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schrijverr · 3 years

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'Till Death Do Us Part

Part 10 out 13

When Alex has to bring Philip to work, he and Thomas discover that they both have something in common: they lost their love. They form an unexpected bond and connection about this that grows into something more.

A medium burn with parental feelings about Philip and flowers.

On AO3.

Ships: Jamilton

Warnings: mentions of death and loss.

~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 10: Virgin’s Bower Means ‘Filial Love’

The three of them were sitting around the dinner table eating, when Philip asked: “Are you my dad now too?”

Both paused and Alex looked at Thomas with wide eyes, clearlynot sure how to explain that question while Thomas was frozen in shock. After a moment of finding his wits he choked: “Why are you asking, Pip?”

“When I was talking to Theo about how you guys love each other now and then she says her cousins have parents who don’t love each other anymore, but they have new people they love and they are her cousins parents now too, so since you two love each other now does that mean your my dad too?” Pip explained his thought process.

“Well, uh- I- Thomas?” Alex said, not wanting to make decisions for him.

“What do you-” Thomas started to ask Alex why the fuck he was shoving this conversation on him, before cutting himself off and taking a calming breath. This was not how he had imagined his evening to go when he said yes to dinner.

Philip just watched the two of them with a confused expression, not sure why they were being so weird about his question.

“I don’t know, Pip,” Thomas finally answered calmly, “I can never replace your Daddy, John, and I can never tell you how you should feel about me. It’s honestly up to you.”

Alex mentally thanked Thomas so hard for coming up with that answer, which saved them both from answering.

Sure, he would love to not be the lone parent for Pip, but he would never ask that of Thomas. He knew the other loved his son and Thomas had assured him often enough that he enjoyed taking care of him, but being a dad was a whole other step.

A step that was more commitment, both to Philip and Alex. So Alex could never ask it, Pip however…

“Up to me?” Philip asked.

“Yeah, kiddo,” Thomas nodded, “If you’re more comfortable with me being your Uncle that is totally fine, but if you want me to be your dad, then I’m up for that.”

Alex hadn’t known that, it seemed like Thomas had thought about it a bit more than him. He had suppressed the thought every time it came up, not wanting to get his hopes up only to be disappointed.

Thomas, on the other hand, had had the thought in the back of his mind ever since it had gotten serious. He knew that if this was long term, one day this decision would come. The only reason he’d never brought it up was because he didn’t want Alex to think he wanted to replace John and because it would make them that much more serious.

And he didn’t want to scare Alex off bybeing more intense, so since Alex hadn’t said anything, neither had he. Until Philip had brought it up.

Both watched Philip as he thought about Thomas’s words. Alex was glad that Philip seemed to take this serious and was actually contemplating it, instead of just rushing into making a decision. A skill he had picked up more from Eliza than him if he was honest.

“I’d like for you to be my dad,” Philip finally broke the silence.

Alex was both relieved and tense at the revelation. Would Thomas really be okay with it? Was he just pretending and was it now going to be awkward? But- but what if Thomas meant it? What if he wasn’t going to leave?

Thomas smiled and held out his hand for Philip to shake: “Then I’m honored to be your dad. Here, we’ll shake on it.”

Philip shook his hand enthusiastically, then said: “But I can’t call you Papa or Daddy, I already have those, but dad sounds boring.”

“Well,” Thomas offered, “I call my mom, Ma, so you could call me Da, if you want.”

“Da,” Philip tried it out, then grinned toothily, “Da is good.”

And with that it was apparently settled for Philip, who went back to eating his dinner as if he hadn’t just made a big change in their life.

Alex eyes searched for Thomas and when they met, he frowned concerned, then quirked a brow to ask: ‘You okay with this?’

In return Thomas did the smile that made his eyes crinkle and nodded, even doing a small thumbs up. Alex received the message: ‘Yes.’

With the confirmation Alex allowed himself to smile back. Though he had hoped, a small cynical part of his brain had never believed Thomas would agree to this, had never believed he wouldn’t be alone.

He knew he was selling his friends short, God knows he wouldn’t have been able to raise Philip the way he had if they hadn’t stepped up the way they did. All the times they picked up Philip, watched him, took him out for fun days, had saved him so many times, but they would never be John.

Not that Thomas could be.

It was just that Thomas came close, he was so different from John, yet in all the places Alex needed him, wanted him. He fit.

When Alex was tired, Thomas got up. When Alex was busy, Thomas made time. When Alex couldn't handle it, Thomas stepped up.

The dynamic was vastly different to what he and John had and Alex didn’t think he would ever find something like that. But that didn’t matter. Thomas wasn’t the same, but Alex wasn’t the same as he was back then either.

They worked well together and Alex would never want a new John, because no one could be a new John. Alex wanted a new chance at living the life, they wanted and he could see himself living it with Thomas.

Philip might be oblivious to how much he just did, but neither mind as their – their– son happily ate his dinner while telling them about the haunted slide at his school.

Later that evening, when Philip was tucked into bed, Alex checked in again: “Hey, I don’t wanna make things awkward and I am totally on board if you are, but I do have to ask. Are you truly okay with being a dad to Pip?”

Thomas paused to think. This calmed Alex more than he would think, but Alex appreciated it when people actually thought about his words before responding that way he knew they actually meant it when they replied, which was great when it was about emotional things. Which he was bad at.

“Yeah, I’ve always wanted to be a dad, honestly. And Philip is the best kid I could hope for,” he responded finally, “I also meant it when I said I don’t want to replace John. I’m gonna be me and I’m gonna try to do my best for Pip, if you let me.”

“God, every time I think I can’t love you more, asshole.”

“The insult and statement are really messing with me, du-” he got cut off by a kiss and when Alex broke he said: “I’m going to ignore that you tried to call me dude there, bro.”

“I hate you.”

“And I live to please,” Alex smirked, a smirk that fell ashe sincerely said, “I’m very grateful for what you do. With Pip.”

“I do it with love and I mean that,” Thomas dropped a kiss on his head, beforechangingthe subject, “Now Angie told me during lunch that you once claimed Money, Money, Moneywas ABBA’s best song and I’m going to need you to defend that statement, because that is clearly incorrect.”

“Oh and what do you think it is then?” Alex challenged.

“Waterloo, duh.”

“The historical bullshittery in that song alone is enough to disqualify your position, try again.”

“And your opinion is so great because…? Eh, riddle me that.”

“Money, Money, Moneyradicalized every young queer person who watched Mamma Miaand you cannot convince me otherwise.”

“Says nothing about the quality of the song, baby. Waterloois and remains superior.”

They squabbled while they cleaned up the kitchen, finally ending up in playing the songs, which then developed into a karaoke and dance party, but they will never speak of that again.

When they got to the office the next time, Alex stopped by Angelica’s office and leaned against the door. She looked up, unimpressed, and said: “What?”

“You know, if you gossip about my relationship behind my back, you really gotta learn how to pick your dates,” he told her condescendingly.

“What?”

“Developments happen when you’re away, sweetheart,” he started to walk away with a smirk.

“Alexander come back here and tell me,” she flew out her chair and hurried after him, “Alexander Hamilton, don’t you dare set another step without telling me everything.”

Thomas heard the ruckus and poked his head out of the door: “Are you terrorizing Angie again, Alex?”

“Nah, just extorting a cookie and free dinner out of her,” Alex smiled sweetly.

“Are those your demands?” Angelica asked sharply.

“Yeah, Philip’s eating at Eliza’s tonight, hope you have time,” Alex blew her a kiss before sashaying down the hall, when he passed by Thomas’s office the man rolled his eyes: “Menace.”

“Come get your cookie at coffee time,” Angelica called after him.

Alex saluted, before settling down in his office with a satisfied look on his face as he got to work.

The day passed by as Alex typed his documents, went to his meeting, ate lunch with Thomas, before driving to Angelica’s place where he told her everything that had happened yesterday.

At the end of the night he bid her goodbye: “Bye, Angie. It was nice to catch up again.”

“Yeah, the same, ‘Lex, don’t be a stranger,” Angelica hugged him and kissed his cheeks, before telling him to say hi to Eliza and Maria from her and to tell Eliza she’s rude.

The drive to Eliza and Maria’s home was uneventful, but when he pulled up to their house, Eliza was already waiting for him in the doorway. She had her arms crossed and when Alex was close enough to hear, she said: “Why did I get a text from Angie reading: ‘One of Pip’s dads is coming your way’ winky face, she typed a winky face, Alex.”

“And you really think I’m not here to tell you and pick up Pip, you think so lowly of me, ‘Liza,” he grinned.

“Oh thank God, thought I was going to force you to tell me,” she sighed with relief, Eliza was never one for forcing people. Though she could be scary if she wanted to.

“Didn’t Pip say anything? I’m surprised, he’s usually a talker,” Alex said, stepping inside.

As if on cue, Philip came running. He threw himself into Alex’s arms and said: “Papa! We had dino nuggets for dinner and I drew everyone, wanna see?”

“Of course I wanna see, buddy,” Alex smiled.

Philip bounded away to get the drawing and Eliza asked: “So what could he have said?”

“I think he will already tell you, did you ask about the drawing yet?” Alex replied.

“No, not yet. He’s been working on it ever since he got here, but he wanted to finish it first,” she said as she led him to the kitchen table.

“Ah, how are you and Maria, by the way?”

“Good, Maria is at the orphanage today, so it’s just me here. We’re doing a drama program in the weekends currently, so that’s a lot of fun,” she told him.

“Oh, wow, sounds fun. Are the kids enjoying it?”

“I think so. We got a few actors running around, that’s for sure,” Eliza smiled.

“Well, I’ll be sure to keep an eye on movies in the future,” Alex grinned back, “Angelica says hi to you both, by the way, and I had to tell you you’re rude. She’ll kill me if I forget.”

Eliza’s smile turned exasperated and she replied: “I’ll call her tonight, haven’t spoken to her in a while, you know how she gets.”

Alex chuckled at that, but didn’t get to reply, because Philip came back with the drawing. He put it on the table and climbed into the chair next to Alex, so that he could show his Papa the figures. It weren’t stick figures anymore and most of them were pretty recognizable.

Pip pointed at first figure and began to explain: “This is Grandpa George and Grandma Martha and they’re holding hands and next to them is Uncle Laf, he’s annoying Grandpa George, but he doesn’t mind.”

Alex saw that the drawn Lafayette had a speech bubble with senseless scribbles in it.

“And then on the other side you have Uncle Herc and then Auntie Maria and Auntie Eliza, Auntie Maria is giving Auntie Eliza a kiss, like she does whenever she leaves.”

“Is she going then?” Alex asked.

“Maybe, I don’t know yet, maybe I’ll add a portal behind her,” Philip answered, “Next to Auntie Eliza is Auntie Peggy, she’s poking you. You see Papa?”

Alex studied the figure that was meant to represent him. It was a green blob with his beard and long hair in a messy bun, who was holding hands with the figure he assumed was Thomas. The Peggy figure was indeed poking his cheek. He smirked: “I can see that, Pip. Very well done.”

“Thank you, I was gonna make Auntie Angelica next to you, but she is now standing next to Uncle Laf and being tired about his actions,” Pip explained, making the both of them laugh.

“Who is that?” Alex asked, spotting a figure in the sky.

“That’s Auntie Martha, Da said she’s dancing with the stars, so I drew her with the stars and here is Daddy with angels,” Pip told him.

Alex now recognized the colors as one of the dresses Martha wore in the pictures in Thomas’s house, then also the outfit John wore in the picture on the mantle piece.

He was a bit chocked up about it and was luckily saved from replying by Eliza, who repeated in a questioning tone: “Da?”

“Yeah, Da’s here,” Pip pointed to the magenta figure with big hair holding Alex’s hand, “He’s holding Papa’s hand and I’m in between them.”

“Do you mean Thomas?” Eliza asked, giving Alex a look that meant ‘you could have at least given me a bit of information’. She was piecing it together along with Angelica’s text.

“Yeah, he’s my dad now too, isn’t that cool, Auntie Eliza?” Pip answered excitedly.

“Very cool,” Eliza smiled, “When did that happen?”

“Yesterday,” Philip informed her with a smile, “I asked if he was my dad now too during dinner and he said I got to pick and I said yes, so now he’s my Da.”

“Oh wow,” Eliza glared at Alex. The message was received: ‘We’ll talk about this later.’

Alex just rolled his eyes and just focused on letting Philip explain the drawing in more detail, before getting them home.

While that was all happening, Thomas ate dinner by himself for the first time in a while. The house didn’t feel that much like home anymore and Thomas didn’t really want to acknowledge it, so when he had finished his dinner, he decided to call his Ma.

“Hello, this is Jane Jefferson speaking,” she picked up.

“Hi, Ma, how are you?” Thomas greeted her warmly, ever since his call after his birthday they’d been calling more and Thomas found their relationship improving despite the distance.

“Ah, Tommy, I’m good, I’m good, how are you?” she replied, then cheekily added, “How’s your loverboy?”

“Ma,” Thomas whined.

“What you never tell me anything, I can ask.”

“I do tell you almost everything,” Thomas refuted, “I’m actually currently calling you to tell you things.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I- uhm, I guess, I’m a dad now,” Thomas decided to start there.

“What?”

Thomas expanded: “Philip calls me Da, so that happened.”

“Oh my God, I officially have agrandson, how exciting,” his Ma gushed.

“I guess so,” Thomas chuckled.

“Am I meeting my grandson and my future son-in-law anytime soon or are you still not asking them?” she inquired.

“They’re also coming to Monticello this summer,” Thomas was glad he could answer that question this time, “And can you please not refer to Alex like that when we’re there.”

“And why not, is it not true?” Thomas could practically see his mother’s amused look.

“It’s embarrassing, Ma,” he was also not above pleading and whining.

“I’m not embarrassing.”

“You are very embarrassing.”

“We’ll see that when you get here, will you and Alex be sharing a room?”

“Yeah.”

“No funny business under my roof.”

“Ma!”

And they talked like that for a bit more. Thomas was both excited and extremely nervous to go home again that summer. He didn’t know if Alex and Philip being there made his nerves better or worse.

A while had passed between that call and the summer break. Thomas and Alex had worked a bit longer and Pip had spend a good chunk of time at the orphanage and his other Uncles and Aunties until it was time to go.

When the day came to drive down, Philip was brimming with excitement. It was a six hour drive, so they left in the morning, but that didn’t stop Philip from pointing out everything he saw that he rarely saw otherwise.

Thomas thought it was kind of adorable and listening to his kid’s rambling calmed him as did Alex’s even breaths from where he was napping in the passenger seat.

About an hour and a half into the drive Alex woke up with a small yawn: “H’w lon’ was I out?”

“Not that long,” Thomas assured him, while Pip said: “It was soooo long Papa, you missed so much by being boring. We drove past horses a while ago.”

“Ah, maybe we’ll see more horses later and I can see them too,” Alex smiled, “Want a snack?”

“You have snacks?” both asked in a different tone, Thomas curious and Pip excited.

“Of course I have snacks,” Alex got boxes with sliced apples out the bag by his feet as well as juice boxes and a water bottle. He handed Philip a few slices, twisted the cap off the water and handed that to Thomas, before giving Philip a juice box once his hands were empty.

They switched two hours into the drive, then again two hours after that, so that Thomas was the one driving the last part. As they drove they played word games with Pip and sang music.

It felt a bit like a road trip movie and Thomas cheeks hurt a bit from the smiling by the time they pulled into the driveway.

Alex gaped at the building and said: “I knew your family was loaded, but holy fuck.”

Thomas snorted, he was kind of used to that with the mansion they lived in. It was built in colonial style and old, he didn’t even know how it had gotten into the family, but it had. The sides were covered in small white flowers and on the porch an older lady sat in a rocking chair, waiting for them.

“Da does your Ma live in a castle with a dragon?” Philip asked as Thomas unbuckled him, while Alex grabbed their bags.

“No dragon, I’m afraid,” Thomas chuckled. Then turned to his Ma, who was coming to meet them, he pulled her into a hug: “Hi Ma.”

“Tommy,” his Ma replied, holding him tight, before letting him go and saying, “Aren’t you going to help your boyfriend unpack. I didn’t raise you like that.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Thomas rolled his eyes, taking a few bags from the back, smiling comforting at Alex. He knew that if he had unpacked first, she would have scolded him for letting her stand there. His Ma showed affection through toughness, it had taken a long while for him to see that.

Philip stared at this new lady with interest. She was older and darker than his Da, but she had the same eyes and grace to her. When she saw Philip staring she smiled: “And who is this young gentleman here?”

“I’m Philip, Philip Hamilton, it’s nice to meet you, Ma’am,” he stuck out his hand.

“How polite,” the lady smiled, “I’m Jane Jefferson, but you can just call me Mawmaw.”

“Mawmaw Jane,” Philip nodded to himself, “It’s nice to meet you. Do you own the house? Da says it doesn’t have a dragon, but it looks like it has a dragon.”

She chuckled: “No dragon, no. The most fierce beast you’ll find in there is Sir Poof, the cat.”

Philip pouted while Thomas grinned: “I take it none of my sisters are home, then.”

“Don’t get cocky, young man. Mary’s coming later. Now, I think there is someone you have to introduce me to, hm?” she replied.

Alex had been keeping himself on the background. No matter what he had said to Thomas, he was pretty nervous and wanted Thomas’s mother to like him, to like Pip. So he startled slightly when Thomas said: “Yes, Ma, this is Alex. Alex, this is my mother.”

“Hi, Ma’am,” he greeted, voice a bit higher than normal, “I’m Alexander, Alexander Hamilton, it’s an honor to meet you.”

“Jane Jefferson, same to you,” she smiled, she could see that the man was nervous meeting her, but she noted with amusement how both father and son had introduced themselves the same. It was clear who had taught the boy that.

“We got you these, Mrs. Jefferson,” Alex handed her the bonbons they had gotten her. Alex had wanted to buy flowers, but those would have gotten ruined during the ride, so instead they had gotten bonbons.

