#how do you expect me to be normal in these conditions. i cant. im just a crazy girl

[shinkaishoujo103]

Are we gonna be able to see a glimpse of how much of a tyrant leo was during the war. animated. are we gonna get batshit leo like in the crush of judgement mv.

[rzyraffek]

Slashers with y/n that just gets along with everything

Like slasher could litteraly kill somone near y/n and she would be like alr alr whats really important is that you are happy🤠😎. Im sorry that first 2character had super long headcanons while last ones have way less :( I had no ideas Request open!

Billy Lenz

He always expects some sort of negative response when he calls people and when he heard new voice on the Phone he got even more exited cuz new person new reaction! He totally didnt expect her to just go "yeah yeah sure buddy, anyways... how is your day man? Cuz im so so tired...*starts normal converstation*

He probably tries to stay in character but he is so caught of Guard he doesnt know how to react really (hehe the table has turn)

Now he kinda hopes that she will pick up cuz shes very intresting😈 billy likey

"Ew its this creep again! He is asking for you y/n? Of please dont tell me you befriended him??" "So what? He said hes favourite fruit is strawberry he cant be that bad!" *billy saying slurs on the phone*

You need to constantly tell him that, no Billy no harrasing women isnt sexy, you arent quirky, you are mentally ill

"Y/n i killed that bitch that was gossiping about you 🧍 " "👍good for you billy im glad you found healthy way to cope with that negative emotion😇" "on god"

His whole moral compass is created around the simple question 'does it hurt y/n?' .1:no it doesnt so feel free to do it .2 do not do it, she will ban Billy from sweets (bad ending)

The man from hush

This guy. This dude. This Little gremlin. He is upset that he gets no reaction! Like please oh please act all angy when he 'acidently' shot tire in her car! But oh no ofc no, she had to be like "oh its okay honey i have backup in garage🥰" hes like HHUH SINCE WHEN WE HAVE GARAGE

Like tbh thats how i imagine how they met: he saw her, he wanted to hunt her, she was so chill that she didnt even leave her household while the power was off and he went inside and just saw her having lil nap on couch. 🧍🤨erm exuse me gurl im trying to roleplay epic hunter here tf

He probably kidnaped her cuz she was too weird to just kill her but he didnt want to risk her calling police. He probably tied her up and yeeted her on backseats. And then she begun judging music on the radio"yo big guy can i get some good music taste?" "What? Whats wrong with Taylor Swift?"

He will overshare everything to kinda check where is her limit if it comes to being chill "yeah so i killed this old lady.." "im sure you had good reason🥰" "🤨... anyways... yeah so i was drinking some redbull when some guy said i look ugly so i shoot his head off and-" "HEY HEY hold up geez you CANT drink Energy drinks?? Bestie you know it is unhealthy?? Also you like hunt for sport it will ruin your condition!? How you gonna shoot people with shakey hands?? You crazy or something?" "Damn😔"

Micheal myers

I tried to put him here but i realised he will be as chill as her.

Like he can give her gifts covered in blood and she' just going to clean it and wear it like nothing happened or completley ignore it

He cares about this stuff as much as y/n so like not at all. I mean tbh theres is a bit of difrence: shes at least positive about it! Like "yeah micheal go for it, love🥰😇 i know its hard to cope with trauma take it all out alr?" Shes trying to be a good supporting gf not her fault she never had serial killer bf!

Brahms Heelshire

He lives for attention! What do you mean the war crime he commited this lunch break is okay!?!? Baby pleasee

But this negativity disapears the moment he realised he can get a lot of positive attention when he will do some nice stuff! "Oh honey I didnt kill any rats today" "oh that's amazing brahms I'm sure you and the rats inside walls will get along well soon🥰" (rats in walls bully brahms)

Please complement him or he will get a tantrum and destroy something

Brahms and rats have very hard past i might do seperate hc about that

Ghostface

"Look babe! My newest victim *shows photo*" "ugh baby...😰 you NEED to buy new camera or watch some youtube tutorials about how to take good photos" "aw man whats wrong with my pictures 😔"

Otherwise y/n supports his hobbies! People need to grow😇 (and he needs to grow up)

If theres 2ghostfaces(like in most movies) they will bet money on how long you gonna keep this 'do whatever as long as youre happy' act. Well they didnt know that this wasnt an act but her personality

Also they will probably try to use this chillnes aginst her like "oooh y/n something terrible happened! I crushed my car oh what will i do!" "Alr bestie i will drive you over there😇" "😈omg you are so nice i totally didnt expect that(heheh i dont need to pay for gas today (hes very evil))

[bonniethebun]

I"ve got

TWST BRAINROT✨

So i thought i may give It a shot at writing this Lil idea i drafted in my head

--------------------

I just thought this as Fem yuu but i ended up writing It as GN as i could, the only fact is that yuu's hair is long

Feel free to read it either romantic or platonic

--------------------

BRAIDING HAIR (MOSTLY 3RD YEARS)

The class bell to the course of 1st years rang to announce their break period, normally the ramshackle perfect would be seen hanging out with other 2 freshies, but those 2 we're known to get in trouble rather quickly. Due to one of them screwing Up part of a project (dont bother asking Who was the culprit, that fight Will never go DOWN) ace and deuce stayed at the classroom talking with the teacher, asking a classmate about the Next class

" the teacher had a appointment so that class is cancelled for the day"

Roaming the patio in search for a way to kill time, Who or how could you hang out ? Most of the people you know are in their class, expect the third years. If you're not wrong the"ll have P.E meaning they had extra time to change uniform and stretch, maybe saying Hi to trey and Cater was the best option. Mid walk you runned into Ortho.

_Hi Lil Shroud

_Good morning Prefect

_ what are you up to day ?

_ not much, just grabbing a water bottle for my brother.

_ He'S alredy at EP, weird that he ALREDY doesnt take an extra water bottle

At the mentionf of the class his voice had a very sutile change of tone

_ Hes been needing more and more water every session of this class, i know it's supposed to be good but i know it's rather for his lack of physical condition than making a good habit

_Its that so ? I think i can help relieve a little bit of the problem if you want me to

_ you do ???

_maybe, i was heading the the running track either way, but i"ll need grab a hair comb for your brothers hair

And before even finishing the instruction the boy runned to grab what you had asked for so you Two could go straight to where PE Was usually done

_ so what's your plan for the comb Prefect

_ oh im gonna teach you how to braid

_ braid hair ?? How's that gonna help ??

_ with all due respect, your brothers hair is too long and he doesnt keep It, hes probably getting more sweaty and hot cuz he doesnt tie his hair properly

_ Well i Hope your idea works!!! Im still exited that your gonna teach me something

Very short before arriving you bumped into just the guys you we're searching

_ heeeeeyy mini Shroud, Prefect, what brings you to our class babies ?

_ never thought you jogged

_ not much guys, just helping Ortho

_ The prefect's gonna teach me how to braid hair !!!

_ AWWWWWWW THAT'S TOTE ADORBS !, wish i could record youu

_ Who says you cant ? We're doing idia's hair

_ I ... Dont think that would be an easy task guys

_ sorry guys, dont wanna burst your Bubble but i gotta agree with Trey, that's totally mission imposible

_ that aint stopping me

The 4 went and meet the other 3rd years alredy warming Up for Vargas hell class, even if It was a simple flying lesson tha Guy knew how to EXHAUST THEM.

Vil and rook were there. impressivly even leona was there, lying down but there. You went on to greet the ones you personally knew. Ortho quickly went on to deliver what Idia asked for.

_ Oh THANK GOD you made It in time

_ of course Bro, by the way-

_ Hold on why do you brought my comb ?

_ The ramshackle's Prefect told me braiding your help would help you not to over Heat during PE

_ Sorry not gonna happpen

That was your cue to aproach the Two, as son as He Saw you he knew something awkard was gonna happpen, his fly or fight instint really were about to make him BOOK IT, by muscle memory he sat up and tried to leave

_ com'on dude dont be like that

_ Noppity nope. Yo known ion like attention !

_ i alredy told Ortho

Even if you Two we're kinda comfy due both being playing buddies, something like that was too extrovert of his liking. But he saw Orthos puppy's, well its not exactly puppy eyes but he knew his Lil sibling too well

_ i know you dont exactly like It, but from a long haired person that hates P.E to another im just trying to give you a tip

In his POV, every single person around was hyper focusing in the conversation, making him want to back Up even more, but again He couldn't resist his Lil brother's Plea

_ IS for your owmn good and i really wanna do this.

Still he didnt want to be peer presured

_ its no use i told you, i dont want to get frilled Up rn

The voice of The very one and only Vil chimmed from where he was sitting

_ If you really get Idia to do this you May as well the the level of the great Seven

You scoofed trying to get the attention out of the comment he made, in a desperate try to get Idia to Understand what you wanna do

_ listen you want to keep be uncomfy and all sweaty during this or want the help, It"ll be quick. Plus Ortho IS the one learning, ill only intervine if i must

That almost "mother scolding her child" tone was the last nail in the coffin for him to succub, only hoping that the embarrsing moment would at least be worth ir

_ i swear if this doesnt least help a bit-

_ Ortho he said yes

_hurray!!

