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mikajunie · 3 months

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how to deal with failure when all you know how to do is beat up yourself (as an adhder)

please read this if you are a chronic self-loather like myself.

i used to hate myself for everything i did; the way i talk and walk, my accomplishments, my daily activities, how i cannot keep up with my peers, all that jazz. and especially as a late-diagnosed adhder this gets worse overtime. i ended up getting into a 6-month burnout, failed 3 classes and have to extend one semester, and i had lost my identity as a person.

overall i was just a breathing, walking flesh with depressive thoughts every day.

but after many many months of rediscovering myself, i have come up with the conclusion that life gets easier when i don't fucking hate myself.

shocker, right? ik this is probably like a 'obviously' type of thing, but i think many ppl with adhd can confirm that this is one of the hardest pills to swallow.

but trust me, you don't need to feel bad!!! and i will tell you how to do it down below. pls read, i hope it helps.

(keep in mind im not a psychiatrist or a therapist btw i just wanna help fellow ppl with adhd)

reminder #1: adhd makes you more prone to making mistakes - beating yourself up for every failure is torture.

as people with adhd, we are more prone to making more mistakes and questionable decisions. we are just built that way. we can work on it, but that's our baseline.

self loathing encourages you to beat up your baseline. your default state. your non-productive mode.

beating yourself up for making a mistake is literally like beating up a cat for sleeping. humans are bound to make mistakes, and us with adhd are bound to make more. it's fine, let yourself breathe. im not saying we cannot do anything right or that our mistakes are permissible, but missing an alarm clock or forgetting things we want to say are not surprising. it's just embedded inside us, so either be miserable for the rest of your life or work on reframing your thoughts on failure in general.

reminder #2: you can learn how to be better even if you don't beat yourself up for it

these neurotypical adults who tell you that you should feel bad about failing are stupid. and whoever tell you that negative reinforcement is needed for you to get better are the dumbest motherfuckers ever.

you don't need to feel bad to ge better.

in fact, once you don't feel too bad about it, you can focus more on how to do better in the future instead of replaying the past over and over again.

literally after almost failing college, i only realized that i should not be hard on myself. literally. i remember deciding i should try being nice on myself and now boom! i feel better AND i actually have been working towards fixing my life more and more.

and you know whats the best part?? i can finally start enjoying my life again!!

reminder #3: not everything you do is a failure. seriously.

this is a thought pattern i keep seeing in every person with adhd.

"nothing i can do is right" WRONG!!!! you do some things wrong but you also do some things right!!!! quit discrediting yourself

now try acknowledging your failures:

cry about it first. let yourself sit in and feel your feelings first. you can continue after you finish crying about it

do some form of meditation that helps you clear out your mind. i suggest just 5 minutes or until you don't feel as heavy anymore

let yourself know that failing is an action and consequence, not a part of your identity. it is not you: you are someone who succeeds and fails sometimes. you can fail, but that does not mean everything you do will be a failure.

identify what kind of failure you're thinking about , why you feel so shitty about it, and what you should do for next time. it'd be good if you could write this down. here is an example from me:

failure: failing out of class

what happened: i failed bc i kept procrastinating and ended up sleeping in, so i could not submit on time

consequences of event: i had to retake the class, paid a significant amount of money, and now i cant graduate on time with my friends

why i feel shitty: i feel so left behind and stupid. i feel like this is such a stupid mistake that was easily avoidable.

and now i have so many thoughts in my mind right now, like "how can i be so stupid? how can i be so careless? this is such a stupid mistake."

now notice. if you also think like this, you are actively judging yourself. you are being so mean to yourself, and for what? would you ever told your friends they are so stupid and dumb for making careless mistakes? even if it's stupid, you wouldn't say it to their faces.

after identifying everything, confirm what actually happened, reframe your thoughts, and apologize to yourself:

"How can I be so careless?" -> It's not intentional, and I did try my best to work on it. It's not my fault my executive dysfunction took over the better part of me.

"How can I be so stupid?" -> Just because I cannot initiate tasks as well as the others, it doesn't mean i'm stupid. i am pretty good at other things, i cannot expect myself to be good at everything.

"This is such a stupid mistake." -> It is stupid, and that's... okay. It's fine. I accept it, I'll work on how to make it better in the future.

when you combat negative thoughts, make sure you combat them not only with facts but also with empathy and future action-focused thoughts.

the key is to focus on what you can do now, not what you should have done.

because focusing on the past is very very unhelpful.

now please focus on what you can do now:

Make small goals for the future.

What you should not say:

"I promise I will try harder to focus" -> Nope, you are relying on your ADHD symptom to not be ADHD anymore... which is impossible.

"I promise I won't forget next time" -> Same thing.

"I promise I will make a routine that I will stick to" -> This is too idealist, don't commit to anything for a long run, it's just setting yourself up for more failure.

What you should say instead:

"Next time, I will try to write it down so I won't forget next time" -> Tell yourself the clear steps on what you need to do. You cannot rely on your brain to just be better, come up with actions that can support you!

"Next time, I will set more alarms and ask a friend to remind me. In fact, I will do it now" -> Commit to things you can do immediately! The faster, the better so you won't lose this momentum. Stop thinking that your future self is 100% reliable. Always assume you need to do it as soon as possible to help yourself in the future.

"Next time, I will try out this routine and see if it works or not" -> Experiment with routines. Routines don't last long, so don't give youreelf empty promises. Instead, accept that your routine will chance every once in a while so you need to learn what works or not.

Apologize and forgive yourself

Say sorry to yourself.

It's normal to make mistakes, and it's unrealistic to think you won't make more.

Move on

Seriously. Don't sit on it too much.

Once you know what you need to do to not fail in the future and you have written it down... just let it go.

You don't need to feel bad to grow. You don't need to feel bad to be better.

You are allowed to feel good about yourself.

In fact, you should feel better about yourself now because you are showing your commitment to getting better by reading this long ass post.

Pat yourself in the back.

Failure has its consequences already, you don't need to punish yourself more. Please get something nice.

Failing is EXHAUSTING. Please give yourself a snack or some gaming time.

Allow yourself to breathe.

We are humans, we are not failures. We succeed and fail sometimes, not all the time.

Be nice to yourself, you have been through a lot.

#adhd #adhd things #adhd problems #adhd brain #actually adhd #actually neurodivergent #neurodivergent #adhd tips #neurodiversity #advice #mental health #mental illness #self loathing

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avelera · 1 year

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Headcanon: ADHD Hob and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

So I went down the rabbithole on ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria (and found this lecture that legit made me tear up if you have or think you have ADHD, go listen to it here) and it got me thinking, as everything is wont to do, about Hob Gadling and how if he had ADHD, which I think there's lots of fun in-text hints at that at least allow that interpretation, what are some other ways that could manifest besides his ebullient and never-ending love of life in all its endless variety?

So as sufferers of ADHD know, it's not all fun and games. The flip side of living with a dopamine-starved brain that's always seeking out new experiences and seeing the world through that lens is that other emotions slam us hard too, like rejection sensitivity dysphoria aka, "the most minor criticism can feel like an actual knife in the chest, no I don't mean mildly bummed out, I mean full on fight-or-flight brain meltdown because someone told you a comma is in the wrong place in your manuscript (not that I'm speaking from personal experience yes it's that dumb)".

ANYWAY, so I'm thinking about Hob and RSD and specifically 1789.

Specifically the line, "It's just how it's done," referring to horrific practice of human trafficking and how Hob basically shrugs while, to his minor credit, looking suddenly uncomfortable and guilty, about the fact he actively profits from this industry, and the way he cringes in on himself when called out kinda seems to indicate that he knows it's a vile practice and isn't super comfortable with being reminded of his fact by someone he respects, like Dream.

A couple notes on that little exchange between Hob and Dream:

1 ) The face Ferdinand Kingsley-as-Hob makes in that moment is absolute textbook adult ADHD rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Namely, the point where you know criticism hits you like a knife in the heart, particularly from people you respect, and you just have to cover that flinch of literal physical pain with a careful poker face.

The way Hob's tone suddenly goes cold and with his very genteel, received-pronunciation manners he levels Dream with perhaps the closest he's ever come at this point to lashing out, "You're giving me advice...?"

I'm not saying that canonically it's RSD, or that neurotypical people don't suffer pain and disappointment when receiving disapproval, but to my eyes at least, Ferdie Hob takes Dream's comment very seriously, much more so than the comic counterpart did (who needed multiple nudges before he even realized what Dream was trying to tell him about getting out of the shipping business and still seemed a bit clueless about why Dream would want that or care by the end).

2 ) Going into proper headcanon territory, I personally chart Hob's journey from destitute to wealthy slave trader as the product of someone who stopped giving a shit about others after everything he suffered in the 1600s. To be perfectly clear, this is not a fucking excuse for it, it's an examination of motives.

