#i have a presentation due in a week and my first exam in 10 days AND IM LITERALLY DOING NOTHING

[misfortunegirl]

having bpd moments is so embarrassing

[eponymous-rose]

A full day today, so I figured it might be fun to write up what a professor's day might look like when not lecturing!

6:30AM: Got up early to virtually attend a friend's wedding on the East Coast! <333

8:00AM: I have been very careful this quarter to shuffle lectures/meetings around so that I have a little time to myself in the mornings to sit at home and drink coffee and eat breakfast and pet a cat while I get the day's work started. No exception today! I pull up an application my PhD student has been putting together for a tech grant and use the proverbial red pen to make some (a lot of) comments. It looks good overall, though! I send him a note to encourage him to send it to our collaborator in the computer science department when he's done with edits. Monday's the deadline, we gotta get moving on this.

9:00AM: I load up a bag with books I keep putting off taking to my office, plus some extra Halloween candy I found to add to my office candy bowl, and head out to take the bus in to campus. Also, pet the cat goodbye (she is unconcerned).

9:45AM: At the office, books and candy put away! Time to prep for my first meeting, which is a committee meeting with someone else's PhD student. He struggled a bit with a recent exam (entirely his advisor's fault, but that's a different story), so we're reconvening as a group to see his progress and cheer him on. He sent an update document, so I run through that and take a few notes. Then it's responding to e-mails (setting up my participation in a federal review panel next year, responding to two prospective graduate students interested in working with me - the combo of a fun research topic and a beautiful campus means I'm now up to 20 inquiries so far this quarter, eep - and sending out an update to the department about the charitable giving opportunities I'm coordinating).

10:30AM: Great presentation by the PhD student about all the things he's done since our last meeting back in April-ish. He's made huge changes to his work, and we applaud (literally and figuratively) how much he's accomplished in such a short time. Also, amazing data visualization! Great work all around. He's set to defend his PhD by 2025 at this rate, definitely back on track.

11:30AM: Time to rush back to my office to meet with my own PhD student! We usually meet on Fridays, but we get tomorrow off for the holiday so we jumped the meeting back. He's a few minutes late due to a missed bus, so my next-door colleague and I talk about cats for a few minutes. As you do. When he does arrive, he's got some cool stuff to show me - we talk about the notes I made on his grant application, and I remind him (and myself) to book flights to a conference in December that is rapidly approaching somehow. (I guess this means I have to do some cool and innovative research before then that I can talk about. Go figure.) He also shows me some cool preliminary results from a project he's been doing with a friend out in Pennsylvania. He's late enough in his PhD that my role as advisor is primarily to get out of his way and make sure he has enough supercomputer core-hours to get his work done!

12:30PM: A break for me! I start in on e-mail again, sending a coordinator my bio and abstract for a talk I've been invited to give (virtually, thankfully) at a student conference in January. I also realize that, because of the break tomorrow, I should really put together a homework assignment and next week's lectures for the class I teach Monday-Wednesday-Friday. Hmmm. I dig through last year's lectures and assignments and realize they've gotten a little out of sync this year. The solution? I may just offer 5 instead of 6 assignments over these ten weeks and give them this one a week later. Class average has been extremely high on them, and I think the students will appreciate a bit of a break. Also means today's job is just to prepare a few lectures based on last year's material. I've got a big chunk of open time later this afternoon to deal with course stuff, so back to e-mail. Going to be joining a friend (who I can't help but think of as the undergrad who sat in during all my grad classes, but is now somehow a full research scientist) on a very cool project putting together a new thunderstorm dataset. Also reached out to another friend about setting up biweekly meetings to hopefully start a new research collaboration and... possibly some fieldwork! I also almost forgot to put a forecast together for our forecasting competition, but I got there in time. Phew.

1:30PM: Meeting with a colleague and the undergrad research intern we co-supervise who is sadly having to leave to go attend school closer to home. This meeting is mostly just us reinforcing to her that we're still here if she needs advice/reference letters or ever wants to work on a similar project with us remotely in the future, but we are going to continue with the research until the end of the quarter, at her request. After the meeting, I get an e-mail about another undergraduate looking for a research project! I present her with the options of a cool lightning project with my colleague next door (waiting to hear back about federal funding for that project, fingers crossed) and that other cool thunderstorm project led by my friend in Oklahoma.

2:30PM: Seminar time! A very cool freshly-minted PhD from California tells us all about her research, a complicated topic about which I knew very little going in and now know... slightly more. There was a very geeky moment in which she showed what happened to a particular part of the climate system when CO2 was added, then showed what happened when CO2 was removed, and the asymmetry of it made everyone in the room gasp and then self-consciously giggle.

4:00PM: Post-seminar snacks acquired (a big cookie and coffee are definitely a good late lunch, right? I kid, I kid, I had a big breakfast and have a big dinner waiting at home) and small-talk survived, I scramble back up to my office. Time to get those lectures ready for next week (pretty quick to do - rather than last year, where I'd show the code on the screen and we'd talk about it, I'm having us write the code together live and debug as we go; harder in the moment for me, but the students are learning so much better!). Get an e-mail back from the new undergrad research intern expressing interest in the lightning project, amazing! Time to get her registered so she gets credit for this starting in January. Also finally get a teensy bit more editing done on a draft of a review article that one of the top scientific journals in the world tapped me to write (???? still surreal beyond measure).

5:30PM: BAND PRACTICE. Our department is so nerdy that the faculty/staff/postdocs/grad students put together a giant band to perform popular songs but as covers so we can make the lyrics about our nerdy research. This tradition has been going on for 30+ years, and the big performance is for an hour at our holiday party every year. It's a riot, and this is my first year joining in the chaos (I'm on keys on three songs!). There are like 25 of us, we have a horn section, a professor plays the mandolin, the students create elaborate musical roasts of their professors, it's great. My parts go great, to the point where when there's some trouble with key drift during an a capella part they call me in to play chords under it and keep them grounded. I love playing music with other people!

7:00PM: Time to pack up and head home for dinner. Phew.

Long day, but also LONG WEEKEND BAYBEE. I don't actually have to do any substantial work this weekend, so that means BALDUR'S GATE WEEKEND BAYBEE.

[study-with-aura]

Tuesday, May 14, 2024

Three more days, three more days! I have no idea what I am going to do with myself during my usual study hours next week. It isn't officially summer break until after that because I will still have ballet and piano (practical on May 28). I suppose I will start working on my music history studies. It's a self-paced course that I am taking for it, but I want to be prepared to take the exam in December. I could take it in August, but I am taking Music Appreciation next year for academics, so it makes sense to add that to my independent study before the exam. I simply have to take it before I sign up for any level 10 exams (if I pass my level 9 exams! I will pass them!).

My brother is coming home soon! My brother is coming home soon! Yes, that was meant to be repeated! I can't wait!

Tasks Completed:

Geometry - Finals review (focused on similarity and proofs today)

Lit and Comp II - Reviewed Units 18-20 vocabulary + read the news + completed first draft of non-fiction writing assignment and editing (due Thursday) + CLEP Test practice question + reviewed study guides

Spanish 2 - Reviewed Los Adverbios y Los Muebles vocabularios + reviewed present perfect + reviewed informal commands

Bible I - Read Matthew 25

World History - Took a quiz + answered question about conflict/wars between nations and peoples

Biology with Lab - Completed Invertebrate Survey Lab + continued germination lab

Foundations - Read more on wisdom + finished first draft of argumentative speech and editing

Piano - 60-minute piano lesson + practiced for one hour

Khan Academy - Completed High School Geometry Unit 4: Quiz 3 and Unit 4: Lesson 6 practice set "Prove theorems using similarity" + completed High School biology daily mastery challenge + completed World History Unit 6 test (80%, there were no Unit 4 or 5 tests)

CLEP - None today

Streaming - Watched Empire Games Episode 4

Duolingo - Studied for approximately 30 minutes (Spanish, French, Chinese) + completed daily quests

Reading - Read pages 184-206 of The Weight of Our Sky by Hanna Alkaf

Chores - Laundry

Activities of the Day:

Personal Bible Study (1 Corinthians 4)

Ballet

Pointe

Journal/Mindfulness

[ctrlaltsoob]

13. phone calls are useless - take a hint (csb)

summary: worrying about anything else couldn’t matter less to huh y/n, who cares so desperately at beating the one and only choi soobin in absolutely everything she can. although maybe there are some things than only can take the trophy for first…

or where two people fail to realise that the line between love and hate is very thin, even though they might be the smartest in their studies.

warnings: angst??? idk if u can call it that, swearing, mentions of violence

a/n: HAPPY HYUKA DAY !!! im sorry for the slow updates i’ve been applying for stuff all week and have to plan for a bunch of things it’s a Mess but i hope u like this chapter

12. minecraft vs. roblox | masterlist | 14. not funny

more under the cut [sns, wc. 3.1k]

“what the fuck are you doing in front of my house at 10 am?”

“i wanted to see odi.”

choi soobin must be another level of stupid. but then again, you must be too considering how you actually listened to him and opened the front door. he’s dressed in the most basic outfit possible and it pisses you off that he looks a lot more than just presentable.

but you’d rather die than admit that out loud.

“are you going to let me in or…?”

