#hmm the fear of being perceived is real today

[justatinycollector]

Thank you for the tag, @wyrd-syster!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Five! I'm a newbie.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

A humble 35,362.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I've only uploaded for The Rings of Power. A very, very, VERY long time ago, I started one crossover work between two other fandoms.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

#1: "swimming in the shallows"

#2: "if you're gonna play the game, you've got to learn to play it right"

#3: "crimson headache, aching blush"

#4: "exit light, enter night"

#5: "we could just kiss, like real people do"

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Try as I might, I can't seem to stop replying to virtually every comment I receive. It's a problem. I just...get so flattered that I want to thank people for spending any second of time reading words I strung together.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Angstiest? That's a tough call, considering the route my stories usually take. I'll say "exit light, enter night" because that one is by far the darkest.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I haven't written much with what you'd call a happy ending so far - my uploaded works tend to be on the darker side. But I'd say the happiest one would be "if you're gonna play the game, you've got to learn to play it right".

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've been fortunate enough to not receive any hateful comments on my work so far.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes! Not well, but yes. I usually write it with some darker elements thrown in. My beloved @thecoziestbean has told me that my smut perpetually leaves her in the following state:

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

My one and only (unfinished) crossover from LONG ago was a crossover. I am far too embarrassed to reveal what both fandoms were but...it was bad.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I have not. I think the AUs I write are either so specific that it's hard to lift detail or so general that I can't claim the details within them.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have not!

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

No, but I have plans to co-write one with the lovely @bad-surprise.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Oh this is TOUGH. Not including Haladriel because it seems like a copout. I...really loved Dean/Lisa from Supernatural. Me and my doomed ships, I suppose.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

"crimson headache, aching blush" is one that I get so excited about but can't seem to nail down. The other one would be the musician AU that will most likely never see the light of day in full, though I have posted it in some promptfills on Twitter.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Sometimes, when I hone in on the right details, I can make those details come to life in a fairly compelling way. I also have been told that I can create an atmosphere of dread fairly well.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

There are so many I could name. I cannot, for the life of me, keep a concept alive for more than one chapter, so I've confined myself to one-shots. I linger too much on the wrong details frequently. My paragraphs aren't long enough; I separate my dialogue and supporting sentences too much. I reuse phrases and details and motifs like my work is my recycling bin. My dialogue is...boring? I think my work is fairly bland. I could go on.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Speaking just for my own writing, I'm not fluent in any other languages and therefore don't feel comfortable writing in a language other than English. In other works, I very much enjoy seeing other languages represented. I just don't feel that I currently have the ability to use other languages well in my own work. I hope that changes soon!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Okay, OKAY. I'll reveal ONE of the above fandoms. It was the Jumper fandom (originally a novel written by Stephen Gould, adapted into a 2008 film starring Hayden Christensen). You won't catch me dead revealing the other one, though.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

It's a tie between "swimming in the shallows" and "exit light, enter night". "swimming" is my first fic, and by far my best. Nothing I write ever seems to top it. It sings in all the right spots and just...works. "exit light" is not loved widely, but it is loved deeply, especially by me. I am so proud of it, of the ways that the translation from the original video game to a Haladriel AU worked so well and of the few, small details I was able to add that make it mine.

tagging @alicuntisms @bad-surprise @thecoziestbean @formerlyir @mostlydriedmango @sawdustandstardust @pursuitseternal and anyone else who wants to play! Please, understand how much I love reading these from every single author.

[cosmos-dot-semicolon]

1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21 for the aro ask game

Enjoy the fibonacci sequence 💚

(If you think that's a lot of questions, I was originally gonna do all the prime numbers, but that was actually half the list)

(aromantic ask game)

hehehe. putting maths in an ask is a sure-fire way to get me to answer questions.

time to finally do some introspection after exams... hmm.

Where are you on the aro-spectrum?

I'm kinda hesitant on picking a label. I've pinged back and forth between identifying as someone attracted to girls (and possibly some nonbinary folk) and as someone who only feels strong platonic connections. honestly right now.idk.

Recently I've come to realise that my connections weren't really ideal as a kid, so my ideas of both romantic and platonic love were kinda. confusing. So I'm putting that on the back burner until I've had some time to think about it 😅

If anyone asks. I'd probably still round it down to 'aro' rather than 'grey-aro'. I have had a rate of about one crush per decade of my life, and I am uncertain if I would've called them that if I have the insight I do today. Also a few fictional characters but that's a whole new can of worms. I think that's very low relative to most people.

So. uh. technically grey? But statistically aro? I don't know. Identity is in beta testing mode (again 🙄)

(I've been certain I was ace since I learned the term, though. I've never looked at anybody in real life and thought I'd like to have sex with them, or even just liked them in that way. I'd be put off by just about anybody asking that of me too.)

When did you first realise you were aro-spec?

The first inkling I had was from a joint ace-aro post here, which had advice among the lines of 'most of your friends will not actually leave you once they're dating/married like in the movies. Maybe if you're a teen, but most normal adults won't.' That struck a chord with one of my inner fears and how I possibly saw my life going, but I didn't really take much more stock of it at the time.

Honestly. It was probably some of the posts you made that resonated the most with me recently. You commenting about the loveless community really made me sit back and be like 'oh shit wait. that's true. not all things that bring joy fall under that word. maybe I should rethink some things…'

In retrospect it probably should've been a bit more obvious given my lack of interest towards it for most of my life. Like I just don't feel the urge to do much related towards it at all. I thought it was fucking wild that my friends would bother dating in secondary school. I guess I'd always assumed I might try it later if I was interested. And then I kinda. wasn't.

Did you have a moment of “Wait, romantic attraction is real?”

I think I had it more towards sexual attraction instead in like "huh. okay. for real?? wild? cool i guess."

I do experience friendships and caring towards people I like quite strongly. I guess I kind of extrapolated other peoples' romantic feelings from that. And thought nothing else of it.

There weren't many ace/aro gender/attraction minority people at my secondary school so I hung out with a lot of bi/pan folks instead. They were really cool, caring people, so I never really doubted this was a thing for them.

Are you romance-positive, romance-repulsed, or indifferent?

I don't think I'm repulsed by it. I was definitely romance-positive in the past. It's one of those things I'd be open to try with particular people I'm close to

At least in theory. I have no experience in this lol. i'll get back to this post someday if that ever happens.

What other identities are you, if any?

Ace! I figured that one out at like 13 from when I first saw the word, lol.

Nonbinary. I figured that out the moment I realised I fucking hated being perceived as my assigned gender as an adult.

I used to identify as bi, then sapphic when it came to romance. This is currently being put on hold until I can figure out how to live life in a not soul-draining way again.

Do you have an aro ring? Do you want one?

I was not aware this was a thing until this ask! Hmm. I already have a stim ring on my left pointer finger for fidget purposes. At least right now I'd have to say no just for sensory purposes (too close to the ring I already have).

How many aro-specs do you know IRL?

Hmm. I don't like how low the number is, but one. They're quite open about it and I think they're extremely cool. They're my housemate :)

[girl4music]

BUFFY REWATCH - S04E12 - A New Man

Buffy: “I like pancakes 'cause they're stackable. Ooo, and waffles 'cause you can put things in the little holes if you wanted to.”

Willow: “You should always have a new boyfriend. You're so much fun right now.” 

Buffy: “Hey. I didn't hear you come in last night. Where were you?” 

Willow: “The chem lab, by myself. I-I was trying this new spell; floating a rose, when all of a sudden 

*motions with fork* 

zing, zing, zing! Like all over the room. It was like a rose-based missile.”

Buffy: “Yikes.”

Willow: “I know. I think there's something out there. I-I felt this presence... This dark Magicks energy blocking the spell. It's new.”

Buffy: “Someone else doing Magicks?”

Willow: “Maybe. If so, it's someone pretty powerful.”

Buffy: “Hmm. I'll tell Giles about it. Or maybe I'll tell Maggie. She seemed kind of interested in learning the mystical side of the whole demon hunting biz.”

Willow: “Tell Giles. He's feeling a little hurt right now. How come you never told him about Riley being a Commando?”

Buffy: “I did. 

*Willow shakes her head* 

I didn't?” 

Willow: “He says no. He's feeling neglected and out-of-the-loopy.”

Buffy: Well, I didn't at first because Riley said not to. And... and then ‘meow’ cat-out-of-the-bag, and I-I guess I just forgot that he didn't know. I'll make it up to him when I see him. Tomorrow. I'm spending today with Riley.”

So there’s 2 parts to this conversation that are important to talk about regarding withholding of information that are in juxtaposition to illustrate the differences in the character arcs between Buffy and Willow at this point in the show. 

Firstly, Willow’s withholding of information about her relationship with Tara from Buffy - of which she doesn’t know/hasn’t decided the nature of yet. 

Willow straight up lies to Buffy about where she had been the previous night. She tells her that she was in the chem lab trying out a new spell by herself when she was actually in Tara’s bedroom with Tara performing the new spell. So she’s not withholding information about her doing magic and what happened when she performed the new spell. She’s only withholding information about where she was doing it and who she was doing it with. She’s withholding Tara from the conversation entirely. If she believed the nature of her relationship with Tara was only just friendship at this point in time - why would she do this?

Secondly, Buffy’s withholding of information about Riley being a Commando from Giles - of which Willow asks Buffy why she did this.

Buffy just explains that it’s because Riley told her not to why she never told Giles about him being a secret agent military Commando. But then when Willow and Xander told Giles themselves and therefore it didn’t matter about Buffy keeping the secret anymore, she just says she forgot to mention it to him. Which is a very different reason for withholding information compared to Willow. The forgetfulness presumably because she was too caught up in Riley to care what Giles does and doesn’t know - but mainly the point about keeping a secret at the request of Riley. In other words - Buffy doesn’t want to overstep her boundaries. It’s a new and exciting relationship with Riley. One she hasn’t had yet. Normal. She doesn’t want anything to change the trajectory of it because she’s loving it and she has no real problem with showing it or sharing it with the Scooby Gang.

Willow’s withholding of information of Tara and specifically where she is with Tara is purposeful. She wants to hide the relationship between them - not just Tara herself. Although she doesn’t know or hasn’t decided what the nature of that relationship with Tara is yet, she seems to already perceive it romantically and this is evident in the way she just completely lies to Buffy about where she was the previous night (the chem lab) and specifically says ‘by myself’ when she didn’t even need to mention the latter part at all. Buffy would have just assumed she was by herself anyway because she doesn’t do spells with anyone other than the rest of the Scooby Gang - of which Willow would have no problem sharing if that were the case. So there’s a lot to consider in just this discussion that really showcases where these characters are at this point in the show.

Willow’s repression of her sexuality is now added on to her repression of her identity. It’s another piece to the puzzle of Willow. Her true nature has come forth and it is being revealed to the audience watching bit by bit. Both who she really is and what she’s so afraid of her friends finding out for the reason of the same insecurities as she’s always had - the fear of not being worthy - either as a friend, as a romantic partner or even just as a useful member to the Scoobies. The reason why she doesn’t introduce, or even share any details about, Tara to Buffy in this scene - and in other scenes further along in the season - is fear. To some watchers, that might be obvious. To others, it won’t be. It depends on who is watching. I picked it up almost immediately because I’ve had the same fears. 

[alovevigilante]

I just made a massive realization just now. It frequently happens when I do mundane things. I was putting away the laundry, angry, listening to rage against the machine when I sat down and realized that I am pissed because I keep looking at the same experiences, and people over and over, wanting them to change. And I am frustrated, because there is no change. And now I can see, why the rage guys, are raging. Because I’m pretty sure, that they, are also remembering their shit times, and getting pissed too.

I don’t want to be mad anymore. I’m 46, and I have a rage alright.... a raging headache, from my decision to reactivate the old energy of my past that makes my head explode. I am choosing, rage. Now look, the band, Rage against the machine, although I’m sorry I don’t know any of their names, is one of my favorites. Their music makes me feel, deeply. I want to go out and yes, throat punch a lot of people. And yes, I didn’t make that term up. I heard it, from a woman named Amanda, who now hates me, because I was pissed at her for not being empathetic to me in my time of feeling sorry for myself. So fuck everyone.

That, has been my life over the last year or 5. I have systematically alienated most everyone out of my existence, because I felt unvalued. Well, now my family somehow reads my posts. They have figured out where I am online, because I have told them, and some, I have not shared, because I surmise their reaction will not be one that I would most likely appreciate so much, cause sometimes I’m blunt, I swear, sometimes I talk about sex, my feelings, and people’s body parts. So now, I have done it. Family, most likely disapproving, and not into me, cause “no” on most counts. Friends, little to none if any at all, and me, rage against everyone. Oh, and I think someone has hacked my phone, and now I feel gaslighted and insane. All of this, inside my lil ole noggin. I need Advil.

So, that all said, and it was quite a load of shit to swallow... that was a gross analogy, but apropos, cause shit thoughts and feelings and occurrences, when that is how you feel, what’s a gal to do? Well, I’m sitting here, with my brain melting out of my ear, sad, lonely, and angry, because of the thoughts I think, and those thoughts feed my mood, and how I act toward people. Sigh. Ok. So here I am, with all these ass feels because of my ass thoughts because of my ass beliefs because of maybe some either truthful or made up scenarios. Let’s figure out how to go from here, to slightly better. Hmmmmm. Ok. Well, hmm. Give me a minute, cause I have recreated quite the ass scenario thinking all that crazy crap, causing the momentum of ass, to accumulate rapidly. Ok... but I like the word, scenario, cause that’s all it is, since they are all past memories, and not real time anymore unless I reactivate them. And I love the song, “scenario” by, “A tribe called quest” cause it’s a killer song, and it holds up over time. I like to sing to what lyrics I can remember, and dance.

Now I have a choice; I can go down this path of thought, or the one where when this song came out I was in high school and I hated my high school experience... I chooooooose, the loving the song! Yes! Love all the rappers, and yes, fun hip hop music! Love it, fun to dance to. Ok. Do you get me now? I’m choosing to think better thoughts. I am choosing, my mood, & as I decide, I feel accordingly.

Ok, so, now I’m back on fun music. Cool. A tribe called quest... quest for fire, a crazy ass movie with Ron pearlman and Rae dong chong. They were cavemen and women, and there was no talking in this movie. They were cool! And Rae dong, nudie. She was very brave. They all did a great job. Ok... so I’m back in the prehistoric age, where there was no language and people were kinda homosapien esque not really, but they were evolving at a fast rate, and fire, was the most valuable thing to them.

Fire, is a basic element that helped humanity become what it is today. Social groups, developed around camp fires. Stories were told, and feelings were shared. A commonality was created, and bonds were formed. We are all humans. We are all, in need of bonds, and one another. And the further away I get from humanity inside my head, the sadder I become. Love, is what we all crave. Love, is what we all share in many different ways. Falling away from love, isn’t the answer. Expecting it from others, isn’t either. Finding the love from within yourself, is.

I’ve been mad, because I’m not loving myself. I’m not valuing, me. I’m not treating myself kindly. My self talk, is all about how I’ve been shunned by humanity. Finding the love on the outside, starts from the inside first. Being able to recognize the love on the outside only happens when you’re familiar with the feel of it, on the inside. So, I think I’m gonna go take some Advil, and try that for a start. Focusing on where love is, instead of where it’s perceived as lacking, is the first step to better. On the plus side, I made some chicken and broccoli, with rice, and it smells delicious, so there’s that. 🙈🤷‍♀️🤣 #loveyourselffirst. ❤️

Appendices: laughter, as the old adage goes, is always the best medicine... even it’s at yourself, and it’s done with love. At least mine is... like my chicken and broccoli! 🍗🥦🥸😉❤️

Appendices 2: a lot of this stuff, you make up in your head, due to fear. My family is really cool, and kind. And I love them a lot. ❤️💪

[whatyouandihave-makesmefree]

OTP Tag Game!

Thanks to @dancewithyoutoday for tagging me, this was really fun! <3 I've actually struggled a lot to come up with 10 ships, I think that starting from the third down they are not really in a real ranking, tho haha

1. Ian x Mickey (Shameless)

2. Brian x Justin (Queer As Folk)

3. Bill x Virginia (Masters of Sex)

4. June x Nick (The Handmaid's Tale)

5. Alyssa x James (The End of the F***ing World)

6. Pacey x Joey (Dawson's Creek)

7. Chuck x Sarah (Chuck)

8. Seth x Summer (The O.C.)

9. Jonathan x Nancy (Stranger Things)

10. Jane x Lisbon (The Mentalist)

1. Do you remember the episode/scene/chapter that you first started shipping 6?

Well, I honestly don't because I was 8-9 years old lol. I guess it was s3e12, where Joey is sleeping on the couch in front of a fireplace and Pacey just stops to watch her sleeping.

2. Have you ever read a fanfic about 2?

Hmm no, I haven't but… never say never!

3. Has a picture of 4 ever been your screen saver/profile picture/tumblr screen saver?

Hmm, I'm gonna have to say no to this one too.

4. If 7 were to suddenly break up today, what would your reaction be?

Well, this one hits a nerve, because they got back together right at the end of the series finale and it wasn't exactly as I expected... I can say with certainty that I would survive because I've had to deal with worse things than that (for example, Sarah completely forgetting that she was in love with Chuck since she lost her memory because of the Intersect, therefore breaking up with him because she couldn't feel anything, maybe ?!)

5. Why is 1 so important?

O-Kay. I think they are the ones who most of all taught me that in life it's not always all sunshine and rainbows, but if you have someone to share the joys and sorrows with, your fears, your desires, and who loves you and really accepts you for who you are, then you can't fear anything. Also because I've always loved them, even when I thought it was all over, I never really believed it. I think it was love at first sight with them, and it is mainly because of the incredible interpretation of Noel and Cam and their chemistry on screen that I completely fell in love with them, first individually as characters and then together as a couple. Plus, the thrills they give me… they make me feel something that I do not feel with any other ship, maybe only Brian and Justin can get close.

6. Is 9 a funny ship or a serious ship?

I don't remember there are many funny moments between them, I think they are more of a serious ship.

7. Out of all the ships listed, which ship has the most chemistry?

Definitely Ian and Mickey. They are perfect together. They are able to make you feel the same emotions they feel in that exact moment. As I write this I'm thinking about the kiss at the dock and for me that's the moment in which you perceive the true passion, the one that consumes the soul. They're the only ones who made me feel so much reality in the truest fiction.

8. Out of all your ships listed, which ship has the strongest bond?

HA. I seriously sound repetitive but, of course Ian and Mickey. They basically survived everything, prison, shitty fathers who wanted to kill them for being gay, stepsisters who wanted to ruin them just for revenge, diseases, consequences of the same diseases, prison (again?), goodbyes at the border of Mexico, other 'boyfriends', prison (yep, again.) and general misunderstandings. I mean, if they do not have the strongest bond...

9. How many times have you read/watched the 10’s fandom?

I watched it just once, but I rewatched their scenes many times in the past (if I've understood the question...?)

10. Which ship has lasted the longest?

Hmm, I don't know... Brian and Justin, maybe? Because they've been kind of together all the time, except for Justin's hateful time with Ethan, which luckily for us lasted relatively short.

11. How many times, if ever, has 6 broken up?

I'm not 100% sure, but from what I remember at least twice. The first time when Dawson found out about them, and the second one at the prom because of Pacey’s lack of self-confidence, he truly believed he was not good enough for her.

12. If the world was suddenly thrust into a zombie apocalypse, which ship would make it out alive, 2 or 8?

I have to go for Brian and Justin because I think they can do anything together, even surviving a zombie apocalypse.

13. Did 7 ever have to hide their relationship for any reason?

Yes, for a while. Sarah is a CIA agent whose mission is to protect Chuck, and for this reason she can't be sentimentally involved. Of course she seems to forget this little detail over time lmao

Ahhh, good 'ol times.

