#i dont think i realized just how hilarious it is until i remembered the car scene

[mejomonster]

WILD that Luo wenzhou does the whole front of treating Fei Du like a kid, like its caretaking and not the same damn love motivated care he does to Tao Ran except verging on even Moreso with Fei Du

When fei du literally, episodes before, saved him from certain death with a car. Saved him through an entire fucking car chase where he was bleeding out.

Fucking incredible.

No wonder it drives Fei Du up the fucking Wall. Luo Wenzhou has all this drive to dote on and care for Fei Du and keeps framing it as caretaking and that slightly tilted lense of "listen to me as a senior to you" whenever Fei Du lashes out, and it's like Fei Du is literally president of a presumably million or incredulously more rich ass company making actual business deals shaping the world and the crime scene in their city. A car chase isn't even the only dangerous he's thing he's done that week, politically he's making enemies daily at work. He is very much a competent adult with immense fucking heaps of responsibility he Very Successfully handles.

And then Luo scolds him for drinking coffee after wine cause it might hurt his tummy. ToT

Just can u even imagine being treated that much like a child when u saved the dude who's being Overprotective, from certain death the other day? No wonder Fei Du goes feral on his ass so often.

Luo Wenzhous doing it out of love rapidly shifting from platonic to *oh fuck don't confront it yet* while he keeps framing it as caretaking adjacent so Fei Du will tolerate it in the first place and it'll seem familiar and safe for fei du, but at the same fucking time it's goddamn whiplash cause Fei Du is having sexual thoughts for equal aged Tao Ran and trying to rail the guy and take him on dates (and functionally honestly in actions doing Exactly the same things to for Tao Ran that Luo Wenzhou does for Fei Du, but fei du can't recognize Luo wenzhous treating him that way - but Tao Ran sure as fuck can and he's Exhausted over them lmao). So fei du is like WHY am I being babied???! I'm the one babying the man I HAVE A CRUSH ON (with absolutely Zero self recognition that he learned to treat someone he likes this way literally by emulating Luo Wenzhou so you'd fucking think he'd notice Luo Wenzhou doing it to him but nah).

Anyway just. Lmao at President of a huge company fei du, saving the lives of cops in fucking huge high risk car chases, kicking the hornets nest of murdery shady rich people daily... being told "oh don't drink that coffee" "oh eat something it's late" "oh I'll call you a cab I don't trust you to get yourself home" "oh I can't smoke around you you're a delicate baby you might get hurt" Jesus christ alive no wonder fei du jumps for Luo Wenzhous throat nonstop.

Can you imagine? You run a company of hundreds or thousands, you save people, and your old "frenemy" won't stop treating you like you're the most delicate frail damsel that needs constant doting and saving. But he'll still yell at you. At least you don't yell at Tao Ran, when YOU treat him like a delicate damsel you're constantly offering support. But luo wenzhou? Constantly irritatingly bitching at you nonstop as he treats you like a damsel

ToT

[artificialqueens]

Girl I Met On The Internet, 6/6 (Crystal x Gigi) - Strawberry

a/n: and it’s a wrap! for now anyway bc i totally dont have a fic coming based on the good news nicky had for jaida! i just want to say thank you to every single person who read, liked and reblogged this story. it means so much to me, i’m so glad people enjoyed the strange idea that came into my brain. <3 (also! i wanted to let you guys know that i’m planning on posting this fic on ao3 as well, probably after this chapter is posted on here. my username on there is drivingmecrazy !!)

crystal: does everyone’s spring break start this weekend too?? anyone doing anything??

jan!: mine does! i’m staying home all week, jackie is leaving me :(

nicky: my spring break isn’t until late april!! wtf :(

heidi: ha loser

heidi: i’m going to play animal crossing all weekend i can’t wait

Jackie: I’m going to Canada to visit family on Sunday. Jan, if you want we can hang out on Saturday if you’re going to miss me that much. :P

nicky: i’ll hang out with you jackie

jan: i hate you nicky

jaida: i have a pageant next week!!

jan!: yaas gorg

nicky: bring home the crown!

crystal: GO JAIDA!

nicky: also jaida call me. i have good news for you :)

gigi: crystal you already know what’s going down

crystal: do i now?

gigi: GOOD LUCK JAIDA!!! NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE OUR WINNER

Crystal had somewhat of an idea of what was going down. She had been granted permission to sleep over at Gigi’s house, and they would be going on their date the following day. Gigi would not tell Crystal anything about where they were going, and refused to give her any hints no matter how much Crystal begged. 

The next morning, on their walk to school, Crystal finally got a hint. 

“You tweeted about it. That’s all I’ll tell you.”

“That’s not helpful at all!” Crystal had almost 30 thousand tweets, her Twitter was her space to say weird things without being judged too harshly, and she had a lot of things to say! She thought about things she might’ve tweeted about wanting to do, or places she wanted to go, but came up empty handed.

“Well, you have the whole day to think about it. I’ll meet you after school, yeah?”

-

Gigi’s mom offered to pick them up after school, even though the walk from their school to Gigi’s house wasn’t far. Crystal finally met Nancy, Gigi’s beloved dog. Crystal didn’t want to do anything besides hold the dachshund to her chest all night, but Gigi wouldn’t let her, saying it wasn’t fair for Nancy to get all of the attention even though Gigi does the exact same thing with Tic Tac.

They made homemade pizza for dinner, and played monopoly with Gigi’s parents and her brother. Gigi’s brother thought Crystal was cute, and hit on Crystal; trying out a ridiculous pickup line on the green haired girl every chance he got. After they called off the game, Gigi excused her and Crystal to her room.

“So quick to leave, Georgina,” Crystal teased, sitting down next to Nancy who was using Gigi’s strawberry cow pillow pet as a headrest. 

“Wanna spend time with you. Can we cuddle?”

“Yeah, of course.”

They sat in silence for a while, enjoying each other’s company until Gigi spoke up.

“I couldn’t do it.”

“Couldn’t do what?” Crystal asked, lost.

“Come out to my friends. I thought I was ready but obviously I’m not.”

“It’s okay, Gigi. You’ll know when it’s time, don’t rush it.”

“I just want to be more open, I guess.”

“That’s good, but it’s not going to happen overnight. You have to take baby steps, G.”

“Was it hard? To come out?”

“To who?” Crystal snorted, “You know I don’t have any friends. I’m pretty sure everyone at school already knows, though.”

“Does your mom know?”

“Probably. She got a little too suspicious when I started liking Poppy.”

This turned into revealing who their first gay crush was, and how and when they figured out they liked girls like the rest of their friends liked boys. Crystal told Gigi about how she originally tried to fake like One Direction so no one would suspect anything, and Gigi told Crystal about how she refused to listen to any music sung by female artists for half a year before they decided to go to sleep.

-

Crystal had woken up first. She didn’t bother waking up Gigi, going to scroll through Twitter instead. It was still early, but the group chat was on some bullshit, Jan changed her display name to Nicky and changed her profile picture to Nicky’s to mock her. Nicky did not find this funny in the slightest, but Jaida did.

nicky: i’m nicky i’m french i love stealing my friends gfs

jaida: omg period!

THE REAL nicky: JAIDA THAT’S NOT ME!!!

jaida: proof?

THE REAL nicky: I HATE IT HERE!!

nicky: croissant

crystal: HELPDGNJKFNJ

THE REAL nicky: i cannot stand jan. this is why jackie should date me instead

Crystal couldn’t stop laughing, which ended up waking Gigi up. Gigi was grumpy at first, but that changed when she realized they needed to get ready to go on the date she had planned.

After they had gotten up and dressed, they sat next to each other in front of the giant, floor length mirror next to Gigi’s closet to do their makeup. Gigi stopped doing her makeup after putting on her foundation, deciding that watching Crystal do her eye shadow was more entertaining than finishing the look she had in mind.

“Stop looking at me, you’re making me nervous!” Crystal giggled when she noticed Gigi’s stares, not actually wanting Gigi to stop.

“I’ll think about it,” Gigi paused, pretending to think, “I will not. You look beautiful.”

Crystal squawked, “I barely have anything on my face!”

“So?”

“What are you, gay or something?” Crystal teased, making Gigi poke at her sides, “Stop being a dork and finish your makeup!”

“Fine. Only because we need to get going soon.”

-

“Wait, you know how to drive?” Crystal asked, getting in the passenger seat.

“Yeah! I don’t have my own car yet, but I got my license on my 16th birthday. I am not enforcing the stereotype at all!” Gigi grinned, opening the garage door and starting her mom’s car.

“I’ll be the judge of that. Can I play music?” 

“Yeah, sure.” Gigi handed her the aux cord and started backing out of the driveway. 

“Okay. This is the ultimate test,” Crystal stated, starting to play a song. “Which One Direction song is this?”

The song in question was good, but Gigi didn’t recognize it. She had only listened to ‘Midnight Memories’ because it was Crystal’s favorite album, and she knew for sure Crystal wasn’t playing a song from that album. “Is it from ‘Made in the A.M’?”

“Trick question! It’s one of Niall’s solo songs. It’s called ‘Dear Patience’!” Crystal laughed, thinking she had pulled off the biggest prank in the world.

“Oh, fuck. I should’ve known there was only one person singing.”

After fifteen minutes of driving, and Gigi almost running a stop sign, they finally pulled up at a cute little thrift shop on the outskirts of town, and Crystal was just about shaking with excitement. “I love thrifting! I’ve only been once, but it was so fun! I found that jumpsuit I wore that one day while thrifting!” She rambles, rushing to get out of the car and inside.

“Wait, when I did tweet about this?”

Around the time they had first started talking, Crystal had tweeted about how her dream date was going thrifting. Gigi naturally stored this information in the back of her mind, even though at the time she never thought she would need it.

On their walk from the parking lot to the store, Crystal held her hand out, which Gigi hesitantly accepted.

“We should play a game! We should split up and pick out an outfit for the other person without them knowing and then meet up and try them on!” 

Gigi’s heart swelled, Crystal was so cute. “That sounds fun, but how do I know this isn’t just a trick to dress me up in something hideous?” Gigi teased, making Crystal blush.

“I would never, don’t be ridiculous,” Crystal scoffed, “I’ll save that for the next time we go thrifting!”

Crystal let go of Gigi’s hand to open the door for her, splitting up as soon as they walked into the shop.

It didn’t take them very long to pick out their pieces. Crystal stayed true to her word, picking out a light green, halter top dress for Gigi. Gigi, on the other hand, had picked out a hideous pair of neon pink, zebra print leggings and a red flannel shirt.

“Gigi, what is that?” Crystal scrunched up her nose in disgust.

“You like patterns, why not clash them?” Gigi tried to defend herself, but could barely finish her sentence before bursting out laughing.

“No! I’m not getting that! I’m not even going to try on that outfit. It’s yucky.”

“That’s fine, give me the dress you picked out for me. I need that.” Gigi snatched it from Crystal’s hands, walking quickly to the dressing room.

The dress looked gorgeous on Gigi. Crystal was so glad she took their game seriously. 

They looked around together for a little bit before wandering from each other yet again. Gigi somehow ended up with a pile of clothes that you would only see in a very successful thrifting haul video on YouTube. Crystal had stuck to the men’s section, immediately claiming some loud button ups and with a little digging, she found a very specific, out of place t-shirt that said something about how ‘real grandmas drink Dr. Pepper’ that she found hilarious and needed to own.

“What does that say? Some grandmas play bingo, real grandmas drink Dr. Pepper?” Gigi questioned when they finally met back up, “What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know, but it’s sending me. I need it!”

“So you hated my outfit I got for you, but you’re buying that?” Gigi teased.

“You do not understand the art of highly specific shirts, like these, babe. I’ll have to teach you all about them later.”

Gigi thought Crystal was an idiot, but she couldn’t stop smiling.

-

After paying for their clothes, they got back into the car. Gigi started driving, not telling Crystal where their next stop was. The stop happened to be the Taco Bell drive thru, which Crystal was excited about. “Okay, I do remember tweeting about wanting to go to Taco Bell.” 

When they got their food, Gigi placed the bag in the back seat, making Crystal raise an eyebrow. 

“You’re a messy eater, so we aren’t eating in the car. My mom would kill me if we made a mess.”

While Crystal tried to convince Gigi she was not a messy eater and her mom’s car would be fine, Gigi pulled up to a park.

“Can you find a spot to sit down at so we can eat it there?” Gigi requested. It took Crystal about two seconds to travel from the car to the grass, settling down in a shady spot underneath some trees. Gigi joined Crystal, holding a blue blanket as well as the brown paper bag.

“It’s not a picnic blanket, I couldn’t find one but I hope it works.”

“It does! I love picnics!” Crystal hops up so Gigi can lay down the blanket, going to retrieve the drinks that they forgot in the car. 

Their lunch was filled with flirting, stupid inside jokes and Crystal loved every second of it. She knew for sure by the end of the day she would not be single anymore, but the lack of confirmation was making her antsy.

Once they were done eating, Gigi collected all of the wrappers and cups, walking across the grass to the nearest trash can to dispose of them. When Gigi came back, she had a huge grin on her face, “Well, Crystal Elizabeth. I would like to think that I successfully wooed you, if only you could do something for me in return…”

“What do you have in mind, Georgina?” Crystal giggles, hoping Gigi couldn’t tell how nervous that statement made her.

“Crystal Elizabeth, I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend?” 

“God, yes. I’ve been waiting for this for months.” Crystal exclaimed, immediately being pulled into a kiss.

They stayed at the park after that. Crystal’s inner child had jumped out after the kiss was broken and she wanted to play on the playground. 

“Wait, Crystal! Come here, the light looks good right now and we need to take our reveal selfie!”

-

Their date came to an end when Crystal’s mom texted her asking to come home. Crystal’s mom had no idea what she was interrupting, as Crystal did not tell her mom what they were actually doing.

“I hate it here, I would let this date go on all week if I could.” Crystal pouted, buckling her seatbelt.

“If there’s any other place you want to go this week, we could go on our second date.” Gigi smiled, reaching out to hold Crystal’s hand.

“Be careful, I know steering with one hand is peak lesbianism, but I don’t know if you’re a good enough driver to do that yet.” Crystal joked, even though she gladly accepted Gigi’s hand.

“Oh, shut up. Like you could go ten minutes without holding my hand.”

Crystal kissed Gigi again when they got on her street, Gigi parking a few houses down for privacy.

“This was fun. I really am happy with everything. You completely wooed me, Georgina.”

“I’m glad. Does this mean I can call you my clown girlfriend now?” Gigi jokingly asked, making Crystal let out a tiny scream.

“As dumb as that sounds, yes. You can.”

Gigi did not let Crystal get out of the car without getting another kiss.

-

Crystal entered her house, her grin slowly fading when she saw her mom waiting for her.

“You took a while to come home.” Crystal’s mom started, under the impression she was at Gigi’s house. “What took you so long?”

“Yeah, sorry. I couldn’t find my charger.” Crystal felt bad for lying to her mom, but she didn’t want to tell her what happened yet.

“Oh, your generation and your phones. I was starting to get worried.”

“Mama, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. I’m going to my room now, is that okay?”

“Yeah, I’m about to start dinner. We’re having your favorite!”

The second Crystal got into her room, she locked her door and jumped on her bed, logging onto Twitter.

crystal: good evening l a d i e s

jan!: HEY!

jaida: crystal!

Jackie: You haven’t been active today, what were you up to?

heidi: not jackie demanding answers

nicky: ooooh

gigi: well, since you asked…

crystal: :D

gigi: my girlfriend crystal and i went on our first date today. isn’t she beautiful??

The group erupted into chaos the second they saw their selfie, congratulating the new couple for finally getting together. Crystal wouldn’t have it any other way. She would be forever grateful for being added into Elites Only, and even more for the special girl she had met there.

gigi: so, any ideas for our second date?

crystal: tons, babe. i’m gonna blow your mind.

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 46

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43 || CHAPTER 44 || CHAPTER 45

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.4k // 4.7k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- note for this chapter: sex was vanilla but i liked it idk lol! i know the Horan & Rose event was in may i just changed it a bit for the story and pushed it to july. this goes downhill from here, sorry :X

PLEASE, i would love to know what you think about Louis and Olivia’s relationship/friendship or what you want to happen or expect to happen to them. he’ll be a LOT more present in the next few chapters so i really need to know.

requests for this chapter! (i suggest you dont read them if you dont want spoilers for this chapter)

Chapter 46 : His chapter

NIALL

After the evening at karaoke, we jumped in my car and drove away. I kept glancing at her, enjoying the large smile on her face and somehow, it made me happy just to see her happy. I watched her hair dance around her face from the wind coming from her window and she moved her purple and pink heart-shaped sunglasses down on her nose, making me smile more.

"No one wear those unironically, by the way." I pointed out just to tease her.

"I do!"

"And it's dark outside." I added, raising my eyebrows.

"I wear them for the style."

She turned to me and sent me a huge smile, making me chuckle and shake my head. I had a hard time to admit it to myself but i was happy with her and I wanted to spend every single minute of my free time with her. The fact that it was mostly what I used to do before we started dating hit me and It made me think of what Louis had said when we met at the bar right after Liv told me how she felt. The only things that really changed was holding hands and having sex... and everything else.

"So where are you taking me?" she asked, moving the window up as we got on the highway.

"You'll see."

"More or less romantic than the gift you gave me this morning?"

I laughed again and licked my lips, glancing at her.

"Cheesier than romantic." I let out after a while.

"Am I gonna like it?"

"Definitely."

The rest of the ride was short enough and when I parked, she started laughing before turning to me again. I loved the way her eyes shined and realizing that I wanted to spend the night cuddling her more than spending it shagging it proved me that I was in it very very deep. I held my breath at the thought and swallowed. She didn't notice and just chuckled before getting out of the car to reach the door. I blinked a few times, trying to get rid of the scary thoughts running in my head, and finally followed her, my eyes roaming on the lodge Harry had rented a few months ago. She stopped in front of the door and stared at me as I unlocked the door and finally pushed on it. Instead to walk in, she waited until I turned to look at her and sent me a fond smile.

"Why did you bring me here, Niall?" she asked in a low tone, tilting her head slightly on the side.

"I know we had fun here, thought it'd be cool to rent it again, spend a few days, just you and I this time." I shrugged as I watched her raise her eyebrows.

I sighed and raised my nose up before shaking my head.

"I just thought we had a few weird memories together here and maybe I want to change them. Maybe I want to make love to you in every damn room and watch the fucking stars all night laying  outside in the backyard. With food and wine and a stupid fire." I stared at her a few seconds and sighed again. "I love you, I just want to make you happy."

Her lips curled more and she moved closer to me quickly, getting on her tiptoes and cupping my face. I closed my eyes when her lips pressed against mine and felt one of her hands slip in my hair. I remained motionless until she got back down on her feet but she didn't say a word. She walked inside and I just followed her, closing the door behind us.

I watched her as she took her sunglasses off and put them on the kitchen's table as a bunch of memories rushed to my brain. It was only a few months ago but it felt like it's been forever and watching her in this kitchen again made something in my stomach twist. I got out of my thoughts when I realized she had taken her shirt off and was doing the same thing with her pants but I decided not to move to just enjoy the view.

"The first thing we did when we got here was to jump in the pool in our underwear." she pointed out, taking a step my way and leaving her clothes on the floor. "I had kept my shirt but not today. You were only in your boxers though."

"Oh you remember that?"

"Clearly and vividly." she added, making me smirk. "I remember masturbating to that sight."

The memory of catching her masturbating came to my mind and I felt my whole body throb. I tried to push it away but the next memory that came to my mind was when I woke up in the middle of the night and saw Harry and her completely naked and wet on the side of that same pool and it made me hold my breath. I didn't want to tell her I saw them simply because I didn't want to talk about the relationship she had with him. All I wanted was to spend time with her. Maybe I shouldn't have brought her here, maybe it was a bad idea and maybe i'd spend my time remembering her with Harry but I would try not to.

It was not like me to think about that kind of things or be jealous about ex lovers but when it came to Olivia, I barely recognized myself and it wasn't new. All the weird reactions I had had here when we spent the weekend with our friends were the proofs that even before we started dating, I had reactions that really didn't fit with my personality.

"Come on." she added with a head movement. "Let's go."

I noticed she had placed her arms around herself, hiding her stomach and I wanted to tell her not to do that but she left too quickly and I watched her get in the pool slowly before taking my shirt and pants off too and leaving my shoes and socks by the door.

Instead to walk down the stairs to join her, I decided to just throw myself in the water. When I came out, I smiled at her as she pushed her wet hair away from her face.

"You think you're funny mm?" she asked as I tried to move closer to her.

"I'm hilarious." I let out, making her chuckle.

"Admit it." she started as I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her closer. "The cheesy thing you had planned was to watch the stars."

"Oh congrats, such a clever girl, pretty sure I mentioned that only a few minutes ago." I joked, rolling my eyes with a smile.

"The lodge was just an excuse. You could as well have brought me camping."

This time I grimaced and her laughter came to my ears in a sweet melody. I didn't want to stress about the future, I was a man of the moment and that's all I wanted to focus on. I knew these doubts and questions would come back eventually, they always seem to, but not today.

"I almost did, I admit." I finally said. "Because i do want to watch the stars with you until morning. But i'm not against a good and warm shower tomorrow."

She laughed and my amused smile turned into a fond one and she smiled back before to move her chin up. The sky was dark and when I glanced up too, I noticed the incredible amount of stars shining from the sky. Her lips curled more and I licked my lips as she was staring up.

"I just want you to have a perfect birthday."

It took her a few seconds but slowly, she looked back down and her eyes found mine.

"It is, Niall." she whispered, bringing both her hands on my cheeks. "It's perfect."

                                                   ---

I knew that only using a blanket wouldn't be comfortable so I brought a small mattress and a few cushions outside, near the campfire. It took me a bit too long to actually start a fire but when I finally succeeded, I sat with my knees up and my legs spread and it only took a second for her to move between them. I wrapped my arms around her and she leaned her head back on my shoulder, her gaze once again turned up to the sky. Her hair was still damp and a shiver crossed her body as she shook against mine. It only made me hold her tighter and she sighed again, a cute smile gracing her face.

"I just want this forever." she let out in a low tone as I felt her hand on one of my thighs. "You and me together and nothing else."

I remained silent but held my breath without really realizing it. I could feel the warmth of her body on mine, I could feel her hair tickling gently my neck, I could smell her shampoo, the mix of honey and vanilla invading me... and I wanted to tell her that it's what I had planned, too. I wanted to tell her that spending my life with her was not scaring me, that it was exciting me, making me impatient and overjoyed... but I remained silent. I didn't know how it make me feel other than fear and some bad stomach twisting.

"Do you remember how we always used to get on top of my roof and watch the stars?" she finally wondered in a sweet tone.

I felt her hand squeeze my arm gently and I smiled at the memories.

"I do."

"And sometimes you'd bring your guitar and play for me." she added quickly.

"I brought it." I let out, staring at the flames of the fire near us. "And there's a song I want to sing to you."

