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key-to-the-shadow · 1 year

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Just An Act

Just An Act ~ Eddie Vedder X Fem!Reader

♫ trope: colleagues, tension tension tension, angst

♫ warnings: strong language, alcohol, drugs, angst, use of y/n, predetermined last name (poncier pronounced like pawn-see-a)

♫ words:

♫ a/n: loosely based on the movie 'singles'

Masterlist

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I wore my loose light-washed jean shorts over thin black stockings that had holes ripped all around them from the last gig we played. We were playing a small set today because there were about ten of the most popular Seattle Grunge bands playing tonight. Each band got four songs.

I pulled my hair up in a messy bun letting small strands of my hair out to frame my face. Having your hair in your face during a gig wasn't fun so I always needed it out of my way.

We were the first band up and I watched as the crowd began to grow.

"Hey, Y/N," Eddie walked up to me. I acknowledged him with a tilt of my head. "You good with this set?" He asked handing me a crumpled sheet of printer paper with messy black ink scrawled onto it.

I looked over the song choices.

We would open with Garden, personally my favorite, then Given to Fly, Why Go, and then finally close with Go.

It was a pretty solid set. "Yeah, this is good."

I've known Eddie for a very long time. We were neighbors as kids and he and my older brother Cliff were best friends. When Cliff and I moved out and into an apartment, Eddie moved into the apartment right next to us.

Eddie used to be the drummer of my brother's band, Citizen Dick, but the band eventually decided to part ways because my brother wanted to work on solo stuff for the moment. We were all still close and still lived next door.

When the band split up, Eddie asked if I wanted to be the second singer for his new band, Pearl Jam. I agreed. I was good at harmonizing and writing lyrics and he was good at creating melodies.

"Well we're up," he says after a few more minutes of warming up. I nodded in agreement as the crowd was practically deadly at this point. People occupied every open space. "Good luck," He says, pressing a hand to the small of my back. A chill crept up my spine at the contact.

I was wearing a short-cropped black wife beater that I has cut myself. His hand was touching my bare back. Skin on skin.

"Thanks, you too," I shot him a smile before we walked on stage. Matt, Stone, and Jeff were already on stage which caused the crowd to already be pumped up.

When they saw Eddie and me, screams erupted from everyone. I didn't like to admit it but when every music magazine says that the two of you are the definition of sex appeal it was hard to ignore that some of the fans in the crowd looked at you and Eddie with lust in their eyes.

There had been many times that rumors had been spread that Eddie and I had been dating or at least hooking up. Pictures had been taken, completely out of context in every way, where Eddie was hugging me around the waist. Granted his hands were a little low and my hands were curled into his hair but it was always in a platonic way. It was right after a concert where I'd completely screwed up multiple songs and I had a panic attack right after the show.

Maybe it didn't help that while we were performing we wrapped arms around each other but I think that's pretty understandable. Again, we have known each other for like twenty years.

The stage smelled like old weed and alcohol but it was something that I'd become accustomed to.

After Eddie introduced us, we kicked off the first song. Garden. I loved the mystery this song brings about. I let Eddie sing the first verse along and I joined in when the chorus hit, letting our voices crescendo which made the crowd scream and pump their hands in the air.

His voice went as deep as it could and I went as high as I comfortably could which made the contrast of our voices reverberate off the walls melodically.

The second and third songs did just as well and then we got to the last song.

We gave the cue to the band that was coming up after us to begin to set up as we started our song.

I would never admit to Eddie how his voice in "Go" makes me feel.

This was another song that I didn't sing until the chorus but it gave me time to appreciate his voice.

While he started singing, I walked to the edge. of the stage, letting eager hands claw at me. I didn't let them touch my legs but I crouched down and let them touch my hand.

A girl who looked as though she was crying with happiness passed me a white tee shirt with our logo printed on it. I took a sharpie out of my back pocket, biting the top of it off before scrawling my name on the cotton, leaving a small heart next to my name.

She screamed in hysterics when I passed it back to her.

"Suppose I abuse you, just passing it on," Eddie sang as he watched me interact with the crowd. I knew that as I crouched, my shorts rode up, showing even more of my legs than they already were. "Go," Eddie screamed with the band. "Fuck." This was just one part of the song that made me cave in on myself. His voice quivered when he sang that one-syllable word. It shouldn't make me think about what it would be like if the rumors were true If Eddie and I were in fact more than just partners.

I stood up, neglecting to adjust my shorts again. I pretended not to notice Eddie's eyes scan me.

I put a slight swing into my hip as I raised the mic. "Please," I sang, dragging out the syllable in a deprived way. "Don't go on me." Careful not to go too far for fear that my brother might be in the crowd somewhere, ready to jump Eddie, I stared up at the curly-haired boy. He took a hand and moved some of his long hair out his face, never missing a beat in the music.

After the guitar solo, Eddie sang a few more words until my next favorite part. I guess he caught on to the desperation that I'd put into my voice, no matter how fake it was.

"Please, please please," He sounded like he was practically begging at this point as he stepped closer to me. There was a thin line that we had always drawn in the sand and we both knew not to cross it. Eddie was getting dangerously close to that line.

It was just an act.

The rest of the song should have just been Eddie singing "Don't go on me" for the next couple of measures with me singing "Please" in the empty spaces.

That was until he decided to change up the lyrics.

"Don't go on me," He sang with a rasp in his voice. He took another step closer. Just an act.

"Please," I followed his lead but my heart fell when he placed a callosed hand in the space between my neck and shoulder. His fingers played with the small strands of hair that had fallen out of my bun.

"Don't you want me?" I opened my mouth, ready to sing my line again but I faltered. His blue eyes were boring into mine. Seriousness was written on his face.

He crossed the line.

It was no longer just an act.

He's changed the lyrics, insinuating that there is something unspoken between us. And the crowd believed it now. If the news articles didn't convince them, then something like this at a live show would.

Anger bubbled in my throat. I counted the seconds until the song was over for when I could grab Eddie and drag him off that stage.

When the guitars finally faded, the crowd erupted in cheers. I gave Eddie the moment to thank the crowd for coming and told them to make some noise for Alice in Chains.

I grabbed his wrist and yanked him as hard as I could. He stumbled as he followed me.

"Y/N what are you doing?" He asked but I didn't respond.

We walked until we heard the guitar and drums of Alice in Chains pick up with their song It Aint Like That.

I pulled him into a corner where there was no one around. The only sound was the distant beat of the music.

"What the hell was that?" I spat, pushing him back with the palms of my hands. His reaction made me angrier.

He let out a soft laugh. "You're making that face."

I scoffed before pulling in a sharp breath. "What face?" I seethed.

"That one you make when you're caught liking something you shouldn't."

"I don't make a face."

"You're doing it right now," He says, drawing a circle around my face with his finger. "The one where your mouth is slightly open and before you say anything you have to scoff or roll your eyes or something."

My face heats up as I shut my mouth, realizing that it was open at that moment.

"Well you're wrong," I counter. "I didn't like it. Would you have done it if Cliff were here?"

At the mention of my brother his face shifts. "Probably not but he's not-"

"No, he's not here. But you know who is? Our fans. News reporters. Photographers. They all post things that Cliff will see!"

"And what if he does?"

"Are you fucking serious? We both know Cliff would fucking kill us."

He shrugs, making a dramatic roll with his head. "And who cares?"

"You don't care what my brother thinks?" I cross my arms, leaning into my hip.

"No," He responds blankly. "I care what you think. What did you think, Y/N?" He steps forward.

I let out a snippy laugh. "I think you're a massive dick."

A smile curves the corner of his lips. His hand comes towards my face and his thumb pushes the bottom of my chin until my mouth closes again. I thank the dim lighting and black walls that conceal how bright my face is.

His hand doesn't leave my face. His fingers just move behind my neck like they did on stage. The very notion that pissed me off beyond belief.

"Cliff doesn't have to know."

The closer he gets to me, the more his fingers burn at my neck. He towers over me, his brown hair falling into his face as he scans my eyes for any hint of emotion.

I don't know what I feel.

Don't you want me?

The question he indirectly asked repeated in my head as he stared at me. I hadn't even realized that my back was now up against a wall and that his free hand was resting lazily on my waist.

"If Cliff finds out..." My voice trailed off as his grip on me tightened.

"Hmm?" He questioned softly.

I met his eyes and a confident surge forced me to flicker my glance to his lips. He took it as permission to close the seemingly neverending space between us. His rough lips found mine and I was sure I would've collapsed if he wasn't holding me up. I breathed heavily against him as his lips trailed to my neck.

"Fuck," I closed my eyes as he left a bruise on my neck. The vibration of the noises he made against my skin made me want to cry.

"Y/N? Ed?" A familiar voice of our drummer, Matt, was heard around the corner. I pushed Eddie off of me but it was too late. Matt saw. "Holy shit," He laughed. "I fucking knew it."

"You don't tell Cliff, understood?" I said with the strongest voice I could muster. He threw his arms up in defense.

"Got it, boss." He turned on his heels and he left the way he came.

I rubbed my eyes with my palms in embarrassment.

"Here," Eddie shrugged off his flannel and passed it to me. "Might want to cover that up," He nodded towards the bruise on my neck.

"Fucking hilarious, Vedder." I snatched it and flung it around my shoulders.

"I'll drive you home, come on." I followed the boy out the back doors of the bar to the apartment building.

#eddie vedder one shot #eddie vedder x reader #eddie vedder fanfic #eddie vedder pearl jam fanfic #pearl jam fanfic #band trope #music trope #x reader #fanfic

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a-clockwork-justice · 3 years

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Everything I Love About Loser Geek Whatever

So, not too long ago, it was the third birthday of Loser Geek Whatever. Yes, I know the single was released on November 30th 2018 and its considered the song’s official birthday, but the 26th July three years ago was the first showing of the 2018 Off-Broadway revival of Be More Chill and the first time Loser Geek Whatever was shown to the world in any capacity. Therefore, I consider that day to be the song’s unoffical birthday and I’ve been waiting to write down everything I love about it so here I am. (This was originally gonna be posted on the 26th July but I can’t make anything concise so it took longer than that).

I’ve gone on and on about what Loser Geek Whatever means to me personally, how a slew of random chance introduce me to it, got me deep into Be More Chill, introduced me to 90% of my current friends, and overall up-ended my whole life, but now it’s time to dissect the song itself and why it’s so great. As much as I adore Loser Geek Whatever, it could’ve easily been any other song that threw me down a rabbit hole and that I could’ve latched onto- no, wait, it couldn’t have been, because Loser Geek Whatever is unique in that way. I did about a year of music at A-Level so I’m gonna delve into some of the technical aspects here too. I’m chronicling this mostly for myself so I am going as deep as I see fit because this song is a treasure hiding yet more treasures. If you happen to love Loser Geek Whatever as much as I do, this’ll be your goldmine.

So, grab a snack my fellow fans, because here’s a comprehensive list of everything to love about Loser Geek Whatever in roughly chronological order. Long post incoming:

The song starts off strong from the first millisecond - I don’t know what instrument(s) they used but just listen to the single version again - that opening chord blares at you like a siren. It calls for your attention, screaming this is incredibly important, and indeed it is. That chord, an F chord, has no indication as to whether it’s major or minor - it’s just the tonic F with its dominant C and another tonic F above it. In other words, it’s unresolved, it hangs in the air. From a narrative standpoint, Jeremy is at a crossroads, torn between giving into the SQUIP or staying loyal to Michael, and the music paints this. It has the same effect on both the single and album versions - I always hold my breath as it holds, it’s the gap in this crucial transition for Jeremy between who he was and him becoming something he isn’t.

To continue the thread of musical painting, the melody line contains the accidental E-flat which doesn’t belong to the key of F major. This once again illustrates Jeremy’s uncertainty, but there’s more - the whole introduction is a slowed-down version of the Apocalypse of the Damned theme from Two Player Game, arguably the point in the show when Michael and Jeremy’s relationship was at its strongest. Jeremy’s recalling everything he had with Michael, but the slowing down of the melody shows hesitancy, along with highlighting the accidental E flat. These latter points of course aren’t unique to Loser Geek Whatever - they’re also in the section of Upgrade that twins with Loser Geek Whatever. I’m just laying out why they work so well.

I’m glad I waited until after I saw the show in London to finish writing this - I’m something of a Loser Geek Whatever purist, as made clear by my ire at them cutting it in half and tacking the end of Upgrade back on for the London version. I still enjoyed the show in London though and I’m glad I knew about this change ahead of time, because they did change something about the song that I think really worked - they added two notes in the bass to each bar, like heartbeats, which once again signifies Jeremy’s uncertancy and the importance of this major turning point.

It’s been firmly established by this point that Jeremy is a loser and he knows it. He doesn’t want to be a hero, he just wants to survive, but there’s a difference between that and feeling “inconsequential.” Jeremy is basically admitting that, in his eyes, it doesn’t matter to the world or anyone except Michael if he even survives or not. He’s not just a loser, or a geek - he’s a whatever, with no one caring who he is. And he’s felt this way for years - since middle school began. He’s now in his Junior year of high school - that’s five years of being in this state of being unnoticed at best and picked on at worst. He’s “the one who’s left out”. With just one little line, hell, one word, we’re given more layers as to why he so badly wants to change that.

Moving from the first verse to the chorus, we start to see Jeremy’s attitude shift, from being sad to being angry - he’s frustrated, resentful that he’s spent so long in this state (A lot of people have made similar comparisons about Will Roland’s Jeremy as a whole in relation to Will Connolly’s Jeremy and I think this song exemplifies that). He doesn’t deserve to feel this horrible - not now and certainly not for the next two years until he and Michael can be “cool in college.” When you think about it, what options does he really have? He could either give into the SQUIP or reject it and go back to where he was, still miserable and lonely. Yes, he has Michael and Michael is an amazing, kind, loyal best friend, but as many have pointed out, he’s also dismissive of Jeremy’s feelings of inadequacy whether he means to be or not, which only made Jeremy feel more lonely. Should Jeremy just expect to feel better about himself at some point before college? He’s waited for years, why would that happen at any other point?

More layers baby! Second verse, Jeremy rants on about his father’s advice about following his own instincts and how it’s gotten him nowhere he wants to be. Come to think of it, Michael’s advice about staying the same and waiting for their environment to change can be seen as similar - it’s arguably easier for Michael as he has two loving mothers who undoutably give him plenty of positive reinforcement. Meanwhile, Jeremy’s mother has left them, which likely instilled further feelings of not being good enough, and his father has fallen apart to the point where he can’t even put pants on, let alone step up to take care of his son, meaning that Jeremy likely isn’t going to take his advice very seriously, especially after it’s failed him so thoroughly. But to Jeremy, the problem isn’t necessarily the advice itself - it’s that it’s being followed by him. So now he’s going to turn around and put his life and every choice in something else’s hands, even if - no, especially if it goes against his own instincts. It still doesn’t feel quite right, it “feels bizarre”, but it’s getting him somewhere, so it has to be right in the most meaningful capacity, and to Jeremy, the “most meaningful capacity” is any capacity that isn’t his own.

Now the best line - the one about being a “normal, handsome guy”. Let’s get this on the table - Jeremy is trans. Will Roland himself said that he often thinks of the show’s young trans fans when he sings that line. Naturally, societal transphobia plus gender dysphoria would have a pretty catestrophic effect on the self-esteem of any growing teenager, even more so one in Jeremy’s situation for the reasons I’ve just laid out. He’s probably missed out on a lot of things that “normal” guys take for granted, with most girls barely looking in his direction, let alone in any positive manner. Jeremy’s own sexuality aside, it’s mostly society, and the SQUIP by extension, that considers scoring with girls to be a “manly” or masculine activity, and through Brooke treating him as dateable material, Jeremy feels better about fitting into society’s rules of how a man should be and act. This isn’t the only reason he feels good about Brooke finding him attractive, of course, but it’s just another layer that Jeremy sees more value in conforming to how society says he should be rather than in how he actually is.

I know I just said that the last point was about the best line, but honestly, there’s more than one best line in this song. The bridge is where we start to see Jeremy’s language becoming more technologically inclined - “prompt”, “command” and “bandwidth” are all terms used in computing and used to show how Jeremy is likening himself, or his intentions, to a computer, effectivly merging himself and his SQUIP into one entity and Jeremy willingly giving over his own individuality.

And HERE, we get to the kicker. I’ve talked a lot about layers throughout this whole essay, about themes and motifs building on each other. Jeremy is essentially peeling back the layers of his own situation and only finding reason after deeper reason after deeper reason as to why he should follow the SQUIP and not be a loser anymore. Now, he hits the core, the seed, the crux of it all - “The problem has ALWAYS BEEN ME!!” Everything he is, everything that makes Jeremy Heere himself, is and has always been wrong. This line is a gut punch and EVERYONE knows it - the performer always takes a few seconds to let it sink in before continuing.

As an aside, I wanna mention the differences between the single and the album versions of the bridge. The album version starts of quieter after the vocalising of the last chorus, and builds up to the climactic final line, while the single version is loud all the way through but gets even louder and punchier at the end. Both are good, but I personally prefer the single version - the album sounds like Jeremy is broken and desperate and on the verge of tears as he reaches his inevitable but ugly realisation. The single is also desperate, but it’s pleading and all-consuming and a THOUSAND times more powerful, I get chills every time I hear it. (Side note, the London version starts of loud like the single and ends quieter like the album, almost as if Jeremy is reluctant to admit what he truly believes about himself, and it’s easy to see why, it’s a damn harsh condemnation).

“Take a breath and get prepared” - Jeremy sings to both himself and the audience. The first half has been heavy and we need a breather. Yet just before he goes over the brink, he has second thoughts. His conscience, his own voice in his head, breaks through, warning him that his choice will have consequences for other people than himself. People will get hurt - Michael most of all. Not just by Jeremy ditching him; here’s something else - when Jeremy is the “cool dude”, he might end up being a bully to those who are losers just like him, cutting them down just as Rich’s SQUIP made Rich do to him. Who would be the perfect target for Jeremy’s potential future bullying? His former best friend and fellow loser, Michael Mell. It’s pretty damn likely that if the SQUIP hadn’t optic nerve blocked Michael, it would’ve told Jeremy to pick on him, and even though Michael has ostensibly been pretty good at brushing these things off before, the takedowns would hurt a LOT more coming from his former best friend - and we know this because IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS, granted without the SQUIP influencing Jeremy directly (also let’s just clear up that just because the SQUIP wasn’t on doesn’t mean its influence on Jeremy hadn’t disappeared - that’s not how emotional abuse works).

Twelve years of loyal friendship, of borderline unhealthy codependency … can he throw all that away for Christine, a girl he’s thus admired from afar and is only just starting to get to know as a person? Moreover, even if Jeremy gets Christine, what about himself, who he wants to be? He just wants to be something other than himself because he thinks that anything is better but … what? The cool dude, the hero or … whatever. He’ll take anything because he’s that desperate, but what about when he gets it? Will he finally be satisfied? Will it be worth failing his one real friend, an act so scummy that the only way he could possibly stomach it would be to somehow pretend he hadn’t done it?

But none of those questions matter to Jeremy now - he’s fully gaslit into believing that every thought and inclination that comes from himself is wrong and shouldn’t be followed. He needs to sync up with the SQUIP and the rest of the world and mute his own defective inner voice. When you think about it, the relationship between Jeremy and the SQUIP is one of the most intense abusive relationships ever put to fiction - we’ve seen emotional abuse and brainwashing before, but here, Jeremy is literally preventing from THINKING the wrong way because the SQUIP can detect his every thought. See what I mean when I say that doesn’t go away when the SQUIP turns off for a few minutes?!

Throughout all of this is the undercurrent of Jeremy wanting to get better. He’s been trying so hard for so long to have a better life, but nothing has worked. Not listening to his dad, not trying to get closer to Christine through theatre, and certainly not listening to Michael’s advice to wait until college. Why should he resign himself to even more time being miserable with no end in sight? After all, being cool in college isn’t a guarantee. After all he’s been through, it’s his turn to finally be cool, after an eternity of being someone he doesn’t want to be.

Another best line in this song - “I’m Player One.” As mentioned a few times in the show before, like in the Broadway upgrade, Jeremy feels lower even in his friendship with Michael - he’s Player 2 as the more experienced Michael is Player 1. As previously established, Jeremy admits that he’s “not the one who the story’s about.” Now he’s ready to finally take control of his life, be the main character and have good things happen to him, and that means cutting out Michael, the old Player 1. The irony here is that Jeremy is less like Player 1 and more like a video game avatar. In reality, the SQUIP is Player 1, making Jeremy do whatever it demands of him.

More best lines! The slew of insults towards the end serves not just as yet more gut punches for the audience but as a major catharsis for Jeremy - It’s telling that the insults get harsher as his rant goes on, from the “weirdo” to the “weakling freak” to the “failure” to the climactic “please don’t speak”. He’s unloading everything that he’s been carrying over the years, ripping out the bullets that have been embedded in his skin and re-opening all the wounds in the process, but he’s done with the pain and he’ll never ever let himself be hurt like that again, if he follows the SQUIP.

I’ve made a whole post about the significance of the best line “Please Don’t Speak” before so I’ll mostly be repeating a lot of what I said there because it’s been a while since that post and because I want to. Who would’ve said that to Jeremy? Probably not Rich or Chloe, it’s not like them. It had to have come from an adult in a position of authority that could’ve commanded Jeremy not to speak like that - one that apparently did so enough times for him to internalise those words like he did the others. (Even worse if it was more than one adult ...). Out of all of the insults, it’s easy to see how that can easily be the most scarring out of all of them - how would an adult let a child know they’re inadequate? By silencing them. Making it clear that their expression of self not only means nothing, but should be forcibly avoided. Put like that, it makes it much easier to see how and why Jeremy fell under the SQUIP’s influence so easily - telling it was hardly different from authority figures he’s experienced before. In even more sad irony, as Jeremy claims that he’s breaking free and letting go of his past as the “please don’t speak”, he’s just walking right into another, similar trap that he can’t easily escape from. The SQUIP literally vocal cord blocks him during The Play - if that doesn’t say “Please don’t speak,” what does?!

The climax is growing! The music shifts into the relative minor as Jeremy fully gives in to the SQUIP’s evil influence. This is the point of no return, the point where he’s literally being surrounded and overtaken - if you’ve seen this on stage or even just a bootleg, you’ll know what I mean, when the lighting shifts and the circuitry start closing in around him, it’s wonderful. The bass ascends, Jeremy declares once and for all that HE IS NOT THE LOSER, THE GEEK, OR WHATEVER, and he never will be again! As some have pointed out, the sequence of notes on the final “again” is the same as at the end of Be More Chill Part 2, except the last note is different. In BMC part 2, it goes further down by a minor third, but in Loser Geek Whatever, it rises up to the same note it started with. This foreshadows Jeremy’s fate - that he will eventually overcome the SQUIP and that he still has it in him to do so. Man, let me just point out how amazing that last belt is - it lasts for a full 15 seconds in a really high range and takes a LOT of control to bring it back up to the high B without breaking. This song really was written for Will Roland - his voice can pull it off seamlessly, but other actors and understudies have had to find workarounds. No disrespect to them, it’s a damn hard song and it kicks ass all the way through. Scott Folan apparently had trouble with it too, but on the day I happened to see him, he pulled it off without breaking, so props to him!

Overall, Loser Geek Whatever is my favourite song in Be More Chill and not just for its sentimental value to myself. It’s a genuinely deep, complex piece that earned every second of its six minutes. Loser Geek Whatever is definitely the missing piece the show needed - not only is it Jeremy’s solo song, it’s also his “I Want” song and, in a way, his 11 o’clock number all in one, as he’s having a major epiphany after going on a journey, albeit only half of one. It’s easy to see why Joe Iconis dubbed this his anti-Defying Gravity, but it’s also easy to draw parallels to No Good Deed - how both Jeremy and Elphaba vow to become something that society is forcing upon them rather than what they are, even if that society’s will is objectively worse for them. Loser Geek Whatever deserves a thousand times the recognition it has and I still wonder to this day what the fandom reaction would’ve been if it had been in the original soundtrack.

So, that was it. I’m not sorry it was this long.

TL;DR: Loser Geek Whatever is wonderful and anyone who doesn’t think so is wrong.

#be more chill #loser geek whatever #joe iconis #will roland #be more chill meta #music theory #broadway be more chill #be more chill 2.0 #be more chill 3.0 #musical theatre theory #tw depression #jeremy heere #michael mell #be more chill analysis #tw emotional abuse #trans jeremy heere

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mayonnaisetoffees · 3 years

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Mayo's Fic Recs

List of my favourite fics below the cut; this list is a WIP and completely personal taste; a mix of fandom classics and lesser knowns

Please remember to leave comments and kudos for the authors and podficcers!

*shows particular favourites

Fandoms currently included: Spn, Merlin, Les Mis, BatFam

Fics That Changed Me Fundamentally

Loaded March*** by Footloose. Merlin | E | 1.26M(Series)/ 35k (First part) | 188k hits (First part)

The reason SAS Captain Arthur Pendragon can’t keep a communications specialist in Team Excalibur because none of them are good enough. And then Lieutenant Merlin Emrys gets assigned to his squad, and Arthur does everything he can to prove that Merlin isn’t good enough, either. Except he is.

You can read all about my thoughts on Loaded March here, here, and here. Basically this fic series is beautifully written, has absolutely delicious UST, has found family, magic, and high stakes. It’s been part of my life for almost a decade now, I made friends through LM that I still have to this day, and it genuinely changed me as a person. Plus there are 78k of Extras to itch that I Finished Now What scratch. Parts 1-5 have been podficced and you can find them in works inspired by this one in each part.

Down to Agincourt*** by Seperis. Supernatural | E | 1.12M(Series)/ 154k (First part) | 73k hits (First part)

The world’s already over and they’re already dead. All they’re doing now is marking time until the end.

S7!Dean is transported back to the aftermath of where 5x04 The End left off. Much like LM, DtA was one that I avoided for a while. I didn’t think it would be my thing. I’m not usually into End!verse, it sounded so bleak from the summary, and it sounded so long for something I wasn’t sure about. If you’re reading this and nodding along? You are as much a fool as I was. Yes, it’s the end of the world. But it’s not over yet. This is a beautiful journey in what it means to be yourself, how to survive the end of the world, a How-To for Coups, and a study in food as a love language. I only read this fic this year, but like LM, it has genuinely changed me. Map of the World has been podficced.

Supernatural

Let’s start with the current hyperfixation. All of these are at least passively Dean/Cas unless otherwise stated. I've split into ones from my first time around in the SPN fandom and more recent ones because the vibes are actually really different and it took me some time to adjust (Not in a bad way! In a time has passed they have grown as characters way)

Old-School SPN (AKA the Classics my first time around)

Canon-Compliant or Divergent

Home in Motion* by nomdeplume13 M | 232k | 48k hits

Castiel swore he was done with spur of the moment decisions that permanently changed Dean Winchester's life. A year after the angel's most disastrous, his newest may present the largest challenge of dean's life: Fatherhood.

Did someone say kid!fic in canonverse? This is perfect. Canon divergence from the end of S6. Cas saves a baby from a neglectful mother and gives him to Dean to raise. They all move in with Bobby. Great OCs. Bobby considers Cas his son. Listen everything I say here will not be able to begin to encompass how much I love this fic. Just trust me on this one.

Named* by RC_McLachlan M | 95k | 95k hits

Jesus Christ is dead. Somehow, that isn't the worst part of Dean's week.

With a summary like that, need I say more? No but I'm gonna. This is one of the funniest fics I've ever read, but it doesn't take any emotion from the serious moments, if anything it heightens them. There are so many quotes from this I think about all the time. It was written in 2010 and so there's a bit of misogyny/character assassination of Anna in places.

Second Childhood by CloudyJenn (read by exmanhater) G | 16k (1h30) | 10k hits

"Dude, I can't do this whole thing by myself," Dean said with far more desperation leaking into his tone than he liked. It would just be too much to make it through hell and death and Lucifer only to have Castiel bail on him because of a frigging baby.

They beat the Apocalypse (OG-S5) and then Sam gets de-aged by a spell. I've listened to this so many times I know it by heart, it's an ultimate comfort fic to me.

Defy Any and All Expectation* by Tenoko1 (read by Tenoko1) M | 138k (14hrs) | 37k hits

Chuck's newly released books tell of another war between Heaven and Hell. Team Free Will sets out to try to defy prophecy, only to realize there is a lot more at stake and amiss than the not-quite-accurate words of one Prophet of the Lord. Along the way, Dean and Cas' relationship continues to evolve into something neither expected or were prepared for, all of their lives transforming in ways no one could have expected. But with no shortage of cases, monsters, and mayhem, it's going to require the help of new friends and old enemies if they're to have a hope of saving the world one more time. Alternate Season Six.

So this is a re-written version of Tenoko1's The Path We Choose which I don't think is around anymore. By the time I was reading the re-write as each chapter came out, I knew every single line of TPWC and it wasn't all that much shorter. It's such a perfect canon divergence because they are all 100% in-character. If you're into podfic, you already know what an absolute gift 14 hours is, but if you have never tried podfic before, Tenoko1 is a fantastic place to start. Her voice is soothing and energetic and her Cas sometimes comes to mind when I'm reading fic in Misha's place (sorry Misha)

His Fucking Kids 'Verse by 8sword M | 96k(Series)/ 3k (first part) | 26k hits (first part)

Jesus, the school should just have a parking spot labeled, “Reserved for the Novak-Winchesters,” because Dean’s getting sick of having to cruise around the parking lot looking for a spot every time he gets a call from the principal about Emma.

