#he was just a brainwashed kid!! he had the capacity for love and wanted to be loved!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stellocchia · 3 years

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Okokok but Stell. Stell. My beloved. This has no context but like.

The fact Tommy thinks he has to be the hero again isn't even wrong. Like. Don't get me wrong it sucks but the facts are that he's the only one willing to be "the hero" and someone has to be.

And of course he thinks that. He was waiting for a hero to safe him and everyone for weeks when he was in exile and noone came. Noone attempted to really help him or anything.

Even Tubbo who decided to visit him just a few days after he left wouldn't have been there to save him or anything. He would have just visited him (and like don't get me wrong that would've been amazing but still)

Tommy's whole narrative has always been about not waiting around. His inability to take proper charge is what enabled (and listen I don't blame him for this) Wilbur to blow up Lmanberg. In exile with Dream he waited for weeks for someone to help him and it just made things worse and if he hadn't managed to once again take matters into his own hands he would've died there.

Right now he has to be "the hero" again because Wilbur is going to free dream and dream will kill Tubbo and everything will go down the drain again because people on this server are lazy fucks.

I mean technoblade who for some reason made it his mission to "protect the server" from tyranny *cough cough police everybody's life's cough cough* took weeks to actually do something against the eggpire. At that point they had kidnapped several people and brainwashed even more. He was there when they locked ranboo with the egg and he just. Waited for weeks after that to actually do something. Like I'm sorry but no wonder Dream sees Tommy as special. The kid is the only one who has actual priorities.

Like I get that he's the only one with a lot of important info but jfc it's not like him telling people would actually change a lot. Like Jesus fuck. This guy is the only somewhat competent motherfucker on this server and the only actually competent one is dream.

Like yknow how we joke about how Tommy can't have a villain arc cuz he's too good? Quite frankly he can't have one because who tf would stop him, either. Like he'd have to invest 0.5 braincells and he'd have won.

No seriously

The eggpire has been doing more than just shady shit for months just getting more and more obvious. And noone was actually doing anything. Some ppl said "mmm I don't like this" and then just kinda... Watched. Again. Technoblade watched ranboo get trapped and yeah he rescued him but then they just. Fckin left. Dream invested some braincells and was able to go "undetected" in broad daylight. Showcasing his villainy and if it wasn't for Tommy he would have gotten away with it Scott free.

If Tommy actually wanted to be a villain? Bitch could do it and fckin succeed because who the actual fuck would even get off their ass to stop him if he's somewhat smart about it?

Anyways that's my rant for today c ya

I love this whole rant so much!

Also yeah, the server as a whole is made of a bunch of lazy useless f*ckers who absolutely LOVE grand epic speaches, but that are completely USELESS when it comes to actually DOING something.

Like, remember the Green Festival when Dream openly admitted in front of EVERYONE that he manipulated Tubbo that whole time just because he wanted the thing he needed to control Tommy before destroying L’Manburg and everyone’s conclusion was SOMEHOW that Tommy was the viallin in all of that?

This fricking idiots have the deduction skills of a 2 years old and the capacity for action of a new born kitten.

That’s of course unless it comes to destroying stuff and causing trauma for some people *cough cough* Techno and Phil *cough cough* by exploding countries and allying themselves with the absolute worst f*ckers in existence with zero repercussions, but I digress!

Quackity is a bit of an exception to this whole thing because he’s the only f*cker aside from Tommy who TRIES to do something! He tried to de-convert BBH, he tried to explode the Egg, he tried to get rid of Techno (justified or not, at least he was DOING something), he is trying to get the knowledge out of Dream so he won’t be useful anymore and he stopped the banquet. Man is actually useful.

But everyone else???

Like, my guys, it really WASN’T that hard to see through Dream’s or the Eggpire bullshit, both of them where actually absurdly open in their f*ckery, WHY did NO ONE ever do anything aside from Tommy and Quackity??

Like of f*cking course Tommy feels like all the responsabilities are on his shoulders, because they fricking are! Who else is gonna stop Wilbur? Phil who SOMEHOW immediately started believing him AGAIN after confronting him about lying to him for months and being persuaded that the assisted suicide was actually the best case scenario? The man who was living in New L’Manburg for WEEKS and yet somehow failed to learn ANY history about them??? Like, who is gonna do it??

#ladycatland ask #tommyinnit #dream smp #long post #this was one hell of a long ass rant from both of us #we are absolutely 100% right though #it's a nice sentiment saying that tommy 'shouldn't have to be the hero'#but truth is that everyone else is just utterly incompetent...

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justatiredghost · 3 years

Text

Living for the Moment Ch22

A series of glimpses at Klaus’ life if he’d met Dave in his mid 20s. His life isn’t magically transformed, love can’t fix either of them when they’re both homeless and in a bad place. They’re not even really ready for a relationship yet. But maybe a supportive friendship can set them on a better path, the two of them inspiring each other to take care of themselves. It’s going to be a long and bumpy ride, and the question is, when will they actually admit to themselves that they have feelings for each other? AO3

Klaus was getting antsy. Morning was rapidly approaching, which meant they were entering their second day here at the Academy, and he was all too aware that Reginald could come home at any moment. He had poor luck at the best of times, and he’d pushed it much farther than he’d like, so unless he wanted a spontaneous reunion, they needed to get out of there.

He knew Dave shouldn’t be on his feet, Grace was taking a look to make sure he hadn’t pulled any stitches during his little escape attempt earlier that night. Leaving right now would be risky, but then, so was staying, and Klaus would much rather take their chances out there. They wouldn’t be leaving empty handed, though. Klaus found a bag in his old room and filled it with food and clothes, even grabbing a few valuables to pawn for good measure. That greedy bastard probably wouldn’t even notice, which was a shame, really.

By the time Klaus was done, he returned to find Dave dutifully breathing into a spirometer for Grace, which struck him as a little odd. It didn’t seem necessary to check his lung capacity after a stab wound in the side, but maybe she was just being thorough. Grace seemed happy enough with the results when Dave finally finished and handed it back, so Klaus pushed that to the back of his mind. He had enough to deal with as it was.

“Morning,” Klaus said, leaning against the door frame.

“Morning,” Dave replied, and there was no reason he should have looked so happy to see him.

“How’s the patient doing?” Klaus asked the room in general.

“He’s coming along very well,” Grace said, then turned to Dave. “Now, try not to move around too much. You still need rest.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Dave replied.

She squeezed his arm, then went to give Klaus a quick kiss on the cheek. “Be good,” she said to him.

“No promises,” Klaus replied, which got a laugh from her.

“Boys will be boys,” she said as she headed down the hall and disappeared from view.

“Your mom is surprisingly chill,” Dave said, once Grace was likely out of earshot. “I was expecting a barrage of questions, showing up like we did. Or did you already get interrogated?”

“Nah, this is nothing,” Klaus said, waving a hand. “She’s had to patch us all up so many times, I don’t think it surprises her anymore. If she even can be surprised, I’m not sure she’s really programmed for it.”

What?” Dave froze, looking alarmed. “Usually, when I hear the word ‘programmed,’ it has to do with, like, manipulation and brainwashing.”

“Or computers,” Klaus shrugged. “She’s a robot.”

“A r—“ Dave snapped his mouth shut, like he couldn’t quite bring himself to say it out loud. He glanced around the room as if searching for something that would make this all make sense. Failing that, he looked back to Klaus. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that? Because for a second I thought you said, ‘robot.’”

“I mean, besides training a child army, Reginald Hargreeves is kind of a world renowned inventor,” Klaus pointed out.

“Yeah, but, a robot? Like, a literal robot? Or just— I’m sorry, I just really can’t tell if you’re joking right now.”

“Yup, a literal robot. Dad built her because he’s emotionally stunted and doesn’t know what to do with a bunch of kids.

“I think my brain might be a little broken,” Dave said, rubbing his temple. “I’m just having a little trouble wrapping my head around it.”

“Wait until you meet Pogo.”

“What?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Klaus said, waving a hand. Now probably wasn’t the best time to get into it. He’d probably already broken Dave’s brain enough for now.

“Wait,” Dave said, scrunching his nose at an unpleasant thought. “Are she and your dad, you know, together?”

“Oh, god, no,” Klaus said. “He’s a monster, but I like to think he draws the line at making a sentient sex toy.”

“That’s a relief,” Dave said, visibly relaxing.

“I mean, he treats her like shit, but he treats everyone like shit.”

“How do you feel about kidnapping?” Dave asked.

“I think, in this case, it’d be theft, and you know I’m down with that, but it’ll have to wait until we have a place to hide her.

“Yeah, I guess,” Dave said, clearly disappointed.

“Speaking of places,” Klaus said, holding up his bag. “I think it’s time we got out of here.”

“Like, now, now?” Dave asked. “I’d feel a little bad just disappearing, like this. I never really got to properly thank her.”

“It’s fine, she won’t mind,” Klaus said, holding his elbow to help him stand. “And we can thank her next time when we come to break her out.”

“I guess that’s—“

They both froze at the sound of the front door opening. It was a very distinct sound. Klaus could remember waiting to hear it as a child, filled with dread, because it meant Reginald was back and their brief freedom from him was over. Or he was bringing back one of his siblings he was doing who-knows-what with during their private lessons. If Klaus’ involved being trapped with ghosts, who knew what the others were going through. That was a feeling that was hard to shake. Even now, years later, he still felt it, like ice down his spine, and he shuddered. Ben appeared and they shared a look, and it was obvious that, dead or not, he was feeling something similar. They were near the back of the house, at least, which meant they had a chance of getting out unseen. Or, well, one of them could if the other provided a distraction. They just had to be fast.

“You sneak out the back, I’ll distract them,” Klaus whispered.

“What? No, I’m not just gonna leave you,” Dave whispered back.

“It’s fine, they’re my family, they’ll just be annoyed to see me. You, on the other hand, could be arrested for trespassing.”

“Wouldn’t put it past him,” Ben agreed. Not that Dave could actually hear him.

“Besides,” he continued, holding up the bag. “Someone has to sneak out the goods.”

Dave looked back and forth between Klaus and the doorway, looking uncertain. Finally, he gave in with a frustrated sound and nodded. “Promise you’ll be okay?”

“Yeah, definitely,” he lied. He had no idea what to expect, he never did. But that was just all the more reason to get Dave out of there.

As it was, Dave nodded reluctantly and Klaus went to pass him the bag, but it was heavy, so he pulled out a vase and a paperweight he’d swiped and set them aside. Deciding it was good enough, he passed the bag over, ignoring Dave’s amused look. Klaus watched a moment as he hobbled off towards the back door, then he took a deep breath to prepare himself.

“You okay?” Ben asked sympathetically.

“Of course,” Klaus lied. “Why wouldn’t I be?” Thinking ahead, he grabbed the paperweight and slipped it into his waistband.

“What are you doing?” Ben asked with a groan.

“Look, if they stop me from stealing something, they’ll be a lot less suspicious about what else I might have gotten up to.”

“That— actually makes sense.”

Squaring his shoulders, he headed towards the front of the house, Ben looking just as nervous as he felt. They both stopped dead the moment they turned the corner and actually saw Reginald and Luther taking off their coats in the entry hall. This shouldn’t have been a big deal, just a brief ‘hello,’ before he was tossed back out onto the streets, but just the sight of this man brought everything back. Every disappointed look, every dismissive word, every cruel comment. Whatever he tried to be with Dave, this was a reminder of the fuckup he truly was.

Yes, he was a failure and a disappointment. Yes, he lived his life wasting away, slowly killing himself. It didn’t really matter what anyone else thought, none of it bothered him, all he cared about was finding that sweet oblivion, any sort of freedom from the ghosts. But standing here in front of him made him feel like he was a scared child again.. It was a fucked up feeling and he had to swallow down bile rising in his throat before he could put on a smile. He wasn’t nearly high enough for this.

He had given up trying to please him, to be the good child, so long ago, he knew it was impossible and he’d done all he could to burn that bridge so he could stop feeling this way, but it hadn’t worked. He was still his father, and he was afraid a small part of him would always care what he thought. Which just made him want to dig his heels in harder and piss him off more.

“Hey Pops, Luther,” he greeted, the two of them looking up in surprise. Ben looked at him sharply, like he’d already done the wrong thing, but he ignored him. Instead, he gestured to Luther. “Still rocking the uniform, I see.”

“What do you think you’re doing here?” Reginald demanded, and it sent a thrill of old panic through him, flashes of grasping hands in the darkness, his father slamming the door, locking him in with them. He tried to push all that aside. Now would be a terrible time to have a panic attack. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ben stand up a little straighter, as if he was the one about to be scolded.

“Oh, you know,” Klaus said airily, gesturing broadly like he did when he wanted to be distracting, to hide anything he didn't want anyone to see. Ben shot him a pleading look, and no doubt he was right, this whole thing would probably go a lot smoother if he was polite and minded his manners, but no amount of behaving and staying in line had ever spared him from the horrors of their childhood, so why bother? He might as well make this as annoying as possible for Reginald, and maybe have a little fun while he was at it. “I just thought I’d swing by and pick up a few things I left here, maybe say hello.”

Reginald studied him for a long moment, eyes narrowed in distaste. “You deal with this, Number One,” he said, turning away like he wasn’t even worth his acknowledgement, like he truly was less than filth. Somehow, it still hurt a little, despite everything. This was best case scenario, he should be relieved, and yet it felt like one more barb to add to the collection.

“Come on,” Luther said with a heavy sigh, extending a hand.

“Fine, you caught me,” Klaus said, pulling out the paperweight from his pants and dropping it into his hand. “You guys interrupted, that’s all I was able to get my hands on.”

Luther made a face and set it aside. Then, he grabbed a fistful of the back of Klaus’ jacket and started bodily dragging him to the front door.

“What, no hug?” Klaus said, letting himself be pulled along.

Luther opened the front door and shoved him outside, slamming the door before he could say anything else. Propelled by his impressive strength, Klaus stumbled forward, tripping down the stairs and landing on his hands and knees. He jumped back up onto his feet quickly, brushing off his scraped hands, acting as if it hadn’t hurt at all.

“Okay, I’ll talk to you later, then,” he yelled back at the closed door.

“Shit, Klaus, are you okay?” Dave said, abandoning his hiding spot around the side of the building and hurrying over as best he could.

“He was gentler than usual,” Klaus said. “I think he really did miss me.”

“Come on, let’s get out of here,” Dave said, glancing back at the front door with concern as he took his arm, as if he was going to support Klaus and not the other way around.

“Hey, it went better than I expected,” Klaus said, because he didn’t like how grim Dave looked. And he was feeling a little manic. If he stopped talking, to think about his father in any depth, or any of this, really, he might have a breakdown. He could really do with a hit right about now.

Dave didn’t reply, and he definitely didn’t look reassured. At least he didn’t pry. Ben was silent, too, following along behind, looking grim, lost in his own thoughts.

“You guys are no fun,” he muttered. The least they could do was joke along. It made things easier.

#Klaus Hargreeves #dave katz #klave #Klaus x Dave #umbrella academy #the umbrella academy #living for the moment #Fanfic #im really sorry this is so short #live has been #A lot #But im trying to get back into things #Hope this is okay #feel free to let me know what you think #Feedback is always appreciated!

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illyaana · 3 years

Text

Tags: Fluff, Angst, Soulmate! au, Mafia! au, Pro Hero! Shoto x quirkless mafia leader! reader, No Specific Gender for Reader, Cursing, Violence

Synopsis: You are a leader of a mafia that had ties with the League of Villains. You declined a transaction with them and planned to leave the scene. Suddenly, heroes surrounded the area and you were captured. Aizawa, Shinsou and Todoroki interrogated you. In the midst of the interrogation, Shoto finds out that you are his soulmate.

How to identify a soulmate: You can communicate with your soulmate by drawing or writing something on your body.

Thanks to @horseanon--simpforall for having this collab! I usually don't do the whole soulmate trope, but it always was nice to read and it was fun to write! Hope you enjoy this compilation of your first times with Shoto! Yes, I love Shoto very much, thank you. Kettle boy is the best boy. ヾ(•ω•`)oヾ(•ω•`)oヾ(•ω•`)o

Warning: This fanfic does mention some graphic things (abuse, suicide, death, etc.) so if you aren't comfortable with it, please don't force yourself.

Blood, blood, blood.

That was your nights. Killing off rogue members, bagging their bodies and collecting their quirks for the mafia you are currently leading.

Yes, you heard that right; stealing their quirks.

Thanks to the technological developments the 'company' you owned, Ahnia Technologies, have made throughout the years, you have managed to steal quirks without having a quirk itself.

All thanks to a small gun that fits in your pocket.

