#how one psychologist described it as ‘everything about them is different. everything they do is special’

[hyperfixationstation128]

I'm sure this has been said before, but I'm of the opinion that Gale didn't love Mystra. Not really, anyway.

"But, Hyper!" You cry, "He tells the player flat out that he was in love with her! What are you talking about?"

Well, allow me to shed a little light on what it is I mean.

It's pretty much unanimously agreed within the fandom that Gale is Autistic, which I find awesome. He's such a great source of representation for those of us who've been through similar experiences and relate to his personality. Those of us with Autism know the frustration of being portrayed as "the weird kid", "the manic pixie dream girl" or even as non-verbal people with a propensity towards violence with our meltdowns. Fun fact: not every person with Autism has "violent meltdowns", some of us go through what's called a shutdown, where we become non-verbal, secluded and kinda "stop working".

"Okay, okay, that's cool and all, but what do you mean by Gale didn't love Mystra?"

I applaud your enthusiasm and am going to explain now. As someone with Autism, someone who's been researching the topic for years, and someone with immediate family members who are on vastly different sides of the spectrum, I can say with about 95% confidence that Gale did not love Mystra... not for real, anyway. He had what is called "Limerence".

Well, why don't we turn to the internet to look up the definition of the word. "Limerence is a psychological state characterized by an intense, all-consuming romantic infatuation. It is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which an individual feels an overwhelming desire for another person, known as the “limerent object.” This state was first defined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s."

Now, the act of limerence is completely involuntary and could happen to anyone, neurodivergent or neurotypical! However, based on anecdotal evidence, it appears to affect women with Autism more than anyone else. When you experience limerence with someone, they become everything to you. You are completely obsessed with them, they can do no wrong in your eyes, they are everything to you.

Sound familiar? The way Gale describes how he viewed Mystra is unmistakably Limerence, at least in my opinion. And if you aren't convinced, allow me to be vulnerable for a minute and share a personal story on my experience with Limerence.

I was about 12 or 13 when I first met my friend, let's call her Tina. Now, Tina was that one girl in school who loved anime, played the violin, and made incredible art. From the first moment I met her, I was smitten. And this went far beyond a normal teenage crush. I was obsessed with her, her opinion, her tastes, her likes and dislikes. I was so in love (I thought) that once stole my late grandmother's wedding ring and gifted it to her. I devoted every breath in my body to her, every fiber of my being. We were friends for years and even dated for a while. In my mind, we were meant to be. We got along great, she was funny, silly, and so incredibly talented. What I didn't know - or maybe didn't want to believe - was she didn't feel the same way.

"But, Hyper! Isn't that just unrequited love?" No, dear reader... 'tis not. Limerence is not love, no matter how much you may want it to be; no matter how deep your feelings feel like they are. Limerence is an unhealthy obsession and there is typically very little one can do to sway oneself from their "object of desire". In the mind of the person with Limerence, there's nothing else in the world except the person they're obsessing over.

Now, there are three stages to Limerence: Infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration, which all seem pretty self-explanatory, but I'll explain further for those of you who don't know.

Infatuation: The first time you notice the other person's positive qualities. Their eyes, their smile, their abilities/talents.

Crystallization: The "obsessive" part of the act. Where you feel a heightened sense of anxiety, walking on eggshells to avoid any "turn-offs" around the other person. You may find yourself thinking about them to the point where it's affecting your normal, daily life.

Deterioration: When the intensity of your feelings begin to wane, and you no longer find yourself attracted to or wanting the attention of the person you were pursuing. In my experience, this is the worst part of Limerence as it usually blew up in my face.

Now, you may be thinking something along the lines of "Okay, but how does this relate to Gale?" or "Are you trying to imply that Gale was abusive towards Mystra? That's ridiculous and you suck!!!" and you're right. I do suck. But I'm not implying that Gale was abusive towards Mystra. Given the fact that she's a literal goddess, it's impossible for that to have happened. What I'm implying is that how Gale viewed Mystra for the time that he was with her was not genuine, true love like how he has with Tav.

This post got way longer than I originally anticipated and I'd love to write a full-length essay on this someday, but I feel I've assaulted y'all's brains with enough jargon for now. If you guy wanna hear more of my thoughts on this particular subject, I'd be more than happy to oblige.

Please feel free to keep the discussion going in the comments or your own post! I adore Gale and discussing things like these regarding his character and personality is my bread and damn butter.

[stem-sister-scuffle]

STEM SISTER SCUFFLE: ROUND 1 MASHUP 9

Mercymorn The First (The Locked Tomb) vs GLaDOS (Portal)

Mercymorn The First is a Cryogenics Scientist and Anatomist!

GLaDOS is a Quantum Physicist and Behavioural Psychologist!

Why you should vote for each contestant:

Mercymorn The First:

"Scientist working on human cryogenics/necromancy. She's a genius in a codependent toxic polycule with God."

"Fits the criteria for STEM (science, tech, engineering, math (specifically science)), and also Quirky STEM (stabbing, tearing, eating, maiming). She was a scientist trying to save humanity from global warming, before one of her science buddies became a necromancer and killed the entire world. Now she’s the meanest lady ever and had a threesome with god. Also she got ultra exploded (also by god)"

"She was trying very, very hard to save humanity! She was aiming to preserve people for an interstellar voyage, so that humans could survive the end of the world. It didn't work out and the project got shut down, but after the world ended she pioneered the field of necromantic healing and was known as the foremost anatomical expert among God's Lyctors. She says ick! bleh! out loud when she's disgusted. Also she's much, much more ethical than most people in the series."

"She was a doctor that joined several of her friends, most of whom were other STEM people and a few who weren't, in trying to convince the governments of the world to make an active plan to save the world from climate change. This ended up with one of them destroying the solar system and everything in it, resurrecting it all, and becoming God. She was resurrected as one of his Saints, and continued to use her medical knowledge to become an anatomy specialist and as a key part of a plan between her and another of their friends to take down God for being a tyrant. She might have been an OBGYN but I can't remember if that's actually canon. Also, she has naturally "apricot-colored" (so, pink) hair."

"She was a Regular Doctor working to save humanity from climate change but got resurrected by her friend after he ended the world and became a powerful goddess-like figure. She uses her knowledge of human anatomy to do crazy flesh magic including making her hair naturally pink just for funsies (iconic). She doesn't put up with any bullshit from anyone, including the universe's ostensible god. I love her"

"It's not specifically described but she was the medical support in a cryosleep project, and she knows enough later to have artificially created a baby without either of the biological parents knowing about it

She's the worst and I love her. Here's a description of her in Harrow the Ninth:

You could press your hand to Ianthe’s chest, if you wanted—which you didn’t, naturally—and the blood-warm sternum beneath would gradually unfold for you. But it would take effort, and close contact, and you would need to know the sternum.

Mercymorn the First knew the sternum. Mercymorn the First knew the pericardial fat, the soft-tissue secrets of the mediastinum, the false-heart shape of the thymus. You might have to press your whole palm to Ianthe’s breastbone—doubtless—and take valuable seconds to search out the bone, and the things behind the bone, their characters, their locations. Mercymorn could pinpoint your pineal gland with the merest touch to the skull. This was not due to some Lyctoral power that she alone possessed, no honed necromantic theorem; as God had told you, she had simply memorised the body, by rote, over the course of ten thousand years. She had studied the measurements and their range of differences, and on the rare occasions when she needed to assume where something was or how it worked, her assumptions had the accuracy of ten thousand years’ experience. What Mercy didn’t know about the body wasn’t just not worth knowing, said the Emperor; if she didn’t know it, it hadn’t existed previously.

Over the dinner table you asked Augustine why, if it was simply a matter of memory, he hadn’t done the same thing. Ianthe choked discreetly on a forkful of boiled flour-paste shapes in red sauce. “Lord! I can barely remember what I had for lunch last week,” he said. “Besides, anatomy has too narrow an application.” Mercymorn opened her mouth, hurricane eyes promising a coastal lashing, and said, “Application!” but Augustine said, languidly— “One would only really need it to kill Lyctors, Harrowhark, and the rest of us never evinced any interest in that.”

That broke up the dinner somewhat.

This is her and I love her dearly

https://youtu.be/pvJOuUJNcx8"

GLaDOS:

"i’m not sure how to explain this one. she’s an evil computer who makes a woman do fucked up tasks that all involve a portal gun in some way. evil computer woman i love you :3"

"She's witty, fun, they had to restrain her intelligence and it didn't work-"

"She should be able to kill everyone forever. Anyways she runs aperture she loves science so much it transcended lives and identity. It’s just what she does"

"she kills people 👍 shes cool and i like her"

"…. I mean she’s categorically not but it would be funny to include her. Again, it would be Very Funny"

"mad scientist robot representation with a complex emotional arc through multiple video games"

"She might not know what the point of her tests are, but she sure is good at making them. Bonus points for being hot"

"Managed a massive and highly advanced scientific facility in which she ran tests and experiments long after the fall of human civilization. Chell/GLaDOS <3"

"She’s GLaDOS"

[taboo-delusion]

So, I just discovered something interesting.

This is a bit of a long one, so bear with me. It's important. Seriously.

I just woke up a few hours ago. My meds are starting to kick in. I was having a very serious and genuine, deep conversation (in-head) and it was... beautiful. It wasn't happy, but it was beautiful. Not the point.

Point is:

I had not had a single fucking intrusive thought today until someone made a noise in the other room.

I am so fucking PISSED OFF

Why my brain refuses to realize that intrusive thoughts CAUSED the good feeling to go away, I have no fucking idea. I've known that for almost a year now, yet my stupid fucking subconscious refuses to change anything it's doing

Before I snap my fucking android phone in half and yeet somebody's face into neptune, I thought I'd share the discovery!!!!

Basically:

MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DID NOT START UNTIL SOMETHING STARTLED ME OUT OF FOCUS

AS I TYPE THIS, I REALIZE THAT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS -AT LEAST FOR ADHDERS- ARE A SURVIVAL TACTIC.

Elaborating:

When you fall asleep and your heart slows too much, your body does the falling thing to make sure you're still alive.

It's not that intrusive thoughts are *Just* because your brain gets too quiet, It's because your life has never been completely quite before, or -like me- the few times it is quiet, something interrupts. And even if it doesn't piss you off, even if you don't jump like I do, your brain still registers it as not safe.

