#i have Evolved into a more true form of myself

[non-un-topo]

Currently laughing because by the time the strike ends at my school, I'll come back with glasses and T voice

[drdemonprince]

I was never really certain about my transition in the way that most gatekeeping hormone prescribers and curious members of the public demand that a trans person be. I didn’t “always know” that I was not cisgender. I haven’t “always known” anything about myself. Very few truths about me have always remained true, my existence is too interpersonal, contextual, and ever-evolving for all of that. (So is most everyone else’s, I think). I don’t think that the fact I’d eventually choose to exercise my body autonomy at age 30 by taking hormones is a decision I could have foreseen when I was a child. All that I knew about being transgender when I was a kid was a fact that most children intuitively know: gender assignment was a violation of my freedom, of everyone’s freedom in fact, and it was wrong. As an infant and then a child and teenager, people kept imposing labels on me; they kept forcing me and my body into prescribed gendered boxes, and while the specific labels and boxes never really felt like the right ones, the most disturbing part about it all was the forcing. No coerced identity would have ever felt right. Children can tell when secrets are being kept from them, and when adults are restricting their choices. They notice that they and the other children are being lined up boy-girl, boy-girl, without ever being told what a girl or a boy even is. They can see their parents frowning when they reach for the doll with the shimmery hair, or climb atop the neighbor kid on the playground. Kids know that they are forbidden from sitting with their legs spread wide or flicking their wrist, and their gender illegibility is shamed in them, long before they get any answers about what gender means or where it comes from or why it’s so important that they make themselves easy to understand.

Like the cloned children in Never Let Me Go who grow up being conditioned for a life of forced organ donation, children in a cissexist society grow up conditioned to fall within certain gendered boundary lines, and by the time they learn that the reason for this is almost completely arbitrary, they can’t imagine any alternative. Not until some of them hear about gender transition and find the prospect very compelling, for some reason. You can say that reason is because some of us are inherently trans, but there’s absolutely nothing in the way of brain science, genetics research, or even sociological data to back that up. Besides, the search for a biological “reason” that people are transgender or queer runs counter to the goal of queer liberation in the long run. Science only needs to explain the existence of transgender people (or queer people more broadly) if our existence is in some way aberrant or a problem. If queerness is accepted as a form of human diversity that simply exists, then there is no need to excuse it by claiming that it is never a choice. It can be a choice, if a person wants to make it, and hopefully it satisfies them, but maybe it won’t. Freedom to choose means freedom to forever be dissatisfied, to search endlessly for more, and yes, to capable of making a mistake. I would say that viewing myself as transgender was a choice. I decided to break away from the straight, female categories to which I had been assigned, and doing so allowed me to view the legal and societal power structures that had restricted me more clearly. It helped me better understand myself. But that does not mean the actual act of breaking away was always the truest reflection of who I am. The version of me that transitioned was a person on the run — and how a person behaves, thinks, and self-conceives when they are fleeing is not a great reflection of whom they might be if they were safe. If we all lived in a world free from mandatory gender assignment, and where our bodies were not mined for meaning about the kinds of sex we liked, the clothing we should wear, the personality qualities we have, the roles we should play in society, and the connections we are allowed to form with others, who knows who each of us might be. But none of us get to live in that world, or ever gets completely free from the frameworks of heterosexuality and the gender binary. These frameworks shape every legal institution we encounter, every school we attend, every item of clothing we put on, every substance we take into our bodies, every piece of paperwork that ever gets printed about us, and every look another person ever gives us. And so we make due with rewriting and recombining those frameworks as best we can. It should come as no surprise that those us who break away from the binary have to experiment and revise how we understand ourselves quite a bit — sometimes getting things “wrong,” sometimes searching forever for the semblance of something “right.” Sometimes reveling in the “wrongness” of all the available options is kind of the point.

I wrote about my detransition, retransition, and the eternal dissatisfaction that is probably the corest truth of my identity. It's free to read or have narrated to you on my Substack.

[crazilust]

Analyzing celebrities’ fashion according to their venus signs (pt.1)

I believe you can tell alot about someone just by looking at the clothes they've choose to wear. Let's analyze different celebrities' fashion and their venus sign (as well as the degree they're in) and give you some advice on how you can incorporate it in your own fashion style.

Aries venus

Audrey Hepburn

Even though we associate Aries venus with a very flamboyant style (and trust me, they can be and most of them are), I found important to put Audrey Hepburn as an example of someone who’s mastered the minimal, elegant fashion. Aries are very determinate and passionate individuals and once they have their eyes set on something, they’ll achieve it at all cost. I found it relevant in Hepburn’s style, because to me she achieved the quintessential minimalist fashion. She was able to balance being minimal while not being boring and basic, while staying true to herself. I think that’s one of the main strength of Aries venuses. They have to stay true to themselves, and when they do, they’re able to master their own fashion sense.

Also interesting to note that her venus is in a capricorn degree, which could also explain the more minimalist route.

Lady Gaga

On the other side of the spectrum, we’ve got Lady Gaga who also represents Aries venus perfectly. Her ability to tell a story with her clothes has become something we know and associate her for. Again, even if it’s completely different to Hepburn’s, you can still very much see Gaga’s need to be authentic to herself. Her style is a bit more tone down (see picture on the top right), but it’s still close to who she is as a person. It just evolved. Her willingness to be weird and over the top despite the constant misunderstanding of others and nagging, demands a lot of bravery and if that's not an Aries venus in a nutshell, I don't know what it is.

Her venus is in a Piscean degree (24), which could explain her intrinsic desire to use fashion as an art form and always push its boundaries.

Final take

If I were an Aries venus, I would take a long time reflecting on what I truly like, what type of person I am and how I want to be seen before buying anything. I would forget the trends and start investing in personal development in order to see how I could translate that into my clothes. Am I more a lowkey, mysterious kind of person? Flamboyant and over the top? The moment I’d be able to choose at least three words to describe me, I’d start building my closet around them and remind myself that I can go to extremes if I damn wanted to.

Taurus venus

Princess Diana

As a fellow Taurus venus, I’d be lying if I said that Princess Diana is not one of my main inspiration. To me, she represents perfectly what Taurus venus is all about. Simplicity, elegance and effortlessness. There’s a simplicity here, an ease that is very admirable from Princess Diana. It’s almost like she just threw this on but looks phenomenal as a result. It’s polished, but not forced at all and that’s where Taurus’ strength lies. Making it look easy. I also added her biker short outfit to represents Taurus’ need for comfort, but why not make it look cute? Also monochromatic looks to add that touch of put togetherness.

With her venus in 24 degrees (Pisces), we notice her tendency to break the mold and transcend beyond people's expectations. With today's eyes, it doesn't seem that groundbreaking, but at the time, and especially for a Royal, it was cra-zy (also the first one to be known for her fashion!)

Prince

What I wanted to focus on by putting Prince is his sensuality that I feel is overlooked alot when we talk about Taurus Venus. Or it's taken for granted almost. They have this little je-ne-sais-quoi that is so attractive and again, so effortless. Prince mastered this aspect so much and I find it very interesting. His clothes were a direct translation of how he felt about himself. Showing a little skin there, some see-through blouse here. Nothing extremely vulgar, but you get the message. I also wanted to put him there because whenever we think of Taurus venus celebrities, we always reference the most stereotypical ones like Ariana Grande and Lana del Rey. They most obviously embody the Venusian energy, but if you don't like this aesthetic, you can definitely be a little bit more out there just like Prince did.

With his venus in 7 degree, being a Libra degree, Prince was doubling down on his venusian energy, amping up the charm and sensuality while still being seen as charming.

Final take

What I would do (and should start to do actually) as a Taurus venus is focus on the quality of the clothes I put on my body, no matter the aesthetic or fashion choices. At the end of the day, Taurus look fabulous and effortlessly glam, but in order to enhance this trait, it's going to be important to invest in quality pieces in order to emanate this energy. I understand that not everybody wants to invest in clothes, but there's many ways you can do this without breaking the bank : thrift stores, depop, vinted (it might just take longer). Some signs can get away with cheap clothes, distressed clothing, but as Taurus venus, it definetely looks messy and not necessarily in a cute, grunge way lol.

Gemini venus

Margot Robbie

To my surprise, there's actually a lot of supermodels or sex icons/bombshells who possess a Gemini Venus. I say to my surprise, because I always see Geminis as kind of quirky, but it's true, they do embody the perfect balance of being hot but approachable (the twins archetype after all). It's like they can very well be the nerdy shy girl and the bombshell the next minute. I think you can actually see that in Margot Robbie's style where it's very Girl-Next-Door, but with an edge. The monochromatic pink look is to die for but switch the palette for a neutral look, platform for regular slippers and it's not as eye-catching. Without these two small details, you get a very basic look. I would've expected flamboyance, but from what I saw from these celebrities (ex: Kristen Bell, Sandra Bullock) is that they really embody the Model Off Duty vibes, where everything they put has a little edge to it while still appearing very approachable and mainstream. Which, when we think about it, is very reminiscent of Geminis.

Her Venus being in a Leo degree (8) could explain her tendency to want to be extra, lean more on the glamorous side and wear monochromatic colourful outfits

Megan Fox

Another route you could choose, as Megan Fox did, is to go push that Cool Girl fashion all the way and experiment fully with your closet, mixing and matching pieces with different textures and colours. Fox has always been known for her sex appeal and you can definitely see that in her fashion choices in the beginning of her career, but as of lately, she's been more avant-garde with her choices and honestly more fun. She definitely reminds me of the cool girls in my town walking around like they're just out of the fashion magazine, not giving a F about anything and you can't help but notice them.

Her venus is in 23 degrees, which is an Aquarius degree and could definitely explain her tendency to explore different styles and play with colours. Being very experimental.

Final take

What I would do if I were a Gemini Venus, is that I would learn my colours, my signature style and what goes best for my silhouette in order to put forward my best features. While this can be said for anyone, I think Gemini Venus is still very well thought out and in order to give that illusion of "I just got up", you're gonna have to know what makes you pop. As opposed to Taurus, for example, who can just rock an oversized hoodie and some boots and make it look elegant because that's what their energy gives off, Gemini is going to have to work a little bit harder. Experiment. Alot !

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That's it from me folks, I'll post part 2 containing Cancer, Leo and Virgo venus very soon :)

[thoughtsthatgounnoticed]

Can we please collectively cry about Colin’s speech to Penelope in Episode 8? 😭

It’s almost been a week of mourning since the end of Season 3 and I’m now at my final stage of grief - Acceptance. As emotions subside, some of us will be rewatching S3 and may have a change of heart. Despite the issues I had with S3 P2, I’ve realised there is so much to love about Polin in S3.

Every season Bridgerton delivers a swoon worthy love speech/confession, but Colin’s actually made me cry and had me reflecting on what type of love I want for myself not in my fantasies, but in real life.

