#help this was supposed to be a small text post and now it's an essay i spent 4 hours on

[daydream-cement]

Keep Talking

Larissa Weems x Student!Reader

Authors Note: Hey everybody! I recently wrote a story where reader has a stutter and someone was lovely enough to chat with after I posted it about the misconceptions that I wrote into my fic! I do want to apologize to those with a stutter or related speech disorder for displaying stereotypes or making you feel underrepresented! I try to do adequate research before writing about any intersections that I do not have and I failed to do so with the other fic.

I hope I did better with this one! I used the resources below to write it!

Here are a couple resources for other writers who may chose to write characters with a stutter: Writing Characters Who Stutter or How to Write Stuttering (from a writer who's father stutters)

(Reader struggles with b, p, k, and w sounds.)

You were waiting at the Weathervane for your friends when Principal Weems graced the premises. Her head was held high as she pushed past the front door towards the small line of people waiting to order. You went back to typing on your computer, trying to complete an essay for anatomy class.

When she ordered, she sat across from you while she waited for her name to be called, "Now how are you today. Mx L/n?"

You had never had much of an opportunity to interact with Principal Weems while you were attending Nevermore, but from the few interactions you had, she always seemed nice enough.

"I'm good, P-p- I'm good. How are you?" You stopped yourself and restarted the thought, deciding to avoid saying her name all together.

"Very well. I'm just stopping in to get a coffee before my afternoon meetings." She gave you a theatrical eye roll, but it her tone suggested that she truly wasn't dreading any of her meetings. From what you understood, she seemed to like her job, apart from the occasional misbehaving student, "What are you doing here? Waiting for friends?"

"Yes, they were-were supposed to meet me here around 11, b-but they are running late." You explain, glancing down at your computer to check the time. It was only 11:15 and they had texted you that they would be there soon.

"I can keep you company until then if you would like?" Principal Weems offered. Just then her name was called and she gave you an apologetic glance as she lifted herself from the booth to retrieve her drink. She came back to sit with you, her hands on either side of the cup to soak in the warmth, "What are we working on?"

"W-well I started a p...paper on gorgon anatomy and I'm really enjoying it. It is very c-" You stop yourself and plan out the next few words wisely, "It is very interesting to learn about their abilities to stone p-people."

"Keep talking." Principal Weems was always one to make sure she encouraged students to find subjects they loved. In the end, she ended up helping you tons with your project that was due. It turns out that Principal Weems seemed to be well versed in many outcast subjects. You grew more and more comfortable talking with her, your stutter became slightly more subdued, but not absent.

When your friends arrived, Principal Weems was quick to stand, greeting the other students as she did so. She took her coffee from the table and big you a individual goodbye, "Great talking with you, dear. Have a wonderful day."

"You too!" You call after her before turning back to your friends to hear their story of why they were so late to coffee.

[just-another-mess-in-a-dress]

A Simple Kindness

YOI Snz Fic #1:

I finally sat down and decided to post some of my kink fics from over the years. Starting off with a bang:

Phichit my beloved, be still my beating heart I had to write for my boy. I love him so much, this was one of the first fics I wrote for this fandom. I hope you like it.

Fetish!Yuuri and a sneezy!Phichit because I’m horny and can’t help myself. Also Yuuri being a fuckin disaster is vibe okay!?!

Phichit 🥰⛸️

Just a little fyi I caught a pretty nasty cold ☹️🤧🤒

😬 IDK if you want to kick me out of the dorm.

I get it if you do.

I’ll try to keep my germs to myself! Promise.

😷

Yuuri reads the string of texts no less than thirteen times after receiving them. Because first of all, who gave emojis the right to be so lewd? And second… how the fuck is he supposed to keep it together if Phichit has a cold?

Their dorm is basically the size of a glorified closet there’s no way Yuuri can ahem… keep things to himself… Perhaps he should be more worried about Phichit potentially spreading some kind of virus to him but really that’s not so much a concern, per say… Also, is it wrong to be completely turned on by your friend’s cold and maybe lowkey hoping you catch it yourself?

Moral quandary aside, Yuuri does manage to text back.

I’m sorry to hear that! Of course I’m not kicking you out, you must be exhausted. When does your flight get in?

Yuuri tries to turn his attention back to business ethics but his mind is well and truly in the gutter now. Besides, the professor could not be more dull as he drones on about nothing and Yuuri’s a little busy hyper fixating on the emojis Phichit used.

As he sits there nervously bobbing his leg, Yuuri’s mind wanders to Phichit’s performance at the Cup of China just a day or so ago. He had looked a bit shaky with his jumps in the free skate and Yuuri knows Phichit’s triples are solid. Perhaps he wasn’t feeling well then too? Maybe that’s why he hadn’t placed well and that thought breaks Yuuri’s heart a bit.

Our flight leaves in about half an hour, I should be back around 5.

I’m so tired. Send help 😩

Grimacing at his phone again Yuuri tosses his notebook into his bag.

Do you need anything from the store? I’m going after class.

Yuuri taps his pen nervously on the edge of his desk as the professor’s conclusion slide pops up on the screen. Their midterm essay is due instead of class on Wednesday, which of course, Yuuri has already completed and sent in.

Just as he’s walking out the door, he gets a text that sends a rush of warmth between his legs.

Get lots of tissues and probably some of those disposable face masks. I’m really sneezy. 🤧 🤧 🤧

Like I haven’t really stopped sneezing since we landed in LA. 😩

People are staring at me lol.

Shit… Shit.

How is he even supposed to respond to that?! What does one say when their best friend says something that should be simple conversation but instead is giving Yuuri a new fantasy?

Is there anything else I can grab you?

It’s lame and stupid but holy shit he’s a little busy being jealous of all the people in LAX staring at Phichit…

Just some juice? You’re the best Yuuri! 💖💕💖

While Yuuri definitely disagrees with that sentiment he manages to smother his feelings (salacious and otherwise) long enough to get to the store. He gets four boxes of tissues, a pack of disposable masks, and a few small bottles of juice to put in their mini fridge. There’s a moment where he considers not grabbing disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer, but he decides that he shouldn’t actively try to catch whatever Phichit is bringing with him.

He does his best not to think about his roommate’s condition until he’s back in the dorm. It takes a minute to put away his groceries and another five to feed the hamsters before he throws himself onto his bed. Only then does he let his mind (and okay, yes, his hand too. Sue him) wander. It’s not like he hasn’t seen Phichit sick before, they’ve been rooming together for two years now and they travel internationally. Illness is common, normal for them, even.

Turns out his dick didn’t get that memo, however, and still gets all tingly at the idea of a runny nose. Such is life, he supposes.

Once he’s handled himself, he turns to his schoolwork, the monotony of his assignments. The mundane task does the trick and he feels more in control of himself now. And yeah, okay, jerking off can do that too, crazy world.

He checks his syllabuses to placate his nerves; his history professor is notoriously strict and for a second he’s convinced himself he did his whole mid-term in the wrong citation style. However, his nerves only settle for a minute or two before they bundle up again. This time because his ears catch the sound of a very congested sneeze from down the hall.

Yuuri’s mouth dries a bit as he fidgets on his bed, lord have mercy here we go.

The door opens and Yuuri’s heart instantly beats a bit faster.

Phichit looks terrible even with half his face covered. His eyes are red and watery, his complexion is nearly grey, and there’s a wet spot sitting right in the middle of his face mask.

“Hey. How’s it going?” Phichit asks, his voice is drenched in congestion and the question is punctuated with a harsh sniff.

“I’m alright. I thought you weren’t supposed to land until five.” Yuuri closes his laptop and sets it aside.

“We got- hhin early.” Phichit’s eyes squint up towards the industrial light above. His chest rises sporadically but ultimately leaves him without the satisfaction of a sneeze. “Ciao Ciao took me to the Student Health Center. On the bright side, it’s not the flu.”

“That’s good.” Yuuri manages to nod as Phichit drops his bag at the foot of his bed.

“So how… how wa-was… ahh…” An unnecessary hand raises up to cover his face, though Yuuri wonders if maybe it is necessary considering the sodden material. “He-tchuh! Tishuh!.. heh… heh eh-Psheh!”

“Bless you.” Yuuri forces himself to look away as his roommate wipes his eyes.

“Thank you… snif!” Phichit sighs as he squeezes his eyes shut. “How was your week?”

“Oh, it was fine. Business as usual. It was nice to have practices by myself.” Yuuri watches Phichit deflate into his bed. “Did the health center give you anything?”

“Yeah… but I don’t think I can take it… you know how the ISU is about medication. Don’t wanna risk it.”

“I’m sure your cold medicine isn’t banned.” Yuuri tries to reason.

“Ciao Ciao offered to call the hotline to find something I could take. I told him not to bother… it’s just a cold.” Phichit shrugs out of his coat. Yuuri swears he can see the goosebumps rise on Phichit’s skin when the coat falls to the floor.

“Yeah but… you look pretty-”

“Et-chuh!”

“Bless you… miserable.” Yuuri bites back the undignified sound he wants to make.

“I’ll be fine.” Phichit sniffs a few times, “Ugh, sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Yuuri bites his lip as he shuffles off the bed. “I got your tissues and juice.”

“Tha-hank chuh!... thank you.”

Yuuri opens one of the boxes, then he decides to just bring the trash can with him as he returns to the beds.

“Here.”

He places the bin near the head of Phichit’s bed, when he turns back to his friend he has to bite down hard to keep his jaw from dropping.

Phichit has removed his soiled face mask revealing the mess beneath. His nose is a bright warning label shade of red and its glistens with thin strands of mucous. He sits just on the precipice of a testy sneeze, his eyes half closed, his nostrils flaring dramatically, and of course, the jittery gasps that all culminate in what has to be a hugely reliving release.

“Hep-Tshu! He-Tcha! God.” He groans.

“Bless you.”

Phichit snuffles into no less than six tissues to clean up what must be hours of mess. Between the flight and the drive back to the university… god why does Yuuri sort of wish he were a face mask? What the fuck even…

“You don’t have to keep blessing me… I’m gonna be sneezy all night.” Phichit tosses the wad of tissues into the bin. “Do you want me to wear a mask?”

“Uh, no, you don’t have to. You’re the sick one and you’ve flown halfway across the world today. Just try to get comfortable, okay?”

Phichit looks up at him gratefully, “Maybe you should wear one then? Trust me, you don’t want to catch this.”

Well, that’s just patently untrue… Regardless, Yuuri plucks one of the disposable masks out of the box and throws it on. At least now he can hide his blushing, right? Especially because Phichit sneezes twice more while Yuuri’s back is turned.

“The nurse says it’s just a head cold but Ciao Ciao isn’t letting me skate for at least a week.” Phichit slumps further into his bed, a thin cough escaping his lungs. “I mean, isn’t getting last place punishment enough?”

“I don’t think you’re being punished.” Yuuri says grabbing a bottle of juice from the mini fridge.

“No, it’s punishment… He’s upset because I went out there and did my free skate while I had a fever.”

Yuuri swallows thickly as he puts the drink on the nightstand. “Oh, well, in that case… I guess you’re being punished.”

“What was I supposed to do? I went all the way to China to skate so I-… huh… I skha-ate… skated… uhuh… ehh…” Phichit’s hand raises lethargically in front of his face. He takes four deep inhales clearly trying to entice the sneeze forward and failing to do so.

“Yeah but… You should remember that Celestino is in charge of us, especially when we’re abroad. He wants you to take care of yourself, that’s all.”

“You’re one to talk.” Phichit snorts, the grimace he gives afterwards indicates the action hurts at least a little bit.

“Well… it’s easy to say when I’m not the one in trouble.” Yuuri chuckles nervously.

Phichit squints again, a shaky sigh rattling his chest. “Ehhh… ahh-ha-… huh… come on… Heptshah! Hatchu! Etsha-ETCHOO!”

Yuuri has to really focus on not paying attention to his groin after that particular display. Holy shit, why does his roommate – his best friend no less – have to be the perfect picture of a head cold?

“Bless you.” Yuuri can’t help himself from commenting as Phichit mops up his nose.

“Thank you…”

“You don’t have any mid-terms coming up do you?” Yuuri asks settling back into his own bed.

“No, thank god.” Phichit looks up from blowing his nose, “Did them all before I left. If I can’t skate there’s no way I’m going to class.”

“That’s good then, you have time to rest.” Yuuri tries in vain to return to his assignment but it’s incredibly difficult considering the circumstances. Phichit really is sneezing every five to ten minutes which is starting to wear on Yuuri’s resolve. Between blowing, sniffling, and sneezing he’s basically living in the type of universe his wildest wet dreams could only imagine.

It’s a relief when Ciao Ciao calls him.

“How are you Yuuri?” He asks, perfectly unaware of how ridiculous that question sounds to him.

“I’m alright…”

“Great, can you do me a favor? I got Phichit some medication for his cold can you come get it from my office?”

“Sure thing coach, I’ll be there in a bit.” Yuuri nearly runs out of the room. Part of him is a bit embarrassed to do so. The last thing he wants is Phichit thinking he finds his cold disgusting, but damnit he has a great excuse now to get his shit together. He throws his mask away the second he sees a trash bin and instantly takes a deep breath. The world is certainly testing his resolve today.

The walk to Celestino’s office is blissfully calm and the cool evening air does the trick. By the time he arrives, Yuuri feels like himself again and he’s not being manhandled by his dick, thank god. Ciao Ciao corrals him into a conversation about the Grand Prix Final coming up in December before handing off the medication.

Yuuri strolls back to the dorms at a leisurely pace, his head swirling with an ocean of thoughts. Between the Final, schoolwork, and the intrusive thoughts about Phichit’s cold; his brain is overrun with activity.

When he pushes into their room he finds the lights are still on but Phichit is dead to the world. Still, he tries to rouse his friend from his slumber.

“Phichit? Celestino got you some medicine.” Yuuri says softly putting a hand on his shoulder to shake him. There’s a moment where Yuuri can’t help himself. He finds his hand creeping up to Phichit’s forehead to check for temperature. He’s warm but not to such a degree that Yuuri is concerned.

Phichit’s eyes crack open just the slightest bit.

“Hey, Ciao Ciao got you-”

“Het-chu!” Phichit’s eyes shut as he jolts forward with the sneeze.

Yuuri pulls his hand back and closes his gaping mouth. Holy shit, holy shit, Phichit just sneezed on him. Any resolve he might have gained on his little walk around campus instantly leaves his body as he takes a step back.

Phichit, however, hasn’t seemed to notice at all as he rears back for another sneeze.

Yuuri pushes the tissue box a fraction closer to his friend. Phichit buries his face into the offered tissues and sneezes two more times before he seems to be aware of the world around him.

“Ugh… Hey, how… how long have you been gone?” Phichit asks pulling another tissue out of the box to blow his nose.

“About an hour. Ciao Ciao got you some ISU approved medicine.” Yuuri holds out the box to him, still reeling from what has just happened. His legs feel weak and he’s incredibly warm inside.

“And you… Aw, Yuuri that’s so nice of you to go get it for me. Thank you.”

“It was no trouble.” Yuuri tries to hide the furious blush overtaking his features.

“I’d hug you but I don’t think either of us want that.” Phichit sniffs to prove the point.

Yuuri turns back to his bed while Phichit downs a dose. When Yuuri turns around he sees the familiar sight of Phichit scrolling through his phone.

“You don’t want to get back to sleep?”

“I’m making sure Chris yelled at Viktor for me.” Phichit wipes his nose with the heel of his hand.

Yuuri sputters out a few incomprehensible sounds before eventually settling on a: “Huh!?”

“Oh, yeah. Viktor was patient zero.” Phichit rolls his eyes, “I’m pretty sure that he either doesn’t know how to cover his mouth or he was conspiring against us. The man was a walking biohazard during our practice days.”

It’s official, Yuuri no longer exists. Not on this Earth and maybe not even the next. Phichit has Viktor King-of-the-Ice Nikiforov’s cold. Phichit got to witness Viktor having the head cold from hell for days, and he apparently never covered his mouth. And now Yuuri has been infected. With Viktor’s cold. Viktor’s sneezy drippy cold. What a world.

The next few days are going to be quite the adventure. And Yuuri has some internet sleuthing to do to see if anyone recorded the Cup of China practice…

[kittenbased]

Call this a Sim Haesung appreciation post, a love letter for JunxHaesung a ship I freakingly adore, a poor (self-projecting) character analysis or simply just a stream of consciousness too loud to be put in gif and tag form when you accidentally let yourself invest a little too much in a kdrama you were supposed to casually enjoy and move on.

And this wall of text is what happens when you feel like you might never totally move on, like you’ve been left alone to deal with these overwhelming emotions after all the fun and angst were gone, like finally your favorite characters and your ship got the ending they deserve and that you’ve hoped for them since day 1 but at the same time you are no longer able to watch more of them, like suddenly you realize you are Yoon Jun when Sim siblings moved out - only too bad you don’t have a Haesung to sometimes go eat together, walk home with and propose to. 

These feelings are too much and too personal to translate into gif language so in this essay I will... 

Sim Hae Sung, I fell in love with her right at the moment she was first introduced. There were no significant reasons, only because I'm always weak for eldest daughters in kdramas, especially those who are written (and often taken at face value) as some selfish irresponsible airhead girlies giving no shit about their family's business. Something about the big sisters refusing/ignoring roles that they are supposed to take on just because they were born first is so enraging to some and fascinating to others. I'm the latter. I myself am a (horrible) eldest daughter too, so sorry I can't help but relate. And that's it, that's probably the only trait I find relatable about Haesung. Sometimes we don’t need to relate much to like a character and as ~ cliché ~ as it gets, I love Haesung because she's so different from me.

Now let’s talk about a character I relate to the most: Yoon Jun - the black sheep of the family, a background-ish friend to his ever troublemaking Sim siblings, a land owner with a house too big and too quiet for his own, an introvert who can’t stand small talks with strangers and hates being uncomfortable but wants to live as rowdy a life as possible, a helper and comforter but never lets anyone know about his issues enough to comfort him, a supposed to be normal, calm and rational one in this unusual revenge melo whatsoever drama. 

It’s also easier (for me) to relate to Jun because if there’s a character that represents some objective third party kind of view in this show it’s definitely him. Confused, irritated, annoyed, lonely, helpless, surprised, dumbfounded, lonely again (x3), guilty, lonely x1000... then healed and finally at peace. To be honest, I did not realize that I reacted to most of happenings in this show through Jun’s pov until much later. I read someone on twitter said that the watching experience would be totally different depending on which Sim siblings’ povs you chose to start with. It’s such an obvious statement and still it hit me quite hard. Because if I chose none? Like I actually had to sit down and ponder for a moment. And it all came clear to me. I realized why I adore Haesung, care so much about her, hurt for her and want nothing but the best for her. Because I've watched it all through Jun’s eyes and felt along with him, that’s why and that’s crazy. (It might be self-projecting to some extent but who consumes medias without a single shot of self-projecting let’s be real.) 

She brings comfort, the old kind of comfort that you treasure because you know it’s hard-earned from the privilege of being close and understanding for years. She might be annoying to be around sometimes but her absence might be even much more annoying. She is an embarrassing mess that often speaks things and does thing she should not, but you also would get hurt seeing her embarrassed or getting ridiculed. She acted on her emotions, gives out her feelings too quick and too loud, which you think is crazy and would never do until one day it you have to face that if you wouldn’t the only emotion you are left with is the loneliness that you always fear. She puts you at ease, being with her you feel safe and comfortable enough to talk about heavy stuffs you hide from everyone else, then by her own way of comforting, often some light-hearted silly jokes, she makes you smile. She lets you be the kid you couldn’t be at your own home, the younger and softer self you find it hard to be even with/especially with your best friend. And you start to see what she rarely shows/others fail to notice, her pains, her burdens, the mature sides of her, the way she’s too been on survival mode for too long it broke her inside.

She is so many things that you already knew, thought you already knew, and still you want to know more, embrace more. 

And naturally comes the romance. So cozy and comforting. So simple yet no less significant.

I randomly came across a post about the opposite site of friends to lovers tropes here on tumblr, it goes like this: 

At first I thought hmm interesting I would love to see more of that. But the inner JunxHaesung in me jumped out and I remain a sucker for friends to lovers trope (ofc when done right!). Just like Jun, I prefer the comfortableness of long time knowing and understanding. I also think friends to lovers, in Jun and Haesung case, is more than just complicated history, overlaps and whatnot. It’s more about unlearn and relearn in order to rewrite their history. In that process, they definitely make as much effort as anyone from any kind of tropes to know more about each other on purpose. And that... that’s beautiful to me. That’s also why, to me, the sweetest scene of this little ship might not be the love confession but this one:

[mychoombatheroomba]

Hey!

So as one of the most talented writers on this platform, naturally I come to you for help.

I’ve started writing. I’ve got a few Leon Kennedy wips atm but I’m focusing on one specifically right now. Do you have any advice for a writer starting out? Like how do you build a following? Where do you write your work? Any dos and don’ts or tips and tricks?

Thank you! P.s keep up your amazing writing 😃

BRO OMG THANK YOU I'd be happy to give what advice I can!

I'd say my biggest advice is just have fun! That's super corny but like, it's true! Fall in love with what you're writing, and I think someone else out there will too! It can be a little slow going at first, but just keep writing for the love of it and you'll get there!

My second biggest advice is (and this'll sound bad but bear with me) take from what you love! Don't plagiarize, obviously, but like, if there's a writing style you really like? Read lots of that style! Figure out what makes you enjoy it so much! There's a plot you like? Dissect it and figure out how you can apply it! For me, I love making little playlists that make me think of my story, and I will usually find a way to reference the songs in said story in some way! Inject your work with the things you love and it'll make you love it even more!

For starting a story, I'd say definitely have an outline of what you want to happen, all that jazz, but don't be afraid to let the story take you where it wants to go! Between the Bones was fully supposed to be less than 20 chapters, and OOPS.

I usually write in Google Docs and then I use the grammar/spell check in both that and Microsoft Word! Definitely not foolproof though, so I'd also recommend just going through and having the text to speech read your work back to you! That's been so so helpful for me! Beta readers are always great as well!

