#hope i'm not forgetting anything but it's late and i told myself I'd get this finished before monday ends

[silvertherogue715]

hello! How are you doing? I’m curious about the little guy you called Stringbean in the Rai and Lai drawings. First of all he’s adorable and I love his design, but I’m mainly curious about what his species is and what they’re capable of? And what sort of role does the little guy and his species come in? I hope you have a good day/night! thank you!

Hey! I’m doing well! I had a lovely 2 day break from classes (weird break schedule or something) and thoroughly enjoyed drawing for like 12 hours straight. Then the weekend came and i ended up working the entire time, haha. How are you?

Just gotta sort through some note for this ask--

What is he?

Stringbean (aka Snoot Snoot) is a little snake-like species (Verimor) in my Brainrot AU that shows up in Arc 3/the Sentinel Minx Arc. Like all creatures (Vitafons)on his planet (Vitafona), he is capable of absorbing energy through emotions. 

Some Vitafons have a natural affinity to feed off of one energy type (negative) over the other (positive) and are therefore more dangerous, but they are not exclusively limited to one type over the other.

An overindulgence, especially of negative energy (on purpose or accident) can trigger changes in personality, especially when young.

EX: a natural disaster triggers masses of animals fear and panic

Vitafons are not like traditional animals. While they are physical, they’re mostly made up of the energy they consume throughout their life. The energy they consume at the beginning of their life can greatly impact their natures growing up.

They can also live for varying amounts of time, depending on the specific species. Stringbean’s species can live for a super long time (like hundreds of years) while others only last a few months.

Vitafons need to consume energy fairly regularly, but in smaller amounts as they get older. When young, the more energy they consume, the faster they grow!

What can he do?

Aside from the emotion absorption thing, he can also spit acid! His cheeks can swell up like chipmunks before he spits. He also uses the tendrils on his neck to sense and absorb energy (from other creatures/plants/etc) while he flies around through the air. 

He’ll get more abilities as he gets older.

His role?

Vitafons are the pinnacle for Sunstar’s argument with the Virens that it should be possible to create an energy source that does not exclusively use either positive or negative emotions (like a hyper energy crystal). Vitafons are the species the Virens based their emotion-to-energy-conversion science on in the first place, after all. I like to think that the Virens were similarly wasteful to humans before traveling the stars and happening across planet Vitafona Then, their entire civilization/society got rebooted to adjust to their new scientific discovery.

Snoot Snoot himself is found by Minx as a baby after some sort of traumatic (but completely accidental) event happens to him. During this time, she has no idea how she’s supposed to handle any kind of Vitafon, let alone a Verimor, but does as humans do when they see the equivalent of a kicked puppy and immediately goes baby-mode trying to comfort him. Next thing you know the snake-puppy’s imprinted on her as a secondary caregiver and follows her around whenever she shows up on Vitafona.

Lai did also try to kill Snoot Snoot in the beginning, just as Slur had trained him to do, but Minx was not having any of it. This is how she learns that when the Twins see a young Verimor (or Vitafon in general) showing signs of excessive exposure/absorption of negative energy, Slur tasked them with killing it before it could become a problem to other Vitafons. When brought up to Duo, however, the twins discover that Slur was never permitted to kill any of the creatures, only to log their behavior. This serves as one of the first big reveals to the twins that Slur is not quite the saintess she pretended to be.

Hope this answers some questions! Goodnight.

[k-s-morgan]

Hi Morgan,

Are you doing okay?

Haven't heard from you in a while, hoping you're safe.

Another ask: How are you doing lately? 💐💗

-----

Thank you both for worrying and caring! Unfortunately, this month started very, very badly for me - some problems I anticipated, others not so much.

The health of my pigeon (the one I saved from a cat) took a turn for the worse. She nearly died. The latest Russian missile attack caught me in a vulnerable building and it was terrifying, especially since it happened after we were told that the attack was probably over. First the lights began to flicker and then the explosions began.

And to top it all, that very day, before I recovered from the attack, I got news that the department at the company where I'm working is shutting down. Just like this. No warning, no time to prepare for anything - one second, and I'm out of job. I can't convey the degree of my shock and horror. Forgetting the fact that I've been working here for 6 years, that I dedicated a lot of my soul to it, to find myself without the means of survival so suddenly in the middle of the war sent me straight into the abyss.

For the first days, I couldn't do anything. I felt sick, I couldn't eat or read or write. It's tragic to be reminded once again of how enslaved I am by the system. Without my job, I can't support my family, I can't take care of my pets, I can't help pigeons recover, etc. I haven't felt this weak, scared, and vulnerable for a long, long time.

It was six days ago. Today, I finally felt a little better. My pigeon seems to be recovering tiny bit by tiny bit, and I have a job interview ahead. That said, if you can support me on Patreon or PayPal (emberlynn48@gmail.com), I'd really appreciate it - and my huge thanks to those who are already helping me! Even if the interview is successful and I find the job quickly, I'm still obviously losing a chunk of my would-be salary because of the time lost in between. It's not downright catastrophic, my mother still has her job, so we'll survive, but it's tough. Much tougher than usual.

As for writing, I didn't touch anything for the past week, but since I saw some vague light at the end of the tunnel again, I'm gradually getting a grip on myself and diving back into my fics. I can't believe that Those Gentle Slopes final chapter is still ongoing, lol. This arc seems to be endless.

[necromancy-savant]

I really hope my history professor from undergrad is still alive. Idk if he remembers me, but I remember him. He said I was the only student in all his years of teaching to say "I want to learn Akkadian." But that's not quite accurate: what I said was, "hey, I've been working through this book (it was Caplice) over winter break every day and I'm on chapter 8 and I think I'm doing ok, but I have some questions. Can you help me out?" And he was very impressed, I think. He answered all my questions; told me I got all the translations as correct as you can get them. He called me Lugal Edward, Sumerian for "king." He gave me printouts of all of Hammurabi's laws. He lent me his sign list that had every historical version of every single cuneiform sign ever. It was in French, but that didn't matter; I knew exactly what to do with a sign list. That summer I would skateboard to the library with my books and spend a few hours translating Hammurabi's laws. I developed my own cuneiform shorthand that only I know bc I wasn't about to literally draw out every santakku every single time. I went on a field trip to Yale with a few people from the class and we used real cylinder seals. I got to use a stylus much nicer than the one I made at home from chopsticks to write with. He pointed out to me on their replica Hammurabi the signs I knew and I could read it. On my 24th birthday, (he didn't know it was my birthday until I admitted it late in the day) he took me to a lecture at Yale by Stephanie Dalley who authored my favorite collection of translations of Mesopotamian myths. I got to meet her and meet all the guys I'd read all the books by (it's not a huge field so you do get to know who's who pretty quickly.) And he bragged about me to all of them. It was the best birthday ever. After Hammurabi, I worked my way up to translating historical texts and some of my favorite myths on my own. In grad school I finally got my hands on Enuma Elish. I didn't have as much time as I would have wanted to sit and translate it, what with my actual coursework, but I did go over my favorite parts. It was the myth that made me want to learn the language in the first place. I hope to god that he's alive and that I can reach out to him still - because forget all of that, literally: I had a bad life before I went to that school and I've made nothing of myself since I left grad school. But he made me feel like I was really worth something, and I want more than anything to thank him for that

[angelofverdum]

Station 19 6x18

Can Theo go? How more toxic can he be? Writers really said, "Oh you hate Sullivan? Let me show you someone worse". What an asshole. Making out with Kate just because Vic was proud of Andy. Who, mind you, is one of her closest friends and has been fighting for that position for a long time.

Captain Herrera, fucking finally. I hope that storyline ends there. We don't care about that anymore. She is going to be a great captain. Let her be captain until season 11, at least.

I wish we had seen a conversation between Maya and Andy about the captaincy.

Jack lost consciousness, so he couldn't tell Vic what he saw. If they kill Jack, I'm suing. He is just a dumb guy, and he doesn't deserve that. I hated him when he was part of Maya and Carina, but he is getting his life together.

Travis has been a shitty friend to Vic, btw. Vic told him what happened with Theo and Travis just saying "Sometimes that happens".

I love we got to see more of Vic and Andy together.

As much as I loved those scenes with Maya and Carina in their apartment. I wished they were on the opening scene. That looked like fun. Maya and Carina are always out of the group.

Are Maya and Carina going to adopt that baby? I know Carina wants to give birth, but they just brought that pregnant lady for Carina to do something? Or is Jack adopting the baby?

What the hell is this? I want a written essay about why Carina flinches like that. Couldn't this scene be like 5 seconds longer?

I'm so annoyed that Carina had to wear her wedding outfit to the ball. You are telling me she didn't have any other dress??? ANY OTHER DRESS??? Why? What was the point? Why do the writers hate Carina so much? She could have gone and bought anything. I'm sure she has gone to some events that required formal dress.

I can't even enjoy her scenes at the ball because of that damn outfit.

I'd never forget Danielle for giving Maya bangs. I know it's just hair, but Maya is not a bangs woman. She wears her hair slicked in a tall ponytail, controlled and put together. Bangs are carefree.

Danielle looks beautiful, but that's not Maya. She could have waited a week to get bangs. I'm in mourning.

It wasn't even mentioned. When she cut her hair short, it made sense. It was a beautiful moment, and she looked very hot. But those bangs just, I don't know. I'd never question Danielle's acting choice, but I feel that this episode was more Danielle than Maya.

This was a good episode. I hope they keep this energy for future epsidoes

I'd love to see them getting ready for the ball. Maya and Carina with the group. They teasing Maya and Carina for being late. CARINA WITH A NEW DRESS (This bothers me so fucking much)

This was my favorite kiss, btw. I guess I'm a sucker for fluff. I loved this scene so much. Even tho We should have seen Maya topping Carina.

Anyways we survived Krista, and I hope next season is better. Zoanne Clack and Peter Paige, here are my recommendations:

Someone tell Danielle to put this pic on Maya's locker.

Bisexual Vic

Theo gone. Bring another female firefighter. (Latina, please?)

