#fun fact i made most of this at work cuz i wanted to experiment with textures while waiting for actual work to render

[mihai-florescu]

Only the cat he saved remained there, meowing for help.

[the-kingshound]

Warning inane ramble incoming, it’ll probably be annoying I apologize. (*_ _)人 I spent the last several days reading every post here. I managed to convince myself to start liking some (sorry about that I’m sure it was annoying to get all those notifications) I have this weird thing where I get nervous about liking older posts cuz I mean it’s been a long time and it’s unprompted so that’s weird right? It feels weird like I’m doing something wrong or I’m being annoying, I considered reblogging too but somehow that felt worse? Sorry I am not good with social rules they confuse me both on and offline Idk my brain is wrong and I’m just a nervous socially anxious snail. (＞﹏＜)

Anyways just wanted to gush about how much I love it here and I’m never leaving (´꒳`) ♡ First and foremost Yniol has a special place in my heart they will forever be my favorite bestie (*＾ω＾)人(＾ω＾*), yes I am biased as my partner is grey and though they don’t play IFs they were thrilled to learn about your character! Also your writing is just phenomenal, your fans are fun and creative, your characters give such warm and positive energy I love them so much they’re perfect, the inclusivity is such chefs kiss ( ´ з `) 🤌🏻✨, the angst is delicious, the fluff is so sweet and comforting, the spice is ... very blush-worthy (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄). This has been a journey I laughed, I cried, I giggled, and I blushed and I have enjoyed every bit of it from pasta discourse to Moldien cult wars to Arthur bunnies, I’ve had the most wonderful time. Now my mind is gonna be filled with Arthurian stuff for months my maladaptive daydreaming is having the time of its life I have a road trip next week and I’m so looking forward to just staring out a window for 6+hours while my Hound's just alternating daydream adventures with the cast o(≧▽≦)o. Also speaking of your amazingly wonderful, sweet, and supportive cast I have decided my (though I love them all) favorite poly pairings are Arthur/Morien and whole crew polycule I’d sell my soul for those but I 100% understand why you can’t really do that. I don’t think I have the endurance in me to code a single poly no matter how much I wish it so the fact you’re doing any let alone several is just god tier you are awe inspiring.

Alas I have rambled far far to much I wish I could be more eloquent in expressing just how much I enjoyed experiencing all of this but for now this is the best I can do (╥ω╥). Thank you for sharing your wonderful work it’s truly a gift to experience. ଘ(੭ˊ꒳​ˋ)੭✧ I wish you wealth, health, and all the best in all your creative endeavors. -🐌

No, please please do not apologize. You made my entire week <3 This ask is straight up going into the folder where i keep my motivation to write and to be just a little proud of my work, thank you so so much for sending it.

For anyone having the same thoughts about liking or reblogging old posts: please do it. When I see the notifications, get very giddy and pleased, and I hope you are enjoying the food. Liking, and especially reblogging things, even more so if you add tags and reactons, not only fills me with glee but it also reminds me of old asks that I want to reblog again for new followers. So yeah, I love it, please feel free to go on a liking/reblogging spree!

You are so relatable for the maladaptive daydreaming (this game was absolutely born out of my own mental movies), I wish I could speed up the writing and editing for the next update so you can read it while you travel but I'm afraid it's a lost cause (I have been working on things, even now, but I am currently rewriting like half of it and while it is way better it takes sooo much time and energy). Knowing my characters and story are in someone's thoughts it the best kind of reward I need. I will never likely monetise this game, so this is the thing I wish to leave people with, and I hope the characters can be comforting and keep you company <3

You have no idea how much I would love to write the full polycule... maybe one day :,) But don't lose hope for the Arthur/Morien poly yet, as I decided to cancel the Gwyar/Morien poly and now I have a potentially free slot. In any case, awww, please know that this ask made me so happy today and will be in my thoughts as tkh is in yours.

Please have a lovely day and a lovely week and also a very lovely trip! Thank you again so so much!!

[sillydummydum]

*DROPS S/I ON THE GROUND*

*RUNS AWAY IN SHAME*

S/I Yap time!!

OK SO-- I made this little S/I art yesterday and felt like sharing!! My Persona 5 S/I is basically-- well, me (bubbly and annoying) and nothing else lolol I literally insert myself in the universe with some plot changes and it's fun!! She likes space and music! Cuz i do too! :D She's also an indie musical artist but it's like more of a hobbie than anything! (Even if it does helps with money and all! she also does haves some good amount of followers on the niche! But nothing big out of the indie bubble) She wants to work as a songwriter for a famous singer one day!

Her background is nothing crazy but I made some silly changes, like aging up my irl brother (he's currently a lil baby and I made him a lil kid :3) and making me live with my grandma! (fucking love my grandma kisses grandma!!) Also some dramatic aah stuff like dead mom and no dad for me (the basics) 😭😭 My S/I has a strong special interest in space!!! Which is something I'm getting really into lately! So I made mommy an astronomer! She was like best friends with Wakaba (scientific nerds lol) and Sojiro so S/I was very close to Futaba since childhood for that reason!

She is a phantom thieve (shockerz) and uhm I wanted to use my personal experience as a bullied child growing up (mostly because of ableism) and turn that into motivation to make justice, since no one did that for me before!! (Grr goddamn adults!) And finding my own group of weird little people made me much more open and generally happy in real life! So that's what I'm doing on this universe as well! ^^

Yes she entered in kamoshida's case cuz I wanna imagine myself in every little story event.

Yes I study at Shujin.

Yes I am basic. /j

Even tho when it's for self shipping purposes I usually make my stuff in the 3rd semester because... life is beautiful and husby has no filter so it's funnier ✨️ AND YES I AM HELPING THE ROYAL TRIO WITH MARUKI FUCK IT NOW WE ARE FOUR!! (Depression afterwards :<)

Her Persona is called Selene! Based off the greek goddess of the moon!! She has nuclear/almighty based skills simply because it's chaotic and looks cool!! FUCKING MEGIDOLAON ON THEM!!! POOOWWW BOOM KABOOM!! 💥👊ALSO FUN FACT SHE'S VERY CHAOTIC!! (just like me fr maybe because it is me duh) often being too dramatic, explosive and loud!!! totally ruining stealth when it comes to infiltrating palaces, which usually makes some funny aah scenes because she was dumb-- maybe she's not a good phantom thief...

maybe.

Talking about metaverse stuff! Her clothes are based off Magicians! Because of her lil show off nature, making everything a explosive dramatic spectacle! And uhm magicians are cool!! -v-"

This concept was made with the help of my bestie! Helping me take a more Kaito kid/Tuxedo Mask inspired design, which i really like allot! big thanks to him!! <3

Relationship dynamics:

On this section I wanted to give a small little insights on her relationships with most characters! Since I felt like it would be fun to do so! :3

☆~☆~☆

Akira Kurusu/Ren Amamiya

- Her relationship with Akira is pretty much like a siblings relationship, Luna looks up to him allot and is the "I wanna be like you when I grow up" type lol even if they are the same age. He is her inspiration to get better, so she will get at his level one day! He also makes extra suggary cappuccino to her when she goes to Leblanc 🤝 ☕️

Ryuji Sakamoto

- Her relationship with him is pretty much the chaotic duo type, shes always giving him death stares when he starts to talk about girls or some dumb Ryuji shit like that 😭 Her and Morgana are constantly slandering him for the funzys, but Ryuji also likes to pick up on her so they're eternally on a war-- and in general they are two loud dumbasses who share the same braincells and have little silly banters 🤲 also HC that Luna helps him dye his hair 🫡

Ann Takamaki

- Her relationship with Ann is the girly besties type, constantly going out shopping, Ann usually helps her to buy her clothes since Luna definitely can't pick her clothes on her own without it looking weird 😭 they also go out allot to eat! Try the newest deserts all around Tokyo! Those two would probably kill for a chocolate cake. And they are getting progressively more poor because of that... She likes to paint Ann's nails and style her hair for fun! because she personally thinks Ann looks like a pretty porcelain doll!

Yusuke Kitagawa

- Her relationship with Yusuke is another of pure admiration!! Yusuke admire Luna for her artistic side on the music and Luna's eyes sparkle at every little sketch he does, I like to think that Luna (just like me) is an artist for fun who really has allot of trouble with drawing certain things that aren't fanart lol, and they go out on little panting sessions togheter. Like I dunno go to Inokashira Park to draw the scenario and his comes out like the next monalisa and hers is like... Blue and Green all mixed up togheter. And she probably got her clothes dirty in the process. He does encourages her to continue tho! And gives her tips that she usually doesn't get-- so uhm sensei Yusuke Ig?

