like ‘You’re being a brat lol’ and that’s that). And, without fail, it drives me CRAZY bc it always feels like it never addresses the root issue, so it never feels resolved to me.

PSA: I’m not saying this as like, "These are real people- how dare you ignore their feelings!!" but more like, "You're setting up this character with really valid emotions and reactions, and then failing to carry them through and it falls flat. So, here are my thoughts:

The reason Tsumu gets so worked up when it comes to Samu is because Samu is his Most Important Person. Nothing & no one has ever been, or will ever be, more important to him, and he is fully shameless about it.

It's so obvious, even when they bicker. But Samu, from an outside perspective, but also from people who know him, sees Tsumu as his twin, his brother, but not necessarily his Most Important Person or Thing.

Maybe he was when they were younger, but as they grew up, he sort of moved on. Found other things more important and whatever. This is usually where the issue happens: many fics will see the moving on as part of maturing and "resolve" the issue by implying that the solution is that Atsumu needs to move on, and then Omi comes in, etc., etc., everything's good! But that never seems right to me.

I need Samu to be confronted about the fact that Tsumu has always loved him before anything, has always put him first, and yet he, time after time, doesn't do the same.

He tells Suna about quitting volleyball first, he sees Suna more than he sees Tsumu, he doesn't tell him they're dating. And he and Suna- who's known them for a long, long time, who knows how Tsumu is- will regularly poke fun at Tsumu for being dramatic, whiny, overly sensitive, and it hurts Tsumu to know that the two people he's known the longest- including the one person who's supposed to be his other half, who's supposed to always be by his side and always have his back- never try to understand him.

They never seem to care about him as much as they care about each other. And worse than that, they make him feel like something's wrong with him for caring about them the way he does. Like he's too much, too immature, too clingy, and they tease and mock and belittle, knowing exactly where Atsumu's most vulnerable. Crossing all the lines of ‘too far’ and then, instead of apologizing, they laugh it off and tell him to grow up.

And everyone seems to agree.

Just once, JUST ONCE, I want Atsumu to have enough.

I want him to realize that he doesn't deserve that. That nothing's wrong with the way he loves, and the way he needs love.

I want an Atsumu who realizes he's giving himself up over and over just to be ridiculed.

And sure, Samu checks on him when he's sick, and Suna invites him to drink after they play against each other, and eventually they even ask Tsumu to officiate their wedding so they don't have to fight over him, but that's not what Tsumu wanted.

Tsumu wanted to be Samu's best man, the way they'd always planned since they first found out what marriage was. And if, or when, Tsumu ever got married, he'd ask Samu to be his. But it was supposed to go both ways. And Samu was supposed to call when good things happened too (like Suna asking him on a first date, or the loan for the restaurant being approved), or even bad things, not just out of a sense of obligation to make sure Tsumu was okay. And Suna was supposed to invite Tsumu out whenever he was nearby, the way Tsumu did, not just drop a time and place as their teams lined up to shake hands.

Tsumu is always treated like the Least Important Person, and eventually he has to recognize it's not good, it's not fair or healthy or right, and he owes it to himself to stop, because losing his Most Important Person is less painful than what he has right now (at least he hopes). So he starts treating Samu and Suna the way they treat him.

He answers calls (most of the time) but rarely calls first.

He doesn't send pictures of things that remind him of them anymore.

He doesn't send "I miss you" or "Love you" anymore, because they always laugh and brush him off.

He visits the restaurant if the team is in town, but he stops taking the train over on weekends just to say hi

When something big happens, he goes home alone and puts his head between his knees and breathes, because he ‘won't call Samu.’ He won't. Because Samu wouldn't. And it's hard. God, it's so, so hard, and it hurts more than he'd thought. They'd say he was being dramatic, they'd tell him to grow up, get over it. But the way neither of them even seem to notice makes him realize it was the right thing to do.

It's also hard because now Tsumu struggles a bit (a lot) to let people in. Maybe it's not that deep, maybe it's not that big a deal, but if his twin thought he was too much, didn't even care all that much about him in the end, despite the fact that Tsumu would do anything in the world for him, then who the hell would do otherwise? His twin brother and their oldest friend didn't stick around, so Tsumu doesn't really believe anyone actually will.