It was tender, loving, and romantic. Borne out of his vulnerability and sincerity. I know many wanted the book confession, but this one suited Pen and Colin so well thematically. Colin, who up to this point, has had to grapple with the LW revelation and that means acknowledging feelings of betrayal while experiencing forms of jealously, self-reflection, and love, while letting go of his hero complex, speaks with so much adoration. It evokes a sort of passion that is gentle and quiet, but delivered with unquestionable conviction and belief.

It’s more realistic than dramatic, more grounded than grandiose. He speaks with such reverence and humility to the person he loves - a true moment of softness and calmness, not of anger or desperation. I only wish the show allowed us to be more privy to his thoughts or private character moments, because the realisation of his feelings that is now reflected in his words would have been beautiful to see.

He even says that IF he was to only live with the sole purpose of loving Penelope he would be fulfilled. It’s of course hyperbolic, because we know he has purpose and passions outside of his love story whether that be in his writings or travels, but it paints an incredible image of immeasurable deep devotion. Kind of like when you say you love someone as deeply as the UNIVERSE, or that you will meet and love them in EVERY lifetime. Or even on the other end of the spectrum, when you say you will never love this person even if they were the LAST person on earth! It’s a figure of speech that is limitless.

I also love the simplicity of Penelope’s response. To praise someone for something as pure and as simple as their goodness is so beautiful. Penelope, who has always been moved by Colin’s gentle goodness and kindness to her despite feeling unseen by society, is clearly touched. By letting go of his ego and hero complex he becomes a true hero to Penelope - a GOOD man that proudly stands beside the woman he loves. They could have used any other expression, but she chooses to value the goodness in him. It’s an interesting word choice!

I’ve seen some people think his speech is all about Pen and that devalues his importance or puts him beneath her. I disagree. Despite his insecurities, Colin (a rich man from a loving family) will always have an opportunity to find himself and his purpose, to travel, and to have a voice in society. In a society where men are privileged, Colin uplifts her to be his equal. He says he stands beside her, not behind her.

It’s just so endearing and I’ll be looking forward to seeing all the reflections people have once we take a breather. To be lucky in this fandom is to have seen your favourite couple grow and evolve across the span of 3 seasons - even if it’s not perfect, and with their appearance in S4 confirmed, we’ll get to see more of them - no matter the capacity in which they’ll return.

[whoyacallinyellow]

Could you do an alternative version of borrowed time but it's a happy ending? Like they meet again maybe a couple of months or years later and idk it's super fluffy (idk I loved ur Javier fic it made me cry so hard)

Borrowed Time II (.5)

Javier Escuella x F! reader

Spoilers: RDR1-2 events Content: 18+ mdni, high honor Javier, fluff, loyalty, canon typical events & violence, possible spelling mistakes, some google translated Spanish, (slight angst? sry couldn't help myself) Type: second pov (wc - 3195) / pc: my PS5 a/n: here's my mediocre yapping, anon! I believe someone suggested this to me before, so here we are :) (btw I took some writing inspo from my spotify playlist.)

Summary: Javier is left with nothing after the gang's demise. Enticed with returning to Mexico, he finds redemption within his loyalty to you.   

After being chased out of Beaver Hollow by the law, Javier found himself alone with Williamson. Somewhere in the sticks of northern Ambarino, where the risk of a grizzly finding them was higher than any lawman. 

Laying low and listening to Bill squaller on about Dutch for a month was about all he could stomach, Javier reckoned he liked Bill a lot more when he didn’t talk. 

As each day came to a close, one could guess where Javier’s mind wandered too. His bitter thoughts permeated on losing everything. Money, the gang, and you— Hell, the man didn’t know what to do with himself, considering you an extension of himself at this point. 

Where were you? Did you make it out okay? Were you hurt?

These were a couple of the many questions that swam in the sea of Javier’s head. 

“Are you still thinkin’ ‘bout that woman?” 

Bill’s words of disgust were often displaced through his racing thoughts, but he wouldn’t be wrong. You were all Javier had upon entering these foreign lands, now he possessed nothing but the rocks in his boots. 

The days would merge and turn into weeks, it didn’t take long for the plan of fleeing south to form in Bill’s lackluster head. Keen on the protection Javier could potentially bargain in Nuevo Paraiso. 

Javier knew he was a dead man returning south, under no circumstances was that a can of worms he wanted to open with—Bill Williamson, out of all folk. 

Besides, there was no man’s bidding Javier would consider doing to get the leverage Bill desired. But Bill’s ideas soon evolved into frustrated persuasion. 

“How do’ya know that woman wasn’t the rat, anyhow?”

Bill would rant about you, the delusions Dutch fed him would resurface, but soon be swallowed back down with the same loyalty Javier once held so close.

“My chica wouldn’t, I’m telling you, cabrón. She’d save your neck just as much mine.”

Perhaps not completely true, Javier’s apathetic statements held no power over Bill, but at least it stopped his ear from being chewed off. 

For all Bill was concerned, you were a coward just as much as the rest who left. Especially for plaguing Javier’s mind. 

Bill would resort to not just questioning your loyalty to the gang, but your loyalty to Javier all together. The bold claims would make Javier think back to Clemons Point. 

After a particularly nasty fight with Dutch, Molly sat on a nearby log as he sharpened his knife. He never knew what to say in situations like that, it was probably best he stayed out of it. 

“The way she looks at you…”

The timid words escaped her. Realizing there was no one else around she could have been talking too, he met her stricken gaze which glistened off the moonlight. 

“Huh?” 

He wondered, caught off guard by the illusive topic. Molly wiped her rosy cheeks before she tenderly spoke. 

“I wish I could look at Dutch the same.” 

Javier just stared at the tear-stained woman in pity, unsure what to make of her unanticipated words. 

That night's shift would give him plenty of time to think about it. Before eventually settling on giving you some extra attention. If it wasn’t obvious enough, he soon learnt that what you two shared was irreplaceable. 

There was no doubt to Javier that you loved him, every lead he went on, you’d listen for the horses. Ready to greet him by his hitching post for a kiss, or with small talk that was exclusive to you both.  

Javier would often get teased for the love you shared, perhaps some of it branched into jealousy. Not that he minded, the others knew you were off limits. 

So it was safe to say that Bill’s claims was one thing Javier didn’t take lightly. With curses spat, and threats thrown, Bill had no other choice but to eat his words. 

“Me ‘nd her go way further back than you and I.” 

Javier’s irate words would soon remind Bill where he stood— below you. 

That was Bill Williamson’s final straw for him to realize their parting was long overdue. 

“If you wasn’t a fool, you’d be comin’ with.”

Was the last thing he spat to Javier one cloudy morning, bedroll and guns thrown on his unkempt steed. 

You won't be seeing me again. 

Javier thought in vain. Watching Bill’s departure in silence, just as he watched yours— except their time was up. 

A cruel nightly cycle would leave Javier somewhere beneath the stars. The same night sky you’d lay him down gently in; he wondered if you were looking up at them too— or maybe you don’t think of him much anymore, just to get by. 

Dozing off provided no sort of relief, the same thoughts that ate him alive during the day showed no mercy for a night's rest. 

The dreams began after Guarma, and have stuck since. Most nights he would wake up confused, drenched in sweat, and frantically reaching for his gun belt only worn hours prior. 

Your sweet voice would unknowingly soothe his hurt, all while he dismissed your attempts of rebuilding the bond you once shared. Javier regrets the distance, but he’s not sure if he would ever be ready to talk about Guarma. 

Nonetheless, the terrible dreams always persisted, but managed to worsen after you left. They were so convoluted, Javier wasn’t sure which was a worse way to die; a watery grave, or succumbing to torture in a cage. 

Other nights, Javier would dream about the day he returned to you at Beaver Hollow, god only knew how long they were gone for. 

It was a rather gloomy day, at the end of the camp path was where he found you by your lonesome, as if you’ve been waiting for any sign of the missing men. Javier had seen better days, unshaven, wounded leg, and tattered garments that barely resembled the botched heist clothing he once wore. Javier approached you with a conflicted feeling of dread and relief, unsure of what to expect of you. But to the man’s horror, you crumbled before him. 

You were just as much of a mess as he was. A terrible feeling arose from within his ribcage and drifted up, he momentarily thought he was going to black out from the knot building in his throat. An unmanageable feeling in his legs had already begun to brew throughout the day, vibrating and distorting his ears, blocking out your sobs he created. A near breaking point was threatening to consume him— he didn’t even know what day it was, how could he not know?  

“You stupid bastard,” 

Fallen at his feet, he cradled you soon after his initial shock dissipated. 

“I know, I’m here now.” 

Javier could barely recognize the hoarseness of his own voice, the words felt foreign to say after being gone for so long. Hopelessness overflowed from within him, and seeped into your frame that he held. All he could do was shield you from the cruel world he created for you both on that barren dirt path. 

Your frantic pleas to leave would go unacknowledged, only to be substituted with soft hushes that were swept away in the trees. He couldn’t have just left, he had already sacrificed too much to quit now. Javier always swore Dutch would change your lives for the better. 

—

In the recent nights of Macfarlane’s Ranch, life was still. 

Javier’s dreams would evolve into a vessel of his old possession. Through bittersweet nostalgia, a buck would galavant by a stream, only to eventually stop and stand in triumph before fleeing into the distance. Those dreams offered Javier both temporary comfort and the humbling desolate nights he needed to return to you. 

While staring off into the plains, Bill’s idea would occasionally infatuate him. The uncut ties of Mexico were beckoning, it was only a day's worth of digging in. Javier wasn’t sure he was built out for the vaquero life anymore, but those old chains around his feet would pull him back down. 

Javier would eventually decide he wouldn’t watch the west die out, with false hopes of one last score followed by a life of freedom— he figured he already lost what made life rich. 

At the ranch, Javier would chat up the yokels, describing you to the best of his abilities. Which usually stumped him— you... well, you were just you. He’s never been apart from you to have to worry about your description— Javier was always there. 

Days passed without trace of you, it was probably best he left before the law caught wind of his excessive presence. 

It was hopeless, yet he prayed on the North wind that it would him to you. 

You could run the fool around in circles looking for your whereabouts. Hell, you could be in Timbuktu by now. Just like the day you left, the same hopelessness would creep upon Javier in those rare moments of disparity. 

Those moments would eat him from the inside out, that discomforting pit forming in his stomach was always enough to empty it on the ground. 

—

The aimless paths of New Austin was a place where the souls of saddle tramps go. 

Into the horizon of the blazing sun was where you sat, under the only tree seen in miles. Your shire grazed in between you and the lonely road, like a black flag it stood in the orange dirt. Not even it could escape the mourning which life embraced.  