The illegal business of stealing and giving quirks to others since the fall of All for One is completely dominated by your mafia now.

And it all happened under a company that 'promised' the betterment of Japan and the world.

To be fair, you did invent some stuff for the safety of the country, but they worked better in collecting data on people, be it heroes, villains or viligantes.

"Persephone, you need to leave now. Shigaraki is waiting for you," said Toga, fiddling with the knife in her hand.

Ah yes, your villain name; Persephone - The bringer of death.

Your name was known throughout the streets of Musutafu, yet no one really knew how you looked like, thanks to the power of makeup. You never covered the scars you've received throughout the years of villainy. The scars you bore are the scars you wear with pride, along with your Haladie sword and your retractable iron hand claws.

That's all they knew. That was Persephone.

After all, who would think the CEO of Ahnia Technologies would be the leader of Diavolos; the strongest mafia in Japan?

No one knew the sweetheart of the science industry, L/N Y/N, was Persephone, and no one will. Those who knew are long gone - be it by God's hands or yours.

You got up from your seat at the bar, thanking Kurogiri for the Whiskey on the rocks.

Walking towards the inner room, you spotted Dabi leaning against the wall, toying with the staples on his face. Beside him stood Hawks, eyes gawking at you, taking mental notes. In the middle of the room sat Shigaraki Tomura. The sky blue-haired man with scars all over his neck paid close attention to your Haladie sword, blood dripping off of each end.

"Killing spree?" He question, a smug tone ringing off of him.

You turned to him, a smile graced your face. "As always."

He got off his chair and walked towards you, raising his gloved hand to you. You snickered when you saw your company's name written on the wristband. So they do have some money.

"Pleasure to meet you again," he said, slowly taking off the prosthetic hand on his face. You took the gloved hand in yours, shaking it slowly.

"I'll just get straight into it; we need some quirks for these Nomus." Soon came gigantic Nomus, their hands swinging as they bumped into places. The ground shook as they slowly walked in. Their purple skin filled with little holes thanks to all the testing the League of Villains did on them.

"Aren't they strong enough?" you questioned, "Besides, I don't believe they have the mental capacity to use quirks that require the orders from the quirk user itself-"

You were cut off by Shigaraki's ungloved hand touching your iron hand claws. "I just asked for quirks, not your opinion." He said, his red eyes staring dead into yours.

You extended your iron claws, every single one going through Shigaraki's hand. Your empty hand withdrew your Haladie sword and aimed it straight at his throat. You began to smirk, looking at his scared expression.

"If you wanted to fuck up the very thing you spent hours on developing on, be my guest. However, don't drag my fucking business with it," You said, venom dripping off your words.

While you stared at your sword, you spotted a small heart engraved on your wrist.

Your soulmate wanted to cheer you up.

You remembered how badly you wanted to meet your soulmate when you were younger. Your parents smiled as you showed the small things your soulmate did. A little drawing of a smile on your wrist, them drawing a flower...

Then you were brought into the family business.

The happy-go-lucky girl you were back then vanished almost instantly.

The training, the killing sprees, the interrogations - it all erased your humanity.

Yet, the need to meet your soulmate always stayed.

Somehow, they always knew when you were having a bad day and knew just how to make it better.

You were already 24. The usual age you meet your soulmate was 18. You wanted to give up so many times, but the small things they did stopped you every time.

You awoke from your daze the instant you felt a temperature change.

You removed the sword from Shigaraki's throat and retraced the iron blades.

"We're never having business transactions ever again, Shigaraki. Not after this buffoonery of a display you've done today. Consider this a warning; mess with me and you'll be in a casket the next day." You said, leaving the room.

But it was too late.

All the Pro Heroes surrounded the area around the bar. An ice wall was built around both Kurogiri and Toga along with Eraserhead cancelling both their quirks.

On instinct, you ejected one of your blades to hit Aizawa on the cheek, forcing him to drop his stare on Kurogiri and Toga. They never did anything bad to you, they were good people.

"Go, don't worry about me!" You screamed at Kurogiri, knowing he'd try to take you with the rest of the League to safety. He needed to protect them, I can protect myself.

He nodded and proceeded to warp to the smaller room, take the rest of the League members and warp away.

You felt the heroes run towards you. You smirked, knowing that you could easily take them down.

Suddenly, you felt a sharp feather around your neck, slowly digging into your skin.

"You aren't escaping, baby bird," Hawks whispered as he removed your gear, leaving you powerless. You soon felt a needle being pushed into your arm, darkness slowly engulfing you.

You woke up in an interrogation room. Your hands were chained to the table in front of you. The mismatched arrangement of the bricks that had chipped through the years reminding you of your years under your father.

That sick man ruined you.

That sick man ruined your family.

That sick man made you the revolting thing you are now; a fucking villain who killed more lives than a bomb.

You began laughing to yourself. You became this to stay away from the dark room he used to shut you in, yet here you are; in another fucking dark room but with chains now!

What the fuck is my life!?

I- I am just so fucked up, aren't I?

At least I killed that son of a bitch.

At least I burned that fucking house.

At least my mom died before she could see me become this - his masterpiece.

You soon began to write on your arm, hoping your soulmate was awake. "Hey, you awake?"

You soon felt a warm sensation on your arm. "Yeah. You good?"

You chuckled. At least they care. "Nope. I fucked up this time, and pretty badly," you began writing on your upper arm, letting the words earlier slowly fade.

"Well, if you want to vent, you know where to write," they replied with a small smiley-face at the end.

"How was yours?" you asked, directing the conversation to something more positive, hopefully.

"It went great! I finally managed to catch something I really wanted to catch for a long time!" they replied, their writing slowly moving diagonally. At least they had a good day.

Your happy trail of thoughts was interrupted when Brainwasher, Eraserhead and Shoto entered the room. The smile you had turned into a scowl when you saw them, especially Brainwasher.

"Wow Aizawa, is today bring your kid to work day?" you said, teasing the Pro Hero. You knew that Shinsou was the worst person to deal with in an interrogation setting. He could easily control you the minute you respond to him.

'Let's just talk to Aizawa and Todoroki then. If I don't respond to Shinsou, I'll be just fine. Oooh - better yet, just keep quiet,' you thought to yourself as the three heroes proceeded to sit down. 'Messing with them would just make my day better, anyway.'

"Mind telling us who you are, Persephone?" Shoto began, trying to be polite.

"So I am Hades' wife. I am the Goddess of Spring, daughter of Demeter. I am also considered the Harbinger of Death," you said, leaving them annoyed. "I guess you all don't like Greek Mythology!" you said, smiling.

They tried to get you to talk, but every single time they pried, you just kept on laughing, slowly pushing their limits. Shinsou tried getting you to talk to him, but you just stared at Shoto and Aizawa, laughing louder and louder.

"I swear to God, what's the fuck is wrong with you?!" Eraserhead screamed, hitting the metal table.

You were waiting for this question. With a smile, you replied, "Everything."

Aizawa saw something in you with that answer; the unresolved anger you had towards someone. He knew if he hit just the right nerve, you'd spill everything.

"Why? Did Daddy fuck you up?" He said, a smug tone lacing his words. You saw Shinsou and Todoroki turn to face Aizawa with a bewildered expression.

You, however, just stared at him blankly. "How did you know?"

You felt numb. This man just sat beside you for a few minutes, yet he already knew how badly you were fucked up by that fucktard.

"Yes, Daddy fucked me up. He made me kill people at the age of 5. He didn't let me go to school because he wanted me to only kill for him, nothing else. I may be quirkless, but he knew that I would do just the same - actually more - damage a person with a lousy-ass quirk would."

Their eyes widened when you revealed that you were quirkless.

"What? Shocked that a regular person could kill over 20 Pro Heroes with just a bunch of blades?" You said, feeling a smirk slowly forming your face. "It was fun killing that All Might guy. You could say it was payback. After all, that son of a bitch couldn't protect me when he was living so close to me."

You began to laugh more as you saw they began to form tears.

"Oh, that isn't the worse part. The worse part of it all was the torture I went through. Have you ever imagined your 10-year old self hanging on the wall via chains, chains like these," you shook the handcuffs, "All because you couldn't kill a rabbit. Oh yeah, It was a package deal; chains plus 50 whips! " you ended, lifting up your shirt slightly to show the scars you received from it.

"Luckily my mom died before she could see me become like this. She was an angel. When she was around, Dad was actually a nice guy. The mafia was more of a family. We took care of everyone, finances and all." You stood up from your seat and sat on the table examining their faces.

"And now, I have to kill the people who try to run away, all because the elders force me to." You ended, crying.

These thoughts were a river you kept at bay.

You never wanted anyone besides the elders to know.

You were the leader, the pillar.

If you fall, they fall with you.

"I actually liked All Might as a hero, you know," you said through the tears. "He actually played with me, bought me gifts and treated me like the kid I was supposed to be."

You wiped the tears falling from your eyes.

Todoroki stared at your wrist, seeing what your soulmate wrote.

You chuckled, looking at the heterochromatic eyed man. "It was from my soulmate. I never met them, nor will I ever meet them. I guess they would only know who I truly am." You sniffled.

Shoto started to draw on his left arm a small heart with a distinctive flower in the middle.

Soon you felt your left arm tingle and there it was - the exact same heart with the exact same flower.

You stared at him, his eyes softening. "I wished I saved you earlier, but I'll save you now."

You smiled, looking at his determination. However, it was too late.

You've fallen a bit too deep to be saved now.

"Shoto..." you said, a sad smile gracing your lips, "...you can't. I've killed too many to be just signed off with a pardon or time in jail."

He began tearing. Your heart broke at the sight of him breaking down in front of you.

The cheerful man you knew from the years and years of conversations stood in front of you, willing to do whatever it took to get you in his arms - unchained and free - was sobbing. His cold facade long gone, only covered with grief and sorrow.

You, however, felt a warmth in your heart.

You finally got to meet your soulmate.

You finally are happy.

There and then, you knew what you needed to do.

"I'll tell you everything," you looked at Aizawa, "all the dirt I have on the villains and the vigilantes in Musutafu, I'll tell you."

He stared at you, smiling sadly.

"I'll even tell you who I am. In exchange, give me a full day with Shoto with no surveillance. I promise to not run away or do anything of that sort. I'll even take the death penalty I know that was fixed for me." you ended.

Shoto's anger began to boil. You felt it grow, the temperature in the room rapidly increasing.

Before Shoto could say anything, Aizawa agreed.

Shoto fell back on his chair, his hair now dishevelled - red mixing with white. His tear-streaked face now facing yours, taking in what he believed was your face.

"Shoto, could you please get me a towel? I feel a bit dirty... If possible, could you wet it, too?" You asked Shoto, knowing he needed to leave and get some fresh air. He quickly responded with a nod and went out of the room.

The minute he stepped out of the room, you faced Shinsou.

"I'm giving you full permission, Shinsou. Go ahead and see everything. I don't want to tell Shoto all I know. Let me tell you three who I am, at least," you ended with a chuckle.

You felt yourself relax as Shinsou soon entered your consciousness. It didn't feel painful or numb, like how Midoriya described it to Uraraka and Iida. It was as if someone just entered your room and wanted to see the things in it. Maybe it was because you willingly let him do it...

The feeling you had while he was reading your mind was as if you were with your mom in the small swimming pool she rented when you were a kid.

She gripped on your sides as she taught you how to swim, telling you to let the water be your friend and not oppose it.

It was calming... relaxing...

The minute you felt him leave, you felt the control of your body come back to you.

You saw sadness in Shinsou's eyes when he stared back at you. You just smiled and nodded at him, not knowing what to do.

Soon, Aizawa removed your handcuffs. You immediately stretched your wrists, moving your palms in a circular motion.

Shoto came rushing in with a bowl of water, a cloth and a bar of soap. He placed it in front of you and gave you a kiss on your head, leaving you a blushing mess.

He sat back on his chair and faced you, waiting for you to remove the dirt on your face to see your features better.

"Let's get this out of the way, shall we?" you chuckled, dipping the cloth in the water and slowly rubbing your face. You rubbed your hands with the bar of soap and then proceeded to rub the soap in your hands on your face, feeling your scars. After rinsing the soap off, you faced the three men.

"Hi, I am L/N Y/N, also known as Persephone." You looked at them, enjoying the shocked look on their faces.

You saw him begin to tear again. You instinctively got up and hugged him from the back. You began to rub the tears away, stopping any more from falling from his precious face. He began to relax into your touch, slowly placing the back of his head against your collarbone.

"Shoto," you said, turning your face to face him, "In my hand claw, there is a USB in a compartment right beneath the palm area. It contains everything on Ahnia Technologies. The money, the technology yet to be released along with the data on Diavolos. I'm leaving it to you."

"Don't cry, okay? I only have you for a few more hours, no more crying." You said, giving a kiss on his cheek.

"Help the people in Diavolo. Yes, some of them have done extremely bad things, but it was all because of me and my tyrant father," you clarified. "Help them live better lives, okay?"

You felt him give you a nod and you smiled.

You released yourself from the hug, looking at Aizawa. "I believe I can leave now, right?"

Shoto grabbed you by your wrists and ran out of the building. "I am going to make it the best 23 fucking hours of your life."

And it was.

The few hours you spent with Todoroki had been the best hours of your life.

It didn't feel sappy as the stories the elders used to tell you. It felt comfortable and right just to be with him.

The view of him eating cold soba in front of you, you both singing your lungs out to Paramore, you both relaxing at a book cafe - all of it - it felt just comforting and how a home should feel like.

The best part of it all - he could introduce you to his friends since they didn't know you were Persephone.

You hung out with Midoriya, Iida, Ochako, Tsuyu and Momo for 4 whole hours.

They took half the day off - just because Todoroki met his soulmate.

It kept making you think if you were born in a normal family, would have this been your life?

What if you entered a support class and just so happen to meet Todoroki there?

Would your life be like this? Surrounded by a bunch of friends, protecting Musutafu and being helpful to the world you loved?

You were cut off from your train of thought when Uraraka sat beside you. "You know, whenever you both talked to each other when we were in Yuuei, he used to actually giggle reading at your messages. He really wanted to ask for your number and meet up, but he felt he'd be pushing it a bit too far, so he just waited for you to stumble upon you." She said, beaming.

"We really thought he would never meet you, yet here you are! And he scored, man! A tech CEO? Honey, you have money-" You cut Ochaco with your laughter.

"You know he is way richer than me, right?" You said, wiping the tears of joy.

You were brought back to the conversation Uraraka just had with you.

You should've made the first move.

You knew he wouldn't be the one to make the bold moves.

You should've asked him.

You could've had so many dates with him, yet here you are counting down the hours before you get killed.

You felt two arms wrap around you, making you flinch. "You should really stop thinking too hard, Y/N," Shoto said, pressing on the fold formed on your forehead. "The day is too precious for that."

After saying goodbye to his friends, he drove you to his apartment.

To say it was beautiful is an understatement.

There were so many potted plants that enhanced the small gold accents he placed throughout the small apartment. It was the perfect mix of greens with the feel of a modern-day home.

"For one of the richest Japanese people in the world, you have a very small apartment," you said, chuckling. "It's perfect."

For the rest of the day, you both binged on movies, enjoying the feeling of being close to each other.

You played with Todoroki's fingers that were wrapped around your waist. His head was directly on the not of your head. He then pressed his nose on your neck, deeply breathing in your scent, humming softly.

This was all you needed.

Him in your arms and you in his.

In his small, quaint apartment, away from everyone else.

Soon, his phone rang. You looked at the caller ID and you already knew what was going to happen.

Your time is up.

It was time for you to leave for good.

You felt his hesitation to pick up the phone, so you did it for him.

"Hello Aizawa, where should Todoroki and I meet you?" you asked, feeling the grip on your waist tighten.

"Okay, noted. We'll be there soon," you said, ending the call.

You felt your back getting warmer thanks to the tears falling from Shoto's eyes. "I'm not letting you go."

You can't cry now.

You need to be strong.

This isn't the time to succumb to the sadness, Y/N.

You turned your back to face your soulmate. You pressed your forehead and placed your hands on his cheeks. "Todo..."

He didn't reply.

He didn't want to.

"Todo..." you whisper again, your voice slightly shaking.

He puts his hands on yours, his sobs turning into sniffles.

You raised his face to face yours, eyeing his lips. Your thumb grazes on his burn, his eyes immediately closing, enjoying the feeling.

Slowly, you placed your lips on his. In an instant, he responded, pressing his lips on yours. Small sparks emitted from that small contact. Each time his lips devoured yours, you melted even more. His arms snaked around your waist, pulling you closer to him.

He wanted to feel you against him as much as he could.

