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derinthescarletpescatarian · 3 years

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Pro-variation vs. pro-selection culture

Evolution requires three things: some form of information that’s inheritable, some way to create variation from that information, and some way to select what information will be passed on to future generations. In biological evolution, of, course, we all know what these three things are: genes (information) can mutate (variation) -- well, it’s more complicated than just mutation, but this isn’t a biology lesson -- and those that are worse at surviving and reproducing themselves are of course naturally weeded out through cause and effect (selection). But other things -- art, culture, language, science, technology -- evolve as well, and they all need the same three things.

When it comes to variation and selection in things like culture and politics, there’s a sliding scale of which one people think is most important -- whether they’re more pro-variation, or pro-selection.

People on the pro-variation end of the spectrum tend to view diversity as a positive thing and selection as something that will take care of itself, or even something to be actively suspicious of because of its tendency to cause harm -- a rainbow queer community, an education system available to people of all cultures and economic backgrounds, country borders that are as open as practical, and embracing a diverse array of art make a community stronger, and things like gatekeeping, means testing and heirarchies on ‘what counts as art’ should be abandoned unless there’s a really good reason for the selective process to exist, in which case it’s grudgingly tolerated. To pro-variation people, exclusion and oppression within a community are threatening. Pro-variation people recognise that yes, you’re going to get some freeloading drains on resources and obvious money laundering schemes masquerading as terrible art and a few people pretending to be gay for a few years to look more interesting to their straight friends, and this is largely a non-issue, a perfectly acceptable price to pay for a diverse and fair world.

People on the pro-selection end of the scale tend to view selection as the main means of advancing or healing a society, and see diversity as something that will take care of itself and as something to be deeply suspicious of. Gatekeeping, unequal opportunities and financial heirarchies are needed to sort the what from the chaff and make sure everyone does their best (”capitalism breeds innovation”); initiatives to redress inequality and give minorities or poor people an ‘unfair’ advantage or make it easier for outsiders to enter the country should be abandoned unless there’s a really good reason for their existence, as they’re dragging down the ‘deserving’ and polluting the culture. To pro-selection people, contamination or invasion from outsiders is threatening. Pro-selection people recognise that yes, you’re going to lose some talented geniuses in sweatshops and stop some deserving people from achieving success and bully some LGBT people out of the community to face abuse and oppression alone, but this is largely a non-issue, a perfectly acceptable price to pay for an advanced and fair world.

“Oh, Derin, you’re just talking about left-wing vs. right-wing philosophies.” Sort of, but not really. It fits the stereotypes and common arguments to a T, but one can’t assume that all righties are pro-selection or all lefties are pro-variation. I have met pro-variation righties, although I’m not really sure how. And there are leftie TERFs out there, despite TERFism being an undeniably pro-selection philosophy. I find determining where people sit on the variation-to-selection scale to be a lot more useful for communication than left-to-right.

I say this because often I’ll see pro-selection and pro-variation people talking to each other, and notice that they’re having fundamentally different conversations. For example, let’s look at the issue of meritocracy. Most modern people would say that meritocracy is a good thing, but ’meritocracy’ means a fundamentally different thing to pro-selectionists than pro-variationists.

A pro-selectionist, when conceiving of meritocracy, tends to think in terms of, well, selection; devising a system where the strongest (those that excel in whatever the thinker thinks is important; innovation or determination or whatever) rise to the top and gain special privileges and power over others, that they can use to determine the rules and make life better for themselves and their children, elevating society as a side effect. To the pro-variationist, this is absolutely not a meritocracy. “You’ve built a system whereby those who don’t start out with more, those who are born poor or disabled or underprivileged in some way, have to work way harder and be lucky in order to get anywhere than those born lucky. People don’t get ahead on merit in this system because the playing field becomes drastically uneven after a couple of generations. This is not a meritocracy.”

A pro-variationist, on the other hand, would concentrate on making sure that everyone has a fair chance at exercising their skills and getting ahead. They’d focus on making sure that people had the space and security to exercise their skills and that, when it came to supporting the society to make that happen, those with more contributed more. To a pro-selectionist, this is absurd. “So those who have pulled ahead and succeeded are being penalised by having to give more? That’s the opposite of a meritocracy! That’s a system designed to drag the best down!”

I find this framework useful in explaining a lot of weird political quirks of certain subcultures. TERFs and tradwives, for example, are theoretically political opposites, but in practice their logic sounds almost identical to outsiders, sounding rather a lot like standard right-wing talking points and Fascism Lite. This is because they’re all using pro-selection arguments. To a pro-selectionist, the arguments of these groups look very different -- “we’re saying that X kind of people are good/virtuous/victims, and Y kind of people are bad/oppressors/sinners, which is the exact opposite of what the other group is saying!” To a pro-variationist, the fact that they are making literally the same argument makes them identical -- “you’re still putting people in your little ‘keep or cull’ boxes for exactly the same reasons, you just wrote different names on the boxes to keep or cull according to your personal taste.”

I think a lot of the things associated with right-wingers could be more accurately associated with people on the pro-selection end of the spectrum in general. It’s known, for example, that right-wingers tend to have a more sensitive disgust reflex and, as a consequence, be generally more xenophobic. You can see this in the way xenophobes talk of making room for outsiders; they talk of invasion, contamination, infection, hygeine, purity. LGBT exclusionists, lefties and righties, talk in the same sort of language. So do antis.

It’s also notable in the sorts of innocuous-seeming things that such people get really angry about. Right-wingers and authoritarians are known for their trend of an almost comical hatred of modern art. The idea that anything can be art, or that art can be measured on any level that isn’t strict complexity and realism of paint and sculpture, causes a surprising level of dislike in such groups. (See also arguments like ‘what is a video game’, ‘does this even count as a game’, althoughpeople thankfully seem to be bored of that now). Exclusionists are equally renowned for campaigns against inclusive terms like ‘queer’, and TERFs get obsessively nitpicky about people’s genitals to a really creepy degree and get very uncomfortable when you mention the ‘grey area’ in biological sex. This is normally assumed to be just dislike at people challenging their arguments, but I think it’s deeper. I think it’s like the modern art thing. Any kind of radical inclusivity is threatening to pro-selection thinkers, not because it’s a challenge to their rules and definitions -- they can have those arguments perfectly comfortably -- but because it is an attack on the very concept of meaning. “Words mean things! Groups exist! You can’t just... just get rid of groups and open up categories to include more people without putting them through a serious, rigorous proving ground first! You can’t just call anything you want to ‘art’, you can’t just call anyone outside cisheteronormative expectations part of the LGBT community, you can’t just call people men or women based on how they feel! That’s chaos! How can any progress be made if we just decide words don’t mean anything??”

(I also think this is a much-overlooked aspect of the same-sex marriage debate. Yes, most of that was garden-variety homophobia, but I’ve known a lot of people who were perfectly fine with ‘the gays having equal rights’, they just didn’t want it called marriage. To a pro-variationist, having the same legal language for partnerships regardless of the sex or gender of the participants is really important -- it’s a shield against future discrimination as the laws relating to either marriages or civil partnerships change over time. To a pro-selectionist, changing the definition of words related to fundamental cultural activities is a huge deal. “They’re eroding the very meaning of marriage! Chaos! How much more will the word change? Can people marry animals or cars next?!”)

As I said, this is a spectrum. I’ve met very few people who are on either extreme end -- even the most pro-equality liberal anarchist acknowledges that some standards of behaviour, community responses to inappropriate action and definitions of different communities do have to exist, to protect people, and the most hardocre fascist admits that there needs to be some measure of generating diversity to avoid stagnation and extinction. And people’s default reaction isn’t necessarily their position on all issues -- somebody who’s generally pro-variation might feel specifically threatened by immigration and think a strict proving ground for immigrants is necessary, or someone who is generally pro-selectionist might think that a robust social system is necessary because one’s economic status at birth has no bearing on one’s merit or value. But I’ve always found it to be a very useful general model.

#culture #politics #bigotry #left wing #right wing #queer #lgbt

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fandomcelery · 3 years

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Feelings are complicated, aren't they?

Pairing: Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce

Word Count: 2107

Rating: Teens and Up

Tags: Sexuality Crisis, Internalized Homophobia, Pining

Beta: @useless-fanfictions helped me out a lot on this fic, especially since I'm just starting out writing, so a big thanks to them!

Summary: Walking next to Brittany felt normal and right, but at that moment it felt slightly wrong. A bunch of questions were running through her mind. Was she acting differently? Was it obvious that something was off? Oh god, does everyone think that she’s gay?

Or, the one where Santana realizes she might have feelings for Brittany and panics over it.

Read it on Ao3

For the Glee Character "This-or-That" Challenge: @gleethisorthatchallenge

Prompt: Sharing a bed or Sexuality Crisis

The way Santana feels around Brittany is normal, right? Sure, she’s never felt it for any other person—not even any of her previous boyfriends—but it’s a completely normal feeling. And yeah, okay, she also defends Brittany all the time when people insult or make fun of her, and when Brittany sticks up for her and is always by her side, she can never stop smiling. She always feels warm whenever she compliments her about literally anything that she’s wearing, or how her hair looks that day, or really anything that makes Santana feel pretty.

There’s also the fact that they have sex regularly even though they’re in relationships with guys who would willingly have sex with them as well, but that’s different. It must be different, because if it’s not—

No, it’s not an option for it to not be anything but platonic. It’s got to be, it just has to be.

Even though Santana hates when people flirt with Brittany and will usually try to scare them off when others aren’t looking. Or when they get into fights or arguments, big or small, she feels like shit when she can’t talk to Brittany, and then that means they can’t have their sweet lady kisses that make Santana feel like they are the only two people left on the entire planet.

Feelings are complicated, aren’t they?

As long as she always stands her ground, keeping their relationship just friends, and convincing Brittany—and a little bit of herself—that even though they’re in relationships they can have sex and it’s not cheating because they’re both girls, she will be fine. She just has to keep telling herself that their relationship isn’t anything, that they’re strictly friends and that she doesn’t have feelings for her best friend, because if she did then she wouldn’t know what she would do with herself.

She’s not homophobic, and just because Kurt freaking Hummel struts around with his gay flag waving in the air doesn’t mean that everyone can or has to. And even if they do, they’ll get bullied and harassed, just like him. It’s the way that everything goes, the straight popular kids are on top, and the gays are at the bottom, even though that’s ridiculous, it’s the way it goes.

She’ll just keep it to herself—even though there’s nothing there, obviously—and everything will be fine. She hopes that if she keeps telling herself that then maybe it will be.

***

Of course, that’s not what happens. The following Monday, after the weekend Santana had realized that something is different, it seemed like everyone has been staring at the two of them differently, but it might just be her paranoia talking.

Walking next to Brittany felt normal and right, but at that moment it felt slightly wrong. A bunch of questions were running through her mind. Was she acting differently? Was it obvious that something was off? Oh god, does everyone think that she’s gay? She is suddenly on the defensive side, glaring at the people who she thought were looking at her and Brittany weirdly. Maybe people always looked at them this way and neither of them ever noticed or cared; except now she did.

She knows the route they take to get to their next classes by heart because they always walk together, even though their schedules don’t really line up. Most people think that all the Cheerios just walk to class together in groups because the outfits look good together—which they do, she thinks conceitedly—and because of the cheerleading cliques. For a while that’s why Quinn, Brittany, and Santana would walk together, but then they actually got kind of close because of Glee Club, and now Quinn walks with Finn to her classes and Santana walks with Brittany.

During her fourth period that she has alone she can’t stop thinking about Brittany. How when she walks to class she hugs her binder to her chest, or how during class she always fidgets with her pencil when she’s in between writing, or how even if she doesn’t care about what people are talking about, she’ll listen to them anyway (like this one time a few days ago when they had arrived early to glee club and Rachel had come up to Brittany and her to ask for dance lessons, going on and on about something that had to do with her being a star and needing to know how to dance better, and Santana had only been paying attention to Brittany and ignored Rachel’s harping), Santana admires the way Brittany exists, and how it seems like nothing really bothers her. She doesn’t know why all of the sudden it’s hitting her, especially since she’s been friends with her for so long, and no, she doesn’t have feelings for her, they’re just friends.

***

They walk to their usual seats during lunch together, every now and again bumping shoulders with how close they are while they’re talking. Santana sits down across from Brittany, as she doesn’t miss a beat from what she’s saying to sit down.

“And I swear that Lord Tubbington has a gambling addiction, but he won’t stop—” she takes a bite of her food, “—and I don’t know what to do.”

“Why don’t you just take away his laptop privileges?” Santana suggests, also taking a bite of her own food. It’s not bad, however, it’s not good. Then again, it’s the school’s food. When she looks up at Brittany, she looks quizzical, like she hasn’t thought of doing that.

“That probably would work,” Brittany responds, and continues eating.

Santana’s focused on something else. That something else is Brittany’s physical appearance, everything about her: to her flashing smile, to her thin and perfect eyebrows. her slim waist, long legs, and her torso—which she shouldn’t be staring at in the middle of school, and yet she is. She is stunning to Santana, with her lean appearance and bright golden colored hair pulled perfectly back into a ponytail. Her blue eyes seem to twinkle all the time.

“Santana?” Brittany asks after she’s been staring for a moment or two.

“Huh, what? Sorry, I was just, thinking,” she responds quickly and looks away to other tables where other kids are sitting, she lets go of her lip that she must have been biting on.

“About what?” Brittany takes another bite of her food, almost finished, whereas Santana has barely touched hers.

“Nothing important,” she mumbles, taking a drink from her water bottle. The answer seems to satisfy Brittany and they go back to normal and easy conversation like Santana hadn’t been just staring at her best friend’s boobs.

***

Glee Club isn’t that different. Rachel and Mercedes are fighting for a solo that Mr. Schue handed out, he doesn’t know how to handle it, and so they’re trying to argue over one another. Finn, Puck, Matt, and Mike are making bets about something in football. Kurt, Tina, and Artie are talking about something—she can’t hear their conversation, and honestly doesn’t care—and so it’s Quinn, Brittany and her talking about the Cheerios like they always are.

“Sue’s been on our asses about winning at Nationals,” Quinn comments as she sits down next to Brittany.

“She’s just concerned about staying on top,” Santana remarks, looking around the choir room. She looks up at the two who are arguing over one another and laughs a little bit. Everyone knows that Rachel’s going to get the solo, she usually does. Mercedes probably knows that, too, and yet she’s still going to fight for it.

“And her paycheck,” Quinn adds.

Eventually Mr. Schue stood in front of the class, apparently they had sorted it out where Rachel got this solo and Mercedes would get the next one.

This Glee practice they were going to focus on their choreography added with singing, and it wasn’t that big of an issue for the three cheerleaders (and it was mostly for the jocks to practice anyway, since they were the ones having problems, other than Mike, surprisingly).

Afterwards everyone was tired and sore, they had to start over a bunch of times because someone kept messing up (Finn). Slowly the choir room emptied, and Brittany and Santana walked to their next class together. They were going to walk with Quinn, but she had muttered something about a “troll trying to steal her boyfriend” and went off to walk with Finn. They separated at their different classrooms, and the three of them were going to meet up for Cheerios practice that was after school, which was their usual plan.

***

After practice Santana was even more exhausted than when she left Glee rehearsal. She grabs her water bottle that she had placed in her locker when she first got there. She gulps down a quarter of the bottle before putting it back.

There are many girls around her, yet the only one she’s focused on is Brittany.

Ever since they walked into the locker room, Brittany, and another cheerleader—Hailey was her name—were talking nonstop to one another. It’s not like Santana was eavesdropping, but it’s not her fault they were standing so close and speaking so God damn loudly.

“One time she made a girl cry just because she talked back,” Hailey continues while she brushes her hair in the mirror.

“I know, I was there,” Brittany responds, leaning up against the lockers next to Hailey’s that no one’s using. “Sue can be a bitch sometimes.”

Hailey wraps her hair in a ponytail and starts to put the hair tie around it. “Don’t let her hear you say that she might move you down the pyramid,” she jokes, which gets a laugh out of Brittany. “However, she is the best cheerleading coach McKinley can offer, so I guess we’ll have to put up with it,” Hailey states.

They all know that that’s true, no other teacher will coach the Cheerios, and she’s the only one that’s gotten them to Nationals and gets a pretty big paycheck put towards the cheerleading team.

And listen, Santana doesn’t do jealous, okay? And she’s not. She just doesn’t like Brittany hanging out with another person so closely. And it’s because no one understands her like Santana does is all. And sure, Brittany has other friends, but usually they go through Santana to talk to her, so she knows them, or they’re all in the conversation. This is an entire new person, and they’re jokingtogether, which Brittany can do on her own, of course, but-

“Stop pining and either go talk with them or leave already,” Quinn mutters behind her.

Santana whips around and glares at her, and Quinn smirks.

“Oh, come on, don’t think I didn’t notice.” She walks past Santana to get to her locker, and Santana decides to do what Quinn suggested.

She grabs her water bottle from her locker and makes sure all of her things are put away before she leaves to head home.

***

She can’t be in love with her best friend, right? Sure, she and Brittany are close, and they do practically everything together, and Santana loves everything about Brittany, but that doesn’t mean she’s in love with Brittany.

Those thoughts are how Santana finds herself pacing in her room, not for the first time in the last few days, lost in thought. She looks over at the photos that she has on her walls of all of the Cheerios, but there are a few of either her, Brittany, and Quinn, or just the two of them.

She walks over and picks one up to look at it. She gets the same feeling that she’s been getting every time she thinks about Brittany, yet she’s been ignoring it for a while now. Except this time, she doesn’t. She feels butterflies in her stomach and doesn��t even realize she is smiling at Brittany’s picture. She sets down the photo when she does catch herself, and goes to lay down on her bed.

Even if she was gay, how would she know? Would having feelings that aren’t actually feelings enough to be considered gay? And what would everyone else think? Maybe she should turn to the internet, she thinks. She sits up and grabs her laptop that she keeps on her bedside table and loads it up.

A few searches later she realizes that maybe terms like bisexual or even lesbian fit her. Some more questions pop up in her head after that realization, but at least one thing’s certain.

Santana is in love with her best friend, and she has no idea what she’s going to do about it.

