#i am actually pretty romance favorable. like i would be in a romantic relationship with a woman if it wldnt ruin my life

[caruliaa]

just bc im a lesbian doesnt mean tht i wont at times become deeply entranced with the beauty of male actor or character. it just means i wld rather be locked in a room with a man with a knife than do anything romantic or sexual with one

[astridthevalkyrie]

U want lds thoughts? I gotchu 🫡

I really like all 3 boys, but I'm leaning Zayne bc he's just so husband coded. He's the only one I could see a long-term relationship w. I love Xavier and Rafayel, but I just can't picture them as husbands or dads (at least w my MC/myself). I also desperately need them to interact in game and in the main story, there's just sm potential for chaos and funnies.

I honestly dk what will happen next. Obviously, MC is gonna want to investigate Onichynus and her heart, but idk how that story will unfold or how they'll tie in the stories w each li and their separate myths/reincarnation bit. (Also, the fact that the myths happen in the future doesn't make sense to me yet, so I hope they plan to really flesh that out and not give us questionable writing like most mobile otomes do). Idk how I feel abt Sylus (and possibly Caleb) becoming lis, ig I'll have to see what they're like and if they appeal to me at all, bc so far we haven't had enough Caleb content for me to actually get attached (I was also convinced he was MCs brother so idt I'll ever be able to see him romantically 😭).

I hope we'll get to see more of the side characters and what MCs life is like outside of just the three guys, but I honestly doubt it lmao (more for me to hc abt ig lol).

I have more but this is already rambly and idk how to be coherent rn. This game is giving me brainworms and I'm def thinking abt it too hard. Oh, well. I don't consume media, media consumes me.

i'm telling you it's xavier boyfriend zayne husband and rafayel sneaky link. that's exactly the look and vibe they give off.

i think as of right now zayne is the most popular, at least on ao3 him/mc is the most popular ship. which is just to be expected when you have a levi ackerman coded character LOL. like you said, he's a husband. he just is. he's a doctor and he's successful and he cares for the mc so deeply it just makes sense. i started the game for him because. i mean he looks like THAT. he acts like THAT. he has ice powers and you get to melt the ice in his heart and make him love you i adore that shit see my pinned post for the kind of romance i write you could make a zayne x reader set in the aot universe and it would be my fic. and dooooooon't get me started on dawnbreaker zayne. DON'T GET ME STARTED i gasped during the anecdote when the truth about the kid comes out. he dreams about his past life what the fuck bro what the fuck.

surprisingly, though, while i do love him, he's probably the one i've had the least amount of thoughts about (that's still clearly a lot of thoughts so that's not saying much). i think it's partly because my gacha favors xavier and rafayel a lot more and right now i pretty much am just heavily thinking about whichever guy i consumed the content for last.

xavier and rafayel have me obsessed. i thought xavier would be completely meh because zen from mysme was meh for me. but um. he was not meh. my levi hawks pattern has told me that i love a man who was forced into fighting because of the stupid goodness in his heart and manipulative outside forces. and even though that's not exactly what's going on with xav, he does have that vibe. his is the only myth i've watched in full and i'm just. they should have been able to go to uluru together. the scene where they're both lying on the ground i have watched it so many times. i love love love the royalty x captain of the guards trope so much. the fact that they both serve in both roles is insane. i've read the anecdote about her first life on philos too there's a fucking part in there that talks about how he shares his EARBUDS with you?????? end me.

and rafayel is beautiful. like he's actually beautiful. his english voice actor makes him sound so fucking bisexual + the bi wife energy whenever you're with him is just. UGH. the game is hilarious whenever he's on screen and obviously with the way the main story has ended for now he's the most intriguing. and while you can feel the pining energy from all three of them, his is just. lowkey the most pathetic. and i eat it up. bro started TEACHING AT HER COLLEGE just for the chance to see her. i like that he's not possessive per se but he is very whiny and attention seeking the sassy man syndrome is real. i need to unlock his myth but i'm not patient so i may very likely just watch it on youtube. i need to see hunter rafayel. i need to see him right now.

the main story is genuinely fascinating. i was a little bit bored up until the explosion happened and it really kicked in. bc suddenly it's not just 3 guys and you doing your best, but you actively investigating and them helping you. like i said i don't have raf's myth and i haven't finished zayne's yet (need more fucking upgrades to his card) so i don't have the full story but at least what i'm getting right now is okay. they're all from the past or future. they all remember?? xavier and rafayel definitely do. zayne knows something about grandma who seems kinda shady to me. i've seen the caleb=sylus or at least caleb lives theories. i saw someone say the man at the end isn't sylus though? and his english va is the same as caleb's but in other languages it's someone else. idk.

idk about the others but xavier's myth being in the future makes sense. i'm pretty sure the timeline goes: in our current timeline, earth is about to go bye-bye and become inhabitable bc of wanderers -> survivors go to philos -> xavier and a new mc are both born -> she dies bc of something in her heart and is reborn bc she's the only one who's truly immortal (everyone else on philos lives forever naturally but can still be killed i think??) -> new lightseeker mc and xavier are meant to become guard and prince respectively but philos is dying -> to save mc from being sacrificed again and again xavier decides to go back in time to find another way where he after at least like 200 years meets current timeline mc

i know what you mean about not being able to see caleb as a love interest. the first time i saw him i genuinely thought they had no need to make my brother this hot what the fuck. and then i realized he was just her childhood friend and i went

and then he blew up 😭

i neeeeeed to see the love interests interact. i mean mc barely thinks about the others whenever she's with one but i really hope in the next arc we actually see them meeting each other. beefing or working together or whatever, i need to know (i may also have already started a fic about what's gonna happen next bc i'm mentally ill). xavier has a tracker on her so he should be able to find her and zayne kinda disappeared off the face of the earth but i want them all back. i want interaction. i want it so bad.

[kdrama-mama]

It’s interesting to me how so many people seem to have had their minds blown by learning that the spiciest parts of Love in the Air have been improvisation on the part of Boss and Noeul. It didn’t surprise me at all. For one thing, you really can’t fake chemistry. The best onscreen pairings (romantic or not, I can think of comedy shows that fit this bill) always have significant chemistry offscreen as well. I’m not speculating on their relationship beyond what they make public, but it’s clear they are exceptionally close and get along very, very well so they have a lot of trust in each other.

But also, what Boss and Noeul described is basically method acting, right? Although method acting tends to involve assuming the character offscreen as well I think, it comes as no surprise to me that their strategy was to become the characters in the moment, two people who are crazy in love and have just begun exploring each other, with Rain learning to express his sexuality for the first time. I’ve thought about this a lot long before this show aired. Even putting the NC scenes aside, I’ve thought about if I were an actor, how would I be able to show being madly in love with someone on my face? That’s one of my favorite things in a romance, the guy (or at least one of the guys in a BL) needs to look stupidly in love when they look at their partner. Bonus if both look that way.

As an autistic individual who has struggled greatly with learning to mask due to my facial expressions being misinterpreted (I tend to stare into space and scowl when I’m thinking hard and people take it personally thinking I’m looking at them), I think the only way I’d be able to achieve the right look on my face would be to imagine that I was truly in love with the other person in that moment. It’s only natural that it applies to kissing/sex scenes as well. Think of the detail we saw onscreen in the moments of intimacy in episodes 4-6. How could that have been choreographed down to those details and still felt natural? I’d be more surprised to learn that the scenes were micromanaged to that degree and been as good as they were because I would think the actors would be too preoccupied thinking about what to do to make it feel like they were going with the flow.

When it comes to sex scenes, I am in general in favor of them to be included and am happy for them to be as explicit as they want to be. I have watched a whole lot of Western premium channel series. BUT there are very, very few sex scenes I’d say I straight up enjoyed. Most fall into meh, and some I find gross and exploitative. For me to enjoy them, I need to really feel the romance onscreen, and the sex needs to feel like a natural development of the couple’s relationship. I don’t begrudge anyone who does like it, but porn isn’t my thing, and I don’t enjoy just sex scenes for the sake of being porn like.

IMO, Love in the Air blows pretty much everything I’ve watched right out of the water. In fact, I went back and watched another favorite of mine (from Outlander), and in comparison it now feels overacted. It’s so strange to me to see criticisms that it’s just mostly porn, like what?! Payu and Rain would be one of my favorite couples ever even without a single NC scene. Their relationship is so healthy and enjoyable to watch develop. But then to see them express themselves sexually in a way that real couples would actually act is the chef’s kiss. To me, the sex feels just as natural as the casual touches they constantly give each other, which is a huge part of what makes them so enjoyable to watch.

[willel]

Since I've been getting a few asks about it btw, I wanted to make my position clear. I don't discuss relationships in the show a lot and you probably only see me speak negatively about some aspects so some clarification might help.

I'm not against the general idea of romance in shows.

When done right, I think a romantic subplot in a show or movie or game can be really good. It can tie together all the themes while not distracting from the main plot. Sometimes even when it's distracting from the main plot, it makes sense and is worthwhile and adds to the main plot.

If you've known my blog for a long time, you'll know I'm not exactly an avid tv show watcher. I still want to provide an example of what I mean though so I'll reference one of the manga I've been reading since I was a teenager.

It's called Skip Beat! I honestly don't know if it's considered popular or niche but I'll give you a general synopsis. The main character, Kyouko Mogami was a girl from the countryside who was basically a glorified maid for her childhood friend, Sho Fuwa. Due to her harsh family circumstances, she grew up in Sho's home and from what we know about their lives, she was being trained (groomed???) to be his future wife. She was fine with it because she loved him.

But Sho wanted to be a star, so against his parents wishes, he took Kyouko with him to the big city to make it big. Which he did and it gave him a bigger head than he already had. He tossed her aside in favor of his new life in a pretty cruel way.

Kyouko vowed vengeance upon him. She would become an even bigger star than him and run him out of town. She vowed to never fall in love again and closed herself off. I know I'm writing this as if it's a sob story, but when I say it's a vengeance plot I mean that literally.

From there, the plot revolves around how far she'll go just for her vengeance. But, as the plot moves along, you can start to see how her icy heart is melting for someone else and how much anguish that brings her. The main plot is about her becoming a star, but the part where she learns to love again (someone else mind you) is a crucial part in all that.

I would suggest you read it butttttt it's the slowest burn in the history of all histories so you might suffer just as much as I have.

I really appreciate how this story might have a big romantic sub plot but it ties in nicely with her goals of self improvement and wanting to be a star, moving on from all her pain and being happy.

When it comes to Stranger Things...... I just do NOT feel that way at all.

Skip Beat! has a love triangle. Honestly at this point, it's more like an octagon and yet it doesn't bother me. There is a lot of "Will they won't they" but it still doesn't bother me.

It may be that Skip Beat! just has a more interesting subplot so the little baby half baked romantic drama in Stranger Things is just boring for me?

Maybe it's that I feel like the romantic drama and tension in Skip Beat! is actually leading somewhere and leads to character development while the romantic drama in Stranger Things feels played up for audience reaction and fandom discourse?

