#fundamental needs

[iovec1ub]

[wordsofwisdomandsoul]

[azenta]

recently i've been trying to discern what thought and action patterns i display that impact my relationships badly, but i have a hard time correlating them to an enneagram type, so wanted to ask you to help me out a bit.

i'm a secretive and rather lonely person, so i often feel like being surrounded by a membrane which doesn't allow the world and other people to affect me. consciously, i want to break my barriers down for specific people, and so i do, which is why i never were actually alone, but it never helped with the loneliness inside. most relationships seem very fragile and merely scratching the surface of my carcass, while i have always been longing for something deeper and eternal. since eternity isn't possible, and most people can't get through to me anyway, it's unlikely i'll ever be happy, so i may just stop trying. i got so used to the idea of myself being alone that i sometimes try to sabotage the relationships i have myself, so we part ways on my terms before i'm too attached for the farewell to crush me down (being uncharacteristically cruel just so the person leaves or disappearing from social media so the person can't contact me no matter how hard they try). i loathe myself deeply, so when i put my guard down and reveal something personal, i feel intensely humiliated and cannot accept that people would still want me around after knowing such things about me, which, in turn, makes me suddenly distanced after an intimate conversation or an act of vulnerability. sometimes it gets to the point i want to disappear from everyone's lives without a trace. i guess i hate myself too much to let people in, since you can't have a connection with someone without being, well, yourself.

what enneagram type does it sound like the most? sorry for the long read and thanks in advance.

Tbw, this pattern is beyond enneagram. It's about fear of intimacy and emotional immaturity. The need behind this is also shared by every human being, again intimacy. Arguably, every type can experience this difficulty and most types are likely to use those tactics. The reason why they will use those tactics will vary however.

Know that I relate to those issues and see myself in part of what you shared. I also have known a 3w2 core who also ended up isolating themselves and ghosting people because of fear of vulnerability, shame and self-loathing. And I know a 1w2 core who also fall into this same pit when revealing about themselves and tend toward self-loathing a lot.

I can still see some more likely options for you, but I cannot say for sure which core it is. Disintegration must be taken into account in this situation, since it's a pattern that err more on the unhealthy (difficulty to adapt) tactics.

There are withdrawal elements in what you say, so it's either you got a withdrawn core (4,5,9) or a disintegration into a withdrawn type (1,3,8). The fact you speak of being hard to access and don't want people to access you (unless on your terms) let me believe you are most likely an Sp variant, more likely Sp dom, and again, lead me more toward a withdrawn core, as it is not just when you open up or feel threatened that you retreat into yourself.

You speak about humiliation as a reason to withdraw and cut ties with your relationships, so there are image issues for sure, either as a core, wing or into your disintegration (1,3,4,5 - 2 and 8 less likely since explosive/unfiltered anger doesnt seem in the portrait).

You speak of relationship and seem to have a concern about people and opening up to them, but you feel threatened when actually being vulnerable and tend to cut out relationships anyway just to prove yourself right, so this seem less in line with 2 and 9.

There is no particular mention of anger/gut issues, nor head/fear issues, only one isolated mention of humiliation which doesn't bring much weigh to image core either. Feeling threatened when opening up could be related to head issues, but nothing in what you told forcibly prove that either.

From that ask alone, the few relevant parts to indicate enneagram aspects points toward withdrawn core with potential image issues and Sp variant. The best fit is therefore 4 core, and since there are maybe head issues, wing 5 might be a good guess as well.

To get a more nuanced view, here are your most likely options that I would suggest to investigate:

4w5

5w4

4w3

3w4

9w1

4s have issues with identity and everything revolve around finding ways to find themselves, their true unfiltered self. Be it through others or through projects, activities, name it, whatever means that makes them experience themselves and their reactions. They can tend to wallow in their feelings a lot, because it is their coping way to feel in touch with the notion of identity (reactive type). A wing 5 can make them even more shut ins, and will make them rely a lot on their own understanding/knowledge of things to determine their next move or approach. This can make them more anticipatory and more careful in their approach, out of fear, especially of not being enough. This is also why this wing creates a 4 much more potentially anxious, self focused and prone to more depressive tendencies or self-loathing. Wing 3 have the beauty to create a certain denial about self-worth and create a coping mechanism of "better-than-you" attitude, despite the 4 core that can take pride even as being the worst bitch in the neighborhood.

