#i get my id on tuesday. and for so long ive been saying that this is whats gonna really help and change things

[ty-bayonet-betteridge]

two of the transfems youre friends with have been talking to you about the clinic they got their bottom surgery done at. apparently its dirt cheap, and the surgeon - despite some oddities and, your friends admit, poor hygiene - is incredibly talented. theyre more than happy to give you her phone number when you ask, and while it sounds simultaneously incredibly sketchy and way too good to be true, at this point youre just so broke, desperate, and tired of gatekeepers that you're willing to give it a shot.

you call on a thursday afternoon, and the call is picked up on the fourth ring, when youre just gearing up to hear an answering machine. the voice on the other end sounds like a middle-aged woman with a smoking habit trying to sound like a cheery, bubbly young girl, and mostly succeeding. hiiiii! what can i do for you? she asks. you say er im looking for a surgical clinic is this the right number? she says mhm! thats me. you say okay, i just have a few questions. she says shoot. you say do you take patients who arent referred to you? she says nobody refers patients to me so yes. then she giggles. youve never heard somebody pull off a giggle in real life. you ask okay, so ive been looking for a place to get my metoidoplasty done, can you do that here? she says i dont know what that is give me like five seconds. then the line goes silent. you can hear her typing on a mechanical keyboard and humming to herself as she reads. youre now convinced that this is not in any way a legitimate medical institution.

youre about to hang up when she comes back on the line. OH you need a dick she says. sure i can do that! does tuesday afternoon work for you? i have that morning free too but i HATE getting up in the mornings so id rather not schedule it if i have to. you say tuesday afternoon is fine, how long should i expect the visit to be? she says i dont know like seven hours? you say seven hours? she says yeah give or take a few, every person is different so i dont know what itll be like until ive got your cunt opened up. honestly probably best to take the whole day off just in case it turns out to be a tough operation. you dont respond to that immediately. she says oh shoot should i not use the word cunt, is that too gendered? sorry. you say no its fine. you say i thought i was just going in for a consult? she says i mean yeah if youd rather. i dont mind doing same-day but some people like having more time to think about their options. do you have somewhere to be tuesday night or something? you say no its just... no tuesday afternoon should be fine. she says okay great!

she gives you her address. she says knock three times so i know its you and not my parole officer. parole officer you ask? she says im being good i promise but i still hate talking to him hes boring. you say if you dont mind me asking what were you imprisoned for? she says the ones i plead guilty to at the trial were a hundred and ninety-two counts of first-degree murder with a parahuman ability, two hundred and fifty-six counts of physical and emotional torture with a parahuman ability, five hundred and six counts of intentional infliction of emotional distress with a parahuman ability, four hundred ninety-eight counts of aggravated assault and battery with a parahuman ability, four hundred twenty five counts of domestic terrorism with a parahuman ability and two hundred and twelve counts without, three counts of arson, two hundred forty two counts of burglary with a parahuman ability, three hundred eight four counts of robbery with a parahuman ability, four hundred twenty seven counts of abduction with a parahuman ability, a hundred eighty six counts of human trafficking with a parahuman ability, three hundred ninety counts of destruction of public property with a parahuman ability, eighty counts of possession of a controlled substance, more than three thousand conspiracy and complicity charges in various felonies, eighteen violations of the Geneva Conventions, and the unauthorized practice of medicine. i plead not guilty to the larceny, sexual assault, contempt of court, corporate espionage, and identity theft charges and the prosecutor didnt really try to fight it since i had already earned seventy life sentences from the other stuff so im technically innocent of those.

you dont say anything to that.

after three seconds of silence she says sooooooooo i'll see you tuesday? you say tuesday, yeah. what was your name again? Riley, she says. Riley Grace Davis. you say thanks again and then hang up.

you debate constantly during the intervening days whether you should go on tuesday. youre grateful your friend group is so slutty; it means youve already seen with your own eyes that this surgery is real and not just a lure to murder you. still, you have some reservations, which you think is perfectly understandable.

you call one of your friends whos been there already. she picks up and you say if this is a joke its only sort of funny. she says if whats a joke? you say the clinic. you say you DID give me the actual number to the place where you actually had your bottom surgery done right? she says yeah, dont worry the surgeons so sweet. you say she admitted to doing two hundred murders when she was on the phone. she says i dont know anything about that but i trust her. you say if i end up dead, kidnapped, or mutilated, its your fault. she says dont worry about it.

tuesday comes. you never agreed to an exact time so you show up as early as you can and still have it be "afternoon" in your mind - 12:30. you climb the rusted fire escape to the third floor door and knock three times. the door is answered by a woman six feet tall in casual but very nice clothes with frizzy brown hair and an expression you cant read. you say er, riley? she says nope. another girl pushes past her, exasperated. she's maybe five foot two and her wavy blonde hair is worn down, with a red bow in it. she's wearing torn jeans - naturally torn, not the sort that you buy with holes in them that youve always hated but the kind that were once normal jeans and now have worn through much of the fabric on the knees. her tshirt is faded and has stains that you cant quite place on it, but youre pretty sure it was once Eidolon merchandise.

she says damnit amy let me answer the door next time. the taller woman, amy apparently, shrugs and steps aside to let you in riley claps her hands together once youre inside and the door is shut. introductions! she shouts. amy, this is, er... I never actually got your name? you tell them your name. she says right! hes one of my clients. and this is Amy, my sister. dont worry about her, shes just a little awkward. amy says can you PLEASE not introduce me as your sister. riley says make me. then she grabs amys shirt and pulls her down, standing on her tiptoes at the same time. they kiss in a very un-sisterly way. you clear your throat politely.

riley breaks away and says right, yeah, sorry! i get distracted easy. youre here to get a dick right. you splutter a bit, both at the bluntness of the question and the fact that amy is still standing right there. riley follows your gaze. she says oh dont worry about her! sorry, i wouldve run her off earlier, i thought you wouldnt come by for another few hours. you say sorry. she says dont worry, its her fault. amy says you didnt tell me you had a client. riley says you didnt ASK. you clear your throat politely again. you say er yes, i did come in for metoidoplasty. she bites her lip and furrows her brow. she says metoido... oh right. well i dont really do that here but i can give you a dick. you say uh im not really interested in phalloplasty. she says whats phalloplasty? amy says its the construction of a penis, usually via tissue flap taken from another part of the body, often followed by the insertion of prosthetics to allow the constructed penis to achieve erection. riley says oh, huh. yeah i dont do that either. i can give you a dick though. she takes a second then puts on an exaggerated scowl. who would want that she asks? amy says lots of people prefer it to metoido for aesthetic reasons or because they dont think theyll be large enough for penetrative sex with metoido. riley says but it wouldnt feel like a dick! man, some surgeons are talentless hacks.

you clear your throat again. you say so if youre- riley says youre clearing your throat a lot, are you okay? you say im fine, its just- she says oh duh were being so rude! why are we all standing around here. come sit down in the living room, do you want anything to drink? she leads you into the living room. it has the unmistakable air of a room thats been cleaned recently, with vacuuming marks present in the carpet and the unmistakable scent of air freshener. the sofa that you're gestured to sit on is, by contrast, unbelievably filthy. stains of every sort are visible on it - some of them are obvious, like the patches of blood and vomit or the ring of a coffee mug. others take you a second to place, like the crusty streak along one cushion that you realize all at once is semen, or the sticky yellow parts that you hope to god are honey. some of them, like the muddy green handprint along one arm of the sofa or the deep black smudge along a seat, are completely foreign to you. you can smell it from several feet away.

amy notices your hesitancy. she says i keep telling her to throw that thing out. riley says and i keep telling HER that its a relic from earth bet! its an antique and itll be worth millions soon. it just needs a good deep cleaning. amy says what that sofa needs is a bullet, not a deep clean. you sit down. drink? riley asks. you say er what do you have? she says water, diet coke, vodka, coffee. no more beer though, SOMEBODY drank the last one. amy says you never said they were off limits! riley says they arent, im just teasing. you say waters fine. riley says aaaaaaaaaamyyyyyyy, could you pleeeeeeaaaaaaaase go get our guest a glass of water and me a diet coke? oh and can you grab the pill bottle on the second shelf of the spice cabinet. amy says sure, i'll be right back.

riley sits down next to you. she says sooooooo what do you want for your dick? you say sorry, if youre not doing phallo or metoido then what exactly are you offering? she says no offense but it would take like literally eight years to give you enough background info for you to understand my explanation, and i dont have that kind of time. im not getting any younger. except for when i am. she laughs louder than you thought a human could. you have no idea how to describe the sound of her laughter. she says just tell me about your dream dick and ill give it to you. trust me, im a doctor.

except that youre not, amy says, returning with glasses and pills in hand. she sets the water down in front of you and you immediately take large gulps, feeling very much lost right now. riley says am TOO, accepting the pill bottle and diet coke from amy. she frowns. why is it can diet coke, she asks? she says glass bottle is so much better. she says why did i even BUY can. amy says they are literally the same liquid, what do you mean its better. riley says theyre not the same, stop deluding yourself. amy says which of us is the REAL doctor? riley says both of us! the PRT finally issued me an equivalency. youre talking to doctor riley davis, MED. amy says oh really? congrats she says. riley beams. then she unscrews the lid of the unlabeled, dark brown glass bottle, grabs three pills, and pops them into her mouth.

what is that you ask. ectasy she says. you want some? you say no thanks. she says you sure? you say i probably shouldnt take drugs before an operation, what if it interacts with the anesthetic? riley says dont worry, i made my own anesthetic that has zero drug-drug interactions. amy says except with sudafed. riley says ok YEAH except with sudafed, how was i supposed to know? she glances at you. you dont take sudafed do you she asks. you say no. she says good. it was such a bitch cleaning the pus off the ceiling she says. you say huh? she says dont worry about it, you dont take sudafed. she says are you sure you dont want any ecstasy? i promise its pure. you say i dont want to get addicted. she says i can surgically remove the addiction pathway from your brain if that would help. amy says riley, no means no. riley says fine. do you want any ecstasy babe? she says no thanks. riley frowns. she says you guys are a bunch of squares. she pops a fourth one and starts chugging diet coke.

she slams the can down after drinking what must be half of it, wipes her mouth with her arm and grins. sorry, we keep getting distracted! she says. she says im getting into the start of a manic episode and that always makes me roll right over people in conversation. what do you want for your dick? you say um. i hadnt really thought about it. its not normally a choice beyond the type of surgery, you sort of just end up with whatever the doctors are able to make work? thats lame she says. why are normal doctors all so lame she says. ok, rude amy says. OBVIOUSLY im not talking about you babe riley says. and stop distracting me from my client! amy holds up her hands in mock surrender, an easy smile on her face.

you didnt bring a toy with you did you, riley asks. you say huh. she says sometimes people bring a toy that they want me to model it after and that makes everything a lot easier. you say no you didn't. you say i hadn't really thought about my preferences, can we go dealer's choice on this? amy pipes up. she says you REALLY dont want riley to go dealers choice. riley says shut up and get me another diet coke, i just finished this one. amy says yes princess. you honestly cant read whether it was meant to be mocking or endearing. riley turns back to you. ok, she says, lets start with basics. primate? canid? equine? suine? dolphin? i could give you a hyena pseudopenis but i dont know if that would be offensive. you say human is fine. she says please dont tell me you're gonna just be boring this whole time. you say define boring. she sighs deeply and starts massaging her temples. amy, having stepped into the room in time to hear the last bit of conversation, tousles rileys hair. she says sorry babe, customer's always right.