“no,” you smile and he scowls. “have a shitty day!”

you shut the door in his face. or at least, you try to, because he wedges his knee between the door and frame to prevent it from closing. and although he’s successful, he majorly underestimated the force of you slamming it shut because he’s positive that a bruise will now form on his knee due to the impact.

despite the obvious pain on his face, you still glare at him like he’s a piece of gum stuck at the bottom of your shoe. it’s almost pitiful the way he clutches his knee in pain — it’s just a shame that you’re already annoyed at him for disturbing your otherwise peaceful morning. he looks up at you expectantly, like he’s waiting for you to feel bad and invite him inside, but instead you say nothing and wait for him to leave.

“are you done yet?”

“you’re cruel,” he frowns at your unbothered demeanour. “it’s been nearly a month since i last saw him. don’t be so heartless.”

“honestly, i couldn’t care less about how you feel,” you say, hand creeping towards the edge of the door to try and shut it again. “if you wanted to see him you should’ve let me know at least two weeks in advance.”

soobin stands up straight, wincing as he straightens his leg. “yeah well, you would’ve found a reason to avoid me,” he states matter-of-factly, eyes rolling at how you blink at him innocently. “and then before i know it, you’ve kept my son as a hostage.”

“firstly he’s my son now,” you’re genuinely offended by what he says, and he clenches his jaw because he can tell you mean what you’re saying. “secondly, i would never avoid you. what on earth are you talking about?”

“haha very funny,” he deadpans. your eyes meet with his and soobin finds himself in absolute disbelief at how you look like the epitome of purity, as if you weren’t the person who locked him in the school’s supply cupboard because you wanted him to miss his exam and fail. it’s strange though, how your wide doe eyes make his irritation subside and he stares a little longer at your face than he should, but he shakes his head and reminds himself that he’s here to see his hedgehog and not you.

“come on, y/n, please just—“ he stops himself as the smug glint in your eyes makes him realise that he’s begged you for something twice now. he sighs and shuts his eyes. “please just let me see odi.”

“if you were polite from the start, i would’ve let you in straight away,” you say, a little too cheerfully that it throws him off. you open the door a little wider so he can walk through, but not too much so that he still has to open the door himself. you don’t bother to offer him the fancy guest slippers as he removes his shoes like you would to any other guest because, well, he’s choi soobin.

as you shut your front door, he wanders off deeper into your house like he’s been around a million times, which to be honest, he has. but that was a millennia ago and you don’t want to think about that right now. soobin’s apparent comfortability in your own home hurts you slightly because you know that he knows the layout of your house like the back of his hand, and that he recognises most of the furniture arranged here. even so, you pretend to be none the wiser when soobin goes into your kitchen and pours himself a drink, partly because he knows you wouldn’t do it for him, and partly because he’d rather do it himself than bother you any further.

you pretend to make yourself busy as soobin gushes at the hedgehog, or whatever he does with him. you’re not entirely sure why he came over because you’ve heard stories from beomgyu about how odi practically ignores soobin’s existence and does his own thing, so him traveling all the way to your house seems completely unnecessary. the extremely awkward silence that fills the room every five minutes makes you regret letting him in, and the small talk that he uncharacteristically starts here and there makes you want to disappear into thin air.

“so…” he starts, and you freeze in place, dread washing over you. “are you going anywhere this summer?”

you don’t bother replying to him. instead, you just stare at him like he’s got two heads and he stares back at you with equal confusion. it’s the fifth time this has happened in the span of twenty minutes, and for some reason he still goes for it despite the obvious hesitance on your face.

“no offence, well actually full offence, but um, why do you keep talking to me?”

soobin blinks at you in shock. if you saw hurt in his eyes, it’s quickly masked up with a scoff. “forgive me for wanting to be courteous then,” he grimaces and you tilt your head further in confusion.

“no i was just wondering why you had to come here,” you reason, suddenly hyperaware of his feelings. “couldn’t you just, i don’t know, call me or something?”

“then this guy wouldn’t be able to see me,” soobin cups the hedgehog in his hands and brings him up to his face. he’s so cute — the hedgehog, not the man — and you momentarily forget that he shouldn’t be in your home, sitting on the floor of your living room.

“right then,” you say, unimpressed with his reasoning. “how long will you be?”

“wow. you really don’t want me here do you?”

“was i too obvious?” you tilt your head and bat your eyelashes at him. he rolls his eyes and resumes what he was doing, essentially dismissing you, which annoys you slightly because you think it’s supposed to be you who ends the converstion.

thankfully soobin has learned that you would rather endure the awkward silence between you than suffer from any small talk, and so after a few minutes of nothing, you wordlessly make your way to him and drop a plate of fruit on the table beside odi’s cage. it’s a harmless gesture, one that you thought nothing of as you prepared some for yourself, so for a moment you’re taken aback when he stares at you.

“what?” you pop a piece of fruit into your mouth as his eyes flick and forth between the plate and you.

“thanks?” he eyes you cautiously as he reaches for a slice of mango on the plate, wary in case you’ve poisoned it or something along the lines of that. “this is just… fruit, right?”

you’re almost offended by what he says. “what else would it be? rice? soup?”

“i was checking to see if you spat on it,” he clarifies and you frown. “not surprised if you did.”

“and you’re still gonna eat it despite not knowing if i did or not?” you watch as he eats the fruit and shrugs, reaching for more as he swallows.

“don’t care,” he mumbles, mouth full of food. “tastes good anyways.”

“disgusting,” you find it unbelieveable how he’s so content with stuffing his face full of your food, when he has no problem using you as his punching bag. “lock the door on your way out.”

as you make your way to the stairs, you hear him mention something unintelligible. he’s quick to catch up to you and bother you once more. the request he makes is absurd. it makes your brain hurt, but for some stupid reason you comply and let him follow you up the stairs.

letting soobin into your home was one thing, but having him in your room is something else completely. it feels like an invasion of your privacy, but that strange feeling you felt while he fed you snacks during the drive home from the airport has made its way back again, and it leaves you to contemplate your feelings on your own.

you know damn well that if any of your friends were to find out that he came over alone, much less into your room, you would never hear the end of it. yet for some reason, you don’t think much of it as he takes a look around, eyes repeatedly settling on your wardrobe.

“what is it?”

“huh? oh,” he shakes his head as you stare at him with wide eyes. he clears his throat before he speaks. “do you remember the winter event we held two years ago? the one with the bake off challenge?”

your stomach twists again as he forces you to recall the events of that damned fair. it’s not a question specific enough to make you feel sick inside, but you know what he’s alluding to and you can feel your head start to spin.

you see, your little rivalry didn’t necessarily start two years ago, but rather that was during the peak of it — if there was ever such a thing. you’re sure that even the teachers had gotten involved at some point during that time. and yet, although there wasn’t an hour where the two of you weren’t at each other’s throats, when it got too cold and it was just you and soobin alone in the school’s hall preparing for the next day’s award ceremony, he had offered you his fleece. well, more like silently chucked the piece of clothing at you in the most unceremonious manner possible, but you suppose it’s the thought that counts.

it might have taken you several minutes to accept it — several minutes that made soobin feel like dying right then and there — but you took it and put it on nonetheless. did you look nice in it? who knows — soobin refused to look at you wearing his clothes anyways, because he knows that if he did, it would be over for him. but as always, you don’t need to know that.

“yes i do,” you say slowly, praying that he doesn’t repeat the sequence of events that just flashed before your mind. “what about it?”

“nothing,” he shrugs, like what he’s just asked you is something that you discuss daily, which by the way, is far from it. “just wanted to see if you still have my hoodie.”

this is new. you two may have been each other’s sworn enemies back then, but even now that you’ve grown more used to each other in recent years, this relationship is still not something solid enough to reminisce in. his audacity never fails to stun you. sure, things have been more civil in the past few weeks, but this? this is just something else.

you’re back is facing him as you process what he’s just said. “y/n?”

“sorry, but why do you keep bringing it up?” you hope your voice is as firm as you think, and that it doesn’t represent the chaos in your mind.

“bringing what up?” the tone in his voice makes it clear that he doesn’t understand what you’re trying to say. it frustrates you, that he’s so quick to engage with you like nothing’s ever happened, that he doesn’t think twice before giving you souvenirs from abroad like he wasn’t the person who made your school life a living hell.

“do you seriously have memory loss?” you’re facing him now, eyes burning into his with a look that he can’t decipher. it seems like determination, but there’s something else with it that he can’t put his finger on. “stop fucking with me. why are you acting like this is all okay?”

you’re more aggressive that you’d meant to be, and you start to regret it when he furrows his brows like he does when he feels as if he’s been rejected. perhaps you’re being too cruel to suddenly just spring this on him out of nowhere, but it’s been bothering you ever since that phone call two weeks ago, and your brain can’t think of one reason why he pretends like this is the norm.

“well, i just,” he pauses, and you feel your frustration growing as the seconds pass. “wanted to be the bigger person?”

the look on his face has you floored. choi soobin? the bigger person? you doubt he even knows what that means.

“is that even possible?” you wonder out loud, and the sour look on his face fuels your ego. is he being serious about that? who knows. if his personality were an animal, you wouldn’t hesitate to condemn him as a snake.

“let’s just let it go, y/n,” he sighs as he leans back on your desk, ignoring the look you give him. “aren’t we meant to be grown now?”

“well i’m not seeing you ever again after this summer since you’re not going to my uni,” you point out and he finds himself unwillingly agreeing. “i don’t see why we have to sort things out.”

this sudden ‘heart-to-heart’ has you screaming in your head. it’s safe to say that you crossed whatever normal was when he entered your home alone, but with every passing second, you can feel that line slipping further and further away. your words are honest, though, and he can tell, but for some reason he keeps pushing this agenda.