You are not sure how much time passed you there, perched up under the tree, you’d watch the road. Studying the little silhouettes of cowpokes slowly growing as they approached periodically, all you thought of was Javier.  Hope overturned your grudge until they were near. 

Some of these men would simply tip their hat as they passed, others would offer you a ride to town, and a few just stared at you; their forlorn eyes scratched at the walls of your soul. As if they were trying to tell you something. 

Just as unfortunate as yourself, the nameless victims would soon be swallowed and spit back out by the blazing desert that awaited them. 

It wasn’t until a clear morning for Javier to stumble upon that fork in the road, leading to the tree where you sat; seeking the same retreat you did days ago. 

Sickeningly poetic; with no such weight on your shoulders, you seemed to have found the freedom Javier had been chasing all these years. Right front of him this entire time in the devoid lands of New Austin.

Usually well groomed, the man showed a five o'clock shadow, earning a more rugged demeanor his months away from the luxuries of camp. 

Lost puppy-dog eyes stared your way, being shielded by his bowler cap. The hair you used to run your fingers through was neatly tied back, and draping over his poncho. 

“Javier,” 

You greeted solemnly, your tranquil gaze greeting the man from where you sat. The thumping began in his ears as he staggered off Boaz, stiffly trying to shake the sudden feeling that your voice gave him. 

“hola amor.” 

He uttered awkwardly, approaching your newfound paradise underneath the old shady tree. 

“I reckoned you’d be in Tahiti by now.” 

You remarked bitterly, eyeing your lover from under the brim of your hat. He gripped the front of his gun belt, knuckles turning white and misshapen after all the years of abuse, the same hands that would be placed around your hips as he guided you through a busy town. 

Javier let out a rueful huff as he shifted his weight from foot to foot. It flustered him to be antagonized in such a low moment of his life, especially by you. 

But he simply did not possess the words and feelings begging to be shared with you— there were just too many. 

Expecting you to continue, there was a deafening silence. 

It was more than just the silence that plagued these western lands, but a sadness that often followed Javier everywhere he roamed, you could see it in his smile. 

The lands gave Javier a place to duck under his doubts and troubles for a time, like a buck stuck beneath the bottom wire. 

“It’s over,”

Javier’s voice came out as a whisper, thumb and finger caressing over the stubble on his chin. 

A conclusion which needed no further words, you understood. 

He never imagined it not meaning anything, but yet his brothers were reduced to the barrel he pointed. 

Small shines of orange bathed through the wilting leaves which provided your gracious shade. As you contemplated his words, a soft breeze accompanied the both of you. 

Finally arising to meet his frame, he towered over you slightly— lost along the way but finally found, 

you were no longer his partner in crime, nor a part of the Van der Linde gang— but just his chica he met all those years ago in Old Mexico, before the world was big.  

Javier knew he couldn’t make up for your lost time together, but for now, being with you would do. 

Without a word his arms wrapped around you and trailed down to the small of your back, the smell of rolled tobacco leeched off his poncho, a smell you’ve grown fond of over the years. As his cheek rested on the crown of your head, a different kind of silence was shared. 

“Oh Javi,” 

Your voice now both sorrowful and tender, it was impossible to hold a grudge against the warm honeypot eyes that yearned for you. 

“lo sé,” 

Javier murmured softly, giving into the relief that a calmer life brought. 

Behind where you rested revealed a testament the tree possessed. A bald spot in the maple-colored wood had bark torn away, faded letters with sap-filled groves were carved by previous visitors of the solitude tree: 

‘blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy’

Javier united your lips with a long awaited kiss, your cheeks softly being caressed by his thumbs. To him, it was like falling for you all over again. But this time, he wanted to do everything right. 

“Figured the law got you.” 

You mumbled one of your many worries after the man pulled away. Javier scrunched up his nose, cringing at your doubts. 

“Course not, nunca.” 

Eventually bidding your farewell to the tree, you joined Javier at Boaz’s saddlebags for what seemed to be a celebratory smoke. 

“They were hangin’ around that ranch, it’s not safe.”

You proclaimed, even the west had reminded you that a quiet cabin life was unrealistic. He hummed against the tobacco in between his lips, considering your words. 

“Where does that leave us?” 

Javier asked through an exhale. His sharp eyes squinted under the sun, staring at you in devotion. 

For the first time in a year, you made that choice together. 

With possessions on your shire and the both of you on Boaz, was where Javier liked you best. Feeling your heartbeat on his back always reminded him of Mexico, yet you were his home.

While riding, your hands would instinctively grasp Javier’s gun belt. Marking both the leather and his heart throughout the years you spent together. 

Later that day Javier’s buck would graze upon the open fields you crossed, only to scamper off once your horses made way. Its coat bright and shining off the sinking sun, he swore it’s the biggest one he’s ever seen. 

Expecting a comment, Javier thought maybe you dozed off, or perhaps he accidentally sipped his flask instead of his canteen. 

Aways up north yielded reassurance and prosperity, the man decided that tonight he would sleep instead of keeping watch, an unusual gesture he knew you both needed. 

Far away from the lands you once both resided, a comfortable wilderness separated you and any dangers— Maybe tomorrow night he would keep watch, but tonight, he just needed you. 

Javier’s shaking hands prepped a small flame, and smoothed out the creases of your bedroll that night. The same hands that would work a revolver effortlessly, and confidently beat in the faces of men in a moment's notice. 

but for you? they trembled. 

Fingers that had been busted more times than you could count were now fumbling through every button of your shirt, leaving a trail of his lips where his hands once touched. 

Nonetheless satisfied with these tasks, the crinkles beside his eyes would reflect off the flame as he flashed you a content smile. 

The fire crackled within your cozy makeshift camp, its orange flame lighting up Javier’s torso just enough to highlight the tones and scars on his chest. 

Javier was used to catching you staring, never failing to tease you about it. A mere husky chuckle and verbal warning would remind you of his diminutive willpower when it came to you.  

Joining you beneath the blankets, his body radiated with the warmth you craved. With a protective arm easing you towards him, your skin colliding with his was enough to wash all his hardships away. 

Your lips ghosted down his neck, causing a loose sigh to escape his lips. Javier cooed words of endearment, unsure if he deserved your regained affection. 

You felt him tense around you as your lips traveled down to his adam’s apple and the large horizontal scar that covered it. 

“lo siento,”

He muttered softly, finally getting the long awaited words out— It was for a lot of things, that scar was just one of them. 

His breath hitched and ran down your bare skin, your torso being consumed by his restless large hands. Only you reminded Javier of his scars, usually in a way of gratification, having earned them throughout your time together. 

But that healed slit along his throat brought the man waves of embarrassment, Javier was thankful for your love nonetheless, and you for his loyalty. 

With belated love and words begging to be said, Javier knew his lips had a lot of catching up to do. But tonight you both needed rest. 

As if it was tradition, he ensured you found your peace first, maybe it solaced the man knowing you were safe within his arms. 

Gusts of winds whistled through the trees, causing them to sing a song made just for the two of you. His coarse hands ran down your sides before settling at your waist, once again basking in what he could have lost. 

Up yonder was where the starry night sky shined just for him to see you. The constellations washed away his most honorable sins, and extended the borrowed time you both had been lent years ago. 

The blanket you shared was pulled over your shoulder, ensuring your undisturbed rest. Javier’s gentle lips ghosted over your cheek for just one more kiss goodnight. 

You were long asleep, closely tucked within the arms of the man you called home. Yearning to chase the relief your shared nights provided, Javier’s eyes grew heavy. Through a gentle state of somnolent, his prideful buck accompanied him in the meadow it frolicked. 

Whispered words slipped into the night and greeted his slumber. 

“te amo.” 

~

[eatmangoesnekkid]

I have a mostly heterosexual readership but my number of queer readers are growing exponentially by the week. I am grateful for any human soul who adores the frequency I channel from and feel expanded in any capacity by my work.

I do not try to fit it with the heterosexual community because I am not a heterosexual person in my thinking, perceiving, or feeling. I do not care to fit in with the queer community either because I don't sense myself queer. The queer community is too wounded in oppression, locked into the mortal mind, and generally moves through the world too victimized for my taste and archetypal texture, not in full ownership of their divine power and light, which can also be said for the conscious black community. I have never felt aligned with the Western word "queer" as I feel more undefinable--which means-- indigenous and rootsy, a frequency where "sexuality" wasn't rigid and had a natural range, depth, spirit, and viscosity, a primordial mother so lighthearted and sensitive to subtle energy that she could make passionate love to the universe and repair her aching knee joints with the provisional light received. There is a great gift in not defining, boxing, or organizing every part of us into a system of language. Thank you, Mother Sobonfu Some, for courageously authoring range and clarity in your divine work.

I am merely who I am, and that person, that playful, creative, dancing, beautiful, womanly spirit in female form, a medicine woman and sensual Priestess, is enough.

I have lived in a 3rd lane for most of my life because I generally do not feel inferior to anyone or any system, which assisted me in unplugging the limiting programming and dogmatic thinking from my tissues and building more real grounded confidence in myself and my unique imprint without having a whole entourage around coddling me along the way. I didn't need to be part of the "feminist" crowd. The "witch" group. The LGBTQIA crowd. The conscious Black crowd. I participated in everything that I wanted to without any labels attached to my personhood. I was free. I still am.

The more anonymous you walk around, the brighter you shine.- Mother Caroline Myss

I care deeply about what's real--true love, the brightest expression of the power of God/creation running through our bodies, lives, and experiences.

I have dedicated myself to embodying love imperfectly. I am devoted to the chaotic and vulnerable journey of living full and plump and loving innocently. And it is a journey because all the programmings and conditioning baked into my mind, body, and psyche, and even the TV shows and movies I watched in my youth, have to come undone. And it can be chaotic because you are literally letting go of everything, shifting your perceptional field, changing frequencies, growing consciousness, growing new tissues, and evolving your mind. True chaos is the structure of the divine feminine. Surrender is key.

I also care about real nourishment and lubrication/hydration. And a range of intimacies and passions. And real human emotion. And authenticity. And relaxation, playfulness, and groundedness. And truthful, thoughtful, vulnerable relationships. And regeneration.

I am a Lover Archetype through and through.

I care about how to inspire people to love themselves (their cells) better and to love other people (and the cells of other people) better. And the only way to know love is to muster the courage to move through addictions, obsessions, shadows, and other blockages to love.

My desire to always be myself and not fit in if the harmony was not truly there has also been my superpower that has kept my body ripe life force energy, that juicy love, innocence, and aliveness. It has also kept my mind sharp and clear. I was never meant to fit in. And I am willing to bet that neither were you.

—

Trust the ones who don't try to fit in.

The ones who seek to evolve into new imprints.

The ones who weave the deep magic of full body sensual explorations into practical life.

The ones who come out from the limiting programming of ancestors and heal unseen kin. The ones who harness the courage required to live their best lives.

