#i don't even know what to feel about the ep tomorrow night

[jmdbjk]

All things Walmart, poo, ticks and inspiration...

Spoiler alert but to hell with it, I know y'all have watched it all already.

Things I cannot relate to and will never happen to me:

• Pushing my cart down the snack aisle at Walmart and running into Jungkook searching for Tostitos and a sponge.

• Going out to the mailbox to gather the day's junk mail and two guys on a Harley drive by and wave at me and me not know it was Jimin and Jungkook.

• Hiking through the forest and not realizing that guy way up ahead swatting at mosquitoes is Jimin.

• Enjoying my lobster mac & cheese at a restaurant and not know Jungkook is discreetly (not so discreetly) staring at my food trying to decide if he wants to order what I'm having.

I didn't have time today to spend on this like I wanted to and I feel like everyone has already talked about the finer points they're most interested in so I'm going to just drop a few things that made ME laugh, smile and cherish the fact they even started this thing, this show. Episode 3 will be here tomorrow night (for me) so I don't want to delay this anymore so I'll be brief for Ep. 2.

Saturday, July 15:

They left the campsite and Jungkook got to ride the motorcycle. Jimin said he looked like a proper American.

They stopped at a park and hiked a trail. Jimin fought mosquitoes. It was brutal. I've seen people worried about ticks. And snakes. Jimin pointed out a spider on a tree. Jungkook fantasized about alligators. Tick inspections occurred all around later on I hope.

We didn't see the transition from woods to marina. Maybe they had to make a bathroom stop for Jimin. Or urgent care to get him some meds. Who knows. Poor thing was suffering.

On the yacht, Jimin was still feeling puny but he tried. He ate though he knew he was risking it all.

He horsed around with Jungkook with the beast still rolling around in his guts.

I really wasn't expecting so much poop talk during Are You Sure but here we are.

I think this summed up the yacht trip. Especially after how it all started with the excursion being leaked by the boat captain himself. Perhaps the editors did this on purpose.

FYI those concentric ripples in the images are my camera trying to capture the screen in a different frequency than the monitor refreshes or some tech mumbo jumbo. Apologies and please ignore. It's Disney's fault for not letting us screen cap using an app.

I think Jungkook was looking for ticks. He would take something like that seriously, don't you think?

But Jimin mostly slept on the yacht. He had a rough night before. They still salvaged what they could and they still seemed to enjoy the experience.

A trip to Walmart. On the way they have one of those rambling conversations where Jungkook, who is not the most talkative type, decides to talk Jimin's ear off. They talked about making music and what drives them personally in their choices about their work.

We'll visit that thought again in a minute....

The whole Walmart visit is surreal to me. I go to Walmart at least once a week so to see Jimin and Jungkook browsing the aisles just blows my mind. NEVER did I EVER dream I'd see them looking for bacon at WALMART.

They look just like anyone else pushing their shopping cart going down the cereal aisle past the boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Sugar Pops.

Jimin was a tad testy when JK disappeared. He even cussed him out. HAHAHAHAHAAA. BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!!

I know Jimin-ssi, why are men like that? I swear to god...

I saw someone say this sums up their dynamic perfectly: Jimin calculating in his mind how to work the self-check out while Jungkook does the helicopter cam above him.

You gotta give it to Walmart though, they do know their customer. The self check out is pretty self-explanatory.

The content of their cart:

TWO boxes of Twinkies???? And both Prego AND Ragu...

Getting to the AirBnb accommodations. Cooking. Chilling out before bedtime and Jimin lets Jungkook hear Who.

Horsing around in bed. You know, all these years, I've wondered how they keep the toothpaste spit inside their mouths while brushing their teeth? We've seen them brushing their teeth backstage, in the bathroom, walking around the green room, outside practicing choreo... HOW DO THEY NOT DROOL ALL OVER THEIR CUSTOM MADE OUTFITS? And now wrestling on the bed...

Waking up, JK and his frosted flakes. Jokes about abandoning Jimin...more horsing around on the bed. And then they doze off again. I know they did. Hard to tell but Jungkook is glued to Jimin's back.

Jimin gets to ride on the back of the Harley with JK. It starts to rain. I guess they were bringing it back to the rental place.

Going back to the store for a sponge.

I think Jimin was feeling much better. Looked like he slept better.

We see the Army who said they met Jimin and Jungkook last year. When I first heard about it I thought how lucky and random and what kind of stars need to align for that to happen??? What a great experience!!! When will it be our turn???

And then the next idea for Run BTS (the show)... hide and seek while shopping for specific ingredients to cook with and the twist is they're in a foreign country. WORLD TOUR RUN BTS!!! BIGHIT I HAVE IDEAS!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!!

Its raining, dancing in the rain as they exit the store. They leave in the Jeep and head back to the house to eat their pizza.

Army in Connecticut won in life.

Then they start their journey back to NYC (I'm assuming) so Jungkook can go on to London and Jimin can head back to Korea. They stop one more time for lobster rolls and lobster mac & cheese.

That's when we see Jungkook contradict himself...

In the Jeep just a little while ago you said nothing inspired you. Was it the rain or the beer that was inspiring you? Or was it the head full of new memories and ideas about the next trip that were swirling around in there?

By the end of this trip, they are back in sync.

Their closing interview: JK wants to keep doing this until they're 50, 12 more seasons! JK said "practice being better variety show entertainers so the two of us can continue doing this" as motivation to continue doing this type of thing way into the future. Jimin found humor in that. And that's where we fade to black.

And during the credits, Jimin is eating again, spicy ramen, possibly the next day. Apparently his stomach is back in order as he readies to fly back home.

What a trip.

Deeper thoughts:

Jimin and Jungkook wanted to spend time together. We knew that. It didn't seem to happen when it could have. They even said so in the Jeep. But JK concluded the discussion succinctly:

Finally.

Finally they were spending quality time together. Though their talk was brief, we have no idea if there was more to it before or after what we saw of it. The editors showed us that much enough to explain the situation and why it had not happened. The end result of it all was: finally.

Finally, after wanting this. Finally, after saying we would. Finally... doing something together that we loved doing before and we've wanted to do again. Finally.

Jimin pushed for it. He knew. He made it happen. Finally.

They are two distinct personalities and their journeys through this solo era leading up to their enlistment were different.

Jimin is a leader and doer. He is the initiator. Jimin said if he hadn't pushed for this show to happen it would not have gotten done.

There were a few moments in these first two episodes where Jimin brought up MS. Jungkook didn't seem thrilled to talk about it.

They truly didn't know what they were going to film for this show. They got in the car and started to make it up as they went. I can see how that would be awkward.

They don't understand that just them being themselves is what we want to see. They don't have to try to make something happen. Its the spontaneous moments that make the best content (see kayak dump and Walmart trip). Maybe Jimin was more in tune with this than Jungkook was but he is the one who turns on a live and sits there and watches Netflix while eating chicken. They had to get back in sync and they did.

So the first episode was a little slow, a little cautious, a little quiet. Reserved. That first day they were finding their groove, getting 're-acquainted' if you will, finding the slots and spaces in each other that fit and feel the most comfortable to them. You could see them relax as the day wore on.

But, they still had challenges. JK's head cold. Jimin's stomach bug. You want some TMI's? Watch Jimin run to the bathroom for the fifth time.

We may see a little bit of this quiet re-acquainting when BTS does its first group live next year. And yes, I am 100% confident we will see this first live shortly after Jimin and Jungkook are discharged. We will see them in a way we've never seen before.

After both episodes... my conclusion is we saw about 2 hours out of the roughly 3 or three and a half days Jimin and Jungkook were together. Thursday evening, July 13 through Sunday evening, July 16. I'm not exactly sure when JK left for London but Jimin went back to Korea on July 17.

I wonder if the plan was to create hour long episodes or if there was so much they wanted to show the episodes just ended up being that long. They could have easily hidden Jimin's stomach issues from us. They could have edited a lot of it down. But in making the episodes this long, they showed more and more of their dynamic in play.

I didn't put everything into this post that I wanted to but we've got six more episodes coming and I still haven't had time to watch Run Jin.

Hashtags arent working... I'll add them later.

[softspeirs]

A/N: John Egan/OC. Listen, I simply couldn’t resist. I know OC’s are abounding right now, but I’ve had this in my head for a few days and needed to get it out. For now she shall remain nameless, but we’ll see if I want to flesh this out. Fair warning: this is real angsty. Sorry, I was in a mood! Somewhere around ep 4-5? No spoilers.

one - (quiet skies, don't get attached)

“Has he reached his limit yet?” A slim hand reaches in front of her, grabbing a pint off the bartop.

She meets Major Cleven’s eyes briefly before he tilts his head in Major Egan’s direction, indicating who he's asking about. As if he'd be worried about anyone else this much.

“Two more with his name on it,” she says, biting back her smile.

“Don’t see how that’s possible.” He mutters, rolling his eyes as Bucky’s loud voice carries over from where he sits, regaling fellow pilots and locals alike with stories from his latest mission.

She shrugs, settling a rag over her shoulder. “I’m not a babysitter. I just make the drinks.”

He nods, waving his hand. “I know. Thank you.”

She sees the worry and frustration that he's not voicing. "No thanks necessary." She says quietly. She watches him go and join his friends, and frowns as she watches Egan stumble over a chair, Cleven barely managing to grab his elbow before he goes toppling to the floor.

It's getting worse. But-- she can't even blame him. She hears bits and pieces, the guys regaling each other with their war stories, but lately it's been quieter, less storytelling and more drowning regrets and sorrows over lukewarm beer.

Major Egan has been in town longer than all of them, and she wonders if anyone else is picking up on the hints he's been dropping every time he speaks to anyone.

I don't even feel anything.

It's not until days later when she hears that he's on leave that she finally releases a breath she's been holding.

The pub is quiet that day. No roaring of planes overhead, no rowdy airmen taking up all her tables and running her ragged with requests. No laughter, but no fighting either.

Her father comes in later, solemn expression, and slaps a newspaper down on the bar. She feels her stomach sinking as she reads. "They lost so many." She whispers.