you work out the appearance of your soon-to-exist cock this way. riley asks questions about length, girth, hair, amount of semen generated, percentage growth when erect, and you try to give what you think are average answers every time. amy watches, bemused, the whole time. halfway through she leaves to get the bottle of vodka. she drinks five shots in fifteen minutes. you say i didnt think the human body had that much capacity for alcohol resistance. she says it doesnt. riley swats playfully at her arm.

eventually, riley grabs a set of crayons and a cocktail napkin. she says ok, i think we got it, scribbling furiously. she shows you a crayon drawing of a dick. this look good she asks? you squint at it. there are no measurements given and the medium does not allow you to make out any fine detail. you say yeah thats fine. amy tries and fails to hide a smile. riley chucks the napkin aside and rubs her hands together. boring parts done! she says. time to get messy she says. amy pours a sixth shot of vodka. she says dont forget the anesthetic first. riley rolls her eyes. she says OBVIOUSLY i didnt forget the anesthetic. she says ill be right back. as soon as she leaves the room, amy knocks back her shot. she turns to you. she says you mind if i stay and watch? she says i dont want to make you uncomfortable, but i like watching her work. shes cute when shes working. you say at this point youre not sure you would mind anything at all. you say at this point you dont think you would be fazed if she came back with a fully-formed dick wriggling around in her hand like a fish and sewed it onto me. she says dont tempt fate.

riley comes back with a black bag the size of her head, which she sets on the coffee table with a thunk. she points at you and says okay, clothes off. or pants off i guess. you can leave the shirt on. or take it off. i dont care. you take it off. she tells you to lie down and starts pulling things out of the bag. amy stands up from the sofa to give you the space to stretch out and sits on the coffee table instead, one leg pulled up to her chest with her chin resting on her knee.

riley pulls out a syringe from the bag, filled with pitch-black fluid. she says okay this will hurt for a second but only for a second. you say huh? she flips you over onto your belly and jabs the needle against your lower back, into your spinal column. it hurts like a bitch for all of two seconds and then you stop feeling anything at all in your lower body. you also cant move your legs, you realize. what just happened you ask, as she flips you onto your back again. she says i just killed all the cells in the nerves in your lower spine. she says its the easiest way to make sure none of the pain signals slip through, and she'll just replace them with living ones when she's done. you don't know how to respond to that.

she pulls more things out of the bag. a cartoonish array of different cutting implements come out. most of them are various sizes of medical scalpel, ring cutter, or saw, but you also see a pair of chunky pink safety scissors, a pizza cutter, a serrated bread knife, an x-acto, a drill with a comically long bit, a pair of wire cutters, gardening shears, and an awl. she says okay im gonna start operating so look away if you dont wanna see how your crotch looks while its being rearranged. especially if you think you might puke, i hate having to stop to clean up puke in the middle of surgery. you look away. you notice amy is watching transfixed.

for a couple of hours things go on like that. amy and riley make light conversation, with riley filling any silence by humming a wordless tune you dont know. the sounds and smells youre getting are enough to make you slightly sick; you continue not looking.

in the middle of hour two, riley stops. oh goddamnit, she says. what amy asks? riley says she forgot that shed need extra meat. amy says you started a surgery to give somebody a whole new organ and forgot youd need more tissue to do it? riley says shut up, im dumb. amy says no youre not babe. riley says ughhhhh now what. amy says just get his stem cells to grow the tissue you need. riley says nooooooo thatll take forever, and i have places to BE tomorrow, and if i stop putting pressure on him here hes going to bleed out through his cunt. you say wait, what? amy says well i dont know what you want me to do about this situation, i gave you my solution. riley says baaaaaaaaaaabe. amy says whaaaaaaaaaaaat. riley says i think we have some bacon in the fridge, will you pretty please with sprinkles on top go get it? amy says and what do i get in return? riley says a kiss. amy says id get that anyway. riley says my undying love and affection. amy says i have that already. riley says not making me angry at you so you can sleep under my roof without having to worry that ill turn your sweat glands into acid glands in the middle of the night. amy says that, plus i get to top tonight. riley says fiiiiiiiiine, just go get the bacon. amy gets up.

you say look uh i know you said not to question what youre doing but i kind of dont want a dick made of bacon, not to sound ungrateful. also did you say something about me bleeding out? riley says dont worry, if you bleed out ill put the blood back in, im a professional. you say thats not as reassuring as she thinks it is. riley says whos the doctor, mister? you say technically both of us. i have a phd in social sciences you say. she says wow, theyre just giving out doctorates for anything these days, huh? you say hey, rude. she says only teasing. you say anyway, uh, you didnt address the bacon dick thing? she says oh dont worry about it, my amys amazing, youll see.

amy comes back in with the package of bacon. do you need this in any particular shape she asks. riley says nah just give me a good amount of it. and make sure its spongy, so when he gets hard the blood can- amy cuts her off. she says dont worry, ive given you enough penises at this point that i think i know what penile tissue is like at this point. you say given her enough penises? what the hell does that mean? riley says hey, dont kinkshame! she sounds legitimately offended. you say sorry. amy pulls the bacon out of the package, holding it aloft in her left hand. you watch as the familiar look of a half-pound of bacon shifts and warps into a strange lump of fatty, spongy tissue of a waxy color. she hands it to riley. riley says thanks sis youre the best, love you! amy says no problem. riley says id kiss you if i wasnt elbow deep in this guys cunt right now. amy says kiss me after the surgerys done.

another two hours go by. the sounds of flesh being chopped, sawed, and stitched underscore riley and amys meaningless conversation about whether they HAVE to attend their acquaintance lisa's birthday party. riley says lisa probably wouldn't throw a birthday party if there wasn't some sort of scheme going on. amy agrees but says that doesnt indicate whether they should get involved with the scheme or not. you wonder dimly if you will ever feel your lower body again. you wonder if this is purgatory, an endless afternoon of lesbians bickering affectionately while one of them does surgery on you. you turn your head enough to look at the clock. its 5:26pm. where the fuck did the time go?

another hour passes. riley stands up. she is soaked up to her elbow in various bodily fluids - mostly blood, but youre not looking too closely. she says finally! she says just need to regrow your nerve cells now. you say is that going to take long? she says like twenty minutes maybe as she flips you over. you say ok. she jams a different needle into the same spot, injecting a strange yellow paste into your spine. she then flips you onto your back again. you feel brave enough to finally look at your crotch.

there is a completely normal human penis of average size there. you reach a hand down and touch it. you dont have any sensation in it yet since your nerves are all still dead, but it feels warm and soft under your hands. you smile, feeling tears come to your eyes. its over.

rileys talking. she says i followed your specifications except i had to cheat a bit on the nerves, you actually didnt have very many in your clit for whatever reason so your glans has maybe eight thousand fewer nerves than you wanted, sorry about that. she says i gave you balls in your scrotum for shape but since you said you didnt want kids they dont produce sperm. let me know if you want that changed she says. she says it should be fully functional in every respect, but if you notice any erectile dysfunction, incontinence, discoloration in urine or semen, priapism, or any other issue come back and we'll sort it out. if you notice it bleeding in ANY capacity, call me immediately. if im not answering call Amy, ill give you her number. if SHES not answering either then you can start seeing normal doctors, not that those idiots will know how to help you probably. if you want any changes to it call me and ill pencil you in to get it adjusted. get all that she asks. you nod. she says cool. she says itll be like $200, no rush if youre not able to pay right now. you say it might be a bit since youre still trying to pay interest on your student loan debt. wait, she says, they have student loans again? you nod. she says the world ended like thirty years ago, when did they set up student loans again? fuck, how much do you owe? you say a little under eighty thousand. she says jesus fuck, nevermind, its free. goddamn. you say thank you so much. she says yeah of course. do you want us to dress you or do you want to wait until you can move and do it yourself?

[dirtybitfic]

So wrong yet so right part 4

contains- smutt , Dom matt, sub y/n, rouuuuugh, hairpulling, chocking, spanking, dirty talk, praise kink, degradation , use of names like~ baby, slut, sweetheart , good girl. (not proofread )

Y/n pov-

I wake up early today and went to a water fall with some friends since it so nice outside and we all wanted to have some chill time .

We smoked a bit and just listened to some music .

after a couple hours I had to head home so I could be ready for class tonight. All my friends tried to convince me to skip and hang out longer but I told them that if I skip this class id have to retake it next semester which is the truth but just not all of it .

The full truth is i'm way to excited to see Matt , I haven't stopped thinking about the way he made me feel and how good he looked between my legs . Ive had wet dream about it every night and the build up to seeing him in class today has been eating me alive.

I showered once I got home and threw on a cute but comfortable outfit.

I hopped in my car and sped to class since I didn't realize I had taken such a long shower and am gonna be late for class.

i'm gonna be honest i'm still kind of high from the waterfall earlier. I smoke with friends but my tolerance isn't super high so my highs tend to last longer than my friends.

I grab my bag and speed walk into the building and into the lecture hall . Matt is sitting at his desk as all the students are typing away at their computers .

I sit down a couple rows down closer to the middle of the room and take out my computer .

my phone buzzes in my pocket startling me a bit since the room is so quiet other than keys clicking .

I take it out and check it seeing its a text from matt

I look up at him before I look back down at my phone and open the text

"late to my class thats a call for punishment" it reads my face heats up as I gulp and look at him his eyes study me as his brows furrow .

"are you high right now y/n" my eyes widen . I didn't think it would be noticeable but I guess I was wrong.

I decide to text back and tell the truth .

"just a little bit i'm sorry for being late I lost track of time "

I look back up at him as he stares coldly at me and sets his phone down and looks back at the work on his desk .

I sigh as I start to write my next story.

i'm so entranced by what i'm writing I don't realize Matt is talking .

ms y/l/n I hear a stern voice snap .

my eyes snap up from my computer and I see Matt looking at me I slump in my seat feeling awkward

sorry I say before he starts talking again

so as I was saying class next Tuesday is cancelled so have two stores ready and submitted on Friday the deadline for turn in will be 11:30 okay have a good weekend guys ill be checking my email over the weekend if you guys have question or need help .

he says as everyone packs up and heads out . I sit at my desk about to pack up when I get a text from matt.

"stay in here I want to talk too you"

I sigh as I set it back down and wait for everyone to leave before I get up and head down to where hes standing.

so y/n would you like to tell me why you came to my class not only late but also high he says stepping closer so I have to look up at him.

I- well I went to a waterfall with some friends earlier and we smoked and it lasted a lot longer than expected so I lost track of time in the shower I got here as fast as I could I try to explain but he has an unimpressed look on his face.

hmm well your coming home with me so grab your stuff he says as he goes to his desk packing up his things.

I gulp

w-what why I -

he cuts me off

don't talk back just do as your told he looks at me with a stern look on his face and I instantly make my way but up the steps to pack my things.

he walks up the stairs as I finish packing my stuff and walk over to him and follow him out of the lecture hall .

we make it outside and he leads me to his car . My jaw actually drops .

his car is actually a fucking motorcycle . I never thought he'd be the type to ride a motorcycle but it makes him even more attractive .

you ever ridden one before he ask turning back to me with a helmet in his hands .

I shake my head no as he steps closer slipping the helmet over my head and fastening it tightly .

well don't be nervous you'll be safe I promise he says as he smiles at me .

he throws his helmet on and puts his bag in a compartment he has attached to the back of the bike .

he gets on first and turns to me

okay step up on this part and hold onto my shoulders and swing your leg over so your sitting on this part he says patting the leather seat on the upper back part .

