#his trauma with his sister isn’t that badly written to me

[tragedyfetishist]

Considering there’s apparently going to be more Danganronpa games eventually Kodaka gonna need to get better at writing characters with trauma because like he did good with the WOH and Nagito buuuut like I’m gonna need him to get some sensitivity players or something before he accidentally makes another Mikan or Korekiyo situation.

[molly-ghuleh]

Camellia: Copia x f!reader - Chapter 4

Camellia: n. - A flower which symbolizes a deep desire or longing.

Summary: Sister Imperator gives you an ultimatum, and Papa helps talk you through it.

Word Count: 5.3k

A/N: Here is where it gets interesting!! I'm proud of this one hehe, I hope you all enjoy!! <3

Warnings: Religious trauma, anxiety, brief mentions of family trauma

AO3 / Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3

“You are telling me,” Sister Imperator eyes you sternly, “that you have only translated one word?” 

You shrink under Sister’s harsh gaze. She’d come to the restricted room just before the dinner hour, touting a poorly-masked frown of annoyance, to inform you that she’d scheduled a meeting after breakfast the next morning. There were no pleasantries whatsoever. No good afternoon, Sister, how are you? No How are you settling in? No How is the translation coming along? Simply a raised eyebrow and a request for your presence in her office at nine o’clock sharp. 

You’d tossed and turned all night, trying to figure out a way to say ‘I’ve been working for three days straight and have almost nothing to show for it’. With sleep evading you, you’d trudged back up to the restricted room in the middle of the night to stare at the diary again until dawn. 

Part of you had hoped Papa would come to the library again. A very large, very noisy part of you centered somewhere in your chest had pounded at the mere thought of seeing him. Maybe you’d get the chance to ask him what he’d been looking for the first night you met? He was poking around the romance section… 

But you stamped that feeling down. You are no use to Elizabeth if your mind and heart are preoccupied with a man you know you shouldn’t be thinking about. He is just taking care of his flock, you’d told yourself. He’s Papa, it’s his duty. 

He had been so sweet to bring you oranges.

Despite your efforts, you’d gotten nowhere this morning. You’re still stuck on Today, with no hints or prospects of figuring out what happened on that first Today of the diary. So here you stand, feeling rather like a kicked puppy in front of Sister Imperator. She’s frowning again but this time she has good reason to do so. 

“Yes, Sister,” you say, hanging your head. Your face burns hot under her scrutiny. “But you must understand, the journal is in a—”

“I don’t care if it’s written in hieroglyphs, Sister. You are here to figure it out. Are you telling me you can’t do it?” 

You shake your head. “No, Sister, I can—” 

“Then do it.” 

You’re eleven. Your mother stares down at you, holding your secret (or, what you’d thought to be secret) diary in front of your face. It’s opened to the page you’d hoped your parents would never see. The page which prompted your visit to Liège. If God loves me, you’d written, why does He make me question myself? Is it because I doubt Him that he makes me doubt myself?

“Yes, Sister,” you nod. 

Sister Imperator lifts her glasses from the chain around her neck to the tip of her nose. It’s a sign of dismissal, you know, but you are almost scared to move without her permission. 

“Come see me tomorrow. I expect progress, Sister. Otherwise I will have to look elsewhere.” 

“Yes, Sister.” 

You turn with a small bow (which she doesn’t acknowledge) and make for the door. Your heart pounds in your ears. If you don’t figure out Elizabeth’s method, you’ll be sent home. 

You’ll be sent home to Marseille.  

Perhaps you should allow her to send you home. That’s what you’ve wanted the whole time, isn’t it? Though you’re not sure which outweighs the other: your homesickness, or your curiosity about Elizabeth. 

You hadn’t exactly been given a choice when Sister Imperator summoned you to the Abbey, but that doesn’t mean you hadn’t been intrigued. You had known you’d miss home, and you were somewhat prepared for it. What you hadn’t been prepared for, however, was to discover just how badly you want to unravel the history written in the diary. Elizabeth must be a significant figure in the Ministry’s past. Why else would Sister Imperator want it translated so urgently?

It doesn’t matter. If you don’t make some sort of breakthrough in the next twenty-four hours, you’ll be on a plane back to France in forty-eight and you’ll never find out just who Elizabeth was. 

Why is that idea so abhorrent to you?  

You close your eyes and try to calm yourself down. Sister Imperator is not your mother. She is not holding your faith over your head. No one is holding your faith over your head. Your worth as a person doesn’t go away if you fail just this once, you tell yourself, breathing intentionally slowly. Lucifer will not value you any less. 

When you finally push yourself away from Sister Imperator’s closed door, you find Papa standing at the next door down the corridor, regarding you. His brows are furrowed, which carves the line between his brows a little deeper. He holds a key, slotted into the brass doorknob of what you assume is his office door. He doesn’t move, doesn’t turn the key and push the door to enter his office, just… stands there, and looks at you. 

You look back. 

He’s wearing a leather vest with intricate gold clasps over a black shirt with a high, frilly neck. His sleeves are puffy, but cinched in at the wrists. On anyone else the shirt might look overly antiquated, but Papa wears it well. The high neck frames his jaw and chin, the black contrasted with the full Papal paints he’d decided to wear this morning. His trousers are, of course, black, and tight. Tight enough to make your face flush with heat when your eyes involuntarily wander down, following the curve of his spine as he stands sideways. 

Oh, Hell.  

“Sorella? ” Papa speaks. Your eyes flick back up to meet his and you find that your heart is pounding in your ears yet again. “Are you alright?” 

You nod and attempt a smile. “Yes, Papa, thank you.” 

He doesn’t seem convinced, and if you’re honest, you wouldn’t be either. He moves his gaze from your face to the closed door of Sister Imperator’s office, and then back to you. “She can be, eh…” he searches for the right word, “...harsh. Don’t let it get to you.” 

You huff out a small laugh. “That is easier said than done.” 

“Yes, it is,” Papa smiles back. The crease between his brows fades. “Will you… come in, for a bit?” 

His invitation catches you off guard. You think it catches him off guard, too, because his eyes seem to flick back and forth between your own with an uncertainty like he’s anticipating your refusal. 

Should you refuse? You do have a deadline to meet, but… It’s very likely you won’t find the missing link in time for your meeting with Sister Imperator. If you haven’t found it by now, chances are you won’t ever find it. 

It’s not just about the deadline, though. You realize this as soon as you contemplate turning his invitation down—the thought of saying no and bidding him a good morning leaves a heavy weight in your chest. Satan, this hadn’t been part of your plan. You’d planned to keep to yourself, keep your head down. You weren’t supposed to crave connection with someone. You weren’t supposed to want to agree to invitations, to accept oranges, to hope he’d be in the library in the early hours of the morning. You weren’t supposed to want to stay, and it certainly wasn’t supposed to be for Papa. 

But you do, and it is. 

“Actually, you know what,” Papa says. Your cheeks blaze with heat again when you realize you must have been staring at him like a loon. He removes the key from his office door and pockets it. “Let’s go for a walk, eh? Have you seen the Abbey gardens yet? There’s a wonderful little path that goes all the way around the grounds. It might help you to clear your head. And then you’ll tell your Papa what’s wrong, yes?”

He extends an arm, inviting you to walk beside him. You push yourself up from where you’d been leaning on the wall and fall into step with him. “Thank you, Papa. I… I think I need fresh air.”

Papa leads you past the rest of the Clergy offices and down the staircase which leads into the main hall. The opening of the staircase had taken you longer to find than you’re willing to admit. It’s flanked on either side by large potted plants, making the doorway leading to the stairs virtually impossible to see until you’ve already passed it. You wonder how many other corridors and stairwells and secret doors you’ve missed because of conveniently-placed decorations. 

Instead of turning towards the large front doors of the Abbey, Papa guides the two of you towards the refectory. The large room is empty at this hour, save for a few Siblings who use it as a meeting place. It’s a different way than you’d expected, but you don’t question the route Papa takes—he must know the Abbey like the back of his hand. 

He leads you through the refectory and into the kitchens. Several Siblings are already working hard to prepare lunch. The large, brick-walled room is a whirlwind of smells and heat and aprons flitting about. Whatever it is that the Siblings are preparing today smells delicious, and it makes your stomach twist with hunger. Oh, Papa would be angry at you if he knew you’d skipped breakfast again. 

The two of you skirt along the walls of the kitchen, careful not to get in the way of any Siblings at work. They hardly even notice you. One Brother of Sin nods his head respectfully at Papa and gives you a smile, which you shyly return, but he misses it when he ducks his head back down to focus on not mincing his fingers into the large pile of garlic under his knife.

Despite the delicious smells swirling around the kitchens, you breathe a sigh of relief when Papa leads you through a creaky wooden door and out into the chilly morning air. It’s an overcast day but not too dark, casting the grounds in a cool glow. A thin, grassy dirt path leads from the kitchen door down a hill to the Abbey gardens. 

You understand why they’re called the gardens now, rather than the singular garden. 

Four large greenhouses and a garden shed are lined up at the bottom of the hill. Through the transparent glass, you can tell that each greenhouse is filled wall-to-wall with greenery. Several Siblings carry baskets and walk up and down the greenhouses, checking soil, pruning leaves, and harvesting ripe vegetables. A basket full of ripe red tomatoes sits outside the rightmost greenhouse. The path from the kitchen door leads directly to the greenhouses, likely a result of Siblings carrying fresh ingredients directly to the door you’ve just stepped through.  

About halfway down the gentle hill, the path forks to the left. It veers off and disappears into a labyrinth of shrubs. The only thing flowering this early in the year are the bright yellow daffodils, which flank the garden path leading into the flower bushes. 

From this vantage point atop the hill, you spot another building off in the corner of the Abbey grounds, nestled just outside the edge of the forest. You hadn’t noticed it until now. It almost looks abandoned, but the neatly trimmed garden at its front suggests otherwise. The tiny steeple with an inverted cross, made of red and yellow stained glass, tells you that it’s a small chapel.

The step from the kitchens to the worn dirt path is a large one. Papa hops down with a small oof, and before you can step down after him, he turns and holds his gloved hand out for you to take. 

The leather feels like smooth, warm butter against your palm. His fingers gently grasp your hand, and you meet his eyes as he guides you down the tall step. For a moment you understand the swell of music, the stray flower petals, the slowing of time that moments like these are described with in books. While it is a simple gesture, Papa handing you down off the step seems incredibly… intimate. You are not the type to swoon but you can see how a Lady might, while being guided down from a carriage or a grand staircase.

You almost reach down to gather expensive silk skirts, but the moment is broken when your foot lands on the ground. This isn’t a romance novel and you aren’t a Lady. Even if you were a Lady, Papa is the King and you are the third daughter of some country Baron with a tiny homestead and a measly dowry. 

“There we go,” Papa says as you land on the ground. He gives you a warm smile and squeezes your hand for a brief moment before letting it go. “Now, would you like to tell me about what happened with Sister?”

You stroll next to him down the hill, following the left fork of the path which leads into the labyrinth of flower bushes. “Well,” you sigh. “Last night she asked me to come to her office this morning to discuss progress. She was… less than pleased that I’ve only been able to translate a single word so far. I’m sure you can imagine.”

“I can,” Papa says sympathetically. “What did she say?”

A humorless laugh escapes you. “She said that if I haven’t made significant progress by tomorrow morning, she’ll send me home.”

Papa’s head, which had been slightly bowed to watch his footing as he walks beside you, shoots up. “Home? To–-to Marseille?”

Oh, no no. Copia doesn’t like that idea at all. He is just starting to know you, to figure out why he feels so drawn to you. So attracted to you. You can’t leave him. Not yet. 

You nod, but leave the conversation at that. The silence floats in the air between you like a mutual understanding. There’s something here, it says in the breeze. And there is something—regardless of how desperately you’d tried to stay detached, how adamantly you tell yourself you don’t care about him at all. There is something, and it will be gone tomorrow morning. 

“I will talk to Sister,” he says quietly. 

You shake your head. “No, Papa, it’s alright. I will—”

“Copia.”

You blink. “What?”

“Call me Copia,” he asks gently. His gaze meets yours and you notice that there’s an errant lock of hair in front of his eyes. 

He wants to hear his name leave your lips. Just once. Sweet Satan, just once.

“Copia,” you say, as if you read his very thoughts. And oh, you sound so sweet saying his name like that. He’s grateful for the full paints he’d decided to wear today, otherwise you might catch his very hot, very red face. Though, perhaps his ears give that away. He never does paint them. 

The two of you finally reach the labyrinth of flower bushes. The sounds of the Siblings working in the gardens fades away until it’s just you and Copia, together on the gravel path. 

“Let me talk to Sister,” Copia tries again.

You smile at him, grateful for his offer. “I tried. She didn’t seem to care that it’s written in a cipher. She said,” you paraphrase, “‘I don’t care if it’s in hieroglyphs, you’re here to figure it out.’”

That brings an unexpected bark of laughter from Copia. “Hieroglyphs might be easier. At least there would be some pretty pictures to look at.” 

You laugh with him, then settle into another, more comfortable silence for a few moments. “I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to just accept it and go home.”

“And the other part?” Copia asks. 

“The other part of me wants to go back up there and try like hell,” you admit. “But what can I do? I feel like I’ve tried everything. I can’t think of anything else.”

He regards you for a second, then looks forward. “Maybe you need to, eh… take your mind off it for a little while. Think of something else, yes?” 

Your stomach does a jaunty little flip. Is… is he suggesting—?

“Will you tell me about Marseille?” Copia asks. “I’ve never been.”

Oh. No, he’s not suggesting. Of course not, désespérée. 

“I will tell you about Marseille,” you agree, turning to him as you walk side-by-side, “if you tell me about where you’re from.”

Copia looks at you as well, his heart swelling with fondness at the mention of his home. He adores that you want to know about him, about his life before becoming Papa. He finds that he wants to tell you everything, if only to draw out that shine that grows in your eyes when you’re happy. Copia remembers how your eyes had shone when telling him about La génie, and when you’d finally uncovered that first word of Elizabeth’s diary.

He hates that Sister Imperator is threatening to send you home. Does she not realize that to translate one word at all from that enigma of a diary is an accomplishment in and of itself? Does she not realize how hard you’ve been working, sacrificing meals and sleep for work? It’s one of the things he admires about you, but it makes him worry to no end. He hadn’t seen you in the refectory for breakfast this morning, but can he blame you? You must have been anxious to Hell and back about the meeting with Sister. He could see that from the second you stepped out of her office door. 

Yes, he will tell you about his home. Because he wants to see you happy and distracted from the weight on your shoulders.

“Deal,” he says with a smile. “You first, cara.”

You’re happy to talk about your home. There’s a warm fluttering in your heart when you think about it, and even more so when you talk to Copia about it. You tell him more about the Marseille Abbey, about how it’s ancient and drafty but it breathes life into you. You tell him about your windowsill full of prayer books. You tell him about Bishop Beaumont, and about each Sibling who lives at the abbey, as well as the few Siblings who don’t. Then your focus shifts to the area outside your Abbey, to the hilltop it sits on as it overlooks the sea. You tell him about the wildflowers that bloom in the tall grass all through the summertime and how they must be budding this very second. 

Copia asks about the city proper, and about the area surrounding your Abbey. You tell him that your small cathedral is nestled on a grassy hillside, between steep, rocky slopes which overlook the water. Not many people in Marseille actually know it’s there—it’s hidden from the city proper, and not a short drive away. The roads leading up to the Abbey are long, winding dirt paths that are hardly roads at all. You tell him that if one was in a hurry to run an errand, they would be better off using the ancient stone steps which lead into a smaller village and are likely older than time itself. 

You tell him about Alphonse, a tomcat who lives in the village and who sometimes makes the journey up the hill for ear scratches and to sunbathe on the flat stones which surround the Abbey walls. He is scraggly and old but sweet as sugar, and yes, you spoil him whenever he visits. 

And then, Copia asks about Liège. 

“I… I was eleven,” you tell him. You find yourself wanting him to know, wanting to speak about what had happened. “I was going through a crisis of faith at the time, and my mother found my diary. She read all about how I was doubting the Catholic faith, how I was angry at God for one thing or another. I don’t even remember what I wrote at the time, but it was enough for my parents to bring me on a trip to Liège.

“They told me it was to tour Saint Paul’s Cathedral. And we did, but…” you pause and bite the inside of your cheek. “My mother said she wanted to bring me to the Cathedral so I could find the glory of God again. She said, ‘l'amour de Dieu est perdu en toi’. ‘God’s love is lost in you.’ Funny, how that was the day I found where I would eventually put my faith.” 

Copia watches you silently. The line between his brows is back now, and deeper, but it isn’t a look of pity. 

You laugh through your nose. “They told me we were touring the Cathedral. They didn’t tell me they were leaving me there.”

Copia gently takes your arm and slows the two of you to a stop. You’re somewhere in the bowels of the flower garden, far enough in that the bustle of the Abbey and the gardens has faded to a soft murmur. Somehow, despite how early it is in the year, the bushes around you aren’t dormant. No, they’re nearly bursting with color—white and pink flowers with layers upon layers of petals, so dense that you can hardly see the deep green leaves of the bushes they grow on. The chilly breeze carries their sweet scent and wisps it between you and Copia. 

A neatly handwritten sign in the soil reads Camellia. You wonder how something so beautiful can bloom so early. 

He dips his head down to meet your lowered gaze. “Tesoro,” he says so gently that you almost want to cry. The wounds you’ve just told him about are old and scarred over, but the way he coos at you in Italian… It rips open the hurt and stitches it back together at the same time. 

“They enrolled me in a Catholic school run out of the Cathedral,” you tell him. “Do you know how far Liège is from where I grew up? Quite far. In a completely different country, in fact.” 

Copia is silent. You realize that the warmth of his hand never left your arm. His thumb strokes small circles where it rests. 

You smile at him, but there’s no joy behind it. “I had to leave everything behind. Everything I knew, everything and everyone that was familiar was gone in a moment. So you know what I did?” 

He shakes his head. 

“I left God behind, too.” 