She moved in my arms and turned slightly to look at me better. After a while, I gave in and looked at her, my eyes roaming on her face. I hadn't really planned to play her my new song, I thought i'd wait until it was finished, but at that exact moment, I really wanted her to hear it. I wanted to bring her into the process of my writing and my music and I was not sure why.

"Go get your guitar!" she urged me with a smile, her eyebrows raised.

I chuckled and quickly got up, running to the car to get it and grabbed the sweater I left on the backseat at the same time. When I came back, she was laying down, her arms under her head staring up at the stars. I stayed motionless a few seconds just looking at her and when she noticed me, her lips curled more and she sat up, turning my way. I handed her my sweater as I sat in front of her and she thanked me before putting it on. I had this fascination with her wearing my clothes and I bit my bottom lip for a few seconds before clearing my throat and letting my fingers run on the strings.

"Okay tell me everything." she asked, moving her legs up and wrapping her arms around her knees. "What's the song about? Are you thinking about a solo career?"

"Maybe." I asked, raising my eyebrows, a bit unsure of her reaction. "What would you say?"

"I'd say you're the most talented person I've ever met and that you should totally go for it."

I chuckled, raising my nose up. "You're a bit biased."

"I'm not." she shrugged, leaning her chin on one of her knees. "I can recognize talent when I see it. You just also happen to be my best friend and the love of my life."

She shrugged again and I smiled more before nodding.

"The song is about you, but also not really." I tried to explain as she frowned. "It's a concept song, but I also wrote it thinking about you and how... i'd feel without you."

She stared at me a few minutes and tilted her head, squinting a bit before licking her lips. I knew she was curious and I knew my words didn't really make sense but after a while, she pressed her lips together and nodded.

"You know, you don't have to write about me." she pointed out in a low tine. "I don't want you to feel like you have to write songs about me if you don't feel like it."

I felt my heart melt a bit at her words and bent closer to her, raising my eyebrows.

"I want to." I let out just as low. "I have to. I can't help it."

She ended up nodding again after a while and I tried to focus on my fingers as I started singing.

"Waking up to kiss you and nobody's there The smell of your perfume still stuck in the air It's hard

Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running 'round It's funny how things never change in this old town So far From the stars

And I want to tell you everything The words I never got to say the first time around And I remember everything From when we were the children playing in this fairground Wish I was there with you now

If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you Drive highways and byways to be there with you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you Mmmmm

I saw that you moved on with someone new In the pub that we met he's got his arms around you It's so hard So hard

And I want to tell you everything The words I never got to say the first time around And I remember everything From when we were the children playing in this fairground Wish I was there with you now

'Cause if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you Drive highways and byways to be there with you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room Them butterflies—they come alive when I'm next to you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you

And I know that it's wrong That I can't move on But there's something 'bout you

'Cause if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you Drive highways and byways to be there with you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room Them butterflies—they come alive when I'm next to you Over and over the only truth Everything comes back to you Mmmm Everything comes back to you Mmmm"

When I ended the song, all I could hear was the thumping of my heart against my chest. I looked at her and she looked back at me in a way I couldn't decipher. I hadn't realized before this exact moment how desperate I was for her approval and how much her opinion meant to me. She let go of her knees and crossed her legs. Her hands were hidden in the sleeves of my sweater that she was wearing and she glanced down before quickly looking up in my eyes, licking her lips.

"Which parts are about me?"

I hadn't expected this question and instead to enumerate all the parts of the song that I wrote thinking about her, I let out the only thing that felt completely true to me.

"'Everything comes back to you,'"

Her traits softened and she sent me a small smile, blinking a few times.

"I'll never leave you, I hope you know that. I'll never find someone new. It was always you, Niall, and it will always be you."

                                                 -----

Most of july had been quite warm and now that it was almost over, I tried to enjoy it as much as I could. I was about to get into recording a few songs, working on an album and promoting it. Still, I had wanted to work on the Horan and Rose event even if I knew I was about to be very busy. For the very first time, I had brought Olivia as my official date, which was not something very usual for me or for her, but I had insisted a bit and she had given in.

It was late when we got back and maybe we had drank a bit more than intended but still not enough to be drunk, just to be slightly tipsy. She laughed at all my jokes and for some reason, it made me feel good.

"Although very beautiful, that dress is fuckin' uncomfortable." she admitted as we stepped foot inside. "And the shoes are even worse."

It had taken her an eternity to pick a dress even if I thought she looked amazing in every single one she tried on.

"You're such a softie." I joked with a laugh.

"A girl has the right to enjoy her sweatpants, can't she?"

"Such a hypocrite!" I laughed again. "You love when I wear a suit!"

She smirked and turned to me, taking a few steps my way as she nibbled on her bottom lip.

"I do. And when you wear sweatpants too. Oh, and golf pants, they help showing how incredible your ass is."

I laughed again and bent down to press my lips against hers.

"I'll remember that." I winked, making her chuckle.

"As if you didn't already know that!"

I watched her get upstairs and quickly followed her. My hands found her waist as soon as I reached her and I bent down slightly to kiss her neck. I would rarely see her with her hair up but she looked pretty and I smiled when a few tiny hairs coming out of her ponytail tickled my nose.

"Niall James Horan, are you trying to get in my pants?"

I laughed and shook my head, making her tilt hers on the side. I let my lips run on her skin again and I could swear I heard her whimper.

"More like under your dress."

She laughed lightly and turned around in my arms. Seeing her smile made mine grow and I moved forward, obliging her to take a few steps back as my hands reached for the zipper of her dress. I slowly moved it down and she smiled more.

"Are you gonna keep your suit on?" she asked, her cute smile turning into a smirk.

"Not all night, no." I smiled too.

"No I meant, are you gonna keep your suit on while I ride you?"

My eyes roamed on her face and I knew she could see all the lust I felt in the way I was looking at her. She took a step back and I kept silent as she pulled on her dress. She stood in front of me in her underwear and even if I knew she felt self-conscious, I couldn't help but let my eyes travel on her body slowly, catching every curve. I ended up smiling more and decided to sit on my bench, smirking when I remembered there was a mirror right on front of it.

She licked her lips again and reached for the tie in her hair, sliding it down her ponytail gently. Her hair fell in a cascade over her shoulders and the pink on her cheeks made me want to be rough with her.

"Come here." I let out. "And get on your knees, petal."

Slowly, she did what I asked and when I felt her hand wrap around my cock, I breathed through my teeth. I looked at her back in the mirror and reached around her to unclasp her bra. Her mouth on my growing cock felt incredible and her pace didn't falter at all when I gripped her hair to help her head move up and down.  The way her tongue and lips moved on me made me want to thrust deeper in her mouth until I came and I felt one of my legs shake at how close I already was.

"Get up and straddle me."

I let go on the air I was holding when she stopped touching me and I watched her get up and take her panties off. She was naked and I was still completely dressed, making her look suddenly more vulnerable than I thought was possible. Slowly, she put her knees on each side of me and sat on my lap. Her lips reached mine and I quickly deepened the kiss to taste her.

"Get up on your knees, pet." I whispered. "I want to touch you."

Keeping her lips against mine, she did what I asked and I quickly slipped one of my hands between her legs. She twitched when it rubbed gently on her clit and I smiled more. I slid two fingers inside her, making her moan in my mouth, but remained motionless for a few seconds.

"Fuck yourself on my fingers. Do it like it's my cock."

She didn't make me tell her twice and started bouncing on my fingers, coating them quickly and making me groan low. Her moans were getting louder and she shook her head to push her hair behind her shoulders. Watching her all fucked like that made me even harder and without thinking, I took my fingers away and grabbed her waist, pushing her down on me. Her skin was burning on my palms and I pressed my fingers more against her skin, hoping it would leave an imprint on her.

"Jesus christ." I let out when I was completely inside her, "Fuck me petal, do it."

She quivered lightly but just started moving over me again as I let go of her to give her full control. I felt my cock slip in and out of her fast and hard and every single time I was balls deep inside her, I could feel her clench around me. I tried to keep my hands to myself, just watching her breasts move right in front of my face but after a while, I couldn't resist.

"You feel so fucking good." I let out with a short moan, bringing my hand to her chest. "I love when you do exactly what I ask you."

Swiftly, I slapped one of her breasts, making her moan and shake over me.

"Don't stop," I ordered, spanking her hard before slapping her breast again. "Keep riding me."

Seeing her ride me was incredible but the pleasure was multiplied whenever I would glance at the mirror, watching her also from behind, her body bouncing and shaking at the same time. I moved closer and ran my lips on her shoulder as she kept fucking herself on me. I sucked a few spots as I ran my hands on her waist and breasts and when I felt her fingers slip in my hair to grip it tight, I let out a moan.

"Niall, I'm gonna cum." her voice came to me in a mix of a whisper and a whimper and when her body started jerking over mine, I felt her clench hard around me, making me reach my orgasm too.

I grabbed her waist and pushed her hard against me as I moved my hips up to feel myself as deep as possible inside her. I let out a few curse words and when my name escaped her lips again in a moan, I felt myself get dizzy from the feeling. We were both a panting mess and she brought her parted lips to mine. We kissed very slowly as I let my fingertips run on her burning skin until we both came down from out high.

"Thanks for inviting me tonight." she said shyly after pulling away, nibbling on her bottom lip. "I know you had to insist a lot, but i'm glad you did."

"T'was my pleasure."

She sent me a fond smile and finally got off of me before staring at me and tilting her head. I tucked my cock back in my boxers and ran my fingers through my now messy hair.

"How hot was it to be dressed while I was completely naked?" she asked, making me laugh.

"The truth? Very hot." She grimaced and I laughed more. "Come on, go get those damn sweatpants."

She laughed as she left the room and I decided to go back downstairs to grab water bottles for both of us. I saw the tags of her dress we had left on the counter since we were in a hurry and threw them in the bin but what I saw made me stop all movements. I bent down to grab the box laying there and I could swear my heart stopped beating. It was impossible, we had been cautious, right? She was on the contraceptive pills, wasn't she? Then why did she felt the need to get a pregnancy test without even telling me. In an impulse, I searched through the bin to find the white stick that would tell me the result and when I realized my search was useless, I just ran back upstairs.

"I decided on your oldest pair of sweatpants, I hope it's okay." she let out as she turned around, probably hearing me rush in the room.

Her face immediately changed when she noticed what i was holding and her lips parted. I could read fear in her eyes and she shook her head slightly.

"It's not what you think..."

"You're pregnant?"

I barely even realized that these words came out of my mouth and as soon as I let them out, time seemed to stop. My whole body was throbbing with fear and so many thoughts rushed to my brain that I could barely think.

"No!"

I thought that i'd feel relieved when I would hear that word but my body was still tensed, my hand gripping the box so tight it started hurting.

"No, Niall, of course not!" she took a step my way. "I would have told you."

"Really? Because you didn't tell me you thought you could be."

Her face changed and she frowned, looking down. I knew she felt guilty but I couldn't seem to feel bad for her at that exact moment.

"I woke up one day, realized I was late, bought a test and did it. It was negative so I thought hey, no big deal." she explained with a shrug before looking back up in my eyes. "It's not like I waited weeks or anything, it was all in the span of a few hours and you were out."

Realizing I had kept my air in, I exhaled slowly, trying to relax my body and finally closed my eyes before rubbing them. I didn't want to be mad at her and if I wanted to be honest, it was a bit wrong of me to be mad anyway. I knew she just wanted to spare me the stress, I just wasn't sure I liked that we kept things from each other.

"If this happens again, I want to know, even if it's negative."

She nodded and I sighed again, walking up to her and taking her in my arms. We hugged for a few seconds and I finally moved back.

"Let's just sleep."

I walked to the bathroom and brushed my teeth before getting undressed and throwing my dirty clothes in the laundry basket. When I came back, the lights were off and she was already laying down in bed. I walked up to her and sat on the mattress,noticing the frame on the bedside table with our young faces on it. I smiled despite myself, not being able to read the little card placed in the corner but knowing exactly what was written on it.

"I love you, Olivia."

I felt her move behind me and closed my eyes when I felt her chest press against my bare back. She leaned her chin on my shoulder and I felt a shiver cross my back.

"I love you too, Niall." she murmured. "I'm so sorry."

[pbandjesse]

Today was another excellent day. I didnt get to do as much like. Straight up art stuff but it was a good day none the less. And I think Im making friends!! Wonderful. 

I did end up talking to James last night about switching the sides of the bed we sleep on. And I actually think it helped. I wasnt as hot and I fell asleep a little easier. I did get woken up by James walking over me in the morning but that was fine. Well see how it goes tonight. 

I did sleep good though. I woke up at 6 and was a little confused about what time it was. But I realized I still could sleep more and did just that. 

I woke up at 730 and made the bed and went and got washed up. I felt so super cute today. I big hoops and felt so good about myself. I would end up putting my hair in braids later in the day because it was so humid but man my hair looked so good this morning. 

I was a little nervous though because our tires needed air and I felt uncomfortable doing that. But James continues to be amazing and drove with me around the corner and put air in, and then he walked home so I wouldnt be late. Also he remembered my lunch when I forgot it. Best boy. 

I was exactly on time to get Charlotte. and we had a good ride out. Got to the camp and we were right on time. 

But that meant there was limited parking. I still got a spot but it was a close thing. And then we had a line to get out temperatures taken. Charlotte got to skip the line to go to her ropes training. But I waited and it was all good. 

Once I was cleared to go I went up to the art building and dropped my stuff off. Hung up the quilt I made. And went to the Council Ring, which is like a little amphitheater. We all met there and did a lot of group meetings today there. 

I felt weirdly alone. We were all trying to sit 6 feet apart but I  dont know. I felt more apart. It got better throughout the day but I am still having trouble with feeling alone in a crowd. 

I had a lot of fun though. We did some get to know you games and I got to share some fun facts about myself and learn about others. It was a good time. 

I got to learn a lot today though and that was good. Just about camp and things. And I got to hang out with some people and do chores. 

Honestly I dont think Ive ever felt as much as myself as I do there. Working in the art shack, cleaning things at a spigot. Being just a little dirty. Its good. I feel really happy. 

There was some stress. Bad storms. One and off. And some just general work issues because of schedule concerns. But that will get worked out. 

One of the sillier parts of the day I was working in the shack cleaning the tables and I was thinking about how to keep the kids separate and safe from germs. And I had an idea about a table barrier and so I walked down to the office to inquire about building this. But instead they said why dont I worked outside on the picnic tables, and I was like. Cool but also its like really bumpy and I dont wanna. So instead we moved the art tables outside. 

I needed a little helped though. I moved all the picnic benches myself and then some girls came and helped with the smaller benches. And then some boys came and helped me when I got it in my head that I needed a table inside still and wanted that table to be a picnic bench. Which turned out to be way heavier then anticipated and they complained the whole time but we got that sucker in there!!

The rest of the day was meetings and snacks and games. I was getting pretty tired but the last game we played was singing and that was a good time. Once of the things I like most about camp is that I dont have to be afraid of embarrassing myself. And like seeing all these 20 somethings singing their hearts out to camp songs was just really lovely. I am really excited for this summer. 

We had one more meeting with the specialty staff and leaders. Which went fine but there was some contensions were going to have to discuss more tomorrow. And then it started really storming bad. Lightening and stuff. It was pretty to see. 

I walked with Cj, the homestead girl I think is my best camp friend, and we talked about our game plan and I offered her bees wax Ive been carting around to legit 4 differnt studios. She was really excited about that. And I went up tp the art building. 

It started storming really bad. The building has a tin roof and it was very loud and a little scary. But I got my best couple things done, cleaned up a little more, and waited to see if it was going to calm down at all. 

And once it did I went and met Charlotte at the office and off home we went. 

It was a fun ride with her, she loves to be outraged about things and start fake wars with other parts of camp that she is not a part of. Like despite loving the people in it, she hates the horse camp and things they should have every nice thing taken from them and listening to her yell about it was hilarious. 

We also talked about living on camp next year. Which honestly if this year works out and they want me back I may do. Talking to James he might do it to, or at least apply to. No idea what we would do to take care of sweetp (bring with??) but its something to consider now. 

After I dropped off Charlotte I went to burger king and then had to take a detour home because I think either a protest or a Juneteenth celebration was happening today on North Avenue. Unclear. But I just hope everyone is safe. 

Once I got home I had dinner and fed sweetP and played animal crossing. It only took 2 tickets to get a new villager I wanted, Bones the dog. I was so excited because I had said to myself in the car I would keep searching until I found Apollo or Bones. And I found Bones!! Very exciting and good. 

James got to come home early because the restaurant was slow.  We both got showers and now we are just resting. 

I am going to go paint my nails and get ready to go to sleep. I hope you are all having a good night, reflecting on what Juneteenth is, and reminding those around you that you love them. 

Goodnight everyone. 

[merrysithmas]

this is extremely random, but id like your take on the matter. if theo got asked if he was a virgin when he was in school (after vegas) what do you think he would say? do you think he would a) tell the truth (very unlikely) b) lie and say he forgot (i dont even remember man i was fucked up aha) c) lie and make up a fake woman and fake story or d) (and this ones my absolute fav hc) he steals boris' losing his virginity story (i was trying to get some cig nd then we went back to her car aha )

I think he’d lie sheepishly or just stoically and unamusedly Not Answer. I don’t think Theo masters the art of Supreme Bullshittery until he’s older and then can on a dime smarmily bold-face lie to people while looking them straight in the eyes. Interestingly, that’s a talent he develops once he gets back to New York. It is a New talent for him — an interesting coping tactic he develops post-Boris that he didn’t have, need, or want before when he had Boris. Hmm. An interesting thing indeed.

But yeah LMAO your idea that he steals Boris’ losing virginity story is hilarious. Esp bc it’s coming from like a tiny street urchin child that looks like he should be in James and the Giant Peach. I can see him blurting that out to Hadley and she’s like Riiiiiiight. Lmao.

Also poor Theo he’s soooooooooo deeply repressed the concept of losing his virginity must be a huge staggering minefield in his brain considering he gave it up to Boris, a dude, and he’s Not Gay, and kansksjsj his whole life Boris is the guy he lost his V-card to like - can you imagine them seeing one another 10 years later, young adult Boris: peppy be-ringed criminal syndicate ringleader staring at this grown young adult Theo dressed to the absolute nines, oozing status and propriety, and thinking how once upon a time he had this prim pressed suited person’s total vulnerability under his thumb?

Two terrorized kids fumbling around in the solace of each other’s intimacy, dark rooms and small hours, locked eyes and racing hearts and Theo nodding okay and Boris, brutal little Boris who no one loves or trusts seeing that —that allowance — and thinking okay back. Seeing that and thinking he’s worth something. Even in his drug-addled brain and in the morning after, the years after, reflects on it and realizes back when people (even his own father) treated him like a disposable piece of garbage someone thought he was something special — special enough to give him that permission. Commit him to eternal memory. Theo’s first person. Permanent ink. Back when Boris was all ratty teenaged bluster and bravado — compulsively proud of himself for racking up a notch on his belt, deep inside he knew that it was just an ugly adolescent varnish over some real priceless moment, simply waiting to peel and reveal itself to him.

That’s something adult Boris and Theo can never put behind them and always sizzles right on the edge of acknowledgement during their every convo. That vulnerability and trust Theo gave to Boris — and how Boris feels he betrayed it. How he swears he’s going to make it right so Theo can look at him the way he did before. Because he can’t get those eyes out of his memory — the ones Theo, shell-shocked and terrified, finally gives him again when Boris pushes him out of the car in Amsterdam. I’ll meet you in a few days, he says, agonized in pain in the driver’s seat.

Okay, say Theo’s eyes, finally, that whole-heart giving, stuck to him like glue, too scared to move, and Boris has waited all these years to see that expression again but he can’t even look. Distracts himself with the heinous traffic. Wants to give himself something to fight towards as the blood loss makes his toes cold and his vision slant strangely as the snow falls. Go! he commands instead, startling Theo to action and winces sharply once he turns his back and gets his footing on the ice.