I nod my head and do exactly what he said as I situate myself on the seat.

okay when were actually riding wrap your arms around my waist tightly okay he says as he looks back at me and I nod slowly wrapping my arms around his waste and locking my hands together against his stomach.

he starts up the bike kicking up the stands and pulls out of the spot.

we hit a stop light as we sit waiting for it to turn green I move my hand to his chest gently rubbing up and down feeling his muscles under his black dress shirt.

he groans and leans his head back for a second before looking back at the light .

after a second it turns green and we're off again .

we reach the backroads after about 10 minutes and I hold on tighter as we take the dark windy roads.

I always thought riding a bike would be scary but its actually very calming . The warm breeze feels nice as I blows over us .

I rest my head on his back as I watch the trees blow by .

we reach the turn into his long driveway and we make our way up the hill and reach there front of the house.

He reaches into his pocket and clicks something that opens up his garage as he rides in and comes to a stop turning off the bike .

he puts the kick stand down then helps me off safely and then gets off himself then takes off his helmet then helps me with mine.

so how did you like that he asks smiling as he smooths out my hair

its was actually pretty nice I say smiling up at him

yeah! not so scary as it seems huh

no not at all

good now lets go inside he says as he takes my hand leading me into the door from the garage.

We make our way into the kitchen and he grabs us both a water before handing mine to me and opening his chugging it .

I take a couple sips of mine before setting it on the counter .

soo... why exactly am I here I ask a little confused because I wasn't prepared to be coming here tonight let alone leaving my car on campus.

well I thought it'd be nice to spend time together he says smiling at me

oh I say as a smile creeps onto my face

is that okay

yeah more thank okay I say as he steps closer

good he says before leaning down capturing my lips with his in a sweet slow kiss

he pulls away smiling down at me

so wanna watch a movie he asks with raised brows

yeah sure I beam with a smile on my face .

he takes my hand leading me into a theater room with nice recliner chairs . This house is so nice there is no way the university pays him enough to afford this .

if you don't mind me asking is teaching the only job you have or do you have others cause this house is reallyyyy nice

I teach but I also own a business with my 2 brothers he says smiling at me as he looks through movies trying to pick the right one.

oh cool what's the business I ask as I sit down in one of the chairs .

um well we own 5 hotels , 4 apartment building a couple restaurants and some office buildings.he says nonchalantly like its no big deal.

wow thats... impressive I say as I smile at him

yeah its nice I guess I mean I wouldn't be able to own this house if all I did was teach

I hum in response.

so do your bothers live around here I asks as I lean back in the chair

yeah they have houses close by but they travel around for work so they are back and forth a lot he says as he pops a movie into the player and it displays on the screen.

I gasp when I see he's put 50 shades of grey on . Ive watched it many times but never in the company of anyone else for obvious reasons.

do you have any siblings? he asks as he comes over to me standing in front of me

yeah I have a brother he's around your age

oh nice you guys close?

mmm somewhat we don't talk that much but were as close as brother sister pairs usually are I answer as I look up at him

stand up real quick he says as I borrow my brows but do what he says

he sits down on the chair and pats his lap

sit he demands and I do .

I get comfortable as I lean back into his chest and he reclines the chair back and the movie starts.

halfway through I start to wiggle around getting comfortable but also from slight arousal setting in when the first sex scene plays.

mat groans as he grabs my hips stifling my movements .

Stop moving so much he grumbles into my ear. His voice so low and gravely it has me clenching my thighs.

sorry I say apologetically as I settle back against him .

as the movie goes on the more turned on i'm getting and sitting in his lap is driving me crazy. I shift back as I spread my legs over his own getting comfortable.

his hand moves to my thigh rubbing up and down gently causing me to sigh and lean my head back on his shoulder.

he nuzzles his face in my hair as his hand slides up closer to where I want him most.

doing okay he asks in a tone that tells me he's smirking

mhm I hum as his hand slides up even higher as his fingers graze my clothed pussy.

his hand moves up to my waistband and slides underneath as his hand reaches my soaked pussy.

I whimper quietly and he chuckles a little at my reaction

so wet he says as his hand slides into my underwear and he starts rubbing small circles on my clit

I whine and squirm on his lap as he slides two fingers into me and I cant help the loud moan that escapes my mouth. His fingers speed up pace as i'm panting into his neck .

f-fuck feels so good

yeah am I making you feel good he says in a cocky tone as his other hands goes to pull off my pants and underwear.

mhhhmm I whine as I sick off my pants and spread my legs wider.

he curls his fingers hitting the perfect spot that drives me crazy

f-fuck m-matt oh god I whine as squelching sounds fill my ear signaling i'm close.

yeah that feel good baby he whisper in my ear as he places a kiss on my exposed neck .

s-so good mmm I moan as he keeps moving his fingers expertly

f-fuck im go-gonna cum I moan out as I feel the pressure close to breaking.

you got it baby come on he whispers to me in a husky voice that has the pressure instantly breaking and my juices to squirt out all over the chair , his lap and hand and my thighs.

fuck thats so hot he groans as he works me through my orgasm

je-jesus christ I whine as I come down and he stops his movements pulling his fingers out .

be a good girl and clean them off for me he says placing them on my lips I open my mouth and such my juices off of them with a moan.

stand up he orders and I do . He pulls my top off then his own shirt and pants.

he sits and pulls me onto his lap as his large hard on pulses under me

I pull him to me by his hair into a hot and needy make-out . His hands move to my ass making me grind onto him making us both groan into the kiss.

The pressure his dick is putting on my clit has me whining into the kiss since i'm sensitive from my last orgasm.

we both pull away panting .

think you can handle riding me sweetheart he asks in a sickly sweet voice .

I nod and pull myself up so he can slide his boxers down

he slides then down as his dick slides out slapping his lower stomach as mine drops from the size of him. He's thick and pretty lengthy a lot bigger than anyone i've had in the past which makes me a bit nervous.

what's the matter he ask as his hands move to his base

n-nothing your just really big I say as I look into his eyes

he smirks at me as his eyes glisten with lust

I know you can take it baby come on he says as he spits down onto his dick and spreads it around then lines the tip to my entrance .

I slowly slide down with a hiss as I stretch around him . He groans as his grip on my hips tightens.

fuck your so tight he says as I whimper when I slide down over the thickest part . Im still shocked he isn't fully in yet given I already feel so full but after a couple more second I reach his base and gasp.

f-fuck I whine as I try and move my hips but the stretching pain still hasn't settled yet

its okay baby take your time he says as he rubs softly on my hips soothing me a bit.

I stay still for about a minute before I start slowly bouncing and the pain is gone and all I feel is pure pleasure

fuck so deep I moan as I bounce harder and skin slapping together can be heard

fuck just like that doing so good for me he groans as his hands move to my ass slapping it adding more pleasure .

I continue bouncing on him as I feel my orgasm rushing in and the pressure builds in my stomach.

fu-fuck im so close I whine as my hips stutter and my breathing execrates the closer I get.

yeah feels good fucking yourself on my cock like a good little girl he asks in a gravely voice that has me getting even closer as my legs start to shake .

so good fuck so fucking good oh god I moan as I lift off and my juices squirt out of me all over his dick and down my thighs .

good girl fuck cumming already he teases in a low voice .

I whine as I sit back down on his soaked lap .

legs tired sweetheart he asks as he tilts his head and smiles .

I nod my head and he picks me up and walks to to the door opening it then making his way down the hall to stairs leading up .

he walks carefully up the stairs then reaches another hall leading to double doors . Opening them it enters into a master bedroom .

he walks over to the bed laying me down on my back and pulling me so my ass in right on the edge .

He slaps his dick on my pussy causing me to moan .

He slides back in slowly before slamming himself into me deep and rough causing me to scream.

J-JESUS CHRIST

he smiles down at me as he pounds into me hitting my spot every time .

such a little slut taking my cock so well he says as he leans down to suck on my tits.

I feel myself getting close to squirting again and try to warn him but no words come out just desperate whines and moans.

I grasp his arm tightly as I feel my juices pour out of me and he groans

such a slut squirting all over my dick like that he mewls as he lifts my legs over his shoulders hitting even deeper .

FUCK - I-C-CANT YOUR TOO DEEP I scream out as he continues slamming into me so hard you can see a bulge in my stomach . I try and push him way by his chest but he just grabs my arms and pins them down easily overpowering me .

nah uh your gonna fucking take it like a good girl until i'm filling up this pretty pussy he growls as I moan and whine under him and my legs begin to shake before I release all over him again.

good girl keep fucking cumming only makes me wanna fill you up more he groans as he drops my legs and pulls out flipping me over so im laying flat on the bed he comes behind me slamming back in as he grabs my hair pulling my head up.

im moaning and whining unable to speak as overstimulation settles over me and tears well in my eyes.

who's pussy is this he groans into my ear as his thrusts get harder.

y-yours FUCK MATT -all yours I moan / scream out as he hits deeper and my ass presses back into him.

mmm that fucking right your all mine he groans as his hips art to loose rhythm and he smalls into me a couple more times before filling me up.

he pulls out groaning at the sight off his cum spilling out of me

you did so good baby he says before kissing my head and walking to the bathroom and coming back with a rag to clean me up.

you okay he asks as he cleans my legs off

mhm im great I say with a smile . He chuckles before he stands back up and throws the rag In his laundry .

he comes back and lays down pulling me into his chest .

tired sweetheart he asks in a sweet and soft voice .

yeah exhausted I say as I nuzzle into his chest .

lets get some sleep well shower in the morning he says before he shuts off the lights by the bed and we drift off to sleep.

tags~

@sophia-77n @riasturns @milasturniolo @junnniiieee07 @blahbel668 @sturnsjtop @skyslondon

[py6oto]

more hlvrai x yume nikki au stuff!!!

this post is gonna have a lot more text than my usual posts. so sorry if you don't want that.

so people seemed to really like my idea (which is really unexpected !! i didn't expect it to gain any attention at all!!! but its also super awesome and im so glad they do!!) so ive been brainstorming a little bit.

heads up i know yume nikki is a very ambiguous game but im pretty new to it so if i happen to get any established information wrong please let me know !? ty !!

anyways. before we do the effects. please take some sprites.

