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surrogate-fawn · 1 year

Text

Quartz and Sea Glass

((Drabble/Short story based on the backstory a rp with @mittysins of Fawn's first step into the world of surrogacy.))

{This drabble is a sequel to "The First Goodbye" and is Part Two of a planned series based on the rp between Mitty and I. This drabble will not make sense without the context of Part One.}

TW: Mentioned miscarriage/stillbirth, infertility, family abandonment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't put me on a pedestal for what I decided to do with my life. I ain't a saint.

I'll fully admit that I became a surrogate for selfish reasons. When I discovered there was a market out there of couples who needed a healthy body to carry their baby, I did not give a single shit about helping them -- all I cared about was the money.

I was twenty years old and homeless, still living off minimum wage. Can 'ya really blame me?

Lord only knows how that little worm of an idea got into my brain. Maybe it was during a mindless re-watch of season four of Friends. Maybe it was seeing something on the news. Or maybe it was during one of those three-in-the-morning anxiety attacks -- the ones that had me scribbling down as many outlandish solutions to my life as could fit on a napkin.

Not a lot of good ideas came about that way.

However it got there, one day I found myself seated at a library computer searching up as much information as I could find about surrogacy. As soon as I saw the rates some of these couples were willing to pay, I was sold. Fifty to sixty grand -- paid over the span of months. That sure as hell beat $7.25 an hour! The fact I could be eligible for certain state benefits on top of that money didn't hurt, either.

Best part? The one obstacle that could've been in my way had been crashed down a year ago: at least one healthy and successful prior pregnancy.

This was it. This was my way out!

But I hesitated.

As I sat there, staring at the Google search results that led me down the rabbit hole, I wondered if I was really capable of going through it all again. Not so much the physical symptoms, those all passed as soon as the pregnancy was over.

I was wondering if I could handle saying goodbye again.

My son's first birthday had just passed. I'd put a candle in a cupcake and blown it out for him the day of, alone in my room and still in my UDF uniform after work. I'd wished I'd known what name they gave him. The "Happy Birthday" song is a 'lil hard to sing without a name. I'd just called him "my baby" in the song. At least it fit. He would always be my baby, wherever he was and whatever he was called.

I blinked at the blue-tinted monitor. The screen was getting fuzzy and my eyes were stinging. I force-closed the dozens of tabs I had open, shut the computer off, and began my walk back to the women's shelter.

No, I couldn't. Money or no money, I couldn't go through it again. I never...never wanted to go through it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week later, I made another trip to the library to borrow some time at the computer. I couldn't afford a laptop or smartphone, so it was a trip I usually made every other day; but work had been leaving me too tired to swing by.

I found an email waiting for me in my inbox, from a surrogate agency site I remembered looking up. In my mad scrolling, I must have signed up for their mailing list without thinking about it. It was from the highest-rated site I'd found, so at least I didn't have to worry about it being a phishing scam or tied to some baby black market or whatever.

I almost deleted it out of reflex, but the subject line read: "The Basics of Surrogacy, Free Information Guide". A brochure? Not an ad pressuring me to join so they could start taking a cut of my pay? Sure, I'd take a brochure.

So, that was the moment I made the best decision of my life: I opened that email.

I'll spare you the business side of things, but once I got in touch with the agency it all started falling into place. The whole process was much more voluntary than I realized. I spoke with several surrogate mothers who had been matched with clients through the site, and they all stood firm that nothing was done unless both the surrogate and the parents agreed to it. I would have a say in who I matched with. I would have a say in how much I was to be paid. I would even have a say in what the birthing experience would be like!

What finally sealed the deal for me, though, was the fact this company only dealt with what I learned were called "gestational surrogacies" -- meaning none of their surrogates were the biological parents of the babies they carried. I'd have someone else's egg inside me -- I would essentially be a walking incubator. That sounds kinda weird when you think about it, but it solved the biggest issue I had with tapping into this gold mine.

Not my baby? Not my DNA? Fine by me. I decided I'd gladly get paid fifty grand to sit around and grow someone else's kid. Sounded like the easiest job in the world.

I sent my application in two days later.

Two months, a psychiatric assessment, and dozens of medical tests later, I was in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Tariqs weren't the first couple who asked to meet with me. There were two other couples I had a first meeting with, but neither of them clicked with me the way Ray and Tess did.

We met for the first time at a park situated alongside the Tennessee River, bundled in jackets to keep out the early-autumn chill. There just so happened to be a food truck parked by the entrance we agreed to meet at, and Tess declared we should get to know each other over lunch. Seeing as I had skipped breakfast to make it to work on time, I didn't mind the idea.

I was standing off to the side while the Tariqs ordered from the truck, counting out the amount of cash I had on me, when suddenly I heard Tess call me over.

"Which one 'ya want, shug?" she asked, pointing to the menu plastered on the truck's side.

They bought me a chicken panini and a hot hazelnut macchiato, insisting it was their treat. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have needed the rest of that interview -- I had already chosen to be their surrogate in my head.

Buying me food is a fantastic way to get to get me to like you.

We sat at a picnic table beneath the golden oak trees and got to talking. Raymond (or Ray, as he preferred to be called) was a second-generation Indian immigrant and Tess, his wife, was a born-and-bred Knoxville gal. They lived on the rural side of Knoxville, just barely inside the city limits, in a 1960's farmhouse they'd refurbished themselves. Both were in their mid-thirties by the time they sought out surrogacy; up until that point, they'd been though quite a battle with infertility:

They'd been trying throughout their four years of marriage, but Tess could never carry to term. The few times her pregnancy tests would come up positive, she'd bleed a few weeks later. Although they weren't opposed to modern medicine, they'd preferred to try more "natural" methods to solve their fertility issue before going to a doctor. Such methods included the Kama Sutra, meditation, crystals, herbal blends and -- of course -- prayer.

Just the year prior, it seemed their home remedies had worked when Tess finally made it into the second trimester with a baby boy.

They'd lost him in a stillbirth days before the third trimester milestone.

Piled onto that tragedy, the hospital discovered Tess had a defective uterus -- it was physically impossible for her to carry to term. So, that's where I came in.

As I told them about myself, they were delighted to know I came from a household that had rather New Age ideas about life. I didn't mention that I no longer lived by those ideas -- it would've opened too many questions.

However, I certainly understood the good home remedies could do! I was more than happy to trade my recipes for salves for Ray's tips on where to buy the best beeswax in Knoxville. So happy, in fact, that I got carried away.

"My mom makes beeswax candles," I said, hurrying to swallow the bite of panini I had in my mouth. "She used to scent 'em with oils from her flowers, but the oil would seep right outta the wax once it got warm." I chuckled, feeling my nose crinkle in the embarrassing way it does when I laugh. "Sometimes, at dinner, we'd light one of her candles at the table. We'd blink and suddenly there'd be a puddle of rose oil dripping onto the beans and cornbread!"

"Maybe I can help her out with that," Ray said with a grin. He took a quick sip of his coffee. "My grandparents keep bees over in India. My family has a lot of tips on how to melt and mix the wax."

I almost choked on my food when I realized I'd brought up my family. Shit...now I had to be careful.

"Maybe," I said with a causal shrug. "She's back home in West Viginia with everyone else. It's a little hard to make time to see 'em."

"Oh, I'm sure," Tess nodded. "It's the same with my daddy's side of the family. We're just so far apart we forget 'ta check up on each other as often as we should." She finished off the last of her bagel. "And with you, Fawn, you work full time with a little 'un at home. I'm sure 'ya family understands."

I didn't blink for a while. I just stared at the river until the cold breeze dried my eyes out. "Oh, well..." I cleared my throat, "I don't have a little one at home."

Tess looked confused. Ray looked mortified.

"But it says on 'ya file you were pregnant last year?" Tess half-asked, half-stated. I could tell from her tone that there was no malice in her. She'd clearly read my profile and made assumptions.

I smiled, maybe showing a little too much teeth. "Yeah, I was. Very healthy pregnancy, very healthy baby boy, but I don't have a little one at home."

Ray put his hand over his wife's wrist, his sea glass bracelet quietly clattering on the wooden table. Tess went pale and her look of confusion faded into a silent scream.

"Oh. I'm...I'm sorry," she stammered. "I didn't mean 'ta-."