#gleecharactertot2021 #gleetotchallenge2021 #glee #santana lopez #brittany pierce #brittana #sexuality crisis #elliry writes #uefnajnfvedhbfhrsyuhebgveahj

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specialagentsergio · 4 years

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only if you knew

summary: Spencer’s in love with you, but you’re in love with Emily.

pairing: spencer reid x f!reader (unrequited), emily prentiss x f!reader

category: angst

content warnings: description of a panic attack, mentions of bullying and homophobia, swearing

a/n: my take on a fic inspired by heather by conan grey. writing is a hobby i've had for years, but this is the first time i've posted any of it. i hope you enjoy it.

a/n 2: bi!reader, fem!reader bc emily is a lesbian

word count: 3.5k

song: heather by conan grey

series masterlist || masterlist

Spencer isn’t looking for a relationship when he meets you. He wants a relationship someday, but he likes his life the way it is for now. He doesn’t want it to change yet. He thinks that’s why it took him so long to realize he was in love with you.

You join the team a few weeks after Rossi does. Hotch has been wanting to add another profiler to the unit for a while. The fiasco with Gideon’s loss of Sarah and subsequent disappearance, then Emily’s sudden resignation, finally convinces the board that it might not be a bad idea to have more than five profilers on the team.

Morgan and Hotch already know you. You come from the sex crimes unit, and the BAU had worked a case with them a month before he joined. You were just an agent trainee at the time, but Hotch saw promise in you, and has kept an eye on your work ever since. (Spencer wonders how he never ran into you at the academy; you’re only a year older than him and you both joined the Bureau in 2003. Eventually he realizes it’s because you weren’t remediated.)

Despite an awkward introduction (he gives you his spiel about handshakes and how it’s safer to kiss, and you respond with, well, if you insist, prompting laughter from Morgan and Prentiss, and leaving him at a loss for words as his face turns red), you quickly become friends. Your mutual love of reading is how you initially connect. Then he notices you only ever cut off his infodumping when you’re working on a case, and it’s always with a gentle, “redirect, Spence.” Outside of work, you seem genuinely interested in what he has to say, even going so far as to follow up on things you had to interrupt earlier.

You also bond over your shared love of Doctor Who, and begin to join him at Penelope’s place each time a new episode airs. It’s not long before he considers you his best friend.

Spencer tells you things he rarely puts a voice to. He tells you about his kidnapping and subsequent Dilaudid problem (he still struggles to call it what he knows it was—an addiction) after the South Padre Island case, when he doesn’t pick up on Adam’s dissociative identity disorder until it’s just a bit too late.

On the one year anniversary of his solving of the Riley Jenkins case, he recounts what happened the day his dad left in a wavering voice and you run your hand up and down his back when he cries.

He even tells you about the goalpost incident and the real motivation behind that act of bullying, a detail he omitted when he told Morgan about it. (He didn’t have a crush on Alexa Lisben, the prettiest girl in school. He had a poorly concealed crush on the football team’s quarterback.)

You also open up to him in a way you seldom do to anyone. You tell him about the bullying you experienced in high school over your shared sexuality. You tell him about the worst cases you saw in the sex crimes unit, and on a day when you’re struggling, you tell him what the worst day of your life was.

He’s had great friends before, and still does, but he’s never had one quite like you.

Spencer can’t say what the moment he fell in love with you was. He can’t pinpoint when your friendship became something more to him. But he knows the moment he realized he was in love, and he doesn’t need an eidetic memory to recall it perfectly.

It’s such a small thing, nothing big and grand like film and literature portray. He’s showed up to the roundtable with a new haircut. Hotch asks him if he’s joined a boyband, which he doesn’t quite get, but Morgan finds very amusing. You catch up to him on his way out of the bullpen and say, “I liked your hair long, but it looks great like this, too.”

That’s when he knows.

The realization is like a punch to the gut, yet it’s not unpleasant. His world feels turned upside down, but upside down is looking like a fine place to be.

And you just carry on like nothing’s happened, like you haven’t just irreversibly changed his life with twelve words.

---

Spencer spends a few weeks sitting with this new information, mulling over his feelings and weighing his options.

Does he tell you he loves you? The FBI holds annual seminars discouraging fraternization between employees, but it’s mostly aimed towards preventing relationships between supervisors and their subordinates. There’s nothing in the regulations preventing two agents in the same standing from dating (which he knows because he’s read the entire handbook). A visit to HR and a form filed away makes that perfectly acceptable.

But as much as he wants to be with you, he’s terrified of losing your friendship. It’s one of the most important things in his life. If he confesses and you don’t return his feelings, it very well could ruin it. Things would never be the same between the two of you again. He can hardly tolerate the thought of that.

He has everything to lose, yet also everything to gain.

All of his speculation is operating under the assumption that you’re single, but he’s confident in that. You tell each other everything—there’s no way you wouldn’t mention seeing someone. You’ve always told him about any dates you’ve gone on in the past. And if, for some reason, you’d keep it a secret, he’s a profiler. He studies human behavior. He’d notice something going on.

Spencer finds out he’s wrong in what he thinks must be the worst possible way, because you don’t tell him yourself. He finds out you’re taken by accident.

It’s only a few weeks after JJ’s forced departure. They’ve just wrapped up a case in Connecticut, and Hotch postpones their flight home to the next morning so they can all get some solid rest after a grueling three days. Rossi offers to take them out for dinner at the hotel’s restaurant, and everyone takes him up on it.

You and Emily excuse yourselves a bit earlier than normal, but he knows he’s not the only one hurting over JJ, so he chalks it up to that. He finds himself following suit not even five minutes later when he fails to stifle his seventh yawn of the night. He steps off the elevator to the fifth floor and hears some quiet giggling from down the hall, but doesn’t think anything of it, just heads towards the room he’s sharing with Derek. It’s the door right after the one leading to the room you’re sharing with Emily, so there’s no way for him to avoid seeing what breaks his heart.

Emily has her hands on your waist as she presses your back against the door. You’re trying to scan the keycard and open the door from behind, a task you’re struggling with because she won’t stop kissing you.

Spencer freezes, his own keycard dropping from his fingers onto the plush carpet.

“Emily, Emily,” you whisper against her lips, trying and failing to suppress your laughter. “You have to let me open the door.”

“Mmm, fine,” she relents with an exaggerated sigh. She presses a kiss to your nose before taking a small step back so you can turn and scan the card.

Your eyes leave Emily’s face and land on his. You just stare at each other for a moment, unmoving.

Emily notices, of course, and asks you, “what’s wrong, baby?” before following your gaze to him.

That finally snaps Spencer out of his daze and he blurts out, “Sorry!” His voice cracks and he clears his throat as he bends down to pick his keycard back up. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to, to—disturb you. I’m just, just really tired and I’m gonna go to bed now.” He keeps his eyes on the carpet as he passes by the two of you, ignoring you when you say his name.

“Reid—” Emily starts, but he’s already letting the heavy door fall shut behind him and pressing his back against it. His breathing is shaky and he grips the strap of his satchel tightly. He doesn’t bother to turn on the lights—he knows they’d be too much right now—and starts to sway from side to side in an attempt to self-soothe.

It doesn’t work, so he begins pacing across the room, back and forth and back and forth until he stumbles over Derek’s go bag and any semblance of control he had breaks. His tie feels too tight and the way his bag is thumping against his thigh as he walks is maddening. He pushes his satchel off of his body as fast as he can, then claws at the knot of his tie, pulling on it until it’s loose enough to slide off over his head. He throws it across the room.

He starts pacing again, unable to stop one of his hands from flapping as his breathing grows erratic. He trips over Derek’s bag again and kicks it in retaliation, just barely holding back a shriek of frustration and agony and panic because oh god oh god I can’t breathe it’s all too much, too much, I can’t breathe.

Spencer can’t breathe because he loves you, he loves you, he loves you, and you don’t love him back.

---

He loses time.

It happens, sometimes, when he has a shutdown.

One moment he’s pacing across the hotel room floor, trying in vain to catch his breath, and the next he’s letting out an involuntary whine when the room lights turn on. Whoever flipped the switch turns them back off immediately.

Slowly, Spencer comes back to himself.

He’s sitting on one of the beds, hugging a pillow to his chest as he rocks back and forth. His back thumps lightly against the headboard with each motion. He can breathe again, but they’re the wobbling breathes that come after crying. He touches his face and it feels wet.

“Reid.”

It’s a whisper from across the room, and he tenses on instinct.

“Reid, it’s Morgan,” it continues, and Spencer relaxes. He recognizes his friend’s voice now. He makes a small humming noise to indicate that he’s listening.

His eyes have adjusted to the dark now and he can see the vague shape of Morgan walk forward and sit on the bed across from his. “Are you okay, kid?”

Spencer’s breath hitches as he tries to respond. “I.... no,” he whispers. He hasn’t remembered what happened yet—something else that can happen when he spirals—but he feels all hollowed out inside, like someone has scooped out everything that’s him and left behind only a deep, aching pain in their wake.

“What happened?” Morgan asks quietly.

“What happened,” Spencer repeats under his breath. He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes as he thinks. What happened. What happened, Spencer?

“You left dinner,” Morgan prompts. “You said you were tired and were going to go to bed.”

That’s right. He left the table and headed to the elevator. Got off on the fifth floor. Walked down the hallway to their room and found—

It comes back in a rush, without warning.

You’re laughing as Emily kisses you, the hand not struggling with your keycard tangled in her hair. Emily places an affectionate kiss on your nose when she pulls away. You freeze when you see him, and Emily calls you baby.

The memory takes his breath away again, and he feels hot tears falling down his cheeks.

“Reid, Reid.” Morgan’s voice interrupts his thoughts. “Stay with me. You’re okay, kid. You’re okay.”

All Spencer can do is shake his head, because he’s not okay, he’s so terribly far away from okay right now.

“Tell me what happened, kid,” Morgan urges. “Then I can help you.”

Spencer lets out a humorless laugh. Can’t Morgan see that there’s nothing he can do, can’t he see that Spencer’s in a thousand pieces on the floor? “You can’t help me,” he says, his voice hoarse from countless tears he doesn’t remember shedding.

“You don’t know that. How about you tell me what’s wrong, and then I can decide?”

“No, I do know that, Morgan,” he snaps. His rational brain recognizes that he’s acting out, that Morgan doesn’t deserve his anger; he’s not who Spencer’s actually angry at. But his emotional brain is the one running the show right now, so he continues, “Did you know?”

“Did I know what?” Morgan asks calmly. He’s keeping his cool, trying to deescalate the situation, and that makes Spencer even more upset. He doesn’t want to calm down, he can’t calm down, not when his world is falling apart.

“Did you know that Emily and (Y/N) are—are fucking?” he spits out. He can’t bring himself to say that you’re in love, despite the fact that the way you were looking at Emily can’t mean anything other than that.

“I... No, I didn’t, Reid,” Morgan replies. He’s not lying, but Spencer almost wishes he was, just so he could have someone to yell at right now. “Why is that upsetting for you?”

Spencer doesn’t answer. He’d never admitted his feelings about you out loud before, not even to himself, and he sure as hell won’t do it now. He knows the moment Morgan figures it out, because he can hear him sigh.

“I’m sorry, kid,” he says. “I know how you feel.”

“Oh, right,” he scoffs. “Derek Morgan, god’s gift to women, knows how I feel right now.”

“Come on, Reid. Being able to leave a bar with someone on my arm doesn’t make me immune to the pain of liking someone who doesn’t like me back.” Derek’s voice is gentle, so much more gentle than he deserves right now, considering all Spencer’s done since he stepped foot in their room is lash out at him.

“I don’t like her, Morgan,” he says quietly. “I love her.”

Derek doesn’t say anything for a while. He doesn’t try and reassure him that he’s okay, that he’ll get over it. He doesn’t use that awful line of there’s plenty of fish in the sea. He just sits in silence with him. It’s exactly what Spencer needs. He doesn’t know how Morgan knows this when he didn’t himself.

Derek always seems to just know.

---

The morning comes before he’s ready to face it.

He wakes up to the sound of the shower running. His head hurts and his eyes feel puffy and sore. A beam of light is cutting through a gap in the curtains, landing on his face.

Spencer rolls over in bed and curls in on himself as his memories from the night before catch up to him. He stays like that, a lump under the covers, until Morgan comes out of the bathroom freshly showered.

“Hey, kid,” he says. “You awake?”

Spencer just grunts in response, unwilling to do anything that isn’t staying wrapped up in this cocoon of blankets. You’ve always called him a “Spencerrito” when he does this. He pretends to hate the nickname, but really, he finds it endearing. Now, though, it just hurts.

Any thought of you and the little things you do, the special things you do, the things that make butterflies sprout in his stomach, things that just yesterday made him feel warm inside, now make him ache all over.

“The jet’s set to take off in about an hour,” Morgan tells him. “If you don’t wanna fly, we can drive back together.”

The offer is tempting; spending an hour in close quarters with you and Emily knowing what he knows now, is not his idea of a good time. But he knows what he has to do. He’s known from the moment he saw the way you looked at Emily last night.

About a year ago, you’d come to his apartment on a Saturday night, looking truly downtrodden. You had been on a date, but it didn’t go well. “I’m scared I’ll never find someone,” you’d confided in him, your eyes filling with tears. “What if there’s no one out there for me, Spence?”

He hadn’t been sure how to answer. After all, he often felt the same way. So he’d put your favorite movie on the TV, dug some ice cream out from the back of his freezer, and stayed up late with you, watching one movie after another until you both dozed off in a tangle of limbs and blankets on his couch.

Slowly, he pushes himself into a sitting position on the hotel bed and looks at Morgan through the strands of hair hanging in his eyes. “You can’t tell her.”

Morgan raises his eyebrows in surprise. “I wasn’t going to, Reid.”

“I mean it,” Spencer insists. “(Y/N) can’t know. Emily, either. They... I don’t want to ruin this for her.”

“Hey,” Derek says, raising his hands in a placating gesture. “My lips are sealed, kid. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Spencer sighs. “Thanks,” he mutters, then attempts to rub the sleep from his eyes. “An hour, you said?”

---

He sequesters himself in one of the corner seats on the jet. He gets multiple worried and confused glances from everyone, including you, but no one pushes, as his body language just about screams, “leave me alone.”

Twenty minutes into the flight, someone slides into the seat across from him and he reluctantly looks up from his book. It’s Emily, looking properly nervous, folding her hands in front of her on the table.

He’s not sure if he’s relieved or disappointed that it’s not you.

He is sure that he doesn’t want to be talking to Emily right now, though. She took you, she took you, she took you, she took you, runs relentlessly through his mind. He pushes the thought away, glancing down at his book and running his finger across the pages to try and keep himself calm.

“Reid,” she starts hesitantly, and he drags his eyes back up. “I know you’re mad that (Y/N) didn’t tell you about us.”

Well, you’re not wrong, he thinks bitterly. It’s just not for the reason you assume, Emily.

“But, um, that’s not on her,” she continues. “I asked her not to. And it wasn’t just you. We didn’t tell anyone. Only Hotch knew before last night, and that’s because we had to tell him.”

“Why?” Spencer asks bluntly. He does, technically, know the answer. Emily is very private when it comes to her life outside of work. It makes sense that she wouldn’t want to go around announcing her relationship status.

But Spencer doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t understand how she can be in love and not want to shout it from the rooftops. It doesn’t make any sense to him that she wouldn’t want to show you off and introduce you as my girlfriend. He can’t comprehend how she can have you, be loved by you, and not want everyone to know it.

Emily’s slightly taken aback by his question, and she bites her lip as she considers how to answer. “I just... really prefer to keep my work and personal life as separate as possible,” is what she settles on.

“Kinda impossible to do that when you’re seeing a coworker,” Spencer shoots back, then mentally scolds himself. You said you wouldn’t ruin this for her, Spencer. Don’t ruin this for (Y/N).

Her chuckle is nervous. “Well, yeah,” she concedes. “But we make it work.”

Spencer then asks a question he doesn’t really want to know the answer to before he can stop himself. “How long?”

Emily’s eyes fall to her hands as she poorly hides a smile. “Eight months.”

Eight months. Eight months. You’ve been with Emily for eight fucking months, and you never told him, never even hinted at the fact that you were seeing someone. You kept him in the dark for eight months.

You let him fall in love with you when your heart already belonged to someone else.

He doesn’t want to be mad at you. He knows he’s not being fair. He really, honestly, wants to be happy for you, happy that you found what you’ve been searching for, but reality seems hellbent on making that as difficult for him as possible.

“Please,” Emily says, “if you’re going to be mad, be mad at me. I was the one who asked her to do this.”

He stares down at his book for a full three minutes before finally muttering, “Alright.”

He sees her shoulders slump in relief in his peripheral vision. “Thank you,” she whispers, and then she leaves.

Spencer watches her walk across the jet to the couch and sit down next to you. He looks down before you can look at him because he knows he won’t be able to handle what he’ll see in your eyes. It’ll be love in your eyes, but love that’s not directed at him.

Emily took you from him, she took you, she took you, his mind repeats until Spencer makes the first of what’s to be many attempts to accept the truth.

Emily didn’t take you from him. You were never his to begin with.

---------------

tell me what you thought here!

#spencer reid x reader #emily prentiss x reader #spencer reid fanfic #emily prentiss fanfic #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds self insert #angst #spencer reid #emily prentiss #my fic

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coco96 · 4 years

Text

LDAF - The Avengers

Hiding Magic (Avengers X Teen!Reader) Warnings: Mention of crime (stealing) Request: ... reader who is a very powerful magician ... who also robs because their family is poor ... One day all the Avengers comes to their school to give a speech. However, the reader gets there late and sees the Avengers thinking they’re about to get arrested. They then go to the Bathroom to use magic and escape. Right when R using magic Peter, Tony, Strange walks in. After talking the R ends up an Avenger.

Serenity (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Sick child, illness Request: ... reader being a part of the avengers, but the others gets suspicious when she starts refusing missions on particular dates and she always sneaks of, but it turns out she visits a children’s hospital or something because she wants to give them hope? ...