[shametheshadow]

It's been a while. A lot of shit's been going on since I was last kinda active. Sorry, I dont remember how to hide this under a read more line... feel free to scroll past if you arent in the mood for existential whinging. I got a new job and it's pleasant. The people are nice. It's still food, but it's at a fancy restaurant where the management actually cares and tries to keep their crew happy. The hours could be better and I'm currently sick of salads with how many I've made. They give hours based on reliability and if you're a hard worker who is nice to work with. But like... everybody is nice and hard working so it's hard to just muscle in sometimes. But on the positive side I've dropped ten pounds, probably thanks to how light my wallet is. Had an issue with my little brother. Well, there's been an unspoken issue for years that I've been trying to just give him space on, but it finally came to a head. I called him out and he said some pretty hurtful things. I saw him on Christmas, but it wasnt the same. I think it kind of damaged something between us, or at the very least it certainly has me. I think, as people, we build these pillars of absolute truths into our identities. The things we know without a doubt, that we can rely on to stay true even when things are bad. Like, that the sky is blue or that a parent we have will always love us. When those truths are shaken they really make you wonder what else could be wrong or if there was ever any truth in it to begin with. For me, no matter how bad I felt or hated myself, I knew I could be a good sister. I'd throw myself down for it. I have done so, unfortunately, many times before. We all see the world a little differently, so my truth may not be the truth someone else sees. I dont know whether that makes it any better, but I certainly feel unsure about more things now than I used to. Some days I even feel like giving up on our relationship. I'm just too tired, too worn down, and I don't think I can handle being called a failure again. Which sucks, because I dont really want to. I just want to know how to fix it, even though I'm not sure I have any more energy to try again if it's just going to lead to another failure. And on top of all of that my bio dad and all those siblings are tasting the bitter consequences of their actions. My youngest sister got taken away from her parents because instead of breaking up and being adults about it they have to be petty and cowardly. One has unchecked anger issues mixed with plenty of excuses and the other thinks she's owed some sort of respect despite her immature actions. Thing is, I've had plenty of talks with my bio dad about the effects their toxic relationship have on his 6 year old daughter. He knows. He isnt stupid or blind. He'd just rather keep it going despite everyone's unhappiness and dig a deeper hole so he doesn't have to risk losing custody of his daughter if they break up. And here we are now. With his daughter taken away and given to our 21 year old sister who doesn't have a clue. And they've failed to regain custody once already. And you know the fucking hilariously tragic part of it? Me and my sister Des are the only two without some sort of record so nobody else in the family can help. Just a fucking warning for any teens out there who think being a gangster is cool, life always has consequence. Doing drugs, selling pills, pimping, stealing cars, assault, having unregistered weapons... my family has probably done just about anything. Apparently my bio dad's stepfather even threatened to shoot my grandma once. There's an argument to made about the environment they all grew up in, but I really wish people would just have the self awareness to realize that things will always find a way to bite you in the ass and it's it big enough then it'll get the people around you too. I normally get my sister on weekends, but I need to work Saturdays as a requirement for my employment. I try to cut it short so I can be there when they drop her off, but half the time they dont and send her somewhere she isnt supposed to go. I'm risking my job trying to be there when I'm needed, just for them to change their mind at the last second because I wasnt home soon enough. They'd rather risk losing our sister to the system by breaking the rules. CPS doesn't play around. I've had to tell them two or three times that I couldn't take our sister because I was sick or dealing with some really stressful family stuff that Koral didnt need to be there to see. Every time I feel like the punishment is that they stop letting me see her by not bringing her over anymore. Then out of the blue they call on a weekday and ask if I can take her because she has a day off or something. I have never once said no but every time it sends me into an anxiety attack because I can't handle being kept in the dark until they need me. It's got me so worked up that sometimes I genuinely wish I had never been told my dad wasnt my real dad. Of course, I know that by knowing I can help a little girl who needs help, but I wont lie and say that I never wished I didn't have time deal with any of it. I got the news today that my bio dad is in trouble for something else, though they wouldn't say what. So they arent going to give him custody until that's settled at the very least. Shortly into it my sister had asked me to take over the guardianship. I was so out of the loop that I thought the question was absurd. I thought they'd pull it together and get her back in a short time, so what would the point of moving her to another town and school be? How would I go about that? What would the home requirements be? Would I be able to provide for the both of us? I wouldn't be able to leave work until 4 at the earliest shift, so would after school stuff be best or daycare? There's so much that goes into taking care of a kid to just spring that question onto someone. Now it's been four or five months and I'm hating the idea that she's stuck there in the middle of it all more and more. People keep telling me I should take her. Even my manager after I broke down and told him everything after my sister's call left me a mess at work, said that I would be the better option. I know what it's like to be fought over in custody battles and I understand way too well the fear of being taken away from your home as well as what it's like to change schools. I dont want that for Koral. I dont even know if I would be the better option. I talked to my cousin, whom I live with, about it for a while last night and she said she wouldn't be opposed to having Koral with us... but I feel bad making this her issue too. I want what is best for my sister. She's way too smart. You know when unqualified pet owners get a dog breed that is really smart and they struggle to meet the needs to keep it entertained so it just makes trouble? That is what my sister is like. My family has their strengths, but Koral is 6 and could run circles both physically and mentally around them. It might be "funny" now, but Lansing itself is a shitty influence on people and by the time she's a teenager and wants to go to a party, nothing is going to keep her from getting out short of bars on the windows and doors. The only thing stopping her from doing it now is motive. But would I do any better? I genuinely dont know. I wish I could talk to my brother about it. He knows where I come from and, even if he thinks I failed, he could at least tell me how to be better so I dont fuck up again for a little girl who is in a situation similar to one we were in. I asked Des today if she wanted to talk to their case worker about transfering guardianship. She said she's have to talk to her dad... which is bullshit. He lost the right to dictate where Koral goes when he fucked up. How is he supposed to be motivated to fix this if the only thing that has changed is that she doesn't sleep in her bedroom anymore? He shouldn't see her when he wants to or be able to say what happens to her. And I dont say that because I think he shouldn't ever be able to, because I want him to step it up, I just feel like he wont if things keep going as they are. I dont want to lose my sister to the system. Supposedly the social worker said that Koral also has to stay in the same school and can't see anyone not on the already approved list of people for the sake of consistency... but that's stupid. I know that changing schools can be traumatizing, and if Lansing was a good place to live and raise a kid, then maybe I'd try to make that work, but it isnt. So it makes me wonder that if I came to the table with a clearly stable, appealing plan would they change their minds? If it were my choice, I'd have her in therapy to help deal with everything, maybe a sport like gymnastics or whatever else she might be interested in to keep her engaged. I'm planning a kids d&d session for her and another kiddo that she plays with when she's here because last time she found my monster manual and got obsessed. And I know it wont be all good. She's a handful and a brat, and she can be a force of nature when she doesn't get her way, but I've been an older sister since I was five and my family didnt out up with bratty behavior. I know how to deal with it, and I also know how to use the internet and other resources to learn. Hell, I live with a child therapist/youth minister. I know I could do it. Even if it ended up being a permanent thing. I'm torn between the fear of not being enough at the expense of my sister's wellbeing and knowing that I'd gladly twist myself into a pretzel to try and do right. But when it comes to other people, especially a kid, is trying enough? Good intentions don't equal a quality of living. So yeah, that's where I am right now. Trying to be better and figure out who I am while also being incredibly stressed out and lost. If you read through this, thank you for listening to this TED talk. I'm open to advice.

[scarlettkat86]

Eyy, @fluttyseed, remember the stripper Sharky fic idea? Well I took it and did a little less funny and a little more steamy. Hope you enjoy. Also tagging @deaconmcsexypants and @jacobmybeloved for reading snippets, appreciate yall. Theres also stripper sharky edits at the end because I have no shame.

Characters: female dep/rook, brief Hurk Jr, Sharky Boshaw.

Word Count: 1584

Warnings: Um, its a stripper fic, so if steamy lap dances and sharky taking his clothes off aint your thing turn away now. 

Notes: Sharky’s stagename is from a disco song of the same name by Boney M, and the song he chooses to dance to is Fire and Gold by Bobby Saint

"There is literally nothing to do in this town." Rook huffed, slouching down into the couch. "What's there to do other then betting on which local a start a fight down at the Spread Eagle?"

Hurk Jr. takes a seat beside her, shotgunning a beer before he answers. "Well amigo, we can always get wasted and let the pigs loose at the Woodsons farm. Think I could ride 'em like one of those fancy rodeo cowboys!?" 

Rook laughs at the image but shakes her head. "No way dude. Last time you and Sharky blew up a silo and set a barn on fire when i took yall cow tippin." She leans over putting an arm around Hurks shoulder. "Speaking of Sharky, where is he? Does he still think I'm gonna arrest him, cause that was just a joke."

Hurk jumps up from the couch, knocking over a few beer cans from the side table and points an acquisitive finger in her face. "You was serious that day man! I ain't ever seen someone ticked off as you was. If he hadn't of saved your ass from that bull man, you'd have taken us both in!" 

Rook stifles a laugh before pushing his hand from her face. "That'd make me an accessory to a list of crimes I'd rather not admit to being a part of." She sees his face twist with amusement, then he flicks her nose. 

"Dang, you know what. Bonafide disaster of a cop cause you're always aiding our criminal adventures, but you're the best damn friend I ever had." He rubs his thumb along his goatee then says, "I tell you what. I'll let you in on where Sharkys at, but you've gotta sweeten the deal for me brobafet."

"You insult me, then insist I sweeten the deal, seriously?"

"I'm deadly serious, like a ninja. I ain't blind and I know what you're gonna see tonight will be far more better then anythin' you could imagine. Now, what I want is simple. I wanna use your jeep while you visit Sharky at his new job. That's it."

After a few stipulations, Rook drove the 40 minutes to the next town over. "That's it!" Hurk yelled. A neon sign read, 'The Swinging Sirloin Bar'. 

"You mean to tell me I drove nearly a hour to pound a few back in some sleezy bar?!" She says squinting her eyes at Hurk.

"Whoa whoa whoa. That's somethin' I don't need to know. Now a deal's a deal amigo." Hurk says with his ears covered. She's confused, nothing she said should make him cringe like that. Rook stepped out of the jeep and he took over the driver's seat. 

"I'll see ya tomorrow amigo, dont worry Sharky won't mind riding you. Shit, what I meant was giving you a ride. In his car. Oh hell, just...bye!" He stammers and flies out of the parking lot.

That was...odd. Opening the door to the bar, everything suddenly makes sense as her ears are assaulted by women hollering and catcalling. She sees a stage with a semi naked man gyrating on a random woman seated on stage. To her right is a hallway with multiple doors, and to the left is the bar. She makes her way over, taking a seat at the end furthest from stage. Her cheeks flush, not for the sight in the room, but because she thought this was a hole in the wall bar. That serves steak. Not a strip club. 

The bartender makes his way over. "The names Seth. What can I get you beautiful?" 

Rook shrugs her shoulders, "Whiskey sour I guess. I'm here to see a friend, maybe you can point me to him? Goes by Sharky."

The man behind the counter slides her drink to her. "Only know stage names and faces, got a description?"

There's a loud commotion center stage, the man on stage now had his head up the back side of the random womans skirt, seemingly motorboating her ass. Rook curses, horrified but unable to look away. "Do uh, do all your dancers get so, hands on?"

Seth raises an eyebrow. "Well now, are you curious to find out, or jealous the friend your crushing on feels up on all the ladies in the same way?"

Rook snaps her head back around glaring daggers at the bartender. "What! How did you, I mean no. I'm not... jealous." She folds her arms across her chest. "I'm-Oh. Oh my God, he's a stripper?" She pulls her phone from her jeans and shows his picture to Seth.

"Crushing on Daddy Cool? His no touch rule drives the women crazy." Rook chokes on her drink, spewing it all over the counter. 

"He's got time for a private dance. Or you can wait for his shift to end." He laughs pouring her another drink and wiping up the mess. "But if you wait, some other woman will probably take his last dance."

That's how Rook found herself sitting on a questionable leather couch in a dimly lit room, waiting.

Ten minutes felt like an eternity, before she finally heard the door open. She resists the urge to turn around and face him when he starts speaking. 

"First things first, I got a couple ground rules. One, no touching unless you have my consent, two, hav-" Sharky stops dead in his tracks when he finally comes face to face with his customer. He twists the owl ring on his left finger, opening and closing his mouth before finding his voice again. "Uh, he-hey shorty. What uh, how-why are you here?"

Rook stretches her arms out, relaxing into the couch. "Well isn't it obvious? I've been missing you lately. Now I know why you've been gone." 

"I ain't been avoiding you if that's what you're thinkin'. Just need extra cash, and well with my record'n all..."

"Well I've got plenty of extra cash." 

"Hell dep, I can't ask for your money, I-"

Laughter bubbled up from Rook, catching him off guard. She stood up, placing her hand on his shoulder, whispering in his ear. "I don't want you to ask. I wanna see your skills, Daddy Cool." She watches as he pulls out his phone, unsure if he's actually gonna strip. Maybe it was the way she purred his stage name in his ear, maybe it was part of his act, but the next thing she knew, he's carrying her to a chair in the center of the room. Music she's never heard before starts playing and Sharky starts circling her. It's an odd song choice, she's beginning to think he's joking but then his hand reaches from behind and wraps around her neck, the other tracing her shoulder and chest. His lips graze her ear, "Remember, no touching." 

The song slows to a sensual beat and he's rolling his hips in sync with the rhythm. He slides across the floor, hands on her knees, pushing her legs apart. Her breath catches in her throat when he slides his hips between her legs, grinding against her. He leans back enough to pull the white tshirt off, wrapping it around her shoulders before running his hands down his chest. She slips her hands down his back feeling his muscles contract with each roll of his hips. Suddenly he's moving away from her, a playful smirk tugging the corners of his mouth. "Shame dep. I had one rule and you've already gone'n broke it." He sways his hips, thumbs tucked behind the waist of his jeans. "Maybe I should go?"

Rook is flustered, what she thought was going to be hilarious, is actually turning her on more than she wants to admit. She turns her head to the side, clearing her throat. "No. Don't- don't stop." She hates how desperate that came out. 

Sharky nods his head, sliding his hands to the button on his jeans. He bites his lip as he pops the button open, turning his back to her, moving his body until they drop to the floor. Sharky looks back over his shoulder and slaps his ass. Rook giggles at the sight, though the orange thong actually looks like sin on him, then he's striding her way. He puts one leg up on the arm of the chair and takes her ponytail, pulling it free, grabbing fistfuls of loose hair. 

He starts singing with the music "I need it, jesus. Burn baby burn." Pulling her head to his waist and snapping his hips. She can't resist the urge to grab his thighs, and he makes no move to stop her this time. Her cheeks are hot as his erection brushes against her chin. He pulls her head back, leaving kisses along her jaw and neck as he slides his body back down. Instinctively she wraps her legs around his hips. Sharky cups her ass, picking her up, and begins rocking against her. The music stops but neither of them seem to notice. Rook smashes her lips to his, all teeth and tongue. She pulls away as she realizes she's just kissed him. He gently lowers her back to her feet, taking a few awkward steps back. 

"I um, I don't know what came over me..I" 

He shakes his head, "Shit dep I didn't mind whatever that was."

"I wasn't finished. I was gonna see if you wanted to take me back to your place, finish what you started here?" 

"Hell yeah, but just so we're clear, you started this."

[sad3girl]

STRANGER THINGS SPOILERS

I can’t believe El lost her powers, I literally cannot and is she going to get them back? How is that going to affect her? Considering she relied on it so much it could be compared to losing one of her senses or even her limbs, and all of that ON TOP of losing her father?

And then not 3 months later she has to move away from her emotional anchors Mike and Max (which they may have just become friends but they had a real connection).

Also is Hopper the “Not the American” they are talking about at the mid credits?? And if so how is that going to come into play?

I don’t really like that I can probably predict that a good portion of ‘the Drama’ next season is going to be that they definitely drifted apart after the move like you can tell they are aiming for that and it would feel like such a cliché and just ooc tbh after everything they went through. Though I hope I’m wrong and the Duffer Bros dont go about it that way.

But how are they Byers+El going to come back to Hawkins? Is it going to be during a visit? Or maybe Bauman is going to discover the truth about Hopper (if he is still alive) and drag them back? Who even knows.

The paper storyline kinda annoyed me but I still feel it was important to showcase that, because it was a reality of the time. and while Nancy was definitely a cry baby about it with Johnathan, he did really realize how it affected her, so they were both in the wrong.

At the beginning Max making El mad at Mike annoyed me until El spied on the boys, then I was like give em hell honey. And honestly, I am Max in all situations and I think it just annoyed me I never really see the guys side, only my friend’s hurt and go into all of the guys flaws, but that is normal friendship so in the end I loved it.

I really liked the girls bonding, even if at first about boys, after that they started bonding about so much more. I like that they didn’t just throw the friendship at us like ‘yep they friends now’ but we saw how they became friends.

Lucas and Mike were teenage dumbasses but they were hilarious. Except when they got into that fight with Will, that made me mad and sad.

When Mike said that Will didn’t even like girls, I know it could be just like a dumb thing to like insult your friend bc he wanted to be with El and Will didn’t get it, but tbh I took it as confirmation that Mike suspects at the very least that Will is gay and is okay with that, but it came out in his frustration after El dumped his ass.

Then Hopper was too much this season, like he was out there dining and dashing basically, stealing cars, beating up the mayor, it was WAY too much.

I loved Robin, and maybe my gaydar is broken bc as soon as she was like I liked Tammy (?) I was like YES THAT MAKES MORE SENSE. And it was awesome bc they were leading you to think that she would be with Steve, especially with Dustin there, but then they are just bffs and Steve doesn’t even mind bc he’s the best. So good.

Also Suzy, hilarious. I wasn’t sure if I believed Dustin or not, but I was like it would be such a cliché if she wasn’t real, but also if she was. So I didn’t even know what I wanted, until I got it and that was defined what I wanted, though the singing scene was way too long and disrupted the pace of the episode.

There are so many things tbh, I can’t even remember everything. But if ANYONE wants to talk about this hit me up bc no one I know has finished it yet and I’m DYING to talk about it.

[lizzieraindrops]

Your chance to make the sun rise thrice (Chapter 2)

a river that still runs (8803 words)

Beth Childs has come to Helsinki to meet her best friend Veera for the first time in the Herbs on the windowsill universe, an alternate timeline where the original Helsinki massacre was prevented and DYAD routed by Clone Club Alpha’s successful publicity stunt back in 2001. Veera Suominen and Niki Lintula survived and decided to live in a little apartment together as qpp’s. Numerous Leda clones worldwide are now in contact via a secure online network that Veera maintains. 

Note: This chapter is a bit heavier than the rest of the AU. Beth is still struggling with a lot of the same challenges in this universe, even if the events causing them are somewhat different because of such early canon divergence. But the whole point of this story is that things can end up okay no matter how rough it's been. She's getting the help she needs and she's gonna be alright. That said, warning for soft discussion of past abuse, the effects of trauma, depression and anxiety, and some suicidal ideation. And of course, lots of love and learning how to heal, with support from her best friend.

Fun fact: Veera's username is 3mika, and she always sets her font to the precise warm turquoise of hex color #2299aa. She thinks she's hilarious, and she's right. 

Also on AO3  |  Playlist  |  Aesthetic sideblog

Part 1: Herbs on the windowsill

Part 2: Someday colors

Part 3: Your chance to make the sun rise thrice  |  Chapter 1  |  Chapter 2  |  Chapter 3

***

Beth wakes on a squashy couch that isn't hers. Morning-soft sunlight pours through the window above her, bouncing back off the walls to fill even the shady corners with a warm secondhand glow. Her limbs are soft, splayed under unfamiliar blankets and sinking into the cushions. She doesn't move yet.

The apartment. Helsinki. Beth's really here. She holds herself still, letting the truth sink into her. She half expects the usual anxious tension to clench her into a ball the instant she moves a muscle, but it isn't there. Neither is the invisible weight that so often pins her immobile. She still wakes frequently with both of them holding her body hostage, keeping her muscles unmoving but restless, even in sleep. Right now though, they're gone. She just lies there, soft beneath the window.

It's quiet but not silent. The occasional car on the little road outside chuckles as it passes. A soft rush of water echoes through pipes in the walls, running toward an early riser in another unit. These sounds fall strangely on Beth's Toronto-bred ears, isolated in the stillness of this of this little apartment on the outskirts of the city. Still, the early-morning atmosphere settles comfortably into her jet-lagged bones, murmuring a rhythm for her to sink into. The temporal upheaval of a transcontinental red-eye and a series of exhausted naps yesterday have left her a little unbalanced. And yet, here she is waking up with the day, and the ground under her feels so much more stable than she’s used to.

Beth breaks her stillness with a deep, deep breath that she can feel expanding all the way down to her feet. She stretches, too, but soon pulls the toes that get exposed back underneath the warm, scratchy blanket. The cushions of the old couch creak a little in complaint as she shifts, but her limbs remain supple. For a time, she just observes the sensations. Then, her awareness spreads beyond the couch and the window to the rest of the room.

All around her, an oddly blocky pattern covers the walls. It's one of the first things she noticed when she walked into the apartment yesterday afternoon. The pattern isn't wallpaper like it appears at first glance, but actually a multitude of small photographs. Most of them are unframed, but taped up in crisply aligned rows. In them, she sees the same face infused with a hundred different lives. Just above her, a sleeping, slack-jawed redhead with bulky headphones around her neck sprawls on the very same couch Beth's laying on now. A few rows down, a brunette and a blonde with their long hair in matching wild waves are leaning all over each other and grinning like devils. One of the few framed photos shows a girl with a hospital-short buzz cut and a delighted expression, sitting in front of what looks like a mouthwatering strawberry shortcake. Beth can see at least six others in the background behind strawberry girl. Among them are Mika with her unmistakable scars and Niki with her bright blonde hair, their arms around each other's shoulders.

Morning light glances off the glossy surfaces of the photos on the west wall. The particularly bright reflection off one of the framed photos draws Beth's eye. With a tiny jolt, Beth recognizes one of her own selfies beneath the glass. In it, she's wearing the same old turquoise blue sweatshirt that's spilling out of her suitcase next to the couch right now. Underneath it, she's wearing her track gear, so the photo is at least two years old. She'd had to quit cross-country so she could try to get the shitshow her life had become under control. She vaguely recalls sending it to Mika a long time ago. It's strange to think that her presence has been in this apartment for so long.

She's here. In Finland. Staying with Mika – Mika - and Niki. Far, far away from everything.

Sprawling on the couch she slept on with a sigh as if she hadn’t a care in the world, Beth can't believe she's really gone and done it. She's run so far away that there's an ocean between her and her problems. It’s so much better than she's dreamed, even if it's only for a little while. It’s worth it, even though she'll be going back far too soon. For the first time in years, it feels like she’s where she’s supposed to be right now.

It had all started out as foolish idea she'd floated one Saturday morning, months ago. She hadn't been serious at all. She'd woken up so relieved at not having to get up and go to work, until she remembered her weekly therapy appointment with a hopeless groan.

Putting off the genuinely daunting prospect of hauling herself out of bed, she reached out to snag her phone from on top of her dresser, checking to see if she'd heard from Mika overnight. After all, Helsinki was nine hours ahead, so Mika had already seen most of the day that was just beginning for Beth. They talked so often these days, since they'd first made contact over two years ago. Rarely a day passed without touching base. But there wasn’t anything since Beth had checked last night. She took it upon herself to send the first message of the day.

runwaterblue: god, i dont wanna get up and deal with any of thsi shit today

After her world fell apart, after finding out about Project Leda, after realizing that all her nightmares and more were real, after her father...

runwaterblue: wish i could come visit u and get away form everything for awhile

Mika replied almost immediately.

3mika: you can

It was evening in her time zone, but to be honest, Beth had no idea if she had anything resembling a regular sleep schedule. The girl was always online.

3mika: though you really should go to your appointment. you always feel better afterward

runwaterblue: howd you know i have therapy today

3mika: you always have an appointment saturday afternoons

runwaterblue: yes but how do you remember that? i cant evne remember my own appts lmao

3mika: you mentioned it months ago when you switched from sundays to saturdays

Beth shook her head with a smile. Mika was so good with details.

3mika: anyway. you’re welcome here, if you can get here

3mika:  it would be great to see you

3mika: Niki wouldn't mind. we've had a bunch of Ledas visit us here, it's always fun

3mika: except that one time Dani and Ary got into a fight over football. some French-Italian team rivalry thing. that was not fun.

Beth laughed. It was funny how Mika was so good at making her do that, even on days like these. She leaned back against her pillow and held her phone over her head without sitting up, being careful not to drop it on her own face. She'd done that before. More times than she'd admit.

runwaterblue: i was kidding. id love to visit, but idk how id get there

runwaterblue: u should see the americans go off abt their football lmao. they're nerly as bad as the hockey freaks here

3mika: pls no

3mika: no more sports. it was a year ago and I’m still exhausted

3mika: sports are banned in this apartment.

Beth snorted. Mika wanted nothing to do with sports of any kind, and with Beth's athletic record, the topic had become a point of mutual teasing between them.

In so many ways, they were such different people, DNA be damned. Mika was reticent where Beth was outgoing. (Or at least, Beth had been. She was never quite sure how to think of herself these days.) Clone drama aside, Beth had been a pretty average Canadian high schooler. She got reasonable grades, played a few sports, and kept mostly out of trouble because there would be hell to pay if she didn’t. Mika was a brilliant homeschooled autistic orphan who had been raised in near isolation by her guardian after surviving the hospital fire that marked her skin for life. Beth mostly listened to pop music, and where no one else could hear, the occasional classical symphony. Mika held fast to Finland's weird obsession with death metal and dabbled in literally everything else.

