#i allowed myself to focus on the bullshit noise and not what the fuck I’ve done and how far I’ve come

[theknightofsolitude]

Could i have started earlier? Absolutely!

Is it too late? Only if you’re dead.

[thefanficmonster]

Corpse’s Girl

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Bullying, Swearing, Derogatory Terms

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Summary: Y/N’s life as a regular college student is forever stripped away from her when her relationship with the famous YouTuber Corpse Husband is accidentally revealed during an online class of hers. How will she cope with the sudden spotlight and the unwanted attention, some of which crosses into bullying?

Requested by my amazing Tumblr friend @itsminniekat 🥰 She’s been reading and liking my works since day one and I honestly couldn’t be more grateful. If you’re reading this, all I can say is thank you, darling. Thank you so much for sticking by my blog even when I posted some crappy fics. I’ll make sure this ain’t one of them. Love you with all my heart. ❤❤❤

P.S. - I named the mean character with my name so I hope no one who reads this has the same name. Wouldn’t want any of you feeling like the villain 😘

Who knew online class would be even more boring than being physically present for a lecture? Seriously, I find myself doing the weirdest of crap to entertain myself - like trying to balance a pen on the tip of my nose for example. I jot down some notes every now and then but that’s basically it. My mind can not fathom the concept on concentrating on whatever my professors are going on and on about. Well, full disclosure, I couldn’t concentrate even if I wanted to, especially with my boyfriend streaming in the other room.

He’s currently playing Among Us with his usual gaming squad. Listening to his input during the discussions, I can always tell when he’s lying. I honestly find it hilarious that his friends can’t pick up when he’s bullshitting them. I sometimes wonder if he has brainwashed them. And that’s one of the main reasons we don’t play Among Us together - he can’t lie to me. Not only do I pick up on his con with ease, but he always says he feels bad when he lies to me which is just the sweetest thing. Also, I refuse to play cause I’m shy. His friends are all well-known content creators and I’m a literal nobody. Every now and then I find myself wondering why Corpse is even with me. He’s always quick to push those thoughts out of my head and make sure they don’t return on a long notice, but they do interrupt my peace from time to time.

“Y/N, do you know?“ The sound of my professor saying my name takes me out of my eavesdropping of Corpse’s stream.

I panic, but quickly improvise, “Sorry, my internet is slow, you cut out for a second. What was the question?” I feel my face heating up, making me glad we are allowed to keep our cameras off.

“Question number 15 on page 82 in your textbook. Do you know the answer to it?“ My professor repeats himself, his tone annoyed.

I look down at the page that’s already opened in front of me. I let out a sigh of relief, seeing that the question is rather easy.

“Yeah, um, it’s...“ Suddenly, Corpse’s laugh reaches my room loud and clear. There’s no doubt my mic picked up the noise, especially since the door to my room is open.

The color drains from my face as I hurry to say the answer and remute myself. My eyes are wide as I stare at my screen, hoping no one will acknowledge that very recognizable laugh.

“OMG Y/N, are you watching a Corpse Husband stream in class?” One of the bitches in my class, Vy, speaks up, “Not a very goody-two-shoe move on your part, dear.” 

I purposely unmute my mic to mumble a quick ‘Shut up, bitch’ that somehow manages to fly under my professor’s radar and the class continues. It’s the first time something like this has happened and I’m not sure if I handled it properly or not.

The class ends shortly after, allowing me a sigh of relief as I disconnect from the meeting. 

“Fucking finally.“ I mumble to myself, leaning back in my desk chair. Tilting my head backwards, I see Corpse standing in the doorframe. I grin, not only because his presence itself makes me ten times happier, but also because he’s upside down from my viewpoint. “Well, hello there! How long have you been spying on me?“

He struts over to me, leaning his face over mine, “Long enough.” His lips linger above mine without any actual contact before he pulls away, allowing me to sit up straight and proper in the chair. “You still have classes?”

I nod my head while disappointedly rolling my eyes, “Yeah. One more. Shouldn’t be too bad since it’s English Lit. You’re done streaming?”

“Yeah, I just have some other things to do. I haven’t done a narration video in a while, I miss making that type of content.“ He plops down on my bed, running a hand through his messy black curls.

“Weren’t you recording some lines a few days ago?“ I frown as I try to recall if what I’m referring to actually happened or my brain is too fried to decipher reality from my bootleg perception of it. Online class, man - messes with your head like sleeping pills - makes you disoriented and exhausted with barely doing anything other than trying to wrap your brain around a lecture or two.

He hums affirmatively, “It’s not a finished project and I don’t even know if I’ll use those or rerecord them. I’ll have to listen to them again before I make a final decision.“

I tilt his chin upwards with my pointer finger, a gesture he has told me he finds very endearing, “I’m sure they’re great and you just refuse to be satisfied. Everything you do is great.“

He smiles a small, shy smile, his fingers gently wrapping around my wrist, holding my hand in place, “You’re biased. You like me too much to tell me when I do some bullshit.”

I scoff, “You know that isn’t true. If someone’s gonna kick your butt in formation, it’s gonna be me.“ I give him a quick kiss on the forehead before pulling away from him, “Go on, now. I have a class to attend. You distract me enough while you’re in the other room, I can only imagine how hard it’d be for me to focus if you were right by my side.“

He smirks, bowing a little as he makes his way out of the room, “You flatter me.”

I playfully roll my eyes, getting my headset back on as I tap the last class for the day. We have an assignment due to the start of the class which we’ll have to present if the professor approved of it. We basically had to write a psychoanalysis of a character from any book of our choice. I chose Heathcliff from ‘Wuthering Heights’ which is one of my favorite books of all time. I’m proud of what I wrote and the way I wrote it, but I’ve always barely scraped by with a B in this class, a B+ if I’m lucky, so I’ve never gotten any major credit, even when I put my 110% in the assignments and projects.

Well, color me surprised when the professor calls on me first to read my work, complimenting it on its detailed and specific nature. I get my printed assignment out in front of me and unmute myself.

“I wrote a psychoanalysis on for Heathcliff, a character from Emily Bronte’s novel ‘Wuthering Heights’.“ Just after I say this line, Corpse’s voice booms throughout the whole apartment, no doubt being picked up by my mic. It doesn’t sound like he’s actually talking, he can’t be that loud. I put two and two together when I recognize the lines he’s saying - the ones he recorded a few days ago. They’re coming from his computer speakers. He probably didn’t check the volume before playing back the recording.

I mute myself as quickly as possible, but it’s too late. The voice dies down as Corpse probably turned down the speakers.

My professor, who is already done with this lecture, just annoyedly remarks, her words overdosed with sarcasm: “Read your assignment and you can go back to whatever it is you are watching.”

“Wow, Y/N! Again?! Are you one of those crazy obsessed fans or something? Is Corpse Husband all you watch?“ This bitch is really poking a stick at me, huh? The only crazy obsessed fan here is her, and my friends but they are allowed. Little do all of them know, I am obsessed but not simply over a YouTuber. I’m obsessed with my boyfriend who just happens to be a YouTuber.

“No commentary, please.“ The professor scolds her, “Go on, Y/N.“

I finish reading without any other disturbances. The professor compliments my essay again when I’m done, the small incident at the beginning forgotten already. Well, not by everyone. One of my friends shot me a quick text to joke about it which only earned an eye roll from me.

My friends don’t know that I’m dating Corpse either. As I said, they are simping HARD over him while I act the most indifferent on the subject. Whenever they ask my opinion on him I either say ‘he’s OK’ or just avoid answering completely. I know saying anything more enthusiastic than that would turn into a snowball rolling down a snowy hill - I’d just keep babbling about how nice, amazing, wonderful and a gift to this world Corpse is, inevitably revealing our relationship in the process.

I’m afraid of revealing my relationship with Corpse in front of these people. They are all run on jealousy and selfishness and I can only imagine how mean they’d be about it. I’m already not too fond of them, it would only be worse if any of my personal life was exposed.

When the class finally ends I remove my headset, putting my forehead down on the desk, barely missing the keyboard. I groan in frustration and anger at myself for not fighting back. I could’ve and should’ve said something - ANYTHING. But what? That’s a question I can’t find the answer to.

“Hey...“ Corpse’s hesitant voice comes from behind me, “You ok?“

I straighten my posture, turning to him with a smile. “Yeah, but these people suck.”

I get up from my chair as he approaches me, basically falling in his arms. The comfort I feel radiating off of him makes me relax, forget the past hour or so. He has always had this effect on me. Like my own personal kryptonite to my anger and anxiety.

“Did I get you in any trouble because of that?“ His voice shows clear concern and guilt. 

I wrap my arms around him tighter, burying my head in his chest. “No, don’t worry about it.“ 

And I really wasn’t in trouble. Not until now that the video is officially posted....

I can call these people dumb all I want but they sure put two and two together awfully fast. They recognized the lines they heard during class as the same ones from his new video that came out almost a week after the incident, aka two days ago. It’s safe to say I haven’t touched my phone or computer since.

“This is all my fault.“

Of all the horrible things I suspected would happen this has to be the worst - Corpse is blaming himself for it. I am prepared to take all the shit these people have to throw at me but seeing Corpse beating himself up over this is killing me. No amount of convincing can change his mind. Nothing I say helps.

“Please, stop doing this to yourself. Non of this is your fault, Corpse.“ I’ve repeated this sentence more than a thousand time these past forty eight hours, each time saying it more and more desperately.

“All of it is my fault, Y/N. I’m so sorry. I hate myself so much.“ Has been his reply single time.

 I can’t watch him be so mean to himself. It’s the most conflicting thing when the person you love most is torturing themselves. It’s easy if it’s someone else doing it, you just kick their ass. But what are you supposed to do when the person you want to protect is the same one you need to protect them from.

Corpse has shut himself away in his recording room these past few hours and though he clearly needs to be alone, he still left the door open just a crack cause he knows I’ll be worried sick otherwise.

While I’m alone in the living room, I’ve finally managed to brace myself and build enough courage to power up my laptop. Last time it was on it was going mad with notifications.

“It’s digital. Only digital. It can’t hurt you too badly if it can’t touch you, right?“ I mumble to myself, already frustrated despite not having yet seen all the horrors that await me.

And horrors there were. Everywhere. Twitter. Instagram. Facebook.

My grades. Some pictures of me no one has ever seen. My school files. People from my class tweeting Corpse to ‘expose’ me for the ‘slut’ or ‘bitch’ I really am. Corpse hasn’t touched social media either and I plan on making sure it stays that way. God only knows how much worse he’ll get if he sees these claims.

And then, like a notification sent straight from hell, an email from my professor.

Practical lectures on Friday. Be here at 9 AM. Don’t forget your mask and gloves.

Good thing I opened my laptop when I did. Friday is tomorrow and I need to prepare for this day. Not only do I need to hit the books but I need to toughen up a bit. I can’t go there looking like I feel - like a mess.

Alright, time to put the brave face on. No more wallowing in it, at least not until tomorrow afternoon.

I make a study plan and hop in the shower. I feel the need to apologize to my hair for washing it so roughly, basically yanking at my strands from frustration that has been suppressed for too long.

I get our of the boiling hot shower, red as a lobster, and change into some clean comfortable clothes and put my ass in study mode. I remove all the scary expectations of the morning to come from my mind and let the information the textbooks has to offer seep into my brain.

                                                            *  *  *

I’m about to head out and, despite my put-together composure, I am a wreck inside. I actually put effort into my appearance, I mean - I even styled my hair. A pretty façade to hide a ruin.

I saw my friends’ texts last night, all three of them ending their friendship with me because they felt betrayed. I haven’t yet decided how to feel about that. Doesn’t matter at the moment, there are more important matters at hand, aka surviving the next three hours.

My college is within ten minutes walking distance from our apartment. That ten minute walk has never been so stressful, not even during exam season. The air feels a little harder to breathe, the path a little shorter to walk. And my moment of reckoning a little too close.

I feel eyes on me the second I start walking through the park of our campus. Sure, I could just be paranoid, but the feeling is too real to be just my imagination in overdrive. I’m glad I have my hair down and a mask on so the redness of my cheeks and neck isn’t on display. That’s a sign of weakness right now.

We have two an hour and a half long classes between which we have a snack break that’s half an hour. I usually enjoy that period but I’m dreading it now. These assholes can only be so mean in the presence of a professor, but during lunch break they can increase that tenfold. 

“Well if it isn’t Corpse’s girl.“ I hear that a lot. The whispers are not so much whispers as intentionally loud enough for me to hear remarks. I’m not bothered by them, it’s the least they can do. If I let such a simple thing get to me, I’d be crumbling by the end of first period.

I hear some shuffling behind me and out of the corner of my eye I see, yeah you guessed it, THAT bitch. She’s standing as close to me as she can without violating Covid regulations. A mask is covering her face but the menacing look in her eyes tells me all I need to know about the interaction that’s about to go down.

“I’d ask how much he pays you for the hour.....“ her long nails tap the wooden desk, “but that’d be rude. I bet it’s tough being a maid. Do you just clean or are you a multipurpose lap dog? No offense, I’m genuinely curious.“

“Vy, would you be so kind as to give Y/N some room to breathe?“ The professor asks as he nonchalantly walks in.

Vy rolls her eyes, batting her eyelashes at me, “Talk to you later, sweetheart.” With a fake friendly wave she’s out of my hair, at least for now.

Remember what I said about these people not being as dumb as I pegged them to be? Yeah, scratch that. These fuckers actually tried getting away with taking pictures of me with flash in broad daylight. Like, HELLO! I have two functioning eyes and a brain, I’m onto you. Sadly, me having figured out their childish but hurtful methods of humiliating me doesn’t change much. They still posted the pics they took, using the most derogatory terms they could find in the English language, always making sure to tag Corpse and me both.

Needless to say, these were the longest three hours of my life.

                                                              *  *  *

Shutting the door to our apartment behind me causes relief of the highest levels. I feel like I’ve locked out all the bad shit I have had to deal with these past twenty four hours. 

I’m tired. I’m fucking exhausted. I feel like a discarded piece of paper. 

And it all starts crumbling. A wall is bound to start slowly falling apart after being hit over and over again, each time feeling the blows with a stronger intensity. 

I slide down the door sitting down on the floor and slowly taking my shoes off. I put my bag beside me and wrap my arms around my knees, hiding my head in the space between them and my chest.

One tear slides down my cheek.

Another follows.

And another, this time accompanied by a choked sob.

A pair of arms wraps around the ball that my body has been shaped into. One of his hands comes up to stroke my hair gently, feeding me the comfort I have been longing for since I left the apartment this morning.

“I saw it. All of it. All the shit they talk about you. All the names they call you. And I’ve never wanted to beat so many people up simultaneously.“ His words make me raise my head from its low position, giving him a knowing look. “I wish I could. I would, but that would land me in jail. Which doesn’t even sound so bad cause I don’t like going out. Only problem is you wouldn’t be with me. I wouldn’t want you to be there with me, don’t get me wrong, I’d never want you to end up in jail. I-...” I cut him off by pressing my lips to his. A quick kiss that says so much but mainly shows the immeasurable gratitude for his support.

Seeing those awful tweets and comments had the complete opposite effect on him. He no longer blames himself but the people who actually deserve the blame - all those jerks from my college.

I pull away, giving him a small smile. “I would never let you go to jail.” 

He smiles back at me, overjoyed that my mood is slowly being lifted, “Come on, I have a nice crowd that would like to meet you.”

I know exactly what he means. Felix, Sean, Rae, Dave, Sykkuno and the rest of his friends. The people I’ve been so shy and afraid to meet since day one. Being shy doesn’t really make sense now, seeing as how they know I exist and that I’m a part of Corpse’s life. 

What do I have to lose?

“Guys, this is my girlfriend, Y/N.“ Corpse’s black avatar runs around my cyan one in the Among Us lobby.

I can’t help but giggle when I unmute my mic, “Hi everyone! It’s so nice to finally meet you.“ They each introduce themselves, expressing how happy they are to be meeting me too.

It’s the first time in what feels like a while that I’m truly having fun. These people are wonderful, each so unique and lovely. They never brought up the scandal nor acted as though they knew about it. I know they did and I am beyond grateful that they never mentioned it or treated me any differently because of it. Also, Corpse was streaming the whole time. I had my phone on his stream, my eyes nervously scanning the chat every now and then. I couldn’t believe it. Corpse’s real fans were just as wonderful as his friends - they were nothing but supportive and happy to have met me.

Now, I can either choose to believe these people were being so nice to me out of sympathy or I can believe they really like me and appreciate me for who I am and not for what happened to me. 

I choose to believe the latter.

And while I’m still getting accustomed to this whole new spotlight, I know I’ll be able to handle it as long as I’m holding Corpse’s hand in the process. All I need is to have him beside me and I’m prepared to tackle anything.

“They love you.“ Corpse tells me once the stream is done and we’ve hopped out of the Discord call, “But I love you more.“

His arms wrap around my waist while mine instinctively find their way around his neck, “I love them, too. But they’re at the number 2 spot.”

He smirks at me, “I wonder who’s at number 1.”

I push up on my toes, putting my lips an inch away from his, “Hmm, I wonder...”

He doesn’t let me finish, silencing my teasing with a sweet, loving kiss.

@susceptible-but-siriusexual  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat

[monsteronfire]

Fishing for a Star

type;; One-shot (6.4K words)

pairing(s);; fratboy!JK x older!Reader/OC

genre;; Slice of Life, Smut, College AU

warnings;; Drinking, oral (male receiving), shy!Koo, sub!Koo, slightly dom!Reader/OC, Yoongi being a dumbass voyeur, both parties pining for each other like idiots

a/n;; I feel like it’s been a motherfuckin’ year since I’ve written and posted anything. I honestly started this thing probably a year ago. I just really love the chill college parties trope. Might add more to this, but unlikely. Enjoy my pain as I cry over JK in leather.

edit;; Totally forgot to put a read more tag on here, sorry y’all. I even told myself to fucking do it right as I started the post. Also the pic isn’t mine, got it off Google.

------

“Please tell me that’s not what you’re wearing.”

You step out of the way for your housemate, the hoodie you’d picked out momentarily blinding you while you pulled it over your head.

“If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be putting it on.” You say, finally getting it over your head and shaking the hair out of your face. You blink at her half-way-to-getting-ready state, noting in the back of your head how good she looks even now. Her hair is done, wavy and a little disheveled. The shine of the dark strands makes you want to run your fingers through them, knowing they will be soft. Her makeup is half done and she’s dressed only in her underwear, but she’s beautiful all the same. You can tell she’s planning to doll herself up tonight and why shouldn’t she? It’s one of the biggest frat parties of the year and with it being her last year, she’s aiming to have a good time.

“This is a party, (Y/N). At least try and look a little slutty.”

You snort and grin a little, watching her pop her hip out while she eyes you.

“Why is that, baby?” You reply, reaching up to pull a couple of strands of her hair back into place fondly.

“I plan to get laid tonight. I expect you to too, babe.” She snaps, swatting your hand away.

“Sorry, sexy. I’m fishing for something special tonight and it doesn’t require the slutty look.”

“Oh god, not again.”

“What?” You question, turning back to the full length mirror and carding your fingers through your own hair to fix it.

“You’ve been after this boy for three years, (Y/N). He’s got you wrapped around his finger.” She states, walking away from you and back into the bathroom. You’re still smiling when you check one final time to make sure the jeans you’re wearing make your ass look great before leaning against the door frame.

“That was my plan from the beginning. Now I just need to wrap him around mine.”

She snorts, leaning over the sink and closer to the mirror.

“I said three years, didn’t I? If you haven’t bagged him yet, you won’t.”

You pout at her, but are undeterred. You know what kind of person he is and you’re well aware of how much work he had and will continue to take. You could tell he was not a one and done from the first moment you saw him. He would take time, a lot of it and you were willing to put it all in.

“You know how stubborn I can be.” You chuckle at her. She rolls her eyes, but smirks none the less. She knows she can’t say a word to change your mind.

“Whatever. If I catch you two together, I’m telling him to fuck you already.”

You laugh as you walk away, working on gathering what you’ll want to take to the party.

“You sure I’ll even be allowed at this thing?!”

“Are you kidding?! Everyone is invited to this party. The doors are left open so anyone can just fucking walk in off the street!”

You chuckle, grabbing your bag and stuffing your wallet in it. You’d graduated a couple years ago and while most of the seniors would know you, you sometimes felt weird hanging out at a party in the college you’d already graduated from. A girl has to do what she has to do when a baby boy is on the line, though.

And a baby boy he was.

-

“Jae!”

You smile as you and your friend enter the large, old house. The lighting is dim, the music is thumping and all you can smell is alcohol, sex and sweat. There’s noise all around you, but you and your friend weave through the crowd easily. Nearly everyone greets you as you two pass, guys high-fiving you and girls giggling and touching your arms. You bounce to the music as you follow her, the two of you making your way past the front stairs and down the hall. You make a pit stop in the kitchen- Jae grabbing the classic Solo cup and you pulling a bottle of beer from a cooler full of ice- before heading out onto the back deck.

The backyard is just as crowded as the house, people in the pool, people in the gazebo and people littering about the yard and deck. There’s a large bonfire near the back of the yard and a couple other smaller fire pits in random spots. One of them is up on the deck in a small metal  pit, the warm flames surrounded by the very reason you and Jae came tonight.

“There’s our girls!” Namjoon shouts, lifting his can and drawing the attention of the seven other guys around him to you two. Taehyung, Hoseok and Jin all shout in unison as they spot you, Tae standing and pressing a sloppy kiss to your friend’s cheek. Yoongi and Namjoon lift their hands as you get closer and you reach out to slap each one. Jimin stands to press little pecks to first your cheek and then Jae’s. You all greet each other quietly before Jae slides herself into her target’s lap. She’s been after Jin all year and you haven’t been the only person sitting back to watch their game of cat and mouse. Jin is practically an expert at flirting just enough to keep her hooked without giving her what she really wants.

To be young and in lust.

Your eyes finally find the last member of the group, his silence keeping him out of spotlight unless he’s being searched for. He’s already looking at you when you spot him and his eyes dart down to his shoes while he shuffles behind Yoongi and Jimin. He can only keep his eyes off you for a moment before they find yours and he’s trapped. You smile softly at him, taking delight in how his eyes widen a fraction and his pupils grow. He’s holding a Solo cup, the rings on his fingers glinting in the firelight as he deftly squeezes them a bit tighter. He looks good tonight, his dark hair pushed back away from his forehead to show his strong brow. He’s dressed in all black, black t-shirt tucked into black jeans, black boots and to top it all off a leather jacket. He definitely pulled all the stops on you tonight and you have to make a conscious effort not to drool when you stare at him. He looks like a badass and you know every other girl in this joint sees him the same way, but you know the truth.

“Uh-oh,” Jae mumbles into Jin’s ear.

“She’s spotted her target and is locked on.”

You don’t bother listening to her, instead creeping closer to the object of your desire.

“Hey, Jungkookie,” You murmur quietly to him, leaning in a bit closer, but not too close. You had to be very meticulous with him.

“Hey, noona,” he responds shyly and the whole circle of friends is a sniggering mess for a moment. Pink begin’s to dust his cheeks, but you spare him a little and turn to flick Jimin in the back of the head.

“You lot are pretty curious tonight. Weren’t you all having a conversation before we came up?”

They all snigger some more, but quickly go back to bullshitting around the fire, leaving you and Jungkook in peace. You take another step closer to him, half expecting him to maintain the distance between you, but he remains still and lets you get closer. Threes years it’s taken you to get even this close to him, his overtly shy and sweet demeanor keeping him just out of reach of your darker, more corrupted hands.

“You look good tonight,” you comment and his blush darkens in the firelight. He thanks you almost too quietly, quickly bringing the cup of beer he’s holding to his lips to distract himself somehow and it has you chuckling lowly at him. He looks away from you, avoiding your eyes and you can’t stop the fiendish grin on your lips. You finally give him some respite, turning away from him to join in on the random conversation that the group is sharing around the small fire pit.