Like sure, Skip Beat! has some fandom discourse but everyone is pretty much on the same page or can, for the most part, respectfully discuss their preferences. With Stranger Things, if you so much as comment on a ship in the wrong way you'll have a gaggle of people harassing you over fictional characters.

To summarize,

I think romantic stuff in tv shows and movies and all that can be really fun, interesting, heartbreaking, all the entertaining things one could want.

I, personally, feel none of that when romantic stuff is happening in Stranger Things. Maybe in the first and second season but beyond that...? For example, while I wouldn't exactly call myself a shipper, I am and was rooting for Jopper from the getgo. (I say that because I think a shipper would be much more invested in the pair. Like fanart, fanfiction, following dedicated blogs etc. I don't really do that)

If the show writers decided to reintroduce Lonnie into the plot and then acted like he had a legitimate chance to get back with Joyce because she starts wavering between Hopper and Lonnie.... do you really expect me to freakin' care? Am I really supposed to care about this love triangle introduced? You actually expect me to get invested in such lazy writing? I just cannot.

My interest in Jopper would probably be eradicated to be honest because they just wasted time with a love triangle instead of developing them as a couple. All that wasted time could've been spent developing the main plot which in turn would've given them more opportunities to write them a s couple working together, protecting each other, etc. You know, substance.

See what I mean? I just... cannot care about Stranger Things ships. It's great if you can though, there are so many reasons to watch a show. Maybe for you, love triangles are the bees knees and the best thing since sliced bread so you'd be eating up another triangle like nobody's business. But that's not me.

I would much rather they focus moving the plot forward, which would naturally create moments between the characters we all care about.

Fandom behavior factors into a bit of this as well of course. Kinda hard to care about or get invested in a relationship if all you see all day is people arguing about canon (which at the end of the day doesn't matter) while also doxxing and harassing each other. Not to mention taking the worst possible interpretation of characters possible just because you think they're in the way of your ship. Dunno how anyone can care about or enjoy a shipping fandom like that.

SO yeah. That's it. Romance is stuff is fine and all, but I just don't jive with how Stranger Things rolled out it's romance stuff so I prefer to think about other things.

[aro-culture-is]

If I were idemromantic and sex positive asexual, would I still be aroace?

I have a very strange relationship with romantic feelings and sexual attraction, and there is only one person (my current & only partner I've ever had) that I have ever considered having sex with

But the fact that I do experience what I consider to be romantic attraction to them specifically makes me wonder whether that means I wouldn't be considered aroace because my relationship to everyone who isn't in my head (including my partner) functions exactly like a romonormative (I don't know if this is the actual term, but I assume that gets the point across (romance-normative)) monogamous relationship would

I do identify with borearomantic and aplatonic as well but I don't know if, because all of these things are combined in such a romonormative way to the point that I no longer function like an aroace person in my life at all, if I would still be considered aroace?

gonna break this ask down for the sake of my processing:

If I were idemromantic and sex positive asexual, would I still be aroace?

To start with - being arospec (idemromantic being under the aro spectrum) and asexual (sex-favorable or otherwise) can mean that you use the term aroace if that's what you prefer! Otherwise, it might be useful to know of the term acemid, meaning asexual and aro-spec. Use whatever labels feel right or bring you community.

I have a very strange relationship with romantic feelings and sexual attraction, and there is only one person (my current & only partner I've ever had) that I have ever considered having sex with

sounds like an aro-spec and ace-spec life to me :)

But the fact that I do experience what I consider to be romantic attraction to them specifically makes me wonder whether that means I wouldn't be considered aroace because my relationship to everyone who isn't in my head (including my partner) functions exactly like a romonormative (I don't know if this is the actual term, but I assume that gets the point across (romance-normative)) monogamous relationship would

so, i'm not 100% sure I understand this, so I'm going to lay out what i think you are asking and respond to that: I'm concerned that because i experience romantic attraction to an individual, and this relationship is pretty standard for a romantic relationship, I am not aromantic enough. (probably searching for the word amatonormative?)

if that's more or less a correct interpretation: that's no problem! i honestly can't think of a single point in the last... decade or so i've been in/on aro tumblr... where we've defined aromanticism as excluding individuals who almost never experience attraction to others, even if those few instances last a long time. I can't say the view hasn't come up, but it's been thoroughly unpopular and disliked for good reasons. Notably, orientations can change, labels are meant to help individuals find community and kinship - not to separate us, and frankly, it's no one else's business to define your identity as "enough".

I do identify with borearomantic and aplatonic as well but I don't know if, because all of these things are combined in such a romonormative way to the point that I no longer function like an aroace person in my life at all, if I would still be considered aroace?

I hope my thoughts are clear at this point, but: if that label feels good at all for you, yes! The only "bad" or "misused" label is one that you don't feel describes you or connects you to others. Ie, I don't feel described by the terms cis, binary trans, or nonbinary - none of those feel good to me or connect me to others in ways I want. Genderqueer, on the other hand, feels good. It feels like a sigh of relief, a knowledge that I don't have to be in a new binary of, well, binary or nonbinary, and my identity is queer fundamentally, so I like the term.

I hope this helps! I'm filing this under the tag "am i aro", as you are not at all the only person with a question like this!

[brzatto]

So, I am a sydcarmy shipper (I second your complaint about the unorganized relationship tagging system it’s a lot lol) but I can understand why some aren’t and would rather their platonic dynamic stay the same. I honestly wouldn’t be mad about that either, because they already have this beautiful bond after such a short amount of time knowing each other, and I have so much love for Sydney and just want her to be supported. There’s still so much they need to go through in this partnership, particularly Carmy proving that Sydney can actually trust him. His behavior this season once he started seeing Claire was so ooc, and I really don’t want “Logan” to come back in a future season. Personally, I think the Carmy x Claire plot line this season turned out how many apprehensive about sydcarmy getting together feared — the restaurant and the found family dynamic is put on the back burner and screen time is wasted spent on John Hughes style meet cutes and surface level flirting about the wonder years and close ups of unending heart eyes, as well as an oddly lit sex scene. If this is what Storer and Co. would go about romance in this show, I’d rather they spar Sydney from it because she’s too multidimensional and enjoyable to be reduced to such a one dimensional role for the sake of a ship. Per JAW, Sydney is his peace and I’m happy with that for now

if i’m being honest about something even as someone who doesn’t ship them i believe sydney and carmy are going to be endgame, or at the very least if they don’t make it explicit they’ll leave us with an open ending between them. even without shipping them there was a lot of moments this season that just felt.. charged? between them that was impossible to ignore. even with everything i didn’t like about this season i want to believe every choice the creators and writers make is deliberate, and with how well executed the first season was it’s harder and harder to believe that all of that beautiful nuance and subtlety could be disposed of so quickly and thoughtlessly.

obviously carmy isn’t at a place in his life where he’s capable of balancing a relationship with his work, regardless of who it’s with—s2 pretty much just showed us that he doesn’t even think of himself as deserving to. in this last season we saw carmy’s behavior with sydney improve: they bond with each other off the clock in carmy’s apartment, they establish new methods of communication with each other, he lets her know that he’s making a conscious effort to be better, he gifts her the custom embroidered chef whites because he knows how much they mean to her. but also at the same time we see the ways in which he continues to overlook or brush her off: he doesn’t understand why sydney seems to make a big deal out of him not letting her know when they took the walls down, he cancels on her last minute in favor of hanging out with claire, as his relationship with claire progresses he leaves sydney to handle the restaurant by herself and unknowingly validates her fears in whether or not she can trust in him as her partner. with the nature of sydney’s character and how well they’ve handled her so far i can’t ever imagine her relationship with carmy being as simple and fluffy and clean cut as claire’s or her character being watered down for their interactions if they did choose to go that way, but if i’m being completely honest i don’t think it’s in character for sydney to want to pursue carmy like that. i don’t think she would be content with or even want to be in a position where she’s romantically involved with anyone who is her coworker, much less her business partner, much less a man she’s idolized and admired and was previously her boss, much less someone like carmy who is (gestures vaguely.) seeing how she reacted to marcus asking her out—who she has a much better, comfortable and more personal relationship with than carmy—pretty much confirmed that for me and i actually was rooting for sydney and marcus for much throughout seasons 1 and 2. everyone makes fun of carmy for his inexperience/aversion to romance but i think he and sydney are both much more alike in that aspect than people realize; we’ve never heard of sydney having a relationship prior to this at all before either, and even if she has she clearly isn’t interested in having one now. she and carmy are both relentlessly singleminded in pursuing their goals, and as a woman in her industry i just don’t think sydney would want her name to be attached to carmy’s in that way—she doesn’t want to be “carmy’s girlfriend,” she wants to be his partner. she wants to be his equal.

there was so much about this season that felt off to me—the fact that they created and introduce a character as one dimensional as claire when they had no trouble creating perfectly human characters with their limited runtime in the first season, the cheap way they tried to tack her into carmy’s history, the strange tension between carmy and sydney whenever claire is involved, the panic attack sequence, the way everything between him and claire fell apart in the last episode. i don’t think the romance between carmy and claire was ever meant to be permanent; she was a plot device, plain and simple, and the driving story continues to exist between carmy and sydney. maybe they won’t ever explicitly be romantically involved but their relationship as it stands even now does have much more depth and nuance than carmy and claire’s, where they’ve left off with each other isn’t perfect just as it wasn’t perfect how they left off at the end of the first season but they’re progressing.

i think that was the true purpose of s2—simply just to show progress, even when it isn’t linear, and that’s why we see carmy form a romantic connection and jump into a relationship so quickly just for everything to unravel by the end of the season. this goes for more than just his relationship with claire too: we see richie and carmy have the heart to heart in the basement in the first episode, carmy’s intentions for richie are revealed during e7 when richie goes to stage, richie admits to claire how much he loves him, richie tells him to his face that he loves him and yet they still both manage to cross lines with one another at the very end during the fight while carmy’s trapped in the walk in and we’re left to wonder how and when they’ll come back from it. i think we’ll continue to see carmy and sydney’s relationship develop in the future season(s), but (regardless of whether or not they are endgame) i don’t think it’ll necessarily be in the way their shippers would want or expect it to be

[levinbolts]

10 and 20 for Valen.

10. What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

ok so i'm always a slut for plopping characters in the exact opposite universe of their canon universe, so i am constantly thinking about normal old valen in a modern setting struggling to survive and make sense of what they want in life. no powers or supernatural elements to be seen. but i also like to think of a modern verse with bits and pieces of their canon (for example, them still having their dark urges and perhaps still being a sorcerer). either way, i already consider that a sort of secondary verse for them, anyway.

but as far as a verse i haven't put too much thought in, i feel like plopping them in the universe of another game (like final fantasy 7 or 15) would actually be pretty fun, considering who valen is as a person. or maybe this is just my want for them to be friends with cloud talking.

20. Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest?

hmmm. yes and no? it depends on what is happening and who is doing it. valen doesn't form attachment (romantic or otherwise) easily. people come and people go, and forming too many attachments too quickly is a recipe for hurt and disaster (a learned lesson). so if the person in question is someone they just have sex with, without a discussion or establishment of a deeper relationship or title, even if it's a good friend that they sleep with regularly, valen will never be jealous of anything they do, no matter what it is. they simply won't care enough to be.

however, if the relationship in question is an established one with mutual connection, things are a bit different. for instance, if they were to see astarion "flirting" with someone right in front of them, they probably wouldn't even bat an eye; they know the type of person astarion is, and would assume that there is a reason he's doing what he's doing (and that it isn't because he has any genuine interest in whoever it is). however, if there was any indication that astarion was seeking a genuine connection from someone else without so much as speaking to them about it first...well. he'd be single and laid out on the ground.

valen isn't a jealous or possessive person and has an oddly neutral approach to love and romance; they'll be alright with almost anything (within reason) that's properly communicated to them beforehand—and will do the same, should the need arise, like with halsin—and most definitely is not opposed to their partner having multiple partners. all they ask for is respect and communication. and maybe to at least know/meet the person beforehand.

the only occasion where they will absolutely get jealous or upset is an occasion where they feel they're being replaced or neglected in favor of someone else, in which case they'll be outspoken about that feeling (with varying emotions, depending on the severity of the neglect; they can be either calm and sensible OR angry and spiteful). because despite them being alright with their partner having others on the side, they still want to be important in their life.

[my-strange-attraction]

I think the reason I’ve been so inactive on this blog recently, aside from being back at college and busy, has to do with the slow move away from aspec labels I’ve been doing over the years and how it feels much more like a betrayal now that I’ve finally put it out there and changed the labels on my bios and all that. I preach a lot about fluidity within labels and fluidity of labels, but when it comes to applying it to my own life I’ve had trouble. 

From the moment I identified as ace (pretty much a full four years ago at this point) and then aro (two and a half years ago) I’ve felt constricted. I’ve struggled, if you look back on this blog, several times with feeling like I need to let go of the idea that I will ever find romance or have a partner in that way, and though I think it’s healthy for everyone to consider that they might not find a life partner ever, I think viewing it as an objective truth really troubled me because, well, I do want it. 

I’m a romantic at heart, and for the longest time, even though I know all the aspec terminology for romance/sex favorability and I’m very well aware of how diverse the community is and I’ve actively helped to spread that information, I always had this idea in my head anyways that ace/aro people can’t want sex/romance even if they do enjoy it while it is happening. 

Obviously that’s not true and a label can’t stop you from wanting whatever you want or feeling however you feel, and I think many people who have the exact same feelings I do still enjoy the aroace label, but I needed a change. Not just for how I see myself, but for how others see me as well. I struggled against the ace label initially all those years ago because, even having never had a crush before in my life, I was still worried that if I labelled myself that way I would be telling others I’m not available, and cutting off my chances of ever dating at all.

I don’t think the label has actually done that. In fact, it saved me from a really awkward situation with someone I was friends with for a short time last year who ended up being really toxic for me, so it has helped me avoid bad situations that I might have fallen into due to my desire for a relationship. But I had to say goodbye to it, which was what my last post (that wasn’t a reblog or an answer to an ask) was about. 

God I’m rambling so much. Back to the original point of this post: I haven’t been posting so much on this blog, because leaving behind my aspec labels made me feel guilty. I started this blog and built up the community around being aspec. And I may have abandoned all the previous branding that connected it to being an aspec blog at this point, but it’s still the community. It’s still what I’m known for. And I don’t want to abandon my aspec content, but I also want to post about my other queer experiences that don’t have to do with being aspec specifically. And honestly posting about aspec things is still a bit uncomfy for me right now, just because I left behind the labels for a reason and I feel like posting about them associates me with them.

This is not to say I’ll never post about being aspec again or that I’ll only post about being generally queer. I don’t know honestly what this is saying, but I like to be very open and honest about my experiences relating to me being queer on this blog, and this is the explanation I felt the most need to make. 

Tl;dr I am queer now, not aspec. This does not mean I don’t still have aspec exeriences, but I’m feeling disconnected from them currently and felt the need to change my label. I will probably be posting less about being aspec rather than just generally queer from now on, but rest assured, I always will answer any advice asks like please still ask me about aspec things I am a fountain of information and advice! You can still think of me as an aspec blog, I just felt the need to post this explanation as a sort of announcement about why my blog might seem different going forward.

Sorry even my tl;dr was long. If you have a problem with it, you must be new here, hi I’m cloudy and my original post tag is cloudy rambles and that’s all you really need to know to understand my posting style. If you made it all the way here, thanks for sticking with me! If you didn’t, I understand, haha. I will try to post more from here on out now that I’ve explained myself, because I really do want to come back to this blog and this wonderful community. Some queer confusion/ struggles just have to be dealt with less publicly than others, I guess. Or just less in real time. But I’m back now, I hope!

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

Books I’ve read so far in 2022!

Friend me on Goodreads here to follow my more up to date reading journey for the year!

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163. Small Favors by Erin A. Craig--⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

I really wanted to read this book because a few of my friends had read it and really enjoyed it. While this reminded me of AGNES AT THE END OF THE WORLD, I think it definitely felt like a much slower read.

SMALL FAVORS is one of those books that needs to be read on a summer afternoon with the sound of bees buzzing around you. It was definitely an incredibly atmospheric read. While I personally found it to be a little TOO slow of a build up to the setting and mood of the story, I can see why so many people have fallen in love with this creepy story. There are some great characters and a potential romance/romantic drama to keep you hooked. The commentary on sexism and misogyny were pretty great and I at times wanted to slap a wall because of the annoying male characters in the MC's life. The slow build up of madness in the small town, the unknown year, and the creepy woods all made for an interesting experience . The unknown year was especially intriguing because it made me think: Is this a cult or something? Or is it actually over a hundred years ago and I just missed that point? I also have a few questions about some potential plot holes, but I won't mention them because spoilers. So, to end this short and rambling review, this story had some enjoyable themes and great build up of tension in the town. I do think it could have been much shorter, but I know I am in the minority. Stuff does pick up at the end, but I found it to be a little too quickly, ironically. I'd recommend this to horror fans that love that super slow build up of terror and those who also love tales about things that go bump in the night and could potentially rip you to pieces.

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164. Beautiful Country by Qian Julie Wang--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Every time I come across a book about immigration, I add it to my TBR immediately because I know it will be a) super relatable and b) an incredibly powerful reading experience. Also, this quest of mine to read more immigration stories sometimes has me picking up autobiographies like this one and I'm so glad for it. I've been reading the series FRONT DESK by Kelly Yang (if you haven't picked up this middle grade series, I highly recommend you do--especially if you loved this book), and I have always thought about the immigration experience of Asian families--especially during the 80s and 90s. BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY gave me that experience I've been curious about and I honestly couldn't help but be drawn to the similarities and how I could finally read a nonfiction experience that is so close to a fictional story I love so much. Qian Julie Wang shows us in her book not only the xenophobia her family faced when they moved to the US, but also the poverty, and stereotypes kids often face when they have yet to learn English (or any new language). The latter brought back memories of my time trying to learn English and the bullying I sometimes endured because of a mispronounced word, or the assumption that I was weak and dumb because I didn't know English like a native-born speaker. I wanted to give young Qian a big hug when she was experiencing this because of the added fear put into her that to speak up meant attention, and attention was something her father never wanted her to grab. The story also explores the complex relationship and expectations between children of immigrants and immigrant parents. I do think that some children are denied that naïveté that sometimes comes with being a young age and Qian was no different. The jarring conversations she sometimes had with her mother, or the way other adults would talk down to her ABOUT her family was incredibly off-putting. It shows us that not only do these struggling families have to deal with xenophobia, but they also have to deal with the judgment and prejudices of members in their own communities. I also want to comment on the fact that we get to see so much nineties commentary! The flashbacks to certain toys and activities that Qian wrote for us was quite the experience. I remember always getting some toys late because my immigrant parents had to work double time. Personally, in retrospect, I wish I had appreciated those items more. Especially now that I fully know the scope of just how hard they worked. One last thing: I never even thought about other immigrants doing this, but Qian comments on "shopping days" and it brought back so many memories. My parents used to do the same thing and I still have two of the bookcases that they acquired for me on those shopping days. While I am not a Chinese immigrant and my experience varied in many ways (one way being that we immigrated to Canada and not the US), I think books like Qian's are incredibly important because it helps other immigrants see that they are not alone. Your experience is uniquely yours, but you are not the only one experiencing immigration struggles. Books that touch on the poverty, the xenophobia, and the stereotypes placed on non-native speakers hold a special place in my heart. This was an incredible book and I think it's important for many people to read it.

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165. The Sun Down Motel by Simone St. James--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I have been having a really weird reading experience over the last couple of weeks and I blame being burnt out on audiobooks. Needless to say, I almost DNFed this one because of my reading slump, not because of the book itself. One of the main reasons why I DIDN'T DNF this was because it was genuinely entertaining. I loved the spooky aspects and the true crime plot line. I'm usually put off by the back and forth of timelines, but I think this story seriously benefitted from the author choosing to present the story like this. I also liked the slow reveal and the tragic consequence of actions that can very much be compared to moments in our very real history where certain things have been ignored, or certain people have been set free when it was known that something bad was about to happen. Also, the conclusion was very fitting. If you like super atmospheric paranormal murder mysteries, then you might really enjoy this one. Also, don't read this with the lights off.

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166. Debating Darcy by Sayantani DasGupta--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I enjoyed this a lot more than I thought I would! This was a very quick adaptation of PRIDE & PREJUDICE and I thought it was entertaining to see the story presented in such a unique setting. I found the quotes from P&P put into the book hilarious because it worked really well with the whole theme of elocution. Especially that last monologue from a certain character we all know has a big speech at the end that Elizabeth puts in her place. I enjoyed the discussion of sexism in debate competitions because I had no idea. I also found that since this theme was explored in this book, a certain situation played well into the message. The MC was spectacularly prideful, to the point where I was thinking, "Girl, again?" Is this a perfect read? No. Is it fun with some cute characters and some interesting commentary that teens might have (because teenagers are more vocal than some adults think they are--stop underestimating them)? Absolutely. ___

167. The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

This was an interesting and quick listen. I didn't know what to expect and I'm glad I went in blind. Time is something that so many of us take for granted and then wish we could have it back, have more of it, or have less of it when life hits us with big moments. Whether we are suffering from grief, are afraid of what comes next, or wish we weren't spending all of our time feeling lonely, I think appreciating the time we actually have is an important thing. Albom's book explores two characters who have vastly different time-related situations. It also explores the consequences of wanting more than we are given because of the fear of the grief that comes with letting go. Read this if you want some introspection about the time you're given, but TW for suicide, depression, cancer, and grief.

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168. Hard Hitter by Sarina Bowen--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

While I enjoyed this one for the most part (the spice and the sexual tension were great in this one), the female MC had me thinking "Come on, girl" a couple of times regarding the decisions she would make. I loved that this one had an edge of suspense to it. It felt slightly different than other Bowen books I've read. Much like the last two books I read in this series, this one also dealt with some heavier themes and I highly recommend you check out the trigger warnings! I will happily continue with this series because I am loving the hockey guys and the women they meet. I also love this author's writing and the tension she creates between the couples in each book.

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Have you read any of these? Would you recommend them?