As for building a following, I wish I could give better advice for this one lol, I'm still figuring that one out here on tumblr! 😂 Overall though, I think posting regularly is unfortunately the best way I can think of to get your stuff out there, but I know that every writer's speed is different! That said, never feel rushed to update (she said, being a full on hypocrite and putting pressure on herself to update). People will wait for the stories they love! I love when I see a fic that makes me go "Ay yo, I never thought of that before, that's so cool" - so I think that finding a niche (for lack of a better term) can also help grow your following!

But again, all that to say, just write what you love dude! Let it get to the point of obsession! Long as it's making you happy, that's what matters! And PLEASE tag me in the stories you write, I'd love to read them!

So sorry to write a mini essay at you, I hope it was helpful, even if in a small way! And once again THANK YOU SO SO MUCH for enjoying my writing! It makes me very happy, and even more so to see it making other people happy too!

[0thsense]

28 9 2022

sigh. there is a 50% chance this is my last post on the blog. yesterday i felt very depressed in bed and i resolved to make a blog to write and vent, but today i randomly feel better. is it because i internalized what i thought about yesterday? i was feeling unhappy because my friend ned did not seem to be as happy to spend time with me. we were at one point comfortable and happy sharing our true thoughts but now i feel a sense of distance. it only makes sense because we live in different places for many years now but i cant help but feel there is more to it. our different stages in life with my degeneration while he is in a happy relationship and pursuing early retirement. i cant help but feel that maybe he just doesnt find as much value in our relationship anymore, while maybe im clinging on to my past glory. he seemed to value martin's company more because martin keeps up with the latest gossip from a variety of friend groups and perhaps i cant even offer anything more interesting than that anymore to ned. writing this is making me feel depressed again. i keep thinking about all the opportunities that ive missed and im already 27 now. i was telling martin on the subway back to our hotel how i read somewhere that your mental peak is at 25, and its just downhill from there. i tried to pretend and believe that i didn't let that change how i act, as martin annoyingly took the obvious position of 'oh are you going to just give up because of that', but i do think about it quite a bit. i dont have much time left, and worse yet i didnt realize how little time i have as ive squandered the past few years. i poured so much time into getting good at these games i dont want to mention, and achieved the goals i set. the only problem being that the goals were a proxy for actually being able to achieve the real goals i actually care about, and i still cannot achieve those real goals. i wonder if anybody other than me will ever read this. i hope that some random person finds this and finds it interesting enough to read and share. i dont think i will share this to anyone i know unless in time i become someone who can look back on this and laugh. that seems currently unlikely. today i met jarvis's friends. im not thinking of names for them because i dont think they will be recurring characters. i still struggle with meeting new people, i dont think the depressed state i am in helps very much for that. i probably came off as not shy but a little weird, which i guess is pretty accurate. i just wish i could make connections more easily, everything i do still feels forced, just like how its felt my whole life. it makes me worry about meeting a romantic partner. i used to think that if i could just show someone my true self i wouldnt have trouble finding a partner, but now im unsure of even that. ive lost a lot of confidence in my true self, and i also think my true self has truly become less compelling. im in a bit of a rut i suppose. if i start thinking all of these things every day i might do it. that felt forced to write but this blog is supposed to be a stream of consciousness so i should not hold back, though im probably just thinking it because its my first day writing this blog. i wonder if i should include mundane things like wow i scrolled up and this is a giant wall of text. probably not because it doesnt add anything and this is already getting very long. this might be the most words ive written in a single day since like my last essay in college, like more than 5 years ago. thats very sad to think about. my friend yan just posted that he will come home for 2-3 weeks for christmas. im very excited to hang out with yan again, but i have a small fear that he will treat me like ned. that would make me really sad. im kind of supposed to plan something important during those 2-3 weeks for the toddpole friend group, but its unclear and messy and it stresses me out a bit to think about it. i hope it works out, i think i can do it. of course no matter how well i do it i will get made fun of for it but thats just how it is.LIMIT

[swiftythewriter]

so, i’m supposed to be studying and def not be on social media rn but i am legit tearing up about Martha Jones and what she means to me as a character that i’m just going to try and to write this out so i can hopefully focus

to get one thing straight, Martha Jones is not my favorite character. i started watching DW when I was about twelve and tbh, for years after that i never really connected with her. it’s not too surprising since in terms of background, personality, and life experience (because, come on, i’m a lily white, only child shut in from the deep south) we had next to nothing in common. 

but.

out of all the characters that have been on the show, Martha Jones is solidly the one I want to live up to the most. 

maybe the reasons why are obvious, but they didn’t really crystallize to me till just now. the main one, for me, is that through out her arc her happiness did not depend on another person. even within her arc where she faced the consequences of her unrequited feelings, she still had this noticeable trait before she even said it out loud.

to go and break it down further, i believe there are several aspects to her personality that are important contributors in this: dedication, responsibility, and strong sense of self worth

dedication: this one seems pretty obvious, since when we are first introduced to Martha we are shown her position as a med student in her last year of residency. everyone with passing knowledge of what it takes to be a doctor knows this isn’t for the faint of heart. knowing just that we can already infer that she’s studious, hard working, and intelligent.

but it goes beyond that, as is continually shown throughout her arc. she becomes know as the “Woman Who Walked the Earth”, a title she got by literally walking around the earth for a year in an apocalyptic hellscape and never once wavering in completing in her mission. she didn’t just join but rose through the ranks of UNIT to the point where she was trusted with the Osterhagen key-quite literally the most important responsibility given to any single person at that point in human history.

and if we are talking about less dramatic examples, kindly take a look where Martha spent months undercover in an incredibly racist time period with absolutely no support despite there being actually no reason beyond Ten needing his little moral moment and yet not only managed to keep her spirits, but also is directly responsible for the Doctor’s plan not being any more of a clusterfuck than it already was. same story with “Blink”, where they both got trapped in the sixties and Martha once more had to stand up and handle things behind the scenes.

next, responsibility: this ties in really well with dedication and it can go double for all the things i listed above. the reason i think this is, is that as a result of her dedication and moral code, Martha tends to take on the problems set before her to the best of her abilities because she sees it as the right thing to do.  

but what i really want to look at is Martha’s sense of emotional responsibility, as in not the actions she takes but why she takes them. i feel like this is best seen in how she acts towards her family and is what really sets her apart from the other companions in the series. 

because you know what she does? she stays. her family needs her.

and here’s the ringer because name one character, one, since her that makes an active effort to maintain their relationships with their families when the Doctor comes to play. i can’t. really, i can’t

Donna? doesn’t count. she might love her family but when push comes to shove she was willing to die with the Doctor-or more accurately for who she became with the Doctor, than to live her life with them.

Rose? don’t make me laugh. she loves her mother to death, but not enough to choose her first.

Jack? no family to speak of at that point, but look how fast he leaves his friends at the very hint of the Doctor coming back into his life. yes, he has his immortality based reasons but there’s nothing about their scenes that doesn’t scream emotional.

Amy and Rory? i can count on one hand how many times the topic of relatives has come up for Amy and it still leaves me a finger left over for Rory. despite magically getting her parents back in her life she seems awfully unconcerned with their general existence. 

i’m also not entirely sure Rory has parents-or even connections, beyond his dad. he might have just sprung up in a field somewhere, and we’d never know. hey, maybe Amy wished him into existence a bit earlier than we all thought.

Clara? i’m almost certain she has parents. almost. like, she had an entire holiday dinner?? i’m pretty sure she mentioned her dad at some point?? but beyond the meet cute of how her parents got together, zilch. nada. she might as well have been an orphan.

Bill? okay she was actually an orphan but i don’t think she actually mentioned or contacted her foster mother after she moved out. not sure this counts tho. the Doctor was dading too hard to say she had no parents.

i admit the newest companions kind of break the mold but I still say it counts since the only familial connection Ryan and Graham try to maintain to between each other and while Yaz might be close to her family her life with the Doctor seems to be taking priority over both her career and how much she spends time connecting with her family.

honestly the only one that even comes close to subverting the pattern is Mickey and the only reason he doesn’t properly is because he didn’t have any living family before going to Pete’s world.

but even in the beginning Martha spends time actively maintaining her relationships with her family members. again, in her first episode we see her playing mediator for her family, and going on we see her doing her best to support her sister, be a good daughter to her mother, and keep her family connected through sheer will power at times. sure, the other companions have shown the appropriate concern when there’s threat to their loved ones lives, but Martha again subverts the mold when it becomes clear that she’s not willing to let them go. 

so, back to responsibility. 

you tie this with her morals and you get the result of a doctor that gives her last breaths to keep another person alive. 

you tie this with her dedication and you get the kind of person who will walk to the ends of the earth if she deems the cause good enough. 

and finally, if you tie this with her emotional connections, you have the kind of person that takes the hard, messy work of tying together a somewhat dysfunctional family with her bare hands.

so now we’ve reached a strong sense of self worth: this i think is present in all of her decisions in the show. like, her entire story arc as a companion was ended on the note that she discovered her self worth and that she shouldn’t made to be feeling like she’s second fiddle. but, again, i feel like this is shown clearly throughout her story line even if she didn’t consciously recognize it. 

the most obvious example i see on this kind of contrasts with the above one, and it is that Martha leaves. She chooses to go with the Doctor and see what’s out there. It’s not a decision her mother and perhaps the rest of her family would or does approve of and she still makes it.

she also, having taken the not so metaphorical leap of faith, chooses to pursue the Doctor romantically. that is something that i did not appreciate as a kid but respect the hell out of now. the sheer self confidence that it takes to not only approach your crush but pick yourself up after they don’t notice time and time again is absolutely incredible. we stan an absolute legend.

but back to my point, it would’ve been incredibly easy for Martha’s character to have been introduced as the stereotype of one of those people who go into medschool due to parental pressure. it could’ve even been supported by her background with her family and future character arc of discovering her worth.  but all those assertions evaporate the second she comes on screen. 

Why? Self worth. 

The concept that Martha could be pressured into her path in life is laughable. She perused medicine because she wanted to. It’s her passion. She didn’t have to say it out loud to be clear in her actions. 

Her family’s wants and opinions might have some weight because she respects them, but ultimately she doesn’t need their approval to make herself happy. Her teachers, peers and assumed friends at her school also had the same affect. 

Martha Jones went with the Doctor because she wanted to, and she stayed because she wanted to as well. Her choices are made to be the most fulfilling to herself. Yes, they are motivated by her responsibilities and dedication to see them through, but that is it-motivated. She does not need to live up to to the things people need from her to have fulfillment. 

See the choices she made after she left the Doctor if you want any indication. She enlisted in UNIT because she realized she could do more for the world than just be a doctor, and she decided she wanted to. She got into and out of an engagement because she was in touch with what made her happy and what didn’t. The choices she made during her time with UNIT were ones that she made not because the Doctor would approve-since she knew he wouldn’t, but were ones she reasoned were the best options forward. 

And finally, when Martha decided after the near end she didn’t want to be with UNIT anymore, she left and went to find something that she wanted to do more. 

i once read an excellent post that made the point that unlike other companions, Martha Jones never needed the Doctor, and it was absolutely right. In the end of the day, Martha Jones never needed anything but her own to hands to go and make the world a better place.

And you know what? At that, she is good. 

[achillieus]

let you down. (sebastian stan x reader)

summary: it's a universal truth but it's worth repeating; feelings eat us raw. or just an actor and a girl falling in and out of love over the course of three months.

(this was inspired by sebastian's visit to greece for his movie, monday, and is based on that, so that means in the story we’re in 2018. also i have this posted on ao3 too but while i’m writing the last parts i thought of posting it here too)

pairing: sebastian stan x reader

warnings: alcohol, sexual references, implied depression, don’t kill me because of the ending, sebastian and reader are the definition of right person wrong time, it's kinda slowburn because i love the yearning, also this part has some funny moments but overall it’s a big SOB

part: 6/6 (there will also be an epilogue)

(other parts)   (masterlist)

This is how it ends: broken hearts from crashed dreams.

Sebastian holds you until his muscles ache and your lungs burn from the feeling of too little oxygen. It is cold and dark, almost midnight, too dark, a starless night.

No more stars for you and I.

“Here,” Voice hoarse, eyes heavy-lid and itching from almost crying. He gives you one of the rings he wore in the movie. “I want you to keep this.”

Keep it close to your heart. Forget me not.

He takes a breath and a step back, tries to regain all the strength he still has, steady feet and shoulders fixed. He digs his nails into his palms, red marks in his skin, air catching in his throat, he’s on the verge of falling but he stays standing.

He remembers tears glistening down his cheeks, maybe they were yours not his, and the cold autumn wind hitting his face and he remembers feeling like he’s dying.

And then he closes the door of Argyris’ car and looks at you.

And his heart stretches and stretches and stretches and then somehow splits in half.

/

It goes like this:

There’s a ghost that lives in your apartment from now on. In the living room. Sitting on the couch. And it has steel blue eyes and a familiar heart. And it whispers a love story, half-finished, and you cannot make it stop.

The ghost touches your collarbone and he’s gone but there’s a ring in a golden chain around your neck and a white shirt forgotten in your laundry. And it smells like him. The clinging scent of his aftershave sticking to your pores. Eucalyptus. And no matter how hard you try to wash it off, it still lingers.

How could I ever forget someone like you?

The ghost lives here, but the place is empty, so empty. And it’s hard not to cry.

/

Sebastian calls and texts a lot.

He tells you he’s tired but excited because he started filming a new movie. It’s very indie and experimental, I can’t wait for you to see it. He tells you he’s missing his days in Greece like hell and that one night he dreamt of you. Didn’t want to wake up. What he doesn’t tell you is that he’s coming back in a month, Argyris needs him for some extra scenes. It’s nearly killing him but he doesn’t tell you. He wants to surprise you, see the pure light in your eyes when they’ll meet his.

/

You try sexting. It doesn’t go very well.

23:50, sebastian: if you were here in my bed right now what would you be doing

06:51, you: probably falling asleep hahaha

06:51, you: oh fuck was i supposed to sext back

06:51, you: sorry seb i just woke up and i have a class in an hour, love you <3

23:52, sebastian: fuck timezones

/

(three weeks and 10 seconds later)

“I can’t believe she doesn’t know you’re here,” Argyris shakes his head as he’s driving home from the airport, “If I were her, I’d kill you.”

“Good thing I didn’t fall in love with you.”

Sebastian laughs and looks out of the car window. The stars. There are so many stars tonight. He holds his breath; he’s finally feeling whole again. His heart isn’t split in two anymore.

/

You don’t know how long you stand there at your door, staring at him, but it feels like a century before he grins, almost laughs, takes your hands in his and you start considering that perhaps this isn’t a hallucination. Perhaps it’s real.

“Surprise?”

Something inside of you bursts, your organs twitch. You can’t think, you can’t speak, but you can move. You don’t lose any more time, you take a step forward, attach your bodies, your face buried in his neck, your fingers clutching into the rough fabric of his jacket. You breathe him in like an antidote.

“How?”

“Does it matter?”

“No.”

You kiss him and it’s like poetry, like art, like honey and you can’t separate yourself from him, not even hours later.

/

(looking back, these were the golden days)

You pretending to be mad at him for not telling you he was coming back and him pressing his lips on your skin, drawing patterns on your naked shoulder. A feathery touch.

Sebastian always touches you like you’re something made of gold and porcelain, something cherished that constantly needs to be treasured. And nobody has done that before. And you love him for it.

You try to decorate your Christmas tree together. He messes with the lights for a while, eventually gives up and goes on to eat too many reindeer shaped cookies.

He massages your muscles when you write a boring essay for college.

You go with him when he has to shoot a “driving a motorcycle naked in the centre of Athens” scene and you bite the inside of your cheeks to stop smiling like an idiot.

He gives you a dress he bought for you in New York.  

“You didn’t have to.”

“I know, but I wanted to.”

He calls you sweetheart in the mornings, still half asleep and later joins you in the shower.

“Why are you so hot?”

“Climate change”

“Oh, shut up”

It’s tender and it’s soft and it’s human.

And that’s the saddest part.

/

Soon you realize that him leaving two months ago was merely a rehearsal and you still haven’t said your actual goodbyes. Your chest starts to feel as if it’s full of crushed glass.

And it’s ridiculous because you fell in love with Sebastian sometime between the first ten days you spent together.

Who falls in love in ten days?  

Ridiculous or not, you know you are in love with him just as you know that sooner or later, whatever he is feeling will fade and wither. Maybe it’ll be in a week, maybe it’ll be in a month, maybe in a year if you’re lucky. But there will definitely come a day when he will step out of a gala or a party or a fancy gym in New York with a beautiful model in his arms and two paparazzi’s following him around.

What will you be then?

A past small cameo in his life. A side character. Will he remember your name?

He is your whole world.

(a bottle of cheap prosecco helps you decide that)

He is your whole world.

And yet, there will come a day when he won’t even remember your name.

/

It was difficult. No, it was the most difficult thing you’ve ever done. Telling him how you think it’d be better if you didn’t talk after he leaves.

“I don’t agree with this.”

“Seb, it’s for the best.”

Your body doesn’t feel strong enough to carry your heart. And you’re certain it will only get worse once he’s away. The world around you will melt. You’ll obsess over a phone screen and his messages. You’ll start chasing ghosts again. You can’t handle that.

“Why?” He says urgently and his fingers dance over the flesh of your palms.

“Because this”, you motion your hand between the two of you, “is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever had in my life and I don’t want it to become ugly.”

He nods, he understands.

“I love you, you know,” he says smiling and tugs you closer to him, “And I may not be here to show you but I think I’ll love you for a long time.”

Your hand grips his waist right to the bones and something flares in your eyes, something wild that wrenches you around.

“I know, I’ll love you the same.”

“Maybe we’ll meet again.”

“Only if I’m the luckiest girl on the planet.”

He laughs and you look at him, fully aware he’ll be ripped out of your life like a page from a cheap leather notebook. And when you kiss for the last time, there’s a hole forming in your soul.

And just because endings don’t leave visible scars to one’s body and soul, that doesn’t mean the scars don’t exist. You know they do, because you feel the aching pain of every single one of them.

/

(every night when you close your eyes you see him)

(every night you look at the stars and think of him)

/

A month passes and Argyris asks you if you miss him.

“I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

“He said the exact same thing.”

You tell him not to mention Sebastian again.

Two months pass and you need to stop stalking his instagram profile.

Three months pass and you almost text him.

Four months pass and you go to watch Endgame with some friends and you cry. You cry when Black Widow sacrifices herself and when Iron Man smiles at his wife while dying, and when Bucky Barnes appears on screen.

The others don’t understand and you don’t blame them.

Five months pass and Argyris’ girlfriend wants you to meet someone. A charming boy your age with blonde hair and a lip piercing.

And he's cute but you compare him to Sebastian even before he has the chance to say his name. His eyes are not the right shade of blue and he doesn’t look at you like you’re made of the world’s finest jewel.

And he doesn’t know any constellation names.

And then more than a year passes in a second and you learn to not look for him. Not anymore.

/

It’s early March 2020 and despite the rising fear of the upcoming pandemic, you’re doing well. Scars are starting to fade. And after spending two weeks in Prague, your best friend being there with an exchange program, Sebastian Stan is the farthest thing from your mind.

Until he literally comes crashing into you. At the airport.

No, it can’t be him.

You have your suitcase on one hand and a bottle of antiseptic gel on the other. He has two bodyguards on his sides and a black hoodie on.  And while half of his face is hidden behind a mask, you can see his eyes perfectly. A frozen lake in December. You would know those eyes in your deathbed, at the end of the world.

Your vision gets blurry and suddenly you feel cold.

He won’t recognize me, he can’t.

But then he looks at you and every memory you had buried inside of you resurfaces.

He motions to his guards to wait for him and he starts walking towards you. You breathe slowly, one breath at a time. He takes his mask off and you hesitate to take yours, not sure if you truly want him to see you.

You exchange the typical and very awkward hi, how are you, i’m glad you’re doing okay and then he smiles and it feels comfortable. Familiar.

It’s the whiff of another time that you always kept around. A reminder that you were once loved by a god.

“What are you doing here?”

“Filming Falcon and the Winter Soldier”

If you hadn’t unfollowed him on instagram, you’d known.

“Ah yes I heard about that, congrats.”

He nods a thank you.

“And you? In Prague?”

“I was at a friend.”

He looks conflicted, hurt, turns his gaze to his shoes on the grey cement. You want to say something, but you feel like throwing up.

And then he laughs.

“I was right.”

You’re confused, he notices.

“Back in Greece,” he swallows, “I told you this would happen.”

“It would have been an airport, different gates for each of us, but same waiting hall. Or a Greek island, where we’d both be for the summer.”

“I would have found you.”

You remember and you cannot help but smile. He was right. He found you.

“I didn’t believe you then.”

I barely believe you now.

He touches your hair. And his touch is like a knife. And you want to cry. Magnolias under your tongue. A love long lost is whispering in your ears until it hurts to listen. He’s like a magnetic field and you feel yourself drowning in him.

“I bet they’ll ask me a hundred questions about you later.” He says and looks at the two men waiting for him.

“And what will you tell them?”

“That you’re most probably the love of my life.”

Don’t cry, don’t cry.

“There’s no way we’d meet here if you’re not.”

“Sebastian,” His name sounds like a prayer coming out of your lips and you're ready to tell him you love him and you can swear he looks like he’s ready to faint, “I-”

The guards yell his name. And it's the same feeling people have just before a car crash.

“I’m sorry, I have to go.”

One last look.

Don’t cry, don’t cry.

You repeat it over and over again. But you fail.

“No, don't cry” He smiles, one last smile, “Just look at the stars and wait for us to meet again, because we will.”

He caresses the back of your palm for a second and you think your ribcage is shattering but it’s only your heart drumming frantically. Pushing your fragile bones to break. 

You want to stop him, wrap your arms around his torso, never let him go. Not again. But you don’t.

You just watch him leave, one more time, your knees weak, your head heavy and dizzy. For the split of a moment he turns and glances at you but then he’s nowhere to be seen.

