#i am SO confident in this as a theory i really think ive got it

[tadpoleboy]

Official locked tomb theory: (spoilers obviously)

Alecto is the afterlife, it's her job to love & guide every soul

This is why she loves you, & john, this is why she surrounded every soul so loudly that john couldn't even make them out

When that nun killed herself, he triggered the bombs bc he needed more deaths to see her, to get to her ("Gideon was already dead anyway")

She was angry bc he killed 10 billion of her souls, & he was scared at the realization of her anger

When he took control of her, he took control of the river, that's why no one moves on anymore (as Abigail suggested, they're completely ignoring souls ability to move on, John wants to be able to bring anyone back when ever he wants) this is why he can build in the river, & why it's so polluted (think on the theme of the world ending originally bc of pollution (climate change) this reflects that same thing, carried on by john)

She was originally called AL bf Alecto gained popularity, if I'm right, AL stands for afterlife

[oceanlipgloss]

11.1.2024

—nsfw (do bless your eyes, your hearts and your minds)

I checked the introductory screen to the final H-scene of Chapter 4, and I think I'm going to dress in drag and do the hula spin like a vinyl. I think I've seen the light, seen a vision. My people, I predict that this H-scene will most ardently come for my ass (edit 1: it didn't come for my ass, it WRECKED it. This was heavenly, this was a pleasure, this was a gift from God. Everyone, I present to you the most unhinged reaction to an H-scene I've ever had so far)

edit 2: the original post got flagged because yours truly loved the CG so much she didn't crop it, so this is a repost. The CG deserved to be seen goddammit I'll never forgive you for this, Tumblr🖕🏼

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ´ˎ˗

intro: HE REALLY? HE WHAT? HUHHHH? HIS TONGUE, PEOPLE THE FUCKING QUOTE, PEOPLE

update I: these past few H-scenes have been especially confusing timeline-wise. For instance, this one began when everyone was at the hospital, even though MC has already been taken away by Leamas. It seemed more logical to me to interpret that it somehow happened before Leamas took MC with him—which still doesn't quite make 100% sense, mind you, because Bimet's H-scene took place then, so...I'm not too sure about this. Then there's how Belial was apparently unwell up until that point, so how could he have managed to do the deed with MC? Then again, perhaps devils heal at a faster pace than humans do, and that would be perfectly sensible because devils are immortal, and since they aren't humans their bodies must have functions and rates that differ than those of human bodies.

update II: oh thank fuck Jjyu isn't here and probably won't be there when it's time to...lend MC a helping dick hand because that would've been a threesome as cursed as this sentence

update III: DOPE. This is how they're going to communicate, now is it? It will be so sensual when the time comes

update IV: so he HAS healed, which I'm guessing means he's going too screw MC into next week, because bro, that CG snippet on the intro screen? It's got 'I will make you scream' written all over it. It gave me the impression that Belial is intense and playful when it comes to sex, which would in turn mean that he's the gentle type that turns mercilessly naughty in bed. Iswtg if that's the case I'm going to screech. I'm on my knees praying I'm right because my God, can you imagine how ruthlessly sexy that would be? Also, Satan and Sitri's enthusiasm to help again is most welcome please, each book your appointment and be MC's guest, and Zagan should do the same it's so cute how they desperately want to do this with her again

update V: aw MC is relieved by the fact that Belial is feeling better. I'm glad, I really love when she worries for them and cares about them

update VI: OH GOD I am going to love this. He's so bold and straightforward and efficient ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I guess my little 'theory' is going to be on point

update VII: for the love of all that's holy please please I have so much to say already. The way he's caressing her skin? The way he begins by stroking her body only to suddenly stop at a certain spot and write? The way he so confidently asks why she's shivering when he already knows the answer is him? Belial, you're messing with my mind so well right now

update VIII: he likes the boobies lol

update IX: meek and gentle, you say? He's a gentle weapon of mass destruction, that's what he is and don't you think it would've been funny if they had kept Jjyu on his horn? I'm glad they didn't

update X: my God this has BARELY begun and I'm already feeling things because this is criminally sensual God please Belial I think you're going to make it big bigtime in my favourite characters club

update XI: nonononono he's too much he's too good he's too sexy I am NOT dealing well I am NOT fine THIS IS EXACTLY MY CUP OF TEA AND THE TEACUP IS OVERFLOWING DO YOU UNDERSTAND???

update XII: SEND HELP SEND HELP SEND

update XIII: not him writing on her shoulder with his left hand while his right wrecks her. Not them describing his fingers. Not me having a thing for hands. I AM GOING WILD HE'S LITERALLY A NAUGHTY DREAM I TELL YOU

update XIV: good god. Good lord. DEAR GOD. DEAR LORD. The writer(s) must have taken a dip pun intended inside my mind for inspiration for this scene because HOW THE FUCK DOES EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM AND EVERY DAMN THING HE'S DOING MAKE ME TINGLE

update XV: AAAAAAAADNLSKSJSNSJKS HOT DAMN I TOLD YOU, HE'S MISCHIEVIOUS AND HOT AND SEXY AND

update XVI: ignore saucy sassy MC and let us all revere Belial for a moment. In casual times, he's gentle and soft and gives off that aura because that's just how he is, but LOOK at him now. HE IS SHOWING HER NO MERCY. HE IS INTENT ON DESTROYING US ALL. That kind of difference in attitude between default mode and sex mode wrings my guts and tickles my heart into overdrive. MMMMM

update XVII: mercy mercy mercy MERCY this is what I was telling you THIS IS WHAT I WAS SAYING

update XVIII: now this? It deserves a screenshot of its own because. THAT EXPRESSION ON A SEEMINGLY GENTLE MAN. THAT TONGUE. THOSE WORDS BEING WRITTEN ON HER BODY BY THAT SEEMINGLY GENTLE MAN. He wants to hear her fall apart for him and that's it I'm done for and the fact that he himself can't talk makes this touching despite what's going down and how in the name of fuck is she even managing to keep quiet anyways TELL ME???

update XIX: GRAAAAAAAAAAA write as much as you want write AS MUCH AS YOU WANT

update XX: my brain is melting like a blob of ice cream like a scoop of ice cream whatever it is man because it's too hot, it's too hot

update XXI: oh man oh man OH MAN I DON'T EVEN HAVE WORDS ANYMORE BUT IDC IF PEOPLE CALL WHAT HE'S SAYING WEIRD I LIKE IT except the sweat part and someone please explain how she's still being able to focus on what he's writing on her skin at this point unless the writings send signals to her mind and her mind reads them on its own

update XXII: he scares me. He is terrifyingly perfect. He's the whole package. THE WHOLE. FUCKING. PACKAGE. She's skilled at swallowing what though And him complimenting her voice is a stake to the heart, I find it sad but so sweet and heartwarming all at the same time

update XXIII: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THE CG THE FUCKING CG THE

update XXIV: BRUUUUUUUH this is this is this is so unique and artistic and sensual and the details alluding to how he was feeling while he was writing omfg like 'some words were scribbled in a hurry and other sentences were written clearly and tenaciously' and oh my god I AM FUCKING EATING RIGHT NOW *nitpicks* she did hear Belial talk before though, like when he said Solomon's name on his own, so the 'never heard his voice' doesn't really add up. Yes, she didn't hear his voice as it should have been in its healthy state, but she did somewhat hear him talk

update XXV: I AM LOOKING AT HIM I AM LOOKING (edit 3: I am so salty that I had to crop this. Saltier than salt itself, truth be told) AND WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING BEING SO PERFECT AND SENSING HOW SHE'S FEELING LIKE THAT

update XXVI: GODDDDDD GOOD GODDDDD I love how MC is so reactive to him like she's HUNGRY for him and desperate for more even though he's going hella fast already and then him getting turned on even more because she wants him and the fact that she's writing on his body now too I'M AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

update XXVII: the atmospherical descriptions of how the silence I am once again asking to know how MC is being quiet enhanced the sound of the rustling sheets and...other things? Mhm

update XXVIII: 'moaning in the arms of a man who scribbled ticklish words on you' romantic and carnal come together and yours truly poofs out of existence

update XXIX: MC ik you're hanging on to the remaining crumbs of your sanity by your fingernails but pls don't shout in his ears, that has to be unpleasant like 'I THINK I'M GONNA CUM BELIAL DO YOU COPY'

update XXX: bro he's done with the railing but he's STILL railing this is so hot it's illegal like they're done but he hasn't pulled out dammittttttt I feel bad for the devils though, MC gets to experience the best orgasmic fireworks of her life, but the demons never get to satisfy their own needs even though they enjoy it lol makes me think, it must be heavenly hell for a human woman trying to conceive with a male demon because damn bro that stamina is a monster the stamina's not the only monster

update XXXI: LMFAO THE WAY THEY DESCRIBE IT they make it seem like a happy creature lol they sure have a knack for describing dicks

update XXXII: you mean all THREE of us, Belial. ALL THREE OF US. I also cannot get over how bold and straightforward he is, and the fact that he's often gentle and quiet makes him brutal fr

update XXXIII: the nerve on this man. The NERVE. First he kicks my kneecaps, then he does this

update XXXIV:...ik the sex was mind-shattering, earth-splitting, cum-splatting, but how do you even not notice something like that how can that be possible

update XXXV: excuse me while I go scream like a fucking maniac. He likes this so much he doesn't want to free the girl. What a winner GOD BLESS This was pretty much decided from just before he and MC broke their contract and then when he wiped MC's tears after the broken contract, now even more early on in this H-scene scene, but he very obviously made it to the top ranks in my favourite characters club. With that being said, welcome to the club, Belial lol

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ´ˎ˗

+note: that was an experience. The duality of his character played a number on my heart and mind. And maybe not even duality per se, but more so a secret side he only shows in moments of intimacy. Either way, what an amazing scene. It was artistic and overwhelmingly sensual, yet maintained the perfect balance between intense, gentle, playful and erotic.

I also adored the concept of silence and the slight hint to his discophilia—the silence allowed MC to hear new things and listen to sounds that were embarassingly clear—it was very unique.

And the artistic touch to this! It was so innovative altogether—he couldn't talk, but he let his thoughts and actions glow on her body and speak much too boldly for him instead.