Makoto Nijima

- Her relationship with Makoto is... *sighs* very sibling-like too. Luna isn't the best at school, and always cry for help when it's exams week 💔 Makoto usually scolds her for being too careless at everything, school, metaverse, crossing the road-- but only because she really cares about her. Luna is like the little sister she needs to lookout for so she doesn't get herself killed by accident. Oh fun fact but Luna is also very afraid of Sae (just like me im afraid of pretty woman) so yeah she freezes when she steps in the room 😭

Futaba Sakura

- Oh boooyyy Futaba time!! My relationship with Futaba is so silly and fun and I wanna yap about it!! Ok third person mode on--

So, since they were basically raised togheter, they are pretty close to one another, and have gathered the same types of interests through the years. Since I have the Autistic Futaba HC, I like to imagine that they get each other more than anything, engaging in parallel play most of the time when she was a shut-in. And I like to imagine that Luna was pretty much the only person she talked to at first after her Palace. Also HC that they play Pokemon United togheter. Cuz I said so. They exchange allot of gifts related to their special interests too! Ugh I have so many HC's for us but basically we are best friends forever two little chaotic autistic sillys but i help Futaba with her social anxiety! yipeee :3

Haru Okumura

- Her relationship with Haru is the tea time besties, they talk all day over a good cup of tea and Haru frequently gives her tips of how not make her plants die (very important, I never can make them live...) which is a hobby Luna really is trying to... make possible... (plz don't die this time) and generally her time yapping with Haru is a very comforting one, usually when shes feeling dramatic she goes and hugs Haru and makes her little drama, and Haru is usually the only one who's like "Oh dear :(" and stands her when she's being extra or cheers her up when shes actually sad too! 😭 shes such a sweetheart! <3 don't be mean with Mona and Luna! Haru is gonna politely ask you to stop. (Looking at you ryuji)

Morgana

- Her relationship with our favorite not cat! He's... Morgana. We know him. But Luna can be considered pretty much his #1 fan???? She thinks he's HELLA COOL like the best phantom thieve ever!! (I love morgana!!!) She really respects him and Morgana is really grateful to have someone that looks up to him (Luna looks up to lots of people! ><") Luna also likes to pat him. Allot. (IM A CAT PERSON OK) which well he doesn't mind but still he's not a kitty that you can just pat like that!!! (He's purring)

Sumire Yoshizawa

- Her relationship with Sumire is... damn, Luna is LOUD. And well we know that Sumi isn't exactly as extroverted as she makes herself seem when she takes on the Kasumi role. So uhm let's say Luna is overwhelming-- very overwhelming! 😭 She's always jumpy and bubbly and is constantly trying to cheer Sumire up, turning into some type of cheerleader for her when she starts to self-depreciate in any way, being overly affectionate and in general being extra EXTRA around her since she gets very worried about Sumire's mental health-- So yeah, Luna is basically constantly cheering her on and admiring her for being able to make things she can't (Even if Sumire doesn't think they're that great :< )... ooh we have another extreme admiration case here!!! Maybe the person she admires the most! Hell yeah! Give my girly some love!~ My bestie <3

Haha that's the end nothing more to see here... hah... haha.... bye...

Ok...

*sighs*

Goro Akechi

- That's probably the most important relationship of all-- why did I put him in last? I'm embarrassed. Uh... shy? 😭 gonna be more personal about this one uhm-- well

That's my boyfriend over there, I hate him I don't really enjoy his company and I hope he gets therapy. /hj

No, really tho, our relationship is... I can't even describe it, but our dynamic is DEFINITELY the "aww they do care about each other" type-- I constantly enjoy to annoy the hell out of him, just because it's funny?? I'm the devil from the bible. Er... so... the thing is, Akechi constantly get dismissed through story for obvious reasons, he's openly agaisn't the Phantom Thieves and later they do have much MUCH more motives to not fuck with him-- but Luna? DAMN. That girl is I N V E S T E D In being friends with him. Specially on the start, his sob stories actually made her pity him and get all "aw he's miserable... 🥺" lol so she constantly insisted on being his friend, even tho he was internally screaming and trying to push her away, she was CONVICTED. SHES A FRIENDSHIP MACHINE BABY. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE HER!!

So with that forced proximity, they eventually started getting closer, and it was something very... slow? Definitely. Luna never cared about hiding herself no matter how weird people seemed to find her, maybe he would admire that... envy that? Who knows.

Suddenly he started to enjoy her company. Even if she was... oh well a little dumb, yeah, he definitely thinks she is-- He never had people who were close to him, and definitely didn't had someone THAT determined to bother him 24/7. Maaaybe he could call her something close to a friend... right? (Yes they were she stated that every 3 seconds and Luna rules 🫡) And that was before he "entered" to the Phantom Thieves, and when he did? Damn she was kinda happy! Don't talk about the blackmail part showing off to him and telling him all the cool things she could do as she ""teached"" him about the metaverse (lol like this bitch needed to) and they got even closer!! Damn! Let's go play darts togheter and silly around! Yay! :D

I also like to HC that he would eventually let some good amount of things about his real self slip, and Luna would be like totally clueless and okay about it, when most people would think it was weird or out of character. Maybe that's why he got so weirdly comfortable around her? She didn't gave a fuck-- and oh well he wasn't THAT detective princefied around her by that time. Yeah she's probably the closest he got to it... (sweeps Akira under the rug)

And uh... let's skip allot of things so I won't yap about the whole Akechi arc here. Maybe another day.

But Luna was utterly miserable after everything (yall know what), she wasn't angry... just... shocked. Maybe a bit quieter? Less energetic? She was since the revelation, but it was worse now... and the penny dropped at the worst time-- And uh yeah sad above everything I think that's pretty much expected when you lose someone you really like. Despite everything, he was a friend... someone she cared about... maybe more than she should...

Wait.

Cared about, huh? OH FUCK SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM!!! (Shockerz) GASP WOW WOAH! *VINE BOOM* Who would've guessed. So uhm yeah that sucks, now it's too late...

A little more timeskip--

Oh well damn hi Goro!! What the fuck??? :D

That's where most of the romantic relationship aspects take part, damn he was there now???? It was literally her chance!! To what? Nothing really-- just spend more time to him and get more clingy (like she wasn't enough before) and even MORE bubbly than before!! She was genuinely happy! And now with the useless knowledge that she was utterly and absolutely in love with him. Oh well. And... damn she fell even more for him now! LIKE 20× MORE!! STOP HER PLEASE!!

And uh well she's not very good at hiding it so yeah her secret didn't last long, maybe i'll write how the confession went someday! :)

So basically... at first he was like "What the fuck?? Why????" But uhm maybe er... maybe he uhm... you know-- maaaybeeeee--- okay im flustered BUT MAYBE he would realize in the moment that he was in... love too? Uhm... get a little... yk... awkward there... ,÷*×&×(× er-- I don't know!! I MEAN FUCK OF COURSE HE DID I LITERALLY SELF SHIPP WITH HIM UGH IM DUMB--

OKAY WE ARE DATING NOW. That's the point. 😭😭

It's awkward, not ideal for what people expect of a couple, we definitely still have our little silly banters, he does want to kill me! and i do like to annoy him!! BUT I LIKE IT THAT WAY!! We aren't a veeeery affectionate openly lovey dovey couple but we are deeply in love! And when we do have our little lovey dovey moments it's just us being two dumb messes who don't know a thing about what we are doing! Hand holding? Just the little fingers! Kisses? Barely cheek ones! (On my part obviously im kissing the hell outta his cheeks mwah mwah mwah) I mean, we are trying! I love him and he loves me!! Allot!!! Even if we get a little weird and flustered about it!

>//<

I like awkward dating. It's fun. I love my boyfriend. :>

Oh damn I realized I yapped allot, more than I should-- I was about to write my relationship with other minor characters in the game but uhm that's too much already! Sorry for making you read that much! ^^"

But thank you for reading anyways!! I really appreciate it <3 for reading to my ULTIMATE s/I yapping!! Or... well, a yapping about me! I hope you enjoyed it! Feel free to ask questions about my s/i or my self ship if you have any! Oh damn even yap back at me about your S/I's! F/O's? I would love to hear it! ^^

Bye everyone!!!~ ☆

[astro-eats]

Gangle might be getting silly chat (tw, body issues)

Me: hm! I want to vent because today was a new experience! Oh wait I don't want to talk about myself, ima project my own problems onto a fictional character who has enough problems already! <3

Also, in this lets just say the characters can shower and eat a lot and throw up cuz its won't be accurate if not <3 also this is lazily written so I might do this for characters talking// Character name: "Words blah blah blah." Also there is abstragedy after the vent part

321 go

Gangle and the rest of the cast were celebrating! Bubble cooked a great feast (... "Great") and everyone was sat at the table, eating. Gangle put the food into her mouth. She started feeling a little sick. Just a little. But she kept eating. What a stupid decision. She kept eating, then the sick feeling in her stomach grew stronger. She needed to stop eating. But she felt like she had eaten so much already. She'd eaten so much. She ate. A lot.

...

She kept eating. She couldn't stop now. She kept eating. She didn't even want to with most of the things. She felt sick. She felt horrible. She hated herself. She hates herself. She hates he

Oh! Everyones going to the digital lake now.

Gangle feels horrible, but goes with everyone. She momentarily forgets about this whole eating stuff and tries having fun. Which she does. (But who cares about fun, we need angst.)

After all that, she grabs a drink and goes to her room. She walks into her bathroom and locks the door. Gangle stares at herself in the mirror. She feels horrible about herself. She chugs the drink, knowing its sugar contents and that it's gonna make her more sick.

With that "preparation", she goes into the shower and runs the water over herself.

...

She depends onto her knees and leans over the shower drain. She then shoves her ribbon hand down her throat and gently touches the back of her throat, causing her to gag.

Am I actually doing this..?

She does it again, her eyes now dripping with tears. She gags again. She does it once again. Again. Again. Again. Gagging and tearing up. Finally, she throws up.

...

She throws up again. Again. Again. Again. Until she stops. She looked at the hand that was previously down her throat.

... Why do I do this to myself.

She shoves it down her throat again. This time it doesn't work and she gags. So she does it again and doesn't throw up.

Time for a break. Just a moment of staring around and feeling the water. It was nice. Especially after she just threw up. Bit she wasn't done.

She gently puts her hand in her throat again, causing her to gag. Soon enough, she throws up. She throws up again. And again. Again. Again.

...

Time to wait for a bit. Just relax. That's all she needs to do. Its all she can do. Just lay back and feel the water. The water felt nice. It felt like it was washing away the pain. For just a moment. But it wasn't. The second she was out of that shower, it was gonna be bad again. It always is.