14. Is 4 still together?

Not at the moment. Unfortunately, they never had full freedom to be together, they had to do it secretly.

15. Is 10 canon?

YEES!

16. If all 10 ships were put into a couple’s Hunger Games, which couple would win?

Okay, this is reeally hard. Unfortunately, I don't have a clue about what Hunger Game is. But if I have to choose one at random I would say Nancy and Jonathan.

17. Has anybody ever tried to sabotage 5’s ship?

Sabotage? Well, kinda. Let's just say she tried to kill them. There was this girl, Bonnie who wants to take revenge on her boyfriend who died because of them (although she does not know that they killed him only in self-defense).

18. Which ship would you defend to the death and beyond?

Ian and Mickey, without any doubt. (For all the reasons mentioned above.)

19. Do you spend hours a day going through 3’s tumblr page?

I used to, very much. Unfortunately, since the show was canceled, there aren't a lot of active pages about them.

20. If an evil witch descended from the sky and told you that you had to pick one of the ten ships to break up forever or else she’d break them all forever, which ship would you sink?

Sorry, Jisbon. I have to abandon the ship!

Thank you again, I really enjoyed it! :D 

I’m tagging @himick, @isomymickey, @sickness-health-all-that-shit, @littlespooneven, @thisfeebleheart, @definitely-not-here, @gallavich-and-millagher, @you-me-us-family, I apologize if you already did it! ;)

[pynches]

risk it all (for you) ch1

summary: when adam and ronan try to protect the only openly gay kid at aglionby, they find themselves in a fake relationship they need to keep up

word count: 1503

tw: homophobic slurs by an original character, very mild violence

ao3

For a split second, Adam wondered if there would ever be a day that Ronan didn’t fight somebody. If there ever would be, then today is definitely not that day. 
As Adam ran closer, he could make out Ronan’s tense form, hauling a startled Preston Windsor by the shirt and slamming him against the nearby wall. A sickening crack sounded, that Adam recognised as a broken bone and watched him crumple to the ground.

“What the fuck, Lynch?”

Normally Adam wasn’t one to intervene, that was Gansey’s job, but Gansey was busy doing his presidential stuff and Ronan was one fight away from expulsion.

Ronan’s fist, already halfway raised, stopped in mid-air. He didn’t pull back but it was already more than Adam expected. When Ronan got into a fight, it was almost impossible to pull Ronan back. He often looked like a man possessed, only sated when it was sure he had won. It never scared Adam, though. Ronan wouldn’t hurt him, which was why he felt confident enough to step closer and touch Ronan's shoulder.

“Is this really necessary?” Adam asked.

“He nearly beat him up,” Ronan said with a sneer, still not taking his eyes off Preston who was bleeding heavily from his nose, down on his pristine white shirt.

‘Him’, in this case, was Theodore Montgomery, who was looking back and forth between the boys as if he was unsure whether he should run or stay. Theodore was also known as the only openly gay kid in Aglionby. With money came a lot of prejudice from the others, apparently. He didn’t have it easy in Aglionby, Adam remembered. He was often pushed into lockers, sneered or laughed at in the hallways, but nothing quite this bad had happened to him. His right eye was already starting to look blue and he stood with a slight slouch to favour his left leg. Adam felt a sudden rush of heat, blind, hot anger that someone would do this. He couldn’t even think about what Ronan must feel right now.

They never talked about it. Ronan probably being not as heterosexual as people might perceive him to be. Adam caught the looks he gave him sometimes, but he wasn’t ready yet to figure out what they meant and what they meant to him. It was easier to ignore them, making his homework instead of looking back at Ronan lounging on the floor next to his bed with headphones on and a curious glance in his eyes. It was easier to work until he was bone-tired and didn’t have to think about anything anymore.

Adam understood the anger, the pain Ronan must feel to see someone getting beat up for who they are. For who he is himself. However, Gansey will murder him if he didn’t stop him from getting kicked out of school.

“Why are you defending him anyway, Lynch?” Preston asked with a condescending smirk grazing his beat up face. “Are you a faggot yourself?”

“So what if I am?”

Adam froze and watched Ronan do the same. It hadn’t meant to slip out, but Ronan didn’t back down, just kept glaring at the homophobic shit with cold eyes.

Preston actually began to laugh, not one bit of self-preservation in his body. “I knew you and Gansey were fucking.” 
Ronan only glared harder. “Leave Gansey out of this, asshole. He has nothing to do with it,” he spoke through gritted teeth. Adam was momentarily taken back to Kavinsky calling Ronan Gansey’s guard dog.

“Hmm, then who-“

“Me.”

All three of the boys turned to look at Adam. Theodore, looking shocked but pleased, Preston’s smirking unpleasantly as if he had already thought about multiple ways to make Adam’s life miserable for this fake confession alone. 
Adam could barely look at Ronan. 
When he quickly glanced over, disbelief and shock pulled at his features and his eyes were unreadable when he stared at Adam.

“Got something against that, fuckface?” Ronan sneered, quickly pulling his eyes from Adam’s and pushing Preston against the wall again. There was even more power in his hold, his face twisting in something fierce, something that earned him the nickname “the snake”.

“Nope, none,” Preston quickly said, his eyes darting everywhere to look for an escape. Everything to prevent his face from getting ruined even more than it already had.

“Good, now I suggest you apologise.”

“Sorry, Ronan.”

“Not to me, asshole,” Ronan said, exasperation clear in his voice. He nodded his head to Theodore who watched it all unfold. “To him.”

“I’m sorry, Theodore,” Preston said, getting slammed against the wall once again. “It won’t happen again.”

Ronan dropped him like a piece of garbage and Preston rushed away, obviously aiming for his shiny car to get the fuck out of dodge. Theodore stared after him and gave Ronan a slight smile, sad but hopeful.

“Thank you,” Theodore said. “I don’t want to imagine what happened if you hadn’t come between them.”

Ronan just nodded, looking like his mind drifted away from the situation already.

“For what it’s worth, I think you two make a cute couple.” This startled Ronan back to earth and watched with his mouth slightly open as Theodore walked away and gave a small wave when he did.

“Wanna tell me what the fuck that was all about, Parrish?”

Ronan didn’t look mad, confused more than anything. Still, Adam was apprehensive to say, “I don’t know, Ronan. I just said it without thinking” because what would that mean? He said it easily, no doubt filtering his mind from speaking the word out loud and now they were in some deep shit.

“I don’t know,” Adam decided on. It wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t the whole truth either.

“We’re in some deep shit now.”

-

By the end of the day, the news had spread all over Aglionby, though nobody dared ask in fear of Ronan Lynch and his sharp smile. Adam tried not to let it get to him but he knew that they needed to talk about it. Should they let people talk? Should they say it was a joke?

When Theodore rushed over to them in the parking lot, telling them that nobody had picked on him since the rumour about them spread, Ronan and Adam both instantly decided they had to keep this up.

“We need some ground rules,” Adam said, grabbing a notebook from his flimsy desk at St. Agnes. “And a backup story.”

Ronan threw himself back on Adam’s bed with a sigh. “Why the fuck would we do that, Parrish?” “Because, Lynch,” Adam responded, rubbing his forehead to get rid of the giant headache Ronan was giving him. “This needs to be realistic. We need to have the details ready on how we got together and we need to decide on how far we let this go.”

“We got together because we have been friends for a well over a year,” Ronan said, putting a finger in the air to start his imaginary list. “I asked you out, and don’t argue with me on this.”

Adam snapped his mouth shut, arms folding over each other to emphasise the glare directed towards Ronan.

“And I don’t give a shit about how far this goes.”

“So, you wouldn’t mind kissing me?” Adam asked, one eyebrow raised. He watched in amusement as Ronan flailed and nearly fell off the bed, his face red like he was sunburnt.

“I-you-why the fuck would that be necessary?”

“It needs to be believable!” Adam argued back. “Couples kiss, Ronan.”

“Well, we don’t.” Ronan decided. He would lie if he didn’t want to kiss Adam but this was too risky. He held his feelings contained in a locked box inside his heart that even he didn’t dare open and if this started, if they actually kissed, the box would open and all the contents would pour out. Ronan wasn’t ready for those consequences.

“I’ll add it to the list,” Adam sighed, writing down a big "NO KISSING" on the blank page. “What about hand-holding?”

Ronan’s mouth pulled down for a second but he eventually nodded.

After spending an hour bickering back and forth they came up with a plausible story. They had gone out for a drive, stopped by the side of the road to look at the stars, “we have a real Don Juan in our midst” “I’m surprised you even know who that is considering you skipped English for months”, made out, confessed feelings, and that was it.

“Do we tell Gansey?” Adam had asked and they decided on yes. Gansey probably heard the rumours already, being the most popular boy at Aglionby, and could actually help cover them when needed.

It wasn’t a perfect plan and something was definitely bound to go wrong. But they felt like it was the right thing to do, whether it was for Theodore of them, they weren’t sure. They just hoped they would survive tomorrow without being caught faking it. But, honestly, how hard could it be?

[theorynexus]

The 30th One: In Which ROMANCE Is Discussed

That is an interesting effect that I have not heard of happening in real life~

This is definitely a conversation that I thought they’d have had before, but I guess those three just like repeating stuff, based on what’s been said before. I am not opposed to some useful exposition to the audience about things that we have missed for the sake of also demonstrating that Jade is constantly pushing for the development of their romance, which had been said but not shown, earlier~

And yet trolls have been talking about this with humans nearly as far back as their formal reveal (I don’t want to pinpoint the exact moment it began, considering all the skipping around from different temporal perspectives that was going around at the time), and humans in real life have been discussing troll romance+using it as a way to discuss romance in other series/franchises from nearly the point it was properly explained. Be a big boy, Karkat, and don’t treat these guys as if they don’t already know possibly far too much about the topic. (Not to mention the fact that I’m sure that you know that they know about it, you derp head!)

I do quite appreciate the idea of them being special enough to each other that it goes beyond the norms and/or labels of traditional romance in either culture, considering the lore relating to the Ancestor Trolls (particularly the Signless, and his own suppose matesprit). Karkat being Dave’s Karkat, and Dave being Karkat’s Dave sort of works toward that logic being fulfilled. On the other hand, I feel somewhat conflicted insofar as this could suggest that Dave still has a bit in the way of hangups concerning perceived “homosexual behavior,” which I thought that he had gotten over by this point. As such, this could be interpreted as character regression.   I, personally, think that it seems pretty natural: while a character might have epiphanies, sometimes it is hard to put what one mentally realizes at one point into practice, and therefor to so cement it in one’s mind and being. It’s also quite rational if one or both of them feared potentially hurting their relationship by pushing things too far.  Most importantly, though: they don’t have to push things into a more physical direction if they don’t have to. Relationships between loving and consenting individuals don’t necessarily have to be restricted/oriented to societal norms/expectations. If they are fine with bonding in other ways, then that is fine. Jade does not necessarily overstep by bringing up these sorts of questions, though, especially considering what she’s feeling, and how things are between them. It makes a great deal of sense for someone in her situation to question and see if things can be properly laid out/codified/disambiguated. 

I do like that Karkat brings that line of thought up. Also, I would just like to say: friendship does not necessarily need to stop at the borders of romance. Romantic partners, optimally, should have been friends to begin with, and that friendship should continue after the beginning of a relationship that extends into romantic territory. (On a related note: Before the scientific drives that humans began exhibiting in earnest around the mid 1800s took hold, friendships had a capacity to be much deeper than they often are today, as well, to the point that it was quite normal and even expected that a person would have a bond deeper than the one that would be shared with one’s sexual partner [read: husband/wife, in most circumstances, for having lovers outside of marriage was not anywhere near as accepted at the time, with the exception of kings/queens and perhaps the higher tiers of nobility-- because it pays to be powerful, I guess] with one or more of the dearest companions that one possessed. It is honestly sort of a shame that sexual drives and fulfilling them have become such a big part of modern culture. Honestly, that may detract from the formation of deeper and more fulfilling relationships.) Honestly, I really do understand Karkat’s frustration, here. He comes from a society where intimate relationships are not related to or restricted by gender/sex at all, so it remaining a bit confusing that the concept of “gay” keeps being brought up (even if it does not necessarily persist as something that is relevant on that planet; I am not certain: it’s left as ambiguous whether this is sortof a hang-up that Jade has, or if it continues to be used in society at large) is something to be expected.  I’m sure that part of the reason they are “Dave and Karkat” is as a sort of compromise. The two of them likely don’t want to have to deal with labeling what they are, in order to avoid the perceived weird interactions between human and troll notions of romance.

Oh, she was still wearing glasses. For some reason, “lenses” made me think of contact lenses. Must be a bit too early in the morning. 

Hey, you can have a whole lot of fun staying in. Regardless:  I guess I sortof understand what Jade means, there. She wanted to potentially experience what it might be like, even if she couldn’t get Karkat and Dave to make the dive with her. It makes it out like she was using the two chess people as stand-ins, which is rather cruel, honestly, but at the same time, I know that people who are desperate can potentially do things that otherwise might not seem too rational (such as pursuing a relationship outside of the one she really wants). It’s not too crazy, and I’m quite surprised that Karkat seems surprised by this. I guess maybe he convinced himself that that meant Jade had given up, for a while.

I do wonder if this is meant to suggest if Karkat is entirely uncomfortable with a polyamorous relationship (which could be a little weird to some extent, considering a troll being involved in one is honestly rather normal, though I guess it’s not necessarily super common, given the difficulties in balancing relationships that were associated with such an arrangement?), or if it’s just that he’s worried that Jade is a bit too flaky, and needs more experience being in a stable relationship before he’s comfortable “risking things” by including her. ... Oh, and Dave using flash step to dodge his wrist being grabbed was pretty hilarious.

I thought the expected limit was four. Hmm.  That said: accidentally, huh?  Heh. I wonder how much this is intended as continued flirtation on Jade’s part. I’m sure she understands the concepts of kismesisitude quite well enough to put that kind of effort/pressure into things (particularly under the lens that she seems to be interpreting the two of them as being flushed, rather than pale in relations, meaning that having a third person as a pitched partner could be considered optimal, assuming a set of three was all that was included, here).

A very valid question!   And also one that is very funny to see the reaction to.

***laughs hysterically***    (On a random note:  Dog hormones were previously mentioned as being a thing that she deals with.  This makes me question if she is in fact in heat right at the moment... which is a really weird thing to be bringing up in analysis of someone who at least used to be a human being, but, really, is made somewhat necessary here. I don’t even know how to begin properly guessing whether or not that’s the case, though, so I guess this is probably about where the inquiry must stop: wondering.)

This is an extremely strange and silly conversation. ***wonders if this is about to cause mention of the Sufferer, or if the obvious comparison and possible in-story inspiration for/with Jesus is going to be ignored***

***begins to laugh like Karkat, especially as a result of the Problem Sleuth reference***

[seigyokus]

10.4 - A Looming Threat

Idolish Seven - Part 3, Chapter 10.4 For more Part 3 translations, click here!

Translation below the cut!

Nanase Riku: ......All of this must be really hard on Ten-nii. He loves TRIGGER so much, and really treasures them after all. Nanase Riku: He was acting like everything was normal, but I bet it's taking a toll on him more than anyone else.... Izumi Mitsuki: Some people know what's going on. There's a couple of people commenting on how something's off about this whole ordeal online. Izumi Mitsuki: But why... Why are all these TV stations dragging TRIGGER when they're the ones who've seen them up close and in person? Rokuya Nagi: What an awful turn of events. Those who are truly interested in TRIGGER have been proactively reading up on them on their own. Rokuya Nagi: However, those who only know TRIGGER in passing will absorb whatever is given to them by the news. They'll end up with a biased understanding of TRIGGER. Izumi Iori: Companies cast for their shows based off of the public's perception of a group. Izumi Iori: At this rate, if TRIGGER's brand continues to be perceived negatively, it will also affect their state of being in this industry. Izumi Iori: Has President Yaotome taken that into consideration?

Yaotome Sousuke: ...Dammit! Every single goddamn one! They used to beg for TRIGGER to be on their shows! Yaotome Sousuke: ...Mister Shimooka's music show is right around the corner, and I know he sees TRIGGER in a positive light. If we can turn the tides with this.... Yaotome Sousuke: I'm counting on you, Gaku.... TRIGGER....

Mister Shimooka: And now for our next guest, TRIGGER! Kujou Ten: Thank you for having us. Tsunashi Ryuunosuke: We look forward to performing here today. Mister Shimooka: So, I heard you guys are unveiling your new single next week at the Tokyo International Festival of Music and Arts in Zero Arena. That's amazing! Yaotome Gaku: Thank you. A wide variety of musical genres will be presented at the festival, so we'd really like to focus our energies and get even better for this event. Mister Shimooka: What a manly answer! That's Yaotome-kun, for ya! I bet you're a real hit with the ladies. Must've gotten it from your father, huh? Yaotome Gaku: I-- ....... Nanase Riku: A nervous energy pulsed through the studio. Nanase Riku: Both Ten-nii and Tsunashi-san were frozen in place. Nanase Riku: Mister Shimooka-san had been so kind and welcoming to us all, but his insinuating words brought the scandal to the forefront. Nanase Riku: After all, Mister Shimooka-san was part of Tsukumo Productions.

Yaotome Sousuke: ....... This is outrageous.... Yaotome Sousuke: Everyone has cut Yaotome Productions and TRIGGER off, and now he has too.... Does this mean they've all sided with Tsukumo? Yaotome Sousuke: Cowards! The times have changed! Why can't they understand that!? The age of Tsukumo and Hoshikage was over long ago! Yaotome Sousuke: ....... It was supposed to be over....

Yaotome Gaku: I, uh.... Izumi Mitsuki: I dunno about Yaotome, but I take after my grandma! Izumi Mitsuki: We look so similar, that whenever I look at old photos I'm like, "Woah! That's me!" I hate to say this myself, but she was gorgeous!

Man: Damn, it was just getting good.... That dude is trying way too hard to stand out. Woman: Hmm? Man: That Izumi Mitsuki guy from IDOLiSH7 butted in right when Mister Shimooka was asking Yaotome a good question. Woman: Oh, yeah. Izumi Mitsuki just loves to talk.

TRIGGER Fan: Oh.... He deflected the question for him.... TRIGGER Fan: It's okay now, Gaku-san.... Thank you so much, Mitsuki-kun....

Mister Shimooka: ...Ahaha! Really, now! I know you're an adult, but you're so cute, Mitsuki-kun! What do ya think, Yaotome-kun? Yaotome Gaku: He's super cute. But he's kind of dad inside, y'know? Izumi Mitsuki: Hey, what do you mean by that! I've bet you've got some dad in ya too! Kujou Ten: I definitely see it. Yaotome Gaku: Haha, shut up! Mister Shimooka: Hahaha! Both of you are grown men, so I guess that's to be expected! I'm already an old man, so that explains why we get along! Nanase Riku: The atmosphere of the studio changed after Mitsuki interrupted the conversation. Nanase Riku: Mister Shimooka-san boomed with laughter, more so than usual. Perhaps in relief, perhaps in apology. Nanase Riku: The whole time, Yaotome-san's fist was clenched tightly where it rested upon his leg. Mister Shimooka: Get ready, TRIGGER! Kujou Ten: Yes, sir. Nanase Riku: Everyone's eyes followed their backs as the three of them made their way to the stage. Nanase Riku: Even under the cold gaze of the audience, Ten-nii, Yaotome-san, and Tsunashi-san turned to face them. Nanase Riku: The stage lights were so bright, I couldn't see what their expressions were. Nanase Riku: But the voices that rang through the venue belonged to TRIGGER-- as proud and powerful as we remembered. Nanase Riku: They were trying to pierce through and reach the future.

