#he probably would've burned the house down too

[arcxnumvitae]

Part 8

He moved like a ghost through the manor with the bloody knife clutched in his hand. Every human servant he came across with their glazed eyes too much like his mother's fell to his weapon, adding red to the gore that covered him.

This whole manor, the years he had spent in service to it and its purposes...all for what? For his mother to die? No, the entire manor should be eradicated from existence.

At some point he came across a sword, one possibly meant to be a pretty piece of decoration. It was functional enough, and every person he came across fell with a single swipe. He didn't know where he was going until his body led him to what he recognized to be the master bedroom chambers. Mhoirbheinn pushed open the door, leaving a bloody silver and red handprint smeared against the fine wood.

Inside, the lady of the house sat at a table, wholly unaware of the carnage that had been taking place under her own roof. Her pale eyes settled on him, surprised, then disdainful upon recognizing him, only to turn to horror once she realized the blood that drenched him.

"What are you--" She made to rise, but it was too late. A few quick steps into the room and a single, deep drag of his sword against her throat sent a fountain of silver pouring from the woman's body as her hands flew to her throat. Mhoirbheinn turned and left the room, leaving her to slump lifeless to the floor.

His father's office soon loomed before him, and just as before, Mhoirbheinn pushed open the door. He was only a child, a sheltered pawn, when he first set foot in that office. Just as he had been all those years ago, his father was seated at his desk, the always-present mask on the man's face.

Even with the mask in place, the man's shock was palatable when he looked up to find his youngest standing before him, covered in blood and with a mania in his eyes that would send a shiver down the spine of even the most seasoned soldier. He stumbled to his feet.

"You--! You ungrateful child, what have you done?! What have you done?!"

Staring straight at the man, Mhoirbheinn didn't respond. He simply leapt towards his father, sword gripped tight in his hand.

---------

Blood dripped from the teen as he settled onto a couch in the sitting room. The sword had been abandoned at some point on the way, its mission done. He doubted he would need it anyways. From the silence that spanned throughout the whole manor, he suspected he had killed every last soul within it.

Well, save himself, of course. Mhoirbheinn stared unseeing into the crackling warmth of the hearth below, fingers idly toying with an ornate signet ring pilfered straight from the finger of his father's corpse. The family ring.

The entire Rathais line, completely eradicated, and all seemingly by a stranger with no ties whatsoever to them. To the entire Unseelie, it would seem as if the ancient noble line had been ended in one violent swoop without a single heir to carry on its prestige. What his father had feared most would come true in the end. Wasn't it hilarious?

Head tipping back, the youth burst into a bout of harsh laughter that echoed throughout the empty manor.

[roosterr]

white flag ✹ proglogue

note: can't believe i'm actually writing for ghost, yes he was the reason i got into cod, but i havent thought about him since like january lol. has this trope already been done? yes. am i doing it anyway? also yes.

pairing: ghost x gn!reader

wc: 2.2k

no use of y/n readers callsign is 'stingray'

summary: if there's one constant in your life, it's that ghost doesn't like you, so when your house burns down and you have no choice but to move in with him, it feels like your life is on a steady downhill spiral.

warnings: slowburn, some angst, your house burns down, ghost is mean, sort of enemies to friends to lovers

ao3

【next】

it's been almost a year since you'd joined the taskforce. nearly twelve months of gruelling hard work, and not for a single second had lieutenant ghost treated you with a shred of familiarity. at first, you thought he'd get over it, that he'd get past his obvious trust issues and warm up to you eventually, but you quickly gave up on that idea.

clearly, you'd been too optimistic.

which was unfortunate, considering how much you'd come to care for the prickly bastard, no matter how dismissive he was of you. it started slow; when you were first recruited, you held a great deal of respect for him because of his reputation, and you'd naively even looked forward to working with him. when you discovered his less than friendly demeanour, to say you were disheartened would be an understatement. he was withdrawn and stoic, never sparing you so much as a passing glance and a barked order,  whether you were in the field or not.

the other sergeants had assured you that he wasn't as cold as he comes across; soap and gaz both told you how he'd acted the same towards them when they first met – he was a lone wolf, not used to having to look out for teammates.

the more time you spent on missions with him, the more you saw of the person beneath the hard exterior. you saw how he seemed to know everyone's strengths and weaknesses, things you never would've picked up on. he always made sure the team had eaten, disguised as a gruff order to stay on your game. when he got angry, it would be because someone put themselves in danger, not because they screwed up the mission. you saw someone who'd been through hell and come out the other side swinging.

before, you'd respected ghost as a soldier and your superior, but now, after spending so much time with him, your perspective of him has changed. he intrigued you; he's quiet, introverted but not shy, more observant than you could imagine, and so closely guarded you wondered if he'd ever be able to open up. you'd only heard whispers of the things he'd been through in the past, so despite his obvious animosity towards you, you treated him with the respect you thought he deserved – like a person, and you'd hoped that with time, he could see you as more than just a soldier too. though he still didn't like you, you liked to think that the two of you have come to some sort of understanding.

and that leads you to your problem; you wanted to know him. every tiny crack in his facade made you more and more curious about the man behind the mask – about simon, rather than ghost, but from what you could tell, he didn't hold the same sentiment about you. where he would banter back and forth with the others over comms, he'd fall silent whenever you join in. every minute little mistake was amplified to him, you've lost count of the amount of times he's berated you for things he's excused for others. it made your heart ache that you just couldn't win with him, and you feared you'd never understand why.

but now, as you sit shivering with a shock blanket wrapped around your shoulders, watching the smouldering remains of what was your home in the middle of the night, freezing and exhausted, you'd never felt more hated.

you could hear them, ghost and the captain, talking in hushed voices a little ways down the road from where you sit. they probably think they're being subtle, discussing what to do with you like you're not even there, like every single one of your worldly possessions hadn't just gone up in smoke, but you hear them as if they're standing right in front of you.

"i wouldn't do this if there were any other options, simon."

"there are plenty of other options, just stick 'em in a hotel for god's sake."

"there's no hotels close enough to base – it'll only be temporary, 'till we can find 'em somewhere else."

"fuckin' hell, why cant they go with one of the others?"

"soap and gaz are already flatmates, you live alone and you're the closest to base. this is the only option that makes sense."

"i'm not fuckin' happy about this, price."

their profiles are momentarily illuminated by the blue lights from the fire engine parked nearby, allowing you for a second to see the withering glare ghost is sending your way, and all of a sudden the last couple hours of emotional distress is crashing down on you; his obvious distaste for you combined with the toll of watching your house literally burning down was too much for you all at once. you could feel the tears start to spill over again, but you can’t find the strength to stop them and just bring the shock blanket closer to your face. you’d lost everything, and even now he couldn’t find it in himself to feel an ounce of compassion for you? why can’t he care for you like he does the others? like you do for him?

as your watery gaze drops to the soot and ash covering your pyjamas, a voice sounds from beside you, the opposite direction from price and ghost. you don’t even realise you’re hyperventilating until they lay a hand on your shoulder and rub soothing circles into your back.

“hey– hey, it’s okay,” it’s gaz, you notice in the back of your mind, sitting on the curb next to you. you squeeze your eyes shut in an attempt to block out the world around you, and gaz brings you closer into his embrace. “you’ll be alright, we’ll get everything sorted, yeah?”

"i– i don't– i can't–" you try to speak, but you can't seem to form a coherent sentence through your sobbing.

"it's alright, just breathe for me." gaz hugs you tighter again, your head coming to rest on his shoulder as he consoles you. for a few minutes you stay like that, your breathing eventuslly returning to normal and the tears slowing to a stop.

price and ghost are still arguing, but you can't hear what they're saying anymore; probably for the best, if you had to listen to ghost complain about you for one more second you might really have a breakdown.

soap's voice cuts through the fog in your mind, "managed to find this, thought ya' might want it." you look up to find him crouching in front of you and holding out a slightly singed photo, a weak smile on his face. "frame's broken, but the picture's still mostly fine."

you take it from him, fingers grasping the card gently as you turn it around to look at the picture. it's from a few years ago, you and your friends from your previous unit, smiling into the camera as if you had no worries at all. staring at the ghosts of your friends starts you crying again, clutching the photo to your chest and leaning back into gaz's shoulder. if anything could've survived the blaze, you're grateful it was this. gaz rubs your arm sofly, whispering comforting words to you again.

you hear another set of footsteps approach and look up again to see price now standing in front of you as well. it's not exactly surprising, but ghost is nowhere to be seen.

"ambulance is here," price says, offering you a hand and pulling you to your feet when you take it. "i'll follow behind to the hospital, one of you two take their car to simon's."

you nod and retrieve your car keys from your jacket pocket, thankful you'd had the mind to grab it on your way out in your frantic state.

"I've got a bag in the boot, it's got some clothes in it." you mutter, handing the keys to soap, who smiles and gives you a pat on the shoulder.

"no bother, i'll grab it for ya." he says, and jogs off to where your car was parked, thankfully untouched out of reach of the fire. he returns not a minute layer carrying your duffle of emergency supplies, something you never thought would actually come in handy.

before you know it you're waving gaz and soap goodbye, the paramedics are guiding you to the back of the ambulance, and you're leaving what remains of your old home in the rear-view mirror.

✹✹✹

you hated hospitals. it was a fact, and it had been that way since you were a child, everything about them just made your skin crawl. perhaps you inherited the feeling from your mother; she always managed to bring up her distaste for the place whenever the topic arose. or, maybe you only hated them because they scared you.

either way, the relief you felt as you stepped out of the front door into the car park with price trailing behind you was palpable. he falls into step next to you as the two of you make your way over to where he parked, his keys jingling as he fishes them from his pocket.

"we're puttin' you up with simon for the time being, 'till we can get you somewhere else." his words make you wince; you already knew he was going to say that, but it didn't stop the anxiety from bubbling up in your chest.

"i heard." a beat of silence passes before you continue. "how long will that take?" you ask, climbing into the passenger seat and dropping your bag at your feet as price settles into the driver's side.

"i wouldn't get your hopes up. might be quicker to wait for 'em to rebuild your old place." he flashes you a smile, but you can't find it in yourself to return the gesture.

"right."

neither of you say another word as he starts the engine and pulls out of the car park. you turn to look out the window, watching the world go by, the quiet rambling of the radio serving as white noise in the background. it's the early hours of the morning now, the sun would be up in a few hours and you'd have to go back to work already – price did say you could have the day off, but honestly the last thing you wanted was to sit around all day with nothing to do but overthink.

after nearly ten minutes of trying to ignore it, the worry playing at your mind becomes too much to keep to yourself.

"you know he hates me, right?" you utter, half expecting price to ignore your question all together.

he clicks his tongue. "he doesn't hate you," price replies, and his voice sounds reassuring but it doesn't bring you much comfort.

"okay, well, he doesn't like me either." you turn your head to look at him, raising your brows. rolling to a stop at a red light, he meets your eyes and huffs.

"alright, he can be difficult–"

"really?"

"–but i promise you, he doesn't hate you." he says. you give him a disbelieving look, and he sighs, looking back to the road as the light turns green. "give him a chance, alright?"

"is he gonna give me a chance?" 

"he will." price says firmly, sparing you a look as he drives down the quiet road. "and if he doesn't, you'll knock some sense into him, eh?"

"sure…" you mutter, looking back out the window and falling back into silence. its only a few minutes until he's pulling over to the side of the road, outside the house number you know to be ghost's.

"sting," price calls out, stopping you as you reach for the door handle, "he'll come around, alright?"

"it's been a year, cap. i don't think he will." you reply, and before he can say anything else you open the door and step out into the night air, grabbing your bag from your feet before closing the door again. you give price a half-hearted wave as he pulls away again, before turning around and gazing up at your – temporary – new home.

it was nice, all things considered; a standard terrace on the end of the row, but the size has you wondering if there was even room for you to stay here. though it's not as if you have a choice. all the lights were off, which had you hopeful that you wouldn't run into ghost just yet.

you drag yourself to the front door, your eyes stinging from the effort of keeping them open, and twist the handle as quietly as possible, closing it behind you and cringing at the clunk it makes. thankfully ghost didn't hate you enough to lock you out for the night, something you actually wouldn't put past him considering how he feels about you.

there's a small side table in the entryway that catches your attention. on top of it sits your car keys – you make a mental note to thank soap in the morning – a new key, and a note. you pick up the paper, using the torch from your phone to examine the scratchy handwriting.

living room's yours. lock the door. – s

it's more than you expected from him. you sigh to yourself and pick up the other key, locking the door and shuffling into the small living room. the pull-out bed is made up for you, albeit quite messily, and you waste no time in dropping your stuff and laying your head down on the lumpy pillow.

with any luck, this arrangement wouldn't last long, but in the meantime you got the feeling you were in for a bumpy ride.

[kissohee]

bbf!wonbin x fem!reader ☆ nsfw ; wc : 2k+ ☆ one-shot mdni! synopsis; although your brother had a rule about any of his friends getting with his sister, you just couldn't help but get wrapped up in one of them when he says he can help you with the stress you've been dealing with. warnings; super duper cliche, anton is readers brother, wonbins a sweetie pie, unprotected sex, spitting, grinding, sub wonbin?, whimpering, rushed.

You knew from the moment they walked through the door that you were not getting any of your work done.

Even putting on your headphones at full blast couldn't drown out the sound of laughter coming from outside your bedroom door. You had a feeling the option of working has been thrown out the window. Despite all your attempts to work through your stress, the noise only made things 100 times worse. There was no use of even trying the second your stomach started to growl. Stress, noise and hunger, three of the worst things to be dealing with while attempting to read a college textbook. So you closed the book and stomped out your room, looking for relief on both problems. "You guys are being insanely loud." Is the first thing you say the second you see the group of boys in the kitchen. They looked up at you in sync, some still talking to each other before you cleared your voice. "Once again, insanely loud." As if on cue, they all start talking over each other trying to apologize but also greet you. You noticed Wonbin being the only one who isn't talking, looking between all the boys with increased volume. This was also the first time you're actually seeing Wonbin in your house, and he's usually the only one that never shows up to the hangouts Anton plans, usually do to his busy schedule according to Sungchan. "Hi Wonbin sweetie," You smile at him, causing all the surrounding boys to shut up. He opens his mouth to respond before getting interrupted, "Why's he the only one you say hi to...?" Sohee pouts, crossing his arms like a little child about to throw a tantrum. "Be quieter and I'll start saying hi to you too." You cross your arms to mirror his actions and he rolls his eyes. "Were you studying?" You nod with a hint of annoyance at Anton's question, "Ah sorry, we'll try to keep it down." "Please do." "Food- Kitchen- If you- Want-" Eunseok points towards the 3 pizza boxes stacked up on one another through chews as he eats whatever was on his plate and you make an immediate beeline there to avoid talking to any more of them. "Hey," Wonbin follows you into the kitchen, resting his back against a counter while watching you take a slice of pizza from the box, "Nice house." "Small talk is not your forte," You let out a small giggle before taking a bite out of the bottom of the pizza, replying with a mouth full, "But thank you." "Yeah no problem..." He starred at the ground, trying to come up with something else to say. But when he couldn't he just laughed out of awkwardness. His eyes scrunched up while he did so and it cause you to laugh along with him. You always tolerated Wonbin the most of Anton's friends. He was always kindest to you, and you probably would've asked him out a long time ago if Anton didn't have his stupid sister is off limits rule. "You have a really pretty smile." You complimented him, watching as his smile disappears before slowly returning.

"Thanks you too," He whispers, causing you to tilt your head. "Why are we whispering." You respond in the same volume he did, letting out a giggle at the end. "Your brother would burn me if he found out I told you that." He gets closer, opening the pizza box before taking another slice, "He's very serious about you." "Ignore him." You raise your brows at Wonbin, "His voice doesn't reach any higher than half of his height, don't be so scared." Wonbin let's out a small chuckle before immedeatly stopping upon realizing this his friend you're talking about. "Does this mean you want me to compliment you more often?" You place the pizza on a small plate before gently grabbing his chin with your hand, "I wouldn't be opposed to it." Leaving him no space to respond, you take your plate of food and head back to your room. Trying to continue what you started earlier but finding no use in it when you feel the intense urge to just go on your phone and scroll. The pizza had absolutely no effect on you either, hoping that it would give you at least a little bit of energy. Which it didn't, so now you were stuck with an empty plate and head so full you couldn't possibly stuff new information in it even if you wanted to. Assuming the best solution would probably just be to sleep it off and try again tomorrow, you grab a comfier shirt to go with the already comfy sweatpants you decided to wear on the slow day. There was absolutely no better feeling than taking off the bra you were wearing all day, only then had your tiredness caught up with you and you reach for your shirt.

The door swings open, causing you to put your shirt on in a speed you had no idea was possible, You turned around to be met face to face with Wonbin. "This is not the bathroom..." He mumbles to himself, the silence so heavy he swears he could hear his heartbeat. You place a hand on your chest to calm down your racing heart, "Jeez Wonbin you scared me." The look on his face told you it was entirely an accident, his eyes traveling over your body, unsure in what to do. "Are you just going to stand there?" He didn't reply, almost frozen in fear, "Hello..?" "I promise-" He slowly backs away when he regains his senses, hand stuck on the door handle, "This was not on purpose." You almost felt bad with how scared he looks. "Wonbin relax I'm not gonna tell anyone that this happened." He let's out a 'phew' and you watch as his body releases tension, his chest slowly raising normally. "I was looking for the bathroom.. Anton told me it was down here but I wasn't sure and-" "It's the door next to this room." You point to the wall that the bathroom was on the other side of. He chews on his bottom lip out of discomfort for barging into your room the way he did and turns the door knob, preparing to leave. "Got it. Thanks." You remember the bored expression on his face when you walked in on them and the way he was the only one who wasn't saying anything. Perhaps he needed a small break from his friends too. "Wait," Wonbin peaks back into your room, "You can hang out here if you want to for a bit, maybe.?" "Oh," He looks around the room and back at you before cautiously stepping into it, closing the door behind him, "Sure." You softly pat a spot next to your bed that he takes and he rubs his hands up and down his legs while waiting for you to say something. "Let me, put this away real quickly." You let him know and he nods while watching you stack up your textbooks, carefully placing them on your bookcase. "If you were still doing your work, I can leave.!" He stands up, "Wouldn't want to intrude." You pat his chest, making him sit down again in an automated respond, "It's alright, I couldn't focus to begin with." "Couldn't focus because of us, right?" Recalling your earlier conversation where you had mentioned they were too loud for you to work peacefully. "To be honest I couldn't before you guys got here either. But you guys did not make it any easier." He tilted his head just like you had done earlier in confusion, "Stress." He hesitates on talking before taking a deep breath, "I can help?" "With?" Getting help with really difficult work you had to do, could be good, and it could help you work more. "Well if it's stress, I can help you.. you know.." Oh. "Help as in.." You pause, "Sex?" He doesn't say anything but just shyly nods and shrinks to the best of his ability in case he went to far.

You think about your odds, on one hand you could really use the reliever, on the other, this could result in someone losing a finger. You told Wonbin not to worry about Anton earlier yes, but you left out the part that Anton can get pretty psycho at times. Silent but deadly. Yet nothing was stopping you now from accepting. "I'm down." Wonbin doesn't mean to, but he can't help but smile. The small smile on his face made you feel the urge to kiss him, which is exactly what you do. He moans into your mouth almost immedeatly, his arms pulling you so you're pressed up against him. His lips soft against yours, and you softly push him down against your bed to give you the ability to taste him better. He plays with the bottom of your shirt, but doesn't make the attempt to pull it off you. "We have to," he continues kissing you, thinking of the words he's trying to say without stopping, "We have to be quick." You bring a pillow under his head for comfort, "Unless you want your brother finding out." You knew you had to be quick, you assumed it was implied the second you started kissing, "Please don't bring him up right now." "Sorr-" You bring your leg over his, your knee pressing against his crotch area, making him let out a soft hiss from the sudden contact. When you start exploring his mouth with your tongue, he grinds his hips up into your knee, allowing you to feel the harden state he was in. He's letting out more 'sorrys' without stopping, almost like his hips had a mind of it's own. "Can't wait?" Your press your knee slightly harder into him, but not enough to hurt him and he whimpers from it. You didn't feel like correcting his whimpers, finding them too cute to stop. His hair starting to stick to his forehead, rushing to undo his pants in a hurry. "Slow down." You place a hand over his own, and he shifted his bulge against your hand. "Oh please please, I can't.." He breathed out. You were starting to feel the wetness form in your panties, knowing you'd probably reach his desperation levels soon if you don't do anything about it. So you help him unbutton his pants, observing as he pulls them off quickly. You copy him and free yourself from your pants too, the cold air hitting you making you shiver. Wonbin takes a good long look at you before smiling, "So pretty.." He looks up at you, holding eye contact, "So so pretty." His praises sending straight to your core and you decide you need him more now than ever. You get on top of him and he watches as his cock disappears inside of you. You both let out moans, trying to be cautious about your level of volume. You start grinding on his cock, head slowly falling back. Your shirt falls, covering where the two of you connect and Wonbin immedeatly holds it back up, "N-need to- to see." His hair leaving his forehead to instead clump together from the sweat, leaving you the perfect view of his face. Puffy eyes, and red lips, you couldn't get enough of him. You grab the sides of his mouth and he opens it instinctively. He looks at you while a line of your spit drags down from you and into his mouth, your movements on his cock never halting before you go back to making out with him. The feeling of his lips on yours and his cock inside of you brings you closer and closer to the feeling you're so desperate of getting. His hips start softly twitching too, especially when he starts grinding up to help you. You reach your orgasm much faster than expected, moaning into his mouth as your eyes flutter. His hands drop your shirt to move to your hips, helping you off of him as his cum shoots out and onto his stomach. "Ah- ah shit." His noises a mixture between soft moans and whimpers, both bringing butterflies to your stomach. Anton can't kill him over something he doesn't know, right?

I PROMISE this eunseok fic is coming, longer fics just give me really bad writers block! Once again, if you see any mistakes, no you don't! - 🐠😭 (p.s. ive given up on making my text smaller on posts because tumblr does this weird thing where desktop users basically cant do that for whatever reason!! booooo!!! 🍅🍅)

[mikareo]

౨ৎ⋆ ˚｡⋆ midnight love ⠀ ꒰ . . geto suguru x gn reader ꒱ . . . word count; 0.7k

⊹ ⠀⠀ heartbreak is a cycle. over, and over, and over again.

contains; geto suguru x gn reader, angst, geto dumped you and you can't get over it, mentions abandonment and attachment issues, lots of reader insecurities, womp womp author's note; hey ! XD

"you really can't be calling me at this hour anymore." suguru's voice is faint. he's likely just woken up from a deep slumber, probably dreaming of something far more interesting and attractive than you are, but that isn't a dream that you'd like to picture. he did this to you.

sometimes, he needs to see what your nightmares look like.

"i'm sorry, it's just that i've been thinking about everything again." clearing your throat, you can't help but notice that your voice can't stop shaking. get a grip of yourself. you're embarrassing. "i feel like we made a mistake. it's not crazy to try things again; we know what went wrong so let's just fix it this time. right? we can be even better this time around."

you know the hopefulness slipping from your tongue is something that suguru has grown to hate. he hates the guilt that it makes him feel. he hates the reminders of a time where he was so madly in love with you that he couldn't imagine sleeping through one of your sporadic phone calls in the middle of the night. he hates how it reminds him how hard you sobbed when he said those three little words. not 'i love you'...but 'let's break up'.

he hates that it makes him regret things.

so instead, he forces you to bottle it all up.

"i'm not interested anymore, i've told you that." the sound of your poorly mended heart shattering once more is far too familiar. "seriously, we crashed and burned so let's just leave it at that."

this is the third time he's said these words. the first being an hour after he dumped you over the phone, when you called him back amidst uncontrollable sobs and he didn't seem to care all that much. the second being a month after what would've been your first anniversary together, to which he was careless with your heart as you poured it out to him on his doorstep. now, the third, where it's been a whole three months since your untimely break up and your sleep has been lost to you for yet another night.

...and he still doesn't care.

he doesn't care about you.

he doesn't care at all.

why doesn't he care?

"suguru, please." it's pathetic to beg, but what else can you do? "i love you. i want to be with you and i'm willing to do anything to make it work. c'mon, work with me, here." just say yes. just say yes and maybe you'll smile again.

he takes a deep breath. you can count down the seconds until he exhales.

three.

you envision a scenario where he bolts from his bed, frantically grabs his jacket, and drives straight to your house. his hand hovers over the front door, ready to knock, when you fling it open and then fling yourself into his arms. suguru laughs at your eagerness, gently gripping your face beneath your jaw and kissing you tenderly. god, it's been so long since you felt his kisses. you could cry from the overwhelming happiness in your heart. the overwhelming joy that he never fails to make you feel when he's truly and completely in love with you, too.

two.

you recall one of your favorite dreams, one just a few nights ago, where suguru had never broken up with you in the first place. in fact, he thinks the mere thought is comically funny. he'd never ends things. you're the best thing that's ever happened to him and he never fails to tell you that at every hour of the day. he's the perfect boyfriend. he's the ideal husband. he's the man that you've been wishing for for your entire life...but he really is just that. he's a dream.

one.

"i don't love you anymore."

oh...

oh.

you wish this were a scenario. you wish you were sleeping. you wish he could've said anything other than those awful words, but this is reality. dreams don't reflect reality. dreams aren't real. his love for you isn't real. he doesn't love you. he doesn't want you. he doesn't need you. give up. give up. stop making a fool of yourself.

"but i love you."

pathetic.

you're pathetic.

the sigh he exhales is pitiful.

he's so obviously aware of how clingy you've become in your lonesome life that he's not even surprised by your behavior. he's not surprised by your confession. it's almost as if he expected it. he knows your flaws. he knows your stance on abandonment...on attachment...on absence. he knows you can't possibly function in a world without him...

...and he hangs up.

⋆⋆⋆⠀ ⠀thank you for reading! reblogs are greatly appreciated!

[ceilidho]

do u perchance have any ghost/soap/reader thoughts to spare 🤲

oh my god you wouldn't even believe the amount of thoughts I have about them (nsfw below the read more)

I love thinking about what the dynamic might look like depending on who initiated the relationship.

I love love love the idea of Ghost dating you (a civilian who lives off base; maybe he even keeps you tucked away in a house somewhere up north to keep you safe) and realizing that Soap has a bit of a crush on you. He talks a bit too much whenever Ghost brings you around, postures a bit in front of you, and gets VERY sketchy and flighty when Ghost tries to talk to him about you later.

He won't admit it, but it's hard seeing pictures of you (or worse, meeting you in person and getting to see with his own eyes how teeny tiny you are next to his behemoth of a CO) because anytime Soap does, his thoughts immediately jump to something nasty like "wonder how he fits his cock in her mouth" "she probably gags on it a little"

He really can't help it; it's part being cocky and competitive by nature and wanting to measure up to the guy he holds in such high esteem (Soap's had a bit of a work crush on Ghost since basically day 1 of working together; his little heart eyes when he said "Save you a seat, sir" that first mission) and part genuine attraction. And then part being just a regular guy with filth on the brain 24/7 - like sue him, he sees a gorgeous girl and a guy twice her size with his arm around her waist, he's gonna think about that when he's alone in the showers.

Ghost obviously picks up on this almost instantly.

The next time Ghost brings you up, they're setting up camp somewhere in the desert, and Soap's already red face (he tans as well as he burns) grows even hotter. It's obvious that he's got it bad for you. It's also obvious that he thinks he's being slick and keeping his crush hidden from Ghost.

Weeks in the desert are a bitch to deal with. Especially weeks spent in near constant proximity to work colleagues/friends; usually the guys are used to sneaking off to crank one out every once in awhile, but something about this particular mission makes that impossible. They're stuck in the same quarters 24/7 and Soap can't even handle hearing your name because he's so pent up and jittery. Probably hasn't jerked off in at least a week and a half.

Maybe one night, when it's just Soap and Ghost retiring for the night while Price and Gaz take over watch, and Soap's been particularly acerbic all day, frustration etched into his face, Ghost drags him by the arm down with him onto the bed. Soap's caught off balance (they're both dead on their feet; he didn't expect Ghost to suddenly tug him down beside him onto the too small cot that barely has enough room for one of them) and tries to scramble away at first, but Ghost growls at him that if he doesn't tug one out and quit making stupid calls on their mission, he'll do it for him.

(Obviously, in this 'verse, Ghost wouldn't have any problem with that. He hasn't been suppressing his feelings for Soap so much as figuring out the best way to get Soap to come around to the idea)

The thing that finally stuns Soap into silence is when Ghost pulls out his phone (which has basically 3 contacts, a handful of photos and nothing else) and opens up a bunch of your nudes. Completely gobsmacked. Immediately bricked up, sweat beading on his upper lip, eyes flicking wildly over to Ghost at his side, who's already undoing his belt and Soap feels like his heart's about to pump straight out of his chest.

"Y'gonna lay there like a fucking idiot with your mouth open or deal with that?" Ghost finally growls, pulling his own cock out (Soap stops breathing for a second at the sight; it's as big as he would've guessed, proportional, girthier than it is long, and already hard, wet at the tip because Ghost's a pretty leaky man).

He's giving him tacit permission to jerk off to his girlfriend's nudes.....obviously Soap's not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. His brain is fried though - he won't even acknowledge the degrees to which this whole thing is absolutely fucked, jerking off with his lieutenant to his lieutenant's girlfriend's nudes.

All he can concentrate on are the photos of you in your lacy lingerie (maybe tugging your panties to the side, flipped over on your stomach with your hips canted in the air and ass on full display) and the sound of Ghost's hand slick over his dick. It's the hottest he's ever felt in his life and he's almost worried that he's going to pass out before he can even enjoy himself properly.

[Maybe right before he comes, Ghost reaches over and wraps a big hand around Soap's balls and gives them just the slightest little squeeze, grunting in his ear to "c'mon, get it over with", and Soap near blacks out from how hard he comes]

[crusty-chronicles]

Hands Off!

Synopsis: What happens when someone tries to woo Hiei's very stupid S/O. What happens when they move in to kiss. Absolute madness is what.

An: For you BBY gorl 🫴 @notxxan3

Hiei wouldn't describe himself as a jealous creature. He wouldn't classify himself as someone caring at all. Especially when it came to your human affairs. He didn't bat an eye when you went out and came back with my food. He didn't care when you would leave for hours on end to attend 'school.'

You were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. Well, strength wise that is. When it came to the most mundane of tasks, you were completely hopeless. You'd almost burnt down your house several times cooking. But that was besides the point.

Your routine and what you did in your free time wasn't his concern. All he cared about was having your attention when he came back from his duties in demon world. To relax on your soft bedding and relish in your affections. Your warmth that rivaled his own. Your nonsensical questions about why tables these days were too easy to break.

You brute... but you were his all the same.

But all that went out the window when he came back and saw another human cozying up to you. Arm partially thrown over your shoulders from behind the couch while you were looking at papers. The look in their eyes was all too familiar to the fondness he had for you in his.

It took everything in him to not reach for his sword. He knew it wasn't your fault. Your tiny brain was never one to jump to conclusions. In fact, you never really understood most social cues. He knew you were completely oblivious to the other human's advances.

At least, he hoped you were completely oblivious.

So in order to keep his growing irritation at bay, he called for you. Using your name when he addressed you. His own way of showing affection.

