#i absolutely don't want to take anything away from other trans people who DO identify with some aspect of their portrayal!! it's just.

[trans-oberon]

anyways here's my take on a summer caenis that DOESN'T give me insane second-hand dysphoria 👍 got rid of his noodle arms while i was at it

[rarebird22]

Some insight on my personal religious beliefs and why I think some recent statements my church made are absolutely, mind-bogglingly WRONG:

(warning: there is, unfortunately, a lot of transphobic stuff in the publication my church made. I'm including my summary here for people who don't know about it, but it could possibly be triggering. if there's a better way I could be doing this, let me know. Basically they're choosing to make some dumb restrictions to trans people's participation in the church. It's unchristlike and I wanted to comment on it.)

(my comments are listed in parentheses. Everything else is quotes or summary.)

Potentially transphobic quotes start below:

“Gender is an essential characteristic in Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. The intended meaning of gender in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World" is biological sex at birth.”

The church doesn’t have an official stance on why people experience gender dysphoria.  They make a separation between experiencing dysphoria and “identifying as transgender.”

“[Transgender people]—and their family and friends—should be treated with sensitivity, kindness, compassion, and Christlike love. All are children of God and have divine worth.”

(If this is true, why doesn’t this policy seem to show Christlike love and compassion?  Denying participation to some children of God doesn’t seem like what Heavenly Father would want, especially when the reason for the exclusion is an intrinsic part of someone’s identity.)

“Church leaders counsel against pursuing surgical, medical, or social transition away from one’s biological sex at birth.  Leaders advise that taking these actions will result in some Church membership restrictions.”

(I believe this policy in particular is incredibly harmful.  Many, many studies have shown the positive effect of transition on alleviating gender dysphoria, reducing symptoms of depression, and preventing suicide.  My own family members have explained how medical and social transition improved their mental health better than anything else they tried.  Just as appropriate medical care is important for the wellbeing of trans people, so too is a loving, supportive network of family and friends.  This policy sets up a false dichotomy between community support and personal authenticity, forcing trans church members to undergo incredible levels of distress as they decide between remaining as a fully participating member of the church or undergoing the changes that help them become who they truly are.)

According to the church handbook, anyone who has transitioned in any way cannot participate in saving ordinances, which are “received according to a person’s biological sex at birth.”  Exceptions can be made for baptism with the approval of the first presidency, but not for priesthood ordinances or temple recommends. The handbook also says that leaders should “address individual circumstances with sensitivity and Christlike love.”

(It is good to show Christlike love, but what freedom is there to lovingly address individual circumstances when this policy places such exclusionary limits on transgender individuals’ participation in the church?)

“Individuals who transition away from their biological sex at birth are welcome to attend sacrament meetings and participate in the Church in many other ways.”

The handbook’s recommendations for how trans people can participate include attending church meetings and activities, participating in family history work, and providing service to others.  The handbook then includes a link to a document with “guiding principles” for trans people’s participation in church.  The document lists that leaders should:  “Seek spiritual guidance; Treat individuals and their families with love and respect while teaching gospel truth; Consider the needs of the individual and other ward members; Ensure that the Church’s doctrine on gender is not undermined or misunderstood; Seek counsel [from other leaders]; and Involve the parents or guardians of minors.”

(The part about being careful not to undermine the Church’s doctrine on gender is what stands out to me and concerns me the most.  Based on this line, it seems to me like the primary purpose of all these changes is to maintain the church’s historically accepted norms.  Any search about the doctrine of gender within the church’s website will always lead to the same phrase: “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”  Apparently this phrase is the church’s doctrine about gender.  That makes me wonder, though, because the Family Proclamation is a newer document that has an ambiguous state between scriptural canon and church policy.  Perhaps that phrase has been misinterpreted due to cultural lenses.)

The Guiding Principles document states that someone’s preferred name can be noted on their church membership record.  It also places restrictions on trans individuals’ participation in the church.  It says that people should attend the meetings, activities, and camps that match their biological sex at birth.  Some exceptions can be made for meetings and activities, but not for overnight camps.  In addition, youth who have transitioned in any way aren’t allowed to stay overnight at mixed-gender activities like youth conferences.  Trans people can’t hold callings that are gender-specific or involve caring for children or youth or teaching.  They are also asked to use a single-occupant restroom, a restroom that matches their assigned sex at birth, or be the only person in a restroom.

(All of these policies are problematic to me.  The policies about overnight activities feel exclusionary and could lead to ostracization of trans youth.  The policies about gendered activities and meetings feel like they place unnecessary emphasis on differences between men and women, which makes me uncomfortable.  The restriction against teaching makes me feel especially hurt and angry, because to me this is a silencing of trans voices.  This policy says “we do not want the perspectives of trans people to be shared in our church.”  And the restroom policy is based on outdated and unfounded fears that associate trans people with predatory behavior.  That’s a sad stereotype to perpetuate.)

4. My conclusion

(I don’t think these new changes live up to the Church’s ideals of showing Christlike love to everyone and inviting all to come unto Him.  While it doesn’t say so explicitly, the handbook seems to consider transgender identity as a personal label and choice.  Every trans person I’ve met says otherwise.  Being trans is a core part of so many people’s life experience.  While I, like the church, don’t know why some people are transgender, I do believe that trans people should be treated with the same dignity and respect as anyone else.  The church’s new policies seem to do the opposite, treating trans people as “other” and restricting their ability to participate in the church.  The church has already caused so much heartbreak and despair among trans people, who understandably see past and current policies as evidence that something is wrong with them.  As representatives of Christ, it is not appropriate to send that message - directly or indirectly.  Instead, the church should be focusing on how we can reflect the true nature of Jesus Christ.  He sacrificed his life to bring redemption and salvation to every single one of God’s children.  He spent his mortal ministry interacting with those who leaders of his time considered different or unworthy.  Every aspect of His life shows his infinite love.  If the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints truly wants to live up to His example, love and inclusion for ALL of God’s children - including trans people - is essential.)

[secretgamergirl]

When Complete BS Becomes "Common Knowledge."

Someone told me they stopped paying attention to someone who reviews movies after one too many mean-spirited jokes about trans people, and it was one of those cases where the reviewer in question definitely had the vibe of someone who'd go around doing that, but I couldn't think of any real flagrant examples. Cut to me watching a movie the other day, remembering that oh yeah, I skipped that one guy's review of it because I wanted to go in blind, and sure enough, that review has this big long crappy 5 minute aside of an out of left field "DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER!?" routine. So that's a shame.

Now this particular guy rather famously Does Not Get Out Much. Pretty sure he hasn't really have any exposure to a single trans person, or to any real die hard transphobes, and most likely what happened here is he saw I dunno, an episode of South Park or a facebook post from some bigoted aunt, or some Tiktok video, something like that, and just blithely assimilated it into his world view.

But you know, the reality is... to the best of my knowledge no trans person has ever actually said this, or anything similar to this, and we sure as hell don't live in a world where anyone would have the back of someone who did? But you know, here we are.

Now I want to be clear, this isn't some kinda thing where trans people can't take a joke or anything. Literally while I was typing this, some cis guy just tossed this out, and this is a real tired old hokey one, but I cracked a smile, because oh yeah, the whole "programmer socks" bit really is a weirdly accurate stereotype.

And there's plenty of other trans jokes I'll laugh at. Ones directly at my expense. Some real dark ones even. You wanna go off on trans women all having the same like 10 names and them all sounding like we were born in the 1800s, go for it. Other stuff about how we all dress? Coping mechanisms? Low standards? Being too into pickles and sriracha? There's plenty.

But "DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER!?" and while we're at it, "I identify as..." don't even have the vague shape of something you're ever going to encounter in reality. Like if I didn't know the context of where these came from and hadn't had them posted a thousand times or so by people with swastikas for avatars and such, these probably would get a laugh from me the first time I heard them, because they sound like weird surrealist humor. Like, "don't you hate how every time you go to the laundromat, you have to play chess with the dragon before they let you in?"

But, again, I know the context. And the context is a bunch of fascists want people like me dead, and they're both too scared to pick up a gun to do it themselves and too incompetent to know who to point it at or where to find them. So they sit around with each other and go "hey, what sort of person does everyone hate? Let's all say trans people talk like them!" And because they haven't spoken to a single human being besides each other and the rich parents they're sponging off since getting banned from the Something Awful forums in the 90s/punk bar in the 80s/whatever, they settled on "rich white person calling the cops on somebody for walking down the street" and "didn't I first get into being a hatemonger because I was stupid enough to think that time I saw someone roleplaying he really thought he was a big scary dragon?" Which has honestly worked out weirdly well for them when you stop for half a second to appreciate just how absolutely ridiculous it is to ever imagine cops coming to the aid of trans people.

Like... here's a situation that actually plays out in reality. I have a bad tooth. Dentist says I need a root canal, and she doesn't do them. Refers me to another dentist like an hour and a half away. I walk in, write my Victorian sounding name on some paperwork, fill in all my various medications, wait a bit, hop into the big dentist's chair, so far so good. This dentist busts out the pick and the mirror about to have a look, and goes "hey, so I noticed on your medications you're taking a ton of something called divigel? What is that?" I say "oh, yeah, I'm trans, so I'm on supplemental estradiol." She almost drops the mirror, stares at me like she just realized I'm Venom and if she bent down to look at my teeth I was about to swallow her whole head. She stands bolt upright, says, "your teeth are fine, get out." I'm a bit confused, but I can read a room, so I say "well that's weird, but OK..." and start to leave. I get a "have a nice day SIR!" shouted at me. And then I go out, call the cab company to say my appointment ended early, and get told too bad, it's coming when it's scheduled, and someone snickers. See, at some point in having to take cabs to all my appointments, a driver worked out that this woman he'd been picking up from this address for the past year has a similar voice to and maybe vague family resemblance to who he'd been picking up from that same address the year prior, and after getting the courage to ask me, guess who's constantly having cabs show up late, or not at all, or on time with a driver staring angrily into the rear view mirror while blaring AM radio with someone shouting about all "the gays" needing to be rounded up so they can burn in hell. And I just need to suck it up and live with it. I'm sure as hell not going to pick a fight over it. I'm just gonna stand out in the cold (fortunately with nice warm knee-high socks) waiting for this cab for an hour because I sure as hell can't stay in this lobby.