Because technically, after everything Hob suffered in the 1600s, he could have emerged with more empathy for the plight of others. But clearly that didn't happen. From an entirely human motivation level, that leads me personally to the conclusion that since no one helped Hob when he was at his lowest (not even Dream, though I dearly wish it was otherwise and wrote extensively on what would have happened if he had) that led him to the belief, put simply, that fuck the world so long as he got his. Why should he care about anyone else if no one cared about him?

But to go back to the topic of this essay, RSD, there's an additional element to that theory on why and how Hob leaned into not giving a shit about others, and that missing factor from what's described above is the element of everyone is doing it. Specifically worded as, "It's just how it's done."

Another really fascinating lecture I listened to on ADHD talked about how the most common trauma reaction ADHDers have to their sense of rejection, shame, and guilt that comes the way our brains react to the world is by hiding. And that also got me thinking about 1789 Hob in this context.

Because Hob as we see him in 1589 is loud in his happiness. He's sitting there, bold as brass in the middle of the White Horse, showing off his wealth with a banquet, loudly declaiming about how he pretended to be his own son twice, worked in the Tudor shipyards (what would have been 50+ years before) and just how he spent the last 100 years working his way up to his knighthood. The man does not have an ounce of caution in him. But, he is also by far the happiest we ever see Hob (up until Dream ditches him in the middle of their date).

This is important because to my eyes, Hob is living openly and unashamed and with only the barest hint of caution typified by pretending to be his own son every couple decades. The way he describes his last 100 years sounds like an ADHD dream, basically getting a boat load of money from Caxton's printing press (basically the first tech startup unicorn of the modern era) and then running around wherever his interests took him where he also made money hand over fist, kept climbing, and eventually reached the point where he could purchase the acclaim and regard of a member of the (albeit minor) nobility. All of this after being born a peasant. That's just validation and money and prestige and getting to pursue your special interest and live as your authentic self all over the place. And I do mean authentic, Hob doesn't even seem particularly worried about talking openly in the White Horse about being 200+ years old, a strong case could be made that he's not that careful in his personal life either.

So anyway, Hob has this amazing century literally followed by the worst century imaginable, filled with the sort of horrors that can tear a man's soul asunder. Losing his family, his beloved wife in childbirth with their new baby, his adult son, his home, his money, everything he spent a century building. His title and name are gone too because of the nature of how he lost it with the accusation of witch craft, which also means he can't just fake being his own son again to get it all back because they're explicitly going to notice that this time.

And how did this all happen? Because Hob got noticed. He lived there 40 years, overconfident is his own words. Which is a wild thing to say about a bunch of witch hunters showing up at his door! He blames himself for being drowned as a witch. On the one hand, I imagine he has to think that way because otherwise he has to admit to the sheer brutal randomness of life, so in a way he's trying to take control of the narrative by blaming himself.

But it also smacks of ADHD again because ADHDers very commonly shift the blame onto themselves after years of their unique nervous system response making them a round peg in a square hole of wider society. We learn over and over that the mistakes we make are our fault, because of "laziness" or "apathy" which isn't apathy at all but deep agony over our inability to accomplish tasks in a neurotypical way without the support we need, but I digress. But it sure sounds like Hob may have been paralyzed by grief for literal decades and then blamed himself for not getting the mental spoons together in that context to move on and reinvent his life after losing his wife and child. Which would be a very ADHD thing to do.

So after this absolutely brutal smackdown by reality for living too openly, too loud, too ADHD, getting paralyzed by the powerful emotions he felt (if we follow the headcanon) over the grief and loss in his life, what is Hob's next step?

Hiding.

Blending in.

Not rocking the boat.

And again, not excusing it, there's plenty of other industries he could have gone into to blend in that didn't involve human trafficking. That said, if he went to sea, which we know Hob did on many occasions from the comic, it would be seen by his peers there at sea as a normal way to make one's fortune, and then.... well, we have as evidence that this is his current peer-group the sort-of pride with which Hob announces how he's making his fortune these days in the "shipping business", as if he's expecting Dream's approval.

That to me, reads a bit like the people pleaser/social chameleon aspect of ADHD. Hob is expecting to be praised for being successful by Dream the way he would likely be praised by his peers in the shipping business or among the wealthy privileged men of England. He's so steeped in that world now that he's clearly taken aback when Dream takes the (at the time more radical but not uncommon) stance of, "This is wrong."

And Hob knew it. But he was blending in. He was going along with how things are done. He wasn't rocking the boat. He has other hints at trauma responses too, "salting money around the world" in case there's political upheaval, for example. This is not the loud, boisterous Sir Robert Gadlen untouched by loss or trauma. He has been humbled and tempered and, indeed, made afraid by what happened to him.

This sort of wild swing towards protectiveness? Again, also ADHD. As the lecturer I linked first noted, ADHDers are textbook defenders. They are always defending themselves from the world that can suddenly, unexpectedly, plant a knife in their heart because of a perceived rejection. From a world that wants their brain to work in a way it doesn't, so they have to come up with myriad painful coping mechanisms to fit in, blend in, mask, and function. Hob was forced to protect himself after the 1600s, so he did, with money, and with not caring about other people, and with insulating himself from privilege, and becoming a social chameleon.

1589 Hob tries to earn back Dream's interest, but he doesn't fawn. Dream shows interest in Shaxberd and Hob, already starting to get irritated, tells him no, Shaxberd is crap.

And you can tell in 1789 that Hob is thinking about that day again when he gets Dream's disapproval, because who does he reference? That lad, Will Shaxberd. He's fearing rejection and abandonment again, or at least it's crossed his mind after Dream's admonishment. But this time, Hob is fawning more, very nearly flirting. He's trying to play the game better this time, trying to keep Dream's interest, social chameleoning the subject onto safer topics, things he thinks will interest Dream, as Shaxberd so clearly did, so let's talk about him if that's what you care about. Again, another ADHD social chameleon, people pleaser aspect. We are nervous empaths, we are constantly picking up a bazillion signals both real and imagined. And we're so fucking terrified of that RSD knife in the heart, we become people pleasers to avoid it. After the shipping business brag fell through, Hob pivots to talking about Dream and what, in his experience, Dream seems to like and talk about favorably.

So anyway, many many ADHD-esque rambling words later, there's a few more little details I'd add to the list of "possible ADHD behavior, not just the fun parts" for Hob Gadling. Is it canon? Maybe not. But it does make for a great headcanon, in my opinion.

#hob gadling #the sandman #sandman meta #adhd #omg this got so long lol that's perfect fits the subject huh

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herpartnerintime · 25 days

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Max's IEP - Inattentive ADHD and Social anxiety

I wanted to talk about Max's IEP, the possibility of inattentive ADHD and Max's social anxiety. In the files in Principal Wells office we discover Max's student file and discover she has an IEP (Individualized Education Program) given to students who may need extra help and support in school.

We learn here that Max is considered a quiet attentive student. We learn her GPA fluctuates and she has acknowledged she should be doing better. Her teachers back up her quiet intelligence but she gets some complaints about being to nervous or nosey. Some would like her to speak up in class and be more assertive, others want her to be less so. I've been thinking a lot about this and what Max may have struggled with to get her an IEP. I've seen many fans discuss this and had many discussions myself. Some fans may think she has a learning disability that has her needing extra help. Some have thought autism. Some have considered ADHD - the inattentive type. I've been thinking a lot about this myself after beginning to realize I may have the inattentive type of ADHD, though I am not yet officially diagnosed, learning about this has also made me notice some similarities in Max's behavior.

Inattentive ADHD is very common in girls but underdiagnosed. I started noticing Max has signs of it. Her student file describes her as attentive, but people with inattentive adhd can seem attentive even if there mind is elsewhere. Inattentive ADHD is 'a subtype of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder that often manifests as limited attention span, distractibility, forgetfulness, or procrastination.' "Sidetracked by external or unimportant stimuli: No matter how much you want to tune into a task, it’s common to get sidetracked by a thought, topic, or event that suddenly demands your internal attention. For instance, you might be attending a show by your favorite comedian and find yourself zoning out for 5 minutes to think about what pandas eat."

"Inattentive adults are dreamers, doodling on their notes during a big meeting or studying a fly on the wall while their spouses are asking about bills. Often nicknamed “space cadets” or written off as flaky, many people misinterpret their lack of focus as lack of interest — and can get frustrated by their inability to pay attention, especially when it’s important that they do so."

We see this happening the very first episode. Though granted, Max is in a bit of shock from her storm dream. But as Jefferson talks Max can get distracted looking at her bag, at her journal, her pencil case, she can look at everything on her desk and lose herself in thought. She even ends up taking a selfie as Jefferson is talking!

