#i have many feelings for the episode that I can't articulate so have an art instead!

[s2pdoktopus]

Ritsu accepting all of his brother, even the part that he rejects. I love him so much. Such a good brother <3

[welcometogrouchland]

I'm on hiatus from thinking for the next while. Discursive and analytical fandom practices I love you so so much you are in everything I do, including the silliest of headcanons and comics but FUCK I am not equipped to think about. Anything right now

[taylorswiftstylequestions]

omfg i'm sorry to rant but i NEED a sympathetic person to hear this. i like the every single album podcast more than most swifties, but today's ep -- and the last few -- are driving me insane. i am so fucking sick of hearing nathan and nora wring their hands over what joe might deal with. all harassment is bad, but i am done pretending that jake g and john mayer went through….any kind of wringer? they had like...a semi-awkward couple of weeks? jake is still a mega a-lister and john mayer is widely considered to be one of the greatest living guitarists. fuck, what mayer did was outright predatory -- and he's done it to multiple women -- and lbr, he lives 99% of his life totally unperturbed by it. he's not losing gigs or status in the places that matter to him; i suspect a lot of swifties aren't aware of this but i'm a guitar nerd, and uh, yeah, he's considered a living god and no one gives a shit what he did to taylor. and literally everyone woman in the public eye, including taylor, goes through worse every single fucking day, even at their heights of popularity. i don't know how to deal with hearing nathan and nora worry about :(((( omg what will joe go through :((((( when he's never going to have disgusting ai porn of himself explode across twitter on a random weekday. maybe i feel this strongly b/c i work in games, where hordes of male fans regularly ruin random women's lives because they animated a female character wearing a t-shirt instead of a string bikini, but i can't deal with this anymore. these men are fine. lots of people get mad at them, but it's because they did truly shitty things to her and she refused to absorb it silently. then it breaks, and their lives go on.

---

I feel like Nora really articulated what Anon was trying to say the other day about along the gist of "I hope something really bad happened to justify all of this." Interesting perspectives! Btw I just want to be super clear that I don't think Taylor or anyone has to justify anything like that! Just thought it was interesting how Nora put it in the latest episode and T's power is the unusual part of this equation.

---

In a very classic "I thought the two of you should meet!" re: today's The Ringer / Every Single Album pod episode.

I will say I read both of these messages before listening to the episode myself and tbh I think Nora ultimately landed in a pretty middle and reasonable place (it started out pretty rocky though) by the end of the episode. My understanding is she ultimately felt like Taylor has every right to tell the story that she wants / needs to tell and the work will speak for itself. That this is Taylor going face to face with the elephant in the room and (probably - we don't know obviously) not obfuscating the reality that we all saw play out in real time behind 'fictionalized' half truths roleplayed by semi-imaginary characters. And at the end of the day the (likely - AGAIN WE DON'T KNOW) reality is that she's prepared to walk through the narrative that is this pressure cooker storyline many are waiting with baited breath for which is the deterioration of her most significant relationship to date.

All that to say is that I think both of these points are incredibly valid. I personally have a lot of feelings wrapped up in it that do tend to come down more on the side of it's strange that the default position is this desire to sign up as first in line defence attorney for a man when the crime as we know it is 'woman writes her life into art'.

Nora interestingly noted that there's a "pressure for this album to come with receipts" (paraphrase) based on this (fan) hyped up narrative of something sinister having gone awry that this album will pull the curtain back on. And if it fails to do that, enter said self-appointed attorneys.

[hotwaterandmilk]

No Accounting for Taste

I've never been accused of having "good taste" when it comes to, well, any type of media. However, when it comes anime/manga I find I'm accused of being contrarian or ignoring genuinely "good" titles in favour of "bad" ones fairly often.

While that's not exactly groundless, it doesn't paint the full picture of what I find interesting and why it intrigues me so I thought I'd write about it a little.

I like a lot of popular, agreed upon "good" titles where a masterful artist or team or artists executes a beautiful vision that may not get everything right, but still manages to tick the majority of boxes and leave the audience remembering the experience for years to come (something like Shoujo Kakumei Utena or Cowboy Bebop, for example).

However, these series don't tend to be the ones I obsess about and collect things from and that comes down to the fact that I just love an interesting mess. Something that catches my attention in a unique way despite not having the story weight/talent/etc. to pull it all off.

You know those series with a fantastic concept but terrible execution? Or series with a couple of genuinely fascinating characters and mediocrity across the board otherwise? Yeah, those are what I love.

That doesn't mean I turn my head and ignore these flaws (Akihabara Dennou-gumi for example has a fantastic backdrop of alchemy, but that doesn't excuse the disgusting fanservice or explain piss-poor overall production).

If anything, I find those flaws intriguing in their own right (how does something with so much promise end up failing to stick the landing? Why were these the directions these titles took?) and learning about why they happened can continue to fuel my interest in the titles years after I've first experienced them.

And of course what is "good" and what is "bad" is extremely subjective, not everyone will agree on what the "best" title of all time is no matter how many fans you survey. I think what matters to me at the end of the day is that, for whatever reason, an eclectic assortment of titles have just hit me at the exact right point in my life for me to become engrossed by their eccentricities, flaws, and yes, even their successes.

That's why you'll find me sharing the odd scan from genre-defining titles like Sailor Moon, but when it comes to tearing apart art books and tracking down obscure pieces of stationery, I reserve that kind of dedication for Wedding Peach because it just hit me different 25+ years ago and I still can't shake it (despite the series being what it is).

Anyway, Saturdays are a real brain fog day for me because Friday is when I take my weekly meds so, err, this isn't a particularly articulate examination of my interests or anything. I just got to thinking last night that I find Ryuu-ou Mahoujin more intriguing than GALS! despite the former being a short-lived, break-neck paced mess of a production and the latter being a clearly thought out and popular title from the same author.

I'm also currently re-watching Kamichama Karin and it is such a hot mess of things I can't stand and things that make me genuinely go "what was Koge-Donbo* thinking?" but these flaws compel me to keep pressing play on episode after episode.

I just feel that at the end of the day there's enough room in the world for all of us to enjoy different problematic faves and to highlight successes without pretending failures don't also exist. Every project whether it ends up "good" or "bad" has a team of individuals doing their best on it and I think that's something that resonates with me even if the end product is a total mess.

Sometimes a project veers away from the course it was meant to take and never becomes what it could have been, but those trace elements of brilliance can get noticed by someone who experienced the title at the right time and vibed with the core concepts regardless of the execution.

So creators, take heed, even if the project you work on doesn't end up an iconic series with millions of fans there will always be weirdos like me out there that love the memorable parts of what you did manage to do while also noting the bits you got wrong. Sometimes one person's trash really is someone else's treasure (and yes you'll have to pry Wedding Peach et al. from my cold, dead hands).