Mister Shimooka: And that was TRIGGER's "Last Dimension!" Now, up next we have.... Momo: Shimooka-chan.... Yuki: ...Shimooka-san has a family and many trainees under his care. TRIGGER understands that too.... Momo: Back when it was Yamato, they were up against Hoshikage.... That, and it was hard for anyone to bash them since they'd be going against a world-famous actor. Momo: But this time, it's Tsukumo Productions versus Yaotome Productions, which is below Tsukumo in power. Momo: On top of that, there was that whole ordeal where Yaotome Productions "stole" a famous singer from Tsukumo, despite owing a lot to them. Momo: Putting aside what's true or not, it's easy to fall victim to Ryou's psychological ploys. You can't help but think, "There's nothing else I can do." Yuki: I know there's people out there who are strongly against his ways. There has to be. Momo: They're definitely there. I'm in contact with all of them, and-- Re:vale's TV Show Producer: Great work today, guys.... Momo: Thank you! ...What's wrong? Re:vale's TV Show Producer: I might be jumping the gun a bit, but…. I just wanted to make my rounds and say goodbye to everyone. They’re transferring me to Kyushu, so I won’t be on the show's production staff anymore. Re:vale's TV Show Producer: I really loved working on this show, and I wish I could've stayed on for just a bit longer.... Once things calm down, you should call me over for baseball again sometime, Momo-chan. Momo: ....... Yuki: I'll talk to them about it. It's not right without you on the team. Re:vale's TV Show Producer: Those words are more than enough for me. Please do your best and give everyone a great time from here on out as well. Momo: Why is this happening.... I told you to trash talk me to those people, didn’t I…? Re:vale's TV Show Producer: Ahaha, there's no way I could do that. I could never talk badly about you, Momo-chan. Re:vale's TV Show Producer: TRIGGER hasn't done anything wrong either. No other talents in this industry take their jobs as seriously as those three. They passionately, earnestly, and truly love their fans and their work. Re:vale's TV Show Producer: They did their best to make things as easy as possible for the staff the one time they guested on our show. It was a really, really great episode. Remember that? Momo: ....... *sniff* .... Re:vale's TV Show Producer: I want to make good shows. And I won't lie, even if it’ll further my cause. I…. I couldn't lie. I knew what would happen, so don't cry. Momo: ...I'll bring you back to Tokyo. I swear. Until then, I'll keep on standing here-- even if I have to eat dirt. I promise.... Yuki: If you ever run into trouble, don't hesitate to reach out to us. Re:vale will always have your back. Re:vale's TV Show Producer: Yeah.... Thank you. I'm really proud I was able to work with you two, Re:vale. ...Fight on, Momo-chan, Yuki-kun. door closes Yuki: Momo.... Are you okay? Momo: Yuki.... Yuki: Yeah.... Momo: ....... I'm this close to snapping. Yuki: You took the words right out of my mouth.

Tsukumo Ryou: Soon, it shall be complete. Midou Torao: What are you talking about? Tsukumo Ryou: Oh, fear not-- I’m referring to TRIGGER, not ŹOOĻ. Tsukumo Ryou: TRIGGER pulled out of SoundShip at the last minute. The first time is fine-- unexpected circumstances happen all the time. However, once happens a second time, they'll be seen as incompetent and impertinent. Tsukumo Ryou: There’s a shining chance for TRIGGER to repair their image-- neither Re:vale nor IDOLiSH7 will be appearing at the Tokyo International Festival of Music and Arts, a high-brow and formal affair. (1) Tsukumo Ryou: TRIGGER lose their place at that event-- I’ll make sure of it. Natsume Minami: And how will you accomplish this? I'm certain they are also aware that this is a chance for them to recover from their current predicament. Tsukumo Ryou: You see, before I became the president of an entertainment agency, I used to dabble in trading alongside some rather dangerous fellows. I can use those connections.... Tsukumo Ryou: ...To abduct TRIGGER. Inumaru Touma: ...Hey. I ain't getting involved in anything criminal. Tsukumo Ryou: Ahaha! Oh, we won't be involved at all. TRIGGER are very famous stars-- it'll be the work of a couple stalkers, so to speak. Isumi Haruka: Hmph. Isumi Haruka: ...I don't care. If that's what it'll take to see that brat and his father in tears, then go ahead. Isumi Haruka: I want him to reject everything he's ever worked for and despair.

To be continued....

TL notes/comments:

Thank you @kuriiii and Bicky (@denego_ on twitter) for betaing!!!!! There’s a lot you don’t catch even after 2-5 rereads, some of which u do muttering under ur breath at 1AM so honestly bless their souls!!! 

(1) Ryou uses 硬派 to describe the tokyo m&a festival; I've mostly seen this word used in terms of like political parties, where you have hard-liners (frm the definition of the word), or very ppl very staunch in their belief of ___. In terms of music shows, I'd extrapolate this to mean an event that's very formal and rooted in tradition/rules, which would be kind of like the Grammy's wrt an american equivalent, since awards aren't thrown around willy nilly and it's a Big Deal to get invited there, etcetc. Like there's a whole formal process involved. That kind of 'hardcore'!

IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK!! Thank you again for all of your patience and putting up with months of radio silence on my end. I put up a poll on twitter, and the plan is to prioritize Part 4, but crank out as much of Part 3 in the downtime between parts! WISH ME LUCK FJSJDF

As usual, if you see any mistakes/mistranslations/etc, please message me!

Thank you for reading!!

[sunflowerchester]

Hmm okay I need to talk about this so let's talk about this in real time. This is probably not going to touch on anything new but it’s mine and it happened to me last night.

A dude really scared me last night on our 3rd (THIRD) date. He got loud, stood over me, kept coming in my space while he argued at me with the ??? alleged intention to hug me ??? but instead made me feel very threatened.

All of this bc he perceived that I "didn't want anything to do with him" bc I chose not to curl up in an embrace with him while we watched Game of Thrones. I just wanted to sit on my side. Bc I was tired and kind of anxious. Full stop.

(But also, even if I didn't want anything to do with him for whatever reason... that's my business, he doesn't get to throw a fit about it, but whatever.)

Or he does, bc that's what he did. When he finally stormed out expecting I'd follow him, I shut the door behind him and locked both my locks.

Today he texted me (in the longest apology text ever in which he asked for a second chance) that the reason he left was the "repulsed look" on my face. That wasn't repulsion, it was fear. But he interpretted it disgust, projecting his insecurity onto me and not taking into consideration how his current actions must be making me feel in that moment. His fear of being sneered at by a woman outweighed the fear for my safety I only felt bc of his outburst of insecurity.

He had no concept of what he had done to me this morning. We went through the same situation last night with two completely different experiences and THAT, in a nutshell, is why dating is so terrifying for women.

Men have very little concept of how absolutely terrifying they can become in a split second. Then, they can still walk away from a situation like the above thinking they were somehow victimized by a look they got while being threatening and volatile towards a woman. Meanwhile a woman may have every reason to scream "GET THE FUCK OUT" and won't, then politely wait for them to cry it out and leave on their own for fear of FURTHER setting him off.

And now I get to wonder if this guy, who started out seemingly really great, will show up at my front door some time for god knows why. I asked my room mate to walk me to my car last night after the man left bc I was afraid maybe he could be waiting for me in the parking garage. I texted him back something mild and clear this morning, even though I didn’t want to ever talk to him again, hoping it would be civil enough to pacify him so he’d leave me alone from here on. 

Maybe he’s fine and really just had a bad night and honestly means me no harm and that’s it. But the point is, I literally do not know. He started out great and now ... here we are.

[kivaember]

Prompt #21: Repast

“You’re scrawnier than I thought.”

“Elezen are naturally lean,” Aymeric replied amicably, trying not to be put off by the intense, near-predatory stare boring into him, “We do not pile on muscle easily like you Xaela.”

“Hmm,” said his companion.

His companion being, specifically, Aza’s mother. She was tall for a Xaela woman, built like a destrier Chocobo with a brusque temperament to match, and possessing long, grey-streaked hair scraped back into a loose ponytail. She looked young for her supposed sixty years, even with the harsh lines pulling at the corners of her mouth and crinkling the corners of her eyes, and her body still looked strong and sturdy beneath her sturdy hunting tunics.

Strong enough to snap him over her knee like a twig, if Aza’s whispered warnings before they stepped into the yurt were anything to go by. He wasn’t keen to test if that had been an exaggeration or not – not only out of fear of discovering that prodigious strength was true, but because getting into a physical fight with his partner’s mother probably wasn’t the correct way to go about this.

“Aym’s pretty built beneath that armour,” Aza piped up at his side, “He’s Lord Commander of Ishgard’s military force, so he has to be strong for it.”

Aza’s mother, Atani, hummed again, her gaze taking on a shrewd edge to it, “Lord Commander…” she repeated, her voice thick with the accent of the Steppe. She knew Eorzean Common surprisingly well, despite Aza confessing it wasn’t her second or even third language, “Is that like a khagan?”

Aymeric glanced at Aza questioningly.

“Uh, yeah. Kinda,” Aza scratched his cheek in a clearly nervous gesture, “He’s the strongest warrior, leads the Ishgardian warriors into battle. Smart too, and, umm...”

Truthfully, Aymeric would place Estinien and several others above himself in terms of martial strength and intelligence, but he said nothing as Atani, once more, hummed and let the matter drop entirely – just in time for their last companion, Aza’s father, Aruci, to sweep next to their table and set down a large, steaming pot in the middle: the family hotpot Aza promised him when inviting him to the meal.  

“Atani, stop intimidating the poor boy,” Aruci chided gently, easing himself down on the floor with creaking knees, “He’s here as our guest.”

“If he finds this intimidating, then he’s too soft, isn’t he?” Atani said idly, then shot Aymeric’s way almost lazily, “Are you intimidated?”

“Not particularly,” Aymeric said truthfully. Compared to Nidhogg, or even Hraesvelgr, Atani’s intimidation was tolerable and like water off a mudpuppy’s back. There was only so much your glares could do when lacking the terrifying jaws of a furious, hungry dragon to go with it, “Mildly threatened, perhaps, but not intimidated.”

“Hah!” Atani leaned back, slapping a hand on her thigh, “Oh, I like this one,” she said to Aza, pointing rudely at Aymeric, “He’s bold.”

“Don’t I know it,” Aza grumbled, but he was looking pleased and incredibly relieved. No doubt he was happy this whole meeting was going so well – and that no one had been stabbed yet, an alarming possibility that was allegedly common with Xaela tribes in these situations according to Aza. It was why his partner had been so insistent he wore light armour for the meal, even if the noble upbringing in Aymeric squirmed at the perceived insult of it.

“You know, Aza speaks very warmly of you,” Aruci said in a surprisingly gentle, placid tone as he began spooning out the hotpot into everyone’s respective bowls. His hands were rough, calloused and gnarled, but still steady and strong. Aza mentioned he was a renowned crafter, and it showed, “Every time he comes home, he’s always eager to share affectionate tales about you.”

“And Bluebird the risqué ones,” Atani added teasingly, her mouth curving into a very Bluebird-esque smile when Aza turned an adorable shade of red, “Oh, come now, my little Coeurl, don’t be shy! It’s good to have a partner that satisfies you both emotionally and-”

“Okay!” Aza said a little too loudly, waving his hands frantically, “Can we please not talk about my sex life at the dinner table?”  

“I guess it is a poor subject to start off with,” Atani admitted grudgingly, her focus sliding back to Aym with her smile shifting back into too-predatory, “Instead, why not tell us how you two came together? Aza has been so secretive about it…”

At that, Aymeric and Aza shared a brief look. Their ‘coming together’ had been due to copious amounts of alcohol, Aza puking on his boots after publicly confessing his love on top of a table at a dinner party, followed by a very awkward conversation during the unpleasant throes of being hungover. There had been nothing romantic about it – it had been raw, emotionally exhausting, yet… good, in an odd way.

Of course, Aza avoided him for three weeks afterwards before Aymeric could pin him down and get a straight answer out of him regarding what they were but, well, that hungover, emotional talk had been the real start to their… relationship. Sort of.  

There was no pretty or gentle way to explain this, though. It had been a mess from start to finish.

“Um, well…” Aza cleared his throat, his left ear flicking nervously, “Bluebird didn’t tell you?”

“Your sister has a big mouth on many things,” Atani said bluntly, “But even she can be discreet about others. She hasn’t told us.”

“Oh,” Aza looked as surprised as Aymeric felt, “Well, uhhh, so… we got together after a… party…”

Aymeric had to hide a helpless smile behind his hand. Aza was such a terrible liar, and his partner stuttered and awkwardly talked around the unsavoury parts of the story under his mother’s far too knowing gaze.

“…and then we decided to give it a shot,” Aza finished his highly abridged and redacted tale, “And here we are, two years later.”

“Two years later,” Atani echoed, sharing a look with her husband, “Well, you really do seem happy.”

“I am,” Aza said firmly, sitting up straighter and looking his mother straight in the eyes, “I’m very happy with Aym. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Well. Well. Aymeric was suddenly very glad he had a bowl of hotpot to distract himself with at that bold declaration. His heart felt like it was doing something very squishy and potentially medically fatal, unable to stop the no doubt stupid, lovesick smile curling his mouth. There was something so good to hear that, if only because Aza had been so sad and lonely at the beginning, almost lost and hesitant to get attached and love. To hear him boldly declare his happiness now was…

“I can see that…” Atani murmured very softly, and something complicated flickered across her expression.

Aruci settled a hand over Atani’s, giving it a squeeze, “We’re happy for you, Aza. You’ve come a long way since we first took you in. We’re both proud of you.”

Atani gave herself a bit of a shake, motherly warmth filling her expression and chasing away the shadows that had lurked there, “So very proud. I always knew you had the better taste in men than your sister-”

“Mom,” Aza protested, his face was bright red at this point and his eyes suspiciously teary.

“-I mean, he’s leagues better than that Felyx,” Atani finished with a roll of her eyes, “Do you know Felyx, Aymeric?”

Aymeric knew Felyx very well. Bluebird had delighted in telling him that Aza’s fellow adventurer used to be a ‘fuck buddy’ when his relationship with his partner had been new and tentative. Looking back, he suspected Bluebird had been testing him, gauging his jealousy – Aymeric didn’t care. Aza wasn’t the disloyal sort, and whatever was between him and Felyx was no longer sexual. He had simply filed that fact away as an interesting piece of trivia and never thought about it in depth again.  

“We’ve met,” he said simply, “He gets around, from what I hear.”

“He’s not that bad,” Aza grumbled, “Just because he’s open about being poly-”

“Your sister wanted to marry him,” Atani said flatly, and Aza choked on the rest of his words.

“W-W-W-Wh-” Aza coughed and drew in a deep breath… if only to shriek; “What!?”

“Huh,” Aymeric said, trying to see it and failing. Bluebird, wanting to marry someone? It boggled the mind.

“Hah! I see Bluebird didn’t tell you that story!” Atani chortled, slapping her thigh, “Aruci, love, tell Aza about that disaster.”

“Oh, come now, let’s not embarrass her. She’s not even here to defend herself-”

“You have to tell me!” Aza breathed, looking torn between morbid fascination and utter delight, “Please, Dad!”

Aruci sighed, and groaned when Atani playfully ribbed him, but he gave in with a, “Well, three years back…”

“Three years!? That recent!?”

“Let him finish,” Atani scolded.

Aymeric leaned back slightly, relieved that focus had shifted from him to this humiliating tale of Bluebird’s ill-advised marriage proposal. The hotpot was good, he found, his gaze drawn to Aza as his partner drank in the embarrassing story about his sister, admiring how openly happy and relaxed and carefree he was. He looked younger, happier, basking in the presence of his family, adopted or not…

He felt an odd twinge, then – not quite longing but… a realisation that he was missing something he never truly had. Lord Borel had been a good guardian, but he had never been a father. Kind and affectionate, yes, but his love was not unconditional, and there was always an edge of political posturing when it came to Aymeric. He had long made peace with the fact that he had been a chess piece on the board that was Ishgardian politics, and that he never really knew what a proper family was.

But this… hmm. It probably felt a little like this.

Yes, a little.

Content with that, Aymeric settled in, finding contentment in being accepted into the small circle that was Aza’s family, if only for today.

[pizza-is-my-buziness]

I Wanna Be Who I Couldn’t Say I’d Ever Been

So this story is completely the result of the awesome Ruby Hale head canons that @ohdangitsang has been blessing me with for the last few weeks and honestly I am just so grateful for these ideas because I need them in my life. Please never stop.

Basically it’s Ruby + being raised by SHIELD moms + plus going to school with “normal” teenagers Peter, Ned and MJ and being a total gay mess. And I definitely want to write more in this because I just love this verse so much.

So yeah, it’s a total guilty pleasure. But that’s the point, right?

“Remember: don’t kill anyone today.”

Daisy had said those words a few short hours ago, a smile on her face, but a hint of fear in her eyes, like she was actually a little bit worried about the joke being more prophetic than humorous. Ruby had only looked at her before getting out of the car without comment and walking up the steps of Midtown School of Science and Technology.

Now Ruby can’t help but repeat Daisy’s words in her mind, thinking about them like a mantra, an important thing to keep in mind.

It’s her first day of high school. She really can’t afford to kill anyone.

Though it is a little bit tempting.

Ruby tightens her hand into a fist, flexing her fingers -empty and useless- as she sits through a biology lecture that covers something she learned years ago. Who would have thought that Hydra had time to actually teach important academic concepts in between teaching their students how to kill the president with a fork?

Ruby tries to focus on the words of the teacher rather than the onslaught of other stimuli around her. There are twenty other students in the class, double the amount of teenagers that she’s used to being around at one time, and each one of them seems determined to make as much noise as possible. The scratching of pencils on paper, the scuff of sneakers on linoleum, the tap of fingers on the surface of a desk, the snuffling, sniffing, coughing, scratching…Ruby doesn’t know how they can stand all of it. It makes her skin crawl, makes her want to jump out of her seat and release some of the tension coiling at the base of her spine.

And the teacher doesn’t seem at all bothered by all the sounds, continuing with his lecture like he isn’t aware of the constant stream of noise coming from his pupils.

Plus there’s the sounds coming from the hallway outside. She’s counted ten people out in the hallway since the start of class twenty-five minutes ago and then there’s the banging of doors, the sighing and rattling pipes, the murmur of voices from the other classrooms.

Ruby can’t even think about the sounds coming from outside the window right now. She’s barely holding onto her sanity as it is.

The person in front of her is a foot-tapper and Ruby stretches her fingers toward the pen on her desk, holding her breath as she curls her fingers around it and pulls it closer and-

Don’t kill anyone today.

Ruby sighs as Daisy’s words repeat through her mind and she forces herself to relax against the back of her seat, loosening her grip on her pen. She can’t afford to make a mistake on her first day and risk getting sent off to the Fridge or some other SHIELD stronghold -a favorite threat of Mack and Coulson. Ruby is pretty sure that Coulson is mostly kidding when he says it, but she’s not completely sure about Mack. Though she’s not sure that he has that kind of pull.

Better to not risk it until at least Friday.

Instead, Ruby just exhales slowly through her teeth, giving the teacher a cursory glance to make sure that she’s still ahead of his current lecture points, before letting her eyes play over the collection of teenagers seated around her.

Real, normal, actual teenagers. Ones who have been living in this normal, real, regular life since they were born. Teenagers who don’t know anything about how to kill someone with their bare hands. Teenagers who haven’t been designed to be the perfect weapon.

Ruby has no idea how they do it.

She looks at the boy sitting to her left, the one intently scribbling in his notebook even though nothing he’s writing has anything to do with the equations that the teacher is writing on the board. Ruby watches him for a second before growing bored with his muses on the abilities of various species of spiders, studying the smattering of other students around her. The blonde in a cheerleading uniform, the kid in glasses who is diligently taking notes on the lecture, the guy staring at his crotch where he’s got his phone hidden like he’s totally being sneaky. The girl diagonal to her that isn’t even bothering to hide the fact that she’s reading a book and not paying even a sliver of attention to the teacher.