"Gave the Germans a whipping, though."

It's not enough.

It's late that night when Major Egan shows up. She's not even really surprised to see him, all things considering. She is surprised to see him here - she would have thought he'd have gone MIA with a ship and gone to avenge his friends on his own.

He sits at the bar and flashes her a smile. She's already shaking her head before he can even open his mouth.

"Major... it's not a good idea."

He looks affronted. "What isn't? Just here for a drink, that's all. Haven't you heard? I'm still on leave."

"If you were on leave you'd still be in London."

There's a quick moment where he sets his jaw, sighing. He's frustrated, and she knows he has a quick temper. She just hopes that he hears her out.

"You can't drown your sorrows." She slides the newspaper into view. "Not right now."

He meets her eyes again. There's a moment of clarity that passes between them - she knows exactly why he's back early, and he knows she understands what the stakes are.

"You shouldn't get attached." He says, rising from his seat. Halfway to the door, he looks over his shoulder. "To any of us." His smirk is small, bitter. "Here today, gone tomorrow."

"Major Egan--"

The door is swinging shut behind him before she can tell him it's no use; she already is attached. And she feels it each time a crew comes through the doors and they're one man short. She feels it even though she never learns half their names.

It never gets easier, for the men who do the flying, or for the people who wait for them to come back.

[becauseimanicequeen]

A couple of days ago, I decided to start reading Professional Body Double, which My Stand-In is based on. My aim was/is to read the chapters for each episode that's released (because I still don't want spoilers).

Other stuff got in the way, though, but I finished reading ch 20 last night (which is just around the end of the 2nd episode since the series seems to include 10 ch in each ep so far).

Anyway, I only have one comment at this point...

Seeing how annoying Lan Xi Rong (the character Sol is based on) is in the novel and how shitty he treated Zhou Xiang (Joe) in the past (I won't spoil it for those who haven't read it), I'm wondering why they "sanitized" him a bit in the series (at least thus far).

Maybe it would've been too much to have yet another annoying/assholish character in the series? Or perhaps they just omitted that piece of backstory because it won't matter to the story MSI wants to tell?

With that said, though, I do still feel like Lan Xi Rong's general vibe is translated well into Sol because I've felt iffy about Sol since the start, ever since he implied that he came back to Thailand because he craved the safety of Joe (compared to everyone else who approached Sol to take advantage of him). He also shows up around Joe all the time (dare I say he's feeling a bit stalker-ish?) so there is an annoying side to Sol as well.

I know they're not completely the same character (since adaptations are only adaptations, even though MSI is quite true to PBD as far as I've watched and read) so Sol might not end up being as annoying and shitty as Lan Xi Rong is (at least as far as I've come in the novel at the moment). But I'm still glad my intuition works on fictional characters as well (lol).

Anyway... I'm hoping to read the remaining chapters (up until where the 4th episode of MSI ended) before the 5th episode is released tomorrow. And then I'll read the novel in tandem with what happens in the episodes (unless I start to see bigger changes in MSI compared to the source material and put a pause on the novel to avoid spoilers/enjoy the series as is).

[beomgyuslilracha]

you don't go to parties ☆.* 4

⊹ pairing: choi yeonjun x f! reader

⊹ genre: exes to ... complicated

⊹ warnings: none?

⊹ wc: 4k

summary: back in your college days, you were living at the prime of your life alongside your boyfriend, yeonjun. you couldn't remember most of it, though, considering it was a blur consisting of mostly parties and many drunken nights. eventually, you reached your limit, and you and yeonjun no longer saw eye-to-eye. after many fights and endless tears, you disappeared for good and left that life and your boyfriend behind. but, five years later, yeonjun was still waiting for you at every party.

when the following day came and went with nothing to show for it, you presumed it safe to assume that the secret admirer fiasco was nothing but a complete misunderstanding.

not that you were even remotely surprised. with no card attached or even a clue as to who the silver-haired mystery person was, it only made sense that it all ended up being one big mistake.

that wasn't to say that it wasn't a little disheartening anyway when the next day came along with no delivery at reception.

or the next day.

or the next...

your gaze from the computer monitor traveled over to land on the floral arrangement, which now resided beautifully in a vase atop of your desk. a small sigh escaped your lips as you caressed one of the blooming petals, feeling slightly ridiculous for partially hoping to be surprised with another gift again.

not that it was through any fault of your own! you couldn't remember the last time anyone had gone out of their way to cutely buy you any gifts, so you couldn't help being a little greedy for another.

"do you want me to get you something, y/nie?" kai had asked you that afternoon, having spotted you staring longingly at the reception desk as you walked by — secretly hoping for miss mina to call for you. "i can get you more flowers!"

your frown had quickly perked into an appreciative smile as you looked back over at your adorable friend. "that's so sweet, but you don't need to do that, kai," you assured him, though you felt your heart flip a little at the thought.

"you're right, i should've just done it without telling you." kai's brows furrowed together as if he were truly upset with himself.

this made you laugh as you two entered the elevators, and it was the most beautiful sound kai had ever heard. he loved it even more knowing that he was the reason behind the melody, and he would give anything to do it again and again.

as he silently pondered over what kind of gift he wanted to surprise you with, you made sure to pull out your phone and remind beomgyu to meet you both in their usual practice room.

you and kai had just returned from the KBS broadcasting hall, where kai would be special hosting on music bank this week and beomgyu would be there to determine his place on the k-charts for his most recent EP release.

with work ahead of the three of you for the remainder of the day, you were able to distract your mind from being disappointed about the nonexistence of your 'secret admirer'. even though you pretended you weren't bothered by it, it would still silently sit at the back of your mind as a small 'what if' every time you walked through the lobby.

it was for the better, of course - allowing you to finally focus on more important things and forget all about it.

and you almost did!

up until the next day, when you were strolling into the office to visit kai for a last minute fitting for music bank tomorrow, that your attention was suddenly called for in the lobby.

"miss y/nnn~" mina's sing-song voice called for you from behind reception, her pursed lips finding it difficult to suppress the grin desperately trying to break through.

"yess?" you monotonously mimicked her singing, a little wary of her good mood as you strolled over to the front desk.

it took her no less than a second to reveal a heart-shaped box of chocolates from behind her back. "look who came to deliver another gift for you!" she announced giddily, handing over the sweets into your hesitant hands.

you were more than ready to deny the gift, assuming it to be a mistake yet again, but that's when you noticed the cursive font of your name printed atop of the attached card.

A CARD??

you could feel the pounding of your heart in your eardrums as you stared down at it.

"did- did you happen to recognize who it was that dropped it off?" you found yourself asking, having to pull your eyes away from the card that was practically screaming your name.

"no, i'm sorry, honey," mina apologized. "he was wearing a hat and a mask, but i'm pretty sure it was the same gentleman from last time."

with a slow nod, you smiled politely and quickly bid mina a goodbye, making your way to the elevators in order to read the note without having to react publicly.

what if he left a name?

or maybe a clue to who they were??

before the elevator doors could close, another staff member had raced inside to join you on the way, thus preventing you from being able to read the card in private.

although, it did give you a chance to calm down and think rationally to keep you from getting your hopes up. as you watched the numbered floors slowly increase, you were reminded of the day before when kai had briefly mentioned about getting you a gift himself.

you figured it made far more sense for the gift in your hands to be from kai, considering it conveniently arrived the immediate day after he had suggested such an idea. in which case, you found no harm in peeking at the card's contents with that thought in mind.

with one deep breath, you flipped open the card ... only for your heart to drop in disappointment.

whatever it said before, it was entirely illegible underneath the frustrated scribbles. you couldn't even make out a single character to read anything, leaving only a tiny heart by itself in the only corner that the scribbled mess hadn't reached.

would kai really have written this?

no, of course he wouldn't. you knew kai, and he would have written something adorably cute to make you smile. there was nothing he could possibly say that would permit him to scribble it out so harshly.

was it ... was it really a secret admirer?

you were chewing harshly on your bottom lip as you first rushed to the floor of your office, wanting to drop off the cryptic gift before heading to the fitting rooms.

once you arrived, you were almost instantaneously greeted by the brightest smile and a cheerful exclamation of your arrival.

"y/n!! you're here!"

you blew kai a quick kiss as your own form of greeting, earning a deep red flush that covered the entirety of his face. not wanting to disturb any of the stylists hard at work, you stood off to the side and patiently waited for a spare moment to talk to him.

although you were more than confident that kai was not the culprit behind the gift, it still didn't hurt for you to ask anyway to be entirely sure. maybe he had written something embarrassing and gave it second thoughts?

"hey, huening, quick question," you came up to his side the second he was dressed back in his normal clothing.

"sure, what's up?"

you began to fidget nervously with your fingers, suddenly embarrassed at the idea of having to ask him. "did you- did you happen to get me a gift today?"

your face was growing drastically warmer.

kai's smile seemed to fall slightly. "oh, no, i'm sorry. did you really want me to? i can go get you something now! it's not a problem at all, i can get you the prettiest-"

"no! no, no, kai, it's fine!" you were quick to stop him, your embarrassment having doubled by this point. "i was just asking 'cause i got one today and the message was ... well, it was weird."

kai tilted his head curiously, though his brows furrowed in confusion. "it was weird, so you thought it was from me?"

"no, that's not what i meant!" you shook your head. you were beginning to wish you had thought this conversation through before initiating it. "i just remembered you saying something yesterday about it, so i thought it was from you."

by that point, you figured it was best to show him for yourself - so once he was cleared for the day, you both headed out together to your office.

surprisingly, beomgyu was already waiting for you both inside - standing by the window and adjusting the note in every angle of the light to try and decipher something from it.

"wow, you really can't read a word this says," he commented suddenly, as if continuing the conversation that you had been having from the start.

not even questioning his presence, nor the reason why he snooped through your things to begin with, you sighed and agreed.

kai had attempted to examine the chocolate box itself, wondering if there were any hidden notes inside that you might have missed. of course, seeing as he had snuck a few pieces to eat for himself, you wondered if that was his real intention.