Needless to say, I was obviously losing my marbles and enjoying this a biiit too much. I loved it so much where do I even begin

[commander-gloryforge]

hm (kinda a rant/vent/i just wanna get things off my chest and actually TALK about whats been bothering me)

so. theres this person that has kind of been the cause of my recent mental lows/imposter syndrome getting worse/fear of connecting to people and general distance from literally every community i enter. i think ive ranted about them before. theyre a writer and in a community i used to be active in, and in the beginning i got along pretty well with them because we both enjoyed similar themes and metaphors in our writing but they ended up kind of dropping me, coincidentally at the same time they gave my actual writing/current wip a shot, and ever since then theyve been sub posting about me in really weird and elitist ways and it kind of had ruined my spirit, especially considering that i did really look up to them as a writer since theyre very into actual technicalities, writing theory, they speak about writing very academically. their odd vague posting ended up seriously knocking down my confidence and ive been spiraling into this strange mindset ever since that i’m incredibly stupid/can never improve/am not a real or proper writer by virtue of the things i write. they talk highly about writing techniques and concepts every writer needs to know, very subtly punch down at those who dont seem to know, yet dont care to make that knowledge easy to understand or accessible to obtain.

on top of that theyve been getting quite close with another new friend i made recently thats very dear to me and seeing them talk about things i cant seem to keep up with because i am too ‘stupid’ has just made me very anxious and brought up old feelings and fears that ive worked very hard on to let go off. this person is keeping me from interacting with a community i love because i cant seem to get ovr the fact that some people just dont like me, because im getting paranoid, because i think their every word is directed towards me, because theyre popular and well liked and everyone always agrees with them, even when what they say goes against what what i do and like.

it really sucks, its been bothering me so much, especially the fact that i cant just let it go. that i cant just ignore them and move on and do what i like without feeling like its wrong or cringe or weird. everytime i think im ready to go back i suddenly see them talking again with my friends that have offered me so much support whenever ive opened up about my struggles and now they suddenly agree and praise that person for having opinions that directly oppose me and the things they were so keen on supporting me on.

but recently i remembered something they said. they said that they dont want to be self indulgent in their writing, that ‘there’s nothing necessarily wrong with self indulgence but it reflects in the writings quality’, that you can ‘tell’ and they dont like that. when they first posted that i just read it and went. oh :( my writing is self indulgent :( does this reflect in my quality as well? is that why they dropped my writing and me, because i like being loud about self indulgence and cringe? and now i remembered that post, and suddenly it kind of clicked

this person very obviously does not write for the same reason as i do. they very obviously do not feel about writing thhe way i feel about it. they talk about it as though it is a science. like its something that needs to be perfected. now, it’s clear that they do love writing, that they have a passion for it, and their technical knowledge very much reflects on their art- and that impresses people. im not like that. i want to learn writing techniques and i want to improve my craft and i want to be taught, properly so, i obviously want to be a good writer, and im going to be a little self obsessed and say that i am a good writer, or at least not a bad one. but there is a difference in how each of us sees writing.

i want to be self indulgent. i want to write what i love. i fucking love writing and story telling and yes, the fact hat my writing is self indulgent does impact the quality of my work, because it makes it better. i am passionate about my worlds and stories and characters because its exactly what i want it to be and thats why is fucking good. because it makes me want to put effort in and learn how to get better. i dont write for a grade, i dont write to make something perfect and deep and meaningful and serious, i dont write to impress someone, i dont write to squeeze as many smart things and references to classic literature in as i can, i write because i want to fucking write what i like.

so im stupid. so im cringe and bad and insecure and a loser and i dont fit into the good writers club but at least what i write makes me happy. whatever. let some fucking whimsy into your life and stop treating me like im an idiot for having different motivations than you.

[merakimegumi]

bnha chapter 362 has emotionally scarred me and i don't think i'll really recover from this. ever. so, major spoilers for bnha 362 under the cut, because i have thoughts, and i decided to not confine them to my friend's dms for once.

from a person who was a bakugo hater from the beginning of bnha to the sports festival arc, where i began to appreciate his character a little more, to eventually becoming a bakugo lover because i genuinely think he's one of the best written characters, i am d e v a s t a t e d.

i have a track record of liking characters that usually end up dead later on in the series, and this usually ranges from villains to protags to just side characters, and i think this is the most pain/surprise i've felt at one.

bakugo dying was honestly was one of the biggest plot twists ive seen horikoshi execute, because i genuinely do not think anyone expected it? i have never once seen a "bakugo dying" theory, although i'm sure some (or many) exist. whenever i thought of the ending of bnha, i always expected bakugo to be there at the end with deku (which i think was the general consensus of the fandom as well), and it was honestly shocking to see that image shattered by this chapter.

ofc, im saying all of this on the assumption that he's permanently dead, and with no malicious intent or hate to horikoshi for his decision - funnily enough, my favourite character dying is exactly what's gotten me back into actively wanting to keep up with the final arc, especially since my other favourite characters, dabi and todoroki, had what i considered an underwhelming face off (but i still think there's more to come on that front, or, at least, i hope.)

i also think the circumstances around bakugo's death were extremely sad.

his last thoughts were him wondering if he would ever catch up to deku, and that honestly broke my heart. i, personally, never paid much thought to how inferior (?) he had felt to deku in terms of their standing with all might, quirks wise, etc, after their conversation at ground zero that time (which is easily one of my favourite scenes in the whole show). the spotlight kind of faded away from that and onto other things and povs, so i kind of just assumed it was done and over with. bakugo was atoning, trying his best to help deku, cared for him in his own way, and it felt like he was growing and had become a lot more sure of himself, which is he had, and always had been in himself.

after all, this is the kid who went into that sports festival saying he would place first and actually did it.

it's even worse when i realised that bakugo nearly died, and then actually died, to the one person who technically saw him as nothing more than midoriya's best friend - he died to the one person in who's eyes he was never out of his friend's shadow.

but to a lot of other people, he hadn't been in midoriya's shadow. all might may have seen them as a package deal, and also focused more on midoriya for obvious reasons, but i doubt he ever considered bakugo to be secondary or inferior to midoriya. bakugo made himself known and was acknowledged by all of his peers as his own person.

he also had great mentors, like jeanist, who clearly cared for the boy and also acknowledged him as his own person with his own personality, techniques, dreams and goals.

personally, the most heartbreaking acknowledgement was aizawa screaming for someone to save bakugo so that he could become the number one hero in the future (chpt. 360, i think). i think i broke at that point, before bakugo even died.

bakugo had confidence in himself, but perhaps it was fragile when it came to this, and ofc i doubt he had much time to focus on himself aside from training and fighting, seeing as there was a war going on. maybe hearing it from shigaraki just made him wonder again.

i also think the whole sun eater pov in the previous chapter was quite nice to read. and then i got hit with the bakugo dying one chapter later, and that's when it really sunk in that that they were just kids, and even then it's just slightly older kids (the ua big three) fighting to save this one kid who's on the verge of death.

and, well, now bakugo isn't getting a graduation. lol, but like, in pain.

i, do, however, hold out hope for a comeback, possibly soon. not an entire revival, but aside from the "nitroglycerin has revival properties" theories, bakugo was interrupted in the middle of very explosive moves and combos, twice, by shigaraki. i don't think that won't have consequences, and i can only pray that he has an impact even after he's passed on.

in that way, i also felt like i should have expected bakugo to die, but i didn't. in a way, it makes sense. he's one of the main characters who's powerful and impactful emotionally to both the readers and the characters. his conflict with deku just ended, and they reconciled. bakugo gave his apology to deku, and had been atoning for ages before. we didn't get many panels or much spotlight on him after the vigilante arc, and the second we did, i should've seen it coming.

he's been extremely well written and gone through several arcs of character development - and, well, i don't think there's a lot more hori could have done with him, but i think everything is fine if he'd continued being a character just existing with the amount of development he did go through. like, it's alright to stagnate at that point, if that makes sense.

(sighs heavily) honestly, maybe me liking a character is a curse that immediately kills them /j

speaking of them just be kids, though, i think this panel broke me entirely with no hope for resuscitation (like bakugo ahaha /j) :

he's just a kid. like. damn.

also, when we all expected bakugo to have a connection to the second user, i didn't think it'd be like this, and end up with him dying 😭.

and speaking of ofa users, im looking forward to seeing deku absolutely losing it.

i have no idea what the point of this very wordy post was. i guess the only conclusion is that user merakimegumi loves bakugo very much and is quite devastated at his death, but holds out some hope for a revival. i wouldn't even be mad if horikoshi brought him back (maybe storytelling wise, maybe, but i think i'd mostly just cry from relief).

anyways, i still have more thoughts but it's 5 am, i'm procrastinating something, and i'm not able to think quite clearly.

funnily enough, though, a lot of good things have happened after that chapter tho. like damn, bakugo died before bsd S4 released? that's kind of funny 😭 /j

welp, gn.

end.

[toerrishumansodontbeone]

.

Everywhere else seems too shameful to share(though I did anyway) & elaborate on, because those places are full of legitimate knowledgeable pros/artists, but uhhhh,

so I think I want to become a tattoo artist?

But seeing as I am the person that I am, living in the place that I am, knowing the language as badly as I do and having the anxiety that I do that makes it appear even more basic, I don't think I really can go the traditional route of studio apprenticeships.

And the loud majority of studio tattooers will of course tell you to never ever how even dare you try to do ANY tattooing on your own!!!! To the point of actively discouraging even buying a machine at all, even just for practice skins. Just draw a lot and go spend 1-3 years in an unpaid grueling apprenticeship where maybe they'll let u do something in a year or so uwu (tho there are also ppl fighting the gatekeeping) ( n some apprentices Ive seen whove started doing serious practice within a few months)

But yea so,,, thats why tbh it feels embarrassing to even mention me wanting to, even though on the other hand thats also.... the way to put any sort of attention on you, to garner interest from prospective mentors and amass future clients....... but also god its nerve wrecking thinking some local pro is looking at my stuff with disdain and mockery.

It just sucks how much language is a barrier for me. I'm not confident enough to just barge in talking in english even if they prob know the language fine enough.

Ontop of that its kinda sad I had all this sustained motivation for several days in a row but then I made the mistake of posting some little designs online. Because I was excited about it I of course expected excitement back. A response! A showering of praise and acceptance!

But the need for social validation is a poisonous pit and it never gives back quite what you give it. I knew it would not give me the validation and would ruin things and make me doubt myself and still I was hopeful and wanted it to be different and maybe a little bit more like the old times,,,

Its so hard to keep up my own confidence, as essential as it is to human psychology. I cant even create those little wins to sustain any real growth in myself. I just keep regressing and becoming worse. Im a hermit but one that doesnt even have any real community to turn to even online..........ughhhhhhh.

This is a very unstructured ramble, but its felt so fruitless having all these thoughts clogging my brain and nobody to talk to about them.

I dont know. Now I suddenly got back into writing and making more significant progress on my story/possibly novella.

and inbetween I thought more and more of how tattoo artist is the antithesis of me. I cannot pull my own clients, I cannot talk to people and make them want to keep coming back for my company, I could not do the receptionist duties for an apprenticeship, I do not even have an appropriate space to tattoo if it ever came to that AND renting even v small offices is stupid expensive at first glance. So I could not start doing that without already having a steady stream of clients.

Tattooing feels like a level of responsibility I could handle, it feels like it would be an interesting new craft to explore, w techniques to master, a different kind of self expression........ but thats all idyllic theory. No career path really fits me and it comes back down again to me being so unable to change my social ineptitude. Its such a waste how I had some modicum of comfort and progress in that sphere my last few years in Latvia,, and it fell apart just because it was so unsustainable financially......... N now that Ive been comfortably settled for a while in austria, just being financially stable and comfortable isnt enough...

Insanely Ive been wondering if the economy has evened out some in LV that I could come back.......but theres no way I would even physically *survive* through some unpaid apprenticeship there.....

