#he gave us dean praying to cas in purgatory

[queermania]

Why does everybody hate Berens? What did he do?

apart from the j1/w*ncest crowd, i don't think people really do at all. he's kind of beloved in fandom. there is a (very small) group of us hellers, however, who have noticed that he is largely responsible for some of our least favorite things in dabb era specifically (but really just in general with how he writes). most of the angry!dean stuff comes from his episodes (he seems to be under the impression that dean is just angry and there's nothing else to it which is in stark contrast with the general dean thesis of 'i'm not mad. i'm worried.'). he also wouldn't know subtlety and nuance if it hit him over the head. and then there's all the racism, most specifically in regards to kaia, but it's in other places too. the racism is obviously the biggest issue, but it kind of gets glossed over for reasons i can only guess at but i'm sure include 'omg he's the destiel warrior! we wouldn't have destiel without him!' (which is simply not true. does robbie 'goodbye stranger' thompson mean nothing to you?)

[crackers4jenn]

Jeremy Carver didn't get the respect he deserves in that pollsnatural writers poll. I need to remind y'all who was doing a lot of the heavy lifting when it came to early destiel. Jeremy Carver wrote (or, was credited as the writer) for the following:

3x11 "Mystery Spot" - not a destiel ep, just a banger 👍

4x03 "In the Beginning" - aka the first hint of Cas being sympathetic to Dean. 3 episodes into Cas's existence Jeremy Carver was asking the big questions, like what would it look like if Dean and Cas stared all soulfully into one another's eyes??? I MEAN,

4x20 "The Rapture" - the Jimmy Novak episode. Gave us Dean's tranquil fishing dream, Cas's note-passing interruption. Gave us all the conflict of Dean witnessing Jimmy Novak in place of Cas. Gave us that mic drop "I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve Heaven, I don't serve man. And I certainly don't serve you" hell of a walk-off line.

5x03 "Free to Be You and Me" - do I even need to expand on this one??? "I need your help because you are the ONLY one who will help me," Thelma and Louise quote, Bert and Ernie quote, "you are not gonna die a virgin," the Raphael confrontation, etc etc Dean tells Cas it's the happiest he's been in years!!!

5x08 "Changing Channels" - another classic episode that's great even without the undercurrent of destiel. But undercurrent there is. One of the recurring themes of the episode is Dean being worried about what Gabriel's doing to Cas. Plus, helloooo, "pretty boy angel" Jeremy Carver's horniness for Misha CAME THROUGH.

5x18 "Point of No Return" - do you all not remember "last person who looked at me like that, I got laid" do you all not remember "I gave EVERYTHING for you, and this is what you give to me????" do you all not remember "what the hell happened to him? / "me"???? And a sidenote: do you all not remember Cas carving a banishing sigil into HIS OWN CHEST?????? Again I say, Jeremy Carver's crush on Misha CAME THROUGH.

8x01 "We Need To Talk About Kevin" - I'm pretty sure at this point JC became showrunner, so there was a ~shift in the blatancy of destiel in his writing, but still. This ep is the start of the Purgatory flashbacks, the first peek at Dean's guilt over Cas not making it out with him.

8x23 "Sacrifice" - the 'ET goes home" bar scene, the dozens and dozens of pages worth of meta about cupid and the arrows and the two dudes falling in love in front of Dean and Cas.

9x01 "I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here" - Dean's "please, man, I need you here" prayer to Cas, which miiiight be the first time he prays to Cas seriously. Their v. soft phone call sometime after where Dean is just as worried for Cas as Cas is for him. Plus, hey-o, would it be a Carver episode without objectifying Misha in some way? This is the ep with the infamous laundry scene, of Cas shucking off his clothes in a very poignant loss-of-identity horny way.

9x23 "Do You Believe in Miracles?" - uh, ever heard of "to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven but ultimately it was all about saving one man" which is pretty much a Castiel thesis statement dropped casually as dialogue.

10x01 "Black" - okay, picture this, Cas is depressed and lying wantonly atop a bed, clad only in a robe that's open juuuust wide enough his chest peeks through. To Sam, he wistfully admits "I miss him" as they tiptoe around the subject of Dean. Fanfic, you say? No, Jeremy Carver.

10x23 "Brother's Keeper" - there's a deleted scene of Cas showing up in Dean's dream, bloody and beat up, introduced by the bartender as Dean's "admirer." Not to mention! Winchester Derangement Syndrome. Not to further mention!! Shattered at the altar of Winchester.

11x01 "Out of the Darkness, Into the Fire" - gonna let this gif speak for itself:

[lorewhorebloodfreak]

finally finishing late seasons and. I get it now. early seasons fundamentally changed my brain chemistry. but they literally had Dean and Cas (and Sam) raise a child together. they gave us Dean dropping hitting on a waitress to give his full attention to singing with another man under bisexual lighting. Dean praying to Cas in purgatory. not to mention entirely unrelated how they keep laying it on thick with the subtext of Sam being vegetarian. Like they never ever address it he just stops eating meat (not that he really did to begin with) and switches to vegan bacon and meatless salads and stuff like he’s fully vegetarian and the alternate reality where he’s not a hunter he’s preaching kale and a whole foods diet which is mostly vegan anyway. and everything with Eileen is obviously fun. not to mention all the hot redheads like they just had a thing for powerful women with fiery red hair and it’s so sexy I’m obsessed with them for that. and the boys finally got a nice family dinner with Mary and John which was complicated because John was not himself but at least they were all together meanwhile their son and Dean’s husband weren’t invited but oh well

[tiktaalic]

purgatory is just like. where’s the angel. first we find the angel. where’s the angel (again). the stream is where you’ll find your angel. cas! dean. cas. big laugh and hug. damn it’s good to see you. nice peach fuzz. thank you. you feeling okay? why’d you bail on dean? dude--. the way i hear it you two hit monsterland and hot wings here took off. i figure he owes you some backstory. we were surrounded. some freak jumped cas and he obviously kicked their ass, right? no. what? i ran away. you ran away? i had to. that’s your excuse for leaving me? dean. you bailed and what, went camping? i prayed to you, cas. every night. i know. you know, and you didn’t--what the hell is wrong with you? there have been things hunting me from the moment we arrived. join the club! i have a price on my head and i have been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to--to keep them away from you. that’s why i ran. just leave me, please. hold on, hold on. cas. we’re getting out of here. we’re going home. dean, i can’t. you can! we’ll figure it out. cas, buddy, i need you. dean. if they wanna take a shot at us, let em. we can do it again. it’s too dangerous. let me bottom line it for you. i’m not leaving here without you. understand? i understand. you two are killing me. the risk of crossing purgatory with me is less than strategic. especially when you’re not certain if i can pass through the door you’re headed for. i don’t think it’ll work for me. you hear what he’s telling you, dean? your buddy’s saying--listen to me, you’re dead, blood junkie. i’m the one with the mojo, i’m the one with the plan. cas! we’re gonna shove you through the eye of the needle if it kills all three of us. we’re already done for. the angel knows it. we’re never going to make it through with him glowing like a beacon. do i need to remind you of our deal? of what you committed to? he is going to get us killed! even if it does exist, dean, it’s a human portal. there’s no proof i can pass--stow it, cas. you’re coming and that’s final. if it doesn’t work, thank you. for everything. save the hallmark, okay? it’s gonna work. no one gets left behind. let’s go. dean. wait. we gotta move, it’s closing. cas, dammit, come on! come on! i got you, hold on! dean! hold on! dean! go! something happened back there. things got rough, and he just--let go. you saw him die? i saw enough. dean, i’m sorry. me too. are you alright? no, i just saw something. what? cas. right there. and then earlier, on the road. i’m seeing him. i tried so damn hard to get him out of there. you know i could have pulled him out. i just don’t understand why he didn’t try harder. you did everything you could. yeah, well. then why do i feel like shit? hello, dean. i’ve been trying to reach out. how the hell did you make it out? i’m dirty. better? cas, can i talk to you outside? what? exactly, what. what the hell happened back there? purgatory? i told you i would get you out. we were there! it’s like you just gave up. it’s like you didn’t believe we could do it, i mean you kept saying you didn’t think it would work, did you not trust me? dean-- i did everything i could to get you out! everything! i did not leave you. you think this was your fault? bonehead move back there. you could have gotten yourself killed. why didn’t you wait for me? i didn’t get myself killed, and it worked. and if it hadn’t? it would have been my problem. well that’s not the way i see it. everything isn’t your responsibility. getting me out of purgatory wasn’t your responsibility. you didn’t get out! so whose fault was that? it’s not about fault. it’s about will. dean, do you really not remember? i lived it, okay. i know what happened. no, you think you know. you remembered it the way you needed to. look, i don’t need to feel like hell for leaving you, okay?. for failing you the way i fail every godforsaken thing i care about. i don’t need it! dean, just look at it. really look at it. it wasn’t that i was weak. i was stronger than you. i pulled away. nothing you did could have saved me because i didn’t want to be saved. what the hell are you talking about? it’s where i belonged. i needed to do penance. i didn’t deserve to be out. i planned to stay there all along, i just didn’t know how to tell you. you can’t save everyone, my friend. though you try. 

[fucktheroyals]

You know after reading and reading and reading peoples theories and the meta from before the spn finale aired and the meta writers reactions to the finale I think I have a theory of my own. We don't have any answers tho, so this is pure speculation. If you wanna add something to support or discredit any of this that's cool but there's too many things floating around. Know I dont have proof for this conclusion at all. A lot of what I say is just guesses based on previous facts.

This all came together in my head when I realized how much this finale REEKS of the original producers and who the show was originally for. It REEKS of Robert Singer. Like if the execs started saying they didn't want it, Robert Singer was the one pushing that the story was about the brothers. That kinda thing.

Then, I was thinking of the problems in this episode and it struck me these are all of Supernatural biggest issues and to be honest all of it feels completely deliberate.

Take the sexism for example, Supernatural in it's later seasons largely out grew this, we have Jody, Rowena, Donna, Charlie, Mary, Claire (and even a wayward sisters pilot with MORE women/girls) all making regular appearances. They're mainly good characters and mostly aren't there to hurt our boys. Rowena, of course, is the one outlier being very about herself but it's clear she still cares for them, I mean its part of her development. But they're all real, with character flaws just like everyone else. (And we have Death too and she was POC 😭 THANK GOD)

Now look at the earlier half of Spn, we have Ellen and Jo, who's appearances were far in between. There's Bela in season 3, recurring for quite a bit (5 eps), but she is a character that is only there for herself, definitely not found family (unlike Ellen & Jo), and she's got more episodes in season 3 than Ellen and Jo in season 2 who aren't seen again til season 5. The "fans" send in hate mail after hate mail to try to get these characters off, and eventually they are. Then there's Ruby who's character stayed for a whole two seasons and was a largely recurring character. Why does she get to say so long? She's a plot device. She's supposed to be there to betray Sam. She has to stay (plus Jared obviously likes her). But she's not just a character the writers like writing about. Same with Lilith. Obviously not as recurring but still a plot device. Did they get hate mail tho? You can bet on it. Why? because tHeY'rE gOnNa PuSh ThE bOyS (Dean and Sam) aPaRt ThE sHoW iS aBoUt ThE bOyS oNlY. Without even thinking about the hate mail, just notice how large the difference is from how women are seen in the earlier seasons to the later seasons. Misha got tons of hate mail too for being a character that could split up the boys (probably only being allowed to say because he a man, thanks sexist producers and execs).

