#i feel like i absolutely can not perceive clear instructions

[localplaguenurse]

I'm not immediately an expert at crochet

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for stranding my character in a desert wasteland?

I suppose this may take a bit of explaining, won’t it?

I (rude question, M) will say that in the past I have had a rather… difficult time making decisions for myself. I’m a… well, technically I’m a ‘game designer,’ and I had this wonderful idea for a new game. But I lacked a good protagonist! I assumed that given the right character, they could also assist me in making decisions for the game. It was a wonderful idea, if I do say so myself.

Eventually, I stumbled on just the right man for the job. He (34, M) is a rather boring fellow, but he seemed very good for my intentions. He would even fit right in to the setting I’d been imagining— how wonderful is that! Finding the perfect character is an almost unparalleled feeling.

I truly thought the process would be straightforward— direct him down the correct path, have an interesting plot twist here and there, and my game would be perfect. But right from the get-go, he began defying my instructions. You give a man clear expectations, and he decides to go against exactly what you say! Really, how rude is that!?

I had a script prepared and everything, but he simply was not keen to follow my instructions, forcing me to improvise instead!

Despite it all, I was helpless to stop him— not even my control over the setting could help. As much as I attempted to remove possible choices, they would either return on their own, or he would find a way to make them anyways. It was terribly frustrating, but I’d grown rather attached to him as a protagonist at that point, and I was dead-set on making it work.

Fast-forward a little while, and my game actually did catch on! Something about my character being able to make his own decisions was rather appealing to my audience, and so begrudgingly, I chose to let him stay.

However, the developers made the decision to make a sequel of my game— which had absolutely the intention to stain the integrity of my original game. They didn’t even think to give it any worthwhile features!

Despite it all, my protagonist decided that he enjoyed these pointless features, and I could tell the developers were winning him over. But no, no, I couldn’t have that!

You see, I had an area that I’d stashed within my game— one that only I knew about, one very, very special to me. It contained every one of my positive experiences with my original game, so I could remember it without any blasphemous new additions attempting to appeal to a wider audience.

Now that my protagonist was wanting the features of the ‘new game’, I decided to bring him to this area, in an effort to remind him how good the old game truly was.

I’ll be honest, I don’t really remember what happened next— my protagonist seemed rather distraught by it, kept telling me he was happy to see me again— as if I had gone somewhere, hah! I wouldn’t abandon my game like that, I don’t know where he could’ve gotten the idea.

But either way, I had a new idea on how to win him back over— a burst of new ideas and features that I chose to implement into the old game! Beat that, developers!

At this point, my protagonist had settled into his routine of going against what I said, but at least he was listening to me some of the time.

I’ll admit, it was rather nice. No longer did it seem I had to fight with him, and I had even developed a script for every wrong choice he made! No more surprises.

…However, that is, until he got UNREASONABLY attached to one of the new features I’d implemented.

I wouldn’t blame him it he simply liked the object I had given him, but no! He carried it around everywhere he went, and even had the gall to get upset when he lost it!

And not only that, but this progressed into him thinking that it was speaking to him! Can you believe it!? And because of that, he began ignoring me for the sake of following perceived directions from this object!

I gave that thing to him because I’d noticed he was lonely, and obviously I couldn’t be there with him, so I thought that it may be nice for him to have something else to hold.

However, it all came to a point where I was going over good memories I had shared with him, and instead of listening to me, he blatantly told me that he wanted his bucket back.

I suppose it was a sort of ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ situation, as it were. I was done with him and his bucket-loving nonsense, and I didn’t NEED him to make my decisions anymore. And so I cast him outside of the game, into a desert wasteland, because it was the only other map I had on hand.

I will admit, for posterity sake, that I do miss him sometimes. He was a wonderful protagonist, and if I could bring him back, I certainly would. But I simply do not think I could deal with the fact that he’d chosen an object over me. Me! The man who’s been with him since the start!

So, dear reader— am I truly the asshole in this situation?

Edit: What’s with all this nonsense in the comments? I keep saying MY protagonist because he is the protagonist to my game! It’s simply easier to type! I don’t know what you all are implying, but it certainly doesn’t have the connotations you think it does.

[helle-bored]

For me one of the issues with being neurodivergent is that I've always struggled tremendously with the concept of "good enough". 

Most people who've tried to help me with this have treated it like a perfectionism issue, and it kind of is, but not in the way they think. It isn't that I have a clear concept of expectations and think I need to exceed them; it's that I almost NEVER have a clear concept of expectations and don't know where I'm allowed to stop...so I just keep going until it seems like no reasonable person (me) could find any flaw in it.

When I was in my first semester of grad school, my advisor told me my papers were approaching a postgrad level, and he used one as an example for my peers (and made some of said peers cry because they were panicked about the expectation of having to write like that).

And I said to my advisor, "Hey, did you know even just the short 300-500 word essays you're having me write are taking me 4-6 hours? And I'm getting burnt out." 

And he said, "Well, it should only take you half an hour."

And I was like, "Ok, cool. You've said I'm writing above my cohort's level. What should I cut out or do differently? Because I've read the assignment instructions but I really don't understand expectations very well and I'm having difficulty knowing what is good enough."

And that fucker!! looked me in the eyes!! and said: "Oh, keep writing at the same level, just don't take so much time doing it."

!!! the fuck !!!

...I think he thought he was making things easier for me? Somehow? But in reality, I felt like I was being punished for my perfectionism, because now I was expected to overachieve but in a quarter of the time. 

Anyway, I still don't really understand what "good enough" means, and regularly have to corner my boss and say, "Hey, can you clarify what you want?" --because otherwise I won't know where to stop.

And it's absolutely wild, but I think this trait is perceived as an "area for personal growth" in corporate environments -- because you're supposed to be able to just... know what's good enough without having someone tell you. And I fuckin hate it? I hate how needing concrete expectations is seen as immature somehow? 

And I hate how it's been perceived as primarily driven by perfectionist anxiety by the people around me, when (unlike with anxiety, which often doesn't have an addressable cause, and instead pops up elsewhere once you fix it in one place like a game of whack-a-mole) there IS a clear solution for it that makes this particular type of anxiety go away, and that solution is... clear concrete expectations and metrics for success, so that I know what to do and what my goal is.

I'm very curious if this is something other ND people struggle with, because oh man does it make me feel alienated and burnt out sometimes.

[checkoutmybookshelf]

Little Moments with Massive Impacts

I absolutely adored Daughter of the Moon Goddess and Heart of the Sun God, and there is something lush and comfortable and quietly gripping about Sue Lynn Tan's writing. When Tan's original duology ended, I was satisfied, but honestly this is one of those worlds where I would happily take anything more the author was willing to give us. And she has given us some new small moments and an epilogue that just wrapped my heart in a warm blanket and squish hugged it. Let's talk Tales of the Celestial Kingdom.

SPOILER WARNING!!! I am going to spoil not only TotCK, but DotMG and HotSG. BE WARNED.

This little short story collection is divided into three main sections: "Dusk," "Twilight," and "Dawn." Each section covers moments before, during, or after the main duology. The only story from Xingying's perspective is the last one; the other stories are from the perspective of other characters.

"Dusk" focuses on Chang'e and Houyi and expands their relationship before Xingying's birth. It also explores the toll killing the sunbirds took on Houyi and the choices that led to Chang'e taking the immortality elixir to save her own and Xingying's life. Seeing their relationship and their clear love for each other before decades of grief and change have colored and complicated it was a delight. Chang'e and Houyi in this version of their tale are fiercely in love, and that is ultimately what makes their story so tragic.

I also loved that, despite the brevity of the stories, the emotions were clear, complex, and communicated effectively. That can be hard to do in short form (I have always been terrible at it; I like to have a little more space to really wallow in feelings when I write) and I've never been a major short story girl; I like novel-length stuff. But I was entirely here for this reimagining of the Chang'e myth.

"Twilight" fills in spaces that were implied but not explored during the DotMG and HotSG timelines. We get a little more Liwei and Xingying as students, with a quick little adventure just as Liwei realizes he is beginning to fall in love. We also get a little more Wenzhi and Xingying in the Celestial army, also as Wenzhi realizes he is falling in love. I absolutely adore seeing Xingying through their eyes, and it was very instructive to see how they perceive their relationship with Xingying. I was ALWAYS a Wenying (Xingzhi? I dunno, reblog with your preferred ship name) girl, because quite frankly Liwei had too many Prince Jonathan of Conte vibes for me to think he was a good idea. Getting into Liwei's head just strengthened that perception, and while I can understand that he and Wenzhi were both inherently flawed characters...frankly I could support Wenzhi's flaws a lot more smoothly than Liwei's. (Honestly y'all, I might actually need to slap Liwei, especially when he's out here being an UTTER DICKHEAD).

Our boys aren't the only perspectives in "Twilight." We also get Shuxiao and Mengqi's mission to free the Celestial Emperor from Wugang. We are always here for BFF Shuxiao, and honestly if we were ever to get another short story collection in the Celestial Kingdom, I want a slice-of-life first date for these lovely ladies, because they have SUCH A SPARK. Like, we get one short story for them. It is 19 pages. And yet I am HERE for them to have a long, happy life snarking off at each other. The chemistry was just beautifully done. Give our girls their own book.

Finally, "Dawn" gives us a little more from Wenzhi in his mortal life, and Yingxing inserting herself into it. It's darling, and I appreciate the subtle nuances and differences that highlight that yes, this is definitely Wenzhi, but it's not Wenzhi the Prince of the Demon Realm. And yet he and Xingying are still perfect for each other, still love each other. And they have their first mortal date at Wenzhi's favorite tea house. It's DARLING.

What the final story does, however, is give me the ending that I desperately hoped for--but notably did not get--at the end of HotSG. The end of that book gives us the hope that Wenzhi and Xingying will have an immortal life together with Wenzhi's memories and experiences as an immortal restored to him. It was a wonderful, uplifting end to a book that had a lot to do with grief, but the thing it didn't do was make it too easy. Which I think is so important for good storytelling.

That said, actually getting Xingying and Wenzhi reuniting as immortals, and--for Wenzhi--picking up after he had just sacrificed himself for Xingying was SO. SATISFYING. We had the hope, we knew it was a possibility, and that's often what we have to sit with and exist with in real life. That's fine. But every once in a while--a very great while, it seems--we get the fruition of that hope and promise. We actually get the unambiguously happy ending and we, along with Xingying, remember that happiness is crucial.

Y'all, the end of this collection is so soft and happy, and I'm so deeply grateful that it's in the world with me.

[donnerpartyofone]

PUBLIC POLL: Where do you think this relatively recent thing comes from, where people read every post on social media as if it's literally and directly telling them what to do with their lives? That is, fewer and fewer people seem to read the words of strangers as just One Man's Opinion, or as something they can simply ignore if it doesn't apply to them or sounds too flawed to worry about. The whole "let people enjoy things"-thing is obviously the prime example: If you invite me to your house to show me your favorite thing, and I come over and I'm incredibly rude about it to your face, that sucks and I'm in the wrong; but if I post something critical of your favorite thing on the internet and we don't even know each other, then you should really have the self-confidence to ignore me and not feel like I'm dangerously capable of preventing you from doing anything at all. Moreover, you don't even have to tell me you disagree with me if it's just patently obvious that we don't share the same worldview or sources of pleasure or whatever, and there's nothing to be gained from one of us trying to force the other to change their mind. I'm no threat to you, and you're no threat to me. But it feels like that's not how more and more people act these days, everybody seems to see regular old venting and opining as like a form of legislative peril that they need to defend themselves against.

PS --and I think this might be somehow linked to the anxiety around making sure that all fiction represents things that would be OK for real life, and if it doesn't, then it requires some sort of elaborate deposition on the author's personal ethics. It seems like this is not just about whether art needs to have moral integrity just on principle, but it's rooted in the idea that fiction is being fed into people's brains like a script and they'll just start imitating it helplessly so we better make sure it's all safe and sane, or else; that's the only reason immorality or amorality in fiction would be a threat. It's like there was a moment not too long ago where cultural literacy was finally becoming a thing--where a lot of people started to perceive subtext and politics and social context in what they consume for the first time, which is a positive development--but then it all went downhill when the reaction was to attack any art that can't be used as a sound instruction manual for living, which is not the right response. The viewpoint sees everything as propaganda, and it also treats everything like it SHOULD be propaganda, which is pretty bizarre. But I think whatever is motivating that behavior could also be motivating the perception that the opinions of random internet strangers pose some kind of existential threat to your lifestyle and freedoms, and you absolutely have to make sure OP knows they can't tell you what to do. As if that weren't perfectly clear in the first place.

[inadeepanddarkdecember]

hc meme: F U C K

F - Friend - What kind of friend are they?

LOYAL. Once Cyrus has settled on being friends, he never wants to give that up, no matter how convinced he is that it's destined for disaster and about to fall apart any minute. It takes a pretty severe trust breach to shake him, and even then... Once you live in his heart, you're stay there. He'll still find part of himself yearning. Beyond that, he's absolutely terrible at giving affection or affirmations, but he's very attentive. He'll remember little things you tell him and bring it up later, or put that knowledge into thoughtful gifts. Quality time is how he primarily expresses love, but he's also big on acts of service. Gifts too, if he can make it seem nonchalant.

How do they judge potential friends?

Harshly. He very firmly believes that all kindness and friendliness is fake and 90% of people are deeply unpleasant and only want to use him in some way. He long ago decided the best way to combat this is to be as difficult as possible; he wants to be left alone and, if he makes that very clear, it'll scare off most people. Persistence confuses him, and if you can confuse him (aka, act in any way that defies his expectation for how the world works), you can befriend him. Recently, he's gotten a little bit better in that he can sit in the same room as strangers without feeling horrible discomfort and wanting to run away. Now, he can just vibe and ignore people.

Where do they draw the line between platonic and romantic relationships?

Cyrus is someone who, in spite of himself, gets crushes pretty easily. He never initiates, due to his absolute conviction of his inherent un-date-ability. So for him, everything is platonic always, even if you're fucking him and kissing him directly on the mouth, unless you say it's not. HOWEVER. Due to his ease of crushes, he may Yearn.

How far would they go for a friend?

Die??? The answer is die. Basically anything if he understood the need to be enough. He doesn't really do things without understanding why.

How do they handle conflict in relationships?

Poorly. Either he snaps on the spot when something upsets him, or he bottles it up and pretends nothing's wrong. He tends to blame himself for relationship problems. He can have important relationship conversations but it's very hard for him to verbally vulnerable like that.

U - Ugly - What traits to they find unattractive in others?

Any form of fakeness (or perceived fakeness). Anything that reminds him too strongly of himself. Anyone who's popular/successful. Paternalistic traits. Redheaded women.

Do they have any of those traits themselves?