Gangle found herself leaned over the floor of the shower. She tried to throw up, but it didn't work well. It didn't work at all. She shoved her ribbon Albans into her throat multiple times, frustration building at the fact it wasn't working. She finally managed to throw up the last of her stomachs contents. She kept forcing herself to do that until there was nothing.

She instantly got up and rinsed herself and her mouth off.

Why can't I just be ok. There's always something. Always. I can't have a break. I can't have... Anything.

...

Gangle was now laying on her bed. How pathetic. She felt so empty. And the empty feeling in her stomach didn't help at all. She was emotional and frustrated and depressed. And hungry.

...

A/N: after this author note, everything said has not happened to me and is more just Gangle angst and maybe abstragedy

...

Soon enough, the inevitable happened. Someone knocked.

Gangle: "Who is it..?" She spoke in a sad tone. Her voice made it obvious she felt empty and depressed.

Zooble: "Its me. I'd you don't open up the door I'm opening it myself."

Gangle: "... Hngh... Come in then..." She rolled in her bed to face the door.

Zooble opened said door, walking in with a neutral expression. They closed the door and walked closer to her.

Zooble: "You good?"

Gangle: "Mhm..."

Zooble: "You don't look good." They looked her up and down as they walked towards the bed, sitting next to her tired body.

Gangle blinked, almost comically slowly. This raised a red flag for zooble. She was basically a depressed mess.

Zooble: "Tell me what's wrong."

Gangle: "... Nothings wrong."

Zooble: "Gangle if you don't talk to me right now I swear I'm gonna f-"

Gangle: "... You're not helping.."

Zooble: "Oh uh.. Sorry. But you need to tell me what's wrong. If you abstract I swear Gangle."

Gangle was frustrated. She wanted to just cry or be cuddled, not talk. That's not what she needed. She needed silent comfort. But it was hard to communicate that without getting frustrated at them.

Gangle: "Stop.."

Zooble: "What do you mean 'stop' Gangle?! You NEED to tell me what's wrong RIGHT now!"

Gangle looked at them for a split second, before bursting into tears. The tears rolled off her face and dripped onto the blanket. Oh the look on Zoobles face. Even without a mouth, their expression said 'I F---ed up.'

Zooble: "Uh.. I uh- what-"

Gangle muttered out pieces of sad words. Her sentences were a puzzle that the smartest person in the world couldn't put together. One word that could be made out was 'Hug'. Zooble really didn't want to. Physical affection wasn't their thing. But since they got with Gangle, they were warming up to it. So they awkwardly pulled her onto them and ran their claw across her torso.

The action was comforting. This is what Gangle needed the most. Silent comfort. Meanwhile, zooble felt awkward and slightly uncomfortable. But they're willing to put in work for her. She obviously needs it..

Zooble: "Do you want to talk now?"

Gangle: "... I.. Hate.. I- ugh..!" Frustration was obvious in her tone.

Zooble: "... Ok."

Im to lazy and obviously hungry to write the rest. Enjoy my vent turning into yuri lolll

[vanillaxoshi]

Bro Cahaya with Daun’s powers bouta be broken as hell cuz he is no longer just subjected to one ability (shooting lasers I mean sorry Cahaya you still look cool tho)

Cuz like Daun has to be the one of the most versatile amongst the BoEls when we are introduced to his basic abilities during season 1 like not only does he have trapping and defense capabilities he also has the ability to inflict AOE (or is there another term for inflicting poison idk) like his stunning shurikens and the itching dagger (and now he also has attack abilities as Duri!)

Now if Cahaya got his hands on that imagine the absolute chaos he could inflict (if Daun’s powers extends to fungis he’d be absolutely rigged as hell)

No nose to smell the flowers that could render your body immobile? Watch out for the poison covered darts! Think you can escape just cuz you’ve cut down all of the vines that were trapping your arms? Look down bud they’re all over your legs now and you’re trapped!

-Duri Stan Anon (now that I think about it I think I just described a viper HAHAHAHAHAH) (ngl tho a bit fitting cuz Cahaya would hands down use poison as much as possible) (also vv convenient for him if he needs alien plants lol) (also the fungi bit is because fungus aren’t considered plants it seems but maybe with Daun’s ability he might be able to manipulate them at most!) (anyways vv fun just imagining how others use others powers teehee) (bro aren’t there fungis that could turn insects into zombies oh nawr)

Its the fact he does chemical experiments as well, using any type of plants to mush it into something if possible

The difference in both of them using plants would obviously be cahaya using the plants more unto subtle gas or poison

Both are made for stealth ngl one just chooses the flashy way withe the light powers cuz he wants to look cool and be the star of the show

And the other embraces the stealth role no matter what position hes in

Well daun isnt exactly stealthy as he is but he can be, shown in missions

So cahaya being plants could probably make him embraces the strength of keeping hidden which he messes up cause hes too noticable and he makes himself seen doing attacks THIS IS WHY YOUR STRONGEST ATTACKS DONT WORK BRO

YOUR RIGHT THERE INFRONT OF THE ENEMY DOING IT idiot.

[quijabored]

SPOILERS FOR UP TO EP6 S5 OF BUNGO STRAY DOGS

HERE WE ARE AGAIN

It's been far too long for not watching BSD, but in my defense I've been playing bungo tales, drawing more bsd, (Dazai doodles will hopefully be up soon? If theyre not theyll be up tommorow) and I've also been in the midst if reading and writing for a book I'm working on.

So long story short, I haven't had much time to watch it, BUT IM BACK

AND DEAR GODS DO I HAVE TO SAY THINGS

FIRST OFF, *AKUTAGAWA*

FIGURED OUT WHERE THE NECK SLASH PANNEL CAME FROM, *BUT WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS*

MY SON, MY BABY, MY WILL TO LIVE, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GET HURTTTTT

HES NOT DEAD THOUGH I DONT THINK

THEY HAD ME IN THE FIRST HALF BUT THEN THE VAMPIRISM SHIT STARTED HAPPENING AND I WAS LIKE "OH THANK GOD"

If he does die I'm actually gonna start sobbing

I kid you not I went outside of my room and was like "HES- HES NOT DEAD. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE- UH-"

While like on the verge of tears

IT WAS SUPER FUN THOUGH

STILL A FUCK YOU FUKUCHI

HATE THAT GUY FR, I GOT SO EXCITED WHEN THEY FINALLY GOT THE PAGE BUT I KNEW IT WASNT OVER JUST YET BECAUSE THE ABRUPT ENDING WAS TOO ODD AND I LOVE CALLING THINGS IN SHOWS BUT NOT LIKE THIS MAN

ALSO AKUTAGAWA BACKSTORY KINDA????

HIS YOUNGER SELF LOOKS SO DEAD INSIDE PLEASE I WANT TO PAT HIS HEAD :((((

He would kill me if I got too close BUT SHHH

AND THEN BRAM????

I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM

HES SO SILLY LIKE AAAAAA

IM GONNA GET TO HIM IN A MINUTE BUT I GOTTA TALK ABOUT TACHIHARA AND JOUNO FIRST

FIRST TACHIHARA

I KNEW HE WAS GONNA LOSE THE FIGHT AGAINST FUKUCHI, BUT GOD DAMN IT DID HE HAVE TO USE HIS STUPID TIME SWORD???

I HATE THE TIME SWORD SO MUCH IM GONNA MOP THE FLOOR WITH FUKUCHIS BLOOD

OH OH ALSO ALSO

TECCHOU AND JOUNO ARE *NOT* STRAIGHT BRO LIKE AINT NO WAY

I TOOK A SCREENSHOT FOR IT, THE LINE WAS, I KID YOU NOT, "Stop jabbing me in the ass!"

*MY MOTHER WALKED IN WHEN IT WAS PLAYING*

Most horrifying experience I've ever had, she just slowly walked away

ALSO THE FACT THAT JOUNO WAS LIKE "Wait till the other guys and Tecchou hear about this!"

Like why didn't you lump them together 🤨 kinda fruity if you ask me 🤨🤨🤨

I'm delusional

OH AND JOUNO BEING LIKE "You made the mistake of showing me how to care for the life of others"

LIKE AAAAAA???? I LOVE MY SON

ALSO HIS ABILITYS COOL ASF

And then Akutagawa bit him

SPEAKING OF AKU

I WAS STARVED FOR LIKE THE ENTIRE SEASON BEFORE I SAW HIM AGAIN, *AND THEN HE GETS ALMOST KILLED??? HELLO?????*

Seeing him w/o his coat was super fun though, I can finally figure out how his shirt looks for my artings

Makes me really sad how he sees everything as a test for Dazais approval though :(

Knowing he's gonna die due to a lung disease hurts, like I knew he was sick and stuff but still :(

WHEN THEY WERE LIKE "Im gonna kill you Atsushi! RAAAHHH!!!" AND THEY STARTED RUNNING AT EACHOTHER I WAS LIKE OH FUCK YEAH THEYRE GONNA TRICK HIM

And then Fukuchi went back in time.

ALSO TACHIHARA BEING LIKE RAAAAHHH IM A PORT MAFIA MEMBER NOW RAAHHHH LIKE I LOVE HIM

AND AND AND NOW FOR MY FAVORITE SEGMENT

BRAM AND AYA!!!

THEYRE SO SILLY OH MY GOSH I LOVE THEM

Imagine putting your pink children earbuds into a Gothic Victorian man's earlobe, ant other person from that time would've called it witchcraft

THE WHOLE RADIO THING I LOVE IT

"Im trying to sleep." LIKE ANY TIME HIS COFFINS OPEN I LOVE HIM

I just have to hope nothing bad happens cuz everyone's like on the brink of death right now

KUNIKIDAS NOT GONNA DIE, I KNOW THAT FOR A FACT (If I turn out wrong by the time the series ends Im crying)

I love how hes yapping about old stories and how he's super strong and then Ayas just like "The huh??"