--

Falling asleep, heart slows a lot-

Body: *Sends adrenaline just to make sure it still actually works.*

Drowning, even mostly unconscious-

Body and brain: *Hold onto that last half-breath even if it feels like you're head is going to explode.*

Going grocery shopping or talking to someone you think is cool-

Brain: *Remembers what it felt like the first time your guardian was indifferent or mean about something that made you happy or calm.*

Things around you actually get quiet-

Brain *Sends a thought you hate just to make sure you're prepared for a sudden problem.*

TDLR 1: Your brain isn't mean on purpose, It's just paranoid and still has a will to live.

Listen. I know I'm just some random dude from a weird blog. But I'm trying to translate, to assist. Maybe somebody else needs this realization as much as I do. I apologize for the yelling earlier. I'm still just as upset, but only at my dumbass subconscious. Now some time has passed, and I have regained self-control.

(I also apologize for the above paragraph, my brain nags for me to do this, but I can't remember why. So:)

I am no psychologist. Here are my qualifications (why you should listen to me):

As my friends call it- "Disturbingly self-aware at all times."

Paranoid Schizophrenic with actual (unrelated) OCD, with years of experience dealing with it- more healthily in recent years.

Philosophy and deep thinking is simply my default. I use metaphors, but everything in this post is entirely literal, ...except the angry threat. (*begrudgingly accepts disappointment*)

I am a fiction writer. I don't know about healing people/first aid, but I know a LOT about how anatomy works, with many deep-dives on the psychology/evolution side.

People irl generally consider me a genius? Idk how to gauge that, IQ tests are irrelevant with this type of... smart?. I've been compared to both Da Vinci and Einstein. So, ...actually that's pretty fuckin' cool- (I AM NOT TRYING TO BRAG! I APOLOGIZE IF IT COMES OFF THAT WAY! I've never put it all down like this, and I'm just surprised and questioning my reputation.)

(Also, I love playing detective, so naturally I call myself Batman XD.)

Autistic; I experience the world, and every situation, from a view without any context.

ADHD: My brain automatically -As a guardian I hate describes- "Can watch three different movies at the same time, all in fast forward, and can keep up with all of them." ... Well, yes, but technically no. Idk if other ADHD people do this, but my brain "connects the dots" so quickly, I end up laughing at jokes I've never heard before the 'punchline', because I've already figured out what you're going to say next.

Now combine all that. I am kicking depression's ass and now I want to help you do the same.

I have only mentioned the relevant things. Please keep in mind that ALL of these have both advantages and disasters. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I am running on four hours of sleep. For the love of whatever, I hope this actually helps someone other than me.

Qualifications are noted because: This is all stuff (and stuff like this) that I am just always casually aware of.

TLDR2: Even if I wasn't trying to help people feel better, Apparently I was born with a nat 20 perception/insight check, so please don't argue that I truly understand what I'm talking about here.

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

The Uncanny Valley: Final Part

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.6k

Summary: Therapy isn't something you're taking too well, but if you want to keep your job, you'll continue to go. you're forced to confront thoughts and memories of your own family when you come across the father of the unsub.

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Season Five Masterlist

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them.

x

If drugs are being used, then a doctor might know something about it that the team won't. Rossi calls in a doctor who is around all different types of drugs to get a professional opinion on the case.

"So, doctor, if a diabetic were given this battery of drugs to keep her paralyzed, what would the reaction be?"

"Diabetics metabolize everything they consume differently which includes drugs. It all gets broken down to blood sugar at varying rates. Most likely, this patient seized up minutes after she was medicated."

"You're saying she's already dead?"

"Probably. Although, there is another possibility. Bethany's condition could break down the drugs faster than the other victims. She might regain control of her body. Every hour that she doesn't turn up is a reason for hope."

"We're still running out of time. If the drugs don't kill Bethany, she's not gonna last long without insulin."

You and Spencer take it upon yourself to talk to a collector to try and get into the mindset of someone like the unsub. There is a store in town that is owned by a collector who likes to sell some of his things and give them to other people who are collecting the same things he is. Spencer breaks down the situation you're in without giving too much information away. He's still a civilian who doesn't need to know police business.

"Look, collectors are good, honest people. Just because you enjoy dolls doesn't make you a freak or a pedophile."

"We appreciate that sir, but the woman that we're looking for has lost her ability to control her obsession. She's killed three women trying to recreate a type of doll she had a child."

"Describe the line to me."

"There's a pattern to the victims. They're all in their twenties and petite."

"Most doll lines revolve around infants. Is she dressing them like babies?"

"No, she's not." Spencer looks at you to see you studying the things he has in his store. You're not touching anything but you are fiddling with your fingers as you look. "Their wardrobe consists of chiffon dresses worn by one blond woman, a redhead, and a black woman."

"Is she sewing the dresses herself?"

"How did you know that?"

The store owner goes around the counter and takes out a big book of dolls. He flips through the pages to the ones he thinks are the ones the unsub is trying to recreate.

"It's the Valois line. They were a local company back in the late eighties. They promoted feminism and multiculturalism. Strong, independent girls from different backgrounds who could still be friends."

"Y/N, check this out." You walk over to Spencer and study the contents of the book. "Each doll has a birth certificate to fill out, a form to describe their lives, and a kit to sew your own clothes."

"JJ said she's been at this for a while. She's probably been sewing since she was a little kid."

"Wait a minute. Sir, what's this contest that they held?" Spencer asks when he sees an ad in the book.

"That was to see who could come up with the most imaginative doll. Sew a dress and write an essay to describe her. If you won the contest, you'd have your doll featured in next year's line."

"That didn't end well, did it?"

"No."

"It's a classic tool child psychologists use. Tell me a story with these dolls sort of way."

"When the company got essays with thinly veiled references to physical or sexual abuse, they turned the entry forms and the dolls over to the police. The publicity killed the line."

"You said the company was local, right? They might still have the clothes in evidence."

The detective was able to get the dolls that were in evidence once you asked him to. By the time you got back to the station, Derek was reading some of the essays while JJ and Emily were inspecting the dolls. You used to have a doll like that when you were a child. Your dad gave you one to dress up with doll clothes. You didn't have the skill to sew and it's not like your parents were gonna do that for you.

You grab one of the dolls and think back to your childhood. You got a lot of dolls, in fact.

"How are the essays going?" Spencer asks Derek.

"It makes for some pretty depressing reading. Prentiss is having a good time."

"Hey, these dolls are like little time capsules only eighties fashion wasn't so kind to them. I'm surprised how many little girls knew how to make shoulder pads. How's it going on your end, JJ?"

"I got a list of vendors the victims went to--tailors and seamstresses, that sort of thing."

"JJ, you said something about a handkerchief hem, right?" Emily asks.

Emily shows her the hem on some of the clothes on the dolls.

"That's exactly like what she sews for her victims."

"What's the name on the entry?"

"Samantha Malcolm."

"She's on my list," JJ says.

"Wait a minute, guys. I have her essay around here somewhere." He looks for it. "Right here. 'Sally doesn't like the room with the lightning.' That can't be good."

You take out your phone and call Penelope to get information on Samatha.

"Okay guys, I just got Samantha's medical records. Oh, my god, she was doomed. Like Emily Bronte doomed, like Shakespeare doomed."

"What happened to her?" Hotch asks.

"Right. For the first ten years, nothing. Then, she starts a battery of electroshock treatments."

"At ten? Who subjects a child to ECT?" Spencer wonders.

"That would be her father, Dr. Arthur Malcolm. He runs an inpatient mental health facility for troubled young people called New Lives. At first, the essay that Samantha wrote raised some flags, but her father explained that the therapy was to deal with the recent death of her mother. After that, he started her on a serious regimen of anti-psychotic drugs which he weaned her off of a few years ago."

"It explains her familiarity with medication. Where is she now?"

"Her father declared her incompetent so he's still the legal guardian. Everything is in his name, and all of her records list New Lives as her residence."

"She can't keep victims in an inpatient facility. She needs privacy. Garcia, what about real estate holdings in her father's name?"

"Just his own, but New Lives has a bunch of outpatient and halfway houses all over town."

"JJ, where does she work?"

She checks her list. "I have her placed at three different shops around town."

"Alright, let's split up and cover the shops and the facility."

"I want to go to New Lives," Spencer says. "Whether or not she's there, I want to talk to the father. There are literally hundreds of therapies to help kids through loss. Electroshock is not one of them."

"Take Rossi and Y/N," Hotch says.

Rossi drives both of you to Arthur's facility that's right smack dab in the middle of town. You step out of the car and feel the sense that someone is watching you. You look around and know Samantha is out there. She's close whether on purpose or just passing through.

"What is it?" Spencer asks.

"She's here. I feel her. I can't find her, though."

There are too many people walking around that her energy mixes with everyone else's. Rossi takes you two inside and gets approval to talk to Dr. Malcolm. The second you see the doctor, you freeze in your steps. He becomes blurry through your tears but neither Rossi nor Spencer notice you. Rossi begins explaining the situation briefly but you can't hear the words coming out of his mouth.

"I am very confused, gentlemen. What does this have to do with Samantha?"

"We need to talk to her. Is she here?"

"No, she's at work."

"Does she live here or did you move her into one of your halfway houses?"

"As a matter of fact, she is in one of my houses."

"We'll need the address."

"I need to know what this is about."

"She might be tied to a series of abductions."

"That's not possible. It's not my daughter," Dr. Malcolm shakes his head.

"Is Samantha on her own at this house? There are no other patients, right?"

"She thought that was best and I agreed."

Rossi looks back at Spencer and notices the painful look on your face.

"Y/N, are you okay?"

Spencer turns to look at you and grabs your hand to which you squeeze. The feeling and energy you're getting from Dr. Malcolm is the same one you got from your rapist. It's similar to the same feeling you've been getting with your dad recently, but you're not going to open that door.

"I know a child molester when I see one."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You subjected Samantha to electroshock therapy when she was ten. The effects of that would be permanent, especially at that age but you knew that, didn't you?"

"My wife died when Samantha was ten and she never recovered. I tried everything. Child psychiatry and pet therapy. Nothing helped. She was cutting herself. She was in pain. But I want to go back to the part where you're accusing me of being a child molester."