"miss mina didn't tell you if she recognized the person at all?" beomgyu questioned, now trailing back over and tossing the scribbled note onto the table before reaching for a chocolate as well.

you shook your head, resting your chin atop of your hand as you released another sigh. "no, she said that he covered everything this time."

"well, if nothing else, we at least know that he doesn't work here," kai shrugged, though it didn't exactly make the situation any better.

instead of responding sarcastically, as you had originally wanted to, you instead opted for sending a half-hearted smile in the sweet boy's direction. you knew he was merely trying to find a positive light to the situation, but it only made it worse to imagine the ocean of suspects out there.

you didn't like having to wait around for whoever this admirer was to gain the courage to approach you. you just wished you could thank them personally for their sweet gestures.

"well, in other news, do you want to see the dance practice for my performance on music bank?" beomgyu asked you, pulling out his phone in hopes of changing the subject in order to lift your spirits again.

luckily for him, he chose the best topic.

your head perked up eagerly from your resting position, an excited smile now happily replacing the defeated pout from before. "you recorded it?"

"yeah! you didn't get to make it last time, so i wanted to be able to show you."

the second beomgyu managed to achieve a smile on your face, the dilemma from before almost instantaneously got pushed to the back of your mind.

after watching and praising beomgyu's practice video, kai then begged for you to help him practice his mc lines for tomorrow - which ended up being a lot more messing around than any actual rehearsal.

thanks to your two friends, you were able to forget all about the discarded note.

at least, up until kai had tried to throw it away with the empty chocolate box on the way home.

"you actually want to keep it?" he questioned you, genuinely confused on why you'd want to keep a bunch of meaningless scribbles.

you shrugged, truly unsure as to why you'd want to keep it for yourself. you stared down at the lone heart in the corner, bringing a tiny smile to your lips.

if nothing else, you still found it endearing.

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

"do you know how hard i worked on that?!"

yeonjun was pacing back and forth in his studio, scolding his younger friend after he had returned and admitted what he had done to the note that yeonjun claimed to work so hard on.

"i don't think copying song lyrics counts as hard work," taehyun scoffed, rolling his eyes. "and it wasn't even your song, it was mine!"

yeonjun crossed his arms and huffed, his eyes averting away from his friend to stare down at the notebook filled with other discarded lyrics from taehyun's songs. "you should be flattered i even liked your music to begin with."

taehyun shook his head, annoyed.

he ultimately came to regret ever befriending yeonjun all those years ago in the first place. lately, it seemed that any time he came over to visit the idiot, he was then somehow dragged into following along with his ridiculous behavior.

this time around, taehyun ended up succumbing into his own pity for his pathetic friend and now found himself becoming yeonjun's personal delivery boy.

"if you were going to copy my lyrics, then at least choose a line that makes sense next time," taehyun told him, his expression now bored.

yeonjun appeared baffled, genuinely taken aback by taehyun's words. "what part of 'just put your heart in my hands, i promise it won't get broken' doesn't make sense?!"

"i don't know, try .. all of it." taehyun was a minute away from pulling his hair out. "for one, you already did break her heart. and for two, this is supposed to be an apology, not a high school confession."

"why can't it be both?"

taehyun could only curse at himself in his own head, wondering why he still continued to entertain yeonjun this much.

"other than the fact that you're in your mid-twenties?" taehyun asked rhetorically, smirking mischievously from taking a jab at yeonjun's age. "because you still have yet to actually say the words 'i'm sorry' to her."

yeonjun opened his mouth to retort, but one glare from taehyun warned him not to.

man, he hated when he was right.

yeonjun defeatedly threw himself down into his studio chair, spinning around in slow circles as he pondered over what to do next. if there was one thing he did know, it was that you deserved more than just a tiny note with a half-assed apology written inside to fill the small space.

the only problem was, yeonjun had absolutely no clue as to how he would ever get the chance to see you again.

the one golden opportunity he had, where you were practically served on a silver platter right in his very home, he absolutely blew it. instead of listening to the tiny voice of reason in his head, he chose to be his arrogant self instead and ruin his chance with you for the second time.

taehyun sighed, once again unable to watch from the side as yeonjun wallowed in his own despair. as much as he liked to act like everything he did annoyed him to no end, he still hated to see yeonjun in such a sorry state.

he couldn't believe he actually missed his obnoxious personality from before.

"alright, clearly you can't think of anything for yourself," taehyun sighed, rubbing his hands across his face in frustration. for as long as he remained friends with yeonjun, he was never going to learn his lesson. "so this time, i'll help you think of something."

at this, yeonjun's mood seemed to perk up. he couldn't be sure if it was from the offer itself or simply knowing he wouldn't have to struggle thinking for himself anymore.

seeing as he now had yeonjun sat and silently waiting, taehyun figured now would be a better time than any to admit an idea that had occurred to him earlier in the day.

"you have music bank tomorrow, right?"

yeonjun nodded, though he didn't appear at all excited at the thought. it would be the last week of his two-week promotion period for his latest EP, so he was already exhausted to no end and couldn't wait for it to be over.

"do you know anything about who's going to be there?" taehyun questioned, hoping to slowly lead yeonjun along to realize the rest for himself.

"does it look like i care about who's going to be there?" yeonjun deadpanned, eyes rolling in annoyance.

deep breaths, taehyun, deep breaths.

trying to calm himself down enough to keep from smacking the idiot, taehyun continued. "you will when you find out that a certain two people that a certain someone is friends with are going to be there."

thankfully, it took only a matter of seconds for yeonjun to piece the words together. his bored eyes suddenly widened, and his heart started pounding a little too hard against his ribcage.

you were going to be there?!

"shit, what should i do?" yeonjun suddenly started to panic, standing up from his chair to continue his earlier pacing across the small room. "do i go up to her? do i- do i ask her to meet me?"

he looked over at taehyun expectantly, waiting for him to begin spewing his usual words of wisdom any minute now.

"i'm not going to hold your hand; you can figure out the rest yourself," taehyun smirked, standing up from where he was sat. "but keep in mind that she's probably going to have one or two bodyguards with her at all times."

seeing yeonjun's eyes almost bulge out of his head, taehyun figured the least he could do was clarify one or two friends, rather than actual bodyguards.

then before he knew it, yeonjun was left alone in the studio room. the silence was deafeningly loud, and even his thoughts appeared to have gone entirely blank.

what the hell was he supposed to do now?!

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

later that evening, as per usual, both you and kai were to be found lounging around in your apartment once again. this time, kai insisted on referring to it as a celebratory sleepover for his special mc position the following day.

in reality, he merely just wanted any excuse to spend an evening alone with you - otherwise he would've suggested inviting beomgyu over for the same reason.

overall, it was a very cozy and domestic night. you had ordered a large pizza for you both to share and even started a series to binge watch together on netflix.

although, much to your own surprise, you both somehow ended up settled beside each other in your bedroom – doing your own things, of course.

kai was playing animal crossing on your nintendo switch while you did last minute work on your laptop.

every time that kai had come over before, the two of you would normally reside in the living room for the entirety of the night. glancing over at him now, you suddenly couldn't remember how it came to be that the boy was now laying comfortably beside you under the covers.

"look, y/nie! look who our new islander is!" kai interrupted your thoughts, turning the switch screen over to reveal the adorable character for you.

"you got dom!!" you cheered excitedly, leaning forward to see just how precious the little sheep was up close.

kai's smile widened, though a bit shyly as a small blush crept up to his cheeks at your sudden proximity.

when you first bought the game, you had told kai that your main goal was to obtain dom for your island. after about two months of playing, you gave up on your search and put the game to rest.

in which case, kai created his own profile to move into your island and pick up where you left off. now here he was, almost a year later, with your dream character moved in right next door to your home.

"you're the best, i can't believe you found him!" you pouted happily, admiring the adorable garden home that dom belonged to.

meanwhile, kai's gaze was more focused on you. he just found you so cute, and it made him all the more giddy to know that he was able to put that smile on your face. every bit of effort he put into the game was now worth it to make you happy.

"here, you should see how i decorated the island too," kai quickly suggested before you could hand the game back, scooting ever closer to you in the bed.

his head was leaned over your shoulder as he guided you around the island, pointing out cute little things that he had decorated for you — most especially the small garden with a heart pond right in the middle.

as you cooed and awwed at everything he made, along with visiting all the islanders you didn't recognize, kai had subtly rested his head against yours. for some reason, the simple action had his heart racing and he was very unsure as to why.

it wasn't like the two of you haven't been close before?

after you had seen everything there was on your shared island, you suddenly let out a much louder yawn than you had originally expected. it was so strong that even kai found himself reciprocating a second after.

"we should get some sleep," you told him, rubbing at your now tired eyes. "i can set up the mat for you if-"

"actually," kai stopped you, his hand reaching out to lightly grasp your wrist and prevent you from standing up. "is it okay if we just ... stay here?"

you blinked. "stay ... here?" you pointed down at the bed, wondering if you were truly understanding him correctly.

unknowingly to the other, both your hearts suddenly began to pick up speed at a similar pace.

kai nodded. "i don't want to sleep alone on the floor," he pouted now, his eyes resembling that of a puppy.

how could you possibly say no?

your stunned expression quickly shifted into a playful smile. "okay, but i better not find out you kick in your sleep."