"I haven't kept up with my journal as much as I should." "Look at this crap! How can I show this to Mr. Jefferson? I can hear the class laughing at me now." "I can't believe I still have this pencil case. I should upgrade to the 21st century. But I like it old school." "My little camera bag is battered, but still kicking." "I do love my analog camera. I should take a quick picture now." After selfie she can look at camera as Jefferson is talking: "Sorry, Max. No more selfies right now." In Jefferson's class in episode 1 we can see Max also has a bunch of doodles along with her notes, suggesting she can lose focus.

In Jefferson's class, we see in episode 2 Max has paper out on her desk, which you can choose to doodle on, becoming unfocused on what he is saying.

When Chloe texts Max, Max takes out her phone to look, getting called out by Jefferson to put her phone away.

Given everything going on in Max's life from her storm dream to her super powers it makes sense Max would be extra distracted in class, but Jefferson makes comments that also suggest this is a pattern with Max.

Jefferson says to Max in the Dark Room Stupid bitch! You just don't listen, do you? (threateningly) In fact, you never did hear much in my class; if you had, you might have seen all this coming.

When Max returns to the dark room in episode 5 after having escaped and she doesn't hear Jefferson, he says

Jefferson: Jesus. It's like you're back in my class. You're still...spacing...out. It might be cool if you took one of your patented selfies now... This suggests Max's struggle to focus in class wasn't just because of everything happening with her powers and Chloe.

When Jefferson asks her his question in class her responses are Max: I did know! ...But I kinda forgot.

Max: You're asking me? Let me think... Um... This fits how those with inattentive ADHD can be very forgetful. Homework is kicking my ass. I bet the teachers grade harder just to stop you from feeling special. I have an assload of homework already. So much bullshit. At least give us noobs a day to acclimate. Like a dork I couldn't figure out what to wear, so I chose what was on the floor. I'm no good with names and faces right away, but I picked up some names like KateBrookeTaylorAlyssa... Max seems pretty overwhelmed by her school life too. She can also be disorganized, writing about choosing an outfit off the floor, likely because she got distracted and didn't put her clothes away. She has trouble remembering the names of her classmates. I relate to all of this!

Even Max's classmates have noticed... Juliet: Uh, why do you care? Why are you even asking me? You never talk, just zone out with your camera.

Max: That's why I'm talking to you now.

Juliet: What's my last name?

Max: Juliet...Juliet...Olson. (you have 4 options)

Juliet: That was truly sad. Thanks for your concern, "Max Caulfield". By the way, Juliet Watson.

We see that Max is known to be spacey, forgetful, distracted easily in class and often finds her mind drifting to other things, or getting distracted by her journal or other items around her. Max even displayed doodling behavior in childhood too. When she and Chloe were kids, this was left on Chloe's homework Great job as always Chloe. Now PLEASE try to pay attention in class instead of drawing pictures with Maxine. Max's thoughts: Chloe and I were doing a lot of drawing in Ms. Shelley's class.

We know from Max doodling in class she does this even without Chloe around as a distraction. When Max looks at Chloe's report card, Max thinks, "As usual, Chloe's grades are better than mine. I still kick her butt in PE, though." I wonder if perhaps for Max, who was the inattentive adhd type and could get restless, if PE was good for her focus since it involved getting up and moving around. Max having inattentive ADHD might explain why she struggled in school and wasn't able to go to a school like Blackwell Academy like Chloe for grade nine but was able to for grade twelve by getting the extra help needed in Seattle to be able to make the grades for Blackwell.

Max even procrastinates for her favourite subject!

The winner gets a trip to San Francisco and lots of publicity. He wants just one photograph from each student. This is exactly why I wanted to come to Blackwell and of course I'm scared shitless to enter. At least I have a couple weeks before the deadline in October. So I have plenty of time to stress and procrastinate. Sigh.

Max having inattentive ADHD along with social anxiety could even help understand further why she was ignoring Chloe. Max was in shock over William's death and she didn't know how to be there for her friend, with the inattentive ADHD also playing a role perhaps in Max forgetting to say, respond to Chloe's texts in Before the Storm or just remembering to text which created this cycle of guilt where she kept putting it off and forgetting as she let herself get distracted by other things and then would remember and be eaten alive by guilt and put it off. I know myself I can forget about texts sent to me so easily as my mind finds other things to focus on. It's especially easy to forget the world when you hyper focus on other things, and people with inattentive adhd can have intense hyper focus on things that interest them. "Hyperfocus, a common — but confusing — ADHD symptom, is the ability hyper fixate on an interesting project or activity for hours at a time. It is the opposite of distractibility, and it is common among both children and adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder." "But whatever holds the attention, the result is the same: Unless something or someone interrupts, hours drift by as important tasks, and relationships fall by the wayside." It is also interesting that Max's phone has no texts from her Seattle friends, and she only writes about them once, as her mind becomes consumed by Blackwell life. Once she reconnects with Chloe, she no longer struggles with communication and is even very fast answering her texts. She can take time to answer others though! Max seems to display a lot of behaviors of inattentive adhd but ultimately with the game only taking place October 7-11 and Farewell in a day it is hard to really know for sure. But she does display all of the signs in different ways throughout the game and other characters remarks suggest it is a pattern for her. Social Anxiety? Hannah Telle, who I highly enjoy hearing her thoughts on Max on, has shared some thought on Max's social anxiety and IEP.

Hannah Telle: I think that Max was in shock over William's death and the fact that she was leaving her life in Arcadia Bay to start all over at such a difficult age. I also think she was afraid to reach out because she wouldn't know the right thing to say and thought Chloe would be mad at her for leaving and not want to talk to her. I think both girls eventually assumed the other didn't want to talk to them and then they fell apart. Also, I'm sure Max was overwhelmed with being all alone in a big city when she suffers from social anxiety. Maybe she just withdrew even further and wasn't really talking to anyone. I can definitely relate to that.

Hannah Telle talking about Max: Her timidness, her introvertedness, her desire to NOT be so introverted and not be so timid but she doesn't even really know at the beginning of the game that she needs or wants that, she can't even imagine what life would be like on the other side of her own withdrawn boundaries and just sometimes I feel like Max might feel like she's got a glass wall between her and everyone else around her and like when she's with Chloe maybe she doesn't feel that wall, that glass wall so strongly and I really relate to that it's like some kind of psychological thing that I experience feeling like I'm separated from the other person I'm talking with unless it's like a very certain person

On Max's IEP

Hannah Telle: I was never made aware of any inside information about Max's Individualized Education Program but I do have some thoughts. I do think that Max is highly intelligent and overly self-aware. I find her extremely introverted nature at the start of the game to be a bit concerning. I think maybe Max struggles with some kind of issue where she is incapable of believing in herself or using her voice. I definitely can relate to that. I think her sudden onset of power interferes with this problem and ultimately solves it for her without the need for therapy or medication because it forces her to come out of her shell and speak up. When Chloe asks Max what she likes to do now that she's all grown Max, Max can say "Not much. You know me. I like to observe the world more than participate." After rewinding, Max can share this.

Max: I take photos. Of me, the world, everything. It may sound sad, but I have a blast. Chloe: It doesn't sound that sad. Max: I'm happiest when I've got a great image in my lens. I'm not lonely, not afraid... When Max is not taking photos she feels lonely and afraid. She has been without her best friend for five years and seems to have only made two friends (Fernando and Kristen and going from texts she hasn't kept in touch) Max even can say to Chloe of Seattle, "It was cool, but...I felt kinda lonely, out of my league." Max struggled in Seattle.

Max also tries to explain to Chloe why she didn't keep in touch.

Max: I wanted to. I was just so tripped out over leaving Arcadia... Chloe: Oh, please. I'm sure your phone and laptop were frozen in time. Max: You're merciless.

Max: Give me a break. I was going through changes...like you. Chloe: I guess those changes included dumping me from your life. Max: That's not true, Chloe. Chloe: Bullshit. You thought you'd hook up with all these art pricks in Seattle. Didn't happen, though. Max: You're merciless.

Max: I'm sorry. I know things were tough on you when I left. Chloe: How do you know? You weren't even here. Max: I didn't order my parents to move specifically to fuck you over, Chloe. Chloe: You've been at Blackwell for almost a month without letting me know. 'Nuff said.

Max: I just wanted to settle in first and not be such a shy cliché geek. I totally would have contacted you...

I think Max isn't good at handling confrontation. She doesn't know how to explain to Chloe why she wasn't there, not sure how to put to words why she couldn't reach out. She also struggles with the social anxiety of Chloe seeing she hasn't changed much (Shy cliche geek) and is also using that embarrassed feeling to avoid her. She also doesn't know how to explain why she didn't reach out after a month. Max's social anxiety and fears about Chloe being mad at her were making her put it off. She thinks this looking at a photo of them. "...Max and Chloe: Best Friends Forever. Who even says that anymore? I'm going to have to call Chloe eventually and find out what she'll say. The longer I wait, the worse it'll be. Idiot." Her inattentive ADHD likely didn't help, finding it all to easy to lose herself in distractions.

