#hence the 10k notes

[yahooo-official]

10k notes and ill post a picture of myself in a skirt with cat ears

[kooksbunnnn]

Lost cause? 4: Can my happiness ever last?

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook× Female!Reader

Genre: Established relationship/ marriage, angst, heartbreak, makeout and kissing mentions, INFIDELITY. Panic attacks (TRIGGER WARNING). Pregnancy (do not read if this content triggers you) also, 18+, This is purely a work of FICTION please take it as FICTION only. Therapy and psychological conversations. Tears, guilt, regret and hope maybe?

Word counts: 10.1k approx

Summary: You always wondered, how would your life turn out to be if you and Jungkook had a baby? So, when you finally conceive and decide to tell your husband that you are pregnant, you didn't expect him to drop this bomb on you. You never would've thought that the surprise you planned would end up in agonized tears because of the shock your husband brings you. 

Authors note: Hello, my lovely readers, or should I call you all my bunnnnys? It sounds cute to me hehe, its a cute little name for my kooksbunnnn family, the readers who wait for me, love me, and read the stories I write. Thank you for waiting so patiently, ily guys. Here's chapter 4, I got a little carried away with words, hence the 10k 👉👈 sorry for the long wait once again, enjoy the chapter now. Bye-bye!

Previous chapter

___________________________________________

Seriously breathe louder Ross

You giggle watching an Instagram reel of a scene from friends where a pregnant Rachel snaps at Ross, who was just standing as you put another grape into your mouth from the container Jungkook packed for you with washed grapes.

As you scroll through the comments on the mentioned reel, you can't help but read some of the comments,

Comment: Rachel has such pretty hair.

True. You always wanted to try her hairstyles.

Comment: people should appreciate how the writers gave every female character a different kind of motherhood and different experiences, and it’s beautiful how they portrayed every feeling. Also, I can't imagine how one of them had a miscarriage in real.

Miscarriage. This word itself makes your body shiver with fear, and you immediately feel your throat get heavy. You shake your head at this and scroll further, not wanting to cry for the 6th time on the same day.

Comment: Being pregnant is a magical experience, sure, but it's a whole ass rollercoaster of emotions, and you won't be ready for the amount of mood swings that come with it.

Yea, No shit.

Comment: I love how Rachel had a character development nobody ever expected.

Mhm. True.

Comment: Can’t believe how they ended up together even after Ross cheated on her.

That got personal, guess it was time to delete Instagram.

Month 6 and a half, day 188 since that night and you’re surprisingly alive. The night your heart got broken and you didn't think you would make it through 2 months of life.

More like, you didn't think you could make it alone, without Jungkook. Technically? Yes, you couldn't live without seeing him or hearing him for the start of your pregnancy and now he is always around you.

Always around. Helping you sit, eat, drink, lie, puke, pee, and all this while being at his respectable distance from you.

“Cut yourself some slack, you're growing someone inside you. It's okay to be dependent while you're going through so much..” that's what your mom said when you asked her about your future and if it was a mistake going through with this.

Looking back to her advice from weeks ago you feel like you are being a little hard on yourself. Therapy. Sonograms. Lamaze classes, doctor appointments, morning-afternoon-evening sickness, hormones, mood swings, and whatnot. You feel excited for your baby to come into the world but would it be wrong if you said you were scared?

When you asked these questions to the people around you these were the answers:

Mom: “Yes honey, of course, it’s okay to be scared. Your life will change, and sometimes you feel like you won't know what you’re doing, but trust me having kids is a tiring but very beautiful experience.”

Dad: “Sweetie, it's completely normal. Your mom used to freak out a lot as well when she had you. We’re here for you, it's all gonna be okay.

Namjoon’s wife, Binna: “I have seen my sister go through it and I am gonna be honest, it is difficult and the delivery is gonna be tough but the results make it all worth it. I am so excited to start my family one day, too!”

Jin’s wife: “It's a little nerve-wracking, to be honest, but it's the best thing Y/N, trust me I have never cried harder than when I saw that my test results were not accurate, I was heartbroken. Trust me, this is the best thing that would happen to you.”

Namjoon, Jin, and Jimin in different words but similar contexts: “I don't know much about how you're feeling right now so I can't say I understand but trust me, I’ll be by your side and our dumb little brother’s side always. We’re a family, Y/N.”

Hobi and Taehyung came together while you and Jungkook were having dinner: We have seen our sisters and relatives go through pregnancy, and it honestly looks so overwhelming. We respect women more every day. We’re here always, just one call away.” They had said with smiles on their faces.

Yoongi: “I am not good with words or comforting people, Y/N, but I just wanna assure you that I am always here. All of us will be there for you both. It's not gonna be easy for you, mentally or body-wise, but never feel alone. You’re our family and always will be, no matter what.” He said, patting you like you were a kid while Jungkook sniffled sitting by your side in your sitting area.

The most common advice everyone gave was: Be easy with yourself, mentally, emotionally, and physically. You’re going through a lot.

And it was true. You and Jungkook have been working on your relationship’s progress ever since your first session, and somehow it was going pretty well. You had dinner together and he made sure he attended the sonography sessions and therapy sessions with you.

You had regular sessions together and Ms. Shin recommended you both try talking about the future ahead. No definite planning, just talking about the options.

Wall paints, cradles, toys, shopping, diaper brands, baby food, everything you could see in the future around your baby. Since the biggest reason for fixing your relationship was because of your baby, you needed to familiarize yourself sitting around talking about the little person gluing you both together.

So you both decided to have dinner together daily and decided to make a pre-baby diary while eating. Yes, it was Jungkook’s idea. It's been 8 days since the last therapy session and you have already listed the paint options for the baby’s room, went maternity clothes shopping with your husband and browsed some cradle options.

All was well, right?

On the outside, yes. In your ovaries? No.

The lingering attraction you so badly tried to avoid for the past week is still lingering in the air around you. You roll your eyes as you feel embarrassment creep up your neck at how dumb you have been behaving around your husband.

You feel emotional, horny and everything at once. Absolutely mental.

♡♡♡

“I don't think I am normal anymore.”

The therapist watches you utter the sentence with a manic like chuckle. She must be thinking you're insane. You notice how her hand freezes for a mini second and then continues to pass you the glass filled with water.

“My question, however, Mrs Jeon, was how did your weekend shopping go, but you can still go on. Why would you think such a thought?” Your therapist calmly asks you after waiting for your response to her earlier question for a good minute.

You finally take the glass of water in her hand stretched towards you after muttering a low ‘thankyou’.

After what happened with you and Jungkook and his damn damp hair, you were freaking out. One moment you were feeling like you could cry out of embarrassment but the next moment you wanted to make out with him in the kitchen while he wore his white dress shirt and those grey joggers you always loved.

Okay. You know this is weird, hence the embarrassment. Duh?! Earlier you weren't able to control the urges you felt, the mood swings, the craving, and now?! This fucking arousal.

You made an appointment with your doctor as soon as you woke up the following morning, hoping she would prescribe some pills or any kind of medications to reduce the arousal you felt but it didn’t help you much because there was no way of completely avoiding that.

The doctor didn’t suggest you take the pills that might’ve helped you because you already had a lot of mood swings and anxiety episodes, those pills could’ve worsened them. She makes sense, a lot of sense but only when you thought about it with a cool head.

But at that moment, while she was telling you all that? It's just safe to say you can grit your anger in between your teeth.

Now you were sitting in front of your therapist hoping she would help you reverse the psychology or something which would help you not feel horny for your husband.

‘Your husband who betrayed you and was now trying to make up for what he did which you were okay with and hoping for everything to be better one fucking day ago but now you feel like you wanna kiss him so badly it makes you dizzy’

It was like a mantra, hecheatedhecheatedhecheated, so that you don't pull him in to kiss the shit out of his cute little face.

When you say the same things you thought, your therapist nodded her head noting something down in her notepad. Maybe she thought you were mental.

“Mrs Jeon, I would suggest you control your sexual urges towards your husband by trying to remove yourself from the room he’s in. Considering he doesn’t sleep with you, but if he does-“ but you cut her sentence in the middle by whispering quickly in his defense.

“No-no he doesn't, he sleeps outside in the lobby.” You shake your head not making eye contact, feeling somehow guilty of your husband's daily discomfort.

“And it's completely okay, Mrs. Jeon, to have your space and have some distance. It doesn't make you a bad person.”

Damn, she is good. You need to give her great ratings. You look up at her and watch as she nods her head with a small smile making you feel at ease.

“Did you talk about this issue with Mr. Jeon?” She asks you, and you shake your head slightly. Why do you feel guilty, and what do you feel guilty of most importantly? Nodding to your reaction, she says, “Would you like to discuss why?”

“Would that even change anything?” You say with a huff a second after she finishes her sentence, frustration evident on your face.

Shrugging she says, “It might make things clearer..” her eyes slowly crinkled due to her hair falling in her eyes. Flicking it away she looks at you slightly tilting her head. “Isn't this what you chose, Mrs Jeon? Being honest is what your relationship needs at this point, isn’t it?

Sighing you realize how you might be running away from things, after all, you chose this journey. You both did and somehow you feel you might be turning into an obstacle towards a better family life, yourself.

Turning your head towards the plant in the room’s corner, you speak with a distant voice, “I don't know, All that I have gathered from the problems I have had in my life is that I could win any kind of battle if it were against my mind but if it's my heart I am fighting against? It's a fucking lost cause.”

“What do you think is the reason you would be fighting your heart, Mrs jeon?”

You scoff whipping your head towards her, eyes glistening. Digging your nails before saying what you feel just on the tip of your tongue,

“I love him.”

There's a pause, followed by your therapist humming.

“I love him so much I wanna forgive him and try to make things better but..”

“But..?”

Another pause. A suffocating one.

“I can't seem to do that to myself or my kid. What kind of an example would I be if I give in to something that's not right?!” After you notice how your expressions change into a frustrated scowl in the tiny mirror behind your therapist's head you feel your tears start to fall off.

“I am sorry.” You say sniffling and somehow embarrassed of your feelings taking over you.

“It's okay, Mrs. Jeon, here..” she offered you the tissue kept on her desk, and you wiped your tears chuckling at your situation.

How did your life get to where it was? You have no absolute fucking clue.

♡♡♡

You wince minutely when you reminisce how your last session went with Ms. Shin.

One moment you were crying because you can't forget the night he told you that he cheated on you and one moment you cried because you wanna hug him and then cry into his chest about how your hormones wanted you to kiss him but you can't because then you would cry about how you shouldn't be feeling like this about someone who betrayed you, then again you cry because you can't forget how he betrayed you.

It's like a frustrating cycle. A cycle you wanna throw off of a freaking dam to let it drown and maybe rust when the water starts to break the metal. Maybe that would help break it because there was no way in hell you could succeed in breaking it.

Not to mention how you have to pee every minute of the day and then crave pickles with some honey on them while sitting on the toilet seat.

Sounds tasty, right? Yeah, you shake your head in a quick no too as soon as you step outside and think how pickles would rather taste better with peanut butter on it.

As you deal with your tears and the spasmodic hand stomping on the pillow or table around you to let go of the kissy-kissy thoughts in your head, your husband stays clueless.

Not clueless about the hormones, na-ah.

Just the fact that you stare at him before you slap your hand on the table, or thump down the cup on the table too harshly for anyone to not notice. He tried to ask you if you felt okay. But ended up getting yelled at for not leaving you alone.

You once yelled at him for leaving the windows open which you asked to be left open, saying he should’ve known better when to close them.

This looks cute in shows and movies of how cute the mother-to-be looks yelling at a clueless husband but you on the other hand feel bad for making him feel actually at fault when he has been trying his best to make you feel comfortable.

What does he do after getting yelled at? He apologizes, does what you asked or yelled at him to do, and leaves. He still comes back and eats the dinner your mother made with you and your dad helping her out.

You feel terrible for how you are behaving around him, the worst part being that he takes everything you do and say to him without even reacting ever so slightly. You tried living life with him normally but you can’t forget the thought that lingers in the back of your head; that the favorite part of living your life with him was the affection, the touches.

It's frustrating to say the least that you haven't even hugged him in the last few months, you know that there is a reason behind the distance but since your mind tells you to create boundaries and try things again, your heart doesn’t understand how someone could try to make things better from a distance. Especially you and Jungkook.

He did everything according to how you needed without you telling him. Your childhood therapist once told you no matter how perfect a person tried to be there are certain situations where you can’t control the things the universe decides for you. She said that when you were having trouble accepting that you were the reason one of your ex-best friends changed schools, stating that you made her feel insecure. You had no idea.

So you accepted your fate, then and now as well. Doing things as they go in the flow. You had a discussion with your parents about how you are supposed to be having dinner with Jungkook as advised by your therapist so your mom and dad eat their dinner by 7 o’clock as advised by their doctors while you accompany them by having your soup or tea.

They thought it was a good idea so you agreed to do it.

By 9 o’clock or quarter to 9 Jungkook enters and you have your dinner and the discussion you are supposed to have about the baby.

It has been 15 minutes since your mom and dad went to their room after insisting on sitting with you while you wait for Jungkook to be back. You have your phone in your hand which starts to buzz with Jungkook’s name on the screen with the bunny emoji.

Picking up with a smile you answer to his voice.

God, you missed him.

Yep, you said it.

Picking up he seems like he is on the way and is trying to get his phone back from someone. “Hyung give me my phone back, hold his hands Yoongi hyung, hey-!” yes he was snatching his phone back.

You can hear a bunch of yelling noises in the background and you recognize the screaming voice immediately, Jimin. You shake your head at the chaos and smile putting a grape in your mouth.

“Hey, Y/N I am sorry I am a little late, I just wanted to ask if it's okay with me to bring Jimin and Yoongi Hyung over to your parent's house we have a bit of a situation on our hands.”

“Yeah, of course, kook, it's okay. Is everything okay though?”

Silence.

“Hello?”

“What did you call me?”

Your eyes widen at how you didn't even realize how normal this felt to you. You haven't called him Kook ever since you cried in his car after your first therapy session, always walking on eggshells.

“Y/N?”

Courage. Squeezing your fist and eyes shut you say,

“I called you k-kook. Is that not okay?”

Your leg starts to shake not knowing what to say next.

“No! Fuck, I mean it's more than okay. You know what? Let's not talk about it I don't wanna jinx it.” You can hear him smile and you can't help but widen your smile. It has been so long since you smiled this wide and you somehow feel better.

You repeat the words in your head, Don't feel guilty Y/N, go with it. Go with the flow. Cut yourself some slack. You’re going through a lot, be easy on yourself.

You smile and hear him chuckle before-

“Oh, no hyung not in my car ugh, we’ll be there in 5 minutes Y/N, I’ll reheat the food when I get there don't worry. Yoongi Hyung push his head out the window please-” And he hangs up.

Smiling at the chaotic phone call, you get up to check on your mom and dad if they are still up, wanting to tell them about the guests coming over. But since they were soundly asleep with the nightlights on, you switch them off, regulate the fan's speed, and take the phone from your sleeping-snoring mom’s hand plugging it to the charger and checking if they had water around them.

After checking up on your parents you close the door to their room and walk towards the kitchen to drink some water. Even the small activities could make a pregnant lady tired and the jug in your room was empty so you walked slowly towards the fridge. The pain getting better but still evident in your lower back which makes you put a hand on your back while you open the refrigerator.

Suddenly you spot a Harley bike model Jungkook gifted your father when he came home to meet your parents for the first time. Your father was really happy seeing the model, him being a Harley fan. If age didn't play a role in life your father would've still been traveling with your mom like those couples you saw in uni.

You remember how you and Jungkook loved to travel on his bike, you holding onto him as if your life depended on it, hair flowing from under the helmet and him accelerating the bike through the streets, hills, and empty roads leading to the cabin the whole group planned to visit during his and Namjoon’s collective birthday celebration.

Damn, you were so in love. Still are, and will probably always be.

The group has always been there for you, they're like the family you never knew you needed until they came into your life. The chaos was a part of your life, the screams, the teasing, the weekend game nights, the celebrations, movie nights which turned into everybody and their girlfriends crashing in the lobby on the mattresses Jungkook bought for the night stays.

You remember what the situation was when you met him for the first time six years ago.

♡♡♡

“Damnit Tae, jump outta here.” You argue with Taehyung as the three of you look out the window of your room.

“Fuck no. Are you mental? I’ll die if I jump out of here.” Taehyung says whisper yelling at your roommate, Aeri, who rolls her eyes at her dramatic “friend” panicking with wide eyes.

“No, you won't, don’t be dramatic.” You scoff as you push him slightly in the windows direction.

“It's a whole ass floor Y/N, the fuck is wrong with you?” He scowls at you as he regains balance panicking.

“Maybe we should call Jungkook.”

“Jungkook? Jeon Jungkook with that loud-ass bike? Nice. Sneaking a boy out of our room with the help of another boy. Fan-fucking-tastic, Taehyung.” You clap two times with a straight face.

“Guys,” your friend giggles as she tries to focus on the main topic in the room, while Taehyung goes back to sit on your roommate’s bed.

“I think he is right, Y/N, we could at least get help from JK.”

“Mhm, help in getting kicked out.” You mumble not so quietly earning yourself a middle finger from Taehyung and an eyeroll from Aeri.

“Fine, do whatever you want.” You say rolling your eyes.

The thing was you were only partly nervous because of your forced eviction but also because you had never met Jungkook, the campus crush. More like the crush of every girl who saw him on his bike. You were not one of them, at least you wouldn't admit that but you wouldn't deny that he was a pretty face to look at and a very hot piece of ass to stare at. The proportions of that man were totally insane.

Tiny waist, big- biteable chest, broad shoulders, thick thighs, luscious hair locks, biceps people could hang on, the all-black outfit, and the very contrasting facial features. If he wore a helmet people wouldn't imagine how the guy had big doe boba eyes and a cute mole under his lips, skin better than half of the girls who spent so much on products. He always had that glint in his eyes making him seem so innocent, innocent but with a physique that can crush people.

