#i have to wake up at 6 am tomorrow pray for me

[lemonhemlock]

Hi! Do you have any interesting asks/meta that you are excited to share soon? Or later? (No problem either way)

I'm a bit bored and would like to gently nudge you to answer some of your old and ancient asks if they are interesting enough 😅💚

hello friend yes i have 112 asks currently 😅 i haven't forgotten, i'm just really swamped with real life stuff. i have a vv busy week at work & my phd supervisor breathing down my neck so it's gonna be a slow western on this page for the time being 🥲 i'm hoping things will clear up around summer enough that maybe i will have enough time to start re-reading some asoiaf 🙏

in the meantime i'll try to answer what i find more topical/funny (at least a part) and put some interesting stuff in the queue for you guys

anyway happy easter to you & thanks for dropping by 💝

[stereax]

woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way

but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D

anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎

[berrymeter]

i drew my hawke & anders being miserable it was fun

[koostattoos]

Endless Summer || j.jk

~ Pairing: jock!Jungkook x nerd!reader

~ Genre: academic rivals to lovers , fluff, angst, smut, college au, slowburn

~ Summary: Summer vacation was right around the corner. Being in a program that required you at the beach every day was a big pro. After seeing Jeon Jungkook at the same beach as you everything was ruined. Jungkook was the school’s heartthrob. Girls throwing themselves at him left and right, going to parties every other day, and coming in and out of those parties with different girls. Not to mention he’s the biggest dick you’ve ever met. Avoiding him was in your best interest. His being there threw avoiding him out the window. Summer can’t be that bad. Right?

~ word count: 13.4k

~ Warnings: golden era!jk (yes this is a warning) oral (m & f receiving), doggy, dom!jk, sub!reader, dirty talk, unprotected sex (be smart), aftercare, so much fluff!

~ A/n: God, this is my first time writing ever!! I really hope this finds the right audience and readers please enjoy. i pray this doesn’t come off as a boring story pls pls show some support, it’d be soooo appreciated 🫶🏼🫶🏼! Happy reading!

~

For the past thirty minutes you sat staring at your suitcase still trying to figure out what the hell to pack for the next months. The program that you joined had asked everyone if they wanted to go on a trip for extra credit to work for the beach down by Busan for junior year. Not that you needed it, you had zero plans made for this summer.

Niki’s out of town visiting her family for the summer and Sohee’s out doing what Sohee does, probably out exploring abandoned places or getting high somewhere. Who knows? You decided to get up and start packing. You walked over to your closet to skim over your outfits and carefully picked out a few outfits for the next few months. After two hours of packing, your phone dings with a notification from Niki

Niki: omg can’t believe it’s summer already! have fun on your little trip down to Busan. If anything happens call or text me right away! Luv ya!

You smile down at your phone. You and Niki have been friends for years, you first met in your freshman year of high school. She taught you everything, from how to do your make-up and style your clothes and all that fun stuff. Funny how you both got into the same college and ended up sharing the same dorm. She’s gone around the campus having different guys in and out. You would say you guys are complete opposites. You would rather stay in and watch a movie or something instead of going out and partying with drunk college students and grinding my body against sweaty skin.

After finishing up the last of your packing you respond.

Me: heyyy, omg I know! The school year went by so fast, say hi to your mom n dad for me and give Nani kisses for me! And of course, you’ll always be the first to know everything! Luv u too! Enjoy your summer ♡

Putting your phone down, you check when you are supposed to leave and meet everyone at the train station. The ticket said 8:00 am. You set your alarm for tomorrow and get ready for bed. Checking your phone for the last time you turn the lights off and drift off to dreamland.

~

Waking up to your alarm clock blaring in your ear. It’s near 6:00 am, you get up and start getting ready. Walking into the bathroom you bring out your skin care routine. After finishing up and brushing your teeth, you go back to where your vanity is and start with your makeup.

Choosing what to wear was easy, you chose a simple outfit. An oversized black hoodie, black parachute cargos, and white gamma forces. You come out of your room to the living room and take your bag off the counter and get the rest of the bags for the trip. The drive to the train station took longer than expected. Traffic was horrible. The ride was said to be only about 30 minutes, you ended up getting there about an hour later.

After blasting music on the way there you had finally arrived, you see a few of your classmates from previous classes and walk up to say hi. “Yunjin!” You shouted her name, catching her attention.

She waves at you and starts making her way over. “Oh my god hey girl!” She goes in for a hug and starts talking about the next two months. “This is so exciting! I’ve been waiting for this trip for so long, I hope we get free time because I’m too exhausted from all those tests.” She says with low shoulders. Out of nowhere she gasps and turns to you “You’ll never fucking guess who I just saw” You look at her with a curious face “Who?” she leans in closer “Jeon Jungkook”. Your face had gone red. Hearing Jungkook’s name coming out of her mouth left you shocked. Not forgetting the history, you and the boy had.

It all started in junior high in the 7th grade. You had finished your final tests of the year, and the scores were finally out for everyone to see. As you walked up to the board, expecting to read your name first as it always is on top of the board. Standing behind a tall boy with dark raven hair you moved to the side to peek at the score you had got.

Before you could even take a glance at the highest score the boy yells close to your ear. He jumps in the air and says “LETS FUCKING GO” he turns around and notices you, he looks you in the eye before walking away. You go up to the board and look for your name. Right above your name is Jeon Jungkook.

You couldn’t believe your eyes that he out of all people managed to score above you. You glare at him and say “Hey! Did you cheat?! There’s no way you have the highest score after me when you couldn’t even place last year!” He scoffs at you and looks at you with narrowed eyes “I’ve earned that spot being last doesn’t feel good right? Stop being such a conceited bitch and learn how to share the board. Accept you're not the smartest in the school” he snares and walks away. You had felt a surge of anger towards that day and couldn’t stand to be around him for the rest of your life. You promised yourself to avoid any contact with Jeon Jungkook and to make sure he never topped you again.

After staring at him for atleast five minutes you snap out of your thoughts. Looking over at Yunjin you say “What is he doing here? I’ve never seen him attend any of the meetings or give any interest in the program” she looks back at you after looking at him “Yeah, he and Yuno are close friends. I guess he brought it up to him and took it upon himself to ask Jungkook to the trip” she shrugs. You glance over at him again and see him talking to Yuno. You never noticed his pretty features. You hadn't seen him since you bumped into him at the café all those months ago. His hair got longer, he has more piercings, and a lot more tattoos on his right arm. Has he always looked this good?

No, thinking like this is wrong. You needed to remember all the cruel names he called you. You decided to look away after hearing the announcements on the speaker. “Train number 7 now boarding.” is heard. Going to grab your things a hand is placed on top of one of yours. You look up and you're met with those same eyes that looked at you with hate.

“You need help with that?” he smiles at you “No thanks I got it”. You quickly take the bag from his hand and board the train. Luckily, you had moved quickly enough so you could get a shared booth with Yunjin. You place your bags in the overhead compartment and get settled. It would take you about 3 hours to get there. Now settled in your seat you lay back with your head resting on the head rest and blast your music. Just as you became relaxed you felt your hoodie become wet with liquid.

“Oh shit, my bad” he says

You look up at the voice. Of course, it’s him. Jungkook looks up at you and rolls his eyes.

“Nice going dumbass” you say under your breath.

Yunjin grabs tissue from her purse to help and says “God, what the hell is his problem? He really had the audacity to walk away and not even apologies.” she said.

After heading to the washroom and putting on an extra T-shirt you had in your bag you walk back to your seat but not before you look up to see Jungkook, watching as you walk past him, you turn your head forward and sit back into your seat. This is going to be a long ride.

~

Arriving at the dorms was a hassle. Taking everyone's stuff off the train was a breeze but sorting everybody into two buses was more difficult than it should have been. Surprisingly enough you and Yunjin ended up sharing a bigger dorm with two other girls, Irene and Jini. You and Irene shared the same economics class and Jini had recently signed up for this program.

You walked around the building and noticed a pool and a hot tub placed in the back. The kitchen area was big enough for atleast fifteen people. Walking back to the common area, everyone went their own ways into their rooms and decided to meet up around one for lunch. After opening the door to your home for the next two months, you were met with the most beautiful window view. Looking out to the beach you could see the waves crashing against the shore and people enjoying their time with their families and loved ones.

After taking in the view, you walked over to your bag to pick an outfit out for lunch. You lift up one of the outfits you had picked out while packing. Touching up your makeup and getting your shoes on, you all leave to head down to meet everyone in the common area. As you walked out of your dorm, you were (yet again) met with the sight of Jungkook as you looked at each other. His dorm is right across from yours. Great! You had thought, this summer couldn’t get any worse. He looks at you up and down, smirks and walks away.

~

You walk down the stairs to see a few people waiting. As you were waiting, you met up with Irene and Jini, Yunjin was still getting ready as were a few other people. Looking around the room you catch Jungkook taking a glimpse of you with his hands in his pockets. He wore a fitted T-shirt with his arm full of tattoos on display along with cargo pants. You make eye contact with him for several seconds before looking away to find Yunjin.

Finally, everyone in count went into separate cars and explored what the city had in store for them. Busan was a big city; there was so much to do. An option you had was to look around for places you could eat at while you spent your time there. You decided to walk around and look at the stores. A small old lady had her hand out waving you over to her stand. “I have a beautiful bracelet that has your name written all over it,” she said.

“It’s really pretty but I'm not looking to buy anything right now” you kindly declined her offer

“Please have it for free, it compliments you so well” she raises her hand with the bracelet

It was decorated in white shells and blue starfish charms. You took the bracelet from her hand, and you thanked her. Finished figuring out where to settle you chose a restaurant that wasn’t far from where the car was parked.

Finding a table wasn’t difficult. The place wasn’t packed besides a few of the other students that chose the same spot were empty. The empty space was filled with the noise of the bell at the top of the door, you look up to see where the noise had come from and that’s when you see Jungkook. He stood there with Yuno and the rest of his other friends. He goes to sit at a table near yours.

You made eye contact, and he scoffed. You roll your eyes at him, and he speaks up

“Are you following me or something? You seem to be everywhere I am.”

You glare at him “Are you sure it's not the opposite? Every time I look up you happen to be where I am every single time”

He looks at you like you're mental “I think someone’s a little stalker we chose this place before you guys walked in” he sneered at you.

You look up to him and cross your arms, “I think the one obsessed is you, every damn time I look up there you are literally staring into my soul, what the fuck is your problem.”

“No problem here like you said I just happen to be here when you are” he shrugs

“Asshole” you mumble

Walking back to your table you feel his stare burning into the back of your head.

When you excuse yourself to the bathroom you couldn’t help but look up at Jungkook. He was laughing with his friends with his hands on his lap; manspreading. “God, damn it does he have to be so fine” You mumble under your breath

After freshening up you walk back to the table, and you see a girl next to him. She’s touching on his tattooed arm and giggling at what he said. You felt this weird sensation in your stomach. Was it jealousy? No way, but he can’t possibly be that funny she’s holding her stomach.

Walking back to the girls and sitting back down. Irene notices something off about your mood.

“Hey, are you okay?” Irene placed a hand on your back.

“You look a little red” You take your phone out to check your face. You needed to calm down.

“Oh, it’s just getting a little hot in here is all.” She gives you a soft smile and nods her head

After lunch was over, you decided to take a walk around the city to look around and find something to do to pass the time. Jini had found a photo booth near one of the stands selling handmade pictures “Guys!” she exclaimed “Let’s take some pictures!” Ten poses later, Yunjin found a bakery and got something to snack on while you looked around. After waiting for Yunjin and Jini you all decided to hang out and look at the scenery.

~

Walking back to the dorms it was sunset hour. The walk back to the dorms was breathtaking. The sun was setting low over the horizon, and the sounds of the waves crashing were soothing. When you got back to the dorms everyone filed to their rooms to relax and figure out the plan for what to do for dinner. You ended up texting Niki and telling her about today.