"Y/n."

He would have found the way your head snapped in his direction endearing had it not been for the person next to you. He would've called you 'fool' at the way your eyes lit up upon seeing him, lecturing you for forgetting he'd always come back. But instead he glared daggers at the human who seemed to glare right back.

"Hiei!" Your smile was pure as you turned to the person next to you. Gesturing at Hiei enthusiastically in a way that made him feel like an idiot for being insecure.

"That's my boyfriend!"

So much affection in your words that he had to turn away. Not wanting you to see the red burning on his cheeks. You'd called him yours. You couldn't have been anymore blunt, but he always did like that about you.

"He's kinda short, no?" The other human commented.

If you weren't sitting right there next to them, Hiei would have torched the couch with his Dragon of the Darkness Flame. If they weren't human, he probably would have killed them for daring to enter your shared space. But they were your guest. Whether he liked it or not, he had to be civil.

That didn't mean he couldn't give out his own remarks in the meantime.

"And you're irksome."

A scowl from the other human before you got up to greet your partner. And Hiei couldn't help but enjoy the upset look on their face as you placed a his on his cheek.

That's right.

You were his.

And you'd always be his.

"This is one of my classmates." You introduced, pointing at the now agitated human.

"You know how I've been failing lately? Well, they're gonna be my tutor. Isn't that great?"

Hiei didn't waste a second giving his response.

"No."

This human obviously had other ulterior motives coming here. Namely flirting with you. Which was unsurprisingly not going in their favor. How could it when you'd always cry for the three eyed demon when he was gone too long?

When you wore his Heriseki stone with pride everyday. When you asked to stay with him in the demon world.

"C'mon don't be mean. They're only here for a couple of more minutes. Please, I don't wanna flunk outta college." You begged.

It was just like you to be unaware of the growing hostility between the two of them. Sometimes he cursed your foolishness. Your inability to tell what other people were thinking.

"Ten minutes. Any longer and I'll escort them out myself." He relented. It was almost worth seeing your smile. Almost.

Why?

Because he just couldn't stand that human insisting on touching what wasn't theirs. Using your hand to write down an answer. Leaning over and resting their head on your shoulder to point something out. Hugging you from behind when you got an answer right.

Now that was almost the straw that broke the camel's back. What saved that human was you leaning away and towards Hiei. Saying 'thanks but I only let my close friends hug me.'

By that time, your entire house was unbearably warm. Hiei's anger manifesting through his spirit energy. Increasing the temperature in a way that made it uncomfortable to the other human, but familiar for you. You had been living together for a while now.

"It's getting kind of hot in here, isn't it?" Your classmate asked nervously.

"Not really. It doesn't feel all that different. Anyways, I'm used to heat." You responded, scribbling down another answer.

That's right. You were used to his heat. His habits and his reactions. Your lives were entangled with each other. And no weakling could ever jeopardize that, he was starting to realize.

Not by a longshot if your reaction to getting their number was anything to go by.

"Make sure to call and tell me how you did on your test. Maybe we could go celebrate?" Hands reaching for yours.

"Sorry. I'm not allowed to have phones. I keep breaking them somehow???? I'll just tell you if I see you at school."

You didn't even consider taking them up on their offer. Hell, you didn't even let them grab your hands. Already opening the door for them to leave.

A smug feeling residing in Hiei's being. Looks like he didn't have to worry about you after all. That didn't mean he couldn't feel irritated about someone trying to take his mate.

He stood behind you as you tried to bid your classmate goodbye.

"So, I guess I'll be seeing you." They said hopefully.

You nodded happily without a thought between your eyes. Not noticing the way they subtly started to lean closer.

"Yeah! And thanks again for helping me!"

But Hiei sure as hell noticed. Blood boiling as they tried to cup your face and press their lips to yours. Before you could even tell what was going on, you were behind Hiei in an instant. His sword drawn with the tip pressed against your classmate's throat.

"How about you kiss my blade instead?"

Their eyes widened in fear. An ear shattering scream before you took Hiei's sword and closed the door.

"Hiei! No killing. You know better," you scolded.

Your roommate already halfway down the street still screaming.

"Do you expect me to stand idly by and watch as someone makes a move on my human?" He argued, stepping closer to you.

"They were flirting with me???" You paused and shook your head, as if to rid the thought before continuing.

"I love you. You don't have to worry about me liking someone else. Besides, you scared off the only person who was willing to tutor me."

Hiei rolled his eyes at your response before moving even closer.

"Then have Kurama help you. I don't want another living creature to even think they have a chance at winning your heart." And with that, he leaned up and kissed you. Proving to himself and you that other human didn't matter.

That you really shouldn't give a damn about them because he was right here.

And that maybe, just maybe he was a jealous creature after all.

---------------------------------------

An: Also in honor of the live action. A fic countdown if you will.

[lowkeyrobin]

JJ MAYBANK ; replacement

summary ; the falling out of pogues jj maybank and y/n l/n

warnings ; language, shit talking, fighting, the term girly used to refer to voice

work count ; 1.4k

masterlist

You collect sea shells along the beach while JJ surfs far out in the water. This was your way of bonding with him now that John B and Sarah were gone.

He didn't talk as much to you as he used to, but he still took the time to hang out with you, Kie, and Pope at least. He was just depressed about John B being gone, and you totally understood.

Now, you sit in the sand, enjoying the salty air against your face as you watch JJ wash to the shore again. He picks up his board and unstraps his foot from the little device and walks over to you, hand outstretched to pull you up.

You take his hand with a little smile, the seashells in your pockets clinking and clanking as you walk away from the water.

"John B would've loved those waves"

˚ ｡⋆ 𓇼 ⋆｡ ˚ ˚ ｡⋆ 𓇼 ⋆｡ ˚ ˚ ｡⋆ 𓇼 ⋆｡ ˚ ˚ ｡⋆ 𓇼 ⋆｡ ˚

You sit on a dead tree log next to one of the campfires, located far enough away from the water. Your guitar lays in your arms as you strum the strings, lightly singing along as you play the melody. You make sure to keep your voice deep so you wouldn't have any voice cracks or sound too "girly" around all these people whom you didn't really know or didn't want to know anymore.

Of course, your friends were caught up believing Sarah Cameron and John B were still out there, having been sent texts from random numbers claiming to be them.

You'd never been the type to be fooled easily or quickly trust someone or something, it was no shock you didn't believe them, even after seeing the texts for yourself. You were the only one to not receive a message from them, which was why you were so skeptical. You knew John B knew your number by heart, having to call you over payphones when he got in trouble or lost his phone for the millionth time that day.

JJ was the first to call you a dumbass about it, deadass. The fact that you'd think that the pair were dead before thinking they were okay was insane to him. Then that started an argument, and now you were taking it out on your music while you could see them devising a plan down by the water.

You stand up, whistling along to yourself.

You think about how JJ yelled at you. So much for the best friend title. What a shitshow.

Kie and Pope just sat back and watched, they didn't do a thing.

JJ was known for little outbursts and tantrums, but you'd never seen him so mad. He looked at you like a thousand suns burned in his eyes.

He didn't tower over you physically, but mentally, it felt like it, it sounded like it. You'd never seen him so angry over something so small, which obviously made you fight back about how he needed to calm himself down about it. He just about lost it after that, with Kie and Pope standing off to the side unknowing of what to do as he threw a glass cup at you.

You stared at him with that familiar reminiscence that he for sure felt as well. You were JJ in this universe now, and he played the role of his father.

You jumped and stepped away to avoid the explosion of fragile glass and looked back up at him, your eyes swallowed by fear, pupils dilating. He was silent and still, probably realizing how he'd blown things out of proportion. He wasn't able to say anything or call for you as you ran outside and jumped onto your bicycle, trying to run away as fast as possible, in fear he'd run after you.

In fight or flight, you picked flight, you were outmatched in that case scenario.

Pope ran out after you but was unable to catch up or make you stop with his desperate calls. He stops in his tracks, a few yards away from the front of the house. He watches you travel away, using all the might left in your legs to get away as fast as you could.

You reminisced how close you were with JJ before John B went missing, even before all the treasure shit. You used to go driving around at the dark and enjoy nature and vent to each other before you hurt someone or yourselves. But now, it was like everything you'd built was just... gone.

You stand on the beach, venting out your feelings as you stare daggers into the back of JJ's head, standing down the beach about ten or twenty yards.

"I watched the flames in your eyes burn like hellfire"

You circle around the little bonfire, then move towards the largest one towards all the people, tourists, kooks, and pogues alike.

"The devil walks among us friends, I know this is true"

You notice Kie turn to look at you, happily enjoying yourself with the large crowd of strangers, quietly listening to you out of earshot. She turns back to the two boys, listening as they speak.

"One thing that I know, we need to take a look around. If I were the devil, this world would be my playground"

You strum the strings of your guitar, glancing up at the people singing along and watching and even recording you. You look up, using a slight form of acting to act out your words, furrowing your brows.

"As I place that thorny crown on my furrowed brow, well, I'd shine in all the tears of joy, yelling from the crowd"

You continue, aware of the strangers actually recording you, hoping they wouldn't post you online, although you know they would without your consent. Maybe it was just the fact you were a walking jukebox or your weird accent, but they genuinely seemed to enjoy it. Scarily enough, that included the weirdo Topper, too.

"If I were the devil, this world was mine to see. Well, I'd witness all the atrocities, and it'd probably frighten me" Your voice shakes a bit, looking over to see Pope, Kie, and JJ looking at you, probably listening.

You quickly looked away, not trying to interact.

"So I'd run back home with a story to tell. I'd tell all my demons friends that I always preferred Hell"

They must've heard you with that one. JJ furrows his brows while Kie shows the same, more lighthearted facial expression while Pope looks up at you with a visible apology as he catches your eye. JJ is the first to start making his way towards you as you talk to a group of three Pogues who'd been recording you, who genuinely wanted to share your talent online. They were also trying to use you as a jukebox, which didn't mind, since the Kooks' bluetooth speaker died long ago and music was needed at the moment.

The blonde quickly pulls you around by your shoulder, making you nearly hit him with the neck of your instrument. You jump out of your skin in surprise, then look at him, furrowing your brows.

"Fuck's up your ass? Replacing us already?" He asks in an intimidating tone.

You roll your eyes and turn back to the three pogues, apologizing before dragging him down towards the water for some privacy. Kie and Pope watch in the distance out of earshot, working as your body guards in case a physical fight starts.

"Fuck's up my ass? Are you kidding, JJ? Just leave me alone, okay? You're acting like I dedicated that shit to you, it's a song, get over yourself!"

"Get over myself? Says the one who ran away earlier! John B is alive, we're going to go save him, Y/n."

"Piss off"

You angrily walk back up the sandy beach, returning to the pogues with a smile. "Sorry about that, but what were you saying before we were interrupted?"

JJ looks on in astonishment, Kie and Pope approaching to make sure he was slightly okay after that.

"Fuck them"

˚ ｡⋆ 𓇼 ⋆｡ ˚ ˚ ｡⋆ 𓇼 ⋆｡ ˚ ˚ ｡⋆ 𓇼 ⋆｡ ˚ ˚ ｡⋆ 𓇼 ⋆｡ ˚

"Where's Y/n?" John B asks in concern, gasping for air, looking back up at JJ, Kie, and Pope.

The trio glance at each other awkwardly.

"Long story, we'll tell you later" Kie quickly speaks

"Are they okay? Did something happen?" Sarah asks, voice shaking a bit in worry.

"Oh, no, no, they're fine!" Pope exclaims, raising his hands up a bit as he speaks with body language. "Uh, there was just some... technical difficulties"

JJ scoffs, "Technical difficulties as in they replaced us"

"JJ!" Kie slaps the blonde's arm, eyebrows furrowed.

"I'm speaking the truth, Kie! They replaced us, they're done with us, get it through your head!"

[celestialprincesse]

𝐒𝐚𝐲 𝐆𝐨𝐨𝐝𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐧 𝐆𝐨 - 𝟔

You're not sure whether asking Nikto how he worked out what your favourite foods are is a good idea. Realistically, you know that men in his field are required to be perceptive, to pick out the smallest of details which may be useful later. He's been in your house so many times, in your fridge for a left over slice of pie, or the less that you can barely consider a garage to grab whatever tool he'd needed to fix your wobbly fencepost. On the one hand, his awareness of you, what you like and dislike, is comforting. It feels safe to have someone so constantly tuned in on your frequency. Safe. On the other? Having someone so impossibly attentive to your needs is unsettling. It's been far too long since you've had someone shadowing your day-to-day life - and Nikto is, undeniably, like a shadow.

The picnic is - it's really sweet. Well intentioned. The execution, admittedly is rudimentary, but you're just splitting hairs. A guy set you up a picnic after you practically sucked off his face in your kitchen. You're pretty sure most would've run had they felt the sheer reverence, the need in your kiss. He fixed your fence.

Now you're sat rather awkwardly beside one another, picking at a strange assortment of cheeses and fruits, making stilted conversation as you watch a herd of cows graze a couple of fields down.

"How did you know my fence was broken?" You hum in an absent, obvious attempt to keep the conversation going. Tough considering you barely know anything about Nikto, and yet he seems to know everything about you. Your weak endeavour towards filling the stillness between the two of you obviously doesn't go unnoticed - nor does the way your make an effort to dig deeper and see just how much of you Nikto actually catches.

"You hit it with your car a few weeks ago." He states bluntly, leaving you flushing a beet red. Foolishly, you'd always believed that your sub-par driving skills were just imagined, that no one saw you the way you saw yourself. Clearly, you've been wrong all along.

"You do have your drivers license, yes?" Nikto continues to chide, unable to help the way his blood rushes south when you blush, fluttering your lashes as you avert your gaze to the strawberry you'd been just about to eat. "Mhm." You mumble, trying to feign an indignant look - futile, seeing as he's already caught you in the act of your embarrassment.

"I can help you if you would like." Nikto utters, before he too turns his burning face towards the gingham blanket he'd found whilst trawling the grocery store in the small hours of this morning, trying to be as prepared as possible for your date. He's far too quickly become accustomed to your little quirks and reactions, the way you flinch like a frightened bunny from loud noises, or worry at your lip when you're nervous but still trying to seem nonchalant. You're hardly ever nonchalant about anything. He sees that too. "Is it the car that you struggle with?" He tries, so desperately, to claw himself from the hole he's seemingly fallen into, painfully aware that he's probably coming off as some condescending, patronising prick. He knows you can drive. Kind of. However, the thought of helping you, spending time with you, taking all of the menial tasks of daily life out of your hands, he can't help but to yearn for it. Or maybe it's just you. You're the one thing he finds himself wanting for after a life of solitude. You, your silly little shoes, and strawberry flavoured lips, your bows and pearls. You with a smile so bright it's blinding, and a laugh that could bring the cruelest of men to his knees. You are what he yearns for. The silver lining to the rainclouds which have so long darkened his days. You, you, you.

He doesn't even realise you'd been talking until you stop. Only, of course, to take the next best course of action towards capturing his attention, shuffling towards him until you're sat flush against his side, blinking up at him with a look that clearly suggests that you're asking for permission. The fact that he doesn't get hard right then and there is a miracle - though he's not sure if it's one that'll last. At least, not when you finally work up the guts to crawl up into his lap like a needy cat, searching for attention by any means possible. Last week he was barely refraining from tearing your clothes off and taking you on the counter in your kitchen. This is far more intimate. This is what he wants.

He wants to see the way your cheeks flush pink when his hands slide up your skirt, just enough to brush the calloused pad of his thumb over the delicate lace of your underwear. With bated breath, he wants to watch the way the late afternoon sun turns your hair into a halo of molten metal, cascading from the crown of your head in some glorious inferno.

The little sound of your breath hitching as he noses at your jaw is only the first nail in the cruelest of coffins, burying him alive under the crushing weight of his adoration for you. This, he thinks, this is what he's waited for. This is both his reward, and his punishment for the toil of his career, of his life. His reward, you, so sweet and soft in his lap, pliable as gold, glittering as the brightest of precious stones. Breaking you, breaking your pretty, trusting heart, is entirely out of the question. He'd rather shoot himself in the kneecaps. Walk headfirst into enemy territory and beg to be tortured. Step on a landmine. Any and all of it would be better than seeing you hurt.

Whilst he can't find the words for the way he adored you, he can most definitely find the actions.

Nothing, no man, has ever made you feel the way you do as Nikto eases you to lie back on the picnic blanket, hooking your knees over his shoulders. A kiss to your inner thigh. "I hope you don't mind people hearing, Princess. I intend to make you scream."

[ohitsjustgen]

Bakugo x Soft Reader

_______________________________________________________

Fluff, fluff and more fluff and maybe a bit of insecurity?

_______________________________________________________

It was the weekend and you came to visit bakugo. You walked up to the front door and began to ring the doorbell. Knowing that he was probably in the middle of training you ring it continuously.

Since bakugo's parents were out of town for a business trip you wanted to check up on him..just to make sure he was ok..and to make sure he didn't burn the house down some how.

Bakugo, who was still training hears the doorbell and huffs to the door to answer feeling a little agitated. "Who is i- oh it's you" he says calming down his anger a bit. He makes a 'Tch' sound with his mouth after a long silence.

"Is right now a bad time? I mean I can come back some other day if you're busy." Trailing off on the last part of your sentence you look down at your feet, slightly intimidated by the man's presence.

Somehow your shy, quiet personality and bakugo's angered, loud, personality collided to build a relationship. Who would've known?

With his red irises examining your facial features he sighs deeply. He moves aside and crosses his arms. "Nope, it's alright you can stay. I was training for the exam coming up next week but I'm a little tired anyway." He says uncrossing one of his arms to rub the back of his neck.

Not wanting to be too hopeful you look up at him making sure it was really ok. "Are you really sure? Like I really don't want to bother."

The blonde haired boys face changed a bit and the annoyance started to become obvious in his tone as he answered in a cold manner. "Yes I'm goddamn sure hurry before I change my mind"  He says letting another "Tch" leave his mouth before turning around and entering the house. You, not to far behind him, follow like a lost puppy begging for food.

"Why exactly did you come here dumbass? He asks coldly. He walks into the kitchen and opens the modern fridge to pull out a bottle of water.

"Well, I just thought maybe we can hangout? We haven't done anything together since we've been official" You state sitting onto a barstool at the island his kitchen equipped.

He pops open the bottle and takes a swig letting the cold liquid slide down his throat. All you see from your position is his adams apple bobbing up and down with each swallow.

When he's finished he twists the cap back on and looks at you with his ruby red eyes. You can tell he's thinking about something..but what?

"Fine" he finally says "But only for a short while ok? I don't want you to think I need you or something understood?"

You vigorously shake your head in agreement. Once again the 'Tch' sound was made before he starts to think for a moment. Once he's done he speaks but this time in a less irritated tone. "Let's go to my room to talk I guess"

"Ok!" You say hopping off the stool. You follow behind the blond boy letting your eyes examine everything you pass. "Your house is nice bakugo" you say trying to soften the mood a bit. The angered boy doesn't respond though he just huffs at the compliment. Before long he feels bad for not responding "Thanks I guess." It was more of a mumble but you could care less. He accepted the compliment and that's all that mattered.

Once you eventually made it to bakugo's room you couldn't help but to look around. It's a pretty nice room with lots of various things in it, mostly his hero equipment and stuff he uses for training. Although it is a bit messy. 

"Sit" he says pointing to his desk littered with notes and books. You do as you're told and sit at the desk. He does the same action and sits on the edge of his bed.

"..."

"...."

Honestly, the atmosphere was so thick you could cut it with a knife. So of course you would try to make small talk.

"Your posters are cool" you say pointing at them. One was a poster of All Might and the other was of A hero agency you didn't quite recognize.

He grunts at your compliment.

Seconds go by but with how thick this atmosphere was it felt more like hours.

"Ugh what's the point, I'm sorry for coming I'll just see myself out" you say attempting to exit the room.

Bakugo quickly gets up from the bed and grabs your arm to prevent you from leaving him..from exiting his life. He looks at you with..guilt in his eyes? He huffed and closed his eyes, releasing your wrist from his veiny hand.

"Look just because I don't want you to think I'm needy or whatever don't mean I don't want you..here with me." The blonde strokes his arm feeling bad about the situation. He sits back down on the bed and pats his lap. You comply and sit onto his lap. Looking into your (e/c/e) he speaks again saying; "I'm sorry if I act a bit cold sometimes, I'm trying I really am. I do like it when you come to visit sometimes." knowing him personally you know that when he looked away he felt slightly embarrassed.

"Really?" You ask looking up at him with doe eyes.

"I may be too prideful to say it out loud but..yea"

Hearing this you hug him tight but gentle as he whispers out the words

"I love you Y/N"

As he hugs back just as tight you whisper it back

"I love you more Katsuki"

A/N: So cute 🥹 maybe a bit of character development is in place?

[petalsofyouth]

limerence; and it goes both ways | ran haitani x reader

tw: unestablished relationship, smoking, mentions of usage of weed, sexual activity (it's not really detailed, but it is, haha) /i think that's it, but i probably missed something as i usually do, so please do tell me if you think i forgot something/

wc: 28 128

author's note: ran was supposed to be extremely toxic in this, but he isn't. we'll meet the version of ran i initially intend in another story. oh, and they all are in universities, so it's uni au, no usual gangs activities.

i.

Aoki Ogura is perfect, or so Ran thinks.

She says her first name is spelled with kanji that mean 'a little love,' and her last name means 'tiny' and 'blue.' She giggles as she says it, staring with her beautiful eyes at Ran. She might like him, and he might like her too.

Or even more.

Ran thinks he is in love with the girl in front of him, and it doesn't really matter that he has only seen her twice in his life: once when Rindou was picking him up from rehearsals for dinner and Ran happened to tag along, and today, for the second time, at someone's party in Kamakura.

He doesn't dare to say it aloud yet, but he already calls it fate. Ran is quick to assume.

He chats up this pretty, perfect girl, leaning down to her so she can hear him over 'Cherry Girl' by Black Cherry, which is playing too loudly for Ran's taste. But today he won't complain and whine about it as he usually would've, because this works exactly in his favor, creating the much-desired proximity between his body and Aoki's. They are really really close.

Her body is nice too. She's wearing a white summer dress that hugs her shoulders and waist so tightly that Ran doesn't need much imagination to have her undressed before him. Besides, he knows that Aoki is a dance major. A nice body is a given. He has hooked up with girls from the dance department before. He has never been disappointed once.

Right now, though, he feels like the happiest person at this party in the house that is too small for so many people. His chest is burning, and a smile blooms by itself. Aoki is telling him about her white cat, and Ran, who has never before been very enthusiastic about animals, nods at her, agreeing that cats are the best pets to have.

By the end of their conversation, Ran forgets that he always wanted to have a dog and that his favorite color was never blue, but white and purple.

ii.

Rindou doesn't share his brother's enthusiasm about Aoki.

He doesn't think she's cute, beautiful, or even talented. He has spoken to her before numerous times, and the only thing he remembers is the deep irritation he felt as she spoke in that high-pitched voice of hers that every J-idol claims to have. If she weren't your friend - of a sort - he would never entertain her with his company.

But you are classmates, and you are Rindou's best friend, and he loves you too much to ruin your somewhat good relationship with Aoki.

So when he spots his brother's face with the softest expression he has ever had while he talks to Aoki, Rindou is beyond disgusted. Blame it on alcohol or real physical disturbance from the unfolding scene, but Rindou gets nauseous and, closing his mouth with his hand, retreats to the back of the house in the direction of the beach. All the toilets are occupied anyway.

It's not long after he is done, and the rusty taste fills his mouth, that you appear with a bottle of sparkling water and mints in the pocket of your leather pants. He can see the outline of the box there, and he shoots you a half-smile, knowing well that you stole those from the cupboard in the hall of Ryou's house.

"Are you good?" you ask, squatting down near him. You pass him a bottle of water and watch him as he drinks it to the end.

"Yeah. I am okay," he hums appreciatively and takes a candy from the box. They aren't minty. They are strawberry flavoured. He likes these. "Thank you. You are a real-life angel."

You don't reply. Just nod at him and peer in front of you at the vast darkness where the sea and the sky are one black hole; your eyes are the same.

The music from the house is distant, and it feels as if you and Rindou are somewhere far away from this place, only the two of you in your own little world where no one and nothing can touch you. However, this is not true, and Ran is the one to prove it. If there's someone more worthy of this role for shattering illusions than Ran, Rindou doesn't know them yet.

"I've told you not to mix weed and alcohol," Ran sighs, standing behind you both. He doesn't sit down or come closer, and yet his presence is suffocating.

You turn your head, disappointment written all over your face, and Rindou wonders why it is that you are disappointed. Is it because instead of words of consolation, Ran is quick to assume? Or maybe because you just don't want him here? Or perhaps it's for your own reason that you hide deep in your chest, unknown to him?

You and Ran aren't really friends, but you aren't on bad terms either, nor could your relationship be called neutral. It is whatever it is - the mess, the chaos, and the calm understanding.

"We weren't smoking, Ran." Your lower lip quivers, and your eyes are squinted. Finally, you are disgusted with him, but out of habit, you call him by his name. There's something Rindou knows you won't admit, but you like Ran's name a lot. Otherwise, why would you say it so often? "Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be entertaining your bimbos?"

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be with your red-haired celebrity?" Ran shoots back, taking a step closer in your direction, and if he wants to be intimidating, it doesn't work on you.

"First of all, Haru's hair is pink. Secondly, he isn't even here. And lastly, are you colourblind, by any chance, Ran? That would explain this atrocious outfit…"

The sentence is never finished because Ran yanks you by the elbow and pinches your arm. Hard. You yelp and barely stand on your wobbly legs that hurt from squatting for too long. Ran steadies you, helping you not to fall down on your ass as he holds each of your arms in his hands. Your eyes meet. Yours furious and his calm but curious.

You open your mouth to say something, probably unpleasant, but Rindou cuts in. "Stop pinching her."

"Okay. I am sorry." Ran still holds you by your arms, his hands warming your cold skin where he touches you. When you scoff and attempt to break free, he doesn't let go. He tugs you closer. "I really am. See."

Fatigue from emptying his stomach only a few minutes earlier returns when Rindou stands up. His vision goes blurry for a second. The world spins around him, and the music and you and Ran are a beautiful smudged carousel. He grounds himself, breathing in and out. In and out. More than anything, he doesn't want to puke again.

But when the world clears, and he sees Ran rubbing soothing gentle circles on the place on your arm where he pinched you, he wishes he puked. It's even worse looking at him being tender with you than dumbstruck by Aoki. With you, it's gut-wrenching.

"You know, Ran, I prefer it more when you are rude to me than whatever this was," you exclaim, but if you were angry before, you aren't now. You break free from him and come to Rindou's side. You take a good look at his face and cupping it, brush long blonde hair away from his eyes, spreading them all the way to the back of his head. "Do you want to go eat something? Maybe ramen? Hm? No. Actually, you should eat ochazuke now, and then we'll get you that vitamin thing from 7-Eleven. Okay? So you won't have a hangover tomorrow."

Rindou is not that drunk. He only had two cans of beer and a shot of vodka. But he doesn't argue with you. After all, he is used to you babying him from time to time. He hated it at first, but hate is nothing more than love that you can't untangle just yet. He nods at you and steals a box of strawberry candies from your pocket, popping one into his mouth. They are indeed nice.

As you leave the party, your arms linked, Ran follows behind you both. He wasn't invited to your little late dinner or early breakfast, but he assumes he is coming because he is the one with the car.

Well, if anything, Ran is quick to assume. iii.

Inside the diner, it's warm, and the air is rich with the smell of delicious food.

You sit beside Rindou on red cushions and watch him eat ochazuke with unagi and nori. Ran is sitting across from you, his plate of shoyu ramen untouched. He's waiting for it to cool down a bit. He claims that hot food never sits well in his stomach. For one reason or another, you don't believe it's true; it's probably another white lie.

In your opinion, Ran is woven with lies—innocent and not. As long as those lies don't harm you, you're fine with them.

The diner you're in is the usual one you always stop by after Ryou's parties. It's small, cheap, and the food is always fresh and tasty. It's in Kanagawa, near Shirahataike Park. If Ran weren't with you and Rindou didn't throw up earlier, you would've asked Rindou to go there and lie down on the grass near the pond, maybe smoke one or two of your specially reserved "Seven Stars" until dawn found you there and it got too cold. He, of course, would have agreed. He always does. It's more of a habit now. A little custom that's only yours.

Out of the blue, Ran asks, "On what days does the dance department practice?"

With a spoon between your lips, you frown. You shoot a quick glance at Rindou and catch how quickly his eyes harden, his mouth becoming a thin line. Oh, so Rindou knows the reason for the question, and while you might not, you have your suspicions.

"So? Who's your next victim, Ran?" you ask and put the spoon down in the bowl with the thick brown broth. You and Ran ordered the same.

"Why victim?" His eyes widen in surprise, and he looks quite comical.

You tilt your head to the side and laugh. Rindou near you is smiling too, but for a different reason than you suppose. "Just tell me who you want to hook up with, and maybe I'll give you her number."

"Actually, you know what? I can just ask myself."

"You sure can," you reply, shrugging your shoulders and in the next minute, you forget all about Ran's question as you turn to Rindou and ask him if he finished that music assignment he was working on. You say that today you talked to Ryou, and he had almost finished his.

The conversation between you and Rindou flows as effortlessly as ever. You discuss your classes, assignments, and even gossip about your mutual friends and people you don't even know the names of. You laugh a lot, and a couple of times, you get too serious, needing a pause before picking up the conversation again. You enjoy these two hours spent at the diner more than you enjoyed the party itself.

When the sky is flushed with pink and blue, you decide to call it a night. Rindou excuses himself to the restroom, and you find yourself with Ran standing on the porch of the ramen shop. It's raining a little, but the air is fresh, smelling of grass and soil. It smells like new beginnings and the meaning of life. You catch yourself thinking that for the first time in a long while, you're truly happy.

Sometimes, life is worth it all.

"Do you like the color blue?"

"What?" You stop swaying on your tiptoes and tuck your hands into the pockets of your jacket. It's mid-April, but still a bit chilly. "Do I like the color blue?"

"Yeah. Do you?"

"Depends on the shade of blue. It can be the happiest or the saddest color in the world. I need to know which shade of blue you mean, Ran." You contemplate it for a moment and then shake your head, quickly adding, "No. I don't think I actually like any color at all. Maybe just white and black."

"Aren't those two colors too?"

Your lips curve into a smile, and you look down at your tabi boots, thrifted from a vintage shop in Nakano. The shop owner told you, it once was his wife’s boots and she got them in Belgium in 1994. It was her favourite pair of shoes, but she died recently and he can’t bring himself to keep them around. He said that he wanted these stupid tabi boots to continue living on and bring happiness to other people even if his own wife was beyond the point of any human emotion.

"No, they aren't, really," you whisper, more to yourself than to Ran. "It's the absence of color that I like. It's like none of them exist."

The rain continues to pour until the afternoon, and then it suddenly stops, as if it was never there.

iv.

Ran had never longed for a girl before.

The feeling is new, and it is unpleasant. He doesn't understand why he keeps thinking about her and why he wants to hear her voice again. The fact that he couldn't remember what they were talking about at the party doesn't matter. Ran never remembers conversations he had with girls. He only remembers Aoki's plump, pink lips and her sweet, pretty eyes.