Emma survives and Dean and Cas are raising her and Claire. This fic series will make you laugh, make you cry, and (nowadays) make you wish Emma had survived to be a part of Wayward Sisters.

One Species Too Many by wallmakerrelict E | 22k | 37k hits

While Dean is laid up for a month after breaking his leg on a hunt, Cas decides that it's a perfect time to adopt a litter of kittens. But even though he's gotten better since Purgatory, Cas still isn't quite the same as he was before fixing Sam's head, and being trapped in a cabin with him for weeks on end is making that all the more obvious to Dean. When Sam takes off on a hunt, Dean has to figure out on his own how to navigate his new relationship with Cas while also helping to raise a bunch of fuzzballs that aren't even cute. Not even a little bit. (Well, maybe a little bit.)

Dean breaks his legs, and honey!Cas brings home some kittens to foster. It's achingly sweet and also painful because you know Dean wants to fix Cas but there's nothing to fix. It is tagged for ableism for this.

Tripping* by Hatteress E | 49k | 78k hits

That time the universe decided Dean belonged with Cas and wasn't afraid to pull out the big guns to make it so. Big guns in this case being obsessive fangirls, archangels turned tricksters and overly enthusiastic cupids. Welcome to Dean's life.

Alt!S5 and it is beautiful. Also any fic with Missouri is an automatic win.

Broadway Musical by Grifitings M | 12k | 79k hits

This is the day that marked the Holy and Blessed Union of Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle. The merging of prominent bloodlines is always a grand occurrence, but breeding pedigree hunter families like Winchester and Harvelle is something to be rejoiced. It is also something to be meticulously planned, which thankfully the Host is very good at. Or, the romantic comedy where Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle are destined to get married, Castiel is given the task of playing matchmaker and fails terribly, the entire Heavenly Host becomes a sitcom audience, God warns against male pregnancy, and Jimmy Novak is incredibly unimpressed with angels in general.

Jimmy deserves a sainthood and frankly I don't even want to hear about crack if it's not on the level of the Host yelling at Cas not to touch the butt.

Classic AUs (AKA AUs from my first time around)

Try Something Tuesday by almaasi E | 48k | 144k hits

Dean Winchester teaches a third-grade class. He's new to this whole ‘bisexual’ thing - but by pure happenstance, he meets Castiel: a particularly dapper male librarian who moonlights as a substitute teacher. Dean's curious and Castiel is willing, so why the hell not? Except, fate never intended it to be one-time-only...

This was one of the first spn fics to really really stay with me and it never really left.

Rock 'n' Roll Queer Bar by ChasingRabbits E | 127k(Series)/ 8k (Part1) | 29k hits (Part1)

Ellen and Jo Harvelle run Harvelle's Roadhouse, a bar that unintentionally becomes a beacon for wayward queer souls. Her employees: Dean, the smartass runaway with a big heart and bigger mouth; Castiel, the college drop-out turned hippie; his (surprisingly heterosexual) trouble-making brother Gabriel; and Charlie, who has been told several times that the back room is not to be used for after-hours Dungeons & Dragons games. But there's a lot of love in this place, and a new family for anyone who may otherwise be without.

This series. If you've ever felt unsure or out of place or anxious or just really felt like no-one understood you, this fic is for you. I first found this series when I was coming to terms with my queerness and I genuinely think it was invaluable. Also I am a sucker for the go for a dinner at Cas's family and end up storming out trope.

Play It All Night Long by janie_tangerine (read by Tenoko1) NC17 | 43k (4hrs)

The rom-com-ish one where Dean hosts a late night radio show, Castiel is a regular listener of his who starts calling one day and ends up calling more often than not and Dean finds himself liking it. This, until one day Castiel calls for not exactly petty reasons (just before Dean's brother Sam is visiting with his girlfriend for spring break) and things get very, very crowdy at his place. He also doesn't know it's just the beginning of it. Also features Gabriel, Chuck, Andy, the Roadhouse crew and a huge amount of music quoted. Especially Bob Dylan.

Again, this podfic has got me through many a night of insomnia. Cas calls in after a particularly shitty day and it all goes from there.

New-School SPN (AKA post-2014)

Canon-Compliant or Divergent

Tall Grass by aeli_kindara E | 57k | 28k hits

“I think we should have a garden,” Cas says. Dean looks up from his beer. He hasn’t had that much to drink, but Cas still has a vague look of unreality about him, a splash of living color that doesn’t fit in the bunker’s echoing stillness. Dean didn’t hear him coming. A lot of the time, Cas is so unobtrusive it feels like Dean has the bunker to himself, with Sam away. Dean shakes his head to clear it. “A — garden?” he repeats.

There is a reason you will see this recced time and time again. It healed parts of me I didn't know needed healing.

So Says the Sword* by komodobits E | 85k | 73k hits

The briefing was simple: ‘Stand guard over the Michael Sword until the battle is ready to commence. Await further instructions.’ Castiel doesn’t mind working security duty; he was briefed shortly after the initial salvation of the Sword from the pit, and again before taking up his position. He knows what to do. However, it’s easy to forget that the green room isn’t real. Time moves differently there, the space ever-changing to make a prison of mountains, cathedrals, salt flats, orchards, and whatever Castiel was led to believe about Heaven’s greatest weapon—Dean Winchester is something entirely unexpected

I saw ssts mentioned in like every single If you're getting back into the fandom READ THIS rec list. For good reason. It's described as "canon-adjacent in that seasons one to three happened exactly the same, but when Dean goes to Hell, he is not raised by Castiel". It's one of the most interesting concepts I've read and it's one of those fics where the writing style will stick with you. Castiel POV in a way you've never read before.

Aching in the Absence of You* by sobsicles E | 95k | 9k hits (in 5 days)

Brittle and battle-worn, Cas looks at him over coffee one morning and says, "I need to go," and Dean instantly knows that he's not coming back. He's not really sure how he knows it, but he does. It settles into the pit of his stomach, curling hot and tight like something he instinctively wants to tear out with his bare hands. He takes a breath, and it gets stuck in his throat, hitching there. It hurts, hurts, hurts when he finally exhales. "Yeah," Dean says, "of course you do," and he nods jerkily as he looks down at his phone. He doesn't say goodbye. He doesn't look up from the screen when Cas gets up and leaves the room. He doesn't finish his coffee, or move for a long time. By nightfall, Cas is gone.

If you don't already know sobsicles, I am delighted to introduce you to the person who will smash you to pieces with a hammer to put you back together Kintsugi-style. This one is post-finale but without 15x18 (it'll make sense as it goes). Cas says he's going to leave again and again Dean doesn't ask him to stay. Full of lines so beautiful they'd make Shakespeare weep, Sobsicles has this way of writing that is so evocative and paints such a clear picture. Fair warning, if you're Dean-coded, this might be A Lot.

dumbassery, denial, doing (the three d's to the destination)** by sobsicles E | 108k | 25k hits

Freedom is just one adjustment after the next. ~~~ Cas hums again. "I think you already have. It's been months since everything settled. All that's left to do is...get used to it, and perhaps—" His voice stalls out, uncharacteristically, and his gaze roams Dean's face with intensity. When he speaks next, his tone is a little raw. "Perhaps what one does with peace is...whatever they want." "What if I don't even know what that is?" Dean grumbles, arching an eyebrow in challenge. "'Cause I know damn well you don't just mean good food and a good bed and time in Baby, not simple wants like that. You mean—ya know, the big things, the wants we didn't get to have before." "Yes," Cas agrees. "If you're not sure, figure it out." "Easier said than done."

Yes, two sobsicles recs back to back. This one I read first and it still holds such a special place in my heart. A sign of a good fic is being able to picture it perfectly. The sign of an amazing fic is that when reading this I was so in Dean's shoes I could feel a pool cue between my hands and Baby behind my back. And I sobbed like a baby in this. It has probably my favourite ending ever. It's genuinely beautiful. If you don't read another on this list, read this one.

Teaching Poetry to Fish by aeli_kindara M | 52k | 14k hits

In which Castiel teaches poetry to fish. Also, himself. Also, eventually, Dean. (A series-long story, diverging slightly from canon after S14.)

The ultimate Cas character study and interwoven with poetry.

So There It Is, I've Said It All by PorcupineGirl (read by Ceewelsh) G | 4k | 13k hits

"Why, do you have something you need to say to me that you don't think I'll like?" I think I'm in love with you. "Yeah. I guess so."

Dean figures out he's in love with Cas then can't stop thinking it. This is genuinely beautiful and if you've ever had trouble actually saying the thing you're thinking, you'll relate to Dean here. I recently did the podfic for this.

you won't find this place alone by amidsizedfrog G | 9.5k |

When Claire said she was dropping out of college to pursue hunting full time, Dean said, “right,” and left the room. Or, the cross-generation conversation about formal education, choosing your own path and figuring out what it looks like to find a family. Or, in other words: "But what I do have is a GED and a give-'em-hell-attitude, and I'll figure it out." - Dean Winchester

This is a beautiful look at education in the hunter world, and I love anything that looks at Dean and Bobby's relationship and this does it perfectly. Also best cameo ever.

Seek to Know You Better by ahurston E | 33k | 23k hits

Dean and Cas, a long stretch of highway, and 36 questions empirically designed to make two people fall in love. As if they weren't already.

This is perfect. It has a lovely slow pace like it has the vibes of an indie film if that makes sense? Like it's two guys going from place to place talking. It was an instant favourite.

Newer AUs (AKA more recent AUs)

And This, Your Living Kiss* by opal_bullets M | 57k | 69k hits

Only a very few people in the world know that the celebrated and reclusive poet Jack Allen is just Kansas mechanic Dean Winchester, a high school dropout with a few bucks to his name. Not that it matters anymore; life has left him so wrung out he never wants to pick up another pen. Until, that is, a string of coincidences leads Dean to auditing a poetry course with one Dr. Castiel Novak. The professor is wildly intelligent, devastatingly handsome...and just so happens to be academia's foremost expert on the poetry of Jack Allen.

When I asked which fics were absolute must-reads for someone who'd been out of the fandom a few years, this was said repeatedly. But what really got me to read it was everyone actually told me more about what it meant to them than just the summary. It's a study in poetry, a study in learning who you are and who you used to be, and a reminder that it's never too late.

The Graveyard Shift* by riseofthefallenone, PurgatoryJar E | 620k | 175k hits

Dean’s favourite coffee shop, The Graveyard Shift, is only open after the sun goes down. Which is perfect for him, because that’s exactly when he craves coffee the most while doing the overnight at the fire hall. The coffee shop’s owner is pretty perfect too, but it’s kind of a bummer that Dean never gets to see Cas during the day. In a world where the supernatural live more or less in peace with the rest of humanity, it’s a little impolite to ask Cas just what he really is - or what his dark past entails.

A fantastic magical realism fic - magical creatures live and work with humans. Gabe and Cas run a coffee shop, Dean is a fireman, and the burn is slow and delicious and the intrigue kept me reading for like a week every single spare minute.

Painted Angels by WinJennster E | 106k | 162k hits

Author Castiel Novak has finally hit the big time, with a book based on his failed college relationship with a brilliant painter. He's put all his pain behind him, but at a book signing, he comes face to face with Dean Winchester for the first time in twelve years, and the reunion doesn't go like Cas hoped. Dean's a broken man, with a lot of scars and secrets, shoulders weighed down by his demons and self loathing. Cas sees a second chance with the man he's never stopped loving, but Dean's moved on, and is about to get married. Sam launches a "brilliant" plan to reunite his brother and his best friend, but Cas is worried it will all blow up in their faces, and he'll go through the agony of losing Dean a second time.

The first part of this I actually saved back when I was first in the fandom but I never got around to reading it (I had a To Read folder of 100+ fics that I absolutely dove into when I got back into spn) and the rest of the series finished in 2016 so I'm counting it in this section not the other. On the one hand, I wish I'd read this when it first came out. It's beautiful and heartbreaking, and so visual. On the other hand, I think I appreciated it a lot more now than I would have seven years ago. The parallel of me coming back to the old fandom that I loved dearly with Cas coming back to see someone and places he loved so much really hit. (Although coming back to the spn fandom was much easier and much less heartbreak!)

Finale Fix-Its (yeah fuck you Dabb that this has to be a whole category)

The Goldenrod Revisions by aethylas M | 66k | 15k hits

A rewrite of Supernatural’s final two episodes, expanded into a five episode arc - in which Chuck needs to be defeated, Castiel deserves to be saved, and the characters in this story get a very different ending.

Script format re-write of 15x19 and 15x20 into a 5-episode finale fix-it. As far as I'm concerned, this and chocolatecakecas's American Pie fanvid are the Supernatural finale.

break the skin (to break the barriers)* by sobsicles M | 30k | 9k hits

The first time she meets him, he's nothing more than an almost-missed appointment. ~~~ Dean is silent for a long, tense moment, then he gruffly says, "It's not for banishing the angels. It's to summon them. So, it doesn't—it's not to get rid of 'em, but to draw 'em in." Mitzi can't help but glance up at him at that. His voice is so heavy with so much unexplained pain, and she doesn't understand why, or what angels have to do with it. She knows religion can impact people. She's very aware that it can get complicated, and that it can be a huge source of pain for someone, but Dean sounds grievously wronged, somehow, as if it's a truly personal thing. She pushes through, focusing back on her job, clearing her throat before murmuring, "Well, I guess we all want angels to visit us sometimes." "Just the one," Dean mumbles. "Your guardian angel?" Mitzi asks. Dean breathes out, "Something like that. As close to one as an angel will ever get."

Therapy through getting tattoos and telling your life story to someone who obviously doesn't think it's real. Outsider!POV not just done well, but done literally the best.

Kingdom Come by ahurston E | 17k | 10k hits

Cas wakes up on the coast of Maine. He makes his way home.

I don't know if this counts as finale fix-it as it's more fuck the finale we're ignoring that. There's just so much love and care in this fic.

The Family Business by chai_lattes M | 16k | 5.5k hits

It's all over. It's been weeks since Chuck's defeat and Cas' return from the Empty. There are no threats on the horizon, no apocalypses to stop, but there's something that keeps the Winchesters from being happy. Something that's maybe always been there. On their way back from a hunt, they find John Winchester, back from the dead.

If you're anything like me, you start rubbing your grubby little hands together at the tag John Winchester's A+ Parenting like yes let's address this! This is one of the best examples of John coming back and how it jars with the life that they have built. Also Claire and Jack getting to share screentime!

Merlin

If I have a forever fandom, it's Merlin. I've always kept one foot in this fandom, and it introduced me to fandom, and most importantly to podfic which kinda had an impact. All Merthur unless stated.

Canon-Verse

Seven Magpies by syllic (read by lunchee) E | 33k (3hr15) | 58k hits

Arthur opened his eyes a minute later to the sight of seven magpies streaking across the top of the clearing, their shapes dark against the white clouds and the muted grey of the sky. He tried to remember what it was that seven magpies meant—he'd had a nurse who had sung the rhyme to him as a child—but couldn't. Arthur wakes up somewhere he doesn't recognise, but where he clearly belongs.

Okay so this is an AU but it's Canon-AU so it's going here. Fantastic role reversal fic that you will be thinking about for weeks.

and from your grace, i fell by TheDragon (read by Ceewelsh) T | 4.6k (41mins) | 13k hits

“Where’s Merlin?” he asks the maid. “Where’s that idiot of a Court Sorcerer?!” “Begging your pardon, Your Majesty. I thought you knew,” the maid replies, not daring to look him in the eyes. “He’s taken ill.” “And he couldn’t be bothered to tell me himself that he would be unable to attend today’s council meeting?” Arthur questions, voice full of acid. “He hasn’t woken since he collapsed two days ago, Sire,” the maidservant says, blissfully unaware that what she’s saying the power to stop Arthur’s heart in its tracks.

When I first read this, it had me completely transfixed. I could not stop reading. It was so raw and so full of emotion. I was then lucky enough to get TheDragon in our exchange, so I did a podfic for it and it's probably the most proud I've been of one.

Modern AU

The Student Prince* by FayJay (read by FayJay) M | 145k (15hrs) | 696k hits

A Modern day Merlin AU set at the University of St Andrews, featuring teetotal kickboxers, secret wizards, magnificent bodyguards of various genders, irate fairies, imprisoned dragons, crumbling gothic architecture, arrogant princes, adorable engineering students, stolen gold, magical doorways, attempted assassination, drunken students, shaving foam fights, embarrassing mornings after, The Hammer Dance, duty, responsibility, friendship and true love...

A classic is a classic for a reason. I'm also pretty sure this introduced me to podfics so like special place in my heart x2. Did you know if you filter AO3 by hits on Merlin, this has 426k more hits than the second result? Now that is a Fandom Classic.

Drastically Redefining Protocol* by rageprufrock (read by lunchee) E | 46k (5hr30) | 269k hits

In which Prince Arthur meets Merlin and all hell promptly breaks loose.

As I always say, if this can happen to me and I still love the fic, nothing is going to change that. Arthur hides from his duties in a cupboard and gets stuck in there with a chainsmoking med student.

Fundamental Imperfections by Starlingthefool (read by bravenclawsome) M | 12k (1hr35) | 123k hits

In which an argument about Dickens leads to a Twitter scandal, broken bones, midnight conversations, and transatlantic longing. (Or, an AU with Arthur and Merlin as moderately famous authors.)

This fic has everything: Charles Dickens, long distance texting, Morgana choking a Sherlock cosplayer with his own scarf. This is the ultimate comfort fic and I compare all fics to this even when they're incomparable. I never read the sequel because it was WIP and I was waiting for it to complete, it hasn't been updated since 2015 and apparently ends on an unhappy note, so if you're going to read the sequel you have been warned.

Les Mis

Modern!AU

Overzealous Oddities by YassHomo e/R, Courf/Cosette/Marius, Comb/Ép | G | 6.4k | 4k hits

Courfeyrac: Remember when I smashed our tv and we laughed about it? Enjolras: No. Courfeyrac: Let me rephrase Courfeyrac: I've smashed our tv, lets laugh about it.

I love me a text fic and this is in my opinion the best one around. Just look at that summary. I have quoted that so many times.

But Paris was a very old city and we were young* by GingerNinjaAbi E/R, Courf/Jehan | M | 99k | 42k hits

Perhaps somewhere in between all the cups of coffee, shots of tequila, sunny March days, terrible lumpy jumpers, love, cigarettes, drunken nights and the desire to change the world they'll all leave Paris with a degree in something. Or not. Grantaire's money is on no. But he's a pessimist who's hopelessly in love, so perhaps his opinion shouldn't count.

The ULTIMATE modern!AU tbh.

Tagged by Salomonderiel E/R, Courf/Jehan | E | 155k | 28k hits

So there's this artist. He could probably be compared to Banksy, but he's a lot more... cynical. He shares rooms with a poet who braids his hair with flowers, in a flat near Covent Garden they rent from a short-tempered shop keeper with a penchant for fans and who'd do anything if you mentioned Poland. Sometimes, the three of them will go and deface public buildings in London whilst completely smashed off their heads. And then there's this, shall we say, 'revolutionary'. He has a band of other revolutionaries, who all meet at this cafe by Borough Market. He shares rooms with his best mate, a philosophy student, spends too much time with a flirty guy who has a thing for poets, goes boxing with a guy in a red vest, wants to punch the wet sop who drools on the blonde waitress and is getting tired of this guy who keep breaking his laptops through sheer dumb luck. Thank god the hypochondriac's there to keep an (slightly too) attentive eye on their stress levels. The revolutionary thinks the graffiti artist's work is a waste of space. The artist thinks the revolutionary's campaigns are a waste of time. And all the while, the poet and the flirt drool over each other in the background...

This is perfect and it's funny and it's beautiful and it rips my heart out multiple times.

Canon

To Be Free by kjack89 (read by Ceewelsh) Gen, Cosette/Marius | T | 3.8k (32mins) | 375 hits

Three blows from a bayonet had transfixed Combeferre’s breast, followed by a fall from the barricade as he rapidly lost first blood and then consciousness. But neither of these, it seemed, was enough to kill him, as much as later he might perhaps wish that they were.

I read this because it was on a list kjack89 did of their favourite fics which don't necessarily have the same hits traffic. It's nothing I would have usually read (canon era, not e/R, MCD) but I am so glad I gave it a go. It's a study on what if Combeferre had survived the barricades too and the guilt. This stayed with me for days afterwards until I eventually messaged kjack89 to get permission to podfic it.

BatFam

Canonish (I don't know differences between canons but these are all they're superheros fics)

Robins United by laceymcbain (read by reena_jenkins) Gen | T | 49k (6h15)/ 19k (2h25) (First part) | 103k hits

Bullets, knives, a three story fall, even a fucking crowbar hadn't managed to keep Jason down permanently, but Dick Grayson (and the rest of his "family") was going to kill him with kindness.

The ultimate batbros series. Also if you haven't heard reena_jenkins' podfics before, you are welcome. Pre-pandemic I took a lot of public transport and reena_jenkins kept me sane.

batcoons by drakefeathers (read by reena_jenkins) Gen | G | 6k (49mins) | 14k hits

Jason and raccoons have a lot in common. (Additionally: his so-called family are much bigger pests than the stray animals hanging around his safehouse.)

This is funny, it's heartwarming, and it's a really good character study.

Here Comes the Sun by batsy_rocks Clark/Bruce | T | 19k | 20k hits

Clark Kent is a kind-hearted reporter working in the big city. Bruce Wayne is a stressed dad of four with no idea of what he's doing. Then they meet.

Bruce Wayne is a Tired Single Dad™. It's genuinely such a sweet fic.

#fic rec #spn fic rec #merlin fic rec #les mis fic rec

23 notes · View notes

royallyprincesslilly · 4 years

Text

Title: Sin In The City***

Nalani x Lewis x Lynix Mini Series

Warning: Cursing, Plot Heavy, NSFW AT ALL, SMUUUUT, FILTH, PLENTY OF WORDS

Words: 3k {8.7k, LMAO for thinking it would be anything else} 🤣🤣

Summary: Nalani and Lynix have been friends since they first grew hips and tits. They do everything together. When Lewis tells Nalani that he’s in Vegas for the weekend and invites her to come out, she jumps at the chance, especially when Lewis says the more, the merrier to bringing Nix along. The long weekend goes from a fun time to putting the “sin” in Sin City thanks to a secret plot Nalani concocts.

Note: As you know @munteanhorewrites and I are HUUUUGE Lewis Tan fans. The man is just absolute deliciousness and the whole entire package. So, Ru and I got to talking about him currently being in Vegas for the long weekend, and we thought, why not treat you guys while indulging ourselves. This is going to be a four-shot miniseries where Ru and I will each write two chapters for the four-day weekend of sheer debauchery. Thank you @munteanhorewrites for suggesting we combine our evil powers. Mwhahahaha! 😈😈

We hope you enjoy this. As always, thank you guys so much for reading. ❤️❤️

If you enjoyed this, please, LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG.

Chapter Legend:

-Chapter One: @royallyprincesslilly

-Chapter Two: @munteanhorewrites

Chapter Three: @royallyprincesslilly

Chapter Four: @munteanhorewrites

***Loosely Edited/Proofread***

Chapter One: Set The Stage

-Nalani-

“My God, everybody is gonna be in town this weekend, especially since it’s a long one,” Lynix said as she plopped onto the oversized bean bag that was in the corner of my room.

I remembered the day we’d walked into Z Gallerie just to look around. Neither of us expected something like that to be in the high-end store. It didn’t take long to instantly fall in love with it, and thankfully the store had two left in stock. They were both the same color but completely different fabrics. Lynix preferred the fur one, but I needed the leather one in my life. That’s how it always was with us, we liked different finishes, but we had the same luxurious tastes.

“I know. I was trying to come up with a plan. Beach, and shopping tomorrow, then spa Saturday?”

Lynix scrunched her face. I knew she loved both, but right now, I needed her to make a damn choice. She’d always been the indecisive one, especially when it came to two things she enjoyed equally. When Nix shrugged, you knew she’d come to a decision.

“Eh—doesn’t matter, although I think we should shop first. I’ve wanted to get a few new suits.”

The amount of excitement that surged through me was too much for me to contain. When I screeched, Nix’s head snapped to me. As I clapped my hands excitedly, a huge smile plastered across my face. “Yeees, then I can pick up that new brow kit that Jackie just dropped. Uugh, I am so ready for it. I have so many ideas for content.”

By looking at Nix’s face, I could tell she was also looking forward to the day’s activities. What girl didn’t like shopping for new things such as clothes and makeup. Usually, when we went shopping, we would go early and not leave the mall until it was closing, and both of us would have so many bags that were filled with things neither of us needed.

“So, it’s a plan, I confirmed.

Nix nodded and continued to scroll through her phone for a few moments before she stood and walked out to get ready. Living in Miami, there were tons of pros. The weather was a major one. For the majority of the year, the weather remained calm, beautiful, and sunny. That meant that I could dress however the hell I wanted. After rummaging through my closet for the perfect thing to wear, I decided on a pair of dark denim jeans, a white scoop neck tee with two slits at the sides that carried all the way up my ribcage.

When I sat down to beat my face, I had Saweetie blasting.

“Can’t stop, won’t stop get guap. Ten white toes in them Troy flip flops. Manicures and pedicures I’m tip-top. When they say I’m not hot, all these lies need to stop. Cause I’m icy, wifey, haters wanna fight me.”

Feeling the music, I stood and did my best hot gyal Meg moves. Within a few seconds, I heard Nix’s telltale “ayyyyyy.” Turning, I saw her standing in the doorway, using the doorjamb behind her as a twerk partner.

“Get it!”

She stood and rapped the next verse. “My team is trying to eat, so we grinding til’ out mental bleed. You tryna get a bag of weed? I’m tryna get a bag a week. Put it in my savings and invest in the right companies. My dream is like a child, and I’m taking all the custody.”

That was when I joined in too. We were rapping, twerking, and acting a fool for the next minute or two. I watched Nix drop to the floor and pop her ass from left to right. Not being the one to be outdone, I bent forward and made mine clap. When I felt her drop a heavy-handed slap to my ass, I dropped and brought her with me. We laid on the floor, laughing together for a full minute.

“You play too much. You can’t let me be great! You and your knees like Meg head ass,” I teased. She snorted loudly.

“I got Meg’s knees, and you got her ass!”

“Okuuuur!

Nix stood and straightened the ruffles of her off the shoulder white crop top at the same time my phone rang. When I picked it up off of the wireless charging port, I screeched out.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I showed her the phone so she could see who was calling. Her smile was broad but not as wide as yours. After three rings, you picked up the facetime call. Lewis’ gorgeous face filled the screen, and your belly fluttered. His groomed mustache chin beard decorated his face in a way that was just so pleasing to the eye. It complimented his facial structure so well. The man was too damn fine for his own good, and the worst part—he knew it.

“Hey, handsome,” I answered in my sugary seductive voice.

“There she is Lani, Lani. How are you, beautiful?” Lewis’s smile was soft, but it still gave way to his dimples to take center stage.

“I’m good.”

“That’s good. Wooo, you look good as hell,” Lewis complimented in his smooth voice. It was the voice he used when he wanted something, and the voice always got him anything he wanted. I bit my bottom lip and plopped onto my bed.

“Did you just wake up? You look like you’re in bed still.”

“I kind of did. I caught an early flight, and once I got in and did some training, I crashed.”

My eyes dropped to his bare chest, and I found myself wondering if he was naked. Usually, that is how he slept. The memories flooded me, and like the wind, I was gone, lost in my lascivious thoughts.

“Lani!”

“Sorry, babe, what’d you say?”

“What’re you up to?”

“Nothing much. Was just kicking it about to do some shopping.”

From the corner of my eyes, I saw Nix trying to get a look at him. I slanted the screen so she could see without him knowing she was there. She gave me a look to say, “excuse me.” Pressing my lips together, I tried to stifle the laugh that wanted freedom.

“I had an idea. I’m in Vegas for the weekend. You should come through.”

Nix’s eyes bugged.

“Vegas?”

“Yeah. This is one of my last weekends of freedom before press, and all that starts. So, I thought, why not have some fun. You down?”

I looked to Nix, who was now standing behind my phone with her back to my balcony's sliding door. She nodded her head excitedly while motioning for me to say something.

“Uh—well, I don’t know, babe. This weekend? Lew, that’s like—tomorrow.”

Nix gave you a look asking if you were crazy. I had every intention of accepting the offer, but there was no way in hell that I was going to make him think he had it like that. A girl had to have some mystery about her no matter how fine the man or how good his stroke game was.

“I know it’s short notice but come on Lani, it’s Vegas!”

Lewis began moving, and it gave you the answer you needed; he wasn’t naked. His black boxer briefs clung to his hips, making my fingers itch to hook in the waistband. The visual swirled, almost giving you motion sickness before his face came back into focus with all the sights of Vegas behind him. I made out a few landmarks, mainly their replica of the Eiffel Tower and the strip's blinding lights. A smile spread across your face before you rolled your eyes.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

He was so damn adorable. He actually looked surprised as if he really was surprised you’d accepted.

“Yeah. Why not? I’m sure you can find some way to entertain me.”

Lewis smiled, but this was no regular smile. It was one that spoke of so much. We’d been dealing with each other on and off for the last two months or so after meeting at a music event. I’d gone to cut loose and ended up catching the eye of some rapper who had a really grandiose ideal of himself. He thought I’d leave with him and turn into another notch on his bedpost, but once Lewis and I got to talking, there was no way. He was categorically more interesting. After two or three dates, the inevitable happened, and he dispelled all negative stereotypes about Asian men.

“I have a favor, though, babe,” I began with a sweet as honey smile.

“Name it.”

“I want to bring my friend.”