Finally…

He get’s his chance and takes it without a second thought. He spent years hesitating in such small matters and found himself either missing out or always caught if he didn’t take the chance when it was presented to him. So he learned. Now when you have those few precious moments where your focus is not on him- where you are off guard for just a beat- he gets to watch you instead. Watch the way your eyes glow in the firelight, or the way your hair just barely shifts as a warm breeze lazes by. He takes in your simple outfit, jeans and a sweatshirt. Nothing like the rest of the girls at every party he’s ever been to. Your smile moves your whole face, your cheeks rising, you lips splitting and even your eyes squinting shut as you tease Taehyung. His lips quirk a little on their own when he notices that your ears shift a little when you smile as well.

Your lashes are long even without makeup, so much so that the first time he’d ever met you he could have sworn they were fake. But then he caught you tugging on them one afternoon while you told old stories with Namjoon. You did it regularly and had told him you could feel the dead ones coming out, you wanted to get them before they fell into your eyes. A quirk he’d logged away to keep safe for the rest of eternity. The beer in your one hand shifts to the other, the rings on your fingers clinking just loud enough for him to hear over Hoseok’s shouting. A hobby of sorts you shared with Jimin. You two wore the same ring size and often went shopping for new ones together, even swapping every now and again. The free hand moves about in the air as you speak and Jungkook thinks it almost weird now to see someone talk without gesturing with their hands so much. How did one truly immerse another in their words if they didn’t show them how it felt as well? When you were angry- fuming for either your own hardships or for those of a friend- you pointed a lot, your head shaking and your hands slicing through the air to signal how done you were. When you told stories of your adventures with the oldest members of his brothers your hands where always in the air; swiping, rolling, falling and twisting. You painted such a picture with only the movement of your hands when you spoke. They weren’t really dainty, your palms wide and your fingers not very long, but they fit perfectly with his hands. A fact that amazes him, but that he’s grown rather fond of. When you laugh, it’s loud. Not soft, not like the twinkling of bells, but like a song. Loud, but still beautiful and it can range from joyous mirth to deep and rich fondness, the type of feeling that fills your chest with warmth and adoration. That’s the laugh he enjoys the most, that deep chuckle. The one you give to him quietly so just the two of you can hear it.

He wants you. He was confused at first, for a long time. Scared of your mature age compared to him and your strength. He always sees you as strong, even if you don’t think so yourself. You always make him nervous, unsure if he is really worthy of the sweet attention you give him. The quiet whispers just between the two of you, the soft touches, the adoring look in your eyes. He fears all your attention, but he can’t deny now that he wants it- needs it. He can’t go a day without it.

-

The party winds down and you are delighted at the sight of mattresses being brought down and strewn haphazardly across the floor in their living room. When Jungkook finally picks his spot you waste no time in shuffling closer to his mattress. Normally you would keep your distance, allowing him his comfort of solitude to sleep, but you’ve already allowed him plenty of his liberties tonight. You will get something out of this evening if not a simple kiss in the dark. He shocks you by saying nothing as you lay down, your eyes just catching a glimpse of Jae and Jin heading upstairs. Probably to his room to finally earn what she’s worked so hard for. She quickly casts you a thumbs up, a large grin on her face as she tries to keep it unnoticed by anyone else in the room. You return the gesture and chuckle, groaning a bit when you body finally hits the not so comfortable springs. You take a moment to sigh before opening your eyes again and focusing them on the object of your desires.

He’s staring right back at you and your breath catches in your throat, lost in the sea of stars in his eyes. They’re wide and shining, staring so intently at you that you almost don’t take notice to the shine of his lips. Like he’s just licked them a few times. Even in the dim light of the moon that filters in through the windows and the very few lights in the house on you can see them glisten, and your eyes are torn between them and his shining eyes. He looks like a lost puppy staring at you, but there’s more in his eyes. He looks in awe, almost afraid and- dare you say it- a little eager. Like he wants something to happen, but it scares him and that thought alone drives straight to your core. A fire alights inside you and suddenly you’re staring back at him with equally wide eyes, your bottom lip trapped between your teeth. The action immediately draws his large eyes to your mouth and fuck if you don’t almost groan when his tongue pokes out to lick nervously over his lips again.

His mouth parts ever so slightly and you swear you can hear him panting a little over the din of people ambling to where they plan to sleep. Someone plops down directly behind you, their back hitting yours as they shift to get comfortable. You’re right on the edge of the mattress, so this person has to be hanging off the one they’re laying on to be this close to you. And by the feel of how broad their shoulders are it’s definitely a man. Your eyes narrow and you almost growl when Jungkook stiffens in front of you and the man knocks against you again. Your head turns just enough to spot the thin, white shirt he’s wearing stretch over one shoulder before you’re shoving back with your elbow. He grunts when you dig into his back, but says nothing else, only leaning away from the discomfort. He’s clearly wasted. Still, he’s too close to you and taking the great opportunity presented before you, you scoot closer to the apple of your eye. He doesn’t shy away and it takes all your effort not to reach out to him when you finally focus back on him.

“Sorry,” you whisper, scooting just a tiny bit closer than you really need to. He shakes his head quietly, mumbling out an ‘it’s okay’ while his body leans closer to yours. God you want to ravage this sweet boy. It’s practically making your heart explode with how cute he’s being right now. He’d looked away in his response, but when he looks back to you he’s dragging his lip through his teeth and you really can’t take it. Again you two are lost in your own little world as you stare at each other.

“Jungkookie… you’re not being very nice to me right now.”

His eyes widen even further- if that’s even possible- and he looks almost stricken at the comment.

“What?” He manages to almost whimper out and you just can’t stop yourself from scooting even closer to him.

“You’re looking at me so sweetly, baby. How am I supposed to play nice with you tonight if you keep staring at me like that?”

You don’t know where all this confidence is coming from. Granted you’ve always been a bit more confident than the young man in front of you, but even still, you never thought you’d get to a degree where you were saying such flirtatious things in such a dominant tone to him.

“Play… nice?”

The glint changes in your eyes and Jungkook visibly shutters at the sight. Your eyes had been so deep and full of adoration just a moment ago, now all he sees is greed and lust. It makes his already hard cock twitch in his pants. Gods he’s been hard from the moment you called him that nickname- Jungkookie. He generally doesn’t like anyone, but the guys saying it. But every time you say it…

He’s almost scared to feel how excited he’s getting every time you scoot a little bit closer. He doesn’t want you to stop. Not until your body is finally pressed to his and he can hold you so tight, and never let go. He’d hoped something would have happened between you two before tonight, but he was always so scared and you were always so cautious with him. He just wants you to ravage him already. He’s dreamed about it practically every night, it might as well happen already.

“Stop,” you suddenly say and he can feel your fingers on his chin, pulling his lip from between his teeth.

“If you lick or bite your lips one more time,” you have to take a moment to calm yourself before continuing, “… I don’t think I’ll be able to stop myself.”

He throbs in his jeans and when he locks eyes with you he’s lost. He doesn’t want you to stop, he realizes that now after feeling your fingers touch his skin. Fire ignites where they trace from his chin and along his jaw. He trembles beneath your touch and you can feel it. Oh you can feel it. You do the opposite of what you just told him, biting your lip to draw his eyes to them again as you two gravitate ever closer.

“Unless you don’t want me to.”

He doesn’t speak, he feels like he doesn’t know how to in that moment. He doesn’t trust himself to anyway, so he does the next best thing. He licks his lips again and is rewarded. Your fingers that had been running along his jaw suddenly snake into the hair at the nape of his neck and you pull him close. He is just as needy as you are, his hands which had been fiddling with his shirt the whole time are suddenly flying up to tug your bodies even closer. Your lips crash against his and he whimpers into your mouth when you both open them simultaneously, your tongue dragging along his. It takes all your conscious effort not to moan, your body melding itself against his. His arms wrap around you and squeeze you to him, his whimpers turning into a little moan when you gain dominance in the kiss.

You pull away, one of your hands coming back to his jaw to to place a thumb over his open lips. You turn to look back at the bodies laying around the room, most of the members of the fraternity still down here, all of them passed entirely the fuck out. The guy just behind you is snoring up a storm and you can’t help smirking a little when you turn back to face Jungkook. He looks so fucked out already, his eyes glazed and his pupils blown wide as he pants lightly against your thumb. Your smile is both devious and full of fondness as you stare at him.

“You look so good baby, but you have to be quiet for me,” you whisper to him and he does nothing more than open his mouth wider. His tongue snakes out and licks against your thumb, pulling it in and sealing his lips around the appendage. He suckles on it hungrily and gods be damned if your panties aren’t soaked at this point.

“Fuck,” you sigh, squeezing your thighs together. You want him so bad it almost hurts. He pulls away far enough that your thumb pops from his lips and he whimpers once again, pulling you as close as he can.

“Noona, please,” he says, his breath shuddering.

“Please what, baby?”

He grabs one your hands and pulls it down between your bodies, pressing your palm to the bulge in his jeans. Your breathing deepens when you palm the hardness through the thick fabric, wondering how you didn’t notice it before.

“Oh baby,” you coo quietly and rub your hand heavily over his bulge. He bites his lip to hold back the moan threatening to break free and you feel his hips start to rock into your hand. He’s so fucking hot, how have you been able to resist him for so long?

“How long have to been this hard?”

He takes a moment to respond, trying to take deep breaths. Your hand stalls to help him regain some semblance of sanity, but he seems against the idea. His hand returns to gripping yours, pressing your palm back against his hard-on.

“Long time,” he finally gets out in a clipped tone, probably unable to speak properly at this point.

“Poor thing.”

You pull closer to him, pressing your forehead to his and lowering your voice so that you’re barely audible.

“Take your cock out for me, baby. Please.”

He keeps you close and groans into your neck, only taking a moment to collect himself before he’s pushing away, and his hands are flying to undo his pants. He struggles with the button for a moment, but you don’t help him, only leaning back to watch with excitement. When he finally gets them undone he’s tugging them down just enough so he can freely pull is cock out and gods is it beautiful. Your mouth waters as soon as he has it out, its pink color and red head making you want to feel the weight of it on your tongue. It’s not particularly long, but it’s thicker than you thought it would be and the precum that glistens on his tip calls out to you. You let out a heavy breath when his hands hover just shy of his shaft, trembling and aching to give the poor weeping thing some relief. Still he hesitates to touch himself.

Such a good boy.

“You’re so gorgeous,” you practically wheeze out, finding it hard to breathe when your twitching hand finally reaches out for him. He’s whimpering before you even touch him and you have to remind him to be quiet when the tip of your finger goes to touch the head.

“Remember, baby, keep it down.”

He nods a little shakily and just as you press into the precum on his tip with your finger, his hands are flying up to cover his mouth. He’s so sensitive and you love it.

“Well, you’re certainly aching there aren’t you? Does it feel good to have me touch you?”

Again he nods and you pout, swirling your finger in the sticky fluid at his tip. His eyes clench shut at the sensation and he deftly thrusts his hips up to meet more of your hand.

“Use your words or I’ll have to stop.”

“Yes,” he whispers out harshly, his hands clenching into fists at his stomach, “… yes, yes, yes, yes!”

You smirk, the high you’re getting from all of this driving you to carry on.

“Good boy.”

You continue to swirl your finger over his tip a few more times, widening your circle until you’re sliding your finger down the top of his length, all the way to the base. He pants a little too heavily, his eyes glued to your hand and what you’re doing to him. You circle around his base to the bottom of his cock before dragging your finger back up and rubbing it deftly over the slit a few times.

“Fuck noona-“

“Language, Jungkookie.” You say with a smirk, your hand finally flattening over the underside of his length so you can palm him a few times. His hips rock against his will and meet you half way every time you press down on him. He looks so pretty like this, his eyes nearly black and so focused on how your palm drags over his length. He’s sweating a little, panting a lot and his gorgeous cock is ready to explode at any second. And you’ve barely even done anything to him yet.

“What made you so hard and needy like this?”

He stays silent for a long moment, only answering when the pressure of your hand lightens and you begin to pull away.

“You… you made me like this. You always… make me like this.”

Always?

“Fuck, Kookie, if you had told me sooner we might’ve actually got it in tonight.”

His eyes are glistening at this point as they shoot up to glance at you before scrunching shut when your fingers finally wrap around his shaft. You pump him slowly, but his hips make up for that and keep the sliding of his cock in and out of your hand at a steady pace.

“I wanted to. Fuck I wanted to, but…”

“But?”

He pants a few times, focused more on chasing his high. Your grip on his cock tightens to the point that he’s forced to stop thrusting, only allowing him to continue when he answers.

“I-I was scared. And you were being so cautious with me-“

“Of course I was! I didn’t want to scare you away. I worked too hard for you, I wasn’t going to mess that up by being too greedy.”

His hips stutter and then pause, his eyes opening to look at you. His face is flush, you can tell even in the dark, and his hair is starting to stick to his face. Still he looks like the sexiest, most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.

“Why?”

“What?” You ask, not prepared to be questioned back like this.

“Why did you put so much effort into me. You could’ve easily slept with one of the other guys. Yoongi’s always had the hots for you. So has Tae. Why me?”

You take a long moment to mull over your answer, your other hand coming up to push some of his sweaty hair out of his face. When you get some clear, you lean in to kiss him a little more gently this time. Though it isn’t any less heated, it’s more of a deep sensual kiss than one of hunger and lust. When you pull away, you look him in the eyes when you answer.

“The same reason anyone chooses anyone else. You’re the one I wanted, Kookie. I would’ve put in a hundred years of work if I had to.”

His eyes are wide with adoration and awe, but the moment can’t last forever. His cock twitching in your hand reminds you of what is happening and you squeeze it gently before going back to pumping him. He gasps quietly at the sensation, his eyes falling closed and his body slowly starting to roll backwards. You move with him, pressing your body into his side when he’s finally laying flat on his back. His hands are clenching and unclenching against his stomach, desperate for some kind of anchor. A thought pings into your mind while you watch him grasp sporadically at his shirt, releasing his cock and pushing both his hands and the shirt up his abdomen. He whines at the loss of contact, lifting his head to see why you’d stopped stroking him only for his eyes to go wide. He looks a bit panicked, his gaze darting around to the half dead bodies around you two. You could so easily be caught, but most of the occupants of the house were completely wasted and would likely never remember this even if they did see it.

You slide down his body quietly, stealthily, like a cat taunting its prey into the shadows. Your eyes catch his and they hold him, their mischief so palpable that it makes Jungkook’s mouth go dry and his cock pulsate so fiercely it taps against his stomach. Your one hand trails down his side lightly, nails tickling his hip and thigh so that he’s shuddering beneath you. He reaches for you, one hand cupping your cheek- wants to tell you to stop, but his throat is so dry he can’t even whisper. Or perhaps he’s lying to himself and doesn’t want you to stop at all. When you quirk an eyebrow in question and you feel the object of your desire tap against your throat with another needy pulse, you know the answer is no, he doesn’t want you to stop.

A trembling whisper of your name leaves his lips and you can only smirk, tilting your head down to kiss just above his navel and then to one side of it. Down, down, further you trail, your kisses getting sloppier as you descend closer to your target. Your tongue and teeth leave wet, rosy patches as you go and you can feel his muscles quivering every time you touch him until finally the desperately red tip of his cock is right in front of you. He whimpers beneath you and you shush him gently, unable to tear your eyes away from the way it pulses and twitches up towards you.

“Please,” he finally lets out, sounding much like he’s on the verge of tears. You smirk again and glance up at him through your lashes.

“Please what, baby?”

He huffs cutely, his other hand cupping the other side of your face and his thumbs smoothing along your cheekbones like he’s so desperate to just pull you into his cock, but doesn’t want to be too demanding. You smile a bit more when his look gets more and more frantic, one of your arms reaching up to rub his chest under his shirt soothingly.

“Relax, my sweet star. Just tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you.”

“P-please…”

“Go on, baby. I know you want it, just tell me.”

“Please, I want your mouth,” he finally shutters out, but you can’t help yourself and push just a bit more.

“What do you want from my mouth?”

He huffs again and looks away, searching the room to make sure everyone there is truly oblivious.

“I-I want…”

“Want?”

“Please, noona, ravage me with your mouth.”

He looks you directly in the eyes as he finishes and the glee that soars through you practically makes you light headed. You grin broadly at him and bite your lip.

“I’ll give you anything you want, bunny. You just have to ask.”

Before he can really bask in your words you focus back on his cock, the hand that had been trying to soothe him shooting down to wrap gently round his base and lead his head to your waiting tongue. His breath shudders out and his mouth opens to let out a rush of air. The precum leaking from his tip covers your tongue in salt, but you don’t mind, all too desperate to feel the full weight of him at the back of your throat. Still you take your time, only licking at his slit to tease him, another droplet of precum oozing out every time to you do.

He’s panting while he watches you, his hands trembling on your face until one shakily weaves into your hair at the crown of your head. He doesn’t grip or pull, doesn’t try to shove more of his cock into your mouth which is what you’re used to. No, he’s too gentle and sweet to force anything. He only wants and lets you lead the way. When you finally wrap you lips around his tip he can’t hold back the noise, his head falling back, his teeth digging into his bottom lip and what he hopes is a quiet moan leaving him. And you can only smirk at the sound, the subtle shudder in his voice making you even more wet and your stomach clench with desire.

You take the time to generously wet the head of his cock, delighting in its twitches while you swirl your tongue around him. When you pop him from your lips the poor thing looks pathetic, practically weeping in your fingers and you feel all too obliged to take him back in. Only this time you take him all in, or at least as much as you can. You suck him all the way to the back of your throat, moaning quietly around his shaft so he can feel the vibrations. And oh does it make him make the most wonderful of sounds. A surprised cry and the slapping of a hand over his mouth (the one that was lightly stroking his fingers along your cheek) has you trying to smile around him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-…”

He lets the mantra trail off quietly, his body arched so you can’t see his face anymore. And as much as you adore the sight of him losing control, you’d much rather see the pleasure on said face. You suck harshly and pull off him, letting him once again pop from your lips. You take care to pump him slowly while you speak, you spit slicking his cock enough that there’s little friction.

“Look at me baby.”

It takes him a few moments, but you wait patiently until he realizes you gave him an order and he follows through. He looks a little lost when he finally locks eyes with you, his gaze a little wild like he can’t really see you at first.

“Noona?”

“Are you with me, sweetheart?”

He looks confused, but nods all the same, probably ready to agree to anything at this point.

“Listen carefully, baby. I want you to look at me the whole time. Don’t you dare look away or I’ll stop, okay? Eyes on me.”

He nods deftly, afraid he won’t be able to fulfill your request, but eagerly wanting to please you.

“Good boy.”

You don’t give him any time to prepare himself and suck him back in as far as he’ll go. He wheezes and squeezes his eyes shut for just a moment, quickly remembering your order and opening them back up to focus on you again. You smirk around his cock to let him know you approve and focus back on your task. When you can’t push him any further down your throat you opt to bob your head, one hand stroking what you can’t swallow and the other massaging his balls. You look up every few seconds to make sure he’s still watching and only have to stop once to make him look at your again. The sloppier his cock and your mouth gets the more he shakes and shudders beneath you, the hand in your hair trembling like a leaf in the wind. He keeps his other hand up by his face, ready to cover his mouth every time he can’t hold back a whimper or moan.

It doesn’t take long, only a few minutes and he’s desperately pleading to you, “I’m cumming, I’m cumming, I-“

You push him in as far as you can take and swallow around him just once before he’s shooting his load down your throat. Tears form in his eyes when he squeezes them shut and you can’t fault him when his head falls back onto the mattress. He did such a good job of watching you, you’ll let him have this one. When the last of his cum is swallowed down, you take care to gently clean what you can off his cock with your tongue. He shakes and gasps beneath you as you do, his head shaking back and forth as if to say he can’t take anymore. You pop off him one last time and kiss his tip softly, grinning when he finally cracks his eyes open to look at you.

He looks madly in love while he stares at you and it makes you somewhat nervous to see such intense emotion in his eyes. You lift yourself and crawl back up his body, pausing to help him pull his pants back up and his shirt back down. You hush him when he tries to button and zip everything back up, pushing his weak and tired hands away.

“No one will notice, just rest baby.”

“Well that was hot.”

You freeze over him, Jungkook’s body going rigid and his eyes widening with fear. You both look over your shoulder and spot Yoongi a small ways away from the foot of your mattress, laying on his side with his head propped up in one hand. He’s smirking at the two of you and while Jungkook looks mortified, you only feel proud. Now someone has witness that Jungkook is yours and no one else can have him.

“Hyung,” he whispers harshly, both his hands coming up to cover his face. You smile fondly at your boy before looking back to Yoongi.

“Well if you’re good and keep this to yourself, maybe next time you can join us.”

Yoongi quirks an eyebrow and grins excitedly, Jungkook letting out a panicked noise when you settle in beside him. He whispers to you quietly as if he doesn’t want Yoongi to hear and you only shush him gently to calm him.

“Lay down and rest, bunny. Don’t worry about him, he’ll keep quiet.”

“But-“

“Shh, sleep.”

You run your fingers through his hair until he finally settles down, turning so that he can wrap himself around you and tuck his head under your chin. You chuckle lovingly and continue to pet him, using your free hand to flip Yoongi off when he makes lewd gestures at you in the dark.

[peridot-dreams]

beautiful people | shawn mendes

Shawn sees a familiar face at the awards show, and learns the value of realness.

The setting sun leaves the Hollywood sky pink and full of possibilities. Shawn finds himself looking out the window at it, still in a daze after the events that had unfolded that day. He’d won several awards for a song he was proud of. He thinks of the look on his parents’ faces in the audience when his name was announced and smiles. That’s who I do this all for, he thinks to himself.

His limousine rolls up the venue. It’s already teeming with people, Lamborghinis, and cameras. Shawn is used to such commotion, but the second he opens the car door, he’s bombarded with excessive noise - noise so loud that he can barely hear himself think.

He’s still riding his post-awards high when he walks in, still dressed in the same red carpet outfit as before. He has a girl on his arm, but not by choice - rather, an unfortunate PR stunt planned terribly and executed even worse. He greets his celebrity friends as he passes by, offering a small smile and a thank you when they congratulate him on his win.

He’s just about to ask the girl on his arm if she’d like to come with him to the drink bar when he sees a flash of silver in the corner of his eye. Shawn realizes who had just walked past him; he feels his heart began to pound in his chest and his breathing gets shallow. “Sorry, can I go to the bathroom?” he tells the girl on his arm, not bothering to wait for a response. He detaches himself and follows the silver blur, around a corner and into a dark hallway.

The silver blur is standing in the dark, scrolling aimlessly on her phone. Shawn sighs and takes in the sight: the silver dress on her is absolutely stunning. Her hair and her makeup is perfect; he feels lost in her presence, stunned by her beauty. He’s never seen her like this, and it only adds to the pain of it all. His mother had once said that losing a best friend is worse than a break up and right now he completely understands what his mother meant.

“Y/N,” he breathes. When she looks up, he feels like running away - she’s looking at him as if he’s the dirt under her silver heels. He wishes she would stop, that she would run to him and hug him and make everything alright between them again. She’s standing right in front of him but he misses her, misses everything about their friendship and support for each other.

“What do you want, Mendes?” she mutters under her breath. She turns her attention back to her phone, tapping her toe incessantly. Shawn can’t stand the sound of her heel hitting the ground because he remembers that she tends to fidget when she’s upset; the clacking sound is only a reminder of their friendship that had crashed and burned for reasons Shawn still fails to understand.

“Why do you hate me so much?” Shawn blurts out. “I don’t get it, Y/N. We used to be best friends, and one day you just started hating me and I still don’t understand why.”

“Because,” Y/N spits, shoving her phone into her bag. “Because you’re like them now.”

“Who’s ‘them’?”