Redemption for Sullivan (I like Boris; I don't want him gone, ok?) Can they do something to make him likable? Please. He can be funny. We can save him.

Baby Deluca-Bishop (Bishop-Deluca still sounds better. If Maya weren't so whipped by her wife), It's time. I didn't want a baby, but I'm tired of this storyline. Just give them a baby, please.

More Carina Deluca in action

More Vic, Maya, and Andy together

More fires

More silly episodes

Whoever is reading fanfics realizes that Marina's baby should be named Andrea.

Maya and Carina change the sheets. Please, I'm begging. I'll change them myself if I have to.

P.S: Whoever edited this deserves an award. So unserious.

[weirdestcornelius]

TL;DR It's not too late to turn things around. Keep pushing on until something happens, and if not, it's going to be #sparkleover.

With her current behavior, Eve will near-certainly attract unwanted attention. That's probably obvious by this point, of course.

But on top of trolls and haters, there are several online communities entirely dedicated to mockery and harassment. That's where the true problem comes in.

Kittycorn quite literally has every single possible thing they'd want from a target. Immaturity? Check. Hubris? Check. Outbursts? Check. Relevance? Check. If changes aren't made in time, I don't think ANYBODY would like what'd happen. Fortunately, however...

They have yet to find her. Or, if nothing else, they indeed know about her but simply don't care enough to do anything. Yet.

There is still time. Judging by how Kneeby APPARENTLY doesn't have the sparklecriticism blog blocked yet (along with there not actually being that many barriers for us anyways), we can still get words in. I'm unsure if people would wanna hear the truth, but they likely need to by this point. After all, I may currently dislike Eve as a person, but I don't want her or Sparklecare to crash and burn.

So, cue Plan Z.

Step 1 - Tone: TL;DR Be more approachable. This might not seem like a great idea to you guys at first, and I think this step might get flamed the most, but we should lay off the bitterness that comes with every post. There is a reason we're thought of as disguised hate blogs. We might have some right to be angry, but by doing so, our message will come off as hateful yap, impeding our goal. Instead, approachability will be part of our key. Obviously, criticism is still going to be imperative, and we certainly shouldn't forget about that part, but know that aggression will not help.

Step 2 - Action: TL;DR 3, 2, 1, GO! Once we master courtesy, we can progress to Step 2. The deal's simple; just keep posting like y'all usually do with a revised tone. With that, we'd (hopefully) be genuinely listened to, and then we'd (hopefully) see more progress until something becomes of our efforts.

Step 3 - Increment: TL;DR Step 2 but BETTER!!! This basically just takes Step 2 and ups the ante a bit. Post more often, make the posts longer, et cetera. Maybe even hop on over to the main sparklecare tag if y'all particularly need to. Whatever would further improve our reach.

Step 4 - ???: TL;DR idk I'm not sure about what we might do if Step 3 fails, or if being concerned about that is even reasonable. For all we know, we could just give up, or maybe something never before thought of could suffice. I don't know, man.

I'm still kind of brainstorming, and this plan really isn't polished that much in the slightest, so I'd like to be told what y'all think for now along with any possible ideas (step 4, revisions, literally just giving up, etc). I get that composing a whole fucking campaign over fictional gay furries is probably an act of blatant, unfiltered stupidity on my part, but that's what happens when you have a hyperfixation you never asked for.

If all goes according to plan, we'll get a better Kittycorn, and we'll get a better Sparklecare. Hopefully we don't get a full civil war instead or anything. Hell, I really do hope there's some far simpler thing that can be done rather than hosting a full campaign, because I'm very doubtful regarding both myself and this plan.

Signed, Chuck.

Four step plan time

[ohheyguyss]

I have been a J2 fan since 2019, slightly more Jensen leading, but since the whole Winchesters stuff started, I've found myself getting increasingly irritated by Jensen, and I want to say his arrogant attitude. Note how conveniently Jensen forgets that Chuck destroyed all the AU universes so that he could get AU The Winchesters' story to production.

I recently met Jensen and Jared for the first time, and to be honest, Jensen left me cold. He seemed on auto pilot and didn't want to engage with his own fans who were paying his wages! Unlike Jared, who seemed to want to talk to everyone for 5 mins and make sure everyone received a happy memory to take away with them and treasure. From my personal experience with Jared in my autos, he made me feel seen and genuinely looked like he cared. Also, his intuition is spot on! He picked up on something about me without me even saying anything and told me, "You got this!" That touched my heart. And I walked away feeling overwhelmed by his kindness.

Merely half an hour later, I had my Jared photo op he was so sweet. Again, he wants everyone to have a happy experience. There was no rushing, no urgency to get the photo done (unlike in Jensen photos, absolute mayhem). He again makes you feel seen by talking to you briefly before you get into position. The hug you receive also feels filled with love, and thanks for your support. As I thanked him and turned to walk away, he grabbed my hand as I turned back to face him he tightened his grip and nodded, flashed a smile, and let me slip my hand from his grip as I turned away my brain took over and said "love you" I heard him say "love you back" as I left the room. I had to take a moment outside the room as I again felt really overwhelmed the experience.

In my J2 photo op again, Jared was more engaging than Jensen and his auto pilot mode smooshing me into Jensen, who just stood there stiff as a board. 😔 I kind of wish I'd turned towards Jared, next time I will.

I had been told many times by people before my con that you go in a Jensen girl, but you might come out the other side a Jared girl.

That might be true? But in my case, I was already starting to lean Team Padalecki before I left for the con, and after experiencing both of them together, it definitely pushed me further into TP camp. As much as I still like and respect Jensen, I think I'm more a fan of Dean and Jensen's other characters he plays like Soldier Boy, Priestly, Alec than the man himself, Am I sad by this revelation? A little, but at the same time, I'm also thankful for it in a weird kind of way as I feel Jensen is starting to get a little arrogant (a bit assholey) and annoying in his attitude and responses to questions of late.

This revelation won't stop me from continuing to support him and his future endeavours as I love watching Jensen act, he has a natural talent.

Will The Winchesters be renewed? Personally, I hope not. it just didn't make sense. That's just my opinion. I'm enjoying Walker Independence more it's brilliantly written and filmed, and I enjoy the characters, storyline more.

[atinyjules]

Eyes Off You Ft. Park Jisung {ch-7}

A/n: Congratulations on making it this far! I hope you guys like this series! I'm really happy with the performance of this series so far, so thank you guys for reading! I know... by now, you must be thinking... WHERE IS THE ROMANCE?! I promise! It's there... this is slow burn in its realistic form, but don't worry, it's not CRAZY slow burn. So don't worry about the romance!

Well... enough yapping.

Here it iss

The mini masterlist for this series can be found here

Tw: Angsty, Jeno and Jaemin being jerks, Jisung being a sad lost puppy.

Jisung's

"So it's suddenly our fault?" Jeno snarled at me making me nod.

"Why did you have to hurt her so badly?" I questioned making Jaemin laugh at me.

"Why do you suddenly care? Because you found out the truth?" He said in a mocking tone making me clench my fist.

"Her being hurt by us badly is on you. You only told us to make her pay for what she did. So, if you found out the actual truth... that's on you. We just did what you asked us to do." Jeno said, making me falter as I looked down.

"I said do anything to her... not make her look bruised and battered." I said making Jeno come in front of me and shove me to the ground.

"You said... anything. If it was so bad... why didn't you say anything? Why did you keep quiet and watch? Because you were scared? Be a man and claim your mistake." Jeno said making me get up and throw an apple at his back.

"Yah... Jeno. Don't." I turned to see Chenle who just saw what happened.

"Should've thought twice before doing that." Jeno snarled before pushing me to the ground, but I got up and threw a punch to his face making him retaliate with a blow to my cheek causing me to fall to the ground again.

"Jaemin, won't you try to stop them!" Chenle exclaimed as he tried to break us apart.

"He brought it upon himself." Jaemin said before leaving as me and Jeno threw hands at each other.

Ultimately, there was only one winner... and it wasn't me.

"You're stupid." Chenle spat as I remained flat on the ground before turning with my stomach on the floor.

"I am." I mumbled making Chenle sigh before throwing a tissue roll at me.

"Clean up... we'll be late for class." He said as I sniffled and got up.

"I need... to apologize... to Lia." I mumbled making Chenle look at me.

"She's not gonna listen. No matter how much you try... she won't listen... you're about four years too late to apologize. Honestly, if I was Lia... I wouldn't talk or listen to you either." Chenle said making my eyes brim with tears.

"I should've never changed." I mumbled as Chenle remained indifferent.

"It's too late to regret now... I know I'm being harsh... but... I know no one will tell it to you and being your best friend... it's my job to tell you when you're wrong. Sorry to tell you but... the damage is done. But hey, at least you're still popular." Chenle said making me shake my head.

"I don't wanna be popular anymore..." I sniffled as I wiped my tears before getting up.

"Where are you going?" Chenle asked as I dragged myself upstairs.

×××

Lianna's

After the incident Shotaro, Sungchan and Seunghan decided to stay over at my apartment until Johnny comes back. Tonight it was just me and Seunghan since Shotaro and Sungchan had practice.

"I told grandma that I'm staying with these two. If she saw me like this... gosh... she wouldn't stop crying and blaming herself." Seunghan said with a chuckle as he ate his food.

"What if she wants to visit?" I asked as he smiled.

"I'd have to be the one to go visit her. Her body can't handle long journeys anymore." He said making me nod as I ate.

"Don't think about it." I looked up when Seunghan spoke up.

"What?" I asked as he smiled.

"Don't think about it... the more you dwell in the situation... the harder it gets to forget about it." He said making me think about it.

"You're thinking again." He said making me look up as he chuckled.

"I can't help it..." I said making him smile as he tenderly held my hand.

"My grandma always tells me that holding hands helps calming our thoughts." He said making me look at our hands, he squeezed my hands a little making me feel at ease.

"I think your grandma is right." I said making him chuckle.