Only after Castiel was killed off and then Castiel fans successfully (thank you guys) got him back on the show did the hate mail largely simmer, which means female character's were allowed to stay! Which has lead us to a show with a good amount of female characters. But can you imagine having to kill characters off time and time again because people keep complaining that the show is "only about the boys." Fun times really.

So now we get to this final and we see sexism. But it wasn't just the plain old regular sexism you find in the earlier days of spn. Because now, there ARE women to talk about, talk to. But this episode was DESOLATE women wise, unless they were used for plot (which is also sexist!). Small scenes, they're barely there. Women gets her tongue cut out. Random women from s1 gets killed. Sam doesn't SPEAK of Eileen. Nothing. No mention of any female characters from the boys mouths unless they were from/in this episode itself. That's WIERD. I know we've all said it. But that goes beyond forgetting about characters. I mean its SAM'S GIRLFRIEND for Christ's sake. There is NO REASON they couldn't have said Eileen's name. Notice how Sam's wife is just... faceless. This is literally an age old sexist trope. Like... one of the things about bringing Mary back to life for s12+ is that it takes this trope... of basically a generic mother, and gives her life and feelings, whether you like them or not, they're real feelings. They said Mary isn't just a mom she's a person. Mary's existence in the later half of spn is to fix this kind of female tropes that fall upon her character, to not let these her stay a 2 dimensional character. They said we should know she's more than just the mom who tried to save her kid. Do that is the exact opposite of Sam getting a nameless, faceless wife. The sexism of the old spn wasn't just brought back, it was completely amplified. It wasn't just accidental or some exec "fixing" the story it was DELIBRATE. Whoever wrote that, didn't do ALL OF THAT by accident. Because an exec or a producer who doesn't see the flaws in old supernatural isn't going to write it that deliberately.

Let's bring it back to s10 when Charlie was killed (singer was mainly to blame). Dead in the bathtub, age old classic of burying ur gays. If you were here you know people never let Supernatural live that down. THEY KNOW what bury ur gays means. Hell, Robbie Thompson left because of Charlie's death and you think the writers don't know what it means? I mean both Bobo Berens (especially) and Steve Yockey's careers are centered around LGBT+ storytelling and you think they don't know? They know. They know.

And Dean wasn't just apart of the bury your gays trope, it is so far BEYOND that. Dean being killed on a rusty nail/screw, the tongues ripped out, things that seemed to be meant for other people. Jensen's acting in the last two episodes was giving us "DEAN RECIPROCATES" but no one ever actually saying it. I think it's clear that Dean was killed for being Bi. They didn't address it for a reason, they just silenced him. His narrative was supposed to be about letting him be HIM for the first time, to say what his feelings are instead of having them miscommunicated, and instead of doing that, they just silenced him. And the more we look at this scene the more horrific it gets. The more it's a complete slap in the face and it's supposed to be. Some guy who knows nothing about the LGBT can't write a scene this horrific.

Some guy who knows nothing about Dean couldn't write a scene that deconstructs all of Dean's character development and gives Dean his worst nightmare. I MEAN DEAN WANTED TO LIVE HIS LIFE! THEY DIDNT HIDE THAT JOB APPLICATION (or whatever job related thing that was) IN THERE FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST SITUATION. Dean isn't Barney from HIMYM. If you watched HIMYM then you'll know Barney went from being a stereotypical ladies man and treating women terribly to being in love with a women and treating her right and working hard for it. The last episode of HIMYM (why its so bad) Barney's character development is thrown out and he's back to being a stereotypical ladies man. You don't need to know Barney's character very much to do that.

To kill Dean during a hunt his father never finished, to not have anyone at his funeral, to have Dean die young like his life didn't matter. Those are Dean's worst fears and you'd only truly know that if you watched the gin episode in s3, where they are basically laid out for you. You HAVE to know Dean's character to tear him apart like this.

This episode took all the core elements of the show and did a complete 180° the name of the episode itself is "Carry on" and Dean and Sam very much did not carry on. Sam grieving his entire life so that he good get to heaven and see Dean again. Dean being ready to live his life, despite the enormous pitfalls and learning to love himself only to be killed. "Family don't end with blood." Um.... it did in that episode either literally with Dean's death or you know BECAUSE NONE OF THEIR FOUND FAMILY WAS THERE. Not Jack, Not Cas, Not Eileen, Not Donna, Not Charlie, Not Jody, Not Claire... on and on we go. No one was there, nobody was even mentioned. Dean's funeral, no one even called that we know of. It was just Sam and Dean. Sam and Dean. And Bobby. Don't forget Bobby. But yeah Sam and Dean.

That's what the show is about right, the brothers.

Except it's not anymore. It hasn't been for years.

Cas not being there was deafening but it brought us to a major point. Becky. Becky's telling us about the terrible ending.

And many of us are wondering why would they literally tell us this is the worst ending and then... make it the ending.

Now before we move on, it very apparent many of you think Dabb doesn't ship Deancas. And Dabb doesn't care about the characters.

Say what you will about any plot holes in his writing, the point he is VERY GOOD at writing the characters, and giving us good ones.

Why do we know Dabb ships Deancas? (ill say when its cowrote, other wise its not) cowrote ep 8.02 - purgatory "I prayed to you, Cas, every night" "Cas, Buddy, I need you." "I have a price on my head, and I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to – to keep them away from you." 8.08 Hunteri Heroici - Cas helps them hunt! 😊❤ Dean & Cas have a serious convo about why Cas doesn't want to see/go to heaven. 8.22 Dean's mad at Cas. Sam's explanation of why Dean should be easy on Cas: "It's Cas." Dean then points out how he'd knife anybody else if they did what Cas did. 9.10 - Cas comforts Dean when Dean can't take seeing Sam (Gadreel) being tortured anymore. Also tons of Cas. 9.20 (bloodlines) - Canonical couple parallel "I was there, where were you" 9.22 The angels make Cas choose between them and killing Dean and he "gave up an entire army for one guy" 10.09 Claire's reintroduction. Cas heavy ep. DeanCas date. 10.22 THE PRISONER - u know the ep where Dean beats the shit out of Cas but loves him enough to not kill him.

We COULD keep going but I think I've made my point. If Robert Singer is the guy that is like "the show is about Sam and Dean only" Andrew Dabb is the DeanCas shipper. And you could even say a Cas stan.

Notice! How in s13 for SEVEN episodes we have a story that revolves around Dean's grief about losing Cas. Notice! How often the stories in all these seasons have a focus on their relationship. THAT is Andrew Dabb. If it weren't for him doing that, we wouldn't be able to easily say after Dean's lack of a response to Cas' confession, that Dean reciprocates.

To me, when I was (binge) watching s12 for the first time, I thought damn this is really got a lot of DeanCas. So I went to look at who was in charge, who was writing. I saw Andrew Dabb, associated him with Deancas episodes, saw all the new writers, Bobo, and then I saw that Yockey is known for same sex stories and it clicked. Dabb assembled a team to give us Destiel. THAT WAS IN SEASON 12!!!!!!!!

The amount of people saying he's homophobic flabbergast me. Open your eyes! That isn't what's going on.

Imagine making a show and trying to right all the wrongs of Supernatural. Imagine trying to write the greatest love story ever told and you have the entire season planned out for it to end off beautifully, it may possibly be your greatest achievement when it's done and then boom. someone comes in and tells you you aren't allowed to make Dean bi or make destiel endgame, after he was most probably already given the go ahead.

Sure. You could imply he's bi or into cas still in a way. Still make nice-ish ending. just give everyone what the kinda want.

Or you could scrap the last season, nothing close to a canonical bisexual Dean Winchester or Deancas endgame in site. People can be done with it be happy with the show, continue to live their lives in ignorance as to how close they were to Canon destiel.

OR you can lead everyone to the very closest you can get them to what you were aiming for and then show everyone the ugly truth and reality. Light it all on fire. Burn the show to the ground in your wake. Try your darnedest to making these people's (the people saying no) pockets suffer. Show us, the audience, what happened. Show us what this show really is.

I've seen people talk about the ending being changed during covid but I dont think that happened. I think what happened was Dabb already had this season planned out before it even started. Obviously the details were wobbly but it was all lead up to this ending. Destiel endgame, Canon Bisexual Dean, whatever it was. They were ready to write the greatest love story ever told and then someone shut it down.

Imagine the pain that must have caused them to be told no when they already said yes. They must have been so excited to give this to us.

I think someone (some producers) told him what this show is "really" about. The brothers. Can you imagine, after being told no, some kinda bullshit like this is said to you: "Why aren't you bringing it back to the brothers, Andrew? that's what the shows about. What with all this homosexual stuff, you know the audience won't like that. Not really." Imagine the original producers pushing this kind of view on you. "You know when we started it was Sam and Dean. It should end with Sam and Dean." That kinda sounds like someone huh? huh.

So why give us a nice acceptable finale, when you can take every problem Supernatural's had either up front or behind the scenes and create a finale so incredibly bad that people don't want to watch it anymore.

Someone made a good point about how Sam was originally supposed to be the main focus (this isn't to put any hate on Sam or Jared). Dean and Sam are the main characters but Sam was supposed to be the focus and for Dean to have become the focus, must have annoyed the producers because... well here we are. They wouldn't listen to Jensen. The producers liked this ending. Jensen's opinion didn't matter to them.

In some ways, if this is really what happened, it can be seen as childish from Dabb. To hurt all of us like that. Yes, he's hurting the producers, the execs, the cw. But to hurt us? Yeah it stings.

But in other ways, if this is really what happened, this is Dabb showing us the muck and gunk under the shiny surface. The hate for Misha. The hidden hate for Jensen. The underlying sexism. The underlying homophobia. The people REALLY in charge don't care about us, they just want our money. He needed to open our eyes and free us, at least free the people that he was writing for. The people he sees that care about this show.

This is the ending the powers that be wanted and its a big fuck you for a reason. I dont think this is Dabb spitting in our faces for loving this show, I think this is him trying to get revenge for us.

But from here, you can see it how u want it. If this is really what happened, I'm not in charge of your emotions, if you wanna be mad be mad if you wanna be grateful be grateful. And you don't have to believe me either I said this is speculation.

Also, as for all of the rumors like there being shots to the confession scene that we didn't see, which Jensen himself implied, I think that might have been a last ditch effort to canonized DeanCas but obviously it was cut. Like the name change was pretty clear. As for Misha possibly having shot some stuff for 20 I dont know what to tell you. If it's true I dont know where the blame would lie.

I do think however, that if all this was the case, the writers were prepared to become villians here. I mean they told us the writers were villians with Chuck right? So. Who knows what went down so they could give us such a vile ending. It could've been the producers or the writers, who truly knows. I do think tho that people we "trust" did some pretty shitty things to push the narrative in certain directions so now one would see this as the actual ending that was coming.