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Happy reading!

[bumblyburg]

ted lasso finale thoughts

Need the richmond women's team spinoff NOW!!!!!!!!!!! And it better have LESBIANS i swear to god!!!!!!!

As always the strongest part of this ep was the team dynamics. Roy joining the diamond dogs. Isaac with the penalty kick!!!! The fucking dance sequence callback T^T theres no place like afc richmond <3 Them winning the match but losing the whole thing was a good balance of success vs realism. I didn't know enough about football to predict it beforehand LOL but that probably worked in my favor bc i genuinely didnt know whether they would win or lose. Rebecca and ted's friendship was heartwarming as always. I was living in fear that they'd become a couple even though i knew that wasn't what the writers were going for, so I probably need to rewatch to fully enjoy it.

Tedependent lost RIP. it would have made sense but at the same time im kinda glad they didn't, at least this season. trent was still very much a side character and i just don't think the story beats were there for tedtrent endgame. the story would have had to been constructed differently, or it would need another season. I also liked how the main focus was ted & rebecca's friendship rather than either of their romantic relationships. I love a good romance but its not what this story is about.

Thats part of the reason why the dutchman return felt cheap to me lol. Sorry rebecca im always rooting for you but i just wasn't feeling it. Another part of that is probably because Ted and Trent had a much stronger foundation and we still didn't get to see even their friendship develop as much as i would have liked. Maybe ive been spoiled by all the trent this season idk. but i was just hoping for a little more. After all, it's not lost on me that we only got one confirmed gay couple at the end (we don't even know anything about Michael!!! Ugh sorry Im a michael hater he's so boring.)

Speaking of boring, I simply do not care about ted's family. So him moving back was... not really compelling for me. like none of the kansas characters are fleshed out at all. i wish they had done something more interesting with them so i could actually get invested. There was something there with michelle dating their couples therapist, but it ended up falling flat imo. Also Michelle being a teacher is a total copout, I would have preferred if she had an unexpected job that revealed a new side to her. Give her a personality outside of being a wife/mother/caretaker please and thank you.

I did like how Royjamie was left openended!!! thats the ship i care most abt and i knew it wasnt going to *actually* happen so im satisfied with what we got. I am in the (im assuming) minority of royjamie enjoyers that is against roykeeleyjamie. This episode really hammered it in why roy and jamie are not good for keeley LOL, but the signs have been there all along. Keeley needs to be her own boss for a bit! Roy and jamie are just not at her maturity level (lovingly), and they've got some misogyny to work through.

(I need to think on it more, but I'm pretty sure that I liked the way this episode/season handled the Roy And Jamie Are Lowkey Sexist subplot. Like the whole fighting over a woman thing is soooo trite atp, and i still dont know how i feel about them physically fighting over her or whatever. but the story was realistic about how these asshole male footballers are going to have some weird views about women, while still shutting that down those views. like not even giving them the time of day. Keeley literally shoos them out without a word LMAO. So idk need to think about it more but at least keeley didnt end up with either of them).

Hey you know who DOES deserve each other.... and makes each other better people, as represented by their football training arc.... the student is the teacher and the teacher is the student etc etc…… Anyways royjamie is real TO ME!!! (And brett goldstein and phil dunster, number one royjamie warriors. phil dunster wrote royjamie smut I will never get over that)

Overall im sad to see ted lasso go. i think i need to sit with all 3 seasons a bit more before forming my full opinion, but s1 will always have my heart. Mostly because evil jamie and evil rebecca are so so fun to watch.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #050

(did this one last night but went to bed before actually posting AHHHHHHHH)

Are you a fan of My Chemical Romance? Yes. How did you get your most noticeable scar? I don't know which scar that would be. Do you like to vent on social media? NO. I barely share AAAAAANYthing relating to my personal life on major social media platforms like Facebook these days. What is your favorite thing to put whipped cream on? I absolutely hate the texture of whipped cream, so nothing. If you have any piercings, what color is your jewelry? Silver. Do you own any ripped jeans? My jeans HAD to have some tears back in high school, but I haven't worn jeans in maaaaany years. Are your parents dog or cat people? Is that different or the same as you? My mom is definitely a dog person; big ol' happy dogs bring her SO much joy. I see my dad more as a dog person too, however he and Kim have only owned cats to my knowledge, and Kim is a BIG cat person. Both of them love each though, like me, though I favor cats more. What's your favourite flavour of potato chip? I honestly really like just regular, ruffled potato chips with a bit of salt to 'em. What video games remind you of your childhood? Spyro and Crash Bandicoot more than any others. I also had this 102 Dalmatians PS1 game I really loved where you could play as Domino or Oddball rescuing their siblings. Are there are sounds that bother you on a visceral level? Probably, but I'm blanking. Did you have a large circle of friends in high school? Nah. Would you ever get a matching tattoo with someone? I actually really want to get a mama/baby bear set with my mother, if that counts. We just haven't figured out a confident design for it. My mom's always wanted a tattoo, and I had the idea of at LEAST my two immediate sisters, me, and Ma getting something to start. She fits the phrase "mama bear" fucking viciously and she loves the idea, so maybe one day. I've THOUGHT of getting something with my future spouse on like our honeymoon or something, but I'm not 100% on that. I've already made the mistake twice of getting tattoos tied to people I no longer want on my body. Do you have any sisters? How is your relationship with them? I have a lot of sisters and my relationships with them are basically non-existent because I fucking suck + two don't live here + one I don't even know. What's the most romantic thing you've ever done? Man idk, ask the people I've been with. Is there any soda in your fridge right now? Yeah... I've completely gotten back into the habit of drinking it, too much of it. What's your favourite name for a girl? Pretty sure it will always be Alessandra. I did recently realize though through a game how much I love the name Miquella ("me-kel-luh") for a girl, too. Do you know anyone who has a matching tattoo with someone? (including yourself)? Well, our designs are nothing alike, but Colleen and I both got "ohana" tattoos maaaaany years ago that were dedicated to each other. Now I VERY much want it covered, as referenced before. Favorite dog ever, real life and cartoon. My late boy, Teddy. He was a GOOD damn dog in every way and I don't think I'll ever bond with another animal quite like him. He was simply incredible. As far as a cartoon dog, uhhh... maybe Scooby. Do you own anything with fur on it? What? I would never, ever own anything with real fur, no. What would be worse for you, unplanned pregnancy or cancer? This is probably gonna sound fucking wild, but probably unplanned pregnancy. I couldn't carry it to term and I KNOW an abortion would traumatize me because of how I grew up looking at it, the stigma, etc. It doesn't matter HOW pro-choice I am now. Like I absolutely don't want to deal with cancer either, that's still awful, but that experience wouldn't traumatize me for the rest of my life. What do you think is the coolest piercing on someone else? I'm quite fond of lip piercings as a whole. Favorite faux curse word: h e c k Most disgusting bug? Maggots. Are there any songs that remind you of your mother? Ha ha, yeah. I think the top is probably "Wherever I May Roam" by Metallica; she LOVES that song and even wants the lyric "my body lies, but still I roam" imprinted on her urn (she doesn't want to be buried) or something. Can you recite any prayers by heart? Not anymore. Which is creepiest - caterpillars, cicadas, crickets, centipedes, or cockroaches? Oh, jeez. I think cicadas; their eyes WILDLY creep me out and I can't quite explain why. Like I don't even like seeing their molts. Big centipedes are also very intimidating, and I've heard plenty that their bites SUCK. A centipede is the last one I would hold, that's for certain. Meanwhile caterpillars are adorable, crickets are whatever, and cockroaches can be disgusting en masse, but they also can be sorta cute to me...? idk bro Who do you care about the most? My mom and Girt. What’s your favorite kind of dinosaur? Spinosaurus. I also love raptors, especially how velociraptors supposedly looked when I was younger. Classification has gone so much deeper and become more accurate though that I don't know the ACTUAL raptor species that's my favorite. Do you have a doorbell? Yes. Do you ever experience dysphoria? I have a wildly severe rejection sensitive dysphoria. Do you know anyone who has diabetes? My mom. I know people who have died from complications with it, too. I'm pre-diabetic myself and need to fucking fix that because it's taken enough from me and my family. What is your dad’s name? Ken. Did you have an Elf on the Shelf growing up? I don't think so. Have you ever been blueberry picking? No. What is your favorite dog breed? I have a few, including chow chows, akita and shiba inus, Saint Bernards, beagles, Mexican hairless, etc. I love so many dogs, hard to narrow 'em down. Have you ever fed ducks? Oh of course, especially as a kid. Do you like elephants? Elephants are simply amazing on so many levels. Do you know anyone named Emily? I HAD a good online friend named Emily growing up. Then she deleted me from Facebook many years ago. Do you have your ears pierced? Yeah, twice in each earlobe, and my right tragus is pierced. I want a lot more and once HAD more, but they closed duing hospital stays where they had to be removed. Do you know anyone who can speak French? Not fluently for sure, but my mom took French when she was in school growing up. She still knows some random words and stuff. Do you like Frozen? I never got into it, honestly. Like it has some cute parts and all, but it just didn't touch me like it seemed to do most people. Do you have any framed photos/pictures in your room? Yes, of Teddy and Roman. Who is one of your heroes? Mark Fischbach. Do you like Indian food? I've actually never tried Indian cuisine. Do you use Instagram often? I check it every day, but I like never post anything on any account I have there, lol. Have you ever had key lime pie? Ugh, yes. Did not like it. Have you ever found a newt? Possibly. I know I've found salamanders, but not all of those are newts. I don't know how to tell. Are you wearing a necklace currently? No. Do you prefer pancakes or waffles? I go back and forth, really. What is one question you don't like being asked? "Why don't you work?" is one. Do you like raspberries? Eh, they're fine. Do you know anyone who is a vegetarian? No. Have you ever been in a wedding? Yeah, my older sister's. What is your favorite day of the week? Every day is the same day in my world, really. There's no differences. Have you ever read the Warriors series? Oh, HELL yes. That series was a massive part of me growing up. I can't remember where I stopped, though... Some times I think of picking it back up, but that's a problem along with just not being willing to make time for it when I'm already reading other things. Do you know anyone whose name starts with "X?" I don't think so. Name something you like that is the color yellow. Flowers. Did your parents have high expectations for you to excel in school and go to college/university? Growing up, Mom was very serious about us kids going to college, but I think particularly with raising me, she learned college just isn't for everyone. Do you ever feel super shitty about your appearance? Oh, you know, every day. When you were a teenager, did your parents set rules about dating? Not really. Do you remember where you first drove to after getting your license? I don't have my license. What did you get into trouble for the most when you were a kid? I guess fighting with my sisters, but I didn't get in a lot of trouble. What is your biological sex? Female. Are you in a heterosexual relationship? It's male/female, yes, but I'm personally not heterosexual. What states have you been to in the past year? I haven't left NC in the past year. Have you ever sleepwalked? No. What year was your house built? I have zero idea. I'm quite sure it's not THAT old What's your favorite superhero movie? I remember I particularly enjoyed Logan. Had zero bond with the character beforehand and it still made me cry very genuinely. Do you have any credit card debt? I don't even have a credit card. Have you ever been really late for work because you slept past your alarm? No. Who do you go to for relationship advice? It depends on what the problem is, really. It's either gonna be Mom or Mazzy and Tez. What was your favorite way to spend a summer day as a kid? Swimming. Have you ever been scammed? Yes. Did you ever take a personal finance class in school? No. How's your mental health? Are you feeling well? Hell fucking no. I've been suicidal this evening and hating myself for two or three days. I'm starting to come out of the urges, but. What's something that would make you incredibly happy right now? If Girt could come over. Have you ever been to the Caribbean? No. What’s the most recent album you’ve been really into? Sometimes I think about Rammstein's Zeit and praise the stars they put me on this earth at the same time it was released. Do you have any concerts you’re planning on attending? No, but I wish. Rammstein is finally in the NA leg of their tour now and of course the closest venue to here is in fucking Philadelphia, kms. Have you ever lived in a mobile home? No. Have you ever had your bedroom in a basement? I've never lived anywhere with a basement. Do you think it would be cool to have a lion as a pet? No. Only highly trained professionals should even be in CONTACT with a lion, and they should never, ever be personal pets. In the house: shoes, socks, slippers or bare feet? Bare feet. Do you consider dogs inside or outside pets? Primarily, indoors, but I believe bigger dogs should absolutely have an outdoor (AND SAFE) space to exert their energy. Have you ever had a crush on a friend's parent? Ew, no. Favorite thing that you can see up in the sky? The full moon. But I love stars, too. Clouds. Everything up there. Friend asks you to hide drugs, booze etc for them, do you do it? Dude I would say "hell no" directly to their face. Don't even ASK me that. Animal you like to watch but sort of creeps you out? Spiders are the strongest answer. I love 'em, but some still have a creepiness to 'em. Who is a family member you look forward to seeing on a holiday? My dad. Which of your parents do you laugh more with? Hm, idk. Have you ever been to an open casket wake or funeral? An open-casket wake, yes. Who mows the lawn at your house? My sister's ex. I think. Where do you keep your phone at night? Under Girt's pillow beside me. Do you feel comfortable asking your parents or grandparents for money? HELL no. Have you ever experienced buyer's remorse over an expensive purchase? No; it's not like I've bought many expensive things myself.