Crushing The Grape (Avengers X Male!Reader) Warnings: Spoilers to Infinity War. Death. Reader basically tortured Thanos. Think Magneto with blood. Request: Could you do avengers x male reader where male reader kills that giant purple grape(thanos) on Titan

The Happiest Avenger (Avengers X Reader) TRIGGER WARNING: Depression and self harm mention Request: ... R is very happy to a point where they’re the happiest person on the avengers but the R is secretly messed up, they never shows it. The R has a secret they self-harm. So one day Steve finds the scars while they’re talking in the kitchen then thinks the worst. So he sets up a meeting with the crew and the next day R walks in and the crew have to act normal but then comfronts the R but the end is very fluff

Young Weapon (Avengers X Teen!Male!Reader) Warnings: Mention of violence, mention of fire, death of parents, mention of torture Request: ... reader where he’s discovered as a brainwashed assassin (like bucky) where he was taken when he was like 5 and is now 15 and he suffered worse than bucky did and they try to help him oh wow that was long

Not Happening (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mentions of torture, brain washing, ptsd/nightmares and killing. Request: ... reader is a superpowered teenager that the avengers took care of after finding her in a hydra base. She’s still trying to fit in but the government is trying to take her away due to her past crimes when she was still controlled by hydra ...

Scratches (Avengers X Male!Reader) Warnings: Sexual mentions Request: … Where male reader was training and took his shirt of and the avengers see he has scratches(from late night activities) on his back and tease him about it and he comes up with a sassy response. The whole late night activities don’t have to be detailed

No More Fighting Pt 1 (Avengers X Reader) | Part 2 Warnings: Death of character Request: ... before the battle cap and iron have a fight but the reader plays peacemaker and makes everything alright. At the battle the reader sacrifice themself to help the avengers get away before getting captured ... but the avengers think they k.i.a. And at the funeral cap and iron make peace for the sake of the reader

Ranger (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Fighting Request: .... a steampunk style and meets the avengers after they see her beating up bad guys or something ...

Testing Patience (Avengers X Fem!Reader) | Part 2 Warnings: Mild swearing Request: … a very calm reader who life with the avengers in the tower and one day she is mad at something and all the avengers are there and think she is very cute when she is angry and hug her and joke on her, and she gets more angy because they think she is cute …

Anomaly (Avengers X Teen!Male!Reader) Request: ... reader who is a powerful being and all they know about their life is that they’re human with powerful powers. Avengers are trying to capture them, they’re trying to capture him to question him. because he robbed a bank and seen what the reader could do. The powers he has are called Imagination Manifestation its like imagining something and comes true. And at the end he some how gets a job at avengers

Blind Meeting (Avengers X Blind!Reader) Request: ... reader is really nervous to meet the avengers because shes blind but peter assures her that itll be fine and the avengers end up loving her

Loyalty (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Torture, memory loss Request: ... reader gets compromised, tries to take down the avengers ... They refuse to fight her ...

Revenge Is Bloody (Avengers X Vampire Reader) | Part 2 Warnings: Blood and gore Request: ... hydra operatives keep showing up dead drained of their blood? The team are called to investigate. Bucky is fine with it but everyone seems kind of nervous cause they don’t know what their dealing with. They find out it’s a girl in her teens that hydra experimented on turning her into a vampire and she was able to over power and hunt them down. They track her and she willingly goes with them to join the team.

Much Needed Sleep (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: passing out, swearing. Request: ... reader has insomnia and barely sleeps. She lies to the rest of them (the avengers) so they don’t worry. She has about 4 hours sleep a night, sometimes less. When she’s doing a mission, she collapses from exhaustion ...

Mistake (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Injury, death Request: ... one day the reader messes up badly on a mission and the avengers talk about how the reader let down So the reader quits and the avengers go looking for the reader and finds them and talks about how they’re sorry ...

Real Magic (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warning: Falling from heights, presumed deaths, dangerous stunts. Request: Peter and The avengers go to a circus they decide to go see a magic show, and tony is totally not buying it. It turns out the reader is the star, and her magic is real. Maybe they try to get her on the team. …

“Did you have to seduce the entire team!?” (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Request: … reader is young and beautiful and starts living in the tower with the avengers and she flirts with all of them just for fun, and all of them think that she is in love with them and at the end they start fighting ... and ask reader which one would she choose finally and she chooses ruce ...

I Don’t Know What I’d Do Without You (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Self conscious reader, teasing Request: Can you do a female reader, where she feels as if she isn’t worthy enough to be in the avengers, she feels as if she’s the odd one out. Nat overhears her talking to her friend on the phone about thinking about leaving and she gets the others to convince her she is worthy?

Auntie June Came Early (Male Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warning: Period time~ Request: … reader is in her days and Nat and Wanda are away, and the male avengers got nuts because they think she might be in a lot of pain and overprotect her and dont let her do anything, not even move, and she complain about the pain just once and they all freak out and she thinks is hilarious! ...

Helping (Avengers X Teen!Reader) Warnings: Bulimia, throwing up, bullying, self conscious reader. Request: ... reader is Tony’s daughter (although all of them are protective of her) and she has bulimia and she gets caught purging by one of the team members.

Hello, I’m Pansexual (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mention of homophobia, anxiety. Request: ... reader’s part of the avengers and has powers, but is pan and struggling w how to come out to the team bc she’s scared they’ll kick her off?

Surprise! (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Sad emotions Request: … reader thinks everyone forgot their birthday but they were just planning a surprise party for them? …

If You Get Killed, Walk It Off. (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Grieving, supposed death, explosion, blood, death Request: … reader is in a mission with the avengers and then there is an explossion and the reader was in that building and everybody thinks that she died, and start to cry and remember how they love her, and finally she was ok, and goes with them and ask what happen? …

Help (Avengers X Reader) SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING: SELF- HARM MENTIONS Request: ... a super angsty self-harm one with avengers.

Where Do Babies Come From? (Avengers X Child!Reader) Warnings: Mild swearing, sex ed talk Request: … reader is the little protect one sister of the avengers (like 12 years old) and she goes around the tower asking the avengers how babies are made. (she doesnt have a mom, so she doesnt know anything) and Tony freaks out because doesnt want her to grow up! …

Phantom (Avengers X Fem!Reader) | Part 2 Request: ... reader’s super badass the team rarely sees her shes like a ninja and according to clint who ever sees her outside missions will have a lucky day (lmao) and like when the teams having movie night shes just like standing behind them in the shadows ...

No Spoilers (Avengers X Reader) | Part 2 | Part 3 Warnings: Spoilers of AOU SET BEFORE AOU Request: ... reader from our universe gets dropped into the avengers.

One Last Goodbye (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Death, mourning. Request: … reader died during a mission. Fury give Tony a USB key and told him to watch the video with the rest of the avengers. on the video the reader is talking about how much she loved them and tells each avenger little facts that she loved about them and she thanks them for being her family. …

Birthday Girl (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Request: ... it’s the female readers birthday. She works with the Avengers but aside from that she doesn’t have any friends. She is having a bad birthday, the avengers don’t know. They find out it’s her birthday and surprise her, making it better. …

Welcome to the Family (Avengers X Elf!Reader) Warnings: Mentions of neglect Request: ... reader is half human, half light elf but you were taken from Alfheim and abandoned on earth when the dark elves attacked. (From Thor) The avengers find you and take you in. Thor offers to bring you home but you’ve gotten attached to the human world and decides to stay. You’ve especially gotten attached to Tony cause he treated you like a daughter since you were very young and petite. Smaller then normal elves

Not Your Fault (Avengers X Fem!Teen!Reader) Warnings: Mention of extreme injury, disability, guilt. Request: ... reader is Tony’s teen daughter and she is really good friends with everyone in Team Cap but then during the airport fight she gets hurt and is unable to walk again ... and then when she sees Team Cap again they feel really guilty specially because one of them caused the injury and Natasha feels angry at herself because she was supposed to be her mother figure and look out for her ...

Fitting In (Avengers X Adopted!Reader) Request: ... Tony, being known for his impulsive choices adopts a 14 yr old girl. She’s got the innocent girl next door look but she’s a complete devil. Nat loves her, Clint is afraid of her and Loki, Bucky and Sam are her partners in crime for evil pranks. All is well until she pulls a prank on Bruce and he hulks out. But even Hulk falls under her innocent spell and can’t seem to do anything to her.

Hair Pulling (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Hair pulling, pulling hair out Request: ... One of the Avengers finds out that the reader has trichotillomania and try’s to help them to stop?

Headaches (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Spoilers of AoU, Illness, swearing, mention of getting high and drunk Request: The reader is sick all of the time and the avengers are concerned about them, so they have to try and convince the avengers that they’re okay in the long run ...

Killer Cupcakes (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Serious illness, near death Request: ... reader is like really sick/hurt and tries to hide it from the other avengers, but they find out and freak bc she almost died ...

The Ultimate Sacrifice (Avengers X Male!Reader) Warnings: Death of character, description of death, mourning Request: ... they’re trapped in a capsized (upside down) cruise ship and the reader ... sacrifices himself to save the group, based on the song My Immortal by Evanescence ...

Animals (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Swearing Request: ... reader is sort of spiritually connected with animals or has some sort of connection with animals where they just adore her ... and the avengers ... keep finding random animals around the tower and Tony keeps telling her off for it; secretly everyone finds it amusing and the reader knows this.

I Need My Family (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Mention of harrassment, assault and swearing Request: ... reader is part time university student - part time Avenger ... and reader somehow gets into some trouble that involves the police, and they try to keep it secret from the others, but Steve finds out and tells Wanda, then they tell the others ...

Other Me (Bucky X Fem!Reader) | *PREQUEL* [Part 2] | Part 3 *Sequel Warnings: Needles, stabbing, blood, death Request: … reader joined the avengers before Bucky. He sees her as sweet, shy and innocent but during missions she’s a complete psycho? After missions its like nothing happened. So he asks Steve about it and he says she’s like that cause before missions they take her off her meds that keep her in check. If she doesn’t have them she’s kinda over the top angry.

Hidden Art (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Request: ... reader is a shy recruit at the Avengers and she doesn’t really talk to anyone and didn’t let anyone in her room, and one day someone walked to her room and found out that she was very good at art ...

Joining The Team Pt 1 (Avengers X Reader) | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 ~Finale Warnings: Blood, Violence, torture Request: ... Avengers x reader fic, really angsty ...

Compromised (Neal Caffrey X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Nat kills someone, violence Request: ... Neal Caffrey (reader’s boyfriend) finds out she’s an Avenger, and the Avengers find out she has a boyfriend? Mozzie is protective of Neal and Nat and Bucky are protective of reader and try to scare Neal into backing off?

I’ll Kill Him (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mentions of Domestic abuse. Request: Reader is the Avenger’s assistant and like a little sister to them, and one day she doesn’t come into work and Bucky goes to her house to make sure she’s OK and finds out she’s in an abusive relationship and helps her.

Where’s Nat? (Avengers X Teen!Reader) Warnings: Blood. Looooots of blood. Request: teen reader has period and goes to avengers for help but Nat isn’t home – Tony is her uncle!

Not alone (Avengers X Reader) SERIOUS WARNING: SELF HARM MENTIONS. Other warnings: Getting shot. Request: Avengers see Reader’s self harm scars and confront her

Overprotective much? (Avengers X Fem!Reader) Warnings: One swear word, threatening, flirting, drinking and attempted murder by an overprotective brother. Request: ... reader is Tony´s sister and she is really beautiful (thats why Tony won´t introduce her) and the avengers are surprised and start bothering Tony and he gots really jealous and protective ...

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sushiburritonoms · 3 years

Note

DinLuke 10. high school popular kid/nerd au

I've been sitting on this AU Fic request all week because High School was a long time ago for me and I have no idea what all you young people are doing these days. After talking to Dark, I finally came up with an idea based off what I remember from high school in the 1990s. Hence this is one of the more serious ficlets I've done, but then again I've never thought of the high school genre as a happy one? Unless we're talking about Sailor Moon or something (which trust me I WAS TEMPTED).

10. High school popular kid/nerd AU

Warnings: USA centric, Time period appropriate homophobia, homophobic language, school bullying.

This looked so easy in the movies.

Din squinted at his target, readjusted his stance and after a moment, let the small pebble fly from his hand. It made a graceful arch…and landed on the top of the roof instead of hitting Luke’s second floor bedroom window. Again. He groaned.

“I can’t believe you’re the Captain of the football team.”

Din yelped and spun around. Standing directly behind him was Luke’s twin sister, staring at him with an annoyed expression on her face. She was still dressed in the same white cardigan, pink spaghetti strap tank and skinny jeans he’d seen her in at school, and was carrying her silver JanSport bag on her back and her clarinet case in one hand. If looks could kill, Din would be….well. Not dead, but most likely wounded, since the look Leia Amidala Skywalker was giving him was one of distrust and utter annoyance.

A thousand different excuses flew through Din’s head, in one ear and out the other. Of all the things he could have said, what actually came out was, “I thought you had Jazz Band today.” Or was it Model UN? Was it Thursday yet?

“It was cancelled. Ms. Junda is out sick.” Leia used her free hand to push her glasses further up her nose. “Why didn’t you just use the front door like a normal person?” She shook her head at him and started to walk towards her front door.

Din hesitated.

Leia looked back and rolled her eyes. “My parents aren’t home. My mom has another fundraiser and my dad got dragged into helping. Doesn’t my parasitic twin tell you anything?”

Din frowned. He took AP Bio and that insult made no sense. “Did you two have another argument?”

Leia gave him an incredulous look. “We never fight.”

Not according to Luke, but Din wisely avoided mentioning that. “My pager got confiscated,” Din admitted. “It went off during history and Mr. Mundi took it.”

“You could have just talked to him,” Leia said. Then she used the palm of her hand to hit her head. “Oh duh, I forgot. You’re too cool to talk to Wormie and Squirmie at school.”

“Hey!” Din walked over to Leia. “I don’t call you guys that.” He hated Luke and Leia’s stupid nicknames. He couldn’t stand the way the other kids treated the Skywalker twins, especially Fett and his gang of morons.

Leia’s hand jingled as she pulled out her house key. “You don’t stop them,” she said quietly as she turned her back to Din. “It’s pretty much the same thing.”

Din felt his heart drop into his chest. That wasn’t true. Every time he heard his teammates talking smack about other kids he told them off. But apart from Football practice, he didn’t really spend time talking with Fett and his friends. He was too busy working his afterschool job at Blockbuster and helping his foster mom with the other kids. “I would,” he protested. “If Fett or anyone else ever said anything to my face about you and Luke, I would smack ‘em.”

Leia side eyed him, with her hand still clutching at her front door. “What about Han? Would you stand up for him?”

“Han Solo?” Din blinked. The infamous dropout of Coruscant High? “I thought he joined a biker gang?”

That was the wrong thing to say. Leia whirled around. “No he didn’t! What is wrong with you!” She swung her clarinet case at Din and he had to take several steps back. “I don’t know what Luke sees in you, you stupid jock!”

“HEY! Shhh! I’m sorry, I’m sorry ok! Calm down!” Din looked around nervously to see if anyone had heard Leia. He had no idea what he’d done to piss Luke’s sister off. They’d never had more than a few short conversations with each other ever since Din moved into town two years ago.

“What? You don’t want people to know you’re a homo?” Leia shouted at him. She had tears in her eyes. “You afraid you’ll stop being Mr. Popular if they knew you were a gaylord like Luke? Huh? You thick headed, scruffy looking….Neanderthal!”

“Leia!”

Din and Leia both froze. They hadn’t noticed the front door opening nor noticed Luke until he was standing right in front of them. His blond hair was all disheveled and he had an ice pack in one hand and the beginnings of an awful black eye on his swollen face. His lip was cut up and there was blood dotting his green t-shirt.

“What happened!” Din blurted out. He pushed past Leia to hover next to Luke. “Who did this?!”

Luke winced and pulled away before Din could touch his face. “I’m fine. Will you two get in here before you get outed to the entire town?”

Din opened his mouth to reply but was shoved into the doorframe by a furious Leia. “I didn’t know it was this bad.” She grabbed her brother’s hand and dragged him into their living room.

“I’m fine!” Luke repeated. “How’d you even find out?”

“Amy told me. She saw the fight.” She pulled Luke over to their couch and nudged her brother into sitting. Din quietly closed the door and watched the siblings from a safe distance. Amy must have been Amilyn Holdo, the school’s resident weirdo. She was one of Leia’s best friends and another frequent target of the meaner kids in their class.

“Ugh Leia, quit it! Did you skip Jazz Band for me?!” Luke tried to wiggle away from his sister as Leia fussed over his cut lip.

“I thought it was cancelled,” Din frowned.

“That’s what we’re telling my parents,” Leia muttered. “But I don’t think we can explain this!”

Luke sighed. “You know they won’t even notice.” He sounded so defeated that Din felt a surge of rage at Mrs. Skywalker and her busy city council career.

“Mom’s gonna notice a black eye!” Leia paused. “Eventually.”

Din counted to three just like his foster mother was always telling him to do. “Will someone tell me what the hell happened?!”

Both twins turned to look at him simultaneously, doing that creepy staring thing that made them frequent targets of the school bullies. “Greedo,” they both said at once.

Ugh. He really liked Luke, but that was just too creepy. It reminded him of the movie Village of the Damned. “Christopher Greedo?”

They both nodded. “He insulted Han,” Luke protested. “Spreading rumors about him and nobody was saying anything.”

OH. Now Leia’s earlier comments made sense. “You tried to fight Greedo?” Chris Greedo was infamous for his bad temper, a real ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ type of jerk.

“He keeps spreading that stupid biker gang rumor. Nobody knows what really happened to him.” Luke kept clenching and unclenching his fists--which also looked bruised. “I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Din slowly started to approach the twins, keeping one eye on Leia. She glared at him but still scooted over so that Din could sit next to Luke.

“What really happened?” He asked gently. He only hesitated for a moment before he reached over and grabbed one of Luke’s bruised hands.

“Han’s old man threw him out.” Leia answered instead of Luke. “He’s been homeless for the last four months.”

“He’s currently living with Chuy Baca’s family on the East Side,” Luke added. “It’s not fair! Han was so close to finally graduating this year but Leia and I can’t convince him to come back.”