He becomes closer with his teammates, slowly: Bokuto loves a lot like him- giving all of himself to everyone he cares for- and even with a boyfriend, he still makes so much time for Atsumu, still meets him where he's at, treats him how Tsumu always wanted someone to. Shoyo and Omi become good friends too, through trial and error. Shouyou is easier: Tsumu knows not to expect the same kind of attentiveness from him- he's kind of flighty and distractible, which isn't bad at all. He's so genuine and good regardless.

Omi takes longer, given their sort of warring personalities, but in the end he sees Atsumu as he is, and never asks him to change. He never asks more (or less) from him. Never makes Tsumu feel like he's wrong. In his own ways, Omi pours himself into their friendship wholeheartedly, and the same way he recognizes Atsumu's ways of showing it, Tsumu sees that Omi is doing the same. For once, Tsumu doesn't feel like his care is unwanted.

But even so, new friends (or maybe more?) can only do so much. It's harder and harder to admit it now that he's proven to himself that he wasn't the one in the wrong, but he misses his brother, misses his oldest friend, and he knows they don't miss him. And it's embarrassing, it's shameful, to know that, despite everything, he would still do anything for them because that's just who he is, who he's always been. No matter what, Samu will still be his Most Important Person, and Tsumu can't do anything about it.

They still see each other, sometimes, and Tsumu breathes in each moment like he's been starved for air. He tries not to let it show, just how much he misses them, how happy he is to see them, even if it's not the same. Hell, they're probably happier to see him now than ever before, mentioning how much he's grown up lately, how much better he's doing now that he's not so dependent on them, on Samu. And it hurts infinitely more to hear, to know that they prefer this censored version of him to the real one. The one who was unashamed of how much he loved them, how much they meant to him.

It takes a while for him to heal from that, actually. His new friends help. Omi helps a lot. Bo helps the most- he's the first person Tsumu ever tells about it all, and he's the only one who he trusts to understand. Even then, there's no one who can really share the feeling. Even Bokuto can only speak about friends, his two sisters much older. It's different from a twin, and he knows that. So, to an extent, he has to go it alone.

That's the worst part. Tsumu always believed that being born a twin meant you were never supposed to be alone, not truly. How could you be born part of a perfect matching set only to end up on your own? It felt wrong, it always had. That was why Samu had always been the world to him. For Tsumu, being Samu's brother was as intrinsically part of him as his hands, his eyes, his legs; there was no way to remove that part of himself, not without far too much pain. So he remained Samu's brother, even if it was only in his heart, buried deep so it couldn't be used against him. It was a secret treasure just for him, one that hurt to hold onto, but would hurt much more to lose.

Everything kind of goes to shit eventually, when after a year or two, Omi proposes after they win the Olympics. It was on international television. It made headlines. The sports channel and gossip rags were talking about the same thing for once.

And then Osamu called.

Tsumu almost didn't answer.

He was so happy and he wanted to share it with Samu, but he wanted to hoard it to himself more. But Omi left him alone with a look that said 'answer it,' so he did.

It was silent on the line when he answered, and Tsumu didn't say anything to break it. It was Samu who spoke first.

"Yer gettin' married?"

It took a moment to respond. Samu's voice took him by surprise, how quiet and shaky it was. "Yeah," he said. "Eventually."

"I didn't know the two of ya were together."

Tsumu could've laughed at the irony of it if it didn't sting to hear.

"Never came up, I guess."

"I- Yeah. Guess not. Not much does, these days, it seems."

Atsumu pressed a hand to his mouth and stared at the door Omi had left through, pushing down the urge to scream or maybe cry. It had been two or so years since he'd left, and Samu had never even noticed the difference until now.

"What happened?" Samu asked, voice shaking that way it did when he refused to cry. "What happened to us, Tsumu?"

Atsumu took a deep breath, letting it out with a sigh. "Samu, if you don't know, it's not gonna matter."

He wasn't trying to be obtuse. He didn't want to guilt Samu into anything. But if Samu couldn't tell that he'd caused this, that he'd always been the one to push that distance further and further... If he couldn't see that much, Tsumu didn't know if he could fix it.

He couldn't do it on his own. He couldn't put himself through that again, not after he'd put this much work in to help himself.

"I don't- I don't know. I don't know why ya wouldn't tell me. I thought we told each other things like this."

Tsumu's laugh was harsh. "Ya can't be serious."

"What’d'ya mean? I'm dead serious, Tsumu."

"After Suna? Ya think ya have any right to say that?"

"What-I- that was different, Tsum. Ya found out eventually, and not because I got proposed to on live television."