Ruby shifts impatiently in her seat, glancing toward the clock. Her body is humming with energy -she’s not used to sitting still for this long and she actually finds herself missing the drills and exercise routines that her instructors used to make her run until she was blinking sweat away from her eyes and gritting her teeth against the burning in her muscles.

When the bell finally rings, Ruby jumps in her seat, startled by the sudden, shrill sound. She’s heard it three times already, but she still hasn’t grown used to the sound and she knocks her books onto the floor, earning her a few giggles from her classmates. The kid who had been intently scribbling down things about spiders starts to help her gather her stuff but Ruby snatches it away quickly, hurrying out of the room.

It feels good to be moving at least, even if she’s just going from one room to the next, following the schedule that Jemma put into her hands the night before and instructed her to follow down to the minute. “You always need to be exactly where you’re supposed to be,” she had said, her voice a mixture of stern and understanding. “It’s very important.”

Ruby had taken the schedule with a roll of her eyes. “You think I don’t know how to follow orders?”

She already has the schedule memorized, right down to the room numbers and the names of the teachers and the layout of the school building. Ruby follows the crush of students in the direction of the cafeteria, studying the new terrain with a touch of trepidation. Daisy had briefed her on this part of her day, telling her to make friends, to find someone pleasant to sit with so that she didn’t have to be alone.

Friends. Hmm. Ruby figures it’s probably pretty hard to make friends when you’re attending normal high school for the first time after being raised as an indomitable Hydra weapon. But also the whole not having said a word to anyone all day thing probably doesn’t help either.

Ruby isn’t entirely sure where she stands on the subject of friends anyway. She’s never had them; she’s only ever dealt with people who sought to keep her from her goal, her purpose. She’s had the blood of her classmates on her hands, and even in some cases, their deaths on her shoulders. Which is probably something the people laughing and carrying on around her can’t exactly relate to.

“Hey! Hey, new girl!”

It takes Ruby only a second to ascertain that this summons is directed at her. When she turns her head, she sees the spider-boy waving her over to a table, a grin on his face. Beside him, his pudgy friend is also smiling, though much in the same way that Daisy had smiled at her that morning -hopeful but with a hint of fear.

“Come sit with us.” He points to an empty chair opposite of where he’s currently sitting and Ruby debates her options for a second before moving in his direction.

“We always have empty spaces at our table,” the spider-boy tells her before sitting down in his own seat. “I’m Peter and this is Ned. How’s your first day going?”

Ruby blinks at him, trying to decide if this is a normal thing that normal teenagers do. Do they often talk to one another without pausing? Do they often engage in conversation with strangers without having any type of motive?

Peter and Ned exchange a look at her silence and then Ned shrugs, picking up the slice of pizza on his plate and starting to eat like having strange, silent, blonde girls at the lunch table is completely ordinary.

“You need help navigating the line?” Peter tilts his head in the direction of the massing of students moving through the line, holding trays of food.

Ruby unzips her backpack, pulling out the lunch that Jemma had packed for her that morning in a lunchbox that Daisy had bought for her. “It’s red, see? Like…you know…” Daisy had grinned at her, far too amused in what she perceived as her own cleverness. “Like ruby.”

Ruby isn’t entirely sure if normal teenagers have lunchboxes to coordinate with their names so she makes a mental note to do some recon, just so she knows how to ensure her normalcy tomorrow.

No one really seems to be paying much attention to her at all, aside from Peter and Ned, so Ruby figures that she’s safe for the time being.

Peter just nods. “Ah, good thinking,” he says. “The food here can actually be pretty good, though.”

Ned lifts his pizza slice as proof. “Mondays are always pizza day.”

Ruby studies the triangle in his hand. “I’ve never had pizza.”

This comment earns her incredulous looks from both Ned and Peter and Ruby is pretty sure that Ned only just barely manages not to drop the pizza back onto his tray. She isn’t sure if their surprise is because she’s uttered her first sentence since walking into the school building or because she’s never eaten pizza before.

She’s not sure which is a worse offense in their minds.

Peter and Ned are still fumbling with a response when Ruby senses movement to her right and turns her head just as the girl from her science class drops into the chair beside her. She sets her tray down in front of her and pulls out her book, flipping it open without a glance at the other people at the table.

“That’s Michelle,” Peter says, pointing to the girl with her curly hair piled on top of her head and her deep brown eyes scanning the pages of her book.

“Sup,” Michelle says without looking out from her book. “MJ.”

Peter lifts his eyebrows. “I thought you said only your friends could call you that.”

The girl just looks at him over the top of her book and turns the page without comment.

Ruby looks at the three of them and tries to decipher the conversation going on around her. She’s starting to feel even less equipped for normal high school than she’d previously thought.

There seems to be an air of expectation at the table and Ruby sighs, breathing out slowly. “My name is Ruby.”

It’s been a while since she’s been around people who didn’t know who she was.

Who didn’t know to be afraid of her.

Ruby isn’t sure what to make of the sudden tightness in her chest, the way her stomach feels like it’s twisting around inside her body.

“So,” Ned says, unaware of the sudden fluttery panic that Ruby feels running through her body, “you’ve really never had pizza?”

~ ~ ~

After lunch, Ruby is almost relieved to head to the gym, though her relief is quickly tempered by disappointment when she sees that it’s nothing like the gym from the safe house. There are just bleachers and freshly waxed floors and a few basketball hoops and everything smells like sweat and desperation and rubber and Ruby isn’t sure what she’s supposed to do with this.

How is she supposed to keep herself in shape with…this? How is she supposed to work off the energy threatening to tear her apart from the inside out?

The coach blows the whistle around his neck and Ruby jumps once again, cursing herself under her breath. She makes a mental note to ask May to work whistle drills into their regular training sessions in the hopes that it’ll help her look more normal around her classmates, more like she belongs there.

“Okay, go ahead and start your stretches and then we’ll move on to push-ups,” the coach says, his tone matching the bored expressions that Ruby sees around her. “We’ll finish with laps. Let’s go people.”

Of course he punctuates his instructions with another bleat on the whistle and Ruby grits her teeth, rolling her shoulders. She’s really tempted to grab that whistle and shove it down his throat…if she doesn’t shove it too far down then she should still be able to adhere to Daisy’s command to not kill anyone.

As Ruby effortlessly moves through the stretches that she’s been doing since she could walk, she notices Peter and Ned a few feet to her left and, beside them, MJ. Who happens to be sitting cross-legged on the floor, book in her lap. Ruby stretches her arm across her chest, holding the posture until she feels her muscles start to tingle, coming alive, keeping her focus on MJ.

MJ lifts her head as if sensing Ruby’s eyes on hers, meeting Ruby’s gaze before Ruby can look away. She holds up the book so that Ruby can see the title: The Handmaid’s Tale, raising her eyebrows in a question that Ruby can’t entirely decipher.

Quickly, Ruby looks away, feeling a strange heat rush to her cheeks, the unsettling feeling returning to her stomach. She pushes it away, focusing on loosening her body in preparation for the push-ups.

And, of course, the command to begin comes with a whistle.

Ruby really wants to snatch that thing away from the coach and wrap the lanyard around his neck and just-

Thankfully the physical activity helps take her mind off the impulse that she feels to strangle the man. Ruby doesn’t bother to keep track of push-ups, focusing instead on her breathing, on the movement of her muscles, the curve of her spine as she moves effortlessly.

It takes her a few minutes to realize that the coach is staring at her with interest, whistle hanging loosely from his teeth. “Where did you say you transferred from?” He asks when he sees that he has Ruby’s attention. “Was it some kind of military academy?”

Ruby doesn’t bother to answer, moving fluidly from the push-up position to standing once more. She wipes at her forehead with the back of her hand even though she’s not close to sweating. It’s a bit of a disappointment. Clearly she’s going to have to hold back here, as it seems like physical prowess is not normal.

And Ruby so badly just wants to be normal.

The coach moves off to supervise some of the other students and Ruby sees that he’s not the only one who has been watching her. Peter is studying her closely too, brow furrowed with interest. He looks like he wants to say something, which Ruby figures is the perfect excuse to turn her back to him and act like she needs to go through the stretching process once more, even though her body is itching, aching to move.

It’s a relief when they move to the laps portion of the class and Ruby doesn’t even bother to remember to keep herself in check as they start their laps around the all too small space of the gym. She thinks if she bothers to hold back, even for a moment longer, that she’ll go completely crazy.

And then someone really might die.

And then where would she be?

Ruby laps everyone easily, focusing on the sound of her feet against the floor. It makes it easier to move, to think, when that’s all she has to concentrate on.

And then…she hears another pair of footsteps join the rhythm that she’s gotten used to, matching her pace.

Ruby frowns, lifting her head, glancing over to her left. She’s only somewhat surprised to see Peter running there beside her, grinning, not seeming the least bit winded. “Finally, someone else who can keep up,” he says, companionably.

Ruby purses her lips, adding a little bit more speed to her laps, hardly in the mood for conversation.

Not that it matters. For every burst of speed Ruby gives to her strides, Peter is there to match her perfectly, keeping pace with her effortlessly. Ruby stops bothering to count laps, stops keeping track of the number of times that she laps her classmates, instead focusing on Peter and shaking him.

It doesn’t do much good. He keeps perfect pace with her until the coach blows his whistle and Ruby breaks her stride, nearly stumbling in her surprise. Peter reaches for her, keeping her upright with a hand on her shoulder, which Ruby quickly shakes away.

“Okay, I think that’s enough of that,” the coach calls from the opposite side of the gym. “Everybody dress out.”

Peter grins at her, not seeming at all winded. Which is something Ruby can relate to. He steps closer to her, invading her personal space. “So, are you like…” He glances around to make sure there’s no one else around. “A superhero too or something?”

Ruby steps back quickly, trying to force down the sudden surge of panic that she feels at Peter’s words.

She heads toward the girls’ locker room without bothering to answer, without even trying to protest that she’s normal, totally normal, that she’s here because she’s normal. Normal, normal, normal.

That’s all she wants to be.

Ruby figures it’ll do no good to point out to Peter that she’s hardly a superhero.

More like a supervillain.

~ ~ ~

As Ruby heads down the steps toward the line of cars waiting at the front of the building, she spots MJ sitting cross-legged beside one of the stone statues at the front of the school. MJ lifts her hand in a brief wave, lifting her chin in a parting gesture.

Ruby swallows and looks away quickly.

It’s a definite relief to be sitting in the back seat of the car, closed into the small space with just Daisy and Jemma.

Even though Ruby can tell right away they’re both trying to hide their anxiety, trying to look casual as they both turn around in their seats to look at her.

“So…” Daisy prompts, a hopeful smile on her face.

“How was it?” Jemma finishes the sentence for her and Ruby wants to tell them that they both suck at this whole casual persona they’re trying to master.

Ruby just shrugs, looking out the window at the stream of students. She briefly thinks about telling them about the bells, about all the sounds and movement and things that threaten to distract her. She thinks about telling them about the schedule and how she almost can’t stand the forced rigidity of it. She thinks about mentioning Peter’s strange comment to her, or even mentioning Peter and Ned to them and suggesting timidly that she might have friends.

But then she sees MJ and Ruby purses her lips, frowning slightly.

Ruby looks back toward Daisy and Jemma, who are still staring at her and Ruby can practically feel them holding their collective breath. “Can you take me to the library?” She asks, rather than answer their impatient, unspoken questions. “I need to get a book.”

Daisy and Jemma exchange a look, nearly indecipherable given the years that Ruby assumes they’ve had to perfect their special form of silent communication.

Finally Jemma nods. “Of course. Do you need it for school?”

Ruby shrugs, settling back in her seat. “No,” she says. “Someone recommended it to me.”

At least, she thinks that’s what happened anyway.

Teenagers are hard to figure out.

Daisy lifts an eyebrow. “You made a friend?”

A few months ago, Ruby would have sneered at the hopeful lilt in Daisy’s voice. She would have seen it as weakness, exploited it to gain the upper hand, to do whatever she had to do to take out her enemy.

Hope, much like friends, was completely unnecessary to her even a month ago.

Now Ruby just shrugs, turning the word over in her mind.

A month ago, she wouldn’t have cared about having friends.

She wouldn’t have cared about being normal.

But Ruby knows how fast circumstances can change.  

[dontenchantme]

piety

Rated T, Simeon x MC.

she was completely and utterly devoted to the dreams she kept locked in her mind.

fics masterlist

“I don’t think angels and demons are all that different,” Simeon said, taking a delicate bite out of his sandwich. “After all, the brothers used to be angels before they fell.”

“Except for Satan,” she said, and Simeon put his sandwich down on his plate.

“Except for Satan,” he agreed, and they fell silent, just watching the people walking outside the café. Being around Simeon made her feel peaceful, as though everything was right with the world. Even if she was on the verge of flunking one of her exams again.

She could already imagine Lucifer’s look of disapproval and she tried her best to shove the thought away. “Do you ever get homesick? I mean, we’ve been here for a few months…”

“Sometimes. Don’t we all?” Simeon laughed, a gentle sound – it reminded her of the tinkling of bells. “But it’s certainly interesting to be in the Devildom instead. There are many sweets and items sold here that one cannot obtain in the Celestial Realm.”

“That makes it sound like your favourite part of the Devildom is the food,” she pointed out, though there was a smile on her face – such a simple, straightforward response made him seem relatable. A little less unreachable. “I’ve never tried food from the Celestial Realm…”

“Ah, that’s true, I suppose even Luke’s treats aren’t technically from the Celestial Realm since he makes them with Devildom ingredients,” Simeon mused. “Maybe I could invite you up to our home someday. I think you might enjoy yourself there.”

She wondered what the Celestial Realm looked like. Clean and white and golden, she supposed – kind of like Simeon and Luke’s outfits. Since there was no sun in the Devildom, did that mean there was no moon in the Celestial Realm? “Would there ever be such an opportunity?”

“Perhaps. If Diavolo can organise an exchange programme for the other two realms, then why can’t we?” Simeon pushed his plate towards her. “Do you want a bite of my sandwich? You haven’t eaten anything since this morning. Or I could get you something if you’d like?”

“Oh! No, it’s fine!” She didn’t want to admit that she was so nervous about going out with him that she lost her appetite. It wasn’t like Simeon was being any different from his usual self. Just that every time they went out together without any study materials, she couldn’t help but feel excited. Though she kind of wished they could do something more…well, couple-like.

It felt strange to even think about that. But Simeon was the one who said this could be a date, right? If she wanted it to be? She glanced at him – Simeon was looking out of the window, a serene smile on his face, and she wondered what was on his mind.

Simeon was hard to read. It was something he had in common with his housemate, though Solomon seemed like the kind of person who would purposely dangle his secrets in front of others just to annoy them. Simeon, on the other hand, gave her the feeling that he simply wasn’t aware of how people perceived him. “Have you ever dated before?” she asked.

Come to think of it, she didn’t know much about him. She knew he was around Lucifer’s age – meaning he was really old. And he was terrible with technology. But that was pretty much it. Simeon finished the rest of his sandwich. “Yes. A long time ago.” His voice was wistful.

“What were they like?” she asked. She figured they had to be someone exceptional to draw the eye of an angel. Simeon looked at her with a faint smile on his face.

“It’s been thousands of years. You would get bored if I told you,” he said, and there was something about the look in his eyes that told her to keep quiet and not probe any further. She wasn’t afraid of him or anything like that, but she had the feeling that if she continued to ask questions it would cause him pain, so she decided to hold her tongue.

“Is there anywhere you’d like to go today?” She changed the topic and was relieved to see his smile widen. He nodded, reaching out to pat her on the head, and she blushed at the innocent touch – the gesture made her feel like a child, but she didn’t mind it. Not really.

“We can go shopping if you want,” he suggested. “You mentioned that you wanted to get something from the latest Majolish collection, right?”

She blinked. “Yes, I did. But…wow, you remembered?” She brought this up in passing last week, and at that point, Simeon had been trying to get her to focus on his lesson, so she didn’t think he even registered what she said.

“Of course.” His gaze was soft, and she felt her face warming as he studied her. “I wouldn’t forget anything when it comes to you. We’re dating now, aren’t we?”

He said it in such a matter-of-fact way that she wondered what she was even worried about. Did it matter that they had yet to even hold hands? Maybe he liked to take things slow. “Yeah,” she murmured, fiddling with the sleeves of her blouse. “You know, I’ve never actually dated anyone before you,” she confessed, staring down at the floor. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Simeon made a small sound of surprise. “So…I’m your first?” he asked, and she nodded, her blush deepening. It sounded so dumb when she said it aloud, and honestly, it wasn’t even a big deal or anything, but she just…she just wanted to tell him. “Ah. That’s…” Simeon seemed to be searching for the right words to say. Then he sighed, and she felt his warm fingers brush gently against her cheek. She blinked. “The thought of that makes me a little happy.”

She glanced up then and saw that he was looking at her with tender affection in his eyes – a sudden, overwhelming sense of comfort swept through her, and without thinking she leant her cheek into his palm, nuzzling against his hand. She heard him draw a breath.

When she met his gaze, she noticed his blue eyes were narrowed. “You don’t know the kind of effect you have on people, do you?” he whispered, and his words were so quiet that she couldn’t be sure if she had heard him properly. She frowned, about to open her mouth to speak, but then Simeon smiled and dropped his hand from her face. “Shall we get going?”

He offered her his hand and she took it, trying not to seem too eager. His hand was bigger than hers and it was warm – she slipped her fingers between his and his hand tightened around hers. “Let me know if you get hungry, all right? Skipping meals isn’t good for you.”

“Yes, yes, I will,” she laughed, a little giddy now that she was touching him. Part of her did wonder if sharing any kind of intimacy with Simeon would be…well, inappropriate, but for now she didn’t want to think about that. “I know perfectly well how to take care of myself.”

“Hmm, you could fool me.” Simeon shook his head. “Sometimes I can’t tell if I fear for you or if I admire your bravery. You can be remarkably reckless at times.”

She pouted. “Not you too! You sound like Lucifer.” She hesitated. “And what makes you say that?” Did someone tell Simeon about her misadventures in the House of Lamentation?

“Solomon told me about the time one of Asmodeus’ former lovers teleported you lot into the dungeon. And how you and Levi spent a couple of days after that trying to find a way back so you could rescue his angry pet snake.” Simeon chuckled. “Of course, I didn't think you were in any real danger, not with one of the brothers by your side. But I haven’t seen many humans who would willingly go back to a place they know to be dangerous.”

She gave him a sheepish look. “Levi said he felt bad leaving his pet there, even if it didn’t recognise him anymore. And I didn’t want him to just go back on his own…”

“You’re very brave, and I admire that about you.” Simeon paused. “And the way you’re able to interact with Belphegor after everything that’s happened…you’re certainly special.”

Belphie. She sighed at the sound of his name, knowing this was a sensitive topic – although the demon brothers had quickly come around and forgiven their sibling, she wasn’t too sure how Simeon felt about the whole situation.

The seventh-born’s actions had only served to heighten Luke’s distrust of demons, but that didn’t surprise anyone. Simeon, on the other hand… “It wasn’t like I snapped my fingers and suddenly everything was fine. But he seemed sincere and I knew that forgiving him would make Beel happy, so…and anyway, he’s not that bad. He’s just kind of misunderstood.”

“Misunderstood?” Simeon repeated. “But he tried to kill you.” His words weren’t accusatory – he stated this in the same straightforward, nonchalant tone one might use to talk about the weather. “Anyone would understand if you refused to forgive your murderer.”

“I guess…” She fidgeted, not entirely sure how to explain it to him. Yes, her forgiveness and her ready friendship with Belphie probably didn’t make any sense to a bystander. But he had tried so hard to apologise. It was clear that he regretted that entire episode, and she knew that his actions had been driven by grief for his little sister. Not that this excused what he had done, but she could sympathise with his feelings, and after a while, she felt more pity than anger.