You never talked to him so you don't know how he sounds or if he is a rude person. You just know he is Taehyung’s friend whom he hangs out with around the campus.

While you thought about how Jungkook might or might not be your crush, Taehyung called him and you all got up to sneak him out of the house.

“Wait you don't need to come if you don't want to Y/N,” Aera said after looking around the hallways and telling Taehyung to tiptoe downstairs since her aunt’s room was on the same floor as yours.

“H-Huh? N-no I wanna go as well. So that if she wakes up I can tell her we both went out to get some fresh air while the guys ran away y-you know? “

You said. Terrible at lying. You wanted to see the man coming to save his friend.

Your friend was in a hurry sneaking her fuck buddy out so she didn't pay attention to what you said and how you said it. A total stuttering mess.

Walking out of the house you never imagined him to be so..so..so tasty. Thats the only words that come to your mind. He parked his bike at a safe distance because of how much noise it made and approached you guys.

The image in your hand was like the 480p version of how beautiful and ethereal he was but in reality, he had tattoos. Tattoos! Not even a small one, a whole arm that stretched inside his white sleeveless tee.

You thanked the cloth gods for making this particular article of clothing because you needed to see how hot men you would want to eat up looked in it.

“Told you, you would need my help.” He smirks as Taehyung walks past him only turning around to come back and give Aera a quick kiss and then running away again, making her blush.

“Run dumbass, their landlord would skewer us on her cane,” Taehyung says and you chuckle at how exaggerated he made Aera’s aunt sound. At your chuckle, Jungkook looks at you and you pause mid-laugh when you notice him looking at you.

“Hi, I’m Jungkook.” He extends his hand towards you and you blush not knowing how to respond to his raspy voice.

“Yeah, I know you.” You say staring at him with heat on your cheeks and immediately kick yourself mentally.

You sound like a fucking creep. I know you? seriously?

He smiles, “..and you are..?

“Oh I’m so sorry, I didn't mean to be rude I’m Y/N, Hi heh.” You extend your hand to shake his and he whispers your name under his breath eyes still looking into yours.

“Hi Y/N, you’re very pretty.” While he rubs his thumb on your already heating skin making it burst into flames as he rubs it again.

“Kook!” Taehyung yells and you break the eye contact, taking your hand back.

“It's okay don't be sorry, I didn't find you rude rather, I found you cute.” He says as you look at him again. You think it was an imagination of your beauty-struck head or maybe it was due to dark but..did he just check you out?

You give him a confused look at what he said, making him chuckle. He sounds so deliciously hot and raspy. God.

“That you know who I am, considering how you’re always in the art studio. I found it cute.” He says with a smile leaning slightly towards your face and you lean back at the same time he leans in. He stays towering over you and maybe notices your expressions. You just hope he didn't notice how red your cheeks might be.

Does he know about the art studio? Only people close to you knew about it.

Seeing your wide eyes, he straightens up to his original height and chuckles. He sounds so good, it reaches inside you and you knew that you were fucked.

“Kook?” You didn't even notice when Taehyung came back to drag his friend back. Slapping his shoulder and then sprinting towards the bike again.

“Kook, let's go. She switched on some kind of light in her room oh god. She’ll beat your and my asses collectively.” Taehyung yells waving his friends over.

“Hey we’re gonna be in the beat party as well, Y/N lets go,” Aera speaks from the driveway of her aunt's house, slowly retrieving her steps.

But you were stuck. Stuck on how his bunny teeth played with the piercing on his lips. Not being able to bear eye contact with him, you flicked your eyes away.

When Taehyung yelled again from a distance, Jungkook responded with a ‘yea yea coming’ while stepping backward with his white sleeveless tee sticking to his body.

Generally, you didn't like summers but you were so glad it was hot enough that he decided to wear a sleeveless outfit, for you to ogle his tattoos.

Taehyung and Aera are already away from the both of you, Taehyung at a safer distance from the house and Aera still waiting for you at the house hoping her aunt just woke up for her nightly washroom trips and didn't see you guys with these beautiful men.

With a smile on his face, he stepped back facing you. Clicking his tongue twice to get your attention, you looked at him to immediately regret locking eyes with him. He winked at you and said, “See you around, sweetheart.”

You swear you saw his eyes flitting to your lips and then to your skirt that was flowing with the slight wind in the surroundings before he turned around and ran towards his panicking friend.

You knew he was casually flirting and was out of your league. And since you didn't believe your luck would suddenly turn out to be on your side you didn't think of his wink as something more than something casual.

But goddamnit, the crush you never admitted to, was finally admitted in your heart.

♡♡♡

You smile as you pick the model in your hand at the fond memories of how you tried so hard to remain just friends with the guy even though he hung out with you daily, accompanied you in your art studio confirming he knew about you before meeting you. You never knew your friendship could be more than what it was but maybe growing up and getting jobs made you want to prioritize yourself and your wants, so you decided to tell him how you felt but he beat you to it three days before you planned on confessing.

“Sorry sweetheart, wanted to kiss you as my girlfriend on Valentine's Day without the fear of rejection in the back of my brain.” That's what he said before he kissed the living daylights out of you on the gazebo at your favorite park.

You smile remembering how he took you to the park saying the cherry blossoms were blooming early that year, you believed him nodding with excitement and you went along with him running and holding hands. Reaching there you were sad that no blossoms were blooming but then he gave you the promise ring he ordered from the vintage store you loved so much. You knew it cost him a lot but when you asked him about it he just chuckled deeply avoiding that question and before you could pick that topic again he kneeled on one knee and asked you to be his girlfriend officially.

You smile at the memories and keep the bike model back on the shelf, the flashback coming to a halt as you come back to the living room when your phone buzzes with your husband's name on it.

He didn't ring the doorbell nowadays to be cautious in case your parents were asleep. So you went to the door and opened it already expecting Jimin leaning on Jungkook’s shoulders while Yoongi just snickered at his younger brother, seeming unconscious but Jimin was very much awake, also very very drunk as he clung to Yoongi telling him everything was going to be okay. Jungkook held three bags as he gave you a sheepish smile at his Hyungs’ behavior.

“Yes, Yes, Jimin. It's gonna be okay.” Yoongi held Jimin very firmly while giving you a small smile before asking where to put him so that he could blubber nonsense somewhere your neighbors wouldn't hear.

Jungkook chuckles and leads them to the guest room while muttering a ‘hi’, looking at you from head to toe as if checking if you had any injuries.

“Hi,” you whisper, enough for him to catch your voice.

“How was your day?” You ask trying to take the bags from his hand but he tilts his body giving you a look that says ‘Really?’.

Sighing with a smile, you close the door and follow him inside.

“It was good- Oh shit the guest room door is locked. Wait hyung let me get the key” he put the bags on the counter while a grunting Yoongi held a wobbly Jimin in his hands.

“Wow realized it so soon,” Yoongi says sarcastically l as Jimin looks at you with a smile on his face. Gasping dramatically, he removes himself from his brother's shoulders and comes towards you, slightly tilted, but he somehow reaches you.

“I can see your baby.” Your eyes widen at what he said and you scoff a laugh as Jimin kneels down in front of your belly.

“He means you’re showing, and he is noticing that now, only, he sounds creepy as fuck.” Yoongi walks back to the sofa and sits down with a long sigh.

“May I please?” He says as hovers his hands over your belly with big puppy eyes and you chuckle at how patiently he wants you to answer.

“Yes, Jimin you may.” You say with a laugh and he whispers to your tummy hovering his hand above it like it's a crystal ball.

“Hi tiny person, I am Jimin, your godfather..” he giggles at the end of his sentence while you hear Yoongi chuckle from the couch.

“The fuck? When did we decide that hyung?” Jungkook stands next to you with keys hanging from his fingers, narrowed gaze focused on his elder brother.

“Shhhhhh” Jimin shushes Jungkook loudly almost spitting on your belly. You laugh as he looks pointedly at Jungkook.

“You don’t get to decide that. Dumbass.” Jimin slurs out and tries to get up grabbing the trousers Jungkook wore, almost making him fall over with his weight.

“Hyung, fuck you’re heavy when drunk.”

“I fucking know right? I don’t know how that happens..” Yoongi mumbles typing something on his phone, stretching his neck sideways to pop the strained muscle.

Jungkook stumbles while you also try to help him balance Jimin by bending slightly to keep a hand on his shoulders, but then you remove it as Jungkook whispers ‘I got him I got him’ assuringly not wanting you to take any strain.

Smiling to yourself you walk over to the couch adjacent to where Yoongi was sitting, asking if he needed water or anything like that.

“Nah I’m good. Thanks.” He waves his hand as he keeps his phone aside watching how Jungkook manages to drag Jimin back.

“...You’ll look good in a tutu as well..” Jimin says to Jungkook poking a finger to his sides continuously. “You know a white one with stars on it, I’ll gift it to the baby so that you can match your outfits then” Jungkook rolls his eyes in annoyance as Jimin’s voice fades into the guest room Jungkook opens for him to sleep in.

“Let me go check up on him yeah?” Yoongi says softly getting up from the couch, picking up a banana on the way to the guest room. Raising one of his brows and the fruit in the air as if asking for permission to eat it. You tilt your head with narrowed eyes passing on the message, ‘You have to ask?’

He smiles slightly shrugging and heads towards the guest room while pealing the banana.

“Jungkook, is he under control now or still wobbly- oh, fuck no-“ Yoongi asks from outside of the room but then pauses in his tracks as you hear Jungkook whine slightly out of disgust and you immediately get up feeling a slight ache in your lower back due to the hurry.

“Is everything okay?” You ask concern evident in your eyes.

Yoongi chuckles and moves away from the door, shaking his head. “Not gonna eat this now, sorry, Y/N.” He says, still laughing.

“Oh no did he-“Before you could say something Jungkook stomps his way out of the guest room and you immediately feel nausea entering you seeing your husband's sleeve covered in vomit.

“Hyung could you please help me heat the food? I’m gonna go take a shower, sorry hyungie just please-“ he continues walking towards the common bathroom at the end of the hall.

“Sure” Yoongi chuckles moving towards the fridge.

“I’ll help you..” you take a step towards the crockery cupboard.

“No, I’m fine. I’ll do it, you sit.” He says pausing you midway.

“No Yoongi lemme help..” you say but he just points the small spoon towards the island chair.

“It's okay Y/N I’ll do it.” He says nodding while opening the Tupperware filled with the various side dishes and the tofu-miso stew.

“I just don't wanna trouble you Yoongi, thanks though.” You say giving up on offering help as he heats the food one by one in the microwave.

“Oh it's not for free, I am taking the godfather’s title in exchange for this.” He smirks glancing at the room Jimin slept in.

“Yeah okay, try beating Jimin for the title. You chuckle looking in the same direction for a second and then at the man heating up the food. While he just gives you a small laugh while warming up the rice in the cooker, mumbling, “We’ll see who wins.”

You smile and pat your feet on the ground in a rhythm as Yoongi places the food on the kitchen island. You feel guilty for making him do this but he has already rejected your help three times so there was no point in arguing over it.

“Y/N?” Yoongi whispers looking at a plate in his hand.

“Yea?”

“I know it's none of my business and I should not even say something about this but can I just say it's really nice that you’re trying again?” He says lifting his head to look at your reaction to what he said.

You feel yourself freeze, this is the first time you had a conversation about your situation with Jungkook, the cheating, and the decision to try again. You sure talked about the pregnancy and yes there was always that lingering awkwardness in the air but this was new.

“Yea..” you sigh looking at your lap for a second and then lifting your head to give him a soft smile.

“Not everyone is lucky enough to get a chance to revive their relationship.” He says still looking at the plate while tracing the pattern on it with his index finger.

You know that his relationship ended badly, you knew how much he loved his girlfriend, you know he acts like it's okay but his dark circles tell another story, you know he looks thin and exhausted all the time but acts like it's nothing.

You know it's not nothing.

“Yoongi, I am sorry about-“But before you could finish your sentence he laughs almost in pain.

“It's okay Y/N, it's done, she is gone. She is happy without me and I can't change that.” He says and you feel your heart break at how small he sounds.

“It sucks but it's true.” He says softly, half to you half to himself, still trying to process his grief over the relationship he lost. After an uncomfortable pause, he continues.

“I saw him Y/N,” he points his chin in the direction of the washroom Jungkook was taking a shower in when you look at him confused at the change of topic.

“..and don't think I am taking his side 'cause he is like a brother to me but I say this honestly, he was devastated while he was away from you.” You just stare at him with eyes round and wide not expecting this conversation to go this way.

“He forgot to eat and sleep, just kept asking Jin Hyung and me if we saw you or if any other of guys saw you.” He says while you look at him nervously talking about the topic, picking his nails.

“Do you remember the time you were at the hospital due to your abdominal pain?” You nod at his question feeling your throat tighten up uncomfortably so you divert your gaze down at the plate with little blue flowers printed on the ceramic.

“He ran to the hospital since his car was still parked at your previous address.” Your eyes widen and you whip your head toward the man standing in front of you.

What does he mean he ran?

“What?” You whisper.

“Taehyung had a night shift and he was alone at the apartment. I tried to tell him to wait for me to pick him up when he called to ask if Taehyung left office or not, but he just hung up saying it would take too long.”

“So he ran to you.” You feel your throat tighten as humanly possible, eyes burning.

Wasn’t Taehyung’s house almost double times the way compared to your route connecting your house to the hospital? You can't even comprehend how he felt when you didn't even talk to him that day.

Shouldn’t you feel like he deserved to feel like that? Shouldn't you say that he did that to himself? That was what you should've said right? But your heart thumps harder every second making your eyes spill the tears gathering in them.

You remember Jungkook was really out of breath and was also wearing different slippers that day.

“Since it was pretty late, he couldn't even book a cab quickly..” Yoongi looks at you and notices how your gaze is zeroed onto him and immediately understands your expressions.

“Hey, I am not trying to make you feel bad or something like that, what he did and what you guys decided is totally none of my business but I just wanted to tell you that giving a second chance is not easy and I really wish things work out for your relationship. I really appreciate you both working through so much stress you know? I can see what his vision meant when he wanted to quit last month.”

“What?” You whisper

“No no, he doesn't want to quit now, I mean after what you both decided Namjoon talked to Mr. Park and handled it..” when Yoongi doesn’t see you respond to whatever he said he realizes that you look lost.

“You don't know, do you?”

“Don't know what?” You whisper again, heart racing. Why do you feel you're not gonna like what he is gonna say?

There is a pause, a very uncomfortable pause. He visibly scans your face and inhales sharply as if deciding against or in favor of telling you about the whole situation.

You clench your pajama pants into your fists as your hand rests on your lap. The kitchen felt stuffy all of a sudden. This might seem like an overreaction but your body feels defensive all of a sudden, deciding between running away or ripping the bandaid off.

Deciding on the latter you ask,

“Yoongi, please tell me?” You request softly and at your almost inaudible request, Yoongi sighs, giving up. He shuts his eyes for a second and then looks up smiling sadly at you.

You hold your breath.

“Um, he was promoted to be the next VP of the agency, and uh..” he rubs the back of his neck looking away, avoiding the eye contact with you.

“And he rejected it?” You whisper and Yoongi nods, still not looking at you.

“The job required him to give more time into his job, more hours away from home. From you and her.” He looks at you and then points his chin in your tummy’s direction.

“So when they told him the details about the hours and the business trips, he immediately refused. Since he was the most eligible person for the job, the CEO, Mr Park..” he says,

“Mr. Park.” You say at the same time nodding.

“Yes, Mr. Park tried convincing him saying he’ll adjust according to your due date and whatever changes Kook would want to his schedule but this kid..” Yoongi chuckles shaking his head, “..rejected it, saying if he had to quit the job he would do it but he would not add onto whatever hours he was working.”

“Then suddenly..” Yoongi picks up a tangerine from the fruit bowl and starts peeling it.

“He came up with an idea of actually quitting in order to give more time to you and your child, so when Namjoon said and I quote, ‘Y/N is gonna kill you if you do that, she knows how much you worked for this’ Jungkook said that you both decided mutually that rejecting the promotion was okay and you were okay with whatever he decided about his job. Which…looking at you right now doesn't seem like it.” Yoongi looks at you with a hesitant expression, offering you the peeled fruit.

You feel your ears heat up and not out of good reason, you are actually mad at him. You were hearing all of this for the first time and you can't believe he backed off from the job he got offered after working so hard. The reason he used to work his ass off, extra time, no holidays, always punctual, not caring about his meals and whatnot, and then just fucking backed off?

"When was this?" You say gritting your teeth, eyes glistening with angry tears, eyes still on Yoongi.

You take the piece of fruit from his hand and shove it in your mouth, eyes red with tears in them.

“Y/N..”

“Why didn't he tell me? And wait a minute he said it was a mutual decision?! What the hell?”

“Y/N, he must have had a reason for saying so, he did explain the reasons and it sounded like he gave it a lot of thought. “

“Don’t you mean WE gave it a lot of thought? hah.” You say chuckling bitterly, swallowing the fruit, your hand going through your hair in frustration as you face the direction where your husband showers unaware of the angry volcano on the other side of the bathroom door.

“What the hell is wrong with him?!” You almost scream but lower your voice remembering your parents are asleep, immediately looking around warily and Yoongi does the same, with similar expressions on his face.

“Sorry, I just feel so mad right now.” You say squeezing your eyes shut, speaking through your teeth.

“I guess you should talk to him,” he says looking at you softly.

“You’re damn right I will-“ you say

“But not now, privately, okay?”

You look at him breathing heavily, cheeks wet with tears, his eyes pleading to not lose your calm immediately. You look at his anger and countless emotions swirling in your mind, nose flaring.

“Ah, okay fine.” You say throwing your hands in frustration, coming back to wipe the tears off your cheeks.

The next few minutes Yoongi tried not to talk about anything and you just swirled your spoon in the spoon Yoongi served for you. He constantly made sure you were sipping the soup, giving you water, and peeling another tangerine for you.

He almost sighed in relief when the bathroom door clicked open and Jungkook came out of the washroom. The steam rushed out of the white-tiled space along with a drippy Jungkook and a goddamned towel around his waist.

