#i feel like 2018 is a solid start

[mg549]

5 years in review (2018-2022)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for scamming my ex out of an extremely valuable virtual pet?

🐓🥤to recognize. This might be a very long post with a lot of added context for a very niche hobby and a very small actual conflict.

I religiously play a virtual pet site called Chicken Smoothie. It's a pretty old site as far as virtual pet games go, starting back in 2008, so there is a pretty solid established site economy. Just for some context, Every pet on the site has a rarity, ranging from "OMG So Common" to "OMG So Rare", being the most common and most rare respectively. But there are rarities within those rarities, where some OMGSRs can be worth more than others based on species and demand. For example, an OMGSR dog from 2008 will be worth more than an OMGSR rat from 2008 despite being the same highest rarity and year, because people prefer the dogs over rats. These pets can get extremely valuable. You can't sell them for real money (according to site rules, but of course there's a black market), but the site has its own virtual currency you can buy (with real money) and trade for called Chicken Dollars, and you can also trade a valuable pet for other valuable pets. It gets very complicated, with the community coming up with its own set of value terms each pet can have. I'm not getting into specifics there, that's not important.

Every year, on December 18th, CS has gift boxes you can adopt from. These gift boxes can contain any rare pet from any previous year, including special "Unreleased pets" that you can only get from these Dec 18th boxes, with a very slim chance. These unreleased pets are some of the most valuable and rarest in the game.

Recently, I had seen my ex posting on the forums. I didn't know he had an account, he had made it within this year, long after I got the fuck away from him, and I only knew it was him because he uses the same username everywhere. This person had groomed me, physically abused me when we were together (we no longer live anywhere near each other, thankfully) and has always been emotionally manipulative. He does not know I play, and he wouldn't recognize my account as me. I took a note of his account and left it be for a while, until December 18th hit and I took a peek at what he had got. And what he got was one of the new Unreleased pets, which currently at the time of writing this only looks like a box of cereal. (Most pets on the site have growth stages.) And even better, all his groups were open for trade, so I took a chance and sent an extremely terrible trade. I told him that this pet would only be a recent rare, and I offered him a "Very Rare" rarity (but not very valuable) pet from 2018, telling him I was overpaying. (In the CS community, this is known as Ninjaing, and it's Not A Good Thing To Do). I didn't expect him to accept it, I at least thought he'd be smart enough to ask in the trade advice thread that is literally pinned on the home page for December 18th, but he didn't. He took my word for it and accepted the trade, and now I own an unreleased pet that will eventually end up as an OMGSR.

What I did was not a bannable offence. He will not get his unreleased pet back. The CS mods are laughable at worst, incompetent at best, and don't do anything to stop scamming. They have an "eh, sucks to be you, sorry, be smarter next time" mentality when people get scammed (Which is insane because there are literal single digit aged children allowed on this site!!!)

After taking a bit to think about it, I do feel a bit guilty because I really would not do this in any other circumstances. I hate scamming. I did what I did out of anger and contempt, and I do feel a bit guilty because in essence, I scammed a new player that didn't have much else and didn't know any better.

I'm still keeping that unreleased cereal box no matter what though

What are these acronyms?

[projecttreehouse]

write EVERY DAY. here's how.

where inspiration fails, habit will always have your back. this is why it's important to build writing into your life as a habit, if you ever want to finish a project or improve your skills.

back in 2018, i (nat) was a college student without much going for me. i was feeling creatively stifled and insecure and like i didn't have TIME to write good. and i was right. i didn't have time to write GOOD. but i did have time to write SOMETHING. so that january, i built the habit. i wrote every single day in 2018, and almost every single day since.

because once you establish the habit, it becomes safer to skip a day (or three days) here and there. you will at least THINK about writing every day, even if you go straight from work to social plans to bed, or you're on vacation, or you're too sick to write. and that thinking is part of the habit!

here are the tips i followed to make this happen.

-pick a reasonable goal. starting off, mine was 300 words. now, i don't follow a goal, because the habit is so solid i don't need to. but 300 words is easy and quick. and if you give a pig a pancake, they'll probably have days where they write 500, 1000, even 3k words.

-log your word count. this is interesting to look back on every new year's eve, and it provides accountability. do this however you like; a spreadsheet, a physical notebook, a note in your phone, each day's section in your planner, whatever works for you. i have a channel in my personal discord server where i log mine.

-do NOT edit as you go. just write write write. if you feel like something you wrote needs work, yeah, it probably does-- everything needs to be edited, but that's a problem for later. highlight sentences you can't get right or make note of them to edit LATER. but do not edit as you go!

-write self-indulgent crap. fanfiction, shitty poetry, manifestos, rants, self insert fantasy romance, whatever floats your boat. having a shitty self-indulgent backup story to work on when i didn't feel like writing for the projects i cared about really helped get me in the habit. write for an audience of one!

-journal if you can't write. this may not necessarily build your skill as much as writing regular prose would, but it does help you maintain the habit and it can be useful in lots of other ways.

-think outside the box. write trivia questions. write a list of your favorite childhood toys. write a review of the book you're reading. i'm writing this post, that's going toward my word count for the day. again, this is still writing, and it helps maintain the habit.

-get comfortable writing on your phone. this took me a long time, but making it over this hurdle has saved my habit so many times.

you'll be surprised at the cool shit you end up writing on those days when you swore you weren't inspired enough. and you'll be delighted with how much progress you will make honing your craft!

happy writing! if you have any questions about how to implement any of these tips, our ask box is always open.

[nucifraga]

So, how old are the grandpas of the apocalypse really? Ft. - Jonah Magnus - Simon Fairchild - Peter Lukas - Maxwell Rayner

I MADE A PART 2 OF MY CHARACTER AGES RESEARCH (part 1 incl. og archives crew, 3 avatars + gerry here) after a few days of really wanting to detective the ages of this lot, i finally caved and decided to dig out the magnifying glass! same disclaimers apply! including an extra disclaimer to say that I've changed the formatting for this a lil because there was a Lot More Research done compared to part 1. Necessitated bc these mfs are OLD. (except for peter lukas. peter lukas is surprisingly young??)

(All ages are as of S1 / 2016 & the highlights are in bold if you don't feel like reading my essays)

Jonah Magnus

Age: ~216 Birth Year: ~1800

There are a few landmarks we can use, but because of how shady most are (old-ass letters) I also can’t pin down any solid dates because all the characters involved are fictional ._. Basically the only clues I got were: The Magnus Institute was established in 1818, but Jonah was old enough to travel alone to Germany and exchange letters with a friend (Albrecht von Closen) by 1816. So birthdate around ~1800? 1790?

I tried to find an ‘upper limit’ by using the life expectancy of the time since he also was able to live a ‘natural’ life until the (failed) Watcher’s Crown was carried out ‘at some point closely after February 13th, 1867’, BUT the average life expectancy of men was at most 41 years. So there was some Fairchild-esque shit going on there.

Simon Fairchild

Age: 439 - 488 Birth Year: 1528 - 1577

SPEAKING OF FAIRCHILD - sky grandpa! love him, he’s such a bastard. Anyway, in his own words, he’s had ‘an absurdly long life’. In MAG151 he says he was apprenticed to the Italian artist Tintoretto. Apprenticeships in the Renaissance started at approximately 11-14 years old & lasted for 1-8 years, and I’m assuming this was the same for the 1500s. Hopefully.

Given that Tintoretto became a renowned artist in ~1542, my estimate of the oldest Simon could be would be 14 in 1542. On the other end of the scale, Wikipedia says that his last notable work was Il Paradiso, finished from 1588–1594. I can’t find any mention of works post-1588 so this puts the absolute youngest Simon could be at 11 years old in 1588. From those two estimates, it was just a matter of mathing it out :)

Note 1: Simon mentions that his Becoming was while painting a church, likely a ceiling or high wall since he ‘should have broken his neck’, which should narrow it down – except it doesn’t, because Tintoretto painted a lot of churches x_x Note 2: I’ve just spent half an hour researching an Italian painter & art conventions in the 16th Century, which is of no relevance at all to my STEM degree in the 21st century. Simon’s age doesn’t even particularly matter because it was so long ago that the centuries quite literally blur together. This rabbit hole is incredibly fascinating, but this feels so ironically pointless, which is really, really fitting. Note 3: Simon definitely deserved to get ripped apart by the mob. His time has long, long passed lmao

Peter Lukas

Age: ~49-61 (at the very youngest; 36) Birth Year: late 1950s - late 1960s

Peter appears to be the youngest of these four – surprisingly so! – which makes it a lot simpler to pin down his age. He first meets JamesWright!Jonah between 1973 and 1996 & also he was old enough to have the option of watching TV when he was a child. TV became common in UK homes in the 1960s, so his birthdate at the earliest may be in the late 1950s/1960s.

However, he’s known Jonah as ‘Elias’ for most of their acquaintance by late 2018, meaning that they met at the earliest 1975 (21 years before 1996), but was probably more like 1980ish or later. I don’t think he would have met him too long after becoming an avatar some time after he became ‘old enough to run away’, which I’m assuming means he became aware of the Lonely when teenager-ish.

But spending some time on the Tundra before meeting other avatars makes sense for the Lonely, and so my vague estimate of his birth year would be late 1950s - late 1960s. I don’t think that his birthdate was anywhere later, though it is possible that it could have been as late as 1980 (if he began running away when very young & was introduced to ‘James Wright’ very early into avatar-hood), if incredibly unlikely.

Note: My ‘very youngest’ estimate for Peter Lukas is… younger than my estimate for Mike Crew’s age. I find this inordinately funny.

Maxwell Rayner

Age: 357 Birth Date: 8 November 1658

I have excellent news for Rayner! Good ol’ Jonny has made his original body Edmond Halley. A very famous person with a wikipedia page of his own that conveniently states his date of birth :)

Thanks, Jonny.

Rayner died in February 2017 at the age of 358 years 3 months 2 days, though he did spend a decent amount of time host-less. Unlike Gerard Keay, I’m unsure of how ‘alive’ he was during this time, so I’m just going to count it as ‘alive’-time because it means I get precise numbers for the first time since I started researching character ages!

[sciderman]

I saw in the Spider-Man/Deadpool (2018) run that Wade apparently looks the way he does because he hates himself & feels he should look repulsive but when he became a full hero with Peter & cold turkey on killing he looked normal for a while. (Before killing again for Peter's sake & turning disfigured again). 2 questions.

What's your thoughts on that concept & does the same go for your Wade? Would he heal physically if he started to love himself?

"if he started to love himself" oh buddy, would that it were that simple.

i kind of hated that arc sooo much. so much, that i even made a response comic to it when the issue came out. i was so mad.

i really genuinely thought that what they might've went for was that it actually wasn't true, and wade was healed for some other reason actually, and peter was just being the same ableist sack of shit that joe kelly consistently writes him as (i HATE you joe kelly.)

whenever kelly writes spider-man and deadpool, spider-man is consistently the most insensitive, ableist jackass i've ever seen. so that's what i thought was happening. but no. apparently it is the case that the problem simply is that wade hates himself so much and he could've healed all along if he was just a good boy.

in 9319, wade has good days and bad days. sometimes he does love himself. and when he loves himself, yeah, his scars don't look as painful and he takes good care of himself. he actually has a solid self-care routine that he loves to stick to when he's in his good mental health days. so he wears the comfy jim jams and he showers and uses the creams and looks so good. those are his good days.

really, wade does love himself. he hates himself too. i feel like the "well maybe you should learn to love yourself" is such a meaningless line of thought. like you can just flip a switch and turn off all your self-doubt? no. that doubt is there for a reason, and it'll always be there. you won't extinguish that forever. it's part of being human, and if you didn't have it, you wouldn't be human.

humans have good days and bad days. nothing is linear.

and wade has bad days. bad days where he's struggling with self-worth, struggling with unpleasant memories, struggling with the control he has over his impulses and destructive habits. and yeah, it reflects on his physical state because he finds it more difficult to maintain those good habits he's been nurturing. he sleeps in his mask, he doesn't wash, the scars redden.

so in a similar way to 616 yeah, 9319 wade's physical state is tied to his emotional state - but it's not linear, and it's not some fairytale where he can beauty-and-the-beast himself back into a state of hollywood gorgeousness. he has good days and bad days. and i hope that he can have more good days, when the future comes.