Nix’s eyes again bugged; she wasn’t expecting that. As she flailed her hands around telling me to cease and desist, I ignored her.

“A friend you say?”

“Yep, my bestie, Lynix.”

“Oh, thee Lynix? Say no more. The more, the merrier,” Lewis answered.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’m looking forward to finally meeting her. I’ll make the arrangements and text you the info.”

“Okay, babe. I’ll see you soon.”

I puckered up and blew him a kiss. Before I ended the call, I watched him lick his lips, and even more excitement filled you.

“What the hell was that? Who said I wanted to go to Vegas and be the third wheel to your sexcation?”

“Nix, come on. What would you do? Stay here? Call dickhead and fall back into a situation with the only benefit being mediocre dick?”

Nix’s jaw dropped. “Wow, the call out wasn’t necessary, Lani.”

“I don’t’ sugar coat. You’ll have more fun with me in Vegas. Plus, it’s not a sexcation.”

They were words I didn’t even fully believe. It was just a matter of time. Nix paced the floor as she contemplated the offer. “I don’t want to be a third wheel,” she protested.

“You won’t be. Lew is cool. It’ll be fun.”

She didn’t look convinced, but she looked more inclined to being easy about it than continuing her protest. The moment I saw her acceptance, I sprang to my feet and hugged her.

“It’s going to be a great weekend.”

After a few moments of embracing, Nix was the one to speak first. “Come on! Hurry that ass up. I’m hungry!”

She always got hangry quicker than anyone I’d ever known. After another fifteen minutes or so of primping, we left determined to catch our favorite restaurant for lunch. In Miami, everywhere anyone turned, they were met with skin, suntan lotion, muscles, and food. To some, that meant that they had to remain on point or else someone would catch them slipping, and no one wanted that. In Miami, if someone caught you slipping, you lost your man, job, or even worse your lifestyle.

Nix and I didn’t have to worry about that. We were secure in our careers. Lynix was able to make surprisingly good money as a top food and luxury goods blogger, while I’d found my place in the fashion and makeup influencer world. Where every influencer was a copy and paste option, I worked hard to set myself apart from them. My ideas were fresh, and my content always showed that I thought outside the box. Since our bags were secured, our lifestyle was safe.

However, when it came to men, both Nix and I liked to keep our options open. Life was meant for living. These days, a lot of men acted like they wanted to live but truly only brought headaches. Who could be bothered? That didn’t mean we were in no man’s land. Whenever the need arose to be wined and dined, we went out and entertained whoever we chose. A girl might not want headaches, but she does want to be spoiled and made to feel pretty. Lewis brought no headaches, he treated me well, and the handful of times we’d gotten it in, it showed that he had far superior bedroom manners than anyone she’s dealt with.

At lunch, we ironed out the plan for the day now that the weekend plan had significantly changed. Bathing suits and makeup were not the only things we planned on picking up at the mall now. There was a whole new list.

“Nix, I thought I heard you up on the phone last night. Was it Caesar?”

Lynix rolled her eyes as she took up her burger and took a hearty bite. As she chewed, she moaned and motioned to her plate. The burger was nearly bigger than her mouth, but she made it work.

“This is so good, Lani.”

I leaned over the table toward the burger. She knew what I wanted and held out the burger for me to take a bite. Moaning, I relished the flavors that burst over my tastebuds. It was rare for restaurants to season their food with more than a pinch of salt and a dash of pepper, but I could taste much more than the two.

“You’re right. The avocado is a great addition.”

Nix took another bite as I stirred my pasta dish before I began eating.

“Is he bugging you to get back together again?”

Nix rolled her eyes again, but she nodded, “You know it. I don’t get it. It’s like he thinks the third time will be the charm.”

I loudly kissed my teeth. Men like that were annoying as hell. For starters, I didn’t think the second round was a good idea, and I sure as hell didn’t think third time was going to be the charm, but I kept that to myself this time. “What do you think?”

“Hell no!”

We busted out laughing at the same time, not caring how loud we were. I noticed the eyes that slid to us from nearby tables. It was clear they were curious about what was so funny.

“I told you, you need to try something new,” I said while wiggling my eyebrows. “It’s a good thing we’re doing Vegas this weekend. I think you’ll find that something new.”

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t make no plans for me, Lani. You always wanna play matchmaker.”

“I didn’t have matchmaking in mind—well not in the way you think,” I gibed.

Her jaw dropped, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Yeah, Vegas would be a damn good time all right, I thought, as we finished our meal.

By the time we got to the mall, Lewis had texted the info for the first-class flight he’d booked for the two of us. He made sure to add the message, “Making sure two queens travel the way they deserve.” When I showed Nix, she rolled her eyes, but I could tell she was just as in awe as I was from the smile on her face.

Take-off was eight in the morning, which meant the rest of the day would be jamb packed to ensure everything got done. We flitted from store to store and spent money like we meant it. What was supposed to be a two maybe three store stop turned into four hours of complete indulgence. With the intent to pick up something nice for Lewis, we found ourselves in Agent Provocateur.

After trying on a few pieces, I suckered Nix into trying some things on too. She didn’t protest with this. She liked lingerie, no matter the reason. She thought it would be just for her pleasure, but I was beginning to formulate an alternate plan, one she had no idea about, but she would—in time.

When we were both dressed in our final selections, Nix snapped a picture of me in a yellow number and sent it to Lewis.

MSG: Decisions, Decisions.

In less than a minute, his response came through.

MSG Lew: Sold! Matter fact, get it in every color.