[fullscoreshenanigans]

HI bestie happy pride !!!!!!! one quastion do you have any lgbt hcs for tpn that you're particularly fond of? whether they were hard hcs from the beginning or picked up from others,, give me yuor thoughts <3

ℍ𝔸ℙℙ𝕐 ℙℝ𝕀𝔻𝔼 𝔹𝔼𝕊𝕋𝕀𝔼!!! 🌈❤️🧡💛💚💙💜✨

My favorite hard headcanons that will come as a surprise to no one who has spent some time browsing this blog are endgame Norrayemma/REN/NER and Gildayshe, the former of which I'm very fortunate with when it comes to finding art and fic, and the latter not so much because I've never seen it anywhere besides this site. </3 (Thanks for prompting me to finally put together my past!Gildemma → endgame!Gildemma ramble I mentioned months ago. 🧡💚💛) Special shoutout to @frozentothetouch whose art converted me back in 2021 before I made this blog.

I don't have hard gender or sexuality headcanons for the trio for reasons @hanz-xd perfectly articulated here:

i think they'd have a hard time understanding the human world's perception of relationships and their hyper focus on labels. it's not like they really had those things at grace field, or at least, it wasn't important enough for them to care about. no one really called themselves straight, gay, bi, etc. so it's a little confusing for them in the real world. not the concept of these identities, just the need for labels in the first place. emma is kinda like "well i love every body?? why do i need to label that??" i think emma also struggles to understand the pressure of monogamy because again, her heart is so big and so full, she can't possibly imagine containing that love to one single person. especially when she thinks about ray and norman. she doesn't love one of them more than the other, she loves both of them so much. why would she want to force herself to choose when she could just love both of them? [...] but yeah, to summarize, the three of them would be together, but they'd never put labels on their identities, aside from calling each other their boyfriend/girlfriend. that's all it needs to be for them. the most they’ll do is confirm with a simple “yeah i guess” when people ask if they’re polyamorous. like yeah, they are by definition, but they don’t really care about labels. they just love each other in a way that feels right and authentic to them

The trio of my heart 🤍🧡🖤 though if I had to pick some, I'd default to the ones @officersnickers uses in this piece.

Likewise I don't have firm gender headcanons for Gildayshe, but I'm very big on lesbian Gilda, once again thanks to Rain and also to @just-like-playing-tag. I would also say I'm 95% committed to lesbian Ayshe, with the last 5% being my soft spot for Rayshe, though even then she's wlw + Ray doesn't necessarily have to be cis for it to work.

I'm ever so slightly less big on Yuucas but still big on it and a firm believer in the bunkerdads. 🖤❤️ Like many people in the fandom, I also champion gay Lucas and bi Yuugo, though ngl I'm half convinced Shirai included Dina as an afterthought at the suggestion of higher-ups so people wouldn't suspect either was a mlm or "funny" with the kids given how inconsequential Yuuna is to the story. Do love a bi skunk king though. 💖💜💙👑🦨✨

I also love the idea of bi Nat with him leaning toward guys thanks to @puff-poff. Don is pan with a preference toward girls (though you have shown me the light of trans gay Don. 🙏💙💖🤍) I love the thought of him firmly believing in the idea of "finding a cute girl to date" like he talks about in episode 1, only to one day be hit with the mental equivalent of a sack of bricks upon falling hard for a guy. Not in like an angsty way because this is years down the line and he's able to handle his insecurities better, plus he has the support of a large family filled with members of the community and I'd like to think after another world war the human world as a whole is more accepting of this, so there's no shame attached to it. It's more like having it happen and then going in the group chat with something akin to "remember when I said I was a ladies' kind of guy?"

No one in the Goldy Pond crew or Lambda gang claims cishet, but my favorites for each:

Trans lesbian Violet. I cannot pass up Shirai canonically making her favorite food pickles (noted in the mystic code book). It writes itself.

Love the thought of Violet taking Gilda under her wing during their search for the Seven Walls when she finds out she had a crush on Emma. (something Violet can relate to lol)

Trans girl Gillian. Feel like this one is less common than trans Violet, but regardless, she's pan and Nigel's bi.

Vincent is gay. M'guy dapper af.

(Chapter 137)

Cislo is a mlm, though Snickers has kind of converted me to him being aroace.

Barbara is a lesbian. While I'm definitely not opposed to Cherry Bomb, I've recently taken a liking to her and Sonya being a couple. (Sonyara? Is this a thing that I've missed or am I the only potential shipper? I like the idea of Sonya approaching things in a more calm and levelheaded fashion and how that sometimes conflicts with Barbara's more chaotic one, but instead of it resulting in ire, they take it as a playful challenge. Plus I like how Sonya's blues pop next to Barbara's pinks and reds.)

(Bad mesh of their color pics in the art world book but I work with what I have. </3)

This is already hella long but there was definitely something between Leuvis and Bayon Sr. Also Geelan is a mlm.

[kinnspocketporsche]

thank you;

analysis for me is a double edged sword. frankly, it usually does me more harm than good.

so yeah - i can hardly believe i made this blog. i could analyze and overanalyze just about any show; as a lit major and a psychology major, i'm built for digging up meaning out of anything humans created. but i haven't bothered with that for years. it hasn't been worth my time or, more importantly, my very limited energy.

the thing about art is that there are always going to be patterns that those consuming it could pick up on, and the thing about analysis is that it's largely about finding patterns and putting some sense into them. it drives me up the wall when i notice patterns only to realize they were unintentional and that seeing them does nothing more than highlight inconsistencies and plot holes.

if a creator isn't at least somewhat intentional about the patterns they build, any significance given to those patterns means nothing.

i thought KinnPorsche would be the same as all the other unfulfilling shows i've watched. it's why i didn't make this blog until episode 9. i didn't expect it to pull me back into fandom discussions. i didn't expect it to drag analysis from my head to my fingers and into words on a screen. i didn't expect to end up feeling like a slightly different person than who i was when i started watching.

the thing about art is that it can change you when it's done well, when it's done right, when it's done with care. i can't say i've never felt it before - i've read enough literature for some of it to have touched me - but never to this degree.

i've talked to a couple of people about this, but one of the many things KinnPorsche gets so right is the way it expresses the experience of being an outsider. a lot of literature focuses on that, too, but sometimes you have to dig so deep just to get a glimpse - with KinnPorsche, it's everywhere. it's right at the surface. it's in your face. it's deep in the woodwork, too, and if you want to dig deeper, you can - you can see theme of characters in unfamiliar environments, you can see how abuse isolates a person, you can see how socioeconomic status can make certain relationships a luxury - but you can feel it even without analyzing any of that. it's a key part of what makes the show feel so inherently and honestly queer.

that sense of being an outsider is so intentional in this show i can taste it. i'd bet my life savings on it. that intention is so important to me. it's such a comfort. i can't articulate as well as i want, but it's why i've rewatched each episode more times than i could track and it's why i've spent hours writing out analysis posts and it's why my brain has latched on to these characters so firmly that it's physically hurting me to think about letting them go.

i love the creators of KinnPorsche for this, i really do. producers, directors, actors - literally anyone else who's been involved. i want to thank them for consistently demonstrating that the patterns i (and other fans) have picked up on have meaning. i want to thank them for seeing and showing how painful it is to live on the outside. i want to thank them for saying all that and going even a step further, to say very firmly that outsiders can be happy.

and i'm not a sappy person i swear it but i really do need to thank the other fans. i am sorry to anyone who messaged me or reached out and got an awkward response, i probably should've warned y'all that i am bone tired of overthinking my words into being something perceived as normal. i didn't come here planning to find community but i got it anyway and i am so grateful. no matter how many times we messaged, if you sent me one DM or 10, if we interacted through tags or anonymous asks or reblog responses or likes or anything else - being here has made me happy because of you. thank you to every follower and every fanfic writer and to all of my fellow meta writers who have set the bar higher than i thought was possible. i have truly enjoyed being here.

