#i been trying to motivate myself so much lately but im actually struggling so hard still | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

heart-ur-art · 1 year

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hello, out there ~

pls excuse my lack of pfp, header or anything of the like, i promise this is a blog by a human and not a bot account.

i don't remember when i made this blog, but i had originally created it with the intentions of not only trying to help other artists slow down and appreciate all the hard work they put into their creations since the surge of 'hustle culture' is forever prominent on social media platforms these days in order to have any hope of presence and consequently, i feel causing artists to feel less value in the work they accomplish, sadly, but to also help myself be more aware of and actually celebrate the advancement of my own skill and hard work that i put towards my art and hobbies.

unfortunately, as is quite apparent by this empty blog that's been floating around in my list of blogs for some time now, i think i've hit more of a wall in my creativity than was previously known.

i've always struggled a lot over the many years (probably close to around 15 now) that i actually have tried to actively improve my art skills to work towards specific goals in that i struggle in knowing exactly HOW to practice art, as far as good fundamental/foundational knowledge is concerned, but i also... pretty much only have WIPs and next to no finished pieces of art (and this is also true for many other hobbies i do; hardly anything ever gets finished).

it's incredibly demotivating and disheartening, especially with the new modern day expectation of artists (or creators of any kind, really) to churn out art as if they were machines and seeing people's quick improvements and new discoveries of skills. i constantly feel behind in the art world. and yes, i'm aware that it's not a requirement to put out art in this manner for hobbyist artists; slow artists are valid and can be very successful and fulfilled, too. but i think we've all felt the pressure to create more and more, faster and faster than before even if it's just for validation purposes.

and it's almost become a requirement if you wish to have any hope of obtaining any monetary compensation for your work (which, i have hoped to obtain even small scale as extra funds for years when i was abled enough to work, but even more so now that i find myself at a higher needs disabled status and unable to work + mostly home-bound and would like to sell my art skills for even a little bit of financial independence after being forced to move back in with my parents for unforeseen personal reasons). i think this is why i tend to find myself crawling back to sites where things WERE slower years ago when i first started to get into the art world.

as is also the motivation for wanting to create this blog. to encourage us all to remember, it's okay to take our time and experiment and learn at a pace that's enjoyable again and just share our achievements in pure enjoyment for creation and less for the sake of getting stuff out there as quick as possible or the first to jump on new trends/popular content for the numbers.

so i guess we start here. in a position of where i find myself unable to create despite.. wanting to on an almost daily basis.

im often wondering how so many people ARE able to create daily, how do they stay motivated and focused? what keeps them inspired to always have ideas to put down on canvas?

this is especially the case for anyone who is of any neurodivergencies that affect energy, focus and motivation and are able to create consistently because this is seeming to be a very significant struggle with myself (i'm assuming has always been but have only more recently discovered that i'm VERY much ND) as of late.

i'm certain i'm not the only person out there feeling this exact same way or very similarly. so, please, i invite anyone interested in taking a breather away from social platform expectations and growing more peacefully in skill to join me in trying to discover how to achieve this.. together.

i can't say for sure what exactly i have planned for this blog and how we can all come together to bring more genuine joy back to creating, as i often have many ideas, but i tend to be quite lost as to how to follow through with them. maybe we'll figure it out along the way.

anyone of any skill level and any medium of art is welcome to join. (i will say up front, i do not consider any ai made anything to be a self-made art-form as it is imitating works of real human artists, so that is not an acceptable 'medium' here. you're welcome to pick up a pencil, stylus, brush, sculpting material, whatever if you'd like to actually participate and learn a skill from this space)

i suppose what i'm asking of this first post is.. how is it that YOU create? how or what do you do for practicing or warm-ups? what do you do on days where there's less focus or motivation for drawing or creating? what inspires your work?

very interested in others' creative process, and please those who deal with road blocks from neurodivergent disorders, lemme know how you work around them in order to do what you do ~

feel free to reblog this with commentary or tags explaining, drop a comment on this post or i'll even open the ask box if preferred to respond that way (no anons for now; i've not had great experiences with anon asks in the past)

please remember to always be kind, to others and to yourself. wishing you happy creating ~

#hearturart #art #digital art #traditional art #art skills #creative #creativity #learn to draw #art community #artist community #learning #neurodivergent #adhd #actually autistic #sorry i'm just putting tags relevant to my nd disorders that play a role in preventing me from drawing

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keefwho · 2 years

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October 09 - 2022

10:32 PM

Well today I didn’t read my book like I meant to. MAYBE I still will before bed. I did man up and push through tummy problems I had this evening though. I think I’m just in a bad part of the cycle right now. Seems like for no actual reason my stomach will act up for a couple days every now and then. I can’t trace this to any kind of food I ate. Maybe its based on my mood? I know stress can fuck me up but I haven’t been very stressed I don’t think. Or maybe I have been, I can’t remember.

This morning I was GIGA bored, I couldn’t find anything I wanted to do. So it was a pretty shitty morning. I also slept in an hour late because for once my bed was actually too comfortable to get up from, and I didn’t really feel like facing the day tbh. I didn’t have any real plans so I knew getting up would be me being bored stressing out about what to relax with. REALLY dumb. Mid day got better in terms of things to do. I did some art, watched a Henry stream, and planned to try Rec Room for the first time. The tummy issues were starting before lunch though. They were mild today, mostly slight pain as things chugged along. I ate soup, oatmeal, and doritos for lunch. Today I’m struggling to meet my calorie quota. I’m trying to with dinner but it would rely on me eating some of my chicken and I only have 1 bag right now. I need my parents to pick some up for me in town. Chicken is a very good recovery food for me and it’ll be stressful to not have any.

I’m kinda tired of talking to myself. I say a lot of the same things over and over. Both in topic and writing style. I catch myself using “just’ and “kinda” and other bloat words I’m trying to be conscious about catching.

Time to be a little mushy. It doesn’t cease to be heartwarming to hang out with my friend late at night and chat. I don’t know how to keep telling her how much her time means to me without going overboard and the message losing it’s meaning.

I think I’ve become too centered about habit and scheduling. I try to only schedule reasonable things like work time but Ive noticed times I naturally do things and try to stick to them. Its becoming a problem because when something doesnt happen in a certain time frame, it makes me a little worried. It’ll be hard to go with the flow more but what I want to change is my eating schedule. I just know the times I usually get hungry and try to adhere to those times but sometimes Im not hungry at those times. It might hurt my tummy to be eating when it doesn’t want to. I also don’t always feel hunger when I’m hungry. A good example is this evening when mild tummy problems inhibit my appetite even though I KNOW I should eat.

One idea I had to break out of the habit mindset is to use my awkward afternoon time to do something new. Just for a couple hours I could play a game I haven’t in a long time, or watch a new show, or go outside in the woods or something. Anything unique. It seems perfect since I never know what to do from around 3-6pm. Maybe I could try looking at the clock less too.

12:08 AM

I’m careful not to RELY on external influence, but some people make me want to be strong. I’ll take motivation wherever I can get it I guess. I want to be strong for myself too but it’s nice to have some extra push. It’s easy to give up and do nothing when I’m completely on my own. After all who is there to care aside from myself, and sometimes I don’t care.

I feel like I might be pulling out of my period of mental stagnation. I have things to try and look forward to right now.

#journal #diary

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lovebecomeshim · 3 years

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hello! your zutara posting today has finally motivated me to ask this question because I came to atla very late(last year, to be specific) and I Love It Very Much but am 1000% out of the loop as far as why what remains of fandom (at least that I've seen among my friends) is so very strongly zutara. I'm not opposed to it per se I just don't really know what has driven it to apparently be such a popular ship? can you help me understand and maybe convert me a little bit?

Hey!! Your ICON! :D I can try but I’m not sure how coherent I’ll be; however I AM sure someone a lot more competent will be willing to add to this. Either way, I’m glad you asked because my plan was to drag down as many people as possible with me.

*smacks the hood of zutara* this baby can fit so much mutual love and support!

This got so long, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to put it under a cut on mobile and it already got deleted once so I’m scared to mess with it lol. Moving on.

I’m gonna start this with a disclaimer that im on mobile so formatting is tricky and I’m also really new to atla in that I only completed my first watch through in like 2019??? So some of my info is all just based on what I’ve picked up from Discourse 👀 so anyway the sparknotes version: zutara was wildly popular from the beginning. To the point where the atla crew internally disagreed on which ship should be endgame. (Ex. Bryke [showrunners] asked the writers to rewrite The Southern Raiders to make Zuko seem less ideal for Katara than Aang [which failed, depending on who you ask]; the animation team purposefully created a visual parrallel between Oma and Shu in the Cave of Two Lovers and Zuko and Katara in the catacombs under Ba Sing Se in the Crossroads of Destiny; etc.)

The ship was popular enough that Bryke actually chose to display zk fanart at a con for the sole purpose of mocking the fans, but that’s neither here nor there. The entire episode Ember Island Players, while a love letter to/parody of the whole show, was an opportunity to address zutara’s viability as a canon pairing (while, again, mocking zutaras for romanticizing that catacombs scene). Point is! It’s always been popular but with it not being endgame, there’s got to be something that’s given it staying power.

And that’s honestly got to do with three things: their dynamic, thematic cohesion, and potential.

(You know what... you know what, it’s four things. The fourth is they’re so aesthetically pleasing together and individually. Like, they’re just good looking people [specifically when they’re grown but they’re also cute kids] and that absolutely doesn’t hurt) (but it’s not the Point, it’s just nice to point out sometimes)

The dynamic is hard to get into without also looking at the canon pairings, but I think I can do that without unnecessary bashing. It’s just that part of the magic of zutara is really highlighted by what they give to each other that their other relationships don’t.