Copia wants to hug you. He wants to pull you into his arms and never let you go, even if you begged him to. He wants to whisper little reassurances in your ear. Lucifer below, he hates what happened to you. He understands now why you are so reserved. How could someone not be, after going through what you’d gone through? But… look at who you’ve become. 

He’s proud of you. Not just as your Papa, but as… something else entirely. 

“What happened after?” 

The two of you start walking again, and he removes his hand from your arm. You wish he wouldn’t. You move past the blooming camellia bushes and the air loses that slight sweetness. “Well, I spent a lot of time with La génie du mal while I was there,” you smile, this time with a bit of fondness. “And then when I was old enough to leave the school, I enrolled in a University and learned all I could.” 

Copia watches you as you speak, as he had been the whole time during your stroll in the gardens. Though now, the path leads you out of the flower grove and along the tree line at the back of the Abbey grounds. It’s even quieter here, with only the light birdsong of Spring to interrupt you. 

From this far, the Abbey looks like a dollhouse. It sits pretty on the hilltop, with little figurines dressed in black flitting back and forth between the kitchens and the greenhouses. Everything seems so distant, so small from where you are now, that even the worries you’d had fade away into the background. The only things that matter are the birds, the trees, and Copia. Just Copia. Not Papa, not the figurehead of the Satanic Ministry, just… Copia. 

You feel as though you’ve talked his ear off. All through the flower labyrinth you’d talked, answering his questions or telling stories of your own. But now you find that he knows much more about you than you do about him. 

After a brief pause as you walk past a small cluster of stone benches, you turn to Copia. “Your turn,” you say. “I think I’ve talked enough for half a lifetime by now.”

Copia laughs. “I’ve said it before, cara. I enjoy listening to you talk. But, eh… I suppose we did have an agreement, yes? What would you like to know?” 

“Everything,” you say before you can stop yourself. And it’s true, you do want to know everything, but you weren’t supposed to say it out loud. “Uh, I-I mean, whatever you wish to tell me.”

He wishes you wouldn’t censor yourself like that, but watching you nervously flick your gaze around to everything except him makes his heart do strange flips and jumps against his ribcage. You are so honest with your emotions, even if you don’t mean to be. You might say one thing but your face betrays another, and it’s something Copia adores about you—how expressive you are. Perhaps he’s just good at reading people after having been a fly on the wall for most of his life, but you are something different. You seem to trust him past the mantle of Papa. And, well, if he’s honest, he trusts you as more than just a member of his unholy flock. Like he could tell you his secrets with full confidence that you would keep them.

Copia wonders if you’ve noticed he hasn’t called you by your title since you stepped foot in the gardens. He wonders if you’ve noticed you haven’t called him Papa, either. 

“I was born in Rome,” he begins, “but I was raised in the Florence Abbey until I was ten.”

“Away from your brothers?” You ask, hoping you’re not prying too far already. 

Copia nods. “Eh, yes. My brothers were born and raised in Rome, with my father. I was sent to Florence because my mother… Well. I believe she didn’t want my father to know about me.”

You want to take his hand and squeeze it. You don’t. 

“So I stayed in Florence, raised by the Sisters of Sin there until I was ten. Until I started to ask questions about this.” He gestures to his white eye. “And then, people started to wonder why a nameless Florentine boy had the mark of the Morningstar, like all the Papas before.”

You watch as he turns about, as if looking for someone. He tilts his head back to peer over the tall shrubs of the flower labyrinth, which you stand outside. The tops of the greenhouses are just visible, as well as the spire of the small, stone chapel far beyond. Seemingly not finding who he’s looking for, Copia turns back to you. “Primo came to the Florence Abbey after he heard about me. Word travels fast in the Ministry, sì? Until then it was common knowledge that Papa Emeritus Nihil only had three sons. But Primo took one look at me and said, 'sì, sei mio fratello', and scooped me up and took me to Rome.”

The way Copia says the last few words makes your heart warm as if the memory was your own. He seems to remember it fondly—there’s a small, warm smile on his black-painted lips. “Were you happy to leave Florence?” 

“Yes—eh, yes and no. The Sisters who took care of me were kind, and I hold them in my heart dearly, but… they were no Primo.” 

“Papa Primo raised you, when you went back to Rome?” 

“He did,” Copia tells you. “He raised all of us, you see, and very well, too. I would like to think we all turned out alright. Our father was… he was busy being Papa, I suppose. No time for three little rascals and a teenage son more responsible than him.” 

There’s an unmistakable edge of bitterness in his tone, and you can imagine why. To find out he had a father, a father who was Papa no less, but to learn that he had no regard for children as anything other than proponents of a bloodline… it must have hurt him terribly. You remember craving approval at that age, doing anything and everything you could for your parents’ praise. But you can’t imagine how it must have felt to be pushed aside by the father you didn’t know you had, who you’d craved your whole life. 

“Copia,” you whisper. “That’s… I’m so sorry. No one deserves that, especially not a child.” 

He looks at you then. His hair, slightly graying at his temples, is a little disheveled from the chilly breeze at your backs. He still holds that smile, but now it’s rueful. “It’s alright, cara mia. I had my brothers. I still do.”

Your hand is in his before you realize. His palm is warm underneath the leather. 

“And your mother?” 

Copia looks ahead but his gaze drops to his feet. “I… never found out. Not for sure.” 

You don’t want to pry any further. It’s obvious that this is a sore subject for him, and so you let it hang in the silence between you. 

You feel as if you could peacefully coexist with Copia. Both of you know that nothing more needs to be said. You let the quiet float between you, enveloping you like a warm blanket. Neither of you interrupt it with forced small talk about the weather, or your favorite books, or what might be served for dinner tonight. You can talk about those things later. 

It almost startles you when you realize that you want there to be a later. You want for there to be a tomorrow, a next week, a next month. You want for there to be stupid little chats about favorite books and food and weather, and you’re still holding his hand but you don’t want to let go of it. You want to hold his hand on walks like this, or when you’re both sitting quiet on a loveseat and reading those favorite books you might have talked about, or when he raises it up above your head to twirl you around and then pull you into him and kiss you sweetly. 

But oh, if you only knew how he felt the same. How he wishes you’d come and work in his office so the two of you could just exist in the same space, even if you don’t talk for hours. How he wants to drag you back to the Abbey to work on Elizabeth’s diary, and help you think until you both are sleep deprived and a little loopy, just so you can figure it out because he doesn’t want you to leave him. You can’t leave him so soon after he’s found you. Sweet Lucifer below, you’re the only bright spot in the lonely darkness that he’s seen in so long. You’re the flowers blooming in the early spring, beautiful and sweet and unexpected after walking through a labyrinth of routine. You’re his camellia. 

The two of you stroll on the path behind the row of greenhouses. Copia doesn’t remove his hand from yours. He doesn’t care that Siblings or ghouls or Primo might see. The two of you find comfort in each other, and holding onto that feeling is the most important thing in the world to him right now. This feeling, and you. 

A fat drop of rain lands against the side of your nose. You reach your free hand up to swipe it away, and pull your finger back to look at the offending droplet. “Oh,” you hum. “I think it’s going to rain.”

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[booksandpaperss]

POV those stranger things fans

Billy Hargrove: is a sexist and racist white man who abuses Max and bullies middle schoolers and is generally a massive asshole with absolutely zero redeeming qualities to the point where the writers only even bothered to give him screen-time to make ppl hate him and to give Max character development for when they killed him off. Also he literally was meant to be like Stranger Things’ Henry from IT.

Some fr ppl: awww poor Billy 🥺🥺 it’s only cuz he was abused 😢😢 he doesn’t deserve the hate 🥺🥺🥺 it’s not his fault he’s racist and tried to run over Mike Dustin and Lucas and made Max’s life 10x worse than it already was 😢🥺 he’s just my rlly attractive hot uwu mean white boy that’s all 😍🥰

Meanwhile Mike Wheeler: incredibly traumatized 14 year old kid who loves his friends so much but grew up with an emotionally absent father and a mom who tries her best but still defers to their father a lot and noticeably hates him, super adhd coded and probably also has bpd or autism, by season 4 he has virtually no support system whatsoever and a sister who’s just as emotionally distant as both his parents, not to mention he’s a repressed queer kid growing up with a conservative father in a town like Hawkins, Indiana and enough depression and abandonment issues for me to write a whole essay on-

Those same fr ppl: ugh he’s so lame. Such a lame character. He was good in s1 ig but then his character completely fell through, he’s badly written and he’s annoying and his trauma isn’t an excuse for him to be acting the way he is and he may as well just die next season cuz he’s so boring and useless 🙄🖐🏻

….y’all see the problem here right?

[rosethornewrites]

I’ve watched Encanto 4 times in the last 5 days. Every time it makes me cry at various points.

I’ve got Covid so my brain is mush, and I know other people have written amazing meta on it.

But the issue of generation trauma is so important in it, especially in terms of how it can lead to family dysfunction, with so many unhappy but without voices.

I really felt the sisters especially, and Julietta’s gift. She wanted to heal her family, likely her mother, but can only heal the physical.

Luisa feeling she had to be strong and carry every load unfailingly. Isabela feeling the only way she could help the family was constant perfection, to the point of practicing poses to be as graceful as possible. Mirabel, who receives no gift and tries so hard to be helpful when the focus is always on the gifts and nothing she does is enough.

And then Abuela’s overcompensation for her loss, the trauma that has infected her every moment, the fear she’ll lose her home and everything she loves all over again if she’s ever lax.

And that’s not even mentioning the others. Bruno, who felt to help the family, and Mirabel, he had to leave, but who craved to be a part of it all those years. Pepa, who fears so badly that something will go wrong her fears turn into catastrophic weather. Camilo, who feels the only way he can be of use is literally to turn into someone else. Dolores, who constantly listens for any information or news that may be needed to protect the family.

Antonio is the only one who seems to have a gift that isn’t related to the generational trauma, and leading up to it he fears at such a young age failing the family by not getting a gift—something they only know is a possibility because of Mirabel—and who grew up sharing a room with her and closest to her, who possibly is the only one who understands her. His empathy led to his gift, to communicate with animals and smooth misunderstandings. His participation in helping Bruno have a new vision, bringing the family back together.

They’re all worried about the magic, about failing the family, even if they pretend not to.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, all of this is so poignant, especially as I’ve been working to understand my own generational trauma on both sides of my family.

The messages of Encanto are so important, and every time I watch it I pick up more and more details. And all of them make me so emotional.

And I love that it’s told through magical realism and Colombian culture. I watched the extras, and when they talk about Gabriel García Márquez and One Hundred Years of Solitude just hit me, with echoes of Macondo in Encanto, the vulnerability of home.

Lately I’ve been working on projects that have to do with generational trauma, both in my own writing and in editorial work, so I just have a lot of feels.

It’s weird how some movies are like this. The last Disney film my grandmother watched was Moana, which I put on when she was having a bad day, slowly being lost to dementia, and that film helped me process and accept her impending death.

There are some movies that just hit every note, and Encanto is one of them. What the hell, Lin-Manuel Miranda? You produce magic.

[valkyriegoddesses]

Thoughts on ACOSF

⚠️ SPOILERY, SO DON’T READ IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK ⚠️

⚔️ the good and the bad, I’ll try to get rid of the bad thoughts first and keep the positive ones for the end but idk where my line of thought would go as I recall and type so here we go

• Nesta’s journey of healing is hers and hers alone. She owes no one in the inner circle anything, they didn’t do her any favors. (Now before I delve into this, I just want to say that I see they (Feyre and Elain only) had good intentions, but I’m going to point out everywhere it went wrong, probably against what they planned, but still it went horribly wrong) She was still suffering all the same after she got her free will stripped from her, the decision made for her by packing her things without informing her or listening to her opinion or trying to have a more lenient approach to the matter, being threatened that her second option is being thrown to the human lands where she could die, being lied to about the consequences of her actions in law, being told she “belongs in the Hewn City”, being told she’s “a pathetic waste of life”, and choosing the place everyone admits they hate going to aka the House of Wind, as her destination to heal. Knowing full well she can’t make the descent down these stairs and would be imprisoned without the power to winnow. And instead of being given her space and time, they push her to talk and interact when all she’s trying to do is have some distance from everyone. Some time to herself, to not feel anything, to control the storm of thoughts raging on the inside. And she’s pushed time and time again to face her trauma and heal RIGHT NOW because apparently, they’re timing her. And she shouldn’t have her emotions on display, when she tells them she doesn’t feel like talking yet she’s forced to interact and socialize. Anyone who’s been forced to interact against their will knows how draining it is. Now imagine this coupled with being triggered by water, and being triggered by fire, which are a daily necessity. And imagine everyone got a decade or more to deal with their trauma and are still not entirely healed, yet your time is up after little over a year. It sucks. And I hate how what triggered them to action wasn’t that she was wasting away to nothing, but the bill. When the bill was high, they drew the line. And I hate how in the narrative, the “conversation” -even though I wouldn’t call it that because only one side was allowed to talk and the other side wasn’t allowed to object- was written in a way that made it about THEIR image, when she’s frequenting taverns. THEIR image, when she doesn’t show up to their parties. THEIR image when the bill for her drinking is high. (They say it’s too much money, as if they don’t have all the riches and they all spend money on things that are absolutely not necessary, and THEY drowned her with gifts, LOADS of gifts, after she sacrificed her power to save her sister, which she didn’t do for payment, but anyway the thought is, they had the money and just like they thought Amren deserves payment for what she did in the war, they should’ve kept the same energy for Nesta because she had no small role in that either). I just think they handled it badly. Not exactly how you’d talk to someone suffering from PTSD, depression and survivor’s guilt. For one, threatening a worse alternative isn’t helpful. Secondly, There were way too many people in that room. More than necessary. Feyre and Elain would’ve been enough AS HER FAMILY (and I’ll get to details on this in a moment). And Feyre was the only decent one handling it as someone who actually was looking for a better outcome and really had the intention to help, someone who wasn’t there just to humiliate. Amren and Rhys were only there to land jabs and poke at her insecurities and bad coping mechanisms. Rhys used his power on her to force her to obey him and we all know how it’s a big NO among them. Many of those in the IC had worse coping mechanisms. But what she was doing was too much for them to handle? She was self-destructing. And she kept her distance. If I told someone I needed my space and they kept poking their head in my business, I sure as hell would lash out. When someone needs space, their privacy should be respected. No matter how long it takes them.

And I don’t see where the problem with her drinking was. She never showed up to events drunk. We never saw her hungover the day after. She was spending some money on drinking yes, but it did not get out of hand. She was also spending money on food and gambling. All in all, not the worst coping mechanism among those who were criticizing her. Not to mention that everyone who criticized her were drinkers as well, and they all slept around during some part of their lives.

Now the problem with the presence of other people in that room, other than Feyre (if Elain didn’t wish to attend and preferred to have some space between her and and Nesta, it’s her choice) anyway, only Feyre’s presence was required. Everyone else there was just an accessory, only adding stress to the atmosphere, forcing Nesta to get on the defensive with the way they slut shamed her, shamed her for drinking, shamed her for not being able to take a bath even though she told Feyre how the water still scares her, etc. I can see Sarah wanted it to look like a “family” intervening. Like some tough love sort of thing. But she failed. Simply because, the IC might be Feyre’s found family and she might take such a talk from them because it would really be tough love. As for Nesta, she doesn’t view them as family. She barely knows them. So for a group of strangers, or let’s say newly acquainted people, to sit around her and point out her every flaw and shame her for every misstep, who wouldn’t lash out at that? It’s enough she’s forced to spend time among them, on holidays she doesn’t really believe in, where they force her to attend but actively ignore her presence and treat her like a ghost. Why make her come if they don’t enjoy her company? It’s just ridiculous. Then when she gets angry from all the pushing and lashes out and it’s entirely her fault. they’re all like “come to our gatherings where we will insult you, nitpick all your unhealthy coping mechanisms, but don’t be offended and seclude yourself, we all took decades to deal with our trauma and killed people while doing it but your coping mechanisms are unhealthy. And your actions are unforgivable because you lash out at us when we shove ourselves down your throat. How can you not like us? Everyone has to like us.” Then she gets thrown away to a war camp, a FUCKING WAR CAMP, while a big part of her trauma is because of war. And instead of dealing with her face-to-face, while being gentle and showing her they’re on her side WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, WITHOUT WINCING AND GLANCES AT EACH OTHER AND INNER CONVERSATIONS ABOUT HER WHERE SHE’S EXCLUDED, they’re like “we’re tired of your shit so here’s a house you can stay in while you sort this out away from our merry little circle, which has its nose up your business anyway. But still, sort it out away from us.” And in that house she became more and more closed off and her healing - and I will die on this hill - her healing DID NOT start until the house came into play which was her own doing. And it kicked off because of Emerie and Gwyn, who both didn’t judge her, didn’t demonize her, didn’t only see the bad in her, but accepted her as she was and loved every part of her. Showed her that she was not a waste of life and there are things to live for. As for the beloved inner circle? Beyond insulting her and her coping mechanisms, They don’t tell her about the weapons SHE made, because pro-colonization Amren doesn’t think it’s wise, that Nesta would use it against the world. (Amren do you hear how stupid you sound?) they always villianize her, assuming she’d be out to take the world and take revenge on everyone who ever glanced her way. They assumed she was bad, they assumed because she was angry, that she would use her power for killing and terrorizing and building an Empire like they all do. When all she wanted to do was listen to music and be around good company who passed her no judgement.