"No, no! I don't mind bringing him up!" I said, a nervous laugh jittering my lungs. "I never get the chance to talk about my son, but I think about him all the time!"

I surprised myself when the expected sorrow didn't come. Instead, excitement filled its place -- an odd sense of relief that I could let out some of the thoughts that had been haunting me.

I proceeded to word-vomit about how wonderful it was to be pregnant with my son, and how angelic his parents were to me, and how I knew he would be okay -- even if I missed him -- and so forth and so on. I honestly don't think I stopped for breath.

I saw Ray and Tess glance at each other from the corners of their eyes as I rambled, a pair of knowing grins on their faces.

I'm no mind reader, but I think that's when the Tariqs made their final decision.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tess was with me for the embryo transfer, her ring-laden hand resting on my arm as everything was prepped. I was bloated as a water balloon from the multiple fertility drugs I'd been plunging into my veins -- every day, might I add -- for the past month. I sure was hoping those suckers worked, because being in a permanent state of PMS was ass. Total ass.

I reclined on the exam table, legs up in those familiar stirrups and my hips covered by a thin sheet of paper. I inhaled through my nose as the doctor inserted a long, thin tube of plastic through the ring of my cervix -- the end of which was attached to a syringe full of clear fluid. Somewhere in that syringe, three little embryos floated around -- and one of them was hopefully about to nestle into its new home.

I watched the fuzzy grey blurs on the ultrasound screen as the doctor angled the wand to see what he was doing. As I watched each of the three tiny balls leave the tube...I just hoped those fertility drugs didn't work too well.

Tess grinned down at me once it was over, her blonde braid falling over her shoulder. "We got three good un's in there," she said. I noticed she was clutching the quartz pendant around her neck like a string of prayer beads. "I'm sure one of 'em will like 'ya enough 'ta stick around."

I think she was just as worried as I was. Tess's egg retrieval, the test tube fertilization, the freezing, and my daily injections all combined into almost three months of prep work just for this ten-minute procedure.

And if it failed, we'd have to do it all over again. And if that failed, we'd do it again. And again.

"Yeah," I sighed, lowering my legs from the stirrups, "I hope you're right, Tess. 'Cause if not, I swear to God I'm gonna have-."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A girl!" Tess screeched to the high heavens, throwing herself against Ray in an attack hug. She jumped for joy while hanging from his neck, almost pulling the poor man to the floor. "It's a girl, Ray! We're havin' a girl!"

Ray laughed, backing up from the table so his wife didn't mule kick the ultrasound technician. "I don't know, Fawn," he said, looking my way with a huge smile and a raised eyebrow. "Do you think it's a girl?"

"Not sure," I said, my nose crinkling in a snicker, "but I think Tess said something about it being a girl."

"Shuddup you two," Tess giggled, sniffling as tears began falling down her cheeks.

Ray held his wife's face in his hands and gave her a kiss deep enough to explore the sea floor. The technician and I decided to focus on the ultrasound images to give the couple some privacy.

I craned my neck to look up at the screen. What had been a microscopic ball four months ago was now an apple-sized baby girl with wiggling arms and legs, and -- thank God -- there was only her in there. The other two embryos had never taken, but this rowdy little girl had held tight. I smiled as I watched the rapid flutter of her heart beating, amazed at the sight. I remembered being just as amazed by my son's heartbeat, what few times I'd gotten to see it.

"Look how active she is!" the technician said, pointing to the baby's constant wiggling. "You should be feeling those little dance moves of hers very soon."

Ray and Tess returned to admire the fuzzy images on the screen. Tess was drying her eyes on her sleeves, and Ray's smile may as well have been glowing. He had his arm around Tess's shoulders as they watched the miniature dance party going on inside me. The sea glass bracelet rattled as his hand came to rest over his heart.

"That's our daughter, Tess," he said. His voice broke a bit as he repeated: "That's our daughter."

"Yep," Tess sniffled, hugging her husband's torso and resting her head on his shoulder, "that's her."

I watched them hold each other like that until the technician turned off the wand and wiped the gel from my slightly rounded belly.

The Tariqs had already begun the steady payment plan we'd agreed to. Even after the agency took its cut each month, it was still more than I'd ever made in my life. That had been why I'd agreed to do this for them, after all.

That ultrasound appointment is what changed my outlook on what I was doing.

These two people. These two amazing people, so overcome with joy because I was carrying the baby that they could not.

I wasn't an incubator anymore. I felt more like a nanny, protecting their baby for them until she was strong enough to come out. They'd wanted this baby for so, so long -- and I was the one making that dream of theirs come true.

I knew what it was like to desperately want to hold a baby you were unable to have. I may not have been able to heal my own hurt, but here I was...healing theirs.

I wasn't doing it for the money after that.

I never did it for the money again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five days after my twenty-first birthday, I woke up to a rather nasty surprise at one in the morning. I'd gotten kicked in the bladder, and my bedsheets and pajama bottoms were damp and sticking to my skin in the humid July air. Fantastic. Not again.

With a groan, I rolled out of bed and started shuffling my way to my door. I held the weight of my belly in my arms as I made my way to the upstairs communal bathroom, hoping to take the pressure off my hips.

I blinked against the harsh florescent light as it sputtered to life over the toilet. With a gruff sigh, I shut and locked the door.

"Suri, you gotta stop doing this," I slurred, my mouth too tired to move. "I'm letting you use my uterus as a bed and breakfast. The least you could do is not try to pop my bladder every night."

Surinder. Her name was Surinder, but we'd been calling her Suri for short. Ray picked it out. He liked it because it was based on the name of a Hindu god and also sounded like the word 'surrender' in English. Tess had fallen in love with the name. Me? I would've just stuck with 'Suri'. I knew exactly what kind of teasing she was in for at school with a name like 'Surinder'.

You can't exactly walk into public school with a name like 'Fawn' and not get laughed into oblivion.

At least the nickname gave her an extra name to fall back on. If that didn't work, she also had her middle name to use: Elora. I would've done the same back in high school -- I did have three to pick from -- but 'Aspen', 'Coriander', and 'Medulla' wouldn't have made the teasing any better.

I'd gone in at age eighteen and erased two of those names. It was just "Fawn Coriander Sequioa" now. Still not a normal name by any means. I often thought about going back into the records and legally changing my last name, just like my parents had done when they'd joined the commune before I was born.

I didn't need my last name. My family didn't want me anymore.

Alexander may have opened up a whole new world for me, but he made sure I burned every bridge behind me as I crossed it. I was already beginning to question my parents' worldview by the time I started dating him, but he took that little spark of doubt -- a spark that, if left alone, would've grown into a steady burn-away of my old ideals -- and fanned those embers into an uncontrollable hatred.

"They're a cult, babe," he'd told me. "Why can't you see that? I can take you away from that bullshit that says you gotta fuck other guys to be happy. I only want what's best for you, and for us."

After months of letting my teenaged angst and frustration boil over, it happened. An argument started between Mom and I over something asinine, and the geyser fucking exploded.

I parroted everything Alexander had been telling me. I told my parents they were nothing but sexual perverts who wanted me to be a whore all my life. I told them how their "woo-woo" medicine got kids killed all over the country, and that blood was on their hands. I told them how much they'd fucked up in raising me.

I told them I hated them.

I told Dad I hoped the next woman who sucked his dick bit it off.

I told Mom that if it was her, I hoped she died choking on it.

The last time I saw Dad, he was throwing everything I owned out of my bedroom window until I was on the sidewalk surrounded by broken furniture and muddy clothes.

The last time I saw Mom, she was sobbing face-down on the couch and refusing to look at me.

Even now, I would be willing sell my soul -- to lay down and die -- just to undo what I did that day.

I didn't give a shit at the time, though. I picked up what I could carry off the front lawn and walked to the nearest payphone to call Alex. I had to tell him I was finally free.

Free.

Right.

What a fucking joke.

I splashed some cold water on my face to wash off the nighttime sweat. Suri rolled one of her feet against the top of my belly, causing a little moving bump that I playfully poked with my finger.

"I'm going to bill you for all those crazy dance parties you're having in there, missy," I said with a grin, a lot less frustrated with her than I was a second ago.