“true, but isn’t it better to end it, like,” he coughs, words suddenly stuck in his throat. he takes a minute to right himself, exhaling before be speaks again. “on a better note? or something like that.”

you have a feeling that beomgyu is behind all this, because now that you think about it, he’s been saying this repeatedly over the past few weeks. still, you find yourself shrugging and slowly nodding your head, which surprises soobin, because he didn’t think you would agree with something that he said.

“no thanks,” you scrunch your nose in disgust as he puts forward his hand to shake yours.

“don’t say that you’re not gonna shake my hand just because you think i have cooties,” he scoffs, rolling his eyes as your face falls because you know he’s seen right through you. “so childish.”

“was not gonna say that,” you mumble, hesitantly slotting your hand into his to prove him wrong. it feels like a crime to have his hand in yours — even if it’s only for less than five seconds —, and as you detach your hands, you hope that yours wasn’t as clammy as you thought they were. “go home.”

it’s obvious that soobin’s amused by your suddenly reserved behaviour. his mouth is twisted into something like a smile while his eyes crinkle as they look at you. but despite your incredibly strong urge to just shove him out of your house so that you never have to see him again, you already agreed to being more civilised around each other. you really need to learn to stop holding grudges though, because it hasn’t even been ten minutes since you shook on it and you feel the regret already crawling in.

“are you not gonna walk me to the door?” he asks, tilting his head. his question is a joke, but it still annoys you nonetheless.

“do you want me to punch you?” you mumble half-heartedly, sinking down onto your bed. you hear him scoff as you lie on your stomach, burying your face into the pillow. “go home, i’m sleepy.”

“it’s literally only eleven thirty,” he points out, and you crane your neck to look at your wrist watch. there’s a pregnant pause after you mumble out incoherent words and reposition yourself on your bed.

“glad you liked the bracelet.”

your head shoots up at his words. when you meet his eyes, you expected to see him all cocky and proud, but for some reason there’s a genuine smile on his face.

weird.

you clear your throat. “yeah, well, it’s cute, i mean, the flowers and stuff,” you mumble, looking anywhere but at him. do you thank him again? you don’t know what to say, especially when he’s staring at you with an undecipherable look on his face.

“that’s nice,” soobin nods his head, speaking after a while. you nod your head too, unsure of what to do now. he waves his hand in the air and walks towards the door. “go back to sleep. sorry that i disturbed you.”

for a moment you’re completely stunned, mainly because a) the choi soobin just said sorry, and b) because he’s suddenly being accomodating. you have to force yourself back into reality as you shake your head.

“no, no, it’s okay,” you reassure him and he presses his lips into a thin line, dimples appearing on both sides of his face. “don’t forget to lock the door on your way out.”

soobin only puts his thumb up as he leaves your room, not forgetting to close the door behind him. you definitely won’t be able to sleep easily now, with the way your mind is swirling with thoughts, but you swear it’s only like that because you’re convinced he’ll forget to shut the door properly. yet when you hear the clicking of the lock from downstairs, it does nothing to ease your thinking. instead, you swear it only gets louder.

you sigh, face planted into the pillow again. you just hope no one knew that he was coming over, because that in itself would just be another can of worms that you’re not ready to deal with and get rid of again.

taglist (open): @bergandysam @beepbopbee @minbit @shwizhies

send an ask to be added to the taglist!

[pinkremedy2515]

Recap and present intro

I’m in junior year now, and i just went back and read all my previous posts, a measly 7 by the way. Apparently they’re from 2022 and onwards if i inferred correctly. Which mean it hasn’t even been that long, huh.

I decided to be just a little more organized about the posts now because i almost had an aneurysm trying to read the last one. That’s almost a year and a half old, huh…

So quick recap of what you, the grateful inquisitive audience, missed; 1. I did my o levels,

2. discovered i was moving from the city i grew up in for my whole life,

3. went on summer vacation,

4. dyed half of my hair hot pink in a show of teenage impulsivity (although it was a thorough meticulous decision),

5. got all A*s on my o levels, missed a rank by 5 marks (or was that 7 marks…)

6. Got stuck in my home city and delayed the move because my dad’s employer decided to be an ass about my dad moving,

7. finally moved in the September of 2023, and moved to the capital city of my country from my beachside home city ( I know it sounds all Hollywood having to move in the middle of high school especially into the ‘BIG CITY’ but i was far from ‘a fish out of water’ I just hate this place)

8. Moved into a small ass apartment, that is a fraction of the size of our previous house, and my room is as small as it is legally allowed to make a bedroom (i know because I searched it up) while my older sister gets to have a much larger room with a balcony too because i lost a coin toss that i suggested to conduct.

9. Broke off a friendship that was nearly a decade old, and really I don’t even know what to make of it

10. almost instantly made friends with the girls in my new class, and made almost all the teachers hate me within the first month if I’m to wrong. This little trope suggests that i am the cool rule breaking type, but let me assure you i am not. The teachers hate me for no good reason, but it doesn’t really matter cause they fucking suck too and i hate them just as much if not more. Although I am in the stem subjects (bio, chem, physics and math) and my science head hates me so I don’t really feel the best about her having direct control of my gpa, but what can a girl do

11. Almost forgot, i went to my cousins wedding halfway across the world, spent buckets of money on the tickets and the dresses cause it was during Christmas, only to look god damn hideous because only divine intervention can help me look anything above perfectly mediocre and average,

12. And ive lost all hope and motivation for my as level, because due to the above mentioned vacation I ended up missing a shit tonne of the syllabus being taught and the teachers didn’t like me enough to reteach me the bits i missed, so i had to haul my ass all the way through my mocks, which i barely passed, and all the way to where i am now.

13. Turned 17 about 2 and a half weeks ago and felt nothing but despair for having reached that age, not because its almost as cliche as 16 but rather because I don’t look forward to the future anymore

SO HERE WE ARE~

Present day me, who just finished bombing her math and mechanics as papers on the first week of may, and i now have exactly 3 days till the next slew of exams which involve three exams in 3 consecutive days, and i really am not as prepared as I should be but I can’t seem to find it in me to haul my ass through it because i freak out and get stressed and end up doing nothing.

I’m very different from last year in that regard, i used to be at the top of my class and aced my subjects and here i am now, barely even passing and standing at the very bottom of what used to be my academic career but is now a wide yawning chasm. I hope to not fuck up everything completely, and just get an A on my AS levels, a passing A would do as well. I really hope god up there is feeling sympathetic to a pathetic stupid teenage girl who is trying to try her best.

I’ve been raised and am at an economic level that has me comfortable but the only future for me is one i make myself; through my academics and hard work, so I am fully aware what’s at stake here but im giving up on myself. The me who fought died one day and I didn’t even have a warning. No heads up, no 2 week notice, and definitely no replacement hired. The worst bit was i spent the whole summer studying and planning to make this the best and most productive year, but all my effort lead to absolutely nothing, and it would be a lie to say my spirit I entirely crushed to smithereens and i feel that i am teetering on the brink of what might be a depressive slump.

It’s currently 2:24 am on the 11th of May as I type this, and I should either be asleep or doing the past paper thats been squished under my iPad-laptop. i might not post this just immediately so the timing probably wont add up. Although im not sure tumblr has a time format or info bit for the posts anyway, at least not from what ive seen.

I missed out on a bunch of other things that happened to me along the way, and a bunch of stuff that’s happening now. But i felt a little encouraged to post because one of my previous posts had a singular like, which may have been an accident and even if it wasn’t, that person probably wont find my blog (if you can call it that) again because they don’t follow me :// which sucks a bit but whatever. Maybe I should take the initiative and follow them… maybe i might…

Anyway ill probably conclude this essay of a post now, but one last thing, i feel the need to change the color scheme and vibe of the whole account again, so ill probably do that in the morning after i wake up and have two consecutive tutoring sessions that make me want to reap my own soul :D

Byyyyeeeee to the worlds quietest audience :)

[umichenginabroad]

Stockholm Week 16: Tate McRae in Stockholm!  

It was my second to last week in Stockholm. I can’t believe that it’s time for me to go back to the US already.  It feels like I’ve been here for two months now… I still have so much more to try and enjoy ;-;

The weather is beautiful now: it ranges from the high 40s to the low 70s but the sun makes it feel like mid 70s! 

4/30 Tue: Cherry Blossoms in Kungsträdgården 

On Tuesday, I had a group presentation for Crime Fiction. We presented a rewrite of the book that we read, The Legacy, for 20 minutes. 

After class, I went to ICA nearby and bought ice cream as a small treat for myself :))

Coca-cola popsicle❤️

Ranting about the cherry blossoms for a few days did bore fruit: we went to see the cherry blossoms in Kungsträdgården.         

Walking on a street full of cherry blossoms was on my bucket list for the longest time – being able to check it off the list in Stockholm was a wonderful experience. They were fully bloomed and the streets were fully packed too. 

I could see happiness  

On top of the cherry blossoms, I got to go out on a nice dinner for my friend’s birthday. We went to Florentine, a popular Italian restaurant in Stockholm.

Their signature drink Florentine on the Beach was fire🔥

The walk back to my house was a new experience due to the sight of hundreds of people wearing the same white marine hat. Apparently, it is a high school graduation tradition where all the graduating seniors where the hat and celebrate after school. Even the way back home was interesting! 

I also spotted wildflowers on the streets on the way back home (I swear they weren’t there before).

Small things make me smile :) 

Tuesday was a day packed with joy! 