(body horror ((multiple eyes, messed up limbs, gunshot sounds)) under the cut!!! pls stay safe !!! ) (also a huge lore dump. sorry!)

id think this au takes place in a universe where the resonance cascade was real (aka not a game or simulation) and it'd be like, maybe a few months after it. gordon is traumatized as hell and it haunts his subconscious to the point he feels the need to isolate himself completely. he relives his trauma through eerily consistent dream worlds and then dies on a random tuesday. credits roll. audience cheers. wonderful story.

the vision for the sprites is that tommy functions as a "friendly" npc (like monoko and the other girl i forget the name of please forgive me) and benrey functions as poniko, uboa being "xenrey" or essentially messed up alien benrey (the weird...white...blood....world...room...uboa takes you to when you interact with it is simply replaced by xen. that's it. benreys house is a direct gateway to that time gordon fought god and won and isn't that amazing.)

i might remake the "uboa" sprite in the future because i don't really like it right now. im very new to pixel art and imitating YMNK's style is a little hard.

i like to think this imaginary game would have the teensiest tiny bit of dialogue, only when interacting with benrey. when you interact with his "regular" form, he says "you're not supposed to be here." and repeats it every time you interact, not saying anything else.

i know one of the biggest things that makes yume nikki stand out is its lack of dialogue, but listen, i think it would work well!!! seeing as this is the only time a character actually talks to gordon through understandable dialogue (unless i come up with something else!! haha) i think it would be confusing and throw players off because it breaks the pattern of being either ignored or silently acknowledged. someone talking directly to you after hours of isolation is confusing and unpredictable. which is what benrey is. confusing as hell!

im not sure what function tommy would offer, if any, i kinda want him to maybe give gordon an effect (soda effect could work?)

i dont think he'd bring any jumpscares or intentionally unsettling things to the table. seeing as he was the only one by gordon's side when the rest of the team proved itself to be a threat, i think it's logical he'd remember tommy in a warmer light than the others- which is reflected in how instead of unsettling or ignoring gordom, dream tommy simply smiles and gives him the ability to drink a soda any time. soda effect.

does this soda effect make you see faster like tommy said?

as much as i'd love to, no. probably not. because i have no idea what the hell seeing faster means.

maybe you can get a caffeine overdose. if you spam 1 enough times you will get very fast for as long as the soda effect is on. like the bycicle effect, but better, because you can taste it!

but no, it won't help you see faster. i don't know how to translate that sentence into understandable english.

now, coomer and bubby!!!! i apologize very deeply for i have not made sprites for them yet. i promise i will!!! it's just very late today and if i draw anything else i will actually just pass out.

im not very sure what i want for them yet. i think theyd be similar to tommy, but they'd have different functions. maybe they all give gordon different effects. or maybe they scare him! i dunno, i feel like there'd be a certain level of distrust from gordon to the old guys, like, of course he doesn't hate them but itd be hard to remember them super kindly and harmlessly when one of them ruthlessly tried to murder you with 300 clones of himself and the other tricked you into an ambush that cost you your arm, as much as you love them.

also!!! i completely forgot gordon lost an arm when i made his sprite. oops. it's okay its just a very realistic prosthetic

anyways. this post is getting too long so i think I'll save the boomer talk for when i actually post their sprites. its time for EFFECTS !!

i haven't been able to come up with many words yet. but i have some effects and a slight idea of how gordon would earn them.

concept art is beautiful

from left to right (because my handwriting is absolutely hideous!)

SODA - earned by interacting with TOMMY. wherever tommy is??? i dunno! pressing 1 will make gordon drink the soda and earn a temporary speed boost.

CAR??? - part of me really wants to rename this one but it's so funny to me i want to keep it. it's just a car. he literally just whips out a car and starts driving. what a legend. this effect lets him get across water areas faster (even faster than the soda!)

LONG HAIR - literally just gives him long hair. there is no practical use for this. nothing will happen. it just gives him long hair. isnt he beautiful.

ARM - earned by interacting with a dismembered arm found... somewhere.... probably some dark room. you know that effect where madotsuki literally just becomes a head? yeah. this is that but it's an arm because of course it is. this is an opportunity and i will not give it up. there is no use for this either. it just makes him a slow sad lonely arm.

MINIGUN - found by interacting with a certain object in POTION !! WORLD !! YEAHHH!! DARNOLD REFERENCE !!! pressing 1 will let you shoot the hell out of your enemies and make them pay for their sins

SWEET VOICE - found by interacting with any of the orbs in COLOR WORLD. 1 will allow gordon to song a beautiful, colorful song that will soothe any npcs he might have angered and make them stop trying to murder him.

POWERLEGS - MAYBE given by coomer npc? idk! this is all brainstorming and a work in progress! 1 makes gordon jump real high, allowing him to reach otherwise unaccessible areas

GHOST - ghost. he's a ghost. he's transparent. he flies. 1 makes him do a little ooooo noise and all the npcs run away from him because the place is haunted. ghost.

GLASSES - literally just pick up some glasses from the floor. putting them on will uncover a few hidden details across the map that may be necessary for progress ... like a very small and specific set of stairs

SMALL - makes gordon very small. i thought the original effect was super fun so i just kept it unchanged. small gordon. he can clone himself and make a gordon army. small. im thinking he finds it thru a coomer clone that is abnormally small. he interacts. small effect. small!

SHORT HAIR - literally just short hair. gordon can't seem to pick a haircut!

UMBRELLA - ...umbrella. makes it rain. shelters gordon from the rain at the same time. can be used for the same purpose it has in yume nikki which is putting out fires or stopping pre-existing rain.

there's supposed to be more effects and i still need to plan all the worlds and hidden rooms but ........ maybe when the sun is out and i have slept and i can think better !!! let me know whatever suggestions or ideas you guys have. i love hearing them a lot ^_^ thank you if you read all of this!! i promise hlvrai animations are not over this is just an au that has temporarily taken over its okay my content is not changing to yume nikki hlvrai only

gordon no

2023.07.27

[allylikethecat]

sorry ive gotten kind of behind in commenting on rid me of the blues, im going to try to catch up tonight 😅

(cw for self-harm/injury)

anyway, in the meantime, i was thinking about chapter 8 and if you have any interest in adding to this universe, id be interested in your thoughts about rmotb!matty adjusting to having a scar; if he's self-conscious about it, if it affects his playing, the fan reaction, anything like that

i was just thinking about it because, especially in the sort of position he's in, something like that would be so visible, and one could only hide it for so long. like he couldnt even go out to buy groceries or something in a t-shirt without worrying about running into a fan, and even if he started wearing long sleeves all the time people would notice that too...

especially regarding the "physical emotional baggage" stuff, i wonder what kind of guilt or responsibility rmotb!matty would feel about it. and i mean also not even just to fans and such, but it would be kind of a constant reminder to himself and the people in his life too. idk, maybe thats too much, but its just what i was realizing when i was thinking about the chapter again trying to formulate my comment 😅

im also very interested to see what the new final chapter has in store...without the mini-preview i really dont know what to expect at all!

AH! No worries at all! I look forward to reading your chapter comments / thoughts when the time comes 🤩

At this point the only additional fic that I have planned / outlined in this little infection universe is Baby!Fictional!Matty and Baby!Fictional!George actually getting together. (Which will probably come sometime in November) I'm sure that more thoughts will come though because between the Eye Infection, Ear Infection and A&E fics I've gotten very attached to this little universe and the canon that we have created.

This is could something that would be interesting to explore though- and not something I ever really considered, especially since the next time we saw Fictional!Matty he was two years removed from the events of Chapter 8 and also... he was literally shitting himself so he had bigger things to worry about- then when we've seen him again in the Eye and Ear Infection fics he is in his mid thirties and is still chaotic because he's Fictional!Matty, but overall, doing a whole lot better. I'm not saying I'm *for sure* going to write an expansion of this universe exploring these themes... but I'm also not saying I'm not going to... as we have found I tend to give into peer pressure very easily when it comes to fic 😂 (Re: this entire universe was people going Hey Ally you should write a fic about xyz and me going N-YES)

I am so excited about the final chapter! It's almost done and I've been like !!! working on it because I think it ties everything together and relates to the Eye and Ear Infection fics much better than ending with the food poisoning chapter 9 situation. I hope that you enjoy it as much as I've enjoyed writing it and look forward to hearing your thoughts on Tuesday!

I apologize that this got rather long and rambling - I have had all the coffee today and got excited! Because I'm a dork and still get so excited every time I get an ask so thank you so very much again for sending this in, for reading, and for your continued support with the A&E Fic!

❤️Ally

[leejihoonownsmyheart]

BRIE CMON IM TELLING YOU IM AT LEAST LESS KINKIER THAN MY FRIENDS no bc my online friend also took the test bc i was talking about it to her AND SHE GOT 100% SUBMISSIVE?? like even i didnt get 100% brat so you cannot tell me im kinkier than any of my friends i wont accept it😭 but even my irl admitted that she might be more kinkier than me but she thinks shes also boring if ykw shes trying to say

ill admit im borderline kinky 'makemegetonmykneesputmeinacollarandmakemebarkandcrawl BUT I don't want to eat food out of a bowl on the floor... uh yeah i stand by that' I TOTALLY AGREE like id be okay if he made me get on my knees but i wont eat out of a bowl off the floor BUT IM NOT KINKIER THAN MY FRIENDS I WONT TAKE THIS DISRESPECT

you can remind me to do the bdsm test thing again in a few months bc im not that kinky but tbh i dont even care anymore i js wanna prove im less kinkier than my irl (yes me and her argue 24/7 for absolutely no reason and im okay with being kinky as long as shes kinkier!!!)

but about my sleep😭 whenever i get my period i get like rly sick and i mean REALLY sick like i got my period on tuesday and i litearlly took a nap bc my fever was so bad AND I DONT TAKE NAPS?? THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IVE NAPPED ALL YEAR?? but yeah fevers make me tired and restless so ive been sleeping late and waking up early but the good thing about having a fever is that when i do finally fall asleep i stay asleep😭 but that only works for a few hours but at least i got a few hours of sleep in a row and not broken sleep

pls this was so long i tbh dont even know what im saying anymore😭

small update about the tumblr friend, she doesnt know yet!! im safe for now she hasnt been on tumblr and hasnt seen my asks

- 🤤 anon who is not kinky!!!!!!

Maybe she’s agreeing with you becaUSE she’s submissive… the sub in her wants to be obedient to you maybe 🤔 (JOKING!!!)

HOW CAN YOU AGREE WITH MY COLLAR BARK AND CRAWL THING BUT NOT AGREE YOU ARE KINKY 😭 AT SOME POINT YOU HAVE TO FACE THE FACTS 😭 FACE THE SUN 🤤 ANON

I will remind you to retake the test though 😊

I am so sorry that your periods are that bad that is terrible 😭 I am gld you were able to get some sleep but that is awful terrible I’m so sorry 😭

Also i very much enjoyed the length AS I ALWAYS DO (omg… does size matter….) if you see a doctor maybe that can prescribe you sleep meds! I am on a lot to help me sleep at night actually and it helps a lot

[yourstrullyme]

boop! you have to answer the following questions and get into the ask of 3 your mutuals and make them answer them as well

1. Are you named after anyone?

2. When was the last time you cried

3. Do you have kids

4. What's the first thing you notice about people?

5. What's your eye color?

6. Sad or happy endings?

7. Any special talents?

8. Where were you born?

9. What are your hobbies?

10. Do you have any pets?

11. What sport do you play/ have played?

12. How tall are you?

13. Favourite subject in school?

14. Dream job?

omg this is fun

1. yes, my mom had a grandma that they called Lina, thinking it was a nickname for one out of two possible names so my mom gave me one of them (the prettier of the two imo)... turns out her grandma was just Lina lol

2. oof id say tuesday? ive been terribly sick and stressed out of my mind and had a test i did very badly on and it was just too much

3. nope lol

4. usually... id say the clothes, style, vibes. im bad w faces and eyecontact

5. green w lil brown freckles

6. both? i love bittersweet endings and honestly if the story is good and the ending makes sense i dont care if its happy or sad

7. uuuh im really good at picking up stuff?? like learning something for the first time is pretty easy, perfecting it is tough but starting is easy. i can also move my ears lol

8. Reñaca, Viña del Mar. Chile.

9. they change a lot but id say rock climbing, music in general, and reading and writing would be the most consistent ones

10. YES her name is carlotta and she was born to a dog a friend picked up from the street so i adopted her. shes small but her body is long and short-legged and her hair is colored like a black and white border collie, but her hair is really tough lol and shes got a beard. shes just a mix of a lot of things. she turns 3 in december

11. sooo many lets see... formally i did volleyball and hockey in school, plus athletism where i mostly did long and high jumps amongst other things. football in college (i was a goalkeeper) and now rock climbing, and im also considering joining a jiu jitsu gym with a friend to try and exersize more regularly (and beat the crap out of each other). then on the side ive always dabbled in running, did a bit of skating, rollerskating, some gym stuff, water skiing, fishing, and i tried kayaking for a month and i want to get back into it

12. 1.74 mts

13. so many lol although i enjoyed myself the most in english, spanish and history back in middle and high school, now that im in college i really love economy and anything to do with biology. basically everything lol

14. oh god... no idea. many jobs. id love to have a job that requires me to travel and meet many people, and a lab job or a field job but in research, and a public figure kind of job? the kind were u have to decide stuff and make speeches and shit. id love to write too, to be a writer on a tv show or write books, but also direct or act (i shouldve been a theatre major honestly if i could have aby job this one would probably be it lol) id love to also have a farmer or a shepards job... the long hours in the great outdoors and physical labor just call to me lol

i just feel like my dream job is a dynamic job, nothing too stagnant, but then again that can just be my age talking yknow? maybe when im older i'll just want a good paying job that allows me to be w my loved ones so who knows. ideally though, it would require me to be outside some part of the time lol

this was fun thanks!! also to that anon that asked me the same thing the answers are here but thanks for asking!