“How sweet, but none of that Mrs. Jefferson stuff. Call me Ma or Jane, alright?” she told him, taking the bonbons, “These are nice, thank you.”

“It- I- Thank you for your hospitality, Jane” Alex rubbed the back of his head.

Thomas watched quite amazed at this Alex. He had never seen this version of his boyfriend before. This Alex was awkward and unsure of what to do next, while also painfully polite. He decided to step in and save him: “We really appreciate the invitation, Ma.”

“Of course, of course it’s good to see you again, here I’ll show you where Philip can sleep, you two will share your old room,” Jane picked up on Thomas’s action.

They gathered their stuff and brought it to their rooms. Thomas’s old room was at the end of the right hall and Philip was staying in the guest room opposite of it, which Alex was grateful for as they set down their bags.

“You okay?” Thomas checked.

“Yeah, just more nervous than expected,” Alex admitted, “What if she doesn’t like me?”

“She will, I promise. You’re great and Pip is a sweetheart, she’s been excited about you two ever since she heard about you,” Thomas assured him.

“You think so?” Alex asked.

“I know so,” Thomas replied, hoping he wouldn’t have to come back on that, “Come, I’m sure you’d like something to drink.”

“Lord help me through this,” Alex sighed taking Thomas’s hand and allowing the soft squeeze Thomas gave to calm him.

“It’s gonna be fine.”

“Sorry, I know, I know, just scared it will go wrong, but I’ll be fine, really,” Alex said, unsure of who he was trying to convince, “Let’s just go drink something.”

Thomas held his hand all the way to the front porch, where Jane was sitting with Philip, cat on her lap. Alex could see from the way he sat that Philip was telling one of his many fantasy tales, while also trying to drink from a huge glass of lemonade with a straw in it.

Alex nodded a greeting to Jane when she noticed him, then ruffled Philip’s hair: “Hey, buddy, have you been nice?”

“Yes, Papa, I’ve been telling Mawmaw Jane about the Ranger Apprenticethat me and Da have been reading and aboutGeorge the Glitter Glue Man,” Philip told him with a grin.

“How nice Pip, have you thanked your Mawmaw for the lemonade?” he asked.

“I have,” Philip assured him.

Jane confirmed: “He has, you’ve raised such a polite young man.”

“Thank you, it helps that he’s a sweet kid,” Alex smiled, talking about Pip was easy, he could do that in his sleep.

“He sure is, ain’t you, Philly,” she smiled to the boy, “Really, I’m afraid what Francie and Kitty’ll do to him.”

“Francie and Kitty?” Philip asked.

“My nieces, my second oldest sister’s twins,” Thomas explained, “She’s the only one of my siblings who had kids and they have been spoiled into oblivion by all their Aunts and Uncles.”

“They’re lovely ladies, don’t let Tommy get into your head,” Jane assured him, “They just have active imaginations.”

Alex didn’t want to blame two little girls for how Philip would act, but he also didn’t want to paint Philip to be a bad kid, so he just said: “Well, Pip has a very active imagination himself, so they’ll probably get along.”

“Am I going to meet them?” Philip asked.

“Probably, Mary said she’d come,” Jane assured him, “Now while my son gives our guest something to drink,” it was a bit pointed, “why don’t you tell me more about this Glitter Glue Man. What was his name again?”

“George,” Philip supplied helpfully, before retelling his heroic death by glitter bullet and his subsequent confetti revival by Theo.

Thomas took Alex to the kitchen and poured him a glass of lemonade as well with a small: “Homemade, Ma’s famous for it.”

Alex took an appreciative sip and said: “It’s delicious.”

“Ma’s lemonade is the best,” Thomas told him proudly.

“I get why,” Alex smiled, relaxing somewhat.

They returned to the porch and sat with them, Alex softly complimenting the lemonade, before listening to Philip talk. Alex felt slightly bad about clinging to Philip’s charms, but he cut himself a bit of slack.

When Philip had finished his story, he took a pause to drink some more and Thomas took that opportunity to ask: “Who’s coming?”

“Well, Mary and her girls are coming, her husband couldn't make it,” Jane said, then she went down the list, “Small Jane said maybe, but she had business,Martha, Peter probably not, Abby said no, Lucy maybe, Anna most likely, Randolph yes.”

“So only Randy and Mary are coming?” Thomas summarized.

“Yeah.”

“Wait, is there another Jane? Why is she called Small Jane?” Philip spoke up.

“It’s a family name, we call her Small Jane to keep track of which Jane we’re talking about,” Jane explained.

“That’s funny,” Philip said.

Alex was about to say something about the commentwhen Jane chuckled: “Ain’t it, Philly. Don’t you know someone who’s been named after someone else. Family does that from time to time, so that they can point and say; ‘hey that’s your namesake, ain’t that cool?’”

Philip thought for a second, then said: “Auntie Angie says Theo’s mom is also called Theo, but when I asked Theo, she says her name’s just mom. It’s confusing, but she can push really well on the swings.”

That made Jane laugh and she ruffled his hair and said: “We have a swing in the tree there.”

She pointed at a big tree and Philip’s eyes lit up and he looked back to Alex with big eyes. Alex smiled and said: “You can go swing if you want, just be careful. Want me to walk with you there?”

“I’m big, I can do that on my own,” Philip protested, but as he got off the bench, he did say, “Thank you, Papa.”

“Stay in sight?” Alex asked.

“I will,” Philip promised.

The three adults watched Philip bound over to the swings, then Jane turned her focus to Alex: “So, has my Tommy been treating you right?”

“Ma!” Thomas exclaimed, he had told her not to be embarrassing, not that he had expected her to listen, but still.

“Uh,” she shushed him with a finger, “I asked Alex a question, Tommy. I wanna know if you’re treating him right. So, Alex.”

Alex had expected a lot of questions, but not that one, so he floundered for a moment, before he found his words: “Yeah, yeah, it’s- it’s been good, he’s been good.”

“Yeah?” Jane nodded along with sharp eyes.

“Yeah,” Alex confirmed, “He’s a huge help with Pip and a great cook, actually. He also gets me flowers,” he couldn't have helped the smile on his face if he tried, “And I feel like we have great conversations.”

“Ahw, you love me,” Thomas grinned draping himself over Alex, it might have been an embarrassing question, but having Alex list off his good qualities in front of his Ma was an ego boost if he ever saw one.

“Like you didn’t know that, dork,” Alex attempted to push him off, but the push was light enough for Thomas to know that he didn’t mean it.

During the exchange Jane got an approving and pleased look on her face, before she moved on to the big hitters: “And what are your intentions with my son?”

Thomas gave her big ‘what are you doing?’- eyes.

However, Alex had gotten over his initial awkwardness and his usual way of words came back: “If I am honest, I would say grow old at some point. Though currently I am just enjoying spending time with him, figuring out what makes him smile, where I can step in like he does for me. Mostly, I just want to have the time to give him all flowers he deserves.”

It was quiet for a moment as Jane sized him up, then she grinned: “I can see why Tommy likes you, he’s also the wordy one around here.”

Alex chuckled, feeling a bit more at ease with that response: “The amount of wordy we both are has made our boss very tired on numerous occasions.”

“You can’t admit you’re wrong, that’s different, darlin’,” Thomas felt the need to point out.

Did Alex know he was sitting in front of his maybe one day mother-in-law? Yes. Could he let Thomas win this argument even though responding would prove his point? No.

“I know when to admit defeat, you just don’t have sound arguments. There’s a difference, okay?” he shot back, “And no, I will not side with you on the chicken-egg debate, picking chicken is stupid and you’re just saying it because I think it’s egg.”

“It’s chicken, cause it lays the egg, Alex, it’s just nature.”

“Other animals lay eggs. Fish lay eggs and fish were the first living beings almost ever,” Alex told him, unable to let it go, “Dinosaurs laid eggs too, they were before chickens.”

“But we’re talking about chicken eggs, only chickens can lay those, therefore there has to be a chicken to lay it.”

“One, saying therefore doesn’t make your argument better. Two, you never clarified we were talking about chicken eggs, therefore you can not suddenly introduce that as a rule for the discussion and your argument falls away.”

“What was that about therefore?” Thomas grinned.

“Okay, gentlemen, chicken, eggs, interesting,” Jane cut them both off, she’d had to sit to too many Christmases when Martha was still around for her to know that Thomas wasn’t going to stop.

“Sorry, Ma’a- Ma,” Alex corrected himself last minute.

“Which side are you on?” Thomas had never not involved everyone to get on his side and he wasn’t letting his Ma off the hook.

“Alex’s, your argument is stupid,” she deadpanned, noting Alex’s shit eating grin to Thomas as she did, “What I’m more interested in is how you’ve been. The last time I saw you was last year during the summer and I appreciate the calls, but face to face, talk to me. How have you been? Your job okay? DoI need to have words with Washington?”

“No, Ma, Washington is still a good boss,” Thomas assured her, “And I’ve been doing great, I picked up reading poetry again and I have just been enjoying the small things, they make life great, you know?”

Jane smiled at the last part: “Good to see you finally having a bit of joy in your life. You always had that weight on your shoulders, it’s nice to see it gone for a change.”

“It’s nice to have it gone, Ma,” Thomas agreed, while Alex contended himself with listening, “But how have you been Ma? Not lonely out here?”

“Nah, Mary and the kids visit often, they at least do,” she said, “It’s good to have some life in this house, you know. Keeps me young. And I’ve been going to the market. Joe from the farm down by the church says hi along with Father Adam.”

“And the knitting club?” he asked.

“You know how that is. Though last time Janet brought store bought cookies, so we don’t know if anything’s going on there, but we’re keeping our eyes on her.”

“Nothing too bad, I hope.”

Jane leaned in conspiratorially and said: “Nah, Dixie saw her in the park with a handsome looking man. We think she’s having an affair.”

“Oh no, really? Janet?” Thomas gasped and Jane nodded in return: “Uh-huh, let me tell you,” then she caught up the both of them on the local gossip with names Thomas nodded at and Alex had never heard before. After that they moved on to just daily life stuff.

At some point Philip came back from the swings, confidently stating: “I think there are fairies living in the tree, the leaves speak.”

“Really, buddy?” Alex asked, hoping Jane wouldn’t judge him for indulging his son’s imagination, since he said other – weirder –stuff like this.

“Yeah, just like in that book Auntie Eliza always reads to me,” Philip explained.

“Well, I never noticed them, but maybe you can tell me more about them while we cook,” Jane told him, getting up, “We’re making fried chicken and I hear from your Papa that you’ve been helping him out in the kitchen. Would you like to learn a bit more?”

“I would love that!” Philip exclaimed, clapping his hands, before taking Jane’s and following her into the house.

Thomas turned to Alex with a big grin and sparkling eyes. Alex looked confused and asked: “What? What does that look mean?”

“She likes Pip,” he explained, “Her asking help with cooking is the number one compliment or acknowledgment you can get from her. We’re killing this.”

“Really?” relief flooded through his system.