Perhaps it was all in your imagination. Perhaps it was nothing but a wonder.

You get into your plane and you silently sob.

/

And then it’s summer.

And you overhear he was seen with a girl, the day before your vacation starts and you find a picture of them together a week later, a pretty blonde girl clinging to his side with a colorful bikini somewhere in Spain. And he’s smiling. And you feel so ashamed. And so stupid.

They say time heals all wounds but they must be wrong because you can’t forget how he used to smile at you or how he used to call you the love of his life.

Was he joking when he said you'll meet again? You bet if you asked him now, he wouldn't even remember saying it.

I’ll love you for a long time.

So long for nothing.

/

i really appreciate feedback, it motivates me tons and also tell me if you’d like to be tagged :) also i’m really sorry if you asked me to tag you and i didn’t  but i lost a lot of asks and the urls of the people that sent them :( 

tagging: @lharrietg @awkward117 @dannaloureen @broccoligf @cutestfangirlvevo @caitdaniels @arymb @buckybarnesishot310 @roguesthetic @itsaliceheree @sara-1705 @dorothea-hwldr @freshfreakoaftrash @drinkfantasy @christinamcdonnell ​@partypoison00 ​ @90ssantiago

[ariadne-does-her-best]

Sparks Dancing Across Your Skin

Jason Todd x Reader One-Shot; Soulmate!Au

Word Count: 5,000+

Warnings: Mentions of death, gets very angsty but ends with a happy ending :)

Author's Note: Hey guys! I just wanted to let you know that I’m trying to post once every two weeks on Sunday but its very difficult for me right now. I just started college this week so I haven't been very active on any of my socials because of my orientation schedule. Originally, this was going to be around the same length as the Dick one-shot but when I finished writing it, it didn’t feel complete so I may go back and turn this into a series. I’m not very satisfied with this but I did want to try and post regularly. Please let me know how you like this and if you would be willing to read a series with a similar plot. Thank you, Ariadne.

Summary: As someone with a busy schedule, you never really thought of who could be your soulmate. Rather you didn’t have the time. But lucky for you, it’s your friend. Unluckily for you, he’s a vigilante and you don’t even know his secret identity. 

You sighed as you packed up your belongings. You never meant to stay late but here you were, sitting in Mrs. Jones’s classroom, and if the clock was correct, Mrs. Jones herself had left more than two hours ago.

The class committee meetings weren’t supposed to take so long but that was only if the president, vice president, and secretary were all sharing the workload. As president, you had to pick up all of the slack that your friends left you. But you didn’t mind since you understood that they also have a life outside of school.

As you left the classroom, you made sure the door was locked on the inside before checking your phone. You only had one text and it was from your mother, telling you that she had to jet over to Paris to meet with an investor and that your father had gone to South Korea to look at some sort of textile for her. She ended the text by saying that she loves you and that she’ll try to be back in a week.

You stuffed your phone back into your pocket, turning the corner of the hallway towards the main entrance. You had parked your car in the back of the parking lot, something that you had started to regret once you saw how deserted the school really was. Remembering the fact that most people were kidnapped in parking lots, albeit grocery store parking lots, they were still parking lots at the end of the day. You sped up when you saw your car and yanked the door open before locking it after sitting inside. When you turned around to put your seatbelt on, you let out a scream when you saw that someone was in your backseat.

“Calm down, it's just me,” the boy said in the back, his red domino mask doing nothing to mask the laughter threatening to spill out of his mouth.

You sighed, running a hand through your hair as you stared at the boy who was laying on your backseat. Robin was organizing the items in your car, putting them into two piles. You watched him as he pulled out a piece of gum and popped a bubble. You smiled as you shook your head before coughing as you turned your car on, effectively grabbing his attention.

“You wanna go to the diner and tell me why you’re not with the Bat tonight?”

At that he pursed his lips, a small smile threatening to spill over.

“I dunno if I should…”

“I’ll pay.”

“Deal.”

*****

When you had first met Robin, it was after he had tried to help you escape from a mugger. Instead of cowering like he had expected you to, you had just grabbed the man's arm, twisting it as far back as you could without breaking it, and kicked him down. Robin had swooped down, laughing as he handcuffed the man and complimented you on your punch. You both were waiting for the GCPD when your stomach grumbled and you offered to treat him to some waffles at the diner across the street since it had started snowing. After that, you both kept meeting up frequently at night, him on patrol and you going home after finishing whatever official school-related event you had.

And soon enough, those nights all added up to you and Robin meeting up frequently to eat at the same diner from the first time you had met. You liked your friendship with Robin. Even though you had no idea who he was under the mask, you felt comfortable with him, like he was your rock to help keep you grounded.

As you sat there and watched him fiddle with the menu, you resisted the urge to grab his hands and instead looked down at your own hands. You started picking at the skin on one of your still healing scabs from where a cat from the animal shelter you volunteered at had scratched you.

“You should stop that,” Robin was looking at you, his bottom lip stuck out slightly in what you recognized as worry.

“You’re my distraction,” you waved your hand at him, “so go on, distract me.”

“What do you want me to talk about,” he asked as he leaned back, letting Linda, the waitress, put your regular orders down on the table. After a chorus of ‘thank you’s, you sipped your hot chocolate and contemplated on what to ask him. There was so much you didn’t know about Robin, such as his identity, but you didn’t want to scare him away.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”.

“Maybe a librarian,” he said after a long pause. You smiled at that and started stuffing your face with your hashbrowns, watching as Robin finished chewing his food.

“What about you, what do you want to be?”

You sat there, thinking. You never really knew what you wanted to be. Every year, you would have a new dream job but it never felt right to you. You just shrugged before turning the topic to books and different book recommendations, watching his eyes light up at the mention of literature.

“You should read Le Petit Prince,” you said as you both stood outside on the chilly November night. You had talked about different works by Shakespeare and had only started heading outside once Linda told you that it was ten. It was snowing slightly and Robin looked breathtaking with the white snow in his dark hair, his red mask creating a sharp contrast against the fairness of his skin.

“Only if you read it to me,” he said before grappling to the top of the veterinarian's office near the diner. You slowly walked to your car and turned it on. Robin was still sitting on the top of the building and as you pulled out of the parking lot, you waved goodbye to him before heading home, rolling your eyes with a smile when you realized that he was following you by running across the roofs of the buildings.

*****

“Hello, I’m (Y/N) (L/N), your tutor here at the Student Center. And you are?”

“Jason Todd,” the boy said, nodding at you as he pulled out his chair and sat down. You smiled at him and wrote his name down on the form you were given. You asked him basic questions about his grade, what class the assignment he wanted to go over was from, and what his reason was for visiting the center.

“All right, so it looks like Mr. Mijia wanted you to come in here and just have someone review your essay for you. Is he doing the extra credit padding before final exams again?”

Jason nodded his head and you marked the according box.

“Alright, the first thing I’m going to have you do is pull up an electronic copy and pass the hard copy to me. Then we’ll have you read it aloud so we can catch any grammatical errors.”

Jason nodded again before clearing his throat and reading his paper off of his screen, stumbling over the wording of his essay only twice. You were impressed, his style of writing was advanced, with him connecting his ideas throughout the whole essay.

“As time progresses, it is imperative to look--”

“Hey bestie,” you sighed when you heard the grating voice of Elsie Lager. You gave Jason an apologetic look before forcing a smile on your face as you faced Elsie.

“Hi Els, what are you doing here,” you asked, taking note of the way her eyes flitted over Jason, before landing on you.

“I’m just here to give you these,” she said, holding out a thick manilla folder. “Mrs. Jones said that we have to read through all of these proposals for the Spring Fling and Jackson and I thought that you could do it since you are the president. And because your mom is the famous torchbearer in today’s fashion world. It’ll just be soooo easy for you.”

You resisted the urge to smack Elsie with the manilla folder, aware of the fact that if you did that there was a witness, and instead took it from her hands before flipping through it. Great, there were over fifty concepts and designs to choose from. Taking out your planner, you wrote down ‘choose Spring Fling concept’ between your Taekwondo lesson and your animal fashion show at the shelter.

“I have that down, anything else I can do for you Elsie,” you asked with a strained smile. The brunette stood there, twisting a piece of hair around her pointer finger before smacking her forehead.

“OMG, I totally forgot! Callisto Barsotti told me that you should keep your ears open for an invite to one of his parties. I’ve gotta go now but you just have to tell me how you got Callisto to notice you, you lucky bitch.”

You watched as Elsie left the library, blowing a kiss towards you, in a blur of white. Sighing, you turned back around to Jason.

“I’m so sorry about the interruption. Why don’t you continue reading from where you were interrupted.”

“She’s a bitch,” Jason said. Your eyes widened in surprise and you watched as he leaned towards you, resting his face on his hand. “Why are you friends with people that take advantage of you like that?”

You sucked in your breath, keeping your face impassive as you stared down at him.

“You have no idea what my life is like Jason Todd,” you said evenly, setting the manilla folder to the side. “And because you don’t know me, why don’t we talk about something we do have some knowledge about: your essay.”

Jason just sighed before he started packing his items up, tugging the hard copy of his essay out from under your hands.

“You and I both know that I don’t need help with my essay. But if you ever need help, let me know,” and with a familiar wave, he left you sitting in the library, confused about how you had gotten his attention when you both weren’t even in the same grade.

*****

You scanned the room as you tugged your jacket around you. You normally didn’t attend parties, especially those that you knew involved alcohol, but your mother had pushed you to go after being nagged by Elsie’s mother by her daughter’s lack of invitation. And speaking of Elsie, she had left you alone as soon as she had entered the house. Which sucked since she had insisted on driving in her new Mercedes.

As you walked around the living room, making small talk with the people who greeted you, you couldn’t help but think about what Jason Todd had told you. It frustrated you that he took up so much space in your head, that he was all that you could think of since that day in the library.

He didn’t know anything about your life. While he had grown up on the streets, you had grown up with a silver spoon in your mouth, never having to worry about anything.

‘But you do worry,’ the small voice in your head said, sounding very similar to Robin. You needed a drink.

You were searching the coolers for a bottle of water when a heavy arm wrapped around your shoulders causing you to flinch and elbow them in the stomach.

“Ow, what was that for,” the person asked, slurring their words slightly. You looked up and sighed when you saw it was the host of the party, Callisto Barsotti. He smiled at you and rubbed at his stomach before holding his arms out, “I’ll let you go if you give me a hug,” he said, enunciating his words with grabby motions.

Normally, you would be on your best behavior, helping whoever was drunk by getting them water and calling their friends, but you were pissed. You didn’t want to be at this party, instead, your mother had forced you to go after Mrs. Lager had bitched to your mom about her precious Elsie not being invited. And to make matters worse, you were tired. So tired.

You were tired of your mother, for filling up your schedule with things you had no interest in, such as modeling gigs and piano lessons. Your father for never being there. Elsie for complaining to her mom and Callisto for inviting you to his stupid party. Jason Todd for being in your head for over a month. Robin for not reaching out in weeks. But mostly at yourself. You were upset at yourself for quietly taking all of this and then loading yourself up with more so you could be the perfect doll for your mother to brag about raising.

So when Callisto tried to grab you and hug you, you kneed him in the groin before deciding to walk home. Ignoring his cries and the looks you got from others at the party, you ran out of the house, only pausing to take a breath once you exited the gated property. You didn’t know where you wanted to go so you let your legs decide on what direction to walk.

Walking around anywhere in the middle of the night was not a great idea. But walking around Gotham in the middle of the night was one of the worst ideas anyone could have. Looking back at it, your night could have gotten worse, like you being kidnapped by a c-grade villain or something.

Instead, you ended up running into Robin. He didn’t look surprised to see you and instead gave you a small smile.

“So, do you wanna go to the diner,” he asked, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

“No,” you snapped, “Leave me the fuck alone birdbrain.” You pushed past him, a look of surprise etched on his face.

“(Y/N)! Wait!”

You ignored his calls and instead sped up, aware of the fact that he was catching up to you. At this point, you were walking near the actual city parts of Gotham so maybe you could get a cab to drop you off at your mother’s apartment near the business sector.

At that thought, you broke into a run, sprinting down the street before calling a cab, hyper-aware of the fact that Robin was staring at you with a look of hurt and confusion on his face.

*****

You felt bad for how you treated Robin. He didn’t deserve your cold shoulder and you certainly didn’t deserve him. With his witty jokes and the way he always followed you to make sure you got home alright, you had realized yesterday in the cab, watching the red and yellow of his costume jump by on the roof, that you didn’t deserve him.

You threw yourself back into your different activities and soon, you didn’t even have enough time to even think about what you were going to eat for dinner.

As you exited the school building, you walked slowly towards your car, being careful not to slip on the ice on the ground as you rounded the corner.

But you felt someone grab your wrist, making you scream and fall. The person cursed as they tried to pull you up but you slid as far away as you could from them so you could see their face. It was Callisto Barsotti.

“What the fuck,” you yelled, trying to yank your wrist out of his iron-like grip. When that didn’t work you got ready to elbow him but he twisted your other arm behind you, causing you to scream.

“Not today you bastard,” he growled as he started to drag you. You screamed and tugged against him, and when he turned towards you, you stopped pulling against him and stomped on his foot, making sure to drag your snow boots against the skin on his shin.

Callisto let out a cry of pain and you pushed him away from you, letting yourself fall to the ground out of shock.

“You little gremlin,” Callisto stuttered out as he started limping towards you. You panicked as you tried to find something heavy to hit him with. A rock or anything would do. But you couldn’t find anything so you got up on trembling legs to run towards your car.

But you didn’t have to worry as a figure in red and yellow dropped by and wacked Callisto in the back of the head. Your eyes widened as Robin took this moment to start kicking the fallen boy. You don’t know how long you stared at him, but you snapped out of your daze once you started hearing cracking noises.

“Stop! Robin, please stop,” you cried desperately. But he didn’t stop, he continued to beat Callisto.

“Please stop,” you cried, whimpering as you knelt down near Robin. When he didn’t listen to you again, you leaned forward and grabbed his face, turning it towards you. You were going to tell him to stop again but you then felt a warm sensation, different from the coldness from the March air, followed by the feeling of a shock. Your soulmate, Robin was your soulmate.

He stared at you in shock, allowing you to pull him off of Callisto. You pushed him towards your car, and he stumbled since he was still staring at you as a look of understanding passed on his face.

“Look,” you said, inspecting the blood on Robin’s costume, “you need to listen to what I’m going to say carefully. Go to my car and grab the cleaning wipes from the trunk. Clean yourself off as I call the cops. The story is going to be that you were patrolling the area and heard my screams.”

Robin stared at you, mouth slightly open as he reached to touch you with a bare hand. You let his fingers ghost against your skin, the shock from before still present as you pulled back to stare at him.

“Go.”

*****

It's been over five hours since Robin beat Callisto. Not half to death like you had expected but still pretty bad since he had a broken nose, arm, and bruised ribs. As you waited in the police station for your parents to pick you up (“The gang that you described could always come back for you,” the officer had said), you could only think about how scary it was, watching Robin hit someone so many times with so much anger in him. In the end, your parents didn’t come and instead, your older brother had driven all the way from Metropolis to pick you up.

You both didn’t talk to each other during the ride back to your house but you could tell he was worried by the way his eyes would flicker to you. When you reached the gates to your house, your brother had parked the car and turned to look at you.

‘(Y/N), I have no idea what's going on with you right now but if you ever feel overwhelmed or alone, just tell me and I’ll take you with me back to Gran’s in Metropolis.”

You smiled at him, eyes tired but filled with a small spark as you exited his car, making sure to express your thanks with a kiss on his cheek. As you entered your house, you took off your shoes and slipped on your home slippers before going to your room and taking a shower. Drying your hair, you walked towards your windows to close your curtains, letting out a slight scream when you saw a hand pressed against the glass.

You sighed when you saw it was Robin and opened your window, letting him come inside to your room. He looked around your room, studying the many medals and certificates you had accumulated from the years along with the magazines you had in your room, before turning towards you.

“Hey,” you said, walking to him slowly. Robin licked his lips slightly as he stared at you before coughing.

“Can I please touch you,” he asked, his voice breaking slightly. You nodded and watched as he took off his right glove before caressing your cheek with his hand. You watched as he smiled when he felt the same spark from before, a breathless laugh escaping his lips as he took off his left glove so he could hold you with both hands. You shivered as his thumb ghosted over your bottom lip, eyes closing before snapping open when you couldn’t feel the warmth from Robin’s hands.

“Don’t freak out,” he whispered in your ear, “I’m just going to close the window and then dry your hair for you. Just go and sit down and I’ll be right there.”

You nodded and sat down at the chair in front of your vanity, watching as he closed your window and pulled the curtains before grabbing your towel. You smiled as you watched him in the mirror, massaging your head with your hands before wrapping your towel around your scalp.

“How come you never asked me what my name was,” Robin asked as he brushed through your hair.

“You’ll tell me when the time is right.”

*****

“I should’ve asked him what his name was,” you thought as you walked near an alley, waiting for a sign of Batman so you could ask him what happened to your soulmate.

A couple of months had passed since you had last seen Robin in April. He had looked angry when you both had met up at the diner and he had further worried you when he ignored the ringing of his phone. As soon as he had seen that you were tucked into bed, he had given you a peck on the forehead before leaving through your window.

You were worried for him. Dressing up as a traffic light every night was dangerous, no matter how much you loved going out there and beating up criminals. So you had been following Batman for months, trying to find a moment to ask him what happened to your soulmate. But you never had the opportunity since he always managed to lose you by either disappearing or by just leading you into a dead end.

Months of following Batman has helped you as you were now familiar with the rooftops of Gotham, like the roof of the veterinarian’s office near the diner you and Robin used to meet up at. Sitting with binoculars, you let out a small gasp when you saw a familiar flash of red and yellow, watching as it ran across a rooftop. Scrambling, you started following the figure, zigzagging around multiple large gaps that you couldn’t jump before cursing when you realized that he was gone.

“Why are you following me,” an unfamiliar voice asked behind you. You turned around and assessed the boy, taking note of the fact that he was taller than your Robin and didn’t seem to have the same half-smile-half-smirk that he did. But the only way to confirm, for your brain to tell your heart to stop searching would be direct contact.

“I can’t find someone,” you started, voice shaky as your eyes filled with tears. The boy’s mouth twisted in a slight frown but he still let you continue.

“I just need to check that you’re not my Robin. Please, let me just hold your hand briefly or something. I just need to know.”

At this point, you were crying. When he hadn’t returned the next day, you had started to panic, wondering if he had really left you and gone somewhere else. But that night, you had started out of your bed, wondering what had woken you up when you felt a hollowness inside of you.

The boy patted your shoulder sympathetically before offering his hand to you. Sniffling, you pulled his glove down slightly so his wrist was showing and touched it.

There were no sparks, no warmth, as you collapsed on the rooftop and cried.

Your Robin was no more.

*****

You smiled as you entered the diner, waving at Linda before taking the booth that you and Robin used to eat at. Six years had passed since you had learned that he was no more and even though it was hard most of the time, you always moved forward. You had graduated high school and gone forward to become a librarian, your choice mostly influenced by your late soulmate.

As you waited for Linda to bring out your regular order, you looked around the diner, recognizing everyone except for a man wearing a red sweatshirt. He was staring down at his phone but was now looking up at you when he felt your stare. You flushed slightly and gave him a wave before looking out of the window.

When Linda came out with your packed regular, you left after giving her a large tip. You had to go back to work.

*****

When Jason came back to life, he knew something was wrong.

After finding out that you were his soulmate, he felt this familiar warmth inside of him, similar to the feeling from when Bruce had first made him Robin. But after the pit, that feeling was multiplied tenfold, to the point that it felt like he was being burned from the inside out. And then the random sparks started.

The first time was when he was with Talia. It had been months since she had started training him, helping him remember a bit of who he was beforehand. When she grabbed his wrist, he felt a spark. It wasn’t the same familiar, welcomed spark with you but it was still a spark. He had brushed it off as static electricity, especially since Talia didn’t seem to have noticed.

But the sparks continued. He felt it frequently when people would hold him, touch him, brush against him. It was an annoyance at that point. A reminder that something was wrong with him, especially since he knew that you were his soulmate and that the others seemed to have not noticed the sparks.

So when Jason saw you walking home one night, he couldn’t help but follow you to make sure you got back safe, just like in the old days. Except for the fact that it’s not like the old days and he was malfunctioning. He was too scared to meet you; he was terrified of the idea that he might touch you and that there would be no spark anymore.

Jason had decided to only follow you home and keep you safe from the shadows, to never interact with you directly. So why exactly was he bleeding on your couch?

He watched as you helped him out of his leather jacket, eyes following your movements to the best of his abilities. He then watched as you pulled out a pair of scissors and started cutting the area he was shot.

Your eyebrows were furrowed and Jason couldn’t help but want to reach out and smooth them. Instead, he settled for helping you by peeling the square of his cut shirt away as you prepared the gauze to apply pressure.

His head was spinning and his breathing sounded labored even to his own ears but Jason didn’t want to take off his helmet in fear that you would recognize him from the red domino. But you seemed to have other plans as you reached your hands towards his head, still applying pressure to his wound with your knee.

He tried to avoid your hands but it was difficult to do when his head started to spin. He just watched as your hands reached out towards his helmet and opened it.

A small, selfish part of him wanted you to pull off the helmet and accept him, regardless of whether or not the spark was still there. But from the two years that he had known you, he knew that you’d accept him as Robin, but he wasn’t sure that you’d accept him as Red Hood.

Jason watched as your eyes widened at the sight of his red domino but you didn’t go as far as to peel it off. Instead, you turned your attention back to his wound, gathering more gauze to apply pressure.

As he lost consciousness, he watched as your concerned face entered his vision. And then he felt the fated spark, and all he could think about was how right it felt.

*****

When Jason woke up, he was surprised. By multiple things. For one, you hadn’t called the cops on him. The second thing being the fact that he was, in fact, fine and not dead: he had checked by pinching himself. The third was that his domino was still on his face. And the last being that he could hear your voice clearly, it was distinct, like music against his ears.