But again, the whole weird myth here posits a world where trans people are all-powerful and control the government and stuff. And the basis for that is like... sometimes people refuse to pass ridiculous laws to stop trans people from doing things we only do in bigots' imaginations at great taxpayer expense, and SOMETIMES someone is responsible enough to double check what's up before they allocate the funds. Like... hell, you know what's exactly as completely divorced from reality and honestly the same people doing to same crap? That wild BS about "schools keeping litter boxes in classrooms because all this acceptance of trans people means we also have to accept kids who think they're cats!" Like... how the hell can anyone actually be stupid enough to believe that anyone else could be stupid enough to believe that they're actually stupid enough to believe such an OBVIOUSLY made-up narrative? Like... lawmakers bring that one up and try to get bills passed on it. Everyone else in the room is socially obligated not to laugh and ask whether they also want to pass legislation against Bat Boy and UFO abductions. This is Ralph Wiggum tier absurdity.

But like... what do you do about this sort of thing, really? As the person ultimately has to deal with the dentists who think I'll bite their heads off, ask to speak to their manager, and drop trou over a sandbox the state mandates they keep in the middle of the room, I'm... not in the room when this BS gets concocted, or discussed, or shared in Minions meme some film critic sees and imitates to try and be relatable and relevant. Can someone else start grabbing all these people by the lapels and shake them and shout questions about how they can be this stupid, maybe invite them back to reality for me?

[forwomenbiwomen]

Hi!! Do you know anything about how the ideas of sex and gender became sperated?

To me, they've always been synonyms. It's just that "sex" was a scientific term (bio and med) and that "gender" was the everyday term. Just like how "menstruation" is a scientific term but people would generally say "period" instead, unless you're in a health class or at the doctor's.I know obviously trans people say they see sex and gender as different (although they really don't always act like they do.....I'm thinking specifically of trans people who want to change their sex marker on driver's liscenses and birth certificates but I'm sure there are other examples.) And I still have no clue what they actually mean by gender.

Anyway! I started looking into gender critical because the phrase made me think GCs were critical of gender roles and stereotypes. But it sounds like GCs also consider gender to be different than sex and I don't quite understand it. I've seen GCs say they're for gender abolition. So when you say "gender" are you using it as a stand-in for stereotypes? Or does it mean something else?

(P.S. I'm sending this ask to a few other GC tumblr accounts to hear different opinions/explanations)

Hello! 👋👋👋 💞💞

Yes, gender and sex are different. One is socially constructed and oppressive, and the other is biology. It did used to mean pretty much the same thing (bcs gender roles were absolutely rigid in the past) but with second wave feminism it began to take on a separate meaning, emphasising the way that socially constructed behaviours are expected from and leveraged to harm women.

Gender then basically means feminine or masculine behaviours and presentation, with no inherently corresponding sex.

Where radfems are critical of it is in the way women are expected to conform to these behaviours and presentations otherwise they are derided and ostracised by society.

Conservatives think

Female = Woman = Feminine

Male = Man = Masculine

Which leaves no room for GNC people and is biased against women (if you don't know, femininity is inherently passive and decorative)

Libfems/TRAs think (or at least their actions indicate)

Woman = Feminine

Man = Masculine

And ignores sex. This again leaves no room for GNC people. This can be seen in the countless times they claim a masculine woman to be an 'egg', or a feminine man to be an 'egg'.

Radfems think

Female = Woman

Male = Man

This doesn't presuppose anything about the person's behaviour or presentation. It is the only one to ignore gender completely, therefore only describing adult females as women and adult males as men. GNC people are thereby entirely free to present however they wish, while still acknowledging their sex, which is unchangeable and neutral.

Without culturally pressured gender roles (gender abolition) radfems believe that women's oppression under gender will fade away. It means doing away with feminine clothes making you "girly" and masculine clothes making you "manly". It means being confident as a woman isn't bitchy and being confident as a man is heroic; both are simply confident.

When TRA's claim to subvert gender roles, it is only true in that they are overwhelmingly GNC. However, they are working within the patriarchal framework; they believe that your behaviour and presentation (gender) is indicative of your inner, spiritual sex, and that GNC means you were born in the wrong body, because men don't act like that, or women dont act like that. Just look at all the stories of "I played with dolls and was effeminate, that means I'm actually a woman inside!!" etc.

By changing their presentation, they believe this identifies them with something other than their own sex. There is nothing else to tether them to this nebulous idea of sex escapism. In non-binary cases, this androgynous presentation is believed to separate you from being a woman and a man, despite those words only describing adult humans. It is the species-specific word for adult of that sex. (side note: this is the same linguistic pattern used for other animals, such as a adult female elephant being a cow and an adult male elephant being a bull. They are species-specific and indicate nothing about personality.)

It is sometimes backed up with pseudo-science such as brain sex, which has been debunked in several notable studies. Along with dysphoria, they are touted as 'proof' that they're a "man trapped in a woman's body" or vice versa. This claim is impossible if you don't believe there is consistent, verifiable dimorphism between the brains of men and women (brain sex) or that trans people somehow possess the soul of another sex. When they say that sex and gender are different, what they really mean is that they are only different on the outside.

It is far, far more likely that dysphoric individuals simply do not identify with the socially constructed gender pushed onto their sex. This does not make them another sex, this makes them GNC individuals.

[dancerfelix]

I am now making my own post in response to the "misogyny only affects women" thing because I don't want to reply spam people.

Trans women obviously do experience misogyny, despite being amab. So I can understand the impulse to go "well if trans women experience it, that means trans men don't" or "misogyny is about how you identify, not your agab". I think it may be the case that many transfem theorists are worried that by saying "most afab people experience misogyny regardless of how they identify", this will create a theory space that does not allow for anything other than "misogyny only affects people who are afab." And I do agree it's not just about agab. But it's genuinely quite frustrating to hear the specifically terf narrative that transmascs are just able to 'opt out' of misogyny by transitioning. Or worse, that our words for our pre transition experiences are somehow taking something away from women.

I do not think it is materialist to think that there is a meaningful difference in the way that a cis identifying she/her butch experiences oppression compared to a they/them afab nonbinary butch. There are differences, but I just can't imagine thinking that misogyny doesn't affect them both approximately equally. I would really love to hear a justification for this not being the case.

Part of the issue I think is assuming that misogynists care about how people they perceive identify. My desires and identity have never been relevant to the perceptions of people in my life. I've really had quite limited choices in how I am perceived: good girl, bad girl, freak. I guess maybe 100% stealth trans man is there too, but I would have to completely remove myself from my family to not experience bad girl/freak. Anti abortion politicians dont see me as not a woman, they see me as a uterus attached to a good girl, bad girl, or freak. Many of my past partners have seen me through that lens as well. No matter what I say about myself, I cannot get through to people who tune my voice out like kids in charlie brown tune out adults. And you know, you could argue that's "misdirected" misogyny but it's really not. People think I should be sexually available to men, and should be feminine, and should be a woman, so they treat me accordingly.

I don't think it's (generally) possible to just fully opt out of systems of oppression. Not for white passing POC, not for stealthing trans people, not for anyone. Maybe people from the global south via immigrating to the global north, but then there's xenophobia as punishment for that. However, I think you can absolutely 'opt in' to oppression. White people can face racial hate crimes for miscegenation. Bisexual men can face homophobia for doing homosexuality. Of course a "man" who can't or doesn't want to be a man is going to experience "not a man" treatment in society. It's not as if systems of oppression are going to stop looking for people to grind in the meat grinder. And trans women are an incredibly lucrative target for that meat grinder, because of the "woman" plus "trans" thing. I'm also willing to grant that like, closeted trans women also face misogyny, again because they can't necessarily really function as men in the ways that give men a safe + rewarding place in the patriarchy. I also think the "simply does not listen to people who aren't perceived as men" thing strongly contributes to the difficulties of amab nonbinary people in regards to being seen as either women (if they perform femininity) or men (if they dont, and then they are barred from queer + 'gender diverse' spaces).

[thesleepiestselkie]

i truly believe the trans community has got to start openly and loudly supporting detrans folks. i wanna share my story with y'all, and it is long and possibly triggering? and i say at least one nsfw thing. but i feel like a lot of trans people only ever see detrans stories weaponized against them, and therefore there's a good chunk of the trans community that has (understandably) a lot of vitriol towards detrans people. so since it's pride month, i wanted to talk a minute about being a nonbinary detrans person.

when i first started learning about trans and nonbinary identities, i knew pretty much immediately that i was nonbinary. i was in high school by the time i found out that you could be a different gender than the one on your birth certificate, and i was over the fucking moon. problem was, i was a homeschooled navy brat pastor's kid 3 for 1 combo and so my literal Only exposure to any world outside of patriarchal gender & sexuality norms was.... you guessed it! tumblr.

tumblr around 2013-2015 was a pretty weird and vitriolic place to be nonbinary. half the site claimed you were faking, the other half was trying to lure you in by spouting the weirdest genders on god's green earth. (i love y'all go wild with ur genders that's just not my brand of existence.) so like.... i picked a side? i decided when i was around 15 that being nonbinary was kinda cringe and from that point on i identified as a trans guy.

cue fighting with my parents for like 7 years about the whole existence of trans people, the idea that i was a trans people, this weird belief i had that i should have bodily autonomy, and this weird belief that they had that pretty much anything could be cured if you prayed hard enough (from anxiety to cancer to, surprise, transgenderism)

the only way i came out of that fight as myself was through transitioning. i very loudly expressed that i Would do what i wanted with my body, and they had no right to control me. when i started t shots, i was 19, and i loved it.

i was euphoric every time i got gendered correctly by a stranger, i celebrated the first time i shaved real beard hairs from my face, it was beautiful. genuinely. i was part of a community of other trans guys ("guys" here ranging from "100,000% binary ftm transsexual" to "transmasc nb who's just happy to be here") and we loved each other hard.

i think i started consciously having to push away real doubts about continuing to transition when i was pursuing top surgery. i really, truly, wasn't sure. but by that point, it felt almost expected of me from the one side, and absolutely forbidden on the other. and like, i don't know that i would have gone through with it if it was just our weird homoerotic groupthink, i was sick of my tits bc like. they're tits. they suck to live with regardless of how hot they are. i was sick and tired of choosing between binding (over ribs that had already been fractured at least once due to improper binding) or being misgendered. and i was exhausted of my parents telling me, at age 21, that i didn't have the right to do what i wanted with my body.