He needs to see her now. Today.

But unfortunately for him, he doesn't study at your university, and tagging along with Rindou to pick you up after your classes might be suspicious. Besides, Aoki might not even be there.

He doesn't want to ask you about Aoki either. It's stupid, really. He has asked you about multiple girls from your class before, but right now, he feels that asking about precious Aoki might spoil everything. Ran wants everything to be perfect because he thinks he was in love.

Having you as a connection to Aoki is like having no connection at all.

So, he tries the only remedy he knows—sex. And when that only blows off steam for a couple of days, a week at best, he does something he has never done before: he studies.

That's how you found him one day as you stop by their apartment to pick Rindou up so you can have your lunch together. Ran guesses he looks ridiculous in his grey sweatpants and old, loose T-shirt, surrounded by piles of books and handouts. Otherwise, why would you smile at him?

"Didn't know you were such a fan of studying, Ran," you say, dragging his name out and he rolls his eyes at you. If you want to mock him, you need to try harder. "Why don't you join us for lunch? Have you eaten already?"

"Not interested," he replies, not tearing his eyes away from the handouts with case-study before him.

"Oh, really? Too bad. I thought you might want to see Aoki Ogura again."

As Ran lifts his eyes to take a look at your face, to see if you were being serious or messing with him, you aren't there anymore. He catches a glimpse of your back disappearing through Rindou's door and hears his brother cursing at you for scaring him.

You close the door as you get in.

v.

Of course, Ran tails for the lunch with you, and of course, it annoys Rindou.

It's not that he doesn't enjoy hanging out with his brother—he pretty much does, and yet, he prefers having his own circle of friends to himself. You and Haruchiyo were his sacred zone. Only his to enjoy and spend time together with.

With Ran and Aiko and Aiko’s new boyfriend Takeshi, lunch gets awkward. Not because Ran is upset or mad or anything of the sort, but because Aoki gets flustered when she sees Ran and despite bragging to you before that she is so in love with Takeshi - you have told that to Rindou over another lunch on another Sunday - she sits between you and Haruchiyo, leaving Rindou to sit next to her stupid boyfriend.

"How did you two get together?" Ran asks Aoki, his voice dripping with sweetness. He chews on a yellow plastic straw that smells of fresh orange juice. "The last time we saw each other, you were single, or am I wrong?"

Aoki giggles, and her doll-like face turns pink. "We met at the party a week after Ryou's. I thought you would have come. That's why I went."

"Me?" Ran raises his eyebrows and takes a big sip of juice from the glass, ignoring the forgotten straw on the marble table. "Why would I?"

"Probably because I was invited, but I didn't end up going. I heard that party was a huge flop. What happened?" Already tired of the meaningless and obviously flirtatious exchange, Rindou cuts in, shifting Aoki's attention from Ran to him.

The girl sighs and, before replying, cuts a small piece of her vanilla cheesecake and puts it in her mouth, chewing. Pretentious little bitch. "You probably don't know them, but Shota from the second-year oil painting class got into a fight with Rintaro from the first-year dance class. They say Shota's girl cheated on him. Wasn't much of a fight, though."

"Bullshit. I know Rintaro pretty well, and he never laid a finger on that girl."

"Oh, really? I heard they made a tape with her."

"Like a sex tape?"

"Yes. I haven't seen it, but they say it was..."

"Cut the bullshit, Ogura." Haruchiyo is too loud as he defends his friend for the second time. A couple seated nearby turns their heads toward your table, intrigued by the sudden commotion. "It wasn't him in the video."

"You talk like you're familiar with his dick," the smirk on Takeshi’s full lips is not meant to be perceived as a mocking one, Rindou really wants to think it’s not, but before he or either anyone else reacts, you laugh and your laugh is cruel and cold.

"If Haru says it wasn't Rintaro, then it wasn't Rintaro. Why the dick comment?"

"Just joking. Right, baby?" Takeshi shoots a toothy smile at Aoki, who sheepishly nods. Rindou wishes you hadn't invited her to lunch. It should've been just you, him, and Haruchiyo. "But I still find it strange that he's so sure it wasn't him in the video. It was just a guy's dick sliding in and out."

"I've never seen the video."

"So you believe whatever he says?" “Oh, God. It’s annoying.” You whine. You lick your lips and stare straight at Takeshi who is right in front of you. Your eyes are black and endless, bottomless, reminiscent of that party where Rindou threw up, where Ran saw Aoki for the second time, and where this mess began. “So, say, your friend comes to you and says he didn’t do it, but everyone else says he did it. Who do you believe? Your friend or them?

Takeshi doesn't hesitate in his response. "A lot of people can't be wrong, right?"

A small little cloud of air escapes your mouth, and your body that has been strained like a tightrope, is now limp in the chair. You look tired. Rindou wants to ask if you're okay, but he refrains. Besides, you start speaking again, this time not looking at Takeshi but at the blue summer sky above you. "Nah. I think they can be wrong. If Rindou or Haru tell me they didn't do it, that's all I need to know. No one can convince me they did it if they say they didn't. So if Haru says it wasn't Rintaro, then it wasn't fucking Rintaro in the video."

For the rest of the lunch, you don't speak much, and Rindou is concerned. He doesn't like it when you get quiet, as it usually means you're sad. More than anything in this world, Rindou hates it when you crawl inside the small room in your heart and lock the door from the inside. It’s the one place he can never reach.

He will never be there for you. Sure, you love each other, but there are places in you that he won’t ever have an access to. He is not the only one who notices the change in your mood. There’s Haruchiyo who brings you into conversation every chance he gets and smiles at you so brightly you totally find it annoying and then there’s Ran, who hasn't taken his eyes off you, since your little quarrel with Takeshi. It's a Ran, Rindou has never seen before - calm, defenceless, and so very curious. He too isn’t participating in the conversation as much as he was before. Only occasionally when he is directly addressed to would he say something, but other than that he remains silent, vigilant over you. It's as if he's afraid that if he looks away, even for a second, you might slip away from him. The sun is close enough to jump behind the horizon to wake up another part of the world when you stand up from the table. The chair screeches against the pavement as you drag it. The sound is jarring, but the entire street is bathed in gentle golden glow, and to Rindou, you look the most beautiful in this moment, even with sadness resting inside you.

"I think I'll head out. I wanted to practice for the showcase," you say, picking up your bag from the floor. Before Rindou or Haruchiyo can say anything, you wave at them. "No need to walk with me. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

Neither of them protests. Both know it won't lead to anything. They give you space when you need it. Around midnight both of them will call you anyway to check if you are still at the campus studio, and if you are, they'll come to pick you up and take you home.  They'll both call you around midnight to check if you're still at the campus studio, and if you are, they'll come to pick you up and take you home.

So you bid everyone farewell, leave money on the table, and head on your way.

As Rindou watches you walk down the street, he wishes he could fall in love with you and you with him. Then, everything would be simple, and you wouldn't be sad, and tears wouldn't mar your pretty face.

But this dream will remain just that—a dream, a mere thought in his mind that will never fully bloom.

His little sacred wish.

vi.

No one is at the university, and it's not surprising. It's Sunday, and it's almost summer. Everyone has better things to do.

Even you. You could have stayed with your friends and then invited yourself over to Haru's place and watched a movie with him or maybe read a book in solemn silence, eating homemade sandwiches without cheese. There is never any cheese at his house since he is intolerant, but it doesn't bother you. Not even a little.

Or, you could have gone with Rindou to the cinema and stayed over at his apartment. He would let you take his bed and then complain about a backache the next morning. He'd promise to make Ran buy a more comfortable couch, but the next time you'll visit, it will still be that white sofa they bought at a discount from some local shop in Roppongi. You'll point it out - you always do - and Rindou will say that it's actually quite okay and he just wanted to get your attention. You'll pinch him then.

And, of course, the three of you could've crashed at your place or gone together to the studio where you would've taught them some choreography. Haruchiyo would give up first; he is really stiff when it comes to dancing. But Rindou would surprisingly be good, and you would praise him, making him really happy about it.

But you made your choice, and now you are all alone in the studio, and the sun has already set. You dwell a little bit on what made you so upset earlier, but these thoughts - ugly worms - crack open old, forgotten scars, and they bleed. You don't know how to stop them, so you blast music at full volume and dance.

Dance is your sanity, your method of salvation, and your coping strategy. You dance and dance, and you don't stop until it hurts to breathe, and only then do you collapse onto the floor. The hundreds of you in the ceiling-to-floor mirrors do the same. They smile at you and they were smiling as you were dancing, and you suppose you did too, but unfortunately you can’t remember it, and therefore, it never happened.

The door cracks open while you're lying on the floor. You don't turn around to see who it is. Somehow, you know it's him.

It's Ran.

"Is purin daifuku your favorite, or did I mess up, and you won't let me stay?"

Food as a bargain is a bit outdated. For Ran it’s even quite a bit lame. You don't buy it, not for a single second. Because Ran himself is a white lie, a spider web of confusion [in which he pulls you in].

The heavy iron door doesn't make a sound as he shuts it behind him, and you gently close your eyes. Your eyelids fall as they would if you had fallen asleep in your tiny rented apartment in Nippori. It's an act of surrender, almost as if you're giving him the reins, but you doubt he understands it, and so it's alright.

The bags in his hands rustle, and you catch a slight smell of tuna. What has he brought? And why? The second question is the most important, so that's what you ask.

"What do you want? Aoki won't come today or ever. She doesn't practice much."

"Who said I came for her?" Ran counters, and you hear him settling down next to you. You hear the bag being ripped open and try to predict his moves. It's a silly game, but you let yourself indulge in it. You imagine him taking out the food and sitting in a lotus pose to your left. Does he glance at you? Only briefly. There's nothing new or exciting for him to see.

You'll never know if you're right in your guessing game, and you're not very interested. There's no prize to it, anyway.

"You didn't?"

"No. I came to see you."

You sigh, and his indirect lie makes you take a deep breath before opening your eyes and rolling your head to the side, so you can have a good look at him. "Don't lie to me, Ran. There's no point. Just tell me what you want."

He stops whatever he was doing, and his face, so uncharacteristically gentle in this moment, shows surprise. "What would I want from you? There's literally nothing I need from you. I just came here to see you. That's all."

His words are both hurtful and pleasant. Ran Haitani is a duality of a man. He is both white and black. The absence and richness in one body.

You sigh again, this time more disappointed, and leaning your body on your palms, you sit in the same pose as Ran. He still looks at you, his gaze unwavering and searching. A question seems to be on the tip of his tongue, but his lips pressed into a thin line keep it at bay. Only when you look down, your mouth falling open, your eyes widening in awe, does he continue the task of taking the food out of the bag.

"You clearly want something. It's my favorite food. Everything here is what I like."

"So you do like purin daifuku?"

"I do." You nod, reaching out for the bag of caramel corn chips. The flavour is almond caramel, your favourite. "Did Rindou tell you to come here?"

"No. He doesn't even know I came to see you. He's staying over at Akashi's today." He takes out a pair of wooden chopsticks and shoves them your way. A plate of the finest sashimi sits between the two of you. "Stop acting like that. You make me regret coming here. Doesn't my brother spoil you?"

"It's Rindou. Of course, he does." You fall silent as you break the glued-together chopsticks into two pieces. Ran does the same. "It's just different when you do it. Until last year, I thought you didn't even know my name."

"You're being stupid, you know? Of course, I always knew your name." He shakes his head and laughs, and the insult he directed at you a moment ago doesn't feel like an insult at all. Just a little teasing, nothing more. And that’s why you don’t bite back.

Silence envelops you as you eat. No one comes to the studio, and you hear nothing other than the sound of you and Ran chewing. He doesn't speak much, only praising the food he brought and mentioning that he got the sashimi from his favourite restaurant in Roppongi. He promises to tell Rindou to take you there, and he promises to come along. You tell him that you hope he's good with promises because the sashimi is really good, and you wouldn't mind having it again.

But when, after some time, you ask him again why he's here, he merely hums and ignores the question.

"Aoki asked me about you a few weeks ago. We don't share many classes, and we aren't friends, but she knows Rindou is my best friend. So she asked me about you when she saw me." It's another silly guessing game. This time, you try to pinpoint the reason for him being there with you, and if it's not about Aoki, then you're lost. Gladly, there won't be any retributions; just as there won't be any prizes. "She told me she spoke to you at Ryou's party and that she thought you might have liked her, so she asked me to link you two because she liked you too. I told her she should come for lunch with us. She never mentioned she had a boyfriend, though. And then..."

"I liked what you said to him back at the cafe."

"Didn't you hear what I just said, Ran?"

"I did. Did you hear what I said?" On his lips is a playful smile, but his eyes are relaxed and drowsy, and he is looking at you as if seeing you for the very first time. It might be it, but you won’t ask why he saw you only now and he won’t ever say it.

"Yeah, I did. We need to clean everything up here and get going. It's probably around ten now."

He agrees, and together you collect the trash and leftover food. The unfinished snacks and greasy chopsticks go into the paper bag with the restaurant's name on it. For some reason, you fixate on it, trying to commit the name to memory, repeating it over and over in your head.

Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi.

Retreating into your thoughts won't help you, just as it never had before, and certainly not now, not with Ran, who can access every sacred part of you.

You can't hide from him. He'll find you.

"Can I come to your place? I don't want to go home to an empty apartment just yet. It's completely fine if you say no. I'll understand."

"Don't be silly, Ran. Why not? I'd be bored at home alone too."

You're always before him.

vii.

It's his first time in your apartment, yet it feels like he's been here before.

Even though he knows very well that he hasn't.

There's no recollection of your old worn-out black leather couch, mahogany table, or the floor-to-ceiling bookshelf that stands half-empty, most of the books lying on the floor near it instead of being placed on the shelves. He can't remember the two bar stools near the kitchen island, and he definitely shouldn't recognise your bedroom, the only separate room in your apartment.

And yet, he does.

The sound of water splashing across the tiles doesn't drown out your singing, and as Ran traces his fingers across every single object in your house, he listens to your voice, which somehow feels familiar to him too. Maybe it's what they call deja-vu, or perhaps it's a sense of belonging. It's peculiar and it's strange, and too difficult for him to comprehend, so he locks it in the back of his mind.

While waiting for you to come out from the shower, he occupies himself with a book that was lying on the kitchen island. It has a bookmark inside - a polaroid picture of his brother's smiling face. Rindou is being hugged from behind by you, your body looming over him. Your head is tilted down, so he can't make out your expression, but he has a hunch you were both smiling. You always smile around Rindou.

Ran has always wondered why the two of you aren't dating. He asks you just that as you're making cherry tea for both of you in the kitchen.

Before answering, you roll your eyes at him. "We don't see each other in that way. I mean… No. I can imagine dating him, but I don't see it leading us anywhere. I love Rindou too much to risk losing him, and I don't really love him in that romantic way. You know what I mean."

Love is a foreign concept to Ran, and even now that he thinks he might be in love with Aoki, he doesn't believe he understands what you mean. To him, love is love. It either exists in you or it doesn’t. You either feel it for someone or you don't. With all these ways and methods, you're just overcomplicating something that shouldn't be difficult in the first place. "What about Haru then?"

"Haru?" You place a white mug with tea in front of him. It smells really good - sweet and pleasant, somehow just like you. "We kissed once, but we were really drunk, and it was a bet. It didn't feel like anything. I doubt Haru even remembers it."

"Have you kissed Rindou then too?"

"No." As if deeply offended, you frown at Ran, then hop onto a bar stool and look to your right at the dark window, its reflection showing the compact room you're in. He might be imagining things, but he swears you're looking at him through the reflection. "I would never. Anyway, don't you want to know what else Aoki said to me about you?"

Ran licks his lips, not responding immediately. He watches you, observing your gaze fixed on the room's reflection, and takes a sip of the tea. The tea is hot and a big gulp he takes burns his throat. "This tea is delicious. Where did you get it from?" When you turn your head, and he meets your eyes - empty, sad, and meaningful - it startles him. He adds, "No, I don't want to talk about her at all."

"I'm sorry. I thought you might want to know what else she said to me." You tilt your head, offering him a smile. In this moment, you remind him of something he once lost. It's a huge relief knowing he won't ever need to search for it again. "You can stay the night if you want. You look really sleepy, Ran. It probably won't be safe for you to drive."

"Can I take a shower then?"

"Yes, and I probably have some of Rindou's sweats lying around. You can sleep in them if you'd like."

Ran chuckles, standing up. The tea is nearly finished, and his throat, still tingling from the burn, makes him aware of its warmth. "Do you have a lot of Rindou's clothes here?"

"A couple of sweatpants, t-shirts, and his contact lenses."

He nods, more to himself than to you, making a mental note  to ask his brother why he doesn't date you.

You seem like a really nice girl.

The sky is black when Ran wakes up in your bed, his arms and legs tangled in your sheets. Your scent, sweet and fresh, envelops him, and he takes a deep breath, letting the air stay in his lungs for as long as he can. He prefers his own bed with its silky appearance and soft mattress, but yours isn’t half as bad. He doesn’t regret staying.

You aren't beside him as you promised you'd be in a few hours after reading your book. You said you didn't mind sharing the same bed. You said you and Rindou always shared the bed when necessary.

You said, you said, you said.

To him, it doesn't matter much where you'd sleep – in your bed or on that monstrosity of a sofa. What matters, and stings, is that you said you would come, and you still aren't here. His eyes barely open as he shifts and turns to the right, spotting a small patch of light coming from the living room [which isn't just a living room but also a kitchen and a hallway].

Peeling the creamy comforter off himself, Ran yawns and gets up. His body, still warm from sleep, stiffens immediately when met with the cool air. The window in the room is open, and he swears under his breath, not recalling whether it was him who didn't close it or you who opened it after he fell asleep.

His feet on the wooden floor, he takes one step and then another, and soon you are before him. You stir a bit, as if annoyed by his presence, your fingers clutching the book tighter as if afraid it might be snatched away from you. Your sudden hostility doesn't deter him, and he rubs his eyes as he mumbles, his voice deep and groggy, "What time is it?"

The night is deep and dark when he notices your glossy eyes and wet cheeks. The reflection on the window, one he got used to, isn't there anymore. Only an eternal void, an absence of everything. You once told him you like black and white because they aren't really colours, because it was like they don’t even exist. He didn't retort back then, but now he knows better than that.

Black and white are the brightest, and you exist in them.

"What's wrong?" Ran suppresses another yawn. Sleep still lingers on the tip of his tongue, in the corners of his mind.

As expected, you don't say anything. You're like a statue of melted ugly wax, yet to Ran, you're incredibly beautiful.

He needs to know what upset you. [So it won’t ever again].

"Is the book sad?" he asks, sitting on the floor next to your bare legs.

"No, it's not," you whisper, closing your eyes. More tears escape, and Ran catches them with his outstretched palm. Your quivering lips and salty cheeks make you look too innocent between his hands. "I think I made it sad."

"You made it sad? How?"

"Because it's a nice book about people living their lives and being happy. But all I could think about was how mundane and ordinary it was, and I couldn't understand why they were so happy. Then I thought that I, too, lead the same life. It's a never-ending cycle of the same things." A sob tears away from your chest and comes alive. Ran's heart breaks a little. He doesn't know why. He doesn't have time to ponder why. "Ran. Am I thinking too much into it?"

"I don't think so. No." He shakes his head and, with the last wipe of his fingers across your cheeks, stands up. "Not really. But I don't think your life is all that ordinary."

"You don't think so?" You sound expectant and hopeful. His heart cracks a bit more.

"I don't think so." Gently, he takes the book from you and slips his hand into yours. Your hand is cold. "You're studying to be a professional dancer, Rin is your best friend, and that 'red guy' is almost a celebrity. And now you're going to sleep in the same bed with your best friend's brother. Now, tell me, how is this an ordinary life?"

This makes you laugh. The ice is melting, and the darkness recedes.

Soon, it will be dawn.

He helps you stand up, holding you by your hands, and together you return to the bedroom. He lets you take the side of the bed closest to the wall. You hesitate for a moment, but then you slip under the creamy blanket, your head and body disappearing beneath it. Now it's his turn to laugh. You remind him of Rindou. He used to do the same thing when he was little, back when they were poor and lived in their old apartment, sharing a bed because that and the broken table was all they had.

The memory itself isn't bad, but it's sad, and the nostalgia it carries isn't to Ran's taste. Your sheets still hold his warmth, providing a welcoming feeling. He tugs at the comforter and lifts it off you. "Don't hide. Wanna see you."

"Do you often sleep with girls?" Your cheeks are tear stained and they shine under the forgotten light of the lamp still on in the living room.

Ran turns, lying on his side to face you. Your hot breath grazes his mouth, carrying scents of cherry tea and summer and something salty. "Are you asking about sleeping as in sex, or sleeping as in just sharing a bed?"

"Sleeping as in just sharing a bed. Like what we're doing now."

He doesn't notice you reaching out to undo his braids and when he finally does, he stops breathing, taken aback by the unexpected yet pleasant sensation. He lets you continue, because, contrary to what he might expect, it feels good – almost caring – like someone finally cared enough to untie his long hair so his head wouldn't hurt in the morning.

"You'll be the first," he breathes out, his eyes half-closed as he watches your fingers dance through his hair. If not for the complete silence that reigns in your apartment, you probably wouldn't hear his words at all.

But he's mistaken, and you prove him wrong. "In moments like this, doesn't it feel like we're the only people in the world? Like it's just us and this apartment, and nothing more?"

"It does." He easily agrees.

You hum in response and he can sense that you are far far away from him, already hopping on to your next thought, pondering over something that he doesn’t understand or maybe doesn’t want to. He wants to bring you back to him, so he nuzzles into the crook of your neck, his nose grazing your sensitive skin, and your goosebumps become his. He smiles, leaving traces of his happiness – ordinary or not – on you, and you return to the real world, freed from the constraints of your mind.

"Good night, Ran. I'll make us breakfast in the morning."

"And I'll take you out for coffee after breakfast."

"Thank you."

He wants to ask what for, but the sky will soon turn blue and he doesn’t want that. He wants this night to carry on forever.

With his arms around your waist, he falls asleep.

viii.

"Hey, Rin, I've got a question, but promise me you won't get mad."

The black sports bag sitting on the unmade bed contains sneakers, two t-shirts, sweats, and a large white towel. In fifteen minutes, he should be out of the house to catch the bus to the gym and meet up with Kakucho on time. Missing the bus would mean being half an hour late. Kakucho, of course, will wait for him, but then later today he promised you he’ll take you out for ice-cream.

Unlike Kakucho, however, you wouldn't wait, and to pick you up from the dance studio on campus without delay, he couldn't afford to miss the bus that would take him to the gym.

Ten more minutes. He needs to put on his shoes.

"So?"

In the doorway to his room, leaning against the doorframe, stands Ran. He's not wearing a t-shirt, and his hair is disheveled, with a sleepy look on his annoyingly handsome face. He probably just woke up.

"What do you want?" Rindou doesn't mean to be rude, but he's in a rush, and Ran has a tendency to take his sweet time with everything.

"I told you. I have a question for you."

"Yeah? I'm listening."

Rindou zips up the bag and strides over to his brother, heading straight for the door. He grabs a pair of blue Adidas and sits on the floor to put them on. Ran follows closely behind him.

"It's about your best friend."

"What about her?" The bus, the gym, and Kakucho are forgotten. Rindou tenses up. Everything that comes out of Ran's mouth is tainted. He stares at the laces on his sneakers, hands momentarily frozen. "What do you want to know?" “Do you like her?” “Why?” Finally, Rindou raises his head up. Ran towers over him. Hands locked on his chest. Not an ounce of usual laziness in his curious waiting eyes.

"Just curious. You seem close, and she's a really nice girl. Why haven't you two started dating?"

Five more minutes. If he’d be late, you’ll mask your sadness by your anger, and the world will turn bitter.

The best option right now would be to lie to Ran. To say, I'm sorry, I'll be late. We'll talk about it later. To come up with some nonsensical excuse and make him believe it. To protect you.

Rindou does nothing of that. He sees his brother's expectant face and takes a deep breath, knowing that he'll tell the truth. He holds out his hand, and Ran reaches out to him, allowing Rindou to steady himself, pulling him to his feet.

"I wish I liked her, but I love her. And love is never simple, is it? We're better off as friends. I care about her too much to risk spoiling our friendship."

"Oh, I see." An appreciative, contented hum escapes Ran's thin lips. "Maybe you're just… Anyway, forget I asked anything. Are you going to the gym? Tell Kaku I said hello."

Maybe you just... what? But Rindou doesn't ask. He nods, waves at his brother, and with his gym bag in hand, rushes out of the house. Down the stairs and onto the street.

He watches the bus pass by a few meters away from the bus stop.

ix.

The cigarette between your fingers carries the scent of tobacco and vanilla.

You hate smoking and yet you bring the cigarette to your lips and inhale the bitter sweetness into your lungs. It awakens your cloudy mind and burns your body from the inside. You are a room full of pale smoke and hate it all you want, there’s nothing you can really do about this nasty habit of yours.

You hate dancing too and yet you dance every single day. That’s the irony of it all, you think. Being doomed to doing what you hate for the rest of your life. Making it your legacy and descending into the abyss of eternity with it.

You despise dancing at parties, yet you find yourself dancing every single day anyway. The irony isn't lost on you. Being trapped in doing something you detest for the rest of your life. Making it your legacy and descending into the abyss of eternity with it.

The music has turned down, but your head still throbs with every thought. It's painful, but this particular hurt feels borderline nice and relaxing. Almost like returning home after a long day of dance practice – utterly exhausted, yet content. You hum along to the rhythm, shifting in the corner of a bright red velvet sofa. You can't recall whose house you're in right now; it was one of Haruchiyo's friends, but he has too many for you to remember them all.

"Care to explain why the eldest Haitani can't take his eyes off you today?" Talk of the devil, and he is sure to appear. Even though Haruchiyo is more like an angel. With his sweet pink hair and easy smile, he settles on the back of the sofa, leaning against you. His voice sounds as soothing as a cat's purr. "Girls are furious with you. Overheard a few of them calling you names."

You don’t need to turn around and see his bloodshot eyes to know that he is high. Rindou, who's not in sight, is probably stoned as well. They often smoke together, and if you hadn't been late today, you might have joined them. But you're not, and it leaves you feeling incredibly sad. You hate being sober when they are not.

"Don't be silly, Haru." You extinguish the cigarette in a handcrafted clay ashtray, the color an unappealing cheap purple. Oddly, you want to take it home.

"I'm not being silly!" He whines, making an irrational turn before finally settling on the sofa next to you. Under his weight it sinks down. Suddenly, the apartment feels aged. "He's been staring at you since you arrived, and I actually spotted you two on campus the other day. What's happening between you?"

"Nothing. What could be happening between me and Ran?"

In the adjacent room – the kitchen – a bottle crashes to the ground and shatters, followed by a cacophony of loud noises. A few girls scream, their high-pitched voices drowning out the electronic music. Haruchiyo pays no attention to this minor disturbance. He slips his hand into yours, intertwining your fingers, and rests his head on your shoulder. Despite his inebriation from weed and alcohol, he smells pleasant.

"Dunno. I just wanted to warn ya to be careful, and Rin's been suspicious too.  Says Ran’s been weird about you lately."

"Oh."

People come and go, and you follow them with weary eyes, attempting to deduce how much they've had to drink or their field of study based on their attire. A silly little game to distract yourself.

You want to go home, but you can't bring yourself to leave.

"He's just hung out at my place a few times. Maybe more. And we've been hanging out, spending some time alone together. Just the two of us." You finally admit, and when Haruchiyo doesn't stop playing with your fingers, nor does he falter, you know he won't judge you.

He is your safe haven.

"Did you fuck?"

"Oh my god, Haru! No." You exclaim, and he erupts in laughter. His joyful chuckles spread happiness throughout your being.

"Rin's older brother is quite the catch. I wouldn't blame you if you did fuck him. If I were you, I definitely would've." Haruchiyo yelps when you pinch him, but then he grabs the hand you attacked him with and edges closer to you. His gray eyes soften as they meet yours. "I won't tell Rin. Don't worry."

Moments like this make you forget all the hatred, and you come to appreciate cigarettes, smoking, dancing, plum cakes, ironies, hot days, and the bitter aftermath. Most of all, you love Haru and his gentle nature. You kiss him on the nose, a small peck, an offering of lost affection. His face lights up with smiles, his cheeks flushed with either alcohol, humidity, or simply your presence.

"You're the best, Haru," you whisper to him, and he nods in response. He never accepts compliments easily. Then you add, "Let's go find Rindou. I miss him."

In the end, you don't get up from the sofa, and it's Rindou who eventually discovers you both in each other's arms.

x.

The air in the small ramen shop near Waseda University is heavy with the scent of pork broth, and Ran wrinkles his nose in disgust.

"Don't make such a face. This place has the best ramen in Shinjuku."  The machine with different water stained stickers makes a loud noise and the automat lady says something incomprehensible. Shion turns around and with a happy face shoves tickets into Ran’s chest. "I’ve gotta go take a leak or I’m pissing myself right here.”

Before Shion disappears behind a grey curtain that Ran thinks was originally white, he turns back briefly. "Kakucho should be here in about five minutes. Let him know I've already paid."

Generosity isn't exactly Shion's strong suit, but today he'd received a perfect score on one of his projects and wanted to celebrate with his favourite ramen and favourite people – or so he claimed. Ran doubted this particular ramen shop was truly Shion's favourite, but since he had said it was the best in Shinjuku and Ran was too tired to drive somewhere else, they'd settled on staying nearby. As for the sentiment, it probably wasn't genuine either.

The interior isn't crowded. A few waitresses – pretty young girls around Ran's age – and an elderly man engrossed in his newspaper occupy the space. There's a half-empty glass on his table with cloudy yellow liquid; obviously sake. Ran ponders whether he's ever drunk this early in the day, but he can't recall such a memory. He's chosen to keep a clear mind since he and Rindou have been on their own.

You never know what might happen next. And that's something Ran dislikes about life. He prefers to be in control, but with how things flow you can never be. Nothing depends solely on you.

So when the door opens, and you enter the ramen shop with Kakucho and a short girl who strongly resembles your best friend – yours and Rindou's red-haired companion – Ran's throat tightens. Conflicting emotions surge within him. On one hand, he's genuinely thrilled to see you here. When you both woke up in your apartment this morning – where he had stayed the night, once again – he hadn't had the time to take you out for coffee, and this deviation from your usual post-sleepover routine had left an aching void in his chest. [Rindou would probably say he's being overly dramatic, but fortunately, Rindou will never be privy to this particular struggle.] On the other hand, he wishes you weren't here, in this damned cramped space, where everything smells a little bit too much.

He can already envision loving stares Shion will cast upon you, and he hates it so much he wishes you'd disappear. And he wants you to stay. He wants you to consciously choose a seat next to him and he wants you to talk only to him and don’t spare a glance for anyone else.

He wants you.

The revelation dawns on him suddenly, and his eyes widen. He's surprised, and there's sadness and anger swirling within him. His heart is tender, though, as you lift your head and grace him with a small smile. He nearly forgets where he is.

"You didn't tell me Ran was here. You said we were coming to see your friends." If not for the playful undertone in your voice, someone might think you were chastising Kakucho.

"You two know each other?"

You scoff, offering Ran an amused glance. "Of course we do."