"'Cause it was so much better walkin' in on the two of ya fuckin' after ya told me ya couldn't come visit 'cause ya got caught up at work!"

"And I told ya I was sorry! I didn't think ya were gonna come over, ya lived two cities away!"

"And I wanted to see ya!" Atsumu yelled. "I wanted to see my brother, was that so bad?!"

Of course that wouldn't have occurred to Samu, Tsumu thought, because he wouldn't have done the same. Samu only came when Tsumu invited him. At the very least he'd call ahead. He never surprised him. He didn't go out of his way because he wanted to see Tsumu.

"It doesn't matter," Atsumu said, sucking in a deep breath. "I already told ya. Look I- I don't wanna do this. At all. Right now. I just- I just got engaged, Samu. I just won the Olympics. You've had forever to do this, why'd'ya hafta do it now?"

Samu was silent for a long time. "Is it so bad? Did I do somethin' so bad to ya?"

"Samu, please, not- not now."

"Ya can't even tell me? I'm your brother, Tsumu, we can't just-"

"Brothers?” Atsumu laughed. It came out like a sob. "Samu, when was the last time you acted like a brother to me?"

"I- what?"

"Samu, when- God, I don't wanna do this right now. Fuck." He wished he could go back just five minutes and not answer the call. Hold onto Omi instead.

"Do ya even know when I realized ya were tearin' me apart?" Atsumu asked, throwing an arm over his face. "It's been two years now, and ya just now noticed. You and Rin just- the two of ya- ya don't even know how much ya hurt me. Ya didn't even care."

"H-hurt ya? Tsumu, what're ya talkin' about? What's Rin gotta do with this?"

"Look, I don't- I just- do we hafta do this now?"

"Yes we hafta do it now!" Samu spit. "What the hell are you talkin' about?"

"God, I just- fuck, Samu, I couldn't stand it anymore! You know I love ya more than anythin'. Do you know how it was for me? Always 'Tsumu's too much', 'Tsumu's being dramatic', 'Tsumu's too clingy'. I just cared about ya! But it was too much for ya. Both of ya. I thought, for so long, that somethin' was wrong with me. I thought 'even my own brother thinks it's too much, the way I love people'. Do you know how long it took for me to realize it was okay? That there wasn't somethin' wrong with me?

"Everythin' I did, everythin' I am was too much for ya. Too much for Rin. And ya couldn't even just- just pretend, or even tolerate it. Ya made- ya made me feel so bad. All the time. And ya never once- never made me feel like ya gave a shit about me.

"Yer my twin, that- to me, that means everythin', Samu. It means everythin' to me. You mean everythin' to me, and it- it hurts so bad, knowin' ya don't care, knowing I'm not the person you wanna tell things to, the person that ya rely on. God, to you I'm just- what? A burden? Just the person ya ended up stuck with? Did ya ever want me around or was I just there?

"‘Cause I always wanted you around. I wanna tell ya everythin', good or bad, big or small. Yer the one I've always- always relied on. I always told ya everythin'. And ya know what you did? Ya went and told Rin. Anythin' I told ya, secret or not, ya went and told Rin. And when you had somethin' to share, who did ya go to? Rin. Always Rin, never me. "Ya never cared that some things I only wanted you to know. Ya never cared that I wanted to be there to cheer you on or support ya. Ya never- I was never important to ya, not like you are to me. And that's- there's nothin' I can do about that, but I couldn't keep puttin' myself through it. So ya don't get to call after all this time and say I owe ya anythin' because we're 'brothers’. Ya lost that right, Samu."

Tsumu broke off, only vaguely realizing he'd ended up yelling. He was breathing heavy, eyes stinging, throat tight. This wasn't how he'd wanted his night to go. He should've been spending time with Omi, thinking about a ring since Omi had proposed with a medal.

He could hear Samu breathing over the phone, ragged and uneven, hitching with nearly silent sobs.

"D'ya see, Samu?" Atsumu whispered. "It's not- I can't fix this. I spent- I spent so long chasin' you. So long pretendin'. I won't do that to myself again, Samu. It hurt too much."

"I didn't-" Samu sounded broken. "I didn't know. I didn't mean to-"

"I know," Tsumu interrupted. "I know ya didn't, but that doesn't mean anythin' to me. I never wanted ya to treat me one way out of pity or guilt. I wanted it because yer my brother, and if ya- if ya cared about me like how I care about you, it wouldn't... It doesn't matter now.