"no, of course not! i'm more of a slapper," kai joked, making you giggle that beautiful melody that he adored.

after you both washed up and settled back in to your designated sides of the bed, you bid each other a cute goodnight and sweet dreams before shutting off the bedside lamps.

unfortunately, it was not as easy to fall asleep as you had hoped.

with the foreign presence laying just a mere foot away from you, you couldn't help but be all too aware of every breath and rustle of movement.

you weren't uncomfortable, no, you just found it ... weird.

the last person you ever shared a bed with was yeonjun, and, even after five years, it never occurred to you that there would be anyone else.

if it weren't for the fact that you knew kai was trying to sleep beside you, you probably would've groaned out loud in frustration for allowing yourself to think of yeonjun again. you hated every time he crossed your mind because you would then find yourself helplessly reminiscing over the past.

even now, as you pictured the way his arms used to wrap around you so perfectly, you had to press your hands against your face in order to suppress your thoughts. tossing over to your side, away from kai, you squeezed your eyes shut and prayed to think of absolutely anything else to fall asleep.

meanwhile, kai was too caught up in his own thoughts to sense your exasperation. he was more focused on wondering why his heart was pounding as erratically as it was this late at night.

he couldn't be sure as to when exactly it started, but he did notice it occurred much more frequently as of recently.

as he was rested on his back, kai tilted his head over slightly to see the faint outline of your figure laying beside him.

did his heart rate pick up just now?

but why? why would it do that?

kai couldn't have been more confused. the two of you have been friends for three years now, so why does it feel different all of a sudden?

a heavy exhale escaped his lips without him meaning to, and he quickly glanced over to see if it disturbed you at all. when you didn't move or make a sound, kai realized that he should follow your lead and focus on trying to sleep before he drove himself crazy.

it was his suggestion to sleep here in the first place, so he couldn't understand why he was suddenly feeling so nervous about it after the fact.

you were so calm and unbothered, yet here he lay completely restless and his mind overthinking.

you two were friends - you were close - so this was more than okay. in fact, it was normal.

so then why did he want to be closer?

previous | masterlist | next

a/n:

okay LISTEN- i know it's very hyuka x y/n focused, but i SWEAR i have a plan in mind and i'm NOT just succumbing to the bias wrecking brainrot... and even if i was, can you blame me?

anywayyyyyy pls pls pls pls let me know if you enjoyed this part ?? it took me over a week to write out the first draft, and then i scrapped everything .... so i hope this second draft does well <;/3

~

series taglist:

@cookiehaos @hafsa-hoofsa-heefs @junzwrld @gyuuluvrs @goldennika @nobodyshallenter @lubtou @soobsfairy444 @2ynjns @cherriruto @baekberrie @youraggedybitch @eundiarys @jwicore @bokk-minnie @cha-raena @sparkswhoz @wo-ai-ni-yong @strvlveera @ghostfacefricker6969 @blondsoobinenthusiast @whippedforbeomgyu @l0stindigo @angelbythewindow @hkplushier @aloverga @ineedsomezzz @themiddlefingerinthesky @idkhoomanmaybe

permanent taglist:

@human-misery @dongmeiii @softcabur @marekmybeloved @aishidaishi @taekwondoes @wccycc @jjhmk @mjlasagna @eclecticeggknightpsychic @yjusei @beachbabe4ever

both taglists open !!

[timotey]

Ficlet: Sleeping Beauty

The Sign. Phaya/Tharn. AU? Missing scene from ep 10? Unbeta'd.

Tharn never wakes up when Phaya is attacked in his dreams. How odd.

(Just something that made me pause and go all, "Hm..." Ergo, a ficlet!)

*.*.*

He finds out about the pills completely by accident.

They’re set to depart for Nongkai in the morning but Phaya vetoes the suggestion that he should go home and pack - that they should sleep in separate places! No way, not gonna happen, never! One bed and with Tharn safely tucked in his arms, that's how it's going to be. Packing can wait for tomorrow, he will just throw some things into his bag when they stop at Phaya’s house to pick up his grandmother and his sister.

So, that’s how it happens. He walks out of the bathroom, rubbing his hair dry with a towel, when he sees Tharn pull a pill bottle out of the bedside table, shake out one and swallow it with a sip of water.

“What’s that?” he asks, running his fingers through his hair. He isn’t really digging for information, just being nosy for nosiness’ sake.

Tharn sets the bottle down on the bedside table, pulling the bed covers aside. “Something the Doc gave me,” he says and when he sees Phaya's face, he rolls his eyes. “It’s just a mild sedative, is all. He noticed I wasn't sleeping well after the camp. It’s not the first time.”

Phaya feels a shiver run down his spine. “Chalothon... gave you sleeping pills?” he asks carefully, a dark suspicion gnawing at his insides.

Nodding, Tharn slips into the bed. “Yeah. Like I said, not the first time. And they really help. I’ve been sleeping much better these days.”

Phaya grips the towel in his hands so hard his knuckles turn white. “I… see,” he says.

Tharn’s always been there to save him - unless Phaya was attacked in his dreams, at night, while Tharn was deeply asleep and so unable to perceive any premonitions. 

This can’t be a coincidence. There are no coincidences when that fucking lizard is involved.

Phaya doesn’t say anything, though. He just steals two pills from the bottle. Better safe than sorry.

***

Early in the morning, on their way to Phaya’s house, Phaya stops at the headquarters. He tells Tharn he needs to sign some paperwork before he can leave and that he will be back in a sec, no need to come with. He hates lying to Tharn but, well.

“Can you analyze this for me?” he asks Mayris, dropping the little bag containing the two pills on her desk in the lab.

She looks down at the bag and pokes at it with her pen. “What is it and why should I?”

Phaya sighs. “I can’t tell you and because I’m asking you. Please, Mayris. It’s really important.”

There must be something in his face or in his voice because she narrows her eyes and says, “Alright. But you will owe me one.”

He sighs in relief. “Anything.” 

For Tharn, anything.

***

Tharn’s in their bedroom at his grandmother’s house, waiting for Yai to call back, when Phaya calls Mayris from their bathroom. He hates this sneaking around behind his lover’s back but there’s no way he could explain all this without telling Tharn about Chalothon being the Naga that’s threatening their lives.

“Are you planning to tranquilize an elephant?” is the first thing that Mayris says without even waiting for a greeting. 

Phaya blinks. “What?”

“The pills you gave me,” she points out. “What do you think they are?”

Phaya's heart skips a beat. “I was told it was a mild sedative.”

Mayris snorts into her phone. “Mild sedative, my cute ass! This will put you under so hard a bomb could go off in your ear and you wouldn't even stir.”

“Shit,” Phaya hisses and closes his eyes. He was right. He wishes he wasn’t.

“Will you now tell me what’s going on?” Mayris asks.

Sighing, Phaya says, “It's better if you don't know.”

“That might be. I still do want to know. I'm nosy like that,” she says, leaving no room for debate.

Phaya rubs his forehead. This might be a bad idea but he needs to tell someone. He needs someone to know the truth about Chalothon, beside the abbot, that is. Just in case. He makes a decision.

“Those pills, Tharn’s psychiatrist, Chalothon, gave them to Tharn.”

There’s a pause. “The guy who helped us with Art’s case?” she asks slowly.

“Yeah.”

“Well, shit,” she says succinctly.

“Yeah.”

There’s a long pause, then Mayris says, “Look, I’m no doctor but I know my chemistry. Maybe Tharn really does need those pills but I can’t honestly imagine anyone but a literal walking zombie to need medication that strong. You need to get in touch with some other doctor and get him off that shit as soon as possible. Such strong meds can wreak real havoc with your body.”

“Agreed,” Phaya says, adding yet another item to his constantly growing list of Tharn related worries, most of them courtesy of one evil bastard.

“Just… don’t throw them simply out, the pills, I mean, if that crossed your mind,” Mayris warns. “You can’t go cold turkey from pills that strong. He will have to be weaned off gradually and under medical supervision.”

Phaya sighs again, feeling an even heavier weight settle on his shoulders. “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks, Mayris, I really appreciate it.”

There’s a pause. “You really like the guy, huh?” she asks and her voice is oddly soft. Phaya isn’t used to her being… like that. It weirds him out a little.

Still, he replies just as softly, “Yeah. Yeah, I do. A lot.”

“Good,” Mayris says, once again all brusqueness. “Then go and do something about the thing. Rip his doctor a new one, if you have to.” Then she hangs up.

Phaya stands there, in the bathroom, staring at his reflection in the fogged over mirror. Well, he was right. The fucking snake’s been drugging Tharn for months now. But what should he do about it? 

If he tells Tharn the truth about the pills, he will have to tell him the truth about Chalothon, too. And the abbot warned him not to do that. And seeing just how confrontational Tharn was with Captain Akk, a man they’ve known for mere months, Phaya can’t even imagine how Tharn would react to Chalothon’s betrayal. The guy - the Naga! - has been taking care of Tharn since Tharn was a teen…

Phaya leans against the sink, squeezing the rim so hard his knuckles turn white, and hangs his head. He feels guilty, so fucking guilty, but he has no real choice here. He will have to keep it to himself. For now. And just… watch out for Tharn even more carefully. The 15th night of the 11th moon is at hand. In a few days, it’s all going to be over and then, then they will deal with this, too. He will make sure that Tharn gets off the damn meds safely. 

Taking a deep breath, Phaya straightens up, squaring his shoulders. Throwing one last look at himself in the mirror - what are you staring at? - he grabs his towel and leaves the bathroom. 

Tharn’s still sitting at the desk, waiting for Yai’s call…

[gerandor]

Yes yes it's only two episodes so far. Tomorrow we will have another one but any thoughts on Nandor's possible arc this season? The babygirl is finally happy but there is something more there?

Ok so its a well-known fact that nandor's gonna have a jealousy arc this season (or at least that's what the reviews were saying --which were for the first 4 episodes only -- and we got a glimpse of sth in the promo for ep 3.)

And yes!! Nandor seems to be happy so far and he even said 'i'm in a good place' (which kinda echoed what Guillermo had said in s4 when he was talking about freddie? Hmm). And we also got that line from kayvan saying 'Guillermo makes nandor happy -' BUT. He added that but now he's making him sad.