"How would she know you but not me? I should be the one surprised that you two know each other."

An unexpected edge tinges Kakucho, and he frowns, subsiding. The girl beside him bites her lip, a reproachful look in her eyes, and mumbles something Ran thankfully can't hear. But you, you smile broadly and settle into the seat next to him [just as he wanted you to]. You toss your bag at your feet and place your hand on his thigh. "I actually agree with Ran. It'd be strange for me to know you and not him. Do you know how much Rindou complains to me about him?"

Your teasing stings, and Ran rolls his eyes, playfully pinching you on the soft skin near your thumb. You squint, gritting your teeth, and he quickly presses his fingers over the irritated area, soothing the discomfort he caused. "Sorry. Didn't mean to be so harsh."

"You're insufferable. If I'd known you were here, I would've turned down Kakucho's invitation to come."

This hurts. Even as a joke it does and Ran releases your hand with a flick. "You're such a liar, ba…" A sudden cough interrupts him from adding a pet name and he frowns, turning his head to its source. It turns out to be the short blonde girl – the one he momentarily forgot was present.

"Akashi Senju," she says, offering him a small hand. "I'm her friend and Haruchiyo's sister."

"Senju also studies at Waseda, just like you. She's a first-year student," you add, grinning at your friend. "Anyway, aren't you hungry? You said you were starving."

The second you stand from your chair, Ran's mood darkens. He stares at your back, noting that you've changed since the morning, now wearing different jeans. He prefers the ones you had on earlier. These are a bit too low-rise for his taste, and the color doesn't sit right with him either. Did you practice at the studio and change into a new outfit? Or perhaps you came back home after your morning class and specifically changed for your meeting with Akashi?

"Don't bother asking me anything. I'm not in the mood," Ran says, noticing Kakucho's smug expression. "Oh, and Shion has paid for your ramen. Don't order anything."

"I wasn't planning to."

To what Kakucho is referring is a mystery Ran won’t entertain himself solving. For now, he has another thing to settle and that thing is his own melting heart.

He knocks on your door that same evening after dropping you out just hours before. The ride home from the ramen shop was silent for most part and your home was the first stop. He didn’t say goodbye as you silently closed the door wishing to see everyone soon again. And he didn't allow himself a pleasure of a biting remark – one that had been simmering on his tongue since Shion let out an unnecessary whistle upon meeting you – to slip and pierce through his friend. 

Both boys and the Akashi girl had asked to be dropped off at Nakano Station, which was relatively close to your apartment. Ran hadn't argued and hadn't offered anything in response. He is a mess and all he needs to calm down is you and your annoyingly good cherry tea. You made it every single time he was over.

So when he knocks on your door carrying two bags with a chicken logo – from a small restaurant he spotted on his way back that claimed to serve the best karaage – and a box full of glazed donuts from an American coffeehouse chain, he hopes you'll allow him another cup of tea.

"I knew you'd come," you say, stepping aside to let him in. "What did you bring? Oh! I love that place! Give me that, and go sit down. I'll grab the plates and everything."

But he doesn't sit. He follows you into the kitchen, observing as you tear into the bags, too impatient to untie knots. He smiles at your little quirks and habits. By now, he believes he knows you well. All the small details, bumps and preferences that are arranged in such a way, they make you. You are a thousand myriads of memories, of happiness and of never ending dark night and he wants to conquer every single one.

He wants you.

When you reach for two plates, he steps closer and wraps his arms around you, his hands over yours, he guides them to your chest. In this close proximity, he can smell the lingering fragrance of your shower gel and soap on your skin. He traces his lips over the damp skin of your neck, planting a soft kiss just under your ear.

"Were you planning on going out today?" he asks, not moving a single centimetre away. "You smell so good."

"No. I told you I knew you'd drop by, so I took a shower earlier. You always look so bored when I leave you alone while I'm showering."

He smiles into your skin and playfully nips it, licking the pain away immediately. He wants you, and he wants you to know it. He wants everyone else to know that you're wanted by him too. A purple mark blooms on your skin, and you tremble, your hands gripping his arms.

"Why are you so good to me? For me," he leans his head on yours and kisses the crown of your head, pulling you even closer to him. 

"Ran."

"Tell me."

You wait a second. Two. Three. More. Your breath quickens and he feels your heart pounding against his own, and he closes his eyes in an attempt to steady himself, to find some stability amidst the chaos that is you.

Somehow, he senses that whatever you're about to say won't be pleasant, which is perhaps why he doesn't rush you or urge you to continue. Instead, he litters your head and neck with kisses, communicating his love.

"You don't really like me, Ran, do you? You like Aoki."

Your  fingers are entwined with his, and he can't recall who initiated it. You or him.

"Bullshit. I barely remember her most days until you bring her up. Just what did she tell you? We never had anything going on."

"Maybe. But you don't like me. You like her, and that's why we shouldn't."

His kisses come to a halt. He gently turns you around to face him, searching your face. You don't appear sad or disappointed or disheartened. Maybe a little flustered and your eyes shine a different way. He cups your face in his hands, his thumbs caressing your cheeks.

"Bullshit."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"You're a terrible liar, Ran."

He scoffs. "I'm not. I am a good liar, but I am not lying to you when I say I want you. I need you. You are the one for me." "Then can we agree on one thing, Ran?" You take the hair ties out of his braids, your fingers deftly working to undo them.

"Anything you want."

"If we do this, can we agree not to kiss? At least until you figure out how you truly feel about me."

"That's ridiculous. What else? Should I take you from behind so we don't have to see each other's faces?" He is irritated, but not mad. Yet.

"Don't be crude. No, I just don't want to kiss you when you have feelings for someone else. I don't want to get too attached. I don’t kiss people without feelings." Your hands run through his hair, and he melts into the sensation. You're his solace, his sanctuary. He can't understand how you fail to see that.

"Please, Ran. It's more for me than for you, and I'm sorry."

He sighs, his thumb brushing over your lips. He had been looking forward to kissing you. Ran loves to kiss. But patience is often rewarded, right? Or something along those lines. It doesn't matter.

One day, he's sure he'll get to kiss you. He knows it.

"It's stupid, but alright. I'll kiss you when I'm certain I love you," he says, pressing his lips to the soft skin of your forehead. "I don't understand why I can't kiss you now, though, but anything for you. If it will make you feel better then okay.”

I'll do anything for you.

Damp beige sheets are scattered in the corner of the room near the door. The entire space is filled with the scent of sex and the nighttime city, and Ran never wants to leave. He feels at home.

His grey t-shirt you are wearing stands out on the clean black sheets you spread out a little before. You're lying on the bed with your limbs stretched out, your body still sensitive and trembling. The pose reminds him of starfish, and he bites back a laugh, his eyes twinkling with delight.

"Ran!" You roll your head to the side, propping yourself up and adjusting the pillow on the headboard to make yourself comfortable. You do the same for him, and his heart swells, yet again, for what feels like the millionth time and beyond this evening. "Are you laughing at me?"

"No. Why would I?" He places two bowls of karaage and rice – one for each of you – on the bed and slides under the blanket. Your bare thigh brushes against his hip. He isn’t wearing much. Just his boxers. And if he isn’t mistaken you too aren’t wearing anything except for his t-shirt.

“Don't know. You were just all smiles when I turned my head.”

He doesn’t grace you with a response, because just for this once he wants you to find the answer yourself. He wants you to read it in the depths of his eyes, in the creases that form beneath them, and in the glow of his lips. Lips you didn't get to kiss today. The chicken and rice are cold, but the food is still good and he has been starving ever since he got up from the bed and took you to the shower. You had been hazy and sensitive, his cum on your thighs and belly, and when the water was hitting your body it seemed like it was hurting you more than bringing you relief. He asked you if it was true, but you just nudged him closer, holding him close with your arms tightly wrapped around his waist. He'd carefully washed you clean.

"What's on your mind, Ran?" you ask, your chopsticks poised between your fingers. "Oh, wait, don't tell me. Let me guess."

As you contemplate your guess, your eyes scrutinize his face, and he notices  every small change it makes.. How your lips quiver after you lick them clean. How your eyes narrow as you attempt to focus on him. How you fidget with the wooden chopsticks, transferring them from one hand to the other. How you look flushed and innocent and so incredibly young and beautiful. How you now forever have him as a part of you. 

You sigh, your shoulders rising and falling gently. Your bowl is only half-empty, and he guesses that you probably aren’t the type to get hungry after sex. "Are you thinking about sex? Or maybe Rindou? Oh, no, wait! Maybe you're craving that dessert you love. What was it called? Rindou once made me get it for you because he said you were mad at him and it was the only thing that could save his life."

"How do Rin, sex, and my favorite dessert all fit together?" Ran sets his now-empty bowl aside and takes yours, which you kindly offer him to finish. "It doesn't really make sense."

"Your expression. You looked like you were thinking about something you really eally love."

So fucking innocently curious. So naively observant. So so so. Ran tries to grab what arises in his chest and what burns his throat, but he can’t, so he swallows and reaches out for you instead. Nestled in his arms, you fit perfectly, and he nuzzles his nose in your neck, which now carries the scent of him. He's never shared this level of intimacy with the girls he's been with before, but with you, it's different. With you, he can sense his imprints all over your body, just as he knows you've marked yourself onto him.

"Could you make me some of that cherry tea in the morning?" he murmurs into your skin. He senses a slight flinch as you're tickled, and to make amends, he places a soft little kiss there.

Your embrace tightens around him. "Were you thinking about my cherry tea?"

"Well, if you put it that way... yeah, I guess I was. Will you make it for me when we wake up?"

In this moment, in your bed, bodies entwined under warm blankets, Ran lies to you for the first time. And you both understand he's doing so. You both know he wasn't really thinking about cherry tea, but rather you.

And yet, no matter how terrifying it is, you comply, you choose to believe him and say, "Yeah, I will. Of course I will."

xi.

Rindou has a suspicion you are hiding something from him and he is determined to find out what. He is all in for secrets and mysteries, but not from you. When it comes to you he is greedy and he wants to know everything. So if you get hurt he will know whom to punch and what words to say to make the wound they inflicted upon you sting less.

Rindou, who has always been protected by Ran, loves to be protective of you. It’s a self-assigned role of a big brother he never was to anyone that he cherishes too much. But no matter how many times he has hinted - too bluntly - for you to pour your heart out to him, you simply don’t say what he wants to hear. He gets desperate and when one day he is high with Sanzu in his apartment, he asks him if he noticed it too. Your strange behaviour and how lately you’ve been smelling different. Like something too familiar and close to him.

In his typical manner, Sanzu laughs it off. He promises Rindou that there’s nothing to worry about, cause if you’d wanted to tell them you would’ve. And if not, then you will tell them later. You all are best friends and you will be so until the end of your days. A little trust, Rin, never hurt anybody.

There’s nothing left for him, but to agree, and yet the smell on your skin stays and in the next days all Rindou can is to get familiar with it since now it’s part of you.

The rumours that you slept with a college professor for the main stage in the showcase spreads around not so long after.

Rindou punches a guy who he overhears saying it in the cafeteria and almost gets detention for breaking university’s principles. But it doesn’t stop him from beating that guy up again. This time he is smarter. He does it outside of the school.

Knuckles bloody and torn he feels alive.

He isn’t that much surprised when he finds out it was Aoki who started this nasty lie about you.

After all, you’ve always been rivals.

“That was stupid, Rin.” You murmur sitting on the floor of their apartment. His hand rests in yours, a warm dead weight. The cotton ball soaked with vodka - they didn’t have any first aid kit at home - glides across his scraped skin. Despite you speaking gently, your movements are precise and harsh. You obviously are a bit mad or maybe sad and worried. “You know I don’t care what they say.” The alcohol stings his skin more than your words. He closes his eyes. “But I do. I can’t just brush it off if they call my best friend a whore right to my face.” 

“He didn’t see you,” you observe, quickly glancing at him, before returning to your task. 

“What a pity.” “Will he live?” you tear the gauze in two and wrap it around Rindou’s knuckles tying in with a pretty bow. He thinks it’s a bit excessive and he doesn’t really need something to cover up the wound, but he lets you tend to him. He likes it a bit too much to deny it. 

The water in the bathroom stops running and for a second it’s eerily quiet in the apartment. The only noise comes from honking cars - might be someone parking for too long - and people loudly laughing right under their building - might be a student couple that rents a flat above Haitani’s. Life never stops even when it stills for you. The world is wheeling around and around and around.

"What's with the hospital? What happened?" Veiled by his thoughts Rindou doesn’t notice his brother coming out of the bathroom. With Ran beside you looking at his hands, the world speeds up; Rindou subconsciousness suffers. “Hey, Rin! What happened?”

Without your permission he can’t tell the truth. He won’t dare to spill that ugly rumour about you and he won’t - everything inside him riot against this nasty lie - even say it outloud if you don’t want him to. Even to his brother. 

Rindou’s loyalty is his doom. “Rindou fought the guy who he caught saying I slept with mister Okamoto for the main role in the showcase.” There’s not a hinge of bitterness or resentment in you as you answer Ran’s question. 

Rindou wants to smack you.  He wants you to be more serious about yourself. He hates that you aren’t and he is surprised when Ran is. 

“Why would someone say that about you?” 

“Jealousy, I guess. It’s going to be the second year I am the lead.” You stand up from the floor and take the open bottle of vodka along with the remaining gauze and cotton balls to the kitchen. “Honestly, Ran, it’s just a stupid rumour. Why even bother? People are gonna talk anyway.”

“No. If we’ll make them, they won’t,” Ran retorts, going after you and Rindou can’t help, but turn around and peek out from the corner to get a better view. “Don’t roll your eyes at me. I am being serious. Don’t let them come at you for something you didn’t do.”

“Yeah. You worked hard to be the lead. Don’t let them take it away from you.”

The simple truth is the hardest to swallow, and you almost crumble under its pressure. It's obvious to Rindou that you didn't like what the wind was carrying around the university's halls. Maybe it really didn't bother you that much, but it still soured your sweet success. He wished he could've helped before blood needed to be spilled. Because now, Rindou isn't sure if his warmth and care can make you feel better. What is left for you is to wrap his hands in gauzes and share the warmth of your existence.

And so he raises to his feet, to catch you one more time, to not let tears stain your cheeks and your heart.

“Oh, no, no.” It’s Ran. He reaches for your face and cups your cheeks between his palms, his big fingers erasing fat tears from your skin. He coos at you, eyes searching for you. “You know what? I don’t want to see you cry, and I bet Rin doesn’t want to see you cry either. But it’s okay if you want to. I won’t stop you. So cry all you want, and then I’ll take you to that restaurant I told you about. Alright? I am going to blow dry my hair, and we are good to go. Okay?”

Frozen, near the kitchen countertop stands Rindou. He takes his glasses off and wipes them with the hem of his shirt. He doesn’t dare to look at you, and besides, he isn’t even sure if he will see you. Your presence isn’t for him, and maybe it never was. Maybe he was never that important in your life; only a connecting chain to something bigger than him.

He can’t find you.

“I am sorry,” you whisper when Ran is gone to his room and your eyes are almost dry.

Rindou frowns. There’s no reason for you to apologize to him, and yet he leans into you, his forehead burrowing at your shoulder. “Whatever you say or do is okay. Remember? We accept each other as we are. You don’t have to pretend to be someone else around me.”

“I love you, Rindou.” Again, it’s a whisper, a small meaningful promise. “I love you so so much.”

“I know.” He laughs, suddenly uncomfortable and very shy. That new foreign smell of yours hits his nose and Rindou inhales it fully, filling his lungs with it and a realisation comes at him so simple, he thinks he knew it from the beginning. The shock he imagined he would go through isn’t here. Nothing is. Just acceptance and your detachedness in which he loses himself. You smell like his brother. Like Ran. You’ve been for a while. He wraps his arms around your waist and holds you closer. His hands don't hurt him anymore. 

xii.

His fingers are warm on the gentle skin of your hips, and every little caress feels like millions of kisses planted straight to your heart.

Girls in your university and mutual friends through Rindou who slept with Ran had the tendency to discuss him in bed, and besides claiming that he always knew what he was doing and how he should do it, they always mentioned him being exceptionally rough. He never stayed at your place for a night, never brought you to his apartment in Roppongi (everyone assumed it was their mutual agreement with Rindou), and never slept with the same girl twice. Never. Never. Never. There were too many rules and details for you to remember. Laying under him on his bed in his room you would swear they all were liars.

Running your fingers through his long hair and combing them behind his ears so they won’t tickle you falling onto your face, you moan from the burning pleasure that never left you from the moment Ran declared he wanted you.

Slow, but powerful rolls of his hips catch you off guard - they always do - and you tug at his hair a bit too harshly. His face comes closer to yours and your naked chest touches his, he brushes against your hard nipples, and with pure curiosity and pleasure watches you close your eyes, back detaching your body from the damp sheets. It’s like you want to be closer to him. Like you run into his arms; into him.

[He accepts you.] He welcomes you.

The exposed marked skin of your neck comes into his vision and he leans down to kiss you there. Mark it again. Purple on purple. More purple. You and him are the same colour. 

His breathy whispers burn like holy oil. Something sacred that was never meant to be shared with anyone else. “So good for me, baby. Always good. It’s you. Only you for me. Right, baby? I am yours. Oh God, I am yours, baby.”

More confessions. More promises. More spilled love.

With you Ran is always tender. He always eats you out - despite you not wanting to, since you say it’s like a kiss, too intimate - and he always stretches you before he puts his cock inside you so it won’t hurt you. He always listens to your needs, without you voicing them out even once. And after you are done you both eat and talk and laugh, and then go at it again. 

After the fifth time you are sure that Ran Haitani never fucked you, but made love to you. And it was not in the tempo or poses he had you in or where you had sex or if he initiated it or you or how many times you both finished or many other stupid reasons. No. It was in his touches, his words, his smiles, his laughs, his gestures, his eyes and how soft they were right after or sometimes in the moment.

It was in his being and how you both felt around each other. 

Today, when Ran cums, your lower part warm with it, he crushes you with his body. You stroke his toned shoulders and back. It’s not just his hair that gets your attention. It’s every part of his body. You love to please him too. His breath is hot against your ear shell, and you squirm, grazing your nails against his tattooed skin. He winces, but laughs, detaching himself from you.

“I am so spent,” he confesses, yawning and you giggle at this natural confirmation from his body. “Do you wanna take a nap? We can order something later or go out. I wouldn’t mind having shabu-shabu. Whatcha think?”

You bite your lip, pretending to consider his offer, when in reality you already know you’ll agree and now you are just taking him in. Ran is very beautiful. Womanly pretty.

"Yeah, okay. Sounds good."

Before Ran rolls to his side, he kisses you in the corner of your lips and then up your face to your brows. Never on your lips. Because you asked and he promised. Genuine content smile brightens up your drown in pleasure face.

"You know," he muses, "I like your red-haired friend more now."

You laugh, immediately understanding what he meant by that and as if the sound of your laugh is an alarm for his need to be close to you, Ran shifts closer to you, bringing you too, flash against his naked body. Skin to skin.

"His hair is pink, and his name is Haruchiyo. But you always say his hair is red. It's kind of funny," you murmur, closing your eyes. Your body is too sensitive for you to move much without feeling the never ending hunger for Ran, but you still do and you gasp, your palms gripping onto his shoulders. 

He smirks and lets you nuzzle your head in the crook of his neck. You kiss him there.

"Yeah, Haruchiyo. Next time, I'll pay him myself to take Rin to Hakone. For a whole week. Anyway, let's sleep. I want to make you feel good again when we wake up. Do you want me to wake you up with my fingers or my mouth? You seem like you need it. You are so fucking sensitive everytime we have sex. It’s like I am your first and you never had decent co…”

"Rude, Haitani," you slap his back. Gently. "So rude."

Silence settles over the room and your breaths even out. You think he has fallen asleep. His chest rising up and down. His body is warm and solid and heavy next to yours. Your fingers continue their dance across his nape.

"But you still like me, right? Rude or not?" He asks, his voice a bit clearer than before, and you know that he has been thinking about this all this time.

Without a delay or hesitation, you speak. "Yes, I do. Rude or not."

Again, he doesn’t reply back and after an unknown amount of lost time, you understand that he indeed has fallen asleep. You follow him right after, thinking that maybe his question was more serious than you initially thought it was.

xiii.

The plans for Rindou’s surprise birthday party were made in advance in the kitchen of your apartment.

For the first time in four years that you’ve become a part of Rindou’s life, Ran lets you both - you and Haruchiyo - to play a part in the arranging of the birthday party for his brother. He does it because of you, of course. Another reason is knowing that Rindou will be very pleased and happy. Unlike Ran, Rindou likes surprises. It was your idea to veil every little preparation, location and guest list with exciting secrecy. Both boys [under an insane amount of pressure] promised you to not even speak of the upcoming birthday to Rindou. Let alone spill any details or hints about the party. 

Just a few days before it Haruchiyo however sitting in the cafeteria accidentally mentioned to Rindou that the colour of banana milk reminded him of kitchen countertops in the house Ran rented for the surprise party. He was saying it with a huge smile on his face that quickly faded when he realised what he said. You - who obviously had a huge soft stop for Haruchiyo - didn’t even get mad at him. You all laughed it off and Rindou asked no questions, appreciating your efforts. 

"Can you believe it?" Happy Birthday Rindou garland shimmers in your hands. You tape the second end of it to the wall and lean back, looking at it, trying to see if it’s even. It’s the fifth time now and Ran slowly loses his patience. He doubts Rindou would notice if it declines for one degree. “I thought you would be the one who would uncover us.”

The ladder echoes a clunking sound as you come down. You fall right into Ran’s arms who were steading it for you the whole time, hands gripping the metal so you didn’t fall. He is surprised. “Me? Why? You know I am actually good at keeping secrets.”

“I know you are.” Hands on your chest, you squint at the wall, overlooking the garland. Your expression is hard and serious and no matter how much Ran tries to decipher it he can’t. Silently, he prays you won’t readjust it yet again. He is getting tired and he still needs to fill the fridge with beers and what else alcohol he bought. There were also snacks and fairy lights to be taken care of. At least, all the vases and unnecessary fragile decorations were already sitting in the storage. 

“Does it look good?” Ran asks, hopefully. “To me it seems fine. From where I stand. But it seemed fine the second time too. Maybe you just should draw a huge line with a pencil on the wall so you could see where you should hang it. Or you know what? Rindou will be fine without garland. He’ll live. It’s not like he knows we were gonna hang it.”

The silence on your end is scaring him. Is this stupid garland really so uneven? He steps in front of you and scrutinizes the wall. Everything is perfect. The colorful "Happy Birthday Rindou" written on the beige wall looks fine; the tape is not visible and every letter is as neat as it could be. When the silence stretches, he groans and grabs hold of the ladder. The metal is warm under his palms from how long he has been holding it.

“Ran.” He feels your lovely hands and you pressed to him before he registers you calling his name. All frustration and tiredness are exterminated from him, thrown out of the window the second you open your mouth.

"Mhm?"

The softness of your body melts into his existence and he cranes his neck at the angle where he can see you.

Your eyes are already waiting for him and he is met with so much tenderness and endearment and fondness he resists the urge to kiss you and it’s the worst fight he’s ever been into.

His body is bruised and ugly. He is losing.

“The garland is fine.”

“Is it?” The sudden eagerness in his voice makes you giggle. He giggles with you. “I expect the same garland for my birthday. You’ve got to put Rin through the same shit as me.”

“Do you want us to rent you a house too?”

He hums, thinking of an answer. His fingers slip between yours. “Yeah. Two floors, and I want the backyard facing the ocean. A pool is a must, too. Oh! And the guest list? I’ll make it myself. Rin would invite people I dislike just to annoy me.”

“Deal.” A wet touch of your lips encourages shivers. His eyelids tremble as he closes his eyes, losing himself in your affection. You press another kiss under his ear and then on his jaw, only to move to his cheeks, and then to the corner of his lips.

His only instinct is to follow you, lean into you, reach out to you and for a second his lips are on yours, but you move away and he curses. Turning around, Ran pushes you towards the huge oak table and you comply, jumping on it. Your legs are spread for him and yet you push him away when he grabs the hem of your shirt. 

Your palm on his chest he hopes you can feel how his heart reacts to you. And as if you do - or maybe it’s something else, Ran hopes it’s something else, something sweet and precious where you can’t deny him - your open palm turns into fist and you bring him closer. You pepper his face with small kisses and it’s embarrassing for him to think how happy he gets, how you can ask of him anything now and he will do it. Be it steading the ladder for you or bringing you hot gazing stars from outer space. 

“You are so lovely, Ran.” 

Oh God. 

“Anything for you. Lovely, gentle, harsh, rude… yours. However, you'll want me.”

There’s a known firefly in your eyes and he holds your face. At this point you are just staring at each other, searching for answers or commuting without words. Or maybe both. “Yeah. I like it all. Remember? I’ve told you before.” “Say it again, then. I like hearing it.” And you do. I like you. I like you. I accept you, Ran. I like you. I like you. I like you. 

Pink looks pretty on you and Ran knows it. 

You sway with his younger brother in the middle of the huge living room of the rented house for which Ran paid a bit too much [but you were so adamant it was perfect and Rindou would absolutely love it so he couldn’t say no] and laugh. Your head thrown back, you hold hands with Rindou as he swirls you around, careful to not let go of you. 

You are the centre of this party and Ran’s attention. 

The beer in his cup is still cold and he sips on it watching you having the time of your life celebrating the existence of his little brother. The fact that you so dearly love and care for Rindou touches Ran’s heart more than it should, but it does and it warms the world around him. He tries to remember if someone from his own friends has this much love for him as you do for Rindou and suddenly he can’t name a single one. It’s a moment of loneliness and fear. Ran can deal with both, because he will always have Rin and Rin will always have you. So it’s fine. Everything is fine and the party goes smoothly just like you planned it. There’s enough food and alcohol and people who are here are the ones Rindou is happy to see. All his previous birthdays - and Ran’s too - they celebrated at clubs. Tones of booz, weed and girls never made Rindou smile as brightly as he did through the whole evening and well into the night. There was something alluring in intimacy that Ran never felt or noticed before and that he waited all his life to learn through you. 

So he drinks a bit more and watches you dance in your pink croco trousers and he knows you look unbelievably good. So good all he wants now is to get you in his car and drive you far far far away where no one could take you from him. For good measure he’ll lock you in the house [of his heart]. The keys will be thrown away with eyes closed so even he wouldn’t know where to look for them. No escape from this dream land of his. Forever imprisoned the two of you. 

It gets hard to breathe as if Ran is the one to dance and laugh. Leaving his unfinished beer on the table, Ran goes outside. He catches Kakucho’s questioning gaze on him, but mouths a simple ‘i am fine’ and then he is all alone again.

It’s chilly outside. The night sky is clouded and no stars can be seen from the porch. Two houses down there’s another party. Music travels this short distance, but as if there’s an invisible divider, it stops exactly in the middle and never touches their own music. Ran can clearly hear both songs and this alone creates a peculiar sense of detachment. It’s like he is here and then it’s like he never was and never would be.  Much to his displeasure it’s not you who finds him there. He didn’t even know he was waiting for you until viscous regret filled his lungs and the disappointment rested in his chest. He might have been scowling because the girl before him looked, if not scared, confused for sure. 

“Don’t say you don’t remember me.” The girl is beautiful, and Ran thinks he saw her at your university. She steps closer and brings her face right to his, her brown eyes waiting for recognition, but when even proximity doesn’t ring a bell, she pouts. “What they say about you is right. You never called me back.”

Oh. That’s why she looked familiar. Ran has slept with her. He gives her a dead stare, not in the mood to make a joke out of it. He turns his back on her. “Well, I never call anyone back. It’s always a one-time thing.”

He expects the girl to be offended or for the poison of humiliation to spread through her veins, but obviously, none of it happens. Instead, she pulls out a pack of cigarettes and leans on the wooden rails, overlooking the empty night street. “It’s stupid, but I thought I might be good enough for you to change your mind,” the girl giggles. She lights a cigarette for herself and doesn’t offer one to Ran. “But you don’t even remember me. You don’t, do you?”

“No. I don’t.” There’s no point in lying, and Ran doesn’t care if he hurts her. She’s been hurt before and she will be after this insignificant encounter.

“Do you wanna fuck now?” The answer is immediate and it’s the same as before. “No. I don’t.” 

“Not with me?” Lit cigarette between her fingers stands out on a stormy night sky. 

“No. Not with you.” 

The cloud of smoke escapes the girl's mouth and Ran stares at it for a bit, trying to remember how it tasted when he kissed her. But he can’t. It’s not her mouth that he sees, but an empty place. It’s scary. 

You and your crucifying rule that broke his bones everytime he was with you made kisses mean a lot and dissolved those that he shared before into drivel. They didn’t mean anything. 

Ran never remembered his first kiss. 

He guesses it happened when he was thirteen with a girl that was much older. It probably was a bet. 

The butt of the cigarette with dark stains from the girl’s lipstick is pressed against the wooden floor. The light dies. “You look awfully sick with love, Ran Haitani. It does suit you, though. Your eyes look more alive. Usually, they were like you just murdered someone. It’s scary.”

Fat raindrops hit the pavement and soon the world around is speaking. Ran can’t tell what it’s trying to say, but his heart tells him it is a premonition. A little prophecy, because what is born meaningless has a tendency to die as the most important thing. 

But of course, there are exceptions. 

There are memories, people and webs that were and always would have the dearest place in Ran’s heart. There is you and there was Aoki Ogura and now next to him is the girl he had slept with once and doesn’t even remember. There is the smell of rain and a few seconds ago there was a lit cigarette, the fire of it now dead. It’s a birthday party of his little brother, his only family, and it’s a day when Ran realises some things aren’t our choices, but are chosen for us. 

No matter how much we want, we can't change them, because just for once it didn’t happen because of us, but because of who we are.  The rain intensifies. Chills creep under Ran’s thin grey blouse. Are your pink trousers and white tee keeping you warm enough? He desperately needs to know. Now. 

“What’s your name?” Ran is at the door. His hand lies on the handle.

The girl raises her hands in the air, gasping. She pretends to be offended. In reality, she isn’t. There’s not a tinge of sadness in her. “It’s Hatsu Ikazuchi.”

The beginning of thunder. How fortunate. How coincidentally amusing and pretty. Life is full of wonders. The door behind Ran softly closes. Rain and storms stay on the other side.

xiv.

The second Rindou accidentally learns about the party, he knows it was your idea. 

When he steps out of the car and sees the prettiest house he knows it was you who chose it. The small hidden alley where it stands and green pots with pink flowers are definitely what made the cut for you. And then, when he enters the house and everyone screams happy birthday Rindou, and he shushes them so he can greet every single person there, he knows it was you who decided who should be invited.

It’s the same with the cake that you bring out to the living room singing-whispering his favourite song, instead of the classical happy birthday one. He knows it was you who ordered it and decided on the fillings. You hold it before him, a huge happy smile on your pretty face, and he closes his eyes to make a wish before he blows off the candles. Ran stands behind you, his chin on your shoulder watching his brother, but Rindou barely notices this unusual proximity. He only sees the fairy lights and decorations.

He knows it was all your doings too.

He is happy and he is loved and he drowns in your love the whole evening and well into the night.