So again do with my SPECULATION what you will. This was in no way meant to put Dabb on a pedestal or anything. Just meant to give a bit of perspective.

(Also Jensen didn't unfollow Dabb recently he was already unfollowed for years)

[agusvedder]

How season 11 outlined the romantic endgames.

I understand fear of disappointment, I understand, believe me. But this season (along with all the Dabb and Carver era) pointed out perfectly and outlined the romantic endgames for our boys, and the obstacles.

Endgames? Found family, Sam with Eileen, Dean with Cas. Freedom. Peace. 

Obstacles? Their own inhability of moving on, of changing, of acknowledging traumas and pain, and healing. Chuck.

As I pointed out on a different post about Season’s 13 THE ROAD SO FAR, they decided to use “Nothing else matters” to start the whole season. In the moment Hetfield sings “Forever trust in who we are” we see Sam hugging Eileen and Dean hugging Cas. 

Ring any bells?

I think that speaks for itself. At that specific moment of the show Eileen was dead, and Cas too. 

Why would they ‘show us Eileen in season 13′s opening if they didn’t plan on bringing her back later? Same with Cas?

(Eileen was gone until the last minute of episode 19, that Jack bring her, and everybody, back...)

FOREVER TRUST IN WHO WE ARE.

Forever is just the future word for ALWAYS. 

They were ALWAYS real. Always. 

(btw, I will NEVER stop talking about that road so far cause I love Metallica and ir brings me to tears)

On a season where the most important thing is what’s real and what’s not they decided to canonize both couples. Bring Eileen back from the dead, finally use Cas’s empty plot to show us that his happiness is loving Dean inconditionally. 

An amazing example of how Season 11 outlined the endgames is one of my favorites: “Into The Mystic”. They introduced Eileen on an episode where Castiel was possessed by Lucifer, pretending to be Cas to talk to Dean. 

Too many bells, halp.-

(HEHEHE! pain is my middle name) 

In that episode we meet Sam Winchester’s perfect woman, badass, smart,  planning to go to law school, lost her parents when she was a baby too, and she’s a MOL legacy. 

(Dude, first episode with her! THOSE HEART EYES!)

But this . . . this. 

Ring another bell?

“What the hell are you talking about, man?”

(That’s what I thought you’d say, you dumb fucking Dean)

At the end of the episode, Dean was left with a burning desire of following his heart and the pressing matter that he’s pining for someone (who’s not Amara, like he said in that same episode, he’s not in love with her), and we see Sam saving a pamphlet of the retirement home, showing us he still sees that light at the end of the tunnel. 

It’s made clear Dean was frustrated by the whole Amara situation but also seeing Cas not giving a fuck about it, not feeling the slight sign of jealousy, saying his bond with Amara is a good thing that can help them draw her out aka using him as bait.

In the end of this very same episode Sam apologizes to Dean for not searching for him when he was in purgatory (4 years later!!) and Dean shrugs him off cause that’s not really important for him anymore. What’s important for both of them is what happened during purgatory. Dean searched for Cas inceasently, praying to him every night, refusing to leave without him, and willing to die to get him out of there. In that very same moment, Sam gave up hunting to stay with the woman he loved (and a dog!!). He literally gave up, he wanted retirement. The same thing Mildred talked about with Dean in Into The Mystic. Just like Dean wanted it on season 13′s finale. 

To be honest, we can clearly see how Sam was certain of what he wanted for his future way before Dean did. That’s why he stayed with Amelia in season 8, that’s why he asked his brother 7 episodes before meeting Eileen if he ever thought about settling down with “someone who gets the life”. why he tried to give his number to “Piper” on that same episode. He’s been ready for settling down with someone for years now. And now he has his finally ever after with Eileen cause Chuck’s finally out the board.

Dean on the other side is so repressed with his feelings and wants that well, he cannot allow himself to let the sun shine on his face, and finally “Being”... finally “Say It”. 

What convinces me that Cas is coming back for a last episode, is that he’s the first step for Dean to accept what he wants for his future, he’s the only one who’s left for Dean to take the decision of being finally happy. He’s a constant in Dean’s life, and Dean loves Cas just as much as Cas loves Dean. He cannot function without Cas. He’s been forever saved and changed thanks to him. 

Also because he fucking deserve to end up with the man he loves so fully.

Dean’s arc is still open, Cas’s too. Sam’s not. He already have what he wanted, he can finally retire and be with the woman he love.

---

The whole plot of season 11 is connected directly to season 15. Amara, Cas’s depression and the look for his own faith/sense of purpose, Dean’s romantic conflict with Cas (He literally’s been screaming “Cas” the whole fucking season), Sam in look for what’s real and not, thinking he was talking to God when he was being manipulated by Lucifer (The gun wound that connected him to God, the visions, The Devil In The Details, a very very important episode for Sammy’s overall story), Rowena’s redeption arc, Chuck revealing he’s God. Don’t Call Me Shurley. Billie and the Empty being introduced into the storyline! 

I invite you guys to watch Dabb’s era again, it’s a plethora of unanswered questions (who finally found it’s answers this season), search for the sense of self, purpose, beating depression, redemption arcs for the villains, forgiveness. Family. Family. FAMILY. FA M I L Y .

[norahastuff]

the unrequited love thing just bothers me so much. No-one had any issues seeing Cas/Hannah as a valid ship in the show when Cas wasn't even really interested in her. We've had a decade worth of romantic signals from Dean, but somehow destiel is unrequited. such a goddamn tragedy that they couldn't find their way back to each other one last time when that is their whole ~dynamic~

Yes, all of this. Exactly. Honestly, it’s been so frustrating to keep hearing the word unrequited thrown around so much lately. What about this dynamic has ever seemed unrequited? I’ve done this before but I’ve been really annoyed about it lately so should we make a list?

What about Dean feeling so personally betrayed by Cas in The Man Who Would Be King? Or Sam and Bobby walking on eggshells around Dean and taking care to very delicately approach bringing up the possibility of Cas doing something shady because they knew how hard Dean was going to take it? They knew it would be different for him than it would be for both of them.

Or how about Dean keeping Cas’ trenchcoat, and not only keeping it - he could have stashed it at Bobby’s or left it in the trunk of the Impala - but no he kept it with him, moved it from car to car. And this isn’t a last-minute development that they decided to throw into 7x17 when Cas returned, we see glimpses of the coat in other episodes before this, a consistent reminder that Dean’s carrying it around with him. That losing Cas is weighing on him.

How about Dean wondering why he could usually get over things but for some reason with Cas he couldn’t and he just didn’t know why. 

For that matter...do you think there is anybody else that Dean would forgive for hurting Sam? For betraying him? Sure Dean is mad at Cas but more than anything he wanted to fix things. Despite everything, he needed Cas to be a part of his life. 

How about that time Dean spent a year in purgatory looking for Cas, praying to him every night? In Dean’s mind, Sam is out there alone doing God knows what trying to get him back. I mean Sam didn’t, he’d let Dean go, but Dean assumed he was still looking. And yet Dean didn’t go back to Sam even though he could. He stayed for a year looking for Cas. Because he needed to. He needed him. Purgatory was pure remember? Dean had clarity there. He understood his wants, needs, and emotions.

Or you know just that one little thing about how Dean changed his own memories of what happened when he got separated from Cas because the thought of failing Cas was less painful than the idea that Cas would choose to stay in purgatory instead of leaving with him.

“We need you. I need you.” You know all about this one, I don’t need to say more.

The angels knowing exactly what would hurt Dean, knowing how much he cared about Cas and using that against him: 

“The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell he was lost!” 

“I know you’re hoping Castiel will return to you. I only wish that he felt the same way.”

Miriam: Bieber in there he can do almost anything. Dean: Anything? (and for the first time since Cas died we see Dean experience a moment of hope...and then...) Miriam: Oh sweetie, almost anything. Castiel he’s dead, all the way dead, because of you.

Dean staring wistfully at Cas through a Gas n Sip window for god knows how long. Actually you know what, that whole episode. 

Cas being Dean’s Colette. That’s not subtext. You can argue with the execution, but the parallel was spelled out. And actually for that matter in Chuck’s drafts or alternate futures/ timelines or whatever that he was showing Sam, Dean was the one who was broken after losing Cas to the Mark of Cain, Dean was the one who had to bury him in Ma’lak box. Dean was the one who had to stop him. So I mean not only was Cas Dean’s Colette, but Dean was Cas’ Colette too.

Dean reacting very differently than Sam to Cas’ decision to say yes to Lucifer. Dean’s worry. Dean desperately calling out to Cas over and over again to try reach him and get him to eject Lucifer. Dean resisting Amara for Cas. Lucifer and Amara being very surprised by this. Amara using Cas to try to get to Dean. 

Dean’s very different reactions to all things Cas in s12. This one would need it’s own post, but let’s just say there was a lot of focus on Dean and Cas in s12 and most of it was on how intensely Dean felt for Cas. 

Dean made him a Led Zeppelin mixtape. And then proceeded to get mad at himself for letting Cas use it to come into his room and play him. Which isn’t exactly what happened (though it sort of is) but that’s exactly what went down from Dean’s perspective, and that kind of move would only work if Dean truly cared about Cas. Going into someone’s room and playing on their feelings for you by using a romantic gift they gave you, only works if that person has feelings for you that can be played with.

12x23. Sam having to pull Dean away from Cas at the rift because Dean was intent on chasing after Cas. Dean falling to his knees by Cas’ body unable and unwilling to think about anything else and leaving Sam to face the nephilim. Sam knowing better than to even try to move Dean.

Widower arc. I would elaborate but do I need to?

And finally all of their arc in s15. No part of that was one sided. 

I actually can’t believe we have to keep having this conversation. Before it seemed like we kept having to somehow “prove” there was a romantic element to Dean and Cas’ relationship. Now that they have explicitly stated in canon that there is, the conversation seems to have shifted to how it’s one sided. Look I’m as frustrated as anyone that Dean didn’t get to say anything, but we never considered their relationship one sided before. That’s certainly not what I saw in the show.  Dude pines after his totes str8 bro friend who’s not into him is not a story I would have had any interest in. Looking at that long list above does it seem like it was one sided?

Whatever Cas felt for Dean, Dean felt it too. This has never seemed like a one sided narrative. Like you said just because the last page of the story was ripped out/wasn’t written (ie whatever you think went down) it doesn’t invalidate years upon years of consistent relationship building and emotional growth. Their story is incomplete not erased.