"Really? Okay. I noticed you have toys in your office. Why are they here?"

"I use them in my therapy."

"I understand that, but why are they on the top shelf away from where any kids can reach them?"

"They're reminders of patients that I've helped."

"Okay." You grab one of the toys from the shelf. "What was the name of the girl you helped with this one?"

"Jenny Larson."

You grab another one. "This one? What was the name of the girl you helped with this one?"

"Abigail Moore."

"How about this one?"

"Linda Krauss."

"I'm assuming these girls are nine or twelve, right?"

"My PhDs are on the effect of trauma on prepubescent girls. I do not appreciate what you're implying," he glares.

"I'm not implying anything. I'm making an inference. An inference is an educated guess, and based on that, I form a hypothesis. For instance, my hypothesis here is that after you raped your daughter, you submitted her to electroshock treatment to make sure she stayed quiet."

"This is outrageous!"

"Then, out of guilt, you bought her toys. More specifically, you bought her a line of dolls. Because that's what serial molesters do. They give gifts. So, you continued the pattern with your other patients and once they left your care, you added their toys to your collection."

You pause to think about your own situation. Your father gave you a bunch of toys to keep you happy. Maybe there is no correlation and you're reading into but you'd rather not think of your own father in that light.

"I'm sorry, you can't back up your story, Agent."

"This is why I love my job, doctor," you laugh. "The jury is your peers and the witnesses will be Jenny, Abagail, and Linda. The DA will put them on the stand and I'm going to personally bring these dolls in. We'll watch how they react." You start to raise your voice and slam your hand on his desk which scares him. "Not to mention your goddamn energy painting a not-so-pretty picture of you fucking these girls!"

Spencer pulls you back to help calm you down and Rossi steps in to take over.

"Or you could tell us where your daughter is, and we'll tell the DA you cooperated. Once we walk out this door, that deal comes off the table."

You turn to leave the room and Dr. Malcolm says something right before Spencer can leave.

"2529 Adams Street. You'll tell them, right? That I cooperated?"

"Where are the other toys? The collection isn't complete," you glare.

Dr. Malcolm has no choice but to give them up. He gives you the dolls he took from his daughter, the ones that made her start kidnapping in the first place. Rossi informs the rest of the team where to go, but Spencer thinks it's best if he goes in first. Samantha is mentally unstable so she needs to be approached delicately and carefully.

Spencer goes in knowing he can talk her down while you go in so you can help the girls she's taken.

"Samantha?" She is in the middle of taking care of her victims and she gasps when she hears Spencer's voice. As he is talking to her, you have your gun out and trained on her. "My name is Spencer and this is Y/N. We're with the FBI. I know what your father did to you, and I want you to know that he can never, ever hurt you again."

"He never touched me," she shakes her head. "He's a good father. He loves me."

You say the same thing about your father.

"I know that he probably forced you to say those things. He'd punish you if you got it wrong and send you to the room with the lightning."

"Yeah," she nods.

"The dolls that your father gave you after he hurt you, what would happen to them?"

"He kept them in his office with the other toys, but when I moved out, I had to take my friends with me. I couldn't leave them behind."

As he keeps her talking, you slowly move to the right to get closer to the girls who are begging you with their eyes.

"Of course. When you went to get them, what did you find? He gave them to another girl, didn't he?" She nods emotionally. "Do you want them back?"

"He said I couldn't. He said they were gone for good."

"He lied. He's been lying to you for a long time. Do you want to see them?"

"Can I?"

"Yeah." Spencer reveals he has the box of dolls and she immediately goes over to him. This is when you put your gun away and tend to the girls. "Do you want to play with them?

"Don't worry, you girls are safe," you say.

You take out each IV tube from each of the girl's arms. If they could cry, they would. Bethany is the one with diabetes so she is able to move a lot more. The drugs Samantha gave her wore of quickly.

"Thank you," she whispers.

"It's clear. We need medical in here," Spencer says into his earpiece. When the team comes into the house, Samantha panics that she isn't going to see her dolls again. "Hey, Samantha? You need to go with these men but your friends can go with you, okay?"

"They won't take them away?"

"I promise no one will ever take them away again."

She is taken away but she is happy because of her dolls.

"Well done, Agent Reid."

"Thanks."

Rossi goes over to you and wraps an arm around your shoulder for comfort.

"Are you okay?"

"No," you whisper painfully.

Another job well done. Another successful case. It doesn't feel that way. It feels like the world is caving in on you and you can't get to safety. You dread going to sleep but you know you have to at least try. Maybe this time you won't have another nightmare. That's the hope, right?

You're back here again. You're back in the same nightmare. The same car is on the side of the road where you're walking. Someone grabs you from behind. Who is it? It doesn't matter. You scream out for help. You kick and fight to get away. It's no use. Whoever grabbed you has a tight hold on you.

Help! Someone help! Anyone! No one is coming to help you. You're all alone. Spencer stands on the other side of the street just watching. Help! Spencer, please! He doesn't do anything but stands there watching you get dragged into the car.

Spencer!

"Y/N, wake up. You're having a nightmare."

You gasp awake and look around the room to make sure you're not actually inside that car. You're covered in sweat and tears.

"Spencer?"

"I'm right here. You're okay."

"No, I'm not," you sob. You turn over in his arms and cry into his chest. "Please make this stop."

Spencer is heartbroken for you. He doesn't know how to help and it's killing him.

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Isaac Asimov

x

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[lunarsilver]

What awaits you in February?

REMEMBER

I’m not a doctor, a psychiatrist, a therapist nor a psychologist. Tarot readings will never replace meetings with them.

It’s a general reading, so not everything will resonate.

If you can’t choose between two piles, probably both of them have some messages for you. You can also not identify with any of them and that’s okay too.

Readings can help you make a decision, but they shouldn’t be the main reason of making it.

1 ~ 2 ~ 3

PILE 1

Three of Pentacles – Eight of Cups (R) – The Devil (R) – Back of the Deck: Four of Wands

We have here cards from all suits except Swords, this can mean you will be daydreaming or your mind/logic will be used less often? Swords are Air, mind, power, the lack of them here can signalize you should remember about thinking through things, ask both heart and mind what do you want.

This Four of Wands at the back of the deck shows the whole February should be pretty peaceful for you. This card is all about celebration, congratulations on whatever you’ve achieved/you’re about to achieve! Probably going back home, or maybe finding your new home? Are you looking for the ideal flat/house, or you’re renovating it?

 Four of Wands are correlated to other people, especially your family, and Three of Pentacles also talks about people. At the beginning of this February, you’re probably still working on what you’ll celebrate later. Some group project? Renovating your flat with your partner/friends? It looks like something won’t come according to the plan, you will have to alter it, find a different way, and… yeah, The Devil in reverse after reversed Eight of Cups, it looks like you will have to leave something behind, most likely your limiting beliefs or fear. Don’t run away from it, face it, and remember about Four of Wands – there will be something worth celebrating, some milestone.

PILE 2

Six of Cups – Three of Cups – Eight of Wands (R) – Back of The Deck: Nine of Cups

First things first: wow, that’s a lot of Cups, this month is all about feelings, guys. I get a feeling (heh) it’s more about friendship than love, at least for most. Relationships, connections, water. Any of you going somewhere near water this month? A town next to sea, camping by a lake, ice skating? And look at how all the Cups cards are divisible by three, yet again: bonding, groups, and also creativity and confidence. Hell, at first I even described this pile as the third one instead of the second one!

Nine of Cups shows me you will feel so fulfilled this month, this is the “wish come true” card. Cherish these moments as long as they last. Six of Cups is about happy memories, especially from childhood. Maybe you’ll feel like a happy, Innocent child again, or for some reason remember these moments. Watching cartoons, drawing, just doing things because they are fun. Maybe you’ll meet a childhood friend? You can spend more time with children. Six of Cups can sometimes mean pregnancy, especially with twins, so if there are here any people who try for a baby, maybe it says something.

Three of Cups gives me a vibe of a girls’ night out, of course for some of you. February is a time when you will spend a lot of time with friends, with Six of Cups from before these can be childhood friends, or you can do some silly, childish things and feel like kids again. A sleepover? Maybe a party? Remember how Nine of Cups is about fulfillment? Well, Three of Cups can often mean celebration!

Nine of Cups represent happy moments that are temporary – Eight of Wands in reverse signalize there can be some delays or frustration at the end of the month. Align your resources, plan your actions, but also don’t resist changes.

PILE 3

The World (R) – Three of Pentacles (R) – Four of Wands – Back of the Deck: Seven of Swords (R)

Wow, that’s a lot of reversed cards, do you feel stuck? Not sure what you do and where you’re going? More negative thoughts than usual (the domination of Swords would also suggest that)? If so, I’m sending you a virtual hug!

So, I guess some of you started a new job, got promoted, your grades improved or for some reason became the center of attention. I’m saying that because Seven of Swords in reverse can mean imposter syndrome. Alternatively, this can mean that during February you will keep deceiving yourself (i.e. trying to convince yourself that you’re satisfied while you’re not) or keep an ugly secret from someone. Remember, lie has short legs.

You will seek some kind of closure – personal (given the fact it’s February, Valentine’s Day and so on, maybe not getting fully over your ex will be hard to ignore) or it’s about some project, especially with Three of Pentacles in reverse. Some problems in your team? Disharmony of some sort? Some of you will be fed up and just finish it by yourself. Some of you can realize how many qualities you are and that they’re underappreciated, you may start to value yourself more.

Oof, looks like quite an exhausting month, doesn’t it? Fortunately, Four of Swords show you’ll get some well deserved rest. Proper sleep, meditation, listening to music – whatever makes you relaxed. You’ll handle the problem, and there will be time to take some time for yourself.  

[kookieswan]

Red Light - The Sweetest Promise

Nightmare!Hoseok x Psychologist!Reader

Word Count: 1.7k

Genre: Horror AU, Monster AU, Psychological horror, some Angst as always , definitely some dollops of Fluff.

Warnings: Talk of self harm. It should be noted that this story will contain themes of horror/psychological horror and also explore obsessive behaviors and codependency. Many characters are morally gray. Please be warned!