Anyway, getting into some details with each character:

Feyre: I hated Feyre’s “crying over scrambled eggs because my image is destroyed my sister spent so much money on drinking”. And the fact that when telling Nesta she was doing this for her own good, she told her she was embarrassed for her own image in the same breath. But beyond that I was fine with her. I loved her reconcilation with Nesta. I loved that she was one who wanted to give Nesta more time, recognized that she needed her own time. I love them together. I think without everyone’s interference, their reconcilation would’ve happened much faster. They were already making progress before ~some people~ ruined everything and caused Nesta to be closed off again. I don’t hate that Nesta sacrificed her power to save Feyre in the end. She’s her sister and she loves her and this is not the first time she proved this. She would do anything to protect her sisters and she hates herself for the times she misstepped. Even though it wasn’t her fault and there was a full grown man sitting there who conveniently got a redemption arc. What angers me though, is that it was only after this, that the inner circle viewed her as someone who is worth their respect. And made the sacrifice materialistic by drowning Nesta with gifts. She didn’t do it for their acceptance or for their love, or for payment. She did it because her sister needed help. Period. (Sidenote: I’m writing a post where I delve deep into their relationship, which I will eventually post, because I think I reached an understanding about their relationship)

Elain: let me get something out of the way, she has power. She has free will, she’s not a baby. She’s a grown woman who doesn’t need coddling. I hate how the fandom views her as a baby. And she’s constantly infantilized, preventing her from reaching her full potential. Now that that’s out of the way, here are my 2 cents on her, since she wasn’t in this book much: Nesta’s wording was very clear, yet I’ve seen this scene misread all over the timeline. Nesta said “I sat by your side for weeks. Weeks, while you wasted away, refusing food and drink. While you appeared to hope you’d just wither and die. No one suggested you either shape up or be shipped back to the human lands.” Nesta’s problem is NOT that Elain wasn’t “there” as in “by her side”. She explicitly stated she needed space. Nesta’s problem was that she stood between Elain and anyone who might tell her to snap out of it and lock her trauma in some dark room in the back of her head. She made sure Elain had her time. While Elain agreed to pack her bags and didn’t prevent them from shipping her away, deciding her time was up. All she wants is time, and Elain didn’t have her back on this. Then we have the fact that Elain slut-shamed Nesta. And then when Nesta comes to the party this time, Elain meets her at the door and her reaction instead of saying hi and leaving it at that or simply ignoring her, is “did Feyre pay you this time?” I’m torn on where to stand on the Elain-Nesta situation, a part of me is disappointed in Elain. I think she should’ve handled this better than anyone else because she was there, she witnessed the trauma happen, Nesta was there for her, they grew up being inseparable the entire time. If anyone should understand her better than anyone else, it’s Elain. So why did she abandon her to everyone’s judgement? And a part of me is like maybe she knew whatever she voted wouldn’t matter because the IC were taking the step anyway, and didn’t want to be there when it happened. Or maybe she’s still dealing with her own trauma in her own way and doesn’t want a confrontation. But I always circle back to the sl*t-shaming and the shaming about the drinking, and then I think about the Solstice scene where as soon as she saw her she was like “did Feyre pay you this time?” And a part of me is angry about the shaming undertone of that too, while some part of me thinks that maybe Elain felt unwanted along with everyone else and that in order for Nesta to meet them, she has to be paid, but we will never know unless we hear it from her.

Rhysand: that piece of shit, misogynist, who used his powers to compel Nesta to obey his orders, pulled rank on her, taunted and threatened her every step of the way and utilized her for his own agenda, and was *surprised* to learn the woman has trauma. Took him being inside her head and unable to wake her up from the nightmare, because the behavior she was exhibiting wasn’t enough. [insert shocked pickatchu meme]. I also would like to add that him playing the protective love interest from his mate’s own sister, WHO COULD’VE HARMED HER IF SHE WANTED TO, but never wanted to because she’s not a bad person, is so cheap. Like- you, the guy who drugged her and made her give you lap dances, are afraid for her sake… from her sister? Who only ever used words as jabs and is generally rude? Or do you feel like you’re overpowered and are trying to fill the void in your toxic masculinity and reassert dominance ?

Cassian: He was patient with her, and probably the healthiest person in the inner circle who dealt with her until she was okay, but he still silently agreed with all the shit that was said about her. Shit she didn’t deserve to be said about her as someone going through trauma. He mocked whatever progress she made on the stairs calling it pathetic in the beginning. He stayed silent when Nesta was stripped of her will, when she was told she belongs in the Court of Nightmares, when her fate was decided for her, when she was being lied to, when she was threatened to be thrown to the humans who would kill her. He made some progress and understood her better with time, but it doesn’t excuse how he stayed silent when she was being mistreated. Specially since he claims her loves her. He also stayed silent as the Inner Circle despised her presence but still used her to reach what they’re plotting for. He progressed, and he got better, I’ll give him that. But still, as someone who claims he loves her the way he does, he shouldn’t have allowed his friends to manipulate and use her in their schemes but then exclude her from everything else, even knowledge about her own power. But I love that he was patient, that he worked to understand her, that he grew to stand up for her. I would argue that they are the healthiest ship written by SJM this far.

Mor: fucking Mor, who experienced trauma, told Nesta she belongs in the court of Nightmares. Where she was abused herself. Knowing women are viewed as objects there, knowing Nesta would recieve abuse there. She said that, wishing abuse on someone who she simply didn’t like and had some quarrels with. They never saw eye to eye and that’s fine. They always had sharp tongues when talking to each other and that’s fine. What’s not fine though, is that THIS of all things, seemed so out of character for Mor. Now, she never knew Nesta was a survivor of SA. But as someone who helps SA victims, she’s the last person I expected such a comment from. It felt very out of character. I hate that this is the Bi character in all of this mess. Of all people, a hypocrite is the Bi person. The LGBTQ community deserves better. I thought about it, and maybe Mor, being like a stranger to Nesta, and seeing her ignore Cassian in front of the Illyrians who already look down on him, made her angry to the point where she just wanted to land a jab and didn’t think her words would mean anything. Maybe all she wanted to do was stand up for Cassian, but what she said was definitely not true and not okay. I wanted her and Nesta to have a talk about it, but also she grew to have decent conversations with her and she helped her when she and Cassian had that fight. So I don’t know, maybe it’s a silent progress between them.

Amren: this one told her she was a waste of life. What a great way to deal with someone who’s suffering from PTSD and depression and having suicidal thoughts, Amren. Tell them they’re a waste of life, enforce every thought they are having as fact, push them to the point where they doubt they should be breathing, and when they’re told they could tumble down a mountain and break their bones while hiking, their first thought would be “good”. Amren deserves a medal, a badge of honor for being the 500+ old woman who has healthy ways of dealing with traumatized people telling them they don’t deserve to live because the thoughts of their power and dealing with controlling that power right now is so overwhelming. Amren, who decided that because Nesta was always angry, she had no right to know that she used her power unknowingly and forged powerful weapons. Amren, who was pushing for colonization throughout this book, was afraid of Nesta misusing her power. Villainizing Nesta’s every thought, as if Nesta wasn’t overwhelmed from the thought of possessing so much power, as if Nesta doesn’t refuse to use her powers and train. As if Nesta is out there hiding as she masters her power to reemerge and turn the world upside down. You’re the one who’s pushing Rhys to colonize other territories and become high king, Amren. Maybe *you* should be locked up in the house of wind for therapy. What hurts most in this is Amren was her friend. She trusted Amren. Amren said that shitty line to her and then lied to her and manipulated her and used her to further Rhys’s agenda. She flopped from telling Feyre that Nesta is immortal and a few years are nothing, and she should be given time. She would not betray her trust, to whatever she turned into in ACOSF. And everyone give SJM a round of pats on the back and an applause for making Amren the wise one here and making Nesta, the traumatized one who was wronged, get on her knees and apologize. I mean- if you thought this apology scene was necessary, then clarification about the fight between them was just as necessary. Or you include neither scene. But deeming the apology important and not the incident? This is some victim blaming on a whole other level.

The House of Wind: The house of wind was honestly one of the best parts of this book. It was Nesta, “Lady Death” as they call her, breathing life into something, and it was gentle, and it was patient, and it was understanding, and it pushed her to be healthier without judging, without throwing insults or slut-shaming. It hated that she didn’t eat? It kept waiting for her until her body gave out and she had to eat. It didn’t like her drinking? It gave her water when she asked for wine. It showed her its darkest part where she found the greatest warmth as well, as if saying don’t be ashamed of your darkness because in it you’ll find light, and it didn’t abandon her or stop responding to her when she was angry. It was actively by her side, without any judgement, only support and pushing her to fix the behaviours without dissing her. and it was everything those people around her weren’t. It was family.

Gwyn: their first meeting wasn’t at all what you would call “friendly”, to a fault by Nesta. Gwyn didn’t even know anything about Nesta, yet she didn’t react with even more anger as ~others~ did, she didn’t fear Nesta, or give a retort, or get angry and lash out at her. She took the blow and was, with all the calm in the world, like fine, you want to tell on me, go tell. And Nesta did go tell on her, then realized by herself how she acted rashly. And later helped Gwyn without being asked to, by swapping the book so Merrill doesn’t scold her. And their friendship grew to the point where Gwyn, a traumatized person who couldn’t dare leave the library, started training with her, was her friend and had conversations with her that didn’t center her trauma or her coping mechanisms being analyzed. She went out of the library for the first time in 2 years when she knew Nesta needed her by her side. She occupied her mind with stories of Valkyries, women being strong and unyielding in a society which didn’t allow it. She took her hand and gave her a purpose in life to work for. Gave her a friend who didn’t judge, a kind face in the maelstorm of judgemental faces. Until she felt like a safe space to Nesta to the point where she spilled all her thoughts, the ones she could only admit to herself, to Gwyn, letting her inside those walls. And when she braced for judgement, she didn’t receive it. Gwyn dealing with someone’s trauma, as someone who’s been through trauma herself, is one of the beautiful corners of this book

Emerie: Another woman with trauma. She sees Nesta enter her store, of course she knows who she is, yet she doesn’t judge her. Nesta asks about making the fatigues warmer, Emerie says she’ll ask, but it’s costly. Nesta says then she can’t afford it, admits that she was cut off, Emerie, as a stranger, doesn’t judge her. She says she could make them anyway and she can pay her as she can. Because no one should feel cold. It’s simple, irrelevant. Nesta wouldn’t freeze to death, she as a stranger has no obligation to help, it’s a simple reasoning. “You shouldn’t feel cold”. It’s enough for her to help Nesta. Something as mundane as feeling cold. She asks her to join her for a meal. And Nesta asks her if she would join the training, which Emerie refuses. and Nesta blurts out that she didn’t take her for a coward. And later, Nesta sends her the herbs she wishes to get which she can’t get often because of her location, and it’s a message of “you too deserve to see what’s best in the world, to go out and experience the beautiful parts and live, not just exist”. So Emerie goes to training with her as well, and they bond over romance novels. Emerie also reaches a point where she opens up about her own trauma, and tells the truth about what she faced and her survival. This girl who is 50-something at least, who has never had friends, living a lonely secluded life, finally found someone who was trustworthy enough to be around and form a bond with. As for the fact that she is a PoC, and the illyrians are portrayed as this group of savages who abuse their women and their women have no say in their lives and futures and how they clip their women’s wings, when wings, wingspan and wingplay heavily imply that wings are erogenous parts of the body and wing clipping seems to be the equivalent of Circumcision, which again so happens to be done by the “PoC savages who abuse their women”, hits a whole lot as fucking racist and xenophobic. PoC deserve a storyline where they’re not viewed as the villains.

Azriel: I loved his relationship with Nesta. He was the best chaperon™️, he never spoke in judgement toward her. There was a silent understanding between them. However, I’m not against him showing his feelings toward Elain or her toward him. It’s fine, if that’s what they both want. I don’t think Lucien is the type to call for a blood duel. He simply brings her presents and attends when invited, he doesn’t force himself on her and keeps his distance. However I did hate that Azriel took the necklace and gave it to Gwyn, as a secondhand. I know his only intention was to make her smile but the necklace wasn’t meant for her. It’s not a trial by error, he can’t just keep trying out with different women every time he fails with one. And I’ll just leave this here.

The elephant in the room: the entire IC is involved in this, them all blaming Nesta, framing her as the wrong person, when she told Feyre about the dangers of her pregnancy? I don’t care if she did it while she was angry, her heart was in the right place. She got hurt from them deciding her fate without her involvement, voting on her, not once, but twice, about her fate because she wasn’t fast enough to deal with her trauma, then again when deciding if she should know about what she did with her own power and the weapons. and she showed Feyre what was really at play. Protecting her from what she faced with the Inner Circle. Just because she was angry while doing it does not mean she did it out of spite. She did it to expose them, specially Amren at that point. But I don’t get how it was twisted to “because she wanted to hurt Feyre”. She wasn’t even angry at Feyre. But you all would rather suck up to the Inner Circle than confront the fact that they’re hypocrites and liars with a propaganda. They’re evil. They fear Nesta using her power to seize control of everyone because it’s how THEY are. With all this High King crap. Basically colonization dreams. With how they press rank whenever it suits them, and lie about the law to win arguments. It’s because those who are inherently bad think everyone is bad just like them.

Other Elephants in the room which have been here a long time: the thing with blaming Nesta for not being the breadwinner… I could never get it. Some have money-earning skills, others don’t. She, at the point of her life when she was human, was only trained in dancing and appealing to men socially so she could uplift the family’s social status. She couldn���t hunt. Feyre could. And NEITHER, should’ve been the breadwinner. Nesta was willing to starve to death if it would push her father to do something. Feyre wasn’t willing to wait and starve or watch anyone starve. But it doesn’t mean Nesta was at fault. She was only 3 years older than Feyre. Let’s leave the “the oldest child has to step in for the parents when the parents fail” mentality in the past. It’s ridiculous. Nesta was under no obligation to be the breadwinner. And she suffered self-flagellation regularly for letting Feyre walk out there and hunt. But she literally had no skills that when she thought of something to do, she could only think of selling herself on the streets. The parents were abusive, both of them. Favoring one child over the other and planting rivalry between the siblings. “i love you” means nothing. NOTHING, when there is no action to prove it. And if anything, this book made me realize that Nesta was never okay. She was never in a good place mentally. I mean, I knew, but this book just proved it. Her mother favored her alright, but it was not in a loving way. She simply exploited her to climb the social ladder. She didn’t give her love, she gave her instructions. She enabled the grandmother to beat her, and instill some “harsher punishments” one of which Nesta still holds the scars for. She was called worthless, as a child. Why? Because she made a wrong step in a dance. She was physically and verbally abused, and her mother let it happen. Yet she was the only one who would give Nesta the time of day so Nesta still loved her. As a child, her mother was the only person who showed interest in her and she clung to. However twisted it was, it’s the only love she ever got. The only love she knew. Then she lost her. and later the family also lost their wealth. So all she was taught to do her entire life suddenly became meaningless because she can’t achieve what her mother “trained” her to do. And we know the rest of the story. She never felt at home, not even when her mother lived and she still had that wealth. She admitted as much. She was never fine. She might’ve appeared the part, but it was never true. And since she was so good at masking her emotions, nobody was the wiser.

side note: As for her power being the “bare minimum” now, there better not be a plothole, since Rhysand couldn’t contain merely the “surface of her power” because it was too much. and if that’s all she retained, then it’s good enough for me.

[mythicamagic]

Hey there~ I was just wondering, how are you feeling about Castlevania's ending? :)

Hii, ghostflora!

Well, it's a mixed bag. SPOILERS BELOW:

I think I'm torn because while I am happy many characters got their happy endings- I'm disappointed because it clashes with the pre-established tone and feels like there are absolutely no consequences for the main characters.

Season 3 and Season 4 may as well be different series for the amount of stuff they dropped or shoved under the rug; 

Lenore being confident and secure in her established role as a diplomat who can also kick ass? Now she's a fretting wilting flower who confides in Hector all her worries and insecurities. Despite him being ya know...her pet in Season 3.

Camilla being a confident, ruthless, intelligent woman? Now she's gone mad with power! Muhohaha! Makes it easyyy

Striga and Morana being die-hard loyal to their sisters? Pssshh they can leave them without a backwards glance in season 4. 

St Germain? Ehhh let's drop all intrigue and just say he's a simp who 'did it all for love' plus he's mad now too. Makes it easyyy

However I think the worst examples of arcs or themes being dropped are Hector and Alucard. Hector is now in love with Lenore despite every abusive thing that's happened to him. This wouldn't be a problem if it was shown as an abusive attachment- something he's done time and time again, trusting the wrong people- but nope, the cycle continues and we're expected to feel something when Lenore dies. Oh such sweet sorrow. 

Alucard though...oh my sweet boy. My sweet sweet boy. The writers have friggin tortured this poor man with trauma after trauma...only for none of it to matter pretty much by the end of episode 1 season 4. He's a 'little' cautious of people but give him a hot second and he's blurting everything to Greta and him impaling people who betrayed him on spikes is treated lightly. Again, he's like Hector in that he hasn't learned. He's trusting so quickly and easily by blurting his secrets because he’s so friggin lonely and desperate for connection. And I get that, I really, really do. But Season 3 may as well never have happened. There is no way he'd open up so quickly again after what he's been through, I'm sorry, it's shitty, rushed writing that undermines what happened to him. Alucard in season 4 is written as someone who is grieving, not traumatised. 

 If you want an example of a character whose trauma is handled well - look at Guts from Berserk. Even in the anime, which doesn't go into Gut's past (enduring rape) you can tell this guy has been hurt, badly. He won't allow touch, and he distances himself from everyone in the group. 

When he does finally warm up to Casca and sleeps with her in the manga - he's triggered, and it's an extremely harrowing scene. I'm not saying Alucard's trauma needs to be deeply covered but fuck give us something. Otherwise it completely undermines what he went through.

A few - UWU I'm too shy to play with the children moments is so friggin tame. There's a reason the majority of fanfic writers apparently wrote Alucard as distrusting of humans and fearful of getting close to them- Because they get that Trauma. Has. Consequences. But yeah, aside from that I am very happy Alucard is surrounded by people at the end, since he's an extremely lonely character. It's a lovely thing that he gains a village and exactly what he needs. I just wish it had been handled better. 

Greta needed a flashback scene too, I wasn't particularly invested in her but that would've helped. The true MVP of Castlevania is Isaac though. Best arc and best culmination of his journey. His story flows well and I loved watching him.

I haven't been all too interested in Trevor and Sypha since season 2 but eh they were fine. The 'bickering' couple isn't my fav trope and Trevor seems two seconds away from referring to her as 'the old ball and chain.' 

And as much as I love my OTP for the show, my sun and stars, light of my life, monster boyfriend x human loving ass- I do think Dracula and Lisa should have died. And stayed dead. Like show Alucard seeing them in the netherworld being at peace. They could carve out a place for themselves in hell, Dracula has enough loyal followers there to do so. They could be content while also showing there are consequences. 