He listened as you spoke, not understanding what you were saying but knowing that you were reading Le Petit Prince. After all, one of the first things he did after coming back from the pit was listening to the audiobook, imagining what you would sound like.

He heard the page flip and decided that now would be a good time to open his eyes and sit up.

His sudden movement startled you. You both stared at each other before Jason croaked out a ‘hi’. He watched as your eyes filled with tears as you hugged Jason gently like he was the most delicate, expensive thing in the world.

“I missed you (Y/N),” Jason whispered against your shoulder, feeling the tears form in his eyes as he pulled back.

Your eyes flitted down to his wound with a concerned look but he tilted your head up, towards his face as he pulled the domino off.

He saw a look of recognition in your eyes, knowing for sure that they recognized him when you whispered ‘Jason Todd.’

He nodded, watching as you slowly extended your hands towards his face, caressing it as you skimmed your thumbs over his cheekbones.

“I’m a terrible person,” Jason whispered, looking down into his lap. You simply lifted his face, shaking your head.

“You’re not a terrible person Jason. You were a hero back when you were Robin and you’re a hero as the Red Hood. You’ve always been one. Now lie back down before you pull your stitches and tell me what you’ve been up to.”

Jason smiled as he laid his head across your lap, smiling as the sparks now seemed to dance across his skin in joy, happy that he was finally home.

[feralphoenix]

HOWMST BELL THE CAT? - A treatise on one aspect of how the Pale King sealed the Radiance

sup hollow knight fandom, i’m back with the picante takes again after having Noticed A Thing.

as with my previous essays i’ll put this guy up on dreamwidth later for accessibility purposes, since my layout text may be too small for high-res pc users. i will attach that in a reblog at a later point.

CONTENT WARNINGS FOR TONIGHT’S PROGRAM: This essay discusses canon-typical body horror and bodily boundary violations, with some side mentions of colonialism.

all game screencaps are mine. the screencap of the wiki is from the “developer notes” (style guide) section of the “cut content” page.

ALSO: if youre from a christian cultural upbringing (whether currently practicing, agnostic/secular, or atheist now), understand that some of what i’m discussing here may challenge you. if thinking thru the implications of this particular part of hollow knight worldbuilding/lore is distressing for you, PLEASE only approach this essay when youre in a safe mindset & open to listening, and ask the help of a therapist or anti-racism teacher/mentor to help you process your thoughts & feelings. just like keep in mind that youre listening to an ethnoreligiously marginalized person and please be respectful here or wherever else youre discussing this dang essay, ty

HOWMST BELL THE CAT? - A treatise on one aspect of how the Pale King sealed the Radiance

We understand more or less how the Pale King’s plan was supposed to work. Stuff Radiance into a no-thoughts-head-empty and silent Pure Vessel to trap, isolate, and silence her, both putting an end to the Infection and killing her for good. Stick that vessel in the Black Egg, which harnesses Void BS to both keep the vessel alive indefinitely and to cover Hallownest (and its neighbors) in a time-defying stasis so that the Pale King could successfully hoard his favorite shiny FOREVER, threatened by nothing. Then put a seal on the Black Egg to prevent anyone from getting inside and harming said vessel while it’s strung up and helpless. And THEN, put protective seals on the anchors (the Dreamers) to the Black Egg seal to protect them from any external harm: The stasis means the Dreamers won't die of old age or starvation.

All in all, a pretty foolproof plan!

...except that the Dreamers are still vulnerable to having their minds breached with the moths’ magic... and the Pale King failed to take into account that his Pure Vessel was a person actually and the amount of toxic stress his training/upbringing put on them made them REALLY POORLY SUITED FOR THEIR JOB... and also that killing 99% of his million children and turning the Abyss into a landfill for baby corpses would take enough of an emotional toll on his wife and #1 enabler the White Lady that she would walk out on him, ensuring he’d only ever have one shot at this whole deal...

Basically it’s the sort of plan that an emotionally constipated, low-empathy sort of guy who pours all his points into INT and has a big fat zero for WIS might think is foolproof. It has big holes in it that the Pale King did not consider to be big holes until he got owned by the various consequences of his actions and fell down said big holes, making the shocked pikachu face all the while. Rip in die, my guy.

Anyway, there’s a lot of incidental information scattered about the game that gives us more insight into the stages of TPK’s plan. Looking at Monomon’s notes in the Archive suggests that she was probably involved in designing the Black Egg; the hidden room in the Weavers’ den points to their being the ones to blueprint the Dreamer seal; the White Palace’s hidden rooms reveal both TPK’s morbid fascination with the Void and his mea culpa wrt his motives and the Path of Pain is certainly suggestive of a lot of things. The White Lady tells us straight out that she walked out on the Pale King because she wanted no part in a second vessel batch, but how TPK didn’t handle that is only revealed via map design and some incidental dialogue from the Old Stag.

This stuff presents us with, if not a full picture, then at least a decent connect-the-dots of certain aspects of crater politics and Pale Court drama at the time, and how exactly TPK’s plan came together.

But there is still one glaring question that these cookie crumbs do not provide us an answer to:

Who shall bell the cat?

How did TPK et al manage to stuff Radiance into Hollow in the first place?

This is the subject of a lot of memes and jokes within the fandom because it's so absurd. Radiance fuckin hates that dude! She’s probably gonna be pretty wary of him considering how he stole her people in the first place! And considering the anti-colonialism slant of the writing - beyond the general sympathetic view Team Cherry gives of each indigenous bug society, Seer makes it very clear that Radiance has very good reason to take violent action against Hallownest - the answer is probably not something like “she’s just that stupid” or “she rolled a crit fail”.

Well... I have an idea of how TPK managed to get Radiance in there. It raises about as many questions as it answers, mind, but it may be someplace to start.

[desc: the hollow knight's entry in the hunter’s journal. top text/ghost’s comment reads: “Fully grown Vessel, carrying the plague’s heart within its body.” bottom text/hunter’s comment says: “The old King of Hallownest... he must have been desperate to save his crumbling little world. The sacrifices he imposed on others... all for nothing.”]

Here we have Hollow’s bestiary entry. Most of what we’re concerned with here is the top text, which says the seal has literally trapped Radiance inside their body. (First of all, ew, TPK.)

We already knew Radiance is literally actually inside Hollow, though: The Infection is leaking out of their body, and to get to fight Radiance, Ghost has to go traipsing into their sibling’s mind. So what’s significant about that here?

[desc: screencap of the outside of the black egg temple, post-infected crossroads. there are large infection blobs in the foreground and background, connected to each other by veins that come from inside the temple.]

The infection blobs are weird and get weirder if you kill enough Lightseeds for the Hunter to tell you their origin story, i.e. that the literal actual sun has been having a very long bad day and cried a lot, and some of the liquid coalesced into living flesh, and some of that living flesh took on a mind of its own to become Lightseeds. (Hollow Knight is a WILD place.)

Lightseeds are Radiance’s accidental children and share a lot of her traits: They are harmless creatures that try to avoid conflict if possible but if pushed will get creative and find ways to fight regardless of their physical limitations. (For the Lightseeds this involves hiding inside Broken Vessel’s corpse and puppeting it around to try to stab you.) They even have her same distinctive yell. And according to the Hunter, they’re born from the infection blobs. These enemies only ever appear in the Ancient Basin, which both Radiance and the Void have ransacked, and in the Infected Crossroads.

The infection blobs are connected to and sort of a weird extension of Radiance because the Infection itself is sort of a weird extension of Radiance. In the game’s internal style guide Team Cherry explains that the Infection started as an accident, not her original intention but what happened when Hallownest tried to block her out.

[desc: screencap from the wiki of style notes attached to seer that describe a sketch of radiance’s finalized backstory. text reads: “The moth tribe were (perhaps) descended from Radiance. However, the King convinced them somehow to seal Radiance away. I guess so he could rule Hallownest with his singular vision, as a god/monarch with no other gods. The moths sealed Radiance away by forgetting about her. Hallownest was born and flourished. However, the memory of Radiance lingered (eg [sic] the statue at hallownest’s crown) and soon she began to reappear in dreams and starting [sic] exerting influence. The King and the bugs of Hallownest resisted this memory/power and it started to manifest as the Infection. Thus the first attempt to seal Radiance failed, and the King had to try another method - the Vessel.” emphasis mine.]

Some fans have posited the blobs as deposits of pupa juice, but given Team Cherry's description of the Infection’s origins I don’t know how likely that is. Since the Void also sticks its squamous tentacles into things via veiny looking things and the Nightmare’s Heart has similar veiny nonsense in the Nightmare Realm, I wonder if it isn’t just a Meddly God Shit thing in general.

Whatever the case, the blobs are very much connected to/a part of Radiance.

And when you’re hanging around them, you will notice two things: They pulse like they’re part of a circulatory system, and you can hear Radiance's heartbeat emanating from them.

[desc: screencap of the game’s title screen with the infected menu theme in use: a glowing orange ball at the center of a lot of black tendony webbing.]

Let’s also think of the Infected menu theme, which you unlock after getting either of the endings where Ghost takes over from Hollow and absorbs Radiance out of them. Ghost is infected and then sealed inside the Black Egg in Hollow's place. It’s suggested by the animation’s staging that Radiance briefly struggles to get out of Ghost after absorbed but is ultimately stuck in them, at which point the seal is reestablished.

If you haven’t used the Infected menu theme yourself, the... interesting thing about it is that it moves organically. The light ball expands and contracts - y’know, sort of like a living organ - and so does the black webby stuff around it.

Also, Radiance’s heartbeat is included in the theme's ambiance.

[desc: hollow’s bestiary entry again]

To cut to the chase, this part of Hollow’s bestiary entry that says “the plague’s heart”? I don’t think that’s just Ghost/Team Cherry being poetic. I think there’s a good chance it’s LITERAL.

I think TPK is the sort of person who could cram a native woman’s literal living beating heart inside his own child’s body so they can use it as... say, a focus to absorb and trap her mind/spirit inside their body, too. Mr. No Cost Too Great is capable of a lot in the name of keeping other people’s claws off his Big Shiny kingdom. This is kind of his whole brand.

But also, like, yuck.

This fits the worldbuilding too; generally speaking Hollow Knight is Body Horror City. Also there’s the case of Grimm: While he and Radiance are loose counterparts at best with WILDLY disparate outlooks and ethoses, his existence serves as precedent that a Higher Being’s heart specifically can be separate from the rest of them.

As I said before, though, this DOES raise as many questions as it answers. If this is another piece in the puzzle of how TPK belled the cat, we’re now left wondering how he got Radiance’s heart to use as Hollow's focus to begin with.

We know he has access to the Dream Realm because that’s ultimately where he hid when Hollow’s seal failed, but who did he send to do the stealing and how did they get away with it? (TPK certainly wouldn’t have gone; his own life’s the one cost too great for him to willingly pay.) Was Radiance’s heart separate from her like the Nightmare’s Heart, or was it a part of her body? (I think the latter is more likely just from her personality; Grimm’s hidden heart makes sense because of how he keeps even his own servants at arm’s length emotionally, whereas Radiance is all heart all the time. I think this makes more sense with their equal opposites schtick too. But this would make for a WAY riskier mission.)

I can imagine all kinds of possibilities. None of them are definitive, but the thing they have in common is that they are all Awful... and how on-brand that is for Hollow Knight as a whole is, maybe, the most persuasive argument for It’s Literally Actually Her Real Physical Heart there could be.

[fencesandfrogs]

hi my name is matthew and i have some thoughts about haes

okay disclaimers: i’m a little jumpy around the subject so while i don’t feel i’m being unnecessarily harsh/unfair, if ur firm on haes w no yielding, and you don’t want to argue about it? either skip this or don’t respond. i don’t really care. but i’m putting the body under a read more.

[3k words, 10 minute read. sections headers, some text italicized for emphasis/some readibility. no images/videos, a few links.]

second disclaimer: i’m not planning on going heavy on sources. i will happily provide sources to people who want them, and i haven’t written the actual post yet but it’s unlike me not to cite anything, but doing an in depth well researched and sourced post on this type of subject is not something i’m up for right now.

like i said, i’m jumpy around this subject. and on the off chance someone decides this post is Bad and i must be banished to the Bad Blogs Bin, i’d rather not put a lot of work into it.

third disclaimer: i’m not particularly interested in reading X study that says actually no people who way 700 pounds are healthy and people who weigh less than 200 are going to die early deaths. i know that’s a straw man i needed to a) get it out of the way now and b) i just am tired all the time and don’t have a ton of itme for it. that said, if you do send one to me, i will probably read it at some point, and i may or may not provide my thoughts.

right then. moving on.

with no more waffling, my thesis is as follows: weight stigma is bad, however obesity is killing people and i really would like people to stop pretending it doesn’t.

i. really hate that that’s a controversial opinion. i mean i hold a decent number of somewhat controversial opinions, most of which i keep to myself because i’m a firm believer that what i think about something should not interfere with how other people live their lives. as a noncontroversial example, i think mormons are in a cult. children, being minors, being indoctrinated is a problem, one i myself am not dedicated to solving because i have other issues but as far as adults involved, that’s their business.

(*please note that i’m not expanding on my thoughts because this post is about haes but i do have a more complicated opinion i’m just trying to demonstrate something please don’t at me about cults i know that they’re bad and adults in them also need help getting out that’s not the point of this post & i’m anxious enough so like, please.)

anyway so. obesity. is bad. it is bad for your health. if you are obese, you are not healthy. that said, i am not going to tell you to lose weight. no one should tell you to lose weight except for your doctor and maybe your immediate family, and that should be from a place of “you are not living your best life and i care about you.” i, an internet stranger, along with pretty much everyone you know, does not get to tell you about how terrible your life is and what a horrible person you are for existing, because you are not a bad person for being overweight. you do not deserve discrimination or mistreatment. even if you’re not actively trying to lose weight. it doesn’t matter. you are a human being like any other and i will fight like hell for you.

i’m not planning on going heavy into eating disorders because a) that’s a triggering topic for me and b) it’s going to muddle the point i’m getting, but since it is a large part of the arguments re. haes, it’s certainly going to come up, so i’d like to list the officially recognized eating disorders.

Anorexia Nervosa (AN)

Bulimia Nervosa (BN)

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder (OSFED)

Pica

Rumination Disorder

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)

Unspecified Feeding or Eating Disorder (UFED)

Other (aka “we are considering making this its own category but for matthew’s purposes it fits into AFRID or UFED well enough because the details aren’t important”)

so yeah. we’ll circle back to this.

section one: haes

haes initially stood for heatlh at every size. that doesn’t really matter anymore because people say healthy at every size now, however, the distinction is important. because.

okay. when i say being obese makes you inherently unhealthy, i am not saying you are having health problems for being overweight. i am saying you have a chronic illness. i have asthma. that makes me inherently unhealthy. i don’t necessarily have an health problems because i am asthmatic, but i have a chronic illness and it certainly would, say, make me more likely to die from covid. that is a fact. saying healthy at every lung functionality would not change that.

but you know, i can still be active and like smell plants and interact in the world like anyone else. i just try to keep my inhaler near by.

so similarly, if you are overweight/obese (i’ve been saying only obese because its less letters so i’m sticking with that), you can, like, live ur best life and take care of your health. you can feel good about your body and eat good food and move and again, i really don’t want anyone reading this to feel that i think everyone who’s obese needs to lose that weight because adults can do whatever they want.

what i’m angry about is that a good thing (encouraging people to make good choices no matter what so they can feel good in their bodies) got turned into a bad thing (telling people they don’t need to change what they’re doing because they’re perfectly healthy).

section two: but what about...?

see my third disclaimer. but as a fast rundown of things i probably won’t talk about in detail later:

the obesity paradox is a specific thing about a specific type of illness in the elderly. it’s also not about obesity, it’s about being slightly overweight. it’s a complicated thing, but it’s not true most of the time

sumo wrestlers have major health problems as soon as they stop exercising like crazy.

did you know there are countries where girls are force fed to become overweight? diet culture goes both ways

if you want to say healthy at every size, you have to mean that every. that means you are not allowed to say shit about underweight people. i’m sorry, is someone you care about wasting away? are they 5′10 and weigh  90 pounds and their hair is falling out because they aren’t eating? i’m sorry, you said people are healthy at every size. you can’t make fun of skinny people. you have to suck it up because you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

section three: self care

a hypothetical that is blindingly obvious to where i’m going: if a small child wants to play with a knife, are you caring for them by giving into it? what if they want to drink some vodka? what if they want to run away from home to live with a stranger in a white van?

i really really hope all those answers are “no, you’re neglecting that child, and also possibly actively harming it.”

so my point is pretty obvious: giving yourself something because you want it does not mean you are caring for yourself.

you know what i want  to do all the time? sleep and rewatch twilight every day. but that makes me feel worse. so even though it’s terrible and i hate it, i have to take care of myself (because there is only one of me that i ever get) and go outside and talk to people and eat something that isn’t popcorn because you need protein to live.

(sorry i tried to keep nutrition out of that but i have to actively seek out sufficient salt and protein due to my campus doing a lot of low sodium food, which is bad when u actually need to eat a good amount of salt to keep ur body working, and also i’m vegetarian. so i’m constantly making myself seek it out.)

that doesn’t mean self care is always supposed to be work, but i mean. i’ve always not really gotten into it. i think because i’m hella depressed and i’ve been depressed long enough i can recognize it as this separate entity when it comes to a lot of the mental stuff. like, why do i feel like everything is meaningless? that’s just the depression.

but i digress, this isn’t about me. [proceeds to talk about me again]

one phrase i like a lot for myself is “bad food makes me feel bad.” now, i’m not a fan of putting moral judgements to food. but this works for me, personally. sure, eating a bunch of ice cream right now is good, but it’s going to suck when my stomach flips the fuck out because of all the sugar. and so it seems quite obvious to me that eating that ice cream is not, in fact, caring for my body.

and i think we’d collectively be a bit better served if we could learn to distinguish between self-care and self-kindness. ask anyone who does caregiving (childcare, nurses, etc): it is hard, often thankless (at least for children they’re devils who don’t realize that their toys will get wrecked if they don’t pick them up) work. you care for them not by doing what they want, but what is best for them.

section four: diet culture

as i’ve already played my hand up above with underweight vs haes, i think it’s kind of obvious that i have strong feelings about underweight not being healthy also. so i just want to take stock of what is and isn’t diet culture, and what i think about it. this is probably the most subjective part of this essay.

things i think are diet culture

people trying ridiculous diets. obviously diet culture in the purest sense. it’s real dumb. you need all the food groups to live. sometimes it’s okay, like cutting out sugar, but i’d say its a net negative

not trying to do lifestyle changes. that’s the sustainable way to lose weight. so. yeah.

weight cycling. actually still up for debate if this is bad. this paper says no, along with a lot of others, but i’m not sitting down and reading through all of them, and all of the ones that say its bad, to offer my opinion. i’m leaning towards “it’s better than nothing,” but we’ll see

a lot of other stuff i’m doing this off the top of my head and trying to avoid issues w eating disorders so.

things i think aren’t diet culture

women being pressured to look a certain way. that’s been going on for a long time. being skinny used to be bad. it’s a fact of the patriarchy.

most things? idk i have this impression that like, anyone exercising or eating healthy is a part of diet culture, when in reality, people just have different lifestyles. (also, again, if you’re going with haes, as in HealthyAES (hyaes?) you can’t call it unhealthy or you’re not respecting that damn E)

in conclusion: diet culture has issues, but the correct response to them is not “fuck you, i’m eating fourteen pounds of sugar.” eat fourteen pounds of sugar because you want to. (also it should be fat because if you really want to stick it to the man you should be eating fat, big sugar is responsible for a huge amount of todays dietary problems, both on the under/overweight side)

section five: discrimination

yeah no fuck people who discriminate about fat people. that’s all i’m just moving along to a transition since i was drifting away from my point about health.

section six: weight stigma

...is not responsible for your health issues. being obese is. accept the consequences of your lifestyle.

well. okay. that’s a little unfair. accept the consequences of not treating your chronic illness. and i feel i’ve probably lost people for calling obesity an illness but that’s the whole point of my post.

just like carrying externally heavy objects hurts your joints, so does carrying a lot of weight inside. fat does not cushion your organs, it kills them. getting rid of weight stigma will not make these issues go away.

the treatment for obesity is eating the number of calories you need to sustain a healthy weight at your current exercise levels. (*please consult with your doctor this is more complicated when you have to lose a lot of weight.)

section seven: cico. or, why your metabolism is fine

your body does not break the laws of thermodynamics. it cannot magically create more energy out of a given amount of calories.

there are issues with calorie counting, yes. i think it’s usually done in an unsustainable way that isn’t teaching people to make decisions, just to do math. it can be hard to get an accurate count.

but you are not a miracle of science. you have not discovered how to create and destroy energy. i’m sorry to be the one to break if to you.

if you don’t believe me, if you’re really sure your metabolism is different, go on and get it tested. tell your doctors. because it’s a major problem if it’s not working right.

similarly, i’m sorry, but if someone is the same height as you and a (very, like, +- 50 pounds) different weight, and neither of you have exisitng health conditions, you are not eating the same things/doing the same exercise. you have not broken the laws of physics.

possibly, one of you have untreated celiacs or something of the ilk meaning your body is actually malfunctioning. but if that’s true, i excluded you already, so shoo. get out of here and play in the sun with the other kids.

if you don’t believe this, there’s not much i can do to convince you. but i encourage you to count your calories for a month. find some tdee calculators. weigh yourself. make sure you count everything, it all goes down. check the math. (you can do any amount of time but a month is what you need for weight to be meaningful imo otherwise you’re just proving weight fluctuates a lot).

section eight: cico. or, why counting calories is not disordered eating

it can sure be a symptom of disordered eating, and it can certainly make disordered eating worse, but it isn’t an eating disorder.

also, assuming you’re not trying to verify the laws of thermodynamics, i don’t think counting every calorie is necessary. i have approximate values (500/meal, and around 300 in snacks), which i try not to go over or under.

yeah. i actually use calorie counting to make sure i’m eating enough in one sitting. some of my medication screws with my apetite and then i only eat like 300 calories and suddenly its like 11 and i need to go to bed but i’m hungry but eating before bed makes me feel terrible and it sucks.

but hey, according to some people, avoiding that is unhealthy.

okay i’m moving on before i get salty because the next section is touchy

section nine: eating disorders.

the three main eating disorders are listed way up there. they’re the first three. AN, BN, BED.

oh, yeah, binge eating? that’s actually disordered eating too. it’s not normal.

i’m not going to elaborate on the point because i absolutely know i can’t do it without getting really fucking angry that people call calorie counting disordered eating, like i haven’t watched a fifth grader eat one meal a day because she’s scared she’s overweight. like i haven’t watched a sixth grader cram food into his mouth until he’s sick because he’s worried he’s not bulky enough for sports. like i haven’t watched an eleventh grader tell me he hasn’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday, but it’s fine, he doesn’t want his mac and cheese anyway, since he needs to lose weight.

you think someone keeping track of some numbers is an eating disorder? then either you’re lucky enough to never have to deal with eating disorders on a personal level, and i’m very happy for you, or you have, and you should maybe reevaluate that.

alright i’m cutting myself off now whoop.

section ten: intuitive eating

you know, much like haes, i want to like this. it fits in with my bad-food-makes-me-feel-bad mentality. i’m angry and tired and hungry because i ate like, a late breakfast/early lunch and now i need to eat again because if i don’t eat every six to eight hours i have a medical condition that makes me feel like shit (an aside: unless you’ve been told by a doctor, you don’t need to eat every 2-3 hours. unless you’re a child or have an applicable medical condition, you can probably eat one meal a day and be firne.)

but much like haes, it now has a meaning i can’t in good consience endorse. i can’t stand for a movement that tells people who acknowledge weight makes their joints hurt that they just need to keep eating until they feel better.

section eleven: conclusion

i have a lot more thoughts but again i’m hungry. i meant to talk more about IE and my problems with it but maybe that will be its own post.

i won’t say i’m happy to talk about this because i can’t promise i am (see: eating disorder issues.), but i will most likely respond to constructive discussion if someone sees this and wants to. i can also provide sources. i hate going, “sources available on request” but i tried to provide some stuff for some of the heavily disputed/i already had a source for it and didn’t have to dig through google scholar to find information that’s been peer reviewed.

and i do sincerely wish everyone, at any size, that they fracture the disconnect between them and their bodies (oop didn’t talk about that either another time then) & that they find peace with who they are, and that they get to live happy & fulfilling lives.