[xodarbiox]

OKAY OKAY OKAY!

so hi tumblr, long time no see. im now obsessed with yellowjackets and as of lastnight have seen all the eps to air so far.  SPOILERY.. so if your not caught up... read at own risk Although a little creepy for my liking (the eye episode) im loving the show.  what im mainly obsessed with is who the antler people are.  so ive shared a bunch of posts from that scene and similar.  theory time. and please add yours too if you have some or add to mine.  Mari is the one in the pit... i was trying to find black haired girls and there are only a few. My first through was Lottie. but in recent episodes since shes embraced her visions shes become more confident and powerful which makes me think shes the leader, especially more since doomcoming.  now if i am wrong and it is lottie, then maybe its a vision of what is to come? now to the theory about how they select the next victim.  perhaps most of them voted that it will be random, and to give the person a chance they are to run? put in next to nothing and then kinda hunted.  ORRRRR there is 2 groups now. and this girl was separated and put into a hunted situation and let go and this is the results?  along with the scenes where the antler tribe get up to leave.  We already know misty is the one with the long fur drape over her face. she is to the left in the gif i posted.  If lottie is center Queen (because she has visions so Van and the others put her as leader) i think van is to the right, the face coverings the way she had it in Doomcoming maybe is done like that for a reason.  in the promo shots. I thought maybe the little brother is in that too.  I think Van will side with Lottie (the queen in my theory) and Tai is on the other team. separated by survival and a willingness to do what they need to do.  Akilah is someone i havent really factor in due to me not really remembering them in much of the story.  Now to who got out alive.  So far we see Nat, Shauna, Tai, Travis, Misty. --we know misty is on the Antler tribe, but the others...? We know Jackie gets back, according to a reddit post i read, in her journal that Shauna reads through on the birthday, there is movie references from years later. so unless someone wrote in things she might have liked years later, she likely got out of there, and either Committed Sui___, vanished off like travis did but didnt tell her folks, maybe Shauna is responsible. I dont think the little brother is alive in the future or someone would have told him about Travis (misty was all for tracking them down) ORRRRR he is the one behind the murder... (he did go to the séance late to “see what everyone is laughing about”) Shauna is my main suspect for all things odd. We have Tai with her sleeping thing thats been passed onto the son. so shes got an obvious issue.  Nat and her addiction, again, another obvious issue. Misty is all kinds of fucked up nutty, but her reasoning is she does shit so people need her and rely on her. she needs to feel needed. She might be crazy, but its again, obvious.  Shauna killed someone, she sliced into rabbits and deer and isnt too phased at all. She is the silent type you generally have to look out for, ANDDDDD she was the first to be cast and the first on the credit thing on the intro. (if im not mistaken) just makes me think she was cast first because she is secretly leading the entire story.  however it all went down. much like on lost. at the end of it all, no matter what happened while they were there, they all come together to protect eachothers secrets even if they didnt actually do anything bad. thats why even if some of the 2021 women didnt actually cross that line they are still in contact. (think of the attitude the 3 woman have in the later season episodes where they are there for eachother but really arent friendly, but still care)  --one more theory about the 2 group thing, maybe in the beginning someone went missing, groups split up to look, dead of winter, one group finds the missing person and they are dead or close to it, they figure there is no point wasting good meat and only bring back the meat, feed the other group but then its revealed how they got the meat and thats how the 2 groups part... if you have read to this point. thanks. i hope you add to my theories and share some of your own. if not then this is just a way for me to write down my throughts of the show. coz i dont know anyone else who watches it. nor becomes obsessed with shows like this. all the questions and clues to follow.  till next week when i hope they actually expand on the opening scene a bit more. 

[ichayalovesyou]

Spock & Pike :D

I don’t think I can stress enough how EXCITED I am by the potential of Strange New Worlds has for showing a really awesome, wholesome, healthy father-son relationship between Captain Pike and (Lieutentant? Or possibly Lt. Junior Grade) Spock. I mean, Spock’s gonna be in his early thirties, and that is barely an adult by Vulcan standards (which I’d imagine put him at a physical age of 25ish with his mixed heritage) regardless, he’s still pretty young! Him baby!

Something that caught me off guard that actually rubbed me the right way about Spock & Pike (and to a smaller extent Spock & Una) despite on the surface seeming out of character, is that he’s visibly happier and more relaxed around them! The fact that he admitted to smiling when Pike basically comes to rescue him speaks VOLUMES. I mean, he wouldn’t admit anything resembling that to Jim or Bones until they had been friends with him for years!

I mean by the time we get to TOS, Spock still struggles with a lot of inner-conflict and has trouble opening up to people. And we kinda get a small taste of how much worse that was for him when he was younger through Discovery (TAS and the AOS movies too). He’s still more stable and confident in himself in TOS than anywhere else beforehand, and considering Sarek isn’t... a great dad. I can only imagine Pike (and Una too probably!) had a LOT to do with it.

Pike seems like exactly the kind of mentor/father figure Spock would need to get where he is! There’s so much love that’s clearly there already (the unusually emotional display from Spock, Pike calls Spock “our boy” to his mom and older sister for crying out loud!) I only think it’s almost a shame that we aren’t seeing the first Pike five-year-mission to see how we got from the way he is in the turbolift with Una to where we see his and Pike’s relationship in Disco. Although I’m sure we’ll get flashbacks considering how intensely important Talos IV is to Pike’s arc.

Plus, it’s so rare, that you get to see a well done, healthy father-son type character relationship in TV shows these days, or at least not ones where the mentor doesn’t immediately die or turn evil (or something between). We already know what happens to Pike occurs after he & Spock part ways so there’s no risk of that in Strange New Worlds. (I actually have a theory that Spock does find out Pike already knows will happen to him, which has TONS of character development potential, such as Spock’s “the needs of the many” doctrine having some more heartbreaking context. It’d also give the conversation they have at the beginning of The Menagerie more depth, but I digress.)

Even Star Trek barely touches on that kind of character dynamic (and the only healthy one that comes to mind is Sisko and Jake, and if you want something even MORE sidelined, Rom & Nog) Star Trek does love it’s daddy issues, this would be an interesting change of pace. It would be the first time we’d get to see that sort of thing happen between two major characters in a Star Trek show (I feel that it’s clear by the promo pics that Pike, Una & Spock are intended to be SNW’s “triumvirate”). I would just love to see it, especially since SNW has promised a lighter, more optimistic Starfleet than what we’ve been getting lately.

[lcnelyinthesky]

admiration - tsukishima kei

a/n: okay hi?? im ellie?? heres this??? i worked on it for like four? days?on and off? and its longer than any oneshot ive written but yk shes cute ig. pls be nice pls enjoy... but also my last piece got 2 notes and im really hopin in not shadowbanned here lmao

genre: fluff, angst, rivals to lovers!!

pairing: bisexual!female!reader x tsukishima kei (yes bi reader its a vibe)

warnings: a break up with a beautiful woman i made up myself, swearing

word count: 3.7k (ahhhh!!)

enjoy!! :D

Elementary second year. Your newly-assigned seat was next to a much taller, blond kid. He was smart and bright, rivaling the sun in terms of unbridled joy. Now, none of that can be seen by eight year old eyes, but looking back and comparing, it's easy to spot that he changed. 

Tsukishima Kei was an excitable kid, just as everyone was, but he was still snarky; his arrogance seemed to be something that just festered within his soul, no matter the trauma that brought it out. 

Childlike wonder is still alive and well at eight. 

The teacher you had back then was quite rude. She was pushy and angry, and she assigned way too much homework. Everything she uttered made you huff in disappointment, crossing your arms and hoping for some sort of reaction from someone. The kid next to you was named Koji--or, at least, that's what you called him. He was your best friend, spending every moment with you like you were siblings. You'd be able to crack a joke with the smallest glance and you’d talk constantly. As soon as your handwriting was legible to people of your age group, you'd pass notes back and forth and cackle at their contents. Until, of course,

“Tsukishima, will you switch seats with Kojikata today?” Your teacher sounded exhausted, huffing her sentence out on a sigh before going back to the multiplication tables on the board. Suddenly, your little world was interrupted.

“Y/N, right?” He didn’t look at you, placing his folders down on the desk and pushing his glasses back up as he sat. His words were hushed and quiet, but the class had moved into individual work--he wasn’t interrupting anyone.

“Yeah. Can I call you Tsukki?” You were angry, gripping your pencil tighter in your little hand as you wrote numbers down on white paper. One times one is one. Two times two is four. This is easy.

“No,” he was long doing the same thing, but writing quicker than you. That’s how it is, huh?

Three times two is six. Four times five is twenty. Six times three is eighteen. Five times six is thirty. This is easy-

“Miss, I’m done.” His voice was always so dry. Uninterested. 

Four times three is twelve. “Me too!” Your hand shot up with the paper in it, sending a death glare at the boy next to you.

That's how it is, huh?

This pattern continued for weeks. Tsukishima didn’t move from his seat next to you, as your teacher had made the realization that you worked far harder without friends around. Tsukishima lit a competitive fire under you; everything was now a race.

It started with handing in assignments. Who would go up to the front desk first to have their work checked over? Who would finish this quiz faster? Then it transferred into everything. 

Who would get to class faster? Who finished their lunch quicker? Who could read faster? Who scored higher on spelling tests? Who could run faster in gym class?

And then it was middle school.

Middle school brought in Yamaguchi Tadashi. 

It'd be an understatement to say he warmed to Yamaguchi quickly, but the basis behind that was strange. Tsukishima was never one for friends, even though everyone wanted to be friends with him. He was cool in the eyes of a handful of eleven year olds; letting everything roll off your back seemed to be an admirable trait. Yamaguchi worshipped him, and Tsukishima took him under his wing to teach him the ropes of being a cool kid.

At heart, though, Yamaguchi was kind and attentive. He could tell when things were going wrong, and supposedly it was him that changed the rest of your life.

The rivalry continued just as it had in elementary, just with higher stakes. You'd fight for answering questions first, working ahead of everyone else to just beat him. He’d never bat an eye at it, and sometimes you thought it was all over, but then

“Y/N.” Tsukishima Kei stood three steps behind you, looming over you with the height he was seemingly born with. The hallway was emptying by now, kids walking into their classrooms once again. The white floors rung with the quiet sounds of soft-bottomed shoes and a light above your head flickered calmly.

“Yeah?” You spun around to meet his gaze.

“What’d you get on that lit essay?”

“A 96. Why?”

“No reason,” he smirked and tilted his head up, looking down at you, “I got a 100.”

A huff and a stomp away gave him the answer he needed as he followed you into the classroom, sitting down behind you and next to Yamaguchi just as he did every day. The little shit.

Tsukishima was never better than you, technically speaking. On average and on paper, you were always both roughly the same. You'd fight for being top of the class, the position switching between both of you every day. You excelled in creative things while he excelled at sports, but both of you dabbled in the other. When people in your year began dating, everyone came to assume you two were. It was embarrassing, really, because Tsukishima Kei was a little shit know-it-all who will never beat me at anything ever and people need to stop thinking he will because he won’t I’m better than hi-

“Hey?” Oh right. Friends.

“Koji!” He never left, at least not yet. His nimble fingers tapping on your shoulder brought you back to reality, making you jump and turn around to face him, wrapping your arms around his body for a split second.

“You looked zoned” his face was riddled with concern that was easy to write off.

“Oh, whoops” a small blush heated your cheek as your hand migrated to rub your neck. “Did you want something?”

As you walked into the classroom a bit further, Koji sat on your right; he seemed to buckle down more when you had moved away from each other way back in the day, so there were less mid-class comedy shows. He grew up just as you had, and with the closeness of the two of you people began to think you were dating. At twelve, it was incredibly necessary to date someone--anyone. Theories bounced from everywhere and anywhere and with you it was either your best friend or your biggest rival. Your lack of attraction to either of them became the center of many late night crises. 

“Not particularly,” his gaze switched from you to the board again, beginning to write something down when he turned his head. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah! Of course I am,” you smiled at him, the kind of smile that made your eyes crinkle at the corners, and suddenly it was high school.

-

“Tsukishima is really cute! And he's smart, I heard that Kageyama wasn’t too bright somewhere.”

“But Kageyama’s so much hotter! His being a little dumb sometimes is endearing.”

“Are we not going to talk about that third year setter, Sugawara?”

“No, he’d never go for a first year. Besides, that Hinata kid is more of an enigma.”

“Have you even seen them play?” A howl of angry “yes”s fell over the crowd, trying to prove something. None of them had ever seen them play.

That asshole Tsukishima getting popular felt like a stab in the soul. None of them knew him or how much he sucked, but the amount of girls fawning over him was horrific.

-

There's something consistently poetic about young love, no matter where it comes from. Something extra sweet about holding pinkies in school corridors when no one is looking and seeing them every day, smiling loudly as the sun broke over the horizon all bright and early. The raging hormones and dumb, fake social hierarchies of fifteen make emotions run wild, and only the deeply immature end up helplessly infatuated. Others are more cautious, but there's only so many precautions one can take at fifteen. Sometimes some of us just want to be loved, no matter the sincerity of it.

Cared for, and whatnot. No harm in that, in the long run at least. 