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

OH ALSO

WHEN JOUNO WAS IN THE MEETING WITH EVERYONE AND HE STOPPED BEFORE FUKUCHI LEFT THE ROOM I WAS LIKE "HAHAHA ITS OVER FOR YOUUUU"

AND WHEN HE TRIED TO PLAY DUMB I WAS LIKE HUH??? AND RHEN HE WAS LIKE "I knew before this, Fukuchi." AND I WAS LIKE CALLED IT

I love bsd I love bsd I love bsd I love bsd I-

TERUKOS SO SILLY I LOVE HER SO MUCH

ALSO RANPO AND POE ARE SO SILLY LIKE YOURE TELLING ME POE WROTE A BOOK FOR RANPO AND THE AGENCY TO HAVE A MEETING IN JUST BECAUSE HE ASKED??? I LOVE THEM

THERE HASNT BEEN MUCH TECCHOU CONTENT BUT WAAA WAAAA WAAAAA I LOVE HIMMMMM

HES SO SILLY AND ADORBS

Not as much of an adorbie worbie as Akutagawa tho, no one can top my son

Love Mori when hes not being a creep, I still hate him but his character interests me to say the least and Ill analyze him further eventually.

OH

I THOUGHT I WAS ALMOST DONE BUT NO

DAZAI AND FYODOR ARE FUCKING INSANE

I love both of them.

POOR SIGMA BRO HES WATCHING THEM WILLINGLY PUT POISON INTO THEIR BODYS???

IS DAZAI GONNA LIKE USE HIS HEARTBEAT SHIT TO SLOW DOWN THE THING OR IS NIKOLAI GONNA BE LIKE "Yeah Im gonna help you because I want my bestie to die :3"

NIKOLAI CALLING FYODOR BESTIE IS WHAT GIVES ME LIFE I LOVE THEM

I didn't see a chess board when Dazai and Fyodor were in their weird bubble cells, but Fyodor called Dazai his chess buddy, so I'm 90% sure they just kinda...

"I move my rook to E5."

"You dont think I saw that coming? Knight E5."

"Hm, whatever. I already planned this out anyways. Queen, E5"

"Hah, youre only just starting to fall into my traps. Ill play the waiting game. Pawn, D3"

BUT LIKE IN THEIR HEADS

HELLO???? THEY??? HOW???

I love playing chess sm though, very fun game would reccomend

I play chess with my therapist actually :3

It's really neat, live laugh my therapist bro

I THINK THATS IT BUT IF I REMEMBER ANYTHING ELSE ILL SAY IT LATER!!

LIVE LAUGH ASAGIRI BRO

[alicebrightstar]

Jester Queen Hoon..

So I have a idea in my head that I thought for a doppelganger character of that’s not my neighbor and here’s what I think (maybe a boss from the nightmare mode or the story mode..)

So pretty much their name is the Hoon Queen or Hoon jester whatever you call them and they like to play tricks on the human mind and tell the human the worse things in the human thoughts (so pretty much they’re the voices in your head lol) normally the Hoon jester likes to be around with the doormans since most of them are pretty easy to manipulate them, thinking they let a normal human in but not realize it before it was too late, doormans won’t really see her that much since they pretty much Invisible to the human eye so it easily for them to not get catch by the doormans

After some days pass, a new doorman came by named kattie spades (my player doorman oc) who has some good experiences with knowings and guessing things on her own judgement due to her being a personality of a spades. the hoon jesters has finally got a new victim to manipulate from the inside of their minds. Little does the hoon jester known that kattie isn’t a person to mess around with them getting manipulated into thinking is the right decision. Due to katties know it all skills and was good at handling her negative thoughts, hoon jester quick to realize Kattie isn’t playing around which made the hoon jester a little upset about that, and after some the doorman works, kattie went to her own home and went to bed but then kattie started to get dreams/nightmares of some strange looking inky shadow jester with a black and white mask. this time they want to mess around with kattie’s dreams and mess with her vision, tho the hoon jester really loves seeing kattie face whatever them and kattie face each other whatever if kattie is in a dream or if kattie is hallucinating, hoon jesters loves calling her cute pet names sometimes even if they hate eachother sometimes

I was thinking that it could be a some kind of leader/queen to all the hoons Doppelganger (ya know the hoon man and the hoon Lady one?) like for example, I was thinking the hoon jester created them just to have fun but also they creating them just because they wanna scared the doorman a little bit when they see the hoons faces, probably some hallucinations that people sees. I also think these hoons are the hoon jester minions? Idk!

Since the hoon jester is a doppelganger (a high rank doppelganger leader in fact) I thought she has her own disguise to blend into the humans and also the D.D.D’s I thought she could be some kind of manager/secretary that works with the D.D.D and is planing on killing all the humans so the doppelgängers reach their goal but I not sure how it goes lol (maybe her disguise name will be vivi or vaggie?)

This is a work in process Character since right now the design/name/info is not finalized but might change some bits if I feel like it and also how i’m imagine her to be in my head cuz right now is night time and I neeed to sleep.

[itsahotminuteinbetween]

okie chokie, let’s go

uhhh

just gonna paste this directly from my notes cuz I suck at summarizing…

Witch au:

Okay, so this entire thing essentially revolves around lunar because um reasons that I don’t feel like disclosing (I have none). Okay. So. There’s this funky lil pendant that pretty much everyone sees as a priceless artifact. There’s legends surrounding at, whispers of untold power beyond time and space, secrets that bend reality to your every whim. (Fun fact that definitely isn’t important at all: KC helped design it!) So of course, a certain orange dorito man goes looking after it. He’s dedicated pretty much his entire life to researching its abilities and whereabouts, and finally, after countless years of searching, it’s in the palm of his hand. Exceeeept…whoops! He doesn’t know how to use it. And he tries everything: he flips through all his texts, all the notes left behind, but there’s nothing said about activating it. He tries knocking, incantations, different acids and solvents (fun fact: he was an alchemist’s apprentice for a lil while in his youth!) to no avail. Finally, he rubs the dumb thing like Alladin’s lamp, grasping for straws before giving up and tossingn the damn thing across the room. And who should come out but a little ghost, curious to see who disrupted its vessel.

Lunar is essentially like Casper. Very sweet and friendly, but a little oblivious of boundaries. Besides, he hasn’t been outside in a loooong time; he’s eager to explore and check out what’s changed, much to Eclipse’s chagrin. He doesn’t exactly like the new spirit, but it’s the only lead he has in unlocking the pendant’s power. So, he puts up with him, albeit not with the…best treatment. Eclipse isn’t exactly well-versed with kids; he hardly got to be one for very long. That, and his main priority is the pendant; Lunar’s a liability. He conducts a good deal of experiments, trying to set Lunar free from the object, but that is seemingly impossible. As Eclipse’s experiments continue to fail, his temper grows shorter, and Lunar suffers all the worse for it. Eventually, Eclipse gives up altogether and scraps the project regarding Lunar’s involvement, and seeks out someone to just break the pendant in hopes that that’ll work (his time working on it have made him…less than mentally stable). So, poor Lunar finds out and is cast to the wayside, seemingly forgotten. He resolves to run away and escape Eclipse’s place (since he has no real ties there besides the emotional abuse and manipulation on Eclipse’s part) with the pendant tied around his neck. 

He wanders around for a lil while, and what should he happen upon but a nice little cabin in the middle of the woods. It’s a lot cozier than Eclipse’s, and he wanders inside in hopes of somehow figuring out how to solve this little amulet issue since it’s…kinda not great for him either. So he explores the little house, only to be caught red handed by our good friend the witch.

Moon is the witch in this au. He, like Eclipse, was also an alchemist under KC, but he actually completed his training and went on to study on his own, becoming fairly well-versed in magic and the dark arts. Anywho, he walks into his cabin and meets this little ghost who looks absolutely terrified at his presence. Moon assures him that he’s not here to cause any trouble, and the ghoul seems to relax, if only slightly. Moon essentially decides to just let him stay for as long as he wants to, only saying that he might have a bit of an issue with his brother…

Sun isn’t a witch like Moon, He dabbled a little bit in alchemy, but he only knows the basics of that and most magic. His knowledge gravitates more towards creatures of myth and legend. He’s a demon hunter of sorts (he runs into a particular demon at some point…), collecting the necessary ingredients for Moon’s experiments, as well as a few of his own. He comes home a week or two after Lunar, and, considering his line of work, may have…overreacted a little. Moon stops him and explains the situation, after which Sun profusely apologizes to a wary and somewhat fearful Lunar. 

I’m gonna just cut myself off here cuz I ran out of steam for the day.

(uhh @sunnyinajar mmmgonna tag you cuz uh you seemed uh somewhat hyped about this jumble of ideas earlier but uh I dunno yea here’s this um yes right sorry for tagging you if you already saw it or didn’t uh wanna see it and uh yeah I’m gonna stop talking before I delete this entire thing and shove it down a garbage shoot-)

[gallavichthings]

Writer’s Spotlight - Mhunter10

Be honest, y’all thought I had abandoned this series, didn’t you? But I hadn’t! In fact, this interview was done a long time ago, but posting was delayed for several reasons. It’s finally here though, and I’m very excited for you to read this one, because the writer we’re spotlighting today is a fandom veteran and one of our most prolific writers. Enter: Malenah, aka @mhunter10​!

GT: Ok, first of all, I've got to say, I'm so happy you agreed to talk to me! I missed you! How have you been?