Me: Omg Niki, today was our first day of the beach program. We went out and explored Busan. It’s so beautiful over here I wish you could see for yourself.

Me: But you’ll never guess who I’m spending the next two months with

I wait for her to respond. It only takes a couple seconds until I see the three grey dots pop up on my screen.

Niki: Aww I miss you so much we should take a girl's trip soon! But pleaseeee tell me it’s not who I think it is

Me: Jeon Jungkook

Niki: NO YOURE LYING

You chuckle at her response

Me: I’m being serious

Niki: I thought he was stupid and didn’t show up to the meetings how did he know about this trip?

Me: Supposedly he’s friends with Yuno’s group and Yuno told him about the trip.

Waiting another few seconds until the three dots appear again.

Niki: Of course, he’s friends with them they all fuck around especially Jungkook

Me: You’re right, I should’ve known they were friends. Anyways I gotta get ready for dinner soon, I’ll update you if anything else happens.

This time she takes a few minutes

Niki: Alrighty! Enjoy your dinner and you BETTER tell me everything! I love you and stay safe!

You smile at her last text. Putting your phone down you start to get ready for tonight. The mentor wanted everyone to have dinner together so they could discuss the plans for tomorrow. Deciding to take a shower to wash off the sweat from today’s adventures and redo your makeup in a different style. You curled your hair and chose different shoes, deciding to go with low pumps to make walking around easier. The dress you had picked out was a simple little summer dress with small flowers decorated all over.

~

Walking downstairs you see Jungkook with Eunwoo talking. He’s cladded with a black blazer with a white shirt underneath paired with black dress pants and white shoes. In all honesty he looked handsome tonight. His hair is slicked back and he's wearing a chain around his neck with rings on his fingers.

As you make your way down the stairs, he looks up from Eunwoo to you. He looks back down and finishes his conversation with a smile.

“He looks like he’s about to eat you alive. I don’t blame him; you look so good” Yunjin says

You smile at her and compliment her back “Oh my God, are you kidding? You took my breath away the second you walked out of the room; I love your makeup” you say giggling. The mentor comes up and introduces himself when everyone seems to be present.

“Hello everyone, my name is Mr. Kwan I will be in charge of everything that goes on around here and I will be announcing our activities for the next month or so.”

You look around and your eyes land on Jungkook. He’s standing next to Yuno now with his arms crossed. He must have felt your stare because he turned his head towards you and then to the floor. You can make out a faint smirk on his lip. You look away with a confused expression and take your phone out to check if you have something on your face. Not seeing anything you shake it off and turn your attention to Mr. Kwan

“Tomorrow is when we start your tasks. I will assign each of you to a job and that’s the task you must do for that week, every other week each group will switch tasks. You will get to have a day off as a break. Do I make myself clear?” Mr. Kwan says.

There's a mix of yeses and head shakes. He takes out a clip board and tells us what to do next. “Okay, I have two boards with the list of names, please take turns finding your name on either one of these” He places them down on a table and asks, “Any questions?” One of the many students, Vernon, raised his hand and asked, “Can we go out after hours?”

“No, everyone should be in their rooms with lights off, no sneaking out or bringing outside guest” As you walk over to the beach cleanup board and find your name nowhere to be seen. Finally walking to lifeguard duty, there your name was. But right under it say. Jeon Jungkook.

This means you’d have to spend the next two months in the presence of Jungkook. Shaking your head, you turn around back to Yunjin to figure out what she had gotten. But instead, you're met with a firm chest. Looking up to meet the face of the person you see him; he has his hands on your elbows to stabilize me.

“Watch where you’re going.” he says with furrowed brows.

He lets go of you and walks over to the clip boards. You hear him chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” You asked him.

He turns around to face me and says, “I have to spend my days at the beach with you? For two months? I’m going to die if I even spend another minute with you.” he shakes his head pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Yeah, well I’m not so fond of you either Jeon. So, stop bitching about it, I’m not excited about it either” with that I roll my eyes and walk away.

~

At the restaurant everyone picked their own tables. You see Jungkook a few more tables down from where you’re sat, thank God. You took your seat next to Yunjin and talked about the events for the upcoming week.

“What did you get for this week?” I asked her.

“I have clean up duty. I heard the weather’s supposed to be nice so I’m not too worried” You clear your throat and sit up in your seat. “I have lifeguard duty and guess who I’m with.” You look over to Jungkook and he has a grin on his face with his arms crossed and his head tilted down.

“Oh no.” she says placing a hand on your arm

“I have to spend the next two months with him every single day. I don’t know how I’ll survive” you say rubbing your head.

~

Nearing the end of the dinner everyone gets up to leave and go back to the dorms. The restaurant was only a few minutes away, so some decided to walk. Those ‘some’ being you and your group, Jungkook and his, and a couple of other students. As you’re walking, you see Jungkook walking aside Yuno.

He has his hands in his pocket and he’s looking out at the beach. It looked beautiful tonight, the moon lit up the sand and the stars were beaming. Not looking at where you were stepping, you had tripped over your feet and waited to hit the floor. But you never made contact.

Instead, you feel a strong set of arms around your waist, and when you open your eyes; you see Jungkook looking down at you. You stayed still for a few seconds before he lifted you back up. His hold tight around you tight

“Be careful, idiot” he said before letting go

I stared at him. You had question why he didn’t just stand there and let you fall. He turned around to catch up with his friends and continued to walk back to the dorms like nothing happened

~

Back at the dorms everyone goes to their respected rooms and gets ready for bed. As Irene went to turn off the light, she heard a knock on the door. You get up from the bed and check to see who it is. When you open the door and you’re met with Jungkook and Yuno. Yuno speaks up and says, “Were going out, if you wanna join us you can.” Irene and Jini walk up to me

“Who’s at the door” Irene and Yuno meet eyes. He smiles at her.

“Um, were just gonna go out and hang, I was just saying that guys can come and join us if you want.”

“Uh yeah sure” she says.

“Alright, cool meet you guys down there in a few” You go to look up at him, but Jungkook had already had his eyes on you looking you up and down smiling. That’s when you realized you’re in a Hello Kitty pajama set. Looking down you quickly push past Irene and Jini.

Yunjin was fast asleep already, quietly making your way to the bathroom to get the stuff you need and change out of your clothes. You end up wearing a plain gray T-shirt with black baggy sweats

Finally done putting makeup on, only putting on some light foundation and lip gloss, you put on some white sneakers and start to head out with the girls. Closing the door softly, you walk out and see Jungkook with his arms crossed and back against the wall next to his door. He looks up and says, “Where are your Hello Kitty pajamas?” he chuckles. you stopped to glare at him and walk away. Before you could reach the first step, you felt his grip on my arm.

“Aren’t you scared were gonna get caught little miss goody two shoes” he raised his eyebrows.

“Go away, I’m only going out because YOUR friend invited us, and all my other friends are going out with you guys. I don’t want to be stuck in the dorm not doing anything.”

“And don’t judge my Hello Kitty pj’s I saw the big ass plush sitting on your bed when I went to go downstairs earlier”

He stops for a minute as he watches you ascend down the stairs. Hearing his loud footsteps following close behind you. Reaching the bottom of the stairs you see your friends waiting for you.

“What took you so long?” Jini asked

“Ask him” you point at Jungkook

“So where are we going?” you asked

“There’s a bonfire my friend is hosting. There’s gonna be so much we can do, I can’t stay in that tiny ass dorm all day” Yuno exclaimed. As you’re walking to the beach you feel someone walking next to you. Jungkook looks straight ahead as you make your way down to the bonfire. His hair is still damp from the shower he took, he’s wearing a gray crewneck with black shorts. His hands in his pocket he speaks up “Why are you on this trip?”

“I could be asking you the same thing. I haven’t seen you at a single meeting yet now all of a sudden, you’re interested?”

“Oh? So you pay attention to me now?” he looks down smiling

“No, it’s just that you never cared or even bothered listening to what anyone said about this program so now do you feel the need to participate in it?”

He looks everywhere but you.

“I don’t know, I heard someone was going to be here and decided fuck it and signed up.” he shrugs with his hands behind his back. You look up at him with a curious look on your face. As you were about to speak up you hear Yuno’s voice

“Yo, JK we could use a little help over here”

Jungkook looks back at you and says “Gotta go, don’t go tripping when I’m not here to catch you” he winks at you

He runs down to help the guys and you’re left confused.

~

Everyone was surrounded by the fire, drinking, and having a good time. Jungkook is across from where you’re sitting and he’s laughing about something his friend said. He looks up and meets your eyes and you quickly turn your head to look away. From the corner of your eye, Jungkook stands up to walk to the cooler next to him. He picks up a cool beer and makes his way over to you. He hands you the beer and sits next to you.

“How do you like it so far?” he asked

“Why are you being nice to me? You acted like you hated me the whole day” your eyebrows furrowed

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what it’s getting late, and I don’t have time to deal with you right now”

He stands up as the same time as you and grabs your arm “Wait”, you stop and look at him

“At least let me walk you back to the dorms”

Hesitantly agreeing, he lets go of your arm and you both make your way back to the rooms.

~

It’s the first day of your tasks. Everybody separates into different cars. The beach you’re working at is only a 30-minute drive. All the seats are taken except for the one next to the person you prayed you wouldn’t have to see until you got to the beach. Jungkook looked at you and looked down on his lap. You finally went to sit down next to him. You put your earphones in and blast your music so you wouldn’t have to hear him talk.

You wake up with your head heavy against something. When you open your eyes and feel Jungkook’s head on top of yours and your cheek against his shoulder. Immediately you raise your head –waking him up in the process- and hop out of the car.

Taking in a deep breath you walk over to the ledge of the hill the cars parked at and look over the edge. You close your eyes for a moment to take in the salty air of the sea. The wind is blowing your hair out of your face. Little did you know Jungkook was staring at you; admiring the way you looked so relaxed. After a few more seconds you turn your head and walk over to the car to grab your stuff

You already had your swimsuit on under an oversized T-shirt and some shorts. It was an open back black one piece you had bought the day prior to coming on the trip. You carry your bag down the sand but feel it lift off your shoulder. You look up and see Jungkook carry it all the way down to your stations.

“Okay everyone, listen up” Mr. Kwan yelled

“I have assigned everyone a partner to work with for the next week, please come up to me and tell me your name”

As you walk up to Mr. Kim you tell him your name and he tells you who he paired you with. Surprise again you’re with Jungkook. He calls him over and tells him what he told you. Jungkook looks down at you and you look up at him. He smirks and walks back to where he set your things. Following behind him you unpack your things.

You grab your sunscreen, squeeze a dollop into your hand, and you rub it all over your body; starting on your front. Jungkook stands next to you as he takes his shirt off, showing off his body. You stare up at him and admire him for just a second. He looks down and catches your eyes

“Are you staring at me?” he chuckled

Looking away quickly you say “No, I wasn’t”

“Sure, whatever you say, you need help with that?” he says as he points to you struggling to get your back.

“Yes, please” going to hand him the bottle he squeezed some on to his hand and moves your hair to the side. He glides his hand across the span of your back. He starts at your shoulders and works his way down to the middle of your back. His hands moving slowly, getting closer to your lower back.

You clear your throat, and his hands are to himself now. You lay your hair in it’s original spot and you stand to look at the beach full of people. It was only 9:00 in the morning yet the beach was packed. Walking over to your stand you climb the steps and take a seat. Jungkook walks over next to the stand, and he has a floaty in his hand. A couple of minutes pass by in silence before he speaks up.

“When do you want to switch spots?”

“When we see someone drowning”

He sighs and sits down.