And yet, Mika understands Beth like no one else does. And it's not just because they've both been through all this Project Leda bullshit. Though Beth doesn't know what she would have done without Mika to help her through that, too.

Beth won't ever be able to forget the moment that everything changed. Recognizing a her own face from the mirror on the evening news stopped her in her tracks, as something in her gut caved in with the hollow certainty that it wasn't her. Then face after face flickered before her, a flipbook barrage of déja vu. Blonde and smiling. Scarred and pensive. Braids and piercings and a rakish grin. Beth was rooted in place as people she had never been wearing things she had never worn said things she was never supposed to know.

That utter strangeness on the screen immediately seeped into her life like an oil slick into a river, tainting every thing she thought she knew with clinging uncertainty. Her father was inexplicably even more upset about it than Beth was, yet adamant that they shouldn't look into the matter. But it was already too late to stop herself from thinking. With slow horror, the truth of what exactly his behavior must mean dawned on her. And yet, even with the desperate growing certainty about who her Leda monitor must be, it was hard to believe that he could be anything other than her plain stern father.

He was always a bit strict and overprotective - probably well more than a bit, she realizes these days. But she’d thought that's just what it was like to be a cop's daughter. He'd never done anything really extreme, nothing beyond the firm discipline any kid could expect. He was just not a man to be trifled with, that was all. So until everything she thought she knew shifted that day and threatened to topple every assumption she’d built her life on, she had never truly dared to cross him.

Outright daring him to say to her face that he wasn't her monitor was probably considered a step beyond trifling. He did not take it kindly.

Two months later, Beth and her mother were living in an apartment on the opposite side of the city. It took two months for the two of them to lay plans to leave together, for good. For two months, her every move was watched. She spent two months knowing there would be hell to pay if she didn't give the performance of a lifetime pretending everything was fine, even while sirens blared inside her day and night. Two months was more than enough to teach her things she never wanted to know about the hidden marks fear leaves on the body.

Even after she finally escaped, her life was in tatters and nothing made sense. It wasn’t just the sudden jarring discovery of Project Leda, or the crisis it had forced her to confront. It was learning that, deep down, she had known that she’d never once felt free. She’d unconsciously kept herself from knowing to avoid exactly that conflict of wills that she’d known she would lose.

Trying to come to terms with what had happened and how it changed everything, Beth was continuously losing her balance. Questioning which parts of her life had been screwed over by her father and which by being part of some ridiculous supervillain science experiment was like trying to stand on two kickboards in a pool. She couldn't find her footing, and all she could do was try and stay afloat. She had to repeat her whole junior year of high school that she lost to this shitshow, while starting over at a new school, and only barely scraped her way into senior year. Now that she knew how honestly terrible she'd been at judging who in her life she could trust, it was as hard to talk to old friends as it was to make new ones.

Therapy helped her start sorting out what she was feeling, and how the environment she’d grown up in was really not the healthiest. She hadn’t realized how much she’d learned to doubt her own perceptions. That made constructing any kind of new understanding of her situation an uphill struggle. And of course, her therapist couldn’t help her confirm anything about a human experiment that was so illegal it had been an international secret. As she continued to stumble forward, Beth even started doubting her former certainty of the identity of her Leda monitor. She questioned herself and everything she knew until she wanted to scream with frustration or weep with confusion. The floor of the counselor’s office could have been mopped with her tears. It was, quite literally, driving her mad.

So, finally, Beth had taken up the invitation on the banner of every Leda news feature to "Contact the secure, clone-run Clone Youth Group Network (CYGNet) for answers by emailing info@cygnet.org."

She wanted something concrete that would help convince her brain to stop reenacting these head games that warped her reality. It still insisted on playing through the patterns it had been taught, even in its teacher’s absence. She needed something that could brace her against the ideas that she was really just paranoid, overreacting, accusing, that this was all her fault for making a big deal out of nothing. Even with his other faults (cruelties, her mind whispered) aside, at least his involvement with Project Leda was unforgivable, and she wanted proof of it. Maybe if she had that, she could stop being mad at herself for not wanting to forgive. And if anyone had that proof, CYGNet would.

Maybe it was just because of the sheer blunt honesty about her motives, or the inescapable vulnerability of the message Beth sent, but Mika had replied to her within a day. And she'd been so gentle about it, too, enough to make Beth later question where the stereotype of autistic brashness came from. Then again, over email, Mika had all the time she needed to compose her thoughts and lay them out as softly as she wanted. She didn't have to spit them out as fast as she could to keep pace with a quick and painfully overwhelming world.

Hi Beth Childs,

I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I still don't know how they got away with doing things like this for so long. I suppose people will always find ways to be cruel. But we've survived this long, and the whole point of CYGNet is to help us all heal. The experimental network has been dismantled, and we are assembling resources to help us. We've brought mental health professionals on to the project to develop custom programs for our needs. We can make them available to you, if you are interested.

I attached scans of some of your files that we recovered from DYAD. There are a few case reports with the signature of the person you asked about, spaced throughout your lifetime. There are also financial records with his name in the list of paid employees. He was without a doubt part of the Leda monitor program. I can provide all of the documentation that we have related to you, if you like, but I thought that would be too much all at once. I know these are hard to look at, but I hope they help let your mind rest. They are very real, and every awful thing we have experienced was also real, no matter how they tried to convince everyone that we were making it all up.

Please take your time with these, and stay in contact if you want to. You can join our mailing list, if you want to know when we have new information or new resources available. We're here for you.

And hey, if you just want to talk to someone who knows what it's like to deal with all of this, I'm here, too. You can reach my personal inbox or IM me at wiz.of.dos@cygnet.org. It'll be okay.

-Veera

Beth had started crying before she even finished reading the letter, much less opened the attachments. She cried so often these days. She only knew why half the time. But this time, it felt like the tears were extracting some of her pain as they left her, instead of just overflowing from the unending wellspring of her directionless distress. All of this was real, and someone else knew it.

Though she was grateful beyond measure for her mother’s untiring support, they were each other’s too-close, ever-present reminders of what they’d survived, trying to act like they weren’t, trying to convince each other and themselves that they were okay. Beth had needed something else, too, something until now unnamed.

This was a handhold, a backstop Beth didn't know she'd been desperate to find. It wasn't just the confirmation of what she’d concluded about her father. The ability speak plainly to someone she didn't feel the need to pretend around was an exhale of a breath held too long. At least one person in the world not only understood, but really and truly didn't want or expect her to act like any of this was normal or okay, or that she would ever be the same again.

Veera – or Mika, as she often went by online – made good on her offer of a sympathetic ear. Their correspondence started off with awkward, grammatically correct messages about the less painful details of their lives. Mika told her about the farmer’s market three blocks away where she went walking early in the morning before it got busy, and the plant stand there that her best friend and roommate Niki (also a Leda) had to ask her to stop buying so many succulents from.

At first, Beth tried to chatter like she used to, but there were no safe subjects. What had happened had touched all of her life. Normally, she’d talk about school, or sports, or her friends. But she was trying to start all over again at a new school with all the struggles that came with it. She didn’t have the time or energy for sports anymore, and talking about them hurt, now. Running used to make her heart sing. But no matter how she tried, there was no joy in the motion anymore. To top it all off, it was as hard to connect with old friends from her old life as it was to try and make new ones. She spent most interactions either doubting her own character judgement or dreading the moment people recognized her Leda face from the news.

She didn’t know how to talk about any of it to anyone. Maybe she could have if it had been just the clone thing or just the dad thing. But the two were inextricably entangled, and she still couldn’t even explain it to herself. It was all unbelievably horrifying, and any time she tried to be honest about it, people ended up disbelieving or horrified. Shocker.

Maybe, though, it wouldn’t be weird to talk about it with Mika. Mika already knew the worst. Beth didn’t have to hide that hurt from her to keep from shaking her world, or to keep her dismissal from hurting Beth. Maybe that’s what was hurting the most: the feeling that even after escaping, she still had to pretend to be okay. That compulsive stifling feeling choked her whenever it bubbled back up. On her bad days, a simple “how are you?” could reduce her to a blank face plastered over a raw tangle of emotions held motionless her own iron grip.

But Mika mentioned having bad days, too. Days came where she was too scared and nightmare-weary to do anything but make herself some tea and soak up some sunlight in the safety of home. Beth could casually say things like after those two months, i still twitch every time i hear a door open, and i wish my body would quit feeling like it doesn’t exist, my legs feel numb. It barely broke the surface of what it was like in her head, but was discomfiting enough for people that she held her tongue at school.

Sometimes, Beth got tired of constantly thinking about all this shit and tried to lighten things up. On one comically disastrous occasion of cultural exchange, she liveblogged Mika her attempt at eating the infamous Scandinavian lutefisk, along with an audio recording of the incoherent horrified noises she made after tasting it. In return, she received a recording of someone, presumably Mika, laughing harder than she’d ever heard anyone laugh before. It made Beth smile. Not many things did, back then.

Slowly, as the formality fell away from their transcontinental conversations, their heavier stories seething below the surface seeped in. Beth had been in therapy long enough now to know that she couldn't just recklessly unload on people the way she did in counseling sessions. But a counselor couldn't always provide the same kind of unspoken solidarity that someone in the same boat could.

Bit by bit, slipped into the chats that were becoming a daily occurrence, they talked about monitors, about what the experiment had really all been for, why that both was and wasn’t important, and how they'd discovered they were a part of Project Leda. Putting words to the pain hurt, a lot. But the ability to lay out long-unspoken truths in front of each other, knowing they were believed in the way that only people who have shared something can, was a healing kind of pain instead of the festering one Beth had been living with.

The two of them had more in common than they'd thought, growing up a world apart. Beth's experience raised under the subconscious wariness of her father's hovering thumb felt a lot like what Mika described growing up largely isolated with her former guardian. But sometimes, whenever they realized that something they'd both thought was normal was pretty not, they got a good laugh out of it despite the weight of their pasts. Mika seemed somewhat accustomed to her normal being considered pretty weird, so she usually took the revelations in stride better than Beth did. Beth wouldn't find out for at least a year after meeting her that it was because of her Asperger's, since it was a topic Mika seemed quite sensitive about.

Mika explained it once, in a conversation full of long pauses on her part and watching the typing icon disappear and reappear on Beth’s. The way she put it, it just meant that her brain worked a bit differently than most people's, processing sounds and sights and all the information it took in at different speeds and with different emphases. The difference could turn everyday things like the sound of a refrigerator running into a splitting headache, or something as simple as the soft texture of her favorite jacket into a kind of bliss. That alternative way of processing also extended to things like words and emotions as well. Sometimes, it took her longer than the world was willing to wait to process them into something that made sense. It often made communication tricky, trying to compensate for the gap in mutual understanding with most people. The world and the people in it could be so overwhelming sometimes, so fast and bright and full of noise and uncertainty and bewilderingly arbitrary social conventions. But the biggest challenge was other people expecting her to do everything the same way they did, ignorant of the fact there were any ways to exist other than their own, and completely oblivious to the fact that she was already putting in at least twice as much effort to communicate with them as they were with her.

And yet, even coming from such a different perspective, Mika gets it. Beth says sometimes i dream of drowning and its not a nightmare and i wake up not knowing how to feel, and Mika says I still dream of burning and wake up not knowing which fires are real, and they both say yeah. And they sit there across the world from each other knowing these things, knowing that it doesn't fix anything. And yet, it does change something. Nothing's any better, really. But somehow, the knowledge that someone else understands makes it a little easier to bear.

And that's just it. Somehow, without ever even having seen her face, Mika sees Beth clearer than anyone. All of her, all the ugly parts she hides so that they can't hurt anyone, and all the good parts that she also hides so that nobody can hurt them or take them away from her. Mika sees all of that and then just tells Beth another story about the Northern Lights she sees on the regular. Apparently, in Finnish, they’re called "fox fires." Beth hardly ever sees the aurora, living relatively far south in a bright city. But her stories about life in the metropolis by the lake intrigue Mika as much as the tales of the twisting green lights do her. And Beth can talk about something lighter again while not having to pretend that the heaviness isn’t there, too, even while she’s just once more trying and failing to explain poutine. For her, the weight never really goes away. But the effort of pretending she’s not carrying it takes more out of her than the weight itself. Mika understands that.

Maybe that’s why Beth had talked it over with Mika first, even before her mom, when she was considering taking a gap year after she hopefully managed to finish her senior year of high school. (God, it was so hard to think about English or math or whatever when just that morning she’d woken from a nightmare about being back in a not-home house that she never escaped.) Beth's mom had been so unbelievably supportive of Beth's recovery, even while she herself was adjusting to the wrenching change in both of their lives. It was both inspiring and a little intimidating. If her mom managed to run a household and raise a daughter all on her own, even while trying to heal from her own trauma, how could Beth not do her utmost, too? She was grateful to be able to talk to Mika about it, to get a reality check from someone who both understood her situation intimately and didn't make Beth feel that pressure of expectation. In the end, Beth did decide to take a year or two off before considering college, and her mom was again nothing if not supportive. Beth figured, after this entire mess, she deserved some time to herself to work on sorting her shit out, and her mom agreed.

After graduating with reasonable if not flying colors, Beth worked a series of part-time and odd jobs that didn't stress her out too much, letting herself focus on her own healing. In between her mom's support, seeing a counselor regularly, and the security of having a friend she could really trust, Beth felt like she was making progress. Slow progress, sure, but progress, nonetheless. Considering that she had seventeen years' worth of lies to unbelieve and emotional trauma to finally acknowledge, Beth figured that there was only so much she could do in the three years she'd had.

Her days were still hard. Getting sleep and waking up and eating and even just existing were still so fucking hard sometimes, and it was horrible. Some days, the thinnest sheet trapped her in bed like it was a car pinning her down. It felt so stupid for such simple things to be so hard. But then her therapist would remind her that that’s what mental illness and trauma was, that this was what the wounds in her mind and heart made her feel like. And once in awhile, sun broke through the shadows, and she had a day that reminded her what an okay day felt like – that okay days existed. That more might.

Now, she’s here, lying in a bright living room so far from home, with her dearest friend in the next room. She’s comfortable, except for the knot in her neck from sleeping oddly on the couch. The soreness pales in comparison to the usual tensions that are so strangely absent. Beth can’t remember the last time she felt this okay. She’s not steeling herself to go to work. She’s not dreading the next conversation with her mother that goes quiet as they both remember awful things they don’t mention. She’s not bracing herself for the next time her brain runs rampant worrying about whether she’ll run into the subject of her restraining order somewhere in the city and have to wonder if he'll honor it.

None of that reaches her here. There’s something about this quiet little pocket of space. It’s overrun with a proliferation of potted plants, from the sprawling lacy-leafed monster in the corner, to the fern peeping out of the kitchen, to the vine cuttings spilling out of an oddly familiar leaf-shaped glass bottle on the sill. Sunlight streaks through leaves and windowpanes and across the colorful patchwork of rugs on the floor. In the midst of it all, Beth is held by a palpable aura of gentleness. It holds her so softly that she doesn't need to hold herself in. It's like the layer of caution that she always keeps wrapped between herself and the rest of the world has simply dissolved away. In this moment suspended in morning light, she is okay.

She feels safe.

The realization undoes something in her. She feels the tears starting, and she expects the taut tension of involuntary stifling that always comes with them to return. But it doesn’t. She lies still and soft on the couch with the water creeping over her cheeks, breath occasionally catching but flowing freely. She savors it in the quiet.

The soft thunk of an ill-fitted door opening breaks into her odd reverie. Mika’s up. Beth sniffs and scrubs at her eyes halfheartedly, but she can’t hide them right now and she doesn’t want to. Mika notices immediately, and comes trotting over with quiet steps, leaning forward all concern.

"Beth," she says softly. She shifts from foot to foot like a nervous cat, watching Beth with enormous eyes. Beth has never met anyone else with such an intense stare. Or maybe it's just the fact that Beth knows beyond all doubt that she's being looked at by somebody who really sees her in her entirety. It's like she's staring right into Beth's soul. But Mika was able to do that long before they saw each others' faces. They've shared so many thousands of words over screens and seas, so many emotions that have gone otherwise unspoken, so many too-early mornings and too-late nights on the fringes of each other's dawns and dusks.

“What’s wrong?”

Finally, a flash of that sick tension runs through Beth’s body. It’s been okay when Mika has asked that before, when it was just silent letters on a screen. But out loud, the question falls on her ears like every well-meaning inquiry she’s ever had to scramble to find an acceptable answer for. The strain begins to cinch tight around her again like coarse ropes across barely-healed skin, ready to compel her to replace the truth with something safer. Her arms and legs tied, she begins to freeze, railing against herself for tainting the softness, the safety of this place.

"Beth." Mika says again, softer but more urgent.

In the gap between thoughts created by hearing her name, Beth seizes the chance to redirect them to the present. She clings to the welling in the corners of her eyes, the warmth of the sun caressing her back. The leaves of trees whisper outside the third-floor window in a mild breeze. The brightness spills over the sill and across Mika’s asymmetrical, half-craggy face and lights up tufts of her short hair as she steps closer. The couch dips as Mika sits down next to her, tilting Beth toward her.

Without meeting her eyes, Mika lifts a hesitant hand that hovers in the air between them, uncertain yet reaching. Her gentle palm falls onto Beth's forearm as softly as a floating leaf. The fingers curl around Beth’s arm just below the wrist, firm but not tight. Comforting.

The softness surrounding Beth seeps back into her, saturating her. As the memory fades like a ripple into water, the tension slackens. But it leaves her shaky, with traces of a familiar ache in her neck muscles, one that goes deeper than the simple stiffness from the couch. She sucks in a few unsteady breaths while Mika gives her arm a gentle squeeze.

“Sorry,” Beth says in a small, awkward voice.

Mika tilts her head. “Why?”

“Uh, I didn’t mean to bring all – this mess, in here.” Beth rubs the back of her neck with her free hand. “It’s so... soft, and okay, and – I don’t wanna ruin it,” she says, trailing off into a mumble.

“Hey.” Mika moves her hand from Beth’s arm to her shoulder. When Beth looks at her, she’s looking right back. Mika's eyes dart down to the floor for a moment, but then return to hold Beth’s with deliberate steadiness. “It’s alright. It’s like this here because we wanted it to be safe to be messy. You’re not ruining anything.”

“... Oh.” She’s steadied by Mika’s fingers curling around her shoulder, by the tendrils of sunlight spreading across her head and back and arms. Mika’s voice is small but steady, and somehow it comes from the same throat that makes that huge pealing laugh. It’s so strange how they sound nothing alike. Until yesterday, Beth hadn’t heard her voice since the lutefisk incident. They’d mostly kept to text and pictures. It had seemed easier, the way it gave them both plenty time to think before they spoke through their different uncertainties. Beth was already planning her trip before they realized that they’d never actually called each other. By that point, it sounded like more fun to meet in person the old-fashioned way.

"I'll make you some tea." Mika abruptly stands and lets go of her. Beth is sad to lose the contact. She flits across the room toward the kitchen in her soft cotton pajama pants, complemented by yet another black graphic tee for yet another Scandinavian metal band Beth's never heard of. Or at least, she'd never heard of them before Mika, who has something to say about all of them, and now Beth knows more than she'll ever need to.

Mika moves in and out of view behind the half-wall that separates the little living room from the kitchen. The fronds of the fern on the counter make a green rustling as she brushes by them. It sends soft feathered shadows waving across the wall opposite the window. Beth hears the rush of water boiling out of sight, and soon sees steam rising from the mug that's being handed to her.

"It's hot," Mika says unnecessarily. She sits down next to her again, this time leaning into Beth with her arm. Beth’s glad for it.

"Have you ditched the bags and gone loose leaf?" Beth says, eyeing the fragments of bright green leaf free floating in her mug.

"It didn't come in a bag. It came from the window."

"The window?"

"It's basil tea. For the fear and pain. Five large fresh leaves in two hundred and fifty milliliters water. We grew it here."

Beth takes a cautious sip. It's surprisingly sweet, and the savory smell of the steam rising from it curls into her sinuses. The aching in her head and neck begin to relax. It's unfamiliar, but it feels like home should, just like everything else here.

"Thanks," Beth says. On an impulse of craving closeness, she leans her head onto Mika's shoulder with a sigh. The sensation of contact deepens as Mika leans against her, too.

Beth holds the cup close, fingers wrapping around its warmth. She takes another sip and gets a bit of leaf stuck in her teeth. The way she scrunches up her face trying to dislodge it pulls a tiny laugh out of Mika.

“You don’t have to be okay here,” Mika whispers. “You can just be. That’s what we do.”

Beth finds her eyes wet again, but she smiles while she sets her mug down and wipes them away. “Kinda already wish I could stay here,” she says with a chuckle.

“... That’s probably not impossible.”

“Really?” Beth asks wryly. “Not even twenty-four hours, and you’d already be willing to put up with me?”

“Twenty-four hours and twenty-seven months.”

Beth melts a little even while waving the idea aside. “I wasn’t serious.”

“I know, but... weren’t you looking at the school here?”

“I mean, yeah, but... really, my mom just thought I deserved a break to get away for a little while. She’d saved up a bit, and I didn’t want to make it a big deal or anything, but she really wanted me to. She knew I wanted to come see you. Checking out the school was mostly an excuse. I know it’s a great place, but... I don’t really think it’ll help with what I wanna do.”

“What do you want to do?”

Beth sighs and leans back, looking at the ceiling. Mika follows her so that they’re still shoulder to shoulder, and pulls her feet up to tuck them in cross-legged.

She flounders for a moment, trying to find where to begin. She hasn’t told anyone this yet.

“This Leda crap has been kind of awful, right? It’s screwed so many of us up. But there’s only, what, a few hundred of us? And that’s not the only reason things get messed up.” She swallows. Her eyes trace irregularities in the ceiling: a knot in an exposed wooden beam here, a sealed and repainted crack there. “Kids like me are a dime a dozen. There’s so many people out there going through hell, just because they got stuck with people who are hurting so much that they hurt other people. And then they go on and hurt more people. It’s a cycle that’s really fucking hard to break.”

Breaths that have become harsh force her to pause and let them lengthen again. A touch on her knee draws her eyes down to a hand resting on it palm up, offering. Beth takes it. Mika squeezes her fingers in reassurance.

“When I was little, I wanted to be a cop like my dad, did you know that?” Mika, eyes wide, shakes her head. “Yeah. That was always my plan. I used to think he was so brave. Wanted to be just like him.” She shudders. Mika grips her hand, steady. “Even if I could do it better than he did, the system is still full of people like him. It’s broken. I couldn’t – I can’t end up like that. I can’t keep being a part of this shit. I want to actually help people.

“I never thought about it before I met you, but the people you brought in to do therapy programs and all for CYGNet? They’re amazing. The stuff I’ve gotten from them has helped me so much. And I don’t know what I’d do without my regular therapist. These people really help people like me. Like all of us. Those are the kind of people I wanna be like.”