"Of course she is, my grandma is always right." Seunghan said making me smile.

"You must love her alot." I said making him nod as he sipped his soup.

"Of course... she's the only family I have. Mom and dad abandoned me when I was a child... so my grandma is the only person in the world that matters to me." He said with a fond smile as he thought of his grandma.

"What about you? Are you close with your grandma?" Seunghan asked making me shake my head.

"Never got to meet her... they died way before my parents even got married. Mom says they weren't good parents to dad." I said making him nod.

"Ah, I understand. You know... my grandma would love you. You guys have a lot of things in common." Seunghan said making me chuckle.

"Oh really?" I said making him nod.

"You both love music, cooking, watching dramas and many other things... but most importantly... you both aren't scared to protect the ones you love." He said making me flustered.

"Oh shut up..." I trailed as he shook his head.

"No really, I feel blessed having two strong women in my life." He said with a soft smile and gave my hand a soft squeeze.

"She brought you up well... you're cool. " I said making him flip his front hair.

"Did you only notice that now?" He said making me roll my eyes.

After dinner we cleaned the kitchen amd talked before the other two came back and ate dinner. We talked for an hour before going to sleep.

While the three men slept I stayed awake working on a song.

I hummed a bit as I wrote down some lyrics. Suddenly I began overthinking again but when I looked at my hand a sense of ease washed over me as I smiled and continued writing.

×××

Jisung's

It's been about a month since everything happened, and Lia began attending class again, but somehow... I wished she'd talk to me. Watching her smile and laugh with her friends made me feel sad but happy as well... but mostly sad.

"You're day dreaming again." I turn to look at Chenle who was going through his music sheet.

"I'm not." I say in a not so confident tone.

"Yeah, yeah... so... you're not gawking at Lia?" He said catching me by surprise.

"N-No, she's not even around here..." I stuttered, making him chuckle.

"She's a strong headed girl... but maybe... if you annoy her enough, she might just hear you out." I widen my eyes and look at Chenle whose eyes were still glued to the music sheets.

"But you told me to forget about her..." I trailed as he sighed and looked up from his papers at me.

"Yeah... but you're my best friend... it doesn't feel nice to see you sad, longing for someone... just... try talking to her and if she hears you out then tell her everything and even after that if she decided she doesn't want to talk to you... just let her go." Chenle said making me look down at my hands.

"I'm... I'm scared she'll push me away." I said, making him groan.

"I swear... you are such a scaredy cat...mouse, scaredy mouse. Don't just give up so fast. Do you want to talk to her like you used to or not?" Chenle asked making me widen my eyes.

"Of course!" I exclaimed making him roll his eyes.

"THEN GO!" He exclaimed making me get up before running to search for her.

I enter the music block in hopes of finding her around there. Not knowing exactly what department she's a part of, I just walk in circles and hexagons or whatever in search of her.

"Sup." I turn to find one of the boys who hang out with Lia. His name was probably Sohee. He had a cut on his brow and a bandaid on his cheek as he stared at me, eyes boring into me with no sort of emotion... just blank.

"Where's Lia's class?" I asked him as he remained indifferent.

"I won't tell you." He said as he began walking making me stop him.

"Hey, just tell me where she is." I said, raising my voice a bit.

"I'm not scared of you. But I'm scared of Lia. She'll kill me if she finds out I lead her to you, but then again... I'm loyal. So I won't do that." He said in a monotone voice.

"Yah... I just want to talk to her." I said as he smiled.

"Not my problem." He said and continued walking, making adrenaline run through my veins as I grabbed him by the collar pushed him onto the wall.

"I won't say it again. Where is she?" I asked as he smiled before chuckling softly.

"See... that's why I hate you and your boy band. You guys have no sense of general etiquette. You don't know how to make requests. You don't know how to apologize... all you know... is to make demands and expect them on a golden platter." Sohee said before yanking my fingers from his collar and walking away as his words ingrained into my mind.

You don't know how to make requests. You don't know how to apologize... all you know... is to make demands and expect them on a golden platter.

I mean... Sohee does have a point, Jisungie.

That's it for this chapter 💖 ✨️

I hope you guys liked it as much as I enjoyed writing it 💖✨️

Chapter 8 can be found here

Likes and rebloggs are appreciated 💖 ✨️

[taggedmemes]

SENTENCE MEME ⟶ IDK HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME / RAZZMATAZZ always feel free to tweak the sentence to fit your muse.

"Big shot, so what?"

"You took the money but the money couldn't buy a friend."

"I want you to leave me alone."

"They say the devil that you know is better than the devil that you don't."

"You're a big shot here but nobody else knows."

"Go fly a kite until you're tangled in the hanging tree."

"Four in the morning but we've having such a lovely time."

"Mad as a hatter with a dagger and a dollar sign."

"Tip your hat and break your mother's heart."

"When the sun comes up you'll find a brand new god."

"You'll never gonna stop me."

"I'm never gonna quit."

"Lose yourself inside the city."

"Lose your mind inside the week."

"We can live while we're alive."

"Come inside, twist the knife."

"I'm a voluntary victim."

"Watch your colonial tongue."

"I'll watch you tighten the noose."

"Don't you lose all your control."

"You can't get into heaven if you haven't got a soul."

"They'll replace you with machines."

"Paralyzed by the sum of your parts."

"Abstract with a human heart."

"I'm captivated, but I'm so confused."

"Come and see the opening band."

"No one likes an opening band."

"Chances are they won't go far."

"Career is sure to end."

"Unfamiliar things will make us nervous."

"You've got the devil on your shoulder."

"You better shut your mouth just like I told ya."

"You've been controlling me through fiction."

"I got to break you like a bad addiction."

"I can't say no, I'm losing control."

"I'm having bad dreams."

"Nothing you can do will keep the bad things away from me."

"Despite your good intentions."

"I am just the new invention."

"Feels like you're running out of holy places."

"It's a miracle I'm standing."

"You're dragging me back."

"You're beautiful and evil too."

"You're sinister and vile."

"For you I'd die, or kill myself."

"I'd swing from the gallows and wave."

"I'd carousel into my grave."

"You're right down vicious."

"I can't help it, but I still wish I was with you."

"I'm a teenage beauty queen of sorts."

"I'm calculated, cold, without remorse."

"Only if you'd like me, I could fall in love with you."

"You're a holy quarantine."

"Could it be that it's only in my head."

"Give me something more for my wild imagination."

"Tell me that you're more than a sick fascination."

"You're with me all the time."

"I don't care about anything at all."

"I know that girls like you don't come with guarantees."

"You've got to spend your time, won't you spend it with me?"

"I hope we kiss goodnight."

"It might just end my life."

"I'll be a gentleman, or you can show me the door."

"I don't want to spend my life with anyone else."

"Pardon me if I forget your name."

"Is that any way to talk to me."

"Corrupting the young with your uncivil tongue."

"What a shame if you misspeak now."

"I need you here."

"There is no other place in the world I would rather be."

"Can't you stay right here forever, pretty please?"

"Where do you go when you're not home?"

"If I'm out of line, just show me the door."

"Don't hold your breath for goodness sake."

"You've got parliaments filled with parasites."

"Let's go paint the town on our way home."

"The blinking lights are breaking bones."

"Then you have that good old fashioned razzmatazz."

"You broke my heart again."

"Some things just cannot be fixed with sparkled tongues and politcs."

"In a fascist little paradox, we all become anonymous."

"I would say I'm sorry if I thought that it would change your mind."

"I know that this time I have said too much."

"I've been too unkind."

"I tried to laugh about it."

"I covered it all up with lies."

"I tried to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes."

"Boys don't cry."

"I would break down at your feet and plead forgiveness, but I know it's too late."

"There's nothing I can do."

"I would tell you that I loved if I thought you would stay."

"I misjudged your limits."

"I pushed you too far."

"I took you for granted."

"I thought you needed me more."

"I would do most anything to get you back at my side."

[allmoshnobrain]

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐫

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

part 13 of ? | masterpost

word count: 2785 | ao3 link | fic's playlist

I let myself get lost in the warmth of his embrace and his touch, forgetting about the nagging thought that he would soon be leaving. I couldn't help but recall earlier, when I was told I "loved too much." Maybe there was some truth to it because right then, I loved him so much that I'd do anything he asked - even ditch my plans of not going with him to New York.

✦ summary: Dave and Nore cherish their last day together before the band’s departure to New Jersey.

✦ on this chapter: NSFW!!!, dave mustaine x female!oc,oc is cliff's cousin, +18, language, slice of life, angst (mild), fluff, mxf sex (explicit), recreational drug use

✦ a/n: this is my attempt at writing a cute/romantic chapter for dave and nore before things start changing and chaos comes. hope you like it, feedback is welcome!

✧ kiss me hard before you go ✧

The afternoon of my date with Dave started off cool, with a nice breeze that wasn't enough to make us feel cold.  We took the opportunity to have lunch together and then catch a movie. Despite everything, I felt happy. I tried not to dwell on the fact that it would be our last day together for a while, as Dave and the guys were leaving the next day. But even with that in mind, it was nice to have some alone time with him. It was a new thing for me since we usually had fun with our friends, whether we were hitting up the bar or partying after their shows.

"So, what's the plan now?" I asked as we left the cinema. 

It was still early, with the sun slowly setting in the sky. I knew we were heading to the beach cottage Dave had rented later in the evening, but for now, I let him take the lead on what we should do. He pulled out a joint, taking leisurely puffs before passing it to me.

"I've got a cool idea. Come with me," he said, flashing a warm smile as he held my hand. 

I couldn't help but smile as our fingers intertwined. After almost two months of being together, these little affectionate moments had become part of our routine. Maybe part of why their upcoming absence, even if just for a while, bothered me so much was because I couldn't imagine life without Dave by my side. Being without him was something I didn't even want to think about anymore.

We strolled through the city, chatting and laughing while passing the joint that Dave had brought along. As the sun started to set, we ended up at a small amusement park near the beach, with the rides lit up and twinkling in the twilight. Families and groups of teenagers were having fun, enjoying the late afternoon. 