You feel madder now. Is that even a word? You don't care because that's how you feel. Madder.

Remember when you said how your emotions were on a roll these days? Yea. It was an understatement because the moment you saw your husband with that damned towel hanging low on his hips your anger turned into angry horniness, you wished, only for a second, but wished Yoongi wasn't here so that you could straddle the half-naked guy and ask him about the stupid decision he made.

Although Jungkook had immediately rushed into the room to get some clothes on him it was enough to make your ovaries light up on fire. You're mad and horny, two things that don't go well for you. Especially not in this state.

"Hey guys I am sorry, I had to wash off all that puke stench. Why didn't you guys start eating yet?"

"I don't know maybe you took very long to shower." You snap at your husband and he freezes in his tracks to get the plate.

"Y/N, I was there for only 10 mins."

“I don't know, felt like 10 years."aAt your tone Jungkook looks at you concerned and then at Yoongi who watches awkwardly, the whole scene unfolding in front of him.

"Guys you know what I think I am gonna head home, I have eaten with Jimin earlier and need sleep."

“No- yoongi eat please-“ you request feeling guilty for making him awkward.

“Yes hyung, please finish your dinner.” Jungkook says, looking at his hyung but then flicking his gaze back at you.

“No no its really okay.” Yoongi says, already walking away from the island.

"Okay, hyung." He says after a second his eyes wandering back to you observing your sour mood. Eyebrows furrowed with thought while you just chewed on the rice mixed with the curry not looking at Jungkook after waving to Yoongi.

Yoongi walks towards the doorway with slow steps, the footsteps echoing along with the tinkled spoon made inside the curry bowl. He grabs the keys and walks towards the two of you, giving you a nod and patting Jungkook’s back.

"Take care Y/N and you too, kook." He stares two seconds longer at the younger male and then nods at him. Jungkook gets up halfway to which Yoongi waves in a signal for Jungkook to not bother seeing him off.

The door clicks shut leaving you and Jungkook in silence.

"Y/N wha-"

"Eat, Jungkook."

At your stern tone, Jungkook flinches and just resumes eating in silence. Silence for almost 10 minutes. 10 slow and irritating minutes. It was like the clock ticked 10 seconds forward and then 40 seconds backward. The silence added to the awkwardness you both felt, making the time more unbearable.

Again, did you mention slow?

All the thoughts come back to your mind, every emotion holding your neck in a chokehold, everything that you’ve felt since the day started comes back. The conversation with your mom about how she asked you if you wanted to move back in with ever, you thought your mom wanted you to leave so you cried. All the emotions you felt then catching up to you.

The thoughts of being alone with him made you happy and cry at the same time in the afternoon while you finished working on the report your seniors asked you to finish before your leave started. You feel all the emotions you felt while rewatching the notebook in the evening before dinner. You feel all the emotions at once, those emotions which you felt when Jungkook called you from his car and, also when he called you from his office to check if you had your medicine.

The emotions of frustration and anger when Yoongi told you about the job offer and how your husband rejected it. The thoughts about something bad happening to your child come back and make your head dizzy. It's too much at the same time. You're happy that he is eating his food in silence because if he did say anything before you finish, you might actually run to the bathroom to vomit all of your emotions.

After minutes of frustration and anger and sadness and silence, you finally got up and almost threw the plate in the sink, Jungkook tried to get your plate but you just brushed past him huffing finally making Jungkook ask you the question you didn't want to hear and hear at the same time.

You wanted to talk to him about the whole thing and didn't at the same time. You were on an emotional rollercoaster, and Jungkook was gonna be the bird that hit the coaster blades, getting hurt.

"Y/N did I do something wrong?"

"Oh, do you do anything right these days Jungkook? I don't think so." You chuckle throwing the glass of water into the sink thankfully not breaking it.

Turning towards your husband, you immediately regret saying what you said because he just looks like a kicked puppy. Big eyes filled with gloss, nose red, and wobbly chin. His features make you feel like the worst human being on this planet.

"Y/N, I am sorry for whatever it is but can you tell me what's wrong?" He whispers looking- no, pleading with his eyes as you stand like a wall in front of him.

"You tell me, did you do anything to make me feel stupid and pathetic recently?" You say pointedly. Venom. Pure venom.

"Baby.."

"Don’t. Don't call me that." You say firmly.

"Shit- I am sorry Y/N please tell me what happened..wait-" You push yourself away from the counter instantly feeling the pain in your lower back.

“Bab- Y/N wait.” He rushes to your side holding one of your hands and one holding your waist, giving you support but somehow his touch stings, in the best way. You hate your mind and heart. You just hate it.

“No, I can walk myself I am not a toddler.” He doesn't let go of your hand even though you tell him to, he helps you walk towards your room. You try to tell him that you can walk alone but he doesn't listen instead he just hums or mutters 'I know' and it infuriates you more.

Why isn’t he saying anything? You’re literally acting like a spoiled kid right now.

Opening the door he walks you inside the room and helps you sit on the bed. As you take heavy breaths placing a hand on your chest you feel how rapidly your heart raced.

Removing the lid of the glass sitting on your nightstand, he helps you sip some of the liquid. You feel tears in your eyes and when he removes the glass from your lips he just smiles sadly at you and wipes the tears from your face with his thumb.

Leaning into his touch you say, "Why are you okay with me being like this to you?"

Okay, that's a dumb question ask Jeon Y/N, you're mad at him but just looking at him you feel like you are treating him like shit for something he doesn't deserve. Of course, he cheated on you, of course, you want to not love him because of that, and of course, your heart aches when you think of the betrayal but can you ever unlove him? Can you ever hurt him knowing you're gonna hurt him and not feel bad? Can you ever just look at him and feel nothing for him? Can you ever not love him?

Your head feels buzzed and when he speaks and your anger explodes.

"I deserve it, baby." You scrunch his t-shirt in your hand and pull him towards you, making him almost fall on you but he regains his balance by placing one of his hands on the comforter. With wide eyes, he just stares at you and the way your eyes brim with fresh tears. He tilts his head as if feeling guilty for the tears but you don't let him say anything.

"Why?" At this he looks at you confused.

The other tattooed hand finds its way on top of your wrist holding his t-shirt and you feel your sanity fly away for a second but at his confused expression, you feel your anger come back.

"Y/N what-" he sputters with big eyes

"Why did you reject the job offer?" you finally say.

Pin. Drop. Silence.

"What?" he breathes out.

"You think you can make that big of a decision by yourself? " you say sniffling.

"How did you-"

"How did I know? How about, why didn't I know?" You raise your voice slightly, and he shuts the door so that your parents don't get their sleep interrupted, tilting slightly towards the entrance, your bed not being that far from the door.

"Y/N I am sorr-" you cut him off mid sentence.

"Sorry? How many things are gonna be okay just because you apologize Jungkook?! It was your dream, you worked so hard for it.." you say feeling tears spill out of your eyes and when he just looks down at your lap with his lips twisted in a straight line guiltily, you can't help but yell at him a bit, "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

You didn't realize when your hand shifted from the t-shirt's neckline to his neck. You realize that only when his eyes shut for a second at the feeling of your hands on his face, the other hand coming to sit on top of the comforter on the other side of your body. Holding onto his face you asked him the question with big teary eyes, wet cheeks, and a wobbly chin.

"Tell me, kook?"

Sighing he answers, "Baby, they wanted me to go away."

"Don't lie to me, Jungkook, please. Yoongi told me they were ready to fix the schedule according to you -"

"And you think they were gonna do that for me forever?" He asks.

"Why did you say that I agreed then? Why did you lie? Why didn't you come talk to me? Do you think I wouldn't have understood or that you think it's not important for me to know?"

"Would you have let me quit if I wanted to?" He asked instantly.

You pause. Dammit.

"You see? That's why I didn't tell you. You're already handling so many responsibilities, I didn't wanna worry you more." He says, eyes turning soft.

You look at him. Eyes looking at him trying to find dishonesty, the thing was, Jungkook doesn't lie. Even after he did what he did, he came out to you truthfully. It hurt but you're where you are because he was honest. It's the bare minimum, honesty, but its rare. At least in your experience. But not with Jungkook. He can't lie.

"They were willing to change my schedule for me only until she is born.." he says looking at your tummy and then lifting his eyes to look at you.

"..I can't risk being away from you again. It might sound like I am lying but Y/N, baby, I don't wanna be away from you even for a single second. I wanna prove myself to be worthy of a second chance. I wanna be worthy of you and her. I can’t imagine my life even for a second without you or her. You can push me all you want, you can yell at me all you want but don't tell me that I should've chosen a job and not my family. I know I don’t have an answer for why I did what.." he pauses gulps and continues.

"...I did, I myself don't know why I did it, and trust me if I could turn back the time I would. But baby..." he puts his hand on yours that is resting on his cheek waiting for a second, barely visible, but he waits for some kind of negative reaction to him touching you. When he senses none, he continues,

"...I love you, and I will love you for my whole life, I will love you and my family until I breathe. I am so sorry for fucking things up but I want to fix them, I can fix them, we will fix it. Just don't please.." he squeezes his eyes shut slightly squeezing your hand as well.

"... don't ask me to go away from you. I can't live away from you. I would quit my job if that's what it takes to be with my family, to take care of my family, to take care of you, and to take care of us. Please tell me I can be with you, can you please tell me you don’t want me to go away? Pleas- “

You tell him exactly that, but not verbally because wasn’t it ironic how he feels sorry for not knowing why he did what he did when you don't even think of any second thoughts before you do what you do, without knowing why.

Lips crashing on his, you shut him up with an answer you feel him absorbing inside him. He freezes when you kiss him, his breath stuttering when you move your lips against him. You squeeze his t-shirt in desperate need, and you feel him flutter his eyelids against your cheekbones, your tears mixing with his, and he kisses you back.

Does it last? Does your happiness last? No.

As soon as he moves his lips, you hear him sniffle and break the kiss. His eyes are still red, and his cheeks are slightly wet as well. He sniffles again, but the only sound you can hear is your heartbreaking because he moves away.

Away from the bed. Away from the comforter. Away from the kiss. Away from you.

He gets up and takes a step back, shaking his head, eyes squeezed shut. He curses under his breath as if regaining his composure while you just stare at the space where he was sitting earlier.

“I- I am sorry, Y/N. I shouldn't, I can't. I am really sorry, I shouldn't. I just shouldn't. I am sorry.”

And he leaves the room, shutting the door, not completely but leaving it slightly ajar. It's just like he does always. You hear the kitchen tap opening. He probably is doing the dishes. You hear everything from outside the door, but you feel like there's radio silence in your room.

A low beep-like sound ringing in your ears, embarrassment? Hurt? Love? Anger? Betrayal? Pain? Need? Desire? You feel so much at once, and you don't know what to do with it. This is getting so much more fucked and somehow you both find new ways to make this way tougher than anyone can imagine.

After some time, you hear the lights outside click off, and you can't help but wish he came to you. He does, but only to keep a fresh glass of water on the nightstand. He wishes you good night in a whisper, glancing once at your face and then,

...leaves.

Well, shit.

___________________________________________

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[inalignment]

HEALTHY GURL TIPS

Tip 1: Be uncomfortable with being comfortable

Think of the big WHY you are trying or wanting to grow and evolve. Reflect on the current routine you have, does it lack alignment? does it make you feel fulfilled? if not its time to sit down and check out what you feel will make you grow, hence why it is important to try not to stick always to the same old until you find out what makes you shine. Don't be afraid of trying new things to get you of your stagnant and comfortable state. Try a new workout, try a new recipe, try a new hobby, try a different routine, wake up earlier even though you've never done that before try it for a week and push the time earlier day by day 7:30 one day the next 6:30,6:00am and so on.

Tip 2: Stop throwing your day away

This can mean different ways to different people, but this is mostly to say that even though perhaps you didn't start the day as productive as you'd like it to be doesn't mean the rest of the day has to be that way. Forgive yourself and try again, regardless if you woke up at 6am and scrolled till 12 or if you didn't do anything until 1pm, you can restart your day anytime, 1 small error shouldn't count for the rest of the day

Tip 3 : Balanceeeee!!!

I cannot stress this enough, trying to be strict all the time with yourself will only make things worse in the long run, take rest days, have cheat days, have that fast food a couple times a week. Not every single goal of yours will seamlessly align with your life. Balance is everything in your journey.

Tip 4 : Start Walking

So so important to not only get fresh air and sun but also for your health to get your body moving. Start super slow you will eventually get better at it, get some headphones, put some music on and get going, i personally aim for 10k steps a day but even 7-8k is good! Even better if you listen to a good podcast, to learn and get endorphins for the day.

Tip 5 : Be grateful for yourself & life

Be grateful for the little things. Even if at times you might not feel you are where you want to be I promise once you take note of all the things you already have then and only then will you realise how fortune you are. BE HAPPY YOU ARE ALIVE. The more grateful you are the more blessings you will receive. You should be so proud of yourself and really give yourself a pat on the back more often.

[sailorblossoms]

what if baz had pulled his shit together in fifth year and launched a surprise kiss or a confession of undying love on simon? how do you think simon would have reacted? please write another gorgeous 10k on this

I have actually wondered this, but never got far because I would think "Baz would never do that" and call it a day. I mean, the guy is rolling around with Simon, worrying about whether he can convert someone with "so much saliva" because Simon would just not get his tongue out of Baz's mouth, and he's still reluctant to open up (emotionally, not his mouth, clearly that's not an issue). He's like "Perhaps I'll kiss Simon before dying, since I'm dying anyway" and he's still not kissing him! he's like "I'm going to do it... right now... totally going to do it" and it's Simon beating him to the punch. He's like someone standing in front of a pool, contemplating jumping in, but he's just not jumping until he's literally pushed.

First of all, we can't even begin to define what Simon would do without first defining what Baz is doing.

In fact, I'm considering as I think about how to answer this... Baz notes Simon is taking his cues from him after sex (he was also taking cues during sex, and actually he goes on to do so in most aspects of their relationship) but hasn't Simon always been taking cues from Baz? I think this can tie into his lack of autonomy, his lack of understanding of his feelings, and his familiarity with hostility. He understands anger. It might be the one feeling he understands the most. So when he meets Baz, he's like "this guy hates me?? well I guess I'm gonna hate him too >:c" "he's DISGUSTED by me?? well, I think he's a creep who only has two (2) emotions! >:c") (yeah, I imagine him making that face). If something changes on Baz's end, and he externalizes it and/or communicates it to Simon (as opposed to just thinking it while giving away nothing), Simon would continue to take his cues from him as well.

However, to have Baz in 5th year, or to know that it's even an option to not see him as a villain, would probably have been too much for Simon, Too confusing. Too destabilizing. If such feelings are already too much for his 18-year-old self, what chance does 15-year-old Simon, at the height of his angsty teenage dumbasery, have? (to be clear, I don't think he's a dumbass for not understanding his feelings, or that he's one in general, I think he's a dumbass for telling everyone who would listen that Baz is a vampire. Like, what did he think it was going to happen to Baz, if he was believed? Fucking nothing, because he wasn't using his brain). (Also: part of the reason it drives me insane when people don't get Simon wasn't into Agatha is that I think Simon not being in love or attracted to her is actually crucial to explain why they get together. As in, not having those feelings [among other things] is precisely why he dated her – not feeling those things made it all feel deceptively “manageable,” even if that created other problems. His feelings for Baz are too much for him, too intense and overwhelming, hence why he's regularly losing his shit around him [unable to leave him alone] even before he identifies them.)

On the other hand... does Simon actually grow, mentally and emotionally, between 5th and 8th year? Or does he stall in a particular place until he's forced out of it, kicking and screaming, his growth only made possible once he "gets off the map" with the events of CO? I wonder this because, well. Maybe the reaction of 15-year-old Simon wouldn't be too different from how he reacts at 18. When we meet him, he's still on the same type of “delusional bullshit” he would have been at the ages he was in some of the memories he shares. He's still clinging on to the thoughts and feelings of his 11-year-old self when he should know better. Maybe it's just not possible for him to grow at all, while he still lives under the structure that allows him to not process things and to just do what he's told, until he's pretty much forced out of the structure.

And this takes us back to Baz. A confession from him would certainly murder Simon's structure. But how does Baz say it? how does he show himself? Is he vulnerable? Is he in pain? Is he letting Simon in? I mean, when Simon catches him in the catacombs, Baz gets on the offensive. He's confrontational, he's not being "clear enough" in what he's communicating to Simon, so Simon doesn't know how to react. And when Simon is lost, he defaults to the familiarity of anger. But had Baz been clear in "I'm thinking of my mom and feeling like a monster and sad and suicidal" Simon would have completely changed his tune. In some ways, it does get to some part of Simon that Baz is sad in very concerning ways, even if he doesn't get anything else, which is why he's unable to go back to the catacombs. It's why he keeps hearing that song...

Those very same elements appear again in the forest scene, and how does Simon respond? He kisses him. And when Simon kisses him, it's impossible not to realize he wants him. When he's touching him before this, it's impossible to not keep looking for way to touch him again...

I think, if Baz is ever telling him for the first time, it's a very painful and vulnerable thing. That's exactly what it is, in canon. Simon is breaking up with him and Baz, heartbroken and feeling like it doesn't matter, says "I love you." He adds something that's absolutely devastating for Simon ("I'm the first thing you ever gave up on") and leaves. If Baz is saying it in 5th year, I can perhaps picture it like that. I can't picture a Baz who is "pulling it together and giving Simon a love confession" because that's a different person and it makes the question pointless – under no circumstances is Baz pulling his shit together to just say it, he fears too much, he's too committed to "protect himself," even at his own expense. And again, Simon, who exists without processing, responds to what he picks up from him (or what he thinks he's picking up from him). We know how Simon responds to Baz letting his wall down and showing his pain and vulnerability. He kisses him. He shows up at his door, asking to be taken back, practically on his knees. I don't think 5th-year Baz would ever say it, but if he does, it's going to be a very painful thing that would leave Simon no choice but to feel. It would absolutely devastate him. Simon's exact reaction depends heavily on what's happening, but in general: he would be confused. It would likely affect his magic. He's never able to leave Baz's alone, I think he would be even less capable of leaving Baz's alone here. Like his reaction in awtwb, it might take some hours, maybe a whole day or two, and some conversations with other people for him to even get to a true reaction.