He only loses you right after the clock strikes two when Haruchiyo finds him and urges him to smoke. They share a joint on the second floor in the bathroom. And even in the state Rindou is in now, he thinks about you. How you’d be mad if you were to find them smoking in this enclosed space without a window. How you’d scold them like you always do and say that weed smells disgusting. How you’d still slide down the door and sit on cold tiles with them, breathing smoke from it into your lungs, intoxicating yourself to the maximum. You’d laugh and smile looking at them both, your best friends, and in those moments everything in the world would be right. 

High as kite - because it’s a special birthday joint, claims Haruchiyo - from half of the cigarette and drunk on God knows how many beers and two cocktails with an unknowing mix of alcohol in each, Rindou stumbles down the stairs. Haruchiyo follows suit. With mouths dry as parchment they go into the kitchen where they gulp down two bottles of water, one and a half litre each. 

The thirst subsides and they giggle, finding the situation funny. The party carries on and so does the fun. Behind the veil of smoke and fog and fun everything [and everyone] seems brighter - happier - than they really are. Weed is better than alcohol, but both of it mixed together is a devastating cocktail of unknown feelings and emotions, so bright and positive, Rindou wants to stay in this superficial land forever. 

But the effect will wear out with time and nothing but sadness and regret will stay. And when Rindou will wake up in the morning, he will be grumpy and untalkative and borderline aggressive, angry thoughts swarming inside his pounding head. He might throw up or he might not and when this state too will pass, for there is nothing permanent, he will wonder if sadness and hostility is all he has. This eats Rindou alive. 

But there is still time till this terrifying clarity. 

For now everything is blurry. And he is happy. He allows himself to be. 

A very gracious birthday present. 

Together, with Haruchiyo they find you in the company of Senju, Ran and his friends. In the midst of loud music and the smell of alcohol, your small circle gives the impression of a cold calm island, warm to its habitants and cold to intruders. There’s an effortless conversation that flows between you all. He has no idea what it is you are talking about, but it must be something very interesting to each of you, because your eyes sparkle and everyone speaks almost at the same time, contributing to the discussion. 

A deep gut feeling of being unwanted washes over him and Rindou’s body is sticky, clothes too close to skin. Blood pumps loudly in his head and for a second or two all he hears is a stretching white noise. It calls out for him, forms a message, something so important and crucial, but it disappears before Rindou can decipher the meaning behind its static nature. And then, his brain overwhelmed and tired, his being happy and loved, he thinks that maybe some things aren’t worth reading into. Maybe it all happens just because and maybe nothing has any sacred meaning. 

Maybe living in the absence of all is easier and maybe that’s what Rindou chooses in the moment Senju spots them and waves her hand urging them to join your company.  

“My favorite birthday boy!” You exclaim, stretching your hands toward him. He accepts your invitation and dives into your arms, stumbling over his unstable feet. He falls face down onto the sofa, and Senju, who had been sitting next to you, groans and moves to the floor. But she doesn’t say anything to him because today is his birthday, and he is allowed a little more than he usually is.

“Am I really your favourite?” Rindou asks, his tongue loose from the effects of alcohol. His head rests on your shoulder, and he tilts his head to take a good look at you. You are a bit drunk yourself. Your eyes are only half-opened, and you look undeniably sexy and warm. “Tell me the truth.”

You squint your eyes, pretending to think, and he whines at you, causing you to laugh. He is happy with himself because of that. He is even happier when you ruffle his hair and whisper to him, "You are. Even when you reek of weed and beer." You lick your lips before you continue, a bit more serious than before. "Even if you find yourself a pretty girl and dump me because she's going to be jealous of us."

"No one's gonna date us with you in the picture, baby. Honestly?" Haruchiyo chimes in. He sits on the floor next to Kakucho, opposite you. Only when you and Rindou turn your heads his way, your attention fully on him, does he continue speaking. "Even I feel jealous of you, and I'm a part of our threesome."

The interrogation on Rindou’s behalf falls short at that and you slump into scolding Haruchiyo for his poor choice of words to describe your friendship. You argue, as you usually do, because obviously to Haruchiyo the threesome sounds okay and he even claims he heard someone at university refer to your trio using it and he in fact is not the one who came up with it. At that you gasp and a sound too similar to a sad wolf howl comes out of your throat. 

"Actually, you know what I always wanted to ask?" Interrupts Shion. He is taking the first long drag from his cigarette. The smell of smoke that hits Rindou’s nostrils almost immediately indicates that they are cherry-flavored. It's quite a strange choice on Shion's side, if you were to ask Rindou. "How did you all meet? You are super close. I’ve been looking at you today, and if Ran hadn’t told me before that you are seeing someone, I would’ve thought you are dating our birthday boy."

All attention has you as the centre and for a split moment Rindou is sober. All haze and blurriness swept away leaving the palace for stunning clarity. But he feels how tense your limp body gets and he sees his brother who sits at your feet with your left leg thrown over his shoulder, laying his head on your thigh. Ran smirks as he waits for your answer, but he knows his brother the best, so the sweet tender expectancy doesn’t go unnoticed. Nor does the gentle caressing of his fingers around your ankle. 

“We actually met through Haru, who I knew because I am friends with Senju. We went to the same high school.”

Shion nods. He brings a bottle of sui-umeshu to his lips and, not taking his eyes away from you, takes a large sip. When he is done, the sweet liquor swallowed, he asks you, "Why is your boyfriend not here?"

"He isn't my boyfriend yet. We are still figuring it all out," you retort. You tilt your head to the side and playfully smile at Shion. "And just why are you so interested in him?"

“I am not interested in him. I am interested in you.” 

"Oh," the smile is gone from your face and you stare at Shion as if you are seeing him for the very first time. "Thank you."

The rest of the night is spent almost quietly. You dance some more. You drink and Haruchiyo smokes again. This time with Senju on the damp porch. The rain that Rindou never acknowledged has stopped. The air now is cold and crispy. It finally feels like winter is just around the corner. 

The golden light of sunrise adorns the living room, building an illusion of it being way more spacious and bigger than it really is. Rindou can barely stand on his own feet. He so desperately needs to go to bed and sleep until it’s well after noon. And yet, he comes to a halt when he hears your quiet laughing and Ran’s murmuring. Through the buzzing in his head he can’t hear what you are talking about, and even if he wants to eavesdrop, he won’t. He respects you and he respects his brother. He respects his loving touches and he respects your choice. So, he goes straight into the kitchen and the first thing he sees is not your blood splashed across your white t-shirt in bright stains, but Ran’s gentle moves when he wipes your face. Come to think of it, his brother was always like that around you. Curious and tender even in anger. The softness doesn’t evaporate from Ran when he looks up and sees his brother standing in the arc that connects the living room and kitchen. 

"Did you get the nosebleed again?" The house is silent, so Rindou’s voice echoes through it like a bell in the middle of a field.

Somehow, Rindou imagines it’s sunny there in that field of his despite dark heavy clouds hanging low in the sky. It’s going to rain, but before it will, there will be a thunderstorm. This time Rindou is going to be there to see it. 

“Yeah. Don’t worry though. I am just tired. That’s all.” 

Contradiction arises in him and guilt fills his throat to the brim. He can’t say anything so he just stares at the white wet towel  in Ran’s hands. Its twisted tip all red and pulpy. Behind you, on the beige plain wall, is a garland. It says “Happy Birthday Rindou”. He wants to take it home with him and put it under his bed, in his heart, to store it there forever as a reminder that someone cares for him. [Always will]. 

There are so many words and confessions he desires to share with you, but instead, he says, “I am going to sleep. Can we go for yakitori when I wake up? I just know I am gonna be starving.”

“Nankotsu or tebasaki?” Suddenly excited, you turn your head toward him.

“Both?” “Fuck, I love you so much, Rindou! You are the best!” “I know. I know. I love me too.” 

“Okay you all enough with love. Let’s take your makeup off too, while I am at it. Now, look at me.” Without anything to say Rindou leaves. He goes upstairs and without taking a shower goes straight to his makeshift bed for today. He is sharing a room with Kakucho who is already asleep. His light snores break the solemnity of the room.

Undressed, in his boxers, Rindou comes up to the window that overlooks the neighbour's patio. Classic Japanese garden stares back at Rindou and he tries hard to remember when was the last time he saw one. He can’t. It’s a bit sad. He finds himself liking the moss, the rocks and those pretty wooden lanterns. Beauty is simple; he appreciates it. 

At last, he closes the window, shutting curtains tight. Today was a good day. He felt loved and needed and cared for. 

Rindou wishes every day was like this one, but then wouldn’t its significance be lost on him? Life is a contradiction and Rindou loves it too. Just for today he allows himself to. 

xv.

Flowers bloom inside you when Ran’s hips meet yours and you moan into his shoulder, your teeth drawing blood from his skin there. 

Arms limp around his neck, your body violently quivers and he, too vulnerable and high on his own orgasm, spreads his palms across your naked back, running them up and down. Mouth hungry on your skin he leaves open sloppy kisses across your neck. It does little to calm you down. It does nothing at all to subside the hunger and emotions you have for him in this moment [and always]. 

"Shit, I bit you. I am sorry," you say, your breath still hitched. You run a finger across the mark, wiping the blood that stains Ran’s perfectly smooth skin. "Didn't want anyone to hear us. Does it hurt?"

Tilting his head to the side, his palms on the small of your back, Ran inspects the damage. He winces, and in your blissfully tired state, you don’t pay attention to how fake that wince sounds or how unnaturally he grimaces when you touch the wound again. "It…"

He doesn’t have a chance to finish, because you run your fingers around the mark and bring your lips closer to it, pecking the red irritated skin there in an attempt to soothe the pain. Ran freezes. All jokes and teasing he intended to voice die. 

He dies with them.

“Ran are you okay? Does it hurt that much? I kissed it because I thought it might lessen the pain. I probably only irritated it more. I am sorry. Let me go take a look if they have band aids in the bathroom.” You are still sitting on his lap with him inside of you and your legs still tremble, but now only lightly and you think you can stand up and walk the short distance to the en-suite bathroom. But when you lift yourself off him, Ran grips your hips so harshly you yelp. 

You are confused. Lines on your forehead you look at him with a question in your eyes. Did you do something wrong? Was he repulsed by your spontaneous biting? Love is about questions and you drown in them. It’s fortunate that Ran holds you just where you should be held. “Don’t go. It doesn’t hurt at all. I haven’t even noticed you bit me until you said. I was just teasing you.” 

In the silence that follows, each of you think of some distant places that never correlate with each other and yet even there you are together. In the comfortable familiarity and warmth of his body you doze off. Ran’s huge tattoo fades away with every drop of your eyelids; little butterflies landing on ink orchids. You swear you can smell their faint flowery aroma, but that simply can’t be true. 

A lot of things can’t be true and yet you choose to believe in them. 

"A girl today asked me to have sex with her, and I refused," Ran says after a while.

Sleepy, you place your chin on his chest, locking a gaze with him. Ran does have the prettiest eyes, you think. But instead, you ask him, "Was it Ikazuchi?"

His blonde brows coming together, he tries really hard to remember. So hard a deep wrinkle appears on his forehead. You raise your head and smoothe it, waiting for it to disappear. You don’t like seeing him troubled and now he looks like that whole encounter was unpleasant for him. 

"I can’t remember," he says honestly, catching your hand when it wipes at his eyebrows. He brings it to his mouth and kisses your knuckles.

"Oh, it was her. I know," you giggle, a stray ray of bleak mid-autumn sun pecking at your face, causing you to squint as you squirm on top of Ran. He whines, and you press a hand over his mouth, whispering, "Ran, don’t do that! You’ll wake someone up."

You see him roll his eyes, and then it’s you who is screaming, because he holds you by your waist and flips you over, so that you are under him. "So much for 'Ran, don’t!'" He mimics your voice and intonation a bit too perfectly, and then he stops, and you can only imagine what makes him shut up. But he stares at you, his half-closed eyes forever young and full of longing. You can only guess what’s going on in his mind.

Bathed in morning sun and your love Ran looks exceptionally beautiful. 

“What is it?” 

There’s no hesitation in his reply. "You are pretty."

And there’s no hesitation when he brushes his lips against yours. His breath is warm and sweet and he is your new source of air, because altogether you stop to breathe and it’s him who inhales life in you. Like a little lamb before sacrifice you stare at him with wide eyes. So full of questions. So full of don’t you remember I told you not to kiss me before you feel something for me. If you ever feel something for me. 

It’s a plea. It’s an incantation. It’s his chance; his doom and forgiveness. 

“I should’ve done it before,” he mumbles. Lips on lips. He has been inside you a few moments ago and numerous times before that, but you swear he has never been this close. “Should’ve kissed you when I’ve seen you cry that day. Should’ve kissed you when you undid my hair before we went to sleep that very first night. Should’ve fucking known I liked you all this time.”

Salty sad tears draw pretty patterns on your face and you choke on sobs, too overwhelmed, too shocked and so desperately confused. All the thinking process in you comes to a halt - blame it on your tipsiness, tiredness or early hours of the morning - and you shake your head, hands reaching out to Ran, clutching onto him. 

You are contradicting yourself and you know that. But you can’t think what’s more disappointing: that you are uncontrollable or that you don’t believe that Ran likes you. He is made of white lies. Always have been and yet you choose want need to trust him. 

In the clouds of white sheets and duvets he rolls to his side and brings you closer. With one swift strong motion he throws your leg over his hip so even air can’t come between your bodies. He wipes at your face and the uncharacteristic patience and understanding he shows you, are enough for you to peck his lips. He smiles against them, into the kiss, and it’s sincere. 

“Don’t want you to cry,” he whispers. “Especially over me. I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

Hand on your waist, Ran nuzzles up to you, his nose brushing over yours and you surrender. 

You fall to pieces. 

“Only wanted to say how I feel. Would’ve done it before if it wasn’t so hard to understand. Why when it’s real it’s so hard to realise you are in love with someone?” 

Leaning your forehead on his, you sniffle, but you aren’t sad anymore and you don’t cry. It’s a light grey feeling that envelopes you and if it means that this is what Ran Haitani’s love feels like you are okay with it. You accept it. 

"It wasn’t hard for me," you say, and Ran reclines back, taking you in, his head and heart full of you.

“What?” “I said it wasn’t hard for me to understand how I feel about you.” He grins then and he looks so boyish, so happy, so content your heart explodes, its broken fragments piercing through his chest to fill up cracks in him where nothing could before. 

This time, when Ran kisses you, his fingers caressing your jaw, you respond to him. It’s shy and testing at first, but soon it gets sloppy and it’s wet and messy and lots of tongue. It’s so so so good you don’t need him to get you ready and you don’t need a lot of time to come undone again. 

Again and again and again. 

xvi.

It’s been weeks since Rindou’s birthday party and by the mouth pressed into thin line and grumpy hooded eyes that Rindou only has with Ran, he can tell that his brother has a lot of questions that burn him on the inside. 

However Rindou doesn’t ask them and Ran would never feed his brother’s pride by responding to them before he was even interrogated. That it’s going to be an interrogation he doesn’t doubt for a split second. Glares and muttering Rindou provides Ran every time they are in the same room are enough to guess. It’s late November when Rindou finally snaps. 

Ran is putting on his black boots he bought a few days ago in Harajuku after getting his hair done when the burning sensation on the back of his head intensifies. It’s a little after eight and he is worried he is going to be late to pick you up from the practice. Earlier today, you agreed to meet at nine thirty. If Rindou holds him for more than three minutes he won’t be there on time and while Ran is always late he hates to be late to you. 

Dressed in all black - black hakama, black button up and black socks - Rindou reminds Ran of a kid who pretends he is into fashion, but can only mix and match black clothes and even that isn't given since Ran can clearly see that Rindou’s hakama is slightly darker than his t-shirt. He bites a smile, averting his eyes from Rindou so he won’t notice the playfulness that spills from him. Of course, Rindou does notice. 

Of course, he groans and Ran can only imagine what names his little brother has called him inside his head. 

"What don’t you like about my outfit this time?” Rindou spreads his hands across his freshly ironed clothes and places them on his hips. He looks down at himself, but Ran is sure that no matter how much he tries, he'll never understand. Finally, he raises his now angry eyes and looks at the smiling Ran. “Is it my pants?”

“No.” 

“Then what is it? I can tell you think there’s something wrong with it.” 

Orange sun paints their apartment in a pretty peach colour. It licks at Rindou’s blonde hair and he is even more handsome than he usually is. Ran looks at him, while he stands before him frustrated, angry and lost, and in this moment he knows he won’t ever forgive himself if he wrongs his younger brother. He doesn’t remember when Rindou became so big and how his shoulders are even broader than Ran’s are and he for sure missed a moment when Rindou started dating, but he will never forget this particular moment. 

When Rindou is twenty and sunset kisses his existence. 

“The hakama colour doesn’t match with the button up.” 

“Oh.” Rindou's fingers circle around the collar of the blouse, and now he isn’t just lost, angry, and frustrated, but also self-conscious and lonely.

As an older brother Ran has - always had and always will - many responsibilities. To provide, to keep safe, to care and to love. To spare from the misery of unknowingness. Never to betray. 

And that’s why, this time, Ran gives in. He kneels down to tie his left boot and answers a question that wasn’t asked but was thought. “Yes, I am going to see her, and then I’ll take her to eat whatever she wants today. We might take a walk right after dinner or go straight to 7-Eleven and buy her favorite pudding and that stupid pizza-flavored snack she likes so much. I’ve grown to like it too by now. It isn’t too bad. Anyway, when we are inside her apartment, I’ll start kissing her the second I close the door behind us, and we’ll probably take it to the shower, and after the shower, to her bed. If she doesn’t fall asleep immediately, we’ll eat, and in the morning…”

“Does she let you eat on her bed?” 

Done with his laces, Ran raises up, he blinks at his brother, and a shit-eating grin spreads on his face. “Well, yes, she does. Always. Why?”

“Really?!” Under the circled tinted glasses, Rindou blinks a couple of times. “She gave me and Haruchiyo a lecture about how we can’t eat in bed. How are you supposed to sleep with crumbs under your asses? You absolutely shouldn’t eat in bed. Especially you, Rindou. You always spill the sauce.”

The imitation of your voice is pretty accurate. Down to the intonation and pauses you do when you are speaking and Ran can’t help, but laugh. His brother does know you well. It’s a pang in his heart. He can’t translate it into words. 

“I guess she just likes you more than us,” concludes Rindou. He adjusts his glasses and points at the pile of shoes by the door, leaving no room for Ran to contradict. Rindou blurts out almost immediately, “YSL or Yamamoto boots? What do you think?”

They settle on the Japanese designer, because Ran claims the European vibe doesn’t really suit Rindou. He also doesn’t change the button-up and it’s been more than three minutes. 

The sky is a deep blue, borderline black, when they enter Itabashi area. The roads are unusually empty for this time of the day and a few stars appear each time it darkens one shade more. Today the world is very beautiful and Ran hopes on his way back it still will be so you can see it yourself too. These floating lights, rich colours and street lamps with their alien light. 

“I don’t think she likes me more, Rin,” Ran's voice breaks the absolute silence that reigns within the car. The engine of Ran’s Honda continues its song, undisturbed and infinite. “Our significance for her is different. And not on the scale of lesser to greater.”

Beside him in the passenger seat, Rindou stretches, his palms hitting the roof of the car. “Honestly? I could kinda tell you were always into each other. All this bickering, sneak glances, accidental touches. And you never once forgot her birthday in three years. Don’t know why I was so surprised she started to smell like you in the summer.”

“Smell like me?” Despite them being on the road Ran turns his head to the left and stares at his brother. “What does it even mean?” To that Rindou never responds. He shrugs as if he never said what he just said and Ran’s curiosity remains a hungry fox. 

In less than twenty minutes they’ll reach you. They both wonder if you will wait for them outside and if not, who of them should come pick you up from the studio. 

“Can we stay at our place today? We can invite Haru, Kaku and maybe Senju over? Would be nice to watch something and eat. I think the DVD rental next to us should be still open.” 

Loneliness, myriads of sparkling little fireflies, illuminate the space between Ran and Rindou, and Ran bumps his brother on the shoulder with his fist, playfully but not too strongly. He communicates to him, "I am always here. I always will be." Then he suggests, “Of course. Shoot them a message. Say the food is on us, but if they want to drink something, they should bring it themselves.”

A huge toothy smile appears on Rindou’s face and that’s how Ran knows his brother understands that love is never divided between people. It’s shared and fed in equal amounts. Just differently. 

“Oh. And mention that if anyone is to crash at our place they might be ready to hear a few whimpers here and there.” 

With his eyes already on the phone, fingers typing away messages to their friends, Rindou raises his head and gives his brother a disgusted look. "What?"

“Your friend is awfully loud in bed. That’s what I am saying.” 

“Gross. Stop the car.” Ran laughs and when he catches Rindou’s smiling, shaking his head in a what-a-bastard way, he laughs some more. The firefly of loneliness is dead by now.

More cars pass them on the highway and nothing feels real. 

xvii.

The park near their house is not that grand as the park you always stop by after Ryou’s parties, but it has a small square playground and that’s all you need. 

Three bags with snacks and cup noodles are forgotten on the bench. Half of the goods lay scattered on the ground, but neither you or Rindou pay much attention to it. You probably haven’t even noticed it yet. Too busy laughing and enjoying yourself. 

It was - of course - your idea to stop by and play. Just for a little, you said, tugging Rindou by the sleeve of his black puffer. Inside the park it’s dark. The lit lamps here and there are the bonbori ones and while they already aren’t the brightest, the shadows of trees absorb whatever lights they illuminate. If Rindou wasn’t Rindou he would find this place creepy. The desertness of it due to the hour only intensifies the feeling. 

But you are happy before him as you sit on the swings swaying back and forth. You laugh loudly and when he drugs you by your waist to the roundabout you scream at him to set you free so loud people in houses nearby might think he wants to murder you. None calls the police though or comes outside so in your wail they might have heard merriness, the same Rindou did. They probably think it’s teenagers in love fooling around.

But you are not teenagers and you aren’t in love.  And that’s what you tell Rindou when you push him into the huge metal circle with holes in it. He does his best to imagine what child game this surrealistic installation serves, but nothing comes to mind. 

"Rindou, I am sorry," your whisper echoes inside the metal walls like an arrow. "I should have told you from the beginning."

"It's alright," he murmurs back instantly. It should be the other way around, you comforting him, but it is not.

"I just think I really, really, really love Ran, and that's why I couldn't tell you."

The confession sits heavy on both of you and the tension made of substantial marine ropes hangs around your necks. In the dark Rindou can’t see you, but he can imagine you playing with your fingers or biting your cheek. Too full of emotions and pregnant with spilled secrets. He knows you too well and you know him well too, so when he outstretches his arm and his hand falls into your, you both giggle. 

“Like I feel bad for not telling you, but I couldn’t help it. He is your brother. I was too shy to tell you. I still am.” 

"You aren't making any sense," he puffs, suddenly sounding a bit angry or maybe tired. Perhaps both. "One second you are declaring you love my brother, and then you say you are bashful about it. It doesn't make any sense." Your hold around his fingers tightens, and he throws his head back, leaning against the cold metal. It would be good to feel its bitter licks against his naked skin, to sober up, jolt back to you, away from his illusions and disappointments. But then, he thinks, even if you threw him into cold Antarctic waters, with your gentle hand in his, he could never be cold. That's why he softly adds, "And I've already told you. It's alright. No matter how I feel about it."

"And how do you feel about it, Rindou?" Instead of sounding bitter or disappointed or angry, you sound mellow and kind. You sound like everything you shouldn't. "I want to know."

When he speaks, it's not what you wanted to hear, but that's all he could say to you now. Or ever. "Ran is my brother, and if something happens, it's him I am going to choose. I want you to know that."

The last sentence is a regretful hum. Barely audible, but still evident. He clutches his eyes shut and holds his breath. What he said to you hurts him badly enough to have them closed forever and he supposes it’s painful for you too. He hopes it doesn’t hurt you as much as it does him. And he is glad it’s really dark in here so you can’t see his shattered heart. 

In an ideal world you’d run away from him or at least be angry. You really should be. He gave you all the reasons too. He desperately wishes for your fury so it eases his turmoils - so he can be mad at you too -  but it never comes. Instead, you fall in his arms and wrap your hands around his shoulders. You breathe him in and smile into his neck. This world, this version of you and him, and everything you are are too far from ideal.  He loves it too.  He loves you. 

“I know that. And I know that you know that it’s okay. I’ll never blame you for choosing Ran and I’ll never leave your side. It’s not even a choice, Rindou. He is literally your brother. Your other half and your only family.” 

“You feel like family too.” 

The walk back to their apartment is mostly silent. Hand in hand, you stroll through the dark alleys of Roppongi that you both know so well, each of you thinking about each other. But thoughts can’t hurt anymore. Not after that small significant moment in the kids playground. Rindou can’t exactly pinpoint what happened, but something did. Was it what you said? Was it what he said? Or perhaps it’s the hug or clasped hands that took the weight from his heart away and glued its torn pieces back together. 

And by the time you are actually inside the apartment, when everyone is already there and waiting for you, Rindou is calm and the part that constantly worried and kept him high on his toes is gone, he doesn’t even remember what it was like to live with it. It’s like he is another person, reborn and better. Still the same Rindou just maybe a tiny bit freer and the sparks in his eyes are shining with new light, new colour, not the absence of it. 

So, when you enter the apartment and you take your shoes off and Ran who meets you by the door notices blood stains on your white socks [a never ending battle between new shoes and dancers] and he scolds you for not telling him earlier that your feet hurt while scooping you away, Rindou doesn’t worry. Nor for your feet. Nor for the ease with which you follow his older brother to the bathroom. Instead, he joins Haruchiyo and Senju who are already there in the living room. Together, they sort out the food you got in the 7-Eleven. For the most part, it’s silent, the TV is off and the door to the bathroom remains open. Rindou can’t see you and neither can Haru or Senju, but they hear you just fine. They hear the water running down and how patiently Ran instructs you to put your feet with socks on in the warm water. He then explains you how they mother and later he himself used to do the same to Rindou when he was little and his new pair of shoes would hurt him so bad, blisters became bloody mess that stuck to fabric of his socks and unless you wanted little Rindou to scream and cry and tear the skin and meat off him, you’d need to soak his feet in the warm water. This way it won’t hurt at all and Ran, assures you, he never wants you to hurt at all. 

In the middle of this conversation Ran also points out that when Rindou was really small he always had socks with Super Mario print on them and if they were ruined for good, he would cry so hard, you’d think someone had died. To that Rindou rolls his eyes and Haru openly laughs, mouthing a silent really? And when Rindou nods, Haru laughs some more and shakes his head in pure amusement. If he or Senju catch on to something they don’t show it or maybe they knew all along, reading into sudden tenderness between you and Ran quicker than Rindou had. At this point, it’s all in the past. He doesn’t care. 

The indifference remains when Ran makes you take a shower and dresses you in his clothes. His brother stays the same and you despite looking too adorable in Ran’s old loose black t-shirt, too are the same you were before. You still bite your cheek and you still sit between Rindou and Haruchiyo, leaning your head against Haru’s shoulder. 

And yet, the stoic callousness Rindou has been experiencing through the whole evening, evaporates when Ran finds you sitting on the floor by the ceiling to floor window. The white letters that form actors and crew names flow inside the screen of their Panasonic Viera and the light in the room hasn’t been turned on yet. The boxes of instant ramen are left on the floor around the sofa and armchair. The air still smells like chicken and miso. Next to him Haru stretches in his place and yawns. Rindou is too exhausted - mentally and physically equally - but he doesn’t want to go to sleep yet. Today was different, but pleasant all the same. He doesn’t want this day to end. That’s why when Shion, who came along with Kakucho just after you were done with your shower, starts his usual post-movie banter about the hidden philosophy behind the story you just watched, Rindou happily joins, effortlessly lurking into the conversation. It’s then, in the middle of the heated argument that Rindou tries to justify his judging of the poor choice that the main character made in favour of her lover other than her career that he finally takes in consideration the vacant place to his left. He wanted to ask you what you think, what would’ve you done if you were to choose between your dream job and your boyfriend. 

But you aren’t beside him and Rindou hadn’t noticed when you disappeared or why. 

The confusion on his face must be evident because Kakucho who sits opposite him grins and with his chin points at something behind Rindou’s back. He doesn’t really need to turn his head and see for himself what’s going on. Kakucho’s happy mischievous eyes tell him all there’s to know. 

But he does turn and he does see you and Ran talking in low voices in front of the dark night and myriads of small lights of someone else’s lives. The whole room falls silent then and in this short pause Rindou remembers how you once told him that those windows are your favourite place to be in their apartment. 

It’s like you are alone in this wild wild world, but never lonely. Just how many people live in Tokyo. Isn’t it crazy we are part of them? Do you think they think about us too sometimes? 

You must be telling Ran exactly the same thing or something along those lines you shared with Rindou years ago. His eyes shift into two slits and he smiles at you. Softly. Fondly. Lovingly. His hand rises to your face, caressing it gently, thumbs ghosting over your jaw. The closing credits end and the TV blazes with white colour so bright it lights up the whole living room and bits of kitchen. But no one seems to care. Everyone watches Ran leaning into you and planting a kiss to your lips. It’s sweet and familiar. It holds something sacred that no one in the room even after witnessing it would understand. It’s beyond everyone. 

"You mean to tell me that when I asked for her number and Ran told me she’s seeing someone, that someone was him?" Fully confused, a cloud settles over Shion’s scrunched face. "What a fucking bastard. He should have just told me she was his."

At that, Kakucho laughs and shoves his elbow between Shion’s ribs, then winks at Rindou whose cheeks are now burning red. “Some things aren’t that easy to voice, Shi. Especially when it comes to love. It’s not like Ran would’ve come up to us for love advice. Don’t be ridiculous.”

Shion hums in agreement, still seemingly perplexed at the sudden revelation. It’s not clear whether he even understood Kakucho’s comment.

“And besides, you'd be a moron to think that Ran wasn’t seeing someone,” Kakucho adds, resting his head against the back of the love seat armchair. He closes his sly eyes and bites his lower lip to hide a smile.

“Why is that?” Shion asks, obviously believing that "the moron" comment was directed at him. He turns his head to the left, looking at Kakucho, who cracks his right eye open. The playful smirk is still on Kakucho's lips.

“Because when that little bimbo girl that Ran was going crazy about made a move on him in the club, he rejected her.”

“Which girl? When?” It's clear that Shion doesn't remember the incident, and neither do Rindou, Haruchiyo, or Senju. They all eagerly wait for Kakucho's explanation, but he remains silent.

The tease that he is, he only opens his mouth after finishing his can of Coca-Cola.

“I don’t remember her name, but I think it was written with the kanji for 'blue.' She kept mentioning it to Ran. Like, 'Don’t you think it’s pretty? Don’t you like it? You said you liked it before,'” it's evident that reminiscing about this is quite painful for Kakucho, and Rindou genuinely pities him. He hates Ran's fickleness. He hates Aoki Ogura even more, even if she was never one of the girls he slept with.

That it’s her Kakucho is  speaking about Rindou has no doubts whatsoever. 

“Oh, well. It’s not like Ran had ever liked a decent girl. They were always so fucking annoying. Remember the one that barged into the classroom for him to talk things out?” 

Down the memory lane they go, and Rindou barely listens to them anymore. There’s nothing new for him to hear. He too became a victim of Ran’s romantic encounters. [If you can call them as such, because besides sleeping once and never again, Ran and those girls had literally nothing going on]. 