“Yeah, welcome to the family, darling.”

~~~~~~~~~

A/N:

I made up the nieces, bc I’m not researching family trees for a fic that has gotten too far out of hand already, okay, not doing it.

As for the others I didn’t try and figure out any of the family’s personalities or actual lives, if you’re looking for accuracy a fanfic is not the place to find it. Same forin the next chapter, have no expectations on that front.

Also, yes, I am passionate about the chicken-egg discussion and I am pro egg, you can fight me.

#RR writing #tw: death mention #tw: loss mention #Hamilton #Hamilton AU #Alexander Hamilton #Thoma Jefferson #Philip Hamilton #angelica schuyler #Eliza Schuyler #Jane Jefferson #Jamilton #'Till Death Do Us Part #'Till Death Do Us Part Part 10 #'Till Death Do Us Part AU

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violetwolfraven · 4 years

Text

The King’s Men

Hey @buttons-and-gulons I wrote this as a Christmas present for you! You said you liked sprace so I decided to flesh out my backstory for Spot and his friendships with other Brooklyn kids and also include his relationship with Race in there! Hope you like it! Happy Holidays!

Tw: mentions of abusive parents, period-typical homophobia, some internalized homophobia, minor character death.

...

Sean was 6 when he ran away from home.

His father had been gone a year, and his mama resented her son as a reminder of how she’d wasted her youth on a man who never loved her. And after months of stress and anger being taken out on him in the form of cigarette burns and slaps to the face, Sean finally got the message. He took off onto the streets while his mama was at work, slept in an alleyway, and barely survived the rest do the week alone, a kid with no money and no home to go back to.

It was six days before a red-haired girl noticed him in that alleyway and asked where his parents were, and Sean said he didn’t have any even though as far as he knew, both his parents were still alive.

The girl introduced herself as Palomino. She was 12. Six years older than Sean. She was a newsie, and she was willing to take Sean home with her if he’d use his cuteness to help her sell.

Sean, not having anywhere else to go, agreed, and with a scarred-up little kid fronting, he and Palomino sold so many papers that they had to go back in the middle of the day for more.

She introduced him as ‘Spot’ that night at the Lodging House, and when Sean tried to object, she pretended not to hear. But she introduced him to the other Littles, to Rafaela, a year older, who’s real name wasn’t Rafaela, and Scabs, who was Sean’s age, who’s name definitely wasn’t Scabs.

Sean didn’t have many good memories attached to his name, anyway, so he let his new friends call him Spot, and he learned the best ways to sell alongside them, learned to fight and lie convincingly from older kids, learned to survive on the streets and avoid the bulls. The three of them kept their heads down to avoid the latest Brooklyn king’s wrath, and looked out for each other as best as they could.

‘As best as they could’ wasn’t always enough.

Spot was 7, Rafaela was 8, and Scabs was dying of tuberculosis that winter.

When Spot tried to tell the king he needed help, the older boy just looked vaguely unhappy, mentioned that they lost kids every year, and took a swig of the whiskey he’d bought with money he could have spent on medicine.

Palomino wasn’t much more help, saying that sometimes kids died and there wasn’t anything you could do about it, so you had to just say goodbye and hope they ended up somewhere nice. And what made that worse was that she clearly cared more than the king did, but still wasn’t willing to even try to save Scabs.

Spot was 7 the first (but not last) time he ended up in the Refuge, for trying to steal medicine for his friend. Of course, Snyder didn’t show mercy even to a kid so young, and the beds were somehow cramped and cold, so Spot spent every minute thinking of when he’d get out. He was stuck in that hellhole for two weeks, and though Rafaela and Palomino were waiting for him by the gate when his sentence was over, Scabs was already gone.

Unlike the girls, Spot didn’t get to say goodbye, and he realized he should’ve just listened to Palomino.

He felt stupid, crying over a friend he hadn’t even known a year. It was stupid, how one person being gone could mean so much. Too much. And it was stupid how Spot had even more nightmares than before, and he flinched when Rafaela tried to help him.

He understood now why ‘Mino held her friends at arm’s length. Why she didn’t get attached to anyone. It was so she wouldn’t miss them too much—wouldn’t cry—when they were gone.

So, Spot pushed Rafaela away. He stopped selling with her, stopped letting her try to help when he had nightmares. He tagged along with any older kid willing to take him, knowing none of those broken, rough boys and girls would let him get too close. They knew better.

He tried not to think about how hurt Raf looked at first, or how angry she got as time went on. As months passed, and then years.

Spot was 8 when York came along. Raf’s age, full of scars and stories he didn’t tell. He was mostly silent and thoughtful where the other kids were loud and rambunctious. Still plenty angry, just quiet about it. Smart. When he committed minor crimes (as most Brooklyn kids did) he didn’t get caught. He never said that he held back his anger quietly because one time he hadn’t and it had ended in him losing that right eye of his, but everyone kind of knew.

York was good in a fight, but as with Rafaela, Spot didn’t let him get too close. He kept them both at a distance, and it absolutely didn’t hurt how they got close without him, because it was better if Spot kept them out of his heart.

That didn’t mean he wouldn’t soak anyone who said something bad about either of them twice as fast as he would if someone said something bad about him, like when the latest king of Brooklyn made fun of York’s eye patch.

It was a different king than the one who let Scabs die, because of course it was. Brooklyn kings came and went fast, as soon as someone bigger/tougher/deadlier came along. But they were all indistinguishable from the others. Everyone was loyal to them only out of fear.

Spot should have known better. He was a Little. He was less than half the king’s size. He didn’t stand a chance.

But he threw the first punch anyway, and the only reason he survived that fight was because Palomino stepped in and reminded the king that he was a kid. He was young. And he had learned his lesson.

Spot absolutely had not learned his lesson. He was angrier than ever, but he let the older girl patch him up, anyway.

Spot was 8 and when he healed up, ‘Mino started teaching him to fight. Really fight. And no matter how many bruises accumulated or how many times he lost sparring matches, she wouldn’t let him stop learning. She kept pushing him harder, making him get stronger, goading him on until he could land a hit on her, until it didn’t matter that he couldn’t match her for strength or height, until he could knock down an opponent much bigger than himself.

She didn’t sell with him anymore, moving on to selling with Bart and Joey, a pair of siblings, the brother the same age and the sister two years older than Spot. It wouldn’t be until years later that Spot would realize she was doing that to protect him, so no one would suspect they were up to anything.

Spot was 9, Palomino was 15, and she showed up late to sparring sometimes. She sold at Sheepshead, but she’d never let him come with her. She’d never let anyone come with her anymore, but she slung a good 150 papes a day, so no one could argue.

Hildy showed up that fall, a 10-year-old who barely spoke a word of English, and while she fell in with the younger gang, the one Spot still kept at arm’s length, she was a bit separate, too, given that she had a hard time communicating.

She tried to make friends with Spot, and she was so innocent, at least at first, that it actually hurt to push her away towards the others, into that bubble Spot was always on the edge of but never let himself try to enter.

No one trusted anyone else completely in a borough that chaotic, but it definitely didn’t hurt how the others had a circle of at least relative safety and Spot wouldn’t, couldn’t let himself have even that much.

Spot was 10, and he was surprised to find that having made it to double digits didn’t make him feel much older or wiser. Palomino still occasionally made him spar with her, but she’d run out of things to teach him. Spot was getting big and strong enough that she didn’t have to go easy on him anymore, and sometimes he even won their sparring matches.

What was weird was that ‘Mino kept sneaking off to Manhattan, and Spot wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like there was anything interesting in ‘Hattan. Even the kids who lived there weren’t especially interesting, if the ones Spot saw who came over for negotiations and things were any indication.

When he asked why, she simply said that he’d understand the appeal of Manhattan someday, even if Spot was pretty sure he wouldn’t. What did ‘Hattan have that Brooklyn didn’t?

It was later that year when Spot found out that Palomino wasn’t the only one with a strange fixation with Manhattan, when he accidentally caught Moony making out with a ‘Hattan boy a few blocks from the Brooklyn bridge.

This was significant because Moony was a boy, too. And Spot was pretty sure boys weren’t supposed to kiss other boys.

Of course, Moony said he’d punch Spot’s daylights out if he told anyone about him and that Manhattan boy, who’s name turned out to be Skittery.

Spot didn’t understand that. Sure, boys kissing other boys wasn’t legal, but it wasn’t like most of the Brooklyn kids didn’t commit worse crimes on a regular basis. They all stole and cheated when they had to, and they all knew each other did these things, so why was one more illegal action any different?

When he asked Palomino about it (even though he told Moony he wouldn’t tell anyone) she just laughed, saying she hadn’t pegged Moony as queer and that he should know better than to make out where people could see, but that he had good taste in boys.

But she also said that Spot couldn’t tell anyone, because Moony could get kicked out of the Lodging House at best, arrested and killed in jail at worst, and no matter what happened, it wouldn’t be good if anyone found out he was...

There was that word again. ‘Queer.’ Spot didn’t see why anybody cared so much, but he understood that if it could have such bad consequences, it was best for it to stay secret.

Unfortunately, Moony being queer didn’t stay secret. And after the secret came out, Spot never saw him again. That was when it hit that being queer wasn’t just a secret; it was dangerous.

And he still wouldn’t let himself be friends with any of the others his age, but that didn’t mean he missed how Raf snuck glances at Joey as much as she did at York, or how Bart blushed when the new kid, Vince, grabbed his hand to keep track of him in a crowd.

And that meant, even if he couldn’t have them as friends, Spot had to protect them. Sarcastic Vince, quick-witted Hildy, defensive Bart, funny Joey, tough York, and stubborn Rafaela.

And Palomino, too, he guessed, even if she didn’t need it, but the point was that to protect anyone, he had to keep an eye on them, which was closer than he’d let himself get to any of them since he was 7 years old.

Spot was 11 when he found a 5-year-old girl alone in an alleyway and saw himself in her, so he offered her a home.

And he tried to keep her out. He tried to keep that little girl from worming her way into his heart, but somewhere between giving her a piggyback ride to the Lodging House and teaching her to sell, Bluebird got in, no matter how hard he tried. It was scary.

But then again, the latest king, Joe Harris, was even more corrupt and tyrannical than the others Spot remembered, so maybe Blue sticking close to him was for the best.

Letting one person in didn’t mean you had to let in anyone else, right? And besides, Spot could protect one person close to him. Probably.

Or maybe not, because it turned out Joe Harris could hurt even those who seemed untouchable, with how Palomino stood up to him once and it got her killed.

Spot was 12, and he wished he could say that he didn’t grieve his mentor when she was gone. Because despite himself, he had cared about her, and it hurt so much that she was gone.

Joe killing Palomino was meant to scare off any others thinking of rebelling, and it did just that to most of them, but Spot just got angry instead.

He never forgave Joe, and he made a promise to himself that no King of Brooklyn would take anyone else from him again.

It turned out Blue was just the first crack in a dam, because after her, Spot found himself caring about more people. Mostly in the form of the others his age in Brooklyn, despite how hard he’d worked to keep them out. He’d never really be one of them after isolating himself for so long, but in finally letting himself trust them as allies, Spot found that it wasn’t as scary as he’d always feared.

Well, it was scary. But he knew that the others could take care of themselves, and it was certainly easier to help them do so if they stayed close.

And keeping them close meant more allies for what Spot had planned.

Spot was 13 when he challenged for king.

He didn’t have a choice. Joe was getting increasingly cruel, soaking anyone who so much as objected to any of his decisions and taxing the kids whatever he decided was fair for the right to sell in Brooklyn. With the amount he was charging, none of them would last much longer.

Spot knew the fight would be to the death. He knew Joe was a lot bigger and a lot more experienced, at 19, and he absolutely would kill Spot for posing a serious challenge.

But if it gave his friends the chance to survive, if it gave someone else a chance at winning another challenge, it would be worth it.

Making his first kill was the hardest thing Spot had ever done, but he did it, and he became the king of Brooklyn.

It wasn’t his last kill, either.

Over the next couple years, he had to kill Scarf’s father, and a particularly bloodthirsty gangster, and a few boys who tried to challenge for king. But he never enjoyed it, and it was all in defense of his kids, because as king he had to care for all of Brooklyn now. They were all his responsibility.

Still, the title of king meant a certain level of fear, which meant that none of them could care about him the way they cared about each other. And though a few others helped as much as they could, he was largely running the borough alone.

Spot was 14 when Hotshot showed up, an big, strong, angry 12-year-old who’d fight anyone who looked at him funny. The perfect second for a young king who needed to establish his reputation. All he had to do was tell the boy where to aim his anger, and people assumed that if he could get a kid like Hotshot under his thumb, he had to be just as aggressive.

But Spot didn’t let his second soak people who didn’t deserve it. He didn’t do it himself, either. He wouldn’t be like the kings he’d grown up under and let innocent kids get hurt for no reason. Spot swore it that first night when he killed Joe Harris and he did his best to uphold it. He would rather die than be like those tyrants, those power-drunk boys who didn’t care who they got killed.

Well, at least there was one thing about Spot that set him apart from the other kings, but it wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

If his friends (it still felt odd to call them that) had been cracks in the dam, Racetrack Higgins was the first wave of water that broke it down, only...

Race never pushed, never forced. He just proved that Spot could trust him over and over again, despite being Manhattan. He was kind and compassionate despite being willing to gamble grown men out of their pay. He was funny and brave and though he could talk his way out of most fights, he’d throw himself into one without hesitation for someone else’s sake.

And though Spot had known him since he was 12 and Race was 11, it wasn’t until years later that he realized.

Spot was 15, Race was 14, and Spot realized that he was well and truly screwed, because though he’d started letting others in a little, the problem was that the person he wanted to keep the closest, the person he trusted most, was a Manhattan boy. Was Race.

He loved Race. And that made him queer, and that was dangerous.

Of course that wasn’t exactly a fun realization, especially with how Race didn’t feel the same.

He couldn’t, right? Because Spot’s own mother hadn’t wanted him. Palomino had only cared for him as a sparring partner. His friends feared him and Bluebird and Hotshot only claimed he was like a big brother to them because they had no one else who even pretended to give a rat’s ass about them.

Race couldn’t want him, too, couldn’t love him back, because nobody really loved him. Spot had accepted that maybe him loving other people was inevitable, but he wasn’t stupid enough to think they would love him, too.

Spot was 16 and Race was 15 when he found out that wasn’t completely true.

Because they’d been in the middle of a fight. Spot was facing a potential king challenger and he’d wanted Race to sell in Manhattan for a few days so he’d be out of harm’s way. But while Race wouldn’t push on sensitive topics, he would fight against what he didn’t think was fair. He thought Spot needed as many allies close by as he could get.

Spot had gotten him pinned against the wall, yelling in the other boy’s face, and then he’d found out that his belief that no one wanted him couldn’t be true, because Race had kissed him to shut him up.

And Spot knew Race. He knew that he didn’t do anything halfway. If he was your friend, he was ride or die for you. Joey and Bart were his cousins, and they said he’d always been that way, diving into things head first, throwing his everything behind every move he made, confident that he was right.

Spot knew Race. He knew that Race didn’t feel anything halfway, either. He knew that to kiss him, Race would have to feel the exact same way he did, which was why he let himself kiss back, at least until he had to pull back and tell him again to leave the borough for a few days.

Race told him not to bother sending someone to tell him it was safe to come back until he was ready to talk, and Spot spent two long weeks winning against the latest challenger, but ultimately showing the kid mercy, then mulling over whether or not he wanted to send someone over to get Race.

He did, but he wasn’t sure if he should.

Spot was terrified.

He’d tried so long to keep everyone out of his heart. He’d fought even Race on that for a while after they met, not trusting that caring about him would lead to anything other than sorrow.

He still struggled with that, even as he sat with Bluebird and Scarf and the other Littles until they fell back asleep if they had a nightmare. Even as he enjoyed card games with Joey, Hildy, Hotshot, Vince, York, and Bart. Even as he attempted to make amends with Rafaela, his oldest friend, who was still cold to him.

Besides that struggle, any serious relationship was a stupid idea for a king. Spot had watched kings from his childhood lose anyone they genuinely cared about, one way or another. He’d watched them grieve siblings, lovers, friends, or were betrayed by one of the above and lost their lives for it. People you cared about were weaknesses, and weaknesses could be exploited if you weren’t careful, and that wasn’t even counting how Race was a boy.

Being a boy who loved another boy could make you disappear. And Spot was a hell of a lot better of a fighter than Moony had ever been, but that type of fighting was always only about protecting himself.

...or was it?

Spot had tried for years to not think of his old mentor, but now that he was thinking of her...

Palomino was a master manipulator because she knew how people’s minds worked.

She would know that even if she could win a challenge, Brooklyn wouldn’t respect her as king, a girl with no one but a bunch of Littles backing her up. But she would know that while she couldn’t be king, she could train someone to end the cycle of tyrants.

She would know that whoever she trained would have to be someone who wanted to be better than the bad kings they’d suffered under.

And she would know that whoever she trained had to be someone who had proved their willingness to fight for others multiple times.

What had she told Spot the one time he’d tried to ask her why she was teaching him to fight?

“Because you’s the only one who stands a chance. It has to be you.”

At the time, he’d thought she meant that he was the only one tough enough to survive her training, but...

She’d been playing the long game with Spot the whole time. She’d taught him to fight counting on the fact that he’d challenge for king one day and she hadn’t cared if she got to see it because she knew he’d win.

It hadn’t mattered that she didn’t live to see his reign because the king she’d made sure he’d have Brooklyn’s support out of loyalty instead of fear. A Brooklyn boy, born and raised, who could take care of himself in a fight but didn’t think of himself first.

It half made Spot want to punch her, for manipulating his entire childhood, but honestly, he wasn’t sure how much would be different if she hadn’t chosen him. He would have tried to challenge for king anyway, only he probably would have lost.

It was a hard decision, to be angry or grateful to her, and Spot’s verdict changed hourly, but he kept thinking about another thing Palomino had once told him.

That one day, he’d see the appeal of Manhattan.

Well, he saw that it was Race’s home, and he was safe there.

He saw that Jack Kelly himself was almost definitely queer, that there were plenty of teenage kids who fit the type and hadn’t disappeared yet. He saw how the Manhattan kids were unapologetic and how they didn’t even judge each other, for the most part. They were more of a family than Brooklyn and they weren’t scared to be who they were and love who they loved, be it platonic or something more.

Spot had to wonder how different he’d be, if he’d been taken in by Manhattan instead of Brooklyn. If he’d grown up alongside Jack and Race and Crutchie instead of Rafaela and York and Bart.

It was startling to realize that he didn’t want to know. Because despite the sacrifices he’d made, everyone he’d lost, Spot still loved his home and his fellow newsies.

But he also loved Race, and even if it would be easier to push him away, to use this as an excuse in his mind to push everyone away, Spot didn’t want to.

He was tired of pushing people away see. It never worked, anyway, and in the end, it didn’t make you any stronger. It just meant you were running from something you couldn’t escape.

So he sent Bluebird to tell Race to meet him on the docks that night, and as nerve-wracking as it was when he managed to get his courage up, he kissed Race first that night.

Spot was 16 when he finally stopped running away from his feelings. From letting himself care about people even if he still had trouble showing it.

Spot was 16 when he finally started running towards home.

...

Sorry this gets a little incoherent towards the end. I was tired when I wrote it.