5/1 Wed: Food Trial

My friends and I checked out this Korean fried chicken place! We made a reservation for 5 people but had to wait an hour until the food came out… The taste wasn’t what I expected either🥲 Wouldn’t necessarily recommend but they did try their chicken well! 

Monster chicken 

5/2 Thu: TATE MCRAE 

The big day has come – I completely forgot about the Tate McRae concert until a couple of days ago and I got extremely excited since then.ᐟ.ᐟ.ᐟ 

But before the concert: I woke up early (10 am) to do my laundry and saw this beautiful scenery outside the window. 

Our garden is the best no cap < 3

I dressed up both for my final poster presentation for the Engineering Sustainable Environments in Scandinavia core course AND the concert because I had no time to change. 

I was originally planning to miss the last class dinner, but (1) the class ended early and (2) I was convinced by free food. The burger place we went to was the building right next to DIS, so it didn’t consume much time either. 

The burger with sweet potato fries (it was gas) on top of Briska pear cider (I love that thing) was the best combination I could think of. 

Group pic!

I sprinted out of the restaurant not too late after my friends (already at the concert) asked me where I was.  

I made it in time to Avicii Arena: I stood in the line for a good amount of time and went through security relatively quickly.

Once I went inside, I moved upstairs and my friends followed my lead. We had a better view! 

The concert started with Charlieonafriday, who performed for about thirty minutes. He was a very good singer and a rapper! Low key a fan now. 

The intermission after the opening was 45 minutes, and we were doubting if Tate McRae was lost or something. Thankfully, she came out and we enjoyed a full hour of her performance. 

My personal favorites were greedy, exes, and you broke me first. And wow she could dance for real. 

I did not want it to end :((

5/3 Fri

On Friday, I perfected my oral exam script for Swedish. My partner and I pulled together and memorized a 5-minute speech in Swedish with good pronunciation :)  

We were constantly getting 5 minutes and 30 seconds on practices, but when we actually did the exam it somehow got shortened to 5 minutes. 

Nevertheless, it was a success! 

After our exam, we could leave early, so I went thrifting as a treat for myself. I was on a mission to find a brown leather jacket, but it did not happen :(  I do not think it’s happening anytime soon either… 

I almost bought the rabbit version but I stopped myself 

I took a little detour to a park next to our apartment. Cherry blossoms and wildflowers prompted everyone (AND PUPPIES) to come out! 

Spring is making me an outdoorsy person :)

The views from the garden in front of our apartment! I relaxed and absorbed the sunlight for a bit. 

The next post will be devoted to my time in Italy. 

I’ll see you later!

Hey då,

Jiwoo Kim 

Chemical Engineering

DIS Study Abroad in Stockholm, Sweden

[shinners03temptation]

At some point, I am asking why is this happening into my life. Why? But aren't we all. Today I decided to check PRC FB page for my oath taking again.

Just a back story of why I havent had a chance to take my oath taking after my board exam... So originally it was scheduled on December 22, 2023 at Manila Hotel. I was having a hard time to go back again in Manila because of financial problems plus it was December meaning it cost more than the original fare since I cannot afford it and I have plans on the same date, which is my cousins wedding in Bacolod, I decided to postpone it. January came and one of my junior asked me if I would like to join her in upcoming oath taking in Cebu on January 13, it was again a bad timing since it's my lolo's wake and upcoming burial on 16, my relatives are all present and of course we need to be there too. I declined and tell her the reason why I cant go with her. Past after that week, I asked for another update on how it went, my junior told me it was an incorrect date and it was actually on January 25. I didn't know there was even a notice from the official page so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Days past by and ask for another update and got a reply that she successfully had an oath taking. On February, I was asking myself whether there is still an oath taking I can take in and I know from the 3 of us who took the board exam the other one did not have a chance to take the oath as well. So we were messaging and giving updates if there is another oath taking again. It was February 15, I got a message from one of the passer of the board exam asking about the requirements, he said there is an upcoming oath taking in 17. So it was 2 days only and it was in Mindanao kinda far as well as Manila take note we dont know anyone from there so its scary to take risk plus the fare was high since it was rushed. Again, I declined. Here comes March, I tried to check the page on the first week and got nothing. Many attempts to have an update and got nothing. On this day, I decided to check for another update again and guess what, there is an update however the scheduled date was due already. 1 day past due, March 13 at 9:00 AM and it was already March 14 at 10:30 PM. In my frustration, I cried so hard at the coffeeshop. 4 months. It has been 4 months since I'm waiting for that virtual oath taking. I message my colleague about the news. And he knew it way before than I did, I felt betrayed and added into my frustration but then again if I was very calculated in the timeline when they posted it... They have post it 3 days ago so when you calculate it backwards it was around March 10 and on the website it says "The online registration will close 5 calendar days before the virtual oathtaking day." so what was that all about? How can we have time to register if they have posted it after they have closed the registration. Somehow my emotions subsided, I was really thankful for my boyfriend who helped me calmed down.

So I guess now, what I'm going to do is just wait for another scheduled oath taking probably on December. Focus on my career as of now and earn more.

[saso-does-art]

Trigger wanting: these 2 chapter include: Addiction, Drugging, Implied rape, Abuse, MUDER, Ingery: ENKOY AT YOUR OWN RISK

Chapter 2: the yaoyorozu faimly

(trigger warning: implied rape)

(a few months ago)

(hinakos pov)

I smiled as the day finally ended. I was making tea. "You want some?" I asked as Setsuko walked in. She nodded before I put some lsd tablets in. I knew she liked LSD, so I got her addicted to it. I smiled, giving her the tea she passed out after drinking the cup. I pretended to panic, calling 911 after 10 minutes. "Help! My friend overdosed due to her addiction." I lied.

(a week later)

(netsukes pov)

I sighed as I walked into rehab for the 3rd this month. I was almost going to be realized and finally allowed to go to school.

(A month later)

I was walking home before I was pinned to the wall by Dabi. I stared at him, his hands now on me… I don't want to talk about what happened that night.

Chapter 3: the Aquino family

(small note: akua is a childhood friend of both present Mic and Aizawa)

(13 years ago)

(Akua's (akua is Setsukos mother) pov)

"We need to leave," Emilio (my husband) said, holding Kaki by the shirt. At the time, I was having my 2-year-old daughter Setsuko. "What happened-" I started as he instructed me. "NO time to explain," he muttered. I called my friend from elementary school (present mic) and explained it to him. We then immigrated back to Japan. The country I grew up in. Kaki was just 12, and Setsuko was only 2 at the time. When we got into Japan and settled into our new home, troubles arose…

(2 years later)

I watched my baby bleed out. Neva, Emilio killed him… HE KILLED MY BABY. I could feel my life shatter as Neva stopped moving; she stopped breathing, and Setsuko started crying. I tried to calm her, but not before Emilio got to her first. He, using the knife, had cut a slit across her right eye.

(a year later)

(setsukes pov)

I walked with my brother to the house of his friend Touya. Touya greeted us there. As we walked past the rooms, I noticed a young boy with red and white hair (I later found out (at the entrance exam) that the boy was Shoto Todoroki). I had stopped walking with them, and I watched him. He then turned around to notice me. I smiled slightly, walking slightly into the room. I then realized that my brother was gone, so I was going to figure out where he was, but the kid grabbed my arm. I then started to feel my arm burn, the burn hurting more and more, and eventually, I screamed in pain. The scream broke the glass of a vase in the room, and he had let go to cover his ears. I took that moment to back away from him, the burn scar still very visible. I was almost shaking.

(A few months later)

I could hear Kaki and Dad argue in the other room. Then I listened to the front door slam as Kaki ran out. "He is just going to Touyas for the night. He will be back tomorrow, right?" I told myself. The next day, Kaki didn't come back, "he's just taking more time with Touya; he'll be back tomorrow, right?" I told myself. The next day, we were told that Touya died in a fire the day Kaki ran off and that they had not even seen Kaki that night or yesterday.

[tarot-and-stuff]

Hello. I hope you are having a great day. I received low marks for the past two quizzes in a course, so my last chance to pass is if I get a high score in the final examination, which I will be taking next next week. This course is a hard requisite to several courses in the next semester. I cannot afford to be delayed. I just want to know, how should I prepare for the examination and what should I expect? Thank you. Sending you positive light! - K 🐰

Hi! I wish you luck for you final. I totally get it because I've taken some tough college classes trigonometry where the final played a large role. I went ahead and did this in two parts with the first being advice on how to prepare and the second being what to expect.

Prepare Tarot

The first card to come out was the 3 of Wands reversed. This seems to be where you are at now with your efforts so far not paying off like you've hoped.

The second card to come out was the Page of Pentacles. This can often represent a student, which would be you. This has a lot to do with studying and continuing to learn.

The third card to come out was the 6 of Wands. This is associated with being on your way to success and a need to be confident that you can succeed.

Under the deck was the 10 of Pentacles. This is associated with stability. There's also strong connections present with this card, but I feel like it's the stability aspect mostly in this case.

Basically, it seems like you're simply being encouraged to continue studying and to try to believe that you can do well.

To Expect Tarot

The first card to come out for this section was Justice. This has to do with things balancing out. I feel like this basically says to expect that your result will reflect your effort.

The second card to come out was the 6 of Swords. This is associated with making progress and moving to calmer times. Basically, I feel like this represents the period after your exam where you hopefully won't be feeling as stressed.

The third card to come out was the 3 of Swords. This isn't a great card to see come out, since it is associated with pain and disappointment. This may simply be how you're feeling now, since it could be representing the feelings you have due to the stress of your current situation.