Two hours later, with take-out in hand, we made it home. It was late, but instead of packing and getting some rest, we decided to binge-watch the newest season of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina on Netflix. As you ate, you gossiped, laughed, and enjoyed the time together as you always did. There was a reason you’d moved in together; you genuinely liked each other and enjoyed hanging out together.

~~~~~~~~~~

-Friday-

The next day after two hours of chaos with last-minute packing, dancing, an impromptu fashion show, and taking turns doing each other’s makeup and hair, we finally were seated in first-class enjoying a glass of rosé.

“Man, he sure knows how to charm a girl,” Nix joked.

“You have no idea.”

“Uh—I kinda do. You’ve literally told me everything about him,” she added.

She was right. I had told her quite a bit about him. I’d also tried to get them to meet a few times, but each time one or both of them had other things they had to do. I wasn’t worried they wouldn’t like each other; I was sure once they spoke, they’d hit it off. I was counting on it for my plan to work.

“So—Nix,” I began, again in my sweet as honey voice.”

“Don’t try to use your charms on me, Lani. I know all your tricks,” she countered.

Rolling my eyes, I pouted and decided to forge on. “What do you think of Lew?”

“I told you, he’s cute.”

“Yeah, but what else?”

Nix looked at me as if she were trying to figure out my angle.

“I don’t know him, Lani. From what I’ve seen, he seems like a cool guy, end of story.”

It wasn’t a raving review, but I had to take it. Maybe her tune would be different after she got to see what he was about.

“Just—know that you’re the only person I don’t mind sharing with,” I dropped before I popped my AirPods in. I could feel her eyes on me, but I pretended not to notice. I’d give her the flight to marinate on what I meant.

After a three hour nonstop flight, we made it to baggage claim and got our belongings, then went in search of the driver that was supposed to be waiting for us as per Lewis’s text message from this morning. It didn’t take long to find him because he held up a sign with both your names on it.

“That’s us.”

“Great. Welcome to Vegas, I’m Drew. I’ll be your driver. Is this everything?”

He nodded toward mine and Nix’s six total pieces of luggage. I nodded and allowed him to gather them before he walked ahead, leading us out of the busy airport. Once we made it outside, Drew ushered us into the waiting luminous pearl white Mercedes Maybach.

“I don’t think that yellow number from Provocateur is gonna be enough,” Nix teased, making me giggle way too loudly.

She was right though, mans was putting in all the stops. This wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, though. Lewis liked to enjoy life. He liked the finer things and didn’t see a reason not to indulge in moderation.

The drive wasn’t obscenely long, but it was filled with quite a bit of traffic, especially considering it was just past eleven in the morning. Google said it was supposed to be a twenty-minute ride from the airport, but it turned out to be nearly thirty fives. Neither of us minded. We chatted, recorded a series of lives, and took several pictures to post to our respective socials.

Once the car pulled up to the hotel, we walked inside, taking in every detail while I pulled out my phone. It was a beautiful hotel.

MSG: Should I just give your name to the reception or something else?

“No need. I gotchu.”

I spun around, coming face to face with a dimpled and smiling Lewis.

“Aah, babe!” Lewis came in for a hug, and once he wrapped his arms around me, I moaned. His arms felt so damn strong. He was not gimping on his workouts.

“How’d you know we were here?”

“I got the alert from the driver and the company,” he responded as he kissed my cheek. He smelled so fucking good.

“How are you, babe?”

“Better now that you guys are here,” Lewis answered with a wide smile.

I shook my head; the charm would be the death of me. Lewis’s eyes had already drifted to Lynix, who was standing back a few feet.

“Finally, you two can meet. Lew, this is Lynix, my best friend in the entire world,” I declared with one hand holding Lewis’s and reaching out for Nix’s hand with my other.

They both just stared at each other for a few moments without speaking.

“Lynix,” Lewis began.

“Nix,” she corrected. “The only people who call me Lynix are my parents and acquaintances.”

Lewis smiled and nodded. “Glad to know I’m not an acquaintance.”

Nix smirked and shrugged. “You’re a minuscule notch above it. I’d be careful, though.”

Lewis’s laugh was loud as it echoed throughout the lobby. “Wow. Of course, she’d be just as witty as you,” he said, glancing across to me. I shrugged. I had told him we were pretty similar.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Lewis added before I slipped his hand to hers, letting them both go.

Both of them looked at me with a question in their eyes, but it quickly faded before they looked back to each other and shook hands.

“Same here.”

A few more seconds elapsed with both of them holding hands before Nix dropped his. I pinched my lips, sensing that everything was falling into place. From the look on Nix’s face, I could tell she thought he was more than cute.

“Okay, let’s head up to the penthouse and get you two settled,” Lewis announced.

The three of you, the bellhop, and a few other hotel guests, rode the elevator. Lewis asked questions about the flight and if everything was good with the drive over. I happily thanked him for everything he’d done thus far and took the chase to tease him with touches. The thing I loved about Lewis was he was equally as flirtatious as I was. He liked to tease as much as I did and did it with ease. Every touch I placed on his arm, chest, and cheek, he returned with his lips to my ear as he whispered to me, or his hand on my hip as he held me close, or even his words. He knew his appeal and always used it as a weapon.

Once you made it to the penthouse level and walked inside, Lewis handled the bellhop and directed him to where the bags went while I dragged Nix to the balcony to marvel at the beauty that was Las Vegas. I looked over to Nix and bounced my hip against her.

“See. I told you this was a good idea.”

“Fine, this is gorgeous,” she finally admitted.

I pulled my phone out, ready for another picture. As we posed and blew kisses to the camera, neither of us noticed Lewis approach the balcony doors. When I looked over, he wore a soft smile as he watched.

“Babe, get in these pictures!”

He held his hands up. “I don’t wanna barge in where I’m not wanted.”

“Oh, you’re more than wanted, right, Nix.”

She licked her lips and shrugged. “The more, the merrier.”

Lewis scoffed and nodded as he came over to stand to the other side of me, leaving me in the middle. After two or three pictures, I moved him to the middle, so it was a proper sandwich.

“That’s better. It’s more aesthetically pleasing,” I remarked. Both Nix and Lewis simply nodded.

“Everyone say, Sin City!”

We all shouted it as my phone did snap after snap. I liked to do the burst shots because I preferred natural-looking pictures, and out of the twenty in the burst, there was bound to be at least four that were gold. After about five minutes of posing for pictures with Lewis in the frame, he took over as the cameraman. It was over then. When you put us in front of a camera together with someone else taking the snaps, we turned into a whole different monster. It was like when the power rangers morphed together into that one super ranger.

I turned my back to Lewis and looked over my shoulder. Nix leaned close, touching her cheek to mine while resting her hand on top of my ass. I peeped the way Lewis lowered the camera for a few seconds before he brought it back up to take the picture. When we changed poses for me to lift Nix’s leg to show off the skin of her thigh, Lewis again lowered the phone, this time I saw him lick his lips before he sucked his bottom one for a few moments. This was going swimmingly, I thought to myself.

Lewis let us settle in while he took care of a little business, and that was when I saw he’d had my bags placed in his room. It felt good to know he was on the same page as you were about this Vegas trip. Sometimes it was hard to decipher what someone’s true thoughts and feelings were. With Lewis, sometimes it was plain as day.

The knock at the door had me turning to see Nix leaning on the door looking around.

“So, what’s the plan? I’m starving.”

“You’re always hungry.”

“Listen, don’t try to hunger shame me, just feed me,” she countered as she walked inside the room to plop down beside me.

“Look.”

Handing her my phone so she could see the comment under one of the pictures I’d posted from the balcony shoot. I watched her face closely, and when I saw her jaw drop, I snorted.

“Your followers are freaks.”

The two of you laughed together before Nix stretched out on the bed. As if not liking the position, she brought her legs under her to sit on her shins. The shorts she wore had ridden up her thigh.

“I mean, he said it, not me,” I defended as I got more comfortable. Not realizing how close my phone was, I accidentally pushed it off the bed.

“I’ll get it,” Nix offered, crawling to the right side of the bed to bend over the edge to get my phone.

With Nix’s ass high in the air, that was the moment Lewis walked in. Almost instantly, his eyebrow shot up with his eyes glued to her ass. It couldn’t have gone better even if I had planned it. He liked what he saw.

“I got it.” She handed me the phone.

“Hey, babe.”

In shock, Nix yelped and turned, looking at Lewis.

“You guys look super comfortable in here,” Lewis answered. I laid down, placing my head in Nix’s lap.

“It’s a nice bed, hard not to be comfortable.”

Lewis loudly cleared his throat before he spoke. “So, what do you guys want to do?”

“This one is begging to be fed,” I said, tapping Nix’s knee.

“Okay, let’s go. I know the perfect restaurant.”

“Great,” Nix replied, instantly moving off the bed. “I’ll meet you guys downstairs.” With that, she was gone.

Lewis’s eyes roamed over my body before he crossed the room to stand at the foot of the bed, looking down at me.

“How long’s it been?”

“You tell me,” I countered. His smile was again one of the flirt.

“A few weeks?”

“Just about.”

Lewis lowered his body on top of mine, but he didn’t touch me. I opened my legs, pressing them back to the mattress, reminding him just who he was fucking with. I watched him look down my body to my pressed back legs. He scoffed before he looked back to my eyes.

“Ready for me, huh?”

Bringing my foot to his crotch, I felt his hardening patch. “Maybe about as ready as you are for me.”

Quickly Lewis dropped his lips to mine and kissed me. Wasting no time, he delved his tongue into my mouth, swirling his with mine. I moaned on his lips and wrapped my legs around his back. Finally, he pressed his muscled body to mine, teasing me with every hardened plane of his frame. He was absolute perfection.

Lewis moaned once more before he pulled away. “Didn’t you want to eat?”

“I could definitely eat,” I said, reaching for the buttons of his pants. He groaned and took a few steps back.

“Good things come to those who wait, beautiful.”

Lewis nudged his head, signaling for us to go. He was going to be the death of me, I thought.

Twenty minutes later, the three of us found ourselves at a restaurant that served a mix of breakfast and lunch options. When we sat, Nix moved to sit on my right while keeping Lewis on my left, but after a subtle rearrangement, Lewis was in the middle with both of us on either side of him. I could tell she had questions, but she kept them to herself. I knew I’d have to clue her in soon.

“So Nix, anything in particular you want to do while here?”

She looked at Lewis as she finished chewing. “Not really. I’m pretty easy.”

“Oh, really?”

She smirked and shook her head, “When it comes to fun,” Nix clarified. Lewis smiled and nodded.

“Lani’s told me so much about you.”

“Oh yeah? All bad, I’m sure. Don’t believe anything she’s told you.”

I kissed my teeth and rolled my eyes.

“Oh, so don’t believe that you’re funny as hell, really sweet, talented, a damn good cook, and that you’re a great person?”

Nix looked at me and melted. She was easy.

“Awww, Lani,” she began.

“Shut up, don’t make it weird.”

The three of us chuckled before Nix continued. “Those you can believe, but I’m not as sweet as she says.”

“You look pretty sweet to me,” Lewis slid in.

The way Nix looked at him said she was speechless. When she looked at me, I smiled and gave her a look to say, “told you.” The man was walking charm.

“Looks can be deceiving.”

“You’re sweeter than you look,” I added, leaning to Lewis’s cheek to place a soft kiss to it. “Trust me,” I whispered into his ear.

A few moments later, my phone went off.

MSG Nix: What are you doing?

MSG: Nothing. What do you mean?

MSG Nix: You’re being weird.

MSG: I’m not. I promise.

MSG Nix: What are you up to?

MSG: Nothing.

The look she gave me was one that said she didn’t believe shit out my mouth. I didn’t blame her. I was utterly up to no good.

After some lunch, Lewis took us around to show us the sights along the strip. The three of us quickly roamed through Vegas’s version of Ripley’s Believe or Not before making it to do a little retail therapy. I roamed around the store with my arm laced through Lewis’s picking up different things. That was when I got one of my best ideas. With my arms filled with clothes, I whispered to Lewis for him to sit back and enjoy the show.

When I came out dressed in a skin-tight dress, Lewis’s eyes roamed my body, examining the way it hugged my curves.

“Do you like it?”

Lewis signaled me to spin, so I did. When I looked at him again, he looked pleased.

“The color’s nice on you. Looks good.”

“Your turn Nix. Come on.”

“I don’t have to come out. I’m good.”

Rolling my eyes, I went to the door of her dressing room, opened it, and pulled her out.

“Lani!”

“Wow, that looks incredible on you.”

She traced her hands over her body before she turned to look in the mirror, turning her back to Lewis.

“Yeah?”

“Definitely, get it. Right, babe?”

Nix didn’t turn, but I saw her looking at him through the mirror.

“Yeah, get it,” Lewis answered before his eyes dropped back to his phone.

That was not acceptable, I thought.

On the second reveal, I wore a low cut white top and a pair of leather pants. Lewis had me come closer to touch on the pants. While he appreciated visuals, he appreciated the touch more. When Nix came out, she had on a figure-hugging leather dress with a plunging neckline.

“Wow,” Lewis exclaimed.

Bingo, I thought. Nix turned to face him, but she looked at me. Nodding my encouragement, she looked at him.

“Yeah? Is that a good wow?”

“Uh—it’s, you look great,” Lewis added.

“You can do better than that, babe,” I coaxed.

Lewis licked his lips and slid his phone back into his pocket. “It looks good on you.”

As I walked back into my dressing room, I heard him correct himself. “Really good.”

I considered that a win.

After trying on a few more items, we cashed out. Lewis being the gentleman he was offered to pay for the entire thing. Nix protested, but when she did, he insisted even more, so she conceded and accepted defeat.

When we made it to one of Vegas’s most popular attractions—the sky jump from the top of the STRAT hotel, Lewis went first and made it look like a breeze. He was so carefree about it too that it made me want to go next. Nix didn’t protest; she looked terrified.

Once I jumped off the edge, it was the most exhilarating and terrifying feeling I’d ever felt. Everything zipped past my eyes. For a few seconds, I felt like I wasn’t attached to the rope and that I was plummeting to my death, but the minute the rope snagged and bounced me up, and down I relaxed. It was incredible. Vegas was beautiful.

When it was Nix’s turn, she damn near freaked out. She tried several times to back out, but I wouldn’t let her. After several minutes of talking her into it and assuring her it would be the best thing ever, she approached the operator only to back away. That was when Lewis stepped in.

“Look at me, if you really don’t want to do it, that’s cool but listen to my voice for a minute. Are you looking at me?”

She nodded. Lewis placed his hands on his waist and held her in place.

“The worst part is right here. Don’t think about it. You’re safe. This will be one of the things you’ll remember for the rest of your life. This is all we have in life, memories of experiences, and times we truly lived. After everything Lani’s told me about you, I’m sure you can do this.”

Though she still looked as if she were half a heartbeat from passing out, she looked more confident. Nix nodded and turned back around. She stood there for almost a full minute before she shook her head no.

“Would it be better if Lew did it with you?”

Both sets of eyes landed on me. It was obvious they hadn’t thought about it.

“He can go with her, right?”

The three of us looked back to the operator who nodded.

“See,” I added.

“I don’t wanna make you. It would be weird,” Nix protested.

“No, it wouldn’t be weird. It’s fine. Are you okay with it?”

“Absolutely,” I assured.

Lewis suited up again, and in less than a minute, he was ready to take another dive. As I watched the operator secure them both the harness, I had to hold the glee in to yet another situation I hadn’t planned that was working in my favor. I knew Nix, and in order for her to be at all receptive to what I was going to suggest, she had to be comfortable. When they were secured, Nix and Lewis were harnessed together fastened together at the chest. They looked like conjoined twins.

Nix looked to me, and I gave her two thumbs up and a smile.

“You got this bestie!” She rolled her eyes and looked like she wanted to kill me for getting her into this.

“Ready?”

“No.”

Lewis chuckled before he nodded to the operator, and just like that, he jumped, taking them both over the edge. I could hear Nix’s scream the entire time. It was too funny not to laugh. There were a few moments of silence, but they didn’t last long. From the video attached to the contraption's overhead hood, I could see that her legs were now wrapped around his waist, and Lewis was securely holding her to him. His laugh was loud, as was her chastising him for laughing at her. They were already bantering like old friends. By the time the operator began pulling them back up, they were now staring at each other like not quite just friends. Maybe this would be easier than I thought, I theorized.

We took in a few more sights before we stopped at the famous Bellagio fountains to take in the show. It was beautiful. I could tell why Vegas always mystified everyone. It was easy to become another person and get lost in the lights. Coming here, lines always became blurred. When we got back to the penthouse, the plan was to freshen up and get ready for dinner, then a club.

After a shower, I stood in front of the window, trying to decide which dress to wear. That was when Lewis crept up behind him, wrapping his arms around my midsection.

“There you are. Where’ve you been?”

“I had a little meeting with my team. I’m sorry,” he whispered while kissing a trail from my shoulder up my neck until he got to my ear lobe. Moaning, I sank back onto him.

“You smell incredible.”

“I know.”

Lewis’s hand slowly slid down my body until it dipped into my underwear. When I felt the soft brush of his fingers against my sex, I sharply gasped, dropping my head back onto his chest.

“Mmm.”

“Yeah, you’ve been craving this, haven’t you?”

I nodded; there was no point in frontin’. He began slowly, lazily circling around my clit. His touch was so damn soft. It felt as If it was barely there. Within seconds I began wriggling, hoping he got the hint to pick up the pace. Lewis chuckled, clearly enjoying how he had you.

“What do you want, babe?”

“You know what I want, Lew.”

“Use your words, princess.”

I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction, but I also wanted my happy ending.

“Make me come, daddy.”

Lewis groaned loudly, sending the vibrations through my body. That was all it took for my body to blaze. Lewis pinched my clit then slapped it.

“Fuck, babe.”

“Are you wet for me, princess?”

“So fucking wet.”

He circled my clit again, this time giving you the amount of pressure and speed you needed. Sighing, you focused on the sensations that were coursing through you. His hands were a major turn-on for me. He looked like he used them often. Just as I was getting used to the way my body hummed from his fingers, he switched it up. When you felt him dip his middle finger inside of me, my knees buckled.

Lewis’s strong arms held me steady as he backed us to the bed. He sat and placed me on his lap, leaving my legs wide for him. He retreated his finger only to add another digit to slip inside of me.

“Mmm, fuck daddy.”

“You are wet for me. You feel so fucking hot.”

The slow way he sank and retreated his fingers inside of me only inched me closer and closer to madness. My pants echoed in the room and mingled with his deep, sultry moans. When he pulled them out to show you what a mess you’d made, he brought them to your lips.

“Clean them off.”

Not needing to be told twice, I lowered my lips over his fingers and sucked them clean, all the while showcasing just how deep my throat went. His moan became louder, but before you could take control of the moment, he pulled his fingers free and dipped three digits inside of you, stretching you—prepping you for his thickness.

“Fuck!”

His movements were no longer slow. He plunged in and out of me with a speed that had your back arching and your hand wrapping around the back of his neck where your nails sunk in.

“You sure you wanna come?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, who?”

“Yes, daddy. Please make me come.”

Lewis added a twisting and rotating motion. It felt as if there was some sort of spiraling toy inside of me, and that was when I lost my shit.

“Yes, yes, fuck! I’m coming!”

It must have been music to his ears because, with his other hand, he pinched my nipple, sending me over the threshold and into a soft cloud pillow of ecstasy.

“Such a good girl!”

Lewis pulled his fingers free, and they were absolutely soaked. He gently tossed me onto the bed, then stood before me. I watched as he licked and sucked his fingers clean before he added a sly wink before he turned and walked into the bathroom.

Dropping my head to the bed, I groaned out, “The fuck!”

Dinner was delicious. Lewis picked one of the five-star restaurants that had given him an open invitation to come and see what they had to offer. When he walked in, all eyes were on the three of you. No doubt every woman wondering the same thing—how could they get a piece of him. all through dinner, the three of you laughed and told stories.

Lewis told Nix and several stories from his set life and even dropped some fun facts about some of his costars or scenes we’d seen in some of his shows. When he asked about some of the shenanigans we got into, I didn’t hesitate telling him several stories that showcased Nix and my insanity. Every story had him laughing, and Nix cringing from all the tea I was dropping.

“I can’t believe we did half of that,” Nix remarked.

“Oh stop, don’t act like it was some other person. Your ass is just as crazy as me. It’s one of the reasons we get along so well. Plus, I know you always have my back,” I added.

Lewis raised his glass. “To best friends then.”

Nix and I raised our glasses, but before anyone took a drink, I spoke up. “To best friends and new friends.”

The two of them looked at me, shrugged, then tapped glasses.

As the liquor burned its way down my throat, I shivered and flailed my hands. “Wooo, let’s get out of here. I’m ready to dance!”

Within five minutes, the three of us were in the back of another chauffeured car on our way to one of the hottest clubs in Vegas.

“So, is there a Mr. Vix?”

“If there were, I wouldn’t be here.”

“I doubt you’re the kind of woman who would allow a man to dictate what she could or couldn’t do,” Lewis countered.

She has a soft smile on her lips, a sign of her conceding.

“No, there’s no Mr. Nix.”

“Is that by choice or circumstance?”

“I choose my circumstances so--.”

If there was one thing, Lewis liked it was mental sparring. I could tell he was intrigued by her. It made my plan easier.

When we walked into the club, the music's loudness and the bright neon colors set the tone for the night. It was going to be a crazy, fun few hours. After situating in one of the VIP areas and downing a few drinks, I was up dancing with Nix while Lewis watched on and bopped to the music. As the alcohol began to take effect, we got into dancing and having a good time. Soon it became who could dance the most despite the number of drinks they’d had.

After an hour or so, I pulled Lewis up to dance with us. I was in the middle with Lewis behind me and Nix in front. She twerked her ass onto me, while I did the same to Lewis. He held his own, but I wasn’t surprised. He looked like he knew how to dance. It was yet another turn-on. Lewis nipped my neck before he playfully rammed my ass with his crotch. Turning to him, I whispered I was going to get another drink.

“Dance with Nix.” He met my eyes with a question in his. Before he could open his mouth, I kissed him and walked off.

It wasn’t a complete lie. I did want to get another drink, but I also wanted him to dance with Nix. After a few moments, Lewis approached her. She was at the railing, holding on with one hand while waving the other in the air. She was lost in her own world. I knew it was partly because of the alcohol. She turned and came face to face with him. both of them awkwardly laughed before Nix cheered along with everyone around when the DJ changed the song to Despacito.

As she sang along, they both swayed to the beat. Every so often, Lewis leaned in and whispered something to her that had her giggling. Once the chorus started, she’d spun around and began winding her hips, adding in that Latin flare that Miami was known for, and that was also embedded in her DNA.

Lewis dropped his eyes to her ass for so long. I didn’t think he’d make a move to dance with her, but when he stepped closer and placed his hand on Nix’s waist, I jumped as if I’d seen my own child score a touchdown. Soon their bodies synced, and they were dancing to the music but at a respectful distance. Lewis grabbed her hand and spun her back around, and the two did a mix of a salsa and bachata.

From afar, they looked like they were having a good time. They sure as hell danced well together. Toward the middle of the song, he spun Nix back around. This time her back was pressed to his chest. That was when Nix rolled her body to dip to the floor. While bringing herself back up, she poked her ass out but not far enough that she touched him. Getting closer, I thought to myself before I made my way back over.

By the end of the night, the three of you were tripping over your feet. Once we pushed through the penthouse's doors, it was Nix who had the idea to get into the pool. She wasted no time stripping down to her underwear and jumping in. Lewis and I were not far behind her. We swam and joked around with each other like drunken fools who had no cares in the world. After about an hour of swimming and acting like children with water games like Marco Polo and catch, we were leaned against the pool's wall enjoying another drink.

“The two of you are a lot of fun,” Lewis sighed out before he knocked back another rum shot.

“I tried to tell you. We know how to have a good time,” I reiterated.

“As you can see by the one who has on no bra, she’s the one who has the most fun,” Nix teased.

“You’re welcome to join the no bra club to take part in the fun,” I countered.

There was no missing my meaning, and from the way she looked at me, I knew she got it. Nix looked like she was thinking about it, then her eyes shifted to Lewis who was watching the exchange. She made a move as if to unhook the front of her strapless bra, but as her hands made it to the front of her body, she lowered them and cleared her throat.

“Ehm, I’m exhausted, probably jet-lagged. I think I’m gonna go pass out.”

“Really?”

“Yep.” She turned and swam to the steps of the pool before she climbed out of the water. “But by all means—you two enjoy the rest of the night.”

Nix scooped up her dress off the floor and walked toward the sliding doors. “Oh, Lewis, thank you for the invitation this weekend.”

“Don’t mention it.” Nix nodded, then disappeared inside.

“Is she okay?”

“Probably just drank too much.”

I swam to him, took his glass, and finished it before placing it behind him. “What would you say if I didn’t trust myself to walk?”

“Then, I’d carry you to bed.”

Crashing my lips to his, my mouth stole his moan and made it my own. In seconds I was more than ready to be carried to bed and fucked to sleep. As if hearing my thoughts, Lewis pulled me to him and swam toward the steps. Forgetting our clothes, he walked inside, never taking his lips from mine. At the top of the steps in the hall, he pressed me to the wall giving me an idea of how much he wanted me. Scraping his back, I moaned loudly.

“Fuck I’m so hard for you.”

“I want you, Lew.”

When be busted into the bedroom, he quickly dropped me back onto the bed and peeled off his boxer-briefs as I pulled off my underwear. When he pressed between your legs, you whispered to him to fuck you. Your self-control was gone, and you didn’t care if there was no foreplay. This entire day was foreplay enough.

When Lewis thrust forward, connecting our bodies, I shrieked out and arched backward. Lewis pressed his hand to the center of my body as he rotated his hips, making my thighs hit the bed, giving him complete access to ruin you any way he saw fit.

“Fuck, Lani!”

His thrusts sped up and turned bruising. Each connection had your breasts swinging and your body shaking. Just when you were getting used to the pace, he set he changed the name of the game and slowed it down, making goosebumps prickle my skin. His lips found yours, and he took control of that too, the same way he was showing me owned my pussy tonight.

“Whose pussy is this, Lani?”

“Yours.”

“Damn right, it’s mine!”

As if shedding the gentleness, he kicked it up a notch with the way he plowed into me. With every dip, your body hugged him, making it next to impossible for him to retreat. With every snug squeeze, Lewis grunted loudly.

“Fuck, right there, daddy.”

When he pulled out and flipped me onto my belly, I knew what was coming. Within seconds, he slammed back inside of me, sending his dick so deep I saw stars. It was then I realized the blinds in the room were wide open.

“Mm. I love how wet you are for me. Does this pussy love this dick?”

“Yes, yes, yes!”

Lewis grabbed the back of my neck and went to town. I could tell he was lost in his pleasure and the pursuit of his own release. It didn’t take long for your legs to shake and for you to drop onto the bed. With you splayed across the mattress, he only adjusted his angle and fed you every single thick inch he possessed. In seconds I’d come for the fourth time and gripped him as if he threatened to leave. His thrusts staggered and became sloppier and more desperate. He was close.

“Fuck, I’m gonna come, Lani. Do you want it?”

“Yes, daddy, give it to me.”

After a few more thrusts, he slammed forward and shot stream after stream inside of me. Every few seconds, he grunted and tried to bury himself deeper and deeper though there was nowhere else for him to go. I was filled to the hilt. Thank god I were on birth control, you thought. That could have been the one to make him a real-life daddy.

“Fuck, girl!”

Lewis dropped a heavy slap to my ass before he collapsed beside me. Both of us laid there, trying to catch our breath before passing out from sheer exhaustion and satisfaction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If anyone wants to be tagged either send a message to either @munteanhorewrites or me @royallyprincesslilly or put it in the comments.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TagList:

@maxcullen @night-of-the-living-shred @chaneajoyyy @queenoftheworldisdead @shar74nett @raveviolet @dangerouslovefanfic @caramara3 @sonjashuterbugjohnson

Chapter Two will be on @munteanhorewrites page.

#sin in the city fic #sin in the city mini series #Lewis Tan #lewis tan fanfiction #lewis tan x black reader #black fanfiction

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autumnslance · 4 years

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((Shadowbringers 5.3-5.4. I wanted to have this done by the 15th of January but didn’t quite manage it because these two idiots are wordy as heck, and I initially started in the wrong place and POV. I wrote roughly 8000 words total and only ended up using half of them. There are letters and pining and admitting things happening here.

Below the cut as usual for those who prefer Tumblr to Ao3, but the formatting may work better on that site.))

Aeryn stepped through the mirror and into the familiar space of the Ocular, taking a moment to reorient herself after the rush of journeying between worlds. Once the vertigo had passed she left the Tower, the Crystarium guards greeting her as she crossed the Exedra. It took some questioning before she was finally pointed to where Ryne was currently; training with Captain Lyna just outside the city gates.

She simply watched for a time as Lyna tried to keep her distance while Ryne tried to close in. Aeryn did not announce herself, simply noting how Ryne’s bladework had improved, at least one new trick learned since the last time Aeryn had watched her fight.

“That is enough for now,” Lyna said as they reached a breakpoint in their dance. “And the Warrior of Darkness has waited long enough,” she continued with a wry smile in Aeryn’s direction.

Ryne started, then turned with a grin, hurrying over to give Aeryn a hug. “It’s good to see you! Oh sorry, I’m all sweaty…”

Aeryn laughed, brushing damp strands of hair from Ryne’s reddened face. It was still winter in Eorzea, but in Norvrandt spring was on the horizon and the morning was warm. “Not to worry. Hope you don’t mind the interruption.”

Lyna waved them off. “Go on; we can catch up later.”

Aeryn nodded, knowing the captain wanted word of her grandfather, and G’raha had given Aeryn a small package to deliver, but that would wait until Lyna was off duty and had readied herself. There was an order to such things with the stoic woman.

Instead, Aeryn turned back to Ryne and smiled. Had she gotten taller? “I have a question, if you’ll indulge me.”

“Of course!” Ryne answered as they walked across the bridge into the city. “What is it you need?”

“I have a note from Thancred; he and Urianger are currently on a mission, but he left me instructions for tod--well. The day it is back on the Source.”

“I see. What are the instructions?”

“I’m to ask you about the black willow box he kept in his room here.”

Ryne paused, a little sharp breath escaping. “Ryne?” Aeryn asked.

“Sorry! It’s just I was under strict instruction never to open the box, though I have the key now, of course; I still didn’t dare. It’s where he kept,” she hesitated.

“Kept what?”

“I’ll show you; it’s a good thing--I think--that he wants you to see. Come on!” Ryne dashed toward her apartment as if she hadn’t just completed a long practice session with the captain of the guard. Aeryn picked up her own pace to follow along after.

It did not take long for them to reach the apartment Ryne used to share with Thancred. As the girl opened the door, Aeryn realized it was the first time she had returned to these rooms since the Scions’ departure from the First. It was much as she remembered, though lacking Thancred’s continued presence. Evidence of Gaia’s frequent visits were visible instead, from lipstick-stained coffee mugs at the sink to dark ribbons left on an end table to a book that did not seem to be to Ryne’s taste on a sofa cushion.

Ryne paused in front of the door that had led to Thancred’s small room. “I haven’t been in here since,” she trailed off, shaking her head. “Gaia and Taynor sorted most of it, actually, so only a few personal things remain. I should probably move to a smaller suite to let someone else use the space…”

“Maybe you need a roommate,” Aeryn suggested. “Perhaps Gaia could stay with you.”

Ryne reddened. “We’ve considered it, but I’m just…” She gave a helpless little laugh as she shrugged, looking up at Aeryn apologetically. “I’m just not quite ready, I think. It’s silly, but there’s a part of me that keeps hoping they’ll find a way--a safe way--to return. Even just for a little while.”

Aeryn squeezed Ryne’s shoulder. “It’s not silly,” she said quietly. “And I keep hoping that, too. Fairly certain Y’shtola has it at the top of her projects list.”

Ryne laughed, truly this time. “She would!” She looked at the door again. “The box should be on the shelf above the writing desk,” she offered Aeryn a small key. “I’ll let you see for yourself.”

Aeryn nodded, taking the little key and entering the room.

It was familiar, yet unfamiliar. Always small, it had kept from being cramped mainly by virtue of Thancred’s own minimalist tendencies with his added reluctance of accumulating things on the First that he would have to leave behind in the end. Even so, the room felt barren, many necessities and items missing, given away to be used by others in need among the Crystarium’s residents; naught went to waste while still usable.

The bed was neatly made; her eyes lingered for a moment, recalling a handful of pleasant times curled up together in it. They had often met in her own chambers for privacy, especially when feeling the need for more than simple closeness. There was a bench under the shuttered window; he used to clean his gunblade there, storing materials and parts in a chest beneath the bench. Nothing remained but the seat.

The writing desk was really a tall square table, a stool for the chair, in a corner of the room. Two simple shelves hung on the wall above it, some of Thancred’s personal effects that remained neatly placed upon them. The black willow box was a simple but lovely piece of old Nabaath make. It was familiar only in that it was a part of the room, always upon the shelf above the desk, a background decoration.

She had to stretch a little to pull the small box down. She unlocked it, pondering what it could contain for one last moment before opening the lid to find out.

Neatly folded pages, Thancred’s familiar handwriting covering them, five different bundles marked by Vrandtic dates in Eorzean lettering. The earliest one was dated five--no, six years ago now, in the midst of Thancred’s first year in this world, just after the Vrandtic new year. The second bundle was dated a year later. Then the third, then a fourth. The final bundle broke the date pattern, written...She shivered. The dates would have been the time after they assaulted Mt Gulg and before seeking Emet-Selch and the Exarch in the Tempest, when she had lain in a Light-induced fever for days in between.

All of the letters, long and detailed, were addressed to her.

Aeryn carried the box to the window and opened the shutters, letting in the natural light of day. She sat at the bench, picked up the first letter, and began to read, brows already rising at the first line.

My Dear Aeryn,

It’s been roughly half a year, to me, since I arrived in this world. We search for a means to send me back, but given the dangers, it’s difficult to say if we shall ever be successful. I hold onto hope, given we have made the impossible happen more than once—particularly when you are involved.

I know so much less time is passing for you, even as time is difficult to track beneath the eternal Light, but the people still mark the hours and days as best they can--perhaps better than we do in the Source, reliant as we are upon the sun and stars. So as the calendar year turns to a new page, I find myself confronted by reminders of you at every turn, my own mind noting the dates, as if counting down to your nameday in truth.