~

After nearly an hour later a group of girls walk up to him, and they giggle as loud as they can staring at him. He looks up at the noise and stares at them. “Excuse me?” one of the girls says “Yes?” she extends her arm out “Do you mind taking a picture of us?” Jungkook grabs her phone and angles it. “One, two, three” he takes the picture. The girl reaches for her phone and pauses to look at him.

“Hey, are you free tonight?” she asked him

Watching the interaction between the two you roll your eyes. What you don’t notice is that Jungkook looks up at you and back down to the girl

“Uhm, no actually, I do have plans for tonight sorry.” He rejects her offers and hands her phone back to her.

She has a disappointed look on her face and a sad smile plastered on her face. “It’s okay, I hope you have a good rest of your day”. With that she walks away.

Now at the end of the day and the sun getting lower, you and Jungkook switched spots through half of it. Taking turns every so often. He would try to make small talk, but you always managed to find a way around it. He looks up at you and calls your name

“You wanna jump into the water real quick” he says as he watches you make your down from the booth.

“No thanks, I wasn’t planning on getting wet unless I needed to.”

“Oh c’mon just real fast. The weather is nice around this time” he begged

“Jungkook I sai-”

Before you can finish your sentence, your body is being carried over his shoulders. You throw soft punches at his back and yell at him.

“Jungkook put me down! I’m not playing with you right now!” you screamed in his ear.

He ignores you and laughs loudly. His feet meet the water, once he's deep enough into the ocean he plunges you till you're soaked.

Emerging from the water you pull your hands back over your hair. Jungkook stops and stares at you. Admiring your beauty, when you catch him staring, he doesn’t look away this time. This time he stares into your eyes. It’s that has to look away.

“What?” you said

“Nothing” he clears his throat and looks down at the water

“We should probably head back to the car. The sun is starting to set”

You nod quietly and make your way to the shore. After one last glance at Jungkook, you walk over your things.

The walk back to the car was silent. He offered to carry your bags for you. You had rejected his offers repeatedly, but he insisted on carrying them up the steep hill back up. The way back was anything but smooth. The road was bumpy which ended with you and Jungkook bumping arms after every bump, it was summer which meant humid air. Your skin is slick with sweat. Wishing you were back to the dorms so you could soak in the hot tub.

~

When everyone got back to the hotel Mr. Kwan let everyone roam freely. You decided to head upstairs to your room to relax before going to the backyard spot of the building. When you open the room, you’re met with Yunjin and Irene.

“God, the sun has me so exhausted I could crash right now.” you said as you lay on your bed, body spread into a star fish.

“I know, who knew the beach would be full of that much trash” Yunjin complained

“Atleast we get to switch off, so we feel as equally as drained” you told her

“Yeah, lifeguarding was so easy. All we did was sat there in the sun and waited for someone who needed help in the water” Irene added

“Well lucky you guys, I literally took laps around the whole beach and still managed to find a piece of trash in the place I was already in.” Yunjin rolled her eyes playfully

“Well if you guys aren’t tired, you wanna join me in the backyard area?”

“No, you guys go ahead. I think I’m just gonna crash after I clean myself up. My body’s gonna be so sore tomorrow” she complained

“Yeah, I was planning on walking into the city and look for more things we can do while were here” Irene said

Looks like it was just you tonight.

~

When you woke up from your nap you looked at the clock and it read 8:00 pm. It was much later than you anticipated it to be. You get up from your bed and walk over to the bathroom. Turning on the sink you splash some water onto your face to wake yourself up a little more. You walk over to your drawer and pick out one of the bikinis you have packed.

It was a simple black two piece with bows on both sides of the hip. Covering your body up with only a T-shirt you make your way downstairs with a towel in hand and slippers on your feet. You open the gate and walk past the pool area to get to the hot tub. Before you left you grabbed a small speaker you planned on bringing and placed it next to the table near you. Playing calm music, you sink down into the water and relax your muscles.

It’s not a few minutes later you hear the gate crack open. You open your eyes and your met with the sight of Jungkook. He hadn’t put a shirt on before coming down there. His abs were out for display, his tattoos pretty as ever in the moonlight. His biceps are so visible that you almost faint. He looks to see where the music was coming from and catches sight of you in your bikini. Shirt thrown over the table with the speaker close to you. He walks over to you.

“Hi” he says lowly he stands behind you and his arms are leaning against the edge of the hot tub. His face hovering over yours. Your breath hitches as you realize how close he is.

“Hi’ you say quietly.

He moves so he can climb into the pool with you. Jungkook sits on the opposite side of you and relaxes in the water as you did. After a beat of silence, he speaks up

“I haven’t properly talked to you since” he pauses

“Ever actually”

You scoff and turn your head to the side in disbelief

“Yeah, I wonder why”

“Do you really hate me that much? All of that happened years ago, why can’t you just let it go?”

“Jungkook you called me names and you made me miserable. Not having those top grades; I would be punished so harshly because I wasn’t smart enough for my parents. I still hate you to this day because you never realized how much hurt you put me through?! There were so many times I've overheard you talk so lowly about me. Jungkook we didn't even know each other!"

"So, to answer your question, yes, I do hate you. Stop trying to talk to me out of the blue and act like we're friends because we're not. Leave me alone" Before you can get up to leave you feel his grasp tight around your wrist.

"Hey, look, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry I did all of that. But cut me some slack, I was failing and I finally got my shit together until you came in with your perfect grades and knocked me down. But like I just said this is all in the past. Can you please forget it?" he pleads

You pause for a moment, were you overreacting? Possibly. But you will never forget the cruel words he spoke about you. One last look over at him and you retreat back to your dorm.

~

It’s been a week since your last encounter with Jungkook. He hasn’t made any moves to try and talk to you. Your group was now doing trash pick-up around the beach. It was supposed to be hotter than the week before now that it’s getting later into the summer.

As you were walking around the beach to do your task you had a slight feeling of dizziness, but you decided to ignore it. You brushed it off as a headache due to skipping lunch and only having water. It was then that you realized that wasn’t the case because before you could lean back up from picking up a piece of trash you stumble back. Jungkook notices this and quickly runs over to you.

He stood behind you support you with his arm wrapped around your neck.

“Are you okay? You look pale, do you need water? Or I brought a few snacks in my bag before we left, do you want me to grab one for you?” he said quickly laying you down on the sand.

“Water is fine, thank you”

He walks over to his bag to give you his water bottle he drank from earlier. You quickly took a few gulps and retracted it from your lips. Jungkook looks down at you with a worried look.

“Look, I’m fine just give me a few minutes and I’ll be up good as new.”

“No, just stay here there isn’t that much left to be picked up. Stay in the shade until I come back. I won’t be too long” He walks away to finish your tasks with gloves over his hands also with a bag, and a trash scoop.

It’s minutes later that he’s back kneeling in front of you check how you were feeling.

“You don’t look so pale anymore. We should be done for today; the sun is already starting to set, and we should be heading back now.” he says as he looks at you.

He turns his back still in a kneeling position and you look at him confused.

“What are you doing?”

“Get on my back. You’re too tired to walk up the hill, I don’t want you passing out.”

“I’m not gonna pass out Jungkook. Stop being so dramatic” you say in an annoyed voice.

“Just get on my back” he demands.

You sigh and hop on his back like he asked. He had his bag swung around to the front of his body. He stands up and carries you like you weigh nothing. After reaching the top of the hill he sets you down and you thank him quietly. You both walk back to the car where everyone else is and drive back to the dorms.

~

As you and Jini were done putting on your face masks you hear and sudden knock on the door. When you open the door, you’re face to face with Jungkook. He looks up to see your bare face. It takes him a minute to get his words out

“My friends and I were gonna head out to get some drinks if you wanna join us”

You look at him with astonishment. Thinking back to your conversation from a week ago. Before you could decide against it Jini walks up to the door.

“Hey, Jungkook. Why are you over here so late? Shouldn’t you be in your dorm?” she asked

“Uh, yeah, I am but I was just asking if you guys wanted to come out with us tonight. Were just going out for drinks at this club I found not too far from here.”

“Oh sure! We’d love to go!” she says as she looks at you

You sigh and smile at her.

“Okay great come down whenever you're ready and meet us in the common area.” he says before walking away back into his room.

After you close the door, you walk over to the other girls and ask them if they wanted to go out with you.

“Oh yeah! Sure, we haven’t been out drinking in a while. And it’s nice to get out and away from the program and the dorms for a little bit.” Irene replied

“Yesss, I need to get out. I’ve been couped up in this building for far too long.”

Now with everyone’s agreement you all get dressed pretty for your night out. Grabbing a dress, you took out a SKIMS black dress that fitted you perfectly. You threw a cropped leather jacket with it and black heels. Your neck was decorated with a small chain, and you put your hoops on. The makeup look you went for was light. It consisted of eyeliner, mascara, and natural colored lipstick.

Once everyone was dressed you all headed downstairs to meet up with the guys. As you landed on the last step you look up at everyone. More specifically Jungkook. He had on a black jacket with black cargo pants. He also had chucky sneakers to go along with it. His ears were clad with multiple earrings, and you look down to his lip and see his lip piercing. He looked extremely good for tonight. He makes his way over to you.

“Are you guys ready?” he asked everyone, but his eyes stayed on you.

Yuno had ordered an Uber to drive to the club everyone jumped into the car and that left you sitting next to Yunjin. Jungkook was sitting by the window with Jini in between him and Eunwoo. Yuno and Irene had to order a seperate car because they wouldn’t fit into the car you were all in.

~

At the club there seemed to be a long line. Eunwoo knew a quicker way in and you followed behind him. You entered from the back way, where no one else could see you.

“Why don’t you guys go find a seat. We’ll get the drinks for you” Jungkook yelled over the music so you could hear better.

“Okay” you yelled back as you looked around for a big table.

The room was filled with strobing lights and heavy-based music. The dance floor was full of sweaty bodies. The air around you was humid "I feel so suffocated in here" you said aloud

" You wanna go outside for a minute" Jungkook came up beside you and placed a hand on your back.

"No, it's fine I'll get used to it" you smile at him.

The boys came back with your drinks and set them down in front of you. They had bought multiple shots and took them one by one.

Once you all had a decent amount of alcohol in your system you moved to the dance floor. Irene led everyone as they all followed behind. Jungkook was closest to you. He tried his hardest to keep his hands to himself, but you were making it difficult.

Your hips move to the beat of the song. He watched as you dance like you didn’t give a damn about anything. He smiled as he watched you in your own world. Jungkook starts to dance along with you, and you turn around and move with him. His hands now on your waist as you put your hands around his neck. His hands moved down to clasp around your lower back. He leans his head forward so it’s now resting against yours. You look up into his eyes and then down to his lips. You lean in closer, and then you're interrupted.

“You mind if I cut in?” a random man from the crowd asks

You now feel uncomfortable as you let go of him. He walks in front of you and stands protectively with one hand on your arm. Jungkook looks at the guy and his jaw clenches.

“Look man were just trying to relax and have fun. Leave us alone” he defends. You look down and see his hands clutched into a fist.

“I came out to have some fun too.” You turn your head towards the man

“And it looks like she’s getting a little bored” he laughs

“She’s fine, look if you don’t get the fuck out of here there gonna be a fucking problem” Jungkook yells.

The man starts to walk closer and extends his hands up to you. You clutch the back of Jungkook’s jacket tightly. He moves forward and swings at the man.

“What did I tell you. Get the hell out before I knock the shit out of you.” he yelled.

“Jungkook stop, let’s go” you grab his arm and try to pull him away.

Before you can move him away the man stands back up and tries to hit him before he can dodge it. He moves a little too slow and gets punched. He looks down to his hand and sees red cover his fingertips. Jungkook goes in for another swing and knocks him to the floor.