Beth’s voice drops and becomes small and secretive, but firm. “I’ve been looking at the social work programs at home. There’s some really good ones at the uni near where mom and I live now. And that’s the city where I grew up. I know how things work there. I know it won’t be easy, but. I could really... do stuff.”

Silence stretches. Beth looks at Mika, only to be completely thrown off by an expression she can’t make heads or tails of. “What?”

Mika’s face is blank yet soft, only barely hinting at her thoughts in the faintest crinkling of her eyes. It’s funny, how quiet her face is most of the time. Beth never would have guessed, going off her online impressions of her. Mika’s so expressive and eloquent with her written words. In person, she is much more subtle. But even after only a day spent around her, Beth is already starting to see how her movements speak volumes in a language of their own. The flickering of her hands flares to life with excitement. The casual shake of her head tosses her hair out of her eyes even when it’s not in the way, like she’s clearing the slate of her mind. And much like Beth these days, she goes very still and tense when she’s getting uncomfortable or overwhelmed, the way she did after a particularly loud whistle at the train station. It shows in her shoulders. They’re soft now though, and she just watches Beth and squeezes her hand once more.

“You’re really amazing, you know,” Mika says.

“Wh- huh?”

“Well.” She looks away and turns their hands over, but doesn’t let go. “After the awful things you’ve been through – nnnh! Don’t pretend,” she says, looking back sharply as Beth begins to protest that she didn’t have it that bad. Mika knows her so well. Beth can’t help but laugh a little. “After all that, you just want to help people. All I ever want to do is get away from them, most of the time.”

Beth quirks a brow at her with a bemused grin. “Really? Because setting up and running an organization that provides mental health resources and extremely important information to a few hundred people is a really shit way to not help people.”

“I never talk to most of them! And CYGNet only has one hundred and thirteen members, not hundreds.”

Beth rolls her eyes with an exaggerated motion. “Yeah, so, you’ve somehow convinced, what, a whole freaking third of a huge group of scared strangers to trust you?”

“A lot of that was Niki and the press team, she’s way better at talking to people th–”

“And you’ve been careful enough and clever enough to keep them and all the information you got from DYAD safe and secure? I can’t even imagine the organization and, and cyber-security and whatever the hell else you put into all this. That you still put in. And look what you’ve done. You’re helping so many people. You found something only you could do, and do it really damn well.”

Mika looks down into her lap, half her face flushed. The raised ridges and swirls of the scarred side are pink, but not as dark. Her shoulders curl in a little, but she doesn’t pull her hand away from Beth’s. If anything, she holds on a little tighter.

“You don’t have to like talking to people to help them. You don’t have to be someone you’re not,” Beth says gently, then pauses as a new thought occurs to her. “Why did you talk to me?”

Mika gives a tiny shrug, eyes still downcast. “You reached out to me. Most people are scared, or suspicious, or hard to talk to, but you were just... honest. You told me exactly what you needed, even if that meant sharing your painful secrets with a stranger. I...” She trails off, looking toward the closed door of Niki’s bedroom. She blinks slowly.

“It reminded me of something Niki said a long time ago. When we first met. We didn’t trust each other at first. But when things got bad, we needed to, and she just... We’d only known each other for a day. She told me a true story that people had called her crazy for, and trusted me to believe her. And when I told her about... my Asperger’s, about being autistic, she just told me something about herself, too, another thing that a lot of people get cruel about when they know. This was back before she came out, too. She was hardly out to herself, then, really. But she told me anyway. ‘Secret for a secret,’ she said.”

“She’s really special to you.” It’s not a question. How could it be, with the sheer softness of love rounding out every syllable and making Mika melt into the couch and into Beth’s shoulder.

“She’s... yes. She’s my family.” Mika looks out the window, and the bright light dances over her nose. “I don’t remember ever having one.”

Beth slings an arm around Mika’s shoulders and smiles as she curls closer into Beth’s side. “Looks like you’re part of a pretty big one, now,” she says, waving a hand at the dozens of photos on the walls circling them.

“I guess so.”

“No need to guess. The evidence is right there. And I’m right here.”

Mika turns those huge eyes on her again. She’s done that multiple times now, even though Beth knows she rarely looks people in the eye. Eye contact is too much, most of the time. She describes it as too intense, too distracting, too intimate. Meeting those eyes – so like Beth’s own, but filled with such a different kind of light – Beth thinks she understands a glimmer of it. If every eye she met were as overwhelmingly expressive as Mika’s, Beth probably wouldn’t meet them all either. It keeps taking her by surprise, coming across their eloquence in an otherwise quiet face. Caught by that gaze, every emotion that lives in it touches Beth. Right now, it’s soft with adoration but shaded with a gradient of doubt. The width and depth of Mika’s eyes reveal a clear view of a vulnerable, aching, healing heart that spent eleven years starving for the love it needs and still hasn’t forgotten the famine.

It might be breaking Beth’s heart. No wonder Niki is always showering her with hugs and kind words and gentle hands on rounded shoulders. Maybe one of these days, Mika will have spent long enough finally getting to soak up all that affection that she won’t look at Beth like this when she says the simple truth.

“Hey. Here I am. Really.” Beth’s voice is a little choked up. She pulls Mika into a proper hug with both arms. Mika squeaks in surprise at being squeezed so emphatically, but returns it all the same. God, but she gives the best hugs of anyone Beth’s ever met. All contact and even, firm pressure and steadiness. “It’s so damn good to see you. I can’t believe you’re...” real, Beth thinks but doesn’t say. I can’t believe I didn’t imagine you. I can’t believe you’re just as kind as your words. I can’t believe how good it feels to be around you. “I can’t believe I’m really here.”

Mika doesn’t say anything. For a moment, one of her hands leaves Beth’s back to fiddle with something, then comes back to give her a little squeeze that Beth returns.

Beth’s phone buzzes a notification behind her on the little glass-top table next to the couch. The table’s wooden base is a round blob carved into the shape of a very fluffy and very ugly sheep with curly horns. Beth’s arms loosen from their embrace as she turns to look at it, bemused. No one but Mika really messages her except for her mom. But if it’s morning here, it’s about time for bed at home. She checks it, just to be sure she’s okay.

But it’s not from her mom.

Mika reaches out to gently grasp her forearm again as Beth shoots her a quizzical look and opens the message.

3mika: I'm glad you're here.

Beth's heart quails.

To think, that her darker days might have kept her from ever being in this moment. Beth might never have gotten to this point, hurt but healing and here. Here, she's seven time zones and an ocean away from the cycle of pain she grew up in, barely aware she needed to escape. She might well feel safer right here in this crossroads of time and place than she has at any other in her entire life. It's a realization that's as humbling as it is nourishing.

Already, the distance this journey has taken her has given her so much perspective. She wasn’t sure, before, whether the work she’s been considering was just a response to what she’s been through – or just a way for the cycle to keep her within its spiral. But she’s seen what Mika can do, what Beth could do one day, if she keeps on.

It won’t be easy. She’ll go back, and deep-seated memories will try to drag her back into small dark places. But being here, even for only a few hours, has already changed her. She can change, and she can grow, and she is already tapping into new strengths that her past has yet to reckon with. She is here, right now, in spite of all of it. And today is not a dark day.

“Me too, Mika. I’m glad to be here, too.” Beth’s tongue stumbles over the name, because she’s never said it out loud before, only read it on a screen.

Surprise sends Mika’s eyebrows up and her eyes wide again, like she’s never heard it before, either. Maybe she hasn’t. She tilts her head again like a question, touching her ear and looking at Beth.

Beth grins. “Mika.” A smile blooms on that curious face, lighting it up. She’s the one who pulls Beth into a hug this time, and it’s both fierce and soft. When she lets go, she leans into Beth’s side again and they stay like that, arms over shoulders and comfortably curled up together, soaking in the warmth of each other’s presence like leaves drink in light. The simple sweetness and companionship of it soothes Beth’s heart, seeking its way into the aching crevices. It’s an odd feeling, both seeping inward and flowing outward, trickling all the way through her until it warms her cold toes in a way that feels both new and strangely familiar.

A long, sleepy yawn announces that Niki’s awake now, too. Soon, she comes out of her room stretching her arms over her head. Mika reaches a hand out toward her to wave in greeting, though she leaves the other arm draped over Beth’s shoulders. Niki smiles at them. That kind smile, too, adds to the warmth washing through Beth. Her feet practically itch with it, and with a growing sensation of déja vu. She fidgets her toes against the floor as Niki walks over to brush Mika’s outstretched hand like a touchstone.

“How'd you sleep? Isn’t that couch the comfiest?” she says to Beth.

“Well, I’ve got a crick in my neck, but I still slept better than I have in years.”

Niki turns her sunny smile on Beth. “Good to hear it. Weird, though, I nap there all the time and my neck’s always fine. Huh. Anyway, I think I might make waffles. You two want some breakfast?”

Mika nods, but doesn’t let go of Beth yet. Beth is lost in thought, trying to remember what that light, floating feeling in her feet reminds her of.

“Sweet.” Niki ambles toward the kitchen and bends down with pursed lips to peer at the fern perched on the counter. “Hmm. You still look a little pale. Let’s get you some more sun.” She brings the plant over to the living room and is fussing over settling it on the sheep table when it clicks for Beth. A physical memory washes over her, for once welcome. She lets it fill her, refreshing like a deep breath of cold morning air her lungs are suddenly hungry for. She flexes her calves and ankles, her legs remembering the joy and freedom of stride and strike. Her bones are finally recalling how they once carried her with ease, even while they're adjusting to the new weight of who she's become. Fully alive again for at least this moment, her soles are practically prickling with the desire to eat up ground.

“How about you, Beth? Do you like waffles?” Niki asks, fluffing the fern’s crinkly green leaves. Mika squeezes her shoulder.

Beth grins and plants steady feet on the blue rug in front of the couch. “Save a few for me? I think I might actually go for a run first.”

[kazhewbrekker]

vilify me - chapter 4

this is the longest chapter to date! and probably the last one for a little while as im settling into college and dont have as much time. fear not though! chapter 5 is in the works and im committed to finishing this monster of a multific. without further ado!

(AO3 Link) (Chapter 1) (Chapter 2) (Chapter 3)

Kenji seemed unimpressed as he walked into the hanger. I wasn’t expecting a huge reaction, but I thought he’d be at least a little bit excited over the prospect I was offering. I gave him a wink as he walked closer and patted the seat on the motorcycle I was leaned against, lovingly. It was a good thing I hadn’t run my plan past Warner, he would’ve been jealous.

“Do you know how to ride a motorcycle?” I asked innocently.

Definitely not impressed. “Never seemed like a necessary skill set.”

I shrugged. “Feel like learning?”

Kenji crossed his arms over his chest as I passed a helmet to him. He didn’t take it from me, which was to be expected. There was no chance he was going to go easy on me. I mean this was literally me trying to appeal to him enough to get him to trust me. Or maybe, just maybe, it was me trying to find something to relieve myself of the utter boredom that had befallen me since I came to Sector 45. Which, I had to remind myself, wasn’t Warner’s fault.

He was busy. I was also usually busy, that’s just how things were with us. And now, with this mission he’d put me on, I would find a new way to be busy.

“Come on, it’ll be fun.”

Kenji took the helmet begrudgingly, “Where are we going?”

“Does it matter? Let me answer that, no.”

I climbed onto the seat, settling my feet in their place on either side of the bike. Kenji hesitated again, the black helmet now smugly fastened around his head, trying to figure out where he was supposed to sit on the motorcycle with me. I grabbed his wrist, between us was the layer of his military coat and the riding gloves I had fashioned myself with, as I pulled him on behind me.

“I’m not going to kill you.”

“I didn’t say you would, Princess.” Kenji shifted uncomfortably and created a space between the two of us. I had the urge to roll my eyes. Like that would stop me. If I wanted him dead he would be by now. “How come you don’t wear a helmet?” Kenji asked.

I revved the bike. “Let’s hope you don’t find out.”

-

“Put your foot on the break,” Warner instructed. “No, hold it down.”

“Sorry,” I shot him a glare and pressed down all my weight on the car’s brake. The glare broke apart in an instance. I was too excited to be mad.

Finally, after being told over and over that he would teach me, Warner was going to show me how to drive. I’d wanted to for years, ever since he had when he was eight. Mum and Dad would never let me behind the wheel of a car, at least not until I was older no doubt, they didn’t even trust Emmaline in one yet. But I would learn how to drive first, because Anderson had left home earlier that morning and Leila wouldn’t mind if we borrowed the car. Or totalled it.

“Okay,” I said, “okay, what do I do next?”

“Shift into drive.”

I blinked down at the controls. “What am I on right now?”

“Reverse.”

I managed to shift the car into drive recalling what I’d seen in films, “You don’t have to look so nervous, we’re indestructible, remember?”

Warner sighed exasperatedly, hands tightening on the seatbelt. “Keep your eyes on the road.” I grinned and checked my mirrors, slowly pulling my foot off the brake and towards the gas. “And I wish you’d stop saying that.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because my biggest fear is that one day it’ll stop being true.”

I frowned. I took it slow, but driving on a street that no one was ever going to come down again gave me the whole road to practice. I jumped between brake and gas over and over, inching forward and trying to get the hang of it. Every once and awhile, Warner pointed something out to me, but he was as patient as he was with teaching me anything. It was easy, easier than I thought it would have been.

“I’m not going to lose my powers, Aaron.”

“No,” he agreed, “but have you considered your parents’ new project.”

I sucked in a breath and the car huffed in response. Warner didn’t looked shocked as I hit the brakes to look over at him. He looked worried. “Project Canary. Emma’s losing her mind over it.” I said.

“I know, I heard.”

I raised an eyebrow, “Don’t tell me she’s bothering you about it too.”

“When she can’t call you she calls me, I’ve told you this before.” He tucked his chin and looked down at the watch affixed to his wrist. “Emmaline is just worried about you, love.”

“Of course she is, because if they can get through me it means she’s next. I don’t blame her.”

“Ella.”

“It’s true!” I shrugged, “You know it, I know it. I reckon if Canary succeeds, then I’ll be the only one affected. Well, and you, probably.”

“Probably? You can’t be serious.”

I sighed dramatically, shifting gears and turning us around back towards the house. I knew he was staring at me, I could feel it burning under my skin. If he was offended by the truth that was his problem. Not mine.

“If something happened to you,” I wasn’t watching his face, but I heard the way his breath caught in his throat. A chill settled around me as I waited for him to continue. “I would be devastated. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yes, sure, of course.” I snipped back.

“Ella, I’m serious.”

Too much, too heavy. I nodded in an attempt to get him to drop it. Warner was my best friend, but God if he didn’t make everything out to be life-and-death. Though, technically, this situation could very well end in my untimely death. It didn’t matter. He was serious all right, far too serious. And I didn’t want to think about the immediate future, not like he did.

-

I loved motorcycles. More than cars, planes, especially boats. Nothing else could get me in contact with the same level of speed as the motorcycle could. I wondered a lot if it was anything similar to drugs, Mum and Dad would have me caged again if I experimented with anything that could mess with my brain or my body. So, death defying activities was all I had.

But I had to drive carefully, Kenji’s arms wrapped around me so tightly I had to focus on the wind whipping my hair to not break down at the feeling of being barred.

I hadn’t been lying about the helmet comment, as far as Kenji knew I was talented in hand-to-hand combat and could most likely kill someone if they just so happened to brush my skin. He had no way of knowing that a motorcycle crash was much more likely to hurt whatever I crashed into then myself. When I’d first embraced my daredevil tendencies, Warner had insisted that I wore protective garments, riding jackets and enforced padding. We hadn’t known the full extent of how much damage I could sustain. We found out though, eventually.

I came to a stop in a place where the road evened out and the buildings had grown scarce. It was strange, Southern California had always been overflowing with populace and new houses that the large expanse of nothingness was almost unnerving. I pushed those thoughts from my head and removed Kenji’s hands from my waist.

He attempted to climb down with me, but I steadied him on the bike with a smile and said, “I’m teaching you how to ride remember?”

“I never said I wanted to learn how.”

“Yes, but you also never said you didn’t.” I placed my hand on the handlebar, about to launch into a speel about what each part on the bike did, until I noticed he was staring at me strangely. “What?”

“I’m curious. What brought this on?”

“Me teaching you how to ride a motorcycle? I was bored, wanted to ride my bike, and you’re supposed to follow me everywhere I go.” I paused, sardonic in nature. “Thus, here we are.”

Kenji looked back at me as if he didn’t believe me, and I had to give him credit, he was a lot more intuitive than he had appeared at first glance. It wasn’t as if I was lying. I was currently trying to use enough of the truth that he’d have eventually just have to believe that my intentions were pure. It’s not as if I had given him any reason to believe otherwise. Beside the fact that I work for a fear mongering government that treats its citizens even worse than the ground they walk on.

I might have to rethink my plan of action.

“Okay,” I huffed. “Clutch is here, gear shift is down here, throttle, and break. You’re ready to go.”

“Wait, hold on a second, that’s the big lesson? You point at all the controls, pat me on the back and say ‘Good luck.’ You’re the worst teacher in the history of ever.”

“Jesus, that’s a little harsh.”

“Never have kids.” He said with a straight face, “You’d try to teach them how to ride a bike and then just throw them straight into oncoming traffic.”

I groaned, “Newsflash you egg, traffic isn’t as issue anymore. The 405 is dead and I’d be a great mum.”

Kenji didn’t move as he held his humorless expression. As the silence dragged and we continued to just stare at one another, something cracked. I wasn’t sure if I was the first to snort, but giggles erupted from my lips until I was crumpled on the ground holding my stomach from laughter. Kenji wasn’t much better, he had to use to the motorcycle to hold himself upright as he practically hacked up a lung.

I was wiping tears out of the corners of my eyes when Kenji finally said, “All right, that was hilarious. But I’m still not riding this death trap with a ten second long instructional period.”

“Just,” my voice was still strangled with restrained giggles, “trust me here.”

“You don’t make that easy.”

But he listened and settled on the bike like before, keeping one boot on the ground to stabilize himself. I corrected his form and I watched as his eyes darted nervously around the open field. I couldn’t say I completely understood his nerves, I’d never had to really worry about bodily harm before. With that, I had the sudden realization that this was a terrible plan, and if it failed it would really suck to have to drive home with a dead body. Or, even worse, have to walk.

“Ready?” I asked honestly.

He didn’t in the least bit look ready. At least he knew how to brake.

Kenji gave a curt nod and I stepped away from the bike, giving him room to start the engine again and prepare for take off. The motorcycle gave a growl that I felt in my chest, that made the hair on my arms stand up, and as Kenji gave me one more glance before staring at the opened, empty road before him. I gave a silent prayer to a God I don’t believe in.

The motorcycle lurched forward, shakily and slow it made its way down the street. A couple of times I worried if it was going so slow that the machine might tip over, but at every chance Kenji shifted his weight to keep it steady. It wasn’t until he turned around and came back towards me that I saw he had a genuine smile on his face.

I rolled my eyes, he was going barely more than 20 miles per hour.

“All right. It’s not a vespa.”

He hit the brakes as he neared me and the sudden stop made him ram his stomach into the center console. Kenji took a shaky breath but his voice was only a little winded, “What’s a vespa?”

“Oh my God.”

-

Our bedroom was cold. It was the middle of July and from the window I could see the moon against the cloudless sky. It was the only thing lighting the room. For once I was happy that snow hadn’t come so early this year, because if it had then I wouldn’t be able to see the moon at all. I clung tightly to my blanket knowing that it was my only protector, that would stop the dark corners of the room from getting any closer to the foot of my bed.

I had been working very hard to not let it bother me, to sleep through the night without interruptions or nightmares. If Emmaline could do it then so could I. But it seemed like the harder I pushed away the negative thoughts, the stronger they came back with a vengeance. And the more they stole my breath straight from my lungs. I knew what panic was now though, I’d felt it before. It kept rising and rising like the temperature on a thermometer. Until my head started to feel dizzy and my chest began caving in.

What was it that Warner always said? Try to breathe.

Easier said than done.

At this point I should’ve been used to any form of sensory deprivation. Nothing to see, or hear, only the cold walls of the room that remind you that you’re not dead. Or asleep. Or somewhere in the middle. Mr. Anderson would turn down the oxygen in the room if I tried to fall asleep. It would go on for hours. But it always ended, sometimes I was worried it wouldn’t.

Little bird, little bird in a gilded cage. With spikes on the bars. Little bird with no escape.

“Ella,” my sister’s voice whispered across the bedroom. “Ella, go to sleep.”

I froze. My rampant neverending thoughts must have woken her up, or at the very least kept her from falling asleep. I wasn’t quite sure what Emmaline could hear and what she couldn’t. But if I hated being in my own head, then surely my sister would despise it just as much. “Sorry, Emma.”

She sighed, rolled over. I felt my face burn with shame. “No worries, just…“ Her soft words disappeared into the cloud of dark that blanketed over her half of our bedroom. We’d been sharing a room since I was born. At least that’s what I had been told. But now the sea of carpet between the two of our beds felt wider and all the more terrifying under the gaze of the moon. I had to steel myself. I couldn’t be weak, I couldn’t whimper at the idea of closing my eyes, what would Mum say?

“Ella. Come here.”

I looked over to Emmaline’s moving sheets. I could barely make out her motions across the room. But I didn’t give it a second thought. I bundled the blankets around my body, grateful for the socks that covered my feet, and I tiptoed over the lie to Emmaline’s side of the room. Where pink met purple.

Emmaline was waiting patiently with arms outstretched. She pulled me and my blankets up onto the sheets with her, and that’s when I noticed the long sleeves pajamas and the gloves. How had she been wearing gloves to bed? Emmaline pulled my head to her shoulder and hugged me tightly. I wished I could see her expression. I wished I could read her thoughts for a change. My panic spiked once more.

“Calm down,” Emmaline yawned. “Give it a rest.”

“S-Sorry.”

It was dangerous to be this close to my sister. It was dangerous to be around anyone, ever. This was my curse. My burden. Mum called it a gift, she said it made me special. But I had to work harder, so I could be just like my sister. Mum would kill me if anything happened to Emmaline. She’d actually kill me.

“Shhh, go to sleep.”

“I-I…”

My sister’s finger combed through my hair. I closed my eyes against her pillow.

“Sleep, Ella. You can worry about things in the morning.”

She was right. I knew somewhere deep down that she was, but a part of me refused to accept it. It seemed like no matter what I did, my worries would follow me into my dreams too. I focused on Emmaline’s breath, her heartbeat, the slight brush of my hair from my forehead. It made me crave the blurry memories of climbing into bed with Mum and Dad, falling asleep in the safety they provided. Now it didn’t feel safe to be near their wing of the house, or even near them.

“I don’t want nightmares.” I whispered back to her.

Emmaline paused. If I paid close enough attention I could feel the edges of her power just on the cusp of my consciousness. If I dared to push against it all I would feel would be numb. “Okay, I’ll make you a deal.”

I blinked my eyes opened, “A deal?”