Which made me think of Gail. Remember Nandor's reaction to gail basically cheating on him with that werewolf dude? He looked heartbroken and sad and miserable. During s3 i said sth about how nandor doesn't get jealous in the traditional sense, you know, getting angry, getting possessive and idk, vengeful? probably bc he thinks he deserves to be treated like that. Like, he doesn't deserve to be loved so he just gets immensely sad over it. (I just remembered that the whole gail thing was also Guillermo's jealousy arc, and how his jealousy was more of the traditional sense. Oh boy)

But with Guillermo. Idk if what he feels for Guillermo can be compared to what he felt for gail (as a side note, i read someone say nandor will never be romantic with Guillermo bc the guy doesn't know how. Which is not true?? Remember gail? Hell, even jan? He was also kinda romantic with marwa in the beginning even tho he didn't actually love her. Also Harvey said Nandor's lovely when he's in love which is so true. And how can you think the whole bedtime stories and exchange of gifs and movie watching on rainy nights aren't ramantic? Anyway) so yeah. I think what he feels for Guillermo is way more intense and life-altering than what he felt for any other character we know of. So maybe his jealousy this time will take a new form? But im also betting he's gonna be super sad and heartbroken about it. Even if he tries to hide it under other emotions. Nandor will always think 'i don't think i deserve to be loved.'🥺

[feuqueerfire]

Wandee Goodday Ep 6 Live Blogging

After failing terribly to keep up with 23.5 weekly, I'm happy that I'm catching the first episode that I'm watching as it airs on the day that it airs rather than 4 weeks down the line. I had to wait for 4 days since I finished ep 5 and it wasn't too bad of a wait but I'm also not disengaged. I think it helps that Oh No! Here Comes Trouble, the show I'm binging right now, is good but I can put it down for long enough to catch an episode of a different show without just wishing to watch Trouble instead.

Ep 6 (June 8)

6-1

domestic morning, as it tends to be with them

Yak sharing a past weakness with Dee. Also comes back to the fact that Yak hates to lose since he said he remembered his first boxing match loss for a long time

A bet? Among a pair who likes to win (Dee) vs hates to lose (Yak)? My bet would be that Dee will miss him more but since he's aware that he maybe likes Yak, he'll hold off on showing it whereas Yak will end up breaking first because he may not even realize just how much he's emotionally involved

So how are they supposed to figure out who misses the other more since they're calling and talking all the time

aw, Dee is alone at home and missing Yak and reminiscing about some conversations and wants to talk to Yak more

boxing elephant pants plug

toothpaste on mirror thing, pls you haven't seen Yak in like 3 days, you'll be fine!!

oh 3 days fr

at least Yak is also semi-aware that he kinda likes both Dee and Taem and even discusses it a bit with Yei

when Yak looked up from his phone and stared into the distance, I got afraid that Dee was gonna randomly open the doors lol

girl?! lmfao he showed up fr

I did think Dee was gonna lose his mind missing Yak but I wasn't actually expecting him to go meet him or to show it.

6-2

Dee drove 2 hours and is planning on driving back 2 hours because he has an early morning tomorrow? my guy

Great/Yak really just looks so Nong in this outfit and this night with both Yei and Dee, cutee

a chin kiss is so funny sorry

Ter constantly speaking over Dee again, aghhhhhh >:(

How often do we get to cheer for 2 beds rather than 1?

pushed the flights back by two days?! bro, Ter's audacity knows no bounds

let's kill this guy

6-3

non-binary genders mentioned

the kiss attack when Yak drags Dee out to the staircase is so cute

Kao don't tell Dee to get back to Ter!

all this discussion at the hospital, I'm always worried that Ter or one of the gossipy nurses are gonna overhear

spoke to soon. Ter watching Dee watch Yak

Taem being in the hospital makes everything chaotic because YakDee are supposed to pretend they're boyfriends while they're here but Taem should think Yak's still single and likes her. hard to juggle such contradictions

Cher's naughty hand hehe

is Cher insinuating they had (video) call sex? how fun

I wish they wouldn't do the 2 pairs' makeout scenes spliced together like this lol feels awkward

6-4

Yakdee on a double date with YeiCher ahh just confess guys

Second time Yak's helping Dee cross the road, I wonder when they'll get into his trauma with the road crossing and his parents' deaths

ah, debt collectors

Dee being part of the family being brought up twice in like 2 minutes

YeiCher are literally sooooo cute, I'm afraid of the debt collectors and how that'll affect their relationship

had to pause at the "If you hadn't passed by when I was assaulted" because what?!

Though I guess the follow up makes sense that Cher then wants to learn how to defend himself and so became a customer

You like him, Dee!

Very short episode, less than 45 minutes long including credits and the preview. Also feels like not much actually happened and there wasn't much progress emotionally or plot-wise beyond Ter making a move again, Dee kind of seriously considering how he feels about Yak, and we the audience see the debt collectors but Cher doesn't.

I knew Ter was gonna pull some shit but I was still so mad seeing him speak over Dee again! and then delaying their flights without discussion with Dee? let's just kill him wtf

I'm keen to see YakDee kiss or realize feelings or confess or anything and for Cher to discover all the debt Yei's in and have a discussion or falling out or whatever's coming. I want some progress on at least one of these fronts next episode.

[bassettmemes]

BIG DUMB HEART, CHAPTER TWO ↳ a collection of lyrics from jenna raine's big dumb heart, chapter two ep, as well as the singles fumbled the bag and see you later (ten years).

IT IS WHAT IT IS.

"Shrunk all my clothes in the washing machine."

"Running on two or three hours of sleep."

"There's a light flashing in my car, I don't know what it means."

"Ya know what I mean?."

"Thought I knew chaos then I turned eighteen."

"Lemons make lemonade. Flowers bloom in the rain. Growing up is a pain. It is what it is."

"It's not the end of the world; there's always light where it burns."

"It's kinda weird, kinda fun, I'm a speck on a rock."

"You can laugh, you can dance with your stomach in knots."

"You can trip, you can slip, you can fall down again, again, again and again, and it all works out in the end."

CRUISE CONTROL.

"Play the role, do what I'm told and keep it quiet, a never ending picket fence to live and die in."

"It's never made sense to me, I don't want the same routine that's on repeat, don't want it easy."

"Deep inside I just want to get up and leave."

"Even my bedroom ceiling is getting a little bored, and I got no reason to stay here anymore."

"High speed driving into the unknown. It's about time to take my hands off the wheel and just breathe in."

"What a feeling, taking off the cruise control."

"Trust the silence of the empty road. Right now, I don't need to see where I'm going."

"What's a life if you don't go and live it."

"Take a risk, it's better than a million what if's."

"I guess I've always had one foot out the door. There ain't one good reason to stay here anymore."

NIGHTS LIKE THESE.

"Called me out the blue, you needed something to do, and you had one more seat left in the trunk."

"You said, "We're waiting outside, don't look at the time"."

"I put on my favorite sweater, then we got breakfast for dinner."

"And, when they kicked us out we went for a ride, laughed 'til we cried."

"It feels like a movie."

"Everything freezes for a second."

"I let my memory take a picture I won't delete."

"I hate when it hits me that we're getting older every second, slipping away between our fingers in a blink."

"We go park the car somewhere we can see the stars and the light pollution isn't so bad, and look out at the lights."

"Tell me about your dreams, they're not as scary as they seem."

"I can't wait to watch you make it big. Yeah, you're going far."

"It feels like forever."

"I don't wanna jinx it if I say it, but we could be friends through all the ages, don't you think?"

"The same stupid kids with older faces. I guess either way I wouldn't change a single thing."

"And, when I'm 60, pulling a box out of the attic, telling my kids about the past like yesterday, they'll point at the pictures, and I'll hear the laughter in the diner. The smell of the coffee and the pancakes never fades."

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR.

"I knew it straight away, he was gonna let you down."

"Gonna have to find out for yourself."

"Had to let the flame burn out, hate to see you hurting now. I won't say I told you so."

"I'll hold you when he won't, even if it's 2 AM, and you said you wouldn't cry again."

"You can show up at my door and pour your heart out on my floor."

"Why are you not on your way? Just 10 minutes on the interstate. If you can't show up at my door, and pour your heart out on my floor, then what are friends for."

"We can order too much food, watch a movie in my room, tomorrow we'll be sleeping in, waking up at 2 PM, when he texts you back, I'll make sure you don't text back."

FUMBLED THE BAG.

"I saw you out with your friends, same old cologne on your skin."

"You said, "I miss you" and "how you been?". You know I'm no good at this."

"My stomach's doing front flips, I used to know you, it makes me sick."

"So don't call me overdramatic, pretending the story of us isn't tragic."

"What if the best thing that you had is somebody that you want back?"

"What if the moment you walked away, you wished you turned around?"

"What if you got it all wrong and I was the one all along?"

"Hate to say, "I told you so", but baby ain't it sad? You fumbled the bag."

"You said your sister's engaged, she found love, you can't say the same."

"Thought that would be us one day."

"Small talk is hard to maintain when my heart's in 2019, you stood close and I just looked away."

"Now you gotta watch me give the world to someone else."

"You're throwing matches on a flame, but you're the one who burned it out."

SEE YOU LATER (TEN YEARS).

"It's funny 'cause I've always dreamed of me and you now here we are, staring at the stars."

"You just broke my heart even though you promised you'd never do that from the start."

"I guess we can only make it so far, 'cause time wasn't in our favor. This isn't "goodbye", this is simply "see you later"."

"Let me know when it's time to come back."

"Maybe when your life is on track, and you don't have to hesitate, hopefully it isn't too late. Luckily for you I'm patient."

"I'm OK with you making me wait and, as long as you're near, I'll be here, even if it takes ten years."

"Can't fall in love, when I found the one, how am I supposed to move on, when you're never really too far gone?"

"The memories won't go away, I feel pain every time I hear your name, but I always think of you the same."

[chaosdisorganized]

I called my therapist and we talked about what happened last night and yesterday. He decided the best course of action was to have an extra session tomorrow and he picked out a time that not only fits me into his schedule but gives us more than an hour to discuss what we have to talk about. I feel relieved. I did tell him that some stuff he said was effecting some parts in ways he didn't realize. Our session yesterday was still very insightful and helped us learn a lot about our trauma and making sense of our memories and behaviors but it's all so very painful and maybe too much too soon. And because we've shared very little and have been very vague about our trauma sense starting with him, he probably didn't realize how impactful some of the stuff he was saying really was.