NOW Idia could say people were watching, most in awe of how you and the robot child manage to make him bend. Deciding to stick to what you said, you just gave Ortho the instructions

_ first take all the hair and part It in three strands

_ like this ??

_ good enough, now just Cross over the strands

Robots seems to take instructions REALLY literal, he was struggling and your BEST option was to just guide his hand so you did.

_ Try this way, you gotta keep a pattern, center right left

_ I did It !

_and look, if you do It over instead of under the braid looks more puffy

_ It really does

_NoW you just need to practice, Imma teach you the one i wear for excersice, pass me the comb pls

You halted, you were about to touch idia's hair when the sutile warm in your hand remembered the other reason you werent doing It yourself

_whats wrong Prefect ???

_ THERES SOMETHING WRONG ?? WHATS WRONG ??

_ no no, It just that i can't touch idia's hair

The older should seemed relieved, as if an angel heared his prayers, but THERES NEVER a dull moment at NRC, Vil intervined and casted an spell,

_ May as well finish what you started potatos, It a fire proof spell

That's was It Idia attempted to leave compleatly, this was the last straw, Ortho tried to stop him

_ where are you going ??

_sorry but i dont want to do this anymore

NOW you stepped in, a bit irritanted Cuz its always annoying when you're doing someone's hair and they keep moving

_You better sit back DOWN

_ IM NOT THE TYPE TO GET ALL DOLL UP IM NOT GONNA

_just let potato do It

_ Im not doing It for dolling you Up, its grooming theres a difference, ask leona if you dont belive me

_ You better not involve me in that herbívore. Asking the diff to getting pretty and shit and actually getting the hair out of the way for an USEFULL reason IS so dumb

Now the attention was to the lion beastman, but you manage to keep the Shrouds in check, Vil however went to give him a piece of mind

_ look, if im WRONG and it isnt help full, ill leave you Alone and buy you that collectionable you wanted, but if im correct you buy that game's Battle pass, do we have a deal ?

He actually thought, he alredy had been humiliated (according to him) plus the deal wasnt that bad

_ fine, but please make it quick

_ now look here Ortho, this one is calle french braid, you do the same but start from the top and do the same and every time you're gonna grab a bit of hair

_ how so ?

You demosntrated, you braided then used the fine part of the comb to take bits of hair and mix It with the Next strands you were gonna braid

_ it's the comb necessary ?

_ you can do It with out the comb but It' just helpful

_i get It, can i try now ?

_ go for It

The scene was almost endereing, Cater knew better than to just aproach with phone in hand but he did manage to snap a few pics and videos juust for the memory. It eventually made the bickering between leona and vil to cease, with help of Rook of course

_ i still can't belive nous tricker manage to tame such a timid target, c'est incroyable

_ That i must admit, i havent been able to get him to at least BRUSH IT properly

Even if Idia didnt want to admit, theres was a part of him that's was kinda Happy that his brother and him did a different type of bonding

_ i finished the last part of the scalp, now what do i do ?

_ finish It normally like how i taught you

And indeed he continued down the hair,It was dificult with the amount of hair Idia had but he managed

_ now what ?

_ tie It

_ done, what do you think ? Did i do It right ?

You evaluate the result of your now student, It really did noticable that It was his first time but a good job never the less

_ its good, but i think It need something, Vil do you have any spare hair pins you dont use ?

_ spare hair pins ? But of course

You grabbed the pins he lend to you and used then to wrap part of the hair and then pin it

_ that way It wont bother you

_ that's so cool, thank you so much prefect

_ thnks i guess...

_ now you just need to practice and you'll get better at it

_ can i practice with your hair ?

_ herbívore, since you're soooo in the mood for braiding do mine, It unraveled

_ you really dont know the words please dont you ?

_ whatever you said model boy

braids are something you enjoy doing so you didnt mind. You got to work on his tiny side braids and Ortho put in practice what you taught him. From the sides, now Cater, after streching enough was free to "make more memories" aka more content for his magicam

_ITS A BRAID TRAIN, im totally posting these

You finished to tie leonas braid and sat Up so orhto could have a more comfy position

_ braid train ???

Ace and deuce have just arrived

_ way to give a woman's touch prefect

_ the hells that suppouse to mean

_ i mean it in the best way

_ You really cant Word what you say properly huh

_ shut It deuce

_ now dont start a fight just cause you cant braid

_ OF COURSE I CAN PREFECT, Let me handle It Ortho

_DO NOT LET HIM HE'S GONNA TANGLE MY HAIR

_ wasnt going to, engage protecting mode

The Two were about to defend themself until Vargas came to teach his class and separete the boys

_ as much as i would like to coach you, freshman shouldnt be here, now scram

_ where are YOU going Ortho ??! Are you GONNA leave your older brother to fend by himself ?

_ but i want to keep braiding !

_ were just borrowing him, plus is just a flying lesson, we"ll be back when your lesson's over

_ .... Fine but you better do as you say

_ Ace trapolla if you do tangle the prefect's hair or i"ll take matters in my own hands

_ y-yes Vil...

And with that the little group went on with their day. Each of them having a turn to braid your hair.

===============

Should i do another draft with the other long haired char like Malleus and Jamil ?

[rottytops]

i definitely think the adhd medication (successfully) rewired my brain and made me seek out long term goals over short term pleasure like i have been literally my entire life so now my current goals are to unfuck my credit to move away from my shitty roomies, get my new car and actually get into an ltr lmao

SUPRISINGLY ENOUGH 2 of these 3 goals are either in progress or very obtainable ive been saving a tunna cash and i can get a new car next month after i get my license renewed and ive found this cute little studio that i can maybe move into if i get help co-signing it, then ill just camp out there until my loans are paid off in 50000 years

the last one though.,,,,its so weird. the like. burning fervor to date someone long term kinda slugged me in the back of the head! ive always WANTED a nice relationship but it was never a PRIORITY to me bc i had video games or whatever. these new feelings made me realize ive been living my life like. entirely for myself which is FINE but my standards for myself (combined with how ADHD made me content with literally anything as long as it was easy) make me like. gutter trash tier as a partner, i think. essentially as i am now, unless the other person is equal parts deranged and shitty, im utterly unlovable which is like. tough tits i guess. but if im honest about it i can at least try to change it. part of me is conflicted; if i have to change myself to become more datable, is the person really dating me, or am i just creating a false persona to get conditional love. its a scary thought but at the same time im not really changing MYSELF past getting in shape and taking care of my skin, its more im giving up on being a dopamine addicted manchild and getting my own apartment. with my own car and stuff...these are actually just completely normal goals to have and i already wanted them i just kinda have new motivation for it lmao!

you cant just force a relationship and theres no way im attracting the hoes to me in my shitty room, so i think i need to??? go??? outside??? and hang out with ppl??? utterly mortifying but when i get my car next month i think i can actually do that. id like to make more irl friends as well, i had a bunch of friends in college so. i guess ill go to more smash locals or something but outside of that sigh sigh i have no idea.

these major revelations have all hit me in like the past 2 weeks, since i started my medication and the dosage was upped, i have a lot of work to do and not that much time to do it, really!!!! i hope i can become someone like. worth keeping around in a few months time...!!! the pieces are there i just need to like, put them together....



i could write a whole thing on how mad i am that it took me so long to get medicated and how fast i became a Normal Person after being on meds but like idk that line of thinking doesnt help anybody...!! i accomplished so much even with my debilitating ADHD and now i can do so much more with a mindset that can actually handle the shit neurotypical people expect me to be able to do, considering how im literally good at everything, combined with how ive managed to survive this long with almost no real help from irl people (seriously ive gotten more assistance from my online friends than literally anybody in my family both financially and emotionally) means that me WITH medication is gonna go absolutely insane. im going to be like ultra rich this time next year, probably LMAO....or at least have a boyfriend AURHUFG



anyway if u read this for some reason i love u and also give me ideas on going out and meeting people, i think i can hold a conversation just fine but where do people even GO. do you guys think ppl at bars or whatever know about disgaea. hmmm.

[sereniv]

i managed to talk myself into picking some stuff up

conversation went similar to this (not all exact wording but the jist) in case its helpful to anyone especially if you have executive dysfunction or anxiety or depression and have a hard time getting things done. rebloggable if helpful

"just get up and pick some things up"

"but theres so much and itll make me exhausted"

"just throw away only trash thats easy to home in on theres not much to figure out with cough drop wrappers"

"but ill get tired im tired thinking about it. how do i even start?"

"first look at the area you want to pick up. do it right now. normalize it take your time looking at each item"

"im atarting to get overwhelmed and a headache i cant manage that rn. im going to get too tired"

"are you tired enough to sleep?"

"no"

"are you tired enough to get up to go to the bathroom?"

"no"

"pretend like you have to go to the bathroom. and bring the toilet paper in. thats all you have to do. on your way in"

"how do i get up?"