“Sure,” she pinched my shoulder. “If you try to sleep, I promise I’ll chase all the bad dreams away.”

It was far too dark in the room for me to see the look on her face. I couldn’t even tell from her tone if she was messing with me. I was a bit too old to believe that anyone could chase away my bad dreams, especially when they had been formed out of reality. But then again, Emmaline had power over the mind. Even now I could feel her rooting herself in my thoughts, sharing them with me, but blocking me from following that path back into her own head. It was a one way trip, or so she said.

If anyone could get rid of the nightmares, actually get rid of them, it would be Emmaline.

“All right.” I said.

She nodded once into the dark, “Close your eyes, then.”

I did as she asked. A moment passed, but in the moment the darkness of my eyelids didn’t feel constraining, like I was being pressed against the walls of a prison. It felt almost calm. Like a purring cat under my bare fingers, enjoying the feeling of my touch. It felt like I was back in North America, tucked into familiar sheets, pressed against the side of someone else. But only for a moment.

And then I opened my eyes and Emmaline was gone.

I sat up, wrapped in pink sheets, and stared across the room to the bed I had fallen asleep in. Purple sheets as pristine as if they had never been slept in at all. I should have figured. That kind of comfort and safety could only last a night.

-

Kenji wasn’t confident enough to drive us back, and I wasn’t entirely confident he could either. So, I drove the motorcycle to the compound, stopping myself from taking any unnecessary risks, least Kenji never go on another adventure with me again.

As much as I loathed to admit it, my plan was almost certainly backfiring. I was having fun just making friends with someone new. Socializing wasn’t exactly a skill I excelled in and the fact that Kenji almost didn’t seem nervous to get on the back of the bike with me after spending the afternoon in my company made me feel better than I had in awhile. There was a churning afterthought though, that if he wasn’t who he said he was, if Warner was right; then Kenji would die by my hand. There was no way around it.

Or so I told myself as we parked in the hanger.

I shot a scathing look at the soldier who carted off my bike, knowing they would take care of it, but trying to retain the menacing aura I had accumulated before I started letting myself go soft. Maybe Warner was right and I really should go back to training in the mornings.

It was only a second later as I turned to speak to Kenji that I felt a thrum of energy go through my body. The sensation stilled me to my core, even my lungs refused to take in oxygen as my brain scrambled for concrete meaning. I knew this feeling and I knew it well. My body restarted.

“Kishimoto,” my voice was harsh, “you are dismissed.”

“But--”

“Now, soldier.” There was a bite at the end of my words that I hadn’t ever used in conversation with him before. He registered this and, probably with some sense of betrayal, turned on his heel and marched away from the hanger. I hoped he was fast enough.

When my ability had first manifested, there were a lot of things going through my five year old head. And still it wasn’t anywhere near as complicated as Emmaline’s own mind. My sister, being a year older than me, took it upon herself to compare us in everything. Even before our powers. Shockingly, she wasn’t so far off when it came to this over everything else. Our abilities were simultaneously complete opposites and so similar that they could not be recreated in any test subjects. Though it wasn’t from lack of trying.

I could feel the energy of living things. Around me were spools of thread that tied back to every living creature, I could feel their hearts pumping, I could sense the electricity beneath their skin. By extension, Emmaline was connected to life through their minds. She had her own network that she organized and colorcoded, more orderly than my own, efficient. But our largest connector remained each other, and it was at that moment that I felt my sister’s ability wrap itself around me. As if it wanted me to know she was here, listening in to the private confines of my head. So, I did what any little sister would do.

I immediately thought back to the last time Warner’s lips were on mine, the heat of our breath as I undid the buttons of his shirt. I let my eyes close as the memories washed over me, leaving a singing fever in their wake.

Emmaline withdrew faster than a bat out of hell.

“That was rude.”

I heard her before I saw her. My eyes blinked opened tentatively as I watched my sister walked down the stairs into the hanger. Soldiers stopped, if only for a moment, to stare and wonder. Emmaline looked a lot like our mother. Her hair was two shades darker than mine and always laid flat down her back, her face was older, wiser. And she wore that red lipstick that Mum liked.

It was hard not to think of that woman when I looked at her. “What, like looking through someone’s head? Tell me, is that real rude?”

She rolled her eyes, “You’ve made your point.”

“Have I?”

When she stepped down from the last stair a smile appeared on her face, out of nowhere. And then she held her arms open towards me. I noticed the sleeves of her coat, the collar of her shirt that covered her neck, the gloves that seemed to permanently cling to her hands. This wasn’t a last minute decision, my sister had come to Sector 45 with the full intent to see me.

I tried to walk calmly towards her. I’m pretty sure I failed.

Emmaline hugged me. She squeezed my shoulders and rocked us from side to side like a dance. It wasn’t appropriate, to be so excited to see each other, if our mother was there she would have chastised us greatly. But Mummy dearest wasn’t there, and we could do whatever the hell we wanted.

“This is a surprise,” I said as we pulled away.

“I told you I’d be visiting shortly.”

“Actually, you asked if you could visit and I never got back to you.”

Emmaline huffed as if I’d greatly inconvenienced her, “Doesn’t matter. It’s not as if you’re busy, hiding out from our parents and what have you.”

“They know where I am.” My eyes narrowed on her as a mischievous smile inched its way onto her face. “Mum does know where I am, right Emma?”

“Oh, she could guess, but I’m afraid she’s preoccupied right now.”

I held my breath. No wonder I’d been left alone for almost a month. Emmaline was covering for me and with her powers no less. It was starting to get scary how easily she could deceive the people that more or less ran the world.

“And what was your excuse for flying out here?”

Emmaline glanced at me, her lips upturned in a smug expression that made her lipstick seem darker. The color of blood. “I’m allowed holidays just like you.”

There was a palpable moment of tension between us that shattered with a clap of my sister’s hands. She turned on her heel and made her way back towards the stairs. I followed, just as she had expected me to do, and I watched as her hair flew behind her like a black veil. Nothing was different about Emmaline from the last time I had seen her, but I knew my sister better than that. She wasn’t a consistent person in the least.

She had plans. Always.

“Why didn’t you introduce me to your friend?”

I met her eyes as she glanced back at me, “Didn’t think you’d be interested.”

Emmaline hummed to herself for a moment before we entered the main hallway. She let me move to take the lead as I headed for the nearest elevator. It was just around dinner time now, the sun had already begun it’s decline over the ocean. Well, it would’ve anyways, if it wasn’t for the clouds hiding it. And I was starved from messing around in God knows where for hours.

“Y’know, sis,” she spoke finally after the elevator doors closed. “You can’t exactly lie to me.”

I gritted my teeth.

“And I’m not just saying that because I can read your mind. What, can’t trust me now? Especially when you’ve decided on making friends with someone you think is working for the rebellion.”

“Hush up,” I hissed.

The elevator was still steadily moving up towards the higher floors. That left us with little time left to speak with the comfort of not being recorded. Once we were out in the open, anyone could overhear us and report back to Anderson, Kenji would be as good as dead.

“I don’t know for sure.”

Emmaline scoffed.

“I don’t. Doesn’t matter, I just don’t want you rooting around in his head while I’m trying to do my job. Because if he is with the rebels, then maybe he can lead me to that base.”

“The base Anderson’s on your ass about.”

The doors open, “That’s the one.”

We walked in silence towards the dining room. There was something strange and familiar about wandering these halls with my sister beside me. Maybe it reminded me of when we were children, I scrunched my nose. Emmaline and I hadn’t wandered the halls together when we were little. We barely interacted outside of bedtimes and Sunday breakfasts. I watched her out of the corner of my eye and found her looking back at me. Her expression was blank.

Before I even opened the door to the dining room, Emmaline groaned from beside me. I felt a tinge of a smile make its way onto my lips before I waltzed inside, emulating the grace of a person with the ball in their side of the court. If she was going to be confrontational or then I simply wouldn’t let it get to me, Emmaline could whine all we wanted but this was still Warner’s sector.

A telepath and an empath walk into a bar… I’d hate to hear the punchline.

Emmaline hesitated by the door as I swept inside to take my usual seat beside him. He barely spared a glance at my sister, before turning to me, his side of the table devoid of paperwork for the first time in weeks. I narrowed my eyes, had he heard of her arrival before I had? Most likely.

I leaned close enough to press my lips to his cheek as he whispered, “A nice surprise.” I had to stifle the laugh the built up in my throat.

As much as I liked to taunt my sister, I also found myself increasingly more demure in her presenance. My cheeks reddened and I dug my teeth into my bottom lip as I pulled away from Warner and into my own space. I caught Emmaline’s eye as she, now quiet for the first time since I’d seen her, sat down carefully beside us. I braced myself for whatever she was reading, whatever she could feel.

“Don’t stop on my account.”

My nerves blew out of my lungs in an instant. Warner brought a water glass to his mouth rather enthusiastically, he was hiding a grin. I could rest easy knowing that this dinner wasn’t going to be a normal Emma-Aaron staredown, where I was placed in the middle and forced to choose which one I would have to calm down first. Frankly, I found it unfair that they put me in such a position at all.

Emmaline and I had been rivals since the beginning on account of our abilites and the expectations that came with them. It made our relationship difficult to say the least, stressful and even distant. We rekindled what we could salvage the older we got, but it was hard to put the pressures our mother had forced down our throats away. Warner and Emmaline’s rivalry was different. And I couldn’t even be sure when it started. It almost felt like I had woken up one day to the both of them being at each other’s throats with no explanation other than, “Because I hate him, Ella.” on my sister’s lips.

I had my assumptions. But I certainly wasn’t going to tell them that.

“C’mon now,” Emmaline spoke first. “What have you two been up to, spare no details.”

“Is that why you came here? To catch up?” Warner raised an eyebrow and I felt his hand find mine underneath the table.

Emmaline amused herself my looking through the assortment of bottles on the table, in Sector 45 there never seemed to be a shortage of alcohol, before picking one that suited her tastes. “Why else would I be here?” She said as if there was a very obvious, very necessary reason for her to be here. Her eyes met his with something I could only describe as contempt, “To make sure you haven’t defiled my little sister?”

I felt more than saw Warner’s reaction to her words. It was like the walls turned ruby red, the air became almost stifling, but neither of the other occupants seemed to notice. No, Emmaline was reveling in my love’s discomfort. There was a gnawing dread in my stomach that colorfully plated breads weren’t going to fix. I squeezed Warner’s hand.

“Behave,” I said.

Emmaline shrugged, “I haven’t done anything that warrants punishment, Els. Even if punishment is your specialty.”

“For someone so gifted in speech, you’d think you would have learned when to shut up.”

“Bite me.” She laughed and buttered a roll.

The heat had dulled, but only slightly, and a dull blade was worse than a sharp one. I turned to Warner, who was still fixing my sister with a death stare. I raised his hand to my cheek. If I kept his attention on me, then hopefully they wouldn’t do something I would end up regretting.

“I rode my motorcycle today.”

“You did?” Distraction successful, he answered curiously.

“I missed it. We should do it more often, it wasn’t the same without you.” The room smelled like lilac. “It’s getting pretty cold out, as well, so if you want to go riding--”

“A metal deathtrap.”

“--We’ll have to go soon.” I gritted my teeth again and caught Emmaline’s gaze out of the corner of my eye. “You never have anything helpful to add, do you?”

Emmaline was watching our exchange, eyes shimmering with something that I couldn’t place. But Warner could. I could read his movements better than his facial expressions, as he tilted his body in front of me. The lilac that had misted the air had turned frigid, but hadn’t disappeared. Not yet anyways. Emmaline placed her chin on the palm of her hand.

“Still trying to find a way to break your neck?”

How dare she pretend to be innocent. “Why? Decided to give it a go afterall?” I answered.

There was an ebb and flow to the frequencies that surrounded the table. Emmaline, ever the bringer of chaos, was upsetting my natural balance. I knew she would, hypothetically, and I could handle it. Hypothetically. But what I couldn’t handle was my sister trying to infuriate the both of us at the same time. Though that was what she did best wasn’t it?

“Tell us why you’re really here, Emmaline.” Warner’s voice was serious.

I stiffened as my sister’s lazy smile faded. “You already know, don’t you?”

“Tell her, then.”

“Or you will. I’m familiar with the threat, thank you.” She rolled her eyes and the childish glee she’d been playing with from the moment she’d hugged me, disappeared completely. If I could feel emotions like Warner, I’d suspect any cheerfulness in my sister had blown away, almost like it never existed. “Project Canary.”

My blood froze in my veins.

“They’ve completed it?”

Emmaline appraised Warner’s question, “They believe they have.”

“And that’s all that really matters.” His fingers tightened their grip on my hand and I squeezed back with just as much force. I couldn't feel the rest of my body, I was grasping for anything, and had settled on my power. It covered me like a blanket, extended itself to Warner and wrapped him in it as well. It was protecting us, it would protect us. But not from that, not if they had succeeded.

“Don’t be dramatic,” Emmaline chasitied. “As if I would let them create something powerful enough to neutralize Ella. I’m not an idiot.” That was a pointed statement if I ever heard one.

“What were you doing in Asia?” How could Warner be so calm?

“Testing it, obviously.”

He leaned back, “And?”

Emmaline was silent for a long time. Long enough that I began to count. I hated counting, more than anything. As much as I loved mathematics and sciences, the theory of numbers and how they could organize the entire universe, I despised counting with a passion. Because once I started, it was almost impossible to stop. To pull myself out of that scared little corner of my head that I only fell into against my own will.

1, 2, 3, 4…

Warner’s pointer finger tapped on the inside of my wrist.

“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t serious.” Emmaline continued, “I could have waited for my sister to come home to see her again, but it couldn’t wait. So, here I am.”

“Here you are.”

It was a message, it was a message and I couldn’t decipher it, but I would keep trying. For him. I focused on the feeling. The soft brushes of the pads of his fingers as they typed out a message to me and only me, heavily coded, even in his mind. Emmaline couldn’t read this, only I could. If I just--

“The Unnaturals they found in the last raid have been wiped out. Overseen by Supreme Commander Ibrahim and Mummy dearest, of course. It wasn’t a diplomatic mission, I lied, Nazeera and I watched the precessions.” Warner could no doubt see what Emmaline was recalling in her mind, “Their frequencies, their signatures, just vanished. Like they were dead.”

“But they weren’t dead, not when they disappeared.”

Emmaline nodded, “It was like a blackhole. I’ve never felt anything so… wrong.”

“I can understand that at least.” Warner went quiet again, and deep inside my mind where reality couldn’t touch me I felt all the more trapped losing that tether. I shut my eyes tightly. Without the sound of their voices, the darkness, the frequencies were consuming the edges of the room, and I could feel them sting across my skin. The hand that Warner held was the only place that cooled, like soaked in water, safe. “Love, you need to come back to us now.”

I was weak. How could I be falling apart so easily? Here the two of them were speaking calmly and I was falling apart at the dinner table. If Anderson saw me, if our mother heard--

27, 28, 29, 30…

“Thinking like that isn’t going to get you anywhere, sis.”

Warner’s free hand came up to tuck my hair behind my ear and slid down to cup the side of my face. It was like balm on a sunburn. If I could just move, then I could disappear into the circle of his arms where I would be safe, and loved, and

“Wake up, sweetheart.”

I gasped and the ticking of a clock. The numbers. The counting stopped.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered to the both of them, my eyes trained on the tablecloth. Embarrassment, shame, weakness burned in my gut.

Warner stroked my temple, his eyes never left my face but Emmaline turned away and I had to restrain my own wince. My mind was not a serene place to be in at this moment, that was for damn sure. Maybe if she learned to stay out of my head then she wouldn’t read things she couldn’t stomach.

“But that wouldn’t be very fun, would it?” She mused.

Warner pursed his lips and answered her, gaze still trained on me. “I think that’s enough for tonight. Actually, I think that’s enough entirely. You passed on your information, Emmaline, go home.”

“Gladly,” she responded, “if my sister comes with me.”

“No,”

The noise was raw and strained, I wasn’t sure where it came from until I saw my sister’s eyes turn to me. There was a mix of pity and desperation in them that made me feel all the more sick to my stomach. Maybe she believed the best way to protect me was by us staying together, but if her information had solidified anything it was that I couldn’t return home. Not anytime soon anyway.

“Emma, I can’t.”

“And why not?” Emmaline stood to her full height. She towered over the table, but I could feel her unease rolling off her frequencies in waves. It had been awhile since I had fallen apart in front of her. Probably almost a decade.

“Mum, she plans to test it on me.” To my surprise, my lips didn’t quiver. “It will work.”

“And I’ll stop her.”

I shook my head. She didn’t understand, she couldn’t understand what losing my powers even for a moment would mean for me. The vulnerability that I hadn’t felt since I was a child. How stripping me of something so intertwined with my entire being would be alike to killing me. The fact that the Reestablishment could very well kill me using such an object.

I watched the warring emotions on my sister’s face as she considered my thoughts. I wished that I could read her own and understand why she would be so insistent that I return home with her. It didn’t work. Emmaline turned away from me, and away from the table, and walked back towards the door. We hadn’t even gotten the chance to eat anything. I hadn’t noticed until now.

“Els,” Emmaline called back to me. “I’ll see you in the morning. For training, yeah?”

She paused. I bit my lip, “Of course.”

And with that she nodded and left. The door slamming behind her with more force than necessary and a weight settling in my gut that I could be sure would disappear overnight. I glanced to Warner, his eyes still heavy on my face, and I found something in them that perfectly reflected how I felt. How this whole situation felt.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face into the collar of his jacket. And I cried.

[companionjones]

The Hopper, The Harringtons, And The Hargroves

Requested by: @rachelcarroll1819

Requests:

Could i get a imagine where the reader is the sister of steve Harrington and in a relationship with Billy hargrove and my character is just as close to the party as steve but she a little closer to el and max please and thank you

Could you do a imagine where the reader is the twin sister of steve harrington and in a relationship with Billy hargrove and my character is just as close to the kids as steve but closer with el and max please and thank you if you dont do stranger things can you do a imagine where the reader is the twin sister of barry allen and in a relationship with Leonard snart she has fire powers please

Fandom: Stranger Things

Pairings: Billy Hargrove x Fem!Harrington!Reader, Sibling!Steve Harrington x Fem!Harrington x Reader, Friends!Jane Hopper x Fem!Harrington!Reader x Max Hargrove

Warnings: Cursing

*******

    Living in Hawkins, Indiana was more dangerous than one would’ve thought. That would be especially true if one was friends with the people you were friends with. Actually, it was the kids you were friends with. You were in high school, but you spent the majority of your time with middle-schoolers. To anyone looking in from the outside, you would seem pretty lame. However, you kind of had to stay with those kids because with what they got up to, they really needed someone to look after them.

    Luckily, you weren’t the only almost-adult in the group for long. Your brother, Steve Harrington, soon joined you and your ‘party.’ He was a lot more reluctant than yourself, but through an objectively hilarious series of events, it was so.

    When you met Billy Hargrove, you didn’t want a repeat of your brother. The life you, your sibling, and those kids lead was extremely unsafe. The last thing you wanted was someone else you cared about getting roped into you and your friends’ shenanigans.

    You really did care about Billy. The Hargrove was charming, obviously very attractive, and he was so polite to you.

    Unfortunately, the one downside of it all was Steve. Billy hadn’t been very nice to your brother, and though the blonde did try to make amends with Steve after meeting you, Steve still had trouble with letting the water flow under the bridge.

    One night, you were getting ready for a date with Billy, your then boyfriend of over a month, and you had Jane and Max over to help you put a nice outfit together.

    Jane smiled upon seeing you in your dress. “Very pretty.”

    Max smirked, “Yeah, you look hot. It sucks you’re wasting this on my brother.”

    Giggling, you play scolded the red-head. “Max, be nice. Your brother’s sweet.”

    She rolled her eyes. “Well, now he’s sweet because of you.”

    You tried your best to hide your blush.

    “He’s almost here,” Jane informed. It would’ve been an out-of-nowhere statement, but you and Max knew that was just how Jane was.

    As you walked toward the front door, Billy knocked for the first time.

    He failed to hide his smile upon seeing you. “Stunning as always.”

    “Same to you, you handsome man.” Again, you were giggling.

    Jane loved watching the flirting. She was showing her biggest smile you’d seen from her in a while.

    Max felt the same, but she tried not to show it. Though her lips were curved up, she complained, “Oh, come on you guys. Get out of here.”

    Billy chuckled, “Why don’t you get out of here, huh?”

    “What the hell is this?”

    Oh, no. Since Steve had such a problem with being friendly to Billy, you and the Hargrove decided not to tell your brother when you started going out with the blonde. Max and Jane knew the secret, too, along with who it was to be kept from. Needless to say, it was a problem when Steve showed up at the top of the stairs. You didn’t know he had been home.

    “Steve! Hey!” You tried your best to sound disarming.

    He was obviously still pissed. “No, don’t you ‘Hey Steve’ me. How long have you been lying to me? How long has this been going on?”

    “Over a month,” you cautiously murmured.

    It was as if your twin had just learned the most controversial, stunning, and life-changing news yet to have been conceived. After a few exasperated breaths, and after he tried to angrily say something but couldn’t, Steve stormed out of the living room. Everyone else could hear his bedroom door slam shut.

    Billy asked after a moment too long of silence, “You think we should’ve told him about us?”

    “Yeah,” you sighed. Suddenly there was more than one exasperated person in the house. “Yeah, we should’ve, Hargrove.” Then, you addressed Jane and Max. “I’m gonna go talk to him. You two watch blondie for a while, okay?”

    Jane attentively nodded, but Max groaned, “I’ve been watching him since I was old enough to see him!”

    Chuckling at the red-head’s complaints, you made your way upstairs. “Hey, Harry McPhee.” You didn’t let Steve feelings toward you in that moment affect your ongoing tradition of making fun of his overly styled hair. “...Come on, let me in,” you encouraged, a little softer. You rested your head against his door, and waited.

    He opened it a few seconds later. You walked in, and he shut the door behind you. For a long time, the two of you stood in silence.

    “So, am I going to be the first to say something, or are you?” you audaciously questioned into the quiet.

    He shrugged passively. “Well, I’m not saying anything.” His tone was stony.

    Rolling your eyes, and taking a big sigh, you decided not to bring up the fact that what he had just said was saying something. Anyway, you licked your lips, and stated, “He’s a nice guy, Steve. He’s not like he was.”

    Your brother scoffed, “Yeah, right.”

    Again, you rolled your eyes. You playfully pushed your brother. “Yeah, right,” you repeated with more of a joking tone than Steve had. You then decided to annoy him for a little bit. “Billy holds doors for me, buys me flowers, kisses me so beautifully--”

    “Ah-ah-ah! Stop it! Shut up!” he shouted, his hands covering his ears.

    Once you calmed yourself down from laughing so hard, you realized that you and your brother had moved to the floor. Both your backs were against the side of his bed.

    Steve’s next words took you by surprise. He mumbled, “So, he’s good to you?”

    A smile couldn’t help but spread across your cheeks. “Yeah, Steve. He is. He really is.”