Violas grown in the Hortorium call to mind your favored hair decoration and your scents carried with it. The heather meadows and clear mountain springs of Il Mheg make me think of the taste of your magic. Treasure hunters in Mord Souq unearth duelist rapiers reminiscent of your combat style. The grey waters of a lake, shifting in color and tone under the burning sky, remind me of your eyes and ever-shifting moods.

I think of our new situation, how fragile it all still seems, our duties as Scions, the distance between Ala Mhigo and Doma keeping us apart more often than I liked. Especially after already having denied my own interests for far longer than I care to admit.

I fear now, not knowing when I may return to your side--in whatever capacity--that I am forgetting important things, and I very much do not want to. So indulge me as I list your various qualities that I admire, to remind myself why I allowed myself to maintain my impossible infatuation for so long, even as you became one of my dearest friends...

Aeryn eyes widened as she turned to the next page, then quickly checked the several pages following; Thancred had indulged his bardic habits, writing in verse and engaging in wordplay. Even the most innocent descriptions and memories of moments together, professional and extremely personal, were laden with puns and innuendo--not entirely unexpected from him.

She was mostly through the verses, trying to parse every dedicated line, when a knock at the door startled her.

“Aeryn?” Gaia called. “Everything all right?”

She cleared her throat. “Fine; I’ve quite a bit of reading to do, though; I may need some water.”

The door opened, Gaia appearing with a tray already in hand. “Ryne thought you might--are you all right? You’re redder than I have ever seen, and that’s saying something.”

Aeryn pressed a hand to her warm cheeks. “I’m fine. Just...wasn’t expecting some of what I found so far.”

“Is that good or bad?” The girl asked, setting the tray on the nearby side table in easy reach. There was a small tea service and also ice water, bless them.

“It’s...Better than good,” Aeryn replied. “I may be awhile, though.”

Gaia shrugged in her nonchalant, pretending-not-to-care way. “Doesn't matter to me, but I was going to drag Ryne out for a while, just so you know. You’ll be fine here by yourself--won’t you?” A little genuine care came through in the last two words, despite her attempts to seem otherwise.

Aeryn nodded.

“All right. Enjoy your reading, and we’ll see you later.” Gaia gave a little wave before leaving, quietly closing the door behind her.

Aeryn cleared her throat again, sipping the cup of minty green tea--bless those girls again--and set the first letter aside for now. She would get back to that later; alone in her own room, where she could bury her face in a pillow and shriek like a schoolgirl when overwhelmed by his words, godsdamn him. For now, the second bundle had her curious.

My Dearest Aeryn,

I almost let the date slip by, I am ashamed to say. So much has happened in recent weeks...

She read through two pages of his recounting Minfilia’s story and the reincarnations that had followed, offering a small hope to Norvrandt; of Urianger and Y’shtola’s arrival, his anger at the spell’s failure and yet relief at seeing Urianger again; and their shift in focus upon learning of the Eighth Umbral Calamity.

...Urianger’s vision of the Calamity, of our deaths, is a sobering thought. The idea of you fallen especially freezes my blood. I cannot bear the thought.

So I redoubled my efforts to rescue the girl bearing Minfilia’s name and appearance. She sleeps now on a cot in this Mord town as I write. She can’t be more than twelve or thirteen summers; a frail little thing with no skills aside from reading books thicker than she is, and asking innumerable questions. They taught her nothing, simply locked her in a windowless cell under the waterline. For at least ten years, that is all the child’s known. If the fate Urianger saw for us makes my blood freeze, her situation makes it boil again. Should I chance to meet Eulmore’s General--the man responsible for her “care”--I will let him know exactly what I think.

Tomorrow Minfilia and I shall attempt to reach Nabaath Areng, the site of the Flood’s halting; the girl says she must go there, as if pulled. I have a hope I dare not voice yet. The Blessing of Light does work in such interesting ways.

But that is on the morrow; tonight, though a day late, I wished to write to you as I did last year. With the date in mind you have also been in my thoughts--when I’ve had a moment to think, at least--and I find myself recalling more and more often the little things. Simple things. Things I fear I may forget, having been here for years now, years without the way you tilt your head when you have a question. It initially annoyed me actually, you were so quiet but now, gods I would give much to be in your silence again, to see that quizzical look. Anything to see the little furrow between your brows when you’re thinking. When you prop your chin on your hands as you stare out a window, tea forgotten in your hand. How you unconsciously wriggle and make faces as you read, reacting to the pages, lips silently moving as you devour each word...

“Oh I do not,” Aeryn muttered--realizing in the same moment that she was doing that now. She sipped her tea and kept reading, noting how he wrote, as much as what; the moments where he had scratched out words, or underlined others. The splots where the pen had sat on the page a moment longer than normal as he thought of what he wanted to admit to. The way the letters slanted in places where he was eager. There was no poetry this time, fewer puns and word play. He had written when tired and possibly injured, given the shakiness of some lettering.

There were places where he couldn’t remember clearly--what perfume had she worn on the day of a particular memory? Was she wearing her red coat, or a blue dress in another? He wasn’t certain.

The letter wrapped up several pages later.

...I must get some sleep, given the long trek across the Amber Hills awaiting. I don’t know what will happen when we arrive, but whatever it is, I’ll keep the girl safe. Taking care of her is the only thing I can do, lacking the skills of the Exarch and our colleagues. Particularly now that we have abandoned the idea of going home--yet. I still don’t know how I feel about that, having struggled to find a way back for so long now, but there must be a home to return to. To save ourselves, we must save this realm. Forgive me; as much as I yearn to see you again, I wish for you to live far more. Despite everything, I still remain

Yours, Thancred.

Aeryn drew in a sharp breath; the previous letter’s signature had been much simpler, after all the floweriness of the verses. This simpler, newsy, reminiscent letter had such a different feel to it, so much changing for him in that year. Her eyes kept drifting to that closing.

It took a few moments before she was able to refold that bundle and open the next.

His next year in the First; this one another detailed description of events he survived, and quite a lot about Ryne, still only known as Minfilia at the time.

...I actually began this letter yesterday, as we rested in a small inn at the edge of the Greatwood. I thought of seeking out Y’shtola, but am unfamiliar with those dark and twisting paths, and was low on ammunition. Minfilia was exhausted, unable to fight or imbue cartridges, and I won’t risk her more than our constant travels already do.

It was she who reminded me that I had been writing, before she made me take my rest as well. I’ve never told her about these letters, but she’s a bright girl and I have told her of you. Sometimes it’s simply because she is curious about you, and the hope that you’ll come here and save yourself, as well as the rest of us. Many times though I don’t mean to say anything, but the stories simply come, like a slumbering spring awoken by new rains, bubbling up and overflowing the riverbanks.

It’s something about her, I suppose, that makes me remember, and so I must speak before the memories fade back into the dustier corridors of my mind. Perhaps an effect of her unique Blessing? Or perhaps simply her childish curiosity drawing it out of me.

There’s a selfish part of me that wants you to meet her. It would mean that you’re here, for one, but also I think you two would get along. She’s a good girl--with her moments of petulance and stubbornness, as many youths are wont, but she’s come such a long way already, has learned so quickly.

I fear influencing her. The choice she must make is so important, and it must be hers. You would be a much better role model; you inspire others to do what’s best simply by your presence. I’ve felt the lack of you more keenly this last year than ever before...

Aeryn read through, noting he wrote it more like a conversation she had yet to answer. Memories of their adventures and companionship were woven through the words more naturally as he spoke to her. She smiled as he spent a good chunk of the letter not even realizing how he had gushed about Ryne and all she had learned and how she had grown in that first year they spent together, as if he were trying to ensure Aeryn would love the child as much as he so obviously did--even if the foolish man hadn’t been able to tell the girl so until it had almost been too late.

But then, that was Thancred; locking his thoughts and feelings behind stoicism, snark, and literally in a box on a shelf.

She traced her nail along the letters of his name--again signed “Yours”--before tucking that bundle away and picking up the fourth.

By this time the twins were somewhere in Norvrandt, though Thancred had no opportunity to see them as Eulmore’s hunters were ever close. He wrote to Aeryn of his frustration with how many Scions had come to the First but she was still so far away and still in so much danger, alongside the rest of the Source and this shard itself. If she couldn’t come to Norvrandt to break the Light’s hold over the realm then the girl would have to make her choice sooner rather than later--and perhaps face the same fate as all of her predecessors.

He admitted that he feared both of those outcomes. He seemed to have begun to cross out that line, but had stopped himself.

...A nasty part of me believes you will never receive these nameday letters. That these are simply my way of remembering yet another important woman in my life I will never see again. I try not to dwell on such thoughts, try to keep busy, but you know me. Perhaps better than anyone since our Minfilia. How I wish I could speak with you again; patrolling through Mor Dhona, lunch at Rowena’s cafe, stargazing on the roofs of Ala Mhigo, reading in the Waking Sands’ dusty library. Simply holding you until we fall asleep, those few, rare moments we had. You always made me say more than I ever meant to; you’ve a way of drawing me out despite myself—and failing that, of simply being there as a brilliant, warm presence.

There are places here I want to show you, things I want to share. Yet I fear your coming, what it will mean. What changes I’ve experienced. What we had was...comfortable, and felt right, after so long, and yet it was still so new and fragile. I used to be confident in my ability to be delicate, but these last few years with this girl have made me feel boorish and clumsy. And I know I have changed, not just because of her, but everything in this hard world. Will you recognize me when we meet? Will you still want me, when you were already so uncertain before?

I suppose I shan’t know until you’re here, or we find a way home. Given the Exarch’s record, the former seems more likely. And it still worries me, much as I know it’s the better course to preserve all we hold dear...

Aeryn stared out the window for a long moment; she had known of his doubts, his fears; when she had arrived and finally found him again, it had been difficult. Yet despite everything, they had gotten past it.

She eyed the final bundle, slimmer than the rest, those dates seeming so heavy though she had no conscious recollection of them, given her state at the time. Having finished the tea, she poured a glass of water and began to read.

Aeryn,

Ryne assures us you will still be Aeryn when you wake; her wards hold for now. I pray long enough to find a cure for what those bastards did to you. What we did to you, unknowing. Will you be pleased to know I have not struck Urianger for his part? I was too tired and injured as we returned, and occupied with carrying you besides. Now I simply am too weary in heart and mind to conjure that initial anger, and he has had time to explain how the Exarch coerced him into his confidence.

I am still not happy about it.

For five years I waited to see you again, thought about you through many days and most nights--such as they are, here. It’s funny what one can become accustomed to in time. Finally seeing you again was a jolt to every one of my senses as the missing you had long since become more real to me, much as I longed for your presence.

And as I feared, you hesitated. I don’t blame you; I know this place changed me. What we had back home was still so new, despite the prior years we had known each other. So I tried to be content to merely be in your company once more. We had rebuilt our friendship once, we could do it again. I had been a fool to think I deserved more.

Then you sought me out in Rak’tika. Do I need to tell you how you intoxicated me that day? I hope I was a comfort, both in words and in the release you needed. The distance still felt too great, but this much, at least, I could give. I thought it would be enough, to simply be what you needed in the moment.

I know now that I was once again fooling myself.

These last few months traveling and fighting and just being together have been a strange mix of stress and relief; our mission had been dangerous and difficult in so many ways, and yet working together, it was hard not to get caught up in the optimism, in the feeling that things would turn out, that we would find a way.

And you were here; your quizzical headtilts, your faces when you read, the white flowers in your hair. Your silences, your laughter, your strength in combat and your helping with every common chore in the vicinity. I thought I could simply be happy to bask in your steady light.

But now, seeing it tear you apart, it is not enough; it never was, and never will be. I can live with it, should that be your wish. My wish, however, is to continue what we had once begun. To hold you close not only occasionally but always.

Aeryn felt a hard lump in her throat; there was a decent space between the lines, the ink thick where he had hesitated, the initial letters shaky. Still he had written them:

I am in love with you, Aeryn.

It’s taken me time to collect myself after rereading what I just wrote and fighting the urge to burn the whole page. A part of me fears that you will scoff, though the greater part of me knows--hopes--better of you.

And the gods know you deserve better than me, but if you’ll have me, I certainly won’t complain.

I know after everything with Ryne I ought to say it to you aloud. That it may already be too late to do so. I pray that isn’t the case. I pray I find the courage and the words both to say what you deserve to hear. Even should you never reciprocate; if that should be the case, you shall never hear another whisper from me on the matter.

But I hold out a small hope, that you will, that you do. That we will have the chance to discuss the matter further. That you survive.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I only know I’ll be at your side until the end; there’s nowhere else I can be.

Ryne is calling; hold on just a little while longer, darling.

Yours always, Thancred.

She covered her face with her hands, emotions and memories flooding over her. There were words before finally confronting Emet-Selch in his memory of Amaurot. More than words on returning to the Crystarium, bodies twined together in relief and comfort.

Then she had returned to the Source to report their success. She came back to the First as quickly as she could, though; not only was there still much work to do, but he was here, and things were...not exactly different, but not quite the same, either.

As she reread the last page, she noticed a swiftly written addendum on the back. She turned it over.

I carried these letters all the way to the Tempest, thinking if I failed to say anything I might at least give them to you--they are yours, after all. But of course no time seemed right, and with a screwing of my courage (and pointed prodding from Urianger), at the last I was able to say what I wished. Miraculously, you said it too.

And now here we are, you peacefully asleep while the night sky wheels overhead and I still hear the celebrations outside despite the ungodly hour. I’ll rejoin you in a moment, but I needed some time to attempt to process the last few days. What happened in the Tempest. The fact you’re alive, and healthy, and claim to love me in return.

I’m not entirely certain why, but I won’t complain, either.

Rereading these letters, I’m not sure I’m quite ready to hand them over yet. They’ll return to their box for now, and perhaps in a few days I’ll be ready to show you.

Aeryn laughed lightly; of course he had hesitated to share them. The letters showed all his vulnerabilities behind the serious, confident facade he had developed. And with everything in the Empty, and then Elidibus, it was no wonder the letters had fallen to the wayside.

Until her actual nameday on the Source had come around, his note delivered with her breakfast by Tataru per Thancred’s instructions while he was on his latest reconnaissance. It wasn’t as if he could have brought the letters with him, after all--nor given them to her in front of the rest of the Scions in the Ocular, nevermind how public their relationship was now.

She rubbed her face--she had cried more than a few times while reading--and replaced the letters in the box. She locked it, and pocketed the key.

The girls were still out so it was no trouble to take the tea service to the sink and clean it, along with the other dishes, giving her time and activity to settle. She finished by washing her own face, removing some evidence of her emotion.

Since the first year she had joined the Scions, they had given each other gifts; she had discovered his nameday from Minfilia, gifting him the orchestrion roll of a song she knew he liked from a favorite minstrel. Her own first nameday as a Scion had been missed due to Lahabrea and Baelsar’s schemes, but Thancred was certain to make up for it. Sometimes they were late, or even early, but they always managed a little something, even as friends.

Aeryn took the box with her as she left Ryne’s apartment. She still had a few people to see while here on the First--starting with Lyna and the messages from G’raha--but then she would retire to her own suite in the Pendants and do a bit of rereading.

And maybe a bit more once she returned home, too; after all, if she timed it right, it would still be her nameday, and the best time to reread her present.

#Final Fantasy XIV #Lyn Writing #Shadowbringers #Thancred Waters #Thancred x WoL #Shippy Nonsense #Aeryn Striker #Pining

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actonbellworks · 3 years

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BTS and art-pop; a postmodern analysis of the album Love Yourself: Tear (2017)

this is an essay i wrote for a uni assignment, and i really wanted to post it here, so,,,

The closest definition of postmodern music, by Jonathan Kramer, in his 1996 essay Postmodern Concepts of Musical Time, is described in several characteristics. It is not a repudiation or a continuation of modernism, but contains aspects of both; it is, on some level, ironic, disregards the value of structural unity, and seeks to break down the distinctions between ‘highbrow’ and ‘lowbrow’ music. Postmodern music refuses to be cast into a specific mold, includes detailed references, is pluralistic and eclectic, but above all, it locates its meaning much more in the listener than it does in the actual music and performance. In his essay, Answering the Question: what is Postmodernism? Jean Francois Lyotard defines postmodernism as part of the modern, conceding to perhaps the most influential critic of Postmodernism, Jurgen Habermas, as he writes, “The postmodern would be that which, in the modern, puts forward the unpresentable in presentation itself…”. The phenomenon of the postmodern, as critics have tried to define it, exists in spite of a definition.

This leads us to another, far more important question; can we define ‘popular’ music as ‘postmodern’? Critics still hesitate to attribute the ‘postmodern’ or the ‘art-pop’ tag to mainstream popular music, because they view postmodernist music and art-pop as a genre that is inexorably linked with modernism, which implies that there has to be a predecessor for popular music to be classified as ‘postmodern’. In another definition, one that is, perhaps, far more closer to the hypothesis laid out by Kramer, is that Postmodernist music, and indeed, the postmodernist movement, developed as a reaction to modernism, and as such, incorporates the attributes of modernism as well as defies it to a certain extent.

The genre of K-pop has been popularised all over the world largely due to the influence of the seven-member band BTS (방탄소년단 in Korean), and their detailed musicality, which is perhaps showcased best in their third studio album, Love Yourself 轉 ‘Tear’, widely regarded as one of their most intricate works. True to the definition of postmodern music, the album smoothly shifts genres, sometimes in the gap of a single song, although there is a thematic, sometimes singular focus on the feelings of loss and loneliness. To centre a musical venture around the idea of love and loss is nothing new, perhaps, but ‘Tear’ refuses to play into any of the common tropes.

The term ‘postmodern’ contains an air of elitism with it, as it still refers to practices that developed as a reaction to the modernist methods of the twentieth century. It directly challenges the strict rules of modernist art, a return to pre-modernist era art techniques, and above all, it removes the boundaries between the “classical” and the “popular”. BTS has been termed as ‘popular music’ by critics, and while the label ‘popular music’ is considered restrictive, for many music critics, ‘Tear’ represents how the genre can be pushed to its limits, moving beyond the limitations set by the industry and by music critics in general.

Perhaps one of the most dynamic songs in the LP’s tracklist is the title track, “FAKE LOVE”, the music video for which begins with silence, and the track is completed by a jagged guitar riff that cuts off abruptly to a scene of the seven members, dressed in robes and masks that look eerily reminiscent of the early Greek comedic tradition, in which every character is identifiable by their masks and their choice of costumery. The teaser for the music video, interestingly, had the piece, Waltz in A-flat major, OP. 9, No. 1 by Frédéric Chopin, also termed as ‘The Farewell Waltz’ or ‘Valse de l’adieu’. Chopin’s music and BTS’ song both move in circles, without reaching a conclusion. Chopin’s waltz moves in ¾ beats, until it ends abruptly, and FAKE LOVE reiterates the same line,

Love you so bad, love you so bad

널 위해 예쁜 거짓을 빚어낸

Love it's so mad, love it's so mad

날 지워 너의 인형이 되려 해

널 위해서라면 난

슬퍼도

Which loosely translates to “love you so bad/ I create a beautiful lie for you/ love you so mad/ I try to become your doll by erasing myself.” Both pieces move around the idea of loss, with neither reaching anywhere fruitful. Chopin’s waltz ends where it had begun, in the middle of his heartbreak, and BTS end their song with the refrain of

기쁜 척 할 수가 있었어

널 위해서라면 난

아파도 강한 척 할 수가 있었어

사랑이 사랑만으로 완벽하길

내 모든 약점들은 다 숨겨지길

이뤄지지 않는 꿈속에서

피울 수 없는 꽃을 키웠어

Which again, translates to “for you, I could pretend to be happy even when sad/ for you I could pretend I was strong even when I was hurt/ Wishing that love is perfect as itself/Wishing all my weakness is hidden/In a dream that can’t come true/I raised a flower that couldn’t bloom”.

A particular characteristic of art-pop music and alternative music in general, is the recurring motif that runs through one or more songs. In ‘Tear’, the septet continue to use masks, in order to symbolise what is the loss of one’s self, in the process of another, perhaps more explicitly shown in their introductory music video to the album, ‘Singularity’, where singer Kim Taehyung (using the stage moniker V) sings about losing his voice, trapped in a lake, donning a mask that obscures half of his face, losing all his individuality. ‘Singularity’ is perhaps one of the most complicated songs to translate from Korean, as the songwriter, RM, lays down visual clues of what it feels like to wake up from a dream, only to find oneself trapped. The music video carries forward the baroque imagery, as well as the heavy classical influences in the slow progression of the track; it conjures the powerful imagery of being trapped underwater ourselves, in the lyrics

Tell me 내 목소리가 가짜라면

날 버리지 말았어야 했는지

Tell me 고통조차 가짜라면

그때 내가 무얼해야 했는지

Loosely translated, it refers to someone trapped underwater, who doesn't feel as though their voice belongs to themselves. ‘Singularity’ wonders whether or not it is worth it to sacrifice one’s individuality to mould themselves to fit in. Postmodern art talks about the truth of the artist, especially how difficult it is to maintain one’s sincerity to survive, be it in a relationship, or in the music industry, a sentiment expressed by the septet in the fifth track of the album, ‘Paradise’ (낙원 ), where rappers Suga and j-hope express their dissatisfaction with the world through an intertwined verse,

누군 이렇게 누군 저렇게 산다면서

세상은 내게 욕을 퍼붓네

세상은 욕할 자격이 없네

꿈을 꾸는 법이 무엇인지

(“saying some are living like this,some are living like that/ the world pours curses at me/ the world has no right to pour curses at me/ for it has never even taught me how to dream '')

The song ‘Paradise’ is not only about the futility of the dreams that we are forced to accept and work towards, it also serves as a reminder of the society that we continue to subject the future generations to, in the capitalistic pursuit of wealth and correlating it to happiness, we forget that perhaps, humanity is not defined by wealth. ‘Paradise’ sets a reminder that it is okay to pause the world to remind ourselves that the world does not exist in spite of us, it exists because of us.

Perhaps the strangest, most compelling song on the entire album is the final song, ‘OUTRO: TEAR’. A rap track featuring the three rappers, it has been one of the most lyrically intimidating songs. A direct continuation of the thought process in ‘singularity’, “OUTRO: TEAR’ also muses upon the threads of a broken relationship, and the precipice upon which it all began.

For music critics, the opening six bars of the outro are reminiscent of the sombre tunes in Rachmaninoff’s piano concertos, which reach a crescendo and give way to RM’s introductory verse. It is a song that has remorse at the very core of it, writing for one’s lost love, for which there is still regret. For RM and Suga, this comes with the words

어쩜 내가 너를 사랑했던 적이 아예 없는 것 같아서

(because it felt like maybe I had never loved you anyway)

심장이 찢겨져 차라리 불 태워줘

고통과 미련 그 무엇도 남지 않게끔

(“my heart breaks, please rather burn it, so that the pain and the lingering love disappears”) while RM denotes his regret with rhyming sequences that linger, and for Suga, it is in a series of archaic, perhaps even frightening metaphors to his breaking heart. Both the rappers are talking about their failed relationship, with music, their friends, and their love, how it has an everlasting effect on their lives, one that will never go away, even with acceptance of their fate.

Written at the brink of disbandment, perhaps the coda by j-hope is where the song hits the hardest. The most lyrically dense section of the song is the coda, where j-hope lays down a flurry of rhymes and rhythms, shaken at the prospect of leaving music altogether. Although the song stems from a personal story for the septet, it deals with the very real anxiety and fear an artist has, of having to separate from their art. For j-hope it is akin to a break-up, a sundering with the very people he had thought would be by his side forever, and he writes, “이별은 내겐 그 순간들뿐”(goodbye, for me is only there, just at those moments). He writes,

넌 내 시작과 끝That is all

(“You are my beginning, end, that is all”)

And to him, and to all artists, art is supreme, and the thought of parting from the art that has given them so much, would be akin to severing them from their soulmate. For many music critics, the outro is the most complex song they have heard form the septet, with some going so far as to naming it a magnum opus.

In Love Yourself 轉 ‘Tear’, BTS puts the spotlight on the human condition; something which is fallible, something which is dependant upon others. Postmodernism, and postmodernist art, especially, talks about the complex aspects of humanity, forcing people to pay attention to the world and to their own selves. It isn't the music videos with homages paid to Romantic era composers, neither is it the layered verses with the double entendres of lyrical meanings. ‘Tear’ is a postmodern work of art because it covers multiple aspects of the human condition, while also harkening back to the music that inspires artists to create; and the stories they tell in ‘Tear’ are universal.

(trans cr to @doolsetbangtan)

#bts #bts lyrics #my writing #actonbellwrites

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higuchimon · 3 years

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[information]

I decided since my old 2021 Resolutions post was so horrifically out of date, that I should write a new pinned post. I recommend reading this for information about me.

First: no more writing resolutions. I'll write what I can, when I an.

Second: I am non-binary/agender. Pronouns are they/them, though I responded to she/her so long that I am not bothered by them. I'm also asexual & aromantic.

Third: I am nearly fifty. My fandoms of choice are, in no given order, are: Power Rangers (MMPR-PRLR, with occasional dips into later ones), Digimon Adventure, Digimon Adventure 02, Digimon Tamers, Digimon Frontier, Digimon Xros Wars/Hunters, Digimon Applimonsters, Digimon NEXT, YGO DM, YGO GX, YGO 5Ds, YGO Zexal, YGO Arc-V, YGO VRAINS, YGO Sevens, Binan Koukou Chikyuu Boubeiu Love & Love Love, Binan Koukou Chikyuu Boubei Happy Kiss, Kingdom Hearts, Pokemon, and Trollhunters. Digimon tri & Digimon Kizuna I might take small bits from but am not overly fond of them. Nothing more needs to be said on that front. YGO GX is the blood in my veins. I am unlikely to writee any given game for Pokemon.

Fourth: I have a large backlog of prompts for fics, both submitted by others and taken up for myself. If you wish to send in a prompt, the inbox is always open but it may take time for me to get to it, depending on my mood and what the prompt sparks. Please check "higuchimon prompts" for lists of prompts.

I warned you. All right. Here we go. You'll see some concepts and preferences pop up repeatedly. Tread with caution.

Digimon Adventure 02

Non-epilogue compliant: fics where the epilogue (and now that they exist, Tri and Kizuna) isn't going to happen. Non-canon ships (most often Ken x Daisuke & Taichi x Yamat0) abound. Fics seldom related to one another unless otherwise noted.

Loss, Gain, & Other Heartaches: A new enemy brainwashes a lot of human Chosen and their partners, after destroying the original twelve's patners, leading to the Digimon's data being merged with the Chosen's.

Division of Destiny: What if Vamdemon turned Sora into a vampire and from there defeated the Chosen? Well, he ended up turning Taichi, Jou, & Mimi into vampires as well, while imprisoning Hikari and giving Yamato, Takeru, and Koushiro to Piemon and the Dark Masters as slaves. A pesky rebellion formed of Daisuke, Iori, Miyako, Ken, Osamu, and various other charactes tries to fight them. Firm ships are currently just Ken x Daisuke.

When Blood Crosses: Oh, one of my favorites and probably my oldest AU altogether. What if humans and Digimon could have children together? And what if they did already? Seven out of twelve of the Chosen are part Digimon - or more. This is a full-blown multiverse. Stories don't always relate to one another, but the basic concepts tend to be the same. Ships can vary but for the most part are Taichi x Yamato, Jou x Koushiro, Mimi x Sora, Hikari x Miyako, Ken x Daisuke, and Takeru x Iori. Not averse to Piemon x Takeru, either.

Quiet Interlude: Little fluffy pieces featuring Taichi x Yamato in an establihsed relationship during 02 and beyond.

Adaptions: I don't have much written here but I have Such Plans. It will involve Things Happening to Taichi (in season 1) and Daisuke (season 2). It will probably end with Taichi x Yamato and Ken x Daisuke.

Take To The Skies: In this world, some people have wings and can fly. Daisuke is a Flier. The Digimon Kaiser thinks that makes him the perfect pet. But he will need training, of course. Kaiser x Daisuke. Other stories might involve the others who have wings.

Return of Old Enemies: Takeru is captured by two strange Digimon and collared so he can't speak. That's only the beginning of what's going on.

Fragmented Memory: Kaiser x Daisuke. Kaiser has wiped Daisuke's memory and convinced him that they're together. The other Chosen are not happy about this.

Broken Bonds: A soulmate AU featuring Piemon x Takeru. This is also a breeds AU. Piemon murders Patamon and takes Takeru.

Fight To Remember: Kaiser has lost his memory. So has Daisuke. Together, they need to learn who they were, who they are, and who they're going to be. Ken x Daisuke, obviously.

Services Rendeed: Daisuke gets poisoned and the cure lies within territory controlled by the Kaiser. The only way to save him is for the Kaiser to do it. His price - Daisuke himself. To be his until he gets bored with Daisuke. Sadly, the Kaiser isn't easily bored. Ken x Daisuke.

Stirring Shadows: Ken had a very naughty dream about being the Kaiser again and wanting to dominate Daisuke instead of the Digital World. Now, it was just a dream - right? Ken x Daisuke, older.

Scars of Victory: The Digimon Kaiser defeated the Chosen and took Daisuke as his trophy. For seven years he's ruled over the Digital World unopposed, having blocked the older Chosen from entering the Digital World. Now the barriers have dropped - and revenge is best served cold. Ken x Daisuke, brainwashing, off-screen death.

Course of Events: Set in a breeds AU: Vamdemon notices something unusual about Daisuke when he's in line to meet Tailmon and sends him to Piemon, who discovers who and what he is. How interesting. No current ships.

Walking The Edge: The Chosen have fought the Kaiser for years without knowing his true identity. Daisuke has also been dating Ichijouji Ken for years. So when the Kaiser finally reveals who he is - well, Daisuke has a choice to make. And the Kaiser will only allow one.

Dark Brotherhood: breeds AU. Ken, as Kaiser, has discovered that his half-brother is Yamato. Or rather, Anbumon. An alliance is offered. Ships: Yamato x Taichi & Ken x Daisuke.

Danger Zone: The Kaiser is very annoyed at Daisuke's continued existence as his enemy. So he decides to change where Daisuke's allegiance lies. Kaiser x Daisuke.

Hidden Truths: Miyako-centered breeds AU, also involving Jou and his dark side Fuseiimon. No ships centered, but light indicationss of Ken x Daisuke, Jou x Koushiro, and Taichi x Yamato.

Errors of Love: Aged up AU. Daisuke is dating the Kaiser. This is probably a very terrible mistake. KEn x Daisuke.

Magical Educations In Love: Magical school AU. Established ships: Ken x Daisuke, with possible Ken x Daisuke x Takeru.

Shadowed Soul: Piemon x Vamdemon x Takeru. is it love or just sex? Takeru wishes he knew. It's also a soulmate AU.

Melody of the Heart: A world of magic and magical creatures. Loosely a mirror of my breeds verse (and I do mean loosely). Established ships: Taichi x Yamato, Ken x Daisuke, Jou x Koushiro, Mimi x Sora. Others to come.

What He Wants: M rated/non-con, Kaiser x Daisuke. That's pretty much all there is to it. Just a couple of drabbles now but I'll expand it later.

Game of Life: breeds AU. The Kaiser's noticed something about some of the Chosen and wants to know what's going on. Undecided ships.

Bitter Bargains: The Chosen have fought the Kaiser for years. He's shown a rough attachment to Daisuke - kidnapping him on a regular basis. Then one day, Daisuke wakes up to find the Kaiser in his bedroom. Oh, dear. Non-con Kaiser x Daisuke.

Sanguine Bindings: Aged up AU - and Ken's a vampire, who mind-controlled Daisuke from episode 2 onward. Brainwashing/mind control/non-graphic non-con.

Purpose of Existence: Kaiser found out about Daisuke being a very special breed and claimed him for his own. Daisuke doesn't like this but something isn't right - he listens, whether he wants to or not. Aged up/breeds AU. Ken x Daisuke.

Buds and Blossoms: A romance between Hikari and Mimi. That's about it.

No Good Decisions: Daisuke accidently eats something he shouldn't have in the Digital World. It wouldn't be so bad - if the Kaiser hadn't found him and determined that someone needed to watch him. Ken x Daisuke.

Blood Of His Blood: Breed AU. Piemon wants to live again and will ensure that he does, through his oldest son.

For All Time: Taichi's been in an accident and Yamato's not sure when he will wake up. Taichi x Yamato.

Heart of Demon, Soul of Angel: AU where Taichi is an angel and Yamato is a demon. At least it starts off that way. A lot is going to change. Established ships: Taichi x Yamato & Ken x Daisuke.

Bonds & Bondage: Kaiser goes ahead and Rings V-mon. This affects Daisuke, unexpectedly. Now what will the Chosen do? Ken x Daisuke.

Fireblood: Breeds/Firestarter/Healer AU. Vamdemon bites Yamato and awakens his dark side - not good for anyone at all. Taichi x Yamato.

Flaming Ivy: The 02 Chosen are Healers and Firestarters and are working out what that means for them. Ken x Daisuke.

Digimon Tamers

Fair Wings: Some of the Tamers have wings, including Juri, Kenta, and Ruki. Adventunres and romance thereof. Established relationship: Juri x Takato.

Digimon Frontier

Consequences of Games: Just a set of fluffy post-canon fanfics featuring the Chosen playing games and what happens after the games. Firm ships include Kouji x Kouichi and Junpei x Izumi.

Heirs Apparent: Lucemon's spirit escaped confinement and was able to have an encounter with Kimura Tomoki, siring twin boys.

Godslave: So, Lucemon is the God-King of the world, ruling humans and Digimon alike. What he wants, he gets. And now he wants Kouji.

Tales of WInd and Water: Stories that cicle around Ranamon and Izumi.

Reflections of Dark Shadows: An AU where Kouji doesn't have a twin. What he does have is a reflection - and the reflection doesn't like his boyfriend. Established Takuya x Kouji, one-sided Kouichi x Kouji.

The Wind-child: A fantasy AU where Izumi is the daughter of AncientIrismon and has many adventures.

Yu-Gi-Oh Xros Wars/Hunters

Not Telling All: Yuu is a vampire with a taste for Tagiru. Tagiru doesn't know - at least not yet.

Hunting The Great Game: A rewrite of Xros Wars/Hunters. Set three years instead of one after the Xros Wars. Taiki finds himself back in the Digital World and that's where it all begins.

Digimon NEXT

Knight Tales: Fantasy AU. Kahara Shou's village is slaughtered and burned down and he's the only survivor. Taken in by Barbamon, he becomes the Demon Lord's devoted Knight.

Yu-Gi-Oh DM