Because that's what this show used to be. It didn't shy away from showing the masses die and suffer. The main characters were no different. But now in season 4 they're suddenly exempt. I wouldn't mind the happy ending at all if it didn't clash so hard with the pre-established tone of other seasons where the past is framed as something golden and gentle...

...but the present is awful and people must face harsh realities in order to carry on living.

Again, if you want more examples of grimdark shows staying faithful to their tone, look at Berserk or Devilman Crybaby. If you want Castlevania's tone to change, then more emphasis on HEALING is needed. And that could be done by confronting trauma and moving on. I like Isaacs journey because it SHOWED that change.

I mean friggin Princess Tutu felt like it had more consequences for characters actions than this show. I personally think an ending similar to Madoka Magica (first series, I haven't seen any others) where everything is 'fixed' but there's still loss would be a more fitting end for what was built up in Castlevania. But yeah...I liked Death's character, Isaac's arc, Alucard’s ending and that the lesbians survived and kicked ass. Striga's scene with that armour was oof. That was cool. I LOVED seeing Dracula x Lisa again too (that scene of them being combined had me screaming at the tv going - No, no, NOOOO!) 

Everything else is like a big mess of feels. I want to like it, but I can't turn my brain off and ignore the writing flaws. So...ultimately I don't think I'll rewatch it again despite really liking the promise shown in the first few seasons. It's by no means a complete train wreck, but it is disappointing to me.

[sotorubio]

I'm really confused cus ppl are attacking tiff for taking control of her life, saying she doesn't need to be rescued. I thought that's a good thing? But people are saying it's fake feminism because she was so mean to lola before. But isn't that the whole point of skam? People have this "shame" in their life that they grow from? Like how everyone wanted lola to be forgiven for stuff she did to other people in s6, (eliott, lucas, daphne, etc ,) because she had her own struggles but had grown /was growing from it? But with tiff we're not supposed to support her? It's hilarious how people have decided there's a right and a wrong way to react to clips and it you don't fit the "right" reaction box then you're some kind of heathen 😔

well if we're talking real life ofc something like that is a good thing, finding ur strength after going through trauma is always good n a common "feminist" trope is that a girl recognizes that she needs no man or whatever. i haven't been that active on here recently so i haven't seen the reactions to it but this season has not been a feminist one in the least no matter how many catchphrases they throw in there

above all this season is abt a cis, white, straight and rich girl so. failed step one. ppl need to understand that if feminism isn't intersectional it's worthless n this doesn't just mean they should've picked someone else for the role (which they should've, but there's more to it) u can't make a feminist season abt a white girl if ur gonna villanize all ur woc especially the black women. u can't make a feminist season abt a cishet, rich girl if ur gonna make the bisexual poor girl ignore the fact that this is the person who played w her trauma just a year before. u can't make a feminist season abt a rich girl if the previous season she was overworking her privilege to show how classist she was (which the fans love to forget bc they don't see poor ppl as oppressed lol) and again u can't make a feminist season abt a white girl if all her Cool Feminist Moments only happen when she's talking to a black man such as her snarky "that wasn't an invitation" when aurélien tried to kiss her or her physically attacking him bc he? cares abt their daughter? being consider a Powerful Mom Thing

if all this didn't exist sure it would be considered feminist for her to not need saving, but when we put it in the context of literally everything else we can see that this is yet another poor attempt at taking a cliché feminist phrase that u could see written by a male avengers movie director for woke points. ppl need to understand that tiff has huge amounts of privilege over both aurélien (being white) n max (being cis) so her being a woman doesn't even automatically place her social status "beneath" these men. even just outside of fandom shit ppl should understand that supporting certain women will inherently be anti feminist, just bc ur cheering on a woman doesn't make u feminist.

then second abt the shame thing & lola. the "shame" in all skam seasons has always been smth "innate" due to the lack of a better world. smth that the society shames u for. the isak seasons r abt being gay bc society makes ppl ashamed of gayness, but u don't think being gay is a "shame" do u? neither is being a muslim, but the sana seasons r abt that bc again the "shame" is smth society perpetuates. the fact that tiff was "mean to lola" (she was a classist, she told her to kill herself, she made her trauma n mental illness into her own little joke) is not her "shame" bc that was her choice....that's smth she chose to do she isn't misunderstood or oppressed bc she hates poor ppl lmao. if they made made a season abt the nico character would u say his shame is sexual harassment? i doubt it. bc that's not smth he's involuntarily shamed for that's an action he chose to take.

also tiff n lola's "forgiveness" or lack thereof isn't comparable. first of all i'm not sure why u mentioned lucas? she never rly did anything to him but he on the other hand has a shitload to apologize for to her. abt eliott & daphné i also don't quite understand bc as for daphné they had a mutually toxic sibling dynamic, both failing at communication n treating each other badly but like.. even in that situation daphné was literally stalking her sister so again not sure what blame lola has on her here. n for eliott i also don't get what she should've apologized for like if u mean the club clips then u r in the wrong place bc lola didn't even do anything bad other than be rude which every other character is also guilty of smfjlskd

like see the difference? tiff & lola's conflict wasn't mutual, tiff chose to harass n stalk her based on nothing at all, she was only able to do that bc of the privilege n power she (a white cishet rich girl) has over lola (a bisexual mentally ill poor girl). i don't see how those two r in any way comparable.

so i guess that's my explanation for it. as for ur last point i do agree i don't know why it's anyone else's problem how others react to clips but even then i do think we need to understand that skam remakes take pride in their "diversity" n "representation" so sometimes certain reactions actually r objectively wrong. like saying "i liked this clip" or "i didn't like this clip" is all cool n no one should get hate for that but if ppl watch a clip where certain stereotypes r used unironically n their decision is to actually enforce the harmful message n not waste any of their three braincells for critical thinking bc It'S jUsT FiCtiOn then u r not immune to me thinking ur a brainless idiot

[buckybarnesbingo]

Titles Game

Tonight I'm Going Back to My Old Ways - suggested by @steverogersnotebook

@somesortofitalianroast - Bucky didn’t usually go for straight guys. Not since Brock in college, anyway. But tonight, all he could see was the blond across the bar. He was laughing with his friends, and he was gorgeous. Muscles for days, a body Bucky wanted to climb like a tree, and a wonderful smile that was a combination of Hallmark wholesome and downright dirty that shouldn’t have worked, but did. The piercing blue eyes just sealed the deal: Bucky was going to get him in his bed. (there would definitely be a tag in there about how they need to communicate and how Steve's not straight)

@wolfnprey - Bucky had settled down after he started a family. Everything told him he didn't deserve happiness, but he was beyond listening. Until some old ghosts showed up. Literal ghosts, and they were hellbent on making sure Bucky's life was upended. He'd buried the necronamicon in the basement ten years ago, but now he was digging it up with the help of his old partner. If only Steve was forgiving.

@steverogersnotebook - (Early recovering Bucky) finds it hard to come to terms with the modern Brooklyn, seeks out night clubs and smokes like a chimney in an effort to feel the way he remembers feeling.

@ribbonsflyingoutthewindow - Their relationship had been strained in a way that Bucky was pretty sure couple's therapy couldn't fix. Not that he had tried. He wasn't about to unload all of his trauma concerning not being his old self anymore on some poor middle-aged Brooklynite mother of three even if she did have a degree that supposedly helped. There was no way she was prepared to help a brainwashed assassin with a fault list from Coney Island to hell and back again. So instead he'd unloaded all of that on Natasha. As a best friend, she was legally obligated to listen to him anyway. And besides, she was cheaper; she could be bought with a whine and a wine. However, talking to Natasha also meant he got the cold, hard truth that his relationship was suffering not because he'd forgotten who he was and became a brainwashed assassin for decades, but because he'd forgotten who Steve was and hadn't spent a lot of time figuring it out again. So per his therapist's (Natasha's, whatever) advice, Bucky's getting back to his roots and rebecoming the man who knew everything about Steve Rogers and hoping that maybe somewhere along the line, he can figure out what it was that made the two of them work so perfectly together.

More under the cut!

Down the rabbit hole - suggested by @liquidlightz

@phoenixgryphon - MCU Nat going down the rabbit hole that is pre Cap2 TWS information

@steverogersnotebook - An edgy Alice AU where bucky meets the OUAT version of the mad hatter.

@somesortofitalianroast - Bucky wasn’t sure how, but he was constantly seeing the same figure out of the corner of his eye. A tall, muscular blonde, who seemed as though he wasn’t quite there, which was why Bucky was sure he was imagining the man, or confusing multiple tall muscular blonds. They weren’t as uncommon as one would think, and Bucky was so tired, so he decided not to worry about the blond. Until the day he literally fell down a rabbit hole - in Brooklyn, of all places - and ended up in another version of New York.

@wolfnprey -  Stripper AU. Nat drags Bucky to Down the Rabbit Hole for a particular stripper named Alice who is a beefy blond with bright blue eyes.

@bookdragon13 - Or alternatively: Steve goes to Storybrooke during his quest to find Bucky and meets Jefferson. Steve immediately goes “Bucky?” And Jefferson, in his sassy way, says “who the hell is Bucky?” But proceeds to use his hat to help Steve find his Bucky, if only to meet his lookalike Whether or not this becomes angsty, I’m not sure

@psychiccatpanda - Bucky In the 21st Century:  After spending too much time on the internet trying to figure out what some of the things he’d been hearing about really were, Bucky wishes he’d trusted Tony when he said, “Snowflake, there’s whole swaths of the interwebs you don’t want to know.  Trust me, please?”  Now, six and a half hours later, he knew that there was Avengers fan fiction (and what that consisted of) and Avengers cosplay porn.  He wasn’t sure what to do with this information.  But maybe he just needed to do some more research. After a snack.

@liquidlightz - Alpine was very protective.  Bucky loved gardening and he'd planted many different flowers, but there was a fat rabbit that kept popping by and eating all the best tulips, daylilies, you name it.  Bucky was hesitant to harm the creature, but Alpine was having no more of it.  She chased said rabbit down its hole and Bucky had to dig her back out.

@ribbonsflyingoutthewindow - Bucky’s family owned a farm so he'd had a plethora of pets his entire life, but when he'd moved to the big city, Bucky had stuffed Top Hat the white rabbit in her carrier and told her they were headed for the adventure of a lifetime, no looking back. And truth be told, sometimes New York was lonely. But the other truth was he didn't miss Indiana at all. He loved New York, but he'd never regretted his move more than the day he came home to discover Top Hat not in her enclosure. He had to go door to door on the entire floor and maybe the floor above and below his. Everyone had to help find his missing long-eared, fluffy-tailed best friend. Cue everyone in Bucky's apartment complex searching the entire building for one white rabbit trying to pull her own disappearing act. And cue Bucky searching for a rabbit, but finding maybe a little more along the way.

You pull hope from defeat in the night - suggested by @somesortofitalianroast

@steverogersnotebook - After a terrible loss on a mission, Bucky and [strained relationship/preferred pairing] are nearly wiped out themselves. One has to get out and get help for the other before it's too late for them too. In dragging the injured party to safety, promises made in supplication reignite hope for a resolution.

@somesortofitalianroast - (pre-serum!steve/Winter Soldier!Bucky) After exhausting missions, there’s nothing Steve likes better than hooking up with a guy at a bar, preferably one who would believe him when he said he wouldn’t break. Tonight, he chose the guy carefully, a big, beefy brunet with thighs for days and something about him that made him look gentle. One night turned into another. And another. And another…. Who said hookups couldn’t lead to love?

@bookdragon13 - Just when Bucky was feeling his lowest, walking around Brooklyn at night, he hears a faint meowing. Bucky finds the white kitten and takes it to the local vet. Afterwards, he couldn’t just leave the white fur ball behind, adopting her and giving her the name Alpine. With Alpine around, Bucky couldn’t help but start feeling like he could climb out of the hole he’d dug himself in. He can’t help but laugh at Alpine’s antics and when he’s having a bad day, she cuddles with Bucky as he rubs his fingers through her fur

@liquidlightz - Bucky had written off more cheques than his body could cash, yet again.  Losing badly at poker and getting beaten down for failing to pay up.  This night was turning out better than the last, as he found himself in the hands of a gorgeous Doctor with gentle hands who seemed to enjoy his attempts at flirting through bloodied teeth.  Things might be looking up, he was going to go all in and take another chance tonight.

@wolfarrowepz - (Winterhawk, hockey AU)The Avengers were eliminated in the second round of the playoffs.... less than a third of the team had been with them when they won the championship 3 years ago. Now all Bucky wants to do is go home and sulk and ice his knee in peace. Clint has decided he needs to come to dinner with the team to show all the rookies and new guys to show them that losing isn't the end of the world. Fuck it all if Bucky will do whatever Clint asks. Bucky he liked him since they joined the team together as rookies. Clint is 100% oblivious to every move Bucky makes but if Clint asks him to do something he will. Clint on the other hand is convinced Bucky isn't into him. Cue pining and the inevitable "of course I Like you, you dope!" moment.

With Steel and Silver Burning Heart - suggested by @ibelieveinturtles

@steverogersnotebook - Dragon trainer AU, Steve goes to slay the dragon, Bucky's the dragon trainer. They meet, they clash, they enemies to friends to lovers.

@phoenixgryphon - big beefy bucky the blacksmith.  who builds broadswords to bring in the bills

@somesortofitalianroast - (Regency!AU) James Barnes was well aware that he was the Marquis of Buchannan in name only. With no money left in the estates coiffers and three younger sisters - the oldest a mere year before her official debut - to support, he was desperate. Desperate enough to approach the new Duke of Brooklyn - a known rake with a history of getting in duels - with an offer: he supplies the cash for Rebecca’s debutante and in return, he gets James. But what happens when the purely financial relationship is no longer purely financial?

@liquidlightz - Bucky was not amused when the blade pierced his heart.  Fuck, that hurt! "You asshole", he berated his not-looking-so-hot-now date on the other end of that dagger, "I thought we were having a good time." Bucky had to thank his lucky stars, and not his wits, that this hunter was a moron and that blade was cheap metal and not silver.  He should, maybe, start being a little more discerning in his hookups.

@bookdragon13 - As a Knight of the Realm, Bucky was sworn to protect the royal family. He didn’t mean to fall in love with the Princess in the process. Neither did Bucky realize he was a jealous man, until he saw another knight, Brock, try to kiss the Princess, with her unwilling. Bucky immediately called Brock out, challenging him to a duel. When Brock was wounded, Bucky threatened that if Brock tried anything with Her Royal Highness again, he wouldn’t be so lenient.

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Don’t Mind Me I’m Just Putting My Clown Makeup Back On.

So just finished watching episode 8. What was it Evan said before the episode, that it was ‘The Night of the Ships.’ Well actually it was more ‘the Night of the Shipwrecks.’ But more on that in my actual review for the episode which I’ll post later. I want to take time to process the episode and give it a rewatch. Naturally as a Barchie shipper this episode left me feeling alot by the end of it mostly, angry, frustrated and hopeless. But here’s the thing I’ve seen alot of comments saying that Barchie is dead and I am in two minds on it. Sometimes I think, ok maybe it is, but then a part of me thinks it isn’t. I think a big part of that is because we’ve been baited with Barchie so many times by now. I mean this is the third time we have been told that Barchie is over. So now whenever I see the words Barchie is over its like I am preconditioned to go, but is it though? I mean think about it, we were all told it was over between Barchie after they kissed in 2x09 and it became clear in the following episodes that nothing was going to come of it. Then we got told is over between them again in 4x18 when Betty decided not to take things further after their kiss in 4x17. And now once again it looks like the same thing is happening. But what I don’t want to happen but what I feel like they might do is, well if we’re being real here, Barchie causes alot of buzz in the fandom and gets a lot of chatter on social media whether its because people are excited or mad about it, but every time something happens with Barchie the fandom explodes. What I don’t want to happen is for them to go back to the original couples and then anytime the show producers feel like things are a bit too quiet and they want to generate some buzz just pulling Barchie out of storage to create that drama. As a Barchie fan the merry go round, of no their just friends to actually they do have feelings is exhausting. One thing I am mad about it if this is the end of Barchie like some are saying then RAS and the writers were really terrible to the Barchie shippers, even more so than usual because they have never pushed or promoted Barchie this hard before. Even right after the episode Evan was posting on his Instagram to the Barchie shippers saying that Barchie have a lot of history and not to give up hope. But its getting to the point where I don’t trust the writers and I am sick of being baited only for them to not go all the way through with it. 

I know some people are saying that this was closure for Barchie that they explored them they figured out that they don’t work and now they can focus on their friendship. And if that's enough for you then great, but for me I didn’t get any sense of closure. Before season 5 aired I made post explaining why I thought they needed to fully explore Barchie and one of the things I said was that in order from them to bring closure to them they needed to first have them in a full blown relationship. That hasn’t happened. To me I find it really baffling how Betty can decide that her and Archie don’t work when they haven’t tried being in a relationship which is very different from FWB. How is she or we suppose to know that they don’t work as a couple when they have never been a couple and we’ve never seen them as a couple? Though I do agree that they don’t work as FWB but then I knew that wasn’t going to be a long term thing. For me, again if this is really the end then the most unforgivable part was how badly written it was. It just happened far too fast, in fact the sudden change almost gave me whiplash. The last few episodes and even the beginning of this episode we’ve seen Barchie enjoying the time they spend together, also I never really saw any indication from Archie that he was having feelings for Veronica, their relationship was very much coming across as friendly. But then that all suddenly changed in the second half of the episode, suddenly Archie was having feelings for Veronica and after one bad booty call Barchie have decided that they don’t work together. It almost felt like this episode should have been much further down in the season like episode 11 or 12. For me it seems like this reuniting of V*rchie is just happening too quickly. And that’s exactly why I don’t think this is going to be a good thing for V*rchie and that it might not be as it seems. 

