#horace greeley

[dustzvacuumcleaner]

Yeah finally I’m in CA for two days

some doodles on the plane and earlier

[wanderingmind867]

Did you know there may once have been an autistic candidate for the US Presidency? It's true. Although I don't have all the details, I believe Horace Greeley is nowadays considered to have had Autism/Asperger's. It's hard to confirm that (he died in the 1870s), but it's kinda interesting to me. Also interesting is the fact he died like 3 weeks after the election (he was old and his wife died a few days before the election. I guess he was heartbroken).

[uwmspeccoll]

Science Saturday

A Descriptive and Historical Account of Hydraulic and other Machines for Raising Water, Ancient and Modern, including the progressive development of the Steam Engine is an extensive exploration of the multitude of ways to raise water. Written by British-American mechanics writer Thomas Ewbank (1792 – 1870), the book was first published in London by Tilt & Bogue in 1842, with the first American edition published in New York by D. Appleton and Company the same year. New York publisher Greeley & McElrath first published the title in 1845. Our copy is the second Greeley & McElrath edition published in 1847. Greeley & McElrath are Horace Greeley and Thomas McElrath, publishers of the New York Tribune.

Ewbank was born in Northern England and worked as plumber and brassfounder as a teenager. He emigrated to America in 1819 where he ultimately was appointed Commissioner of Patents and went on to cofound the American Ethnological Society. In his golden years, Ewbank wrote several books and papers on scientific and sociological topics.

In Ewbank's own words, A Descriptive and Historical Account of Hydraulic and other Machines for Raising Water, Ancient and Modern, including the progressive development of the Steam Engine sets out to “account for all the contrivances employed by different people to raise water -- whether for domestic, agricultural, mining, manufacturing, or other purposes” in the hope that it would be of use to scientists and mechanics. The book contains nearly three hundred wood-engraved schematics illustrating the specifics of how the hydraulic mechanisms worked.

View other Science Saturday posts.

-- Jenna, Special Collections Graduate Intern.

[antebellumite]

Antebellum Miscellaneous Casting 2/?

Before i continue i feel like it needs to be said that i actually dont know what any of these peoples acting styles are like, so this is 90% vibes 7% faceclaim and 3% concentration of will, so:

Matthew Daddario as Alexander Hamilton Jr.

Rebecca Hall as Sarah Polk

Emily Blunt as Lucretia Clay

Evan Rachel Wood as Margaret Eaton

Natalie Dormer as Floride Calhoun

Ben Barnes as Galusha Grow

Adam Driver as Roger B. Taney

Tom Cruise as John J. Crittenden

Luke Evans as Lawrence Keitts

Benedict Cumberbatch as Jefferson Davis

Sophie Nelisse as Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Jennifer Lawrence as Varina Davis

Chris Pratt as Horace Greeley

Jared Padalecki as Anson Burlingame

and

Mitt Romney as Franklin Pierce

[n3wy0rkd011]

go west, young man, your destiny lies in Hollywood

[reconstruction-defender]

I strive to have friends with a Horace Greeley aesthetic.

[pgoeltz]

FTP

[kellyscowboy]

“lighten up, no-one DIED (insert eyeroll)” my brother in christ, WHAT ABOUT HORACE GREELEY???

[one-highfalutin-sonuva-gun]

Newsie: Glasses

Actor: Will Jenkins

Glasses is a Newsie, flag-bearer, fanboy and scab. (Don't mind Jake abusing Boots in the back.)

He waits and watches at the Horace Greeley statue for the other Newsies to arrive.

He's friends with Harrison and Teeth.

Don't mistaken him for Specs as they have similar fashion choices with their dark vests over light shirts and dark pants. They also both wear glasses. Their hats tell them apart.

Although he dresses like Specs, he really only wants to be like his hero, Cowboy.

He favours a rope to carry his papes like Jack. And his dress style is also similar to Jack's.

Glasses has no dancing skills, but makes up for it by being the official Newsies flag-bearer. He waves a ginormous flag for the entirety of Seize the Day. What he lacks in dance skills, he makes up for in having great arm strength.

And continues to do so during the attack on Weasel's workplace. However, he finally has to stop when the bulls arrive and they cheese it.

If Glasses wants to be more like Jack, he's going to have to learn some moves from Jack.

But he figures it's easier to just follow Jack into scabbing. Glasses looks up and down at Jack's expensive new suit and imagines what it would be like on him. Although he could never afford it even on his inflated scabber salary. He wonders if it was worth scabbing.