The ones who tread through the mud of race, class, sexuality, and gender and stack river rocks as offerings to nuanced femme Gods.

The ones who do not shrink in order to make other people feel comfortable.

The ones who descend into the underworld, slough through discomforts, and come back with otherworldly solutions and next step directions.

The ones who burn with flames so red hot that their mere presence, without words or the any need to profess, illuminates.

The ones who dare to dream so big that they appear brilliantly naïve and beautifully childlike.

The ones who know that their knowledge is only a fraction of the whole truth.

The magical ones with soft strength and deep vulnerability, heat and humility, love and compassion, and drive and kindness. See them. Welcome them. Honour them. And most importantly, recognize them in you.

None of us are not supposed to do this work alone. --India Ame'ye, Author

[thegambitgazette]

Know Thyself: How This One Exercise Shaped My Writing

“Know Thyself” Interpretations

Heraclitus: “It belongs to all men to know themselves and think well.”

Charles H. Kahn: this fragment echoes a traditional belief that “know thyself" had an essentially similar meaning to the second Delphic maxim, “nothing too much;” both sayings might be considered alternative ways of describing the virtue of sophrosyne.

Heraclitus defines sophrosyne as the art of “perceiving things according to their nature,” apparently referring to the perception of objective, material facts. If so, and if self-knowledge is the same as sophrosyne, then, as Kahn writes, “the deepest structure of the self will be recognized as co-extensive with the universe in general … so true self-knowledge will coincide with knowledge of the cosmic order.”

A fragment from Ion of Chios provides the earliest explicit reference to the maxim. It reads: “This ‘know yourself’ is a saying not so big, but such a task Zeus alone of the gods understands.”

“The unexamined life is not worth living” -Socrates

Soliloquies of Augustine: The book has the form of an “inner dialogue" in which questions are posed, discussions take place and answers are provided, leading to self-knowledge. The first book begins with an inner dialogue which seeks to know a soul. In the second book it becomes clear that the soul Augustine wants to get to know is his own.

The Consolation of Philosophy: Boethius writes The Consolation of Philosophy as a conversation between himself and a female personification of philosophy, referred to as “Lady Philosophy.” Philosophy consoles Boethius by discussing the transitory nature of wealth, fame, and power (“no man can ever truly be secure until he has been forsaken by Fortune"), and the ultimate superiority of things of the mind, which she calls the “one true good.” She contends that happiness comes from within, and that virtue is all that one truly has because it is not imperiled by the vicissitudes of fortune.

Meditations: Marcus Aurelius likely didn’t intend for Meditations to be published, as the work centered around his own self-analysis and self-guidance. Aurelius advocates finding one's place in the universe and sees that everything came from nature, and so everything shall return to it in due time. Another strong theme is of maintaining focus and to be without distraction all the while maintaining strong ethical principles such as “Being a good man.”

...to think that all of these classic works are “regular” people figuring themselves out. I decided to do the same.

Writing My Own “Soliloquy”

I’d like to clarify that I, in no way shape or form, see myself as this great thinker or philosopher or anything like that. I recognize that this practice is but one way to understand myself, especially since I struggle with mental health and a lot of spiritual questions (but that’s another topic).

In choosing to write my own soliloquy, I am becoming my own Devil’s Advocate. Like Boethius, I’ve decided to structure my journaling as if I am arguing with someone. I will choose a topic that I am passionate about or that I am having my own crisis over, such as “Why do I not believe I am a good person?” or “Why do I prefer logic over emotion?” or even “What draws me to classical paintings?”

What I found is that anything and everything that I am attached to says something about me on a deeper level.

Here is where it gets a little tricky: in continuing to argue with myself, I’ve found that I get better at coming up with counter points. In other words, this self-analysis becomes more and more complex the more used to it you get. It’s almost like you’re playing some mind chess and this fictional opponent, who is also you, as they are but your own Devil’s Advocate, is also getting better and learning with you.

But, to me, that is what makes this “Know Thyself” maxim important. You are not meant to have a full-fledged answer. We are constantly evolving and changing, as will our knowledge of how we perceive ourselves and how we perceive the world in response to it.

How It Affects My Writing

To start with the obvious, the character development and creation changes so much when you get to know yourself. At least, for me, the world becomes less and less black and white (not that it ever was black and white to begin with). Because of that, my characters become more dimensional.

I am no longer afraid to write controversy. There is a... debate, for a lack of better words, on the media literacy rate nowadays. Because of this, I would fear that, just because I wrote about it, people would assume that I am in support of it; or, for example, just because there is a mainstream focus on one demographic, that nuances of that focus cannot be written about (again, another topic).

However, writing my soliloquies reminds me that my work is meant to be a message from myself to the audience first and entertainment second.

As artists, authors, creators, etc., there is a danger in losing ourselves to appease the masses. There is the question of whether we should create what we want or stick to what is trending, and I’m not immune to that spiral, either.

In knowing yourself, you become your #1 advocate. You know what your boundaries are, what your morals are, and what your values are. It gets harder to allow those who don’t do that same work to sway your pen.

Closing Words

Whatever form that takes, get to know yourself. For me, that’s journaling whenever I can as if I’m debating with someone. Grab a journal meant specifically for this exercise and go crazy! No one’s going to read it (unless you become someone like Marcus Aurelius and your own version of Meditations comes out. In which case... sorry?)

Never stop challenging the way you think, too. It can be uncomfortable and hard, but change always is. Perhaps you will stick to your ideals, and that’s okay, too! Do not live life on the easy path.

As always, these exercises are not a substitute for professional or medical help. I will always encourage those who need it to seek therapy, as I believe it is a great tool to use alongside this exercise, should one feel inclined to do so.

[slavghoul]

Slav, do you ever just get the feeling that Ghost is getting turned into everything it shouldn’t be? I have always frowned on gatekeeping things and exposure is good for a band’s success etc but it’s putting me in the mind of all of the various things in the world that were ruined by too many tourists. Like national parks getting trampled or famous statues being discolored after everyone needed to touch it. You know? To be fair I’m a chronic overthinker but I can’t help but feel like I’m witnessing it (the fan side, not the music itself) being twisted into exactly what Tobias would hate.

This response came out VERY lengthy, I apologize in advance.

To answer your question shortly: yes, I do feel that way sometimes. However, I would be hesitant to involve TF in this discussion because I don't know him on a level that would allow me to gauge his true feelings on any particular matter. If I were to say "I hate it when Ghost fans [blah blah blah], because he would hate that!" it would only be an attempt to justify my own opinion about something, not a genuine concern for his feelings. Implicitly, I would also be shaming other fans and making them think that they are enjoying the band "the wrong way" when in reality, they simply enjoy it differently than me. That's unfair because I have no right to dictate how others should perceive Ghost. Everyone's experience with the band is unique and personal to them, and I have no authority to infringe upon that.

I think the sort of disillusionment that you describe is a common experience when you're a fan of virtually anything and it evolves. There's no solution for it. It just is what it is. The question is, to what extent is it a result of the band "being turned into something it shouldn't be" and how much of it is simply due to our own personal sense of nostalgia?

If you became a fan of the band several years ago, you'll likely always look back on those times through rose-tinted glasses. No other experience will ever compare to the emotions you felt back then, because they were formative and unique to that time in your life. You may continue to enjoy the band, but it's unlikely that anything will be able to replicate the same level of excitement and anticipation you felt when you were first introduced to them.

Of course, it's true the band has evolved and there's no denying that the community has undergone a significant shift over time. If you had seen them in concert a decade ago, the majority of the audience were people in their 20s and 30s. You had an odd kid here and there and the occasional, let's say, 'senior citizen' headbanging, but majority were young adults. It made for a very different dynamic which was also reflected in online spaces in terms of what was being discussed, how it was being discussed, and what the focus was on. These days, Ghost attracts a much wider age range with a significant portion of their current fans being on the younger side, pre-teens and teenagers. That's fantastic actually, I am very happy that is the case and I welcome them all. However, being 30-ish myself, I simply don't enjoy things in the same way they do and I don't focus on the same things they do.

It's very easy to become jaded when that's the case because you start to feel like you're no longer part of the target audience, and that can be disheartening. I make a conscious effort to prevent that from becoming an issue for me because I love Ghost dearly. At its core, it is still the same band I fell in love with. TF is doing exactly the same thing he has always done, but now on a larger scale, obviously. It's not being transformed into anything it hasn't been before. It's a bit more commercialized, sure, but that's not a crime.

Basically, it's up to us to decide how we want to engage with what is being offered. You need to find a way of consuming Ghost in a way that is comfortable to you or else you may get disenchanted very fast.

At the risk of sounding like a giant dick, I will admit that I intentionally stay away from the fandom and don't follow anyone because.. man, it's actually impossible to say this without sounding like a dick.. because I don't see eye to eye with majority of other fans and it taints my experience if I see too much of what others are saying or doing. To reiterate the point I made earlier, it doesn't mean that others are doing anything wrong and I'm doing it right; no, we are simply doing it differently. I made peace with the fact that I can't control how others act and that's completely fine. I live in my own little Ghost bubble, which, although solitary, is a tranquil place. I decide what I want to see and what I want to share, and who I want to talk to and about what. That's my way of remaining levelheaded and keeping the thoughts you describe at bay.

Apologies for crafting a whole ass high school essay on this fine Friday evening.. if you know me you know that I think and talk a fucking lot, hehe. I don't even know if anything of what I said makes sense, probably not. If you're still reading, thank you and sorry!

[twistedastrology]

- Cancers at their worst -

----------------------------------------------------------

i just saw an ig post (no shade to the original poster) that said a cancer's dark side was everything they are stereotyped to be (extremely emotional/sensitive, are way too kind and always think people are judging them) and as a cancer that may be about to go neurotic again rn im gonna tell you from my personal experience what a cancer's dark side is actually like.

like i said though im going off of mostly just my experience so if this doesn't resonate, my bad- i did my best 🙏😔

to understand the nature of a cancer at their worst, you have to actually understand water and its potential volatility.

remember when i talked abt cancers and rage and how i said cancers are fire-coded (cardinal) water? keep that in mind for just abt this entire post.

fire is pure energy, and so is water, water just has more space to hold said energy- where fire burns out quickly, water doesn't dry out that fast at all especially if you have an ocean specifically.

people who say cancers (or really any water sign honestly-) are crybabies and switch moods every 5 seconds do not understand what water really is and this topic makes me a little livid sometimes because those are the same people that made me not like my rising sign for a long time.

to understand a cancers rock bottom, think about what water can do.

tsunamis can kill hundreds of thousands of people if they're big enough.

hurricanes, and sometimes tornadoes, form over water when the temperature is right.

the pressure at the bottom of the ocean can crush almost anything in an instant except for what has specifically evolved to live down there.

rain can lead to insane flooding (fellow floridians remember hurricane ian 2yrs ago 😕)

we have explored less of our ocean than the space around us, can you imagine what oceans on other planets would be like? especially the planets or moons that are almost Entirely water?

water represents emotion, yes, but when we boil that down to water signs being overly emotional, it doesn't make any sense and it makes some people, at least the ones that are like me, ashamed of their water placements because our society loves to say "emotion = bad." when obviously that is not true.