M: Been up and down and dealing with some stuff, but I think I'm okay. I definitely miss writing.

GT: And we miss your writing. Is that why you stopped for a while, life just got in the way?

M: Yes, but also the fandom and show wasn't fun anymore. Tumblr policies got annoying and people weren't finding my stuff....people actively stealing my work and reposting without asking.

GT: Oh, that sucks. 😔 When did you join the fandom? And what made you want to? What was it about Shameless (or Gallavich) that captivated you?

M: Oof maybe 2013ish? 2015ish? Whenever Shameless first season was on. I actually didn't even have Showtime, I would literally sit on Tumblr and wait for someone to recap the episode or link a bootleg clip. I've always been into good queer stories as a queer, and Cam and Noel's dynamic was interesting and the sort of cute that makes you squeal like a little girl. 

GT: They've always had a lot of chemistry. Did you start writing fics right away? What made you want to start?

M: I was actually writing for another fandom/couple for a while way before Shameless. For Gallavich I was mainly just making headcanons that sometimes turned into drabbles. Eventually I wrote longer fics and started posting to AO3. I'd respond to someone else's headcanon or idea with a short fic.

GT: A lot of people still do that nowadays. That was one of my favorite things about your fics, actually, the fact that most of them were short and I could get my quick Gallavich fix without compromising my lack of a long attention span. 😅

M: Haha I was the queen of the drabble.

GT: What fandom were you writing for before, if you don't mind me asking? Was it the first you wrote fics for?

M: A soap opera called As the World Turns😅. I was writing fic when it was still airing new episodes in the middle of the day on CBS. I wrote for Luke and Noah and the fics are archived somewhere on the internet forever.

GT: Was it also the first fandom you read fics for?

M: I think so? Lol that sounds right. I also wrote some fics for Eyewitness, the US version.

GT: Let me backtrack, because we went straight into your experience with fandom, but I want to also know a bit about you. Please tell us a bit about yourself. 

M: Oh Haha well I'm 30. Black, bi, live in Maryland. Have a bachelor's and currently getting my master's. Write, paint, sculpt, collect, read, work… mostly work. Work work work. Fall is my favorite season. Libra. Currently have 8 tattoos. Live with my partner, 3 years together. Umm...I've got arthritis and hip dysplasia so lol....anyone wanting to murder me now has everything they need to know and opportunity.

GT: Hahahaha That was very in-depth, indeed! What's your masters about?

M: Organizational Sciences.

GT: I don't know what that is, but it feels like something I should study. 😅 What is it? And do you already work in that field or are branching out?

M: It's akin to industrial psychology...basically, how workplaces work and how to improve the work environment. Definitely has a lot of intangible skills everyone should have an understanding of if you work. It's very meta sometimes lol. Leadership, communications, change management, negotiation, etc.

GT: Oh, that's interesting! You mention you also paint and sculpt? Talk about a well-rounded artist! What got you into those?

M: I've just always been artsy fartsy crafty.....schmafty. Fun fact: walked out of my pottery class first day cuz the professor rubbed me the wrong way....took ballet instead. I'm mostly a painter but I have a lot of little things I've made out of clay just for fun.

GT: Like what? 

M: Mostly small food 😆. I paint whatever. I was an instructor for about 2 years.

GT: If you feel comfortable, could you maybe share a pic or two?

GT: They're all beautiful, but the one with the blue-haired woman is GORGEOUS! 😍

GT: Let's talk about Shameless. Do you have a favorite season and/or episode? 

M: Yikes, I honestly don't remember much but definitely before the whole show went off the rails. I think 1-4 are standouts, maybe 5 or 6. I only really stayed for Gallavich. 

GT: I feel you, I actually stopped watching after S5.

M: Trevor was the worst.

GT: Why do you say that?

M: Not the actor ,obviously, but the whole storyline was not done right at all, imo. The whole jesus stuff was stupid. Frank continuing to live was stupid. All the stupid and inconsistent decisions compounded into me not giving a shit anymore.

GT: Did you actually watch all the seasons? Because I myself skipped S6 to S9. What did you think of the ending?

M: The ending I saw was the wedding stuff, but I haven't watched anything after.

GT: Do you intend to or will you just consider the wedding the end and that's it? Either way, what did you think of the wedding? Or the fact that there was one. The early-seasons fan in me was in shock it even happened. Once Mickey came back for 9x06, I figured that was as good as it was going to ever get.

M: I knew they would do it. They baited us, kept us on the hook and reeled us back in with the Gallavich crap. I thought the wedding was fine, didn't understand half the people there. Oh wait I also watched some of the stuff with them in the apartment and trying to adjust to that which was actually pretty interesting. I didn't really keep up after that, just saw some gifs here and there. I think they had sex in an ambulance with a dead person? I don't really understand why they have to keep doing illegal stuff. I refuse to believe Fiona would not even show up or call or check in, but I understand why Emmy wanted to cut full ties with the show

GT: I agree, I never understood why not have Fiona keep in touch, or just have one of them mentioned she called. But it's the same thing they did with Mickey at the end of season 5. Instead of cutting Noel from the show, but still having Mickey be somewhat present through mentions, they decided he'd be arrested AND Ian would break up with him. And then they mentioned things about him that weren't true. That made no sense at all. How would you have written their ending if you got to choose?

M: I've written their ending lol; just a short fic reimagining the day after the wedding. I liked the apartment stuff. I would've written them trying to find Mandy eventually leaving the show due to a positive sign she wanted to reconnect. They need to leave the Southside. But during their search, Mickey goes to school. Maybe some shenanigans ensue, but ultimately he does well enough to graduate. I'd see Ian writing a book.

GT: Ian writing a book? That's something I never thought of. A biography or fiction?

M: Maybe a memoir.

GT: What about other moments of the show? If you could change one thing the show did with them, what would it be? 

M: Everything. Anything I ever had an issue with, I usually turned into some sort of fic in retaliation. I did a fic rewriting their meeting at the docks, and also one where Ian finds Mickey in Mexico. I did one of when Ian came home from the hospital and Mickey is taking care of him, but ends up helping Fiona with some chores. 

GT: Ok, but if you could only choose one? Sophie's choice, I know. Well, reverse Sophie's choice. 😅

M: Idk I'd redo all the stuff with Yevgeny and not make Mickey forget all about him.

GT: Great point. Just one more thing that doesn't make sense in this show. Ok, now let's talk fanfiction. What kind of fics do you write the most? I mean, I know you're the drabble queen, but what else?

M: My fics range from absolute crack fucking with the readers, to gut wrenching, to smut, to whatever passion project I think 2 people will read. I've written some lengthy stuff. Two wips I'm ashamed to admit I forgot where I was going with them as the reason I haven't updated them are White Coats and, by far my most popular fic, The Sugar Daddy. I also have several series going with trans Mickey, fratboy Mickey, geek Mickey, etc.

GT: I can relate, I also have a WIP I don't know how to continue. I have the plot planned, but... I don't quite know how to get there. Do you have a personal favorite among your fics, one that you were especially proud to write?

M: Definitely The Sugar Daddy, but they're all my babies to some extent, even the less popular and early ones. I liked writing pregnant Mickey. And I like some of my fantasy spins, like Mickey meeting Santa lol, and Ian in Oz.

GT: If you had to rewrite a fic you wrote, which one would you choose and how would you change it?

M: I have over 400 fics so I know I myself am forgetting a lot of them lol.

GT: I have way less and I forget mine too, so I can only imagine. 😁

M: When I come across an oldy it's always fun to read it with fresh eyes haha. I don't think I would rewrite any.

GT:  No regrets, huh?

M: Pretty much.

GT: Fair enough. Now, you said it yourself, you have A LOT of fics out there. Where do you get your ideas from?

M: I tend to write in a zone so whatever I put out there is what I wanted out there in the moment. I have an idea and just go with it and see how it comes together

GT: You said you write in a zone. How do you get in that zone? (asking for a friend)

M: I've had somewhere I just could not figure out how to get it out of my head in a way that makes sense so those just never see the light of day or they find their way magically into something else. It's probably an undiagnosed adhd thing but I hit a groove and can keep going as long as I'm excited. That excitement is generated by how much I think what I've written is going to make people shit their pants. I have a fic titled Ian Snaps Mickey's Neck. 

GT: Lol that sounds like a good motivator. So I'm assuming you don't plan your fics much?

M: Not like pages and pages of details before I even begin, but I know major points and how I want to lead up to some of them. That's not to say I'm not just winging it most of the time. Sometimes I'll come up with something better or different based on reactions if it's a multichap. Prompts are a little tricky sometimes cuz the person is expecting the thing so you need to do the thing. 

GT: What about research? Do you do any before or during writing?

M: A little if I want to make sure I'm saying something correctly, either words or phrases. Places sometimes, or if I want to actually describe something specific. For example, in the Sugar Daddy I have a few links to items Ian gets Mickey just to add to the visuals but I'm not expecting everyone reading to care enough about the minutiae of how much it costs to take a bus in Chicago. I stick with what's relevant and if I think people will get the point without me turning in a research paper. 

GT: Do you have a preference for writing from Ian's or Mickey's pov?

M: No preference just whatever the story calls for [whose pov do I write more, it's definitely Mickey].

GT: Do you write other characters aside from Ian and Mickey?

M: I've written a couple fics that include other Shameless characters and definitely some original characters. 

GT: Which Shameless characters do you write more often? Do you write fics just about them or only include them in your Gallavich fics?

M: Ian and Mickey for sure, others as needed for the story but I know I've done a fic from Debbie's perspective a long time ago? Or Carl....

GT: You mentioned you sometimes include OCs. How do you create them? Do you base them on real people?