“Y/N, right?” Her name was Mei. She was in your class; 1-4, just like Tsukishima. She was pretty. Long, black hair was preceded by two green streaks at the front. She’d always have those down, making her features look like a photo in a perfect frame. She had a collection of hair clips with small shapes on them that she’d have somewhere on her person at all times. Her more mid-sized body was paler than most, and she was covered in freckles and moles. Her eyes were an unusual shade of blue that looked deep enough to swim in. Her cheeks were always stained with a peachy blush that moved up her collarbones and into her ears, making her look like she was always smiling no matter what her face was doing. Karasuno’s school uniform did wonders for her curves, the skirt swaying up on occasion and making her look so damn perfect.

“Yeah! You’re…” a second of dumbfounded pause felt like years in your mind, coming to the conclusion that she was the most beautiful girl you had ever met. “Ojiro Mei?”

“Yep! I just wanted to tell you you looked really pretty today!” Her voice always had an upward inflection, and was higher than most. It was cute. Incredibly cute.

“Oh.” A moment of confidence fell over you like you weren’t in control of your actions, “you’re beautiful.”

“Thank you very much,” she bounced back on her toes and then rolled back to her heels, hands intertwined behind her back, “You’re too kind, Y/N.” Her sentences were always punctuated with an eye-crinkling smile.

Later that day, you found her on every social media account you could; she messaged you first.

When you don’t know you’re interested in women, it’s hard to notice that they’re flirting with you, but after a handful of supposed gay panic, you asked her on a date.

She was two inches shorter than you, and somehow that persisted no matter what shoes she was wearing. Every small outing with her felt like cloud nine--watching the sunset, small conversation over tea at a nearby cafe, cuddling in your bedroom with only a string of Christmas lights on. She always looked so wonderful in soft lighting, the potential cold of winter disappeared with pale beiges that made her freckles look like stars. Every action Mei ever did was soft and full of care. She could send every single emotion through her fingertips on your jaw, deepening a kiss you started moments before. She was like magic, until she wasn't anymore.

You supposed, when thinking back, that things fell out around month thirteen. The rose colored lenses everything was viewed through faded a bit, and it's easy to notice her pulling away. There were less late night phone calls and less recommended music and less hands running through your hair. Everything has a natural progression to the end, right?

“Do you still feel it?” It was raining. Large drops of water fell down to the floor, smacking the pavement at speeds you couldn’t even try to measure. She was wearing a bright yellow raincoat that looked almost dull in the four pm light. 

“Feel what?”

“Anything, baby.” All of her words ended with a huffed out sigh, like she was tired of something. Lying, maybe. 

You pondered the question, and it seemed like your hesitation gave her all the answer she needed. 

“Ya know, Y/N.” She looked down and grabbed your hands with hers, rubbing her thumbs on your palms as you grabbed around them. “This was fun. We had a good run.”

A solemn tear fell down your cheek at the ending, but there was no use in self pity or anger now. She was so sweet and kind, and it's truly unthinkable how she continued that kindness in the end.

“Yeah. A good run.” The pink in your cheeks grew as you choked out a laugh, pulling her in for one final hug under the dim fluorescent lights on the front door overhang of the school.

Fifteen came and went with love, and when sixteen rolled around you wondered if you’d ever be loved like that again.

-

A spirit can't be broken overnight, and if you’ve spent the last eight years of your life having a strong, consistent rivalry with someone, it won’t leave any time soon. Tsukishima and you were on similar playing fields for most of your life, but you had one thing he didn’t: relationship experience. In that way, you always counted yourself one point higher, like a boy scout badge. 

For a spell, however, your intensity changed. There was nothing more driving you than spite, and there was nothing you wanted more than to beat him. You were well into your second year of high school at this point, and--volleyball notwithstanding--you had wins over Tsukishima. You had seen him play volleyball, every match in his second year, and you deemed he was simply okay. You refused to count his success onto the list of wins for both of you.

June fifteenth. Tournaments were coming up around the corner when it happened, which explained every reason why he was there. You weren’t exactly prepared for the rain, so the best bet seemed to be sitting at the front entrance of Karasuno High School and wallowing in a little bit more self pity before you went home. You were just dumped after all, the tears weren’t done falling. 

The feeling between sadness and shame overflowed you, shades of yellowish green painting the world around you and churning your gut into oblivion. And the tears fell. It felt like a scene in a movie; in a few seconds, a strong, capable man would show up to your rescue.

“Y/N?” what the fuck?

He was sweaty. His face was matte from a light film of saltwater. He had a grey umbrella over his head, keeping himself dry from the still-pelting rain. His six-foot-two frame was covered with a black tracksuit, and he still had his sports goggles on.

Those fucking sports goggles.

“Tsukishima.” you deadpanned, trying to get him away as fast as possible. His words were snarky, as always, but this time laced with concern. Like he actually cared.

“What are you still doing here? It’s almost six,” he stood under the overhang with you, crouching to take a few feet off of his incredible height. 

“Sulking?”

“Ah,” he huffed and sat down next to you, “it’s not great for your posture, ya know.”

“Oh shut up, Tsukishima.”

“Remember when we were eight,” he looked up, studying the moths as they flew around the lights on the ceiling, “and you asked if you could call me Tsukki?”

“Vaguely, but we were eight.”

“Yeah, true” his head dramatically fell to his lap, staring at his knees as he chuckled, “but you can. Call me Tsukki, that is.”

An uncomfortable laugh fell from your lips, and he spoke for you, “this one kid, Koganegawa, the setter on Date Tech, calls me that too. It's not a Tadashi-only nickname anymore.”

“You say Tadashi-only like I wasn’t there first.”

“He never asked.”

“Would you have said no?”

“Probably” he hasn’t actually looked at you yet. 

“Should I not have asked?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Okay, Tsukki” you drew out the last letter, giggling at the situation before you had time to think about your emotions.

He noticed that you weren’t crying anymore and helped you stand, grabbing your hand and pulling you up. Tsukishima and you lived closer than you thought, walking the same direction and only splitting up seconds away from your home.

You walked in silence the whole time, but it was comfortable. While he was your rival, he was always a friend. There was nothing scary or intimidating about him, as is with most people when you’ve known them forever; it was almost like his facade just didn’t work on you. You were huddled close to him to stay out of the rain. 

The second you parted ways, you ran home. The rain was more of a drizzle now, but the temperature began a free fall--getting out of the cold as fast as possible was your first priority. Upon entering the front door and taking off your shoes and jacket, leaving everything to sit in the entryway, you took a shower. The rain didn’t do enough to wash away the pain of the day, and warm steam would let the rest evaporate. The expected unrelenting sadness wasn’t really present as much as was expected, though. Everything felt fine. Content. Okay.

-

And it continued that way. He sent you a snapchat asking if you had gotten home safely, which prompted a memory of you never giving each other your phone numbers. After a quick yes, tsukki. no need to worry ;), you sent him your number asking to play some game.

Whatever is meant to happen does, right? Any excuse for falling for him. You didn’t want to, of course, but things happen. Time changes. Thus, the excuses. Thus, the ignorance. Thus, the five stages of grief. 

It started with the denial, because no Y/N you can’t like Tsukishima Kei. He’s so competitive and mean and snarky and horrible and you hate him! Then, the anger, because Tsukishima sucks and he’s horrible and you’re going to punch him in his stupid cute face. Next, the bargaining, because please don’t let this be happening you’ll do anything to lose these feelings, even if it means letting him win at something. Going into the depression, because all you’ve ever wanted was to be free of this assclown and now you’re stuck thinking about him at three in the morning when you’re supposed to be dreaming about anything other than him. And finally, acceptance, when you scowl at him in the hallway because fuck, you like Tsukishima Kei.

The worst bit of acceptance is getting over it. Now you had to confront your feelings. Now you needed to tell him. 

It was roughly five months since he found you sulking on school grounds, and you regretted most days the way you let him text you every morning. It’d always be something stupid, like a joke about the novel you were reading in lit or sometimes he’d tell you, off hand, something dumb Hinata and Kageyama did at practice. Sometimes he’d text you, within the first twenty minutes of the school day, pointing out something little you did with your hair. They were never really compliments as much as comments; he’d say “your socks have a pink ring at the top” and give you nothing to work with from there. A simple yes would suffice, you always supposed, because “yes, tsukki. they do.”

He’d linger at his desk during the break between classes and would stay there if you didn’t leave, but would leave a few steps behind you if you did. He wouldn’t follow you, but he’d watch to know where you were going. Everything he did was concealed though--you'd only notice if you really wanted to know.

Yamaguchi was the only one to notice, even after a while of it. You’ll never know what he said to his friend, but the conversation you had with the aforementioned friend a day later gives some guesses.

“Y/N?” Tsukishima was never the shy type, and you knew him in the days where everyone was shy. He wasn’t loud, but he was bold. His words were always pointed and important. Everything he did always had purpose and intensity behind it.

“Tsukki?” You were sitting under a tree, enjoying the late spring weather of the beginning of your third year. Nothing became intense yet classwork wise, so there was ample time to chill on the school grounds. Overlooking the soccer field was a large oak tree. It was big enough to comfortably have multiple groups of people under its shade, but it was empty at the moment; save for you and the book you were reading.

“I was just wondering if you’d like to maybe go out sometime?” He somehow didn’t pause while talking, but his words came out more something akin to word vomit. You we’re more shocked than you should have been, if you had picked up on the signs. But you were feeling the same as he was, as far as you could tell.

“Sure, when?” You looked back down at your book for a second, placing the bookmark in it and folding the pages shut.

Tsukishima looked dumbfounded, standing there with his eyes bugged out and his mouth slightly agape. He started making unintelligible babbling noises, hoping to get something out that had any meaning at all. You took the reins instead, gaining confidence in his lack thereof.

“I was planning on getting coffee or something today after school. It gets really cold at night now, huh?”

“Yeah, I suppose.”

“Would you like to join me?”

“There's a break before practice today so” he hesitated, letting the pink in his cheeks finally catch up to the beating in his chest. “Sure.”

You wouldn’t have ever pegged Tsukishima Kei as the flustered type.

-

There was never a drop in conversation, as there never really was between you two. A whole life together and you still had things to talk about, mentioning everything from your individual childhoods to recent developments. Turns out he never knew what genre of books were your favorite. Or what kind of music you listened to. Or what any of your hobbies were. 

Turns out you both had more in common than you thought, competitive spirits notwithstanding. Tsukishima Kei was a strange man in every sense of the word. He was arrogant and snarky and disinterested and bright and passionate and smart. He was your rival, smug look plastered on his smug face making your chest bubble in anger just as it had a million times before--or was that admiration this time? The world may never know. 

All that was real right now was the deck of cards on the table, being separated out into a card game both of you learned as kids. The small, round, cafe table shook with every slap of your hands, but the basis of your relationship would always be competition. It's just that now the anger behind that competition was gone. All that was left was admiration. 

[quillandink333]

Scarlet Carnations ~ Part VII

BotW Link X Zelda ~ Detective AU

Rating: T

Word Count: 4k

WARNINGS: death, murder, loss, trauma, blood and gore, terrorism, organized crime, self-harm

Summary: Inspector Zelda Hyrule, assisted by the faithful Constable Link Fyori, is infamous for cracking the most confounding of cases in a town dominated by crime. Her latest assignment is to solve the murder of her own godmother, Impa Sheikah, the late CEO of Sheikah Tech. Incorporated, while staying under the radar of the dreaded Yiga organization.

Part I • Part II • Part III • Part IV • Part V • Part VI • Part VII • Epilogue • Masterlist

It took me far too long to recover from the discovery I’d made deep beneath the foundation of the Sheikah estate. Who knew how many more had been forced to suffer at the hands of the Yiga over the course of that period? It was high time to end this era of tyranny and grief, and to have anyone but myself take the lead was not an option. Whatever truth was waiting for me at the end of all this, so be it. I had to see it with my own two eyes. I had to see her.