so i got top surgery. and, like, i was happy. but i think i knew i fucked up as soon as i woke up from the surgery. the surgeon didn't leave me with any areolas whatsoever, which i didn't think going in was even a possibility. and maybe this is trivial, but that sparked something in me that i was terrified to admit, and couldn't, until much later on: i felt dysphoria about not having my tits.

but like, i was committed to the bit, you know? i'd gotten used to being a guy, and it fit well enough, like a second-hand sweater. so i just kinda rode the wave as far as it would take me. i did my shots (with absolutely no regularity because through all 3 years i was on testosterone stabbing myself in the leg really never got less hard and scary) and if i was being real i would admit to myself that i was probably more transmasc than a trans *man*.

and then my brother died! of aforesaid cancer that my parents tried real hard to pray away. (to be clear, they also got him the best medical treatment they possibly could, they aren't full on religious nutjobs.) and, quite frankly, i hadn't realized before then how integral to my identity my brother was. (again, homeschooled military kid with exactly one similarly-aged person who was actually around for more than a couple years of my life.) it kinda broke the shell identity that i'd been hiding behind. i realized i had a responsibility to myself to be myself, and i just wasn't a fuckin trans guy.

so i stopped taking t, and i started opening myself up to dressing how i used to love dressing, before i got all truscummy. and i felt myself come back into my body a bit, for the first time in god only knows how long.

fast forward 3 (ish) long, godawful, miserable years of therapy and grief and more grief, and i'm a pretty well-adjusted nonbinary person. i have a wife and a 9-5 job and my creative drive has been returning in spades. but i'm still dysphoric about my tits. i miss them. i can't say whether i made a mistake in getting top surgery, because my mental health was so completely shot back then that it really might have saved my life in some way or other, but it feels like one now. they were pretty, and soft, and sensitive. i got my nipples pierced last year and literally could not feel it happening. i only have feeling in some parts of my chest. i look fine, and i've accepted that this is the body i chose to live in. but sometimes i wish i wasn't so afraid to talk about this feeling.

some of y'all talk a big game about supporting detrans folk, but i don't see it. in mainstream lgbtq+ culture, is it absolutely taboo to talk about detransitioning, and y'all know it is. and there is literally no one else speaking up for us. a lot of detrans people become anti-trans specifically due to the reception their detransition was given by the community. it is so transparently hostile towards us because we got it wrong. and if people can make mistakes, that might mean (*gasp*) you might make a mistake?? and then it's a Real risk and not a fake one that conservatives made up to scare the parents of trans kids. and we just can't have that.

shouldn't we be telling kids that in your life, you're going to do things you risk regretting, and it's okay, because everyone has regrets? it's not some trans-specific thing. i regret my college boyfriend and not taking better care of my first car. i also regret having top surgery. it's not a dirty word—i'm just some guy, and everyone fucks up, sometimes in life-ruining ways. mine wasn't life-ruining, just kinda hard to process. but man, it sure woulda been easier if literally the only welcoming community for detrans people wasn't coincidentally Extremely anti-trans 🙃

and like........ i'm also.... Still Trans? i detransitioned to the gender i was before i identified as ftm: nonbinary. i stopped my medical transition, i reverted back to they/them pronouns. i detransitioned, but the idea that only cis people detransition is overwhelmingly binarist if you think about it for more than 2 seconds. (idk if that's a word but i'm making it one. you literally know what i mean). i can participate in trans dialogue, but there are areas of my history that i just have to avoid because i'll start getting dirty looks.

so yeah. all that to say. please start including us. loudly. please make a safe space for people who made mistakes, because the only one that exists right now is built to radicalize us against the people for whom those choices weren't mistakes.

[ian-galagher]

This tag game was brought to you by the lovely lemony @depressedstressedlemonzest 🥰🧡

What are some movie /tv quotes that you quote often?

The Office, all the time... When I'm frustrated I'm Jan going JUST JUST JUST JUST!!!!! She then violently kisses Michael which I can happily say I don't do :)

What is your favorite flower?

I like the butterfly bush! For attracting butterflies 🥰

If you were in Avatar the Last Airbender what element would you want to bend? Earth, fire, water or air?

Fire!

What was your first job?

Newspaper round. I hated getting up at 4 but I saw sooo many animals around town! A buzzard once swooped down in front of my nose, chasing a jackdaw. Lots of hedgehogs out and about too. Plenty of snoring to be heard from open windows as well...

What is your favorite breakfast?

Plain yogurt with fresh fruit and honey!

What's a meal from childhood that you love?

A big bowl of steaming porridge with sugar on top and soup made from homemade broth! The best!

What's your favorite joke to tell?

Uuh ooh... I don't really have a joke ready at hand. I usually play off other people... I'm sure I'll think of LOADS later....

What's your favorite animal to see at the zoo?

SO MANY! I absolutely love polar bears, the sarus crane is stunning, and sloths! There's a couple at my local zoo who are being fed quite well and they RACE through the trees at an alarming speed really... apparently they're the best breeding sloths of any zoo 😅😂 not that lazy after all... 😏

What's your go to quick meal to cook/make at home?

Noodles with lots of veggies and nuts or a bowl of spaghetti!

What's your go to meal to cook someone to impress them?

Oeh! Coq au vin or chicken roast, which funnily enough is super easy to make but people LOVE it. It's all in the spices...

What's something you want to do better?

Talk to people, be social, which I struggle with a lot

If you're working do you like your job?

Anything keeping me away from writing is evil! But no, I love most of it 😁

Do you collect anything? What?

Souvenirs, trinkets, and I like to take home streamers after a concert 😁 I've got a great scrapbook with setlists, ticket stubs, that sort of thing

If you were trapped in a kids tv show, what show would you be okay with being trapped in?

The Powerpuff Girls! Just as a bystander though, not a superhero 😬 too scary!

An adults tv show?

Our Flag Means Death? Not sure I'd survive for long but it looks like so much fun! Being on a boat with a bunch of fellow gay people! I guess it's the most like being on Tumblr 😁

What kind of job did you want as a child?

A writer. In school I wrote endless stories about the most beautiful goose I'd seen in a field nearby. I named her Daisy. She was far prettier than the other boring white geese, with her brown stripes and busy pattern. It wasn't until years later that I read that the females are white and the males brown... I was ahead of my time writing about a trans goose.

Do you follow any sports? What team do you root for?

Nope! None! 😁

If you could be any animal what would you be and why?

Something with wings so I could fly with my head in the clouds 🥰

If you could be any mythological creature what would you be and why?

I've always like the Phoenix! Wings again, and their colors are so nice, orange-red 🥰 okay I looked up why they're always that color and they're based on the gold pheasant! Even better!

(look at the DOF in that photo... what do we think guys, F2.8?) 😉😂

What's the most obscure thing you've had to google for a fanfic you were writing/reading?

I'm still not over this: glow in the dark condoms?! This one reviewer said he had to sit with his dick in the light for so long that his erection had gone by the time it actually glowed in the dark... amazing. I guess some people wanna get dicked down by a light saber?

What milkovich do you identify with most?

Mickey. I'd love to be him and flip everyone off and not give a fuck but I could never! 😬😂

Which one are you actually like the most?

Tough one! Iggy?? I'm nothing like Mandy, Sandy, or (thank god) Terry...

What Gallagher do you identify with most?

Franny! I've never worn a dress or anything other than a pair of hiking boots (they're SO COMFORTABLE!!!! Why would anyone want to walk on anything else?!) and Ian and Mickey would be my favorite uncles too 🥰

Which one are you actually like the most?

Liam. Kinda serious and looking at everyone like they've lost their minds 😂

Tagging a whole bunch of wonderful people!!

@sickness-health-all-that-shit @sweetbee78 @tomorrowillmissyou @sleepyfacetoughguy @axhicleos @shameless-notashamed @mikhailoisbaby @darthvaders-wife @shinygalaxyperson @lalazeewrites @liamgallaghers @mishervellous @xninetiestrendx @y0itsbri @look-i-love-u @energievie @creepkinginc @vintagelacerosette @stocious @francesrose3 @gallagher-milkovich @gallavich-headcanon @darthvaders-wife @shinygalaxyperson @lalazeewrites @y0itsbri @liamgallaghers @mishervellous @gardenerian @thisdivorce

[discyours]

“Gay trans people are so much more entitled” Tumblr isn’t real life. Have you stopped to even maybe consider how straight trans people are a lot more likely to have community with who they’re attracted to. Gay trans do not. I’m sorry but this is soooo the opposite of everything I’ve seen and experienced in real life. Annoying people on tiktok are not the representatives of real life

If you'd told me to touch grass at any point during the time that I identified as trans I could've happily abided because I had plenty of it around me. Grass, cows, and farmland. A real life LGBT community, not so much. I was going to call your argument outdated given how intertwined the internet has become with real life but if anything the idea that everyone has access to an IRL LGBT community is extremely modern (and still not applicable to any of the dozens of people who live far away from major cities).

I don't think we should brush homophobes who are actively making the community unwelcoming to exclusively SSA people off as "annoying people on tiktok" when the online community is all some people have. And that's not about being a spoiled chronically online Youth who refuses to get off their phone and meet real people, even in the 90s a lot of LGBT people could only turn to online forums for acceptance and a sense of community.

But, for the record, I did end up finding an IRL community an hour away eventually and it absolutely wasn't better. It was a group that met once a month, usually only around 7 people showed up. The first time I went they were taking feedback on how the group was being run and a "trans lesbian" who had just aged out of the intended age bracket but didn't want to stop going jokingly complained that the group hadn't resulted in her having a wife and child yet. At that same meeting another trans woman complained that women were uncomfortable with her being in the women's changing room just because she had a penis. The person who ran the group was a pansexual woman who called herself a dyke (while being in a relationship with a man) and silenced my guilt of (at the time) feeling like I could only ever be happy with a woman by saying I may just meet a man I like. Online narratives on sexuality and perceived transphobia don't just stay online, they're created and absorbed by real people and those people go outside too. The group ended up shutting down because nobody wanted to run it anymore.

>Have you stopped to even maybe consider how straight trans people are a lot more likely to have community with who they’re attracted to. Gay trans do not.