    For another few moments, Steve was quiet again. Then, “Okay.”

    “Really?” you inquired, eyebrows raised, legitimately surprised.

    He nodded, “Yeah. You can date him, Y/n.”

    “Well, I was already dating him,” you quickly skimmed past, “but thank you!” You brought Steve in for a tight hug before getting up and running back downstairs.

    In the living room, you found Max whisper-yelling at Billy as she tried to retie his tie. Jane was off to the side, trying her best to hold in her giggles. Apparently, Max didn’t approve of how her brother fixed his necktie.

    “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down. Comer here,” you motioned the tall blonde over to you. When Billy was within reach, your tried your turn at tying.

    Max seemed to like your version of it.

    Jane, who had just learned the thumbs-up motion, gave you double the sentiment.

    As you finished with his tie, Billy asked you, “What did Steve say?”

    “I said ‘You better not hurt her.’” Steve had suddenly showed up in the entrance of his and your living room. “Understood?”

    Billy nodded seriously, “Understood, Harrington.”

    Steve took steps toward your boyfriend. “Better be, Hargrove.” Your brother shook his hand. “Better be.”

    “Yeah, okay...Remember guys, I’m the one with a boyfriend here...,” you suspiciously drawled, glancing between the two boys, and their prolonged handshake. “Anyway, sorry to tell you this, Stevie.” You quickly took your boyfriend’s hand, and headed for the door. “But can you watch the girls until I get back? I sorta told their parents they’d be sleeping over tonight. Oh, and could you also check on Will and the rest of the boys? They’re all over Mike’s tonight, and his parents and Nancy are out for the night. I should be back by twelve. Love you, bye!” You slammed the door in his face. You only felt half bad that you left your brother with what seemed like all the responsibilities in the world. You and Billy raced off to his car, only stopping for a minute to make out before taking off into the night.

*******

Author’s Note: Thank you for reading! Fill up that heart and reblog if you liked it! If you would like to read more, I have more fics on Stranger Things over on my page, along with other fics on other fandoms. You should go check it out. Also, REQUESTS ARE OPEN. I take requests for one-shots, multi-chapters, headcannons, and preferences. No smut, please. I write for a variety of fandoms. If you’re wondering if I write for a specific fandom, please ask me. Have a nice day, night, or whatever time it is for you.<3

[kronos-the-timelord]

do all the things !!!! from the admitting stuff post !!!!!!!! I dare you !!!!

i’ll do it,,, i’m not a weinie >:l

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? - it was one of my parents so no 2. You talked to an ex today, correct? - no 3. Have you taken someones virginity? - ???? idk???4. Is trust a big issue for you? - kind of,, i was raised to always be wary of ppl, but my friends are some of the ppl i trust the most5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? - no but he’s coming back to the states tomorrow!!!6. What are you excited for? - my bf coming back7. What happened tonight? - i ordered pizza and took a nap8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? - no, but i do get really worried for them bc ppl suck and are horrible9. Is confidence cute? - fuck yeah!!10. What is the last beverage you had? - water11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? - i trust more women, but the guys i do trust are mostly family and then like 3-5 friends/boyfriend’s family 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? - i only own skinny jeans13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? - hang out with my boy and his family14. What are you going to spend money on next? - probably a background check,,,, im not explaining it further15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? - it was my puppy,,, so no,,, but i do give him many cuddles16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? - probably,,,, hopefully,,17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? - tbh @memeathon and @keencheckerboard bc i see them a lot and ive known them for a while,, theyve heard and seen some things about me18. The last time you felt broken? - uhhhhhhhh,, not really sure,,,,, my memory is bad 19. Have you had sex today? - nope20. Are you starting to realize anything? - nuhuh21. Are you in a good mood? - yes22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? - fuck yeah, sign me up 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? - yes24. What do you want right this second? - more reeses 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? - i think the fuck not,,,,, no26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? - yes, but i wanna dye it27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? - no,, i gotta giggle,,i can’t just laugh at myself28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? - my giant dog was curled up on the smallest section of the couch so my mom could cuddle him 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? - my boyfriend ;-;,, he goes to school in england so he’s been gone most of the past school year30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? - i think it depends on the second chance,, like anyone besides someone who cheated, rape/molested, abused, ect. i feel like can get a second chance31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? - no :0,, it was my boy!! i love him!!!32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? - yes,,, he’s known for like 3-4 years33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? - kind of,,, i prefer to drink water, but sometimes i just need that bubble34. Listening to? - noises on my street35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? - yes!! i love pencils,, but ive been using marker pens lately36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? - he’s downstairs being cuddled my mom bc he’s a cuddly puppy37. Do you believe in love at first sight? - no,, like its more of attraction at first sight,, i wouldn’t call it love38. Who did you last call? - my mom39. Who was the last person you danced with? - i think it was one of my coworkers actually,,, we get bored sometimes and just jam at work when we’re doing nothing else40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? - he’s a v cute puppy,, he needs to know he’s loved41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? - i was actually about to go eat one,,,,42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? - yes!!!43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? - oh,, yeah,,,, definitely,,,,44. Do you tan in the nude? - i don’t tan45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? - no,, in fact, i would give him more smooches46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? - no47. Who was the last person to call you? - my manager Rachel!!! shes great and i love her48. Do you sing in the shower? - sometimes,, not lately tho49. Do you dance in the car? - no,, sneezing is difficult,, dancing is more so 50. Ever used a bow and arrow? - yes!! it was one of the years i was at girl scout camp!!51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? - about a year ago,,, it was for my senior pictures52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? - yes, but they’re great!!!53. Is Christmas stressful? - yes and i hate it 54. Ever eat a pierogi? - maybe??? idk55. Favorite type of fruit pie? - apple56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? - obstetric nurse!!57. Do you believe in ghosts? - yes,, too many weird things have happened to me and my family to not to 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? - yes,, when i was younger i used to get dreams that like, predicted, what was going to happen the next day,, like one that i remember is in 3rd grade is my friend was standing in front of the lockers in a blue shirt (i knew he didnt have one) and the next he came in and showed my his new shirt (blue) that he got after school that matched the lockers59. Take a vitamin daily? - no60. Wear slippers? - sometimes,, but i made them my outside slippers,,, ones that i wear when i dont want to wear actually shoes61. Wear a bath robe? - no, but ive looked at them before,, i want one62. What do you wear to bed? - t-shirt/tank top and either shorts or just my underwear63. First concert? - uhhhh, i think it was one on vacation,, but they were a band that dressed up as the beetles and played their songs64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? - ive sold my soul to target65. Nike or Adidas? - adidas (its my bf favorite brand)66. Cheetos Or Fritos? - cheetos67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? - sunflower seeds68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? - look what you made me do69. Ever take dance lessons? - i took ballet when i was younger70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? - not really,,71. Can you curl your tongue? - yes72. Ever won a spelling bee? - i got 3rd place in the one during second grade that was only for the second graders and v unofficial 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? - yes74. What is your favorite book? - the reciever of many series that @kata-chthonia has written,, its really good 10/10 would recommend 75. Do you study better with or without music? - its gotta be instrumentals or i do have a playlist that only has an africa cover my ninja sex party and i listen to that on repeat76. Regularly burn incense? - no,, but i burn many candles77. Ever been in love? - yes78. Who would you like to see in concert? - no one,,, im not the biggest fan of concerts79. What was the last concert you saw? - my highschools band 80. Hot tea or cold tea? - hot tea!!81. Tea or coffee? - tea!!!82. Favorite type of cookie? - chocolate chip83. Can you swim well? - yes,,, not commonly known fact but i wear a size 11 shoe (they’re actually bigger than my boyfriends and i think thats hilarious) so my feet are kinda like flippers84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? - yes, but not for long85. Are you patient? - yes86. DJ or band, at a wedding? - probably a dj bc its cheaper, but a band sounds fun!!!87. Ever won a contest? - yes, but it was a v tiny one on amino that im not part of any more 88. Ever have plastic surgery? - nope and dont want it89. Which are better black or green olives? - black,, but i do like the purple ones90. Opinions on sex before marriage? - im cool with it,, just depends on the ppl91. Best room for a fireplace? - living room92. Do you want to get married? - yeah

[moodymurda]

think i lost my best friend

as a small child my first first best friend was a boy named omar. we met in daycare when we were two. we were the smallest in the class but had the biggest mouths. we ended up going to the same schools until 4th grade. at our elementary school anytime someone claimed me as a best friend, he would explain that we went way back to diapers and they weren’t my best friend lmao. 

in pre-k i met a boy named hakeem. (our mom’s ended up being friends, they still talk occasionally and sometimes my mom will tell me how hakeem and his siblings are doing. because she know my weird ass cares about that sort of thing). hakeem brought these lemon cookies everyday for snack. i liked them too but in strawberry, so he would have his mom get me some and he brought me those cookies everyday until we changed schools in first grade. we always sat together, did our work together, played together. we had other friends but we mostly did everything together. 

in first grade i had 2 best friends. a boy named franklyn and a girl named melody. melody moved away like 4 months into the school year but to this day i’ve never forgotten her. franklyn, i thought he was so cool. he was a really great artist.. for a 6 year old lol. he was real funny too. he had the funniest facial expressions. and he was real serious which i was entertained by because i’ve always been “silly”. 

in 4th grade i met a girl named shanelle. we were the shortest girls in the class and the smartest. we were really similar in general and we instantly clicked. it was a whole lil group of girls that i’d known since first grade. but shanelle and i ended up in the same class in 4th grade and we clicked idk. that was my mf girl. when i first moved to florida we talked on the phone every saturday for hours. i also met a boy named anias that year. he was one of my best friends too. he was also my first crush lol. unrelated but it’s interesting to look back at how i handled the fact that i liked him, because i still handle liking people that same way.

fifth grade was my first year in florida. it was real hard for me to make friends. the other day, my mom said to me she realized that in new york i never had to make friends. i have bout 5011 cousins, so that's built in friends right there. and they were my friends back then, they're my friends now. then most of the kids i went to daycare with, they went to my elementary school. so again i never had to make a friend really. i knew everyone in my life since i was a literal infant. 

but yea i did end up making friends eventually. got my first white friends ever lol. (one of their dad’s called me a nigger which is still hands down one of the weirdest things i’ve ever experienced.) i started to befriend more girls which was cool because before then i always had way more guy friends than girls. 

in middle school i went to one school for 6th grade, then another for 7th & 8th. in 6th i met my friend nijah. and she was my best friend then. she treated me like i was her little sister and i’m still grateful. she really looked out for my little ass and defended me no matter what. she was present after i got into my first fight lol. and even though i held my own, the girl had scratched my face. that shit set nijah off and she proceeded to beat homegirl’s ass even though i just did.

i struggled to make friends in 7th again. in 6th grade i went to the same school that most of my elementary friends went to, so again i didn’t have to make friends for real. i did make new friends but it was different because it was a group thing. not me alone trying to fit in somewhere. in 7th grade i finally got into a school i applied to in 5th grade but was wait-listed. i was and am very reluctant to speak to those i don’t know for a list of reasons. so i didn’t. i would just observe the people in my class. eventually these two girls named janae and keely who were best friends, kinda let me stick my ass in there with them. then i met bart and this girl dani. i remember marcus and i had ended up befriending one another bc our history teacher sat us next to each other when he was reassigning seats. (i remember every mf thing but marcus was also my second crush so naturally i remember every detail of that shit). so yea those were my friends. at the time janae was my best friend tho. she was the only other black girl in the class that would talk to me and didn’t think i was weird. it was because her ass was weird too lol. i didn’t act like the rest of the black girls and they really only spoke to me to make fun of me. which i knew, but i’ve never been one to entertain shit unless “you got beat my ass about it”. 

in 8th grade janae and i met this group of girls. morgan, dejahnna, atlantis, and jarvayssia. some shit shifted that year and morgan and dejahanna became my best friends. they were the first friends i ever hang out with outside of school. it made me feel so good to be invited to shit and to feel included. to feel like a normal ass 13 yr old felt amazing. 

so in high school there were two schools all the magnet school kids would usually apply to. stanton and paxon. with the exception of keely, bart, and a few other people i didn't mention here. every single person i was close with in middle school, went to paxon. what's crazy is most of my friends were going for stanton because in jax it’s the “better” school as far as ranking goes. i don't even remember why but when i toured paxon, i liked it more than stanton and i wanted to go there. it’s still funny to me that my ass didn’t want to go to stanton but was one of the only ones in my close friend group to get in. 

so yea at stanton is struggled. a lot. personally but also in the friend department. to put it plainly i had none. people didn't really talk to me or acknowledge me really. at first i didn’t mind it. but then having a fucked up home situation and having no friends just made me feel real shitty. there was that thing again, with people talking to me only to make fun of me. some of those same people would turn around senior year and try to be my friend senior year which was hilarious to me at the time. it was like they forgot how they treated my extra depressed ass back then. i met this girl chelsey in 10th grade and she was hella sweet. she basically forced me on her friends and they became my friends.

okay so anyway, in 11th grade i met a girl named ahmani. she was in my chorus class. i remember our first encounter, it was towards the beginning of the school year. stanton was playing paxon and it was the game everyone went to ya know. i wanted to go but my mom couldn't take me. so everyone is talking about it and someone asked if i was coming. i said no and why, ahmani ended up asking me what side of town i lived on. we realized we dead lived like 7 minutes away from each other. she offered to pick me up and bring me to the game w her. i was amazed that she was willing to, i know that dont sound like a big deal but to me it was. people weren’t nice to me bro. like ever. so for her to do that it meant a lot. she ended up being my ride every mf where. she is dead the reason i hung out w people outside of school w my friends. she took me everywhere with her. sometimes we would just sit in the car and talk or listen to music. we had a group of friends, it was 5 of us. but i was the closest with her. 

i admired her. i thought she was so strong and resilient. she's hella awkward but she owns it. she's low-key/highkey anxious sometimes but she works through it. no one i’ve ever met works harder to achieve shit than she is. she sings so beautifully. she is beautiful. she's a caretaker of basically anyone she knows. she is a light, she was my light for so long when i needed it. we’re pretty different but also a lot alike. we just worked. i always told her where i fall short she picks up my slack and vice versa. we might be a bit of a mess separately but our heads working together is unstoppable. we’re kinda a mess together too honestly but it’s us.

in college we didn't spend as much time together. we both stayed home for two years and went to a community college. we would hang out like weekly i think. i’m pretty sure we saw each other once a week at the very least. but then she went to orlando for university and i went to UNF which in jax. we didn’t talk all that much and i understood. i wasn't necessarily too busy, but thats because i just never am that fucking busy lmfao. idk the way i go through life is weird. i only make time for the shit and people i want to make time for. i refuse to do anything i dont want to. and that isn’t necessarily my best trait but I'm working on it. but yea i guess she was busier than i? idk when i don’t speak to people for a while i dont make a big deal. i tell myself it isn’t on purpose and i move on. i often tell myself not to apply more importance to my life than what is necessary. especially when others are involved. again, not my best trait but i’m working on it. 

so yea though our communication got limited i still considered her my best friend. when she would come to the city, if she had time we hung out. i always have time lmfao, always. again i know other people’s lives are more full than mine. well i assume so. anyway. we spoke on the phone. we were there when the other needed i think. i try hard not to need people. like not to call them or burden them with my issues. i try real hard. but when she needed me i was there. not to say i’ve ever needed her and she wasn’t there. because that isn’t the case at all. 

recently we planned to move to chicago together. a whole chain of events happened and now we aren’t. i’m still moving and i’m pretty sure she is too. just not together. the way it happened is really fucking with me. i don’t wanna get into it bc of privacy and shit. but i will say that i am hurt. im really hurt and im confused and im beating myself up over some shit that everyone keeps telling me isn't my fault. feels like my fault though. that feels like the only explanation. i dont know.

i’ve been thiniking a lot. about friends and how i never really had any. i just spoke to people so i wasn't alone or sometimes i just spoke to no one and made myself be okay with it. and now i have this group of friends and we’re like family. everyone that is my friend currently is my family. all of my friends i have currently i made over the internet. and i was bothered by that im not even gonna lie. it felt good to still have ahmani bc i would see her more than i see my other friends. i still have some i didn't meet yet. idk i just.. im the only person in my like personal life with internet friends. like in my family. and i felt like i just fed the fact that my family thinks im not even the least bit “normal”. then i started to feel bad. because it felt like that meant i was ashamed of my friends.and i’m not. i love them. i dont wanna lose any of them any time soon. and i’m realizing i dont need anyone’s approval to make those friendships “real” or valid. because they are real and valid to me. 

but yea i dont think ahmani and i will be friends anymore. or if we do end up being friends again, we probably won't speak for a while. i don’t know what that means. but losing a friend sucks a whole lot and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 

[andremarcusburky]

Can you do what Travis Konecny is like as a boyfriend? You’re so good at those things I live for them!!!

A/N: OMG WHAT HAVE I FUCKING DONE IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I WENT WAY OVERBOARD ITS TOO MUCH BUT ALSO I DONT WANNA DELETE ANYTHING IM SO SORRY GUYS IT WASNT INTENTIONAL also thanks babe thats very kind of you

masterlist

it was far from love at first sight

when you first met he had a really bad day and came off as a little rude

it wasn’t intentional but he just didnt have the energy to make an effort to seem interested in talking to you

and you were at a get-together at a friend of yours

and like he was just really distant so you thought he disliked you for whatever reason

and he was a bit of an ass to his friends who just tried to cheer him up

lbh we all have those shitty days 

but your first impression was that he was an ass

so you didnt like him much after that

next time you met he was a lot nicer but you didnt like him (remember?) and you can kind of feel when someone doesnt like you, you feel me?

you werent fighting or bitching or anything but like you werent friends

it took a whole year before things turned around

that friend you had in common who kept bringing you together was having a fourth of july dinner-party-ish thingy

there were games and people were paired up into teams etc

and then you were paired up with tk

which was hella awkward at first

but the both of you are competitive af and desperately want to win so you went for it

at one point you were gonna try to make a human pyramid with two people only

so you guys tried to do a shoulder stand

which was really hard and you fell over a million times before you managed to get it right

and you had so much fun while doing it because it was truly ridiculous

lets remember that this would have had to be kinda physical, like when you fell over he fell with you and you dragged him down on top of you more than once

when you got it right and you came down he scooped you up as a celly and you were both still laughing

you became the champs and won the whole fucking shit

the price was a bottle of champagne which you both shared

and that’s when you became friends

you spend some more time together that night and talked about everything you didnt know about one another

it turned out you had a lot in common

sparkssparkssparkssparks

you were just friends for about two months 

met here and there are parties and dinners and what not but never really alone

although you always hung out at these things

and then you ran into each other at a club

he was there with a couple teammates and you with some of your friends

you greeted and everything but they were in a booth that was full and you were too many so you didnt hang out 

you couldn’t help but search for him through the crowd every now and then though

because lets me honest you guys were crushing on each other

and he did the same (while his teammates were chirping him about it because he hadn’t told them about the girl he so obviously liked)

and your friends noticed too and tried to get you to go over to him and stuff but you never did

and then you were dancing and having fun 

until some dude shows up

YES HERE WE FUCKING GO GUYS YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS COMING

and starts pestering you 

and he wont fucking take a no

eventually you actually tell him to fuck right off because youre done with his bullshit

he gets hella angry and scary

and out of the blue comes TK

and we all know what TK is like

but like for once he was actually a bit bigger than the asshole so his odds are better than they ever have been before lmao

“you’ll leave her the fuck alone right now”

but this guy was actually really fucking scary and started threatening TK

and there’s a fight

but like he didnt start it it was actually the other guy for the first time ever

Travis actually had a fistfight in a club to defend you

it was scary actually, hockey is one thing but in public? that was something else and it freaked you out a bit

it made the news, he was banned from the club (lmao) and he got into A LOT of trouble because of it

but he never regretted it

when the guards managed to break them up he was obviously kicked out

you followed to make sure he was alright

he was so angry and frustrated and his lip was bruised but the other guy looked way worse

he kept telling you he was alright and that he was just gonna go home but you didnt just wanna leave him like that after he stood up for you

“I cant just let you go after that? maybe we should go to the hospital?”

he laughed at you

“listen I just cant leave you, it would be wrong”

“then come home with me”

oh my

oh my indeed

listen he didnt ask you to have sex with him but like to go home with him to be with him you know? but also like if you wanna have sex its not like he’d ever say no lol

so you got into an uber and went to his place

twenty minutes later you’re in his bathroom and he’s sitting on the edge of his tub while you’re trying to clean his lip

you’re both still a little drunk

and he cant stop himself from staring up at you the entire time

and you obviously notice but you pretend like you dont because you dont know how to act

eventually you meet his eyes though

and he smiles at you 

and you smile back

and here we go guys

here we motherfucking gooooo

he stands up and hovers over you

and you gulp and like suddenly youre a little nervous

he used to be when he was sitting down but now he’s just so fucking determined that youre gonna be his and he’ll make sure that it happens

his hand softly runs by your jawline

grabs your face and leans in

you both close your eyes and your lips meet and wowowowowoowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowooowowowowowowowowoowowowowo

then it tasted like a little blood because he started bleeding again

because you know blood pressure tends to rise when youre having fun

he avoided your eyes and sat down to let you dab away at the blood again

you had the biggest smile on your face

when he finally looked up and met your eyes he started smiling too

so yeah that was that

but like wow it was great

you didnt have sex that night but you slept together and cuddled away

the next day he made you breakfast and things were that good kind of awkward if you know what I mean? like it was a little awkward because you werent drunk anymore but it was a happy excited awkward 

then you had to leave because he had to go hakstol and a bunch of other people so they could yell at him for fighting in a bar

they later had an entire fucking press conference where TK explained why he was fighting and his fanbase actually kinda grew lmao

anyway so two nights after all that happened you called him to see if he wanted to hang out

so he came over

long story short good nice very great sex

and now you’re his girlfriend.

he’s moody sometimes

you fight a little

not really over things but its more like he’s in a mood or being rude which makes you moody and then you start nagging on each other without actually fighting over anything

but you always make up (sex)

when you’re not fighting you guys are power couple #1

you always make each other laugh with the stupidest things and you’re always close and super touchy

meaning cuddly as well

oh he loves to cuddle

if you’re home by yourselves then his arms are around you at least 90% of the time

and he’s always praising you

god whenever you put some outfit together which is everyday because clothes aren’t really optional he’s giving you some comment

“oh my god baby, look at that ass!”