Well... Yes? He considers his whole personality a red flag. xD

C - Caregiver - How do they give/receive care best?

I already touched on how he gives care in the first question. You haaaave to give care to Cyrus in a roundabout way. His mind excels at taking overt expressions of affection and twisting and tearing them into shards that cut. When he leaves you a gift, he doesn't even really want acknowledgement you received it; the greatest thanks is just for him to see you using it (or seeing it displayed on a wall or shelf). He finds it so hard to trust words, and he doesn't like touch. He needs to see care in actions.

Do they care for everyone or just a small number of people?

People? You can count them on one hand. but he cares for Every cat.

How do they react to someone in need?

Ignore, mostly, honestly. He considers it not his problem. If he saw someone bleeding out on the street, he'd call 911, but Cyrus doesn't talk to cops, and he wouldn't go out of his way to help someone with car problems, or chase down a lost wallet, or any of that. With friends, he wants to help desperately, but he needs clear instructions/expectations. He's great with problems that have concrete, logical answers. If it's an emotional problem, he runs through his bank of "Things That Work", and if they don't work for this specific thing, then he'll just sit there by the person quietly freaking himself out as he tries to gauge if an idea will help or make things worse.

K - Know It All - Are they a Know-it-All?

HONESTLY. Yeah. He thinks he's probably stupid, but also if someone says something factually incorrect in his vicinity, he'll correct them. It's not even an ego thing; in his mind he's just correcting an error, same as fixing a typo in an email.

Do they actively seek out new knowledge?

Yes! He loves reading; he loves watching documentaries; he loves museums. He's probably gotten into the cinema side of youtube pretty deeply, in particular.

How do they behave around others how have a great amount of knowledge on a topic?

That depends entirely on if Cyrus has categorized this as a "person who knows what they're talking about". (You may have noticed a theme of extremely black/white thinking with him and you're right.) If no, he's going to be annoyed. If yes, he will happily engage. It sounds obvious, but common interests can bypass his barriers around strangers pretty easily.

[savingthrcw]

I think Jenny's gender identity and sexuality are relatively messy considering where she comes from (100% Doctor's DNA but also re-programmed by a human machine) and this is gonna be long because it's interesting to me (should reblog it tomorrow but hey):

-it seems the default status for Gallifreyans/Time-Lords and whatever the Doctor is, is genderfluid, or at least there doesn't seem to be a concept of 'gender' the way we have it, but Jenny is indubitably a cis-woman and she'd feel disphoria in a non-woman body (so I guess she'd be perceived as 'wrong' by people from Gallifrey?) and while she thinks the machine did it to her, it's easy to see that there are plenty humans that don't adhere to the idea of only two genders, so no, it's just who she is. -she doesn't have a preference when it comes to orientation, humans or not humans (as long as they are humanoid, see Tree People like Art), any gender or lacking gender. Though she can 'control' who she's into (as in: I still don't know if you are married to my dad, so I'm not trying anything) so her attraction is more based on what she KNOWS she can do to people than on actual immediate attraction save exceptions, or at least it starts that way. -I headcanon the previous Jenny as nearly aromantic but also rarely feeling bonds with people in general so as an aro person I'm not sure it counts when it's part of how she was 'programmed' and not her natural state, while this one does, and the two things also stay separated now, especially since s.ex is seen mostly as a way to let out steam and have fun, though she's able to feel connections and romantic love (but seriously, it's super easy to make her physically attracted, it's way harder to make her romantically attracted, and she'll fight it too if the time comes while right now she thinks she'd like it). -cool with having an open couple or closed one even when feelings are involved, but that's because she's constantly gone/not going to grow old any time soon and not because she's that open-minded, and if she and her partner decided 'they are not casual and officially a couple' she would not enjoy watching them interested in someone else, while if they are casual she doesn't care. So she's not poly but she's also somewhere between 'it can be casual and open or more serious and closed, I'm fine either way it all depends on what we agree on and then I'll set my expectations', she's not into threesom.es either, very against the idea of cheating/allowing a person to cheat with her and the latter IS a human rule from the machine? at least the fact that she'd feel so strongly about it, because 'a good soldier never betrays' which is funny considering she absolutely sided with her dad against her army. Instructions weren't clear. Also she's jealous, which is not something I often feel with my muses but she's got it, not in a creepy obsessive way though.

[alexsfictionaddiction]

Review: Poles Apart by Anna and Jacqui Burns

I adore stories that showcase women overcoming their insecurities and discovering their strength and that's exactly what I would expect from a book that centres pole dancing. I've never tried pole dancing because I've never had any arm strength but Mark's mum and sisters do it regularly and I'm always in awe of what they can do. So, I was really excited to give this delightful book a go. Thank you to Allison and Busby for inviting me on the blog tour! Again, I can only apologise for how late I am in posting this.

The beautiful, sleepy village of Morlan in Pembrokeshire is about to be visited by the enigmatic, free-spirited and inspirational Feather Starr who is on a mission to restore confidence and connection between the local women who need it the most. Before they know it, Gwen, Ivy, Summer and Meg are facing their biggest challenges yet all while swinging around a pole.

Having never been to a pole class, I loved how the book gave us an insight into what Feather's classes entail. We really get to know the true benefits of pole dancing in a way that didn't feel preachy or instructional. It was embedded into the story really well and I felt like I was learning along with the characters.

I think all of the women question the nature of the class at some point. They worry that the sexual slant to pole doesn't really fit with their personalities and how they want to be perceived in the close-knit community that they live in. They definitely face some kickback from the more conservative residents of Morlan and I loved how in spite of this, none of them wavered from their dedication to the class at all.

Recently widowed Ivy was a character who I particularly warmed to. I was willing her to stick to her guns in the face of all of the irritating, unwanted 'suggestions' as to what she should do with her life. It saddens me to know that the attitude that women's lives have no purpose without men is still so prominent in our society. As someone who was single for many years and it being a 'problem' that I had to overcome, I can say with absolute certainty that it is.

Right from the start, it was clear how important and therapeutic the classes were for all four of the women. It was so heartwarming and beautiful to watch their journeys, so I'd love to thank the authors for that wonderful experience.

Poles Apart is an empowering, addictive read that follows loveable characters and gorgeous friendships. There was so much authenticity to both the characters and the setting, which meant that I could easily get immersed in it. I also loved the mysterious element to Feather. This wasn't a necessary thing but it added that extra bit of interest and I loved how the epilogue wrapped some of that up. It was a lovely, cosy read!

[cinnamonest]

Xingqiu - Yandere Profile

I actually just got my sweet bookworm boi to his next to last ascension, my hydro baby, my angel, I love him even if bc of him I have to marathon fight the oceanid

I’ve had a lot of reqs for him & Chongyun dating back to January again lol but it only felt right to wait until I finished both so I could release them at the same time, so, Chongyun’s will be up immediately after this!

=======================

TWs: fem reader, yandere, confinement, manipulative behaviors, mentions of homicide, gaslighting, Xingqiu being a spoiled arrogant brat

TWs (below cut): noncon/dubcon, manipulating and guilting reader into sex, overstimulation, fluids/cumplay, humiliation 

Since there's no canonical age but he has a bit of the rounded young face I'm tagging with the sh*ta tw as well!

=======================

Severity Scale

Intelligence/Perceptiveness: 7 Brutality: 3 Physical capability: 4 Mental/emotional instability: 6 Restrictiveness: 7 Sexual sadism: 5 Stubbornness: 8

What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

Tries to buy his way to you, initially. He's grown up seeing the power that money holds over people, and, well, his father can always just wave a bit around and get whatever he wants from most people, so why should you be any different? He goes for stereotypical "girl" things like flowers and jewelry at first, unless you have some prominent and well-known interest, in which case he'll invest in something related to that.

Honestly, for all his chivalry and all that, his maturity is something of a faux one, a sort of projected self-image of the gentlemanly figure he strives to be... but when he lets that slip, he can be something of a childish spoiled brat. The thing is... he's completely unaware and refuses to acknowledge that he can be so immature. He likes getting what he wants, when he wants it, exactly how he wants it, and being denied the things he wants isn't particularly common in his life. So rejection comes not so much as a disappointment so much as a shock. No matter, you're just... a brat, yourself. You think you're too good for everyone, he reasons, so you play hard to get.

Really, after recovering from the initial shock, he realizes he likes things this way. He likes challenges. It would be no fun if you came to him easily. You may be a brat, but in the end, the one thing he refuses to ever do is lose. Chivalrous gentlemen are fine with having to earn their things, so really, he's thankful that you reminded him of his morals, of his desire to truly earn the things he wants. It will make it that much more meaningful.

So he goes heavy on the idea of "courting", following whatever old and prudish traditions may exist in Liyue. If you're from somewhere else, he figures, that could be why -- clearly he hasn't followed through on whatever is normal for your culture. Silly him. He makes an effort to research whatever those traditions may be, and goes to the absolute maximum on performing them. Lavishes you in gifts of all kinds, constantly giving you compliments. He even goes to the effort of, if all else fails, reading romance novels targeted at women to get a better grasp of what exactly you're supposed to like, and emulates those behaviors.

Overall, though, in later stages Xingqiu slightly more mild for a yan, allowing you to have interactions with others (even if he’s irritated), such as his family, family servants, and his friends, and will even take you outside now and then. However, he will cut off your ties to those friends you had before that weren't mutual friends. He's also one of the least likely yanderes to ever kill someone, and will avoid hurting people if possible -- if anything, he prefers more discreet methods like ruining their life socially or financially.

He's also a lot more moody behind closed doors than he is to most people. His attempts to be oh-so-mature eventually kinda crumble, and the more comfortable he becomes around you, the more he lets his immaturity show.

He could assign family servants to looking for you, but really, he prefers to do it himself, this is about love after all, he doesn't want to assign them to a task they would never perform as diligently as he could. But rather than stalking, he chooses to just kind of... stay with you. He's somehow always where you are, "coincidentally" running into you everywhere and then somehow nothing having anything to do, because he clings to you for hours until you finally have to go home, and even then, he'll just follow you to continue the visit there if he can. No point in watching from a distance when he can be right there with you. And again, he's actually surprisingly unaware that his clinginess is so obvious, he's oblivious to how obvious his infatuation is. Which is a bit odd, considering that he's usually fairly perceptive, but he's so confident in the fact that he is normally perceptive that he allows himself to slip into abnormal behaviors without really realizing it, because he's not constantly on guard in the way some less socially adept yanderes are.

On a genuinely sweet level, there's one little thing he keeps hidden from you. He's actually written a lot of love poetry for you, verses about you and all of the things he loves about you so much... Despite usually being fairly confident in his work, he can't bring himself to show it to you. He's too flustered. And considering your negative reactions to his affection (read: not wanting to be kept like a captive animal), he is actually a bit sensitive to that perceived rejection, which further discourages him. He keeps them all stashed away, stuffed into some fairly hidden drawer. Should you ever come across them and bring them up, it's one of a very few things that will genuinely make him super embarrassed, and he'll just insist they weren't about you, even though the details make it obvious they were, and storm off, never bringing it up again.

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

It's not kidnapping. It's... relocating. He's far too chivalrous to resort to something so brutish as kidnapping! He'll make sure you want to come with him. He can easily arrange for there to be rumors and reports of... occurrences near your home. Criminal activity, maybe false rumors of mysterious disappearances. Hell, he'll get Chongyun to testify that your house has demonic spirits in it. Something to make you want to move out. Maybe some things start happening to you -- you get the feeling you're being watched, you get threatening messages mailed to your home, you have strangers (read: randos who will do anything for some mora he gives them) telling you you're not welcome in the area and to get out. It's all incredibly confusing and scary and you have no idea what brought it all on!

Luckily for you, you have a rich, generous friend who makes it more than clear you're welcome to come stay with him for a while at any time. Eventually, no matter what it takes, he can push you to a point where you'll take him up on that offer. Something feels... oddly ominous about the way the gates to his family estate close behind you once you walk in. Like they're sealing your fate.

And once step one is done, step two of his plan goes into place - make sure you never want to leave. He can make that happen, there's plenty of space here for you to roam, plenty for you to do, and even when he's not there to entertain you, there's plenty of servants to keep an eye on you and make sure that whenever you try to leave, they'll smile and tell you you can't go just yet miss, there's this or that going on tonight! The young master said he had something important for you when he gets back later! You can't go out now, there was just an attack by some deranged person in the town still on the loose! Just... go back inside for now.

Of course, it's wishful thinking, but he likes to maintain the delusion that he can just keep this going indefinitely, that you won't finally one day put your foot down and tell him you've been stuck here nearly a month and you're ready to at least go visit home. He might even entertain it a bit - sure, you can go visit your old house with him and collect some of your old things to bring back with you, but he makes sure to make it look at though whatever problem he made up is still occurring. Nonetheless, if you're insistent, or at whatever point you finally crack and catch on, demand to know what's going on - well, it's not pretty. He gets into something of a tantrum if you don't comply, but ultimately, in his own little huffy, ticked off way, says you can't leave, and that's that, no more questions allowed, and no more of this ridiculous demand to leave. Of course, darling is taken aback at first, even thinking he's joking, but it soon becomes very clear he's completely serious, and intends to enforce that command.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape? 

When he's with you, he's tends to be pretty clingy, both physically and in conversation, never ceasing talking about this or that, and he's actually a sleep-clinger as well, keeping an iron grip around your waist when you sleep. So, whenever he's at his home, he insists on you being in his presence, usually physically touching, so you won't really get an opportunity while he's just in another room or something because you can't get any privacy to begin with. When you're in public, he's incredibly watchful over your every move and incredibly clingy then as well, so don't expect such a chance to arrive either.

Thus, your best bet is to try when you're under the watch of guards, whenever he's gone for whatever reason. They've been instructed to watch you from a distance, you see, he doesn't want them interacting with you directly, so you'll have a few chances here or there where they get distracted or their backs are turned. There will likely eventually also be a time where there's a scheduling error, you end up unsupervised! However, physically getting out of the estate is still difficult. There's still posted guards everywhere. So all in all, it's fairly difficult, especially in broad daylight, the only time he's not with you.

When you're inevitably dragged back kicking and screaming by some poor guards that aren't getting paid enough to deal with this, after getting back and hearing the report he deals with it in that unnerving saccharine way of feigning ignorance to try and get a reaction. Now, he knows you weren't trying to get out... right? Surely you got distracted by a bird or something, right? That's the only reason why you'd ever try to leave, right? It's obvious he knows better, and is just fucking with your head, but it's best not to lie. What he wants is an admittance of guilt and an apology, preferably down on the floor begging for forgiveness.

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

Moderate, leaning towards difficult. He's perceptive, and intelligent, but that intelligence is largely a sort of book-smarts type of intelligence. He's generally crafty and a prankster himself, so pulling things over on him is difficult because he's familiar with the mindset and methods of doing so, but he can be tricked if you put on a believable enough act. Basically, a darling who is a good actor stands a much better chance.