"An amusement park?" I grinned at him. He returned the smile, clearly seeing the excitement in my eyes. "It's been forever since I've hit up a place like this!" 

"I figured it'd be a cool place to hang out with you," he said. "Hey, wanna jump on that Ferris wheel?" 

"Sure thing." I flashed a grin. 

He took my hand and led me to the line, which luckily wasn't too long. After a few minutes, we hopped into one of the cabins and settled in next to each other. I burst out laughing as we started going up, and he sparked up another joint. 

"Dave! I don't think we can smoke up here." 

"Who cares?" he smirked, making my heart skip a beat. I playfully rolled my eyes, grinning back at him. He brought the joint closer to my lips, and I took a drag. His thumb traced the outline of my lip. "You know, it's not too late to change your mind, right?" 

"About what?" I asked, curiosity taking over as I glanced away from the view, which was getting higher and higher. 

"About coming with us tomorrow." 

I chuckled softly. 

"Dave, I already told Lea I'm crashing at her place for a while. It's all good." I held his hand, gently stroking it. "But you know I'll be right here when you get back, right?" 

He smiled, a hint of disappointment in his eyes, but then kissed my forehead tenderly. 

"You're trouble, you know that?" he whispered, and I laughed. 

"What are you on about now?" 

"That I can't stay away from you," he said, his lips meeting mine in a kiss. He pulled back, a mischievous grin on his face. "I think I'm addicted. And that's a dangerous thing." 

"Well, what if I told you I feel the same way?" I whispered, gazing into his eyes. 

"Then I'd say I'm damn lucky," he replied with a smile, before leaning in to kiss me again.

We made the most of the late afternoon, jumping on all the awesome park rides. From the goofiest carousel to the craziest roller coaster, everything was way more fun when we were together. Even though we'd been dating for a while, I still couldn't believe how much I was head over heels for Dave, how effortlessly he brought me joy, and how damn lucky I was that he felt the same way about me.

By the time we left the park, it was dark outside. The electric lights of the rides lazily blinked in green, yellow, red, and blue. I gotta admit, things seemed way more intriguing to watch after an afternoon of smoking — everything took on new shapes, colors popping in a whole different way. I casually glanced at a group of teens cracking up and chatting as they strolled out of a tent covered in blue and white stars.

"Predict your future with Madame Vasilova," Dave read the sign next to the tent entrance, a smirk on his face. "Wanna give it a shot?"

"No way," I replied, grinning back at him and raising an eyebrow. "You're not gonna ask her some cheesy question like if we'll be together forever, right?"

He burst out laughing.

"Nah, are you? C'mon, I know that cute look on your face when you're curious."

I chuckled as he grabbed my hand and dragged me into the tent. I blinked, adjusting my eyes to the dim lighting and taking in the smell of incense. Madame Vasilova sat at the table, an old lady with a serious expression. She looked up as she shuffled her cards.

"First time?" she asked, a smile on her face. She had a heavy accent that matched her name. "Have a seat."

I sat down on the chair in front of her while Dave stood next to me, clearly intrigued by the whole scene.

"Hmm... I don't know what to ask," I admitted. The lady grinned.

"Don't need to ask anything. Just pick three cards," she said, spreading out the deck face down. I glanced at the cards, curious, and randomly grabbed three. She gathered the rest of the deck and laid out the chosen cards: The Lovers. The Hanged Man. The Wheel of Fortune. She pursed her lips, slowly running her fingers over the cards before starting to talk. "You've got a big heart, my dear. Someone who loves too much. But that can also bring pain to the soul. Important choices are coming your way... They'll shape your life. Choose wisely."

"Thanks," I mumbled, unsure how to react to that information.

She simply smiled at me. I pulled out a few bucks from my purse and paid her, and then Dave and I stepped out of the tent. 

"Well, that was... different," I remarked, and Dave chuckled softly. 

"Yeah, I guess it's normal. Those people always say these confusing things." 

"And you didn't even want to ask anything!" I pointed out, and he chuckled. 

"Yeah, I figured I didn't want to ask if we'd be together forever or not. What if she said you were gonna dump me?" 

I huffed and rolled my eyes. 

"I'd make her swallow that whole deck of cards," I grumbled, and Dave burst into laughter. 

"That's my girl," he playfully said, planting a kiss on my forehead. "You hungry? Let's grab some dinner, and then we can head to the cottage later." 

"Sounds good. I'm starving anyway," I grinned, holding his hand tightly. 

The beachfront restaurants were pleasant and beautiful. We picked one that didn't seem too expensive and snagged an outdoor table. The night was getting cooler; even though it was spring, now that the sun was gone, the late afternoon breeze made me shiver a bit from the cold. 

Once we finished eating, we strolled along the beach promenade, hand in hand, enjoying the cool night breeze and chatting softly. It didn't take us long to reach the cottage, a cozy little house tucked near the beach. I had no clue how Dave managed to afford the place; all I knew was that he adamantly refused when I offered to chip in. 

He unlocked the door, and I walked in, flipping on the lights. The cottage had a cozy living room with a couch and a doorway leading to a tiny kitchen. The bedroom was roomy, with a dark wooden bed and light blue sheets that matched the wall. There was a backpack sitting on the bed, which I knew Dave had brought earlier in the day, packed with towels and a change of clothes for both of us. In the back of the room, there was a glass door that opened to a small balcony, giving us a view of the moonlit sea. I tossed my purse on the bed and opened the door, totally enchanted by the breathtaking view. The moon was casting a peaceful glow on the calm sea; I could see some boats parked far away. I looked up at the sky, filled with a bunch of stars I'd never seen before, and let myself get lost in the sight.

My heart raced when I felt two strong hands sliding around my waist, his arms wrapping around me from behind and pulling me against his body as I felt his warm breath against my skin. My own breath faltered as his lips touched my neck, kissing and exploring it slowly. I sighed as one of his hands left my waist, moving to my back and unzipping my dress.

“I don’t think you’re gonna need this anymore.” he whispered against my skin as he lowered one of my dress’ straps. I chuckled softly, turning to face him. He smiled. “Wanna come inside?”

“Yeah.” I whispered, allowing him to take me back inside the room.

He sat leaning against the bed’s headboard, pulling me onto his lap. I sat on his legs, straddling him, and chuckled softly, feeling my face grow warm, when he put his hand under my dress’ skirt, squeezing my ass firmly. I wrapped my arms around his neck, letting him pull me closer, meeting my lips with his in a slow kiss, and whined softly when he squeezed my thigh, his rough hand against my skin.

I pulled away from his kiss, blushing, as his hand went to my face, gently caressing my cheek and tracing the outline of my lower lip with the tip of his thumb. Dave looked at me, his brown eyes deep with lust, his hand pulling down my dress and revealing my breasts. I shivered, feeling the night’s cold air against my skin. He took my dress off, leaving me in only my underwear on his lap, and kissed me again slowly, his tongue moving against mine while his hand explored my body. He let out a low grunt when I moved my lips to his neck, leaving small kisses on his skin as I settled in his lap.

“So you’re getting braver now?” he asked in a husky tone, and I pulled back, feeling my face grow warm. After two months together, we had already fucked several times, but I still felt a little shy when it happened. He laughed softly. “I’m just kidding, babe. Come here.” He grabbed my hand and pressed it against his pants.

I blushed when I felt his erection against the palm of my hand; I moved my hand slowly against his jeans, my fingers searching for his pants’ button. He moaned softly, pulling me closer as I unzipped his jeans. His lips crashed into mine again, his kiss was now intense, hungry. He pulled back and took his clothes off quickly.

“Ah!” I exclaimed, surprised, when he pulled me back close, almost aggressively. He moved my panties aside quickly before penetrating me forcefully, one of his hands holding my ass firmly while the other gripped my waist. “D-Dave!”

“Sorry.” he whispered in a husky tone. He moaned, tilting his head back as he helped me move up and down on his cock. I held onto his shoulders, burying my face in his neck, feeling my whole body warm up and letting small moans escape while I felt him move inside me. “Am I… Hurting you? Are you ok?”

“I was just… Oh, my God. ” I moaned, and he chuckled breathlessly. “I was just surprised. It was… Hmmm… It was so sudden.” He held me tighter, pushing his hips forward as I rode him slowly. I moaned, surprised by how good I was feeling. “Dave, I… Oh… ”

“You like it?” he asked, his breath quickening as he tugged my hair lightly, pulling my face away from his body so I could face him. I moaned as he held my waist with his other hand, helping me ride him, up and down, slowly, the sound of my skin slapping lightly against his filling the room. "Feels good, right?" I nodded, my face heating up, and I let out a moan as he brought his hand to my clit, massaging it softly. I picked up speed, my fingers tangling in his hair, moaning low as I moved in his lap. He growled. “You're so good at this. You're gonna make me.. Oh, gonna make me cum. Fuck, Nore… Wait a sec.”

I got off his lap and sat on the edge of the bed, both of us flushed and breathless; I watched him as he got to his feet, opening the bag and looking for something. He took a condom out of the bag, opening it and putting it on quickly before walking back to me. He leaned over, still standing, and grabbed my waist, laying me face down on the bed and pulling me close to him by the hips, resting his body weight on his other hand as he held me by my waist. He climbed onto the bed, his knees wrapped around my legs, and leaned over me, biting the side of my neck and then my ear as he pulled my panties off. I let out a low moan as he penetrated me again, gripping my hair tightly in one hand as he moved forcefully inside me.

“Feels so good inside you.” he panted, and I moaned softly in response. “So tight, oh, fuck…” he increased the pace of his movements, resting his head on my shoulder as he moved on top of me.

I knew he was getting close to coming just by the way his movements grew more intense, desperate for more contact, moaning escaping between his clenched teeth as he held my body tightly. He kissed my neck, moving faster and faster until he shuddered, letting out a deep groan when he finished. He collapsed onto the bed next to me, and I giggled at the sight of him, face flushed and eyes closed, trying to catch his breath.