M: No, definitely not. I mean, if there is any originality in an original character anymore ie. typical archetypes. I at least try to make them their own character and not just an npc.

GT: You write a good deal of mpreg, a trope that a lot of people don't like. What attracts you to it?

M: Hahaha a good deal? I wrote 2 at the most. To me it's just another way of writing something. I've read some weird shit that I definitely would never write myself.

GT: Really? It was more in my mind. 😅 What are some tropes you enjoy writing?

M: I like writing scenarios that actually happen to me sometimes. Makes things feel more real. I guess I subscribe to the usual angsty stuff. But I genuinely like writing fun and sweet, sexy and loving, intimate.

GT: Is there anything you think you could never write?

M: Incest, child stuff, dom/sub, animals.

GT: Do your preferences apply when reading as well? What kind of things do you enjoy reading about?

M: Haha I've stumbled into some fics where I'm not sure if the subject or the writing turned me off more.

GT: Like what? What makes you quickly hit the back button?

M: If it's great writing, I might skip around some bits. Otherwise yeah, I'm not reading anything that I'd have to announce to a room at gunpoint. But that's for my own peace, some things just should not be written.

GT: One more thing, out of curiosity: where does your url come from? I get the M from your name, but why hunter10?

M:  It's my last name and birth month and username for everything because I'm a basic and terrible person 😆.

GT: What are you currently reading?

M: The one where Ian is the reading tutor and has a cat, Paragraphs by @palepinkgoat​. I also like their other stuff and am always extremely jealous, feel free to mention that haha.  Jealous and supportive, but still… lol. And I really do want to finish The Sugar Daddy but for now I'm going to get back into writing slowly with updating some of my series. Before that I was reading Deaf Group by @thevioletjones​, another fav. Unfortunately a lot of my list is orphaned, deleted or no updates since 2015.

GT: Yeah, a lot of people left the fandom around the time, which is sad, but understandable. I understand orphaning your fics, and of course shit happens, so abandoned WIPs are normal, but I don't get the reasoning behind just deleting something you created, unless you later realized it was in poor taste. But well, to each their own. Ok, so I was going to ask you about your plans for more, but you've already said you want to finish The Sugar Daddy. Any other plans? 

M: No other plans really. I always think I'm going to write this idea I've had but I'm not skilled enough to do it

GT: And finally, leave a message for those reading this interview, please.

M: Ehh....hi,this is Malenah and you're watching Disney channel.

Idk. Be careful, be safe, be aware of your surroundings. I love you.

Drink some water and keep going.

[hebezunet]

also, since i am... 100% certain that the chip twitters aren't coming back, i wanna take a few minutes to talk about my experience as a mod for one of the characters (since i doubt it's any surprise that I was one lol)

firstly, i'm not revealing anybodys identities here other than my own, because everyone has fully moved on from the project and don't wanna be assocciated in any way with it anymore. i'm making this post mostly for myself and maybe 2 other people so even if you have inklings of who the other mods are, don't look for them. they will not be happy

with that out of the way-

if it wasn't supremely god damn obvious by this point, i was the most recent mod for bert. from like... what, may 2020? that whole big arc where he got out of the bertputer, that's when i started. definitely a lot of weight on my shoulders with that one.

despite how much i had fun writing for bert though... this whole project was really a nightmare from beginning to end behind the scenes. before we (the new team) could even start actually posting and writing stuff, there was a whole kerfuffle getting the keys (account log in info) from the old team. had to even get david involved for a few things, which we really hated doing just cuz we didn't like bothering him. the old team was also... well, its own thing. i've kinda blocked out most of what happened regarding that but what i do know was that it was very mentally taxing trying to get rid of the old guys and get us logged into the new accounts.

people also certainly had... mixed feelings about the direction we tried to take things in. we were handed a story that was already extremely jacked up with its own weird baggage attached and had to make do with what we could. the story beats set up by the previous team were really hard to work with and we genuinely just did not agree with some of the characterization that was happening. namely bert and otto, they were... something. so, we tried our best to work with it and find justifications or explainations for certain behaviors and actions. i do know for a fact that there were people that did not like what we did with bert, especially. remember seeing stuff saying that we 'aged up' bert for the sole purpose of shipping him with rotten which... is not at all what happened. he was already a grown up character, in his late teens or early 20s, but the previous team had infantilized him to such a degree and for so long that that was just what people knew. we ended up justifying this by basically diagnosing bert with trauma induced age regression. it's a little complicated and a little fuzzy to recall, but that's the intention we were going with, at least.

we did originally have bigger plans for these characters and their arcs and everything, but the team was losing interest and everything surrounding it was genuinely sending some of us into mental crisis. it made us all distance ourselves really far from the project and not wanting to touch chipspeech as a whole with a 10 ft pole. a lot of this stemmed from the sovereign station server too, it was fine like 80% of the time, but shit got weird in there. if you weren't in there then like, good. you've saved yourself the headache. but overall, pretty much everyone has moved on and is doing their own thing now. there's been a few mods that I don't talk to anymore due to other circumstances, but I'm still good friends with a handful of them. they're doing much better now, too.

long story short, the characters just... aren't gonna be coming back, as far as I can tell. it's been pretty obvious due to the 2+ years of radio silence, but just to put the nail in the coffin. i still believe that the twitters are a great springboard for your own interpretations, and that's kind of another reason why we stopped. these characters can honestly be whatever the hell you want them to be. making a rigid sort of canon to apply to them is a little silly, especially when it's a bunch of young adults roleplaying that canon on twitter dot com. do whatever you want. it was a fun enough ride while it lasted.

that being said though, i personally still hold chip near and dear to me. strong interest has definitely faded, but i still like making covers occasionally and drawing the guys and silly stuff like that. i have a lot of myself to thank for chipspeech, and that's not changing, despite the horrors that we faced. thanks for reading all this if you did lol.

and bert is best boy im DYING ON THIS HILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[the1975attheirverybest]

Hi Could you explain the joke behind Matty's tweet I want to get it haha

For reference, here it is.

On the surface level, the joke is making a contrast between “Boygenius” and “girlretard” like ‘oh they’re a group of women musicians who called themselves ‘Boygenius ok so what’s the opposite of that? The opposite of boy and the opposite of genius.” Hence the girlretard name that he and George are going to call themselves.

But that’s not the real joke. That’s the joke that most people are mad at him for. Cuz he used “retard” casually. Lots of people consider it a slur because it was/ is often a term used to degrade and derogatorily describe neurodivergent people for not having brains that are neurologically functioning the way that neurotypicals do. For instance, *I* was called that by teachers because I have pretty bad ADHD (fun fact, I failed high school. Twice.) which made it difficult for me to focus in class or do the in-class exercises on time like the rest of my classmates. Of course the stigma comes a long with pretty horrific consequences like the history of mistreatment of people who are deemed “retarded.” De-humanizing them, isolating them, subjecting them to cruel medical experiments, etc. (just to clarify “neurodivergent” isn’t just ADHD applied to folks, but that’s a more common example. Autistic folks and most “brain disorders” that stem from ones neurons being wired differently, therefore causing one to function differently in ways that are deemed aberrant by social normatively, are included under the “neurodivergent” category).

This is why the term “retarded” is considered socially unacceptable now. It has violent and discriminatory connotations often enacted by so-called “normal” folks upon people who don’t fit the mold.

So, when people saw the term in Matty’s ostensible joke, they got angry. Because, in those peoples eyes, he’s using the term casually and carelessly by using it as an antonym for “genius” in the same way that “girl” is the antonym for “boy.” (It’s actually not cuz that’s not how gender works and yet we seem to be totally chill about it as a society but that’s a different convo)

But Matty isn’t using it using it in the same way that he’s using “girl.” 1. Because the joke itself is aware of it being offensive (that’s why Lucy stopped talking to him in the joke). But for many, many, many, other reasons. Off the top of my head here are a few:

1. Boygenius have talked about how the name of their group is based on how previous supergroups like theirs, often the ones consisting of male musicians, get glorified and celebrated for their individualistic style and their specialness which is regarded as genius, whereas women artists never get that treatment. So, their name is intended to signal the intention behind forming the group. Which is to make space for themselves as women, and as queer women especially, and to occupy that role and to find confidence in saying that women artists, queer artists, deserve to be seen as valid, extraordinary, celebrated for writing and singing about their experiences as legit experiences just the same way that men feel so boldly comfortable doing. (That’s why their album is called ‘the record’ and same with their film, and why they dress that way etc etc) SO by making the joke that he does Matty is making fun of presumptuous entitled men.

2. He’s also making the joke that men’s “specialness” equals genius now because patriarchy regards the straight white male as the average norm. Whereas “retarded” shows that we privilege only certain types of specialness. Like if these “geniuses” where taking too long to do their in class math exercise their reachers would’ve called their moms like “your kid is retarded.” But they just happened to be really good at music.

3. The joke is designed to stir shit up because it’s self-aware, posted online, written causally, with the intention of upsetting people. But you’ll only be upset if you don’t get it. And you can only not get the joke if you focus on the word “retard” and not on the context, meaning, intention, who’s saying it (Matty; a person with ADHD, past addiction, anxiety etc), why it’s being said, and so on and so forth. Meaning, if you read it and don’t get it, you’re literally being made fun of by the joke itself. Like you’re proving it right. Proving that the problem with woke culture and online outrage is that we have become sooo hung up on labels (hence his use or a label in the joke, btw) and individual words and shit that we have turned into extreme literalists. We take every word individual and cannibalize and brutalize meaning. That’s not how language works ffs.

4. He is using a dispute over labels to highlight the hollowness of labels.

5. He’s commenting on peoples mistaken perception of him as an evil troll by getting people to react to him as if he’s an evil troll.