[lurkingshan]

Japanese QL Corner

ICYMI: There are so many Japanese qls airing weekly, so I’m going to start posting this little round up at the end of each week. All of these are on Gaga and I highly recommend watching!

Love is Better the Second Time Around

This is officially my favorite bl currently airing. I loved this second episode a lot. I appreciate that while the first episode gave us a really solid grounding in who Iwanaga is, the second let us get to know Miyata in all his contradictory glory. That entire sequence from his failed proposal to him demanding Iwanaga take responsibility was glorious. He is still nursing a wound from their high school days and hearing Iwanaga sincerely apologize for his immaturity in making the bet back then seems to have given him some of his power back. I love that he's making Iwanaga work for it, and judging by that smile at the end of the episode, Iwanaga loves it, too.

My Strawberry Film

Yet another week focused on the het love rhombus, this time with a double date. I was spiritually with Ryo sitting on a rock by himself, headphones on and gazing at the sea in mild despair. The plot continues to move at a glacial pace, and I am not nearly as interested in Minami or her secrets as the show wants me to be. She is just not a compelling character. I did appreciate the show making it clear that Hikaru's crush on her is based more on a fantasy of who she is than the reality. And I felt for Chika a lot in this episode and was glad she aired things out with Ryo; she needed his rejection to move on. I wonder if, as @bengiyo suggested, this show will play better as a binge, because it's kind of torturous as a weekly viewing experience.

Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yara ka

A nice ending for a show that didn't quite come together for me. I liked both of these characters a lot, but the writing for their romance was kind of all over the place and we spent a lot of time on frustrating plot diversions instead of building a stronger relationship foundation that would leave us feeling confident about their future (apparently a lot of that extra plot stuff was added to stretch the simple manga story to 10 episodes, and it sure felt like it). I didn't at all buy Mizuki suddenly reappearing and trying to help them get back together. The way the show used his character was perhaps the most frustrating part of all; he felt more like a plot device than a person. But I'm glad Soga and Sakae decided to try again at the end, even if I wish we would have spent the back half of the show seeing them actually work through these complications instead of just talking about them constantly only to end right where they started. Not one that I will be rewatching or that will stick with me, I think.

Bonus: Call Boy (2018)

I have been meaning to watch this film for ages, and finally got around to it this week. Before I am accused of false advertising, let me clarify that this is not a bl or a romance at all; rather it is a story about a disaffected youth who gets offered a job as a sex worker in a high end club and finds purpose and satisfaction in bringing others pleasure. Our lead Ryo is (mostly) het, but he does have one extremely memorable sexual encounter with a male colleague (played by my beloved Izuka Kenta!), and this is in general a film exploring sexual kink and stigma, so it earned its spot on ql corner.

This movie is surprisingly great, and its themes are very sex and sex work positive in a way some other recent shows have claimed (and failed) to be. The narrative is all about Ryo coming to understand the purpose of sex work, finding his own pleasure in fulfilling his client's needs, and working through his childhood trauma in the process. It's very well done and I highly recommend it for anyone who can handle exceedingly NC-17 content. It's on Viki for rent (and also in the grey).

[smolwritingchick]

The Bangtan Gal Chapter 89- Blood, Sweat & Tears

Chapter Summary: Jennie and Jimin fight over his extreme diet. BTS film BST with Jennie and Taehyung filming a sexy scene together. Jennie spends time with GOT7.

Words: 7,000+

Author's Note: A reader had messaged me years ago and sent me fanart of Jennie for Blood, Sweat & Tears back in 2018! This is by mimikoe_ on Instagram! If you see this, thank you again for your art! I appreciate you! This was so sweet of you. I hope they keep drawing! They are so talented!

This chapter gave me a bit of anxiety. I'm so sorry for the angst. At the time of editing this, I felt like I should have just deleted this argument between Jimin and Jennie but I decided to keep it and have my character mess up. Show more character development of her learning from her mistakes. Angst for this but it will end fluffy. This topic is such a serious matter so I felt a bit wary now that I'm older and looking back at what I wrote years ago. Again, I'm sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable with this. :( This one for the angst is regarding Jimin's diet for the BST era. After that, I did not write any more about the diet. This will be it.

------

The following day, at Big Hit’s building, the members got ready for their dance practice in the studio. Jennie went to the bathroom and once she was done she found Jimin finishing up getting a drink from the water fountain. 

Once he turned around, he grinned. “Ready to go back?”

“Uh huh!” she smiled back.

She stared at his face longer than usual and couldn’t help but feel something off about him. His face looked even smaller which began to worry her.

“Yo, your face,” she placed a palm against his cheek to examine how small it had gotten.

His cheeks were gone and his jawline had gotten sharper. Something was not right.

“Did you eat at all today?” she exclaimed with concern. “Or even yesterday?”

Jimin’s stomach dropped at her questioning. He then pulled away from her and started to walk away. He could not face her. He could not bring himself to look at the hurt in her eyes. The concern in her eyes. He wished she would stop chasing after him like this to get a solid answer. All he wanted to do was be left alone to diet in peace. Jin already gave him an earful, asking him why is he going to this extent to lose weight but Jimin felt like this was the best thing to do. To look perfect for their next comeback.

“Jimin, you’re stressing me out!” her words took him away from his thoughts as she walked after him around Big Hit’s building. “What is the issue?”

“Can you please stop talking about this? I said I’m all right,” he snapped.

She chose to ignore the irritation in his voice and persisted in questioning him. Grabbing his hand to stop him, he turned around, displeased.

“Your face is so much smaller than usual! Are you not eating?!” she exclaimed.

Pulling her to him as she bumped into his chest, Jimin looked down at her. He was bothered by her interrogation.

“Can you stop being so loud?” he hissed in a hushed voice, glaring at her.

“Stop being so loud? This is the perfect volume to get what I’m saying through your head! Let’s be late to practice and go out to eat real quick. Okay? I’ll take the blame. I don’t mind being lectured for being late for both of us. It’s okay. Just come with me to eat, please! Noodles. Let’s get noodles! And pork, too! Lots of it! Or even chicken! My treat! I’ll pay!” she insisted, despairingly trying to get him to eat with her.

Jimin was conflicted. She was willing to get in trouble just so he could eat instead of dancing with an empty stomach. She did not mind going to practice late as long as he would get a meal in him. 

He wanted to. He wanted to say yes. But he couldn’t. He felt like he needed to diet.

“I’m not hungry,” he responded with a frown and released her.

“Yes, you are! I’ve seen the way you’d clutch your stomach and heard your stomach growl a lot this morning! What you’re doing is making yourself sick! You cannot do this to your body! Your body is going to break down! You gotta listen to it! You gotta feed it! Not let it go so long without food! We’re performers. We need all the energy we can get. And then our comeback is so soon, come on, Jimin!”

Running his hands through his silver hair, he shouted sternly with a growl, “Enough, Jennie! Enough! Just shut up already! Stop bothering me about it and leave me the hell alone!”

The harsh sound of his voice made her flinch as her stomach dropped from his anger. It began to scare her. He never yelled at her like this. He never actually yelled at her at all. And soon she felt tears of frustration and anger beginning to form in her eyes. The 95 Liner clenched his jaw as his anger amplified. He felt angrier at himself for shouting as it started to get the attention of staff members. And soon after Namjoon was walking over to them, worried after hearing them from the practice room.

‘Ennie...I’m so sorry...’ he thought sadly.

Jimin didn’t mean to shout. He didn’t mean to get this riled up, especially towards his precious Ennie of all people. But he wanted her to back off and let him be. Why couldn’t she just let him do this in peace?

As his words registered in her brain, she started to feel vexation overcome her, “Don’t you ever tell me to shut up! I’m trying to help you!”

“Hey!” Namjoon butted in, getting in between them.

“I didn’t ask for it! Learn to stay out of everyone’s business!” Jimin shouted.

“What you’re doing is not necessary and it’s absurd!” she shouted back.

“You wouldn’t understand-“

“Understand what!?” her voice went higher. “Why are you doing this? Huh!? Is it because of what others think?! You don’t need to lose any weight whatsoever, so end this crap, right now!”

Jimin felt his body shake as he listened to her voice her opinion on the matter. 

Grabbing him by his shoulders, she shouted as tears began to slowly go down her cheeks, “You are more than just abs! You are fine just the way you are, why can’t you see that!? People aren’t your real fans if they only see you for your body, Chim Chim! Please don’t do this to yourself, I don’t want to see you like this. It’s breaking my heart, Jimin, just stop it!”

Shrugging her off of him, Jimin found himself walking away before he ended up yelling more harshly. It was like talking to a wall. She just would not stop talking about it.

“Sometimes I wish you would just shut up and stop getting involved! Just let things happen, no one needs to hear your piece or what you think someone should do. If I want to do this, then let me do this. You are so annoying!” he angrily replied.

“Stop! We’re not doing this! Come on. Let’s get into the practice room. We do not need to be fighting, right now. This is not the time or place,” Namjoon warned them.

Jimin angrily stormed into the practice room and slammed the door shut. Jen let out a frustrated sigh. This was not supposed to be like this. Why did it have to be this way?

“Jennie...” Namjoon frowned and walked over to her to try to calm her down.

More tears flowed down her face as she paced around. Blowing air out of her mouth, she looked up, trying to calm herself down. She wiped her tears and took a moment to regroup before turning her attention to her leader.

“So, you’re just going to let him continue doing this? Let him go? Do you not see what’s going on? How serious this is!? How wrong this is!?”

“I do,” he responded calmly. “We tried to invite him to eat but he just wouldn’t eat with us and wanted to continue to diet...”

"I just want this to end," she shook her head and walked past him to go back to the dance studio.

As soon as Jimin stormed into the practice room, the rest of the members immediately wanted to know what happened. Everybody heard their shouting match and from the look of Jimin’s scowl, things were not getting resolved, anytime soon.

No matter how many times the boys asked him what was wrong and what happened between him and Jennie, Jimin remained silent and shook his head. After a while, Jennie strolled in with Namjoon. Her scowl matched Jimin’s and she too remained silent when she was asked about what happened.

“Is everything all right?” Mr. Son asked, noticing a dramatic shift in the atmosphere of the room.

Neither Jen nor Jimin answered, feeling quite defeated and bummed from their huge blowout. Namjoon had to answer for them by saying that things would be fine. Dance practice was awkward and it seemed like the group couldn’t get synchronized because Jimin and Jennie were thinking about their fight. Namjoon also couldn’t quite stay focused as he thought about their mentalities. And the curiosity of the rest of the group led to everything noticeably off about their movements.

Seeing problems in their dancing, Mr. Son told them to stop and questioned everybody. “What is going on? We film the music video in a week and the choreography is looking sloppy. Whatever happened between you two,” he glanced at Jimin and Jennie, “You must put that behind you and stay focused on this comeback,”

Easier said than done.

After practice, Jennie chose not to go straight back to the dorm and decided to drown herself in work. She began writing things she was feeling. Writing out her feelings made her feel somewhat better, but just being away from Jimin for as long as she could also helped. Everything about that argument bothered her. She wanted to stop thinking about it but it was nothing that she could do to get it out of her head.

Same with Jimin as he continued to tell the members to leave the situation alone and let him cope in peace at the dorm.

The following day, Jimin and Jennie completely ignored each other. No acknowledgment whatsoever. Not even a good morning. Jungkook and Taehyung noticed the tension and were saddened that half of the Maknae Line weren’t on good terms. The two tried to get them to at least speak to each other but to no avail. This lasted for a few days.