I was shaking the whole time I was on the phone with him. As always when I'm talking to him I had parts telling me what I can and cannot say, what information I can and cannot give to him. Nobody knows what happened and we'd like to keep it that way, but with the information we gave him he mightve figured it out and pieced it together on his own and that's what some of us fear. I know he wouldn't tell the parts were protecting from this truth, but the fear is still there, the fear that a certain part will find out something they most certainly should not. As well as the fear of it all being true, which after yesterday, some of us discovered it most definitely, probably is true and all the evidence we've collected, and memories pieced together, it's all starting to paint a picture, an ugly disgusting one at that. It's all starting to come together and make sense but I fucking hate it. I don't want it to be true so badly. Our capacity to split lots of alters has kept it scattered and repressed and any memories we do have didn't make any sense. After making these new discoveries of resurfaced memories and new evidence, it's starting to all make sense. Now it's undeniable for some of us, now it's set in stone, this really did happen, those eps weren't lying, all our fears, our behaviors, things we did and still do, it all is starting to make too much sense. It's too heavy. It hurts so fucking much. And after spending most of yesterday and the night with flashbacks and coming to terms with these facts I honestly just want it all to go away. I want to go back to how it was before. Not being able to make sense of my memories was a good thing. This is better left forgotten and for the parts that still don't remember I intend on keeping it that way. I'd much rather them figure it out on their own, it's not like they'd even believe me if I tell them.

Its been so incredibly hard. I still want to die. Idk what to do.

[coconutlove98]

The Adventures of Tomorrow X Together - Ep 1 (The Basement)

Txt is in the living room watching TV when suddenly a crashing sound is heard from the basement. Everyone turned around in shock and one of them spoke.

Beomgyu: What the frick was that?!

Yeonjun: I don't know but all I know is that I am not going down there to look.

Taehyun: Who would?

Everyone else: Yeah that's true

Hueningkai: Yeah, haha who would do that?

(Oh also, this is a reality show so yeah)

Hueningkai being interviewed: I'm gonna go down the basement. Okay, I know I shouldn't but I am really curious about the noise okay.

Later that night, Hueningkai went down to the basement to see what the noise was. Let's just hope that he is okay after doing something completely stupid.

… Dolphin Screams……….

Everyone else is awakened by the scream and they all run downstairs into the living room but they notice that their maknae is missing.

Soobin: Where’s Kai?!

Taehyun: He was just in our room an hour ago.

Beomgyu: Well he isn't here now isn't he?

Taehyun: Well I'm sorry I thought he was asleep.

Beomgyu: That kid plays GTA until the break of dawn. How could you think that he was sleeping?

Taehyun: I don't know okay! It's just-

Yeonjun: Guys stop fighting, we need to figure out where Hueningkai is and where that scream came from.

Everyone went silent and a few seconds later there was another scream.

Soobin: I think that came from the basement

Yeonjun: Well then what are we waiting for? Let's go

Everyone runs down to the basement to see what the noise and what they found was…well it's best if they just told you.

Soobin (interview mode): We went down the basement to see Hueningkai screaming because of a roach.

Yeonjun (interview mode): *sigh* And the roach isn't even real. It is made of rubber.

Beomgyu (interview mode): This boy woke me up from my beauty sleep because of a fake roach! Oh, he is gonna get it tomorrow.

Taehyun (interview mode): Talk about getting it tomorrow, he is gonna get it right now!

Soobin, Yeonjun, and Beomgyu are all watching Hueningkai getting his butt whooped by Taehyun.

Hueningkai: Ahhhh! I’m sorry x2 please stop hitting me!

Taehyun: Why in the world would you go down the basement at 2 in the morning?!?! You little idiot! I can’t believe you-

The other three

Beomgyu: Should we stop him?

Soobin:…nah. Just let him have a couple more hits.

Yeonjun: I knew Hueningkai was gonna get his butt whooped by Taehyun one day.

Soobin and Beomgyu: Mhm.

*That is the end of episode one. I hope you liked it and if any of you have any ideas feel free to tell me. Anyways bye ☺️*

[arziaisfrench]

▪︎ IPKKND Ep 126 : Stuck in the painful game he created

> Arnav starts a dangerous game to make Khushi confess first

"If she's not happy, then why is she getting married? Why she took such decision, which she'll regret later? If she's not happy, then why she got engaged?" Here his words are only targeted to Khushi. Not to him tho. Why?Because he knows he won't get married to Lavanaya.

"Who told her to accept? Anyone forced her to a man she doesn't love?" See, he already understoods she wasn't getting married out of love. He's angry because she refuses to take action and confess to him ! "You would rather marry a man you don't love that confess your feelings to me ?! Why ? How dare you ?!"

Arnav tries to read Khushi's worry. "In what way is she forced? Is it something she can't free herself alone ?"

But then, he heard her fiance gave her a gift she accepted, implying their relationship wasn't that bad as he was trying to guess, which angered him. This is represented by this scene of him trying to stop himself from walking on that bracelet Khushi received from her fiance on purpose.

"Tell your fiance next time to not give you cheap gifts" "Don't you dare accept the gift of another man, a man you don't even love !"

Since he's hurt by her having that bracelet, for even thinking of marrying another man, ESPECIALLY for not waiting for him (this detail is very important because when they'll get married a second time, she will tell "i'll wait for you", which will make him happy in extreme ways), he's being stubborn and tries to push her to admit everything even with the help of his toxicity !

"-The price of things doesn't matter for me. -It should. Because cheap things don't last long. "It should matter Khushi because his love for you isn't as deep as my love. My love isn't cheap. My love with last for a lifetime and behond."

-Why are you not happy? "Khushi tell me, tell me you want me to set you free, I will!"

-You'll will never understands my happiness. Your bank account is so good but then, why do you look so tense? "When you pushed me away after almost kissing me, where was your worry for my happiness? Why are you worry about my happiness when you're getting married to another woman? Your feeling for me don't even compare to your love for Lavanya. Right?!"

"Instead of asking me, you should ask yourself why are so unhappy?"

Here I think she isn't insinuating that he's unhappy because of her. She thinks he loves Lavanya (more precisely, that he loves Lavanya but still at the same time has feelings for her too). She is talking about him refusing to let go of his hatred that glued him in his past.

She tells him that she's happy, liying just like he did the night before. And she breaks his heart just like broke hers.

And now, he just wants to hurt her back by ordering his engagement to happen sooner. He doesn't mean a word as always. But his actions are gonna be even more cruel in the next eps.

He won't let himself d*e from the pain alone, he'll try to drag her with him and try absolutely everything to make her confess, even taking the risk of hurting her in a such deep ways in the process that she'll start to think of him as a man unworthy of her love. Khushi never ever felt he was unworthy, she was always feeling the one unworthy of him.

"Either this engagement takes place tomorrow or never." Arnav's engagement with Lavanaya only happened because of Khushi. It was his way too push her away to prove he could control the imbalance between them.

"I got engaged just to prove you you can't take all the power over me but I didn't mean a word. You didn't even gave me a chance to fix the whole thing, you didn't even wait for me?! But here you are being engaged to a man you don't even love? Well, if you want to play this game, I'll show you how a better player I am than you, I won't suffer alone Khushi." SOOOO TOOOOXIIIIIC UUUUUGH GIVE US A BREEEAK !! 😭

His will to get officially engaged is just because of Khushi, to prove her he can be happy without her. To prove to her and himself that he can control the imbalance he thinks there is between their love for each other (still in this moment, the imbalance triggers him in horrific ways, he doesn't want to be the one who love the other more, he doesn't want to be like his mother).

Arnav makes sure to lock eyes with Khushi before leaving, he might have done it unconsciously but I think it was his way to challenge her again, to make sure she knows he's doing it because she refuses to confess first.

Khushi thinks he's doing it just to prove her the feelings he has for her still don't hold importance. She has no idea about his fear of the imbalance thing.

She doesn't know that Arnav hearing how much he means to her will absolue his whole soul, free him from what's k'lling him inside.

[madeofcc]

OCTOBER UPDATE 🎃

Hellow everyone 👻

Finally, October is here and the spooky season that belongs to it ! Simblreen is turning slowly but surely in spooky mode and I already love to see some great content on my dash. As usual, this is a little post about what's going to happen during this month on this page. You'll find more info about Another Side in the blog update part.

Feel free to read or ignore this but always take very good care of you ♥

Also, thanks a lot to all of you for being here and remember, you're not alone ... This season in particular 👀

Life update : A hell lot happened in a month. I usually love September but this one was probably one of the hardest month of my life. To be short, after 6 months of full implication and hard work, I got fired after a burn out at work. I'm also living with my ex for almost a year now and it has become harder and harder to feel good living together. To be honest, I spend my nights crying these days so I'm fully commited to my sims story this month in order to have some kind of escape. Anyway, I guess that's all, sorry for being that negative this month, I'll get better don't worry. Here comes the blog update anyway :) More fun inside this one.

Blog update : Another Side is starting tomorrow 🎃

I'm soooo happy to see the little hype around this story and I can tell you that it's the one I've been putting so more efforts into it for now. The chapters are a bit longer than usually, I'm really trying to create the best cinematic experience for you dear readers. I made a little poll this week to check your desire about this story and the posting around it. So far, those who voted mainly voted for half a chapter a day so I guess that's what I'll do, but I reserve myself the right to post the entire chapter if it's a short one (like 2 parts).

The intro is already here in 2 parts, Chapter 1 will be called "Yuki" and will be 4 parts long. Tomorrow, October 1st, I'll post 2 parts of this chapter, the first one dropping at midnight (Paris time) and the other one a little bit later during the day. I'll make a timezone reblog and you'll get part 3 and 4 Sunday. Not all chapters will include 4 parts so I can't already tell you how many chapters there will be nor how many parts they will include. For now, the only thing I can tell you is that I'm trying to write it like a serie and so far, ep 1 to 3 include 7 chapters each so ... This should give you an idea. It should also go through October and November I think. Maybe a bit more if the story is longer than planned.