Under the deck was the 9 of Swords. Another card that wasn't great to see, but I feel like this one is definitely your current situation. Basically, the stress of this situation is getting to you, which is completely understandable.

I did notice that all of your cards for this portion, minus Justice, were Swords which are strongly connected to the mind. It does seem like your mind will be going through the worst possible outcome scenarios, which is an obstacle that you're being encouraged to try to overcome in the previous portion with that 6 of Wands. That's definitely easier said than done (at least for me since I tend to overthink things).

Pics

[prismatic-bell]

Hi,

This might be a strange question but it's something that's been on my mind recently. Is there any way that gentiles can help Jewish classmates (or any classmates that are religious but not christian) in situations where professors assign homework or exams on holidays? Is that something that we should bring up to professors even if we don't know if anyone in the class celebrates that holiday? Or is there a way that we can support classmates who speak up about needing to given time to celebrate their faith?

I'm sorry if this is awkwardly worded. I just want to know if there's anything I can do in the future to help in those kinds of situations. I don't want to step on any toes, but I also don't want my classmates to feel like they would be on their own if they spoke up. I know it might be difficult to do anything during the pandemic since I don't really know my classmates, so if you have any suggestions as to ways to help after the pandemic that would be great too.

First of all, this is like Allyship 101: “how can I help those who need this help?” So, A+ to you, friend.

The holidays you’re most likely going to run into problems with, at least for Jews (I encourage my siblings from other religions to chime in), will be Pesach and the High Holy Days. Pesach is juuuuuuust before Easter, and I know when I was in college it was quite common to get midterms that week. The High Holy days consist of three days within a ten-day span: Rosh Hashanah, Erev Yom Kippur (which some Jews may refer to as “Kol Nidre,” as this is the main prayer said during that service), and Yom Kippur. You know how there are Christmas and Easter Christians? You never see them in church except on Christmas Eve and Easter morning, but dammit you will always see them on those two days? Yeah, there are Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur Jews. Synagogues will overflow capacity trying to accommodate all who want to attend, and in many cases tickets may be required simply because there aren’t enough seats to safely hold all comers My sister’s synagogue has three chapels, and still has to double up services (as in, every prayer service is performed twice) to accommodate all attendees on these holidays.

I’m Reform, meaning there are a lot of mitzvot I don’t follow. Even so, here are just some of the restrictions I face on Yom Kippur:

--I cannot fast due to medical problems, but I am restricted to very small amounts of plain food (I usually have plain rice and a couple of tablespoons of peanut butter on the side for two tiny meals between services; maybe a small amount of plain chicken). Most people fast from both food and water for 25 hours.

--I can’t wear “nice” clothes. This doesn’t mean I don’t dress up--it means I shouldn’t wear anything that would encourage slouching, lounging, relaxing, etc. The focus of Yom Kippur and Erev Yom Kippur is study, reflection, and repentance--not luxury. You are expected to be uncomfortable. That’s the point.i

--There are five prayer services on Yom Kippur. I’m supposed to attend all of them. (I . . . won’t lie, I often skip the family service. It’s a rehash for the little kids about what Yom Kippur actually is, it’s about 45 minutes long, and it’s usually when I take my second meal.) It comprises about six hours’ worth of prayers, while Kol Nidre evening is about another two. Rosh Hashanah isn’t quite that intense; it’s more like four hours. Again, though, I’m Reform--Orthodox Jews may spend the entire twenty-five hours of Yom Kippur praying.

As you can imagine, the day of and the day after these services, I’m wiped. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to do house chores. I want to rest, and I want to eat things that aren’t plain rice.

So what can you do?

First, I recommend a calendar app. My phone very considerately tells me when the holidays are, because the Jewish calendar is lunisolar and the dates change from year to year. You can also just . . . look up a Jewish calendar online. Keep in mind that the Jewish religious day runs from sunset to sunset, not from dawn to dawn. So for example, according to my phone, today was the first day of Chanukkah. In reality, we lit the first candle last night, because 25 Kislev began at 5:20 on 10 December. Almost all modern calendars will mark the first “full” day of the holiday, not its actual start the evening before, so keep that in mind.

Next, you may wish to ask directly on the first day of class if you see something concerning on the syllabus: “what is your policy for accommodation of religious observance?” IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THAT YOU USE THE WORDS “ACCOMMODATION OF RELIGIOUS OBSERVANCE.” A secular Jew may wish to go home for Pesach even though they don’t believe in the story of the Exodus, and they should be allowed to do that without having to justify it in the same way as all the “well it’s not really about Jesus anymore, it’s a time for family” Christmas-observers, but that phrase up there is a magical phrase that means they are protected from discrimination if they choose to do that. Make the professor tell the entire class what the plan is. If you have an asshole who says they make no exception for religious observance, you can do one of two things: challenge the professor directly (”sir, are you aware that’s against the law?”), or go directly to the dean or principal. Be aware that you may face some backlash from the professor if they’re particularly petty, so keep an organized copy of all assignment rubrics and what you’ve turned in. That way if that backlash comes out in your grade, you can challenge it.

Now let’s say the teacher was thoughtless. I would like to draw a distinction here between “thoughtless” and “malicious” because as an ally, one is much easier to deal with than the other. “Thoughtless” can be approached thus: the prof tells you all the midterm essay will be assigned next Wednesday. You raise your hand and say “Sir? That’s Rosh Hashanah, people might not be here.” Your prof, who was thoughtless, goes “oh. All right, let me see” and looks over his notes and says “then let’s give the assignment next Monday. You’ll have two extra days to work on it, so make good use of them.” That is a good response to a mistake. A malicious response would basically be “too bad, so sad,” and you should go to the dean. Even if there are no Jews in your class, that attitude will 1) dissuade Jews from taking the class in the future and 2) potentially cause a lot of problems for the school, which the dean would really like to avoid.

Finally: if a classmate speaks up and says those words for themselves, and the professor is less than supportive, this is where you’re gonna have to grab onto your ovaries or testicles or whatever your personal body part of great courage is, and get confrontational:

“Professor, we get off automatically for our holiday. She should be allowed to celebrate too.”

Or even, if needed:

“Professor, that is discrimination.”

Keep in mind that last one may net you a very negative reaction if you have to use it. If a professor is nasty enough to go “I don’t give a shit” when presented with the problem in the first place, they may well be nasty enough to yell at you and criticize you in front of the class. Be ready for this, and realize it is not an attack on your character--it’s a reflection of the professor’s. They know they have no argument, so they’ll just try to cow you into silence. Stand your ground. If you are firm in your defense of your classmate, others may step up. Even if they don’t help you in that initial confrontation, they may offer to be witnesses if you take the matter to the dean. Make sure you introduce yourself to your classmate after the fact, and ask if there’s any further support or help they need. Make it clear that you’re happy to help.

Thank you for speaking up and speaking out. Best of luck to you in your studies!

[peralta-guaranteed]

do not mind me I am just here thinking about Jake being the little spoon with Amy while also being the big spoon with Mac and creating the perfect Peraltiago cuddle sandwich

(I do mind you very much anon because I had never thought about that before and oh my god do I need it now)

The sound of Mac's favourite new tv show echoes quietly from the bedroom when Amy steps out of the bathroom in a towel, and as stressed out as she still is after that hot shower she just enjoyed, the sight of Mac and Jake cuddling on her side of the bed is enough to make her shoulders relax, no matter what they've just put behind them. They're here now, safe and sound, Mac's eyes closed shut and his pacifier bobbing away, Jake's hand absent-mindedly stroking over his head, the other one wrapped around his middle to hold him close while he stares at the television screen across the room with hazy eyes.

-*-

They've all had a pretty hard and frankly scary week. Amy'd already warned Jake that she would probably not be home much to help out at all, gearing up for a major meeting and discussion panel with several higher-ups she was trying very hard not to panic about, and she was more than relieved that Jake had taken it all in stride even when daycare called in as well, to tell them that Mac's usual two days a week would have to be cancelled due to another outbreak.

And then Mac had gotten sick anyway, so sick that Jake lost his nights to sitting up with him as well, as Amy tiptoed in and helped as much as she could - she'd gotten maybe 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night, barely able to make herself presentable for work in the mornings, but she could tell from Jake's haggard looks every morning as she kissed him goodbye for the day that he'd gotten even less.

It was enough to make that week one of the few she underscored with a harsh black line in her monthly planner, but she added a red line underneath on thursday, when Jake called her at work - something he rarely ever did, sticking to texts she could choose to ignore until later if she was too busy - to tell her he wasn't taking any more chances and bringing Mac to the ER after the morning had brought another intense round of throwing up, 5 blown out diapers in under 10 minutes and a fever that made the super-smart kid thermometer she got them blast out a rather terrifying warning beep.

Seeing her baby with an IV in his arm as she raced into the ER after giving Holt the quickest explanation she could, quietly sniffling and sucking on a freeze pop Jake was holding for him while also hugging him in his lap, told her he made the right call before the pediatrician coming over to speak to her ever could.

-*-

"He needs more fluids than he could drink right now." Jake explained what the doctor had already said when she came over to kiss both him and Mac on their foreheads, a tired sigh from the both of them in response. "But his fever is already down from the medicine they gave him."