“That’s messed up,” Din said as he looked at Leia. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

It felt like he was being judged by Leia as her brown eyes peered into him. “It’s alright,” she said finally. “Now you do.”

There was a whole lot of school politics that Din didn’t understand, even though he’d been living in Coruscant for two years. He knew that Han, Leia and Luke’s nerdy group of friends were low on the social totem pole and by sheer luck Din’s athletic ability meant he was attractive to the popular group that ran the school. Boba Fett in particular acted like he was some sort of king and because Din was useful to him he had become one of the ‘cool kids’ for the first time in his life. Boba had some sort of grudge against the Church that Luke’s parents attended (Church of the Sith Eternal or something like that). The other kids also picked on Leia because she was at the top of their class and Luke because he was gay. It didn't matter that Leia had garnered enough votes from the underclassmen to become the secretary of the Student Council. She wasn’t liked by Boba, so that meant the Juniors and Seniors had it out for her.

Din had tried to stay out of the politics. He had his Senior year and then he was done--he would be finished with school and aged out of the foster care system. Maybe he’d go community college (if by some miracle he could find the money) but most likely he’d end up in the military like his foster brother Paz. He had so many other problems to deal with, from helping out his loving but overworked foster mother to his uncertain future. But now as he looked at the horrible bruising on Luke’s face and the tears that still lingered in Leia’s eyes, he realized he was making a huge mistake. Distancing himself from the twins and taking refuge in his own popularity wasn’t right. Somebody had to stand up to the ridiculous bullies of Coruscant High. Starting with that slimy bitch Greedo.

“Easy, Romeo.” Din felt a pillow smack the side of his head and he looked up to see Leia shaking her head at him. “I can feel the bloodlust from here. Punching Greedo in the face isn’t gonna help Luke and you’ll only get yourself detention.”

“I’m fine!” Luke insisted as he gingerly put his ice pack back on his eye. They ignored him.

“He can’t keep getting away with this,” Din argued.

“I agree but we have to be smart about this. I’ve seen your GPA Djarin, I know you’re not a moron.”

Luke frowned. “How did you see his grades? Are you hacking into Principal Windu’s computer again?!””

Din tilted his head. “You have a plan.”

Leia adjusted her glasses again. “I have several plans, ranging in severity. Some of which hinge on you.”

Luke groaned. “Oh no.”

“Me?”

“Amilyn and I have a plan to take out the worst of Luke’s tormentors…” Leia hesitated for a moment before continuing, “but it depends on if you’re willing to come out of the closet or not.”

“What! NO!” Luke jerked up before Din could say a word. “You can’t Leia, he’s gonna go to the army next year! They won’t take him if he’s out!”

Leia nodded. “We don’t have to use that plan--”

“--I never said I was going to enlist for sure,” Din interrupted. “I’d like to hear all your plans first.”

Luke turned to him with wide eyes. “No! I’m not worth it!”

“Don’t say that!” Leia scoffed. “If anything, he’s not worth it.”

“Hey.” Din frowned.

“He’s about to graduate!” Luke said to his sister. “Why would we drag him down with us when he’s close to getting out of this hellhole!”

“Because you still have one more year and I can’t take this anymore.” Leia was crying now, slow tears dripping from the corners of her eyes. “Luke, please. Let me help.” She turned to Din. “I know you don’t really want to join the army, I heard you talking to Fennec last week. If you’re willing to work on this with me and Amy, I’ll see to it my mom hires you after you graduate.”

Din hesitated. A promise of a job after high school, something that paid more than Blockbuster, would be a real life changer for him. But there was a problem. “Wait. Will this plan of yours out Luke to your parents? I thought they’d be against it because of their religion.”

This made Leia snort. “Please, my dad is the worst Sith in the world and my mom is only in it for him. The bonus is that this plan would convince dad to finally leave that cult.”

Luke shook his head. “If Aunt Ahsoka and Ben weren’t enough to get dad to leave, why do you think he’d leave for me.”

Din tightened his grip on Luke’s hand. “Your dad loves you,” he said quietly. “I’ve seen how he interacts with you. I’ve always thought you weren’t giving Anakin enough credit.”

Leia nodded. “We’re almost in the new millenium, lots of people are out now,” she argued. “It's not like how it was when Aunt Ahsoka was outed.”

“I don’t know, this is a lot!” Luke moaned. But he allowed Din to tuck his head onto his chest and to wrap his arms around him. Din was happy to see Leia smile at them instead of reacting with any sort of disgust.

“Why don’t we just take this one step at a time,” Din suggested. “Can you call Amilyn over to talk about all these different plans?”

Leia nodded. She wiped her face with the back of her cardigan sleeve and took a deep breath. “I’ll page her. Will you stay for dinner? We’re ordering pizza. Our parents will be out all night.”

“I need to call home, but yeah, sure.” He wasn’t one to turn down free food.

“Coolio. I’ll brb!” Leia shot up from the couch. She walked over to her brother and gave him a soft kiss on the head. It meant that she had to lean close to Din and he could smell something sweet and floral in her carefully braided hair. “We’re gonna be ok, little brother.”

“I’m two minutes older,” Luke griped. But Din felt Luke relax in his arms.

As Leia left to use the phone in the kitchen, Din slowly loosened his grip around Luke, enough so he could look at his eye. “I thought I taught you to duck.”

“I did! The first time.” Luke flinched as Din carefully applied the ice pack to his face again. “I tried to go low like you said, but then Greedo got me with his knee.”

“That bastard fights dirty,” Din growled. He was going to have to create an ‘accident’ for Greedo in the hallway tomorrow. If he called in his favor to Boba, he might even get one of his lackeys to do it for him.

Din felt Luke’s fingers twist into his plaid shirt. “Let it go. Please. It’s not right if we stoop to his level. And you shouldn’t come out for me, it’ll just ruin your senior year.”

“Who cares about senior year? Why does everyone make such a big deal about it?! Best years of our lives--that’s depressing as shit.” Din raised his hand to Luke’s chin and gently cupped his face. “I’ve been a big fat coward, ok? This is wrong, Luke. There’s nothing wrong with us.”

Luke swallowed. “There’s a big difference between everyone thinking you’re a fag and being in an actual relationship. I don’t know if you or I are ready for that.”

Din knew what Luke meant. He didn’t know any gay couples. Just rumors of various people, like Luke’s aunt, that existed in their town. There was a significant part of him that was terrified of the consequences of Leia’s plan. Would he still be able to play Football? Would his teammates be afraid of him? What if Leia was wrong and Anakin forbid him from ever seeing Luke again?

But then again, Leia was also right. Luke had one year left and what would happen once he was gone and unable to divert the worst of Luke’s tormentors from jumping him in the hallways? It wasn’t fair to let the injustice in Coruscant stand. Not while he was still around to do something about it.

“I want to take you to Homecoming,” Din admitted. “I want to see you in a stupid rented tux and make out with you in front of Mr. Windu.” Luke giggled, then winced as it made his lip hurt. “And Han should be there with Leia so she can finally make him slow dance.” Din’s hands wandered into Luke’s hair as he dragged him closer.

“Han dances like a penguin,” Luke sighed. He slowly rested his forehead onto Din’s. “He’s got two left feet.”

“Even better.” Din carefully kissed the side of Luke’s mouth, careful to avoid his cut.

“Promise me you won’t do something stupid,” Luke pleaded. “We can wait until I graduate and then we can both leave this trash town.”

Instead of answering, Din pulled Luke into his arms and held him close. He looked up and saw Leia return to the living room. He locked eyes with her and nodded.

“I won’t let them hurt you anymore.”

#this is also a role reversal fic kinda sorta #Let Din be the cool kid for once #Leia the jazz band clarinet player is dedicated to Sadie #Nerd Leia is life #spoilers: in the end Luke and Din do go to homecoming together and Anakin gets his head out of his ass #I never went to homecoming or any shit like that so I aint writing it #I was a theater kid and I went to see one of the prequels after prom thats how cool I was #sbficlets #din/luke

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aimasup · 4 years

Text

So I saw a bunch of Human AU Sanders Sides and thought I could make my own version

Backstories under the cut for anyone who’s interested

(Tw warnings such as mentions of abuse, homophobia and car accidents but it’s angst with a happy ending don’t worry)

-Long post-

-Patton:

Toddler to child: Parents love me and I love them! Lots of friends in kindergarten! Met Logan one day! He’s so smart!

Grade school: More friends! Logan’s opening up! Everything’s perfect!

Highschool: My parents are arguing more and I’m tired Meeting Roman and Remus! Roman’s so cool! Meeting Virgil! Virgil needs a hug! I feel sad and stressed sometimes and I don’t think I want to worry anyone with it.- Virgil’s with us now yay!

College: My best buds are here! I got into an accident halfway through my studies Virgil please don’t feel responsible. It’s not your fault. I’m so sorry Logan I should have understood your situation better. Roman please get mad I deserve your anger and I feel awful and empty but I shouldn’t show it because some people have it worse than I do I know it why do I feel this way? I’m fine honestly this is fine everything’s fine I’m just the problem -

Adulthood: So. I’m not the problem. I just need to work on my attitude and my flaws. I love my friends and family so much because they let me know that expressing my feelings is ok! My parents are fine now! I’m getting professional help! I work in an animal care center with Virgil! Roman is successful and pursuing his dreams! Met this guy named Dean and he works with Logan in the bookstore next to our center! He’s fun but he might need to stop lying so much, but other than that I’m happy with where I am now!

-Virgil:

Toddler to child: Parents love me and I love them. Bullies can go suck it. I feel bad that my parents always spend their time comforting me but they’re my whole world and I feel safe with them.

Grade school: Bullies are getting worse. Dad’s dead. Mom is stressed and busy so I don’t want to trouble her further. She still spends time with me for some reason. I don’t think I deserve friends. MCR is great. I met Dean and Remus. They’re. Interesting. I hate Roman.

High school: Oh my god everything is stressful and oppressive and everyone is scared of me. That’s good. Maybe. Met Patton, Logan and Roman. They’re only somewhat scared? Hm. Dean and Remus are getting into even more trouble than usual and pulling me into them. Maybe they aren’t good for me with how they’ve been acting lately. I’ll go be with Patton. - Maybe they don’t really accept me they’re just waiting to kick me out like everyone else why would they even like me-

College: Mom I love you so much I swear I’ll get a good job and make this college money worth it you’ll see. And things are surprisingly less stressful? I really like my friends? Patton why the hell did you save me from that car. Logan you have some explaining to do. Roman you shut the fuck up. - Everything is my fault I should have never said anything why am I always like this everyone was right about me-

Adulthood: Mom!! You can now retire!! Roommates with Patton, Logan and Roman now and I love being with them so much. And. Dean and Remus are still around. Well then. Whatever. I work a nice job at an animal care center with Patton and I have my friends and I’m learning to be more open and things are going well for now. Not bad for a life.

-Logan:

Toddler to child: Parents go to work most of the time and I see them every other weekend. Who cares about everyone else in kindergarten I have my books and Crofters. Oh hello Patton.

Grade school: I’m smarter than everyone else and I know it. Patton is a wonderful companion. I’m doing well for my age.

High school: Virgil and Roman are interesting. Remus needs to chill. Virgil no let me lay some facts down for you because you are valid you hear me. Oh! Oh my gosh! I met this amazing student and he makes me feel special and happy! I think I love him! - It hurts but that’s fine-

College: I’m coming for those degrees! Patton needs to stop asking me to leave my boyfriend. He doesn’t understand how important this man is to me! I can stand a little pain! Wait what happened to Patton. Virgil? Roman? Ok. Wait. Shit. I’m an idiot. I can’t believe it took me this long to figure out - I’m such an idiot it doesn’t matter how knowledgeable I am I’m still a gullible moron when it comes to relationships and everything my ex has ever done and said to me is all my fault because I fell for his manipulations-

Adulthood: Ok. I trust my therapist and my friends when they say it’s not my fault and that it’s alright. What I felt with my ex wasn’t love and I’m not a moron for falling for him. I can always start over. Like with the bookstore I now own with my receptionist Dean. Apparently he knows Virgil huh. They frequently bicker whenever Dean goes to their animal care center to buy snake feed so that’s interesting. My parents have retired and are now trying to make up for lost time with me? I appreciate it I suppose. Now I live with my companions and contact my family and things are alright.

-Roman:

Toddler to child: Parents love me and I love them! They buy me anything I want! They support my dreams! But Remus keeps bullying me and I’m not sure how to feel about him. He’s still my brother

Grade school: I have so many friends! Extra-curricular activities because I’m really talented! Remus has new friends to cause trouble with oh boy. More people to bully me the better for him ugh. Virgil especially creeps me out. I’m getting a little concerned as to how my parents are treating Remus but I’m sure he’s fine

High school: Ok. So. Apparently telling my parents that I like guys is a bad idea. - That’s going to scar on my back for sure- They treat me completely differently from when I was a kid? And I met Patton and Logan and I think I might be a tad spoiled by my family. Also Virgil’s here but he’s getting more and more ok. I’ll hang out with him now. - I’m ungrateful and a disgrace and I’m not as creative as I ever thought I was-

College: Welp. I’m moving out. I wish Remus the best of luck because I think he’s coming too. My parents officially suck as much as Logan’s current boyfriend. He needs to dump him. Wait I’m a YouTuber now! Yay! - I’m getting more and more stressed and overwhelmed from debt and I fear rejection from my fans and friends the moment I say something out of line and the moment I run out of good ideas for them- Oh shit Patton what happened!! Logan what did you do!! Virgil you shut the fuck up!! Remus you’re not helping!! - I could have prevented this why didn’t I realize this earlier am I that self absorbed-

Adulthood: Yes I’m a full time YouTuber and actor and singer now!! Patton, Logan and Virgil live with me now and they even work close together! Remus is now a comic book artist and novel author, hope he doesn’t traumatize people too much. Logan’s receptionist Dean sure is a character. I still fear rejection- but I know things will be good for now!

-Deceit:

Toddler to child: Where are my parents. Why is the orphanage so small and why do people look at me weird when I talk. I’m never getting adopted.

Grade school: Well, I’m adopted now I guess. No way in hell am I telling them everything that happens daily in my life. Why do my new parents think my bedroom door needs to be removed. They took my little garden snake because it wasn’t a ‘normal’ pet? Hm. Why hello there Virgil and Remus. Hello Roman.

High school: That’s it. I’m getting piercings, I’m getting a huge tattoo, I’m kissing snakes. Screw my parents. I don’t need to let anyone know anything about me. My opinion doesn’t matter anyways and everything about me is going to be bad no matter what so why bother So they fear us, Virgil? Good. Wait. Where are you going?

College: I’m moving out officially. Remus is in a different college. -Don’t miss him at all. I shall play along to society’s whims for now and get a degree and never use it. Got rid of the tracker under my car. I don’t think I’ll ever contact my parents again.

Adulthood: I think I’m doing rather well as a citizen. Remus is my new apartment mate oh god. But he is now a comic book artist and novel author so at least he has a job. Perks of working in a bookstore with Logan. That nerd’s one of Virgil’s new friends? And emo boy now works in the animal care center next to us? Whatever. I’ll leave them be unless I need some new snake feed. Things are peaceful now for me at least.

-Remus:

Toddler to child: I want my parents to look me in the eye and tell them they care more than just throwing fancy stuff into my arms dangit. Whatever I’ll just take it out on Roman and the kids in the playground.

Grade school: -If you can’t say anything nice don’t open your ugly mouth ever at all- So I’m disturbed? So my thoughts aren’t normal? Fine! Not like I can control what comes into my head! Let me bully Roman some more with my new buds Virgil and Dean! - freaking star child has everything I hate him so much what will it take for my parents to have their attention on me I’ve caused so much trouble in school why won’t they care-

High school: Roman what the hell happened?? I was planning your murder but now I’m not sure how to feel?? Damn you?? Uh?? We’ll move out?? And where the hell is Virgil going again?? Dean?? He’s leaving us? Alright. That’s it. That’s it - my grades and reputation are shit and my parents always assume the worst of me anyways so I’ll just sleep around with a bunch of guys every other week for quick cash and drag my family’s name through the mud and have fun because I don’t hate myself completely but my ideas are bad and I’m bad and-

College: Fuck you mom and dad! Roman and I are moving out!! I’m gonna become a comic artist and write terrifying stories that’ll make Satan cry!! - Ugh Dean’s in another college dammit I miss him- Roman what is it this time someone get run over or something? What happened with that nerd Logan? Is Virgil alright- What the fuck happened? - the star child is crying why are you crying why am I crying why do I feel like this I don’t care I shouldn’t care I hate you I hate me-

Adulthood: My ideas are selling! I’m a comic book artist and a novel author! Dean is my new apartment buddy! My brother is still some fancy theater geek but who cares! And the store Dean works at sells my books! And Virgil’s in the animal care center next door! I met his new friends officially and they’re boring lol. I really like where my life’s heading!

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emiefaunwrites · 3 years

Note

Maybe Leon tells Taka what happened with his first boy crush? And Taka has to comfort him?

(and Mondo tells the gang to beat the shit out of this dude?)

Hey anon!

Ahhhhh another thing I've been debating writing for recently. Slightly torn with this as it sort of bleeds into a future BA chapter (but again thats ages away!). But I think it's about time we discuss. So the basic premise of my BA is the same but this is an idea that I rejected for an slightly sadder and more angsty one for the fic.

Once again, trigger warnings for homophobia in this.

Brace yourselves guys. Time for Leon backstory.

********************

• It's no secret that Leon has had many relationships in the past.

• All female, of course.

• But what a lot people don't know is that Leon has been gay for the whole time.

• And all the girlfriends he had were just for show to hide his true self.

• He had no intention of hiding. He never used to be ashamed of the way he felt.

• But after certain events, he felt the cruel reality of homophobia and made sure the whispers that almost spread around his school were squashed.

• And he had no intention of ever revealing his past to anyone. Especially not Taka.

• But he let slip one day a detail that Taka found odd. A detail regarding his first kiss.

• Leon, as he was describing the moment to his friends, said 'he' before correcting himself quickly to say'she'.

• Of course, Taka waited until they were alone to approach the topic and it took a lot of convincing before Leon caved and shakily retold the story.