(And in relation to the Cas and Hannah of it all, a while back I did get curious and look that up, and you’re right. People had no problem with thinking of Cas and Hannah as romantic - when she was played by Erica Carroll. When Hannah returned in a male vessel, both Misha and the new actor Lee Majdoub played their relationship exactly the same way, the same heart eyes, the same gentle touches and soft spoken appreciation, but no one seemed to want to discuss Cas and Hannah’s romantic connection anymore. For reasons. Whatever could they be? I’m putting this in brackets though because I don’t have the sources on that and I have no intention of trawling through reddit/entertainment review sites/wherever I checked last time to find them. I do not have that in me. So there’s a chance I could be mistaken and people did discuss it, in which case I’d love to be proven wrong. Anyway that’s why this point is just at the end in brackets)

[cowboycostume]

The faith/doubt dichotomy in goodbye stranger is wild, okay. It gave us so much to think about the implications of prayer for them. We don't see Dean pray to Cas at any point in the episode. The fact that he does is news to Sam!! Like Dean asks "you heard me, didn't you?" And Sam is surprised!! Which means Dean either a] wasn't praying aloud, or b] he was doing it privately and probably making an effort to hide it from Sam. This is so interesting from the meta angle of "there are one sided conversations between Dean and cas that we are not privy to," sure, but it is so much more compelling in universe because either way it adds so much intimacy to the concept of Dean praying to Cas. Before purgatory we only see (or hear) Dean praying to Cas performatively, right? Like only when he needs something or wants Cas to show up. In purgatory he prays every night! And goodbye stranger tells us that he likely didn't stop! They even show us that this is weird, like immediately afterwards! Dean tells Sam Something's Wrong With Cas and Sam throws the prayer back at him! "If he's so sketchy why were you praying to him"! Because if Dean has faith in anything it's faith in Cas, even in the face of doubt. He hasn't been right since purgatory, remember? At this point Cas had been back for nearly a year, and yet Dean is still praying to him! His faith in Cas is stronger than his doubt!

[ambiguousdisorderken]

in your expert opinion what are some of the most destiel-heavy episodes of spn? i stopped watching around season 7 and have no interest in engaging w the plot of the show at all but i’m in the mood for some gay yearning ykwim

Hi anon! Thank you for reaching out to me about this, I’m, no-joke, very flattered. I’d seen a couple posts on this same question, very thorough and detailed lists on Destiel-centric episodes, but at the moment I cannot find any of them, that would’ve answered your request much faster. So, in advance, sorry, my reply is probably coming in extremely late, but I did write this from scratch, so yeah.

Even though storylines in SPN can be very shitty and hollow, I do feel that to get the full Destiel experience -that long-drawn yearning- one would have to watch the entirety of the show, even if Cas isn’t in the episode or if there’s no explicit mention of their relationship/bond because it gives you a better understanding of them as characters and of how their relationship affects the narrative.

Now, you mentioned you stopped around S7, which is completely understandable and justified given the Dick plot game was very weak and, in my opinion, annoying (so little Cas!). I’m going to start listing from S7 in case you want to refresh your SPN before jumping straight into unseen episodes. Also, since you mentioned no interest in the plot and are specifically craving those sweet crumbs of gay yearning, I’ll skip most one-sided / too subtle episodes and cut to the chase.

Lastly, I hate spoiling things, but you’ve probably seen it all on Tumblr. I tried to keep the episodes’ descriptions short, as it might come in useful. Stuck to key words, quotes and/or little comments.

 Season 7

7x01 – Meet the New Boss: Godstiel, sincere apology. Cas: “I'm gonna find some way to redeem myself to you.”

7x02 – Hello, Cruel World: Mourning. Trench coat melancholy. The heart-wrenching eulogy: “Dumb son of a bitch.”

7x17 – The Born-Again Identity: Emmanuel!Cas, reunion, longing, hurt.

7x21 – Reading is Fundamental: Honey!Cas, hug, hurt, reunion, that painful SORRY (board game) scene.

7x23 – Survival of the Fittest: Honey!Cas, forgiveness, adorable, wified Cas. Dean hits us with: “Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas!" but also “I'd rather have you, cursed or not.”

Season 8 (this season is so good and Destiel is the driving motor of it, I swear. If you can, watch it complete.)

8x01 – We Need to Talk About Kevin: Dean in Purgatory looking for the angel.  Cas is referred to as “your [Dean’s] angel.”

8x02 – What’s Up, Tiger Mommy?: HUG!!!, Purgatory reunion, face touch, very romantic. Monster: “ You'll find your angel there.” //  Dean: “Let me bottom-line it for you. I'm not leaving here without you.”

8x05 – Blood Brother: Cas vs. Benny cat fight lol. Dean: “Cas... we're gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

8x07 – A Little Slice of Kevin: Cas comes back from Purgatory, but before that Dean starts seeing him in places. Very tragic; hallucinating your dead significant other trope. Has That boner scene. Dean: “I did everything I could to get you out! EVERYTHING!” Cas helps Dean see what truly happened in Purgatory and not his self-altered memories. PACKED!

8x08 – Hunteri Heroici: Hilarious, romantic, intimate. Dean and Cas have an heart to heart. They actually communicate. Cas “I’ll watch over you.”

8x10 Torn and Frayed: They work a case together, and when I say heart eyes…

8x17 – Goodbye Stranger: THIS. EPISODE. Dean “I need you.”

8x19 – Taxi Driver: Separation. Naomi to Dean: "You're hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty; I only wish he felt the same way."

8x22 – Clip Show: Lack of trust, hurt, tense interactions. Romantic too (basically, Cas gets Dean an apology basket).

8x23 – Sacrifice: Meaningful conversation and a gay couple hit by Cupid parallel. Dean “So this is it? E.T goes home?"

 Season 9

9x01 – I think I’m Gonna Like it Here: Dean prays to Cas IN.A.CHAPEL. Worry, longing, separation. Dean “Please, man, I need you here.”

9x03 – I’m No Angel: Human!Cas and jealous!Dean.

9x06 – Heaven Can’t Wait: Human!Cas TEXT-BOOK LONGING. GAY AS FUCK. Gazing, touching, they even TALK (for real).

9x09 – Holy Terror: Adorable Cas, flirty vibes, happyish, funny. Cas: “Cas is back in town!”

9x10 – Road Trip: Cas comforts Dean, Cas and Crowley bitching at each other, overall protective!Cas.

9x18 – Metafiction. Cas finds out about the Mark of Cain.

9x21 – King of the Damned: Hug, strong boyfriends vibes.

9x22 – Stairway to Heaven: Cas gives up an entire army, for Dean. Metatron about Cas “He's in love………………………. with humanity.”

9x23  – Do You Believe in Miracles?: At this point, it’s canon stated that Cas will do anything and lose everything if that means saving Dean. Metatron to Cas “You draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right?”

 Season 10

10x01 – Black: Demon!Dean and sick/brokenhearted Cas in a slutty robe missing his man.

10x03 – Soul Survivor: ICONIC. Angel on Demon action! Cas turns down Hannah because he’s too gay and in love. Intimate Deancas talk.

10x05 – Fan Fiction: No Cas, but Destiel references. 

10x09 – The Things We Left Behind: That.Lunch.Date. Deancas introduction to co-parenting.

10x14 – The Executioner’s Song: We get Daddy Murder aka Cain. This is a Pivotal episode to understand Dean’s character development. Plus, it has Deancas interactions.

10x16 – Paint It Black: No Cas, but Dean opens up in confessionary; repressed BISEXUAL AS FUCK.

10x18 – Book of the Damned: Charlie meets Cas. Gay energies everywhere. Cute domestic little scene.

10x20 – Angel Heart: PARENTING! Essential to understand Cas from this point forward.

10x22 – The Prisoner: Just… just watch it. One of THEE Destiel episodes.

10x23 – Brother’s Keeper: No Deancas interactions but it’s the finale, and I recommend watching it because next season takes off literally right from here. No time jumps.

 Season 11

11x02 – Form and Void: Could skip to the very end which is when Cas comes back.

11x03 – The Bad Seed: Cursed!Cas. Dean takes care of him, even wraps him in a blanket. He also cradles his face. Extreme Hurt/Comfort. Jacting joices rejoice.

11x10 – The Devil in the Details: Could skip but has Casifer in it. Interesting to see his dynamic with Dean.

11x18 – Hell’s Angel: Casifer. Dean "It? It's not an it, Sam, it's Cas!"

11x23 – Alpha and Omega: Huggg! Cas willing to go on a guaranteed suicide mission with Dean. Very tender and sad.

 Season 12

12x02 – Keep Calm and Carry On: ANOTHER HUG! Dean presents his boyfriend to his mom<3 Soft and romantic.

12x09 – First Blood: Reunion hug<3, Cas pining… as in he counts his every minute without Dean.

12x10 – Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: Direct parallel with canon couple. Crystal-clear mutual affection. One of the best. Angel Ishim to Cas about Dean “I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own… by cutting it out.”

12x12 – Stuck in the Middle with You: A dying Cas confesses his love. “I love you. I love all of you.”

12x19 – The Future: We find out Dean gave Cas a MIXTAPE!!! Very romantic and full of yearning, also worry and what could be seen as a betrayal (ish…).

12x23 – All Along the Watch Tower: Hands down, one of the most distressing Destiel episodes. Cas dies.

 Season 13

13x01 – Lost and Found: This is the worst because you have Dean trying to assimilate Cas’ death. Core of Dean’s widow’s arc. Jack introduction, that’s their new kid.

13x02 – The Rising Son: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?).

13x03 – Patience: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?). Dean to Sam “He manipulated him, he made him promises, said, ‘paradise on earth’ and Cas bought it and you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!”

13x04 – The Big Empty: Continuation of widow’s arc and Cas wakes up in the Empty. The Empty to Cas: "I know who you love. There's nothing for you back there." // Dean to Sam “I need you to keep the faith, for both of us. ‘Cause right now, I… Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.”

13x05 – Advanced Thanatology: Suicidal and hopeless Dean gets his win. Cas comes back. Gives me the chills.

13x06 – Tombstone: COWBOY BOYFRIENDS!

13x14 – Good Intentions: Happy and fun Destiel scene. So Very Married.

13x23 – Let The Good Times Roll: Season finale, Dean talks about retiring (plans include Cas of course) and just very nice to see them interact.

Season 14

14x03 – The Scar: Reunion.

14x08 – Byzantium: Deanand Cas dealing with their child’s death, then bringing him back by Cas making a deal with the Empty. IMPORTANT EPISODE.

14x09 – The Spear: Cas uses the royal We – married behavior.

14x10 – Nihilism: Dean is stuck in his own mind, and Cas and Sam try to bring him back. Cas “Please, you have to -- you have to try to remember, because the people in your life -- in your real life, out there -- we need you to come back.”

14x12 – Prophet and Loss: Dean gets his very own Dr. Sexy, aka Dr. Cas.

14x14 – Ouroboros: Basically another date (their kid tags along) and They TALK. Very intimate and established marriage vibes.

14x18 – Absence: Shits starts to go south. [ Dean: “Who cares what Jack said? We don't know what happened! But I swear, if he did something to her, if she is -- (points to Castiel) Then you're dead to me. (Castiel looks crushed after Dean says that).]

14x20 – Moriah: Tense and very upsetting. Relationship very damaged.

 Season 15 (I would advise watching the entire season because it relies heavily on Destiel. They’re the heart and the emotional motor leading the plot onwards.)

15x01 – Back and To The Future: Deancas’ in the aftermath of their kid’s death. Tension gets worse.

15x02 – Raising Hell: Tension rises, this is very intense. Cas “Dean. You asked, "What about all of this is real?" We are.”

15x03 – The Rupture: Breaking point ends in divorce.

15x06 – Golden Time: Painful phone call which speaks volumes about the current state of their relationship at the time. Also, good to see where they’re standing and how they’re coping.