They were allowed to take him home for the night, luckily, after his fever had gone down some more and the nurses had made sure he'd kept at least one meal in, with another big bag of medicine and 'What To Do If...' instructional booklets Jake was reading out loud for her as she drove them home. Jake was holding onto Mac's foot in his car seat like a lifeline, even as his little buddy dozed on and off from the stress of the ER and so many foreign people around him, lifted him into his arms more carefully than ever to carry him up the stairs to their apartment, and Amy knew he was not going to just put him down into his crib-converted toddler bed, nor would Mac let him, the way he clung onto his shoulders with a sad little whine in his throat from the exhaustion of the past days.

So she'd switched on the bedroom tv for some comfort - screen time rules be damned in this case - while Jake got Mac into some fresh pjs, took him just long enough so that Jake could get into sweats as well, and promised to take over for him after her shower so he could jump in, too.

-*-

But she doesn't believe he's going to take her up on that offer as she sees them side by side on the bed now, Mac's back pressed firmly against Jake's chest as he curls around the little guy.

Everyone likes to be the little spoon. It makes you feel safe.

Mac is fast asleep now, as safe as he could ever be. On a normal day, she'd probably think about lifting him out of Jake's arms to put him to bed in his own room, but she'd rather sleep there herself than to break up their little bubble of quiet.

"You know you can turn it off once he's asleep." She whispers instead after getting her own PJs on, climbing onto the free side of the bed carefully.

"Beep and Boop are gonna explain why we need to recycle next." Jake mumbles as an answer when she leans over his side, strokes through his messy hair as she reaches for the remote on the bedside table.

"Your wife should not need to explain why you need to take the chance to sleep when you can after this week." She presses a kiss to his temple as the screen switches off.

"I feel like I've forgotten how to do that." Jake sighs, and she can see the exhaustion on his face, the lines around his mouth and bags under his eyes that actually make him look his age for once. "What if Mac wakes up again? I don't think he ate enough, and-"

"If he wakes up, you'll wake up. You always do." She says in the most soothing voice she can muster, her hand not stilling in his hair as she watches his eyelids flicker. "And even if you don't, I'm still here to wake up too."

Everyone likes to be the little spoon. It makes you feel safe.

She slides up to him without moving her hand from his nape, nestles against his back as he sighs once more, deeper and calmer than before. One of his hands lets go of Mac and settles on her thigh instead, wrapped around his hip to really stay close.

"I'm gonna call in sick tomorrow. Holt will understand." She mumbles against his shoulder where her head rests, her fingertips scratching along the very edge of his hairline as her other arm comes around his waist, finds his hand on Mac's tummy to interlock their fingers against his soft, even breaths.

"Love you." Jake mumbles in reply, and his voice is halfway into dreamland, she can tell from its cadence alone, but she still answers.

"Love you too."

She spends a moment longer awake, feeling the steady breathing of the two most important people in her world under her hands, before her eyes fall closed as well.

-*-

None of them have moved even an inch when she blinks awake first in the morning, and Jake growls in his sleep when she twists around to reach for her cellphone on the bedside table, so she's quick to settle back against him once she's sent off a sick-call text to Holt and receives, weirdly enough, a thumbs up emoji as a reply and nothing else.

There's a much more expected follow up of "Dear Amy, I hope you and your family will feel better soon. Give Jake my best. Sincerely, Deputy Comissioner Raymond Holt" when she wakes up again a few hours later, and Jake makes no noise in his sleep this time, when she sneaks around to the side of the bed were Mac is smiling at her wide awake. She lifts him out of Jake's hug as only she ever could without waking him, and they share a lazy, tummy-friendly breakfast before Jake pats into the kitchen with his eyes half-closed and hugs them both from behind before getting himself a massive cup of coffee.

"Did you sleep okay?" She asks with a smile as the cup lifts into the air as he downs it.

"You never sleep badly as the little spoon, Ames." He grins softly before kissing her, Mac's hand slapping onto his cheek from her lap to keep them from completely getting lost in their kiss.

"But I did dream about Beep and Boop making me sit through an exam about recycling and I completely failed."

[cheri-translates]

Hello cheri! How is your day? Im a fellow gavin stan but recently there is a guy stealing my attention and its shaw hahaha bt i still love gavin my 1st love on game. anyway on your opinion how did mc fell for shaw? And when shaw finds out he likes mc? Thank you ❤

(´･ᴗ･ ` ) Hello Anon! My day is great after receiving this interesting yet challenging question~ The development of a relationship requires the involvement of both parties, so I ended up discussing both questions simultaneously!

Here are the short answers to your questions, but do note that these are just my personal opinions:

1. She uncovered and accepted his complexities

2. Exciting Moment Date

A summary of the Shaw x MC dynamics can be found in these lines from Exciting Moment Date: 

Let’s dive deeper into each line.

-

1. “Emboldened by the straightforward response, I couldn’t help but move closer to him.”

For this, we have to chart the development of MC’s impression of Shaw across the dates.

Shaw’s first event (i.e. Night Fire) took place one week after MC entered the Winter World. In a world where nobody else recognised her, it was perfectly natural for MC to gravitate towards Shaw despite not knowing him well:

At the same time, her instincts cautioned her to stay away from him. After all, how good could a person be if he seemed to dye his hair in a flamboyant colour, wore a riveted jacket, and handed out fake identities like it’s nothing?

Her instincts also warned her that he was the one who attempted to strike Victor in Ch 10 of the main storyline:

At this point, she was likely experiencing two conflicting emotions. On one hand, she was very dependent on him and filled with gratitude for the emotional and practical help he gave her. 

In a world where she had no idea how to proceed, Shaw’s straightforwardness and self-assured nature likely provided her a huge sense of comfort.

At the same time, her instincts sounded the alarm bells in her head.

But being the kind and good-natured MC she is, she continued sticking around with Shaw and was even concerned for his well-being. 

Within the span of one day in One-Day Date, she didn’t just move closer to him physically, but also learnt that he’s actually a graduate student in Loveland University who takes his exams seriously. She also learnt that he’s a talented bass player, and also talented in graffiti. 

She learnt that perhaps there’s greater substance to this young man than she originally thought. And this led to her curiosity being aroused - what more could she uncover about this mysterious man?

One glaring commonality in Shaw’s early dates is that MC asks A LOT of questions. Just as Shaw was intrigued by MC, MC was equally intrigued by him, and actually expressed it even more clearly.

There are too many questions to list down, so here are Shaw’s reactions to them instead:

In the Rosa Rubus event:

In the Genuine or Fake Call from Seeking Date:

In Exciting Moment Date:

MC can’t help but draw nearer to him.

-

2. “The music was being played at a low volume. But because Shaw was wearing only one earphone and the room was quiet, I could still hear the sound of music coming from the other earphone.”

As mentioned at the start, both parties needed to take a step for the relationship to develop successfully. Hence, it didn’t matter if MC barraged Shaw with questions if he wasn’t receptive to them. 

He needed to take the initiative to “wear only one earphone” so that MC was able to understand him through the other. At the same time, MC needed to listen carefully to the “low volume” of Shaw’s genuine feelings.

To elaborate on the above paragraph, we have to understand the way Shaw operates.

In a recent Ask where someone asked about his personality, I mentioned that he’s straightforward like Gavin yet mysterious like Lucien. This might come across strange because how could such a contradiction exist?

But that’s exactly how Shaw is. The reason why Shaw behaves like this is due to a mix of nature and nurture. 

He’s naturally impetuous (e.g. drawn to adrenaline-stirring activities such as skateboarding, performing rock, sneaking into places he shouldn’t be sneaking into). But he was taught by experience and in the study of archaeology to be patient.

Basically, this mixture of nature and nurture results in push-pull dynamics when it comes to Shaw, and a beautifully crafted slow burn where Shaw has to grapple with his feelings for MC. I’ve done a post on his early feelings for MC which you can check out here!

[PUSH] In One-Day Date, he asked her out yet left her to dry:

[PULL] Afterwards, he invited her to indulge in his hobby, and even asked her keep her art on the wall even though he insulted it 5 seconds ago:

[PULL] In Exciting Moment Date, he wanted to spend time alone with MC:

[PUSH] But he didn’t have a concrete plan on what they’d do:

[PUSH] He made it seem like holding hands wasn’t a big deal:

[PULL] But he vehemently refused to let go:

[PUSH] In Exciting Date, he closed himself off:

[PULL] But relented soon afterwards:

Remember how I mentioned before that MC tended to barrage Shaw with a ton of questions in his earlier dates? Interestingly, Shaw didn’t actually mind them.

We see this in his Genuine or Fake Call from Seeking Date:

And also in his Future Bass Call from Exciting Date:

Deep down, Shaw wants to be understood. He wants to be heard. But he needs someone who’s thick-skinned enough to handle his sharp tongue, and to care enough to understand the hidden meaning behind his words, whether said or unsaid. I’ll return to this point at the end.

And at the same time, MC listens. Aside from asking questions about his present motivations, she also wanted to know about his past, and about him as a person:

Anger reveals a lot about a person’s true concerns, so let’s break down this particular line when MC went off on a little rant about Shaw:

In other words, “You’re a contradiction and I can’t comprehend how your mind works. I’m feeling frustrated because I can’t seem to understand your thought process. I wish you would stop disagreeing with me because I want to be on the same wavelength as you are. I really want to understand you."

-

3. “To my surprise, it was an instrumental - slow, deep, soft, mixed with the sound of rain.”

While Shaw engages in this this pull-push tango with MC while she tries to understand him, she is surprised when she sees that there’s more to Shaw than his bravado.