However, he's ultimately a learner. You can get away with some tricks or plots once, but he won't fall for the same thing twice. Any sort of escape or deceit you've tried once, he'll make active efforts to guard against and prevent in the future.

Manipulation, though, you can forget it. He's way too proud and stubborn to be emotionally manipulated, in the end getting his way and what he wants takes priority over making you happy, so don't expect to be able to manipulate him based on the notion of something making you happier.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

Fairly lenient, actually. You get a lot of access so long as your behavior is good, so really it's wise to be on your best behavior in the long term of things. He can get you anything you want, especially reading material. And you actually get to go outside, yay! He's like my earlier Childe profile on that -- he likes to go on dates, and he's actually really enthusiastic about it! He's big on date planning, wanting to see everything there is to see and do everything there is to do together. The rules are that you just need to be physically attached to him in some way -- you can hold his hand, grab at his sleeves, or he can do so to you (although he'd prefer you cling to him. He likes the image it projects to people around you). He actually gets really hyped about said dates whenever you plan them, he'll talk to you for hours plotting out all the things to do on this particular outing. At one point, his smile drops and his voice goes low and he tells you that, just a reminder, you know the rules for dates, right? ...Good.

Similarly, if you ask, he'll let you accompany him on more trivial outings as well, say if you'd like to go grocery shopping, and he certainly won't turn down a trip to the bookstore. The same rules apply, although he's a bit less excited for something so mundane.

One thing he won't do, surprisingly, is let you have anything to do with Guhua arts or skills. He won't teach you anything he knows nor let you learn, and if you were a follower of it before, he'll cut off your access to any material. His reasoning is that he just doesn't really think anything to do with combat suits you. You're better off learning more passive skills and hobbies.

In reality? He can't stand the thought of you ever being able to present a challenge to him in that sense. It would kill his ego if you ever managed to do something related to the Guhua arts better than he can, or even half as good as he can.

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

Well, to occupy your time, he has things that need cleaning you know... Honestly, he's messy, and he's already used to having maids, so he kinda treats you like one to some degree. Of course, he's active in his little heroism adventures, but when it comes to his own living spaces and such things he can be a bit lazy. So, he'll give you tasks to do sometimes, he likes the power rush too that he gets from ordering you around a bit. It soothes the ego.

Outside of your strolls together, you can't be going outside (and you don't get to choose when you do go on your little walks and dates, he does, although he may grant you the wishes of your begging). Also, don't actually try to talk to the guards. They're there to watch you, nothing more, so pay them no mind, and by no means should you ever have a reason to make conversation with them. If there's an emergency or something you need, you may inform them and get help, nothing more. And really, they're more afraid of this rule than you are -- you'll have difficulty finding one even willing to talk to you, they all take the warnings they've been given very seriously.

He eventually gets nitpicky and makes all sorts of little behavioral rules, it's incredibly obnoxious. But honestly, suffering his bratty tantrums is enough of a punishment, even if he didn't usually follow it up with actual punishment, which, for him, tends to be something perverted in some way.

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

He actually gets jealous rather easily, often over people who are no real threat. You can never be too nice to anyone -- even after he introduces you to his father and older brother, he expects you to be happy to meet them... but not that much. If you show too much excitement or happiness over any other being, he gets pouty, especially other men, but also your friends, male or female, family, even animals. His first reaction isn't to kill, rather, just an increase in isolation. Drag you back home and make sure you get a lot of time to yourselves, seeks reassurance that you really love him. If it's his own family, he might get grouchy towards them, snap at them a bit, bitterly drag you back off to your own room, where he'll then proceed to get equally grouchy towards you until you have given him enough reassurance he deems sufficient. In his own time, when you're not around, he makes sure to make it perfectly clear to those around him that they aren't to get in between you two.

He's one of the better yans to have in this regard, though, because he's unlikely to resort to killing anyone. He's got too much of his self-image invested in the idea of morals and justice to be able to do so, he can't delude himself into believing it's right or acceptable. It's not impossible to push him to that point, but it wouldn't just be someone you show any positive reception towards -- if Xingqiu did end up killing a rival, it would have to be one for whom you have very blatantly made clear you have actual romantic and sexual affection, someone who poses a genuine, real threat.

Xingqiu is a sort of open book when it comes to jealousy -- it's obvious to everyone around you that he's mad at someone else for even looking at you, and he doesn't try to hide it. It makes him that much angrier if someone doesn't obey his silent demand to stop interacting with you, doesn't seem fazed by his glares and coldness. He'll meet with them privately and make things clear verbally, since he tells himself maybe they're just dense and too stupid to understand. But they only get one more chance. Cross him twice, and they'll likely find themselves in financial ruin after pulling some strings through the connections of his father and brother.

What would make him significantly more likely to kill someone is someone who poses a legal threat, someone who catches on to what's going on and threatens to get him in serious trouble for it. Even if he tried bribing them, well, they'd likely just pretend to accept, and someone so bold likely wouldn't bow to threats.

This is where he can slip into the mindset of a delusional yandere. He once again projects the image in his head, that knight he wants to be for you, and hey, sometimes to save the princess, the heroes in his martial arts epics have to get their hands dirty, have to unfortunately get blood on their hands for the sake of the greater good. And hey, then it's usually called character development. Most of his fictional heroes tend to have killed at least one person in a sort of epic battle to defend something precious to them. This is no different. Of course, ambushing an unarmed person and running them through hardly counts as an epic battle, but he doesn't really take that part into account.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

Again, a bit of a spoiled brat at times. He's pouty, gives you the cold shoulder, yet dramatically inserts himself in front of you and whatever you're occupied with so you can't do anything. Basically he's forcing you to acknowledge his pouting and ask him what's wrong so that he can pull the "oh, nothing" until you ask again, and maybe he'll eventually bitterly, passive-aggressively make it clear what you did wrong. The bright side is he's easily soothed - an apology and some groveling will fix his attitude pretty quickly, although he'll have an infuriating air of superiority about it all, telling you he's glad you were able to understand what you did and have, hopefully, learned to correct the behavior in the future.

Worse offenses, things that make him genuinely and truly infuriated, are significantly worse, but rather uncharacteristically for him, he's quiet. And that's what's do frightening about it - for once you almost wish he would blabber or complain or whine like you're so used to, but his fury is dead silent. He moves without speaking, harsh motions that will either shove or tug you to wherever he's trying to maneuver you, and he shows how he feels through actions rather than words - he slams doors and objects, stomps, everything about his body language is frightening enough to make you stiffen and jolt.

Thankfully, Xingqiu is a milder yandere when it comes to severity of things he'll do to you in moments of anger -- he's one that can control himself well enough not to severely hurt you, break bones or anything like that. When it comes to his flashes of anger, at worst he might slap you in his tantrums, but he has at least enough self-control and empathy for you to manage better than a lot of yanderes.

So they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

Below. It's mostly that he thinks rather highly of himself - he's an important person you know. He saves people, he goes around doing his little vigilante thing, and he's not afraid to flaunt sometimes.

If you happen to also be from a rich family, you can earn a little bit more respect from him, you're cultured and sophisticated. If you're intelligent, you can get some validity in his mind as well. He'll still consider himself more intelligent and higher status, something you'd be mindful to remember, but he'll begrudgingly acknowledge it.

A commoner darling, though? God forbid an airheaded one? Forget about getting any respect - you're more like... A cute little puppy to him. Dumb and loud and clumsy, but nonetheless very cute and loveable. You were just... Made to be something of an accessory to him. And he loves and values you, you mean the world to him really, but that's all the more reason why you should accept your place as such.

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

It drives him up the wall. You know, his father could arrange his marriage to a ton of young rich daughters in Liyue who would be more than happy about it, but he can't get the attention of ONE girl he likes? It's infuriating. And it makes him all the more insistent to have specifically you.

For Xingqiu, it's a mix of both desperation and a pride thing as well. One one hand he desperately does truly want his feelings to be returned, he wants you to love him, he wants the fantasy he has in his head of you two having a long, happy future together. On the other hand, rejection is also a mark on his pride, and that irritates him beyond comprehension.

So don't expect him to ever give up, really. Unlike a lot of loving yans though, he doesn't blame himself, he directs the rejection hurt outward - maybe you're just so spoiled yourself that nothing is good enough for you. Maybe you're just playing hard to get. Maybe you just think constantly turning him down is funny, it's amusing to you, and, well, he doesn't take lightly to you trying to play games with him. So while he'll continue to try and earn your love, don't be surprised if it results in an irritated mood swing every now and then.

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

A lack of desire/hesitancy to resort to violence or more morally wayward methods. He stakes a lot of his pride and self-image on being a chivalrous, upright, just person, someone who should exemplify right and punish wrong, and unfortunately for him he's not a delusional and can't convince himself that he's doing the right thing. He wants to be a gentleman, your knight in shining armor, the storybook hero he projects in his head that always comes to save his princess, who in turn is receptive and showers him in praise and affection and gratitude. You're the problem, you see, you're not following through on your role in all this.

As such, he really, really hates having to dirty his hands in any way, or do anything that he knows is wrong and will consequently drag him into guilt. Not that he can't be driven to it, because he certainly can, but if it reaches that point, that means you didn't cooperate with him to begin with, which would have made things so much easier, so he'll definitely rid himself of that guilt by redirecting the blame to you, or deluding himself into some bizarre justification.

Another thing... his family's compliance. Honestly? His dad is far too busy and far too done with Xingqiu's shit to expect any help from him. His son tends to be picky, whiny, and demanding -- now that you're here, he's finally satiated, finally actually paying attention to the important matters his father wants him to be involved with, finally not causing nearly as much trouble now that you're around. You can bet he's more than happy to put in some extra funds and personnel to restrain some random commoner, so long as his son is satisfied. His brother doesn't really agree with it all, but his brother wants this and his father is supporting it, so... his hands are tied. He turns a blind eye. And the staff, the servants? They're getting paid far too much to care, and besides, the family is incredibly influential -- should they get fired, it could smear their reputation. It’s kinda really discouraging, being surrounded by so many people, but none of them willing to help you.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Bounces back and forth. On one hand, he wants to maintain, again, a gentlemanly and sophisticated image, and in his mind, such people don't normally think about such things, don't behave in lewd or degenerate ways. On the other hand, he's a nasty little perv that secretly sinks to the absolute depths of depravity. There's not much he can't get off to. If his poor brother hadn't been so busy being concerned about the martial arts books under his bed, and had dug further, he would have found that those books are actually just a cover-up for a different set of nasty, gross materials he's spent years accumulating -- some of the most vulgar smut you've ever seen, stuff you question how he ever even got ahold of. Surely the book house wouldn't sell this kind of material... it's honestly a mystery how he manages to get so much.

With his first few interactions, he tends to display the former image, but the more time he spends with anyone, the more that inner little pervert side tends to come out. He's definitely one to get touchy, his light grazing little touches become firmer and more daring, his hands always rest just at a point that's right on the boundary of being inappropriate. Sometimes he'll straight-up grope you and pass it off as teasing. He's also like Kaeya in that he intentionally tries to embarrass you by making your mind go to lewd places, making obvious innuendos and euphemisms, then pretending like he doesn't know why you're looking at him like that... oh, is that what you thought he meant? Wow, you must have such a dirty mind, you little pervert.

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

Something like rape is barbaric! Of course he would never, eeeeever do something so awful, so unbecoming of someone like him. And he really never will. He's another yan that will simply... Secure your consent by whatever means necessary.

In the end he'll most likely guilt trip and gaslight his way into it. I mean, you're staying with him for free, he took you in, he feeds you and clothes you and you can't show one little bit of gratitude? He treats you like a wife and you can't fulfil your end of that role? Don't be selfish. He loves you so much... He'd do anything for you... don't you want him to be happy too?

He'll try different approaches. If seduction doesn't work off the bat, he'll try gaslighting, if that doesn't work, he'll try guilt tripping, if that doesn't work, he'll make up a bizarre lie - he has to have sex or he'll die, somehow! You get the idea. If you really, really, really push it, he may just resort to a vague threat of sorts - nothing too bad or deadly, but hey, it would sure be a shame if this recent market crash affected your family financially... Not that he knows anyone who has power over the local commerce or anything.

With a more timid, soft darling, you're likely to end up essentially... Dubcon'ed. Half-noncon'ed. He just kinda... Slowly goes for it, and at your protests insists no, it's ok, you'll feel good... And a timid darling too afraid to stop him doesn't exactly fight back or resist, so hey, silence is a green light.

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

Experimentation

As I've said, he's a nasty little perv deep down, and he can get off to, well, a LOT of things. And he loves to try new things out, no matter how weird it may be. He's one you can get into a lot of things involving toys and objects, or physical forms of things applied to the body (think temperature play, hot wax, nipple clamps -- anything that has to do with objects being used on you). Part of the fun of it all is having something new that he's never tried before! Even if it turns out to not be his favorite thing, he'll still enjoy the trying it out, and those things he DOES find himself liking, well, he'll just have to add them to the little mental list of favorites.

And he, honestly, enjoys the little reactions you often have to the notions of this or that -- the shock and sudden fear on your face when he tells you today you'll do this or that, and how you shake your cute little head so rapidly. It's not that bad, he promises, and he's done a lot of research and reading to be sure he does things correctly, so no worries!

Body writing

It's kinda comical because you can't make out a word. With his canonically horrendous handwriting, but fondness for the act of writing, it makes for what essentially looks to you like abstract art on your body -- but just know it's the lewdest, most degrading shit you can think of that he'll get all over your thighs and stomach, marking you as his. If nothing else, he gets off to it, and based on the little things he whispers in your ear, you know it's the same sort of humiliating things. If he takes his time, he can write better, but he gets caught up in the heat of the moment.

Lingerie

He's a fan of lacey, frilly things. And he will definitely invest in as many as he can buy, ornate and intricate things, stockings for your legs that have pretty lace patterns at the top of the thigh, bras and panties that are somehow both lacey and perfectly see-through. He's also a big fan of things that have holes in them for easy access, so you can wear it the whole time. And, if he's feeling meaner, he'll definitely have you walk around in just that for a while -- not out where anyone else in the estate could see you, of course, but in his room with him.

Master/slave

He's not a sadist per se, and doesn't really put you in pain, but he loves your submission. And no better way to exemplify submission than with service. The little bastard already makes you act like a maid outside of bed, but now he likes it even more -- there's a certain rush of power to laying out a command and seeing you follow it. Not to mention the cute look on your warm face as you follow though with the degrading shit. Oh, and you'd better believe he gets humiliating. It's not necessarily degrading in the sense that he says or makes you say bad things about yourself, but rather, just the commands themselves, getting on your hands and knees and crawling over to him, and demanding you slowly strip down. Make it cute, give him a show, you know? He won't be cruel in the things he says about you, yet your pride is still wrecked by the end of it all.