i've enjoyed it so much that i am genuinely going to be devastated when it ends. i hope to stick around after and i hope that others will as well, for more KPTS talks, for fanfiction maybe, for discussions about other shows and art, but there's a chance i'll be silent for a period of time after this episode - the last episode - airs. i'm feeling things more strongly than i should, i know i am, but somehow i don't think i'm alone in this emotion that is almost like grief.

so i'll end on this note: please, everyone take care of yourselves today and this week and so on. drink water - i mean it! - eat at regular times and try to get some sleep. don't isolate and if you absolutely can't avoid it, don't do it for too long. my inbox and DMs will, as always, be open. send me questions, hug requests, all-caps screaming if you want.

see y'all on the flip-side ✌️

— winnie

[scripted-downfall]

Season 11 anon here again, I just finished 11x09 “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” and I have some thoughts that actually aren’t really Sam vs Dean. Like of course I’m thrilled I was correct that it was Lucifer calling to Sam and not God. But Sam isn’t important to my current concerns. I was wondering your take on the Amara/Dean arch and why they took a creepy stance by making her have to grow up. I have so many thoughts and most of them are articulated by a shuddered and a gag. There was the pre-teen Amara stalking Dean and going “See you soon, Dean.” Which is weird but can be shrugged off. But then you have teenage Amara and the dynamic between them in her bedroom after she sends Crowley away. The dialogue just hints to something romantic/sexual etc. And to be fair, I was hoping it was just subtext and I was being weird of the brief moment they had as adults in episodes one. But then they close the episode with young Amara walking down the street to the song “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon” which had me feeling all times of negative ways. Personally, especially after seeing them in 11x09, I think the Dean/Amara chemistry and bondedness (totally not a word but it’s fine) could have been a good and intriguing storyline had that not that type of creepy undertone. And I’ve seen some arguments in situations like these that could spring the argument “Amara is technically thousands of years old so it’s not creepy.” But she was still in the body of a teenager. The more I think about the more I feel like I’m back in a course on an author like William Burroughs in college about to dive into to some incredibly dark and uncomfortable topics that I don’t want to explore. All that is to say, I was interested in your take on that storyline.

Hi! Welcome back :)

Regarding the Amara arc, I'm pretty sure the answer to "why is her growing up portrayed as creepy" is because the entire situation is supposed to be creepy. At least initially (because she's kinda humanized as the show/season goes on). I mean --- and I'm looking at the script as I write this to try and make sure I'm not accidentally spoiling anything --- she's an immortal, all-powerful being with innately concerning undertones (e.g. "I was the beginning and I will be the end. I will be all there is," "I can't be resisted," "We're bonded," etc.) And they've taken the time to emphasize the fact that he literally cannot fully make his own decisions around her (which, in terms of where you are in the show, culminates in him going to take her out with that blade and then immediate transitioning into that kiss). I always interpreted the creepy undertones as an intentional underlay to their interactions. Which, to be honest, kinda made sense to me because she's as connected to the Mark --- the thing that has been perched on his arm, worming its way into his brain, and slowly corrupting his soul --- as he was. So, in other words, I think you're picking up on those implications because the writers wanted those implications there.

However, I want to say that, as of the episode you're on, it doesn't get any worse. (Especially not worse than the teenage scene, about which I felt the same way as you... like, I do see the argument about her being older than she looks, but the scene was deeply implicative in an uncomfortable way.) Please note that it's been a while since I saw these episodes, so I could be misremembering, but I don't remember it getting much worse.

Thank you for the ask, and feel free to keep writing as you continue on! All the best!

[mysticdragon3md3]

Been trying to find figure collecting channels to watch on YouTube. But I can't really find many that completely hold my interest.

Most figure collectors are primarily focused on static scale figures. I like articulated figures.

Most articulated figure channels focus almost exclusively on Nendoroids. Nendoroids are my favorite too, but I also like S.H. Figuarts, Figma, Chibi-Arts, etc.

If I look for channels that focus specifically on Nendoroids, the collectors' tastes tend to be so different from mine, that I eventually drop off from their channel. Like, I used to watch nendokittychan a lot. But then an increasing number of her consecutive Nendoroid reviews were characters I wasn't interested in. So I kind of stopped watching.

Then there are figure accounts I liked, but were abandoned. I used to watch NendoNow on YouTube, until they abandoned their channel. And I Followed ohnoraptors on Tumblr, and found out they even started a podcast on their own YouTube channel…but that got abandoned after a few episodes too. ;_;

And so many Nendoroid channels suggested to me are about bootlegs. I don't agree with that, and I don't want to be reminded of the people who have left hostile comments on my personal YouTube channel, trying to excuse their bootleg buying. But YouTube keeps suggesting Nendoroid vids to me, specifically about bootlegs. x_x; I can't even remember if Jenny Supremo advocated or warned against bootlegs, but the algorithm keeps making the fist 5+ Nendoroid video suggestions to me from her channel's bootleg comparison vids---when I didn't even search for "Nendoroid bootlegs".

I just want to watch people fanboy/fangirl over figures that I also like, and sometimes also give tips on shopping, rearranging, etc.

…Without being creepy or slipping in toxic masculine or homophobic language in every other sentence. For instance, the top vid that keeps getting suggested to me, when I search for comparisons between Nendoroids and Funko Pops, is a guy who talks in that painfully insecure and toxic manner. The video is made well, but the way he talks just ruins it. x_x;;;; Why do I keep finding videos that seem fine, but then devolve into people talking in problematic and mean-spirited ways? ;o;!

I guess if I listed the channels I've found to like recently, the pickings would feel so slim.

Kyoko & Saphira Selena is Akane Mokenchu TV Blanks

Still undecided on: The Ando Experience Gwyn Collects

[addictedtostorytelling]

Can you explain the letter Grissom sends to Sara sonnet #47? Or do you already have a break down of it? I get the gist of it. Thank you 😊

hi, anon!

so i've got some meta on the situation surrounding grissom sending sara the letter here, if you're interested.

as for the content of the letter itself:

grissom begins the letter by apologizing for how things were between him and sara when he left for his sabbatical.

their parting was awkward both because—since they were at work—they were unable to speak freely (and say the types of things that a couple might typically say to each other facing down five weeks spent on different sides of the country) but also because until that moment grissom seemingly had failed to realize how much his decision to go to massachusetts would affect sara.

grissom states that he is sorry for not being able to say what he needed to say (and for the fact that he's not generally very good at articulating his feelings, even though he definitely has them).

his love language has always been more gesture- than word-based.

he goes on to say that even though he and sara are at the moment physically far away from each other, he can nevertheless see her in his mind's eye as perfectly as if she was right there with him and that he does miss her (just as he promised that he would when they said goodbye to each other during the events of episode 07x11 "leaving las vegas").

in order to make up for his own ineloquence talking about his feelings, he decides to quote from shakespeare's sonnet #47, which he believes says what is in his heart "more aptly" than he could say it himself.