"breathe. move your fingers. move your toes. move until you get used to the idea of moving. roll a little, or rock. hum in your chest its too quite for us. its too stagnant"

eventually i was able to losen myself up and sit in bed. i kept reminding myself that i just have to do one thing and that can be on the way to do something i always do which is go to the bathroom

"get up and go to the bathroom

get up and go to the bathroom and stop stop, get the toilet paper. grab it. pull it with you"

i reminded myself that the moment i felt too tired exhausted fatigued i could drop it all and lay back down.

but i gave my self a condition. That if i cant bring in the toilet paper then i dont get to go to the bathroom. (i didnt have a urgent need to go)

I told myself i could also pick up one wrapper or one tissue and throw it away. or if i had a problem bending down i could close some drawers

i reminded myself that even the smallest thing once in a while adds up. if i picked up one tissue a day. every other day. 1 tissue a week, eventually my room will be cleaner

i kept bringing my attention back. because i would get overwhelmed. But i told myself to ignore everything block everything out except one item like a cough drop wrapper

and this was before i got up. once i got up i stood. i told myself to take a deep breath and that if i wanted to sit back down i could

but i was up, and i reminded myself that ive checked off one thing off the list. if i sit back down its ok, because i got myself up.

i reminded myself my room has been a mess for months. and that whats another month of it being messy, except now that month will be filled with constant attempts and praise of those attempts

and at the end of the month if i picked up one wrapper that can still be considered a success especially compared to previous months where i didnt make any attempts

so i got up and i stood there. i told myself to move my fingers and my toes and my neck and my arms

normalize body movements while standing up, especially when its quiet it can make me feel stagnant and its hard to have controlled movements (as in not just routine like going to the bathroom)

standing up felt like i could actually do something. it felt different from laying down, laying down was too comfortable and made me not want to get up

but now i was up and i loosened my muscles enough.

"how are you feeling?"

"ok but its so tempting to lay back down again but i want to get something done i feel bad"

"its okay to lay back down you know that right?"

"but i feel bad for not doing something"

"getting up is doing something"

"im going to attempt to take the toilet paper"

and once i started moving it kind of set into place and i was able to pick up a few things, more than i expected.

because being overwhelmed or feeling bad about not being able to do something makes you forget how easy something is or how not scary or bad it is

so i ended up not needing to keep talking myself up, and was able to put the toilet paper away

i also had conversation about my clothes:

"i want to move my bed but i cant because theres dirty clothes on the floor and a box i have to get rid of and a basket of clothes that are clean that i have to go through what do i do? how do i do all that? its so much. where do i put my dirty clothes"

"put the clothes in the box. you dont know where to put the box yet, so dump all the clothes you find even clean ones in the box. its ok to wash ones that are clean. the box can then go in the corner, and you deal with that later"

so put the clothes in the box. and moved it to the corner. immediately i see more clear space and socks scattered. i reminded myself to focus on the dirty clothes which were easy to home in on. and the scarf and anything else considered clothing even stuff i knew i hadnt worn (clean).

seeing the carpet less cluttered made my brain calm down. it made it easier

and i didnt do more, even though i felt like i could

keep your energy. keep doing it this way. you did a little, and i know you can do more. but you dont need to take this opportunity. you dont need to rush. you dont need to go until youre worn out. you are allowed to do the bare minimum and you are allowed to not do your best. because sometimes doing your best saps your energy ao you only can do your best a few times. if you do your least, you can do your least more.

So yeah ive been trying to break things down, and go through the repetitive nature of anxiety and executive dysfunction. its a baby. it cant figure these things out and its like going around in circles

but you repeat yourself and are kind and remind yourself that even moving a finger can be enough for now, and eventually that like 10 minute or more conversation can normalize these things

can break through the problem. treat your anxiety and your depression and your executive dysfunction and overwhelmeness like a little kid. whos scared, whose confused. who needs to have things repeated. who needs reasurence and praise. be patient

i feel good. i picked up some trash and put toilet paper away and dumped clothes into a box. i went farther then i expected. and i stopped even though i could do more and im glad i stopped.

your conversations might take longer half hour. an hour. but it has to be encouraging. not rushing. explain to yourself. ask yourself questions.

how are you feeling? why? break it down for yourself like a child. you deserve patience and kindness. you deserve to have your hand held and to be praised by you.

[dyingclown]

TW ED AND SH, NOT CURRENT BUT REMINISCING

seventh grade was actually crazy because who told 12 year old me that it was normal and healthy to be browsing eating disorder twitter every single day 😭😭😭

it started as only self harm twitter because idk obvious reasons but theres so much overlap that i was just drawn in

its actually so inconvenient because now when i look through my camera roll from that time period im randomly jumpscared by a series of images of starving girls and people with sh wounds going through to their bones 😭😭😭

like come on. im trying to look back at a DIFFERENT trauma (shiloh)

thats the real reason i got permabanned from twitter LMFOAOSOALA

thats lowkey how i got out of that mindset because i wasnt in a constant echo chamber of calories and numbers and bullshit

i still think it like fundamentally altered me as a person though 💀💀💀

at least it wasnt as bad as my eighth grade eating disorder situation

since i was banned on twitter i used a different forum website which was much much worse

like ive been trying to be more healthy recently and i catch myself thinking "well it was so easy in december 2022..." NO ALLISTER. NO. BAD. EATING 300 CALORIES A DAY IS NOT THE WAY TO BE HEALTHY. HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO BUILD MUSCLE UNDER THESE CONDITIONS.

its also why im SO fucking weak now

sorry chat i starved away all my muscle and now i am not good for anything!!!

it was crazy how rapidly i lost strength

it was interesting because that was around the time i came up with the idea for my book so that was my little escapism

i just imagined charlie and built up his lore to distract myself from the constant empty aching of my stomach 💀💀💀

it was also sad though because at the time i was like "wow! starving myself is so Good For My Mental Health! because now, i dont think about my old groomer constantly! because im too focused on being so impossibly fucking hungry to even think straight!"

i like was scared of eating normally again because i didnt want to have to think again

GIVE ME ALL YOUR LSD SO I CAN FEEL MY MIND UNWEAVE AGAIN

THEY SAY THE BEAUTYS JUST SKIN DEEP SAY ANA STANDS AND RENDS THE RANCID MEET FROM HER BONES BONES BONES LET ME SEE YOUR BONES

I DONT WANNA KNOW IF THE FEELING FOLLOWS HOME

BONES BONES BONES

HELL WE'RE ALL ALONE

IF I COME HOME BABY WILL YOU SHOW YOUR BONES

there needs to be a study done on the effects of that song on mentally ill children 😭😭😭 its so good but i cant listen to it without war flashbacks.

god i was out of my fucking mind

i remember frantically googling the amount of calories in a ramen flavor packet because i was so hungry that i literally just ate the powder 💀💀💀 i came to the conclusion of 30 calories! but i dont think that was accurate LMAO

i used to like dirty up plates and stuff to make it look like i ate

and wake up early while nobody was home to sneak into my dads room and use his scale

i remember when i tried to purge like 1/4 of a sandwich 😭😭😭 ALLISTER YOU HAVE EMETOPHOBIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING

local faggot transcends boundaries of emetophobia to get rid of a nominal amount of calories because hes fucking delusional!

gtg do a dbq now more later maybe BYEEEE BOOP

[f0xd13-blog]

Them giving it back: my stomach empty after all the unecessary shit i had to go thorugh that they themselves creatsd!! Like i wasn't even in the conversation before because i accepted that i was framed as a fascist and tried to live my life the best i can before madonna appeared again to fuck me up... your star!!!

......

Oh well yall just don learn... the way my life was destroyed and could have commited suicide just like the rest because we have no flag to hide behind .. oh men... god will punish you all its ok

Oh no... i knew this was comming.. exactly like it always happens... god knows better

So everybody got their money from my efforts except me just like god antecipaded... ahahahah yall just never learn

When you have a good mother right? They will always think they know better... thats why they're fucked lol

Anyways wait for camps in america tired of dealing with your nazi nonsense

Oh you is treated goo because you are a football player in italy???ohhh so cute. Just wait for the italian camps anyways

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Just wait until you ork and it doesn't get recognized.... you don get with words you will get and exemplified. Just the mere fact i did all of what i did and it aint considered work when you have creatives being paid for the ideas i had is astonoshing

Oh and btw thanks because i totally got disappointed with so many stars and celebs to the point i don respect them at all anymore...god certainly doesn't aswell... yall behave like animals lol

Yah right... totally framed anf it was one of the massonical jews you have in america always oing that sort of shit to gain control of ou shit

Insta is behaving so normally like it doesn't seem tempered at all

I sure hope yo didn't had the stupid idea of putting that wrestling algorithm for everyone... because people will just notie where the nazi schemes are comming from as nobody watches that fag shit that went donwhill since the woke shit started

https://echoboomer.pt/programas-wwe-deixaram-sport-tv-em-portugal/

We don even air it here... thats how much boring it became

Angola datroyed namibia as expected because duhhh gypsy and portuguese blood where the og footballers cama from

Messi just went to saudi and straight up said to elon...