"I waited all day for this, you know?" he said, his voice husky. I settled on the bed, moving closer to him, and smiled when he hugged me.

"So, you just took me on a date to fuck me afterwards?" I asked, teasingly, and he scoffed.

"Don't even think about it," he grumbled, opening his eyes with a furrowed brow, and then chuckled softly. "But I can't deny it was one of the best parts of today."

I laughed softly, burying my face in his neck. He took off the condom, and tossed it in the bin at the foot of the bed before kissing me lightly on the lips.

“Don't even think I'm done. I'm not leaving here until you come too.” He whispered in my ear, and I felt my face heat up. I pulled away, giving him a look with raised eyebrows, realizing that my face was totally red. "What's up? I told you I wouldn't let you sleep tonight," he chuckled at my reaction before planting another kiss on my lips.

The night flew by as I let myself get lost in the warmth of his embrace and his touch, forgetting about the nagging thought that he would soon be leaving. I couldn't help but recall the tarot reading earlier, when I was told I "loved too much." Maybe there was some truth to it because right then, I loved him so much that I'd do anything he asked - even ditch my plans of not going with him to New York.

But he didn't ask for anything. He just held me tight in his arms and loved me in a million different ways, between sighs, moans, and eager kisses that left us both worn out and wrapped around each other. I dozed off with his arms still wrapped around me, his soft snores against my neck, full of all the love bites he had left on my skin.

[dearmrsawyer]

hello! it has been a long time since i've talked through my day! this one had such a big turnaround that i needed to document it, mostly for myself.

i had an appointment with a 'root canal specialist' today bc i had my first app with my new dentist a couple of weeks ago and his xray revealed an abscess wow how fun :) i couldn't feel it bc that tooth has a decade old root canal so there are no nerves to reveal there is anything going on!! fun!!!! he's a super nice dentist, i like him but he made me very panicked lol he was showing me how close it is to my sinuses on the xray. so he was like 'go see this guy asap' bc he wanted to know whether there was a chance my old root canal could be redone or if i'd have to get the whole tooth removed/an implant, all for the low low price of $5-6000 🙃 but obviously you can never see specialists asap!!! so i've been walking around for 2.5 weeks with dread/phantom pains that by the time i saw him the infection would've spread and idk had catastrophic consequences??? and then today when i went there was CONSTRUCTION at the turn i needed to make and the road was closed and i was like i don't know how to get there from another street??!?!?!??! i spent 10 minutes driving through suburban streets and my navigation kept trying to take me back to the original route with the closed road, and its the middle of town so there was nowhere i could just temporarily stop and look at the map, and i called them almost crying to let them know i'm coming but i might be late bc i just can't navigate these streets jegjkdgkjdkg

anyway i MADE it, i think i parked in another business's parking lot and just hoped they didn't care lol and then the lady at the desk was like 'our other specialist will have to see you bc the guy you're here for isn't here' so i was feeling uhhhh not good after my dentist talked him up so much. AND my dentist didn't send over my electronic referral and i had LITERALLY been stressed that he would forget to do exactly that for the whole 2.5 weeks oh my god, thankfully they didnt even seem to care. but then as i was filling out the paperwork in the waiting room 'no judgment' came on, and then 'wolves' right after??? and i was like this seems deliberate to try and calm me down 😂 and when the substitute specialist called me in he was so extremely calming and talked me through my options, one of which is indeed to try and redo the root canal bc he's confident he can, it would still cost a lot but wayyyyy less. he also said i could 'do nothing' (which is obv risky, and i would never do nothing, but that made me realise my infection is not about to bust through and spread across my sinuses any second, one fear down!). he was just softly spoken and super relaxed and he made me feel like this was not in fact a crisis and said i could go and think about what i wanted to do, and just call for an appointment when i decided. and then when i went out to pay 'i want to write you a song' was playing 😭 i asked the receptionists if there was a 1d fan in the house and one of them said it must just be a random playlist on spotify, so this was all a complete coincidence????? i told them i was enjoying it very much.

anyway long story short i had already taken the rest of the afternoon off work to go work in the garden, but figured there was a good chance i'd be so down about an unexpected and immiment $5000 hit that i wouldn't want to do anything, but i drove home feeling extremely reassured that i had options and i was not on the clock to decide, and also very relaxed by 1d playing in the background the entire time. i have also been extremely stressed that i would need to take the next step asap and this would be such a bad time as mum is working 50 hour weeks right now bc of the referendum, so i am on caring duty with nonna/nonno anytime we don't have carers here. but there's time! i had a v good afternoon in the garden after all!

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #52

previously - Journal Entry #51 (part two)

Yuri

Have you ever wished you didn't exist?

I'm not talking about wanting to take your own life or hoping that you'll just fall asleep one night and never wake up. I mean wishing that you actually didn't exist, that you'd never been conceived and born in the first place.

I wish for that.

I'm not sure if I'll post this recording to our journal. I may even delete it from my phone later. The only reason I'm doing this at all is because I'm feeling so frustrated and upset and... I don't know. Worthless. Horrible. Perhaps angry at myself because I can never live up to anyone's expectations for me, not even my own.

Despite the number of times I'm told that I'm enough just as I am, I can't make myself believe it. I notice how people pretend to like me when they don't, and how they're polite and deferential to me because they think I'm too fragile to handle their honest feelings about me. I'm aware of their disapproval and disdain.

In all fairness, though, I can't blame anyone for disliking me. I see the work I create for everyone around me and how much of a burden I am to them. I despise myself for that.

The sad irony is, as much as I don't want to be a burden, not being one seems impossible. I'll never not be chronically ill. There'll be periods when I'm reasonably well, but there'll also be times when I'm too sick to do anything for myself and someone will have to take care of me. That's a reality I can never escape from.

I can guess what some of you would probably say now if you heard this. But, you love all the attention you get, don't you?

I think it’s a natural human response to like receiving attention, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it. The truth is, being bathed or fed or massaged feels good, and knowing I have people in my life who’ll do that and so many other personal care tasks for me gives me a certain sense of security. And yes, in the moment, I do enjoy it. The problem is, when the task is done and I’m alone with my thoughts, I start to feel guilty for allowing myself to forget, even for a second, that these things aren’t meant for my gratification. I remember I'm a selfish, awful person for enjoying something that comes at the cost of someone else's time and effort, particularly because I know full well that I can never pay them back.

The thing that bothers me most of all is that the people who do the majority of the caretaking are my mother and Victor. The people I love more than anything, who I want to see happy and who I want to protect are the very ones who suffer the most because of me.

My beautiful, brave, loyal Victor would do anything for me, and I'd move the mountain itself to repay him if I could, but my intention is not enough. I love him with my entire mind, body and soul, but my love is not enough. I don't deserve him, and I don't know why he stays with me, because nothing about me will ever be worthy of someone as good and gentle and selfless as him. Nothing can ever erase the imbalance in what we give each other, and that truth chips away at my heart more and more as time goes on.

Victor says he loves me, and he’s demonstrated it in so many ways that I’d have to be completely detached and indifferent not to believe him. He also says he doesn't mind all the work he has to do, but I'm not so certain about that one. How could it possibly be true that it doesn’t bother him? It's unfair, and I know it's hard on him, being tied down by me all the time. He gave up so much for me, and here I am with nothing of value to give in return.

Sometimes I think it would've been better if we'd never met at all. He could've had a good life without me, chased all his dreams and done everything he'd planned to do.

It's too late now. He's attached to me, and I've ruined his life, and there's no way for me to set him free to reclaim what's left of it without hurting him in the process. I offered that to him once before and it upset him so much that I swore I'd never mention it again, even if I think it'd be in his own best interest to get away from me.

Not that I ever want to be apart from him, you understand, but if I need to choose between his happiness and my own, I'll always want to choose his. It's why I'm willing to move halfway around the world, why I didn't say no when he told me he wanted to keep competing, and why I agreed to the idea of Fox coming here to help us. It's why I acquiesce to most things I'm not entirely comfortable with. Letting him have what he wants without objection is the only currency I can exchange for everything I've taken from him.

If he ever wanted to leave of his own accord, I'd let him have his way there, too. I wouldn't try to force him to stay. If it'd make him happy, I'd let him go even though it would shatter me into a million pieces, even though I'm sure I'd be in pain forever from the grief of such a loss.

Perhaps that would be my penitence. Maybe it's what I truly deserve.

I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't even be recording this. It's nothing but a confused, emotional rant, and if I do end up posting it, I fully expect that anyone who sees it will think even less of me than they already do. It's just that saying it aloud helps, even if I'm only talking to myself. At the very least, I won't lie to myself. Nearly everyone else would tell me whatever they thought I wanted to hear, which is why I've stopped talking to people about my troubles. What would be the point?

Victor says I need to see a professional, and maybe he's right. Maybe I could tell this stuff to a psychologist who isn't part of my life and who could be objective. I doubt there's anything they could realistically do to make me less of an inconvenience. They can't cure my illness or make me physically stronger, and they can't make anyone like or respect me, but I guess they'd be someone who'd listen.

Last night, after Fox left, Victor found me crying in the upstairs bathroom. I might as well admit that I threw up and that I was trying to hide that fact as well as my little breakdown from him. Have you ever tried to throw up quietly? If you discover the secret to doing that, please tell me what it is.

Because I know someone will inevitably ask, the reason I was trying to hide it is because Victor doesn't like seeing me cry. He says it makes him feel helpless. Besides, he's so tenderhearted that if I'm crying, he often ends up crying too, and I don't like seeing him cry either. I'm usually good at suppressing my emotional responses, so I really don't cry all that often, but for the past few weeks it seems I haven't been able to hold anything in. It's another sign of weakness, I suppose; yet another way I've failed him.

He knocked on the bathroom door and called for me several times. When I didn't answer, he simply opened the door and let himself in, exactly as I'd known he would.

I didn't look up at him, and just mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" he asked. "What's wrong?"

"Everything," I said, because it was the truth. Everything felt wrong, and I was sorry for all of it.