Also this is setting up whatever the duck SATVB plans to do. So, yeah.

Anyway hope this helps.

[killerandhealerqueen]

for the fic writers asks: 7, 11, 17

for the love your fandom asks: 4, 5, 10, 16

Thank you bby, love you! 🫶🏻

7. Any worldbuilding you’re particularly proud of?

I'd say the worldbuilding in my most recent fic For All Eternity. It's a xianxia and xianxias aren't exactly that easy to write, in my opinion, so I'm happy with what I was able to do with this fic

11. Are you partial to a certain character/pairing or are you more equal-opportunity? If you are partial to any character/pairing, why do you think that is?

I'm more partial towards certain pairings, but I never stop people from shipping what they want to ship. I'm not really a crack-shipper nor do I see the appeal of some ships that a lot of people like and I think it all just comes down to preference and what you like in a ship

17. What highly specific AU do you want to read or write even though you might be the only person to appreciate it?

Hmm...I mean, you take a look at my Killer and Healer fics and you'll see that they're pretty much all aus that I'd want to read but I think maybe...a Pacific Rim au? I haven't done that yet for any of my fandoms and I think it'd be good. But sci-fi is something that I'm not...really great at so it would definitely be on the back burner for a long time before I ever got around to it.

question for fic writers | send me asks

4. say something nice about a ship you don't ship (it can be another ship in your fandom, a mutual's OTP, etc)

While I don't ship Yohan/K, I get why people do because like...the devotion, the pining, the one-sided unrequited love...I get it

5. something you see in fics a lot and love

Hm...when I'm reading a fic that's not mine, I love seeing how passionate authors are about their aus and how in-depth they go for them. Cuz like, I do that and I love seeing authors just got fucking ham

10. a blog (mutual or one you follow) that has made your fandom experience brighter

Oh, there are so many...but I guess one that I have to give a shout out to is @kpopfantasywriter because jiejie really is the person that I could go to and bounce ideas off of and vice versa and she's just made writing and fandom and headcanoning just...fun. But there are so many people who have made my fandom experience brighter and better and I just can't thank y'all enough

16. a tiny detail in canon that you want more people to appreciate

I guess for Killer and Healer is that Sun Yongren, while mainly being comic relief, is also really smart. He's a part of Jiang Yuelou's duo, him and Song Rong. They are his closest and only subordinates. And Jiang Yuelou doesn't work with stupid, so the fact that he's a part of Jiang Yuelou's team means that he's not stupid. (Though you can't tell that he's smart cuz sometimes he just says really dumb shit and next to Song Rong, he looks dumb so...but still! He's smart! Just does not have a good brain to mouth filter)

✨ love your fandom asks ✨ | send me asks

[multifandom-re-write-01]

Relationship with WayV

Kun is quite close to Nari since she also helped him when he first came to Korea

Close like siblings - and it's not really clear who would be the 'older sibling' because they treat each other equally. Like, one would nag the other and vice versa, depending on the situation

Since they're quite close and work well together, they are like WayV's parents or the older siblings for the other members

Kun is grateful to have Nari helping him with the leadership role since she has experience and because she looks intimidating in general, it would make people listen to her lol

Both love to chill together in each other's studios to produce some tracks

Kun is the main one out of the two that does the cooking, and he's always happy to cook something up for Nari whenever she comes to the WayV dorm for a visit, or to stay for their comeback era - since he knows how tired and exhausted she can get with many schedules from NCT 127/WayV/SuperM

Sometimes Nari will do the cooking though, cuz even he can get exhausted looking after the other members (you know how chaotic one can be)

Most conversations in WayV go like this: "Kun-ge, can YangYang and I go outside?" "Did you ask Nari-jie?" "...no." "Go ask her first." "Nari-jie, can Hendery and I go outside?" "Did you ask Kun?"

Yeah, when these two are together and in a playful mood, Kun is on his own HAHAHHAA

Ten low-key brings out Nari's wild side - her wild, sexy side

Always hype each other up in whatever they're doing (so, similar to the Johnny x Nari besties relationship, except the sibling part)

They like hanging out together whether to just chill and relax, or do art/dancing together

The two are pretty close as besties, they can talk about anything - even relationships - so if Nari wants to talk about her relationship problems, Ten is there to listen and give advice, vice versa

When it comes to severe situations though, they can become serious and work well together - especially when it comes to helping their members or other people, they work well together

Ten was raised with his mother and sister, so he has major respect for females - especially for Nari. So if something bad were to happen to Nari, he would not like it at all - will fight anyone for Nari

Those two are like, the cliche, chaotic besties that some people would wish to have, but at the same time, stay away from

WinWin doesn't like physical affection much, but just for Nari, he will accept it - especially since she did help him a lot with the Korean language, and always made sure to make him feel comfortable and involved. And there's also the fact that she doesn't show much physical affection to people, so the fact she is giving it to him is an honour. (Fun fact: WinWin found her scary at first lol)

Looks to Nari a lot for guidance and support when it comes to being in Korea and working in Korea - but when they're in China, he's dang confident and is the one more likely to guide and look after Nari since it's more his area

Although he seems 'shy' and 'meek' in Korea, he will defend and protect Nari if necessary - and he's much bolder when in China

When it comes to the younger members like Chenle and Renjun, the two of them really work well together to look out for them - those two Dreamies look up to Nari and WinWin a lot, actually

Nari really loves his dancing, and she and Ten are always hanging around WinWin, wanting to try contemporary dancing

Nari is the one that knows WinWin the most and is closest to WinWin - she is the one that he would go to for anything and everything, and he is one of the few that calls Nari by her Chinese name.

Also, the two love to annoy Yuta when they give each other attention rather than to the Japanese man - they know they have Nakamoto Yuta wrapped around their finger hehe

WinWin knows that he can go to Nari for support, encouragement, and love in anything he does

A/N: Don't have to read it if you don't want to. I'm not going to be writing about him in future posts, only mentioning him here and that's it. The only time I'll mention him is probs for NCT World 2.0, or old posts, but that's it.

Lucas really acts like a younger brother when with Nari - lowers his guard and really clings onto Nari and wants to hang out with her like a younger brother

The only time he seems 'older/mature' is when Nari's life is in danger or is threatened or something - he kind of becomes her bodyguard, lol

People actually see him as just a 'giant goofball', but Nari knows the true Lucas who is very passionate, caring, and thoughtful about the things around them

So whenever they're doing an interview or something, Nari makes sure to speak up about how Lucas is more than just his looks

Whenever they do variety shows together in China, he's always looking out for her and making sure she's doing okay

Modelling duos - the only one Lucas will acknowledge who has higher visuals than him loloolololol (either that, or he faces Nari's wrath cuz she knows for a fact that she has visuals)

“I am the most handsome in NCT/WayV, but Nari is the most beautiful one. Together we are BOOM!”

You know how Xiaojun found Yuta intimidating? Same when he met Nari. Nari first met him when she was walking past a practice room and heard his beautiful vocals and original lyrics; he was a nervous wreck at first when she approached him but warmed up to her soon enough.

The two love listening to movie soundtracks together, as well as songwriting and producing music

One expresses their true thoughts and feelings through songwriting, so the two know each other's inner thoughts quite deeply

He really leaned on her when they debuted, always looking at her and listening to her tips and advice, sometimes hiding behind her if someone says something rude and would silently encourage her savage side to come out

At the same time, she's also like a nagging mother to him when he's not doing the right things - like eating snacks instead of proper meals or playing too many video games with YangYang

“I told you two to clean your rooms!” “It’s not like you live in there!” “And I don’t want you guys running to me asking where your stuff is, because you can’t find it among your messy room!”

We all know how clumsy he is, so you bet Nari is always hovering around, trying to look out for him and make sure he doesn't hurt himself or break anything in her tsundere way

He, in turn, helps her with songwriting, singing, and just being there for her when needed

Sometimes his weirdness concerns her, but at the same time, he can bring out the weirdness inside of her. She wishes sometimes that she could be like him and show her true self rather than the cold appearance she gives out all the time

Since he already has three older sisters, it's easy for him to lean on Nari and treat her like family (though to be honest, he finds himself closer to Nari than his family by JUST A TINY BIT, and that's only because she understands the struggles of being an idol with him)

But to be fair, he is quite close to her because when they were on Dream Plan and Hendery's ranidaphobia (fear of frogs) was shown, Nari was one of the main members that helped calm him down and yell at the staff - and you know when someone helps a person when they're vulnerable, you tend to have that closer connection with them...if that makes sense...

Yeah, Hendery is someone Nari definitely has to help Kun watch over with his craziness lol - poor Kun when Nari actually joins Hendery in the weirdness...

Hendery really admires how hardworking Nari is, and how much she helps NCT/WayV, he definitely looks up to her and finds himself sometimes seeking her approval in things he might be doing whether it's his rapping, singing, dancing etc.

Nari really likes his rapping and dancing though and finds herself going to him a lot when they record WayV tracks and comebacks, asking him how to do certain things that he is good at

Hendery feels quite happy and proud being able to be the one to help Nari when she asks

He's not as obvious as other members, but he is pretty protective of Nari and will protect her when necessary

Don't put YangYang and Haechan in a room together with Nari - they will annoy her so much that she will somehow find a way to disown them if necessary lol

Soooo mischievous towards Nari and Kun (but also include Ten who constantly calls YangYang his baby lol), they truly look like parents when looking after YangYang in WayV

But he does listen to Nari more than Kun, so when being spoken to seriously, he will listen to Nari. (Her intimidating looks helps her)

In all seriousness though, he felt touched when he found out Nari was learning German off to the side to have something in common with him for just the two of them - invited her to join his German classes in SM so they study together even though she is a bit behind compared to him

You bet both of them snickered when they would teach the other members sentences that weren't actually the sentence the members wanted to learn kkkk

When it comes to serious things, of course, he will listen to her and follow whatever she says - whenever they're somewhere new, most of the time he is right at her side, staying close to her - will full-on hide behind her small form if necessary lol

And since he is basically like another kid of hers, of course, she will protect him like a Mama Bear - and he would protect her back if necessary.