How does that work in your head? The community actively looks down on lesbian/ftm and gay/mtf relationships to the point even people who might be interested in them won't touch that dynamic with a 10 foot pole. Bisexuals are in the community and can date both groups.

Also most "gay trans men" I knew when I identified as trans defined their sexuality by gender identity rather than sex and they just dated each other lmao. That's super common among "trans lesbians" too. I don't get what point you're trying to make.

[littleoddwriter]

Small fic where Sideshow Bob has a transmale friend who finally comes out to him?

Coming Out | Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger & Trans!Male!Reader (Platonic)

Hi there! Thanks for the request, I hope you like what I've done with it. :')

summary; See above.

notes; Pre-T Trans!Male!Reader; Platonic Relationship; Coming Out; Fluff; Comfort; Short Fic.

For quite a few years, Bob and you have been good friends. You met quite regularly, went to the theatre together, and simply had fun. It was always so easy and comfortable with him. Despite that, you were always at least a little tense to be around him, all because you still had to tell him that you were actually a man, unlike what he knew you as.

Generally, you knew he didn't have a problem with trans people. But you also knew that sometimes it didn't extent to one's close circle. You've had enough people tell you that they didn't see you as the man you said you were, nor did they believe you. And that hurt a lot. It also made you doubt yourself even more.

While you were certain that Bob wouldn't be as cruel as to say any of those things, the possibility that your friendship would take a hit scared you. You didn't want to lose him. Not even a little bit.

Sitting across from him, you were just having your regular Sunday brunch together at his home. Neither of you liked public places for that and he was an excellent cook, so you always did your own little thing at his place instead.

"What's on your mind? You haven't said anything in quite a bit," Robert said, eyeing you with concern.

You didn't realise that you had gotten so lost in your thoughts.

"Um, uh, well," you stammered, debating and fighting with yourself over whether or not you should finally tell him or not. But was it really the right time to do it now? Was it ever going to be the 'right' time? There was no way to know that.

Inhaling sharply, you looked at him. You were absolutely terrified and by the way he looked even more worried now, you guessed that it was very much visible how afraid you were.

"I have to tell you something," you stated slowly. He nodded in acknowledgement. "Well, this isn't easy, but, um, I'm transgender. I was born a girl, as you very well know, but I identify as a man. I- I- Yeah. I'm a man. I know I am. And I needed to finally tell you that because it drives me insane with dysphoria to hear you utter my dead name and all that. I was just so afraid. Still am. So I sucked it up for a long time, y'know?"

For a moment there was silence. It was thick and charged. And it felt like it went on for an eternity.

Then Bob smiled at you and nodded, "Okay. Thank you for telling me. What name did you choose for yourself then?"

"Y/N," you smiled, "Thank you, Bob. I was so worried you'd have a problem after all. I don't know. My anxiety sorta came up with all kinds of possible worst case scenarios."

"That's all right. I understand why. It's difficult to come out to someone. Especially as trans, I can imagine."

"Yeah, totally. Most of the other people I've told so far, um, they didn't take well to it. Let's just keep it at that."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Robert got up from his seat and walked over to you, putting a gentle, friendly hand on your shoulder. "I'm proud of you for not letting them win, though. No one knows you better than yourself. And no one gets to say a thing about your identity other than yourself."

Feeling tears well up, you lowered your head and blinked them away. You didn't want to cry now; even though they were happy tears for the most part.

"Thanks for being my friend," you told him softly.

"Nothing to thank me for, Y/N."

Hearing him say your name, your actual name, made you so happy and euphoric, you couldn't contain your glee. After you practically jumped up from your chair you hugged him tightly.

No matter what your path to self-fulfilment looked like from here, you knew you didn't have to find out by yourself. You had at least one fantastic friend, who walked it with you.

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Good day to you!

Gender question: I recently heard that binary trans psyches become more stable when they start taking their identified hormone. Like ftm mental health will improve when their testosterone increases. If I think I think I'm enby but my depression goes away when I increase my T, does that make me any less nonbinary? Is it different when you're dealing with binary hormones (estrogen vs testosterone) and a third gender not associated with either? Am I trying too hard to be different but I'm actually appropriating a repressed identity? Asking for a friend~

hello, dear! first of all, i want to make it very clear that i have absolutely no qualifications to answer this question. i have zero medical training, i am not educated on hormones, i have not even really read about this subject. so i'm going to give my opinions and what little i do know, largely just from lived experience, and i want to be clear that that's all you're getting, so please don't take my word as any sort of authority here.

secondly, before we go any further, you cannot "appropriate" being nonbinary or trans as long as you are someone genuinely questioning if you are/believe that you are nonbinary/trans, provided you're not using a culturally specific identity that is not open to you, such as native american two spirit.

if you are not faking on purpose, you're not faking, and if you're not faking on purpose, you are not doing anything wrong. your gender belongs to you, it's a personal identity, not a culture that can be appropriated. you are free to explore it, change your mind, and change your labels at any time, in any way, for any reason, because it belongs to you, and it's about what makes you feel the most comfortable in yourself.

thirdly, it's also important just to be aware that it's possible to be a nonbinary trans man on T. if you feel like you are ftm, if you want to take T, be masculine, etc, that doesn't mean you're not nonbinary. nonbinary is not inherently "third gender unrelated to masculine or feminine", it's an umbrella term that encapsulates a damn near infinite kaleidoscope of gender expressions that don't fit into the boxes of "100% male" or "100% female".

personally, i go by nonbinary because i don't know of a word that actually describes, "i was trained to categorize myself as a girl but i never fit in with the girls, i often felt more comfortable with the boys but i've never actually wanted to BE a boy, i hate being called a woman but i'm fine using she/her pronouns, i'm also fine being regarded in more masculine terms because there's definitely a masculine part of me, but i think that the very core of me, my soul i suppose, is genderless. i don't want to use they/them or wear a binder, though sometimes i daydream about having a mastectomy and hysterectomy just so i'd never have to wear a bra or get a period again, and i kind of like being referred to as mx." i have no idea what to call that except nonbinary, so i just say nonbinary, and it's okay that my nonbinary is very different from other people's nonbinary.

if you want to take T, if you want to transition or do anything else associated with being ftm, that is completely okay. that doesn't mean you faked being nonbinary, and if you explore being transmasculine and it turns out it's not for you, that doesn't mean you faked being transmasculine either. while there are some people who "always knew", there are also lots of people who have to try out different identities and labels until they find the one that's actually right for them.

AND, sometimes your labels change without your prior identity being "wrong". if you end up transitioning to binary transmasculine, that doesn't mean you weren't nonbinary before, it would just mean you aren't anymore. not being something anymore doesn't necessarily mean you never were. sometimes we just change.

fourthly (?), i don't know whether it's a fact that "binary trans psyches become more stable when they start taking their identified hormone". i'm sure that that does happen often, i'm sure that receiving proper hormone therapy absolutely can improve trans mental health, but i don't know that it's a hard and fast rule. hormones are powerful things, and i'm sure that sometimes just having your chemistry altered can cause some psychological upheaval. and on the other hand, sometimes having your hormones adjusted can make you feel better just on a purely physical level, totally irrespective of gender.

in other words, i don't think anyone should start T or E expecting it to significantly improve their mental health, but if it does, that's great. i also don't think that feeling better on T means that you're a trans man, or should i say, it doesn't mean that you have to be. if you feel better on more T, you don't have to throw up your hands and say, "well i guess i'm a man now," like you have no choice in the matter.

do you want to be a man? do you think that being a man (binary or not) would make you happy? would you feel more comfortable in your skin if you presented as masculine?

honestly, i think sometimes those are better questions to ask than sitting around soul-searching for what you "really are". maybe you're like me and you don't have a single word to summarize yourself, or maybe you'll only find that word after exploring new experiences. maybe you'll find something that you've repressed, or maybe you'll just create something new that you never imagined before.

regardless, i don't think you should worry. if you feel more stable and happy taking more T, that's great. do that. if you feel more comfortable and authentic transitioning to male, that's great. do that. if you don't want to do that, then don't do that. explore yourself and your expression without fear that you're appropriating anything, because you aren't.

you're okay, sweetheart. just keep living. you'll figure it out.

[seveneyesoup]

Questioning your Gender (for Trans People!)

So not long ago, I realized my gender had changed, or my relationship to it had. I went in the questioning tags, as well as tags for labels I thought might apply to me, to see if I could find stories that resonated with me. Unfortunately, at least from what I saw, most the posts in the tags for different labels were pride things, rather than people’s experiences, and ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I saw in the questioning tag was for people wondering if they were trans for the first time. So, I’m making this post, which can hopefully help out someone in the same position I was in.

It'll be split into two sections - things to ask yourself and actions to take - and each section will have things that should hopefully help you, whether you're a binary trans person wondering if you're nb, nonbinary and questioning if you're binary, or if you're nonbinary and just thinking your current label no longer fits.

Questions to Ask:

When you first learned about trans people, did you decide you must be a binary trans person in an attempt to get as far away from your agab as possible?

Do you gravitate toward leaning very hard into the feminine or masculine solely or primarily so people don't see you as your agab?

When you first wondered if you were trans, did you decide you must be nb because it felt like a big leap to be the "opposite gender" or because you didn't altogether dislike having ties to your agab?

Have you told people you use any pronouns, secretly hoping they'd use a certain set of them for you, only to be let down when no one does?

When you get ready to go somewhere, how do you want people to see you? As a feminine man? A masculine woman? Do you just want them to have a hard time guessing your gender?

Imagine people saw you, with no effort on your part, as completely, wholly, the gender in question. How does that prospect make you feel?

If you feel gender envy, who do you feel it toward? Is there something your envies have in common?

How do you mentally refer to yourself in your head? Does it match with the pronouns you've asked other people to use for you?

When do you feel the most "gender"? What things make you feel like you're most in line with the gender you want to present? How does it compare to the gender you feel like you "should present" because of your label?

Do you find yourself seeing people in public and hoping that's how people see you? What aspects of that person do you hope you have in common?

If you identify as nonbinary but lean heavily to one side of the spectrum, do you think you would id as nb if you were the other agab?

If you've begun to transition (in any capacity), are there any relics of your agab you've kept? Is it because you like them, or just because you don't see them as an obstacle to your transition? (For example, if your given name is gender neutral, do you keep it because you like it and it feels like you, or because you don't think it's gendered enough to require replacing?)