• When he was growing up, Leon wasn't anywhere near as loud and in-your-face as he comes across now.

• In fact, he was pretty quiet and blended in quite a lot - shortish brunette hair, no piercings, fairly normal style of clothes.

• The only thing that stood out was his baseball skills and it was no secret, even to him, that the team hated him.

• The only person on there that didn't was the other first year on the team - a boy called Ken Hagiwara.

• They got on pretty well since their personalities were similar and it was nice to have someone there to make practices bareable.

• It was pretty immediate - Leon's attraction to the boy. But this was his first crush and he didn't really know how to act on it.

• And he REALLY wasn't sure if Ken even felt the same - they're both boys after all and Leon had never heard of a same-sex couple in his school before.

• So he kept hanging out with him and his crush kept getting stronger and stronger.

• Especially when they were alone and Ken would touch his hand when he laughed and say nice things about his appearance.

• It all came to a head one day when they were doing homework together at Ken's house and they were laughing over a joke that Leon had made about something stupid.

• And they happened to lean a little closer than normal to each other mid laugh.

• Leon had no idea what to do so just waited.

• And it was Ken that initated the kiss.

• Neither boy had ever kissed before so it was probably a really bad kiss in comparison - but to 14 year old Leon it was perfect.

• It was okay to like boys because the boy he liked felt the same!

• At the end of the day, he practically skipped home - telling his parents that he had someone he wanted them to meet.

• But what he didn't realise that Ken was being bullied by the captain of the baseball team. Badly.

• And even though he probably did feel that way for Leon, the captain's proposal was just too good to refuse.

• So when Leon came to school the next day, everything seemed to be fine.

• Apart from Ken avoiding his eyes the whole day.

• Leon was confused and wanted to check everything was fine.

• He found out what the problem was in front of his entire team when the captain called him out for being gay.

• And Ken told them all that Leon had forced him to kiss him the night before.

• Leon's heart shattered at the cruel laughter and disgusting comments from everyone around him - silently wondering what he'd done to deserve this.

• And he came to the conclusion that it was his punishment for having feelings for men. He was wrong for thinking that way and no one would ever accept him.

• So the only way to get past this was to harden his heart and never fall for another boy. And he needed some serious damage control.

• He lost his shit at the team, calling Ken a liar and all kinds of obscene things because HE was the gay one - not Leon.

• 'He even LOOKS gay! Look at him! HE'S the one that kissed me! Fucking gross!'

• The team didn't believe him but they definitely turned on Ken too - who begged the captain to stop what was happening.

• But a bully is a bully. And the captain did nothing but encourage.

• Leon managed to get himself a girlfriend the very same day, a girl who had confessed to him a few weeks back, and managed to stop the rumours spreading much further than the baseball team.

• Ken though, not so lucky. He ended up transferring schools to get away.

• Not once did he apologise to Leon - he just kept trying to spread the rumour about him to everyone who bullied him to try and take the focus away from his own sexuality.

• So even though Leon now appreciates the situation Ken was in, he could never forgive him for betraying him that way.

• And that's why he's so frightened of what people think of him and why he changed so dramatically - he can't face the thought of that much heartache again.

• Taka, who's listened silently to his story, finally understands some of the strange things that Leon used to do and the motivation behind some of his behaviour.

• And it breaks Taka's heart.

• So he pulls him into a massive hug when he's done and tells him he never needs to worry about those things now that they're together.

• 'My love for you is real and something I cherish more than anything. I will never make you feel that small and ashamed. And I'll do everything in my power to make you feel safe.'

• Leon, who's held it together quite well, finally lets go and sobs into Taka's arms - blessed in the knowledge that its FINALLY okay to be in love with a boy.

• (Bonus scene - Leon eventually ends up telling the others about Ken and his team and Taka has to physically jump onto Mondo to stop him from charging off blindly to find every single member of Leon's old team to beat them black and blue).

#kiyotaka ishimaru #leon kuwata #ishileon #mondo oowada #ask request #anon ask #tw: homophobia

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oneletteredwondered · 4 years

Text

Unbroken

Sum: Reality can become what you dreamed of it.

Pair: Virgil/Remus, Dukexiety

Written for @dukexietyweek! Day 6: High School, continuation of my Day 2: Fairytales, you do not need to read that to understand this one at all.

Warnings: bullying, mentions of toxic parenting: physical abuse, alluded homophobia, nothing graphic or described in depth, swearing, kisses!!!!!!

The only reason Virgil doesn’t bang his head on the top of his locker is because he’s already looking down when he's shoved forward. The wind gets knocked out of him as his chest collides with the metal and his book drops from his hands. He glares over his shoulder at the responsible party.

“Watch it.” Remus growls at him and stalks off. Virgil continues to glare for a moment longer as Remus finds his friends and shoves them but far more friendly than he shoved Virgil. Virgil lets out a sigh and picks up his book, grimacing at the bent cover. He places it in his locker and closes the door to let his head rest against the cool metal.

“Are you alright Virgil?” He lifts his head at the question and offers a strained smile to Patton and Logan as they come closer.

“M’fine.” He says quickly. Patton pouts at him.

“Are you sure? That was a pretty rough-”

“I said I’m fine,” Virgil snaps and immediately winces. Luckily Patton just offers him a small smile in understanding. Logan is glaring over to where Remus is.

“Perhaps you should tell someone about his needless bullying of you.” He says. Virgil is already shaking his head before he finishes his sentence.

“Not worth it,” He says lowly. And really it’s not. Remus does far less to him than he could and he surely doesn’t believe the teachers could do anything to stop Remus should they want to.

“I do not understand why you put up with him,” Logan huffs but not unkindly. Virgil just shrugs and pulls his back pack up on his shoulder.

“Why do you put up with him?” Patton asks and the question feels like ice in Virgil's veins. He supposes he can tell them all about how Remus was his first and only friend for years until Remus one day told him he was weird and couldn't play with him any more. How all of Remus’s bright smiles turned to sneers and Virgil never really go to know why either. How sometimes if he catches Remus’s eye late at night across the dirt patch between their two homes Remus will wave sadly with just his fingers and so will his little brother Roman. He could tell them how part of him still hopes that the Remus he knew is still around somewhere lost in the pages of his childish writings.

“I don't know,” Virgil says instead, looking over at Remus and then back down immediately finding Remus already looking back at him.

“I don't know.” And they head to class without another word.

The air outside is calming so late at night. The rustle of trees in the distance provides the subtlest of white noise that has Virgil inhaling deep and calming down from his day. Not necessarily a difficult day, but Remus seemed more plucky, picking on him every chance instead of his usual every other chance. Virgil grit his teeth and bore it not knowing what else to do and not wanting to do what Logan suggests.

He made dinner for himself and saved the left overs in the fridge for when his momma gets home from another late shift. Now he’s just trying to enjoy the last of the day sitting in a field of grass and watching the stars and the whisps of clouds. His mind turns tales of the shapes he sees and tries to remember them all to write down later. Old habits die hard he suposses.

He’s nearly ready to go inside when he hears a crash from behind him. He twists in his spot to see the lights on in the house next door. Remus’s house. He’s frozen in his spot as he hears the yelling pick up. It’s muffled by the house but he knows it's angry and not good. Then the back door swings open harshly.

“I don’t fucking care!” Remus shouts and slams the door behind him so hard Virgil is surprised it’s still on it’s hinges. He remains frozen on the ground as Remus tears at his hair and stomps down the back porch steps and into the field. He walks right pass Virgil and farther out into the field where he stops, and screams.

Virgil winces at the noise, very aware how the lights next door are now off and there’s a good chance Remus is not going to be let back inside. It’s happened once before. He keeps still as Remus kicks up the dirt and grass around him, working out his frustrations and muttering incoherent nonsense to himself, when he looks up and locks eyes with Virgil in the grass. Virgil flinches on reflex.

All at once it seems the weight of the world is dropped on Remus's shoulders, his posture deflates and he looks barely held together and quite frankly ready to cry. Virgil has never really seen Remus cry, not in years at least. Something twists in his stomach at the thought of it.

Remus stalks towards him but not in the proud deviant way he would when he wants tp push Virgil around, more resigned to his fate. So instead of running like Virgil normally would in this instance like how his anxiety wants him to, he stays put. He does lean away though when Remus drops next to him, hikes his legs up, and buries his head in his arms.

The silence is somewhat deafening but knowing Remus isn't going to push him or try to hurt him, Virgil slowly stops leaning away from him. They sit in quiet under the cover of darkness, Virgil returning to looking at the stars and the moon and the clouds attempting to cover them.

“You can stay the night,” He offers quietly.

That’s when he hears the gasping inhale next to him.

Virgil looks to the side and sees the shake in Remus’s shoulders, the tremble in his entire body.

Why do you put up with him? Virgil hears Patton ask in his head and Virgil thinks this is why. Because he knows all of Remus’s actions are products of his home life and the way his dad controls him. Because he sees the guilt cross Remus’s face when he pushes Virgil a little too hard. Because Remus lets out a barely audible ‘I'm sorry’ and Virgil’s heart breaks.

He throws his arms around Remus and is somehow relieved when Remus uncurls to latch onto him in return. He shoves his face into Virgil’s jacket and muffles his cries in the fabric, holding onto Virgil like it’s the last thing holding him to the earth itself. Virgil clings back just as hard trying to convey some sort of stability. He’s not sure how long they stay like that, but at least until Remus sobbing has stopped and died out to small hiccups. Virgil refuses to be the first to pull away.

Eventually Remus does and Virgil stands, ignoring the wet spots on his shoulder to give Remus his hand to pull him up. Remus takes it and when he’s standing and following Virgil into the house he doesn’t let go. Virgil isn’t going to tell him to.

He leads Remus up the stairs to his room, turning on a small light in the corner, and leaving Remus in the doorway to go close his blinds decidedly, not wanting to take the chance of Remus’s dad looking in. He finds a oversized shirt and hands it to Remus wordlessly, looking away when Remus just rips off his old shirt without a care. He shrugs off his hoodie with a gross expression at the snot on the sleeves and puts in the laundry basket when Remus speaks.

“I’m sorry,” He mutters. Virgil carefully looks at him, noticing the slump of his body and the way Remus hangs his head.

“It’s okay I can wash it,” Virgil says and Remus shakes his head.

“No I’m.. I’m sorry.” Remus repeats and finally looks up. His eyes are rimmed red from crying. Virgil twists his hands together now getting the point of the apology.

“It’s okay. I mean. Mostly. I get it.” He stutters and Remus shakes his head at him and drops it again. There’s silence then, awkard and tense. Virgil can feel the tension crawling across his skin.

“Is it wrong to like you?” Remus asks bluntly and the tension rises.

“What?” Virgil chokes out. Remus grits his teeth and runs a hand hazardously through his hair.

“Dad just. Always said it was weird or bad and I didn’t. It didn’t feel bad or weird and- and he hit me once and-” Remus lets out a strangled noise as Virgil’s eyes widen. “And I did. I do. Like you and it's. I don't. Is it bad?” Remus snaps his eyes up to stare at Virgil, fresh tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. Virgil can't very well breathe.

“I miss you.” Remus says softly and it’s like a dam breaks as he gasps and begins to cry again.

“I miss you so much. Fuck, you were my, are, my best friend and fuck I miss you. I miss you. I-” Remus drops to his knees, hands clawing at his face as he starts to sob again. Virgil doesn't waste anytime sliding to his knees and holding Remus close to him again, and once more Remus clings to him.

“I miss you so much. Fuck I’m so sorry.” Remus garbles out between his gasps. Virgil gently shushes him, forgivness already given in spades in his mind. He knew, knows, about why. He knows a part of him would have always forgiven Remus for this.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, I got you,” Virgil whipsers to him and Remus presses farther into the comfort of his arms. Much sooner than before Remus stops crying, tilting his head to just rest on Virgil’s shoulder as Virgil runs his fingers through Remus’s hair soothingly.

“He said, he said he’d get your mom fired if didn’t stop being friends with you. I couldn’t. I didn’t know what else to do,” Remus admits lowly. Virgil’s blood boils for a moment. Ever since he was little people looked down on his mom for being a single parent not knowing she was taking him away from a household too similar to her own childhood, a place she did not want Virgil growing up in.

“And I didn’t want you to have to leave because your mom couldn't work and I wanted you to stay here so I just. I got so mean to you, and then Roman started to want to wear skirts and dad got meaner and I couldnt-” Remus gasps hard. “I didn't know what to do.”

Virgil holds him, holds him for all the missed out hugs they could have had, all the hours they could have spent together. They sit like that until Virgil’s leg gets stiff and he has to move. They sit criss cross on Virgil’s floor face to face with their knees pressed together. A million thoughts burn through Virgil’s head and a million questions he doesn’t know where to start to ask.

“Remus I-” and Remus kisses him hard enough Virgil almost falls over. His eyes widen and Remus pulls away with a 'pop' that would be comical if Remus didn't immediately look panicked and shove Virgil away from him and spin around to not face him.

“Shit,” Remus curses mostly to himself and smacks his head to his hand, resting his arm on his knee and looking defeated. Virgil blinks dumbly at him as a burst of anxious anticipation bubbles up inside him. He remembers this feeling from when a younger Remus used to kiss his cheek and promise to be his.

“Remus-”

“Don’t," Remus snaps but doesn't raise his head from it's dropped position.

“I can handle rejection but please. I can't handle it if you hate me. Hate me more," Remus lets out a bitter sounding scoff and Virgil scrunches up his nose.

“I don't hate you.” He breathes out and if Remus hears him he doesn’t react. He does react, his whole body tensing, when Virgil carefully slides closer to him and reaches out. His fingertips brush Remus’s cheek and Remus flinches back at the touch, finally looking at him, causing Virgil to wince. Still he continues and gently places his hand on Remus’s cheek. Remus leans into the touch, nearly crying again, and it shows Virgil how little Remus has ever received such gentle touches. He wants to give him so much more.

Slowly Virgil leans foward and kisses him far more softly than Remus did. He breathes slowly into the kiss and pulls back soundlessly and the sigh Remus lets out is the most relieved thing Virgil has ever heard. He keeps his hand on Remus’s face and swallows hard, Remus zeros in on the motion and stares at his neck.

“We uh, we have a lot to talk about,” Virgil manages to say. Remus nods minutly.

“Yeah,” He agrees but his eyes haven't left Virgil's neck, or his lips, and to be fair, Virgil is looking back at his in return.

“Can we-”

“Yeah, did you want-”

“Yeah.” This time they meet each other half way. Virgil leans forward a bit more to brace the hand not on Remus’s face on the floor while Remus brings a hand up to tangle in Virgil’s hair and tug at the strands. Some of the emotions Virgil never really knew how to place when thinking about Remus have an outlet and he feels settled knowing where it all belongs.

They kiss until their postions get too uncomfortable which is much sooner than either of them would like. This time it’s Remus who helps Virgil off the ground. Virgil makes sure the curtains are decidedly closed just to be sure and Remus flicks off the small lamp in the corner.

Remus takes his hands and he’s being pulled into another kiss. They curl their fingers together as they continue to test the waters of this new aspect ebtween them.

“We still need to talk about this,” Virgil says in a daze. Remus nods dumbly.

“Yeah of course,” He says and kisses Virgil again. Virgil finds himself smiling into the kiss at the antics. Eventually he does pull back and snorts a laugh when Remus whines.

He crawls into bed and holds the covers up for Remus to crawl in after him. They shift to get comfy, Remus circling both his arms around Virgil's torso and smushing his face into Virgil's chest, while Virgil’s arms go over Remus’s shoulders to hold him close.

They don't talk that night about their relationship or whatever they want to be. Just cuddle each other close and remember what it's like to be with the other. Remus cracks silly jokes and lights up when Virgil laughs, and when Remus yawns and rests on his chest, comfortable and okay, for Virgil, it feels just like a fairytale.

#dukexietyweek2020 #dukexiety #virgil Sanders #remus Sanders #fic #my post #homophobia tw #parental abuse tw

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allsassnoclass · 3 years

Text

unmute: 2011

Hello friends here is chapter 1 of unmute, aka the off-screen prequel!

Fic tumblr masterpost

Read on AO3

warnings for this chapter: there is one mention of alcohol and there is one slight instance of homophobia (a microaggression)

thank you to bella @clumsyclifford for reading this over for me

Luke first meets Ashton on a normal Friday afternoon. They’re in Luke’s garage to give Michael’s granny flat a break, the door open to let the spring breeze in to occasionally ruffle their fringes. They’re messing around with a blink-182 song just for the heck of it when a bike skids to a stop on the sidewalk. Luke doesn’t even notice at first, too caught up in positioning his fingers correctly on the fretboard and getting the words right, but once they finish singing someone outside starts clapping and Luke startles bad enough that his cheeks immediately feel like they’re on fire.

“Wow, you guys are really good!” the cutest boy that Luke has ever seen says. Even from this distance, Luke thinks he can make out dimples at the corner of his smile.

“Thanks, mate!” Calum says. The cute boy gives a thumbs up and pedals away, and Luke tries to trade the embarrassment of being caught singing with the boys unexpectedly for the pleasant burning of the compliment instead.

It happens again the next week. The boy comes to a stop on his bike at the end of Luke’s driveway, and Luke notices him right away this time. He sends a small smile as he finishes the chorus and the boy beams, bopping his head along. When the final chord fades away, he claps, compliments them again, and then is off.

“Huh,” Michael says as the boy bikes away.

“What?” Luke asks.

“I’m pretty sure we’re Facebook friends. We met at a party. His name’s Ashton.”

“Invite him in next time, then,” Luke says. It ends up being futile, because Michael’s parents let them back in the granny flat after that and there’s no more practicing in Luke’s garage following school.

-/-

He runs into the cute boy again unexpectedly at the movie theater.

It’s embarrassing, because Luke had just been minding his own business waiting for popcorn and hoping that he doesn’t see anyone he knows when a few boys from his school spot him. Normally this would be fine, but Luke just got a haircut that he hates and he’s wearing his really dorky glasses, and these boys aren’t exactly bullies but they’re also not the nicest.

“Hey, Hemmings, how are you going to be a rockstar with those glasses?” one of them says, and the rest snicker, and Luke can feel himself closing in on himself instead of putting on his thick skin and acting like that doesn’t bother him.