so, if you'll forgive me for going into my "day job mode" for just a second:

outside of his plays, william shakespeare wrote 154 sonnets, which were first published in 1609. the subjects of these sonnets vary widely, though many focus on themes of romantic love, sexual lust, jealousy, infidelity, etc.

sonnet #47 comes from a sequence of this work that literary scholars refer to as "the fair youth" grouping, which are addressed by the speaker of the poems to a beautiful, unnamed young man, who is widely admired and much-sought after. the speaker of the poems sometimes attempts to give the fair youth life advice (as would befit a mentor-mentee relationship) but other times expresses love and lust toward him (as would befit a romantic and/or erotic relationship).

it is not insignificant that grissom would feel drawn to a sequence of poems about a beautiful young person who in many ways seems to be out of the speaker's league.

sonnet #47 describes how the speaker thinks of his beloved fair youth constantly:

betwixt mine eye and heart a league is took, and each doth good turns now unto the other: when that mine eye is famish’d for a look, or heart in love with sighs himself doth smother, with my love’s picture then my eye doth feast and to the painted banquet bids my heart; another time mine eye is my heart’s guest and in his thoughts of love doth share a part: so, either by thy picture or my love, thyself away art present still with me; for thou not farther than my thoughts canst move, and i am still with them and they with thee; or, if they sleep, thy picture in my sight awakes my heart to heart’s and eye’s delight.

to translate it into "modern speak," the basic meaning is something like:

"when i'm missing you, my eyes and my heart have an agreement to help each other out: my eyes will look at a picture of you and take in its beauty so that my heart can see you, and then my heart will supply the memory of you to my eyes so that they can imagine you and place you in my thoughts. that way, you'll always be with me. though we may be physically far apart, you can't actually move any farther from me than my thoughts go, because my thoughts are always with me, and you're always in my thoughts. i think about you all the time. even if my thoughts start to 'sleep,' all i have to do is either see a picture of you or just remember you, and suddenly my eyes and heart awaken to you again, and i'm happy."

grissom is basically telling sara that she is always on his mind wherever he goes and that he loves her so much that even when they're physically separated he feels as if she is with him.

it's a beautiful sentiment of the exact kind that (had he sent the letter) would have reassured sara of his feelings for her and made her feel confident in the strength of their relationship even in his absence.

of course, she doesn't get to read the letter until long after grissom has returned to her.

thankfully, even late, it is still meaningful to her.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[zackmartin]

i know i’ve already asked for one but if you’re feeling up to it!! how about one for @neshatriumphs 👉🏾👈🏾

Mana, you can send me literally as many as you think of because I will never grow tired of giving love to my friends. And I'm so glad you sent me Nesha because I always want to give her love 💕

I know this is an odd place to do this, but I just want to clear the air with her first real quick and say when I was yelling the other day about people not liking my posts, I wasn't speaking directly to her. I had strangers that had literally never spoken to me and literally never liked my posts, liking my ones about being a bad friend and maybe they just. Understood the feeling or something but I was so upset it felt like they were agreeing so I got mad but. I know when she likes my posts it's her way of saying "I hear you and I love you" so. That wasn't aimed at her.

But, anyway!!!! There's so much I want to say here but I don't know how to articulate it! I feel like her and I sort of have a connection that I've never quite had with anyone else, and I cherish it so much. Like, she told me the other day that I might be one of the only ones that truly understands her heart, but I feel like I understand it because mine is similar in a lot of ways. She's one of those people that I know she goes through things and I just. It hurts me that I don't have the power to take it away or make it stop, but I hope that whatever I can provide gives her at least some kind of relief, even if it ends up it's just for a moment. Anybody that knows her, knows of her immense talent, like Road to Dystopia was a masterpiece and she gave us the Iconic Throuple that is Max/Charlotte/Chase (chasing thunderbolts? Is that correct, I cant remember). Like, name a more iconic trio, you can't. And I think she wrote a fic around when the pandemic started and I still think about it because it was so raw and real and amazing and just. So uniquely Nesha, and I mean that in the absolute best way possible. Like I just mean she knows how to write in a way that makes you truly feel both for the characters and what the characters are feeling. ALSO HER ART!!! I don't even care if I know the fandom or not, I see her art, I will appreciate it cause it's all god tier. And we all know she's one of the most supportive people in this fandom, like I'm sure she's sick of me bringing up her support of DoD but I never quite had friends in my life that cared about my projects that much or really showed any interest at all, so to have someone that supports it so much, especially when a lot of us kinda hate HD now and she isn't really familiar with Suite Life besides me going insane and the few episodes we streamed, is just. That's an indescribable feeling that I'll never be able to fully thank her for. That fic is as much hers as it is mine now, like I'll literally write it thinking "will Nesha like this?" and if the answer is no, that part gets scrapped 😂 and I don't mean that in a pressuring way but just, she inspires me to be better. I've been contemplating coming to her for her zodiac knowledge because I'm deciding the birthdays of some OCs and if there is anyone's opinion I trust on the matter, it'd be hers 😂

This is already so long and I could honestly go on all night, but basically I just hope she knows how much I love and cherish her and how much she truly means to me 💕💕

@neshatriumphs

send me a tumblr user's url and I'll tell you what I think of them

[chiyohsrifle]

Got tagged by the marvelous @hvnnigram and I can't wait to bare my soul to you guys. this is a long one, so let's go!!

Rules: Tag people you want to get to know better 🖤

Your name and then what you would've named yourself: My full name is Montserrat (I'm Mexican, in case you couldn't tell. Well Mexican-American but anywho) but I typically go by Montse. Mainly cuz people struggle to pronounce my full name hehe but I also just think it's less of a mouthful. Idk, I honestly really love my name and don't think I'd change it given the chance. Maybe something shorter just cuz paperwork can be a bitch. I like Rene but otherwise, I'm pretty attached to my name lol.

Astrological sign (sun/moon/rising if you know them): I'm a sun Pisces, a moon Aries, and a rising Virgo, I believe :)) All in all, I'm an emotional, empathetic bitch

When did you join Tumblr and why?: Was going through my emails yesterday and I've been here for a year?? apparently. So yea, I joined Aug./Nov. of 2019 and I'm almost certain it was cuz I wanted to see more Good Omens fanart lol. But I got more active this year cuz quarantine do be forcing me to have some wack coping mechanisms. Also BBC Merlin had me reeling and I needed somewhere to scream.

Top 5 fandoms: Hannibal (obviously), BBC Merlin, Killing Eve, Good Omens, and The Umbrella Academy 😊

Top 5 favorite films: (oh Lord, the cinema buff in me is Panicking rn) God, there's so many I love but I'll try to give varietyTM. But I'm a Cheerleader (1999), Parasite (2019), The Wind Rises (2013), Little Shop of Horrors (1986), and Hector and the Search for Happiness (2014).

Go to song when you wanna Feel something: if we're talking like emotionally charged, TALK ME DOWN by Troye Sivan always sends me reeling. Endorphins wise, Ahora Te Puedes Marchar by Luis Miguel always makes me wanna jump and move around. And La Vie Boheme from RENT, just pure serotonin

What's your religion or faith, if you have one?: I was raised with a heavy Catholic background but I'm agnostic, I believe is the term. Basically, I don't think there's not a God or higher power(s). I just don't align with anything specifically. But I do believe there's something running things, whether that be spirits, the stars, gods, etc. I can't say.