About Simblreen, I'm super excited for the event but I'm still thinking whether or not participating fully this year. For now I still have to fix my topaz clean on Photoshop (everything is installed correctly but nothing appears on Photoshop anymore, it worked fine 2 days ago U_U) but if I have the time I'd love to share some presents ! So far, I'm thinking of some CAS spooky backgrounds and also a new set of horror posters. Expect at least some new posters (who said A24 HORROR ?!) and if I have the time (and energy), some CAS backgrounds then.

About DH, don't worry my loves, Destiny and all should be back for some edits around the end of the year but the story will be officially back in 2023 for a full DH year 😍 I've planned a lot, including a casting call so be prepared !

And I think that's all ! As usual, thank you so much for reading this and for being here. You all are a daily strenght you don't even know 😊

Take very good care of you, enjoy a looooot this spooky season as much as I do (only for the medias part, otherwise, please October be nicer than September who was hell !) and always remember that you're not alone ♥

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary314

7/29-30/24

monday - tuesday

i just played and beat a video game...

started and ended it in one night... whoops. i know i don't play video games very much, i suppose it's okay... but i am up tooooo late again cuz of this. i played and beat crow country, it's just really cute... i've been wanting to buy it i kind of just did... hopefully this does not bite me in the ass in the future!! which is funny because the game is kind of about that!!

it's a really perfect survival horror thing, it feels like it should be a failure in some way, it feels sooo nostalgic almost, but it somehow does that justice? it doesn't shoot itself in the foot, it feels distinct and even modern in ways, the pacing is so perfect too, it's crazy. it's weird that the style works so well for a mostly cute horror game, where it does end up getting tense, it really leans into the weirder stuff in the nintendo 64 zelda games, i feel like, that and psx stuff obv but the n64 is an interesting reference point in the game, i also feel like that zelda lineage really makes itself known in the puzzles and level design kinda, idk, it's very reminiscent of that for me, maybe that's just becuz of how the game looks though.

the story also works well, more than you'd expect, it's not like, a lot really, it's just ideal for what the game is i think, it gestures at stuff without really getting into it too much, which works out for it, like gesturing at greed destroying the environment, there's one thing which i think they did magnificently well actually, the thing with the numbers, that one's very good, that's a classic bit of horror right there, where it's not as mundane as you think.

anyway, i need to sleep soon... today was not wasted on games, i prepared dinner for the next little bit, and i also worked on a song, mixing it and adding some effects to it, to make it more... more. i had an idea from a black dice interview, where the drummer talks about how he stuck a mic in his kick drum, routed the mic through a pitch shifting pedal he attached to his kick so whenever he hit the kick the pitch went up, and then probably some gnarly shit to make that feedback, and that gave me an idea for a kick in the song i want to open this next ep, it just seems like such an ugly shambolic idea, and it works out that way! i think mine is closer to a gabber kick maybe but something is more evidently wrong with it, it's way too boomy, the feedback pitch sound is more atonal and strange than those get, not as like, perfectly zappy. it's a weird sound but i like it. that idea also probably works out in the song cuz there's no bass in it really, not that there's not bass frequencies, but there's no constant bassline, it's just 3 fucked up guitar synth things, and a couple synths, and the drums, one of the synths does some lower mid stuff but that range is also kind of cut out so it's not really reaching so low, it's a weird sound also.

anyway that feedback stuff has me wanting to do some irritating feedback stuff more. maybe i can work that into something. anyway i really need to fucking sleep, my gf and i are going out tomorrow to her friend's place, to hang out for a while, and then the day after we might be going out too. but honestly i am not sure. i am kind of thinking it will not happen. my gf will probably be too tired or something cuz that is also errands day.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[creativesaturn]

Okay, so I have recently started watching criminal minds (literally on ep 10 of first season) anyways, Spencer with a bimbo! Reader who loves to listen to him even if she doesn't understand anything, she just keeps nodding along with whatever he says and he realizes she doesn't UNDERSTAND SHIT and he tries to dumb it down for her and it turns her on because it's so sweet of him to do so-

sorry if it doesn't make sense, he has me in a brainrot

Summary: It's almost Spencer's favorite holiday, meaning he's been going on rants every chance he gets. He knows you're interested, but it's not worth getting too confused about.

Genre: Fluff

Pairing: Spencer Reid x bimbo!reader

Warnings: None

Word count: 390

a/n: couldn't think of something for him to rant about but my favorite holiday also happens to be Halloween so hope this is okay!!!

It was Halloween Eve, on the jet who sat in front of you was, Spencer. The stars feeling like they were chasing after you as the jet moved.

You knew Halloween was Spencer's favorite holiday. It was obvious when he'd show up to work with a random monster masks and attempt to scare anyone who walked by.

You couldn't help yourself but ask what he was doing tomorrow, intrigued on what he spends his time doing because you knew it wasn't trick or treating.

This, of course, turned into a long rant. Your eyes focused on his as he moved his hands to express every word.

"The origins of Halloween actually date back 2,000 years to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, which was celebrated on October 31st, on the eve of their new year. The Celts believed that the dead returned to earth that night, and so they lit bonfires and donned costumes to ward off the ghosts." He smiled as he went on, his eyes having that sparkle every time he noticed you were deep into the conversation.

"Celtic festival?" You asked, tilting your head. He shifted in his seat to get more comfortable to speak once more, "Ancient Celtic festivals included religious and seasonal events such as bonfires, harvest festivals, storytelling and music festivals, and dance festivals. Its actually quite interesting, when you read more onto their culture." He nodded, cracking his knuckles against his palms.

You asking Spencer questions wasn't bait. Although you find it quite attractive when he'd get into something, you were still always confused. Not even just when Spencer would go on rants, anything anyone would say that was slightly out of your vocabulary suddenly hitting you like a brick when you realize you don't understand.

"Huh.." You nodded, "Wait, so they kinda, invented Halloween?" Your voice always had curiosity laced inside of it, you were never not curious or confused about something you didn't quite understand.

"Uh--well..." He wanted to go on again, but you'd be even more confused if he did so. "Yeah, basically." He nodded, smiling at the way he understood he was going to have to dumb things down for you.

You subconsciously formed a smile when you realized he stopped to give a basic explanation, but at least you understood it. Or, at least some of it.

reposts and comments are appreciated <3

[bunnypansy]

Skinship

Rated PG, view with caution!

Lucifer doesn't like when you pick at yourself like that, so he'll do what he can to assuage your worries. (Ep. 2)

Featuring: Lucifer and You!

Beware! This film contains: light angst, gn! reader, skin picking, light blood, self harm warning? It's not very bad, but still

Soundtrack: Paul by Big Thief, covered by Cavetown

He hates not being more present, he really does. You say you're not all that bothered. You promise Lucifer when he takes your hand in his, that you're okay, that you understand he's busy, and that you're satisfied with these stolen moments of affection.

Lucifer notices the skin under your fingernails and thinks otherwise. He knows you think you're okay, but he also knows okay is relative. He knows you better.

Okay is a low, low bar. Lucifer has learned to watch you closely; you pick at the blemishes on your face, hangnails, paper cuts, scabs, until the small imperfections turn to bleeding gashes. You do it like an addict, picking until you bleed, looking for more to tear away.

With every small wound guilt swallows Lucifer, that he can't be there for you every hour of every day, soothing your stressors- but at least he can be there at night. At the end of the day, you both end up in the same bed in his room, that's your one solace.

What had been just Lucifer's room had been co-opted into both of your rooms, little touches from each of you here and there- getting you to decorate with your own things was like pulling teeth. It relieved you both to know that even if you were sleeping alone now eventually someone else would crawl in beside you.

Usually, you'd be asleep by the time Lucifer got done with today's work, and you had gotten back to the room before him like always; but you just laid still in the king size bed, bathed in blue half darkness from the singular candle you'd left glowing with magic on the nightstand.

Tomorrow, the day after, the week after; planning, planning, planning and picking, picking, picking. Your fingertips smoothed over your cheek, searching for purchase in your skin, like footholds in a cliff side. They wandered down to your jaw, finding a blemish on the soft pouch between your neck and chin.

Your fingernails moved on their own, hungry for the satisfaction of tearing, they pinched and scratched- it was a zit. You needed to wash your face more, It's been a while, you don't really know where to start with that, you should ask Asmodeus. Something wet and warm on your skin- you should clean the sheets, vacuum in here too, how long has it been? Maybe you could talk Lucifer into hiring staff, no he didn't need more on his plate and that would be expensive, talk to Barbatos to get help. Running down your fingers- you had dinner duty tomorrow, you haven't even thought about it yet, you'll have to come up with something on the fly-

"You're still awake." Lucifer's voice makes you sit up in bed, you realize he's right. You are still awake, when you'd sworn you'd gone to bed an hour ago.

Your fingers are wet and red, your jaw stings like a bite. "I just…" you don't really know, there's nothing to say that he can't see.

Relief, your hands look for it in the space around your nail beds, tearing the skin back to search for the feeling.

"Stop that." Lucifer scolds, harsh but not cruel. He pries your hands apart from each other, it's for himself as much as you, he hates watching you do that. "I'll clip your nails myself if I have to."

He thinks, briefly, about a fun fact Satan had told him when he was little, that when parrots are stressed they'll pluck out their own feathers and it reminds him of you. Then he thinks that he isn't much better, all that drinking and the late nights.

"What are you thinking about?" Lucifer doesn't bother with “what's wrong?” because you don't want to talk about what's wrong, you never do.

You want to draw your hand back to your chin, you feel the urge and Lucifer feels you try and pull your hands out of his for a moment. "It's not a big deal, I'm okay."

Lucifer squeezes your hands and swallows hard, he swears he can hear his jaw groaning as he clenches his teeth. I'm okay. that phrase makes him want to bite things.

"Go sit in the bathroom." It sounds like he's choking on his frustration with how quiet the request comes out. As quick as you open your mouth to protest he interrupts. "Please."

The look on Lucifer's face makes you cave, there was something so tired and weak in his expression, perhaps the tilt of his brows or the slowly darkening rings beneath his eyes. You comply- if only to get him to stop making that awful face -and silently walk to the bathroom.