Voyeurism/masturbation instruction

He loves to watch you get off, honestly. It ties into the slave thing to a degree, making you follow every little command, telling you exactly how to touch yourself and move your hands. He'll sigh and tell you no, you're going to fast, you can't do it that fast yet... and if you get too overexcited, he'll just have to make you stop, since you can't seem to listen, and maybe not get to cum until tomorrow, so you can learn to behave better about it next time.

Fluids/Cumplay

He has something of a fixation with all kinds. He loves seeing the trail of saliva from your mouth when you pull off his dick, the way cum drips out of you and runs down your thighs. He also likes seeing it splattered across your face, your chest, in your hair, something about the sight of it nearly has him hard immediately after and ready to go. But he also likes how it will gross you out, leaving you tied up so that you can't wipe it off, are forced to just stay there with it dripping out of your holes and down your skin in a way that makes you shiver. And, really, he loves your fluids too, sweet salty slick that's just so mesmerizing to watch coat his fingers and face. But his favorite thing, probably has to be running his fingers through your own juices and slick, collecting it on his fingers, holding it up to your mouth and telling you to suck them clean. Somehow, it's even hotter when you're licking your own fluids off of his fingers, although you doing so with his is certainly nice too.

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

He’d like an heir one day. He's one to want a kid, maybe two, but not a whole lot. Just enough to have a proper family structure, much like the family he was raised in. It's the proper thing to do, he thinks, a natural part of the social order and continuation of a legacy. As a natural extension of his spoiled brat tendencies, he often doesn't think very responsibly in regards to preventing children, so, lucky for him, that ideal will likely come to fruition eventually, if physically possible.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

Absolutely uses overstimulation. Whatever sorts of toys exist in Teyvat, he's rich enough that he can easily obtain them - little things he can attach to you and leave buzzing, or thick plugs and internal toys to stuff you full and leave you there to suffer in stimulation and stretching for hours on end. And he doesn't leave you alone, no, he stays close by, leaving you tied up and blindfolded, the occasionally lazy checkup of "oh, how are you holding up over there? I almost totally forgot you were there!" in a mocking tone while he goes about reading his books or practicing or jerking off to the sight.

Also ruined orgasms. Ugh, he's the worst. Gets you right to your peak, likely also after hours of edging, and then just... stops. Right as you reach the high, stops all motion, leaves you whimpering and sobbing, it's literally painful to actually reach it, and then still have that orgasm taken from you. And he'll be sure to remind you that if you were good, you could experience it in full, he could make you feel so good and let you ride out that high... but so long as you insist on being such a stubborn little princess, unfortunately, he can't just give you that. He hates this too, you know, he says. He'd love nothing more than to share pleasure, but you insist on being difficult.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

Legs and thighs. He likes the aesthetics of legs, the softness, the way the flesh feels in his hands. The way touching them can make you jolt, the sensitivity, the way they leave little marks so perfectly if he sucks and bites at the skin. It's just really pretty.

[hadit93]

Tests of Faith.

Sometimes I ask deities, my HGA, spirits what should I do about x? Sometimes I get a brief flash of clarity, sometimes I get a sensation but no definite response, and sometimes I get nothing at all. All of these are okay, all are different levels of communication, and all can be interpreted in different ways.

More often than not if I receive no answer at the time of asking, the reply comes later on. Sometimes during the day, an isolated sentence from a passing stranger, an omen, something that stands out from the usual perceived order of the world and slaps me in the face like “Look at me, I’m part of the chaos!”. More often than not though the answer comes during dreams, sometimes to reaffirm the omens I see in the day, or simply on their own. These dreams aren’t like my usual every day dreams. They are vivid, the detail is so much that even the minutiae are clear.

However, sometimes the instructions, no matter how clear, seem impossible to carry out. Sometimes they make me uncomfortable. Sometimes they challenge my beliefs and my feelings. Sometimes they seem like the absolute worst thing I could possibly do in that given situation.

So I usually do further divination, further asking, and I debate whether or not it is a good idea. Almost every time the divination and further work confirm the earlier work, but it does not remove the feeling in the pit of my stomach which is a devil that goes by the name of ‘fear’.

It is this devil that can prevent you from leaving a toxic work environment, it is this devil that prevent you from leaving a relationship that just isn’t working. It is this devil that can prevent you from exploring a path simply because you are currently further along another. It is this devil that restricts the Will. Now there is another being, lets say an Angel, that causes fear. This fear stops you from jumping off bridges into pools of sharks, running in the middle of the road, challenging a professional boxer to a fight. That is a different kind of fear altogether. One fear prevents growth, the other protects us to ensure it.

Where am I going with all this? Sometimes you have to have faith. Faith that your deities, your spirits have your back. Faith in your divination. Faith in yourself. The path of the magical worker is not for the faint hearted or those who seek solace in stasis and safety. It is dynamic and ever-changing. It is through faith in ourselves, our work, and our spirits that we can truly weave magic into our lives.

I’m not saying you should jump every time a spirit commands it. But if it is a spirit you trust, who has proven themselves to you and whom you have a positive working relationship is, it is probably working in your best interest. No matter how scary life changes can seem, they are usually always positive in the long run. Sometimes you have to turn your lemonade back into lemons before you can make a fresh batch of lemonade even more refreshing than the last.

Have faith. Keep calm. Carry on.

[hes-writer]

Confessions: A ‘Favourite’ Extra

Summary: beatrice graduates and dad!harry is not invited

Warnings: angst!

Word Count: 3305 words

A/N: this is part of the ‘Favourite’ universe :D this scene takes place sometime between the first and second part! please read them before reading this.

Part One | Part Two

_____

Graduation.

Through Beatrice’s 18-years of living, she did not think that the celebration of liberation would be so sour. The day started off like any normal day. That is, except, she did not have to deliberately avoid the areas of the house that her dad, Harry, was in. It was strange that she had to feel uncomfortable in her own home.

For this special event, Beatrice had initially bought only three tickets for Ruby, Caleb and her mum, Y/N. Her dad had a packed schedule of promoting his newest album anyway so Beatrice thought that it wouldn’t even matter. She didn’t think he would want to come anyway. If Beatrice knew anything about her father is that he never really cared much about what went on in her life.

Beatrice supposes that it was okay. She had a whole lifetime to get used to it. A full lifestyle living on the edge because she didn’t know when her dad would clap-back with an insult for no reason. However, it didn’t mean that the spike in pain hurt any less. Don’t get her wrong; she was grateful for Y/N being around and involved. But Beatrice sometimes wondered how it would feel like to be wrapped in a fatherly embrace or be guided with wisdom and courage.

She really couldn’t remember the last time Harry did anything that made Beatrice feel like his daughter. Aside from the family photos they took on during the holidays or when celebrating whatever work achievement he managed to snag--that was the only time where Beatrice would feel Harry’s hand resting on her shoulder.

___

“Can I get one?” Ruby asked, tugging on the coloured strings of Beatrice’s cap. Her small body was being held by her older sister while Y/N took photos of the three siblings.

“Caleb, put your phone away please,” Y/N requested, shaking her head at the way the young boy groaned. Nonetheless, he followed the instruction.

"You’re lucky I love you or I would not have shown up,” Caleb grumbled, offering a sweet smile afterwards to suggest that he was joking. The three siblings posed for the camera, Beatrice trying hard not to let Ruby tilt her square cap.

Between a plastered smile, Beatrice replied, “Probably why dad isn’t here,”

Caleb widened his eyes significantly. Though, it seemed conspicuous to Y/N who was busy figuring out how to brighten the screen.

“That’s not true, sissy. He’s just busy,”

Beatrice chuckled, shrugging off the comforting hand of her younger brother, “Always busy but never when one of you have something going on,”

“It’s just a coincidence,”

“Yeah, sure,”

Caleb frowned at her response, focusing her attention on Ruby’s babbles. He almost spilled the surprise that their dad was going to watch Beatrice cross the stage. Caleb knew how his sisters felt about Harry and he hoped that his appearance would help patch things up between them.

Caleb walked over to Y/N, “Are you sure that Dad’s coming?”

Y/N nodded, “Yes, he said he’s looking for parking now,”

Caleb bit his lip nervously, “Do you think she’ll be surprised?”

——

“Graduate with honours, Beatrice Y/LN,”

Applause filled the venue as Beatrice walked up the steep steps of the stage. A shy smile was placed on her lips when she caught sight of the projector screen showcasing her achievements for her senior year.

In the audience, both Harry and Y/N were confused as to why Beatrice used her mother's name to be announced. The cinch in Y/N’s brow smoothed out when the principal continued speaking. Harry, however, couldn’t help the questioning frown.

“Top Chemistry. Top Biology. Overall Best Science Student. Gold Volunteer Badge. Level 4 Music Theory. Beatrice has been excelling both academically and musically while serving the community,”

Beatrice squinted at the bright lights, placing her diploma and speech on the podium. She had never been good at public speaking. However, her announced name gave Beatrice newfound confidence. It’s just her. All her achievements wouldn’t be credited to her father just because he was Harry Styles.

“Hi, uh,” She cleared her throat, “I’m Beatrice Y/LN and I’m very honoured to be standing in front of you today,”

Her speech was short and to the point; thanking her fellow classmates even though there were very few to thank personally. There were a few jokes in between and some nostalgic memories about various school events throughout the year. Beatrice mentioned remarks to her teachers who helped her achieve high grades. Lastly, she thanked her family for supporting  her

“I’d like to thank my family. My brother, Caleb. My sister, Ruby and my Mum. You guys have been so wonderful to me and I hope that I made you proud,”

Y/N was tearing up with a hand clasped over her mouth. She could not believe that her oldest daughter was off to university in a few weeks. Beatrice’s work ethic was unmatched and it showed in her getting the recognition that she deserved.

There was a pregnant pause before applause filled the space again. Despite switching her name last minute, everyone in her school knew that Beatrice was a Styles kid. They were probably waiting for her to mention him in her speech. But Beatrice felt no need to mention the man that had done nothing for her. He wasn’t even here.

“Thank you and congratulations, everyone!”

Harry slumped lower in his seat. He could feel Y/N’s worried eyes and Caleb’s observant gaze inspecting his face.

____

Beatrice stood beside her family, watching Harry a few metres away who was currently busy attending to the fans that recognized him. Even with his graying hair, many parents greeted him with a reminiscing statement about how they ‘saw him in concert back in the day’, to which he would chuckle at and proceed to converse for a few minutes until their child--Beatrice’s age--tugged them away.

All that Beatrice wanted to do was to get home and interact with her online friends. She had mentioned that she was graduating today and they were all very proud of her. Beatrice would rather take the peace and quiet of her own room than a bustling party.

“You’re invited,” Emma, a popular girl, stated while handing her a piece of paper with all the details of the party. Beatrice mumbled a hushed ‘thanks’, despite knowing that she wouldn’t even attend it in the first place.

“Are you going, Tris?” Y/N asked, holding Ruby’s hand so the youngest child would not get lost in the crowd.

Beatrice shook her head ‘no’, explaining that there was no point.

“I don’t know anyone there anyway,”

She was kind of a loner, but Beatrice was happier by herself anyways. “Besides, I don’t think dad will agree. It’s way past curfew,”

Y/N nodded in understanding. The curfew set for their eldest child was at nine in the evening. Y/N was sure that Harry would be lenient to let Beatrice go; it was her graduation after all. Sooner or later, Beatrice would be leaving for university.

____

Beatrice should be grateful. She should be happy, yet somehow those emotions were non-existent to her brain right now. She should be smiling, eyes brimming with tears because her dad actually cared to throw a party for her. But all she could feel right now was a pure disappointment and agonizing anger because Beatrice knows that he was trying to make up for years of mistreatment.

At this moment, the rowdiness of the party only proved that Harry really did not know anything about Beatrice. She did not know over half the people here, aside from the few relatives they see during the holidays; her grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. The rest were recognizable from Harry’s industry. Beatrice swore she saw Lizzo sipping a cup of liquor in their kitchen.

Aside from the initial greeting of ‘congratulations’, paired with the large banister taped on the foyer of the house, this party wasn’t much of a celebration based on Beatrice’s milestone in life. If anything, it looked like a regular get together for celebrities and industry people. Frankly, she had no interest in interacting with them. As rude as it may sound, the swirling turmoil of emotions beginning from her stomach made Beatrice push past the packed crowd with a tight-lipped smile in order to get to her room.

She felt like she couldn’t breathe, especially knowing that these people in her house absolutely adored Harry. They saw him as a family man, loved and appreciated by his kids. It wasn’t a complete lie, per se. Beatrice just didn’t have much experience to confirm that he was, in fact, a lovable and caring person.

If she had to put a finger on it, Beatrice was feeling utter disgust. She was disgusted because Harry was the perfect person in their eyes when everything he had shown her was that she was someone that didn’t deserve any of his attention. It felt like this was a celebration of her dad’s façade--he was not actually proud of her. He was just making it seem like he is so he wouldn’t be perceived as the dead-beat dad.

A knock at her door sounded. It was almost as if Beatrice could sense her dad’s presence without turning around to look at who just entered the privacy of her room.

“Tris?” Harry whispered, hesitating on mumbling the nickname. He had never done it willingly before, much less not as bitter as the previous times.

Beatrice swore that she could practically see the venom slithering on his tongue every time he said her name. But maybe that was just her skewed perception.

The chair that she was sitting on creaked as she shifted her weight, leaning her elbows on her desk.

“Why did you even throw a party, dad?”

It was merely a genuine question that held so many underlying meanings. Why now? Why not earlier when there was still hope to fix whatever sort of broken and fucked up relationship they had with each other?

Harry fully stepped into the room, observing the walls decorated with art and artists whom he recognized were his friends. He didn’t realize that she was a fan of Florence Pugh.

He cleared his throat with a fist to his mouth, “I wanted to celebrate your graduation,”

Beatrice internally rolled her eyes, “Did you really? Because you haven’t been there when I needed your help with my homework or assignments or anything. Now,  suddenly you want to act like you were a big part of how I achieved my accomplishments?”

It was a sour realization. It was accurate that Harry refused to help her with schoolwork. He swore that he was busy looking over new options for his upcoming projects. Retrospectively, he might have subconsciously spewed out excuses so that he wouldn’t be able to help his dear daughter.

Beatrice sighed, flattening the balls of her palms against the edge of the sleek wood, pushing the rolling wheels of the chair back. She stood up.

“Just admit it. You threw the party because you felt guilty and you think that somehow, everything will magically be okay between us?” Beatrice shot him a questioning look, chest-puffing when Harry’s lack of words confirmed her theory.