A song that makes you feel seen: Not to be a theatre kid on main but, Breathe from In The Heights. That song and whole musical hold such a special place in my heart, esp with Nina's character cuz I'm Nina. Every part of that song just Gets Me and i ugh, can't articulate it but yea, that song be me.

If you could pick a career: A writer or painter. Anything creative/artsy really cuz crafting is just so calming to me.

Do you have a type?: ngl, I'm kinda the 'falls in love with their best friend' stereotype but beyond that, not really. I kinda just see attractive people and mentally short circuit

What does your soul/heart yearn for?: Not to sound like a character from Hannibal, but to be understood. To be cared for and feel supported. To allow myself to rest and be comforted/loved. Just to feel safe ig. Whoop, that got personal, anywho

If you had to describe yourself in 5 words to someone who doesn’t know you: intelligent, caring, awkward, Very Queer, and chaotic

Favorite subject in school: English and History!! I think they're absolutely fascinating and I'm gay so obviously I connect way too much with literature

Where does your soul feel most at home at?: Close to someone that I love, in comfortable silence. Or any situation where I have wind blowing in my face, it's super comforting and idk why

Top 5 fictional characters: Rowena from SPN, Bella Crawford, Beverly Katz, Eve Polastri, and Jack Crawford

Top 3 moments in a show that made you ugly cry:

1. The ending of Your Lie In April. Idk if any of yall have experienced that, but let me know if you have cuz shared trauma. I was crying so hard, I couldn't breathe. Dry heaving and everything, it was Not Pretty

2. Like literally all of One Day At Time. I know, it's cheesy but that show means a lot to me and I get so emotional watching it cuz I connect to the characters so much. Anything with Elena makes me sob cuz like she's me but also my baby, ya know

3. Um Queer Eye in general but specifically the episode with the gay pastor. That hit close to home on so many levels and boy, was I sobbing the entire time.

(Before y'all ask, honorable mention to Mizumono, TWOTL, and the ending of BBC Merlin cuz I may have been too tired to cry, but trust me, I was emotionally wrecked after all three)

The earth, the sun, the moon, or the stars: Ooh, I'm gonna have to go with the stars but I love that lesbian space rock too

Favorite kind of weather: Thunderstorms, rain, cloudy, grey weather. Fall, I love the fall, give me autumn pleASE

Top 3 characters to kin you with: Guinevere Pendragon from BBC Merlin, Vanya Hargreeves from TUA, and Abigail Hobbs from Hannibal

Favorite medium of art: I love all art very much but I guess drawing and film especially

Introvert/Extrovert/Ambivert: Gonna say ambivert cuz I can be shy but buckle up, cuz the second I'm comfortable around you, it's absolute chaos. You will learn too much about me and that's okay 😌

Favorite literary quote: If poetry counts, it's something like "And if the devil was to ever see you, he'd kiss your eyes and repent". Idk who wrote it but it's an Arabic love poem. Actual book quote tho, "But I'm tired of coming out. All I ever do is come out. I try not to change, but I keep changing, in all these little ways." from Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda cuz damn me too.

Some of your favorite books: Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli, the Carry On series by Rainbow Rowell, When I Was Puerto Rican by Esmeralda Santiago, Fun Home by Alison Bechdel, All The Bright Places by Jennifer Lee, Autoboygraphy, and Copper Sun

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?: Europe or New York. No real specifics for Europe, defiently leaning more towards Western Europe and the Mediterranean cuz they just seem so pretty. And NY cuz I want a studio apartment hehe and also I adore NY. I went a couple years back and just fell in love. Although live is a loose term cuz I've always thought of moving around a lot. I like traveling and settling down isn't really convenient for that so these are kinda just ideals lol

If you could live in any time in history, when would it be?: Oh, defiently 60s/70s. Also, anytime matriarch societies were common cuz I wanna see what that looked like

If you could play any instrument masterfully, it would be: the acoustic guitar and piano. Maybe violin, but those two for sure

If you have one, which god or goddess do you feel more connected to?: I've always really vibed with Athena so her. But also Diyonuses cuz man's is the ideal.

And finally, your favorite recent selfie in your camera role:

(Excuse the eye bags and look in general, I was sleepy when I took it)

Whoo, that's all folks. I'm just gonna say that any of my followers/mutuals who want to do this, feel free to say I tagged you. Thanks for tag, once again, babe!!

[korrasera]

Ow, this B99 is cop propaganda always pissed me off. I can't articulate why I don't think it is, but it's very telling that people started worrying about this in a show with representation and not the other hundred cop shows, some of it have actual propaganda.

The reason I dislike it is because it’s one of those ideas people will adopt because they think it sounds like good praxis, but it’s effectively a beginner’s mistake in terms of social justice and political science discourse.

In other words, there’s no substance to it, it’s not useful to describe B99 as cop propaganda, and it’s something that people like because we’re a community full of people who really can’t stand how corrupt, racist, authoritarian, and violent that cops are. It’s one of the ways in which social justice oriented people can engage in performative activism.

IE; it’s a common mistake because we all seem to hate cops and it’s really easy to call anything that doesn’t condemn police completely as propaganda.

But there’s a big difference between “cop show” and “propaganda” that gets lost when people realize they can just call a show cop propaganda and leave it at that.

For my money, the real analysis is in the way our culture portrays cops in fiction like B99, because shows like COPS, Law & Order, CSI, NYPD Blue, so many of them really do continue to emphasize the hero cop myth and we know that’s not a good message to spread because it just makes people who feel comfortable with police authority continue to feel comfortable. The people who support cops keep getting told ‘hey, cops are awesome!’ because myths are about people we look up to.

The thing is, like all art those shows are reflecting our culture, and that’s one of the reasons that Brooklyn Nine-Nine deserves credit. Much like a lot of art these days, it’s engaging with the subject matter in ways that are not just respectful to other people but also respectful of the problems with police in the first place.

In other words, it’s a show that’s saying, “If we’re going to push the hero cop myth, let’s make sure it’s a hero cop that wants cops themselves to be better people.”

So you get episodes where Sgt. Jeffords faces overt racism from a fellow police officer and has to address the nature of racism and the persecution of black people by the police. Or an episode that boils down to the entire department stating quite clearly, “We screwed up and we need to make up for it. Here’s what we’re going to do and we invite you to tell us how to do better.”

There are people who are going to grow up wanting to be cops because they get exposed to the hero cop myth. Kids are going to want to be those hero cops to do good, protect people, and serve their community.

And B99 isn’t cop propaganda because it isn’t telling people that they have to respect police authority and accept them.

Propaganda literally cannot be critical of it’s own subject matter.

[keithisababe-blog]

Okay I need to rant. (spoilers)

//Quick disclaimer, I'm putting this in the Allurance tag in case any Allurance shippers might have any differing opinions that they'd like to share. I don't intend for this post to be especially offensive, I'm just giving my perspective. So if you ship Allurance and are easily offended feel free to ignore this post.

I like how I called that a quick disclaimer but it's like a full on paragraph-

Anyways;

So this new season did bring a lot to the table. We got a poppin DND episode. The Tea with Lotor was SPILT. We even found out that the paladins are going to Earth. Which is really exciting. I'm actually really glad with how this season played out. The only issue I had was Lance's character development. More specifically, the fan service that came with it.