Simeon shook his head. “Let’s not talk about that.” Maybe he could sense her discomfort, maybe he just thought this wasn’t appropriate to discuss right now, but either way she was grateful that he changed the topic. “Is Lucifer still giving you grief about your results?”

“Not at the moment, but he will if I don’t get a good grade for the upcoming test.” She rolled her eyes. “He acts more like my dad than anything. I don’t know how he finds the time to look through my papers and pick out everything I’m doing wrong. Isn’t he super busy?”

“He has always been a perfectionist,” Simeon hummed. “Even when he was an angel, up in the Celestial Realm. If you wanted a job flawlessly executed, you’d give it to Lucifer.”

“I can see why.” She exhaled. “You’ve known Lucifer for a long time, haven’t you, Simeon?”

“One could say that.” Simeon pulled her to the side, avoiding a demon who was racing down the street. He was followed by another demon who seemed hellbent on catching the first, shouting profanities as he ran. “We were created by our father around the same time, but I’m a little older.” He laughed at the look of surprise on her face. “I know, he doesn’t behave as though he’s any younger than me – but none of that is important. What difference would a few decades make when we measure time in terms of millennia?” he mused.

She knew Simeon was old, but it was always a surprise to realise just how old. He looked so young, after all. But he had been there since what was practically the beginning of time and she felt so much like a child next to him. “Do you have any interesting stories about him?”

He was beautiful when he smiled like this. The playfulness that gleamed in his eyes was new and unfamiliar but also extremely attractive, and she found herself staring helplessly at him, entranced by his carefree grin. “I certainly do, but if I tell you any Lucifer might curse me for the next thousand years, and I’m not sure if that’s something I want to go through.”

“Maybe just one story? Or two?” she wheedled, squeezing his hand, and Simeon shook his head, chuckling. He paused in the middle of the pavement, reaching up with his free hand to stroke her bangs away from her eyes. She temporarily forgot how to breathe, her mind instantly going into overdrive. His hand lingered against her face and he stared at her, the smile on his face fading slightly, and she wondered if he was going to say something –

Then Simeon turned away and she drew in a deep breath, that tense moment passing. She could almost hear Lucifer’s warning ringing in her ears, and she shook her head, frustrated at how his words kept popping up at the most inopportune moments.

Why couldn’t she just forget what he said? It was just yet another example of Lucifer being overprotective, warning her about things that never came to pass – she never had trouble forgetting his other reminders, so why did this stick so stubbornly in her head? It was only taking up space in her brain. And she needed that space to remember her lessons!

“One story, hm?” Simeon considered, tapping his chin. “I guess I could tell you something. So, you know Michael the archangel, right?” She nodded. He was all Luke ever seemed to talk about – it would be strange if she didn’t know who he was. “Lucifer and I once reported directly to Michael, though that’s long past now. And there was once Michael got him drunk enough that he went skipping through the streets of the Celestial Realm, singing about how the cherubim were stuck-up pricks who didn’t deserve their positions and how Michael was a sadistic boss who used his staff as personal slaves…well, Lucifer was a lot younger back then.”

She didn’t find that a stretch to believe, not after the time Lucifer returned from a drinking competition with Diavolo and proceeded to complain nonstop about the various faults of his brothers. One thing she had observed was that the first-born was fairly good at holding his drink but if he managed to get drunk, he really was drunk. Lucifer fell somewhere between angry and chatty when intoxicated, and she had discovered a few of his secrets because of that.

“You don’t report to Michael anymore?” she asked. Simeon shook his head, and again she saw wistfulness in his blue gaze. She wondered what memories were floating through his mind to make him look this way. “Do you miss working for him? Luke seems to admire him a lot,” she continued. Simeon rubbed his thumb over her skin, and she blinked, startled by the unexpected gesture – she had almost forgotten that they were holding hands.

“In a way, I still do, but not exactly either. It’s complicated,” he added, noticing the confusion on her face. “I guess…you can think of angels as warriors of the Celestial Realm. We’re like an army, and you know how some people in armies serve multiple superiors at once?”

“So, you have a few bosses who you work for?” she asked, and he nodded, his gaze drifting upwards. The moon was large and round, hanging overhead in the dark sky like a luminous, low-hanging fruit. It felt like if she tried hard enough – if she rose on her tiptoes and reached for the moon, she might just be able to grasp it in the palm of her hand.

“You can say that,” he said. They spent the next few moments in silence – Simeon continued to watch the moon, but she sneaked a glance at him and was mesmerised by how the silvery light gently illuminated his handsome face, giving him an almost ethereal quality. Simeon was beautiful even under the stark, artificial light at RAD, but when he stepped out into the moonlight there was no way she could deny that this man was an angel, a heavenly being who appeared before the deserving and led them on the path to righteousness.

Again, that little flicker of self-doubt reared its ugly head, making her wonder what she was doing with someone as perfect, as holy and wonderful as Simeon. If she would somehow lead him astray simply because he, as an angel, was so much purer than she could ever hope to be. It wasn’t so bad in the beginning when he was just tutoring her, and she didn’t think there was any chance he would be interested in her.

But now things were different, and she wondered if she ought to be more careful. Maybe it was because of Lucifer’s baseless warning, maybe it was just because she felt like she was doing something she shouldn’t, but either way, she felt almost…guilty. She tried to shake the feeling away – if Simeon didn’t say anything was wrong, then things were fine. Right?

“Did you miss the brothers? After they fell, I mean,” she said, trying to distract her overactive mind. Simeon glanced at her, his eyes widening, and she hoped she hadn’t overstepped any boundaries. “I mean, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” she added.

“No, it’s fine. I just didn’t think you’d ask about that.” He sighed. “Though in hindsight, that shouldn’t have been a surprise – you live with them, after all. You care for them.” Simeon cocked his head. “They were my friends. And Lucifer was a brother to me. For centuries after the Celestial War, I wondered if I should have joined them. But I didn’t because I was bound to…serve. To protect.” He closed his eyes, and his expression was mournful.

She wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him close, reassure him that everything was fine – anything to distract him from that sadness. Her fingers twitched, but she was too shy, too embarrassed to touch him so, in the end, she didn’t move. After a few seconds, he exhaled and opened his eyes, and then Simeon was back to his usual calm, serene self, his gentle smile wrapping around her like a warm blanket on a cold night. “I apologise. I get a little lost in my memories sometimes. But to answer your question, yes, I did miss them.”

“You don’t need to apologise,” she said, tipping her head back so she could look directly into his eyes. “Not for feeling sad. Or getting sucked into your thoughts. I do that all the time! It’s perfectly normal.” Simeon stared at her with curiosity in his eyes and she drew a deep breath, convincing herself to continue. “But if you need to…you know, sort through your emotions or anything like that…you can always talk to me. True, I may not be able to understand your situation entirely, but I want to – um, I want to be there for you.”

Simeon’s gaze softened, and the next thing she knew he was pulling her closer to him, his lips just barely grazing her forehead. “Thank you,” he whispered. “That means a lot to me.” She could hardly focus on what he was saying, too distracted by the fact that he had just kissed her. It was a forehead kiss, and it didn’t even last a second, but it still counted, right? “You look like a startled rabbit,” Simeon laughed, his hand cupping her cheek.

“Don’t laugh at me,” she protested, and he gave her an indulgent smile, his gorgeous blue eyes almost seeming to glow. He let go of her face and gave their joined hands another squeeze, then he turned and continued to walk down the street. She trailed a tiny distance behind him, still in shock over what had just happened. She wasn’t dreaming, was she?

“Let’s go to Majolish,” he said, and she nodded, her gaze fixed on the back of his head. She wanted to run her fingers through his wavy dark hair – she wondered if it was as soft as it looked, and the idea of that made her face flush again.

If a simple forehead kiss and his hand against her cheek could make her mind go blank, if the mere thought of touching him could fluster her this badly, then…what would happen if things between them got serious? At this rate, she might just spontaneously combust.

Maybe this was what Lucifer meant when he said that Simeon wasn’t what he appeared to be. He would kill her one day. Death from overwhelming emotion. Honestly, that didn’t sound like a bad way to go.

[justtextmeoppa]

SHINee’s reaction to you moan their name while you’re sleeping

I hope you like it cutie! - M. 

Gif aren’t mine, credits to the owner! ♥

Jinki

He had woken up to go and drink a glass of water and when he returns to the room he shares with his S/O he hears his name. At first, he just thinks she's dreaming so he doesn't pay much attention, but when his name resonates in the room in an incredibly sensual way every sense turns on and a shiver runs through his back, his throat dries and a violent low-belly heat makes him realize that he likes that sound. Perhaps he loves it. Swallowing he reclines at her side and begins to caress her abdomen, going to touch with the tip of his nose a sensitive point of her neck. 

"J-Jinki.." She groans again and this causes yet another shiver into his lower belly, while the erection held by the boxer becomes increasingly hard and eager to get rid of that annoying tissue. 

"Jagi.. Jagi.. " He whispers into her ear with a tone of voice laden with lust, low and that he reverberates in the body of his girlfriend who slowly opens her eyes. Meanwhile, his hand slipped under her shirt, stroking with his fingertips every inch of skin that manages to touch, to taste and to appreciate. The redness on the cheeks of his S/O makes him realize that she understood what happened but doesn't give her the time, their lips collide and he begins to kiss her with passion making heated that kiss. 

"What were you dreaming of, mh?" He asks onto her lips, moving away in search of air. The redness on her cheeks increases and he smiles amused, descending to kiss her jawline while with his hand begins to play with the elastic of her pajama shorts. 

"J-Jinki.." 

"Before you didn't stutter, Jagi.. How about if we resume where your dream must have stopped?? " Despite his being very private and shy in public, at that time is another Jinki and wants to give proof to his girlfriend that he's much better than his dream self.  

Kibum 

He’s reviewing a script that his manager sent him a few hours before when he hears a voice, low and almost suffocated, coming from the living room. Intrigued he rises from the bed and as soon as he approaches the couch a little grin relaxes on his full and soft lips. He curses himself for not noticing the return of his girlfriend, but seeing her on the couch, slightly sweaty and with her hands that violently shake the pillow amuses and excites him at the same time. And as his name comes out of her mouth, almost as if she was begging him, it does nothing but excites him. But he has in mind much more for her and without saying anything she takes her in his arms, in bridal style, and takes her in the bedroom letting her enjoy that night of rest, unaware of what will happen the next day. 

The sun is now high and he is on the chair near the bed that fingers his phone when she finally wakes up. He smiles and throws himself on the bed, with a sneer that she immediately notices. 

"What's going on, Bummie?" 

Without giving her time to say anything he puts herself above her, blocking her arms to the sides of her face and approaching his own face to hers. Their breaths collide and the excitement in remembering how she moaned his name becomes increasingly intense, so much so that she notices something that presses against her lower belly. 

"K-Kibum..?" 

"I didn't think you were a wet dream person, you know?" 

Her distraught expression is already a first prize for the young man, who has always been amused to tease anyone with his ways, while he starts to stroke his pelvis against her and immediately smiles satisfied seeing how she reacts to his movement. 

"What was I doing in the dream?" He asks, shortening the distance between their lips;  "Indeed I would say that for today I can also do late, fuck all."

Minho 

Returning after a long day of work is always pleasant for Minho because he knows that to welcome him at home there is his sweet S/O. But being the silence to welcome him provokes in him a strange feeling, perhaps concern because it's not from her not to be at home at an hour so late. She usually warns and it 's with that thought in mind that he enters the room, noticing only at a later time that someone is hiding between the sheets and moans something. 

"What the he--" He murmurs, interrupting only when he hears his name groaned over and over again. 

Her voice, so warm and low, caresses his name in that way every time they make love and this causes in Minho two different reactions. The first is to wake her up and make love to her, all night if possible. The second is sweeter because he knows how tired she is and has worked all day. So with a sweet smile printed onto his lips, he begins to undress and stretches to her side, gently drawing her into his arms. That gesture wakes her up and the slightly shy smile that she addresses is yet another test against his self-control because he thinks "how it is possible that she's so beautiful just awake" 

"Sorry if.. I-I was sleeping.. " 

"It's okay Jagi, you can go back to sleep if you want." He whispers by touching her forehead with his own lips, starting to caress her back up and down with his fingertips. 

"Hmm.. I-I would have something else in mind.." A thick and extreme warmth suddenly appear in his abdomen, because he's aware of what she'ss talking about at the moment. And the wake of moist kisses that immediately after she leaves on his neck doesn't leave him more doubts. And his self-control goes literally to the hell while their lips meet and their tongues begin a struggle to see who dominates among them. 

"I wanted to leave you quiet..." 

"I prefer to make reality what I dreamed of."

Jonghyun

His headphones prevent him from hearing what is coming out of his girlfriend's mouth, but when a hand squeezes on his wrist he remains astounded. By pulling the headphones off the sound of his name whispered breathlessness strikes him, causing a knot in his throat that with fatigue he manages to dissolve. A slight layer of sweat is formed immediately on his forehead because he's holding in every way the desire to wake her up and make those groans become more real. But he keeps motionless, staring at the screen of his PC and wondering mentally what he needs to do. Wake her up or let her sleep? The problem is that under his boxer there is a small battle and with shame he'ss forced to admit that those groans have excited him violently. So he puts the pc on the bedside table and turns towards her, starting to kiss her naked shoulder going down then towards the breast. 

"Wake up.." 

"Mmh... J-Jonghyun.. What are you doing..? " Her voice is now more sleepy than excited as shortly before, but immediately her body becomes tense under his touch. He raises his face and smiles, rather making her a wink, slowly approaching her face and biting her lower lip, having fun playing with it among his own teeth. She swallows, caught by surprise, while effortlessly he squeezes her hips and laying on the bed he makes her seat on his pelvis, where his erection was already well visible below the boxer. And she feels it, pressed against her core so that he can smile even more excited and amused. 

"J-Jong.." 

"It's not my fault, baby." He murmurs, brushing her hips now discovered by the shirt. She sighs and instinctively begins to rub her own intimacy against his erection covered by the boxer, ripping to him a couple of suffocated moans. That's too much for Jonghyun, who immediately takes the situation in hand and flips positions. He's arranged between her legs and is held on his elbows, pressed firmly against the mattress. No one can play with his excitement and then come out "unscathed".

Taemin 

It's a shy boy, our taemin. And when, one night, he hears his girlfriend repeatedly moaning his name he's totally petrified. He turns to her, watching slightly upset and understands, even after a few minutes, what is going on in the dreams of his S/O. Starts to sweat copiously, without knowing what to do. Obviously, those sounds excite him, he is a man now, but they haven't yet arrived at that stage despite being together for almost a year. He passes his hands nervously through his hair, descending from the bed and running away to the bathroom to rinse his face. And the contact with the fresh water somehow manages to calm him, to relax him so much that the excitement perceived just before comes back, starting to let boil his blood and to make he wishes to "Take that step." With small drops of water slipping along his face, he goes back to the room and kneels next to her side of the bed. With delicacy, he doesn't even know where to start or rather not with her since she's the girl who he really loves, he caresses her hair by repressing his instinct to kiss her when he hears his name coming out of her soft and addictive lips. 

"Y/N..?" 

"Mmh... T-Taemin.. A-again. " She groans and a new heat expands on his face and especially under his own boxer, causing him a slight embarrassment. Which is also why he can't make a move, the fear of not being up to the situation. 

"Y/N..?" He calls again, letting his long and tampered fingers slide on her neck and just smiling when he sees her open her eyes. Their looks meet and the redness on Taemin's cheeks makes her understand what she must have pronounced and immediately puts herself seated, hidden between the sheets with which she covers her legs. 

"T-Tae.." 

"It's nice my name pronounced that way." 

He lets himself be guided by a confidence that he didn't have to say that phrase, leaning towards her and starting to draw an imaginary line on her neck with his own tongue. 

"Maybe it's time.. That you become completely mine, Y/N."

[intheheartofthematter]

GPOY (thinking on it all) As my mom put it, I’m in a pickle...

It’s been 9 days I still haven’t heard back from T & Alexandria, and there aren’t any good/new listings on the real estate sites. I advised Alexandria to rework their part with a potential lender (problems, change the type), and told them both, if still interested, let’s make it happen! Maybe it’s too much pressure. I know that they’re busy, too, but we’re running out of time! Snow season will be here before long. And, for the past few months I’ve been paying their missing roommate’s share of rent, throwing that money away! Right now, there are four of them living there. I was trying to ease their money woes and stress, so they wouldn’t have to move before our move. But, the longer they stay, the more we lose towards it all. So, in the meantime today, I’m pondering and going through more things, trying to decide what to keep out & what to pack and trying not to think too much on it while we’re in limbo. I can’t formulate my overall future plan without first knowing if we’ll be living together (and the costs) or if I’ll be living alone (and look for a smaller, most affordable, residence). I can stay here in the meantime, but it’s hard to be nice or happy when I have a lot of resentment, and to feel used while I’m still here being pulled away from preparing for myself. And, my brother... well, he’s still in bed. He’s been depressed in bed for days, only getting up at night to watch TV in the living room or escape in a video game. Knowing what they’re doing to me, knowing that he has it made, always cared for and spoiled, and that he can’t help me and that he’ll be losing me here, he’s more depressed than I am, lol. Anyway, gonna drink this while I eat the music.

(keep scrolling)

My Mango drink made me think of this song... that’s all. Actually, a lot of KB and SxTx have been playing on my channel. And now Louis Armstrong again. Oh! This song now, listened to a lot after my grandpa’s funeral :) I'll Be Seeing You

Skylar 

I’m half tempted to sample this natural fine fragrance, for aromatherapy on myself. I haven’t bought anything frivolous like this for myself in a looooooong time! I can get 10% off a sample box, which gives me $20 off of my favorite scent for a full-sized bottle. Hmm... maybe. I should save every penny, but something deep inside of me says it’s okay, that it might be beneficial. Or, I’m just trying to talk myself into it, lol. 

I’m trying to decide which tea I’m most in the mood for...

Stash is the best when it comes to chai! Made with part milk... near authentic! 

Celestial is the best Peppermint tea! I was never fond of it until I had to drink it for nausea every morning at 4am. I woke up in pain and nauseated like clockwork, initially. Two bags and a little sugar works like magic! Recently, my brother was real nauseated. I made it that way for him. Felt 100% better after!

And, tonight’s winner is...

I decided on this instead for now... Smiley Daisy was rated #1 overall in 2019 after 3 years of research. I researched it, and didn’t go by what the seller claims. But, instead of Juju Aroma oils, I’m going to first try Pura d’or. I like the wooden box, too! And, like that it includes Tea Tree, Rosemary & Frankincense. 

My grandpa’s plaque arrived. I’m not ready to put it together.

Also, a Lotus pendant I ordered arrived. I forgot about it! It’s like a white pearl inside, but after exposed to light it turns Egyptian Blue. Well, blue. I’m calling it Egyptian Blue (Lotus). In the second pic you can see it’s just starting to turn blue...

That’s an Egyptian Blue Lotus Flower. The blue is soft in the same way. It might seem like I used a filter, because I dimmed the lights. I didn’t. It turns blue (but turns white too, at different times). I like it because I have the purity of the Buddha symbolism with the white Lotus AND the Egyptian symbolism of the Egyptian Blue Lotus, combined... However I wish to perceive it at times, and tune into. And, the symbolism of my growing out of this muck I’m in right now. It’s kinda pretty for being inexpensive. The lighting makes it hard to tell, the chain and Lotus flower are silver. Feeling in a little shock again over my grandpa’s plaque. I’ll share it put together soon. Taking a breather first, instead of pushing myself emotionally. I’m kinda in overload with everything.. How are you doing? 

TFBM GPOY :) 

Also...