I gotta admit sometimes i just trash random people to prove a poi t... like let me beef with those niggas of course nothing i say is untrue but i do force it sometimes coz they gotta understand people ain't perfect and part of being alive is to do arguments and then make up or not but let us fight with each other and say wtv tf we want we will deal with the consequences of that WITH THE PERSON WE OFFENDED

For example i came online and they decided to put some random basketball shit... listen i only use chicano bulls because it looks hot and im a g so you know bulls and shit? Yah.. tbh... because i don even follow american leagues just never happened and we have a big futebol culture over

I just cant with this fucking t0kenism... if it wasn't him it would be a G but with more ratings

Have you ever wtached esmeralda or wtv the name is? Yah jews got jelky even of that!!!and took our jobs to be in our place while i live in third world conditions

And have to deal with this from fucking billionaries that should have humanity right? Thats what they sell right?

The level of real ass mental disability this people have that they had to stretch the fucking meaning of a gypsy with a person with disability and the bond that happenedd because we was both targets of jewish nazi germany but still they had to even HAVE TYAT!!! CRAZY

Like it doesn't even make sense because your budddies was the ones genociding us and thats why we created that bond even using the image of a clown (you know typical clown visit at the hospital?) Yah.. well years later they even WENT FOR THAT... like now i have a jew in my place performing and getting along with people with disabilities in my place! Thats how insane this people are!! Diversite it to basically rob me of my only role ahahah

Soms people think they arr fixing me but they got it all wrong... yall the ones that need to be fixed omg

[piecesofmicorazon]

god, why is it that everytime im here i have too much to say. i've been avoiding this as usual, even though i'm supposed to be on this self help journey. i'm supposed to be investing in myself, i'm supposed to be finding myself again.

but what does that even mean honestly?

here's what's been going on since me and bj broke up, twice. i feel like the first breakup was real but we fell back into it. we went to her soccer holiday party and then she spent the night. i love spending time with bj, i love how i can show this side of myself that i have never revealed to even myself. she has become the safest space for me. so yeah, it does break my heart that i'm not attracted to her anymore.

i want to force it, i wish i grew up different, i wish all the circumstances were different. something my therapist was saying that we are conditioned to see things a certain way sometimes. that real love is only between a boy and girl, that it's important what people think of us, you know. all of that.

i wonder if this world was different and same-sex relationships were a normal thing... would i think this way?

but unfortunately, it's not. this is how the world works and that's not how i was conditioned.

it just makes me wonder so many things.. have i been brainwashed this whole time? does any of this actually matter?

anyways, the second break up was really hard. bj didnt talk to me for a few days, i was just blowing up her phone on my own honestly lol. but finally! she came over to drop off my jacket, and it felt like everything was okay again. but i dont want her to get false hope, i dont want to keep having sleepovers that will not lead us getting back together, i dont want to keep breaking her heart. but i cant let her go, it's the most selfish thing i've ever done but i will never let her go.

in the meantime, i'm working at the coffee shop and i met a boy. like wtf right? and we all know how i get when i meet someone new. i already start to have expectations..

anyways we were supposed to hang out, and thank god we didn't because thank god i had my implant appointment. but then he came to my party on saturday and fuck he's cute and even more fuck he smelled so good, and i thought fuck, i could marry him. like what the fuck is actually wrong with me?

i was trying to avoid him the whole night but knew i would need to eventually see him and then it just all happened at once and next thing i knew.. his hand was on my waist and we were dancing and i was getting coochie butterflies. i wanted to kiss him so bad, i wanted to do the most reckless thing so bad. but then the instant guilt starts to seep in. how dare i? is this what i meant by "i have to find myself?" god, i wonder if bj knew... how much that would've hurt her. i'm such a horrible person.. am i really going to move on this quick? is this moving on? i started to self sabotage.. i started going back to that place i was at 3 years ago when i hooked up with those boys and felt like i gave myself away..

i really don't want to fall back into that cycle, i really can't. i can't do that to my precious bee.. right?

but yesterday ryan said some really lovely things to me and i was extra thankful that we were friends. he said, "all this over a DANCE?" and in that moment i felt like i stepped out of myself to see it from a bigger picture standpoint, and i thought. wtf? he's right!

i'm not trying to be reckless. but at the end of the day, i can't try to plan out my growth. perhaps a couple mistakes along the way is going to help shape my growth.. who knows. what i know is -- i can't jump into a relationship, i don't owe anyone anything and this is all on my terms. there is nothing to overthink, i don't need to be concerned if he's messaging me, paying attention, because i made a commitment to myself and bj that i would do this self journey for a reason. to be less selfish, to be more kind and hold more grace. so as i start this therapy journey especially, i'm going to learn about me again. unpack trauma and emotions. it's going to be amazing.

so cheers to whatever that looks like. my journey is my own and i don't want it to be influenced by anyone, even bee. that will be hard but perhaps that's what i'll have to work on letting go. even with a little bit of time i am learning that life does go on, time does heal, and i don't have to be bound to any expectations.

now. i'm still trying to figure out what i want to do with this man. go on dates? kiss? hook up? date? god, who knows. it may not even go anywhere. honestly that's probably is what will happen. i already find some things weird about it. i don't want to just be excited just because it's the only person that's in front of me.

still, that's life.

[cpunkwitch]

answering my questions p2

[pt: answering my questions p2]

ask game 2 (link)

whats the most recent encounter of ableism you've had, online or irl?

my dad calling my condition "just labels" when i told him my mom and i suspect i have arthritis. "you guys and your labels, you liike labels too much"

2. whats the worst encounter of ableism you've had, online or irl?

unsure what the worst one would be, they all suck imo. i guess any ableism coming from my dad, because hes my dad so it tends to hurt the most coming from him.

3. whats the funniest encounter of ableism you've had, online or irl?

tried to think of a few things but they werent so funny so im not sure. maybe my dad saying he though i was an old lady when he first saw me with my cane picking me up from college last year?

4. whats something an ableist said that stuck with you and for what reason?

i cannot remember anything specific

5. whats something you want ableds to understand?

main point: ask consent before daring to touch anyones belongings especially mobility aids and not every disabled person will have the same limitations and experience with their disabilities. we arent inspiration porn, we are human beings functioning differently from you.

some people will be okay with you moving their cane aside or something AS LONG AS YOU ASK and keep it within reach of them. some people in a wheelchair can walk or use other aids on different days, some people dont use any any aids but still cant do th e same activities you do let alone they way you do them for the same length of time. some only use aids on rare days, some have perfect use of their legs, some have to have assistance with mundane tasks, so on and so forth.

a disabled person in the olympics, competing in a sport, creating things while in a wheelchair or walking with a cane etc are not there for you to go "wow so amazing youre so strong and brave im so proud of you for doing this despite your disability" they do it for them, with their disability and never for your degrading "positivity". you wouldnt say that if they werent disabled, why arent you saying congrats to the others who do the same thing as them too? is it just because youre singling them out for being disabled? fuck off with that.

6. got a story involving ableism that you like to share/feel like sharing/find amusing? can be yours or someone else's story.

likely have tonnes of stories about my parents ableism. if you prompt me i can probably some up with something to talk about but sometimes i need specific prompts like "your parents reaction to your first mobility aid?"

specifically ones that i find amusing though? normally ones that arent mine and they came from either youtube readings of tumblr or reddit posts, story times or someone pissing off my mom.

i do remember when i walked into the dollar store the cashier asked what happened when she saw my cane and i went "oh i was born with a defect in my spine :D" and watched her deflate with a quiet "oh.." what were you expecting?? how is that question ever not awkward?

7. dumbest or funniest question someone asked you about your condition and/or aid?

answered in 6 i guess

8. if you dont have one, do you think you could benefit from a service animal? if so, what animal would you like?

therapy, or emotional support cat or rabbit? i cant do dogs, im terrified of dogs. cats and rabbits i could handle. im actually unsure what else there is but iv looked into getting an esa a while ago and the only reason my mom said no no matter how many times i bargained is because we live in too small of a house thats constantly a mess.

im never allowed to get a rabbit while i live with her, she hates them ever since one horny rabbit years ago bit her leg.

parents were really mean about me wanting a bunny rabbit and im still holding it aganst them.

9. do you have an ideal mobility aid or ideal disability aid in general?

easy to move wheelchair, easy for me anyway. one with a no handles so no one can grab them. maybe a basket or something on it too idk, that way everything not in my lap or in my bag hanging off the side or something? idc if its motorized or not tbh

when im finally out of my crappy parents house, i'll look into gettingone.

10. whats something you wish ableds would stop doing/do less of?

asking dumb questions and touching our stuff without permission

11. whats something you wish ableds would do more of?

hold doors open regardless of ability, regardless if they have a mobility aid or not. treat people the fucking same.

12. whats something in the community you dont see talked about enough?

i know its talked about in other places but i dont actually run into the discussion much, people talking about living with an able-bodied partner or another phys disabled partner while being disabled themselves and what its like/what to expect etc.

i do plan on eventually moving in with someone and id like to hear more stories about home life with roommates or partners.

13. have you ever tried out someone else's mobility aid before?

i once used my brothers crutches when i was maybe 4? dont fully remember why he had them but i remember that day i picked them up. it was an xmas party.

14. whats something thats supposed to be an accessible accommodation but just turns out to be more of a hinderance for you and why?

i used to have an answer for this and i dont remember what it was.

15. whats something you see thats overhyped in regards to disability or cripplepunk?

overhyped/overrated imo? yet another question i no longer remember my answer for jfc who's taking my memories? /cj

i remember there was something that was talked about a lot that was really not worth all the hype to me but i guess since the talk of it died down and i stopped seeing it in the tags/on my dash i completely forgot what it was specifically.

im a very "out of sight out of mind" person..