[izepeche]

I am new to the strange obsession, but oh my gosh your works are amazing. I just want sinister strange to do whatever he wants and for me to say thanks afterwards.

I dunno what to say omg thank you thank you thank you love 🥺✨ im honestly surprised ppl still show up on my blog lol

I have so many things I wanna do but with my condition i can’t do much but i should be fully cleared to go home by tuesday ✨

but i agree. i was never really into Strange until this movie. i mean i love his design and ive drawn him many times before but idk he just didnt speak to me before now.

i have the filthiest shit to write and draw i am so vile and feral because of it but so is he. they knew exactly what they were doing when then designed him omfg. i have a HC that he’s really into bondage (including self bondage) and its killing me. its killing me that i cant write it all rn.

you did not ask for this, so i apologize in advance. but ive had this little thing rolling in my head so -

Sinister seems like he used to be a professor and its driving me crazy thinking about him in a AU being the low toned sort of teacher who everyone respects. never raises his voice (and doesnt have to) to get his pupils to behave because he’s also silently terrifying. you can hear a pin drop in his class, even when its a study period and he’s sipping his coffee and reading a book. could probably make a student cry without even trying, without even looking at them (tho he will glance to see the tears) and would secretly enjoy it because he’s a bloody bastard. takes no shit and is clearly passionate about teaching and I just wanna see him in glasses and at a desk fiddling with papers? like look-

In this Professor Sinister! AU id say he definitely smells like dark roast coffee and old books. wears a sort of musky, old timey smelling cologne with spicy citrus notes. keeps to himself, doesn’t really interact with the other professors, but may strike up a short conversation with maintenance or the cleaning staff in the evening. even though he’s a strict man he sports a more casual appearance than one would think. im thinking just regular slacks n shoes, rolled up sleeves to his forearms, usually wears a black turtleneck or dark button down shirt with a few too many buttons open if the AC is busted (again), thick salt and pepper hair slightly tussled as its been run through by his fingers because these fucking kids can’t even double space their essays how did they pass high-school.

crystal eyes lingering a bit too long on an unsuspecting pupil who is always well behaved and attentive. openly teases them to the point of hot embarrassment when they ask to be excused to the restroom, even though they asked so nicely and they really have to go. but ,” ah, ah, not until i say so.” “you know you just went 10 minutes ago” “you took too long last time”

purposefully writes comments on their papers ‘see me after class’, even if its the most well-written dissertation he’s read all year. he’s rather knowledgeable and will always find something to offer correction on. as ‘punishment’, he tells them to help him prepare for the next class by writing what he tells them on the chalkboard. this is when his usual low key tone, shifts to something else.

The professor not so subtly stares at them, scrutinizing their handwriting and how their dainty wrists move under his command. no, Professor Strange definitely does not get off to how they struggle when he asks them to write higher, up on their tip toes and a bit wobbly. he’ll make them erase a whole line if they make a single mistake in their penmanship (which is easy because of how tired and cramped they are getting). he’ll cruelly mock them, “are you getting distracted?” “we can try something easier if this is too hard for you” “why are you stopping, you’re not finished yet” “i mean, Jesus, it looks awful. but i guess if that’s the best you can do-“

and if he’s feeling particularly snippy he’ll snap a ruler on his desk to startle them, possibly messing them up further, barely bothering to stop the smile dancing on his lips. he still throws in a smart ‘thank you’ when theyre done that definitely doesn’t make up for his brash behavior. its hard to tell if his harsh interactions are serious or a ploy of flirtation, but its intense enough to get under the skin every time that they are completely flustered when they gather their things to leave his room.

its wrong to be tormenting his own innocent pupil like this- many would say the poor thing doesn’t deserve it and the professor's intentions aren’t noble. but its not wrong if they keep coming back, right? not that he gives a damn, nor gives them much of a choice; he’s not exactly a model on morality. besides, a man can have a little fun, no?

i just- love him. i love him i love him

as soon as i saw him i knew it was curtains for me. he is utter perfection because sinister is just so fucking broken and deliciously unhinged and loosely disguised as a quiet gentleman. i love the fact he’s self aware enough to know he’s a filthy bastard but he just. doesnt. care. and like great! neither do i sweetheart. id beg this man to break me, and like please sir call me all the names.

[sentientgopro]

Okay, so I know this might sound odd, but I kinda want to keep track of how my feelings have been changing seeing as my life just turned upside down a few days ago. Something feels weird about keeping a note to myself, idk why, For some reason I feel kore comfortable posting it to the internet. Well, I guess that is kinda the point of a blog? Anyway, if youre seeing this but not my last post on Monday, I think I cracked on Sunday Night.

That first post was comprised of how I was feeling Sunday Night- Monday Morning (10/11 Dec) and, well, I'm not going to repeat it. Monday was... weird. I didn't feel great, although thats not significantly out of the ordinary, but I was facing a difficult question I would rather not have to answer, especially when the obvious conclusion was such a difficult one to follow through and act on. It was a question Id rather die than face.

Monday evening was when I decided to start truly planning for the possibility. I may not know If Im right yet, and depending on how hard it may be, I was wondering if it was even worth it. Then I had a look at some trans timelines, and asked people about HRT options, and that was what changed my fuckin life. It was then that I saw how real this was and just how possible this was. The realisation that this was on the cards for me (after a 2 year wait) made me feel really fucking good. Like best Ive felt in a long time. Ive been running on fumes, a list of people to outlive, and "My cats would miss me" but this provided a positive reason to keep going, something to look forward to. For the first time in ages, I wanted to Carry On, not just felt like I had to. And this feeling/ realisation also helped in validating my feelings, that Im not just making it up.

And then came tuesday. The best day Ive had in a long time. I've heard people say "Transitioning may not solve all your problems, but it can make them feel worth solving" but I realised I had that in reverse. My problems are affecting my academic success, so to get out this house and get to Uni, I need to start fixing/ overcoming those problems. My problems feel worth solving so that I can get to transition. I got more done that day and focused easier than I have in a long time.

Later into Tuesday, I considered what my future could look like now. How might it affect other parts about me? I considered my Aroace identity, might it affect that? And I quickly realised I might not be Aro. Why could I see myself happily in a relationship in the future, as a girl, but not as a guy? Hell, I took the idea out of relationships, and realised I couldn't see a happy future at all as a guy. Ive known this for a while, and kinda brushed it off as "Modern society sucks ass" and "Who knows what the future holds" and shit like that, but if that was the case, I wouldnt see a happy future as a girl, which I do. This was another big help in feeling that Im not mistaken about my feelings, and also helps to explain why Ive always felt a little conflicted on my Aromanticism, because it wasn't. As for now, until I can transition, the label still fits. I still think Ill be Ace either way, but I cant know that until the time comes. It doesnt really matter, those labels can be pretty fluid, I shouldnt stress over it. The key takeaway here was that it seemed that Dysphoria was stopping me from wanting a relationship. Perhaps I was wrong about not feeling dysphoria, I think i might just have not been noticing it or understanding it.

I'm caught up to today, which hasn't really seen major developments. I acknowledged the fact that Ive been kinda subconsciously viewing myself as more feminine for years now, but I dont feel like that thought significantly leads anywhere beyond reinforcing how I feel. Most of my thought on this went towards music and lyrics, as now I have a whole new dimension of meanings to find in songs, completely changing how I see alot of them. For example, one song, that I havent been able to find any meaning to until now, has these lines across 2 different verses:

"I need time to break all the mirrors,

But my mind is in pieces and not ready to make it clearer,"

and

"Time to make it all clearer,

And if time never ceases I'll be ready to break the mirror"

After a quick google, the idea of "Breaking a mirror" means bad luck for years, before being okay, which can be interpreted to have fairly heavy parallels to a transition. The first version talks about needing to go through this period, but not being able to or not being ready. As much as I say I cant transition bc of living eith my controlling and transphobic parents, I also know I would not be ready to do it if that wasnt the case. But, as in the second version of these two lines, once I can make it all clearer, If I can just hold out until the end of the two years, if time keeps passing, I can break the mirror.

There are other parts of this song I like and find (questionable) trans meanings in, but these parts stand out. Song is "The Gift" by Kevin Sherwood and Elena Siegman for anyone wondering, I'd best describe it as Melodic heavy metal, heavy instrumentals courtesy of Kevin and beautiful vocal melody courtesy of Elena.

So that was pretty much my day today, finding little bits of meaning in various songs I already listen to. Although its only 2:30PM, there may be more to come later. Regardless, now that ive caught up, Im just going to be keeping every post as its own individual thought or topic. If you did actually read through this, thanks I guess? I dont know why I feel more comfortable writing this here than a private note. Ill only tag this with 196 because eh, why tf not.

[fromyourmomwithlove]

Your Fish Died on Tuesday

This isn't the way I thought id start writing to you, but here we are... you're 4 years old now, and your beta fish died.. you called (FaceTimed) me from your dads house, totally distraught. I'd spent all day supporting M and his best friends through the death of one of their best friends. I was surrounded by pain all day, by the immeasurable weight of grief for those around me. Your dad giggled a bit through your despair over your dead beta fish, my heart broke for you...when I see you in pain, I often think Im not built for motherhood. I understand why parents can chuckle a bit at a loss that's so small in the grand scheme of things but your pain, in any amount, can bring me to pieces. I understand that pain is part of life, I understand that it shapes us as humans and that being human is beautiful and yet.., I struggle to cope with your humanness. When you cried it was the same as the cries of everyone around me that day..struggling to grasp the "WHY" of his death, and understanding the permanence of it. You're 4 years old now... and you've already experienced the loss of your great grandmother, your grandfather, your dog and your cat but this fish... it was the first time I could tell you understood that being dead meant he was really gone. Your dad flushed your fish down the toilet,.. I wish he wouldn't have. I wish i'd had the opportunity to put him in a box for you, and bury him.. because to you, he was as precious as any other living being..I should have been there, I should have been able to hold you, and tell you I know it hurts right now, but the pain will change with time and it will be okay but I couldn't, I was miles away and id had a few beers at the celebration of life I'd just attended. I know to most it seemed like "just a fish" and I knew in the moment and I understand now that you'll be okay.. but I can't help but regret that I couldn't be there..I said the words and I did my best through video chat but it wasn't what it should've been.. and I guess that's what brings me here at 3:30am the day after your fish died. All of this to scream to the void that I'm struggling. Im struggling being away from you half of the time. Ive struggled with motherhood since the day you were born, it has been very tough for me at times as it is for most, yet being away from you half of the time goes against every fiber of my being. Coparenting feels like torture to me, many think I chose this but I hope someday you'll understand that walking away from your dad was the hardest and most painful decision of my life. We had the most beautiful life, it was hard at times like anyones life but it was beautiful and it felt like it was on the verge of blooming into the life we'd dreamt since we were teenagers. Due to what happened, I was left with very little choice, if any at all and while I know there's many that could never truly understand, I hope you grow to understand I made the choice I know is best for you, for all of us in the long run.