Having enough of the tension, Namjoon went to her studio to speak with Jen privately.

“I want to talk to you about what happened between you and Jimin,” he said, taking a seat on her couch.

Jennie rolled her eyes at his name. She didn’t want to think about him. The sight of him and the sound of his voice and name made her cringe as she thought back to their intense confrontation. She didn’t want to think about it and wished Namjoon would drop it. The situation made her uncomfortable and she wanted to avoid it.

Running a hand through his hair, Namjoon let out a sigh. “I get what you tried to do but I don’t think the way you went about it was the best action,” he softly criticized.

Before she could protest, he shook his head and she closed her mouth.

“Jennie, you were in the wrong this time. You can’t just blow up like that when someone is dealing with issues as serious as this. That wasn’t right and you should consider Jimin’s feelings and his mentality. I think it hurt him more the way you raised your voice at him. He’s struggling and we’re all trying to help but we cannot force him to eat. I think if you two spoke privately instead of where all the staff was, things would have gone better. It’s not that easy to try to get him to eat just because you want to see him eat. I understand your intentions but again, you can’t make him eat, Jennie. You can’t force him to do what you think he should do. He has to make that choice,”

Jennie looked down at her lap and frowned as she thought about his words. Her mind went back to her dispute with Jimin and she cringed at how she acted.

Wow...

She did not see that point of view and now she felt like shit. She felt like a shitty friend and she felt selfish.

Yes, he was right. She should have gone a different route instead of blowing up like that. How she acted was judgmental and she seemed to have been more critical of Jimin instead of showing compassion. It just hurt to see him like that and she wanted to try to do something. But it seemed like she most likely made the situation worse along with her poor choice of words.

Jimin was right. She should just stop butting into people’s business all the time. It seems like everything she does just gets worse. She wanted to help but what she had done was not the best route to go. She needed to apologize to him.

“You two need some space,” Namjoon advised. “But once you two cooled down a bit, it’s best you apologize. I don’t want to see you two fight,”

After a deep conversation with Namjoon, Jennie spent the rest of the day catching up with GOT7, who they were thrilled to see. Spending time with them, made her briefly forget about the struggles with Jimin and boosted her mood with their goofiness and positivity.

The group decided to go paintballing, which she thought was one of the best ways to let off some steam. They chose to split into teams of two.

“I choose Jennie!” Jackson announced.

“Too late, I called dibs already,” JB replied.

“Since when!?”

“Since this morning,”

“She likes me the best, so that makes me her partner,” Bam Bam announced.

Jen laughed at their banter as the group began bickering.

“Actually, she’s my partner. I asked her the day before,” Mark grinned victoriously.

“Yep. He did. Mark is my partner,” she admitted with a sheepish grin.

“What!? That is not fair!” Jackson complained.

“If I had known I would have asked her as soon as she yes to paintballing!” Jinyoung exclaimed.

The teams consisted of Youngjae & JB, Jackson & Jinyoung, and BamBam & Yugyeom.

As they prepared to get ready, Yugyeom and Jennie chatted.

“Ah, I wish Jungkook joined us. He would’ve loved this,” he said, thinking about his best friend.

“I know~. Today, he’s busy working on some choreography. I believe it’s for Begin. But don’t worry we’ll have plenty of more opportunities to hang out. Comeback season is always so busy. I’m happy I was able to get away from work for a little while to see you guys.”

“Yeah, me too. I can’t wait. I miss him. You two are doing well, right?”

“Yeah huh. Still going strong,”

“Good. He talks about you so much when he’s with me and the guys. Don’t tell him, I said that,” he teased, making her face heat up.

She giggled. “Even when he’s not here, he always makes me feel special,”

“He better be treating you, well. If not, I’ll fight him,” Bam Bam added in a teasing manner, making them laugh.

“Haha, thanks. Hey guys, how’s your upcoming comeback coming along?” she asked. “I’m anticipating Hard Carry,”

“Oh, you are going to love it! I hope we get some wins for it,” JB responded.

“Ooh, my excitement for it is building~,”

“How are the preparations for your comeback?” Youngjae asked her. “I still cannot believe you dyed your hair red. It’s a great color for you. You look beautiful,”

“Aw, you think so?” Jen beamed and touched her red hair. “Thank you. I was so nervous about getting it dyed. But I’m happy with the results,”

“Oh, heck yeah! I was like is that Jennie!? Wow~! So pretty!” Bam Bam added.

“Red suits you well, Jen,” Yugyeom stated.

“You guys are so sweet. As for our comeback, it’s going well. But uh, Jimin and I had a little falling out. So, I’m a little off my game and happy I’m here to get rid of some of that tension,”

“A falling out?” Jinyoung asked, surprised.

“What?! You and Jimin? I thought I would never see this. You two are always so close,” Jackson said in disbelief.

His words made Jen feel even shitter as she felt even more bad about what she had done.

“What happened?” Mark asked.

She then explained the whole situation to them. Every detail and how she had a talk with Namjoon and that she realized how wrong she was.

“Although it’s none of my business with what he does with his body, I couldn’t help but want to talk him out of whatever he’s doing because his face looked so skinny. Skinnier than usual. But all I did was make it worse. I’m hoping maybe after today I could get him alone and apologize,” she said with a sigh.

“Ah, I see. I still think you are a good person. We all make mistakes and sometimes go a little too far with our words and how we say them. Jimin cares a lot about you. I’m sure this falling out will not be the end of your friendship. It’ll take some time but you and Jimin will rekindle soon enough,” JB encouraged her.

The gang played five rounds of paintballing. The games were filled with chaos and laughter as Jennie and Mark kept getting hit since the other teams wanted them out quickly. Although Jen and Mark didn’t win, it was just nice to get away from the stress of comeback preparations and unwind with everyone.

After paintballing, Bam Bam insisted on taking photos as he stood close by Jennie and lifted his phone in the air for a group selfie with him, Mark, and YoungJae.

‘She’s here with us!! I’m happy to see you, Jennie! #GOT8 #JenBam’ he posted to a widely positive reception that she was still in touch with GOT7.

---------

Later in the evening, Jen checked her Instagram to see more new photos that GOT7 posted with her.

To the selfie of her and Bam Bam alone, Jackson commented, 'I see u forgot to include me!’

Laughing, she typed out, 'Bro, you knew we were taking photos lolll :P’

After some more commenting, she went to find Jimin in Big Hit’s building. Hearing music from the practice room, she made her way over to it and watched him dance to Lie. It appeared that he had to be practicing for hours. Exhaustion was clear on his face but he showed no sign of stopping.

When Jimin saw the door open, he did not look too pleased to see who had walked in.

“What do you want?” he asked in a flat tone.

“I’m probably the last person you want to see, right now. But I just wanted to apologize for yelling at you. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have tried to pressure you to eat. That was wrong of me. I’m sorry,” she said with a frown.

Jimin looked down and remained silent, taking her words in.

“I hurt you a lot,” she went on softly, voice sounding brittle. “Perhaps it was the way I yelled at you. Or how I sounded judgmental instead of showing you compassion and support. I shouldn’t have yelled or tried to pressure you to do anything. And you probably don’t want to speak to me or whatever so okay. I’ll give you space and stay out of your way. I just wanted to apologize. And whenever you are ready to talk, I’ll be here,”

She took his silence as where he stood in the situation. As expected, she knew he wasn’t going to easily forgive her. He needed time and space.

“O-okay, I’ll be going, now. See you,” she made her way to the door.

Part of her hoped that he’d stop her and say that he forgave her but it didn’t work that way in this serious situation. He let her go. And it’ll take him some time to forgive her.

---------

As the week went by, it was finally the day BTS filmed Blood, Sweat & Tears. Each member of BTS was dressed and ready for filming as they were excited about the upcoming comeback.

“Eeeek! Today is the day~! I am so stoked! We are here for the first day of shooting Blood, Sweat & Tears! Look at me! I look so bomb!” she turned around, showing off her outfit.

“Ah, watch the shirt. It’s not buttoned all the way,” Jin popped in the shot and fixed her shirt for her. “There, much better. Jin to the rescue!”

She laughed. “Thank you,”

“Wings, the album for us,” Rapmon declared when the camera was filming him.

“It’s very elegant and luxurious,” J-Hope addressed as he showed off the background. “Look at the set,”

For the first day, the group did their first shots of dancing. Even just performing it once, made the members hot and out of breath. The staff provided fans and blowdryers blowing cool air to cool them down, which helped tremendously.

“This concept is more sexy than usual. So, I am going to try to be sexy for this music video. Keyword, try,” Jen added.

'That won’t be hard, Jennie!’

After the first takes of dancing, the camera showed shots of the members watching the film, to monitor anything they needed to work on.

Hobi and Jennie glanced at each other after they watched how she messed up.

"You saw too, right?" Hobi asked as she nodded.

“Yeah. I did that, too early,” she replied as she watched herself jump a few seconds before the rest of the group.

Once they filmed again, a sudden sound of shattered glass was heard and the director stopped the filming.

“The glass is broken!” was announced and it was none other than Rap Monster who was the reason behind it.

'God of destruction, Rap Monster’

“Jeez...” Jen exclaimed, looking at the broken glass.

“Rap Monster!” J-Hope told the camera.

When the camera was pointed at Rapmon who laughed about the ordeal, he exclaimed, “Bam!” as he thought about how he broke the glass. “I don’t know why always...I don’t know why I break things,”

'We want to know the reason, too’

After the shooting resumed, the next scene was set in a room where the members sat on the couch. For this scene, Jennie was not in the same room as them. Instead, for the beginning of the music video, she had an individual shot.

“Action!”

She ran lightly down the hallway until she found a door. On the other side of the door was another camera waiting. She pulled the doors open and looked surprised to see the seven boys sitting.

“Cut! Good job!”

“Ayeeee. First try!” she bounced around in excitement.

Although Jimin still wasn’t speaking to her, he couldn’t help but smile softly at her excitement. She was doing a good job of filming.

“Jennie makes the best facial expressions when she is filming. Good acting,” Jin grinned as he got his makeup retouched.

After her shot was done, she stood in the background as the boys sat on the couch and floor. Suga stood behind Jimin and covered his eyes.

“We are moving to the table. We have to change our hairstyle. Let’s go!” Jimin said.

The group changed into white clothes. Jennie wore white pants and a white blazer with her red hair styled in a high ponytail. The scene was set up like a dinner. Decorations of white, including the tablecloths and chairs.

“Are you ready to enjoy the dinner?” J-Hope asked Suga.

‘The eight noble members’

“Rap Monster, I can see your belly button. This concept matches you so well,” Suga said, making him chuckle.

Jennie sat across from Jin on the other side of the table. Jungkook, Rap Monster, and V sat on one side while J-Hope, Suga, and Jimin sat on the other side. J-Hope and Jungkook sat the closest to Jennie while V and Jimin sat the closest to Jin. Jin sat up from the table and lifted his cup in the air, while the rest of the boys followed his movements with blank stares. All they had to do was raise up their drinks but for the first shot, V couldn’t contain himself and laughed, which made the rest of the group laugh, too.

‘One more try due to V’s laughter’

On the second time, the members cheered successfully. With Jennie, instead of a blank expression, she looked hesitant as she raised her glass and then stared at it. Locking eyes with Jin, she shook her head and he began to stop himself from drinking the drink.

Little did they know V watched everything. He looked intrigued by her as he raised an eyebrow and smirked.

Suddenly, she slowly turned her glass to the side and watched it spill on the table, refusing to drink it. With the camera focusing on V, while the rest were occupied with their drinks, he watched Jennie with a sly smirk on his face. Sensing that something wasn’t right, she narrowed her eyes at him.

‘Finished the shooting without laughing this time’

With the rest leaving, only Jin, V, and Jennie were left. The director wanted Taennie to improvise the scene of having a staredown at the table. As the two were filmed with tension advancing between them, Jin was stuck in the middle, looking on while he was also back in his seat. 