“All those fake people out there!” Y/N exclaims, her eyes glancing over to the party-goers with a disgusted look plastered on her face. Shawn feels her gaze coming back to him, judging and critical. He feels like he could wither under her stare like a plant in a drought. “Shawn, you’ve changed. You used to be so down to earth, so genuine, but now you’re caught up in the money and fame and corporate bullshit.”

“Am not!” Shawn crosses his arms as he unconsciously clenches his teeth. “That’s such bull-”

“Shawn, you’re the epitome of fake. You’re in a fucking PR relationship.”

“W-What-”

“Don’t even try to argue. It’s so obvious and even your fans know what’s going on.”

Shawn closes his eyes. He wishes that he could argue with her, but arguing in the dark hallway outside of an after party wasn’t the ideal setting to do so. From the outside looking in, he knows it looks like he’s changed but he needs her to know that it’s not true. He needs his best friend back in his life again.

“Look,” Shawn speaks, taking a deep breath. “Let’s ditch this party. I know you don’t like these kinds of events anyway, so I don’t even know why you’re here…”

“My manager made me come.”

“Right. Whatever, let’s just sneak out. Let’s hang out like we used to, okay? I’ve missed you.”

“Don’t you need to get back to fake-dating your ‘girlfriend’?” Y/N snaps, giving Shawn the most sarcastic air quotes she can muster.

“No, fuck that,” he says. Against his better judgment, he takes her hand in his. He’s relieved when she doesn’t try to yank her hand back. “Let’s just go.”

✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Thirty minutes later, Shawn finds himself sitting across from Y/N at a dingy old diner on the other side of Hollywood. He watches as she twirls the straw in her chocolate milkshake. She hasn’t said more than three words to him since they left the party, and Shawn feels like trying to salvage their friendship is pointless at this point. Shawn knew from their now-dead friendship that Y/N was a champion at holding grudges - he just never expected to find himself at the other end of one.

“So how’ve you been?” Shawn asks softly. He wants to kick himself for how awkward and nervous he sounds, but he hopes that Y/N will take his nerves as a sign of his genuine interest in rekindling their friendship.

“Fine,” she mumbles. She takes a tiny sip of her chocolate shake. “Slow year.”

Shawn knows that isn’t true. He Googles her name every few weeks and watches every single interview she appears in on YouTube. Y/N’s acting career had taken off in the past few years, and she’d been getting tons of lead roles in TV shows and movies lately. He always gets a pang of jealousy in the pit of his stomach when he sees pictures of her with friends on Instagram, because he knows full well that it could have been him travelling the world with her, experiencing new things with her.

He doesn’t tell her that he’s been keeping tabs on her. “Yeah,” Shawn mutters. “Okay.”

The tension in the air could be cut with a knife. It doesn’t help that the diner is completely empty, save for the old man who owns it and is busy complaining about how “millenials are killing the restaurant business” under his breath. Shawn tries to focus on the owner’s mutterings, desperately wanting to think about something other than the fact that Y/N is totally not into him or the conversation that he’s been trying to keep going.

“I don’t hate you, by the way.”

Shawn’s head snaps up to look at her, eyes wide with shock. “Well, you stopped talking to me out of the blue, so I just assumed you did.”

“Well, I don’t.” She stops twirling her milkshake straw and drops her hands into her lap. She meets his gaze, eyes still hard and lips pressed together in a straight line. “You’ve just...changed.”

“I think we’ve both changed.”

“No.” She shakes her head, letting out an indignant laugh. Shawn winces at the sharpness of her tone. “You’re the one who started doing brand deals, ripping off fans with overpriced tickets and merch, signing PR contracts and betraying your fans…”

“Y/N.” Shawn’s hands are starting to shake; he rubs his thighs over his jeans in an attempt to calm himself down. Her words are cutting deeper than a knife; he can barely stand it.

“You’ve completely betrayed your fans, Shawn. You’ve sold them out to every company that has approached you, taken advantage of their trust. Damn it Shawn, you’re even endorsing overpriced water now, like how stupid is-”

“That wasn’t fucking me!” Shawn slams his hand on the table. The old man stops mumbling about millenials and looks in fear at the angry boy. Y/N is barely fazed, her hard glare still targeting Shawn.

“Oh really?” She narrows her eyes at him. “‘Cause your ass is everywhere these days, every time I turn on the TV-”

“Do you remember how my career started?”

Y/N stops for a second, but rolls her eyes immediately after. “Yeah, at some overpriced convention marketed towards prepubescent teenagers.”

“Before MAGCON,” Shawn interrupts. His eyes plead with her to understand, to see where he’s coming from. “I was just a kid, sitting in my room with a guitar. Singing cover songs and making six second videos even though no one was listening. Because I felt like it. Because it made me happy.”

“Yeah. I remember.”

“Yeah. That’s the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.” A sigh leaves Shawn’s mouth; his eyes drop to his lap as he tries to calm his shaking hands and voice. He’s never felt so heated in his life, like every emotion is about to burst out of his chest. “And then everything just took off and suddenly I was signing with a record label and being thrust into the public eye. I was just a small town kid from Canada, but suddenly people were starting to expect things from me.”

“Shawn-”

“No, please. Hear me out.” The suit on his body was tailored to be comfortable, but in the heat of his rant it feels like it’s suffocating him. “It all went so fast. It was just one song after another and interviews and TV shows and concerts and tours. Everything was just going by so fast and every day, I lost a piece of myself. I was on autopilot, and my team was just signing me up for everything and I would let myself be led by them. Even now, I just sign contracts without thinking and allow myself to be molded by people who only care about money.”

“Shawn, why didn’t you tell me any of this before?” Y/N’s eyes are soft now. She suddenly notices how tired he looks under the makeup that he was forced to wear to the awards event: his sunken eyes, the dark bags under them, the lines that furrowed into his skin between his eyebrows. He looks like he’s barely hanging on to life, like the walls are caving in and he’s been trying to hold them up. She wishes she would have noticed earlier how lifeless he looks. “We were best friends, you could have told me about this.”

“Because,” Shawn starts, holding back the sob forcing itself up his throat. “I can’t ever tell anyone because I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I’m grateful, I really am...I’m lucky to have my passion be my career. But I’m so tired, Y/N. I just want to go back to being that kid in his bedroom, playing guitar because he feels like it, not because he signed a contract or because someone else wants him to.” He closes his eyes, sighing, letting his head fall back slightly. He reminds himself to relax his shoulders and take deep breaths. “When I’m on stage, I get to go back to being happy for just a moment. I get to forget about everyone’s expectations, about contracts and brand deals and PR and all the bullshit. I get to be me. Completely free.”

She’s stunned and he knows it. He’s just unloaded all of the burdens he’s been carrying; Shawn doesn’t know how Y/N is going to react, but he feels lighter, he feels better. He just hopes, so desperately, that she’ll understand his brokenness and the wreckage that has been left in his mind as a result of the stress and anxiety of the last few years. He hopes that she’ll understand him for what he is, not what he appears to be.

“So I haven’t changed, Y/N. I’m not like them; I’m like you. Money and fame, it’s just not who we are.”

“Shawn, I’m so sorry.” Her tear-filled eyes move in a frenzy as she realizes the falsity of her words and accusations. “I should have realized that you felt this way and that you were struggling. I’m so sorry for severing our friendship and for not knowing what was going on.”

“No, it’s not your fault. I just…”

Shawn groans as he sees the group of people that have congregated outside the windows of the diner. They both gaze into the parking lot, bombarded by bright flashes and deafened by the sound of cameras shuttering.

“Fuck. It’s the paps.” Shawn groans again, head rolling back in frustration. “How did they find us?”

“They were following your famous ass,” Y/N says, laughing. Shawn smiles; he resists the urge to point out that she’s famous too, and has more followers than him on Instagram.

“Should we leave?” Shawn asks.

“Hell no. They want pics, let’s give them pics.” Shawn watches in awe as Y/N stands up on her seat despite the loud protesting of the owner. She starts waving at them crazily, her peace signs occasionally replaced by a middle finger.

“Fuck you!” she yells in between her laughs. Shawn grins; he finds himself copying her and standing on his own seat. He starts waving at the cameras, reveling in the flashes and dancing like an idiot to the music inside his head.

“Fuck you!” he yells. He’s never felt so liberated in his entire life. He starts posing with her, each pose more ridiculous than the prior. They pretend to tango on the table, screaming when they nearly topple over the edges. He twirls her around, smile growing bigger and bigger with each giggle that leaves her mouth. “It’s been two years and you still suck at dancing,” he cackles. She pretends to gasp, then sticks her tongue out at him and at the paps outside.

Before he realizes what he’s doing, his lips are on hers. She doesn’t kiss back at first, shocked, but when Shawn is about to pull away he feels her hands on the back of his head pulling him closer. Suddenly, there’s nothing else in the entire world besides her; they’re not standing on top of a diner table anymore. It’s like they’re floating and Shawn’s body is leaning into hers and he’s never felt so complete before. The smell of her conditioner makes him forget his own name and he realizes that her lips taste like chocolate and friends aren’t supposed to know how each other taste but he doesn’t care because it’s her and it’s always been her.

When they finally pull away, Shawn’s gasping for breath and Y/N’s eyes are as wide as saucers as she realizes what has just happened. “S-Shawn. Your PR contract…”

“Fuck the PR contract. Let’s give the world something real.” And their lips connect again, for the paparazzi cameras and the whole world to see.

[horansqueen]

one shot request: y/n is watching Niall working out and seeing him all sweaty really turns her on and he helps her out after his workout (based on workout Niall 🥵)

okay so, 2.5k. im supposed to be sleeping because i work tomorrow. but i just had to post this first. i hope you guys enjoy! SMUT. the usual warnings i guess? so i added the pics or Niall and a few gifs because visuals are always good. so here it is. let me know what you think!

I've always loved summer days, and that feeling had really increased this year. I always had the habit to get on the terrace to sunbathe or read a book (or both) but this summer, my boyfriend had started working out right next to me. He said he wanted to enjoy the sun, and that it was more motivating, but one night, when he was very drunk, he had admitted that not only did enjoy spending more time with me, but he also liked the way I was looking at him when he worked out. It surprised me slightly since I thought I was clever and subtle about it but I couldn't deny that I enjoyed watching him work out next to me.

I thought we would be used to each other after over a year of dating and spending all that time together but it seemed like I would never get enough of him. Mentally and physically. He didn't need to work out, he was already perfect the way he was, but there was something sexy in watching him sweat, and that something couldn't be compared to anything, except maybe when he'd sweat and groan while being on top of me. The thought made my eyes flutter behind my sunglasses and I turned my head slowly and slightly to look at him. I couldn't do much since he was zooming with his coach but I just enjoyed the view, not able to focus more than two seconds on the book I was reading.

When he finally stopped, he got up and grabbed a towel to wipe the sweat off is forehead and looked back at my book, pretending to read. I felt his body move closer to mine and suddenly, my sun was blocked by his shadow, making me move my sunglasses up on my head to look at him.

"Can I help you?" I asked, raising my eyebrows, as I saw a smirk draw itself on his lips.

"I was about to ask you the same thing." he replied, the left corner of his lips raising up slightly more. "I could feel your eyes on me the whole time I was working out." he added, crossing his arms on his chest.

My eyes wandered on one of his arms for half a second before moving back to his face. "I have no idea what you're talking about." I just said with a shrug.

"You're a good actress Y/N, but you can't fool me." he added with a chuckle. "Besides, you've been reading for over an hour and you haven't flipped a page."

This time, I grimaced and he laughed some more, taking a step back and taking his towel again to place it around his neck. Slowly, I got up and tilted my head to stare at him.

"It's just because I was lost in my thoughts."

"Lost on my chest, you mean, but it's okay, you can look all you want." he let out, half-joking, raising his eyebrows and sending me a cocky smile.

"Oh you're hot alright." I admitted, taking a step closer. "But can you really please a girl? That's the real question, Horan."

He placed both of his hands on the sides of the door frame and I held my breath, my eyes immediately moving to his armpits. Why was this so fucking hot? Why did this sight totally turn me on?

"I'd be offended that you ask... if you didn't scream my name and shake in my arms every single time I fuck you."

My eyebrows raised and my lips parted at how bold he was but I couldn't really deny his words and I just licked my lips, moving again his way. The closer I was getting the more his smile was growing and when I was so close that I could feel his body heat hitting my skin, I inhaled deeply, staring into his eyes. Was it wrong to enjoy his post-workout smell and the sight of sweat falling on his forehead?

"I can bet you anything you want that I can keep quiet the whole time you fuck me."

He chuckled and shook his head, his eyes never leaving mine, and his hands gripped the door frame more. "Bullshit." he replied, clearly teasing me. "You start whimpering as soon as my hands get on you. It only takes a fingertip and those beautiful eyes of yours just close while your lips part. And the way you moan petal, that's totally worth it."

He was right, and I knew it, but it was a challenge I was ready to try. "What do you want to bet?" I proposed, tilting my chin up and licking my lips.

He glanced at my mouth and when he looked back in my eyes, his smirk was even bigger. "How about if you lose, I get to fuck that pretty dirty mouth of yours whenever I want for the next week?"

'Whenever I want', for Niall, literally meant 'whenever I want'. It could be three times in an hour, or randomly while driving to the grocery. Sometimes, I would even wake up in the middle of the night with the tip of his dick between my lips. He knew what 'owning' was all about and he enjoyed it. I did too, and he was well aware of it.

"And if I win?"

He bent down more and his lips were almost touching mine but I didn't budge. My heart was beating so hard in my chest though that I was wondering if he could hear it.

"If you win, I'll spend two hours between your legs every day for a week."

"With your mouth?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Mouth, tongue, lips, nose, my whole face if you want."

"Oh, I want." I admitted with a small smile, bringing one of my hands up and brushing my thumb on his bottom lip. "Very very bad."

"It's a deal, then." he whispered. "And we're starting now."

Without giving me a chance to protest, he crashed his mouth on mine and I had to stop myself from whimpering as my heart jumped in my chest. He tasted so good and when he pushed his tongue in my mouth, I shut my eyes tight. Quickly, he turned us around and walked my way, making sure I'd step back inside as his hands found my waist. I broke our kiss and grabbed the bottom of his shirt, pulling it over his head quickly and throwing it away. I didn't know if going faster was going to make it easier for me, but the thought of him eating me out for two hours while I came over and over on his face was strong enough to make me want and try to win this bet.

"You're so impatient and you think you can actually win this, pet?" he chuckled low. "This is impossible for you, I know you too well. I know exactly what to do to make your heart race, your pussy throb, and your body shake."

I knew it was true but I simply let my lips run on his neck, ignoring his words. His skin tasted salty due to the sweat and somehow, that turned me on even more. I swallowed the moan that threatened to escape and felt his hand slip under my shirt.

"Like when I play with your tits, and run my thumbs on your nipples." he continued, doing exactly what he was saying and making my eyes flutter. "I'm impressed, petal. Didn't think you could keep quiet with that. Now let's try something else."

He took a small step back and worked on my pants, unzipping them and pulling on them. I held my breath and looked down at him as he got on his knees and helped him take my pants off before he threw them farther. The left corner of his lips raised again and slowly, he moved closer to me, his gaze still stuck to mine. I held my breath when his lip pressed against my panties but it didn't take long until he pulled them on the side to run his tongue on my slit. I immediately reached for his hair and let my eyes roll back as my head fell on my shoulders. What exactly did I get myself into? Niall knew me by heart. I was definitely going to lose.

He slipped his tongue inside me and I pressed my lips together as one of my hands reached for his hair, pulling on it hard and pressing his face more in my pussy. I knew it was going to be even harder to keep my moans in but I couldn't resist. I started grinding on his face and when he moaned against my pussy, I started feeling dizzy.

"You can't do that." I pointed out in a whisper, making him laugh.

He got up and I blinked a few times as my vision was getting clearer. He was close to me and my eyes dropped to his glistening lips. "I can do what I want. I'm not the one who can't make any noise, you are."

Suddenly, he moved closer and his hand wrapped around my neck, making my heart skip a few beats and I held my breath again. Slowly but a bit roughly, he brought me to the couch and made me lie down on it before laying on top of me. With his free hand, he snapped the side of my panties off and my eyes got bigger but I had a hard time focusing on anything else but his fingers pressing on my throat.

"You make me so hard, petal. I'm so horny. I'm gonna fuck you so hard it'll be impossible for you to keep quiet." he added before I felt his cock press on my inner thighs, realizing he had pulled his shorts down quickly. "But I'll help you a bit." he finally let out with an other smirk, choking me slightly more. "Not easy to moan with my hand on your throat, right darling?"

"Fuck you." I whispered as my lips parted, making him laugh again.

"Fuck me? No fuck you, that's what I'll do."

Without waiting, he moved his hips against mine, making his dick fill me completely in half a second. My eyes opened wide and it was a miracle I didn't let out any sound, but I spread my legs more to feel him as deep as possible.

"Look at you, all fucked under me. Don't you wish you could moan my name?" he chuckled. "You know what I'll do darling? I'll allow you to moan my name once. Just once. When you cum. How's that? What do you say to your amazing boyfriend?"

"Fuck you." I repeated with a smirk, making him raise his eyebrows.

"I was thinking more something like, 'Thank you, your dick is massive and I can't wait until you fuck my mouth multiple times a day for a week'... but it'll do."

If he hadn't started to thrust in and out of me at this moment, I would have laughed and replied something smart, but the way he was moving completely out of me before pushing himself back deep inside me over and over again was making me dizzy.

After fucking me for a while, he let go of my throat and I breathed in deeply to catch my breath. He moved back on his knees and grabbed my waist, pulling me up and turned me around. I felt my palms sink in the cushions of his couch but the way his hands ran on my back and until my ass made me close my eyes again. He spread my cheeks and pushed his cock inside me again but slowly this time, and I could feel myself throb around him.

"Fuck, my love, you feel so fucking good." he groaned low, slipping one of his fingertips in my ass. "I miss your moans though, why don't you let out a few whimpers for me?"

I didn't answer and he just let out a low 'Alright then!' before thrusting in and out of me again, pinching and slapping my ass whenever he wanted. He ended up with his chest leaning against my back, his damp skin rubbing against mine as he held himself on his couch with one hand while the other was running on my breasts quickly.

"You make me want to cum deep inside you." he murmured as his hand brushed on my stomach to reach between my legs. "I want to feel you clench around me, first. I want to hear you moan my name as you cum."

Two of his fingertips started rubbing my clit as he fucked me harder and I knew it was close. I tensed beneath him, shutting my eyes tight, and despite myself my body quivered and a low moan escaped my lips. He didn't mention it and his thrust became unsteady. He kept pushing himself harder and deeper inside me, making it harder for me to keep my balance and without any warning, I felt an orgasm hit me.

"Oh my god, Niall, fuck!" I let out louder than intended as I started shaking.

It only took him half a minute to started coming too and the grunts he let out as he kept fucking me to ride both our orgasms made me see spots behind my eyelids.

We ended up both panting as he peppered kisses on my shoulders, making me shiver, and after a while, we both lied down on the couch, facing each other.

"I heard it, you know."

My eyes fluttered open and I started nibbling on my bottom lip, sending him an innocent look and making him laugh. "Heard what?"

"I heard you moan before you came." he explained, totally aware that I knew what he was talking about. "I won."

I raised my nose up and groaned. It had been tough and I couldn't believe I had lost like that. I was so close to win.

"But you put up a good fight." he added, his smirk turning into a fond smile. "How about we both do what we said we'd do if we lost?"

I raised my eyebrows at him and my lips curled. I brought my hand to his cheek and brushed my thumb gently on his cheek, watching a few drops of sweat fall off his forehead.

"That's nice of you."

"Hey, I'm a nice guy." he chuckled, moving closer to peck my lips.

"And... I did stare at you the whole time you worked out." I admitted, trying to hide my smile. "It's just so hot, I can't help it."

This time, he laughed and his nose raised up in the cutest way possible. "If my work out sessions can always end like this, pet, I would never complain."

[theunderdogwrites]

2020: The Year I Lost My Ass

Well, we reached the end of that toilet roll only to start another one, because that is what we do for as long as we are allowed to continue revolutions around the sun – we keep going.

2020 was a terrible year for so many. My brain is incapable of processing the number of losses suffered on a global scale. Be it jobs, security, rights, sanity, relationships or life. My brain is not just incapable of these calculations, it has plain refused to entertain those thoughts on behalf of my heart. My heart, that sensitive little blood pumping work horse who not once allows itself to stop. Thank goodness.

I don’t believe the majority of people are willing and able to bring themselves to fully comprehend what was lost in 2020.

Here is a list of a few more losses suffered last year:

- People lost their shit. And over the most ridiculous things like toilet paper, having to wear a mask to secure toilet paper and being held to the consequences resulting from not wearing a mask when asked to while attempting to purchase toilet paper. Pause for a moment and let that last sentence hang around in your mind. 2020 made that happen. I didn’t make it up! Recently I saw a news piece showing a man (40’s) lying down on the floor in a Costco to protest being asked to wear a mask. He spoke loudly, he beat his hands at his sides and wildly kicked his legs when an employee asked him to get up. Now, I am not judging for I too have participated in such behaviour MANY times. Granted I was three, but hey… some of us mature faster than others.

 - People lost their damn minds. 2020 should be dubbed “The Year of The Karen”. For those of you not in the know about the Karen phenomenon, here is a description courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

 “Karen is a pejorative term used in the United States and other English-speaking countries for a woman perceived as entitled or demanding beyond the scope of what is appropriate or necessary. A common stereotype is that of a white woman who uses her privilege to demand her own way at the expense of others.’

 Basically, a Karen is a I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER type person (There is a male equivalent, but it seems no one can agree on the name… Chad, Terry, Kyle, Kevin, Steve). You can often find a Karen on her cellphone calling the police to report a black man who lives in her neighborhood, simply living his life in her neighbourhood. I didn’t make that up either.

 More recently a Karen was videoed in a UPS store claiming that she didn’t have to wear a mask because that space was government property and not a private business. Would it be safe to say that most Karen types suffer from a lack of oxygen to their brain? Possibly. But that would involve science and Karen types DO NOT enjoy hard facts.

 As always when I download my thoughts into reality, I must go within and search myself. Am I a Karen? My immediate answer is: no fucking way. I can honestly say I’ve never once asked to see a manager or called the police to report someone eating their lunch on a park bench. I do not enjoy confrontation. Unless there is a bully involved. Then I will drag that person to hell with me. I much prefer discussion over going straight to the ‘I triple dog dare you!’ approach to the world. (If you got that reference, you are my new favourite) Because that is who a Karen really is… someone who jumps right to the most extreme action in order to satisfy their need to be superior. Truly, we should feel sorry for these people because instead of engaging they’re raging. And how awful must their insides feel… always full of anger, fear and self doubt. I say instead of judging these Karen types or putting them on blast on social media, we should hug the shit out of them. Just grab them and squeeze as hard as you fucking can until they stop talking. Peaceful solutions my friends, peaceful solutions.

 - Pets lost their faith in us. Children a close second. If you are a proud owner of a pet or a child, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I’ve always operated under the notion that my cat loves it when I’m home and hates it when I leave. 2020 has taught me it might be the other way around. Because our animals are, well, animals we just believe our presence is the greatest gift in their lives. Remember when you were old enough to be left alone by your parents and once you had the taste of that kind of freedom, you just wanted more of it and couldn’t wait for them to go out? I feel it’s like that with our pets now. We might not think animals have a routine or preferences or enjoy some alone time, but we’d be wrong.

I think at first our pets were thrilled. If we are home more it means more time for prolonged petting, walks and the opportunity to ritualistically train us to respond to their caterwauls for more food and treats than normal. But then as the weeks of lockdown and working from home increased, so did our pets desire to kill us in our sleep.

 I’m pretty sure my cat has asked me several times using her feline glare: “why the fuck won’t you just leave?”. It would be naïve of us to assume we don’t disrupt their day with our constant noise making and snacking and scotch drinking that leads to a good buzz that leads to showing too much affection to our pets. To the point where they run and hide when they see us coming. Please tell me I didn’t describe just my own experience.