The more I think about it, the more I think "how would Simon react" isn't the right question, but how would you sustain this situation. I mean, the immediate reaction is probably just that pikachu reaction image (:O) but get him alone with Baz, and tell him he has permission to see him as anything other than an enemy, and Simon is already trying to touch him (and even before, he was trying to touch him via fighting). He goes from bumping him, to putting his hand on his shoulder, to firmly touching his back, to grabbing his hands in like... a single day. He escalates very fast. "He was just giving him magic in some of those" I mean, that just makes it gayer. Penny establishes the importance of magical compatibility between lovers and that Simon isn't a touchy person, yet here we are.

This is probably going to be a separate post, but as much as Baz is the one who figures out his feelings first, it's Simon who's climbing Baz like a tree lighting fast with practically nothing. He figures he wants Baz as he kisses him. He asks him to be his boyfriend before figuring out his feelings for Baz. He's saying he wants to and likes being boyfriends so much better than fighting, that he doesn't want to be enemies or on opposing sides at all while believing the war is still going on. I don't think Simon would respond negatively to Baz opening up to him because he literally never does. He responds negatively when Baz does the opposite as he's pulling out his thorny defenses and pushing Simon away. I don't think it would have taken long for Simon to be all over Baz (in a gay way, not in a confrontationally gay way, as he used to be during those years). I think Simon would be confused as fuck, as this would push him to ask questions about himself he wouldn't be ready for, but he's still engaging in a kissing session that lasts an entire night after thinking "I don't understand shit" isn't he? He's not ever doing that "but Baz is a villain, what if this is plot" bit when Baz is actually being vulnerable, as he would have to be to confess. I discard Simon going "Is he plotting??" about a confession, because the manner in which Baz would confess wouldn't leave room for that.

It's also important to consider whether Simon is already in a relationship with Agatha when Baz "confesses." If he is, that complicates it because even when Simon is feeling (even if he's not identifying such feelings) that he wants to break up, he doesn't want to be the one who does it. If he isn't dating her, the expectation that he should would weigh on him as well. (Worth mentioning that Simon faces dating Agatha like it's a job he has to do, and at some point it feels like a routine – you can tell in the way he forgets he's no longer dating her and immediately goes, "anyway" after remembering... one of those instances is when he's kissing Baz and he has a second where he feels bad for Agatha before remembering they're not dating anymore. Which tells you that dating her wouldn't have stoped him from kissing Baz, even if he feels bad about it). Regardless, Simon would choose Baz, because he always does (if you're thinking about Simon not going to the numpties with Baz because he just discovered he's the humdrum, I wouldn't count it. It's like in awtwb when Baz discovers the Phippa thing and literally tells a Simon who's in shambles after Smith fails to restore his magic "I'm sorry love, I know your problem is important but I'm literally incapable of focussing on anything else until I fix this" – it's the exact same thing Simon is feeling towards the end of CO). When Simon feels like he's going to lose him, he's pushed to act (WS being the exception partly because Simon feels like a burden and like Baz is with him not because he still wants him but out of duty, which changes everything). But to have them figure this out at this point would be too difficult. Too painful. (Not that not figuring it out isn’t terribly painful anyway – there’s no escaping pain here)

The thing isn't really Simon's reaction – all things considered, that might be easier to put together than what would come after, given all the external factors. The thing is the mage (and not even war, as we have established that the war doesn't stop Simon from telling Baz they don't have to fight, he just wants to be boyfriends) and perhaps Simon worrying about fulfilling expectations in ways that suffocate him, in ways he doesn't know how to fight off because he's not used to making decisions by and for himself outside of combat and survival, and you definitely don't want the cocktail of emotions this would cause when he's in possession of his crazy magic. He does figure out how to fight this, but I think Baz is right when he says they figured it out at the right time – crucially, the strongest forces that would keep them separated are gone shortly after they get together. The thing is a million things, externally and emotionally, that would come into play if they go off script. And the mage is just too alive here, as opposed to fucking dead, which is both how we want and need him to be for Simon to have a better chance at making any type of choice in his life, heal and move on. He has too much control over Simon's life. But this is about reaction, not what happens after – at that point we might as well write fanfiction (I'm kinda already are with this post, anyway)

[kentocalls]

geto suguru | motivation nsfw. spicy and wordy, minors do not interact. i'm a novice runner and know nothing about fencing but it suits suguru 💯

"breathe babe." his wonderful, sultry voice does nothing to ease the pressure of his hand focused on their mission. help massage and move the lactic acid building in your legs.

it's the side effect of being a runner. it's always painful, hence you tend to skip the massages offered by your trainers and foam roll your muscles (stopping before it hurts too much.)

but not under suguru geto's watch. he knows you have a big run tomorrow, a super duper, medal earning run. he's seen your dedication to the sport and is always amazed at the sheer discipline you have.

as a fellow athelete, he admires it. his sport, fencing, requires a different kind of focus but the little times he's jogged a 5k or 10k behind you really puts running into perspective. he remembers the soreness and ache. he's not going to let you run on achey muscles.

he moves down to your calves, gets a tense exhale and he knows you're going to protest. "we can do streteching in-ah, instead. dy-dynamic st-fuck that hurts." he barely hums before pulling your legs closer.

it moves your shorts higher, exposing the flesh of your bum, he makes a mental note to massage there last. the glutes and hips are vital to easy running and overall movement afterall.

he moves towards your achielles, aware this is a pretty sensitive spot for you and the shudder you realease is sinful.

he's not going to stop, he's found the knots, he's going to diligently knead them away. going to make sure you feel good, your legs feel strong. he won't be distracted by your noises.

it goes on for too long, the pain is less, but suguru's hands are warm. the constant movement and gentle praising is getting to you. "you're so dedicated." "almost done, you're being so good for me." "taking it so sweetly." " you're so amazing." "such a disciplined athelete." "how lucky am i?" "i get to call you mine." he's hands are slower, gentler. slowly his movement moves up, pulls you closer into his lap. your shorts bunching uncomfortably, it's a flimsy piece of fabric. leaving noting to imagination but it feels soft.

sugur's hands are now pushing into the space where your hamstrings meet your glutes. teasing the flesh, pulling and pushing with his thumbs.

"su...suguru." you huff, turning to catch his eyes and he's got a hand on your neck, pulling you up, straddling his lap, soft kisses to your lips and jaw.

the position hurts a little, your quads are still tight but you don't want him to know, don't want him massaging, want him to touch you instead.

"you said you'd make me feel good." you pout, he tries to steal more kisses. vaguely aware he needs to be at practice soon and you are not going to run a raise with bruised hips and his hand prints peaking under your run shorts. those are for his eyes only.

"i'm not done yet." hands on your hips moving to grab at your round flesh, gives your ass a really tight squeeze. "lie down for me yeah?"

trying to change suguru geto's mind is near impossible and you'd rather kiss him silly then hear another lecture about proper post-running routine. gosh, he sounds like a runner with all the research he's done on your sport.

a smile slips your lips as your stomach meets the pillow suguru has placed for you, and if you stretch your arms and it happens to push your hips and butt higher well, that's just you stretching. also part of a good post-run routine.

he gives you a small tsk before pushing your hips flat to the bed. straddles your legs and lets his hands start massaging your lower back, his thumbs move as a team up and down one side of your bum and then the next. your glutes are really tight and you relax into the movement. it feels nice.

when suguru notices your breathing slow and your muscles with less tension, he starts to move his thumbs under your shorts.

the fabric is mostly bunched into your crease anyways, if he's pulling it higher it's just so it fits better. he needs to massage closer to your lovely leaking opening as it is.

and if you moan at the tension, moan at the pull it's not your fault. he's so controlled, working you up so nicely, it's not your fault at all. you his lips on your lower back. then his tongue followed by his teeth and his voice is so deep when he asks, "ready? still want me to make you feel good?"

your nodidng is useless because he wants to hear your words. no point in swaying your hips, he holds them still. "suguru, please. you promised."

"such a pretty pretty thing." he lifts your hips up, pulls the shorts down, spreads your cheecks, thumbs dangerously pushing where you want him the most.

"l..like this suguru? is...this okay?" this angle is new, suddenly feeling shy you want to see him, need assurance.

you feel his entire body lie on top of you, the pressure welcome, you feel a certain bulge near your hips, so he is affectd too. he moves to the side of your body, his focus is on your reassurance, this is about you. he kisses the nape of your neck, a hand turns your face to his, lips on your cheeks and he's looking at you with so much adoration.

"we can stop and change if you want."

"you want to try this?" he nodds, " "promise. it'll feel really good." and he's so patient, waits for your decision, doesn't push or pull. hands moving to your low back, keeping you grounded.

"okay, kiss me more first please." it's so filthy, nothing prodigy fencer should know how to do. but suguru is special, selective, always a mystery and somehow you're his entire world.

he moves back down your body. pushes but never breaches his thumb into your wet, wanting, aching core. indulges in your tiny gasps, marks the top of your hamstring with a very nice hickey.

only pushes his thumb in once he completes a matching mark on your other hamstring. it's enough to fuel your need, you're so wet, you can feel it. his slow and steady in and out motion driving you mad.

"more, more, more."

he speeds up a little bit, deeper now, almost touching where you want him to, barely grazing it. so you try to help him, you push your hips back and he pulls his thumb out.

"no babe, this is my job." but both his thumbs are pushing the sides of your pussy. squeezing the lips together. you're moaning his name, burning.

"okay, oka-fuck." he pushes a thumb in again, the other starting to run small circles on your clit. it's so slow, it feels so good. the noises your making are absolutely criminal.

suguru is lost in trance, you're so wet. he can feel the heat on his hands, fuck the noises your making, the way you're saying his name like a prayer over and over.

he needs a taste. moves his thumb near your occupied hole, and laps at the delicious juices making a mess on his sheets.

he feels you twitch and tremble. "still babe, be good for me. i know you can." he knows it's mean, you've already been so good for him, he's been slowly bringing you to the edge and back.

"can't. need you, please pleas-ah." he replaces his thumb with a finger, followed by another and another. the quick sucession and stretch making you so full suddenly.

a thumb is back on your clit, moving faster. your hips moving on their own, your not saying coherent words anymore. he doesn't need you to. "that's right, that's right, you're so close."

he guides you throw it, his fingers reaching deep and full, constantly massage the sweetest spot and pushes you over the edge.

you feel his wet hands on your hips, his voice near your back as he leaves kisses up ad down your spine. "you did so well. made such pretty sounds for me." he pulls you close, spooning you perfectly. you're so relaxed, boneless.

"keep breathing babe."

♡

when your eyes peak open you're still in his bed, a blanket thrown over you and two glasses of cool water stand proudly on the bedside table. no stickyness or sweat lingers on your skin, he's changed you into one of his band tshirts and boxers that are suspisciously in your size.

the bathroom fan clicks off, suguru steps out of the shower looking better than any adonis you've googled. hair tied in a messy bun, towel wrapped low on his hips. he's shuffling to grab his training fit of the day before his eyes catch you.

the smile is so sweet, he's in your space instantly. running hair from your face, small kisses and praises. "you're gonna finish both of these, right?"

you frown at him. "hey, electrolytes and hydration are key fo-" you smush his face with a pillow. but take a big sip of the glass he's held out for you. "atta girl."

you help him chose his outfit, he rambles about his opponent and how training is going. when you stand you're surprised at the lack of soreness?

you fully expected to be comfortably sore, suguru is big, no matter the stretching you're always left a little sore after. fully expecting your hips to also ache from the firm grip suguru keeps when he's drilling you into the mattress but that's missing too.

"i'm not going to have you running side-to-side babe." he's done packing his gear as you follow him into the kitchen. "but, you didn't-?" "who says i didn't?"

the blush on your cheeks should be on his cheeks but he's busy making toast. this fine fine fine man is too much, too good, too nice. "but, i wanted to. i would've woken back-" "shush. i'm not the one running a marathon tomorrow."

"don't remind me. though I should get a new PR, that would be fun. you'll be there?"

always, is on the tip of his tongue but that's after. both of you need to finish the compeitions first. "of course. with your favorite smoothie and fries."

he has you smiling and you cling to him until he really needs to go. "stab the guy and come home kick!"

"always so violent babe." "it's the same jerk who cut your lip. a stab is the least he desreves."

he smiles, shaking his head and pulling you in for a final hug and kiss. "what's my reward if I get a new PR?" you tease. "going to be hard to top my reward for sticking to my training goals."

"i've got a few ideas."

[antimony-medusa]

*Climbs up on my soap box again, flipchart presentation in hand*

Hello. I promise this is the last time I'll do this (for this exchange). But let's do ONE MORE TIME.

Fic in a Box! Really cool 18+ fandom exchange that's running now, and I am here to lure you into signing up. You can sign up to until the end of the 3rd (midnight EDT).

What makes this fandom special is four things things

it's a 10k exhange, which is why you have until mid-october to get it done.

you can opt into WILD mediums for your fic— dress up game! poetry! fanvid! in-world reddit posts! spreadsheets! Check out the tag set for the full list, it's honestly hundreds of medium options. You're not guaranteed to get any of the mediums you opt into, but it's a possibility! You can even contact the mods to ask to match on a specific medium if you really want to make a ship schematic, or write a triple drabble, or draw a propaganda poster.

Instead of requesting your fic focus on a relationship, there are also Worldbuilding tags you can request. For QSMP, the WB tags are WB: Any (QSMP | Quackity SMP), WB: Egg Revivals (QSMP), WB: Egg/Code Connection (QSMP), WB: Federation Kidnappings & Cryosleep (QSMP). You could request or offer a fic (or art!) that focuses on any of those!

This part is optional, but you can take your 10k, and go to the mods, and request that you Swap some of your assignment, so instead of 10k for UsernameWaterglass, you have 4k for UsernameWaterglass, 3k for UsernameTissueBox, and 3k for UsernameCinnamonRoll. (Really creative usernames there, drawn from the items around me.) And then you still hit 10k on your gift, but in the form of multiple smaller gifts!

The mods don't promise that you'll definitely get a swap, but the more people in the exchange requesting swaps, the more likely it gets. So that is why I'm here now, looking at you with pleading eyes! I want to do some QSMP swaps, but we only have 4 people signed up for QSMP, and we don't have a huge amount of overlap in characters, so some people are still not matchable. I want us to drop some banger fics into the tag and make everybody go OOOOOOO that looks fun why didn't I sign up for FIAB, and then they weep and wail with joy while reading our fics.

Y'know, normal things to want.

Anyways, you can see the tagset for all the possible tags you can offer and request here (hence why there's ship tags on this post), and you can see all the QSMP sign-ups here, and the event blog and rules are here, and you can sign up yourself here! If you are a multi-mcyt fan, we also have DSMP, Hermitcraft, Life Series, SMPEarth in the tag set, and there are literally over a thosuand other fandoms. We even have a MCYT FIAB discord where you can ask questions and compare notes!

I leave you with some highlights from the QSMP requests so far.

*locks onto you with with a powerful magnet to drag you into exchange* JOIN US.

[thetimemoves]

20 questions for fic writers

I was tagged by @raina-at @discordantwords and @totallysilvergirl, thank you!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

20

2. What's your total A03 word count?

57, 682. Not a lot for 20 works, but 10 of them are 221b ficlets. I only have one fic over 10k (it's just over 11.3k).

3. What fandoms do you write for?

BBC Sherlock

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Never Trust to General Impressions

Abditory

Feel My Heart Banging Like a Gun

Out of Every Nowhere

Forth They Went Together

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, I do. I'm so thrilled to get them and appreciate it when someone takes the time to leave a comment. It makes me giddy, it does!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I like to end on a happy, or at least hopeful, note but occasionally angst comes out on top. I think it's probably a tie between these two: Paperweight, which is Sherlock's POV when Molly gives him John's letter at the end of TST; and With Regrets, which is John's POV as he says goodbye to Sherlock in the hospital after the beating in TLD.

Both are 221b ficlets, so at least it's a sharp punch of angst and not an extended bout? Not kidding about that punch, though (sorry not sorry).

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

This is a tough one, but I think these are probably the happiest:

bitter, sweet

Feel My Heart Banging Like a Gun

Abditory

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No, thankfully. Hopefully that continues.

9. Do you write smut?

I love me some good smut, but I don't write it (yet). Certain bits in Feel My Heart Banging Like a Gun and Steady as They Go are the closest I've come so far, but they're not smutty.

10. Do you write crossovers?

No. I don't. One of my WIPs is a Stand By Me/The Body (Stephen King) fusion, but I'm not interested in writing any crossovers right now.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, which amazes me! Two have been translated into Russian.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

@splix71 and I began to plot out a Sherlock bounty hunter AU I had initially come up with back in 2019. We had so much fun coming up with names and theories and plot points, so much fun. Unfortunately, she had to step back due to health reasons (FUCK CANCER) and afterwards I couldn't bring myself to go back to it. I doubt I ever will, as clever as I think some of the things we came up with were. I don't know that there is a place anymore for Baker Street Bonds, Yarders Bail Service, or Reichenbach Bail, but I will always treasure the time we spent on it together (that she, a most amazing writer, wanted to write something with me, still blows my mind).

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Mulder/Scully and Sherlock/John.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have a Sherlock/John hunt the Bogeyman fic I've been poking at for YEARS. I love a lot of what I've written, but I wrote myself into a corner and haven't quite figured out how to get out. At this point I despair of ever finishing it, but never say never.

16. What are your writing strengths?

221b ficlets. I think I've done well with these in conveying lots of emotion in little moments.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Clever case fic and complicated plots. I can also get a bit wordy in my beginnings sometimes (ironic, considering my ability to write a strong 221b ficlet) and need a gentle nudge to cut to the action.