Jennie loved filming with Taehyung. It was just something about how at ease she felt when she was with him. He always found ways to enhance their scenes and he pushed her to be a better actress for Bangtan’s music videos. 

As they stared at one another, she did not look too pleased to see how confident V looked regarding Jin. After they got their shots, V was good to leave while Jen and Jin were left.

"V and Jen have good chemistry. I felt like I was interrupting something when I was watching them. I wanted to say, should I leave?” Jin laughed.

When the song came on, Jennie lip-synced her verse as she sat in a chair, leaning back. She had her feet on the table and then did more shots looking sexy for the camera. 

Being very close to EXO's Sehun since meeting the group, the two recently chatted about their comebacks. Sehun informed her he filmed shots of his feet on the table for Monster, so she wanted to do some sort of cool parallel with him and reenact his movements, hoping it would make it in the music video.

Once they got what they needed, Jennie and Jin were the last to leave as they bowed and thanked the staff.

“Day one complete! Time to go to sleep~!” she beamed.

‘Day 2’

Day two consisted of more individual shots for the group. Jen looked amazed at the set as the first set consisted of Suga and Jimin in the top room while Jungkook and Rapmon were in the bottom room. V even had to jump off a balcony as each member had different concepts. Jimin and Suga were the first ones to leave early as she waited for when it was her time to shoot.

After getting her hair and makeup done, she went to watch Jungkook film his shots on a swing that was hanging from the ceiling.

“I wish I was on the swing. That looks so fun,” she commented.

Jungkook had to do a tough wire scene, getting lifted in the air. His hair was covered in feathers which made her giggle. Once he was safely set down, he sat up, scrunching his face because of the feathers covering his face.

“Have a nice time up there?” she teased and removed the feathers from his head.

“It was alright. My back hurts but the scene was alright. I hated the feathers, though. Jennie, can you give me a massage when you get home from filming?”

When she responded, “Yeah, absolutely,” his eyes lit up.

Jennie's scene consisted of her in a garden and wearing a flower crown and tiara for the occasion.

“I’m in a garden~! Look at all these flowers,” she spun around. “Simple take. Explore around the garden, and look like the baddest chick in the game. I can do that,”

The camera followed her exploring the garden and looking beautiful in the environment. Jin was called in to join her and she filmed a few takes of being a good influence on him by taking walks together. She also placed a hand on his cheek and looked at him in concern, making sure he was all right with V lurking around them. After the rest of the members went home, Jennie and V were left with their scene together.

“For this, I’m the good girl. Or so I think. Let’s say I’m more of an angel while V is more like the bad guy. A fallen angel or a devil. I’m trying to be like the good side of Jin while he’s the bad side of Jin. Soooo, this is not going to end well. But I will prevail! I will win this battle and get Jin to the good side. So, in your face V! You are not winning today!” she punched the camera lightly.

When the camera transitioned to V, he chuckled, getting into character. “Ennie, Ennie, Ennie...she’s going to lose this battle. I’ll give her an A for effort but the dark side will win,”

“Lies!” Jen’s voice was heard across the room, making him laugh along with her.

“Action!” the director announced.

Jennie proceeded to walk down the hallway with V lurking from a distance. Feeling someone following her, she turned around but didn’t see anyone. But once she turned back around, V was in front of her, catching her by surprise. After they filmed the scene a few times, the director wanted their next scene to be sexy. The whole comeback had sensual vibes to it, especially with the choreography.

Lately, as Big Hit had been planning the comeback, they predicted that fans were going to give Taennie a lot of attention due to the fact of their scenes together for the music video. So, the company was highly considering making the pair act on that for promotions. Taehyung and Jennie didn’t mind it. They thought it was funny to troll fans into thinking they were dating or something for the comeback. Although there was a slight fear in the back of her mind of a hate train for her, in the end, she went with it and felt comfortable with her best friend.

Taehyung had been nothing but sweet to her about the idea. He even asked her about boundaries and what she was comfortable with so they could make this as believable as possible without making each other feel awkward. They thought that subtly was the way to go, with lingering gazes during music shows, and so on. They make a bold statement for the music video but then keep fans speculating with subtle displays of affection when on camera. 

When they told Jungkook about it, he kept wishing it was him in the situation but for the music video and comeback in general, the director felt best for it to be Taehyung instead due to the role he was playing. He understood it and knew it was just acting between them.

Getting in position for their next scene, Jennie gave him a warning, “I ate smarties before this so my breath smells like smarties. I hope you like the smell of smarties when you lean in close,”

Taehyung giggled. “It’s okay!”

He began to get himself into character, looking at the ground while Jennie continued to look up at him, ready to begin acting.

“And...ACTION!” the director announced.

As soon as he heard the director say action, it was like a switch went off of V as he looked up and appeared lustful towards her and a little crazed.

With her back connecting to the wall with a harsh thud, Jen did not flinch when V lunged and slammed his hands on the wall, trapping her while staring sharply into her eyes. The sound of his hands slamming on the wall made a loud sound as they maintained eye contact. The song played in the background while they proceeded to act out their scene.

‘Taehyung and Jennie filming part of their sexy scene together. Strong eye contact!’

She stared at him, unamused, making sure not to give in to anything he was trying to offer. She then turned her head away, facing the camera when he inched closer with a wicked grin on his face. She felt his warm breath against her cheek before he began to move down to her neck as she appeared to have an ongoing battle with giving him her attention. Lust was clear in his eyes as he tried his best to tempt her.

While still staring at the camera with a sexy gaze, she began to lip sync.

How much longer before you consume me?

No matter how much I resist, I can’t fight what you’re doing

My mind is telling me to break free but my body screaming out

No, I can’t want you, get out of my head

As you kiss every inch of me you see that I want it too

Breath on my neck, I bit off more than I can chew

V placed his forearm over her head and she looked up at him. She shook her head and was about to look away again but this time he grabbed her chin with his other hand and made her look at him.

Their faces were extremely close as their lips were centimeters away from each other. As they both glanced at each other's lips, it was like he was luring her to kiss him, wondering when she’d crack as he slowly felt her losing resistance. 

Reflecting on my choices, I’m wonderin’ if there’s any way out of this.

I’m losing this battle, I just can’t resist this

Only a matter of time before you screw me up and I’ll be stuck reminiscing

With that sinister smile on his lips, he stuck his tongue out and bit his bottom lip lightly. Pulling herself together and realizing how close she was to giving in, she shoved him back. Quickly, she walked away while he watched her go, satisfied.

“Great!” the director announced. 

As soon as they heard him say that, Jennie and Taehyung burst out in laughter, unable to hold it in anymore. After she walked back to him, they bantered to each other at how funny this was for them to do this. This was War of Hormone but on a whole different level of mature sexiness.

Although they weren’t sure how much of this footage would be in the MV, the staff wanted them to improvise. For another take, Jennie stood on his shoes to make herself higher and placed a hand on the back of his shoulder while looking over his shoulder at the camera in front of her. With her free hand, she ran a hand through his blond hair. Then for another shot, she stood in front of him with him behind, holding her close while she lip synced. 

When they went to see the footage with the director, they analyzed their movements and made sure everything was top notch. Taehyung laughed nervously when watching himself be so forceful with her.

“Ennie, I am so sorry,” he grinned nervously. “Did I hurt you?”

“No, no, I’m fine.” she smiled in reassurance and turned back to the video. 

Her face felt flushed when watching herself act sensuous. It was still so weird to see herself like that. But she was proud of her efforts.

"This is...intense," she looked on. "Is this going to be appropriate for the music video rating? Oh gosh. And maybe it was a good idea to wait until the members left to film. Because oh my gosh, their reaction to this? We’re never going to hear the end of it. Maybe this can be a Bangtan Bomb if all of this doesn’t make it in the music video,”

“Ennie looks radiant in this. Wow, so beautiful,” Taehyung praised.

“Oh stop~. Look at you! ARMY is going to blush when they see you in this music video. A born visual he is,”

“Thanks, Ennie. We make a great team,” he pulled her in for a kiss on her temple.

“This was perfect!” the director praised after watching all of their footage. Their chemistry was impeccable, to say the least. “We don’t need to take another shot of this scene. We’re finished,”

“YAY~! We did it!” Taehyung cheered and joined Jennie in jumping around while holding hands in excitement.

‘Day 3’

The final day of filming started with Jin who was supposed to kiss the statue and Jen was in the background.

“Action!”

The camera followed Jennie quickly as she was dashing down the hallway. But she was suddenly grabbed from behind by V as she yelled, “Don’t! Snap out of it!“

That seemed to have made Jin pause as he looked back to see the two. But in the end, she helplessly watched Jin fall into temptation. 

After the scene, all the members are together, acting like good friends. The scene was supposed to show them being free and mischievous. Jen strolled a little behind the boys, smiling at them while looking around. Her attention caught Jin staring at the painting called The Fall Of The Rebel Angels. There were two entrances on each side of him as he stood in the middle. A black entrance and a white entrance. One good and one bad. To resist or sin.

Jennie went up to him, standing in front of the white entrance. Gently grabbing onto one of his hands, he turned and looked down at her while she smiled, gesturing for him to follow her to the white entrance. But then V came over and stood on Jin’s other side, in front of the black entrance, which made Jin turn his attention to him. V smirked at the both of them while Jennie slowly dropped her smile, fearing for the worst.

After the members ran through the door and Jin was left behind, Suga was supposed to cover Jin’s eyes and after a few takes it looked funny due to his height, so Jin suggested switching partners. V replaced him to cover Jin’s eyes instead and it worked perfectly. Then for their final filming session, they were filmed performing the choreography.

When the director said cut, Jen turned around to see Jimin looking exhausted as he leaned forward, putting his hands on his knees. Jin went over to him and placed a hand on his back, looking concerned.

'Gosh, I hope he’s all right,’ she thought as she chose to keep her word by leaving him alone.

After the group performed the dance one last time, the director announced they were done and BTS celebrated with cheers and ran around, proud of their hard work.

------------

A few days later, Bangtan was filmed doing a dance practice for BST so it could be posted as a Bangtan Bomb. Jen found herself getting more and more frustrated and concerned for Jimin’s well being but chose to stay out of it to avoid another argument. She wanted to respect his space and wishes but it was eating her inside to see him look light headed every time he moved.

She wasn’t sure if it was people on social media who made fun of his weight or something but whatever it was, it made her upset to see her friend like this. 

She was distracted. Her conversation with Namjoon went through her head and she found herself glancing over at Jimin from time to time. He wasn’t himself. She noticed how he would stumble sometimes and hold his head. She feared something bad was about to happen.

With Jimin, he was feeling dizzy due to the lack of energy and food. His lightheadedness was getting stronger as the song progressed. After jumping around during the dance, Jimin felt himself falling back, and losing consciousness.

By instinct, Jennie ran up behind him to catch him. She fell hard on her butt, wincing at the impact. But all that mattered was that Jimin was OK in her arms. She could deal with some pain.

“Jimin!” she shouted with fear in her voice as the members rushed to him.

"What happened!? Is he all right?! Jimin!” loud commotion surrounded them as they tried to help him.

Everyone freaked out when he passed out and staff tended to him until he regained consciousness. Jen stood out of the way after the staff took over. Jimin kept reassuring everyone that he was fine and could keep going but dance practice was canceled for the rest of the day and he was told to rest.

At the dorm, Jimin went to rest like he was told and ate a little. Jen was happy to see him trying to put something in his stomach after passing out as well as continuing to drink water.

“That was scary, Jimin. You sure you’re all right?” Taehyung asked with concern as he sat on his bed with Jungkook. “I’m glad Jennie caught you before you hit your head on the floor. That would have been even scarier,”

The new information he was told sparked Jimin’s interest as he looked astonished that it was her. He did feel something soft before he lost consciousness.