“Jungkook!! Stop it, just leave it alone so we can go” He looks up at you and turns away. You walk back to the table to collect your things so you can leave the club. You reminded yourself to text the others to let them know that you left. Jungkook sits on the curb, and you kneel in front of him. You pull out a tissue from your purse and put it up to his nose. After a beat of silence, you were the first to speak up.

“You know, I think I hate you a little less now” you say with a smile

He looks up at you and chuckles

“Thank you, for doing that. I don’t know what I would’ve done. And I’m sorry you got hit”

“Don’t mention it. As long as you’re okay, then I’m good” he says.

You smile to the floor and decide to order an uber so you could go back to the dorms

As you’re about to walk into your door you turn around and stop Jungkook before he could enter his room

“Jungkook, thank you again. I had fun tonight, minus the fight” you giggle

“I’m glad you did, goodnight” he smiles

“Goodnight Jungkook”

~

You’re back on lifeguard duty this week. It’s a bunch more calm than the first week of lifeguarding. Instead of sitting and switching spots for hours and not doing anything, you were able to roam around. As you were sitting on the chair you spoke up

“Hey, are you thirsty? I was gonna walk over to that hut to get something to drink” you point into the diretion of the stall.

“Nah, I’m good, thank you.”

Standing to walk away, Jungkook can’t stop thinking about that night as he watches you make your way. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way you had your arms around. And how you trusted him to protect you. How close your lips were before that guy interrupted. He shakes his head from his thoughts and thinks about something else.

When you walk up to the stall you order a lemonade. You pay the man and wait for your drink. Looking around to see if anybody else was around, you see a guy. He’s about your age and much taller than you. He notices you looking at him and you turn your head back to the bar. From the corner of your eye you see him make his way towards you.

“Hey” he said as he tries to catch your attention. You turn your head towards him and greet him back.

“Hi” you smile at him

“Are you around here? I’ve never seen you before”

“Ah no, I’m not, I’m here for a program I volunteered for. I’m a lifeguard.” you told him

“Oh really? That seems like fun, I’m Kai by the way”

You tell him your name “It may seem like fun, but really all I do is sit and watch the people enjoy their time as I bake in the sun.”

He laughs at that. He clears his throat and speaks again

“Um, my friends and I are playing volleyball further down the beach. If you want to you can join us?”

Before you could answer Jungkook comes behind you and puts a hand around your waist. You look down to his hand up to him. He’s wearing his sunglasses over his head.

“Actually we have to get back to our dorm after our shift. We’re a bit busy at the moment.” he says with a smile on his face.

Kai looks at him with a surprised expression on his face. He looks down to you, you aswell have a look of confusion plastered across your face. Kai looks down and chuckles.

“Alright, sorry for asking.” with that he walks away his ego a little bruised.

“What the hell are you doing?” you look up at Jungkook.

“I was getting thirsty. And you were taking forever so I wanted to check on you.” he shrugs.

“You didn’t need to check up on me. I was fine” you roll your eyes at him

“Plus he was cute. I was so close to getting his number”

After hearing you say that Jungkook’s jaw clenches. He absolutely hates that he feels this way right now. Deciding to brush it off you both make your way back to your spot. Getting closer to the end of your shift. You start to pack your things as the beach dies down.

~

Back at the dorms Mr. Kwan decided to gather everyone for dinner to celebrate your hard work for the past month. Once you and Jungkook make it back he helps you take your things out of the car and follows you up to your room.

When you turn your back to him he waits for you to unlock the door; “Thank you” you say to him. He hands you your bags and stops for a minute. The air is stuffy around you. You wait for him to speak up and say something. But his lips never move.

Before you know it, his face is leaned over yours, and your lips are over his.

The kiss is soft. Your heart is beating out of your chest, and you need to stop to catch your breath. Parting from his lips you look up into his eyes, noses touching; he takes a deep breath before walking away to his room, leaving you dazed and speechless; not knowing what to do you stand there and try to comprehend what had just happened.

Yunjin is on the other side of the door when you walk in. She looks up at you. “What happened?” she asked. You unintentionally ignore her and walk to the bathroom. Your face is burning with rosy cheeks. You replay the kiss in your head. It was completely out of the blue and caught you off guard. How were you supposed to act normal the next time you saw him. The dinner was in less than 3 hours. With all the extra time you decide to get ready and drift your mind elsewhere.

~

After everyone had finished getting ready. When you and Irene make it down the stairs Irene heads straight to Yuno. The night of the club you never heard her come back to the dorm. You suspected she had spent the night with him. She had her arms around his waist looking at him with hearts in her eyes.

Now by yourself you look around for any of your friends. You see Jungkook; he looks at you, but he doesn’t do anything. He meets you eye and looks away to his friend. The feeling you felt in your chest was confusion, anger, and a little hurt. How could he kiss you like that and act like it didn’t happened? Turning your body to find Yunjin; she walks down the stairs and her face lights up when she spots you.

“Okay, are you ever gonna tell me what the hell happened before you walked through our door or what. Your face was so red.” she asked curiously

“I’ll tell you later, I don’t want to think about it right now”

She looks at you with a worried look and shakes her head. Everyone gets into a car and the driver drives to the restaurant.

~

Once all the students were seated, Mr. Kwan raises his glass and clinks it with the back of a butter knife. “I would like to praise you all for working so hard for this past month” he says enthusiastically. He raises his voice an octave higher “With all your hard work I would like to give you the last 3 weeks of this month free, please relax, enjoy yourseleves, and have fun. You all earned it” he announces. A bunch of chattering is heard all around. “Now, please enjoy your dinners”

From across the room you see Jungkook laughing and chatting with his friends. Looking at him made you feel this sense of anger. Why are you mad at him when you hate his guts? Why are you did you feel that way when he had his soft lips over yours? Why were you feeling those emotions when you saw that girl flirt with him down at the beach? Why are you feeling all these things about him now?

Why

Why

Why?

All of these questions spiraling through your head like a mantra. Not taking the overthinking you walk out the resturaunt to get some fresh air. When you walk past his table he sees you walk to the exit. Jungkook excuse himself from his friends; he stands and walks into the direction you took.

He looks through the glass door and sees you pacing with your hands on your hip and a hand in your hair. You turn to the sound of the door opening. Jungkook stood there and walked closer to you. But, you take a step back.

“What was that” you ask him.

“What was what?” he has a confused look on his face

“Why are you playing dumb?! You’re just gonna act like you never kissed me and... and I wouldn’t do anything about it?” you exclaimed at him. Your emotions were all over the place. You had no idea how to handle them

He says your name quietly “It was just a stupid kiss, no big deal”

Suddenly, you felt a burning sensation in the back of your eyes. You didn’t know for sure how you felt. But you were sure there was something there.

“Okay” quietly

“I was just being stupid and thought something different but I guess I was wrong” you nod your head and make your way back into the resturaunt.

The tears dropping down onto your cheek made you feel pathetic. Pathetic for making you think that Jeon Jungkook had changed over the years. For thinking that Jeon Jungkook had real feelings for you. Before you walk back to the table you check yourself one last time to make sure your eyes weren’t puffy and your nose wasn’t red. Right now you weren’t in the mood for questions.

Sitting back down at your table and you see Jungkook come back from where you left him. He has his head down with a look of sadness on his face. He sits down next to his friends; less content than how he was before you left to go outside.

~

On the way back to the dorm Yunjin notices that your mood has dropped significantly since you came back into the resturaunt. When you finally settle into your dorm she asks you again, “Okay, for real this time, what the hell is up with you. You’ve been acting so different lately”

And that’s when you explain everything to her. From the kiss and to your conflicted feelings. In all honesty you don’t even know where you stand with Jungkook anymore. You’re between hating him and possibly having the fatest crush on him.

It’s then when it’s later into to the night you decide to call Niki. You missed talking to your best friend. It’d been a while since you last spoke to her.

After three rings she picks up the phone

“Hey babe! How��s the trip been so far? I haven’t spoke to you in so long is everything okay?” she speaks in a soft voice. That’s what you loved about her. She was there for you anytime of the day. You would be okay even if you hadn’t spoke to each other for days at a time. That's the type of friendship you had with her.

“Ugh Niki, I miss you so much. So much has happened and I need to tell you.”

“Oh no, what happened? Did something bad happen?! Did you get hurt?!” she says panicked.

“No no, I’m okay but something did happen.” you reassure her.

“Okay please tell me, you’re scaring me”

“Jungkook kissed me” the line is silent for a moment before it’s not.

“HE WHAT?” she yells into your ear

You have to pull the phone away because of how loud she was.

“He kissed me after one of shifts today. I confronted him about and I feel so stupid for thinking that he liked me because right after I asked him about it he said ‘it wasn’t a big deal’.” you tell her in a sullen tone.

“God is he dumb? Why would you kiss someone randomly and admit that it was nothing?” she sounded irritated.

“Exactly my thoughts. I’m so confused Niki one moment I don’t care about him and the next some girl is giggling next to him touching his arm and I feel so annoyed”

She sighs and calls your name calmly “I may be wrong but it sounds like you have feelings for him”

You pause and register what she just said. You? Had feelings for Jeon Jungkook? Everything is starting to come together in your head. You finally speak up

“Yeah, I think I do”

~

It’s been about a week since the dinner. You hadn’t seen Jungkook. The only few times you’d seen him was when you went downstairs to eat breakfast or when he left his room to go elsewhere. But tonight was different. With the free time you were given you spent it at the beach. You hadn’t gone swimming in the ocean for quite some time so you decided to put on a bikini, threw on some clothes you had laying in your drawer, and grabbed a towel from one of the cabinets in the hall.

You made your way down to the beach by yourself and brought your mini speaker with you. The playlist you had put on was a slow playlist. You watched the sun set while the song My Love is All Mine by Mitski played in the background. While the sun was still out you decided to take off your clothes and go into the water

From afar Jungkook spots you standing near the water; the waves are calm; he admires you from where he’s standing. You, completely unaware of his presence you dip your body into the water until it touches your waist. Your hair flowing in the soft wind. Behind you, you hear the water moving. When you turn your body to the sound; there he is. He’s standing with his shirt off arms out to see and his abs for show.

Completely in awe you snap out of it and turn back around.

“What do you want” you ask quietly.

“What? It’s a public beach. It’s not like you reserved this spot” he retorts back

“No, Jungkook. What do you want.” You hear him sigh. He takes a deep breath and finally says

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I kissed you so suddenly, I’m sorry I made you feel the way you did after I said that kiss was nothing, I’m sorry because that kiss made me feel so much.” he pleads. He places his arms on your waist and continues. “I’ve wanted to give you that kiss since I first saw you at the train station. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since we bumped into each other at the café”

It had been several months since that incident.

You walked in on a cool spring day. The bell chimed at the top of the door as you made your way over to the counter. After you had made your order, you turned to walk over to a table. But before you can take a step you bump into something –or more something- you look up and see Jeon Jungkook. You hadn’t seen him since the beginning of sophomore year. He looks down at you with an irritated look; but when he sees your face his expression drops. You looked so cute with your double layers on; making you look so soft and hugable; your hair was up in a clip and your cheeks were rosy from the cold.

“Sorry” you had told him quickly and made your way over to your table. Jungkook was surprised it was you. You had grown into such a beautiful woman. He couldn’t take his eyes off you. From then on, he couldn’t get you to escape his mind.

“I heard from Yuno about this trip and figured you’d go, I thought this would be my chance to make things right between us. I’m so sorry I said all those things to you while we were growing up, I was stupid and let my ego get in the way. So, when I first saw you it’s like I couldn’t see anything else but you.” he confesses.

All of this new information being thrown at you, you don’t know what to do with it. You had thought for all those years and all this time the hate between you two was mutual. You couldn’t have been more wrong.