[miyaniacs]

Distance

a/n: hey there, felt like writing a lil angst again, it’s not too bad though :) again, tell me if you want a second part and if you want to get tagged (comment or sent an ask) ALSO not  Tumblr deleting my post right after posting so here you go again.

masterlist

characters: Oikawa Tooru x fem!reader  (but I try to keep it as gn as possible and avoid using female pronouns/ characteristics)

format: angst oneshot

warnings: angst, mentions of cheating

It’s so hard to look at your phone right now.

On screen you see the beautiful face of your boyfriend. His soft brown hair into his face, his eyes are closed, his mouth slightly open. He is shirtless and thanks to the light of his own phone you can make out parts of his toned arms.

But why is it hard to look at such a beautiful few?

Well, the fact that he lives across the world.

You just woke up and he just fall asleep.

Your fingers ghost over your screen, over the picture of his soft skin. How badly you wish to be with him right now, to be in his arms, to caress his cheek, to play with his hair, to feel his lips on yours again.

You mumble a soft “I love you.”, and end the call.

You missed him so badly, your heat arches every time you see him on your screen.

Forcing yourself out of the bed, you get dressed, putting on the beautiful necklace Oikawa gifted you on your first year anniversary and put your hair in a bun. Putting your laptop and Keyes you leave your home, heading to a small cafe, in hopes to finally start your essay.

Three pages later, someone sits down in front of you.

Looking up, you see Luca  one of your classmates.

“Hey Y/N.“  He smiles brightly and places a new cup of coffee next to you laptop, “For you, I thought you need it.“ He smiles even more now. With a smile you thank him and take a sip of the coffee.

“Did you already finished the essay?“ You ask with a sigh looking at your document.

“Finished it last night.“ He laughs and adds: “Do you need some help?“ Thankfully you accept his offer.

A few coffees later, you finally click “Sent“ on your email browser and close the laptop.

“Thank you so much!“ You look up at him, your head resting on your closed laptop.

You never really looked at him. His skin is tanned, dark brown hair, which he is right now pushing backwards. His eyes are a beautiful golden color, dark long lashes, making them even more prominent. From the perspective you got, you can clearly see the muscles flex under his shirt, as he pushes his hair back, his prominent jawline perfectly displayed as he slightly tilts his head to the side. His full lips turn into a smile as he waves his hand in front of your face.

“Hey? Y/n? I was asking something.“ He laughs and you snap out of your thoughts. “Sorry..“ You mumble embarrassed.

“It’s fine, I was just asking if you want to grab something for dinner?“ He repeats and lightly scratches his neck.

“Yes sure!“ You smile and start packing your stuff. On your way out, your phone vibrates.

Looking at it, you smile seeing it was a video call from your boyfriend. Quick you throw your back over your shoulder and tell Luca that you have to get this call real quick.

“Hey sleeping beautyyy.“ You tease as soon as you see Oikawas face.

“Hey, I need to keep up with your beauty.“ He winks and you blush. Luca walking next to you chuckles. “Oh, are you busy love?“ Oikawa asks.

“No, I just finished my essay thanks to Luca, and we’re about to get something to eat now.“ You smile and move your phone, so Oikawa was able to see the male, walking next to you. Frowning his brows, he looks at the phone. “Ahhh, I’m glad you finally finished it.“ He forces a smile, “Love, I’m sorry but I have to hang up now, practice starts earlier today.“ He lies and after saying your goodbyes he immediately puts the phone away.

He really doesn’t want to be jealous, he knew he can trust you, but seeing some random guy, doing what he is supposed to do? Helping you with your essays, taking you out to dinner … he’s supposed to be that person. Opening the calendar app, he checks his schedule.

“Perfect“ he  mumbles and opens google.

4 weeks later

The past weeks, yours and Oikawas Video chats got shorter and shorter, sometimes you even declined his call. You felt bad for it yes, but it was finals week and you spent all nighters all the time, together with Luca. The two of you got along really well and started spending more and more time together, growing pretty close.

He was always nice and helpful, not even complaining when you fell asleep on him while studying.

Today was the day of your last test, putting on one of the random hoodies, laying in your room, you hurry to your University, trying to call Oikawa, hoping to get some encouraging words from him, yet he didn’t pick up. “He probably is already asleep.“ You think and continue walking.

Still sad form not hearing your boyfriends voice that morning, you see Luca standing at the entrance of the University.

“Hey -  wait Y/n? What’s wrong? You just have to pass this test, we don’t get any grades, don’t ne too nervous.“ He says trying to cheer you up.

“No… I’m not nervous, I’m just sad, my boyfriend didn’t pick up today.“ You sigh. Putting an arm around your shoulders, he responds: “Well, it’s his loss, not seeing your beautiful face before he sleeps.“  It was normal for him to say things like that. He knew you had a boyfriend and you just assumed, he’s just naturally flirty, just like you and well… Oikawa.

“I just try calling him later that day..“ You sigh and together you two enter your classroom, ready to end this hell of a week.

A few hours later

“FREEDOM!“ You laugh at Luca, while you two walk down the hallways of your University.

“Ayyy, there’s your beautiful smile again.“ He teases and pokes your nose. „I just miss him, that’s all.“ You sigh. Luca remains silent and continues walking. Just as you two walk out of the building, Luca a few steps ahead, he stops  and spins around, standing right in front of you, grabbing your hands. You look up into his golden eyes, which seem to be glowing in the sunlight, but it wasn’t only the sunlight, there was a certain passion lighting them up.

“Luca? What are you doing?“ You ask confused.

“Y/n… I’m so sick to always see you sad. Shouldn’t he make more time for you? And pick up your calls? And come to visit you? Y/n… be honest with yourself, you aren’t made for a long distance relationship. You need physical contact, you need someone to hold you, to make you feel save, to make you feel wanted.“ He says and looks directly into your eyes.

You being to shiver under is gaze and feel tears well up.

Was it because what he said directly hit that weal point of yours? Triggering all the emotions you tried to ignore? Or was it the stress from the past weeks? It doesn’t matter now, you have to admit that he was right. The past months you always put on a mask. A mask to cover up the sadness that started spreading in your soul.

You loved Oikawa to death, yet there was this small dark part inside of your head asking if all of this was worth it. Was it worth staying up all those nights, just to talk to him and then fall asleep in class during the day? Sure he always said that you shouldn’t neglect your education for him, but you had to. You had to hear his voice, to see his face, to hear him say that he loves you. Especially when all you see over social media, was girls, even models, hitting on him, telling he’s their crush in interviews, seeing all those ships with him and certain models. Well especially one certain model. She was on the cover of the magazine of some famous brand and yes you stopped shopping there because you couldn’t see her face anymore. You knew you can trust him. It was him, bringing up this topic, telling you about his fears that at one point all those lies on the internet would get into your head. You promised it wouldn’t, yet here you are. In all honesty, you just needed to feel his touch again. It was easier to shut off those thoughts when they were occupied by his soft fingers caressing you. Deep down you knew Luca was right, you knew that this long distance relationship was fucking up your metal state, but it’s only until you finished University, you planned to move to Argentina so you’d be together again, or well he comes back to Japan.

Even from across the world, he was so loving and sweet. Waking up to a good morning text or his video call was a given at this point. Receiving random presents from him that suddenly appeared in your mail, receiving a bouquet of flowers, whenever he felt that you needed something to cheer you up. Sending you hand written love letters, that always made you tear up and which you kept in a box under your bed. He really did everything he could, being a perfect boyfriend. Your perfect boyfriend.

“Y/n… you can’t lie to me, I saw how you craved my touch.“ He underlines his words by softly running his fingers over your cheek, cupping your face, moving his tumb up and down, wiping away the small tears running down your face.

You feel exposed. You did enjoy the physical affection he gave you. His arm around you, leaning into his strong broad chest, having his fingers comb through your hair, his hugs, falling asleep and waking up in his arms… you really craved that. But you never craved that from him, you always wished it was Tooru, or did you?

You aren’t sure anymore. A few days ago, you had a dream, you were on a date with your boyfriend, Oikawa, but then he shifted into Luca and you can still feel your heart getting warmer when it shifted to him.

“Y/n… let me hep you erase the pain…“ he whispers and moves closer and closer to you until his lips touch yours.

It was a strange feeling.

His lips are smooth and soft, moving perfectly against yours.

He is gentle and careful, yet you can feel all the passion, he’s holding back at the moment, just waiting for you to fully accept the kiss.

The dark sadness inside of you begs to kiss back, to feel loved again, to feel wanted and desired.

But then there’s this sting inside your hear.

And the more seconds pass, the worse it gets.

This is wrong, you don’t want this.

You don’t want him.

You push Luca way and open your eyes.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see a male with soft brown hair, walking away from the University.  

“Luca stop! You know that I love Oikawa! Stop taking advantage of me being vulnerable, I thought we’re friends…“ you scream whisper, tears full of ager and regret run down your cheeks now.

“But does he still love you?“ He asks smugly.

Looking at him, you you shake your head, why should he say that, there is no way Tooru would not love you anymore.

Puffing up your chest, you push him away again and start walking back home.

That night you tried calling Oikawa again, but he didn’t pick up.

Neither did he answer to any of your messages.

He still loves you.

He does.

Right?

tags: @writingfreakk​​ @volley-simp​​ ( I know you like him too soooo enjoy the tag lol) @saucysamu​​  @shoyosun​​ ( just because you knew of me writing this lol) @kenmasgameboy​​ ( so you can read some soft angst while being sober lol)

[pokemon-ninjago-world]

Headcanon/Pokéninjago version of Lloyd’s identity crisis during season 5 of Ninjago

Got ab 12 likes on the announcement post so here we are: This is an essay-sorta-thing about something I thought and wrote some six years ago. It’s been so long since I wrote this I feel cringy reading it, but it’s tenable in Pokéninjago lore. It’s kind of a mix between my headcanon for the show, and canon of my AU, which is why there is mentions of “evolving” and Pokémon types.

Things to take into account:

Idk if there should be content warnings, but depression mention at least. Otherwise, this is pretty much as intense as season 5 went, just a little more angsty I suppose.

I must say that my version of Lloyd and his identity crisis were inspired by a certain artist’s version of him and by a comic they made about the Child’s Play episode’s aftermath. I don’t dare name the artist, since they don’t wish to be linked with the Ninjago fandom anymore, but some of you might know who I’m referring to. 

I do not know how psychology stuff actually works, all of this was made on grounds of a couple of high school psychology courses and a lot of imagination `:D

I wrote this originally in Finnish and let Word translate it, so this might be v clumsy at points.

Most of the text is under the cut!

                                                  ~***~

When Lloyd was just a small cub, closer to three years, his mother had left him in his father's care. Misako knew the boy would become the Green Ninja and Garmadon would become the Dark Lord. That is why she went looking for any ancient knowledge to avoid the final confrontation. Although her heart was torn since she had to leave her loved ones, she knew that she couldn’t just sit on her hands, and that perhaps she was the only one that could prevent the decisive battle between good and evil. It was also her wish that the father and the son could spend as much time together as possible. Thus, Lloyd's earliest childhood memories are about his father, and his recollections of his mother are blurry, obscure, and fading away as he grows up, or mixing with other memories.

            Dad meant everything to little Lloyd. Although they lived in the same monastery with Lloyd’s uncle as well, whom he also liked, his own father was still the greatest. Garmadon also loved his child deeply and wanted him to have a happy life. Although the poison in his veins was starting to get a hold of him and he was increasingly drawn to the Golden Weapons, his love for Lloyd and the desire to be with him in anticipation of Misako's return kept him away from them for much longer than if the boy had never existed.

                    When Lloyd "evolved," he lost some important years of his life, during which a youngster usually developes a picture of himself and his changing body. Lloyd's body changed in a single moment and even though his mind also changed to some degree, it was still mostly on the same level as before, since artificial aging did not bring him the years of experience that growing up normally would. From that moment on, he had to form himself a new image of himself. Frankly, he was facing a fierce identity crisis.

                     After the episode Child's Play, Lloyd adopted an identity whose foundation was flimsy and unstable. It consisted of a few simple pillars that supported his image of himself. Some emotions, thoughts, and memories that he could not, wasn’t able to or didn’t dare to deal with, secretly and slowly gnawed at those pillars like erosion. They grew into doubt that settled into the cracks like rockfoil.

                     That flimsy foundation for his self-image, consisted of these elements: I am the Green Ninja. I'm the strongest ninja of all. I’m the son of  sensei Garmadon. I’m the grandson of The First Spinjitzu Master. I'm one of the Elemental Masters. I'm a student of Sensei Wu. I'm one of the five elemental ninjas. It's my destiny to protect the world from evil.

                     This made it easy for Morro to destabilize and crush Lloyd’s self-esteem. Morro proved himself to be stronger and more independent than Lloyd, and that he could win him over and over again, no matter how hard Lloyd tried to fight back. Lloyd felt weak and desperate. Two pillars of his self-image collapsed to the ground and the masked emotions and doubts that chipped away at the other columns began to grow and intensify: He was not the strongest ninja and was therefore unable to protect the world from this evil.

                     This also affected his view of him as the Green Ninja. Although logically he still was just that – the Golden Weapons and his powers had proven it – he could not help but think that maybe Morro really was supposed to be the Chosen One. His identity was cracking, which ate away at his strength and self-esteem. Being a Psychic Type, his greatest strength resided in his psyche, and whenever his mind was in an unstable and vulnerable state, he couldn’t do his best, even if he had used everything he had learned. Losing his father fairly recently had already struck a dangerous notch in his mental stability.

                     Even though Lloyd was still his father's son, it didn't feel the same when he was no longer with him. Finally, he was only driven forward by his relationship with his other loved ones. He had to do everything he could to stop Morro from harming his friends. By protecting them he was also protecting the last intact remnants of his Self.

                     Lloyd did everything he could to resist Morro's possession. From time to time a memory of his friends and the will to keep them safe increased his "self-control," weakening the ghost's hold on him. However, a long, grueling time in constant motion, without water and nourishment, poisoned by a cold, vindictive spirit, steadily filled his mind with anguish and despair. Doubts penetrated deep into the tears of his self-image, breaking everything old until he no longer knew who he was. Only with the last bits of his mental strength could he interfere with Morro's possession so that he failed to clear the other ninjas out of his way.

                     Then, when Morro broke away from Lloyd's body, the Espeon felt like nothing more than an empty, broken shell floating aimlessly in the dark, beachless sea. He was unable to live up to any of the expectations and goals that had been set for him. Now, he was used as a trade-in item in the market of the world’s destiny. He longer had the strength or power to save even his best friends. He was as helpless as a newborn pup and all he could do was to stand by and apologize when he was traded for Realm Crystal.

                      Somewhere from his past, he dug up one last spark of strength. Already as a child, he had been left alone with unfriendly people, who then had ignited that stubborn flame in him: the desire to fight the cruel, unjust and repressive world. His body still had more strength than his mind, and this momentary burst of grit made him kick the Crystal out of Morro's hand. This, however, caused him to end up in the freezing stream, all his energy used up. There was not much left but a primitive desire to survive and a little strength to keep his head afloat before the cold numbed his muscles.

                     Lloyd's mind was in shambles. Images, memories, shattered fragments of his adopted identity… they all churned in his tired, blurred consciousness. Unintentionally, he began to go through the feelings of uncertainty, fear and inadequacy that he had denied from himself for years. The present seemed more surreal than the memories. He relived moments that had had a revolutionary impact on his life: When the golden weapons pointed him out as a Green Ninja; when he grew up under the influence of Tomorrow's Tea; when he met his mother and became to know her; when he unleashed the Golden Dragon in the Temple of Light; how he fought the Overlord who was possessing his father; how he harnessed his True Potential; got his father back; lost Zane; reunited his friends again and felt great togetherness with the other Elemental Masters. When he lost his father again. And when Morro possessed him.

                     Lloyd was lost. If it wasn’t for his friends and their care, he would have sunk deep into depression (and, on the other hand, drowned or, at the very least, died of hypothermia). When Kai carried him out of the FSM’s tomb, it triggered a very clear memory of the day when the Master of Fire had fulfilled his potential and Lloyd had been identified as the Chosen One. That day, Kai had come to save him from an erupting volcano and carried him to safety. Now, Lloyd felt like he was that little scared cub again, who had for a moment thought he was going to burn to the ground in the boiling lava of the volcano. He remembered how Kai's closeness had brought a feeling of immediate security around him. Even though the mountain had raged and wanted to kill them both, Lloyd had known he didn’t have to be afraid. Kai was there. He'd protect Lloyd. There was no reason to fight the fear anymore, he didn't have to pretend like he was tough. He was carried by someone older and stronger, whom to rely on.

                     The feeling was so intense, the memory so vivid that Lloyd was overwhelmed by an inexplicable, immense grief. The sadness of being forced to give up a carefree childhood so early on, to take on an enormous responsibility and assume a role that seemed too demanding for such a small boy to perform. He had had to grow up way too soon. He started shaking from holding back the tears. He didn’t mind since he thought Kai was probably assuming that he was shivering from the cold. But when Kai said quietly and understandingly: "Shh... It's okay... Don't worry about it," the last wall of pride and fear fell, and Lloyd could no longer repress his weeping.

                     At this point, he slowly began to build a new identity on the ruins of the wrecked one. He understood that even though he was the Green Ninja, it didn’t make him greater or more important than the others. He had more magical power than anyone else, but he was still only a person just like them. He could hesitate, too, and fail. There was no way for him to do anything more than what he was capable of, mentally, physically, and skill-wise. That’s all there was to offer, and if it wasn't enough, there were others whom he could rely on. Others, who would catch him when he ran out of strength. He wasn't the last link to hold the whole structure together.

                     These ideas developed slowly in Lloyd's exhausted mind. Slowly, he got stitched back up from the fragments of his previous self-image. This time, however, his new identity was not something that was given to him from the outside, in which he would have had to fit himself, but it was a solid, authentic self-image created as a result of self-reflection. It was still obscure, uncertain and seeking its form, and its growth was overshadowed by fear. But the conversation with his father drove away that last fear. The fear that Morro was supposed to be the Green Ninja instead of Lloyd. His father assured that Lloyd’s qi had no influence on how he should live and act. He should live the way his heart told him to.

                     In the end, although Morro managed to beat Lloyd one last time, this time he did not break down. He was more intact now, he had more inner strength, and he knew for sure he wouldn't be abandoned. That the fate of the world wasn't really up to him. He may have been part of the story, but after all, he wasn't the protagonist, at least not the only one of them.

[heloflor]

Rogue arc : An analysis of “Abducting Murphy’s law” ’s B plot

So, as I mentioned in one of my fics, I wanted to write a long ass thing about Cavendish’s arc in season 2. Well, here’s part one!

While I said that I wanted to talk about the arc, to be honest I mostly had this episode in mind. “Abducting Murphy’s Law” is not my favorite episode but it does have my favorite B plot (by B plot I mean Cavendish and Dakota). The reason why I love this plot so much is because there’s tons of stuff to talk about, hence this post. So yeah, when I said I wanted to talk about Cavendish’s arc, what I mostly meant was that I wanted to infodump about this episode. Although, I did make a second post about how the reconciliation didn’t feel earned, along with some comments about the arc in general, including how Dakota definitely has some dependance issues but, instead of addressing it, the show tends to validate his fears. I’ll make sure to post both parts around the same time so that, if anybody wants to add or talk about it, they already have all my arguments.