First off, it’s classic enemies to (would be) lovers. The absolute truest form of it. It’s not too different from how CS started out: a rogue antagonist with a job to do—but no personal vendetta against the future love interest—who is deeply and emotionally invested in his personal storyline (revenge/redemption) with little regard for how it effects other people after his entire life and genuine good nature are marred by suffering, and a fierce warrior girl with a strong moral compass and her own personal investment in stopping him (protect her family and save the world doing it). Obviously frustration and animosity grew between them by the nature of them being on opposing sides, but that just lends itself to the sweetness of their later reconciliation.

The thing is that while they’re wildly different on the surface (he’s a hot-headed prince of a fascist regime who is trying to capture the Avatar to please his father; she’s a nurturing daughter of the chief who is trying to protect and train the Avatar in order to topple his father’s throne) they find out that they have so much more in common both in their experiences and their personalities.

(What follows is an excessive use of the word “both” and I’m sorry about that)(I can edit it. I can do that. That IS an option............)

They both have an innate sense of justice that they are determined to see done (zuko, at the war meeting, sticking up for the Earth Kingdom kid when the guards torment his family, choosing not to steal from the pregnant couple despite his circumstances, abiding by his word to leave the SWT should Aang come willingly, etc.; katara, literally.... at any point). They both have pretty one-track minds at accomplishing certain goals once they’ve put their mind to it, regardless of a lack of support in that endeavor (it goes without saying I guess, but zuko’s entire hunt; katara’s determination to get the earth benders to fight back, her determination to absolutely destroy Pakku until he agrees to teach her, etc.). They both lost their mothers at young ages. Their worlds are war-torn and traumatizing to them both, if in different ways, but that ultimately forces them to grow up too quickly to be wholly independent individuals. They both have issues with their fathers (for WILDLY different reasons, but). They both hold extreme prejudices that they need to learn to overcome (which ties into thematic cohesion)(bit like Lizzie and Darcy in that way but magnified by a million). They’re both extremely emotional and empathetic—which can and often does result in loud outbursts. Katara’s a bit better adjusted and can temper her anger for longer than S1 Zuko can, but they both feel that anger deeply and have no compunctions expressing it (Katara is, usually, more justified, particularly in S1. Again, S1 Zuko is severely maladjusted but at the point when they could’ve feasibly become a couple, he’s so much better off with the way he carries himself). They both struggle with feelings of inferiority in their bending abilities when confronted with prodigal benders like Aang and Azula, but have the work ethic required to double down and become two of the most powerful benders in the three remaining nations. This is a little more minor but it is a parrallel that appeals to some shippers that they both have these alter egos in the Painted Lady (notably fire nation coded) and the Blue Spirit (water tribe coded) that are pretty different from who they are day-to-day and are useful in accomplishing a purpose that they as themselves cannot.

(I’m.... I just realized that this could potentially get very long. Should I have made a slide show with bullet points??????)

Anyway, similar. I know there’s more but there’s literally so much to love about zutara that I’ll drive myself a little crazy trying to compile all the ways they’re similar. (Just gonna say that at this exact moment I went back to add more similarities.... so okay then)

Once they’ve reconciled, we see how all of these things only lend themselves to a deeper intimacy together than they share with literally anyone else. There’s a steady partnership that positions them as the mom/dad of the gaang, while also providing the support necessary to allow the other to not have to carry so much responsibility. A lot of zutaras will point out how zuko is actually depicted doing the more domestic chores that are normally relegated to Katara once he joins the gaang, since the others in the group are two 12-year-olds and sokka. The one that sticks out the most is how he makes tea for the group and then serves them, while Katara is able to just relax with her friends around the fire. Fanon expands upon this a lot to Zuko helping with the laundry or the cooking or whatever else needs doing since he, as a once-refugee, is used to doing his own domestic tasks. Before Zuko joined, Katara was the one mothering everyone, sewing for them, cooking for them, etc. She’s always tending to the needs of the group, and that includes emotionally. She does the emotional labor for the gaang 99% of the time, but when she’s the one falling apart, she’s usually doing it alone and without the comfort that she normally provides for others. Until Zuko. And that’s before they’re even friends.

Which is WHY people romanticize the catacombs of Ba Sing Se so much. Katara is verbally attacking Zuko out of her own righteous anger but also her own prejudice when Zuko, surprisingly, chooses to be vulnerable with her. He’s been on a journey that’s opened his eyes a bit, but he’s never actively chosen to expose the rawest parts of his past to anyone. But for some reason he chooses to do that with Katara of all people. While she’s yelling at him. He sees her humanity, and for once can look past his prejudice and empathize with her. And this time, when she breaks down, she gets to be comforted. Katara normally talks about her mother when she’s trying to explain to someone else that she sees and understands they’re pain, as a form of comfort to them. Here, Zuko uses the exact same tactic. He sees her and he understands. And for zuko? He’s not being shut down. He’s allowed to articulate his pain regarding his mother without being ignored and made to internalize it, and he’s allowed to process how he feels about his scar out loud without being told that he deserved it. And then he lets her touch his scar, something we’ve seen him actively avoid before. He’s completely open to her and she’s completely open to him and all it took was one five minute conversation. She was about to use the little bit of Spirit water that she had, that she was saving for something Important, to heal the scar that still daily causes him pain just because they had, somehow, connected.

Plus there’s the whole parallel to the star-crossed lovers forbidden from one another, a war divides their people—

And then zuko messes up, he regresses, he gets what he wants and he HATES it. And the sense of justice he had as a child has been restored to him against his will and he can’t think of anything he wants to do more than the Right Thing, so he joins team avatar. Before he does that though, we get to see his relationship with Mai, which is where comparison really comes in. And what we see is Zuko, fresh off of his encounter with Katara in the catacombs, trying to be emotionally honest with Mai... and getting shut down and dismissed. Which is just how Mai is and it’s fine, but not for Zuko. Still, he keeps trying, and he keeps getting ignored or scoffed at or yelled at. Which is really a larger symbol for how he doesn’t fit in his old life anymore, but again that’s about thematic cohesion. He tries to articulate his anxieties about returning home, he tries to make romantic gestures, he tries to explain how morally conflicted he’s feeling—and Mai diverts to some kind of physical affection to shut him up and a parting comment that is pretty much always, in essence, “I don’t wanna talk about this.” So they don’t. On the other hand, once zuko and Katara are friends, we see him again emotionally distraught and caught up in his anxieties about facing Iroh, and it’s Katara who comes to him and listens to him and comforts and encourages him.

Similarly, we have Aang clamming up and getting uncomfortable whenever Katara shows any negative emotion, usually resulting in him making excuses or running away. Or, in the case of the Southern Raiders, lecturing her on how she needs to just let go of her anger about her mother’s murder. People have talked this episode to death and usually better than I ever could, so imma... keep it brief. There’s a serious disconnect between Aang and Katara in his ability to empathize with Katara and her needs that has her tamping down her vulnerability and amping up her anger. He tells her that he was able to forgive his people’s genocide and appa’s kidnapping (petnapping? Theft??), which is blatantly not true but also not an entirely equal parrallel to Katara’s situation, and continues making these little remarks throughout the episode. But it’s Zuko that Katara opens up to. It’s with him that she’s able to talk about the most traumatic day of her life, and it’s with him that she’s able to get the closure she needs, cementing their bond as friends and partners. This disagreement between Aang and Katara is then... never resolved. They just never bring it up and hear what the other is saying.

There’s a fic called The Portraits of Ember Island that has a line that so completely sums up the heart of the matter for why people love their dynamic. For context, zuko has woken up early to help Katara with the cooking and they spend the whole time just letting one another talk, and zuko stops to ask why she always just lets him talk. And so she stops to ask why he’s always helping, and it goes as follows:

There’s just... so much mutual support! Trust! Intimacy!! And it just continues like that from the Southern Raiders on, listening to each other, advising each other, watching each other’s backs! And then! Literally saving each other’s lives!! I will never be over the last Agni kai. Not ever. Zuko may have been willing to jump in front of lightning for anyone, but he actually did it for Katara. And in a show, that’s the thing that really matters. It’s a fulfilled trope usually exclusively applied to romantic pairings, and it ended up applying to Zuko and Katara. And then she ran out into the middle of a fight with tunnel vision just to get to him.

Also!! Also Zuko pushing Katara out of the way of the falling rocks at the Western Air Temple!! And Katara catching him as he fell from the war balloon that he fought Azula on!! Before they’re even getting along, they’re the ones reaching for each other. They come to this place of equal ground, as partners, who watch each other’s backs, call each other out but still listen attentively and understand, and provide the support that the other has been sorely lacking up until they knew each other (whether that be from lack of effort or lack of understanding from others, or an unwillingness to accept it for themselves).

Then, trailing along under the surface of this, we see the themes of the show totally embodied by Zuko and Katara as individuals and in their relationship to one another. There’s a YouTuber, sneezyreviews, who has a, like, 2-hour explanation on why she not only loves zutara but also believes that their endgame would’ve actually elevated the writing of atla to new levels particularly because of thematic cohesion and resolved character arcs. It’s the zutara dissertation I never knew I needed, and it’s funny and eloquent and effective, so I’m just going to sum up her section on thematic cohesion to the best of my abilities and then link it for whenever you have the time. And I HIGHLY recommend it, especially if you want a full understanding of what makes zutara so great and gives it such longevity.