“I want you to understand my feelings for you. I want to try and make it w-” before he can even finish his sentence you pull him by his hair and connect your lips. He raises his eyebrows and sinks into the kiss. His tongue slips into your mouth. He places his hands under your jaw and his other on your waist. Without breaking the kiss, he picks you up; you wrap your legs around his waist. The sun has set by now and it’s starting to get cold. He let’s go of your lips and look into your eyes. You move your lips closer to his ear and whisper “You wanna go warm up somewhere else?”

Quickly, he drags you out of the water while you giggle into the air. He places you down and hurriedly picks your things up. He grabs your hand, and you make your way back to his dorm. His roommates are supposed to be out tonight; you had the whole room to yourselves.

~

Pushing you against the door he smacks his lips against yours. You sneak your hands under his shirt and feel his abs flex against your fingertips. You move to lift his shirt off his body. He kisses down your neck; he lifts your shirt over your head and your left with your bikini top and your shorts. He lifts you off the floor and manhandles you onto his bed. You lay on your back and look up at him. Your legs are spread with him standing between them. He glides his hand up your thighs and he drags your shorts down your leg.

You’re left with just your bikini on now. He kisses you on your inner thighs close to where you need him the most. Jungkook grabs the bow that ties your bikini together and undoes it. Your heat is exposed to the cold air. He kisses your hip getting closer to your pussy; his hot breath touches your lips, and you gasp quietly. Finally, he makes contact; he glides his tongue through your folds, and you make small sounds of pleasure. His tongue makes figure eights over your clit; he moves his hand under your thighs to pull you closer to his mouth. His strong grip has you breathless.

Jungkook squeezes your inner thigh and gives small kisses around your cunt. He dives back in and the only thing in the air is the sound of him slurping and licking up your slick. You moan his name out loud and place your hands in his hair.

“Jungkook” you moan out loud

“Say that again, baby. Let me hear you” he says

“Ugh, Jungkook please, please don’t stop.” you plead desperately

“Yeah, that’s it. Who’s making you feel good?”

“You! You are Jungkook!” you shout

You start to feel the pressure in your lower tummy. You tightly close your eyes, and you see stars. He pushes you through your orgasm and finally pulls away after you pull on his hair so he’s hovering over your face. You bring him down to kiss you. He slips his tongue in and kisses you softly. You can taste yourself on his lips. Jungkook pulls away and scans your face. Your fucked out gaze looking up at him. He places his hand over your cheek and stares at you.

“You’re so God damn beautiful. So pretty like the stars. I can look at you forever.” he says to you lowly. You look up into his boba eyes, you can see the galaxy in them. He looked so pretty up closely.

He leans in and kisses you next to your cheek. He kisses your neck and then, he pushes himself up. He’s on his knees in front of you. You can see his outline through his shorts. You go to sit up and place a hand over him. He looks down at you and you place soft pecks over his covered cock. He groans loudly; you then start to play with the waistband of his shorts; slowly you pull them. He’s left bare in front of you. You move your hand to stroke him. Feeling his prominent veins; you thumb at his throbbing tip and place soft kisses over it.

“Baby, what are you doing to me.” He looks down at you and strokes your hair.

“Can you take me in your mouth? Or am I too big for you” he teases

You laugh at that “I don’t know, why don’t we find out”

You like a stripe down his length and stop at his tip. Looking up into his eyes; his lips are parted and he breathless. His hand is placed on the back of your head. Finally, you take him into your mouth, starting slow. He moans and tilts his head back, his grip on your hair tightens. You bob your head back and forth, using your tongue and swirling it around his tip. Your hand moves to fondle his balls, and this makes his cock twitch. Hips moving to the rhythm of your mouth and his hand guiding you to his dick.

“Can I fuck your mouth baby?” You look up at him and nod.

“Tell him if I’m hurting you. Tap on my thigh if you want me to stop” With that he slams his cock to the back of your throat. You take deep breaths as you gag on him. Your nose hitting his pelvis he speeds up his thrusts.

“Fuck yeah, that’s it sweetheart. Doing so good for me” he praises you.

When you reach down to your pussy you can feel you’ve gotten wetter. He looks down to your where your hand was and pulls you away for a second

“Nuh uh, who said you could touch yourself? Only good girls get what they want if they behave” he reprimands

He pulls you back onto him and starts at the pace he was at before.

Before he can finish in your mouth, he pulls you away.

“Fuck I need to finish inside you. Can I do that, baby?” he asks you for reassurance

You nod up to him.

“I need you to say it, honey”

“Yes, please” you moan

“Turn around, ass up face down” he demands

He looks down between your ass and his cock. He then looks up between your shoulders. Your hair thrown over your shoulder and your top still on. Jungkook moves his hand along your back and unties what’s left of your bikini.

“Fuck” he says under his breath. Finally, he takes hold of his length and drags it along your folds. You whimper silently patiently waiting for him to enter you.

He strokes himself a few more times; you feel him enter you. Gasping loudly, he groans into your ear and moves at a slow pace.

“More, Jungkook, please” you beg

“Since you asked nicely” Suddenly he pounds into your hips. You can feel him in your stomach. His pace is rapid; hard.

“You’re so deep Jungkook, fuck!” you moan.

Repeating his name repeatedly like a song. You can feel his cock twitch inside of you. You can feel every vein that around him. Every thrust you feel them against your walls. He lifts your body until your back hits his chest. His hands over your tits squeezing. Rolling your nipples between his fingers. He kisses your neck, and he places his hand over your abdomen. “God, I can feel myself inside of you, baby” you whimper into his neck. And that’s when you finally snap. You tighten around him.

“God! Jungkook! You make me feel so good, baby” you cry.

With three final thrusts he finishes inside you. Breath heavy he slowly moves, milking himself in your tight cunt.

He places you down on his pillow and slowly removes himself from you. You whimper quietly from the loss of the feeling of him inside.

“I need to clean you up and you need to go pee” he says

Picking up his shirt that you threw across the room he wipes you down and you twitch from sensitivity. When he’s done, he looks over your face and giggles.

“Come on, honey. I’ll help you shower when you’re done.”

“Okay” you say softly.

~

After your shower you and Jungkook lay in his bed. He’s not expecting his roommates to comeback; they had gone out clubbing and he assumed they’d be out all night in someone else’s bed. Your head placed over Jungkook’s naked chest you draw shapes over his chest. Jungkook grabs your wrist and notices one of the bracelets you're wearing.  

“You never thanked me for this” he says holding your wrist still  

“What are you talking about? This old lady gave it to me for free a few weeks ago when we first got here” 

He chuckles at you “That was me, I paid for it and asked her to play a part. Apparently she played her part well because you had no idea.” he boops your nose. You scrunch your face; you look up at him in disbelief.  

“I can’t believe you do that, what if she talked to the wrong girl, huh?” you said amusingly 

“Then some random girl would’ve gotten a free bracelet” he shrugs.  

You laugh at him. “Well, thank you for this” you look up at him and peck his lips.  

He digs his face into your neck and mumbles a small “Of course”  

Then, you feel his lips press small kisses into the juncture of your neck, you start laughing. All of a sudden, he stops. He lifts his head so he’s looking at you.  

“What are we?” he asks  

Realizing you never really told him how you felt. Isn’t it obvious though?  

“I could ask you the same thing Jeon”  

Whispering your name, he says “I really like you; I want to make up for my behavior throughout the years I’ve known you. I feel so guilty because of the way I treated you. I’m sorry I ever said those mean things to you, baby” he wraps he arms around you; cuddling you. 

“I forgive you” you hug him around his broad shoulders. “I like you too, Jungkook. Can we forget all of that? I want us to focus on the future only now.”  

He nods at you and smiles. “Sooo, does this make you, my girlfriend?” he asks with a cheeky smile.  

Giggling at his silly smile you nod “Yeah, I guess so, boyfriend”  

He buries his into your neck again and sighs contently. It’s not long before you two are cuddling in the sheets and hes whispering sweet nothings into your ear as you drift off to sleep.  

~ 

The next morning, you wake up to the other side of the bed empty. The sun is shining brightly in your face. You look down to your body and see the shirt Jungkook must have put on you while you were sleeping last night. You get up from the bed and walk over to the bathroom; but you don’t register the already running water turning off. When you walk in you see Eunwoo naked walking out of the shower. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry” you cover your eyes and quickly walk out. Picking up clothes that were thrown across the room from the previous night you manage your way back to your own room.  

Thankfully, the girls are out doing their own thing. You walk to your own bathroom and clean yourself up a bit before walking downstairs to the kitchen. The air is filled with the smell of pancakes, eggs, and bacon. Turning the corner you see Jungkook in a fitted sports t-shirt, over the stove cooking.  

You walk up to him and wrap your arms around his torso.  

“Good morning” you say in a sleepy voice 

“Hi, sweetheart” he turns his body so he facing you now. He leans down to peck your lips. His nose brushing against yours. You smile at him.  

“How did you sleep last night?” Looking up at him with an amusing look 

“Well you put to sleep pretty damn good last night so I’d say a ten out of ten” you laugh as you get your coffee ready. He sneaks up behind you and puts his hands around your waist. 

“I did, huh?” he lowly says into your ear.  

He sways you side to side and digs his face into your neck.  

“I was thinking maybe we can go out today and we can hang out in the city. We haven’t been here in a while; I want to see if they changed anything.” 

This was Jungkook’s hometown. He basically knew everyone. When he finished cooking your breakfast you both sat together in comfortable silence and ate.  

Finishing up your meals, you volunteered to clean up the dishes, but he was persistent in doing them himself. After fighting for about ten minutes, you give up and walk upstairs to get ready for the day. The outfit you chose was perfect for the weather. Your makeup was simple, and your hair was casting down your shoulders. When you finish putting on your shoes you hear a knock on your door. 

Walking up to open it you see Jungkook wearing a big puffer jacket, white tank top, and light blue jeans. His hair slightly covers his eyes. The chain around his neck and his piercings does something to you. You look up at him and smile.  

“Hi” looking at him with stars in your eyes.  

You look so undeniably cute. With little bows in your hair and your soft cheeks looking at him. He looks down at you and leans in to peck you on the lips.  

“C’mon, let’s go”  

~ 

The weather today wasn’t as harsh as those other sunny bright days. It’s a bit colder than the last few weeks. It was a good thing you brought an extra jacket just in case. You cand Jungkook walk down the streets hand in hand. Looking around for the places you used to hang out at with your friends when you were still in grade school. 

When you found the –now small- playground you and Niki used to play at, you let go of Jungkook’s hand and ran to it.  

Gasping out loud you say “Oh god, it’s so much small than I remember. I haven’t been here in years.” amazed by how time flies by so quickly. Jungkook watches you with a fond smile as you reminisce on the old times. You sit down on the swings and gently swing your legs back and forth. Jungkook stands next to the swing as he watches you. The sun was shining on you and he looks at your eyes they’re glowing as you look down the sand with a smile on your face.  

He goes to stand in front of you and holds on to the chain and stops you from swinging. You look up at him when you see his shoes appear in front of you. His hands over yours and he leans in close to your face.  

His lips locking with yours in a soft kiss. He pulls back and he says “You’re so beautiful.” he places a hand on your cheek.  

He looks into your eyes and he makes a promise.  

Saying your name in a low voice he says “I promise you, I will to take care of you for as long as you let me. I promise I won’t hurt you. I promise to stay” 

You look up into his eyes with tears laying on your water line. Moving your head to lay on his forehead. 

Then, you pull him into a kiss.  

“I promise, I don’t hate you Jeon Jungkook” 

a/n: ahhh okay, i realllly hope you guys liked it, this idea came out of no where and I kinda made the plot up as I wrote, please show some support by reblogging, liking, commenting, and giving some feedback! I'd appreciate it so much

[southislandwren]

Bro today sucked so bad we all (minus the coach) sat in our hotel room and gossiped about how it sucked in every way possible. I’m so fucking sad I failed these kids and everything has gone wrong. Like I know it’s mostly not my fault but also it’s very much my fault. I’m literally an assistant coach I should have my shit together

[scribeforchrist-blog]

Firm In God Through My Suffering 

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK

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+ 1 Corinthians 13:3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

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VERSE OF THE DAY 

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+  1 Peter 5:9 But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world."