I grabbed a washcloth to start cleaning myself off, but the realization dawned on me and I stopped cold. That was her foot. Her foot was at the top of my belly...which meant her head was angled down...which meant there was no way she'd kicked my bladder.

As I stood at the sink trying to solve that puzzle, I found the missing piece. My belly clamped down hard enough to pitch me forward. I grabbed onto the sides of the sink with a small gasp, feeling the muscles of my torso all tighten and shrink in the direction of my uterus. As it did, a little more dampness spread across my pajama pants.

Oh fuck.

Oh, holy fuck!

I left the bathroom in as much of a jog as I could manage, rushing back into my room and to the brand-new cell phone charging by the window. I had no idea how to save numbers on that thing, so I manually dialed Ray's number. His was the only one I could remember.

The other side of the call rang for a solid thirty seconds before Ray's sleep-drunk voice picked up:

"Hello?" he grumbled. "Who is this?"

Oh, right. He probably didn't have my new number saved, either.

"Ray, it's Fawn," I said, noticing too late that my voice was trembling. "You and Tess need to come pick me up...like right now!"

I heard a rustle on the other end, and suddenly Ray sounded very much awake. "Fawn? Fawn, what's wrong?!" I thought I heard Tess say something nearby, probably on the other side of their bed. "Why do you need us to get you?! Suri isn't due for another two weeks!"

"She...she had other plans," I said, taking a deep breath to steel my nerves. "My water just broke."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ray's face was illuminated by the highway streetlights as he glanced back at Tess and I in the backseat of the car. "How's it going back there?" he asked, flicking his gaze between us and the road.

"Aughh!" I groaned in response as a contraction stole my ability to speak. I tried to lift my hips off the leather seat as more fluid leaked from me, but the seatbelt held me down. I was already sitting in a small puddle of it, and I was worried I was ruining their upholstery. I was still dressed in my pajamas, but I considered them a lost cause.

"We're doin' fine," Tess said, slipping her hand into mine so I could squeeze it -- which I did. "Focus on the road, Ray."

Tess had buckled herself into the middle seat of the minivan, giving her enough room to tend to me while I was strapped in the window seat. I sat with my legs as far apart as the seatbelt would allow. I could already feel the baby pressing through my cervix, and I recognized the pounding pressure that came with it.

The contraction lasted about forty seconds, and it left me reeling and panting. I had no idea when to expect the next one. "Why is this happening so fast?!" I asked, my voice shrill with anxiety. "I was in labor for over a day last time!"

"It's probably not happenin' as fast as 'ya think, doll," Tess assured me, giving my hand a pat. "You could'a slept through most of early labor. Second baby always comes faster than the first, 'ya know."

No. No, I did not know!

"Tessie, how close did the doula say she was?" Ray asked, obeying his wife and not taking his eyes off the road that time.

Tess's face was bathed in white light as she quickly checked her phone. "Ten minutes," she said. "She'll be waiting outside the house when we get there."

Just before she put her phone away, I saw her clutching the quartz pendant again.

Just as promised, the doula was parked outside the Tariqs' farmhouse when we got there. She climbed out of her car as soon as our headlights lit up the gravel driveway. Ray parked the minivan with a lurch and jumped out to start helping her carry things into the house.

Tess helped me out of the car, letting me use her as a crutch as we hobbled up the front steps.

"You ready 'ta do this, Fawn?" she asked.

"Are you ready to do this?" I rebutted.

Tess paused for a second, and then rubbed my lower back as we reached the porch. "Not really," she said, "but no one ever is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turns out, I wasn't as deep into active labor as I thought I was. In fact, I'd barely started it. The doula told me I was six centimeters dilated, and that I'd likely been in labor for close to twelve hours at that point.

"No, that's not possible," I protested from my reclined position on the sofa. "I wasn't having contractions until now."

"Trust me, you were," the doula grinned from her place between my knees. She slipped off her blue latex gloves and tossed them in the trash as she stood up. "I'm willing to bet they were just really mild up until you started leaking."

It was a relief to know my water breaking didn't mean I was going to deliver right there and then; but it also sucked knowing I was still in for a long ride.

I spent the rest of that night laboring around the farmhouse. It was so nice to not be stuck in a hospital room that time. I was free to do as I pleased, which Ray and Tess were sure to make clear.

Ray opened a few of the windows to let the sounds of crickets and frogs in, as well as the sweet-smelling breeze of the countryside. Meanwhile, Tess made it her life's mission to make me as cozy as possible -- no matter where I ended up. Thanks to her, pillows followed me from the sofa to the floor, from the floor to the recliner, and then back to the sofa.

Eventually, I got too restless to sit still and I needed to be upright. I was on my feet for the rest of active labor, hanging from the edges of furniture or leaning on either Tess or Ray for support during the contractions. Neither of them minded a bit.

It didn't hurt any less than the first time I went into labor. At times, I was so overcome by the increasing horrible sensations that I began screaming. Each time that happened, either Tess or Ray (whichever I was currently clinging to) would wrap their arms around me and the other would redirect my focus.

"Look at me, doll," Tess said, taking my face in her hands while Ray held me upright.

I was hyperventilating and sobbing my way through a nasty contraction and had forgotten how to use my legs.

"Look at me," she repeated gently. "Focus on my face. See my eyes? My nose? My mouth?" she pointed to each feature as she listed them. "Just think about what'cha see. Think about every detail 'ya can."

It was a technique that sounded stupid on paper, but in practice it was very effective at keeping me grounded. If I counted each of Tess's eyelashes or tried to trace the shape of her mouth in my mind's eye, then I didn't focus on the pain.

I could do it. I knew I could. I'd done this whole song and dance before without painkillers. I could do it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At ten in the morning, eight hours after arriving at the house, I finally felt the shift that told me I was almost done with this.

I was kneeling on the hardwood floor of the living room, my thighs supported by the shallow birthing stool the doula had brought. Beneath me was an absorbent blue pad. Based on the design of the packaging it was pulled it from, it was supposed to be for potty training puppies. Weird...but if it worked, it worked -- and it was certainly needed. The head was descending quicky, and a few bloody strands of cervical mucus were dripping from me as the last of it gave way.

I'd shed the damp pajamas I came in, but the sweat rolling down my back made me shiver each time an outdoor breeze came through. Tess draped a thin blanket over my shoulders and stayed at my back, her hands never leaving my upper arms as I bowed my head and wailed through a transition contraction.

Ray knelt a few feet in front of me, the doula at his side. He looked a strange mixture of nauseous and excited -- we had decided he would be the one to catch the baby, and the doula was talking him through the process ahead of time. I noticed he was holding a hand to his heart as he listened to her, the sea glass bracelet hanging from his wrist.

We all knew it was about to happen.

When the head finally lodged itself into my birth canal, I said nothing. I just acted. I gripped the front edges of the foot-tall birthing stool and let out a feral growl as I started to push. A chorus of encouragement came from the people around me:

"That's it, doll! C'mon!"

"Go with the urge, Fawn. You've got this!"

"Very good, that's what we like to see."

Having gravity on my side this time made pushing feel much less like a chore. I could feel Suri working her way down each push I gave, and she usually stayed where she was once I let up. Kneeling on the stool seemed to be easing her down exactly where she needed to go.

I let out a yelp -- of surprise more than pain -- as I suddenly felt her head pressing against the skin of my perineum. The pressure opened my lips up like a flower, and the doula shined a flashlight underneath me to confirm her head was visible just inside the bulge of my lips, sitting there ready to crown with the next push.

And holy fuck, did she crown! The burn started the second her scalp met the outside air.

"Oww! God-fucking-damn it!" I white-knuckled the wooden stool, a strangled scream leaving my throat as I felt the head bulge out further, peeling my vagina apart like some demented fruit.

Ray scooted closer, rubbing alcohol up and down his arms in preparation to catch. With the doula watching over his shoulder and aiming a flashlight down so he could see, Ray slipped his hands beneath me. I felt his fingers prodding the skin around the head.

"Just like that, yes," the doula told him. "Help her open, this baby seems to be eager."

"No shit!" I roared, my arms trembling as another push sent the head rushing downward. "Fuck!"

I felt Ray's fingers trace the circumference of his daughter's head as more of it emerged, heard the quiet squelching of the afterbirth coating his fingers. When I no longer had the contraction to help me, I let up. Ray kept trying to massage my vagina open, even as I was trying to rest.