If you present in a mostly neutral way, how do you feel when strangers refer to you in gendered terms?

If you have a specific label in mind, how do you think of people who use that label? How does the idea of people feeling that way about you make you feel?

If you had to choose, would you rather be a binary-gendered person who uses neutral pronouns, or a nonbinary person who uses gendered pronouns?

Actions to Take

Are there any things marketed for the "other" gender (eg soaps, socks, underwear) that you haven't tried because you don't think you need them? Try them anyway and see how you feel about them!

Is there a name that's appealing to you, but you haven't asked anyone to use because it's too gendered, or not gendered enough? Give it a shot.

Is there anything associated with your agab that you miss? Maybe you left it behind deliberately in an attempt to be more in line with your gender, maybe you just stopped doing it without noticing. Pick it back up!

After you shower, try wearing your towel under your arms instead of around your waist or vice versa.

Experiment with things you don't need associated with the "opposite" gender, like wearing a bra or shaving your face, even if you're not on the hormones to need to do those things.

Are there pronouns you want to try, but haven't? Do it! If you want, you can send me an ask with a name and pronouns you'd like to test, and I'll write a few sentences for you using them. (If they're neopronouns, please include the full set of them so I know how to use them correctly.)

Try presenting as a binary gender, but doing it Wrong. How does it make you feel? If you already do, what part is appealing to you? Is it the wrongness or the proximity to the gender it represents? Try playing that up next time.

What specific things, if any, do you need to stop you from feeling dysphoric? Try presenting in a way that, aside from accounting for those things, is very gender neutral.

Try dressing in ways that defy gender, like a super masculine outfit with lipstick only, a very feminine outfit with masc boots and jacket and no makeup, or a masc outfit with a fem button-down, big earrings, and winged eyeliner with no other makeup.

Write a little paragraph about yourself, or even just say aloud "My name is [name], my pronouns are [pronouns], and I am [label]." How does that sound to you? How does it feel? You can supplement that by writing a little in the third person about yourself using the name and pronouns in question, like "[name] is questioning [pronoun]'s gender. [pronoun] thinks [pronoun] might be [label] or [label], but [pronoun] isn't sure. [name] is planning to experiment and see what [pronoun] likes, and suspects ultimately [pronoun] may end up using [label]."

The last piece of advice I have to give is to not focus too much on labels. Don't worry about finding the next box to put yourself in, just focus on doing what makes you feel content in yourself and your gender. Labels can come later, and when you feel like it's time, keep in mind that it's better to have a label that feels right, even if it's not a perfect description of your experience, than it is to have a label that matches perfectly and that you don't like.

Best of luck on your journey, and remember:

[ID: a post by tumblr user @a-bright-ray-of-sunshine reading "If something makes you go "!!!!!!!!!" inside, it is completely valid and worth keeping around!" End ID]

[transmascore]

is it possible, even after iding as a trans man comfortably for a year, to suddenly experience a lot of doubts that feel like sort of set you back? the thing is i am hoping to move out and see a gender therapists around next year, but there's a part of me that's worried that i will be told that i am like... not a man, and i don't want to be anything but a man, but at the same time there's a part of me that's worried that i will regret transitioning because a lot of people seem to, and it's just been bothering me a bit. did you ever have doubts and do you have any advice on how to like deal with them?

Absolutely - I think all of us experience doubt at one time or another. I've been out for almost 7 years now, did HRT, had top surgery, had a legal name and gender change, and sometimes I still wonder "...but am I REALLY trans? am I really a man?"

So, I review the facts. What words feel right to me? How do I want to be perceived by others? Who do I most relate to? And each time, I conclude that I'm a trans man. I want to be seen as a man, I want to be called a man, and I relate the most to men.

The only person that can determine your gender is yourself. If "man" rings true to you, if that's who you feel that you are, then that's who you are. That's not something anyone can "debunk" or take away from you.

And if you do happen to identify differently later in life, there's nothing shameful about that. It doesn't invalidate how you feel right here, right now. Me preferring they/them pronouns now doesn't erase the fact that he/him was what used to make me feel most at home. Me enjoying skirts now that my dysphoria has been mitigated by HRT and surgery doesn't erase the severe dysphoria those garments used to give me before I transitioned. I needed to do what I needed to do at that stage in my life to feel comfortable with myself, and I don't regret a thing.

Granted, I still identify as a man, but I've read from people who transitioned and then went on to identify as nonbinary or as women. And for the most part, these people feel similarly - that they don't regret their decisions, and that transitioning helped them arrive at their current selves. While genuine transition regret does exist, it's extremely rare and its prevalence is greatly over exaggerated by transphobes in an attempt to fearmonger.

But yeah, like I said before, it's good to check the facts. Go over a list of gendered words and pronouns - see what feels right to you. Maybe try writing about yourself in third person, or asking someone else to do this for you. Try playing video games as characters with different genders - how does it feel to be perceived in different ways? Especially if you can customize that character - what feels more representative of how you want to appear externally? Is it a flat chest, facial hair? Neither of those things? All of these are great ways to check-in with yourself and see where you're at in terms of gender identity and presentation.

[hollyhomburg]

(1) I find everyone's reaction to your belief in Yoongi's not-straight-sexuality more than a bit telling. Kpop is full of hysterical gender/sexuality policing. Lot's of straight girls/women who don't mind the idea of 2 men sexually as long as their self-insert is inbetween. G-d forbid any depictions of actual male bi/pan/gay identity come about. The men ALWAYS have to be dominant. G-d forbid you write femdom, they clutch their pearls. Gotta split this into 2 asks as I'm running out of room.

(2) Then if you write a bisexual female as actually having sex with another woman, they freak out. And that's if you can find F/F/M in this fandom, I have found 3 whole fics with it. And the writers had loads of comments about how the readers weren't into other women. It's complete and utter crap. So it's not you, it's a whole bunch of jerks who aren't as "open-minded" as they think they are and can't handle their fantasy being messed with. I feel this needs to be said: I'm not straight, I'm bi.

(i know i said i wasn’t answering asks on this but i wanted to give your ask it’s day in the sun!), yeah its honestly like- so hard to be in this community as a queer person sometimes, because for all its faults- the twitter army community actually is pretty open. and at least there they don’t shame people for just talking bout their idols in a queer way. I saw a thread that was nearly identical to the one I posted- and it had easily 10k retweets. some hate comments sure but still. 

recently I've been thinking a lot about writing a story, IDK how many people saw the little snippet I posted with like, transman Jimin, transwoman Tae, non-binary Koo, non-binary reader. and then Hyung line who are just like aggressively supportive in the “if you touch a hair on my babies heads or miss gender them at all i will absolutely shank you” “Yoongi no one says shank anymore” “okay i will absolutely BEAT YOUR ASS FIRST” 

and the story would just deal with like- tae figuring out she’s trans, and then having a kind of camaraderie with the reader because at the beginning of the story she identifies fully as female. and through the story she kinda starts to feel like she can’t come out because she and tae are just- they’re the babygirls of the group- she loves the kinda bond she and tae have when they talk about makeup and fashion and feeling pretty and wanting to feel pretty.

 but the m/c slowly starts to realize that liking makeup and wanting to be pretty has nothing to do with actually identifying as a woman and it kinda builds and builds until Jungkook comes out as non-binary and she kinda like breaks- and no one really knows why except for Jimin. Jimin who knows how hard it is to be one thing but still love things that alienate you from your identity.

 but it ends up being mostly positive! she and Jungkook start to explore non-binaryness together. with some conversation about how its really hard to be considered a ‘real’ non-binary by the community sometimes if you started on the female side of things. like- no one questions jungkook’s non-binariness if he wears sweats one day and skirts the next. but the second the m/c does anything at all feminine they’re “just faking it for attention” and there is a sweet moment between the two of them where jungkook is like. “you’ll still be not a girl if you wear dresses in skirts, we know who you are and we get it- and if you decide you want to lean heavily one way or the other that's fine too- we’ll still love you”  

i just like the idea of Jimin and jin help the reader cope with dysphoria. and jin never minds when you flip between calling him “Hyung” and “oppa” from sentence to sentence. languages can be hard and honestly, he doesn't mind, he just feels soft and protective and so possessive over you four. the youngest of your group, it makes his heart swell with pride when he sees you happy. 

you have little parties where you all decide “for the next 4 hours presentation doesn't matter- I just don't want to wear a fucking binder anymore” and you do facemasks and Hobi does all of your nails because he has the steadiest hands in Bts. Namjoon is always super soft with Jimin making sure he gets up in time in the morning to take his T, being all soft and swabbing the area on his hips, finishing it up with a bandaid when he’s done. 

this page for me has always been about giving comfort to the people who couldn't find it in other places in the fandom. I’ve always been willing to unpack this kind of emotional story, the trauma, the nitty-gritty. and i really think that we need to be more comfortable discussing queerness and gender identity- personhood- without distilling it down to “this is wrong” vs “this is right” 

because once we start classifying things that way- we’re only a shade off from bigotry and I don't like the idea that I create content for people who are in some way homophobic. one thing certain to me- if you saw my posts about Yoongi and me saying “huh- seems like he’s probably not straight” and felt the need to send me hate because of it- you have internalized homophobia in some way shape or form. 

cuz for me honestly- when I see something I don't like on the internet that I don't like- I just have a little icky feeling- and then I move on. maybe if I'm particularly upset about it I’ll make a post about it on this page- away from where anyone can see it most of the time. but to feel so enraged by the simple insinuation that someone isn’t straight- when that insinuation comes from the person's own mouth- that you need to go try and tear down the person who just wanted to talk about it- that's homophobia. plain and simple.  it gives me the vibes of like- if you went to your parent and you were like “sometimes i feel like i might be a little gay” and they go “no you’re not.” like- not even letting you question or explore your identity. 

well anyway- this has been a long rant. don’t know if I’ll ever write that super queer BTS drabble but who knows. 

[werevulvi]

What's the difference(s?) between being GNC vs trans NB in your opinion??? I used to think they were very diff until i read about "you don't need dysphoria to be trans" discourse and also stories from dysphoric GNC ppl so is it like a matter of ideology?