Max apologizes to Chloe, but she never gives her an explanation in the game because Max didn't know how to explain herself. Then there’s Chloe Price. What do you say to your best friend after five years of silence? After finding out you saved her life in a bathroom? NOTHING. I feel so lame for not staying in touch… or even text. I have no idea how to process seeing Chloe like this again. For one thing, she looks so similar but so different… She’s all grown up now, but it doesn’t seem like she’s only one year older than me. Max also admits I feel bad because I wonder if I was happy to move away just to avoid the grief…

In Farewell, Max even worries about how often she should write. "It might be actually really fun to write Chloe letters after I move. Is writing once a week to often? Will I run out of things to say?" She sounds very worried at that last part. Hearing Max think that might feel strange, with how close Chloe and her are and how easy it is for them to talk now, but Max's social anxiety was making her over think and worry about how much she should write or fear she wouldn't know what to say. Many with social anxiety struggle with communication long distance when they can't see the person. Max also shares this fear to Chloe. Max: I'm so worried that I won't be okay without you.

Chloe: Hey, stop that. Of course you'll be okay.

Chloe: We're Max and Chloe, remember? We're always together, even when we're not.

Max: That's true.

Chloe: Cool. Let's find something fun to do.

Given she ends up lonely in Seattle and also tells Chloe something that suggests when she's not taking photos she is lonely and afraid, I don't think she was okay without Chloe, just like she feared. She was missing her best friend but unable to fight her social anxiety to reach back out, even after she returned. She didn't make many friends because of her social anxiety, and her inattentive adhd kept her to distracted to face anything. Max also shows her social anxiety in how long she waits to tell Chloe about moving. By the time she finally works up the courage to tell her after being a ball of anxiety, she's moving in 3 days. Max: Chloe?

Chloe: Max?

Max: I want to tell you...something.

Chloe sits on the couch next to her.

Chloe: Okay.

Max: I'm, um... My family's moving to Seattle really soon. Hey.

Chloe: In three days, right?

Max: What? You knew that?

Chloe: Our parents do talk, you know?

Max: But, they said I should be the one to tell you—

Chloe: They still told my parents. I guess Mom and Dad were trying to keep quiet, too, but they're bad at hiding anything. Don't look so worried Max, it's okay. (lightly shoves Max's shoulder) Come on, dorkmeister. It's not the end of the world.

Max: I should've just told you earlier. God, I feel so stupid. (She covers her face with her hands in anxiety)

Chloe: Max, I said it was okay.

Max: I was trying to tell you this morning, but—

Chloe: But I totally distracted you with the pirate tape! Success!

Max: Seriously?

Chloe: I didn't want this hanging over us all day.

Chloe: Plus I know you hate this kind of conversation, so...I just left it alone, you know?

Chloe takes Max's hand and pulls her off the couch and holds her hand.

Chloe: Come on, I want to spend every minute we have together having fun.

Max hasn't just been having these thoughts only this day, she's been anxious about telling Chloe for along time.

Max: (thinking) I've spent so much of my life here, every little corner is familiar. Comforting.

Max starts bouncing the ball against the drawing board.

Max: (thinking) These games we're playing...buried pirate treasure from our past selves.

Max: (thinking) Is this why I keep pushing off telling Chloe I'm leaving? Because I don't want to ruin this time together?

Max: (thinking) Is this all selfish of me? Why is this making me feel more guilty about leaving? (doesn't try to tell chloe) Max: (thinking) I guess now's my chance to tell Chloe I'm leaving. We might not be alone again once her parents get back.

Chloe: Hey, ready for something else? I've got a great plan for the rest of the afternoon.

Max: (thinking) Crap. I don't want to ruin the rest of the day.

Chloe: You're staying for dinner, right?

Max: (thinking) Would Chloe even want me to tell her?

"It's so hard to believe. This room, this house, this town... all in the past now. Or soon to be. Who even am I without Chloe? She's the one who's always starting things, pulling us into adventures. I can't imagine life without her. Maybe I haven't told her I'm leaving yet because I still can't believe it's real myself." "Chloe Price. My best friend. It's so weird being back in this attic after so long. I remember being terrified of this place. I think when you're a kid, you're only afraid of things that can hurt you. But when you get older, you become more afraid of hurting the people you care about. And spiders. Man, I'm gonna miss her."

#max caulfield #life is strange

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sporesgalaxy · 1 year

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hi, Trigun Maximum spoilers incoming but i just realized something 😊 <- threat

So....[twirls my hair] about that ship malfunction...

1. Knives hears Rem say the ship's malfunction is a Piloting Error

2. Next we see Knives, the error has just increased to level 3. Knives now has a small tablet that he's looking at very nervously.

3. After communicating to Rem and Vash on a screen besides the tablet he's holding, Knives turns his attention to the tablet again as he thinks about the possibility of the ships colliding

4. The human crew wakes up, everyone reports to.their stations, Rem seems to command the ship to do everything it should do...but then there is a moment of quiet tension as everyone waits for the thrusters to turn on. When the thrusters DO turn on, we see Knives sighing in relief, holding the tablet.

I had THOUGHT the response lag they were talking about here was the issue that had CAUSED the emergency...but it's that delay at the very end!

Knives didn't carelessly CAUSE the crisis, he just accidentally interrupted everyone fixing it!

He was so nervous about the situation that he did something he probably knew he wasn't supposed to do, judging by Rem's reaction. But he did it with the intention of being helpful.

I point all this out because it makes his Big Act Of Rebellion later screwing with the flight controls on purpose make even more sense to me.

Ok tiny anecdote time for proof :) I made a lot of mistakes as a kid with undiagnosed ADHD going through traumatic life-changes. Sometimes, even if I said I was sorry or had been trying to do something helpful, I'd be treated like I had acted out of malice. It made me feel powerless and uncared about. Like nothing I did would be enough for some people to like or understand me.

Like no amount of effort was enough to overcome the differences between me and adults, all because of how they saw me.

One of the earliest bad coping mechanisms I remember developing was repeating actions that I had previously gotten in trouble for-- which had originally been genuine mistakes-- and then trying to use lies and manipulation to avoid the consequences, to feel a sense of control over my situation.

Because the only alternative I saw was being constantly afraid and powerless.

OF COURSE *I* ended up choosing to just hang out feeling afraid and powerless more often than not in the end, and also never did anything that killed anyone.

Knives, sadly, had the ability to do much worse than I did, and felt justified in doing so bc he felt his and his brother's lives were in peril.

Anyways. Spilling my guts a bit is a small price to pay for trying to make sure you guys to understand that Knives is an EXTREMELY well written character. Thanks for coming to my TED talk :)

#my trigun #trigun #adddna #long post #knives my friend knives

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masezace · 1 year

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little off topic for my blog, but i started watching a new show since a friend mentioned it was good and i'd heard positive things about it, so i just wanted to talk about it a little bit (probably never again after this since this isn't a fandom blog, but it's the only one i have rn so idc it's going here)

the show is Jurassic World Camp Cretaceous, and just going on looks alone, despite my love for dinosaurs and the Jurassic Park franchise i never would have considered it. it appears to be very much for kids, and as i'm in my late twenties now i'm not particularly interested in especially kiddy media. however a friend my age enjoyed it and mentioned it has a canon lgbtq+ couple in it among the main characters, so of course i just had to watch it. i had already been hearing that despite its initial appearance and premise, it was surprisingly good for a kids' show, so i had already been curious, but i was even more keen after knowing there were queer characters, and not even the adults, the kids themselves (in a kid's show?!! what a time to be alive), so i finally sat down and watched it.

[spoiler warning, both minor and major, for the rest of this post btw, so continue reading at your own risk if you haven't seen it yet/are still watching]

the show overall

okay so firstly, i am coming at all of this from the perspective of a writer, so my observations are from a technical standpoint more so than just as a fan of the show. and honestly, it really is a well-written show as a whole. is it geared towards kids? definitely. there are plenty of jokes/gags in it that just don't appeal to me as an adult, but beyond that, there was plenty to appreciate as an adult.

the writing is actually phenomenal? there were several points in the series where i just sat back and mulled over the way a scene went, what the thought process behind writing it was like, how well it was executed, and how important it was to the characters and overall plot.

the suspense is spot on, nothing gets dragged out too long, and i will admit there have been a few scenes throughout that actually got me; i jumped! it's actually scarier than i expected a kid show to be, but i'm so glad they went where they did because it really elevated the experience.

the pacing overall is very good, adequately engaging for kids' short attention spans (and us adhd adults 🥲) but not too short either to a point where things felt abrupt or unfinished. plot arcs are well developed and tied up nicely. also, as a bit of a dinosaur nerd, the array of dinosaurs in the show is super broad and satisfying! very fun stuff.

character element

imo the real gem of this show is the character development. honestly it's just *chefs kiss*

the characters grow and change so much and so realistically over the course of the show, it's honestly so much better and more satisfying than the character growth in most adult fiction/media recently.