This first half will be in four parts : a short explanation of which scenes I will talk about, one small side note about Bob Block being the least trustable character in this show, one pretty long part about how Dakota is throughout the episode and finally another long part about Cavendish and his evolution during the episode. And yeah, I know I could’ve made the Bob Block part into its own post but for some reason my brain really wants to put it in this post so…

And because I don’t want people to scroll through such a long text to read a tl;dr , here it is now :

tl;dr : - Bob Block is an untrustworthy condescending creep.

- Dakota plays moral support and does seem to believe Cavendish but is mostly worried about what Cavendish is trying to do and is gently trying to get him to give up while trying to stay on his side, as if something like that happened before.

- Cavendish is desperate to prove himself and the world that he’s someone, so when nobody takes him seriously or believe him, he’s willing to take matter into his own hands to prove them wrong.

 As for the full post (warning : it’s VERY long) :

So first off, I will talk about four scenes here : the scene on the parking lot, the three scenes at P.I.G. (warning Block, the computer room and the argument in the armory) and the scene with Cavendish leaving. So basically, every scene with the duo except for the dialogue between Dakota and Heinz, mostly because there isn’t really anything interesting to say about this scene, except maybe the fact that Dakota drowns his sorrows in food but that was pretty much expected given his personality and the fact that he literally says in “Missing Milo” that he eats when he’s stressed. Also, leave it to Doofenshmirtz to be vague about why Milo was missing, making it impossible for Dakota to know that there truly was an abduction; just like how in “The Last Day of Summer” in PnF, when he asks Candace if she saw his nemesis, he conveniently doesn’t describe Perry to her.

As for the small part about Bob Block : I don’t trust that guy in the slightest. Firstly, like basically everyone who watched the show already said, this guy gives off a very creepy vibe that makes him scream “villain”. And his design with his teeth + the voice actor’s former roles doesn’t help. Also, I recently re-watched the B plot of “Milo’s Shadow” and Cavendish calls P.I.G. a “clandestine government agency”, and I’m a bit curious about the “clandestine” part.

Secondly, I’ve seen a few people say that Block was hiding something darker because he was “too nice to be a good person” but like…he isn’t nice ??? Not in the slightest ??? Haven’t you heard him talk to Cavendish and Dakota in episodes like “Disco Do-Over”, “Lady Krillers” or “Field of Screams” ? He’s extremely condescending to them. Seriously, he talks to them like they were toddlers. Like, you know that “baby voice” you take to make kids feel excited about something ? He uses the exact same kind of voice with Cav and Vinnie. And the fact that he speaks slowly or him killing aliens while telling Cav that he’s doing the important job doesn’t help with the condescending aspect.

Another thing that I noticed about him is that he tends to be in control of every discussion he’s a part of. In particular, he has a tendency to cut off Dakota when the two are talking. I don’t know why Dakota specifically but in my rewatchs I didn’t notice him do the same with Cavendish. And since we’re on the topic of him being condescending and cutting off : first, in “Walker, Runner, Screamer”, he hangs up on Cavendish without listening to him and secondly and most importantly, in “Parks and Wreck”, not only does he cut Dakota again but he also goes from “I’m 100% listening to what you want to tell me” to “Sorry I’m too busy” in like 5 seconds. Bob Block doesn’t care about them. He isn’t being nice. He’s a condescending ass who borderline gaslight them by pretending to be nice.

Another thing that I’d like to discuss about him is the fact that I’m seriously doubting that he’s related to Mr. Block, which is not reassuring because it would mean that he somehow learned about time travel and time agents etc. But yeah, about the relation with Block : Thing is, Mr. Block is at the head of B.O.T.T. and one of the judges of whatever their court system is. So in other words, he knows about the rules better than anyone. And while he does seem a bit immature at times and in canon went back in time to watch a movie he missed, I don’t feel like going back to meet his ancestors is something he’ll do ? I mean, we know that “don’t cross your own timeline” is a pretty big rule for time agents, and in “A Christmas Peril”, Block seems genuinely surprised to see his future self, which makes me think that he doesn’t do this kind of time-travel much. Also, if he’s willing to go back in time to meet his ancestors, why doesn’t he go back to buy pistachios ? So yeah, I know this is all speculation and for all I know he could have gone back in the past but there’s just something about his character and the situation that makes me go “would he tho ?”.

Also, while I completely agree that it can be possible, I’m a bit surprised about the fact that the family managed to keep the same last name for over 120 years. Like, did every generation had sons ? I know it’s entirely possible but would it happen here ? Or were there daughters who kept their last name after getting married ? Did Block really go back in time to meet his ancestors, leading to them wishing to keep the last name ? As for the physical appearance, aside from the hair, they don’t really have anything in common but it’s expected given the number of years between the two.

One last thing about Bob Block : In “Abducting Murphy’s Law” (you know, the episode that’s supposed to be the main focus of this post), there’s that moment with the character “Toodles” and I genuinely wished I had something to say about this moment, especially with the “I need to look like I’m going somewhere” line but I have no idea how to interpret it (and it’s frustrating honestly). So yeah, this line is here and it’s weird but I don’t know what to do about it.

  Now, onto the actual episode (this will be cut in different parts to make it easier on the read, especially for those who wish to read it but can’t take it all at once. So yes, this post is literally an actual essay) :

I. Dakota’s side

1. Emotional support

So in the first two scenes, Dakota does what he always does. I’ve mentioned it in this long-ass post but when Cavendish gets frustrated or angry, Dakota has a tendency to act more laid-back and chill as a counterpoint. I think a good example of that is at the end of “Walker, Runner, Screamer”.

During the entire episode, Dakota looks annoyed or unhappy and yet, in that scene, he’s suddenly smiling. And it’s something that he does throughout the entire show, as if it was his way of “soothing” Cav. And in “Abducting Murphy’s Law”, that’s what he does at first. If you notice, when Cavendish gets angry after Block’s call and throw that metallic pick-up thing on the ground, Dakota closes his eyes for a good second. And when he reopens them, he starts talking about his lunch, going back into his laid-back role as if to try calming Cav down. This is also what he does after his rant a few seconds later, when he immediately offers food to Cavendish after said rant.

And speaking of that rant, I have a few things to say about it. First off, I do believe that Cavendish needed to hear that. Yes, it hurt his feelings, but given what happens during the rest of the episode, it does feel like Cavendish needs a reality check. Also reminder that this is the man who spent years dying ever so often; and on the island, some Dakotas look older than the one we follow in the show. So you’d think that after knowing about all these deaths, he’ll try to be at least a bit more careful. So yeah, while Dakota could’ve phrased things differently, I feel like this is something Cavendish needed to hear at some point.

Secondly, I can understand why Dakota would rant like that. Ever since the beginning of season 2, Cavendish has been complaining about his new job, ever more than the pistachios mission (for which Dakota also didn’t seem really satisfied, given how he easily follows through with Cavendish in “Time Out” and how he complains at the beginning of “Perchance to Sleepwalk”.). And when Cavendish complains, there are a few times like in “Disco Do-Over” or “Walker, Runner, Screamer” in which Dakota doesn’t seem to be very happy having to deal with Cavendish’s mood. Also, keep in mind that we see the duo like every three episodes and that just because they aren’t on screen doesn’t mean that they aren’t working. So for at least a month, given how each “show season” takes place during an “earth season” (if that makes sense), Dakota had to deal with working a shit job with someone who’s constantly complaining about it.

I’d also like to point out that, in “Backwards to School Night”, the line about Dakota not wearing much on Sundays and Cavendish not knowing about it hints that they don’t live together in the future. So that “constant roommates” situation could be new to them; and given how little they probably earn, it’s understandable that they’d rather keep this small “apartment” and share rent rather than splitting to go live in a different place each. In other words, Dakota doesn’t really have much choice but to live with Cavendish and hear him talk about saving the world everyday. Given all that, I’m honestly not that surprised that Dakota ended up snapping and giving Cav a piece of his mind. His patience was bound to run out at one point.

Side note : I’m not saying that Dakota is an easy person to live with compared to Cavendish. Honestly, they probably argued about money at some point due to Dakota’s eating habits and the fact that neither of them seems to know how to cook, so they have to eat out every day. I’m just saying that Cavendish is seen always complaining about his job and Dakota most likely hears him complain much more than we do. And no matter how much you like someone, hearing them say the same things over and over again get tiring. And besides, the argument could work in the opposite direction too. Maybe Cav is tired of Dakota never taking everything seriously; but much like Dakota, he can’t just buy his own place and live alone easily.

 Thirdly, I’d like to comment on this face :

Two things to say about this face. First, the most obvious, he’s sad for Cavendish. If the whole “being chill when Cav is angry” is any indicator, Dakota doesn’t like seeing Cavendish be sad or miserable. Besides, this guy didn’t spend years saving Cavendish and trying to always be by his side just to destroy his self-esteem later on.

Secondly, I can’t help but feel like Dakota is also thinking of his own emotions here. As said before, Dakota isn’t very happy with his new job either, as we clearly see in “Walker, Runner, Screamer” (I swear mentioning this episode is turning into a drinking game). While he’s still cheerful from time to time, he went from having a lazy smile as a resting face in season 1 to having a more neutral or tired expression.

But at the same time, Dakota doesn’t really express his frustrations, most likely because Cavendish is much more vocal than him and he’d rather help Cavendish with his emotions than work on his own, like a “you have enough frustration for the both of us” kind of way. After all, we see in season 1 that he tends to shut down and keep to himself, which led to all his frustration in the argument of “A Christmas Peril”, since he wasn’t able to tell Cav why his lack of consideration was making him so angry, especially when Cavendish calls him selfish.

So here, it feels like Dakota isn’t just feeling shitty because Cavendish feels shitty but he’s also dropping his mask and showing more of his emotions, here the fact that he isn’t happy about his current life either. But unlike Cavendish, he’s able to go with the flow and find some contentment in the smaller things.

 Now, about the scene at P.I.G.’s office : For the “support” part, there isn’t that much to say. When Block turns Cavendish down and the guy starts feeling bad, Dakota goes back to his supporting role. In a way, he’s acting like in season 1. Except that this isn’t season 1 and he can’t time-travel anymore. So when Cav starts talking about breaking the rules and risking their jobs, Dakota immediately considers his words a mistake and try to stop Cavendish from thinking too much about it.

  2. Opposition

So I’m going to cover a part of the last two scenes at P.I.G. . First off, the scene in the computer room. At the beginning, Dakota seems still pretty encouraging with how he reminds Cavendish of what he said about what the ship looks like. But quickly, he starts to make Cavendish doubt himself.

What’s really interesting though is Dakota’s phrasing. When he starts talking to Cav, he says “Maaayybe I suppose but are you really sure you saw what you saw ? I mean…” and then goes on with the reasons why Cavendish might have imagined it. But about that quote, what I find interesting is the amount of incertitude he puts there with the “maybe”, “I suppose”, “are you sure”. It really feels like Dakota is trying to discourage Cavendish from looking for the ship while at the same time trying to stay on his good side by doubting him but not too much. This actually makes me wonder if such a situation happened before, hence why Dakota tries to stay on Cav’s good side.

Side note : “This isn’t my running tracksuit, this is my eating tracksuit!”, he says as if his tracksuits weren’t all eating tracksuits.

 Then there’s the scene in the armory. First off, this face :

He keeps that same expression throughout the entire moment, both when watching Cavendish and the guard, and I don’t know how to interpret it, which is frustrating. My best guess is that Cavendish seems in better spirits, which reassures him or something like that. Or maybe the fact that Cavendish still wants to hang out with him to try finding the ship makes him think that Cavendish won’t ghost him. Really, I don’t see why he would smile like that only to start being frustrated again ten seconds later.

As for the argument in the armory; here I’m not going to talk about the main parts of the argument but a few things that Dakota says. Firstly, he again seems to try being on Cavendish’s good side with him saying “I believe that you believe”, though this isn’t enough to convince Cavendish. He also says “maybe we shouldn’t touch those” (not a direct quote) instead of just saying “we can’t touch those” or something like that. So again, he’s more into the “maybe you’re right maybe you’re wrong” area of the argument.

Secondly, I find the line “We’re stuck here. We live here now” really interesting. Like for at the beginning of the episode, this seems like Dakota showing more of his feelings. The way he says “we’re stuck here” first before catching himself and saying “we live here” shows again that he’s not happy with his current situation. Heck, it also means that he’s not just unhappy about the job but also being forced to live in a different time period than his, given that he says “stuck”. So yeah, he’s not happy about the situation and tries to hide it to make Balth his priority.

 Thirdly, there’s this expression when he leaves the room and tries to follow Cavendish :

(He looks like a kicked puppy I’m-)

So, when Cavendish leaves the room, he leaves behind an angry Dakota. And yet, barely a few seconds later, we see Dakota trying to follow Cav and his expression is filled with worry. This again makes me think that such a situation happened before, which would be why Dakota is so worried about not being at Cavendish’s side. Like, maybe at some point they had a mission that resulted in a terrible argument and Cavendish ended up trying to solve things alone, only to get injured or even die or something like that. And if something like that happened, that could explain why Dakota is now trying to convince Cavendish to stop looking for the ship without putting Cavendish against him and why he would look so worried when he realizes that he’s losing the battle; especially given how he can’t time-travel now. But again, this is all a complete speculation here. We have no concrete proof that such a thing happened before.

And since we’re on the topic of Dakota trying to be gentle in his approach : I’d argue that Dakota actually believes Cavendish when he says that he saw a ship. This is due to four reasons :

- They’ve been time-travelers for a while and probably saw a lot (just the “milk to death line”. Whatever this is, Dakota saw some shit.); the same way they met aliens a few episodes before this one. So seeing a spaceship wouldn’t be the most surprising thing in the world (Heck, P.I.G. literally has a computer showing all kind of ships they discovered; also the duo once went on the moon given the montage in “Island of the Lost Dakotas”).

- When they’re talking to Bob Block, the boss asks Dakota if he saw the abduction, and while Dakota says no, he starts saying “But if he says he saw it” before getting interrupted by Block.

- In the armory, when Dakota says “I didn’t saw what you saw but I believe that you believe and that’s” before getting interrupted. This line kind of gives off the impression that he does believe in Cavendish and so believe that Cav saw a ship. Though the “I believe that you believe” can definitely be seen as him not really believing him, just like with Cavendish saying “it’s like saying ‘I believe you’re hallucinating’ “

- In the scene when Cavendish leaves, Dakota says “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you in the way that you wanted me to.”. The fact that he adds the “in the way that you wanted me to” again gives the impression that he does think that Cavendish saw a spaceship. It’s just that Cav expects more than just a “I believe that you saw it”.

So overall, there’s the possibility that Dakota does believe in Cavendish. Honestly, the only thing that seems odd is the fact that Dakota doesn’t want to go and try to save the abductee. Though, given the fact that they’re risking their jobs and given the possibility of such a situation happening before, paired with Dakota’s fears for Cavendish’s life and the fact that he can’t time travel anymore, meaning that all of his actions have consequences; I guess it does make sense to some extent that Dakota doesn’t want to save the abductee. He worries more about Cavendish being alive and safe, especially now that he can’t go back. However, I’ll admit that the way Dakota just brushes off the possibility of someone being abducted and in danger does feel out of character. Although, watching “The Substitute” again, the two did leave the classroom without trying to do anything to help the kids against the blob; so honestly I don’t know.

This all leads us to the last part for Dakota :

3. The evolution throughout the scenes

So as I said, Dakota starts off trying to be supportive of Cavendish by being reassuring, but as Cav starts to be more and more absorbed by the idea of proving the ship exists, Dakota starts to distance himself from him by trying to convince him to stop looking. And then comes the last scene, in which all Dakota can do is try to convince Cavendish to stay with him.

Honestly, thinking about this scene, it feels like Dakota already knows that he lost the fight. When he asks “you say that sarcastically ?”, he just sounds tired. Also, there’s how his way of talking changes in the episode. At first, in the computer room, he tries to use facts to convince Cav to stop looking for the ship, talking about how there was some sunlight or how Cavendish got worked up. Then, during the argument on the armory, it’s kind of the same, although the facts that he gives are much more personal this time around with how he mentions that it’s a question of how their actions now have consequences and he can’t just fool around anymore.

Then, during the last scene at the “apartment”, he doesn’t even try to argue about the ship aside from his apology. Instead, he mentions his partnership with Cav and how they’re always able to talk things through, which actually reminds me of how in the scenes when they’re in private they act differently than in public, making it seem like they do communicate quite a lot by dropping their defenses around each other and vent to each other. Heck, the way Dakota says in this episode “We talk it out, we’re a team” really gives off the impression that yes, Cavendish and Dakota do talk things out when they have a big argument. And that’s what Dakota wants to do in this scene. He just wants the two of them to sit down and talk it out; no more running away, no more argument.

But yeah, in this scene, it’s not about the ship. It’s about Cavendish staying with him. And honestly, it feels like something that can be applied to how Dakota is throughout the entire episode. All he seems to care about is if Cavendish is going to stay with him or ghost him. Again, it kinds of falls into the idea that a similar situation happened before.

One last thing that I’ve written down is the fact that Dakota sutters while trying to convince Cav to stay in that last scene. But after watching a few of the previous episodes, Dakota actually has a tendency to sutter when he gets anxious or nervous. As a few examples : the ending of “A World Without Milo” at the beginning of his talk with Elliot, the crossover episode when Cav learns about the island, several scenes in “Escape” (Dakota’s such a mess in this episode).

 So that’s all for my breakthrough of Dakota’s part in this episode. Overall, he seems like he just wants to be with Cavendish, and for some reason seems to believe him while at the same time not trying anything to help the abductee. He’s protective, most likely due to the trauma of seeing Cavendish die over and over again for years. In short, that man has some issues that the show should really consider mentioning if season 3 comes around. But I will discuss more about these issues in my second post on the topic.

Now, onto Cavendish :

II. Cavendish’s side

1. Insecurities and evolution before this episode

So let me get this out of the way first : Cavendish is a very insecure guy, and what happened in “Abducting Murphy’s Law” was bound to happen at some point. We see glimpses of it in “Time Out” and “Abducting Murphy’s Law” seems to revolve around it : Cavendish is a guy who seems to have a pretty low self-esteem and who tries to hide it in his way to act all professional and “know-it-all/all-mighty”. We see it in how easily he gets sad in “Time Out” when realizing that his job barely matters, and we also see it when he’s in private with how soft he becomes. Just look at how, at the beginning of the Halloween special, he very easily agrees to follow Dakota’s plan and only calls Dakota a “meanie” for steaking stuff, which contrasts with his “Doughty snackhound” from “We’re Going to the Zoo”. He also shows his anxiety in “Snow Way Out” and is very soft and calming in “Perchance to Sleepwalk”.

So yeah, his attitude outside is more of an act than anything, though I’m not denying that he also gets grumpy because that’s a side of his personality (I wish I had any artistic talent so I could draw Cavendish with John Mulaney’s “When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting !”, including John talking about his wife after this line).

So all this to say that Cavendish is insecure. And because of those insecurities, he feels the need to prove himself. He wants to be a hero, he wants to feel like a hero, but he also wants others to see him as a hero. Again, “Time Out” shows it well with how quickly he gets obsessed at the possibility of a counter-agent working against him, nevermind the fact that it’s a literal child.

And we see it even more in season 2. Every episode, he complains about how shitty his life became and how unfair it is. In particular, there’s the episode “Free Fall”, his last appearance before “Abducting Murphy’s Law”. In “Free Fall”, he seems even more fed up than usual about his job, and when a drone attacks him, he’s immediately happy that someone, anyone, noticed him. The ending of this episode actually makes me feel sad for him. He’s just so desperate for something good to finally happen to him; and he does deserve better than that. It’s just sad.

It also feels like he’s starting to distance himself from Dakota during the first half of season 2. By that, I mean that they don’t have as much interactions as they did in season 1, which was full of their banter (which is what made them so entertaining to watch). Heck, in “Milo’s Shadow”, Cavendish is shown alone, without Dakota. And in this episode, Cav tries to tell others about the aliens and get some people concerned about it.

Also, he clearly tries to impress the others when telling his story, even if he doesn’t consider them much. As for the other episodes, Cavendish and Dakota are mostly concerned over their mission and as such aren’t seen interact much, aside from like the beginning of “Lady Krillers”; which is a bit of a shame considering how their interactions are the best thing about their plot (but I already have another post ready that talks about season 2 and its issues so I won’t rant about it here).

So in short, Cavendish is desperate for good things to happen to him. He’s desperate to prove himself, he’s desperate to have other people take him seriously for once, he’s desperate to have a better life than that. During the first half of the season, it feels like this is what they were trying to show. And it all culminates in “Abducting Murphy’s Law”.

2. His evolution throughout the episode

So I’m going to do one big part here, going scene by scene.

Parking-lot scene :

So, in the first scene, Cavendish is the same as in previous episodes. He’s not satisfied with his job and wishes for more, in particular recognition for his previous actions in season 1. He’s (rightfully honestly) having a hard time accepting that this is all he gets, and when Dakota gives him a reality check, it only makes him feel worse.

Then there’s the encounter with Scott. This one’s pretty interesting. Alright so first off, it seems that Cavendish considered what both Dakota and Scott told him and decided to try and stop sulking, trying to see a more positive side of his situation. Though, it’s very interesting how he says “but how ?” right before seeing the UFO. In a way, it also really shows the difference of mentality between him and Dakota. Dakota has accepted that this is all he’ll get, and while he’s not happy about it, he decides to try seeing the good in smaller things. Cavendish on the other hand doesn’t seem to be able to do the same. Heck, when Dakota does it at the beginning of the episode, Cavendish sees it as Dakota lacking ambition; which in itself isn’t actually wrong since Dakota really doesn’t seem to want much from life aside from having fun and being with Cav.

Then, there’s also the line “Loss can lead to new adventures”. What I love about this is how, when we start the episode, the “loss” is more about how Cav is feeling. I mean, even Cavendish says that he needs to stop sulking after hearing this sentence. But then we watch the end of the episode and suddenly “Loss can lead to new adventures” has a brand-new meaning. And ouch. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love it, but still, ouch. Though, to be honest, I do wonder if at some point during the episode, Cavendish realized that “loss” could also mean leaving Dakota behind. Honestly tho if Cavendish repeated the sentence during the separation it would have been some amazing angst. But I’m getting off-topic.