Guru pathik has a line that goes something like this: separation is an illusion; things that seem different are just two parts of the same whole. Iroh also tells Zuko something similar: balance and strength are achieved when the different nations come together and influence one another and celebrate what makes them each unique. And this lesson is a massive central arc that both Zuko and Katara go through, moving past a black-and-white, good guys-vs-bad guys, us-vs-them mentality and into a greyer, more nuanced view of the world. Zuko sees the fire nation from an entirely new perspective and while he still loves and hopes for his nations future, he surrenders his blind loyalty to them in exchange for an unflinching loyalty to peace and love. Katara too had to come to terms with the fact that cruel people exist in the earth kingdom and water tribes, while some fire nation citizens are just regular, kind people who also need and deserve to have someone speak on their behalf. And this is honed in directly on how they view each other. They grow in their individual journeys to be open to the humanity in the other and then, once they’ve found that, they’re able to grow more in compassion for others in a beautiful feedback loop. And this is all matched in the symbolism repeatedly and intentionally associated with them in canon: sun and moon, fire and water, yin and yang, Oma and Shu who found love despite their warring nations. Their individual arcs are completed in each other and complement the themes of atla beautifully.

The canon pairs... just don’t. Which, again, is fine. But the very things that give atla longevity and popularity are anchored in zutara. Kat@ang doesn’t accomplish this. They’re... nice. Sweet. Especially when you erase a good portion of their interactions in S3. It could’ve been just a sweet love story. (Personally, the dynamic between toph and aang accomplish the same thing that zutara does, with complementary personalities that fulfill the theme of opposites blending in harmony) M@iko, on the other hand, is less sweet but I think wasn’t even supposed to last. Zuko’s relationship with Mai seems to represent his relationship with his old life as a whole. He can’t be emotionally vulnerable, he’s goaded into abusing his privileges, his agency and opinions aren’t respected. They just don’t have common ground with which to discuss anything that matters, so they don’t. As far as themes, the relationship doesn’t fit with atla. It’s zuko returning to and sticking with what is (on the surface) like him, what’s expected. Fire nation with fire nation. Fluid water bender with the flexible air bender. Like with like, separated from what is different and challenging and complementary.

And all of these things combined of course lead to the potential for the ship. I don’t know how familiar you are with the post-atla canon but... well, miss “I will never turn my back on people who need me”, miss “I don’t want to heal! I want to fight!” ends up living quietly in the SWT as a designated healer who turns a blind eye to the water tribe civil war happening right outside her front door. Which can be fine! People change! Some people just wanna stay inside. I just wanna stay inside! But the potential future for zutara is so much more satisfying, with Katara becoming the most unconventional Fire Lady the uppity old cads who are stuck on the old ways have ever seen. Fanon has her serving as a voice for the other nations within a kingdom at the point of its biggest political upheaval, as a confidante to Zuko who can actually help him while he’s trying to figure out how to move forward and make reparations. They have the opportunity, together, to accomplish what they both have set on their hearts to fight for: positive change that lends itself to harmony and balance. And the steambabies! A popular headcanon is that their firstborn daughter, the crown princess, is actually a waterbender, which causes such an uproar among the people who are adamantly clinging to the old ways. It’s just a future full of potential to be forces for good together, full of trust, intimacy, joy. The exact era of peace and love and balance that zuko announces that he intends to ring in with the start of his reign as Fire Lord is, again, magnified by the very personal zutara relationship. And we love to see it.

tl;dr zutara isn’t for everyone. Some people just don’t vibe with it. Some are nostalgic. Some love the canon they grew up with. Some have been disappointed for years. Some just see themselves in other characters and want their happiness instead. Whatever the reason, that’s fine. But for me, I love the way these two, from the moment they give each other a fair chance, are able to lower their walls and prejudices to see the other for the kindred spirits they are. They see each other’s humanity, and their response is to pour out love and support and compassion. I love that they’re a power couple in battle. I love the symbolism and, honestly, soulmatism that colors their every interaction. I love that they embody the whole storyline of atla in their relationship and how it develops, which is notably why their seasonal arcs always culminate in each finale with how they relate to one another. I love that zuko adopting a waterbending move is what actually saves his life and then katara’s. I love the chemistry! And I love the future they could’ve had, instead of the ones they were given.

So, in conclusion: I just think they’re neat and I hope you do too, at least a little bit. Even if it’s just respectfully from a disinterested distance cause you do you. And now here is the video I mentioned. I’m sorry this post got so long and then I gave you an even longer homework assignment, but I can’t recommend it enough. She says it all better than I can.

youtube

#zutara #atla #zutara rant #like really the way the canon relationships were written throughout s3 #it would’ve been more believable for zutara to happen #or at least be hinted at #all of the major issues presented in those relationship were dug up extensively and then... never resolved #and then they just slapped some kisses on a screen and said ‘there all better’#and we just kinda had to say ‘oh ok guess it’s all better then’#this got long I’m sorry #I wrote it all out and then tumblr ate 2/3 of it #which is why it took so long #and what I’ve written now doesn’t even match what I had before #because there’s too much to say about why I love zutara #and the stuff I left out the first time is what came out this time #rip to my original thoughts but this post is different #anyway that’s why this took so long #and I should’ve just made a PowerPoint...#I can do that too if you’d rather not read all of this lol #I won’t be offended #this is incoherent #Alia rambles uselessly #also hoping this doesn’t end up in any wrong tags because I don’t wanna step on toes lol #it’s not anti!! it’s just critical #in a compare/contrast way #I can pinpoint the moment when I started trying to rewrite my points from memory #because everything gets shorter and more succinct #like... I really said all that??? sounds fake and I don’t remember it anyway so here’s the condensed version #with no!! smooth!!! transitions!!!!#also why am I so lazy with proper grammar over text

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inspriredlyuninspired · 4 years

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The Stalker

Part 7

Modern!Ivar x Curvy!Reader, Able-bodied!Ivar x Dark!Ivar

Hey Guys!! i know its been a really long, i’ve been struggling a lot lately and i had the motivation to write! i hope you enjoy!

First peron POV (this s my first time doing first person POV in this series so let me know if you guys like it!)

The night with Ivar was so much fun, i can’t remeber the last time i had this much fun with someone. From pillow fights, jumping on the bed, ordering as much room service as we could. Ivar and i laid on the bed spread out with full bellies.

“i don’t want to eat anything every again” Ivar said taking a deep breath after.

“Hey, last time i checked you were the one who ordered it” I said back, just getting a grunt in response.

He slowly got out of bed and started walking towards the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Not thinking anything of it i just rolled over and started admiring the room and the extravagancey of it.

A few minutes later, Ivar emerged from the bathroom and motioned with his fingers to go over to him. Without a question i obliged, i don’t know how he had this effect on me.

i followed him into the bathroom and when i walked in a saw a drawn bath, with candles all over the place. This was the most romantic gesture anyone has done for me, it felt as though i could start crying. Too many emotions just ovewhelming me.

“Oh Ivar” is all i could manage to say. The smile on his face brightened the candle lit bathroom. He walked towards me, putting his hands on my hips, gently lifting my shirt.

No one has ever seen me naked or even almost naked, well technically Ivar had but i did everything in my power not to think about that. I did not stop him from lifting my shirt over my head. He ran his hands ever so lightly down my sides to the top of my shorts.

He kneeled down, sliding them down my legs, peppering kisses to the top of my thighs on his way back up. Once standing again, he looked me up and down.

I moved my arms to cover myself, which he didn’t see immediately because he was taking off his own shirt and shorts leaving him in his breifs.

‘Wow’ is all i could think, he was lean, toned, and out of my league. The thoughts wouldn’t stop, thinking about how handsome he was, and then how i looked.

I was taken from my thoughts by feeling his strong hands gently pull my arms to my sides

“Never hide yourself from me, you’re the most perfect woman i have ever seen, you are all i have every wanted.” His voice was soft and calm.

His hands slowly reached behind me to unclip the hooks of my bra. i grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Ivar, no one has seen me like that before” i said matching his volume

“not even you” I managed to whisper

“i know little dove, if you want me to stop, i will and i will let you bathe alone.” he said. He didnt sound mad or annoyed, he sounded sincere.

“im just scared, that you will see eveyrthing, and wont like it.”i said, a slight saddness in my voice. Because i had not told him to stop, he started to slowly unclasp my bra as he said

“In my eyes there is noting more beautiful than you, you are my light, you are my love, you are my everything. I love you Y/N, and i love your body” he began to slowly pull the straps down my arms, i immideatly moved my arms to cover myself. He did not stop me.

He peppered kisses from my neck, to my chest, down my stomach until he got to my navel. He looked up at me throuh his eyelashes, as if asking permission. I nodded and then closed my eyes, i did not want to see his reaction when he saw me. All of me.

I felt his hands leave my body and i kept my eyes closed, expecting the worse, but not too long afer i felt his arms wrap around me again. I opened my eyed to the most piercing blue eyes looking at me.

“you are so perfect” He whispered

By this time he had taken off his briefs, we both stood there completely open and exposed to each other.

He moved his hands to gently hold my jaw, unconsciously my hands left my chest, now completely exposing myself to him, to hold onto his arms.

He leaned down and pressed the sweetest kiss to my lips, it was as if his lips were made for mine, the way we fit together was so natural. I felt safe, i felt protected, and mostly i felt something i never thought i would. Loved.

We bathed together, just admiring each others presence, me leaning back against his chest as he cupped the warm water and poured it over my shoulder. a sweet gesture that meant more to me then i think he thought.