Now listen, I love voltron. I love the fandom. Parts of it, at least. And I love the ships. I, myself, am a multi-shipper. But I've got to say that the way Lance's character was depicted in this season had a LOT to do with Allura. So they're pushing Allurance, fine, okay. Except well, where does that leave everyone else? I don't want to be THAT person, but not everyone ships Allurance.

I think if dreamworks made one mistake with this season, it's trying to make a specific ship canon. The fan service not only takes away from the show, but takes away the element that's vital to our fandom. The mystery. It leaves nothing to the imagination. Sure we can still write all the fanfics, make all the fan art and conjure up all the head canons we want, but having a canonical ship in the show makes it harder for fans to take the context in which the show has given, and bend it to our advantage.

It's hard to write say a Klance or Hance fic when you KNOW Lance is head-over-heels for the princess. Since Allura hasn't necessarily articulated her feelings about Lance in a way that we can conceive as mutual or contrary to that, it's a little bit easier to sort of ship her with any other member of the team.

Personally I ship Allura with both Shiro and Romelle. But as far as Lance goes, he still doesn't have that spark with Allura yet. Sure it's there. But it almost feels like they don't quite know eachother on a personal level. They know each others circumstances. They know parts about eachother that they have to know. But Lance has a better chemistry with plenty of the other Characters.

(I say this because we're like 6 seasons in and yet I still haven't really seen a lot of emotional development between Lance and Allura. I've seen emotional expression. I know Lance has shown some sort of feelings for allura. But I don't see any emotional bonding.)

Hunk and Lance have been best friends for like, years. Hunk knows Lance on a VERY personal level. And Shiro. Lance has idolized Shiro. Looked up to him. The second he was faced with Shiro he was mesmerized. And Keith. OHH BOY. Are we going to forget Lance literally recognized him BY HIS HAIR? Or maybe his playful, childish rivalry with him that soon becomes the foundation of a deeply shared connection. And let's not forget the ICONIC bonding moment. Lance has bonded SO much with Keith in the show. Confided in him. I could go on. There are so many instances in which Lance has bonded with the Paladins. Pidge too. God Pance is such a cute ship.

I can't think of a lot of deep connections he has with Allura. I mean they met and the first thing he said to her is "My name's Lance, and you're right here in my arms.". Okay, cute cheesy Lance is back at it again. He's constantly flirting with her. (Hell he flirts with like every girl) Only for her to play hard to get. What he's experiencing is ATTRACTION. Infatuation. Which, can turn into something beautiful, but they're rushing it so much.

Just take these images into consideration:

Hell he even flirts with the damn lions

What's so different about these instances and him flirting with Allura?

Do you see where I'm coming from? There's just not a lot of depth yet. If I saw a little more raw, deep, real connection between them then I'd be 100% on board. But I'm just not there yet.

They aren't even slowly transitioning into his feelings for Allura, either. Just one day he talks like he's all emotionally connected to her. But he's going through war right now. You HAVE to be somewhat connected to your partners. There's nothing special about his relationship with her as of right now. And yet like 90% of his character development in this season had to do with these "feelings" for her. It just doesn't add up.

Overall, the season was good. I hope that if dreamworks does decide to make a ship canon, while it isn't necessarily the best course of action (in my opinion), that they do it with tact.

Thanks for reading my shit. I do appreciate feedback so if anyone has anything to add please feel free to.

Also here's a picture of Keith. It's completely irrelevant I just like it.

Okay bye

[artburogallery]

Woman's bag as an art object. History of ARTBURO.

Woman's bag as an art object. History of ARTBURO.

“Beauty without originality not pleasing to the eye.”

Christian Dior

In Paris, in a Lebanese restaurant, I watched a scene. An Arab family, a man and three women, booked a table near us. The man was wearing a tradition business suit, and the ladies strolled behind him in a conventional Arab garment, hiding everything but their eyes. A run of the mill story for Paris and I had already looked away, however then an awesome thing occured - all three as if on command, hung a similar Hermes Birkin on the backs of their seats.

I instantly recollected an episode from the film "The Devil Wears Prada"- a scene when one of the characters wonders why ladies have such a large number of bags. One of the women expresses her opinion as follows: "Fashion is not about utility. An accessory is merely a piece of iconography used to express individual identity".

Were those bags a form of symbolism which is fundamental for self-articulation of personality? Certainly. Given the traditions in the east, sometimes for women, this is the only opportunity for self-expression. Be that as it may, there is a snag. Everything these bags tell me portrays just the accessory, yet not their owner.

For those who are not in the know, like me back in that time, the iconic Hermes crocodile leather bag is a total investment. After several years in the production queue, the customer picks up the bag from the store, which is already higher than the original price, since this is an absolutely exclusive item on the market. Yes, you heard right this bag is an exclusive investment.

And afterwards I take a gander at the women in similar dark dresses, all wearing same Сartier adornments on their hands and my creative mind does not leave me in rest. I urgently need to find out about them... Yes, luxury items have this feature. They are rich in history, authentic, unique, yet they are objects of art that are independent from their proprietors.

But fashion, in particular accessories, is constant communication, a fashion statement, and a method of self-expression. Having paid a fabulous sum for a coveted accessory that just shouts about its status, the owner cannot express a single thought about her as a person. Everything has been thought out and said for her.

A women's bag is a reflection of a woman, her occupation, interests and lifestyle. We are not talking about her bag as an object of practicality - otherwise we would all carry around backpacks and bales.

Once Jane Birkin complained to the chairman of the board of the Hermes House about the lack of choices for a convenient bag, for her trouble this historical accessory was named after herself. The Birkin model depicts the character, femininity and audacity of the actress herself. Can you feel it? In fact, everyone buying this model associates themselves with her. But no more.

When I was first informed that someone had personalized their Birkin bag, I was skeptical. Well, I thought really to purchase a costly item and use it like that, some kind of fad.

I did not understand that for someone this bag is not the only one in the collection. The “save money on that precise thing” metamorphosis has been passed, and the person simply enjoys the opportunity to something absolutely exclusive. By the way, the first person who personalized Birkin was Jane Birkin!

To sort out the issue thoroughly, I decided to talk with Alisa Kovtunova, the creative director and author of the idea of ARTBURO.

And everything began with an idea. However, it isn't generally there from the earliest starting point: "The most fascinating works are obtained when the client and I find the exact story that ought to be reflected in the illustration. Something personal, peculiar to a customer ", says Alisa. As Christian Dior stated, “Beauty without originality not pleasing to the eye”. This is the originality that ARTBURO achieves in each work.

Only original bags are taken into the procedure, the authenticity of products is constantly checked and work with them in a precise way. At first, each bag is reestablished, at that point, the artist begins to work with it as indicated by the chosen concept. All paints used in execution are made in Italy specifically for ARTBURO. This ensures a perfect outcome: the image will resemble a subsequent skin, and there will be no issues with it. Also, this is significant, as unscrupulous rivals use cheap paint, which is washed off and fades at the first signs of rain or humidity, and the drawing does not lay as it should.

Such cheap work is always obvious and simple to distinguish from high quality merchandise.