But if we wanna talk about the actual dark shit, aka my jupiter in scorpio's favorite shit, u gotta strap in.

Cancers feel more rage than anything.

i talked abt this specifically in my cancers and rage post, but it's true for this as well.

to use myself as the example, whenever i feel depressed or upset for some reason (like today), it's never just that sad feeling, it is always accompanied by a distinct anger because i get pissed that i feel like shit.

but if that rage doesn't get its way, or worse, gets too much of its way, i can succumb to a state of misery or, at my worst, neurosis, where multiple god awful things happen.

im not one to stay down for long, the last and first time i went neurotic, it only lasted for a week until i snapped out of it, but it was still very damaging.

cancers at their worst will feel an urge to self-destruct that may or may not be uncontrollable depending on other placements in the chart and of course how shitty they feel.

they will find something detrimental to do and if they genuinely can't, they will instead just mentally rip themselves open and daydream about what it would be like to just completely lose control and fall into a self-destructive spiral.

that's what happened to me when i went neurotic. one wrong decision and, having no access to anything that would take a toll on my physical body, i ripped myself to pieces in my head and almost fell in love with the act.

like gerard way said, there's something very romantic about it.

cancers can get moody, yes, but at this point they'll go mostly numb and tearing at their soul is the only thing they enjoy.

and then the pain will catch up to them.

once that pain catches up to them, two things will happen.

they will begin to realize what they've been doing and how pointless it is, and they will activate a duality within themselves of the desire to hurt and the need for pain relief.

they will tear at themselves even more, knowing they shouldn't be doing what they are, but it's a vicious cycle.

this will happen, and then the potential for redemption begins to boil over.

after being in the dark, blissfully hidden depths of their own mental ocean, they will realize they can't breathe anymore, and they will either suffocate themselves or snap their eyes open and swim up until they see the light they deprived themselves of for however long.

once they've made it to the surface, they gasp to catch their breath, their tears being of the need for pain relief winning against their desire to hurt.

now the water is not a personal vice, but a cleansing presence that makes them feel understood. the water gets it. the water would never judge them for what they did.

after being in the dark embrace of the depths of the ocean for so long, the light finally hitting your eyes makes color seem so much more vibrant.

- 🌙 -

all this to say that, at their worst, cancers can succumb to self destruction like no other, but they have the drive to keep them going to even them out.

they don't just cry all day or switch moods 24/7, they fall into a vat of water that, the deeper they go, reveals more and more of their very soul.

it's the deepest level of shadow work, it's the pain no one wants to go through because it's the pain of losing your personal momentum and then having to find it again in an instant before it's gone forever.

OR i could be totally wrong idk But this is my experience!!!! ✨💞💞✨💞✨💞✨💞✨ God belsls!!!!!!!!

my bad that was real dark and poetic writing now i gotta balance it out Uhhhmmmmm Legalize nuclear bombs. 💥

[links-in-time]

Imposter

I'm sure this fic was requested by an Anon. But I cannot find the request! Anyway, this has kind of evolved into a slightly longer fic but we'll see where it goes after this.

Wars feels guilty that his adventure wasn't like the others. He doesn't think he's a true hero.

"And after Rauru and Sonia's spirits helped Zelda turn back into Hylian form, I caught her in mid air and we splashed down into a lake on the surface." Wild gesticulated, as he explained the climax of his story.

The others looked on from their spots gathered around the fire. Staring at Wild with rapture and intrigue. Even Time looked more engaged with the narrative than usual.

"Of course it wasn't long after that I found you guys again. But I hope I can get back to Zelda sooner rather than later. I think we've spent long enough apart by now." Wild concluded, his eyes falling to gaze into the fire.

"Wow! Two adventures and so close to one another." Wind observed, eyes wide while he had listened to Wild's tale.

"Yeah, I barely held myself together when my Zelda was taken by Demise. I don't know if I could have coped with going through that a second time." Sky sighed, gripping his sailcloth a little tighter around his shoulders.

"Two adventures is nothing, wait until you have a few more under your belt then I'll be more interested in your antics Champion!" Legend scoffed, taking a swig from his canteen.

"Just because you've had more adventures than the rest of us, doesn't make ours any less significant," Four pointed out, staring daggers at the Vet.

At that moment, Twilight happened to glance across the fire at Wars, who had remained odly quiet throughout Wild's story, and their present conversation. He sat a little outside the circle around the fire. A canteen in his hands and his bowl of stew half eaten on the ground beside him.

This wasn't particularly odd or interesting. Wars often forgot to finish his food. Lost in thought or stressing over the rest of the Chain. Always looking out for everyone else and letting his own needs slide. Twilight made a mental note to make sure Wars ate a good breakfast in the morning.

"Alright that's enough chat for one night," Time insisted, rising to his feet and giving his back a crack as he stretched. "Wars, who's on first watch?"

A few of them looked to Wars for his answer, but he didn't respond.

"Warriors?" Time asked again, then a little louder, "Captain?!"

Wars jerked to attention, so violently that he dropped his canteen, which landed with a clatter against his bowl.

"Ah, shit! What's going on?" He asked, staring around until his eyes rested on Time.

"It's bed time Cap, who's on first watch tonight?" Time asked again, a little slower.

"Oh, er it's Sky's watch first tonight." Wars replied, drawing up his pre-arranged watch schedule in his brain.

"Right, you heard the man, Sky you're on watch. Everyone else get some shut eye. We'll break camp in the morning," Time announced, before spreading out his bed roll and curling up for the night.

The others wandered to their beds in dribs and drabs, until Sky was the only one left beside the fire. He added a few more sticks and branches to keep the warm blaze aglo. His eyes drifted over the sleeping forms of his brother's and he smiled at the peaceful expressions on most of their faces. Though he noticed however that Wars appeared not to have fallen asleep.

He turned over on his bed roll and he caught Sky staring at him. With a heavy sigh Wars sat up and stretched his neck.

"I gotta go water a tree," he sighed, before heaving himself off the ground and wandering a little way away from camp to relieve himself.

When Wars returned he sat down near the fire instead of laying back down in his bed roll.

"Something on your mind Cap?" Sky asked quietly.

"Nothing much," Wars shrugged. A lie of course, but he didn't feel like talking about his feelings.

"You wanna talk about it?" Sky asked cautiously. He knew Warriors wasn't one for feelings talk, but he thought it worth asking anyway.

"Not really," Wars huffed.

They sat in silence for a while longer. Sky dragged his bag over to where he sat and pulled out his latest project. He had picked up an interesting looking branch in Wild's era. It had a beautiful grain of swirling grey hues and Sky was in the process of carving it into what Wars could tell was going to be a fish. He almsot told him to put it away. Hobbies were a distraction for whoever was on watch. But Wars stopped himself. They were both awake, what harm would it do to endulge sky in his hobby.

Wars watched Sky's hands work the wood over with his whittling knife. Carefully and deliberately removing strips of wood here and there. He was surprised by how long Sky took to make each cut. Turning the wood over and over in his hands before making a decision. Wars had always seen Sky as somewhat impulsive. Nowhere near as much as Hyrule or Wild, but there was still a child-like wonder about the young man.

"Argh!"

Both pairs of eyes shot towards Twilight as the man sat upright in his bedroll. Panting hard, Twilight pressed his palms into his eyes to push back the tears singing there. He sat for a moment while his breathing evened out and eventually his hands dropped into his lap. When Twilight glanced around he spotted Wars and Sky staring at him with mingled expressions of pity and concern.

"Nightmare," he mumbled, rubbing one of his eyes again.

"You okay?" Wars asked.

"Yeah, just," Twi paused and panted a little, sounding breathless, "think I might stay up for a while."

Twilight untangled himself from his bedroll. He always managed to get his legs wrapped up in his blanket. Then wandered back over to the fire. He plonked himself down close to Wars and sighed.

"Either of you have anything to drink? My water-skin is empty. Was gonna fill it up in the morning." Twilight asked, looking between Wars and Sky.

"Take mine." Wars insisted. Pulling out his canteen and offering it towards Twilight. "I filled it up while Wild was cooking supper."

"So that's where you disappeared to earlier," Twi remarked, taking the metal canteen gratefully.

He took a few swigs, occasionally shooting Wars a sideways glance.

"I didn't disappear," Wars protested. "I told Time I was going to get water and check there perimeter."

"I thought Four was checking the camp perimeter earlier?" Sky spoke up, pausing his carving work for a moment.

"Never hurts for two people to do a sweep," Wars pointed out, though he knew it was a pretty flimsy excuse.

"You don't trust Four to do a check?" Twi asked, eyebrow raised.

"No, no, no, not at all. That's not what I meant. Of course I trust Four. I trust all of you. I just... I like doing the perimeter check. It puts my mind at ease when I know for sure that we're safe."

The others looked at him sceptically. They had been travelling on this quest together for almost a month now. Trust had been a difficult thing for each of them to build. Turns out Heros tend to have a bit of a hero complex. Realising that each of the Links could take care of themselves and didn't need shielding during each battle had been a long lesson for all of them to learn.

Warriors was used to working in a team, but he was also used to leading. Being in charge. Being responsible. Those urges were proving difficult to let go of. He had other urges when it came to his friends. Specifically the two men seated around the fire with him. But he was definitely not going to do anything about that. Not unless they showed any sign of reciprocating those urges. Wars shook his head a little and scratched the back of his neck.

"Look, goddess knows I don't mean to offend anyone. I just like doing things the way I know how. And I get uneasy when I'm uncertain," Wars tried to explain without giving away too much.

"I understand that," Sky sighed. He set down his carving and his tools and folded his hands in his lap. "After I rescued Zelda I was still so paranoid. I used to patrol Skyloft each evening before we slept, even though there weren't any more monsters. When we used to stay on the surface I'd do the same thing. Walking around our camp until sunset. It took me a long time to feel safe again"

"Colin used to catch me staring up at the sky. I wouldn't realise I was doing it until he pointed it out. I was looking for Twilight portals. Unconsciously waiting for those beasts to fall from the sky and attack. I still do it from time to time. But not so much anymore."

Wars looked between Twilight and Sky, both briefly lost in their own thoughts. It seemed everyone else had been pulled into this adventure a long time after their own quests. While it had only been a few weeks since the end of the war. Only a few weeks since he had said goodbye to Mask and Tune. Time's past, Wind's future. His mess.