=========================

** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **

I AM NOT AFRAID

I AM LISTENING

I AM MIGHTY

I AM STRONG

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READ TIME: 9 Minutes & 18 Seconds

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THOUGHTS:

=======================

   When we are ill, it's hard to pray. I can remember I had got COVID, and I remember hearing from other people that it’s the worst feeling you ever want to feel and that you don’t want to do anything. I was like, no, that won’t happen to me. I will pray regardless of how I feel, and I remember waking up one morning. I went into my prayer closet, and all I could do was sit, and I said to the Holy Spirit I don’t know what's happening, but I feel so drained and tired, and he told me to go lay down, and I laid down got back up I felt even worst.

    I prayed in tongues, while laying down that’s all I could do was talk to God about my illness and how I was feeling slowly

started losing my ability to breathe, after a few days, I felt like I was dying, and I said to the Holy Spirit I don’t want to die; please help me, and I felt this warmth come over my body.

  I started feeling better immediately, which lasted about seven days. I felt terrible I was alone I couldn’t call my parents because they were  in the hospital, and my other siblings I didn't want them to come over because I didn’t want them to get this from me, so I stayed alone, but as I got through that, I realized I wasn't alone I had the Holy Spirit and that every moment I couldn’t breathe and every moment I felt alone I didn’t go through alone he went with me.

  The guy we will look at today his name is Hezekiah, and he was very ill 2 Kings 20:1 In those days, Hezekiah became ill. And Isaiah the prophet, the son of Amoz, came to him and said to him, “This is what the Lord says: ‘Set your house in order, for you are going to die and not live.’” 

   God wanted him to know to get his house in order, and sometimes God will tell us this to help us prepare; sometimes we need to get our house in order not because we are going to die but because our lives are out of order and God wants to place it in order and a lot of us don’t have it in order because we feel we have time or we are think I’m in perfect health , we don’t think what’s in our daily life that we could be doing that he’s asking us to get in order , but the bible tell us we aren’t promised tomorrow. Our life is a vape. Those of us who keep playing around with getting and building a relationship with God are losing light daily. Every day, we must build with him to grow with him.

  Verse 2-3 Then he turned his face to the wall and prayed to the Lord, saying, “Please, Lord, just remember how I have walked before You wholeheartedly and in truth, and have done what is good in Your sight!” And Hezekiah wept profusely.

    Hezekiah wasn’t taking no for an answer. He was going to battle for his life, almost like Jacob. Jacob didn’t let go of the angel of God because he wanted a blessing, and Hezekiah wasn’t letting his life go that quickly. He was honest with God. He asked if God could remembered how faithful he was. “Do you remember me walking with you and being wholehearted and living in the truth”, and he said, I did everything well in your sight”. He cried, and he let all of it out in front of God, and that’s what we must do during our prayer time : pray the sincerest prayers. We don’t have to be sick or hurt to do this. We could want to express our feelings, and he will hear and help us through our pain. 

  Verse 4-6 And even before Isaiah had left the middle courtyard, the word of the Lord came to him, saying,5 “Return and say to Hezekiah, the leader of My people, ‘This is what the Lord, the God of your father David says: “I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; behold, I am going to heal you. On the third day, you shall go up to the house of the Lord. And I will add fifteen years to your life, and I will save you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria, and I will protect this city for My own sake and My servant David’s sake.”’

   See, God heard him and fixed his problem. God wants to fix our problems. He wants to hear us, but we must go to him with a contrite heart and say, father

I know this is your plan, but please allow me this. When we do this, he will grant us so much time, grace, and mercy. Still, everything doesn’t always happen like this, but when it does, we must be so grateful for everything the Holy Spirit wants us to know. Even in our trials, even in our pain, he's there, but he wants to hear us speak the words.

  We must learn to allow ourselves to come to him; we talked about being raw with our feelings and thoughts yesterday, but we must do this. In a respectful way, God is who made us every mark, every flaw we have comes from God, and he can take our flaws and show us who is he, how many of us are ready to let go during our time of pain and sorrow God wants us to know he loves us and that he sees our pain, even during our pain God wants us to know we don’t stand alone , that he’s standing with us.

   1 Peter 5:9 But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world."

  Other people are going through, and we aren’t alone in our problems. I thought I was alone when I had Covid, but God had to show me you were not alone. I am with you; it’s others going through these very things like you; we must stand firm in our faith, knowing that we serve a God that sees us, we serve a God that’s all-knowing, we serve a God that is willing to show us the way if we are willing to go down the right path with him. 

  Jeremiah 6:16 This is what the Lord says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said, ‘We will not walk in it.’”

    Wherever we are in life, if it’s a crossroad or just a moment in our life happening God is there; sometimes he shows us the way, and we are too stubborn or stuck in our ways that we don’t want to walk in the way of the lord; we think our way is better but when we are scared, and we feel overwhelmed sometimes we allow fear to speak louder than God but we must silence fear with the word of God, don’t allow your fear to take you to a place that you don’t want to be , do exactly like Hezekiah and allow your fear to take the back seat and trust in God.

   ***Today, we learned that our fears and what we deal with can take us down the wrong road.  Fear is meant to do this; fear is of the devil, and a lot of times, we allow him to take the driver's seat because it’s easier this way, but God wants us to know that his way will always be easier when we don’t surrender to fear and to the enemy.

  Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

   He’s asking us in this to be strong and not be fearful because wherever we go, he’s there; we might not see him like we see family and friends, but if we sit still and focus on him, we will feel his presence, a lot of times we are so busy with day to day life that we don’t feel him because we are looking over him at all times, take the time today to focus on God. ©Seer~ Prophetess Lee

========================

PRAYER

========================

Heavenly Father, please help us not to fear; lord, help us to depend on you. Lord, we ask you to release us from the fear that has succumbed to our lives. Lord, we ask you to comfort us through everything; lord, help us also to have faith in you. Many of us are confused about what to do; please let us hear you and apply the word to our lives. Lord, let this word break yokes and chains in our lives today. In Jesus' Name Amen 

========================

REFERENCES 

========================

+ Proverbs 29:25 The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts the Lord is safe.

 

+ 2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

 

+ Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, who answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

========================

FURTHER READINGS 

=========================

Proverbs 2

Leviticus 2

Psalm 59

Isaiah 17

=========================

[sukunastoy]

What's your biggest regret? 😈

It’s probably depressingly sad, and maybe not want anyone wants to read. Trigger warning ahead. Talking about my dads recent death.

But, currently my biggest regret is not answering my dads phone call the day before he unexpectedly died. I was having a bad day, and was taking a nap. I remember the call waking me up, and I remember thinking “I’m just not in the mood to talk. He’ll understand. I’ll call him tomorrow when I’m not in such a bad mood.”

And it was Father’s Day weekend mind you.

The next day, I went to work at 6 am, and me and my bf had made movie reservations prior anyway right after my work so I thought, “well, by the time I actually get home, I’ll be tired from work and the movie and trying to eat dinner. So, I’ll call him the next day so it’s not so late.” We usually talked at least once a week. But the last time we did talk on the phone, he was asking if I could talk him through how to download Steam onto his laptop so he could play a couple war games that he enjoyed. I told him of course, and when he had some time we’ll get it figured it out and I’ll send him pics and videos if needed. (We live 14 hours away from each other, he lived with my sister. So..at least he wasn’t ever alone.) But…his final words to me were “hey, you should be calling me more often. I know you’re busy, but I hope you can make some time.” And I said “yeah..I know. I’m sorry, my days just blend together sometimes.” He said he understands, just misses me and wants us to talk more.

So…I get home at the end of the day, tired from work and the movie, and, just finishing eating dinner. My sister called me and I didn’t answer cause I was finishing up my food, but she called back again immediately which she never does so I figured was urgent and answered. And it was her letting me know my dad had a massive stroke, and he was found outside in their backyard, covered in ants, and he had wet himself…(imagining my strong father in such a way, being alone when it happened, and being found in such a way, fucking haunts me). He had been mowing the grass for her while she was at work, preparing for a little party they were about to have with my sister and brother (who was going to see them the next day). He had been out there for about 5 hours without breathing, and his dog -who normally ran away when not in a locked fence- was running around the front yard -not a fenced area- barking hysterically, and not even trying to leave the yard. I imagine the dog was trying to stay with my dads body while also not sure what the fuck was going on and also trying to get someone’s attention.

He wasn’t “physically” dead, but, his brain was. He had gone too long without oxygen.

My goddamn heart broke in that instant. Felt like some horrible movie plot meant to destroy the main character. I cried so hard I almost threw up, and i frantically scraped up money (thanks to a lot of kind souls here on tumblr donating to me in that instant) so I could take a flight the next morning to go down to him, BEGGING, whatever god or entity in existence that SOMEHOW, the doctors could bring some life back to him.

Obviously…they couldn’t. They did multiple tests and scans over the span of 3 days, keeping him on breathing tubes and other machines to keep his body alive. They have to have x amount of failed tests before legally declaring him “dead.” Though they did tell us from the beginning, they’re about 99.9% sure he’d never recover. And they said if he did by some miracle get a little brain activity back, he’d basically be a vegetable on a machine the rest of his life. And we all knew he would have NEVER wanted to live the rest of his life like that. So..we more or less just prayed for it to end already. To end his suffering. Let him move on. Cause he HATED being in the hospital and not being able to move or do something. (he had already gone through severe cancer surgery/treatments 10 years prior and he said he’d rather die than live in the hospital under such duress ever again.)

And so for 3 days, me and my brother and sister, sat in the hospital room with my dads body, waiting for the legality of it all to end. We watched his body twitch and move, though no control of his own. Just his brain completely shutting down. When they ran the last test, had the several different doctors sign off to keep it legal, they said it’s up to us when to pull the plug. Me, being the baby sibling, got to make the final decision. Cause they weren’t gonna do it til I said I was ready. Of course I wasn’t fucking ready. But…I had to be.

I knew he wasn’t there anymore. But, his heart was still beating. I remember once they pulled the breathing tubes out, and turned off the other life support machines, I held my dads hand, and laid my head on his chest to listen to his heartbeat as it faded and then finally stopped only a couple minutes later.

And it’s only been a little over 4 months since he died, but I hate myself and regret so much I wanna throw up every day for not answering his call. When it was going to be the last time we ever got to speak. And I ignored it cause I was in a bad mood. And we had been playing phone tag for the whole week before that. So, the last chance I had to talk to my dad, the only real parent I ever had that loved me, and the only person who was ever 100% there for me, I fucking blew it.

And…Ive been crying every singe day over this since.✌️

So…that’s my biggest regret. It sounds corny and cheesy af. But..if you love/care about someone, truly treat each moment as if it’s the last. Cause, it might be…and I promise, if you don’t, and regret it, the pain is so goddamn fucking unbearable you won’t want to live. Luckily I’ve been on 3 medications for a couple years now that have already helped me through my suicidal depression, cause I probably would have already offed myself trying to go through this if I didn’t have them.

And well…that’s why I’m so randomly active/inactive on here. Cause some days I’m just not “here.” I’m fucking struggling hard. But…being obsessed with JJK and that 2D monster that is Sukuna, has kept me going for whatever reason. I appreciate everyone that obsesses with me. Helps distract from the pain.