To help set my plan into motion, the only person I had left to turn to was Prosecutor Sigatur, and though she had once held my mother in the utmost respect, she had benevolently volunteered to present my findings to the courts in my stead. As confident as I was in my argument and as desperately as I desired to be there for Link, I couldn’t quite stomach the thought of taking the stand and exposing myself to the discrimination of the public eye again.

And so, as the proceedings went on for the following few days, I spent my time back at the apartment, making myself useful by poring through my mountainous collection of data on the eighteen-year-old incident that I’d amassed over the years and had been keeping in my office until now. Now that I had been let go, my flat was practically overflowing with newspaper clippings, copies of investigation reports, and whatever else not. Every time I would open the door upon arriving home, I’d get hit in the face with the musty stench of dust and old magazines that I had nowhere to properly put away.

Though my collection was indeed vast, it was far more so in physical volume than in information. Most of the documents in it were no more than different accounts of the same basic facts. All the useful info I could glean was that the fire at City Hall had taken the lives of most, if not all, administrative officials who had been there working at the time, and those members of council who may or may not have been killed had never been seen nor heard from again, their bodies left for ash. And according to my sources, Mayor Hyrule had been amongst them.

There was a certain line in her letter to Auntie Impa that had tipped me off to her current whereabouts. “...I have been keeping watch over you from the ashes of the afterlife...” The imagery laced so intricately into those words had struck a nerve. There was only one place in this town that both would’ve been of any significance to her and was covered in ash: the crumbling ruins where the former City Hall had once stood.

Having reached the point of culmination in my plotting, I invited the newly reinstated Constable Fyori over for tea. The two of us meeting in my office would have been preferable, but we’d just have to make do with this for the time being.

“If my hypothesis is correct, then I am about to enter the belly of the beast,” I deliberated. Seated on my settee and restlessly tapping the floor with his heel, Link listened with both eyes and ears as I paced about the room. “Ideally, I’d have some sort of backup at my disposal. Maybe I could phone Urbosa and ask her to lend me a hand, just once more...”

“If I may,” he butted in, “why are you speaking as though you’ll be on your own?”

I hadn’t been nearly as prepared as I probably should have been for such a question. “Well...” I stammered, forcing the shame of admitting that I was too afraid to confront my own mother alone down my throat, “would you happen to know someone who’d be willing to accompany me?”

His mouth gaped at my answer. Then jutting his neck out and laying his palms across his chest, he stood up. “Me!”

I took a step back. “Link, what are you talking about?” If something happened to him as a result of this, which was more likely to occur than not, then his last moments would surely be filled with nothing but fear and regret. Not to mention, I would never forgive myself. “I really shouldn’t have to remind you. She’s the reason your family—”

“I know,” he snapped. His eyes were burning a hole straight through me. It was almost frightening. “Believe me, I’m not about to go forgetting it again any time soon.”

“Then why...?” I half-whispered in the most deathly serious tone I could muster.

“Because I’m tired of hiding.”

A harsh breeze rattled the blinds against the window frame. It took me by surprise, but he wasn’t phased by it in the least.

“I’m tired of turning a blind eye and acting like none of the horrible things she’s done ever happened.” I tried to think of a snappy rebuttal, but none came to mind. He’d said these words as though they’d been burning on the tip of his tongue for an untold number of days. He’d had a lot of time to reflect between his false conviction and his acquittal, so it seemed. He and I were of the same mind, of course, but... “And, because...” He stopped himself. Some of the fire in his gaze had gone out in smoke. I got my hopes up when he broke eye contact for a moment or two, and I could all but sense the resolve in him dying, just a little bit.

But then, emitting a slight sound of frustration, he stepped closer. His hands gripped my shoulders, and he pulled me in with the force of a hurricane.

When his lips made impact with mine, my eyes flew open.

He kissed me with what could only be described as reckless abandon. His mouth scraped across my own, and I could feel every ounce of his aggravation in the way his fingertips bit down on my skin alone. It was rough and clumsy and pressed, as if this were sincerely the last and only chance he would ever have.

All of a sudden, we were seventeen again, and standing in the middle of our secondary school’s greenhouse. The scent of dust was replaced with that of lush flora on all sides of us, and sunlight shining in from above caressed the top of my head with its warmth. This was the very scene that I’d used to daydream about time and time again, wasting more hours of each day than I’d have liked to admit at the time.

Now his fingers clung to the corners of my face like I was made of paper, his lips brushing mine almost imperceptibly as his bated breath fanned out against them. When my eyes opened and met with his, his complexion had turned a delicate rouge, and his faultless aquamarines had been clouded over by doubt. In that moment, all I could think to do was to make that doubt vanish. So I ignored the distant sense of guilt that yet lingered and seized the navy blue tie around his neck. Our forms collided, and a sigh like trees swaying at the mercy of a light breeze in summer grazed my cheek.

With Ms. Sigatur’s aid, the constabulary had been more than willing to cooperate and construct a perimeter of officers around the old City Hall’s charred skeleton. Just the fact that the vicinity wasn’t littered in tarps and rubbish and other evidence of homelessness was proof enough of my theory. And yet, the way the wind howled and that the only signs of life were the crows circling up above filled the pit of my stomach with an unease that I could not ignore.

“You know what to do as soon as you sense any sign of danger, I trust?” Urbosa had both her hands planted firmly on my shoulders, bending down to meet my gaze with that same, old look of worry.

I gave a firm nod, never breaking eye contact. “Of course.”

“And you have Fyori and the others looking out for you, so don’t be afraid to call for them if—”

“I’ll be fine, Urbosa. I—”

“No, you will not.”

All I wanted was to get this over with, but she just had to go and remind me of the risks. No matter what I wished for, it wouldn’t change the fact that this was, in all likelihood, a suicide mission. Which was why I’d been so adamant in refusing to allow Link to come along initially.

Said constable was watching the two of us out of the corner of his eye, ever the vigilante as he stood facing the stronghold a mere half dozen paces away.

I heaved a constricted sigh and looked the prosecutor earnestly in the eye. With a deep breath, “I understand how worried you are for me, but please, don’t try to stop me. I’m aware of the risk and I’m prepared to face the consequences. I wouldn’t be doing this if I weren’t confident in my ability to succeed.”

Her stance softened, if only just slightly. “If Hilda weren’t still alive, her spirit would haunt me for letting any harm come to you.”

“But that won’t happen, because she is alive and she would never try to hurt me.” This much I was certain of, for if she had harboured any such intentions, she would have acted on them already, with how the Organization typically operated.

Urbosa’s lips tightened, and the out of place worry lines permeating her expression faded incrementally. She cast her gaze toward my stubborn guardian in silence, and he offered her a calm, yet resolute, nod of the head.

After a quiet embrace that seemed to go on endlessly, she sent me on my way. I looked over my shoulder as she grew smaller and smaller, then turned my focus ahead of me.

Staring up at the towering columns before me, I fell into an unnatural combination of wonder, nostalgia, and loss. (For whom or what was I still mourning? At this point, I didn’t even know the answer to that.) For the most part, the only parts of the building left standing were those invulnerable to fire, and even a great portion of that had fallen victim to weathering and decay over the years. Many of the brick walls had crumbled, leaving little in the way of places to hide a single person, let alone an entire crime syndicate.

The wind was unrelenting as it whipped and thrashed my hair about my face. Yet somehow, even as we drew nearer, the air remained as deathly still as ever.

As we finally came upon the scorched remnants of the main entrance, a gust from the north sent a whirlwind of ash in my direction. My arms rose to shield my face in the nick of time.

After taking a moment to collect myself, I took my first step since childhood into the domain of my mother’s workplace. Surely when I crossed that threshold, I’d thought, surely that was when havoc would finally be wrought upon us. But I was met yet again with stillness. Was nothing but my own breathing able to break this seemingly impenetrable silence?

Just then, my question was answered.

I felt my soul jump out of the confines of my body when the caw of a crow reverberated throughout the government building. If my heart hadn’t been pounding hard enough already...

I jumped again seconds later, though not nearly to the extent at which I just had, when Link’s hand came to weave itself between my fingers. We locked eyes, and he gave me the kindest of smiles. It made me want to melt right into his arms and to never let go, lest I lose him a third, and very likely final, time.

But a clearing of the throat from one of the other nearby constables reminded me of the ever present need to stay alert.

I elected to have the group split into two: one to search the ground floor of the ruins and one to search the upper floor. It was hard to say for certain how stable they were, but the stairways connecting the two stories were still almost fully intact. The upper floor itself, however, was another matter. Though its foundation hadn’t been constructed from any organic material, much of its structural integrity seemed to have been lost. About a third of it had broken off and landed square in the middle of the ground floor, leaving a vast chasm between the two sections of the upper floor that remained. The police had come prepared and equipped for the traversal of rough and uneven terrain, though there was still the danger of stray pieces of rubble raining down onto our heads from above.

I adjusted the strap of my helmet, which was beginning to chafe at the skin underneath my chin, before making my way around the monstrous hunk of brick flooring lying along the length of the grand foyer. Beyond that, as I’d remembered correctly, was the hallway leading to where her office had once been. But the scene I would discover there was a far cry from what I recalled.

What I found there wasn’t unlike what we’d found in the other offices up until now. Any furniture that had once filled the space had been destroyed. I could only just make out the contorted pieces of an old, blackened writing desk, its legs collapsed and the only thing relaying the tale of its former shape being the lamp lying shattered beside it. This I’d only noticed after hearing the crackling of shattered glass underfoot.

A clipped, nasal exhale sounded from behind me, where Link was taking in the scene with an expression similar to my own set into his face. He’d been clinging to my side since we’d begun searching, whether out of a desire to protect or to be protected, I did not know. A question rang in my ears that he’d posed to me during our meeting at my flat. “What will you do once you find her?” It was a simple question, one that I reasonably should have been able to answer, but the only one that came to mind would have sounded beyond foolish if said aloud. In the midst of such an era of power, what crime boss in their right mind would be swayed by a meagre plea to stop? But if not try to reason with her, there wouldn’t be many other options at my disposal.

This supposition only applied given that my mother would be found. My inspections so far had yielded no signs of Yiga activity, or for that matter, any activity whatsoever. Everything here seemed to have been here since the very incident that had levelled the place. In a way, this only added onto my already existing restlessness. The longer this search went on in vain, the less likely we were to find anything of worth, and the more likely it was for this endeavour to end in yet another failure. The moment I would finally give into my fear and call off the mission was steadily approaching.

A shadow flickered in my peripheral vision, followed by auditory pandemonium.

I just barely withheld my yelp. Link had turned toward the source of the sound with his hand on his holster.

But it had only been a piece of debris coming down from the floor above. I sighed furtively.

Between how Link’s shoulders had tensed up to meet his ears and the way his hand twitched as he lowered it from his hip, it was plain to see that I wasn’t the only one who was shaken up.

There was one more area of the ground floor that I had left to search: the conference hall. If the Yiga were anywhere to be found across these vast burial grounds, it was there.

What was left of the wood flooring creaked underfoot at a much greater volume than I’d been expecting. The ceiling, though just as high as that of the rest of this floor, somehow felt even loftier. Out of all the rooms we’d visited, this one was the most intact. Half of the risers, though scorched, were otherwise undamaged, and even the podium was still standing tall. But of course, being more intact meant giving sharpshooters more places to hide. One misstep and—

Crack

The floor fell out from beneath me. I let out a shriek, feeling the realm of death open its big, black maw and swallow me whole.

Then I landed with a calamitus crash.

If I hadn’t managed to curl my limbs around myself in time, the concrete flooring I seemed to have landed on surely would’ve cracked my head open, or given me a severe concussion at the very least. My whole body ached from the impact, and it felt as though I may have sprained my ankle, for when I tried to stand, it throbbed in the most violent pain I had ever experienced. I fell to my hands and knees, reeling.