Sp 4 are also much less typically flashy. They are more careful in how to come off or how to reveal their color. They will be more picky with who they reveal those colors or try to explore those colors. Sp 4w5 will be the most shut in this core can be, very difficult to decipher and unlikely to open up unless they aim to grow out of their defense mechanism or their soc or sx instinct incline them toward that end.

Those are really abbreviated version of what a 4w5 is, if you already don't resonate much with that, it's a good sign to explore the other options I gave. I could be wrong, that's for sure.

____

On another regard, I know you didnt ask for advices toward this pattern, but I cannot not comment on it. You can at this point stop reading if you want, since those can come off as unsolicited advices. Tho, I will generalize those advices to rather fit solutions related to the issue itself and not you specifically. So, if you have the impression I am extrapolating on stuff, it's because I am and I am diving the pattern itself.

Loneliness is a feeling we experience when we crave connection, but more specifically intimacy. It is often described as feeling "loved" and "accepted", which is also true in some way. But to get that need met, it demands to be able to open up and be vulnerable. However people often forget that to meet that step you need before to feel secure and safe. However, those cannot be fulfilled thanks to other people. The feeling of security depends on the sentiment of capability, or in other words, how much I believe I have the resources to face unsafe/threatening situations or people. This means how much I can rely on myself to get myself out of shit. This is where the fear of intimacy usually builds up, because people have a poor sense of security. Mostly because they got shitty experiences that make them have a very specific set of "resources", that are usually about "how to protect myself from people", which becomes unproductive when you want intimacy.

This lack of security leads to this self sabotage loop of "I hang with people, open up a bit, feel threatened (fear of getting hurt), cut off the relationship and run" or the complementary variant of " I hang with people, I open up, I get scared of being abandoned/rejected/etc. and start clinging because now I feel a connection and don't want to loose it because aforementioned fear". This lead to that kind of weird place where we don't want to open up, but expect people to "get us", but when they don't, we see it as a confirmation that there is no intimacy so it is pointless to pursue. It makes us neglect our relationship or even the potential of a relationship, since we end up projecting on people the outcome we fear, provoking a feeling of threat even before anything happens. Or even we can project the futility and lack of depth on people also because we ourselves refuse to dive in our own vulnerable spots. Thus why choosing to not open up is an excellent plan to not be understood and entertain distance between "them and I". Futile tactic. Good at maintaining security, bad at creating meaningful connections.

The solution to this issue is to learn to secure ourselves properly by learning the basic necessities that makes us feel capable, useful or simply autonomous. So, when we encounter people we have a sense of ressourfulness in case we meet people that aren't worth our time or are potentially more threatening to our survival than helpful.

Last note, some people will not get us, but sometimes people don't get us because we don't understand ourselves either. So, it's important to question yourself and wonder if you are not being the reason why people can't get you. As I said, sometimes you really are just not compatible with some people, but some other times, you really are the author of your own tragedy.

____

Gonna end up on that. If you want to dig more your type, feel free to add up, or if you have any other questions. Anyone is welcome to ask about anything said here too.

[despazito]

Telling young zoomers to "just switch to linux" is nuts some of these ipad kids have never even heard of a cmd.exe or BIOS you're throwing them to the wolves

[inkjette]

So at my workplace, we fund a Food Is Free shelf. It's the basics: take what you need, give what you can - our town has a high level of poverty, there's a cost of living crisis, be the good you want to see in the world etc etc.

Today we had a guy knock on the door and ask if we had a plastic bag he could use to carry a few things - I said sure, got him a plastic bag, and he started packing up his 2 rolls of toilet paper, his 3 or 4 foodstuff items. He said he'd been to a funeral out of town (1500 kms away) and spent his paycheck on fuel - he was only broke till Friday, he said.

And I said, well I'm glad we could help, it's why we have the shelf. We want the community to use it.