15x08 – Our Father Who Aren’t in Heaven: Strained relationship so obvious they’re offered couples’ therapy.

15x09 – The Trap: MASTERPIECE. Back to Purgatory. Can (and is) taken as Dean’s love confession (because it is). 

15x12 – Galaxy Brain: So married. Little domestic date, you can see LOVE written in their faces.

15x13 – Destiny’s Child: AU!Dean and Sam. Not a yearning episode per se, but AU!Dean? SO GAY.

15x17 – Unity: God reveals that the only act of free will in any universe he ever created has been Cas choosing Dean.

15x18 – Despair: Cas confesses his love to Dean.

[nikadd]

thinking abt dean’s experience in purgatory being “pure” bc it got him to his basic instinct as a hunter (violence & monstrosity analyses typing...) bc he was fighting leviathans and other monsters every second 24/7 for an entire year but then we also know that he spent every night praying to cas which means he used every single quiet moment he could to try to reach cas and we know he prays out loud which means that benny gave dean space and quiet to pray while he was on the lookout bc dean wouldn’t pray in front of benny (at least at first, he might have become more unashamed about it later on) and so his search for cas was a part of that purity, it was an intrinsic part of his purgatory experience

[trenchcoatimpala]

🥺 can you write a fic about Dean going through withdrawal in purgatory

He was drinking A LOT before that in the show, and he was definitely always drunk at that point, so I imagine when he got to purgatory he would have had the hangover of his life.

Destiel would be cool but also BeanDenny is absolutely welcome!

I love your fics and saw your post about requests so I thought why not give it a go

Hey anon! Thanks for the request :) I’ve often thought about Dean going through withdrawal in purgatory, so I was happy to write this. 

Read below the cut.

also on archive

The first day was hard. 

Dean trudged through the forests of purgatory, eyes scanning the trees warily for anything that might try to jump out at him. His body ached and he wanted nothing more than to collapse and let sleep take over, but he had to find Cas. The angel could have gone anywhere, he could be in trouble. Purgatory was no place to be alone. 

Dean still couldn’t figure out why Cas had left him, why he’d just up and vanished without an explanation. They’d stand a better chance if they stuck together. 

The longer he walked, the more his head began to hurt and his dry mouth called for something other than water. Eventually, he had to let his exhaustion drag him to the ground, where he sat under a tree, head leaning against the sharp bark, eyes fixed towards the gloomy sky. 

“Cas,” he whispered to the tree tops. “You got your ears on?” Dean paused, listening for the rustle of wings. When no sound came, he shut his eyes, drawing in a breath against the pound of his aching head. “Cas, buddy, please. Where are you? I’m gonna find you… I’m gonna...” he trailed off as sleep finally claimed him. 

The second day was harder. 

His headache hadn’t disappeared with sleep and he couldn't stop his hands from shaking. Dean forced himself to keep going, to stumble through the trees, grabbing onto their trunks to steady his unstable legs. Nausea rolled over him in waves and more than once he found his empty stomach heaving to expel a string of bile. 

His body screamed for alcohol that Dean couldn’t provide. 

But still, Dean pushed on, barely managing to fight off the monsters that got in his way, nearly losing his life twice. 

When night came, Dean didn’t even care to think about where he was stopping for the night, he didn’t survey the area or check for sleeping monsters, he just fell to the ground. 

“Cas,” he said in a whisper. “Please man, just come back.” 

The third day was the worst. 

Dean couldn’t move. He was pressed against a tree, energy completely drained from his body, queasy, head drumming with what could only be described as a migraine, and hands unfit to hold a gun. The only thing he could do was stay where he was, spit bile onto the ground and pray to Cas. 

It was probably midday when he saw him. 

The back of a dark head, a tan trench coat sweeping behind him as he walked. 

“Cas!” Dean called out, voice hoarse and degraded to a rasp. 

Cas didn’t turn around, he kept walking, each step talking him farther and farther away from Dean. 

“Cas, wait!” Dean tried to push himself to his feet but his legs didn’t seem to want to cooperate.

Eventually, Cas disappeared and Dean was left alone again, mind foggy, and heart aching for the angel to return to him. 

When Dean finally managed to get control of himself, it had been about a week. A week of crawling to streams and eating whatever he could find. A week of shaking hands, horrible headaches, and watching Cas, whom he’d come to understand wasn’t real, walk off in the distance, back always to Dean.

Monsters came and went, he managed to hide from most of them well enough, only fighting when he had to. But now that he’d recovered a bit, he knew he had to continue his quest for Cas, and the only way to find leads, as to the angels whereabouts, was to question the locals. 

That was how he found Benny. 

Dean was wary to trust him at first, a vampire is a vampire. But Dean had been a vampire once, and he’d met monsters that weren’t bad people, why not use Benny to find Cas. At the very least, it was nice to have someone to fight beside and cover his six. His hands would still often tremble when he held his blade, but Benny would pick up the slack, and he never questioned Dean’s issues. 

Dean didn’t notice the lingering touches at first. The squeeze of a shoulder with a hand that stayed for just a tiny bit longer than it should afterwards. There were also times when Dean caught Benny staring. His mind instantly wondered if Benny was sizing him up for a meal and would attack while he was asleep, but he quickly learned that those looks were filled with fondness. 

Sometimes he found himself wanting to lean into the touches, to run a hand over the beard on the vampire’s face just to feel the scratch of it under his fingers. There was so much pent up sexual energy building in Dean’s gut, and part of him wanted to jump Benny, slam him against a tree and capture his lips in a kiss. 

But there was always a voice in the back of his head, whispering one name over and over again: CasCasCas. 

His sudden feelings for Benny made his nightly prayers to Cas that much more desperate. He wanted to push those urges away because there was only one person -angel- that he wanted to be with, even if he was too much of a coward to admit it aloud.

As the days went on, and the hunt for Cas seemed to grow more and more futile, Dean’s want for a beer or a finger of whiskey dulled and Benny’s soft touches grew more frequent. 

Finally, Dean gave in. 

Benny kissed him hard and Dean let the vampire have his way. 

Two days later, they found Cas. 

Seeing him again, made guilt burn in his veins, like he’d somehow betrayed someone he’d never even been with. 

His attitude changed towards Benny, and even though there was hurt in Benny’s eyes, Dean couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge what they’d done. Being near Cas again reminded him of how much he’d missed him, how much he… 

Dean supposed that he hadn’t just gone through alcohol withdrawal, he’d gone through Cas withdrawal too. He’d been so used to the angel always being there, always a constant, always a shoulder to lean on. And being back in his presence made him want to reclaim what he’d been forced to give up. 

Maybe once they got out of purgatory he’d finally have the balls to tell Cas how he felt, or maybe he’d just disappear back into the bottle he’d been deprived of. 

Dean already knew which one he’d choose, but pretending it could go differently gave him the strength to climb up to the portal. But when Cas slipped through his fingers, the decision was made for him. 

The first drop of alcohol after purgatory sent fire burning down his throat, and Dean shut his eyes against the feeling he’d missed so much. The alcohol took away some of the pain, and he knew that no matter how long he went without it, he’d always end up running back, nestling safely against the curve of the bottle, warming his body against the flames that the liquid offered.

tag list, ask to be added or removed

@jellydeans @tearsofgrace @anotherdowneyfan1 @casgetoutofmyass0907 @angie-clover271218 @nines-in-the-tardis @fivefeetfangirl @destiels-canonahhhhhhhhhh @medusasfavoritestatue @lilac-void @wantstoflyafraidtofall @gayhuckleberryinatrenchcoat @thepixelagora @hermit-cas @thelahatiel

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. CXXIV

It was a love story from the very beginning.

"I Love--"

(15×09)

Hello my friends! We are here again in Purgatory of Love 2.0 and the ILY that did was, but writers wanted us to think it was hahahahaa. *I hate you Dabb*.

This is a summary of my meta from episode 15x09 with some new addition.

You can find all my metas from this episode in the following links: X, X, X and X.

The Break is Huge

I'm just gonna point how bad things are between Dean and Castiel.

And I want to bring back here one scene I didn't put in the previous volume...

Gifset credit @jellydeans

CASTIEL: No idea. He was very distraught.

DEAN: Yeah, but what exactly did he say?

CASTIEL: "Leave. Get out. I want you dead". We didn't bond.

Castiel uses this opportunity to remind Dean his own hard words to him the day he left. And Dean's face is priceless, that swallow showing he knows exactly what he said to Castiel. But, as always, he can't just use his words to ask for forgiveness.

Things are not okay... are worse than ever.

Coming back to episode 9, at the beginning, things are still bad.

Gifset credit @starlightcastiel

Their fights are getting wilder, Castiel is plenty hones with his own frustration and anger against Dean, and it shows. He's just tired. Dean can't believe Castiel is calling him like that just because Castiel doesn't use that words with him. This was written to show us how bad things are between them.

And they kept fighting and fighting, and Dean trying to avoid Castiel when they arrive to Purgatory...

DEAN: (...)Okay. Let's split up.

CAS: What?

DEAN: You go that way. I'll go this way. We'll meet back at the Rift, alright? We'll cover more ground. We'll better our odds.

CAS: Yeah. We'll also improve our odds of getting lost or killed. Come on.

We can see here again, how tired Castiel is about Dean's childish behavior to not be alone with Castiel and not face him as an adult in an adult conversation. Just avoid the huge elephant. Right?

If we make an analysis about these two situations, we can conclude:

The important thing here, is that Castiel is the one thinking like a strategist, taking war decision, focused on the mission. Like the soldier he is, and Dean was so unfocused, that Cas had to take the command. The first time is when he made Dean decline his plan to rescue Sam and go to Purgatory for that blossom, and the second time was when they just arrived to Purgatory, Dean wanted to go separately, and Cas shoved that idea off. And after that, he said LET'S GO, so, Commander Castiel had given an order!!!! And Dean followed it!

Dean seemed to be uncomfortable by Castiel's side, that's why he proposed him to go separated, and that's why he named Benny. He needed a third one to avoid Castiel.

Another hard conversation is the one before they went into the trap.

CAS: Well, this place will bring that out in you. Guilt. It was my fault the Leviathan got out. It was my fault we were here the first time. I carry that guilt every day.

DEAN: I know you're sorry, Cas. About Bel, about Mom.

CAS: I was talking about Jack. I already apologized to you. You just refused to hear it.

DEAN: Sorry I brought it up. Maybe if you didn't just up and leave us.

CAS: You didn't give me a choice. You couldn't forgive me. And you couldn't move on. You were too angry. I left, but you didn't stop me.

Cas was honest again... The hard quote he threw Dean, after trying to show him he was sorry because of Jack, and he already had said I'm sorry to Dean, but he didn't want to listen, Dean couldn't move on. The hard quote came after Dean played his card saying Cas left, blaming him for leaving... The hard quote from Cas was... "I LEFT, BUT YOU DIDN'T STOP ME." This was like a bomb my friends!!! Dean remained speechless again!!!!

It's as if Cas was saying... 'You wanted me to leave. That's why you didn't stop me.'