The spot in the floor that I’d placed my weight on must have lost much of its hardiness to the fire. In all the times I’d been here as a little girl, it had never once occurred to me that this place had housed a basement.

“Zelda...!”

I looked up to see Link peering down from the hole in the ceiling that I’d made, his expression poised with worry. My body, covered in scrapes and bruises, cringed when I realized he had borne witness to that pathetic spectacle, making the pain tenfold.

“I’m fine,” I whisper-shouted up toward the only source of light in the room, and some of the fear in his face relaxed. He glanced around him, then looked back down in my direction before standing up and disappearing.

I could only hope he’d find his way down sooner rather than later. In the meantime, I shifted into a position I hoped I’d have more luck rising back to standing from, and I did. Though, maimed as I was, I’d still have to find some way to take some of the weight off my right foot.

The first thing I latched onto was rusty and sharp. I winced and pulled my hand back, looking blindly to see if my palm was bleeding or not.

As my eyes adjusted, I was relieved to see that the cut had only just grazed the surface of my skin. I scanned the room, seeing that the thing I’d touched was a piece of an old oil drum. In fact, the room was full of metal scraps resembling it.

A vision flashed before my eyes. Of City Hall being engulfed in flame within seconds, and the criminal mastermind hiding the evidence in a cellar, where no one would ever find it until the better part of two decades later.

The rest of the basement was still a cluttered mess, but somehow it felt a great deal more lived-in than what I’d seen up until this point. There wasn’t a soul to be found in any of the windowless rooms I came across, but the few things I found lying around with the help of my pocket torch, like an unopened pack of cigarettes and a deck of cards left strewn across a small table, gave me the distinct impression that I wasn’t alone. The numerous corners provided by old, metal bookshelves and file cabinets did little to slow my racing heart.

Eventually, I came upon an open doorway, beside which a small sign on the wall read, “Archive A.” Beyond the barrier, unlike the pitch darkness I’d been wandering through for I’d long lost count of just how long, a few threads of light were trickling in from above, presumably through a crack in the flooring above that I’d failed to notice before.

I stepped through the doorway, turned to face the yawning expanse of the former archive, and saw her. Dressed in pale white and standing radiantly in the center of the room.

My mother. The very image of my ever vivid memory of her was right there.

My feet carried me, with newfound purpose and with minds of their own, toward her. I wanted to reach out and feel her next to me. I wanted to ascertain that she was truly there and that I hadn’t actually hit my head and wasn’t now seeing things. I wanted to run at her, arms outstretched, more than anything in the world.

But then my ankle throbbed violently in protest, and my reason for being here came back to me at full force. I swallowed down my longing and stopped in my tracks. Her smile—that warm, glowing, congratulatory smile that held all the hope and light of the sun within its corners—wasn’t making this any less difficult, however. I was reminded of the simpler times, when at the end of each day, there was someone back at home waiting to hold me close and make all my worries melt away.

She held her arms out to me in a gesture that made my eyes well up with the tears of a child. It felt unspeakably wrong, but for what reason I could no longer place. Why shouldn’t I? What harm could it possibly do? It was only natural to want to wrap my arms around her as tightly as I was able, and to never let go again, wasn’t it?

A gunshot ripped through the peace.

Her face turned still as stone. Square between her harmless eyes had appeared an inky black-red orifice—an exit wound—from which a spray of crimson had decorated her visage.

Time slowed almost to a stop as Mother careened forward and fell flat onto the cold, hard floor. A hollow thump echoed throughout the empty space.

Before I’d had time to react, I looked up and met eyes with a painfully familiar pair of icy azures, which thawed in an instant as the owner lowered his weapon. I glanced down at the body, which had landed just two or three paces in front of me, then back at him. Then my own body started to shake.

No matter how I tried, I couldn’t control the violent tremors that had taken hold of me. My knees hit the floor, my bad ankle being wrenched one way in the process. This tore a scream from the depths of my lungs as the tears began waterfalling down in spiteful defiance against my will. I couldn’t bare to look at her—lithe arms strewn out limply at her sides and golden hair scattered in every direction—so I hid like the coward I was behind my stinging palms.

A metallic clack, followed by footsteps pounding the cement one after another as they neared. When his arms cradled my head into the shelter of his chest, I didn’t stop him. Nor did I when his hand began its gentle stroking up and down the curve of my back. He could have said something, anything, but he refrained. Instead, the silence surrounding my cries did nothing but amplify them.

A resounding clatter broke the air.

My vision was fogged up like a window pane in the dead of winter, but as I blinked away the tears, I began to make out the shape of an assault rifle lying on the concrete, at the feet of a person who hadn’t been there before and whose face I was unable to make out from this distance. In the figure’s hand was a bone-white mask, which they turned over in their grasp before dropping it onto the floor as well. It shattered upon landing.

In every corner, assassins were emerging from the shadows, each one of them laying down their weapons and turning to face the cooling corpse resting at the axis point of it all. Somehow, the room seemed even more devoid of daylight than ever before.

[thegirlfulloffandoms]

hello! could i please request boggie and the line "Are you sure you're feeling okay?" thank youuuu

i am so sorry this took so long! i had quite a few ideas but i feel like the one ive gone with is a precious (and angsty) fit.

May i present: Amps aren't supposed to be fixed in the rain (Boggie)

Reggie knew it probably wasn't the best idea, looking up at the looming grey clouds above his head, his worries were confirmed. This was a very, very stupid idea but Reggie, being Reggie, knew that if he didn't at least test the theory then it would haunt him forever.

'Here goes nothing' he muttered to himself, placing down his amp just outside his family's garage door, maybe they would be worried about him this time, that was if they had actually been home and not off with separate people dealing with their issues for the 'benefit of Reggie' as they always said.

There was a rumble of thunder from above causing him to jump slightly, realisation hitting him that he had left his jacket at the Wilson's in his rush to leave after his mom called to say he needed to look after the house while she was gone, Reggie shivered in his white t-shirt, the wind seemed to have picked up out of nowhere, the rain beginning to spit from above.

Reggie didn't feel very confident anymore, what had he been thinking? this was a killer idea and he was that bored he was prepared to go through with it. He should have stayed with the guys to finish rehearsal, at least he would be getting a dinner that wasn't delivery pizza from Joe's.

More thunder clapped from above causing him to jump again, but a voice seemed to accompany it,' Reggie? Reggie!' the voice shouted the sound of hurried footsteps rushing towards him until the familiar sensation of cool leather enveloped his shoulders accompanied by a pair of hands on his shoulder.

'Reg what the hell are you doing outside?' Bobby gazed at his best friend with concern, before glancing down at the amp and shaking his head 'you can't be serious'

'i had an idea and it was really bugging me so I thought why not' Reggie shrugged his shoulders tensing again at the now more prominent thunder and downpour that began to soak the pair.

Bobby sighed,' get in the garage and get warmed up I'll carry this in okay?' he lets go of him causing Reggie to whine a little at the loss of contact before hurrying inside and flopping on the sofa, holding his jacket around his shoulders shivering.

The door clicked loudly as Bobby wandered in placing the amp against the door and heading to the cupboard that sat at the back of the garage grabbing two towels for them both.

'Reggie, are you okay?' Bobby threw him a towel, beginning to question his friend with concern in his eyes as he sits beside him.

'i'm Okay Bobby honest! I just i got intrigued and no one was home and-' he begins to ramble and reason but it's no use.

'are you sure you're feeling okay?' Bobby asked again, this time more gentle with his tone.

Reggie sighed, turning to him, letting his mask drop knowing he could trust Bobby. 'they can't stand each other anymore and I feel like im just.....in the way of their happiness

'Goldie' Bobby smiles, taking his hand,' why didn't you say anything? you know my parents wouldn't mind if you needed to crash somewhere'

Reggie wasn't sure if his cheeks were red from the rain or the handhold but he didn't plan on overthinking it for now, rather at 3 am that morning instead.

'I don't want to drive you away' he muttered looking down at their joined hands.

'Reg, you could never be a burden' Bobby spoke sweetly lifting his head with his finger,' you've been the greatest blessing ever'

The storm may have raged outside, but at least peace had settled in their hearts.

(feel free to leave any requests in my ask box!)

[melforbes]

ask meme. what if. patching up. no I still haven’t seen source material

the way i completely forgot about this ask until i wrote like two paragraphs in this and was like oh shit lmao

the source material is getting an hbo series bb you're in luck also ignore anna whatever as tess yes i respect her as an actress yes she is talented in a bunch of things i have not seen but ms annie wersching is the only tess in my heart and also if i have to endure tess being reduced to a powerbitch stereotype i will start foaming at the mouth. but also i have no feelings about this whatsoever <3

WHAT IF: i will pick an important choice or event in my current project and write three sentences (or more?) about if it’d gone done differently

hmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMm

this is hard because i kind of had a stupid amount of confidence in the decisions i had them make in this and because i have ~a lot of experience~ in flying by the seat of my pants with writing lmaooooo a lot of the time with this ive had some degree of foresight when it comes to certain plot decisions. the only reason i have this in the first place is that with other things ive had kind of sort of plot revelations and then been like "well if i'd set that up three chapters ago it would have a huge impact i think but instead i guess it's just going in this one for a smaller impact" so i think i learned my lesson haha. also because this pairing nowadays has a small and sparse tag i really intentionally put in stuff to make it interesting (maybe the wrong word) to reread. like not Interesting interesting but i wanted there to be certain details that are more relevant on a reread than on an initial read because whenever i read stuff in small tags i tend to read it Multiple Times lmaoooooo and it's like if anyone like me is out there I Will Feed You. I Will Give You Food. you see i have this problem in which im like i dont want to act like i put thought into this because That's Embarrassing and i also dont want to seem like i take this too seriously because That's Embarrassing and also i dont want to act uppity or pompous or something But At The Same Time i do put a lot of thought into certain things and i feel like mentioning that and i dont really want to judge myself for that. it's complicated but also super uncomplicated. where was i going with this

OH right. so most of the plot decisions were made super concretely. like pre breakup arc in the nightmares chapters (which came out so much worse than i intended alkdjksjad;glksjg) when tess and joel talk about ellie Knowing (also legit it is such a trip to me that you dont know the context of that. a trip in a good way) she says we every time and he only ever says i even when she points out that this would affect both of them, and at one point i think he says that tess doesnt understand baseless violence which is 100% untrue, and then there's a bunch of window imagery i put in starting there because im a freak. so like For Once In My Life a lot of this was as planned as it could be. on occasion there's been Plot Revelations that get wedged in (the radio interlude chapter, which was a bit of an inelegant seam between prewritten things that didnt mesh well) but for the most part ive got tits out into every decision. like tess and ellie disagreeing about joel's choice was very planned though i imagine that kind of conversation could be executed many different ways i had my one way and stuck to it. so either way

where was i going with this. did i have a point.