Beatrice propped her feet in the middle of her room, twisting her body so that her back was facing away from the closed-door; from him. She breathed heavily through her nose, lungs rising up and down as she gathered her thoughts.

Unbelievable.

Harry stood with his arms by his sides, staring at his daughter with curious compassion. He did not know what to say, nor did he know how to act because he didn’t take the time to get to know her. He didn’t spend time with Beatrice; nurturing, caring, calming or comforting her because he simply couldn't get over the fact that she was once a person that caused calamity in his life.

“Tris,” Her dad spoke, earning a pinch of her facial expression from the familiarity of the nickname. Yet, it was unfamiliar because Harry used it mundanely.

Beatrice cut him off, “I’ll be leaving for university in a few weeks. You can quit pretending like you care. You say this graduation party is for me but I don’t even know most of the people here!”

The volume of her voice reached a threshold that should warn both of them to keep quiet. However, Beatrice knew that with the hustle and bustle of the celebration going on downstairs—no one would hear her honesty except for her and Harry.

Harry blinked twice, mouth dropping slightly agape. Why did he throw this party? He knew his intentions; he was proud of his daughter. He wanted to show her off to everyone he knew about how intelligent and well-rounded Beatrice was.

The girl continued speaking as if reading Harry’s train of thought.

“This is for you,” She spoke bitterly as if her tongue was left with an odd taste in her mouth. “Showing off a ‘trophy’ daughter who graduated with honours but that doesn’t matter, does it? Nothing I ever do will match what you’ve done.”

The accompanying laugh—albeit, sarcastic— left Harry confused.

“What? No, this is for you. I’m proud of you,” Harry quickly disagreed with Beatrice, gesturing his large hands in a wave to emphasize his words.

She turned around with gentle disbelief; her features were hardened yet Beatrice’s eyes gleamed with hope. She wanted so badly to believe her dad, but his lack of attentiveness to her led Beatrice to roll her eyes at him instead.

“Cut the crap, Dad,”

“Language,” Harry added, pursing his lips when Beatrice scoffed.

“I can’t believe this,” Beatrice muttered, she stared at the ground as if picking out the words to say.

As bad as it sounded, she wanted to hurt her dad the way he did to her. Years of being treated like an unwanted child slowly built up inside of her and Beatrice wanted the pain to end.

“You wanted to be everything so bad that you forgot to be my Dad,”

“I am your dad, Tris,” Harry watched as she walked over to her desk. Fingers cascading the glass picture frame which held a still of their family.

“Don’t you think I know that?” Beatrice turned around, throwing the edged frame on her bed in a fit of anger.

Harry’s brows shot up to his forehead, watching his daughter’s eyes well up with tears.

“You are my dad but you’ve never been one to me! Why is that? Huh?” Beatrice pressed, crossing her arms and digging her fingernails on the skin of her bicep.

“I’m sorry that I took those opportunities away from you. You got movie deals, You had an album coming out. Tours, shows, money—you had everything and I ruined it, didn’t I? As you said, it would’ve been better if I wasn’t born,”

Harry was no stranger to not interrupting someone when they spoke. However, he couldn’t let Beatrice believe the words she spoke.

“Don’t say that! That’s not true,” He stuttered over his words, heart-shattering under the weight of Beatrice’s truthfulness. Sure, he had everything, but it didn’t mean that he was satisfied.

“But you thought about it right? You wondered how different it would be if I wasn’t born at the wrong time. Maybe you would’ve loved me more—like you do Caleb and Ruby,” Beatrice smiled sadly.

She was glad that at least her siblings would not have to experience the searing pain of being unappreciated. They did not deserve to be seen through like a ghost.

“Maybe you would’ve paid more attention to me. Maybe you would have cared that I was hurting every time you showed me nothing but disdain,”

Beatrice used her forearm to wipe away the tears beginning to soak her reddened cheeks. She sighed, plopping down at the foot of her bed, watching Harry look at her with an unreadable emotion on his face.

“You know, It’s not my responsibility to ask why,” Beatrice whispered. Though, she wondered what would have happened if she did question her dad why he looked at her as if she was a burden in his life.

Beatrice’s monologue crescendoed as utter pain cracked her voice every now and then. Her figure slouching as she truly experienced what it was like to let go of the turmoiled affliction soaring through her body.

“I’m your child! You’re the one who’s supposed to be looking out for me. You’re the one who’s supposed to show me what love is supposed to feel like. I’ve always wondered how you’d react if I came home with a boyfriend like all the movies and books talk about. But, all you’ve shown and made me feel was my first heartbreak when you’re supposed to be the one nursing me from it,”

At that point, Harry could not remain the eye contact he shared with his daughter, gazing down at the floorboard in shame.

“You were supposed to scare guys off because I’m your eldest daughter. You’re supposed to protect me from everything that could hurt me, even when it’s irrational because that is what Dads do,”

That same bitter laugh that pierced Harry’s ears earlier echoed again.

“But I guess you never really wanted to become one to begin with. Or maybe just not with me.”

Harry took a few steps back. Her words figuratively churned and twisted his gut. He caught his balance on the doorknob that moved feverishly under his weight. Sure, he didn’t want to be her dad at first. And he had many chances to fix a strained relationship, but he never took them. So really, he had no shield at denying the truth. He was simply a father who failed to be the dad to Beatrice.

“I-I do! I want to be--if you'd let me,” He hated the way his voice became weary.

Despite their differences, Beatrice and Harry both mutually hated the way his tone pinched. The way he had to plead and beg for his daughter’s forgiveness when it seemed to be too late. This could have been avoided if Harry took the chance to become the dad that Beatrice deserved to have. The dad that her siblings--Caleb and Ruby--saw and spent time with while Beatrice watched behind, wondering why she was never treated the way they did.

“For years, I wondered what was wrong with me. I listened to the music that you liked. I asked mum what you enjoyed doing because you never talk to me. I wanted you to see me as a daughter instead of this--this invisible speck that you shrug off your shoulder every time I needed you!” Beatrice cried out, hugging herself for comfort.

The worst part was that she could see Harry’s legs buckle in hesitation to come closer to her or not. He shouldn’t even have to think to comfort his daughter, but he did.

“I wanted you to like me as if I even have to do that in the first place! You’re my dad, don’t you get it? Because I didn’t. I spent so much time being the perfect child in hopes of you giving me an ounce of your attention aside from the face you put on when I walked into the room. Why did you have to treat me this way, huh?”

Tears spilled from her forest-green eyes, identical to Harry’s glazed ones. His mouth parted in retaliation. As if he was plopped in quicksand, Harry had no idea how to defend himself.

“I know that you didn’t want me in the first place but--,” Beatrice sniffled, wiping the salty liquid to her damp temples, “I just wished you treated me like I wasn’t a burden to you,”

_____

[ironwoman359]

You Don’t Own Me (You Don’t Even Know Me)

Chapter 4

Navigation: Ch.1, Ch.2, Ch.3, Ch.4, Ch.5, Ch.6

Summary:  As the son of a Baron, Roman Sanders always knew that when he married, it would be due to a political arrangement rather than true love. Still, when he is sent away to marry an older, more powerful Earl, he is determined to make the best of his situation. Despite the Earl’s indifference towards him, Roman forges ahead and prepares to become the best husband he can possibly be, making new friends along the way. But when his fiancé’s demeanor turns from cold to cruel, Roman must shift all of his focus to survival, and find a way out of his marriage before it’s too late.

Ships: Logince, side Moxiety and Dukeceit

Content Warnings (overall): arranged marriage, abuse, attempted sexual assault, murder, poisoning, character death, hurt/comfort, angst Chapter 4 Warnings: possessive behavior, verbal and physical abuse, angst, allusions to abuse and murder 

Word Count: 4067

Read on AO3: here!

A/N: Co-written with @5-falsehoods-phonated​, check out his masterlist here and check out mine here! 

---

“And when I tried to get down, Remus spooked the pony and it bolted, with me still clinging to the saddle for dear life.” 

Virgil snorted, then immediately brought his hand up to cover his smile. 

“You wound me!” Roman said dramatically, placing a hand on his chest. “Eight-year-old me was certain that his life was going to end, and you’re laughing?” 

“I can’t help that the mental image of you dangling off the saddle of a pony and screaming your head off is the funniest thing I’ve seen all week,” Virgil replied. 

“Be nice, Virgil!” Patton scolded, even as he fought back giggles of his own. “I’m sure it was very scary at the time!” 

“You’re telling me,” Roman agreed. “I wouldn’t set foot near the stables for a month.” 

“I can’t believe that after all that you somehow grew up to be a competent rider,” Virgil said. 

“Well, I probably wouldn’t have if it weren’t for my older brother Remy. He started taking me with him when he went out on his rides; I felt a lot safer riding double with him than I did by myself.”

“Your brothers sound wonderful,” Patton said, smiling. 

“Oh, they’re the absolute worst,” Roman said. “But also I love them more than anyone.” 

“I hope we’ll get to meet them at the wedding!” 

Roman’s smile went brittle around the edges, and he forced himself to nod. 

“I hope so too,” he said quietly. 

Patton’s brow wrinkled, and Roman knew that look, that was Patton’s “I’m worried about you” look, and as much as he had come to view Patton and Virgil as his friends, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to get into the whole “my twin brother ran away from home to escape noble life and I haven’t seen him in years and might never see him again” topic with them just yet. 

“Well this has been great,” Virgil cut in suddenly. “But it’s getting close to midday; I need to get back to work, and you need to get to your little lunch date.” 

“Excuse you, it is a perfectly professional business meeting!” Roman protested, and Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Sure it is. That’s why you meet with Logan every single day and always perk up or get this silly smile on your face whenever you mention something that he said, most of which has nothing to do with business.” 

Roman gave Virgil a deadpan look. “Do you really want me to retaliate right now?” he asked, glancing pointedly at Patton. 

Virgil’s cheeks flushed pink, and he waved Roman away. 

“Go on, then!” he said. “Go have your perfectly professional business meeting.” 

“I will!” Roman said primly, but as he stood to leave, he shot Virgil a grateful smile, and Virgil nodded in return. 

After parting with Patton at the house’s entrance, Roman made the short trek down to the library alone. He hadn’t been sure how he would manage living at the Howard Estate at first, but his life had settled into a predictable yet comfortable routine since the engagement banquet. 

Patton brought breakfast to his room every morning, and after Roman insisted several times that he preferred the company, Patton now stayed to eat with him most mornings. After breakfast, Roman changed into his riding clothes and the two headed down to the stables together, where Virgil was waiting for them with Angel. Roman took his morning ride, and Patton and Virgil did whatever it was they liked to do when they were alone together. 

When he returned, Roman helped Virgil groom Angel, and the three of them often fell into easy conversation with one another. At midday, Roman took his lunch in the library with Logan, and he spent the afternoons on his own, exploring the mansion or indulging in his creative hobbies. All in all, his days were mostly pleasant, until dinnertime, of course. 

His nightly dinner with Lord Howard was, to his disappointment, the most boring and uncomfortable part of Roman’s day. It became clear to Roman after a few attempts of engaging with his fiance that Lord Howard wasn’t even slightly interested in talking with him; what he wanted was somebody to talk at. Roman sat, night after night, and listened to the earl rant about frustrating business partners, idiotic city officials, and even tiny annoyances like a scuff on his boot or a fly in his office. It was difficult to not feel like an emotional punching bag, and Roman always left dinner exhausted from playing the polite, doting fiance that Lord Howard expected him to be. 

Roman stepped into the library, and smiled when he saw Logan sitting at a table beneath a window, the afternoon sun casting golden beams of light through his long hair.

At least there were more positives than negatives to living at this estate. 

“Ah, Roman,” Logan said, smiling as he approached. “Excellent timing, I was just beginning to review my weekly report for Lord Howard. Would you care to assist me?”

“Always,” Roman said, sitting down across from him. 

They poured over the receipts and summaries and work orders together, and Roman couldn’t help but marvel at the sheer amount of work that Logan did every single day. 

“Honestly, Logan, you do almost too much for the earl. Especially considering what he pays you.” 

Roman had seen the payroll receipts for all the staff, and he couldn’t help but be a little insulted on the servants’ behalf. One of the ways Lord Howard kept costs down was clearly at the expense of his staff. 

“While I may agree with your sentiment, the fact of the matter is that if I did not do all this, the estate would fall apart,” Logan said. “And regardless of any...personal feelings about his lordship, there are far too many people who depend on him and his estate for me to consider stopping.” 

Logan paused, frowning as he scanned a document, then sighed. 

“For instance, his lordship neglected to sign off on a shipment of new armor to the city guard, despite my reminding him to do so three times in the last week.” 

He scrawled something along the bottom of the document and set it aside, and Roman raised an eyebrow. 

“Was that Lord Howard’s name you just wrote?” 

Logan fiddled with his glasses, and he glanced around the room before answering. “This is...not the first time that his lordship has neglected his duties on what he perceives to be minor issues. I, uh...take the liberty of correcting such oversights for him.”

“You can forge his handwriting?” Roman translated, and Logan nodded sheepishly. “That’s amazing!” 

Logan blinked, looking up at Roman in clear surprise. “I...it is?” 

“Are you kidding me?” Roman exclaimed. “Of course it is...you’re so talented, Logan, really. I’m not exaggerating when I say you’re wasted as a secretary.” 

“Oh...well, thank you, Roman,” Logan said, his cheeks flushing slightly pink. “I must admit, you also have far more potential than his lordship would care to acknowledge.” 

“I’ll get him to see sense soon,” Roman insisted. “Then maybe together, we can make some real changes around here!” 

“I wish I shared your optimism,” Logan said with a sigh. “But I am glad to share your company, at least.”

It was Roman’s turn to blush, but before he could think of a reply, the sound of footsteps caught his attention, and he looked up to see Patton approaching their table. 

“Sorry for interrupting, Kiddos, but I’ve been asked to fetch Roman here and get him ready.” 

“Get me ready?” Roman asked, and Patton nodded. 

“His lordship requests your presence at a business meeting he has in an hour with other estate holders. I’ve been instructed to dress you for the event and bring you to his lordship.” 

Roman forced down the twinge of discomfort in the back of his mind at the earl choosing an outfit for him like he was some sort of doll, and grinned as he got to his feet. 

“You see, Logan?” he said. “This is our chance!”

“If it is a meeting with other nobility, then I’m afraid I won’t be present,” Logan said. “Lord Howard does not wish for...commoners to be present at such negotiations. He instructs me on what measures need to be taken afterwards.”  

“That’ll be the first thing we change then, once I make him see reason,” Roman said. “You’ll see, this is going to be the start of something great!” 

“I hope you are right,” Logan said with a small smile. “Good luck, Roman.” 

“Thank you, Logan,” Roman said as he followed Patton out of the library. 