"I guess it's been a long time since I had much peace." Wars sighed.

Twilight reached out and laid a hand on Wars' arm. Wars glanced down at it, at the scars on Twi's hand, the roughness of his fingers. Part of him wished his clothes weren't in the way, the other was surprised Twilight had touched him at all.

"I hope it's not long before you do," Twilight uttered.

He fixed Wars with a gentle gaze, but a piercing one. Twilight's dark eyes met War's bright blue ones and something passed between them. A genuine feeling which knocked Wars back a little.

"Every hero deserves peace. We'll make sure you find it when this is all over Captain," Sky insisted, smiling a little brighter now.

"Thanks, but I don't really think I qualify anymore," Wars sighed, gently pulling his arm away from Twilight's grip.

"What are you talking about?" Twilight frowned, taken aback.

"I'm not..." Wars hesitated.

Was he really going to tell them how he felt? How Legend's teasing made him feel. How inadequate he felt compared to the rest of them. The reasoning behind his extra patrols and his constant mothering of them all. Apparently he was.

"I'm not like the rest of you. I'm not a real Hero."

Silence descended over their camp. Heavy and ringing with Wars' words. Sky and Twilight exchanged a look Wars didn't see. A moment later they looked back at their companion, head hanging and tears threatening hot and heavy behind his closed eyes.

"What's made you think that Link?" Twilight broke the silence.

Wars was surprised to hear Twi use his name. It had been a long time since they adopted their nicknames and he was so used to hearing it by now that his own name shocked him slightly. On Twilight's lips though it sounded soft and gentle.

"It's not such a stretch really. Legend's defeated Ganon a hundred times, Hyrule rescued two princesses, Time fought a Deamon! I did what any Captain devoted to his country would do. I lead my troops, I was loyal to my princess and those things helped us win the war. Nothing I did was special. I may have the Hero's spirit, but other than that my adventure pales in comparison to the rest of you. I didn't have to solve any clever puzzles to prove my worth. And to top it all off Ganon tricked us into getting his hands on the whole Triforce! What a failure of a Hero I turned out to be. Hylia must have been so proud." Wars scoffed.

He drew his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, drawing in on himself. Again there was a short silence and this time Sky broke it.

"You wanna talk about being a failure?!" Sky exclaimed, fixing Wars with a hard stare. "I'm the one who got you all cursed in the first place. All because I was to weak to kill my enemy."

"Now that's nonsense if ever I heard it," Twilight protested. "Showing mercy is never a weakness Sky, you know that."

"Yeah, still doesn't make Demise's curse any less real does it. Anyway, that's not the point. The point I was trying to make was, Wars, you're not the only one who Ganon tricked or hoodwinked into getting what he wanted."

"Ain't that the truth. And who says you're not a hero because your adventure was so different to ours? And fuck Legend!" Twilight exclaimed. "He may have more quests under his belt, but he's never been responsible for anyone but himself. You lead armies, Wars. I can't say I'd have the knowledge or the skill to do that. I didn't know hardly anything about fighting when I started out. I had to learn it all on the way. Hylia would have been lucky to have you instead of me to save my time."

The sound of his name had roused Legend. One eye open he kept his back to the fire to listen to the rest of their conversation in secret.

"Legend's right though. I wouldn't know the first thing about how to escape a dungeon if I got stuck in one." Wars continued, mumbling into his scarf.

"Legend talks too much. And if you ask me I think Hylia chose the nine of us for a reason," Sky replied, hands on his hips.

"What do you mean?" Wars lifted his head a little.

"Well, there's definitely been more than nine heros in the history of Hyrule. From the stories you lot have told there must be tens of us throughout history. I remember Wild telling us the legend of the hero who fought Calamity Ganon a thousand years before his time. So I think the nine of us were chosen for a special reason." Sky explained.

As he spoke he shifted his gaze between Wars and Twilight, watching their expressions change from confusion slowly to understanding.

"So why do you think she chose me? A lackluster hero fresh off the battlefield." Wars huffed.

"Hey! There's nothing lackluster about ya Wars!" Twilight insisted, once again fixing him beneath his gaze.

"I think she chose you because of your particular skills. You're right when you say you're not like the rest of us. None of us has ever trained to work as a team before. None of us had to follow orders during our adventures but we sure as hell have benefited from it so far. Without your careful planning I'm sure we would have had a lot worse injuries to date." Sky furthered his explanation.

Wars started to see what Sky was getting at. It was true the other Links lacked any discipline, except perhaps for Sky and Time. But Wars knew what kind of little gremlin still resided inside the Old Man. It was also true that he had fallen into the role of strategist and second in command to Time. Who everyone essentially only followed because he was the oldest and most serious.

"Imagine if we just let Wild and Hyrule loose in a fight without one of your plans?" Twilight raised an eyebrow and gave Wars a knowing look.

Wars remembered the first few times they had fought monsters as a group. Wild and Hyrule's skills were undeniable, but by Hylia were they untamed. Wild had almost hit Sky as he unleashed a flurry of arrows into a hoard of bokoblins. With Sky in the middle. And Hyrule had summoned up a torrent of fire whish set the surrounding field ablaze. Wars shuddered.

"Okay I get your point there," he inclined his head a little and relaxed his posture a bit more.

"I agree with Sky," Twilight nodded. "I think we're all together for a reason. Quest or not, each of us brings somethin the rest don't have. It doesn't matter one bit you didn't get an adventure like the rest of us. You fought a fucking war! And if there's any justice in this world you'll be rewarded for your bravery."

Wars felt the tears burning afresh behind his eyes. This time however he didn't feel quite so sorry for himself.

"And dungeons aren't all Legend cracks them up to be anyway. They're deadly and annoying," Sky huffed.

"I can't tell you how many times I walked in and out of the same room trying to figure out where I was supposed to be going," Twilight added.

"Urgh! Getting lost is a pain!"

"Okay, I don't feel like I missed out quite so much now." Wars chuckled, dropping his knees to sit cross legged.

"Absolutely not, I wouldn't wish crawling through a dungeon or a temple upon anyone!" Twilight replied, adding his own laughter.

Wars felt, lighter somehow. Just talking to Twilight and Sky had settled the storm in his heart. He still wanted to be closer to them, but talking in confidence about his own fears and trepidations felt like enough for now.

"Thanks for listening guys. I think it helped."

"You're still gonna do extra patrols though, aren't you?" Twilight asked with a teasing note in his voice.

"Well, maybe," Wars admitted.

Sky and Twilight laughed and Wars enjoyed the music of their mirth.

"But only because I want to make sure you're all safe. I... I care about all of you. Even Legend. I know you can all take care of yourselves. I'd never deny that. I just, need to know you're safe." Wars tried to explain, feeling stupid again.

"We understand," Twilight urged. "If it makes you feel more comfortable, you can do whatever you need to."

"Speaking of needs, Sky, why don't you go to bed. I can see you hiding your yawn, it's not very subtle." Wars insisted, inclining his head towards Sky's bedroll.

"My shifts not over yet," Sky protested, his jaw snapping shut.

"It's okay. Twilight and I can finish yours and take the next one. Get some sleep Sky."

"As long as you're sure," Sky double checked, hands on his knees.

"I'm sure. And thank you Sky. I didn't realise how much I needed to talk," Wars replied. "Seems that's something we all share."

Sky gave him a nod before returning his things to his pack and rising to his feet.

"We're allways here if you need us Wars," said Sky, before he made the short walk to his bedroll and laid down.

Wars heard his breathing even out and a light snore escape Sky's lips only minutes after his head hit the ground.

"How does he do that?" Twi asked.

"I have no idea. But I think it's his skill I'm most jealous of."

They both chuckled, keeping their voices low. Once again Twilight caught Wars' eye, but suddenly dropped his gaze.

"Everything okay there Rancher?" Wars asked, trying to find Twilight's gaze again. But Twilight kept them deliberately down cast.

"Yeah, I was starin' sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry Twi. I've caught myself staring at you before..." the words were out before Wars could stop them.

They both froze. Wars found now that he was looking at Twilight, he couldn't look away. While Twilight's eyes were fixed on the grass in front of him. Neither of them knew what to say. Didn't know if they should say anything at all. The minutes stretched on and on and the fire crackled in the silence. Just when he thought he couldn't bare it any longer, Wars heard Twilight speaking softly.

"I noticed you lookin'." He said quietly, tentatively. "But I thought I was imagining it. Didn't think you'd be interested in someone like me."

"Wait what?" Wars frowned, he wasn't quite following Twilight.

"Didn't think a well put together city guy like you, would be interested in some farm hand like me."

"That's what you...? Twilight, I..." Wars tried to find the words to say what he wanted. But his brain seemed to be malfunctioning.

"S'okay. You don't have to say anything."

"Twi," Wars said softly. "I noticed you almost as soon as we met. I just didn't let myself think about it too much."

"Really?" Twilight asked, finally looking up at Wars beside him.

"Really."

At that moment they both realised just how closely they were sitting. Only a few inches between Wars' knee and twilight's thigh. Twilight made the first move, shuffling a little closer so that their legs were touching. Wars' breath hitched slightly at the contact and he stared at the place where they touched.

"This okay?" Twilight asked gently, eyeing Wars' reaction.

"Yeah, besides, it's kinda chilly tonight. And I'm not very tired."

"Yeah it is, shall I grab a blanket?" Twi asked.

"Mmm, no it's okay. You're pretty hot. I mean warm! You're body temperature is pretty warm!" Wars replied, stumbling over his words as he pressed his side into Twilight's body.

Twilight was warm and solid and the air between them felt slightly charged as Twilight chuckled. When Twilight slowly wrapped his arm around Warriors' shoulders, he felt safer than he had done in a very long time. Not just on his current misadventure, but since before the war. A warmth rose up within him. A feeling of peace and security. The weight on his shoulders lifted, as though Twilight's arm had shifted it aside.

"I didn't realise you were a cuddler," Twilight chuckled, the sound reverberating in his chest.

"Hmm, there's a lot you don't necessarily know about me Rancher," Wars replied, his eyelids drooping.

"I'd love to know you better Cap," Twi replied, speaking softly close to Wars' ear.

"Easy Twi, are you sure Sky is really asleep?"

"Would it be so terrible if he wasn't?" Twi teased.

"Maybe not," Wars considered. "I'm feeling warmer now."

"Good, wouldn't want our handsomest Link to catch a cold." Twi almost giggled, nudging Wars' blushing ear with his nose.

"Here I was thinking the same thing about you."

Twilight grinned broadly, showing his slightly exaggerated canines.

"So you think I'm handsome?"

Twilight's earlier shyness had evaporated. Something primal and possessive seemed to have come over him. Wars felt the shift in his friends body language and the tone of his voice. It tugged at his core, at his own desires. However, surrounded by the rest of the Chain, presumably sleeping soundly around them, they were stuck.