Your hands left his cheeks and your arms moved to the back of his neck. You entangled your fingers in his dual-coloured hair, earning a small groan from him.

You soon pulled away. You placed the pad of your thumb on his lip, enjoying the feeling of it.

"Let me talk, okay?" you said. He soon nodded, knowing you wanted to get some things off your chest.

"Thank you for this, Sho. You gave me everything I could have ever wanted in these few hours, and for that, I am eternally grateful," you said, smiling weakly. "...You wanna know something?"

His eyes widened, focusing solely on you.

"The whole day I wondered if I didn't take over the mafia, how would we collide? Back then, I tried running away so many times. What if I managed to do it?" you started.

"I definitely would've tried out for UA for the support classes. I might have passed and entered 1-H. Maybe you needed to touch up your gear and you would've met me. But knowing how thick-headed we both are, we would've not seen the marks on each other's arms," you both laughed.

"We maybe would've crossed paths in the second year. I most probably would have developed a crush on you and maybe after seeing our marks, we would've begun dating." You said, cupping his cheeks. "Maybe we would be even sharing this very apartment."

"But that's not how our lives worked out. I got caught every single time and eventually gave in. I became the leader of Diavolos and I killed all those people, even the very person who gave me a glimpse of life as a normal kid," you began to tear, "I don't want to live like this anymore, Sho."

"I can't live remembering every single person I killed. I can't live carrying that Haladie blade and iron claw and not want to die almost every second. I can't live in this apartment without giving you all of me when you so easily can," you took a minute to calm yourself down, "I don't want to live anymore, Shoto."

Shoto's face darkened. "So, you're planning to leave me here, after - what - 25 years of waiting for you? You can't be this selfish, Y/N."

You knew that this was selfish.

Heck, anyone would know that this is selfish.

"I need to repent for my sins, Shoto. No community work can suffice for all the villainy I've committed," you ended.

The silence that ensued was deafening.

The sniffles that came from the both of you with the sound the fan gave off were the only sounds to come after.

After a few minutes, Shoto spoke. "All my life, I thought meeting your soulmate was something the Devil wished upon you. My father basically drove my mother to insanity and made my own oldest brother become a villain," he began. "I wish I could say the same about ours, but I can't."

"These few hours were the best fucking hours of my life. Every single moment I had with you is forever engraved in my mind, Y/N. You so easily broke my walls, ever since we were small," he gripped on you tighter, "I will always remember your small words to get me moving, how you'd push me to do more, to talk more and become more social."

"I love you, Y/N, but I need to give you away, right?" he said, looking at you with tear-filled eyes. His eyes begged you to deny the last statement, but your mind was already made up.

You nodded your head and pulled him into a hug.

Soon, you both were in his car, driving to where Aizawa asked to meet up.

Once you reached, you followed Aizawa and left Shoto in the room you were in before.

You got on the electric chair, closing your eyes as you felt the wet sponge being placed on your head.

From afar, you could hear Midoriya and Uraraka shouting at Aizawa to stop whatever he was doing, but Shoto stopped them.

You couldn't hear Shoto's answer when they asked why.

WC: 4406.

Ah, my favourite trope; messed up :'). I hope you enjoyed it! Each of the reblogs and likes is helping this blog grow, so thanks for all the support. Until the next fanfic! <3 First time hitting more than 2k word count so 0.0

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victorian-nymph · 2 years

Note

I better not see homelander go anywhere NEAR Ryan again because Homelander will just completely brainwash poor Ryan, and make it permanent. Mold him into the little perfect heir. Just because Homelander never had actual friends, family, nor fell in love (genuinely and healthily), he thinks he has the right to forbid it to his very own son, Ryan, who he only treats as property, blood that is. That abomination would want his son to be with a stronger yet charismatic person over a "weakling" (i.e. mere mortal or weaker supe). He didn't have enough with guilt-tripping Ryan away from his mother (Becca) and to treat Ryan like as an extension of himself, Homelander has to take EVERYTHING away from Ryan by manipulating him. What's Ryan going to do if Homelander abuses his lover(s) (the one(s) Ryan chooses and have a healthy relationship with), his real friends, the in-laws who are better family to Ryan than homelander, Ryan's children, etc? This really disturbing.... The environment with Homelander is not the environment for facilitating and nurturing shit. Also, Homelander is the type of parent to want to choose a spouse for their kids. I wouldn't be surprised if Homelander got a eugenics problem (no thanks to Stormfront and Vogelbaum).

I have to say I'm baffled at how this is framed as a textpost that could be posted at random rather than a "hey what are your thoughts on homelander and his capacity to parent Ryan". But yeah I agree Homelander's a shitass and I think he would have more than likely been a narcissistic parent to Ryan had he been allowed custody of him. The only time he shows him actual empathy is in episode 10 but only because he has a frame of reference I don't think he would have shown him much sympathy for freaking out in public if Homelander himself hadn't been raised in isolation. Otherwise he sees Ryan more like a clone of him and his heir, his hope for him seems more based out of his glee he has a child that is as powerful as he is and is angry at Becca when he finds out that she's raised him as a normal child (side note I hate the "I don't want my son to grow up the way I did" okay sure he has a point they shouldn't be raising Ryan in isolation but it's literally his fault that happened)

And yeah Homelander has a eugenics problem, he refers to non-supes as "mud people" at one point I think.

#penelope's letters #bro who keeps sending these whole rants to me #My contributions to this fandom are mostly memes dgfshgjnehdfjh #the boys #sir pls this is a mcdonalds

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restingdomface · 5 years

Text

Lan Wangji makes extremely deadpan videos of his daily life with Wei Wuxian and their kids and nephews (and nieces if JC and JYL had more). This would include:

*shows a video of LWJ staring out the window for a solid thirty seconds, face entirely unchanged and somewhat disappointed, turns camera around to show Wei Wuxian and the kiddos putting mentos in soda bottles and trying to chuck them at each other, camera pans back to his face, still entirely devoid of emotion*

That one time Jin Ling got stuck up a tree and Wei Wuxian tried to get him down and also got stuck up there and now the other kids are looking for a ladder while LWJ just watches them from the patio, drinking tea. The kids finally give up and shamefully come to LWJ and ask him for help, he gets his husband and nephew down without a word.

The one where he buried 5yo A-Yuan in a pile of bunnies and got scolded by Lan Xichen for it because they might bite him if they get annoyed with him.

There is an entire compilation of rabbits that won’t leave him alone. Climb into his lap. Follow him with every step. Get excited when he comes outside. Hear a guqin and start looking for him. Just. He’s the rabbit whisperer. One of the black ones is just about always with him.

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian interacting in any capacity is going to involve a lot of hitting each other and pushing each other over. Only-child kids think they hate each other, but people with siblings are all ‘no no, siblings are just Like That’. People think Yanli is all innocent till they realize she def only tells them to stop when she thinks they might actually get on each other’s nerves. She’s in the ‘boys will rough house and probably only have one collective braincell’ category.

People won’t stop asking him if he speaks so he vaguely makes mentions of having extremely low verbility. They ask if he does sign and he’s not really sure how (lol cause words hard) to explain to them that sign doesn’t really help when the issue is more of him not having much to say tbh. This is apparently the wrong thing to say because then people start being all ‘yeah I get you, I’m pretty dumb too, at least you’re pretty’ and he’s just sorta sitting there with this smacked fish look on his face while WWX can’t stop laughing next to him at the very idea of someone calling his husband slow. Wow. LWJ just sorta finally gets out that he has like two degrees and teaches giqun lessons and it’s amazing. The kids find out about it and can’t stop laughing for hours.

“Hey, why did you name your son ‘sorrow and longing’?” *commense 10 minute video of that time Wei Wuxian got arrested for something to do with a satanic ritual and that’s when LWJ ended up with custody of his adopted son for the next three years and he was in a really angsty mood tbh so it just kinda happened* not a single commenter expected that, even less so when he mentions that they weren’t even together at that point

Films what the viewers think is a prank at first, where he pours a dangerous amount of chili powder into a mug of hot chocolate (with a completely straight face) and then brings it to WWX who takes a drink and makes a dreamy little sigh and goes ‘you always know how to make it just like I want it’ and no one is sure how to react to this video. It’s like watching someone peel and eat a lemon.

You know that video of the girl with the deadpan voice saying she went downstairs to take a shower and there was something brown in the bottom of the tub but it turned out to be potatoes and she’s all ‘not a problem I was expecting, but a problem I can handle’? Okay so that’s how he talks in every video. WWX hands him a baby and he talks to them exactly like that. People ask if he’s good with kids and WWX is all ‘yeah, he’s not just a rabbit whisperer, he’s a baby whisperer too, he’s super great with kids’ *shows LWJ talking to a baby in That Voice while the baby looks at him in utter adoration*

“What’s it like growing up gay? Do you ever get shit for it?” LWJ.exe has stopped working, he has only met one straight couple the same age as him and they’re his sister in law. His brother has three boyfriends, one of which is his brother-in-law. He doesn’t know what a het-er-o-sexual is and he doesn’t want to. Pretty sure his uncle is acearo and hasn’t seen his parents in like 20 years.

LWJ: ‘I apologize for being so emotional in my last video.’ *viewers scrambled to find what video he meant because they ain’t ever seen that man emotional before but end up finding a video where Sizhui told him he loved him and called him papa and gave him a hug while WWX filmed, you can barely see LWJ’s left eye twitching and he pets Sizhui’s head for a moment* viewers are very confused on how this constitutes emotionalism.

Viewers ask to see his brother ‘you know, the one who apparently has three boyfriends’ and LWJ posts a video of LXC passed out on a couch with like three fully grown men all in various states of sliding off onto the floor while the teens play a game of ‘who can stack the most random objects on uncle’s bodies without them waking’ because apparently LWJ and WWX were gone for a weekend and the uncles were supposed to watch the kids (like, all ten of them probably, there’s probably a lot of kids) and it’s Sizhui filming the whole thing cause he’s the ‘good one’ and never does bad things. But he’s also like Auntie Yanli and is totally gonna egg them on from the sidelines.

WWX hands LWJ literally any food and LWJ will eat it all with a completely straight face but as soon as WWX is turned around LWJ is chugging a glass of milk with a look of death on his face. The kiddos straight up can’t stomach his cooking.

😭 someone asks why their hair is all so long and LWJ puts up a video of chatty adorable Sizhui braiding WWX’s hair while he tells him about his day at school. It’s. Too. Cute.

The never ending debate on if LWJ’s deadpan personality/speech is acting or not. No matter how much everyone assures them he’s really just Like That people just aren’t convinced.

Someone points out several times that in their house they have a room with a satanic symbol on the door. That’s just WWX’s home office it’s all good. This is treated as ‘lol WWX is so dramatic’ for like four whole weeks before LWJ posts a video of Sizhui standing outside the office looking nervous. ‘What’s wrong?’ He says. ‘Dad called me into his office.’ Sizhui replies. ‘WWX must be a very strict father,’ the viewers think. That’s not it. That’s not it at all tbh. That video got flagged on like four different platforms and kept getting removed for graphic images and half their viewers don’t. Want. To know. What happened. In that office. (WWX doesn’t even see what the big deal was, that goat was dead when he bought it shut up.)

The others do videos sometimes too lol. Videos include

Jin Ling’s compilation of ‘Mom, what’s for dinner’ and the answer is Always Lotus root and pork rib soup. Someone asks ‘lol she must make that often’ and JL is all ‘lol often, fairly sure she got same-food syndrome, it’s always soup’.

Lan Sizhui at like 17 years old: The one true secret I’ve never told my dads? My most shameful lie? Rabbits aren’t my favorite. My favorite is butterflies. *proceeds to cuddle a bun* I’m sorry Mister Bun, but you just aren’t nearly as pretty as butterflies.

Shaky video of someone sitting on the couch, pointed at NMJ: Brother, while you’re away on vacation with your boyfriends, I don’t plan on leaving this spot for even a minute. NMJ: Oh yeah? What’ll you do when you have to use the bathroom? NHS: Listen, I found a guy on Craig’s List who’s exact fetish is lazy young men who refuse to move and also diapers exist and he’ll be my slave for the week if I let him change me. NMJ: ...I’m taking you with me on vacation. NHS: Yay! NMJ: I’m also taking your phone away. NHS: -wait, no- NMJ: Too late.

Jin Ling: JiuJiu, I spilt soda on your Valentino white belt. Jiang Cheng: *incomprehensible sputtering* -soda on my Valentino white belt-!

Sizhui: *brings Jingyi a bowl of food* Here. Jingyi: Thank you! *takes a bite, face falls in terror, gives Sizhui a betrayed look* Sizhui: Dad’s worried I’m getting sick, he said this would clear my chest cold up. He didn’t consider what horrible things it would do to my bowels instead. Please eat it, he gets sad when I don’t finish what he makes. Jingyi: *glaring* Just dump it down the garbage disposal! Sizhui: *def has a fever if he didn’t think of that* Oh. Good idea.

LWJ: *swaying in place* WWX: This bitch drunk as hell. LWJ: I’m. Gonna comit. A crime. WWX: *crying a little* I love drunk hubby times. A full shot of vodka and he’s not gonna remember any of this. Hey kids, I’m taking Papa on a walk! Sizhui’s in charge!

Zizhen: *sitting quietly on the couch while LSZ, LJY and JL all argue behind him somewhere, covering his mouth with a slightly horrified look* Jingyi: I mean, that’s not fair at all! Who HASNT made out with their cousin at one point or another? Ling: ... Sizhui: You said you’d never bring that up again please shut up. Ling: ...!!!!!! Zizhen: Amazing.

That one time the kiddos hypnotized Jin Ling into thinking he was a kitten. The adults all thought it was really weird that he was finally going through the whole ‘pretending to be an animal’ phase at like ten, but then the kiddos fessed up to learning how to hypnotize and they aren’t sure how to fix it. WWX instigated a rule that no brainwashing is allowed outside his office from now on.

People ask how WWX and LWJ met and it’s told from the POV of Lan Qiren who progressively getting drunker as he tells the story of the terrible high school romance that he had to watch between bad boy WWX and his precious baby angel nephew that made him consider quitting and how no one believed them when they insisted they didn’t get together till after WWX got out of jail for the cow incident.

#the grandmaster of demonic cultivation #the untamed #mdzs #incorrect untamed quotes #incorrect mdzs #wei wuxian #lan wangji #wangxian #jiang cheng #lan sizhui #juniors #lan jingyi #lan juniors #jin ling #nie mingjue #nie huaisang #nie brothers #ouyang zizhen #lan qiren

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sweet-taiyaki · 3 years

Text

Cherry Blossoms in the Spring 🌸 (Finale)

Pairing: ProHero!Katsuki Bakugo x ProHero!Reader (she/her)

Featuring: Izuku Midoriya, Shoto Todoroki, Tenya Iida, Denki Kaminari, Eijiro Kirishima, Fumikage Tokoyami, Momo Yaoyorozu, Ochacho Uraraka, Mina Ashido, Hanta Sero

Word Count: 2.3k

Synopsis: Black Claw and Control are killing more people, the Deku/Shoto agency and Bakugo agency team up to defeat the villains and bring peace to society. There is a little twist though...

Quirk: Telekinesis: Levitate any object by mental force. Her blue horn glows when she uses her quirk to enhance mental capacity.

Warnings: Angst, violence, mentions of blood, language, fluffy ending.

My alarm went off. I instantly got out of bed and got ready for the day. Bakugo said that Shoto and Deku’s agency reached out to his agency about a villain. I’ll take him down. No matter what. I am strong. I am powerful. I can do this. I motivated myself internally through the mirror. I got on my hero suit and headed over to Shoto and Deku’s agency.

I opened the door and Ingenium was standing by. “Hey, Aura. Todoroki and Midoriya are at the Dynamight agency. We must leave at once. I’ll escort you immediately,” he said waving his hands. He offered to piggyback me to the Dynamight agency to get there fast.

We arrive at the agency. Mio wasn’t at the front desk, but we went into the meeting room. We walked in and Mio was in tears. “Mio,” I said. “What happened? What’s going on?”

“I—It’s my father. H—he stabbed himself and I don’t know why,” she sobbed. What. Why would her father stab himself?

“We’re dealing with a villain with a mind control quirk. His name is Control,” Bakugo said. “Apparently, he’s brainwashing his victims to think of hurting or killing themselves.”

“It doesn’t sound right. These attacks are at random and the victims already have no connection to each other. Is this villain insane,” Shoto said.

“Mio’s father stabbed himself badly, but not enough to kill him. How many people have died so far,” Deku analyzed.

“8, so far,” Kaminari said. “30 have been badly injured. We have to stop this villain before he controls anymore people. Thankfully, we have a visual of the villain. Control seems to be working with a villain with fangs and claws that can cut through anything, named Black Claw.”