In One-Day Date, she notices his vulnerability:

In Seeking Date, she gets a glimpse of -

His seriousness:

His quietness:

His kindness in the way he kicked the stone away to prevent others from tripping over it:

His meticulousness, albeit slightly delayed:

In Exciting Date (including the prologue), she guesses that there’s more depth to Shaw that she realised:

She is also a recipient of his kindness:

Again and again:

-

4. “Gingerly, I moved another step toward him for a clearer listen.”

These traits drew her closer to him. She started trusting him without even realising it.

In Seeking Date:

In the prologue of Exciting Date:

She also picked up the way he speaks in the Rosa Rubus event and Exciting Date (and even more so in future CN content):

How did Shaw respond to MC’s incessant drive to know him more? He imbibed the words of his mentor:

He was very patient.

He tested her tenacity in running errands as his informant. He tested how well she kept to her promises. He tested how much she cared about the Dragonfly Eye bead he gave her. He tested how much she cared about not making a fool of Isolated on stage.

He also took his sweet time grappling with why he was inexplicably drawn to her, which manifested in the form of the push-pull dynamics mentioned earlier in Point 2. 

Was he simply an observer toying with MC? Was he simply deriving amusement from MC’s reactions?

And after all that testing and waiting, he finally knew for sure:

Shaw not only offered to let MC into his world. 

He also carved out a space in his world for her.

And that’s when the Shaw x MC ship sailed.

[redwhitebreeze]

Okay, recap of the last 2 hell weeks

Monday last week a repairman fell from the first floor of our house to a car in the house, I was holding the ladder for him and even hurt my arm trying to hold him, thankfully the guy didn’t suffer serious injuries but we had to pay the car’s windshield and I lost a ton of time between dealing with it and the shock of seeing the shit up close.

Wednesday I had both a Latin presentation and an exam, I didn’t study because I forgot that was the day of the exam and because I was still shaken from the monday events so I failed it. The presentation was a solid 7/10, then on this monday I had another whole exam and fortunately I passed since it was online and had all day to answer it.

My webcam died and I can repair it but I don’t have the necessary tools so no face reveal on online classes for now, also I had an assignment due today which I kept leaving until now, then today when I was all ready and primed to do it, one of my older sisters had a surgery on the knee so a lot of chores were left to me, then I had to go get one of my dogs vaccinated but they didn’t tell me right the time for the appointment so I just ended giving the dog a walk, I was tired and pissed off from the heat and got into a little fight with my elder sister, then when I was asked to clean some stuff I just went “nope, I can’t keep with this shit” and went away for my ice cream to recover. I got the dog to the appointment then I forgot I had to go with my mom to a meal with her... colleagues? friends? dunno some people, wasted time in there because I arrived late and only to eat.

Walked back home, finally finished and sent the assignment and I am unwinding with some arknights.

I survived this horrible day, I think the worst part of it was the constant heat. But thankfully tomorrow is SATURDAY CHILLING DOST NOT @ ME FOR I AM CHILLING

[cosmicpines]

code july day 1 - future

au where jeremie's anti-xana program didn't work, taking place half a year after.

“Do’ya think we should start future-proofing our whole situation?” Odd was the first one to speak out loud in at least a half an hour, his voice echoing around the computer lab.

It was late. Not just “it’s a school night, we should turn off the Playstation” late, but “sunrise is in an hour” late. Ulrich, Jeremie, and Aelita were crowded on the couch – a fairly new addition to the lab that William and Odd had dragged over a mile to the factory after finding it on the street, a several-hour long affair that left them both sore for a week – blearily staring at chunky school-loaned laptop screens with piles of overdue library books on the floor in front of them. Odd and William were across the room, hunched over an oversized posterboard, surrounded by an accoutrement of Odd’s art supplies and printed out sheets of paper. What was keeping them up was potentially world-ending, but not in the usual way; instead of an evil AI, it was a history project due at 10 AM.

It wasn’t entirely their fault they didn’t start earlier – saving the world was a full-time job, afterall – but it’s not like they could give an excuse to Mr. Fumet that he would have believed. As the clock ticked over to 4, the prospect of having to pull the trigger on a return trip to finish loomed over them. They had already done it once, blearily uploading PowerPoint slides to the supercomputer to save them, giving Yumi an apologetic phone call in the morning. She was used to the disorienting resets at this point, having done them for half a year after graduating and moving across the country, but they usually texted ahead of time to warn her. She was sympathetic over the phone – she always was – but she was definitely irritated about having to retake an exam. They didn’t want to put her through that again and, besides, they couldn’t exactly keep the poster board from getting erased to time.

“Future-proofing the fact half of us might fail history?” Ulrich grumbled in response from across the room, leaning against the armrest of the couch. His eyes were glazed over in a stupor as he clicked idly around on the screen.

“Ulrich, are you done with your slides yet?” Aelita spat at him, now that the silent spell was broken, “I want to start stitching them together.”

“Uh… no.” Ulrich glanced at her, subtly turning his screen away from her piercing gaze, “Gimme ten more minutes? I’m almost there.”

Aelita clicked her tongue, probably remembering the last promise of the slides “in ten minutes.” She turned to her left and nudged Jeremie, “How about you – oh my god, Jeremie, can you focus?”

“Huh?” He looked up, and guiltly alt-tabbed back to a blank PowerPoint slide. “Sorry, I was just… I had a breakthrough about the bug in the Skid and I was…” He trailed off under her glare, “Sorry.”

Aelita clutched the side of her head, groaning. “Is it too late to go back to living on Lyoko where I don’t have to care about World War I and don’t need sleep?”

“Me too, thanks.” William muttered at Odd’s side, aggressively erasing a sentence on the poster, “Being XANA’s slave was less painful than this.”

He let out a bitter laugh, then raised his head, half smirk fading at the frozen-in-terror looks on his friend’s faces, “Sorry. Too soon?”

Odd, as he so often did, interrupted the awkward silence before people could make it worse, “Future-proofing us, is what I meant. Thanks for asking!” Nobody humored him as the typing across the room started back up and William started writing again, “Look, I’m just saying; we’re not getting any younger.” He brandished a red marker, filling in bubble letters on the top of the poster, “Yumi graduated. We’ve only got a semester left at Kadic –,”

“Could just all repeat a year like I did.” William grimaced. “And might again.”

Ulrich snorted, “Odd and I are probably on track for that.”

“Cheers,” William said, raising his pencil like a glass, without looking up, “Join the failure club.”

“BUT,” Odd interrupted, “Assuming we don’t! Because this presentation is going to be incredible,” That one earned a snort from everyone in the room (which was fair), “We’ll need someone who can do our jobs if we have to leave the good fight. Lyoko Warriors, the Next Generation! Kadic’s Next Top Lyoko Warriors!” He chuckled at himself, standing up, “We should put an ad in the paper: ‘Want a challenging, world-altering job? Come down to the abandoned factory!’” He hummed to himself, tapping his chin, “Our criteria would have to be strict. Can you imagine getting someone like, I dunno, Johnny? So, Johnny. Please, tell me: what’s your greatest fear? Giant crabs, you say? Why yes, that’s both oddly specific and also a dealbreaker. Next!”

Odd looked up, laughing, waiting for his friends to join in – Ulrich telling him he was being dumb, Aelita offering some other students and joking with him about their interviews, William making a snide remark about how he didn’t get an interview, a silent, but appreciative smirk from Jeremie – but got nothing. Jeremie’s head was buried in his laptop, and Aelita was – Aelita was glaring at him?

“What?” He asked her, but she said nothing, just raised an eyebrow in a you know what’s wrong look. Odd clearly didn’t, and turned to Ulrich for a clue, but Ulrich wasn’t giving him anything; he was just back to sulking, staring at his laptop. Odd ran through what he said again in his head, trying to find the offending phrase, when William punched him in the leg. “Hey –,” Odd started, ready to give a snappy retort, before seeing William was urgently tapping at the poster, where he’d just written something. Odd crouched down to read it.

you’re upsetting jeremie.

Odd glanced back at Einstein across the room, whose face was impassive, just typing away. Looking closer, though, he could see Jeremie had all the appearances of someone trying valiantly to pretend they weren’t upset – hunched shoulders, scrunched up face, not a single glance away from the screen. Aelita had stopped glaring to put a hand on Jeremie’s shoulder, but he shrugged it off.

Ugh. Odd sighed, wondering if he would have to apologize for just trying to lighten the mood. How was anything he said upsetting to Jeremie? He reached over for a pencil to respond to William, scribbling down on the poster.

Can’t he take a joke?

idk. Guess he thinks you’re blaming him.

Blaming him?? For what???? bro when did I even say anything like that??

you didn’t. don’t bro me bro. not my fault

Odd underlined his first bro, giving William a smile. William rolled his eyes before rubbing out their conversation with an eraser. Odd turned back to his coloring job and took a breath, surprised to see it come in shaky. It’s not your fault he’s upset, he thought to himself, pulling the cap off his marker. It’s fine. He leaned over to finish his coloring before noticing his hands were shaking. He clenched them, angrily. It wasn’t his fault Jeremie was upset. He was fine. Not his fault if Jeremie wanted to over-react. He’ll get over it and… where were the scissors?