Also, if I'm going to be brutally honest, I tend to walk away too quickly when I get stuck and don't make myself work out the problem right then. Hence my many languishing WIPs.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I've not done it yet and don't see it happening down the road either.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

For published fic, BBC Sherlock. There might be some self-insert stories with River Phoenix in my very distant past.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Ooof, this is a hard one because every finished fic is a victory for me. That said, I'll always have a soft spot for Abditory. I had been in love with Sherlock since 2011 and devoured fic at an unholy rate, but was never dared write my own until 2017, after the last series. Better late than never, right? I also really loved writing Never Trust to General Impressions, with its slice-of-life looks at Sherlock and John's evolving relationship in relation to canon (with a not-so-canon twist on TRF). Funnily enough, both are 5+1 fics.

This was fun! I have loved reading all of these from everyone too. I'm going to be That Person and tag everyone who wants to do this but hasn't been tagged yet. Please do share!

[misspearly1]

When Two Worlds Collide Series

Chp1 || Chp2 || Chp3 || Chp4 || Chp5 || Chp6 || Chp7 || Chp8

Pairing: Joel Miller x F!Reader x Arthur Morgan

Chapter Eight: Home

WC: 10k

Warnings: 18+ Content. Minors DNI. Alternative TLOU & RDR2 Universe. M/F/M Relationship. Story events relating to in-game missions (Our Best Selves & Red Dead Redemption). Dutch being scary, intimidating and unhinged. Graphic Violence (death/murder/robbery. The usual rdr2 stuff). There’s some angst and tension between Joel, Arthur and Reader in this chapter, but I promise it isn’t what it seems. I don’t want to give away too much in the warnings lol. Light smut. Kissing & mentions of sex. Angst with a happy ending and some fluffy vibes. 

Spoiler Warnings in the AN notes below the cut. Please read carefully. 

AN: There are mentions of character deaths in this chapter. If you haven’t played RDR2 and do not wish to know about who dies, then don’t read this chapter, my loves. Otherwise, if you don’t mind reading about that, then you can continue with the story. I hope you’ve enjoyed this series, and while there is such a huge amount of plot that I’ve missed out (bc the game is humongous), there will be future one-shots to fill in the gaps. Thank you so much for reading <3.

There’s a lot that can happen in the space of twenty-four hours. A lot of good things, and a lot of bad things that you cannot control no matter how much you try to. Some things aren’t meant to be controlled and that’s just, unfortunately, the way life goes. It’s plain and simple. You can try to go against fate, but what’s meant to be, will be. 

You could, however, try to plan something to perfection, but it’s bound to go wrong somewhere along the way. In one moment, you could be fine, and in the next, you could be so neck deep in shit that you don’t even know if you’ll make it out alive. A flawlessly executed plan cannot be achieved, especially not when it involves a mad-man who’s surrounded by a small group of paranoid men. 

In order to survive, there are risks you must be willing to gamble on, sacrifices that you need to take and life-saving decisions that need to be made in the heat of the moment. Freedom isn’t something that can be bought with money, even if you were the richest person in the world. It has to be paid for in blood, but the questions are: whose blood will be spilled, and who will survive? 

Well, there is a shortened version of what happened to the Van Der Linde gang in the last twenty-four hours, but the longer version would begin last night when Joel, Arthur and John returned to Beaver Hollow after blowing up Bacchus Bridge… 

You hate this place; hate living in a camp where the air reeks of decayed flesh and rotten bones. It’s an ugly environment, and smells twice as bad as it looks. The gang moved here many weeks ago to avoid the law patrolling Saint Denis and the surrounding area, meaning you could no longer hideout at Shady Belle. That camp was no better anyway. The crocs made an appearance everyday and reminded you of your place in the food chain, which would depend on how good you are with a weapon or how fast you could run. 

Though, here at Beaver Hollow in the wooded area of Roanoke Ridge, you are reminded of the previous settlers that used to live in this camp everyday. The Murfree Brood gang. They are a homicidal group of individuals, territorial and just down-right inhumane. They were feared by many, and the locals told you of the horrifying things they used to do in these neck of the woods, hence the reason for that lingering smell of decayed flesh and rotten bones. It still remains in the air, and it burns the hairs in your nostrils and makes your stomach churn. 

You hate this place, but most importantly, you hate what this gang has become over the last several months. You hardly recognise some of the people anymore. Many are depressed and ready to call it quits, whereas others are just getting started with the savagery. It’s been many moons since you’ve felt a slither of peace and serenity, but hopefully, that will soon change. 

At the sound of hoofbeats drawing near camp, you snapped out of your thoughts and rose to your feet. “What the hell took ya’ll so damn long? Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been?” You stormed toward the edge of camp as Joel and Arthur approached on their horses. The anger was palpable in your tone of voice and it caught the attention of many curious eyes within the gang as they all looked in your direction and watched the dispute unfold. 

You crossed your arms and waited for either of them to answer your questions, but all you got instead was some incoherent mumbling under their breaths as they rolled their eyes. This, of course, pissed you off even more and you went on to berate Arthur and Joel for their actions today. “Neither of you told me where you were going, nor did you even say goodbye. I had to find out you were blowing up a goddamn bridge from someone else!... Why didn’t you talk to me before you left?” 

“Because of this attitude right here.” Joel pointed to you, sighing. “Because you’ll complain about it and try to stop us from leaving. We have to blow up that bridge for the train robbery tomorrow.” 

You argued further and asked. “And why does it have to be you and Arthur? Why couldn’t someone else go with John? There’s plenty of people around here who're more than capable of handling explosives… I don’t even get why you have to blow up the fucking bridge in the first place.” 

“Darlin’, you must understand. It’s all part of Dutch’s plan to get outta here and gone for good.” Joel tried to calm you down, but it didn’t work as you waved your hands around and replied acidly. “You think I care about him? I don’t give a fuck about his goddamn plans!” 

“Check your tone, Y/N.” Arthur cut in now, his voice firm and his brows wrinkled with a mild warning. “I understand you worry for our safety, but we’re not little boys that you can boss around… We can take care of business without getting hurt, so don’t doubt, Dutch. He knows what’s best for us.” 

“Oh, so almost dying on many occasions now is ‘taking care of business’, right?” You made a gesture with your fingers when quoting him, and emphasized your dislike over their secret decision making. They went ahead with this job without talking to you about it first. “I thought we were a team, but apparently not… You left in the dark, and I don’t like that at all so don’t fucking do it again.” You concluded your argument before walking off, leaving them both to think about the mistake they made. 

Once you were out of their sight and had entered your tent, they turned to each other and shook their heads frustratingly, expressing just how much they couldn’t be bothered with another war of words. It was exhausting and they were just simply too tired to argue again tonight. As they dismounted their horses, the sound of snickering could be heard from the back of Beaver Hollow near the cave entrance. It was evident that Dutch and Micah found the altercation hilarious, whereas everyone else remained quiet and went back to what they were doing prior. 

Dutch was smirking as he watched Joel walk towards your tent, “Going to reconcile with the nag, I imagine.” He sneered, then rose to his feet to chat with Arthur and John as they came forth to report how they got on with the job today. “Well done, my son.” He clasped a hand over Arthur’s shoulder, praising him for how he handled the situation with you just now. The man simply enjoyed watching him put you in your place. It was entertaining indeed, but most importantly, the loyalty was most appreciated. 

“Ahh, she’s just frustrated, Dutch. Pay her no mind.” Arthur brushed off the compliment, grinning devilishly. “I’ll take care of that later tonight anyhow.” He uttered with a wink, insinuating that you needed some sexual attention and that was the reason for your outburst. The comment made the men chuckle amongst themselves, but the sound of your voice shouting in the distance cut through their laughter, causing each of them to turn and look towards your tent. 

“Hm.” Dutch hummed, then speculated confidently. “That doesn’t sound like frustration, my boy. It’s more like she’s ready to kill you both.”

Micah added to that, saying. “I don’t know how you put up with it day n’ night… Must be some good pussy, Arthur.”

“The best there is.” Arthur stated when turning to face them again, still wearing that devilish grin on his lips. “You need me for anything? I gotta go lend a hand before it gets real ugly in there.” They laughed with each other once again before Dutch shook his head, confirming that he didn’t need anything further. They’re all set for the day now and all that’s left to do is to wake up tomorrow, rob the train and from there, they can hop on a boat and flee to another country. 

Dutch doesn’t really care for the ongoing quarrels between you, Arthur and Joel. It doesn’t keep him up at night. He could care less, so long as you don't get in the way of his plans or take two of his most trusted allies away from him. Even if you do complain and kick up a fuss about it. To put it simply, Dutch is happy; everyone is happy. “Good luck in there. We’re rooting for ya, son.” He waved to Arthur as he walked away. 

Micah couldn’t resist the urge to provoke the man and suggested crudely. “If ya can’t handle that woman, send her over to me. I’ll shut her up for ya.” 

Arthur, however, didn’t give any reaction Micah was hoping for and simply shook his head with a quiet chuckle escaping his lips instead. Since his back was turned to them as he walked towards your tent, they couldn’t see the look of disgust on his face or the blind rage behind his darkened eyes, so they were none the wiser about how he truly felt at this exact moment. 

If there was a chance that he could get away with it, he would empty his gun into Micah and beat Dutch to the ground for their foul-mouthed remarks towards you this evening. It was sickening words to say about any woman, let alone the woman he’d lay down his life for and that pissed off Arthur beyond comparison.

Stay focused, he told himself as he exhaled calmly, trying to release some of that anger locked away deep within. It didn’t really work as well as he hoped it would. He was still angry, disgusted, and most of all, he was disappointed too; disappointed that it’s gone this far. 

Every day and night, Arthur wore a mask in front of everyone, but when he opened the tent and stepped inside, the man he truly is inside was revealed. “Are you ok, sweetheart?” He asked in a whisper, swallowing the lump of regret in the back of his throat. 

“Of course.” You nodded. Furrowing your brows with worry as you reached out to take his hand, you could see the way Arthur was appalled with himself for how he spoke to you a few minutes ago. He doesn’t like talking to you like that, but it was absolutely necessary and he had to make it look real. There was no other way to do it. “Wipe your eyes and come over here before anybody sees you, baby. It’s ok.” You reassured him quietly so that no one else could hear. 

“It’ll be over soon, tough guy.” Joel murmured as he, too, reached out for Arthur and pulled him into a hug. “We won’t have to keep this up for much longer. I promise… It’ll all be over soon.” 

Together, you lay down in the darkness of your tent and held each other closely. You kept a tight lid on your emotions as now wasn’t the time to break character, otherwise this ruse that you’ve worked hard to create would crumble in a matter of seconds. You weren’t mad with Arthur, nor was he really warning you to watch your tone about Dutch earlier. It’s just part of the plan to escape tomorrow. 

Tomorrow when Dutch isn’t around Beaver Hollow to stop the gang from leaving with his chest full of cash.  

The chattering twitter of a bird reached your ears when you awoke at the crack of dawn. Nature singing its morning song was most soothing and you opened your eyes to find a beam of light shining down on your tent like it was a sign of good luck. You hoped it was a sign of good luck because you’re in dire need of it. As a matter of fact, the whole gang needs it because today is the day you finally make your escape and there’s only one shot at this. It has to be executed perfectly or else innocent people could die. 

Tilting your head and gazing across the beauty of Arthur’s face as he rested deeply, you managed to smile through the intolerable levels of hardship in which you’ve all endured. You wished that he looked peaceful, but even in repose, he looked plagued with a mass amount of concerns eating away at his brain during the night. The man was just so exhausted, mentally and physically, and it was starting to show too. His eyes were heavy and sunken, and his face marred with worrying 24/7. 

None of this is fair, you thought while gingerly tracing your fingers across his face. It wasn’t fair that he had the weight of the world on his shoulders all the damn time like this. Nor was it fair on Joel either, or anybody else for that matter. It wasn’t fair on you and the gang, and it certainly wasn’t fair at all for those who were killed along the way. There were so many, and all of them died in vain. 

“I love you, Arthur Morgan.” You leaned in close to say softly, paranoia keeping your voice barely above a whisper in case someone was eavesdropping outside of your tent. It wouldn’t be the first time something like that has happened, hence your reasoning to be so secretive about how much you truly love each other. “I love you too, Joel Miller.” You added to that whilst palming your hand across his muscular arm draped over your stomach. 

It’s been a long, hellish journey so far together. This world and the life of an outlaw gang is cruel to those who least deserve it, but you won’t be suffering for much longer now. We’re almost there, you said inside and gave yourself the push you desperately needed to get moving. After planting a kiss on Arthur’s lips and turning to Joel to kiss him too, you climbed out of bed and continued with the ruse you’ve been playing for months. 

As much as it pained you to do so, you couldn’t let yourself get carried away when displaying your affection towards them. Someone could see and they’d quickly piece together that you’re lying. Dutch or Micah could see that Joel and Arthur are pretending to be loyal. It’s just part of the plan, and it’s been working flawlessly so far. Hopefully it continues to be flawless, you thought. 

Getting dressed and mentally preparing yourself for the enormous task ahead, you try to stay in the moment rather than thinking about the future. It would be silly to indulge in the hopeful thoughts of what happens after you escape because you need to escape first. Then, and only then, you can be free to think about what happens next. Besides, you don’t want to say it out loud, or even think it in your mind, but you already know where you’re going when all of this is finally over and done with. 

Once you were ready to leave, you grabbed your light summer jacket and draped it over your arm, but one step forward is all you took when suddenly, a hand was placed on your hip, urging you backwards. You closed your eyes to fight the oncoming tears and savoured the tender embrace you’ve missed so dearly. Arthur and Joel sat you down on the edge of the bed, cradling the back of your head gently as they kissed your neck. They moved upwards in a delicate manner, tickling your skin with their beards before placing their lips against the shell of your ear. 

“We love you too.” They breathed in unison, their voices heavy and laden with nothing but lust, endearment and devotion. The beautiful moment in which you shared together was short-lived as you slipped away from their grasps. You couldn’t let yourselves get carried away. It’s too dangerous and risky, today more than ever. 

Jerking the tent open and marching your way outside, you angrily put your jacket on whilst walking to the edge of camp. “Fucking useless idiots…. They will never understand,” you complained under your breath, and it’s just as well that you did because Dutch was also awake and he was watching you carefully. You could see him in the corner of your eyes as he stood by his tent, observing the camp like he does everyday now. It’s become a daily occurrence since he’s become an unrecognizable paranoid monster of a human being. 

With the timely fashion of Joel marching out of the tent as well, and Arthur right behind stopping him from chasing after you, it sold the act perfectly as Dutch grinned with delight. He believed the performance and puffed on his cigar like it was a victory to have them on his side. You wished it was possible to see the look on his face when he realizes that he’s lost everything, but you’ll be long gone by then. The man can’t be forgiven for the things he’s done. Too many people have lost their lives and many more have suffered for too long. 

Instead of standing around the edge of camp like you initially planned to do, you decided to walk further away and hopefully clear your mind a little before getting to work. Arthur however, also decided to play into his character a little more by yelling out. “I don’t have time for your games today, woman. If you leave and get lost, hurt or taken away somewhere, don’t count on me to come get ya… I’ve fucking had it with your childish behaviour.” 

Shaking your head at the man, you stayed within eye distance and sat down in the grass, your head plopped between your hands like a spoiled brat who was told ‘no’. You closed your eyes and smiled on the inside, thinking about what Joel and Arthur were truly saying in their minds right now. It’s probably something to do with worrying for your safety. They’re always worrying these days. 

You sat in silence for a short while until someone came along and disturbed your peace. You would have welcomed the company, but the man who approached is not who you were expecting. “Good morning, Y/N.” Dutch greeted you, and his smug tone of voice had your eyes rolling behind closed lids. 

“Morning, Dutch.” You opened your eyes and turned to look at him, your lips pressed together with detest. “What can I possibly help you with today?” You asked, to which the man chuckled deeply before crouching to the floor to be at your eye level. It was an intimidation tactic, and you certainly felt intimidated, but you didn’t show it. 

“You can help me understand what the big issue is.” He elaborated with a deep sigh of annoyance. “Why must you insist on giving Joel and Arthur so much hassle? They’re doing their best for all of us.” 

“Because I don’t want them to die like the others.” You retorted, then went on to list those people who died and really emphasized just how much he has lost because of his madness. “Jenny, The Callander Boys, Kieran Duffy, Bill Williamson, Molly O’Shea and Hosea Matthews. You remember their names, right Dutch?” 

“Of course I remember their names.” His jaw clenched in reply, but he missed your point entirely as he added to that. “They didn’t die for nothing. They died fighting for our freedom from the law. Can’t you see what we’re all trying to do here? It’s just one more job, then we are gone for good.” 

You closed your eyes briefly and shook your head over the mention of Hosea. He would’ve died for nothing — he would have died if you didn’t fake his death and get him away from Dutch. Nobody knows that he is alive. Not even Joel and Arthur, but it was all part of your own secret little plan all along. The old man will be coming here to Beaver Hollow when most of the men leave to rob that train, and he will be the one convincing the remaining members of the gang to escape, not yourself like Joel and Arthur believe. 

After a long pause for thought, you couldn’t hold your tongue anymore and expressed exactly how you feel towards Dutch. “Yeah well, there’s always one more job though. Always one more big score to take and we’ll be gone for good.” As those words sank in, you rolled your lips together and nodded. “That’s what my big issue is. You don’t know when to stop until it’s too late, and we’ve lost too many innocent people along the way, so forgive me for my lack of trust in you, but it’s really hard to trust someone that’s going to get the people I love killed.” 

Dutch also took a pause for thought. He took your words into account and processed them before replying. “Well, my choices haven’t exactly been the best these last couple of months, so that lack of trust is something I can understand.” He empathized with you, and you don’t know why he’s even trying to in the first place. Empathy isn’t his forte. It’s not like him to be understanding and reasonable like this at all, and that worries you more than his intimidation tactic of leaning in so close that you could feel his breath fanning across your face. 