Afterwards, there’s the abduction. When Cav sees it, he reacts exactly like he did at the end of “Time Out” and “Free Fall” : he gets excited and touchy, ignoring what Dakota says as he’s too taken from seeing this as a new opportunity to prove himself worthy of a better life. Thinking about it, it’s actually both funny and sad how he seems to care more about people seeing the ship and promoting him than the fact that someone was straight-up kidnapped by aliens (what’s up with Cavendish and Dakota not caring about people’s lives in this episode ? Though, given how they were in early season 1, I guess they just don’t care for the people they don’t know, do they ?).

Though, Cavendish mostly thinking about a promotion does fit his character. Again, he’s now desperate for recognition. In the spun of the moment, it isn’t about someone getting abducted, it’s about him being a hero again.

One last thing that I want to mention, mostly because I don’t really know where to put it otherwise : some scenery regarding Cavendish and Dakota at the end of the scenes. Every single scene with the two of them in this episode ends with Cavendish leaving the frame without Dakota, with Dakota trying to follow him in the first and second scene. Then, starting with the computer room scene, Dakota is left behind, the first time by his own volition as he’s starting to be less and less able to follow with Cavendish’s mindset and get angry about it, then left behind because Cavendish is too far gone into his ideas and prevents Dakota to stay with him, no matter how much Dakota tries to follow him, desperate to set things right. That’s all I have to say about how the characters move into the frames, but I found that to be a very interesting detail.

  The P.I.G. desks + the computer room scenes :

Like for Dakota, I don’t have much to say about the second scene. Bob Block doesn’t believe Cavendish in the slightest (and is being a condescending smartass about it; god I hate this guy. He’s great as a character but my god I hate him as a person) and it leaves Cavendish sad and disappointed. But then, Dakota tries to cheer him up, which only prompts Cavendish to try acting against his boss’ wishes. It’s like I said earlier : they have the same mentality as in season 1 in which ignoring the rules had little to no consequences aside from a slap on the wrist, leading them to do what they wanted.

But here, this isn’t season 1 and their actions have consequences. Dakota had realized that and tries to call Cavendish off his goal, but Cavendish is too excited to listen to him. This is the same structure as “School Dance” or “The Little Engine that Couldn’t” in which Cavendish gets his mind set on something. And in these two episodes, Dakota simply follows him without complaining. Heck, in “School Dance”, when the kids confront them about the whole “vampire” business and say “We know what you’re up to”, Dakota replies “Really ? Cause I barely know” which shows that, in this episode, he basically blindly follows Cavendish around, not caring enough about his job to object when Cav wants to do something that goes against what their boss want.

So, because of how they were in season 1, Cavendish is used to act when his mind is set on something. And he’s also used to have Dakota follow him, which might explain why he sounds like he’s taking Dakota’s objections in this scene like a joke. After all, Dakota always let him have his way, even when he disagreed with it. So why should it be different this time around ?

In a way, Cavendish has a certain disconnect, not really realizing the consequences of his actions. I guess that may be due to his previous job or the fact that, with Dakota secretly protecting him all the time, it never occurred to him how badly things can turn out.

One last thing for this scene, about the dialogue with Block and Cav mentioning the need to save the abductee : it’s again a bit unclear whether Cavendish wants to save them because they’re a person in danger or if he’s only thinking about people discovering that he was right and making him a hero. Though, looking back at his facial expression, he does seem genuinely concerned for the person (and I’m actually starting to wonder how he would’ve reacted had he known that the abductee was Milo).

As for the computer scene, again, not much to say. It’s Cavendish focusing on the task he wants to accomplish while Dakota’s just there to be there. Again, we see Cavendish be too obsessed with his task to pay mind to Dakota’s objections. We also see him get irritated when Dakota objects, though not as much as later on, as if he could tell that Dakota wasn’t truly believing him but at the same time thinks that Dakota will keep following and supporting him.

Side note : Seeing Cavendish knowing how to use a computer feels really weird. Like, I know he’s from the future so obviously he knows how technology works without any problem, but this is a guy who walks around with an 1850s outfit and who keeps using outdated expressions. So seeing him use a computer just doesn’t feel right.

The armory scene :

Now we get into the juicy part.

Alright so first off, a side note : “I am a naughty boy !” Cavendish, buddy, please don’t ever say something like that again ! Although it’s pretty adorable to see that dork feeling like such a gangster after “breaking” one rule (I mean, he was allowed in by the guard so it’s not really breaking the rules).

Secondly, like in the first scene at the beginning of the episode, when talking about saving the abductee, he seems more focused on the fact that he’s a hero who needs to save the world. It really gives off the impression that he doesn’t care that much about what happened to this person. He just wants validation and uses the current circumstances to do so. Again, this is just sad (I swear making this analysis is starting to make me feel really bad for Balth).

Thirdly, the line “Come on, partner !”. At first, I thought Cavendish was trying to convince Dakota to help him by reminding him of how close they are. But thinking about it again, I can’t help but see it as Cavendish trying to convince himself that Dakota will help him. I mean, he definitely noticed that Dakota wasn’t ok with what he was doing, no matter how oblivious he seems to be to Dakota’s objections. But up until now, Dakota had a tendency to just shrug it off and follow. So seeing him be so insistent now may have made Cav realize that maybe Dakota won’t follow through this time. So he tries to convince himself that Dakota will come through for him, because they’re partners.

Fourthly, the argument itself. When Dakota starts to interject more seriously, Cavendish reminds him of the obvious : that, when they were time-travelers, Dakota couldn’t care less about the rules. But things are different for them now, actions have consequences, and Cavendish doesn’t seem to truly grasp that. Heck, after Dakota argues that they have responsibilities to keep, Cavendish immediately points the finger at him with the “You don’t believe me” line, which completely changes the direction of the argument. Seriously, Dakota was talking about how they needed to follow the rules to survive in this new time-period and Cavendish starts talking about something that has nothing to do with what Dakota just said. Although, given that these two have known each other for at least like 10 years or so, given how much Cav changed from his design in “First Impressions”, I guess him changing the topic like that might be due to him knowing Dakota well enough to understand that, when Dakota objects to him like that, it’s because there’s a lack of trust there.

As for the rest of the argument, I guess this is mostly Cavendish’s desperation and obsession that are speaking. I mean, Cavendish is never taken seriously by anyone aside from Dakota. So here, when Dakota doesn’t support him like he expected him to, this is probably the last straw for him. He isn’t willing to listen to Dakota’s excuses, cutting him mid-sentence. And if Dakota’s face is any indicator, he can clearly tell that Cav doesn’t want to listen and that he’s losing the battle.

Cavendish has made up his mind. He knows what he saw, he knows that aliens are on earth, kidnapping people; and if nobody, not even Dakota, is willing to listen to him, then he’ll have to prove them all himself, no matter the cost.

  The ‘leaving’ scene :

Then comes the last scene, with Cavendish packing his bags. Again, he isn’t willing to listen to Dakota. He made up his mind and he’s determined to find the UFO. As he says it himself when Dakota tries to apologize : “It’s too late for that”.

Though, as I’ve seen mentioned in a fic that was basically an analysis of that last scene, we do have Cavendish leave a teddy bear behind. The bear wasn’t on the couch when he was packing, so it’s likely that he felt genuinely bad for ditching Dakota and decided to leave a plush behind to keep him company.

Also, a thing that I keep bringing up in my fics : I truly don’t think that Cavendish wanted to leave forever. I mean, he probably only took the essentials in the bag he used; he probably has much more than that stuff. Also, I highly doubt that he would wish to never see Dakota again. Heck, in “Escape”, when they reunite, Cavendish is pretty nonchalant about the whole thing, as if he expected to see Dakota again. Overall, it’s more that he thinks that Dakota’s going to try to stop him or slow him down since he doesn’t really believe in him, so he wants to do this rescue alone.

And one last thing regarding Dakota : the whole “It’s safer for you to stay here”. I find this line really interesting. Because thing is, no it’s not safer. Cavendish doesn’t go alone to protect Dakota, he does it to prove a point, to prove that he’s right and everyone else is wrong. But thing is, Cav already has some pretty low self-esteem, and accepting the fact that he’s being selfish by leaving wouldn’t help with it. Also, as I’ve mentioned in my long-ass “fun facts about these two” post, when Cavendish is in a situation that’s possibly dangerous, his first reflex is almost always to worry about Dakota’s well-being. So, in my interpretation, Cavendish knows that he’s being selfish by leaving like that and ghosting Dakota, so he tries to tell himself to leave by convincing himself that he’s leaving the guy behind to protect him; because there’s nothing more important to him than Dakota’s safety, so it’s much easier on the mind to tell himself that he’s doing it for Dakota.

  Aaaand that’s pretty much all for this analysis, which is already a lot to take in (12 pages. This entire post is 12 pages long. 11 without the pictures).

Thanks for reading !

[roguesnezblog]

About Text Rp’s...

So I’m gonna go on a small rant for a second. And just get this off my chest cuz none of my friends are online <<

Plus I think this is an important thing to say as a person who has learning difficulties. (Dyslexia is what I know I have but need to prolly get diagnosed for other things too like ADHD/Autism. The doc basically was like HEY YOU COULD HAVE THESE THINGS BUT WE DUNNO WHICH ONE. Like hey gee thanks. Anyway)

So I basically just had a person text rp with me and say they weren’t enjoying it cuz my grammar and my typo’s were “ruining the flow of rp” and messing with their mojo I guess.

I tell em I got dyslexia and that shit can be hard for me to spot, even if I re-read what I’ve wrote or really try focus on what the word is. Sometimes I just never see a misspelling or a typo cuz my brain looks at it differently.

They say they understand and I say sorry but I don’t think my literacy can get much better than this because if I try super hard to focus and yanno write like a professional writer, I get stressed and I quickly get headaches and frustrated because I just...don’t enjoy writing as much as most people.

Im much more of an artist. Duh.

They brag about how they have a Master’s in english and just totally dismiss Everything I just said about how my stress levels get effected by too much writing/reading and that I do not think my mind can do much better than what I’m currently doing and just said:

“Nah, anything helps just read fanfiction more. I’d be happy to tutor you.”

So...FYI to anyone without a reading disability and reading this for my own opinion on it. It doesn’t just go away the more you read. Nor does it get better, the more you read. 

Yes, you can force your brain to learn to spell certain words normally it would have trouble with (Like patterns and rhyming tricks)

Yes, a dyslexic person can force themselves to write “well” and focus like for essays or schoolwork.

And yes a dyslexic person academically can excel in literacy.

But for me at least; it is never fun. And it is always stressful to force your brain to behave in a way it isn’t programmed to be normally. Specially when people like this, pressure you to get better and act like for your entire life you haven’t been combating these troubles.

So then, whats the solution? 

 The solution is simpler than you think. Just be patient. If someone says their dyslexic, expect mistakes in writing and don’t get pissed about it.

It’s really just that simple.

Don’t act high and mighty, don’t play teacher and don’t think it can be fixed by just reading more.

(Sorry for the rant I don’t normally do this but this person actually really annoyed me :U I also feel like sharing this experience I can help others like me feel less alone...Also I won’t say their name and I will say it was no-one from tumblr, so none of my rp mates from here have to panic. Haha! It was from another website I won’t name)

PS.

I enjoy text rp now and then, although I much prefer drawing. Writing I am not good at but I enjoy engaging with people who like my ocs and a lot more people text rp than image rp (like I do) but things like this put me off it so much...

I am sorry if anything here I said was offensive to anyone. As I’m not sure what other dyslexic people feel on this...since I don’t know many others like me, but this is just how I felt in this moment. I may delete this post later if I am wrong...but I would like to know what others think about it...

PSS.

This whole thing as said by the title is about text rp. As in text roleplay. As text roleplay is rarely a job or anything beyond a fun activity, I genuinely believe people shouldn’t be so uptight and forceful with grammar and/or spelling mistakes.It’s suppose to be for fun, not a job interview, this is a major reason why this made me so annoyed. It’s not the place I expected to see this behavior from.

[writingchalamet]

We’ll Be Alright

Timothée Imagine based on the Fine Line by Harry Styles. A couple at college struggling through their beautiful but hard relationship together, within the walls of the small apartment they share.

A/N: There’s a lot of angst, some smut and swearing so if you’re not into it then please don’t read. There’s also a bit of tom Holland thrown in there as a bestfriend / potential lover read to find out...

“Put a price on emotion, I’m looking for something to buy”

The dimly lit apartment had already set the ambience for what felt like their hundredth argument that day. The only light coming from the amber fairy lights that hung in between books on the shelf above the bed, and from the lamp post that stood tall outside the window. The dull colour in the room only adding to that same dragging energy they had both felt all day. She looked at him, with her heavy eyelids and subtle tears cascading down her cheeks. Not enough for him to  notice in this light and at the distance they stood away from each other.

The solemn expression that dawned his face hadn’t left since they got out of bed this morning. He was beginning to wonder if it was all worth it. If the constant feeling of numbness and anger towards each other was all they were ever going to feel. It didn’t always feel like this. There were times when they were happy. When that little apartment was filled with joy, music, dancing, laughter, love. Emotion. So many emotions had flown in and out of that apartment in the three years they had lived there together. Had they used it all up. 

“Are you gonna say something Timothée?”  you practically whispered from your cracked dry lips. Hardly looking in his direction at all, you couldn’t even remember what you were quarrelling over anymore.

“What’ s left to be said. I’m so sick of feeling like this y/n! I just want to feel something real with you. What fucking happened to us huh! We used to be so good and now I just feel like we’re on autopilot and we’re gonna crash and I don’t want that- I really don’t fucking want that-” He breathed the words out beginning to sob striding closer to you with every word. 

“-I know, I don’t want that either baby, I just don’t know what we’re supposed to do, I feel like I’ve run out love to give and I hate that because you deserve everything and so much more” you say shamefully looking at the floor, Timmy grabs your face with both his hands and draws your heads together your lips meet, a slight metallic taste from the split in your cracked lips. One on Timmy’s hands left your cheek and wrapped itself around your waist closing the only space left between you. Your own hands twiddling their way into his messy but perfectly kept curls, occasionally stroking the side of his face. Tim pulled away short of breath, looking down at your smaller frame, carefully placing his forehead against yours, closing his eyes with a hint of a smile on his face.

“Tell me you don’t love me” Timothée stated boldly, looking at you dead in the eye. Your mouth dropped ajar unsure of how to respond. 

“I can’t do that, why would you say that?” you questioned clearly rattled by his words. 

“Then how can you say you have nothing more to give, if you love me, we can work through anything, right, we’re a team aren’t we?” He spoke passionately like he always does. One of the many traits you loved about him. 

You nodded to him reassuringly, staring into those deep green eyes, you felt everything, you felt safe, you felt home, but most of all you felt love.

“You got my devotion, but man I can hate you sometimes”

Some weeks had past since you had both reconciled that night, but already things were beginning to look rocky again. Some days were great but other days you felt like throwing books at each other and sleeping at friends houses just to stay away from each other. 

This morning Timothée had woken up in an incredibly foul mood, something you just didn’t have the time for. Strolling into the kitchen you noticed the dishes still in the sink from the night before, which had been Timmy’s turn to do the cleaning up. You decide against saying anything to save yourself the aggravation of another petty argument.

 Lifting your foot up onto the small oak two person dining table to tie your shoelace, Timmy saunters into the kitchen with a towel hanging around his waist, droplets of water falling from his hair and down his chest. He looked beautiful until he opened his mouth. “Get your fucking foot off the table we have to eat off there” with a pissed off expression he trudged towards you leaving wet feet marks on the stone floor, and knocks your leg down, you lose your balance slightly but gain it back by grabbing hold of the table. 

“what the fuck, T, first, they’re new so they’re clean and second, what is your problem?” Looking back at him with wide eyes shaking your head, adjusting the waistband of your sweatpants that had slightly ridden up. You look at him desperately searching for an answer but nothing, his face stuck with the same hard glaring expressing he’s been wearing all morning. 

“Whatever, I’ve gotta get to school”, putting a slice of toast in your mouth and pulling your Columbia University lanyard over your neck you head towards the door. 

“Why aren’t you coming on the bus with me?” You suddenly hear murmured behind you, you turn to look at him, his gaze has softened slightly, shoulders slumped. You look back at the dishes and the puddle beginning to form under his feet where he stand and begin to become more irritated at the fact he had the audacity to shout at you this morning for something so minor. 

“I don’ t feel like being suffocated by your shitty energy this morning, so I’d rather walk” and with that you left the confinements of your apartment and hit the streets of New York. 

You weren’t that far away from the campus probably about a 30 minute walk, but you were often too tired to walk and had too many books to carry, plus the bus stop is literally right outside your apartment building so why wouldn’t you. You texted your friend Tom who lived close by on the off chance he might walk in with you so didn’t feel as lonely. New York was great place to live, you’d always wanted to move to NY but as soon as you moved there you realised how lonely you were. Over 19 million people in one city and you’d never felt lonelier. Then you met Timothée, a fellow New Yorker, lived there his whole life, you were thankful you’d met him, he showed you around. All the best places to eat, drink, hang out with friends and then your relationship just blossomed. You wish you could just get back to how it was then. When things were easy. When he didn’t have to nit-pick at every single thing  you do. You loved him so much, but hated him at the same time and it wasn’t healthy.

Your phone dinged and sure enough Tom was ready and waiting by his door just a few houses down from where you were now. You greeted him with a large Cheshire like grin and embraced him in a hug. “Hi” you both breathed out into the hug. “How are you” pulling away his British charm radiating off of him. 

“I’m okay, thanks, a bit tired, Timmy woke up on the wrong side of the bed so I’m still a bit frazzled” he looked at sympathetically placing a hand on your back for comfort. 

“Breakfast?” He then changed the subject quickly smiling at you his eyes almost resembling a puppies with their pleading manner. 

“Of course, lead the way” you smile back laughing your response, your mood changing completely. He offers you his arm to link with his which you graciously take placing your head on his shoulder for just a second, thanking him for his kind gesture, lifting your spirits. It put a thought into your head, you remembered when Timothée used to be like this, and now he hardly even wants to hold your hand when you walk down the street. Or be near you on the couch at home, you were so devoted to him, but it felt non reciprocated at this point.

Timmy had thrown on some clothes quickly, leaving his hair wet, he chased after her out of the apartment. Following the usual route he caught up to her relatively swiftly. He had noticed her stopping to get her phone out, maybe she was going to call him. He didn’t want to seem like he was following her. He stared at her for a while a few paces behind. He took notice of the way she would look around at all the houses, staring longest at the ones she seemed to take a fancy to. How she would touch every lamppost she past, or pet every dog. She was a very caring person.

 He felt bad for snapping at her this morning, he just couldn’t help it, the words came out before he had time to control what was happening. Tim realised it had been a while since she had got her phone out and there still hadn’t been a ‘ding’ on his own. He then realised the familiar house she was pottering towards. Tom’s. He hated Tom, well he didn’t hate Tom, he just envied the relationship he had with His girlfriend. Tom had asked Y/n out before Timmy did but she turned him down and went with Timmy instead. They however decided to stay friends, close friends, which Timmy hated. He watched in a frozen state as Y/n embraced Tom for what felt like the longest time. Then as they smiled at one another with a glimmer in their eyes. Tim felt deflated and broken. He knew that he was slowly pushing them closer together and the more he acted out he would eventually have to watch Tom replace him, and he hated it.

“I don’t want to fight you”

You wandered the halls of the university aimlessly, anything to keep you from going back home. As awful as it sounded, you’d rather stay the night in a 24 hour café working on your essays than fighting with him. However you soon happened upon your favourite room in the building, the library. You stepped in and smiled, striding towards your favourite corner of the overly large room. ‘Feminist Literature’ all the greats stood tall and proudly in their corner, you glanced upon the likes of Plath, Atwood and the Bronte sisters. Deciding on your next read, before noticing you had been joined by someone. 

He focused on you in awe, watching the amazement and excitement light up in your eyes. Stretching yourself to reach a book on the top shelf, Timmy’s breathe hitched in his throat as your top rose, exposing the soft skin usually hidden from the world, the lace from your bralette peaking out revealing the slightest amount of under boob. He took two strong steps towards you and delicately placed his arms around you.

You jumped at the sudden contact, but soon realised it was him, recognising his very noticeable scent and mop of curls. You managed to turn slightly so your bodies would fit better together, and draped your arms around his neck and take in an inhale of his homely smell. “I miss you” you mumble, tucking your head into his neck leaving a kiss at the base of his neck.

“I miss you too, baby. I’m sorry for being an ass” He sighs into the hug pulling you closer, his hands laying flat on your sides, almost covering the whole of your ribcage, his hands travel underneath your crop top, one arm stretching to your opposite shoulder blade the other hugging tightly around your waist, as if he never wanted to let go. 

“I don’t want to fight with you, anymore, I’m so tired of us going in circles and making each other feel like shit” You express pulling back slightly just to look him in the eye, making sure to keep your tones hushed to not disturb the other readers.

“Neither do I, shall we go home, and we can order takeout and snuggle on the couch and watch some movies?” He looks at you with a glint of hope in his eyes, a look you haven’t seen in weeks. He tilts his head to the side the first signs of a smile adorning his face, which appeared to ignite a little flicker between the two of you once again. 

“sounds amazing” you lean in and touch your lips softly against his at first only to deepen it a few moments later. You hadn’t really touched each other in a few weeks, tension building rather fast. You slid your tongue half way into his mouth, gliding it along his, knowing how much he loves it. Granted you received a soft moan in return, his hands moving around your back to rest on your hips. He pushed you lightly into the cabinet causing a few books to knock off the shelves. You gasp eyes widening, and begin to laugh as a couple of books hit you both on the head. You pull away short of breath and excited. You bite your lip and look at each other and giggle again. 

The moment is cut short by an ill tempered librarian storming down the isle. “What is going on here! Tidy this up, and get out. Quietly!” She gives the two of you a stern look before trudging away. You both look at each other and burst out laughing before tidying the books away and running off the campus hand in hand. It was the most fun you’d had with each other in a long while. And the most you’ve laughed in weeks. For once things felt good. 