“She caught me?”

“Yeah, it was like she zoomed right behind you before you connected to the floor,” Jungkook added. “Like she knew something was wrong. I know you have your reasons for doing this but please be careful with the diet. We’re all here for you, you know that,”

Jimin nodded. He was grateful for Jennie catching him. He seriously could have given himself a concussion since he fell so abruptly. He found himself wanting to see her. But then he remembered that she wanted to give him space and was going to wait until he was ready to forgive her. To tell the truth, he had forgiven her as soon as she apologized. But he chose to let her go and see how long she was going to give him space. She did a great job letting him be, and respecting his wishes. He asked himself how long he was going to continue to ignore her.

But in the end, he missed his friend.

He missed his Ennie.

He knew she was trying her best to be a better friend and not lash out like she did. To show more compassion in his struggles instead.

Later that evening, Jen went to peep into Jimin’s room to find him sleeping while Taehyung and Jungkook were still with him. The way she stuck her head in the room hesitantly was noticed by the two boys as they waved and smiled.

She sighed, worrying about Jimin’s well being as she walked in the room. In a hushed voice, not wanting to wake him, she asked, “How is he?”

“Doing good,” Taehyung responded while Jimin listened in, with his eyes still closed.

The sound of her voice made it hard to resist smiling but Jimin kept a neutral face. It was good to hear her ask about him although she still wanted to give him space.

“He ate quite a bit too,” Jungkook added.

“Great. As long as he’s ok. He scared the shit out of me, man...” she said, thinking about how he passed out.

“He gave us all quite a scare. I’m glad you were there to catch him, Jagi,”

“Yeah, you were so fast,” Tae pointed out.

“I dunno what came over me but something told me to keep an eye on him during practice. Well, I just wanted to know how he was doing. I’ll see you guys in the morning. Good night,” she turned to leave.

“You’re leaving already?” she heard Jimin say as he opened his eyes.

Turning back around, she answered in surprise, “Oh, I thought you were asleep. I just wanted to check on you and give you your space,”

“Can I have a moment alone with her?” he requested as he sat up.

“Sure. We’ll be gaming,” Jungkook answered and left the room with Taehyung.

Once they were left alone, Jimin spoke softly. “Thank you,”

“For what?” she looked at him in confusion.

“For catching me when I passed out. Thank you,”

“Always,” she nodded a few times.

“You can come closer, Ennie. I don’t bite,” he chuckled softly and gestured for her to come over to the bed.

The sound of her nickname made her stomach flip as a small smile came across her face. She did what she was told and sat on his bed.

“...how are you feeling?” she asked softly.

“I’m feeling better,” he responded truthfully. “I felt good after eating something,”

“I'm glad to hear you say that,”

Jen was surprised when he reached out to hold one of her hands.

“I’ve been thinking about our friendship since you apologized,”

“Me too,”

“What you did that day really hurt me,”

She nodded. “I know...and I’m truly sorry,”

“I know you are. I see that you are. Over the days, I’ve been missing you and our friendship. Things aren’t how they are anymore and it makes me feel weird. I want things to go back to how they used to be with us,”

“Me too. You’re important to me,”

“You’re important to me,” he squeezed her hand lightly. “And I want us to treasure each other, move forward, and understand each other’s boundaries. I want us to be there for each other and support each other. When things get tough, I want us to talk it out privately without yelling or screaming. I know all friendships aren’t perfect and we’ll argue once in a while but let’s try to work on not yelling at one another like we did,”

“Yeah. I’ll do better and be a better friend to you. Again, I’m so sorry, Jimin,” she said as tears began to fall from her eyes.

"I'm sorry, too," 

He leaned in to kiss her on the forehead and then pressed his forehead against hers, closing his eyes. He felt a huge weight lifted off his shoulders. Less stressed about everything as he expressed himself to her. His eyes had gotten glossy as he pulled away to look at her.

With a smile, he reached out to wipe her tears with his thumb and then pulled her in for a close hug. A hug that was long overdue as they both felt relieved to hug each other again.

“It’s okay...” he murmured and placed a hand on the back of her head. “I’ll be okay...and we’ll be okay...”

They stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s company. It felt good to be forgiven and to move forward. Jimin was right, things were going to be okay.

After pulling away, he asked, “Can you stay?”

“Yeah, of course, I can,”

He let her in under the covers with him and they cuddled, before slowly drifting to sleep.

[fighting-naturalist]

VENTRESS TIME!

Please say hi to my newest version Asajj Ventress! She debuted at FanExpo Canada and I am delighted with how she turned out!

A little backstory:

This is my second version of Ventress. The last I made in 2018 and updated in 2019. At that point, I was a much less experience sewist and was still learning the best way to apply a bald cap (which is challenging even for professional makeup artists!). As much as I am incredibly proud of Asajj 1.0, including the fact that my sewing was SOLID, I am simply far more knowledgable now.

This is my first original design of her. My first version was a recreation of a Clone Wars look. More and more I prefer doing my own designs. In addition to teaching me nearly every sewing technique I know, doing historical work fired my true passion to not only create but to design.

This costume and makeup took 7 hours to get into. A large part of that was that one of my airbrushes got an APOCALYPTIC clog that set me back by about an hour, but still. I painted my thighs and knees, my upper arms, and part of my face, and then I applied and painted a bald cap, after which I could do the "beauty" makeup and then get into the costume. Oh, and then because it was alcohol body paint, it took an hour to get OFF. This is a huge reduction from the three I spent removing Aayla.

I LOVE being Ventress. There is no confidence boost like becoming this bald baddie. It's so easy to fall into character, even in the way I walk. Getting through a packed convention crowd is much simpler when I do my Ventress Walk - shoulders forward, neck arched, heavy steps, and a serious case of RBF.

This is one of my first costumes to look pretty much exactly how I wanted it to. To me, Asajj should always look like a wild animal in a trap: half-starved, angry, scared, and an inch away from biting people. I certainly felt that way in this costume.

As is my Signature (lol) this costume involved a corset. For me, this is both that once I started seeing my corseted silhouette I couldn't stop, as well as a way of quieting my anxiety. Being tightly cinched into a corset always soothes my anxiety - not to mention it does wonders for my back. The day these photos were taken I could not bend over uncorseted due to my back seizing and shrieking at me but the moment that corset went on I didn't feel a single twinge. And when I took it off after the con, my back had actually mostly recovered.

[pix-writes]

The Storm

Ezra x F!Reader | Ezra (Prospect 2018) x AFAB Reader

AO3

Rating: E | Explicit (MDNI) 

Tags/warnings: Porn without Plot, edgeplay, implied size kink & somnophilia, Ezra’s love of endearments and being an absolute tease. (Pre-movie)

Words: 1.3k

A/N: This was supposed to be a piece for kinktober, which was ages ago 😅 but my work has been insanely busy this year! I’ve had a lot to do for life in general too which has sapped time for writing away, but I’m making moves to tackle Rising Tides (my Ezra HG AU series!) next! Though I wouldnt be opposed to making a continuation of this, perhaps... enjoy!

You panted, chest rising and falling as you leaned back against his solid, broad body, head lolling onto his shoulder. He shifted so that your legs spread wider over his knees as he reached down once again to your aching cunt, beginning with only the slightest touch.

It's devastating.

A tiny circling movement, slow but with enough pressure to stoke the thrumming, gentle arousal that you felt into something more wanting and you whined despite yourself.

You can feel Ezra's exhale against the side of your neck and can tell of the slight amusement he feels at your desperation, even if you can't see his expression properly in this position.

This had been going on since early morning, pulled out of the cozy bubble of sleep from the wind hitting up against the pod - your temporary home on this unpopulated rock.

As you had predicted in the preceding days, a storm was raging outside and wasn't likely to let up for at least one cycle, if not more. You were grounded. Though you'd been working your asses off for several weeks, enough to be ahead of schedule.

The long working days usually melted into exhausted sleep, but the lack of recreation time started to cause tension a month into your dig.

Becoming distracted by Ezra's presence, watching him drink, parched in the sun whilst prospecting and feeling unable to do anything about it - not wanting to delay any further than you had to.

Ezra's lingering touches that should be innocent, if it weren't for the heated, longing look in his dark eyes, the promise of 'later' unspoken but clearly communicated to you.

Ever the early bird - likely purely by habit rather than anything else, you theorised, as he was usually a little quieter and grumpy in the mornings - Ezra was awake before you. And he wasted no time in starting. Dragging out the foreplay between you both.

It was something you both revelled in, the pleasure of it. Of course, when your lives are busy there are the occasional rough, frantic quickies, but like Ezra it always leaves you slightly dissatisfied, craving for more…

Now your focus wandered, your increased pants slowing Ezra's fingers against your slick cunt, until his hand stopped completely, cupping your mound. You hadn't even reached the edge this time and you wiggled a little in his lap, earning a small groan from him as the curve of your ass rubbed up against his clothed erection. "Please, Ezra!"

"Already?" He tsked. "This was your idea, little dove."

You could've protested- he was the one who had woken you up fully by eating you out and not letting you cum, after all. But you had definitely raised the stakes of his plans.

One of the things you had delighted about when you first started to be intimate with Ezra, was that you had similar minds when it came to sex and pleasure. Wanting to take your time, wanting to see exactly how far you could go - if that's something you wanted out of it.

It wasn't a pushing of boundaries, like so many, less worthy people have tried to do in the past, merely an exploration into how much you could both take.

And so, you had thrown the gauntlet down. Claiming you could handle being edged and teased, that you could likely last longer than him.

"Is that so?"

"I know myself." You had replied, smiling coyly in return to his own salacious, challenging smirk.

It had been hours since then, surely? Though you couldn't be sure, the shutters tightly closed on the pod's viewing ports.

Looking up at him you saw his blown pupils, little trace of the warmer brown irises left as he sucked his wet fingers, humming at the taste.

He leant down to kiss you, it was sloppy given the awkward angle, even with his fingers lifting and holding your chin in place. But it brought you back to the present.

Back to his spit-slick hand snaking down to circle your entrance, a small warning before pushing one of his fingers into your core making you cry out. His other hand teased you, circling your nipples, grasping at your breasts underneath your shirt in turn as he worked you open to fit another thick finger.

Unable to stay still any longer you moaned, canting your hips into his hand, palm coming to rest against your clit.

"I know, I know." He cooed. "You like my fingers don't you, dove?"

"Yes! So good - feels so good." You could feel every nerve alight at his fingertips as they hit that spot within you in a steady motion. "Please, ah, don't stop!"

In an attempt to coax him on, you ground down against him in earnest.

A bit-off groan came from behind you, Ezra bringing an arm over your chest, pinning you in place against him though you struggled in his grip.

"Ez, you're n-not playing fair."

"No? I guess I am not. But you can tap out, you know what to say." You did know, Ezra would play fair - give you the release you craved if you asked for it, or stop altogether and you could snuggle up together whilst the storm ran its course, instead. But you shook your head and he tightened his hold on you.

"You underestimated me, darlin', you may have better patience than me when it comes to harvesting… but I also know you are so good at keeping your smart, stubborn little brain of yours focused on a task, too…" he said, voice rumbling through you, moving at the perfect pace for you to come undone, feeling the heat rise along your skin. "... I know how much you can get lost in this, caught up in the sensations you feel… that you'll forget this was a competition." His teeth grazed the side of your neck and you gasped, hand coming to grip onto his arm, as something to anchor yourself to.

"Baby, I'm close!"

Ezra moved and you slid off of his lap and onto the floor. Tears sprung to your eyes as you tried not to fall over the edge which had already started to crumble, clenching around nothing as your body shook.

"Okay?" His warm palm was at your back.  

You nodded, tears springing to your eyes. Ezra reached out to smooth a hand over your forehead, damp with perspiration.

"You're doing so well, stardust." He said, his low cadence making you melt, tears falling as you screwed your eyes shut to the tender praise.  