#newsies #sprace #spot conlon #racetrack higgins #brooklyn newsies #rafaela newsies #york newsies #joey newsies #bart newsies #hildy newsies #vince newsies #hotshot newsies #oc: palomino #oc: bluebird #angst #character dive fic #canon era #violet’s writing

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johannesviii · 4 years

Text

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2020

You know, when I finished my latest list and realised every decade had the same pattern and that we were slowly going towards a series of great years for pop, I didn’t realise how good that year would be.

What’s at the top? Am I boringly predictable because I already said I loved that song all the way back in January 2020? Let’s find out.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will probably be stuff in French somewhere on this post. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

So. Uh. How was your 2020?

Mine was actually surprisingly good, considering. I’m lucky enough to have a job that I can partially do from home, and I was extremely paranoid from the get-go and nobody got sick under this roof so far. Turns out I’m even better at my job from home and I got permission to work from home one day per week even after the health crisis is over! My first name was also finally officially approved and I can’t tell you how happy I feel about that. I almost feel bad to have had such a good year considering the circumstances. I feel like an asshole just because I’m happy, haha.

The only frustrating part was that I was supposed to see Hatari in concert in Paris in early April which, as you can guess, was cancelled. I’m not too mad about it though, since their tour was called “Europe will crumble” and the message saying the tour was cancelled started with “since Europe is actually crumbling due to Covid-19″ and that’s hysterical.

Good or interesting albums that came out in 2020 now, let’s see.

Nightwish released Human/Nature, which was a huge letdown compared to their previous album, but I will relisten to it at some point to make sure I wasn’t just in a bad mood that day.

The Birthday Massacre released Diamonds, which might be their weakest album since their debut, but contained some real gems (I listened to The Last Goodbye on a loop, it floored me. Flashback and Enter are also very good).

The 1975 released Notes On A Conditional Form, and let’s be real, it’s a f█cking mess. You could cut half the tracks and end up with an excellent album, but as it is it’s like, yes, a collection of notes ; however there’s some truely excellent shit on it (see unelligible songs).

Thanks to a friend on a discord server I was exposed to Dorian Electra’s music and I haven’t been quite the same ever since. I’m so happy to be alive to see other enbies making such great music with an insanely good aesthetic surrounding it and asking so many interesting questions about gender. Also the arc the ‘gentleman’ character goes through over the course of the entire tracklist of the 2020 My Agenda album is absolutely hilarious, don’t @ me.

I also discovered 100 Gecs this year. Why are most of you guys saying it’s unlistenable garbage. It’s just as abrasive and over the top as industrial music is, but with none of the edginess or drama. I love it. What the hell. But yeah Tree of Clues was released this year. Good.

Speaking of industrial, in March 2020 Nine Inch Nails were like “hey remember when we released Ghosts I-IV a decade ago entirely for free and how amazing that was? Well we’re all in lockdown and bored as hell so here’s Ghosts V-VI and it’s also free. Enjoy” and I f█cking died instantly. And it’s even better than I-IV. What the hell was that year

Jonsi released Shiver. It’s strange and highly experimental. I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing I was into hyperpop this year, otherwise going from his previous material straight to this album would have been brutal.

Yadda yadda yadda After Hours by the Weeknd good yadda yadda.

I’ve joked about that already but if you had told me in 2019 that 2020 would have fires, a pandemic, riots, monoliths appearing and disappearing, and also a super good Machine Gun Kelly album, guess which part I would have found the most ridiculous. But yeah uh. Tickets to my Downfall good

So uh this year I tried to listen to some hyperpop and liked it a lot, and I also dipped my toes timidly into screamo and listened to Svalbard, who released When I Die this year, and the entire album was a very beautiful, very intricately decorated punch to the face. It sounds like God Is An Astronaut except with a shit ton of yelling. I love it. Open Wound is my favorite track on it.

But no, despite all of this, my album of the year was from a band I had never even heard about before that year, called Spanish Love Songs. The album is titled Brave Faces Everyone and it’s line after line after line of extremely relatable generational angst but yelled with complete sincerity and it’s so propulsive and energetic you can’t help but feel both exhausted and ready to fight the entire universe. I don’t know how it works, but it’s incredible. The entire album is wonderfully brutal, so it’s kind of difficult to pick my favorite songs on it, but Beachfront Property and the title track stand out.

Unelligible songs, now, and there’s, uh, quite a few of them too so I’m also gonna use bullet points. Good lord this post is gonna be long.

First, let me say I have literally no idea why Midnight Sky by Miley Cyrus wasn’t a bigger hit. It’s not on the year-end US top 100 and it feels extremely wrong. Would have made it to #4 on this list otherwise.

I still entertain the vague hope that stuff from Machine Gun Kelly will chart higher in 2021 but I doubt it will happen so I might as well tackle it now and say that Bloody Valentine and especially Forget Me Too are both excellent and that it’s a shame radios aren’t playing them more often.

Heaven by the late Avicii featuring Coldplay should have charted in 2019 and still didn’t chart in 2020 and that’s a real shame.

If the world was a bit less unfair, Lovesick Girls by Blackpink would have been a hit rather than the awful Ice Cream.

One day I will stop complaining about my bafflement concerning the lack of mainstream pop charts success of The 1975. Today is not that day. I just love how they keep making songs about extremely awkward relationships full of weird details, and I haven’t grown tired of that yet. So yeah If You’re Too Shy is about a guy who’s crush is asking him to get naked on Skype in his hotel room and he’s, uh, not too sure about that idea.

And Me & You Together is about a guy who never finds the right moment to tell his best friend he’s in love with her, and he manages to do so at the end and it’s cute as hell. My fave part is “I'm sorry that I'm kinda queer / It's not as weird as it appears / It's 'cause my body doesn't stop me (Stop me) / Oh, it's okay, lots of people think I'm gay / But we're friends, so it's cool, why would it not be?”. Relatable as f█ck.

And now for an international hit that should have been bigger in the US and/or in my country but wasn’t: Head & Heart by Joel Corry and MNEK.

I’ve heard Nos Célébrations by Indochine extremely often on French radio for months now so I was very surprised to see that it didn’t crack the local year-end list. What happened.

I can finally hear the appeal of Bring Me The Horizon. It took me ages. And also Death Stranding. The song Ludens isn’t in the game per say, but it’s among the ones you can pick to broadcast briefly when people drive by your constructions, and long story short it's been living rent-free in my head for months now.

Phew.

It’s time for a round of Honorable Mentions for elligible songs, containing a couple of guilty pleasures, which is saying something considering the kind of shit I put on some of my previous lists.

Ne Reviens Pas (Gradur et Heuss l’Enfoiré) - Heuss is a French artist that kept baffling me while making my lists for the previous years, and I was like “??? ok, that’s it then, I guess I’m getting too old to get what teenagers find funny”. This one worked for me, though. And the music video doesn’t hurt. Really dumb and really fun.

Adore You (Harry Styles) - Perfectly good little pop song, very pleasant to listen to, never outstayed its welcome for me.

Mood (24kGoldn) - This doesn’t sound like a very good relationship, my dude, but that’s still a super pleasant song.

WAP (Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion) - This song is absolutely hilarious and I will hear no argument from any of you.

Control (Zoe Wees) - Was clearly a hit here. Should have been even bigger though. What a powerful but comfy voice. If I had better taste it would be on the list.

Hot Girl Bummer (Blackbear) - I. Uh. Listen. I keep saying I have bad taste and nobody believes me. Do you believe me now. But yeah. “F█ck you, and you, and you~, I hate your friends and they hate me too” is gonna pop in my head every single time someone is being a jerk anywhere near me now. It’s been happening all year already. Someone trashed my documents at work? Someone isn’t wearing a mask in public? That guy has filled his car with rolls of toilet paper? Brain goes “F█ck you, and you, and you~”. Every. Single. Time.

Come & Go (Juice WRLD & Marshmello ) - Damn, that’s a pretty good little song. I’ve seen plenty of people saying it’s ruined by the drop, but may I remind you I’m the person who loves Blue by Eiffel 65 with all my heart. If the song was ramping up consistently until the end instead of ending like that, it would have made the list, definitely.

And now, the actual list. This one actually feels pretty solid, I genuinely like everything on it, there’s no filler here for once.

10 - The Box (Roddy Rich)

US: #3 / FR: #23

Now this is a weird case, because for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why this song was so popular and I was completely neutral about it. Then, one morning in September, my mental jukebox (which always, always puts a song on a loop in my head when I wake up) decided to play it. And I was like oh wow?? I never noticed the atmosphere in that song before? It’s so great. And that hook too. Let’s listen to it.

So yeah, I don’t know what happened. It just clicked one day and everything fell into place, I guess.

9 - Alane (Wes & Robin Shulz)

US: Not on the list / FR: #93

Come on. You can’t do a remake of one of my previous #1 songs and let it chart in 2020. That’s cheating. Even with this subpar drop, I have to put it on the list, now.

I’ve already said my piece about the original, so I’m just going to send you back to my 1997 list.

8 - Kings and Queens (Ava Max)

US: Not on the list / FR: #76

[BBC documentary voice] After Lady Gaga decided to make piano balads and left her musical niche vacant, Ava Max quickly took her place as the top predator pop diva. Even after Lady Gaga was re-introduced to her natural habitat in 2020, she still hasn’t fully recovered in Europe, where Ava Max still reigns supreme on the charts -

(tldr I think it’s hilarious that this isn’t on the US Billboard while Lady Gaga isn’t on the French year-end top 100)

7 - Roses (Saint Jhn & Imanbek)

US: #19 / FR: #3

What an earworm. It doesn’t even bother trying to have an intro or an outro, so it loops almost perfectly. It’s like entering a party that started long before you arrived, and it will go on long after you leave it to go back home. Kind of hypnotic in a way.

And yes, my mental jukebox was very fond of using it to wake me up this year, so this is another song that’s here almost solely because of that.

6 - Physical (Dua Lipa)

US: Not on the list / FR: #69 (hehehe)

“Hey I’m not that old” says the guy who’s definitely a sucker for this kind of retro throwback that was so popular this year. Oh well.

I don’t have anything interesting to say about this one, though. Apart from the fact that everyone seems to have a different fave song on that album. Guess that’s quality for you.

5 - Rain on Me (Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande)

US: #48 / FR: Not on the list

That is far from being Lady Gaga’s best song, but it was a joy to listen to everytime it was on the radio anyway. Also Ariana Grande has surprisingly good chemistry with Gaga! This year was full of strange duets mostly made for commercial reasons, and this one isn’t an exception, but unlike a lot of them, it really, really works.

4 - Dynamite (BTS)

US: #38 / FR: Not on the list

I’m still not 100% sold on k-pop even if a ton of it sounds super good, but come on. Even if some bits of this song (especially the beginning of the second chorus) sound a bit like they were made on autopilot, it still sounds just as happy and fun several months after I first heard it and I never got tired of it. That’s quality. You hear it and you can’t help but tap your feet and smile.

Actually, I’m sure there’s people somewhere that don’t smile when they hear this song. And they must be avoided at all costs.

3 - Godzilla (Eminem ft Juice WRLD)

US: #62 / FR: Not on the list

What are you doing so high on this list, old man. Why are you still here in the year 2020. I thought we left you in the previous decade. Who gave you the right.

I’m gonna tell you who did, and it’s actually Juice WRLD. Because that chorus is incredible, and like a lot of people I’m pissed off because the guy died super young and this shit shouldn’t happen to anybody. No, his early material wasn’t great, but I’m sorry I’m gonna say it again: have you heard this damn chorus? It’s suspenseful and dark, it’s got this lowkey menacing quality, it’s an earworm and a half, and it’s more convincing in like six lines than Eminem’s own flexing is in the entire song.

The beat is extremely good as well, and the flow, obviously, impressive. The weakest link is Eminem’s writing, which is as usual full of puns and weird wordplay, except here a lot of it isn’t great, and that last ultra fast part at the end is technically impressive but it also drives the song up a cliff and stops it dead in its tracks once it’s over. But frankly the lines fly by so fast it’s difficult to be too annoyed by them.

Can I sincerely put this extremely flawed song so high on my list? A better question would be “did I spend hours trying to learn how to sing this shit without choking on my own spit?”. The answer is yes. To both.

2 - Heartless (The Weeknd)

US: #28 / FR: Not on the list

I’ve said it on my 2015 and 2016 lists already, but just for the record I’ll say it again: it took me ages to like The Weeknd, mostly because I found most of his songs fairly boring, or disliked the lyrics, or both. Also I never really liked the general vibe of his “sexy” songs like The Hills, they felt dark but in an unpleasant creepy way. Felt like miserable hedonism, if that makes sense.

So, because I’m a person with extremely consistent and logical tastes, here’s the exact same shit he was making before, except that this time I absolutely adore it.

What is he doing differently that makes the whole After Hours album click for me whereas almost all of his previous material failed to do so? Is it the energy? Is it the reverb? Is it the fact that the narrator sounds properly unhinged and, frankly, scared to be spiralling out of control? Why are the colors so beautiful yet full of anxiety? Why is that bridge so fantastic? How can you make your voice look like a glowstick in the dark?

I give up. I have no clue. At least I’m done talking about-

Oh.

1 - Blinding Lights (The Weeknd)

US: #1 / FR: #1 (listen sometimes something’s just that good, ok)

Surprise. Or not.

Wow, look at that, Johannes has put this year’s number one pop song at number one on their personal playlist. The audacity. The edge. What a hot take.

I discovered that song when it first came out at the end of 2019 and I adored it instantly. And I was so scared it wouldn’t be a hit. Which means I’m a f█cking dumbass considering it ended up breaking all sorts of records in 2020. But what can I say, overplay can be a blessing when you love a song that much.

Like every single song I put at number one on one of my lists, I will draw this one at some point and you will understand how incredibly satisfying it is to listen to a song called Blinding Lights, talking about city lights looking blurry when you’re driving at night, while looking itself like a bunch of blurry city lights passing by super fast. Perfect in every way.

Also it sounds exactly like A-ha, and that never hurts.

See you next year! Pretty sure it will be even better music-wise.

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #eye contact tw

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rosethornewrites · 4 years

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Fic: The Rebellion of Adrien Agreste, ch. 10

Characters: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth, Lila Rossi, Jagged Stone, Plagg, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Luka Couffaine, Penny Rolling, Anarka Couffaine, Rose Lavillant, Juleka Couffaine, Kagami Tsurugi, Alya Césaire, Chloé Bourgeois, Wayhem, Nadja Chamack, Nathalie Sancoeur, Sabine Cheng, Tom Dupain, Tikki, Fang, Principal Damocles, Caline Bustier, Ms. Mendeleiev, original minor character, Alec Cataldi, Lila Rossi’s Mother, Sabrina Raincomprix, Roger Raincomprix, Mylène Haprèle, Le Gorille | Adrien Agreste’s Bodyguard, Nino Lahiffe, Nooroo

Tags: Lila Rossi salt, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Teenage Rebellion, Swearing, Bad Parent Gabriel Agreste, Crack Treated Seriously, Lila Rossi’s Lies Are Exposed, Cuddling & Snuggling, Luka Couffaine Needs a Hug, Paparazzi, Parentification, Marinette Dupain-Cheng Needs a Hug, Gabriel Agreste Needs an Aneurism, Uncle Jagged Stone, we’re all queer here, the spirit of punk is sometimes just being allowed to be yourself, Kagami Finds Her Groove, punk rock fashion, Savage Kagami, Marinette protection squad, Good Parent Sabine Cheng, Good Parent Tom Dupain, Protective Kagami Tsurugi, Protective Luka Couffaine, Bisexual Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Pansexual Luka Couffaine, Sharing a Bed, Pet Names, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Instagram, Bullying, Social Media, Anxiety, Makeover, Hugs, will cure your acne, Face Punching, Bad Ass Juleka Couffaine, Rumors, Protective Juleka Couffaine, Protective Adrien Agreste, Lawyers, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Holding Hands, accountability, mental health, Jagged Stone’s well-paid pet shark, How to Make the Evening News, Sexy eyeliner for days, one fish two fish Lila is a screwed fish, How to have fun and piss Gabriel off, Fuckery, sweet litigious karma, Alya sugar, lawyer shark doo doo doo doo doo doo, Schadenfreude, Bad Ass Alya Césaire, Gaslighting, abuse denormalization, Jagged likes his lawyers like he likes his pets: toothy af, Blood in the Water, Everything you didn’t know you wanted and some things you did, Gabriel Agreste is shark bait, Denial, Consequences, Principal Damocles salt, caline bustier salt, the impotence of Gabriel Agreste, snarky Nooroo, lies and the lying liars who tell them, Lila’s brain is a narcissistic hellscape, Lila’s mind is built like an Escher piece, Alec Cataldi salt, Adrien Sugar, wholesome salt, Fu Salt, Kwami Shenanigans, Nooroo is a little shit

Summary: How to Piss Off Gabriel Agreste

AO3 link

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Gabriel Agreste was displeased.

Honestly, that was an understatement.

Gabriel Agreste was infuriated.

He had allowed Adrien his little temper tantrum, the slamming of the door and stomping to his bedroom, expecting to let the boy stew for a bit until he had calmed enough to be reasonable. In the meantime, he had assured Mlle. Rossi things would progress as planned.

That had been a miscalculation. Adrien’s behavior had only escalated, as he somehow managed to escape the mansion—something Gabriel had only discovered later, when Nathalie had brought the tablet to him, with that picture on the Instagram social media account that was meant largely for Adrien to promote the brand. He had been permitted to use it for additional reasons, but clearly that had been a mistake.

Gabriel had been struck by the smile on Adrien’s face, though, carefree and happy… and alongside that of a boy he’d never seen as they cuddled in an intimate way that was wholly inappropriate for the brand. He never would have allowed such a picture with Mlle. Rossi.

But his hands were also tied by Adrien’s move—if he were seen to disapprove, many of his employees would be livid, not to mention critics. The LGBTQ+ community was well represented in the fashion industry. At this point, Gabriel would be seen as homophobic.

Furthermore, a third party had taken those pictures, meaning Adrien had found allies.

Nathalie had attempted to regain control of the account, to no avail. Hopefully the furor would die down quickly; Gabriel had the Gorilla out searching for his wayward son so they could nip this in the bud. But he’d come up empty thus far.

Mlle. Rossi had called, raging, and had required a lecture about tone and entitlement. She had been seething by the time he hung up on her, but Gabriel didn’t particularly care. She was outliving her use with her childish assumption he’d give in to her demands.

He had used the roiling emotions of a jealous fan to create an Akuma, but it had been defeated far too quickly for his liking,

Nathalie had returned with the tablet shortly thereafter, with a new photo and that hair. His hair had been pristine, never adulterated with anything so aggressive as dye. And now—! He matched his ‘boyfriend’—Gabriel was certain this was a fake relationship, but if he said such a thing publicly it would receive backlash—and they were feeding each other ice cream and laughing. Another picture taken by a third party.

Gabriel hadn’t even noticed the caption, or the following post essentially accusing the company of forcing him to work, until Nathalie pointed them out. Worse, there were comments from fans angry that Adrien was not permitted to play with that ridiculous band.

theofficialchloebourgeois: I didn’t know it was that bad, Adrikins. I’ll talk to Daddy.

alya.ladyblogger: @theofficialchloebourgeois Pretty sure this violates child labor laws, too. #LetAdrienGoToSchool

theofficialchloebourgeois: @alya.ladyblogger Will bring that up.

The Instagram tag the Ladyblogger had created had started going viral, even spreading to Twitter.

The TVi news was even using it. Curious, Gabriel clicked on the article they’d linked to.

Model Adrien Agreste Comes Out, Alleges Being Forced to Date New Gabriel Muse, Lila Rossi

Leaked Rossi text messages include threats

When he saw the image of the text messages, he hurled the tablet against the wall.

Nathalie gave him a reproachful look and he glowered at her. “You were due for an upgrade anyway,” he hissed, still trying to contain his rage.

Clearly Mlle. Rossi had become more than an inconvenience.

“Inform Mlle. Rossi that her association with Gabriel has ended, as she has provided an unsavory image for the brand. Announce that on the official social media. Make sure the announcement planned for tomorrow is stopped.”

A stress headache, perhaps even a migraine, was coming on.

Marinette returned home with freshly painted pink fingernails, and Jagged loudly praising her nonexistent design ideas.

“Marinette Dupain-Chang, would you care to comment on your relationship with former Gabriel model Lila Rossi?”