[muselin]

My Cancer Mars never prevented me from fucking around, I never felt guilt or regrets but my intention never was to go for one night stands. It was more of a serial dating situation that would start out quick, passionate and pretty fucking awesome but then fizzle out quickly. But it did tend to lock a connection between me and the other person, no matter how fleeting the encounter was. I have a lot of exes I stayed friends with and who still seek me out even after 7-10 years or however long. They didn't feel like I was right for them at the time but they sure as heck didn't forget me, and I'm not on bad terms with any of them//

You know? I've heard that alot with Cancer Mars actually. Honestly, I know so many Cancerians, my mum is one actually and many people say they're romantic but I don't feel Cancer placements are.

I feel a lot of ppl confuse nurture with romance and Cancerians are nurturing but they're not necessarily romantic.

Many ppl I know with Cancer placements will sacrifice romantic feelings for the sake of emotional security.

It's like emotional intimacy is an added bonus you know?

I am honestly embarrassed at how much lack of experience I have.

The last person I kissed was 3 years ago, there is no one around that I am even emotionally infatuated with.

There could be someone who is with me but they haven't told me so idk *shrugs shoulders*

And I have honestly thought about going to one of my guy friends and being like 'bro, can you do me a favor?' and then I was like,

'Na, it would be too embarrassing and awkward afterwards' haha

Haha I'm definitely not the most romantic, but I was a lot more romantic with Libra partners, they're like my kryptonite. Mars isn't the planet of romance anyway, and I have an Aries Venus 🤣 You're onto something with the nurturing aspect, I feel like my Cancer Mars does make me rather protective of people. When I meet younger people or some I sense to be somewhat less savvy or street-wise, I assume a protective or mentoring role very easily, without thinking about it. I'm not really nurturing in other aspects though, my Cancer Mars is my only Cancer placement.

It sucks having nothing going on in the romantic department when you want something to be happening. I would have definitely had the same thought as you about asking a friend if I had one that I was at least somewhat attracted to 😅 This is just my observation but it seems like post-pandemic people have got more reserved about entering relationships or even just hookups. You'd think it would be the other way around, that after such a long time they'd go a little nuts, but maybe it's about feeling safe. Leaving the comfort zone seems to have become harder for a lot of people.

This is the cheesiest thing ever, but after a long bachelorette career I've found that confidence is just so important. Unbelievably so. And I didn't have it for a long time, but "fake it till you make it" does work to eventually, as long as behind the scenes you're genuinely working on gaining real confidence. And a little manifesting doesn't hurt 😅

[ganymedesclock]

So I discovered the trailer for Belle (2021), and it’s making me think about what I love about Beauty and the Beast riffs, and what makes a story scratch that particular itch for me or not.

And I think a huge part of it for me is the examination of monstrosity as a social role. To just use Disney’s animated classic as my base for comparison here, Adam, The Beast, is not literally cursed with fur and fangs, claws and horns- he has those things, and may have mixed feelings about them, others certainly have bad reactions to them-

-his curse is ostracization. His curse is to not be seen as human. What actual, physical features he has are irrelevant to that. They’re just quirks he can learn to live with, or a further excuse to tell himself he deserves this isolation, this frustration, this misery.

So the breaking of the curse, to me, is not the scene where Belle sobs confirmation of what we knew well before then into his stilling chest and brings him back, minus those quirks- if anything, that his happiness comes with the loss of those things has seemed to me (and I’m not alone) as almost something of a betrayal depending on how it’s framed.

By contrast, to me, the breaking of the curse is the ballroom scene, and the moments leading up to it. Adam returns to Adam, rather than The Beast, at the point that he decides that he deserves to be treated like a human being- not as a labor of love from Belle, but from himself. Yes, it’s love with Belle that they dance together, that they have this ball scene when there’s no high society to impress, but before that point, he had to make a decision; that he can clean up and dress nice and have an evening. That he deserves to.

When we first see The Beast, he has all of the means and resources to act like a prince, to present like one. He could make himself comfortable and be surrounded by splendor, but the truest thing he suffers under is he’s ceased to see himself as worth the effort. It’s not as if he could cut the fur down and prune back his claws, file down the horns, and look the way he feels he ought to- the way he thinks he should. He’s broken every mirror in his house except for the one he hides from, and this is a gesture of absolute defeat. He knows what he looks like. He can’t pretend he doesn’t. The only way he can tolerate this is not looking at himself.

As a neurodivergent queer person, the monster in the mirror is something I have a very complicated relationship with. I have an “advantage” in some ways. My appearance is not shocking to most people. I do not benefit from an obvious mobility aid or assistive device; I speak within a range people think of is normal. I have an “unusual haircut” for a “girl” and I don’t aggressively correct people on my pronouns or presentation.

But I’ve always had this feeling, that perhaps, my fangs and fur were simply easy things to trim off, and it’s so easy to wonder, would I still be okay if they weren’t? Because really, it’s none of the granular details that make a monster. For every imagined horror creature, there’s almost certainly a real animal it resembles, and real animals are not monsters. A monster is a monster; anything else, we believe, has a place, has a home. Deserves to exist.

To be a monster is to be a thing that doesn’t fit, or, more directly, to be a monster is to be a thing that is unaccepted. Rejected for not fitting. Unworthy of love, from within, or without.

At the end of the day, I know, factually, I am not a monster. I know that I’m a real person. I know that I deserve dignity and respect and love, even if only from myself. I’m not owed another person to love me just to prove that I can be, but, also, no man is an island; as humans we seek each other one way or another, romantically or platonically. That’s a fact of anyone, not just people who struggle to see a real person when they look at their reflection.

And yet, at this same time, I can’t help but feel betrayed, left behind, when the narrative goes that if the monster does everything right its reward is to be shaped into the likeness of a Real Human Being. Because you can’t just pull a feathered skin off me and make me like I “should be”, like my various diagnoses and self-identifications all present me as an aberration from. If you showed me a me without any of those qualities, that’s honestly the thing I’m the most afraid of, a me without me. A Miss Perfect who’s a good, normative daughter, and in my insecurity I wonder if people would like her so much better than me that they wouldn’t miss if I was gone.

Which, that’s nonsense. I know a lot of people who care about me the way I am. But nobody ever said fears had to be rational.

At the end of the day, as much as I hate the idea of being a monster to others, I also relish the notion of qualities that are categorized as monsters. I love dragons. I love putting big, horrible teeth and leering eyes and wings and claws on heroic characters. Because brought into the light, qualities are just qualities. And if you bring those qualities into the favoring, soft light of stories about human connection, romances, queerplatonic bonds, friendships and found family alike, those qualities can even be charming, alluring, inspiring; a character can look like anything and we still feel a rush of reassurance that this specific character is there.

And that’s the other side of Beauty and the Beast: Adam is running away from being a monster, and Belle is trying to run away from who she is, too. Because Belle is the other side of that trap.

Let’s be honest; it isn’t just that Belle’s an outspoken woman with opinions. It’s that she’s pretty. She’s the prettiest girl in town. She’s someone people want, people have expectations for- and those expectations have little room for what she actually wants. Hell, that’s one of the major dangerous driving forces of the climax- Adam nearly gets murdered by a mob because Belle made a choice that her community really didn’t like, especially Gaston, and it’s easy to point to Adam as the wrong choice because he’s pointy.

“Beauty”, as much as “The Beast”, are dehumanizing categories that people are sorted into. The doll and the monster. One is considered beneath monstrosity; beguiling, an object of appeal and desire but not someone with opinions, oh no, and not someone able to make a choice that you disagree with. People driven to the fringes by opposing forces but regardless find each other in the place they’re trying to find room to breathe in.

And that, I think, is one way some of these riffs can, for me personally, miss the point- and that’s not a mark against them, it’s just that there’s a specific thing I see in this story, and it’s very specifically not, “to be beautiful and desirable to mass public consumption is the way to be happy; we will have a story about how to rehabilitate someone so they can be beautiful too” but rather, “what does it mean when people stop seeing you as yourself, whether the alternative is perfection or a monster? what would you do to be seen clearly?”

[picwew]

SQUAD UP! It’s time for Yuna and his crew of miscreant demons!

(Picrews are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here!)

The characters are, top to bottom, left to right--

Nakajima, Yuna: A human with unusually high magical potential. His specialty is the binding of demons into servitude, which he utilizes to stop particularly troublesome demons from threatening human populations across the globe. Most of the demons under his care were seduced by him, as he has quite a knack for making men want him. As such, several of his servants are vying for his favor, but, in his own words, “I don’t play favorites~”

Obviously, Yuna is a bit of a flirt. His tastes extend well beyond demons, into just about any non-human he can get his hands on. He has a ravenous appetite for handsome men, but no plans to settle down any time soon. It isn’t that romance doesn’t appeal to him, more that he’s still young and a little too free-spirited for anything permanent. The way he dotes on his servants, though, you’d certainly think he was in love with them, Nihil in particular.