Happy Birthday, Alex! Love and miss you!! 💕

When Alex was preparing for her death, she asked me what of hers did I want. I told her I didn’t know, to decide for me. Well, I guess what she had labeled as mine, as well as some Disney collectibles she had labeled for the children, and other belongings, her mother went through all first and took what she wanted. (I have three things Alexandria (her cousin, Alex introduced T to Alexandria) gave to me from the leftovers.) Her mom also grabbed Alex’s urn and quickly left after spending a little time at the services. Everyone was gossiping about it. Who else should have kept it? For Alex, it was a final act of proof of her mother’s love for her, what she always wanted from her mother. She loved her mother, and if anything, was as understanding as she could be of her ways. If you remember, her mother was and is a drug addict who couldn’t handle being there for Alex while growing up (left in her grandfather’s care when not in foster care) nor when she was in the hospital. She glared intensely at me, because she knew I took on the part, and in her excitable, tweaking manner she left and never returned - not because of me. Being young, and being treated by young nurses, Alex was modest about their help with showering. She asked me to help her shower, because she knew I wouldn’t stare and judge, that I’d be more motherly - her words. I also knew how to help calm her down when she would go into a severe anxiety attack, from years of being close. I did the same for her the day she died when she kept taking off the oxygen mask, becoming too frantic about a sudden surge of visitors arriving. Her last boyfriend’s mother gave me a look like, how dare you talk to her like that when she’s lying here dying. I didn’t say anything mean or harsh, lol. I spoke with a parental authority tone, what she craved. She calmed down. It’s not to pat myself on the back... I want to point out that paying attention to what someone needs is important. Just the act of my directing her into calming down, and placing the oxygen mask back over her mouth and nose, helped her to calm down. She squeezed my hand and shook her head in acknowledgement. When her ‘God-Mother’ (her mother’s friend) started to take over things in her last few days, she didn’t show up, but she called several times asking Alex too many questions... I answered her phone that day and she wanted to know who I was, but once we talked a while, she started to ask me those questions instead. One was, does she want a priest to come in and read her her last rites? I asked Alex, in one simple question leaving out the details. She said, yes (anything to ease her fear). I told her God-Mother to hurry. It had to be today. Because she hadn’t come to see her, she was in shock by that, and said she’d see what she could do. He arrived a few hours later. Her God-Mother didn’t. And with a room full of people, standing aside so they could comfort her and take a part in it, no one stepped forward... in fact, they all kind of sunk into the walls. Her last boyfriend’s mom was there, too (who she lived with for a while), and I thought she’d want to step up in a motherly way and as a Catholic, but I think it was too much for her in the moment. So, as weak and sedated as Alex was, she couldn’t really follow in raising her arms, so I stepped up and held her hands up for her... and took part in the ceremony. After the priest anointed her head and blessed her with a prayer, Amen, Alex loudly burst out, “AMEN!” lol (like, 1. to be entertaining and make her visitors smile 2. thank God it’s over... not the ceremony, but the finality with a blessing). I softly giggled and leaned in close to her saying, “God, I love you!” She gave me a big smile. And this, I know I probably shouldn’t have said it, but I did. We had an honest relationship... I knew she wouldn’t take it as something inappropriate. One thing said, When you leave, try to talk to me. I can hear you in my mind. You won’t be alone. I’ll be with you. “Okay, I’ll try. But I don’t think I can.” Yes, you can. Speak to me with your mind. You won’t be alone. I’ll be with you. Even now as you rest. I’ll be able to hear you. “Okay, I will. I’ll concentrate.” You don’t need to concentrate. Just relax and talk to me with your thoughts. “Okay.” And, I wasn’t entirely certain she would have died that night, but she died a couple of hours after I left and telling her, I love you. I have to go. “What? You have to go?” I have to go... and I looked into her eyes and said it again, I have to go. 

T, Alex, friend. Taken @Star Image Brea Mall. So young! :) I found the envelope of these photos in this box...

Mixed Stone GemTree belonged to Alex, one little thing... I’ll share a few more later. Are you seeing this?

Here are the three things Alexandria picked up for me that belonged to Alex, all in the gold box. I know Alex labeled a few books for me, because she mentioned it once, but I don’t know what they were. I never found out what happened to her ESA cat, Peter (named after Peter Pan). I hope the cousin she was living with kept him or someone took him into a good home. 

It was hard to get one pic of the little details of this box.  I got the box and necklace at the Cleopatra Exhibit on  September 13, 2012. Below shows the inside of the box.

That’s called a Sundrop. “Sunshine in a drop of glass.  Melted with focused sunlight and shaped by gravity,  colorful glass naturally forms a signature droplet shape.”

These too. Canopic jar replicas that open. Anubis & Horus.

Also inside the gold box, a keepsake of my dad’s urn, and my dad’s mom and dad’s, my Grammie and Gramps (what they liked to be called), Christmas ornament celebrating 50 years together. If you remember, my Gramps, George John Kallio, was Finnish, and raised my dad from youth although not his natural son. My dad used the last name Kallio in his lifetime, but when he joined the service he had to switch back to Rogers.

There have been many other losses in my lifetime, and now I’m facing more, tho different. Physical loss & the loss of a home at the same time are hardest. I need something to look forward to.

I just have to get this out. 2016 was a hard year. It doesn’t feel like 3 years ago already, because I was never given the chance to properly grieve. (January 31, 2016) Laurie’s mom, like a second mom to me, unexpectedly died. Then (March 4, 2016) Henry, pool league captain, a mentor about T, and friend, unexpectedly died. The league officials called me first, knowing how much I admired him, not wanting me to hear about it second hand. Very thoughtful. Then Alex, was born on the 14th and died on the 14th (March 14, 2016). My dad, whose health took a sudden turn for the worst and died (July 27, 2016). Rough year. Especially when all of their birthdays followed close behind. My dad’s birthday is coming up, September 24th.

TFBM 🙏🏻

“I have longed for people before,  I have loved people before. Not like this.  It was not this.  Give me a world,  you have taken the world I was.”

— Anne Carson  (Source: violentwavesofemotion)

There was an Irish Blessing TFBM yesterday that I didn’t save and now I can’t retrieve it. I was going to share it for/to you. But, when I went to look for it online, this kept standing out. My Grammie always proudly proclaimed her Irish heritage and Alex was wearing the Shamrock cap... IDK, I choose to believe it’s from one or both (to me?). Why not?!

Here’s what’s happening with my Gramps burial flag display... In order to make it fit I would have to try to cram it in or refold it (and I don’t want to do that!), so I’m returning the shadow box and will seek another one of different dimensions. Most likely I’ll get a square or rectangle shadow box and put in the military pins of my grandfather’s, that I kept - explained below, and a copy of the book I have with original cover colors my gramps painted, although I do like the revised edition, too. The author said, “I just received this picture of George Kallio, featured in the book, from Gary Simmons, also featured in the book. George painted this picture which is of the Ardmore, OK's first airport, built in 1920-1921. This was the last painting George completed before becoming too ill to do what he loved. George painted the original covers for the book, The Night A Fortress Fell To Fairfield. The cover for the Revised Edition was modified a tiny bit, but his original drawing was maintained to show the failing aircraft ready to crash.”

The rest is coming in a little while. Instead of a link, I had to revise incorrect parts, and will paste it in. Only a few little things. It says that my grandparents moved to Fort Worth, TX and settled there after my grandpa’s retirement. My Grammie and dad, as a youth, lived in Fort Worth, TX and her relatives lived in Ardmore, where my Gramps was stationed. My dad never lost the TX accent entirely. It would come out at times, and some of my friends would make me laugh by the way they’d ask, “Wha...Your dad has an accent? What kind of accent is that?! Where is your dad from?” Also, I thought it was funny that my cousins in OK, and their friends, were all amazed by what they called my “California accent” and couldn’t get over it, and kept bringing it up anytime I spoke. I would then say, I don’t have an accent... you do! My Grammie had more of a soft southern accent. I think a mix, more Oklahoman. She was very ladylike in ways I’d have to find an actress to play the part and direct her just to show you what I’m talking about. The other little mistake, they got the two name part right, but spelled my name Carol. And, only used one name, Tara. You’ll understand when I add the rest. I included T’s full given name to my slight revision. Don’t search for the book...... I’ll provide the link.

Finally heard from T... God, the communication sucks! They were supposed to answer me... not the other way around. Maybe by not responding right away, T will go back and read the last text I sent. So much like me when I was young & now.

Here’s one for Alexandria... 

Last time they were over (on Labor Day) she was making plans with my brother for Knott’s Halloween Haunt! I think I need to email them both what I wrote about my preliminary diagnosis and what I found out about disability insurance, etc. Of course I’ll tell them nicely first, that this is what I’m facing, please read the email. They already know that we need to get going before snow season and to move before our move, if we wait until spring, they might have to sign a year lease (most places require it now), or lose more moving money by continuing to pay the extra rent they incurred when a roommate moved out.

These came today... the oils are to arrive on Friday. I’ll wait to add the rest after I know you’re ready...

I wonder if he has any fur left... all stuck to the tape, lol. One moment, he bit through with his fangs... they got stuck!

OK  

My grandpa’s obituary (I don’t know who wrote it):

George John Kallio, 92, of Ardmore, Oklahoma, passed away on Wednesday, June 19, 2013. Funeral services will be 10:30 a.m. Saturday, June 22, 2013, in The Chapel at Griffin~Hillcrest with Pastor Terry Tolbert officiating. Services will conclude in The Chapel with private interment to follow.

Born on June 25, 1920, to Joseph and Selma (Tuohino) Kallio, George was one of nine siblings born to immigrant parents who came to America from Finland in 1904. His parents met on the boat and were married a short time later. Settling in Peabody, Massachusetts, they later moved to a small Finnish community on the tip of Cape Ann, Massachusetts. His parents could not speak English until later in life. The children had a difficult time as they started school, as they neither understood nor spoke English. The family moved to Gloucester, Massachusetts, when George was 14. Gloucester citizens consisted of Italian, Portuguese, Finnish, English nationalities and others. George’s father worked all his life in the granite quarries of the area.

George enlisted in the U.S. Army Air Corps, September 1, 1940, serving during WWII as a Tech Sergeant and Flight Engineer Instructor at Ardmore Army Air Field, instructing hundreds of B-17 combat crew flight engineers, in the classroom and sky, prior to the crew’s assignment overseas. He was assigned to Ardmore in October 1943. Earlier, while at Ephrata AAF, Washington, he and three crew members bailed out of a distressed B-17, at 10:30 p.m. February 3, 1943, at 14,000 feet in a blinding snowstorm near Fairfield, Washington. He spent the night wrapped in his parachute in hip-deep snow until daylight when he walked to a farmhouse. This event, 66 years later, became the subject of a book, “The Night a Fortress Fell to Fairfield” authored by the granddaughter of the farm owner, S.J. Buob, where the aircraft crashed. In 2009, George became a belated member of the “Caterpillar Club,” a unique organization open only to those who parachuted under life threatening circumstances.

Dottie Ralls, the love of his life, rode the train to Great Bend, Kansas, after he was transferred there from Ardmore, in October 1944. When she arrived, a Justice of the Peace, located a few blocks from the depot, married them. Not a church wedding, but maybe it qualified, as the Justice of the Peace’s last name was Moses.

After the War, George became a commercial artist through determination, four years of night school and support from the GI Bill. He was fully employed in that field for 50 years, retiring in 1985. Following retirement, George and Dottie moved from Van Nuys, CA back to Ardmore, OK where they lived for over 20 years. Dottie died in 2002 in Ardmore after complications of an abdominal condition. George served for a period of time as a Charge of Quarters volunteer at the Military Memorial Museum in Ardmore. (Where his close friend and historian, Gary Simmons, set up a memorial displaying my grandfather’s Caterpillar Club pin and his story. He broke down crying and hugged me when he asked if I would consider a Deed of Gift of the rare pin, saying it would mean a lot to him, and I answered him, along the lines of; Of course! It would be an honor and how better to honor my grandpa!)

In later years, George spent a portion of his time producing unique pen and ink drawings that he “embellished” with color from acrylic paint, pastel chalks or pencils. “Daily Ardmoreite” made others aware of his skill in its December 3, 2006, edition. George was the artist who designed the cover for the book authored by Claudia Hagen, granddaughter of S. J. Buob. George was a member of Trinity Church of Ardmore.

He was preceded in death by his parents; wife, Dottie (Ralls) Kallio; three sisters; and four brothers.

George is survived by his son, Ron Rogers; granddaughter, Caryl Beth Rogers; great-granddaughter, Tara Kristyn Paulson; sister, Laura Murray; sisters-in-law, Charlyn Ralls, Inez Ralls and JoAnn Rush; brother-in-law, Wayne Ralls and wife, Ozelle; dearest friend, Gary Simmons; and numerous nieces, nephews, relatives and friends.

My grandma’s full name: Dorothy Alice Ralls (Kallio), aka Dottie. Makes me think of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and Alice from Alice in Wonderland :)

Blizzard wreckage of B-17 Flying Fortress (parachute escape).

George Kallio and Gary Simmons.

I know I’ve never met anyone sweeter than my grandpa, ever! Look at that photo of him when he was young... I was so blessed to have him as my grandpa. So blessed! My grandma would sometimes act jealous that I was so attached to him. I loved her so, too. But she was fussy, lol. My grandpa was kind and generous and comforting. And, although American, I think being raised within the Finnish culture, he was different, interesting, and crafted things for me... One was a wooden chair, with a high back, and a seat that opened like a toy box. He painted it with my name and a little blonde girl (me) and flowers... he also painted my name with a fancy design around it on a bicycle they bought for me, and kept at their house, so we could ride bikes when I’d visit. And, most magical, he crafted a big wooden, musical (I don’t know what they’re called) carousel-like box with dolls and horses that went in and out and round and round... God, I wish I had photos or video... I know there was more, but it’s hard to recall. These are the grandparents who gave me my piano on my 9th birthday. They asked me to promise to always keep it, and I have, but it needs to be restored. My brother ruined it in ways and even dropped it down the stairs when moving it once, when my mom let him take it when he moved out, when she was keeping it at her house. I couldn’t keep it with me at that time. Still, she had no right. And, my grandparents bought antiques and collectibles for me that my dad kept for me at his house, to be given to me when I had a home of my own, but he divorced his wife before then and she kept them all. My grandparents confronted her about it and she said that they’re in the will for me! What will? And, I’m old now. My grandparents wanted me to enjoy them in my life, in my home. They didn’t argue with her about it. She’s like a Martha Stewart type. Interior designer for a while, art teacher, gourmet cooking, she collects antiques. Her home was featured in House and Gardens once... and, she won 1st place for her yard and garden designs in Orange County a number of times. She still lives in Santa Ana, close to South Coast Plaza, in the same house where my dad lived. That house was fun... and the bathroom I used was gothic, but pretty, and eerie. We still keep in touch on occasion. I called her when my dad was dying. She wasn’t interested in visiting him, and only wanted to talk about herself, so I never answered her last letter after he died. I called to let her know, but got her machine and I knew she had surgery planned that day, would be recovering, so I didn’t leave a message. Anyway, this is depressing me now. I wasn’t expecting to add this part... but, I did.

OK, I wrote T back and they started talking about moving to Palmdale first! We can do this and that and it gives us time, so I said a little to explain why it’s important I move out of state as soon as possible, even if alone, mostly for healthcare. But to explain more that I’d be sending an email, which explained the disability insurance and all. I also sent the pictures and story of my grandpa and what I said about him here, my piano and stepmom. A little more was said in text, then this, with a few things left out. Easier to add this way. When talking to T, Grandpa is my Grandpa Kallio and Papa is my dad.

TFBM

“Color, like life, contains such fine nuances” –Matthias Pilsl

The shell casings, from my grandpa’s 21-gun salute, I thought about including in the shadow box with his burial flag, book, picture(s), pins and medals. But, the shells aren’t pretty at all. Not a shiny gold or brass, but rather a bleak black. I read somewhere that displaying 3 is symbolic, but I’m not sure it is for WWII. I’ll look into it first. 

I don’t think my gramps felt he deserved it or really cared about being recognized for service early in his life. He never talked about it... to me, at least. I think once Gary pulled the B-17 wreckage story out of him and began to share other memorial stories my grandpa became more accepting of it. 

A wood garden box he crafted later in life for my grandma.

My grammie on the left. With a thick head of hair like that  I can understand the hair accessories she wore, like the ones  shared before... Maybe I’ll come across more photos where  we can see them adorning her hair. (Both died on the 19th.)

I found two Finnish dictionaries in his belongings and I have one myself he sent to me, so now I have three. All different. I also found a picture of his dad and first wife, who died during childbirth. His half-brother stayed behind in Finland with his grandparents, I believe. My grandpa would write to him all the time and used these dictionaries to help him when he’d get stuck remembering words. He subscribed to publications in the language later in life to refresh. I’m hoping to come across photos of his mother. There are photos I found that could be her, but no info written on the backs, so I’m not sure. 

Here’s a photo of my stepmom and dad when they married. 

A couple of photos of my silly kid my grandpa had in his belongings. There are many others, surprisingly. My gramps took tons of photos of me growing up when little and I’m feeling sad that I haven’t come across any... a random one or two. I have another box to go through, but I don’t think photos are in it. I don’t know if my dad ended up with them and now they’re gone or if I’ll come across them when I keep going through things. It’s depressing me. I wanted to find the photos of me with my grandpa. There’s one I’m thinking of where I have my arms wrapped around his neck, hanging on from his back, in a swimming pool. Real young. I also wanted to find photos of some of the things he crafted for me. I can’t imagine where the photos would be now, if not in his belongings. Maybe if I contact my stepmom, if she’s still alive now, she’d have some to give to me. I guess T & Alexandria are coming over tonight. My brother invited them for the season premier of American Horror Story.

Some stuffed animals T doesn’t want...

"Maze II" by James Jean, Graphite and Digital, 2013. My candy lollipop. Still working my way through.

My dad became paralyzed in 2004. Medical hell. Now I’ll be facing my own. In a lot of pain today. Coming across pics of animals I lost recently, too. It feels like a never ending stream.  You want music? OK :) Here’s this for now:

[wildernessuntothemselves]

Manspreading (Part 3)

Word Count: 9k Summary:  “Don’t bring the dog into this. He’s young and he doesn’t need this kind of stuff pushed on him. He’ll grow up to have issues.”  “Very funny, Tae. You’re a real funny guy. You know what else is funny? Your chances of sleeping in the same bed as me this month.”

Part 1, Part 2, Part 4, Epilogue It wasn’t at all unusual for you to wake up smothered by the sixty-two kilograms of pure heat and clinginess that was Kim Taehyung. What was unusual however was how inappropriately naked the both of you were at the moment, and the suspiciously hard thing pressing against your side. You’ve been awake for a good while now having an internal breakdown and devising increasingly elaborate plans to get yourself out of Taehyung’s loving death-grip. You wonder if you could slip out of his arms for a quick reprieve in the shower before you have to really face him, because right now you couldn’t think very clearly when he was so close to you and his addicting scent was bombarding your brain. He was always a heavy sleeper, and you figured you had a fairly good chance of slipping away without waking him up. When your eyes opened up and met his entirely too awake ones, you nearly jumped out of your skin.