Oh, that had been tempting. ‘Former’? They hadn’t seen that bit of information before she’d left—she’d have to text that to Kagami and Luka, who would share it with Adrien. They’d agreed that he’d need to keep his cell phone off to avoid the GPS locater, until they’d gotten enough done.

Jagged posed for the camera, hugging her one-armed. “That horrid girl has been bullying my niece here. Kept her too afraid to say anything. But Uncle Jagged’s here to take care of his Marinette.”

Then he pushed past Nadja Chamack to enter the bakery—let in by her parents despite it being after hours. They presented him with a large box of macrons to thank him, and asked if he would be free to join the family for dinner the next night—specifying that ‘the team’ was welcome, too.

Adrien, Luka, and Kagami had been insistent that she should bring them in on the plan, that they have some adults they could lean on aside from Jagged, whose stay in Paris would only be so long.

Marinette hadn’t been certain about letting them in on the fake relationship details, but they had been appropriately horrified at Adrien’s treatment and had immediately been on board. Everything had fallen into place, and maman had insisted after tomorrow she would take her break from the bakery to coincide with Marinette’s walk to school, so she could escort her for her protection.

They had a plan, a script, for Luka and Adrien’s relationship. She just had to be ready early tomorrow to be escorted to school, and be ready for any media attention.

And they had decided that Luka should be seen with Adrien, saying goodbye before the school day with appropriate closeness. They hadn’t specified what it should be, but that part could be ad-libbed. Regardless, the media would eat it up.

She updated her parents over dessert fruit tarts, then pleaded exhaustion and headed up to her room to get ready for bed. On her way up, she texted Luka and Kagami the news about Lila.

Tikki looked a bit exasperated when she was finally able to leave Marinette’s purse, and for a moment she was worried the kwami disagreed with what they were doing, that she’d be disappointed.

“I didn’t realize Adrien had it so bad,” Tikki said instead. “That poor boy. I’m glad you came to his side; I know it might be hard to watch him in a pretend relationship with Luka.”

Marinette relaxed. Tikki was on her side.

“I knew his father was awful, but I didn’t know it was this bad, either. If we do this right, M. Agreste will be under enough scrutiny to give Adrien some freedom.”

“He deserves better,” the kwami commented, taking the cookie Marinette offered her.

Marinette nodded. “Do you think I’m doing enough?”

“You’re doing everything you can.” Tikki set down the cookie and put one tiny hand on Marinette’s. “And… I think Luka was right. You expect too much of yourself. I know you’re Ladybug, but you’re also Marinette. You don’t need to bottle things up. You don’t need to be perfect.”

Marinette was silent for a bit, thinking about that. She’d always tried to stay strong on her own—even during the worst of Chloé’s bullying, she hadn’t reached out. Part of it was learning that Chloé could get away with a lot because of her status; teachers were rarely willing to punish the daughter of the mayor, so instead Marinette had been told she was being too sensitive, or that she needed to be the bigger person and be an example. All she’d wound up being is an example of a doormat.

In the past year, she’d learned that what her teachers had done was considered gaslighting. She’d managed to let them convince her that her feelings weren’t important. Marinette had been afraid to tell her parents everything, because if they told her the same thing…

Ever since Alya had come, she’d been able to start growing out of that—all it had taken was someone standing up for her.

“Thanks, Tikki.”

The kwami sighed. “Honestly, I should have helped you take care of this Lila situation earlier. It’s gone on too long. I let you flounder, even after you were almost Akumatized. I didn’t even think about how this was effecting you. I’m sorry, Marinette.”

Marinette brought Tikki up to her face and kissed her cheek. “I was doing what Luka said—putting on a front. I need to trust you and my parents and my friends more.”

“We’ll learn together,” Tikki told her with a smile. “I’m so proud of you, Marinette!”

They snuggled cheek to cheek for a moment, and then Marinette went to the bathroom to prepare for bed, leaving Tikki to her cookie.

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pivitor · 4 years

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Be the Steven You Want to See in the World

The following is the most recent installment of my email newsletter, “Do You Know What I Love the Most?” I’m really proud of this one, and wanted it out there for y’all to read. Think of it as a free sample. If you like it, please share and subscribe to the newsletter here.

The following contains spoilers for Steven Universe and Steven Universe Future.

I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me

I don’t need you to love me, I love me

But I want you to know you could know me

If you change your mind

A little over one year ago, the above song capped off the final episode of Steven Universe, a series on Cartoon Network that began as an adorable little cartoon about a boy’s magical powers and eventually grew into a complex, emotionally rich saga about war, trauma, and identity — but one that remained accessible to viewers of all ages.

In the world of Steven Universe, its titular character stood alone. Steven’s father was a human, while his mother was a superpowered alien, both a rebel warrior and royalty in hiding; he was also, kinda, sorta, maybe the reincarnation of his mother? There was literally no other being in the universe quite like Steven, leaving the poor boy not only confused about just exactly who he was, but misunderstood by pretty much everyone he met, especially his alien “family” the Diamonds, the tyrannical rulers of the Gem Dynasty. The Diamonds refused to see Steven as anything other than his mother, eventually leading to them ripping his gemstone from his body in an attempt to revive his mother, something that could have potentially killed Steven.

Instead, though, it just revealed what viewers always knew — Steven was simply Steven, and nothing more. That revelation shattered the Diamonds’ worldview and their stranglehold on the galaxy. Steven saved the universe, but his most important victory was finally learning to love and respect himself, just as he was. Someday maybe the Diamonds would come to understand him, to see everything he has to offer simply by being himself, but if they never did, that’s okay. Steven already has the love and respect he needs without them.

It’s a sentiment that rang true for many of Steven Universe’s fans. Steven as a character, and his unique place in the universe, had always connected with many different varieties of viewers. Bi or muti-racial fans saw themselves in the way Steven was never fully at home in either Gem or human society, and queer viewers could appreciate the way that so many of Steven’s most prominent and praised qualities were ones that are traditionally viewed as feminine (as well as all the show’s more explicit pro-LGBTQ+ messages). All of them could likely find some solace in the ideas expressed in “Change Your Mind.”

I know I have. My relationship with my family is…okay. For now. I love my family dearly, we get along most of the time, and quite often even have a lot of fun just being in each other’s company, but I know there are parts of me that they’ll never be able to accept or understand. I’ve had to build a lot of walls between myself and them just to reach this tenuous equilibrium, and quite frankly, it hurts that they’ll never actually fully know who I am as a human being. When it seems overwhelming, I often think of Steven’s song. I can’t make them accept me. All I can do is love and respect myself, and be here if they ever change their minds.

If that was the end of Steven Universe’s world it would have been a fine legacy, but thankfully, the series continued on in the form of Steven Universe: The Movie and Steven Universe Future. The movie skipped ahead two years from the end of Steven Universe and, with a new villain, teased the “further adventures of Steven Universe,” but the limited series Future ended up being more of an epilogue to the original. Sure, there were a few enemies to fight, but they were largely loose threads Steven Universe left dangling. The real antagonist of Steven Universe Future ended up being Steven himself — or, more specifically, his trauma, insecurities, and sense of self.

In the original series’ extended theme song, each member of the main cast gets a chance to proclaim why they fight, and Steven’s is “I will fight to be everything that everybody wants me to be when I’m grown.” That’s always felt fairly ominous to me; that’s a Steven who doesn’t have a sense of self, of who he wants to be, who’s been devoured by his supposed duties and put aside his own emotions and concerns to make sure that everybody else is okay. Maybe that was sustainable in a time of war, but in the peaceful status quo of Future, these qualities come home to roost. Without people to help, without a world to save, who even is Steven Universe? What does he want his life to be? Steven doesn’t even begin to know how to look for answers, and is even less equipped to ask for help. He flounders more and more until he eventually breaks down.

Again, that’s something that myself and many other viewers can closely relate to. Like Steven, I was a “gifted” and sensitive child who was expected to excel, and hated to hurt people’s feelings so much that I chose to ignore my own feelings instead in order to please others. I was essentially a preacher’s son, expected to be a role model; to be anything else would be unthinkable and unacceptable. And as I got older and started to realize how different I was from everybody else, I had to protect myself by being somebody I wasn’t. I started to see myself as the problem, and tried to solve everybody else’s problems so that nobody would notice my own.

Both Steven and I tried to hide our mistakes so that our friends and family would never think poorly of us, would never know what we’d done wrong, so that we could always live up to the image of us people had in their minds. Living like that, though, means that you never learn from your mistakes, that you never get help and never grow, because you’re more concerned about hiding your mistakes than understanding why they happened and how to change them. Thankfully, Steven came to that realization much earlier in life than I did, but instead of reaching out for help, he just internalizes the mistake, blaming himself and condemning himself as a monster.

And when you think you’re a monster, you become a monster.

For most people, that’s a metaphor. In middle school, when I realized my wit gave me power, my pain caused me to lash out and briefly become a bit of a bully myself (after the second or third time I got beat up I grew out of it). Steven’s magical powers often cause things to be a bit more literal for him, though. While most gems can shapeshift on command, Stephen’s appearance has always been closely linked to his emotions; in one early episode, when Steven starts to “feel old” his body literally starts growing older and older until he almost dies of old age. Thus, when Steven starts to think of himself as a monster, he literally grows into a pink, horned, centipede-esque monster the size of a mountain.

Steven’s friends want to help — rightfully, they’re terrified for him, not of him — but their responses are also a little self-centered, albeit unintentionally so; they almost get into a contest, a game of “who hurt Steven more?” as they all blame themselves. It takes Steven’s best friend (and love), Connie, to get them to stop wallowing in self-pity and put Steven first. That shouldn’t be a surprise — while the rest of the cast has always protected Steven physically, they’ve also depended on him emotionally. From the very beginning of their relationship, though, Connie has been Steven’s greatest confidant. She forced Steven to open up to her when he stupidly tried to push her out of his life, and she’s been the only person who has consistently put Steven ahead of herself — sometimes to a fault — as Steven’s done for everyone else. And with her help, everybody Steven loves realizes that the way to save him isn’t by fighting him, but just by being there for him.

They embrace the monster-Steven in a massive group hug. They share with him all the ways Steven’s helped them, and help him realize that those same experiences allow them to relate to what Steven’s going through as well. Steven expected fear, shock, condemnation, and instead got understanding, love, and compassion, and shrinks back to himself, openly weeping in the arms of his friends and family. It’s his first step towards recovery.

It’s hard to understate how important this kind of support can be. I can think of multiple points in my life where just having people willing to be there for me moved me to tears. Knowing that there are people who will support you in matters great or tiny if only you actually bother to ask, to make yourself known to them, is powerful. Steven’s friends understood him more than he ever thought possible, and the same has proved true for me. Many times I’ve shared my past expecting to be judged or looked down on and instead only found understanding and compassion, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that kind of support has changed my life. And it changed Steven’s too.

Last weekend’s final episode of Steven Universe Future — the epilogue to the epilogue — still had a lesson or two left to impart. After a few months of therapy and help from those he loves, Steven decides to leave his home and strike out on his own so he can discover who he truly wants to be. There’s some sob-worthy goodbyes, but the major theme of the episode is that change is healthy and inevitable, and that people who love you will always be in your life no matter where you are.

It’s not necessarily a very original lesson, but it’s a vital one nonetheless. As I make (coronavirus-delayed) plans to move ahead into a new era of my own life, I can’t help but to find comfort in watching Steven do the same. Vitally, this final episode also provides a road-map to living in a post Steven Universe world. I’m losing one of my favorite shows, but I’ll always be able to revisit it, and the lessons I’ve learned will always be a part of me.

Perhaps the most important message of all, though, comes when Steven says goodbye to Peridot, a character who started out an enemy, but — through much effort from Steven — eventually became one of his closest friends and allies. As a sobbing Peridot laments that she’ll never find “another Steven” like this one, Steven tells her, “be the Steven you want to see in the world.”

If we carry any one lesson away from Steven Universe, I think it should be that one. Be the “Steven” who believes in love, in compassion and redemption, in helping those who need it, but also be the Steven who is honest about their limitations and shortcomings and allows others to help them and be there for them when they need it. In times like this, we all need that more than ever.

#pivitor #Steven Universe #steven universe future #SU spoilers #Steven universe spoilers #steven universe future spoilers

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blapisblogs · 5 years

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Oh god... Yeah, right after the in-video ad break, we’re hit with this: Doug Walker dressed like a Nazi with a smudged dotted line around his face and the words “person you hate” written on his forehead in sharpie. Dude, if this moment didn’t make you stop and wonder what the fuck happened with your life to bring you to this moment, then it damn well should’ve been.

Before you ask if this was based on something from the film or album, yes, but as usual there’s context for it. It’s difficult for me to explain, but in short the idea is that Pink’s attempt to build a metaphorical wall between himself and everyone else is making him more and more mentally unsound, right up to the point where after he’s forced to be drugged up for one of his shows he hallucinates himself as a fascist (the very thing his father died fighting against), the fans his zealous followers, and his concerts rallies where he encourages violence against marginalized groups. This goes on for a few songs with the violence and threats escalating in each one, and by the end of the last one he’s ranting and raving incoherently on a megaphone until the hallucination ends as he shouts for it all to stop, finally realizing how dangerous the things he’s been doing to himself are. It’s disturbing, and intentionally so. That’s what I got out of both the album and the film anyway. I have no clue what Doug Walker got out of this part of the film, though, because these next two parody songs have almost nothing to do with it. The first one mentions it so people will know that it’s a parody of something from the film, but that’s about it, and the second one doesn’t mention anything about the film or album at all.

The next two parodies are of “In the Flesh” (the reprise), and “Waiting for the Worms”, neither of which I will post links to based on what I explained earlier, but if you want to look them up yourself I will warn you that there are things said there that are identical to things the Nazis have said and done, and use words like “queers” and others that I dare not say nor want to. (Also, yeah, they didn’t include “Run Like Hell”, presumably because Doug couldn’t think of another full parody’s worth of “fuck you, haters” for it.) In the parody of the former, Doug addresses his crowd of followers, which are the same five people copy-pasted onto the screens of multiple devices (I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be intentional commentary or Doug didn’t have enough people willing to work with him to pull off what he wanted for this), in a place called the “Echo Chamber”.

Yes, really.

It’s supposed to be commentary on how bad callout/outrage/cancel/purity/whatever-we’re-calling-it-this-month culture can be, but considering who this is coming from, what his own fans are like, and the rest of the presentation in this “review” it comes off more like “technology bad” and “social media bad”. Worse than that, the latter parody song is still about callout/outrage/cancel/etc. culture, only now it’s even more apparent that this is his way of commenting on the Change the Channel movement. This isn’t just me saying this either, other people have taken note on it as well, including people who didn’t even completely hate Doug Walker after the Change the Channel thing happened. I’ve seen one person try to (rather weakly) argue that it wasn’t trying to mock the Change the Channel movement, but even if one were to give them the benefit of the doubt and they weren’t making fun of that, then 1: they still should’ve known that doing something like this was going to get people to draw comparisons to said movement whether it was intended or not, and 2: it’s still absurdly over-the-top and out of touch with why “outrage/cancel/callout/whatever culture” has become a thing. It’s about as subtle as, well, a hammer to the face. (Speaking of which, the hammers for this parody are used to make hashtags instead of an ‘x’ and instead of chanting “Pink Floyd” or “Hammers” the fans chant “hashtag”. I’ve been sitting here for five minutes trying to think of how to comment on this, but all I can do is put a hand up to my face like Captain Picard in those memes, I think that says it all.)

This message of “technology and social media bad” is so ridiculously passé at this point that it’s laughable, and yet it seems like Doug Walker is under the impression that he’s saying something new and brilliant. This is also a truly bizarre message to be hearing from a guy who had so much success with his internet career that he quit his previous job to pursue it full-time. You know, that career that’s dependent on technology. (Also, Doug, social media itself didn’t cause those problems with said internet career: that was all you.)

The sad part is that for this sequence we get some brief scenes with actually good CGI of things like marching smartphones (identical to the original’s marching hammers) and a decently-animated 2-D(-ish?) sequence of a six-fingered hand coming up from the ground and forming into a hammer much like something that happened during part of the film (not this part specifically, but a part). It’s weird in context, but these animated parts look far better than any of the other effects that were used earlier. I’m guessing the guest person who made the effects I’ll talk about later also animated this (at least the CGI bits; as I said earlier, the 2-D-ish parts look so suspiciously close to the original that I have to wonder if they were traced over for this). While it is good, that just makes me wonder that if they were hired to make the animation in this part then why didn’t Doug let them animate the black eagle scene for the “Goodbye Blue Sky” parody section too? He clearly had the time and budget to get a talented animator to do this stuff for him, so why not fully use them?

Also, I swear one of the visuals looks more like a mashup between something from the opening of Phantom of the Paradise and The Wall than anything actually from The Wall alone. Maybe Doug and/or the person animating this got their rock operas momentarily mixed. Maybe they did this on purpose to mess with people. Maybe my brain’s making up this shit because a Phantom of the Paradise/The Wall double feature sounds infinitely better than this “review”. Maybe the headache I’ve gotten while watching this dumpster fire is fucking with me. I don’t know.

[Lyrics (and snark) below the cut]

Oh yeah, I’m the P-Person you all think you know That sucks up all your angst and confusion I’m that nameless foe, huh!

[Oh, so you are trying to do an impression of Bob Geldof. ...It shouldn’t take me over half-way into the “review” to figure out for sure that’s what you’re doing. Or did you choose to only actually do an impression of him for just this one part? I can’t even fathom almost any of Doug’s thought process for this “review” anymore.]

I’ve got some weird news for ya, sunshine, This was dissin’ Thatcher’s administration

[So I have seen Wikipedia mention that at least some people have either interpreted or used this part as commentary on Margaret Thatcher, and I don’t know enough about UK politics to dispute whether it was intentional or not. What bothers me is that if this was intentional, then how did Doug pick up on this? That would mean that he either caught this but somehow didn’t pick up on any of the other, more obvious things in this film that doesn’t have “the slightest bit of subtlety”, or he researched this and only this. Or it was a random guess he made that happens to coincide with what some others have interpreted from this part. Who knows.]

But it’s vague enough to put anyone you fear - Politician, showman - just put their face here!