✌️✨ Sorry for this depressive shit. I’ll get back to drawing/writing naughty shit here soon. It’s a great pain reducer. No one is required to comment, or say anything in regards to this. Lmao, I won’t be sad if you don’t. I know this stuff is awkward and for some it’s weird to handle/respond to. If you don’t want to say anything, or scared/uncomfortable, I totally get that. Cause I’m weird about stuff like this too. I handle death in a weird way, and everyone has their own way to cope/comfort. Don’t feel pressured to say anything. Cause I understand.

I’m just blessed to have some amazing people here on Tumblr help me through the days without them even knowing it. ❤️‍🩹

Big fat smooches and hugs to you all.

[kookznoona]

Not A Barbie Doll| Jeon Jungkook FLUFF

Genre: Boyfriend!JK, Insecure!Y/N AU, MILD BIT ANGSTY But Mostly FLUFF

Word Count: 1.5 K

Description: Y/N having body dismorphia / Insecure about her body, slight use of alcohol, slightly triggering, if you're sensitive or not comfortable with themes involving body dismorphia/low confidence with body image, please don't read

Summary: You've been in a relationship with Jungkook for 2 years now. You've never had sex with him because of your own fears. Never has he made you feel less loved no matter what, some things may change but his love for you, never will.

******************************************************************

After a Heated Kiss, Jungkook lovingly carries you to the bedroom, planting kisses down your neck and collar bone

"I wanna make you feel so good Y/N, I wanna make love to you" he says smiling

Your eyes immediately go wide in alarm and you shake your head saying 'no', tears start escaping your eyes

"Oh no, Y/N, My Baby, I'm so sorry, I- thought- maybe- I mean I'm sorry, I mean- we kissed- it's been 2 years we've been dating and I thought- I'm sorry we don't need to rush into anything- I'm such an asshole"

"It's okay Kook, but no, ple-ase" you choke 

"Baby, I'm so sorry, don't be mad at me please"

"No it's alright"

"I just thought maybe we were on the same page, and that we could, y'know- I'm such an idiot, let's just forget about this and watch a movie and cuddle, okay?"

Time-skip

Jungkook orders pizza and makes sure you're comfy under the blankets and Excuses himself to get water for himself. You rush to my wine cabinet and quickly chug down 2 glasses of red wine to forget about the anxiety you went through earlier, alcohol spiking in your system. You try to walk as steady as possible back to the couch. Jungkook comes back and he doesn't realize your drunk state. 

You turn towards him and say, "Jungkook- you're so handsome"

"You're beautiful Y/N"

"You keep lying Jungkook" you say

"What?" He asks, surprised 

"It's okay, keep lying to me about how beautiful I am, but Just don't ever lie to me about your love, don't ever leave me, If you leave me, I'll become a car without wheels, a b-book without pages, A Christmas without Santa Claus, a night w-ithout the moon and a lake without water" you say

"Baby, what are you talking about? Are you drunk?" 

He chuckles finding you cute

"Y'know you're so fuckin cute and I'm just a stupid potato compared to you, I literally feel like dying sometimes, but then I think of the smile that is on your face and so I don't" I start to cry

"Baby, you're drunk and Pretty, you need to sleep, We'll talk tomorrow"

"Don't leave me and go"

"No baby, why would I? You're the star of my sky, I Love you so much baby, just get some sleep okay?" He says

Jungkook hears you whisper a soft 'okay' and watches you fall asleep. 

He goes to the kitchen and cries, worried about your state, anxiety filling his mind. He has seen you cry before but never seen you drunk and crying over something like this. Saying that you wished to die was painful to hear. He passes out on the kitchen chair, crying.

He wakes up at 6:30 and goes in for a quick shower, makes your favorite breakfast and plays your favorite playlist to wake you up on the Bluetooth speakers.

"Morning princess, breakfast in bed" he says

After a huge pause of silence, he says "I wanted to talk about yesterday, I'm sorry to see you like that, I thought you were okay to go for it, I mean it's been 2 years and all we do is cuddle and kiss, I mean, sometimes I really felt like we should explore more things, I'm sorry I'm being bold but I truly want to know why you feel now is not a good time, I mean, is it because of your morals, or-"

"Jeon Jungkook. I've stopped thinking of morals the moment I laid my eyes on you and only pray God will Forgive the sins of the things you do to me"

"What is it then baby?"

"I'm just not in the mood to talk about it, if you want a blowjob I'll give you that Jeon"

"Stop being an idiot and going in circles" he spits

"You're the one going in circles Jeon, you want a mouth to fuck, I'll give you that"

"You really think I just want to fuck you all the time? Is that what you think?" He says in an intimidating voice

Tears start escaping your eyes, "No, Just let it be" you really felt very vulnerable now. You've always wanted to have sex with him but you're scared he'll leave you.

"Baby, what makes you feel like we shouldn't do it? Give me one reason, you're scared because it's your first time with me, or is it because of something else?" Jungkook asks, gently grabbing your cheek 

Warm Tears started to trickle down your cheek

"I actually- haven't told this to anyone- promise you won't leave me" 

"I Won't ever Leave you Y/N, just tell me, I'm worried"

"The guy I previously had a crush on- he rej-ected me in front of my entire friend group- and said that I'm too fat for any guy to date me- I used to talk to him every day for like 3 years and I really Liked being around him- it just killed me from within- I just hated the fact that he would have dated me if I was Slim and that My body is ugly and horrible- then in like 2 years I found you and you helped me have a more positive outlook on things. You loved me the same as me and you would do anything to keep me happy and I am so grateful to God for that, I'm so scared Jungkook, I'm scared if you'll see me, I'm just scared that this is gonna happen again and that no guy would date me if they see how I look- I'm just so scared Jungkook" you say hugging him tight and crying 

"Y/N, Y/N listen to me, baby, do you trust me?"

"With all my heart"

"Hear me out, you don't have to have sex with me, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, I'm here for you always, I mean, we have an entire lifetime to decide when to have sex and you don't have to if you don't want to, I'm not gonna lie to you, or fake anything, you know I always tell you the truth don't you?" He asks and you nod

"First of all, that Man was a Complete ASSHOLE, Secondly I'm happy he rejected you because You're the best and he doesn't deserve you and that you deserve better than an ungrateful asshat, Thirdly, I've accepted you the way you are and I'm not gonna change anything about you sweetie, I'm just gonna show you how beautiful you are right now"

He pulls you in front of the mirror, "This is so embarrassing" you say. 

"Shut up, I love you so just stand here" he says

"Fine" you sob

"Look at this, this is my world" he kisses your forehead 

"I know you may not think you're perfect, but you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I didn't want to date a Barbie doll, I wanted to date You.

You're all I want, You're all I have, You're all I Need

You're my strength baby, Look at yourself,

You know the ugliest thing I see right now? Those tears, those are ugliest things at the moment" He kisses your cheek, making you smile

"You're the strongest woman on this planet, you've been through worse Y/N, we're gonna get through this together okay?" He says 

"But I feel so ugly next to you Kook, makes me feel as if I don't deserve you, there are so many pretty girls that can treat you better than me" I sob

"Baby, exactly, from all those women, I only want you, because, I Love You With All My Heart"

You continue to cry, feeling ever so vulnerable 

"Look at this beautiful tan, and your curvy hips

Believe me Y/N, You're being merciful by not becoming a model and giving every man a boner" he chuckles. You roll your eyes at him, he Yanks your hand and Makes you feel his raging boner

"See what you've done to me? Still think you're ugly?"

"I don't know, I just don't feel confident anymore, I'm no badass"

"Hell no, you're a total badass, you've got an above average IQ, amazing personality, beautiful eyes and a savage attitude to negative people. Baby, I love you and will continue to love you no matter what. Don't ever call yourself ugly, it breaks my heart into a million pieces when you tell me you can't see the beauty you hold." He says

You sniffle and smile through your tears

"Y/N please don't do this to me, please let me see your gorgeous body?"

"No- you can't see me"

"Why not?"

"If you do, you've got to touch me too. You think after you make me feel your raging hard on I'll let you suffer alone?"

Jungkook grins and screams

"OH MY GAWSH WE'RE ACTUALLY GONNA DO IT?"

"Yeah, coz you promised me you won't leave me"

"Yaaaahhhhh I LOVE YOU SO MUCH Y/N I'M GONNA GIVE YOU SO MANY KISSIES AND CUMMIES AND TREAT YOU THE BEST!!! I LOVE YOUUUU, Y/N WILL YOU MARRY MEEEE???"

"Bro You serious? Ofcourse I AM MARRYING YOU IDIOT"

"Yesss the same Sassy Annoying Bratty Y/N, You Need to Be Punished"

"Gladly Jungkook" you wink and he pulls your hair

"Who am I?" He asks in his deep voice and spanks you

"D-daddy"

"Good Girl"

******************************************************************

Hey guysssss!

Thanks For All The Love And Support!!! I've received 7 Requests and I'm currently working on them, I love to indulge in all that I write so I take time. I believe in Quality over Quantity.

∆ Don't Repost only Reblog

• Don't Forget to Like this Post for More

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https://www.instagram.com/kookznoona/

Take Care~

[slightlystupidhun]

If The Shoe Fits…Bear It!

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6,

Part 7

Summary: Prince Vincent Solaire, of Wonder Land, spends a wonderful night with a stranger, but what happens when the shoe left behind fits someone else.

The first whole day after Lovely first went into what seemed to be a coma, Vincent did not move from their side for more than five minutes. Even leaving their bedroom to use the bathroom felt like too long.

He felt like he was going to explode. He knew their body needed time to recover but damn it if he didn't wish he had magic. In fact, he took up praying to whatever force was in the sky that he could heal them and make them feel better. But he couldn't. Instead he could sit in this uncomfortable wooden chair, hold their hand, and try not to die of worry.

When the wooden chair began to creak or shake too much, its wooden legs threatened to give out everytime Vincent bounced his foot, he took to pacing and picking out the new designs they had instilled. Their room had changed quite a bit since they moved in. The previous walls had been altered to a soft lilac color adorned with white floral embellishments. The sunlight peeked through the white lace curtains, decorating the soft castlewood oak and livening up its pale colors. Their scent filled the room marking it in a way that made it undoubtedly theirs.

Vincent would love seeing all of these changes, only now the person who enacted them, was lying unconscious in front of him. The room that's so filled with reminders of their charming personality, was lacking the very person who gave it such a reputation.

By the time their second day of rest came, Vincent found himself not wanting them to miss out on anything so he would read to them, or talk about all the drama the maids would bring in every time they opened the large white double doors. Ollie came by to visit a few times. He would speak to them of stories they had gushed about previously. Other times he would encourage them to end their slumber.

On the third day Sam came by to check their vitals with Tank in tow. Tank read off numerous apologies to Lovely despite knowing they would refute them before they could even leave their mouth. After that, Sam finished his check in and confirmed that they were in fact okay and the last of the poison was making its way out of their system and they should wake tomorrow. This did very little to ease Vincents worry. He was overjoyed, of course, but the scary thought that lovely would never wake up still lingered in the back of his mind.

Vincent’s eyes began to feel heavy since he hadn’t slept the past two days. He had vowed to stay awake until his lovely would, however, as he sat beside their bed, his hand cradling theirs, he began to drift off.

The soft sheets caressed his face as he felt the morning light heat up his cheek. Something was missing in the space in front of him. His hand was empty and something was playing with his hair. He slowly opened his eyes and peered up through his dark lashes. Staring down at him was a pair of lovely eyes, they were lovely’s eyes. He jumped up so fast, tears threatening to shed and hugged them tightly.

“Hello my prince.” They smiled at him allowing the disheveled prince to bury himself in their neck as they continued to card their fingers through his hair. “I’m okay.”