A screech escapes you and you struggle to get out of his hold, which only causes him to hold on to you tighter. “Whoa, hey, calm down. It’s just me.” His attempt to calm you down only sends you further into frenzy. You’re very much aware who exactly is in bed with you, that’s the fucking problem. His arms were around your bare breasts and the more you struggled, the more his dick rubbed against your naked body so you stopped moving entirely. “Um, Tae, could you please give me some space. You’re kinda…” You trailed off, hoping he would catch on, but all he gave you was a puzzled look, thick eyebrows knitted together and lips puckered in an adorable pout. Damn, was he always this kissable? You shake your head, “You’re poking me with your dick, Tae.” You could’ve been less blunt about it but you needed to snap yourself out of this as much as him. Taehyung’s eyes widen and you imagined that you could see the exact path of the blood vessels as they opened up to flush his face red. He jumps back and cowers into the covers so that only his eyes and the top of his hair are seen. “Sorry” He mumbles.   You cover yourself with the sheets as well and reach out a hand to smoothen his messy bedhead. The color of his face gradually turn back to that golden bronze you love so much. “Tae, we need to talk.” You cringe at how cliché that sounded. Great, couldn’t you have chosen a more beaten-to-the-ground opener to start the talk that would break your best friend’s heart? Taehyung got up immediately, forgetting all about decency, “That doesn’t sound good.” “It isn’t, but I need to say it.” “No, you don’t. We don’t have to say anything.” “Tae, listen to me.” You sighed. “No, you listen to me. I know what you’re going to say. You’re gonna say that this was a mistake and that we should just pretend it never happened. That we’ve been best friends for years and  we’d be fools to risk losing that for something that might not even work out. That all friends who cross that line think they’re gonna make it. They think they won’t allow themselves to be torn apart like many others before them, that it’s never gonna be them, that their love is strong enough… but they end up losing everything in the end all the same.” “That’s… exactly what I was going to say.” You were impressed. Here you were thinking of how exactly to break it to him and he was already one step ahead of you. Taehyung smiles at you wistfully, “I’m not as much of an idiot as you think I am, pumpkin. I listen.” You open your mouth to protest but you remember his request and close it again. He deserves for you to hear him out. He holds your hand in between his own big and warm ones, “I know you think that I’m just a hopeless romantic and that real life is nothing like my cheesy fantasies but I believe in us. I knew you were the one the moment I saw you.” You rolled your eyes and he hurried to continue, “The more I got to know you the more I became sure of it. We are meant to be together.” “No one is meant to be together, and we’re nothing alike.” “Opposites attract” “Yes, but they’re like fire and gasoline. They burn quickly and die quickly. Now people with similarities, those are the ones who last. Those are the ones who can build lasting relationships together.” “We’ve been friends for almost two decades.” He protested. “Yes, but friendship is one thing and relationships are a whole other thing, I could disagree with you on most everything and the friendship might still work but a romantic relationship is not as forgiving.” “Ok, fine, how about this... Do you love me?” You sighed, “Tae, It’s not a matter of love.” “It’s a one word answer, pumpkin, yes or no?” It was redundant for him to even ask you that. You said it with every look that you gave him, with every smile that he drew from your cynical lips, with every embrace with which he made you feel like there never existed a single human being who was ever loved more than he loved you. “Yes”   “And I love you. Now tell me, will you really be able to end this today and go on with the rest of your life without wondering, every single day, what would’ve happened if you’ve just given us a chance?” Your eyes welled up with tears. He was right. Deep down you always knew this day would come, but all the years you had to prepare for it did nothing to quell that fear of something that was more terrible than monsters in your closet and more real than your fear of failure, “No, but I just don’t want to lose you.” “Pumpkin,” Taehyung cupped your tear-stained face in his hands and bent down to press a sweet kiss to your wet lips, “You’ll never lose me. I promise.”

The first days of your relationship were among the most nerve-racking of your life. It felt like you were a bride, all dressed up in your whites and standing on a curb with an ominous puddle lying just in front of you on the concrete, just waiting for a car to pass by to ruin your best day. Taehyung was ever the optimistic ray of sunshine he always was. He wasn’t dissuaded at all by your bleak prophecies. He was excited enough for the both of you… and maybe for a few other people as well. Having had no experience with dating before, he often surprised you –or rather scared and shocked you- with several grand gestures of love or meticulously planned over-the-top dates that he seemingly pulled out of a romcom marathon. After you’d confronted him about it one day, he admitted that that was exactly the case. You got so caught up in his strange antics and forced escapades that, for a while, you forgot about your perceived doomed fate. And when month passed and that car never came and your white dress remained as crisp and spotless as ever, you started thinking that maybe the reason you have such a hard time seeing eye to eye with Taehyung was because your stance is just as extreme as his. Maybe the real world lies somewhere in between your opposite ends of the scale, and one day you might be able to meet halfway and build on the strong foundation of love and trust a love that can really last. Well that was the plan anyway, until Park fucking Jimin stepped into your lives and stole your boyfriend from you. He slithered his way into Taehyung’s heart and charmed the socks off of him, and now he had Taehyung wrapped around his freakishly tiny finger. OK, so you may be exaggerating a little bit. Taehyung and Jimin are just friends and if you had met Jimin under any other circumstances you would’ve gushed about how he was a total sweetheart and thought he was downright lovely, but that wasn’t the case, and the fact remained that he was hogging up all of Taehyung’s time and leaving barely anything for you. Sure, Taehyung The Boyfriend remained. The one who gave you gentle kisses, took you out on fun (and no longer fantastical) dates, and made your nights so much sexier than they’ve ever been… but Taehyung The Best Friend was making fewer appearances each day and that pissed you off. Taehyung was your best friend for years upon years before that scheming goblin came along, but now suddenly he was the favorite? That was unacceptable. You can’t just steal someone’s best friend. There has to be an unwritten cosmic rule against or something. You turn around on the couch and press you face against the pillow you were resting your head on, using it as a muffling device to tone down your screams of frustration and anger. Fuck Jimin for stealing your best friend and fuck Taehyung for letting him. Speaking of the devil, Taehyung throws your apartment door open and proclaims dramatically, “Baby, I’m home.” And then he giggles, “God, I love saying that word. I will never get tired of it.” He says before he runs over and jumps on you, crushing you underneath him. “Ugh, Tae, get off!” Your voice was barely heard as his weight almost collapsed your chest in, and you considered the possibility that you might die one day from his uncontrollable affection. “Hmm, let me think.” He taps a finger on his chin in mock contemplation, “Nope!” He grabs you and smothers you in kisses like an excited puppy. You wanted to give in to him; he was so adorable it actually hurt, but you were too grumpy now for his cutesy display so you do the only thing that would actually get him off: you knee him in the groin. All breath whooshes out of him and he falls back screaming. “Oh stop being so dramatic” You roll your eyes. You didn’t even hit him that hard. He gives you a betrayed look and says, “Dramatic? You might have just broken my family jewels. How are we gonna have children? We’re gonna have to buy some random dude’s sperm now.” “God, you’re such a drama queen, and I don’t want your stupid kids anyway, but maybe Jimin does.” You huff and grab your phone, half-heartedly scrolling through your social media. “We’ve talked about it, but he wants to adopt. He says that it would be a tragedy to bring more children into this world when there are already so many who need homes. Isn’t he a sweetheart?” He bats his eyelashes at you, trying to provoke you, but you would never fall down to his level. “Isn’t he a sweetheart” You repeat in an exaggerated imitation of his voice. Well there goes your dignity. Taehyung stares at you in amusement for a second then says dismissively “Anyway… let’s go out! They built a new ride down at the amusement park and I’m dying to try it out.” “Why don’t you ask your boyfriend?” You resolutely continue staring unseeingly at the screen of your phone. He groans and plucks it out of your hands. “Hey give it back!” You reach for it but he gets up and holds it out of your reach. You stand up on the couch to reach it but he moves away. Without really thinking it through you find yourself jumping on his back, “Quit it, you jerk. Give me my phone back.” “Not until you say yes!” He says out of breath and struggling against your wiggling weight on his back. “Well now I won’t.” You seethe. This was definitely not the right way to go about convincing you to do something. You would never reach the phone this way, his arm was longer than yours so you think of another way to get it; you bite down on the skin of his shoulder that was exposed by the “fashionable” alterations he always cut through his sweaters. He grunts in pain and drops the phone, and you immediately unmount and grab it from the floor, checking it for any cracks. “What the fuck, I can’t believe you actually did that. This is so not the way I imagined you biting me.” He wiggled his eyebrows at you suggestively and you shot his innuendo down with a glare. “Jesus, and you’re calling me dramatic. This is why I always choose Jimin over you. You’re never any fun.” He complains but when he sees the genuine hurt in your eyes he quickly backtracks, “Joking, it’s just a joke.” He approaches you and tries to hold you in his arms.

You evade his hands, “No, you’re right. You should’ve asked him instead of me, you’ll have more fun together.”

This would be the part where he would normally stumble over his words trying to make you feel but instead silence fills the room. You look up to see Taehyung scratching the back of his head and kicking at the carpet and realization dawns on you.

“Oh my god, you asked him already, didn’t you? Unbelievable!” You turn around and head for your room, fully intending to lock yourself up and away from his face before you punch him, but he rushes before you and blocks the door.

“No, no, it’s not what you think.”

“Tae, you better get out of the way or not being able to have children will be the least of your concerns.”

“Just listen to m—“

“No! You know what?” You cut him off and poked a finger at him. “We haven’t had quality time alone together for weeks and when you finally think ‘Hey, maybe I should go out with this woman I call my girlfriend’ you decide to bring Jimin?! I have had it with you.”

“Ow! OK first of all quit poking.” He moves your hand away, and rubs his sore chest. “Second of all, I’m doing this for you, for us.”

You snort and turn away. What a load of crap. But he uses the hand he is still holding to turn you back around to face him. “Why don’t you ever listen to me?!” Taehyung says, exasperated. “I invited you both because I want you to get along. You’ve hated his guts since the moment you met him. I understand that you’re jealous but you’ve never even given him a chance, and honestly at this point you’re just being childish.”

Embarrassment descends heavily on you and flushes your face with shame, the heat bubbling the water in your eyes and threatening to spill hot tears over your cheeks. Taehyung, the guy who for all intents and purposes was still a six year old, was calling you childish, and the worst part was that he was right. He just didn’t understand your reasons and you were too ashamed to tell him.

Taehyung doesn’t notice the hundred-miles gaze in your eyes and you’re thankful for that. “I love you, ___. You’re the most important person in my life. Jimin is new but he’s quickly becoming someone I really treasure. I can’t have the love of my life hate someone so precious to me. So will you please give him a chance? I’m sure if you do, if you just open up your heart to him, you will absolutely adore him.”

Taehyung waits for your answer but when you take too long, he cups your face and makes you look at him, “Pumpkin?”

“Fine.”

“Yay!” Taehyung gushes and attacks your face with a kiss. “But when we meet up with Jimin later, can you maybe not look like someone who is expecting a date with the grim reaper?”

You give him an unamused smile. “Aw babe, don’t be like that. One day you’ll find your special someone too.”

“You little bitch” You scoff, “Are you the same guy who was begging me to date him in the first place?”

“I wasn’t begging.” Taehyung flushes.

“You were, and not just that one time. ‘Ooohhh, ___, You feel sooo gooood. Give me more, please. I need you, baby pleeease!’” You lowered your pitch and moaned out loudly.

“I don’t sound like that, and don’t pretend like you didn’t enjoy it too.” Taehyung protested but his cheeks were inflamed.

“Eh, you were alright.”

“Alright?!” If Taehyung was a cartoon character, smoke would be shooting out of his ears right about now. In all honesty, you loved sex with Taehyung. He wasn’t the most experienced partner but the intimacy was real and there were years’ worth of sexual tension that still hasn’t dissipated. “I’ll show you ‘alright’.”

He shoves you against the wall and devours your scream of surprise in an open-mouthed kiss. Well, this is new. Taehyung was never this forward before. He prods your mouth with his tongue but you refuse to let him in. If he wants to “win” this, you weren’t going to make it easy for him. Plus this was so much more fun. He makes a small sound of annoyance in the back of his throat then he starts moving towards your neck, his tongue making up for the rejection earlier.

“Baby…” He whispered in your ear, all airy and lustful, and you knees get weak. He was doing that on purpose; he knew what that does to you, but two could play at this game. You wound your fingers in his hair and tugged, knowing how much he likes that, and took the moment’s reprieve to attack him with your mouth. You couldn’t reach his neck so you went for his collarbone, sucking on it harshly. His head fell on your shoulder and he moaned into your neck, this time involuntarily. You smirked as it occurred to you that because of Taehyung’s fashion choices his collar bone is frequently visible, so you set about marking it.

By the moans that were coming from him you thought you had him, but then he suddenly groped your breast. You don’t wear bras at home so the only barrier between your sensitive nipple and his hand was the thin material of the shirt you stole from him, and he took that to his full advantage, his large hand engulfing your entire breast and squeezing it. Your mouth finally leaves his collarbone as you moan and he takes the opportunity to kiss you again, slipping his tongue in your mouth without any resistance from you, but not for the reason he thinks.

While he is distracted with the kiss, you slip you hand between your bodies, which was easy to do since Taehyung was careful not to get too close to you, or he might get weak. You massage him through his pants, and thank the stars for Taehyung’s aversion to jeans because he just made this so much easier for you.

He broke away from you with a groan, “You’re cheating.”

“How am I cheating?” You tease, tongue sticking out. He gets distracted by it and takes it between his lips, sucking on it before he pulls back with an adorable whine. “I don’t know you just are.”

“Fine, if this is how you want to play…” He slides his hand between your legs and under your panties, spreading the wetness gathered there and rubbing you slowly, leaving you gasping.

“Your pussy is so fucking wet from just a little kissing. You can’t tell me I don’t get you weak, doll.”

You tried. You really tried so hard not to do it. Taehyung’s fingers felt really good between your legs but you couldn’t take his dirty talk with a straight face, and you burst out laughing. Taehyung flinched backed, looking absolutely humiliated.

“Tae, I’m so sorry.”

He removes his hands from you and steps back, “It’s alright. It doesn’t hurt at all to know that the girl I’ve been in love with since preschool thinks I’m so unsexy that doing this stuff with me still makes her laugh. It’s cool.” He shrugs.

“No, you’re sexy. You’re so sexy.”  

He scoffs but you continue, cupping his face in your hands and saying, “Your eyes are so sexy when you get horny and you look at me like you want to eat me up, and your lips…” You kiss him. “They’re so soft…” kiss “and when you talk and they get all pouty…” kiss “I could just kiss them all day…” You pull him in for a long kiss that leaves him breathless. “And your body…”

“Yeah?” He shudders, eyes still closed.

“You don’t know how many times I have touched myself to the thought of this body.” You took his shirt off and kissed down his body till you were on your knees. “And this cock…” You pulled his pants down and stroked him. He folded over, steadying himself with his hands on the wall behind you. “I can never see this cock without wanting to ride it until you cream.” You pull him in your mouth, circling your tongue around the tip and stroking the shaft with your hand. He moans and scrunches up his face.

“Look at me, Tae.” You look him in the eye as you swipe his dick over your lips. “I’m at your feet, pussy dripping on the floor just from the sight of your cock. How can you say I don’t think you’re sexy? Maybe this will change your mind.”

You take him as deep into your mouth as you can and give him a tap on the ass, giving him the permission to fuck your mouth. He thrusts slowly, mesmerized by the slide of his dick in and out of your mouth but he soon gets lost in the pleasure and sets a harsher pace. You try to breathe through your nose and relax your throat for him, but he was big and every so often you pulled away for breath, gasping and coughing.

You looked up at him, seeing him breathing heavily and looking at you with a hunger in his eyes that never died down since that first time. You snaked a hand between your legs and used the other one to stroke him, his dick wet from fucking your throat. “You still think you’re not sexy?”

“No, you’re very convincing.” He chocked.

“Don’t blow your load yet. I need this in me.” You gave him a final squeeze and got to your knees, pushing him on the bed and straddling him. You sink down on his length, and lean forward to kiss him, giving yourself a moment to adjust to his size. He grabs the hem of your shirt, but instead of taking it completely off, he pulls the front of it over your head so it was bunched up behind your neck, the sleeves still on your arms.

You give him a quizzical look and he says sheepishly, “I see it in porn all the time. I kinda like it.”

You bite your lip and smirk, “Grab my wrists.”

Taehyung looks confused but he does what you say. You move your hands behind you back with Taehyungs’ holding onto the wrists, “Keep my hands there and fuck up into me, baby.”

Taehyung could’ve cum just from that. You hover a little bit over him and he eagerly bucks up. You moan as he holds your body in place and his dick slides rapidly in and out of you. You didn’t even know Taehyung could thrust that fast, and his hold on your wrists was tight enough to bruise but you didn’t care.

“You feel so good inside of me, Tae. You fit so perfectly. If anything is meant to be it would be your cock and my pussy.”

Taehyung doesn’t appreciate your joke, but that only makes him thrust faster so who was the real winner here? His grip on your wrists was getting loose and you could tell he was close to his orgasm. You didn’t want him to finish before you did so you slipped your hands from his hold and planted them on his chest, bracing yourself as you hopped wildly on his dick, but you quickly realized that this was only getting him closer to release so you gave up, choosing instead to swivel your hips in sharp circles.

Taehyung let out a tortured moan, “Baby, I was almost there.” This must be hard for him. He was so close you could feel him shuddering beneath you, his hands trying to grasp your hips and make you ride him again, but you don’t allow it.

“I’m sorry sweetie, hold on, just a little bit more.” You just needed a little push so you wound your fingers in Taehyung’s hair and pulled him up, pushing his face against your breasts where he immediately got to work, licking and biting.

The slide of his cock against your walls, the brush of your clit against his crotch, and the sweep of his tongue around your nipple flung you into an orgasm that had you seeing not only stars but galaxies.

You continued riding him after you came, tolerating the pain of oversensitivity to give him what he’s just given you. It didn’t take him long to follow you over the edge, and you watched him try to keep his eyes on you even as the orgasm racing through his body fought to close them, until he was looking at you through the smallest slit in between his eyelids.

Was there anything you wouldn’t do to keep this man? No.

You swallowed down all your jealousy and anxiety, or as much of it as you could, and readied yourself to spend an entire day with Taehyung and Jimin. You are going to do great. You’re going to be so much fun to be around that Jimin would look like drying paint in comparison to you. You’re going to prove your fears wrong.

Taehyung is a fucking dork. You’re starting to regret ever befriending him, let alone being stupid enough to go out with him. When the both of you had reached the amusement park and met up Jimin, the atmosphere was a bit tense, not only because you didn’t like the guy but because he was aware of it, and the both of you knew exactly what the purpose of this outing was which put a lot of pressure on you, but you were still prepared to make an effort. You loved Taehyung and you didn’t want to be the cause of any awkwardness between him and his friend. Your goal was to at least learn to tolerate him so Taehyung would be happy. But that giant idiot hit the self-destruct button on himself. He was so eager for the both of you to get along that he took up the entire space with forced conversation and left no room for the natural flow of potential friendship between you and Jimin. He went on and on spouting off inane statements and questions like, “___, is so smart she used to correct the teachers. They used to get so mad at her. Isn’t that hilarious?” or “Jimin is the only son in between four daughters so he’s learned to be very sensitive and he really understands women. Isn’t he the best?” to which the both of you would smile politely and nod. ‘This is a disaster.’ You think to yourself as you stand in an awkward silence next to Jimin while Taehyung attempts to shoot for a prize at a game stand. You pretend to be really preoccupied with what he’s doing so you won’t have to face the awkwardness of making small talk with Jimin. You almost feel sorry for the guy. He is just as uncomfortable as you are, but then you remember that you have no sympathy for friend-stealers. “So um, Tae tell me that you guys have been friends for a really long time.” Jimin breaks the silence and you cringe. You thought you could do it. You thought you could come out, hang out with them and prove that you could have fun and play nice with Jimin, but now all you can think about is how much you’d rather put your head on the bottom of the histriker game and have the rubber hammer replaced with a real one. You gritted your teeth and gave out a “yes”. Not taking the hint, he kept on talking, “You know, Tae talks about you all the time.” “Really?” You smiled brightly. “He is never home anymore but gosh hearing that he talks about me sure is exciting.” You let the smile drop in his face, and you stare at each other tensely for a few second before you’re interrupted by a screaming Taehyung. “I won.” He says happily, waving around two dolls. “One pretty doll for my pretty doll.” He laughs at his own joke and hands it to you, “And one duck for my duck-lipped friend.” He teases. “Thanks, man.” “Whoa, you’re taking it without a fight?” Taehyung laughs and then he looks between the two of you, seeming to finally notice the tension. “Is everything all right?” You exchange a look with Jimin. You couldn’t handle this. All day you’ve tried to like Jimin. It shouldn’t have been hard. He was an objectively great guy, but seeing the way Taehyung acted around him made you realize that your worst fears about yourself were true, and with each passing hour you felt yourself become less and less friendly. You felt ill, from the realization and from the rides. You hated amusement parks. You were always stressed enough as it is, you didn’t need the extra adrenaline, but one look at Taehyung and the downtrodden look on his face, and you knew you would keep going for him. You put on your best smile and said in a peppy voice, “Nothing, we were just talking about how we can’t wait to try the new ride.” Jimin nodded along and Taehyung cheered, “Then, let’s go!”