The villain I encountered last month. Control is working with her? I have to defeat her. I will not let her go again. I started to get angry with myself. If I would have captured her, maybe none of this would have happened. Again, people may have died because I let a villain get away. I clenched my fists as I stared at the table. Bakugo noticed. “You alright,” he nudged.

“I know her with the claws and fangs. She tried to convince me that I was a villain by my quirk,” I said. Everyone looked over to me.

“(Y/N),” Shoto said.

“I have to defeat her. I need to redeem myself that I am a hero and lock her up for good,” I teared up.

“We’ll split up into teams. North team will take out Control and the South team will assist and take down Black Claw. North team will have Shoto, Bakugo, Kirishima, Sero, Yaoyorozu, and myself. We have pinpointed a location where Control’s headquarters are located. The South team will have Kaminari, Ashido, Iida, Uraraka, Tokoyami, and (Y/N). Since they are working as a team, Black Claw should be within the parameter of the headquarters. Let’s do our best,” Deku led.

We all exit the venue. Bakugo grabs my arm before we part ways. “Be careful,” he said. I nodded and caught up with the others.

I catch up with the others to track down Black Claw. We keep on our guard around the area of the headquarters. “Do you think there are more villains involved with this,” Uraraka asked.

“Maybe,” Tokoyami said. “We have to keep our guard up. I’ll fly over to see if I can find anything overhead and give a signal if I see something.” Tokoyami flies up, but I felt an unpleasant presence. In the corner of my eye, I see black fingernails about to scratch Uraraka.

“Uravity,” I pushed her out of the way. Black Claw laughed as she followed through her swing.

“Nice to see you, heroes. I figured you all would be here sooner or later,” she charges at Iida and he dodges and kicks her into Kaminari who was charging his voltage. When she touched Kaminari, she was shocked causing her to scream. Mina used her acid on her suit to cause even more pain. Tokoyami flew to the ground as he punched her. Black Claw falls at my feet and starts to laugh. “What? You’re not going to attack me,” she said to me. I grabbed her by the suit.

“Black Claw, you are under arrest for homicide, assault, and kidnapping,” I shouted. She laughed again.

“You may be in the top ten, but you’re so weak. You would have had so much potential being a villain. I could have trained you to be like me against all these losers that want to boost their ego. ‘I want to be a hero’ and ‘I want people to recognize me’ is a whole bunch of shit. Do you think that would be what mom would have wanted?”

“(Y/N), what is she talking about,” Kaminari broke the ice.

“Instead you wanted to be a hero,” Black Claw continued as I start to tear up. “After the heroes sent her to a jail cell for life, she will die in concrete and you decide to take their side. You put her there after taking care of you, putting a roof over your head, and giving you the air in your lungs. Are you really that selfish?”

The tension was so deep. I felt everyone’s eyes were on me as Black Claw revealed a secret between me and her. I grabbed her by the neck as my horn glowed.

“I am not like you, or mom, or dad. You found joy in killing other people and watching their loved ones suffer because of all the trauma you’ve experienced. It’s not fair to everyone else that you took your anger out on innocent people. I received help and found ways to love myself and others. That’s why I became a hero. I believe in myself. I am strong and I will defeat you,” I yelled. She charged at me with her claws and showed her sharp teeth. I start to levitate objects around me to defend myself and attack her. Every swing she took missed as she got weaker. Iida grabbed her when she was at her weakest and restrained her to the police. She took one last look at me.

“Next time I see you, I will kill you, younger sister,” she said faintly. I watched her being taken in by the police. A small part of me felt bad for her, but this is what she deserves after the bad path she has been going down.

“Are you alright,’ Tokoyami said to me as I look at the ground.

“I’ll be fine. Let’s find the others and take down Control. This isn’t over,” I said.

………………………………………………………………………………

We ran to catch up with North team. There were a lot of thugs already on the ground. Kirishima and Sero were out of breath at the entrance. “Hey! That was quick,” Kirishima said.

“Yeah, it wasn’t an easy battle, but Black Claw is now with the police. Where’s Deku,” Uraraka said.

“They’re inside. Shoto, Bakugo, and Midoriya are still trying to find Control. Yaoyorozu may be running out of lipids by now.”

“Uraraka, Ashido, and (Y/N), keep the outside protected. Sero, Kirishima, Tokoyami, and I will help Yaoyorozu and meet up with Bakugo, Midoriya, and Todoroki,” Iida broadcasted. Without hesitation, everyone followed his orders, except Uraraka.

“I want to fight along side Deku. I don’t want to be on the sidelines,” she screamed.

“You are protecting him by being outside with us, girl,” Ashido said. “We need everyone to play a part to take down Control and his associates. The less people he has, the weaker he gets.”

All of a sudden, a lot of thugs with blades emitting from their body charged towards us. Ashido and Uraraka fight each the villains. One charged at me and I dodged a blade. “Hey,” one of the blade villains said. “The boss wants you, specifically, alive for now,” they said to me. They grabbed me, bagged my head, and knocked out.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

I woke up levitating above a lava pit. I panicked and lowered me, but I controlled my quirk so where I could stay in the air. I heard laughter in the cave.

“You must be Aura, the number six hero. It’s a shame that you want to kill your older sister, eh?”

“No, you’re wrong,” I said. “I don’t want to kill her. I want to help her!”

“That’s what I was doing,” he yelled back at me. “Your father is an evil man, but once she told me how much she was abused, I took her under my wing. She took my therapeutic advice to kill heroes. All the heroes want to better themselves, but what about the villains? We are people too. Subconsciously, killing is the circle of life. People will always die and if anyone shows up to your funeral, it is considered an honorable death. Your mother will die in prison. Don’t you think she deserves an honorable death?”

“Just because she gave birth to me, that doesn’t mean that she is right. My whole family has killed innocent people,” I yelled. Control’s eyes glowed to control my mind. I slowly lowered myself into the lava pit. Before I hit the lava, Control grabbed me by the neck as my body lost oxygen.

“You were born a villain, kid. Stop telling yourself that you are a hero because you’re---” A sudden explosion blasted through the cave. Control stopped using his mind control quirk on me as I regained my strength.

“Aura!” Bakugo yelled. Shoto froze the lava beneath me and grabbed me to safety.

“You alright,” Shoto asked.

“I won’t let my guard down,” I yelled. More blade villains surrounded us. Shoto and I were back-to-back. We dodged the blades. I picked up the blade villains with my quirk and Shoto froze their legs and blades to the point where they would shatter. Deku and Bakugo went for Control. Control’s moves were fast. Bakugo and Deku closed their eyes to not be controlled by his power and they managed to get some hits in. I maneuvered my way over towards them. I punched Control in one of his eyes when he was distracted from them. Bakugo used his sweat as ammunition to blast and Deku smashed Control with a punch. Control hit the back of the cave and immediately got angry.

Control grabbed the broken blades and threw it over to me. I looked back at him and fell under his mind control quirk. Without any control, I held the blade to my neck.

“You could have done great things with me and your sister, Aura, but instead you wanted to become a hero. Well I think you are aware that I kill heroes. They are nothing but scum to this society and you are worthless. As for you both, have any last words to say to her?”

“No, not again,” Bakugo whispered as watched me restrained by Control. One tear fell as I tried to fight it and pull away as hard as I could. Will this be my last memory? I felt blood trickle down my neck as he controlled the blade to cut deeper into my skin.

“NO,” Bakugo yelled. “I let that happen once, but I will never let it happen again! I will protect you, (Y/N). I will never leave your side. We will fight and win together. No one will die today. I was a coward, but now I can save people. I will save people. Villains will always be evil, but saving people is eternal. Just like in the words of Red Riot, we save people and protect others, even it if means our life.” Bakugo’s explosion build up grew stronger and stronger. Deku’s quirk pulled in green lightening to create the ultimate knockout. SMAAAAASSHHHH! HOWITZERRRRR IMPAAAACT! Control soared through the ceiling and crumbled the cave. He plummeted back into the ground, paralyzed. I couldn’t help but watch their compassion to becoming a better hero. This is why they are the top two. Not only could they fight and win against a villain, but they can save others.

We met up with the others. All the villains were taken in by police with our help. Cameras and news channels swarmed Control’s HQ. Everyone walked their separate ways after their interviews and goodbyes into the sunrise. It’s nice to know that we each have our own backs to save and protect the public. I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Hey, blue horn,” Bakugo said. “How’s your wound?”

“I’ll be okay,” I cowered.

“I heard Black Claw was your sister. This was a difficult day for you. I hope you know that I have your back, you got that,” he said.

“I may not have a family, but it’s nice to know that some people support my decisions and do what’s right.” I lost my balance and Bakugo grabbed me by the waist. Time stopped as we both stared into each other’s eyes. His face was soft. He brushed a strand of hair off my face. I regain my balance and shy away from him.

“Here, I’ll walk you home,” he said. We walked through the cherry blossom park. He stops in his tracks. “(Y/N), I---You fight good.” I turn around and smile.

“Maybe one day, I’ll surpass you,” I joked.

“I’ll always be the best, dumbass,” he said holding his arms open. I enter his embrace and his warmth was comforting. I felt safe.

“Just kiss her, dude,” a voice said in the distance.

“Yeah, man, or Kaminari will come down there and do it himself,” Kirishima said.

“Wait, what? I’m not kissing Bakugo,” Kaminari said. We chuckle. Bakugo cups my face into a little peck.

Source: evelyn-art-05.tumblr.com

#bakugo katsuki #katsuki bakugo imagine #katsuki bakugou #bakugou katsuki #mha bakugou #katsuki bakugo fanfiction #mha #bnha #bnha imagines #bnha fanfiction #mha imagines

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makeste · 4 years

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top 20 favorite quirks

okay, but listen, though! it’s exactly what it says in the title. not best quirks, or most useful quirks, or most creative quirks. not even coolest quirks! I did try to take all of these things into consideration when choosing, but honestly? by far the most important factor was, “I JUST THINK THEY’RE NEAT.”

anyway but let me backtrack and post the actual ask.

you’ll note that at no point was I asked to pick twenty of them. I did that all on my own. so here is my list!

20. Solid Air (Tsuburaba)

Tsubaraba Kousei. all-time undefeated grand champion of The Floor Is Lava. or at least he was until Ochako came along. anyway, so this is an extremely nifty quirk with all sorts of utility ranging from defense to helping him get around. it’s super useful for catching bad guys, and apparently the only real limit is his lung capacity. this quirk has so much potential and I love it.

19. Copy (Monoma)

the fact that he can copy his opponents’ powers and use them against them is badass enough, but add in the fact that he can hold up to 3 (or 4??) of them at once -- for as long as ten minutes -- and this quirk starts getting seriously powerful. anyway so one thing you might note as you read on is that although Copy is on my favorite quirks list, AFO is not! and that’s because Monoma’s limits actually make the quirk much more interesting to me, because they force him (and Horikoshi) to get creative. this is a really fun quirk and I would love to see more of Monoma in action. about time we saw him fight some actual villains and not just class 1-A, honestly.

18. Brainwashing (Shinsou)

as with Monoma’s quirk, what really sets this apart from other mind-control superpowers (to me, anyway) is the fact that it has limitations. he can’t just control anyone at random; in order to take them over he has to get them to respond to him somehow. which leads to innovations like the voice-changer, and which as a result has made his battles so genuinely interesting and fun to watch. anyway so I really want Shinsou to hurry up and join 2-A, and for them to just give him his provisional license all “here you go, son” with no testing whatsoever, because we’re past the point of pretending the HPSC is actually responsible these days, and because I really want to see if he can help turn the tides the next time the heroes battle the League.

17. Zero Gravity (Ochako)

I feel like it’s worth noting that I don’t really have any kind of fear of heights or falling or anything like that. and so I can’t really explain why Toga using this quirk on Ms. Curious and her lackeys was hands down one of the most singularly disturbing scenes in the entire manga for me! but it was!! even now I’m wincing just thinking about it. she just lifted them all up and DROPPED THEM and they just FELL and DIED. just like that. holy fucking shit. anyway, so we should all be very grateful that Ochako is super kind and sweet and more inclined towards helping people rather than murdering them. because holy shit. anyways though this quirk is dope.

16. Erasure (Aizawa)

I once said that this quirk was “not very cinematic”, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so wrong about anything in my life. oh, past me. you truly underestimated the dramatic impact of someone with a terrifyingly powerful quirk going in for the kill, only to be all “NANI?!” as they suddenly realize that their powers are no longer working, and the camera pans over to a man with gorgeous floating hair and intense red anime eyes. I owe you an apology, Erasure. you are cinematic AF.

15. Black Hole (Thirteen)

I really wish we got to see Thirteen fight more often. they suffer from the same “too powerful” curse as so many of the other characters and it’s a shame. anyway so Black Hole is cool af and gives me a ton of Miroku/kazaana vibes, which I freaking love. this quirk is lowkey on a Tomura-level of destructive potential, honestly, and yet no one ever talks about it?? Thirteen could literally destroy anything they touched if they wanted to?? imagine if they ever Awakened, you guys. holy shit.

14. Tape (Sero)

this power is so fucking stupid and ridiculous and completely absurd and I LOVE IT. Horikoshi really drew a skinny guy with tape elbows and was all, “so this kid is basically Spider-Man but with tape. I have not put the least bit of logical thought or creative effort into this power beyond that, and I’m not going to, either.” and somehow we all just accepted it. anyway, dubious origins aside, it’s such a versatile ability and Sero has such amazing control over it. it’s offense; it’s defense; he can use it to set traps; he can use it for maneuverability. TAPE ELBOWS CAN DO IT ALL.

13. Outburst (Ms. Joke)

when will it finally be her time. Outburst is one of those powers that sounds super dumb at first, until you really stop and think what the ability to make someone laugh at will could actually DO to people. true uncontrollable belly laughter is a totally incapacitating thing. she’d have people collapsing to the ground and practically seizing up. and good luck using your own quirk to fight back when you’re doubled over struggling to breathe and can’t even see straight because of the tears in your eyes. that’s assuming any of her opponents are even capable of thinking straight long enough to try it. like, this is such a straight up brutal ability and the fact that we have still NEVER SEEN IT is honestly infuriating.

12. Glamour (Camie)

it’s an illusion quirk. of course I have to put it on my list. illusion powers make every battle approximately 100x more entertaining. and what makes this particular power even better is that in any other series, this quirk would have been given to some Tokoyami-esque super serious emo kid. but BnHA went and gave it to Karen from Mean Girls instead. what a fucking power move. goddamn.

11. Black (Kuroiro)

according to BnHA Ultra Analysis, Kuroiro’s Appearing Out of Nowhere skills are rated a 4 out of 6. I still haven’t figured out if this is meant to be a burn on him or not. this kid can ninja in and out of literally any dark object in existence. if it’s nighttime, that means he can basically move wherever he wants to at will. of course he’s skilled at Appearing Out of Nowhere. so tell me then, why is it ONLY a four out of six?? how could he possibly fuck this up?? who was grading him?? DOES HE JUST SUCK. I don’t know, but anyway it’s really funny to me and also I really love this quirk.

10. Transform (Toga)

Toga went and Awakened herself right into the top ten with the reveal that not only can she mimic other people’s appearances, but that while she is transformed, she can actually use their quirks. like excuse me, what?? holy shit??? it is honestly driving me crazy that we’ve only seen this in action once. Transform is basically Plot Twist: The Quirk. I really want to see Toga use it to its full potential and infiltrate U.A. and/or spy on the HPSC and/or murder someone with their loved one’s own quirk. I WANT HER TO GIVE SOMEONE THE MAES HUGHES TREATMENT. I want her to do something so shocking that people ragequit the fucking manga lol. I know I’m always saying the manga isn’t that dark, but this is honestly the one exception where I would freaking love for it to get dark as shit. anyway so yeah. if you want to fuck with people you really couldn’t ask for a better quirk.

9. Creation (Momo)

MACGUYVER: THE QUIRK. an unlimited inventory in the hands of someone brilliant enough to actually utilize it to its full extent. what’s not to love? honestly if it were me with this quirk it would be completely useless. not only would I get hopelessly bored two seconds into trying to memorize an object’s molecular structure or whatever, but even if I DID manage to figure out how to make stuff, I would never know what to do with the stuff, or when to use it. every time a new situation cropped up I would just create a bunch of random objects in a panic. but Momo is so elegant in her problem-solving that she often needs to create only one or two things to come up with the perfect solution for something. basically this is a good quirk that becomes a truly great quirk when placed in the hands of the best possible person in the world to wield it. the quirk is awesome because Momo is awesome, and I fucking adore quirks like that (see: next entry).