“Our baby isn’t annoying,” eyes lidded from tiredness Haruchiyo whines, invisibly tugging Rindou by the hair out from his thoughts. Kakucho and Shion too turn at him, slight surprise on their face and Haruchiyo groans seemingly disturbed that he would need to elaborate. “My baby isn’t annoying or something. She is the best and Ran actually really really really likes her. So don’t say he never liked a decent girl, cause my baby is the best and Ran loves her very much.” 

The trip in Haruchiyo words is intentional and that’s how everyone knows he is being sincere. No one argues and Rindou pats his shoulder, agreeing. 

You are the very best. 

And, yes, his brother likes you a lot. Loves, even. 

xviii.

This January is awfully rainy and Haruchiyo thinks it fucking sucks. 

Not because of the dampness and the cold, but because he can’t light a cigarette outside on the campus and instead needs to smoke in the clamped smelly toilets. Observing the rain, he actually likes it since he’s been a little kid, from the circled window adds little to the pleasure of inhaling the fog into his lungs. 

At this point he might as well give up on smoking. 

In slow deliberate motions he pulls the pack out of his trousers and cracks it open counting the cigarettes. He places a bet that if it’s more than seven he won’t give up and if it’s less than that then maybe his smoker habit will end now. 

Eleven cigarettes look back at him and he smiles, kisses the pack and slips it back into the pocket. 

Today is his lucky day. 

“Knew I’d find you in here.” Across the bathroom scrawls a harsh slap of the door and Rindou barges in. His blonde hair disheveled and wet from the rain. He doesn’t need to tell him that he’s been outside a mere second ago. There’s a grave coldness from his damp coat and his heart. Haruchiyo squints his eyes and decides, almost certain, that you two haven’t talked yet. 

“I assume you haven’t talked yet,” as always straightforward Haruchiyo doesn’t wait for Rindou to bring up the topic. 

He dives in without a single pint of hesitation. He cocks his head and laughs when Rindou shakes his head an affirmative ‘no’. 

In between those two weeks you haven’t spoken with one another, it seems like nothing much really changed. When it comes to you Rindou still loses his ability to speak coherently. He still lowers his head down and looks at the floor. This time he also steals a cigarette from Haruchiyo’s “Hope”. The irony in seeing Rindou clutching to a literal hope in his hands would be funny, if this irony wasn’t a suffocating pool of your tears and sour expression.  

So he doesn’t laugh. Haruchiyo suffocates. 

For just a little while he needs to talk about something else and that’s why he recites to Rindou who now sits on the low windowsill about the bet he had earlier with the cigarettes. Any other day, they would laugh at it so hard and Rindou would tease him so badly, the back of their throats would hurt them from saying too much and talking too loudly. But not now. 

Now Rindou just cracks a smirk and crashes the cigarette between his fingers. The white paper snapping in two. 

Then, he is back to you. [Like always.]

“Is she alright?” Is all he asks. 

Any other day Haruchiyo would tease him, but not today. Not now when his best friend is grayer than the clouds outside in the sky. 

“Caught her crying yesterday while she was making us tonkatsu. Said she’s fine and it’s just onion.” 

“There wasn’t any onion?” 

“Bingo,” Haruchiyo puts the cigarette out, pressing its flame against the white wall. There’s quite a few fading black spots of the same size around the surface indicating he’s been here before. 

“I miss her,” the confession slips out of Rindou’s mouth effortlessly and easily, but the dead weight in his chest doesn’t lessen. It hurts all the same. “I can’t talk to her though. I mean I am totally on Ran’s side. How could she believe her out of all people? I swear if that little bitch told me she fucked Ran I would’ve never believer her.” 

And that’s a lie and they both know it. 

“She haven’t told her she fucked Ran. She’s been whispering about it with Misa when my baby was there practising. She made sure she heard that and then she added he called her little love while he was balls deep inside her. Of course it hurt. Fictional or not.” 

Rindou sighs, banging his head against the window, drops of rain chaotically sliding down. “No doubt, but Ran told me nothing of the sort happened. Besides, he hasn't seen Aoki in a while. Ran might be Ran, but this is not a thing he would do.” “Then, he should’ve explained himself properly,” Haruchiyo retorts, his smart eyes peering into Rindou. “One text and no visits screams to me as a lack of interest.” “He is just too prideful and it’s not like it’s easy on him too. All he does is sleep, eating and beating the shit out of me. Yesterday he snapped because I put soya sauce in the fridge and apparently you don’t store it there. There’s a cupboard for it,” the mocking comes out perfectly and Haruchiyo cracks a smile. He spots a light purple colour he hasn’t noticed before on Rindou's cheek and presses his lip into the thin line. Smile evaporating from his face. Again, it’s gloomy. “You know, Haru, I might try to talk to her on the day of the showcase. I am quite positive Ran might come around by then too. We can go celebrate it at Shabuan then. Yeah. That’s what we do.” Your showcase is five days from now and Haruchiyo doubts much will change and yet he hopes. And so he nods, gathers his things from the floor and hugging Rindou by the shoulders leads him to the dining hall. After smoking he is always hungry. 

Just a day before your grand performance Haruchiyo stops by your apartment and spends the night. 

All you do is talk and it’s light and enjoyable and for the first time this month his heart stings a pretty pain. And that’s why, desping knowing, it’s wrong and the time is not right [but when is it right?] he mentions that Rindou is coming tomorrow to see you. 

The brief glint of joy that lights up your eyes doesn’t escape him. But it’s there for a mere second and then you are you again. Without Rindou or Ran in your life. 

“Tell him to stay in the back then. He would distract me with his stupid face and I want everything to go smoothly tomorrow,” he knows you are only half joking and he makes a point to actually hold Rindou at the back. But then it won’t do any good, because you’ll stumble upon him in the crowd anyway. You two could never escape each other and Haruchiyo feels slightly jealous. Then, you add, in a whisper. “It might be my last year at the university after all.” 

It’s a slip up on your side because your eyes go wide and you stare at him and then hurriedly you sprint to the bathroom and stay there for seventeen minutes and when you come out you say you are going to sleep. Tomorrow is a big day after all. 

Patient and sweet, Haruchiyo nods and takes a step forward, lurching you into a big hug. He kisses the crown of your head and feels you tremble in his arms. You might think he is someone else, but he is not, and he leans back, looking at you with a genuine kind smile that screams at you you are home and whatever you do I’m right here. 

He knows he doesn’t need to say anything and yet he does. “Whatever you do or say it’s right to me. If you want to drop out then be it. If you want to switch majors or change universities be it. Mhm? Now, go rest and do your best tomorrow. I'll be right there and so will be Rin.” 

You nod at him and disappear to your bedroom. Back in time, you would always share the bed, but today there’s a pillow and a blanket on the sofa and it’s been almost three weeks since you’ve been with Ran and yet you still have his claim over you. 

Hands on his tummy Haruchiyo lies on your sofa. Green plant with wide leaves tickles his feet and he stands up to move it aside. He wonders if even one night Ran spent on his couch and he laughs to himself at this absurd thought. 

Of course not. Ran’s place is by your side. Body is made of muscles, flesh and skin, Haruchiyo thinks, blood and bones. Hair and nails. 

But not yours. 

Yours is made of Ran touches and his presence. His sweet words and loving stares. 

It probably eats you alive on the nights when he is not with you. On those days you are restless and tired and lonely and your body is burning and your mind is tortured. On those days you think, you think, you think and there’s no end to it. No salvation and no easiness. No ice pressed to the wound. Nothing. Just you and black absence of Ran and what he is. 

Today is such a day and it hurts you and Haruchiyo drowns in your pain as nothing more exists in your small apartment in Nippori. 

On the day of the showcase it’s snowing. The world is white and very beautiful. 

Despite it being awfully cold Haruchiyo is only wearing a thin leather jacket Senju got him for his eighteenth birthday years ago. It’s his favourite. Under it is a thick navy sweater. This too is a gift, but from you. A spontaneous one. You said to him you got it because it reminded you of him. How and why you associated it with him is a mystery. He never asked you. But he likes it no less than the leather jacket. 

He is wearing them both today. 

When Rindou comes in, cheeks red from cold and hair messy from running down the hall, he is afraid he missed your performance. 

“The road was so fucking slippery and Ran wasn’t home so I used my Kawasaki to get here,” Rindou explains in a hushed whisper. 

“Does Ran know today is the showcase day?” 

Before replying, Rindou rolls his eyes. The question is a bit stupid, Haruchiyo agrees. Ran knows everything about you. “Of course he does. And I told him about the dinner too, but he hasn’t said a thing back which is a good sign. He might actually come. I was hoping he would be here already, but I guess you haven’t seen him.” 

Haruchiyo shakes his head. He hasn’t seen Ran here and when he parked his own Kawasaki - a model just below Rindou’s -  he didn't see Ran’s car everywhere. Not that he looked specifically for it so it might be that he just hadn’t noticed it. 

The conversation between them is cut short, because you appear on the stage. There’s no music yet. Just a red draped curtain behind you and a circle of light in which you stand. All eyes are on you, but it seems like no one notices the slight shaking of your right hand that is raised in the air. Nor do they see your wobbly legs. 

The music plays and you start to dance. This time, unlike last year, you don’t have a costume on. It’s your usual practising attire that you wear. A leotard and shorts. And Haruchiyo wonders if it’s meant to be that way. He squints his eyes and tries to convey what your dance is about, but he can’t understand a thing. It confuses him because never before did that ever happen. 

Haruchiyo blinks and turns to Rindou. [He believes Rindou always understood you better. Which isn’t true at all. He just tries harder.]

“What the fuck is going on?” Is all he says. 

“She’s hurting. Physically. Something is hurting her, but… It’s her feet. Shit! Haru, we need to stop it. She’s hurting herself.” 

The broken clock inside Haruchiyo clicks and all the gears fall into their right place. For once he gets it. The strange outfit, the mannerism, the simplicity of it all and the absence of everything. The blood on your feet and wet stains you leave after yourself. 

In the second row someone is sick. The small girlish voice shouts something that couldn't be heard under the weight of your performance. No one can tear their eyes away from you and even Rindou who was so eager to help you stays frozen to the place. 

Cruelty and violence are always marvelling. It’s in their ugly beauty that people find themselves. 

It ends as quickly as it started. 

The girl from the second row marshes through the open door to the safety of the halls and Haruchiyo recognizes in her Aoki Ogura. He notices her crying red face, but does nothing to stop her. There’s guilt evident in her scared eyes and Haruchiyo hopes she suffocates in it. The last thing he hears from her is her throwing up somewhere down the corridor. He wonders if she’s embarrassed. For what she did to you and for the pool of acid that somebody will clear up for her lately. 

The light is on and the music is off when you take your dance shoes off and shake them in the air. The broken glass and razors waterfall to the floor and you smile widely. Almost insanely. Your mouth quivers as if you want to say something, but at last you don’t. You place your shoes soaked with blood in the middle of the stage and bow. Then you leave. Then Rindou takes off and latches himself onto the dean of the Univercity. His beige coat covers them both as he strikes the old man in the face. Once. Twice. Thrice. No one is stopping him. 

Everyone is still staring at your shoes. 

The night is dark and the snow is still falling when Haruchiyo finds you splayed out on the asphalt in the middle of the parking lot. 

For a mere moment he stops and he feels like the whole world stops too. It’s silent as he paints the image of you laying on the ground with a thin white veil hugging your body that reminds him too much of cerements. 

The image is sorrowful and it’s beautiful. Like you, this night and bloody snow. 

Your wounds are still open and bleeding. 

“What on Earth were you thinking?” As always Haruchiyo isn’t harsh or reprimanding you.

He isn’t Rindou to scold you for your stupidities and he isn’t Ran to worry about you more than he needs to just because you are you. Haruchiyo loves you in a special way where he doesn’t try much, but gives you everything anyway. 

“I just wanted them to see what I am,” you utter, cracking your eyes open. “Just wanted them to know I am enough. No glass or razors can stop me.” There’s something else you aren’t saying, but Haruchiyo knows what it is already. He kneels down to you and a smile on his face matches yours. Tired, but triumphant. 

“Art is a beautiful form of expression, isn’t it?” The question is rhetoric and he isn’t expecting you to answer him so he takes a deep breath and takes your hand in his. A mere reassurance and everything beyond it. “Now, let’s get you to the hospital. Gotta make sure you are okay.” ‘Thank you, Haru.” 

“Anytime, love.” The night is dark and beautiful and full of light that shines right through you and those you care about. 

Since early childhood Haruchiyo hated hospitals. 

He hated the lethargic smell, the richness of white colour everywhere and apologetic gazes of the stuff. Blunt himself he couldn’t stand the half-said truth and insincere apologies. He avoided hospitals like plague. And maybe if Rindou wasn’t so occupied with getting his anger out on the dean, he wouldn’t have taken you there himself, instead handing this task to Rindou. 

But here he is. An hour later with you submitted and Rindou in the emergency care getting his broken nose checked. Doctors said he might need a cast. Haruchiyo can barely picture Rindou with a white cast across his face, but he laughs nonetheless. He doubts it will cut the girls off Rindou though. The last time he got into a fight - on your behalf again - and had bruises all over his face, every single girl at university had fallen in love with him. Thus, if they weren’t in love with him before. 

Haitani curse. 

So, Haruchiyo really really really doubts the cast will scare anyone. 

More time passes and then Rindou joins him in the waiting area. Without cast, but with a plaster across his handsome face. Haruchiyo grins at the sight and Rindou elbows him between his ribs. Not hard. Playfully. 

All the anger gone from his being. 

As they wait for the news on your condition they stay silent. Each thinking of you, but probably in very different contexts. It’s only fair as you were never the same for them. Stagnancy and constancy were never your forte. You are the best at evolving, moving and… dancing. 

The doctor leads them both to your appointed room. He is a handsome male in his early thirties and he is very to the point when he says that you will be okay and that they cleaned your wounds and bandaged them and that you will need to do the same procedure for at least two weeks until you are fully healed. Some cuts were too deep, he mentions, if they weren’t it wouldn’t take so long. He mentions that you also needed stitches on your left sole, but it’s too nothing to worry about and you don’t need to get them taken off at the hospital, they will dissolve with time. 

He tells all that under three minutes that it takes him to guide boys to your room. He opens the door and hastily adds that today you will need to stay here, but tomorrow you can probably go home. Probably. If the blood that they drew from you is good and there’s no infections. 

The chances for that are low. Don’t worry. And with that he is gone. 

On the huge medical bed with both your bandaged feet poking out of the thick duvet you look almost comical. Haruchiyo wants to say just that, but notices how your eyes widen and mouth hangs open and then your arms are open, inviting Rindou for a hug. In his hold you cry. 

“I am so sorry,” you repeat again and again. 

It’s a loud mantra, a plea, and Haruchiyo isn’t that sure it’s intended solely to Rindou.

“You shouldn’t be. It’s okay. I am glad you are okay. I am so fucking glad you are fine.” But Rindou can’t peel himself off you and Haruchiyo understands why. He understands why your fingers are in his blonde hair and why your tears salten his cheek; why you can’t pull yourself away from his comfort.  

He doesn’t interrupt. He lets you soak in Rindou and lets Rindou enjoy the feeling of your warm skin. The sight is quite usual to him - you and Rindou, and Haruchiyo to have always been very touchy among each other - but there’s something new, something raw and therefore incredibly sincere between your bodies that attracts his attention. 

He feels like he is intruding so he turns away and walks to the window. The snow is still falling and the night is quite dark, but in the parking lot he can see Ran’s white Honda that stands proudly under the light of the streetlamp and his mouth stretches into a knowing smile. Haruchiyo closes his eyes thinking that what were the odds of your windows facing the fucking parking lot.

Life, it seems, is full of sweet coincidences and their outcomes.

“Honestly, I was half expecting my brother to get expelled at one point, but you, love? Never.” 

Ran’s voice is sweet with just a tinge of mocking to it. Only he can speak like that. Haruchiyo is a firm believer no one in the whole world can insult you and charm you at the same time as well as Ran can. 

And then it’s you and Haruchiyo doesn’t need to turn around and open his eyes to see how you slowly pull away from Rindou. How you close off for a second, eyes going wide as if you witnessed the most vile horror. How your lips tremble and how your whole body melts. How you pick yourself up and notice the soft gaze that Ran reserves only for those he loves. How he looks at you and no one else. 

How you understand once again what it means and how you fall into Ran again. How you love him and how he loves you. 

Love is yet a foreign concept to Haruchiyo and he hates hospitals, but he thinks he understands. 

He doesn’t need to see to feel it all. 

“I was dropping out anyway,” you confess. “What’s in the bag?” 

“Purin daifuku, those pizza chips, Pocky and soda.” 

“You didn’t bring anything for us?” If Rindou tries to hide the fact that he is a bit offended, he does it poorly. 

“No, I didn’t. You can’t stay here for the night anyway.” Ran says in his usual calm tone. Then he addresses you. “I asked if I could take you home today, but they told me we need to wait for the results till morning. Stupid if you’d ask me. But I’ll keep you company. You both can go now.” 

Under different circumstances Haruchiyo would have argued with Ran. Just for the sake of it. But right now, when he turns around and sees Ran sitting on your bed, his long hair down, head resting against yours as he holds both of your hands in his, all the words die in his throat. 

But not Rindou’s. His best friend seems agitated. “What do you mean? Why can’t we stay and you can?” “Only close family and such can stay with a patient overnight. If I were you I wouldn’t be worried about that, but about an ugly bruise that’s gonna appear on your face tomorrow. You better go home and apply that Kobayashi cream we have. Works like a miracle.” 

“Since when are you her close family?” Deliberately Rindou ignores Ran’s warnings, latching onto what he wants to know. “Okay. Let’s go, Rin.” Haruchiyo grabs Rindou by his elbow and pulls him towards the door. “We’ll see you both tomorrow.”

When Haruchiyo closes the door behind him he catches the last glimpse of you and Ran. For a split moment that will forever float between those walls of the patient room, he sees Ran leaning closer to you. He watches as his fingers brush across your jaw and your breath hitch. Ran smiles at you and his smile is so gentle, so loving, so comforting and reassuring. Haruchiyo understands why you were hurting so much when Ran wasn’t with you. He finally understands the longing. 

And yet, the smile is nothing compared to the way he looks at you. The pure raw affection he reserves just for you, that was never and will never be spent on anybody else, excludes Haruchiyo fastly and sharply. He is not needed there. No one is. 

He closes the door and sighs. Maybe hospitals aren't that awful after all. 

The thin paper doesn’t do much to prevent their asses from freezing. It was Rindou’s idea - a bad one - to lay down a thick layer of newspaper he spotted in the reception room on the parapet so they could sit on it and share a cigarette before deciding what to do next. Now it got all soggy from the snow and brought more wetness. It was like sitting in a dirty puddle. 

But the view from here was quite serene and a cigarette pleasantly burnt their throats so none of them moved. Before them was a highway and each passing car passed so fast from where they were it looked like it flew in the air. Their tires high in the sky, the lights guiding beacons. It reminded Haruchiyo of a sci-fi movie Takeomi once rented at a DVD store near their old flat. Title and plot of it was completely forgotten, but finding himself in a similar scenery brought back the unusual feeling of childish excitement. Something new was before them and Haruchiyo couldn’t wait for it. 

“Don’t you feel a bit sad?” Asked Rindou breaking the silence. 

Haruchiyo expected this question and even though he was thinking of the perfect answer for it for a while nothing right came to his head. Maybe there’s questions and problems that will never be solved and maybe that’s okay. Maybe not everything needs to be perfectly in order. 

“Don’t we always feel a bit sad?” The cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth Haruchiyo turned around and looked at his best friend. “Wouldn’t it be a boring plain world if we were happy all the time?” Rindou shrugs. Between the snowflakes and lights from the hospital windows he looks exceptionally beautiful. “I wouldn’t mind being happy all the time.”

“You only think so, Rin. And anyway it’s not like she’s gone. She’s still our best friend and will always be this. You were stupid to not talk to her. Now that you finally made up I can finally tell you that.” 

Haruchiyo laughs. His laugh is dry, but sincere. The bark he produces would suit a gangster way more than it suits him now, but maybe under the layer of time and all possible varieties that is our life somewhere out there he is one. 

Everything is possible and nothing is sure. 

“And don’t you think Ran always kinda liked her? I thought that it might be because she’s your best friend that he is attentive to her, but now that I am thinking about it I am not really sure.” 

Rindou takes off his fogged up glasses and reaches Haruchiyo to wipe them with the sweater you bought. He sighs. “Well, yeah. I mean Ran isn't a douchebag to other girls, but he was extra nice with her. I wonder when he understood it. She told me they spent a lot of time together during summer. So it probably happened then.”

“Probably.” Not that it matters now, Haruchiyo wants to add, but doesn’t. Instead, he asks. “What are you gonna do now that you got expelled?” 

“I am going to run a nightclub. Make my fucking dream come true. Ran said we have enough money to rent a decent place in Roppongi. In a couple of years if everything goes alright we can buy it and make it truly ours. What do you think she’s gonna do?” The wind blows south and snow stops falling. Everything seems still. Somewhere behind in the building is you and Ran. Probably talking or kissing. It doesn’t matter since you have each other. And Haruchiyo has Rindou. And to be honest, you are never truly alone. There’s always someone with you or within you. Present now or in the past. 

Wickedly Haruchiyo smiles and stands up from the parapet. His pants are thoroughly soaked, but he is warm. Despite everything, today is a good day. “Don’t you know? She’s gonna look out for the kid her and Ran made a couple of months ago.” Haruchiyo watches Rindou’s face fall and he laughs, licking his lips. “I am kidding. Or not really. Saw a test in her bathroom when I stayed over and she mentioned dropping out to me. Said she was sick of dancing. Don’t make such a face, Rin!” Haruchiyo laughs again and again and then Rindou laughs too. “We can think about this in the morning… Now don’t you want to eat something? I am fucking starving.” “Ramen or soba?” “Soba.” “Well, soba it is then. Let’s go.” Their motorcycles roar a long time after they are gone, but the smell of youth they carried never fades away. 

It stays forever. 

[nyimasu]

───── 𝑃𝐴𝐼𝑁𝑇 𝐼𝑇 𝐵𝐿𝐴𝐶𝐾

PAIRING — yoshida hirofumi x fem!reader

SYNOPSIS — it just so happens that you and yoshida have been crushing on each other for some time and now it's time to take it up a notch.

CW — reader is a civilian, aki is really salty here y'all but deep down he's a cinnamon roll <3, canon universe (slight differences), mutual pining, wet dreams, blindfolds, multiple orgasms, creampie, monsterfucking at the end but nothing serious yet

WC — 4.9k ;; cross-posted on ao3

ANYA'S CORNER — all characters are aged up here and well, this might as well be the first of other fics about yoshida *sighs* time will tell but i hope you enjoy this in the meantime!

"Oh, God. What the fuck did you do to your hair now?"

"And good morning to you too, Aki. Today you are bitchier than usual. Did the Fox Devil pee in your bed this morning?"

He gives you the finger, then unties your hair just to let out a frustrated grunt two seconds later. Despite what everyone thinks, you and the boy by your side are just best friends. Actually, more like platonic soulmates. Sometimes you wonder where you end and he begins and vice versa.

What led most of them to think so is Aki's antics. He's quite physical with you: kisses on the cheek, hugs, casual ass honking, you name it.

No matter the circumstance, you are always within reach for him to tease.

But this time around he does so much more than that.

"I get it: you wanted a fresh start after what that bastard did to you. You should’ve let me beat some sense into them, as I suggested to you when you were sobbing in my lap, and save your scalp from a mental breakdown at 3 AM in our bathroom. I would've never imagined it was this bad.

Just- do you smell it? Ugh. The chemicals are burning my nose.

I’m about to barf."

"Come on, don’t be such a baby. It’s not that bad."

Aki catches a strand of your hair between his fingers and tugs at it, annoyed. Its white-silvery hue is glossy, and unbeknownst to you both, the texture isn't so frizzy, either. But the stink of bleach is still here, haunting your best friend’s nostrils.

"After the shift you better go home and wash your hair again. I won’t come near you a minute longer if you ignore me."

"Will you stop patronising me if I say yes, you Karen?"

He eyes you, expression blank. He gives nothing away as he deadpans, "Probably."

"Still better than hearing you ramble like a grumpy old man, anyway." you walk past him hiding your smile before he can reply and go in the back, getting ready to start another day.

You both work as bartenders/waiters in a cute cafeteria nearby the college you and him go to. The paycheck is good and combined, you and the boy are able to make ends meet smoothly.

The only downside is the total lack of spare time: the moment your shift ends, Hayakawa has to hurry up and start his. Most of the time, you two have to work side by side during the busiest hours of the day, all due to your boss’ laziness in scheduling decent shifts.

The only moments you can talk a bit without worries are the ones outside the flat, college and in front of the lockers in the back of the cafeteria.

However, that day you feel good.Really good. You haven’t felt that way since your partner — now ex-partner — dumped you right in front of your family’s house three months earlier.

“My family doesn’t think you’re the one for me. You know what they say about those who don’t meet their standards, don't you? And you're so... weird. Yeah, you'll never be good enough for them.

We should stop our relationship before it gets any further.”

The idiot had the audacity to use their own relatives to cover their ass behind such blame excuses to justify cowardice. They didn’t want to commit, you could see that in those eyes you once found difficult to look away from.

When you did, it was too late. Your heart had already been broken.

On top of that, you are going to see them for the rest of the year; they are two years ahead of you and Aki, but they still attend some of your classes, as well. Moreover, you always see each other at the entrance every morning.

It's torture, looking at them living their best life whereas yours is still drowning in nostalgic waters.

Your hand closes around the uniform you have in the locker. The thin fabric of the plain black shirt cracks as you wear it, soon after joined by a tight pair of white jeans.

Then your eyes fixates on the shoes you're supposed to wear and let scoff, "Hell no, I won’t wear these infernal devices today."

The polished high-heels in the cabinet stare right back at you as you finish to dress up, even as you close the locker and head back to the counter. No need for them today.

Aki is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, waiting. The moment you brush past him, his big hand takes one of yours to place them on his heart.

His pretty eyes scanned your figure once more, searching for any sign of distress as he breathes, "Are you really okay?"

Your gaze softened. "I’m more than okay, Aki. Stop worrying about me."

"How can I? It’s what best friends do: looking out for each other."

"And your best friend is telling you that she’s fine." you yank at the ends of his topknot with your free hand and smile, "Besides, today is a new day. From now on, I want to be a better version of myself.

They won’t have anything of mine anymore."

You both walk back but before any of you can do another step, the boy corners your body with his. Your back collides with the cold surface of the counter, yet the warmth in the eyes of your best friend makes up for it. His height engulfs yours by a lot, so it's no big deal for him to tower - no, hover - over you.

He stretches out a hand, fingers lightly grazing your cheeks. "Promise?"

"Yes, I promise. Let's get to work, now."

Your hand covers his for a split second and he finally nods, planting a kiss on your forehead as he lets you circle him to take position by his side.

There is no way he would give up so easily. He's up to something.

You want to investigate some more but it's not the right moment for it. Being it is almost opening time, and there are a lot of people already behind the glassy doors, students, mostly, you decide to postpone. If he's going behind your back-

The doors open right at that moment, and the momentum cuts off your thoughts. For now.

You are smiling a lot that morning and it doesn't go unnoticed.

The rings on your hands don't, either.

Some regular customers even dare to slip their phone numbers in the cash they hand you over to pay, grazing your slender fingers to catch a glimpse of the shiny bands wrapped around them, but you always turn them down with a shy smile.

The stares you can handle, but nothing more.

You make small chats with everyone passing by the register and at some point you must’ve gone to tie your hair into the usual bun because Aki’s slaps on your thigh stops you halfway.

Turning, you look at him, puzzled. "What?"

The boy looks at you up and down twice before replying, "That colour looks gorgeous on you. Keep your hair down."

"You should do the same, Pineapple Head." you reply, genuinely confused because to be honest, he is prettier than you with his hair that way.

The look your best friend gives you is murderous before nodding at the next client who walks to you you. And with that, the conversation hangs over your heads again.

That day, lots of students and teachers come to grab something to eat before rushing back to classes. But what surprises you the most is to see a familiar face among the group who just walked in, settling in a table not far from the bar counter.

Aaand goodbye good vibes.

"Are you kidding me?"

"Aki, don’t." you hiss, hand already reaching for the boy's. His knuckles turn white as his eyes melts your ex's chair, the idiot looking up right then. Seeing you and Aki, however, has them immediately bend their head forward and avoid your gaze. Pathetic.

Already feeling what's about to happen, you grab Aki by his bare arm and hiss, "Don’t do anything stupid."

"I won’t," his blue eyes pierce right through you and clarifies with a short, "Not in public, anyway. The same goes for you.»

"As much as I hate to admit it, they're a client. They must be respected even if they’re in the wrong.

But that won't stop me from being salty."

You leave without looking back, heading towards the rather noisy group. As soon as they see you coming their way, everyone stops whatever they're doing and stare at your silhouette. The one who doesn’t even flinch is the one who should’ve hidden behind the table, on their knees.

Their eyes lock with yours while one of their hands strokes a girl’s thigh right beside them.

So they were already with someone else, uh? Judging by looks alone, she's a far more “normal” fit than you've ever ever been.

Do they really think something like that would hurt you, after everything they said to you?

"Hello, eveyone. Are you ready to order?"

The friends who snap out of their minds first order straightway, while the person you thought you loved till some months before take their time, talking with the short brunette whose hand is now an inch away from their thigh. Then, acting as if you just arrived there, your ex turn to tell you what they both want.

You write it down quickly, adding ‘spit in their hamburger ♡’ right next to the order.

"I see you dyed your hair and got a new tattoo. Seems like I dodged a fucking oddball, after all."

You put down the digital pen and shoot your ex a customer smile. Finally the other shoe has dropped.

"You know what’s funny about oddballs? You never know where they’ll hit next. Next time it might be your face, how about that?"

You feel one of their friends trying to trip you. The reason why they do it? No idea… until you step on the foot that almost have you face-first on the floor, pushing on it with your whole weight.

"Hey, you stepped on my foot!"

You pin the boy next to your ex with your gaze, "I could do so much worse than this, but I won’t. You know why?» you lean closer and sigh. "You’re a client. I can’t do anything tangible now, but wait until my shift is over. I’ll shove my leg so far down your throat you’ll suff-"

"I’m taking it from here.

Go."

Aki’s chest crashing against your back cuts you off. Turning, you see him looking at the group with a customer smile. A real one.

Then his fingers take a hold of the tablet still in your hands with one, smooth move. You go to snap back at him, but you know better than being too petty.

If he hadn’t stepped in, you would’ve ended up picking a fight that would cost you the job and a demerit note.

The implications in his tone snap you out of it. Your eyes set on him as you smile, just as you apply more pressure on the boy's foor.

"Of course. I’ll be at the bar if you need me."

The blonde-haired stranger curses you out but does nothing else to stop you again. You don't look back, not even when you hear the chick next to your ex speak ill of you. It should’ve hurt your feelings, but that girl looks so naive that you actually feel bad for her. She's too caught up in your ex's spell to understand that they are just using her for sex.

What a disappointment your ex turned out to be.