He dug around their supplies for them, then, picking up a pile of pictures of historic figures, streaked from the bad library printer, took a pair of trembling scissors to extracting them. They were nearly done. One more section and they’d be done. One more and they could go to bed and Jeremie would get over whatever he was upset about and it was fine and it would all go away and it was fine it wasn’t his fault and –

“I’m working as hard as I can,” Odd felt a bit in his stomach open up as Jeremie spoke in a quiet, bitter voice. Odd stared pointedly down at the poster, blinking rapidly to try and assuage the pressure building behind his eyes, “I know we screwed up by not finishing before Yumi graduated, okay? I’m just… It’s a lot to figure out and I’m trying?! Is that not enough for – No. No, I know it’s not enough – I know I’m keeping us from having a normal life and it’s my fault William had to repeat a year and… and I –,” Jeremie’s breath caught, and Odd finally dared to turn his eyes to him, seeing his friend aggressively rubbing his eyes under his glasses, “I – I don’t mean to – look! It’s hard, alright?! It’s hard and I – I’m just so tired all the time and I’m sorry that we’re still awake for this too and that I –,” His voice finally broke as he started crying in earnest, his fist coming down on the side of the couch. Odd wanted to turn back to his work and brush it off, but the guilt clenching his stomach wasn’t letting go.

Hesitantly, Aelita put her hand on his shoulder again, “Jeremie…” but he shook it off again, turning away from her. She persisted. “It’s not your fault. We know you’re working –,”

“And it’s not enough! I’ve been working at this for years and I just I can’t come up with anything to defeat XANA –,”

“You had a lot of other things you needed to do first.”

He didn’t mean to, Odd was sure, but Ulrich’s eyes flickered to William for just a moment, and William’s eyes narrowed.

“Oh, are we doing this now?” William grumbled, dropping his pencil. “Jeremie, you’re fine. Look, I’m sorry. Again. You don’t think I don’t regret every moment that I didn’t listen like a fucking idiot –” Jeremie, despite being wracked with tears, winced at the swear, earning a brief hint of a smile from Odd, “ – and got myself captured? Who then was a thorn in your asses for months? No. I get it. You’d probably be rid of XANA already if it wasn’t for me; you’ve made that crystal clear.”

“That’s not what I –,” Aelita glared at him, “You of all people should understand that I would never blame you for being trapped on Lyoko.”

“It’s not you that is. It’s him.” He jerked his thumb at Ulrich, who glared back at him.

“I’m not,” Ulrich muttered, “Cut it out.”

“Oh yeah? What did that look mean then, huh?”

“I didn’t –,”

“You blame me, and we all know it. You’re just butt-hurt over Yumi still, even though you had plenty of chances –,”

“Okay, that’s it.” Ulrich sat up straighter, “Maybe you’re still using Yumi as a scapegoat in all our arguments, but I’m done with that. Maybe I was an ass to you before because of her, but I don’t blame you for XANA, William. I never have. I was over it before you even joined,” He scowled at the ground, Jeremie’s crying filling the brief silence. “It was probably my fault you got captured in the first place. I wasn’t there because I had to talk to my stupid Dad and it was my job to tell Odd and I didn’t make sure – hell, even before that! Who was it that couldn’t protect Aelita back when XANA escaped from the supercomputer in the first place? If she hadn’t been alone, the Scyphozoa wouldn’t have gotten her, and XANA wouldn’t have escaped, and we would have been done.”

“Come on,” Aelita crossed her arms, turning away from Jeremie to the boy on her other side, “You’re being ridiculous. Half of that isn’t your fault.”

Odd wanted to chime in that it was Sam’s fault she didn’t listen to Ulrich, but his voice was still missing in action, his throat tight and unresponsive.

“I should have been able to protect myself,” Aelita continued, “It wasn’t your responsibility –,”

Jeremie laughed suddenly, hurt and bitter, “Protect yourself how? You couldn’t protect yourself because I was dragging my feet on giving you a proper weapon –,”

“We’ve talked about this!” She said, “We agreed it was more worth your time to work on an antivirus!”

“For a virus that didn’t exist! If I had just double checked –,”

“Double checked what? The faulty data you were being fed? There was nothing you could have done! If you want to blame anyone, blame me. Maybe it – maybe helping me made sense at first, when things were able to be stopped at a moment’s notice. But then even when you got me to Earth it wasn’t over, and things got worse, things got more dangerous – when we realized XANA could escape? That we couldn’t just turn it off with a switch? That – that should have been it.” Her voice dropped as she took a shaky breath, “You should have just let me turn the supercomputer off.”

“You were ALWAYS worth the risk, Aelita!” Odd finally snapped, terror shooting through his heart at the broken look on her face, the implications of her words, “You… you matter to us more than anything! Look, I’m sorry for bringing this all up, alright? I thought we could just joke around about running Lyoko Warrior interviews! I didn’t mean to get everyone upset. And speaking of! Jeez! All of you are such downers on yourselves! There’s like, a billion different things that could have happened!” He held out a hand, ticking them off, “Maybe William might not have gotten captured and instead XANA got Yumi or anyone else! Maybe, I dunno, Ulrich saved Aelita temporarily but then XANA tossed him in the digital sea! Maybe Jeremie could have noticed that Aelita didn’t have a virus sooner, and XANA just made a move sooner! Maybe – maybe – maybe if you had just let Kiwi be virtualized normally and not fuse with me he would have been a great Lyoko Warrior and would have bit the Scyphozoa and killed XANA! We don’t know, alright? I’m just trying to say that – ugh, forget it! Sorry! Jeez!”

Odd rubbed at his eyes, surrendering to the frustrated and exhausted stream of tears that leaked out of them. All of them, all of this – he kept trying to play superhero, to pretend that everything was going to be alright like in the movies, but in his heart he had to admit that this was starting to feel futile. Aelita’s virus, XANA’s escape from the supercomputer, William’s capture, Jeremie’s first botched attempt at his anti-XANA program, Franz Hopper’s sacrifice, Yumi’s graduation, their failure to stop space station from falling, Jeremie’s second anti-XANA program getting stolen by the AI, and now the looming threat of their own graduation… he wanted to be joking about needing to interview new Lyoko Warriors, really, but if graduation took them away from the factory… away from each other…

A hand landed on his shoulder, he realized he didn’t need to know who it was to press his own on top of it, to squeeze it and feel loved, as more hands, more friends, found their way to his other shoulder, to his back.

“I’m sorry, Jeremie,” he said, “And everyone else. I didn’t mean to –,”

“Don’t,” came a muttered reply from Jeremie, “We’re all acting tired and stupid. I shouldn’t have yelled. I knew you didn’t mean it.”

Odd let out an exhausted laugh, rubbing his eyes of the last of the tears, looking up and seeing his friends around him, “How late is it?”

“Too late,” Ulrich replied, pulling his phone out of his pocket, “We’ve got… three hours until classes start.”

A collective groan broke the spell over the room. Odd looked under his feet to the almost-finished-poster. Silently, all of them returned to their working positions. Odd kneeled down to finish gluing down the last of the faces to the poster. As the lull of busy work started taking over his mind, William nudged him.

“Sorry, I, uh…” William looked uncharacteristically bewildered, “This must have happened while I was – did you say Kiwi fused with you?”

[farwestlinguist]

I'm in my first year of undergrad and managing my time has honestly been kicking my ass. do you have any tips? 😭

i had terrible time management until my last semester of undergrad--

so pretending this is me speaking to 18 year old bling (because i didn't actually do any of this until my 20s):

list out all your assignment / homework / paper / presentation deadlines [and mark them in a calendar 2~ days ahead of their actual due date]

observe yourself for a week or two: what times of day do you feel most capable/productive? what factors contribute to completing less/more work? are you getting enough sleep? are you fueling your body enough (read: not 'well', i'm not interested in diet culture)? are you involved in too many extracurriculars/prioritizing too much?

pencil in free time for YOURSELF. no academic or work or personal duties allowed in that time--rest and relax during those periods, and don't be afraid to keep to those times (and not let people encroach upon those boundaries). i dearly, dearly wish that i valued myself more in undergrad. you are not a cog.

don't force yourself to work until you drop. a lot of people follow "if it's not done by 10 pm, it's not getting done today". that time is arbitrary, but i value my sleep over stressing because of exams/deadlines. :-]

i hope this helps you out, and congratulations on starting college!

[r-ene]

days 4 to 6 of 10 days preparation for finals week

it hasn't been easy trying to squeeze in study sessions during this holiday break - on the 31st, i had to cook all our food for new year's eve due to an unfortunate event and on the 1st of january, i had to spend the whole day at a hospital to accompany my mom (everyone was so nice at the hospital we went to, i actually made a friend it made it easier for me to do all the things i needed to and they took care of my mom very well + it's cheaper compared to the hospital we usually go to)

nevertheless, i did my best to squeeze in some studying :)

day 4, 12.30.21

subject: fundamentals of respiratory therapy i

had a slump with studying especially with just notes, so i just watched all the youtube videos our professor used as reference material for airway clearance therapy and hyperinflation therapy + made some notes and transcriptions for future reference and additional review material

day 5, 12.31.21

subject: biochemistry

i'm not so sure how our exam will be with only carbohydrates and carbohydrate metabolism as the topics discussed and having 2 more topics haven't been discussed and no update on whether those will be included so i just studied the presentations for carbohydrates + carbohydrate metabolism then read a bit on nucleic acids with our reference book

day 6, 01.01.22

subject: microbiology

i brought with me my reviewer for microbiology at the hospital and during waiting times, i study the reviewer and whenever i can't concentrate, i just watch the piping the hospital has where medications are being transported to, i think, the emergency room for covid patients

also, luna very much enjoyed, once again, the fireworks !! at first she was scared but then she got so hyper and she was so happy watching the fireworks and got really tired afterwards so there, sleeping baby while we watch home alone 2 :)

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