You wanted to look to Joel and Arthur for some guidance through this unfamiliar territory, but you’re supposed to be angry with them. So rather than crumbling under Dutch’s pressure, you simply asked. “If you can understand my lack of trust, why don’t you try to get it back? You had my faith once before. You could have it again if you didn't do so many foolish things.”

“Foolish?” He raised his brow in a way that offers you a chance to take back what you said, but you didn’t. Perhaps it was the rush of adrenaline you got when finally speaking a piece of your mind to Dutch, but you nodded to him and confirmed that you meant it. And he didn’t like that at all, not in the slightest. There was a difference in his demeanour that made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. The difference was subtle and barely noticeable to the eyes, but you felt the shift in his energy. 

You were instantly put on high alert and felt queasy. It was alarming to see such a sudden difference in the man. You watched the wickedness take over his eyes when he grinned, and it was an ominous looking grin. The kind that displays a glimpse of his soul within, which was dark and sinister. Dutch didn’t look at you. He looked through you with a cold, empty stare and his unbroken gaze sent a chilling shiver down your spine. 

“You seem to have misunderstood, Y/N.” He lowered his voice to a dangerously low octave. His tone was calm, but make no mistake, he was revealing his true colors. They were malevolent and hostile. “ I do not care for your faith in me. I care for your blind obedience… Do you understand that?” 

By now, you were sure that Joel and Arthur were watching this interaction very carefully, and it was reassuring to know that they’re quick with drawing a gun from their hips. Quicker than you’ve ever seen before, and should Dutch do something reckless such as raising his hands to you, it would be the last thing he ever did. The man would be dead before he’d even think about drawing his weapon.  

However, back-chatting him right now and endangering the lives of other people in camp was not a risk you were willing to take. He wanted your compliance, so you gave it to him. “Yes, Dutch.” You nodded. “I understand that loud and clear.” 

“Good.” He rose to his feet quickly, the rapidness in his movement startling you. “Oh, don’t be afraid. I wouldn’t do something so… foolish to you now, would I?” The man mocked you, and it stung. He patronized you for flinching, and it hurt. He teased you and ridiculed you for being frightened with one simple word, and it boiled the blood in your veins to a level in which you’ve never felt before. 

Dutch Van Der Linde is a monstrous person. He, who caused the death of Jenny, The Callander Boys, Kieran Duffy, Bill Williamson, Molly O’Shea and countless more innocent people in his lifetime, cannot be forgiven. He, who left Joel and Arthur behind for dead, cannot be trusted. He, who uses fear and intimidation to bend people to his every beck and call, is a cowardly man. You harboured nothing but hatred for him, and it physically pained you to give a satisfactory answer. 

“No.” You shook your head and fed his sick, evil, twisted ego. “No, you wouldn’t do something so foolish to me.” 

“That’s better, Y/N.” He concluded before walking away with a boastful gait, as if he were so proud of himself to make you fall in line like the rest who ever dared to question him. You looked at Joel and Arthur briefly, and merely because of the fact Micah was watching, you made a point to scoff and look away, acting like you were offended that they didn’t step in to help just now. 

You couldn’t communicate that you were fine because Micah would see that you’re trying to reassure them. He is as extremely paranoid as Dutch was and you have to be careful around those sorts of people. You opted to look beyond the camp and tried to enjoy the comforting scenery of nature instead. Joel and Arthur could visibly see that you were okay and that’s all they needed to be reassured. 

As the morning breezed over and the gang geared up to leave, you stayed around the edge of camp and kept a lookout for Hosea. He said he wouldn’t get too close, and you trust that he’s capable of keeping himself hidden amongst the trees in the wooded area of Roanoke Ridge. Freedom was nearing and you could almost taste it when Dutch finally left Beaver Hollow. He took ten people with him, including Joel, Arthur and John, and left ten people behind – all of whom you could trust. 

Just for safety measures and extra precaution, you waited twenty minutes for the ‘all clear’ signal from Hosea and rose to your feet with a smile on your face. It felt so victorious and overwhelming to actually express your joy. It was nice to let that mask slip away and stop acting like you’re so damn angry all the time. You turned to the camp and looked across the many miserable faces that people wore, feeling giddy and excited to reveal everything you’ve worked so hard for. 

“Everyone! Gather round everyone… Gather round.” You called out happily, capturing their undivided attention. “I have good news to tell you and it’s really important that you all listen very carefully.” 

“Oh God.” Mary-Beth and Karen gasped simultaneously, and Abigail finished off voicing their immediate concerns. “Oh no… Please tell me you're not pregnant. You can’t be pregnant at a time like this, Y/N.” 

“What—no, no. Jesus, no. I’m not pregnant, ladies. Settle down.” You barked out a laugh, and felt the tension leaving your shoulders as they all sighed with relief. Hell, even Miss Grimshaw was relieved to hear that, and she’s the one who asked Joel and Arthur to knock you up. Albeit, that was months ago when she was full of booze, but it was nice to see the gang smiling again, and they felt a shimmer of happiness because Dutch wasn’t around to ruin everything like he always does. 

You tried to explain what you so eagerly wanted to tell them, but the words never passed your lips as they all gasped at the man approaching the camp behind you. That man was Hosea, and everyone ran towards him in a flurry of panic. There was complete pandemonium as he was surrounded by the men and women remaining in camp. Abigail and Jack hugged him tightly, then Susan, Tilly, Karen and Mary-Beth moved in afterwards to convey just how much they missed him. Charles, Mr. Pearson, Reverend Swanson and Uncle also shook the man’s hand and held him close. 

It took a whole fifteen minutes just to calm everybody down before you could even begin to explain what happened. Time was ticking fast and you didn’t have very long to retrieve their belongings, steal the savings chest from the cave and get gone before Dutch came back. You and Hosea had already amassed a large sum of cash by yourselves anyway, and so has Joel and Arthur too, but the savings chest would ensure everyone had a head-start in their new lives. 

Once you gave everyone a quick rundown of the plan and why you both went through all the trouble to help them escape, nobody refused to leave or opposed the idea of getting out while they still had the chance. This was their only chance and they snatched it up without hesitation. You were more than relieved to hear their reactions. Words simply couldn’t portray the unfathomable level of joy you felt, and without wasting anymore time, you all got the work right away, which didn’t take very long in the end as most were willing to leave everything behind and start fresh. 

When everyone was on their horse and ready to leave, the next order of business was heading towards the Grizzlies East region of Ambarino. There’s a hideout called The Loft, and you are to wait there for Joel and Arthur’s return with John, Lenny, Sean and Sadie – the last members of the gang needing to be saved, once and for all. 

Everything went wrong. The plan went south… In the space of hours, the plan went horribly wrong. 

This morning when Joel and Arthur watched Dutch get in your face, their hands balled up into fists at their side so tight that their knuckles turned white. The urge to break character was strong. They were ready to jeopardize everything they’ve been working towards and kill anyone who tried to hurt you or the gang. But they couldn’t. No matter how hard it was for them, they couldn’t break character. 

It was a bad day for Joel and Arthur right from the moment they opened their eyes and couldn’t hold you like they really wanted to. It hurt and cut them deeper than any knife could when they shared a kiss with you for no longer than two seconds. They wanted to tear your clothes off and make love to you, but they couldn’t. They haven’t been able to for weeks. But when they left camp and couldn’t say goodbye how they really wanted to either, they knew that you’d be out of there the second that they left. 

That train robbery is where everything went wrong. They made it to Saint Denis without a problem and boarded the train without any further issues as well, but later down the tracks when they made their intent known to the passengers on board, that’s where it started going downhill rapidly. There were many army guards to kill and twice as many more chasing them on horseback. 

The train was a slaughtering machine on wheels since the gang were aboard. They killed each and every one of those men hunting them down via horseback. Except there was one more hiding in the treeline who shot John in the shoulder and caused him to fall off the back of the train cart. He would be dead or captured, but just in case there was a chance that he could be saved, Dutch, Micah, Cleet, Joe and Javier went back for him while the rest stayed on the train to fight yet another patrol of army men. 

Determinedly, the army didn’t give up and continued pursuing the gang. There were too many to fight all at once. The train was never supposed to be this heavily guarded, therefore Arthur was forced to get behind the maxim gun. He mowed them all down until the coast was finally clear, then they moved up the train and blew a hole in the armed carriage before grabbing everything they could. It was packed full with sacks of army payroll, and they took it all.  

At the end of the line, everyone quickly hopped off the train before it rode over Bacchus Bridge. The very same bridge that Joel, Arthur and John blew up to smithereens yesterday. It was a spectacular show watching the train fall down the gap in the tracks and smash into the canyon below. The job was done and they did it. Joel and Arthur did it. They got the money and had the opportunity right there and then to take Sadie, Sean and Lenny out of there for good, but it would mean leaving John behind. They couldn’t do it–wouldn’t do it. 

Rather than snatching up the opportunity to escape with enough money to supplement the gang's new life, Arthur and Joel made their way back to Beaver Hollow instead. It wasn’t supposed to go down this way. John wasn’t supposed to get shot and fall off the back of the train, but they couldn’t control the situation no matter how much they tried to. 

However, it only got worse from that point onwards as they approached the path leading into camp and found Charles waiting for them. He wasn’t supposed to be there either. He should’ve been at The Loft with you and the rest of the gang, but he stayed behind to alert Joel and Arthur of Abigail's predicament. She was separated from the gang when they left Beaver Hollow and taken away by Agent Milton to be put on a boat and tried for murder. 

Arthur had to save her. He couldn’t leave the woman behind and make her child an orphan. So he and five people that he could trust with his life stormed their way through Van Horn, killing the Pinkertons stationed there, including Agent Milton. Rescuing Abigail wasn’t an issue. The issue was making the decision to go back for John, or go to The Loft and be reunited with you. 

Even if Marston wasn’t alive, they had to be absolutely sure before they left without him. But this time, Arthur and Joel weren’t taking anyone else with them. They strictly ordered the others to take Abigail and go to The Loft to wait for their return. They would go back to Beaver Hollow and finish this thing once and for all. Besides, they wanted to have a little chat with Dutch anyhow, and let him know who the real rat in the gang was. That person was Micah Bell. He was selling out the gang at every chance he could get, and maybe, just maybe that information would buy their freedom. It could give them a chance to get out of there alive. Well, that’s what they hoped for. 

Arthur was naïve enough to think Dutch would believe him over the rat, but he was sorely mistaken. The confrontation finally came to a head and Joel drew his weapon first, pointing it directly at Micah. Everyone else drew their guns too. There was a standoff between two people against five, and all of them were ready to shoot each other, but when John suddenly emerged from the trees, yelling at Dutch for leaving him behind, it alerted another squad of Pinkertons roaming around Roanoke Ridge. They had no choice but to fight the wave of detective agents closing in. 

Of course, Dutch being Dutch, it came as no surprise that he left John behind for dead and it came as no further surprise when he ran away with Micah, Cleet, Joe and Javier, leaving Arthur, Joel and John to defend themselves at Beaver Hollow. The camp was completely overrun and they were surrounded by Pinkertons. It was so dark and misty in those woods that they could barely see two feet in front of them. So trekking through the cave was the only way out. 

That cave had always spooked Joel and Arthur. It was a torture chamber for the Murfree Brood Gang when they used to live there, but today, they were chased through the tunnels by agents instead. Once they eventually found their way out on the other side, they whistled for their horses and only had a moment to catch their breaths before taking off again in a hurry. The chase continued and they were hunted down by Dutch and the Pinkertons at the same time. 

Having been chased up the mountains, the fight was inescapable. They couldn’t out run them any further and decided to stand their ground. Maybe it was meant to be or maybe it was just a long list of things going wrong today, but Joel, Arthur and John couldn’t avoid one more battle. Arthur drew his gun and shot first, dropping one of the agents firing from the treeline in the distance. They were everywhere. 

Bullets came from all directions and whizzed past their bodies. It was miraculous that neither of them got shot. John had already taken a bullet today. He couldn't take another. Eventually, all the agents were killed and the coast was clear to keep going forward, but when Micah came out of nowhere and tackled Arthur to the ground, they fought each other viciously. He managed to land a few punches before Joel raised his gun to kill him, but then Dutch called out and put a stop to that. 

“Let them handle this like men.” He said at the time, and lowered his weapon to show that he wouldn’t interfere with the brawl. John and Joel kept an eye on the man, their fingers steady on the trigger of their weapons in case he tried anything while Micah and Arthur continued to beat each other up. It was a fight to death, and it was brutal to watch unfold. They’ve seen Arthur fight many times in the past, but not like that before. He managed to get the upper hand on Micah, and he didn’t stop striking him with his bare fists until he was dead. 

When Dutch saw a copious amount of blood spilling from Micah, he didn’t utter a single word and ultimately accepted his defeat. It was over. He lost everything and it was finally over. There was nothing left for him and he walked away, completely and utterly broken. John stood back with a sickened stomach as Joel pulled Arthur off Micah’s lifeless body. And finally from there, all three of them walked away too, leaving a trail of death behind in their wake. 

As unfortunate as it was, their horses were killed during the chase up the mountains and they had to walk the rest of the way. It would be a treacherous hike through the Grizzlies East region of Ambarino, locating you and the rest of the gang hiding out in The Loft, but it was a journey they needed most. The time they spent together was serene, but freedom didn’t feel real to them and it took a while to actually believe it. There were a few moments today where they didn’t think they’d make it out alive. 

But they did make it out alive, and here they are now. 

Joel and Arthur were walking along a trail when the silence was broken, and it was from John speaking about taking Abigail and Jack far away from here to settle down someplace that he can call home. Suppose that’s when it finally settled in that he was free from Dutch, and the first thing he thought about was his family. It was a heart-warming thing to hear, but Arthur made him promise to never look back once he does leave to find his forever home someplace far away from here. 

Arthur made John promise to never return to the old ways of being an outlaw as it would bring nothing but harm to him and those he loves. He just wanted the man to make use of this fresh start in life and live out the rest of his days in peace. He deserves it. They all do. And that’s something Arthur can’t wait to give each of the remaining members of the Van Der Linde Gang – a new life filled with peace and security.��

When climbing over the peak of a hill and The Loft finally came into view, they could see a couple people standing in the watchtower above the lodge. The place was divine and beautiful, purposefully located within the mountains to provide a set of eyes in all directions. Arthur smiles upon remembering the first time he brought you here, and it really didn’t come as any surprise that you suggested this place as the meet-up point. 

Perhaps if this was a perfect world, he’d live out the rest of days here in Ambarino with you and Joel, but that could never happen because someone, from somewhere, will eventually come for that bounty on his head. Further, Arthur thought to himself, someplace further away from all this. As they neared the lodge and watched the gang in the watchtower scrambling around anxiously, they saw the door down below open up and two people barrelling outside. 

Those two people were you and Abigail. You both ran along the trail so fast that Joel, Arthur and John stopped walking to brace for the impact. You came hurtling towards them and they held their arms open as you crashed into their chests, the sight making them smile and laugh as they held you tightly. “We’re alright, sweetheart.” Arthur murmured, his lips pressed against your forehead. “We did it… We survived.” 

You grabbed them both as hard as you could and sniffled through an apology, “I’m sorry. We tried to save Abigail but…There were too many and I’m so sorry I put that on your shoulders.”   

“S’okay, darlin’.” Joel shushed you gently when burying his face into your neck. You could feel the man’s tears against your skin and it made you cry with him. It was an equal mixture of happy and sad tears. You were so profoundly happy to see that they’re alive, but you’re still grieving over everything that’s happened in the last few hours. God only knows what they’ve been through together, but you could see the blood splatter on Arthur’s clothes, and his knuckles were black and blue. 

You could also see that John was shot in the shoulder, and he winced plentifully when sharing a few loving words between fervent kisses with Abigail. They broke off and looked at Joel and Arthur, nodding appreciatively. “Thank you.” Whispered Abigail as she took them into her embrace. “I could never thank you enough for bringing him back to me… And you,” she pulled back to look at you now, crying. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. You did everything you possibly could to save me, but Jack was your first responsibility first.”  

“Thank you for taking care of him, Y/N.” John added, his tone deeply grateful for everything you’ve done to help his child and the gang. You felt a little more at ease upon hearing their gratitude and wiped your teary eyes. It was rewarding to know that you did something right at least. There was so much that went wrong today, and you fought for a way to save Abigail, but Jack and the rest of the gang would have been put in danger. You had no choice. They had to be taken care of first, and Charles offered to stay behind to save her instead. 

“I’m glad we’re all together now.” You breathed with a ghost of a smile on your lips, then took Joel and Arthur hands in your grasp before leading them both toward The Loft. “Come with me and Abigail. There’s someone very important here to see you three.” 

“Who?” Joel, Arthur and John asked in unison, the sound of their curiosity making you laugh softly. It was so sweet and endearing to hear them in suspense about whom you're referring to. Their minds were boggled, and your heart was leaping out of your chest when you reached the door to the lodge because the man who so desperately wanted to see them would be waiting inside. You and Abigail entered first, then stepped aside to make room. 

There were thirteen people inside the lodge all together and it was cramped. Most were up-top in the watchtower, but Hosea sat on the bed in the corner, sipping on a hot tea. “Howdy fellers.” He smiled as he rose to his feet. “Long time no see, eh?” 

It was uncertain how they would react, but when John rushed forward and stumbled straight into Hosea’s chest, it made you gasp with joy. And when Joel moved across the floor, also taking the man into a tight hug, it made you grin with delight, but when Arthur stood in the doorway, his face as white as a ghost, you held your breath. He didn’t move an inch because he feared that what he was seeing wasn't real. He couldn’t feel his heart beating and didn’t blink at all, only stared at the man he believed to be dead for weeks. 

“Is that any way to greet me?” Hosea made a joke and chuckled, but his laughter quickly faded once he saw the tears welling up in the corners of Arthur’s eyes. It was a heart-rending and tragic sight to witness. The old man approached him carefully and reached out to hold his shoulder. “Take it easy, my son. It’s ok, just take it easy.” He whispered in a soothing tone of voice, hoping to ease Arthur’s distress. 