the growth in ben (who btw was def my favorite character by the end of s1) and kenji in particular were my favorites and, in my personal opinion, the most interesting. the way ben started out anxious, cowardly, and rule abiding to a fault, then grew into a brave, confident, adventurous little pyromaniac gremlin, then had that stint later in the series where he regressed a bit-questioning himself-until eventually ultimately striking a great balance and really coming into himself was just... peak character writing.

kenji started out overconfident, lazy, and overly concerned with money/status. but that arrogant overconfidence and laziness slowly turned into responsibility, and a desire to protect his found family, and the realization that it's the people in your life that really matter most.

honestly what i mentioned only scratches the surface in terms of those two characters, there's certainly more that can be said about them (as well as all the others) but i'm not really in the mood for a deep dive character analysis atm. just trust me tho when i say these characters are so well done and each one of them have arcs that are super satisfying to watch play out.

queer representation

and as for the queer couple? yasmina and sammy are PERFECT. it was so beautiful watching their relationship grow from one-sided to mutual friendship, to loyal devotion, then to love. they were set up incredibly well and incredibly naturally. i have like, no complaints when it comes to them. i don't even know if there's anything i can say that would add to things, they were just a really awesome couple to watch become canon, they're the beautiful and painfully needed representation we all beg for in tv and movies.

shipping, chemistry, and intent

but oh goodness... probably my only real complaint about the entire show would be how benji (ben x kenji) and kenji x brooklyn (kenlyn? brookji? idk and idrc) were handled. because for all that this show did SO much beautifully right, they really screwed the pooch here, sadly.

i'm gonna start by saying that the writing in this show, as with most, is deliberate. what i mean by this is that despite having no clue who it would be because my friend thankfully did not even spoil me as far as the genders of the queer couple, i clocked yas and sammy as the would-be queer couple as early as season one (actually it was between them and benji, but more on that later). i could already see the chemistry, because it was deliberately written in.

shipping is subjective. anyone can ship any character, and in most cases it's pretty easy to see how there could be (romantic) chemistry between fan pairings based on their personalities, their arcs, etc. and that's okay! ships don't even have to have any canon support to be valid, because shipping is for the fandom, and it's for fun (i have a few rarepairs and crack ships across different media that i just love).

but onscreen/written romantic chemistry is a lot less subjective (to clarify, it is subjective whether or not the chemistry is good, but it's not subjective about whether or not it exists). there are literally scenes written with the sole purpose of building the romantic tension and/or chemistry between planned couples (some of which even have absolutely zero plot relevance, which usually is not advised tbh, and most of which are the cliches/tropes you see in literally any romance ever written, some are just disguised a little better than others. but make no mistake, it's all the same set of cliches. there is nothing new under the sun), as well as intentional, key moments within scenes that have other purposes. they are essential to establish romantic pairings.

and typically, the foundations for these couples are laid VERY early on. always within the first or second season (well, at least they are when the writer actually knows what they're doing and has at least a rough plan/outline for the entire series & characters. this is usually a large part of what separates the good chemistry from the poor chemistry. an author who knows who the couples are going to be and has a plan from the beginning to build them up is going to be more successful in creating a believable relationship with good chemistry. one who does not plan, or makes last minute plans will almost certainly fail, and the couple is just going to suck). when the set of characters you're working with are going to stay the same for most or all of the story, you start immediately.

i don't mean to toot my own horn, because i think it's because i'm a writer so i just pick up on narrative patterns very easily, and pretty much always clock the planned couples within the first few episodes of any series, and by the end i am right like 9 times out of 10.

that being said, do you know whose deliberately written chemistry i also clocked in jwcc? ben and kenji's.

kenji and... brooklyn?

no offense to people who like/enjoy kenji and brooklyn, you are free to love them, but the way their romance was written is... quite possibly the weakest point of the show. it felt like they were just trying to appease the upsetto heteros in charge, because there was definitely another het pairing that had a lot more potential than kenji and brooklyn (hello darius x brooklyn aka darilyn, you would have actually made sense because your relationship had amazing buildup and multiple standout scenes from s1 on. dgmw, i love that we got a m/f strong, supportive, purely platonic friendship out of them, i live for those and we really need more of them. but we could have had that with kenji and brooklyn, or darius and sammy, or ben and yas, literally any other pair instead).

kenji and brooklyn as a couple came out of absolutely nowhere. i honestly think they decided to shove them together last minute, and had no actual plan for them until they were working on s4. because their development barely started at the VERY end of s3 (the abruptness of him caring about her being held hostage so much more than literally anyone else in their group despite them having like zero buildup to that point gave me whiplash), but honestly didn't really even become "meaningful" development until s4, over halfway through the series. the two spend the first 3 seasons basically not particularly gaf about each other individually, only as part of the whole group and on an equal level with everyone else. they otherwise have no deliberate narrative foundation. it just starts in s4 with no prior hinting. which makes their development rocky and difficult to believe. the funny thing is their characters literally have dialogue (in s4) trying to draw comparisons/parallels between them to say that they especially have a lot in common and like??? no? they really don't? not any more so than any other two kids in the group. their relationship just, really falls flat.

it was disappointing to see it take such a massive spotlight in the series for almost all of seasons 4 and 5, overshadowing the friendships that have been the focus of the show and should have remained so, to the point where at times it just felt like i was watching some stereotypical het highschool romance. genuinely, it made s4 & 5 more of a drag to get through. yasammy and ben and yas' growing bond (which by the way was so sweet, it had the strongest queer solidarity vibes good lord, i sure wonder why yas chose ben out of everyone to come out to first, hmmm) were some of the few things that kept me invested, otherwise i would have dropped it if it had leaned much farther into becoming the kenlyn show than it already was. especially when it was that pair so much of the focus was given to, even though we had so readily and perfectly available, the pair that could have, should have been: benji. which finally brings me to:

ben and kenji

benji's foundation was laid in s1. their interactions, the situations they found themselves in, were deliberate (on the writers' part). i'm even gonna go out on a limb here and say the pairings were fully established in s1e3, even with parallels between yasammy and benji (sammy clinging to yas and ben clinging to kenji throughout the episode), and darilyn gets the beginning of their development too.

even though they bicker a lot in the beginning, they clearly care about each other? kenji protects/helps ben multiple times, and there are definitely some looks ben gives kenji at times. at the end of s1, the one who seems the most deeply effected over ben's "death," other than darius (understandably since he's the one who failed to save him), was kenji! immediately after it happens, we get two close up shots, darius and brooklyn then yasmina and sammy. after which, we go back to the whole group with kenji in center frame, the focus is intentionally on him. it is only kenji who drops to his knees at the loss, and then we get a close up of just kenji. he was saved for last, and he was alone in frame (tbf bumpy was in frame too, but i'm talking humans here), which implies his feelings are especially important in this moment. that is the reason for solo close ups.

after ben's "death," kenji takes to always wearing ben's fanny pack, and up until bumpy--who ben cares VERY much about--got separated from them, kenji was the one who (however briefly) took over her care, ensuring she got off the monorail with them, and he's extremely distraught, more than pretty much all of them, when they can't find her, and he's last to leave when they decide to accept that ben's gone. even when they do leave, he's distant and distracted and his mind is clearly still on ben.

other than darius, kenji is the only one (if i'm remembering correctly) to mention ben/say his name after they lost him, upset because he was actually trying not to think about him. he has clearly thought about ben, probably a lot, because it's hard not to be reminded constantly when you wear something that belonged to a deceased loved one. and frankly, he appears to be the only one who dwells on him that much.

when ben reappears alive (which btw he found the group again because of kenji's butter knife, hello), the frames literally purposely focus on kenji's reaction. he's the one in the foreground every time they show him and brooklyn in that scene. he is the first one to say ben's name, the first one to go to him and hug him, and the scene takes special care to highlight kenji's strong emotions at ben's reappearance, lingering on his teary face as the focus for a bit even after brooklyn enters the frame to hug ben (because she is not at all an important element in the scene at that moment). just like when ben "died," the way this scene is written and shot HEAVILY suggests that ben holds significant importance to kenji, specifically. because again, the focus here is on kenji and ben almost exclusively, with brooklyn as only an afterthought lol. and quite frankly literally everyone else's reaction to him being alive was pretty lackluster compared to the special attention they gave to kenji on this.

and then in s3 we have the infamous hat scene, where darius and ben are in the limo and ben sees and mentions kenji's sailor hat, looking sad and sounding like... longing?? then directly after we switch to kenji realizing he forgot his hat?? the scene has no real significance tbh other than to draw a connection between ben and kenji. like, it acts as a transition to switch to the pov of the group on the boat, but it was entirely unnecessary? why not just have darius say something about the others and then show them on the boat? if there were no special relationship between ben and kenji, it would have made far more sense if they really wanted it to be ben to say something, that he sees the hat, and sadly says something along the lines of "i hope the others are okay/doing better than we are right now/etc" which implies that the hat made him think of everyone, their whole group. rather than what we got... which very much implies that he was mostly just thinking about kenji 💀 and then kenji thinking about the hat at the same time ben's looking at it and thinking of kenji. like, this is.... a very blatant connection being made by the writing/directing here.