This was a mistake. A terrible, horrible mistake. This wasn’t a ride, it was a torture device. The twists and turns had you nauseous, your screams of terror were drowned by the pair’s shouts of enjoyment and by the time the ride stopped, you were close to passing out. When the safety belts and harnesses opened up, you jumped down and fell to the ground, dizzy and relieved to finally be on a steady surface. When Taehyung saw you collapse, he almost passed out himself from worry. After sitting down for some time and having your nerves settle down from their down rollercoaster ride, you felt well enough again to function. You wanted to call it a day and go home but you could see that Taehyung, even though he would never say it, really wanted to stay. He rarely got a whole day off like this and he’s been dying to come here for a long time. He must want to go on that ride again. While you could no more put on the “fun” front, you didn’t want to deprive him of his fun, and it’s not like the act was working anyway. So after a dozen times of telling him that you were fine, he finally went away to continue his adventure with Jimin, promising to check back on you often. Which he did… a couple of times in the first hour, but then there was no sign of him. He must have gotten distracted with the games; he had the attention span of a child. Just from looking at the rides, your nausea was beginning to set in again. You called him to tell him that you needed to get home but there was no reply. You called and texted and called again but still nothing. After another hour of silence, you caught a cab and headed home alone, convinced he’d soon realize his fault and come rushing home to find you and cuddle up.

Three hours later there was still no sign of him, and you had broken the wine out. You weren’t supposed to be drinking, especially when you were anxious. It was habit-forming or something, but you couldn’t bear the anxiety gathering in your chest like a swarm of bees, clogging up your windpipe and stinging your heart. The world was spinning too fast around you, so you laid down on the floor hoping it would slow down but all that did was make you feel like your body was being pulled in different directions. Your lungs were held down by gravity and you barely got in breaths big enough to stay alive. Taehyung must be having a blast without you to weigh him down. He had Jimin after all. God, how you hated that name. You’ve never met anyone named Jimin that wasn’t a giant pain in the ass. You hated him so much that if he was standing there in front of you right now, you would smash the wine bottle in his stupid and entertaining face. You’ll even waste alcohol for him, that’s how much he sucked. Or maybe all this anger is just smoke and mirrors meant to hide the terrified girl who is afraid of losing her best friend to someone better. Taehyung and Jimin fit together like a lock and its key, like cookies and milk, like Chandler and Joey, like any fucking thing that was made to fit something else perfectly and doesn’t tolerate a third party. Funny how you and Taehyung are the couple, yet you were always the third wheel in this arrangement. You had sensed it the moment they first interacted. You and Taehyung were together at the national museum, a trip that you had planned to make on your own but that Taehyung insisted on tagging along in, spouting some nonsense about how he can “totally” partake in your interests and that being different doesn’t mean you couldn’t do stuff together. You were so excited to hear him say that. You always thought that the things you liked were boring to him because… well, because he often told you so, but now he was making an effort to get involved in them, and you couldn’t be happier. You were always the one who had to do the stuff that he liked, not that you ever told him that, and now he was finally reciprocating. Taehyung was finally maturing. Of course, you must have been thinking of alternate universe Taehyung because your Taehyung couldn’t handle forty-five minutes of the tour before he threw a fit. When he had whined for the 6th time about how “No one gives a crap, they’re all dead anyway”, you didn’t get a chance to chastise him because your bickering was interrupted by a stranger. “I know! I’ve been contemplating breaking the glass case and impaling myself on that spear just to get a single reaction out of that monotonous monument.” A short, chubby-cheeked guy said referring to your guide, “No offense to the actual statues.” Taehyung’s laughter rang out in the quiet section and bounced off the still relics of ancient times, imparting them with a split-second touch of life before he was promptly hushed by the severe-looking and frowning guide.   “Whoops, you’ve angered it now.” Taehyung said and they both chuckled under their breaths. You scrutinized the pair as they exchanged names and started chatting amiably like two children who have just met on the playground and discovered that they both liked the same superhero. Something in your chest constricted painfully at the thought but you quickly dismissed it, choosing to try to shut up the chatty couple, “Guys, I actually want to pay attention here.” They made a face at you and started moving someplace else where they could talk. You watched their retreating forms and a heaviness settled on your heart at how easily Taehyung abandoned you. Maybe it was stupid, after all they had only just met and the bored Taehyung would’ve jumped on anything that was even slightly entertaining to escape the historical prison you loved so much, but it still hurt. Your train of despairing thoughts was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and slamming shut and pounding footsteps heading for your door. The door-handle jerked furiously up and down, indicating that the person behind it was trying to come in. “____! ____, baby, open the door. I’m so sorry. Please, open the door.” You stayed silent, hoping he would think you were asleep already and leave you alone. You couldn’t face him right now. If you opened the door to him and allowed him to talk to you, you might end up doing something stupid like say how you really feel, and you didn’t want that because what if it turned out to be true? No, you couldn’t handle it. “I know you’re not sleeping. You can never sleep when you’re anxious, and I know you’re really anxious right now, and I’m the jerk who made you feel this way. I’ll do anything to make it up to you, baby, just let me see you. Let me know that you’re OK.” There was no way to trick him, he knew you too well. He never stops knocking on the door; his fists must be bruised by now. You don’t know if his knocks have gotten louder or if your reeling brain is amplifying the noise but it feels like he is pounding on your skull and you don’t think you could bear it much longer. You stumbled to the door and threw it open. “Look it’s my loving boyfriend who finally remembered my existence.” You threw your hands out and the bottle dropped from your hand and shattered on the floor, painting your legs and the carpet red, but you paid it no mind and slurred on, “The light of my life, the shine to my stars.” “Are you drunk?” Taehyung exclaimed and rushed to you, dragging you away from the glass shards. “You’re not supposed to drink. The counselor said your anxiety makes you liable for addiction. You told me you weren’t going to drink again.” “Are you disappointed in me? Did I promise you something and then went back on my word? Do you feel let down? Gee, I wonder how that feels like.” You mocked. “I trusted you, Taehyung. I knew you had the ability to hurt me more than anyone else in the world but I still opened up to you, and you betrayed me.” “Pumpkin, I know what I did was wrong but don’t you think you’re blowing things out of proportion here?“ He said, not understanding your behavior. “You forgot about me for five hours to go play with your friend.” “You said it was okay.” “You said you’ll check up on me.” You fumed. “Something could’ve happened to me. I could’ve been lying dead in a ditch somewhere.” “Don’t say that.” He shrank away as if he could physically get away from the idea. “Is it because you already had me?” “What?” Taehyung didn’t know how to respond to the strange question. “You’ve had a crush on me since preschool, right? And over the years, you must have built up this fantasy version of what it would be like to date me, a version I can never live up to, and now that you have me you’re underwhelmed by how much it doesn’t compare to your imagination. So you can’t stand being around me anymore and you spend all your time with Jimin.” You explained, going off like a mad scientist. “What? No, what are you talking about!” “Or, or maybe I was just something that you needed to get out of your system. You’ve befriended me all these years so you could have me and now that you did, you have no use for me anymore.” “OK, sweetie, you’re losing it here. That’s not it at all. I love you, I still do and I always will.” “Then what?” “What?” “You just said ‘that’s not it’, then there must be an ‘it’. What is it?” “No, no there is no it. There was never an it.” Taehyung’s babbled. If you were sober, you wouldn’t have missed the way his face paled and sweat beaded at his hairline. “It’s just… it’s because Jimin is new, and you know how friendships are always exciting and fun when they’re new, but what you and I have is so much deeper. We might not have that need to see each other all the time like with Jimin but it’s more solid and stable.” “New?” You contemplated. “Yes, exactly, new.” Taehyung engulfed you in his arms. “New…” “Yeah, see, there is nothing for you to worry about.” He tucked a hair behind your ear, which did nothing to tame the wild mane you made with your hands, and lifted your chin to make you look at him. “I got it!” You exclaimed and he jumped from the sudden shriek. “We should take a break.” “A break, why?” He sputtered, not able to keep up with your whirlwind you were putting him through. “If the reason why you’re bored of me is because we’ve known each other for a long time and we’re always together then we should take a break so you’d miss me again.” You said in a happy tone as if you’d just suggested going out for ice cream. “I’m not bored of you! I love you. This is completely ridiculous.” “Yeah, yeah, you love me whatever. I’ll just be gone for a couple of weeks.” You wave your hand dismissively and turn your back to him, heading for your room. He reaches out to stop you, “No, I didn’t agree to this!” “You’re right. You’re completely right. I shouldn’t leave, that’s stupid” You smack your head, laughing. Taehyung laughs along, thinking that you’ve come to your senses. “You should leave. If you like Jimin because he’s new then you should go and spend more time with him so he won’t be new anymore and you’ll love me again.” You shrieked, eyes going scarily wide and ran for his room. By the time he caught up to you, you already had his suitcase out and were rummaging through his closet. He tries calling your name a couple of time but you don’t acknowledge him so he shouts, startling you and making you drop the clothes you were holding. “Ugh, Tae, you scared me.” You giggle then pick the clothes right up and put them in the suitcase. He moves in front of you and corners you between himself and the bed, “Sweetie, sweetie, hey! You’re being a little cuckoo here. Let’s just calm down and go to sleep.” He speaks slowly. “We’ll take about this tomorrow when you’re sober… and not a certified lunatic.” “I can’t wait that long. I want my Taetae back.” Your grab his head to try to kiss him but you’ve lost all sense of dexterity a bottle ago and you end up smashing his nose against your forehead. “Oh fuck,” Taehyung grabs his nose, eyes watering. “I’m so sorry.” You say with an exaggerated gasp and try to touch him again. “No, it’s alright. Stay there.” He backs away from you, “Hey, I know what would make this better, a gift! I got something for you on the way here.” You eye him skeptically, “If you’re bluffing just to get me to let this go then it won’t work.” Your face splits into a stupid, drunken smile. “I love you more than any gift.” You try to kiss him but he rushes to the door. “No, really I got you something you’ll absolutely love. Wait here.” He pounds to the entrance of the apartment and you hear the sound of the door being thrown open. You wait for some time before you got bored and followed him. “Tae, you’re wasting precious tim— what is going on?“ You found Taehyung dashing back and forth erratically from the apartment to the hallway seemingly looking for something. “OK, don’t get mad at me but I lost it.” “How can you lose a gift? It must be right where you left it. It’s not like it sprouted legs and started walking around.” The mental image of a gift box with human legs walking around made your inebriated self crack up.   “It’s kind of an animate gif.” He cringes away from you, “I got a puppy.” “You what?!” “I see how you always stop to pet dogs on the street and how you gush over them so I thought getting you one would make you happy… but I guess not.” Taehyung was digging out imaginary dirt from under his nails and not looking at you directly. “See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Dogs are living beings that need constant care and love. They’re not something you gift someone so they won’t be mad at you anymore. God, you are such a child.” You pinched the bridge of your nose. You were so angry you were starting to get a headache already but at least it was sobering you up. You push him out of the way and started looking for that poor dog. He must he so scared right now, alone and in such an unfamiliar place. Taehyung followed you like a second shadow, babbling any combination of sweet sentences that might get you to forgive him. “I’m sorry, pumpkin, I’m an idiot. You’ve always been the brains of this relationship, that’s why I need you. Please don’t be mad at me. I’ll take him back first thing in the morning.” “Shut up, Tae.” “No, really I fucked up and I’m—“ You clamp your hand over his mouth and hush him. You listen closely, and you hear the faint yapping sound again. It was coming from inside the apartment. You follow the sound to see that it originated from under the couch. Shinning a torch under the crack, you see the small brown-black mass of fur huddling in on itself. “Taehyung, lift the couch up.” He does what you say and you reach under it quickly and grab the puppy. “Aw, you poor little thing, did the bad, irresponsible man hurt you?” You cradled him in your arms and showered him in kisses. Taehyung kneeled next to you and patted the puppy, “Tell the nice lady that you’re fine. We were just having a little game of hide and seek you and I.” You slapped his hand off, “Don’t touch him. Haven’t you done enough?” You got up and headed for your room, Taehyung hot on your heels. “Don’t be like that, baby. I said I’m sorry.” “Did you hear that? He said he’s sorry, so everything is all better now. It doesn’t matter that he forgot about me for hours and that he lost you and put your life in danger. He said he’s sorry so it’s all okay now!” “Don’t bring the dog into this. He’s young and he doesn’t need this kind of stuff pushed on him. He’ll grow up to have issues.” “Very funny, Tae. You’re a real funny guy. You know what else is funny? Your chances of sleeping in the same bed as me this month.” “But I can’t sleep without you. I get scared.” He says referring to his childhood fear of the monsters under his bed. A fear that he quickly outgrew but has used as an excuse to continue sleeping in your bed as kids, and now he is using it to get you to go easy on him, and it’s working. “And you can’t sleep without me, not when you’re this anxious. We can take a time out and cuddle and I will play with your hair and sing you to sleep and it will all be better.” He cupped your cheek, softly caressing it and you found yourself unconsciously leaning into his touch. “No, I’m mad at you. You cuddles will feel like an iron maiden to me. An iron maiden!” You try to push him out and shut the door in his face but he was much stronger than you, especially in your current state. You grab random stuff from around your room and throw it in his direction, books and pens missing him by a wide margin. “Get out.” You scream but he just heads towards you, the closer range allowing you to get some actual hits in before he scoops you up in his arms and lays you on the bed. The moment your head touched the pillows, all strength went out of you. You were too tired to fight any longer, he would win anyway. You went to sleep that night with the puppy nuzzling into you front the front and Taehyung cuddling you from behind like his life depended on it.

Something wet and sloppy was lathering up and down your face. You backed away from the gross smell, but the moment you opened your eyes, bombs exploded inside your skull. You threw your arm over your eyes, shielding them from the assault of the much too bright light coming from the windows. Did a nuclear bomb just explode or something? The bed shifted as the warmth that was engulfing you disappeared. There was a rustling in the room before the light was mercifully cut off. More rustling ensued then the bed dipped down and someone removed your arm from over your eyes. Taehyung sat on the bed with a cup of water and a pill in his hand, “Here, take this. It’ll help with the headache.” You took them from his hand and swallowed the pill gratefully, emptying the rest of the cup to try to fight off the dehydration. Taehyung watched you cautiously, eyes and mouth wide with his signature blank stare. You cleared your throat and said, “I’m gonna go get something to feed the puppy. He must be starving.” “No, that’s okay. I fed him earlier and even cleaned up after the mess he made.” Taehyung made a disgusted face and you laughed despite yourself. He looked back at you, eyes sparkling with hope. “Then I guess there is no need for me to get out of bed.” “What about your lectures?” Taehyung asked. “I’m too tired and it’s too cozy under this blanket to leave it and go face the bad, bad world outside.” You pouted, snuggling deeper into the covers. Taehyung smiled, half happy that you were joking with him again and half nervous because he didn’t know what he was supposed to do now. You saw the struggle on his face as he contemplated whether he should stay or go. Making the decision for him, you pull him under the covers with you. “Will you stay with me?” “Of course,” He gushed, relieved. You smiled and nuzzled your forehead into his neck. He put his hand on your back, drawing wide invisible circles on it, making you hum contently. “I’m sorry.” “It’s fine. I was just emotional from the stress of the rides.” “No, I mean about not spending time with you lately.” “Tae… what is really going on?” You said in a whisper, almost hoping he wouldn’t hear you. There was a beat of silence, and then came his answer. “Nothing, I promise. There is nothing to worry about, pumpkin.” He kissed the top of your head. You turned your head up trying to look at him but you couldn’t see his face from this angle. It didn’t feel like nothing, but Taehyung never lied to your before and you weren’t about to start doubting him. “Are you okay?” Taehyung murmured. “Yeah, I am. It’s just…” You thought about just fessing up and telling him what was bothering you, but all you could think about was how pathetic it would sound to him. You always had a way of making a big deal out of the tiniest things and Taehyung was always the one keeping you grounded, but when the issue involved the very foundation of your friendship, it wasn’t as easy to just speak up. What if it just made things awkward between the both of you? You pushed it to the back of your mind and went with the next best thing. ”I’m just lonely, I guess. You’re the only real friend I have since preschool and now you have Jimin and suddenly you’re not always there around me anymore. I guess if I had someone too, I wouldn’t be feeling this bad.” You didn’t lie to him. That was the truth, but only a part of it. He pulled you closer and murmured, “You’ll find someone, pumpkin. Any person would be lucky to have you as a friend. I know I am.” Then why are you avoiding me?   Those were his words then, but when the time came that you found that friend in Kim Namjoon, Taehyung had completely changed his tune.

Author’s Note: This was pretty disappointing tbh, but hopefully the next chapter will be much better. This is a pretty short series btw so it will only have the next chapter and then the epilogue. 

[weareallkosh]

R U L E S: Copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours. When you are done, tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you… and most importantly, have fun!

I was tagged by @lurkz

A) Age: 33

B) Biggest fear: that what I perceive I’m saying/doing isn’t how I’m actually interacting with the world, and in reality I’ve ruined everything and just don’t know it.

C) Current time: 10:48 PM

D) Drink you last had: Water

E) Every day starts with: Weekends start with phone games in bed, weekdays start with sputtering to life in the shower and hating the general idea of existence. Like, the whole thing.

F) Favorite song atm: Hmm. Usually a toss-up. ATM probably either “You and Your Friend” by Snake River Conspiracy or “Think” by Kaleida.

G) Ghosts, are they real?: They were, but were destroyed by Egon Spengler and a time-travelling Jillian Holtzmann in 2004.

H) Hometown?: San Diego

I) In love with?: Myself for once. Also others.

J) Jealous of?: people who are free to follow their passions for a living, without feeling like it would mean financial failure.

K) Killed Someone?: At this time? No. In a few years if certain concerns I have at work go unaddressed? I sure hope not.

L) Last time you cried: A few nights ago. I was falling asleep and can’t remember what upset me.

M) Middle name: Scott

N) Number of siblings: None

O) One wish: one of the resumes I’ve put in recently will get me an offer, or other random opportunities for growth will open up where I want to move.

P) Person you last called/texted: @lurkz if Messenger counts. If actual texts are required, @sithwitch13.

Q) Questions you are always being asked: “So, when is that specification going to be ready to publish?” God I wish I had something I got asked a lot that wasn’t work related… :-P

R) Reasons to smile: podcasts (RPG ones today!), seeing friends (soon!), TV watch-alongs, feeling daring.

S) Song last sung: “Right Hand Man” from Hamilton

T) Time you woke up: 6:45 AM, or at least that’s when my corpse staggered upright this morning.

U) Underwear color: blue and green.

W) Worst habits: losing focus and not finishing projects.

X) X-rays you’ve had: Teeth, right foot, left ankle, abdomen, chest. Possibly more but I can’t remember them.

Y) Your favorite food: Pizza

Z) Zodiac sign: Capricorn

Tagging: anyone else that wants to, I hate putting people on the spot.