Summary: You make a sweet promise built on chocolate kisses.

Notes: Going back in time s bit! I urge you to go back and read ‘Foiled Secrets’ if it’s been a while, this is set directly after it! I hope you all enjoy ♥️

This is Part 31 of the Red Light series. Find the Masterlist here ♥️

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Kisses…?” Namjoon looks giddy, eyes wide as you step toward him. You unwrap one of them quickly, almost laughing as he nearly unhinges his jaw in anticipation. Hoseok watches bemusedly as you pop the kiss into the other Nightmares mouth.

“Chocolate kisses for you since we know it can have certain affects on your emotional state. We’ll start with one and go from there to see if it makes any difference. I know sweets spark a sense of… Something for you so that’s why I chose this method.” The Nightmare doesn’t chew, doesn’t move as he stares ahead, likely letting the chocolate melt slowly in his mouth. Hoseok clears his throat noisily, drawing your attention over to him

“What about my kisses? Don’t I get any dearheart?” Snorting, you shake your head with glee. He looks almost offended by this, eyes widening as his mouth drops open slightly, wings stretching out behind him.

“No, you’ve been bad. Now sit there and be good and maybe you’ll get one at the end of our session.” Your Nightmare kisses his teeth but a smile’s there, almost cheeky in nature as he shakes his head. There’s suddenly a small groan from Namjoon, a very clear sign that he’s enjoying the sweet treat you’ve supplied. Good, that likely means progress toward your goal.

“What do you think Namjoon? Is it good?” He moans again, and you watch in awe as his eyes shift back and forth between his regular deep brown and a crimson red. They settle finally on the brighter tone as he wiggles in his seat, eyes wide as he finally regards you, batting his eyelashes.

“Delicious; so deliciously divine Doctor. Can I have more? Pretty please? I promise to be good if I can have more.” He asks earnestly, so unbelievably polite that you just can’t say no. How could you anyway, you’re clearly making some sort of headway here. Perhaps you should have brought a chocolate cake…

“Sure Namjoon. Here’s another one for you. Now, can you tell me how you feel? Any different?” He chews this time, eyes closing as he savors the chocolate. It’s quiet as you wait for his response, but it finally comes out low and almost curious in nature.

“It’s hard to describe feelings after so terribly long but I suppose I’m feeling giddiness now? Excitement? Kind of like I want to explode… I feel more trying to break through. I wonder if it will, if I can contain it; if I’ll want to. I prefer this method to ripping at my skin though.” Ripping st his skin? You never even thought of pain as an option; but it’s something you’ll definitely address down the line. You see Hoseok’s wings flex from the corner of your eye, see how he sits forward in his seat. You choose to ignore it for now though, Namjoon needs your full attention.

“More of…?” You try to coax it out of him, letting him ponder his thoughts. He doesn’t seem like he’s trying to hide anything, eyes searching yours as he squints. If anything, he’s likely at a loss for words and overwhelmed. Having your feelings go in and out can’t be easy…

“More of everything. I feel more, I’ve always felt more and that’s always been the problem. It’s caused so much chaos in the past. Fun for me, not so much for others.” It’s a known fact that Nightmares in general feel every emotion more intensely. Namjoon has had that increased even further, and so it’s a little shocking he hasn’t completely gone mad from the overstimulation.

“I see. Since you’re an empath, you feel everyone’s everything all the time. I can’t imagine what it must be like, but I suppose you’ve always had a sort of way to control it?” There must have been something keeping him grounded over the years. Some sort of technique or some other stimulus to keep him distracted? Namjoon huffs, eyebrows furrowing as the corners of his lips downturn.

“My lovie always helped before, but… Ah, but what if I can’t control it now, hm? It never stops, it’s overwhelming. I can feel your unease I can feel his anger, Doctor. I can feel it all, and in turn it becomes mine to bare. It’s much too easy to influence others when I lose it.” Seokjin, hm? It’s interesting, both the Nightmares in front of you can sense sometimes general disposition in one way or another. Namjoon’s ability is just a lot harder to deal with it seems, and so you press into why that is.

“Do you not like being able to feel others emotions and in turn control theirs? Has it always been something that’s bothered you?” Again, Hoseok shifts in his seat, eyes not on you but on Namjoon. He’s openly staring at the other Nightmare, eyes slitted. Namjoon pays no mind as you pop another chocolate into his mouth. He chews quickly and swallows, not taking nearly the same amount of time to really enjoy it.

“It doesn’t matter, it’s one extreme or the other now. Feel everything or feel nothing. It’s not much of a choice, not really fucking fair I was dealt this card. Not fair, not fair, not fair…” He stomps his foot, the action startling you ever so slightly. Hoseok’s voice echoes across the room instantly, commanding and firm.

“Namjoon.” A warning perhaps, but not one that holds much malice. Namjoon blinks up at you, the crimson wavering just slightly so a softer shade of red. You smile down at him, a silent affirmation that it’s fine, that he’s fine. When you speak, you do so gently because really, you feel horrible for this man. He’s had so much ripped away and hasn’t received much empathy in return.

“It isn’t fair Namjoon, you’re right. It’s up to you though, you get to pick what you want. I only want to be able to aid you in your journey to whatever that choice is.” It’s true, you just want to help them. Help them thrive in any way they can even if you can’t truest free them. Perhaps it’s foolish in a way, but you’d rather be a fool than a monster like every other person down here.

“You were able to live with it before though, right? You and Seokjin traveled together, you functioned and were clearly happy. Do you not want that again?” Hoseok’s voice is careful yet curious, eyes scanning the other man swiftly. He almost looks conflicted, a careful smile coming to his face as Namjoon nearly melts in front of your eyes.

“My Seokjin…” His eyes turn to a pretty shade of pink, a soft dimpled smile coming to his face. He looks at you dreamily, eyes so intensely bright that they’d likely glow in a pitch black room.

“I miss my Seokjin. I want him Doctor, I want him so bad but they won’t let me have him. I’ll behave so good for you if you let me have him, I will.” You believe him outright, fully aware of how terribly both Nightmares crave each other. It would be dumb if you to keep them away from each other any longer, it would only be a matter of time before one of them gets too impatient and all hell breaks loose.

“Well, I think that we’re thinking the same thoughts Namjoon. With everything I’ve been told during this session, I believe the next step is bringing you to see Seokjin. Chocolate is one thing, but your lover…” if you had to pick between Hoseok and a piece of candy, well… The option is pretty obvious. Namjoon nods excitedly, happy giggles leaving his lips as Hoseok fidgets in his seat.

“I don’t mean to rain on your parade Doctor, but the chances of that happening aren’t very high.” Stepping back from Namjoon, you step right into Hoseok’s space again, finger coming down to boop his nose. He scrunches it cutely, wings flexing again behind him, the little cracking noises now a comforting sound.

“I’ll make it happen. I don’t know when and I don’t know how soon, but I’ll make it happen. Stop frowning Hoseok, it’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.” Placing your pointer fingers on either side of his lips, you push them up into a smile as he stares at you. The smile remains as you pull back, slowly morphing into something more smirk like.

“I’ve been good, do I get my kiss now?” He turns his wings out towards you, tongue peaking out to wet his lips. Not being able to resist, you brush your fingers against his cheek, slowly following the curve of his jawline until you’re cupping his chin again. You wonder idly if it’s normal to want to touch this much.

“Do you think you deserve it? You’ve been quite the pessimist darling.” His eyes shoot open in shock as gears up to reply, likely something teasing, maybe a little snarky, but you silence him with a quick peck to his soft lips. His chest rumbles darkly as you pull away a second later, his displeasure resounding as you step away from him with a whisper of ‘patience’.

Turning back toward Namjoon, you pull out the rest of the small bag of kisses out of your jacket pocket. Placing it in the breast pocket of his jumpsuit, you lay your hand there with certainty. Namjoon feels warm, the heat radiating though his jumpsuit nearly enough to be uncomfortable.

“The rest of the kisses are yours, a token of my promise to you; the next time you see me, you’ll be seeing your Seokjin as well. And please, no more hurting yourself if you can help it?” Namjoon laughs a true laugh, loud and excited as you pull back from him. He nods his head and hums, likely the happiest and most emotive you’ve ever seen him, and you want this version to stay.

“That’s a sweet promise Doctor. I do hope you’ll keep it.” Namjoon closes his eyes then, humming to himself as Hoseok mumbles something about intrusive thoughts. With a smile, you turn back to the door, fully intending to keep your sweet promise. In the end, you’ll either make it so or at the very least die trying.

“That’s all for today boys. Hopefully I’ll see you both soon.”

[transpanda-1]

I think I'm plural. Where do I go from here?

🌓There's a couple different avenues you could go down, but we have a few pieces of advice that might help:

EDIT: Our friend also mentioned that it's okay to not know everything at first! Alters might take awhile to come out and switches can be random/suppressed for a bit. Know that figuring this stuff out is literally rewiring how your brain works a little, ya know? :P

Check out plurality groups or places of information. You can either find a system/singlet more experienced with knowledge about the topic, or check out infographic websites like this one:

2. Try to find a place where you can feel comfortable AND safe just trying out being plural. This has honestly been why we've been so successful at detangling systems: We just let them try it out to see how they feel about it. Our DM's are usually open for this kind of behavior. We hold a very personal opinion that it's better to live in a world where you can try out being plural and it turns out its not you, then a world where you don't get that chance. There's no harm in just feeling the edges out to see where you land. This can be either over text, or in person, or something else!

3. Think about your past experiences with identity. For example: If you're trans, did you have a period before realizing that you attached in similar ways? Did you feel similar arguments sprouting up to try to deny it? And if not that, how about just how you've acted around people? Being plural can define a lot of past interactions you didn't think about before. The "moods" you might have, if you speak in different voices sometimes, etc etc etc.

4. Understand you're not alone. Studies show that DID has a 1~1.5% estimated percentage of the world population (though we're not sure if that includes OSDD 1B, traumagenic systems with no memory loss). Although it's described as "rare", it's actually a fairly common condition in the grand scheme of things.

A community is forming (hah!) as more and more plural people come to accept their existence. There are many more plural people out there living their best lives! And you can too!