all of that. so many deliberate connections made between ben and kenji, they had a very solid foundation laid for a romance to develop, and by all intents and purposes one already WAS developing according to the show's own subtext. which was why up until s4 obliterated the idea, i was positive the queer couple in the show was either going to be yasammy or benji. it was extremely obvious imo. but as soon we started getting the typical, loud, cliche "we are going to pair off these characters" scenes for kenji and brooklyn, i knew we were getting yasammy and not benji (to be clear, i'm not at all upset about yasammy, they're beautiful and i love how their relationship was done, i wouldn't have had it end any other way for them. but i do personally prefer benji, i just like their personalities and dynamic more. and i feel they had so much potential that got wasted to make way for a far less interesting pairing between kenji and brooklyn. why can't we have 2 queer couples, huh? and if we really needed a minimum of one hetero pairing to appease whoever needed appeasing, darilyn was right there).

but then??? their like entire bond just gets dropped (honestly ben himself gets pretty heavily sidelined for almost all of the last two seasons, which is criminal imo). mostly so that a rushed kenji x brooklyn can be established. like there are still a few small moments here and there in early s4, and one episode in s5 (ep 10), but from early s4 till pretty much the end of the series we hardly see them have any meaningful conversations or interactions, meanwhile literally every other combo in the group does.

it's so weird? why build up benji so deliberately over the course of multiple seasons just to like, fully discard it for a pairing with far less chemistry, even after the chemistry-building scenes they shared, some of which literally had no other purpose than to affirm their connection? even though they were very sparse, the moments benji had were just so blatant (kenji leaps into the rock crevice right onto the back of a saber tooth to save ben?!!?? like he literally was just willing to exchange his life for him like that?? he basically says that he wasn't really thinking, he just did it. so he moved out of what, emotional instinct, that's what we're meant to intuit from that series of events? implying that he specifically has strong emotion and doesn't think things through when it comes to ben? because he doesn't do that kinda stuff for any of the others in the group! even better, this parallels when sammy jumped on the nothosaurus to save yasmina. and then the way benji look at each other after it's over??? hello??? and then how kenji pulls both brooklyn and ben in for that hug a couple minutes later... side eyeing the writers for that choice. they knew what they were doing there and they were evil for it). i just can't see any reason to have dropped them like they were, after all the development they shared for 3 seasons. confounding. biggest disappointment of the series.

i know this probably reads to some as just "wahh, my ship didn't become canon" nonsense. but that's not why i'm bugged. this wasn't just a ship i liked and wanted canon despite no actual narrative support, as most ships tend to be. this ship did have narrative support. there was intent behind many of their scenes together, lingering looks and little things that matter narratively and are always used to signify a stronger/special connection. and it led nowhere, for no good reason. that bothers me. writing that implies and promises something, but never delivers on it. like a person who never finishes their sentences (think Dr McPhee from Night at the Museum). ultimately it's not a HUGE deal or anything, at the end of the day it's just a ship and just a kids' show. but as a writer, it's just irritating to see something like that be done. what can i say 🤷

conclusion

even despite the wasted potential between certain pairings, and even though i do think the first three seasons were superior to the last two, overall i really enjoyed the show, and for what it was, it was really well-made. the overarching focus was of course on found family and friendship before anything else, which i absolutely love, and it was masterfully done. out of 6 kids, all of them had at least one or two meaningful bonding moments one-on-one with another in the group, so every possible combination had their moment to build strong, believable friendships with each other. i'm just so surprised by how good it was as a whole honestly, good enough to binge over the course of a week. i will happily recommend jwcc to anyone willing to give it a watch regardless of age, because i definitely think there's no age limit for a good story, no matter the medium it's told in. :)

#jwcc #jurassic world camp cretaceous #benji jwcc #benji #yasammy #yasammy jwcc #i would say that there's prob an age minimum tho... it's a bit scary so depending on the kid i wouldn't rec it to under 10 years #this is a long post #omg so long i'm sorry #i just have a lot to say #gotta shout into the void #it just be like that sometimes #fair warning this post is literally just me praising the show in the first half n then going absolutely off about benji in the second half #review #tv show review #as always with stuff like this that has any mention of ships it is bound to ruffle some feathers #so let me postface this with the reminder that this is all just MY OPINION #you are free to disagree but i'd rather you don't share your disagreements on my post via reblog/notes #feel free to write up your own show/ship review if you feel so strongly #otherwise if you dislike anything i've said you can just scroll past or block me <3

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ursaribbon · 1 year

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What Modern Pokemon Means to Me

I've felt this way for so long, and I can't just not talk about it anymore. I'm hoping to find more people who feel this way, and I think Tumblr is the best place to do so. (cw: su/c/de)

In elementary school, I was cheerful and loud all the time, and people thought I was weird for it. I had been told my whole life that I was so unique and special, and since I only got that validation from adults, I would do everything in my power to get more validation by doing whatever adults told me to do and valuing whatever they told me to value. I was almost blindly obedient, and I sought academic validation. I started masking my ADHD. I was so stiff on the outside that I rarely cried anymore, especially at things other people would cry over. I felt like there was something wrong with me, or that I really was emotionless.

When puberty started and genetic mental illnesses came into play, I became a husk. I never displayed emotion, and people called me a zombie. I was frustrated. What did they want from me if I couldn't be loud or quiet? Classmates would ask me unprompted if I was depressed, exchange an amused look with their friends if they were paired with me for a group project, and whisper about me when they thought I couldn't hear.

Since I was a preteen, I would continually push away the people in my life because I had mental health issues that made it draining to talk to people. I wanted to spend all my time alone because I wanted to rest--I constantly wanted to be left alone in silence because everything going through my head was already too stimulating. My younger brother, my biggest supporter, would try asking me to play with him or try to talk to me about something he was excited about, and I pushed him away every time. He thought it was because I was tired and lazy all the time, because that was what I told him. He began to resent me for always leaving him alone, and even though I never tried explaining myself or even going to him for support, I thoroughly believed it was my fault for leaving him behind.

People who make fun of "teenage angst" are just making fun of themselves for what they see as "dramatic" looking back. It's easy to forget that regardless of what hormones generate them, feelings of depression are real and harmful. It felt like no matter where I turned, there was no light to overcome the darkness.

Gens 7 and 8 of Pokemon have gotten me through the worst of my teenage and pre-teen years. I had been following the Gen 6 anime by the time it was ending, and I was so excited for the next chapter of Ash's journey. I remember going around school telling everyone, "ASH LEAVES KALOS ON THURSDAY! NOVEMBER 17!!!" Not many people wanted to hear it, but for what felt like the first time in forever, I didn't care. I was already known as a zombie at school, and there weren't many things I unapologetically loved so much.

I was in middle school when covid hit. During online school, I felt lonely, scared, and sad. I had the rest and lack of stimulation I had always wanted, but I didn't realize how much it helped to be at school where I was forced to interact with other people. When I was really alone with my thoughts, I couldn't find a reason to live anymore. I was having s//c/d/l thoughts. One day during my lunch time, as I nibbled at my sandwich with my head down on the desk, I decided I may as well catch up on the latest episodes of Pokemon Journeys.

The Beautifly episode was playing, but I was only half paying attention, barely able to focus on anything. Ash had misheard and thought they were going to watch Beautifly hydrate, and Goh had a short fantasy about a Beautifly laying on the beach with a cup of juice before realizing the mistake.

He phrased it something like:

"Yeah, they look so peaceful when theY HYDRA-HOLD ON!!!!"

And I just died laughing.

I knew the joke wasn't funny. The funny part was Zeno Robinson's delivery. I must have replayed it ten times. It was the first time in months that I'd felt like everything was okay.

I even showed the scene to my brother. We both laughed at it for at least ten minutes. It was so nice to share something with him.

I became a bigger fan of the show, and started shipping Ash and Goh. It wasn't because Goh was flamboyant, although I won't deny that many fans assert him to be a certain sexuality based on how he presents himself, which is stereotyping at best and homophobic fetishization at worst. I ship the characters because I think they're compatible and are just cute together. That was when I found the Satogou Discord server.

I had never really had online friends like the ones I had on that server. For what felt like the first time, I had found people I could talk about anything with for hours. While progress wasn't a straight line, I was beginning to have s//c/d/al thoughts less and less because the people and media in my life filled me with light to overcome that darkness.

And then episode 62 aired.

In that episode, Goh's Sobble evolves into Drizzile. It was so excited to be an Inteleon that it didn't realize there was a middle stage in between. It couldn't even use Water Gun properly anymore, and other Pokemon made fun of it for that. It began isolating itself, and when Cinderace forced it to come out of its cave, it ran away in tears.