"Uh... you think you could be a little more specific?" Victor crossed the room in a few long strides and sat near me on the floor. "Did you get sick?"

"I think you know I did."

"Okay. But, is there something else?"

"I don't want Fox to come any more," I told him.

"Why? Did something happen?"

I shook my head. I really didn't feel like discussing it, and I didn't think I was in a fit condition to have a decent conversation about anything, much less about that. Besides, how was I supposed to explain to him how inadequate Fox makes me feel? How was I supposed to say that I don’t like how patronizing Fox is, and how I feel humiliated and powerless when he talks to me as if I’m a stubborn child or as if I’m intellectually delayed?

The part I hate the most about having Fox here is how he keeps trying to convince me that I'm not actually as ill as I say I am, like I'm exaggerating my condition for attention and that I'm capable of far more than I'll admit. He seems to be under the impression that all it takes is a little willpower to overcome pain, nausea, muscle weakness, extreme fatigue and all my other symptoms, not to mention anxiety. What he doesn't realize is that I have plenty of willpower, and if it were really that easy, I wouldn’t need somebody like him. I'd have been cured long ago.

He tries to make me do things that are much too difficult, if not impossible, and I can almost never do them without consequences to my mental and physical well-being. Although I push through each task as best I can to avoid a conflict that I know I wouldn't have the stamina to deal with, I almost always feel far worse afterwards. He says he's helping me, and he calls it progress. I call it cruel and unusual torment.

He's supposed to be taking care of me. He's getting paid to take care of me. I think that obligates him to stick to caretaking, and should not extend to pretending to be my friend or to practicing his dubious amateur occupational therapy on me.

But, I couldn't confess any of that, could I?

"No," I said at last. "Everything's fine. I just... I think I can look after myself now."

I couldn't, of course, and I have no idea why I said that. I just didn't know how much longer I could endure the situation as it stood, and I suppose it was a way to get Victor to make Fox leave without me resorting to complaining about him.

Victor pulled at his lower lip with his teeth and gave me a worried look. My husband may be many things, but stupid and imperceptive aren't among them. He saw through me straight away. "Yuri, you can barely make it from your bedroom to here without help. I don't know if you're strong enough to look after yourself yet."

But, for some unknown reason, I persisted. "I'm not going to get any stronger by letting other people wait on me, am I?"

"You know it doesn't work like that," he said. "It's not like physio, where you build up strength in your muscles by exercising them. You're not going to get better by wearing yourself out."

"I'm never really going to get better anyway," I said. "I might as well do what I can, when I can, right?"

"Yes, when you can," he said. "Maybe in a few more weeks, when you—"

"No!" I cut him off mid-sentence. All of a sudden, I felt anger rising up inside me like a wave. It was irrational and relentless, and I felt unable to control it. "I don't want him here. Tell him not to come back."

"No," Victor said. "I'm not going to do that."

I stared at him, admittedly a little shocked. Victor hardly ever says no to me. "But—"

"No," he repeated. "You might not want his help any more, but I think you still need it. And I still need a little help too, until I get this other cast off."

"Helping you is meant to be my job," I said. "It's what i should be doing."

"You have a valid reason not to be doing it."

"But, I should be doing it," I insisted.

"Maybe," he said. "But I know you can't right now, and that's okay."

"I hate this!" I brought the edge of my fist down on the cold bathroom tiles as hard as I could. A jolt of pain shot up my entire arm, and as much as I tried not to wince, I'm sure I must have. "I'm tired of our lives being this way, of me not being able to do anything for you and just being a useless waste of everyone else's energy. I'm so tired of all of it, Victor. I just want it to stop."

Victor was gazing at me with an expression that might have been equal parts sympathy and perplexity. Whatever it was, it seemed obvious he didn't know how to respond. All he said was, "I know."

"No, you don't know!" I retorted. "You have no idea what it's like to be trapped in a body like mine!"

"I guess I don't, but—"

"You don't know what it's like to be exhausted and in pain all the time, or to worry that the slightest change could make it worse. You don't know how it feels to panic every time you realize you have to eat because everything you put into your mouth has the potential to hurt you. And you have absolutely no idea how worthless it makes me feel to not be able to do the simplest things for myself, much less be able to help you."

By the time I'd gotten all that out, I was shaking and crying, and there was nothing I wanted more than to be able to get up off the floor and flee as far away from everyone and everything as I possibly could. I didn't want Victor to look at me in the state I was in. I wanted to disappear, and contrary to what I previously said, in that moment I really did wish that I could go to sleep and not wake up ever again.

Victor reached toward me, like he wanted to pull me into a hug. Any other time, I'd be desperate for him to hold and comfort me, but the thought of him touching me just then was unbearable.

It was all I could do to speak through my tears. "Please, don't."

"But—" He lowered his hands and watched me for what felt like ages before he let out a long breath and tried again. "I think you need to tell me what's really going on."

"Nothing," I said. "Nothing but the same thing that's always going on around here."

"Which is...?"

"You know," I said.

"How about you humour me?”

I scrubbed fiercely at my eyes with the heels of my palms. "I'm tired. I'm tired of... everything. I don't want to keep fighting my own body any more. I don't want to keep pretending that I'm okay and that our situation is okay and that everything's fine when it's not."

"You don't have to pretend anything," he said. "We both know everything's not okay. And like, this is gonna sound like a cliché or whatever, but it's okay that we're not okay right now. Things will improve soon. They always do."

"No, they don't," I said. "Maybe it seems like that for a while, but we're always going to be caught in this cycle. Unless you decide to do something about it, you’re always going to be stuck with me."

"What do you mean, stuck with you? You make it sound like a chore or something."

"Isn't it?"

"If you're asking if it's a lot of work to take care of you, then the answer is yeah, it is a lot of work. But, it's not a chore. If it was, do you think I'd still be here? ‘Cause that’s what you meant, isn’t it? I’m only really stuck until I’ve had enough and I make up my mind to leave?”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“I’m not going to leave you, Yuri,” he said. “If I didn’t think I could cope with all your health stuff, I wouldn’t have stayed in the first place. I’d have been gone already.”

"Would you?” I said. “If you didn't feel like you had to, would you still stay?”

"You're assuming I feel like I have to.”

“Aren’t you tired too? Don’t you need a break from me and my problems?”

“A break from you? No.” He smiled slightly, but I got the impression it was born of awkwardness rather than a more positive emotion. He gestured vaguely. “It’d be nice to get a break from… this, ‘cause I am pretty wiped out, but that’s not your fault. It’s just real life, you know? I need a break from real life.”

“Me too.”

“Anyway,” he went on. “I told you before, we can get help. I mean, we've got help right now and I'm practically doing nothing, so..."

"But, you would if you could."

"Naturally, I would. You know that. But, I know my limits.”

“Are we close? To your limit?”

“Can you stop for a second, please?” he said. “I don't even understand why you're bringing this up, and I need to know why we’re talking about it. I thought we already settled this. Didn't we promise that we’d stick together through everything?”

"It's... I'm thinking about it for a lot of reasons."

"Such as?"

"Seiji," I said.

“What about him?”

“He came to visit me in the hospital."

"I know."

"He's not my friend,” I stated. The words hurt, or maybe it was the realization behind them that was so painful.

"What are you talking about?” Victor asked. “Seiji is your friend. He loves you."

The things that'd come out of Seiji's mouth the afternoon of his visit had made me question whether he'd ever been my friend. It made me wonder if he, like nearly everyone else, merely tolerated me and was only polite because it'd be socially unacceptable not to be, and now he'd finally grown tired of the pretense. "He thinks I'm a monster," I told my husband. "He was so angry."

“A monster? He didn’t really say that.”

“He did.”

"He brought you mochi," Victor said, his confusion evident in his tone. Clearly, Seiji hadn't mentioned anything to him about what had taken place.

For a few heartbeats, I paused, trying to decide if I should continue or not. Finally, I replied, "Yes, he brought me mochi, but I have no idea why. I don't even know why he came, because all he did was tell me what a terrible person I am. He thinks your accident was my fault."

"It wasn't," Victor said. "He's wrong about that."

"Perhaps, but I don't think he's wrong about everything else."

"Everything else. What's included in 'everything else'?"

"He said I don't deserve you. He said... he said you could've done better than me and that I'm holding you back. He said I'm hurting you just by being with you, and that if you're unhappy, it's my fault." I stopped at that point because I could feel tears starting to sting my eyes again and my chest was starting to feel tight.

What Seiji had said wasn’t anything new to me. I’d thought of most of it on my own, long before that. But, hearing the words coming from someone else caused them to strike home all that much harder.

“He’s wrong,” Victor said. “He knows I’m not unhappy. I told him that myself. And you’re not holding me back from anything.”

“I feel like I am.”

“You’re not. I’m doing everything I want to do,” he said. “Yeah, I gave up some stuff, but it’s not like you forced me to. Coming here when i did was my choice. I could’ve waited, but I didn’t want to.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Do you want the honest answer?”

“Yes.”

“It’s like I told you before,” he said. “Sometimes I wish I’d done things differently or made different choices, and sometimes I feel sad or angry about it, but I don’t think I’d call it regret. I love you, and I was determined that I was gonna be with you sooner or later, and if that involved a few sacrifices, I’d say they were worth it.”

“But, what about me? I haven’t sacrificed anything for you.”

“You don’t think so?”

I shook my head. “I suppose I had nothing to give up, in any case.”

“Sacrificing doesn’t necessarily mean you literally give something up. Sometimes it’s like, metaphorical or whatever. Like, I think it took a massive amount of courage for you to let me move in with you. You could’ve said no, but instead of letting your fear tell you what to do, you took a risk."

“That doesn’t seem like much of a risk."

"In hindsight maybe, but think about how you felt at the time."

"I wanted you to come," I said. “And I didn't give up anything compared to what I got out of it.”

“I got a lot out of it too,” he said. “It’s not as unequal as you think.”

“What do you get out of it?”

“I got you. You’re amazing, whether you believe it or not.”