Glasses decides that it's better to be part of the strike after all when Jack goes back to leading it.

New ship: Swifty x Kid Blink = Swink. (Swink is an archaic term meaning: to work under difficult conditions or for long hours, which really suits them being Newsies and all!)

Alternate Universe where Glasses is in Saved By the Bell:

[roscoe-conkling]

Horace Greeley Prettyman, pictured below in 1888, was the only player in the history of the University of Michigan Wolverines football team to be elected captain for three years, from 1886-1888, and earned a record 8 varsity letters during his athletic career before he retired from college football in 1890.

[shammah8]

Nothing speaks louder or more powerfully than a life of integrity. Absolutely nothing! Nothing stands the test like solid character. You can handle the blast like a steer in a blizzard. The ice may form on your horns, but you keep standing against the wind and the howling, raging storm because Christ is at work in your spirit. Character will always win the day. As Horace Greeley wrote: “Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing, and only character endures.”

Those who love Your law

have great peace, and nothing causes

them to stumble.

PSALM 119:165👏R Swindoll

[lionofchaeronea]

For whatever reason, I woke up this morning thinking about the tremendous damage done by the ideology of "Manifest Destiny" in North America, and this was the result. The "Greeley" referred to is, of course, Horace Greeley, whom I may have treated unfairly here--he was considerably more broad-minded and egalitarian than most Americans of his day. That said, his call to "go West, young man" summed up the ideology of a generation, with all its tragic costs. Anyway, I hope this speaks to you on some level.

[frogmanfae]

LOCAL NEWSIES ANALYSIS

ACT I

Jack doesn't have timing

Finch: smash

Holy fuck medda is so

ARE YOU BLIND?!!! S-SHES GOT NO CLOTHES ON!!!!

Step aside *shoves Davey away*

When they ran away from Snyder they just ran off stage so we were robbed of the chase scene :( it would have looked silly on such a small stage tho

Holy fucking shit medda

Davey is casted so so perfect

Katherine is so sassy holy shit

Uh. Bottom line was. Um. yeah so the guy who played Pulitzer actually spoke most of his lines that were supposed to be sung (and when he did sing it was pretty clear WHY this was) but he was good acting wise

Bunson said that the newsies will have to sell 25 more papers to make the same amount, which is mathematically incorrect sir

When the strike first started, after the union JUST voted to make it official and Jack was hyping everyone up, Davey was standing off to the side taking deep breaths and tapping his fingers on his legs and doing a couple of grounding techniques my therapist gave me for panic attacks (holy shit his actor was so autistic and definitely had anxiety and he also graduated from my high school like 5 years ago which was wild to see him again)

Les doesn't just say "I have a pencil!" he said "I have a pencil AT HOME" which to me really emphasizes just how impoverished the other newsies are. Even the ones who have homes don't have simple items (such as pencils) in those homes. Les isn't the only one of them who happens to HAVE a pencil. He's the only one who OWNS a pencil.

I wanna write a medda origin story (random thought I had)

During Jack and Davey's little dance thing in WWK Jack turned the wrong way and Davey had to nudge him to turn facing the back instead of the audience

There was a newsie in the ensemble who was so fucking pissed the entire show, especially during WWK, he put everything he had into that it was crazy shout out to him

At the end of WWH, Katherine started typing really dramatically and it actually looked more like autistic hand flapping (which I kinda love)

Davey talks with his hands a lot

The first scab looked like he was forced into this (not the stabbing, the show) he didn't throw down his papers, he dropped them and went "I'm with you 😐" and walked off stage

When they're striking and then weisel and the delanceys interrupt their songs, they didn't all stop at the same time and the last one you heard was Davey stopping after everyone

The delanceys took crutchie's crutch and literally like sabbed him with it before they dragged him off

Crutchie yelled for Finch as he was being dragged away

When crutchie was taken, the stage was completely empty except for him and the delanceys

During Santa Fe Jack was hyperventilating and he fell to his knees on the first couple notes. When he stood back up he kept leaning and looking over the railing like he was going to jump.

After he hit the last note of Santa Fe, he fell to his hands and knees near the edge and started wailing until the house lights came on for intermission

Les was really good omfg and it's apparently his first show like he's SO good it's insane

I got a newspaper purse during intermission :DD

ACT II

After viewing the program, the actor for Crutchie's day job is a MAILMAN (modern day newsboy pretty much)

Finch was laying face down on the table the entire time before Katherine walked in at the start of act II, including for the delivery of his line, "why do old people talk?"