[Uh... Are you talking about how someone edited this part of The Wall so that it was Drumpf in there because of how much he talks about his stupid wall? ...You are aware that the entire point of the film and album is that those kind of walls aren’t good and should be broken down, right? You know that Roger Waters himself openly despises Drumpf, right? ...Right?]

Are there any authority figures in the crowd tonight? Well put them in The Wall! (Get. Them. All.) That one’s looking stressed, he wants to feel oppressed Put him in The Wall! (Post. His. Balls!)

[Oh yes, The Wall - a film about the cycle of abuse and the effects it has on people and how taking self-isolation to its most extreme is unhealthy for the health of one’s self as well as those around them, among many other things - is something that adults don’t take seriously, not like this web video that has lines talking about people posting some dude’s balls on social media for shits and giggles. (In case you couldn’t tell that was sarcasm.)]

And that one looks sheltered, like she never leaves her room I’ll be that friend that you can blame for all your gloom That one looks like he really wants to be outraged! Now with social media, you have the stage!

[...You know, as awful as the previous songs in this “review” were, at least they were about the film and album. This, however... What even is this?]

(This is the part where the five-person audience starts chanting “hashtag” which goes on until Doug and his two goons run outside, run back inside due to it being too bright out, and then start the next parody. There’s not much to comment on for that, it’s just stupid.)

[End “In the Flesh” parody, begin “Waiting for the Worms” parody]

(One, two, three, post it!) Ooh, you can’t convince me now Ooh, I’m too far on my side Goodbye, nuance I never will abide

[You are not one to talk about nuance, not regarding this film or album, and certainly not about the Change the Channel movement, which this parody is pretty transparently about as we’ll see soon enough.]

It’s us vs. them, I don’t even know who us or them are

[“Us and them, and after all we're only ordinary men.” Come on, man, I know it’s not from The Wall, but the opportunity was right there. Actually, since Rob Walker is there as the Charts Guy (a recurring character in Doug’s reviews), you could’ve even thrown in a “Have a Cigar” reference if you wanted (also not from The Wall, but still). I know at this point I’m nitpicking, but I’m forcing myself to watch a “review” where a guy dressed himself like a Nazi to make a blatant “take that” statement against his “haters” without understanding and/or caring why the Nazi comparisons were there in the original; if Doug Walker doesn’t give a shit about those kind of details, then why should I.]

I just wanna be angry so I can be (Tweeting) About those who hate me (Tweeting) I need their attention (Tweeting) Love me or hate me, just look at me more

[Sadly one can’t say that this train wreck of a “review” didn’t make at least some people look at Doug Walker again even after they didn’t want to.]

(Tweeting) Whatever side you choose, just don’t ever wane (Tweeting) Waiting for the point

[I’d joke about how that’s how most people felt about the video at this point, but everyone has made that joke already. Everyone.]

Don’t fear that you’re wrong Just fight until the end, my friend

[At this point I could just say “Okay, Boomer” at every line in these two parody songs and it’d be about as meaningful as all of Doug’s comments about the actual film. Remember, the film he’s parodying here and supposed to be reviewing (allegedly)? The film he’s not mentioned once in this particular parody?]

All you need to do is fight off something Don’t worry! As long as you don’t see me as human, You can hate me all you want! Because remember, this can never happen to you! I’m bad! You’re good! The more extreme you can get the more happy you’ll become! They’ll put that person whose face you hate here, and tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet!

[...Doug, please tell me you didn’t have these parody songs in mind first as a sort of rebuttal against your detractors and then used it as an excuse to make a “review” for the actual film in this style as well as a whole parody album of it...

Also, this may be another nitpick, but towards the end the guys aren’t even “marching” in time to the music. Because of course they’re not.]

#Blapis tears down NC's The Wall #Nazi mention //#long post #bold text warning #eye strain //

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hermioneisavirgo-blog · 5 years

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Lover Album Review

After listening to Taylor Swift’s 18-track album all the way through, my mind is blown. I grew up with Taylor’s music, as I first heard “Fearless” when I was 12 years old and have been an avid listener ever since. I just moved into my first apartment in Minneapolis, and I am so pleased that “Lover” can be the soundtrack to the beginning of the rest of my life.

“I Forgot That You Existed” is a banger for a first track. This song emulates a different emotion than we have heard from Taylor before. The upbeat background and snaps create a foundation of optimism, goofiness, and sheer “indifference”. The lyrics are words that anybody can relate to - who hasn’t experienced that blissful feeling when you recognize that you haven’t thought of that dreaded person who shall not be named for days, or even weeks? I was instantly pulled in with this opener.

“Cruel Summer” made me fall in love even more. The beat immediately made me feel like an August night of sitting in the back of an Uber with my friends on a Friday night, windows rolled down and hair going crazy. With this track, we get our first “blue” used in the album. If you’ve listened, you know that the word “blue” appears all over the place. Taylor exemplifies the poetess in her with lines like, “Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes, and if I bleed you’ll be the last to know.”

“Lover”...what can I even say? Not much - this is first dance wedding reception material. This gives me such flashbacks to some of Taylor’s older country-esque songs, with bright-eyed excitement. I get the same feeling here as I do when I listen to “Enchanted” or “Hey Stephen”. However, in contrast to those songs, here she is taking control and stands in a pool of her own confidence as she boldly professes that she has grown and made strides from her days of hopelessly pining for men who weren’t really worth her time.

“The Man”. Okay. Thank you so much for this, Taylor. Made me think of “If I Were a Boy” by Beyonce. This is infused with the feeling of being “tired and angry” like “somebody should be”, which is how Halsey describes similar feelings of being bothered how the lowly boys of this world seem to get whatever the heck they want. You really would be the man, Taylor. Think, for real, as she’s even said in interviews: if she were a man writing songs about even the shortest of flings, that would never be considered taboo and worthy of shaming. This is made evident by the thousands of male singer-songwriters who do just that and are widely accepted.

“The Archer” gave me “Red” album vibes, but that’s just me. “I hate my reflection for years and years...” really got me. From the very beginning of this song, the underlying line grows steadily. It almost feels like one of those never-ending videos where the tone appears to be increasing but never really does...gave me a sense of infinity. Very lush, injected with an emotional pen as she recalls different perspectives from different lovers and relationships.

“I Think He Knows” made me want to DANCE. And I did. A lot. The beat is almost hip-hop club-ish with the bass. It seemed like such an interesting song in contrast to “I Know Places”, from “1989″, which has a haunting sound and alludes to the idea that it’s hard for Taylor to ever feel like she has privacy with her private life. With this song, she isn’t focused on the people looking in at her life, but instead she delves into that private relationship. It makes me feel like she is caring less and less about what people see and what people know. She’s just LIVING her life.

And now, we have reached my favorite song of the album. Thanks for this one, Taylor. Seriously. “Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince” doesn’t even sound like any “type” of Taylor we’ve heard before. With the very beginning notes, I called it that I would cry by the end of this. The first verse immediately made me picture the “You Belong With Me” music video with the band uniform and prom dress. Taylor portrays two different sides of a coin in that video, and I feel a bit of that in this song. I really hope she does a music video of this song. I have always loved her more haunting melodies, particularly in the “Red” album (or in “Dancing With Our Hands Tied” - the most underrated song on "reputation”), but this took it to an entirely new level. I am OBSESSED.

“Paper Rings” is so playful, and a great mental break after processing the absurd depth in the previous song. Gave me “Stay, Stay, Stay” vibes. She sound so jovial and happy in this song, and I am so glad to hear her this way.

“Cornelia Street” is one of the fully Taylor Swift-composed songs on the album. This type of song I see myself rocking out to as I power walk down the street in autumn. In the lyrics, she talks about how losing this love would be devastating to the point of taking eternity to heal from. It is a familiar feeling, when you are in so deep with someone who you feel has become a part of you, impermeably and forever.

“Death By a Thousand Cuts” starts off by explaining just what she means. “Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts...” which is an interesting line to hear right after “Cornelia Street”, which invests in the narrative that saying goodbye would be an impossible feat after experiencing connection this strong. The instruments in this song are layered (clear guitar at the beginning with shuffling beats that come in and even something that sounds like a harpsichord??) and even though the message is a painful one, this baroque-poppy feel makes me want to DANCE MORE. But maybe with a lot of moves that make it look like I am in excruciating pain lol.

“London Boy”’s beat is fire flame. It’s a give-in that this song is about Joe Alwyn and as someone who has seen “The Favourite”, I can attest to the dimples and the accent. It’s clear her relationship is not only a a deep love, but also lots of fun, adventure, stepping outside her comfort zone, and recognizing that she can find home in someone who doesn’t live in her own backyard (*ahem* “White Horse”).

“Soon You’ll Get Better” (feat. Dixie Chicks) is simply beautiful. Reminiscent of her country days, as well. Reminds me of “Never Grow Up”. Since the speculation is that this song is about her mother, I find it poignant and very “Taylor” that it’s track 12. “The Best Day” is also track 12 on “Fearless” and was always one of my favorites. Underneath the main message of trying to find comfort in a super tough and scary time, I find that Taylor is enunciating the idea that she is growing up and things will change in her relationship to her parents no matter what. That’s just the way of life. Very moving.

“False God” begins with a sexy little saxophone riff. Shortly after, we get to hear that poetic line she teased on her Spotify playlist: “And I can’t talk to you when you’re like this...staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town - I’m New York City!” The message with this song gives me a “bigger picture” sense. Even though she is making references to heaven and hell within interactions with her lover, I can also view the “times like this” that “they warned us about” as the times we are living in now: terrifying and unclear with a leader who professes division and tearing down much more than love and building up.

“You Need To Calm Down” is by far the single that I listened to the most before the album dropped. As a queer woman who “passes” as a “straight” cis woman and who took a very long time to admit to herself and others the truth, this song greatly boosted my confidence in Taylor as she opens up about where she stands, loudly and proudly. And that beat is so VIBRANT and fun.

At the start of “Afterglow”, we get yet ANOTHER use of “blue”. (There are lots that I didn’t mention, but it just is so prominent here.) This is a beautiful, lush, apology song in which Taylor unveils how deeply she wants her lover to stay despite her shortcomings and miscommunications. I felt this one hard and wish I could play it for a lot of my ex-best friends.

“ME!” (feat. Brendon Urie of Panic! At The Disco) is colorful, glorious, confident, cheerful, and is something that I could see being played at a pep rally. The message is clear: being yourself will ultimately win you every prize that is yours to win. Whether that be a lover or whatever your heart desires!! This is a truth I have come to realize recently. It’s a hard, treacherous lesson, and I feel that Taylor is showing that she’s finally finding out what it means to be truly herself with this tune.

“It’s Nice To Have A Friend” is the cutest song Taylor has ever written and recorded, by far. I think I hear steel pan in the background, adding to the layered sound of playfulness. That trumpet in the middle is so triumphant and an interesting addition to the dynamic! It feels very innocent and loving, maybe she wrote this with her cats in mind :)

“Daylight” is a gorgeous closing track. As this wraps up the album, it is quite clear that Taylor feels like she can breathe more deeply now that she has met, known, and loved her lover. It appears that everything has changed, and she can see much more clearly. This song made me think of “Clean” from “1989″, due to the notion that she is leaving the darkness and fogginess and entering a world where she feels fresh and sees everything clearly. Her lover is obviously a wonderful match for her spunky, stoked, sensitive, Sagittarius self. “You are what you love.” What a precious way to close my favorite new album.

Overall - Taylor’s “Lover” incorporates many familiar Taylor sounds while also introducing lots of new things we’ve never heard. From the lush synths in “Cruel Summer” to Cautious Clay’s influence in “London Boy”, it is clear that Taylor has crafted something that signifies a new era for her. As she turns 30 at the end of this year, she has seven studio albums to be extremely proud of. Thank you, Taylor, for being such a strong beam of light as I navigated high school hallways, college parties, and the ups and downs of falling in love.

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summerdownbeach · 6 years

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Gonna edit for grammar and spelling later...

Getting a little irked here by the people defending Voltron S8, because they assume everyone's issues are purely related to shipping. I never really cared who ended up with who at all, (only that everyone should want to date Hunk because he's perfect boyfriend material). Guys, the writing was just bad. It was a poorly written season, a poorly written finale, and honestly, it gave a piss ass message about giving up and letting a friend destroy themselves for the greater good. Not gonna go into to much detail here but these are just a few of my complaints:

1. Pacing and Story telling. The pacing of this season was bizarre. They started off with essentially a filler episode to quickly throw in Allurance as cannon (with some hella stiff dialogue but we'll get to that later) and then had like... a few episodes to justify bringing back old characters so we could get a last glimpse. Then 2 filler episodes in a row, then a straight run to the finish with a thrown together plotline. Literally nothing in this show prefaced Haggar as the big bad. 90 percent of the time she didn't seem to even want Lot or around, much less want anything to do with Altea or her own affiliations. The Alteans who followed her never felt like fully thought out characters either. They ended the last season with the red haired Altean pilot giving way to tons of theories about her past and who she could be, but she was literally just a drone set to die 5 minutes after introduction. That's bad forshadowing.

2. Important off screen plot points. Why on earth would they do this? Why would pink general just suddenly switch to the coillition? Why did they make us think she died in the explosion and then backtrack two minutes later? Why did they end the show with Shiro and Adam's big gay kiss (yes, it's Adam, listen to the audio description, they literally day it's Adam) without ever establishing Adam's return? They could've easily spent a scene where team Voltron returns to earth to grieve and find that in this new timeline (because yes, it's a new timeline despite what the characters think, if destroyed planets are suddenly back) Adam didn't die and is waiting for Shiro. They could've given them a real moment, developed their (nonexistent on screen) relationship and at least made their big moment at the end less sudden and so clearly damage control from burying their gay last season.

3. Relationship dialogue. I don't want to harp on Allur*nce as a ship itself here. It's not my thing, but I'm positive fan fiction writers and fanartists have made some pretty awesome stuff that's well made and fun to read and look at. I'm strictly looking at the shows portrayal of it. My number 1 complaint? The bizarrely platonic dialougue whenever the two talk. I'll give Lance this, he seemed at least interested in their romance this season, but whenever she and Lance talked, it was all just so formal - and half of what she said was exposition. Even during their date, and Alluras big reveal about feeling alone on earth felt so strangely platonic, and I truly believe that is the gault of the writers. They should've planted moments of growth between these two seasons ago! Not simply kept going with this tired and unrealistic "boy wears girl down until she says yes" trope. Even if they w erent certain they were going to go ahead with Allura and Lance, they could've built in friendship bolstering moments. Then, this date could've been so much less clunky. And to have Lance tell Allura he loves her on the first date? Even if it wasn't unrealistic, it also takes out any of the impact that the phrase carries later. By the time of her sacrifice Lance has said it onscreen so much that "I love you" has little to no weight. No wonder it was so easy for Allura to yeet herself into the void - she never exactly returned his sentiments - being too busy with exposition dialogue to make any strides in their (budding) relationship. Again, I have no problem with Allur*nce, only the lazy and ineffective way it was portrayed in the last few seasons.

4. Allura's sacrifice. I'm not even going to get into the political implications of making the Black woman bear the burden of the universe on her shoulders to the point where she literally has to sacrifice her body and soul to save the cosmos. I'm talking the actual execution of how they went about it. There's this concept in fiction writing where your most dramatic scene, your climax, should use an economy of words and time to be the most effective. That's why it hurts so much in movies like Wonder Woman, and even Titanic, when lead characters die. There usually is no time for goodbye, or if there is, it's brief and visual. Instead, the writers chose to give Allura an absurdly long time to say goodbye to everyone, and what's crazy is, no one but Lance objected? Like at all? They just accepted right away that there was no other way. I never took them as a fatalist bunch but hey, why stick to human characteristics now. Clearly the only person who should object to you self sacrificing is your significant other. This is why so much sacrifice in narrative is done in a way that refuses to give loved ones time to react because any sane person would at least try to stop them initially, and grasp at straws for another solution. I hated how the team just shrugged their shoulders and let Allura kill herself for the greater good. Their silence wasn't tragic, it was lazy.

5. Their lions just... left? The universe is done needing defense? Just like that? How did everyone get home from their princess death picnic? Do they make uberpools for space travel? Did they all agree not to be paladins anymore before this? What about Hunks dream of handing off the reins of Yellow to the next generation of paladins? Why did they write it this way? Who did this? Who do I blame?

I think what frustrates me the most is that the comedic episodes were still good. I truly think filler has always been the strongest asset voltron had. The dynamics were always much stronger in the funny episodes, and it seems like they wasted a lot of potential this season with rushed plot points and filling plotholes off screen.

I have more issues with this season, and I'll post them when I feel like adding to this list, but to say that people didn't like S8 because their ship didn't happen is obnoxious, especially when a season full of plot holes and rushed explanations is what we were left with. And on the subject of dissappointment, i didnt go over it here, but people being upset at the queer baiting are so valid. Even if you weren't into Kl*nce, the producers pretty much tried to sell the show on it. To use lgbt content, especially content that was never going to be cannon, as a marketing tactic is despicable. While strides were made by the show, airing the first animation of men kissing on screen in an show aimed at kids, the victory leaves a bad taste when the couple in question was never justified in the narrative beforehand, and was used as a ploy to fulfill the promise of lgbt rep, without actually using any of the budding relationships developing in the show (not limited to Kl*nce by any means. They could've done Sh*ith, H*ith, H*nce, ect).

If this season felt complete and left you with a feeling of contentment, good for you, I too enjoy a guilty pleasure as much as the next person. That said, this was a badly written season on all fronts. I think they did Allura and Allur*nce dirty with the resolution. They missed opportunities for character development in favor of more repetitive space battles. Don't try to invalidate people's contempt at this season by defending the creators for making the show in the first place, when they didn't live up to the standards of narrative fiction to get a passing grade in a creative writing class.

And because I want to end on something nice, I thought that the meeting of the old paladins and the new paladins was very cool, and it was really interesting to see Zarkon interact with the paladins in a new way. So... at least there's that?

#spoilers #spoiler #voltron spoilers #voltron season 8 #vld #vld s8 #vld spoilers #vld season 8 #vld shiro #vld keith #vld lance #vldallura #vldpidge #vldhunk #voltron #voltron legendary defender #voltron legendary disappointment #voltron legendary disaster #voltron legendary discourse

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wxldchxld · 6 years

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Are you a Gold Star lesbian? (Just in case you don't know what it means, a Gold Star lesbian is a lesbian that has never had sex with a guy and would never have any intentions of ever doing so)