“That’s not an answer." There was an edge to my voice that I didn't like, but once the words were out, there was nothing I could do. "That's the sort of thing you say when you can't think of anything."

“Okay, fine," Victor responded. "You need me to be specific?"

"Can you be?"

"Yeah, I can," he said. "You’re my voice of reason. You help me make good decisions, and you always know how to calm me down when I’m too hyper and the noise in my brain is really bad. You teach me stuff all the time, and you do your best to take care of me.” One side of his mouth twitched in what might’ve been an ironic smile he was trying to keep at bay. “Maybe even when you shouldn’t.”

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you saying that?"

"Because everything you just described... it's nothing. An acquaintance could do all that."

"You think I'd trust just any random acquaintance with my secrets? You think I'd let them into my personal space? Or let them do the stuff you did for me after my accident?"

"You let your mother and stepfather do it."

"Yuri, they're my parents. Well, Julian's not exactly my parent, but you know what I mean. I trust them just as much as I trust you, and if you don't think that much trust counts for anything, then... I don't know what else to tell you."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that!" he exclaimed.

The sharpness of his tone startled me, and totally against my will, I lost the battle to hold my tears back any longer. "I've tried so hard," I said. "But, I just... I can't be what you need. I'll always be the one taking more than I can give, and nothing I ever do will be enough. Seiji is right. You deserve so much more than I can ever offer you."

He was silent for a long time after that, but finally he said. "Do you even know what I need?"

I didn't respond. How could I? The challenge in his tone was so obvious, there was no mistaking its implication. If I answered anything other than no, it'd be the wrong answer. He was compelling me to admit my failure as a partner, but what was the point? We both understood that much already.

I closed my eyes and lowered my head. The pain I felt in my heart was a thousand times greater than anything I'd ever experienced in my body, and one thought drowned out all the others, playing in my brain on repeat.

I want all of this to end.

[moonlight-melts]

I want to believe you're special

IT'S MY LITTLE BROTHER'S BIRTHDAY!!! Happy birthday Kantaro I hope you had a good day <33

I call him baby bear, it's just a nickname I give him! His character has a lot of bear imagery, so...

I don't think there are any warnings to issue here except maybe a bit of anxiety and self-deprecation at the beginning because uuuh Kantaro.

Can you tell I suck at giving gifts? Because I really do.

Title comes from Swap Out by Police Piccadilly!

PLEASE REBLOG MY WRITING.

¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫¸¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫¸¸

Kantaro ends his birthday live with a last peace sign, and lets out a relieved sigh when the little red dot indicating he was live disappears. The views count was low, barely hitting five hundred, and Kantaro can't help but wonder how worthless is existence is if people won't even be there for his birthday -that was his special day, for fuck's sake! Why couldn't they all celebrate with him?

On top of that, Esther said he'd come to celebrate today, and he was well past an hour late. Defeated, Kantaro slumps in his chair. Esther probably forgot, why would he care? Kantaro isn't all that important and the eldest has other things to do in his life that are probably much, much higher priorities than a failure of an idol like he is, right? That must be it, there's no other explanation, and...

A loud slam of the front door interrupts his train of thought, and only a few seconds pass before Esther barges into the room and literally throws himself at Kantaro, who's so taken aback he's completely frozen. When Esther pulls back, the other members of VISTY appear at the door, intrigued by the noise.

-I am so late! He says. I was indecisive and I ended up missing the train, so I told myself I'd go by bus but then I missed the stop so I had to come by foot, but I kinda got lost... I'm so sorry!

-So you didn't forget...?

The look in Kantaro's eyes and the tone of his voice are close to break Esther's heart.

-Forget? Gods, no, how could I? I'm sorry if I made you feel that way.

-No, no, it's... It's just...

He can't finish his sentence before he's engulfed in another hug.

-I'm sorry for being so late, I really should've at least send a text. Happy birthday, Kantaro.

Kantaro nuzzles his face in Esther's shoulder before pushing him back a bit. The eldest rummages through the bag he took with him and starts to explain:

-So, aside from my little orientation problem, I have other reasons for being late.

-You should really be careful, though. Toma chimes in as he sits down next to them, a slight smile on his face. You'll end up getting seriously lost one day.

-I know... Sorry for worrying you. Anyway, I made this... And got you this!

He takes out two boxes, a tupperware and a neatly wrapped present box. He points the former.

-That's the honey cake I made once, and... Listen I know you guys are idols and all but I remember you liked it so I made it again and I think it's better than last time and I just... Wanted a little something so we can all celebrate together.

-No, that's a great idea! Shogo ruffles Esther's hair in a way that makes both of them giggle. It's not like a tiny infringement of our diet will change anything.

Everyone choses to ignore the implication of the last few words as Aoi goes to fetch plates and a knife. When they come back, a light smile decorates their lips. Kantaro ended his live about ten minutes ago, and didn't touch his phone once to start ego-surfing. Esther tends to be a bit overbearing, but Aoi is endlessly thankful for it sometimes. This is one of these times. As they cut the cake, they notice Kantaro's phone is laying the farthest away from him it's been in weeks.

Kantaro himself is staring at the present and is practically vibrating from curiosity, and Esther struggles to hide his amusement. He playfully rolls his eyes when Toma nudges him with his elbow.

-Okay, okay. He laughs. Well, I hope you'll like it.

Kantaro doesn't wait before tearing open the wrapping and opening the box. Inside lies a beige hoodie made of soft, fluffy fur. When he takes it out to look at it, he notices the little ears sewn to the hood. It's oversized and, when he takes off the sweatshirt he's wearing to try on the new one, it swallows him whole like a warm hug.

Seemingly satisfied, Esther nods to himself.

-You're so cute! He ends up saying. I hoped it'd fit you, you look great.

-Thank you, Es... I love it so much!

The smile he makes is less controlled than the ones he makes on camera. It's more toothy, uneven in a sense, and there's a fondness in everyone's eyes as they watch him nuzzle his nose in the fabric.

Esther smiles, grabs Kantaro's face and smack a light kiss on his forehead before pulling him close to his chest.

-Happy birthday, baby bear. I love you.

-Mmh. I love you too.

And soon, as Aoi, Shogo and Toma join in, the whole group becomes a tangled mess of arms and legs, squeezing a giggly Kantaro in a giant... Bear hug!

[mythundermeme]

100 lyric starters

notes: feel free to tweak details to fit the muses. do not add to this list. other meme blogs, please don’t reblog. (content warning: sexual themes, violence, death, suicide)

"Tell me, does that sexy gown say what she's got in store for her man?"

"I thought you would always be there to hold."

"The longer i must wait for justice, I grow ever hungry in the cold."

"Take from them just what they took from me."

"It’s hard to see a future when your purpose is your past."

"Shoot to kill and live to last."

"If loneliness is prison, every touch is liberation."

"I know good deeds don’t guarantee a path to some salvation."

"I’ve reclaimed just what they took from me."

"What I'd give and what I'd trade for all your flickers, your flickers of the light."

"You're just a bunch of lies."

"Oh, I have run to the letters that you wrote me."

"Oh, help me sleep at night."

"The morning fog and waking sun have healing ways."

"Gave up our lives just to find that it was not enough."

"Hope has no place here."

"Maybe the end we tried to avoid is already here."

"Some evil will never ever die."

"Even if it's in broken speech, I want you to tell me your pain."

"Pretending that the pain's worn off doesn't make you an adult."

"You're so precious to me it almost brings me to tears."

"All I fear means nothing."

"My heart's a battleground."

"You know that you're my super star."

"No one else can take me this far."

"You're giving me too many things lately. You're all I need."

"Don't get me wrong, I love you. But does that mean I have to meet your father?"

"Wish I could prove I love you, but does that mean I have to walk on water?"

"Whatever lies beyond this morning is a little later on."

"That's right, I heard the story. Don't really like how it ends."

"Did you think all this time that I wouldn't find out about you?"

"I'm the loser of the game you didn't know you were playing."

"It used to feel like a fairy tale, now it seems we were just pretending."

"Let's just live day by day and not be conquered by our sorrows."

"Can we get back to a happy place? We've suffered so much pain and sorrow."

"People make a history by threading the threads of love into it."

"We're the same, you and me."

"Love's the choice we made."

"Death can't bind our endless story."

"Pain is your reward for being near me."

"I am no one's blessing, I'll just bring you harm."

"Brother, you're safe now."

"Don't try to make yourself remember, darling."

"When I'm better, we'll do everything."

"I gotta stop making promises I can't keep."

"But if I was gone tomorrow, won't the waves crash on?"

"I told you to forget me, but you stayed by my side."

"I quite enjoy the life you say I'm trapped in."

"Well it's intriguing, but to go would cost me greatly."

"Your clothes might be dirty and covered with blood but i’ll still have a hot meal here waiting."

"Your heart is a safe place for others to land."

"You have two hands made to raise others up, and you have two clear eyes to see others with love."

"I’ll always be holding your heart and your hand."

"Without regret, I’d offer up my life."

"I would fly into the sun if that would keep our dream alive ."

"I will fight for you, no matter how I am despised ."

"No sleep until I'm done with finding the answer."

"I've been living for tomorrows all my life."

"They say that I must learn to kill before I can feel safe."

"I'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave."

"Feel me, touch me, heal me."

"Pretty little flower, won't you sit back down and go play nice?"

"My, oh my, look at who ends up bigger this time."

"Keep talking, keep laughing. One day you'll see what happens."

"Bury your doubts under the ground."

"Know I'm all bite, no bark."

"I'll stay so deep inside your brain and take you somewhere far away."

"Is it really a surprise if I'm playing with your mind?"

"Never had a soul, so you ain't taking anything from me when you go."

"A man learns who is there for him when the glitter fades and the walls won't hold."

"What are you willing to lose?"

"You're out of time, make your move."

"Kiss your perfect day goodbye."

"I had one thing, and you've taken it from me."

"You sent me back to nothing."

"Your best stuff looks like my worst."

"You look like you could use some more."

"What’s higher than the top? That's me."