After completing the illustration, Alisa by and by checks all the works of artists, if necessary, sends them for amendment and brings them to flawlessness. Then the bag is sent to the owner. ARTBURO provides a personal courier service. And the bag is delivered personally into the hands of its holder.

ARTBURO has been operating for five years. Have there been displeased customers over the years? Not a single one. And how many were satisfied? Can't be counted. It is even more challenging to calculate in which countries orders were made. The boom of such services is in China, however the quality leaves a lot to be desired. Numerous purchases from the Middle East, Europe and the United States. Of course, our “it-girls” did not sidestep this opportunity either, so Nadezhda Obolentseva, Stella Aminova, Anastasia and Tatiana Fuks, singer Kristina Orbakaite, Tatiana Kovylina, Irina Shayk, Angelika Ivanc, Alena Soboleva and Eva Samieva were noticed with the bags of ARTBURO. There are works in the portfolio (even bigger samples) – that paint the inside of a car, yacht and even an airplane.

To show uniqueness, the owner's handwriting is inscribed on the bag. Earlier, such works were done for their astonishment and shock value, now most customers make orders for their own selfish and hedonistic reasons. It's great when a customer has self-irony and a sense of humor. Such people are filled with life energy, and this is reflected in their completed work - it will invigorate them and others.

With such an inspirational idea, the production of handbags began in ARTBURO. In 2014, the Wintour bag was released, these women’s bag was modelled after the drawings of Leonardo da Vinci. It combines the great inventor’s legacy, modernity and character of the woman in whose honor it was named. Anna Wintour is the permanent editor of American Vogue, a legendary figure in the fashion world, and one of the most influential. Reflecting such a character and personality strength is quite tricky, but ARTBURO did it. The result of the work was an exquisite handbag, which is made exclusively on the client's request in classic black, white and red. The texture of the skin is picked by the client. The most intriguing point of interest is the handle, which is turned and covered with metal color at the request of the customer.

In general, personalization now is one of the freshest trends in fashion. With the development of globalization and mass production, people lose their individuality and style. And now even the price of goods is now not always a guarantee of uniqueness. Therefore, well-known brands, including Louis Vuitton, Dior, Hermes, often collaborate with renowned specialists who reinterpret classical forms in a modern way by personalizing them.

Now envision that you have the chance to turn into an artist yourself and create your own history – that is transform into that one in a million. A similar item, for instance, a bag of Hermes, Chanel, Dior will never exist again, it will only belong to you. You are only constrained by your imagination.

This is the answer to the question of how not to get lost in the world of indistinguishable trends, even the most expensive or exclusive ones. The question is how to find yourself and express your vision and how to become an artist and creator of something absolutely amazing and unique. Without a doubt, in each of us, there is that small inventive outbreak from which we draw a mind-blowing vitality to create something big and grand.

[slingsendarrows]

My First Drake Album

Nicholas Rodney Drake was born June 19, 1948, and died 26 years later after ingesting approximately 30 amitriptyline pills. It was ruled a suicide. Nick Drake was an English singer-songwriter whose acoustic guitar songs navigated the tumultuous and oft-misunderstood travails of living with depression. His music was not popular while he lived but has since garnered worldwide recognition and critical acclaim in the years since. 

I discovered Nick Drake and his music after a traumatic experience. Those around me, charged with my care, my built-in support system (or so I thought), did not see it that way, so I was forced to seek other ways to trek along this new, unfamiliar, and terrifying path. 

Music allows me to understand complicated things, and in turn, I recognize myself. It has been that way for as long as I can remember. It was the same the instant I discovered Nick Drake, Cat Power, and the Elliot Smith types of the world, delving into and exploring the deep well of my sorrow. There is something incredibly self-indulgent about pain and suffering. It is fundamentally personal, subjective, and selfish, but surrounded by an entitled sense of affecting a world larger than ourselves; it embodies all our pain, even if that particular experience is uniquely our own. And so it is with Nick. He gave my experience words I could not articulate to myself, let alone others.

I was recently having coffee with a friend and at one point explained how living with depression has required I disengage with some people in my life. His first question, "What are you depressed about?" I hate this question. I hate it because it requires a definite answer as if I can carefully and comprehensively explain what it means to live with depression in a few short sentences encompassing the reality of it, all while holding my breath hoping what I say is clearly understood. I hate it because it is all too common. I know why it is common--because depression is difficult to explain; it is personal and universal. Personal because it happens to the individual; universal in that it happens to many individuals, more than 300 million of us according to the World Health Organization. So, is it naive to desire a succinct, identifiable, and generalizable reason? Maybe not. But I don't have one.

All I can do is borrow the words of a poet whose art helps me understand my depression, at least in part. 

Nick Drake was signed to a record deal at 20 and released three albums, Five Leaves Left (1969), Byter Layter and Pink Moon (1972), and the posthumous box-set Fruit Tree (1979).  While living, Nick did not promote his music and was reluctant to give interviews. Neither of his albums sold more than 5,000 copies upon initial release, and all we have of the artist are his music and still photographs. These sparse facts make me both sad and content. Part of me feels he never wanted to give us more than his music, and for me, it's enough. It has to be enough. It is more than enough. 

So much can be said about the artist and his art. Five Leaves Later is a deeply personal and raw poetic exercise of a man wrestling with his creation and what it means to hold oneself sacred when the world requires you expose more than you're willing for global recognition of said art. 

Beginning with "Time Has Told Me," he laments, Time has told me/ You're a rare, rare find/ A troubled cure/ For a troubled mind/ And time has told me/ Not to ask for more/ Someday our ocean will find its shore. Drake is deeply self-aware of the struggles within his mind. He succumbs to the reality that while his troubled mind is a gift, it is a "troubled cure." It allows him to see clearly with no indication as to how it can be any different. Depression feels much the same. In the darkest moments, you achieve hopeless clarity. You know what is happening to you. You're viscerally aware of how your mind is attacking the rest of your being and understand the physiological effects manifesting, but you don't stop it, you can't, your mind won't let you. A "troubled cure" indeed! 

Without a definitive answer to proffer, Drake merely suggests we learn to cope in this new reality instead: So leave the ways that are making you be/ What you don't want to be/ Leave the ways that are making you love/ What you really don't want to love. It is unfair to ask more of yourself than that, especially in the midst of a depressive episode (a singular beast unto itself). Talking it out with someone helps, but therapy is a privilege not all of us can afford. The best you can do is decipher how depression ails you in real tangible ways and work towards subverting actions that turn the picnic into a never-ending feast of abundance. 

My depression revels and thrives in isolation and despair. I have lived with it long enough to identify the stages of my Dementor infestation. First I had to give it an identity that is not me. I had to separate Nyasha from what J.K. Rowling describes as "the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places. They glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them[...]Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself--soul-less and evil. You'll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."

My descent begins with isolation. I cut myself off from everyone and anything capable of giving me hope. My perfectionist-in-recovery leanings make it challenging to let people close to me know I am struggling so I deflect, I lie, or just disappear. I genuflect to my tormentors, and with that surrender, they infiltrate with the intensity of quelling a resistance that simply doesn't exist. They are here for everything; they will take everything, whether you give in willingly or put up a fight. Before naming my tormentor, throwing in the towel was just part of the deal. Why bother, right Eeyore? 