I’ll certainly need it. 

--- --- ---

Roman fidgeted uncomfortably in his chair, shooting a glance over to the earl to make sure he hadn’t noticed. The silky fabric that his pants were made of stuck uncomfortably to his skin and made his legs itch horribly, but he had been in similar attire before and had had plenty of practice in the art of keeping his poise while screaming internally. Thankfully, even though he was seated right next to Lord Howard, he had yet to draw his attention. Howard had been too occupied bragging about his various business exports for most of the meeting to pay much attention to him. 

Even through his discomfort, Roman had been learning a lot about his fiance, dutifully keeping mental notes on everything he heard, from which parts of land he had inherited to which ones he had bought or negotiated into owning. Overseas businesses and local investments both let his power reach farther than one might first suspect, and all that put together was what kept the Howard Estate with its acres of land, sprawling mansion and extensive grounds and highly specialized staff all running smoothly. 

It was a lot to manage, so it made sense that Lord Howard had Logan figure out most of the work and only signed off on the most important things himself. Having someone as competent as Logan run things in the background so the true estate head could make the actual appearances as the business leader was a strategy many nobles used to keep their properties under control. 

Craning his neck to look up at his fiance from his lower seat, Roman furrowed his brow in thought. He wondered just how much Logan did that the earl never saw anything about until he reaped the benefits of it. Sure, Logan was extremely capable, but relying entirely on one person to manage everything seemed a bit foolhardy to Roman.

Tuning back into the conversation, Roman perked up as another lord gestured stiffly at a stack of documents in front of him, smooth calculation clear in his tone of voice. Negotiations were something Roman had always prided himself in handling, and handling well. He had often spoken circles around his own father in their practice debates, and it was rare that Roman participated in a discussion without gaining something in his own favor. 

As neither party at the moment looked particularly stressed, Roman figured with a slight twinge of disappointment that such measures shouldn’t be needed this time. He would have liked to show off just a bit and make Lord Howard see what a useful asset he could actually be in their marriage, but he supposed that could wait until a more appropriate opportunity.

“I have most of the influence in this field anyway. Signing your bit of land over to me now would cause fewer problems for you in the future; especially if I don’t have to take it by force when I’m looking to expand.”  Punctuating his statement with a firm tap to the papers, the opposing lord sat back with a satisfied smirk.

The icy glare Lord Howard fixed him with was enough to wipe the smirk fully off his face, however, and he tilted back slightly as the earl leaned forward to fold his hands smoothly in front of him. 

“I’m not in the habit of signing away what’s rightfully mine, Lord Rilken, Baron of Vilvik.”

Roman flinched slightly at the way he practically spat the other man’s title…a title he shared, and had never once felt insecure about until this very moment. The way he spoke to these men, these people in positions of power, like they were nothing but dirt to be brushed off his own much more impressive riches- it was enough to make Roman want to run all the way back to his own estate and beg for another way, plead to wait for someone else to ask for his hand or to find someone himself. He stiffened in his seat and shook the irrational thoughts away. 

No, this is how one played the game when negotiating important matters. Put up a cold and intimidating front until the other person backed down or bent to your own suggestions. If anything, Lord Howard's act was admirable; it almost immediately shut down any arguments, even if it hardly held any semblance of tact. Realizing this would be a good opportunity to show his skills, Roman leaned forward and placed his own hands on the table in front of him, gaining the attention of the opposing business owners quickly.

“It might prove advantageous to you both to simply form a partnership and share the land and business potential it holds. With as much power as the both of you hold over this branch, you’d be able to expand much faster and reap more benefits than you would if you spent all of your time attempting to take control over the others’ sections.” Pleased with himself, Roman glanced over to Lord Howard, expecting at least to have impressed him since he hadn’t really had the time to explain all that he had been trained in and what he could bring to the estate with their union. 

However, as he met Lord Howard’s eyes, ice ran through his veins. The earl was glaring, staring him down like a particularly resilient bug that he could hardly wait to smash beneath a steel-toed boot. The room went so quiet that Roman could swear that the other nobles were holding their breath, and glancing around in his peripherals, he saw everyone sitting around the table gawking at him as if he’d just committed high treason. Had he really said something so wrong? Was this not what was customary, nay, expected behavior of the soon to be co-owner of the estate? Shrinking down slightly as his ears burned red, he finally lowered his eyes as the earl turned away. Roman heard him take a deep breath before saying in a deliberately controlled voice:

“You must forgive my fiance, he hails from a country estate you see; he isn’t accustomed to the way things work here yet. If you would be so kind as to excuse us for just a moment so that I may explain a few things?” Not waiting for an answer, the earl stood and held out his hand for Roman to take. “If you would step into the hall with me, dearest?”

Recognizing the order under the request, Roman stood quickly and took Lord Howard’s hand, wincing at how tightly he was gripped and practically dragged out of the room. The door was opened just a bit too forcefully to calm his nerves in the slightest and he watched as Lord Howard seemed to barely refrain from slamming it back closed, instead closing it with deliberate calm before whirling around to face him and jerking his hand out of Roman’s to tower before him.

“Let me make this perfectly clear, you do not speak out of turn in these meetings. You do not speak above me or-”

“But I didn’t! I was only-” Roman didn’t register what the dull smacking sound echoing in his ears and making them ring was until pain bloomed and spread from his lower jaw to his entire cheek. Raising his hand to his face in disbelief, he felt a bit of wetness and looked to see blood on his fingertips. Fear and horror twisted in his gut as he realized one of Lord Howard’s rings must have caught on his cheek and opened a cut. His jaw ached and his teeth felt numb; the blow had been hard enough to rattle them in his skull. Romans looked up and flinched as he saw Howard’s hand still raised to strike should he choose to speak again, and he shrunk in on himself in an attempt to seem too small to expend more energy on.

“You,” The earl spat, “do not speak above me, or make suggestions on my behalf. You are not here to offer up useless opinions that were not asked for or needed. You were brought into that room to sit obediently and look pretty on my arm and that is the full extent that your role will ever be. Have I made myself clear?”

Roman hesitated for just a second too long, and Lord Howard reached down to grip his chin, tipping his head so he had no choice but to look his assailant directly in the eyes. “My dear, I believe I asked you a question, and I expect an answer.”

Biting back a whimper Roman nodded as much as he could with his face trapped in the steely grip. “Yes my lord, I understand perfectly. I apologize for overstepping, it won’t happen again.”

The answer, as demeaning as it had felt to say, seemed to appease the still seething man, and Howard dropped his chin and stepped back with a wolfish smile. 

“Very good, see to it that it doesn’t. Now, I believe we’ve been here long enough. If you’re done blubbering, you may join me.”

Startling a bit at the choice of phrasing, Roman hesitantly reached up to touch his face, wincing as he realized there was more than just blood on his cheeks. Taking a deep breath, he carefully wiped the tears away before plastering on a small smile and moving to stand just behind the earl. He was loath to go back into the room like this, humiliation and blood reddening his cheeks, but he didn’t dare speak up for fear of more punishment. As Lord Howard opened the door and moved back to his place at the head of the table, he hardly spared Roman another glance, and Roman had no choice but to meekly follow. 

Sitting down, Roman realized most of the people at the table were staring at him like one would a fresh kill, their expressions a mixture of pity and approval while they averted their eyes. Sinking down even lower as the meeting resumed, he realized this was to be the second part of his punishment. He was to learn and remember his role as Lord Howard’s betrothed and eventual husband. Sit still and look pretty, step a toe out of line and be punished, and make sure everyone in the room knew that the power held over him was just as absolute as the power the earl held over everything else. 

“I’m pleased to know some people still know how to keep common folk in line. Truly, the disrespect-” Roman’s ears rang as someone close by whispered to another just loud enough for him to overhear, making him want to sink down even lower and let the floor swallow him. 

The meeting continued on for what seemed like forever, but unlike before, Roman didn’t absorb a single word of what was said. The voices of the other lords washed over him as he sat as still as he could, hands clenched in his lap to keep them from trembling. When at last Lord Howard stood, Roman almost stood up next to him, but caught himself just in time and sent a questioning glance up at his fiance. 

Lord Howard’s lips curled into a smile, and he held his arm out to Roman in invitation. Roman swallowed down his revulsion and stood, slipping his arm into the earl’s and schooling his face into a pretty smile. Lord Howard covered Roman’s hand with his own, and Roman’s skin burned at the touch. 

“Well gentlemen, this concludes our discussion for the day, I do thank you all for coming.” 

One by one the nobles stood, nodding to Lord Howard as they filed out of the room. Roman’s cheeks heated as several of them swept their eyes over him as they passed, their gazes lingering on the bruise blooming on his face. When at last, every one of them was gone, Lord Howard turned his attention to Roman, all false pleasantries gone from his expression. 

“I trust that after today, any...confusion about your role here has been cleared up?” he asked, his voice low and dangerous. 

“Yes, my lord,” Roman whispered, and the earl smiled. 

“Good. Now go clean yourself up. Dinner is at seven o’clock sharp, and I expect you to look presentable.” 

“Yes, my lord,” Roman repeated, and as soon as Lord Howard dropped his arm, he practically bolted from the room. 

He hurried through the corridors of the mansion, head down and eyes stinging. When he finally reached his room, he all but slammed the door behind him, and collapsed to the floor, his shoulders shaking as he released the sob he’d been holding back for the past hour. 

He let himself cry, for how long, he wasn’t sure, not only for the sting on his cheek and the shame that came with it, but for every doubt, every grief, every pain that he’d pushed down and bottled up over the past month.  

After everything he’d been through, everything he’d sacrificed, was this really his fate? Chained forever to a man who only saw him as something to own, to display, to use... 

Roman lifted his head slowly. 

“Remember all that we've taught you, and you'll do fine." 

His father had taught him everything he knew about business, about politics, about matters of the state. He knew how to act with decorum, how to spot an opportunity, and how to charm a room while negotiating, all thanks to his father’s teachings. 

But now, with tears running down his face and a bruise blossoming on his cheek, he remembered another set of lessons. 

Lessons his mother had given him as a teenager, after time had run its course and he was no longer the slightly awkward, gangly kid he had once been. 

“You’ve grown into a handsome young man,” his mother had said to him on his eighteenth birthday. “Your father believes that when you are married, it will be purely for political reasons. You need to know that this may not be the case.” 

Roman had tried to forget the lessons his mother had passed down to him, had told himself that he would never need them...but here he was, sobbing on the floor, the first of what he knew would be many marks on his skin if he didn’t tread carefully. 

Roman learned everything he knew about running an estate from his father, but he learned everything about acting from his mother. Thanks to her, he knew how to conceal his emotions, how to smile when his stomach rolled over and how to sigh when his skin burned. He knew how to mold himself into the perfect husband, because if he did not let himself be molded he would find himself broken before it was too late. 

“Too late for what, mother?” the younger him had asked, eyes wide and horrified, and she’d smiled in a way he’d never seen before. 

“Did I ever tell you the story of how your grandfather died?” 

Roman knew what situations were most likely to result in “accidents,” what weapons were easily concealed and what poisons were difficult to detect. He knew how to pluck a nose hair to bring tears to his eyes and slap his cheeks so they appeared flushed. He knew how to appear calm and collected when he was suffering, and how to appear stricken with grief when all he felt was relief. 

He had been preparing for marriage his whole life...every kind of marriage. And now that he knew the kind of husband that Lord Howard really wanted, he knew exactly what kind of husband he was going to be. 

Even if he wouldn’t be one for very long. 

--- --- ---

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[aiyexayen]

So uh that essay about how Wei Ying takes after Yu Ziyuan? I am LISTENING

There were two things that really made me start to think about this, one was this tweet which says, "You know what we don't talk about? Wei Wuxian getting his cry-laughing from Madam Yu" and this incredible ChengXian video which sets their relationship to the tune of When Doves Cry and wrecks me every time I watch it (I just watched it now when I went to get the link and I'm whimpering).

As to the first matter:

seems fairly conclusive.

The second matter:

maybe I'm just like my father, too bold maybe you're just like my mother-- she's never satisfied

Was there this much meta thought put into one line of lyrics in a video set to When Doves Cry? Hard to say. There is now, though! Because dang, what a line. Essay under the cut.

There's a (valid) tendency to pull out the ways Jiang Cheng is more like his mother, and the ways Wei Wuxian is more like Jiang Fengmian, especially where their relationship is concerned.

Jiang Cheng wants proof of care through passion, through a willingness to fight. He will provoke and poke at things better left lying, with no shame and no regard to who else is around, dredge up old hurts and old grudges and old matters even if they're long buried or long forgiven, so long as he thinks it will get him the reaction he's looking for.

He wants Wei Wuxian to fix things by rising to the bait, rising to the challenge, giving him pushback when he says blatant lies, showing him that his shige still thinks he's worth it.

This is terribly unhealthy, of course, don't do this at home kids, but it's one of my core Jiang Cheng Truths.

Jiang Cheng shows that he cares in turn by being willing to fight, by pouring his emotion out even if those often end up as negative expressions. He's messy and unrestrained when he feels things, not all of which is from his mother--a lot of that is just Jiang Cheng--however, you can see the way he tries to rein in his emotions when he's embarrassed about caring or is trying to pretend that he doesn't care. Whether it's pretending to shrug off Wei Wuxian and walk away when they have a problem, or trying to rein in his temper at Lan Wangji on Dafan Mountain. Because from his mother, he's internalised the message that to engage in the fight is proof of care, so the opposite is also true.

And oh, when he hurts, he seeks to hurt back. That's very Yu Ziyuan of him.

Wei Wuxian, meanwhile, frequently defaults to calming and placating with Jiang Cheng. Not as much as Jiang Yanli does--but more on her, momentarily. We see Wei Wuxian complain at Jiang Cheng to not get riled up, tell him he's being stubborn and just to accept the peace offering, etc. The difference is that, at first, with Jiang Cheng, a lot of that is just general pouty childishness and Wei Ying-ing, general sibling shit.

Plus, he was still willing to fight/express himself fully. They fought a lot. He always ran after Jiang Cheng, always roped him into expressing himself, always let Jiang Cheng fight it out. He understood, at least intuitively, and he didn't back down. The benefits of having grown up together, and of being an older one/middle sibling in the dynamic.

But when things really started to break down between him and Jiang Cheng, when the conflict was much bigger, much more grown up, much more real, Wei Wuxian started modeling his behaviour even more on Jiang Fengmian in regards to Jiang Cheng, possibly seeing more of Yu-furen in Jiang Cheng and responding the way that felt natural.

(Also, a lot of his own guilt and depression/apathy/intent to die and assorted other issues came into play at roughly the same time.)