When Goh finds Drizzile, he tells it about his own childhood, when he was pointed out as being different for reasons even he didn't fully understand. When he asked himself "Why?" he only felt frustrated. This is what he tells Drizzile:

"I don't understand, but that's okay. And I don't need immediate answers, either. ... I'm fine if you just want to be who you are. ... If it helps you to nest, just do it. And if at some point you feel like being with a friend..."

"...I'll be there whenever you need me."

I didn't cry. I almost cried, but I didn't. And I didn't need a reason why anymore. Anyone else may have cried. I might have been a zombie or a husk for not crying.

...Maybe it was because I wasn't overwhelmed by what was going through my head anymore. It made me remember what I had been through, but the way these characters reached out to me was so much more meaningful than anything that came before.

The media that allowed me to laugh and to live and to make friends with ease once again provided light to me, not blinding me, but providing for me a moment of clarity.

I know not everyone likes the newer seasons of Pokemon. It doesn't fit the formula that provided light to those who have been fans for a longer time, and believe me, I understand how important these things are, but goddamnit, it's one thing to dislike a piece of media and an entirely different thing to continue arguing when you find out it means something to someone else. I respect those who don't like the newer seasons, and I won't tell you they're better than the ones that came before because, at least to me, they simply can't be compared to each other.

I know not everyone likes Goh, but I miss him so much for what he represented, and I can't thank the creators of Pokemon 2019 enough for what they went through to make what they did.

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thetinyadventurer · 2 months

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Thought that made me sit straight up in bed and say “God damn!”: I first saw the trailer for Disney’s Atlantis: The Lost Empire on a VHS tape of the movie Dinosaur. The next year, my parents bought our first ever dvd player and Atlantis was the first dvd we ever got. This was like in 2001/2002. The beginning of a new century and technology was already advancing at a rapid pace… Now we have streaming and such and, damn, do I feel old!

I also think it’s cool that they released Atlantis at the beginning of a new century while the movie took place in the previous century (1914). And it just blows my mind to realize how much of an influence this film had on me: This is the film that introduced me to my love for history (specifically the early 1900’s). Helga Sinclair’s little flip back onto the hot air balloon inspired me to try out gymnastics. Yes, with some help, I actually used to be able to do that on the bars.

Also, Milo-freaking-Thatch! This guy gave me hope in a time in my life where I was a scared and confused little kid. I just remember tiny me going into the first grade the previous year: Brand new school, I was grieving the loss of my cat/dealing with my first experience with death and on top of it all, was aware for the first time in my life that I was VERY different from other children my age. I didn’t get formally diagnosed with ADHD until a few years later but even as a child I knew I didn’t fit in at all. I liked things other kids didn’t, was extremely socially inept and god did I read a lot of books! Anyway, here I am, a neurodivergent little girl who felt excluded and isolated from the other kids and here comes this skinny, kind, brave goofball of a guy with an ancient journal and a dream to find the lost city of Atlantis! Here is Milo James Thatch struggling to fit in with the rest of the group and, at times, getting left out just like me! Here is a guy who’s trying his best to help and making mistakes along the way just like I was! And in the end he finds friends, his dream comes true and he becomes brave! And that was SO COOL as a child to have a character out there that shared similar struggles! He helped me not to feel so alone and I’ll always be grateful for that. Oh, and most of all he taught me to stand up and do the right thing.

Also I HAVE to give a nod to Kida and Helga. Kida influenced me to be kinder to people as a child. She befriended Milo, listened to what he had to say and they learned so much from each other. Kida taught me what it means to be a good friend to someone.

Besides inspiring me to try out for gymnastics, Helga made me want to be stronger. She made me want to stand up for myself. Also, as a little girl, I thought it was so cool to see a lady be out there with the guys, kicking butt and taking names. In an era where a lot of young boys told me “Oh, you can’t do that because you’re a girl!”, Helga helped me to grin and say: “Oh yeah? Just watch!”.

As an adult she actually helped me in a way I didn’t expect. As an adult, Helga REALLY made me think. In an odd way, I guess she’s an example of what happens when you go with the flow of things; When you stay silent in a situation and go along with it, even if you know deep down that it’s wrong. That there are consequences to every action you take and yes, standing by and doing nothing is also a choice. Also, be careful who you give your loyalty to; That you can give absolutely everything to somebody but that they might not be willing to do the same for you. Sometimes, people can and will throw you under the bus (or off the hot air balloon in Helga’s case) for their own gains. This is something I learned the hard way and I’m still recovering from it over twelve years later. But hey at least I didn’t fall several stories onto solid pumice!

Also, for the love of god, do NOT screw around with special things from other cultures. ESPECIALLY if you don’t understand its significance! You could end up as a living rock!

Lastly, real life adventures can be scary but they are SO worth it! It’s better to take chances, especially if you have a dream that you want to accomplish. It may be terrifying and you may hit rock bottom and sometimes you’ll downright fail but don’t let that stop you. If Milo can do it so can you.

Night all!

#i spent way too long writing this #late night thoughts #millenial #atlantis the lost empire #disney atlantis #milo thatch #helga sinclair #princess kida #retrospective #never thought i’d be reflecting on my past at 1 am but hey that’s what happens when you can’t afford therapy #dear god i’m old!

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year

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AITA for treating some people they way they treated me?

Sorry for bringing twitter drama and for the long ask.

I'm autistic-ADHD and have some past traumas regarding friendships, it's difficult for me to understand some "normal" things as I've been told. Normal things like not replying to a friend for weeks or months, not interacting unless they need something, keeping mutuals despite never interacting etc go over my head. These are all traits of "adult friendship" according to some and we're raised differently I suppose. I'm not talking about forgetting to reply or being busy, I'm also a busy adult and I forget to reply too so please don't feel defensive about that.

I have some mutuals who do all that I mentioned above, but there are 2 people who go Out Of Their Way to not interact with me. They'd go directly to posts I share to retweet, they'd ignore my messages, my own tweets, my replies to them, my replies to Their Questions under My Tweets, any qrt to their tweets.. just all of it, as if they have me blocked.

This had been happening long before For you page became a thing, years of this and no I wasn't shadowbanned my other mutuals interacted just fine. I was probably muted, but they'd share posts that I know wouldn't be on their tl unless they saw me share, trust me on this.

I didn't realize people did this "cool moot" thing until I saw others on twitter talking about how some popular or wannabe popular accounts do this so that You don't feel too important, so you know it's all casual, so that their rare interactions are treasured.

Let's say we 3 had X fandom in common.

These two mutuals, one was new and really invested in X fandom before we met. She barged into my life and said "We Have to be friends!" weeks before she started ignoring me.

The other one, from my country, had been mutual for over a year, and we shared a bunch of fandoms before X came to existence. So we had good reasons to get closer as friends, there was no reason to not respond to me sending normal fanarts and meta stuff, yet xe acted like I was invisible. No indication that my once or twice a week messages, gradually decreasing, were making xem uncomfortable.

What hurt most is how xe'd be all "my mutuals are my besties", "only 10 people from this country's X fandom has braincells and we're always screaming in group chat". Meaning I wasn't even remembered let alone be in xer group.

With xem I felt like I was just there so xe could keep a "trusted" fellow fan in xeir list, as in 'have similar taste, live in the same country, and isn't a bigot'. I've had other mutuals tell me that they did this, keep "trusted" accounts as mutuals, in those cases I didn't mind because of course I wanted the same and we actually talk to each other.

After I figured out I got upset and appalled. I muted the 2 for some time, if I needed to I went and shared posts they retweeted from source without interacting with them. Nobody messaged each other. If you mute on twitter you still get notification for likes, replies etc and I got none from them in that time. After a couple months I quietly softblocked them.

The older mutual tried to follow again because xe thought it was a glitch but I locked xem out. This is the reason I feel a little bad, but xe could have interacted in the whole year we were in X fandom together.

So this is how I lost two mutuals, was I an ass for the months I treated them like that? I doubt they noticed either way.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #oh twitter drama is on like. another LEVEL entirely huh

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wyntereyez · 4 months

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This is gonna be my last bit of screaming into the void. I can't decide if it's been cathartic, but it's definitely made me angry. This time, I'm gonna talk a bit about myself. I'm not gonna talk about my flaws, because I KNOW I have them, and I don't want to keep putting myself down, because I do that too much already. Instead, I'm gonna talk about something I've been slowly coming aware of, and if anyone has any advice, I'd welcome it.

I'm pretty sure I have ADHD. I've suspected it for awhile, but initially dismissed it because I assumed I completely lack the 'Hyperactive' aspect of it. Physically, anyway. Outwardly, I'm quiet. An introvert. Low energy. I've always assumed I'm just lazy - despite having the responsibilities of an adult since I was too young. You'd think I'd realize something was off, but considering how I have a mother who never did anything for us, I grew up with this horror that I'm like her.