 There is such a thing as everything in moderation, we know this, so I think it can be applied here. People, get away from your pets. Give them the space you often desire from human beings. Because if you don’t, that random turd in your shoe could be pointing to a much larger, more alarming problem you’re about to encounter.

 I had the absolute blessing of being able to assist in caring for and raising of my three nephews (12,9,6) for the last 11 years. So, when I say: ‘children are always watching us’, I feel I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been mimicked so often by these young boys that I’ve had to pause due to mortification. Children will hold you accountable without even knowing it. I’ve had some behaviours of mine corrected by a 5-year-old and let me tell you, it stings like hell.

 As adults, when our world was thrown into turmoil because of Covid-19, we looked to our medical health professionals and our politicians for guidance. Basically, we searched for those who would lead us. The children – looked to us. And while many adults handled this responsibility the best they possibly could, many more failed miserably and displayed attitudes I can only describe as juvenile, damaging and pathetic. I suppose it doesn’t help if the people the adults are looking to for help are themselves - juvenile, damaging and pathetic.

 When I say we still have not grasped just how much has been lost over the past year, I’m hinting at integrity, compassion and creditability. Three vital qualities you’d hope people want to instill into their children. But if they themselves are unable to display such valuable traits, what does this say for the children who are looking up to them as an example on how to act when life gets challenging?

 For myself in 2020, I gained by losing.

When they locked our gyms down for four months last spring, I came close to being one of those people who lost their shit. While people were moaning about wearing a mask for 20 minutes in the grocery store, I was contemplating if murdering those people could be considered a cardio exercise and would that hold up in a court of law.

To reflect on that time period now (especially since our gyms are closed AGAIN at the moment) the loss of the gyms brought me the knowledge of how important the routine of going to and being in the gym is to my mental health. I won’t launch into how I feel about shopping malls being open and gyms being closed despite their proven benefit to one’s overall health because then I really will lose my shit.

People always say getting to the gym is the hardest part and once they’re there it’s easy to workout. And for many that is the truth, but for me it’s all a part of the workout. Getting to the gym is the psychological effort. Putting in the work at the gym is the physical. You can’t have one without the other. I became so pathetic that I’d often walk to the closed gym from my house, stare at the closed doors and then walk home. 1.5 hour round trip. True story.

Remember a few years back everyone became obsessed with that Netflix show ‘Tidying Up with Marie Kondo’? It is the show where that lovely woman from Japan showed us all how to declutter our homes by getting rid of anything that didn’t bring us joy. Those acid wash jeans from 1989… sit with them… hold them close to your chest… if they don’t make you happy, remove them from your space. Well, the same idea can be applied to people and ideas and even feelings. And 2020 was a great year for simplifying our lives. I’ve heard so many people talk about how they can’t wait to get back to ‘normal’… not me. I’ve already started my ‘new normal’.

The loss of drama has gained me peace and a better understanding of the importance of remaining true to who I am instead of trying to please others in hopes it wins me points. Because it doesn’t. Because its inauthentic and only brings you more loss and more drama. And anxiety. And sleepless nights. And an overall sense of hatred for everyone. 2020 gave me the option to no longer care about the things that don’t make me happy and to embrace the process of letting all that stupid bullshit fade away.

It was a year of gained focus.

It was a year of gained appreciation.

It was a year of gained gratitude.

It was a year of gained love for myself.

 I’m going to leave you now, but not before I share one of my favorite songs by the Tragically Hip:

In A World Possessed by The Human Mind

Just give me the news

It can all be lies

Exciting over fair or the right thing at the right time

Everything is clear

Just how you described

The way it appears, "A world possessed by the human mind"

 Then I think I smiled

Then I think you said, "it's fine"

And quietly I dressed, in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 We're in awe of no one

We've none of their fear

Fighting's goin' nowhere and we stay right here

Where everything is quiet

A little super dangerous

"In the shadow of the law and with colours of justice"

 Then I hope I smiled

Then I'm sure you said, "It's fine"

They got no interest in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 Everything is quiet

A little super dangerous

Quiet enough to hear God rustlin' around in the bushes

Oh, but it was you

Girl, I was so afraid

You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"

 Then I hope I laughed

Then I hope I said, "it's fine"

And quietly undressed in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 Oh it was you

Girl, I was so afraid

You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgXphurrsE0

[satonthelotuspier]

I'm seeing prompts on your site and does that mean you are accepting them right now? I've never requested a prompt before and I don't know what to do? But if I'm doing it right I'd really like to see 13 for XueXiao from the bodyguard au prompt list? Fluffy or angsty, as you please. Am I doing this right?

OK so Im being obvious, but this contains XueXiao.

Modern Bodyguard AU so none of the complications of canon apply.

Now the disclaimers are out of the way, I have to apologise to the very patient @amaskinamirror bc this took so much longer to write than I expected. The reason being most of my prompt fics end up around the 1k-1.4k word mark and this kept going and kept going because there was a story there. It came in around the 4.5k work mark. Think of it as added value, unless you hate it in which case it’s not ;)

Pompts from this post here

Part 2 now available here

Xue Yang is the enfant terrible of the music world and his manager has pretty much had enough of his shitty behaviour. Features a thorny Xue Yang shaped by the worlds opinions of him, and a hardass yet caring Xiao Xingchen who maybe might just start to see beyond the lies.

Possible triggers/warnings: Also features swearing, man-handling, use of a date rape drug, minor injury and blood. Luckily XXC is there to save the day in all situations.

Xue Yang was woken up from a deep, no doubt alcohol-induced, sleep to the feeling of cold water being splashed in his face.

He shot upright coughing and spluttering and wiping water out of his eyes, trying to process what the hell had happened. The unconscious bodies around him all started to stir and groan back to lucidity.

Xue Yang followed the long line of the leg in front of him up to eventually meet a pair of dark eyes staring down at him without expression.

“What the fuck?” he demanded and tried to get up but someone he didn’t even remember the name of was laid across his legs.

It had been another party. One where they’d drunk hard and passed out before dawn some time; he didn’t know half the people here. That had never stopped him. Being the enfant terrible of the music industry took both time, effort and commitment.

The tall man bent down to extricate him, then yanked him to his feet.

“You have rehearsals in ninety minutes. Get showered, you smell like a brewery” a garment bag was pushed into his hands then he was waved in the direction of the hotel suite’s bathroom.

“Excuse me, but just who the fuck are you?” honestly his head felt a little woolly still from the after-effect of the alcohol he’d been drinking, but he was sure he didn’t know who this man was or what he was doing in his hotel suite.

“Your Fairy Godmother, Cinderella, now go get a shower, you’re wasting time”

Xue Yang grabbed hold of the collar of his jacket, “Don’t bullshit me”

The hand that clamped around his wrist was steel-like, “Your new security. Your manager sends his regards. I won’t tell you to go and shower again”

“Firstly, if you are security you are not my boss, so you can stop with the ordering me around like I’m your little bitch, secondly, you are my security? I’m sure if a duckling gets too close you’ll do a great job, otherwise…” he was going to push the other away, sure because of his willowy frame it would be easy. Quite how he ended up in an armlock and being dragged to the bathroom he didn’t know. He bit his tongue to stifle the cry of pain; no way would he utter the noise aloud. “Who the fuck do you think you are?” he snarled as the other kept going into the bathroom.

“I’ve already explained. I’m not going to repeat myself” the man opened the shower door, pushed Xue Yang into the cubicle and pushed the on button.

Of course Xue Yang never learned his lesson; he launched himself at the other only to bounce off the cubicle door as the other shut it behind him, holding it closed.

“New world order, xiao-Xue, get used to being my little bitch” the other grinned as Xue Yang punched the glass then yelled at the pain in his hand, “Clean up, I don’t want to be forced to come in there and clean you up myself”

***

Xue Yang curled himself up as small as possible on the back seat of the car; he was in high sulk. After calling his manager to demand an explanation of what was going on Jin Guangyao had told him in no uncertain terms he’d better get used to the idea of Xiao Xingchen being around. His new security was not only there to provide for his personal safety after a spate of disturbing mail (more disturbing than the usual run of the mill threats at least), but to whip him into some kind of shape as Jin Guangyao was convinced his terrible behaviour, bad reputation and general personality was about to lose them some very large contracts.

Everyone loved a bad boy in theory, but when it began to affect his ability to make his management company money then they were definitely going to act to protect their asset.

And that had come in the form of Xiao Xingchen, who looked as gentle and fragile as an orchid but who had already handed Xue Yang his ass once today already.

“A-Qing, I need breakfast” Xue Yang whined at his assistant as his stomach rumbled for the fourth time.

“You shouldn’t have upset the new bodyguard then” she mocked him quietly, and he retreated even more, pulling the hood of his jacket up and wrapping his arms around his knees as A-Qing took pity on him and leaned forward to ask the driver to stop at a nearby coffee shop.

They did, and A-Qing and the driver returned with coffees for all and a bag full of muffins.

Lao-Xia, the driver, and A-Qing had been with Xue Yang long enough to not meet his gaze as they started on their own food; Xiao Xingchen had no such warning; he was too busy goggling at Xue Yang who had made his own muffin disappear like a magician with a rabbit.

“Are you going to eat that?” Xue Yang asked, pointing at the baked bun in Xiao Xingchen’s hand.

He simply offered it over; perhaps surprised at the demonstration of the speed at which a muffin could be demolished without trace.

The second one followed the first in quick order and Xue Yang froze as the other reached  over to brush the crumbs that had stuck to the corner of his mouth away with a thumb.

“You don’t want the Paparazzi to catch that” he said simply before turning in his seat to look out of the windscreen and sip at his coffee.

Xue Yang curled back in on himself and held his ridiculously sweet iced coffee to his chest.

“You eat too much sugar” Xiao Xingchen told him as Lao-Xia started the car and set off driving to the studio, “You need something to give you energy for the first meal of the day”

“Good luck with that, he functions on pure sugar and supplements” A-Qing mocked and Xue Yang shot her an annoyed look.

***

Xue Yang didn’t know why he was surprised the next morning when he was awoken by a solid shake to the shoulder.

He hadn’t been able to avoid the other to sneak off to party last night so he wasn’t hung over but that didn’t mean he was any more amenable to the idea of waking up.

“Come on Sleeping Beauty, you have to be at your first interview in an hour”

Interviews. His mortal enemy. The thing he hated most in the world. And he was still no better at dealing with them than he had been as a fresh face on the music scene, where the press had crucified him, thrown every painful fact of his past in his face and then painted him as a troubled bad boy with a temper; a role he’d eventually just given up fighting against and embraced.

He threw the blankets over his head; maybe if he just went back to sleep the interview would disappear.

The blankets were thrown back.

“Dude, what the fuck?” he demanded, was he allowed no privacy at all anymore?

“Get up” Xiao Xingchen jerked his head towards the bathroom.

“Fuck off. I’m not going” he reached out to push the other away.

It went about as well as yesterday had for him; he ended up face down on the bed with his arm locked up between his shoulder blades.

“Are you going to learn any time soon? I mean, kudos for persistence but lose points for stupidity. Now, last chance to get up on your own, otherwise I’ll throw you over my shoulder and you can go dressed like that”

Xue Yang wasn’t sure he believed the other was strong enough to actually carry him out of the hotel room, but he daren’t take the chance he might be dragged out kicking and screaming and dressed in his ratty old t-shirt and shorts.

“Fine, yes, I’m getting up. Let me go, please” as a street child he’d learned to beg prettily and it wasn’t a skill he was averse to using if he needed to, to survive. It didn’t need to be sincere, it just needed to sound it, to be calculated to pull on the other’s heart strings.

It didn’t seem to affect Xiao Xingchen, but he was released nonetheless.

***

Xue Yang of course arrived on time for his first interview, (there were three in total scheduled for today), as far as they went it wasn’t particularly gruelling for him, but he was fully aware he was a mess by the end of it; he’d probably come across like he was on drugs, but it wasn’t like that would be the first, second or third time the rumour would circulate in relation to him.

He knew Xiao Xingchen eyed him in consideration, but he ignored it; he didn’t have the presence of mind to survive the next two interviews and worry about what his new security agent was judging him for today.

He was much worse by the end of the second; he had been left alone a sitting room of the hotel the interview’s had been arranged at and he lowered his head into his hands, trying to even out his breathing and calm himself. His professionalism would be questioned even further if he failed to complete the last interview, or screwed up during it.

He felt the couch dip next to him, “Here” he looked up, poison on his tongue ready to be spit at Xiao Xingchen when he realised the other held out one of those large chocolate chip cookies in a napkin. There was also iced coffee sat on the table in front of him.

“Just relax, empty your head, and focus on the cookie” Xiao Xingchen informed him; raising an eyebrow as Xue Yang didn’t immediately accept the confectionery from him.

He took it with tentative thanks; and it vanished almost immediately once he’d decided to accept the gesture. Once he’d gotten the sugary coffee inside him too he felt much better.

***

Despite his trash reputation he wasn’t late for a single appointment over the next weeks; Jin Guangyao assured him it was perfectly alright to project the rebel for the masses but when you played the brat with the people in the business you’d soon be blacklisted; a risk he wasn’t willing to take with Xue Yang.

Xue Yang hadn’t managed to get near alcohol or a party in that time due to Xiao Xingchen’s hawk eyes and iron control.

Since the second morning though instead of being woken up with a bucket of water to the face or bickering the other had started showing up with a sweet pastry and a staggeringly sugary iced coffee which he traded off for Xue Yang eating better at other mealtimes.

Overall it didn’t seem Xue Yang had a moment of time where the other wasn’t somewhere close, controlling everything, keeping a watchful eye out.

And it bothered Xue Yang; he didn’t get used to the feeling of Xiao Xingchen being there like he’d been assured he would. He was still hyper aware of him, and he didn’t necessarily think it was because he was intimidated, despite the fact they’d had a few more altercations, none of which ended well for Xue Yang.

***

He tried to ditch his new security for his monthly visit to the orphanage his charity had built and ran; the less people who knew about it the better. Of course he couldn’t shake the other off so he had to attend followed by Xiao Xingchen, and explain to the children who the tall ge was. He was a great hit with them, and although Xue Yang pretended to be annoyed at Xiao Xingchen getting all the attention that the youngsters usually showered on him secretly he was entertained as he watched the other romp with the rough kids, or play softly with the quieter ones.

“This is the first time you’ve brought a bodyguard” he turned slightly at the sound of Tian Ying, the matron of the orphanage and the woman who’d helped bring him up in a similar institution when he had been a boy had come up beside him. “Are you in danger, xiao-Xue?”

“Of course not” he didn’t consider the crazy mail Jin Guangyao was filtering from him any more of a threat than any of the other mail he’d received in the last few years, and he definitely didn’t want her to worry about him, “They just decided I needed someone to carry my bags for me”

He didn’t have time to say much more as he was dragged into an impromptu game of football in the yard, where he and Xiao Xingchen were on opposite teams.

They played around half-heartedly until a Xiao Xingchen who was grace incarnate except apparently on a football pitch, stuck his foot out and took Xue Yang’s feet from under him and he tumbled. The fall itself wasn’t bad but he was a little grazed as they played on the yard and not grass.

Xiao Xingchen was unusually all apologies and personally saw to tending the grazes Xue Yang’s tumble had caused, despite his assurances he was absolutely fine. The touch of the other still made his pulse flutter in some odd emotion and the way Xiao Xingchen kept glancing up at him, like he’d discovered a rare and new species, was disconcerting. And pissed him off, because he could guess what it was about.

“Just don’t” he said through his teeth so no one around them could hear.

“Don’t what? Congratulate you on what you’ve built here? On what you’re doing for these kids?”

“Yes, don’t. I don’t want to hear it” he sucked a breath in at the sting of the antiseptic where Xiao Xingchen applied it to his grazes.

“Alright, whatever you want” Xiao Xingchen let it drop but he still looked at Xue Yang with something approaching admiration in his eyes.

And it was addictive, to have someone look at him like that, and not like he was trash. But then it had never bothered him before. Was it purely because it was Xiao Xingchen and he wanted to be more than trash in that man’s eyes?

“I guess you read too many gossip rags” Xue Yang sniped, “I’m not on drugs, in any weird cults, or a complete slut either”

Instead of bullshitting him and denying he’d thought anything of the kind Xiao Xingchen agreed instead, “I’m beginning to see that. Of course that doesn’t mean you don’t have a vile temper, that you don’t ever learn your lessons, or that you don’t sulk like a baby when I tell you no”

He was about to make one of his usual responses when the game of football moved closer and he clamped his lips closed on the curse.

There was a knowing, teasing look in the other’s eyes and as Xue Yang looked down into that finely-boned face he realised why the other’s good opinion had meant so much to him; why he was on tenterhooks whenever Xiao Xingchen was near, which was all the time at the moment, and why his pulse fluttered like his veins were full of butterflies whenever the other touched him. He was in love with Xiao Xingchen.

Well fuck.

***

Xue Yang paced around his hotel bedroom, feeling like a caged tiger. He wanted to destroy something. No, he really wanted a stiff drink.

Was he a masochist? What had made him fall in love with a man who knocked him around for fun? No of course that was unfair, Xiao Xingchen only ever restrained him and only when Xue Yang attacked first. Still, it must definitely be masochism.

Or Stockholm Syndrome; he had been at the mercy of the other, a virtual prisoner, for weeks now.

“I need a drink” he exclaimed aloud; and so he formulated a plan.

He took a quick shower and changed into something black and sexy and flashy, then he he called reception and asked for a taxi cab, and that they ring up to let him know when it had arrived.

He waited by his bedroom door, peeping through the tiniest opening for the phone to ring back; and as Xiao Xingchen got up from the couch to answer it he dashed out and past as silently as possible to give himself as much of a head-start as he could manage.

The doors of the elevator were closing just as he saw Xiao Xingchen enter the hallway and yell at him in rage.

He was in the taxi and away; his freedom all the sweeter for being carefully wrought.

***

Xue Yang was beginning to feel pleasantly buzzed and he was chatting quite happily with the guy who stood next to him at the bar of the VIP lounge. He’d been greeted by the usual crowd who hadn’t seen him around for the weeks he’d been kept prisoner, (OK maybe that was a little dramatic), but he’d never seen this guy before and new people were interesting.

Although he was beginning to get uncomfortable at how the other stared at him intently after he’d finished his drink.

He excused himself to “visit the bathroom” when life finally caught up with him. Life of course being Xiao Xingchen.

He pushed Xue Yang up against the wall of the corridor to the bathrooms, which was surprisingly currently empty.

“Hey” Xue Yang protested, although with alcohol relaxing his muscles it hadn’t really hurt as he hadn’t tensed for impact. Actually being pinned against the wall by the man you’d fallen in love with was quite nice. He had zero experience, bar some awkward kisses with a girl who’d known as little as him when he was younger, but apparently being manhandled was beginning to be something he enjoyed. Maybe because it was Xiao Xingchen though.

“I’d advise you to keep really quiet, I’m this close to spanking the living hell out of you” and really he’d never seen Xiao Xingchen’s deceptively delicate face so twisted in anger.

But of course alcohol impaired one’s judgement; to dangerous levels sometimes.

“Is that what you like?” he asked.

“What?” Xiao Xingchen was confused, his hand tightened on Xue Yang’s collar as if he suspected the other was planning something.

“Spanking, do you get off on it?”

“You really have no fucking self-preservation instincts do you?” Xiao Xingchen demanded and if Xue Yang hadn’t been so muddled due to the reaction of his body to the other, and the alcohol humming through his bloodstream he might have realised how much trouble he was in; he had never heard the other curse before in all their weeks together.

Instead he gave in to the urge pounding at the base of his brain, unable to control it anymore. He threw his arms around Xiao Xingchen’s neck and kissed him.

Well, it was clumsy and unskilled, but it probably still counted as a kiss.

He was pushed back against the wall unceremoniously, “What do you think you’re doing? You are my client. You are drunk. You are so out of line right now”

Of course he hadn’t really expected a different response. He somehow managed to pull himself free and stumbled back out into the VIP lounge.

Actually he seemed to be more drunk than he’d realised. He was suddenly barely able to control his body and he felt like his head was full of cotton wool. A hand touched his back, “Oh, you look terrible. Do you need to lie down? Should we get you out of here?” he was vaguely aware the voice wasn’t Xiao Xingchen’s, it belonged to the guy he’d been talking to at the bar, as he was guided towards the door but he really did need to lie down right now. He was about to nod his agreement when the supporting hand was violently removed.

“What the fuck did you give him?” that was Xiao Xingchen, although he couldn’t work out what the question meant. He felt the iron-grip of his security’s hand and he was pulled close to the other; he recognised the familiar scent of his aftershave and it set his mind at rest.

***

It had been days since the nightclub incident; and he’d managed to act completely clueless about the entire evening. In honesty there were huge swathes of Xue Yang’s memory that were completely blank, but he was cursed with vague recollection of him kissing Xiao Xingchen.

He wanted to die from embarrassment. He wanted to mope around at the rejection. He had to pretend like he was completely clueless about everything that happened though and let the other just write it off as a side effect of the Flunitrazepam the random guy at the nightclub had put in his drink.

He had been in touch with Jin Guangyao and begged the other to find him new security. He couldn’t carry on being around Xiao Xingchen all the time, feeling like he did, and scared to death he’d do something stupid to reveal his feelings in a way that couldn’t be pretended away like that stupid kiss.

He had faithfully promised he’d keep up the good behaviour Xiao Xingchen had bullied into him so long as Jin Guangyao replaced him with someone who wouldn’t cause Xue Yang such pain to have close.

His manager had promised to at least look into it.

Xue Yang didn’t realise he’d been wool-gathering in his head and managed to separate slightly from Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing until he saw a face in the crowd that made him uncomfortable.

He didn’t recognise the man but the fear that skittered down his spine was very real; he turned to try and get closer to Xiao Xingchen who called his name and dashed over; the flash he caught from the corner of his eye had him raising his arm in self-protection. He was dragged out of the way and thrown to the floor, catching nothing but a glancing blow as Xiao Xingchen took out the threat.

It was all very chaotic after that as the crowd helped keep the attacker captive until the police could arrive, and ambulance was also called as both he and Xiao Xingchen had taken knife wounds.

His was a cut to the arm that didn’t particularly bother him, it was the wound on Xiao Xingchen’s side that scared the life out of him. He used his folded jacket to keep pressure on the injury.

A-Qing fluttered around trying to get him to let someone else take over so they could do the same for his arm but he just waved her off; it was nothing.

“You really have no fucking self-preservation instincts” Xiao Xingchen told him in annoyance; luckily he seemed fully conscious at the moment.

“I know. I‘m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll be better from now on” he felt close to tears but fought them back brutally.

Xiao Xingchen nodded at what he said and looked into his eyes, “At least you’ll get your new bodyguard now, silver linings right?” he reached out with his left hand to thumb away one of the tears that Xue Yang hadn’t realised had escaped.

Fucking Jin Guangyao and his stupid big mouth.

“It’s for the best, xiao-Xue, in light of everything”

Which meant Xiao Xingchen was aware of his feelings and agreed the best way to deal with it was to move on. Well there went his dignity.

“You’re too precious for this cruel world in the limelight, anyway” Xue Yang tried to mock, his voice a little strangled.

“Which of us do you mean?” Xiao Xingchen asked and it was both an arrow to his heart and salve to his ego to hear such an opinion from the other.

He was glad when the paramedics had arrived and he was shuffled away to have his own wound dealt with so he could save some face. If the paramedic thought the tears were a reaction to the pain or shock of being attacked then good.

They were taken to a nearby hospital to be treated. Xue Yang’s cut needed a few stitches so he was ready to be sent away reasonably quickly, but he stayed in the waiting room until A-Qing came back to report Xiao Xingchen was fine, he’d be kept in for a few days as his would was deeper and nastier but he was stable and in no danger.