16. whats something that you see people talk about constantly in the community and are now tired of?

answered in 15 ig?

17. have you ever made characters with disabilities? if yes, tell us about them and their disability?

oh yeah lots, which book or fandom shall i start with?

off the top of my head theres "escape", "the adventurers" and "afterwards", maybe even "the four witches", original books of mine. as for fandom related characters, my oc macey comes to mind first. shes a marvel/avengers oc (in general not just mcu). im happy to talk about any of these, you can even ask if i have a character with a specific condition, i probably have a dnd npc or two from one of my campaigns who have it if none of my book or fandom oc's have it.

i like character creation..

18. what are your favourite disability headcanons?

about everything i post to @/beecanons and @/your-fave-is-crippled that isnt expressly canon, and the stuff i plan on posting.

19. whats a disability you want to see more or better representation of/for?

honestly my first look at anemia in media was vampire knight and diabolik lovers... please give me better rep.. i need to see more anemic characters that arent just "whoa im dizzy" and "oops passed out cuz a vampire drank my blood"

20. free space!

feel free to ask me to elaborate/expand on, clarify or just ask whatever you'd like, my inbox is alway open!

[ID: banner reading "dni if... proship, transx/id, syscourse/discourse blog, anti-mspec lesbians/gays, anti-lesboy/turigirl more in pinned rentry. this blog is protected by the addams family, the de rolo family and co." in all black lowercase text. It has a grey cloud background. On the left is the De Rolo coat of arms with a cobweb in the top corner and symmetrically flipped on the right is the symbol of Vox Machina with the same cobweb in the bottom corner :End ID]

[hekkoto]

VERY Important - please read..

Hi guys!

I wanna write lil post explaining why Im quite missing etc.

So in short, my health got way worse, I suffer from some awful autoimmune illness. It awfully affected my health, my joints are in awful condition - Im in awful pain, I struggle with walking or using my hands, Im super weak and often on edge of fainting, I lost a lot of weight and hair.

I had to leave job, I struggle with using my computer or drawing. I really struggle with doing things.

I knew my health was bad, but I kept ignoring this, just pushing harder and harder, doing more and more, fullfilling everything I heard I need to do. I only was getting worse and worse. I even ignored being told to go to hospital if my joints will swell, will have fever, headache, will be fainting/close to it. I kept going. But its over, my body cant stand anymore. I need to take care of my health ASAP knowing that if not I will end in hospital.

My physical health but also mental got worse lately. I cant hide behind fake smile, pushing myself more and more. I need to rethink and reevaluate few things. I dont want get too much into details, you will know what you need.

Due to having leave a job, huge amount of money we spent/gonna spend on my meds and doctors/examinations we are quite screwed.

This was supposed be great month, my 26th bday and I planned to finally buy myself some TheSims4 packs and some jewlery as in over a year I was putting almost all gifted money to pay for my meds or doctors. I enjoyed amazing time with friends and that was so great. I did everything what I was told to do - tho still felt not being worth anything. I hoped things will be better but it become way worse than I expected. Feeling pain I cant ignore anymore. My health got so bad.

I have no clue how long it will take to put me back in normal state... I have no clue yet what to do. Im going to start take steroids meds tomorrow so maybe it will be better, less painfull.

If you can please consider supporting me on Ko-Fi or Patreon. I will soon be open for commissions, I will open shop on Ko-Fi. I will think about other options too.

Im sorry for my absence + fact in near future I will stay quite absent too. Wish me best at getting better, support if you can.

I need to rethink some stuff, find what actualy serves me in life, what I want have or do. I have no clue how we will pay for all of my meds and such so consider supporting me

all links: https://linktr.ee/hekkoto

[schizopositivity]

ever just like wow, im schizophrenic.

I used to have this idea in my mind of what a schizophrenic should be, that idea and othering myself from it for so long is what kept me from treatment for so long. I thought "Im aware of myself, Im aware I cant see reality correctly, Im aware Im not doing well, therefore I couldnt possibly be an actual psychotic person" but I was wrong. I am schizophrenic, I have a psychotic disorder so Im technically always psychotic even when I can clearly explain that I am. Im no exception. from stories Ive heard from other psychotic people they relate. we are at times aware that we are psychotic, but we are still psychotic. being aware of how we are is normal, especially after treatment. we know that we have this condition, its how we can ask for help, how our voices can be heard. once we realize what we are we can reclaim it. I am schizophrenic, I am psychotic, and Im also not the charcicature of madness that the media wants you to believe I am.

Im self aware, Im committed to bettering myself, Im actively working on treatment for myself. I am also psychotic and that doesnt change anything. It comes with its own difficulties for sure but its not like we are all completely dissconnected and oblivious to the world.

and for those confused, in my situation its like I hallucinate often, that is me experinceing things different from reality and is psychotic, I am also usually aware I am hallucinating, even with that self awareness, the hallucination carries on as it would anyway. I cant see reality properly but I understand that there is a collective reality for most people and Im outside of it. I still try to function in that reality best I can cause that one has people who care about me and want to help me. I know for myself, sticking to my own reality as if it was true casues a lotta problems and ultimately hurts me but thats not the case for all psychotic people.

just because someone is psychotic or schizo spec doesnt mean you can write off everything they say as "out of it". and just because we dont look or act like what you expect to see, doesnt mean we arent psychotic

[h2bakugou]

Hey! i just wanted to say that i love your writing. So this may be a little complicated if thats okay but i had cancer when i was younger and i would like to see if you could write about kirishima and bakugo (separately) crush being hit by a quirk that makes them younger again or something like that and them seeing their crush in a horrible state like they cant walk anymore . IM SORRY if this is complicated you dont have to do bakugo if its too much.

a/n: hi! tysm <3!! of course, i hope you're doing well hun !! if there's anything you need me to change/edit within this please let me know!!

headcanon: them reacting to their s/o being hit by a quirk that makes them the age when they were sick

key: (y/n) - your name / (f/n) - first name / (l/n) - last name / (e/c) - eye color / (h/c) - hair color / (y/q) - your quirk

warnings: fluff, swearing, angst

;cut for length;

»»————-　★　————-««

katsuki bakugou

»»————-　★　————-««

It’s been a tough day on the field, especially with a villain attack appearing from seemingly nowhere. It’s caused a mess, and everyone’s on edge.

Most noticeable though is Bakugou. You’re fighting one on one with this villain and he doesn’t doubt your abilities by any means, but you’re worn down and tired, your movements are slower, you’re starting to reach your limit.

And all it takes is one hit from this nameless villain’s quirk and you’re down for the count.

Bakugou’s tired of fending off goons and dashes over to you, taking down the villain to the best of his ability.

But what he doesn’t expect is when he turns back to you, instead of seeing you, he sees the pile of your clothes covering a much smaller version of you.

You’ve shrunk?

No, you’ve gotten younger. 

Just barely lifting your head, you start to cough. 

“Shit, hey get someone over here!” Bakugou shouts to one of the other students, hoping an adult could rush over and try and help-not that he needed it, but he was worried.

It wasn’t long before another pro hero was wrapping your younger self up in your clothes.

If Bakugou had to guess, he’d say you were around five to eight years old.

You sat in a hospital bed for a few hours before Aizawa finally arrived, noticeably worried about the state you were in. You didn’t even remember the people standing around you.

“They’re in critical condition. If this age regression quirk has sent their body back in time, we’re going to be in a bit of hurry to get them back to their normal state. They’ve had a history of medical concerns.”

Bakugou has to step out of the room, supported by Kirishima and Kaminari as he tries not to seem like he’s heavily affected by the state your in.

“They’re going to be fine, if it’s just some sort of temporary affect, they’ll be back to their healthy old self soon!” Kaminari tries to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t seem to help.

When you’re released from the hospital to return back to campus, you’re placed under surveillance.

You’re much younger now, and you can barely walk, it’s tearing everyone apart. All of your friends stop by whenever they can, trying to see if you remember them which usually never works.

Bakugou stops by often as well, normally at night when no one else comes around.

He talks about little things like All Might and always brings in his little toy figurines that he’d swore he’d never show anyone.

You laugh and smile, waving them around making all sorts of noises all while ignoring the fact that Bakugou is nearly in tears at the sight of you.

The effects last two weeks. It’s the longest two weeks of everyone’s lives, most importantly Bakugou’s.

When you wake up and see Bakugou sound asleep beside you, his head laying on the medical bed you’d been sleeping in for the past two weeks, you’re confused.

“Hey, Katsu’?” You ruffle his blonde hair and he’s up instantly.

He’s embracing you in the tightest hug known to man, surely putting All Might’s to shame.

Kissing you too, he can’t stop himself from holding you and mumbling about how worried he was about and how he’ll never let something like that happen to you again.

“I never dabbled in my past much, but I’m doing much better now, I’m sorry I gave you a scare.” You rub his cheek, wiping away a few rare tears that fall from his crimson eyes.

“I love you so fuckin’ much.” He utters, his lips pointing upward in a smile.

“I love you too.”