There's a lot I want to say, but given the circumstances of the last few days, before anything else I need to say these few things.

I love you

I love you more than I ever thought I could love another human being. Though I don't enjoy every moment of being a mom, I enjoy every moment of being YOUR mom because in any moment, good or bad, I get to be your mom and I am grateful for that...for however long I get to be your mom on this earth I am grateful, and when I exit this earth (hopefully before you (sorry that's going to hurt someday).. I will still be your mom. I will follow you through every lifetime as I believe I already have. When I shed this body, my spirit will follow you and I will do everything I can to radiate love from the other side so you know, I'm always here. Hold space and energy for me, okay?

Regarding what happened to your dad and I's relationship...because eventually you will find out, if you haven't already. The greatest comfort in my suffering, is that it allowed your dad to be free.. and for that I am grateful.

I know my writing may be scattered, as my thoughts often are (you'll learn as you grow up lol) but I hope you're able to make sense of it eventually.

Love,

Mom

[sloppysmooches]

82023

i hate how change stresses me out so much, also just little things recently have been irking me. we kicked our drummer out of the band yesterday and it feels really strange, for me it was a little unexpected like timeline wise but it needed to be done he just wasnt taking it as seriously as me and everyone else and his morals are skewed as fuck. im excited for our new direction though, i really am manifesting being the like sole singer and us getting another drummer and then the lead guitarist being on bass because i just really want to shine vocally and its hard when im still a beginner on bass.

ive been thinking about my friendships a lot recently and more and more its hard to feel like i have a best friend anymore. its partially my fault for holding resentment against her and just letting it fester but im sure if i bring it up shes gonna whip out her best arguing skills which i have none of and make me feel not so valid. i was telling her i was stressed out about our show last night bc at the time i didnt know how i was gonna get home and i was really hoping she’d offer me a ride because in less than a heartbeat id do it for her but all she said was be careful out there text me updates which was nice i guess but idk i was expecting more.

it hurts so bad because in all my friendships regardless of how long ive met them if i feel a strong connection id die for them and no one feels that way for me except maybe one person but also idk if she’s genuine. maybe it’s because i have trust issues or quiet bpd lol.

i always feel like pushing everyone away and disappearing for a year like serena on gossip girl but that isnt very realistic. it just sucks because in friendships i bring so much to the table and no one seems to care as much as i do.

even on my friendiversary with my best friend she didnt seem to care, id ask so many questions about our friendship like favorite moments and stuff like that and her response is always idk. another thing that i hold on to is how on her 21 birthday i was like lets all say our fave things about her and when i said mine she just smiled but when our other friend whose her other bff basically said the same thing as me she screamed and jumped across the table to hug her and it felt idk degrading idk if thats the right word.

i think ill just do what im best at slowly pulling away. its so painful when she says shell always be there for me but if i send a text saying explicitly that im struggling she skips right over it and changes the topic. she wont even cuddle with me which isnt the hugest deal among everything obviously but it’s important to me and she seems grossed out whenever i even touch her hand yet shes so touchy with everyone else.

quick topic switch, i have a call back for a job on tuesday, hopefully they actually call me. my dads been so evil about the band and me not going to school or being employed but its a discussion we have so so so often and he never listens to me and hes never proud of me, all he gives a fuck about is himself and his wife and she doesnt even know the extent of his real personality in my opinion. but im manifesting this job bc its so close and i like the atmosphere and its heavy on selling merchandise and i can work on being more talkative to the public so idk itd be cool i guess.

sorry this entry is so fuckin long omg

[am-3w]

Holy hell its been a rough few days 😅

So we were planning a baby sprinkle for saturday afternoon, just a bbq, some games and a diaper raffle. Friday afternoon D stayed home with the kids while i ran a few errands for the party. I got home a little before 9. By 10 pm I was pretty crampy and uncomfortable but figured i just pushed myself a little much. By midnight i got in the bath to try to soothe some pain, by 1am I was vomiting back to back until 6am. I hadnt had anything in my stomach so i was just puking up water and stomach bile 🤢

I went into L&D and then gave me fluids and said "you must have food poisioning and youre really dehydrated". Well yeah, i havent kept anything down in 10+ hours by that point. They told me to come back if i still cant drink in 24 hours.

I went home and did nothing but sleep, take hot baths and take Tylenol for the next 24 hours. When itd get to 1 1/2 to 2 hours before i could take more tylenol Id literally be shaking and crying. I told D Id take the epidural now if i could 😂. Went back to L&D and they scolded me for "still being dehydrated" even though thats why i was there? They sent me home with a perscription of zofran.

Called my OB on monday and a nurse wrote me off on the phone and said "its probabaly just food poisioning" again. 🙃 but we scheduled an appointment with a midwife for Tuesday.

Tuesday I go in, i can barely walk, im shaky, pale, at this point i literally felt like i was dying.

The midwife talks to me and says theres no way its still food poisioning especially because i stopped puking two days prior. I mentioned my stomach has felt like ive had a 4 day long contraction and when she tries to feel my stomach I literally burst into tears, it hurts so badly. She thinks I injured my stomach muscles from throwing up so much, along with off setting my pelvis and she could bet the pain i was feeling was my hips pulling apart simiarly to how they do in active labor 🙃. She perscibed some muscle relaxers, ive only taken two doses and am in half the pain I was in before. I also couldn't eat anything in those 4 days because of the pain and dropped 10 lbs.

Hey people, maybe try listening when someone tries to tell you something is wrong with their body??

[taevayu]

HII TAE it’s been awhile, I hope you’re doing okay!! how’s life & school? ready for winter break if you have it soon/around the corner? will you do anything for christmas(ik a little early asking lol but still)? I hope you’re doing well and I wish you well! I LOVE YOUR NEW THEME BTW!! question of the day: your favorite weather & season? - 📝 anon

hi omg :,0 its been so long im crying

this will be really long so dont feel like you have to read it all... but i just have stuff to say so yah!!

---

i just got back from a weekend trip (yes! today! now!) :D !! it was fun, never been there until recently. super overwhelming. didnt do much bc mainly i was there for some charity event. (if i say anything more about it i think it will be really obvious where i was...)

and honestly today was a really bad day.... i didnt know what ws up with my life anymore... but im really happy now because im back on tumblr and i am already comforted by how much my blog has grown when i was away <3

i missed school on friday so thats great, dont know what will happen tomorrow but i guess ill have to make up assignments and at least one quiz. especially my history group proj which im sorta stressed out about (i dont have the best group and its due this tuesday, we all have to submit it together). so after this, ill definitely get down to making up on my part, i slept a lot in the car so ill be staying up late getting ready for tomorrow.

i cant wait for winter break!!! have to wait for like... 12 more days? gross. i dont wanna be at school. the 23rd is when it starts! (idk when ill go back to school, maybe on jan 2nd-3rd) im going ice skating with some friends and ill be with my cousins on new years (and i was just with them on the trip... ive been hanging out with them A LOT this year).

dw ur not early about this,, im not sure if im doing anything super special for xmas though AHAHAHHAHA-- we havent even decorated our tree yet for the past few days, but soon we will cuz we got lights :)) I DONT FEEL LIKE ITS XMAS SOON THOUGH, i just cant feel it yet... and ive been way in the mood last year. currently dying cuz i have to buy stuff for my friends and i cant figure out when i can be able to do it... its fun for me but idk im just having a really bad time HAHAHHAHAH

tysmm though, didnt know id need someone to rant to this bad- (and ig ill keep this theme around for a while mostly cuz im lazy and its moderate. nothing much planned so ye) hey, i hope youre doing okay though! feel free to talk abt anything about you !! hows your life, school and stuff? winter break? xmas plans???

aotd: umm honestly im not too picky, as long as it isnt super cold or super hot. one scene could be like: warm weather, a little bit of sun, clouds. snow days are great too! i love the idea of being inside (not outside id freeze to death), hot cocoa, cuddling around the fire. rain is nice. fog = yum.

i also like autumn! or like winter. or maybe the transition in between summer and autumn, or autumn and winter. like when you dont know what season it really is anymore...

im trying to not be as sensitive to the cold asm :o

(what about you? fav weather + season? let me know!)

-- tae

[worldofbryant]

February 16, 2018

Excuses, excuses, excuses! I've tried everything to spend some time with Monique today. Hell, i even offered to pay for mom's way to bingo tonight so Monique can come over but, she's got 'too much to do at her house'. Ever since we started talking, I've been over to Monique's 3 times(last time being the 15th of last month) but, Romera is home so i understand solely on that part. I just hope that Monique doesn't run her mouth to mom about me being able to pay her way to bingo anytime this weekend. I don't know what was in the air today but, today was absolutely amazing! Getting back to the subject of my mother. Last Saturday, she calls me while im at work and asks me to buy her some cigarettes( i was clocking out). I got mad instantly and sped to get her some cigarettes and when i got back to knights inn, i threw them at her(in her direction...not at her). Loudly, i told her, ' ive tried to be nice with you about calling me at work' but, she's too dumb to understand. She said she wouldn't ask me any more to buy her any smokes. We both know that she'll screw up before year's end. Now on to Daphne...supposedly she's grounded from her phone for 3 weeks for acting up in school. Daphne has allegedly been throwing paper in class and dressing in revealing clothes. How did i know about all this? From Daphne's juvenile officer and...Destiny. I don't get why you're involved this( i do but you ought to know your place). Sue( Daphne's juvie officer), isn't this intimidating or threatening like Gwen made her out to be. I even told Sue that Gwen said that Id be intimidated by her( sue laughed). Really mother? You ask me about what am i going to do about Hannibal? As I've told your dumbass before(just got through telling you 5 minutes ago), that getting back to Daphne is my main goal( do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?). There's nothing here in South Bend( not even Monique). You've been so focused on mine and her friendship/relationship and have been jealous of it and i know when you just asked me about Hannibal, i know that you was implying that Monique would be the reason for me to stay here. That's why i don't like having a conversation with you because you can't retain the information long enough to remember anything that's being told to you. I've told you, i repeat myself to idiots( you being one of them). I told mom too to call Hannibal Housing Authority Tuesday and see where she's at( she'll do it too). So, until either the housing authority or my job lets me know about my transfer request, you don't need to worry about moving to Hannibal( you get what I'm saying mom?). I'm gonna try to take a short nap and let my phone charge...until the next entry journal app