8. Permeation (Mirio)

ah, Mirio. the original victim of the “too powerful to be allowed” curse. remember that time he BEAT HALF OF CLASS 1-A IN UNDER SIX SECONDS, you guys. small wonder Horikoshi couldn’t even make it through one complete villain fight with him before he had to de-quirk the poor kid. anyway, so Mirio makes this quirk look so mind-blowingly awesome that it’s easy to forget what a terrifying and fucked-up power it is in reality. “yeah it makes me blind and deaf and if I’m not careful I’ll fall into the center of the earth or splice myself in two or some shit.” what the actual fuck Mirio. but because he’s worked so hard and because Nighteye trained him so well, he’s mastered the timing to such an insane degree that he could kick Overhaul in the face without harming a single hair on Eri’s body. and honestly, there’s no way I could not love a quirk that gave us a moment like that.

7. Warp Gate (Kurogiri)

unlike SOME OTHER PEOPLE whose names start with Kuro, I would bet you that Kurogiri’s Appearing Out of Nowhere skills are a full six out of six! alas, the top ten of this list is chock full of people whose quirks are so badass that they had to be written out of the story one way or another. with Kuro at large there was technically nothing stopping the villains from just dropping in on U.A. one night to kill All Might, or rekidnap Bakugou, or whatever else they might want to do. and that’s actually a really scary thought though lol so it’s no wonder that Horikoshi was all, “yeah I’ll just have them capture him now.” anyways do you guys remember that one time in chapter 18 when Kuro used Warp Gate to create an endless loop of All Might suplexing Noumu suplexing All Might?? fucking quirks, though. wild.

6. Fiber Master (Best Jeanist)

another badass quirk, another badass quirk-user incapacitated and taken out of the story before their time. Best Jeanist is honestly terrifying. if he wanted to he could immobilize and even strangle and kill pretty much anyone in the world, whenever he fucking felt like it. that alone would be crazy enough, but then add to that that this quirk for all intents and purposes is basically telekinesis. as long as someone is wearing clothing he can move them around however he wants, as we saw in Kamino. basically, everything Hawks can do with Fierce Wings, Jeanist can probably do with his own quirk. AND THAT INCLUDES FLYING, YOU GUYS. the more I think about it the more I think we truly were robbed. I need Jeanist to come back already and fly everyone at Jakku to safety and tie Tomura to a chair with his own cape before proceeding to style his hair.

5. Rewind (Eri)

IT’S MY LIST!! I CAN PUT WHATEVER I WANT, AND IF YOU SAY I CAN’T, I’M TELLING MOM. okay but listen. everyone always rags on this quirk and how stupidly powerful it is, and look, I get it. but isn’t it kind of interesting that everyone is also always speculating over who Eri is eventually going to heal with her quirk? like, fandom is always complaining about how broken it is but at the same time they’re out here hatching all of these wild theories that center around it. and to me that indicates that in truth, this is actually an awesome quirk -- just so long as it’s used right. obviously there have to be some major limitations or else this is just “Fix Everything: The Quirk.” thankfully, Horikoshi did limit it! it’s super dangerous, she has trouble controlling it, and most importantly, it’s ridiculously slow to recharge and so she can only use it once every few months. it’s basically Recovery Girl’s quirk with a bonus slow-replenishing stamina bar that, once charged, allows her to release one ultra-powerful SUPER HEAL special move. and that’s pretty awesome. basically I think this quirk gets too much hate and not enough credit for the additional menu options it adds to the story. it’s interesting and compelling and I can’t wait to see what Horikoshi does with it.

4. Dark Shadow (Tokoyami)

TOKOYAMI WHY IS YOUR QUIRK SENTIENT. Existential Crisis: The Quirk. do quirks have souls?? if you shot Tokoyami with a quirk-be-gone bullet would Dark Shadow fucking die??? if Tomura absorbed Tokoyami’s quirk would Dark Shadow grow out of his back and be all “hey um, who the fuck are you”?? and would Toko’s head turn back into a normal human boy head?? would Dark Shadow look like Tomura instead of a bird shadow?? what even IS Dark Shadow, actually?? obviously it is not just a shadow because shadows can’t punch people or shield people from attacks or pick people up and fly them around. but yet he’s afraid of fire and grows weaker in daylight?? is Tokoyami secretly the strongest character in the entire series?? is there any way I can possibly justify putting this quirk all the way down at #4 instead of #1 where it clearly belongs?? let me answer that question by not answering it and moving on.

3. Explosion (Bakugou)

is the fix in?? is “exploding hands” really a better quirk than a fucking sentient monster man who lives in your belly button and reads your mind and is made of ~darkness energy~ and is your best friend? apparently the answer is yes! to both of those questions. yes the fix is in. I love Kacchan and his quirk is fucking awesome okay. it just never ceases to amaze me how this one single quirk, which really only does one thing, is nonetheless so spectacularly powerful that it allows Bakugou to compete on the same level as the fucking protagonist with all of his godlike super-strength and Main Character Powers and wacky SIXQUIRKS!! shenanigans. in my opinion the coolest thing about Explosion isn’t even its firepower; it’s the way Bakugou’s adapted it to fly around and to boost his speed. I think he legit may be the fastest character in the series right now, or close to it. he’s faster than Iida and Gran Torino and Endeavor. he can keep up with Deku without breaking a sweat. and he knows how to use that speed, thanks to his insane reflexes. add in the fact that this is also without a doubt the most cinematic quirk in the entire series, and I think I’m justified in putting it this high up. and anyway I still put two others up above it so shh.

2. Search (Ragdoll/Tomura)

Hey, What’s That Guy’s Deal: The Quirk. I just really love this one you guys. it’s so fucking useful. Video Game HUD: The Quirk. one hundred people at a time?? locations and weak points?? works even when you’re not looking at the person anymore and have blinked your eyes, unlike CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE’S weak-ass quirks?? check, check, and check. is it any wonder AFO wanted this? plus it just looks so damn cool. the visual representation of everyone as little stars on a map. Turn On Location: The Quirk. okay look I feel like I’m doing a bad job of explaining why I have this quirk all the way up at number two. it just has this subtle badassness to it, and its introduction after almost two hundred chapters of buildup was just so fucking cool. maybe it’s recency bias?? I don’t even know; all I know is that I love this quirk and want to see more of it in action.

1. Blackwhip (Lariat/Deku)

listen, I was obsessed with this quirk back when it was called “Venom” and was by far the absolute coolest part of the 1990s Spider-Man cartoon series. I’m not just going to suddenly not be obsessed with it just because fandom is mad that Horikoshi gave Deku an additional power beyond just Smashing Stuff. Blackwhip is hands down the coolest quirk, guys. I’m sorry, it just is. it has the coolest name. it had the coolest entrance. it does basically anything you could ever want a quirk to do in battle. it grabs stuff. it Bloops. what more do you want. you’re all just jealous because you wish that you could Bloop too. I know I am. I wish I had a Bloop. anyway so yeah, Blackwhip is the upgrade to Deku’s fighting style that we desperately needed after 200+ chapters of Delaware Smashes and Broken Bones. all his fights are cooler now. he can save more people! he can fight without instantly dying! plus you just gotta love powers that occasionally explode out of control if their user gets all emotional and pissed off about the fact that you insulted his boyfriend. so yeah. Blackwhip at number one! on this list of favorite quirks. not best quirks!! jesus christ. please don’t kill me I have a family.

so that’s my list! all 3000 words of it. how does this keep happening.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha meta #bnha ranking #bnha top ten #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #asks #anon asks

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alewyren · 3 years

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I dislike redemption arc culture.

I hate seeing arguments over which characters are “irredeemable,” and this notion that every villain story has to be a morally didactic narrative in which the bad guy gets punished, the end.

I’m almost tempted to say we were all spoiled by having Zuko as a formative experience, because he’s really just the picture perfect redemption arc. He started out as a legit villain, but he never did anything too atrocious, had a tragic backstory that explained why he was like that, and went through three whole seasons of gradual character development. Like, Zuko was an amazing character. That’s the problem, though; he set our expectations too high for what “the perfect redemption arc” should be. Everyone expects their “reformed villain” characters to follow those same beats, but not every story is that cut and dry. There are lines between redemption and reformation, reformation and rehabilitation, rehabilitation and just... continuing to exist but no longer hurting anyone, and there’s a lot of nuance lost when people try to cram all that into the box of “redemption arc.”

Gonna be bringing a lot of different examples to the table here, but let’s start with Azula for ease of transition. She went through the same abuse that Zuko did, but she never got a redemption arc in ATLA proper. Some people say this isn’t fair. I disagree. This is not to say I don’t think she should be afforded the opportunity for post-canon character growth, because I absolutely do. I fully think she is capable of Getting Better, and spinoff media has consistently portrayed her as a sympathetic character. But like... she’s done some shit. She was a straight up war criminal, and emotionally abusive towards basically everyone in her social circle. I understand why. She was a 14 year old raised in an environment that rewarded that behavior, and never given a healthy outlet for her aggression.

The difference, in my opinion, is this: Zuko was fundamentally a good person from the start. Far from perfect, but he has a strong sense of values even as a child. Azula is not. Redemption for someone like Azula would look much different than it did for Zuko. Besides, in ATLA proper she was already filling an important villain role. She’d need her own show. (Which would be awesome, actually.)

But I think that’s where you have to ask the question: what even is a redemption arc? Is it any story where a villain stops being a villain? Is there a scale for like, “must do X amount of good deeds equal to Y bad deeds to qualify for redemption”? Must they be sufficiently punished for their bad deeds? What if reformation is possible without punishment--is punishment for its own sake truly justice? The focus people have on penance and atonement feels very baked in Christian moral philosophy. People don’t work like that. There’s not a cosmic scale of right and wrong, or a cosmic sin counter, there’s just... actions and their immediate impact. Bad people being let off the hook too easily can leave a bad taste in your mouth, and there are of course things with unfortunate real world implications which can’t be divorced from real-world context which are... irresponsible to allow in the hands of Certain Groups, but I hate this notion of “villains must be punished appropriately for their crimes, always, even if they have extenuating circumstances, even if they have demonstrated the capacity for personal growth, because that personal growth will never negate their misdeeds.”

In real life, it’s different. In real life, you can never be sure what’s going on in another person’s head. But the prison system of justice is fundamentally broken. People are rarely fundamentally evil, but there are some people who are too twisted and dangerous to society to be allowed to live without, at the very least, constant supervision. True evil is banal, rooted in social systems, not individual “bad people.” People have individual will, but ultimately they’re just the products of the environment and systems that fostered them. Setting aside the questions of whether people can be born evil or at what age you become personally responsible for your actions, you will get bad apples in any sufficiently large group of people. If someone has to be punished and removed from society, that’s not a success of justice. The fact that they reached that point in the first place is a failure of society in and of itself.

In fiction, technically everyone is redeemable. You can get into the heads of the bad guys and do basically whatever you want with them. Fiction should be responsible when dealing with real-world issues that affect real people, but it does not have to be morally didactic. Sometimes there just... isn’t an easy, morally didactic answer for dealing with morally complicated characters or situations. And more importantly, sometimes the morally didactic answer isn’t the narratively interesting answer. 9 out of 10 times, what’s more interesting to read about? A horrible villain being put to death, or a horrible villain being forced to live and grow?

Some hypothetical examples to ponder, purely in the context of fiction.

Horrible war criminal villain with a body count in the millions has all memories of their crimes wiped, or is forcibly brainwashed into being a better person. Setting aside the ethics of brainwashing: are they still required to “repent”? Would a victim still be justified in seeking penance from this guilt-free shell? Would this change at all depending on who was responsible for the mind-wipe?

More realistic: horrible war criminal villain with a body count in the millions straight up retires. Gets older. Bloodlust, national zeal, whatever once motivated them to do such evil loses its edge. They fall in love. Start a family. As they grow as a person, learn the value of life, the weight of their crimes starts to sink in. They atone in little ways, through little random acts of kindness and helping the people around them, but for one reason or another (not wanting to risk harm to their family, knowing they’ll be tortured for information? you decide) don’t turn themselves into the proper justice system and are never punished. Should they be punished, or allowed to continue existing? Would this change at all depending on the surrounding political circumstances, i.e.: whether their public execution would hold any symbolic value, whether affected groups are calling for their death? Does it matter at all in deciding justice whether this hypothetical villain feels personal guilt or regret over their war crimes? Why or why not?

Child villains. IRL there are documented cases of violent crime in children as young as grade school age, not all of whom had violent backgrounds. Should they be held to the same standards as adult villains, even if the scale of their crimes are the same? What’s the cutoff age? Are all villains under 18 capable of rehabilitation, no matter how horrible their crimes? How about 16? 14? 12? What about villains whose ages aren’t really clear, ie Cell from DBZ being like, six?

How much does backstory matter? Should it matter if there’s a good reason someone is Like That, or should their actions be judged as-is? It doesn’t matter to the victims whether or not the villain had a bad childhood, right? Moreover, does it matter at all whether someone is “fundamentally a good person,” at least insofar as genuinely caring about the people around them and caring about a moral code? People do evil things for reasons other than “being evil people.”

Morally bankrupt person who regularly fantasizes violent harm on the people around them, wholly selfish with no love for any other human being, fundamentally incapable of meaningful self-reflection or growth. Just a complete piece of shit all around. But they never have, and never will, commit any crimes, either due to some divine ordinance or just plain self-preservation/fear of getting caught. They might, at worst, just be a toxic asshole, but not one who holds any power over others. Should they be punished solely for their moral character, rather than actions?

There aren’t always easy answers. It’s okay to acknowledge that, and it’s okay to tackle hard moral questions like this in fiction. And I hate seeing this boiled down to “stop trying to redeem villains who are Actually Horrible People” or whatever. Especially in kids’ media which takes an optimistic stance on people being capable of change in the first place. Y’all gotta stop holding it to the same level of moral realism as gritty stuff for adults.

On the whole, I think we should do away with the term “redemption” in the context of morality entirely. Like redemption arc, redemption equals death, what does that mean? It implies one has sufficiently made up for their past deeds, that that’s the gold standard, but is that really ever possible? Like I said, there’s not a cosmic good deeds | bad deeds counter for every person, or at least not one that living people have any way of knowing about. And that’s a flawed way of thinking to begin with. Those bad deeds can never be erased, ever. There plenty of examples of villains who commit crimes they can never realistically atone for. Regardless of whether they want to atone in the first place, it’s like I said: in fiction, it’s often just... more fun to force them to live and deal with the consequences. But on the flipside, there are so, so many people who see themselves as “good” and use that to justify their own bad deeds. Which ties back into what I said about the whole discourse reeking of Christian moral philosophy, because lmfao @ corruption in the catholic church.

The point is. There are shades of grey. Not everything has to be a full-blown bad guy to good guy redemption arc. You don’t need to “properly atone for your sins” to be worthy of life or love.

Here are some better questions to ask than “is this character redeemable”:

Is it believable, from what we know of this villain as a character, that they are capable of becoming a good, law-abiding citizen?

How about capable of love?

Guilt?

Are they capable of any personal growth whatsoever?

Are they capable of being a positive impact on the lives of the people around them?

Is it actively harmful to leave them alive, even with clipped wings?

Is it interesting to leave them alive?

How morally didactic is the narrative as a whole?

How much forgiveness are they offered, versus how much could they possibly ever deserve?

How abstracted is this character from reality, ie: are there any real world parallels that make it uncomfortable to frame this character in a sympathetic light? (be careful not to fall into a black and white abuser/victim dichotomy)

Would further punishment or suffering be productive? (Productive, not justified, that’s a key distinction--punishment for its own sake is just pointless cruelty.)

Even the most vile, irredeemable bastards can still be dragged like... an inch. And that’s still a fun and valuable story in and of itself, even if it’s nothing remotely approaching a redemption arc and they’d very much still deserve to rot in Hell by the end of it. I don’t believe Hell is real, as much as I personally wish it were sometimes, but like. If it were, or in fictional universes where it is.

But also, there really are some characters and botched “redemption arcs” that just come off insanely uncomfortable. And there is a subjective aspect to that as well, but more than once I’ve seen people say “X villain did not deserve redemption/forgiveness” and 9 times out of 10 I’m like “that’s... really not what they got, though?”

It’s complicated.

#idk how coherent it is #i just saw a tweet that annoyed me #''villains deserve happiness and redemption arcs *guy who murdered 20 million people* no not him''#i don't even entirely disagree but it's... complicated #musings

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jadienjaystoriesandart · 4 years

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Sander Sides AU - DanganRonpa

Gosh, I make alot of dark AU’s, I do have fluffy ones, but I find people like my darker ones. This one actually wasn’t my complete own, the girl that came up with most of it has been my RP buddy for a while. IDK if she has a tumbler, but on Wattpad she is known as Littlewolf65.