Pleasures of Shadows: Yami no Malik has been revived as an incubus.

Crimeland: An AU where there are three Kaiba brothers (Seto, Seth, and Mokuba) and - many other differences I haven't gotten to writing yet. Only set 'ship is Seto x Kisara.

Uncertain Choices: A modern day AU, with Atemu and Yuugi as twin brothers. Only set ship right now is Atemu x Mahaado. If I ever finish the sequel I have in mind, I will add Seto x Yuugi.

Ways of Magic: a magical AU. Seto and Mokuba are dragons. Pegasus is a sorcerer. Mai is a pirate queen. Otogi is a djinn. A few scattered set pairings such as Otogi x Bakura Ryou.

Heart of Magic: a magical AU. This one involves a magical school where various characters are students or teachers. Established ships: Atemu x Mahaado.

Gifts of Power: A Superhero AU. A large chunk of people have powers. Established relationship: Isis x Mana.

Yu-Gi-Oh GX

Reversal AU: In canon, Juudai has the poewr of the Gentle Darkness. Here, in a world very like Dark World but with differences (such as a sun), he has the power of the Destructive Darkness - and he is pure evil, enjoys it, and has the overall goal of destroying all of creation. A small, plucky rebellion stands against him. Do they stand a chance? Time will tell. Be warned: non-consensual Juudai x Johan, as well as someone becoming a vampire, and many other twisted plot points. I love this AU.

Stronger Than Water: We don't know much about Johan's past. So what if he actually grew up in Dark World, as Brron's adopted son? And was sent to kill Juudai? Firm ships are Yubel x Juudai and maybe Yubel x Juudai x Johan. I havevn't gotten far enough to be sure.

Hell's Ice: What if Ryou were the one taken by Kagemaru and Amnael instead of Fubuki? Well, add in some elemental affinities and we have the Hell Kaiser of Ice - one of the Seven Stars. No set ships othe than Yubel x Juudai, though I am debating a few.

Itch To Scratch: Juudai and Yubel are demons. Johan's an angel - or he thinks he is, anyway. What he really is, he'll find out eventually. Firm ship is Yubel x Juudai x Johan.

Bridges: So, in this series, Juudai's power is that of the Light of Creation. Johan has the Gentle Darkness - and Juudai has been possessed by the Light of Ruin for seven thousand years.

Dead Weight: It's the zombie apocalypse! Ahhh! No set in stone ships yet.

King's Champion: When a late-night break-in goes very wrong, Yubel ends up taking Juudai to Dark World for his own safety. He ends up being raised by Brron. But taking him away from Earth has consequence, both good and bad. Yubel x Juudai. Not ruling out Yubel x Juudai x Johan in the future.

Shadow Demons: Juudai: King of Hell, with Yubel and Johan as his Consorts. Ryou, a demon prince. Fujiwara Yuusuke, a shadow mage with Honest as his guardian angel. Fubuki as an angel of love. Asuka slays evil vampires. And much, much more. Established ships: Ryou x Yuusuke and Yubel x Juudai x Johan.

Echoes: Rewrites of different parts of GX. Currently only the Haou arc, but others to come. Established ships: technically none but eventually Yubel x Juudai.

In The Shadows of the Fae: Juudai is the King of the Fae with Yubel and Johan as consorts, and Shou as his servant. A delicious AU that I enjoy. Established ships: Yubel x Juudai x Johan.

In Chains: Fantasy AU. Brron is gifted Shou as a slave, and Shou has to deal with that. Not easy. Established ships: Yubel x Juudai x Johan & Edo x Ryou x Saiou.

In Any World: A series of non-connected Yubel x Juudai AUs. Each is a one-shot and is in a different AU.

Past and Future: Yubel shows Juudai events that happened in their past lives together, as they forge a new future with one another. Yubel x Juudai.

Sky Stories: A lot of people have wings. Juudai didn't - until he fused with Yubel. Ryou has rusted metal wings - until Edo takes care of them. ANd many more stories. Established ships: Yubel x Juudai x Johan.

To Accept Fate's Will: A soulmate AU. Established ships: Yubel x Juudai, Edo x Saiou x Ryou. O'Brien x Sea God's Priestess.

Hole In Your Heart: Not fighting means that Shou's in danger. Especially when he gets captured and sold to one of Haou's servants. As if his third year wasn't already going downhill. No actual ships that I know of (probable future Yubel x Juudai)

In Space, In Light: Juudai sent Yubel into space to be healed by the Gentle Darkness. In canon, it failed. Here, it worked. Uh-oh. Yubel x Juudai.

Paladin's Quest: post ending series. Ryou dies of heart failure and is reborn as a duel spirit without his memories of his past. But that's going to change, because what he did in Dark World cannot be forgotten.

In Darkness We Find FIre: An AU of my own devising, that I call Healer/Firestarter. Healers can heal & communicate/grow plants, and Firestarters bun things. There are a lot more details than that but this tale is a retelling of canon through that lens. Established ship: Yubel x Juudai.

Politics of Ages: Asuka is a vampire queen with two consorts: Manjoume and Ryou. Lots of vampiric politics.

Infinite Love: A magical AU with soulmates. Features Ryou x Yuusuke, Camula x Ruthven (OC), and Edo x Saiou.

King's Knights: Post-canon series. Juudai offers Ryou, Fubuki, and Yuusuke as his Knights. But that's just the beginning. Johan has his own tale to tell.

Passion's Flight: Soul-wings universe. Established asexual/aromantic Asuka. Future Yubel x Juudai.

Prisoner of the Black Tower: Johan is trapped in a black tower by someone called Haou. He doesn't know who that is. And he wants to leave.

Apprentices: A mild alternate timeline, where Kyle and Nero from season 3 meet and become friends - while in Haou's dungeon.

World of Fusion: Brron fused all the dimensions and the world that results is so very different. Now Brron also has three sons: Juudai, Johan, and Rune (the Johan lookalike from season 3). Also, Ryou is a vampire. Established relationships: Yubel x Juudai.

Fate's Heart: Multiple tales of Yubel and Juudai as soulmates.

Power of Earth: Healer/Firestarter AU, featuring Jim and O'Brien.

Family Flowers: Healer/Firestarter AU, featuring Rick and Cobra.

Red Zinnias: Healer/FIrestarter AU, featuring Saiou and Edo

Destructive Flames: A merging of the Firestater/Healer AU and the Reversal AU. It's even less fun than the usual REvers - well, for values of fun.

Spirit Friends: People become friends with Duel Spirits aren't in their decks. Such as Wolf for Juudai and SQuall for Amon.

Bonds of Kinship: Exploring the relationship between Johan and the lookalike - his twin brother.

Yu-Gi-Oh Zexal

Order of the Outcasts: A fantasy AU loosely inspired by AD&D. The Order of the Outcasts is the Barians. Yuuma is a powerful healing mage and Astral is his fae companion. Much fun to be had! Co-written with SilvorMoon.

Committed To Her: Kotori is Queen Merag's slave, and devotedly loves her. Merag would like to return it, but it's not that easy. Obviously, a Merag x Kotori story, and an AU.

Cry of Vengeance: Vector wants revenge on Nasch for a long-ago offense, so he attacks Nasch's boyfriend Durbe. But that's not all he wants his revenge on and he has an interesting way to get it. Vampire/slight magic AU.

On Dragon's Wings: Mizael is a dragon. Vector is a prince who becomes a demon. And many other changes for a fantasy AU. Established ships are Vector x Mizael and Alit x Leo.

Inevitable Encounters: soulmate AU and how they deal with it. Established ships: Kaito x Yuuma, Durbe x Nasch, Kotoi x Merag/Rio, Vector x Mizael

Fae Whispers: Durbe x Chris. Chris is a Fae Prince who offers for Durbe to become a Fae Knight.

Different Numbers: Another soulmate AU. Features Durbe x Nasch, Vector x Mizael, V/Chris x Kaito, Gilag x Sanagi, & Alit x III/Michael x Yuuma.

Prison of the Prince: Vector wishes to keep Fae Prine Mizael as his prisoner. Mizael isn't so thrilled about that. Vecto x Mizael.

Hating Humanity: Durbe finds Nasch and Merag before the Astral Messenger arrive. Without Yuuma's influence, what will Nasch do? Durbe x Nasch.

Blurring: There are multiple ways to detect one's soulmate. Mizael has Vector's name on his right arm and Kaito's on his left - right arm is for the soulmate and left for the enemy.

Yu-Gi-Oh Arc-V

Beat of Wings: Some characters have wings, including Yuuya, Yuuto, Yuugo, and Yuuri. And Shun. And others. No real ships (that I know of) and Yuuri is going to have fun!

Life With A Demon: Featuring Masumi x Yuzu, Asuka x Selena, and past Selena x Masumi. Demon AU, along with other creatures of magic.

Confusing: Yuuri has captured Shun and is training him to be a warrior of Fusion. Shun would rather not - but his mind is now Yuuri's plaything.

Angels, Demons, and Deciding Factors: Angel/demon AU. Yuuri is a demon, who encounters the angel Shun in his territory. Yuuri decides that he wants this angel for his own - mostly because Shun doesn't want that, nor does Yuuto. M rated/consent issues/brainwashing.

Collars and Keeping: Yuuri captured Shun early in the war and Shun escapes the first chance he gets. But Yuuri won't let him go - and there's a horrible punishment awaiting his pet.

Fae Song: Selena x Rin x Ruri x Yuzu. Selena is a Fae Princess and the others are her servants.

Deadly Daughter: Professor Leo Akaba decides he can't trust Yuuri and thus trains Selena to be his sgent to find and captue the other gils with her face. Selena's girlfriend, Asuka, helps - only seeing what happened in the war turns her away from Fusion. Undecided ships.

Dragon and Falcon: Yuuri's a dragon & Shun's a shapeshifting falcon. Yuuri claimed Shun as a part of his hoard and his servant. And it just seems that dragon saliva does something to shapeshifters. non-con/drugged Yuuri x Shun.

Soulwings: In this AU, when soulmates meet one another (or when one's true purpose is found), wings are developed. So when Kaito and Edo cross paths... Established Kaito x Edo and alluded to Yuuri x Shun.

Strike Hard, Strike Fast: Vampire AU. Sora, Yuuri, and Dennis are vampires. Ruri and Shun are vampire hunters. So when Shun crosses their paths, Yuuri decides to take him for his own.

Opposite Ends: Yuugo is brought to Shingo as his slave. Yuugo doesn't like Shingo. Oh, they're going to have a lot of fun.

Dragonflame and Nature's Spark: A HEaler/FIrestater rewrite of Arc-V, mostly featuring Ryou and Mizael, along with Yuuri and Vector. Ship: Ryou x Mizael, Durbe x Chris, and Shou x Michael.

Yu-Gi-Oh VRAINS

A Model Life: Kogami Ryouken is a supermodel. You know, when he's not a cyber-terrorist.

Power Rangers

Flip Of a Coin: Tommy Oliver is Tommi Oliver here. Gender-switch from birth.

Soulborn: Soulmates from the Power Rangers. Established ship: Cassie x Phantom. Future ship: Kat x Tommy.

BKCBL

Burning Inscription: Soulmates have the most important words spoken to them by their soulmates written on their arms. On Kinshiro's: I am Battle Lover Epinard! Nonsense. Atsushi x Kinshiro.

Love of Spirits: Kinshiro is a spirit of the sun. Atsushi is a wind spirit. The others are also magical beings. Kinshiro x Atsushi.

Crossovers

Elemental Ties: YGO GX & Digimon Frontier. Juudai and Kouichi cross paths. But they're not the only ones who share elements.

Replacement Vampire: YGO GX & Digimon Adventure 02: Post his defeat in 02, Vamdemon awakens in his Perfect form again, in a new world, where he meets someone he never thought he would - a female vampire. Camula didn't think she'd ever see another vampire. He's not quite her species, but he's definitely her type. Firm ship: Camula x Vamdemon. Also, vampire Seven Star!Ryou.

Scorpion Strike: YGO GX & YGO Zexal: Ryou wakes up in the Barian World, and doesn't know his name or anything else. But he's a Barian now, so he works for the Barian World. Ryou x Mizael.

Those are all my current series. Here are the series that I have waiting in the wings:

Power Rangers

Unexpected Tales: A series of fics about ships I like: Rita x Zedd, Emily x Jason, and Tanya x Adam.

Yellow & Blue: A pair of fics involving Trini x Billy

Digimon Adventure 02

Blossoms of Death: Non epilogue compliant, where a new enemy attacks the Chosen and a lot of things happen including friendship between different Chosen and their partners.

In Our Veins: Breeds AU. Non epilogue compliant and the breeds slowly start to awaken to their powers. Known ships: Ken x Daisuke.

Far From The Tree: Breeds AU, rewrite of a very old story of mine. Starting in the Devimon arc, the Chosen begin to awaken.

Last Dark Master: Breeds AU, another rewrite of a very old story. Yamato attracts Piemon'os attention. No ships at this time.

To True Love: A series about Taichi x Yamato. Mild Ken x Daisuke also.

Heed The Call: The Kaiser discovered the breeds - especially Anbumon, the strongest of them all. Time for an alliance. Ken x Daisuke & Yamato x Taichi.

Digimon Tamers

After Tamers: Post-canon, the Tamers have even more adventures with their returned partners.

Burning Brightly: An alternate take on Ruki and Renamon meeting one another.

Yu-Gi-Oh GX

In Solitude Lies Strength: A slight divergence changes a great deal about Juudai's rule in Dark World.

Different Kind of Darkness: When Juudai encounters a vampire before his rule in Dark World begins, everything takes a dip to a deeper darkness.

After Academia: Graduating doesn't mean that their adventurs have ended. They're just different now. Yubel x Juudai.

Colors of Love: A different soulmate concept - those who have soulmates only see the colors of their soulmate's hair and eyes until they meet - at which point they see all colors, and sprout their wings. Edo x Saiou and Yubel x Juudai, with others to come.

Hi Kari Kouri E: Healer/Firestarter. Kagemaru wants a powerful Frostflame on his Seven Stars team, so sends people to recruit a six year old Marufuji Ryou. Future Yubel x Juudai and Ryou x Yuusuke.

Yu-Gi-Oh Arc-V

Prey and Hunters: Yuuri captures Shun and has a good old time tormenting him. Rewrite of my original "Yuuri torments Shun" story. It will have a crossover with Mythology of Love by SilvorMoon eventually.

BKCBL

Seduction of Shadows: a realm with Io being human, Akoya being a demon, and Ryuu being an angel.

Crossovers

Love Is Out Of This World: BKCBL & Digimon Adventure 02. When the Digimon Kaiser drops into the Student Council Room, things become very interesting. Ken x Daisuke, Atsushi x Kinshiro.

Ties To Magic: Digimon Adventure 02, Digimon Tamers, and YGO GX. A fantasy world where anyone can meet anyone at all.

From Shadows Within: Digimon Adventure, 02, Tamers, and Frontier. A new adventure for everyone! Ships: Ken x Daisuke.

I fully expect to develop more of these in the future. Time will tell! And I will update this when or if the time comes.

#fanfic #higuchimon posts #digimon adventure #digimon adventure 02 #digimon tamers #digimon frontier #digimon xros wars #digimon next #ygo dm #ygo gx #ygo zexal #ygo arc-v #ygo vrains #power rangers #binan koukou chikyuu bouei bu love!#crossovers

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kinetic-elaboration · 4 years

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February 13: Star Trek Beyond

Some attempted thoughts on Star Trek Beyond.

So first it was bad lol. It is the worst. I thought maybe it would be less the worst than I had previously thought but it really, really is just irredeemably bad.

Trying to keep up with what was actually happening and talk in the group chat was too difficult and I now feel very exhausted lol. And I’m not even sure what I watched.

I liked Jaylah a lot, including her back story, characterization, “house,” traps, and cool mirror tricks.

I also like Kirk in that emergency uniform with the jacket unzipped.

That’s it! That’s all I liked.

In the past I’ve also said I liked the Spock and Bones parts but I honestly wasn’t a fan of them either this time around!

None of the characters felt IC and none of the relationships felt true or were compelling. Which is particularly egregious given that the alleged theme was strength in unity.

The movie was especially lacking in K/S content or even K & S interaction, which obviously didn’t please me. And it’s definitely the worst Kirk characterization I’ve ever seen. There’s no excuse for that either because it’s halfway through the 5YM, which means he should be pretty close to TOS Kirk--yes, he has a different set of experiences, so there’s going to be some variation, but there’s comparatively less excuse for a radically different characterization than in STXI and STID. They should have had Shatner read the script and make notes lol because whatever else you might say about him he KNOWS Captain Kirk.

Like, he (Kirk) lacked humor and charm and, often, confidence. He had moments when he was very smart and moments when he had a commanding presence. But he had just as many moments when he was whiny or bored and his Captain’s log??? I deserve financial compensation for every time I’ve listened to that. Bored of space?? No, this man is bored when he’s stuck on Earth. He stagnates in desk jobs. He is an adventurer and explorer before he’s ANYTHING else; if you don’t get that, you don’t need to be writing Star Trek.

Also, as I have frequently complained, I’m tired of him having no internal conflict or emotional complexity past his father issues. First reboot movie: dealing with his dead father’s memory and his step-father’s abuse. Fine, that makes sense for how they set up the AU. Second reboot movie: entirely motivated by the need for Manly Vengeance upon the person who killed his father figure. And for this redundant story line (in many sense) we had to lose Pike? Third reboot movie: you’d think he’d finally be ready to move on to other conflicts but actually no this time he’s sad about his birthday and having a longer life span than his...you guessed it!! father!! Yet again.

What else has ever motivated him? Legitimate question.

The destruction of the Enterprise was truly horrific. Long, boring, unwarranted, and without any emotional punch. As if it were just any ship! No, she’s a character in her own right and she’s not to be sacrificed like that but please tell me again how Simon Pegg is a true fan who brought the franchise back to its roots?

B said he did like that they split up the crew into unusual units but I have mixed feelings about it. I don’t entirely disagree, but I don’t think they did a lot that was interesting with any of those separated units. Uhura and Sulu are a cool pair (but this would have been a good opportunity to include Sulu’s semi-canonical crush on Uhura but whatever... a different rant) and they almost did some interesting stuff with them. There were glimmers of a caper in that story line and times when I could tell they were straining especially hard to make Uhura, their Sole Female Main--now that they cut out Rand, Chapel, and even Carol Marcus--into something Feminist and Interesting. But it didn’t quite gel for me. Like, Uhura would be having almost interesting dialogue with the villain and holding her own...and then she loses track of her colleague and has to watch that person die, thus undercutting everything she just said about unity and seeming to prove the villain’s point. Is she competent or not?

Bones and Spock are a pair I care about and like but again I think their canonical relationship in TOS is more interesting than STB showed. I personally read them as like...reluctant best friends who originally just had one person in common, and then realized they also like each other too, but they’ll never really say it. They understand each other but pretend not to. They have fun with the barbs they throw at each other. They both deeply love Jim but in different ways. They enjoy their intellectual debates. (That’s one thing that was definitely missing from them here! The intellectual debates!) So again, there was something there but not enough.

And Kirk and Chekov just happened to land near each other; nothing was done with that relationship per se. They really aren’t people who have much of a relationship in TOS so there’s not a lot to work off of but then on the other hand there IS an opportunity to create something new. Maybe I’m being too harsh and too vague but it just didn’t gel for me. The only specific K and C moment I remember was that supremely un-funny joke about Kirk’s aim as he sets off the “wery large bomb.”

But like there are possibilities.. they’re both pretty horny and Chekov is a whiz kid and Kirk is also very smart and has always been smart... Like in other words people Chekov’s age don’t end up on the bridge crew, in either ‘verse, without the Captain’s say, so even though he’s TOS!Spock’s and AOS!Scotty’s protege, Kirk is important to his life. Something with that maybe??

I’m upset that Spock’s individual story line was about whether or not he should go off and make baby Vulcans because, again as I have complained many times before, that was a conflict he faced and resolved in ten minutes two movies ago, and it doesn’t make sense to me for him to bring it up again now just because the Ambassador is dead. Like... the Ambassador told him to stay in Starfleet!! “Ah, yes, I will honor him by doing precisely the opposite of what he wanted me to do.”

Also--if they had made his motivation different or gone into it more, I would have been more into it. Make it about New Vulcan! Say there’s news from New Vulcan that it’s not doing well. Or what if T’Pring got in contact with him? Or what if we used this as an excuse to bring in Sarek?

This is part of a larger point for me which is that STXI set up a really cool AU and STID tried to do something with it--a little hit or miss, but it tried--and instead of pushing even more at the AU and developing it more and doing more with it... STB just ignored it! Was that part of what Paramount was warning about with making it “not too Star Trek-y?” Was it SUPPOSED to be a movie you could watch without having seen the last two? If so they did succeed but like.. .why? They made the supremely ballsy move of blowing up a founding Federation planet two movies ago and now they’ve just forgotten about that and all the reverberations that would necessarily have?

But of course we got a call back to Kirk being a Beastie Boys fan so.... Guess it was Deep all along.

We all three agreed that the core story of this film was potentially interesting but could have been done as a 50-some minute episode of a TV series rather than a whole-ass 2 hour movie. First off, cutting or cutting down the action sequences would have shaved off half an hour easily.

I’m frustrated in large part because there are certain things that are interesting here. I do like the concept of the crew being pulled on to an alien planet by a ship of former Federation crew, from the early days of the Federation/deep space flight, who were presumed missing but are somehow still alive because they have turned into aliens/used alien tech to prolong life, and who have also captured other aliens, like Jaylah, for the main crew to interact with. All of that was cool.

I would even be okay with these old Federation crew being villains but I don’t think that’s necessary or even the most interesting take.

But...first of all, as my mom pointed out, Krall was basically Nero in his illogical motivations: feeling aggrieved because someone who couldn’t help him didn’t help him and then just maniacally wanting revenge. It made more sense to me with Nero in a way. Maybe that was because he was better characterized, maybe it was because his anger was more personal (the loss of his wife), maybe--probably--it was because he was angry at Spock and Spock had actually promised to help, so there was some kernel of logic in his sense of betrayal, even if it was out of proportion etc. Also, Nero’s mania was portrayed as mania--we were all supposed to recognize that the strength of his emotion was warranted but his logic was deeply flawed. I think we were supposed to think Krall had some kinda... real criticism of the Federation, but in fact he doesn’t! He’s wrong! So like if he’d been angry with the Federation for abandoning him but the narrative and the other characters explicitly recognize that he’s wrong--the Federation tried but he was just doing something very dangerous and he recognized that danger on signing on--that might have been more palatable to me.

I’m not sure I’m making sense here entirely or explaining myself as well as I could.

I just don’t entirely get Krall’s beef with the Federation. I don’t get that whole “being a soldier and having conflict makes you strong and having people you can rely on and connections and community makes you weak.” That seems pretty obviously false. It also doesn’t really seem, not that I’m an expert, but particularly in line with military ethos either.

BUT the idea that he had a life that was comfortable to him as a soldier and then the Federation comes in and forms Starfleet and says, actually, we’re going to pull back on the soldiering and up the diplomacy and the exploration and the science--yeah, I could see that. I DO think Starfleet is military but even if you must insist it’s not, it’s clearly based on and formed from the military, and it has certain military functions. So obviously the first people to join or be folded into Starfleet probably were more explicitly military.

So he’s one of those people. Now he’s supposed to be a scientist and a diplomat and an explorer and he doesn’t like that. He’s given this very prestigious and interesting mission and jumps at it. Starfleet warns him, you might go beyond where we can reach, we might not be able to help you. That’s fine. But then when his ship is stranded and he is lost, he gets angry--maybe somewhat irrationally, but understandably--why?? Why did the Federation do this to him? What was even the point? When he put himself in danger before, at least he knew why. But just flying around space for the hell of it, and this is the cost? So that’s what creates his anger.

I thin this could be tied into Kirk’s diplomacy at the beginning--if the scene were written to not be a comedy bit where Kirk looks like an incompetent buffoon and is completely disrespectful the whole time. He’s good at this job and we should say it. But we could emphasize that this IS a diplomatic mission often, just as often as it’s a military or scientific mission. Maybe we could include other bits of their missions, too, to play up the variety of things they do and roles they play.

Another thing I think could be interesting, going back to my point about Spock, Vulcan, and using the first two movies and expanding on the world building... what if Spock wanted to leave Starfleet for better, more well-defined reasons, and we used that? Paralleled the two? Connected the two?

Because I think Vulcan in the AOS verse is very interesting and the movies didn’t do nearly enough with it. First, we have the Romulans showing up way earlier, at least visibly: in TOS, no one knew what they looked like or their connection to Vulcans until Spock is in his late 30s. In AOS, it happens not long after he’s born. So he’s growing up probably with more anti-Vulcan racism floating around the Federation. THEN Vulcan is destroyed. Now it has nothing and it needs to rely on the rest of the Federation, which must be both humbling and frustrating to many Vulcans, on top of the extreme tragedy of losing everything. Most of their population, a lot of their history, their manufacturing, their scientific facilities, their resources, their animals, literally whatever else you can think of that a planet has--all gone. Now all of the survivors have lived some period on an alien planet, by definition, and they’re probably very dependent on the Federation not just to set up the new colony, but to replace all of the resources--natural and Vulcan-made--that they lost. And they’re a founding Federation member, Earth’s first contact. They’re especially important. And now they’re weak, and reliant on others.

So maybe Spock, early on, hears from New Vulcan and they’re not doing well. Maybe we hear from Sarek or T’Pring (...I’d just like to see reboot T’Pring). Maybe it’s not about, or just about, having children, but about being from an important and ancient family, and being seen as a hero for his part in the Narada mission, that makes him want to go and help rebuild their government (taking his mother’s place perhaps? she was on the High Council) or their scientific facilities, or the VSA, or their space travel capabilities--you know Vulcan had space ships of their own, outside of Federation ships. This would be the perfect place to showcase that tension between wanting to be independent--out of pride, out of fear, even--and needing help, because Vulcan could not survive without the Federation, probably less than 10 years out from the original planet’s destruction.

And then you feed it back into Krall.

So I could see like... well the tension, and then Krall comes in, and he's angry that the Federation "abandoned" him, but we actually explicitly address this. Maybe Spock gets to interact with him and say "I get it. You had a life and a mission and a purpose that was comfortable for you. Then the Federation came in and changed everything. A lot of my people are also feeling upset for similar reasons. But here's why actually you're wrong."

So anyway as you can see I’m smarter and more interesting than Simon Pegg.

I also hated, speaking of writers of this movie, the gay Sulu thing and HEAR ME OUT on this. It’s homophobic. His husband doesn’t have a name? Might not be his husband at all? Looks like he could be his nanny or his brother? As B said “at least grab his butt or something.” That was the most sanitized, no-homo depiction of a gay person I’ve ever seen. He’s gay (see, progressives and queers! gay! you like that right!) but DON’T WORRY STRAIGHTS--he’s in a monogamous relationship and has a child, he’ll show nothing but the most platonic physical affection with his male significant other, and the plot point will be so minuscule you’ll need a microscope to detect it. Also, we’ll throw in a no homo joke about two male characters not wanting to hug and we’ll make sure Kirk and Spock interact as little as possible, because we know they give off Big Queer Vibes every time they’re together.

Yes the last point is a little unfair but can you blame me for being angry about all the “look how hip to the times we are” back-patting that went on in 2016 when canonical bisexual Kirk is RIGHT THERE and we could have had ex-boyfriend Gary Mitchell instead of Unnamed Nanny??

Also Sulu is a hella random choice because again, like... he may not have had an s.o. in TOS but nor was there any indication he was gay. So it seems a LITTLE like they picked him because (1) his original actor is gay and gay people can’t play straight people duh so probably Sulu was Gay All Along I mean did you not get vibes???; and/or (2) asexual Asian stereotypes preclude giving Sulu any kind of love interest, male or female, that is actually... sexual, outright romantic, anything.

Anyway I can’t remember if I had any other thoughts, but I’ve said quite enough I think.

I miss Kirk so much... real Kirk... even my version of AOS Kirk who is probably not even characterized that well but at least I worked with love!!!

#the year 2021 #2021: star trek #2021: fandom thoughts #star trek aos #anti-beyond

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izukult · 4 years

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This is such a cute idea! I’m addicted to making weirdly specific Spotify playlists so this is perfect. I have an ✨eclectic✨ music taste but my favorites are usually bedroom pop (mxmtoon, chloe moriondo, khai dreams, etc), romantic classical (think Debussy and Revel), and indie (although I like some Megan Thee Stallion, AC/DC, Nirvana, etc when I’m hyping myself up). As far as my personality goes, I’m pretty insightful and like to support people whenever I can, even if I don’t know them well. I can be a little chaotic sometimes, but I like to think it’s a chaotic good. I love tea, blankets, philosophy, deep conversations, the outdoors, and writing. I’m also an INFP and a Taurus :)

Sorry if that was too much, thank you so much! Take care of yourself and stay well

- Elle ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

( @snoozless ) you don’t understand how bad i want to be your friend. 😐😐 ok so you kind of get bonus 😀 but it rly might not be bonus because akfjakdkw. so, i gave you matsukawa!! but he’s not always like revered about so if u want a character lmk!! i am. in love w him tho. you’re so sweet you would balance him out and yall would be equally chaotic together.

he would have philosophical questions w u!! he might just be a little blunt & might accidentally cut the convo short, but he would listen to everything you said.

he’s used to a wide variety of music bc i’m convinced the seijoh playlists are absolutely fucking cracked like so loud. so he really could sit there and listen to anything. and i mean ANYTHING. like if you wanted to put on christian rock he’d awkwardly try to tap his foot on beat for you.

but, that doesn’t mean he’s gonna geek over you i feel like he’d be pretty private about the relationship. he’s not like secretive but he’s not gonna post you every two seconds yknow? he wouldnt put prom photos, but if yall went to look at the stars or go on a little hike he’d take a pic and youre wearing baggy sweats and one of his shirts and your hair isnt brushed for shit and it’s way too dark to properly make your face out and he’d put that shit on his main absolutely 😒

this man would be the kind of mf to look up his “crush’s” zodiac just for shits & giggles, so if he randomly knows a taurus fact, don’t question it<3 (he looked up your compatibility and he will take that to the grave)

issei is an infp idc. so yall got that in common.

he’s genuinely so pretty.

bc i took so long, i’m going to put descriptions for all the songs i love you thanks for requesting sorry for taking forever i’ll link the playlist and list the songs<3

1. silly girl- chloe moriondo

okay while this song is actually kinda sad, i think tHIS is pretty cute. issei comes off as this intimidating guy, and the more you get to know him the more you forget ab this idea of him you had or whatever? like the lyrics “i made him perfect, cause i wanted him to be” are really prominent in the point i’m tryna make because like even tho the lyric is obviously sad bitch shit, music is up for interpretation and this is like “hello ok he actually a real mf and shiiit maybe he cool😁✊”

2. nice boys- TEMPOREX

kinda sad. i don’t care how unemotional he might act, everyone has shit that brings them down. PLUS HES A PISCES THERES NO WAY HES NOT SAD SOMETIMES. this song just really taps into insecurities for him, and the song just gets under his skin in like a very therapeutic way. also “because he’s a pisces” some of his emotions are super intense so the “because he cares too much” line hits him fuckin hard

3. IV. sweatpants- childish gambino

this is some shit he listens to more with his team, absolutely. no doubt they blare this shit during weekly practice. but, he really really likes the song. so, when you’re hanging out and he has the aux? it’s one of the first ones he puts on. you two jam to it together. he’ll come up w dumb little dances to fit with certain lyrics (stole some of them from oikawa and hanamaki, but he won’t tell you)

4. you get me so high- the neighbourhood

okay unfortunately i must say him and hanamaki get fuckin faded in empty fields at two am all trashy like. but they make it look good idc. and if you smoke, cool, if you don’t he does not care. he always associated getting high with,,, getting high and everytime he listened to this song it just was one of his getting blazed jams, but now he’s got like a different kinda “euphoric” feel with loving you? like i said this bitch is a pisces even if he doesn’t overwhelm you with affection, he thinks ab you 24/7

5. 80’s makeout session- dacelynn

thIS SONG IS SO CUTE. but it’s p self explanatory. in love and also spare a kiss pls

6. can i call you tonight- dayglow

i feel like actually coming to terms with genuine feelings for someone would be kind of weird for issei. like no offense, but he sees it as kind of a pain in the ass. i genuinely think he would be someone to put his all into work or a task in front of him. he’s super intuitive, and constantly uses it to be better. whether it’s in volleyball or like cremating ppl i guess (HE WORKS INA FUNERAL HOME POST TIME SKIP IF U DIDNT KNOW). and it’s the same in relationships, but it’s also harder because he can’t have this complete clear head because you make his brain go kinda fuzzy. so, this song is like his little way of expressing that even tho he was like ‘internally conflicted’ this mf chose to go for it and that’s how much u mean to him

7. clair de lune, L. 32- claude debussy

i’m gonna be fucking honest with you. even though he’ll listen to anything, i really don’t think this man is looking up ‘classical romance study tunes’ playlists in his free time. he definitely enjoys the music, but that’s only if someone points it out to him. and he’s listened to you talk about it before, and watched you as you heard the piano and gauged your reactions and thought u were pretty cute he’s not gonna lie😼. so he definitely just looked up classical romance and picked the first recommended song and added it on there. he’ll dance w you a lil bit, but it wouldn’t be that quiet, intimate slow dancing in the dark you think would come w this song. itd just be a little sway as he hugs you from behind while you get water, or he twirls you once randomly with a laugh UGH I LOVE HIM

8. like real people do- hozier

ok. this one was fun for me. idc. double meaning lol. so this song is literally about two dead bodies in a bog and ,,, and he works in a funeral home PLS LMAOFJAJDJA I THINK THATS SO FUCKING FUNNY AND SO DOES HE. but also this song literally is my idea of love. this is my idea of love. and yall listen to it, with your stupid little death joke, but he looks at you and he’s just like ‘oh’. yknow? YKNOW?

9. BS- still woozy

like i said, i think he puts a lot into work. and he literally plays for a powerhouse school there’s no way he doesn’t practice a lot. so that means there’s a lot of time where he’s physically not there and definitely can’t text, because he’s trying to improve. and while he wouldn’t stop volleyball for someone else, he understands that you are like super amazing for being so Cool with him not being the most available. the song just reminds him of how compassionate you are and also he does miss u when he’s at practice YKNOW?

10. i <3 u- boy pablo

this one made me so fucking soft ew. ok. this song reminds him of you so so much. he’s totally okay being vulnerable with you? and even though he has pretty heightened emotions, he’s never felt like so strongly for smth other than like ??? volleyball and caring ab his siblings (BUT HE FEELS DIFFERENT FOR U THAN HE DOES FOR A VOLLEYBALL AND HIS SIBLINGS PLEASE😁). HE LUVVVVV YOU

11. heart-shaped box- nirvana

so many reasons. for one, simply fucking JAM. yall would scream this on a drive. if you ever got drunk together, this would be the first song you play. also, little lyrics remind you of each other. (the pisces lyric in the first and third verse, and even tho the flowers aren’t being used in a sweet sense in the song he does remember talking ab flowers w u, and now any flower is mentioned and he’s like “ah yes. my girlfriend.”)

12. pluto projector- rex orange county

FUCK. FUCK THIS SONG. GOD. NO. LIKE HE REALIZES HE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU WITH THIS SONG. HE T E L L S YOU HE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU WITH THIS SONG. the first time, he just sends you the name of it like ‘pluto projector <3’ and you listen and it’s so sweet and ur like ayo turn this shit up. and he adds it to your playlist, which definitely gets a smile from you. and then one night like two weeks later youre just laying together, and he’s running his fingers through his hair and he pulls away for a second to grab his phone and he turns the song on and you just listen to it in silence and it’s so fucking intimate. and he’s just like “i don’t think i’ve ever related to a song more” and you think he’s making a joke so you tell him to shut up (also jokingly) and he just laughs and it’s dark in his room and he’s playing with your hair again and he just goes “god, if you’re telling me to shut up over that i don’t even want to imagine how you’re gonna react when i tell you i love you” and it’s right around 3:10 in the song i’m literally so gone for him. bye you cry and try to hide it but he can tell HES PERCEPTIVE