Who sends me this shit? Like I want to fuckin know because I’ve gotten this message multiple times. I addressed it once, and I have ignored it the others, and it fucking pisses me off because the message is offensive enough, but the fact I keep getting it is starting to make me boil.

First off, who anyone has fucked is never anyone’s business and going around asking about it is crass and it makes you a piece of shit.

Second and most importantly, it is not your place, my place, or anyone’s place to rank or define the sexuality of others and cause division in the LGBT community.

This question doesn’t deserve an actual answer. Last time I kinda blew it off. But this time, I’m going to give one because I feel like it’s become relevant to people in my life.

It’s important to realize that people change over their lives for a plethora of reasons. I spent many, many years trying to be straight and be happy as a straight person because I grew up in a highly religious household. In fact it’s only as an adult that I look back on my childhood and go “holy shit... I was gay AF.” And I was. I was attracted to women a lot as a young girl, but I was manipulated into believing those feelings were caused by jealousy or just an aesthetic appreciation of other people (the first is bullshit, the second is a thing but definitely not what was happening).

Not to be too TMI but I had no sexual education. For a very long time I didn’t know anything about sex at all. Literally. I knew it happened, and my mother told me it wasn’t fun, it was just something women did to make men happy. So of course when I was a teenager trying to force myself to be straight, I never slept with any men, but I did do things that made me incredibly uncomfortable, and I thought that was normal. When I told this to the therapist I had at the time, she told me that I didn’t like women and that if I did it was only because I was mentally ill. And this did an enormous amount of damage to me as a young woman.

As I got older and I slowly broke away from how indoctrinated I was, I became a little more flexible. I started to realize that I just couldn’t deny the fact that I liked women on more than a “wow I wish I had her boobs” level. Which sounds ridiculous, but it’s a verbatim quote from that therapist I mentioned a second ago. So now I was living in conflict. I was unable to change who I was and the realizations I’d come to, but I fully believed I would be eternally tormented in an afterlife and likely violently attacked by my family in this life who is very anti-gay and prone to violence anyway.

When I was twenty-two I went into college for a second time and near the end of my first semester I started to spiral. I couldn’t take living in this state of constantly fighting who I was, and also not even understanding who I was because I’d never been taught anything and I had no one I could have an honest conversation with without putting myself in danger. Luckily my psych teacher realized I was falling apart and took me down to the school councilor who helped me find a therapist.

...Who turned out to be a lesbian. The first person to ever sit me down and ask “do you even like men at all? when you look at them, do you feel sexual attraction?.” I said I thought so, and then I said I didn’t know, and finally after actually thinking about it and discovering that I’d found a safe space to think about it, I told her no. And I remember her telling me that was ok, and that it wasn’t unnatural.

Finally being able to say the words “I’m a lesbian” made a profound difference in my life. It’s why I don’t let anyone call me “queer” and why I even prefer it to being called gay. Other people can reclaim whatever the fuck they want, I don’t care, but for me it really, truly means something to be able to claim what I am at all. I am a lesbian woman.

And that’s where that stops. No one gets to put a number, a rating, a percentage, a scale on me. I have spent my entire life being told what I am, and I’m done with it. I define me. And so does everyone else. Some people don’t get the luxury of having it easy and always knowing/understanding what they’re feeling and even if they do, that doesn’t mean they are necessarily allowed to live the life they want. But if you’re only attracted to women and you identify as a woman, you’re a lesbian. Doesn’t matter if you’ve never slept with a man or if you’re married and have kids. I don’t get to say what you are and neither does anyone else.

The LGBT community is about creating a safe, inclusive space because straight people have been really fucking shitty to us, because they don’t understand us, and if you’re going to try and cause division in that community then you can get the fuck out. You aren’t a part of us, because clearly you don’t understand us. You aren’t welcome here. Not on my blog, not in the LGBT community, and hell not even in the lesbian community.

So in closing. Goodbye and fuck you. I’m not going to answer this again, and if I ever find out who is sending me this fucking bullshit I won’t just block you. I’ll make sure everyone knows what a piece of absolute garbage you are.

#mun rant #tw rant #i can't think of any other triggers to add to this #but i realize this is sensitive #so if anyone at all needs an additional tag for this just tell me #Anonymous

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weallneedoxygen · 6 years

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here’s the essay on why eddie’s gay @richietoaster

The point of this post is to prove why Eddie Kaspbrak from Stephen King’s It franchise is gay, and how he could’ve possibly had feelings for Stephen King’s Richie Tozier. In this post, I will look through the pieces of evidence in every It installment, the 1990’s mini-series, It Chapter One, and Stephen King’s novel. This does contain major spoilers for every installment of It, so please be warned.

The first pieces of evidence I will look through will be the 1990 miniseries.

In the 1990 miniseries, Eddie’s greatest fear is up for argument. He meets Pennywise when he tries to get out of showering after gym class, but his gym teacher catches him and he still has to shower, now by himself. He turns on the water and Pennywise appears, coming through the drain, giving the whole “you’ll float too” monologue, plus the additional calling Eddie a “girly boy”. The term “girly boy” is obviously a derogatory term against gay men, and is used in both the miniseries and the novel. Eddie’s greatest fear is up for argument because him not wanting to shower with the other boys, plus being called a girly boy leads people with views similar to mine to believe that his greatest fear is his own sexuality. Other people argue that no he didn’t want to shower because at the beginning of the scene Eddie’s mom says, “No showering with the other boys this week, I don’t want you catching germs” and he didn’t want to shower because he didn’t want to disobey his mother. I don’t think this is true, because in very scene before that, Eddie was completely fine with breaking her rules and hanging out with the Losers club. Also, since this scene was so different than the one in the book, why do they both allude to Eddie being gay? Why is that, when the plot of each scene is ground down, about homosexuality? If Eddie’s greatest fear truly was about germs, like many people argue, wouldn’t the shower scene, which Stephen King wrote, mention germs and disease, instead of a slur?

In the miniseries. Eddie is not given a wife, contrary to the book, and still lives with his mother, but he is still very much successful and runs a limousine business. Not giving Eddie a wife could’ve been one of two things: The directors and producers not wanting to hire an actress or the director's way of coding Eddie as gay in one of many ways. Later in the movie, he is asked about his relationship status, he lies and tells the losers club that he’s currently seeing someone. When they are in the library, Pennywise greets the Losers Club, giving all of them a disturbing message or question. When he gets to Eddie, he says, “How’s your sex life, what’s your sex life?” Which is an interesting thing for the director add into the script, with that line not appearing in the book. Before they go to see Pennywise again, Eddie confesses that he was lying earlier in the movie and that he’s never seen anyone. Richie asks if that means he’s a virgin, and Eddie says yes. Richie responds with “Thanks for sharing pal, but I can’t help you with that.” Bill tells Richie to let Eddie speak, and Eddie continues to say that he could never sleep with someone he didn’t love, and he hasn’t loved anyone besides the losers club. The line “I could never sleep with someone I didn’t love,” doesn’t exactly out Eddie as gay, but it does out the albatross and his need to lie about his sex life.

In the miniseries, Richie and Eddie have a very close relationship. As kids, Richie is constantly teasing Eddie and calling him Eddie Spaghetti, which Eddie says he hates. Richie teases all the other members of the losers club, but he seems to have the closest bond to Eddie. Eddie’s death towards the end of the movie is, anticlimactic, to say the very least, and isn’t the beautiful, heart-wrenching scene we get in the book, and is borderline obsolete to their bond. But at the very end of the movie, Mike is talking about what all the losers are up to. He gets to Richie, who’s starring in a new movie, and says “He co-stars with another comic, a guy any of the lucky seven could’ve told you looks and acts like Eddie Kaspbrak.” This line also appears in the novel, and I would feel stupid trying to explain why this an obvious example of how close and not quite platonic Eddie and Richie’s relationship was.

In the latest installment of the It franchise that came out in September of 2017, there aren’t many clues or hints that would lead the audience to believe that Eddie is gay. In the scene where he meets Pennywise, he is walking past the Neibolt house when you can hear a mysterious voice in the background asking, “Eddie, what are you looking for?” Suddenly, Eddie drops his medicine. As he picks it up, a leper begins to hand him one of his dropped pills, asking if he thinks the pills will help him. Eddie runs away and escapes. There isn’t too much to unpack here, Eddie doesn’t like disease, and a diseased person won’t leave him alone. The only veiled part of this scene is the meaning to the line, “Eddie, what are you looking for?” While keeping in mind that in the miniseries Eddie’s greatest fear is his own sexuality, Eddie could be looking for answers to his sexuality. Richie’s biggest fear in the movie is clowns, which doesn’t really come up anywhere but one scene. Eddie goes missing in the Neibolt house, and Pennywise tricks Richie and lures him into this room full of clown statues, where he knows either Eddie or Pennywise is hiding, but he risks it anyways to find Eddie because his true biggest fear at that moment is losing Eddie.

After Eddie breaks his arm and Pennywise is slowly coming towards the losers, there is an infamous moment where Richie pushes past Bev and Bill to grab ahold of Eddie’s face, so Eddie will look at him instead of Pennywise, so that won’t be the last thing Eddie sees before he dies. Otherwise in the movie there aren’t any other moments, just very small things like Richie kicking off all his jokes with Eddie, asking Eddie if he has a quarter when they approach Pennywise’s well, Eddie handing Richie an icecream cone, them being the only two talking when the walk into Ben’s room, and only talking to each other, Eddie only hugging Richie goodbye at the end of the movie, them having similar rainbow clothing, small, soft things.

In the novel, Stephen King leaves Eddie’s sexual identity up to discussion.

In the chapter dedicated to adult Eddie, Eddie Kaspbrak Takes his Medicine, Eddie is a successful businessman unhappily married to Myra Kaspbrak with no children. In Eddie’s own words, he married his mother. Later, in a state of panic on page 776-777 Eddie thinks to himself, in a book or movie what I found out the day Bowers broke my arm (that his pills were placebo) would have changed my life forever and nothing would have happened the way it did . . . in a book or a movie it would have set me free. In a book or movie it would have set me free. In a book or a movie I wouldn’t have a suitcase full of pills back in my room. . . I wouldn’t be married to Myra. . .”

Eddie’s mother, Sonia Kaspbrak, who had a severely bad case of munchausen by proxy, emotionally abused him by constantly telling him how sick and fragile he was and made him dependent on her. On page 559 she says to Eddie after talking about two male neighbors, “Any two men who bother keeping a house so nice must be queers,” Eddie’s mother had once said in a disgruntled sort of way, and Eddie hadn’t dared ask for clarification. This shows Eddie’s mother is homophobic, which wasn’t too uncommon in the 1950’s, but it also shows that Eddie is aware and uncomfortable about this. Throughout the book there are situations similar to these, King’s way of showing the intolerance in Derry, Maine.

Eddie’s biggest fear in the book and movie adaptations are disease and sexuality. The two go hand in hand because in the 1950s homosexuality was completely taboo and seen as something dirty. There were many rumors about diseases you could get from gay sex going all the way into the 1990s. Since Eddie is so afraid of disease (thanks Sonia) it makes complete sense why Eddie wouldn’t embrace any part of his sexuality due to thinking that it could make him sick. Pennywise, in the book, turns into a pedophile leper for Eddie while he is wandering around Neibolt house. This fear is deprived specifically from when Eddie was playing down at the train tracks when a homeless man with syphilis offers him a blowjob for a dime, a nickel, then finally telling Eddie that he’ll blow him for free, something that is repeated throughout the book whenever Eddie is greeted by Pennywise.

Eddie and Stan are the only two losers who aren’t attracted to Bev. But it could be argued that just Eddie is the only one who doesn’t have a crush on Bev. During the sewer orgy scene, Eddie is the only one who genuinely does not want to have sex with Bev. Note page 1098, He tries to pull back but she holds him. . . “Bevvie, I can’t do that. I don’t know how-”. . . “No, I can’t!”. While not being attracted to Bev, Eddie has a crush on Bill, the leader of the losers club and the one who ultimately defeats Pennywise. A few pieces of evidence of this attraction can be found on page 293, (eddie) remembers that he loved Bill Denbrough, he remembers that well enough. Bill never made fun of his asthma. Bill never called him a sissy queer boy. . . When you ran with Bill you ran to beat the devil and you laughed. . . but you hardly ever ran out of breath. And hardly ever running out of breath was great, so fucking great, Eddie would tell the world. When you ran with Bill, you got your chucks every day. You may also cite page 296. Bill looked up at Eddie. His eyes were clear and warm, sympathetic. Eddie was suddenly sure Big Bill knew exactly what he had been thinking, and he was ashamed. Page 319. And at the end (eddie) burst into shrill tears, his thin body shaking. They all looked at him uncomfortably. . . Bill gave him an awkward hug while the others glanced away, embarrassed. “That’s a-all right, E-Eddie. It’s o-o-okay.” (That last example wasn’t the best but I forgot to bookmark all the affectionate moments so take what I have). Also cite page 732. Eddie glanced briefly at Bill, who was looking into the clubhouse, and there was all the love and hero-worship in that gaze needed to answer such a question but Eddie said softly, “Some stuff has to be done even if there is a risk. That’s the first important thing I ever found out I didn’t find out from my mother.”

It is finally the time to talk about Eddie and Richie’s relationship in the novel. Enjoy.

Richie’s #1 nickname for Eddie is ‘Eds’, which Eddie says he hates. When thinking back on the nickname years later as an adult, he says on page 292, Man, he had hated it when Richie called him Eds. . . but he had sort of liked it too. It was something . . . like a secret name. A secret identity. A way to be people that had nothing to do with their parents’ fears, hopes, constant demands. Richie couldn’t do his beloved Voices for shit, but maybe he did know how important it was for creeps like them to sometimes be different people. While there is a lot to unpack here, the most notable things are how he says that Richie gave him a secret identity, and that it was important for ‘creeps’ like them to sometimes be different people.

I shall now go on to cite many incidents in which Richie calls Eddie ‘Eds’: page 301, Richie came bopping down to the stream, glanced at Ben with some interest, and then pinched Eddie’s cheek. “Don’t do that! I hate it when you do that, Richie.” “Ah, you love it, Eds,” Richie said, and beamed at him. Page 304, Get up, stop it, you’re splattering mud on me! Eddie cried. Richie jumped to his feet a second time and pinched Eddie’s cheek. “Cute, cute, cute!” Richie exclaimed. “Stop it, I hate that!” page 349, “That’s cause they know how cute you are, Eds- just like me. I saw what a cutie you were the first time I met you.” Sometimes you’re really a turd, Richie.” I believe King wrote this as a parallel to how young boys will often tease girls that they have a crush on. While Richie teases Eddie unlike how he teases the rest of the losers, he’ll also be very gentle with him. Page 709, Richie dug (eddie’s) aspirator out of (eddie’s) pocket. “Bite on this, Eddie,” he said, and Eddie took a hitching, gasping breath as Richie pulled the trigger. Page 991, The others burst out of the bushes which overhung the bank one after the other. Richie and Eddie were last, Richie with one arm slung around Eddie’s waist, his dripping specs clinging precariously to the end of his nose.

(This has nothing to do with this essay but I really wanted to include it. Enjoy). This takes place on page 733 “There’s a door down there,” Eddie said, zipping his fly as he came back. “Hope you shook off, Eds,” Richie said. “If you don’t shake off each time, you can get cancer, my mom told me so.” Eddie looked at him, thinly worried, and then saw Richie’s grin. . . “of course, you can never shake off completely,” Richie went on. “You want to know what a wise man once told me, Eds?” “No,” Eddie said, “and I don’t want you to call me Eds anymore, Richie. I mean, I’m sincere. I don’t call you Dick, as in, ‘You got any gum an ya, Dick?’ so I don’t see why-” “This wise man,” Richie said, “told me this: ‘no matter how much you squirm and dance, the last two drops go in your pants.’And that’s why there’s so much cancer in the world, Eddie my love.”

Richie’s biggest fear is sort of difficult to pin down. The very first fear we see from him is a werewolf, then a statue of a lumberjack, then being a giant eyeball, then being forgotten by his friends. There are theories that the werewolf is a metaphor for how he feels toward his bisexuality, one half is a handsome, clean cut, normal man, the other is this horrible monster. With the amount of metaphors King has in his books this theory isn’t very far fetched, but I’m still a bit skeptic. Richie, since he was a child was entirely aware of how bad it would be if he were to be caught touching another boy, even just innocently, and he’s too afraid to put his arm around Bill while Bill was crying. But when Eddie dies Richie makes absolutely no hesitation to hold him in his arms and when Richie calls him Eds for the last time, and Eddie begins to say “Don’t call me that, you know I always-” Eddie he pauses, and in the book it says that he is thinking how to finish. Eddie has said this to Richie his whole life, so one would think that he wouldn’t need any cognitive ability to finish that sentence, but no, Eddie gives it some thought, as if maybe he’d want to change what he’d been saying for so many years, and in his final moments make a confession of some sort, but tragically, Eddie dies before he finishes what he was about to say. Richie then insists that they get him out of the sewer because he knew Eddie wouldn’t have wanted to die there, but they can’t so Richie simply says goodbye and kisses him on the cheek.

This concludes my essay on why I believe Eddie Kaspbrak from Stephen King’s It franchise is gay, and how he could’ve possibly had feelings for Stephen King’s Richie Tozier. In this paper I went through the pieces of evidence in every It installment, the 1990’s mini series, It Chapter One, and Stephen King’s novel. I sincerely hope that in It Chapter Two the directors pay attention to Eddie’s gay coding.

#reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #gay #the losers club #it 2017 #it 1990 #stephen king

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silentassassin21 · 5 years

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I just saw Endgame and had a lot of Thoughts, so I’m going to put them under the cut

This will be in more or less chronological order, but I’m a mess so get ready.

I liked this more than Infinity War by a considerable margin

The character arcs were really well done, they all ended in a really satisfying way

I get why some people don’t like them, but I absolutely loved the end credits. It was kinda corny but I really liked the og six with the clips and the signatures

They broke my heart in the first fucking minute with Clint’s family. Fuck u marvel

Nebula and Tony being friends and passing the time playing games was so fucking cute

Her putting him in the chair after he falls asleep was so sweet

The message to Pepper obviously broke me, just like it did in the trailer

I love that Carol saves them, and I love that they didn’t draw out Tony and Nebula being in space

Tony immediately saying “where is-” and then Pepper running up to hug him made my heart melt

Also made me cry

First cry of the movie

Second cry was a few moments later when Rocket sits next to Nebula and they hold hands silently

I absolutely love that Tony doesn’t forgive Cap. I love that he says “I knew this would happen. I knew we needed a shield around the world. And I knew we’d lose, and you said we’d do that together, and then you weren’t there.” That entire confrontation was fantastic and I was very much so in favour of it

Thanos being killed almost instantly was great, even if I am pissed that Nebula wasn’t the one to do it

When Thanos said he destroyed the Infinity Stones to atoms I assumed that they were gonna need Scott to put them back together by turning hella small. Not surprised I was wrong, that would’ve been dumb

Steve going to therapy finally, halle-fucking-lujah

Not to give Marvel too much credit, but I appreciated the guy at the support group being queer and talking about going on a date with a man and it never being commented on

Hopefully they’ll finally grow a pair and give us a queer hero [cough] billyandteddyandamericaanddavid [cough]

Scott and Cassie hugging was the third cry

Carol’s hair looks fantastic, I hope she has it short from now on

Tony with his daughter made me feel so many things

Every single moment of them together made me nearly start convulsing in my seat from how cute it was

I love New Asgard

Did not love the fatshaming underlying the entire movie, that can go fuck itself