Purgatory not only brings guilt, but also, purity of heart. It's about facing your deep and repressed feelings. And that's why it had to be here where Dean had to apologize and recognize his love for the angel... even when he didn't say ILY.

Love is in the Air

The Prayer

Dean lost Castiel again. And he is literally, DESPERATE. He doesn't know what to do, because he has been walking and looking for him, but Castiel is not there.

Finally, Dean succumbs on his knees, and prays to Castiel...

DEAN: Cas? Cas, I hope you can hear me... that wherever you are, it's not too late. I should've stopped you. You're my best friend, but I just let you go. 'Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong.

I – Ohh. I don't know why I get so angry. I just know – I know that it's – i-it's just always been there. And when things go bad, it just – it comes out. And I can't -- I can't stop it. No matter how – [Sniffles] how bad I want to, I just can't stop it. And – And I – I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I'm sorry it took me so long – [Sniffles] I'm sorry it took me till now to say it. Cas, I'm – I'm so sorry. Man, I hope you can hear me.

Gif credit @starlightcastiel

The prayer exposed Dean's deep misery as a human, Dean talked about this toxic behavior, he know he acts like that, hurting people by his side, throwing his own guilt and fears against the ones he loves. He began the prayer with the last honest quote Cas told him... I SHOULD STOP YOU. When Cas left. Dean should stop him, why? BECAUSE YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. I will stop in this quote... Dean is talking about him, he is not saying YOU ARE OUR BEST FRIEND, he is saying MY. That's a huge step, and also it is important to understand he is not saying YOU ARE LIKE A BROTHER, he is not putting Castiel in that position, as he did in episode 11x23, using the words BEST FRIEND, is a huge step for Dean.

He recognized he was angry, and he threw his crap to Cas, who had always been there.

Then he took the I'm sorry Castiel had said to him, several times, and he answered OF COURSE I FORGIVE YOU. Because how couldn't he? How couldn't he forgive Castiel? That's a huge quote there too, he is saying, no matter what Cas does or says, Dean will always forgive him, you do that just with people you love, deeply.

Then, he repeats I'm sorry a lot of times, with tears running on his face, that's heartbreaking, and that's too sincere. The huge fact is... He's kneeled down while he is asking for Castiel's forgiveness.

After this scene, we had the big Destiel reunion. They way Castiel says "You made it" to Dean and Dean confused gaze always got me. Because it's talking about the way Dean was able to find Castiel, and that was because they share a profound bond. That manifestation of their profound bond, gave me the idea about how Dean coul rescue Castiel from the Empty.

Gifset credit @agusvedder

When Cas was talking how he escaped and got the blossom, Dean made this face... This is a face of someone about to jump to the pull. Anxiety, heart eyes, and tryin to encourage himself to do it. Do what? A love confession.

Dean was about to confess his love for Castiel here, I'm pretty sure right now, this was a symbolism to show the C*W won't allow this. That's why, before the last episode was aired, in the prologue in which they're showed a lot of mixed scenes and the cast was interviewed, they showed us the prayer again... because they wanted us to see DEAN SAID HE LOVED CASTIEL HERE, HE JUST DIDN'T SAY IT WITH WORD, BUT IN HIS MIND, IN HIS PRAYER. But that was not enough to us and to Dean. Because Dean needed to express his feelings and Castiel needed to hear he loved him.

That's why all the vomits, and gagging and spitting in this season, foreshadowing this moment. And it ends with Dean swallowing his words, again.

He was about to say it...

Here... What was Dean about to say? I'm sorry again??? I don't think so, he had let that very clear in his prayer, and he knows Cas heard him, because he always hears his prayers... Then? What was he about to say?? Adding the previous face we already analyzed... First the jumping into the pull face, going through some heart eyes session, now is time... For the love confession... But.. Cas avoided it...

Castiel had to avoid it because HAPPINESS, something he can't feel, yet.

Perfectly settled to hide the fact that C*W and some writers and producers didn't want Destiel to happen, right?

Cas thought Dean wanted to say I'm sorry again? No. I truly believe Cas knows what was Dean about to say.. because look...

Dean swallowed the I LOVE YOU for Castiel. He swallowed his words. Because THEY SILENCED HIM.

So, everything is solved. Castiel heard Dean's prayer in which writers want us to think he said it in the prayer. In his mind. And Castiel heard him.

But Dean couldn't close his character I Love Journey. And Castiel couldn't hear him say it back.

To Conclude:

The Destiel reunion was a beautiful hug, heart eyes, anxiety, butterflies in their stomachs, but it couldn't give Dean's character what they deserved: to express their feelings through his words.

But even so, They love each other so much, they always find each other.

Hope you like this meta, see you in the next one.

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @dizzypinwheel @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@destielle @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @belacoded @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996 @lisafu02 @asphodelesauvage @deancasgirl777

If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know.

If you wanna red the previous metas from this season, here you have the links:

Vol. CXXI, CXXII, CXXIII.

Buenos Aires August 1st 2021 1:10 PM

[expectingtofly]

this year i wrote 35 fics!! I’m absolutely shocked bc before 2020, despite loving to write, i hadn’t written anything for a year and a half. i guess i was just storing up ideas and motivation :) 

also... this was my first time ever writing fics!! i’m so glad i gave in and started writing destiel fics, bc it really has helped my creativity and writing process, and most importantly, helped me to just freakin’ write. writing is definitely a form of self-care for me, and boy oh boy did i need self-care in this shitshow of a year :)

thanks to everyone on my taglist and everyone who reads my fics. getting involved in the destiel fic fandom and receiving such wonderful feedback is the reason i’ve managed to write so much this year and im so so grateful <3

here’s a list of my top 8 favorite fics that i wrote this year and below the cut is a list of every fic I wrote this year with links. enjoy and stay tuned for more in 2021 :)

Home for Christmas

1.7k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Holiday Themed Fluff, Established Dean/Cas, Post Canon, Canon Divergent, Domestic Destiel, Cas and Dean Live in A House Together, Cas is Very Emotional, and When He Cries, Dean Cries, SPN Advent Calendar 2020

Just You

960 words, T, AO3, Tumblr

Holiday Themed Fluff, Established Dean/Cas, Human!Castiel, Castiel Struggles with Being Human, Dean Gets a Paper Cut and is Muy Dramático, SPN Advent Calendar 2020

All Yours

2k, T, AO3, Tumblr

15x19 Coda, Fix-It, Love Confession, Dean and Cas in Love, Lazy Mornings, Dean and Cas Are Saps, Fluff, SPN Advent Calendar 2020

Can’t Take My Eyes Off You

1k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Holiday Themed Fluff, Established Dean/Cas, Dean and Cas Being Dorks, Sam and Jack Are So Done, Snowball Fight, SPN Advent Calendar 2020

Dancing in the Square

1.3k, G, AO3, Tumblr

Holiday Themed Fluff, Established Dean/Cas, Post 15x20, Canon Divergent, Dean and Cas Slow Dance, Christmas Tree Lighting, SPN Advent Calendar 2020

Fuck Mistletoe

2k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Holiday Themed Fluff, Established Dean/Cas, Post 15x20, Canon Divergent, Human!Cas, Dean and Cas Figuring Out How to Be a Couple, Dean Hangs Mistletoe, Cas Is a Little Oblivious, SPN Advent Calendar 2020

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

566 words, G, AO3, Tumblr

Holiday Themed Fluff, Established Dean/Cas, Post 15x20, Canon Divergent, Human!Cas, Dean and Cas Drive in the Impala and Listen to Christmas Music, SPN Advent Calendar 2020

Tradition (or, Two Hunters, a Former Angel, and the God of the Universe Walk into a Kitchen...)

1k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Holiday Themed Fluff, Established Dean/Cas, Post 15x20, Canon Divergent, Human!Cas, TFW 2.0 Bake Christmas Cookies Together (with less than perfect results), SPN Advent Calendar 2020

Because I Like You

632, G, AO3, Tumblr

Holiday Themed Fluff, Established Dean/Cas, Post 15x20, Canon Divergent, Human!Cas, Castiel and Dean Watch TV, SPN Advent Calendar 2020

One Hell (Heaven?) of a Situation

2.6k, T, AO3, Tumblr

15x20 Coda, Fix-It, Jimmy Novak and Kansas are in Heaven, Fluff and Crack, Love Confession, Dean and Cas need to use their words

Eternity

1.3k, T, AO3, Tumblr

15x20 Coda, Fix-It, Love Confession, Romantic Fluff, Slow Dancing, Forehead Touching, Dean and Cas Get The Ending They Deserve

While You Sleep

1.5k, G, AO3, Tumblr

Angst, Pining, Cas watches over Dean, Profound Bond, The Handprint, Cas has doubts

Angel in a Hoodie

1.5k, G, AO3, Tumblr

Mutual Pining, Fluff, Angst, Dean and Cas Go Shopping, Dean and Cas Need to Use Their Words, Cas Wears an Oversized Hoodie

Reunion

2k, G, AO3, Tumblr

15x18 Coda, Angst, Dean Prays to Cas, Dean Rescues Cas, Happy Ending, Forehead Touching, Love Confession

Wicked Game

104k, E, AO3

Western AU, Enemies to Lovers, Canon-Typical Violence, Period-Typical Homophobia, Dub Con, Sexual Tension, Top Cas/Bottom Dean, Outlaw Dean and Cas, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Sharing a Bed, Angst, Pining, Eventual Fluff, Dean/Cas Big Bang 2020

completely, perfectly, incandescently happy

1k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Dean and Cas Watch Pride and Prejudice, Established Dean/Cas, Domestic Fluff, Bisexual Dean, Dean and Cas Are Saps

The Cost of Happiness

1.5k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Cas’ Deal With the Empty, Angst, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Implied MCD

when Castiel heals him, Dean feels warm

500 words, G, AO3, Tumblr

Angelic Healing, Pining, Holding Hands, Profound Bond, Inspired By that 15x8 moment where Dean and Cas come this close to holding hands

Relief

3k, T, AO3, Tumblr

First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Angelic Healing, Angst, Mutual Pining, Sam is Essentially a Relationship Counselor, Love Confessions, Weakened Grace

The Ranger and The Tourist

1k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Real World AU, Meet-Cute, Park Ranger Dean, Tourist Gabriel and Cas

How to Say I Love You With Socks

2k, G, AO3, Tumblr

Mutual Pining, Fluff (so much fluff), Socks are Dean and Cas’ Love Language, First Kiss, Profound Bond

The Archer and The Squire

85k, M, AO3

Robin Hood AU, Medieval AU, First Kiss, First Love, Slow Burn, Period-Typical Homophobia, Mix of SPN and Robin Hood Characters, Squire!Cas, Fluff, Pining

Proposal in the Produce Aisle

2k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Established Dean/Cas, Domestic Fluff, Marriage Proposal, Dean and Cas Go Grocery Shopping, Dean and Cas Need to Use Their Words, Sam is Essentially a Marriage Counselor

Like Looking in a Mirror... Or Not?