“911 I believe a lioness has escaped the zoo”

listen you guys are best friends

would do anything for each other

when he’s lost a game you put some 90′s rap on in the car and start rapping along because lbh you cant rap and its hilarious

he always laughs and has a good time

god he loves you

oh right the first ‘I love you’

it just slipped out of his mouth

you fell for each other fast

real fast

so it was only a month into the relationship

but you did love one another 

you’d spent the night at his and woke up before him

thirty minutes later he found you in his kitchen making pancakes

“babe you were gonna get breakfast in bed!”

he decided to help you out instead

which ended with him intentionally spilling batter on you

and you had a mini food fight

it all ended when he wrapped you in his arms from behind and you were both laughing and being cute

it was that kind of breathtaking laughter that hurts a little

when you finally calmed down he just sighed and said it without thinking

“god I love you”

and you froze

and he realized what he said

you turned around in his grasp and he looked so fucking scared

so you kissed him so passionately asdfghjklö

“I love you too, T”

[inawickedlittletown]

Walking The Wire (106/?)

Summary: Tony Stark always knew about Peter Parker. He didn’t know that Peter was going to get superpowers and become Spider-Man, but he always knew about Peter because Peter was his son.

This will span from pre-Iron Man up through the rest of the MCU (eventually including Infinity War) and will be for the most part canon compliant except where I’ve taken some liberties and interpreted canon a certain way.

Pairings: Pepper/Tony, Tony/Steve (endgame), Tony/Mary (past)

A/N: If you want me to tag you when I post new chapters let me know. This fic is also on AO3

I used Collider’s MCU timeline to stay canon and the title of this fic is an Imagine Dragons song that is just so fitting for Peter and Tony

@findmeinthestarss

Masterpost

Chapter One Hundred Five

It turned out that having Michelle know he was Spider-Man and acknowledging that she did was a good thing. Michelle was just all that much better about covering for Peter. Just the other day when they’d gone on a small class trip and Peter had spotted a mugging happening, it was Michelle that had distracted everyone long enough for Peter to get away unnoticed and then again when he rejoined them.

The only thing about Michelle was that unlike Ned, she actually seemed concerned about what Peter got up to. She worried. It was weird especially when she pretended that she didn’t in person and then sent him long rambling texts about how he wasn’t being careful and how close he came to getting injured or hurting others.

It was all on par with how much coverage Spider-Man had started to get from the media which Peter didn’t particularly like. At first it had seemed cool to be mentioned on the news all the time and to have articles about Spider-Man popping up everywhere. His favorite were the YouTube videos since those were usually fun to watch mostly because they weren’t all made by anyone truly professional. But after a while, even those got old. It got annoying. Tony definitely disliked it.

“I just don’t like how interested everyone seems to be in finding out your identity,” his dad said while they were tinkering in the workshop. “It’s none of their business.”

Peter liked listening to him rant. It was kind of hilarious especially when one considered Tony’s own media presence basically his entirely life.

“And it’s not like we’ve announced that you’re an Avenger or anything but some reason they just seem to associate you with us.”

That’s when Steve spoke up. “That’s because they see you out and about with him all the time as Iron Man and Iron Man is an Avenger.”

“That isn’t the point,” Tony said.

“And also, Peter’s the only hero that’s popped up that has a hidden identity. Gives everyone a mystery to want to solve.”

Tony muttered some more and Peter tried not to laugh. He could tell that Steve was amused too.

Since all that stuff with The Vulture, Tony still did tend to show up when Peter needed help. He was better about letting Peter be involved in things especially when they didn’t involve alien tech. They had stopped some weird guy with what seemed to be some sort of power -- Tony said he was probably an inhuman -- just the other day from destroying a big portion of Greenwich Village. The guy hadn’t been doing it on purpose it turned out it. It was just that his powers were so unstable. Peter had been glad to have Tony there because he didn’t a single person could have handled everything that instance entailed. Even Vision had made an appearance for that. In the end they had subdued the guy and Tony had handed him over to a the new Shield.

“But also, it’s not just the identity thing,” Tony kept on, “it’s that there’s varying degrees of coverage. He’s good for the city. He’s a vigilante. He’s an Avenger. He’s not. It’s ridiculous. At least no one seems to have put together that I built your suit. Or at least no one’s written an article about it yet. And can you imagine if anyone found out I had a son? Because then they would definitely start questioning whether you were the one under the mask and then my parenting would come into question.”

It was no surprise to Peter that Ned loved it. He had a whole collection on articles written about him and he would send Peter the more outrageous ones and Peter would pass those on to Steve because Steve loved reading them too. May seemed to agree with Tony on the whole matter. But then, May also tended to try and get Peter to quit being Spider-Man altogether whenever she saw him and it wasn’t something that was ever likely to stop. She liked to bring up questions about school and girlfriends and college and how Spider-Man wouldn’t be an ideal addition to any of those as her way of asking him to stop.

As he stepped out of Midtown one afternoon, Peter was surprised when he spotted Tony complete with a baseball cap, sunglasses, a grin, and a thermal cup that probably contained coffee, leaning against a sleek black car that at least proved to be his least flashy. Still, no matter how hard he was trying, he looked out of place and people were noticing him.

Michelle who had walked out with him spotted Tony with no problem and when Peter glanced at her he could practically see her thinking. Her left eyebrow rose and she stared him down.

“Is Tony Stark actually picking you up right now?”

Peter shook his head. “Nope. It’s all in your imagination. You’re hallucinating.”

Michelle laughed -- cackled more like and Peter grinned back at her as she nudged him and rolled her eyes. Ned appeared then, busy with his backpack as he walked, and only managing to not run into anyone because anyone in his path dodged him.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“Your boy here is being picked up by Tony Stark. Fancy that. I bet Flash will be jealous.”

“Which is why I’m going to go before anyone else notices,” Peter said and rushed away. When he looked back Michelle waved and Ned grinned at him and gave him thumbs up.

“Hey,” Peter said when he was close enough.

“Hi, kiddo,” his dad said, “I was in the area so I figured I’d come by and get you. I was also sort of craving this apple crostini this one restaurant has so we’re going to have to make a stop for that. Up for it?”

Peter rolled his eyes but nodded. “Sure.”

They got into the car and when Peter looked out the window he realized that a few people were watching them. Someone must have caught onto Tony being there. Not that it really mattered since everyone knew that Peter had a Stark Internship. Of course, no intern could have ever expected for Tony Stark himself to show up to pick them up from school. He was definitely going to hear about it.

The restaurant Tony took them to was a hole in the wall that no one would have ever noticed and yet it was busy. A well known secret. Nevertheless, they were seated at a discrete table towards the back without much wait which told Peter that Tony had called ahead.

“Why are we really here?” Peter asked.

“I told you -- apple crostini. Also, remind me to order one to go because Steve would kill us if we don’t bring him one back. We used to come here sometimes back in the day.”

“Oh,” Peter said.

His dad never really talked about how he and Steve had come to be and Peter didn’t really have any questions or want to know details, but he loved when Tony slipped in something that hinted at a past memory. It made him realize how normal it all was in some ways. Sometimes, it was still shocking to think about Iron Man and Captain America in a romantic relationship or to consider that they were getting married until he thought about them as Tony and Steve -- his dad and his dad’s fiance.

“Truth is, I wanted to catch up with you,” Tony said. “Things have been a bit crazy lately. Haven’t really spent much time with you on our own. Steve or someone else is usually around.”

Peter hadn’t -- no, he’d noticed, it was just that he hadn’t minded. He’d never expected to have Tony to himself all the time and had felt lucky when he did even if then it had been broken up to a few hours here and there and now he was living in the tower and had access to Tony all the time and it didn’t really matter that there were other people around.   

“We can start with, who was the girl?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Who, Michelle? I’ve told you about her. She’s the one that figured out I’m Spider-Man all on her own.”

“MJ. You said someone named MJ did.”

“Michelle Jones. She likes to be called MJ. Anyway, that was her.”

Tony nodded. The waitress approached then and Tony ordered the apple crostinis and remembered to order the one to go as well without Peter needing to remind him.

“So she’s super smart and observant,” Tony said.

“Yup. Definitely knew it was you waiting for me. Actually, I think a few people figured it out.”

Tony shrugged with a grin. “And they can all wonder about what your internship entails once more.”

Tony started asking about how things were going in school next and Peter filled him in even though he was sure he’d mentioned some of it to him in passing over the last few weeks.

The apple crostini turned out to be amazing. He was in the middle of telling Tony about what they’d started working on in physics when it arrived and after one bite of the crunchy and flaky crust with the warm apple filling and the ice cream and Peter was in heaven.

“I told you so,” Tony said.

“This is the best thing ever,” Peter said.

It was nice to have some time on his own with Tony. Tony told him all about how the board members were driving him and Pepper crazy because they didn’t like that Tony’s concern wasn’t all about profit when it came to the prosthetic division even when it came to custom projects.

“It’s like they don’t understand how good the PR is although that obviously isn’t why we’re doing it.”

“But it’s your company,” Peter said.

“Pepper and I own more than half of the shares of the company, sure, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have to deal with the board of directors. It’s the side of business that I don’t particularly like. Pepper is awesome at it. It’s all stuff you’ll have to learn about if you want to take over the company one day--”

“Um, what?” Peter said and almost choked on a piece of apple.

Tony chuckled. “Won’t be for a while and it’s up to you if you want it. It’s not an obligation, you know. You could find your own Pepper Potts and have someone else run it if you prefer. I rather you do what you want than what you think I want you to do so--”

Peter had sort of forgotten about how Tony had broken the news to him what felt like ages ago even though it hadn’t even been a full year yet. He’d forgotten how Tony told him that he would inherit everything as if that had been the right way to let him know that Tony was his father. Since then, Peter hadn’t really thought about it or the reality of what it actually meant which meant that it was overwhelming information to take in.

“I -- that’s--”

“What, did you forget that I’m Tony Stark? You’re my heir, kid, to this whole crazy company and whatever else I’ve accumulated.”

“But what if -- what if you and Steve have kids?” Peter asked.

It wasn’t something he’d considered before that moment, but wasn’t that what people did after they got married? They went and had kids. Peter was aware that Tony and Steve were both men but there were ways around that -- surrogacy or adoption or other weirder things. It was possible. Peter didn’t know if -- well, he didn’t know if he’d be thrilled about it if they did have kids. He felt weird even just thinking about it.

“Not really something we’ve discussed,” Tony said and he seemed to notice that Peter seemed uncomfortable. “And even if we did decide to have kids it wouldn’t be for a long while, Pete.”

“Oh,” Peter said. But they could still have some even if Peter was fully grown when they did--

Tony grabbed his hand. Tony’s hand was warm and familiar and Peter allowed himself to calm down. “Peter, you’re my kid. I -- I love you, kid. Not something that will ever change. I’ll always be here for you no matter what. Even if Steve and I adopt a hundred kids. You’re still always going to be my son and you’re the most important person in my life.”

Peter hadn’t expected Tony to say that. Those three words. Tony had said them before, he was sure, but Peter couldn’t actually remember. He certainly hadn’t expected them in the moment.

“I don’t think even Steve will want to adopt that many kids,” Peter said.

“If he even wants to,” Tony said with a shrug. “I’m not saying I wouldn’t be opposed to another kid -- it’s just I’d be fine with just you.”

“Oh,” Peter said. “But you didn’t get to raise me. Not really. Don’t you want that -- the whole baby thing?” Peter didn’t really understand why people were so keen on babies. He knew they were cute but they also cried and made messes and couldn’t really do anything and he actually -- he couldn’t see Tony or even Steve dealing with a baby well.

“That doesn’t matter. Clearly, it doesn’t. You’re still my kid, Peter, and as has been established you clearly need me a lot too no matter what your age is.”

Peter nodded. “I kind of do,” Peter said and then because he couldn’t say anything else, “I, um, I love you too, dad.”

He thought that Tony’s eyes got a bit misty at that and Peter realized that he’d never actually said it out loud before. But it was true. It had been true for a while. Peter loved Tony. He loved his dad and everything that he was and did for Peter. He was one of the best people he knew and Peter would forever be glad that he knew who his father was and that it was someone as amazing as Tony Stark.

Chapter One Hundred Seven

[tomhollandisdaddyaf]

Cheater Cheater

Authors note: Tom sees a picture of you and a musician leaving a club in LA and thinks you’ve been cheating, also I just picked that photo of Perrie Edwards as a reference to what the photo would be. Enjoy :)

Tom’s jet was set to land in an hour, at the beginning of the journey all he could think about was getting home to you. Now, however, all he could think about was the photos.

About an hour into the flight, when the wifi was enabled, Tom’s publicist sat beside him. “Tom, sweetie,” she was using her mom voice on him. 

“Whats wrong?” Tom perked up, worried that something had gone wrong or there was a delay in him getting home. 

“An editor from TMZ, a friend of mine, distant friend but,” She held her iPhone close to her chest. “He sent me this as a courtesy, but they won’t pull the story,” Handing him the phone.

“How bad is it?” Running his fingers through his hair, expecting a headline about being rude to a fan. Instead, his heart dropped into his stomach.

TOM HOLLAND’S GIRLFRIEND CAUGHT CHEATING LAST NIGHT IN LA? 

Tom Holland, your friendly spider, may not be the only boy y/n y/l/n is getting friendly with. Photos of Y/N coming out of a club late last night in downtown LA, on the arm of up and coming musician Guner, who was said to be playing in the club that night. Sources say she arrived alone and met up with the musician after his set. 

Tom couldn’t believe what he seeing, it was clear as day, there you were with your arm around another mans arm. 

Harrison replaced the seat beside Tom, “Let’s not jump to conclusions mate, there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation?” Harrison had always taken your side and wanted to believe that it was nothing more than a friendly night with a picture taken out of context. 

“I didn’t know they were friends?” Tom handed the phone back to Harrison who nodded at the publicist. “If she were going out with friends she would have told me,” Hot tears threatened, swallowing them down he looked at his best friend “I love this girl, I wanted to marry this girl,” 

Tom was now seated against the window, ignoring the commotion of his best friend and brothers messing around. Scrolling through photos of the two of you from 6 months ago, the last time you had seen each other. 

YOUR POV

Last night was a much needed break from the stress of finally finishing your senior thesis, now just to kick back and wait 2 more weeks until graduation and you’ll have college degree. Nothing could go wrong, you finally met Guner, your best friends secret boyfriend, who was nothing but a total gentleman last night. You and your best friend had gotten a little too tipsy on free booze and needed to be walked to the car seperately as there was no way he could carry both of you to the car. Not in the stilleto heels you both refused to take off. When it was your turn to be walked to the car, you had enough of a sense not to be caught drunk off your ass, for Tom’s sake, he didn’t need his drunk girlfriend being carried out of a club with her best friend. But today your love bug was coming home, your hair was done in loose waves, faux lashes and a sultry red dress, slaving for hours over a perfect 3 course meal. Tom would appreciate it, a home cooked meal followed by intense love making and a long bubble bath. A bottle of champagne on ice, and a pack of stellas in the fridge, tom’s find my friends said he would be pulling up into the driveway any second now. You heard the front door open and close, perching yourself on the counter, the room only lit by candles, you held your breath as he walked in. 

“Welcome Home my love!” You squealed, you wanted to be seductive but your excitement taking over. 

“What is all this?” He hadn’t looked up at you, looking at the table set with disgust. 

“I thought you’d want a nice home cooked meal,” your voice low and dripping with disappointment, “I made all your favorites,” 

Taking a deep breath Tom looked at you “What is this for? You think dinner is going to make me forgive you?”

“Forgive me? For what?” Walking towards him, your hand landing on his arm, which he pushed off. “What the fuck is your problem? I spent all fucking day making all of this for you, and you’re mad because, what?” 

Tom looked you up and down, a look in his eyes you had never seen before, hatred. “You thought I wasn’t going to see the photos from last night?” 

“You’re honestly pissy because I was drunk last night?” Kicking off your heels, pulling up a chair. “I’m an adult Thomas, I can get drunk with my friends if I want,”

“That you most certainly can, but next time you’re going to fuck someone behind my back, maybe don’t get caught leaving a club with him, yeah?” Tom could hardly look at you.

“Excuse me?” You stood up, marching your way towards him, “And who the fuck am I fucking Tom? Please, oh for the love of fucking God tell me who am I fucking?” Pressing your finger hard into his leather jacket.

“Here,” handing you his cell phone with the photo of you and Guner last night, “What the fuck is this huh?” Hot tears leaking down his face.

“Guner? You think I’m fucking Guner? That’s fucking hilarious, so fucking funny,” Biting your lip, tears now coming down your face, “Fuck off Tom, like actually go fuck yourself,”

“Me? Fuck you! I’m gone for 6 months and you decide to start fucking someone behind my back? Seriously? You think this guy is better than me?” Toms voice cracking, looking down at you.

“YOU LEFT ME HERE TOM!” Shoving him slightly “You left for 6 months, never ever inviting me to go see you, never ever letting me come up. Now i’ve ignored every rumor that you’re fucking someone else,” Turning away from him, you felt your heart shattering, “And you wanna accuse me of cheating because of a photo?”

“If you did nothing wrong, then why didn’t you tell me you were going out last night?” Rubbing his mouth in frustration

“Why the fuck would I need your fucking permission you possesive prick?!” You couldn’t handle it anymore, he had no idea how hard this was on you. “Do you ask my permission when you miss a skype call because you and Harrison can’t fucking keep your hands off a god damn bottle? Should we talk about that Thomas? Should we talk about all the girls on Instagram you follow, so many fucking models Tommy, and we both fucking know I don’t look like that.” Your eyelashes were hardly hanging on now, mascara running down your face. “You wanna fucking check my phone? Go right the fuck ahead!” Throwing him your cell phone, grabbing your keys off the hook, his hand grabbing your arm. “You have two seconds to let go of me,” Sniffling, he complied and you stormed off bare foot and heart broken. 

Left alone Tom sat in the chair, going through your cell phone, a series of texts coming through all at once

> I am so thankful that you met Guner last night, I’m so glad you got out of that house last night, hope Tom loved the food you made for him!

>Ok but, isn’t he so sweet for taking our drunk asses home? tbh, i might love him dude!

>Last text I promise! You’re a babe!

>holy shit i just saw the TMZ thing, are you okay?? dont worry, Guner’s publicist is on it!

>tom will understand so don’t stress and let me figure it out, i got us into this mess, just stay strong n remember graduation is 2 weeks away! you did it!

Tom felt like the worlds biggest piece of shit, looking up at the meal you had made him, back to the texts from your best friend, he fucked up. 

You drove around LA before parking in an empty lot, tears rushing down your face, barefoot in LA, no phone, no money, too hurt to go home, and too proud to go to a friends, you stayed in your car all night crying your eyes out, ruining the red silk in an attempt to clean your eyes when an officer tapped on your window. 

“Ma’am? Everything alright?” His voice sweet and soft, signaling to his partner to join him.

“Heartbroken, but physically I’m okay,” You coughed, looking up at him. 

“Hey sweetie, mind stepping out of the car?” The female officer asked, “We just have to make sure you’re not drunk or anything ya know? It’s LA,” 

“Yeah, but I’m kind of barefoot, had a fight with my boyfriend and stormed out,” You realized how that sounded, shaking your head, “He didn’t hit me or anything like that, he just accused me of cheating on him and I haven’t seen him in almost a year and I tried really hard tonight ya know?” Shaking your head again and getting out of the car, you had the sense to leave your license in the glove box, and after a chat you sat on the hood of your car with the female officer, drinking black coffee at 3 am, telling all your woes to this stranger. 

“Go home sweet heart, go somewhere, LA at night is not the place you wanna be right now, not now,” Signaling to your current state. 

“Yeah, thats probably a good idea,” You both slid off the hood, waving goodnight as they waited for your car to exit the lot, driving back to your shared home, turning off the lights before pulling into the driveway. You could go inside and be confronted again, or you could sit in your car and cry some more, which is exactly what you did. Locking the doors, turning off the engine, you crawled into the backseat and sobbed into the leather.

Tom hadn’t left his position in the dining room chair, except to put away the meal you had prepared, finding a note on the 6 pack;

I LOVE YOU! Please Enjoy this and meet me upstairs ;) btw, yes I am using sex and beer as a way to get you to clean the kitchen but you love me!

Fuck did he love you, and he fucked up horribly. He let you walk out without a word, without your shoes or your cell phone or even a coat. He sat back against the wall, finishing the six pack, no longer able to cry. 

The sun had begun to peer over the kitchen window, illuminating the mess of last night. The ice of the champange had long become water, the candles flame died out, what was supposed to be a romantic reunion was now a painful reminder of what he had just let walk out of his life. Fresh tears threatened his eyes when the front door quietly opened and closed, bare feet were the first thing he saw, dirty and blistered, then the black stained silk, and finally, her. Her puffy eyes, makeup running all over her face, hair in a mess. 

“Y/N?” Tom whispered, praying it was really you and not a hallucination.

“Don’t worry, I just came to change and get my phone, I’ll be moved out by tonight.” She said coldly, fresh tears leaking down her face.

“Angle, no” Tom leapt up. blocking you from leaving him. “I fucked up, I really really fucked up.”

“No shit Holland,” 

“I deserve that, but you,” He took a look at you, his heart breaking, feeling as though he could never ever make the world right again, “you don’t deserve any of this” His hand brushed your arm, but stopped when you flinched at his touch. “I’m not going to hurt you,” His voice was low, pained that he had lost all your faith in him.

“I don’t really know that do I?” You began, shaking your head “Never mind,” 

“where did you sleep last night?” Looking down at the mess of a broken soul that he made, “You look rough love,”

“In my car, in some parking lot in downtown LA for a few hours before the police came and made me leave, then in the driveway,” Tears dripping down your face, but too tired to wipe them away.

“Baby, I fucked up, I really really fucked up,” lifting your chin to meet his eyes. “I love you, I haven’t been good to you, I’ve been the worst boyfriend and I guess I thought you were slipping away from me. I knew I wasn’t being enough and when I saw that photo, I just, I thought that maybe you were,” Shaking his head and pulling your little body into his, your sobs shaking his body, “I’m so sorry, so fucking sorry,” His grip on your body tightening, “ I fucked up and I hurt you and even if you walk out of this door right now and never want anything to do with me, I will spend my whole life trying to makeup for hurting you. I love you so so fucking much, I was trying to keep you away from the mess of my life during filming, I wanted you to be focused on school, but in reality I was being selfish and an asshole.”

“I’m not leaving,” You choked, gripping onto his leather jacket, needing him as close as possible. 

“May I take you upstairs and take care of you?” He asked, looking down at your frail body, your puffy eyes and stained face and neck. All he needed was a nod from you, putting his hands under your legs and carrying you bridal style to the bathroom, your hands pulling on his t-shirt. “I love you so fucking much,”

“I love you Tom, I would never ever-” your words halted by a brief kiss from Tom

“Don’t, you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to prove to me,” Setting you down by the tub, slipping the dress off of you, “I’ll replace this,” Running the hot water, adding a bath bomb to it, helping you step in.

“Please, hold me,” locking puffy eyes to puffy eyes with the boy you loved, watching him nod and strip, finding his spot behind you, your head on his chest, silent tears rolling down his face.

“I don’t ever want to lose you,” Kissing the top of your head, Toms hands pulling you into him more, rubbing your hips. “I love you Y/N, I really fucking do.”

Tag list @jkam3327 for giving me the idea!