[namuneulbo]

week eighteen

this was a good week !!!!!!!!!! like it was a v normal week but my mental health has been good !!!!!!!!!

id say wednesday and thursday were quite eh but the rest was good.

nothing special happened on monday.

on tueday i had missed a bit of band practice since it clashed w my theory class. if i had known band practice started at 9:30 and not 10:30 like it said on the timeable i wouldve just skipped theory lol anyways came half an hour late to practice but we didnt have a drummer anyways so we practiced wo drums.

i also got my new pfp for my student card sent in on tuesday so i finally got a new one thats way better than the old/first one. ive been struggling to get good pics for it for a whileeeee but now i have an alright one woopwoop

wednesday! quite eh! we had an interesting lecture and it did inspire me in some ways or another. the highlight though was the concert in the evening. me, l and s went to see it since me and ls friends were in one of the three mini concerts. they were doing backing vocals!! theirs was the last of the three and it was the best one in my opinion. they did rock so it was more entertaining to watch than the slow songs that both of the first two ones had. also! loml was performing and i didnt know so i was pleasantly surprised haha

i dont remember shit from thursday but it wasnt good.

fridayyyyy! i didnt meet up w anyone. my mom was working in the evening so i offered to go grocery shopping and so i did and then i watched queendom 2.

on saturday t had their bday party for their 18th. the theme was to dress up as something beginning w the letter t so i dressed up as a 2014 tumblr girl lol the fault in our stars as a handheld accessory and all. my mom had apparently sent a pic to my sister and she immediately got what i was dressed as haha i was dressed a thief, m was dressed as a tiger and t was dressed as tommi lalli.

i had alcohol for the first time. ive tasted it a few times before but i had my first full drink of it. it was a small glass of champagne. it was alright ig? nothing id buy for my own pleasure lol

we also bleached my hair at the party. well, ‘bleached’, i had accidentally gotten lightener and not bleach... it did lighten it up a lot though so when i used the bleach i got after stopping by the store on my way home it looked really good. i bleached my eyebrows for the first time and i really like the results!!!11!!1!!1

i had planned to meet up w l and her friend group in the evening to go out to eat but since i needed to bleach my hair last minute i didnt really have time to so me and my mom stopped by mcdonalds (omg did the el maco hit differently) and had that before bleaching my hair. i wouldnt have been able to arrive in time for the meetup. m later asked to hang out and i considered it but ended up not going. i stayed home and ended up stanning nine.i during the three hours i spent on youtube, i listened to their debut album a few days ago and fell in love w their sound bc they have brought back the sound ive been missing for so long. id describe it as like,,, seventeen and early the boyz kind of sound??? its so good. i havent learned all the members fully yet bc im so bad at remembering names but im getting there lol i was so glad to see edward avila had made a video w them since hes one of my fav youtubers !!!!!!! anyways, atm seowon, joohyung and minjun are a lot on my mind. i have no idea who my bias will be though or if ill even ever get one since i tend to not get biases very easily but ya!!!!! im a mine.i now!!!!!!!

anyways, the reason i specified i spent three (3) hours on yt is bc l messaged me and asked if i wanted to join them and her friends in town for a bit and after having rested for a bit i thought it would be fun so i did. we didnt do a lot but now that ive had my first official alcoholic drink i didnt mind asking for a sip from ls drink. it tasted like shit though lol

today i slept in. i had an alarm for inkigayo but i ended up going back to sleep bc i had already apparently missed some and i was so tired. i got up around 1:30 in the afternoon, had lunch/dinner and also snacked on some chips while watching minhyuk and hyungwon on inssaoppa. ive been really obsessed w those videos and im always so excited when a new ones released. then i did math homework while watching kpop stuff.

sotw: loona - kiss later

[lizzyverydizzyyo]

D.E.A.N | Chapter 7 - Revelation

Masterlist and overall summary of the whole novel is here. | Prompt on trope-appreciation-tuesdays that inspired this is here. | @whumptober-archive

Fandom : Original Work

(I) (II) (III) (IV) (V) (VI) (VII) (VIII) (IX) (X) (XI) (XII) (XIII) (XIV) (XV) (XVI) (XVII) (XVIII) (XIX) (XX) (XXI) (XXII) (XXIII) (XXIV) (XXV) (XXVI) (XXVII) (XXVIII) (XXIX) (XXX) (XXXI - END)

AO3

A/N sorry for the long delay of update, but life was, uh, happening and my laptop also broke, but here is two updates for you guys (with chapter 8) as a celebration for ides of march where stabby stabby happened and whump update seems like the perfect celebration

Wordcount: ± 3247

TW : Slight Mention of Homophobia, Discussion of Underage Sexual Assault (noncon), Discussion of Human Trafficking, Discussion of Kidnapping

To distract themselves and try to be productive, the team tries to discuss and solidify some future plan and tactic. They end up discovering more about the tragic fate of their now rescue instead.

Whumptober 2021 Tropes:

Day Alt. 23 — Regret

Day Alt. 26 — Tragedy

This story is set in the last half of 2016.

------

When the team discusses some plans or scant intel from tactical intelligence team in routine meeting, everyone can feel the unsaid tense feeling and deep worry for their now rescued captive.

“Okay, we’re scared for him. He is dying. Can we move on and discuss the matter at hand now?” Anderson finally snaps.

“What matter at hand, exactly? It’s not like tactical intelligence has something new for us,” Luke bites back with just as much sharpness.

“At least, actually discuss it. Maybe looking at the information we currently have in different way can give us some vague plan.”

“And how to discuss it properly, oh the smart one?” Anna replies this time.

“Shut the fuck up, you bitch. All you do is just be cynical and sarcastic.”

“Maybe if everyone stops being a little bitch themselves and hovering over our oh-so-fragile informant, then I’ll stop being a bitch.”

“He’s our rescue now. How many times do I have to tell you?” Horace says while massaging his temples.

“No, he fucking isn’t. You’re all just naïve.”

Mark can’t take her cynicism anymore and leans forward in his seat.

“Do I need to fucking slam your face to the fucking screen of his MRI result so that you get it in your thick skull, Anna?” he starts with the most venomous voice he can conjure up.

“He has numerous signs of years of extreme physical abuse, even months old injuries—and you know he’s only been with us in less than a fucking month—that are still there, either healing or still permanently damaging his body,” he punctuates each of his words with raging fury filling his eyes.

“What else do you fucking want, huh? His torture footage? Or is that just gonna make you think he is so loyal to them that he was willing to be tortured for their amusement?”

Anna looks back at him sharply, although he can tell there is humiliation buried under there.

“Just… let’s just leave out discussion about him for now, please,” Lena finally says with desperate voice.

“Then stop toeing around our important discussion just because you’re all attached to our stray rescue pet.”

“Anna, I swear to god—”

“Mark, sit down.”

Luke bellows.

“Why the fuck did he choose you to be the next deputy commanding officer? You have no fucking soul,” he still bites back at Anna.

“Why the fuck did he choose you at all to be here, you naïve asshole? Oh, that’s right. Because he fucked your mom.”

Mark rises again towards Anna with his fists balled up on his sides. Luke immediately rises too with George to hold him back.

“No wonder we all constantly get stumped by Helga. You’re all fucking children,” Anderson murmurs.

“Look, uh, maybe we can look through what he said to us before he got sick. Victim or ex-member, he might still have valuable information,” George unsurely chips in.

Luke exhales.

“Well, all he said is that he didn’t know anything, that he was kept in his… ‘pen’” Luke cringes, “when they weren’t using him, and he was with them for over three years. Basically since he was kidnapped,” he says dejectedly.

“Use as in getting fucked, probably, so that isn’t important.”

Everyone stares at Anderson sharply.

“What? People are queer, even criminals. He might be their taste so he was kept as permanent pet.”

“Can you not,” Horace rubs the bridge of his nose, “be so crass? For once?”

“I’m just saying.”

“So gay people are predator, is that what you’re saying, Andy?” Mark asks pointedly.

Anderson holds his hands up in surrender. “Sorry, I guess that’s homophobic.”

George looks deep in thought, then like a metaphorical lamp is suddenly light up in his brain, he straightens up.

“Maybe he was used for something else.”

Everyone rolls their eyes.

“No, I mean it. Do we know if he has any specialized skill? Or connection to someone important?”

For once, everyone looks willing to engage, if a little bit hesitant.

“Look, all this time, we have never seen any connection between the kids they took. Mostly because we weren’t sure it’s them who kidnapped these victims. But also,” he looks to the side as he considers his next point, “all of the victims seem random. All age, at least between 15 and 20, all race, all gender, all nationality and residency status, all locations, states, countries even. Basically, from all walks of life. Some of them ended up found dead, but most of them aren’t ever seen again.”

“Your point being?” Luke asks tiredly.

“What if these kids were chosen specifically for something? Physical attributes, strength, medical history? Or even skill?”

“Nick might be a fluke.”

“Yes, maybe. But maybe there are others like him, the ones who are kept around by Helga for a long time. So for what exactly? If they’re not the norm, what makes them different? And if they turn out to be the norm for Helga’s victims, why? What are they using these kids for?”

Anderson rolls his eyes and opens his mouth, but George beats him to it.

“Yes, yes, I know. Most likely for sexual slavery, but Helga is more complicated than that. Maybe they are used for sexual slavery, but when they are not used for that, what are they used for, on the side?”

All around him, the freckled man sees that everyone is genuinely considering what he says.

“How was he before Helga got to him?” Don asks finally.

“Well… it’s not like the missing person profile is detailing his MBTI or love language and shit,” Luke chimes in.

“But what about his online presence? Social media has been booming since late 2000s. Maybe he has some accounts. He was 17 when he went missing, right? That’s the age when kids like to be social online.”

Mark turns around on his seat to look at his laptop, going to hidden mode like the usual protocol when D.E.A.N agents go online.

“What’s his profile name? Should we just google him?” Horace asks over his shoulder.

Mark puts in ‘Nikolai Khiem Belyaev’ on the search bar and clicks enter.

The first few results are unfortunately about the many articles covering him as a missing kid, linking him to the wave of other missing persons happening lately.

One headline catches his eyes, so he clicks it.

Computer Science Prodigy Missing, Adding Another to The List of Young Bright Minds Taken Away Too Soon

On the top of the article is a picture taken in seemingly a site for a competition. Teenager Nick is on the forefront holding a medal that’s looped over his neck as he is sporting a smiley and smug face.

He keeps reading the article, as does everyone who looks over his shoulder.

February 20th, 2013

As with the wave of missing young people that has been happening for months, the young Vietnamese-Russian descent coding genius is now the newest victim since two days before Valentine’s day this year. Supposedly meeting with a friend that evening, Nikolai Khiem Belyaev never showed up to the agreed location in the nearest fast-food franchise location, says his friend initialed VL.

Nikolai Belyaev, a prodigy in programming, having won first place in countless programming and robotic competitions from county to international levels, has been reported missing by his parents after he did not come home for three days. The 17-year-old is supposed to join the fall matriculation quarter in Stanford after getting his Early Decision letter of acceptance last year in December.

“So, he is smart, good for him,” Anna quips in sarcastically.

Mark rolls his eyes without responding.

“Fellow alumni too with you, Mark, if he didn’t join Helga,” she adds again.

“Shut up,” everyone says in return.

“He was supposed to go to college this year. He already applied for financial aids too. He said he wanted to go to Stanford for years but doesn’t want us to be too burdened. It’s almost a week now, and he isn’t home yet,” his mother told our reporter tearfully as she was interviewed two days ago in their residence in Oregon.