“W-wha… How…” Arthur tried to speak, but couldn’t properly form the words. It was astonishing and miraculous, unbelievable. But once he felt Hosea’s hand holding his shoulder, his knees buckled beneath him and he fell into the man's arms, heaving a heavy breath of relief. 

For a moment there, Arthur truly believed that he had died and gone to heaven. It would explain why he’s able to see the old man again, but with the sudden realization that he wasn’t dead, and he was in fact, very much alive, the comfort and reassurance flooded his veins rapidly. He just couldn’t express how insanely happy he felt to see Hosea again and simply held him instead. 

Crying is not something you see Arthur do very often. He’s shed a few tears here and there in the past, but for the most part, he’s generally quite emotionally guarded. Right now though, he let the tears fall freely from his eyes and sobbed in Hosea’s arms, releasing all of the emotions he’s kept bottled up inside for weeks and months. The sight was incredibly upsetting to witness and you moved towards Joel to bury your face into his chest, hiding your own tears. You’ve never heard such agonized cries before and it was painful to listen to. 

In spite of how distressing it was, they needed this moment together. Arthur needed to hold the man who raised him since the age of fourteen. He needed to be given that very specific kind of consolation that only a father figure like Hosea could offer. They spent hours in close proximity to each other. You couldn’t pry them apart even if you wanted to. They were inseparable. 

Hosea explained everything that had happened and why he needed to fake his own death while you stayed outside the lodge and helped Susan put together a small encampment. The gang needed somewhere to sleep for the night, possibly several nights, and you wanted to keep yourself busy anyhow. It was a great distraction from this whole mess with Dutch which helped to ease your mind. 

Later, when the dust eventually settled and everyone felt a sense of normality again, you sat around a small fire with the gang and enjoyed every passing moment in their company. Jack was resting on your lap while Abigail was tending to John's wounds in the lodge with the help of Susan and Reverend Swanson. They know a thing or two about stitching up a bullet hole in the shoulder, and he should be back on his feet in a couple of days once the pain eases off. 

Joel leaned into your side and whispered in your ear. “Have I ever told you how beautiful you look with a child in your arms, darlin?” 

“No actually. You haven’t.” You felt your cheeks burning and smiled a flattered kind of smile under his playful gaze. It felt so good to be yourselves again. “Don’t be getting any bright ideas, Joel.” You returned the teasing banter, to which Arthur joined in now and asked. “Why not, sweetheart? Haven’t ya thought about it before?”

“Oh no… Not this again.” You shook your head and laughed at them both. 

“C’mon gorgeous… Enlighten us with how you feel about having our babies.” Arthur chuckled deeply, his tone seductive and fun-loving. He isn’t being serious about having kids. Surely he isn’t. But you have to admit that the topic of conversation would be a whole lot better than talking about all the shit you’ve just been through today. You zoned out for a moment and thought about having kids with Joel and Arthur at some point. The answer to that question wasn’t an immediate no. You could see yourself round and plump with their babies, but not now and not anytime soon. 

“A penny for your thoughts?” Joel looked at you with a smirking smile, his beautiful hazel-coloured eyes exhibiting a hint of lust. “It’s okay if you don’t wanna talk about it, but it’s just something me and Arthur think about from time to time.” 

“Really? You and Arthur think about that?” You asked, shocked to hear that they are, in fact, serious about having kids. You didn’t think they’d want to, especially not after everything that Arthur went through when he lost his son, Isaac. It hurt you so much just hearing about what happened to the young boy, and you can only begin to imagine how he felt during that time of his life. He only ever talked about Isaac and his mother Eliza once, and once was more than enough, but… Maybe someday when he's ready, he could open up a little more and allow himself to heal. 

You didn’t know at which point you started crying, but Joel and Arthur instantly put themselves to blame and apologized for bringing up the subject about having kids again. They mentioned it months ago when Susan asked them for a grandbaby, and the way you feel now was the exact same way you felt back then: deeply flattered, admired and honoured. 

“No, it’s okay.” You wiped your eyes and refused their apologies. “You haven’t upset me, I promise. It’s just that I um… Ok, I am a little upset, but it’s not for the reasons that you think.” 

“You wanna talk about it?” Joel offered an outlet; offered a way for you to attain some release by talking out your feelings, but you politely declined and shook your head. “No, not yet, handsome… But I think that, for now I’d just like to hear what you and Arthur have been thinking about from time to time.” You laughed sweetly, your eyes glossed over with a pretty tint of love and affection for them both. 

They blushed a little and explained in their own ways why they wanted to have your children at some point in the future. It’s simply because they love you so much and they can see themselves living a long life with you as their lady. ‘Our one and only gal’, they often say, bringing you nothing but the best of compliments. Even now as they lean in close to whisper those words in your ear, it consumes your whole entire being with love. 

After exhausting the idea of having kids with them, you concluded. “I suppose that when we’re ready, I’ll remove this implant in my arm.” 

“I never quite understood how that thing worked.” Arthur looked down at your arm, his finger lightly gliding across the little flexible plastic rod beneath your skin. “How does that stop you from getting pregnant?” 

“It releases a hormone in my bloodstream.” You shrugged. Laughing with the vulgar thoughts popping into your mind, you covered Jack’s ears and whispered to Arthur. “Besides, don’t you think it’s nice to pump me full of cum without consequence, sexy?” 

“Oh.” He looked away from you, blushing a lot more this time. The man’s skin was flushed with a rosy red colour as he thought about what you said and how it made him feel.  “Yeah. I do think that’s really nice, sweetheart. And it’s also something that we’ve not had the chance to do in a little while now either.” He looked back into your eyes and smirked, his gaze dropping to your lips briefly. “Why don’t you and Joel go wait for me in the tent? I’ll take Jack back to his momma and come see you both after.” 

“Yes sir.” You winked with the authoritative term, knowing exactly how that makes Arthur feel. Carefully handing Jack over and kissing him on the head, you whispered goodnight to him and took Joel’s hand before heading towards your tent. It wasn’t placed too far away from the rest, nor was it too close either, but one thing you’re certain about is that you’ll have to be quiet. 

And that would be difficult to do, just like it always is when Joel and Arthur make love to you. 

“Is there anything else you’d like to come clean about, sweetheart?” Arthur turned to you and asked, as if he were annoyed, but his facial expression said otherwise. He smiled at you with a twinkle in his eyes and shook his head, shocked and disbelieved. You not only kept a secret about Hosea from him and Joel, but you also kept another secret from them too; a secret that brings you right back to the oak tree on the hill. 

“No, that’s everything. I promise.” You giggled in reply, the sound so sweet to his ears that it made him laugh with you. “I didn’t like lying to you both about these things, but I had to because you already had so much going. Besides, it all worked out in the end, right?” 

They both sighed. “Yeah,” and Joel added to that. “I suppose you did the right thing by keeping all that mess with Francis from us. We’d just worry about yer and make it worse.” 

“M-hm.” You hummed in agreement with that. They certainly would have worried for your safety all those months ago when you freed Mr Sinclair from rotting away in that jail cell. The reason Arthur never got a written response from the man is because the law picked up the letter from the post office. Francis addressed the letter with Arthur’s full name instead of his cover name, Tacitus Kilgore, and he, of course, was pulled in for questioning. The law, however, didn’t release him right away and decided to keep the man in lock up. 

Six months ago exactly, when you sat around a small fire with Hosea outside of Shady Belle, he brought good news about Francis. The old man had found where the law was keeping him detained and had already devised a crafty little plan on how to break him out too. You had a lot of fun that day. It felt like a breeze to work alongside Hosea and the act of breaking someone out of jail wasn’t all that hard in the end. Perhaps it’s because of good planning, or maybe it’s because Hosea is the wittiest con-man there is, and he can bluff his way through just about anything. 

You were admired by the man's work and it was a pleasure to work with him each and every time after that point. Francis was freed from his jail cell and once you made it someplace safe, he finally showed you the way back home through the mirror. That was months ago, but now several weeks have passed since escaping Dutch and it’s time for you to go home now. The gang was taken care of and their safety was ensured. Joel, Arthur, Hosea and yourself made sure of it. 

John took his family out west and bought his very own plot of land, where he will build his own ranch with the help of Charles, Hosea and Uncle to live out the rest of his days. Sadie lives close by so that she can visit regularly too. Mr Pearson and Miss Grimshaw are currently working in Rhodes. They bought their own stores there and will live a happy life in proximity to each other. Karen and Sean left the country via boat. They’re going to Ireland and maybe even travel across Europe. Lenny is heading home to find his mother and be reunited with her. Mary-Beth resides in Valentine where she’s taken up the hobby of writing romantic novels. Swanson moved to New York to become a preacher and Tilly moved to Saint Denis. 

Everyone has been taken care of. Arthur wouldn’t be leaving this world behind if they weren’t. You remember asking him a long time ago to come with you and Joel, but he declined the offer to stay and protect his family instead. You understood his decision back then, but didn’t truly see just how devoted he was to ensuring their safety until you became a part of the gang as well. It made a lot of sense once you became a part of the family, and you, too, became determined to secure a better, safer, future for them. 

However, the time has come now for you to go home and start a new chapter in life. It’s for the best since Arthur still has a large bounty on his head. He doesn’t want to flee to another country across the seas, but with some persuasion from Hosea, he agreed to go with you and Joel instead. It’s going to be another tough adjustment for each of you to get used to. A whole year has passed since you’ve seen your home, and Arthur isn’t familiar with the future of course. There’s a lot that you’ll need to go when you get back, but for now, you’re taking it one step at a time. 

“Are we ready?” You ask them both excitedly. “It’s going to be hard for the first couple of days, maybe even weeks, but I can’t wait to go home with the two men I love most.” 

“Who are these two men you speak of?” Joel teased with a smirk on his lips. “Surely it can't be a pair of fools like us.” He said, and his remark made you slap his chest playfully as Arthur chuckled beside him. After a moment, Joel took your hand and Arthur’s hand before leading you both towards the tree. “Yes, darlin’. We’re ready to go home with the woman we love most.” 

You smiled and leaned in to plant a kiss on his lips, before turning to Arthur and kissing his lips too. The adventure you all went through was frightening and difficult, but you managed to find love along the way from two beautiful men. You got the best of both worlds when those two worlds collided. 

Tagging

Perma Taglist (Everything): @marydjarin @kirsteng42 @supernaturalgirl @supernaturalgirl20 @harriedandharassed @joelmillerscoffee @joelsrifle @swtaur @alexxavicry @boliv-jenta @dragonsondragons @practicalghost @janebby @faceache111 @sleepylunarwolf @tusk89 @anismaria @graciexmarvel @munsonownsmyass 

Joel Miller Taglist: @extraneous-trip @readsalot73 @luvmeijii @pale-gingerale @something-tofightfor @ponyofmilfmom @hb8301 @squidwell @spideysimpossiblegirl @mooraakath @michele131 @chxpsi @zeida @wordsfromshona @dins-cyare @maggiehelene @trickstersp8 @killergoddessmm  @kunakizen @scorpio-marionette @churchofrain @oogaboogasphincter @jmillerswife @uwiuwi @misspascalpunk

All Arthur Morgan Content:@pale-gingerale @readsalot73 @mooraakath @chxpsi @wordsfromshona @kunakizen @churchofrain @margofiore @emiemiemiii @phillygraves @cowboydisaster @photo1030

[firephoenix2305]

CHAPTER 13 OF ETERNITY NOW AVAILABLE ON AO3 AND FFNET!

Finally!! I finished writing it! And what a rollercoaster of a chapter; I hope it makes your heart race like mine did while writing it!!

[Post season 2 angst-full with mysteries and adventures and having to stop metaturd, if you'd like to give it a try. Teen and up]

I've written this down on the notes as well, but basically, and I'm so so sorry, I'm going to have to go MIA writing and publishing-wise until at least June. (Nobody died, I just have to concentrate on my finals).

So, to be forgiven (and not having to dance for it), here's a 10k word chapter!!!! Yup, you did read that correctly! Plot heavy, prose heavy (hence why it took so long, dialogue is more my forte) and very, very crazy. Good Omens style. (If I did it right, that is)

<3

Warning: Obscenely badass Aziraphale below cut :)

And actual TW for the chapter: Weapons (swords, spears)

- The building is surrounded - Uriel declared, in the tone of voice of one who is really convinced they have won - Your transport is guarded. I'm sure you've had fun in this wild goose chase, but you have reached the end. You are cornered - - Don't be so sure of that - Aziraphale immediately replied with not a single drop of doubt in his deep, severe voice, making even Crowley get a chill down his spine - I'm not letting you take Eleyn or hurt these people. Whatever that should take - - Spare your empty threats, cherub - Michael shot back, never releasing his eyes - You have no miracles, no way to escape; you're not even armed! - - Yet - the angel snapped, livid, and the archangel's stoic façade finally faltered - You often forget, Michael, that I am the angel of the Eastern Gate. I was created to protect; and I will not hesitate to do it, should you give me a reason- - Who are you trying to intimidate? - the archangel challenged, thought their voice was very slightly higher than before - We outnumber you ten to one - - And you also threaten those I care about – Aziraphale retorted – Believe me, the odds are not in your favor – he took a steadying breath, never releasing Michael’s gaze – Now, stand down and go back the way you came, before we need to make a mess of things- - And if I don’t? - the archangel shot back, though this time there was a slight tremor to their voice. - Then may God forgive me – he breathed, determination burning in his every word.

And another little snippet, because I love this line so freaking much.

Aziraphale knew that feeling; it had accompanied him almost every day for nearly six thousand years of existence. That sinking feeling one got upon understanding that everything they thought to be good wasn’t really that good, and everything they thought to be irredeemably bad maybe wasn’t that bad at all.

[hunahuna-un]

Fic catalogue: ❤

Don't know quite where to start? Here is a short list hopefully helpful in picking what you'd like.

Couple things: ♥ All Explicit, unless otherwise stated (rest are Mature) ♥ All have old name for cowboy ♥ All yeehan (mchanzo), minus the separate list ♥ Mind the tags / warnings!

List mentions whether it's versatile, top or bottom, or just other. Tags mentioned are only a few key tags.

♥ All my works ♥ Series (most are loosely) ♥ Collections Listed: Longer fics, One shots, Not just yeehan, Other (not a fic per se)