"And what if I do?" Wars asked in return.

"I'd say you needed to get your eyes tested, but that you're cute for saying so," Twilight chuckled.

Wars found his easy laughter endeering and he found himself smiling in return. Twilight shifted his head a little so they were facing each other more directly. His forehead rested gently against Wars'.

"Can I kiss you? I've been wanting to for ages. But I'll only do it if you say yes," Twilight asked, his words barely more than a whisper.

Wars' heart raced, though Twilight's eyes were closed he felt pinned by his gaze. As if Twi's question had shot through to his soul. A soul they supposedly shared. Wars parted his lips to speak, his breath hot and a little ragged.

"Yes, I'd like that."

Twilight hesitated just a moment longer and Wars thought he might have changed his mind. Then their noses brushed against one another. Then Twilight's lips touched Wars'. While Wars' lips were rather thin Twilight's were full and lush. He covered Wars' mouth with his own, gently claiming his lips. Wars' core trembled, but he kept his body still.

Twilight's arm around his neck rooted him to the ground. The warm lips against his stirred feelings he had long pushed deep down. Wars began to kiss back, moving his lips in a gentle dance, with Twilight as his partner. The Rancher drew back for a second, catching his breath. Wars tried to chase his warmth, but he didn't go far.

"Well... didn't know what kind of reaction I was expectin' but it sure wasn't this." Twilight chuckled, running a hand through his unruly hair.

"You feel so good Twi, I could kiss you forever," Wars huffed, drawing air into his starving lungs like he was drowning.

"You too. But I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be on watch. Or doesn't the Captain care about that sort of thing anymore?" Twilight gave Wars a lopsided smile which almost stole his breath again.

"Weeeell," Wars considered, his two halves at war in his brain. "We could just, cuddle together for now?" He felt stupid saying it and he could sense Twilight's amusement at his words.

"I think that's the funniest thing I've ever heard you say," Twilight laughed, pulling away a little more.

"Twi," Wars groaned, shoulders slumping.

"I'm sorry." Twi sighed. "Turns out you're fun to tease."

"And here I thought you were trying to make me feel better tonight," Wars pouted.

Twi was suddenly very close, his lips grazing Wars' blushing ears.

"You wait until we can get some privacy, and I'll make you feel the best you've ever felt in your life."

[crazykuroneko]

Rewind the Tape – IWTV S102

I'm catching up with @iwtvfanevents now with Episode 2. Repeating my FYI from before: this is my first time rewatching the show (excluding indirect watch through YouTube reactions), and it's purpose for me to refresh my mind and noticing things. So, I won't dwell on certain theories, but I'll take notes about it for myself.

Feel free to reply if you want to discuss. *crack knuckles* Let's go!

• Marius' painting. A clue that Rashid is Armand. But now, IF Justin Kirk is really Marius, it's also a clue that Marius also lives in that apartment building 💡Does that mean there's a real possibility of "Akasha is the groan" theory to be true? Or "sleeping Lestat is the groan"? Because no way these good writers features the groan without meaning even though the groan is indeed a phenomenon that happens to tall buildings. Saving this for later.

• "Is it only work or you (are his fuckboy basically)?" Your prejudice (and lowkey envy, maybe) is showing, Daniel

• "I apologize for my outburst earlier" You're just crying Louis. It's okay. Fuck this discipline life you're doing 😭

• Idc I headcanon Armand bought Louis that top because it looks so great for Ied Fitr. Like, I already have the visual in my head.

• The music turns out to be a diagetic music as well is so witty and memorable. Love that

• The farm. Hmmm. Saving that for later

• "Two vampires walked into the church". The error in this statement is interesting. Does he feel like it's inevitable the moment he walked into that church?

• Blood of the deceased will suck you into death. Okay, noted.

• That priest is still alive???? What?

• The spark shot is beautiful. Iirc, Alan said that's kinda tricky to achieve.

• I don't know, I just love this shot:

• "Are you hungry, Louis?" "Huh-huh" PLEASE HE IS SO CUTE AND PALM-SIZED

• That paw of a hand directing Louis' head. Icu

• Lestat still could talk to Louis telepathically here. Because he hasn't had his first meal?

• "Just to be clear, we're here to talk about tractors" 🏳️‍🌈🤔❓I mean, what this poor soul is assuming to begin with 😭

• Lestat's instruction being an innuendo for oral sex is so 😭. I love these writers

• "You're going to find that difficult". That's "after-the-fact scene" number 2. Yeah, I will call it that. It means that scene doesn't necessarily happen as a fact in the past because it's impossible for Louis to know (he's being super focused on his family, no way he heard that). But it's formed based on an information Louis learnt after the fact, which over the years eventually attached to the memory of that day. Memory does evolve that way; no intervention or intent needed for that to happen. The after the fact information this time is that it's indeed hard, and Lestat must have warned him (see: post almost killing nephew scene), so over the years it evolved to "oh Lestat must find it ridiculous I tried to go back to my family that first day". I LOVE that the writers are doing this. It means they're treating memory in the show as real memory; it's not static, it evolves over the years, formed based on a lot of influences etc etc.

• Love the burning special effects. That's a great way to show it off.

• I can't believe they had their first time with Louis smelling like milk and burnt 😂😭

• Daniel is SO desperate to put some distance and not sympathize with Louis. Though he kinda fails by the end of the episode thanks to Alice

• The fact they gave Lestat's preaching lines from the book to Louis (the having hand in divine plan bits) really tells you that Louis is posturing here. Idk I feel like he's trying to gauge how far Daniel could tolerate. And Daniel is indeed afraid, judging from his face and how he becomes more bitey.

• After-the-fact scene number 3, with Lestat staring as Louis' sex worker's breast. The after-the-fact information is obviously Lestat staring at Antoinette in the next episode which led to his affair. Of course, Louis would questioning when Lestat started to be unfaithful, when his eyes started straying; a very common question for people who are cheated. Is it really from the beginning? (Fenwick's arm hasn't healed yet since Paul's funeral; Google tells me it can take six weeks)

• "It's not cheating if it's with a woman" oh hey best cameo of the year lol

• Lestat's face when he explained about no telepathy is like he just had a war flashback

• I need more Florence vs Lestat cat fight seriously

• "Haven't heard a knock on my door. It's a half-mile both ways" SPEAK IT LOUDER LOUIS. Like, I understand you're grieving and blaming your son, but no call whatsoever from everyone for 3 months after your son just suddenly moved out?? Insanity. (But also not surprising seeing my own big family responding to silent treatment 💀) The homophobia jumps out as well. Paul is Louis' real tie to the family.

• Jacob's expressions during the racist lawyer scene muah

• "If you hide from me this long again, I'll hunt you down..." again, his family knows where he lives 🤷‍♀️

• Grace pointing out the "extra" cash and the fact he lives nicely in the Quarter now 👀👀

• "What can i do to make it up to you?" This whole scene shows Lestat's method in deescalating a situation. He obviously doesn't understand the point of the problem is yet he doesn't try to understand. Louis is giving him a silent treatment (which means he's my bestie, cos silent treatment is my flaw as well lol), but idk instead of showing a good intention by asking Louis to explain to him or something, he asks for a shortcut instead. He needs Louis to verbalize the solution for them. We're fast forwarding, but iirc this is similar approach he has with Antoinette as well. Here, Louis is still willing to verbalize the solution.

• The way Louis' neck moves when Lestat says "How can i stop you?" oh he loves being pampered

• Louis doesn't put "sir" after Tom's name when signing the purchase 😎✊

• The body double throws me out I'm so sorry 😭

• 1912-1917

• This whole thing with Benny feels like a thriller movie. Kudos for the director

• Of course he came to his family bringing money for Grace. It seems it's past bed time. Florence is in her bedroom.

• "It's still Lestat" There's passive aggressiveness into it idk. Like, she expects them to have broken up already

• The last victim in 2000. noting that down.

• Louis really wants Daniel to highlight he's different from the other girls. I mean, the other vampires.

• Daniel's face over the slurping 😭

• He put Benny on the floor so he wouldn't roll down from the sofa 🥺

• "If you love your family, spare them the pain" I believe Lestat is being genuine here. He basically goes I've been there done that, and look at me now it ended so badly.

• "I'm your family, Louis" 😭

• Then he basically makes a perfect summary of Louis aww

• "Maybe there's deaf, blind porter and kill when we get to the hotel." Louis, you're not so different from the other girls (vampires) 😭

• That long ass overture just for two tickets to the opera. Lestat, please.

• The whole "there was present a kind of worship on my part" 🤌 *insert that gif of pen on fire while writing*

• You can see the exact moment when it dawns on Lestat he has fucked up with bringing Louis to a racist opera house. God, what a loser (affectionately). It's never come into his mind how bad it would ruin Louis' mood. Like, he understands racism is bad as a concept, but he doesn't understand how it affects one's self. He thinks that would be a minor convenience to Louis that Louis could just brush off.

• Lestat 🤝 Me, accidentally become manipulative when we're in a pinch. (re: the loneliness speech)

• Louis is so down bad, unfortunately ❤️

• "And this woman sang for us, it seemed, articulating the difficult love we often had troubles exptessing ourselves" So beautiful.

• Misophonia girlies (gn) unite! I will always enjoy Lestat killing Ernesto I'm so sorry lol. Saw a reaction from someone who does classical music and they're ouching as well. So, GO FOR IT SON KILL HIM

• Lestat slowly killing Ernesto while Louis watching his memories to feel the "charge" of connecting to humanity. Oh, they are made for each other.

• The story with Alice, that she felt not good enough for him so she always died his eyebrow brown, but Daniel actually liked it when she didn't do it. Aww Daniel is trying to cheer him up.

• About the question for this week, does Louis really need to maintain the thread and why? Idk, i feel like Louis feels he needs to do it. Maybe to maintain some resemblance of humanity inside him, afraid it will go away over time. But to me, it doesn't really work.