Anywho, this was a RP idea she had, and we hardly use it, so I’m posting about it because DANG, was it good. (If this gets taken down it’s cause she wanted it to be.)

But given neither of us really want to put in time and effort to writing up a whole story, both due to college and other projects we have going on, I’m posting it to the fandom. (Plus I had ALOT of other Au’s to write about if you guys ever want oneshots. Just leave a message or shoot me a ask for what kind of oneshot you want to see. :D )

Summary: Dystopian Future based situation. The world had pretty much fallen to despair and the ‘Tragedy’ has begun. Ring Leader of it is Thomas Sanders, the Ultimate Despair. Along with his six Sector Leaders, Thomas started pretty much the biggest class war seen in history. Cunning, smart, manipulative, and seen as the ‘leader’ to many, Thomas is not a man to take lightly.

Thomas Sanders: The main guy himself, in this one, unlike my other AU’s, he’s much more... hmm, not really ‘evil’ as he is manipulative. His ‘FamILY’ consist of six guys he all ‘save’ from their situations. Really he’s the Ultimate Despair due to the fact being a youtuber reached a point for him where he never felt much happiness in his life. Due to how hard life was already, not just for him, but others. But rather than fade out like most do in their despair, he took it and made something of it. Demolishing the class system and starting what is known as the Tragedy. Really, he humbles himself, he just whispered to the right people, recruited the right group, and the Tragedy just started itself. Oh, he does somewhat care of his sector leaders, even if it’s in a very twisted, emotionally manipulative way.

Logan Sanders: Background - Thomas’s first Sector leader, the Logic Sector, and the second largest compared the the Snake Sector. Since he was born, Logan Adam’s had alot put upon him by his higher class family. Expected to be the ‘Most Likely To Succeed’ student. Private school, tutors, nothing but the best for him. This family prioritized learning and academics over anything else, if their boy was not a prodigy, they’d make him one. One can guess as a result, this left Logan having to grow up much faster, never really had a childhood. Where he was forced to put his academics above all else, this left him unable to empathize or socialize properly. Feelings just get in the way of progress. He went into private school when he was a teenager, and culture shock was a thing. He shied away from people. Disliked them alot, and didn’t want his parents to punish him should ‘friends’ become a distraction. With no real empathy and emotions to call his own, Thomas found it real easy to fill that void with despair. Convincing our Logan to kill his family and free himself, Logan joined Thomas after that. Thomas treats Logan well, like he’s an actual person and talking to him as such. Something his family and others never did. His parents acted like he was a robot, and it became a common taunt used against him when bullied. “He’s a robot guys, not like he can feel the hurt in our words.” Oh the highschool drama, not knowing what real hurt is. Logan did enjoy torturing them, their despair felt great. Logan is a hard core believer in what Thomas says, that despair is the only real, tangible thing in this world to rely on. He’s a good example of this. Sector - The Logic Sector harbors from the best minds the Despair has. It takes up majority of the west part of the city, and is one of two ways to the main area where Thomas and them live. It’s meant to be like a maze, riddles, traps, not really designed to kill a person, it’s meant to test your mental capacity. Logan love logic puzzles, hence the name of the sector. Mostly it’s adults that live in this sector and help with making traps and weapons for the Despair. They are deadly, precise, and Logan is a very strict leader to his people. But with good reason, after all, if he left them to themselves, they might become like Patton or Virgil’s sector. There are many buildings here meant just for the torture and turning of ‘new members’. It’s neighbors are the Heart Sector to the right, and across from the main area and Snake Sector.

Patton Sanders: Background - The second man after Logan that Thomas recruited, the Heart Sector is his area. Patton lived in orphanage for a long time, always taking care of. Forced to take on a parental role to the younger kids very early, as he was the eldest. The owners were very uncaring, mostly in it for a check to spend on alcohol and drugs, and dolling up the place for each visit to get more money. Patton was up to his eyes in stress, trying to hard, but feeling like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. When Thomas found it, it took some convincing, but once he got through, he convinced Patton to kill the owners of the place. Even any kids that tried to stop him from doing so, after all, if they didn’t think their ‘Dad’ was doing what was right, then how can they be trusted? Something in Patton that day just snapped, but he hasn’t regretted it, he feels upset he had to kill them, but he easily waves it off that they just didn’t understand. It was better this way. Even in the Heart Sector he still is very much a parental figure. Taking care of the children of anyone who wanders into his sectors, ranging from ages 5 to 13. A few teens stick around and help their leader out before moving to other sectors later in life. As Patton despises most adults, finding them selfish and disgusting. Not that they last long when the kids all go in for the kill. One twisted little family there.

Sector - It’s two neighbors from the left is the Logic Sector and to the right is the Storm Cloud Sector. Given him and Virgil take care of the kids and teens they work really close together. With Patton as ‘Dad’ and Virgil as ‘Older Brother’. Across from it is the Imagination Sector. This sector is not as small as the Storm Cloud Sector, but not as big as Logic and Snake Sectors are. it’s a decent size through and a safe haven for kids, well... safe if your a crazed, insane, murder child. It’s as a ‘Wonderland’ to little kids, most people say to avoid it, especially the Hope Foundation, as harming children isn’t what they are about.Patton is very nice to kids and most teens, he teaches them to survive in this world and the things they need in life. Adults that he does like are often ‘Teachers’ in his sector.

Roman Sanders: Background - Oof, this one is a sad one. Roman and his twin Remus great up on the streets from a young age when they were abandoned at the age of 6. As they grew up, many kids came to see them as their ‘Heroes’. Something both twins took pride in, and vowed to help those weaker than them. When they are about turn 16, Thomas, about early 20′s this time, took them in and gave them a home. Though, as they lived with Thomas, their savior subtly would imply the other was unfaithful and planning something. He easily turned the brothers against each other with this, and sat back watching the sparks. A heated argument broke out, and ended with Roman killing his twin brother. Roman was crushed by this, and thus the despair settled in. Thomas comforted him afterwards, and something in Roman’s mind just snapped. There and then he vowed to be everyone ‘Hero’ in his sector, going into the deluded fantasy he was the ‘Prince’ or the ‘Knight in Shining Armor’ for them. Thus is where this sector comes into play.

Sector - The Imagination Sector neighbors are the Storm Cloud Sector to the right and to his left is the largest sector the Snake Sector and right across from the Heart Sector. This sector... oh boy, if you thought Logic’s sector is deadly then steer clear from Roman’s. These traps are designed to kill you slowly, I say slowly because Roman is meant to ‘save’ you like the ‘hero’ he is. For those who have read or seen Hunger Games, think of the traps like the Pods in Mockingjay. Thanks Logan, he’s the one who designed the traps, as a result very few know how to navigate the area. Safe for those that live there and the leaders. Roman and his Knights ‘save’ people from these traps. Though, not everyone survives these twisted games. Shockingly people enter because this sector actually holds the food source of them, well guarded and is the most abundant in resources. Something Roman takes pride in and defends ferociously. His Knights are a few select people who Roman and Thomas trust deeply, they are ruthless, and very strong. Dressed in reds and blacks and very intimidating, brainwashed all to hell. One thing to note, you better be VERY grateful to Roman if he saves you, because boy is just a ruthless. Not afraid to toss you back into danger should he think you are ungrateful. He works close with Logan, coming up with sick ways to trap people. And works alot with Janus in training people for the Despair.

Janus Sanders: Background - Say hello to another rich boy, and actually he’s the one whose dad used to ‘own’ most of the city. Having funded for most of the buildings, technology used, and owned the main company most worked for. But he was a rather neglectful father, cheated on Janus’s mother alot too, and mostly ignored his son from a young age. When Janus was older, about 16 or 17, a huge fight broke out between his father and mother. His dad pretty much was in a drunken rage, and Janus tried to defuse the situation. And the end result was he was burned on the right side of his face with hot water, deforming it slightly. His mother walked out, and his father said he was now ‘ugly’ to look at. Janus had alot of issues with self worth after this, as his father ignored him even more. Though he can see fine and talk, he still is very aware he looks like a monster. His father only ever gave him small jobs to do for the company, keeping his once handsome son out of the public’s eye. Out of sight, out of the way. When Thomas approached Janus, he wasn’t stupid, oh he knew what games Thomas was playing. But years of dealing with it ahd taken it’s toll, and Janus, though well aware of what Thomas was doing, didn’t care. He knew Thomas was only interested in his position and power. But, it was a chance, to get back on his father for it all. Sabotaging the city wasn’t hard, this is what happens when society relies too much on technology. The company took the fall out, and angry mob tore apart his father, the city imploded, and thus the Tragedy started and spread from there. Absolute anarchy. Janus found he agreed, despair was the only way, and it was wonderful. Still, despite knowing Thomas cared little like a actual person, Janus came to care for him. Even if it wasn’t reciprocated. More despair that way. Sector - The Snake Sector is the largest sector, making the parts the Logic Sector needs. Filled with the most cunning, manipulative, and feared people in Thomas’s Despair Army. Janus is their ring leader, and shows his little snakelings how to get by in the world. He enjoys it, showing them the skills to use people, to make things that work well to help you. This sector is the power source of the area, and is the second entrance to the main area where Thomas is. Janus is Thomas’s right hand, and is the one who helps with the brainwashing along with Logan and Roman, who he works close with. Though not confusing or deadly as the others, you can’t really trust in inhabitants who will lead you astray easily. Trust No One. And if you happen to get close to Janus, best be careful, because the final challenge isn’t easy, and many have died by his hand. It’s all a game to him, and Janus loves mind games.

Virgil Sanders: Background - His is possibly the shortest like with Romans. Simple enough, he was also abused, but his parents were much worse. Never having wanted a child, they would often lock Virgil in the basement with one dinky light that barely did anything and was prone to busting alot. He lived with the spiders there, and became scared of the dark and enclosed spaces. Though he was allowed the go to school, if he told anyone about his treatment, his parents easily deflected them. And he was punished harshly. As a result, he grew up rather small, he’s easily the shortest of all the leaders. While at school, he met a man in his 20′s. Thomas wasn’t like other adults, who listened, he cared, and he helped Virgil. Convincing the other to take his despair and get revenge. Helping Virgil kill his parents that night and hide their bodies. Not that they were ever missed, Virgil isn’t even sure if the police or neighbors ever even noticed. He ran away with Thomas, and he was the fourth person recruited. Patton came to care deeply for his ‘dark strange son’. And Virgil, who was affectionate and touch starved, soaked it all up, coming to care for Patton. Roman took on the role of ‘older brother’ fast, with Janus and Logan being ‘mothers’. Something Virgil came to adore. Sure, this family is twisted, but he’s never locked up, starved, or put in the dark again.

Sector - The Storm Cloud sector, is the smallest of all of them, and is mostly on the outskirts, how Virgil likes it. Neighbors to the right being the Heart Sector and the left the Imagination Sector. It’s the one of the three entrances into the city itself, and is the main main one into it. With two back door areas being the Heart and Imagination. Mostly teenagers live here in the brooding atmosphere and darken streets, who shy away when the sun is out. Which for the are they live in isn’t much. Virgil is the ‘Older Brother’ to them. A role he takes seriously as he doesn’t want someone to have to live as he did. Only the most unruly get that treatment, but shockingly he never has to give out many punishments. Working along side Patton mostly in taking care of the kids and teens, few adults live in his area. As, like Patton, he despises most adults. Virgil is very good with fears, and knows just how to push someones buttons. Oh he may look all soft and innocent, but like his sector, looks are deceiving. You’d think it’s just a bunch of teenagers being their usual selves in a ‘life sucks’ phase. But boy are you wrong, they are armed, they are trained the kill, and enjoy doing so to any who things their sector is the ‘easy’ sector.

And there you have it, let me know if you guys want any oneshots on any of my AU’s. Fanart is well needed. And if you like these AU’s, I might post some of my more happier ones rather than dark ones. Any questions? feel free to ask!

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ears-awake-eyes-opened · 4 years

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Haymitch, Effie, and Hayffie

(Musings, character analysis, my headcanons about their backstories and forward stories, especially about their relating and relationships. I felt like I needed to think through some of these ideas before writing more fics. These reflections got incredibly long, and I considered just keeping this in my drafts for myself, but maybe something here will resonate with someone else too, so here we go.)

I’ve been writing about Hayffie for a month, and I have some thoughts about their relationships/sexual histories both individually and together. It’s film-Hayffie that I’m into, so some of my ideas might conflict with what’s canon in the books, which I haven’t read in nearly a decade. When I eventually reread the books, I may feel differently, but these are my musings for now.

Haymitch:

We know Haymitch had a girlfriend when he won the second Quarter Quell at age 16. Snow had her murdered along with Haymitch’s mom and younger brother, so I’m guessing Haymitch loved her, otherwise Snow wouldn’t have bothered to have her killed since Snow always kills with intention.

Haymitch I imagine has probably always been good-looking-enough, but not extremely handsome. (I say this despite the big crush I have on Woody). I can see Haymitch as a kid having been witty, reasonably athletic, reasonably popular, a class clown and fairly obnoxious. As a teen without a father present/alive, home would have been a place of hard work, so school was likely Haymitch’s primary outlet for fun. I figure that particular girlfriend may have been his first serious love (and probably his only love).

I think he and she had some experience with sex but not a lot. They probably explored each other and discovered things together. They may have had sex only soon before the reaping, just in case the worst happened and one of their names was pulled. I’m remembering the guy I dated when I was 16. I loved him, but I didn’t want to have sex with him. However, if it had been the feeling of the end of the world, I probably would have slept with him. So, logic tells me they did.

Fast forward. Traumatized post-Games Haymitch wouldn’t have been with anyone else for a long time. I think it may be canon that he refused prostitution because he had no loved ones left to lose, but even if Snow did prostitute him, it would have been maybe once when Haymitch was still a minor, like Snow’s last nail in the coffin of crushing him. But Haymitch would have ultimately proven himself to be too much of a loose cannon/liability for Snow to use in that way.

So I imagine Haymitch has some history of sexual trauma. First in the intensity of sex with his beloved girlfriend within the feeling of coercion (let’s do it now or maybe never). Then with being prostituted to likely some wealthy middle aged woman. Rather than being the prostitute of a man, I think Haymitch would have killed the man or killed himself, depending on his trauma state at the time. So I don’t see sex with men, forced or otherwise, in his history.

It’s canon that Haymitch is basically a loner/shut-in who doesn’t like people in his house and sleeps holding a knife (when he’s able to sleep). I see him having the potential to be quite desirable to women and the potential for being a player. But trauma put a damper on those potentials. I think he could have sex whenever he feels like it, but for a couple of decades after his Games he just doesn’t very often (on average over those years once or occasionally twice a month maybe) because women are too much of a hassle, and they aren’t the love he lost. Alcohol is strongly his drug of choice over sex.

When he does have sex, I believe it’s one-night stands or casual sex with women who are players themselves and probably who he mildly dislikes. He steers clear of relationships that seem at all likely to become emotional. He firmly does not want to get attached to anyone again. Liking people is something he perceives as risky. Loving people is something he perceives as suicidal.

Haymitch is perceptive. Over the years, he’s learned some basics about what feels good to women physically. Pleasuring women has never been his first priority during sex, but I see him as the kind of guy who gets off on them getting off, so he would have made an effort to experiment a little and pay attention to the results. Unfortunately, alcohol often gets in the way of really focusing on women while he is with them. Which is one of the reasons Effie likes him better sober...

Effie:

I like to imagine Effie in early life, 0-9 maybe, with a very old great-grandmother in her 80s-90s. This great-grandma had memories of growing up in a free-er nation before the dictatorship gained in intensity, before the first revolution, before tyranny. I imagine she told Effie folktales that Effie remembers as bedtime stories. Those appeared to be fictional but were filled with archetypes and the roots of humanity. Her great-grandma was careful to protect the family, so she never spoke openly against the Capitol, but she understood and communicated deeper truths which shaped Effie’s heart/unconscious mind. I like to imagine Great-grandma offered Effie a reflection of the girl’s authentic self and offered her a small taste of empowerment. “Never forget you’re more than a pretty, well-mannered girl. Your wit is sharp. You have the capacity to be so much more than a face and a body bending to someone else’s will.”

To Effie’s controlling parents, and even to Effie herself in time, the great-grandma would seem eccentric. I envision her telling Effie that a woman doesn’t need a man to please her or to achieve greatness, and teaching her that she can please herself in all ways including financially and physically. Those lessons sunk in. I see Effie’s great-grandma having possibly been widowed young and surviving on her own awhile, with kids including Effie’s grandparent. In many ways Great-grandma was a self-made woman in her time.