»»————-　★　————-««

eijiro kirishima

»»————-　★　————-««

The fight is surely rigged. There’s no way you’re going to win, not alone anyway. 

Kirishima is making his way to you as fast as he can, but when he gets to you it’s far too late.

You’re cowering before him, your costume baggy on your visibly smaller and weaker frame, tears pouring from your eyes as your body strains to stand upright.

The villain is gone, but not too far gone that they don’t get captured by patrolling pros on the scene.

Rushing you to the nearest hospital to undergo some sort of evaluation, all Kirishima can do in the meantime is wait alongside Kaminari, Mina, Sero, and even a slightly less angry Bakugou.

When the nurse returns to explain your situation, Kirishima is mortified.

Refusing to leave your side until he’s forced to by Mina to take care of himself because it’s what you’d tell him to do, all he can do is wait and hope that you’ll get better.

You can’t walk without having someone help you, and the worst part is, you don’t even recognize him.

Kaminari takes the role of making you smile and laugh while Kirishima adds throws in random memories turned into stories hoping it’ll jog some part of your memory connected to how old you actually are.

But nothing seems to work and all you can do is sit in wonder as he tells you about how present-pre age regression quirk you is really super awesome.

After being scolded by Mina on day one, Kirishima manages to take care of himself, but he spends most if not all of his free time with you. 

In a way it’s domestic, imagining the possible inevitability of raising a family with you, you’d always jokingly said he was great with kids.

Taking care of you is nice, he enjoys doing it now, buying you little gifts, helping you get something off a high shelf or just being a gentleman for you.

Holding the door for you, carrying your bags even when you yell at him not to and he swears a part of you has been inspired by Bakugou.

After the first week, he begins to get settled in, thinking if this is going to last a while, he wants to help however he can.

Aizawa ushers him to pay attention to studies and that you’re strong enough to power through this, and he understands, he believes wholeheartedly you are.

But part of him is sort of upset. He’d never known that you used to be like this. He hoped when it was all over you could explain.

And sure enough, after two weeks, you wake up, as if those two weeks had never happened.

You don’t seem to have much recollection of the two weeks, only a few hours on the last day seem to make it through to you.

Kirishima greets you with a hug and thousands of kisses.

He doesn’t let you go for hours, weeping into your embrace as he begs you to never scare him like that again.

You console him all while telling him about your past and the history of your medical condition and he understands. He’s thankful you’re where you are now, and he’s so happy to see back to your normal self again after those two weeks.

“I stayed with you as much as you could.” Kirishima whispers, kissing your cheek. Kaminari lifts his head up and starts laughing.

“Yeah, he was so worried about you. You’ve got yourself a keeper.” He jokes, making Kirishima’s cheeks match shades with his hair.

“I love you.” You mumble against his skin, hugging him tightly.

“I love you too.”

»»————-　★　————-««

masterlist

[weirdmageddon]

my rheumatologist has done more for me towards getting a POTS diagnosis than my cardiologist thats kinda sad bro

i came in to the cardiologist the other day (finally after waiting MONTHS) hoping for a tilt table test to see how my heart rate and blood pressure react to orthostasis in a controlled setting. the doctor didnt actually do a thing to test me for it in-office, i was just told to schedule an echo (which is fine), holster (alright) and stress test (why). but i was also prescribed eastern medicine as a treatment....“superbrain yoga”? like i dont want to seem closeminded because she is an indian doctor and there are some things that western medicine hasn’t caught on to but i realy wish i was told why it is supposed to work. like i want to know physiologically how and why it supposedly works. get technical and mechanical with me bro i have le autism, thats my language if you wanna really convince me. if it’s about toning up the muscles in my legs to squeeze the blood into my core upon standing why dont i just do squats? why do i have to do all this really specific stuff like hold my tongue at the roof of my mouth and face east, crossing my arms (right arm must go over left) and maneuver my hands in a certain way to grab my earlobes while doing those squats? is that merely a concentration sort of thing to make your brain focus? if so, why not just let me know what the purpose to these specific movements are (and what does focusing my brain have to do with treating POTS symptoms anyway)?? i’m not a spiritual person so the spiritual aspects of it do nothing for me. but at least i wasn’t given intensive aerobic exercise because i cant do that lol. i was just prescribed core strength training with planks and crunches (fine with me) and “superbrain yoga” (the specifics still confuse me but i’m doing it anyway)

but i didnt even get a tilt table test while i was there, i asked about it and she said “we stopped doing tilt table tests a while ago” and i was like ????????? thats like the gold standard to test for POTS my guy. based on just my symptoms she said i had dysautonomia and i asked “what about POTS?” and she said “it could be” and i was like ? could be? bro you didnt even test for it?

the whole visit just felt really vague and dismissive to my issues (yet again). fucking even my rheumatologist said before this visit to the cardiologist that i “probably have POTS”

so when i left the cardiologist the other day i wrote this up because i was very upset, felt dismissed, and took matters into my own hands to show what kind of medical concepts i’m capable of comprehending and the kind of language i want doctors to talk to me about my conditions in. and today i read it to my rheumatologist during today’s appointment:

the cardiologist says i have dysautonomia, “caused by dysfunction of the small blood vessels”. in the clinic, the nurse measured my laying vs standing blood pressure (which increased rather than decreased) but they didn’t do my heart rate there for some reason. but on my own i’ve measured my heart rate to jump above 30 bpm within 10 minutes of standing, so with all the symptoms lining up exactly with what’s expected of POTS (heart rate increase greater than 30 bpm within 10 minutes of standing, no drop in blood pressure, lightheadedness, brain fog, palpitations, prolonged fatigue, heat intolerance, excessive sweating etc), i’m convinced that the type of dysautonomia i specifically have is POTS, not just the umbrella term “dysautonomia”, and the specific brand of POTS i have is the neuropathic POTS subtype which is thought to be caused by sympathetic denervation (partial autonomic neuropathy) in the lower extremities. this causes the blood vessels in my legs not to constrict as they should when standing, which in turn causes blood to pool in the legs and not return to the heart, causing the heart to have to source its blood supply from elsewhere in the meantime to compensate (with an overall lower venous return), driving up the heart rate and causing lightheadedness. my blood tests also showed i am also very slightly anemic by 0.1 point below the normal range (11.6 g/dL) the resulting denervation hypersensitivity from the sympathetic denervation what is thought to cause erythromelalgia—which i express all the hallmark symptoms of as well in my feet (redness, increased skin temperature, burning sensation (feels like walking on a hot pool deck), cold to touch and bluish purple when not actively flaring, flaring occurs at night, symptoms worsen with exposure to heat and exercise (including walking on feet while flaring) and are relieved with cooling and elevation). i have no response to the cold unlike with what is seen in raynauds. i actually consider cold exposure my savior; the heat is my worst enemy, it makes me feel faint and lightheaded dysautonomia-wise and it makes my feet flare up rheumatologically.

“Several previous investigations have provided clues that patients with the postural tachycardia syndrome have peripheral autonomic dysfunction. Streeten et al. found that patients with orthostatic tachycardia had excessive venous pooling in the legs while standing and suggested that denervation of the legs was a mechanism of the syndrome. This hypothesis was supported by the finding of hypersensitivity to infusion of norepinephrine into the veins of the foot, despite high plasma catecholamine concentrations. [...] These stimuli increased norepinephrine spillover in the arms of both the patients with the postural tachycardia syndrome and the normal subjects, with similar increases in the two groups, but failed to increase norepinephrine spillover in the legs of the patients. [...] The reduced clearance of norepinephrine in the legs, without a similar reduction in the arms, may result from impairment of norepinephrine-reuptake mechanisms due to isolated damage to nerve terminals in the legs. [...] CONCLUSIONS: The neuropathic postural tachycardia syndrome results from partial sympathetic denervation, especially in the legs.” — (https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJM200010053431404)

“The laser Doppler flowmetry signal after sympathetic stimulation of reflexes mediated through the central nervous system, was significantly diminished in patients with erythromelalgia as compared with healthy controls. [...] Vasoconstrictor responses involving central sympathetic reflexes were attenuated in erythromelalgia. Local neurogenic vasoconstrictor regulation, vasodilator response to local heating and hyperemic response to ischemia were maintained. [...] The finding of reduced skin perfusion before provocation is in accordance with the clinical observations that many erythromelalgia patients exhibit cold acral skin between attacks. [...] These results indicate that postganglionic sympathetic dysfunction and denervation hypersensitivity may play a pathogenetic role in primary erythromelalgia.” — (https://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S0022-202X(15)41629-X)

“Denervation hypersensitivity is a phenomenon peculiar to smooth muscle innervated by the general visceral efferent system. Following denervation there is increased sensitivity of the muscle to neurotransmitters. This is evident in smooth muscle innervated by sympathetic neurons when the postganglionic axon is affected. Such denervated muscle shows hypersensitivity to the application of epinephrine or to circulating epinephrine released during excitement.” — (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/B9780721605616500198)

although my rheumatologist is in no position to give me a POTS diagnosis she very much agreed with the connections i made and said she thinks i am right on the mark with my conditions. she told me im a real academic patient and even that i’d be well suited for going into medicine lol. not only is it refreshing to have a doctor that doesn’t disregard their patient’s knowledge, but it’s good to see what i’ve learned about nerves from my biopsych classes (and in my own time for funsies) paying off in ways concerning my health. my mom who is a nurse also agrees that neuropathic POTS and erythromelalgia are what i have.