I know now I'm not.

And now I'm starting to think I was hyperactive, but circumstances forced me to permanently mask it.

Something Neil Newbon said at a convention recently really resonated with me. He was talking about how he was always busy, because he was afraid that if he stopped, he'd be lazy.

And I'm starting to think that I was stopped long ago, and never allowed to start again.

I know it runs in my family. My youngest sibling, my half-brother, babbles along a mile a minute, and he just kinda ping pongs around different subjects, and I've never had any problems following along. It made sense to me.

According to my mom's side of the family, who knew me best when I was very young, I used to be loud, and never stopped talking. An aunt once joked that she knew I wasn't on the school bus one day because it was so silent you could have heard a pin drop. I even have vague memories of dictating a long-winded story about a winged unicorn to a little tape recorder.

And even now, there are moments where I stop overthinking things, where I'm not thinking at all, where I'll joke around, and there won't be any sort of anxiety, it'll just be natural. It's like a different person takes over my body. I'll say whatever the hell is on my mind, and it's very freeing.

So, what the hell happened?

It probably started as a child, when I first started school. I rode two different buses; sometimes I'd go to my grandmother's house, so there would be relatives on the bus with me, and sometimes I'd go home, and I was alone on that ride. Defenseless.

I have this vague memory of two teenage girls who didn't like how loud I was. So they hit me. This isn't something I've ever told anyone, because I was so very young, and couldn't comprehend what was happening.

Add in everything else that happened in my life, where I was constantly being forced into roles I wasn't suited for, expected to behave certain ways and criticized when I didn't perform... I just feel very Wrong. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to be stopped anymore. But I don't know how to start again.

#wyntereyez: personal #wyntereyez screams into the void

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naavispider · 8 months

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Spider stood outside the apartment, trying to calm his pounding heart. Maybe this wasn't as great an idea as he thought. What if Quar - his dad didn't want to see him after all they had been through?

"The uncertainty will drive you crazy. To move forward, you have to try. If he refuses, you will know that this chapter of your life is closed for good. However, if he agrees, you can start over together." - The voice of his therapist, Janine, rang in his head. Spider sighed quietly. At the urging of Norm and the Sullys, he finally agreed to start therapy to work through all the turmoil in his life, and although it did bring some relief, the process itself was not very pleasant. And that's how he found himself at his father's door, with whom he decided to cut off all contact. He nervously adjusted his hair, automatically running his hand over the beads that Tuk had woven into it. "Breathe", he reminded himself and took a preventive puff of his inhaler. "The worst thing he can do is close the door in your face". Finally, with a trembling hand, he rang the bell. "That was it, there was no turning back".

He heard footsteps and a moment later the door opened. Quaritch looked the same but a bit older. Spider noticed more gray hair and more wrinkles around blue eyes wide open with surprise look . They both spent a few seconds just staring at each other, taking in the sight of the other.

"Um...Hi, Dad." He began, mentally cursing his trembling voice.

"Son" The man replied and Spider felt a lump in his throat. Even though he heard that word from Jake's mouth almost every day, it felt like he was hearing it for the first time in 4 years. An uncontrollable smile appeared on his face, which was an attempt to hide his nervousness, even though he had a feeling that it didn't work out well. Quaritch still didn't speak. "Damn, you should have warned him somehow, instead of appearing in front of him without any warning.." He shifted awkwardly, swallowing and saying a quick mental prayer to Eywa that his greatest fears of rejection would not be realized.

"Can I come in?" It took all of his willpower to keep himself from running away as Quaritch mercifully nodded in agreement and Spider almost sighed aloud in relief as he crossed the threshold.

“Sit down,” came the voice of the homeowner. He tried for the last time to put together what he had to say (of course to no avail, as he collapsed due to his nerves) as he crossed the room to carry out the order. He saw Quaritch move out of the corner of his eye and looked up hesitantly. The man was rubbing tattoo. A tattoo that evoked so many feelings in Spider that he couldn't even describe them. His dad caught his eye and immediately stopped, probably not wanting to scare him away. He then took a hesitant position, leaving enough space between them that Spider wasn't afraid to make a move. "Get your shit together, you're an adult and it was your choice to come here, so start a topic". Maybe he should start the conversation with the fact that after years of feeling separate and stupid, he was finally diagnosed with ADHD? Maybe then Quaritch would understand why he's sitting here speechless, as if his brain had shut down.

"This is weird" he focused on honesty. To his relief, his dad laughed lightly.

"I'm sorry for... dropping in."

So that's it, that's all for now because I don't know if it makes any logical sense at all 😅 Spider's thoughts are originally written in italics, but here they are removed, so they are in quotation marks. Sorry for any mistakes, but English is not my first language and I have never written anything like that. If you like it, I can write something more because I have some ideas haha

Jsjshsjjsjs OMG?!!! You wrote JANINE?!!! When I read her name I screAMED 😭😭 of couRSE she’s Spider’s therapist in this au 😭😭 I loved this so much! I was grinning the whole time 😍 Please, if you’d like to write more I would LOVE to read it! 🥰💞💙💞💙

#spider socorro #miles quaritch #avatar modern au #avatar the way of water #avatar 2 #miles spider socorro #atwow #the cat's in the cradle #ask #the cat’s in the cradle: epilogue #spider pov #mama Janine

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manicpixxiedreambitch · 8 months

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When I was eleven, my fifth grade teacher was ableist to me, not that I believe he was doing it intentionally. But he knew I had ADHD and got mad at me when I showed symptoms. He called me lazy and disobedient. He told me not to use my ADHD as an “excuse to be lazy”. He nicknamed me energizer bunny because I was showing symptoms like talking too much, going too fast, etc. One moment that stuck with me the worst though was when he pulled me into the hallway and towered over me (this part might be a little biased though, seeing as he was a grown adult and I was a small child) and he yelled at me, threatening to fail me.

For doodling on my papers. Said that even if all my work was done correctly on the assignment, if I doodled on my paper he would fail me.

And so I cried because what else was I supposed to do? I was eleven. And looking back, I know now that the doodling was a compulsive thing I did to help myself focus.

But when he saw the tears he just yelled “I don’t care if you cry!”

And I remember saying in a small voice “I know.”

I stopped doodling so much on my papers after that. Sure, I’ve drawn the occasional flower or eyeball on my papers, but not as wildly, not as freely as I used to do as a child. He engraved that fear of failing in me so bad that for years I was terrified of doodling on my papers.

Now I am in my senior year in high school. My last semester. And I just realized, that he can’t hurt me anymore. He can’t fail me. And because I’m starting a new chapter in my life, I want closure on something that hurt me for years. So last night, I sat down, and I respectfully wrote the teacher a four page letter. First I explained who I was. How I knew him. And then I apologized, and explained that this was probably not the kind of letter he was expecting. How I was writing the letter for closure. I let him know I do not hate him, and that I do not expect a response, nor do I want him to feel any guilt as a result. The letters main purpose was for him to know he hurt me.

I explained that I understand that a lot of my childhood actions had deserving consequences, however I did not deserve to be treated the way I was in his class. I told him how I was being bullied a lot, and had no friends at the time. I told him how I had ADHD, and how the way he treated me for showing symptoms was wrong. I said I felt like an alien, and I was treated like one. I brought up the nickname he gave me, how to this day I hate it. I wrote about that horrible day in the hallway, how it was from my perspective and how what he said stuck with me. How I did not realize teachers could be bullies until I entered his class. I stated that I did not deserve that. I was a child. How I am not being sensitive or a “snowflake”. How I am not saying he should have let me get away with doing anything I wanted, but he could’ve handled me as a student a little better. That my teacher was supposed to help me swim, not scold me for drowning. I was not a bad kid. I was a troubled kid. And yeah, I know you can’t help everyone, but it still hurt me.

And then I explained once again that I was sorry that this wasn’t the kind of letter he expected to receive from a former student. That perhaps to another student he might have been Mr. Falker, but not to me.

I am not lazy, I am not willfully disobedient, I am a human being. I have a human voice, and human emotions. And he did not treat me as such that day in the hallway, or when I was in his class. How the phrase “I don’t care if you cry” will forever sting at me any time I am upset.

I told him that I am in my senior year in high school. I am looking into a career in the field of art. And I write books, I am an author. And unfortunately, I can give no credit to that man for these accomplishments.

And after I finished writing the letter, I started doodling all over the margins. It was uncomfortable at first, it felt like I had artists block for doodling. But then I remembered all of the doodles I used to draw all those years ago, and I started doodling more. And as soon as most of the margins were covered, I know this sounds dramatic, but I swear I heard my fifth grade self laughing. She was saying “You’re gonna get in trouble! He’s gonna fail you!” And I was hit with the most sobering thought. “He’s not.”

#childhood #childhood trauma #fifth grade #doodlings #inner child

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