5. Know that therapy, while it can help, also has a tendency of dealing with psychologists who are taught the only way to "cure" plurality is to have alters integrate. Many systems now are trying to co-exist together because it's becoming more understood that you kind of *can't* cure plurality? So know there's no harm in self diagnosing.

6. Read up on plural fiction, if you can! There's nothing more important or validating than to see other's experiences with plurality! Unfortunately we can't really recommend most mainstream stories, as plurality seems to be more a growing movement in fanfiction spaces. Here's some links to plural stories that made us feel good or were written by us (Yeah bitch of course every word is a different link, gotta go extra as Pandora :P )

And of course, we could say more, like understand c-ptsd (a lot of little trauma over time) can make you plural, find outside sources to reaffirm you, etc. etc. etc.

But we just wanna say that no matter where you end up, take this motto to heart, a message to every alter that might be in there, from us: Thank you for existing! ❤💚🖤🤍🧡💜💖❣💙💔💗🫶🏽💟🤎

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

hello! i’ve got four questions, i hope that’s not too much: 

what are some websites describing how autism can present in teenagers/older children? symptoms and traits and etc? 

can you be simultaneously hyposensitive AND hypersensitive to something? (for ex: taste) ((or like the hypersensitivity/hyposensitivity fluctuates and etc))

even if someone got an autism evaluation when they were younger (like at the age of one or two) and it was decided that they weren’t autistic, is it still possible to get diagnosed with autism at an older age? 

can autistic symptoms present at any age (like adulthood or older childhood) or do the symptoms always pretty much show up during babyhood/toddlerhood? 

sorry if these are too many questions! 

Hi there,

I’ll do my best to answer your questions.

Question 1

Signs of autism in older children and teenagers sometimes become more noticeable at the start of primary or secondary school.

Signs include difficulties with new social situations at school. If older children and teenagers have signs of autism, start by seeing a GP.

Health professionals will diagnose autism only when they’ve ruled out other explanations for children’s behavior

The source will be below:

Here is another article from Kids Health

The last one comes from WebMD

Teenage-specific symptoms. Social skill deficits might be more pronounced during the teenage years. The following are more signs to look out for in your teen with autism:

* Difficulty with puberty: A teen girl with ASD might need to be told directly what a period feels like, when to expect one, and how to use sanitary products for menstruation. She might not pick up this information from friends or peers. Both teen boys and girls might also need explicit instruction on when sexual topics and body issues are and aren’t appropriate to talk about. 

* Seizures: Seizures and epilepsy are more common in people with ASD than in neurotypical people. Due to hormonal changes around puberty, many teens with ASD will have their first seizure. Teens who already have seizures may have them more frequently, which can be alarming to them and their parents.

* Trouble in school: Even exceptionally smart kids with ASD might struggle when transitioning to a more conceptual framework in school. In middle and high school, your child will be asked to write essays, think critically, and form opinions. Dealing with this educational change in the midst of everything else going on can be extremely difficult.

* Loss of friends: Teens with autism are at risk of being bullied by peers because of repetitive behaviors, unusual interests, or not having age-appropriate social skills.

* Mood disorders: Due to the chaos of puberty and the increased social expectations from their peers, autistic teens often struggle with their emotions. Some develop depression or anxiety. Anxiety is common in teens with ASD: Around 39% of youth with ASD have a diagnosed anxiety disorder.

Question 2/3.

I do believe you can be both hyposensitive and hypersensitive. I’ll leave some links about these below if you want to learn more.

Question 4.

It depends on the person. I do believe you can be diagnosed at a later age if it was concluded your weren’t autistic by physicians/psychologists because of symptoms that might show up or manifest later as we age.

Question 5.

The manifestation of symptoms in autism depends on the individual. Some may show signs as a toddler and be diagnosed. While others won’t really show signs until they reach primary school. According to the CDC:

ASD begins before the age of 3 years and can last throughout a person’s life, although symptoms may improve over time. Some children show ASD symptoms within the first 12 months of life. In others, symptoms may not show up until 24 months of age or later. Some children with ASD gain new skills and meet developmental milestones until around 18 to 24 months of age, and then they stop gaining new skills or lose the skills they once had.

As children with ASD become adolescents and young adults, they may have difficulties developing and maintaining friendships, communicating with peers and adults, or understanding what behaviors are expected in school or on the job. They may come to the attention of healthcare providers because they also have conditions such as anxiety, depression, or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, which occur more often in people with ASD than in people without ASD.

This article will be below if you want to read through it.

I hope these sources help you. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ❤️

[itsmeanyango]

ASTROLOGY AND BIRTH ORDER

Did you know that when you are conceived you have energy tied to your sibling position? Find out more here to learn more than just the first child, middle child and youngest child. Everyone is covered as an individual in this post!

This theory of mine takes into consideration all pregnancies. This means secret children and miscarriages. After the 12th child, the cycle restarts.

In psychology there is a theory about generational first borns. The theory is by a psychologist called Alfred Adler in which he talks about how birth order influences personality¹. He adds a little bit on other factors that influence birth order because not all families only have the eldest child, middle child and youngest child.

He noted that if children have an age difference of more than three years, subgroups with different dynamics may form(Brennan,2018).

This means, if there is a three year age gap between the first born and another, that child becomes a second generation first born and anyone after them takes second and third born. Then if there is a three year age gap between the second generation first born and another child, this child becomes a third generation first born and so on. This is why you see large families seem to have groups amongst siblings.

Most experts agree with Adler, but place the age gap at five years(Brennan,2018).This theory (by Alfred Adler) is my inspiration for this Astrology theory of mine.

1st Born

Energy of a leader, doing things quickly and easily pissed off. The parents expect the child to know and also have little to no patience with this child. Even if the patience is there, they tend to have more patience with future children.

2nd born

Power of the voice. They are vocal and their voice stands out. They tend to be stubborn. They don't want to be seen and treated as the first born so they do things differently when they see how unfavourably (in their eyes) things planned out when the first born did something. They like comfort.

3rd born

Has a lot of information about what's going on. They are drawn to matters pertaining early childhood education. This might be because they have observed a lot and want to do things differently for other children so that they grow up better. They tend to be two faced. Things are black and white to them, it's one or the other. They tend to be known in the neighborhood. If they live well then the community will be their "family" as they will have many "siblings" and "cousins".

4th born

Very loyal. Too loyal to others it works against them because they end up seeming too much. They do things that mimic a mother with unconditional love. Their loyalty never wavers. They stand by you to death. They love taking care of people. They forget themselves. They don't know how to be selfish. However, some are only loyal to themselves because they feel like nobody loves them. Like their elder siblings get all the love and attention but they get nothing. They then become extremely selfish it mirrors itself as greed or actually turns to greed. They die never seeing what's wrong with how they chose to live.

5th born

Love fun and the spotlight. Are childlike. Might be bald or have wonderful hair. Even if they do not, they will have a persistent relationship with hair. They want to be worshipped and when they like someone they treat them like a God. When they are not recognised, they burn everything down. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned is what describes them when they feel disrespected or not recognised.

6th born

Record keepers and they do well where growth happens. If it's farming the land or growing hair, they do very well. They always have that one thing or person they hold on to like their child, they never let go. That one thing that they feel they have "grown", will never be allowed to leave their side. This one thing tends to be stolen or tricked away from them. It becomes the opposite of who the sixth born is, almost unrecognisable. Different but powerful/full of life.

7th born

An obsession with relationships. The relationships will always be what this person is known for. Some relationships may last but others won't. They are in and out, always changing. This is not about romance. This is about every single relationship such as work, school, friendships, neighborhood. They find it hard to sit by themselves so they look for that missing part of themselves in others. Their focus should be on their relationship with themselves first, but they tend not to see that. They end up this way because by this time their parents are not active parents or giving everyone enough attention. They have six older siblings who are like "deputy parents". With the parents, they have eight different people "parenting them". They then live their life looking for what they could not find at home, in other people. Because the eight were not consistent, neither are they in their relationships.

8th born

While the seventh born looks outside, the eight born brings inside. They are very susceptible to losing themselves in occult matters and superstitions. They may believe that they have no hope or future so they do things that kill them slowly. They are drawn to the darkness. They get addicted to drugs and substances because when under the influence they feel like they are in a better place. They end up in debt and mismanaging people's money. They are unable to handle large amounts of money, their money ends up going to other people. Their parents attention, love and money has always gone to other people. Now their money is doing the same. They are their own poison. They are the prisoner and prison warden. They are also secretive.

9th born

Philosophers, travellers and those who always get opportunities in different places. They are philosophers because they have grown up watching ten different people. They have observed how everyone lives and dissected their choices. They learn from others mistakes and never make them. Because of this, they tend to be very smart and successful. They go out and keep observing other people in the world and learning from them. They do not make common people's mistakes. They do not do what others are doing. They find themselves traveling but this is normal because they are naturally drawin to learn. They don't know they are drawn to learn and that's why they keep going to different places. The key for them is to find peace, happiness and flow. The people around them don't have that and they may not know that those are the three tings they should learn. Avoiding everyone's mistakes does not guarantee the good life. Learning from peoples good choices helps too. Looking for mistakes everywhere is not helpful, suspicion is not a good colour to wear.

10th born

Everything has been done for them. All they need to do is make a choice. For these ones, their choices are binding. The choice they make becomes their fate/destiny and it is close to impossible to change their life after their choice. They also tend to look for their prominent male figure in others.

11th born

They tend to be distant. They are far down in the family anyway, so they do things from a distance and are actually humanitarians at heart. They have powerful communities but they don't know that. Their community can either make or break them. They are foresighted and give good advice. They can direct you to something, somewhere or someone amazing.

12th born

They feel unseen and believe they are invisible. They are also intuitive and have vivid dreams they they believe. They get away with a lot since their parents have a "soft spot" for the youngest or can't even be bothered. They think they are invisible. They also have unseen illnesses. That is, mental and personality problems. If they do not, they are drawn to places and people with. Because their intuition has proven them right severally, they believe they are powerful. They also believe their dreams are messages. You find some of them becoming pastors/prophets and it works until they involve greed. The moment they become greedy, their intuition and their dreams change to nothing helpful. They take on the role of Jesus trying to save/heal everyone. They end up just like Jesus but without the honor, resurrection and promise of coming back. They tend to be criminals, patients in mental facilities or workers there. They develop spiritual psychosis.