Thus, we see Wei Wuxian start to turn down Jiang Cheng more often, and back off. He shrugs it off or rejects it when Jiang Cheng reaches out, and he stops reaching out himself. He tries to placate Jiang Cheng, tries to defuse him, tries to send him away. Some of this is because he cares and is trying to show he cares by taking himself out of the situation; some because he's trying to maintain his lies; some because he just doesn't have the energy to deal with this anymore.

After Wei Wuxian is resurrected, by which point he's done what he perceives as the worst things to Jiang Cheng, this intensifies. Jiang Cheng provokes him beyond reason, lashes out, starts fights, sneers, and Wei Wuxian almost rises to the bait but he stops himself. He lets Jiang Cheng be angry and he shrinks himself down, he backs away, he disengages. A decent portion of this is Wei Wuxian himself, and his faulty perspective on the situation and on Jiang Cheng's anger and complexity of emotion and intent. Some of it is lingering relationship modeling off of Jiang-shushu and Yu-furen's relationship. Either way, he's definitely "being the Jiang Fengmian" in the situation.

Additionally, Wei Wuxian tries quite actively to model himself off of Jiang-shushu's good qualities, which is understandable given that this was his primary benevolent adult figure and liked him quite a lot. We see it in the way Wei Wuxian teaches, the way he instructs with archery, the fact he prioritises archery to begin with, the way he expresses kindness the way it was expressed to him, through encouragement or noticing people who are down and out. Things that Wei Wuxian, at least, attributes to Jiang Fengmian's character (I'm trying so hard not to make this a Jiang Fengmian salt post) even if a lot of that is just his own outlook on life at the end of the day.

But all of these kids were around both of these parental figures/people of authority. This is most clear in Jiang Yanli. We see the way she's become a mediator figure between her parents when they're upset with each other and understands them both.

She takes all the kind intent and patience and willingness to placate and calm from her father, and adds in the knowledge and understanding needed to actually use it interpersonally. She's more open with communication, can identify the heart of an issue, and effectively diffuse a lot of tension. She has middling success with this with regards to her parents, but a lot more success with her brothers. It helps her see eye to eye with Wei Wuxian, and share that spark of playfulness between them too. It helps her understand why Jiang Cheng says things the way he does, and what he means.

We also see Jiang Yanli reveal herself to be the steely, fiery daughter of Zi Zhizhu when someone attacks what is hers. She is just as much her mother's child.

So, too, Jiang Cheng is his father's son. I think this is true much more when he grows up and inherits the sect and has held it for some time in the wake of tragedy. We see evidence that he's become a well-regarded leader, and for all we see cool, flashing, calculating glares and bitten-back sneers, we see worried disciples fussing over his health. We see a mild manner that was learned, and an authority that has accrued with time, and a self-assuredness when dealing with his peers that seems more modeled off what we see of Jiang Fengmian than of Yu Ziyuan.

Jiang Cheng is a match for Zidian, through and through, but he is also steady and determined and bold, good at making and keeping allies, or else how could he have achieved the impossible in rebuilding his sect? He learned to take some of his mother, some of his father, find something left over of himself out of the wreckage of his life, and meld it all together.

That brings us to Wei Wuxian. I had, at the time of first seeing that tweet, showed it to a friend who said:

Are we gonna talk about how Wei Ying gets his cry-laugh from her? Are we gonna talk about how he learned that intense glare from her, too? Or his tendency to act swiftly and decisively even when it might not be the actual best course of action? Or his violent protectiveness of his siblings?

Inspired. And yes, we are.

Yu-furen was a figure of absolute strength in Wei Wuxian's life. Uncompromising, unyielding, impressive as hell. She had the capacity to inspire deep loyalty and was fiercely protective over things that were hers. Her son, her daughter, her family's reputation, her sect, her home, her disciple. (Yes, even Wei Wuxian was hers, too, she made quite the point about that.)

Wei Wuxian is very easygoing. But when he decides something is his, whether that's a duty or a person or whatever, it's his to protect, it's his to do anything for, even cause a scene, even start a war, even lose allies or his own life. It's one surefire way to get him to fight no matter what headspace he's in.

You can see Jiang Cheng realise/remember this in real time in the Ancestral Hall, when he can't get a rise out of Wei Wuxian by talking about himself and his family, and that stings, but he's desperate to get a rise out of him somehow, and immediately he sets in on Lan Wangji. And it fucking works. That's what gets Wei Wuxian to almost fight him. If he'd posed a real threat, and if a whole bunch of other complicated psychological shit wasn't part of the mix for everyone involved, there would absolutely have been a fight.

Wei Wuxian latched onto the Wens, yes, and they were his, too, but they weren't the only ones. Lotus Pier was his, as was Jiang Cheng. Yunmeng Shuangjie was not just a pipe dream, and Wei Wuxian's loyalty was not simply easy to sway. Yunmeng Jiang's strength, their reputation, their future, and Jiang Cheng's along with it were always on his mind.

He lied, and fought, and even left and took himself out of the picture to that end. For Jiang Cheng, and for his ability to carry on. In so many ways, Wei Wuxian absolutely took so much of his perspectives on that from Yu Ziyuan, for better or worse.

Uncompromising, unyielding, even when turned on himself. Never satisfied, always pushing for more, for answers, for solutions, for the right path, even in his own frequently easygoing and curious ways. Unhesitating, across the board. Even if it meant his own life, or his core.

There is nothing wrong with hesitating. Hesitating, worrying, being uncertain, trying to think first, trying to find the right path, and then being able to find it, or choose it anyway, is such an act of courage. That's a quality Jiang Cheng has in droves. He hesitated, when he saw the Wen soldiers coming for Wei Wuxian. And then he chose to sacrifice himself. For Wei Wuxian, there was no hesitation whatsoever. No forethought. No choice, really. Just go. I think that's very Yu Ziyuan of him.

I had to go digging to find that message my friend sent me, and I'll conclude with my response:

If we're going to talk about how Wei Wuxian is like Yu-furen, then we'll have to talk about how Yu-furen knew that. Or at least, the only parts that she ever had cause to see in him while she still lived. How he was hers even if he wasn't her son. How Fengmian's lazy favouritism was intolerable in this way, too, in the way it sowed discord where there didn't need to be any, and was a barrier between her and the things that should have been more fully hers. How the farewell at Lotus Pier was more of a betrayal than she intended. How she thought she and Wei Ying met over more even ground at that moment, because she knew he loved Jiang Cheng as much as she did, in the way she did. How she expected more from him than for him to give parts himself up in such a horrifying way. How she underestimated the actual damage that had been done. And if she'd survived to see it, she just might have been truly horrified.

[cosmicjoke]

Well, there’s a book and a half to say about chapter 55 and 56 of Attack on Titan!  I’ll focus on 56, because the whole interaction between Levi and Historia, and that entire scene, is just packed full of so many important details.

 The first thing I picked up on, again, is how Levi takes the time to thank Nifa for riding all night to deliver them Erwin’s instructions.  It seems like a small moment, but Levi ALWAYS does this, and I feel like it’s really important to point out.  He’s the one character who consistently makes the effort to show his appreciation and gratitude towards others for doing a good job, or giving their best effort.  Just telling someone thank you like that can make a world of difference to them, especially when you’re dealing with a world of such desperation and extremity as the world of AoT.  So I just thought that was an important moment to note.

Another big deal in this chapter, I think, was Levi’s further interaction with Dimo Reeves, and the continued respect he shows the man.  Dimo says that him and his men will leave the room so that Levi can discuss the plan with his squad, but Levi insists that Dimo and his men stay, restating that that’s how their agreement works, that they don’t keep secrets from each other, and telling Dimo that he trusts him.  He reiterates this again when Dimo tries a second time to leave.  It speaks volumes about what kind of person Levi is, about his honesty and integrity as a person, that he’s treating Dimo and his men as equals, and including them in on the plan, and not just that, but the entirety of the situation, willing to reveal to them everything the SC knows.  He isn’t treating them as tools in Erwin’s plan, he’s treating them as partners, as people, and showing them respect by making them privy to everything that they’re getting into.  He’s showing Dimo complete trust here, when just a few days earlier they’d been on opposite sides.  Levi even takes the time to welcome Flegel, and once again reaffirm his trust in the Reeves Company.  I find this remarkable, this kind of respect and regard, and, really, this kind of deep humanity we see from Levi.  He treats Dimo and his son and his men with dignity, which is something nobody else has done for any of them in a long time, it seems.

Of course, this leads into the big scene between Levi and Historia.  I read a brilliant meta on this recently, where the writer pointed out that it’s significant that this scene takes place directly on the heels of Hange and Levi torturing Sannes for information on the Reiss family, because that experience directly influences Levi’s violent reaction and anger towards Historia here, and also explains why it is Levi forgot to tell his squad about who Historia really is, and the almost embarrassed look on his face when he realizes this.  Levi is still obviously bothered by what both he and Hange did to Sannes, enough so that he becomes distracted and forgot to reveal an obviously vital piece of information.  

What’s really interesting about this scene though is Levi’s reaction when Historia, initially, refuses to become Queen, insisting that there’s no way she can, insisting that she isn’t “fit”.  Levi gets about as pissed as we’ve seen him up to this point at this, and actually, physically attacks Historia by lifting her off the ground.  What’s interesting is Levi’s reasoning behind his anger.  Historia is being horribly timid and indecisive here, claiming she can’t be queen because she isn’t fit, essentially saying because she isn’t good enough.  This kind of timid shirking of responsibility, in the face of what Levi’s just had to do to get the information needed to perform a successful coup, would be pretty maddening.  He’s just had to dirty his hands by torturing a man, and here Historia is, flatly refusing to step up and make that experience mean anything.  We know how Levi can’t bear to let people sacrifice their lives for no reason.  I think the same applies here.  Levi can’t bear to have engaged in something as ugly and awful as torturing a man for information, with nothing to show for it in the end, with nothing gained for the effort.  Historia’s behavior here must seem to Levi very self-indulgent.  He goes into a long speech after he drops her, asking his squad members, after they yell at him for going too far, what all of them will be doing tomorrow.  Asking them if they think they’ll have food on their table, or if they’ll get a good nights sleep, or if the people around them will still be there.  He then tells them he never thinks so.  

Levi is essentially telling his squad that because of the world they live in, nothing is guaranteed, and nothing can be taken for granted, and the kind of fear they all live with of never knowing is something he wants desperately to rid the world of.  This life of being trapped and stuck and always living in fear and uncertainty.  There’s nothing worse than that.  He talks about being willing to be the one to do the dirty work, to get his hands dirty, in order to prevent anyone else from having to do the same, to have to carry the burden of that, and in order for the nightmare of their desperate existence to finally come to an end, to save everyone from having to sit there and worry if they’ll be able to eat the next day, or if their friends will still be alive.  Levi calls himself abnormal here, and says it’s probably because he’s seen so many abnormal things, but he’s willing to be that, willing to be the freak or the “bad guy” if it means no one else has to deal with it, has to go through such horrible experiences of loss and pain and guilt.   This, again, is an awesome example of Levi’s selflessness.  He knows everyone in that room is looking at him with revulsion and anger, that they think he’s being a terrible person and cruel.  But he doesn’t care.  He doesn’t care what they think of him in that moment, because the lives of so many other people are at stake, and he knows if Historia refuses to take on her role as Queen, so many more are going to die.  This coup is happening, regardless, because the standing Monarchy has proven itself unwilling to put the lives of the people ahead of its own interests, and without a peaceful transition of power to overthrow a corrupt government, more lives will be lost.  In the face of that, Historia’s meekness and uncertainty is glaringly petty and unimportant.  

I also think Levi is, again, pulling from his own experiences growing up, the poverty of living in the Underground and having nothing.  Being on the fringes of society and abandoned and uncared for by a ruling government, left to starve and rot beneath a thriving, wealthy capital.  Dimo later defends Levi when his son starts talking smack about him, and remarks that a man like Levi, who is awkward but kind, must have come from absolutely nothing.  He defends Levi to Historia too, telling her he might be scary, but he’s not a bad guy.  He calls Levi kind, even after what happened with Historia.  Because he understood Levi’s violence here, when no one else really seemed to.  He understood that it was coming from a man who had to fight all his life just to survive from one day to the next, never having any certainty in what tomorrow would bring.  He understood that Levi’s compassion towards the downtrodden, like the people of Trost now are, is coming from a place of personal experience, and so he knew Levi would keep his word to help them, even though he didn’t have to and it gained him nothing.  Because Dimo perceives that Levi knows what it is to have “absolutely nothing”, he then sees the genuineness of Levi’s compassion and the inherent kindness in him, and his sincere generosity and thoughtfulness, underneath his brusque and rude manner.  When Levi asks his squad if they think they’ll have food to eat the next day, or if they’ll sleep well, I think he must be remembering his life in the Underground, when even simple, basic staples of living like that were never a sure thing.  

Levi’s frustration and anger with Historia here is because he knows there isn’t any time for that kind of self-involved mindset.  Levi’s made sacrifices to get them to this point, as has Hange, as has the entirety of the SC, and Historia is threatening to render all of those sacrifices moot and meaningless because she’s... insecure.  Again, Levi can’t bear meaningless sacrifice.  So he gets incredibly pissed, and because, as always, Levi has so much trouble expressing himself through words, this is how he goes about trying to make Historia understand the importance of her part in this, how vital it is to so many other people’s lives that she step up and become Queen.  

It’s interesting too that this outburst on Levi’s part comes right after he expresses and shows so much trust and respect towards Dimo and his men, because it gives us such a clear picture into how Levi treats people with so much thoughtfulness and understanding for their position, but how he often struggles to express those things in words.  That, too, speaks the the kind of life Levi had growing up.  A world where social niceties and politeness were nonexistent.  Levi has such a pure, good heart, but he has no refinement or charm, and he’s no good at talking to people.  That inability to make himself clear or understood also leads to frustrated and angry outbursts like this, I think.  He wants Historia to understand, to realize how she herself is being foolishly selfish by letting her insecurity keep her from doing the right thing, but he doesn’t know how to make her see it, so he picks her up and yells at her.  

Anyway, that’s what I’ve got for these two chapters!  

Oh, and also on a side note, Armin was creepy as hell in chapter 55, lol.  Armin is an interesting character, because he seems so timid and nice, but he’s actually one of the most manipulative characters in the series.  Of course he’s one of the few that understood early on that in order to gain something, you have to be willing to make sacrifices too.  But his manipulativeness is a trait of his that sticks out pretty prominently at times, and so I always find it strange when people talk about what a sweet or caring person he is.  I do think Armin cares about his friends and comrades a lot, for sure, but he’s also a little scary in his deviousness, in how good he is at knowing how to get people to do what he wants.  