"Just a little bit more. Then I'll make sure you are fully satiated and then some."

Turning around you saw him stand to remove his pants and you rushed to do the same with your top. He looked magnificent, naked before you. Resting his weight on one hip, the soft swell of his stomach, leg muscles flexing, and…

…From your kneeled position you were at the perfect height for your face to be level with his hips, cock flushed, hard and glistening.  

Looking up at his face you realised he had been watching your unabashed ogling of him, evidently preening under the attention.

You swallowed. "Can I?"

He hummed low in his throat, lowering himself down to your level. "Another day, I could be tempted into indulging in that desire, sweet thing… but right now I want you facing me and sitting on my lap."

Shuffling over to the bed and rearranging yourselves, both of you moaned as you eased down onto his cock. All the teasing had made the stretch easier, but you still rolled your hips a little to adjust.

(And to tease him back, just a little…)

He cursed; voice thin. “Dove, you have to stay still.”

With a sigh you relaxed back into his arms, praying to Kevva that Ezra wouldn't make you wait too long…

[appleciderp]

Task Force 141 Age Guesstimates (WITH sources)

TL;DR

Price is the oldest at around 38

Ghost is a close second at around 36

Soap and Gaz are roughly 25-27

↓ All information on how the fuck I got to those numbers below ↓

Ignore the fact that the bio's in-game are absolute trash. For some reason, I cannot access anything past the random cut-offs.

Oh, the info after the in-game screenshot but before the verdict is legit random other info that I found. More specifically actor's age and previous game info if it isn't clear with the current info we have. That you can choose to make your own decisions if you want to ignore my verdicts!

Price: Easy start. His page says 1985.

But his current in-game bio says the exact same info as this Activision link that's from 2019. So I'm assuming they just haven't updated it from 2019, since it would cut 3 years off his age.

Barry Sloane is 41 (1981) No previous canonical birthyear and I didn't go actively searching for much more information

Verdict: Pretty solid 1985 for the dilf.

Gaz: We already have conflicting information; on his page, it says he was born in 1990, yet the timeline says he was born in 1996, neither of which has a proper source. So he would be turning anywhere from 27-33 this year. He joined in 2008 (according to his page and in-game bio shown), needing to be at least 16, so technically the youngest possible is 1992.

But, the same source from Activision that I used for Price says he joined in 2014, if he enlisted at 16, would make him a 1998 baby. Which directly opposes his current bio, which, as said previously, states that he joined in 2008.

I am settling on Activision's ORIGINAL bio being canon, as his in-game bio says he joined in 2008 and at the end of the paragraph says "rounding out a decade in service" which would only bring him to 2018, which would be 4 years prior to the Release of MW2 2022. Whereas 2014 would be near his decade in service next year. It makes more sense to round 1 year under vs 4 years+ over.

Elliot Knight is 32 (1990; probably the cause of his birthyear is listed as 1990) No previous canonical birthyear and I didn't go actively searching for much more information.

Considering Price is only turning 38, I personally prefer scrapping the 1990-1992 date for optimal father-son dynamic.

Verdict: 1996-1998, he'll be turning 25-27 this year.

Soap: This boy's gonna be a doozie.

According to his official page, he was born in 1996 or earlier. It also said that he tried joining the SAS at 16, but was caught that he was too young; which directly contradicts his current in-game bio, which says that he lied about his age and got in.

Considering the information on his page doesn't have any source linking back to it, we will consider he joined the SAS at 16 (which is wild and would have to make him forge a birth certificate) So if we take 2014 (keep in mind I have no clue where they whipped that year out of) minus 16, makes his birth year potentially 1998.

Neil Ellice is clearly ageless as his age isn't listed anywhere online. Previous canonical information hints that he is younger than Gaz, as Gaz had already completed Selection when he joined. According to the old MW timeline, he was born in 1980 (no sources listed) making him 31-36 during the original MW.

Considering the position and name change (all new information is Johnny, not John) I'm just going to discard that information though.

Also, he canonically punched a cop. not important, but I feel like people should know.

Verdict: Legit the only information (even if it's contradicted) we get is <1996 or 1998, so I've gotta go with that. Turning 25-27+ this year. Roughly the same age as Gaz.

more info on why I picked the younger range is in Ghost's info.

Ghost: I struggled with Soap, now onto the one with ~redacted~ information

His current in-game bio cuts off before any actual dates or anything is said. Literally "Ghost lives with a redacted past and an..."

The wiki bio is equally as uneventful, giving us no information about him joining the military or his childhood. At least it wasn't full of information from before the reboot.

Al Mazrah is his first mention in the Reboot timeline, he's not even listed in the section pertaining to Ghobrani's assassination.

So I'm going to be pulling information out of the army straight up. FBI agent watching this, I fucking hate the military IRL <3 If I get one email or text asking to join I'm gonna waste your time asking 2000 questions.

The average age of the UK military is 30 a paid account is required to see the graph, but the information is listed just under it, meaning an officer would probably be above the average.

According to the UK Army, after joining it takes about 20 years to reach Lieutenant. If he joined at 16, he would be ~36y/o, add 2-3 years to go from Lieutenant to Captain, and you've got Price's age.

(~12 years of Service for Sergeants, which makes Soap & Gaz's mid-20s work, especially with them being really fucking good. ~23 years to become a Captain, which again roughly fits with Price being a young Officer)

Samuel Roukin is 42 (1980) this man looks too good for his age omg. The only canonical age-related thing is that he joined the military after 9/11. If we assume he was 16 at joining, it would make him born in 1985. Which fits with the mid-30s right now, but would place him mid-20s in the original timeline.

Verdict: ~1987, making him mid-30s. Younger if you want to make him match the quick rank-ups of the rest of the 141.

[cursedalthoughts]

Analyzing PRs and their WoWs gimmicks - PR1

Very long title for a new kind of post I am going to make. In this smaller series of posts I will look at a PR ship in World of Warships, and then Azur Lane, and try to see if Azur Lane properly portrays their gimmicks or not.

In this first post I will look at PR1 shipgirls, all 6 of them:

HMS Monarch

Starting with my babygirl Monarch, my first ever PR research.

The thing that makes the entire British battleship line stand up from the rest is two-fold: First, from very early tiers, they get an insane fire-starting chane with their high explosive shells (Monarch sits at 35% per shell for 9 shells). This paired with their short-fused AP shells means they are very dangerous to an ample range of ships. Secondly, from Tier 9 upwards, these battleships get a "Specialized Repair Teams" consumable. Normal repair teams heal around 345 HP per second, HMS Lion's repair team heals 1358 HP per second. This is also called a "superheal".

Monarch, sitting at Tier 8, does not get access to this Super Heal. This is very important, as Azur Lane's Monarch does have a skill that mimics a superheal ('Against the Currents+') which heals her 3% of her max HP every 2 seconds for 11 seconds when she falls below 30% HP.

And, ironically, the best way to mimic her absurd High-Explosive performance in WoWs is only possible with Odin's main guns.

My score for Monarch is 4/10: They got a tech tree line gimmick right but it doesn't even apply to Monarch in WoWs, only to her older cousins.

HMS Neptune

Just to finish off the HMS girls in one go, HMS Neptune.

The main features of the British light cruiser line in WoWs are as follows: They can only shoot AP and get no access to HE ammo, they have smoke screen generators (from T9 onwards they can swap it with a radar tho), and are very prone to exploding. Their armor is a joke, from T1 to T11, and no premium British CL is spared from this fate. Well, CAs are the same (which we'll get to in the PR3 post). Their saving grace is their concealment and maneuverability, as their acceleration speed is impressive, meaning they can kite away (run away while playing with your throttle) fairly easily. On top of that, they get access to a heal from very early on (a lot of other cruiser lines have to wait until T8 to get a heal, while the T5 HMS Emerald already has one).

Oh, and their armor piercing shells have what's called "improved penetration angles". This simply means their shells will deal damage to angled enemies, as a compensation for them having only AP ammo.

In Azur Lane, this is perfectly encapsulated with the 'MKV-Class AP Shells' skill (and her FS5 upgraded variant), which makes her AP do more damage. She also gets access to a heal too, in her 'Goddess of the Sea' skill.

Overall, I give Neptune an 8/10. Not a bad representation of her WoWs counterpart.

IJN Ibuki

Ibuki is a fairly straight forward ship, both in AL and WoWs.

In WoWs, Ibuki is a stealthy assassin. Her 10km torpedoes deal a decent 17k damage hit each, having 8 of them per side. In AL, Ibuki feels like a much improved version of Takao and Atago, while not providing anything new in particular.

I have barely played Ibuki in WoWs, so I can't give an appropiate rundown of what makes the Japanese heavy cruiser line unique. Zao, at T10, is the sistership of IJN Unzen (our most recent IJN gacha UR), and is an overall scary ship in good hands; her high explosive deals a lot of damage and has a decent fire chance, and she is a very stealthy ship. The armor piercing of these cruisers is unremarkable from T3 to T10, Ibuki being no exception.

In Azur Lane, she has a skill ('Body and Soul') that augments the crit% and crit dmg% of her torpedoes, and the FS5 evolved version gives her an EVA boost right afterwards.

Overall, I think Ibuki is another solid 8/10.

IJN Izumo

I have bad things to say about WoWs' Izumo.

In 2018, when PR1 was added, Izumo was a mediocre ship in WoWs. Right now, she's much stronger; however, she's so poorly designed I can't handle her. The bad design is not the fault of Wargaming, as Izumo is a preliminary design of the Yamato-class with 410mm guns instead of 460mm guns.

Her deck was too weak compared to the modern day, meaning Izumo was the perfect target of light cruisers and destroyers, as they could and would burn her to death. In the modern day, her deck is 57mm and 32mm, meaning it is harder to farm with HE. Her rearmost turret angle is incredibly bad, having to expose an uncomfortable amount of her broadside to shoot. A good rule of thumb is that if you have to bring your rear turrets to bear for an enemy, that enemy can hit your citadel; and Izumo (and Yamato at T10) are no exceptions, as both ships have a massive weak spot right below their front turrets, the so-called 'cheek armor'. It is much more pronounced in the Yamato (as shown below), but Izumo has this weak spot where even 305mm guns can citadel you from the front.

This aforementioned weakness with her deck armor translates excellently into Azur Lane with her 'Specialized Armor' skill, which makes her more vulnerable to fires, but tankier against AP shells (due to her armor being prone to overpenetrations)

Izumo gets a 7/10 from me.

KMS Roon

Our original, favorite murder-hobo shipgirl, Roon.

In World of Warships she's a completely ficticious upscaled Nürnberg with utterly made-up triple 203mm gun turrets.

Roon's armor is a troll to both the Roon player and the player shooting at the Roon. Most German cruisres have a noteworthy strange aft armor, Hipper being able to take citadel hits when kiting away despite her extreme angle. Roon is much better in this regard, but she still has this flaw; alongside her small turtleback armor (a thing German battleships have as well, which we'll talk about on the PR2 post) means she's hard to citadel up-close but trivially easy to citadel at a certain distance.

German AP is acceptable, but their HE has always been anemic. Most German guns have access to an exceptional rule known as the "1/4 penetration" for their HE, meaning it deals more damage (more info here); but in most cases this hardly compensates for their ratehr bad HE.

In AL, Roon is an all-rounder heavy cruiser capable of tanking and dealing heavy damage. Her skill 'Expert Loader' - literally named after an old commander skill in WoWs that is now named 'Gun Feeder' - feels a bit odd, but makes sense; Expert Loader being a skill that allowed for the quick swapping of the main battery shells from HE to AP or AP to HE (in case, say, a British light cruiser presents her broadside at 10km, becoming a juicy target). I can see the logic behind that skill, same way with 'Well-Rounded Armor' as, well, Roon does have a well-rounded armor in WoWs.