Are you from a large family? Do you have relatives with several siblings? How well did this post resonate? For more such posts, find me on Patreon here

References:

¹Brennan, D. (2021) Avoidant attachment: What you should know, WebMD. WebMD. Available at: https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-is-avoidant-attachment (Accessed: December 15, 2022).

[lady-ella]

Bishop Losa x reader

Credits to the owner of the GIF

English is not my first language, so there could be some mistakes :))

Warnings: any, just some swearing

Chapter one

You couldn’t see anything, were you dead? It wouldn’t be so bad, you lost everything maybe you could finally be in peace.

Your head hurted a lot, you could hear some distant voices, where were you? Did they find you again? Or you will wake up in hell? Finally you could open your eyes, you could feel someone holding your hand, you looked in that direction and you couldn’t see who it was because you didn’t have your glasses. But you could tell that he was a mid-age man, he was talking to… a doctor. You were just in hospital, so they found you, but did they found them? “Did you find them?” Your voice was rough for your lack of speaking,for who knows how long. They both looked at you. The man got up from the chair, “Who?” He was puzzled. “My mum… and my dog… Did you find them?” Tears were at the corners of your eyes. “No. We didn’t know, we thought that you were alone…” How could they know, you were the only one in that van, without counting the driver and his ‘bestie’.

You told them what had happened, you described the cantine where you were, so maybe they could find them, but unfortunately you couldn’t without having a crisis, so they called the psychologist of the hospital. After the interrogatory, he said that he wanted you to be moved to the psychiatrist area. He said that you were suffering of post traumatic stress, well actually it wasn’t the only thing. They gave you some pills for sleeping and when it would happen to have another crisis they would give you a different medicine.

One day the man that was holding you, came back to see how you were doing. You found out that he was a sergeant of the intelligence unit, he’s name was Charlie Davidson, and he was the one that found you on the street and helped you. “We found the bodies of two of the aggressors, we think that the third one killed them because it’s their fault if you could escape. And doctor Smith said that you will be dismissed soon.” “Oh… it’s a great idea, I think…” You looked at him and he immediately understood what you wanted to asked him, “ I’m sorry, but you’re still a minor, so your father has all rights to take you with him” “BUT HE IS THE REASON THAT ALL THIS SHIT HAPPENED” You screamed, it’s his fault that your mum died, it’s his fault that your dog died, IT’S his FAULT that you got hurt. AGAIN! “ Please… I don’t want to go with him please, I’ve already told you, I can’t leave with him, I’d prefer die, and maybe I will be happy with them” your voiced cracked, you were going to cry, but you didn’t want to, you took a deep breath and calmed your self. “ I won’t.” “What?” He landed you a passport, you opened it and inside there was an ID too, but on them there wasn’t your name. “I have a friend in Santo Padre. You will pretend to be his daughter, and you will live with him.” If your body wasn’t still so sore you would have got up and hug him as you’ve never done before. “But I have to warn you about something.” “What is it?” “He’s the presidente of a motorcycle club, the Mayans” “And what is the problem?” “They work for the Galindo’s charter. They transport the drug to the clients. I’m telling you this, because I don’t want you to be scared. I’m not saying that’s the safest place, but I’m sure that you’ll like it after all.” “And me, the real me, what will happen to her?” “We’ll fake your death. So you’re dad will have another body on his conscience.” You laughed a bit, “He’ll never learn. I know him, he’s immature, and doesn’t understand a shit, I would be surprised if he cried”

So this is why you’re here on a bus going to Santo Padre. You had a flight from Chicago to San Diego, and now you’ll have other five hours on this cracked bus.

When you arrived, you asked some indications to find the clubhouse. While you were walking down the street, you were feeling as someone was watching you. You turned around and there was a hooded man walking behind you, he was the same on the bus, the same person that tried to touch your ass. So, what would you do if someone was walking behind you, looking at you? Well, for you there was only one solution. Run. So you ran and ran, your knees were hurting, you weren’t used to run before, and now with your conditions, it was insane. You were still running when at your left you saw some motorbikes, so you stopped abruptly and turned immediately left. You entered the gate and you opened the door and you leaned on it. You were panting, you were going to faint for sure. A Spanish guy arrived from your left, “Everything is okay?” You jumped a bit, “Yes… May I have a glass of water please?” “Umm, sure” You went to the bar, he landed you the glass and you drank it all. “Excuse me, but where can I find Bishop Losa?” “He’s in the templo with the others” He pointed to a glass door “Thanks” You approached the door and you were going to open it but he stopped you “No. Wait.” With your hand still on the door you turned to him “You can’t enter, they’re in the middle of a meeting.” The door opened and a lot of people came out of the room. They were tall and with many tattoos. One looked at you and he smirked, but you looked away, and you saw that in the room was still a man, he was looking at you intensely and a chill hitted you. (Before exiting the hospital you got your glasses back so now you can see something . )“Enter, close the door behind you and sit” You gulped and you did what he told me. On his kute you read ‘presidente’ so he’s definitely him. He lightened a cigaret “Do you want one?” “No, I don’t smoke” “ I’m Bishop, but I think that you’ve already understood that.” “Yes, I’m Y/N, nice to meet you” You smiled and he bowed his head as a response. “How was the flight?” “Hmm… good, I mean I don’t like flights but it was quite good.” While you were talking he would look at you and that made goosebumps all over your body, you shouldn’t react like this, it passed only a month since the disaster, you were still in therapy, and the doctor said to take your meds for at least a month. “What are you thinking about?” He snapped you out of your thoughts, you didn’t realise that you were staring in to the void. He looked at you like he knew well what you were thinking. “ Nothing, I’m just tired.” In fact, after that you yawned. He laughed. “Well, how does it sounds if I take you home little one?” ‘Little one’ no one ever called you like that, and it hit you really hard. “It sound as a great idea” and you smiled at him. One other ‘problem’ that you had was social anxiety, so talking to strangers it’s not so easy for ones like you. He got up from his throne and he was in front of you, you got up too, but your knees gave up and you fall but he took you with only one arm that was on your waist embracing you. One of your hands on his shoulder and the other on the chair. You turned your head and your faces were only centimetres apart, you could feel his breath on your face. Your throat was dry, it felt like you couldn’t breathe. It only lasted a few seconds but it seemed like an eternity. You looked him in his eyes and… “Are you okay?” “Yes, as I told you before I’m tired so…” “Got it.” You walked to the door together his hand still on your waist. “Brothers. I want you to meet my daughter Y/N Losa.” You wanted to sleep, the time zone was hitting you, but instead you had to smile and shake the hands off ALL of them. A torture.

You arrived home, ‘what a relief’ you thought. You got inside. It was pretty cosy, you liked it. You two went up the stairs. He opened the door and in front of you there was a king side bed. At your left there was another door, you supposed it was the bathroom and on the opposite side the wardrobe. “You’ll sleep here.” You frowned, you exited the room, there weren’t any other rooms, where will he sleep? “I’ll sleep on the couch. I can tell you that’s kinda comfy” He was smirking, so your mind went to some scenarios that you shouldn’t think about. You shaked your head. “Are you sure that is okay? I can sleep on the couch. I don’t want to steal your bed” “Haha, don’t worry little one. I would never let a lady sleep on my couch. Maybe there are some exception, but you aren’t in those. I left you some clothes to wear as a pyjamas in the bathroom. Goodnight querida.” And he kissed your forehead and he left. “Goodnight Bishop.” He turned his head and smiled at me. Querida… it sounds as a nice thing, but you didn’t know Spanish and you didn’t have a phone to search on it, so you didn’t know what he told you.

You took a bath, you changed your clothes with those that he gave it to you. It was a black t-shirt with the Mayan’s logo, and for the lower half he gave you his… boxer. Well, what can you say, you turned red as a tomato, but in the end you wore them. You went to sleep. You were so tired that you didn’t take the pill, but you should have took it.

In the middle of the night you started to pant and to lay around in bed. “Mum… Take me, not her me, kill me… please…Please!” You woke up in shock the memories of that night rushing into your mind. You got up to take a glass of water in the kitchen. You went down the stairs, but saw him laying on the couch with only a t-shirt on and his boxer, and the thought of a glass of water wasn’t important anymore. Something else came up to your mind, you could have asked him if he would like to make you some company until you could sleep again. You gulped and you approached him. “Bishop…” “Hmm.” “Are you awake?” “Well, now I am. Is everything alright?” You took a deep breath, “I can’t sleep…” you couldn’t see him in the darkness but you felt his stare, and than with nonchalance he just asked you: “Do you want me to sleep with you little one?”

Fuck.

[filthforfriends]

I created my tumblr as a platform to dump my writing and fan edits, but also as a place where I didn’t have to filter myself. My mental health is so fragile that when something happens to me everyone wants to go straight to fixing it and skip the “wow that sucks” stage. However I’ve learned that feeling my anger is important because for so long my mother filled up all that space emotionally. Here I I can rant and rage and not worry about concealing anything. People whose names I don’t know not only validated my experiences, but often share them or at least understand them in a way that comes with tremendous empathy. But for the first time I’ve paused and I’ve concealed and I’ve questioned whether or not I should post this.

My life is no longer garden variety sucky things took a really disturbing turn just after Christmas. But there are still a variety of reasons I want to post this, mainly I don’t know how to feel or react. Maybe someone else has endured something this violating and humiliating but shoved it way down and felt alone. God knows I share those actions.

If you click beyond this point you’re agreeing that you’re at least in your 20s, mentally stable, and understand that what follows is megafucked

My mom is a published author. I was discouraged from reading her work because it was as very “adult” but at age 15 I snuck a peak on a story that I realized it was not so loosely based on my brother. I know she wrote about her life experiences through the lens of her narcissism and called it fiction, but I thought that the much of her stories was still made up.

So I’m visiting family over the holidays and my cousin whom I haven’t talked to since 2015 could tell that a book my mom published in 2019 was very clearly about me and non-fiction. He said that he tried to read the book but “there was just something about it he didn’t like.” It gave me a strange feeling so I read the short story.

It was absolutely not fictionalized at all. The character had a different name but the story contained my exact medical information, exact dates reactions happened. Extremely specific descriptions of my medical issues, many of which were mental.