There was nothing sexual about this, it was sweet and loving and more than anything i ever wanted.

*A few hours later*

We laid in bed together, me curled into his side listening to him talk about his upbringing, school, and his family a little more. It fet so nice to just lay here with him and hear his stories, i listened to every word that left his mouth. He stopped abruptly and looked down at me with a pouty look on his face

“can i ask you something?” he said with a whiny voice i giggled softly and nodded

“can we switch positions? Will you hold me?” i gigglle lighlty again and without saying anything i flipped over onto my back and he immediately curled into my side, laid his head on my chest and threw a leg over my waist.

It must have been a funny sight, a man almost double my size laying onme like a child. But i loved it, i gently played with his still damp hair and listened to him continued with his stories.

The conversation gradually shifted to the party we would be going to the following day

“stay by my side tomorrow night, i dont wanna lose you”

“ivar its just your family”

“exactly! i would not want you getting stuck in a druken conversation with one of my brothers” I giggled lightly and ruffled his hair

“It will be okay Ivar”

i saw his tone change almost immediately, he got tense all of s sudden as he sat up and leaned over to his bag

“i actually have another question for you, i told them all you were my fiancé, so if thats okay with you ill introduce you as that. I have this to make it more believable. I know that after we leave here we will probably never see each other again, but after the party you can keep the ring as well. ” and he handed me a small ring box.

i opened it to reveal the most beautiful ring i had ever seen, not to mention it was also huge

it was the ring i had always wanted.... and he knew it. I tried to shut those thoughts out of my head.

i just nodded slightly and handed him the box, he placed it on the bedside table and shut off the light.

When he laid back down he didn’t try to hold me, or cuddle into me again, he just laid next to me.

The entire mood changed immediately, back to grey.

I wanted to scream or cry, or bury myself away never to be seen again.

I had finally opened back up to him, just for him to remind me that this is temporary, that we were nothing, and that when we got back. i would never see him again.

i turned on my side facing the wall, i didnt want him to think that i was being petty or that i was mad at him. it was just, looking at him made everything harder.

i fell for him, hard. I was in love with the man who had stalked me. He was the first and only person to see all of me. But we were nothing, and were not going to be anything.

The thoughts kept pouring into my head, keeping me awake. I could not sleep knowing that the only person i have ever loved, stalked me and then madem e fall in love with him, not by force.

Pretending to be in a relationship with him tomorrow won’t be difficult, because it came natural to me. I loved him, and i wanted him. Despite everything, i wanted the man who had stalked me.

I heard his soft snoring, and i let out a small cry. I did not want him to worry, so i waited until he was asleep to let it out.

All i wanted was to turn arounf curl into him, but i couldn’t. it would make it hurt more.

i let myself cry until i was too exhausted to keep my eyes open, falling into a restless sleep.

Taglist:

@youbloodymadgenius @lostgirl14480 @artstyle

#dark!ivar #ivar x reader #modern!vikings #modern!ivar #ivar lothbrok #alex høgh x reader #alex høgh andersen #alex høgh andersen fluff

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poetrusicperry · 3 years

Note

hello darling!! if you still need inspiration for the ship + headcanon thing here;

i'll try my best to describe myself, as that is my fatal flaw. i have green eyes and messy brown hair. my classic scent is marine water and driftwood. im a entp, aquarius, and slytherin. i use the pronouns she/her. i'm extremely stubborn, i have a good sense of humor, and i love learning. i also love to argue/debate, and i'll do anything to win [even if I'm wrong, but i'm never wrong ;)]. i probably need glasses, but i'm too stubborn to ever admit it. my favourite hobbies are reading, writing, researching, baking, and playing sports. i love learning about all types of mythology + astrology. i have a knack for history, and i'm super into foraging, although I don't get to practice it much! i would describe my aesthetic as a mix of academia, cottagecore, and goblincore. i have an extremely flirtatious personality, even when i don't mean to come across that way. my friends say i have an old soul- they also say i'm a nerd but we don't talk about that. i was on our schools honor roll, and I received two other awards, one for my academic achievement and one for my leadership skills. i am a die-hard romantic, although i'm the person you least expect it from. hopefully this information will suffice, and i'm particularly interested in whom you think would fall for silly old me.

thank you for the inspo, my dear !! i hope you like these; it got pretty late and i kind of ran out of creative energy toward the end, but i still hope it's okay <3

ship:

i have this feeling that’s telling me to ship you with cameron, so i’m shipping you with cameron !! you guys both seem to have strong personalities, but i think you’d both bring so many things to the table, there would never be a boring day between the two of you (:

hcs:

baking with pittsie and meeks !! pitts would actually try, and be pretty good, but meeks would be pretty… lackluster. it’s okay, though, because meeks and the rest of the poets (who would somehow stumble into the kitchen when they heard the timer go off) would be great taste-testers

legendary debates between you and charlie. i mean seriously, these things would take all night, and in the morning there still would be no conclusion. cameron would find you guys passed out in the common area with a bunch of notes scribbled into notebooks

you and cameron would also like to debate, but things never got as heated as they did between you and charlie. you and cameron really only debated to practice actual debating, and you’d both give each other constructive criticisms and stuff

your hesitation/laziness to get glasses didn’t really affect you… except when you got seated far away from the board and would be squinting your poor eyes out to no avail.

any one of the poets would be cool with you copying their notes

you and charlie would have this weird flirtatious thing that cameron was always a bit …? about, but you and charlie were both just naturally more flirtatious, so when you interacted it was pretty 😏

neil would always ask you to run lines with him, because you wouldn’t let him stop until he had a good portion memorized; you kept him motivated and he admired how driven you were in everything you did

you and pitts doing a research project on frogs completely for fun, but learning a whole lot about amphibians in the process

sweaty, tiring soccer games between you and the poets, where you’d play until long after the sun had gone down and the flood lights came on (you, charlie, neil, and todd can’t separate the bfs vs pitts, meeks, cameron, and knox)

exchanging poetry books with todd and neil, kind of like your guys’ own little library between the three of you

joking around with cameron, even when he was trying to study (you wouldn’t stop cracking jokes until he laughed)

blurb:

after getting in a small argument with cameron about a conversation you had had with charlie, you had left cameron’s room and gone back to your own. it was frustrating to you because no matter how many times you told cameron that you and charlie were just friends, there was always the smallest bit of tension surrounding the subject. you could understand why cameron would feel upset or threatened by charlie, but you didn’t understand why cameron felt the need to bring this up time and again. for a couple days you didn’t hear from him, nor did you feel inclined to talk to him. charlie kept his distance, too, but neil and todd came and hung out a bit. in the study area, you, neil, and todd were sitting on one side of the room, and the rest of the poets were on the other side. you paid no attention to the other side of the room, not once looking toward them (though cameron kept looking at you, and even disappeared for a bit before coming back).

“you guys don’t have to sit here with me… i don’t want to make anything weird between you and the other boys,” you’d say, flipping to a new page in your notebook and glancing up at them.

“we want to, don’t worry,” neil smiled and gave you a reassuring look before turning back toward todd to help him with latin. when dr. hager told everyone to pack it in for the night, you collected your things and headed straight to your room without even a glance behind you. when you got up into your room, you dropped your books on your desk, and went to flop down into bed when a folded up piece of paper on your pillow stopped you. sighing a little bit, you unfolded it and read the contents,

“i’m really sorry that i keep making the same argument happen. it’s never my intention, i think i’m just self conscious sometimes. there are a lot of things i’m good at, but being open and confident in certain social situations is definitely not one of them. it’s not your fault, and i’m really sorry. i don’t like not talking to you; these past few days have sucked. and i haven’t been able to focus on anything. i’ll see you at breakfast tomorrow, okay? please don’t stay mad at me. i’m really sorry.

love,

cameron”

soon after, you had learned that the boys had helped him write the letter, and that while he struggled with intimacy and girls sometimes, it didn’t mean he didn’t care.

#dps #dps headcanons #richard cameron #dead poets society #richard cameron x reader #angelina writes

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coffeeandcalculus · 4 years

Text

11.9.2020

every day is hard.

i have been dealing with many mental health issues and it has unfortunately made a large impact on my academics. i am struggling with a restrictive eating disorder, and the anxiety of final exams being in two weeks is making recovery much harder. i generally have two therapy appointments a week. i am so privileged to have a team of clinicians looking out for me and being proactive with my health even when i am doing a poor job of it myself. lately i have been having actual medical issues that have landed me at urgent care multiple time during the semester. last week i passed out while walking to class and waking up in the er was very terrifying. university in general is so hard right now. so damn hard. i have been asking my professors for help with extensions on assignments and exams but it has been difficult as i am reluctant to mention struggling with bulimia to them. i generally four point all classes but i am genuinely concerned with passing the semester.

in lou of my lack of motivation regarding course work, today is day 1/100 of productivity! i know most of the issues im having are simply because im struggling with a mental illness, so im trying not to be too hard on myself. my productivity does not define my worth. just something to keep me engaging with my classes and this account in a fun way!

anyway i set up a small christmas tree on my desk, and it makes my heart very happy and reminds me that there is hope that i will genuinely live to wake up on Christmas Day.

hang in there, friends!

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logically-asexual · 3 years

Text

okay i'm already procrastinating and i don't plan on sleeping any time soon so here we go.

☆ ✩ my personal ranking for every season 1 Sanders Sides episode. ✩ ☆

i think it's going to be pretty similar to @dukeofonions' but let's see if i find something new to contribute haha. i see you didn't include that one about Patton in the Big Game or whatever, so i'm not including it either xd. also i think i'm going to count Accepting Anxiety as one episode only.

edit: i finished and now i dare you to drink a shot of water every time i say the word spanish or a version of the word comfort and become very well hydrated.