Overall, Roon is a 9/10. Her problem is that she is Roon, the most uninteresting German cruiser of the game (in WoWs).

FFNF Saint Louis

Our favorite traumatized Catholic knight, Saint Louis is the last PR I will cover today

The main features of the French heavy cruisers are simple to understand. They are fast, and have boring guns. The T9 Saint Louis and T10 Henri IV are a bit better - and the relatively new T11 Condé is a ridiculous monster of a ship.

Saint Louis is an incredibly nimble ship, and her guns are at the very least very accurate. Her high explosive is remarkable, too, which is a feature common across the entire French navy in WoWs (Bourgogne being one of the best HE-spamming battleships in the game, for example).

I feel this translates excellently into Azur Lane, as Saint Louis is a fast and nimble heavy cruiser that hits hard, and is a well-rounded shipgirl overall. Her speed and EVA, proportioned by her 'Engine Boost' skill (which is literally the name of the consumable that allows her to go faster in WoWs), is incredible and seeing her dart around the screen at almost destroyer speeds is satisfying. Her skill 'Augmented HE Ammo' is yet another reference to a WoWs commander skill (Inertia Fused HE Shells), as her HE shells do more damage but have less fire chance than usual.

Overall, Saint Louis is the only 10/10 of PR1 in terms of accuracy to World of Warships.

[lostcauses-noregrets]

A few words about trolling and harassment

I've had quite a lot of asks recently about how to deal with trolling, hate and negativity in fandom. There are too many to answer individually, so I hope you don't mind me answering like this.

Sadly trolling and hate is nothing new, it's always been a feature of fandom, and the Eruri fandom is no exception. Because the Eruri fandom has quite visible and popular artists and writers, I think it tends to attracts more trolls than you might expect for such a small fandom. It's also noticeable that incidents of hate and trolling always increase when the whole fandom becomes more active in the run up to anime season releases. Trolling can happen at any time though, sometimes it's a single sorry individual with no life, too much time on their hands, and no imagination to do anything more creative.

Being targeted by trolls can be understandably upsetting and I know that some people get really anxious and upset by the low level ship hate that buzzes around in the background. So how to deal with it? It might sound trite but the best thing to do with trolls is ignore them. Trolls are desperate for your attention, so don't give it to them. I know that's easier said than done though so my advice is that if you can't resist responding, do so with humour. Trolls rarely appreciate being laughed at. I have a strict policy of ignoring all the anon hate I get here on tumblr, but occasionally I get an ask that is too hilarious not to share, so I post it on twitter for everyone to point and laugh at.

Dealing with disingenuous fans can be a bit tricker, as it's not always easy to tell when someone is arguing a point in good faith or if it's bait and they're just trying to start shit. Like trolls, bait is best ignored. Don't let them hook you in and don't argue back, it's not worth wasting your time trying to change their mind. You won't. Just walk away. Spend your precious time on something that you enjoy instead, like reading your favourite fanfic, or creating something new for your fandom. And whatever you do, don't engage with ship hate and ship wars. Leave others to enjoy their ship, and you focus on enjoying your own. Shipping isn't a competition; it's not something you can win or lose. If people are bringing negativity and hate into the tags block them, and curate your timeline to minimise their visibility.

If you find that trolling, harassment and fandom discourse is making you really anxious and upset then you need to disengage. It's vitally important to establish your own boundaries and to stick by them. Don't hang out in spaces where there are people who will upset you, block and report obvious trolls, and mute anyone who brings negativity into your fandom spaces, even if they're from your own side of the fandom. Don't feel that you have to engage with the fandom at large. The best advice I've ever heard is that fandom is best enjoyed with a small group of like minded weirdos who you can share your kinks and headcanons with and who you can bitch to in private. Its sound advice and it's worked for me for years.

Way back in 2018, my friend and fellow Eruri fan @valisi-clark did a fascinating survey of why people send Anon hate. The anonymous responses they got were really eye opening. if you're interested you can read the whole thing here: Anonymous Hate Survey.

I can also highly recommend this beautiful post from @ladymacbethsspot with solid practical advice on how to deal with all kinds of bullying and harassment.

I hope this helps folk to navigate fandom's stormy waters. If anyone needs to get anything off their chest, my ask box is always open. I can't respond to every ask I get, but I do read them all.

[lurkinglurkerwholurks]

Much That Once Was Is Lost

First posted: April 15, 2018

Focuses on: Tim Drake

Favorite bookmark: "more crying. lurker is killing me with this angst"

Tier: Top 20 in terms of hits and comments

This is my “behind the scenes” series where I indulge myself horribly by annotating my fics. Link to the fic itself above. Thoughts below the cut.

As always with multi-chapter fics, I'll start with Chapter One and add subsequent chapters via reblogs.

Chapter One

I'm only tackling one multi-chapter at a time, which is why these end up so wildly out of order with the rest of this tag.

This was the second fic I ever wrote! It spawned directly out of Mother Bruce, which is wild to me because I continued to insist for quite a while that I didn't totally understand or know Tim yet.

Tim had thought becoming an orphan would feel different somehow. Like in the moment his father’s chest fell and failed to rise again, there would be this great rending of reality, forever hewing his life into Before and After. That was how it had worked for Bruce. For Dick. Maybe that was how it worked for him, too, and he was too numb to notice it.

There's always a tension between interior and exterior perspective, one that's both important and fun to play with, because one isn't inherently more true than the other, but they both coexist regarding multiple things at the same time. Here, we're stuck in Tim's perspective about himself and what he's feeling as well as his exterior perspective or assumptions on how a similar experience had worked for both Bruce and Dick, but there's already a signal that the interior perspective, which you might think would be solid and objectively true as a primary witness, may not be at all.

Tim’s fingers ran lightly across the marble table, taking with them a thin layer of dust. The dust and the stale taste in the air were the only change from the last time he had stepped inside the mansion. . . How long had it been?

It took a bit of puzzling to figure out what I thought the Drake home was like, both here and in other fics. Different details could point to different kinds of neglect—neglected and unkempt vs spotless and sterile—complicated by what the house had been vs. what it might have been in the brief window of time before Jack's death.

Bruce had trained all his proteges to walk without a sound, but Tim-who-was-Robin had never needed much practice. He was used to being a ghost in his own home. He made no noise now as he crossed the long entry hall in socked feet, shoes neatly lined by the front door. He walked in the dark, knowing nothing would be out of place. Trusting his feet to guide him safely, the way they always had after his midnight forays after the mysteries next door. In his head, Tim absently counted his steps, as he always did.

Another thing to figure out, how Tim chose to exist in his own home, a place that is undeniably his but also where he is undeniably unwelcome. I built on this more in The Return with the state of his room.

He had clipped the vase with his bag and hadn’t slowed even when the fragile porcelain shattered on the hardwood. He had barely heard it over the rattle of the bottles as he slung the bag over his shoulder. The medicine bottles full of his father’s pills. There hadn’t been time to grab them before Jack Drake had been loaded in the ambulance. Hadn’t been time to load Tim in the ambulance with him before the white doors had slammed shut. So Tim had come after with the medical records and bottles swept from the bedside table into the canvas bag. That was Tim, always following behind.

If this were in a comic, I'd expect to see Present Tim standing at the stares, watching the incorporeal path of Past Him sprinting down the full length of the page.

Also, I don't remember if I gave Jack a specific cause of death (it'll probably pop up later in his fic), but I didn't want to mess with the canon of Captain Kangaroo or whoever it was. No murder needed, just the banal tragedy of human bodies.

Flipping on the lights, he looked around. Here, too, everything was just as he had left it. The overturned chair from his lunge for the alarm. The rumpled bed surrounded by droning machines. The splash of paperwork on the floor. The crumpled plastic debris from the EMTs. Shuffling forward, he nudged the wrappers and disposable medical instruments out of the way, then reconsidered and bent to pick up the trash. Litter was carefully sorted into trash and recycling and disposed of accordingly. The chair was righted. The paperwork was tidied and placed on the dresser. The machines were silenced, then unplugged, the insistent beeps fading into silence and the screens plunging into black.

Tim, forever the fixer, the silent tidier who cleans up after disasters.

[frontlinebicepsoftheninth]

I saw you tagged killing eve in the 'worst series finale' poll - how *does* it end? I watched the first two seasons and then lost interest. (also I hope you're having a good day!)

first of all thank you i am and i hope you are too!!

but alright here we go ⚠️⚠️ MAJOR SPOILER WARNING MAJOR SPOILER WARNING ⚠️⚠️ for anyone who does want to watch for themselves bc tbh the first few seasons are excellent but i honestly don't know if i can recommend them anymore in good faith after knowing where it all ends up

so okay. you know how the whole crux of the show is this intense psychosexual relationship between eve and villanelle. and how there's an obvious romantic tension between them. well from what i remember (cause it's been a while) they started actually working together in season 3, but then because they realized they make each other worse they had this whole dramatic moment where they walked away from each other on a bridge and weren't supposed to look back but of course they both did turn around at the last second and then the season ends.

flash forward to season 4 and you can tell time has passed and they aren't working together and it's implied there was some big falling out and we have no idea what it is. eve is just annoyed and done with villanelle and villanelle is like trying to prove she's not a bad person and goes to church and stuff and actually that plot was extremely hilarious and she imagined up a drag jesus version of herself for advice and they were acting like exes and it was playing into the whole comedic surrealism aspect of the show really well. but after the first few episodes it just kinda fell apart like i just remember feeling lost all season and not understanding where we were going and this is definitely due to the changing showrunners (they should have just kept pwb for the whole thing!!!!) but they kept adding new characters out of nowhere, some of which were really well done but then we were following plots that were thrown in randomly and it was just a bit of a mess.

but eventually by the LITERAL SERIES FINALE eve and villanelle have both given in to the fact that they enjoy being in each other's company as the worst versions of themselves (which is honestly such a fun direction to go that i really enjoyed especially for a sapphic pairing). and after they've been apart for a vast majority of the season finally they have this good banter going and it's all domestic and then there's a scene where they're walking down an empty road together and this romantic music comes in. and they finally literally actually have The Moment. like they had kissed before in the previous season but not in an explicitly romantic way, they were physically fighting each other on a public bus and eve kissed villanelle to throw her off before headbutting her (SO GRIDDLEHARK OF THEM THAT SCENE IS ACTUALLY SO GOOD) anyways. villanelle kisses eve on the cheek and then eve stares at her and grabs her and they make out for a solid FORTY-FIVE SECONDS. it was so intense and they're kissing as they're stumbling down the road and they run back to the camper van they were travelling in and it's for sure implied that they have sex in there. so everyone was like oh my fucking god they actually did it. like this is where the show was always going, it's a whole I Can Make You Worse thing where both people were like "fuck it i'll be worse then" and gave in to the tension that had been building for years not just within the plot but FOR VIEWERS SINCE 2018.

so i don't exactly remember what happens next but the whole season they've been trying to kill The Twelve which was the assassin group in charge of villanelle, and we find out carolyn was a founding member actually, and i will be honest that plot was always confusing to me but iirc she wasn't with them anymore. so eve and villanelle infiltrate this wedding party boat that's a cover for a meeting of The Twelve (this is like the last 10 minutes of the show now) and they kiss again and there's a scene where it's like they're indirectly talking to each other through the wedding speech that eve somehow ends up giving and that's so romantic too and then villanelle slinks off, finds the meeting, and murders everyone. so yay the protagonists are together finally and villanelle killed her abusers and they are finally in happy gay love. then out of fucking nowhere as they're standing outside on the boat villanelle starts to get shot at. (this is literally the last five minutes of the entire show now) and she falls into the river or maybe jumps in to get away i don't remember and she's still getting shot and eve is swimming to try to catch her. and it's all this dramatic slow-mo beautifully shot stuff that's like horrible in context cause the blood is blooming in the water and eve can't reach villanelle and they do a whole creation of adam hand reach before villanelle slips into the depths.