3k, E, AO3, Tumblr

15x13 Coda, Established Dean/Cas, Dean/HunterCorp!Dean, Awkward Sexual Situations, Doppelganger Sex, PWP

This Charming Man

5k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Meet-Cute, College AU, College Student Cas, Roofer Dean, Based Off the Song “This Charming Man” by The Smiths, ficwip5k 2020 Challenge

Morning Confessions (or, Waking Up Next to an Angel)

1k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Mutual Pining, Castiel and Dean Use Their Words, Sharing a Bed, Falling in Love, Angel Wings, Castiel Watches Over Dean

When Parents Come to Visit (or, The Shittiest Anniversary Ever)

5k, E, AO3, Tumblr

Established Dean/Cas, Roommates AU, College AU, Coming Out, Fluff, Light BDSM, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, ficwip5k 2020 Challenge

The Accidental Prayer

2k, E, AO3, Tumblr

Accidental Voyeurism, Masturbation, Castiel and Dean Use Their Words, (Accidentally) Praying to Castiel, Mutual Pining

My Darling, My Dearest, My Dear

1k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Established Dean/Cas, Fluff, watching Dr. Sexy M.D., Jack Kline, Choosing Pet Names For Each Other

The Fortune Teller

3k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Real World AU, Beach Vacation, Palm Reader!Cas, Love Cynic Dean, Background Sam/Eileen, Stay At Home Challenge Week 10, Based Off the Song “The Fortune Teller” by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss

When Angels Wear Flannel

5k, T, AO3, Tumblr

Post-Purgatory, Cas Wears Dean’s Clothes, Hunter!Castiel, Case Fic, Pining, Stay At Home Challenge Week 9

Hope in the Form of One Small Bee

1.5k, G, AO3, Tumblr

Established Relationship, Depressed Castiel, Caring Dean, Fluff, Angst, Set Sometime in S9, Hopeful Ending, Stay At Home Challenge Week 8

Just For Tonight

3k, T, AO3, Tumblr

9x6 Coda, The Missing HoursTM, Mutual Pining, Angst, Fluff, Human!Cas, SPN Stay At Home Challenge Week 7

In All the Universes

3k, T, AO3, Tumblr

15x13 Coda, HunterCorp!Winchesters, Jealous Dean, Established Relationship, Fluff, a lil crack, SPN Stay At Home Challenge Week 6

Sutter Creek

66k, M, AO3

Western AU, Canon-Typical Violence, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Sharing a Bed, Angst, Mutual Pining, Fluff, Happy Ending

[according-to-the-laura]

StackedNatural Day 79: 15x08

StackedNatural Masterpost: [x]

December 12, 2021

15x08: Our Father, Who Aren't in Heaven

Written by: Buckleming

Directed by: Richard Speight Jr.

Original air date: December 12, 2019

Plot Synopsis:

Sam, Dean and Castiel's continued search for a way to defeat Chuck leads them to unexpected places and toward unlikely allies.

Features:

Donatello (unfortunately), God’s secret fear, Rowena is the Queen of Hell, Destiel couples’ counseling, Midam finally makes an appearance, Purgatory flowers and their use in spell work, Sam and Eileen are trapped by God.

My Thoughts:

This episode is weird because objectively some very fun things happen. I love Rowena as Queen of Hell, we get to see Michael and Adam, Eileen and Cas are both in it, but the pacing and half the dialogue are so goddamn weird that it makes it feel like a real in-between episode. Plus, I had to listen to Donatello shouting and I hate that.

Rowena is a real milf in this episode and the set design for her Hell is way better than Crowley’s, so that’s fun. Also the scene where they’re in her throne room and there’s the glass hand-off between Sam and Rowena is almost the same shot as the mixtape hand-off between Dean and Cas. I actually went back to check if Speight also directed that one (he did not; Amanda Tapping did). Also, I love how he framed Cas in the railing so that he had a saint halo when he was praying to Michael.

Truly the best part of this episode is Michael and Adam. I’m so glad that they finally brought back that dropped plot thread, and for once I think Buckleming handled the characters with nuance and care. Every line I noted for the next section of this post was by Michael or Adam. I love that they both agree without saying it that they’re going to stay together. The way Adam wants to get a little job and Michael humours him. I’m obsessed with the way Michael took control when Adam was getting emotional with Dean when he was asking for an apology, and the way Adam is clearly able to take the reins without necessarily asking Michael for permission to tell the Winchesters to stop trying to speak to him.

Ooh, The Trap is coming up. Purgatory prayer, my beloved.

Notable Lines:

“I don’t know much about any of this. You’ll be my guide.”

“You’ve come to tell me that God, my father, creator of all things, is my enemy? Or maybe you just came to beg forgiveness.”

“In the Cage, we came to an agreement. We only had each other.”

“It would mean that I doubt him. The good son, the favorite, doubts his father.”

“God lied to me. I gave everything for him. I loved him. Why?”

“Since when do we get what we deserve?”

Laura’s (completely subjective) Episode Rating: 7.8

IMdB Rating: 8.7

In Conclusion: Unfortunate that Speight gets paired with Buckleming episodes so often because it’s going to artificially lower his overall score. He’s a way better director than they are writers.

<< Previous Day | Next Day >>

[milfjensenackles]

to purgatory and back: chapter 2

1.5k words | read it on ao3

read chapter 1

Dean is in love with his best friend.

He’s trapped in Purgatory with the guy he hooked up with and his best friend who he is completely, head-over-heels in love with.

And they fucking hate each other.

The past few days have been nothing but bickering between Benny and Cas. Dean can’t figure out what the problem is. They’d only just met, and Benny had even saved Cas’ life a few days previously. A Leviathan pinned Cas to the ground while Dean was occupied by two others. Benny moved in at the last second to slice the Leviathan’s head off, moments before it tore Cas apart. Dean remembered watching the whole thing from a few feet away, his heart beating uncomfortably fast in his chest.

No matter what, though, Cas wouldn’t budge. He complained and picked fights with both Benny and Dean, which was only proving to drive Dean more and more insane as they trekked through the deeply wooded forest.

“That angel of yours needs to learn how to keep up if we’re gonna make it to the portal anytime soon,” Benny grumbled under his breath.

Cas glared at Benny. “I heard that.”

Dean sighed in frustration. This was only going to get worse as long as they were all stuck here together. “Can you two stop arguing for one day?”

Cas, now walking ahead of Dean and Benny as though to prove a point, whipped around and said through gritted teeth, “Maybe if your vampire friend would quit provoking me.”

Benny smirked at Cas, obviously looking to start something. “Dean and I are a little more than friends, I would say.”

Cas’ expression changed from that of anger to one that Dean had never seen on his friend before. Cas narrowed his eyes and took a deep breath, stepping closer to Benny. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, Dean didn’t mention it? I guess you two aren’t as close as you thought.”

Dean closed his eyes, pressed two fingers to the bridge of his nose, and took a deep breath. This wasn’t how he wanted Cas to find out about the two of them. He didn’t really want Cas to know about it at all, if he was being completely honest.

Cas’ lip twitched before he turned on Dean. “What is he talking about?”

Dean stepped between Benny and Cas, placing a hand on Benny’s chest to stop him from saying anything else.

“Cas, it’s not what it sounds like.” Okay, it was a little bit what it sounded like. “Benny and I… we might have hooked up. A little bit. A few nights before we found you.” This was the most excruciating experience of Dean’s life, forty years in Hell included.

Benny laughed from behind Dean, clapping a large hand on his shoulder. “I’d say it was a little more than a hookup, D.”

And then all Hell broke loose.

“Keep your hands off of him,” Cas snarled as he used both hands to push Benny against a nearby tree. The roots of the plant barely held on, fighting against the sheer amount of force Cas used to move the vampire. Dean knew Cas was showing off to intimidate Benny, but he wasn’t going to bring that up in case Cas chose to redirect his anger at Dean.

Benny held his hands up in surrender, eyes bulging out of his skull. Cas slowly released him, and Benny dropped to his knees, coughing in an attempt to moderate his breathing. Cas watched him for a moment before turning on his heel and stomping away. Dean scrubbed his hand down his face and then weighed his options. He decided to follow after Cas, quickly catching up to him. Dean grabbed Cas’ arm, pulling him around until they were face to face. Dean’s hand was still pressed into Cas’ arm, his hand clenching around a fistful of trenchcoat. “What the fuck is your problem, man?”

“Have you considered that maybe I don’t enjoy playing third wheel to you and your new vampire boyfriend?”, Cas spat back at him. He was seething. Dean had never seen him this angry before. It was kind of hot.

Dean pressed his palms into his face before throwing his arms out to the side to express his exasperation with the situation.  “What, you got a problem with me having a boyfriend, Cas?” He was shouting now. Benny wasn’t Dean’s boyfriend, but it wasn’t Cas’ business either way. Dean smirked and added, “Are you jealous?”

Cas pressed his lips into a thin line, looking down at the ground. “I am… indifferent to your sexuality, Dean. I simply do not appreciate being treated like an afterthought, especially after hearing your prayers when we were separated. I had assumed our relationship had improved, but I guess I was wrong. I apologize for upsetting you.”

Dean froze, his mouth falling open. “You heard me? You… you heard my prayers and didn’t even think to let me know you were still alive?” Now Dean was the one who was angry. “I prayed to you every night! I thought you were dead, Cas.”

“I know, Dean. And I apologize for that. I was trying to keep you safe. The Leviathans would not have left you alone if I was around.” Cas looked into Dean’s eyes again. Those damn blue eyes were going to be the death of him. His hand was still grabbing at that stupid trenchcoat, so he used it to pull Cas into a hug, if only in an attempt to hide the tears filling his eyes. Dean pressed his face into Cas’ neck, trying to get as close as possible to him.

“Don’t you know by now that I’d rather be in danger with you than safe without you?” Dean’s voice cracked, overwhelmed by the whiplash of emotions he’d felt in the last few minutes.

Cas pulled back at that, obviously shocked by Dean’s emotional reaction. Dean looked Cas up and down, his gaze falling to the angel’s full, chapped lips. Dean wanted to kiss him. He imagined, for a brief moment, what it would be like to kiss Cas whenever he wanted. To have him. He wanted to wake up next to Cas in the morning, arms wrapped around one another, Cas’ bedhead sticking up every which way. God, he was so fucking screwed. Cas noticed where Dean’s gaze had fallen and was nervously looking up and down between Dean’s eyes and lips. Dean leaned in slightly, testing how far he could push this. Cas gave a small nod, and –

“Hey, assholes! We got some Leviathans headed our way. Let’s get this show on the road.”

Dean and Cas jumped apart immediately at Benny’s interruption, avoiding eye contact to focus on where Benny’s voice had come from. As Benny approached them, Cas gave Dean a look that was heavy with emotion before turning around to lead the way.

Dean stared at Cas’ retreating back, still replaying the memory of Cas’ face moving closer to his over and over in his head. “Yeah, let’s go.”

That night, Dean’s nightmares were the worst they had been since entering Purgatory.

He dreamed of himself, lost in Purgatory, searching for Cas. He’s lost Cas again. Dean searches frantically for what feels like an eternity. He finally finds Cas, laying facedown near the same river where they found him the first time. Dean, relief pouring over within himself, races to Cas’ side. As he pulls Cas toward him, though… he realizes. Cas is dead. Dean wakes with a shout, sweat beading on his forehead. He scans the area and finds what he was looking for: Cas. Cas, who was now staring back at him from his curled-up position on the ground. Dean smiles at him sheepishly. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. Had a nightmare.”