The moment your best friend comes back to the counter, any sense of anger and annoyance has left you.

Clients keep you busy until you manage to push your ex’s presence in the darkest corner of your mind. Saying you are grateful to them is an understatement.

Time goes by pretty quickly and before you know it, it's almost lunch time. Meaning you are about to end your shift.

Despite this, once you have some time to talk, the tall boy next to you turns on his heels so abruptly you swear you hear his bones crack.

Aki is speaking through his teeth when he whispers, "What the hell was that? Are you trying to get fired or what?"

Your hand reaches Aki’s to press it against your chest. "I could never leave you and your pretty face all alone in a place like this, Hayakawa. But that bastard still has the power to push my buttons all at once and I just can’t stand the sight of them. And that poor girl… I feel sorry for her."

"Your ex is not your problem any longer, remember? You finally get to live your life away from that shithead."

All of a sudden, Aki isn't looking at you anymore. His attention shifts on a group of people that is walking in now, and you look at them too from above your shoulder. The five of them are so beautiful that the people still in the cafeteria turn to stare at them.

But most importantly, they are deadly.

You recognise their uniforms, how could you not? Devil Hunters are a big deal, especially around colleges and other crowded places. Most of the devils’ attacks affect those ones, so at least a couple of them are always around to patrol the area and call the police in case of need.

Something in your best friend’s gaze set off all your alarms and you push him away. "You know them."

"Oh, we both do." he deadpans, fingers itching to grab the cigarette pack in his pocket. He still have three hours left before he can go on break, so he can't really sit out this one.

You snap your fingers in front of him to get his attention and when you do, he raises an eyebrow, unfazed. The one who's boiling is you and you alone, and you implode with an esasperate sigh.

"So this is what you’ve been up to, uhm?"

Aki cracks his fingers. "I don’t like the accusations you’re trying to make."

"Oh, bite me. Don’t tell me I wouldn’t notice you looking at the door like a teenager in love waiting for their sweetheart to show up.

Come on, what is it?"

Aki leans against the counter, bringing you closer to him. "If I promise to tell you this, will you do something for me in return?"

Oh-oh. Every time he asks you to do him a favour, you end up tangled in things bigger than you.

As if he reads your mind, Aki rolls his eyes. "Nothing complicated, I promise."

You fold with a scoff, arms crossed on the chest. "Fine. What do you want?"

He tries to fight back a smile. Unusual, for Aki Hayakawa rarely holds back on his happiness. Not anymore.

When he first met you, five years ago, his perception of life turned upside down. Including his view on showing emotions.

"I have this friend… hey, listen to me before saying anything, okay?" his thumb draws little doodles on the counter's space close to you.

"Like I was saying, I have this friend who’s always been kinda into you. I wouldn’t mingle if I wasn’t sure he might be a good influence in your life.

You know how protective I am of you."

This time you're the one to raise an eyebrow, suddenly feeling self-aware. "So you want me to go on a date with him or something?"

His eyes widens in shock. You fear he might have a heart attack if he keeps staring at you like a lunatic on stereoids.

"Woah. You’re the one who suggested it, not me. I was going to ask you if you could do me the courtesy of grabbing a coffee with him, just to chat, but you went all in by yourself. I won’t be the one to change your mind, now."

You say nothing for a while. Rather, you glance at the table the Devil Hunters are at to see what all the fuss is about.

Three girls and two boys are chatting, and the closest to the counter are a boy with sandy hair and a girl with strawberry locks. Her horns look so cute but on a second glance, their pointed edges look very sharp. A Fiend, you correct yourself.

Another young woman with pitch-black locks that descend on her face like silk curtains sits across them, right next to the tallest girl out of the three. She wears her long, blonde hair in a ponytail and out of the bunch, she seems to be the most stoic one. An eye patch covers her right eye, but that doesn't mean she has her guard down.

As for the rest, you can tell they are quite unique: the boy with red hair is stunning, achingly so. He looks like an angel- Wait.

"No-"

Aki nods, suddenly serious. "Yes. They are part of the same division I was in a few years ago. The one you convinced me to step back from when we got into college.

If you look closely, I’m sure you’ll recognise some."

Aside from Chainsaw Man — you got the chills just thinking about his true devil form — the Blood Fiend, Quanxi, the Angel and War Devil there is another person in the group. One you came across many times when you went to Public Safety’s Headquarters to hang out with Aki.

His dark eyes land on you just as you smack away your best friend's hand. By the time you regain your posture and finish staring at Aki, you turn and a scream build up in your throat.

The woman with the eye patch is now sitting at the bar counter, legs crossed and her gorgeous face resting on a hand.

She's fast.

Shitty human reflexes.

Her voice tone is quiet yet adamatine as she says, "Hello there. So you’re the one who convinced Aki to quit Public Safety."

You gulp and wonder if she hears it. Probably yes.

"H-hello, Lady Quanxi. I never thought I’d have the pleasure to make your acquaintance. And well, I wouldn’t say I forced him or something.

I just gave him a little push, that’s all."

She waves a hand in your direction, then looks at the tall boy next to you. "She’s cute, Hayakawa. Too cute for this world, I might say. Are you sure that she is your best friend? You seem too grumpy to have someone this cheerful around that can suck up with your dry sense of humour."

Your best friend exhales sharply, staring back at The First Devil Hunter without blinking. You don't dare to laugh, but a small snicker escapes you nonetheless.

It's as if you are watching an older sister scold her younger brother.

"Of course she is. And she's too cute for you, Quanxi. Hands off her, please."

The woman raises her hands, then returns to the table at human speed. After she does so, your eyes almost escape your skull when Aki pinches you. Out of surprise, you slap him across the face.

"Oh! What the fuck was that for?!"

"You startled me, you idiot. Were you trying to set me up with her? With Quanxi?" you start to sweat profusely. "Man, I don't know if I’m in for that type of thing. I mean, she’s the embodiment of ride or die — literally. I don't think I'm ready for that kind of carousel yet-"

Aki stops your rambling by shaking his head. Then he takes his hand into yours once more and points a finger towards the table.

"Look closer."

Dark, lush hair frame a slim face now turned in your direction, his beauty mark under the lips unforgettable. His eyes, despite being so piercing, carry the same warmth his smile radiates.

Yoshida Hirofumi.

Pretty sure the chemical burning Aki warned you about is eating your brain, you stare at the Devil Hunter in awe. "Nah, that can’t be. I must be dreaming. Pinch me."

Hayakawa does so again. Harder this time.

You punch his arm in retaliation and he simply huffs at your little tantrum. However, he drags you in a bone-crushing hug shortly after. Accepting it amidst laughs, you laugh in the crook of his neck and wait for your nerves to calm on their own.

So the person you had a crush on for the longest time ever feels the same about you. The fear of being rejected by him is what kept you from acting upon your feelings. Rather, you locked them away in a corner of your heart.

After all that time, after every heartbreak you went through, he's still there waiting for you?

An idiot. That's what you are.

Still looking at Yoshida, you dare to smile and your heart is filled with joy when he does the same. You whip your head towards Aki to look at him through the corner of the eye.

"Okay, I’ll go on a date with him. Let’s see how it goes."

The one to take the group's orders and bring them everything is your best friend. You prefer to watch the scene unfolding from afar. Hayakawa stays behind for a while, chatting with your crush.

Right before coming back he leans closer to Yoshida, whispering something along the lines of 'hey man, she wants to go on a date with you or whatever', but the group overhears it all the same and Hell breaks loose.

Not literally, but you fear for the well-being of the cafè for a good second.

Denji and Power are still howling, feet on the table and head thrown back in amusement, when Aki heads back to the counter with a satisfied grin; Quanxi and Yoru looked at one another for a moment, then each of them grab the kids by the legs and they facepalm on the table.

Angel is having none of it, and keep eating his ice cream as if nothing happened.

You and Yoshida seem to have the same thought because when you turn to look at him again, the dark-haired Devil Hunter is doing the same from above his shoulder. His smile reaches his pierced ears and something in your stomach stirs. Probably butterflies. Or hunger.

"He’s literally breaking his neck to get a better view of you. Goddammit, come here. Why am I doing all of this by myself?

Listen: now that we're settled, go and ask him when you two can go on a date."

Your heart drops at your feet. "Uhm excuse me, where you not there talking to him a minute ago? Hell no. You go."

Blood escapes Aki’s body, leaving him staring at you dead in the eye.

He acts as if you just said you killed his cat.

"I wouldn’t go on a date with Yoshida Hirofumi even if he was the last person on Earth. He’s your boo, not mine."

You stomp a foot, pointing a finger at him. "Stop it. I hate when you say “boo”. It's cringe.

Also, you were the one to set me up with him in the first place. Take the fall for it."

If looks could kill, you'd be burning amidst the flames of Hell by now. "No, I won't. And guess what? You're two adults perfectly able of talking to each other but neither of you was bold enough to confess, so I had to step in and set you two up. He never stopped asking about you, even after I left. And you talk in your sleep, don't you?"

His tone is steady, but there is a hint of amusement in his voice when he whispers:

"I’m tired of hearing you calling out his name in the middle of the night while you squeeze a pillow between your thighs. Fuck him and get over with it."

A shocked gasp falls past your lips and when you look back at the table, fearing the Devil Hunter heard you. They haven't, except one.

The man of the hour is gone. Oh, no. No.

NO.

Horrified, your gaze lands in front of you. More specifically, on the chair Quanxi was previosuly sitting on. Now Yoshida is sitting there for God knows how long, and a sly smirk is painted all over his face.

Aki follows your gaze, pinching your arm again. But you have no will or strength left in you to strike back.

Damn it. Your crush had just heard your best friend say out loud you have been dreaming about him for years. Wet dreams, at that.

Every night.

Hirofumi perches himself on the wooden surface, leaning so close to you that breath gets stuck in your throat.

"Have you now? Care to walk me through some of them over a coffee? Or dinner, maybe?"

Actually, you did more acting than talking. In fact, you showed Yoshida pretty soon some of the best bits of your wet dreams with him. Date after date, week after week.

Now six months had gone by since Aki set you two up and that night, right after you came home from a dinner out with the Special Division, you both had gone insane.

It all started as a joke: you under him on the bed, riled up because of all the teasing at the table, with the blue scarf around his neck dangling between your faces with every kiss Yoshida left on your cheeks, your neck.

Then one thing have led to another, and you eventually started the fire with a simple smile. Hirofumi have come to know you pretty well over time.

He was damn sure it wasn’t an innocent one. “Time for another round, isn't it? Come here.”

Yoshida had giggled in your ear and just like that, you relaxed and returned to the present.

His hands graze your trembling ones for a split-second. The soft fabric of the scarf he used to cover your eyes smells like him and you take in the scent as he continues to worship your body, so tensed and ready to snap under his.

Even after you have come three times, once while your lips are wrapped around his cock with a hand shoved in your drenched panties and twice under the relentless attack of his mouth and fingers, sensory overload still hasn't overcome your body. Stamina is one of your strongest suits, and so is Yoshida's.

He wraps a hand around his dick, coating it in your release to pump it two, three times as his words reaches you.

"Think you got another one for me? Uhm?"

"Y-yes."

Your ragged breath fans over his face as he leaned down to kiss you again. His tongue came out to play with yours as you sense the head of his cock breaching past the entrance of your pussy — he is huge. You barely have time to moan and arch against him before Yoshida straightens his back and placs your hands on his waist.

"Hiro', you feel so good- Fuck."»"

His fingernails bury themselves in the tender flesh of your thighs as he bottoms out inside you, cock pulsing and twitching against your walls. Another desperate whimper leave you right after, because he isn't moving.

Is he really throwing a gauntlet? When he's balls-deep inside you?

Fire begins to boil in your veins and it feel amazing. Pouting, you brace yourself on your elbows. Even blindfolded, you can almost see his eyes transfixed on your boobs. But when you pout again, his gaze shifts to your lips.

Yoshida always make sure to reward you when you beg for his cock.

"Please, baby. I can’t take it any longer. Please, move.

I need you." your voice is feeble, tears already pooling in your eyes. You are at your limit.

He tries to control himself, yet another shiver runs across your skin when he suddenly pulls you flush against his chest. With the new position, his cock goes even deeper and you writhe in ectasy. He is dangerously close to hit your cervix.

Again.

"Of course. You asked me so nicely, princess."

His hips start to move against yours slowly and you sigh, relieved.

But now, his pace changes. You should’ve expected it, but nonetheless you find yourself resting your forehead on his collarbone as he fucks you stupid.

The bed creaked under his movements and Yoshida urges you to lay on your back once more; when you comply, he slips out of your pussy just to slam back in. His eyes fall onto your face.

"Come on. Cum for me one last time."

You let yourself go with a strangled moan, breathing heavily against Yoshida as he draws a fourth orgasm out of you, fucking you through it as his own has him curse under his breath.

You milk him dry, but he still thrusted a few times more to pump his cum back into you. Only when you twitch in overstimulation does he stop and as soon as the softness of his scarf leave your eyes, the dim light shed by the moonlight help you see Hirofumi’s proud grin.

"You did so well." he whispers in the dark, caressing your hair as you both calm down. His heartbeat follows yours for a while but once you are stable enough to speak again, your fingernails trace his cheekbones and he tilts his head.

"Box checked for 'Wet dream n° 52'. You're even crazier than me for following through with them." you chuckle.

"Oh, shush. How many are there again?"

"Roughly around a hundred but who's counting?"

His gaze darkens but doesn't move a muscle. Tonight, you've done enough exercise for a week.

"Poor Aki. He’s not going to be happy about it."

"He’s a big boy, he’ll manage. It’s not like we never had sex while he’s in another room, remember?"

His hips snap against yours, teasing you, and a whimper builds up in your lower abdomen. "Yoshida."

He whispers against your lips, unbothered, "I didn't do it."

"I did."

You try to scream, you really do, but your partner is holding you so tightly against him that you eventually muster up enough courage to train your attention towards the place where the voice came from. To your shock, it did come from Yoshida.

No, from behind him.

And a gush of lust escapes down your thighs, excitement dripping down the already ruined sheets.

It's really happening.

All you do is watch and whimper in anticipation as a tentacle climbs up your leg, its head reaching the strings of your and Yoshida’s mixed releases. Hesitating at first, the tentacle then lapped up the juices and poked at your clit. Your hips buck into its touch and after you do, it vanishes again.

It only lasted a moment but it left you craving for more and Hirofumi's lust-blown gaze shows he has enjoyed it, too.

"Well, it looks like the Octopus Devil likes you enough to come out and play."

"I figured. Let it be from now on. I want to try something out."

The dark-haired boy’s grin now reflects yours. "Is this a spoiler for the next wet dream we're going to reenact?"

You kiss his beauty mark, beaming with mischief. "Oh, yes. Wet dream n° 53: 'Paint it, black'.

Fitting, right?"

© azanthys — do not copy, translate, repost and modify my works. do not recommend them outside tumblr and ao3.

[crushedsweets]

nina and jeff headcanons ?? like what was there relationship like ?? love your work btw

i just lost my mind in chat about them. this is gonna be a LOT. nina probably has the most complicated story in my AU because her motives are all over the place and everything with jeff is terrible. ok letsgo

General rundown of their childhood/teens in my au: nina got sent to live w her grandparents when she was around 14 and got caught cutting the smile into her cheeks (very surface level scars that healed after a few weeks). she robbed her grandparents and ran away when she was 18 when she found out jeff&liu were in alabama. never killed anyone.

jeffs story is relatively close to canon, until he made a deal with slenderman to go more.. undercover with his murder.... and kill less. now he's chilling in alabama. robs his victims. THEIR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP..

now theyre in their early-mid 20s when they meet, this isnt the first time jeffs ran into a freaky fangirl. this is the first time he's given it a shot.

jeff uses nina. sure, he's physically attracted to her - she's pretty, takes good car of herself, etc - but he has no place in his heart to love her. he finds her annoying, too chatty, and he does think her infatuation is pathetic - he just knows it benefits him

for the first bit of their 'relationship', he was just testing the limits. coming over unannounced, telling her to make him some dinner, leaving laundry for her to do.

he'd let her kiss him, sit on his lap, hug him, so on and so forth - but he wasn't one to initiate & he wasn't crazy interested in entertaining her. eventually, she started meeting the other creeps, and by time she was intertwined in their life as well, he pushed even further.

he made nina suddenly show up at crime scenes, lie to cops on his behalf. toss some bloody clothes in her trunk and hope she doesn't get caught. make her handle burning up some official documents from his victims, even if it didn't help hide anything - he just wanted to see what she'd do.

one time they drove a victim's car into a lake together. she wasn't really sure what he was doing at the time, but he was speeding, and they were in a car heading straight for a lake, and she started to panic, and telling him to slow down , and he didn't. before she knew it they were both climbing out of a lake coughing up nasty ass lake water. she would've been crying cuz it'd have scared her so bad, but jeff would've been filled with so much adrenaline. he'd be grabbing her, spinning her and laughing, and for the first time he seemed genuinely fucking hyped to be with her - so she wiped off her tears and they went home and she made them dinner. like nothing happened.

but he's only willing to entertain her for so long. after 5 months, he gets really fucking snappy(he always was), and begins screaming at her for fucking everything. if she can't get a stain out of his hoodie, he's mad. if she doesn't have dinner ready by time he's hungry, he's mad. he'll stop coming home for weeks, ignore her texts. if she doesn't call back when he finally contacts her after a month, he's mad.

he eventually gets impossible to please. but she doesn't quit, and eventually, he decides to take shit a step further.

one night after a long shift, nina comes home. theres mud tracked through her house, and she knows it was jeff. aside from the mess, she's beyond excited - she stumbles through the house looking for him, and she finally swings open the bathroom door and is mortified.

in her bathtub, there is a body wrapped in trash bags and duct tape. it smells disgusting and there's a bag with tools sprawled on the floor. a saw, more heavy duty trash bags, bleach - and a note telling her to handle it.

nina wasn't built for this, she was the type of girl to cry if she stepped on a cats tail. she didn't even like getting into arguments.

but she can't call the cops, so she does what he asks. she dismembers the body, bleaches her bathroom, gets the remains in a suitcase, and drags it out to the forest. she spent the entire time sobbing, throwing up, fainting, having to cry in a different room because she couldn't sit with the corpse anymore. it took probably 10 hours for her to get it all out of the way. she runs into a proxy as she's doing it, and they help her out. they get rid of the body for her deep in the forest. she spends the night at the proxy's cabin, crying herself to sleep on the couch. the next morning nobody comes to comfort her. she realizes just how much she's fucked up

that wouldn't have been the last time jeff left a body for her to clean up

eventually toby and clocky start coming over to handle it from the get go. they care about her by now. toby beats jeffs ass after the fourth time

after that, jeff goes to confront nina. smth smth "why the fuck are you telling people" and she starts crying and yelling back for the first time, and he gets so fucking mad he stabs her in the stomach - a little above her hip, a couple inches from her belly button.

nina would go to liu. she had been stalking him for some time and leaving him emails, letters, fanmail. nina would be hysterical, crying and begging him to help her, but refusing to let him call 911 - she was scared of going to jail, of sending jeff to jail.

by this point, liu would've hired jane (an unethical private investigator) to investigate nina. so liu calls jane.

jane would know the creeps because slender sent sally to haunt(and then live with) jane, so she'd bring nina to jack. this would be lius first time interacting with the other creeps.

from here on out, nina would really start trying to get away from jeff . a long fucking fight for herself . luckily she already formed a decent friendship with clocky and toby by this point - and mayhaps a crush on kate .. but that last part is just for me.. :3... LOL

[ckret2]

I'd love to know more about Bartholomew, and how they befriended him! although it is very funny that something that wild happened entirely offscreen XD

I thought this would be short, but apparently I had more to say about Barty than I thought! So here:

Bartholomew was acquired from a crane game filled with haunted dolls that was set up at Gravity Falls' mall. I do not know why that crane game was there. It's just the kind of thing that happens in Gravity Falls. Each haunted doll is possessed by the evil ghost of a creepy Victorian child. Dipper & Mabel didn't discover this until the next night.

In life, Bartholomew was a 14-year-old necromancer who bound his spirit to a doll so he could live forever—which is why he happens to know so much about poppets and can teach the twins how they work. He's hoping they'll bind Bill to a poppet, he'll die, and he'll remain attached to the poppet, so Bartholomew will have a new haunted doll pal.

(He was not friends with the other dolls in the crane game machine. You know how it turns out wild wolves in normal packs are really friendly and cooperative with each other, and vicious alpha wolf dominance fights only happen when wolves are forced together in captivity and are stressed and defensive? Yeah. That crane game was cramped. Nobody made friends in there.)

He's spent over a century as your typical feared creepy haunted doll, shuffling between locked trunks and antique malls and dusty attics and paranormal investigators' houses that mysteriously burn down and thrift shops. His prior crimes could fuel a horror movie series fit to rival any Chucky or Annabelle you could think of.

His original ambition—as it always is when he's in a house with a boy age 12 to 17—is to murder the kid (and anyone who tries to stop him) and take over his life. We are unclear on how an immobile porcelain doll intends to pose as a living human child. I'm not sure he's ever thought through that part of the plan. He thought killing Dipper would've made a particularly sweet deal since he would've gotten a free sister out of it.

It turns out he does all this because he's desperately lonely and unloved after over a century as a creepy haunted doll, and he just wants a family and friends his own age again. Mabel quelled his murderous urges by saying he can have a bed and live in their room and be their friend as long as he doesn't kill anyone. Usually when kids find out he's alive, they run crying to the adults about the scary living doll begging to get rid of it, and the adults either don't believe them or join in trying to get rid of him. Running into a couple of kids that are totally chill with a haunted doll as long as he doesn't commit murder is a new experience for him. This is the most positive socialization he's had since he died. He's turned around real fast.

So far, Mabel and Dipper haven't told anyone else about Bartholomew. Not on purpose, they just kind of dealt with it on their own at like 3 a.m. and then never thought to bring him up to the adults. Even Bill hasn't noticed him yet. Probably in late August the kids'll end up in a conversation with the grunkles like "wait, did we really forget to mention the haunted doll we've been living with all summer??" Typically he only speaks in front of children. There's a chance Candy and Grenda have been told about him, but due to the Bill situation they haven't been over to meet Barty yet.

He was not in Gravity Falls last year and doesn't really get who Bill Cipher is. What he knows is that Bill is a cute girl who's allegedly a guy who's allegedly some kind of demon from space who can single-handedly destroy Earth. He's read War of the Worlds, he knows all about destroyers from space; but he didn't realize Martians have demons too. He just kind of accepts this all as true, but doesn't really fear Bill (except when he thinks Bill might be in a mood to smash delicate porcelain dolls).

Dipper and Mabel often catch him posed like he was doing something right before other people came in. Sometimes they come home and Barty is posed like he's been petting Waddles. They don't know if this means he's actually let Waddles see him move.

Have you ever watched The Boy? He looks and moves kind of like The Boy, although he's closer to the size of a baby doll and a bit less realistic. Creepy formally-dressed porcelain doll, only moves when nobody's in the room and/or looking at it.

His haunted doll powers include creepily turning off all the lights, writing messages on foggy windows/mirrors, causing disembodied knocking/rattling, slowly dragging the bedsheet off a sleeping child in the middle of the night, teleporting when no one's looking, slipping strange whispers into TV/radio/cassette audio, causing furniture to rearrange in strange ways during the night, and—if he gets really mad or distressed—he can briefly act as a poltergeist and make things levitate and fly around.

As a ghost possessing a doll, he's able to see other ghosts. This makes him—along with Bill, disembodied-Dipper, [redacted], [redacted], and sometimes [redacted]—one of the few members of the cast that can see the mindscape.

He secretly doesn't mind that Mabel calls him Barty Mew-Mew and is increasingly beginning to think he'd kind of like being a catboy. Mabel will be ecstatic when she finds out.

[pullingyourstrings]

The Lie

Pairing: Gareth Emerson x fem!reader

Summary: Gareth lies about not being a virgin anymore and nobody in Hellfire believes him. He asks for your help on backing him up, but you have a much better idea.

Warnings: smut, lots of kisses, fingering, unprotected sex, first time, gareth gets overwhelmed but everything is fine, oral sex (m receiving), a little bit of size kink, nipple play and boob praise, misunderstandings, happy ending, fem!reader has a pussy and uses she/her pronouns.

Word count: 5k.

"This is to Jeff, who's finally not a virgin anymore! Welcome to the club" Eddie raised his beer, laughing, words slurry with how drunk he already was.

"Hell yeah dude!" Jeff celebrated, raising his beer too and clicking it onto Eddie's. "Now it's only Gare left"

"W-what?" Gareth frowned at them. He knew it wasn't a big deal, but there was something about the way Jeff said it this time that felt weird.

"What? We all know you're still a virgin" Jeff shrugged. Gareth felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment.

"No, I'm not" he said quietly. Yes, he is. He doesn't fully understand why he's lying, those are his best friends. They're not judging him.

"You are dude and it's fine" Eddie reassured him, patting him on the back.

"I'm not!" he retorted. Why did it matter so much to his drunk brain? He didn't know. But it mattered. Maybe because it felt bad to be the last one. Maybe because it meant he was just a loser. "You can ask Y/N, she'll tell you" he said, because he knew you didn't think he was a loser. Being his best friend, you were always on his side whenever this subject was brought up and he thought you surely would back him up on his lie.

What he didn't thought about were the implications of that sentence.

Eddie's eyes got wide and Jeff gasped audibly, both looking at each other before laughing.

"No way you scored her, man!" Jeff managed to say, a hand on his stomach with how much he's laughing.

"I mean, cheers to you if you did but I doubt it" Eddie didn't mean to tease, but it sure sounded like it, his voice almost pitying. Gareth didn't like it one bit.

"See, that's why I didn't tell you before" he lied again. Fuck. He's really going down that route when he could've just laughed and said he was joking. Stupid drunk brain!

"Right, right... Well, I guess we'll just ask her on monday." Eddie winked as he got up to grab another beer.

Oh no. He was so fucked.

You ringed the bell anxiously at Gareth's door, ten minutes after he called you asking you to come over because of an emergency. You heard quick steps down the stairs and the door opened right after, revealing a cute stammering Gareth.

"H-Hey, how you doing?"

"Hi, I'm okay. Are YOU okay?" you looked at him up and down, noticing the way he was nervously fidgeting with his rings.

"Yeah, yeah. Come in" he gave you space to enter the house and then quickly rushed upstairs to his room. Weird. Usually you hang out on his living room or the garage. But you still followed him, standing next to his bed as he closed the door behind him.

"What happened? I'm starting to get a little worried"

"I-I needed to talk to you about something really, um, bad. That I did" he struggled to find the words, scratching his neck.

"Okay, go on..." you encouraged him. Whatever this was, it was probably serious if it had him like this, afraid to even look at you in the eyes.

"So... yesterday we were hanging out at Eddie's and they kept talking about... y'know, about that thing that bothers me..." he started to nervously pace from one side to the other of the room, turning to look at you with knowing eyes when you didn't answer.

"About you being a virgin?" you tried to guess, raising an eyebrow. This was one of the main things that bothered him. He always talked about it and you had to be the supportive one, tell him it was okay, that it would happen eventually, that he just needed to find someone special, that if he just wasn't so blind and oblivious maybe it would've happened already. Ok, that last part you never told him, but sometimes you really wanted to.

"Right. That. Yes. And then I don't know what came over me but I lied. I told them I'm not anymore" he said in a guilty tone.

"But you are though?" you tilted your head, confused. You didn't understand where this was going. He nodded.

"So why would you lie? You know none of us really care about this stuff" You didn't understand why this mattered so much that he couldn't wait until monday to tell you.

"I-I don't know! We were drunk! I PANICKED!" he exclaimed loudly, his pacing getting faster around the room.

You laughed, not in a mean way, but in a way that went well with "It's not that bad. It was just a little lie. Whatever."

"No, no, cus' it gets worse! I told them to ask you because I knew you would back me up but now they- they think-" he motioned between you two, avoiding saying it at all costs.

Oh. You understood now.

"Oh. They think we fucked" you wided your eyes. Not that the idea never crossed your mind, but you just weren't expecting that.

"Yeah. I'm so sorry Y/N, I didn't mean it that way but they were so fast to jump into conclusions and I didn't deny it and-" he rambled, trying to explain himself. There wasn't much to explain really, he just kept repeating himself and apologizing and you soon realized he was getting lost in his own head.

"Hey, hey" you stop him, holding his hands in yours. "It's fine Gare. Really." you smiled empathetically. You weren't about to let your friend have a panic attack because of something so little.

"It's not fine! How are you not mad?"

"Because you said you were drunk and I know how those boys are, peer pressure and all" you waved dismissively, trying to calm him down.

"Still. I shouldn't have lied and I shouldn't have brought you with me into this mess. I'm so angry with myself! And now I don't know how to fix this" he sat on the bed with his hands on his head, a moment of silence shared between you. Your heart was pounding so fast you felt dizzy, an idea coming to mind.

"What if... What if it's not a lie?" you suggested, sitting beside him on the bed.

"W-what?"

"Y'know, we could just do it, so it won't be a lie anymore" saying it out loud it didn't sound like the greatest idea ever, but it's already out there now. Best case scenario you get to be his first time, worst case scenario you brush it off and never speak of this again.

"You're joking, right? Really not the time for that" he looked around in disbelief, huffing a little laugh. It was just hard to believe you wanted to do this with him. You? The most perfect person he had ever met in his life? It must be a joke, or a prank. Eddie and Jeff said it themselves, it wasn't possible.

"I'm not joking. We can. I mean, if you want it too" you reassured him, trying to avoid him feeling uncomfortable or pressured. "Or not, just forget I said anything and we'll figure something else" you shrugged like it was nothing, like you didn't just imply you want to have sex with him. You hoped he wouldn't notice the shakiness in your voice as you waited for his answer.

"No, no it's not that. Of course I want to! It's just... You know I've never done anything right?" he whispered, as if he didn't want anyone to hear it, besides the fact it was just you and him in the room.

"I know, it's fine. I can teach you" you offered and he considered for a moment before breathing in slowly, sitting closer to you.

"Okay. What's first?" he smiled softly, eyes fixated on your lips.

"First I'm gonna kiss you. Is that okay?" you cup his face gently with one hand, the other going to the nape of his neck.

"Yeah" he nodded and you closed the distance between you. The first kiss is quick, just your lips pressing against his. The second one is longer, you lick his lips asking for permission to go further and he allows you, your teeth clacking into his for a moment before you turn your head to the side. The new angle is much better, his tongue dancing around with yours in such an orchestrated way, his muffled little moans so sweet, that there's only one thought in your head: for someone who never kissed, he's way too good at it.

"You're sure it's your first time?" you break the kiss, your hands resting over his shoulders, playing with his soft curls.

"Why, was it okay?" he asks worried.

"It was great. You're a good kisser." you notice his hands awkwardly resting on your sides in the bed, as if he wants to do something but isn't sure if he can. "You can touch me, y'know? I'm not gonna break" you laugh and he mumbles a little "Thank God" before kissing you again, his hands immediately going to your hips, squeezing your love handles and holding you so close to his body you're almost on his lap.

"What now?" he whispers against your skin, showering your face with quick gentle kisses.

You take the opportunity to sit on his lap and take off your shirt and help him take his off too. He looks at you like you're a goddess, admiring every part of you.