13. i wanna be yours- arctic monkeys

okay for one, it’s a good song. it’s a song he absolutely let’s play in the background, just to cover the static lol. but also? ALSO? THE TITLE APPLIES TO YOU THE FUCK? it’s as if,,, he’s whipped,,

14. supermassive black hole- muse

hanamaki prolly showed him this song, and it’s one of his vibe songs. he will do falsetto while singing it if he’s in a really good mood and it just makes everyone laugh, including himself. it actually kind of grosses him out, because this song used to literally just be a song he would aimlessly go hard to but NOW his little bitch ass is like “you set my soul alight”? i guess i relate and “oh baby, i’m a fool for you” well, surely i’m not a fool but yea i get you muse sing it. it’s so gross. at this point he wants one thing that doesn’t make him think of you, just to prove that he’s not that gone, but he struggling

15. desperado- rhianna

i’m sorry to say it but this song makes him feel like a bad bitch LMAOOOOO. like if he’s ever getting pregame jitters or anything, he will just play this song. whether it’s on the speaker or in his headphones, he puts this shit on full volume and gets a lil too cocky LOL. this is also on the main seijoh playlist no doubt. he wants to share his bad bitch song w you, so you can aLSO feel like a bad bitch?? dUH

IM SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT BABES! IF YOU WANT ANY OF THE SONGS CHANGED (or even the character) LMK!! UR AMAZING ur so sweet it makes me ill

#haikyuu #haikyuu playlists #ikigaitooru playlists #matsukawa issei #mastukawa x reader #matsukawa playlist #haikyuu x reader

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #348

“nothing will be free / nothing will be done / black out the sun”

Do you have any famous relatives? My third or so cousin is the author of Not Without My Daughter, but she's not like a smash hit or anything that most people know. I really do recommend the book, though. It's a long read, but a beautiful, true story. Do you care about celebrity gossip? Nah. Have you ever failed a science course in high school? No; I was very good at science. What’s your favorite breakfast food? Cinnamon rolls. Does your house have a basement? No. No house I've ever lived in has had one. Do you like Hot Topic? Well duh. Do you think imagination is valuable? VERY! Just imagine how many incredible things wouldn't exist without it. What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? Unspeakably happy, and I felt like I was building a future with someone. I felt like I had purpose, which I should mention to anyone reading is a mindset to NEVER adopt. No one gives you purpose; you're born with it. How much weight can you lift at once? Ha, not a lot. When you have your own house someday, what color Christmas tree do you want and how will you decorate it? I want a black one with faux snow on the branches, then maybe red ornaments. Kinda look like blood dripping off. Sounds metal. Name three YouTube channels you’ve been loving lately. Lately, John Wolfe, The Dark Den, and Aim To Head Mix. Have you ever bought a designer purse? No. Do you wear jewelry often? No. What color was your senior prom dress? Black. Are you colorblind? No. Name the people you know who are colorblind. Jason's older brother is colorblind to two colors, but idr which. Would you ever consider a career in writing? I'd love to. What was your first favorite color? Red. What do you think about horror movies? I love them. If you love them, what’s your favorite? I really enjoy The Crazies and both The Blair Witch Project movies. Oh, and of course Silent Hill. Got any cool Christmas presents picked out for family or friends yet? I don't have the money to get anyone presents... and while I sometimes get ideas about something I could make someone, then it wouldn't be fair to the rest of my family if I don't make them something, too. What’s your favorite word and why? I really like the sound of "serendipity," as well as its meaning. It's just a pretty, nice word. Do you like to do craft projects? If so, what’s the coolest thing you made? Not really... I think the coolest thing I made was when I put the clay heart I made in Art into a shadowbox, and a poem I wrote was in the background. It was a gift for Jason. I remember working really hard on the whole process and being really happy with it. I don't want to know what he's done with it since. What’s one occupation you think gets paid too much and doesn’t deserve to? I don't know. What’s something you are currently saving money for to buy? Everyone knows about Venus' terrarium by now... Do you smoke/vape? If so, what brand do you smoke/what device do you use? No. Ever done drugs? No. Tell me one of your worst habits. Catastrophizing. I take a tiny seed of something potentially bad, and in seconds it's a damn redwood tree. And I do mean "in seconds." What’s a weird quirk you have that no one else you know does? I don't know, I don't have any particularly unique ones, I think. If you game, what type of headset do you use? I just use earbuds. Do you think you would be a good therapist? You know, it's funny, I've actually pictured myself as one a few times, given my level of understanding and empathy for people, as well as how deeply I want to see others succeed and spread the word that recovery from things like depression is very possible. I've never truly entertained the thought, though, given I'm quite sure I legally couldn't be given my suicidal past and mental illnesses. There is also NO way I could listen to so many people's suffering and manage to stay healthy myself, so, no therapist position for me, thanks. Have you ever been to a Chinatown? No. Do you prefer chunky or creamy peanut butter? Creamy, 100%. Do you stop to pick up heads-up pennies? No. Do your pets have collars? Describe them: Roman has an adorable navy one with a bowtie. Do you have any friends that speak any languages you don’t understand? Old friends, sure. What is something you want to begin learning? I want to improve my ability to perform what in therapy is called "opposite action," where you do the opposite of what your depression (or other conditions) make you want to do. It always helps me feel good, like when I draw even when I don't initially feel like it, but it's rough to really force yourself to do it. What is a food you find comforting when you are sad? Ice cream is my comfort food. What is a quote you find comfort in? There are really a lot, but none come to mind immediately, gah. What is one Tumblr blog you really appreciate? I actually haven't been on my main Tumblr in months, but oh my god there is a Markiplier blog called "lady-raziel" and she is FUCKING HYSTERICAL. The meme quality is A+. What is a comfort movie/show for you? When I actually liked watching movies, I enjoyed watching Silent Hill when I was down. That whole franchise just makes me so happy. What is a recent creative project that you are proud of? That I'm PROUD of, idk. I'm not that happy with the last drawing I made, and I haven't done any serious writing lately that I find noteworthy. What is a video game that you find comforting? Shadow of the Colossus is probably #1. I find it so relaxing while equally epic as fuck. The soundtrack is to die for, and after playing it a billion times, it's pretty easy for me to kinda breeze through and just enjoy myself. Do you know how to bake bread? If so, what is something you’ve baked recently? No. Would you rather live in the mountains, city, beach, or the forest? THE MOUNTAINS!!! Particularly in the woods IN the mountains! Are you closer to your mother’s or father’s side of the family? Mom's. I don't even remember anyone from Dad's. Have you ever been in a “perfect relationship”? I thought so. Have you ever lost a fingernail or toenail? No. Were you a Disney or Nickelodeon kid? I preferred Disney. Have you ever been inside a jail/prison? No, and I don't plan on it. Have you ever dated a guy with a beard, mustache, or goatee? Jason had a goatee usually. He'd go clean-shaven sometimes. Did you ever name your stuffed animals? I named every single one I got as a kid. Now I don't, really, unless they're really special. What’s the name of the person who cuts your hair? I'd rather not share, given her name is very unique. Do you like cheeseburgers? Yes, they're one of my favorite foods. Do you have a Flickr? Yes, but I don't use it anymore. Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? No. Do you drink milk? Yeah, I love milk. Where was your FB display pic taken? My room. Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Yeah; white rice. My dumb ass didn't realize it had JUST come off the stove. My tongue hurt literally for weeks. Have you ever gotten your legs waxed? No. Do you own any CLOTHES from Victoria’s Secret? Er, are undergarments not clothes? But I know what you mean. No. What are your grandfathers’ names? William and... I can't remember Dad's dad's name. Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Well yeah. Are you against seances? I don't know if I believe in them being effective, but either way, they seem like a bad idea. Even risking luring a negative energy/spirit to you is something I'd stay away from. Do you own any superhero shirts? No, just Harley Quinn ones, some with the Joker on them, too. I need to toss 'em though because I am like, violently against romanticizing their abusive relationship. I used to just like them as a story character couple, but I got to a place where it just seemed... wrong to "glorify" it by wearing merch and stuff. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica, durrrr. Who is the biggest jerk you’ve ever met? Can you believe that would be my former best friend? Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never had an animal in my path. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you like kissing in public? If you're my serious s/o, I could care less, so long as it's a simple peck. I'm not making out in front of people. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I don't know. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I don't know. I'm lonely and love feels amazing, but I need to get my life on track before I can be a good partner to someone and not just dead weight. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Huh, funny, he's the one that walked away. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Uhhh that would depend on how serious we are, where we are, and just what mood I'm in. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? ugh What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? also ugh What’s your dirtiest secret? TMI AHEAD. Probably receiving oral while bare-ass naked on the chaise in the living room while we were home alone. Or having sex in my sister’s bed. Oops. Would you ever get lyrics tattooed on yourself? Yeah. I already do, anyway, and I plan on getting another. Can you photoshop images well? I'm decent at it. Where did you last drive to? Mom and I went to go get our Covid vaccines today. What’s the first verse of the last song you listened to? "I don't know what we're supposed to be, but I know we lost it along the way to something better, something so much more than pleasure that we seek, so blind inside to fill these holes left by these lies that we tell to ourselves as we manufacture our own hell." What do you hear right now? The aforementioned song: "BLACKOUT" by 3TEETH. What was the last thing you laughed about? This is so fucking immature lmao but when we were driving earlier, we passed a gas station that had a sign that was advertising Coke, but due to space limitations, it abbreviated to "2 liter Cok" and I cackled like a child. Mom laughed harder than I did. Do you know any gay people personally? Ye. What was the last thing that startled you? I think it was a car hoonking at somebody the other day. What was the last thing to make you even remotely sad? Today's been a kind of rough PTSD day thanks to Facebook. My old high school friend had her beautiful daughter, a childhood friend just got married the other day, another friend is due to have her baby in just a couple weeks... It's just weird but even more painful to know it was the life I once fantasized about with a guy that just dropped me and made a break for it. I hate admitting that there's this deep, deep bitterness in me about it, like he took my life away from me, even though that's of course very unfair to say. I don't want to talk about this anymore, so moving on with my day.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''blackout'' by 3teeth

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amillionsmiles · 4 years

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get myself together, spend you all of my money (Ellie/Aster)

Title: get myself together, spend you all of my money Summary: “You’d think going to college out of town would have knocked us both down a peg, but instead we ended up pretty pretentious.” / or: Ellie, Aster, and an apartment full of things. A/N: written while listening to Mitski’s cover of “Let’s Get Married” on loop.

[Read and review here] or continue under the cut.

Ellie finds Aster Flores again on a Sunday.

So far, the NYC Sublets & Apartments Facebook group has yielded more duds than leads, but she scrolls down and suddenly, there: a corner of Squahamish, waving at her from the screen.

LOOKING FOR: Room to rent, ideally available by August. Recently graduated from art school, so that gives you a sense of my budget, but I’m tidy, respectful, and play well with cats. Any PMs with leads appreciated!

The profile picture isn’t anything new; Ellie’s pretty sure she scrolled past it and liked it a few weeks ago during the influx of everyone’s graduation photo updates. Aster’s looking over her shoulder at the camera, the quiet joke that always seemed to hide in her eyes in high school now more pronounced. It’s a good picture, from a purely aesthetic standpoint, and that’s the only reason her heartrate picks up when she hovers over Aster’s name to click Message.

She takes a swig from her iced cappuccino and starts to type.

Hey! Long time, less conversation. Haven’t been to church in a minute, but I remember there being a Bible verse saying something about “two are better than one,” and I’m pretty sure that also applies to apartment-hunting. If that seems like something you’d be interested in, let me know.

Before she can think twice about it, she hits enter.

They move in together in July, when the summer heat turns the air liquid and the acrid smell of molten trash bags wafts from the street. For a second, Ellie misses the Pacific Northwest: the greenish tint of light filtered through leaves, the way she could disappear to a nearby watering hole for respite. Even the mudding that Trig and his friends did now seems appealing—on the stairwell, she fantasizes about the cool shock of it against her skin.

“Hey, Ellie?”

Ellie turns from where she’s been sitting on the top step to see that Aster’s finally gotten the door open. Rocking to her feet, she pushes the cardboard box across the floor, stepping inside to get a look at where they’ll be living for the next year.

The first room is spacious, combining a kitchen area with what can become a living room, once they buy a couch. Trailing her fingers along the wall, Ellie wanders into the other bedroom, then tests the lights in the bathroom. She comes back to find Aster eyeing the ceiling, a hammer pulled from her belongings.

“What are you doing?”

“Here.” Aster beckons her closer. “I’m thinking that this space is big enough that if we hang a curtain, part of it can be my room.”

“Oh.” Ellie hadn’t put much thought into it when they’d signed the lease, assuming they’d share the back room, like a college one-room double situation. It seems naïve, now; they’re adults, of course Aster would want her own space. “It doesn’t have to be yours, though. I mean—we can flip a coin or something, to make it fairer.”

Aster shrugs. “I don’t mind. Besides, the back room is more muffled—I’m less likely to hear you clacking your typewriter this way.” She smiles, the two of them both glancing to where Ellie’s Smith Corona peeks out from its bubble wrap packaging, the pale blue paint gleaming in the sunlight.

“It was my mom’s,” Ellie explains, her own memory fond against her lips.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I always wanted to hear more about her, after that time at the spring.”

“She was fun.” The words take her back to Ping-Pong, Paul’s paddle thwacking the ball against the wall.

“As fun as you are?”

Ellie raises an eyebrow. “Am I fun?”

Aster pushes a sweaty lock of hair behind her ear. Overhead, the air conditioning hums.

“Guess we have plenty of time to find out, heathen.”

“Saw is not the greatest horror movie of our generation.”

“It is!” protests Aster, sitting next to her on the couch. Waxy cartons from the Georgian restaurant Aster waitresses at litter the table, and Ellie licks her fingers clean of the buttery residue from the kubdari—mm, delicious—as she leans back, waiting for Aster to continue.

“Ignore the sequels. But on its own, it’s this brilliant little clockwork machine of the lengths people will go to when they think they’ve got no time left. And the reveal at the end? I heard you gasp.”

“Okay, I’ll give you that, but a lot of the rest of it feels like torture porn.”

Aster rolls her eyes. “No one watches a horror movie for the butterflies.”

“Except you, apparently,” Ellie points out, because this is a thing they do as roommates, now: watch movies and then discuss them over takeout. So far, they’ve tended toward foreign cinema, art-house, and horror. The last genre is the one Aster engages with most fervently. However, Ellie has started to suspect that Aster can turn nearly anything into a debate, perhaps a side effect of all the time she spent wrestling with God in her head during sermons.

“Whatever. I just don’t think you’re giving it the credit it deserves for how well it feeds on the psyches of all the characters.”

“Cupid and Psyche,” Ellie thinks aloud. “Now there’s a story we could talk about.”

Crinkling her nose, Aster says, “We get it, you read literature.”

“So do you,” says Ellie, nudging her foot. “You’re just as big a nerd as I am.”

At that, Aster laughs, tilting her head back. It makes the column of her throat into the soft marble of a Canova statue.

“You’d think going to college out of town would have knocked us both down a peg, but instead we ended up pretty pretentious.”

Looking around their apartment, Ellie has to agree. There are too many stacks of books lying around, various papers jutting out of them as placeholders so she can flip to the passages she needs when writing essays. Aster keeps bringing back abstract art prints from the showcases she attends. In the corner, there’s a ficus that Ellie took home from work out of guilt (she’d been the only one in the office watering it) which they’ve named Walter Benjamin.

“I kind of like it, though.”

Aster turns to her, cheek pressing against the fabric of the couch. Her gaze is a paperweight: glassy and clear and heavy with something Ellie can’t quite name. “I’m not complaining, either.”

Before college, Ellie had considered herself a morning person, simply because she had no reason to be otherwise. Waking up to signal the trains each morning became part of her biorhythm, as natural and unremarkable as her middle part or her thermal underwear. At Grinnell, though, she’d discovered the guilty joy of sleeping in. The downside has been that her body now relies on coffee to function before 10 AM on the weekends.

“Don’t drink that,” says Aster, whisking the tin away from Ellie’s grasp. “I’ve been using it to wash off my brushes.”

Groggily, Ellie leans against the counter, watching Aster bend over the canvas on the kitchen table. She must have been at it for a while—a good third of it is filled in, streaked with purples and browns. After dabbing at a corner, Aster blows a strand of hair out of her face and straightens, reaching to adjust her messy bun.

Ellie squints. “Have you always had that?”

Pausing, Aster feels along the shaved part of her hair, tracing the chevron indented in it. “The undercut? Yeah. A girlfriend did it for me senior year, before we went our separate ways.”

A spike akin to a dose of caffeine shoots through Ellie. She stands a bit taller. “A girlfriend like a girl…?” she trails off, clearing her throat. “Or. A friend.”

The corner of Aster’s mouth twitches. “The first one.”

“Oh. Um.” Ellie swallows. “That’s nice.”

Aster picks up another paintbrush, twirling it between her fingers before deciding against it and setting it back down. When she meets Ellie’s eyes again, the look behind them is bare, vulnerable.

“I haven’t told my parents, though.”

“Is that why you don’t go back to Squahamish?”

Aster’s lips part slightly. “You noticed?”

“The first summer, yeah,” Ellie admits. “After that, I wasn’t around much either. Internships and stuff, you know.”

“And relationships?”

“Some of those, too.”

“Did you seduce all of them wearing flannel?” Aster asks, nodding to the oversized checkered shirt Ellie favors as pajamas. For a second, Ellie just gapes, taken aback by being so thoroughly called out.

“You’re the one with an undercut. Don’t talk to me about queer signaling.”

Aster laughs. It suddenly becomes very important that Ellie turn around and start the coffee machine, right now.

“I like seeing you with your hair down, though,” comes Aster’s voice, drifting over the sound of water straining into a pot.

“—And then I thought, what if it’s a temperature thing?” finishes Paul, his face ruddy and proud through the screen. Sensing an opening, Ellie stops worrying the inside of her mouth.

“Did you know Aster likes girls? Like, officially?” Almost immediately, she cringes from how juvenile her delivery makes her sound.

Paul doesn’t so much as twitch. “Uh, yeah. It’s come up once or twice.”

“Wait, she’s talked about it with you?” Ellie sits up on her mattress. Since when were Paul and Aster confidantes?

“Yeah. Sorry I didn’t say anything, it’s just I read all this stuff about not outing people before they were ready, and I figured if it was important enough to her she’d let you know eventually. Uh, Ellie, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Blinking rapidly, Ellie fights the surge of affection threatening to overtake her. Stupid Paul, making her stupidly proud to have him as a best friend.

“Do you—er. Do you think you might like her?”

“Oh, god, no. And I mean it for real this time,” she says, meeting Paul’s skeptical look. Part of it is pride—it seems like character regression, to return to the source of her teenage fantasies when she’s learned so much about herself since then. “It’s just nice to have a friend who gets both parts of it, you know? The being queer and being from Squahamish.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. Hey, do you guys want a batch of these sausages when I finish tinkering with the recipe? It takes two days to ship cross-country, I checked.”

Ellie laughs. “Yeah, Munsky, send them our way.”

Ellie wets the edges of the dough tucked in her palm, working from the outside in as she crimps the dumpling and places it on a plate. Across from her, Aster works with similar dexterity, a pink sliver of tongue poking out the side of her mouth in concentration.

“You’re good at this.”

Aster sets aside another dumpling, using two fingers to scoop a mound of dough from the bowl between them. “Yeah, I helped my mom a lot with her empanadas, growing up.”

“Say you had kids,” Ellie starts. “What’s one thing you’d teach them, before they turned thirteen?”

Aster considers. “Long division. Except I’d have to get someone else to teach them, because I’m terrible at math.”

“Really?”

“Really. Do you ever think about how smart people have been, to invent the concept of infinity and the concept of zero?”

“Mm. And where would you put the idea of God on that scale?”

“Like, a solid fifty,” says Aster, flicking water at her face.

In November, Ellie publishes a short story in the New Yorker, which Aster crows about for a solid week.

“Aster, oh my god, you’re being embarrassing,” she says upon walking into the kitchen and finding her story printed in full, each sheet pinned to the refrigerator door with a bright red magnet.

“You should be proud,” Aster insists.

Paul calls her to discuss it. “Me and your dad read it. I thought it was really good. Are you working on more stuff?”

“Slow your roll, Munsky.” Ellie laughs. “I’m not as prolific as you are, dreaming up new sausage combinations every day.”

Off-camera, the staticky sound of a TV and a faint Ellie? sounds.

“Here, Mr. Chu.” Paul passes the phone to her dad, who is wrapped in his usual robe. The lines by his eyes relax when he sees her face.

“How are you?” she asks in Mandarin. “Are you keeping warm?”

“You should be worried about yourself—it’s colder where you are,” her dad replies. “Paul’s good about keeping me company. He read your piece to me three times. The scene with the swing set, and the little girl…” He switches to English. “Best part. Your mom would be proud.”

“Thanks, Ba,” says Ellie, voice thick. She goes to bed that night and dreams of being sandwiched between her mom and dad, dancing in the living room.

She and Aster host a small get-together in December. They put a Santa hat on Walter Benjamin and get everyone drunk on mulled wine until the party devolves into a caroling session, Aster’s friend James competing with Ellie’s friend Larissa to see who can belt “O Holy Night” louder. Afterwards, she and Aster sprawl on Aster’s mattress, limbs loosened from a successful night. The string lights Aster wound through the curtains as decoration for the party flicker, casting the room a soft gold.

“Would you ever get a tattoo?” Ellie asks. It’s been on her mind ever since she noticed the olive branch inked above Larissa’s collarbone. She’s wary of the pain, though.

Beside her, Aster shifts, arm pressing against hers. “I have one, actually.”

“What, really?”

“Yeah.” She props herself up on an elbow, pulling her shirt up to reveal a cluster of flowers just below her rib.

Tracing the lines with her eyes, Ellie asks, “What kind of flowers are they?”

“Asters.”

“You’re joking.”

Aster looks straight back at her. “I’m 100% serious.”

“Isn’t that a bit too on the nose?” Ellie studies the tattoo again and then snorts, shaking her head. “I can’t believe it.” The wine must still be in her system, because the fuzziness of a laugh flushes through her body.

“What?” Aster seems miffed. “Ellie, what’s so funny?”

“Nothing, I’m just— You were so reserved before, and now you’ve got an undercut and a tattoo and. Do you remember— there was that day when Jenny Newman brought in that pink scarf and you all walked down the hallway like something out of a Clique movie, it was ridiculous. I can’t believe I had a crush on you. Oh my god.”

“Stop.” Aster shoves her shoulder, but she’s laughing, too. “Don’t remind me. God. God! What a terrible color, it didn’t match my outfit at all.”

“But it’s okay, because now you’re Aster Flores, hardcore.”

“Well, what about you, Ellie Chu?”

“What what about me?”

Aster sits up. “You’re walking into a tattoo parlor right now. What do you decide to get, and where?”

“Persimmons,” Ellie says, before even fully conceiving the thought. “On my… right shoulder.”

“All right.” Aster gets up and feels around her desk; the next thing Ellie knows, she’s kneeling before her on the mattress, a fine-tipped pen in hand. “I’ll draw it for you.”

“Okay.” Slowly, Ellie sits up, tugging the collar of her shirt down as far as it’ll go to expose the skin needed for Aster’s canvas. The first touch tickles; she tries to hold herself as still as possible while Aster draws, ink flowing in thin lines. She considers watching the process, but it makes her go cross-eyed and dizzy, so she closes her eyes instead and feels: the smoothness of a persimmon skin, the shine of their texture, the sweet crunch of a fruit just barely ripened.

“Done,” Aster whispers, and Ellie leans closer to catch it. It feels like they’re in a confessional booth. Aster caps the pen and bites her lip, but she doesn’t move away.

“Ellie—” Her breath smells of cinnamon and cloves. Like the sharpest part of the forest, like all things good and lovely and too fragile to want.

“I should go to bed,” Ellie says, and it takes every ounce of strength she has to extract herself, to stumble back to her room and sit against the closed door, shaking.

“Ellie? Ellie, pick up the phone. It’s about your dad. It’s not—super critical, or anything, but I still think—uh. Just… call me back as soon as you can.”

Her carry-on is by the door and she’s set to leave for the airport in an hour. When Aster finds her, she’s cutting and skinning apples in the kitchen—not even to eat, just to have something to do with her hands.

Silently, Aster pulls out some bread, cream cheese, and salmon. When she’s done with the sandwich, she slips it into a plastic bag and holds it out to Ellie.

“For the plane ride.”

“Thanks.” Ellie sets down the knife and goes to put the sandwich away in her backpack. She zips it up.

“Would you come with me, if I asked?”

By the sink, Aster is quiet. Ellie thinks of that awful moment in the ping pong room, when she’d thought Paul had caught on to her.

“You know what, never mind.”

“If I go with you, I’m going to want to be with you.” Aster looks down at her hands as she says it; it’s the first time she’s seemed uncertain in a while. Ellie soaks in the confession, turning it over in her head. It’s brave. It’s honest.

It’s not enough.

“I just.” Aster shrugs, helpless. “I’m not ready for that conversation, yet. With them. For the fallout of what the worst could be.”

Pick me, her heart throbs, selfishly. Pick me pick me pickme. She is a train leaving the station, hoping for someone to catch her. But no time to wait; her dad needs her.

“Take care, Aster,” she says, shrugging her backpack over her shoulder. Aster’s face crumples like snow. Ellie tries not to look back.

The hospital discharges her dad after a week. Ellie stays for another two, making sure his cough is gone and all the mucus has loosened from his chest. When he regains enough energy to start fighting back against her fussing, she recruits Paul to make sure he drinks enough fluids every day.

“Pneumonia,” she scolds at the doorway, shaking her head. “Don’t ever scare me like that again!”

“Ch,” her dad says. “You want to talk about scared? How about that time when you were seven and fell off the monkey bars? Nearly cracked your head open.”

Paul looks between them, bewildered. “Okay, Mr. Chu, I’ve gotta get Ellie to the airport. There’s still ice on the roads so driving will be slower than usual.”

In the car, Ellie holds her hands to the heat, touching the pads of her fingertips to each other.

“Do you like it better out east?”

Ellie tilts her head. “City life is different, that’s for sure. It feels freer and lonelier. Not as many people paying attention to you, so you can be anything you want to be. But also: not as many people paying attention to you.”

“Hm, I get that. Like being at my house versus being at yours.”

“You’re saying that the Munskys are New York City and me and my dad are Squahamish?”

“Never mind. I guess my house has all the people New York has, but they’re all jumping down your throat instead of passing you by.”

Ellie laughs. “You love it, though.”

Across the dash, Paul smiles at her. “Yeah, I do.”

“You wouldn’t consider the Midwest? It’d be a happy medium.”

“I did like Iowa, when I visited you.”

“Chicago, then,” Ellie proposes. “In five years. People there buy lots of hot dogs—it’d be good business.”

“I’ll think about it,” Paul promises, pulling up to the curb. He gets out to help with her suitcase, wrapping her in a warm hug. Ellie buries her nose into the center of his chest and inhales. She wonders if it's possible to absorb his courage through her lungs.

“Paul?” she asks, when he starts to pull away. “Can I ask you something?”

His eyes are bright with concern. “Of course.”

“If you loved someone, and they loved you back in the same way, but they said you couldn’t be together, what would you do?”

“Well, I’d ask myself: when I picture being with that person, what does it really look like? Is it okay if the image doesn’t exactly match up? Because then I’d hold on.”

“Never Let Me Go.”

“What?”

“It’s another Kazuo Ishiguro book,” says Ellie, smiling. “You should read it if you get the time.”

“All right, boss,” says Paul, mock-saluting her. “Now go catch your flight.”

It’s past midnight when she gets back to the apartment, careful not to make too much noise as she slips past Aster’s room and into her bed. Her head is about to hit the pillow when her phone screen lights up, casting her as a glaring shadow against the bedroom wall.

Aster: Hey, heard you come in. Is your dad okay?

Yeah. I sentenced him to house arrest for the month, with Paul as guard dog.

Aster: All right, Foucault. Discipline & Punish. Aster: I’m glad he’s better, though.

Thanks. Did you miss me much?

Aster: Well, I realized that the cookies disappear at a much slower rate when you’re not around. :P

It’s strange to be talking like this when they’re separated by only a hallway, when for the past six months they’ve seen each other face-to-face every day. And yet, in some ways it’s easier: the crackle of electricity, the dots appearing, then fading, then appearing again.

Aster: Can you come into the hall? Aster: There’s something I want to say.

Ellie sits up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. Gently, she cracks open the door to see Aster leaning against the wall opposite the bathroom. Her hair is tangled. She looks beautiful.

“Hey.”

Sliding down to the floor, Aster gestures to the spot opposite her. “Sit.”

Dutifully, Ellie obeys, bringing her knees to her chest and resting her chin atop them. The hallway is so narrow that her toes end up tucked under Aster’s legs, crisscrossed in front of her.

“I’ve been thinking about what I said to you right before you left,” says Aster. “And I did some more thinking while I was here alone. And the thing is, I don’t want to be all or nothing with you. I want us to be—something. And I’m wondering if you could be okay with that. If we could take it little by little, and just figure it out as it comes. If you’re willing to wait.”

“Yeah.” Ellie swallows. “We can do that.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Nodding, Ellie starts to rise, but Aster gets a determined look in her eyes and suddenly she’s swooping forward, the scent of her hair—vanilla and violets—swinging around them, her hand cupping Ellie’s cheek and her mouth a bright star against Ellie’s, striking deep as a hymn into her bones. Ellie counts to five before opening her eyes, and when she speaks, her voice is hoarse.

“I thought you wanted me to wait.”

“Guess I’m bad at following my own rules,” Aster says, and grins.

#the half of it #ellie chu #aster flores #ellie x aster #my writing #fanfiction #ff: the half of it

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seductivejellyfish · 4 years

Text

Musings

The first English translation of Homer’s Odyssey was completed in 1615, by classicist, dramatist, and poet George Chapman. He begins:

The man, O Muse, inform, that many a way

Wound with his wisdom to his wished stay;

The first time I read the Odyssey was the summer before ninth grade. I had applied to a bougie private high school that I later chose not to attend, but as an acceptance gift they sent me a beautiful golden book, the Robert Fagles 1996 blank verse translation of the Odyssey. His first line:

Sing to me of the man, Muse, the man of twists and turns

driven time and again off course,

At the time I had only the vaguest notion of the plot of the epic. I knew, or I thought I knew, that it was the story of Odysseus and his journey home, punctuated with an endless series of wild monsters and treacherous encounters. When I opened the book I was shocked to find that the Odyssey begins not with the adventure of the titular hero, but back home in Ithaca with his mopey abandoned son. My second shock came shortly after, when the goddess Athena descends to earth to inspire said mope, and does so in the form of Mentes, a man.

I reread the lines to make sure I hadn’t missed anything in the confusing clamor of ancient verse. Athena disguised as a man? Surely that couldn’t be right. But it was. Every single disguise of Athena, sans one, was a man. Not only that, there were multiple scenes where mortals recognize her for her true nature and yet still regard her in her guise. In those moments she existed as goddess and mortal, female and male simultaneously. It was almost too much to handle.

400 years after George Chapman, Emily Wilson became the first woman to translate the Odyssey into English. She hurled a book through a millenia’s glass ceiling and when it landed it opened to:

Tell me about a complicated man.

Muse, tell me how he wandered and was lost.

At age 14 I wandered from a tiny private Jewish middle school into Boston Latin Academy and was promptly lost. Trapped in the practices of the past 300 odd years, every student was required to take 3-4 years of Latin. The first year was relentlessly boring. We bumbled our way through the textbook, memorizing endings and grammatical rules as though the language was a series of mathematical formulas and not something to be read and spoken and learned.

In tenth grade I cut my hair. For years I had kept my waist-length hair in a thick side braid and in a day it was all gone. I can’t for the life of me remember what was it that made me do it, or when I got the idea. At some point I started telling people that I was thinking about it, and then I started telling people that I was going to do it, and then I did it. Anybody who has gone abruptly from long hair to short knows the miracle of the first shower: the giddy lightness that moves from your neck down through your whole body.

We started reading real Latin in class and suddenly the language became alive. I wrestled with the text to produce a messy grammatical translation at the bottom of my page and then neatly rewrote a more pleasing version alongside the columns of poetry. I doodled all across the back of the pages--beautiful Greek men with flowing hair, columns and bays, Icarus, wings outspread, falling into the sea. Aphrodite descends to earth in disguise as a young huntress. I search between the pages for Athena.

Near the city of Crete lived an unremarkable but blameless man and his unremarkable wife. So scared was he of the pain of raising a daughter that he delivered the ultimate warning to his wife: if their child should be born a girl, she must be killed. Only a boy should live. We all know the story--with the dropping of the ultimatum, the course of the tale is sealed. The mother will have a baby girl and she will be unable to destroy her. In this tale there are no babies in baskets, or foundlings left in the woods. Instead, instructed by a goddess, the mother conspires with a nurse to raise the child as a boy. The father names the child Iphis, after his father, and the mother is happy because the name suits a boy or girl and it removes part of the burden of the lie. The child grows up fine and beautiful, with all the best features of the male and female. Their disguise is unquestioned, and they grow up happy, sharing their childhood with a friend, Ianthe. We know this story too. Young love blossoms, and soon the two are engaged, to the delight of father and the despair of mother and child.