Effie lost most of that connection to antiquity and to her authentic self when her great-grandma died, and she had nothing substantial to shield herself against the tight control and will of her family and Capitol life.

I imagine Effie mostly complied with that control but claimed autonomy in subtle ways. I think she had sex throughout the second half of her teens and throughout her 20’s, always being discerning, discrete, and selective about partners, rather than *sleeping around.* She had an intention behind each conquest. These conquests often had to do with aspects of self discovery, the desire for validation, and facilitating what she wanted in life, especially the ability to project a certain image in order to get where she wanted to go.

Did Effie fall in love with some of those young men? Probably, because underneath her thick facade, Effie has a tender heart which the facade protects like armor. Did she ever have her heart broken? Seldom. For the most part, she inherited and practiced ways of staying in control of her emotions within relationships. Most men thought of her as a desirable pain in the ass, but worth the high maintenance because she knows how to pleasure a man, she gives that focused attention during significant times including sex.

Did she ever experiment with sex with women? Possibly at some point out of curiosity and in seeking validation, but I don’t see women as her jam. Pretty and popular in childhood, she got along with girls in school. Later in her teens and adulthood, women mostly resented her natural beauty, fashion sense, drive to achieve, ability to attract attention, and her perfected facade. I see Effie feeling wistful at times for the quality of connections she had in youth, but her understanding of survival in Capitol society dictated that image and career-based connections were more important than purely emotional ones.

By age 30, during her years as an escort, Effie is quite singularly driven. She knows her body well, but there’s a veil over much of her inner self. The facade she’s built up is so thick that she doesn’t know much anymore about the vulnerable self beneath it. Haymitch can see the softness in her, whether he’s sober or drunk. She is both terrified and thrilled by his capacity to see the self she hides.

Hayffie:

I picture Haymitch as one of the first crushes Effie can remember having. I think of her as 8-9 years younger than him, so she would have been 7, nearly 8, when he was in the second Quarter Quell. She would have been quite taken with the way he held Maysilee’s hand as she died. Just as Effie was genuinely touched by Katniss caring for Rue as she died.

I see Effie having only been an escort since maybe the 72nd Hunger Games — long enough for the District 12 folks to know and mock her, but not too long. She had ambitions to move up in the districts, and she was on her way to proving herself as an effective tool of the Capitol: looking, sounding, and acting the part she was playing, and keeping herself veiled to the injustice of the Games and of tyranny in general. She was brainwashed by a lifetime of coercive propaganda, not because her mind is weak, but because the propaganda was so prevalent and multifaceted, including coming directly from her primary caregivers.

I think she probably expressed interest in Haymitch early on in their work together, seeing him as his idealized younger self. I think he turned her down then, in part because there was something about her that he enjoyed too much, even though he may not have been able to pinpoint what it was, because in the beginning he perceived her to be mostly ridiculous.

I see Hayffie playing cat and mouse for a few years — teasing, taunting, holding each other at bay and not doing much beyond tormenting one another during games 72-74, and learning each other’s nuances along the way. Effie would find Haymitch’s uncoothness off-putting and his wildness tantalizing. He would find her poshness annoying and the woman underneath all those layers a sensual curiosity.

The third Quarter Quell effected a personal transformation for each of them. Haymitch accepted the reality that he was caring about people; he couldn’t stop those emotions, even with alcohol, and he really didn’t want to. Effie’s eyes were opened to the injustice of the Games through her deep affection for her team of victors. Her armor came down enough to experience heartbreak — a related heartbreak to what Haymitch was experiencing as he lost old friends, like Chaff and Mags, and as he cared for Katniss and Peeta and helped launch a revolution.

I see this as the vulnerable time for Hayffie when their personal games of cat and mouse would pause, and intimacy would creep in and feel scary. They’d banter it away for a while but by then they’ve seen each other’s heartbreak, and the contents of a heart once seen, can’t be unseen.

In the absence of liquor for him and in the absence of facades for her (i.e. in District 13), hiding authenticity from each other would be tough. The taunting chase would continue in spirit, but physically they’d be ready to catch each other and play with that physicality if for no other reason to provide distraction.

“Let’s keep this casual,” they’d say. “No strings.” But the tapestry that had been weaving so long would take shape nonetheless. Strings would be everywhere, drawing them together faster than they could cut them.

Sex between them, after years of avoiding it with each other, would feel easy and alive, like breathing. Their bodies would fit well, so neither would have to work too hard to pleasure the other. I can see that sex between them has the potential to be very rough at times, though always with mutual consent. They both would be this interesting mix of selfish and giving. Their parting and coming together I see going on for years with feigned casualness. Cat and mouse again. The lightness would become more and more of a lie. Sex with other people would eventually whittle to nothing without much discussion about it.

They’d meet themselves in time as free individuals, and they’d realize they had fallen for each other all along, despite everything and because of everything. They would keep trying to stop it, and they’d keep failing miserably until finally moving into acceptance.

I don’t picture them ever married. Haymitch would want no government or religious bullshit in their personal business. But I see them eventually sharing their lives with increasing intimacy, how ever that might show up. I’m not sure yet how it would show up, though I like to think that several years down the road, Effie will move to District 12 “as the place becomes more civilized,” and when she perceives that there is meaningful work for her there. I also believe Effie’s perception of “meaningful work” will shift in time, initially out of necessity and then organically as she reconnects with her deep self and reclaims it.

I don’t picture Hayffie with kids. Okay, that’s a lie. I totally picture them with a kid and would have a blast writing the humor, affection, and angst inherent for them within that choice, but I don’t think that choice is in character for them. If they conceived a child, that would happen inadvertently. They’d both be terrified of parenthood, given their histories individually and together. Most likely Effie would terminate the pregnancy, but she’d be conflicted. And the more opportunity Haymitch would have to think about it, the more conflicted he would be as well.

The Hunger Games takes a toll in both ways. Kill a fetus to keep it from being born into a world where they’ve participated in and witnessed the killing of children? Or let the fetus become a baby with traumatized dysfunctional parents and hope for the best? I think they’d see it as a lose-lose, but also would feel so much tenderness about the possibility, especially if it happens years down the line in the feeling of “let’s do it now or maybe never.” Sound familiar? There’s some trauma reenactment there.

Trauma bonding and secure attachment:

I think that Hayffie could fall easily into reenacting trauma with each other. Here are some ways I see that playing out...

Haymitch experienced severe attachment trauma while still in early life, losing his parents and everyone he loved. This was on top of the trauma of being hunted and killing and witnessing death within the Games. This trauma was inflicted directly or indirectly by the Capitol. Haymitch has a lot of unresolved anger at the Capitol. Without integration there’s no healthy way for someone to cope with that severity of trauma. Hence, his addiction/alcoholism.

From the perspective of dysfunction, I can see him drawn to Effie because she’s a Capitol girl, controlled/controlling and emotionally abandoning. She doesn’t show up all warm and fuzzy and “talk to me, honey.” She shows up with open criticism and disdain for him. On the surface, she has those fundamental qualities in common with the primary abuser throughout his life (Snow). So through the lens of trauma reenactment, it makes perfect sense that he’d want to fuck her.

I imagine Effie experienced early life trauma that was more subtle but still impactful. She grew up in a place where one misstep could lead to her family’s ruin. She grew up with parents who likely demanded no missteps and were emotionally unavailable, being so focused on achievement over emotional health. To keep her parents’ approval Efffie needed to do everything precisely: appearance, manners, attitude, performance. When she didn’t exceed par, I imagine she was criticized and chastised. When she exceeded par she was praised. (Intermittent reinforcement.) Throughout her early life, she marinated in rigidity with constant reminders of what happened to people who were imperfect. Effie became an attention seeker and a people-pleaser. She sought validation from not just the masses, but also specifically from people who were the most critical of her and dependent in some way upon her *performance.*

From the perspective of dysfunction, I can see her drawn to Haymitch because he doesn’t offer her consistent validation. Even his *compliments* are teases, taunts, and mocking sarcasm. His alcoholism makes him emotionally unavailable and at times intermittently reinforcing. In moments, he’ll look right into her with unmistakable genuine attraction, and she’ll feel high when he does. The high comes because the attention is intermittent and unpredictable. In that state of emotional drugs flowing through her, it makes total sense that she’d want to fuck him.

Their potential for trauma bonding will make their relationship at times explosive and volatile, not overtly abusive but with sharp tongues and intense physicality that at times borders on punishing. Their desire for each other grows like wildfire, their bond tightens, and sex between them is compelling and delicious in a way that I don’t think either of them has experienced before.

I like to believe their potential for trauma bonding is only part of what draws them together.

I think Haymitch’s compassion in the second Quarter Quell touched young Effie’s heart very genuinely, and her young heart was also shaped by her great-grandmother’s unconditional love. With that heart, she in time grows deep affection for “her victors,” not just as validations of her self-worth, but as people who are truly deserving because of who they are, not what they do.

I think Haymitch has the capacity to see through Effie’s walls of makeup, clothing, and attitude to the heart of the girl who has watched him kill but doesn’t regard him as a murderer, rather she sees him still as the boy who held his friend’s hand in death. I like to think of him seeing that core aspect of himself through her eyes. Each time he sees it, he forgives himself a little more for the responsibility he feels for the death of his loved ones and everyone he ever killed in order to stay alive, and evey tribute who died under his mentorship. Haymitch carries impossibly heavy burdens on his shoulders, hence the alcoholism. Effie’s regard for him as a victor, a victor who showed compassion to Maysilee, to Katniss, to Peeta, and so on, lightens more and more over time the burden he carries.

I think their relationship is an interesting mix of dysfunction and healing. It’s raw and messy, and Effie desperately needs raw and messy, even though she fights against that a long time. Their relationship also has the capacity for deep tenderness and connection, and Haymitch desperately needs tenderness and connection, even though he fights against it a long time.

I so want to see Effie raw and messy. I so want to see Haymitch tender and connecting. That’s the unfolding I write for them together. It’s tough not to rush it, because it’s so interesting, and I want to see it all so badly.

After all these years, I am adoring Hayffie in this unexpected way. This ship is surprisingly intricate and beautiful.

P.S. If you made it this far, wow, and thanks for caring about the characters enough to read my extended ramblings. Comments welcome. I love to hear other people’s thoughts about Hayffie.

#hayffie #hayffie musings #effie x haymitch #haymitch x effie #effie trinket #haymitch abernathy #thg #hunger games musings #the hunger games #hunger games #character analysis #trauma reenactment #attachment trauma

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arlingtonpark · 5 years

Text

SNK 124 Review

I’m calling this maneuver the Full Eren, in which your mounting resentment gets the better of you and you to do crazy shit.

Connie’s…been through a lot. Like, everyone here has been through a lot, but for him, it’s… a lot a lot. He lost his home, his family, a couple of his friends, had to kill people against his better nature, lost his best friend, and then Eren started working with Zeke.

He’s lost a lot, and it seems to have finally gotten to him. Sasha’s death seems to have done it. He’s become more and more bitter recently and he’s become more and more resentful. When you get shat on by the world, it gets easy to think you deserve a break.

Your toilet clogs, your car dies, and your girlfriend dumps you all on the same day, and so you start expecting things to start going your way again. Maybe you even expect people to start showing some kindness to you. Because you’re going through a lot.

Then, when things don’t really start going your way, you get pissed.

Connie’s entire freak out here basically amounts to this:

It’s not fair!

Armin got to come back to life by eating someone. And he’s Armin. They were originally going to bring back Erwin, but they went with Armin instead, the bright but inexperienced one.

Now there’s a repeat of that happening, but this time Armin tells Connie they have to choose strategically, not with their emotions.

It’s not fair!

Connie’s definitely being irrational here. Armin never asked to be brought back; Connie’s anger should be directed at Jean or Mikasa.

And of course what Armin is saying doesn’t imply that Connie’s mom is unimportant. I’m sure Armin does value her life, it’s just that he’s not thinking in those terms. In terms of bettering Paradis’ current situation, bringing back Pixis has more value than bringing back Connie’s mom. That frame of reference is what’s relevant here.

No one denies that choosing Armin over Erwin wasn’t strategically sound. Even Armin himself. But going against this logic before doesn’t mean they should just ignore it completely now.

It makes sense to revive Pixis instead of Connie’s mom. That doesn’t say anything about her value as a human being.

But now, Connie’s decided he’s entitled to some kind of break and he’s going to get it, and fuck you if you try to stop him.

People can do cruel things when they’re aggrieved.

What Connie is doing is awful. He’s going to revive someone by killing a kid. Doing that to bring back Pixis would have some sense to it, but here, Connie is just being selfish.

He’s not doing this for the sake of everyone around him; he’s doing it for his own sake and his mother’s.

Compare this to Eren.

Eren is doing this for the sake of everyone around him, but that is outweighed by the cost of all the people who’ll die. Killing billions for the sake of millions will never not be wrong.

Meanwhile, sacrificing Falco to revive Pixis would arguably be fair, since Pixis would be better able to help people than Falco. Or Connie’s mom for that matter.

He would be Paradis’ new leader, and he’d clearly be good in that role. He’s smart, personable, and fair. He has expertise, but knows when to let other people, even completely inexperienced people, take the lead, as he did when defending Trost. These are all things you need in a leader.

He’d be the best person who could lead Paradis.

But this is Attack on Titan, so of course they had to kill him instead.

Speaking of Eren, I love how the end of the world is mostly a background event in this chapter. Apparently we’re getting every loose end out of the way before the main action begins!

I for one believe that killing billions of random people is a bad thing. Many would disagree with me, but whatever.

The best part about this chapter is how it systematically deconstructs every brain dead argument fans are making to justify Eren.

The very first thing this chapter points out is that Eldians will die too. There are Eldians all over the world and they’ll be crushed with everyone else. And because this is Attack on Titan, we can clearly see a mom crying with her baby on just the second page.

But I guess Eren considers them race traitors or something for hating Paradis.

Oh, yeah, and also he just assumes they hate Paradis.

Connie isn’t the only irrational one in this chapter.

Next thing is Jean victim-blaming the people Eren is about to kill. That’s what it is, victim-blaming, and I’ve actually seen it thrown about to justify the Rumbling.

These people are going to be massacred, but…they brought it on themselves! They started this fight! They can’t complain about dying, they chose to hate on Paradis!

The chapter rightfully casts this as fishing for excuses. “They” is a very broad term here. Most of the people in that “they” are not involved in the fighting and are just people living their lives. Lots of them probably hate Paradis, but so what? They’re just random people with no power to harm Paradis.

Those people probably also hate Eldians, and many Eldians are clearly hurt because of that bigotry, but who cares?

Eren clearly doesn’t, because he’s killing the Eldians too!

Eren is killing everyone outside Paradis, regardless of whether they’re Eldian or not, regardless of whether they hate Paradis or not.

That’s the final thing the chapter points out. Many of the people who’ll die are not involved in the conflict, like Onyankopon’s country.

Conflict is a bad thing because it hurts people and destroys lives. To limit this destruction, soldiers are required to distinguish between civilians and enemy combatants. Shoot at the enemy soldiers, not the guy who just happens to live down the street. The point is to limit people’s suffering. Otherwise…you end up with what Eren’s doing.

Slaughtering people because they’re not on your side.

Almost everyone who’ll die are just people living their lives. Eren is killing them because for all his talk about the value of life, he actually rejects that idea. As I’ve said before, Eren is basically a nihilist.

He has no morals. He has no principles. He has no ideology. He just wants his friends to live. That’s a good cause, but it is not tempered by anything that you’d call “thought.”

Eren’s problem is that he has no vision.

He has no vision for himself, the world, or even his friends, the very people who’s doing this for. He wants them to live, but not being dead isn’t the most visionary life goal.

He wants his friends to live long lives, but he doesn’t seem to care about what they do with those lives, not even in a friendly “Hey, so what’ve you got planned for this week?” kind of way.

He can’t imagine people having dreams because he’s never had any himself, aside from wanting other people to survive to live their dreams. Eren is what you could call “thriving-challenged.”

I don’t know if Eren will succeed, but the story clearly does not support the Rumbling, and that’s good.

The Founding Titan’s power is apparently a lot cruder than most assumed. Eren unhardened the walls, but he had to cancel all hardening to do it. And he apparently cannot control all titans. Come to think of it, Eren’s speech last chapter was broadcast to all Eldians, not just the ones on Paradis, even though he has no reason to tell Eldians outside of Paradis what he’s doing.

I don’t know where Isayama is going with this, but it makes for an interesting limitation. Wielding the full power of the Founding Titan has been compared to being a god, but now the Founding Titan isn’t looking so omnipotent anymore.