#16 I'm in a Disney Show

(i agree with dukeofonions here) i always forget this episode exists. it was ok in terms of being happy for real life Thomas but as a Sanders Sides episode it didn't do anything. the sides were just giving their opinions but it wasn't very funny or interesting. also i'm bitter because it made me look up the episode he was in and i didn't like it at all. i don't know if i'm too old for those Disney shows now but Thomas was literally the only good part of it, everything else was really dull and boring imo. a waste of time.

however, Logan supporting clickbait is one of the funniest things ever, and i'll never forget it.

#15 Becoming A Cartoon

i didn't hate this episode but it was just .. meh.. you know? several factors contribute to this. one, i couldn't feel much nostalgia for Butch Hartman's shows because i watched them in Spanish, and everything feels really weird when they speak English, i don't like how my old cartoons sound in English. two, it was disappointing to me because we were all desperately waiting for Plot™ and instead they give us this short episode about nothing (oh how the tables have turned now it's the other way around haha). and three, i didn't like the style of the animation :/ their faces and expressions freaked me out, Roman's douchey face still haunts me.

#14 Way Too Adult

here i'm biased because i don't like Patton much, and i didn't back when i watched the series the first time either, so this video was a little disappointingwithout the rest. also it wasn't relatable to me because i am still too young and dependent on my parents haha. but Patton is funny and it's funny to laugh at Thomas' struggling.

#13 The Dark Side of Disney

i've never been a fan of Disney movies. i actually never watched Mulan or the Lion King or Aladdin as a kid, so meh. i liked the ending, though, it was cool to see Virgil have fun and be right for once. it does make me a bit uncomfortable because the way Thomas tries too hard with Virgil's mouth movements and his low voice reminds me of a guy that had made me v uncomfortable not long before watching that video. so an icky feel overall.

#12 A New Year of Lying to Myself

this video was actually kind of fogettable to me. i had a hard time connecting the voices in the song to the characters and idk. i don't love it nor hate it, just .. neutral.

#11 My True Identity

pretty much the same opinion as dukeofonions, again. it's a good introduction and it's good that it was the beginning of it all but on its own it's not very special. i think it's awesome on Thomas to have come up with such a clever idea, like choosing the dad, the teacher and the prince and putting them together and match them with thoughts?? that fit so perfectly?? it really is just very impressive when you think about it, that it was just a random idea he had for a short 5 minute video.

#10 Taking on Anxiety

i liked this video a lot because when i watched it i had recently been a lot on tumblr, and found out through relatable posts that i had anxiety. so watching this video was really fun and it made me happy to feel so seen, specially the intro when Thomas just talks about what it's like to have Anxiety and Virgil is so smug about it.

- ★ -

okay now that those are out of the way things are going to get hard... all the following i love with all my heart so i'm going to rank them based on the smallest things.

#9 Growing Up

once more, Patton isn't my favorite. so that's why i'm putting this here, plus the echo at the end askjhsahg, but i love love this video. i remember we were waiting and oh so ready for the angst of nobody taking Patton seriously. and we received!! i love that though Roman and Logan are antagonists here, they're both so happy about Thomas wanting to have a healthy life. and i just adore the way Logan admits his mistake at the end and asks Patton directly. my heart... also aw.. the nostalgia. i remember none of us knew how to spell Patton's name and were writing it in very funny ways until Thomas and Joan told us lol.

#8 The Mind vs The Heart

when i watched this video the first times i didn't like it much, because i only had eyes for Virgil, but later i came back to it and loved it. so taking that into account i'm putting it here. logicality was the first ship i ever shipped in the show because i saw a gifset on tumblr of Patton screaming "what do you know about love?!" and Logan "apparently more than YOU" and the caption said "MARRIED", and i thought hey yeah... anyway. i love them. they're both my dads since that day.

this video is so so so relatable and i love it. Logan and Patton are so much fun arguing and i love how they compromise at the end and work together. im reconsidering.. i might move it higher? no, fine i'll leave it here.

#7 Making Some Changes

this video was absolutely hilarious. i personally couldn't see it as the Sides still once they were acted by Thomas' friends, i enjoyed it more as that bunch being silly and trying to be the sides but failing in so many ways, while sometimes nailing stuff suddenly. i really don't take this one too seriously as an episode. except Joan!Logan and Valerie!Logan, my beloved... i love how Joan acted as Logan and their voice and that they kept their ace ring on.. there's a reason i had them as my icon for so long. and Valerie looks a bit (a lot) like me with the glasses and dressed in dark colors, plus she spoke Spanish and there's .. no words to describe the joy i felt when seeing/hearing that. wait i'm getting emotional...

#6 My Personality Q&A

when i watched this Virgil was my favorite side and i didn't care much about the rest lol. when i heard his answers i related to him SO much it was scary, and also his voice is so soft and it was all very comforting. it was also when i first starting looking at Logan with more attention, because when he brought up Big Hero 6 and Fall Out Boy and said he didn't sing and would recite it like a poem? it only took a couple seconds but my brain said "me" and never went back.

now this video is a little underwhelming to watch for me, most of the appeal for me was in finding out the answers, and also watching it when we didn't know a lot about the sides. now we know more and want to know more so it's not as fun to me as it was first.

i wish so bad they'd do another one, although i know it would be more difficult with a much bigger audience, i think they can manage and i just need it. the chaos.. the energy.. they all being so savage with each other, learning little random facts about them you didn't expect.. i need it.

- ★ -

oh boy top 5 here we go. the next three are practically a tie. i can't choose.

#5 Alone on Valentines Day

i love Valerie, and the idea of this video was perfect and so perfectly excecuted. every side just giving their crazy opinions on how to woo a random stranger, i laughed SO much. first with Logan speaking simlish out of nowhere? at that point i didn't know practically anything about the sims except that it was some video game and the whiplash of Logan going AYO and the rest killed me. then when Roman whipped out that dialogue in Spanish??? my life was completed. i've never felt more happy than i did in that moment gosh. just the hilarity of Roman's drama, the shock of them speaking Spanish suddenly like that, the absolute JOY of seeing a creator i like speak (may i say) perfect Spanish, the other characters' faces after that.. never been happier.

also the conclusion was so cute. Virgil solving the whole problem without wanting to. i loved it.

#4 Am I Original

i think this video speaks for itself. it was fun to watch them all do the ideas Roman had, plus Logan and Virgil nodding at each other, (i love them so much), plus the angst at the end of Roman's perfectionism, plus Roman's just perfect name. this video has it all.

i think Thomas posted it kind of late at night and i watched it at 7am in the classroom as i waited for my classmates to arrive and the class to start. (i usually was like 40 minutes early to school due to mom’s work). i had to contain my laughter and it wasn’t easy.

#3 Losing My Motivation

i started loving this video after a while, when Logan passed Virgil in the position for my favorite side. but once he did this episode was beautiful. it's so funny and i love Logan and Patton's dynamic so much. and the video also so damn relatable in general. i felt so seen with it because they named all the problems i have when procrastinating, down to Patton's vague explanation of his feelings, it's exactly how i feel every time i want to do stuff. and the plot twist! i can hear the dramatic sound effect and see how they all turn to Logan clearly in my head, and it always makes me smile. plus there's so much Logan angst that can be dug up and overanalized. i love to watch it over and over.

#2 Accepting Anxiety

this video was perfect. everything we wanted. we knew it was coming and it delivered perfectly, better than any fanfic done in the waiting time. the week between the parts was agonizing but in a fun way somehow. i remember precisely when i was watching part 2 in my living room. i screamed. and i cried, a lot. i was feeling terrible at that time in my life and Thomas was such a comforting presence and i can't begin to describe how this episode made me feel.

and later it is always fun to rewatch with all their different reactions to being in Virgil's room, the energy of that was on point. Thomas is such a great actor and the characters where just amazingly performed. plus it gave so much to talk adn think about, the idea of the rooms, lots lots of insight into the characters, foreshadowing, so much. it's just perfect i have nothing else to say.

#1 (for purely emotional reasons, ironically) My Negative Thinking

i think Accepting Anxiety is the best episode of the season objectively but my favorite is My Negative Thinking. because i love Virgil and Logan so much and seeing them argue together was and is great. the comfort.. i can't repeat that word enough throughout this post. it's such a soft video while not being overwhelming with Patton and Roman's outbursts. just quiet (mostly) and clear and with perfectly timed humour.

Logan my beloved.. learning spanish... helping me with my own anxiety.. and their debate was so good. and the fact that they were friends i- i can't. Virgil didn't think Logan liked him and Logan told him explicitly that he did and the casual softness of it i cant even. Logan is happy that he tried.. it's just marvelous. Virgil and Logan as best friends will always be my favorite pair, and their dynamic will always be what i strive for in any relationship i might form, with both sides silently comforting each other within their own limits and realistic perspectives. so nice.

- ★ -

so yeah. that's all. thank you if you read all the way up to here. ♡ ♡ ♡

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders

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franeridart · 5 years

Text

Anon said: I love your cartoon mice! You could make a series out of them!

I could!! I’d love to!!!!!! If you guys would be interested in me posting more of the original/cartoonish animals-and-still-life stuff I doodle I wouldn’t mind sharing at all!!!