anyway the POTS symptoms have been a massive thing for me since puberty and the erythromelalgia developed a year or so after my POTS symptoms started. but i’ve always had freezing cold clammy hands and feet since i was a young child, they just hadn’t started changing colors and flaring until after i hit puberty. i’m not sure what destroyed the sympathetic nerve fibers in my legs (as most POTS happens in teenagers due to some viral illness but i’ve never had that?), i was also just tested for a bunch of autoimmune factors and disorders and my results came back negative. maybe it’s just a genetic factor, who knows, probably something caused by a hormone’s cascading effect gone awry at some point. it seems a lot of autistic afab people have POTS or some other type of dysautonomia for some reason and i’m curious as to why.

anyway i’m really stuck in a liminal space because i have no official diagnosis beyond “dysautonomia” but i’ve been sure of what it is for like over a year and it keeps getting clearer and clearer that i was right all along

[dystopia-fantasy]

Always read the job description -Part 1

Max was a fit, well built man. He had been body building since he was 14 and now In his early 40s he has the body of a god, but is slowly getting to the age when he needs to find another way to make money. He knows he can't take part in his competitions anymore, and needs to take it easy. He got great grades in school and college, proving people wrong that you can't be a nerd in a jock body.

Max had some money saved and was able to keep up on bills for a few months but needed a job to keep his large house, in the rich area of the city. He got a call from a business he applied to a couple of days ago, telling him to go in for an interview tomorrow, and if it goes well he will be sent straight on a trip for the company. He gets his new blue suit ready to be worn the next day.

The morning arrives, it's 5am, and Max wakes. He does his normal morning routine, making breakfast, working out, taking a shower, then gets his suit on ready for his early morning interview. Driving to the office building in the middle of New York, it's at least 50 stories high, and is made of mostly glass, and is one of the newest modern builds in the city.

On arrival a large man in his late 60s wearing a suit greets him, "hello sir, you must be max, Sir Mammon is on his way down to collect you, may I say what an amazing suit you have on today".

Max looks the man up and down, seeing the man's huge belly flowing out from under his dress shirt, showing a massive W shape, "thanks mate, you might want a bigger shirt" then points to his belly.

"sorry if I offended you sir, but all clothing has been chosen by Sir Mammon himself" Mammon is the big boss of the business "if you would like to make a complaint I can print you a form".

Max laughs, "No thanks, I'm gonna sit over there, tell Mammon im there".

"will do sir, have a great day" the man says while max walks away paying no more attention to him.

About 15 minutes later a young handsome slender man walks over. "Max is it?" He says behind Max.

"yes.." max says confused.

"I'm Mammon, nice to meet you" he smiles holding his hand out for a shake.

"oh hello Mammon, is wasn't expecting someone so young, no offence of course" max shaking his hand.

Mammon let's out a little laugh, with a little grin "it's ok max, people don't expect someone like me to own such a remarkable company like this one would you like to follow me, we can go up to my office, this is Mark by the way, he's my Butler". Mark is another large man aged around 50, he has a massive belly stuffed into his suit, hes huffing and puffing, like he ran a marithon, "don't mind him, most of my staff are..."

Max cuts him off "fat?"

They both laugh, "you could say that Max" the elevator arrives and they all walk in, "now max, you did read the whole advertisement correct?".

Max didn't, it's was 48 pages long, who would read it all? He just looked at the wage he would get, it started at $100,000 per month. "Yes, I did".

"that's good, most guys are more keen to keep their body's but I guess if your struggling you'll do anything."

Max now confused just nod's and watches though the glass elevator as they fly up to the top floor.

"where here sir" Mark the butler says peacefully in his British accent.

They walk into the room, and Mammon sits at his desk pouring himself a glass of wisky, and Max one too. Max looks around in aww, the room was covered in art work, with the walls painted in golds and whites and had its own bar. "How do you have all this money?" Max asked.

"a mix of many things, this company, and a few investments paid for this whole building, I have many other ways but we're not here for that." Mammon points at the seat," take a seat max" Max sits the chair is made from leather and is very comfy. "So, max, I've gone through your file, I think you're perfect for the job."

"so, does that mean I have the job?" Max replies confused, expecting to be asked a question.

"well yes, if you agree to the terms"

"terms?" Max still confused.

"well yes, you expect to be paid 10times the amount the normal person for this job without any terms or conditions?"

"well I didn't know.." Max gets cut off.

"Max let me simplify them for you. You sacrifice your body to the company, and in trade you get, $100k X the amount you weigh paid into your account per month, So if you weigh 450lbs, you get $450k a month."

"what the fuck? That's sick, I'm not doing that, I'm leaving" and with that Max got up from the chair and stood face to face with Mammon, with the desk all that is separating them. "Your sick, you fa**ot".

With that Mammon's eyes glow a bright red. "I'm a what?" Max got through back against the chair by an invisible force. "Max you could have just left with your freedom, but now look what you've gotten yourself into".

"Let me go, What the fuck?" Max says while traped against that chair, it chreeking with the force of his muscle.

"I'm a fucking demon max, I'm never going to 'let you go'" he took a second break to mock max, "now, what did you say? Fa**ot, was it?".

"fuck, I didn't mean it" the force pins him down harder, trapping his arms against the leather chair arms, and pushing his legs against the underboard. "Please let me go home, I won't do it again."

"shut up max, the process is already starting".

Max looks down to see his body deflating, his pecs turning from mountain peaks to a flat surface, his giant powerful arms turning weak and light. And then looking up he sees a whole new man infront of him.

"Not as big as I thought I would get, but boy I'm big" he took a break to admire his new giant arms and pecs.

"what the?" Max looks in confusion, "how did you do that? Give me them back".

"what are you gonna do max? I'm an infinitely powerful being and you, your an old man, or at least your going to be."

"I'm only 42, what do you mean, going to be?"

"you see I don't have my infinite life span on earth, so to stay alive and in this fit body, I absorb anything a guy has and I want. In your case, these massive muscles, but then I need to absorb their life force as well, in order to make sure I don't age."

"what do you mean life force?"

"well, you have roughly 50 years, worth of life left, I'll drain about 20 years leaving you in your future crippled body at around age 60, force you to work for the company for another 20 years, then when your 80 drain the rest of your life, which after you get fat won't be much, then you got to hell."

"man your sick, let me go, LET ME GO!".

A bright red light shoots from Peters hand enveloping Max's whole body, and he starts to age, his face wrinkling, skin dropping, eye sight worsening, hearing getting muffled, and mind changing a little. "Max, you ok old man?".

"yes sir" max was confused in his mind, why did he say sir?

"max, you ready for your Cruise? You can have tones of food for the next 6 months."

"Yes sir, I'm ready" max lifts his head, opening his eyes to see a new blurry room from his new old eyes.

"you're gonna need these from now on" Peters eyes glow and a new pair of glasses appear on Max's face he can now see clear.

"thank you... Sir", max blinks seeing Peter infront of him, "what have you, done to me".

"Max, I've turned you into the perfect office worker, old, brainiac, who is soon going to get fat and live the rest of his life, in an office chair for me, don't worry for accomodation you live here now, we have apartments on floor 30 to 40, all workers live here, it's policy, we have also sent a team to your house to, well, blow it up, that way nobody is going to be looking for you, becuase we can plant a body"

"give me... My.... Body back, give me... My.. life back."

"Max we both know that will never happen, now enjoy a life of gluttony, and prepare yourself for hell, that's gonna be worse then anything I can do to you." Peter snaped his fingers and a red glow enveloped max.

Recovering from the glow max sees two men infront of him with a trolly of sorts between them. "Is he awake" one says,

"I don't know" said the other.

"im- awake" max said in a much older raspy voice.

"good we can now start the feeding" the man on the left said, his body as muscled as a god, ripped from head to toe, and we can see everything.

Max rubs his eyes under his glasses and opens them again, "Fucking hell, put some clothes on both of you".

Both men where nude, one a ripped god, another muscled up but with a big gut. "Clothes are banned here mate" the beefy man said in a type of Australia accent, "you cant say much fella, look at that tiny pecker".

The men laughed pointing at Max's shriveled up old cock and low hanging balls, "what the fuck"max tries to move his arm to cover him but his arm doesn't move, he looks down to see him stuck in a chair, with a cut out hole under his ass, and straps tying him down, trapping him. "What... Are you gonna do to me?" Max asked sceared.

The men laughed at him again, "no need to act to sceared, we're here to feed you for the next 6 months".

"but... Sir said..." Max get cut off.

"he said you'd be going on a cruise? Fucking hell are you dumb? He's a demon, you shouldn't trust a demon" The muscled guy says.

"bro let's start the feeding we have 50 other guys to see and I wanna watch football Tonight." The beefy guys says, and in unison both their eyes glowed a bright red, showing they where demons too.