He may act all childish and lean on her most of the time, but if Nari is in danger, he will step up and protect her and look after her (swooning many fans when they see him protect his Noona ajajjaajjaja)

Masterlist

NCT 127 // NCT Dream // SungTaro // WayV // SuperM // Other Male Idols

[cogbreath]

thank u for ur reply!! i always love ur insight :) n ive read the article before LMAO now that was a classic example of his pretty privilege working cus if he didn’t look the way he did, his behaviour would’ve raised eyebrows. but no…he was viewed as a quirky silly guy by his roommate LOLZ. makes me wonder if mohammed atta would be viewed the same way if he were white passing.

anon you fascinate me im very very intrigued by the fact u already know so much abt this... keep sending asks its soo rare that i actually do get to talk to someone who already knows this much abt this. Anyhow I would reason to bet he might have been viewed more sympathetically if that were the case, however, in any case he was arguably more reserved and stoic by comparison so i think even if he was, people would be maybe a bit more suspicous with him, especially cuz fitting in seemed to come more naturally to jarrah for various reasons... atta never seemed to want to fit in more than he needed to in order to stay under the radar. I know that atta and jarrah did also butt heads abt this to some degree, i know that atta was suspicious that jarrah might even give up on the whole thing cuz of how he kept backsliding. I also think a lot of writers can "see themselves" in jarrah while they really cant with atta, he's an unfamiliar personality imo, specifically bc most writers in the anglosphere come from a secular culturally christian perspective. I think they r sympathetic to him because they start to realise that this sort of stuff really is something that "just anyone" could find themselves getting roped into thru means of being radicalised. Meanwhile I think they view atta as someone who already was quite "radical" at least in their eyes. of course, this is just my experience, but I've had many of my muslim accquantinces comment on how its actually quite a shame that atta took the path he did, because they feel he was otherwise quite promising, and might have made a good scholar or something along those lines. So thats the other side of things if you will. I think I can agree with that perspective myself. Of course its important to not get too engulfed in that mindset, because you can't forget they made the choices they did.

But yeah, there are many things about atta that Ive read about that i find to have been equally quirky and silly of behaviors, but i find myself annoyed how writers (even terry mcdermott does it in his book, perfect soldiers. which is a bit disappointing bc hes a writer who i otherwise rlly enjoy the perspective of on this) dont seem to think that way and paint it to be something as flaws or show of bad character when really, personality and behavior quirks have little to do with his actions. Yknow what i mean of course. Demonizing behaviors that have nothing explicitly to do with being a terrorist. You are really fun anon, its fun for me to get to discuss this stuff, the psychology/characteristics/behavior of those involved with the hamburg cell. its fun when i get to discuss it with more than just my super close friends. sometimes i get nervous ppl might think im trying to be a sympathizer/idolizer but i think i make it more than clear its not the case though xP. its undeniable that its a pretty understudied and underdiscussed facet of 9/11. U see it for other crimes and criminals but not really ever on this side of the fence. I feel its a case of dehumanization borne from islamophobia. Easier to get ppl to feel hate when you paint the perpetrators as faceless monsters. If u ever wanna dm me off anon u are super free to. Also, if you have anything to share that is interesting like a video or article or anything like that, feel free to send it! even if i have seen it or read it before, i would be eager to discuss my thoughts and feelings on it.

[jazzyblusnowflake]

Which brushes do you use for CSP 😳??

oh i always dreaded this question lmao-

ill be honest and clear cut with yall~

✨I have no idea✨

//wHEEze-

ok lemme explain, [tho if you dont wanna read all this just skip to the images in the end that i posted of my dumb self made and modified brushes] i have always used different mediums in my art~ ive used SAI, Gimp 2, CSP and occasionally Photoshop for the effects, filters and some brushes~ and i almost never remember where i downloaded them from because, first off, they were free anyway and i also almost always change them to fit my style beyond recognition to how they originally looked by default XDDD

MOST of my work is usually with SAI with almost the only brush i use in general for everything [ Inking, Coloring the edges, Shading, Lighting, and most other hand drawn shapes and hatching and etc ] is used with these settings. i never change it because i had years of experimenting to finally be comfortable with these and i will die a painful death if anything happens to my laptop before i could save these settings so i keep it in my art files just in case lmao~ [i do NOT like change and trying new stuff is2g i need therapy-]

HOWEVER when it comes to CSP i have had..... very depressing progress yay :D ... SAI in my experience has been a bit sucky in being able to handle large sizes and layers or anything else and having the possibility of crashing but the way it makes some things easy has been a MIRACLE for my lazy ass, i might have given up art before i ever even started if SAI didn't exist, but as how all EASY things usually are they start lacking in variety after a while, and i realized since one of my friends had bought me a CSP a long time ago, heck i might as well use it and oh my GOD the anxiety it induced ended me up with an IV and several trips to the hospital for injections to calm me down [and potentially temporarily blinding me] im not even joking. i mean yeah i was going through stuff back then that did NOT help my situation in general but the fact that CSP doubled my anxiety cuz i just couldn't draw with it made me have several existential breakdowns where i thought i will never be able to improve my art as a self proclaimed artist anymore because i had gotten so used to only working with what i found PERFECTLY comfortable to my own tastes that im just useless at getting used to anything else... so what happened was that i went on the most violent weekly spree of downloading any brush i could that even resembled REMOTELY to what i wanted- i also searched for brushes on tumblr or google or anywhere else- i watched so many CSP transition videos on youtube my brain was spinning and i was on a rout of self destructive agony to make this WORK. so now i have a bajillion downloaded brushes and all of them have spawned 20 other copies that i have aggressively modified beyond any sort of resemblance to what they used to be- it doesn't help that the file names and the brush names are different so i cant search for them either 😑

but if the brush names could help you in finding them uhhh, heres like.... 1/10th of the brushes i downloaded and modified that i actually did NOT go back and delete because they are fun to have around XD

have fun, //goes to cry in a corner-

[portablechemist]

So a huge thing I've noticed in the initial separation is that my partner was a FIEND for cleaning, which I knew, but like... everything all the time had to be swept, wiped down, straightened up, etc. He'd sweep 3-4 times a day - once in the morning, after every meal, and sometimes as we were watching TV at night. He said it was to help with his anxiety, but if I let him do it on his own for too long (i.e. a few days), he'd yell that I never helped him (which is so funny, cuz I did all of the other chores except vacuuming). My cleaning was never good enough - he'd alway redo it, following up a few minutes after I cleaned. I couldn't leave mail on the table for more than a day, or I'd get a "when is this going to be picked up?"

Now that I'm not there anymore, things can just be... messy. And I'm not talking about unsanitary - just lived in. There can be some spillage from the cat litter and the mat doesn't always have to be aligned under it. I can leave a glass of water out to use the next day. No one yells at me or makes me feel guilty if I leave a cup of coffee out on my desk overnight. My grandma leaves crumbs on the table and reuses our napkins from one meal to another. She's left bread on the counter for the last couple days! And yeah, we wipe down the table after we eat and she does chores on Thursdays, but like... I left a wrapper out all night and no one 1) noticed or 2) got mad at me for it.

I woke up this morning to the cats having torn into their dry food overnight, and they made a mess, and y'know what I did? Lightly chastised them and cleaned it up. If that'd happened with my partner around, he would have yelled about it all day - at the cats, at me - for "not preparing for this" or "being too lazy to not do something about it before it happened". It'd set him off, and the rest of the day would be markedly worse because of it. But instead, it can just be a thing that happened. The day can still be good.

I'm noticing other things too - like, after the first weekend, I'm sleeping better and getting up earlier. I'm having more fun out and about with people, both in the sense that I'm doing more and I'm having more fun doing it? I'm singing more. I'm not driving as fast. I have more patience with the cats during the day (they're menaces when I'm working). My acid reflux has calmed down. And yeah, I still feel guilty, but it's really dropped off. I don't worry that someone's going to yell at me for something I didn't know I'd done or interrupt a meeting to talk about something banal. I don't have to reassure somone six times a day that I do, in fact, still love them. I don't have to worry about having one thing on the calendar for the weekend and that being "too much."

A lot of this sounds really nitpicky. Normal relationship shit that annoys anyone. But there were also times where he would freak out for hours on end - tell me how he didn't love me anymore, was thinking about getting a divorce, wanted to leave me. How - during the midst of my chemo treatment! - I was a child and couldn't do anything for myself and was the worst of my siblings and he was only staying with me so they didn't experience another heartbreak this year. How he couldn't control any of the shitty (and eventually, as I realized, abusive) stuff he said or did. How it was asking too much of him to ask him to stop hitting walls or himself, cuz how else was he supposed to get out his anger? His therapist said he needed to be able to express his feelings. Come to find out he'd never told his therapist (or anyone in his intensive group therapy) I'd called him abusive, because he didn't want opinions of him to change. Because everybody hates abusers. Because he didn't see himself as an abuser. Because my opinion, my perspective, my feelings didn't matter as much as his did.

Turns out, when you've got a reputation for being level headed and nice to most people and perhaps you put up with too much, if you tell people that you're leaving your partner, their first assumption is "whoa, he must have really fucked up." Which, when you've spent at least the last 5 years doubting your own feelings and perspective, is very validating.