“Aren’t you going to visit before we go?” she asked, but he shook his head. And honestly she was smart enough that she probably knew what was going on and why he didn’t want to impose on the other. “Alright, lets get you back to the hotel. I think Jin Guangyao will be waiting, unfortunately, I can’t do anything to put him off this time”

Xue Yang sighed and accepted his fate.

One Month Later

The stage lights faded for the last time and he was finally able to slip offstage. He was lathered with sweat and completely exhausted. Xue Yang’s knife wound hadn’t been particularly deep or damaging but it was surprising how much it had knocked him down. He still tired out so much more easily than he was used to, but he hadn’t wanted to put this concert off, preferring to get it out of the way so he could take a holiday for a couple of weeks and use it to think about the next steps in his career, and indeed life, with nothing hanging over his head.

The man who had attacked them had been the same who had drugged his drink in the nightclub, although due to the effects Xue Yang couldn’t identify him; it had been lucky his subconscious had reacted to the man though, or it could have been so much worse.

He accepted the towel A-Qing held out for him as he met his entourage in the back stage passages and dried off, pulling on the coat she had also brought him.

There was an oddly smug look on her face and he questioned her.

“Nothing, just something funny is all” she refused to be drawn on what caused her to smile so.

They made it back to the dressing rooms and he was bundled inside.

He wondered, uncharitably, if she was on drugs.

“No rush, your car won’t be here for quite some time yet” A-Qing told him as she shut the door behind him and he turned to find his street clothes. Except he wasn’t alone.

Oh.

Suddenly he daren’t move from the doorway, not sure whether to tear it open and flee or move into the room and act like he wasn’t bothered in the slightest.

In the end he compromised, did nothing and stayed exactly where he was.

“Why are you here?” he tried to keep his voice steady, and luckily it didn’t shake too much.

“Why do you think?” Xiao Xingchen asked him.

[one-of-us-must-be-crazy]

6?

things you said under the stars and in the grass

What up, this got super dark! I recently found out that the little bitch of a mental problem I have stems from ~trauma~ according to science, and becuase Ripley clearly hasn’t suffered enough, I played around with some of the symptoms of this ~absolute bullshit~ illness. Anyhow, vague references to ideation and intrusive thoughts of s*lf harm, so…read with care? Don’t worry too much, I know ya’ll come here for the cute shit and there’s plenty of that too.

“We don’t have to go home,” Ripley says, angry at herself for using the word ‘home’ instead of Luna and implying her preference of locale. Angry, too, that she grew roots, angry that she was satisfied when she only ever had been a drifter, leaving the second that things felt safe and warm, preferring the honesty of the cold detachment to past jobs, neighbors, and various places. 

“You’re very strange, you know.” It’s a kind way to phrase ‘absolute headcase’ and she knows well that he wouldn’t ever call her that, or think it, but she knows too that it’s true. A plethora of complexes and traumas and fears that make her once short fuse a non-existent one. 

Anymore she’s a pile of gunpowder in a world of small fires, and just two days ago she dropped the (plastic) sugar jar over coffee and began screaming, shaking in anger and rage that felt like it materialized out of thin air, so much awfulness coming out that she didn’t think she could stop, knowing it was absurd, knowing she was having a temper-tantrum like a child, but if she stopped screaming a string of profanities aimed at the jar, at herself, at the whole fucking satellite, she thought for sure she’d implode, guts boiling over. 

They had already chosen the dates for a camping trip, a first trip to Terra (dumb as hell, she knew that too, to take him to the middle of fucking nowhere instead of some city, some cultural center where he could see humanity and maybe learn something, feel something. Maybe she was afraid his intelligence and curiosity would take away his focus from her, unlike here where he’d be forced even closer to her, and sure she’s the first to deny that he’s a PA program, but really what was she using him for? 

Ripley loved this wonderful person, yes, but there was always that nasty cloud in the back of her head that reminded her she loved the way Chris treated her, and loved the attention and dedication, and maybe that was why this person so far removed from anything she’d ever wanted before appealed to her so much.

“Why do you say that?” she says, the racing thoughts making her words faster to make up for the time between what he said and when she answered, anxious that it was too long, knowing logically it was just a moment.

“Becuase you’re still under a great deal of mental duress, and you choose to sleep in a tent that provides only minimal shelter, and spend your time with me, still, after over a year of being back in human company. Becuase you’re offering a computer with legs the choice of where you spend your future.” 

She considers his words, spoken with an admiration close to hero-worship, a distant form of love she has to keep pulling him back from, she’s only a human, and a very poor one at that. This hatred of nothing, maybe of herself, definitely of herself, possibly of other things, but this raging blind hatred that forms a drastic black cloud over so many slight inconveniences, that turned her world into stark extremes (he’s late, clearly he’s not coming home, go fuck yourself, it’s your fault, you should just–), perhaps she’s always had it.

You have to have something foul in your shriveled heart to have murdered again and again without immediate feeling (but I didn’t, I hurt so horribly with fear and grief each time I thought I would fall over), without remorse (every day, every fucking day, I feel it). 

A machine programmed to be dedicated to its owner is the only thing that ever stayed around you. 

The last thing that she wants is to be touched right now, but oblivious to what she’s containing in her head, aware that whatever is going on in his mind is likely of an unpleasant nature too, she doesn’t fight off when he reaches out and takes her hand in his, a little tighter than what would be considered comfortable. 

“Hard to think of it, isn’t it?” he breaks her silence again, and she doesn’t care, doesn’t give a fuck what he’s doing with this bullshit small talk, can’t they–

“What?”

“Luna. The moon. Seen from down here as humans only ever saw it, and to think there’s a city there now, sprawling, an expansive training base….our home. All contained in that silver glow.”

“Pearl.”

“Pardon?”

“Every fucking poet and shit alway wanted to call the moon silver, and it’s not, it’s fucking pearl, it’s one lonely sad little orb on the horizon and–”

“Amanda?” He sits up onto his elbows, and Amanda forces her eyes shut against the burn of angry tears.

“Fuck. Sorry. It’s not silver.”

“No,” he says softly, lying back down, “I suppose it isn’t.”

“If you like it better here, we don’t have to go back.” She says it out of duty, out of consideration, because this kind and patient man deserves the world and he’s trapped himself with her, and they’re out here looking at stars like they’re young and ignorant that there are monsters out there, and every moving speck of light could be carrying them like a fucking plague ship full of ghosts, corpses, and demons. Later he’ll surprise her with something else, like the wine he had brought last night, or the popcorn he taught himself to make over a fire their first night, and then he’ll climb into the two sleeping bags they had zipped together, hold her like she’s something special and–

“Would you like to go home?” he asks her, ignoring her previous question.

“Why the hell would we cut this trip short?”

“You haven’t been….You aren’t yourself this week, maybe resting in your own bed could be better for you?”

Whatever God that could be that could ever give a shit about her worthless soul still help her, she almost told Samuels to fuck himself.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not,”

“I feel like this all the time, it’s always there, even if it’s not loud it’s just…fucking there like some annoying white noise and yes, I’m myself right now, becuase this is what I am. A fucked up asshole.”

“I’m not going to debate with you on that, or argue about how you feel. I’ll never know, I never could know. I haven’t seen what you have or done what you’ve had to do without choice, or lived the life you have, but I’ve seen you smile and laugh, and I’ve seen you light up with joy like stars,” she’s still looking at the sky, afraid to look at him, so angry and so scared at once that it feels like something is eating at her heart and for a terrified second she puts her hand over her chest to feel if something’s about to claw out of it.

She glimpses to the side; he’s still focused on the sky too.

“Amy,” he inches closer to her, and it makes her feel like a cornered animal.

“What?”

“If I told you that you were coming down with the flu, would you allow me to take care of you, assist you in caring for yourself, or take you for professional human medical attention?”

“Not this analogy again,”

“You’re broken, that doesn’t mean you can’t be helped, or mended entirely.”

The bubble of anger is about to burst, and she came close to hitting him once in the past, lashing out becuase he was unlucky enough to be there and ask her to stop screaming.

“I don’t want to talk about it, I really don’t,” she was suddenly all too hot, and sat up enough to take off her sweater, dressed down to her sports bra and shorts. 

“You’ll freeze,”

“You’re warm enough,” she said, the closest thing to affection she could state right now, and when she didn’t flinch at his further motions to approach, he wriggled up against her, moving his arm so she could rest her head on his shoulder–harder than the autumn ground, but at least warmer than it was.

“You’re a good person, love. I’ve met so many bad ones, I would know,” he said, and kissed the top of her head softly.

[invertedeidolon]

The Longest Library #1: And on the Eighth Day She Rested by J.D Mason (Or, Eidolon talks too  much about their shitty childhood and relationships)

( Until I find a format for these, I’ll just be rambling about the interesting bits I have flagged in the book. There WILL be spoilers. ) 

Rundown: A perfectly capable story about one woman’s recovery from a 14 year abusive marriage, ‘And On The Eight Day She Rested’ is a quick but immersive read. I give it a 4/5, only because I don’t agree with the heroine’s final decision. If you ignore that, it would have been a 4.5/5. This is because I am a bitter bastard.

Because it’s a story mainly about abuse and recovery, of COURSE I’m going to relate to it. What I wasn’t expecting, was just how well the author depicted the feelings and thoughts involved. The narrative voice is entirely inside the main character’s head, from her perspective, and nobody else’s.

Right off the bat, she talks about how her husband has disappeared again. How this time, instead of being jealous or insecure, she savored her time by herself, even ‘back[ing] away from feelings of inadequacy’. My first relationship involved a lot of ghosting. This is something I desperately wanted to do, to ACTUALLY enjoy time by myself, instead of worrying up and down about how HE’S doing, what HE’S feeling, whether it was my fault he wasn’t talking to me or if I was good enough for him.

“It’s a piece of time that doesn’t warrant any more attention than it’s been given.”

The main character refuses to press charges or do anything at first. All she wants to do is to make that entire part of her life disappear, like it never happened (but of course, after things like that, it’ll never be ‘like it never happened’). I don’t talk a lot about my mom (my abuser) in the present tense. I don’t get very angry thinking about her either. Because she doesn't warrant any more of my time or energy, and if I had it my way, she would just quietly disappear forever.

“But the words linger, piling up inside me like garbage, and when he’s not around to pile on some more, I can usually regurgitate them to remind myself of who I really am.”

I still deal with this, to this day. The things my mother said to me and my sister often return like some kind of horrible specter. I can usually tell when it’s me, or if it’s ‘mom’ talking based on how extreme and unwarranted my language gets toward myself.

“Didn’t I ever dream of being...doing something besides worrying about Eric, pleasing Eric, ducking from Eric, crying over Eric, or crying because of Eric?[...] All these years have I been completely driven by this man to the point that I don’t have the fuel or desire to drive my damn self?”

Yes, actually. Being trapped in the house with your abuser, often makes it so that they’re the focus. Avoiding them, pleasing them, often meant the difference between survival and... not. The main character married him when she was eighteen, and kind of had to grow up with him, depend on him. It gets like that when you’re dependent on somebody. For a long time after getting out of my parent’s place, I would just sleep. I wasn’t needed, so I slept, or laid there. I didn’t know if I was allowed to eat, so I didn’t. Abusers like that often control nearly every aspect of your life, and left to your own devices after they’re gone... you don’t have anything, like a sim with the free will turned off. There’s no self-direction, not even driven by your desires, because your desires didn’t matter, and were punished out of you.

“Even when he was gone, the anticipation of him was enough to keep me in hell and I couldn’t enjoy being alone. [...] My mind was constantly filled with the challenge of keeping everything perfect and not giving him a reason to fuss.”

This is something I still do, although now it’s just a reflex turned into an act of love, as opposed to a survival instinct. I make the surroundings comfortable for my loved ones and myself, because I love them, and I’m aware of how much of a difference the smaller comforts can make, not because I’m afraid of a ragemonster thundering through the house if one little thing is off. I do still get nervous if people are moving too much or making too much noise sometimes (it was like blood in the ocean, make too much noise and here comes the shark, ready to shut it down and punish you for daring to assert that you were in any way alive and not serving her that very moment). Although there are sometimes when my body remembers, but I don’t. I’ll accidentally forget my partner’s tea on the counter and burst into tears out of overwhelming guilt, and then feel ashamed because my emotions are so overblown (but the emotions are from when I would forget something of my mother’s and would be in the midst of fearing punishment). It’s hard sometimes.

There are these poems/prose that happen only twice in the book. I don’t really understand what purpose they serve or why they’re there. Maybe it’s a staple of romance novels, like a writing tick or something?

“I haven’t been able to get the encounter with Eric off my mind. It’s not running into him that’s bothering me. It’s my reaction to him.[...] He’s been out of my life so long, but today I felt that familiar intimidation I used to feel from him and I don’t like it because I thought I’d convinced myself that I was over it.”

I feel this. I feel this hard. I hate just how much power those memories hold over me. I get into a situation that’s similar enough, and I break down and regress back into a kid, following the same set of insane rules. It scares my partners sometimes, that I could be terrified and obviously hurting, but still deflecting any questions about me, and being extra attentive to them and only them. Because that was how you did it. You showed fear, you were punished. You made anything about you, you were punished. And god forbid I ‘break a rule’ in that state, because I devolve into a terrified mess, because the rest of my nervous system expects a punishment for it. Sometimes the freeze response is so bad that my body shuts down. It was enough pain in the past that my body felt like there was a threat on it’s life, and prepared me for it accordingly, slowing everything down, making it harder to move (It’ll hurt less when the lion eats you if your muscles aren’t tensed), flooding my brain with opiates to make things numb and foggy and distant. It was enough to make my body think I was going to die. Of course it doesn’t just go away. The body wants to live. It WILL remember, no matter how ashamed you are of it. And by god am I ashamed.

“I refused to give that bullshit any more attention than it’s been given”

For me, it’s who my mother was as a person. I spent a really long goddamn time fighting not to blame myself. I refuse to recognize her as anything but empty and monstrous. I get angry when people attempt to assign any kind of humanity or careful, conscious thought to her. She has neither. She is a creature, driven by instinct. I don’t care that she made me, she’s never made anything good in her life. I refuse to give her credit for me. I made me. Not her. She didn’t raise me, and she sure as hell isn’t raising her other daughter, I AM.

“I waited all day, but he never called. So the next day, I call him, several times, but he doesn’t return any of my messages.” - “Lately, my nerves are on edge and there’s an uneasiness flowing through my veins. I’ve been trying to ignore these feelings, but it’s hard to do. I sense a shift occurring in my little universe.[...] He won’t talk to me except to say he’s tired, or busy, promising we’ll talk later, but later never seems to come. Most of the time I sit here waiting for the phone to ring, hoping it’s him and hoping things will be back to normal again. When that doesn’t happen, I go to bed trying not to be depressed about us breaking up and trying not to make plans for my life without him in it.”

So back to ghosting dude. The fear of pulling away only got stronger the more he did it. I‘d dread when I didn’t get replies, because then I would think ‘Is he doing it again? Will I have to wait another three months?’. And before you go “But Eidolon! What a shithead! Why didn’t you leave him be?”, this was happening while I was still living with my mother. He was the only source of nice things and what felt like genuine attention I’d ever had. A starving dog would rather take bread from someone who feeds them once a week than to take bread from someone who beats them. Insert that study about the rats and the lever and how the lever that inconsistently gave rewards was more attractive/addictive than the one that was consistent. Anyway, this part of the book filled me with a tension, a dread I didn’t expect to feel. The new boyfriend, The One, the First Healthy Relationship is obviously going downhill, and nothing is being said about it because ‘what if I ruin it’. The first quote made the pit of my stomach open up, and the second set made me question whether someone was spying on me 6ish years ago. 5/5 on a realness scale. Fuck me up, J.D.

“I can’t lose this man. Whatever is bothering him, whatever problems he has I want to be there for him. I want to be his woman and help him work through them. No matter how difficult, or how impossible things might appear to him, I can and will do anything for Adrian Carter. He has to know this.”

Whoof boy. The determination and blind hope that it IS something that I can deal with, that it isn’t anything huge or life altering, that we can get through this. In the end, the same thing happened in the book that happened to me. He didn’t WANT help, he’d already made up his mind without me (despite previous assurances that SOME kind of communication would happen). I like my current relationship. Everybody actually fucking TALKS, and they TRY, instead of crumpling and giving up like that.

So I’m not quoting this part of the book, otherwise I’d be writing out almost an entire chapter, but what’s basically going on is that the ex husband showed his crusty face and doesn’t get to complete his threat because more people came about to witness him. Anybody who’s been there knows he’ll be back to finish it later. So now Main Character and the new boyfriend sit down, and both say “I have something I need to tell you.” Of course she lets him go first, because she’s desperate to find out what’s going on, fix it, and repair the relationship. But the thing he needs to say is essentially the end of their relationship. So of course she says nothing. This was a little frustrating for me, but I do remember being in a position like that. You don’t ask for anything from someone who’s just hurt you. You’re given the innate knowledge through years and years of experience that the person who just hurt you (no matter the pain) will NOT help you, and might even hurt you more. I get it. I understand. The frustration I feel is the frustration of my loved ones when my feelings don’t line up with reality. The boyfriend is a good man, and probably would have assured MC’s safety before completely leaving. But she feels she has to keep it tucked away. Another unspoken thing is, what if he thinks it’s just a call for attention, a ploy to get him to stay a little longer? What an awful thought. Better not say anything.

“There are other ways, Adrian. Lots of other options, and together, we can come up with some, but we can’t if you walk away from me like this. Don’t walk away from us. Adrian. Please.”

God, did I beg. I did a lot of begging. Maybe not to him, because what if he thought I was pathetic and actually left because of that? But this was said, slower, and with a lot more words, calmer, with a lot less desperation. I was so used to being The Calm One, The Adult, that I thought I just had to navigate through it. Nope. He just crumpled and gave up and refused to do anything except verbally lash himself, and at the very end, I wasn’t going to come to his rescue yet again.

“I’ve got to go, Ruth. I’ll try and call back when I get a chance.” Adrian hangs up, without even saying goodbye. It’s after midnight and Eric’s car is still parked outside.”

This part gave me such dread. Both things were so, so close together. But safety was floating away while danger just crept closer and closer. It was like that nightmare I had about a different boyfriend’s texts getting farther and farther apart, eventually not answering, right before mom entered the dream and did horrible things. *shudder* What a vile and despairing feeling. What a writer.

“Time has a way of dulling the pain and helping me to get over him. I’ve needed big doses of time.[...] Am I supposed to be here waiting for him just in case? That’s no fair. He moved on with his life, and despite all the drama, I’ve moved on with mine.”

So in this part, it’s a bit later and the boyfriend is back, and people are asking the main character to talk to him. She actually does better than I did in this regard, because she just downright refuses to give him the time of day beyond civility. I however kept letting this fucker back in and out like a revolving door (but the boyfriends in question aren’t really comparable, the reasons for leaving are WAY different.)

“I’m afraid to turn around. Afraid I still love him now as much as I did then. I don’t want to see Adrian. I don’t want to hear what he has to say. I’ve worked too hard all these months to turn back. I can’t afford to do that to myself. I owe me more than that. I don’t owe him a damn thing.”

That horrible mix of hope and the need to stand your ground. My own reasons were far less involved in the realm of self-advocacy, I was just bitter and hurt and didn’t want to feel that weak ever again, but by god did I desperately want things to go back to ‘normal’, for things to be better, to have a relationship that I thought we could have if we’d just worked a little harder, did a little more, waiting long enough that we could meet more in person.

And now, for the extra spoilery bit because it’s literally the end of the book:

“Of course I’ll marry you,” I say with tears in my eyes.”

Fucking *EYEROLL*

I get it. I really do. I get that it’s kind of a romance story, I get that she’s doing this entirely for herself and is a part of her self development, but COME ON.

I wanted her to make the opposite decision. I wanted her to be stronger than I was. I wanted her to make him WORK for it, and STILL deny him, because goddamnit he left her, and left her in a dangerous place, (like my own did).

She even goes as far as moving into the goddamn mountains in colorado, in a cabin. That’s my fucking DREAM. To just, physically shun everything that’s ever hurt me, and to be by myself. Even now that I’m in a much better place with much healthier relationships, this is still something I want to do (but with more people involved now).

The shit that Adrian carter says is only slightly less weak than the shit that Eric says. “[I’m here] To fix what’s broken for both of us” “I’m human, baby. I made a choice and it didn’t work out” “I learned a valuable lesson” “It was hard, but I learned that a man needs to go with his gut instinct”

Just fuck off, Adrian Carter. Quit talking about yourself. He just fucking smiles and slithers his way right back in and UGH. And the thought that it would actually WORK between them afterwards just makes me bitter as fuck. Or rather, it makes me feel the bitterness that I already had in me.

Despite the recovery process being so abbreviated, the beats were so similar to my own that I began to look for a catharsis that wasn’t there. Because this story belongs to the writer, and not to me.

Now, fanfiction definitely belongs to me, however. I can certainly write a story about Ruth turning him away to the cold, and further building her own sense of self and maybe making friends with another hermit and discovering more about how she’s running away from her problems and yadda yadda, and THEN reintroduce the boyfriend, who’s actually trying harder this time.

But again, this story belongs to the writer, and not to me.

----------

Thanks for reading this clusterfuck, eventually I’ll get better at this.

Only 296 books to go!

[mydisenchantedeulogy]

Invincible [Chapter Fourteen] In Horseshoes and Hand Grenades [Katsuki Bakugou]

Focus on the stream. Here it flow gently down the riverbed; slow and soothing. I tell myself these words, hoping to find some peace in them. The water on the far end of the field seems so distant with the noise around me, hissing like static in my ears. I certainly can’t meditate with it bothering me like this. Explosions shake the earth until I can no longer ignore them.

I squeeze one eye open and find the blond responsible for the high-pitched racket. He’s near the tree line, shooting off his quirk in measured successions. This is only my second morning training with him, and already he’s interrupting mine. He’s been pushing himself to withstand more of his quirk’s restrictions since we started, but even he needs the rest. Maybe then I can clear my mind in silence.

“Hey, rocket man. Take a break and come meditate with me,” I shout at him.

The blond turns and flips me off, but I continue to call for him until he decides to listen, running over to me with a scowl on his face. I pat the spot behind me, and he sits with a grunt.

“Sit with me a minute, then you can go back to whatever it was you were doing. A small break won’t hurt you,” I say while leaning my head back onto his arm.

I can hear the rapid sound of his breathing, and use it to focus on. Katsuki remains silent, but I don’t mind. The weather is absolutely perfect; the right amount of sun and a gentle breeze nearly put me to sleep. I moan in happiness, but my peaceful morning doesn’t last.

Katsuki wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in my hair. “Fight with me,” he orders. I know better than to believe that he means it as a harmless spar.

I hum in annoyance, opening my eyes. The sun makes me groan in discomfort, so I sit up and move away from Katsuki. A frown pulls at the corner of my lips as I notice that he’s serious.

“I can’t beat you in a fight,” I admit.

Katsuki agrees with me. “No, but I won’t be satisfied until I get to train with at least one live opponent. Sucks that it has to be you, because I’m not going to take it easy on you.”

I am still unsure about this. Katsuki is a tough adversary. He’s not going to be easy to beat, and even if I do manage to punch him, the blond is going to hit me back just as hard. I shake my head in disagreement, but I doubt he’ll listen.

“Why do you have to be so damn stubborn? I’ll make a deal with you. If you can beat me, I’ll give you that damn kiss you asked about yesterday; the tongue kiss. Will that satisfy you?”

I continue to disagree. “That’s asking too much of me. I want to kiss you that way, but I can’t beat you.”

“I’ll determine what qualifies as passing,” he offers.

It’s a generous offer; a one of a kind offer. But, I also feel like Katsuki might give me the kiss even if I don’t fight him. I’m not dumb; I know he’s trying to bribe me. This might not be so bad, but I’m going to propose an offer of my own to increase my chances.