So I am going to try and inject a little bit of hope for Barchie here. Because like I said a part of me still thinks there’s a possibility Barchie might still happen and its not as clear cut as we think. I mean if we look at the Barchie ‘break up’ in the context of the episode I actually think its pretty obvious what’s going on here. It is heartbreakingly similar to what happened in the pilot. At the beginning of the episode we get that really romantic, sweet scene with Archie in his firefighter gear. I am going to be honest I was expecting a heated maybe playful scene here but it was actually a very cute and soft scene which made me love it even more. Which also made this idea that Barchie is over even harder to wrap my head around because why go through all the trouble of having such a soft romantic scene and then just turn around and go nope their just friends? I mean watching that scene I’m calling BS on the whole friend thing right now because that is not how friends look at each other. But anyway we also not long after get the scene where Betty tells Kevin about her and Archie and I think this really is very telling of where Betty is mentally when she decides to call things off between them. She describes Archie as being the lit window in the dark. But she also says that she doesn’t want to get in too deep with him because she doesn’t want that light to go out. She is very clearly afraid that if they take things further and go for a committed relationship and it goes wrong then she will lose him altogether. This in my opinion makes sense for her character as its very similar to what she did in 4x18 with Jughead, She shuts things down with Archie and goes back to Jughead because she is afraid if she doesn’t she will lose Jughead. With Jughead she is afraid not being with him is what will lead to her losing him and in a way she likely feels she was  right because they’ve not spoken in the seven years since they broke up. With Archie its the same but the opposite if that makes sense. With Archie she is afraid being with him is what will lead to her losing him. She is clearly afraid of her feelings and very afraid of losing someone who she deeply cares about. Again when you think about what she has gone through this makes sense. She lost her dad, she kind of lost Charles, her brother when he went to jail, she feels like she lost Jughead and now her sister is missing and Betty knows that she might lose her too. It makes sense then that Betty would be deathly afraid of doing something that might make her lose Archie too. 

Then fast forward a little and she has a nightmare about TBK. I loved that moment when she looked over and saw the light from his window and how that reinforced the idea of him being the light in the dark. For me this reference was really exciting because a while back when 4x18 had just aired I made a post about Barchie and Light and how I felt like Archie saw Betty as his light, so seeing that Betty also felt the same way made me really happy. She calls Archie over and whilst she admits that she had a nightmare she doesn’t open up to him about it or tell him that she was held captive for two weeks and now has PTSD. I think the other thing to remember about this scene is right before this there is a scene where Archie and Jackson are talking about Veronica and Betty and Jackson makes a joke about how he is juggling two women. At this moment Archie looks really guilty and troubled and I think alot of this is to do with the past and how he hurt both Veronica and Betty before because he had feelings for them both, so obviously he’s probably not feeling great at the idea that he might once again be in the same situation and is likely painfully aware that he could end up hurting them again. Then he shows up at Betty’s expecting it to be a booty call. He is expecting it to be fun and well like it was in the beginning of the episode with the fireman scene. But Betty is trying to escape her trauma and although he doesn’t know why he can probably tell that something feels off. The words he uses to Jackson are that it felt different and not great. I think alot of the reason why it felt different and not great was one like I said Betty was struggling and very shaken by the dream so as much as she was trying to escape I don’t think it worked as well as before, casual sex isn’t enough to help her and I think that is suppose to be the take away from that scene. On top of that I do feel like Archie was feeling guilty about his renewed feelings for Veronica and he might have felt like he wasn’t being honest with Betty and like he was hiding something from her. I think the combination of all this leads to a less than satisfying night and I think this only confuses them more because up until now they have been having a great time but suddenly its different and I think that throws them for a bit of a loop.

Then we get to the key party and again I think some things that happen here a really significant for what happens between Barchie later in the evening. Firstly there’s the fact that Veronica pulls Archie’s keys. This has two effects in my opinion. One Betty is very clearly jealous and not happy about this turn of events. The second is I feel like for Archie this might have seemed like a bit of a sign. Kind of like he might think it was fate that Veronica drew his key which when he is confused about how he feels about Veronica might have felt a little like a confirmation for him. Then of course the stand off with Chad happens and Veronica leaves with her husband. But one of the more significant moments is when Betty says that she is still traumatised by the spin the bottle game from the pilot. I think this is important because it shows that she is clearly thinking about that and the pain of Archie choosing Veronica and how she nearly lost Archie, I mean it nearly brought their friendship to an end. So when you look at it from Betty’s point of view she is remembering all those bad memories from the past and she has this fear of losing Archie and the light he brings to her life, and then he tells her he still has feelings for Veronica. In this situation I think that it makes sense for Betty to slam those brakes on. That bubble she was living in with him before has burst and she’s realising that she’s got to face the things that she had been trying to escape from and distract herself from when she was hooking up with Archie. One part I found interesting, but a little confused by, was the line that at their cores they are different people. At first I thought she meant that her and Archie were different from each other but thinking about it and how it came right after she was talking about how they should make sense because they are the all American boy and the Girl next door I actually think she meant they are different from those personas that are sort of forced on to them. The American boy and the Girl next door. At their core they are not those people which is something we have all been saying since the beginning. The other part that I thought was interesting but was again a little unsure of what it meant was when Betty asked they had a free pass to do whatever they wanted so why weren’t they, and Archie replies because we’re right on the edge. Now I could be reaching here but I wonder if what they are saying here is that what they have always wanted was to be together. Maybe Betty is asking why they aren’t taking that step when its what they’ve always wanted. Archie says that they are on the edge. Now being on the edge of something can be a very scary thing. It makes me think of the danger of falling and I think this is what Barchie are afraid of so instead of taking that leap they take a step back from that edge, back to where they feel safe. To be honest the more I think about it the more I think that at the moment that was the right thing to do. Betty is right in that she is facing some dark times and she is clearly struggling with a lot and I don’t think that right now she is ready for a relationship. I think she is right what she needs right now is a friend to help her through it and who she can rely on. Archie has assured her that's what he’ll be and I really hope that the writers deliver on this and show us them really growing as friends and supporting each other. I think the thing I am worried about is that now that V*rchie are back together and that Jughead and Betty are investigating together that they will fall back into those same patterns of it only being them interacting. I am hoping that the writers have learnt from past mistakes and will still show Barchie as friends, I have some hope that they might as we know that they were filming together for episode 10. 

Ok so lets say they aren’t really over how could I see Barchie coming back together? Well a few days ago I made a post taking about the FWB to Lovers troupe and how it usually follows a guideline. I think Barchie are still very much following this formula. 

I didn’t want to write it all out again so I just took a snapshot of it but as you can see at the beginning of this episode we were very much still in step 3, they were hooking up and having fun. Then I feel like the writers hit the acceleration a bit too hard and raced through the next three steps that I outlined in red above. I feel like they mostly skipped over step 4 but I guess it could be argued that Betty calling Archie after her nightmare might kind of come under that one. But we did see Betty getting jealous of Veronica and Archie in this episode which is step 5 checked off. Then we got step six where one of them realises they are starting to catch deeper feelings and the arrangement gets called off. I know some might say that neither of them started to get deeper feeling but I would argue that there is some evidence that Betty at least was. She was very giddy and happy talking about her and Archie to Kevin and I think the fact that she brought up not wanting to get in too deep with him indicates that she has had some thoughts about things deepening between them. Also during the ‘break up’ scene she says that getting closer to him has made her realise that she doesn’t want her darkness to overtake him. Again to me this makes me think her feelings for Archie were getting deeper and that made her afraid that she would taint him with her darkness somehow. The thing that is so heart breaking about this is its a direct parallel to how Archie felt in the pilot, like he would never be good enough for her. 

So if we are following this formula then what should happen next is they go on with their lives but when they see the other interacting with their other love interests, so when Betty sees Archie with Veronica for example they will continue to feel jealous and it’ll make them look at their feelings again. I did wonder about that line Kevin said to Betty about him telling Fangs to bring someone to the key party, he said that a part of him wanted to know if he would actually go through with it. I wonder if some part of Betty also wonders whether Archie will go through with it with Veronica. I am curious to know what her reaction will be and whether she’ll sort of convince herself that she was right when she sees them together but also feel a bit hurt and jealous or disappointed. I feel like this situation is currently lined up to mirror season 1 perfectly. We know that Betty and Jughead are investigating together next episode and I can’t help but wonder if seeing them interacting will cause some kind of jealously with Archie. I could also see a scenario where Glen comes into town and that causes Archie to feel some kind of way. Again this would be a direct parallel to season 1 where Archie rejected Betty, got with Veronica and then started to realise he had feelings when he saw B*ghead together. One thing that has always been consistent with Archie’s character is he is someone who really struggles to understand his own feelings and what he really wants. I’m sure the V*rchie’s will come after me with pitchforks for saying this but I actually don’t think Archie really does still have feelings for Veronica I think with them both they are feeling alot of nostalgia and that is blurring things for them. I think in the next few episodes they will start to realise this and ultimately they will once again come to an end. 

Another way I could see this happening is a similar situation to what happened with Hannah and Caleb from PLL at the end of season 5 where Hannah admits she still loves Caleb, they kiss and then she gets taken by AD and this makes Caleb realise that he still has feelings for her. Now to be clear before anyone starts trying to roast me I am not saying I want Betty to get hurt or captured again. But it is a popular theory that Betty will be taken by TBK again and considering the way the story is going its not an unreasonable theory. With episode 10 being the midseason finale and it being right before a three month hiatus I feel like its got to be a big shocking episode and we know that KJ and Lili were doing a lot of stunt work so it wouldn’t be out there to assume that one of their characters might find themselves in a dangerous situation. I could definitely see a situation where they kiss and then something happens to one of them which just confuses the situation more. The only thing with this is if it does happen and Archie is still with Veronica then they would once again be cheating. 

Another scenario I could see it going is similar to OTH’s Leyton. I mean to me there are so many parallels between Barchie and Leyton, I do find myself drawing comparisons between them alot. But it could be a similar situation to when she got shot and they were trapped in the library together. She thought she was going to die so she tells him she loves him and kisses him as a kind of goodbye. Again I could see something like this happening with Barchie where one or the other gets shot or hurt in someway but they are trapped somewhere. Thinking they might die they confess how they really feel thinking it’ll be their last chance to be real about their feelings and they kiss. Obviously I think help will arrive in time and they’ll survive but then they have to deal with what they admitted in that moment. 

Ok but if Barchie get together then V*rchie would need to break up so how do I think that could happen? Well like I said above I do think alot of what they are feeling is nostalgia and I think as time goes on they will start to realise that but I also think there might be a clue as to how they might come to an end in the title for episode 11. Now just to be crystal clear I am not sure yet if these titles are confirmed or not. So everything I am about to say relies on those titles being official. The title for episode 11 is Strange Bedfellows. Like alot of the Riverdale titles I think this is a reference to a 1965 film of the same name. In a previous post where I was theorising about the titles, I explained that the plot of the movie was about a couple who got married impulsively within 24 hours of meeting each other and then separate but then seven years later on the eve of their divorce being finalised they rekindle the spark before realising they are too different and decide to go ahead with the divorce. But then the male protagonist finds out his promotion relies on him being married so he tries to woo her back. In that theory post I talked about how I thought it could be where Chad and Veronica’s storyline goes. I predicted that they would separate in episode 8 and then in episode 11 Chad would come back to Riverdale to finalise the divorce. I also theorised that he would be offered a job that he could only have if he was married and so he would try to win her back. What else is interesting is in the film the female protagonist during the seven years apart got with someone else. This guy is described as the one she should have married years ago. They fit, they both have the same views on everything, they rarely fight, they seem like they would be the perfect couple. To me this very much sound like V*rchie. It’s the person she always figured she would end up being with. Also in the film the husband goes to great lengths to prove that he has changed. They also have alot of chemistry with each other and part of the problem is they keep ending up in bed together which only confuses things more. I could see a scenario where Chad comes back to settle the divorce but whilst back he tries to convince Veronica to give them another chance. During his time back he seems to have changed and is making alot of efforts with Veronica which reminds her of how things were between them and confuses her. It could also be that things are a bit rocky between her and Archie especially if I am right about something happening between Barchie is the midseason finale. I think come episode end V*rchie will realise that whilst they will always care about each other that they are better as friends. In regards to Chad I could see it going one of two ways either the show does a redemption arc for him and he and Veronica get back together. Or Veronica finds out about how he only gets a promotion if he is still married and realises he’s only done all of this so he could get the job he wanted and so she goes through with the divorce and ends the episode single. Personally I would prefer the second one as I feel like too many of Veronica’s storylines revolve around men. I just want her to be single and a badass for a little while and have a storyline that is all about her.  

SO to summarise I think episode 9 will be V*rchie and B*ghead interacting but we will see little signs that despite saying they want to just be friends Barchie are shown to have some jealous feelings to the other. I also think V*rchie will feel like something doesn’t feel quite the same even though they are back together. This will continue over into episode ten until Barchie finds themselves in a dangerous situation which leads to a confession that they have feelings for each other and a kiss. Episode 11 things are strained between V*rchie because they are confused about firstly how they feel about each other but also because Archie is confused about what happened between him and Betty in episode 10. Then as the cherry on top Chad shows up and seems like a changed person and this makes Veronica confused and causes even more tension between V*rchie. Then after finding out Chad was just using her to get a promotion she calls it off but she also realises that Archie isn’t the one for her either and they call things off as well. 

I mean I could be totally wrong about all of this, but this is just where I feel like the story is going. To me the V*rchie reunion just happened too fast for it to be a lasting thing. We have to remember that we aren’t even half way through the season yet so alot can still happen and we all know how quickly the Riverdale writers like to turn the tide. Who knows maybe Barchie really is bones as alot of people like to think but I for one am choosing to have a bit of hope.         

[nearly-theyre]

kamishin fic recs!!!!!

for my kamishin gc on twitter - go give these amazing authors some love!

“paging dr. oblivious” (G) by dreamtowns

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18770095

Warnings: none

Hitoshi, slowly, delicately, puts his fork down and squints. Denki regrets maintaining eye contact, but, also, he doesn’t because damn, Hitoshi has pretty eyes – and focus, Denki, focus! “I’m sorry,” Hitoshi starts, quietly, almost threateningly, and tilts his head. “Would you like to repeat that? People think we’re what?”

“Pining,” Denki bursts out, almost too loud in the hospital gardens, and then he hunches forward and continues much more quietly, but no less heatedly: “They think we’re,” he swallows and finishes, almost lamely, “pining.”

Hitoshi says nothing. Waits.

“They have a betting pool,” Denki practically wails.

(or: the entire hospital staff has a betting pool on when Denki, resident trauma specialist, and Hitoshi, the neuropsychologist, will start dating.

The punchline is that they are married.)

“don’t think twice” (G) by dreamtowns

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18723295

Warnings: none

What does it take to break the internet?

A slip of the tongue, apparently.

“caught in my own web” (T) by anxioussailorsoldier

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19037812

Warnings: none

Shinsou needs some help after getting caught up in his capture weapon. Kaminari enters from stage left.

“Pickup Lines for the Soul” (T) by MustardSoup

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18925678

Warnings: none

Denki is twelve when he is flicking through the TV channels and lands on an old RomCom movie about soulmate marks – specifically the same type that he has.

“I can’t believe I’ve had to walk around with a cheap pickup line written on my ankle my entire life because of you!” The leading lady yells at the leading man as he stares at her in awe.

Denki laughs.

“Oh no.” His mother says, watching him.

“Oh no, indeed.” His sister repeats quietly.

“amusing observations” (G) by fromthemoon

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19423105

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings

“Cats. Hm. Yeah.” Kirishima watches as Denki turns around and continues humming along to the song. He glances over to Shinsou and back at Denki. He’ll have to test if it’s really the cats the boy comes back for, or if it’s something other than that.

Something tells him it’s not the cats.

for shinkami week 2019

“Sleepy Nightlight” (T) by PinkGreens

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15869280/chapters/369709

77

Warnings: none

Hitoshi loses his nightlight, but finds another.

“Systems of Confession” (NR) by soybean-fics (mischuis)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15995414

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings

"You're totally asking me out on a date." Kaminari grinned, and Shinsou felt his face heat up.

"Do you want to go or not?"

"Yeah, yeah. On our date."

------

Shinsou takes Kaminari out on a totally-not-a-date at the aquarium. Somehow, he can't stare at the fish when he can watch his adorable blond definitely not-crush being unfairly adorable at everything.

“Your Name In Paper” (G) by xemrox (Roquel)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18355292

Warnings: none

There are two people in this world who orbit at the opposite ends of Denki's spectrum of love and he never thought he would have them sitting at the same table at the same time.

“How Many Cats Is Too Many?” (T) by TheSpaceAceTM

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19418521

Warnings: none

Hitoshi and Denki live together, and progressively get more and more additions to the family.

ShinKami Week 2019!

“Start Digging” (T) by IiIia

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16050866

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings

Kaminari and Shinsou are now dating and it is time for the customary Bakusquad Shovel Talks. Shinsou’s not worried.

“Not-So Surprise Party” (G) by MintIceTea

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19442827

Warnings: none

Hitoshi loves his boyfriend, even if he’s terrible at keeping secrets.

But then again, so is Hitoshi’s family.

[Erasermic Week '19, Day 9: Celebrate]

“party favour” (T) by pixiegold

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16166816

Warnings: none

Another soulmate AU where the first words they say to you are etched onto your skin.

Shinsou isn't particularly thrilled by the idea.

“Not Broken, but a Little Bent” (NR) by FriendlessAnimeLover

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19748674

Warnings: none

Kaminari Denki ends up leaving the hero course after a certain incident takes place. He instead joins the general studies students, where an unlikely ally reaches out to him, not leaving him alone when everyone else is. His overwhelming guilt and sadness is slowly tamed by general studies student Shinsou. But, even if Denki can find a new path in general studies with Shinsou, he can't help but think of those he left behind.

Bakugo and Kirishima are devastated by the loss of Kaminari. Bakugo's furious that Kaminari left, and Kirishima's...well...broken by the loss of his best friend. How can they call themselves heroes when they couldn't help their friend when he was at his lowest point?