“Maybe he’s trying to be a trendsetter,” one of the others says, glancing at him quickly. The boys scoff and Luke knows that he should say something, but he’s desperately hoping that Jack appears from where he ran off to the bathroom instead.

“Popcorn for the guy in the awesome green glasses,” someone says, voice strong and melodic, and when Luke turns it’s not Jack that’s come to his rescue but the cute boy, fringe sweeping across bright eyes and tan skin, wearing the uniform of the movie theater and holding out a tub of popcorn across the counter.

“Thanks,” he says, stepping forward to take it, and the boy smiles widely at him.

Luke had been right. He does have dimples. And straight teeth. And his eyes are hazel. His name tag says Ashton, so Michael wasn’t lying about having met him before. Luke wonders what he was doing when this party took place.

“Don’t listen to them,” Ashton says. “With a voice like yours, they’ll be eating their words soon.”

“I hope so,” Luke says, and then, because Michael says they have to advertise the band better, “I’m in a band. We’re called 5 Seconds of Summer, if you ever want to look us up.”

“I’ll do that,” Ashton says. “I’ll admit I’ve been disappointed when I bike by that house and you guys aren’t practicing.”

Luke’s heart does an excited little twirl at that, because Ashton seems genuine. Luke knows that the band is okay, otherwise he wouldn’t have put anything out on YouTube or let Michael and Calum invade his channel, but it’s nice to hear it from someone who isn’t an immediate family member.

“We’re practicing at Michael’s now,” Luke says. “Maybe--”

He stops, because that’s a silly idea.

“What?” Ashton asks, tiling his head slightly.

“Well, we haven’t done any official gigs yet so I can’t invite you to those, but it might be good to play for someone else who’s not related to us, if you wanted to sit in on a practice or something. But you don’t have to! It’d probably be weird and I don’t know if Michael and Calum would be okay with it, although neither of them minded you watching from the driveway…” he trails off, chewing his lip.

“I’d love that!” Ashton says enthusiastically, startling Luke out of the unfortunate swirl of thoughts centering around how awful it is that he’s still so awkward.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Ashton says. “If your bandmates are okay with it, of course, but I’d like that a lot.”

“Oh. Cool.”

Luke is trying to figure out if he should give Ashton his number, or ask for his, or how to go about coordinating this when the popcorn is snatched from his hands.

“Come on, Luke,” Jack says. “Movie’s starting.”

He doesn’t wait for him, just sets off for the theater, and Luke scrambles to orient himself and follow.

“I’ll have Michael message you on Facebook!” he calls over his shoulder, throwing out a wave. Ashton calls back a confirmation and returns the wave and then goes right back to smiling at the next customer and preparing concessions.

“Who was that?” Jack asks once they take their seats, thankfully before the previews have started.

“His name’s Ashton. He likes the band.”

“Wow, a fan,” Jack says without the proper amount of enthusiasm Luke thinks being in a band that has real fans out in the world should warrant. Luke elbows him and snatches the popcorn bucket, but not before Jack grabs a handful to stuff in his mouth.

Luke rolls his eyes and settles in for the movie. When they leave afterwards he looks for Ashton, but doesn’t see him behind the concession counter.

-/-

Their next rehearsal dissolves pretty quickly into Michael and Calum playing video games while Luke pretends to do his homework instead of watch them. He has a few assignments that need to get turned in to keep his grades up to his mum’s standard, but Michael and Calum are loud and vibrant and very, very distracting. Luke is laying on the floor to avoid any stray elbows that get thrown, but he can’t let his guard down just in case. As such, he’s done exactly half of a math problem.

When there’s a quiet moment he clears his throat and says “Hey, you guys remember Ashton?”

“The guy who was watching from the driveway?” Calum asks.

“Ashton from the party?” Michael adds.

“Yeah,” Luke says. “I ran into him at the movie theater. I think we should invite him to sit in on some practices.”

“Why?” Michael frowns. Luke shrugs.

“It’ll be good to play in front of an audience, even if it’s just one person. He seems cool and he likes the band.”

“Are we ready for that?” Calum asks. Luke shrugs again.

“We already put out stuff on YouTube. How much different can it be?”

“Yeah, but we mess up a lot before we upload the videos,” Michael says. He looks at Luke critically, squinting in a way that makes Luke want to retreat like a turtle, except he can’t even effectively do that because it’s spring and he’s in a t-shirt. Then Michael grins, wide and teasing. “Does he really like the band, or do you just have a crush on him?”

Luke feels a blush flare up on his face, the type that stings.

“Fuck you, I’m not gay!” he says, and a voice inside his head screams liar! He stamps it down viciously.

He isn’t gay. He might be bi, but that’s not relevant right now and he’s not going to make it relevant for a while, not when he doesn’t have to. All of the boys at their school are tools, so it’s not like he’s going to have the chance to explore that side of himself here, anyway.

Maybe if the band actually goes somewhere he will. But then again, maybe having a bi member would hurt them. Maybe he’ll end up keeping this between him and the poster of All Time Low in his room forever.

Either way, it’s not relevant right now. Luke likes flirting with girls and holding their hands and the few dry kisses he’s had, so he’s just going to focus on that.

“Aw, you do have a crush,” Michael says, catapulting him back to the real world, and his tone is teasing but it still makes Luke panic. It’s not even true, because Ashton is super cute and he seems nice but that’s not-- Luke’s not trying to get to know him because of that.

“Are you jealous?” Luke asks, switching tactics because the more he fights against them the more Michael and Calum will clamp down on this line of teasing like dogs sinking their teeth into a particularly good bone. Michael wrinkles his nose and recoils.

“Ew.”

And yeah, that stings a little, too.

Calum gets a look on his face that typically means he’s up to no good.

“I think I need to meet this Ashton guy,” he says. “See if he’s any good for our little Lukey.” He reaches over to ruffle his hair and Luke swats his hand away, which leads to a small tussle that ends in half of the pages of Luke’s textbook getting folded over.

“Fuck you guys,” Luke says once he has Calum in something resembling a headlock, a little out of breath but triumphant. “He just seems cool. I don’t have any cool friends and thought it’d be nice.”

“Hey,” Calum complains, then jabs him with his elbow and escapes.

“He says he’s free on Saturday,” Michael says, looking at his phone. “I don’t want him at our practices until I know he’s okay, so we’re going bowling.”

“No one who goes bowling is cool,” Calum says.

“Shut up, Calum,” Michael says, then begins the next round of their game with no warning, leaving Calum scrambling to get ready. Luke huffs a laugh and tries to get his textbook back to rights, even though he knows he won’t be getting any more homework done today.

-/-

On Saturday, Luke feels inexplicably nervous.

He shouldn’t, because Ashton isn’t special. He’s just a guy that they met and now are going to hang out with a little. Luke has already botched one conversation with him and survived, and he’ll have Michael and Calum with him this time for backup. Besides, if it turns out that Ashton is awful they simply won’t ever invite him over. If it turns out that he’s not, Luke could have a new friend.

He has friends. He’s not an outcast at school or anything, and Michael and Calum are amazing most of the time, so it’s not like he’s hurting for friends. Still, another one would be nice, and he really does think it could be good to get an outside perspective on their music.

His mum drops him off in front of the bowling alley where Michael is already waiting, running a hand through his fringe in a way that makes Luke think he might be a little nervous, too, which is unfortunate because Michael is typically the most boisterous out of them and Luke was counting on him to drag him through this if it starts to go sour. When necessary, Michael is really good at muscling through uncomfortable situations for the sake of Luke or Calum.

“Call me when you’re done,” his mum says. “Have fun.”

“Thanks,” he says distractedly, already partially out of the car. Michael immediately brightens when he sees him.

“Hi,” he says. Luke waves and jogs over. “Cal’s going to be a little late and I have no fucking clue when Ashton’s going to show up.”

Oh no. What if Ashton doesn’t want to come in general? What if he changed his mind and doesn’t think the band or Luke are hot shit? Then not only will Luke be sad, but Michael and Calum will never let him live it down.

“Mate, you look like you’re going to be sick,” Michael frowns. “Don’t barf on me. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Luke says. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

“It was your idea,” Michael says slowly.

“Yeah. Maybe it was bad.”

“Luke, he’s just some guy. It’s not like we’re proposing marriage. It’s not like he might join the band or anything. Relax.” He knocks their shoulders together, throwing Luke off-balance and then catching him with a hand on his arm when he doesn’t bounce back right away. Luke shrugs him off.

“I know that,” he says.

“So why are you being weird?”

He’s about to try to muster up an answer when someone calls their names. Luke whips around fast enough that Micheal has to steady him again, but Ashton either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care, because he continues steadily walking towards them and his smile doesn’t waver. Luke waves and hopes that that negates the fact that he just almost tripped over his own feet.

“Hey,” Michael says when he’s close enough. “How’s it going?”

“Good, good,” Ashton says. He rocks on his heels when he comes to a stop, and Luke feels inexplicably nervous again. It’s different from seeing him with a driveway or movie theater counter between them. Here there’s no distance or buffer, just Luke and Michael and Ashton.

At least his shirt is a pretty ugly purple. No one can be too intimidating when wearing a shirt like that.

They exchange pleasantries until Michael suggests they go inside and get themselves sorted while they wait for Calum to show up. They step into the air-conditioning and Luke immediately feels more at ease. He loves bowling alleys. He loves the gaudy carpet and the loud music and the weird lights and the funny shoes and the stacks of neon bowling balls by the lanes. He especially loves this particular alley because he can pinpoint the carpet stain where he spilled his coke while here with his family then didn’t tell anyone so it had time to set before it got cleaned, or the lane they used when Calum broke one of the bumpers because he doesn’t like bowling without them but threw the ball too hard.

“Can I tell you something?” Ashton asks while Michael is paying for the lane rental and getting shoes, leaning close to be heard over the music and crash of pins being knocked down in the background. He’s got his hands shoved in his pockets and a little smile on his face, and Luke is instantly convinced that he’d probably let Ashton say whatever he wants and hang off his every word.

“Sure,” Luke says.

“I’m shit at bowling. I don’t remember the last time I actually played.”

“It’s okay. Calum is, too,” Luke says. “That’ll make him like you. We’re not using the bumpers, though.”

Ashton frowns.

“Do you usually?”

Luke gets called up to the shoe rental before he can respond. While he’s kicking off his sneakers Calum arrives, prompting another flurry of greetings and introductions and small talk, then they finally all head to their lane and can begin the game.

Ashton is not nearly as bad at bowling as he had implied. He’s not great, and Luke is glad that the only real competition he has to worry about is Michael, but Calum still decidedly comes in last for their first round. He vows to take Ashton down for the second, which isn’t likely, but Luke likes the teasing it prompts between them.

Conversation flows naturally with none of the awkward pauses or weird adjustments that Luke had been preparing himself for. Honestly, it’s extremely easy to get along with Ashton. He fits into their little group seamlessly, cracking jokes and asking questions and keeping up with their topic changes like he’s been doing it for years. Luke’s not sure if he’s stopped smiling the entire time they’re bowling, and his smile is great. It takes over his entire face, wide and infectious, and Luke has to remind himself to stop staring multiple times.

It’s still not a crush, but Ashton is cute, okay? It’s an objective fact. Luke is allowed to notice cute people without having a crush on them.

After their time at their lane is up, Luke’s stomach grumbles and convinces them all to stop by the Macca’s next door before they have to call their parents. Luke wants to order one of everything on the menu, but he settles for some chicken nuggets and hot chips. All of them get a large fry, so Luke is pretty sure he’s going to get to eat Calum’s leftovers since he won’t have to fight Michael for them, anyway.

“So Ashton,” Michael says once they’re sitting. “Luke says you’re a fan of the band.”

“Yeah, you guys are pretty good,” he says, then pops some chips in his mouth.

“Do you play drums?” Calum asks around his own mouthful of burger. “‘Cause that’d be convenient.”

“No, I wish,” Ashton says ruefully. “I’m not very musical. My forte is visual art.”

“Really?” Luke asks. “Like, drawing and painting and stuff?”

“Yeah,” Ashton says, straightening up. “I want to study it after school. I actually really want to go to college in America for it. I’ve been looking at places with scholarships for international students. They don’t start their school years until September, so I could work full time for most of the year to save up since I graduate in December.”

“Wow,” Michael says.

“That’s cool,” Luke says, because yeah, wow. Luke can’t imagine leaving behind everyone he knows to go to a different hemisphere, but Ashton seems excited for it, eyes shining. He must really love art.

“If you guys ever make it to America, hit me up,” he says. “I’ll be in the front row at your show.”

“When,” Michael corrects. Ashton grins at him.

They manage to almost finish their meal before Ashton gets a text from his mum requesting him home. As soon as he’s gone Michael turns to the other two, fast enough that Luke’s a little worried he’ll get whiplash.

“That shirt is fucking ugly.”

Luke and Calum dissolve into laughter.

“What? Am I wrong?” Michael asks.

“No, it’s ugly,” Calum says around giggles. Luke nods around his own laughter and Michael leans back in his chair, satisfied.

“Besides that I like him, though,” he says. Luke feels warmth blossom inexplicably inside him, pleased on Ashton’s behalf.

“Me too,” Calum says.

“Yeah, me three,” Luke says. Michael nods decisively and Luke’s heart starts beating a little bit faster in anticipation of their next band practice.

-/-

When Ashton arrives for the next band practice, Michael, Calum, and Luke are all playing Fifa in the granny flat. Michael’s mum must let him in, because one moment Luke is in the zone and the next there’s a prickle of awareness giving him goosebumps and Ashton is there, existing in his periphery.

“Hey Ashton,” he says, not breaking eye contact with the screen. Michael and Calum ganged up on him for this round and Luke is determined not to lose.

"Hey," Ashton says. "What're you guys doing?"

"Fifa!" Michael says in his best sports-announcer voice. Calum scores a goal and crows right before the game ends, throwing his hands up. Luke considers throwing his controller but settles for a very loud groan and scrubbing his hands over his face instead before taking his first good look at Ashton of the day.

He's not wearing the ugly purple shirt, but rather a green v-neck that hugs the tops of his arms and ensures Luke can see his collarbones. Luke tries not to make it obvious that he's looking at Ashton's muscles, following the line of his arms down to bracelets knotted around his wrists and a black book in his hands.

"You can join Luke's team," Calum says. "He sucks though, fair warning."

"Hey! I do not!" He tries to smack Calum, but he has to reach over Michael to do it, which means both of them shove him away and he almost topples over.

"I don't play Fifa," Ashton says.

"What," Michael squawks. Luke stares incredulously, but Ashton just shrugs and adjusts his fringe before flopping down on the ottoman.

"I don't really like Fifa. I'm not big on video games in general, but Fifa isn't one of the ones I play."

"We can't be friends anymore," Michael sighs dramatically, falling backwards with an arm over his eyes like a fainting maiden. Luke pokes his stomach to make him jolt. "How can you not like Fifa?"

Ashton shrugs again.

"I just don't."

"You're lucky you're not actually in the band," Calum says, brandishing his controller. "This would be grounds to kick you out."

"It's true," Luke says. "The only band rule is that everyone must like Fifa. That's why we haven't replaced Michael yet."

"Hey! There wouldn't be a band without me!"

Michael tackles Luke to the ground, knocking the wind out of him with an oof. He flails, but Michael digs his fingers into his side, making him shriek.

"Ashton! Calum! Help!"

Ashton sighs, then turns to Calum, who shrugs.

"I'm not getting involved in that."

"Betrayal!" Luke calls between giggles, uselessly kicking at Michael but unable to make satisfying contact. Michael finally relents once Luke feels like his lungs are about to burst from the lack of a good inhale. He pants on the floor for a few more moments, then heaves himself to sitting and runs his fingers through his hair to set it back to rights. Ashton gives him a wry smile. Luke ducks his head, cheeks still flushed from the tickling.

"Is this how band practice usually starts?" Ashton asks.

"Only when Luke's being annoying," Michael huffs. Luke flips him off.

"Well, we do usually start with Fifa, yeah," Calum says. "Sometimes we just hang out instead of practicing, which is probably why we're still kinda shit."

"Hey," Luke says.

"Yeah, hey," Michael frowns. "Don't shit-talk the band."

"You guys do it all the time!"

"Not in front of a guest," Michael says, gesturing at Ashton. "Besides, we're never going to make it out of Sydney if you keep believing we're bad."

"I didn't say we were bad, I said we're kinda shit. You can be a good band and still be kinda shit."

Luke frowns, but Michael launches into a quick rebuttal before he can and Luke decides to stop following. He glances at Ashton and shrugs. Ashton smiles, pressing his lips together in a way that Luke hopes means he's holding back a laugh instead of being uncomfortable. His eyes are dancing too much for it to be a bad thing, though, so Luke returns his smile full force.

It's nice to have someone else here for when Michael and Calum go off on their tangents. Luke never feels left out or anything, but sometimes it's obvious that they have their own language and dynamic bred from years of history that Luke is still catching up on. They all understand each other in different little, intricate ways, but it's nice to have someone to share his own secret smiles with when the others are in their own world instead of him staring off into space and waiting for them to jump to a conversation he can be involved in.

Ashton drums his fingers against the black notebook in his lap, drawing Luke's full attention to it while the others squabble in the background.

"Hey, what's that?" he asks.

"This?" Ashton asks, holding it up. It's a hardcover, with thick black loops binding it together. Luke nods. "It's my sketchbook. I figured it'd be better to have something to do than just stare at you guys while you practice."

"Can I see?" Luke asks eagerly. Ashton pulls the book closer to his chest, a small subconscious movement, smile cracking with nervousness at the edges.

"Not yet. I'll show you when I have something good, though."

Luke deflates, but nods.

"They're unfinished," Ashton explains. "They're messy. I don't try very hard with my sketches, and I want your first impression of my art to be a good one. Sorry."

"It's okay," Luke says. "I get it."

Luke doesn't point out that showing him the sketchbook would probably be like Ashton sitting in on a practice, because maybe Ashton’s not there with him yet. He wants to reach that level, though. He wants to sit on Ashton's bed and leaf through his art with him, letting Ashton explain what he wants and drawing his own ideas from moments of silence.