“That’s okay, Dean. I was already awake. I couldn’t sleep. It’s too cold.” Cas sat up and scooted closer to where Dean was spread out. “Do you want to talk about your dream?”

Dean shook his head minutely, and Cas nodded in return. Cas silently moved closer to Dean, wrapping his arm around Dean’s waist, and pulling him back toward the dirt beneath them. Dean allowed Cas to maneuver them so that Cas was pressed against his back. Dean thought back to earlier today. They had almost kissed. That actually happened. He wondered if Cas was thinking about it, too. Did Cas feel the same way? Could angels even feel love like that? A thousand questions bounced around Dean’s brain. He wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight, not with the man he loves overwhelming all of his senses.

“Dean, you’re thinking too loud.” Dean chuckled. Cas knew him too well. Dean switched his focus to the feeling of Cas’ hand resting on his hip where his shirt had moved to expose a stretch of skin, the warmth from Cas’ fingers spreading to his own body through just that simple point of contact. He was eventually lulled to sleep by the sound of Cas’ breath in his ear.

[honorbound-to-the-pen]

Fictober Prompt #7

Prompt number: 7 (”That could have gone better”)

Fandom: Supernatural

Rating: Teen

Warnings/Tags: Slight angst, eventual canon-typical violence

Dean and Benny had been hunting other monsters in Purgatory for several days before they found one who knew something. Each monster they killed claimed to know nothing, but once they were attached to a tree trunk by the point of Dean’s purgatory blade they seemed to remember all sorts of things. One by one, each monster led them closer to a vampire who, when finally pinned against the trunk with Dean’s arm across his throat, told them to follow the stream that snaked through Purgatory until it led to where Cas had been camping out.

The stream shouldn’t have been hard to find, given its size and how its sound seemed to permeate the air no matter where you were in Purgatory, but the pair searched for the better part of a day until finally finding it. Once Dean saw the river, his steps quicked and his breath increased almost imperceptibly, but Benny could hear the pumping of blood through Dean’s veins.

Using their Purgatory blades, Benny and Dean slashed and hacked their way through the underbrush. Benny kept an ear out for any approaching monsters, but for once the woods around them were almost unnaturally still, despite the noise they were making and the beacon Benny knew Dean to be.

When Dean paused to rip off a vine that had wrapped itself around the handle of his blade, Benny grabbed his wrist. Since they had found the vampire that gave them directions to the stream, and by extension, to Cas, there had been a shift in Dean’s energy. He seemed tireless, moving methodically through the brush, and he was smiling more than Benny had ever seen him. However, there was also a brittle edge to the consistency with which Dean had reacted to every situation that had come up since gutting the vampire, almost like he was waiting for it all to come crashing down, and didn’t want it to hurt too much. Benny and Dean hadn’t talked much about their personal lives, but over the past few weeks they had started warming up to each other, seeing each other as a friend, someone safe, rather than just a way out of the hellhole they were in.

Late at night, when Dean thought Benny was far enough out on patrol that he couldn’t be heard, Dean had prayed to Cas out loud. He had alternated between cursing Cas’ name, damning him and asking how he could have left Dean all by himself, and in the next breath, he was begging Cas to appear, to send him a sign, anything to let Dean know that Cas was alright. After days where the monsters didn’t stop, or one of them had been wounded in the fight, on those evenings, when there was finally some reprieve, Dean would sit on his knees and profess his love to the air. The first few times he had whispered it, but lately he was almost yelling, telling Cas over and over how much he meant to Dean, how much Dean missed him, how much he needed Cas there with him. Those were the nights where Benny truly tried to be out of earshot, tried to go as far out on patrol as he could while still being able to hear Dean yell if he was in trouble. Invariably, he would hear Dean’s voice, raw and gravelly, and would find himself standing in the treeline surrounding their camp without meaning to. Dean’s prayers on those nights made Benny’s cold, undead heart hurt; not because he was jealous, or because he wished he would be the focus of those words, but because he knew how much Dean had to hurt to acknowledge those feelings. Purgatory was the place where repressed emotions, desires, and memories came out, yes, but Purgatory had never had to contend with a ball of repression quite like Dean Winchester.

On those nights, the nights where Dean hurt enough to tell Cas that he loved him, Benny prayed to Cas too. He didn’t say the same things as Dean, not really. What he did was tell Cas that, if he was out there, he better make damn sure that he was coming back to Dean at some point soon. Benny told him how tirelessly Dean was searching for him, how Dean talked about Cas more than anything else, how Dean refused to head towards the exit, and instead headed towards Cas; all of the things he knew Dean wouldn’t tell Cas, but that Cas should know. The things that might get Cas to come to them, instead of having to go to him.

When Benny grabbed Dean’s wrist, Dean turned and shoved him against the closest tree with his purgatory blade against Benny’s throat. Benny swallowed slowly, thinking “That could have gone better,” but trying not to let a flash of surprise cross his face. After a few seconds, when the instinctual snarl had melted off Dean’s face, he scowled at Benny and lowered his blade but didn’t pull away.

“Hey there Dean,” Benny drawled, smirking at the way Dean’s pupils dilated. “Remember what I said about not thinking with your head going into this? Yeah? When was the last time you checked for monsters? Lucky for you, I’ve been watching your ass, otherwise we’d have a herd or two of vamps on our tail right now.”

“Wow Benny, at least buy a guy dinner before you start looking at his ass.”

“Alright, once you, Hotwings and I get out of here, I’ll bring you somewhere real nice, like a real gentleman.”

“Aw, what a romantic. Always knew you had it in you, bloodsucker.”

“I’ll show you romantic,” Benny snorted, before pushing himself off the tree and into Dean’s mouth, wrapping his arm around Dean’s waist so he couldn’t immediately run like Benny knew was his instinct.

For the first second or two, Dean stood frozen, his heart rate rabbiting in his chest, but after he came to his senses he pushed Benny back against the tree, kissing him back for a few seconds before pulling away, staying a few inches away from Benny’s face, Dean breathing hard and Benny still smirking.

“Really thinking about the angel now, aren't ya?” Benny laughed when Dean’s face colored and he started to stutter.

“Shut up,” Dean muttered, pressing forward to kiss Benny again. This time, Benny ran his fingers through Dean’s hair and held the short strands between his fingers as Dean bit his lip.

After a few seconds, they came apart again, but Benny didn’t let Dean pull away too far. Resting his forehead against Dean’s with his hand still in his hair, Benny looked into Dean’s eyes and held Dean’s gaze.

“You gotta be prepared to not like what you find, Chief. You don’t know why your angel left in the first place, and he might not want to see you. I’m not saying he won’t, I’m just saying to be prepared.”

“You don’t know Cas like I do.”

“What, biblically?” Benny raised his eyebrow.

“He’ll want to see me,” Dean said, ignoring Benny’s comment and pushing himself away. “Let’s go, it’s getting late, and I don’t like the idea of leaving Cas alone with all the monsters we’re bringing his way.”

“Alright, lead the way, chief.”

Dean turned to look at the path he had started, standing still for a second to check the direction in which the sound of running water was the loudest. Picking up his purgatory blade again, Dean started hacking at the underbrush again, and Benny picked his up from where it was leaning against the tree and set off after Dean.

Benny and Dean emerged from the trees onto the riverbank after walking in silence for the better part of an hour. From the top of the slope leading down to the bank, Benny could see a figure in a trenchcoat squatting at the river’s edge, scooping some water up in their hands. Dean immediately started jogging towards the figure, calling out.

“Cas!”

With his preternatural hearing, Benny could hear the angel reply, “Dean.” Clearly, Dean could hear it too, speeding up and sliding down the rocky embankment onto the shore. Jogging up to the figure and wrapping him in a hug, Dean buried his face in Cas’s neck, holding the trenchcoat tight in his fists.

“Hey Cas. Damn, it’s good to see you. Nice peach fuzz.” Seemingly without realizing it, Dean pulled back and held Cas’ cheek in his hand, running his thumb over this beard. “I want you to meet somebody: this is Benny. Benny, this is Cas.”

Benny strode forward and reached out towards Cas with the hand not holding his purgatory blade. Looking at it uncertainly for a moment before reaching forward to take it, Cas met Benny’s eyes. “I’ve heard good things about you,” Benny said, looking Cas up and down before nodding to himself.

“I’ve heard good things about you too. Thank you for keeping Dean safe.” Benny smiled wolfishly at Cas, ignoring Dean’s protest.

Stepping back, Cas looked between Benny and Dean before asking, “How did you find me?”

“The bloody way,” Dean said with a look of mild chagrin on his face, which was quickly overtaken again by a wide smile. “You feeling ok?”

“Yes, I’m perfectly sane. But then, 94% of psychotics think they’re perfectly sane, so I guess we’ll have to ask ourselves: what is sane?” Dean smiled wider, and Benny covered a huff of amusement at Cas’ odd statement.

Benny stepped forward, the smile still on his face, but now sharp at the edges. “Why’d you bail on Dean?” Ignoring Dean’s reprimands, Benny pressed on. “The way I hear it, you two hit Monsterland and Hotwings here took off. I figure he owes you some backstory.” Benny turned to face Dean and gave him a stony look, trying to mentally prod him into remembering Benny’s warnings about thinking with his head.

“I...I ran away.” Cas hung his head, unable to look Dean in the eye. Instead, he made eye contact with Benny. “I had no choice.” Sensing Dean’s hurt, Benny reached over to put a hand on his back, between his shoulders, without breaking eye contact with Cas.

“I prayed to you Cas. Every night.” Dean’s voice was rough, and Benny silently steeled himself for the pain that Cas’ next words could cause.

“I know. I am an angel in a land of monsters; there have been things hunting me since the moment we got here. And I know they’re hunting you too, but these are different: these are Leviathan, Dean. I have a price on my head, and I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them to...to keep them away from you. That’s why I ran.” Cas ducked his head and turned, facing the river, trembling just enough for Benny to see. The admission of love hung in the air, and Benny and Dean both released the tension on their shoulders, realizing they had both been gearing up for a fight.

“Just leave me, please.” Cas’ voice broke, and Benny could see Dean tense up all over again, anger building in his muscles. Stalking over to Cas, Dean put his hand on Cas’ shoulder and spun him around, staring into Cas’ eyes with an intensity Benny hadn’t seen before.

“Cas, we’re getting out of here. Going home. And you’re coming with us. I don’t care if I have to drag you through that portal myself, I’m not leaving you here.”

“It might not work, Dean. I don’t know if the portal’s angel friendly.”

“We’ll figure it out. Cas, buddy, I need you. And if Leviathan want to take a shot at us, let 'em.”

“Dean…it’s too dangerous.”

“I’m not leaving here without you. Understand?”

After a moment of silence, Cas bowed his head. “I understand.”

“Alright, let’s move.” Clapping Cas on the back and pressing their heads together, Dean turned and headed back up the bank towards their path through the woods.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/34345339/chapters/85494826#workskin