@notanerd579 said: hey! i’ve been a fan of yours for quite a while and i’ve had your post notifs on for some time. lately i noticed how quiet you’ve been so i looked up your page, and i somehow was no longer following you? i don’t know what happened, but i wanna make sure u know in case it’s happened to any of your other followers

Answering this publicly cause it seemed like you wanted me to, thank you so much! Both for following me again and for being worried it might have happened to someone else!! I hope not ;;;;

Anon said: your iidayama fusion... love him so much

Ohhhhhhhhhhh I’m glad, I loved that one concept probably the most out of every other one!

Anon said: Ahhh i love your art style so much!!!! Thank for all the good Kiribaku stuff my dude!!!❤❤

No anon thank you!!!!! 💕💕💕

Anon said: So, I’m just wondering what makes u ship Seromina? My friend only said that their shipped because there the only last two in the Bakusquad, ( Kiribaku, Kamijirou )

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH oh, okay! Actually I have no clue if that’s why other people ship them? It might be? It might also be that them being the last two out of the group made people consider the ship and then start actually enjoy the possibility of it? I don’t know! Personally SeroMina is one of the ships I’ve been shipping the longest (I’ve been on it since before starting to like kamijirou, actually!) and one of the only three ships in bnha I have a seriously hard time breaking up and shipping around (the other two being ochadeku and bakushima) so I’m reasonably sure my ending up liking them was an independent thought process and it wasn’t guided by shipping other things? But it’s been so long that I can’t really say why I first considered them as a possibility, so who knows, really! Might be, might not!

The reason why I’m still shipping it right now is that I find them highly compatible, that their interactions in canon give me life, and that I just find them extremely visually pleasing - I think I have a very specific way of shipping them? In my head? I have this story about them, or... an ideal way in which I like to think they might happen, and it makes me very happy and makes me feel very warm and it’s just, it’s ideal? To me, the possibility of Sero and Ashido ending up together would make for an ideal lovestory and relationship, it just gives me the fuzzies haha it’s like, you know, they’re very very good friends, and to me that’s the most solid base to start a relationship, and they’re comfortable with one another which is wonderful. They’re the same type of silly and extra and rowdy which is fun, and I’m very very stuck on the fact that when Ashido was talking about her future agency she just assumed Sero would be in it - she wants him in her future??? how cute is that!! he wasn’t the only one she mentioned so I’m not saying it’s “canon proof” or whatever, I just like that out of the squad the only one she assumed would be with her in the future is Sero, it’s soft I like it. And I like how she’s by canon called bright and shining and eyecatching and Sero’s by canon called plain, I like the possibilities in that, the feelings in that, but especially I like the idea of bright shining wonderful Ashido with her love for everything romantic and always in search of her own shining love story one day looking at Sero and realizing that she doesn’t want anyone else!! because he makes her laugh! he makes her happy! he makes her feel like she’s perfect the way she is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with her loud laugh and childish sense of humor and overly-bright fashion sense, and I love love love the idea of Sero thinking her completely out of his league and never thinking anything could ever happen between them but like, not in a sad pining sort of way? more in a “she’s ideal and I know she’s out of my league so I’m not putting any thought in it but she ideal”, only for Ashido!!! to confess!!!!!!! To HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just thinking about it makes me feel all warm inside I’m talking too much okay I know I just love them So Much Hori please don’t pair them off with someone else I’ll cry a river

Anon said: Have you seen the newest BNHA chapter??

THIS WAS ABOUT THE KAMIJIROU ONE HELL YEAH I READ THE KAMIJIROU CHAPTER HOLY H E C K

Anon said: Kiribaku, am I right?

you’re So Right, anon

Anon said: first off, i LIVE for your art, it always makes me so happy to see the boys!! also i am impressed with the way you made sero's elbows look anatomically correct he is a Good boy but man is he hard to draw and u did that

THANK YOU!!!! I actually spent a whole lot of time trying to figure out a way to draw his elbows that made sense to me and most times I still struggle with it a lot but I’m super happy to hear the way I go about it makes sense to you!!

Anon said: I was just wondering if you were still into Haikyuu?

Hell yeah! Both following the new anime season and still following the manga!

Anon said: Blue, grey, cinnamon, periwinkle, mauve, blush, indigo, fuchsia, lavender, saffron, plum, sage, viridian, burgundy. Colors taken from mk-58

...............................anon I’m sorry I have no clue what this is about orz

Anon said: Hey there! I love your art so much! Would you ever consider drawing Genos from One Punch Man? He’s my friend’s favorite character and she would totally love it. If not, that’s ok whatever you’re comfortable with :)

Ahhhh I’m sorry anon but I don’t really make a habit of drawing OPM stuff ): I’m glad you like my style, though! Thank you!!

Anon said: IS THIS WHERE YOU'VE BEEN HIDING MY DEAR~?? I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR YOOOOOOOOU~~~~~~~

I also don’t know what THIS is about!!!! is this a song I’m supposed to know because I feel like it is but it’s been weeks and my brain just isn’t cooperating!!!

Anon said: Not a question but I NEED you to know that your bokuroteru tattoo au comic gave me the biggest motivation to start writing again (albeit for bnha, instead of haikyuu) because it's just sooo good!! Their interaction, the way bokuro seem confident and comfortable even tho they're actually lame dorks who blush a lot, the way teru confessed to the two guys, their kisses //// just gahhh everything about your comic gave me the dokis. You're an inspiration

I’m so so so happy to hear that oh my god!!! (TTATT) the fact that that comic can still make people feel stuff means so much to me holy heck I’m gonna cry ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; 💕💕💕💕💕💕

Anon said: CAN WE HAVE MORE AKANE?? PLEASE I LOVE THAT CHILD TO DEATH!!!! I'm new to the blog so Idk if this would be a request but...I just really want some Akane...

I do wanna draw more of her!!!!!!!!! I just don’t have any ideas at all!!!!!!! I hope inspo will come back to me soon ;; meanwhile thank you so much for being interested in my little rude bean TT^TT

Anon said: !!! i just scrolled through my dash and saw some icon set post that had a a character i didn't recognize, but the image in the middle was familiar, and i realized it was your art ;; so i 1) was proud of myself for recognizing your style immediately and 2) asked op to take the post down since there was no credit and the image was edited. hope you have a lovely day! i got your back 💞

Thank you so much for looking out for me, anon!!!!!! 💕💕💕💕 you’re the best and I appreciate you A LOT

Anon said: OH MY GOD YOU DREW GALO AND LIO I JUST WATCHED PROMARE TODAY AND I THOUGHT "THEY LOOK FAMILIAR"

I have so many more ideas for those two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m not sure WHY I’m not drawing more, honestly!!!!! my hands lately haven’t been very cooperative orz

Anon said: Ok so Idk if I lowkey offended u with my last ask so IM SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME IT WAS A JOKE

NOT OFFENDED SORRY FOR THE WAY I WORDED THE ANSWER seriously I’m really sorry I was just kind of already beating myself up over the fact that I haven’t been posting enough so the answer ended up sounding like that because in my brain I was like yeah fran where IS the stuff!!!!! so, yeah. It was more on me than on you, I’m really sorry for that ;;

#fran answers #i kind of went off on that sero***mina ask didn't i #oops #sorry i talk a lot about the stuff im passionate about hahaha

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goshikitsutomusmommy · 4 years

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hi, im so excited for your matchup event!! if its not too much trouble, id like a male matchup please.

top 3 traits:

i’m really good at academics which is helpful bc i want to become a med student and doctor eventually. success in my career is my greatest and arguably most important motivation

introvert who sometimes enjoys hanging out with friends but that rarely happens. idk if it’s because i get social anxiety from being around people, especially new people, but i don’t enjoy it and i’m always super aware of my actions/appearance and i rarely speak. my voice is naturally quiet so that doesn’t help either (i’m a leo surprisingly)

i’m a very agreeable person but that might just stem from my fear of disappointing people. i have a hard time saying no and usually will prioritize someone else’s wants before my own

flaws

damn there’s a lot uh

the best way to hide any insecurities is to slap a superiority complex over them 😎

very little of my self worth comes from myself. it’s always academics, appearance, and others’ opinions of me that make up my confidence

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE

but once i am attached, i suck at letting go and probably forgive more easily than i should

growing up, appearance was something i always struggled with so now i’m always super conscious of it. its probably not obvious at first because i love to say “oh the reason _____ happened is because i’m hot isn’t it” since i love projecting confidence and it’s so much easier to do that than actually self reflect on what im doing wrong

ANYWAYS, moving on 😀

likes:

caffeine (monster energy, coffee, whatever)

cats

the adrenaline rush from roller coasters

online shopping

doing makeup/planning outfits

sleeping at 4am

spicy stuff that hurt so badly to eat

grocery shopping

hanging out with friends in the middle of the night

dislikes

spending too much time outside

loud people (sometimes)

public speaking

my glasses

bugs. i don’t care if it’s a butterfly- those are just normal bugs with pretty privilege >:(

having bad skin/not wearing makeup

DEHYDRATION. i literally drink 11 cups of water a day

turnoffs:

being rude to waiters. that’s a one way ticket to getting ghosted

clinginess. i need time to myself sometimes and i really hope my partner would understand that

too much commitment. i’ve been told i love you after talking to someone for 2 weeks (apparently they’ve known me for longer but that’s a different thing entirely) we no longer talk

any use of the 🥺 emoji especially when paired with “haha yeah i get why u don’t like me. no girl likes me. i guess nice guys finish last” 🤢🤢🤢🤢

hobbies:

logic puzzles

baking

spotify playlist making

candy crush type games

exercise

any type of self care

reading random, specific stuff. for example, i got super into the language of flowers before

there’s a lot uh

thank you so much for doing this!! i appreciate all the time you put into writing, to make people smile, and i look forward to anything you come up with!!