There’s no question I should have been taken to a child psychologist. By the age of four I’d developed panic disorder, OCD, attachment disorder, and suicidal tendencies. I was not a happy child I was in constant fear and my mom used every detail of this because my story was compelling. I really can’t stress enough that she changed nothing but my name.

She documented exactly what I said during panic attacks that ruined my life. She documented what I said after attempting to drown myself. When they brought me to a therapist she documented how I behaved in the sessions, what I said, what the therapist said. My mother takes a journal with her everywhere and journals in the morning and evening.

She took all these direct quotes and described my every trauma response and brush with death in the first five years of my life. Confidential, highly specific, private information and she got it published and distributed nationally. I helped her do press on that book because I didn’t know. Now all these people know the most intimate details of my excruciating childhood.

I can only assume she did the same with her last book which several of my high school teachers read because they were her graduate students. She wrote the recommendation letters that helped them get that teaching position. My mother is a respected tenured professor at the university in our city. I cannot exaggerate how trapped I feel right now.

Eden, that sucks but it isn’t disturbing. This is me giving you another chance to scroll.

I found out from reading this non fiction “fiction” about my childhood that I was molested. By my mother. She wrote about molesting me. I had no memory of this particular incidence but I do remember another one like it that I ignored by convincing myself it was an accident. So I know that just like everything else in that story, the molestation did happen. I’ve showed it to a social worker and my therapist who both agree what the scene described.

Absolutely horrifying right? Yeah, especially because it’s on the third page. Especially because she gave this book to every member of my large extended family for Christmas. I can’t believe she allowed me to devote hours to publicity for this book. I got her in a Buzzfeed article. I must look like a imbecile to anyone that attends readings and signing who have read the book themselves.

My working theory is that my mother was just doing to me what was done to her by multiple men in her childhood. I don’t think she was attracted to me as a child. Because of her narcissism she didn’t consider how I might be affected from these experiments. Of course she hasn’t acknowledged what happened on any level. The scene is phrased as if I wanted what was happening to be which of course I didn’t because I was four.

I think poorly concealing it in a story was some sort of absolution. If people read it and didn’t call her out that would mean she did nothing wrong. Every mental health physician has suspected molestation even after I insisted it didn’t happen. They only asked about the men in my life, but never my mother.

I don’t know how to feel or act or change as a person or think about it or treat it. Has this dictated everything about my relationship with sex? Has it dictated nothing about my relationship with sex? How do I move forward?

[zerogate]

This certainty is characteristic of true intuition. The answers come with what psychologist Jerome Bruner calls “the shock of recognition”. They come suddenly and surprisingly, but fit so well that when the surprise wears off, we are left thinking, “Of course. It is obvious. How could I not have seen it all along?” And from that point on, the missing piece slots neatly into place, the picture is complete, the puzzle is solved and it is hard to remember what it felt like not to know the answer.

And this process of discovery is by no means unique to science. Mozart, in a letter to a friend, described his creative gift as one coming from outside himself.

When I am, as it were, completely myself, entirely alone, and of good cheer – say, travelling in a carriage, or walking after a good meal, or during the night when I cannot sleep; it is on such occasions that ideas flow best and most abundantly. Whence and how they come, I know not; nor can I force them … Nor do I hear in my imagination the parts successively but I hear them, as it were, all at once … The committing to paper is done quickly enough, for everything is already finished; and it rarely differs on paper from what it was in my imagination.

This enviable flow of inspiration, fully formed, was Mozart’s great glory – the result, it seems, of an unusual ability to sustain the intuitive moment beyond the brief flash that leaves most of us blinking and fumbling for answers that were clear in the moment of illumination, but seldom last long enough for us to put them into words or get them down on paper.

Bach had some of Mozart’s flair. “I play,” he said, “the notes in order, as they are written. It is God who makes the music.” Milton wrote that the Muse “dictated” to him the whole “unpremeditated song” that we now know as Paradise Lost. Robert Louis Stevenson dreamed the plot of Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde. Samuel Taylor Coleridge awoke with what he called “a distinct recollection” of the whole of “Kubla Khan”, which he wrote down without conscious effort, pausing only when interrupted by the infamous Visitor from Porlock. By the time that Coleridge returned to his room, the end of the poem was lost for ever. It had “passed away like the images on the surface of a stream into which a stone has been cast.” The flow was broken and the work remains tantalisingly incomplete.

The onset of such illumination has characteristic symptoms. We become subject to “cold chills”, “tingles”, “burning sensations” and “electric glows”. We get “gut reactions” and “feel things in our bones”. The reactions are visceral, but often have superficial symptoms. The poet A. E. Housman remained resolutely clean-shaven. “Experience has taught me,” he said, “when I am shaving of a morning, to keep watch over my thoughts, because if a line of poetry strays into my memory, my skin bristles so that the razor ceases to act.” Creative ideas are often preceded by intimations, by fuzzy feelings that something is about to happen.

These are well described by philosopher Graham Wallas as “a vague, almost physical, recurrent feeling as if my clothes did not quite fit me”.

-- Lyall Watson, Beyond Supernature

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

um, hello again! i was the anon asking if your matchups were open! since you said it's open, may i ask for a romantic matchup for the fandoms Honkai Star Rail and Tears of Themis? feel free though to ignore my request! but if you'll do it, please take as much time as you want in doing it! there's no pressure ^ ^.

anyways, my pronouns are she/her and my sexuality is heteroromantic demisexual. while for my zodiac and mbti, it's cancer and INFJ. my appearance is basically shoulder length, dark brown hair, brown eyes, light brown skin and chubby body. i typically wear a lot of dresses.

for my personality, i'm usually shy, reserved, and a bit awkward towards strangers and acquaintances. but once i feel comfortable enough to open up, i become more playful, talkative, and sarcastic. i also may tease if i'm in the mood. i'm also described by my friends and family as someone who's very kind, empathetic, and hardworking. (so yes i am the therapist and mom friend in a bundle /jk) but on the downside, i am a major perfectionist and overthinker with a bit of a people pleasing attitude to boot. i also struggle a bit with hiding parts of myself (usually my negative feelings or chaotic attitudes) because i don't want to hurt or weird out anyone.

my likes are rain, music (especially musicals), cats, games, and books. while for my dislikes, it's arrogant people, malicious dishonesty, parties, horror, and crowds.

then for hobbies, it's listening to music, playing games, knitting, reading, and occasionally writing.

lastly, i guess some additional info is that although i'm mostly open to anyone, i have a slight preference to people who are hardworking, ambitious/passionate, and kind.

thank you so much once again and i'm sorry if this was really long ;-; i hope you have a good day ^ ^.

Hi Anon! Good to hear from you again! No need to worry; this was a good amount of info. Thank you for your request! Sorry it took a while; life's crazy at the moment. I hope you like your matchups!

In Honkai Star Rail, I match you with...

You and Dan Heng are very similar! Your relationship is one based more on similarities than differences.

Relaxing rainy days spent inside with only each other as company are some of Dan Heng's favourite moments. He likes listening to music and reading with you on these days.

Your "people pleaser" nature balances out Dan Heng's more cold and abrasive nature so people get used to looking for you whenever they have to talk to him.

Would love it if you knitted something for him. He's particularly fond of scarves as he thinks they compliment his normal outfit nicely.

Tries to help you out when you're overthinking. He knows what it's like getting into your own head and, while he's not great at expressing his emotions, he'll sit with you and provide comfort through his presence.

Dan Heng would feel honoured if you feel safe enough to open up to him. He's a great listener so you'll always feel like what you're saying and feeling is valid.

Helps you avoid crowds. He's not particularly fond of them either so it's a win-win situation for him.

In Tears of Themis, I match you with...

Vyn is the best person to help you out with your overthinking. He's a psychologist so it's something he's very good at.

However, despite how many people he has listened to talk about their problems, you'll never feel like he's just doing his job when you open up to him.

Very good at listening and values anything and everything you tell him. He sees it as a sign of your affection, knowing how hard it is to open up to people sometimes.

Vyn will also make sure you don't feel pressured by your "people pleaser" and "mom friend" nature. He knows that can have an impact on your mental health so he'll make sure you take breaks and put your needs first once in a while.

Another one who's a big fan of rainy days and music. He'll slow dance with you on these days, taking some well earnt time away from his work.

Loves your teasing nature. He thinks it's a nicely hidden facet of your personality and it's always fun for him to have witty banter with you.

[notanotherinfjblog]

How would you describe aural memory and recall? It seems less accurate in INFJs but it's hard to describe why. Thank you.

Hi anon! :)

Just to be clear, you are talking about the ability to recall auditory stimuli like conversations, sounds, etc. over a longer period of time, right? Sorry, I'm sadly not a psychologist or neuroscientist or something like that, but I'll try!

I think the reason that it seems less accurate in INFJs (or NJs in general if you ask me) is the abstract nature of Ni. Ni abstracts away everything. For instance, I'm generally very good at recognising different voices of people and I can recall them in my mind relatively easily, but completely devoid of any words. Sounds strange and it probably is, but the exact words and the tone of voice do not get stored together in my brain. I usually don't remember the exact words someone said. I abstract them away, summarise them, draw conclusions, form judgements. That's what I store in my memory, so it will absolutely not be identical to what was actually said since it's tainted by my own interpretation of it. I've had quite a few discussions about memory with an ESFJ and an ISTJ and their way of processing and storing memories is vastly different from mine. They store this information in an Si way, can replay moments of their lives again and again in their minds like a movie, which sounds completely insane to me. My memories are by far not as detailed. They are fragmented. And so, yes, less accurate. An example that seems fitting here is an interview with Wes Anderson (an ENFJ) that I watched for (and linked on) my collection post of interviews with different MBTI types. At some point, the interviewer quotes him back to him. It was about something that Wes Anderson had said in a previous interview and the interviewer wanted some clarification on what he meant by that. And he replied something along the lines of "I said that? Huh. Well, I think I understand what I meant by that. And I think I agree with it." That's some complete Ni detachment to vaguely agree with your own former self as if it was another person, having no recollection of ever being them. And funnily enough, that's something I've heard other NJs say as well, but not any other types. Don't ask me what I said or did or believed in in the past. I have no memory of ever being a different version of myself than the one I am today.