There is a lot that goes into this, so this will be a very long reply... but yes, ideology is deeply soaked into it, although it's not only because of that, I think. So like, okay, first off, you probably know I come from a radfem perspective, but then I also take into consideration things that radfem in general may disagree with if I find it to be logical or making sense enough. So my opinions are more so rooted in what I personally think is logical and makes sense, as well as facts, which just so happens to mostly align with radfem, rather than being truly rooted in radfem.

That said, however, this particular topic is not so much based on scientific facts (as there's just not much established science to go on here) but more so on anecdotal evidence and my own logical conclusions of that.

Not sure where to start, but there are several different "ways" to "validate" the existence of nonbinary, if you feel ever so inclined. One is by understanding that a nonbinary person who's dysphoric has the same legitimacy to identify outside of the sex they were born as, as "binary" trans people, and if their dysphoria is atypical enough, that it also makes sense for them to not wanna identify as the opposite sex either.

That is probably the simplest way to view nonbinary as different from being gnc, by simply applying the same logic to them as you would to differentiate butch/masc women from trans men, or feminine men from trans women: their sex dysphoria is the defining factor, not how they dress/act.

And how to then differentiate nonbinary from "binary" trans, is that the nonbinary dysphoria is often atypical in nature. That generally means the person may be dysphoric about only some of their sex characteristics, but not all (for example a dysphoric nb may have discomfort towards their chest and voice, but not their genitals or their curves/lack of curves) - but it can also mean that the dysphoria is towards all of their sex characteristics but the desire is to look "sex neutral" instead of as the opposite sex. It can also be a combination of those. A third distinction is that their dysphoria may be fluctuating a lot. Like maybe they feel really uncomfortable with their sex for a certain amount of time, then love their bio sex, then again dysphoric. Basically any sex dysphoria that makes the person not feel like they "should" appear as the opposite sex entirely could be called atypical.

This is also NOT to say that "binary" trans people who opt out of for example genital surgery are nonbinary. It has to do with the intent/desire, what one's body would be ideally and how one interprets that ideal - not necessarily what they actually change with hormones/surgery in practice. Like for example there IS a difference between being okay with one's vagina and not wanting any surgery on it because neo-penis doesn't live up to one's desires, but still wishing they had an actual penis - and actually genuinely LOVING one's vagina and feeling strongly protective of keeping it as is, with no desire to have an actual penis, while still being dysphoric about other sexed aspects of one's body. However, that's also not saying trans men have to be dysphoric about their vaginas to count as "binary" - it has more to do with the individual's own interpretation of what their dysphoria means to them, and what being a man/woman/nonbinary means to them.

But there is more to it than that, which is what you call into question: the "you don't need dysphoria to be trans." This is where it gets tricky, anecdotal and a little whimsical.

Many are sceptical of that notion, however most nonbinary people are not. Ideology does absolutely go into this. The sceptical ones tend to be (or lean) transmedicalist/truscum, or in rarer cases radfem, while those who don't think you need dysphoria to be trans tend to be (or lean) tucute/sjw/libfem. And I too am more than just fairly sceptical of this... However, I have found one argument which I'm considering... plausible, for considering non-dysphoric trans to be a possibility.

That argument is: gender incongruence without marked distress.

This is where shit gets complicated, so I'll try to explain it as well as I can, and then you can make your own opinion on if there's any legitimacy to it, or look into it further if you wish. I'm not here to attempt to change your opinion in any way. I'm only sharing what made me reconsider the notion that dysphoria is necessary to be trans. What you do with that info, is entirely up to you, and I honestly don't even care about holding it against you, or anyone else, for that matter. I just wanted to clarify that, in case this comes off as me trying to shove a weird ass argument down your throat, as that is absolutely not my intention by any means. You're absolutely free to call bullshit on this.

Alright, before I dig into it, I first have to raise the question "what is gender/sex dysphoria?" and answer it: My understanding of what this type of dysphoria is, is that it's not only wishing your body looked different and to be read as the opposite sex (or both/neither sex) but it's categorised as marked distress/strong discomfort towards your body's sex. This is important, so try to remember that.

I used to think that's all there is to feeling like you're not capable/willing to live with your body/gender* as it is naturally. However, I then started talking to a few transsexual MtF's and FtM's who happily medically transitioned... without dysphoria, and their stories puzzled me, but they also intrigued me. Thus, I listened with an open mind.

(*I should probably explain my view on what gender is, but very briefly: I consider it a personal interpretation of one's experiences with anything gendered and/or sexed. So it's a subjective perception and personal conclusion, more so than a feeling, similar to how "feeling cold" regardless of actual temperature is perception and a conclusion of how your mind and body responds to the temperature, and not an actual feeling like happiness or anger, nor is it objective fact. "Gender" can also simply be "I wish I was male but in fact I'm female. Thus I intepret my gender as man" without even including gender norms at all, but literally only focusing on sex. I personally conclude my own gender by my bio sex and my sex characteristics (including transitioned/desired ones) only, but I also accept the former definition for others just fine.)

Then I started also analysing my own dysphoria and noticed that it's not really a one big solid thing happening, but different aspects that together make me come to the conclusion that "I'm not comfortable looking/being clearly female, I feel a deep internal desire to look/be partially male, thus transitioning is alluring to me."

Split apart it's more like this: 1.) The first aspect is a strong discomfort with certain aspects of being physically female (I mean in the past before I transitioned, to clarify.) 2.) The second aspect is a strong desire for those aspects of my body to instead be male (again, only applicable in the past tense, as those aspects of my body now are appearing male.) 3.) The third aspect is what is the social result of what my sexed body appears like, meaning people read me as a man or woman based on what sex my body looks like, which is a direct reminder of what I look like (negative pre-transition, positive post-transition.)

The third aspect is generally what's considered "social dysphoria" and generally is considered a result of physical/sex dysphoria, than a stand alone thing. Some disagree with this, however. Many trans people split their experience of dysphoria into "social" and "sex/physical" as it's very common to experience both. However, both the first and second (as listed above, to clarify) aspects are together what most people only recognise as simply "sex/physical dysphoria" without really paying attention to that there are TWO aspects of it. One which pushes you away from your actual sex, and the other which pulls you towards the opposite sex (or both/neither.)

And here's where shit gets interesting... What if a person only has one of those two aspects of physical/sex dysphoria?

Meaning, they either feel discomfort about their physical sex, but lack the desire to instead appear more like the opposite, or both/neither sex (just discomfort, no desire) - or they have the desire to appear like the opposite, both or neither sex, but lack the discomfort towards their actual physical sex (just desire, no discomfort.)

The former point, feeling discomfort without desire, arguably is not "really" gender dysphoria, but something more along the lines of body dysmorphia/poor body image. That, however, is only my personal, unprofessional opinion. As most shit I say is, lol.

That latter point, however: Having the desire to appear like the opposite, both or neither sex, but lacking the discomfort towards one's actual physical sex - is basically what is considered experiencing gender incongruence, but without actual dysphoria.

So then what is gender incongruence? Typically it's part of gender dysphoria as a whole: it being sex dysphoria, gender incongruence, social dysphoria, and if/when alleviated: gender euphoria. If you have all those aspects then it's not really important to consider the incongruence aspect separately. However, what gender incongruence is, is basically just feeling like you should be of the other sex (or both/neither.) So, it's basically just the "desire" aspect of what's generally considered the concept of "gender dysphoria" as a whole. Except, without distress... dysphoria is not dysphoria.

Whether it's actually possible to have gender incongruence without dysphoria, I think is very difficult to say. However, what I struggle to de-legitimise is: if someone is transitioned (especially medically) and happy with the result, but what drove them to transition in the first place was a desire without distress. So what I actually consider to be "trans" is not necessarily "dysphoric person" but rather anyone who is happily transitioned, or know they would be happier transitioned, regardless of what drives/drove them to transition in the first place - as well as dysphoric people who don't wish to transition and/or detransitioned.

One thing I find compelling about this "incongruence without dysphoria" argument is that this is not actually a new thing.

I spoke to an older trans man (in his 50's) who transitioned back in the 90's and said outright that he never experienced dysphoria, yet he's (by his own words) satisfied with his transition. He's a fairly known and I guess "famous" trans activist in Sweden, and also hangs out in the same fb group as me, apparently. So I exchanged a few words with him on the topic of dysphoria. Although he didn't call his experience "gender incongruence" that's kinda what he seemed to imply. I've also talked to an older trans woman who also transitioned decades ago and also firmly stated and explained she never experienced dysphoria, yet is happily transitioned. Then I've also heard the same sentiment from a few younger trans people.

But in total, I've heard about it from less than 5 trans people, and all I have is that anecdotal info.

But then the thing is that they were all medically transitioned. They "prove" to me that they're trans by simply being satisfied with their transitions. So whether they had dysphoria or not is not actually important in hindsight. What matters is that they're satisfied with how they changed their bodies. Because when it comes to most "non-dysphoric" nonbinary people out there, they don't even wish to transition medically at all. And that is different. Are all of them legitimate cases just like the "non-dysphoric" yet happily transitioned trans men and women I've talked to? No, probably not. I mean, let's be honest.

Nonbinary is (no matter how much a legit thing for some, also) a hype/trend and very many do absolutely try to identify out of misogyny, sexist gender norms, sexual trauma, etc, by picking up the nonbinary label. Some of them experience body discomfort vaguely related to their sex traits, but it's not actually gender dysphoria, or whatever it is, transitioning would probably not be the best solution for them. I think it's important to keep in mind that the culture around nonbinary identities is to not ever question their identities and that any kind of "invalidating" is considered a horrible hate crime, to them.

That attitude is a recipe for validating people who are not actually trans, but suffer from gender in other ways. And I don't think we should forget or dismiss that. I don't think there's much harm in them simply carrying a nonbinary label and some odd set of pronouns - but letting every single nonbinary identified person jump on hormones and surgery would be a very terrible idea, and when it comes to that identity specifically, I'd be VERY, very careful, as they seem more likely to disregard the possibly negative outcomes of medical transition and then end up devastated, as many of them disregard dysphoria, and often logic and reason altogether... where as "binary" trans people, although not at all without doubt and detrans rates, tend to be at least a little bit more careful and educated.