"Stop!" I snapped, and he withdrew.

Tess was hiding behind me, her hands on my shoulders the only reminder she was there. She peeked over my shoulder at her husband during the brief lull in my screaming.

"How far is she out?" she asked, unable to see for herself.

The doula craned her neck. "Almost fully crowned."

"She has so much hair," Ray said with a breathy laugh.

"She does," the doula agreed with a grin. "Her daddy's hair, too. Very dark."

I tilted my head to the side, panting heavily but morbidly curious. "Can...can I feel?" I asked.

The doula took my hand and lead it below my belly. I gasped in awe when I touched the hot, gooey ball of hair sticking out from my body.

"Woah..." I muttered, not sure what to else to say.

My fingertips wandered between my legs for a few seconds, and it was both fascinating and horrifying how my anatomy felt nothing like my own body. Everything was stretched and moved around, and it didn't feel like I was touching anything resembling a human body part -- save for the head sitting where a head shouldn't be. Frightened, I pulled my hand back just in time to bear down against a new contraction.

"Hands out, Ray," the doula gently encouraged. "Here she comes."

I felt Tess press her forehead into my upper back. I think she was feeling faint.

"Ah!" A sharp cry, almost a bark, shot from me as the head reached a full crown for a few terrible seconds. Then, with a wet slip, her whole head came free.

"Holy Mother Gaia..." Ray marveled in a half-whisper. His hands cupped the head hanging under me with the most attentive care in the world.

He didn't have much time to admire the view, I wasn't done pushing. I screamed through closed lips as I felt the ring of flesh just behind my skin get stretched wider than it had ever been. I knew something was wrong as soon as that stabbing, tearing burn began. Suri was two weeks early, but she suddenly felt bigger than my son had been.

"Pull her out!" I begged, remembering what the doctor had done. "Just pull her out!"

"Can't," the doula said. "Her hands are up by her ears, there's nowhere for us to grab."

"Take it slow, Fawn," Ray offered. "I've got her, there's no reason to rush."

I took a few quick pants and rested, hoping the stabbing burn would lessen if I let myself stretch out. It's no wonder it hurt so bad delivering her shoulders, she was making this part more difficult than it needed to be.

Tess's hands lightly squeezed my arms and I felt her hiding her face in the blanket draped over my back. Yeah, she was definitely on the verge of passing out.

Gravity was pulling on Suri even as I was trying to let myself stretch, and the shifting pressure triggered me to push without the aid of a contraction.

"Aughh, Suri come on!" I begged, pushing so hard my vision was going double.

Maybe saying her name was intimidating enough to get her to move, because with that push I felt her arms pop free. Ray gasped, and I felt his hands shift to support her upper body as the rest of her slipped out of me. I heard fluid splash and splatter onto the puppy pad, and just a second later, Ray lifted a small blue baby up from under me.

"Get her breathing," the doula urgently instructed. "Turn her over and rub her back. Support her head."

Ray obeyed, gently flipping Suri over on his lap and rubbing his large hand over her back. Her head hung disturbingly limp on her neck as he jostled her around, but I knew that's what it was supposed to be like. It still looked scary.

Suri splayed her arms out, as if she's been surprised, and let out a gurgling wail as her first breath.

"There she is," Ray sighed with releif, turning her back over to hold her in his arms. The doula whipped out a small towel and draped it over her body to keep her warm.

Tess came back to life and rushed to be beside her husband the instant she heard the baby cry. The moment she saw Suri in her daddy's hands, she dropped to her knees and covered her mouth. Her eyes spilled over, tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Oh, Ray!" she cried, her voice shaky and breaking. She reached out and pet her daughter's wet mop of black hair. "Ray, she's beautiful!"

Ray couldn't answer, he was too choked on tears of his own. Both parents held their daughter between their bodies, too joyful for words to express. Their tears and shared kisses told the story, though.

As for me, I wasn't too sure what to make of the situation. She was out, she was healthy, and her parents would be taking it from here. My job was done; but it did feel a bit...abrupt.

"Fawn," Tess turned to me, uselessly trying to dry her eyes, "do you want to hold her?"

I didn't think, I just spoke: "Yes. I've never held a baby before."

Ray and Tess lifted Suri up to me. Ray adjusted my hold so I could support the places that needed it, and Tess made sure the bloodied towel was in place so Suri wouldn't get cold. Within seconds, there I was with a minute-old baby in my arms, sitting against my bare chest.

I stared down silently at the tiny person who had been living inside me the last nine months. She was screaming her head off, but her lungs were sounding clearer each time her mouth opened. Her pink, toothless gums reminded me of a fish's mouth.

"Hey, Suri," I said, my voice sounding far away. "Must feel better out here, huh?" Suri wailed again, unhappily flailing her arms and legs around. "Or not."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I rested on the sofa, extra puppy pads beneath me, as the doula and the parents did the 'lotus ceremony' on the other side of the room. I'd had to sit on that stool for an extra twenty minutes until the placenta passed -- Ray and Tess wanted to have a lotus birth, where the cord was burned through only after the afterbirth was delivered.

I didn't want to know what they planned to do with the placenta itself.

Ray had offered to drive back to the women's shelter later that day to grab my duffel bag for me. In my panic, I'd completely forgotten the overnight bag I'd packed. So, for the time being, I was naked and covered only by the thin blanket Tess had given me.

The lotus ceremony finished up, and Ray and Tess pulled up some chairs to sit beside me. Tess had gone topless and had laid a sleeping Suri carefully across her chest, doing skin-to-skin so they could establish the proper mother-baby bond. Her eyes were red and raw, and fresh tears were falling from them.

"Fawn," she began, "you'll never know how much this means 'ta us."

"You're welcome," I said, offering the couple a tired smile. "She was a rowdy tenant, but I'd gladly do it again to give you guys the family you want. You'll be an amazing mom, Tess."

Tess let out a small sob that turned into a chuckle. "Thank 'ya."

Ray rubbed his wife's back, his own fresh tears falling. "We have something very special to give you, Fawn. It's...the closest thing we have to fully repaying you."

Tess nodded. "Money ain't enough. It would never be enough."

In sync, both couples removed the pieces of jewelry I'd never seen them without: Tess, her quartz pendant; Ray, his sea glass bracelet. Without a word, both new parents bestowed the items on me as if it were a coronation. Tess slipped the pendant around my neck and flipped my hair out from under the chain it hung on. Ray carefully slid the band of clattering sea-green beads over my hand until it came to rest softly on my wrist.

I looked at the new gifts with a grateful smile. "Something to remember you guys by?"

The couple gave each other one of their classic knowing grins.

"No," Tess said. "We chose these items months ago. They were always intended for who our surrogate would be."

I tilted my head to the side like a confused dog -- I guess the puppy pads were appropriate after all. "What?"

"From the day we met you, we've been praying over them," Ray explained, repeating the hand-over-heart motion I'd frequently seen him do with the hand that had worn the bracelet. "Each milestone we reached, we made sure our joy in the moment was stored in the crystals."

"Quartz is best to channel the energy of a mother, for Mother Gaia," Tess explained. "Glass shaped by the sea is best for a father's energy, for all life was fathered by the sea."

We were silent for a while, just staring at each other. The only sound was the soft cooing Surinder made in her sleep.

"We want you 'ta be a part of this family, Fawn," Tess said. "We've put a part of our essence into these crystals. Our joy, our love, our gratitude. So, whenever 'ya wear 'em, we'll be with 'ya."

Now I was crying. I opened my jaw to say something, but nothing came.

"We've talked about it, and..." Ray said with a smile. "...if you would like to, we'd be more than happy to have you stay here with us until you get back on your feet."

"Livin' out here has been much less of a headache than in the city," Tess continued. "We could help you find a nice 'lil place of your own sometime soon, a home where you can make a life for 'yaself."

There was another pause. I let tears fall silently down my bewildered face.

"You don't talk much about 'ya family," Tess said. "You don't owe us no explanation, but...Ray and I figured...you might need someone in 'ya corner."

That was it. That was the killing blow.

I jumped forward and threw my arms over Ray, collapsing into sobs I hadn't experienced in months. I would've grabbed both of them, but Tess had the baby. I didn't actually say anything to them, but I think they got the message.