"Look, Samu... I'm not mad at ya. Not anymore. And I still love ya more than anythin', that'll never change. But I got engaged tonight. I won the Olympics. And I don't wanna hurt right now. I just wanna be happy for a night, Samu. Can I have that much from ya, at least?"

Tsumu waited until Samu choked out a fragile ‘yes’, and then hung up and tossed his phone away. That was not what he'd envisioned for tonight. He felt simultaneously drained and like he might burst at the seams.

It took a while for Omi to come back, but when he did, he found Tsumu with his head between his knees, breathless and shaking as he cried.

Omi didn't ask him about anything, he just wrapped him up in his arms and told him he'd done well, and he was proud of him. It didn't ease the pain, but it helped some.

It helped because, even after everything, it was hard for Tsumu to not feel like he'd overreacted.

In his mind, Samu was talking with Suna right now, complaining about how Tsumu always did this, blew up for no reason just to make a fuss. Even after all this time, Atsumu wondered if he was the one in the wrong, the one making a big deal out of nothing, causing Samu problems again.

But Omi was there, holding him, reminding him with his words and his presence that it wasn't Atsumu's fault. That he hadn't done anything wrong by setting his boundaries, by recognizing what his love was worth.

They didn't celebrate that night, or even the next, but eventually they did, and Atsumu was happy even if he'd always pictured that his brother would be there for a moment like this.

Omi asked at one point when Tsumu would want the wedding, but Atsumu just fell silent and Omi understood. Nothing was going to happen yet. Tsumu has given up enough, but he couldn't... he couldn't give that up too. He may not have been Samu's best man, but he still wanted Samu to be his. and that couldn't happen right now, so he couldn't even begin to think about the rest of it. But Omi understood, and he was patient.

Time passed, as it was wont to do, and Tsumu settled again— or at least he would have, but Samu and Suna were acting... weird. It wasn't really anything obvious at first, especially since neither of them ever brought up the phone call, but...

First was Tsumu's mom, who mentioned on their weekly call that Samu had been bothering her like crazy, asking about their high school days and what she remembered about the three of them. Then Kita texted saying ‘Do you know if Osamu is in therapy? it may be a good idea.’ Which in Kita speak meant ‘Your brother's acting weird as fuck, tell him to leave me alone and bother someone who's paid to put up with him.’ Then Samu texted, saying he was going to be in town for a weekend. He'd be really busy, so he was getting a hotel room so he wouldn't disturb Tsumu with his comings and goings, but he had a potential opportunity to open up a new branch and he had to check things out.

“Could we meet?” he'd asked, and Tsumu stared at his phone for a long time, because they'd never been the kind of people who had to ask about things like that. “‘course,” he'd texted, biting his lip. “Lmk when you have time, we'll go out to eat.”

Then Suna called out of the blue after a game that Tsumu had watched on the TV in the living room. "Rin?" Tsumu answered, turning the volume down even though he liked watching post-game commentary. "Ya okay?"

"Did ya watch the game?" Suna asked, no greeting or anything.

"Yeah, just had it on. T'was good."

"It was ratshit," Suna grunted. "They got through half my blocks no problem, and shut me out more than not." Atsumu blinked at the TV screen, playing highlight reels of the game. The game Suna had just called him out of the blue to talk about.

"Wasn't yer best," he admitted slowly, Suna could be a bit prickly about his abilities when he didn't do well. "But ya knew goin' in yer usual tricks wouldn't be the most effective with them. An ace like that is hard to stop, and he happens to be built like a tank. Ya had a lot of good receives in the back row, kept yer team goin'."

Suna hummed, and Tsumu could hear the weary disappointment. "I guess. I just wanted to do better."

"I know ya did." Because Suna always did. Tsumu wondered if maybe Suna had meant to call Samu instead? "But what's done is done, no use workin' yerself up about it. Practice harder, so they can't shut ya out next time."

"I know. I know, yer right, I'm just..."

"I know. You should have Samu make ya some hirata buns. Ya always liked those when we lost."

Suna was quiet for a moment. "Yers are better than yer brother's," he finally grumbled, and Tsumu's cheeks flushed at the unexpected praise. "But yeah. Thanks, Tsum. I gotta go, coach wants to debrief. Thanks for pickin' up.”

Atsumu stared at his phone for a long time after the call ended.