That said, however... I have heard from ONE nonbinary person who very nicely explained their experience of basically gender incongruence without dysphoria, and they were also happily medically transitioning. They were also older and seemed mature and emotionally stable. So, I'm at least open to the possibility that some nonbinary people can be satisfied with transition without gender dysphoria, and thus, I'd personally count them as trans. It's a youtuber so I could probably link that video in which they explained it, if I can find it from my huge playlist of "favourites" to which I'm pretty sure I added it. I found that video through Blaire White making a rant video about how the nb person was only transitioning for attention. Valid concern, but erh, I think she made an incorrect assertion, in that particular case.

Anyhow, I do worry that this whole argument of "incongruence without dysphoria" very easily becomes a slippery slope of... basically people transitioning for shits and giggles, or because they have a bad self image and just really badly hope the grass will be greener on the other side, which is why I'm still very hesitant to give it credit, and at this point I'm still only considering it plausible.

One thing worth noting is that some transmeds actually think that having incongruence without dysphoria counts as a form of dysphoria, but that is in fact not the medically established definition of gender dysphoria. "Dysphoria" in and of itself literally means "abnormal depression and discontent" so taking the distress aspect out of gender dysphoria is going against its very definition. So that's quite some intellectual dishonesty, that some transmeds are willing to admit that some trans people don't have dysphoria, but without actually admitting it, because that would go against their ideology.

I also think that it's foolish to say that every trans person who is happily transitioned "must" have been dysphoric, because we can't actually know that. We have not actually heard every single trans person's reason for why they transitioned. We can only assume that it was probably because of dysphoria, because that is the (most, or only) logical reason for wanting to transition in the first place, and for being satisfied with one's transition in the long run. That is not enough to make the claim that ALL happily transitioned trans people MUST have experienced dysphoria, which means there is and always has been a possibility that you may not actually need dysphoria to be trans, even if it's the most common reason.

I think it's important to at least be open to listen to especially happily transitioned people's experiences when they don't align with our beliefs on what makes someone trans. They might be wrong about what their inner experiences with gender actually mean (as in they might have had dysphoria but were unaware that's what their experience was, or they might not actually be all that happy with having transitioned) - and we might be wrong about that gender dysphoria being the only thing that could make a person satisfied with transition.

So like... keep using those critical thinking skills, even after you think you know the truth ;)

Have I really answered your question, though? I'm not sure, but basically: trans nb generally means that your self-interpretation of your gendered experience as a whole (meaning how you RELATE to being male/female, feminine/masculine, considered a man/woman, etc, not if you are gnc per se) does not match your own interpretation of what it means to be either "fully" a man or "fully" a woman. Which is what gets watered down to the chanted phrase "nb means not identifying as either fully male or female."

So, how is that different from just being gnc? In some cases, it actually isn't. Some really do think that rejecting gender norms is what makes them nb, and in those cases, I won't personally consider them trans or truly nonbinary. But what matters (I think) is that there are also nb people who base it on sex dysphoria, and/or gender incongruence as thoroughly explained above, and I think there is at least some legitimacy to those reasons.

Then how gnc gets in the picture for those latter two reasons is pretty simple: For the same reason most trans men are masculine: to more easily blend in among men in society, as masculinity can in some cases help with passuing as male when you're female (and vice versa for femininity and passing as female for males.) That is sadly due to the reinforcement of masculinity as being "intended for men" and femininity as being "intended for women" which causes many people to subconsciously connect femininity with femaleness and masculinity with maleness, and many also confuse those things.

Ever heard a woman say that her having breasts is a "feminine" trait, for example? Yeah, no, it's not. That's her confusing femininity for what's actually a female trait. However, having large breasts can be considered "more feminine" than having small or no breasts, due to how society views gender, but that does not mean that large-breasted females are inherently "more feminine" than small-breasted ones, or those who don't have breasts, because that's really just a natural variation of femaleness.

That's an example of how femaleness easily gets blurred with femininity, and vice versa masculinity gets equally blurred with maleness, with for example beards and deep voices. Because the feminine and masculine archetypes do also include certain female and male body types. This is why I view my transitioned features from testosterone as male features rather than as masculine ones, because I can more easily differentiate what is SEXED from what's GENDERED, than probably most people, mostly due to my rather unusual upbringing. Thus, "binary" trans people can take advantage of that societal confusion and blur the lines between being perceived as masculine vs male (or feminine vs female for MtF) because the gender norms are so ingrained. Of course it doesn't always work in favour for trans people (hence non-passing trans men being seen as butches, and trans women seen as drag queens) but it CAN fool the eye to some extent.

Then, as for nonbinary people and androgynous gender expression: androgyny has often, historically been confused with... well, I may fail to put this delicately, but yeah basically having certain intersex conditions, which have been poorly understood throughout history as "hermaphrodites" and other harmful shit. Androgyny, meaning a combination of feminine and masculine, can thus be used to a nonbinary person's advantage (at least in theory) to attempt to confuse others to see them as either a combination of male and female (similar to false representations of certain intersex conditions, which I want for everyone to know that I absolutely abhor) or as sexless, basically.

(Just a sidenote for clarification of gnc: being "gnc" is in and of itself a form of androgyny, in either the combination of "feminine + masculine" or "feminine + male" or "masculine + female" but when it comes to binary vs nonbinary types of gender expression, I think it's important to differentiate the degree of gender non-conformity being expressed. I vaguely differentiate "androgynous" from "fem male" and "masc female" here and I hope you know what I mean. It's not to make more unnecessary boxes, but just for the sake of argument. Kinda like a gnc lesbian is not necessarily a butch, but a butch is definitely a gnc lesbian, if that makes sense.)

Does androgyny have that same "confusion effect" as masculinity and femininity, though? Not really, in practice. Fewer are fooled by it, largely because "androgynous agender/bigender" (neither gender/both genders) is not an established social gender category like "feminine woman" and "masculine man" are, but is more like a fantasy concept. Also most people will automatically want to figure out if someone is male or female, which makes it extra hard for nb people to actually be viewed as... not that. So "androgyny as expression for sexlessness/both sexes at once" mostly only works in theory, but that is (or can be) the intent behind a nonbinary person's androgynous style, as it can still offer some mental relief even if the outcome is sadly not aligned with the intent.

(Metaphor time: You know, like sometimes I wanna bake a nice looking cake, but it turns out looking like sad poop, but that's okay, because it still tastes good. Meaning, the outcome didn't match my intent, but the outcome was still good enough to enjoy.)

So basically: trans nb people may not be nb because they're gnc, but be gnc because they're nb. Just like many trans men tend to be masc because they're ftm, not ftm because they're masc. So the difference between gnc and nb is in the intent. I think that's the best way I can explain that distinction.

(Also last sidenote: anyone reading this transitioning because you're masc/fem/gnc... PLEASE reconsider that, I urge you!)

[loghainmactir]

hewwo! i was wondering if u could pls give me some advice on starting my transition? ive been so scared to start bc of family and costs but ive decided to just. do it. yknow? like if i don't ill probably die lol. u look amazing and rly confident in yourself in all ur selfies and one day i wanna be Like That ✌️❤️

hi! ok, so first of all: yeah, i absolutely can give u advice, and second of all: i remember feeling exactly like you did. it literally wasn’t that long ago, either, it was like. 2013/14/15 (i can’t remember, time is fake, whatever lmao!). third of all: bless u yr so sweet. i still have a lotta issues with confidence (i doubt myself, my talent and what i can do literally hourly), but honestly? i love my body right now. it’s a good, genderless body, goddamnit.

long, long post ahead bc i’m trying to think of things i did and good god please take it with a grain of salt because a lot of this is just me ranting about things i wish I’D done in my own position. i’m also coming from a place where HRT and surgeries AREN’T free, so that’s also A Thing. everyone’s experience is different.

transitioning (particularly medically) really super fuckin varies country by country (and honestly probably even state by state, age by age and fuckin gender by gender because cis people won’t let us fucking BE goddamn): i don’t know where you are, so my only tips there r: find a trans friendly doctor/endo (i was kinda forced to go through a hospital bc That Was How It Was here in good ol’ Australia), and one people wholeheartedly recommend, if you wanna go that route.

my first point is make sure you find safe spaces in every goddamn aspect of your transition. medically, socially, physically. if you think your doctor is refusing you treatment or is discriminating against you, you NEED to ditch that doctor. if your friends and family are really verbally or physically violent against LGBT folks, you NEED to leave that space if you can (or not come out and wait until you can leave. seriously. i’m kinda lucky– my grandma was verbally violent against LGBT folks, and initially my mum was skepitcal, but i convinced them both to go to a group for LGBT+ parents and friends and they slowly turned around). get yourself friends, get yourself allies.

i cannot stress that enough. my first doctor refused to send my referral letter to the royal children’s hospital gender clinic because even tho he presented as a “nice” guy, he believed that because this was “”””out of the blue”””” for me, he figured he’d just Not Send It (and tried to tell me that a lotta kids there didn’t actually helpo, lol). so there i was, a young 15-16 year old alister, waiting like 2-3 months for something that didn’t even get fucking sent.

join trans groups on facebook and in real life. seriously, they’re a godsend; there’s buy-and-sells, advice posts, encouragement posts. ESPECIALLY local ones. most of them on facebook are private, meaning no one can see if you’re posting/in the group, and it’s easy to check if they’re not. these fb pages + local groups are good ways to find trans friendly spaces and doctors. i found my current doctor, who’s actually one of the very few doctors who knows what the fuck he’s on about re: trans people, through a real life trans group. they were like “oh, you should see x”, and even though he’s about 30-40 minutes away from me, he’s brilliant and honestly saved my life.

along those lines: figure out what you want from your transition, and then realize & accept that this may change (and it also may not change!). very early on, i was super insistent that i wanted phalloplasty and to wear packers, and now i couldn’t care less. at first, i identified as agender, and then as a trans guy/ftm, and now i identify as a Black Hole (i’m kidding, don’t @ me). like, a lotta people DON’T change their minds. but i did, some people do, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s business but your own what you want to do with your body 

(sidenote: this also goes for detransitioning or stopping medical transition but continuing to socially transition/present differently. literally, it’s fine. it’s your body. fuck anyone who says otherwise.)

again: FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.

your body is literally your body. do NOT let anyone tell you what to do with it or who you are. i had people very early on scream at me (legitimately scream and throw me out of home, thanks grandma), tell me i wasn’t actually trans, and harrass me for this shit: but frankly, if i’d put myself back in the closet, i wouldn’t be alive right now. i would’ve killed myself years ago, and i wish i wasn’t kidding. if it’s safe, you need to stand up for your own body and your rights and put yourself somewhere that will allow you to follow through. you need to keep going and keep living.