“I’ll agree to indulge you if you promise not to use your quirk on me,” I say with a timid smile.

Katsuki doesn’t agree with me like I had expected, but he does stand and motion for me to follow him. I do so, allowing him to lead me across the open expanse of the field. We stop about 5 meters from the stream and put some distance between one another. I stand and stare awkwardly as Katsuki begins to stretch, working his arms and shoulders around in small circles. I have no way of knowing how this fight will turn out, or how I will beat him; Katsuki is both stronger and bigger than me. He won’t pull his punches, so I just need to avoid them, if at all possible.

I clutch my hands into a fist and raise them in front of my face. This should keep him from striking me in the head, and if I get the chance to throw a punch, I can do so without altering my stance much. I’m ready for this, but the blond only stares at me and waits. I wonder if he’s looking for a weakness. I do my best to keep calm and not give him one.

“Last years sports festival – I know you watched it. Did you study the competitors? I followed each of their quirks; weaknesses and strengths. One thing stood out to me, something I know will break you. Do you know what it was?”

I drop my guard only a little. Something that will break me. I noticed nothing out of the ordinary; the competitors all looked the same, but their quirks were amazing. The top 5 blew away the competition, and each of them had began in a high rank class. Other than this, I have no idea. My eyes widen; it’s a distraction.

Katsuki closes the gap between us, throwing his right fist at me. I yelp in surprise and manage to dodge it before he strikes me in the head. However, his right hand catches my arm and pulls me forward. I lose my balance for a second and fall against his chest. He uses this as a chance to slam his forehead into mine, inciting a cry of pain from me. It hurts to bad, like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I pull my arm from his hold, and push away from him.

Tears pour from my eyes and float in front of me. I’m so angry that my quirk is hard to control. “The hell did you do that for?”

He ignores me and throws another right-handed punch. I once again dodge it and put distance between us. He won’t catch me again. I won’t allow him to tear me apart, piece by piece.

“Answer the damn question,” Katsuki hisses at me. He doesn’t seem to be angry, but his eyebrows are drawn together in a permanent scowl.

I don’t know what he wants me to say. My thoughts are jumbled, trying to answer his question and think of a way to beat him. If he’s doing this to get the upper hand, it’s not fair. I bite into my lip, and growl in annoyance. This game won’t end with him defeating me.

Katsuki runs the distance between us once again. However, he doesn’t throw a punch this time. His left knee makes contact with my side, knocking me to the ground. I didn’t expect this. My breath leaves me as I sputter and cough.

“The answer is fairness. Each of the contestants have to leave their gear behind and compete as equals. For someone who relies on sources to activate their quirk you’re at a major disadvantage,” Katsuki explains.

My heart hammers in my chest. He’s right; I can’t win. How do I expect to prove myself to the talent scouts if I can’t use my quirk? I feel so annoyed and defeated.

“Why help me then?” My voice sounds like a whisper, and I fear Katsuki may not hear me. He does, however.

“Get back on your feet,” he orders me. “All you’ve been doing since we started is dodge my attacks. You’re not trying to fight back, and that’s why I’m going to beat your ass.” The blonde moves to stand in front of me. He growls in annoyance before continuing. “Don’t think of this as a compliment, but you’re much faster and more agile than you appear. You have years of track and gymnastics under your belt, so instead of letting those skills go to waste, I suggest you pick your ass up and use them.”

Katsuki grabs my arm when I don’t listen, pulling me onto my feet despite my pleas for him to stop. He swings me around and locks his arm around my torso. His strong grip squeezes me. It’s hard to breath like this, but the blond doesn’t seem care.

“How are you going to get out of this?”

I struggle against him. “I-I don’t know. You’re too strong.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit,” he hisses in my ear. “I may be stronger than you, but with enough momentum you could easily knock me off balance. A hero never bails out on a fight, and they never give up.”

How am I suppose to do this? I don’t have enough room to move, and even if I did there’s no way I can do as exactly as he asks. It’s not fair; I don’t have a reason to believe in myself. How can I say this about myself? It’s not entirely true.

I do have a reason. He’s standing behind me, trying to guide me through this. I’ve had millions in my life supporting me; my parents, close friends, and coaches. My eyes widen as an idea comes to mind. I think this might be what Katsuki is trying to explain to me.

I lean my body forward just a bit, and use my arm to swing my elbow back. It connects with Katsuki’s head, causing him to loosen his grip. I wrap one arm around his neck and the other around his upper arm. This reminds me of practicing on the rings in gymnastics; it all depends on my upper body strength. I use Katsuki as a support and lift my lower body into the air, bending me at the waist where my knees are nearly touching my face. My legs kick out with enough force to pull me out of Katsuki’s grip, but with my arms wrapped around his neck and arm, the momentum sends him over my shoulder and onto the grassy earth in a heap. I fall onto my knees with a huff, and watch quietly as the blonde pulls himself into a sitting position.

He turns and looks at me with his eyes wide, holding his ear. My elbow must have struck it. “Are you fucking joking me? You went for the ear, and imbalanced me. Have you been jerking me around this entire time?”

I laugh at how stupid he sounds. It’s a lucky shot. However, I will remember the move next time. It works like a charm, but I doubt Katsuki will be dumb enough to let me do it again.

Katsuki stands to his feet, licking at his lips. His eyes are wild, almost like a fire is lit inside him. “You’re going to die for that.”

He makes an attempt to strike at me before I have time to get off the ground, but I manage to avoid it and grab his arm, unlike last time. I pull him forward with the force of his swing, and bring my body into a flip. My legs wrap around his neck as my lower back lands on the ground. He is send into another roll and lands on his back with my legs still around his neck. I keep his arm in a hold until I feel something hot burn my upper thigh; a small explosion sends my leg into a world of hurt.

I release the blond, and roll onto my side. “The hell was that for?”

He smirks and sits up, curling his fingers. Tiny explosions pop and sizzle from his palm, sending wisps of smoke into the air. I should have known he wouldn’t listen. This makes me so mad. My body tingles with an unknown feeling, but somehow I recognize it. I remember feeling this years ago; the fight in middle school.

My ears pick up the sound of water bubbling from the stream. It splashes wildly in the riverbed, calling me like the song of a siren. I jerk to my feet, despite the pain and chase after the tune. Katsuki pursues me; he’s so close. However, I make it in time to activate my quirk. My hands motion the liquid into a wave that crashes into Katsuki and knocks him back. It swirls around me in thick sporadic ribbons.

The blond stands, and rushes me again. His quirk propels him closer to me, but I shoot at him, using the water in the form of small bullets. It does no good, however. He dodges them until he’s close enough to swing at me. I do the only thing I can, and form a shield between us. Katsuki hits it full force, and the explosion knocks me back into the riverbed. I am too exhausted to fight back; I decide to give up.

“Please stop,” I beg. “I’ve had enough.”

My head leans against the muddy bank of the riverbed. The water is so cold. I follow the blond with my eyes as he splashes through the stream, making his way over to me. He grabs my arm and pulls me out, throwing me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I stare at the earth as he carries me back to our current location.

“You beat me,” I admit in a whisper.

Katsuki eases me off his shoulder and sits me on the ground. He tosses me a bottle of water, and takes the spot beside me. “You gave up, like a coward. Those tosses and holds were pretty damn useful, but you have a long way to go before I pass you. Next time, I’m going to drag you back onto your feet and give you a reason to complain.”

Next time, he says. He’s going to continue training me. My heart swells at this. I lean my head back onto the ground and sigh. A gentle smile pulls at the corner of my lips, even though I should feel upset with my loss.

“The hell are you smiling about? I swear you’re so fucking weird.”

I laugh at this. “I’m just happy is all. I almost had you until you cheated.”

“Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades,” the blond retorts with a glare. He pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance. “Even without my quirk I could have beat your ass into submission.”

“I’d certainly hope so,” I taunt with a wink.

Katsuki seems to pick up on the lewd meaning and kicks me with his foot. “Stop being a pervert, or you’re walking home on your own.”

I beg him not to do such a thing; I want him to carry me. He can be so mean to me sometimes. I wrap my arms around his leg and pout, but all he does is try to swat me off. Teasing him is so much fun. An idea pops into my head, making me bust out into a coy smile. I pull myself up from the grassy field, and move onto his lap while slipping my arms around his neck. He’s so warm; a satisfied moan leaves me.

“You got me wet, Katsuki.”

The blond shoots me a glare and tries to pry my arms off him. “The hell did I say about being a pervert? You need to stop reading those shitty fan service magazines. How the hell do you even buy those being a minor?”

His cheeks and ears are dusted in a light pink. I can’t help but to laugh even harder. What would I do without him? I’m very grateful for his help; back then and even now. We’re going to soar through this festival with one another’s help.

The remaining weeks before the chosen date we spend together, training ourselves. I forget all about my quirk for now and focus on strengthening my mind. By the time the sports festival comes around, I am ready to face it. I plan to make the most out of my life, and uphold the promises I had made to myself to stand beside Katsuki on his dream to becoming a hero.

I owe him this much anyway.

[madamslayyy]

Untitled Series XI

PART ONE - PART TWO - PART THREE - INFORMATIONAL DIRECTORY  - PART FOUR - PART FIVE - PART SIX - PART SEVEN - PART EIGHT - PART NINE - PART TEN

Pairing: Erik Killmonger x Reader

A/N: Yeah I know it’s been a min but I’m back on my bullshit so here we go!

~*~

The new semester started and things were back to normal. Well as normal as things could be.

You and Ty were as strong as before and nobody talked about what went down at his parents’ house.

Erik, of course, was back with the start of the new semester, this time single and back to his old Hoe™️ ways. You tried to pretend it didn’t phase you but it did. How could he claim to love you then get over you so quickly. Because you certainly weren’t over him.

You thought about him constantly, obsessing over his social media, watching the numerous videos and snaps of him being twerked on in the club, drinking bottle after bottle, having random girl after random girl perched on his lap. That was almost ninety percent of his social media presence, the other ten percent would show him in class, doing homework, or getting As on whatever assignment he posted.

‘At least he’s still going to class....’ you thought watching his snapstory. You were currently in Ty’s room, on his bed, while Ty was taking a shower. Even though your boyfriend was in the room right next to you, stark naked that is, he couldn’t be farther from your mind. The truth is, whenever Ty did enter your thoughts, you were overwhelmed with such guilt, you had no choice but to push him out of your mind.

No matter how you chose to twist the narrative, the fact remained the same: you’d cheated on him. You might not have slept with Erik but allowing him to get close enough to you to eat you out was still cheating. And you’d been keeping it from Ty for over a month now as it picked away at you. You had tried multiple times to tell him to no avail. At the end of the day, you were a coward.

“Y/N!” Ty said loudly, snapping you from your thoughts.

“Why are you yelling babe?” You asked, as he stood in front of you dripping wet in nothing but a towel.

“I called your name like five times, what’s going on in that head of yours?” He said leaning down to kiss you. You instinctively moved away without even thinking about it.

“Did I.... do something wrong?” Ty asked, his eyes searching yours.

“N-no, I’m just... not feeling it tonight, bae” you spluttered.

“Hmm.... you’ve been ‘not feeling it’ a lot lately. We okay?” Ty asked, sitting up.

“Peachy,” you smiled and with that he got up to get dressed. Even though the subject was dropped, the air was tense and awkward so you left shortly after, your heart sitting heavy in your chest.

~*~

It’d been about two weeks and you hadn’t seen neither Ty nor Erik. You knew you couldn’t avoid them forever but you were most certainly gonna try until you sorted out everything that was going on in your head.

Ty, of course, had no intention of letting that happen.

He called and texted you everyday just to make sure you were alright and when he could see you. You dodged him as much as you could but at the turn of the second week, he’d had enough.

It was almost 5 a.m. in the morning, about two hours before your first class when you heard someone pounding madly at your door. You had just woken up and was in the middle of brushing your teeth when you answered the door.

“Tyrell Beaudreux have you lost your mind!?” You said swinging the door open. He charged into the room, not waiting for an invitation.

“Tell me what I did wrong. What did I do to upset you so much that you’ve been avoiding me for the last couple of weeks? If you tell me, I can fix it Y/N but please baby stop leaving me in the dark,” Ty said, his big brown eyes pleading with you. You felt like you might have thrown up right then right there if your stomach wasn’t already empty since you’d just woke up.

“Hold on,” you said, walking back to your bathroom to finish brushing your teeth, a weak stalling tactic but at least it bought you a few extra seconds.

“Ty.... sit down...” you said entering the bedroom once more. He sat down but his face was contorted into a look of pure anguish. He knew whatever you were about to tell him, it wasn’t going to be good.

“Look Ty... I.... love you so muc-

“And I you, I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you. That’s why we’re in a relationship,” he said standing, cupping your face between his hands. He leaned down to kiss you but you turned your head, causing him to peck your cheek.

“Ty please just let me finish, this is already hard enough as it is. “ He let your face go but remained standing.

“Look, when we were in Montreal... me and Erik... after the kiss... we talked.... the next night that is... and one thing led to another and there was.... another kiss,” you saw Ty flinch but you had no choice but to keep going “and we messed around a bit and it was all just a huge mistake that I regret more than anything and I’m so sorry but it’s not fair to you or me to keep this a secret.” You finished in one single breath, your words rushed. Ty’s eyes were swimming with emotion: anger, hurt, betrayal, everything yet he said nothing.

“What do you mean by fooled around? Did you sleep with him?” Ty asked in a harsh tone you weren’t used to hearing him use ever, least of all with you.

“No! God no! We just made a mistake-

“A mistake, eh? No a mistake was him kissing you when he ‘thought you were Lisa’ which we all know is a right crock of bullshit. No, Y/N, you made a choice, ye. You chose to give yourself to another man when you were supposedly committed to me! So how far did he go, huh? Under your shirt? Between your legs? Is there a part of you he hasn’t seen?” Ty yelled, his face flushing red with anger. You were at a loss for words, your silence a clear admission of guilt.

“Wow,” Ty said, charging for the door.

“And to think I really saw myself with you, eh. Like in the long run, you know. Marriage, picket fence, kids, the whole yard, ye. A right imbecile I was,” Ty said, his Canadian accent coming out strong with his anger.

“I’m sorry Ty! But I still love y-“ you never got to finish that sentence because he slammed the door behind him, his footsteps receding down the hall.

You’d expected some form of Deja Vu to take over from the time Erik had stormed out on you, for you to crumple to the floor and cry yourself into a stupor. But all you felt was an odd numbness take over as you grabbed your clothes and headed to your bathroom to take a shower.

~*~

“Shit Erik! Yes Daddy just like that! Punish this pussy! Fuck me like the dirty slut I am! Kill my shit Papi! Tell me I’m your favorite little whore! Spa-

“Will you shut up?” Erik said, clamping his hand over the girl beneath him’s mouth. He couldn’t remember her name, all he remembered was they headed back to her place after the club, fucked, he fell asleep (like a goddamn idiot), and she woke up horny, begging for round three.

Truthfully, she wasn’t nearly as attractive to him sober as she was last night but he always seemed to focus better in class if he’d busted a nut before so he had no problem complying to her sexual demands.

But he knew this was the last time he’d ever see her. She was much too thin, missing the excessive padding Erik was absolutely obsessed with, and she was also too loud. She was moaning before he even put the tip in and he hated that shit, it felt so inauthentic.

So now he was simply trying to get off as soon as he could so he could get the hell out of there. He had a special memory bank of you stored for moments exactly like these. Thoughts of you that night you offered yourself to him after the club, asking to taste him, eat him, flooded his mind. The sound of your moans were also his favorite, even if it was Ty eliciting those noises from you. And of course the gold that always pushed him over the edge to climax every single time was the memory of that night in Montreal. He’d imagine whatever warm body under him was you, whithering to his touch.

He could still feel your soft skin etched into his brain. Your smell, your breathy groans, your taste.... it took permanent residence in his thoughts and got him over the edge every time. He was so enamoured in his fantasy of you, he hadn’t noticed he’d finished inside the mystery woman until she spoke up.

“Damn papi, that was amazing. Careful with that shit, it’s addictive,” she winked at him. He rolled his eyes and pulled out, tying up the used condom and tucking it in his back pocket of his jeans while he slid them on. Believe it or not, he’d had his fair share of girls try to trap him, for what reason he’d never know. They must realize that he’d never give a shit about them, whether they carried his spawn or not. It was pathetic and always made Erik uneasy. Actually, most things concerning children made him uneasy. He wasn’t father material and he knew it. Hell he wasn’t husband material either, nor boyfriend material, and given how you and him hadn’t spoken to each other in months, he was pretty bad friend material too.

Even with things being dodgy before the whole Winter break fiasco, he knew there was no coming back from this one. It was really over between you two. No communication whatsoever and that was probably for the best. Erik couldn’t control himself around you, couldn’t control his judgement, and couldn’t control his emotions. You made him reckless and raw. And he couldn’t handle it. So he was content with living with the memory of what you two were. He knew the whole “Time Heals All Wounds” notion was bullshit but he did know that it would dim over time. That’s what he kept telling himself at least. To just give it time.

Erik was on his way across campus on his way to class when he saw him. Ty. He looked bad surprisingly. The boy was always light on the facial hair, but he now sported a thick, overgrown beard. If it were the old days when their friendship was strong, he’d recommend him to his barber, get his shit looking crispy like Erik’s, but those days were long gone. He looked like he’d lost weight, which was hard considering he probably couldn’t be more that 120 lbs soaking wet anyway. He also had dark bags under his eyes like he hadn’t got a decent night’s sleep in a while. Overall, he just had a haunted vibe about him, one that only intensified when he laid his dead eyes on Erik.

“Got something you wanna say man?” Erik said, stopping in front of him. Erik was always ready for a fight but he really hoped Ty didn’t take the bait. Even if they weren’t friends anymore, Erik didn’t wanna hit him when he was in this state. It wasn’t right nor fair.

“I hope you’re happy, mate. Finally got what you wanted, eh?” He said in a deadpan voice.

“Wanna run that by me again?” Erik asked as he cocked an eyebrow. Maybe Ty was as crazy as he looked.

“You’ll hurt her. Throw her away the same way you do every fucking body else. Can’t really say I blame you though,” Ty let out a humorless laugh.

“And why is that?” Erik said through gritted teeth.

“Because you’re empty inside. You don’t give a shit about anyone, including yourself. And she’ll realize that. Realize I’ll love her more than you ever could. And she’ll be back,” Ty said, and before Erik could ask one of the numerous questions he had, he walked off.

Erik stood there for another ten solid minutes trying to figure out what the hell Ty was talking about but one thing out of all of this was crystal clear. Y/N and him were over. She was single. And he hadn’t heard a peep from her, which sent the loudest message of all.

She wanted nothing to do with him period. Boyfriend or not. It stung Erik but he knew deep down she never felt the same. So with that, he trailed his way to his class, limbs heavy trying his hardest to not feel the ocean of hurt that ate at his heart.

~*~

A/N: So what yall think? I rewrote this chapter like four times with different scenarios but in the end i decided on this one because I feel it flows easier that their still in college (even though they lowkey about to graduate). But anyway I just wanna say thanks to everyone who interacted with my last chapter and i will be going back and responding those after I post this. Going back and reading all those replies, I just KNEW i couldn’t leave it like that for yall.  Let me know yall’s theories or if you want to be added to/ deleted from the taglist.

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[harrrrrryyyy]

A Twist In My Story || Harry Styles | Chapter Four

Summary: Olivia Michaels is a young girl who goes to college to experience life to become her own person, not who her mom has made her out to be.  When she meets a curly headed bad boy named Harry Styles, everything changes for her.

Word Count: 1,442

Warnings: swearing, mentions of sex

Chapter Three

It was really hard to avoid someone when your only friends on campus were his friends too. That’s why every time I’m near him, I ignore him. I don’t even acknowledge him; it’s not worth my time. Tonight was one of those nights. We were at the guys’ frat house playing Spin the Bottle. I didn’t really want to play, didn’t want to risk having to kiss Harry. Jade kept bugging, so I eventually gave in. So here we are, I’m sitting next to Liam and Niall; as far away from Harry as possible. My turn was coming up soon and I was extremely anxious. Niall spun the bottle and it landed on Louis. I laugh as soon as Niall and Louis kiss and quickly pull away, looking disgusted.

“Your turn, Liv,” Jade announces.

I collect myself and spin the bottle. It’s steady at first then slows down and lands on Niall. A breath I didn’t even realize I was holding escapes my mouth. I look at Niall and we both lean in, our lips touching. We kiss for a good five seconds before Harry scoffs, “that’s enough.”

I roll my eyes and pull away from Niall, smiling.

Liam spins the bottle and it lands on Trinity, they give each other a quick kiss and go back to their spots.

It’s Harry’s turn to spin the bottle now. He gives it a quick spin and I pray to God that it doesn’t land on me. I watch the bottle stop, and of course, it lands on me.

I huff in annoyance as Harry’s crawling over to me. He places my cheeks in his hands and plants his lips on mine. I immediately kiss back, our mouths moving together perfectly. There’s a lot of hooting and catcalls around our circle when he slips his tongue in my mouth. Our tongues go together in a perfect dance.

“Okay, guys! Get a fucking room!” I hear Trinity yell.

I pull away from him and he goes back to his spot in the circle. My lips are still swollen from our hot kiss as the game continues on. We play for a few more rounds until Jade gets bored with it.

I leave the little circle to go find another beer, and when I stumble into the kitchen, it’s not long before Harry follows.

“You’re ignoring me, flower,” he states.

“Damn, is it that obvious?” I ask sarcastically.

“What I wanna know is why?” he asks.

“You made it pretty obvious, Harry, you don’t want anything to do with me,” I tell him.

He sighs, “I never said that.”

I chuckle, annoyed, “yes you did.”

I look at him as he tries to get the words out.

“I’m just..” he stutters, “I’m not good at this.”

“Good at what, Harry?” I ask him, confused.

“Feelings. I haven’t felt like this in a long time,” he huffs, “I don’t know what the fuck to do.”

I roll my eyes, “I’m not interested in your games.”

He grabs my bicep before I can leave the kitchen, “there are no games. I don’t know how to deal with these feelings, I’ve never-”

I cut him off, “I don’t wanna hear it, I’m not someone you can just toy with Harry, I’m a human being.”

I nudge him away from me and leave the kitchen, trying to find Jade. When I finally find her, she’s busy in a corner with Louis making out. I shy away from them and try to find someone else I know. After five minutes of looking, I decided to just leave. On my way out, an Irish accent calls my name, Niall.

I turn around and smile at him.

“That was some kiss,” he says to me.

I nod, “it was nice.”

“Too bad it was interrupted by Harry, I swear he has a thing for you,” he continues, “never seen the guy act that way.”

“Who knows, all he’s been doing is playing mind games with me. I’m not gonna put up with it,” I tell him.

“I say give the lad a chance, he’s really a sweet guy once you get through his ‘macho man’ persona,” he tells me.

I think about what he says, but I just don’t know if I can give him a chance. Harry’s not the type of guy you bring home to your mother, and my mother would have a conniption if I brought Harry home to her. Cory would absolutely love him though. I was caught between what I wanted and what I thought was right. I didn’t really know anything about Harry though. He was a complete mystery to me. The moments I get him to open up are rare, and they don’t last long.  

It wasn’t until minutes after my conversation with Niall, that I realized how stupid I was being. I didn’t come to college with the intent on getting into a serious relationship. That’s the last thing that’s on my mind. School is the most important thing for me at the moment. I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. I quickly pick it up and look at the caller ID, Mom.

“Hello?” I answer.

“Olivia! I’ve been trying to call all day, why didn’t you pick up?” she scolds.

“I didn’t hear my phone go off, sorry Mom,” I apologize.

“What’s that noise?” she asks.

I sigh and walk to outside, hoping she doesn’t hear the music from out here.