Mourning Dove: Affectionately referred to by his coworkers as “Dovey”, this little fellow was the first of Yuna’s servants, and is therefore his most staunch defender. The details of his past are hazy, even in his own mind, but he was born into the slave trade, nameless, nothing, the psychological toll of which would not become apparent until his eventual escape. He was full of hatred for the humans who had callously treated him as property, and claimed many lives before Yuna was able to soothe his aching heart. “You’re pretty as a mourning dove,” Yuna told him. From that moment on, he decided that this would be his name.

Dovey is, above all, an empath. Much of his time recovering from a life of slavery was spent learning to feel again. Once he got the hang of it, however, he found that he felt a little too much, so much so that he’s become somewhat of a crybaby. When others are in pain, he is often the one to comfort them. His sweet disposition and cute appearance have earned him his coworkers’ love, although they still get a bit miffed with him whenever he tries to hog Yuna’s attention.

Dr. Callaway: An interesting case, and a tough nut to crack. Only Yuna knows his full name; no one knows his story. All he’s shared is that he was fingered for human experimentation, and that, no, he has neither learned his lesson nor wishes to. Still, he behaves himself well enough, perhaps because he is entirely obsessed with Yuna in the most unhealthy way. While most of his coworkers consider one another family, Dr. Callaway is detached and often mocking of their sentimentality.

As expected, Dr. Callaway is a terrible sadist. He takes great pleasure in hurting others in any way he can. Nowadays, this is limited almost entirely to insults and threats, but he has been known to get physical with others when Yuna isn’t looking. It doesn’t help that nothing seems to bother him in return. You could beat the man senseless, and he’d come out of it grinning like a jackal.

Corvo: This one was a misunderstanding--or, rather, a case of cultures clashing in a very gruesome manner. Corvo is a hybrid of demon and crowkin. Beastkin are not true demons, but are often lumped in with them, so mixed-race families are not uncommon. Unfortunately, this can lead to some problematic offspring, particularly when one or both of the parents are detached from human society. Corvo, like many crowkin, was taught that food is food, and that human meat is the most delicious of all. He bore no ill will toward humans, but his view of them as, essentially, cattle culminated in a visit from Yuna.

Following his binding, Corvo began the lengthy process of finding something he liked more than human flesh. This, as it turned out, was sweets--all sweets, from pastries, to ice cream, to candy. He had never had sweets before, and everyone agreed that they suited his bubbly, affectionate personality more than human flesh anyway. He is certainly the gentlest of all of Yuna’s servants, dedicated to his family and to protecting those in need. He’s especially fond of cats.

Erebus: Known by those who worship him as the Master of Crows, Erebus is an ill-understood being. He is ancient, but has had little to do with his own kind since time out of mind. Instead, he appears to have become so entwined with his worshipers that he can no longer live without their faith to sustain him. During the Northern Crusades, a great many of them were persecuted for their faith, and Erebus fell into a centuries-long slumber. Only when his followers began to grow in number again did he wake--and command those loyal to him to seek vengeance for their fallen brethren. Naturally, Yuna had a thing or two to say about that.

Erebus is highly asocial, but does not dislike his coworkers. It would be a stretch to say he views them as family; even so, he gets along well with them on the rare occasion Yuna can talk him out of his comfortable pocket of darkness. As the oldest of his colleagues, he is respected and even admired, but he cares little for the love of his own kind. He desires mortal love, which he receives through his worshipers. Due to their number still being relatively low, you’ll rarely catch him awake. Only Yuna seems able to rouse him, and only because Yuna is his “most cherished one”.

Mage: A troublemaker with a bark worse than his bite--but he can and will bite, so mind your fingers. Like Dr. Callaway, his true name is known only to Yuna. His coworkers know him as Mage, taken from Magenta, the name of the rather nasty chemical he produces to draw in his prey. He doesn’t harm them, but he has seduced many a married man away from his wife. Causing strife among couples is what he does best. As an incubus, he finds the taste of a married man’s energy too sweet to resist. So, of course, when he found himself seduced by Yuna, he was completely baffled--and absolutely obsessed. He still toys with married men now and then, when he gets the chance, but spends most of his time trying to talk Yuna back into bed.

Though rare, Mage can be persuaded to bust heads, and does so with the best of ‘em. He’s highly territorial, meaning that although he rather likes his colleagues, he often tangles up with them over Yuna’s affection. He is particularly hostile toward Nihil, who rather delights in teasing Mage with his closeness to their master. Outside of his romantic conflicts with his housemates, he tends to be rather lackadaisical, spending much of his free time lounging on every comfortable surface available. People find his presence enjoyable due to his easygoing disposition and passion for mischief.

Nihil: Of all the demons under Yuna’s employ, Nihil is the one who has come closest to winning his heart. Theirs is a strangely intimate relationship, one which Yuna insists is platonic--and yet, Nihil is at his side always, his obedient shadow. Of course, they weren’t always so close. Nihil is an inherently violent, cruel man whose sole purpose in life is to cause as much pain and grief as he possibly can. He is absolutely, positively insane, for no other reason than this is how he believes a demon should be. This is his aesthetic, and a demon’s aesthetic is absolute. He minds his P’s and Q’s now that he’s bound to Yuna, but never lets his “family” forget what he is, Yuna least of all.

Nihil loves no being, except, by his own admission, Yuna. He teases his master constantly, always pushing his limits, always pushing his buttons. “I am your loyal dog,” is a favorite line of his, spoken, with a pointed smile, whenever Yuna asks something of him. For some reason, it never fails to fluster Yuna, which allows Nihil to worm himself further into his darling’s heart. Unlike his colleagues, he is not afraid to get physical with Yuna, and many of their more heated arguments have ended in the bedroom. Whether Nihil actually enjoys servitude remains to be seen, but for Yuna, he would pull the moon from the sky.

Pox: The general consensus on Pox is “unfriendly, but not unbearable”. A life of self-isolation has made him difficult to approach, even more difficult to befriend, especially given that everyone he’s ever loved, he has killed. He is a demon of sickness, of plague and of rot, of suffering so old as to be carved into the bones of the earth. When he was young, he could not control the disease that spread from him. Though his mortal mother tried desperately to guide him, eventually, she was overcome, and Pox left the village he had once called home, now populated only by the dead and dying. He learned then that he could not live among his mother’s people, but he knew nothing of his father’s. Rather than seek them out and put them at risk as well, he exiled himself to the outskirts of human society, interacting with it only when necessary. With time, he came to understand his power, and was able to control it--but his peaceful life came to an end when one of the few humans he had allowed himself to love was killed in a botched robbery. Pox designated himself judge, jury, and executioner, and it wasn’t long before Yuna showed up on his doorstep.

Pox hides his self-loathing under a cold, hard outer shell. His mask is flawless, perfected through a lifetime of guilt, and he allows no one near enough to break it. His coworkers believe that they are despised by him, but in truth, he loves each of them with every inch of himself. Saying so is difficult, though, and such an admission would only encourage them to endanger themselves. He may be in complete control of his magic most days, but there are times even now when he catches himself slipping. He is desperate to protect Yuna and the strange family they have all built together, so much so that he would rather suffer in silence than risk their lives asking for help.

Seta Sericum: The peculiarity of his name has led to his coworkers calling him Silky, a moniker which he has accepted only begrudgingly. Silky is a Nephalem, the product of a love between angel and demon. Typically, his fathers’ love for one another would have ended in tragedy, but the two stayed together even after their angelic half was cast from divinity. Silky was raised in a happy home, albeit a mobile one; his fathers couldn’t risk staying in one place for too long, lest the Church track them down. Ultimately, it was the Church, their greatest fear, that was their end. They were cut down while protecting Silky, who was forced to flee in the vain hope that his absence might somehow save his fathers. The Church searched for him, but he had hidden himself well. Now an orphan, he swore vengeance on his parents’ murderers--and he got it too, once he was old enough to control his immense magical power. He despises the Church, but killed only those among its ranks who had directly harmed him. Regardless, Yuna came for him, and he submitted to servitude as recompense.

Silky’s demonic father was a real fop of a man, and his son is no different now that he’s had a chance to adjust to a normal life. He insists that everyone pull their own weight, that everything be in its place at all times, and has a fondness for indulgences such as expensive wine and imported chocolates. Without these little luxuries, he would surely have gone mad, for both his mischievous master and his trouble-making housemates frustrate him to no end. He has tried, with mixed success, to serve as a role model for them, but, oh, they are all such children. Dovey is far too naive, Dr. Callaway is far too sadistic, Corvo is far too oblivious, Mage is far too flirtatious, Nihil is far too violent, Pox is far too cold, and Vincent is far too reclusive. Erebus, at least, is well-behaved, though Silky thinks he could stand to mingle more with the group.

Vincent Blythe: On the forefront of medical progress during the Victorian Era, Dr. Vincent Blythe has become little more than a shell of his former self. When his prostitute mother was murdered by one of her stags, something snapped in him. He began targeting, torturing, and finally killing any man who frequented brothels or whom he had seen with street-walkers, believing himself to be the protector of his mother’s people. It was only then when he realized he was something more than human. His father, it turned out, had been a demon who had fallen terribly in love with his mother, but whose feelings had been spurned by her. After receiving a near-fatal wound in a skirmish with a prominent vampire hunter of the day, Vincent tucked himself away in a dark corner of London to heal. He slept for over a century, and when he woke, attempted to pick up where he’d left off. Confused, his trauma still fresh in his mind, he killed all who drew near. Phone calls were made, flights were booked, and Yuna arrived on scene to bring him back to his senses.

Vincent is terribly withdrawn. On the one hand, he is distrustful of all humans, and men in particular frighten him. On the other hand, he has had little to no experience with his own kind, and so struggles to fit in among them. He finds himself at an impasse, unable to shake the trauma of his mother’s murder, and equally unable to bond with his father’s kin. Because of this, he is prone to bouts of violent madness when he feels that he is being threatened, or when he wakes from particularly vivid nightmares, in which he witnesses his mother’s murder and can do nothing to stop it. Dr. Callaway has oft remarked that Vincent is a genius, a true medical prodigy, and that it is too bad he’s so “broken”.

[demonslayedher]

Hello! I don't know if you've been asked about this before but I love your analysis and reflections and I'd love to know all your thoughts about Zennezu if you don't mind 👀⚡🎀 Thanks so much for this blog!! 😊💝

Thank you again for your patience, as well as your comments on my fics and stuff in the meantime (even on Bird Fic, kya~ thank you <3). All my thoughts, hmmmmn…. Well, clearly I am a fluffy ZenNezu shipper and ship-content creator now, but I sure didn’t start that way. This may be long and rambling and mixed between analysis and personal taste. (Actually, it turned into almost 4000 words.)

So. First a little background. I usually am not much of a shipper. The very few OTPs I have all ended in horrific tragedy, and when romance is a big focus of something I’m otherwise enjoying I usually end up not paying much attention to it in favor of all the other elements I like. This is so much more the case when you can tell they’re going to wind up happily ever after. So what happened to make me so soft and fuzzy about the Kimetsu ships, when I otherwise usually don’t have an appetite for happy fluffy romantic endings?