my only other two pieces of advice are “patience, baby”– like, for real, every single part of transition takes time. this varies from where you are and who’s supporting you, but it’s generally true. it takes time for people to accept new names and pronouns 

(lotta people get furious about this, and i used to be one of those people, but hindsight’s a bitch and you gotta realize that… like, it’s hard for some cis people. you gotta give them a little bit of wiggle room, especially if they’ve never ever met a trans person before. it’s about reminders, reminders, reminders: which is SO hard if you’re not safe/don’t have the confidence. there IS a flip side to this though: if chad and stacey have known your new pronouns for months, now, and they keep “””slipping””” up, they’re not slipping up, honey. they’re doing it on purpose. kick their teeth in i’m kidding please don’t do this you know what i mean.)

it takes time for HRT to kick in. it takes time to gather a Look™ of your own you like, it takes time to build confidence to even tell people, it takes time to save up money for surgeries and it just… takes time. sometimes because it’s a naturally slow process, sometimes because cis people are Cis People and like to gatekeep. i remember being very young in my transition, sitting in the car after one of my appointments with the afformentioned shithead doctor bawling my eyes out because he’d told me i wouldn’t be able to access t for x amount of time and it was bullshit. this year i’ll be 2 years on t. wild, huh? there’s a lot of us and not equal amounts of resources (ESPECIALLY in public systems) depending on where you are, so you gotta be prepared to WAIT.

i’ll tell you what super helped me through those years: hyping myself up for other things! i still have the ticket from my first twenty one pilots show. that show meant SO much to me. i cried all through it, because waiting for that show kept my mind off of the wait for my royal children’s appointments (and even waiting to go up to melbourne bc my mum and i would go and get kebabs was a good thing to focus on!). keep things that aren’t trans related on hand (seriously i struggled with this because dysphoria and shit is fucking hard!! it’s easy to say but really fucking hard to put into practice).

(one day i’m gonna tell tyler and josh just how much they saved my goddamn life. i know they hear it weekly, but i will.)

my other thing is that uh. it won’t solve all your problems especially if you’ve got mental illnesses. this is a really fuckin depressing thing i had to drill into my brain, but it really helped. transitioning solved SO many of my issues. i no longer have back issues (thanks, like, literal kilo titties, lmao), i no longer have sore ribs and i can breathe and wear shirts. i lost so much weight (and am kinda gaining it back, but whatever). i no longer have anxiety about whether people can tell i’m binding– which is WILD because i used to stress the fuck out about it to the point where i never went out anywhere. i used to sit on the bus wondering if the person next to me could tell i had titties. now it literally doesn’t even register.

my issues now stem from PTSD, depression, BPD and ADHD. how do you fix this? you don’t. but what HAS helped is finding a therapist who won’t pressure you into talking about trans shit. lemme tell you: this shit gets exhausting after the fifth time of “oh i googled ‘can you become a boy’ when i was, like, nine” (this is my go to story because this memory is so vivid). of course, there’s gonna be moments where you HAVE to: my therapist recently actively asked me to briefly run through it for my PTSD report. but otherwise we literally haven’t talked about it and that is a GODSEND (because i don’t need it. if you need it, that’s good, too!). having a therapist that you can just wordvomit at wrt anything is literally the best thing and can be super helpful– seriously, there were a few trans-related sessions where i just snarled about the bullshit gatekeeping and the bastard i had to see for my therapist letter (oooh, every time i think abt the fact that it was something like $400-500 for two fucking sessions i get so mad lol), but outta 14 it’s really only like 2-3 of them.

but yeah. that’s it. i dunno, these are things that i’ve learnt and sorta… like to think as helpful for myself. of course, this could be different for you: you’re not me, you’re entirely different, in no doubt an entirely different country, social, financial, mental state. i was FUCKED UP when i first came out. i didn’t know that then, but i do now. i spent a lotta time by myself and that’s not healthy, so i really encourage you to reach out to our community, local and worldly, because oh my god, we’re here for you. we are SO here for you.

[ruffboijuliaburnsides]

im gonna ask you a question. so, right now i identify as female (cis). and i'm not sure about it. how did you realize you were nonbinary? i tried out they/them pronouns once and i didn't like it. but like. sometimes i don't feel right with my name and my pronouns and my body. but that just might be depression or me zoning the heck out haha. i'm young, i have time. but i just want help? ? ? haha thank you and i really love your blog

Aw, no worries, nonny.  

So I’m going to preface this by saying that everyone’s experience is unique, I’m not a professional anything, take anything I say with a grain of salt and do your own research and come to your own decisions.  I will also mention that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and one of the major symptoms of BPD is a lack of identity, sort of the… throwing yourself into things and other people and other people’s styles and making that who you are over and over and never quite feeling like you have an identity that means “you”.  I mention this because that’s one of the things that currently has the biggest impact on me of all my BPD issues, and that has colored my entire gender journey, which in turn colors my advice and thoughts about it.

So as far as me realizing I was NB, it was a looooong process.  I felt kind of dysphoric and maybe not-female for literal years, then I came out as trans because I figured “this probably means I’m a trans guy” and it felt MUCH better but still not quite right.  After a couple years I went “yeah, not quite a guy either. …I guess that means I’m neither?” and that’s pretty much how that happened.

All that said, I’ll mention the following things: 

1) the more I recognized and processed the internalized misogyny I have, the less dysphoric being read as female has become.  It’s kind of plateaued and I think I’ve mostly just hit “i’m nb but more comfortable on the feminine side of things than I used to be” but hey, who knows, right?  I mention this one first both to get it out of the way and because of stuff you mentioned in your ask.  It’s not unheard of at ALL for cis women to feel very dysphoric about their bodies and uncomfortable with their womanhood.  It’s not universal, though, it’s just a possible option.  Our society hates women and teaches women to hate themselves, but whether you’re just a woman dealing with the fallout of living in a deeply misogynistic society or a trans person is something only you can decide.

2) I have known more than one cis female lesbians who identified as nb and don’t anymore, or identified as a trans guy and now identify as nb or cis.  There is a lot of bullshit that most of us are trained into unknowingly about hating women and hating ourselves, and when we find ourselves loving women, it just compounds like… EVERYTHING.  So if you’re a lesbian or bi, this could be something to keep in mind.

3) my most dysphoric moments were also tied to what I would consider my most disassociated moments.  When i’m struggling so hard to even feel a connection to my body, things that make me actively NOT identify with my own body are like that much worse.  It could also be the other way around, but either way, they can feed into each other.  Mental illness can be a huge influence on your identity.  That doesn’t mean your identity is wrong just because you’re mentally ill - i firmly believe that part of the reason I identify with nonbinary so hard is because it’s sort of an “in-between, unspecific, not really anything” sort of identity to me, and that’s how I feel about my identity at large most of the time.  That said, identifying as NB has been a source of relief and joy, so even if it IS stemming from my BPD I don’t give a shit because it makes my life better.

4) It’s okay to change.  If you’re cis now, and you identify as NB or a trans guy later, that’s okay.  If even later, your identity shifts again, that’s ok too.  Some people find who they are young and never really stop feeling that.  Some people are really fluid and have a complex and ever-evolving relationship with their identity.  Neither one is wrong. Your labels are for YOU.  To make YOU feel like you have a handle on yourself.  As your understanding of yourself changes, your labels might change too.  That’s ok.  Anyone who tells you it’s not is not worth your time.

5) You are valid.  I know that’s basically a meme at this point and it’s a funny one, but the thing is that you are.  You are you.  You’re allowed to be you, and feel your feelings.  The important part of any of that is how you REACT and ACT ON those things. 

6) You’re allowed to tell people no when they ask questions.  You’re allowed to say “that’s personal” or “I don’t feel comfortable answering that” or “sorry, you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock that part of my backstory” or whatever.  You do not have to feel obligated to explain yourself and your identity and how you came to that identity and how it affects your sexuality etc etc ad nauseum to everyone who asks. It’s okay not to answer questions about things that people technically have no right to.  It’s also ok to answer them if you’re down for it, but you’re not being rude by saying “no, that’s too personal, I’m not comfortable with that”.  If they push it, THEY’RE the ones being rude.

7) The last and possibly most divergent from the original topic thing I’m going to say is possibly the most controversial?  And it’s more about attraction than gender, but in my experience, dealing with one inevitibly means dealing with the other at the very least inasmuch as where they intersect, but that experience is why I’m including this. Unless nothing else has worked for you, I would stay away, at least initially, from the split attraction model.  That’s the x-sexual/x-romantic split, and identifying them separately.  I am not saying they’re bad or that they can’t be useful or helpful, but the thing is that they are mostly of use to the ace community, and only to a limited extent.  Diving into them when you don’t need to can just over-complicate things; as much as labels are for YOU, it also doesn’t help to be overly specific.  If you can be sexually attracted to both guys and girls but you’re only interested in being in relationships with girls?  Sure, you could say you’re bisexual homoromantic (as a girl that is) but unless that is something that is NECESSARY FOR YOU, you could also just say you’re bi with a preference, or say you’re a lesbian because yes i think bi women who are still attracted to guys physically but have no intention of or desire to be with men can call themselves lesbians if that’s more comfortable for them.  I say this mostly because I and more than a few people I know have done the split attraction model because it’s what is being done or w/e and it messed with them being able to actually deal with issues they were having and correctly identifying their sexualities and etc etc etc.  It’s not intrinsically bad or harmful or wrong, but it’s also not intrinsically good, and it’s not useful for anyone.  Unless you think it’s absolutely the only way to find your identity, I would largely steer clear of it for yourself.  I put this last because it’s the least related to your actual question.

…I can’t think of anything else rn.  Use the identifiers and terms that you’re comfortable with but don’t feel bad or ashamed of changing them if you realize they don’t apply anymore.  Don’t feel like you have to identify things super-specifically just because it’s common practice.  Uh…. idk, i’m a wee bit tipsy but hopefully some of this was even a little bit helpful?  GOOD LUCK MY SMOL ONE, EVEN IF I CAN’T HELP I’M HERE TO LISTEN IF YOU NEED AN EAR OR A SHOULDER!