I Match You with Shirabu;—

When I read your first trait, I already thought about Shirabu, and the more I read, the more your compatibility grew!

Shirabu is extremely academically intelligent and plans to become a medical student as well! His intelligence is always overlooked due to his peers and their volleyball talent, but it’s canon that’s he’s the only one of them that got in Shiratorizawa without a sports scholarship. I doubt he’ll be with someone that isn’t academically gifted.

Again, he’s also introverted, just like you! He does get along with people and all but he prefers sitting in his dorm and studying, education is very important to him after all.

Though Shirabu may seem as a rude person and someone that doesn’t care, that’s far from the truth. The only person he’s mean to —at least outwardly— is Goshiki, he’s very well mannered and respectful to his other peers. That being said, he’ll never joke about your appearance even if he clearly doesn’t mean it, he thinks you’re gorgeous and wouldn’t want you to think otherwise.

He’ll be disheartened to know how you actually feel about your appearance, even though he had a hunch judging by the way you constantly try to make it seem as if you’re confident. He’ll send daily reminders to you, telling you how breathtaking you truly are and to never let anyone make you think differently.

I headcanon Shirabu as a cat father so he would love to feed into your cat addiction LMAOO. Just imagine you and Shirabu going to a cat cafe and petting the cute cats as they nuzzle into your palm. It truly is an adorable sight!

He’s mostly quiet so no need to worry about him accidentally giving you a migraine with his voice, it’s quite soothing actually! And he loves your glasses, he wears glasses himself and knows how insecure he feels with them so he tries to give you extra compliments whenever you wear them <33!

Concerning your deal breakers, Shirabu is literally the exact opposite of all that LMAOO! He’s aloof at times —he is soft for you in his own way though—, mannerly, and chill.

Once he finds out you like puzzles, he’ll buy many puzzles just for the two of you to solve— he purposely gets them difficult just so you would spend more time with him (my heart </33). Like the two of you holding small puzzle pieces trying to mix and match them with other pieces. He loves your concentrated face so that’s just a plus for him <33.

Overall, you and Shirabu are a seemingly distant couple but you’re the softest ever when you’re alone. You’re also intelligent as hell! Your future kids are lucky to have that gene running LMAOO😭😭.

Author’s Note : HIII SORRY FOR BEING SO LATE, also tysmmm for making it organized, it was fun to match you <333 hope you’re happy with this result and thank you for your kind wordsss

#susss. events

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mental-health-advice · 3 years

Text

Submission about struggling in middle school

Hi, I am still only in middle school but I don’t think I’m mentally healthy atm- I am holding back tears everyday, this is my new normal. I only feel okay when I eat, which is a lot.-but then I hate myself I feel ugly, disgusting, smelly just unworthy of existence.-and it’s not just me bc my friends & family have openly said I’m chubby fat whatever, and I eat too much.

I don’t have the motivation to take care of my hygiene either- barely taking showers or clipping my nails (I’m disgusting ik). My parents think I’m gonna get an honour role (a award for students who get above 90% on all subjects) but I’m not paying attention in school and online school is so so so hard and just makes me even LESS motivated.

I’m lazy, fat, have no fashion sense nor clear skin basically I’m ugly af, I procacinate way too much and use up my time just crying or eating bc that’s the only thing I do that makes me feel better.

I used to draw vry vry well, and I can easily say I was better then many even adult artists in comparison of skill. But now that too I have no motivation for. My art looks like shit and I’ve lost my skills, when someone mentions drawing/art around me I begin to breakdown and panic. So I haven’t even touched my sketchbook in 4 months bc it makes me feel like I’m about to have a heart attack and faint from all the negative emotions.

I haven’t been out of my house in awhile but when I do it’s rarely and I feel like 5 mins of escape but then it’s back to sitting at home being a nasty disgusting failure.

I’m only staying alive atm bc once I’m 14 I can start learning how to drive, that’s literally my only motiv to live. But bc of covid I might not be able to and if that’s the case then I’m gonna start counting my days.

I’ve decided after I turn 14 I will kill myself, if nothing changes after I turn 14, if things do though I will continue living.

I just probably need help and even though I’ve hinted MULTIPLE TIMES AND HAVE OPENLY SAID I NEED HELP IM NOT GETTING BETTER, my parents don’t care to do anything so I can’t even get help. I have no privacy either so I wouldn’t be able to call a helpline since they r always watching me.

It’s like this every damn day and I absolutely hate myself and the world-I hate how messed up the world is-I hate that there’s ppl who hate me for my skin beliefs etc-and I hate myself for it too.

Just any advise for something I can do to get help?

(I’m in Canada btw)

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling lately! It does sound like your mental health is not at its greatest at the moment. I hope that we can be of help, because you deserve to feel better!

When you’re struggling with your mental health, it’s really common to look for coping mechanisms. Those mechanisms unfortunately aren’t always the healthiest. There are a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms, all unhealthy in its own ways. But it sounds like your coping mechanism has become eating. That’s really common actually! It can range in how severe it is, when it gets more severe it can even turn into an eating disorder, but I just want you to know that you’re not alone!

The thing with unhealthy coping mechanisms is that, unless you find a new coping mechanism, it’s hard to stop. There are feelings that need coping with so you’re going to keep eating your feelings away, unless you find another way to cope with those feelings. So something that I’d recommend you is to look for a healthy coping mechanism! You can think about journalling, drawing or painting, doing some light exercise or going for a run, etc.

The fact that you’re not often showering or clipping your nails doesn’t make you disgusting! It just shows that you’re struggling, that’s all. Taking care of your hygiene can be so hard when your mental health is low. It just isn’t the priority and that’s okay. And the same goes for concentrating or paying attention. You’ll find that when your mental health gets better, those things will get better too.

I understand that it’s so tempting to talk so negatively about yourself. In fact, that is something I do too, so I really get it! But the more you repeat things, the more you start to believe them. And that’s why negative self-talk is so detrimental. So instead of talking so negatively about yourself, try to say positive things about yourself. You don’t have to believe them! That will come over time when you’ve repeated them over and over again. But shifting the way you talk can really change your perspective and can help feel a bit better.

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t felt up to drawing. Why do you think you panic so much when you think about it? Could it be that you put too much pressure on it, pressure that your drawing has to be good, or something like that? Do you think it would be easier if you sat down and started with drawing something super simple, just to get you back into it.

I’m glad to hear that right now you’ve got something to stick around for; learning to drive. I definitely hope that you will be able to start doing that, because your life has so much value, even if you don’t see that right now. There are so many reasons to stay, honestly. We have a page with reasons to stay that I hope you can look through. I’d recommend you to make your own list with reasons that apply to you. It usually is best to make that list when you’re feeling relatively okay. Then when you feel bad, you can look it over and it’s not only a reminder that you don’t always feel that bad, it also shows you that there are things worth sticking around for.

I do agree that it would be good if you could see a professional! Do you parents know about your current struggles? In detail I mean? Sometimes you really need to show how bad things are, before they realise that you need the help. I also think it would be good if you could talk to the school counsellor. That might be a little more tricky to organise in online school, but if definitely should be possible!

I hope this helped at least a little bit. Let us know if there’s anything else we can do!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

#mental health #advice #advice blog #middle school #eating #binge eating #eating disorder #disordered eating #hygiene #depression #school #drawing #suicide #suicidal thoughts #suicidal ideation #family #mhapauline

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marshmallowprotection · 4 years

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Kait youre gonna make me cry, you make me want to try writing for chronic illnesses, though it can be hard when it takes up a lot of your energy. My illnesses are all psychological (i think? Im not so confident about that lately) but they have a strong effect on my body at times and often leave me with only enough energy to make it through the day, but your writing makes me want to try. Im actually trying to make changes in my life so i can save up more energy for writing, because of you!

I struggle with both physical and mental illnesses, personally, I've dealt with anxiety and other such disorders since I was a very young child and I've had physical issues for the past 5 years. What has helped me stat hopeful and has given me motivation to get out of bed and work on things is in part, because of my blog and how much Mystic Messenger means to me. The RFA has been there for me ever since I almost d*ed. I can remember feeling like death but they were there for me every day.

Writing is my outlet to express my feelings, but I am aware that I don't know how to limit myself in a healthy way but I promise I'm trying to learn to be nicer. I'm glad you want to challenge yourself. Writing is an art and you learn with practice. Please don't make yourself write something if it is triggering you, and remember to take breaks when you're writing about something that may be emotionally taxing.

That's my best advice for you. Know your limits and set your personal marks. That's how you work with your energy. Take your time and start small, personal. Go with what you know. Grow from that. You can learn a lot about yourself when you start to write about everything that you go through.

Writing can be an escape from the real world and it can help you get through anything. It's always helped me and I know it means a lot to a lot of other people too. If you're going to write about conditions you don't have yourself, always listen to people with that condition first and always be mindful of what you're writing. Research is important but you can't always get things right the first time. Honestly, it's the thought that counts.

Be mindful and kind to others, most of all yourself. You can make mistakes so be open to advice and criticism from people here. We learn when we do that. Learning is a great trait. So is change. That is how we become much better people. A more empathetic group of people.

Put yourself into your writing, really channel your emotions and if you love what you're doing, then what you create will be beautiful.

#anon #ask #mod kait #kait validation hours?#i inspired somebody??? oof me???????#disaster girl????

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paulwalltran · 4 years

Text

Dungeons and Dragons Loneliness

Another interview with lofi music. Today was a pretty shitty day, alot on my mind. Here to unload.