Weird things like that kept happening. Tsumu came home to Omi unboxing a package of individually wrapped onigiri from Samu's shop that he'd found waiting by the door when he got home. Suna kept sending him pictures of the stray cat that kept showing up behind their apartment. Kita texted again asking ‘How have you been, Atsumu?', which made Atsumu's lip start wobbling and Omi called him a crybaby. Even Bo asked him at practice if something had happened with Samu, because apparently Akaashi had gone in to eat and kept having to text Bo questions because Samu kept hounding him about Tsumu; how he was? Was he doing well in practice? Did he have good friends on the team? Was Omi good to him?

Eventually, Samu was in town, and they met up to eat at a Chinese hot pot place between Tsumu's home and Samu's hotel. It was their first time seeing each other in person since before the phone call, and Tsumu was nervous. He'd thought about inviting Omi with him, but Omi had straight up refused. "Call me if you need me," he'd said, with a voice that said he'd be there in a heartbeat, but he told Atsumu this was something he probably had to do on his own. And Samu hadn't brought Suna, which was rare even when Suna was in season, so Tsumu agreed to return the courtesy. Just them, then. Tsumu and Samu, Samu and Tsumu. What a ridiculous thing to be scared of.

In the end, though it was just the two of them, they got enough food for four. it was almost distracting enough to drown out the inescapable awkwardness between them. Almost.

Atsumu didn't want to bring anything up, not when they were having an almost normal meal again, so he let Samu guide the conversation.

Samu told him about the property he'd gone to visit here in the city, a small restaurant that had been a ramen shop before it shut down. Tsumu looked at the pictures he was shown and agreed that it looked like a good place, though Samu would need a refrigerated display. Samu told him that their ma was trying to grow radishes in her window boxes, and Tsumu laughed and pretended that was the first he'd heard of it. Samu explained, staring fixedly at the vegetables floating in the spicy broth, that Suna thought it was best he didn't come this time, so it didn't feel like the two of them were ganging up on Tsumu again when they apologized, and Tsumu-

Tsumu blinked.

"If we came to ya, both of us at once, wouldn't it still feel like it was us versus you?" Samu asked quietly. "I didn't- I didn't tell him everythin' you told me, I swear, but he's always been smarter than us, he put it together since... with everythin' you said the last time, I didn't wanna seem like we were just apologizin' to get over it, ya know? And we thought, maybe, showin' up together might not be the best way to show we heard ya and everythin'."

Tsumu blinked at Samu, who blinked at the sweet potato that bobbed to the surface of the boiling soup.

"Look, Tsumu," Samu said, "I don't know when... when I started treatin' ya so bad. I don't know, and I don't know how I never noticed, or how I never saw when you… when you had enough of it. I never wanted to push ya like that. I never wanted to hurt ya. I know it's too late to say stuff like that, and I know it doesn't really matter, not when it can't change anythin', but it's true. And I'm sorry we made it impossible for you to talk to us. I know you tried to, and we just- just laughed it off. That was... fuck. I'm sorry, Tsumu. I really, really am. And ya don't hafta forgive me for it, not now, or- or ever, if ya don't want to. What we did, what I did- it wasn't fair to you. And more than that, I never should've... yer my brother, Tsumu. I should've been there for ya, I should've been the one you could come to when ya felt like shit or wanted to cry about somethin'. I should've been the person you could tell about yer first day in the big leagues, or yer new friends, or, or gettin' engaged. And- and ya still told me about so much of it, even when I-" he broke off with a frustrated sound. Samu had never been good at talking.

"I betrayed yer trust in me," Samu forced out. "And did it over and over, even when ya kept givin' me more chances." Samu took a deep breath, and he finally looked up to meet Tsumu's eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't keep yer secrets. I'm sorry I didn't listen when you needed me to. I'm sorry I ever made ya feel like you were wrong for trustin' me, for believin' that you deserved someone to be there for ya. You do, Tsumu. You always did, and I'm sorry it wasn't me.

“Most of all," he took a deep breath and started again. "Most of all, I'm sorry I made ya feel like you weren't a brother to me.

"We've always been more different that people think, but I still should've met ya halfway instead of makin' you cover the distance alone every time. I should've known how you are and what you need, the way you always have for me. And Rin- I'm not gonna apologize for him, he'll do that himself, but you always took care of him too. The three of us... we should've all looked out for each other, but you took care of all of us, and Rin and I just- we just looked out for ourselves. I'm sorry, Tsumu. And ya don't hafta let me, but I wanna make it up to ya. I wanna be- I wanna be brothers again, how we used to be. And i'll do the work, i'll go the whole distance, i'll do whatever ya need. You won't be alone in it anymore, I promise ya.