Aizawa has a plan. Before Kaminari left, he struck a deal with him. Four weeks. If after four weeks Kaminari wants to come back, Aizawa will welcome him back. If he wants to stay, then he can never return to the hero course again. Aizawa's confident in his knowledge about his students, and he understands that what Kaminari needs is time. He has certain forces in play behind his actions...after all, it can't be a coincidence that Kaminari just happened to end up in the same class as Hitoshi.

“Thus With a Kiss, I die” (T) by DomineeringScarves

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15993539/chapters/37314002

Warnings: none

Kaminari finds himself head over heels for the newest addition to their class, Shinsou Hitoshi. Normally the flirty blonde would just present himself with open arms but there's a major problem with his infatuation. There's unspoken rules in 1-A and Kaminari is part of the Bakusquad...whereas Shinsou is a part of the Dekusquad. The two can't be together. It's just not possible. There's no way Bakugou would ever allow one of his extras to date Deku's friend.

There's only one thing left to do, give up and move on. Too bad Kaminari can't seem to escape Shinsou.

Aka the fic where Kaminari is Romeo and Shinsou is Juliet and they have to secretly date so their squads don't fall into an all out war.

“No More Fragments” (M) by Ischemia

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16057748/chapters/37489790

Warnings: none

Shinsou Hitoshi has finally gotten his wish and is now officially a part of Class 1-A. It was everything he'd wanted, but all of these obstacles keep finding him.

Sometimes this means a cute blonde boy he doesn't know how to talk to and other times it means possibly losing the trust of the class he so badly wants to be a part of.

Cue awkward dates, Shinsou having the best dads in the world, and learning what friendship means.

“Eventuality” (T) by KikaTouka

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15895002/chapters/37042446

Warnings: none

Shinsou learns more than just hero lessons after being transferred to 1-A.

“As You Wish” (T) by All_My_Characters_Are_Dead

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16301087

Warnings: none

“Be sure to wake Sleeping Beauty with a kiss,” Kirishima said with a knowing grin. Hitoshi considered stabbing the captain, but that would just get him on Commander Bakugou’s bad side, and it would only break his blade because it was Kirishima and Hitoshi was pretty sure no normal weapon could hurt him.

“You shouldn’t say things like that,” Hitoshi said, pointedly adjusting the position of the blades concealed at his wrists while holding Kirishima’s gaze. “You know I would never do such a thing.”

“Kaminari’s Declassified Coming Out Survival Guide” (T) by MustardSoup

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17204222/chapters/40453802

Warnings: none

Local disaster bi, Kaminari Denki, is yanked right out of the questioning stage of his life and now has to navigate the process of coming out.

He decides to do it step-by-step, with each step taking more courage than the last.

And if coming out equates to slaying the dragon, then perhaps by the end of this he'll get the guy, too.

“Kiss Me Through The Screen” (M) by Ischemia

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17289734/chapters/40664117

Warnings: none

Shinsou remembers when he first saw the ad for Ch4rgeb0lt’s services. He was just messing around online when a pop-up appeared with his smiling face, one eye winking and the other brightly flashing with happiness.

“Lonely? Tired of coming home to an empty apartment? Can’t find anyone to listen to your problems? Say no more! For the low cost of $10 per stream, you can have all the company and love you ever wanted. Get a best friend for the best price!”

His first reaction was, “what kind of depressing loser needs to buy a boyfriend?” before he looked around at his empty home and realized he might be that depressing loser.

“My Best Mistake” (T) by SammyD

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17374055

Warnings: Major Character Death

Shinsou takes a secret to his grave

“How to save a life” (T) by anxioussailorsoldier

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17379239

Warnings: none

Shinsou doesn't expect to find Kaminari on the roof of UA.

“Follow You (Like Morning Follows Night)” (T) by Anonymouspotato

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16994013

Warnings: none

When Shinsou finally found Kaminari, he was on the roof of the dorms, leaning against the railing. He almost didn’t want to interrupt him. But he had a job to do.

~~~~~~~~~~

Based on the song ‘Like Morning Follows Night’ from the RWBY soundtrack, but you don’t need to know anything about that show or that song to read

“geyser.” (G) by fuckendeavor666

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17934377

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings

shinsou hitoshi has had a hard life. though, now, he is not as alone as he once was.

“If I’m The Thunder You’re The Lightning” (NR) by Taintedazure

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21212525

Warnings: none, creator chose not to use archive warnings

Kaminari has always been a chill kind of guy. Always taking it in stride and acting a little weird to make his friends laugh. His entire world gets turned upside down when he finds out who his soulmate is.

“Thus With You, I Smile” (T) by Kawayls

https://archiveofourown.org/series/1546096

Warnings: none

A bunch of ShinKami centered One Shots, that are set up in the same universe. Each one can be read as an individual work, though I order them chronologically.

“Nightmares” (NR) by Elux

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16801231

Warnings: none

Shinsou Hitoshi wake up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare.

“BakuSquad Initiation” (G) by PoorUnfortunateSoul

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21652948

Warnings: none

Shinsou is initiated into the Bakusquad, per Kaminari's request.

[Now with fanart!]

__________

Shinsou Week 2019 - Day 6 - Blanket Forts

“You Seem Familiar” (G) by PoorUnfortunateSoul

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21673501

Warnings: none

“You have an affinity for Black Magic?” he asks, sounding unbelieving.

“Yeah!” Denki says, and it feels so surreal to argue for it, instead of promising that he doesn’t. “When I was younger I figured out that Black Magic just sort of feels, I dunno, alive? To me? I guess? I don’t really know how else to explain it, it’s a little electrifying almost. I dunno. But, when you look at me, I get the same feeling? So that’s why I thought you had an affinity for it, I’m sorry if I-”

“I do,” Shinsou cuts him off. “I’ve known since I was six. I just - can’t feel it on you, like you do me.”

Denki feels himself deflate immediately. Is this one of those unrequited soulmate things? It’d be just his luck, honestly.

_________

Shinsou Bowl Week Day 7: AU

“It Sucks, Really” (G) by Kawayls

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20465996

Warnings: none

Kaminari can't sleep at nights because of stomach aches and burdening thoughts. Shinsou is a worried boyfriend. Both are dorks in love and have no idea what are they supposed to do with the rising problem.

“Holy Shi- YoUrE gAy??” (NR) by seizethosegays

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21780742

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnins

Holiday, fight, blood, Eri, hair clips, aizawa

“Fragile Lightning” (G) by Treesha

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21863329

Warnings: none

With Denki's quirk causing rapid deterioration of his memories, Hitoshi struggles with finding a way to help him.

“baby let me ride your wave” (NR) by beelue

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21893185

Warnings: none

Kaminari Denki's days are filled with summer sun, laughing with his friends, and occasionally saving lives. He knew he was Bisexual- He had since he rescued a (smoking hot) guy from drowning and two seconds later asked for his number.

But he truly realized he was a disaster after seeing Shinsou Hitoshi for the first time.

title - wave by blanks

“Blamed” (T) by coldandhotsoba

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16644668

Warnings: graphic depictions of violence

This was not how the day was supposed to end. They were supposed to end the day like they do most nights. Kaminari clutching onto him like a koala as he slept, wrapped in the millions of tacky blankets Kaminari had bought. Warm and safe in their bed. It was not supposed to end with both of them tied up in some cold metal room.

“Love Is A Strange Potion Ingredient” (NR) by soybean-fics (mischuis)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16609040

Warnings: none

Shinsou Hitoshi is a local potion brewer. Kaminari Denki is a witch.

And, in Shinsou's opinion, a witch with a really cute smile. Wait. Is this a crush? Fuck.

Alternatively: The One Where Shinsou Falls Head Over Heels For The Witch Who Visits His Brewery Every Day.

“The Best-Laid Plans of Shinsou Hitoshi” (T) by aces_low

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19052008

Warnings: none

Kaminari has a habit of ruining Shinsou's plans.

“Lighting Scars” (T) by Present-Mics-scream (write_your_way_out)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17720768

Warnings: none

It's hard to be confident in your abilities when you're surrounded by people with incredible quirks. Shinsou Hitoshi would know better than anyone. Sure, he was admitted to the hero course in his second year, but being admitted to the hero course, and keeping up with the rest of the class are two different things.

Lucky for him, Kaminari is there to prove that the flashiest quirks come with the largest drawbacks.

“Mysterious as the dark side of the moon” (T) by beetime

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15968039

Warnings: none

“I wasn’t attacking you then,” he responded, cracking his neck from side to side like he always did when they restarted. Aizawa moved his feet back into stance. “I noticed this time when you gave me that look you do when I do something wrong.”

Aizawa blinked. He knew exactly the angle the kid was playing at, but it didn’t stop him from being the least bit curious. He narrowed his eyes, “What look?”

Shinsou shrugged but there was an edge to his mouth that Aizawa had come to recognize as a smirk, “Eh. Already forgot it. Guess I’ll tell you next time,” he matched Aizawa’s stance, “though there won’t be one.”

✦

aizawa continues training shinsou

“Fear Is Just Your Mind Being A Bitch” (NR) by MinzeySparkleIsPerfect8

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19965337

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings, none

Fear is something that your mind makes up. You get scared thanks to your brain. Phobias can easily be overcome.

But what can you do when a phobia gets the best of you and brings you down?

“Sleeping Guitarist” (G) by Momjeansdeku

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19950076

Warnings: none

Needless to say, Kaminari never thought he’d find love at a Sleeping Guitarist concert.

He’s glad he did.

Or

AU where Shinsou Hitoshi is a fucking rockstar.

“One Day, Maybe…” (T) by eelora

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20874689

Warnings: none

… he'll finally propose.

[Or, how Shinsou spends three months documenting his proposal.]

“Obliviously in Like” (T) by BadonKaDank

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20562731/chapters/48812711

Warnings: none

Alternate title:

5 times the Kaminari and Shinsou were oblivious to their feelings for one another and 1 time they weren’t because communication is a thing that for some reason they didn’t try all the other times before???

OR (take your pick)

5 Times Azaiwa and Mic told the boys to COMMUNICATE their feelings and 1 time they actually did!!

“Protect You” (G) by IcyHotHeart

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20185825

Warnings: none

Denki has a nightmare, but luckily, his boyfriend is more than happy to calm him down.

“Debunked Nightmare” (G) by MinzeySparkleIsPerfect8

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20909432

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings, none

After waking up at 3:27 from a horrible nightmare, Denki is unable to sleep and searches the dorms to find if his friends and boyfriend were safe.

Thankfully, Aizawa steps in and makes sure that Denki is able to feel more comfortable before bringing Hitoshi to help more than he can.

“1,000 watt smiles” (T) by All_time_low3st

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22195747

Warnings: none

A prompt I forgot to actually post (oops)

For prompt: kamishin- an unexpected twisted ankle leads to one being piggybacked to Recovery Girl’s office across campus. Everyone takes photos of the event because (1) it’s cute as hell (“they look just like a shoujo couple!”) and (2) “damn I didn’t know denki could lift bro!” (Basically, all the blushes ensure)

“Brain Damage” (T) by Kawayls

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20325559/chapters/48190303

Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence

This is supposed to be the best day ever, or so Shinsou is trying to do. It isn't his fault that villains never rest; it also isn't his fault that electricity is a dangerous game and that karma is a bitch.

“More Than Alone” (G) by Ischemia

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22061683

Warnings: none

Kaminari is determined to make sure Shinsou has a fun New Years, despite his desire to be by himself.

They both win.

“Nobody Plans A Murder Out Loud” (NR) by HeyItsHoot

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20530805

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings, none

Shinsou isn't jealous, what are you even talking about? No, Jirou, he is not. How dare you.

“Electric Connection” (G) by Onlymostydead

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22012375

Warnings: none

Kaminari's quirk has always had... Weird side affects. Like his ADHD. And his constant energy.

And his insomnia, which wouldn't leave him be right now, when he really needed to just get some sleep.

But, thankfully, he has good friends.

“Mistlet-Oh?” (G) by AbithaLynDrankonclaw

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21759316

Warnings: none

"I think we're in a stable enough place to adopt one, if you'd like."

Hitoshi's heart stops.

Denki brightens and leans down to kiss his forehead.

"Merry Christmas, 'Toshi.”

(aka it’s christmas so Denki lets Hitoshi adopt a cat and accidentally makes him cry)

“‘Studying’” (T) by emmyrox22

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21744931

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings

Shinsou and Kaminari have been “studying” together for a while (but not for school). Shinsou gets stopped by his dads on the way to another “study” session and mistakes are made

“electrify my heart” (T) by hypocentres

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21727036

Warnings: none

Shinsou, who has monochromatic vision, doesn’t need to see the color yellow to know it’s his favorite.

“Of Telephone Calls and Teacher’s Pets” (G) by BigDangoFamily

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21906928

Warnings: none

“You know I love you, dude, right?”

It takes a few seconds for Kaminari’s words to pierce the sleep-thick veil surrounding Shinsou’s brain. When Shinsou finally does register what Kaminari is saying, he feels an immediate desire to hang up and go back to sleep. As it is, he can already sense a headache starting to form. Biting back a groan, Shinsou rubs his bleary eyes in an effort to keep them open.

“What did you do this time,” Shinsou replies, his voice lacking any sort of inflection.

OR: Shinsou answers Kaminari's phone call and immediately regrets it.

“I don’t care if the world knows (what my secrets are)” (G) by greatcloudninja

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21888871

Warnings: none

The first time Hitoshi came to the mortal world, he was amazed by how bright it was.

Hizashi, the god of new life, always left for part of the year; only occasionally popping back down to the underworld to visit with Hitoshi and his husband, Shouta, god of the dead. Every year, Hitoshi asked if he could go to the mortal world with his papa, and every year Hizashi told him, “Maybe when you’re a little older.”

Finally, after twenty years of asking, Hizashi replied, “I think you’re big enough.”

Or, godling Hitoshi visits the mortal world, falls in love with a human musician, and learns that sometimes, people really are what they appear to be on the surface.

“An Insomniac’s Dilemma” (G) by Toboe1087

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21957589

Warnings: none

Shinsou never thought that he'd find his soulmate. After all, how was an insomniac supposed to find their partner when their only hints come to them through dreams?

“maybe planning dates isn’t your calling, bro” (G) by meiishu

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22440232

Warnings: none

Kaminari presses his lips into a thin line. “Sero, you’re missing the bigger issue here.”

“Oh, yeah.” Sero leans forward a bit. “What’s up, bro?”

“So I asked him out to dinner and he said yes but he gave me this weird look when I told him where I was taking him.”

--

or: kaminari the chaotic dumbass asks the hot vampire from his intro to wolf culture class out on a date to olive garden.

“Irrationality and Comfort” (G) by MinzeySparklesIsPerfect8

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22392550

Warnings: none

After settling into 1-A, people don't seem to notice how Eri suddenly began growing fearful of the boy with a certain lightning bolt in his hair.

But the said boy does notice.

Or

Eri grows afraid of Denki Kaminari out of fear of that one Shie Hassaikai member.

“Much To Learn” (G) by Rusty_schreech

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16003151

Warnings: none

Kaminari Denki and Shinsou Hitoshi need some advice from their favorite teachers.

Inspired by all the "Erasermic 2.0" talk surrounding Shinkami!

“welcome to the world little one.” (NR) by baby345

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22326472

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings

The day Denki water breaks his at his parents-in-law's home with only eri and Yamada. Shinsou is at work with his dad and it’s 3:00 in the morning.

“What the fuck?” Denki slurred. he tries to get up only for him to feel a pop and a trickle of liquid flow down tanned legs. 

 “Oh shit.”

“Heart, lead me home.” (NR) by baby345

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22308586

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings

It was over for Hitoshi before he even knew he was a goner for the blonde. Now they were married and living the stuff of fairytales. Hitoshi’s biggest fear has always been that he was unloveable, that he would never know true and pure love because of his quirk. But as he looked around his childhood home at the pictures of his loved ones, his and Eri’s adoption pictures, at his and his parent’s Wedding pictures, his graduation photos and the birth of his son, he found that love surrounded him in every aspect of his life.

“To See Without My Eyes” (G) by corbeod

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20298883

Warnings: none

Oh, oh woe-oh-woah is me

The first time that you touched me

Oh, will wonders ever cease?

Blessed be the mystery of love

Five times Denki falls in love with the future and one time he falls in love with the present.

“Purple Butterflies and Bursting Sparks.” (G) by daisiesandstars

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22741180

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings

3 times Shinsou fantasied what it would be like to be in those situations Kaminari's friends so easily get to experience. + 1 time he doesn't.

“the good side” (G) by junichirou

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16787428

Warnings: none

"Please teach me how to kiss!"

Hitoshi has heard so many bizarre comments come out from Kaminari's mouth, has heard him spout out bullshit and jokes that even him cannot comprehend. He has heard Kaminari say things that his brain is incapable to process, but this one is the one that causes Hitoshi's mind to blank out. He expected anything, but never this.

So it's not really his fault when his vocabulary seems to disappear and the only proper words he can let out is "What the fuck?"

“A Cold Polish” (G) by pinkskadan

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17714039

Warnings: none

Shinsou has never had his nails painted. Kaminari offers to be his first.

“Mind Defibrillator” (T) by DinoGraveyard

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19470070/chapters/46345510

Warnings: none

For reasons Kaminari Denki couldn't understand, people enjoyed watching him die repeatedly and shit talk NPCs as they owned him. What started as a joke evolved into a surprisingly lucrative career as the game streamer Chargebolt. By some miracle, he was one of the most followed gaming channels on the internet.

He knew that streaming an indie queer game by the unknown developer Shinsou Hitoshi would be a change of pace for his channel. He didn't expect to start re-thinking certain aspects of himself as well.

“angel” (G) by flightlesscrow

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17832134

Warnings: none

Shinsou fights with class 1-A's Team 1 in the joint training exercise between classes 1-A and 1-B, and meets an angel in the process.

“Come to Bed” (NR) by Dadzawa

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18368678

Warnings: none

Kaminari can’t sleep, even though he’s fucking exhausted. Good thing Shinsou knows the best way to get him to unwind.

“For You Even Chocolate” (G) by xemrox (Roquel)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18396866

Warnings: none

When Hitoshi Shinsou receives chocolates on White Day, Denki panics.

“in a cafe i watched it begin again” (T) by freofreak

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21142094

Warnings: none

Omega Kaminari Denki runs a coffee shop with his Pack. He’s the only single one however, and feels as if his biological clock is running out and his insecurities don’t make anything easier. It’s just his luck when he meets a tired, overworking Alpha during a night shift.

“shinsou hitoshi: emotional disaster” (T) by bittermacchiato

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21712336

Warnings: none

Follow the adventures of Shinsou Hitoshi (emotional disaster) pining his way through Kaminari Denki's heart!

ps: they're in love

pss: neither of them know that

“Totally romantic style” (T) by emmyrox22

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22528351

Warnings: creator chose not to use archive warnings

Shinsou and Kaminari have formed a nightly routine of sorts. All it takes is one unscheduled mental breakdown for the truth to come out.

“Anyways, I’m stalling. Um… I like you dude. Like, for real. Totally romantic style.”

[dreamingofscully]

5x07. “Emily” (part 2 of 2) - X-Files Rewatch

This... is an extremely long post. It not only involves "Emily" analysis but some creative thinking surrounding "Per Manum" from season 8, due to some inconsistencies surrounding the storylines in both. I think I have a fix though!

Scully's dream - walking by herself on some sort of desert - "Alone, as ever." I refuse to use the word that gets used in this series while talking about Scully's fertility here, even though I think this scene is is meant to allude to it. Gross.

It's one thing for Scully to have the knowledge that she cannot conceive and to think she has the possibility of adopting her sister's child. It's quite another to discover that Emily is hers, and possibly the only child that will ever be hers, and that she was created unwillingly out of trauma. 😥

She doesn’t hesitate to call Mulder. She needs to find out Emily's history, needs to KNOW to have power over it. She doesn't care too much about the implications - what led her to her daughter, hearing her sister's voice. It doesn't matter, all that she cares about is Emily.

I love that Scully told Emily about Mulder before he got there. He's important to her and will be just as much a part of Emily's life as he is in Scully's. I wonder what she told her?

The picture of Mulder seeing the two of them on the floor together. Emily's grin is eerily similar to Scully's. What must Mulder be thinking?

He's so good with kids, too. Wish we'd seen more daddy Mulder. Such a waste.

Mulder calls her out on why she didn't call him sooner. He's starting to push a bit more, be a bit more demanding and critical when she does things that don't make sense (but that he knows are pushing the boundaries for her in terms of her belief).

Scully wanting him as a witness in her adoption hearing. But Mulder says he should have declined because he doesn't want to see her hurt. 😥 He has a feeling this can only end badly.

Really shitty of Mulder to reveal the fact that he knew that Scully's ova were harvested during her abduction for the first time IN FRONT OF A JUDGE. Whyyyyy didn't he tell her this... oh, y'know... on the way over? So she's not sitting there with her mouth open completely vulnerable and exposed? it was necessary to tell the judge so that it would support Scully's adoption - that things were forcibly removed from her and then experimented with to create Emily. But he SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER BEFORE THIS. (I talk about this more in my analysis at the end.)

Scully looking back at Mulder in relief that Emily's still there, cut short by realizing she's sick. Mulder immediately taking her in his arms. 😥

"Are you two the parents?"

he subtle looks between themselves

then Scully saying she's the mother, even though its complicated - what else can she say without telling a stupidly long and complicated story?

Scully grasping Mulder's shoulder at the window & standing close, seeing what is happening with Emily in the room. Poor Emily, all alone in the room, causing someone else to be sick. 😥

Mulder going to Dr. Calderon and doing what he does (frustration manifesting as physical violence) while Scully stays by Emily's side.

"I want everything to help that little girl."

Scully in a mask. Her tenderness 😥 Her heart breaking when she has to put Emily in a scary situation - the sound of the machine.

The idea that she's found a child but now she's dying and will lose her. D:>

Threatening the social worker - ensuring she can still make decisions about Emily. Though she's not the most objective, she has the most knowledge about the strangeness surrounding her.

God Emily is so stinkin' cute. Scully makes cute babies.

Standing close outside Emily's room. Wanting to reassure Mulder despite what she's going through. HUG HER DAMNIT (though she'd probably not want him to right now).

He puts his arm around her, says he'll stay but Scully wants to be alone.

she doesn't want to be around him when she breaks down

this isn't about him, she can't spare any energy worrying about him

she can't let him in yet. Doesn't think he thinks of her in a romantic way and can't let him in out of pity. Needs to stay strong. Also she's pissed at him (see below).

At the funeral, Mulder wanting to comfort. Gazing.

Deep dive Emily analysis/fix. (Also “Per Manum” stuff.)

So there’s a contradiction in Emily/Per Manum. As written, both episodes contradict each other.

EMILY (Adoption Hearing for Emily) MULDER: She was missing for 4 weeks, that's documented in the file. JUDGE: And you found evidence that during this time, she was subjected to experiments where ... you say, they extracted her ova? MULDER: Yes, all of them. (Scully is stunned.)

(LATER ON.) SCULLY: Why didn't you tell me, Mulder? MULDER: I never expected this. I thought I was protecting you.

PER MANUM (Elevators of FBI Building) SCULLY: I was left unable to conceive with whatever test that they did on me. And I am not ready to accept that I will never have children. MULDER: Scully, there's, um, there's something I haven't told you either and I hope you, uh, forgive me and understand why I would have kept it from you. SCULLY: What? MULDER: During my investigation into your illness I found out the reason why you were left barren. Your ova were taken from you and stored in a government lab.

Events of Per Manum deal with the EXACT SAME CONVERSATION but in a MUCH LESS SHITTY manner (well, except for the use of the word "barren"). Mulder tells her what he knows in private, and is apologetic. The question being, which came first? Is Per Manum unreliable because it's a memory? Doesn't seem likely that Scully would forget exactly what happened, but it seems that it is the only possibility. Perhaps instead of telling Mulder straight out about not being able to conceive she only tells him about not wanting to accept it. Therefore Emily happens first then Per Manum. And once we get there in the series I’ll reveal when I think the flashback occurred (it’s within season 5).

EDITED/FIX’D PER MANUM SCENE:

SCULLY: I was left unable to conceive with whatever test that they did on me. And I am not ready to accept that I will never have children. MULDER: Scully, there's, um, there's something I haven't told you either and I hope you, uh, forgive me and understand why I would have kept it from you. SCULLY: What? MULDER: During my investigation into your illness I found out that your the reason why you were left barren. Your ova were taken from you and stored in a government lab.

(This also has the bonus of removing Mulder saying “that word” so yeah.

The reason for the extra stuff in Per Manum is just pure laziness, not wanting to re-explain to people who didn't remember stuff from Emily, not wanting to have additional flashbacks to the episode to save time.

The adoption hearing is where Scully shuts herself away from Mulder. She wanted more from him, wanted a second chance. With Emily, perhaps her priority shifted to her daughter, but she wanted Mulder included in whatever that relationship ended up being. When she learns that Mulder kept all of this from her, it is a very large step backwards. Scully won't initiate anything not only out of fear that Mulder doesn't feel the same, fear of a deeper connection, but also because he PISSED HER OFF. 

Hiding knowledge from Scully is very bad. She NEEDS TO KNOW, in order to have power over terrible things that are done to her. She goes into pathology to have power over death and dying. She focuses on finding out what happened to her when she was abducted, despite being recently returned, needing to know to have power over her fears about it. That he withheld these things from her takes away her power/her control over them.

At her brother's house, sitting on the couch unusually far away from each other.

Why didn't you tell me, Mulder? - Scully I never expected this. I thought I was protecting you. - Mulder

Anything else that might need to be said is interrupted by a phone call. Emily needs their help.

Scully wants to say more, wants to call him out for why his actions hurt her so much, but her focus switches immediately to Emily, on being there for her, instead of thinking too deeply about anything else. Also, Scully needs Mulder's help, and he did come from a place of wanting to protect her, so she focuses on who the "real" enemies are at the moment. These facts do not excuse the shitty things Mulder did, but provide a reason for her to ignore it for the moment.

Scully folds in on herself after losing Emily. It will be a while before she can open up to Mulder, to anyone. DISTANCES HERSELF because she needs to heal, needs to go back to the safely and familiarity of JUST work. She CANNOT risk any more right now.  She's be extremely hesitant to open up again. She's regressed emotionally to where she was before her cancer diagnosis, probably WORSE.

Scully's fears came true. Her fear of death/loss once she opened herself up.

She takes a chance on the little girl, Missy's voice and her instincts causing her to pursue the investigation - all she learns is that when she takes a chance, when she believes in something other than the expected, all she gets is pain and sorrow. (Although she wouldn’t trade having known Emily for anything, the experience is a terrible one to have to go through.)

[sopeyb23-blog]

Coming Home

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9

Summary: While Spencer recovers at OC’s old home, she is forced to tell what happened to her there.

Warnings: Anxiety, Trauma, Injury, hit and run, stalking, swearing, angst, panic, suicide (past)

pairing: Spencer Reid X OC

Words: 2K

A/N: this ones suuuuper dark people, i’m not gonna lie. Its longer than usual because I am hoping to finish this series with the next chapter! If criminal minds style plots trigger you I wouldn’t recommend this chapter is pretty dark.

*I do not own any CM characters 