Another aspect to consider here is how badly developed Se is in NJs. We are so very oblivious to the real world around us as we block out so much sensory information (of any kind), it's kind of ridiculous. An example: I've met an ENTJ recently and it's extremely funny to watch that low Se at work in another person from an outside perspective because we fail in the exact same way. Entering our small office building from the back entrance? Orientation lost. Other people approaching and asking to sit on the chair that ENTJ is resting his arm on? Gets startled by the chair suddenly disappearing from below his arm cause he didn't hear or notice anything. Knowing where the exit of the canteen is that we've been going to for years? Uh, give us a moment.

We need to abstract away the little sensory information that we gathered because otherwise we wouldn't be able to remember anything. I can't replay any conversations in my mind. All my memories are best guesses that I assume happened that way, but probably didn't. And I don't remember things in the right order. When I think back on a conversation that I've had with someone, then I remember it like I remember the way to supermarket: some landmarks in-between as orientation points, but the space between these landmarks is a void. I don't know which landmark comes first or second or how to get from one to the other. I only remember that they exist. So, when I think back on a conversation, I might remember that we talked about where we were going to celebrate Christmas, the rude thing my boss did this time, new office supplies, etc., but have absolutely no idea how we got to any of these points in which order or what else happened between them. I won't remember the exact words or the tone of voice or the facial expressions etc. etc. This all gets stored either completely separately from the content of the conversation or not at all.

[uefb]

RAMBLING and UNNECESSARILY LONG (and, also, simply unnecessary) AUTHOR’S NOTE for THE MOST VICIOUS CREATURES ON THE PLANET 

Literally you do not need to read this. Seriously. You don’t. Just read the story. This is just the kind of person I am and I would say ‘Why am I like this?’ but I absolutely know. Anyway, read on to boredom at your own risk.

Again, story is here.

Authors note:

You may notice in my writing about Newt’s childhood, I do write him with more visibly autistic behaviors than he displays in adulthood. This is intentional, and based partially on the portrayal of Young!Newt in Crimes of Grindelwald. Many autistic people who professionals or researchers call “high functioning” or “low support needs” or autistic people without other co-occurring intellectual disabilities develop skills as they mature to not only blend in but to promote their own physical safety (though masking and suppression of autistic traits is increasingly associated with less desired mental health outcomes). You can learn about some of the ways autistic people try to do this here. (I also recommend Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price, an autistic social psychologist.)  All that being said, I try not to infantalise Newt in my writing, or write him as adorably and helplessly oblivious, even if he often is — I think its important (and humanizing!) for him to be just as capable of making mistakes as everyone else.

Next, I utterly failed to pick up on any Newt and Leta romantic tension while watching the films and maybe that’s the autism in me, but I write them as extremely close friends at the least, and queer platonic at the most. (I have heard from some non-autistic people that they didn’t think it was romantic either.) The tidbits we see reminded me of one of my own friendships in university/undergraduate school, which was utterly devoted (probably queer platonic) if entirely non-sexual and non-romantic and, yes, sometimes a…smidge unhealthy. There’s hints of some of her “taking” behaviour in this story, but not much — because I do think she and Newt had a good relationship before things went south. Newt can only see her behaviours, not what’s in her head. The decision to show Newt & Leta as close friends is a personal choice for the purposes of this fic especially—you are welcome to feel about Leta and their relationship however you would like. 

Necessary disclaimers: 1.) All autistic people are different. 2.) Keep in mind Newt may be a bit of an unreliable narrator. What he describes is accurate, but his view is limited—he’s only 13, after all.

Truly more excessive rambling below the cut...

I’ve included some of my own experiences in this fic. For example, even as an undiagnosed child, I could not often speak to people outside my family in completely unstructured situations and would flounder into silence after hello. My mother specifically instructed me over the years—from about age 8 to 14—on how to maintain the flow of conversation, to tolerate small talk, to listen and reflect, how to end a conversation appropriately, etc. I was literally paid with quarters to approach people I knew from school when in public to learn how to be polite and say hello and have a back-and-forth conversation about things that weren’t Harry Potter, peat bog mummies, or Bilbo Baggins. When I became involved in special interests that required me to actually talk to people or that inspired me to speak up unprompted (civil and human rights, for example, as an adolescent), I was actually able to better practice and develop arguably more casual conversational skills. You’ll see that a bit with Newt, as well, particularly in Chapter Two, in the way Theseus instructs him, and in how it is implied Newt’s able to talk to Leta with relative ease, because she has enough knowledge of creatures for him to anchor everything back to that in their conversations. 

You’ll also notice there’s an implication throughout that Newt, perhaps, does not always think about other people’s intentions toward him or others, an unfortunate naivete that tends to put autistic people repeatedly at risk do to less of an instinct for social-based guessing (or ‘mindreading’, as…some researchers like to call it). (Though as one gains more data over life, one can better predict and avoid physical and emotional harm.) Finally, two last things: While Newt does explicitly, physically stim in the Fantastic Beasts films (picking at buttons and fingers, fingers on seams, occasional rocking), some autistic adults have more “obvious” stims in childhood. My own jumping turned into rocking, flapping into finger & button picking, table-drumming into knuckle-cracking, etc. And on meltdowns: For some autistic people, meltdowns are more common in childhood than adulthood, with shutdowns becoming more predominant in autistic adults or, in a best case scenario, both being reduced due to the autistic adult’s ability to recognize stress ahead of time and diffuse it before a dramatic, regulating “reset” is necessary. (Though for people who have meltdowns, they don’t tend to just ‘go away’. It’s not something you developmentally grow out of.) This is the sort of progression I write for Newt in this universe, which is why—again—you’ll notice more autistic traits in this piece than in a lot of my others. 

There’s also a few passing bits of musing on gender in here because emerging research suggests that autistic people are more likely than non-autistic people to identify as trans or non-binary (perhaps, because, the ability to understand social roles is not innate to us, and many of us thus question the systems we’re born into). Honestly, I’ve most specifically included it out of spite—as an autistic, genderqueer person—because JKR made another truly confounding post late last year implying that trans concepts are somehow corrupting poor, innocent, impressionable autistic children. (And she’s said other things that imply that autistic kids are just confused about their gender identities because they’re…. autistic?) Anyway, as an autistic adult who has identified as trans and/or non-binary for over 13 years now and who spent significant portions of childhood just staring at groups of boys and girls and trying to figure out the why and the how, I’ve written said apathetic confusion into childhood Newt, because I can. [And I’ve been recently accused multiple times of not being a “trans ally” and being a "dangerous" person because I’ve bought two (2) tickets and two (2) DVDs since 2018 and, apparently, writing FB fanfic also inherently makes me a TERF and antisemite who hates themself for being autistic. (Some people have never heard of nuance.) The fact that I’m technically under the trans umbrella and have spent significant portions of my life doing actual concrete policy work within institutions, communities, and my employment around trans and queerness is just — well. The accusations just hurt. So I did the very autistic thing of processing that via a special interest, even if it seems like a throwaway paragraph to everyone else.]

Anyway, I’ll probably make a separate author’s note for Chapter 3, as I’m still writing that one at this point. Also, I’ve had a lot going on recently so there may be a gap between posting chapters 2 and 3 because i’m trying not to fail out of my PhD program lmao.

Thanks and I hope you enjoy. 

If you read to the end of this, I’m sorry. And also — wow, proud of you. Treat yourself.

[slavyanwhman]

Maybe i am psychO?

Hello residents of reddit. My first post. I must say right away that I do not know if I am a psychopath or not. I did not turn to psychologists. The fact is that lately I've been interested in watching TV series and movies about psychopaths and I was interested in learning more, because movies mostly embellish. I learned that psychopathy is a spectrum and psychopaths can be different. They can be cruel or too manipulative. That they often have rational thinking. They don't feel emotions the same way as ordinary people, if they feel them at all. I took a lot of online tests and psychopathy was getting out everywhere. Of course, if it didn't seem like a prison or a criminal past. I come from an exemplary family. I started to remember my life and how I feel about the world. I've always loved analyzing people, trying to understand what they're thinking and experiencing. When I was a teenager, I actually thought of becoming a psychologist. I am rational and logical. Whatever the situation, I primarily turn to logic, not feelings. I have a twin brother. I also had a girlfriend. And I decided to analyze my behavior and realized that I often bullied my brother, provoked him to see his reaction. He often took out his aggression on him. In high school, I was one of the most sociable in the class. To be honest, I didn't notice or analyze my behavior in depth until recently. It seemed to me that everyone does that. All people like to feel better when someone is worse off than you. They like to control everything around them. They like to be the first. At the same time, all people try to be more logical and rational. I thought everyone was like that, but after reading a lot of information, I realized that this is often not the case. The first thing I decided to check was emotions. I sat down on a chair and just started laughing into the void, showing a feeling of concern or anxiety, sadness or sadness, and realized that when I show these emotions, I am no different from what I am in ordinary life. Everything looked as plausible as possible. But of course it's not enough to think that I have psychopathic tendencies. I'm 20 years old now. I'm not afraid of death. I won't feel bad if someone from my family dies, rather it will be uncomfortable that things will be a little different now. Death is death. I don't care if anyone dies at all. I have a cat. When I was younger, I thought I couldn't do without him. But when I started thinking about it all, I realized that no, I wouldn't care. I am not upset at all by the death of any animal. I can only physically show a reaction, but often I won't even experience stress. I also realized that I cannot describe what is joy or sadness for me. I used to think I understood, but no. I've always looked at everything from a logical point of view. What is sad is when you are just uncomfortable and stressed, but I understand that for most people this is not the case at all. It is a joy for me when it was uncomfortable, but it became comfortable. I will not experience relief or lightness just like that. Also at university, I began to notice that I too often secretly or even openly mock people, make fun of them, and because of this I feel better. Especially when they react aggressively. As for lying, I didn't even notice how often I lie. I realized that I always did it reflexively to gain trust or a better attitude from a person. He used words that wouldn't show that I already know what he's talking about, or that words that would make him think he's actually dumber than he thinks. No, not because I didn't want to offend him, or rather you would call it that, but because since we are studying together and I may need his help in the near future, then I will calm down my desire to humiliate him a little. But when I don't need someone's help in the near future, then I will humiliate, pressure or mock the person.