And he said:

But people ABUSE it! I've seen people take heaps of stuff from it - and they don't even have kids or anything. And it's fair enough, some people are struggling until the next paycheck, but other people just ABUSE it. You need a sign that says TAKE ONE ITEM ONLY or something. I've taken something from here maybe twice, but I've seen people coming round every week! I've even put stuff on the shelf! Yeah, you need CAMERAS or something. People abuse it.

So here is a man who is actively utilising a public resource that we created to support our local community...And yet he is so brainwashed by capitalism into thinking that people don't deserve basic needs - if they're not working hard, or maybe they're struggling but they don't have it As Bad as others, or they're using a FREE RESOURCE more often than HE thinks is acceptable. He thinks that we should use security cameras to crack down on people "STEALING" from the Food is FREE shelf. Like he's more worthy, like he's a better person, because he doesn't need as much help as others might.

Sometimes, when something is free, people might abuse it. But isn't it better to offer the support to people who need it? To offer an opportunity for people to get back on their feet (even if they're only broke till Friday)? To provide help, no questions asked and no conditions needed?

So what if people abuse it - isn't it worth it if helps someone?

[spicyraeman]

ya gettin what im puttin down?

[iiping]

Light of the Kshahrewar ✨

[mias-back-from-the-dead]

listen its been weeks and SEVERAL rewatches

and I STILL cannot get over the fucking beauty of the scene in nimona where the fire of her phoenix form LIGHTS up the hard light construct billboard screen thing depicting the tale of gloreth

like the sun bleeding through stained glass, apotheosis and sacrifice uncontainable within the limits of the story she's been cast into

It's such an indescribably perfect moment of the visual language of this world married into the narrative I just

[internal screeching]

[raptorrobot]

i feel like i'm fighting for my fucking life here

[tasmagor]

t4t dykes true love 4ever

[nonbinary-vents]

There’s been a distinct shift in how leftist Jew haters are starting to express their Jew hatred and it’s… very back to the old days, to put it lightly. It’s two specific things that I’ve seen. The more moderate stance of ‘it’s so terrible that the bad Jews are playing into Jew hating canards, how dare they!!’ which, just… ugh. And then you have the extremes, the ones who say ‘yeah, I hate Jews, but it’s their fault because of them being the scum of humanity’, it’s the ‘Hitler hated Jews for shit they didn’t do but I hate Jews for shit they did do!’ (a direct quote taken from someone who I can only describe as completely deranged)

And, honestly, seeing this shift has kind of broken me

At this point, there is no denial left. There is no going back. The pretences are starting to be dropped, people are becoming more and more comfortable with their Jew hatred being about Jews, and they’ve realised that it’s acceptable to say that out loud. All they need to do is say it’s our fault, and they get a free pass. We are fully back in the nineteenth century, all we’re missing is the ‘no dogs, no Jews’ signs (oh wait— what’s that about a bar in America banning all (((Zionists)))?) and the pogroms that go with it (oh no, what’s that about Russia, Dagestan, an airport, and a hotel?). We’re back in mid twentieth century Iran, where Jews are stuck between a country not yet legally aggressive to us, and all of the people in said country who want us dead

I don’t think things in the west are at the level of nineteenth century Europe yet, just in the style. But I’m also smart, I’m also connected to my history. My safta left Iran in 1951, at the age of ten, because her family saw what was happening. Ninety thousand other Jews in Iran saw it too. They caught on and they left. And then two decades later the revolution happened, and now our family can’t even visit without being executed. Many Jews have convinced themselves that we’ve assimilated, that were just like everyone else, that were safe. But we’re not safe. We are a people who have been persecuted and expelled and massacred for over two thousand years, it’s not going to suddenly stop now. And now that the people who are supposed to be fighting to keep us safe have started killing us, we have nobody but each other

I don’t think everyone should pack up and leave their countries right now. But I do think you should have a suitcase ready

[macdenlover]

i really can not stand the “fandom is so fun we’re all just projecting and making shit up” thing. because no i actually deeply admire the canon of my favorite media and all the intention and care and craft put into it. we are not the same.