~~~~~~~~

Part 9

Spencer~

For the days that we stayed in her house, I never once saw a sign in her parents, or even her sister for that matter, that would tell me about what happened to her here. Not that I was looking so hard. It’s difficult sometimes, to keep myself from looking at all the little moves people make. It's difficult to not immediately think the worst of everyone around me after all of the horrible parts of humanity that I’ve seen. I had been in situations similar to hers before. I knew the pain of thinking that your trauma is something for only you to handle. The terrifying feeling that maybe it won't go away, thinking constantly that I’m just a burden. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, especially not anyone I love as much as her. 

I looked up from my seat at the counter to where Sophie and her sister were talking in hushed voices. Every once in a while I would see the both of them look at the pictures adorning the walls of the house. At some of them they would give a faint smile, while at others a small grimace. I heard little bits of their conversations sometimes, slowly putting together what I missed.

“We promised not to talk about-” 

“Well we also said we wouldn't-”

“Have you seen-”

“No, I assumed they were-”

It was that moment, that I'm sure of. The moment none of them would speak of. Something that not only made the three siblings closer than ever, but also more afraid of losing one another than they ever had been. Something big enough to scare two of three of them out of the state the same year, to never come back. Something so terrifying to all of them that they would never even talk about it.

Sophie~

Spencer sat at my kitchen counter slowly eating the soup I had made for him the previous night. Lu and I were in the doorway to the living room talking as quietly as we could.

“If you would just tell him we wouldn’t have to-” 

“No, not yet, I don’t want to have to bring him into this!”

We were talking about that night. The night that the three of us would keep guarded forever. Less than two months after that night I left for college and never came back. That is, until now. I knew I had to tell Spencer. I was waiting until we could go home. When I wasn't here anymore, then maybe, but it seemed that we wouldn't be leaving for at least another week. I didn't want to keep dodging his questions. But the fact of the matter is, not only does this change everything for him, but for me as well. And I am notoriously bad with change. After keeping this to myself for all these years, the prospect of telling someone else terrified me. Even if that person was Spencer.

“Sophie, I love you, you know that. We both know what happened wasn't our fault. But not telling him doesn't make it go away. You have to do it. Staying here without him knowing just puts him and you more at risk than ever.”

Spencer~

Now that, I heard. Loud and clear even though my brain was hazy from pain and sleep. What risk? If something happened to her I don’t know what I would do. Another loss in my life would be too much. I only had her left to lose. She's all I have left. 

“Sophie if you're in trouble you know I would help you, right?” I attempted to stay quiet but the thought of her trying to do this on her own was one step I wasn’t willing to take.

She quickly turned around after hearing my voice and rubbed a hand over her forehead.

“If somethings wrong you need to tell me. I can help.” she put her hand down and walked toward me. 

“I know, Spence, I know” she sat down on the stool next to me and took my hand.

“How about we take a walk?” Her eyes pleaded with me not to say anything more for the moment, and I complied. She helped me up from the seat and kept her hand on my back as she walked me out of the house.

“There's a place, out back, I used to go there when I was upset, it's quiet so we can talk”

Her voice rang with sadness and defeat but her eyes stayed looking toward the ground and she walked with me on a small gravel path leading behind the house.

Sophie~

This is not how it was supposed to happen. I was going to take him back home, I was going to put on the tea kettle and make us both peppermint tea. I was going to sit beside him on the couch in our living room and tell him about that night. But here I am, walking with him back to the place I used to come to cry when I was young. Preparing to tell him something that would change everything. 

“Right here, Spence. Sit.” I sat him on a log bench overlooking the ocean behind my house. I stood before him for a second, contemplating how to tell him before sitting beside him on the bench.

“It started when I was sixteen”

I laughed and opened up my car door, throwing my backpack in the backseat before moving to the front. On the front seat was a little envelope, presumably slipped through the little crack at the top of my window. It was addressed to me in dark bold lettering, but handwriting that I didn’t recognize. I sent a picture to my best friend at the time, Ben. He responded almost immediately:

B: wasn’t me, I promise! Where'd you find that?

S: my car, it was just sitting on the driver's seat, should I open it?

B: ummmm, Yeah!! But send me a picture of what it says!

I carefully opened the envelope, trying my best to not rip- 

“Wait, wait, wait.” Spencer stopped me in my tracks and put his hand out in front of him like he was stopping a car in the road.

“Ben? Isn't he-”

“The one that killed himself the first year we were dating” I stopped him in his tracks and gulped after I said it. It was never an easy thing to talk about, even so long after. But he comes in later, and I have too much of the story left to start crying now, so I continued.

I opened it to find a badly folded bit of construction paper with a note saying “I always love it when you wear braids” behind the paper was about six or seven pictures of me. All of them were in color and taken from afar, usually at my back, with the braids that I wore so often circled on each photo in red sharpie. I took a few photos to send to Ben but didn't wait for a response before securing the envelope in my glove compartment and locking my doors. I right away texted my sister the photos as well and drove off as fast as I could from the school parking lot.

“So you were being stalked?”

“In short, yes. It got worse and much more frequent. After that I stopped wearing my braids as often. I figured, if that's what he wants I'm sure as hell not giving it to him. But the pictures kept coming, until one day a few months after the first envelope my mom found one on my doorstep.”

“Oh, Sophie, I forgot to tell you, I put a letter for you on your desk, I found it on the porch.” my heart stopped when she told me. He had never left them at my home before. He had left them in my car, in my locker, in my school bag even, but never once at my home. I never told my mom, only my siblings and Ben. I faked a smile to her after I could calm my breathing enough to speak.

“Thanks, Mom, I'll look at it a bit. It's probably just an invitation or something” I couldn't bring her into this, especially not now that he knew where I lived. 

I took photos of the new envelope. The same handwriting adorned the note and my name written on the outside. Again the note was written with a red sharpie on badly folded construction paper. Again six or seven photos with markings all over the pictures in the same red sharpie as on the note. This time, the pictures were closer. Some still far away, but those taken from afar were through windows. Some even into my bedroom.

“And you didn't go to the police?” Spencer's voice yet again interrupted me from the memories that were so prevalent in my mind.

“No. The new note said I couldn't. I was a young woman, in Maine, Spence. No one would have taken me seriously even if I had. Besides, in that same note he wrote the address of all of my friends and family. He promised to kill them If I told anyone.” Spencer said nothing but his eyes and shoulders sank. He put a hand on my leg and rubbed as he saw me shake. Even all these years later the very thought of it scared me so bad that I could barely breathe.

It continued like that for two years. Once a month at least I would get an envelope. I never saw him. After I graduated there were a few months where I didn’t get a note. I thought it was over. My brother and my sister came back to Maine for the summer. I was accepted into an accelerated MD program at Tufts and was leaving in a few months. Then, three months before I was supposed to leave, the notes came back. 

“Lu, I don't know what to do!” I sat on the couch in our living room and cried to her while my brother stood by the wall reading the note. After he was done reading, he grabbed my hand and looked me dead in the eyes.

“We’re going to the school” He helped me and Lu up from the couch and we all got in his car.

“Dominic, we can’t! You saw the last one! He knows where we live!” 

“He said we couldn't go to the police, he never said anything about the school” 

And so, we went. He parked in the back and locked the car with the windows rolled up even with the summer heat. He walked in front of me and Lu behind me. And then we went in. 

“So you told the school?”

“We tried. It was already dark by the time we had gotten there. There was no one in the building, so we left.”

Defeated, Dominic promised me that we would go as soon as we could the next day and he and Lu walked out of the building towards the car. I swear before it happened I felt something was wrong. There was nothing that could have told me that, I know. But as I stepped off of that curb in front of the building, chills went up my spine. I looked up to see the face of a boy in my class. I didn't even know his name but I recognized him. He was driving a car. A red Ford truck. As I smiled up to him I didn't even notice his engine revving. He hit me full force and drove off without a second of hesitation. 

I was sobbing now, remembering the pain that I felt before I went unconscious. I was barely conscious for a minute before I passed out. But still that was the worst pain I had felt in my life. Spencer rubbed my back and coached me through breathing as best he could. His face was a mixture of panic and sadness but he said nothing as he helped me breathe.