so literally eve had just thrown away any chance at a normal life to embrace the side of her that loves violence and loves villanelle so they could spend the rest of their life together and that was such a slay. and then she loses villanelle which like, if they wanted a tragic ending it would have been kinder to kill them both, it's so much fucking worse to leave eve spending the rest of her life mourning the one person who understood her and let her give in to her carnal desires. and it is directly after letting the two queer characters finally achieve happiness that one of them is killed off which is the DEFINITION of the bury your gays/dead lesbian syndrome tropes, there have been literal academic papers written on how the phenomenon is like a punishment for queer joy etc etc. this shit has been in the discourse for decades and they fell dead center into the trope which is just so disappointing because at the start ke was such a unique story and one of the first mainstream shows that embraced morally gray queer characters in a way that wasn't homophobic.

oh! and guess who shot villanelle? carolyn!!!! and it was still NEVER CLEAR WHY! she worked for MI6 now so it being in revenge of The Twelve didn't really add up, some people thought she wanted to kill villanelle as like a prize for MI6, it was kind of implied that konstantin told her in this note he spent his last breaths writing (yeah he also died which was the saddest tbh) that villanelle had killed carolyn's son kenny (this was a major plot point of season 3 and carolyn was trying to get revenge, he fell off a building under mysterious circumstances) but that made no sense because it was implied to be konstantin since he was on the roof with kenny and also villanelle was literally in fucking spain or something the episode when it happened.

like i get it. this is a tragic show. people die every episode. but from a writing standpoint it makes absolutely zero fucking sense to kill off one of the two main characters of your show, in the last five minutes of the show, after finally cashing in on your flagship queer romance between them, and leaving the motivation for killing her completely ambiguous.

anyways i'm so sorry that ended up this long jesus christ but tldr: killing eve ends in the worst bury your gays i have ever seen after a season that didn't even have good plot or pacing

[orchidbreezefc]

reposting my old twitter thread regarding venom (2018), which a friend once said should be printed on the back of the dvd case. screenshots aren't working but they'd be redundant with the image ID anyway. if you want the 🌟Full Experience🌟 the original thread is [here].

[1/10] ok i just watched the venom movie for the first time and yall? let me level with you. real talk. full frontal honest hot take.

shit was amazing.

[2/10] like you know that whole shit with video games where people just get so into it and the completionism and the competitive scene and the graphics and whatever and youre like yeah ok but is it like. fun

thats me with venom vs mcu

[3/10] like goddamn. i had fun. i loved it. i saw it and it was an enjoyable experience for me and i liked watching it.

with mcu im all no i get that this is an installment of a series that has a greater overarching plot and shit but like.... am i gonna enjoy it? at all?

[4/10] me looking at mcu movies like am i gonna feel an echo of an iota of entertainment anywhere in my being at any point during this movie or nah?? and most of the time its a solid nah!!! but tom hardy just showed me a good goddamn time!!!!!

[5/10] like man. you talk about disaster characters? i thought i had seen disaster characters. eddie turbofucks his life into the ground with great prejudice. he makes dysfunction an art form. he hits rock bottom and pulls out a jackhammer and thats BEFORE the alien

[6/10] like i spent the front half of the movie going dude. who even allowed this dude to be a protag of anything. who said yep lets make this guy the main character, that seems acceptable

and then around the climax i realized that they HAD to for the plot to work

[7/10] like just imagine how shit wouldve gone were eddie not an eighteen wheeler fucktruck tire fire. if the man were capable of catching a whiff of a phantom of the dessicated corpse of his own common sense none of this would have worked

[8/10] like any human being who is even .0005% more functional than eddie (i.e. anyone on the planet) would not have responded like 'hey actually? i LIKE having this cannibal monster alien controlling my body. i think this is GOOD. im gonna KEEP IT.' like eddie what in the whole fuck.

[9/10] this guy is not even there!!! the whole time!!! nothing behind this dude's eyes. he started dissociating shortly before meeting the scientist lady and he just never fuckin stopped. the lights are all off upstairs. this dude is checked out and he is NEVER coming back.

[10/10] final point the dialogue was just fucking phenomenal start to finish. just absolutely batshit nuts what was coming out of everybody's mouths. and the delivery was stellar, like the wack shit they were saying was completely normal and fine. i'd like to shake that writer's hand

BONUS:

[ID: a graphic that reads, in all caps: "disclaimer: black panther and thor 3: ragnarok are exempt from this statement" and in lowercase: "(captain america 2: the winter soldier you're on thin fucking ice)". end ID]

[capncococharms]

Games I Enjoyed in 2023

I did a big blog post last year where I listed all the games I enjoyed playing and gave my short thoughts about each of my experiences... and I'm doing it again!

Since 2018 I've kept a digital sticky note to keep track of all the games I've played AND finished throughout the year. For 2023 lots of folks claimed it was the "BEST" year for gaming and to some degree... I guess??? Depends on who you ask, but to me I only enjoyed like a handful of new releases and played a lot of older games (or remakes of older games). It was a year of reflecting back on what made me love video games more than looking forward to what's "new".

In 2023, I've finished 32 games. That's 10 more games than I finished from last year but out of all the games I played, here are the ones that stood out to me and left a pretty positive impression.

LIVE A LIVE

I never had a chance to play the SNES version, but I was very familiar with the game to some degree from the old days when I use to browse forum threads about RPGs I've never heard of. I knew I would get around to playing it one day and thankfully it got a remake on the Switch (and then it got a PC port later this year). I didn't get to properly play it last year, but after sitting down to play LIVE A LIVE... it's a game with a really powerful soundtrack, engaging characters, and a unique story that left me wanting more games like it.

I could type up many reasons why I like this game, but I feel it's something you have to experience more than anything. I don't want to spoil anything about this game. If you love Chrono Trigger then you will have a great time with LIVE A LIVE.

Final Fantasy VII- Crisis Core Reunion

I love FFVII and FFVII Remake. When they announced they were remaking Crisis Core I was excited to finally see what the deal was and by the end of this game... it left me a very broken man sobbing my eyes out. As a stand alone game it works very well even if you're not familiar with FFVII. It's a touching and contained story about a man striving to be a hero. Zack is a person I wish I could be in terms of confidence and wanting to do what's right. He's also a goof ball and I am very happy I got to know him more through Crisis Core. I don't want to say much about this game either, but PLEASE play it if you haven't! It made me finally understand why people love Zack so much.

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

I've put off this game for way too long. I had the chance to get into it when this game came out on 3DS, but I was too busy in college then. I ended up playing the PS3 version of the game (this was before the MGS Master Collection came out to every platform). At first... I wasn't a fan of this game. I struggled to play this game and felt like an idiot when it came to sneaking. I got stuck at the Volgin fight and out of spite, I started over on "Very Easy" to better equip myself. After working my way back to Volgin, I enjoyed my experience more and was engaged with what was happening around me. Once the game was finished, I was tearing up and couldn't help but think about how often true heroes are forgotten and how history is retold.

Thank you for the heartrending experience, Hideo Kojima.

The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

I had a weird experience with Zelda games this year. Tears of the Kingdom released and I went in hoping it would be a great follow-up to Breath of the Wild. I wasn't the BIGGEST fan of BotW. I had some faith going in that TotK would be a better experience. Unfortunately, after making it back to Hyrule my fears sort of came true. It felt like the same game I played almost 7 years ago except you can use bubble gum to craft and make things which is... fine I guess.

I kept pushing on hoping the story was going to set up something great and for a while, it did! The BIG twist was interesting, but once I got to the final scene I wanted to chuck this game out the window. The newer Zelda games just weren't doing it for me anymore so I decided to replay some older Zelda games (Wind Waker HD and Twilight Princess HD which was a TON of fun to replay) and decided it was time for me to give Majora's Mask another chance.

I ended up playing this on NSO and after a month or so, I 100%'d the game and greatly appreciated what this game had to offer in terms of setting, story, soundtrack, and characters. The setting is dark and terrifying yet it still keeps a goofy demeanor. I just fell in love with exploring and seeing how human this game can be (especially the finale). This is what I want to see with future Zelda games. I miss having ACTUAL dungeons and linearity, but we won't get that again. I hope that there will be another 2D Zelda game or Nintendo goes back to its roots with 3D Zelda games, but here's to all the indie devs out there trying to recreate that GOOD Zelda magic.

The Great Ace Attorney (Adventures)

I love this series but fell off during the 3DS era with AA6 (I still need to play that...). Since this game is more of its own thing I thought I would give it a shot and MAN! This game took the AA formula and dialed it up to 1000. In Ace Attorney fashion I love the characters, I love the puzzle-solving, and the mystery aspect where everything is tied together (especially that finale omg). My only irk is that the cases tend to go on a bit too long compared to AA 1-4, but I can let that slide because I was streaming this game, and having to voice and read EVERY bit of dialogue was exhausting (I plan to play Resolve on my own time next year so I can get through it much quicker). Ace Attorney still rocks and I hope to catch up and play more in 2024 (looking at you Apollo Justice "Trilogy").

Ranko Tsukigume's Longest Day

One of the shortest games I played this year. I love SUDA 51's work and wanted to give this a shot and it sure was an experience, to say the least. The gameplay is simple and difficult at weird times, but the one thing that sticks out to me about this game, in particular, is the absurdity and goofy humor (which is... basically expected with a SUDA 51 experience) with its visuals and jumping to different art styles and animation. Something about this small game makes me want to start working on my own projects more than anything. You can tell this was made with a creative team and the devs from Tokyo Jungle worked on it to so maybe that's another game I should look into as well... Overall, this was like a fun snack to chew away at left me with my heads in the clouds.

Pizza Tower

I don't need to say much about Pizza Tower. If you've played it, then you get it. Go play Pizza Tower! The OST and crude cartoon art style is what gives this game... uh as the kids call it... "soul". It's the Wario Land game that Nintendo will never make. It's 25% off on Steam! GO PLAY PIZZA TOWER!

Hypnospace Outlaw

Had a rough time playing through this game at first because it would crash pretty often. Turns out the game would connect to the wrong graphics card so after I got that sorted out, I finally got to play this game in peace, and... man... there's nothing else like this game in terms of telling a story/ narrative through faux web browsing. It's a game that perfectly emulates the experience of the late 90's internet browsing. There's a particular joy in exploring page after page to learn about all these characters and their hobbies. Letting the player take a small peek into their lives is a treat. As you get deeper into the game, you start learning about some of these people and who they are underneath their online persona. Without going into spoilers, the game went in a direction I didn't expect with its tone. The final arc of this game left me with some tears and a HUGE respect for what once was before what our current internet has become...

Hypnospace is really really cool.

Undertale Yellow (Pacifist Route)

Kinda unexpected that a fan game would end up on my list, but I'll make the exception. From what I've read, Undertale Yellow was in development for 7 years and that dedication and work shows in terms of presentation, story, and new characters. For a fan game, it doesn't heavily depend on needing the cast of characters from the base game of Undertale to tell its OWN story. Like Undertale, you fall in love with these new casts of characters and go through many vignettes in each part of the Underground where you get to learn about how these monsters live, and just like Undertale you'll laugh, you'll cry, and wish that the journey would never end. Once again I don't want to spoil anything, but for a prequel to Undertale's story... it's surprisingly more powerful than I thought it was going to be. Congrats to the entire Undertale Yellow team who worked on this. It was a pleasant December surprise that made me want to work harder on my passion projects.

I feel to some degree, I love this game probably a little more than Undertale itself...

Probably...

One thing for sure is that this game is helping me tide over until the new chapters of Deltarune come out.

2023 was a great time to play my backlog and give games another chance. Also trying out new stuff in the process despite my current feelings on the gaming industry at the moment...

I hope in 2024, I can continue to dedicate my time to slowly chip away at my backlog and try out new games (or older games I missed out on). Video games inspire what I want to do creatively and I love seeing what people can create and put out there.