Maybe there was something to those New Age ideas of theirs. As I sat there sobbing, I swear I could feel the warmth of Tess and Ray's love seeping into my skin through those minerals.

It seeped through my blood and sinew, and even though bone. It settled into the bleeding wound in my soul that refused to heal, the one that had been torn open the first time I called my family after the fallout:

My own mother, the one who promised to love me no matter what life threw, plunged the knife in and twisted it. The last words she ever spoke to me...were a threat to kill me if I ever tried to come back home.

The warmth of Ray and Tess's gift poured into that wound like warm honey -- not healing it, but soothing it for the first time in three years.

Maybe I was overthinking it. Maybe the heat in the jewelry was just from their body heat.

But I was sure about one thing:

I wasn't alone anymore.

~ END ~

#Fawn Drabbles #mittysins #birth kink #RP Drabble

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septembersghost · 2 years

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I've seen people analyzing tolerate it as more clearly being about crappy hacksaw, but when you were talking about mixed inspiration, do you think some of her experiences with scarf stealer and guitar asshole influenced her too?

(the codenames are sending me)

i had an anon yesterday that was really good, but that i didn't feel like i could post at the time, so i'm going to quote something they said: "she is inspired by a million things. Also this is why her songs are best to analyse." one of her gifts is distilling her experiences and transmuting them into song and storytelling, and there are definitely times when those inspirations swirl together, and while some songs are clear and singular, there are others where she's working through more than one particular situation at once.

evermore happens to be covered in this. (like ivy, you might say!) midnights has brought a lot of that into focus, what she was processing there, across multiple songs. tolerate it being one.

i think an important thing to keep in mind is that, like a domino effect, each of those relationships informs the next. what happened to her in would've could've should've permanently affected her, and it had an impact on everything that happened in regards to the story of red, and it connected to other dynamics for her too, i'd say with hacksaw particularly. i'm not sure we realized how much she carried from all of that until now.

all that said, tolerate it was very scarf stealer to me, especially after Red TV/ATW10 (gain the weight of you, then lose it/I'm a soldier who's returning half her weight), (you're so much older and wiser, and i wait by the door like I'm just a kid/you said if we had been closer in age, maybe it would've been fine, and that made me want to die), (i polish plates until they gleam and glisten/a never needy, ever lovely jewel, whose shine reflects on you), (use my best colors for your portrait/losing him was blue like i'd never known...loving him was red), (i take your indiscretions all in good fun/broke the sweetest promise that you never should have made/i waited on every careless word like they might turn sweet again/you wear your best apology, but i was there to watch you leave), (if it's all in my head, tell me now/in dreams, i meet you in warm conversation, we both wake in lonely beds, in different cities/in my dreams, you're touching my face/i was there, i remember it), (you assume i'm fine/i might be okay, but i'm not fine at all), (i know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it/what a sad beautiful tragic love affair/this is the last time i'm asking you this, put my name at the top of your list/push my love away like it was some kind of loaded gun/i kept you like a secret, but you kept me like an oath). it's a lot!

BUT. we didn't have high infidelity yet, or bejeweled. and while we did very much have dear john (which has definite ties here with the sorrow and the belittling feeling of condescension and the "older and wiser"), we didn't have would've could've should've. so now we've also got: puttin' someone first only works when you're in their top five/i made you my world/i didn't know you were keeping count/there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough -> i made you my temple, my mural, my sky, now i'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life. drawing hearts in the byline. always taking up too much space or time.

and we've got, the most damning of any of them: if i was a child, did it matter?

tl;dr it's, to me, an amalgam of all of this, and it makes SO much sense to me why she'd also connect to the themes of rebecca. she felt small and vulnerable and too young more than once, and she felt like she and the whole of herself and the love she'd given were never going to be enough in shifting ways. :( it's interesting because tolerate it was already devastating to me, but the depth this has all added makes it more so.

#tolerate it #taylor swift #midnights #anonymous #letterbox

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danwhobrowses · 2 years

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AEW x NJPW Forbidden Door 2022 - Initial Thoughts

Back in the Meij era of New Japan, during the beginning of AEW, it was said it'd never happen: and nobody believed that for a second.

3 years later here we are, validated by that skepticism. AEW and New Japan Pro Wrestling's first (and hopefully one of many) supercard hit the airwaves last night/early morning because UK times, and after some radio silence I have finally gotten around to watching it and giving you some of my quickfire thoughts on the show.

Spoilers for the event of course

Before I start anything I will address that people saying this card was 'cursed' because so many injuries are happening around it are being silly. Yes, the injury list AEW has is large, but we know nothing about all the return dates, and honestly only 4 wrestlers on that injured list were needed to be replaced on the Forbidden Door card; Punk, Ishii, Hiromu and Danielson. The show isn't cursed it's just that injuries had poor timing.

Buy-In

A big plus for AEW going back to multiple matches because DoN disappointed me with having the one buy-in match. Granted we could've slotted another women's match but given NJPW's track record we're lucky we got even one.

Love that we also have a Japanese ring announcer...who's having his own mini feud with Justin Roberts XD

Interested that they started with the Factory, but I guess Yoshi and Goto are a crowd pleaser, Goto's music is a grandiose banger too

We can complain a lot about how irrelevant the Factory are, but you cannot deny that QT gets the crowd reaction needed

Surprise match of Comoroto vs Archer, it was a lot more even then it seemed on paper, wonder if that means something for Comoroto

Chicago time is whiskey time

Lee got the pop, and the fist bump

Yeah could I inject about 10 20 more of Swerve vs Despy please and thank you?

I loved that tag match ngl that was main card caliber, had technique and story (I only bet against Swerve and Keith getting undone because Despy looks to be eyeing up the Pure title)

And Ricky 'Thank you for getting the reference' Starks and Hobbs did show up in Forbidden Door at least

I love the Acclaimed & the Ass Boys, they're my idiots, the pop was nice to hear too, the rap was good too

Oh Danhausen XD With the Ass boys song

Man Knight's got leaps

4v2 and my idiots still win, that surprised me. Thought the Dojo boys would pull an upset, but this one still has story

Main Card

Clever to get the JAS shenanigans out of the way, while also pulling on the popularity of Judas, Kingston and Suzuki

KAZE NI NARE

Kingston with that world champion level pop, ON SIGHT

Say what you will about Jericho but he bumped for Yuta so much that the crowd went rabid

I loved this match, though I think you could've added Takeshita and Taichi (or DOUKI for the BOSJ connection) to make it better, maybe seeing Tay get friendly fire dead again because that's always a pop and she sells great. Of course Jericho won because of the lopsided veteran level and Blood & Guts setup but I ain't mad

Kinda wish RPGV came out with Statlander and Chuck, or at least any Chaos guys, or Sue!

Jeffery Corn is still one hell of an athlete, no offense to him and Great-O-Chad but tbf I would've had Aussie Open in this match instead

Man Dax got injured early, that sucked

But he came back! Are we worked or shot?

FTR: 7 OF THE BEST. Great match, Dax really making a point of being Wrestler of the Year

Juice, phrasing...

Ah, they aren't New Japan tables though

Connors was of course a downgrade from Ishii but damn did that scrappy lad get over

Great finish as well, beaming for PAC finally getting some gold. Black will need gold soon though

It kinda saddens me that former world champ Shingo is KOPW champion. Also no special gear from the Dudes with Attitude, I was hoping Darby would do the NJPW Lion half-face

STING DIVING FROM THE ENTRANCE TUNNEL!

This is Ye Olde Young Bucks here XD

Ah ELP, WCPW/Defiant boys represent! But the nipple cripple? Really?

Sting did forget his spot there but it's fine, it's all good fun, he is in his 60s after all. The match ended soon after anyway and it was a nice fan pleaser

JAS you don't attack Shooter! How darest!

Lord does Rosa serve with the gear

The match was shorter than expected but it was still a good match

A lot do criticize Rosa's reign but between this and Deeb I'm hoping a corner's been turned. We also have to be grateful that Tony got this match on the card, it may not have happened had both not had Stardom ties

Bringing JR for flippydoos? Strange choice

No new music or gear for OC, too lazy for either

This is Anime in wrestling form

Again, love him or hate him, Billy Bird Bridges is a heck of a wrestler, wish he still had Elevated as his theme though

That was a 2.999 as I ever saw one

LAWD that final third was incredible, I was expecting a great match but, LAWD

SHIBATA!? I was expecting Chuck for the save but SHIBATA!?

CLAUDIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Even made a nod to the cameraman theory

Dude one-armed ZSJ from the outside, up the steps and threw him into the ring

I was 90% sure it'd be Claudio, because he's a perfect fit (it was not missed that my post with him and Regal started making waves too) for BCC and he can still fill in the 'beef with Kingston' part of Blood & Guts. But it did beget a question of the outcome, which is why I considered the Time Limit Draw

The story of Claudio having the strike power but ZSJ having the grappling was well told, it may've gone on a little too long in the middle portion - though to be honest I do have a limit with submission style wrestlers - but it was a good finish, welcome Claudio!

I got to the 4 Way and realised that it was just this and Mox/Tana left, this show has flown by

Still would've preferred the old IWGP World Title belt, also for Red Shoes to be reffing, Bryce and Aubrey are great but Red Shoes is like NJPW royalty of reffing

I did not expect Cole to be the one to make the first betrayal shot but it definitely makes sense, I expected Hangman to go for Okada though

Man, Okada's just so fucking Crisp. These are 4 of the best wrestlers in the world right now, and none of them 'look a particular way'

The match ended abruptly though, it was good, but it could've been more, didn't even get a Rainmaker. Seems like an audible was called with Cole getting injured, he walked on his own

To the dude who had the 'Pay MJF' sign, that's not the problem man, AEW have said multiple times that they're willing to pay him what he wanted

Should've expected the blood with a match like this, though I did wonder if Blood & Guts would've led to hesitation

Did...Did Tana just do the Kamigoye??

It was another good match, but it also felt cut short a little bit, I wonder if there was a timing problem

I don't think the big brawl was necessary to end things, especially since that shaved minutes off the match, but it is a matter of AEW having Blood & Guts 3 days later.

Conclusion

Overall, I freaking loved this PPV. Granted, there was some low spots with the abrupt endings of the World title matches (women's included) and a brawl ending, plus the looming presence of Blood & Guts and the unfortunate injury bug, but that low is still on the good bar. When your worst match is still good, you know you've done great.

Now that we've proven that Forbidden Door is a success, we should start planning next year to invest more into it. I'm talking all the stops; I want 2 days so we can give talent more time, I want more matches that use the talent pool, I want to see TJPW and Stardom involved so we can get more women's matches, and I want it to have its own specific slot that's not between another PPV and special episode.

If I were to pick my favourite match, it probably has to be Ospreay vs OC, just inching ahead of the All-Atlantic 4-Way because of that final third. But when it comes to whether I was entertained, surprised and invested throughout, the answer is Yes, Yes and God Yes.

Match Results and Predictions

Bishamon (Hirooki Goto & YOSHI-HASHI) def The Factory (QT Marshall & Aaron Solo) [Pinfall by Goto on Solo via Reverse DDT/Spinebuster combo] Lance Archer def Nick Comoroto [Pinfall via Blackout] Swerve in their Glory def Suzuki-Gun (Yoshinobu Kanemaru & El Desperado) [Pinfall by Lee on Kanemaru via Jackhammer] Max Caster & Gunn Club [Billy, Austin & Colten] w/ Anthony Bowens def NJPW LA Dojo [The DKC, Kevin Knight, Alex Coughlin & Yuya Uemura] (Pinfall by Caster on DKC via Mic Drop) Minoru Suzuki and Le Sex Gods (Chris Jericho & Sammy Guevara w/ Tay Conti) def. Eddie Kingston, Wheeler Yuta & Shota Umino [Pinfall by Jericho on Umino via Judas Effect] FTR (c) def United Empire (Jeff Cobb and Great-O-Khan) (c) & Roppongi Vice (Trent? and Rocky Romero) [Pinfall on Romero by Dax via Big Rig] - NEW IWGP TAG CHAMPIONS!! PAC def Clark Connors, Malakai Black and Miro [Submission on Connors via Brutalizer] - INAUGURAL AEW ALL-ATLANTIC CHAMPION!! Dudes with Attitude (Sting, Darby Allin and Shingo Takagi) def Bullet Club (The Young Bucks & El Phantasmo w/Hikuleo) [Pinfall by Takagi on ELP via Last of the Dragon] Thunder Rosa (c) def Toni Storm [Pinfall via Final Reckoning] Will Ospreay (c) w/Aussie Open def Orange Cassidy [Pinfall via Hidden Blade] Claudio Castagnoli def Zack Sabre Jr. [Pinfall via Ricola Bomb] Jay White (c) w/ Gedo def Kazuchika Okada, 'Hangman' Adam Page & Adam Cole [Pinfall on Cole] Jon Moxley def Hiroshi Tanahashi [Pinfall via Death Rider] - NEW INTERIM AEW WORLD CHAMPION!!

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jazziehart · 4 years

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Taylor Swift Albums Reviews

Hello my lovely blog readers,

I want to thank those of you who stick around through all my crazy rants and long Glee posts. You guys are the real MVPs and I will always appreciate you.

Anyway onto why we're here, in the wake of Taylor rereleasing her albums I found it fitting to take a look back at her discorgaphy so far! Thanks to my good friend Aly, I decided to relisten to all of her albums which the order was randomly decided. I will be talking about the deluxe editions so enjoy!

Let's start off with the first album that was drawn first which was Red.

One of my favorite albums right off the bat with probably her best album cover. I remember how excited I was for 22, mostly because my girl Dianna Agron's name was in the liner notes. Let's dive into what I thought now about 9 years later!

Favorite Track: Begin Again Least Favorite Track: The Last Time (featuring Gary Lightbody) Bonus Track I Wish was on the main album: All of them!!! Favorite Bonus Track: The Moment I Knew Album Ranking: 6th/9

Overall I adore this album so so much. The only track I didn't care for in the least was The Last Time. I think you'll find a trend with me that my least favorite Tayor tracks tend to be her duets (the exception being Everything Has Changed which is also on this album and is the purest of all). The album has held up and even moreso I love it than the first time I listened. Crazy. Anyway onto the rankings of each song. DISCLAIMER: These are just my opinions and you can disagree with them but please be respectful.

1) Begin Again 2) The Moment I Knew 3) State of Grace (Acoustic Version) 4) I Almost Do 5) Stay Stay Stay 6) All Too Well 7) Everything Has Changed (featuring Ed Sheeran) 8) 22 9) Come Back...Be Here 10) Red 11) I Knew You Were Trouble 12) The Lucky One 13) We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together 14) Starlight 15) Girl at Home 16) Sad Beautiful Tragic 17) State of Grace 18) Holy Ground 19) Treacherous 20) The Last Time (featuring Gary Lightbody)

Honestly I adore this album so much as a whole and ranking every song was so hard. Holy Ground honestly had a lot of potiental I hated the arrangement but if I heard an acoustic version I would be sold, much like State of Grace which I wasn't huge on the original but the acoustic I'm obsessed with. Moving onto our second album which is one of Taylor's newest.

folklore! Funny enough on first listen I wasn't as into it as everyone else was but trust me, the relisten definitely helped me change my mind. I also heard the lakes for the first time which I loved. Since it's the only bonus track I'm going to say I definitely wished it had made the main album over some of the other songs on it. Let's dive into my thoughts and rankings.

Favorite Track: mad woman Least Favorite Track: invisible string Album Ranking: 9th/9

1) mad woman 2) the 1 3) the last great american dynasty 4) mirrorball 5) hoax 6) peace 7) seven 8) august 9) my tears richocet 10) the lakes 11) cardigan 12) betty 13) illicit affairs 14) epiphany 15) this is me trying 16) exile (featuring Bon Iver) 17) invisible string

Okay I know cardigan and betty being so low is going make people unhappy but honestly I just loved the other songs better listed above it. So many gorgeous songs and a great era for Taylor. It's not my favorite era and still falls in my lower half of her albums but I can appreciate the tracks on it more than I did before with the relisten.

Now onto Taylor's most recent album which came up next in our randomization in evermore

Unlike folklore on original listen I absolutely adored this album and had it in my top tier Taylor albums but will that opinion hold up? Let's find out.