“I should have died that night, maybe then he would have left us all alone”

[soft-sunflower]

ahhhh we're thinking the same thing! on ep 6 he said that he found out about his dad being a murderer when he saw it on tv so like that's enough to traumatise anyone that would make them behave "strange" or whatever also the fact that the town thought he was possesed by the devil just because he never smiled? what ? why do kids gotta smile all the time damn i bet all the notes ji won read are probably just assumptions as well idk i'm just excited to see where this series goes lmao

Yeah! Him saying that he found out his dad was a serial killer by watching TV REALLY surprised me! I wonder... did they ever specify how old Hyunsoo was when his father committed those murders? Do you think he was being honest there? I feel like he’s lived some sort of horrible trauma that’s made him forget things or become the way he supposedly behaved as a child (threw a puppy in the river/is violent toward mammals/etc...) and if those reports are actually TRUE or VERY mislead. They might even be prejudiced and those reports were written by someone who straight up lied about him. It’s ALL so confusing and I’m DYING to know more!!! Also, the bit about the village foreman taking in both him and his sister after his mother died (I’m going to touch on that in a sec here too), I really wonder exactly WHAT that man did to those kids? He supposedly took care of them? Took care of them HOW exactly?? And why was Hyunsoo seeing his sister’s face covered in blood when he was in his badly wounded state and half out of it when he outed himself as Hyunsoo to Jiwon? How is she involved in this and what is he trying to protect in regards to his sister? ALSO, his MOTHER. They found her body??? TF Happened to her!? Did someone kill her and Hyunsoo witnessed it at a young age hence the change in him due to horrifying trauma? Or did he witness her committing suicide? What exactly happened here in regards to his mother? I think we should pay some extra special attention to the mother going missing and then them finding her body. Something tells me that Hyunsoo’s trauma stems from their mother. I’m guessing a lot of those notes were assumptions. “He’s violent, so he MIGHT have the tendency to kill someone” You know what I mean? Something doesn’t add up and something isn’t sitting right with me in terms of those reports.

[sunfloweryang]

wowerror replied to your post “wowerror replied to your post “<p>Where do you think the show...”

you bring up some good points and at times it feels like they think Ruby is the least interesting character to write because as much as like how much more she has gotten to do it still feels like they shaft her in regards to stuff like ignoring her trauma regarding Penny (which was pretty much ignored all through 4-6 btw) and also how Oscar gets the big confrontation with Ironwood

like this problem happened with Jaune in the early volumes where he got way more focus in regards to his character than RWBY (no matter how badly written it was) and now it seems like Oscar has just replaced him

also like in regards to ACEOps I sort of feel like JNR being there wasn't a good choice because how much better would it have been if each member of RWBY had bonded with ACEOp they fought like I feel the inclusion of these side characters actually does sort of mess with good stuff for RWBY to get if you get what I mean

also like another issue with Oz is a problem that crops with other characters like I think Tai is good example because they want him to be "number 1 dad" but also have Yang feel as if she was neglected by him to but the only time we get to hear that is when Tai isn't around because if he is around it damages the image they want of him

which is just like with Oz is how they want him to be morally ambigous good guy but they can't commit to making him doing actually morally ambigous things (Pyrrha)

god im so sorry for all of this but one thing that would've been an excellent thing to latch on to is how would Yang react to what Hazel told everyone like I can't imagine how personal that would be for her because she is in the exact same scenario Hazel was in with her sister being a hunter that served Oz like that should've been addressed

yeah no, i am completely in agreement with you. like...i really think one of my biggest issues with RWBY is that it has WAY too big of a cast of characters, which makes it really hard to give the main four their spotlights. which, as you mentioned, is most egregious in Ruby’s case.

don’t get me wrong - she is in a much better place than she was pre-v6. honestly, v6 saved Ruby’s character. but there is still way too many people for the show to keep track of while still managing to make them feel three-dimensional and real. and the thing is? they dont all have to be the at way, but because they’re set on making JNR as relevant as RWBY, then we’re stuck with all of them being present all the time - often when it doesn’t always make sense. 

JNR sticking around this long has been something that’s frustrated me the most, because before the whole journey for the relics started, i didn’t see it working out well that we had such a large group of people in constant motion...and honestly? i haven’t been convinced otherwise yet lol 

but yeah no, i think both Tai and Oz are good examples where the show hasn’t been completely clear as to how the audience is supposed to interpret them, which is why i think the fandom is so split on them majorly. and i do think that both Tai and Oz are vastly more interesting as characters when they don’t play it safe with them. their faults as i read them make sense and make them more human.

also, i had never considered Hazel and Yang resonating like that but that’s a good point!! that’s a really big missed opportunity

[signoraviolettavalery]

I’m new to the Roswell New Mexico fandom and I have noticed people,you, don’t really like the creator Carina and I was wondering why.

Ooooh boy. Would you like those answers in alphabetical order, chronological order, order of egregiousness, or order of how much they piss me off? 

I have a lot of issues with Carina, as do a lot of other people. Obviously, not everyone agrees with me, and some of my answers may be controversial (they’re the subject of biiiig debates in fandom). I have no intention of re-opening those debates, so what I write below is a summary of my opinions (many of which I know are shared by at least some others in fandom) for the purposes of answering your question. I’m also putting it all under a cut, because it’s a lot of negativity that some people may want to skip. 

I mention a lot of tweets and interviews in the answer below; I, frankly, don’t want to go searching for and linking to each interview and tweet (and also, Carina has me blocked, for reasons I’ll get into), but everything below has a source that I can find if you super want to read it yourself. 

So, here goes.

Firstly, Carina pisses me off because she is a white, straight woman who is writing about oppressed and marginalized minorities and, quite frankly, doing a bad job of it. She brags constantly about how progressive her show is, how much she wanted to include people of color and comment on things like immigration, how important the Malex storyline is to her, etc, etc, but doesn’t seem to be capable of (or care about) the delicacy, nuance, and care such issues require.

In a panel she did on Roswell (at ATX or NYCC, I think?) she talked about how she had qualms writing about marginalized people from identities she didn’t belong to; she said she was plagued by the question of “should I even be doing this?” Which she then immediately answered with, “but we’re doing it!” and that was that, and that seemed to me to be such a flippant way to answer the question. Like, you’re writing about people whose experiences you don’t share and your response isn’t “I’m going to do research and talk to people,” it’s “eh, I”m doing it anyway”? 

Then there’s the fact that when it comes to representation, Roswell has done a really really shitty job, engaged in harmful tropes, and thrown its characters of color under the bus. Carina insists that she consults with a lot of advocacy groups when writing about the experiences of undocumented immigrants and Latina characters, and yet. Liz simply forgives Max in the span of two episodes, even though he covered up her sister’s murder and was responsible for subjecting her family to racially-motivated hate crimes for a decade. Max, a white man, at no point acknowledges his privilege; he just pouts and whines when she rejects him until the Latina who was fucked over by his use of privilege just...forgives him. It is, in my opinion, incredibly indelicate and kind of insulting. She made the south Asian man (the only Asian character on the show, in fact) the borderline pedophile serial killer who violated Isobel for years, was creepily grooming both Isobel and Rosa, and murdered a bunch of women. She made the only black woman on the show (Maria) the plot device for an entire season: Maria had no storyline. She was there to give information to Liz when Liz was solving Rosa’s murder. She hasn’t known about the aliens all season and was thus excluded from the major show narratives. Her one defining character trait (her loyalty to her friends) was completely thrown away in order to make her a plot device for Malex (because let’s face it, Miluca won’t last and Malex will get back together). Narratively, she was thrown under the bus. 

And then there’s the queer representation, which...don’t get me started. She keeps talking about how much she loves Malex and how they’re her favorites, but she’s also very explicitly said that she finds happy relationships boring and that she uses fiction to work out her own trauma, which means that she’s essentially likely going to put the only same-sex ship on the show through an interminable amount of tragedy (because that’s what queer viewers absolutely need in this day and age). 

Plus, the idea of a straight woman using a fictional same-sex relationship to work out her own issue makes me really, really uncomfortable, because she’s made it clear that she fundamentally doesn’t understand the queer experience. She says she consults with advocacy groups when she’s writing queer characters (she won’t actually name these LGBT advocacy groups, which doesn’t make me sideye her at all), but I have doubts about whether she listens to them. I mean, she said, after the season 1 finale aired, that Michael going to Maria has nothing to do with her being a woman, even though she also explicitly said Michael wants something “easy,” and a same-sex relationship in Roswell, as it’s presented in canon, can never be easy. Roswell is canonically a homophobic, bigoted town, and Malex’s trauma stems largely from homophobia. Their relationship issues stem (not entirely, but largely) from them being the victims of homophobic abuse and a homophobic hate crime. Being with Maria means Michael never has to worry about any of those things, and the fact that Carina doesn’t seem to conceive of this is mind-boggling to me. 

Then there’s the fact that Maria...basically outed Michael to Liz, and this doesn’t seem to be a problem. Of course, maybe they’ll address it in season 2, I don’t know. But, Carina basically wrote a woman who has been best friends with a gay guy for more than a decade as casually outing someone (when she tells Liz that Michael is Museum Guy). The fact that this is a problem doesn’t seem to cross her mind for a second when she tells Liz, even though this is information Michael has never told her himself and they’ve known each other for a decade. It’s not something Carina’s ever mentioned in the numerous post-finale interviews she did. And frankly, it doesn’t matter who Maria outed Michael to; the fact that she’s capable of it when best friends with a gay guy in a town like Roswell, when Maria has been written as a loyal and understanding friend up to now, again suggests to me that Carina just does not comprehend the queer experience. 

(Also, technically, all the Isobel/Rosa hints, then it turning out that actually Noah was possessing Isobel, screams queerbaiting to me)

And then there’s the mess that is the love triangle. I’m of the camp that things that it’s complete and utter bullshit that contributes to the stereotype of bisexual people as promiscuous, though I know there’s people who think it’s good representation. It shows that she’s more interested in her particular (and frankly, kind of esoteric) storytelling preferences more than she cares about representation or continuity. The love triangle is, frankly, really badly written, and nothing about Maria developing “feelings” for Michael (or him for her, honestly) is in any way believable. Maria getting with Michael behind Alex’s back requires throwing out Maria’s only character trait (her loyalty and commitment to being a good friend). But Carina ~has~ to have her love triangle, characterization or continuity be damned. 

Speaking of storytelling, Carina is kind of...a bad writer. Look, I love the characters on Roswell, and I love the world she created, and it had some truly beautiful moments. But let’s just admit the season 1 plot was a mess. There were so many plot holes. Who knows what? Does Alex know Liz knows about aliens and vice versa? Does Alex know about Rosa, or just about aliens? Why did they spend episode 9 establishing that Alex is taking over project Sheppard to find the alien serial killer, only to have him be missing from the episode (1x11) where they find the alien serial killer? Does Alex know that it’s Noah? If Michael’s hand got broken right before he went to cover up Rosa’s murder, why did Liz think it couldn’t have been Michael “because his hand was broken then”? If Isobel is an event planner (a busy and demanding job) how did they manage to cover up her being missing for so many weeks? If Malex went straight from the museum to the toolshed, when did Alex have time to tell Maria about Museum Guy? What is Alex’s rank? (it changes from the pilot to the show). I could go on. Like, I just don’t have a lot of trust in the narrative going forward, in character and emotional continuity, in a fulfilling story for the characters I love, given that Carina seems to have a basic inability to so much as google (”my entropy changes”? that makes no sense), let alone write a story that makes sense. 

Part of the reason she’s not a very good writer, though, is because she doesn’t seem to like criticism. She insists she listens to it from people who matter and whose judgment she trusts, but, um, the mess that is the narrative suggests otherwise to me. The fact that she wrote in the love triangle suggests otherwise; it screams to me that it’s something she just had to have, regardless of whether it made narrative sense. She also literally blocks fans on Twitter who give her any kind of criticism. I don’t mean hate and vitriol, I mean criticism. She complains about how she, a public figure, a showrunner with a show that has millions of viewers, wants to log in to twitter and only see positive things and have fun interactions with friends. And I get it, criticism can be exhausting. But her job is literally to bring viewers to the CW. It is to tell a good story, and, if she wants to be as woke and progressive as she insists she is, it is to listen to different people - including fans. If she wants to shoot the shit with friends on Twitter, maybe she should get a private account. But I personally believe that she can’t use queer and marginalized characters to work out her own trauma, with no understanding of those people’s experiences, and then demand that people only ever praise her for it. It reminds me of the debate about criticism in fic comments, actually: some fic writers don’t want any negative comments. Which is fine if you’re writing fic for fun. Carina’s a professional writer with a TV show, who is getting paid. Insulating herself from literally any and all objections from the audience she’s writing for is, in my opinion, stupid, and also incredibly self-centered if she’s writing about people who’s experiences she doesn’t share. 

Honorable mentions, probably not worth getting into: 

She has like, a really creepy crush on Michael Vlamis, and even though she’s technically his boss, she’s constantly basically...thirsting over him on Twitter and Instagram in very uncomfortable ways

Max’s little speech to Michael in 1x11 about how he felt “everything,” every part of the abuse Michael suffered, and how guilty he felt about it, was just absolutely horrifying and tone deaf. Max, a character with great privilege, basically making all of Michael’s abuse about himself and how guilty it made him feel and acting like he can in any way share or understand Michael’s experience was just in every way gross, but clearly intended to make Max ~compelling~ and get the brothers to start talking and become closer and it just again shows a complete misunderstanding of the experiences of people less fortunate than her. 

Which, in short, all means that I have absolutely zero faith in Season 2. I’m not in the least bit excited for it. I think she’ll completely let us down, and I expect a lot more of the same tone-deafness and lack of nuance in relation to complex issues and marginalized characters. I think she’ll put us through the wringer, emotionally, for the sake of writing angst rather than telling a good story. 

Anyway, hope that answered your question, anon. 

[alexeishostakoff]

What are your top 10 DC characters & why? Maybe favorite fcs/hcs for them too?

ok so! i did this in alphabetical order bc i just can't do them as favorites from one to ten

bruce wayne, aka the batman

why: im gonna be real with you, i ignore 95% of his canon bc my bruce isn't as much as a dick, go away. he's a really interesting, complicated character, and i like writing about his trauma and the different ways he copes with it bc they're all so fucked up. so fucked up. man needs a therapist

fc: david castañeda

hc: he's bi, but not out to Anyone At All bc it took him a long time to come to terms with it and it's very personal to him

bonus! what verse: comics

dinah lance, aka the black canary

why: i want to BE her. she's a badass with a big heart and honestly deserves the entire world. also im generally a fan of strong women who are soft and kind but also take no shit from anyone ever and WILL fuck you up if you mess with their family

fc: jurnee smollett-bell (im really excited to see her take on dinah!)

hc: she's in love w barbara gordon & also mentored stephanie brown you CANNOT take this from me

bonus! what verse: COMICS

donna troy, aka troia

why: im weak for strong women! she's interesting to me bc she's like diana but she doesn't seem to be as untouchable or perfect yknow? she's amazing but still very human n i love that

fc: madeleine madden, laura harrier, conor leslie

hc: diana was always a lovely, supportive mom/sister/whatever relationship they have in dcs current continuity (THEY NEED TO MAKE UP THEIR FUCKING MINDS), but sometimes donna struggles with living up to someone who was just so fucking perfect all the time, which is part of why she quit being wonder girl

bonus! what verse: the titans tv show,,ik it's incredibly edgy but i love it ok. ive also been looking into her comics

hank hall, aka hawk

why: look i. really did not like him at first and then we got to 'hank and dawn' and s2 and jesus CHRIST. JESUS CHRIST. his trauma is very compellingly written and he's like, a white man but with depth?? DEPTH????? his heart is in the right place and he's been through a lot and i love him

fc: alan ritchson

hc: he's been hit so hard so many times that he's starting to reach the point where he physically can't be a vigilante anymore

bonus! what verse: the titans tv show

harvey dent, aka two-face

why: he's actually got, like, a genuinely interesting backstory when it's written properly. and the idea of gotham's savior, "apollo," the perfect, beautiful, good guy becoming a villain is just. poetic cinema. i adore it. @dc hire me to write a two-face movie hes the only male batman rogue i want to see one for. riddler u can stay but you're on thin fucking ice

fc: riz ahmed, austin stowell (specifically his look as larry king in battle of the sexes)

hc: him and bruce are in love and it was soft and then sad and then sadder. it's practically canon leave me alone

bonus! what verse: comics

john constantine, occasionally aka the hellblazer

why: bastard man!!!! bastard!!!!! he's not your typical comics protagonist, & he's an antihero without just being like, a broody murderous dick? hes reflective and self centered but also like. funny. and relatable. and interesting. he fucks up and fails a lot and it's okay. he's the comics representation of the everyman and relies on his wits more than his power and his og comics are SO fucked up and have a lot of political commentary and i Love Them. also hes been canonically bi since the 90s so that's a bonus

fc: riz ahmed (listen,,,), matt ryan

hc: he lets people lie to him too often. he lets them say "i'll be okay, i know what i'm getting into," lets them love him even when he knows he shouldn't. he wants to love & be loved so badly that he always tricks himself into thinking that maybe this time it'll be different, maybe this time it'll end okay. it never does.

bonus! what verse: comics & legends of tomorrow & the constantine tv show

kendra saunders, aka hawkgirl

why: in season one she was very much like, seen as the storybook princess who was so perfect and sweet and needed to be saved, but then she said 'i can handle myself' and slayed her OWN dragon and goddammit it was beautiful

fc: ciara renee

hc: there are some days where she cannot get the feeling of vandal savage off of her skin and she scrubs her arms raw but she just feels his hands and it's a living nightmare for her

bonus! what verse: legends of tomorrow

leonard snart, aka captain cold

why: he's very cold and ruthless and calculating but he'd do anything for his sister and his friends and he cannot live with the thought of anyone controlling him. he makes his own fate, he has to, he has to be able to be more than what he was made to be. he became one of the good guys while still retaining his character and ice and danger and he is also Hilariously snarky at all times

fc: wentworth miller

hc: he's not dead he's just trapped in the time stream seeing thousands of possible futures for all of the people he cares about and not able to do anything about it and it it his own personal hell

bonus! what verse: cw's dctv, but i've been looking into his comics too

stephanie brown, aka the spoiler

why: god. GOD. steph refuses to let anyone define her or stop her from reaching her goals and she has been through so much and stays bright and kind as an act of defiance and she is so quiet and so strong that sometimes you can forget she is hurting but the shit she's been through has given her a steel core and god she just shines, she's so perfect

fc: sydney park

hc: im not sure if this is actually canon or just a frequently used hc but she's a pre-med student

bonus! what verse: comics

zari tomaz

why: snarky hacker babe!! she's been through a lot and isn't afraid to let herself be hurting and angry but at the same time she's so so good and has a kind heart and she's usually the voice of reason and im gay for her

fc: tala ashe

hc: she's a lesbian and still in love with amaya

bonus! what verse: legends of tomorrow