OKAY. let's see. i think one of the big ~emotional beats~ so to speak was the ambush chapter and i think that's the favorite because that's usually where people comment if i remember correctly and initially i wasnt going to go with that tone At All haha. years ago i wrote everyday domestic scenes of mulder and scully from x files and had it all on this blog and it was plotless but largely in the same overarching universe (i say as if it was legit ever That Deep) and after writing this as a oneshot and being like you know? Kind of feel like doing that again. i figured i would just follow the same largely plotless path of legit just domesticity and leave it at that. and i think the first like five chapters are tonally different from the rest because i'd never really intended for it to have plot or really any depth whatsoever. in the end like. How do i say this in a way that wont be interpreted as uppity or something asldkjgalsdgjk like. when i did those mulder scully scenes i was very much a beginner and i think i didnt realize just how inherent that beginner-ness was to the concept itself. which isnt a bad thing! like people had fun with those so far as i remember. bizarrely enough i think people might still read those which. cringe. but you kno!!! but with a few years of distance from that kind of concept i think it was hard for me to Not try something else. especially with this universe in which it's just dense with storytelling opportunity. and also i felt as if the first few chapters were just like super super lighthearted and i wanted some angst factor. which is why in the end the angst factor plot itself is flimsy as fuck. like i did not care WHY they got attacked i just wanted that sweet sweet hurt/comfort cup of tea u feel. and after that i didnt really go for the plot too much But i did edge toward it a lot more. like i mean ultimately this is a romance like it was not intended to be plot heavy ever But it's more plot heavy than it couldve been. had i actually written it as i'd intended from the start i think it wouldve gotten old really fast. like nothing but lighthearted domesticity doesnt make sense in this context. for the first few chapters it doesnt necessarily kill the whole thing imo because like. that's the first few chapters. but after then if there was never any ~deeper thoughts~ i think it wouldve gotten reductive super fast.

hmmm what else. Because i am deciding to talk too much on the internet now.

oh in theory the whole breakup arc couldve been omitted and now in retrospect im like it's hilarious that like the next chapter after they got married i immediately peppered in hints that they would break up lkajsdglaksjgdlkj like wow. That lasted a long time. but like i mean i think with them it fits that they would do something like get married before they even said that they loved each other. like i can see them doing a massive workaround instead of doing a small and simple but vulnerable thing. makes sense 2 me. and like they definitely couldve stuck together in the end but 1 theres interesting storytelling in how maybe joel was too stubborn or maybe they grew apart in certain ways or blah blah blah and 2 I JUST LOVE A GOOD BREAKUP AND THEN RETURNING TO EACH OTHER ARC OKAAAAAAAAAY. legit. favorite trope. if i ever experienced that in real life i would claw my eyes out but in fiction it makes me FERALLLL. and also like i mean i lov these two for their dumb quirks but also like it would be a lil wrong to say there wouldnt be consequences for like. Not communicating haha. also again like the world this game is put in is so full of storytelling opportunities and im like Must Take Them All. like joel is stubborn as hell and shuts down when he's overwhelmed and there is growth in the first game (and in the second too but thats not really shown as much and is more left for the player to fill in the gaps i think) but also i think it would be super easy to regress in that sense and i had fun with putting him in those situations. and it's also super fun to have an additional person for the joel and ellie plots to bounce off of. like joel and ellie are two very stubborn people and having an extra person there to be like You Blithering Idiots has been a good time. im getting sidetracked. like it was fun to answer the question of how these two in a marriage neither of them can fully substantiate would communicate in hard times and the answer i personally found was that they both would end up breaking things. which was fun to write!!!!!!!!! but in theory couldve been prevented. maybe i just cant imagine this a different way haha. like Joel And Tess Learn Healthy Communication Skills Over Time. am i mean for saying that doesnt sound probable aldskjgalskdjgslkgj

OH LMAO THE MARRIAGE PART. that was also a big decision i guess. i wouldnt make it go differently alksdjglasdjg like. i definitely couldve written the context around that many different ways bc again this whole is full of opportunity But a frankly premature wedding just feels right to me. especially with like going from being stuck on survival to being safe for the first time in decades. and then having that sense of safety get boring and wondering why there was that super fast wedding in the first place. cant really imagine it going differently

there is later unposted stuff that could def have gone many different ways and that i tried to make go different ways but that would not be right to talk about akldsjaslkgdjsg so.

this got too long sorry <3

[petewentzisblack1312]

Hi… I wanted to ask this on anon so I didn’t ask on your personal, idk if this is too personal or anything to ask but

Do you have a problem with people saying they have a mental disorder if they don’t have a diagnosis? Like for me so… I have been diagnosed with anxiety but I am like 99% sure I have bipolar disorder. And like I know you can’t diagnose me so I’m not going to go into depth with my symptoms but ever since I was like, 11, I used to get very depressed to the point where I contemplated ending it but then i would snap out of it and I think for me my manic phase are hypomanic bc ive never experienced like the full range of those symptoms but my depressive phases get very rough esp if I have external stressors but it will go through what I assume to be these phases like sometimes within the day esp if I have a stressor.

I am in nursing school and I work at a psych hospital so like this isn’t coming out of nowhere, I am very familiar with all mental disorders and it was actually during my psych nursing class and learning about bipolar disorder that I was like… hm… why does this feel like a mirror right now. I am aware I should get to a therapist and get an actual diagnosis (if I had money I would lol) but like idk. Idk if it’s worth going to my doctor at my physical and being like “hey I think I have this” I am lucky enough now that I am in a good place and can manage my symptoms but I am terrified I will go through a stressor again and lose it so idk. I mean I feel like I already know the answer but I wanted to ask anyway to see your take :/

Anyway idk as a future medical professional I think self diagnosis got a bad rep and it’s like idk I think for mental disorders esp you can tell if you have anxiety and it’s a persistent problem. You can tell if you have depression. I know bipolar disorder is harder to diagnose but idk I think since I’m in the field it’s easier? Idk I felt like a sense of relief with learning about it and finding similarities and being like “well maybe that’s why I’m like that”. But idk now I’m feeling uneasy bc I don’t have a diagnosis and I don’t want to be like, stepping over people who were diagnosed. Thank you in advance if you read all this and yeah I’m sorry I know it’s a lot and this is controversial

ok this is a long post so im putting it under a cut but tldr, no i dont have a problem with it. it doesnt matter if you actually have an illness, it matters if you find a solution to your problem. if treating yourself like you have a certain condition makes it easier to go through life, then keep doing what works for you, you are doing nothing wrong. this all goes for physical and mental illnesses.

im a firm proponent of self diagnosis. i wouldnt be here if i didnt have the confidence to research mental illnesses and advocate for myself. as someone who is extremely familiar with the medical profession on account of being the daughter of a doctor and a nurse and spending my childhood running around a hospital, im extremely privileged to even have the knowledge and ability to do so, and i try to bear in mind the understandable hesitancy of people without this advantage. i know that you are well within your right to refuse medication that makes you sick, i know that you can complain about a doctor that isnt listening to you, i know that you are allowed and encouraged to be adamant about things you are told dont matter, and in addition to that, i have a VERY well known doctor and a nurse in my corner, and i am STILL treated as though i do not understand my own experiences enough to have any authority more often than i am not.

the reason self diagnosis gets a bad rep imo is because people have constructed this boogeyman of the worst case scenario, people collecting mental illnesses they dont have for attention as opposed to what it is, people doing research into their experiences and making theories on what they have so they can manage it. youll often see the take of "i dont hate self dxd i just hate people who do it for attention" and i think thats very irresponsible considering a symptom of many mental illnesses is thinking youre faking it and doing it for attention, nevermind the fact that attention seeking behaviour is literally a symptom of many mental illnesses people often dont want to empathize with. gatekeeping whos illness is real just keeps people who need help out. i could go into an anarchist screed about democratizing health, but basically, as someone whos life has been saved by my insistence on self diagnosis, and whos life has been made significantly easier by treating myself as though i have the conditions that i theorize i have, self diagnosis saves lives, and i, as an advocate for disabled people of all kinds on my island, will never put any conditionals on self diagnosis. it doesnt matter if you find the right name for your problem, it matters if you find a solution that works. i have yet to meet any of these fabled people who never try to receive a professional opinion, only people who literally cant.

as for feeling guilty, ill repeat how i opened this answer: it does not matter what exactly your problem is, it matters that you find a solution that works. in medicine generally, there will be a wide spectrum of problems with overlapping treatments, things which are similar but distinct, things which look identical but are completely different and at different levels of concern. it doesnt really matter which grab bag of bullshit your brain is reaching from, it matters that you know how to deal with what it throws at you, whatever that may be. dont worry about getting it right, worry about getting it working. okay?

for advice on how to deal with doctors, its helpful to pose it as a hypothetical as opposed to an absolute. when i bring up things im dealing with that i have a theory about i say "i think i have x" or "i think i might have x" or "i have a lot of symptoms of x". doctors are often egotistical and are easily challenged so it helps to pose it at a problem they can solve as opposed to one youve solved for them otherwise they get spooked. in my experience posing it this way leads them to actually interrogate this line of symptoms, and theyll ask you why you think that, and you can bring up symptoms that led you to that conclusion, and ones that give you trouble especially. for example, ive said "i think i may have autism or adhd? or both" to several doctors, and they either agree with me (i believe its been put in my file as a possibility now although i cant get an official test done due to financial and resource restrictions) or they ask why i think so, and i detail what i believe is due to my autism. its small, but this reframing helps a lot.

i think this covers all you said but my head is empty as hell.

[iblowshitup120]

Thanks @uncle-jingo

Alrighty.......This is gunna get interesting.

5 Positive Things I like about myself (Mostly Things ive overcome)

1. I am such a different ever since recovering from Brain Cancer. I am happy, I can focus, and I am basically going through puberty a second time so its awesome.

2. Things are finally good with my ex wife so I can see my son more often now. For all the horrible things she did to me, I find myself wanting to help her get through whatever shes going through (Also an army vet) and I never thought id want to help someone who did such horrible things to me. Its humbling. Its Love.

3. Im finally comfortable in my own skin, growing up I was bullied non-stop for being an ugly little black/hispanic mudblood until about sophomore year of highschool. It had lasting effects of course until I was an adult and recently I realized I dont need to sleep with every woman who gives me attention, like I have been since turning 16 because the only person who will make me feel better about myself is me and God.

4. I can litteraly do anything I set my mind to. I set up a firearms business in less than 4 months with no help, and yet I never went to college because I cant stand the idea of disorganized beuracratic power structure in an educational environment(I was in alternative school for bad kids all the years of highschool). I am in the process of designing a new shotgun and the only thing holding me back is learning fusion360, which I am picking up pretty quickly. I bought a milling machine a year ago and got pretty good with it really fast and am about to convert it to a cnc machine. Im just sorta handy like that.

5. I feel like I have an excellent relationship with God who has gotten me to this point. God is so many things but Im not going to tell you because I would want you to find out yourself. Growing up I went to Private Christian school for 12 years and the Dogma I experienced turned me into an atheist for 12 years. When I was about 24 I witnessed evil taking place in the church of the parents of the girl I was dating. Very Conspiracy Theory type shit. If God was gunna let me know of his existence in a way I can understand, it was through that. I had to see the devil in order to realize Jesus is King. Through him I got through brain cancer treatment, prescription pain killer addiction, and my next challenge is becoming a nicer person when you are chronically in severe pain all the fricken time. But since I invited God back into my life, my life has become alot more manageable and Ive done things I havnt ever has the confidence of doing. If I can just work on not cussing and not being so hateful to people who do small things to me, I think I can learn something new about myself.

@masonicbeheadingritual @milfsagainstroadhead @unclefather @unoshallbeplayedbywe @armsnotsigns @ancaporado @librapngs

Yall are about the only other people I interact with that havnt done this.