I read this story properly for the first time, in Latin, in the summer of 2020, with the help of my Greek professor. At the beginning of our Greek class the year before we had each chosen Greek names. I was fascinated by the gender play in this story, and so I stole the name Ianthe from it. I am drawn much more to Iphis, of course, but I find the name Ianthe more lovely. And perhaps it is fitting that I embody that fascination with the choice of the name of the character so in love with Iphis, whatever gender they may be.

Burning with love and chafing at the equal ardor of Ianthe, Iphis cries out in despair to the gods.

“If the gods want to spare me, then they ought to spare me already! If not, if they wish to destroy me, then at least deal me some regular harm, according to the laws of nature! Never has love of mares consumed a mare, or of cows a cow: sheep love rams, and stags chase after does, the females of their own kind. Thus too birds couple, and amongst each and every type of animal, no woman is seized by feminine desire. I wish I were no woman!”

We reach this part of the poem and I am compelled to stop and reach through the text, to try in vain to comfort the grieving lover. You’re not broken at all, poor girl. You’re not alone.

My professor asks me if I knew the story when I chose my name, and I tell her that I did. I am always aching to be recognized, to be seen, but at the same time I want to reassure her that this angst of Iphis’ which dominates the text is not a pain I have had to bear. Blessed by my circumstances, I have never once resented who I am. I have never been made to feel unnatural, and I have never felt alone. Again, perhaps it was right that I chose to become Ianthe, the unwitting and undisturbed bride who manages to never hear a thing about the anguish that surrounds her betrothal.

The end of the story offers a neat resolution-the goddess hears Ianthe’s prayers and transforms her into a man. Light the marriage torches and sound the bells! I am torn in every direction. I don’t know what’s more important--the love of a woman for a woman, the ability for a character to straddle the line between gender, or the transformation from woman to man. Despite knowing that the social construct of gender in Roman times is far from the one I exist within, I can’t help wondering about Iphis after the curtains close. Are they happier as a man? Are they a man at all, or a woman in the body of a man? Was gender ever anything for them other than a weight around their neck, or a performance to play? I translate and translate and wonder what pronouns to use, reading the word woman again and again.

Iphis leaves a gift in the temple, dedicated to the goddess with an inscription:

DONA: PVER: SOLVIT: QVAE: FEMINA: VOVERAT: IPHIS.

A boy pays this gift, which a woman had pledged, Iphis.

I take a spoken Latin class and think of using neuter endings for myself and then I don’t. I go from “she/her” to “she/they” to “any pronouns.”

O Muse, instruct me of the man who drew

His changeful course through wanderings not a few,

Trans. John William Mackail, 1903.

Athena comes to earth as Mentes. Aristophanes jests with his tale of the original third androgynous gender as pretty boys vie for spots on the ground next to Socrates.

Tell me, O Muse, of the Shifty, the man who wandered afar.

Trans. William Morris, 1887.

The goddess commands that Iphis live as a baby girl until she can grow into a man. I bind my chest with medical tape and stick socks in my jeans and write my first original ancient Greek poem.

Tell me the tale, Muse, of that man

Of many changes,

Trans. Herbert Bates, 1929.

Telemachus strings up a line of women like caught bird for the crime of being sex slaves and translator Fagles kills them again when he calls them “sluts” and “whores” where the Greek says “sleeping.”

This is the story of a man, one who

was never at a loss.

Trans. William Henry Denham Rouse, 1937

I’m letting my hair grow out again, in an undercut this time. Quarantine has seen me take at last to the clippers, shaving the sides and leaving the rest to grow. It’s long enough now to tuck behind my ears. I’ve spent my Saturdays chanting the Odyssey in a sing-song up and down my house and yard. I’ve memorized over 50 lines by now, but none as powerful as that eternal first. Someday I’ll translate it too. I imagine how appropriate it will be to have a little “trans.” before my name.

The first word of the Odyssey is Ἄνδρα, Andra-man. I take the man inside of me, right next to the woman and the thing which is neither, and I work on translating myself.

#classics #original #my writing #ancient greek #latin #translation #gender and sexuality #long post #here have an essay i wrote for class #iphis and ianthe #ovid #the odyssey #homer #translating homer #gender

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kiarcheo · 4 years

Text

It’s All Coming Back to Me Now 4/?

To read on Ao3 click here

You can read the previous parts on Tumblr click here

-------------------------------------

By the time Anne announces she is ready to present a first version of her song, everyone is quite curious to see what she cooked up.

‘I thought about what Anna and Kat said last time. About making it modern…and have everyone involved.’ Anne explains as Kat once again sets up her laptop. ‘So Kat is doing the chorus, which would be your parts.’

Grew up in the French Court Oui, oui, bonjour

Laughter immediately follow the exaggerated French accent coming from the queen who speak the language as fluently and perfectly as her native one.

All the British dudes, lame

Catalina and Anna share a look as Kat chimes in with ‘epic fail’. They had bonded over being shipped to a foreign country not knowing a single word of English to marry some random dude...They are not going to have problems singing that part like they mean it.

(Ooh) I wanna dance and sing (Politics) Not my thing

Catalina barely restrains a snort. Definitely her thing.

(You sent him kisses) I didn't know I would move in with his missus (What?) Get a life (You're living with his wife?)

Kat is extremely convincing at acting shocked at Anne’s actions and then clearly uncomfortable at the next verse, looking down at her feet.

(Ooh) Don't be bitter (Ooh) 'cause I'm fitter (Ooh) Why hasn't it hit her? He doesn't want to bang you Somebody hang you

‘Do you really have to use that language?’ Jane asks after they have all complimented Anne for her song.

‘What? Bitch?’ It’s quite clear to everyone that Anne is trying to rile Jane up. ‘If Catalina can say shit, why can’t I say bitch?’

Both Catalina and Anna nod at Anne’s words. Jane sends her a not-impressed look. She knows she is now repeating that word on purpose now, just to annoy her.

‘They don’t actually say it. Neither of them.’ Kat points out, raising her eye for the first time since half-way through the song, but still avoiding looking at Catalina.

'Moving on,’ Jane concedes, ‘while I technically understand all the words, there are some parts I don’t really...what xo means?’ Unlike Anne, Anna and Kat, Jane had not immediately taken to modern pop culture. At the moment she is trying to understand memes, much to the others’ amusement. They even have a group chat just devoted to sending her memes and gifs to see what she thinks they are and then explaining them. Most of the time Jane regrets having joined the chat and she would just abandon it if she didn’t know that they would add her back in immediately…and also that it’s all good-natured teasing.

‘Hugs and Kisses. Like, if you text someone and you sign off with xo it stands for that. X for kisses and O for hugs.’

'Aaah-’ Jane nods. That makes sense. That’s why Kat followed that line with ‘you sent him kisses’. ‘What about x-rated? It's kisses related too?’

‘In a way.’ Anne guffaws.

‘When something has a x rating, it’s because it’s very explicit. For adults only.’

The others look mildly amused at her innocence and Cathy’s explanation, but Anna is sure Jane will be uncomfortable once she realises. ‘Sex, Jane.’ She cuts it short.

‘You know what?’ Jane’s face is aflame. ‘If you give me the words, I’m going to look them up for myself.’

‘Can I talk to you for a second?’ Jane stops Kat as the meeting wraps up.

‘Want me to wait for you?’ Catalina asks.

‘If you don’t mind.’ Kat sends her a smile, before turning her attention to Jane.

‘I wanted to ask if you could help me out with my song. You wrote Catalina’s, right?’

‘Well, she wrote the words, I just played around, adjusted some bits and added others, you know, for rhymes and rhythm, and stuff like that.’

‘It’s just that...I know what I want to say, but words have never been my strong suit.’ Jane admits self-consciously. ‘If you could help me with that too. And the music. Obviously. To use Anne’s words. Not my thing.’ Jane smiles self-deprecatingly.

‘I would love to!’ Kat smiles encouragingly. ‘Have you thought about what type of sound are you lookin...’ she trails off seeing the slight panic on her face. ‘Why don’t you just make a list of singers and songs that you like? And that you’d like your song to...well, not be similar, but you know?’

Jane nods. That she gets. They agree on meeting up soon to start working on the lyrics and that meanwhile Jane will send Kat songs to get inspirations for the music part.

‘Everything okay?’ Catalina asks as they fall into step.

Kat hesitates for brief second. She will know anyway once she starts spending a lot of time out of the house with Jane, just like she did while working on Anne’s song. Probably even more. And the others will find out when they present it. Make no sense to keep it secret. ‘She just wanted to ask for my help with her song.’

‘What about you?’ Kat asks after a bit, noticing the expression on Catalina’s face. ‘Are you upset about Anne’s song? I’m really sorry about...well, you know what part.’

‘Did you write it?’

‘No!’

‘Exactly.’ Catalina had noticed how uncomfortable the girl had looked and how she had avoided eye contact with her pretty much up until they had finished the meeting and she had spoken to her directly, asking whether she should wait for her or not. ‘Besides, she says it herself, she didn’t really mean it.’

‘Then what is it?’

‘Are you okay with all the...losing your head jokes?’

‘Not really bothered to be honest.’ Kat shrugs. She had time to get used to Anne joking about it and she can see the appeal. She had mentioned it to Cathy, who said something about using humour to cope with trauma and grief. ‘But I know it’s not that. What’s on your mind?’

Catalina sighs. Sometimes having someone knowing you backfires. And Kat does know her. Perhaps a little too well. ‘I know that she is playing around a lot. The “just want to have fun” vibe. The slang. Playing up the airhead persona. Blatantly lying about the politics thing.’ She shakes her head. Everyone who knows about Anne Boleyn will know that is not true. ‘But that line about her father...’ she trails off. She never really considered the role family politics might have played into the whole affair. She always assumed it had been all Anne.

‘That’s something you should ask her.’ Kat says after a beat. Her loyalty will always be to Catalina, but they are not pitted against each other anymore. She loves Anne as well and won’t betray her confidence. And this is a perfect example of why, at the time, which now feels like ages ago, she had requested not to be asked about the other queens, but for everyone to take it up with the person in question. ‘Just because you’re my mom it doesn’t mean rules don’t apply to you.’ Kat winks at her cheekily in an effort to lighten up the mood. Rationally she knows Catalina won’t be upset and will respect her wish not to talk about it. But she can’t help feeling like she is letting her down, disappointing her.

‘I’m proud of you.’

'Why?’

Because she is still caring and sweet despite everything and everyone? Because she never hesitates to use her talents to help others? Because she knows that the little girl who served her and whose priority was to please her is still very much present in Kat, no matter how many times she tells her that she is her daughter now, not her attendant, but here she is, in a way, standing up to her, to protect Anne’s privacy?

Kat sounds genuinely confused and it breaks Catalina’s heart. Every. Single. Time. She will keep telling her until one day Kat’s reaction won’t be surprise and incredulity.

‘I’d need a third lifetime to list all the reasons. But I’m always proud of you.’ Catalina slips her hand so that she is holding the crook of Kat’s elbow, now walking arm in arm. ‘Siempre, querida, siempre.’

When it comes to Jane’s turn, the set-up is a bit different. Upon Jane’s request, Kat is going to play the keyboard instead of having a track playing on her laptop. Despite Kat’s encouragement, Jane still doesn’t feel fully confident...especially about some parts of her song. More than once she suggested to take those out, afraid of chocking or freezing when singing in front of other people. Since when they had practiced with Kat on the keyboard, if Jane changed anything, the younger girl had been able to adapt the music on the spot...they had agreed that Kat will play and follows Jane’s lead, if she decides not to go full-out.

‘I’m sorry...you were the one worried about us singing ourselves??’ Anne breaks the silence that had settled as Jane’s song winded down.

‘Yes, girl!’ Anna agrees. ‘That’s some set of pipes.’

‘We might actually have a problem finding people who can sing that. Between you and Catalina...’ Cathy joins in. The new version of the first queen’s song had some new lines, minor changes and tweaks. And lots of riffing, with Catalina fully making the song hers while Kat had sung the added choruses.

‘I was surprised myself.’ Jane admits bashful at the praises. ‘We went through...scales?’ she looks at Kat to make sure she is saying it right.

‘Yes, I wanted to find her vocal range. See what was within her natural reach, how high she could get…and she kept going up and up.’ Kat nods with a laugh, remembering the scene and how shocked they had both been when they realised the potential of Jane’s voice. Once Kat heard her, she knew she simply had to include some whistle notes.

‘I think some vocal training would be good.’ Anne raises her hands at the looks she receives. ‘I don’t mean it like that. I already said that! Just...one thing is doing that once. Another is doing it repeatedly and consistently…and doing it well.’

‘She has a point.’ Everyone who had ever taken vocal lessons agree.

‘It’s like with playing an instrument or dancing. You might have talent, but you need to cultivate it. Study. Practice. Train.’

‘Talking about dancing,’ Catalina starts, ‘what do we think about choreographies? Jane’s song doesn’t lend itself, but I have some ideas for mine.’

Kat looks at her, raised eyebrow and amused expression on her face. Some ideas? She basically has choreographed half of the song already.

The exchange is missed as Anne exclaims. ‘Me too!’

Jane groans. ‘Not that too. I just solved one problem.’

‘Please,’ Anna scoffs good-natured at her, ‘next thing we know you’ll be popping and locking like a pro.’

‘I have no idea what you just said.’ Jane deadpans.

Anne and Catalina are still staring at each other. Kat and Cathy look from one to the other. The first two queens were both renowned, among a lot of other things, for being accomplished and skilful dancers. Things had gone quite smoothly so far, but they learned during their cohabitation to never underestimate what could start a squabble…or worse.

‘So,’ Anne clears her throat, suddenly awkward, ‘team up?’

Catalina ponders in silence a bit longer. ‘You know what? Why not!’

She doesn’t miss the relieved looks on the last two queens’ faces, before they turn to each other with excited grins. She supposes that her girl is happy that she is trying to get along with her cousin, whom she got even closer since they worked on Anne’s song together, and Cathy is probably happy with how her project is taking shape, and that others besides her (and Kat) are showing initiative. And both are probably happy that a potential quarrel had been avoided. The last two queens had been the ones most uncomfortable when discussions would happen at the household.

‘Anyone has anything else to add before we adjourn the meeting?’

‘Ohh, so profesh!’ Anne teases Cathy.

‘I actually have.’ Kat speaks up. ‘I thought about your idea of having an intro song...what if we make it about what we are known for?’

‘Oh. Like, this is what you think you know about us. Then bam! We have our songs that rewrite the whole history.’ Anna picks it up immediately.

‘Making it…her-story,’

Everyone turns to look at Jane, who appears very proud of her pun. Kat is the one who reacts first. Having spent long hours with her cousin while writing her song, she has come to know her love for puns and – usually lame – jokes. She whips out her pen to scribble something down on her pink notebook, before raising her head again. ‘But yes, Anna, that’s exactly what I meant.’

‘That makes sense.’ Anne nods.

‘We should include that stupid rhyme.’ Kat muses aloud. ‘You know, divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived...wait. Wait.’ she raises one hand as to silence the others while with her other hand she is busy writing on her notebook.

‘We are waiting.’ Catalina informs her, tone amused. ‘Not sure what for, though.’

Kat doesn’t reply until she stops writing. She gives a long look at the words she penned. ‘What about.

I'm done 'cause all this time I've been just one word In a stupid rhyme

‘We could use that as an actual intro!’ Anne lights up. ‘Like. Divorced and Catalina enters. Beheaded and I do. And so on.’

‘I haven’t started to think about that song at all.’ Cathy admits. She is slowly putting together her own. There is so much she wants to say and not much time…in a song. Sometimes she wishes she had less time to write, that she was not the last queen, because then she would have to take what she got and present it, instead of agonizing over every single word and whether there is a better one to use. ‘But just like this, on the spot...I think that stupid rhyme,’ she sends a smile to Kat, ‘could also work as refrain?’

#six the musical fanfiction #six the musical #catherine and katherine #six fanfiction #six writing #my six posts #six fanfic #six the musical fic #fic: It’s All Coming Back to Me Now #six the musical fanfic #six fic #mywork #my ideas #my posts

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shadowsong26fic · 4 years

Text

Some Stuff

Not a proper Coming Attractions post, that’ll come out on the first Monday of the month as always, but...a more general update on some projects (and also possibly looking for input?)

Basically, I’ve accepted the inevitable, that I’ve fallen back into ATLA in a big way. I haven’t actually rewatched the series yet, because my roommate was doing so and I kept popping in and out and I didn’t want to confuse myself by trying to do a straight rewatch while she was doing hers, but I have reread a bunch of old fanfic/RP logs, and have some plots I kind of want to work with again? Either as fulltext or as an AU Outline. Behind the cut are some more details, as well as seeking Opinions on which, if any, I should actually work on.

I am also Determined to not fall out of SW as this is going on, lol. More details about that behind the cut, as well.

(Also, I’ve talked about some of the stuff listed here on my writing discord, which feel free to come stop by and hang out! It’s basically an extension of this tumblr, only a little more interactive. Find us here!)

Star Wars Stuff:

I plan to take next weekend to bang out at minimum the next Precipice chapter, and possibly the next two (though I’ll stagger posting if I do manage to get both done). And then try and give myself a more active schedule to get the next parts of the series out.

I’m also working on a dragonshifters AU, which I’m enjoying a lot. I think OFLAM may be relegated to the back burner for a while, though I’ll probably kick it up again if I end up doing it for SWBB next year (unless I tease out enough of a Plot for dragonshifters to do that instead, lol). I’ve talked about some of the worldbuilding on my writing discord, too.

I also still owe some meme responses from way back, which I do intend to get to at some point I promise <.<

And I haven’t forgotten some other extant projects--Devoted!verse, the Ventress outline, Bail Unfucks the Timeline, Distaff, etc.--but they’re pretty back-burnered for the time being. If something Sparks in any of those, I’ll probably dive into it, but for now I’m not actively working on them in the way I am on dragonshifters and Precipice.

AtLA Stuff:

So, there’s sort of...four or five projects spinning around in my head right now, lol. One of which, if I do it, would not work as an outline so it would be fulltext. It’s canon-compliant, for the most part.

...well, I should interrupt myself here to say the following: I haven’t read a lot of the comics or tie-in novels, and my familiarity with more recent Word of God is limited. I’m basically operating out of canon defined as “it’s in the original show or WoG I’m specifically aware of, drawing in stuff from other sources as it appeals to me but otherwise ignoring it.” Where WoG contradicts itself (i.e., the timeline for Lu Ten’s death),I go with whatever answer I prefer.

In terms of worldbuilding details added in Korra--ehhhhh, it’s sort of held a little higher than the comics, etc. (in that, if I remember it, unless it Josses something I really, really liked/was foundational to something I’m doing, I’ll probably include it); but most likely whatever I’m doing will go AU enough during the first series for a lot of the other detail work/character-specific stuff to not matter.

Anyway! Back to the fun stuff.

There’s one story I’m playing with that’s not going to work as an AU outline. Depending on exactly what I focus on, there’s a couple different fulltext fics buried in it, and I’m not sure which I’d work on (or if I’d braid the two of them together). Basically, it deals with the siege of Ba Sing Se and Lu Ten’s death, and some of the fallout from that, focusing on an OC of mine and her daughter. I found a short fic I wrote for a challenge back in the day that ties into this concept, which is at the very end of this post. If I work on this, I’d probably change the names of the two relevant OCs and possibly how she gets her memory back (it was written specifically for a “what happened in the rest of the world when Zhao captured Tui” challenge; guess how many of them were Hama-related), but. Anyway, building on either the Siege portion of the story (which has a lot of West Side Story on its soundtrack in my head lol), or focusing on what she does after she remembers him. Or both! Both is also good.

The rest of the options are mostly Zuko-centric canon-divergence fics.

First option, Airbender!Zuko. This occurs because The Spirits Said So; he’s gotten very good at fake firebending using airbending. Probably to the point where he’s so deep in denial that he can’t even see the pyramids anymore, to stretch that analogy to the breaking point, lol. Basically, not much changes until the north pole, but there’s some ways for it to go from there...

Second option, Avatar Zuko. This one has been floating around in my head more lately. Reading old RP logs, my partner and I played through a bunch of different variants on how this all worked, but the one in my head right now is basically--a few months before he’s banished, they’re at Ember Island or something and he’s out on the ocean/fishing or something. Sudden storm, he stops the boat from capsizing through panicked waterbending. No other witnesses, for whatever reason. He initially decides he imagined it, something else must have happened. Except then, when he’s in the palace infirmary after getting his face melted, he does it again. At that point, he basically decides that his options here are “get turned into a weapon and kill A Lot of people, or get disappeared into some dark hole somewhere where I can’t cause any problems.” Neither of those is particularly attractive, so he decides to run away. He doesn’t know what his long-term plan is at this moment--if he’ll use the comet to regain favor/save his nation based on the context he’s operating under right now, or do something else. But he has about three and a half years before then. He figures he’ll spend a year at the Western Air Temple, looking for texts/mosaics/something to get him at least vaguely airbending; then go to the North Pole to learn waterbending for a year, then spend a year in the Earth Kingdom to learn earthbending. Planning, for the last two, to present himself as mixed and while he has a lot of his Fire Nation father’s features, he inherited bending from his other parent (or grandparent, when he goes to the North Pole). For those of you familiar with my original fic, this will also include the first iteration of a prominent secondary character from Feredar/The Farglass Cycle. Mostly so Zuko has someone to talk to at the WAT XD.

Third and fourth options are a bit more nebulous, and both break off during the Ba Sing Se arc. First option, Zuko gets injured during the stampede when Aang moves the zoo (this will probably draw in at least one of my BSS OCs because I am pathologically incapable of not creating OCs, lol). Second option, Zuko leaves his mask behind in Lake Laogai, which means Aang will know he’s in the city. Not sure where either of those would go from that point but there’s some Significant Differences there, lol.

...anyway, that’s where things stand now. Which, if any, are y’all interested in seeing?

As promised, the clip from the Lu Ten story, originally written for a challenge back in...yeesh 2010 XD. Again, this is canon-compliant at least up until Iroh and Zuko arrive in BSS, and I’d possibly change the names and/or how she gets her memories back.

An Wei sat by the window, holding her little girl and watching the sky. Today had been one of Huai's bad days, so An Wei had her hand resting lightly on her daughter's neck, counting her heartbeats. The doctors had told her, back when Huai was a baby and they'd figured out what was wrong with her, to hope for seven years--but only to hope, not to count on them. So An Wei took special care to always, always watch. She never regretted her child, no. Occasionally, she wished she had never met Huai's father, but...well, she couldn't remember much about him, other than the kind golden eyes (false kindness?) that had taken her in so completely during the Siege. She didn't think about him very much. It was too painful--and dangerous. Above and beyond the dangers in thinking about the War That Was No War, her own father had... Well, he hadn't been pleased. She didn't remember the argument, but her uncle wouldn't have brought her to the Lower Ring midwife who had cared for her during her pregnancy if she hadn't needed to hide. Despite all of her vigilance, it was her own heart that skipped a beat when the moonlight filtering in through her window turned an eerie, dull red. She gasped and clutched her daughter a little tighter, praying that Huai would sleep until this went away, so it wouldn't frighten her. That is, assuming it would go away. She shivered and shifted Huai so the little girl was facing away from the window and watched in horror as the bloody moon failed to return to normal. "Please..." she whispered. "Please be normal when she wakes..." As if in response to her desperate pleading, the moon flared silver again after a half hour. But she barely had a moment to relax before it winked out completely. An Wei jumped and stifled a scream. "Don't be afraid of the dark, this'll light your way home." She jumped again. There was no one here in the room with her and Huai, but she could have sworn... The moon blinked back into existence and a pretty girl with long white hair rode in on one of its beams. An Wei stared up at her, still frightened, pulling her daughter away from the girl as best she could. The moon-girl bent down and kissed An Wei's forehead. "Remember now," she murmured, then faded out of sight. ** "Don't be afraid of the dark." He smiles and makes a little light in his palm, carefully transferring it to a bundle of sticks. "This will light your way home." ** She studies the hairpiece he wears in his topknot, turning it over and over in her hands. "There's something you should know about me, too. About my family." ** "We can make this work, Itsu." He's determined, hopeful, his golden eyes shining. "We'll talk to my father. He'll understand. We'll make it work. Meet me here, at the usual time." "I trust you." ** She waits and waits and waits, until long past dark, but he doesn't come. ** She hates speaking with her guardian, but she's scared and has nowhere else to go. "Please, help me," she finishes quietly. He nods. "I'll keep you safe, Highness. You and your child. I promise." ** The light spins around and around and around, and she forgets her name, forgets her lover, and in her place is An Wei, a young woman trained as a scribe, seduced by a nameless Fire soldier, rather than... ** Itsu let out a little sobbing breath. Huai shifted in her arms. "Mommy?" she whispered, still half-asleep. "It's okay, baby, everything's okay. Go back to sleep." "'Kay." Huai closed her golden eyes again and her breathing evened out as much as it ever did. Itsu held her daughter close. Twice over a princess, at the worst possible time, born with a broken heart. No wonder Long Feng hid us so deep.

[to clarify--Itsu is Kuei’s sister. I forget how I set the relative ages, but assuming, as seems to be the case in flashbacks, that Lu Ten is about 10 years older than Zuko, he’d be somewhere between twenty and twenty-two when he died, depending on which date you believe; Kuei is around the same age (possibly a year or two younger?) and Itsu within two years of them.]

#shadowsong26fic #shadowsong writes star wars #shadowsong writes atla #feedback greatly appreciated #miscellania

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unrestedjade · 4 years

Note

fic writing meme: 1, 12, 17, 18, 21

Oh dang, that’s a lot! Think I’ll put this behind a cut to spare everyone’s dash.

1. The first fandom I wrote and posted for was Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. But! Somewhere in a landfill is a notebook with a very overwrought Animorphs fic about Ax falling in love with my very cool, original-character-donut-steel alien bat-centaur who can tell the future. Every day I thank the universe for not letting my family have internet access until I was 14. Actually, maybe the universe should have held out longer, but you can peep the cringe for yourself over here: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/173909/Fortuna

Yes, that is my old ff.net profile. My only regret is that I didn’t get a chance to back up my ask fics before the site suddenly decided to make a rule banning them and deleted them all. (Me, still salty over that 15 years later? Why, yes actually.)

12. A trope I haven’t tried yet but really want to? It’s hard to narrow it down; there’s a lot of “cliche” fanfic tropes I never let myself write that I want to indulge in this year. I’m thinking about finding one of those bingo cards to use or something. But since I grew up sneaking my mom’s romance novels, I think an arranged marriage would be fun to try if I have to pick just one.

17. The fic I’m most proud of should come as no surprise, lol. I still can’t believe I finished something as long and plotty as finaglc. Would love to manage it again someday. :’)

18. Line/scene dvd commentary: okay okay okay! So there’s this more-or-less abandoned DaphGan Legend of Zelda fic I was writing back in the day, that was just a loose serious of vignettes in chronological order. I had ideas for like 20 chapters and fizzled out because it turns out only about three people on the whole earth give a shit about DaphGan and I can’t write in a complete void of feedback. Anyway, I researched medieval boar hunting techniques because I desperately wanted an action scene culminating in a ~bad omen~ and here it is, so scroll by if you just want to see the last question in the batch:

Within minutes, they were deep enough that the forest canopy closed above them, far above Ganondorf’s head. In the cool and the dim, and with the rustling of leaves in the breeze overhead sounding almost like waves, Ganondorf felt as though he were at the bottom of a great, ancient lake. Mist lay in a thick blanket on the ground as high as the smaller horses’ barrels, and a carpet of dead leaves and needles deadened the sounds of their movement. The hunters had fallen silent. About that, he had no complaints.

(I recall being inordinately fond of the underwater imagery, because I’d been struggling for how to conceptualize a thick forest for a person who’s spent most of his life in the open desert.)

Save for ferns and scattered herbs, there was little in the way of troublesome plants or low branches beyond the border of the forest, and Ganondorf realized that King Daphnes’ suggestion the day before had, in truth, been polite censure of his clothing rather than any practical concern. He frowned, and put the thought aside. It did not matter.

(I was not at all subtle about the Hylians picking at the Gerudo envoy’s appearances, which I think I could handle a little better now, but alas...)

He thought instead on the many sounds surrounding them, his ears straining to hear every one. There was birdsong, in patterns and notes he had never heard. Small creatures rustled in the trees. Water gurgled somewhere out of view. The woods were full of life in every direction, and Ganondorf quietly marvelled at its richness.

All of this, for the sport of one family?

(This piece of writing is old enough that I was still using the now-defunct “two spaces after a period” rule, wow. Also, hello there, years-old misspelling. :/)

They kept to a walking pace for an hour or two, hushed but alert. The dogs picked up a scent, the party wheeling around to follow after them. Ganondorf rode alongside King Daphnes. The man’s eyes were alight as he looked down the deer trail ahead of the dogs; a small smile of anticipation grew on his face. "They have something, eh?” he said, in a whisper. “What did I tell you!”

The lead dog threw its head back, baying. It launched itself forward and the rest of the pack followed suit, tails held high like flags.

An enormous boar, all sinewy muscle and bristled hide, burst from a nearby thicket and was driven ahead of them.

“Aha!" The king spurred his horse to a gallop, the rest of the party just behind. Ganondorf quickly found himself bringing up the rear.

The stallion seemed to find this as unacceptable as he did, for without his urging it picked up speed, long strides eating up the ground until the pair were level with the king once more.

(This bit started with the rest of the hunting party giving G-dawg mad shit for insisting on riding his stallion instead of a more appropriate horse, so I had to vindicate him, of course.)

Ganondorf’s eyes were now fixed on the boar. He crouched low over the stallion’s neck, free hand fisted in the tangles of its mane. They pulled ahead to run with the dogs, until even the dogs were falling behind them.

"Stay with it!" The king’s bellow carried over the thunder of the stallion’s hooves. "Keep running it!”

They ran. The boar was fast and nimble, leading a chase through dense copses and over fast-flowing streams. The world fell away until all that remained was the path they weaved through the trees, the rolling strength of the horse beneath him, the forest rushing by in a blur of green and loamy brown, and the boar.

Ganondorf laughed like a child, his heart light for first time since he’d come to this impossibly green land.

The chase ended when the boar made to leap over a fallen log and could not clear it, tumbling end over end. The beast scrambled to its hooves, brandishing its long tusks. It had reached the point of exhaustion, steam rising from its hide, muscles quivering with exertion. It could run no longer.

Ganondorf held it at bay, keeping the point of his spear trained on it. He did not wish to incite it to charge and risk his horse. He simply looked at it, watching the boar watch him with wide, red eyes. Foam gathered at its mouth, and he wondered whether it would die where it stood, if its heart had burst in its chest.

The baying of the dogs was not far off. The hunters were closing in.

(Still a little puffed up over the juxtaposition of hunting being legitimately thrilling but cruel. Catch my bro getting swept up in the excitement.)

“Excellent work!" Daphnes was at the head of the party, as he had been to start. "Oh, well done, man!”

As the dogs circled, barking and snapping, the boar stood its ground, head lowered. It made a few feints at the dogs foolish enough to attack, but as the hunters closed in it had less and less room to manoeuvre. Ganondorf could see it rallying for a final effort, weariness flowing into terror and rage.

It roared, lunging, scattering the dogs. Blood streaked its tusks. A horse reared when its leg was cut by sharp hooves. For a moment, it looked to Ganondorf as though it might break away again and escape.

In one practiced motion, Daphnes leapt from his horse and sunk his spear deep into the boar’s side.

Ganondorf’s racing heart froze. Pain keener than any he had ever felt lanced through him, choking him on a silent cry. He clutched at his chest, groping for the spear-head that wasn’t there. His own spear fell from numb fingers to the forest floor. Terror and agony, all-encompassing, swept over him in a crushing wave.

None of the other hunters noticed his distress. All eyes were locked on their king’s struggle with the beast. The boar screamed, running against the spear as if it would happily run the length of it to reach Daphnes with its final breath. The cross-tree of the spear and the strength of the man wielding it kept the boar’s tusks far from its target, however, and for every drop of blood that spilled from its side a portion of its strength bled away with it.

After what felt far too long, the boar collapsed. It’s screams had faded to rattling breaths, and when Daphnes stepped forward, knife drawn, it did not resist.

It was on Ganondorf that its red eyes rested when its throat was cut, in some mute accusation or seeking solace, he could not say. The pain in his chest receded when the final gout of blood ran out onto the dark earth. By the time Daphnes stood from his task, wiping his hands and blade clean on a rag, Ganondorf might have believed that the pain had been a trick of his imagination.

(This thing with the dead boar was meant to keep coming up in small ways throughout the rest of the vignettes as a harbinger of G-dawg’s ultimate failure and doom along with being an illustration of how he twists and suppresses himself for the sake of pleasing Daphnes, but of course it’ll probably never happen now since I’m five years out. I really did like this idea, though, and this scene was super fun to write. Except for now I’ve noticed another old typo. T_T)

21. The fic that got away? Lots; I actually have a horrible track record for finishing long fics. The one I’m most bummed out by, that I still think of from time to time, was actually a fill for the old Transformers Anonymous Kink Meme on LJ. It was Animated-verse pre-war Ratchet/Ultra Magnus with a detour into Ratchet/Megatron. I was about two thirds of the way done when something happened in the community that I can’t recall anymore derailed me, and I never ended up finishing it. Sometimes I think about scraping it off the meme to at least archive what I had done on Ao3 or something, but I probably won’t lol. It would take forever to track it down since this was back in like, 2012.

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