The tap dancing was pretty good actually

When Crutchie says "so far they ain't brung us no food... Ha. Ha." he laughed like "heheh"

The music cut out earlier than in the original during letter from the refuge (it didn't stop, it just paused after "your best friend" and didn't continue until after the guard yelled) so "your brother, crutchie" was completely acapella and I sobbed

When the guard yelled from off stage to tell crutchie to quiet down, crutchie got this look of absolute terror in his eyes and it was heartbreaking

"Even Horace Greeley moved back to new York" "*waves his hand around like he's in class and really wants to get called on* OOH OOH YEAH! YEAH HE DID! AND THEN HE DIED!!"

"Dave (angry)" "Jackie (excited)"

Davey sounded pretty similar to Ben Fankhauser negl

Spot conlon was tall :( but he was scrawny asf so we'll accept it

At the rally, all the newsies were chanting "Jack Jack Jack Jack-" and Davey came and yelled "NEWSIES OF NEW YORK" and one guy just went "Jack?" and someone shoved him. Davey didn't acknowledge it.

Jack didn't storm away after the rally, someone paraded right in to the center of the floor and handed him the money where everyone was sure to see him and someone went "t-traitor! Youre a traitor!" And then the stage cleared until it was only Jack and Davey under two different spotlights, both looking at each other like they were about to cry. Jack looked at Davey like he wanted nothing more than to run to him and explain everything and Davey looked at Jack like he wanted to throw up. (Sobbing)

Jack and Katherine only kissed once, when she was threatening to punch Jack. All of the other kisses were replaced by hugs and to me that is so much more personal.

Jack seemed to be on the verge of tears for the entirety of Something to Believe In, like all he'd ever had was Santa Fe, but now there's something- some*one* who cares about him and he's gripping so hard onto that. He hugged her so tight I could see the tension in his muscles from the audience.

"... Oh no 😩 I know a printing press he'd never think we'd use 😮‍💨"

"Hey, ah- um, Jack? It's uh... It's good to have you back..." "... Shut up *teeny tiny loving smile*" your honor they're in love

The newsies all came into the audience during once and for all and the girlsie standing at the end of my row was singing harmony and she slayed so hard shout out to her

"Did you read this?? 😡😡 These kids put put a pretty good paper🤬🤬"

"I can't lower the price of papers-" "goodbye. *deadass walks out*" I CACKLED THIS WAS HILARIOUS

"*pouty, over his shoulder because his back is faced to Pulitzer,his arms are crossed, and his shoulders are up to his ears* it's a compromise we can all live with😤🫣"

Davey didn't lose any clothing :( but he also started out dressed more or less the same as Jack was so.

Katherine was blonde, which felt note worthy for some reason

Everyone cheered for medda the loudest during curtain call she was so fucking good

Davey kept stuttering throughout the show and at times it seemed like he was almost trying (and lowkey failing) to cover an accent of some kind but I know that his actor has an American accent because he and I are from the same town, which really feeds into my immigrant Davey hc

I can't get over how good Les was he's gonna grow up to be a star

Over all, this show was really fucking good

Also seriously, Medda. Girl if there's anyway you're reading this what on earth are you doing in the middle of fuck nowhere Pennsylvania?? I don't see many local actors who I believe can make it on Broadway, but you, you could thrive on Broadway.

Every one kept saying "San-ta Fe" and not "Sanna Fe" which felt note worthy

[viktor-danilov]

Beard Styles

Beard hair is most commonly removed by shaving or by trimming with the use of a beard trimmer.

If only the area above the upper lip is left unshaven, the resulting facial hairstyle is known as a mustache;

if hair is left only on the chin, the style is a goatee.

Goatee: A tuft of hair grown on the chin, sometimes resembling a billy goat's.

Junco: A goatee that extends upward and connects to the corners of the mouth but does not include a mustache, like the circle beard.

Meg: A goatee that extends upward and connects to the mustache, this word is commonly used in the south east of Ireland.

Van Dyke: a goatee accompanied by a mustache.

Monkey tail: a Van Dyke as viewed from one side, and a Lincoln plus mustache as viewed from the other, giving the impression that a monkey's tail stretches from an ear down to the chin and around one's mouth.

Hollywoodian: a beard with an integrated mustache that is worn on the lower part of the chin and jaw area, without connecting sideburns.

Reed: a beard with an integrated mustache that is worn on the lower part of the chin and jaw area that tapers towards the ears without connecting sideburns.