The walk of shame, too irresponsible for your own fingernails, you think. You've scratched up too many valuable things, and now you're to be declawed.

You watch, from a room away, as Lucifer runs his fingers through his hair, he sighs and rubs his temples, then sheds his heavy overcoat. He keeps his gloves on, you think they make him feel safe. It's hardly a second before he's in the bathroom with you, bending down to open the cupboard beneath the sink while you stand there, barefoot on the cold tile.

Lucifer doesn't bother with words when he stands up again, only pulling your hand until it hovers over the sink. The first click of the nail clippers feels like a gunshot, it's loud and jarring, and you flinch.

You wish Lucifer would take his gloves off. You want him to close the millimeter thick gap, because warmth of his hands would be comforting now and you're craving the skinship; but you don't say anything, and Lucifer doesn't look up. You just watch as the overworked head of the household clips your goddamn fingernails for you after his long, hard day.

Guilt fills your chest like lake water, you swear to God you're drowning in it, you can feel the burn in your lungs with every futile breath. The water rises from your lungs, to your throat, then before you know it you can feel it burning your eyes. You swear that you're not going to cry, no matter what it takes, you will not make this worse for him.

"Deep breaths." Lucifer warns- he heard you gasping for air, trying to swallow your tears.

You nod, words are dangerous now, opening your mouth means opening the floodgates.

For a moment, Lucifer pauses, and removes his gloves; you hadn't even noticed he'd finished clipping your nails. It's gentle when he grasps your finger between his own, carefully filling down any sharp edges. By the time he's filed all of your fingernails into smooth, blunt edges, you'd found your breath again, engrossed with watching the simple process.

He washes your hands for you, and you think that he doesn't have to do that, but maybe Lucifer just wants to. The water is pleasantly warm and the hand soap smells like Lucifer; it's not distinct to you, but has a vaguely masculine scent, maybe sandalwood?

When you finally look back at Lucifer, some of the creases in his face have loosened, maybe he can finally be at ease with knowledge you can't hurt yourself anymore.

Both of you stand in front of the bathroom mirror as he rubs ointment into the wound below your chin; Lucifer right behind you as he tilts your head this way and that, fussing over you like a mother hen.

"Maybe," Lucifer rumbles quietly, you can feel his chest move as he talks, pressed up against your back. "You should take a week off."

Your expression sours and he notices. "I can handle this."

"You don't need to convince me." The reply is quick and confident, like it rested on the tip of his tongue before you even spoke. "I know you're capable, it's one of your best qualities."

He means I love that about you and you both know it. "But that doesn't mean you don't need a break."

You stifled a sarcastic snort- he had some nerve telling you to take a break, you couldn't recall the last time he had even a day to himself.

He places a bandaid over your injury and you study his expression in the mirror for a long while; it only takes a minute for him to meet your eyes through the perfectly polished glass.

"And…" His Adam's apple bobs with a hard swallow, trying to work up the words he wanted. "I miss you. I'd like to spend time with you."

The way Lucifer chokes out the words was rough, like he'd coughed up sand rather than a confession.

It's quiet for a long time, you're trying to outlast each other, but his subtle frown is wearing on you.

"Okay." He visibly relaxes when you agree, shoulders going lax and jaw loosening. "If you take a break with me."

The tension returns to his body immediately- a week-long break is a hard sell for Lucifer. Both of you are workaholics, maybe that's why you work, maybe that's why you struggle; who's to say?

When he clicks his tongue, you know it's in defeat. "Fine, if it's what you want."

For this first time in a long time, you break into a grin, smug and victorious. "It is."

Lucifer huffs a small laugh, and you know it's to try and cover his own grin, but he just distracts himself further by picking up and putting on his gloves. "Don't look so triumphant."

The lilt to his voice is joyful, teasing, you missed that. It dawns on both of you, how tired you've both been for so long, and how similar you both are.

"You should go to bed." The smiling is gone, and the teasing has been put away, but his tone is not unkind.

You couldn't help the scowl that crawled it's way onto your face. "Don't use your dad voice on me," he almost looks offended that you called it that,"you need to go to bed."

"Here's an idea," firm hands grasp beneath your armpits and lift you from the ground, "We could both go to bed."

Lucifer, the man who doesn't like cats, holding you like one as he walks you over to your bed. The way he drops you into the mattress is so unceremonious you can't help but laugh a little.

He rounds to his side of the mattress and sits on the edge of the bed, turning back for a moment to check on you and give a small smile. You watch while he unlaces his shoes, unbuttons his shirt and slides off his dress pants, fighting the urge to sleep; you've made it this long, you're determined not to stumble in the home stretch.

At long last, Lucifer's done all he needs to do and crawls his way beneath the covers with you. You shuffled up next to him, tucked against Lucifer's side as he wrapped an arm around your shoulders.

Sleep was quickly approaching, already pulling your eyes closed. Your words sounded distant, like you were speaking through a mouthful of water, but at the very least Lucifer's response to you was clear.

"I love you too."

Uhmmm. I kinda phoned it in at the end cus I was tired. Forgive me

As always, thank you for reading!

[meetmeatthecoda]

I am shocked. And devastated. And just... deeply saddened.

Firstly, I have no ill will toward Megan. It has never seemed like she’s had a 100% fabulous experience on the show, for a variety of reasons, but we certainly don’t know all the facts, and it’s really none of our business. Of course, she has the absolute right to pick whatever projects she wants to work on & when. And who knows, she could want to spend more time with or perhaps grow her family. Regardless, I wish her the best.

Secondly, I am... confused & appalled at the writers. Not only for all their previous poor decisions (which I suppose are, after all, a matter of opinion & more importantly, I’m not interested in going into them right now/again) but for the way they handled this. Just... they obviously knew this was coming - these things have to be decided in advance - & this is how they chose to write their final season with their lead? I’m... aghast. She was straight-up gone for a portion (though we don’t know the truth behind that, to be fair), villianized for most of it, & pretty much hated for all of it. They knew she was leaving & they couldn’t be bothered to at least try to redeem her character & wrap up her arc in a positive way? Not to mention repair her relationship with the other main character, WHICH IS BY THE WAY THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THE SHOW. I’m just... baffled. Granted, who knows what they’ll pull out of their rears for these last two eps but... I’m not fooling myself into expecting anything good.

Thirdly, all that “real life” business said... personally? I’m so upset. I saw the headline on my phone first thing when I woke up & the most awful horror spread through my chest. I know that sounds dramatic but... listen. This show means a lot to me. For all that I bitch about it (which I know is a lot), this show has been a constant in my life for over 8 years &... that’s a long-ass time. It’s seen me through the end of high school, undergraduate school, graduate school, AND a world-wide pandemic. I made this tumblr specifically to join the Lizzington community, I’ve made such incredible friends through it, & I started writing just for this ship. My time here has been a rock in tough times, a guilty pleasure, & a place to escape. I’ve met amazing people all over the world - some of the loveliest & purest relationships I’ve ever had - and even actual physical penpals, none of which I would have had the opportunity to do without this show. Watching the fandom slowly shrink as friends & acquaintances move on to bigger & better things has been so sad to see & I’m afraid of that just being compounded with the few of us left. I don’t want to lose the friends I’ve made because the show is effectively over. Maybe I’m being overly-sentimental because this is my first active fandom experience but... I don’t care. That’s how I feel. I’m not even sure what I’ll blog about anymore with no show to theorize about, no gifs to cry over, no crappy plots to bitch about. And in terms of fic... I don’t know. I’d certainly like to finish what I have in my line-up, but I’m not sure about after that. I’d love to finish my WIPs & write the vision I’ve always had for my final Lizzington fic. It makes me so sad to think of not writing anymore but if there’s no show? What else can I do? I won’t be stopping immediately but, as I suppose it’s always been, the conclusion of the show is tied to the lifespan of my fics & when one ends... I think so does the other. And that thought makes me so unbelievably sad.

I think I’m mostly gutted because I just wasn’t expecting this. I NEVER thought either Megan or James leaving before the natural conclusion of the show was EVER a possibility. And, more importantly, I thought we had at least one more season. Ever since renewals came into real question around season seven or so, it occurred to me that I should try to prepare for the eventual end. And I was mentally preparing for it! But, since the news that there will be a season 9, I was counting on at least one more year. Would it be bad? Probably. Would it be worth watching? Probably not. Would there be any Lizzington? Unlikely. But would I be able to liveblog & scream about it with my friends? Yes. Would there be inspiration for new fics? You bet. Would there be the smallest, tiniest, little glimmer of hope for Lizzington? .....Yes. Some may argue there was never any hope to begin with (& we would obviously disagree) but that’s the thing about hope: as long as there’s a little, there’s some. But there’s not anymore. Because without Megan, there’s no Liz, & without Liz, there’s no possibility for Lizzington. At least for me. So, to go from counting on at least one more season before it was time to prepare for the end of this whole experience, to suddenly just two episodes is... so painful. Just one week left. After eight seasons. And more than eight years. Usually you have so much more build-up before series finales, which is effectively what this is for me. To not have that just makes everything feel so... pointless. I know it’s not &, despite the shit show this all turned out to be, I WILL have fond memories of this time. And I WILL eventually get over it. It just... feels like a huge loss. Because it is. It’s unexpected. And devastating. And while it’s super dramatic & way over-the-top to say it... I feel like I’m grieving right now. This show - & more so this ship - meant so much to me. And I feel like we lost that today. Who knows what they’ll do in these next 2 episodes - if they’ll chose to retcon the mythology or if they’ll successfully tie up all the loose ends? If they’ll end with Red & Liz on good terms or friends (or more?) or if they’ll OOC tf out of the relationship in an attempt to set things up for season 9 & whatever their weird plans are...

But, I’m sorry, no matter what they’re planning? I won’t be watching season 9. The Blacklist has always - from the first promo - been about Red & Liz & their relationship. TPTB seem to have forgotten that. And to quote Megan... “I think it’s a love story.”

It’s a shame we never got to see it.