“Studying with some friends, have a big test tomorrow,” I lie.

“Cory told me that you’ve been hanging around boys, Olivia, you know what I told you about them!” she practically yells through the phone.

I roll my eyes, “yep.”

“You need to be using your valuable time studying, not whoring around with boys.”

“I’m not whoring around, Mom. Even if I was, I’m eighteen years old. Let me live my life!” I yell back.

“Don’t you get an attitude with me,” she warns.

“No, I’m sick of it, you’re overbearing. My whole life I wasn’t allowed to do the things normal kids were doing. You let Cory do whatever the hell he wanted.”

“Don’t swear at me!” she yells.

“I’m done with this conversation, Mom. I will do what I want.”  With that, I hang up.

I put my phone away and sit down on the edge of the sidewalk with a sigh.

“You good?” I hear that deep English accent ask.

“Yeah,” I reply.

“Don’t sound like it,” he says as he takes a seat next to me, “what’s up?”

I laugh sadly, “my mom.”

“Not a pleasant conversation?” he asks coyly.

“It never is with her,” I sigh, “I was never allowed to do anything, wasn’t allowed to be around boys, nope, had to focus on school. Ever since my dad left, she’s smothered me.”

“Is she the reason you moved so far away from home?” he asks.

“How’d you know that?” I ask.

“Jade,” he answers.

I lay my head on his shoulder and sigh, “I think she expects me to be celibate the rest of my life.”

“That’s no fun.”

“I wouldn’t know,” I joke.

The look in his eye is so intense, it almost knocks the wind out of me. I study his face, he really is the definition of beautiful. His hair was wild and his eyes were a dark green right now.

He leans closer to me, putting his mouth up to my ear, “you have no idea the things I’d like to do to you.”

I shiver at his words, “then show me.” I try to sound as confident as possible, but I was a nervous mess.

He moves his lips down to my neck, placing a few kisses on it.

“Soon, love,” he whispers before softly grabbing my neck and placing more kisses on it.

The interaction is so hot, I can feel myself getting wetter as he continues kissing my neck. He slowly pulls away, looking into my eyes, “so beautiful.” His lips finally come up to mine and he pulls my bottom lip with his teeth, causing me to moan quietly.

He pulls away and smirks, “thought you were done with me.”

And just as quickly as the butterflies were there, they were gone.

“Trust me, I don’t.” I stand up and walk away. I figured it was time to leave. I expect Harry to follow me and give me the same, “it’s too dangerous to be walking alone.” bullshit, but he doesn’t. I turn around to check if he’s still here, but he’s not. Must’ve gone inside. It was unbelievable how stupid I was when it came to him.

[sighingsiren-tales]

Just like the Roman Empire

ARTIST: Taemin

GENRE: angst, smut

LENGTH: 5.5k words

A/N:So Taemin has REALLY been tap dancing on my last nerves as of lately sooo this comes from the small imagines I have of him from time to time. I’ve actually had this in my drafts for a while now, maybe a month or so and I edited it and decided to post it. Also, always use condoms-this is a pic and pregnancy is real. Enjoy~Admin Kae

GIF IS NOT MINE

Part 2

“You’re such a fucking pain” He growled, slamming the door before turning to me with a look of absolute anger with a hint of something else flickering in his eyes.

I gave him a look over my shoulder, pulling my robe up and over my shoulders before giving him my full attention.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about” I mused as I spritzed a bit of perfume on my pressure points, rubbing it into my skin before walking over towards my vanity.

“You know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about” he growled, standing in a position where I could see him from the mirror of my vanity.  

Sighing, I feigned annoyance as I placed my chin on top of my hand catching his gaze in the mirror.

“You’re going to have to be way more specific” I mused quietly.

He groaned in frustration, sitting on my bed as he places his head in his hands in an exasperated fashion.

“You know that I have a girlfriend” he stated in annoyance.

I ignored his statement, opting for fixing my messy bun before silently moving behind him on the bed. I positive he could feel my weight cause the bed to dip behind him but he made no point to move away from me.

“You’re stressed baby” I purred into his ear as he leaned back into my touch hesitantly.

I moved my hands over his shoulders and upper back working out the tension knotted there best I could without applying too much pressure. With each passing moment, he relaxed into my touch and my fingers coaxed and massaged the knots of tension from his shoulders and back with more force, his quiet groans letting me know that I was doing something right. I pressed my robe covered body into his back, knowing that he could feel my unclothed breasts against his back. My bent legs spread to either side of his hips, encasing his thighs gently were clearly keeping his attention as I inhaled slowly and let my arms encircle his neck, my head dropping down to the crook of it. My lips brushed against the smooth and soft skin there, the salty taste of his sweat somehow arousing me further. I could hear him suck in a breath and hold it, signalling he was trying to keep his moans in best he could. I smirked against his skin, relishing in the simple fact that I was winning.

“Please” he whimpered.

“Hmm?” I gave a small noise before letting my tongue dance across the side of his neck as I pretended that I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

I only realized how far gone he was when I raised my head to look at him in the mirror. His head was thrown back, dark hair falling into his eyes as he leaned back into my touch. The way his head kicked back showed off his gorgeous neck perfectly and I had the insane urge to mark it, badly. My eyes trailed over his neck before he slowly raised his head, his eyes meeting mine in the mirror and darkening perceptively. I let my hands drop from his neck, running them  down his chest slowly. He bit his lip at the motion.

“Stop that” He groaned quietly without much conviction.

“But you need to relax, I’m only trying to help” I spoke in a soft tone, pushing myself into him further.

I let one hand go down further, reaching his lower stomach and when I felt him tense, I slowly brought it back up to his chest again. Leaning my head onto his shoulder, I began to speak again.

“Does she know about this?” I asked, prompting him to answer me and give me the satisfaction of knowing that I was getting to him.

The word that left his lips was a simple, broken whisper.

“No”.

I gave a small hum at the expected answer.

Fantastic.

“God, I never thought you were like this” He groaned before he visibly tensed again when my hand brushed against the top of his thighs.

“Is that so?” I asked absentmindedly, bringing my tongue up to toy with the shell of his ear.

He let out a low ‘mhm’.  I chuckled quietly before pressing a chaste kiss to the slope of his neck.

“But you like it don’t you?” I whispered into his ear, my lips playing with the shell of it as I watched him suck in a breath before answering.

“Yes” he answered in a broken whisper.

I hummed, letting my fingers trail down over the plane of his chest, brushing past his nipples.

“Nah, I don’t think you like it” I whispered hotly into the side of his neck, allowing his fingers to hesitantly skim the skin of my knee.

Gripping his chin and making it so he had to face me, I pulled him to my lips in a quick movement. I let my tongue dance across his bottom lip before speaking.

“I think you love it” I hissed darkly.

His pupils were blown wide as his full lips parted to let out a low breath. He moved forward in a slow tilt of his head, with all intention to kiss me but I turned my head to the side, no allowing him the satisfaction.

“Oh so now you want to kiss me?” I asked in a condescending tone.

His gaze flickered to my lips before he spoke.

“How could I not? I’d be stupid not to want you” his voice was a low murmur, the tone going straight to my core

“You’d also be stupid if you think I’d let you” I hissed, letting my fingers skim the skin of his cheek.

I could practically see the desperation in his eyes as he watched my every movements.

“If you think I’ll reward you so easily after the hell you put me through” I took the liberty of yanking on his dark strands, pulling his hair back so he had no choice but to focus his gaze on my eyes.

“Then you don’t know me very well”.

Throwing his head back to its original spot, I resumed my previous position letting my hands go down in slow paths across the plane of his chest before the low rumble let me know he was beginning to speak.

“You know I, uhm, I- ah” He cut his sentence short when I bit his neck tenderly.

“Go on and speak clearly” I instructed sweetly.

“You know I’m committed to her a-and you’re still d-doing this, fuck” he moaned out the last word lowly, the sound a hot whisper, when my hand gripped the outline of his dick in his suit pants.

“Knowing that you’re committed doesn’t mean that I care Taemin” I paused to sit behind him obediently, my arms wrapping around his waist loosely.

“Those are two very different things that you’re comparing” I purred as a finish to my sentence.

I slowly let my hands leave his body, allowing him to think that  he was finished for the night. I saw his boat visibly relax and yet tense at the same time. That was when I took the perfect moment to straddle him, hitching up my short silk robe, slowly letting my legs go on either side of his hips before sitting on his thighs. I had to keep a moan from slipping out with just how close I was to his face and his erection. His eyes trailed up my form, taking in the dark indigo silk robe that reached the very top of my thighs, lingering on the exposed skin, before landing on my face. I slowly moved my hands to the collar of his shirt, taking my time feeling the broad plane of his shoulders before pulling him closer.

“If I hadn’t made myself clear before, let me do it now. When you’re with me you do not mention her in any way shape or form. Do we understand each other?” My dark command was enough to have him nodding his head slowly, the Adam’s apple bobbing slightly as he did so.

“Good boy”.

I let my hands work the buttons of his shirt effortlessly but oh so slowly, taking my time in revealing his gorgeous toned chest. When I had the first few undone I stopped, eliciting a whine from him.

“You stopped?” He husked, eyebrow raised in slight annoyance.

Oh so now he was annoyed? Ignoring the slight irritation, I ran my hands over the smooth plane of his chest slowly. When I leaned down to rest my head in the crook of his neck, his hands went to my waist, gentle,  light and hesitant but definitely there. I smirked against the hot, sweaty, skin of neck.

“I know that you’re not happy with her” I said lowly, allowing the slight irritation I felt that I couldn’t call the man in front of me mine seep into my tone.

“If you know that than you also know why I’m with her” he spoke from in between gritted teeth, showing a form of feisty behavior.

I let his words mull around in my head for a moment, allowing the gravity of what was said to sink in fully before I made my final decision. Placing a little more of my weight on him, I locked my arms around his neck. He gave a small hum of appreciation before speaking, his voice a bit more hesitant than before.

“Is it really that obvious?”.

I nodded, giving a small “mhm” and leaning into him more as the presence of his arms grew more apparent. His dick was straining against the tight suit pants he wore and I internally giggled at the reaction he was having because of me. Solely because of me. The very thought made me even more aroused and I slowly let myself grind down onto his erection.

“Ah” he let out a low deep sound at the action causing me to I kiss his neck in response.

“Let me help you. I know you better than you do sometimes and you can’t deny that” I paused to nip at his neck.

“Then you should know I have a limit” he hissed in my ear, his hand gripping at my hip.

The slight show of dominance, of a struggle for control, was enough to seal the deal of whatever was about to happen here. So as a way to seal the deal, I said the few words that I knew would have him melting within seconds.

“I know you exactly the way she doesn’t. You and I both know that. So just cut the bullshit Taemin”.

He grabbed my hips, pulling me firmly against him. I let out a small gasp at the action, moving my head from his neck to look at him directly with a look of slight surprise. He raised an eyebrow.

“You know what you’re doing?” he hissed with no real malice.

I rolled my hips against his, eliciting a groan from him, as a silent answer to his question.

“I thought we established that already”.

My hands gripped his shoulders, feeling him tense slightly and I made it a point to roll my hips in the slowest manner I could.

“Fuck”.

The word was a low, hot, drawn out hiss. His grabbed my hips, keeping me still and I took the courage that he didn’t have to look up from his chest and into his eyes, watching them darken.

“I know you can do better than that baby. C’mon” his voice a bratty whine accompanied by a desperate and harsh grip of my ass harshly and simultaneous grinding.

“Show me”.

The subtle bite of his lip along with his low whining tone sent me over the edge real quick Gripping the strands of hair at the nape of his neck,  I let out a breath of relief as I breathed out the word “Finally”. I finished unbuttoning his shirt one by one before letting my hands slip under it and feel his bare shoulders, the skin hot under my fingertips. I pushed the material away from his body and he helped me, throwing it away from himself feverishly. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer as  I kicked my head back with a dark chuckle. I immediately felt lips on my neck, sweet and heated kisses being placed there as he made a trail that stopped right above my collar bone. My giggle was caught in my throat, turning into an intake of breath as I relished in the feeling of his arms around me, muscles flexing against my skin.

“Ah, eager are we?” I questioned before letting out a light moan as his lips reached lower, his arms tightening around me.

“You already know this” he spoke, his voice dark with desire.

“You’re driving me fucking insane” he whined, burying his face in my neck as I ran my hand through his hair slowly, the soft strands moving easily between my fingers.

“At least with me you would have died from excitement and not boredom” I quipped bitterly, the slight jealousy rearing its ugly head once more.

Within seconds, he flipped us over, my back now against the soft silk sheets of the bed much to my surprise. His eyes were trained on me, the look within them being one of pure, unadulterated lust.

“Stop talking about her” he commanded in a low authoritative tone.

The look he was giving me along with his tone was leaving me absolutely breathless.

“That is one of the only times you get whatever you want Taemin” I spoke in a breathless tone, taking in his gorgeous half naked form with a hand pressed against his chest.

He stayed in between my legs before slowly moving his hands down to the back of my knees and pulling me closer to him with a short tug. I let my legs drape over his hips as his hands rested on the top of my thighs.

“No one can know about this” He whispered, his face now dangerously close to mine.

With a roll of my eyes I answered him with a short “I know that” and Taemin quirked an eyebrow, leaning down toward my lips. When he was about a hair away from my own, he stopped letting the moment simmer.

“Do you really?” He asked teasingly.

I gave a small snort at the attempt to tease me.

“I knew exactly what I was getting into when I decided that I wanted you. Did you?” I let my legs wind around his waist, causing his clothed erection to brush against me with much more force this time.

He kicked his head back, letting out a low hiss. I placed a hand on his cheek, making him look down at me immediately. I needed him to look at me when I said this so that way there was absolutely no way of backing out. He watched me with dark hesitant eyes barely detectable behind the lust.

“I want you. I can handle the consequences” My voice was even and very soothing but my stomach was doing flips at the sentiment.

I’m positive he knew how I felt but confirmation was an entirely different thing. Now he was positive of how I felt and it was no longer an opinion or maybe a misunderstood observation; It was now a fact. Regardless of that, I wasn’t backing down. I wanted him in ways that no one else would have ever before or ever again.

“So” He began in a breathless tone, his hands venturing higher before settling for my hips.

“So?” I drawled, raising an eyebrow as a means for him to continue.

He leaned in closer, his lips almost touching mine.

“Now that we have morality out of the way, wanna see what I can really do?” His voice was so desperate and I could tell he was only a few steps away from begging.

The simple thought had me letting out a small mewl and I nodded slowly, letting my arms wind around his neck again.

“Show me what you can do” I whispered darkly.

His lips came down on mine with that statement, the soft and sensual feel of his lips making me lose a bit of my composure. His kiss was passionate but slow. He was in no rush which, given how relentlessly I was teasing him, was surprising. I felt his hands undo the knot that held the robe together, fully exposing me to him. When his warm hands ran across my stomach to caress my waist, I moaned into his mouth and bucked my hips into his. He pulled away from my lips, kissing his way down my jawline and neck and taking extra care when he reached the curve of my breasts. His kisses moved south quickly, slowly making their way in between my breasts and down my stomach. He kissed his way to my pantyline and I shivered when I felt his teeth gingerly scrape the area. He looked up at me from between my legs and I had never seen anything sexier.

“Take them off for me” I commanded.

The sweet smile he gave me in return hiding the sinful things that I knew that tongue and mouth could do. Letting my hands trail down to my legs, he slowly began taking off the dark colored lace. As it slipped down to the back of my knees, he could not tear his eyes away from my form as he rid me of the article of clothing. Placing my legs over his shoulders, Taemin looked up at me again, making sure not to touch me but stay close enough so I could feel his presence.

“How are you so sexy?” He whined.

His gaze flickered from me to my sex multiple times.

“Can I?” He asked darkly.

“Should I let you?” I countered without missing a beat.

“Please just do something. I’ve waited way too long. Just please” Taemin spoke in a low, pleading tone that went straight to my head.

He moved closer, never breaking eye contact. His stare was intense and I held up well until I felt his tongue flick my clit. I threw my head back against the sheets as he immediately went to work. Just like with his kiss, he wasn’t hurried; He was taking his time, making sure to lick and kiss every spot he could find thoroughly. I let myself savor the feel of his tongue before gripping his hair and yanking back.

“You just don’t listen do you?” I hissed sitting up so while pulling him to sit up on his knees so that he would see eye to eye with me.

The smirk on his lips was cocky, as he spoke.

“With the way you were thrashing around, I didn’t see you having an issue with it” he sassed.

Pushing him back onto his back I took the liberty of crawling between his legs slowly and letting his body tremor with anticipation without me even touching him. I fiddled with the belt buckle slowly, undoing it in a slow fashion before harshly pulling the belt from the loops. Holding it out in front of me for a moment, I inspected it before bending it and letting it trail down his bare chest causing him to twitch slightly.

“I have half a mind to tie your ass up with this” I mused aloud, causing him to let out a slight moan.  

“Please do” he spoke, keeping eye contact with me as he let his eyes trail over the belt in my hands.

Placing it to the side, I muttered “maybe later” before parting his thighs gently. I let my mouth hover over his erection before undoing the button of his pants with my lips and tongue all while keeping eye contact with him.

“Oh my god” he husked, kicking his head back.

Taking his zipper in my teeth, I unzipped his pants before allowing him to feel the pressure of me kneeling before him but not actually touching him.

“Taemin” I called to him sweetly.

“I love hearing you say my name” He whined, his hands clenched at his sides.

Tugging at his pants I smoothly commanded: “Take them off for me”.

I sat back on my heels as I watched him stand to full height and loosen his shoulders a bit before taking off his pants the rest of the way. I couldn’t help but bite my lip harshly as the suit pants made their way from encasing his legs to a mess on the floor.

“Like that?” His voice was raspy and deep and I found myself nodding slowly at the question.

He chuckled lowly before getting on the bed, laying back against the pillows as I assumed my former position between his legs. I let my hands trail up his hips before dragging it down over his thighs, taking his briefs with me. I watched as he laid before me, completely naked and, from the way his teeth dug into the flesh of his lower lip, utterly desperate. I placed my hands on his thighs gently, the skin to skin contact making his jump slightly before he relaxed against the plush sheets, sinking his head back further into the pillow. He let out a whine I didn’t expect to come from him as I slowly blew air on to the tip of his erection.

“How is it? That the most powerful man in this business right now” I accentuated my words with a soft grip on his cock.

I allowed him to let out a drawn out groan before I began speaking again.

“Is here at my beck and call?” My words were honeyed and definitely downplayed the honor I was receiving right now.

To have this man before me in such a way was absolutely amazing, tempting in oh so many ways. Women would kill to be in my position and here I was, relishing in the moment. He leaned forward, a finger as light as a feather ghosting under my chin.

“Did anyone ever tell you why women can bring down empires within minutes whereas it take soldiers years to complete this feat?” His voice was soft, sweet and concerned as he watched me.

He was the only man to ever look directly in my eyes when speaking in such a soft tone and I felt my inner resolve melt within the shell of my power.

“If you want your answer, take me as example. I’m willing to let you ruin both me and the business I built all because I can’t get you out of my head. I let you have my power. Is that not an answer enough?” He spoke softly, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear before he continued.

“Ever since I saw you on that runway, I knew I wouldn’t be able to say no to anything you asked of me”.

In an exhale of breath, I found myself within the cathedral that his words built for me and I could do nothing else but crawl over his body slowly, letting my hands rest on either side of his shoulders as he slowly reclined to allow my actions. He tangled his hand in my hair, cradling the back of my head as he pulled my lips to his in a soft sensual meeting. And they met over and over and over again. When he pulled away, his heavy breathing mingled with mine in a soft lullaby.

“Skip the foreplay angel. Please” his words were a plea, high and whiny as I considered his wants.

He pushed my hair aside with his nose, nuzzling into the skin of my neck before placing kisses there again and again. My body shivered and I felt my resolve melting, the need for control and an ego boost lowering as my need for pleasure increased.

“Come on. I let you torture me for more than a half an hour now” He whined, his arms winding around my waist tightly.

I found the weight of his arms along with my increasing need pulling me down onto him. The tip of his cock brushed back and forth against my wetness and he let out a moan.

“You’re dripping” he commented, his gaze trailing down my body as his hands gripped my back.

I adjusted my legs to straddle him as his eyes bore into mine, the look in his face being one of pure lust as he watched my movements.

“Please, fucking please” He rasped, his hand leaving my back to rest on the back of my neck.

“Just sink down angel. You can’t tell me you’re not imagining how good it would feel” he brushed my hair away from my neck, holding it back as he brought me closer, our lips nearly touching.

“I’m begging you my love” He whined once more, the nickname setting a fire ablaze in the pit of my stomach. The words were out of my mouth in a whoosh of breath before I could stop them.

“Beg for me”.

He sat up straight, his arms curling around my body as he kissed my lips once.

“Please” Another kiss.

“Please” Another, longer kiss.

“For the love of fucking God, please”  He gave my hair a gentle tug before he was back to speaking.

“Just-“ I cut him off by sinking down on to him slowly, almost completely sure I wouldn’t be able to handle another one of his pleas.

He let out a choked moan, gripping onto my hips tightly as he pushed his head back against the pillow, his hair sprawling out against the silk. I had never seen him look so sexy before and I trailed my hands down his chest, my nails grazing his nipples ever so slightly before I lifted up slowly, sinking down once more experimentally. I let out a low, high pitched whine as braced my hands against his abs and rolled my hips. Sucking in air between my lips, I let out a low breath of his name.

“Do that again” he spoke whilst rolling his hips from beneath him.

The way he rolled his hips caused his cock to shift within me, causing me to let out a high pitched moan.

“Ooh, what was that?” He mused and I could practically hear the smirk in his voice.

I could do nothing but grab onto his shoulders, my nails digging into the skin as I dropped my head onto his shoulders.

“Did I find something hmm?” On the word “find” he gave a particularly deep thrust, the slow stretch of him filling me causing my breath to come out in pants.

Lifting up slightly, he placed his lips directly next to my ear.

“How do you want it?” .

His question caused me roll my hips on instinct, his hands stilling them as he let out a hiss followed by a breathy dark chuckle.

“I asked something. Let me apologize properly for prancing around with her” he spoke lowly, peppering kisses across my chest as he awaited my answer.

Throwing my head back, I was definitely not prepared for the harsh thrust that he gave. I yelped but he paid it no mind as he continued his harsh movements. His pace wasn’t fast but his movements were as fluid as they were powerful.

“Taemin”.

He only chuckled adorably before he let his hands wander back to my waist.

“Grind down on it. Show me how much you want me here” he hissed, as he rolled his hips.

I took a moment to look down at him, whining with pleasure as he continued his ministrations. Gripping his hands and pinning them down to the bed I raised up slightly before letting myself sink down onto him slowly. He only smirked at me, eyes dancing with amusement as he watched me. I wanted to taunt him, to say something witty but I couldn’t focus well enough to do that. 

“Funny how now that you’re filled up you can’t speak” He teased, his fingers sliding down my body with the very clear intention of my clit.

“I don’t like the games you were playing with me” He spoke, while burying his head in my chest, starting to move his hips faster.

His breathing became harsh and they mingled in perfectly with my moans as he decided to take the matter into his own hands.

“I have no idea what you fucking want” The last word being a drawn out moan.

“I- I want -oh my god Taemin” His slow thrusts we’re becoming impatient and slightly rougher as I spoke, his name turning into a long moan.

He let out a low hiss before tangling his hand in my hair and pulling me to his lips. The kiss was messy and wet but oh so satisfying causing me to release a few moans into his mouth.

“You want what?” He asked breathlessly, giving me a slow quick kiss as his hips picked up speed.

“What do you want?” He asked, his desperation and impaitence apparent as his grip on my hips tightened.

“I want to come Taemin” I felt the candid plea leave my lips before I could stop it.

“Do you really?” He asked in between kisses planted on my neck.

I could only nod against him as an answer. In a quick second, I was on my back, Taemin in between my legs as he watched me from his place above me.