Three major factors: 1. I’m obsessed. 2. I love these characters and want to see anything and everything about them. 3. Romance wasn’t actually a big element at all in canon, so it left me with an appetite and curiosity for it.

Even though I figured from long ago that ZenNezu would be end game, initially I was somewhere between indifferent and put-off. As much as I love Zenitsu, and I acknowledge that Ufotable the added the “run around and chase Nezuko” bit and removed the part with Zenitsu adoringly talking to Nezuko through her box, and as much as he can be defended for being lonely rather a pervert, the fact still stands that his level of appreciation for girls makes the characters around him uncomfortable. His most cringe-worthy lines at the Butterfly Mansion are all straight from the manga, and even though he was easily one of my favorite characters by the end of my initial watch of the series, I was very put off by his “girls are all queens” surface-level comments and more disturbing pleasure he took in the presence of girls (especially when he could physically interact with them), not to mention his pathetic introduction bothering a complete stranger and displaying that he doesn’t actually take girls’ feelings into consideration.

All this made me inwardly groan, feeling bad for Nezuko, figuring they were going to wind up together because she’s a saint who can find the patience to deal with someone like that, as he clearly wasn’t going to be desirable to any of the rest of the female cast. Enjoying the series well enough despite this, it didn’t bother me terribly much, pairings happen, whatever, I have a history of ignoring them. But one day, well and deep into caring about this whole cast like they’re all my children, I realized something. Isn’t… isn’t it cute how they both get their strength from taking naps? W-wouldn’t it be cute to see them innocently take naps together? Naps to protect each other? Oh. Oh-h-h-h-h. Oh dear. Oh no, it’s cute. Oh no. OH NO.

And that was how my warming up to this pairing started, it very quickly grew into “I love these children and I want them to be happy, being with Nezuko will make Zenitsu very, very happy, I love seeing him happy, happy Zenitsu” but was still a little reserved about Nezuko. Zenitsu was going to make her happy, right? It wasn’t just going to be a case of Nezuko having gotten fond of him over the course of everything they’ve been though, he is actually going to be her taste and make her heart go “kyun” right? Oh Nezuko, oh saintly Nezuko…

Let’s take a moment to pause here and think chronologically, though, as well as analyze their personalities and tastes. Neither of them are particularly picky, we can start there. Aside from fussy busy-bodies like Aoi, as long as it’s a girl, any girl is Zenitsu’s type. He’s desperate, and he’s painted the whole of girl-kind in pretty similar, not always realistic rosy colors. Even though he’s been used and abused by so many girls in his past, it’s his desire to believe that each new one he meets will fit that rosy imaginary color he paints over them that he chooses to let himself be duped, because he really is that lonely. I’ll give him that, sure, he’s a healthy young man with an interest in physical touch, but his dream in Mugen Ressha gives a good indication of what he’s really looking for: companionship, someone who likes spending time with him, someone who will find him useful and believe in him and look to him for protection, someone who likes him enough to spare him the physical intimacy of simply holding his hand. This is all an extension of what Zenitsu desires as whole, hoping he can better himself enough to be reliable and valued in general. Picturing it in the form of a significant other is one very vivid way to focus all those feelings, resulting in that rosy ideal which Zenitsu probably knows in his heart of hearts is too good to be true. That’s why he probably doesn’t think he’s ever going to find it, and therefore why he’s all over any slightest chance of attaining it.

My gosh, if being abandoned over and over isn’t enough, the fact that none of the girls he dated in the past were ever willing to even hold his hand hurts so much.

Nezuko, though, grew up in a secure family with a good relationship to observe between her parents. She probably always envisioned growing up to be like her mother, the quintessential “good wife, wise mother” (a phrase coined later on in the Taisho period to idealize the traditional roles of a woman). She cooks and cleans and sews and the first fanbook even tells us she was good at using an abacus, so she can handle family finances like a pro. Her traditional values probably made her tastes pretty standard, hoping for a reliable protector, but also someone who might be as kind as her father and her brother. But as for what makes her heart go doki-doki? The extra comic at the end of volume 3 tells us that she does long since have a type, it’s a person who’s like a Hisha.

Hisha: a chess/Shougi piece that can move an unlimited number of spaces in horizontal and vertical directions, and is crowned a dragon when it enters enemy territory.

So, yes, this is the part where we all smile and point at Gotouge and say, “I see what you did there, Wani-sensei.”

I find this reassuring; it tells me that Nezuko can find her heart squeezed at how cool Zenitsu is instead of just coming around and liking him because she was flattered by his affection and learned to see how nice he is and stuff. There are plenty of nice Demon Slayers who are strong and cool protectors, but that ZING that Zenitsu has (when he’s asleep) is something that can make her heart race. I’m all for this. I hinge so much of my ZenNezu feelings on this Hisha comment.

The second fanbook states that Nezuko initially had trouble sorting out her memories, and because Zenitsu gave her two such different impressions, it felt like memories of two different people, but over time the memories overlapped to form one complete person. We could say that she and Zenitsu had two first meetings.

Initially, when she was in the box, her little demon heart did go doki-doki; it was the first time a boy besides her brother had protected her, so even though Oniichan is Number One in her heart for the general duration of canon, this encounter was sure to leave a flattering impression. However, when they met face to face that night, he was just some confusing dandelion yelling and screaming about weird stuff, and then he was just a confusing (and possible bothersome) dandelion wanting to hang around her and give her flowers and stuff. It’s anyone’s guess just how “there” Nezuko was at this stage, as she does seem to gain back more of her own will and thought processes over the course of the series, rather than being guided by very, very simple rules to govern her behavior.

Zenitsu feel in love at first sight, and the second fanbook tells us he asked Tanjiro about her human personality, seeing as she wasn’t fully there. He was initially doubtful that anyone so perfect as Nezuko could exist and figured Tanjiro must had been biased and therefore exaggerating, but can we blame Zenitsu for being a smidge guarded? He’s been let down a lot, after all.

We know from Taisho Secrets and side novels that Zenitsu spent a lot of time with Nezuko during their long recovery at the Butterfly Mansion. Even how much more thought we see Nezuko display in the Train arc, she probably underwent a lot of mental development in this time, and my guess is that due to how much he interacted with her, this is probably when Zenitsu went from being a strange dandelion to a strange companion. She probably focused more on the goldfish and the pretty flowers (which he did take her to see!) and any flattering mention of her brother, though. Zenitsu, I’m relieved to say, seemed to genuinely care about what would make Nezuko happy instead of selfishly assuming something like “she likes me too, she wants to marry me.” But knowing Zenitsu, he probably assumed that her willingness to spend time with him was an indication of being willing to talk marriage once she was more herself again, though.

Let’s pause here and put on our Oniichan goggles, though. Early on, Tanjiro has to insist to just about everyone that Nezuko is still her own person with her own thoughts and feelings. Being a demon has taken a lot of her freedom to act on her true nature away from her, but he knows she’s still in there and he treats her like an equal human being. He had to watch over and over as people see his sister and only think, “demon.”

And then there’s his friend Zenitsu, who looks at her and thinks, “girl. Girl! Girl. Girl. Sweet girl, adorable girl, best girl in the world.” And maybe that’s a little bothersome, but yes, someone gets it!! Someone understands! Even though Tanjiro’s initial concerns are keeping Nezuko from being bothered by unwelcome advances, as long as Zenitsu is willing to respect that Nezuko is not entirely able to speak for herself now, he seems pretty approving of Zenitsu (provided Nezuko decides she likes him back). I’d like to think there was an unspoken promise between bros on what boundaries to follow. Besides that, Tanjiro believes in Zenitsu a lot more than Zenitsu believes in himself, so Tanjiro probably wasn’t worried about the “strong protector” role a future husband should fulfil. Or at least, Tanjiro doesn’t seem concerned once he gets to know Zenitsu, he’d have rejected Zenitsu flat-out on that first meeting. Zenitsu, you are so lucky Tanjiro is so forgiving.

However, for as much as Zenitsu sees Nezuko as “GIRL!! Girl, girl, girl!”, he’s still got his rosy vision that conveniently clouds out any disturbing realities. She is, after all, a demon.

This is something Zenitsu never actually had the chance to struggle with, and I would have really liked to see him challenged by that reality a bit more. He never witnessed Nezuko’s berserker mode, nor did he ever see her struggle to keep from eating someone, he wasn’t even awake to watch her fight like a violent animal/angry toddler on the train. Had there been a scene of Zenitsu forced to face how terrifying she had potential to be, it would had really sold his commitment to Nezuko specifically, instead of only Nezuko as his most likely girlfriend candidate.

On the train, Nezuko has the good fortune of seeing another side of Zenitsu, getting one hell of a doki-doki moment. As she’s gaining more self-awareness back, it probably made those doki-dokis more complex too. While I understand there wasn’t a good opportunity to fit in the pace of the story, I love that Taisho Secret of her concerned about him before he wakes up. Instead of him just being that boy who shows her pretty things and says nice things about her Oniichan, this is when he starts becoming something a little more unique among all the people whom little demon Nezuko has bet and who have been nice to her.

In the months that follow, we don’t get much deviation from this slow development. Zenitsu’s feelings toward Nezuko don’t really change at all, but there’s another thing about this ship: neither one chose the other over anybody else. They sort of just came together, Zenitsu gets hooked on one girl at a time, but what if someone had come along with an interest in him? At what point would he had given up on Nezuko? Probably pretty quickly, if someone was serious enough about him. It wouldn’t have been a break up either, since he was still in the pursuing stages (might be more of a break-up conversation with Tanjiro, who had been tacitly supportive).

Actually, for most of the remainder of the series, the affection that Nezuko and Zenitsu build for each other is done when they’re apart, dwelling on their thoughts of each other. For Nezuko, we see this come out after the Swordsmith Village arc in her sunlit elation to see him again, and her efforts to greet him. She very clearly recognizes him and is happy to see him, a big difference compared to how she was more elated by the sight of a fishbowl before. In Zenitsu’s case, this deepening of his affections and running away with his thoughts and feelings results him declaring once and for all, this is her. He’s found her. This is the girl who he will be committed to his whole life, in his heart she is already his wife.

When human!Nezuko is gaining her memories back, her first impressions are of the boy showing her pretty things and giving her flowers, someone who probably has a crush on her, rather than thinking back to someone who she may have had a crush on. (Those cool impressions probably hit her later, I’m assuming, given the stress of the moment.) Romance is not immediately on her mind, though she does quickly recall having friendly affection for this boy for has always been so sweet to her. And Nezuko, handling his surprising level of affection gracefully, helps Zenitsu off the battlefield while he’s in terrible pain (though she probably was too, my poor girl, that fight with demon!Tanjiro was so rough). But honestly, not only is she probably too overwhelmed by everything to think much about romance, but she probably doesn’t take Zenitsu very seriously initially. She knows he’s got a tendency to overexaggerate, and it’s nice that he’s so sweet to her, but since he acts all fluffy and silly around her she probably thinks he’s not being that serious either. Furthermore, she’s got a lot of people to suddenly care about, Zenitsu has a lot to contend with for trying to get special attention. Hell, Zenitsu was probably awake and causing a racket while she was frantic with worry that comatose Giyuu might die. While she did remake Jiichan’s haori to fit Zenitsu’s later, see spent her time in the hospital mending Giyuu’s haori (Nezuko, baby, doesn’t your hand hurt though!?). While Zenitsu was swept up in happy “Nezuko is human now, we’re totally gonna get married” feels, he probably didn’t even notice that he was only one slice in a very big pie of memories that Nezuko suddenly found in her lap and had to slowly chew and digest.