"I just want my big brother back, Tsumu. I miss ya, and I can't do all this without ya."

Atsumu met Samu's gaze, shell shocked at the sudden apology, and neither of them spoke for a long moment. Then suddenly, they both sniffed and tore their eyes away-the kind of in sync move that used to get them "There it is! Twin telepathy!" when they were young.

"Fuck, now I'm cryin' into the soup," Samu grumbled under his breath, wiping at his face roughly with the back of his wrist. "Why'd we hafta do this right now?"

"Hah?! Yer the one who brought it up, what do you mean we?!" Tsumu cried out, wiping his own face with a handful of paper napkins. "This is yer fault, not mine!"

"It's not my fault I had to apologize!" Samu retorted on instinct, and both of them paused. Tsumu sent him a thoroughly unimpressed glare- as much of a glare as he could manage when his eyes wouldn't stop watering.

"Say that again, slowly," Tsumu invited. "Yeah, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it," Samu grunted, face pink. "Are we gonna keep talkin' about it or can we eat?"

"Well for one, I don't think yer in a place to be makin' demands right now," Tsumu said with as haughty a sniffle as he could manage. “And for two, I get hungry when I cry so food now, talk later."

"I know ya do, that's why I asked in the first place," Samu grumbled, but he swiped a piece of Tsumu's lamb and swished it around in the mala broth, just how Tsumu liked it, before reaching across the table and dropping it in Tsumu's dipping sauce.

It was hardly anything really, but Tsumu stared at it for a while. there were some things, he supposed, that Samu had noticed about him. Had remembered through the years. It didn't absolve him of his wrongs, it didn't fix things, but... it was nice to know, anyway. Tsumu wondered if Samu thought of him when he went out to eat with Suna, the way Tsumu always did; scanning the menu briefly to figure out what his brother would order if he was there.

Did Samu think about him when the first fireflies of the season began to appear, the ones they used to chase around with a glass jar in late summer?

Did he think of him, like Tsumu did, when that song came on the radio- the one their ma would sing out loud while she cleaned the kitchen, Tsumu and Samu watching cartoons in the next room?

Did he think of him, sometimes, when he woke up and there wasn't someone there? A matching set that had climbed under the covers with him when the thunder got too loud?

Even after all this time, so much of Tsumu's world was built by Samu. the smell of fireworks and takoyaki during matsuris, the sailor moon theme song they performed for their grandparents when they were six, the scar on his big toe where Samu nearly bit it off as a baby.

It was impossible to go a day without thinking about him, even if he tried. Samu was ingrained in his very being, always had been. Was he the same to him, tattooed on his soul from start to finish?

They ate in relative silence: Samu bracing himself for what would come next, Tsumu trying. his best to just make sense of things. A long time ago he'd posted on one of those advice forums, hurt and confused and searching for answers. They had come, mostly in the form of "Family or not, a relationship like that is more harm than good. Cut ties, put yourself first!", and some half dozen variations just like it. Tsumu had gotten sick thinking about it. He hadn't deleted the post because it was against the forum rules to delete once people had answered, but he made sure to reply to everyone. ‘You don't know what you're talking about. He's my twin brother.’

Dinner was long, though not as long as it could have been if they'd talked, but Tsumu still didn't really know what to say as they left. He wanted to say something like "It's alright, I forgive you, let's go back to how we were before" but he honestly couldn't really remember- couldn't remember when "before" was. It was hard, actually, to remember the last time Samu hadn't... hadn't scared him, at least a little.

When Tsumu went running up to him with something to say, or when he found himself crying after a bad game, or when he wanted attention just because- he couldn't remember the last time he hadn't gone expecting a weary sigh, an eye roll, a derisive laugh.

So he couldn't say it was okay. But he had a chance to have his brother back, and even if it was a bad decision, even if it meant he was the vulnerable one once again... for Samu, he would do it. He would do it again, with his trust and his hope on full display.

But this time- this time, Samu needed to do it too. Belly up and helpless, knowing the costs of failure. Tsumu wouldn't be the only one, not this time.