Royale: a narrow pointed beard extending from the chin. The style was popular in France during the period of the Second Empire, from which it gets its alternative name, the imperial or impériale.

Verdi: a short beard with a rounded bottom and slightly shaven cheeks with a prominent mustache

Muslim beard: Full beard with the mustache trimmed

Soul patch: a small beard just below the lower lip and above the chin

Glitter beard: Beard dipped in glitter.[20][21]

Hulihee: clean-shaven chin with fat chops connected at the mustache.

Friendly mutton chops: long mutton chop-type sideburns connected to a mustache, but with a shaved chin and neck.

Stashburns or the Lemmy: sideburns that drop down the jaw but jut upwards across the mustache, leaving the chin exposed. Similar to friendly mutton chops. Often found in southern and southwestern American culture (see, for example, the Yosemite Sam caricature).

Closed or Tied beard: Mostly seen among modern Sikh youth, this is a kind of full beard tied by using a sticky liquid or Gel and stiffens below the chin.

Oakley beard: Described by Indian makeup artist Banu as "neither a French beard nor a full beard". She used the look for Rajinikanth in Enthiran (2010).

Full: downward flowing beard with either a styled or integrated mustache

Garibaldi: wide, full beard with rounded bottom and integrated mustache

Old Dutch: A large, long beard, connected by sideburns, that flares outward in width at the bottom, without a mustache.

Sideburns: hair grown from the temples down the cheeks toward the jawline. Worn by Ambrose Burnside (the namesake of the style), Isaac Asimov and Carlos Menem.

Jawline beard: A beard that is grown from the chin along the jawline. Chinstrap, chin curtain and brett are all variations of a jawline beard with distinctions being chin coverage and sideburn length.

Chinstrap: a beard with long sideburns that comes forward and ends under the chin.

Chin curtain: similar to the chinstrap beard but covers the entire chin. Also called a Lincoln, Shenandoah, or spade.

Brett: similar to the chin curtain beard, but does not connect to the sideburns.[17]

Neckbeard: similar to the chinstrap, but with the chin and jawline shaven, leaving hair to grow only on the neck. While never as popular as other beard styles, a few noted historical figures have worn this type of beard, such as Nero, Horace Greeley, Henry David Thoreau, William Empson, Peter Cooper, Moses Mendelssohn, Richard Wagner, and Michael Costa.

Circle beard: Commonly mistaken for the goatee, the circle beard is a small chin beard that connects around the mouth to a mustache. Also called a doorknocker.[18]

Designer stubble: A short growth of the male beard that was popular in the West in the 1980s, and experienced a resurgence in popularity in the 2010s.[19]

Sea captain: A rounded, bottom-heavy beard of medium length with short sides that is often paired with a longer mustache.

[emmedoesntdomath]

emme’s 92sies review

@sparkedblaze I stole your idea because I was bored xoxo so here's my 92sies thoughts, with occasional running historical commentary:

okay having max do the intro was genius, he's a perfect introduction

they're on the horace greeley statue that's cool (editor of the tribune) (left, came back, died) (yer a nerd, emme)

kloppmannnnnn my guy

we really ditched the cowboy bit in livesies huh

max: *smack*

mush is RIPPED

god I love skittery and his relationship with race so muchhhh

ooh christian did a little dance- kind of. he twirled once. love you babe.

I actually love the 92sies lyrics and I know that's an unpopular opinion, but they're so funny

christian bale was either high or drunk whilst filming this and that's a fact

morris is older. fight me (not you, @noxexistant, I love you. just blaze.) (IM KIDDING IM KIDDING)

race's jokes are funnier here just because max casella looks like he's having the time of his life saying them

"must be from brooklyn"

no way my guy just counted all those papers that quick

I love how jack just straight up mocks davey,., like bro that's not how you get a bf

PULITZER HAS A MAGNIFYING GLASS HE HAS A MAGNIFYING GLASS (at this point, pulitzer was nearly blind because of health issues. we love to see historically accurate choices)(or I do at least)

that is how headlines worked, actually. stealin from the competition, stealin again

GUESS WE BOTH GOT AN EDUCATION

yessssss 92sies les drink that beer

why does every fight scene look like it's from a cartoon

davey's such an asshole. I adore him.

medda I love you but literally every part of your casting and story in this movie is wrong and makes me mad

davey: -and our friend

jack: fucki- excuse you??? since when

sarah's so prettyyyyyyy and not interested in jack at all

this version of santa fe is like,.., sweeter. I'm pretty sure I've fallen asleep to it before

oop except for the dancing bit. forgot about that.