So… this brings us to the extra post-canon comic in the second fanbook, which I initially did not like very much back when it came out in February. I’ve come around a lot to it, but what really hit me at first was “oh no, Nezuko really is only going to accept this marriage because she’s a saint, he’s not being desirable at all.”

But, treating it with a little more patience and sympathy for Zenitsu… he’s just gotten what he’s always wanted, of course he’s going to stop striving a bit and get blissfully carried away in it. And Nezuko, the ever sweet, isn’t going to stop him.

Some of the other commentary in the fanbook states that Zenitsu, for a time, found himself terrified of how girls could be sweet to his face while hiding their true thoughts about him. But, finding that Nezuko was not at all two-faced, he nearly “died and went to heaven” as the exaggeration goes. He doesn’t like to work hard in the first place (but does, because it will make people like Jiichan proud), so getting away with being spoiled is too big of a temptation to resist. Nezuko is sensitive to what makes the people around her happy or uncomfortable, so she never makes any request of Zenitsu. She’s so grateful to have their new little family that her happiness is everyone else’s happiness, she doesn’t really desire a heartthrob romance, even if being a wife and mother is an eventual goal. And, without being under any pressure to make someone proud, Zenitsu gets swept away and indulges.

Thank you, Tanjiro, for putting a stop to this.

He’s still rooting for Zenitsu, since this is his friend and he knows it would make his friend happy to wind up with Nezuko, but he’s setting himself up for failure, or setting Nezuko up to be cheated out on a good match at this rate (if she were to accept out of being nice). Very, very thankfully, Zenitsu responds well to pressure. By this point Nezuko has gotten so used to sweet but indulgent Zenitsu that he seems she totally accepted that his Hisha side didn’t exist anymore, if it even existed in the first place.

Good for Zenitsu asking for her response a year later (when they’d be getting to the legal marriage ages for the Taisho period anyway), he knew he still had shaping up to do to earn her affection. And Nezuko probably needed time to build some admiration for him again, since the doki-dokis were so gone. Even if he couldn’t use that super cool Thunder Breath anymore, it would probably catch her attention to see him strive again, to put effort into being manly, specifically for her. It wasn’t just the Thunder Breath that gave her doki-dokis, it was the Hisha knight-like attitude too, whether asleep and acting on his inner potential, or awake and bravely defending her based on his own goodness and faith.

I hope that in their married life, Zenitsu will retain that sort of manliness in being a provider for her, even he does get indulged a lot at home.

Now for how this plays into some of my fanwork and headcanons:

You know how I said all my OTPs were tragedies? Yeah, I love a good dose of angst. I did start writing a single-scene fic one time of injured Zenitsu desperately trying to cover Nezuko from the sun while waiting for Tanjiro to find them, and in Nezuko’s panic about the sun she starts losing her self-control over her appetite, and Zenitsu is forced to confront that the girl he loves could very easily kill him. I never finished it, though, and it was embarrassingly self-indulgent.

For my big favorite AU of a monster fanfic, I did add more ZenNezu on the massive edit, because by this point I just enjoy ZenNezu so much that I wanted more of it. But!! What I really like about working with it in this fic is that there’s a conflict: Demon!Tanjiro. In this canon divergence, Human!Nezuko and Zenitsu get to interact more than they ever did while she was a demon, and they both already have affection for each other, but the lingering fact that Tanjiro is technically their enemy gives me some tension and angst to work with.

Yes, I wrote a One Shot of Zenitsu and Nezuko as fresh new parents, but it was a bit of a dark dive into Zenitsu’s feelings of inadequacy. But domesticity comes with some inevitable fluff anyway, and likewise it felt embarrassing indulgent, and I can’t write fluff without a little bittersweetness. M…maybe the reason I’m not a shipper is because I’m easily flustered???

I’d like to think that Zenitsu got a desk job that he worked hard at because he wants to be a provider, and Nezuko does find his hard work attractive. I headcanon it was at an electric company, because hahahaha, electricity. I’d like to think he had a long career in that company (and although his colleagues know him for having a bit of an extreme personality and being obsessed with his wife, they sometimes catch glimpses of a very, very strong side of Zenitsu—like, scarily strong), and that when he’s old and retired in the Postwar Economic Miracle, he buys a fancy camera to take pictures of Nezuko (instead of “say cheese” it’s “Thunderclap and Flash!”), and he takes Nezuko to Paris because that’s the romantic thing to do. Also, I don’t like moustaches as a rule, but I totally approve of old man Zenitsu having a fluffy moustache.

World War Two, though… I’d like to think that if his job had him in the city, he was extremely reliable when it came to protecting his family in case of bombing. I’d also like to think that this was when the Kamado family moved to the city, because Nezuko was worried about Kanao and her nieces and nephews, so Zenitsu made sure they were all together. Inosuke might had taken the opposite route and taken his family to the mountains to shelter out there in the wild.

AAAAHHHH, listen to me being so self-indulgent with headcanons, I pride myself on sticking close to canon in my fanwork, I will never produce this, AAAAHHHH, I’m embarrassed~~~~I---I’m not a shipper! No! I don’t have a shipper’s bone in my body! Who needs romance, it means nothing to me, I don’t get swept up in happy fantasies about young newlywed Zenitsu and Nezuko, really I don’t, I take what canon gives me and I stick with it, I’m here for bromance and comradery and fights to the death, I—I don’t need disgusting fluffy feelings, ew, ew, no, really-----ahhh, too flustered, too flustered, too flustered, no, no, no, no, no, no, WHEN DID I BECOME A SHIPPER, nnnnnnnnhhhhjjjj

Which is all to say that Zenitsu and Nezuko as a pairing really grew on me, even though it is essentially a fluffy happy pairing that only got surface-level interaction and was never seriously challenged. It’s got some shadows lurking in there, especially diving into Zenitsu’s heart, but in general this was a slow build-up of mutual affection between two characters with pretty simple desires of their own, and most of all, a desire to see each other happy. That makes it a good comfort ship.

And they’re both are sleepyheads, hNNNGGGHHHhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH

[mixelation]

RE: soliciting soulmate suggestion for an SI, @minjad commented:

Honestly it depends on the type of soulmate fic you’re going for but I read that one Karin/Madara soulmate fic and I think Karin deserves more appreciation (would be interesting to see how a genuine, relatively healthy soulmate romance would work with her)

I think a Karin/SI soulmate would probably be a relatively brief one shot. Karin is sort of goofy but by herself she doesn't bring a whole lot of drama like Sasuke would, and SIs are generally mundane people unless you want to do the 100k words of character development to get them to "okay but what if I experimented on children?"

....unless you're a much better writer with a higher economy of words than I am............

Anyway! My point is: I don't think you can make much more than a cute one-shot out of Karin/SI unless you were doing a very plot-heavy fic to make up for the lack of drama/intrigue generated by the relationship itself. So.... hm... let's say this: SI ends up as one of the many Youths Imprisoned in Oto for Experimental Purposes, and she meets Karin because Karin is a recently assigned warden. There's this moment of oh no, between them, and Karin pulls her weight/favor with Orochimaru to help SI out. I guess since it's a hypothetical SI of me, SI can work for Orochimaru as a researcher? Science gal pals AU???? That would basically be the one-shot, with a vaguely open ending because I have no idea what SI would do once Sasuke swings by to recruit Karin.

But! Today while trying to psychically beam the will to grow into some bacteria, I did put some thought into who would make a fun soulmate for Karin! I think because of her scars, you almost have to put Karin in a soulmate AU where marks on your body also appear on your soulmate, OR one where your soulmate can feel your pain. @phoenixyfriend has a one-shot that explores pretty in depth what that might look like if Karin's soulmate were one of the Konoha 12 (it's Sasuke in this fic, but I imagine any of the other Konoha 12 as her soulmate would play out similarly). I think it would be fun if she got someone who felt compelled to go and grab her from Grass (most of these would end up being platonic bc they're nabbing her when she's like 11 and they're adults):

Tsunade - Listen Tsunade would completely break Grass. It happens before she's Hokage and she goes in like "I'll just go in and break the spine of whatever asshole is biting my soulmate" and then her soulmate is a child and also the biting thing is institutionalized as part of a fucked up healing program and Tsunade loses her shit. Decimating a village might keep her name from coming up for Hokage?

OR: Tsunade's depression fugue prevents her from going to see wtf is up with her soulmate until after she's been Naruto'd and is Hokage. Ends up in a weird custody battle with Orochimaru. Karin ends up in a bizarre situation where suddenly Orochimaru is 1000% more interested in her because he wants to get under Tsunade's skin. Karin has weird feelings about her soulmate because even if she's trying to help now, Tsunade just straight up let her be abused for years.

Deidara - Deidara just shows up in Grass to scream at her about how their soulmate bond is driving him NUTS. Why are you letting them do that? He went missing-nin just to come tell you off...!! Get on the bird he's taking you somewhere your incompetent ass isn't getting beat up, smh. This one can eventually be romantic because they're about the same age u.u

Sasori - Sasori also just shows up to yell at her. Her scars? Are his scars? On his beautiful body he needs to preserve forever??? I have NO idea how him being a puppet affects her if it's a "scars transfer" situation, but we'll say he did all that BEFORE the soulmate bond formed so the affect on her is minimal, but he used his actual skin for the puppet, and now it's scaring. :( Sasori also decides to just burn Grass to the ground. The fall out of being dragged off by Sasori is a lot less pleasant than Tsunade or Deidara... but I headcanon Sasori as not being particularly interested in children as his artistic media, so Karin is safe from becoming a puppet for at least a few years, although he totally intends to make her one eventually. Good luck, Karin!

Kakuzu - Kakuzu takes some time to show up because he doesn't really care about scars or pain, but also he went like 80 years without a soulmate, so he's curious. Unlike the three people above him, he does not drag Karin out of Grass because he wants to stop what's happening to her. No, he figures out he's found an expert tracker (or at least a kid with HIGH potential for it) and is like "oh good, you're joining my bounty hunting business" and Karin isn't happy about it but at least he's a freaky immortal tentacle monster who won't bite her and will brutally murder anyone who tries.

.....not to put the entire Akatsuki on this list, but I do think it would be cute if it was "what you write on your skin shows up on your soulmate's and vice versa" and she was trading notes with someone. She's not really explicit about her home life but after about vague but alarming statement #12, her soulmate is like "....do you need me to come get you?" and then follow through with an intense sort of competency and show of power that Karin absolutely did not expect. I wrote this with Itachi in mind but I think it would work okay with Kisame, Konan, or Kakashi as well (Kisame and Konan can do what they want because they're a missing-nin/the boss; Kakashi just has Ride or Die Disease and will risk the consequences from Konoha to kidnap his soulmate).