This got long, so the 20 fics are below cut. ^^;

~~~ notes: btm Han = bottom Hanzo top Han = top Hanzo versatile = both (or neither?) other = no penetration (may have fingering)

(I debated whether to include this, but since it matters to many and not all my fics have it tagged, I thought this was a good way for those who give a damn about top/bottom to find something. Many also have lot of other forms including mouth, thighs, fingers etc. So this is very barebones.) Canon is more like based on canon. I have so many AUs so... Noodles = noodle dragons ~~~

Longer fics:

- Twisted Roads (73k/80+k fin.) ch: 25/28, first, canon, one night stand gone wrong, after recall, versatile - Secret of the Forest ch: 4/20+, Fantasy AU, Elfzo, Orcass, slow burn, size difference, btm Han - Frozen Doll (14k) [finished! Mature] Fantasy AU, Winter Fae Hanzo + Bear shapeshifter, hot spring, sauna, rituals, btm Han - Giving a Finger (10k) [finished!] canon, after recall, noodles, oral fixation, other - The Words Left Unsaid (7,1k/written 11,8k+) ch: 3/10?, canon, Scion trans Hanzo + bodyguard, sexual tension, fuckbuddies, everyone is a little shit, power btm Hanzo - Dragon’s Heart (3,3k/written 6,3k+) ch: 2/? (6-8), denial Hanzo, drunk sex, somno, noodles It's not gay if the balls don't touch - Take me back (5,7k) [finished! Mature] canon, kidnapping, pining, noodles what happened not tagged (hence chose no warnings) - Only Human (5,7k) [finished!] AU, dad dragon hanzo + hunter, enemies to lovers, fuck or die, size difference, oviposition (marked), rough sex, pwp one shot really, top Han - Time Is Eternity ch: 1/?, AU, currently has meeting as kids + teens very benign, will be on backburner for now

One shots:

[all finished!] mostly just pwp/smut, length 1-5k~ - Tonight (login) Scion Hanzo, Blackwatch cowboy, canon, semi-public, versatile - Those Gloves (login) Scion Hanzo, Blackwatch cowboy, canon, gloves, spanking, dirty talk, dom Hanzo, other - Old Love, New Care Omnic / Cyber Dragon Hanzo, canon/AU, rough sex, angst, nails, dirty talk, my dick is crying, top Han - The Forbidden Flower Elfzo + invisible cowboy (race not specified), Fantasy AU, biting, semi public, exhibitionism, degradation, dirty talk, btm Han - Cupid's Shot (login) Cupid Hanzo (trying to hook him up), am i gay?, ch1: top Han, ch2: btm Han (they have different smut) - Tide both mers, Fantasy AU, mating rituals, mer genitalia, versatile (simultaneously) - Little minx wants to ride the cowboy dick (login) masturbation, voice kink, dirty talk, rp side fic, btm Han (fantasy) / other - Dancing Dragon [Mature] erotic dancing, strip tease, lapdance, teasing - Today is a fine day for... Lifeguard, semi-public, sex toys, filming, teasing, btm Han

Not just yeehan:

- Three's a Crowd DragonLily (side dish) + Yeehan (endgame, Explicit)

-Love and Thrust Yeehanweaver (yeehan + Niran)

Other:

-Hanzo's poems (Each chapter is a separate poem) -The the the (don't ask)

[knifegremliin]

I often think about the hatred of your posts breaching containment and hitting like 10k notes. I think the artist in my brain gets excited at the thought because hey maybe that'd draw in more followers and hence more people would see my art. but then there's the horrors.

[jessamine-rose]

✿ Herbarium – Author’s Note ✿

Read Herbarium here!! ღゝ◡╹)ノ⚘ 

Read Fairytale here!! Σ੧(❛□❛✿)

Aahhh so first of all?? Thank you so much for all of the comments and reblogs!! I was blown away by the amount of positive feedback for my writing, and I hope that more people will enjoy reading Herbarium (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

This post is just me rambling about details in the fic, my characterization of Yandere! Capitano and his darling, and bonus content which didn’t make it into the final draft. If you want to know about the creative details and symbolism……..here you go  (◞ꈍ∇ꈍ)っ

“You had long given up on wishes and happy endings. After what you believed to be the end of your tragic story, you resigned yourself to a shadow of a life with only your books and flowers to keep you company…until the vestiges of Windblume brought forth a mysterious stranger and a new ending for your dark fairytale.” (AO3 Summary)

✿ Introduction ✿

♡ Apologies for tagging you two again, but I simply can’t talk about Capitano without mentioning @bye-bye-sunbird and @yandere-romanticaa!! I absolutely adore their characterizations of Capitano due to the Beauty and the Beast vibes and themes of devotion, chivalry, monstrosity/ knighthood, etc. Now would also be a good time to credit the posts which inspired Capitano and Damsel’s first meeting and the beginning scene of ix. whopperflower <3

♡ From the start, I wanted Herbarium to have dark fairytale vibes and a twisted happy ending, hence having to churn out 10k words in order to logically explain Damsel’s behavior and backstory. (In reality, I just prefer victorious yanderes and docile darlings lol) I’m quite happy with how the ending turned out, because I’d like to believe that I successfully framed Damsel’s new life as Capitano’s darling and her descent into Stockholm Syndrome as a “happy ending.”

♡ It’s just………..dwdkndekwedneks the juxtaposition of Damsel finding love, family, and a home in Capitano versus the terrifying reality of her newfound codependency!! If I ever write a side story or short continuation to this fic, I’d like to illustrate her psychological demise from the perspective of either Capitano or another character.

♡ Also, allow me to thank @diodellet​ once again!! Aside from being my main consultant for Genshin lore, she also peer-reviewed the fic and offered great revision notes!! You can thank her for suggesting the nightmare montages and spicing up the beginning of ix. whopperflower amongst other scenes.

✿ Characters ✿

♡ Regarding my own characterization of Capitano, I had the most fun writing his dialogue!! His dialogue in the Harbingers trailer is very sophisticated, so I tried to translate that into dignified speech and prose-y statements. For his face, I imagine a mix of these images?? So yeahh I think he would look very impassive with a terrifying gaze and less severe scars (as Hoyoverse will probably make him more “attractive and marketable” for the game)

♡ I headcanon Capitano to be a very patient, protective yandere who utilizes both his physical strength and his intelligence as a military strategist. In addition to reading all of Damsel’s books as a means of psychoanalyzing her, he also controls her hobby/ source of escapism and weaponizes book spoilers lmao. There is a careful balance between how he uses light physical threats to scare Damsel and how he treats her in a gentle manner which portrays him as “better” than the people from her past.

♡ In writing Damsel’s personality, I focused on the comparison and contrast between her and Capitano. While she has peaceful hobbies and an aversion to violence, she is also inexpressive, quiet, and asocial; in that sense, she isn’t so different from Capitano. Her passivity and pessimism are fatal flaws which prevent her from actively seeking help or recovery from her past, which in turn solidifies her “damsel in distress” position as Capitano’s darling :>

♡ Additional notes on Damsel’s backstory!!

♡ My own name and appearance for Damsel

✿ Literary Motifs ✿

♡ Herbarium – Damsel is not the type to nurture flowers or appreciate their natural transcience. Instead, she collects flowers in order to own them completely and permanently preserve their beauty. From the start, I wanted to draw a parallel between this hobby and Capitano’s own treatment of Damsel…....yeahh idk if I was actually able to do that xD

♡ Dark/ subverted fairytales – aahhh I just really love exploring themes of love, delusion, and happy endings within the yandere genre!! It was fun switching between Capitano’s moments as both the monster and the hero in Damsel’s story. In the end, his darling was always going to be a tragic character trapped between choosing a depressing ending or a false happily ever after ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡

♡ Hades and Persephone – NO BC I WASN’T ORIGINALLY INSPIRED BY THAT MYTH??!! I only included those parallels in the final revision after deciding on the name of Ceres Fames. I wanted to give the character a symbolic name, and one candidate was the Greek/ Roman goddess of hunger and famine. Except that I didn’t like how Limos/ Fames sounded, then I remembered that her opposite is Demeter/ Ceres…….yeah. It was a very wtf coincidence when I later realized the couple’s Hades and Persephone vibes, the fact that Ceres only appears when Capitano is away on missions, and the duality of the goddess Demeter/ Ceres. It also made ix. whopperflower an unintentional subversion of Persephone’s abduction, complete with Ceres’s Delusion being changed from originally Electro to Cryo (❅▽❅)

✿ Flower Symbolism ✿

♡ Idk why I decided to make my life harder by using flowers as section dividers. Anyway, just know that all of these flowers were originally chosen simply because they grow in Teyvat. There is no important symbolism regarding my choice of windwheel asters, cecilia, calla lilies, sweet flowers, or dendrobium. I just found ways to incorporate those flowers in their respective sections.

♡ At this point, I don’t think I need to explain Damsel’s parallels to/ relationship with dandelions. Roses were featured for the white/ red color symbolism, unavailability in Mondstadt, and meanings of secrecy in Genshin lore. (And if Hoyoverse later says that roses can’t grow in Snezhnaya, just assume that Capitano had the rosebush artificially planted for Damsel) Whopperflower is meant to represent Ceres’s deceit.

♡ Mint belongs to the first category but I’m giving the flower its own bullet point for this reason:: After realizing the Hades and Persephone coincidences in the fic, I recalled the Greek myth of Minthe. So mint became a fitting flower for Damsel’s moment of doubt and separation anxiety.

♡ Windblume is supposed to represent Damsel offering a kiss/ herself to Capitano. If I wasn’t able to allude to that properly in the fic, rip now you know. Back when Damsel was an OC in my imagination, she was named after a flower so the Windblume connotation was more obvious.

✿ Deleted Scenes ✿

♡ Post-kidnapping, Damsel is already referred to as Capitano’s wife. In the first draft of vi. rose, there is a scene where Capitano gives her a ring with a flower design. I ended up scrapping that scene later on, but just imagine that they had an off-screen “proposal.” And in response to a comment on AO3, I don’t plan to write a wedding scene in the future.

♡ When I was still figuring out how to incorporate roses in vi. rose, I wrote about Capitano and Damsel visiting a flower shop in Snezhnaya. There was a friendly Dendro shopkeeper who would show Damsel the roses and get threatened by Capitano but yeahhh, it didn’t feel scary enough. It was eventually replaced by the private tour of the woods.

♡ I also thought of Damsel interacting with more Harbingers, specifically Pantalone and Arlecchino. I chose Pantalone because he also experienced hardships in his early life and was denied a Vision by the gods—but unlike her, he actively changed his circumstances and didn’t succumb to melancholy. As for Arlecchino, Damsel would’ve compared the House of the Hearth to the orphanage she grew up in.

✿ My Favorite Scenes ✿

“There is not a single moment when I do not think of you or your safety,” he tells you. He reaches for your hand and intertwines your fingers. “Let these be your words of comfort until I return to you.” (vii. mint)

♡ Watch as I get f*cked over by my own writing. No matter how many times I read this dialogue, I find myself simping and feeling big-brained. If I were to ever commission an artist to draw something for Herbarium, I would definitely choose this scene  Σ>―(〃°ω°〃)♡→

Then there was the Eleventh Harbinger. Capitano had attended an appointment with his fellow Harbingers—a rare gathering, apparently—so you had to wait outside their meeting place. When the door finally opened, Tartaglia was the first to leave.

“Oh? You don’t look like you work here,” he said, walking over to you. The smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Were you listening in on our conversation, little mouse?” (vii. mint)

♡ Not Childe showing up for 0.5 seconds and stealing my heart. This was one of the last scenes to be written and I think it added a nice touch to the final draft. I think Childe would be curious about Capitano’s darling but also smart enough to know his limits. Also, while Damsel’s age is kept ambiguous, I imagine her to be 28-30 years old and therefore older than Childe. That is just a random detail I wanted to mention  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

✿ Capitano x Damsel Playlist ✿

Aka I tried to listen to music during my writing breaks, only to start cursing because the lyrics kept reminding me of Capitano and Damsel. If anyone would like to recommend darker/ yandere songs, be my guest

♡ Lots of Love – Kuzu no Honkai ost

♡ Pearl Tower by Anna Evans golden folks

♡ Sora to Utsuro (空と虚) by sasanomaly

♡ 0 (zero) by LMYK

♡ Your Name by Little Glee Monster

♡ 

That’s all I have to say!! I ended up rambling quite a bit, but I’m truly happy that I was able to finish Herbarium and write a fic which I can be proud of. I hope you all enjoyed Herbarium and this Author’s Note, and may the Capitano agenda gain more followers  ˶ づ ˊ ꒳ ˋ づ ˶

[fuckin-nancy]

tagged by @beardedladyqueen, thank you!! <3

Tag 9 people you want to get to know better. 

Currently reading: cousin phillis by elizabeth gaskell and dracula via dracula daily

Last song: laser life by the blood brothers

Currently watching: arcane yet again. i’m working on a fic that takes place a few months after the first act, but in edits i noticed jinx’s body language seemed kinda off so i’m rewatching it and taking notes lol

Current fic: nothing right now. 😭 i’ve been meaning to check ao3, but keep on forgetting. (maybe i’ll do it when i go to bed. ideal fic-reading time.)

Writing? i’ve got four projects in rotation right now, plus two on the backburner. (hence why i never actually finish anything lmao.)

fuzzy orange menace – gen fic for arcane, takes place about half a year after silco took jinx in. silco, against his better judgment, allows jinx to adopt a cat. i was originally going to post it on father’s day, but that was when i thought it was going to be 5k. now it’s looking like it’ll be well over 10k. r.i.p. me.

you want me so bad it makes you look stupid (placeholder title) – silco x reader one-shot, in which reader is an awkward scientist.

[insert placeholder title here] – silco x reader regency au. probably will end up being a two-chapter. involves a secret relationship and a ball.

aaand i’m on-and-off outlining an original project. exciting stuff!

Next on my watchlist: idk, a bunch of little things i can’t remember off the top of my head

Current obsession: arcane still going strong

-

tagging (no pressure obvs): @deputyash, @polgara6, @woundedheartwithin, @redrum-eht, @murderous-wolf-daddy, @socially-awkward-skeleton, @veinereastath, @clicheantagonist, @teamhawkeye

[meirimerens]

Hi Meiri, I hope you have been well!!!

I'm way late asking this but I wanted to wait until I finished ASEFSW to ask:

Did you have any favorites parts and or any authors notes or details that didn't make it in?

I confess that my favorite thing about your fics where Farkhad makes an appearance is the way you describe him and his manner of speaking

TEEHEE THANK YOOOOUUU THEY'RE EASILY one of my favorite parts too..... i had such a blast writing him using early modern english in TA&AT even if it was taxing to have to drop everything and search for conjugations... we did its(sic). his fics are only truly the one i can/feel the narrative drive to go Balls To It with the intertext elements... for he is [his]story... for he is nothing but it... [his]story alive through word...

and funnily[?] enough there is not much in ASEFSW's draft that didn't make it into the finish story... in fact there is a lot that was Not In The Draft that i added. the story was supposed to be. way shorter. or at least i imagined it way shorter. had told myself it'd be less than 10k and Well. we've seen how it went. this happens to me everytime. there is One thing that was in the draft that didn't make it, & it's a french part:

that would have made it 2 french poetry parts in the whole text, but i did not find a satisfactory place to put it so... scraped. goodbybye. a shame because i did really like "Ville entière / Ville-terre / Ville-tare . [...] tôt ou tard" liked it.

as for my fave parts in it... hard to tell because i did have such a great time writing ASEFSW so much fun... i really do like the very first paragraph/the intro i think it sets the tone just right...

in general i loved putting the myths/mythologies in the text such as in here...

LOVED WRITING THE HOUSE GET WEIRDER WITH IT(self)...

loooooved writing the whole opiumpainting transformation scene. it was important to me that it happened to them. i'm really happy with how it turned out.

loved this...

hehe :3

loved the gay male house

hence why i wrote it really.

loved the evil house

hence why i wrote it really. :3

THANK YOU AGAIN... HAPPY TO HEAR YOU WIKED MY FARKHAD... i wike him too. consistently writing him get his skull bashed in. but he's fine. so. c'est de bonne guerre.

[warm-mojito]

hi, just stumbled upon your account in the jet lag tag (thanks for the drinking game)! i've never heard of blaseball before, and unfortunately it seems i'm late to the party, but i'd love to learn what it was about! i love weird cool internet things

Hoo boy, I'm glad you enjoyed the Drinking Game! I sure can try my best to explain what Blaseball was. But quick warning, it's a lot.

Okay, so at its core, Blaseball was a Baseball Simulator, where you could bet fake money on simulated games, where players could die mid game. Hence the name Blaseball, which is a mixture of Blood, and Baseball.

Blaseball games took 30 minutes to an hour to play out, and would start new games at the top of the hour. Seasons would last a week, with generally the schedule being 2 weeks of games, followed by an average of 2 weeks of "Siesta", a time where no games were going, and almost nothing happened, that gave the developers time to crush bugs, and implement new features.

At the end of each season there was an election, where fans (us), could use the money we made betting, to buy votes, to vote in the election. Every season there was the big thing to vote on, The Decrees, which had wide sweeping implications on how Blaseball would continue to be played; as well as smaller things to vote on that impacted team performance, such as legendary items, or custom modifications that protected players from some fates.

To be clear, in Season 1 there was no death, and nothing weird going on, everything just seemed like your standard baseball game, very reminisciant of the 1968 book, "The Universal Baseball Association, Inc., J Henry Waugh, Prop." By Robert Coover. That said, there was one very peculiar thing, and that was the decrees.

In season 1, the decrees were listed as:

Redistribute Wealth: The top five players from the Internet Series champion will be distributed to five other random teams in the league.

Relegation: The last place team in the league will be eliminated from the league, and replaced with a new team.

The Forbidden Book: It is Forbidden.

Obviously, The Forbidden Book was the one that was voted on, and that's when they really put the Blood, in Blaseball, as immediately after opening the book, the umpires went Rogue, and the best player, Jaylen Hotdogfingers (Please note this was July 2020, well before EEAAO), was incinerated, by one. In addition a Hellmouth would swallow the Moab dessert, and the team that was formerly known as the Moab Sunbeams, would henceforth be known as the Hellmouth Sunbeams.

The final change was that Blaseball received a Subtitle, and this subtitle was "The Discipline Era". There are a few eras of Blaseball, there is the Discipline Era, The Coffee Cup, The Expansion Era, Short Circuits, and The Coronation Era. Each one functions as essentially the next chapter of the story.

This said, it is regrettable that I have gotten this far into my summary of Blaseball without talking about the community that formed around it. It was passionate. It was bright. It was essentric. To this day there are few players, that had any playtime, that do not have at least one piece of fan art for them. There is a music collective that started up, that is called The Garages that made songs about the game, that are incredible (If you like Ska Punk I highly recommend their album The Skarages), which got their name from the in game team, The Seattle Garages. All of this for a list of names on a webpage. There was not official art of anyone in Blaseball. No physical descriptions. No personality included. The fans breathed life into the characters adding some, and the developers (The Game Band, who also created a game called Where Cards Fall that you actually can go play on Steam and Switch still) embraced it, and basically said all of it was canon and none of it was canon.

Did the fans have their fair share of drama? Of course, any time you group 10k+ people together, of course not all of them are going to get along. I mostly avoided this by spending most of my time on Twitter for Blaseball, instead of in discords, and using the Block Button liberally.

I could go point by point down the story of Blaseball, but I imagine that if you're still reading at this point, that you'll probably want to go do that yourself, and you can! Blaseball originally had a Fandom wiki, however they realized that the company Fandom sucked, so the fans in the Society for Internet Blaseball Research (SIBR for short), created a new wiki which can be found at Blaseball.wiki, from there you can learn about everything that happened, it's very well organized.

Last Friday, June 2nd, The Game Band announced after a 4 month hiatus that Blaseball would not be coming back, and that we would not be seeing an end to The Coronation Era. The reasons of which are complicated, and many. One of the developers tweeted out in the hours leading up to the announcement "(quote from man who died by a thousand cuts): what are you gonna do, stab me one thousand times", which is likely the situation, as sometimes it isn't 1 big cut that does it, but 1000 little ones.

I hope this helps you understand what Blaseball was, I am open to answering further questions in DMs.

[gpuzzle]

so I'm thinking about hunting again

not about partaking in the act of hunting, though that's baller

but about how humans hunted historically

cordage is biodegradable, and so would be woven fish traps, so snares, fishing, nets, etc take way too long to show up in archaeological records

the earliest evidence of a spear is 400k years old, the earliest evidence of cordage is 50k years old, we're closer to evidence of cordage than evidence of cordage is to evidence of a spear

and the "persistence hunting" thing never sat right with me, human hunting has more in common with ambush and scavenging, which also would help with our lack of fur increasing the ability to hide by applying multiple types of camo such as wearing pelts, spreading mud on yourself, etc

some kind of persistence hunting was a thing, but that's called domestication, which is way newer, it's why we have self selected sheep for the ones that won't run that far away

so why was hunting efficient? it was clearly efficient enough to be something we did semiregularly, and by dint of evolutionary pressure it wasn't rejected outright; it was clearly better than not doing it

but a "hunt" was an organized large thing, hence the Calydonian Boar Hunt; the idea of hunting vs a royal hunt end up quite different

what's the return on active hunting over passive hunting? like the opportunity cost of lost labor vs the return? obviously pelts and leather besides fold for starters, but that's also biodegradable, which is as stated an issue; the first signs we have of leatherworking are around 10k years old (note, I don't like BCE/CE because it clearly involves a mythical Event and refuses to admit it, just say BC/AD)

in fact hideworking first dates to about 400k years ago, lining up with pigments, spears, hanting and early woodworking

I need to run a model based on the return of slaughtering an animal (or several) and to find the minimum return per day and/or calories spent