[blookmallow]

sighs 

i finally decided to find out what the hell project makeover actually is 

this is the best fucking dress ive ever seen

so its your standard match-3 game with pretty much the exact same mechanics as matchington mansion, i have too many of these and am very tired of matching things and yet i keep downloading more of them anyway

off to a great start here with the “take away her glasses and it’ll make her instantly hot” trope 

i thought maybe we’d be giving her some new glasses that suit her better but nah she never gets the glasses back lmao 

the poor girl with the bushy hair is not a gremlin who hasnt showered in weeks standing there with her hair actively on fire, she’s just a college student who recently graduated and wants help with a new professional look, it’s actually very focused on “lets help you look good to inspire confidence and love yourself” and generally pretty wholesome except for the “you can’t wear glasses it makes you look like a nerd lol” thing 

also the blue hair guy is not her boyfriend, or the blonde lady’s boyfriend, he’s the makeover show’s hair stylist. the blonde lady is actually the villain. theres a villain of this makeover game, more on that later, but my point is i do not understand how these app games don’t ever seem to get in trouble for false advertising when their ads literally have nothing to do with the game 

granted, everything about the real game is massively better than the ads. but i still dont understand 

anyway you also redo their rooms too, and the process for this is like. taking absolutely everything out and just replacing it all so in the meantime you end up with. like 

this poor man fsdjkg i took everything from his garage and also his shoes and now hes just standing in there looking lost. and barefoot 

alright lets get some DESIGNER concrete in this barren basement 

gjdsfsgh it did actually look nice when i finished this one. i didnt use the designer concrete 

theres a whole section for drama, which is very funny to me 

so the blonde lady was the previous show manager/host who ran the whole thing in a very “you’re ugly and disgusting, let Me, the Great Fashion Diva, try my best to fix you” way so she got kicked off for being terrible and now she’s out for revenge and also has an assistant who is desperately in love with her. the assistant is also really vindictive and mean to everyone too 

“greta left her laptop here so i went snooping in it. and hacked into her bank account. gotcha” 

isnt that like. illegal 

she didn’t actually hack into the account, greta left it logged in (even though. most bank sites log you out automatically after a while im pretty sure, but whatever) but isn’t it still illegal to go searching through someone’s laptop and personal finance accounts without their knowledge or permission. even if they are a fashion villain. like greta’s Mean but she hasn’t done anything illegal 

hold up why the fuck is this girl on my makeover list she clearly doesn’t need me 

can she give ME a makeover. look at her she’s gorgeous. she has everything figured out what more can i possibly do 

if i have to ruin her gothic theater and turn her “”normal”” im going to actually cry i really want to play this one bc i want to meet her so bad but im also so, so afraid 

like so far it hasn’t been “everything you like sucks we’re going to Improve You” its been like. ok the guy in the basement with the designer concrete was a car mechanic who Wanted to learn how to take better care of himself/his appearance but didn’t know how, and wanted to look good for his wife but needed help, and he already has a professional garage and all this stuff so it was like ok he loves coffee and cars lets help him make his garage into a little coffee lounge with car posters and stuff so he can actually relax at home and not think about work so much 

so it was “what would help improve this person’s quality of life and give them more confidence/lets use the things they love” so i cant imagine they’d just be destroying everything this girl loves??

also id just like to point out the horrible eye slime dress is one of my own personal wardrobe items that i bought because i love and hate it. why am i allowed to have the eye slime dress and she’s not allowed to have her vastly superior victorian goth look here 

anyway my theory that maybe if i finally play this game it’ll stop following me everywhere with these horrible ads was a failure. im still getting these and i still hate them even though the game itself seems to be mostly pretty alright 

i still think homescapes is the superior match 3 game of all the ones ive played but this one’s at least alright. they dont give you nearly enough powerups though its rly frustrating when you get stuck and i refuse to spend actual money on this, so 

[seraph-bile]

June means it’s pride and I can rant about my own relationship with being bi right?

Because oh my god I have a weird relationship with it

Sorry this is v long

I was bullied pretty heavily in elementary and middle school for being ugly and “being and looking like a lesbian”. to the point where someone hack into my socials and would send sexual messages to other girls I knew. And like this was my only experience with that stuff so I hardcore maintained and told everyone that I was straight, straight as fuck, there was no possibility that I could be that “ugly lesbian��� that everyone glared at me for ‘being’ then.

It really didn’t help that my mom sat me down and a had a serious conversation with me that it was okay if I was attracted to girls (because I didn’t have a boyfriend), which while it was nice it theory, it really made it worse n my dad is still a homophobe so that wouldn’t have gone great either.

Then I got my first boyfriend, and suddenly I had proven everyone wrong! I finally had a boyfriend and people shut up, no one said a single thing about it.

Finally I was left alone, and stuck to it harder. My bf at the time was very unstable and a lot older than me, and the relationship in general was awful and fucked me up.

After I broke up with him, I was free to do what I wanted, brand new in high school with all these cool older boys that I could flirt with!! So of course that went really well and no one called me ugly or called me a “lesbian” after that, however that was replaced with me being an called easy slut and ppl starting rumors that I was pregnant. But I still maintained that I was straight, that being called a slut was significantly better than being ugly or a lesbian, at this point I was a bit more aware of the lgbt community so I was very very sure that while I supported my friend that was a lesbian, that wasn’t me. So I got with another guy for a while and then another for a long, long time. While I was dating my last ex, I started coming around to the idea that maybe, MAYBE, I liked women. And maybe, just maybe that was okay. It didn’t mean those assholes were right, and I hated them anyways, especially after having to be around them for so long.

I think this was around junior year, and then my senior year I went to my first pride.

When thinking over the relationships I’ve had, I realized that my first crush every, was on a girl at church- the pastors granddaughter, how scandalous- when I was like 7

A friend who was a few years older and came out as trans a few years later would jokingly call me their “little bisexual” in classes we had together, because we would gossip about girls my freshman and sophomore year, and I’d just laugh it off but he was right lmao

And there was a girl that I would flirt with a lot, AND SHE WOULD FLIRT BACK, BUT I WAS TOO BUSY THINKING AND CONVINCING MYSELF I WAS STRAIGHT TO ACTUALLY GIVE HER A CHANCE

And so now all I have is experience with men, an uphill battle with anyone that thinks I’m “not bi enough, especially because Ive never been with a women and I am dating a straight cis man that I hope to stay with for a long time. I may never get the chance to be with a women, and as far as I’ve known beside the one girl I flirted with, no women have shown interest in me

Which is fine but it doesn’t help my own fight with feeling like a valid bisexual. All I know is that I think I’m in the closet and pretty uncomfortable talking about it.

When I was in college, I was really really good friends with this other bi girl and I told her pretty confidently that I was bi too. And her response was to ask if I’ve ever been with a woman, because obviously I was a less valid bi girl than her because she made out with her straight friend while drunk and kissed another girl on a dare. And like that fucked with me even more. Because it completely destroyed my trust that other lgbt in my life would accept me as bi. So now I refuse to talk about it unless it’s with my bf or very specific ppl, I’m even uncomfortable talking about it with my closest irl friend bc shes pan and has a girlfriend.

But bro we were at a party with some friends and her girlfriend casually just said I was bi loudly in front of everyone as part of an lgbt party™️ joke and I was so,,, caught off guard??

Like yea I’m not entirely in the closet and mention it online and to my friends very very rarely but like,,. To hear someone say it,,, out loud,,, by someone that is not directly connected to me???? In a validating way????? Uncomfortable??? But also? Maybe nice? Couldn’t tell??

[koyurim]

it’s okay to not be okay 7-8

ive been holding back on saying this drama is perfect because i didnt want to jinx it, but at the halfway mark, i have no choice BUT to say, IT IS PERFECT.

we hit the halfway mark and both of our leads have cut off their leashes. what’s brilliant is that these moments feels so earned and we can see the hard work that both have put in to get to this place. both have come to a place where they’re willing and learning to step into growth, and they’re supported by one another so well. moon-young has to be the one to cut her hair, but kang-tae is there to help her trim it. kang-tae decided not to apologize for his actions because they were truly what he wanted to do and moon-young is there to take him on a trip afterwards (she’s also been taking care of him so subtly as well). 

the two of their relationship is so well crafted. in these two episodes, we got the most emotional growth but they were in these smaller, less dramatic moments of intimacy and comfort. the stairwell scene was so casual but clearly showed the ways they’re willing to accommodate and open up to one another--kang-tae loosens up around her and she holds back for him. i love the way that their feelings for each other is growing because it feels so natural that they are slowly opening up to each other and leaning on one another despite being in complete denial. everything between them is so raw and real! even their interaction when kang-tae gets jealous is layered with a real fear that she only sees him as an object to desire. 

(i think moon-young is only JUST beginning to consider ‘love.’ desire, attraction, lust? yes. but love? it seems like it just crossed her brain in the beauty and the beast class). kang-tae’s denial of his feelings (and himself) is full blown, but as moon-young encourages him to loosen up and let go, she’s building a special place in his heart. when kang-tae finally lets go, he’s forced to confront what he truly wants and we see that everyone expects him to just hold back. however, moon-young is the first to really see him and care for his wants. she’s been slowly working on loosening his safety pin, and turns out, just by being herself (standing up to a-reum’s abuser) she manages to undo his safety pin. 

obviously, there’s still so much growth ahead now that they’ve decided to free themselves from their past, but i’m so fucking PROUD of them and am looking forward to their continued growth. they look so much freer and relieved, our kang-tae is actually smiling and moon-young finds herself being comforted by his warmth. i also think that during class, moon-young might have had a moment where she realized how she coerced kang-tae into living with her was manipulative. i really hope the show decides to dive in and have her apologize for this. 

sang-tae and moon-young fighting over mang-tae (kang-tae) is so silly and cute and i’d enjoy it more if i wasnt eminently worried about the impending conflict that kang-tae will face in being forced to ‘choose’ between sang-tae (repression) or moon-young (freedom). i have a lot of confidence that the show writers will handle this well and develop the relationships to a point where kang-tae doesnt have to hold back and can have healthy relationships with both his brother and moon-young. i like how this love triangle is shaped by sang-tae’s fear of losing his brother. while kang-tae has spent his whole life infantilizing sang-tae, sang-tae does feel a sense of ownership to kang-tae. the two have stated that they each belong to themselves, but actually living out those assertions in real life is much different; the two are very co-dependent and probably have never not lived in the same room as each other. change is hard and sang-tae’s probably unsettled by this change in dynamic. nonetheless, i’m looking forward to having my heart ripped out by these brothers. 

when it comes to family, i absolutely was emotionally crushed by the themes of motherhood that came with episode 7 “the cheerful dog.” in the second episode, moon-young states that the painful memories linger longer and this helf true when kang-tae realizes he’s forgotten those happier moments of love with his mother (kim soo hyun’s eyelids just twitch and i am a MESS). the way the show revealed these moments didn’t erase the hurt that kang-tae experienced or justify his mom’s actions, but provided another layer of our understanding of mothering. kang-tae has a hard time connecting with folks outside his brother and we see that his mother was in the same position. she still hurt him, but she was also trying her best. there are so many sides to parenting. i thought jae-su and ju-ri’s mom brought different viewpoints that were equally valid when they were comforting kang-tae. 

the visual storytelling to convey all these points continues to be done in the most elegant and moving way. moon-young holds the umbrella over kang-tae. she cuts her hair in front of distorted mirror (she’s supposedly a reflection of her mother). kang-tae’s shirt is literally SO worn because he doesn’t take care of himself. my heart!!!!!! cant take it!!!!!! but i love it!!!!!

our side characters are so fun! while on paper they seem pretty normal and mundane, but they’re interesting and fascinating in their own right. ju-ri’s a great second lead because despite being so normal; she is very self-aware and now that she’s been rejected, she hasn’t been going out of her way to impose on kang-tae. i find her outburst while drunk hilarious and telling that there’s something more under the surface. i enjoy that sang-in is courting her now but dont necessarily know that i needed him to full on move in with her for this to happen. we also got a little more of jae-su’s history! i was glad that they allowed jae-su to be mad at kang-tae because kang-tae’s actions do impact those around him outside of his brother. jae-su’s also so insightful in noting that kang-tae needs a friend (and so does sang-tae!!!). 

theories: moon-young’s mom seems to haunt her dad and moon-young. i think for separate reasons though? it feels like both of them had a hand in her death and disappearance (moon-young probably more on the part of her inaction/choosing not to save her mom). i believe that moon-young’s mom and kang-tae’s mom’s death are connected by the butterflies. moon-young destroys butterflies for the same reason that sang-tae is afraid of them, but what is that reason exactly?