Favorite Track: no body, no crime (featuring HAIM) Least Favorite Track: gold rush Favorite Bonus Track: it's time to go Album Ranking: 7th/9

1) no body, no crime (featuring HAIM) 2) happiness 3) champagne problems 4) willow 5) cowboy like me 6) dorothea 7) majorie 8) evermore (featuring Bon Iver) 9) closure 10) long story short 11) ‘tis the damn season 12) ivy 13) it’s time to go 14) coney island (featuring The National) 15) right where you left me 16) tolerate it 17) gold rush Okay let's talk about the relisten, it still held up but to me the one thing I didn't love about the album was the bonus tracks didn't add much to the original album so I kind of see why they were bonus tracks. I enjoyed the album none the less and I do think that most of my opinions are somewhat popular. I only see people being mad about 'tis the damn season being so low but honestly 1-11, I loved all the tracks so.

Up next is the rerelease that started it all, Fearless!

Now let's see after 13 years (hey Taylor's lucky number) if my opinion of this iconic album changed. Back in the day I was so obsessed with this album so let's see how I feel now!

Favorite Track: You're Not Sorry Least Favorite Track: The Way I Loved You Bonus Tracks I Wish was on the main album: Forever and Always (Piano Verison) and Come in with the Rain Favorite Bonus Track: Forever and Always (Piano Version) Album Ranking: 4th/9

1) You’re Not Sorry 2) White Horse 3) Love Story 4) You Belong with Me 5) Change 6) Forever and Always (Piano Version) 7) Fifteen 8) Hey Stephen 9) Come in with the Rain 10) Jump Then Fall 11) Fearless 12) Forever and Always 13) The Best Day 14) The Other Side of the Door 15) Breathe (featuring Colbie Cailaitt) 16) Untouchable 17) SuperStar 18) Tell Me Why 19) The Way I Loved You

I still remember when this album was first coming out how jazzed and excited I was for it. It was highly anticipated for me being that I had fallen in love with Taylor from her debut album and listening back it still holds up as one of my favorite albums. The only two tracks I wasn't into back then and still am not into are Tell Me Why and The Way I Loved You. Other than those two tracks the entire album is incredible to listen to. I'm so excited to hear Taylor's versions of all these songs and who knows maybe my mind will change on some of them.

Moving onto the next album to be randomly selected which is almost every Swiftie's favorite 1989.

Funny enough, originally this album isn't in my top favorites so who knows if my opinion will change on a relisten. Let's find out!

Favorite Track: Clean Least Favorite Track: I Wish You Would Bonus Tracks I Wish was on the main album: All of them?! Come on Taylor what's up with 1989 and Red having like some of their best tracks as bonus tracks. I'm mad haha. Favorite Bonus Track: Wonderland (gee I wonder why) Album Ranking: 5th/9

1) Clean 2) Wonderland 3) Wildest Dreams 4) This Love 5) You are in Love 6) Welcome to New York 7) Shake It Off 8) Blank Space 9) Bad Blood 10) Style 11) How You Get the Girl 12) Out of the Woods 13) New Romantics 14) I Know Places 15) All You Had to Do was Stay 16) I Wish You Would

Okay listening back. I now get the hype behind it. Listening to it with bonus tracks honestly makes all the difference. No joke. It's a much better album with the bonus tracks added. Honestly if Wonderland and You are in Love were on the main album it would've been top tier to me. Thank God for the deluxe version but team Taylor what is up with you hiding some of her best tracks and only releasing them on the bonus tracks? I'm mad. Also speaking on Wonderland, I adore the song even without the rumours of it being about my favorite celebrity Dianna Agron. Had the bonus tracks been on the main album it would higher but as a whole I love the album.

And now for our next album, which is reputation!

This is probably Taylor's most controversial albums, some love it and some hate it. I actually am somewhere in the middle. I love some of the tracks while others I could've done without. Let's see where it goes for me listening back.

Favorite Song: New Year's Day Least Favorite: Dancing with Our Hands Tied Album Ranking: 8th/9

1) New Year's Day 2) Gorgeous 3) Don’t Blame Me 4) This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things 5) I Did Something Bad 6) Dress 7) Delicate 8) Call It What You Want To 9) ...Ready for It? 10) Look What You Made Me Do 11) King of my Heart 12) Getaway Car 13) So It Goes... 14) End Game (featuring Ed Sheeran and Future) 15) Dancing with Our Hands Tied

Okay I feel like my choices here are controversal especially Getaway Car being pretty low on the album. Honestly I liked the song just wasn't into the hype that everyone else said about it, sorry you guys. Also Dancing with Our Hands Tied on the ALBUM is my least favorie song. I absolutely adored Taylor's acoustic version that was in the rep Tour. Had she released that on the album it would be after Look What You Made Me Do. The arrangement on the album I just didn't care for and I prefer acoustic Taylor which I think a lot of you gather from my top picks.

Anyway moving onto to our next album that was randomized which is...Taylor Swift!

Ah yes the album that started it all. 15 years ago I discovered Taylor Swift via this album thanks to CMT. I was a huge country music stan back in the day who knew how this one album would lead to a career I've been following for 15 years. Now how does this album hold up? Let's find out!

Favorite Song: Should've Said No Least Favorite Song: A Perfectly Good Heart Bonus Tracks I Wish was on the main album: Invisible and I'm Only Me When I'm with You Favorite Bonus Track: Invisible Album Ranking: 3rd/9

1) Should’ve Said No 2) Invisible 3) Cold as You 4) Picture to Burn 5) Our Song 6) The Outside 7) A Place in This World 8) Teardrops on My Guitar 9) Stay Beautiful 10) Tim McGraw 11) I’m Only Me When I’m with You 12) Mary’s Song (Oh My My My) 13) Tied Together with a Smile 14) A Perfectly Good Heart

This album still holds up 15 years later and made me so nostalgic. This had to be the hardest album for songs to rank thus far. Taylor hit it out of the park on her very first album crazy. She set the bar very high, funny enough it's the first album that a bonus track is my least favorite track but the entire album is a great listen, especially if you love country. It's very different from anything else Taylor did but that's what's so charming about it.

And now onto our second to last album which is another one of my favorites and the only album Taylor wrote fully on her own, Speak Now.

The album cover is up there with Red as my favorite and I'm excited to listen back to this album. I remember how much I enjoyed it when it was first released. Excited to see what I think 11 years later. Let's find out.

Favorite Track: Haunted (Acoustic Version) Least Favorite Track: Last Kiss Bonus Tracks I Wish was on the main album: All of them. Dang it Taylor they deserved to be on the main album. Favorite Bonus Track: Haunted (Acoustic Version) Album Ranking: 2nd/9

1) Haunted (Acoustic Version) 2) Long Live 3) Haunted 4) Better Than Revenge 5) Back to December (Acoustic Version) 6) Mine 7) Back to December 8) Mean 9) If This Was a Movie 10) Innocent 11) Dear John 12) Speak Now 13) Ours 14) Never Grow Up 15) The Story of Us 16) Superman 17) Enchanted 18) Sparks Fly 19) Last Kiss

One of Taylor's absolute best albms and it was incredibly hard to rank these songs. I know people are going to be mad about Enchanted being low but I just didn't love it as much as the other tracks on the album, this after all is one of the best albums she ever released so it's incredibly hard to make the call.

Moving onto our final album which I've called my absolute favorite, Lover.

It's only been an year since its release but will it hold up as my favorite album? Let's find out!

Favorite Track: Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince Least Favorite Track: It’s Nice to Have a Friend Album Ranking: 1st/9

1) Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince 2) Paper Rings 3) Lover 4) Soon You’ll Get Better (featuring The Chicks) 5) You Need to Calm Down 6) The Archer 7) The Man 8) Daylight 9) Afterglow 10) I Think He Knows 11) False God 12) Death by a Thousand Cuts 13) Cruel Summer 14) Cornelia Street 15) I Forgot That You Existed 16) ME! (featuring Brendan Urie from Panic! at the Disco) 17) London Boy 18) It’s Nice to Have a Friend

Yep it held up. This album is my favorite thing Taylor ever released. It was a tough call because I loved all of her top albums so much. Miss Americana still is my favorite performance which is no surprise, I was obsessed when this song came out 2 years ago. It's Nice to Have a Friend is the weakest track on the album but by no means is it a bad track. The entire album is a great listen all the way through, the only song that's hard to listen to especially if you have a sick parent "Soon You'll Get Better" I literally bawled after I finished it. So if you don't want an emotional song that might make you sad, it's best to skip it even though it's one of favorite tracks.