"Hey," Michael says, clapping his hands a few times. "Are we going to practice or what?"

Luke rolls his eyes, because he wasn't the one arguing with Calum about whether their band is bad or shitty, but goes to get his guitar anyway. He takes him time tuning it, waiting for the others to get ready as well, and Ashton gets comfortable, lounging back. They bicker a bit about what song they want to do, but not as much as usual because Luke made them all talk about it at lunch so they don't look like fools in front of Ashton, although it's probably much too late for that, and the first play-through is always a little rough, but it's fine. Ashton's gaze is a gentle weight on his shoulders, and Luke smiles while he sings.

-/-

Luke waits anxiously by the door, glancing out the window every so often to see if he can spot Ashton making his way up the block to Michael's house on his bike. He's coming straight from work, and they delayed practice a bit today so that he could be there for it. They've started factoring Ashton's schedule into their practices a bit more, and Luke likes it. It's maybe not as productive, but band practices feel better when all four of them are there. Having Ashton sitting in the corner bent over his sketchbook or, in more dire cases, doing homework and revising for exams puts Luke more at ease, and even though he claims not to be musical he has good suggestions for dividing up parts of songs and is willing to tell them when they can do better.

He always phrases it that way, too. Not "that wasn't good," but "you guys can do better." Luke likes that he has standards for them. He likes how sure he is that the band is worth something.

"Luke, sit down," Michael says, picking up another piece of pizza and trying not to lose all of his toppings on the way to his mouth. "Waiting for him isn't going to make him appear faster."

"I'm too excited to sit," he says, snagging another piece of pizza for himself. They're supposed to leave some for Ashton, just to be polite, but at the rate they're going that won't happen unless Ashton pulls up right now.

"I still can't believe it," Calum says, awestruck.

"Me neither," he says.

"I can't believe they said yes," Michael confesses. "I hoped they would, obviously, but I wasn't sure if they would like the YouTube videos."

"This is big," Luke says. "Like, this could be life-changing."

"Yeah, you said that earlier," Calum says.

"Because it's true."

The doorbell rings and Luke scrambles to standing, basically sprinting to the door to answer before anyone else and effectively cutting off the rest of the conversation. He throws the door open wide, greeting Ashton with an exuberant smile that he tiredly returns. He's always a little tired after a shift, shoulders slumped and everything worn at the edges, but Luke's glad that he still comes over when invited. Luke likes to think that they rejuvenate him a little.

"Hi," he beams.

"Hey," Ashton says. "You're in a good mood."

"Hey Ashton!" Calum calls from inside. "There's one piece of pizza for you if you want it before Luke or Michael take it!"

"Oh," Ashton says, perking up. Luke steps aside to let him in and follows him to the main room.

"Pizza?" Ashton asks, sinking to the floor and taking the offered piece while Luke takes a spot next to him. "What's the occasion?"

Michael, Calum, and Luke exchange giddy looks, excitement palpable in the air until Luke can't take it anymore and blurts, "We have a gig!"

Ashton freezes, looking at all three of them before one of his signature grins splits his face.

"No fucking way!" he exclaims. "Seriously? Where? When? Holy shit, congrats!"

"December third at the Annandale Hotel," Michael says. He's practically vibrating. Luke thinks the three of them are probably holding enough energy to power a small city right now.

"A real gig," Ashton breathes. "I'll be there, obviously."

"Obviously," Luke repeats. "We can't do our first official gig without our biggest fan." Ashton gives Luke a smile, the type that makes something warm blossom in Luke's stomach.

"Do you know what you're going to play yet?" Ashton asks.

"No, we just found out today," Calum says. "We were going to try to make the setlist tonight."

"And we still need to find a drummer," Michael says. Ashton hums.

"Do you have anyone in mind?"

They all shake their heads. The Drummer Issue, as it has been officially dubbed by the band, is becoming a bigger and bigger thorn in their sides. They feel good as a three-piece, but you can't play a gig without a drummer. Michael fills in on percussion sometimes when they really need it, but he likes guitar much better and it's a little late to make him learn how to be a proper drummer when they don't even have a kit to use.

"I might be able to help," Ashton says. "One of my friends plays drums. He's not looking to join a band or anything, but he's a quick learner and could probably play at the Annandale at least if you don't have someone more permanent by then."

"Who is he?" Michael asks, reaching for the laptop they upload all of their covers on. "Pull up his Facebook."

He elbows his way between Luke and Ashton so he can lean over Ashton’s shoulder and Luke scoots over to Calum instead, content to munch on his pizza and leave them to do whatever internet-stalking Michael deems appropriate. Michael's approval is the hardest one to get in the band, so if he thinks the guy looks good they'll probably end up using him, and Ashton's recommendation carries a lot of weight.

"A real gig," Calum says reverently, staring at his pizza like it's the greatest gift in the world. Luke knocks their shoulders together and continues leaning against him while the other two talk.

A real gig. Luke has always put a lot of weight into being in a band, but there's something more official about it now. They're a real band, not just a band to themselves and a handful of people on YouTube, but to people who will see their name on the marquee and everyone who enters through the doors that night. 5 Seconds of Summer is going to get a chance to play in front of a real crowd, not just Ashton. This is the start of something huge, he can feel it.

If he had to pick anyone in the world to share this moment with, he’d pick the three people in this room right now. Luke leans his head against Calum’s shoulder and lets himself imagine the possibilities.

-/-

The night before they're meant to perform at the Annandale, Luke can't sleep. He tosses and turns, trying to find a comfortable position and failing, flipping his pillow over to the cool side and readjusting his covers and still staring uselessly at the ceiling. The clock on his side table reads 3:43, red letters blinking mockingly at him as every second ticks by. He sighs, turning back to look at his ceiling.

He could try to text Michael or Calum, but he doesn’t want them to know how anxious he is, stomach already tied in knots with over twelve hours before the performance. They might be dealing with their own nerves and he doesn’t need to add to them, or they might be fine and think he’s being stupid. He could keep laying here, but the longer he does that the more he starts thinking about how everything could go wrong.

What if he forgets the words? What if his voice cracks? What if he doesn’t tune his guitar properly and everyone cringes at the first strum? What if he loses all of his picks? What if a string breaks? What if no one even shows up and it’s just the three of them and Ashton’s mellow drummer friend playing to an empty room and then no one lets them do a gig ever again?

He could try texting Ashton. He might not even be awake, but if he does reply he’d probably say something reassuring that would have Luke’s shoulders unclenching and quiet his racing mind. Ashton is good at stuff like that, but he doesn’t say things unless he means them. If he tells Luke that things are going to be alright, things are probably going to be alright.

He grabs his phone from the nightstand, squinting at the brightness.

Luke: U up?

He cringes when he realizes how much that sounds like a come-on. Whatever, it’s not like Ashton expects him to be doing that, so hopefully he’ll brush it off.

He’s about to try willing himself to sleep again when his phone lights up.

Ashton: yeah whats up

Luke: nothn whats up w u

Ashton: nothing lol. u excited 4 tmrw?

This is his chance. Ashton has given him a clear opening and all Luke has to do is tell him that the thought of going out onstage is giving him a stomach ache and he’s going to die if he doesn’t get to sleep soon. Ashton might think he’s silly and dramatic and a baby, but if Luke works himself up any more over this he’s not going to be able to look at his guitar tomorrow, let alone pick it up, and he needs to be able to do that. He can’t let the band down.

Luke: scared

Ashton: y? u guys r going to kill it!

Luke: what if i suck

Ashton: u dont ur a rockstar! i have gd taste in bands u deserve this opportunity& will be awesome

Luke: what if im not

Ashton: its ur first gig youll only get better frm here uv put in 2 much work 2 b scared u will be amazing

Luke: what if no 1 shows up

Ashton: ill b there! u can play 2 me ppl will come

Luke takes a deep breath. Ashton’s probably right. This is their first gig, and he seems convinced that there will be others. Even if they bomb tomorrow or it’s only Ashton in the crowd, they can bounce back. They’ve put a lot of work into the band, and he can’t let one shitty performance define them, especially when he doesn’t even know if it’s going to be shitty yet. Ashton seems to think they’ll be alright, and Ashton is usually trustworthy.

Luke: thx

Ashton: no prob :)

Luke looks at his clock again and wonders if this will be enough to let him sleep, but something niggles at his mind.

Luke: y r u awake rn?

Outside, one lone car drives down the street. Luke tries to imagine himself in the center of some big city like New York or Los Angeles instead of a suburb outside of Sydney. He tries to imagine Ashton at a college town in the United States, living in a dormitory with all his friends and staying out late regardless of if he has classes in the morning.

Ashton: cant sleep sketching instead

He sends a picture with it and Luke waits patiently for the image to load. When it finally does, he's greeted with a horizontal photo of Ashton's sketchbook, yellow light from a lamp barely illuminating the page. It must be the scene outside Ashton's window, an empty street with houses lining the pavement and a rough sketch of a streetlight at the end of the block. It's just graphite against creamy white paper, but Luke wishes he were seeing it in person so he could trace his finger over the lines. They're rushed, but confident and bold. Ashton has shaded most of the page to give the illusion of nighttime, and Luke imagines him sitting at his window, glancing up every-so-often for reference as he recreates what he can see on paper.

Luke: wow ur really good!

Ashton: <3 ty

Luke bites his lip, trying to figure out something else to say. After a few minutes of silence, Ashton texts first.

Ashton: get some sleep luke. see u tmrw

His stomach sinks, but it’s probably for the best. He’d keep talking to Ashton all night if he could, but he needs to sleep. He has a gig tomorrow.

Luke: gn

He puts his phone down and lays back in bed, taking a deep breath. To avoid thinking more about tomorrow, he tries to imagine what other creations could be in Ashton's sketchbook, black lines drawing themselves on the blank canvas of his mind until he finally falls asleep.

-/-

Luke paces anxiously as well as he can in the cramped “backstage” space. They're about to begin the set, and it's just as nerve-wracking as he thought it was going to be. Ashton's drummer friend is a picture of calm, twirling his sticks with a bored frown, but Michael and Calum are both jittery, too. Calum is picking nervously at the bass he's holding, about to make his official debut as a bass player, and Michael keeps tapping his foot restlessly.

There's a few people here. A group of girls is huddled by the stage waiting for them to start and Luke is supremely grateful that they showed up, but it brings up a new set of anxieties. They're playing original songs for the first time, and it's one thing to be able to sing a cover, but it's another to present people with new material and ask them to like it. They can't let these fans down, no matter how tiny the crowd might be.

His phone vibrates in his pocket and Luke digs it out.

Ashton: break a leg rockstar :)

Luke doesn't have time to reply before the lights are dimming, the crowd is cheering, and he's following Michael onstage.

The show is amazing.

Like, objectively it's probably not, but Luke has the time of his life anyway. He's shaky and nervous for the first minute, then he actually looks up and sees Ashton standing off to the side with a camera in hand, million-watt smile on his face, and suddenly things are easy. They mess up and they're awkward and they give it everything they've got. The crowd is small but mighty, the music is messy but sincere, and Luke starts to figure out how to be a rockstar on a tiny stage in a hotel in Sydney, Michael and Calum blossoming into their own stars next to him.

He tears up a little during "Everything I Want," which should probably be super embarrassing, but mostly he's just happy. He can't believe people came. He can't believe this is real and not a dream. He can't believe he's lucky enough to do this with his two best friends. It's only up from here, and Luke already feels like he's on top of the world.

When they take their bows and exit the stage, Luke is buzzing. He pulls the other two into a hug, the kind that’s so fierce it feels like he’s suffocating, and they all laugh and cheer and maybe Luke cries a little bit again. He tearily thanks their drummer, who looks marginally less bored now that the show has actually been played, and accepts hugs from his parents and pats on the back from his brothers. He talks to a few of the fans that have lingered and even signs his first autograph, which is insane to think about.

When he finally has a spare moment, he finds Ashton and throws his arms around him.

"Hey! Amazing job!" Ashton says in his ear, holding him just as securely. Luke tucks his face in his shoulder and squeezes.

"I thought you wanted to be in the front row," Luke says once he makes himself let go.

"I figured I'd let the other fans get a chance. I have a front row seat at every practice, so it only seemed fair. I got some good pictures, though."

He holds up his camera and Luke brightens even more, if possible. He feels like he's glowing brighter than the stage lights already. He feels like he's probably glowing more than all of the stage lights in all of the big stadiums around the world combined.

"Can I see?" he asks. Ashton doesn't get a chance to answer before Michael and Calum appear in an enthusiastic, all-encompassing storm, pulling both of them out of their corner because Karen promised to buy pizza in celebration and both of them were too nervous to eat before and are starving now. Luke is, too, and he tugs Ashton to follow them out to the cars.

"Wait, shouldn't this just be band and family?" Ashton says, dragging his feet.

"Don't be stupid," Michael says, taking his other hand and helping Luke pull him forward.

"Yeah, you're basically part of the band," Calum says. "As much as our temp drummer, anyway, and Mum invited him along."

Ashton's drummer friend declines, so it's just them and their families. Ashton sits sandwiched between Luke and Calum and Luke's mum jokes about that side of the table needing four pizzas just for themselves. When the adrenaline finally wears off part way through the meal, Luke slumps against Ashton's side and sighs contentedly.

He's pretty sure this is the best day of his life.

-/-

Ashton graduates in mid-December. Luke texts him a quick congratulations, but they don't see each other until a few days after. The band decided they need to celebrate (or maybe they just want the excuse to get ice cream along with the usual pizza), but Ashton spends a few days hanging out with friends from school and his family. Luke thinks it's ridiculous that they have to wait almost an entire week to see him, but they decide to all stay over at Michael's when they do, so Luke can't pout too much.

They pick Ashton up instead of making him bike over, which they make a big deal out of as his graduation present. They leave the passenger seat open for him, at least, so he doesn't have to squish into the back, and he graciously thanks them with a lofty voice, like a king talking to his royal subjects. They make a big deal out of ordering Ashton's favorite pizza, too, which is just one of their usual orders, then grab some chips and pass around goon and put in Iron Man, because Ashton wants to watch the Marvel movies and Michael has all five of them. The wine goes down easy in the way cheap wine usually does, and soon Luke has a pleasant buzz, enjoying the way the room fuzzes at the edges from his place squished between Michael and Calum on the sofa. Ashton is alone in the arm chair, and Luke wishes he were squished in here with them, too.

Calum dozes off first, so after Iron Man 2 they set up blankets and sleeping bags. Michael claims the couch because it's his house, so Luke watches Thor from the floor, propped against the front of the couch so he can see the TV better, Calum on one side and Ashton on the other. Calum falls asleep again quickly, and near the end of the movie Michael starts breathing deeply, the kind of breathing that's close to a snore. During the credits Luke blinks at Ashton and finds him already looking back.

"Hey," Ashton says. "Want to watch Captain America?"

Luke nods. Ashton carefully picks his way over to the TV, crouching to exchange the DVDs. Backlit by the screen, Luke can see the way his hair is starting to get slightly wavy at the ends now, hours and hours since he last straightened it for the flat-iron fringe they all sport. Luke wonders what his natural hair is like. He likes that he's going to get to see it in the morning, but that also means that Ashton is going to see his bedhead, too.

"Hey," Luke says quietly when Ashton returns. "The others are asleep."

Ashton glances at them, then grins. "Do you have a marker?"

They give Calum a mustache, which is hard because the smell of the marker right under his nose keeps making him shift, then giggle their way through drawing a dick on Michael's cheek. Ashton clamps a hand over Luke's mouth at one point when Michael hums and moves, and both of them hold their breath until he settles again, smacking his lips.

"Shhhh," Ashton says in his ear. Luke shivers at the proximity, then nods. Ashton moves his hand, so they continue to give Michael a few more doodle-tattoos before deeming themselves done and returning to their sleeping bags.

"They're going to hate us in the morning," Luke giggles. Ashton snickers next to him, and they turn back to the movie. It holds Luke's attention for the beginning, but now that he's aware of it, Ashton's presence as the only other one awake takes up the room. Luke hears his huffs of laughter and every rustle of his sleeping bag hidden between the dialogue and backing soundtrack. When he grins, it's still bright even though the TV is the only thing illuminating the room. It creates weird shadows on his face, valleys of black amidst the blue-lighted highlights, but it doesn't make him look strange or unfamiliar. If anything, it assures Luke that he'd be able to recognize Ashton in any context. He’s not the artist out of the two of them, but he wonders if he’d be able to draw Ashton from memory.

"Are you going to miss us when you're in America?" Luke asks.

Ashton drags his attention away from the movie to look at him again.

"Yeah, of course. You guys are some of my best friends." Luke tries not to show how happy that makes him. Sometimes he thinks that Ashton must thing that they're all stupid and immature kids. Ashton has graduated and has plans for his life and takes care of his family. Luke draws dicks on his friend's faces when they fall asleep.

"You're one of my best friends, too," he says. "I'm really glad you talked to me at the movies."

"I'm glad you invited me to go bowling."

"It was technically Michael who did that," Luke says, ducking his head.

"No," Ashton says with a small smile. "He sent the message, but I know you told him to."

Luke hums and settles deeper into his blanket.

"Are you going to miss me when your band makes it big and you're on tour all the time?" Ashton asks.

"Yeah. I think I'm going to miss you a lot."

Luke can already feel the phantom pain deep in his chest where he's going to miss him. He once again wishes there was some way for Ashton to stay with them without sacrificing his own dreams. It's strange; he's so excited for the band to take off, but now that it's a real possibility that their dreams are coming true and they'll move on to bigger and better things, it hurts a little.

Well, it hurts to think of leaving his family, and it hurts to think of Ashton leaving him.

"Besides, you're the one who's getting out of here,” he says. “5sos has still only played one gig."

"You're going to be huge," Ashton says. He states it calmly, like an accepted fact. It's in the same way he'd say that the sky is blue. "You'll get out of here and get to see the whole world a thousand times over."

Luke nods, curling into his blanket a little more. On screen, Steve asks Bucky if he's ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death. Bucky says, Hell no. That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight... I'm following him.

"Are you scared of leaving?" he asks quietly. Ashton stays silent for a long time. Luke watches him blink in the dim light, eyes toward the TV but too still to be watching it.