HELP WHY IS THERE A HORSE AIN'T NO WAY FRANCIS SULLIVAN KNOWS HOW TO RIDE A HORSE

Imao oscar imitating kid blink

are you outta your MIND- racetrack higgins, 1899

look at davey being the voice of reason and then immediately doing a 180 after making eye contact with his crush. proud of you bro

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

boot's lil solo is the best and so cute oh my god

dentondentondentondenton

you're just gonna let your little brother walk into the world with a guy you met a week ago????

jackie boyyyyyyyyyy

dominic lucero has my entire heart. he does everything with a grin and enthusiasm I,,, *brb sobbing into my pillow*

..they are throwing hundreds of dollars in papers away like it's confetti

NOO CRUTCHYYYY

iS tHaT dAvE hEyA dAvE

cartoon fight.2

gabriel damon is like a literal child and he is doing the absolute most

THE CEILING FAN TRICK YES BUMLETS (I take it back, dominic is still doing the most) 

every word out of crutchy's mouth makes me want to hit a brick wall (affectionate) 

bro sarah's gay and thinks you're an idiot

ON THE GROUNDS OF BROOKLYN YOUR HONOR (-my favorite part of the entire movie)

I love that gabriel and max seem to be actually friends, despite their age difference. that was definitely the reason people started seeing sprace.

denton seemed to care about davey, at least a little bit, which is interesting to me, because he seems to only care about the other newsies a little bit. I feel like it’s a sees himself in him deal.

don't hide under carriages kids

they would not let him use a very expensive printing press as a bed. I refuse. I’m in denial about it. 

RALLY RALLY RALLY

spot conlon is an icon

do I have problems with medda? yes. do I think the swing is kind of cool? also yes. 

jack, you’re an idiot 

NO DAVEY LOOKS SO HURT STOP IT

the jokes weren’t funny I took the money my friends from home don’t know what to say

there’s no bill and darcyyyyyyyy. sad times. 

this version of once and for all is too slow and boring. sorry not sorry.

90s CGIIIIII FOR THE WIN

I feel like this version of the strike has gone on for like three minutes, not two weeks, but that’s fine

pulitzer and jack are both approximately two years old shouting SHUT UP at each other

look at all those kids (is this reality? meh. hundreds to thousands of kids did show, but that seems like overkill)

the goveaNAH

why are all of the jacobs crying??? they’ve known this guy for a month at most???

oooo carrying the banner’s backkkk (again, these lyrics are better, you shall bury me on this hill)

bro he came back and the first thing out of his mouth was davey come over here. gay.

oh hi denton

YES SPOT BE THE KING THAT YOU ARE RIDE THAT CARRIAGE

and then they got a happy ending. so cute. 

okay, okay, so. cinematically? the movie needs some help. it wasn’t very planned out, and it’s clearly a disney movie at some points. 6.5/10

historically? they did better than I remembered. certainly better than the stage production. my biggest issues lie with medda and probably jack himself. 7.5/10

musically? I like their carrying the banner, king of new york, and santa fe a lot. but most of these kids weren’t professionals, which does give the stage production a better quality. still, they worked with what they had. 7/10

overall? I adore this movie. I really do. I’m going to be honest, though, and say 7.5/10

okay I’m done now because it’s midnight. I’ll post this tomorrow. byeeeeee

[smaeemo]

How my life has changed since becoming an atheist:

A paper by Leenya Green

Started Praying to Jared Polis instead of the allmighty

Bought 16 golden calves

Became vegan 😜😜😜😜😜

Wrote 18 books on the importance of menstruation in dogs 😘😝

Became a fig farmer 😊😊😊

Resorted back to my old ways

Became a devout christan

Got into a relationship with a man named “Dale”. We met at the greeley flea market when we were both fighting over the biblically accurate but super racist 9/11 never forget jesus charm with real blood. And he looked at me in a way I had never seen before, and if it weren’t for my passion for Christ I may have let him have the charm. But of course, Christ comes first. Eventually we came to an agreement, I get the Charm every other month. I asked him for his phone number, but instead he gave me his address and told me he only communicated via carrier pigeon. I fell in love right there and then, but it was still too early to make any big decisions. So I went home that night with my no, our Jesus and looked to the ceiling and Prayed to the lord. I asked the Lord if he was truly the one, and the Lord told me… nothing. So I then went on to my regular prayer, I talked to God about my Yeast infection and prayed that maybe he could make sure that Bitch Colleen in HR would stop making me take down my Jesus photos because of “Inappropriate amounts of Nudity”. ITS JESUS COLLEEN. After I finished praying, I dreampt of Dale, and his moist pony tail and flaky birkenstocks. When the next month rolled around, I didn’t know exaclty where to find a carrier pigeon, and according to my “Christian Women of reformed Jared Polis” Facebook group it was very uncommon for there to be a large amount around my neighborhood. Something about “bird glue,” so I went to downtown and looked around to see if there were any pigeons I could ask, and realized I definitely should have done this before the end of the month. So, I just went to the library and printed out a bunch of help wanted fliers with my address on them. Eventually a couple men came to my door asking for me, but in a house with 8 roomates it was easy to scare off those weirdos. And by the time the 7th man left dejected and sad, I thought all hope was lost. So, I was about to start walking to Dale’s address myself, which would be around a 3 day walk because he’s canadian. But something in my fate had been on my side, my horascope was right. At the very moment I was reading my favorite passage of the bible, at pigeon flew right into the window. Unfortunately the pigeon died, and I had to have a funeral for it in my backyard. The next day I went back downtown and put up fliers and invitations for the pigeon’s funeral. The service was beautiful, and the Pigeons all showed up. I cried, the euglogies were genuisly emotional and had me sobbing and dry heaving by the end. At the after party I met the dead Pigeon’s uncle Marty and learned Marty is a carrier pigeon. I offered to pay him extra, but he said that the Pigeon who died (Horace) was like a son to him, and it meant so much to him that I organized a funeral for him and put up window awareness about bird safety, that Marty said he would do it for free. I was so extactic, so I got to writing the letter to dale, where I told him all about the bird funeral and how kind Marty was. And then talked about my homoerotic fanfiction I write about twilight, then sealed with a kiss. Then that night I prayed again hoping Marty got there ok, and talked to God again about my now RAGING yeast infection. A month later I got a pigeon in the mail from Dale saying that he got my letter and that he also met his carrier pigeon at a pigeon funeral! Small world. And that he and the Jesus charm went all the way to Vancouver for Orgy-Fest! This eventually blossomed into a regualar thing, and around the 3rd exchange he revealed to me that he ALSO wrote homoerotic fanfiction about Twilight. And our first argument was over how he was a EDWARD GUY!!!! Ew!! But we got over it. By the time the flea market was rolling around, I finally got the coursge to ask him on a date, and he was just as excited. We went

to a soy bean church retreat together and had an amazing time finding Christ in the disintegrating soy bean farms of Carson City Nevada. I couldn’t think of anything more romantic. This year he even invited me to Orgy-fest with him! And that’s where I met his whole family, and where I really got to know him. 2 years later we moved into a nudist colonly in Augusta, Maine. It was lovely, we all piled together in the winter in what we like to call “Cuddle Pit”. I was perfect, all up until Dale said we had to leave because “The power of Christ had informed him of an oncoming presensce”. We moved then, to the beautiful city of Boise Idaho. Where we consumated our marriage through the government and through the beautiful act of love-making to his Christian blue grass collegant accapella group “My dad is God” and all of their Marvin Gaye covers. We learned that I was unfortunately infertile, and that was devastating. Eventually we got over it when Marty came to us and told us we needed to adopt his godson Matthew. We were extremely grateful, and adopted him. We raised him as our own, and he even got to visit his first orgyfest with us. One day I got the sense that Dale was hiding something from me. And immediately my mind jumped to yhe worst assumption, that he was actually a Rabbi. Which was closer to the truth than I wanted it to be. It was a cold winter’s night, when I heard our dog door open, dale forgot his keys again. When we sat down and had a conversation Dale finally told the truth. “I am Jesus Christ” he told me. I didn’t believe him at first, but then he flooded our house to show me that he could truly walk on water. It was great until he accidentally drenched our new white carpets in wine. I felt ethereal hearing this news. And now, 12 years later. Dale is leaving me. He sat me down at the same table and admitted he met someone new. Something about a “Adam Driver.” He said he wanted to “experience newthings” at the BYU, and he was leaving me. I was devastated when he filed for divorce, so I ended up in a depressive spiral where I got severely addicted to helium. And now after 2 years of rehab and NO MORE BALLOONS. I am finally able to re enter the real world. I am going to change myself. And pursue my dream job: assistant manager at a tinfoil company. Merry Chr***mas everyone. And to all a good night.

Best,

L.G.