Next comes, avoidance. I call in sick to work more often than I should and with no strength to do anything about it, I let things fall apart. My apartment looks like a hoarders fantasy, dishes stacked in the sink become science experiments and I grow comfortable with the increasingly pungent reek of my body odour. I take Netflix bingeing to Olympic levels. I eat and eat and eat, to suppress the pain of my trauma, burying myself in pizza boxes, cinnamon rolls, potato chips and pot until all I can feel is my bloated and overly extended stomach. I berate myself for not having self-control, smoke more weed to induce indifference, wake up in regret, promise to do better, rinse and repeat. 

Over time I realized this was a roommate I would have to drag along to all the parties in spite of her feelings. So I made a plan to help me "leave the ways that are making me be who I really don't want to be": a miserable, fat, unhappy, sad person trying and failing to reverse-engineer their past. I cut certain people out of my life, read several self-help and psychology books (with care), started treating my body as if I gave a shit, even when I didn't, stopped chain-smoking pot, and most importantly, discovered CrossFit and the power of endorphins. CrossFit saved my life. At first, it was to quell the hunger to be loved and accepted by a man who did not see past my fatness, but now it is to survive and live to fight another day, hoping "someday our ocean will find its shore." Expecto Patronum!!

Two songs from Five Leaves Later have been constant companions on this journey, "Saturday Sun" and "Fruit Tree.” The oddity of living with my Dementor is how surprised we both are when confronted with a genuinely beautiful day. I mean a gorgeous, sun's bright, trees rustling to the soft breeze, blue skies kind of day. Depending on how long we've been companioning in our misery, we are more likely to close the curtains even harder and shut out the realness of life outside our wretchedness. How dare it shine so unabashedly and affront us with its glory? Doesn't our pain matter? Of course not, you self-indulgent sad person. It's the sun. It rises and sets. Sometimes the days are cloudy, bitter cold with rain and snow, but the sun still rises, as it as done since the dawn of time. It doesn't consider my individual circumstances. For it will be what the sun has always been: burning and shining, bright and perpetual. 

That is the sentiment of "Saturday Sun." Suddenly you're not feeling so bad. There is momentary reprieve; momentary because you've learned it is only a matter of time. You're confused when the Saturday sun [comes] early one morning/ In a sky so clear and blue/ Saturday sun came without warning/ So no-one knew what to do.  After living in the depths of despair for so long, you forget what it feels like to feel good. You are anxious when suddenly your ever-present roommate takes a day, or week, or a month off. She didn't leave a note, but you know she'll be back. Maybe it's when the meds finally kick in and/or your lifestyle changes are starting to take effect, and you can cope with some semblance of normalcy. 

In the light of day you remember the things you have neglected: the two Chopin concerts you paid for but didn't attend although you were dying to see Lang Lang, the numerous friend engagements you bailed on at the last minute, the phone calls that went unanswered, the dreams and goals deferred, and the countless failures to rally yourself. This sun has brought people and faces/ That didn't seem much in their day/ But when I remember those people and places/ They were really too good in their way/ In their way/ In their way/ Saturday won't come to see me today. You despair at all the time lost and wonder if you are meant to feel bad always, even on the seemingly good days when the rays of clarity reach your soul to remind you things are not all bad. 

I often gaze at reality through a veneer of misery. Realizing how things weren't as bad as I thought makes me feel sorry for having considered them that bad, to begin with. Am I making up my depression? Am I decadent in my despair? Is this just an act? What is wrong with me? That is the consuming aspect of depression. Reprieve is more work. Trying to hold on to it, knowing its a losing battle, and wondering if your defeatist attitude is the reason it is a losing battle. Maybe you're not trying hard enough. You think about stories with reason and rhyme/ Circling through your brain/ And think about people in their season and time/ Returning again and again/ And again/ And again/ but Saturday sun has turned to Sunday's rain. It is fucking relentless. 

"Fruit Tree" reads like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is an artist's individual understanding of fame and legacy. It is incredibly forward-thinking because Nick Drake died, I believe, understanding the value of his art yet somewhat resigned to the world not catching on until long after he was gone. Fame is but a fruit tree/ So very unsound/ It can never flourish/ 'Till its stock is in the ground/ So men of fame/ Can never find a way/ 'Til time has flown far from their dying day/ Forgotten while you're here/ Remembered for a while/ A much-updated ruin/ From a much-outdated style. Whether we yearn for conventional fame or to simply make our mark upon this world, legacy is a unique desire of the mortal. It is our final stand against death and lets the world know we were here, we mattered, we connected. I once read that immortality is achieved in the memories of those who remember us after we're gone. We are not truly dead until the last person who carries our memory dies with it. There is something both comforting and terrifying about that. We are remembered by our loved ones and the lives we've affected, knowingly and otherwise. But memory is fragile, subjective, and prone to manipulation. So how well is our legacy maintained? Does the remembrance bear a resemblance to who we really were? How we lived, loved, failed, triumphed, survived, endured, or were defeated? How can we ask so much when we begin to understand that to “err is human,” and we are all selective in what we remember, let alone how we remember it. 

"Fruit Tree" is a remarkably well-penned bookend to "Time Has Told Me." We shouldn't ask for more but live in gratitude of what has been given to us, and maybe that will lead us where all our struggling and fighting against the tide has been guiding us--to a place were" our ocean finds its shore." But still, we can't help but wonder what we leave behind, the parts of us that remain beyond the veil and our ability to curate and frame ourselves. When all that is left is what is remembered, how can we not worry about that too? 

Drake's response exposes the futility of these obsessive musings: Life is but a memory/ Happened long ago/ Theatre full of sadness/ For a long forgotten show/ Seems so easy/ Just to let it go on by/ 'Till you stop and wonder/ Why you never wondered why. Will the rooms of despair carry the memory of your trauma the way your body has? Probably not. Another soul will take residence there to tell their own story, cement their own legacy. I'm reminded of Alfred, Lord Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade," Not though the soldier knew/ Someone had blundered/ Theirs not to make reply/ Theirs not to reason why/ Theirs but to do and die/ Into the valley of Death/ Rode the six hundred. Theirs but to do and die.

Worrying about legacy after death seems futile when all we can do is live out our days, and hopefully, past the reeds of selfish thoughts, needs, and desires, we do some good that is not "interred with our bones." Maybe in death, we find an understanding of ourselves, our place, and our experiences. But there is no knowing until we go through it: Safe in the womb of an everlasting night/ You find the darkness can give the brightest light/ Safe in your place deep in the earth/ That's when they'll know what you were really worth. Or not, but what does it matter? You've done your part. You lived. You experienced things that made you, and for better or worse, you were here. 

Fruit tree, fruit tree/ No one knows you but the rain and the air/ Don't you worry/ They'll stand and stare when you're gone

Fruit tree, fruit tree/ Open your eyes to another year/ They'll all know/ That you were here when you're gone

I know you were here Nicholas Rodney Drake. Long before I was born, your ocean was making its way to my shore. I understand my depression better through your music and the intense vulnerability you bared. You bore fruit within my soul and allowed me to realize that while my struggles with mental health aren't unique, it does not make them irrelevant. I remember you. I see you, Fruit Tree. Keep blossoming!