That’s not much of a limitation, since Eren can still flatten the world at will, but that just makes him like the Death Star. An imprecise, hulking planet killer.

But, just maybe, vulnerable to a smaller-scale attack.

So Annie’s back. Isayama had to do it if he wanted to make it up to the fans for a mostly Gabi-centric chapter.

I don’t really get the anger people have for Gabi. Yeah, she’s been an ass before, but…that’s the point?

Her character arc is that she learns how to not be an ass.

She’s already made up with Falco and Kaya, and it seems she’s going to be on at least neutral terms with Armin and Mikasa, all that’s left is to make nice with Connie for killing his girlfriend.

That may not be possible, but it’ll be a sign of how much she’s grown to even try it.

Gabi’s arc is a good sign for where this story is going. She was a brainwashed warrior, but by being shown kindness and mercy, she’s realized how wrong she was. In that way, she’s a better person than Eren.

Eren never could see past the hatred the outside world had for Paradis. It never seemed to occur to him that people could be made to think differently. It was pretty lazy of him.

That’s a pretty good word for it, actually. Lazy.

Everyone else was actually trying for a peaceful resolution, meanwhile Eren was just bumming around not helping. He sort of seemed to be waiting for a solution to fall into his lap. He must have forgotten he’s the main character of Attack on Titan.

Eren never fought for peace; he gave up too easily.

Gabi, meanwhile, has actually changed. She was shown the humanity of her supposed enemies and she’s reevaluated her worldview.

Eren has said he understands his enemies now, but that’s such a shallow change. He understands they have lives they live through, but he clearly doesn’t value their lives any more than he previously did.

So, yeah, Gabi’s a pretty good character, and a pretty good person. I hope she lives.

Another A+ goes to Kaya this chapter, who’s finally come around to Gabi.

I’m not sure how I feel about how quickly she changes her view on Gabi, but I get the logic. In that moment, as Gabi was standing over Nile’s titan, Kaya saw the same daring selflessness she saw in Sasha. That’s what wins her over.

That leads to the talk about people having devils in them. I like how the series talks about this here. Everyone has a capacity for wrongdoing. We all struggle with it sometimes.

What’s great about this is that the series is talking about the faults in human nature in a way that allows for choice and free will.

This is a more complex understanding of human nature. It’s not like what you see in places like 4chan or Reddit, where people just say that humans are selfish and we can’t do anything about it. People have no free will because we’re just slaves to our “violent nature” and that’s why war is inevitable and blah blah blah.

According to this scene, people struggle to not do evil. Implicitly, this means that some people choose to do evil. They give in. This notion allows for ideas like responsibility to exist. That’s good, because it’s true!

Compare this to Frieda’s worldview, which is similar but subtly different. She believed that the world’s cruelty meant we needed to be kind to others to the point of subservience.

Frieda saw kindness as a response to the world’s cruelty; in 124, kindness is framed as something that can directly change the world and make it less cruel. It is proactive, ironically by not doing something. Not giving in to the devil inside you.

I really hope Tia Ballard plays Yelena in the English dub of season 4. She’d be great in the role.

I can say that with more confidence than Yelena can say Zeke is special, that’s for sure. She’s just now starting to realize that Zeke isn’t all that special, or really even all that smart, and now she just wants a chair to sit down in.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to her, but it looks like Floch is going to try and take over, so she’s probably toast.

I don’t expect Floch to get anywhere far, since he’s presumably doing this to keep the throne warm for when Eren gets back, and Eren doesn’t want it. Floch will dispose of the volunteers but will be himself disposed of when (if?) Eren returns to Paradis and inevitably rejects the role of king.

…Is Historia even technically still the reigning monarch? Her Prime Minister was murdered and her government was overthrown by a coup with popular support.

Jeez, this probably shows how much she’s been a nonentity more than anything else. Her majesty’s government was deposed in a coup with the backing of the people, and she just…wasn’t a factor!

At this point, there has to be something big going on with Historia if we’re being made to wait this long for her to enter back into play. Set ups and payoffs are a basic part of any story. The longer Historia’s inevitable role is withheld from us, the more payoff there will need to be.

I don’t doubt that there could be a satisfying payoff, but the curiosity is starting to become palpable.

...Crap, so this what it’s like to be powerless in the face of something you have control over.

The outside world has my sympathies!

#snk 124 #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #spoilers #snk chapter 124

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phcking-detective · 5 years

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You know how Nines is a military grade android, and in the military soldiers are meant to be completely obedient to their CO. So what if the RK900 model had an imprinting protocol? Like them bonding deeply with the first human Officer that they see. It would ensure obedience and could start a reward system. Success means time with their human while failure means that they’re separated completely until they can prove themselves. And what if Gavin was the first human Nines saw after waking?

I kind of have an AU bouncing around in my head where Nines is human but was selected (along with Connor) to go through an experimental enhancement trial that fucked with his DNA. It either kills you, barely enhances you, or sometimes super rarely, like him Connor and Markus are the only successes, turns you into an incredibly Ultra Human

he’s separated from Connor because they’re identical twins and the scientists want to see how differently they react to the serum while totally separate, so no cross-contamination. Connor mostly develops mental-based powers, like telekinesis, reading people’s emotions, and even manipulating them. Nines mostly develops physical-based powers, like super healing, incredibly enhanced senses, extremely fast and strong. Markus develops all of that, but all of those powers at much lower levels. so like, he can do everything, but Connor and Nines are more specialized to their abilities specifically

Gavin is one of the rare kids that didn’t die from the experiments, but he barely (allegedly) was enhanced at all. since the government doesn’t want to waste money, and Gavin and Nines went through years of testing together as children, they decide to put Gavin to good use as Nines’s handler, especially since Nines doesn’t care for anyone else. the rumor is that while Connor’s serum enhanced all his emotions and empathy, Nines’s serum burned all the humanity right out of him. Gavin is the only person he’ll tolerate

(Nines is just autistic!! the serum didn’t do SHIT to his emotions or capacity to love, that’s the fucking childhood trauma of watching dozens of other kids die in tests or from the serum eating through their bodies, after being separated from your twin for the first time, forever)

the secret is that Gavin is ALSO an empath! his results might be more closely related to Markus, except weaker. the problem was that the scientists tested his healing and physical strength in comparison to NINES, the most successful case ever, and when Gavin didn’t measure up they were like “well that barely did anything >:/” and there’s not really any way to measure empath abilities, since that doesn’t have any physical, observable criteria. Connor and Markus’s abilities were both noted because they spoke up and demonstrated them in order to receive rewards and praise (bc they’re little kids and want love!!), plus their natural personalities made it obvious

but no one though to even ASK Gavin if he was experiencing empath signs, and since Connor and Markus were kept separate from the strength-based group Gavin and Nines were part of, he didn’t know anything about what those powers actually looked like himself. I mean, who would even consider that this horrible, angry little rat child would be an empath?? Connor and Markus are so nice and sweet!

so Gavin is drawn to Nines because he’s so quiet and his energy is so cold and forcibly stabilized that it’s a lot easier to deal with his own explosive emotions, like getting to stand in front of an air conditioner in the desert. and Nines bonds with Gavin because he needs someone after Connor is taken away and Gavin never forces him to talk and seems to understand him even when everyone else thinks he’s “creepy” or “stupid”

then Gavin becomes his handler and they’re a soldier-team together that works shockingly well, so the military’s attitude is basically “whatever gets these freaks results” so Gavin and Nines are allowed to always be together and work together, and Gavin handles all the bullshit politics going on in the military and making sure no one messes with Nines for being mostly non-verbal with zero social skills bc he’s literally never been allowed outside on his own before, and Nines physically protects Gavin on their missions

Gavin makes a really good leader because his low-key empath skills let him pick up what’s really going on, he can sense where Nines is all the time and how he’s feeling, and he can see the big picture while Nines tends to get bogged down in tiny details. meanwhile, Nines’s super senses make him incredibly physically observant, he has an eidetic memory, and he really is exponentially smarter than everyone else, people just underestimate him because he’s a big guy who can’t talk

(tw: mention of suicide below)

ugh, I really don’t have a plot or anything, just Gavin and Nines being super soldiers together and loving and protecting each other until they get a really fucked up order at some point. Nines can’t disobey orders due to the trauma-training / brainwashing since he was a child, and Gavin knows he CAN’T do this horrible thing, but also Nines will be ordered to kill him if he doesn’t and he can’t be responsible for “making” Nines do that bc he knows Nines would be devastated on the inside, so he decides to just do it himself so Nines doesn’t have to kill him, but Nines stops him like “You fool. I am so much smarter than the people giving orders and I have preconstructed 112 different ways to rules-lawyer my way out of these orders.” and then they burn down the whole program, and also Connor and Markus are there using their empath skills to help “deviate” the other soldiers / child-soldiers who have been brainwashed and they’re all finally reunited again

#reed900 #suicide #tw: suicide

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be-ca-lm · 4 years

Text

pls ignore just gotta get thoughts out of my brain

tw rape and sexual assault ok so i think it started very young when i couldn’t understand why the hell boys and men seemed more important to god and that god was always presented male - i was very young, like elementary aged when i reasoned: he made us in his own image, in order to create female he has to BE equally female, he has to have female image. i was told no no that is wrong and bad and heresy.

then i ALWAYS chafed at the idea of women being helpmeets to men, created as servants to them, their sole reason for existing being in service to better, stronger, smarter males (who cause all the problems like wtf) and that doesn’t seem right or just. the garden was perfect the world god created was perfect so why create anything as lesser than? do you hate women? but men came first - then woman to help, woman as decoration, as slave, as child bearer, as comforter, as mother, as scapegoat. woman as weaker. she fell for temptation in the garden, where was adam? See? Women are stupid, need protecting, incapable of rational thought, logic, reason. look how gullible. look how dangerous to be left unsupervised. all of humanity condemned to fiery torment because of woman. no responsibility of man. hate woman, blame woman, hurt woman, you have every justification to do so. she is trapped, hobbled, shackled, tied to you for her protection, existence, safety. she is prize, she is bounty, she is spoils of war. daughters are property. a woman who does not produce children is worthless, sons are currency for power, social capital, strength. daughters serve you. woman is there as punching bag, as masturbatory relief, as house slave, as decoration, worthless but worth stealing, dirty but rapeable, stupid but cunning, pure but deceptive, ruined but redeemable through birthing. a portal, a tool, woman as commodity, woman as vehicle of corruption and vehicle of salvation, simultaneously and never, all at once and at the same time, wretched and woman. not equal to, but a compliment. a complement. you are no equal to god’s masterpiece, the man. do not kid yourself.

god’s grand plan! look at his design. how perfect. how freeing. how it was meant to be. he created woman who would ruin it, but he is not to blame, it is his creation’s fault, but not the man who he likes better, no not his fault. she is saved through childbirth? she is worthy as ALWAYS depending on her proximity to a MAN to a husband father brother rapist captor buyer slaver son stoner judge jury executioner savior.

so why? why condemn me to this torturous existence, why give me the capacity to KNOW that I am intended to be Less Than, that I am the Weaker Vessel, that I am Not A Man but give me no comfort in that, no recourse, no ability to appeal this existence. Make me a man! I could do so much more for you! I could do your pillaging and raping, I could do your genocide, I could carry out your orders, sacrifice my children, I could spread your Gospel and praise your name, I could earn my place in your heaven by your side because you commanded that I Love You, I could invade your earth, slaughter your animals, impregnate your weaker washy women and fulfill your great commission, i could be the mulitiplier, the glorifier, the pastor preacher whitewasher brainwasher tombfiller father soldier conqueror profiteer leader ruler dictator sin hater. PICK ME CHOOSE ME all I wanted was to be LOVED by you to be told WELL DONE MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT am i not enough for you and since i so clearly am not, why did you create me this way.

find peace in your role. you have purpose. then why does that not feel natural as young as five years old? at 10? at 14? at 18? at 27? at 33? jesus knows your sorrows he knows you- JESUS CANNOT RELATE TO ME. he was born a man. he was not asked to make himself small. he submitted to dying. no one asked me if i wanted to volunteer. could i come back a man? I do not want to be a man. I want to be a woman in an existence where that is not automatically a Bad Thing, automatically a disadvantage. I am born guilty of the fall of humanity on my shoulders and told my shoulders can never be strong enough to carry that weight. a man will save me. be submissive. men are leaders, you are not naturally a leader.

men are logical. they can compartmentalize. women are emotional. they cannot compartmentalize, they are ruled by their emotions. men are waffles. women are spaghetti. men are from mars. women are from venus. pop psychology will explain why men are Better. they are better at math, geometry, women cannot visualize things in their brains like that. women are not good engineers. women are soft and kind and nurturing. THIS IS WHAT WAS TOLD TO MY FACE AS A CHILD. i nodded. ok this must be so, i do not see it, it is not true for me, it is not true of any of the women i know, but my dad is saying this IT MUST BE TRUE. how does he know how my brain is wired?

an escape. i learned about biblical singleness. i do not have to marry, i do not have to trade one household bondage for another, one male protector for a new one. i have an option? I can be single, nay, a single MISSIONARY. i can escape america, the bible belt, i can really and truly help people. i can share my burdens with them so i do not have to carry them alone. it will please god. it will make up for my being born a useless woman. if i do not marry, i do not have to submit to a man. i can be free. i can find some type of comfort in this lifetime.

somewhere along the way, i put aside my ever-growing frustrations toward the treatment of women and the hypocrisy. husbands lead the wife, they are the Head of the Household. I never saw that enacted. Pastor’s wives planned events, spoke at bible studies, sat on committees - it was limited to women only events, yes, but they led? they spoke? they taught and preached and sang and witnessed? the cognitive dissonance was too much. they budgeted, they shopped, they wore clothes i wasn’t allowed to, they were showy. but not allowed to speak in church, not allowed to preach, to pastor, to shepherd. they could mentor. Oh! Perfect. call it a different name and then you can do it. You’re not a pastor, a mentor. Not a preacher, a Bible teacher. The pastor husbands walked around domineering their families and making all the decisions? No - their families would have imploded. They preached submission but in function they were a team. everyone’s parents were. so i guess we can get away with it, and that makes it ok. label it differently and suddenly the bible has nothing to say on that particular matter. they are playing theological gymnastics, but if they can, i can too. i can sleep at night now, i do not have to be angry at god. i can ignore it.

A thought. I believe it grew in the garden of my own mind, but it’s possible a wayward seed blew in from elsewhere but I don’t remember. I was all-in, I silenced my doubts, I screwed my courage to the sticking place, I said yes I believe this, yes I am a dirty sinner, yes I do not deserve grace or mercy or forgiveness, yes I believe that god can give me that anyway in return for my life, my love, my thoughts, my actions, my deeds, my affiliations, my comfort, my pride, my complete and total surrender of my Self, my personality, my person, my autonomy, my desires, my entire existence. I was fervent. I learned the most, I delved in deep, it was theology, soteriology, epistemology, apologetics, baptisms and trinities and divine mysteries. i knew nothing of secular science, i learned nothing of sex. I knew dead men - Calvin, Luther, Arminius, Aquinas, Origen, Augustine, Spurgeon, Bonhoeffer, Wycliff, Niemoller, Lewis, Piper, Paul, James, I knew creeds, doctrines, catechisms, doxology, councils, heresies.

And I thought. I am all in. I accept all this. I evoke the proper response in myself when I learn these things. If I were born in any other time, any other place, into any other religion - I would accept those things just as eagerly and honestly. Would I not? How could I not? I earned the praise of adults, the admiration of youth group peers, I could exercise my intellect in a way not too offensive for a female to do, because it was always good to learn the bible, right? I was special, smart, serious. A student of the bible, i committed HUNDREDS of verses to memory, i competed in competitions that tested my knowledge of scripture against my peers, I was dominant. It nagged at me. I would have been the best anything, the best Muslim, the best Mormon, the best Hindu, the best Orthodox Jew (especially Orthodox Jew - there are so many RULES and ways to do it BETTER), I was completely lost in the swirl of religiosity that was my life. I did Christian ballet, Christian theater, watched Christian entertainment, listened to Christian music, went to Christian summer camp, had Christian friends, was in a Christian home school group, read Christian books, did Christian mission trips, and eventually chose to go to a Christian college. Not to brag, to sound so insanely arrogant - any religion would be happy to have me. I would give your cult a great name. I’ve got the resume and CV to join any believing army, just give me my marching orders. I swallowed my Self in the belly of the whale of god. My whole life and personality were these things and activities.

then - purity culture hit. and it brought back all the female trauma. the trauma of existing as a woman who THINKS in the subculture of christianity insanity.

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