Summary: Okay, if the first episode is about establishing Louis' internal conflicts, about the seduction/hunt and turning, this episode is about what Louis lost and not lost to vampirism. We also see the seed of Loustat's conflicts and how ineffective their method to solve them. And it's about vampirism, it's also the episode where we get the vampire lore the most. Of course over the months after season 1 aired I have kept several theories up about where the Dubai timeline is set based on the books. And the teasers of season 2 have debunked some of them. But this rewatch gives me another theory which I will keep to myself. All I can say though, instead on certain period of time of book canon, I think they're taking elements from different era of the books for Dubai. Can't wait to see the answer in S2 ❤️

[monsterfuckerconfessions]

Mmmmmm,,,, my mind just keeps coming back to think about the imposters from among us. Some of the fandom's depictions of them are so incredibly scary + horrifying + hot, I just want to be wrecked by one or two. There are just so many thrilling possibilities. The idea of being trapped in a small(ish) space & knowing that there are dangerous alien creatures on board with me? That they could be anyone or anywhere? That I don't know who to trust or what they want? Sends the heart racing ~!! The myriad of way I've seen them represente? Full shapeshifters, able to assume a human form for infiltration but having a monstrous/alien true form. Being a creature that evolved to look similar to a human in a suit, that being their real outer appearance but their insides being anything but human? Just actual full blown aliens hiding in suits? So many yummy options, so many thoughts about strange alien genitals... All the different ways I could end up being fucked by them? Being oh so bored and lonely in space, deciding to bed one of my crewmates who turns out to be an alien? Could go a few ways, me telling them I don't mind at all (or how I even prefer this); them not giving me the choice to back out upon finding out; not knowing at first (them able to mimic a human) up until we've already gotten started. The idea of getting trapped by one, it intent on killing me off but begging and promising that I'll do anything they want if they just please don't? Mmm, them demanding to get to use my body as they please in exchange. Maybe having to make the same deal with their partner as well? Either at the same time or at a later date... The softer and sweeter thoughts of them maybe not actual being a threat. Yes, they snuck on board and are pretending to be human but just because some of their kind are violent doesn't mean they all are. Really getting to know them, befriending them and maybe even falling in love? Fully conscious of who and what they are, agreeing to fuck them. As friends, as partners. Just having a very good but also consensual and maybe even sweet or romantic time. Though admittedly, the fantasy I keep coming back to the most? The idea of being the last crewmate stuck on a ship with a pair of imposters. Willing to do whatever I have to in order to survive this ordeal. Bargaining for my life? Whether I'll ever see earth or other humans agin is another question entirely. Maybe, if on the trip back to their homeworld, I can prove myself? Maybe they'll keep me as their pretty little human pet. Belonging to the pair of them or if their community has... more of a tendency towards sharing... Well, I'd be fine with either option. I could keep going but I'll leave it here for now,,, my brain is overflowing with ideas though so I'll probably be back in future ~!! - Mimic

.

[thebramblewood]

🌈 What inspired you to write Helena Zhao is Dead?

Hi! I think I've talked about this a couple times before, so apologies if I'm repeating myself. It truly was just kind of born out of thin air. Around the same time I made my Simblr, I also bought the Vampires pack after holding out on it forever. Occult play never used to be my favorite, but I'd just finished playing through a couple generations of spellcasters and had a lot of fun so figured why not? I made Helena in her peak vampire form (which she hasn't even properly evolved into yet!) just to test it out. I asked myself how she would have gotten to that point, and, well, it all spiraled from there.

The reason I joined Simblr in the first place was because I wanted to stretch my legs more with storytelling and thought maybe it'd feel more fulfilling if I were sharing it with someone other than myself. I was mainly looking for a way to experiment with posing and Reshade and editing when I started playing Helena as a human, and my head just kept extrapolating and extrapolating until it became what it is now. I never could have predicted it back then! I think it helps a lot that I've been into writing creative fiction since I was a kid, so I've done enough of it that when it's going well, it feels like my brain just comes up with the ideas without any involvement from me at all (even though my brain is... literally just me).

On a subconscious level, I think I must have been inspired by my brief but intense obsession with Twilight (which I still love now but more for the accidental comedic genius of it all). Also Interview with the Vampire (specifically the AMC series), which I was only somewhat into at the time but I've been watching more closely with HZID in mind lately. And in the beginning especially I tried to use gameplay mechanics whenever possible to inspire the world-building and plot development, which is still true to an extent, but it's obviously become much bigger!

[gefdreamsofthesea]

Spot the lie: Shin Megami Tensei edition

Note: I'm including everything under the SMT label in English except the Persona games. No I don't care if they're technically part of another subseries in Japan. Also, these apply to the original releases. I know some have been updated but I haven't played them.

I especially want to hear from people who haven't played them because this feels too easy for a veteran.

Poll results are in and I'm very disappointed that only 3.7% of you got it right.

I will now reveal the correct answers:

1. TRUE - The first major boss in Devil Survivor, Beldr, can only be killed by mistletoe, a mistletoe-shaped cellphone strap is just as effective.

2. TRUE - Yggdrasil is sapient and steals time warping powers from the Disir. The protagonist has to go back in time to save themselves with the help of the Norns (who have evolved from the Disir who gave him the quest, you know like Pokemon)

3. TRUE - Dante made a guest appearance in the original release of SMT Nocturne. Later versions replaced him with Raidou Kuzunoha, the protagonist of two games in the Devil Summoner spinoff series

4. TRUE - It's ordinary literature, there's nothing wrong with it the citizens of the Eastern Kingdom of Mikado are just that brainwashed

5. TRUE - The entry is in Strange Journey. "Originally, he looked like an abominable snowman, but perhaps he changed form to more efficiently freeze people."

6. TRUE - The bondage angel design debuted in SMT 2. Here's a screenshot of SMT 1 showing its original design.

7. TRUE - A lot of people voted for this one but it's actually true. Cerberus' single head is a reference to the original novel the series is based on (Digital Devil Story). He is depicted with three heads in SMT: IMAGINE, Soul Hackers, and Digital Devil Saga.

8. TRUE - I did not know the origin of David's name myself so I looked it up. His design is possibly a reference to the poem Danse Macabre by Camille Saint-Saens.

9. FALSE (ish) - It's actually the reverse: Astaroth wishes to become the goddess Ishtar (technically to return to being Ishtar but in game terms Ishtar is treated as his "evolution"). He is usually required in order to fuse her. In some games, the two don't appear to be connected at all.

10. TRUE - As the accuser, Satan is part of the Law alignment (and therefore on YHVH's side) against Lucifer, who (usually) represents the Chaos alignment. His role in SMT IV Apocalypse is more complicated.

Anyways good job everyone. Everyone gets a cookie.

[blackphanto]

Does Hazbin have a deistic God?

Hi there! This is my first post on this platform and I would like to share a theory that I've had for quite a while now. I'm not a deistic myself, so if I got anything wrong feel free to correct me.

Now first and foremost, let me introduce you to the religion of deism: The belief in God based one reason rather than revelation, teachings or divine miracles. Deists believed that God created the universe and then left it so that it could evolve on its own. They were also convinced that the best form of worship was to do good for others, but the belief of an afterlife depends on person to person. Yet, they theoretically reject the belief in angels since they're seen as messengers for revelations. So in short; God is like a clockmaker analogy.

We don't know much about heaven, let alone God in the Hellaverse. Our first ever canon depiction of heaven was in Helluva Boss S1E4 and if you look closely in C.H.E.R.U.B.'s commercial, there's a poster which seems to be a quote from God.

This poster promotes the idea that God might be a muppet and that heaven encourages people to use each other for their own benefits. It also doesn't help proving my point, but I just wanted to bring our first ever mention of God up.

Now, in Hazbin Hotel we've seen a couple glances of heaven, mainly through the trading cards, but none of the promotion material we've got seems to acknowledge the presence of God. One could argue that "we haven't seen everything", though it is true that doesn't mean that we can't theorize?

The whole extermination, the function of C.H.E.R.U.B. all sounds so cruel that you can't possibly think that God ordered all of that? If Hell is overpopulated, then make heaven more approachable instead of causing a mass genocide in Hell and Sera, she is a seraph, right? Seraphim are angels who circulate the throne of God and praise him/her/them. Now, what if God isn't there anymore? Who will they praise or protect? And since they are the highest ranking angels, what if they simply took over of heaven.

Everything we've seen of Heaven so far promotes that idea that God isn't there and has abandoned EVERYTHING to let it evolve on its own, to let the denizens of Heaven take over and run it. And humanity and denizens of Hell are the ones paying the consequences of it.

[dionysianfreak]

hi!! i can't get this off my mind - love hear your thoughts!

I don't understand and still need to answer for myself: I generally see us modern polytheists pray for and attribute good outcomes to gods' interference/support (eg. good garden yield, long-needed rain, creative or shadow work breakthroughs) and refuse to attribute gods' interference when "bad things" happen (eg. dead plants, natural disasters) because it would be unscientific to do so.

Obviously "gods" is no longer adequate scientific reasoning for the weather forecast. Godly things can happen, but most of the time the reasons are mundane.

So how can we pray for rain from Zeus, get rain, and attribute this to his generosity, when you can't "blame" Poseidon for an earthquake or tsunami that strikes your home?

hello love. I've touched on this a few times on my pages over time. the post that sticks out the most to me is this one. this answer is also going to be extremely leaning on personal opinion/upg so keep that in mind.

i personally do attribute negative things to the Theoi, that has always been a very central idea for my practice. i definitely wouldn't deem this "unscientific", I would argue that it's unscientific to only attribute positive qualities.

my reasoning is that our concepts of good/bad, positive/negative, helpful/damaging, etc tend to be human-centric. we define things as good based on how they effect humans, not how they effect the earth or any other species. one could argue that, in some aspect, earthquakes are positive because they are a product of the earth's movement and constant change. the opposite is also true, the rains that help our crops grow could be very catastrophic if I was a butterfly without shelter.

so, my answer is people will focus on good qualities and reject the bad because they push their mortal, human morals onto the natural workings of the earth. our planet was not made specifically for us, it's a miracle that our species even evolved and gained the ability to conceptualize religion. the Theoi would have carried on had we not evolved, but we did, and that's the blessing of our existence.

it can be very eye-opening to begin praising the Gods for the bad things in life. it helps you realize that existence, especially with how vast and diverse it is, is not all about humanity. killing that part of your ego allows you to get infinitely closer to the Theoi because you are no longer rejecting parts of Them that don't benefit you. the true blessing is that we evolved to the point that we are able to form the connections and commune with the energetic side in the first place, not the gifts or benefits that may come with it.

especially because, in more cases than not, the bad is what clears the way for the good. your partner leaves you and you're shattered, but it allows you to follow your passion without someone pinning you down. you're kicked out of a job you worked hard at, but you avoid a disaster that occurs in that building. so then, what constitutes something being good and something being bad ?

you generally see people pray for good things because most people aren't inclined to share the worst parts of their lives. this is the internet, you're only seeing a very small part of someone's practice—the parts the choose to show you. behind the scenes, we all struggle, so remember that what you see here is but a small slice of our real lives and praxis. for the ancient people, the bad things certainly outweighed the good. in modern times we live very privileged lives compared to them, especially with modern medicine and widespread access to diverse foods and cultures. it makes sense that they would only wish to invoke the good qualities, the bad ones were already way too prevalent.

this answer is also swayed by my belief that the mundane is the most Godly. I believe the Theoi encompass all that They rule, and are present in every being and object under Their wing. it's an extremely animist-leaning perspective. I hope this can help you come to your own conclusions :)