"I'll let ya," he finally said, the two of them frozen under some streetlight, hands shoved in their pockets to protect them from showing too much. "You and Rin, if he wants to. I'll let ya make it up to me. I want ya to, Samu, and I mean that. I don't want- this isn't some power play, alright? I'm not tryin' to guilt trip you into doin' whatever I want until I decide yer forgiven. you know I'd do anythin' for ya, even now. So, don't do this ‘cause ya want somethin' from me. I want ya to do this because you miss me too. I want-" it was hard to ask for what he wanted. "I want ya to treat me well, Samu. I want ya to treat me like someone ya want to be around, someone ya actually- actually love. Not someone ya just got stuck with.”

He took a deep breath. "We've always been brothers because that's how we were born. But I choose to be yer brother every day, Samu. I don't regret it, and I'll do it every day until I die. But you have to make that choice now. You have to prove ya want this, that it- that we, that I, am worth that effort for ya. Got it? Because I've had enough of bein' an afterthought, and I- I know now that I deserve more. So I don't really want yer apologies, to be honest, though I appreciate it nonetheless. If ya wanna make it up to me, I want ya to show up for me. I want ya to care about the things I love, to listen to me when I talk, even if ya think it's just a nod along if I'm mad! I want to know that I can go to ya about anythin'. That ya won't judge me, won't laugh at me or put me down, and I'm not- I'm not askin' ya to treat me like a princess or anythin'. I can take a joke, but ya need to know where the line is. And it won't work if I hafta point it out to ya every time. You need to pay attention. You need to care enough that I don't hafta worry about whether or not I'm linin' up to be laughed at. Understand?"

The worry that he was asking too much, making a fuss over nothing, was still incessant in the back of his mind. But he thought about his friends, about Omi, about the way he'd always shown up for Samu and Suna. If it wasn't too much for them, why would it be too much for him?

It still felt dramatic, a bit excessive, but- Samu was nodding fiercely, a determined frown pulling at his lips. "I'll do it," he said, so sure of himself. "You've always done it for us, haven't ya? If you can do it, I can do it."

Tsumu blinked. Scowled. "This isn't a competition, ya scrub! Take it seriously!"

"I'm dead serious!" Samu huffed. "Besides, what have we ever taken more seriously than a competition? All I'm sayin' is, genetically or whatever, there's no reason you should be all good at something that I can't do. So, if you can do it, I can do it. I will. I'm serious, Tsumu. Not to get anythin', not to prove anythin', just- just because, alright? You deserve it, and I miss ya, and I wanna be- I wanna be someone you trust again. I wanna be good to ya."

And it was just words- it was just promises that might or might not be kept, but it was more than Atsumu had ever expected. He was terrified, sure, but this... this meant the world to him, and he was willing to take the risk.

"Alright, alright. Then, that's it then, yeah? We've aired our grievances-"

"You aired your grievances."

"All that's left is puttin' yer money where yer mouth is. And if this is a competition-"

"It is, at least a little bit."

"Then ya should know the stakes."

Atsumu leveled Samu with a steady look. "It better end in a tie. ‘Cause if I come out on top again, I'm not risking a third chance. If I'm the one giving everything again, I'm not going to give any more.”

"Loud and clear," Samu agreed with a nod.

"And if I win, ya never get to bring up me quittin' volleyball around ma ever again.'' It was such a stupid bet, but Tsumu knew better. Samu put the odds in his favor- everything he did would be for Tsumu's benefit, not his own. If he won, all he would gain was Atsumu.

The way he looked at him now, eyes still a little pink around the edges, shoulders tight in that way they got before a fight... that was enough. Atsumu, for once, would be enough.

"Deal," Tsumu finally said, offering an outstretched pinky. Samu locked it with his own, pressed their thumbs together. "Deal."

Things weren't fixed yet, not by a long shot, but for once, Atsumu felt like things might be okay. Maybe in a year, he could plan a wedding. Have his brother as his best man, and his best friend could wipe his ma's tears when she started crying too hard.

It was far away still, but if there was one thing Tsumu knew better than anything, it was his brother, and the look in Samu's eyes said I'll do whatever it takes. Tsumu knew that look because he wore it the same.

To be brothers again, I'll do whatever it takes.

For the first time in his life, Atsumu entered a competition hoping he would lose.

#bakubajific #haikyuu!!#threadfic #long post #miya twins #post timeskip #sunaosa #sakuatsu #hurt/comfort #loneliness #insecurity #fix it fic #sort of #family angst #setting boundaries and making amends #this is not an osamu and suna loving fic #but i do love them dearly #slaps fic: you can fit so many feelings in this bad boy #but most of them are sad

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