The trolly between them had several items on top, one long tube, which floated in the air for a few moments before shoving itself down maxes nostril and deep into his stomach, his head flipped back trying to wriggle it out, but it was stuck. Another item moved into his frame, a IV bag holder, holding a giant barrel type object made of glass, and two large bags floated of the table again and started to drain into the barrel, and the tube connected itself to it, starting a flow of the liquid into maxes stomach.

"done" the beffy guy said. "Now we'll be back tomorrow to refill your barrel, and clean you up if you make a mess, but youll basically be unconscious for the next 6 months, due to the drugs were feeding you."

"so enjoy your sleep mate, you'll litterally wake up a different man." The two men laughed and walked out, max tried fighting the restraints but in his crippled form could do nothing. The door slammed and locked, and the room fell dark, max screamed begging into the darkness to be let free, and to have his life back, which he had only an hour before, but nothing happened, nobody came. He felt the drugs taking effect, but tried to fight back, but it was useless, his body slumped and loosened. His mind fell blank as he drifted of into his 6 month hibernation.

[yoshichiii]

survive | 윤재혁

"save me doc, i still need to love you." "then survive for me."

TW// surgery, mention of death. (if your uncomfy, you shouldn't read!!)

jaehyuk was a regular paitent in the hospital, he has an illness that kept him going to the hospital, he once hated going to the hospital cause it's boring and he always had to deal with the stupid white walls around him.

not until his new doctor came, y/n she was the one who goes to his room to check his vitals, when they first met jaehyuk was annoyed and was texting his friends about how the hospital was so boring and he cant hang out with them.

y/n cleared her throat to get jaehyuk's attention, and jaehyuk just put out his arm expecting that his BP is gonna be checked and his eyes were focused on his phone.

y/n didn't mind that cause she was actually gonna check his blood pressure, so she did it was normal so she informed jaehyuk about it. "It's normal sir." she put down her mask and wrote down his BP results.

jaehyuk looked at the doctor who was busy listing his results, his eyes were wide because she was so beautiful, too beautiful to be a doctor, so he smirked "why hello there miss beautiful." y/n looked at jaehyuk and smiled "thanks, i gotta go." Then she left his room.

"ill get you one day." he smirked and continued texting his friends, from that day he kept on flirting at his doctor and y/n apparently got his attention and they started to be friends.

whenever y/n stops by its either she'll check his vitals or eat with him or visit him even if its not her time to check his vitals.

one day, y/n came to jaehyuk's room with an upset face and approached jaehyuk's bed "why? what's the matter miss beautiful?" "jae...your condition is getting worse, you need to take surgery...if not your gonna .." "i know." he sadly smiled and took her hand "but im taking the surgery."

he said, "I don't wanna die, i still have to love you miss beautiful." "but, there's-" "shh, ill survive for you." "you think you can do that jae?" "i will, just trust me okay miss beautiful?" she nodded and jaehyuk patted her head.

days later, it was the day of his surgery and y/n was there walking beside his bed jaehyuk took her hand and smiled and mouthed "i love you, miss beautiful."

"survive for me." jaehyuk then went to the surgery room and the surgery started.

hours later y/n was waiting outside the surgen went out of the surgery room "doc, did he survive?" y/n asked anxiously "he did, he's gonna wake up tomorrow." the surgen smiled and left.

the surgery room doors open to see jaehyuk sleeping peacefully. and so, y/n folllowed them on his room and she stayed until tomorrow.

the next day, y/n was sleeping and she felt a hand on her head patting it y/n woke up seeing jaehyuk's smile.

"hi miss beautiful, i told you ill survive." he smiled "Thank God." "i love you, miss beautiful." "i love you too, jae."

WELL THAT ENDED WELL, UHH i know I've been inactive heree sooo ummm sorryyyy HAHAHAHAHA i love you guys i hope yall enjoyed!! (also just tagging this gal @lyjikyu) i love you guyssss enjoy!!!!!!

[badfey]

is there anything u wish u had known pre-top surgery? I’m trying to schedule mine next yr and I’m worried I rushed into picking my surgeon even tho I looked at a Lot. I’ve got a list of questions to ask but curious if there’s anything you can think of! Thanks, if u get a chance to reply 🥺

firstly congrats and good luck with your top surgery, i hope the wait goes quickly!!

There were a lot of things i wasn’t expecting about top surgery - not necessarily that i wish i’d known in advance, just that i didn’t anticipate. I wrote a document of them not long after surgery which ill post soon and link back to here :) right now ill go through the main stuff i wish i had known, and any questions i had (under a cut because it got long)

Stuff I Wish I’d Known

Some of this depends on how your surgeon does things. I had 6 days before my post-op appointment w chest reveal. 

That first week is tough. Ymmv, but for me it was really hard. I knew that post-op depression was a thing, i didn’t realise what it would feel like. For me it was a lot of being tired and not being able to sleep because of not being able to get comfortable (having to sleep elevated for a few days & pain), so getting more tired and bored but too fatigued to do anything in that classic frustrating cycle. Once i slept decently for the first time i felt human again (nytol is a lifesaver). It’s also tough bc ur sweaty n uncomfortable and u haven’t showered or taken off the post-op binder for a week, and with the dressings and swelling it doesn’t feel like its really happened yet? After chest reveal thats a lot easier

Sometimes moving around you’ll feel something like pull or pop and you get so so paranoid about pulling a stitch i seriously thought id pulled a stitch but its usually like the dressings adhesion or something, you don’t need to freak out. My best friend here was this uk trans fb group because i could search and find years of posts with ppl having the same problems, or ask and ppl would give advice and calm me down, so it’s good to join a community like that ready for if you inevitably get stressed about something (also good for post-op boredom)

You cant use your arms to move. Sounds obvious but like i never realised how much i reflexively rely on using arms to move sitting positions on a bed, and how you need to pay attention to override that impulse. 

Peeing after anesthetic is weirdly hard. It really helps if you practise consciously releasing the specific muscles to pee beforehand 

I was so hungry. I got fed sure (great food too) but i wish i had taken snacks. 

Questions to ask

Im gonna list some stuff that you may already know/have on your list but it might help fill any gaps :) 

When are your post-ops? Are they included in the surgery price? Mine were at 6 days (chest reveal) and 8 weeks (normally 6 weeks but my surgeon was on holiday lol) and both included in the price of surgery (which is standard for here i think). Its good to have rough timeframes in advance so you can plan around it.

Ask about revisions - are they included in the price, what is the timeframe you can get revisions for, how you would start the revision process if you need it? Hopefully you won’t need it but its important to know just in case & so you don’t need to worry about it. I think my surgeon got a bit touchy when I brought up revisions but i was just clear that if I’m getting this surgery and paying a lot of money for it i need to know this stuff in advance which as a professional he should be fine with.

Can you have a say in scar shape and/or nipple size? Usually you can, and this is often at the pre-op when they draw all over your chest before surgery. Don’t feel like you can't weigh in - this is your chest. Also even at consultation they might be able to give you an idea of what your scar/s will look like. 

If you’re getting nipple grafts, ask about their graft success rate!! I was super stressed about my nipples falling off, but my surgeon said that even though stats say about 10% of nipple grafts r unsuccessful, in practise he sees a much smaller percentage than that, and even ones that do reject often grow back (lmk if u wanna know more what i mean) or can just be easily touched up with tattooing. Also if theres anything they recommend for graft success.

Does your surgeon recommend using arnica? Arnica is a homeopathic remedy for bruising, swelling, and wound healing. There’s differing views on whether it actually works, but in my case i took arnica tablets 1 week before and 2 weeks post-op and i think it really helped. They also tasted nice. Some people use arnica gel to aid healing once you can start massaging. 

Where will you be for overnight recovery? Will you be on a ward or in a room? Do you have access to a TV? Do you have access to a plug socket or charging point? Do you get wifi? Chances are you’ll be bored at some point over the time you’re in there, especially if you struggle sleeping. It’s good to know whats available in advance so you can come with things to keep you entertained. 

Does your surgeon use drains? You probably already know/have an idea of this bc its something a lot of ppl consider when choosing surgeons, buts its good to know if you don’t. Also, it can change - I chose my surgeon partially because he only uses overnight drains so you don’t have to deal with them in recovery. When i was there i found out he has stopped using drains altogether for smaller guys so i never actually had them (pleasant surprise). 

Does your surgeon want you to wear a post-op binder? Do they supply the binder? Post-op binders r a good idea they stop swelling soo much, so even if your surgeon doesn’t recommend it i’d definitely ask if it’d be safe for you to wear one. You can't wear regular binders. If you’re sourcing your own, again trans groups r great bc they can give local recs and lots of people sell/pass on their old ones. I am happy to give anyone recs, but they’re all uk based. 

How will you communicate with nurses post-op? Most people don’t live too near their top surgeon, so you’ll probably check-up remotely. I just sent nurses emails of my nips and incisions and anything i was worried about the healing of and they’d let me know if it looked okay. 

If you have any conditions/disabilities/illnesses, ask if they’ve ever operated on someone with them/similar before. I have fibro + hypermobility and tbh it was reassuring to hear him talk about experiences other patients with chronic pain had had before and how they coped.

Okay sorry that was really long, but its pretty much everything i could think of question wise! I hope it helps! Let me know if there’s any other questions you have at all :)