"Fuck, you're so beautiful" he kisses your neck as you giggle. It feels good to be this close, to feel his body against yours, to feel his shoulders drop as he gets more comfortable and confident.

"Show me what to do, princess. Wanna make you feel good" he plays with your waistband and you smile, taking his hand and placing it inside your panties. You guide him to circle your clit slowly and he slips his middle finger over your entrance, probably without meaning to, your slick dripping down his hand.

"God, you're soaked. Is this... normal?" he asks curiously and you laugh endearingly.

"Yes. It just means I'm ready for you"

"Um... I don't think you are" he slips a long finger inside, ripping out a lewd moan from you, your walls clenching around him with the sudden invasion. "I don't know if my cock is gonna fit. Your pussy is soo thight" you didn't know if he was dirty talking on purpose or if he was actually thinking about the physics of sex, but either way it was working, his deep voice sending shivers down your spine, despite his innocent tone.

"I guess you're gonna have to prep me really good then" you teased and he smiled maliciously, inserting a second finger inside you. You sob a loud moan, his fingers so much thicker than yours. It's been a while since you've done this with someone else, mostly because you were waiting for Gareth to notice you and God was it worth the wait already. He doesn't move for a while, allowing you to get used to the feeling.

"You can move now, curl them upwards a little too" he follows your instructions carefully and watches your face as you close your eyes and throw your head back in pleasure. He can't help but feel proud of himself. You kiss him passionately and start to roll your hips, riding his fingers. You can feel his cock hardening under you everytime your butt rubs on him as you rocked your hips faster.

"Wait, stop, stop" he breaks the kiss with a sharp inhale and you stop everything immediately. He rests his hands on your sides, looking at the ceiling and breathing in and out slowly. He looks fucked out and you didn't even touch him yet.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. I'm just-" his cheeks get red with embarrassment, swallowing loudly, his voice barely a whisper when he admits it. "I was getting close"

"It's okay, Gare. That's the point, isn't it?" you huffed a laugh, moving your hips again ever so slightly. You feel empty now that his fingers are not inside you anymore, but this is about him, not you.

"Nooo, ugh" he whines, resting his head on your shoulder defeatedly. His mouth said no, but his hands guiding your hips back and forth said otherwise. "I wanna... We didn't even... God dammit, y/n, I just wanna last longer for you" his voice sounded like he was hurt, desperation at every breathy whisper.

"Do you ever come twice when you touch yourself?" you asked nonchalantly, as if you were asking a normal everyday question.

"When I- When I what-?" he stutters, trying to understand what you just said and how to answer it.

"Everybody does it. Just answer the question" you roll your eyes at him.

"Y-Yeah"

"Great. We'll just go for round two then"

"But– Fuck, I don't wanna come like this. Wanna feel you..." he breathed heavily and you could tell he was really struggling to hold it in, biting down his lip, eyes squeezed hard.

"Okay. Let's try something else then" you start kneeling on the ground in front of his bed and opening his zipper, helping him take off his pants.

"Is this okay?" you asked and he nodded. You pulled his boxers down and his cock twitched free, thick and pink, a bead of precum sliding down his slightly curved shaft.

"Fuck, you were right. You're really big" you held him with one hand, the heaviness making your body shiver with anticipation.

"Um. Yeah. Is that- is that a good thing?" he questioned and you almost started laughing because being self-conscious about having a big dick is such a Gareth thing. Generally boys would brag or hype themselves up about it. Not Gareth Emerson though. He had a girl kneeling on the ground ready to blow him and still had the nerve to ask if it was a good thing.

"Yeah, most people would say it is" you smiled, smearing his precum down with your thumb, unable to look at anything else but his throbbing pretty cock on your hand.

"Yeah? And what do you think?" he asked, as if only your opinion mattered. Maybe because it was exactly that. He didn't care about what other people thought, as long as you liked it and wanted to do this with him forever, then it was fine for him. Your response was a soft kiss at his tip and then a big lick along his length while maintaining eye contact, doing your best to convey the message.

"Ohh holy fuck– Okay, definitely a good thing then" he almost couldn't bare looking at you, moaning loudly and throwing his head back. You started sucking the head of his cock, your soft tongue circling the slit, his hands promptly resting on top of your head. You took him further down your throat, bobbing up and down slowly and stroking with your hand what you couldn't reach. His moans were loud and you could tell he was really close as he held your hair roughly, pressing you down so it would go even deeper, your nose pressed at his soft curls. It didn't take long for his legs to start quivering as he came and you gagged, trying to swallow as much of his cum as you could.

"Fuck, sorry" he released your hair and you lifted up gasping for air, a string of saliva and cum connecting your soft lips to his glistening tip. "Shit. I-I'm sorry"

"Don't apologize. That was hot as fuck" you smiled wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. He smiled back, offering a hand for you to get up.

"Really?" he hissed a little as you got up, taking your pants and your underwear off. You sit on top of him, his sensitive dick resting between you two as he holds you closer, breathing you in. "But you didn't..."

"It's fine, we still have time. Let's just make out for now, okay?" he barely let you finish the sentence before he was kissing you, tasting himself on your tongue, caressing your spine with featherlight touches and playing with the clasp of your bra.

"Can I take this off?" he asked and you nodded, watching as he took your bra off ceremoniously.

"Can I touch them? Please?" he looked at you with puppy eyes, pupils blown wide with want.

"So polite" you teased with a little laugh, finding immensely cute how he asked permission for every move, Gareth's cheeks getting red to the tip of his ears. "Go ahead" you placed your hands on his knees behind you, exposing your boobs for him. He palmed them softly, his big warm hands contrasting perfectly with the coldness of his rings against your nipples.

"God you're so pretty... Even more perfect than I've imagined" he whispered as he kissed one of your nipples and played with the other.

"You've imagined this?" you giggled. Maybe it was a heat of the moment thing but you quite enjoyed how he complimented you so sincerely, how he talked so openly about things he usually avoided even thinking.

"Honestly, a lot more times than I should've. It felt very wrong. Nobody wants to think about things like this with their best friend, but I-I just couldn't help myself. They bounce so beautifully when you walk, oh my god" you both laugh at his pure honesty and you get the courage to admit something too.

"If it brings you any comfort, I've thought about this too. Like a lot. Everytime you caught me staring at your hands I was imagining them over me like this" you grab his hand and guide him all over you, your neck, your boobs, your belly, your thighs. He sighs audibly, touching and admiring every part of you.

"Fuck, don't say stuff like that. I'm already getting hard again" and it was true. He’s so riled up all it took was a little bit of groping and kissing and you could feel his dick twitching against your belly.

"Told you we can just go for round two"

"It's not my fault you're so hot" he squeezes a handfull of your butt, bringing you closer to him.

"You're learning fast" you smile teasingly at him.

"I happen to have the best teacher" he shrugged, smiling back and placing small kisses on your torso.

"Yeah? You ready to learn some more?" you reach down between your bodies, sliding your finger on the side of his cock.

"Yes please" he breathed out, shivering at your touch.

"Do you wanna be on top or is this okay?" you figured it was better to ask, since it's his first time and you want it to be perfect, you want him to feel comfortable and do whatever and however he wants it.

"This is okay, very much okay, I like this" he rambled, still kissing you anywhere he could reach.

"I like this too. Been thinking about riding you since forever"

You lifted yourself up a little, guiding him inside you slowly and he’s incredibly sensitive when you sink down onto him completely, turning into a whimpering mess.

"Wait, fuck, please don't move–" he whined, resting his head on your shoulder and his hands on your hips.

"Is it too much? Do you wanna stop?" you pet his hair, a little worried. You never had quite this reaction with other guys. But again, it is his first time so maybe he's just overwhelmed.

"No, please, no stopping. Just... Give me a minute" he took a few deep breaths and you noticed he was focusing, grounding himself into the moment.

"Okay, look at me baby" you lift his chin up, staring into his deep blue eyes. "Tell me how you're feeling, does it feel good?" you offered calmly, trying to help.

"It feels so good, holy fuck" he choked out, almost a cry. "Nothing could prepare me to this, you're so tight and warm around me" you rest your forehead against his and kiss him smoothly for a while before he starts to gently move your hips back and forth, both moaning into each others lips. He smiles, so happy you're the one sharing such a special and intimate moment with him.

You start to move faster and bounce up and down on his cock, so deep and full you swear you could feel him through your stomach. You moaned softly while Gareth gasped and whimpered.

"You almost there? Wanna come with you" he asked, voice a little desperate, somehow thinking about your pleasure over his in a moment like this. You didn't answer, instead guiding his hand between you. He understood, remembering what you taught him earlier. He pressed tight circles against your swollen clit and thrust up into you instinctively, making you moan loudly. You start riding him faster, meeting his thrusts and he takes it as a sign he's doing something right. It only takes a few moments before you're coming, legs shaking, pussy clenching around him and with that he comes too, cursing and holding you close to him by your hips while he rests his head on your chest.

He places your limp body on the bed and kisses your shoulder before laying down next to you and cuddling up. You allow him, because of course he's a cuddler after sex.

You wake up to the sound of Gareth's mom pulling up on their driveway. Huh, weird. His mom works the night shift, so she's usually home pretty late. You look over to the clock on his bedside and notice it's almost midnight. Shit. Your curfew is 10pm!

"Shit! Shit shit shit" you get up, searching for your clothes on the ground quickly.

"What- Y/N, Everything okay? What happened?" Gareth wakes up confused, watching as you frantically got ready.

"It's past my curfew! I have to go" you answered, running to the side of the bed to grab your backpack.

"Wait wait–" he grabbed your wrist where he stayed on the bed, looking at you with so much affection on his eyes. "C-Can I see you tomorrow?"

"I mean, yeah. We have Hellfire tomorrow" except you were so worried about your curfew, that his look and his invite flew over your head.

"Oh." Oh. Gareth understood it now. You only did that because of the lie. It was foolish and selfish of him to think you'd want to be with him after he lied about your relationship and got you into this mess. He let go of your wrist, forcing a smile. "Okay. See you there then"

You smiled back and left his room.

After that, Gareth was sure you didn't actually like him. You were just... helping a friend out. Because that's what friends do. Right?

When you arrived the next day at Hellfire all the heads turned to you. You knew they were all waiting anxiously to ask you about it and Eddie was the one to finally do it as you sat next to Gareth instead of your usual seat at the table.

"Sooo, y/n... Gareth told me about you two..." Eddie crossed his arms and smiled smugly.

"Um, yeah, We're..." together? dating? just fucking? no. None of these seem right. Gareth didn't know how to put it into words and honestly you didn't know either. Because you knew there were feelings involved, you confirmed it the night before with all the soft smiles and heated kisses. And he thought he felt it too, but you left so abruptly he couldn't help but think it was a one time thing.

"We're something! We haven't labeled it yet." you grabbed his arm, pulling him close to you. "Right Gare?" you winked at him. Right, the lie. Gareth had been so lost on his thoughts he almost forgot about it.

"R-right. That's why we didn't tell you guys before"

"Yeah, makes sense... So tell me, how long has this been going on?" Eddie asked, eyebrows raised because he was not convinced at all.

"Two months!"

"Two weeks!" you answer in unison. Dammit Gareth, if you can't lie just shut up!

"Well I've been all over him for two months. But he's a little oblivious, so it's catching up to him only now" you pat him on the chest, laughing and Eddie laughed back.

"Right, right." He didn't sound convinced at all. You pressed a gentle kiss on Gareth's cheek and Eddie smiled. "Well, I'm happy you guys are happy"

"We are. Thanks Eds" you answered, relieved to see him almost believe in it.

"Cheers to you my man. Sorry we didn't believe you before" Eddie patted Gareth on the back and turned his attention to the board, changing the subject. You sighed, your hand finding Gareth's and intertwining your fingers. You didn't think much of it, other than it was a cute thing you've always wanted to do and now you could. Gareth was about to protest when you smiled at him. It's all part of the play, isn't it? You were pretending to be a couple and it had to be believable, after all.

The rest of the night went by fast. Nobody made any comments and you and Gareth acted normally aside from the hand holding.

As the campaign ended for the night and all the boys left, you stayed behind with Gareth, waiting for him to get ready and take you home, like he always did. He grabbed his papers, stuffed them in his backpack and approached you near the door. As you reached to hold his hand again, he flinched away.

"They're gone now. We don't have to keep pretending." he said dryly, almost as if he was mad, catching you by surprise.

"Oh. Sorry, I thought..." you thought it meant something. You thought he felt it too, the connection, the affection, how it felt so right to be together. You felt your eyes begin to water. "Nevermind" Guess not. Maybe he really was just using you to brag to his friends and now that it was done he didn't need you anymore.

"Wait" he reacted as he heard your trembling voice. "Did you... do you... like me?" he asked incredulously.

"Oh my god, Gare. Did you really thought I did all this just to cover up a little lie? Of course I like you, dumbass" you admitted, facepalming at his obliviousness.

"But- You left so fast. I thought maybe you regretted it"

"What? No! I wanted to stay" you grabbed his hand, playing with his rings and he let you this time. "But I had to leave because it was past my curfew. I literally told you that before I left"

"Sorry. I was sleepy and very confused" Gareth laughed, because how could he interpret things so wrong all the time. You laughed too.

"Just for the record, I didn't regret it one bit"

"Me neither." he whispered, resting his forehead on yours, his hands on your hips. "Couldn't stop thinking about you all day"

You kissed him, your lips barely touching his, soft and gentle.

"Would you like to... go out with me... maybe?" he smiled shyly, his cheeks a beautiful crimson.

"Yeah, I'd like that. Let's go right now" you kissed him again, quickly, grabbing his hand and guiding him outside the room. He laughed at your excitement, holding your hand strongly.

You go on a bunch of dates over the next few weeks. You're always showing him new things, making your relationship so easy and fun, full of love and honesty. He's so glad you're the one being on his side through all his firsts and you're so grateful he lets you.

[entityverse-utmv]

here's another work i've done on behalf of @ut-against-genocide, this time for @mystery-fic-anon, who asked for underfell sans doing something wholesome. i agonized for days over this commission but just couldn't get my art hands to cooperate, so with permission from the organizer i decided to write fic instead. hopefully that's alright with you, mystery! and i hope everyone who reads enjoys.

this one-shot was also cross-posted to my ao3!

the fic is below the cut. thank you again mystery for your support!! (also i'm a fan of your work! :))

Today Papyrus turned two.

Sans puttered around the kitchen, grabbing plates and glasses to put on the table. The oven beeped behind him, and he hissed as he ran to take out the cake, thankfully remembering to put on the oven mitts this time. The cake was far from perfect, lumpy and under or overcooked in some places—but for a first ever attempt it was edible, and the ingredients had been far too expensive for him to just throw it out and try again.

The rabbits at the inn worked him hard, almost abusively so—especially considering he himself was still in stripes. But he would do anything for his baby brother, including celebrate a birthday he wasn't likely to remember in ten years.

Grabbing a mixing bowl full of frosting out of the mini-fridge in their dingy old kitchen, Sans tried to make this the part he put the most effort into looking good. He whipped the frosting onto the cake, cursing under his breath as the first layer almost immediately melted on the hot surface, and just ended up panic-slathering more on top until it more-or-less covered the thing. It was an absolute disaster, but as he piped "PAPYRUS" onto the cake in red frosting to contrast the off-white base (black was way too expensive a dye, as much as he thought it would've looked much cooler), he couldn't help but smile anyways. Weeks of hard work had led up to this moment.

Carefully moving the cake over to the old, worn-out table he had found a couple months back in Waterfall, Sans hastily sticks a large '2' candle into the center. He grimaced as he heard the hot metal the cake was balanced on sizzle against the table, probably burning the surface underneath. He couldn't afford a hot plate, and the table was a piece of shit anyways, but he still at least tried to take care of the damn thing. But...it wasn't what was important right now. Shaking his head, Sans turned to run upstairs and fetch his brother. The baby-bones was in the middle of Sans' bedroom floor, playing with his stuffed rabbit plush that Sans had hand-sown from one of his old shirts. His crib was parallel to Sans' own bed, each pushed against opposing walls. There was another room in the house that Sans hoped could belong to his brother one day, but the room was still dilapidated and in a state of total disrepair, much like the rest of this house had been before Sans moved in and fixed it up.

Scooping up his brother, Sans carried him down the steps, bare-boned feet clicking against each of the wooden steps as he hastily descended. "i've got a surprise for you, little bro," the elder skeleton murmured to the younger, getting an excited giggle in response. He gently placed Papyrus into a booster chair at the end of the table, and turned off the dining room light—now, the room was only dimly lit by the flickering light in the nearby kitchen.

Snapping his fingers, the tip of Sans' index finger lit on fire. He reaches over and lights the single candle on the top, grinning as Papyrus claps in excitement. The little babybones has only just started to express his magic himself, but was still super young to do so. He was so cool...Sans was sure he was going to be a super strong monster someday.

"happy birthday to you," Sans murmured, and Papyrus stilled as his older sibling's smooth baritone filled the room, the light of the flickering candle casting a warm orange glow over both their faces. "happy birthday to you...happy birthday sweet papyrus..."

"happy birthday to you."

--

Today Papyrus turned sixteen.

He was officially old enough to join the royal guard. The skeleton had mailed his application the moment it became midnight—but not after lots of fretting.

"BUT SANS! WHAT IF APPLYING TOO EARLY MAKES ME SEEM TOO EAGER? I DON'T WANT TO COME OFF AS WEAK!"

"i'm sure it'll be fine, bro. eagerness means passion, right? and i'm sure passion is a valued trait in the royal guard. if you're so worried, why not wait a bit?"

Truth be told, Sans was super nervous about his baby brother joining the Guard. It was a super dangerous line of work. But the younger skeleton had insisted—the status and respect it could bring would help keep them safe, and the paycheck would be enough to finally lift them out of poverty.

"HMM...YOU ARE RIGHT. BUT...IF I WAIT TOO LONG, WHAT IF I SEEM LAZY?! LAZINESS ISN'T A GOOD WORK ETHIC AT ALL!!"

"anyone with eyes knows you ain't lazy, bro. besides. everyone knows i'm the laziest sack of bones in snowdin."

"TRUE AGAIN. BUT! TO ERR ON THE SAFE SIDE, I THINK I WOULD RATHER BE PERCEIVED AS EAGER OVER LAZY! MYAH HAH HAH!"

While Papyrus was occupied with that, Sans was once again in the kitchen. His cake-baking had improved significantly over the years; it was practically an art form for him now. Papyrus wasn't a huge fan of sugar though, so nowadays he tended to decorate the cakes with fresh fruit and dark chocolate- some of the most expensive commodities in the Underground. Sans had to skip a few meals in order to afford it, but it was worth it for his brother.

"c'mon bro, cake's done!" sans called as he set the finished confection onto the table. It developed even more wear and tear over the years, the legs collapsing a few times and having to be hastily glued back together. But it was almost sentimental now, because every cake Sans had baked over the years were put in the exact same spot—the round burnt stain from oven-hot trays marking it perfectly as he set it down.

"SANS! I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS NOW! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU THAT!" Papyrus complained, but he still ran down the stairs all the same, beaming at the sight of his older brother's latest masterpiece.

"too old for the song, paps. not for a sweet treat. a skeleton as cool and strong as you deserves some pampering once in awhile," Sans smoothed over.

"...THANK YOU, SANS." Papyrus sat at the table, watching as Sans flicked his burning thumb over the candles, one by one.

"'course, bro. make a wish."

Papyrus stared in contemplation at his cake for a moment, before blowing it out.

"I LOVE YOU, SANS."

"love ya too, paps."

--

Today Papyrus turned twenty-five.

He'd risen through the ranks of the royal guard at breakneck speed, smoothing over disputes throughout Snowdin and over half of Waterfall. He'd even been acknowledged by the king; and been ordered to fight Undyne for her title as Royal Guard captain. That battle was hard fought, though ultimately won; Papyrus walking away from it with some gnarly new cracks across his right eyesocket.

Sans hadn't made a cake for Papyrus in a couple of years now. Since joining the guard, something in Papyrus had...changed. He was rougher. Tougher. A bit meaner. A lot meaner to others, but only a bit meaner to Sans. He started insisting Sans call him "boss", especially in public. Sans complied, but only after Papyrus agreed to let him apply for a sentry position in the Guard. Sans mainly did it to keep an eye on his brother—make sure he stayed safe. The rabbits weren't too thrilled to let him go, but it wasn't like he could be forced to stay. It wasn't like he needed their bakery ingredients anymore, anyways.

Papyrus started bringing home ludicrous amounts of Gold. Little by little, rickety fixtures in the house were replaced with high-end equivalents. The stained, peeling wallpaper was painted over in deep shades of red, purple, and mustard yellow; the mini-fridge was replaced with a full-sized one, always full of more food than Sans knew what to do with. The lumpy beanbags on the living room floor were replaced with a leather couch.

The only thing that stayed the same was that shitty dining room table. Papyrus had thrown a black tablecloth over it, masking how out-of-place it was and covering that old burn mark, but it seemed to be the one thing he couldn't bring himself to replace.

Sans didn't bake a cake this year, but he spent all day making lasagna, following a cookbook that Papyrus brought home one day. Most of the pages were waterlogged, but everything that was legible usually turned out pretty good in his book. Heh. Inwardly chuckling at the pun, Sans continued rolling out the noodle dough over the flour-covered countertop.

Papyrus rarely smiled anymore, but when he took his first bite of the cake-like pasta later that evening, the small twitch at the corners of his mouth filled Sans' SOUL with love, not LOVE.

A week later, a human fell.

--

Today Sans turned forty, though he feels a lot older than that.

He supposes that RESETs will have that effect on you. He's long since lost count of how many there were, but he knew there were a lot. How couldn't there be, with monsterkind as ruthless and bloodthirsty as it was? The human died many times, but was unshakeable in their determination. One by one they pacified the monsters of the Underground, until they reached the barrier and...broke it.

It's been a few months since then, and monsterkind has since come to the surface. It was hard at first, as much of humanity didn't seem as keen on welcoming a bunch of edgy strangers onto their turf as the lost child had been. Tensions ran high, but by some miracle, the kid was able to smooth things over. Probably something to do with the vast amounts of wealth the monsters had—gold was apparently a ridiculously powerful resource. Sans would scoff at the blatant greed of the humans, but he couldn't be too upset since it got them a pretty nice house topside, and they got to wake up to the sun every single day.

Yeah. Life was pretty good.

Papyrus had been out of the house all day, and refused to tell Sans where he was going. It was a bit strange, but Sans accepted that Papyrus would want to do his own things now. They no longer had to tell each other exactly where they were going and when they would be back, because it was no longer so anxiety-inducing for one of them to be late. Monsters no longer fought or killed each other, at least not publicly. It was no longer Sans and Papyrus against the world. Papyrus could be his own person now.

Without Sans.

Cracking the top off of a bottle of beer, Sans threw himself onto the couch and flipped on the TV. So what if it was his birthday? He'd never celebrated it before now, for him it was just another day. Nobody had ever been around to make a big deal out of it for him the way that he had for Papyrus. He mindlessly flipped the channels for a few minutes before settling for some sort of nature documentary. It was baffling how much biodiversity there was on the surface—and their uncanny resemblance to some species of monster was a new hot subject of debate among human scientists.

Sans doesn't remember falling asleep, but he wakes up suddenly to the sound of the door being dramatically kicked open. Sounds like Papyrus was home.

"sup boss?" Sans greeted as he rubbed at his eye sockets—opening them to see the skeleton's forearms were completely covered in the straps of fabric grocery bags, each full to the brim with stuff Sans couldn't make out.

"YOU ARE BEING EVICTED FOR THE DAY, BROTHER." Papyrus proclaimed, setting all of the bags onto the kitchen counter before reemerging to point a gloved index at the front door. "YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING THE SUN, AND YET WOULD RATHER SPEND YOUR TIME WATCHING IT ON TV! ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE!" When Sans didn't move, Papyrus huffed, heeled boots clicking on the hardwood as he stormed over, picking his shorter but older sibling up from under the armpits before bodily throwing him onto the front lawn.

"DON'T COME BACK INSIDE UNTIL SUNDOWN! THAT IS AN ORDER!" Papyrus shouted, before slamming and locking the door behind him. Sans snorted, rolling his eyelights. He could just shortcut back inside and hide out in his room, but he knew this was Papyrus' way of showing he cared. So he did as he was bade, standing and brushing off his shorts before deciding to take a walk to the nearby park.

As he walked, he wondered if Papyrus remembered his birthday. It didn't matter either way really, but no matter what changed between them over the years, Papyrus had always said 'happy birthday, Sans' at least once. As a babybones Papyrus did more, drawing pictures of them on the surface together holding hands in crude approximations of themselves, complete with the little yellow sun in the top left corner. For his thirtyth birthday he even made a jacket for Sans, complete with a fluffy hood, starting Papyrus' newfound proclivity for making clothes. To this day their wardrobe was mostly made up of the taller's creations, from t-shirts to sweaters to pants and even some socks. But since joining the royal guard, Papyrus rarely had time for such thoughtful gifts—usually just leaving it at a simple verbal acknowledgement of the date.

The park came into view, and Sans spotted a bench beneath a tree. He wandered over to sit underneath it. There was a playground nearby, and children both monster and human often flocked here to play, but it was deserted today. Probably because it rained all day yesterday, and the ground was still pretty muddy. Looking up at the sky, today it was slightly overcast; the sun was still somewhat visible through the fluffy white clouds, but it still struck Sans as a bit of an odd day for Papyrus to choose to throw him out.

Eventually he got bored of just sitting there, so Sans pulled out his phone, watching some videos online. He'd recently discovered a pretty neat cooking channel—Binging with Babish. There were so many more types of food and recipes on the surface, and Sans made it his goal to attempt cooking one of Babish's recipes at least once a week. There was one video where they made a ramen bowl inspired from an anime called Naruto, and Sans begrudgingly forwarded it to Alphys, knowing the skeevy little reptile would appreciate it.

Before he knew it, the sun was beginning to set on the horizon. Papyrus had told him to stay out at least until then, so the skeleton stood up, stretching his arms and back before shortcutting back home.

He opened the front door, and the first thing Sans noticed was how dark it was inside. Every light in the house was off; it was nearly pitch-black, save for a dim orange glow coming from the dining room.

Confused and slightly on-edge, Sans shut the door behind himself before approaching the glow. "boss?" He called, to no response.

He realized his brother was sitting stoically at the table, just out of reach of the faint light, which Sans belatedly realized were candles. He sucked in a breath between his teeth—the candles belonged to a two-tiered chocolate cake. It was...absolutely beautiful. It looked professionally made.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SANS."

Sans' gaze snapped back to his brother, who was now openly smiling at him. Unbidden tears sprang to the corners of the elder skeleton's sockets. There was a tiny smudge of chocolate frosting on the younger's cheekbone, which told Sans that Papyrus had made this. Just for him.

"I HAVEN'T BEEN ALLOWED THE TIME TO CELEBRATE YOU IN THE WAY YOU DESERVE THESE PAST YEARS, BROTHER...AND FOR THAT I HAVE FAILED YOU." Sans sputtered to refute that claim, but clicked his jaw shut when Papyrus held up a palm for silence. "MAKE NO MISTAKE, SANS. YOU ARE DEARLY LOVED. AND I HOPE THAT THIS CAKE CAN EXPRESS EVEN A FRACTION OF THAT."

Sans roughly scrubbed his sockets with his jacket sleeve just as they welled up enough to fall, sniffling. "bro..."

"WELL? ARE YOU GOING TO TASTE MY MASTERPIECE, OR ARE YOU GOING TO ALLOW THE WAX FROM THE CANDLES TO RUIN IT BEFORE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE? MAKE A WISH, SANS!"

Laughing wetly, Sans nodded, sitting across from his brother. He noted that the tablecloth had been stripped from the table. The cake was placed over the burn marks.

'i wish for our life to always stay this perfect', Sans thought, before blowing out the candles.

[comfortless]

"held back by a leash that no one’s ever thought to untie, constantly growling and leaping at anything that gets too close just to simmer down to whimpering and begging the second he’s pet just once" ??? 😩 This is so real and relatable (I'm crying in the corner of my room). Lord have mercy, I need to kiss every ridge and groove on your brain.

The way I giggled when you mentioned his fleshlight is crazy. I was actually thinking of saying something similar but then I decided against cause the message would've been too long. I was trying to decide if he would be the type of man to get one of those insanely realistic sex dolls. Maybe he felt particularly desperate to have something in his bed (something that can't just get their clothes and leave before he wakes up) or he would just be curious. If he actually got it, by being impulsive, now he has this thing in his house and kind of regrets it. Yeah, it's soft and doesn't look bad, but it definitely doesn't look like a real woman either. It gives him the uncanny valley effect and puts it out of sight for now. How would he even get rid of something like that? Is it recyclable?

I've got brainrot when it comes to this man, I know. I might start reading Letters to Milena by Kafka so I can yearn more accurately for a man that doesn't even exist. This time I have no nice poems to quote but I feel like Konig is very much Sleep token coded. Idk what type of music you like but their lyrics are yummy.

P. S. Your fics are like vitamin D + Omega 3 getting me through this shitty British weather with my sanity more or less intact. Lots of consensual kisses!

oh my gosh and you are more brazen than me because i thought the same, just… kept that to myself!

if he has the money why would he settle on some little silicone tube when he could at least have something to cuddle up with, too? it isn’t like he has visitors often (or at all), though there are some nights when he definitely feels pathetic and disgusting for having it: haphazardly shoves the doll in the closet and settles for his hand instead…

also much to ponder in regards to his impulse control…! for the most part, he probably considers himself to be pretty rational; reasons with every decision by thinking well, x happened so then comes y. his dating life is shallow at best and utterly devoid of anything at worst, it’s… reasonable that he would have some sort of outlet, even if he knows that buying the damned thing has basically sentenced him to never having any sort of stable relationship. if some sweet woman actually gave him more than just the time of day, if she actually wanted to be with him but… she sees that mimicry of a woman’s warmth lying in his bed? she’s either laughing at him or immediately making up some excuse to leave. and if that happens, then of course he’s got to find a way to get rid of it. he’s tossing it in a hole in his backyard or burning it. sorry environment. this is König’s world now and the sex doll can no longer be in it..!

he would never pull something comparatively ridiculous in his career, maybe a few mistakes here and there but he plays a character when he’s König. and König is all menace or indifference, never the pitiful thing that gets so wound up over his own purchase he’s got to destroy it at all costs. though in the time that he did have it… the soldiers around him are certainly aware that he had some ‘girlfriend’ he spoke rather highly of at home that always had her legs open for him. he never seemed in higher spirits, though…

Letters to Milena is sooo quotable for him. i will give you this one: “Auch ist es vielleicht nicht eigentlich Liebe wenn ich sage, daß Du mir das Liebste bist; Liebe ist, dass Du mir das Messer bist, mit dem ich in mir wühle.”

i have an entire ridiculous playlist that is just… all over the place with songs that remind me of him, perhaps i will give Sleep Token a chance and throw a few onto it! ^^ i am always looking out for König-coded songs… Never Land by Sisters of Mercy is possibly my favorite to suggest when it comes to him. <3 the full length is my go to but - a fragment encapsulates it almost as well!

burying you in a world of hugs right now, anon! pleeease send your weather my way! it is HOT here! your messages are vitamin C and a lovely cup of earl grey to me! <3 i am glad that you appeared!