[arsenicflame]

izzy getting adopted by them is EVERYTHING to me. fuck you youre part of our found family now, whether you like it or not. we have claimed you.

bonus: the way jim defends him here. theyre So mad:

[uncommonlearningstandard]

WHAT ARE FUNDAMENTAL NEEDS OF A CHILD?

WHAT ARE FUNDAMENTAL NEEDS OF A CHILD?

If a child’s needs are not met during developmental stages, a state of tension is created, and this will affect the behaviour of the child in the school and in the society in general. Physical needs The need for food and water The need for normal temperature The need for rest and recreation The need for love and attention The need for elimination of waste products from the body Personality…

[3lostyears]

until i recently read posts on here about how there is an inherent queerness to the doctor and rose's relationship in how it's unspoken and filled with yearning that i'd never really considered that element, despite knowing for ages that RTD is gay but. man. it's just reframed a lot of the series for me, like the idea that you have this lonely man who's just watched his people die and is self-destructive and misanthropic and traumatised and he can love again and he wants to but it has so many risks.

but especially S3 and how it adds even more weight to the doctor's grieving widower status. how he tells martha that he and rose were together but martha refers to rose as a friend to tallulah; the fact that he can only say they were together once she is gone; how the only other person that both can feel how he feels but also understands the depth of his feelings is jack, a queer man himself. and I've been thinking to myself lately oh, it's ok, the doctor and rose probably accidentally got married on at least one planet or something but also the point is that there was no official title that could convey to people the extent that they meant to each other, that the doctor can really only tell donna that rose was his friend even though it is so wholly inadequate and she comes to see that by the end of the episode (and martha too of course). how people who saw the doctor and rose together assumed they were a couple, like on krop tor, but once there's no more physical evidence of the relationship it becomes more vague (and simultaneously clearer).

anyway something about how christopher eccleston said he based his portrayal of nine on RTD and something about RTD saying that his husband is "in every good man i write now" and how the doctor and ruby seeing each other in the club mimics his first meeting with his husband aka the one moment he would use a time machine to go back to hmmm

[novelconcepts]

One of the most fundamentally interesting things to me about YJ and writing fic, specifically, is how the blame changes hands depending on the story. On whose perspective you're writing from. On whose story it is at a given moment. The very thing I dislike about viewers missing the point becomes so fascinating to me from within the narrative. Who are these characters when seen through the eyes of their peers?

Who does Jackie become? If you're Shauna, she's the love of your life, and your greatest rival, and the other half of your soul, and the person you blame for your dead dreams. If you're Van, she's the respected captain who earns none of your respect in the woods, the one who left you to die without blinking, the easiest target for teenage malice. If you're Natalie, she's competition for affection, the blabbermouth who can't leave well enough alone, the hands putting themselves to no good use. If you're Jackie? You're just a girl. You're so tired. You're so scared. You're losing face a little more every day, and you're made of despair, and you can't even trust your best friend. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Who does Lottie become? If you're Natalie, she's your direct foil, the splinter under the edge of your thumbnail, the smart mouth to match your own, the confusing amalgamation of normal friend and mad ritual. If you're Misty, she's the first shred of obvious power in months, a leader who might need to be nudged back into line, a fascinating exercise in hitching your wagon to the right star early on. If you're Taissa, she's flat-nuts and endlessly frustrating, she's got your girlfriend's full attention, she's incredibly dangerous. If you're Lottie? You're just a girl. You're so tired. You're so scared. You've built a pedestal you can't keep your balance on, and you're not sure if you're right or going crazy, and you didn't want this. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

From outside the narrative, there is no bad guy. There is no blame. It is no one's fault. It is Man v. Nature, they are doing the best they can with an impossible situation. They're all trying to contribute what they can to the story, for better or worse.

From inside the narrative, you are a teenager trapped in a society constructed entirely of bare-bones-survival with the wildest assortment of girls. From inside the narrative, to stay human, you have to love and fight, respect and judge. Every story changes the game. Every story shifts the blame. A hero in one has the bloodiest hands in the next. And that, to me, is such a thrilling sandbox to play in.