“Are you gonna let me have you?” He asked, wet hair falling into his eyes as his stare changed dramatically.

He wanted me to say that I wanted him and, with my need to make him beg diminished, I obliged happily. He parted my thighs, kissing the skin there before slithering up my body as his cock brushed against my sensitive clit, causing me to let out a slight yelp.

“Sh sh shh” He shushed me.

“I’ll make you feel good” He husked, grabbing my jaw gently so that I had to look at him as he plunged in deep.

The pleasure was overwhelming and I screwed my eyes shut, pushing my head back against the pillows as a high pitched moan escaped me. He gripped my thighs, moving in and out of me at a slow sensual pace. He let out a low pleasure filed ‘hmm’ before placing more of his weight against me as he moved his hips expertly.

“Who knew you could be such a good girl” He cooed, brushing my hair back as he thrust in again with more force.

I felt my hands grip at his back, my nails dragging down as his hiss combined with my moans.

“Fuck” he grunted, gripping my hips as stilled for a moment, sitting back on his heels.

Pushing his hair back with one hand, he watched me with a stare that I recognized from before, not that it was ever directed at me.

“I really tried angel. I tried to be a gentleman for you. I waited, I even let you tease me but tonight I just don’t have it in me anymore”.

I felt my eyes widen at his sinful words before I scanned his gorgeous, slightly sweaty body.

“Then don’t” His gaze flickered at my assurance.

“You have already sinned today. What’s once more?” My voice was low, fucked out and seemed to have the effect on him that I wanted.

He gripped my hips as took no time in pushing as deep as he could go. I found a few choked moans leaving my throat as he pounded away, his breathy moans telling me all I needed to know about how he was feeling. I let out a whine of his name and he only increased his speed.

“Feels good?” He asked breathlessly.

I barely got the words “so fucking good” out as he let out a shuddering moan.

“I need to be deeper” within a quick moment he covered me with his body, leaning into me as his hips were almost moving too fast to process.

I grabbed onto his hair tightly, the silky strands being knotted within my grasps as I felt my body shuddering with a mind-blowing orgasm. With a whimper of his name, I felt overwhelming pleasure, white hot, coursing through my veins. He chanted the word ‘shit’ as a breathless, sexy mantra, hooking the back of my knees as he hitched them up higher on his hips. He let out a few light, “ah”s before he buried his face in the crook of my neck and came with a low, shuddering moan that caused pleasure to shoot through my body. I ran my hand through his hair in a small show of affection as I let him calm down from his high, his sweaty body covering me in a pleasant way. His head lowered to rest on my breasts as his arms wound around my body in a tight embrace. In a breathless tone, he broke the silence.

“Rest angel. You’re going to need it for the morning”.

I chuckled, letting the silky wet strands pass through my fingers once more before yanking them gently so that he had to look up at me.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”.

Snuggling into my chest, he answered me in a low voice.

“It means that I’m not finished with you”.

[annarosewriting]

I Have Four Less Teeth and All People Wanted to Comment on Was My Weight.

I got my wisdom teeth out a few weeks ago. 

I KNOW, I KNOW. I’M 23 AND I JUST NOW GOT THEM OUT. “WELL WHY DIDN’T YOU GET THEM TAKEN OUT EARLIER???” YOU MAY BE ASKING, WELL THE ANSWER IS I’M SCARED OF SURGERIES IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO SAY?? HUH?? WELL CONGRATULATIONS YOU GOT ME.

Overall, it was anticlimactic.They gave me some drugs, I texted my friend that I felt like Steve Rogers before he gets injected with the Super Soldier Serum (which, side note, this friend is now my boyfriend and I like to think it’s because of my Percocet induced ramblings about Marvel characters), and then the drugs REALLY kicked in and the next thing I knew, I’m coming to with an ice pack wrapped around my melon with The Good Place playing on my laptop.

Which, The Good Place was probably a little too heavy for someone who was heavily medicated and already has a lot of anxiety about what happens when we die but it’s fine, we’re all fine.

It was mundane but the worst part was I had the diet of a teething baby. 

I ate more Easy Mac than I had in college. I only ate applesauce and ice cream for breakfast because they were the only foods that didn’t cause me crippling pain. I subsisted on water and the idea of food for the next two weeks. 

I was suffering. I couldn’t eat a full meal so I was severally lacking in nutrition. I was in constant pain because of the gaping holes in my head where teeth used to be. And then, once the pain started to go away and I could move up in the culinary world to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I had to rinse my teeth out EVERY. TIME. I ate. 

It was a pain in the ass, so my solution was to avoid having to rinse my teeth. Which meant, not eating. Or eating the absolute bare minimum to keep me functioning. Sometimes that meant I didn’t eat for five hours or more.  

This translated to me always feeling lightheaded. I was tired. I couldn’t focus at work. I would try to write or read to take my mind off how much pain I was in but even then I couldn’t concentrate. I was wasting more energy calculating when I could eat than I was on actual work. I was on edge. I snapped at everyone I loved. It was an absolute nightmare. 

I was miserable and it was the worst I had felt in a really long time. 

But, hey, forget how miserable I was feeling. There were more important things to focus on. Things like how “[I’ll] probably lose so much weight!!!! So jealous!!!” 

Cue the manic, white wine, suburban mom fake laugh.  

I had more comments given to me about how I had lost weight or I “looked great” than I had in a while. The last time people felt comfortable enough to comment on my body was when I was crying about missing workouts and obsessively counting calories which, Y I K E S.  

I wasn’t in a good place mentally but that didn’t matter!!! What mattered was I was finally on my way to being thin!!! Fuck my mental and emotional health!!!! That’s nonsense!!!! Who cares if my relationships are strained and I can’t do any work right?? FINALLY I wasn’t going to be fat!!!!! So that’s all that matters, right!!!!!!!  

*cue the hour long fart noise*

It’s not like I lost weight because I actively worked for it. (And besides, losing weight to be skinny is OUT and wanting to be as buff as the Amazon Warriors on Themyscira is IN)

No, I lost weight because SOMEONE RIPPED FOUR TEETH OUT OF MY SKULL AND THEN I WAS MALNOURISHED FOR TWO WEEKS. 

There is no part of that sentence that is healthy. 

It was fucking absurd. I had literally been put under so someone could yank teeth out of goddamn head AND I was moving in a fog, but hey, soooooo worth it just to lose a few pounds quickly right?

Fuck that. 

Here’s the thing, I’m unlearning a lot of toxic shit from Diet Culture and one of them is the idea that the number one topic of conversation for everyone, but women especially, is our weight. But I cannot stand that kind of talk.  

I couldn’t stand it from the moment I realized that diet culture is all bullshit created by both the patriarchy and capitalism to keep women down because we all know that if women's collective energy wasn’t wasted on trying to reach beauty ideals that will always, always, ALWAYS be out of reach, women would have already dismantled the patriarchy, given free health care to everyone, made tampons and birth control free and all dresses would have pockets.

I couldn’t stand it when I thought about how my younger self would try to develop an eating disorder because then maybe she would feel like she was worthy of love. 

I REALLY can’t stand it when I think about why I got my tattoo on my upper thigh. To hide the faded scar that reads “fat” that my younger self carved into her own thigh with a pocket knife. Watching crimson droplets appear as she prayed that this warning carved in flesh would be enough of a reminder to her as to what she could become if she ate when her body told her she was hungry. 

I hated it the most though when people would say I looked great after getting my wisdom teeth out, and I would have a fleeting thought of, “Well shit, what other surgeries can I have so I’ll look like the small child on the cover of the Les Mis playbill?” Or “I should just keep this diet of soft foods eaten two or three times a day going if I’m losing this much weight!”

I fucking hate diets, the diet industry and diet culture. 

So much.

Surprise. 

It breaks my heart and it enrages me all at once. Like learning that Zayn had left One Direction or when One Direction announced their hiatus. 

The number of women I’ve met in my life who have wasted so much time and energy chasing an ideal that will always be just out of reach is astronomical. 

(Myself included!!!! I am absolutely one of those people and there are times when I still buy into it! It’s extremely hard for me to untangle myself from it when it was the basis of my personality for 23 years.)

It breaks my heart that society has engrained in me that since I’m fat, my biggest goal in life is to lose weight. Because of that, I considered eating food, that could only be gummed, two or three times a day JUST so I could m a y b e get within shooting distance of what society deems an “acceptable” body. 

It’s all nonsense! I get so heated when I think about how we have just accepted that one type of body is the ONLY type of body to have and individuals should focus their whole lives on trying to achieve that impossible standard instead of living a good life, or being a good person or starting a revolution to dismantle this broken political system. 

You know, just girly things.  

It makes me physically ill if I think about it too long. I mean, what could I have accomplished if I had stopped worrying so much about losing weight? 

The answer is SO MUCH. 

Once I stopped worrying about losing weight, my relationships with friends and family started flourishing. I got into healthy romantic relationships. I started this blog. I read SO MANY books and I stopped beating myself up for eating food I liked. My body started to feel better since I wasn’t working it to the breaking point everyday trying to reach an ideal that is specifically designed to not be attainable just so the Diet Industry could bleed more money from us. 

So please, I’m begging society, if someone feels the need to talk about their diet with me, or wants to comment on my weight when I’ve had bones ripped from my cranium, talk to me about LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. 

Talk to me about what I’m reading, what I’m writing, ask me how Bucky is, how much emotional damage Infinity War did to my psyche, ask me if I’m registered to vote (I am and you should be too!) talk to me about existential dread, allow me to explain to you that it is a crime ABC did us all so dirty by cancelling Agent Carter after two seasons, talk to me about aliens, ask me how the numbers are at work for gods sake.

There are so many other topics of conversation and we are so much more interesting than what foods we’re depriving ourselves of.  

Next time someone DOES try to tell me that getting my wisdom teeth out was a “great way to lose weight!” I’m going to throw my wisdom teeth at them. 

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

My severe over stimulation continues. We are on... day 4.

So let me explain a thing for those who don't know.

When you have constant, fairly high levels of pain your brain, to some degree, filters it as 'background noise' (unless it's a particularly bad day, then it's an intrusive noise or an all consuming noise) meaning your brain is getting constant active input. It also means that you don't get proper sleep that is required to heal your body & give your brain a break from input, because it's still getting that pain input (at least if you're me). In my case, it interferes with my sleep so significantly that I developed a type of narcolepsy & only get an accumulated hour or two of deep/rem sleep, and that accumulated amount is broken into VERY small increments throughout the night, rather than is large chunks.

So the combination of constant input & shite sleep means my brain doesn't get properly rested which impacts various ways it functions. Like loss of short term memory, my ability to picture an object in my head & see where I saw it last is almost entirely gone.

However one of the most noticeable things from the outside is that I can no longer multi-task or handle a lot of even mild stress. This feature is why on days I have an appointment, I do nothing else of importance. I space out any phone calls I need to make. If The Spawn or I are sick or have some big event type thing, I do nothing else. So let's look at how my week has been.

Monday: I called & left a message requesting info about a post H.S. cosmetology school's programs. The Spawn spent the morning moaning about being sTaRvInG because she wasn't allowed to eat before the procedure. She also went in circles about if she wants to do online charter school or risk going in person this year (because our district decided to oBeY gOvEnOr AbBoTt'S mAnDaTe regarding schools not making masks mandatory. She also spent time fretting about anything that could possibly go wrong with the procedure. (She plays 'what if' and goes into a negative tailspin quite often.)

Took her up to get teeth removed. Waited in a parking lot for 2 hrs & during that time convinced Dad to go fill the prescriptions for me because less driving for me.

Then she was wheeled out & I did that whole thing.

Tuesday: I manage to speak to a person at the post H.S. program. Get some information but schedule a meeting via phone for additional. The Spawn starts her new habit of coming downstairs every 20 minutes to do one of the following: moan about liquid diet & hunger; fret about swelling; fret about how it feels when she moves her jaw; fret about something being in her wounds and making me check them; just moan about shit in general.

I call the charter school for info. Get info but find out that the enrollment/document submission deadline is Wednesday. Find out what docs I need.

Confirm with The Spawn that she wants this path for senior year. Get enrollment forms and all associated documents submitted while The Spawn interrupts for some b.s. every few minutes.

The thing I spent birthday money from Grandma on arrives! It is an industrial pipe style pole that hooks to the wall to hang clothes. I begin enacting my plan to hang it above an unusable window as a replacement closet for the one improvised from a pole & some ropes that hang from the ceiling & limit what I can do with bedroom arrangement. This process requires a stool & power tools. I am starting to get over stimulated, so I tell The Spawn that I am unavailable for awhile as I do this. She agrees & I put on headphones to begin.

My 'unavailability' was respected for maybe 5 minutes before she called me on the phone from upstairs about some random nonsense, then came downstairs to just constantly chatter. *sigh*

Bitching about inability to eat solid food continues. She orders Smoothie King from Favor. Dad & I leave for our nightly park jaunt, joined by Lou who just started playing Pokemon Go to help occupy time & needed a tutorial. The Spawn almost immediately begins texting me about how hungry she is. She asks if I can stop by a local restaurant 'on the way home' for queso that has refried beans in it, which she plans to eat with a spoon, as she has done with guac all day. I tell her that it's entirely out of the way but I will have some delivered. After it arrives, she is quiet until I get home.

Wednesday: just near constant moaning from The Spawn while I attempt to rearrange my bedroom. I'm so over stimulated at this point that any notification sound or the sound of The Spawn's ringtone (she calls me A LOT from upstairs throughout the day) makes me immediately pre-Endgame Hulk level enraged.

Lou comes by later to get further tutoring on Pokemon Go & talk a little while.

And today is Thursday. The Spawn hasn't arisen yet so we will see how that shakes out.

So when I start to get over stimulated, I can feel my brain start to 'short out'. I have a harder time thinking, keeping a train of thought, or remembering words. I can feel myself starting to get agitated.

So I mute my phone's notifications & ringtones, put on headphones & focus on a project. Any project. Gardening, rearranging, cleaning, sculpting... literally anything to give my brain a break.

However, because of The Spawn's procedure that has not been respected. So I'm incredibly irritable & my brain glitching makes me more irritable. I have a snappy, short tone without meaning to & under no circumstances want to be touched by anyone, dogs included. It's a problem.

And in addition, any time I'm trying to rest & get my brain to chill, The Spawn comes down & starts talking, then says in a snippy tone "What's your problem?" or "What's wrong with you?" If I try to explain, the drama queen supreme gets personally offended & says "Fine! I just won't ever talk to you again!" or "Oh I'm sorry my procedure is so inconvenient for you!" She has also taken to getting personally offended by every sarcastic joke I make, so apparently dry wit is no longer allowed, and takes anything I say, twists the context, and the take away for her is whatever the worst possible meaning could be.

(Example: she said she wished her friends had gotten this procedure so they could understand what she's going through. I said -while laughing & using an overly light tone- "You'd really want your friends to suffer through what you're suffering through so they understand?" Her response was "Wow you really think I'm just a horrible fucking monster, huh? That I'd want my friends to suffer? That's fucked up." Um... not AT ALL what was said or even remotely implied. So I sighed a deep sigh & said "My apologies, I forgot you've somehow lost the sense of humor you've had your entire life & no longer recognize the sense of humor I've had your entire life. So sorry. No I don't think you are a monster in any way but I do think you purposefully look for the worst possible meaning or implications within things I've said, so communicating with you is SUPER fun. Look! I made your dog a rope!")

So... that's how my life is going currently. I will, however, post old 'closet' & new 'closet' photos & dragon progress momentarily.

Fucking don't. I hate having to do this. Stealing people's shit for your buzzfeed article or click bait bullshit isn't journalism, it plagiarizing AT BEST. Fuck off.

[parniarazi]

what the universe has taught me about living my best life

I haven’t written on this blog in months, as I’ve been caught up with school, work, and travels. I have been meditating and writing in my journal instead though, a habit I’m proud of and definitely want to continue. I also want to share some things here, especially as I’ll have a bit more free time to write and channel my creativity throughout the summer. I can honestly say, the past year has been the happiest and most amazing year of my life. I turned 20 last October, fearful but excited to end my teen years and embrace adulthood. Moving out of my small hometown, expanding way past my comfort zone, traveling, and falling in love have all changed my life for the better. There’s some points in particular I wanted to draw on, about ways I have cultivated more love and mindfulness everyday, and in return significantly improved the quality of my life. I apologize in advance if some of this is cheesy, just hear it out and give it a chance though! 

☽ Appreciate each phase and live in the moment. If there is one thing the moon has taught me, it’s that things change everyday, the phases will continue and she will go through her cycles. She has taught me to be present, rooted in the moment, in where I am and who I am right now. I’ve always been a dreamer, always thinking about what’s next, where I’d rather be, who I’d rather be. I remember in high school, I was honestly pretty miserable most of the time because all I thought about was being somewhere and someone else. In reality though, when I look back on my life in high school, it was actually really great. I have many good memories and stories, I just didn’t appreciate it enough at the time. Instead, I wallowed in my own misery for literally no reason. Each phase will end, whether you want it to or not. Soon, I’ll be done with college and enter a new phase in my life, and I’m glad I’ve grown up to be more appreciative, more present, and more in love with myself and my life now. Appreciate and be present in whatever phase you’re in now, because it will be gone and different tomorrow. 

☽ Play. Growing up doesn’t mean losing that childhood innocence, your sense of adventure, or your playfulness. If anything, you’ll need your child-like energy more and more the older you get. For a while, I took adulthood way too seriously. I have the blessing of working with kids, and they remind me everyday to laugh and not take things too seriously. Many of my friends, as well as myself, have experienced crippling anxiety throughout our teenage years, because life is fucking hard and scary. Sometimes you need to walk barefoot in the grass, roll down a hill, blow bubbles, watch cartoons, eat candy, and imagine you’re a mermaid. Getting into the rave scene and culture are one of the main things that have also reminded me of this. It’s amazing to see all kinds of people, grown ups from the real world, gather wearing shiny, silly clothes, and glitter to dance and vibe together. We need things like this to remind us life doesn’t have to be so serious all the time, and to allow us to judge less and love more. Remembering this and embracing that innocent, playful energy will unlock so much creativity, compassion, and imagination you have within you. 

☽ Life is full of paradoxes. My favorite one is that life is short, but it’s also so long. You’re here now, and you don’t know if you will be tomorrow, so live a life you’re proud of and leave a mark on the world and the people around you. Be exactly who you want to be remembered as. At the same time, it’s important to remember that there is no rush. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will get to places better than what you even imagined. Take it slow. There’s this cultural attitude of needing to finish school and get a job as soon as possible to be happy and successful. As real as this is, it’s also bullshit because there’s so much more to us than that. Why rush into getting a 9-5 job when you’ll have until you retire to work and make money? You’re told to get AP credits, take more classes, and you’re praised if you graduate early. But for what? Take a gap year if you need it, take less classes if you’re overwhelmed. Take your time because there’s no reason to chase material things and undermine the quality of your learning and the quality of your life. I’ll probably be 25-30 before I finish my degrees, but it’s okay because there are endless opportunities for learning, making money, and growing in a real and authentic way until then. 

☽ Move your body everyday. Something as simple as going on a walk in the morning or doing 20 mins of yoga can improve your life and make you feel better. From insomnia, to depression and anxiety, to physical pain/chronic illness, I’ve seen movement and exercise change lives for the better. We all know exercise releases endorphins, which can boost your mood, help reduce physical pain, even boost your memory and focus. Our culture is obsessed with aesthetics, and working out can suck if you don’t feel great about your body. It’s easy to compare yourself to insta fitness models or experienced yogis, but everything is a process, you have to start somewhere and you have to start with a goal of just feeling healthier and happier. For the longest time I just did ab workouts and squats because I wanted a certain body, but I realized eating food I liked, and doing a simple and easy yoga routine some days felt better than forcing myself to workout and eat healthy. Throw away the scale, don’t count calories or protein, don’t look for physical changes. Move your body in a way that feels good, eat whatever you’re craving, take care of yourself from a place of love and authenticity, and you’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel on a regular basis. Plus, the gains and strength will come along, too. I’m still working on this as well, but swimming, doing yoga, and going to the gym have helped me feel stronger, sleep better, and have less back pain from my scoliosis.

☽ Go outside. You came from the earth, and to the earth you will return. Feel the sun on your skin, the cool water on your feet, the rocks and sand through your fingers. Connecting with nature, not only by physically being outside more, but also eating more naturally, has beautiful effects that are hard to even describe. The earth has everything we could need as humans, she gives abundantly and has the power to heal us. As humans, we need to spend time with nature, the man-made society and structures we live within can sustain us, but we will never be able to connect, be as conscious, or be whole without returning to our roots. I like to have plants, sage, palo santo, and crystals in my room so I can have more connectivity to earth even when I’m indoors. The relaxing, euphoric effects from spending time outside and in nature cannot be felt or imitated with anything else. It is so grounding and uplifting at the same time, and connecting to the earth is definitely on of the main things that has improved my life. Also travel. See as much of the earth as possible. It will teach you things that nothing else can. 

☽ Meditate. Write. Listen to music. Read books. Expand yourself through multiple avenues by trying new things. I never thought I’d be into crystals or meditating or any of this spiritual shit, but instead of judging myself or others, I just decided to give it a few tries. Meditating is amazing because in a world where our brains and eyes are constantly being given information, fed images, and told what to think, it can be so hard to even hear your own thoughts and feelings over all the noise. We also live in a ‘productivity’ culture, so taking a few minutes out of your day to simply sit with yourself and breathe can be so necessary and useful. Meditating reduces my anxiety, makes me a better person to be around, and helps me deal with situations and make decisions from a place of clarity. It also helps me feel closer to myself, so I trust myself and my decisions more and overthink less. Journaling and writing has the same affect. I like to make gratitude lists in my journal, and manifest goals by writing them out after I meditate. This can seem really out there, but meditating and journaling can make some serious shit happen in your life. You’ll be amazed at the calm it brings you and when things you manifest become reality...whoa. Music and reading are also extremely elevating. I could write a whole other post on those two things alone and the incredible benefits they’ve brought into my life. Listen to an artist or genre different from what you usually listen to. Read a book you normally wouldn’t, just for fun. It’s incredible how much these simple acts of stepping outside your norms will allow you to expand and grow.

☽ Cannabis and psychedelics. If you’ve read this far, that’s amazing and why I’ve saved this fun point for last! I started smoking weed in high school, like many people, and I fell in love right away because I felt how it helped me relax, reduce anxiety, and sleep better. But it wasn’t until the past several months that I really began embracing cannabis as my medicine. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve had chronic back pain and anxiety, and nothing has helped me more than cannabis. It has also helped me gain weight (I was underweight for many years), so I am much healthier and happier now. Weed makes me a better person to be around and it has improved the quality of my life so much. Thankfully, it is becoming more and more acceptable in our country/culture, I even had the exciting experience of buying from a dispensary recently. It really bothers me when people think of weed as a ‘dangerous drug,’ because it is the most amazing, healing plant medicine. I’ve also had a few acid trips and tried Molly in the past year, and psychedelics did and still do intimidate me, but they are so powerful. Tripping isn’t going to make you ‘find yourself,’ but it can be a really useful tool in your journey for expanding your consciousness, your creativity, and allowing you to feel more love and openness. Cannabis and psychedelics help me shed my outer layer, one of anxiety, judgement, shyness, and normativities. Instead, allowing my mind to elevate and be open to love, new perspectives, and a deeper connection to the world around me. I truly believe if used properly, these things can have immense benefits and improve lives. 

I’m no expert in wellness or healing, I just wanted to throw out some mindsets and activities in particular that have helped improve my life immensely. I’m on my journey, just like everyone else, learning and growing everyday. I am so grateful for the woman I am blossoming into, and I never even imagined being able to feel as much love and joy as I do. I hope you were able to take something away from these points, and if anyone would like more specific suggestions, from books to yoga to music, please let me know!