And that does it for us here. Hope you enjoyed my album reviews! Just to recap here's the rankings of all of Taylor's Albums:

1) Lover 2) Speak Now 3) Taylor Swift 4) Fearless 5) 1989 6) Red 7) evermore 8) reputation 9) folklore

Excited to see what's to come with the rerelease of Fearless and to hear the songs released from the vault. I've heard a few of her unreleased songs and honestly there are quite a few that I'm hoping are released. Thanks for enjoying us on this journey as always be kind and always spread love <3

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rappaccini · 3 years

Text

alright motherland: fort salem thoughts

(spoilers)

motherland: fort salem is an awful title. make it one or the other, not both.

the opening title sequence is one of the best i've ever seen. beautiful, atmospheric and does a great job of setting up the worldbuilding.

the three mains really start to evolve from their generic ya protag starting points. rae, tally and abigail are really solid, if sometimes waylaid by writing that doesn't let them evolve much beyond their types (The Rebel, The Sweetheart, The Good Girl, respectively).

and their friendship dynamic is excellent. they did a great job with that evolution from unit to best friends.

(granted the acting is less-than-wonderful. i think someone else could've elevated the material, but they just kinda... deliver it adequately. everyone undersells very intense emotions and it's very... whelming.)

i don't care about rae and scylla or abigal/adil for inverted reasons: i like adil's effect on abigail, i just think he's made of cardboard; i dislike how immediately ride-or-die raylla are when they barely know each other (and when scylla is lying to rae the entire time they're together) but i think scylla is a much better character.

i swear the one time i want a slowburn rivals-to-lovers vibe (with abigail) over the juicy spy-falling-for-her-mark story, they don't do it. abigail x rae supremacy, not sorry about it.

but it was great for scylla to be on her own in s2. that saved her from amity blight syndrome.

eliot laurence is being added to my list of male showrunners who can be trusted with female and queer characters. proving to all of us that all that's required to get minority characters right is.... competence at your fucking job. it's not hard, you just have to try.

this show feels like it's a live-action american version of an anime, a comic adaptation, or a ya novel adaptation. it being 100% original just for tv is wild. i can't believe it was greenlit.

can't get over how an abc freeform show has a canon sex holiday for teen witches to have state-sanctioned orgies, or subplots about how our plucky teen protags have to have arranged polyamorous marriages to young men so they can be bred like racehorse mares or prized showdogs.

or that they have so many queer characters, queer romances, queer dynamics... (on top of rae/scylla, rae's gay friend being treated so evenly and not like a punchline and them bonding organically over being queer, rae's dad having such an accurate Straight Dad Trying To Be Chill Abt His Lesbian Daughter vibe, the gnc character being treated as totally ordinary... even abigail having three dads. her mom literally has a harem.) i can't believe this is a cable tv show made for teens on a network that's basically the disney cw.

the spree's fire-burning disguise? fucking badass. there are some incredible images in this show.

that being said i hate the orange-and-blue filter.

the dope ancient families? i'm obsessed with learning more about the bellweathers.

the magic system is the most unique thing about this show. witchcraft as siren song is a wildly unique concept, and i love how seriously they take it-- something that could otherwise be very goofy ends up very cool.

granted i think it's so big that it's hard to follow. it doesn't really mean much if abigail and rae are adding to witch canon if we barely know the limits of witch canon

for that matter the thing that makes this show stand out is undoubtedly the world. all the tiny details, the little cultural mentions like different states (and the cessions), the religious divergences (goddess instead of god, christo-pagan being a sect), the technology being outdated bc of magic's influence, the alternate wars, the mothertongue, biddies.... insane. absolutely insane

the shift towards matriarchy because of three hundred years of witches from matrilines being the backbone of the military. the religion. the magic system. it's ridiculous but the show takes itself completely seriously, so it works.

granted the balloons-are-a-symbol-of-malice shit is still... hilarious.

i would absolutely read an entire book just about this world and how the witches' involvement in us and world affairs changed history. i'm watching just to get a look at this world.

.... but a lot of the worldbuilding has holes.

(like, 'wow rae has a cession drawl' as she talks no differently from everyone else. someone needed to get this actress a voice coach.)

like 'chippewa cession is in the carolinas but the map clearly shows that the whole cession runs through the middle of the country and the chippewa are from the upper midwest/great lakes'

like, witches are the dominant force in us politics and military, yet for some reason anti-witch christianity is still in power.

like, 'hey, witches only pass their powers down their maternal lines of descent, and we need more witches to be bred. let's send all our female witches of childbearing age to war when we have male witches who are just as powerful and don't pass their powers on to their kids.' .............????? that's dumb.

or the bellweather line of witches being So Special and vital to preserve, and having enough power to get themselves cushy command positions out of danger, yet there's only one bellweather daughter left? abigail should have a dozen sisters and cousins.

or rae and tally being the last of their oh-so-precious lines (and rae in particular having Powerful Genes), yet being sent to war instead of made to have babies.

and the plots and theming take turns that i kind of hate. we spend a whole season watching the spree murder thousands, except, oops actually they're Just Misunderstood? too late.

or the Blood Purity thing about the witch matrilines.... look bro if you're critiquing it you're doing a shit job. and just because a character of color is Purest Of Blood doesn't make it less icky a concept.

and the rise-of-skywalkery 'your bloodline is what makes you special' shit. gross.

particularly with abigail's s2 plot literally being 'so who do you want to be bred to? remember you have no choice. you, a teenage girl, will be isolated from your friends and peers, impregnated and used as a brood mare to pump out more soldiers to fight and die in our forever wars. but hey, lets meet these hot boys!' i mean... dear god. run abigail run.

.... can't get over how abigail is STILL so gung ho about the status quo after she watches it murder innocents and try to turn her into a brood mare. she just does not consistently develop.

we end s1 with general alder pulling a coup and mind controlling the president to secure unlimited power. and then sending three teenage girls on a suicide mission to keep them from telling anyone... yet she's Secretly Justified? and then in s2 is Bad again after an entire season of proving herself trustworthy? i swear the show cannot make up its mind about her. pick one or commit to a shift from one to the other.

and how was she still in power if her superiors know she was power hungry. makes no sense

we spend an entire season questioning the institution of the witch conscription and how ethical it is to constantly keep up forever wars, and how sus the us's involvement in world conflict is... yet we end on a note of Join The Army, Girls!

s1 establishes that witches are revered and adored, but in s2 they're suddenly not anymore and they're an oppressed minority group being hunted by witch hunters..... no. you can't make that massive a public opinion shift in a matter of weeks when the group in question has been dominant for FOUR HUNDRED YEARS and is baked into national identity.

also given how much shit the witches do in s1, having the witch hunter bigots be to a certain extent right about wanting to be free from them by any means necessary is... Not Good.

s2 really does blow a lot of holes into everything. still entertaining, but not nearly as tight as 1.

(hot take: s1 ending on the girls concluding military school and being sent into the field was great. sending them BACK in s2 killed that momentum. we needed to be done with witch school after s1.)

(hot take: bc development is always the best when you shove a character into the toughest situation they could face, the end of s1/start of s2 should've been: type-a legacy kid kool-aid-drinker abigail deserting and running away with the dodgers after seeing what the army were doing to the tarim. sweet flower child who firmly believes the army just wants to help ppl and wants to protect people tally joining the spree after getting livid at all the war criming. rebel slacker rae becoming the most loyal to the army and joining alder's inner circle as she completes her coup attempt.)

feels like the plots they wanted to explore just don't fit the world they made. and that their characters are just vessels to tell us about the world. or that they don't understand how to competently write the themes they want to explore. they're too ambitious for their own skill level, but i'll take that any day over being too cowardly to go for it with your batshit world.

still the world and the concepts alone are cool enough to stick around for. i'm gonna stick with the show, esp since it's getting one more season. maybe they'll into-the-badlands this shit and really come through in the final act. maybe not, but at least it'll be enjoyable and not too much of a time commitment.

#motherland fort salem

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