 “We’ll get the drinks in, So I’ll to thinking of her”

It was Winter break, and you and Timmy had decided to throw a little gathering at your humble apartment. Only twenty or so people had been invited so it wouldn’t be a huge event, but still the thought of lots of people in your home stressed you out. You had spent the majority of the morning hiding vases and anything fragile in cupboards and putting up your modest Christmas decorations. 

Timothée plodded around the apartment with his sweatpants hanging low on his hips, and a graphic t-shirt of some kind, you looked over at him  and wondered how he always looked so effortlessly good. He placed red solo cups on the countertops next to the bottles of drink and mixers, and gathered snacks, putting them in different bowls. 

“T! Can you help me put the topper on the tree?” you call out, standing on your tipping toes you were still just out of reach of those top branches. Not a second later Timmy was at your side launching you in the air and onto his shoulders, you screamed, and grabbed onto his head for support your legs tangling themselves around his neck. “I meant you do it you psycho!” you squawked at him from above, occasionally wobbling attempting to stay balanced. 

“No, I always put it up, It’ s your turn” he laughs back, and steps a bit closer to the tree. You lift the angel up and carefully place her on the top branch twisting it a couple of times, ensuring it wouldn’t fall off. 

Timmy then proceeds towards the couch and leans forwards letting you step down. You look downwards at him and smile, pulling him by his shoulders towards you again, his head landing in between your breasts his hands find your bum. You sigh jokingly as he gives it a little grope and a smack “Timmy” you warn, he laughs into you and raises his hands... Slightly. “I love you so fuckin much you know that” he breathes out with ease looking up at his adoring girlfriend. You smile and lean down, placing a simple kiss on his lips. You tease him as you pull away, licking him lips. He groans and rocks his head back looking back at you in frustration.

You step down off the couch and saunter towards the bedroom, to which he gives you hopeful stare. “I’m going to get ready, I’ll see you in a bit babe” you uttered with a teasing smile on your face and shut the door. All you could hear was a loud “Fuck!” from the other room. 

~ Later that evening ~

With the party in full swing and many drinks later, you thank yourself for deciding to host, all the stress was completely worth it, after many compliments on your ‘beautiful home’ and ‘oh my god I love your decorations’ and ‘your tree is perfect’ you felt so relived. Timmy was hanging with his friends dancing like idiots, and you, well were trashed. After far too many rosé wines and pink gins you should have been put to bed an hour ago, but here you are, life and soul of the party. 

You were taking with your friends Daya and Maggie on the sofa about absolutely nothing when Tom walked past. “Tom! Tom, help me up!” you hollered at him, he laughed and quickly came to your aid, you sent a quick wave the girls’ way as Tom pulled you off the couch. “What’s up?” he queried once he’d got you standing. 

“I don’t know I just wanted to see you.” you giggle placing an arm on his shoulder and leaning your head into him. “oh god I think I’m gonna throw up” a sudden feeling of dizziness had overcome you, darting to the bathroom, dragging Tom along behind you. 

Timothée noticed and a jealous rage washed over him. Why was his girlfriend who only hours before had been teasing him, hauling another man into the bathroom with her. Timmy couldn’t help the worried look that spread across his face as he saw Tom closing the door behind him. “-and then Finch kicked me out of the seminar” his group of friends erupted into laughter but Timmy kept his face straight. “Timmy” his friend hollered “huh” drawing his attention back to the group. “What’s up bud?” his friend Finn asked looking at in with genuine concern in his eyes. “Uh, I just need to go check on Y/n and make sure she’s doing okay, I’ll see you guys in a bit” he gives Finn a one armed hug and pats him on the back before he strides towards the bathroom. He didn’t like the sound of what was going on behind that door, but he couldn’t bring himself to open it. Leaning there in the hallway with his head pressed against the oak wood door, he heard something he wished he never heard. “Because I love you Y/n, and if you’re too stupid to still pick him over me then I don’t know what I’m still doing here.”

~

As you slid your bare feet along the stone floors practically carrying Tom on top of you to the bathroom you could feel the vomit moving up your chest. As soon as you reached the bathroom you hit the grey marbled floor and lurched your way to the toilet and let everything out. You heard Tom closing the door behind you, moving towards you to comfort you, he pulled your hair back, away from your face and stroked your back. You tiresomely reached up and flushed the toilet, using some toilet paper to wide your mouth. Tom helps you off pulling both your arms up and holding you still while you wobble a little bit. “Better?” Tom laughs lightly trying to lighten the mood in the brightly lit room. 

“yes, thanks but I need to brush my teeth” you uttered stumbling a little, the alcohol having obvious affect on you. You pushed yourself up onto the counter next to the sink, while Tom prepared your toothbrush for you. The t-shirt dress you were wearing had ridden up exposing the tops of your legs, and you being in your inebriated state sat with your legs slightly open and comfortable, your underwear showing. Tom had noticed but tried hard not to look. He gave you your toothbrush and watched you brush your teeth in a child like manner, after spitting he gave you a glass of water for you to gargle and watched you carefully spit your toothe-pastey  water to the side and into the sink with expertise. 

You sigh feeling a sense of relief. and Pull Tom into you for a hug, he sits comfortably in between your legs and his arms wrap around your mid-drift. “thank you” You whispered with your eyes closed. You lean your head back pulling away from the hug but Tom, gives you a strange look, one you’ve never noticed on him before. He’s looking at you the same way Timmy looks at you. Right before you can say or do anything, one of his hands slips behind your neck and the other holds the top of your leg, and he pulls you into a kiss. His lips meet yours only for a few moments, moving rapidly encouraging you to kiss him back, but he soon stops when you push him away. 

“What the fuck, why would you do that?” Jumping down off the counter putting some space between the two of you. “Because I love you Y/n, and if you’re too stupid to still pick him over me then I don’t know what I’m still doing here.” You stood there shocked not quite able to read the expression that lie on his face. “I don’t understand what’s going on Tom” You immediately felt very sober, searching his eyes for something, anything as to why he would try and ruin your relationship like that. 

“He’s such a loser Y/n, and he doesn’t care for you half as much as I do, name me a time I’ve ever made you cry or pushed you around, or made you want to run away from me, huh” Tom questions stepping towards you and grabbing your shoulders speaking intensely. You slapped his hands away from you and backed yourself towards the door. All the things Tom said only angered and confused you. 

“Just shut up Tom” You snapped “He might not be perfect but neither am I, do you think I make it easy for him, no I can be bitch I bite back, how dare you disrespect me like that. I love Timothée with every fibre of my being, I’m sorry if that makes you upset but that’s just how I feel. I thought I made it clear when I said no the first time, I’m sorry Tom, I really am” you emoted you felt heartbroken, like a piece of you had left, Tom had been one of your closest friends for years and now it felt as if your entire relationship had imploded. 

“I just don’t get it you flirt with me-” “Flirt with you, what are you talking about” you interjected his lude conspiracy “You’re always running to me whenever he does something wrong, you’re always hugging me and snuggling up to me whenever he does something wrong but you throw me to the side as soon as he apologises, it’s fucking ridiculous Y/n” you stand there baffled shaking your head “I hug you all the time because you’re my best friend Tom, like I hug Daya or Mags, you comfort me I can’t help if I just seem overly friendly to you but that's just the way I am” Tom looked at you with a pleading look in eyes. “Tom I think you need to leave” “Y/n please don’t do this, I love-” “Tom! Just go please, before you ruin any chance of us being friends again.” 

Tom steps past you and grabs a hold of the door handle. He jerks the door towards him to find a very deflated Timothée standing outside the door. Toms eyes widen at the sight of his best friends boyfriend, who had clearly heard him confess his love to, and opened his mouth to apologise. 

“Save it, she told you to leave so get out.” Timmy spoke sharply, his face only inches away from Tom. You had never seen him this angry before, you were slightly scared to know what exactly he had heard. Tom scoffed and pushed his way past Timmy shaking his head. With everything that had gone on the past ten minutes you had completely forgotten that there was a party going on. The sudden blare of the music had hit you all too suddenly. You looked up at Timmy as he stepped into the bathroom and you prepared yourself for your second round of heartbreak of the evening. 

Only to find his arms wrap around you in an instant. You reciprocated the affection and drew he closer to you “I love you” he whimpered into your hair peppering kisses onto your head. “I love you Timothée, how much of that did you hear” you say your words muffled by the closeness of his body. “Enough.” he sighed. “I’d choose you every time Timothée I want you to know that, even when we fight and I go and vent to Tom, you’re all that's on my mind, constantly, I love you” You pull back raising you hands to hold both sides of his face and caress his cheeks. He leans into your touch lips curling into a smile. “ I Love you. c’mon, enough commotion lets go enjoy our night.” Pressing a kiss onto your lips and pulling you towards the door. You smile with a sigh of relief and head back out to join the party.

“You sunshine, you temptress, my hands at risk, I fold”

The Christmas lights twinkled in the apartment. You had the thermostat turned right up at the sight of snow glistening outside your second floor window. Snuggled in blankets you persisted on writing the essay you had been assigned over the winter break, but you had been stuck with the same paragraph staring you in the face for the past hour and a half. Timothée had gone out to run some errands and to see his sister but of course due to the snow he ended up taking a lot longer than he planned. 

You run your fingers through your hair, knotted from the amount of times you’d pulled it up into a pony tail, out of a pony tail, into a bun, let it down and pulled it around again. You sigh saving your work before slamming your laptop closed. You head towards the kitchen grabbing a bowl of cereal to tide you over until dinner later. You hear the door slam and a very soggy Timothée slumps through the door, shaking off his snow ridden coat onto the nearest radiator to dry off. He slips out of his shoes and falls down onto the couch letting out a deep breath. 

He looks towards you and smiles lifting his arms gesturing you towards him. “where’s my girl” he smiles, you put the half empty bowl of cereal down and move towards him. As you reach him, his hands weave themselves around you pulling you down towards him. You straddle his hips shuddering when his icy hands reach up to hold your bare legs. “Timmy, you’re freezing!” You squeak as he nuzzles his head into your neck. He kisses your neck his hot breath a large contrast to his icy skin. “Well I guess you should warm me up then” You gasp at the brazenness of his statement but lean in pulling his head towards yours.

His lips meet you in the middle, smashing against yours passionately, in a mix of tangled limbs and soft moans you soon found yourselves heating up. Timmy glides his tongue against your bottom lip requesting access which you happily grant. Your tongues slide along side each other creating a harmonious rhythm, you both enjoy. You shift yourself closer to Timmy earning a soft moan to fall from his lips as your almost bare groin grazes over his sweatpants clad crotch. His hands slid up the bottom of your loosely fitted dress and his hands danced over your ass, grabbing and smacking playfully. “Y/n” Timmy eagerly encourages in between the animalistic kisses. “uh huh” you reply in short already knowing what the response is probably going to be. “Bedroom” he huffs, standing up bringing you to your feet. You continue to roughly make out on your journey to the bedroom, bumping into things and stomping to kiss against walls. You finally make it to the door which Timmy kicks open with his foot and pulls you inside. 

You manoeuvre to the bed lit up by the fairy lights on the book shelf, and Timmy pushes your body down onto the bed throwing the show cushions down onto the floor, you give him a quick glare as he knows how much you hate that and he shakes his smiles and kiss you. Kneeling over you his hands go to the bottom of your dress which he begins to lift up, your hips rise, then you sit up watching your dress get disregarded onto the floor along with the pillows. Tim takes a short breath at the sight of you braless under your clothes with just a simple black silk underwear, he leans down and places a kiss at your navel a hand greedily reaching up to fondle your breast. You reach your hand to his face and pull him up so he’s eye level with you. “Please Timothée, I want you” 

With a nod he slips out of his clothes and joins you back on the bed, lips smacking together and bodies becoming sheer with a layer of thin sweat his excitement was prominent his member poking you in the groin every now and then. His fingers trail down to your underwear, tugging at the sides of them until they are far enough the way down for you to kick off. He lies there in between your legs and just stares at you for a moment. “I love you so much” Your hand glides along his cheek, into his curls and you pull him in for a loving kiss, Your other hand reaches down and grasps his member, he gasps, head lulling back. You guide his member inside your walls breathing eradicated at the feeling. He moves his hips slowly picking up the pace as he goes along, you let out a high pitched moan as he thrusts inside you with a harder force.

Burying his face in your neck he lifts up one of your legs to sit on his shoulder deepening the position and lets out a gluttonous moan. Your head rolls backs, back arching and toes curling, gasping for air, he continues to slide in and out of you at a fast hard pace, your nails scrape up his back leaving harsh lines making him moan your name. His pelvis swirling into yours sending shivers down your spine, you can feel him everywhere, and it’s beautiful his head turns towards you and bangs your lips together once more. You moan into his mouth causing him to jerk his hips into you harder and harder only increasing your pleasure. “Fuck” you mutter quietly eyes rolling to the back of your head. “I love you” You whisper breathlessly. Timothée rolled his hips over repeatedly the friction building up to your climax which he could feel by your walls tightening and your eyes screwing shut. “Good girl” he whispers in your ear as you feel yourself fall apart beneath him. His smile soon dropped back into concentration as he picked back up his pace and in a matter of pumps was grunting back into the crook of your neck. 

A lazy smile adorned his face as he pulled himself out and slumped down pulling you into his side. You turn your head to him, he looked so beautiful in this dim amber lighting the glow softly cascading over his pale features. 

“I love you so much Timothée Chalemet, you are truly the best thing that ever happened to me, I’m so lucky to have met you and to know you” you whisper, your fingers tracing the soft skin of his chest. He presses a hard kiss onto the side of your head. 

“I love you, and I know we’ve been through a lot shit the past few months but I think we’ll be alright. You are the kindest most beautiful person I know, I love you” adorning another kiss onto your head. He pulls the covers up over the both of you and you watch the snow fall outside the window on top of the lamppost, watching it gather in tiny formations. He whispers again gently playing with her hair “We’ll be alright” 

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

i havent been here in a hot second is there a reason for the makoto hate specifically? like the rants go back to p5's writing issues but the spite for makoto seems very specific did she kill someones dog in one of the spinoffs or what?

You're all good. So here's the thing, she did kill my dog-I'm joking.

When I say “I’m the residential #1 Makoto Hater” it’s a joke, partially cause it probs looks that way (and probs cause it might be true, who knows if you could quantify hate then maybe I’m at the top of the leaderboards 8U but you can’t so we’ll never know). But I’m saying it at as a joke, to own myself and everyone here that knows what I think of her, rather than wear it as a badge of honor or some silliness. It’s just a “oh haha yeah there goes Silly, dunking on Makoto again! She’s basically Makoto’s #1 hater haha oh she’s so silly.” (so please don’t look too deep into it, I just want to have fun).

Anyway, me hating Makoto isn’t new, but I do hold a similar ire towards Futaba, Goro (tho I have camaraderie with his fans, I relate to their struggle in terms of my own brown hair and red eye fav and Atlus screwing them over u_u I may hate your fave but I respect you and will be in your corner), and Yukari (as well as Chloe from LiS if you want a non-Persona example). Makoto might be talked about more because 1) She hits my buttons that much faster (Futaba/Goro are more like a festering wound, and when I talk about them it’s hard to pick a starting point), 2) Her fans tendency (early on in the fandom) bringing her up frequently.....was a bad combo with #1 (overexposure+pushing all my buttons really fast=disaster). Obvie not blaming her fans, but it was hard to curate how I was able to curate my content online (esp with gaming news websites calling her “best girl” when showing off a figure announcement or some BS when I just want to know what new games have been announced >.> I can do without you trying to start a waifu war in the comments Siliconera -_-)

Anyway, I think I’ve made my reasons for hating her very clear (you just have to search her name on my blog and you’ll get a ton of essays I’m sure, too many to count). And a lot of it is the failure of P5′s writing. “So it’s just the writing you hate, not the character.” No. Because that doesn’t make sense. Except under certain circumstances (which I’ll provide examples of below with Luke Skywalker), you can’t separate the writing from the character. The character IS the writing, the writing IS the character. If you can’t hate/dislike the char because “of the writing” then you also can’t love/like them either. The character and the writing/writing choices for that character are connected. The writing embodies that character. They are the same.

Now I said there was an exception, and that’s....”different writer/director,” tho it’s not ALWAYS the case (sometimes the new writer really gets the original writing, like Saito for MM.....they are very good at emulating the clusterfuck of P5′s writing). P5′s writing is the original basis for Makoto’s character, that’s her. You can’t separate it from her. Same thing with say....Luke Skywalker from the OG trilogy, that’s him. But then we get to the sequel/Disney trilogy, new writer/director....and yeah that’s a mess (from what I understand OG trilogy=Hopeful and tries to see the best in people, 2nd Disney=Cynic and tried to kill a child, 3rd Disney=Hopeful again for some reason). There’s character development, then there’s just straight up changing the character just cause you need them to be this now. 

*writes how this can apply to Persona spinoffs but deletes because I was getting too off track* Look at me exercising control. It’s probs best I save that for a meta after I’ve replayed all the spinoffs again.

But....if you want me to boil down my issues with Makoto, I hate the message we get from her. I hate the lesson we learn from her. What is supposed to happen vs what happens.  It’s supposed to be about a girl who is blindly following authority and becomes disillusioned with it after being burned by it, on top of “immense pressure” she has as well, and then comes to our side (we know this because Atlus told us). We don’t get that (we know this because we saw the execution). We get two adults, yes TWO ADULTS, one of which is her sister and wants her to do well in school (but isn’t like.....a tiger mom about it, because Sae can’t be TOO horrible because we need to like her later), who in retrospect seems very busy with her job (which gives Makoto freedom), but also feels burdened by her younger sister (in which she has one shitty slip with her and then NEVER again). And the other is a dumbass principal who asks a really strange and stupid task for Makoto that snowballs into bullshit. That’s IT! THAT’S IT! That’s all we get from Makoto and “authority.” Strawmen. We don’t really get much of her personality either (I’m not saying that cause “she’s cardboard” I legit just.....don’t get her? Like I don’t get enough of her to get a solid foundation, you get me?) Like as the player, what we see of her is she’s just studying in the library (Kamo arc), then the principal calls her in, she mentions the rumors about Kamo, he asks her to look into the PT in exchange for a recommendation (to which she’s surprised and says thanks, not no, she looks like she’ll accept JUST BASED ON THAT) but before she can even say Yes (OR NO) he threatens Makoto with her sister, to which Makoto hardens and then agrees. Then she acts like an asshole and yadda yadda stuff happens.

But if she’s supposed to blindly follow authority, she’d say yes, but then they don’t let the character breathe so she can make the “wrong” choice because the Principal goes STRAIGHT to threatening her.......so now the message is muddled, or really it’s non existent. The whole Sae thing is a nothing bag too, it’s just family drama. Her sister is, no HAS to be absent a lot for her work, just so Makoto can have the freedom to be a PT....which means....it hurts her lack of freedom and other stuff associated with Sae being a big pressure on Makoto’s life. You know, I’ve said before they’ve squandered Sae, and that Makoto’s presence really harmed Sae (iirc it was this post). But at the same time, how they handled Sae really screws up Makoto’s character. Neither are allowed to breathe. Neither are allowed to make a true, horrible choice...and then learn from it. They aren’t allowed to have an actual arc. Altus played it safe, took choice away from them, didn’t want to take risks with either character and have meaning. Instead we just have this nothing contradiction thing dicking around until they join our team. 

What really sucks about that....is we got that with the Kamo arc. With Anne, Ryuji, even Yuki and Shiho. Kamo was manipulative, and his manipulation caused people to make....not the best choices, all out of a means to survive. Ryuji physically acted against Kamo, and he got his leg broken, team disbanded, and outcasted. Anne was trying to protect Shiho’s position on the team, which lead to her almost getting harmed by Kamo, Shiho getting harmed, her not seeing the truth about what was going on around her, and she didn’t tell Shiho (because she didn’t want Shiho to think she didn’t get on the team for her own merits), and so on. Shiho didn’t tell Anne what was going on because she wanted to protect Anne from Kamo (and was afraid Anne would, very much blame herself), and her and Yuki and the rest of the teams helped keep quiet about Kamo so they wouldn’t be next on the physical chopping block. This isn’t me blaming them, this is me showing their choices, their attempts to fix their (hopeless) situation, to help themselves or others, and the dramatic irony being it just made everything worse. BUT, even tho Kamo was the real one to blame, each character is aware of the actions that were made, and the consequences of each action (esp Anne/Ryuji/Shiho). And in their CoOps, they identify this, and take strides to learn from it so it doesn’t happen again. That’s an arc. That’s character development. They were allowed to make errors, mistakes, decisions that negatively impacted themselves/other’s. We see a solid foundation of their character from the get go, and how it changes over that small time. We don’t get that with Makoto. The group is like solid concrete to Makoto who is like shifting sand. 

Sorry got a bit off topic, anyway, I hate her message of boasting about her fighting ability but she only harms her friends (outside of shadows, but that’s not special) WHILE ALSO being a damsel that needs someone else to rescue her! I hate how when she gets called out, she wants to drop it, and gives gaslighty apologies, even tho she really ROYALLY screwed lot of people very badly. I hate how she demands us to help, only to literally be a detriment to our investigation. I hate how she gets to fly off the handle without repercussions (despite needing to be cool calm and collected for her job, especially since she miraculously can do that when needed so what the hell????). I hate how the text has her be shitty, say shitty things, be bad at her job, but will turn around and reward her time and time again. 

Sure she doesn’t break the lore like Futaba, or unravel P5′s plot like Goro. But as a character with a message attached to her, even ones that the creators surely overlooked (I’m sure they didn’t intend for her to only hit her friends), it’s simple but very annoying. Fast and easy to see, doesn’t require me to think of P5′s lore as well as the grander Persona lore. Doesn’t require me to dig through text for Goro bread crumbs and then unravel the entire basis of the P5 plot thanks to him. Makoto is easier to get into, it’s smaller scale and more personal I guess.