Today’s mood: Fuck it all...

It’s a mad addiction, a horrendous one. It’s all I think about, it’s all I want to talk about. Or almost anything fantasy related. I’ve recently gotten a little closer with one of my co workers. Delerner Banks, everyone calls him Del. He’s always in the tunnel, and always brings warhammer books to read and do work (whatever it is he’s working on.) We talk about fantasy related things all the time, and sometimes we bounce ideas off each other, feeling out our thoughts of settings and lore. Talking to him about some fantasy before leaving work made me feel alot better. The loneliness inside has been eating at me.

I know it’s salt, I know its jealousy, that I’m mad at my friends. They been hanging out more without me, playing cards and shit. Its not a passion of mine, its fun sometimes, but its still not me. Its what they bond over, its what they do together, and that’s what theyre into. If I had to guess, they’re okay with Dungeons and Dragons, but even my best friend said that I take it too serious. Its fallen out of their favor, it eats up a lot of time, and they each have their version of what a fun campaign would be like. In me, I said to myself, “Fine, fuck it. I’ll have to assemble another crew to play with.” Tough situation then isn’t it? Wanting to play a social game that needs bodies, during an age where social gatherings are frowned upon, because they carry a potential to spread a virus... Still, this is what I want to do. I want a group of friends, who share the same passion I do. My current friends must think ill of me, they may just want to hang out. They think that if they come hang with me, I’ll want a game of DnD without a doubt. They just want to chill and kick it, they don’t want to roll dice. But ask me once and I’ll tell you yes twice, to playing DnD.

I love it with all my heart, all of the contents and materials are here, ready to play. No extra investments, no money needed to be spent, we can get going off of nothing like we did back then. A table top roleplaying game, we started with cardboard and lego figures, and just two books to share. But there was fun to be had, and a few heated sessions. But fun it was, the more we played the deeper i grew fond of the game. I’m even willing to experiment with other systems if I have someone to guide me. With cards, you gotta constantly update your arsenal to keep up with the meta, and let’s be real, not playing anything remotely close to meta isn’t as fun. Different formats allow different decks, and to keep current you gotta keep up. I dont have the fundings for it, I dont have the luck. I would rather buy a module that’ll last for years, versus a pack of cards. I have two books that have skyrocketed in value, cards go up and down like stocks. But thats the appeal I suppose, I don’t care for it though.

Back to the thing at hand, I’m in their group chat as they make plans. I can’t be there for all that. But fuck it, that’s all Im going to say. Fuck it, on repeat, until its engraved into my head. Pride is getting the best of me, I refused to be denied again. If it’s not something they want to do, so be it, I need to look out for me in the end. I must muster up the courage to start playing online again, the first one wasn’t bad, but it fell apart. I need to get the courage to be social, and get over the fear that everyone expects you to be a pro player. I’m scared going into this green still, roll20 isn’t my forte. But if I want to play DnD, this seems to be my only option. It may fulfill my wish, to find friends who are just as passionate as I. My other friends, they’re over on the other side. Its fine, it truly is, they have one another, and I need to be strong. I need to find the strength in this loneliness, even though its tearing me apart. My circle becomes smaller, thats just the way of the world. Adapt to survive, be formless like water...

Dungeons and Dragons, my greatest escape. I can be anybody, and do things I normally can’t. I can clobber up bad guys, indecent folk, and finesse my way out of punishment from the law. I can save a village, a town, a kingdom, when I can hardly save myself. I can fly, cast spells, break locks, imagination is my only limit. I can hoard and amass vast amounts of riches, I myself can even become a dragon. I don’t have to be me, although a bit of me resides in everyone I’ve made before. I can never truly separate myself, from those Ive breathed life into. For hours on end, I can go anywhere, do anything, I melt into the world thats placed before me.

Because the reality is that I’m practically shit, and nobody. The world is fucked up and jacked up and spiraling down the drain. I’m mentally fucked and my physicality is pretty much the same. I’m stuck in place when the world is demanding me to change. I lost with no real direction. No map in hand, no guide, and I’m scared out of my mind. I don’t know whether to trust the process or commit suicide. Im not sure where I’ll end up, if it’s good or bad. Im struggling, I’m suffering, and there seems to be no end. I could say I’m trying, but I would be lying, if I had to look at the brighter side. The positive things in life are so hard to identify. But my emotions are raw and hit hard, slamming against the walls in my skull. Demanding me to give them attention...and attention I give them, as they tear me up. Like being pulled at by the limbs, drawn and quartered is the method it seems like today. I was thinking that I couldn’t drink forever, my body would eventually reject. But what if I drank energy drinks on end, a heart attack to get me out of this place. I can down those all day long, so whats stopping me from taking that way out of it? Less grotesque and violent, it’ll probably be painful as hell. An organ seizing up, as the body ceases the function. I get said thinking about it sometimes, but one day, enough will be enough. But damn that lady...damn her for speaking those words... Tomorrow. If nothing is better by tomorrow, then do as you may. But sleep it off, tomorrow is another day.

It’s not verbatim, but its the gist. Just wait for tomorrow, and hopefully things will change. The choice is still mine to make, and something in me pushes me forward, keeps me going on. Sometimes I think about who I’m leaving behind, and maybe how much it’ll hurt. The evil darkness inside me says that they’ll get over it, they have to, and time doesn’t wait. I won’t be immortalized, I’ll simply end up a statistic. That maybe itll be a few years the sadness remains fresh, but wounds always heal. Discrediting my actual existence, and any form of relations. Like I wouldn’t have made any actual impressions, people don’t weep for me now. People kind of forget I exist already, what makes me think they won’t after I’m gone?

I think about my folks, my grandma, my girlfriend, my second family, and other close dear friends. I think about how many last will letters I would have to put out there, before I call for the curtains. Sometimes, I say I will start writing them, but they give me pause. I end up not wanting to leave this world, after pouring out my heart. Because I don’t want to leave any questions behind for people who matter, I want them to know how I felt before I passed. I want to leave with them apart of me, so they would never forget.

Still it doesn’t change, shit is rough as of lately, work has been eating me up. I feel like Im never hundred percent, and me back on gaming is making it worst. I’ve gotten back onto Elder Scrolls Skyrim, its been my virtual version of DnD. Waiting for the Outer World Expansion, so I can get addicted to that again. All I want to do is play Dungeons and Dragons, the question is how do I make that into a living? I think being a Matthew Mercer is one in a million, I don’t think I’m that great. I’m willing to learn, grow, evolve because it is my passion, but I’m always scared of making mistakes. To be one of the greater Dungeon Masters, to be THE Wizards of the Coast Dungeon Master, it may possibly be the dream. To eat, sleep, breathe, Dee en Dee. My obsession isn’t that crazy though, I’m still behind on the lore of creatures and settings, I haven’t studied at all. But with the right drive and motivation, I would, especially with something as real as a legit group.

Enthusiastic players, who show up every week, bi weekly, once every month even, to play this fantastic game. Group of chill folks who is willing to take the Dungeon Master Mantle with I get burned out and have the desire to be in the player seat. One of those is the driving force, they make me want to plan. They make me want to make the world, the style, everything in general better, with the constructive feedback. I mean it’s been so long as I was a player in a campaign until the end, I’m beginning to think paying for a Dungeon Master wouldn’t be so bad. Once a month? A couple of hours? I mean I’m thinking like seven USD per hour? Eight isn’t bad, but after that it becomes a questionable amount. It repeats in my head, “No DnD is better than Bad DnD”, this much is probably still true. I say still because I still might want at least one session with said game, so I can at least say it was the worst after having attempt it, rolling something. Ha ha, I kid myself, I’m lying because I know the rage would be all to real and caution is my game most of the time. But I mean, I just might have to start exploring the idea, I was definitely going to ask on FaceBook if any Roll20 games was recruiting a newbie.

Alas, today won’t be the last time I speak on the matter, Dungeons and Dragons haunt me everyday. I stare at minis, I stare at the upcoming books and modules, and I watch youtube where they tell RPG Horror Stories, Its become a huge part of my life, such as dancing once was. It almost links right into my earliest talents...writing. I love to write, just like I’m doing now. Im fairly decent at the writing game if I must say. Hey, real life failed Bard here, I should make one who always ends up playing big bro, and end up being friendzoned by all his interests. Im short, so Halfling is very true. Am I charismatic? Who knows, I can’t say for sure. But yes, I feel like this is what I need, a solid weekly game, maybe once every two weeks, hell, once every month would still be great. Something to look forward to the very least, in this life of routine and mundane. Something to look forward to for me, something that’s my own. Something I don’t need my closer friends to be apart of, since they’re not interested anyhow. I’m really talking shit because I’m hella salty, but at least I’m being upfront. Get it all out now, before the typing is done.

It’s been a productive session, I may have to attribute it to Lofi it seems. The Lofi Hip Hop Radio on YouTube, also found on Spotify. Some tracks still strike me deep in the chest, giving me horrible flash backs and feeling in my chest. Others keep me going, forward, almost propelling. I’m currently training myself to be accustomed to the sounds, because I at first was very scared. That it would just transport me to a dark place and keep me there. I’ve been trying to confront my feelings more with this music, I think I felt better after last session like this. The more I faced myself, the better I became. Yes, I most definitely referenced Persona 4, another amazing and loved title because of the message it portrays. I always wondered what my shadow self would look like, and what they would say. But eh another time, I’m about to start rambling again. I have to conclude here, before I get off topic.

Until next time Tumblr...

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