"Wanna leave this hell, take me out, please."

"I’ll show you what I’m made of, rise to the occasion."

"You know your own worth very wel."

"You're not suited for the rage of war."

"Gonna break rules and hearts in twos."

"Only took a minute for me to get what you had."

"Way that I look should be breakin' the law."

"You know that I love the sound of applause."

"Sorry not sorry for bein' the best."

"I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you."

"Don't wanna let you down, but I am hell-bound."

"Your eyes, they shine so bright. I wanna save that light."

"I can't escape this now, unless you show me how."

"Why would you dare me to do it again?"

"Don't ever say it's over if I'm breathin'."

"They said I wouldn't make it out alive, they told me I would never see the rise."

"Why worship legends when you know that you can join 'em?"

"You stood me up, who do you think you are?"

"Now it hurts to meet your gaze."

"Nobody showed me how to return the love you give to me."

"I never wanted to ever bring you down."

"You touched my body once, it burns me still softly."

[waiting-on-a-dream]

𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞, 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡

Link: https://picrew.me/ja/image_maker/1394187

Haruto: [Opens door] Sorry I'm late.

Mayumi: That's alright. I haven't been waiting for long.

Haruto: [Sits down] How's your day been?

Mayumi: Good. I woke up early today so I decided to make breakfast for everyone. You came late, and Rin-chan had already finished off the last of the pancakes by then, haha.

Haruto: Such a shame. I would've loved to try them.

Mayumi: Maybe I'll make them again sometime.

Haruto: You'll have plenty of time to. So, how's life in Milgram so far?

Mayumi: I was really anxious at first, but I think I've gotten used to the place. It's not as bad as I thought it would be.

Haruto: Did the smoke diffuser help? Because it probably cost a ton.

Mayumi: Haha, yes. Lavender never fails to calm me down. Thank you for bringing one to me.

Haruto: Whatever makes you happy I guess.

Mayumi: It must be hard being a prison warden in such a place. I hope the other prisoners haven't been giving you too much trouble?

Haruto: It's nothing I can't handle. I'm surprised a fight hasn't broken out yet. I'd say you guys are pretty chill.

Mayumi: That's good to hear. If you're having trouble, please don't hesitate to ask me or Miyahara-san (Kiyoshi) for help.

Haruto: Sure. I'll keep that in mind.

Mayumi: By the way, can I ask how the song extraction system in Milgram works? I've heard bits and pieces of the process from other prisoners, but I was wondering if you could tell me more?

Haruto: Does it make you anxious?

Mayumi: Truth be told, yes. Wouldn't anyone be scared about something they don't know of?

Haruto: I'll be frank. I don't know how the system works either. I just press a few buttons on a machine and it works it's magic.

Mayumi: So even you don't know much about what's going on...

Haruto: Yeah. It's slightly unnerving.

Mayumi: Then, do you remember how you were brought here? None of us do, but since you're the warden-

Haruto: I don't remember anything.

Mayumi: Really?

Haruto: I don't remember anything before Milgram.

Mayumi: ...How is that possible?

Haruto: It's obvious, isn't it? I'm just as clueless about Milgram as you guys, perhaps even more so, with my past being a complete blank. We're all trapped here with no way out.

Mayumi: W-What?

Haruto: But enough about that. Let's not get sidetracked. It's your interrogation here, don't forget that.

Mayumi: You can't just tell me something like that and then-

Haruto: What do you think of the other prisoners?

Mayumi: ...I do my best to treat them well.

Haruto: Is there anyone you're not getting along with?

Mayumi: I'm almost ashamed to admit this. Daisuke-kun and his flirting tendencies, along with Ichiro-chan and Akane-chan who make me feel uneasy.

Haruto: Why do they make you feel uneasy?

Mayumi: ...I can tell bad things have happened to them. I wish I could help them, but I can't.

Haruto: It must be hard having thoughts like that with them around you everyday. Is that how it's like to be a nurse?

Mayumi: Maybe it's just me. I tend to think too much.

Haruto: My condolences.

Mayumi: It's alright. I'm doing my best to ground myself nowadays, think level-headedly and all.

[Bell rings, mechanical sounds in the back]

Haruto: We can finally wrap things up. If you please, sing your sins.

[linawritestwst]

hello, lina! congrats on 1k, i'd like a matchup if there are still some slots open? ^_^ i use she/her pronouns, my MBTI is INFJ, and my zodiac sign is Libra!

personality: i've been told i'm a nurturing and perceptive person who can notice the emotions of and encourage the people around me. i have good social skills and can lead when needed but i prefer to be a follower since i'm actually little reserved myself. i also prefer to show my candid self to a select few who i really trust. i laugh at silly things really easily but i usually stifle my laughter. i am also a bit physically affectionate!

interests: poetry/literature, history, intellectual and philosophical topics, documentaries, nature and anything related to tea and herbs.

hobbies: reading books, writing poems, stargazing, taking walks during nighttime.

what i'm looking for a partner: someone who can indulge me on my interests (they don't have to necessarily share them. if they're willing to indulge me even if they don't know what it's about, that is more than enough!), who can tell me to step back when i get too distracted taking care of others, who wouldn't mind that i can be a bit childish and silly at heart, someone who can be honest with me and keep me grounded.

what i'm not looking for in a partner: someone who is brutally inconsiderate, who is impulsive and follows their emotions too much (i value emotions myself but not to the point of carelessness/recklessness without logic), who is self-absorbed, or anyone who is dishonest and don't put the least bit of efforts.

i don't have a preference for specific years or dorms! i really, really want to know who i might be compatible with in your eyes and also, don't forget to take a break when you need it! thank you so much and congrats, lina. your works are always the best <3

THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU'RE TOO SWEET.. i'm so sorry for being so late, but i hope you like this matchup anyway!

the character that i think would be a good partner for you is..

riddle rosehearts!

i'll explain why i chose him:

i think your dynamic would be so cute! riddle could definitely use a s/o who's good at noticing other people's emotions and how their mood changes, haha. also i think that him being more of a leader because, you know, he's literally a dorm leader and he's based on queen of hearts, and you being more of a follower is a very interesting and fun concept! it's like he can be the one who's good at leading people and you can be there to follow him, but also gently guide him and give him advice in case he does something wrong.

it's hard for riddle to admit it, but he actually would love to hear you laugh more often. you can really notice him showing favoritism when he hears ace or cater laughing at something dumb and tells them to stop, but then he sees you trying really hard not to laugh at the same joke and for some reason.. he doesn't say anything and pretends not to see it. also he's not used to physical affection and he has no idea what to do when he receives it, but.. to be honest, he actually kinda likes it. please pretend you didn't hear that from him.

riddle may be a bit very impulsive sometimes, considering his temper, but he started to work on that after his overblot and also he just feels more calm whenever you're around. and even though it can be very hard for him to control his emotions, he still tries his best and trust him, he would never hurt you. he wants to help you as much as you help him, so if he notices you spending too much time taking care of others while forgetting about your own needs, he will remind you that you're just as important as those other people, so you should remember to take care of yourself too. also, you two share quite a lot of interests, so i'm sure you two would have lots of fun together!

[bananaboatwh0re]

08/20/24

I felt like I really procrastinated all day and didn't get the things done I wanted done.

I kept telling myself to get up and get things done but I stayed on my phone instead.

I didn't get to meditate to equilibrium like I wanted.

I was blessedly relieved of cramps for most of the day

didn't do dishes or exercise or work on finding a job or pretty much anything I told myself I was gonna do today.

When K came home I knew he would be in a bad mood because of how late it was. But it was still in a better mood than I expected.

He pretty much just slept, even now he's not playing games, he's just napping. I tried to cuddle him but didn't feel like wasting more time and was uncomfortable and felt like he didn't really want snuggles.

I tried to lie down and he just stared blankly for a bit before closing his eyes, a tell I've noticed he does when he's annoyed, kinda like rolling his eyes without actually rolling them. I asked if he wanted dinner, he just shrugged. it's very clear he's depressed, but I can't fix that for him.

I keep thinking about moving, the things I'm going to buy, the places I'll go, the friends I'll make. And how absolutely terrifying it'll be to be 100% alone. I don't know how to act in a city. I'm worried people won't baby me, take care not to hurt my feelings with sharp words and actions.

I've never been catcalled, or in a place with gangs. I've never been told or shown how to keep myself safe, not really. even covering your drinks is something I never think about.

I'm skeptical about being able to afford a house to myself.

I keep forgetting that in order to even begin to move on I have to get a job, and actually save my money.

I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to disappoint them. and I don't want them to have this expectation of me leaving and deciding not to leave in the end.

I need to plan better. know exactly what my budget would be. and stick to it. find a job revolving around that.

earlier in the day I had a thought, that I must be cursed. every time I unpack, I feel the need to move again. every single time I go somewhere new. I'd hope it wouldn't be the same once I left.

I also want to divorce Jake before I leave.

I'm nervous, scared, and excited, and I feel like I'm still in a premature "honeymoon" phase where I'm just daydreaming instead of doing. or even considering how this will realistically affect us both. He'd be crushed. and I know I will be. I just don't want it to be a fight. I don't think it'd be a good idea to tell him in the end. that'll break him for sure. I don't want to hurt him more than necessary. and I want to be pleasantly surprised that he takes it easy on me once I start a job. He is very kind when he wants to be.

I don't know if I still want to leave. I don't know if it'll make me happy. I don't know if leaving will be a mistake or not. I'd hope not.

I'm hesitant to set a time line. I just want to get as much saved up as I can and all my financial responsibilities taken care of.

right now that'd be paying off my credit cards. 300

paying into my taxes 1k

divorcing jake 330

registering wyrm as an esa- 200

I'd love to change my name as well but. I don't want to take on more than I can.

I really want to stop helping out at mypv.

I am very proud of that group of people but after B's insistence of not taking no as an answer for people helping, it gave me the icky. on top just how fucking burnt out I am.

I'm trying to get a second wind going but, I just feel drained and resentful.