Mark skims over the next few paragraphs as they don’t contain useful information other than some standard he is a happy-go-lucky kid or he is a good kid and maybe even he had so much potentials peppered in.

He immediately skips to the telephone number for people who want to give tips to the authority or his family.

Not useful.

They are definitely not contacting his parents. There is no way Helga isn’t keeping track of them and not notice non-civilian calling them.

“There is not social media username,” George says dejectedly.

“Wait, let me scroll down further.”

He clicks ‘back’ and scrolls down further the list of articles aggregated by the search engine.

For three pages, those are all there is on the search result list, but Mark keeps clicking next page until he finally reaches the ones not about his missing status.

It’s a twitter account named @NickyBoo with over 2000 followers.

“Is that him?” Horace questions.

Mark clicks on the profile picture to enlarge the image.

Though younger and a little chubbier looking, it’s definitely their Nick.

“Gotcha,” he whispers.

“He has lots of followers. I guess he was pretty popular, huh?” Luke points out casually.

“Probably morbidly curious or sympathetic people following his account after he went missing,” someone else, Mark doesn’t pay attention who, replies to Luke.

Out of curiosity, he opens another tab and goes to a site that usually keeps track of the statistics for people’s social media accounts. He enters Nick’s username and clicks enter.

“Uh, no. He was already popular before that. He had 1400ish followers before February 12th 2013,” Mark says, then he goes back to the tab showing Nick’s social media profile again.

He scrolls down the profile, seeing what Nick was up to, trying to get to the oldest possible post.

“Stop, not too far back.”

He stops scrolling and looks at his commanding officer then back to the screen.

It's predictably filled with teenager musings like how his parents suck, that he is bored, what music and bands he likes, or some insults thrown here and there towards people he doesn’t like.

“What’s the point? There is nothing important there,” Don says cynically.

“No, wait, wait scroll back a little.”

Mark tries to scroll back slowly to see what Luke saw.

“It’s his winning photo for that robotic competition. It was in that article. What’s so special about it?” Anna says rudely.

“How old was he there? That’s a national competition, right?”

Mark minimizes the encrypted browser and brings up D.E.A.N database program instead to see the missing person profiles again. He clicks back until he gets to Nick’s profile, another wave of guilt and cold sensation passing through him.

They look at the information there for a while to count back the birthday as it wasn’t included in the profile, only the age when he went missing.

“Oh, fuck. We’re all going to hell,” Luke mutters dejectedly after a while.

Mark furrows his eyebrows in confusion before blanching in the same realization.

“Oh my god, he turned 21 when we were beating him up.”

He hears Lena horrifyingly says as he, too, counts back to the day Nick was found and the day he supposedly turned 21. It was August 3rd and August 7th respectively.

“That’s… that’s rough. He should be going to bars for the first time instead of bleeding out in our dingy cell,” George says pitifully.

“It’s, well, it’s done. We can’t—” Horace sighs, “Well, we can’t turn back time. We’ll just give him cake when he is recovered.”

Mark doesn’t think it is equal to everything they’ve done to Nick, especially on his birthday, but he hopes Nick likes cake anyway.

“Okay, how old was he in that picture?” Angie says, trying to get everyone out of their regretful musing.

The date of the post says November 15th 2010.

“15? Already national champion?”

“Many kids won earlier. He isn’t special,” Anna quips in again, much to everyone’s irritation.

“There is another one less than a month later,” Mark points out absently as he looks at the picture and the caption.

Suck it Massachusetts. Better luck next time lol

Below is a picture of teenager Nick finger-gunning the camera with one raised eyebrow in smug face as he stands beside a certificate saying that he won first place in a national coding competition.

“He certainly isn’t humble about it,” George points out.

“Sounds annoying as hell, true,” Anna responds.

“You’re biased. You aren’t allowed to have opinion on his character,” Mark retorts.

“You have a crush on him or something?”

Mark rolls his eyes.

He scrolls up again to see newer posts, mostly showing pictures of him on competition sites with smug and arrogant face, complete with annoying sounding captions. He is not going to lie, he does feel a little irritated by younger and naïve Nick. That is, until he stumbles upon one that he misses when he scrolled back before.

It's from September 23rd, 2011.

Lmao Pentagon suckass. Yall need to fire your IT guys

Below that is a picture of boyish Nick from the side of the frame, looking like he is cheekily poking in with his head into the frame, while behind him is a computer screen showing lines of codes and the unmistakably unique UI of Pentagon network. Some of the lines and other parts of the picture are scrubbed out haphazardly with a feature reminiscent of classic Microsoft Paint.

The next day, there is string of posts from Nick.

FBI guys just came into my house and now my parents grounded me hahahaha

they really think they can stop me with their garbage security kiss my ass xoxo

(im kidding dont jail me mister fbi)

“You know what? I’m thinking he definitely deserves to be kidnapped. Otherwise, I’m gonna punch that little shit myself,” Don retorts with irritation.

“Were you not an asshole little shit when you were 16?” Luke shoots back at the bald man.

“I didn’t air out my assholery to the entire world like this.”

“That’s because you’re a baby boomer, you fucking dinosaur,” Mark retorts back this time, clearly hitting a sore spot in the heart of the 40ish year old Navy veteran.

“Look, he may be an asshole, but he still bypassed Pentagon security at 16. That’s gotta mean something,” Mary points out.

It's true. It definitely shows that Nick wasn’t an ordinary 16-year-old. And maybe still not an ordinary 21-year-old now.

He continues scrolling up, seeing again the teenage musings he saw before (now with slight annoyance as he started to notice how aggravating teenage-Nick could be at times) until he sees another post that immediately pulls his attention.

On September 1st 2012, Nick posted a picture of him exaggeratedly presenting a framed certificate with his hands. The certificate says ECSA. Above the picture says a caption:

yo @Apple hit me up

“You sure that’s ECSA?” Anderson immediately leans forward over everyone else now that a serious cybersecurity topic pulls his attention.

It’s no question as Anderson is the only one in the team given a choice to either be in tactical intelligence department or offensive department when he was first picked as D.E.A.N agent. Which means he has both the brain and the brawn.

In terms of cyber system prowess—as annoying as he is sometimes—he does surpass all of them despite all agents being given intermediate training in cybersecurity and system penetration skill, regardless of what department they are, just like how all agents are given at least intermediate combat and marksmanship training along with intermediate first aid skill and knowledge.

Maybe that’s just how IT experts are. Pretty annoying.

“Yeah, it says ECSA,” Mark says.

“Not CEH?”

“No. It does say ECSA.”

Anderson widens his eyes. “At 17?”

“Yeah. I mean if that’s legit.”

“But aren’t underage kids not allowed to take the exam?” Lena questions.

“They can if they get permission from their parents and recommendation letter from an accredited university,” Anderson explains again, all while he snatches the mouse from Mark (and earning a frown from him) and zooms in the picture.

“He was still in high school, though.”

“Maybe he was taking additional college level classes usually offered to ambitious kids in several universities. Or community colleges,” Anderson absently replies, his hand quickly scrolling up and down the screen and quickly typing on the keyboards.

The screen flits around so fast, too fast for Mark to follow, if he is being honest, until it eventually ends up in database full of names and other information that he doesn’t really get.

Anderson scrolls down until he gets to N then slowly scrolls down again.

“That’s his name. It’s legit.”

Anderson straightens up, his face looking awed, if hidden and pushed down a little. There is almost silent respect in his look.

“So, he is a programming prodigy.”

“Not just programming. It’s almost all skills needed in cyber security and system penetration for varying systems, network type, and OS, at professional level. Not everyone can pass that, not even all of NSA, let alone a 17-year-old kid,” Anderson explains again as a response to Lena.

Anderson goes back to the tab showing Nick’s twitter profile, absently scrolling up and down to see what’s more on there. One post around December 2012 shows Nick beaming as he presents his own laptop to the camera showing the aforementioned Early Decision letter of acceptance from Mark’s former undergraduate university. It’s then followed by another musing about how he just broke up with someone and was feeling a little lonely.

If Nick were to go there instead of getting kidnapped, Mark might have had the chance to meet him there while he was still in college as he was of class 2015 and Nick would have been of class 2017. Hell, they might even be in the same faculty of engineering. Nick would have had his commencement next year.

Funny and tragic how it turned out for the heterochromatic-eyed boy.

“Helga wouldn’t pass that up,” Mark says in realization.

“Wait, there is another tweet from him back then.”

It’s now entering the year of 2013 on Nick’s twitter profile, and Lena points at a particular post.

there are some truly weird ass and twisted people out there, especially on the deep web damn

It was posted on 5th of February, a week before he went missing.

Something tells him, Nick might have stumbled upon something he shouldn’t have seen, his teenage arrogance leading him to a place where he realized he was in over his head.

It is followed by normal teenager musings next, this time a little less annoying and more… subdued, somehow.

The last post he made is from 11th of February 2013.

really nervous about this lol, really hoping this works out cuz i miss holding someone’s hand

And then it’s over. There is no more post from him at all from then on.

Of course, they all know why now. It’s because Nick was taken by Helga the next day when he was about to go on what sounded like a date.

They all turn to each other in common realization.

“So that’s why Helga took him?”

Without getting answer, Horace understands it anyway, as does everyone else in the room.

Helga hit a jackpot with Nick.

***

(I) (II) (III) (IV) (V) (VI) (VII) (VIII) (IX) (X) (XI) (XII) (XIII) (XIV) (XV) (XVI) (XVII) (XVIII) (XIX) (XX) (XXI) (XXII) (XXIII) (XXIV) (XXV) (XXVI) (XXVII) (XXVIII) (XXIX) (XXX) (XXXI - END)

[officialspec]

it feels strange to have all your struggles concentrated into something that someone else can say "same" about, i think because there is always unspoken context and the experiences are unique in a way that cannot transfer to another person

yeah thats definitely one thing but i feel like the way i phrased it was a bit reductive??? its not so much about 'lol same' as like,, i was gonna make a comic about this but that probably wont happen so. anecdote time

last year i started disassociating for the first time. it was really terrifying because i didnt know yet what was going on; i started losing memories, parts of my identity, sometimes i would have delusions at the same time? there was a lot else going on as well but tldr it was a really disorienting few months, i ended up losing all of the friendships i had built irl at the time and it still kinda feels like i woke up one day in december with a handful of blurry memories and nothing else. i ended up going to a crisis centre and im working on processing the traumas that caused it but it was fucking nightmarish to experience and still is when im not doing well mentally

despite all that though, the worst part was a conversation i had not long after the crisis centre told me i was disassociating. i was talking about it to a friend (no one who'll see this lol) and as soon as i got through a basic description of how id felt their eyes lit up and they asked 'is that what that is?? because ive done that FOREVER and i didnt know it was a thing!!! thats so cool!!!' and i have never felt worse in my LIFE

like if that is genuinely something they experience then im glad they found the language to describe it but they seemed so. excited?? relieved??? and all i could think of was how agonising the last year had been and how scared and exhausted id felt when i found out what was happening to me and how much work id have to do to get past it, and finding out they'd not only apparently dealt with it longer but that it was such a light burden to them that they could feel anything positive about it at all was a bullet to the heart man

i felt like id spent the last year dragging my way out of hell by my fingernails and when i told someone about it they said they do it every tuesday afternoon for some light exercise. like either we're talking about different things or ive been doing something wrong. either way im about to give up and just start biting people