"I'm more scared of being stuck here forever," he confesses eventually. "I love Australia, but... I don't want to turn into my mum, and I don't know how to prevent that unless I get out of here. I love my family, I really do. You know that, right?" Luke nods. "I love them, and I feel like I've always been taking care of them. Even just wanting to leave is selfish, but filling out the applications for the schools was awful. I felt so guilty, but... I don't know. Australia has a great art scene that I probably should focus on instead, but I keep thinking about America. If I don't go, I'm going to spend the rest of my life regretting it."

Ashton traces a thread on his blanket. Luke wants to take his hand.

"I don't think it's selfish," Luke says. "You can't let your entire life be determined by them. They understand, right?"

"Mum does," Ashton says. "I don't think Lauren and Harry get why I want to go so far away."

He sighs. It feels heavy in the darkness.

"It doesn't matter yet, anyway. It depends on if I even get into any of the schools I applied for and if we have the money. I've been saving as much as I can, but it might not be enough. America is so fucking expensive."

"You'll get there," Luke says. "If our band is going somewhere, you definitely will, too."

Ashton shoots him a grateful smile. Luke wants to tuck it in his pocket. He's already saving pieces of Ashton in preparation of when they'll be halfway around the world from each other.

"Next year will be good for us," Ashton says. "2012 is going to be a big breakthrough for us both."

"Yeah," Luke says. "I believe you."

They watch the rest of the movie in silence. When the credits roll, Luke realizes that Ashton fell asleep while he was distracted by the story, eyes closed peacefully next to him. It’s strange to see him so relaxed and still, like some sort of marble statue. He rarely stops moving when he’s awake, but here all of the stress lines he carries with him are smoothed out. Luke didn’t know that they were there, but now the absence of them is obvious.

The movie menu screen reappears, loud music and bright colors startling him. He grabs the remote and turns off the TV, plunging the room into darkness. He tries to get comfortable, tossing and turning a bit on the floor and adjusting his blanket a few times, then closes his eyes. Sleep doesn’t come easy, and he stays awake for a long time listening to Ashton, Calum, and Michael breathing.

#lashton #5sos fic #my writing #unmute #ahhhhhHHHHHHH #off screen #just lots of yelling lads #it's here!!! unmute is here!!!!

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inevitably-johnlocked · 4 years

Note

Okay, so my ask was about fanfics where either John or Sherlock hallucinates and sees the other one after him (allegedly?) dying. As in, actually hallucinates, not mistakes a real one for a hallucination. Have you encountered anything like that?

Anonymous said to inevitably-johnlocked: hi! i hope you're doing fine! i feel really bad for asking, but i really suck at searching, and as i see everyone asking you, i wanted to see if you could help me, if you dont want to, its fine, i feel like im taking adventage of you... im searching for fics post TRF in which John hallucinates with Sherlock, or fics in which Sherlock comes back but John cannot believe it because he hallucinated with him ... im sorry again for bothering you! hope you have a nice day

Hi Lovelies!!

Ahhh, I don’t have a LOT that have this premise, so I’m just going to give you all of the fics I have tagged with hallucinations :) I do suggest “The Quiet Man”, which has this as the primary plot point (down below) and it’s a long one so I think that will best suit you requests, but DO check out all of the others on this list! <3

And as always, Lovelies, if you have something more to what my Nonnies are looking for, please suggest them!

HALLUCINATIONS

Hallucinations can't open doors by Bespectacled dreamer (K+, 1,330 w., 1 Ch. || Reunion, Hurt / Comfort, Friendship, Hallucinations, John’s Wedding, Light Humour) – In which John gets married and Sherlock gets a broken nose.

Quite Contrary by Hollyesque (T, 1,805 w., 1 Ch. || HLV Fic, Sherlock Whump / After Mary Shot Sherlock, Hallucinations / Flashbacks / PTSD, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Lestrade POV, ) – A short one-shot, alternate scene to Greg's hospital visit in HLV. Instead of Sherlock disappearing, Greg is faced with an unexpected reaction to a hospitalized Sherlock and winds up figuring out something that he really would have rather not known.

Bitter Nights Turned Sweet by Hyliare (T, 4,076 w., 1 Ch. || Pre-Slash, Insomnia/Hallucinations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, POV Present Tense John Watson, Cuddling/Snuggling) – Sherlock has always had trouble sleeping; he hasn't always had someone in his life willing to help.

Between Asleep and Awake by katydidit (K, 4,309 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Sick Fic, Post-TRF / Reunion) – John is sick. Incredibly, extremely, dangerously sick. Plagued by a high fever, he begins to hallucinate, start seeing things that aren't really there. Because they can't be there. Can they?

A Is For Aftermath by ElvendorkInfinity (T, 10,567 w., 1 Ch. || Injury / Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Pre-Slash/Bromance/Platonics, Hallucinations, Introspection, Insecure / Worried John, Big Brother Mycroft, Alternating POV, Anxious Sherlock, Self-Deprecating, Mildly Possessive Sherlock, 3G Moment) – John is still hallucinating, Sherlock cannot sleep, and Lestrade has a new case for them. But will life at 221B ever be able to return to normal? Epilogue to M is for Moriarty.

I Will Take Care Of You by SailorChibi (T, 16,664 w., 15 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Sick Sherlock, BAMF John, BAMF Lestrade, Reunion Fic) – Two years after Sherlock's death, John comes to find him on the sofa. Wounded and ill, Sherlock is convinced he's hallucinating and refuses to share any details about Moran or the fact that Mycroft has been compromised. That doesn't stop John from stepping up and taking care of the last of Moriarty's web, BAMF-style.

Wonderful, Etcetera. by VictoryCandescence (T, 16,955 w., 3 Ch. || Wonderful Life AU || Alternate Timelines, Brotherhood, Homophobia, Suicidal Ideations, Mentions of Drug Use, Friendship, Different TRF, Sherlock’s Past, Victor Trevor is Past Boyfriend, Depression, Hallucination?, Love Confessions, Christmas, First Kiss) – Sherlock thinks everyone would be better off if he had never existed, including and especially himself. When he finds himself in a world in which his wish has been granted, he begins to think perhaps even he could be wrong – but it takes an unlikely chaperone to make him not only observe, but understand.

I Think I've Come A Long Long Way To Sit Before You Here Today by ArwenKenobi (T, 18,251 w., 3 Ch. || Grief/Mourning, Passage of Time, Major Character Death, Alternating POV, Sherlock Whump, Pining Sherlock, Hospitalization, Coma, Revenge Murders, Hallucinations, Love Confessions, Brutal Accident, Mystrade, Ghost John) – One year after John is killed Sherlock starts to wonder whether John has actually gone anywhere.

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

Impossible to Feign by achray (M, 49,204 w., 12 Ch. || TRF Rewrite / Reverse Reichenbach, Suicidal Ideations / Discussions, Drug Use/Abuse, Mutual Pining, Friends With Benefits, John Accepts his Sexuality, Anxious Sherlock, Meddling Mycroft, Depression, Hallucinations, Secret Agent John, BAMF John, Reunion, Make-Up Sex, Ambiguous Ending) – Sherlock leant forward, his long fingers curving round to grip John’s.“I won’t let him win,” he said, eyes hard. “I will do whatever it takes to get you out.”

Lunar Landscapes by J_Baillier (M, 57,046 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || S3/TAB Fix-It, Slow Burn Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drugs, Pain, Medical, Injury, Sherlock Whump, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Romance, Secrets, Tragedy, Trauma, BAMF John, Doctor!John, Drug Addict Sherlock, Injured Sherlock, Grieving John, Idiots In Love, Protective John, POV John Watson, PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is a Mess, Medical Realism) – An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Asexual Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Flashbacks, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Case Fic, Sherlock’s Past, Awkward Conversations, Anxious Sherlock) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series (possibly Imaginary Friend)

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

The Quiet Man by ivyblossom (E, 157,369 w., 58 Ch. || Post-TRF, John First POV, Grief/Mourning, Angst, Present Tense, Imaginary Sherlock) – "Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?"

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #my fic recs #hallucinations #Anonymous

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lunetheaveragefan · 3 years

Text

one day...

Hey! It’s time for chapter 6! This chapter also deals with some heavy things as well, so be mindful of that (as always, more details in the warnings). Anyway, that’s all, so enjoy the chapter!

A Sander Sides high school AU

Pairing: Prinxiety and some background Logicality

Summary: Virgil is used to being alone. He only has one friend, Logan. But when Logan makes a new friend, things begin to change as two more join their group. Roman, a boisterous theater kid, seems determined to destroy Virgil’s lonely, average life. How much will Virgil’s life change?

Warnings: mentions/descriptions of homophobia, bullying, suicide (hanging), suicide attempt (overdose), and self harm; mentions of Remus and Janus; swearing

Word Count: 1933 words

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CHAPTER SIX

Roman bites his lip and looks around. After standing awkwardly in the middle of the cafeteria for too long for his liking, he finally spots Virgil, Roman, and Patton sitting at a table in the back corner of the room. Relieved, he makes his way towards them.

Virgil sees him coming towards the three of them, and, to Roman’s surprise, gives him a small smile. Patton must see this, because he turns around and spots Roman as well. He’s more openly enthusiastic and waves, a big grin lighting up his face.

Sliding into the open seat next to Virgil, Roman says, “It’s weird to be eating this early. I’m not used to it.” Patton chuckles.

Virgil, always one to get to the point, asks, “So. Why’d you stand up for me?” Roman bites his lip and thinks, Dammit. I was hoping he forgot. He didn’t want to tell them. No one, even Patton, knew why he’d suddenly become so averse to bullying after being one for years. Everyone most likely thought he had a change of heart somewhere along the line. And he had, in a way. But there was more to the story.

There is always more to the story.

“Well, uh, you see…” Roman stammers, trying to get himself together. He took a deep breath before continuing, “Well, back in middle school, right after I came out, my dad was such an asshole about it. He didn’t want to accept or respect that I was gay. He said -- and did -- a lot of things. I realized sometime in July that he was being a bully, and what he was doing wasn’t so different from what I had done. And I don’t want to stand around watching someone get beat up the way I was by him, you know? I don’t want to sit around, knowing I could do something, and then have to live with that regret for the rest of my life.” It’s only a half truth, and a shitty one at best, but Roman’s too scared to talk about what really happened.

He doesn’t want to relive the worst, most terrifying days of his life. Really, who would?

Patton, who’d already heard about what had happened the summer before freshman year a million times, still starts tearing up. What a sap, Roman thinks, but it’s a loving remark. He knows that he wouldn’t be near as happy, nearly as accepting of himself as he is now without Patton.

There’s not much of a reaction from Logan; just a small head nod and a slightly reassuring smile. But it’s more than Roman was expecting from the serious boy, so it throws him off. What throws him off more, however, is Virgil’s face.

It’s very skeptical, eyebrow raised, eyes drilling into Roman’s, almost as if he’s trying to see the lie just by the force of willpower. To Roman, it seems like he might be pretty close. No matter how much he wants to break eye contact with Virgil, he can’t. There’s something about it that draws him in, that’s electrical.

To Roman’s relief, Virgil looks away first, but only to roll his eyes.

“Oh come on, Roman,” Virgil scoffs. “I can smell a half-truth or lie or whatever the hell that was from a mile away. Now, that all may be true, but there’s more to the story. So cut the bullshit and start again. Besides, I’ve already heard that whole story. That’s not your big secret. Enlighten me, why don’t you? What would be so bad that the great Roman Princeford would have to hide it?” Resting his chin on his palm, Virgil smirks, an obvious challenge. He wants to see if I’ll break. Give in. And honestly, I don’t know if telling or closing off would be letting him win.

“Hey, now, Virgil,” Patton says, always the peacemaker. “Let’s be nicer—”

“No, no, it’s fine, Patton,” Roman interrupts. “He’s right. I-I can’t keep avoiding this.”

Dread settles in Roman’s stomach as he steels himself to tell the story. Ignoring Patton’s concerned, “Kiddo…” he begins.

“Well, I guess the right place to start is with saying this: I have a twin brother. Remus.” Breathe. “He’s-He’s special, I guess. His mind is...twisted. Dark. He likes things that aren’t really...well, good or happy. And I never minded. He was still my brother, demented as he may be.

“My parents, though...they thought something was wrong with him.” Breathe, Roman. You can do this. “They sent him to therapist after therapist, psychologist after psychologist. Gave him pill after pill, but nothing ever worked. He kept on being the same crazy Remus. So they just...gave up. On him and his future and their...their love for him, I suppose.

“But I never did. I tried to be there for him. I went to every performance he was in, I went to movies and football games with him. But it was harder as I grew up because suddenly, my parents decided that since Remus was a let down, a...a failure-” Come on! Don’t cry. It’s fine. You’re fine. Safe. “-that meant I had to make up for it. If they couldn’t have two normal sons, then one of them better be, had to be, pretty goddamn exceptional.

“So we grew apart. Remus found a boyfriend, Janus, who could take him to movies and football games and go see his performances. And I kept on being the glory child for my parents. And everyone else, it seemed. I didn’t know that he was getting bullied until...until it was almost too late.”

The images rise in his mind: The hospital room, sterile and white, and the boy lying still under the sheet. The rope, tied with a near perfect circle at the end, hidden in the back of his closet. The blood pooling, staining the carpet red, gushing from the slashes on his arms. The way he looked when he woke up, the disappointment clear on his face.

Remus, cold, pulse so slow Roman was sure he was dead, and the bottle of pills on the nightstand.

Roman forces the sobs back down his throat.

“Remus attempted suicide, and I didn’t even know he was hurting. He survived, of course, but just seeing him in the hospital, after...it hurt. A whole fucking lot. And so I swore to myself that I would do whatever I could to prevent that from happening to anyone. No one should have to look down at someone they care about, love, and hope with all they have that they survive. Knowing that someone tried to...to kill themself? That they genuinely thought it was the best option? It’s the worst feeling in the world. And I don’t want that for anyone.” Roman swipes at his eyes, only to find a single, hot tear creeping down his cheek. Quickly, hoping no one noticed, he wipes it away.

Blinking until he feels back in control of his emotions, Roman looks around. Patton, of course, is a sort of wounded puppy, concern in his eyes, and a hand over his heart. Logan has been sombered by the story, more sadness than Roman expected showing on his face. But curiously, Logan’s eyes aren’t on Roman; they’re on Virgil. And when he looks over, Roman sees why.

Virgil has tears streaming down his face. A hand is over his mouth, shaking slightly. His other hand clutches his wrist, so hard, the skin around his fingers is turning white. The two sit there for a moment, staring at each other. Abruptly, Virgil throws his arms around Roman and hugs him tightly.

“I’m-I’m so sorry,” Virgil says in between sobs. After the shock has passed, Roman wraps his arms around the other boy. The hugs lasts long enough for the butterflies in Roman’s stomach to become full-fledged birds of prey.

Finally, when Virgil pulls away, Roman offers him a small smile. To his surprise, Virgil returns it. Roman isn’t sure if he should ask Virgil about his reaction to the explanation or not, but Patton saves him from overthinking it.

“So the musical is coming up…” Patton prompts, clearly trying to change the subject. Thank God for Patton, Roman thinks. I don’t want to think about all that anymore.

“Yeah!” Roman replies, pasting a smile on his face. “You guys are all coming, right?”

Patton, looking scandalized, says, “Of course we are!” before correcting himself by saying, “Well, I am at least.”

“Personally, I’ve never understood the whole theatre thing,” Logan adds, “but I suppose, as your friend, I should come support you, so I will be there.” Patton smiles widely at that, causing a small chuckle from Roman. Patton’s always bugging me about confessing my feelings, yet here he is, keeping his crush to himself.

“And Virgil?” Roman asks, trying not to get his hopes up. He’s probably not going to want to come. Hanging out with me at school and studying is one thing, but this would be a clear admission of friendship, something he most definitely does not see me as. Why would he—

“Of course I’m coming,” Virgil says, wiping away his tears. “You’d have to be pretty stupid to thing I would miss it.” He gives Roman a gentle, friendly punch in the arm, and despite the lingering sadness from his earlier confession, Roman beams.

Trying to hide his overwhelming happiness, Roman simply states, “Cool.”

The rest of lunch, the four make conversation about meaningless things: upcoming tests, funny memories, disastrous family get-togethers, and the like. When they get up to dump their trays, Roman leans over to Virgil and whispers, “I apologize for making you cry. I didn’t think it would affect anyone that much.”

Virgil replies, “Oh, it’s okay. It just hit a little too close to home, that’s all. I’m fine now.” The smile Virgil gives him does reassure him. And for once, Roman doesn’t spend all his time thinking about what Virgil could possibly mean by the story ‘hitting a little too close to home,’ mostly because all Roman can think about is the feeling of Virgil’s arms wrapped around him and his small, yet no less meaningful, smiles.

It’s this he’s thinking about after school when the musical director says, quiet loudly, “Roman!”

Blinking repeatedly to dispel the distracting thoughts, he peaks around the curtain and asks, “Yes, Mr. Halter?”

“That was your entrance.” Roman winces.

“Oh, right. Sorry.” He hurries out to his spot on the stage, fixing his costume.

Mr. Halter sighs and says, “Roman, that’s the 5th time you’ve missed an entrance just today. What is going on? The play is on Friday. We don’t have time for messing around or distractions.” His face is filled with disappointment, but also concern. Roman figures it’s because he never messes up this much, especially when the performances are so close.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more focused. Just have a lot on my mind.” Roman flashes a winning smile, and Mr. Halter looks relieved.

“Good. Now, let’s start with Ana’s line right before Roman’s entrance.” Roman and the rest of the cast and crew nod and get in their respective places. Back behind the curtains once again, Roman thinks, Goddammit, Virgil. You just keep on messing up my life. The thought, however harsh it seems, is filled with something awfully close to love.

But Roman knows he can’t keep dwelling on that almost-love, or at least not right now. So he shoves all thoughts of Virgil from his mind and steps into his character and out onto the stage.

#virgil sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #janus sanders #remus sanders #prinxiety #logicality #deceit x remus #sanders sides #high school au #fanfiction #fanfic #one day...

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