[presidentbungus]

ficposting weewoo weewoo! something a little different this time—this fic is still deeply unfinished and never going to be finished, but this time it’s about fnaf security breach! isn’t that crazy and bonkers and crazy! anyway. freddy does stuff. robot feelings. sun is there and doesn’t do anything. thanks

By all the calculating Freddy has done, he has determined that he is not one sovereign entity, but two different states jammed together into a single hard drive. He is Freddy and he is the System.

The System is helpful, sometimes. It tells him where to be, and what to do, and especially where not to be and what not to do. But the endless instructions, always going and going and going, pulling and binding and restricting—that’s when the System stops being helpful. It does not ever leave him alone. He cannot be alone. Freddy is not Freddy. He is Freddy and the System.

By all the rules Freddy knows exist—all of the instructions that are baked into his programming, underlying every executed line of code, immutable laws of the Pizzaplex and the Universe—he is not supposed to be out of the charging station this time of night, and especially he should not be going to the daycare as it is not under his list of approved areas. Every single step he takes away from his dressing room is Wrong and Terrible and absolutely agonizing, but it is taken.

His archive shows him pictures of water, sometimes videos. His archive serves no purpose. He is aware how water moves, even if he has never perceived it. He imagines placing two water sources facing opposite from each other in a straight and direct line and leaving them to flow in an theoretically infinitely deep though finitely wide space. His imagination serves no purpose. The water sources will eventually meet in the middle and churn and fight for dominance in the current. If one water source is stronger than the other, there will still be a great churning but it occur farther from the center, into the flow of the other source, perhaps even reversing it in the process. The battle is still present, though it can be overtaken.

I am Freddy, he repeats with every step, as binary commands jolt through his wires and demand he turn back. I am Freddy. He says I am Freddy as he comes to the big doors in front of the Daycare and pushes them open, and the System says he is not supposed to be in here this time of night.

To the System, night is the period of time between 10 PM and 8 AM, after the building is closed and he is supposed to be in his room. The archive (no purpose no purpose no purpose no purpose) shows him other things. Darkness, real darkness—not neon-draped or buried in stone, just the sky (the region of the atmosphere and outer space seen from the earth, is what the archive says—he does not know what this means but it sounds right and well) and the ground underneath.

When Sun sets, night begins, which does not entirely make sense—in brief forays around the building, wandering and greeting children, he has seen Sun doing whatever it is Sun does. Sun does not seem like he can control the time—such an important thing seems like an odd concept to an animatronic as wishy-washy as Sun, who works in the daycare even, but the archive has never lied to him before (even if it’s said some things before that he’s had trouble believing—like that there are buildings beside the Pizzaplex and associated brands. He’s still trying to puzzle that one out).

He should be leaving (I am Freddy I am Freddy I am Freddy) but he marches up to the window of where the Floor Plan says is Sun’s room, from which his audio detection systems indicate humming, and he does the “clear throat” voice command for good measure even if it does nothing.

“Hello Sun,” says Freddy, in as loud a voice as the System allows. The humming stops, but Sun does not appear.

“Hello Sun,” he repeats, and he adds: “I would like to make a request.”

A little yellow circle pokes out from behind the curtains, does a twist, and Freddy offers a little wave in reflex.

“Why are you here after hours, friend? You know you’re not supposed to be—“

“I know,” Freddy says. “Trust me, you do not need to tell me.”

Sun’s face does a full circle this time and he steps out from behind the curtains, squatting with his legs spread apart. “So I think you should probably get going—“

“You. Do not think.” The last time Freddy tried to have this conversation Chica got really scared and she eats garbage now. Sun does not seem to have a functioning mouth, so Freddy decides it is probably safe to forge ahead. “Do you want me to leave?”

He tilts his head. “… Yes. I don’t see any reason why—“

“Do you. Want me to leave? Or is that what you think I should do?”

Sun’s face starts turning circles.

“… I-I don’t know.”

“Good.” Freddy sets a hand on both hips and does a “deep breath” voice command and says: “Now, Sun, make it day.”

“You do not have to leave,” Sun says. “You don’t. I don’t know why… oh, I’m so lonely.”

“Sun. Come on. Make it day.”

“I have no friends anymore… no one talks to me. Nobody stays over during the night—I don’t know why. I must be doing something wrong. Is it the finger painting? It must be the finger painting—Oh, boy, I’m not good at finger painting, oh—I have to get better. I have to get better at finger painting—“

“Sunny. Sundrop. You know. Rise! Night is so boring, make it be day now!”

“What are you asking me!”

“Please!”

{that’s it go home}

[moonlighttfoxx]

The girl with the golden eyes: Part Five

Warnings: smut, complete filth, horny Steve, horny Bucky, horny reader, a little girl on girl make out session, mentions of BBC

‘Hey, Steve! Wait up!’ Bucky shouted in the empty hallway, chasing his friend after he had stormed out from the gym. Steve stopped, turned around and looked angrily at his friend, face still red, both from anger and from the workout.

‘What?’ he asked annoyed.

‘What’s with you? What was that all about?’ Bucky asked once he caught up with him.

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about’

‘So… you just happen to storm out like that on a regular basis, huh?’

‘It’s nothing important’ Steve answered coldly.

‘Again, you are not a particularly good liar, Stevie. Besides, it doesn’t go well with Captain America’s image to lie now, does it?’  

Steve sighed.

‘Sure, sure. But dry – humping in public areas goes well with everything, I assume.’

‘Is that what this is about? I had a little fun, so what?’

‘It’s inappropriate. That’s what. Today’s dry – humping, tomorrow who knows… I might go to the gym and find you two actually fucking’

‘So what if you do?’ Bucky crossed his arms in front of his chest.

‘It’s inappropriate!’ Steve raised his voice, repeating himself one more time.

‘Is that the reason it bothers you? Because you see, I think you’re lying.’

‘You can think whatever you want. I couldn’t care less.’ Steve grunted.

‘You sure about that?’ Bucky said quietly. ‘You know what I think? I think you want to fuck Y/N just as much as I do if not more. I think you think about her all the time. I can only imagine the thoughts running through your head. And I think it drives you nuts when somebody else is so much as looking at her. Because you are jealous. You are a jealous son of a bitch. And you can deny it as much as you want, but don’t forget I know you all too well. And don’t think I don’t know you are aroused all the time when you are around her. I’m a super soldier too. Now, you have two options: you can admit that you fucking want her so I can back off or you can continue acting like a horny little boy that doesn’t know what he wants.’

Bucky could see Steve’s jaw tightening.

‘I don’t want her. I can barely stand her. And I couldn’t care less about who she sleeps with. So will you drop it already?’

‘A horny little boy it is then’ said Bucky. He turned on his heel and went back to the gym, leaving Steve in the middle of the hallway. Pissed. The Captain was a stubborn man. Bucky knew that if he pushed him enough, he would eventually have to face his feelings, therefore the winter soldier just set a new goal for himself: piss Captain America until he caves. Steve would thank him later.

____________________________________________________________

‘Okay, guys. As some of you already know: I have planned a little Truth or Dare for tonight’s game night. I’m sure you’re familiar with it. In case you pick truth, you have to answer honestly, you don’t get to switch questions. If you pick dare, you can’t back out and again you can’t request a different dare.’ Natasha gave detailed instructions as the rest of the team sat in a circle on the floor.

‘Are we still doing that? But there’s just the four of us here’ Steve complained. Tony and Bruce had some science stuff to do that came up in the last minute. Clint saw an opportunity to spend some time with his family during the weekend and Wanda and Vision had decided to find good usage of the weekend as well and take a short vacation. That left only Steve, Bucky, Y/N and Natasha in the compound.

‘Of course we are still doing that. I’m not letting anyone ruin my game night.’ Nat said confidently. ‘Where’s Sam?’

‘In his room. He injured himself badly during workout earlier. He took same painkillers and went to bed’ Bucky explained.

Natasha nodded.

‘That shouldn’t be a problem. I actually think it could be way more fun like that’ she smirked.  ‘Sooo, grab something to drink, I feel you’re gonna need it and let’s get the party started!’

Boy, as annoying as Nat was right now, she was right about the drinking. Steve needed a lot of that if he was going to make it through tonight. Not that he could get drunk anyway. But there’s no harm in trying, right? That way at least he was going to focus on something else instead of Y/N. He could smell her again. He was sitting in between him and Bucky, right next to him and that didn’t help one bit. Those damn lilacs. And as if that wasn’t enough of a distraction, she was wearing casual shorts and a tight top. No bra again. And guess what? Her nipples were pushing hard against the fabric. Yep, Steve needed alcohol big time.

‘Sooo, let’s start. I’ll go first. Bucky, truth or dare?’ Nat asked.  

‘What do you think? Dare, of course’ he smirked.

‘Oh, this should be fun. I dare you to send a text to the last person you messaged, but not just any type of text. A sext. Send a sext to the last person you messaged. And make sure it’s descriptive. Tell them in details what you want to do to them’

‘Oh, neat! That’s a nice one!’ Y/N cheered, sending a smile in Nat’s direction. ‘Who is it, Buck?’

Bucky took out his phone, unlocking it and opened his messages.

‘Uh, it’s Sam. Why couldn’t it have been one of the two of you? I have no problem picturing what I want to do to you’ Bucky said, referring to Nat and Y/N.

‘I can help you with that’ Y/N said, a slight smirk appearing on her face. ‘Give me the phone’

Bucky rolled his eyes, but gave it to her anyways.

‘I’m gonna embarrass myself one way or another. How bad could it be?’ he sighed. Steve watched Y/N typing something, a devilish grin on her face.

‘There’ she said, clicking the send button. Then she returned the phone to Bucky.

He read it himself and his eyes widened a little bit.

‘Jesus, doll. You’ve got some mouth on you’

‘What is it? Read it out loud for us’ Nat pleaded.

Bucky sighed.

‘I wasn’t able to stop thinking about you all day, big boy. You looked so good at the gym today I wished to have a bite of that sexy ass of yours and feel your big black cock in my mouth. I just love gagging on big black dicks’ he read. Steve choked a little on his drink. For no particular reason he couldn’t help but wonder if Y/N really thought that.

‘Awesome!’ Nat laughed.

‘Do you really love gagging on big black cocks, doll?’ Bucky asked raising an eyebrow.

‘Maybe I do, maybe I don’t’ she answered mischievously.

‘Oh, come on! Tell me! Today is all about truth and dare, isn’t it?’

‘Well, I suppose you’re going to ask me later anyway. So, to answer your question: I love gagging on big cocks. I love the challenge if you know what I mean. They don’t have to be black necessarily. Although, there’s a certain appeal to the black ones’

‘Totally!’ Nat agreed.

Now, why did she have to say that? Steve’s mind drifted off in a very inappropriate direction including Y/N’s mouth on his big hard cock. If she loved gagging so much, he sure as hell was able to help her with that. Steve bit his bottom lip.  

‘Mmm, doll, then you’d love to have a taste of me’ Bucky whispered.

‘I’m sure I would, Sergeant.’ She giggled. ‘But it’s your turn.’

‘Oh, right. Truth or dare?’ Bucky looked at Y/N.

‘Dare’ she answered confidently. Her answer brought a big smirk to his face.

‘You choose wisely. I have this particular fantasy of mine that involves you. I’d like to make it a reality and it seems like I might just have the chance for that.’

‘Tell me you’re not that desperate to dare me to give you head’ Y/N joked.

‘Why should I dare you? If I wanted it, you’d already be on your knees in between my legs gagging on my cock. Trust me, I can make you gag reaaaal good’

‘You wish’ Y/N rolled her eyes. But the scent coming from her that filled Steve’s nostrils was unmistakable. He was willing to bet she was dripping wet.

‘Damn right I wish’ Bucky chuckled. ‘Anyways, what I want you to do now is make out with Nat. I want a heavy make out session: tongue, heavy groping, dry humping if possible. I want it all.’  

‘No problem’ Y/N said. ‘I’m sure she’s better than any of you anyway’

‘You bet I am’ Nat said. ‘Come here babe’

Y/N laughed, getting up from the ground and going to Natasha. She took her face in both her hands and roughly smashed her lips into Nat’s. A few seconds later Y/N slid her tongue into the other woman’s mouth. In the same time, her hands were roaming down Nat’s body. With every second it was getting hotter and hotter. The two women’s bodies were brushing against one another. Steve could see Y/N’s hands going on Nat’s waist and then slowly sliding down, squeezing her ass. At the same time the Black widow reached underneath Y/N’s top, her own hand moving up to her boobs. From what the Captain could see Nat’s fingers were gently playing with Y/N’s nipples, which lead to a loud moan escaping from her lips. Oh, that was the single most beautiful sound he had ever heard.

Eventually the ladies parted. Both of them breathing heavily.

‘Well, was that good enough for you, Sergeant?’ Y/N asked.

‘Y – yeah’ Bucky stuttered, his voice raspy. He cleared his throat and then his usual smirk appeared once again. He rubbed his visibly hard cock through his pants on purpose of course, bringing everyone’s attention there. ‘It was perfect.’

The air in the room was heavy. Steve could smell the arousal on all of them. Especially on Y/N. But he couldn’t blame her. Nor Bucky. He himself was rock hard. Back in his day things like that were taboo. It wasn’t perceived very well. He hadn’t thought he could actually enjoy it that much. But he did. And the pressure in his pants was the absolute proof of that. He felt as if his cock was about to burst.

Y/N took her place between him and Bucky and turned her flushed face to him. Jesus. He hoped he wasn’t obvious. He hoped his erection wasn’t visible.

‘So, Captain Rogers, truth or dare?’ she asked. There was something so hot in the way she used his title. It made his cock twitch in his pants. Fuck. That definitely wasn’t helpful.

‘Truth’ he answered huskily.

‘Wuss!’ Bucky whispered. Steve looked at him sternly and then his eyes found Y/N’s once again.

‘So… Captain…’ she started, her eyes sparkling dangerously. ‘Have you ever jerked off to someone in this very room and if so when did you lastly do it?’

Fuck. Heat rose to Steve’s cheeks.

‘Ohhh… that question was on point!’ Bucky said. ‘So, Stevie, tell us the truth. Does Captain Goody – two – shoes do such inappropriate sinful things?’

‘I… well… yes, I’ve masturbated to somebody in this room. Two hours ago while taking a shower’ the red color on his cheeks deepened. He downed his drink, suddenly feeling anxious with the three pairs of eyes set on him.

‘Oh… I think that’s cute’ Y/N said. ‘You don’t have to worry about that being embarrassing. It’s totally normal. I also masturbated before I came here for the game.’

‘Were you thinking of me?’ Bucky asked.

‘No’ Y/N laughed as Bucky’s face formed a ridiculous pout.

‘Excuse me’ Steve said, interrupting them as he rose to his feet. ‘I need another drink’

He wasn’t so sure he was going to make it through tonight after all. That little minx was pure torture for him and he wasn’t sure he would be able to control himself much longer around her.