Korg wearing Taika’s iconic shirt was great, as was “nudeboy69″ or whatever calling him a dickhead and Thor threatening him

All the stuff in Tokyo was great, but the positioning of the subtitles really fucking annoyed me. Just put them at the bottom of the screen!!

Bruce and the Hulk coming to an understanding was also great

Can Hulk, like, get it?? Because I’ve been having this debate with myself for a few hours and I think I finally get what Thor finds so hot

Didn’t love the extended awkwardness with the teens wanting a picture

Loved the nuance in Tony and Pepper’s conversation about bringing everyone back

Also Tony’s “not that it’s a competition or anything but she loves me 3000″ was all adorable

Even though I’m glad he originally refused to forgive Cap, I like that now he’s willing to put that aside for the greater good

Dunno why but Cap and Natasha lying on a table while Bruce lies on the floor and Nat saying “are you telling me that at some point there were three infinity stones in new york” was so funny, but it was

Thank god they weren’t in the quantum suits for too long!

Now, the separate missions. First, ASGARD

Fourth cry of the movie was when Thor was talking with his mother

I love that he got to say goodbye to her and not Odin. Frigga’s always been underappreciated imo and I loved that entire conversation

Those are literally all my thoughts. Onto NEBULA AND RHODEY

Them making fun of Peter’s dumb singing and dancing was fantastic

Thanos can go fuck himself

Skipping ahead a bit, but I love the symmetry between past!Nebula batting Gamora’s hand away and present!Nebula later accepting her sisters help

Throughout the whole movie, their scenes were some of my favourites

Now CLINTASHA

Fifth cry of the movie lads

Them both determined not to let the other die and doing everything to try to sacrifice themselves broke my heart, and then Natasha saying “it’s okay” and falling to her death, broke my fucking heart

And then Clint waking up in the lake with the soul stone and just losing it

My heart

And finally, NEW YORK

There is no heterosexual explanation for the first thing Tony says to be “wow cap i did ur ass no favours”

Why was he looking at his ass?? Because he’s a bi disaster of course

I do love Scott then saying “that’s america’s ass”, and then later steve looking at his own ass and going “that is america’s ass”

Loki is such a little shit and I love his overdramatic ass

I love when Steve’s fighting himself and then his past self goes “I can do this all day” and present Steve is just like “jfc i know kid”

Steve seeing Peggy emotionally destroyed me

Tony’s entire talk with his dad hurt me in a way I didn’t know I could be hurt

Skipping ahead, I love that after Bruce snaps it’s so quiet. I love that the only indication that it’s work before Thanos comes in wrecking shit is Scott seeing and hearing the birds and Clint getting a call from Laura

There were several moments in the ensuing chaos where I legitimately thought Clint was going to say “fuck” and I am deeply disappointed he didn’t

I know lots of people are going to like it but I fucking hated that Cap gets the hammer. Idk, everything about that rubbed me the wrong way

“on your left” was showstopping, amazing, spectacular, magic, perfect, all the extremely positive adjectives

In a movie, I haven’t felt the joy I felt seeing everyone come in to help save the day in a long time

Valkyrie is on a FUCKING PEGASUS GUYS HOLY SHIT

PEPPER IS IN AN IRON SUIT BECAUSE THEY’RE AN IRON FAMILY I’M FREAKING OUT JUST TYPING THIS

The fight was a giant mess and I loved it

I mean mess in the most complimentary way possible btw

Peter and Tony’s reunion was cry number six(?) holy fuck that shit got me

I’m not even an A:TLA fan but I can’t be the only one whose first thought when Strange starting manipulating the water was “he’s a water bender!!” right

Peter going into attack mode and then just being saved over and over by powerful women was amazing

SPEAKING OF POWERFUL WOMEN

Carol just coming in and fucking obliterating Thanos’ ship was glorious

And then her going to Peter and him stuttering out a “hey” and her going “you have something for me” and him going “will you be okay alone” and then just ALL THE WOMEN GATHERING AROUND HER AS OKOYE SAYS “SHE WON’T BE ALONE”

AND THEN ALL THE WOMEN JUST RUN INTO THE BATTLE

Let’s give Evangeline Lilly what she wants and make an all female avengers movie, GUYS

Strange showing the one finger to Tony made me feel a lot of things

Tony’s death was perfect

I still don’t like that neither Gamora nor Nebula got to kill Thanos, but it could have been a lot worse

I appreciate that the Russos knew that the people that needed to be there while Tony died were Rhodey, Peter and Pepper

Rhodey being the one to steady him and being the first one there, and then Peter saying “we won mr stark” already made me feel a lot of things

BUT THEN

Pepper reassuring Tony that she, his daughter, the entire world are safe and that he can rest now was cry number 7

The light going out under her hand, OH MY FUCKING GOD

That entire funeral was so fucking beautiful

The “proof that Tony Stark has a heart” being put out on the lake with the flowers just meant the tears kept coming

The entire sequence was genuinely filmed really beautifully, with the camera weaving throughout the guests

I love that Harley was even there

As much as I loved his cameo, I do wish that Stan Lee’s cameo was in this scene

The scene between Morgan and Happy was so sweet

All the subsequent scenes were really lovely: Clint and Wanda with the “she knows. they know”; Hope, Scott and Cassie all looking up at the fireworks; T’Challa, Shuri and Ramonda looking out over Wakanda; Thor making Valkyrie the leader of New Asgard and joining the Guardians; all of it was really wonderful

I’m most definitely not a big fan of Steve Rogers, but I adore how they wrapped up his story

I do wish he and Bucky had gotten a moment, but other than that

Him going back and living a full life with Peggy, and then passing the mantle of Captain America onto Sam was so perfect

Cry number 8 came the second I realised what they were going to show when they started zooming in on a 50s-era house. I didn’t know two people dancing could make me feel so many things but here we are

This wasn’t a perfect movie by any means, but in almost every way it was a perfect ending

I really hope I get to see it in theatres again

#avengers: endgame spoilers #my thoughts

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polymousecoco · 3 years

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First Dates

Tuesday, June 29, 2021 I had one of the most wonderful dates yesterday (skip to Katia). But I thought I should probably talk about my previous dates as well.

Becca

I talked about her before in a previous post, but I wanted to write about it again now that I’ve had time to process my feelings surrounding what had happened.

My first date with a girl happened on May 18, 2021, but it was so unclear whether it was a date or not that it was hard to count it as such. When I was talking to Becca, I was initially refreshed by her first impression on me via Bumble because her pickup line was, "Hey! Your perfect date sounds like mine, except I would add popcorn!" So it was easy for me to segue into talking about a date by responding back to her with, "Is that your way of asking me out on a date?" *winky face*

Anyway, I should have probably picked up that she was quite self involved when I was always initiating the conversation after our initial interaction.

Turn off #1: When we finally went on our date, she talked a lot about herself, but when I would try to add to the conversation, I could feel her interest levels decreasing, so I would redirect the conversation back to her and she would pep right back up.

Turn off #2: When I asked her, "What's your love language?" Her immediate answer was, "I hate physical touch." I understand physical touch is not everyone's cup of tea, but she didn't answer the question. She answered the opposite of the question.

Turn off #3: She told me that she had just gotten out of a serious relationship and she didn't know what she was looking for (which was totally fine with me!), BUT then she went on to say how she didn't even want to go on dating apps and her friend was the one that forced her to open up the app and go on dates. So that made me feel like she didn't even want to be on that date with me.

In the end, it was just a terrible match and I decided not to contact her again.

While I was on this date, my husband told me he was initially okay and then later on, his stomach was in knots. He just mentioned it to communicate with me his own experience. He explained that he thinks he felt like that simply because it was the first time he had to go through the experience of me going on a date with another person.

When I came home and told him how horrible the date was, he was actually really sad for me and wished that it wasn't so horrible. It was really sweet that he chose to comfort me afterward. I really love that about our relationship.

Ray

My next date with a different person happened on June 19, 2021. Ray lives about 145 miles away from me, so we knew this would be a long distance relationship if it panned out. We have been texting each other and basically sending very long messages to each other quite often since April.

They’re quite experienced in ethical non-monogamy and I really love their well balanced view on life. We’ve shared a lot of deep conversations and I’ve gone on a video chat date with them prior to our in person date. I also really appreciate that they check in with me quite often and that we freely talk about our husbands and other people that we’re romantically interested in, while also maintaining a relationship in which we are potentially romantically interested in each other as well.

For our in person date, we met up at a state park and had a picnic together. It was unfortunately ridiculously hot, but we found a nice shelter with a beautiful view of the lake, so we were able to enjoy our food together in the shade. Afterward, we walked and talked with each other. I ended up asking if I could hold their hand and they consented. (Their hands were really soft).

We dipped our toes in the lake while talking about all sorts of things. They had mentioned to me that they’re autistic and get overwhelmed by too much stimulation, so when we dipped our toes into the lake, I checked in with them to make sure that they weren’t overly stimulated. While we were on our date, we talked about all sorts of things. Our date lasted for about 4 hours and we texted each other when we safely made it home. We’ve continued texting since then, but I feel like our in person meetings will be sparse because of the distance.

My husband ended up going on a hiking date with another girl while I was on my date with Ray. So we came home and briefly shared how things went. I love that we’re able to share about these things so openly.

Katia

My wonderful date that happened yesterday (June 28, 2021) was with Katia. She and I both love anime and sent each other essays when we first started talking to each other. I love that she also sent me voice memos because I was definitely attracted to her voice when I first heard it. I told my friends that when I heard her voice, “I would do stupid things for this woman.”

For our date, we met up at a milk tea place. It was really cute and she accidentally thought we were meeting at 4:30pm instead of 4pm. There was a lot of rain and so there was also a lot of traffic. I’m always prepared to keep myself entertained whenever I go out, so I just read fanfic on my kindle while waiting for her. It all worked out and we hung out at the shop until it stopped raining.

Then we went to a park and had our little picnic. I prepared a really cute bento box for her and she LOVED it. As soon as she saw what I had prepared for her, she asked if she could hug me because she was so happy. She immediately asked if she could take a picture so that she could show her boyfriend to make him jealous lol

I love her sense of humor. Throughout our date, we were able to laugh about everything and nothing. I held her hand and we noticed that the position in which we were holding hands felt kind of funny because we were so used to a certain way of holding hands. She joked around that it was because we’re both submissive that we had to figure out who’s hand would be on top.

I decided to kidnap her and take her to the Asian grocery store before it closed and she loved it. She joked that I could kidnap her any day. On our way back, I asked her if she would ever be interested in roller skating or ice skating together. She said she’d be too scared, so I told her about how my friend in Canada suggested it as a wonderful date idea because if the other person doesn’t know how to skate, they can just cling on to you the whole time. When she heard that, she immediately clung onto my arm (while I was driving) and was like, “Oh, I see. So you just want me to cling onto you, huh? Well I can do that for you without having to go ice skating.”

She then proceeded to take a nap on my arm because she got really tired, so I let her rest while I drove us back to her car. It was really pleasant. When she woke up, she made me laugh and she told me that my arms would tense when I would laugh and she had fun observing that.

We finally got back to her car and we were about to say goodbye. She gave me a hug and then looked at me and asked, “Did you want to kiss?” I nodded, so we kissed each other and HOLY FUCKING SHIT. THAT WAS FUCKING AMAZING. I WANT TO KISS GIRLS ALL THE TIME. and apparently, my face got really flustered and she had to ask if I was okay, while I responded, “YES. I’M OKAY. I’M VERY OKAY. I’M MORE THAN OKAY.”

So she asked, “Did you want some more?” and FUCK YES. SHE GAVE ME 3 MORE KISSES. They were so fucking soft and sweet and electrifying?! It reminded me of when my husband and I kissed each other, but different. Like I wanna compare the two, but they’re incomparable to each other. So yeah… it ended really well. We texted each other when we got home safely. And we were both on some sort of high after our date.

I told my husband all about it and he thought my reaction to us kissing was really cute. He was smiling the whole time I was telling him about my date. Katia told me that she was really excited to tell her best friend and her boyfriend about our date too.

I love being poly. I love being queer. I love love.

#queer dating experience #beginning ethical non monogamy #ethical non monogamy #polyamorous while married #beginning polyamory #processing feelings #first dates #i kissed a girl and i liked it #queer #being in love with love #compersion #how do queer dates play out?

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lushclementine · 6 years

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Week 3 pt. 1

10.1

I just had my Italian class and was getting ready for the film festival my internship was going to have the following day. Nothing too exciting.

10.2 Ah day 1 of the film festival. Twas chaotic but in a good day. My internship if for an LGBTQ center so every year they host their annual queer film festival. NYU Grads and other judges come throughout the week to watch the films, judge and rank them.

The first film I got to watch was called “Rafiki” and was about a young woman in Kenya who finds love with another young woman. They want to live their lives unhidden and happy. However, they face violence within their community and sacrifices around happiness and well being have to be made. It was a very emotional film, and I quite enjoyed the visual colors and lifestyle depictions. I did struggle though because part of the film was in the characters native tongue and there were no english subtitles for that. It was just a lot of guessing on my end. It was a fun challenge though.

The film was followed with a series of short films, one called “Michael Joseph Jason John” which was about a man who has a one night stand with a man but never gets his name. The hookup has a switchblade in his pocket and you’re left wondering if he’s going to kill the man he’s hooking up with. The hookup leaves, leaving the guy to be haunted by the idea of “what if” their relationship continues. I won’t spoil out it ends but I was very entertained to say the list. The second short film was called “Fugaz” and was short, hilarious, and a good play on human desire. It’s about a man who makes a wish on a star and see’s his desire for a split second before reality comes back. 10/10 would suggest seeing when it’s released to the public (because I can’t find it on the internet).

There was also a live performance by Letizia Fuochi and she performed songs in Spanish which I’m assuming related to Spanish culture and Friday Kahlo. Her speeches were all in Italian so again I had to go off by guessing the subject via her backdrops and her songs. She was amazing and her song choices left me feeling a little more connected back to back home.

The final film of the night was called “1985″ and it was just flat out sad, a true tragedy. 1980 was the aids epidemic which you don’t pick up on till about mid film. The main character comes home to Texas for Christmas all the way from New York. His parents are very conservative and christian and his little brother is struggling with this. The son is balling out on gifts and trying to amend his relationships he had left behind when he left and uprooted his life as an adult. They keep talking about how he is always sick and how he seems sad and questioning where he is getting his money from. You realize that he is trying to tell them goodbye because he knows that he is dying. I was a MESS!

This day I also went to McDonalds for the first time here and I was slightly disappointed but also not. They make you pay for ketchup which is weird to me because in the states its free. They’re also just very aggressive with customer service and not in a good way. I had a better experience in Rome (which I’ll get to at the end of this post lol)

10.3 I went to the film festival early and it started off with a film called “killer plastics”. It was all in Italian no subtitles, and it was about this night club in Milan called Killer Plastics. It was wild, sweaty, colorful, and gritty. The woman interviews people who work or are regulars at the club. I had to infer a lot but I definitely want to see it with English subtitles because I feel like i would’ve enjoyed the interview portions had I known what was going on.

Then the short film portion occurred:

Chen Li (Sunken Plum): was about a trans woman in China who has to go back to her small town because her mother passed away and hid a bunch of money left for her. She struggles with going back because she has to pretend to be someone she is not, a man. You see her struggling with her identity and the strained relationship she had with her mom. She just wanted her mom to know the truth about who she was. There is a scene where she sees her mom as a ghost and her mother cries out that she accepts her and loves her. It’s very moving in a sense. She leaves the village appearing as the woman she is back in the city, she refuses to be ashamed of who she is. I found this short film captivating. At the end the directors shed light on the brutality many trans women face in China and give an homage to those lost to violence.

Davy and Goliath: this one was funny and definitely sexually graphic. A man goes in to an adult video store and goes into the video booth to do his thing. He finds a hole in the wall and ends up hooking up with the man who owns the store. There’s a major plot twist at the end which is hilarious and I really don’t want to give it away. If you’re into raunchy humor and want to laugh and don’t mind the graphics I say go watch.

Skai Blue: a British man has fallen into the same routine and is looking for company. He messages a man on a gay dating app and they immediately hit it off. He hesitates at first but finally caves in and hooks up with him. The man he later finds out needs help with finding a place to stay and eat. He takes him in and things are okay but he senses something is off. He finds his passport to realize that his lover is a refugee. He confronts him and the man explains that he knows nothing about the world he escaped and the man he left behind because he was afraid of the violence that would reoccur. The British man realizes her hurt the one he loved but realizes he also needs to let him go and help him return home to make things right. He does just that. It’s really bittersweet and I was left a little sad if I’m honest.

Violet and June: funny, quirky, adorable. Violent loves June who has a boyfriend. She tries to tell her and chickens out. She ghosts June to try and get over her but feelings catch up and she returns. Great ending, funny storyline and graphics. Wholesome. I loved it.

Then came the full length film: Becks This one was high budget and had well known celebrities like Hayley Kiyoko, Mina Suvari, and Dan Fogler. It was about a woman who gets cheated on and moves back in with her mother. She tries to get back on her feet by singing at her friends local bar and offering guitar lessens. She meets a woman who is married to a guy whom she hated in high school. She ends up falling for her and their relationship gets complicated. The movie was low key a mess and I did not know how to feel about it.

Short Film followed called No Me Olvides: A woman is at a grave and talking to her lover and she sees another woman. They talk and it’s super cute. As they finally leave together you find that the first woman's lover is a woman. Plot twist~

Then the Gay choir performed and it was super precious and I loved everything about it.

10.4

FINAL DAY FOR ME AT THE FESTIVAL! It started off on a very sad film

Dear Freddy: was about this amazing man named Freddy who lived during the Holocaust as a gay man. He was a gym teacher and cared a ton about children and their well being. He did amazing things for his community and in turn they learned to accept him and appreciate him. Unfortunately though he dies a mysterious death where they can’t tell if it was suicide or a murder. It was TRAGIC! The whole theatre cried. The world is filled with some true evil.

Short Films: Satyagraha: It was in Italian but silent for a lot of it. Followed a dream sequence on love and desire. Not being to have what you truly want. Really wild, visually pleasing but also graphic at certain points. It was very indie.

The Sermon: Very spooky for the season, about a girl who lives in an extremely religious small community. Her affair with an older woman is outed and her lover is taken and publicly and privately tortured. She exacts her revenge and lets just say it was wild!

The littles Trampette: Funny, silent film, and theatrical. Sweet and was fun to watch after a series of serious films.

Final film: Snapshots: A grandmother has her daughter and granddaughter stop by to visit. She is gifted film from a camera her granddaughter had found revealing pictures of the first woman she ever loved. It was funny, high budgeted, and explored multiple mother daughter relationships and desire. I liked it but also left early so alas i missed the end.

#personal #diary #abroad

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