He grasped both of their hands and kissed them, pulling himself mere inches from them. “I’m so glad you are okay, but you shouldn’t have been put in such a horrible position. Lovely I-“

Before the prince could finish they moved in close to kiss away a tear from his eye. “Sweet prince. Vincent. The sun is more likely to be separated from the sky than I am from you. I agree that had you not stolen me away, I would not be here right now, however, because you have stolen me away, you have taken my heart as well. You have granted me a lavish life, and a lifetimes worth of love. Prince Vincent Solaire, I love you. Truly, deeply. It’s maddening how much I love you.” They stopped to catch their breath and to pull him closer. “I wouldn’t trade my life right now for anything else.”

For the first time Vincent leaned forward and their mouths crashed together. He kissed them with no inhibition, fear, or worry. In this kiss was the fire, the passion, the longing that they both endured for so long. This kiss melted away the barrier that Quinn tried to put between them.

“I love you lovely,” Vincent said, finally separating from them, “more than words can express. I care not for extreme weddings and meticulous planning, if it were up to me, I’d marry you right here right now.”

“I would do the same my prince. However, let’s not rip the joy of wedding planning from his highness the king.” They giggled.

——————

Wedding bells sounded all across Solaria and cheers could be heard echoing throughout the kingdom.

Standing in the giant white cathedral, was lovely and prince Vincent. Their white outfits were decorated by the colors shinning through the stained glass window.

“And do you Prince Vincent take them to be your lawfully wedded partner?” Grand Duke Sam spoke out.

“I do,” Vincent said, wiping tears from his eyes.

“I now pronounce you royals and partners of the kingdom solaria!” Sam projected to the audience. “You may now seal your union with a kiss.”

Lovely and Vincent leaned forward and shared a sweet, heart warming kiss. It felt so magical. Lovely felt like they were living a fairy tale.

They exited the large cathedral and ran into the carriage as flower petals flew around them. Once in the carriage Vincent leaned forward and touched his forehead to theirs.

“I would move heaven and earth for you. Your highness, you are irreplaceable in my heart.”

“I love you my sweet Prince.”

“And I you, lovely.”

*AND WITH THAT THE FIC COMES TO AN END!! I am so sorry I have been so weird with my posting schedule but I am hoping to get back on track, and be more consistent*

[emeralddss]

Changing My Life

So I have decided that I am done with me constantly sabotaging my life and ruining my chance of being a better person. I'm putting an end to it all. InshaAllah.

One problem with me and something that usually stops me from actual change is that I wait for things to be perfect (right this second I'm waiting to write this post until I actually start *cries*) I'm always like, I'll wake up early and start tomorrow, a fresh start, yes but I need to get a coffee first, no but let me put on a cute outfit and do my makeup and it goes on and on and on...

Spoiler alert, I never actually manage to get anything done. This time I'm going to actually put an effort and try my best to leave my perfectionism behind, because quite frankly, it's ruining my life.

I can't really say I've been in a rot because a rot doesn't last for more than a year, right?? Right?? But for the past year and a half I've been someone I'm not proud of, someone I never thought I'd be. Before then, I had worked so hard on myself and I was slowly but surely becoming the best version of myself only to wash all the work I've done down the drain this past year and it really really hurts.

The reason I'm writing this here and not on my journal is because I really want someone to read this, even if it was just one person who doesn't even care about me, because I don't have anyone I can say this to. I desperately need help, but I can't ask anyone's help. So I'm putting this here for the whole world to see. I'm going to be updating this hopefully everyday to have some accountability in my life.

My General Goals :

Pray 5× times a day on time

Pray missed prayers + tahajjud

Ace my exams in Dec (this entails studying for 6+ hours every single day)

Use my benzoyl paroxide wash every morning and night

Write my daily affirmations in my journal.

*this wasn't as coherent as I would like it to be but as I've said, I'm leaving perfectionism behind me so here goes nothing....

[growingfeedeeinfrance]

Part 6

On the last day of the deadline, you can’t button your pants any more. You have to take a loose elastic and tie it across and pray it holds for the day. You tell yourself that this is the last day, that you’ll cut back and work twice as hard as before at the gym.

As you click send for your last report and feel a wave of relief, everyone in the office gleefully applaud for all the hard work that has been done in order to meet this deadline. You all laugh together and high five. You and Leo hug before going home. A party is announced the next day to celebrate.

As you go into the bathroom to undress at home, you see your reflection in the mirror. Your pants are wide open, the elastic broken and hanging on one side. Your small, but noticeable belly is bulging out through the gap. You trace a finger down the middle, then start pushing on the plush flesh. You’re amazed at how soft it feels. You take off your pants and see how much you can grab: one or two handfuls. 

You feel conflicted. This softness feels cute and comfortable but you’re scared to get fat again. Like before. And being hated by everyone. You shudder and decide that this has to stop. It’s not too late and you can start to go hard on diet and fitness again. After the party. 

As usual when you wake up the next day, your boo is already gone. So you text him, saying that you’ll be home early to get ready for the office party and that he’s invited if he wants to be your plus one.

The day goes on as usual and you decide to wear your sexy red dress for the party. The problem is that you body is not quite the same. Your boobs threaten to escape your cleavage at any moment and you feel like you can barely breath. The dress is skin tight, making your soft tummy quite apparent. You pray that your large clivage will be enough to distract from the rest of your soft jiggly figure. 

As you’re putting your shoes on, you hear the front door open.

« -I’m home! »Your boyfriend loudly states before coming toward you. You turn around to face him and his eyes become as wide as saucers.

« -damn I didn’t know you had your boobs redone! »He states surprised, before taking a step back. His brows furrowed.

« -wait.. how much weight have you put on? I know you said you were going to get back on track after this deadline, but you look really big… like pregnant big honey »

« -I’m sure the dress makes me look fatter than I really am, I haven’t gained that much I promise you! » you reply kissing him on the cheek, « and besides trust me, I’ll be back in shape in no time! » you wink « now come, we’re going to be late to the party! ».

When you arrive at the party, the first thing you notice is the buffet, where there were what looked like a few dozens of different kinds of foods, all looking and smelling completely irresistible. As soon as your boyfriend starts talking to your boss, you go grab some of this delicious looking food. You pick up some finger food and sample it, finding that it is just as unbelievable to taste as it looks. You grab a few more, and a few more. It is a party, you figure, so you might as well let loose a bit. It’s basically your last real meal before going back to this awful diet after all. 

You’re so focused on the food that you don’t notice your boyfriend coming up behind you.

« -hey, what are you doing? » he asks, his eyebrows lowered and his lips tight

« -no no nothing! Just tasting the food! I haven’t had anything to eat since lunch » you reply, red in the cheeks and looking downward.

« -you know this is all junk food, right? I thought you said you were getting back on your diet after the deadline!! », his tone is biting.

« -but this is a party! I swear I’ll cut down tomorrow. » you plead

« - don’t you have any self-control anymore? Why can’t you start now? 

I just want to enjoy myself a bit before… »

He cuts you off:

« - how can you enjoy yourself looking like THAT?!? », gesturing toward your body.

You feel mortified. You don’t say anything, hands shaking still holding some finger foods, not daring to look up at his face. Is it that bad?

He sighs.

« -anyway. I’m going home. I don’t think I want to be seen with a fat cow stuffing herself. »

You stay silent on the spot as he walks away. A single tear rolls down your plump cheek and you walk as fast as you can to hide your embarrassment in the restroom. 

You take a long hard look in the mirror. Something you hadn’t done in a while. 

You see you rounding out face and the still small but clearly visible double chin. You see your boobs covered un crumbs and the dress struggling to keep them from spilling out. You see the sleeves digging into the new softness of your arms. But what catches your breath is your belly. You dress is now spread so tight that you can see you navel through the fabric. You look absolutely ridiculous in this dress, it must now be at least 2 or 3 sizes too small for you. You turn to the side: your boyfriend is right, you do look pregnant by at least a few months.

You can’t take your eyes away from your reflection. But you no longer feel sad, you’re fascinated by what you see.

You slowly raise a hand and start stroking your rounded out gut. A strange thought starts forming in your head: how would it feel if it was bigger? Did it feel so good when you were fat?

Feel free to tip, buy one of video here or buy me a gift or something you want to see me in on my amazon wish list!

[unrequited-words]

03/08/23 Wednesday 9:49 p.m.

Two beers in. I made this simple pasta mini shells, premade taco meat I made yesterday, a jar of pasta sauce, Parm cheese in the shaker plastic can (romano, maybe), and mozzarella cheese. It's nice.

the beer is helping me forget. Baby is still up. An hour of OT tomorrow. I'd love to do more but I'm not wanting to wake up from 7-9 a.m. from extra hours and five bonus points per hour. If I am awake ... maybe?

Yeah, fuck that.

This last week was so hard. I took Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday off from being sick.

Of fucking course zod gave me shit. All I do is work. Haven't had a real vacation since I gave birth.,.. if you call that abfucking vacation? I had 713 points paid and now I am around 113 give or take. It's all paid. Damn,this pasta is good. I took a bite, lol

On Microsoft teams, my boss messaged me and he said I bonused for February fiscal month. 506.93 I think? I didn't I'd bonus at all due to quality.

Idk, guys... I still believe in God, I'm just scared for the future. Maybe it's supposed to be this way. I support a family of five between 38-39 a year. Inflation fucking sucks. Politics suck.

Rent went up so starting April it's 1300 plus the rest of our expenses, if I keep doing what I do for work we can make it on one salary for now.

I was nominated for an acclaim award for being big hearted at work, and if I win (doubt it) I will get a gift card (50/100.00) and either crumbl cookies. I've never had them.

I've been wanting to make chocolate chip cookies from scratch. We get the kids Saturday. If I pack everything Friday night and on Saturday work from 7:00-9:00 am, and we leave around 10:00-10:30 it isn't so bad. Round trip is 6 hours, but with the baby it feels longer.

We get the kids for a week and I know my son will fucking test me. He always foes. He doesn't fucking listen at FUCKING ALL! He is on his fucking tablet and on the spectrum. It's manageable but Jesus fuck yes this is me venting. It's difficult. Their mom is dofficult. Doesn't allow them to go and play or have sleepovers. She's a fucking trainwreck. she's rather chase dick than be a mom, honestly

If me and Zod ever split up I wouldn't chase dick I'm too old, and with a kid dating is exhausting. No thanks. I'm good.

It was a slow work day. I didn't do too bad. I'm tired. 10:06 pm and maybe in the next hour I can pass out. I hope Astrid goes to bed before modnight. Last night I fell asleep between midnight and 1:00. Slept through my alarm, oh well.

Maybe I'm buzzed but damn this pasta I made sure is yummy, lol. 🍝

I may have another beer but that's pushing it. Tomorrow sometime I need to wash the sheets for the other bed, and make a list before we leave Saturday. Maybe another trip to the grocery store?

My ex sent my birth certificate through the mail and I pray to fucking god it isn't lost. It has thos weird tracking number starting with 70, when normally USPS tracking starts with 98 ... The reason I know is I work with ups, USPS, FedEx, and DHL when customers order.

I'm very oaranoid. I need it to go to the DMV, otherwise if it's lost I get to spend a cool 54.00 fucking dollars requesting a new one.

The other bedroom is closed with all her toys. If she gets out of bed she has nothing to play with. She's watching Peppa Pig. It's cute. It isn't as annoying as that fuck Calliou. God, I need adult froends. I'm drowning in toddler bullshit, 😂

Welcome to my Ted Talk

[piquedpequod]

"Concentric" – a soundtrack for the Patroclus-Achilles portion of the Iliad. In three suites.

Listen (YT): Suite I | Suite II | Suite III

Lyrics and excerpts below:

SUITE I

“I swear the day will come when every Achaean soldier will groan to have Achilles back. That day you shall no more prevail on me than this dry wood shall flourish. In the day of your distress, when your men fall dying by the murderous hand of Hector, you shall not know how to help them, and will eat your heart out, cursing the hour when you offered insult to the bravest of the Achaeans.”

1. Build Me Up, Break Me Down – Dream Theater Today I will be your savior, tomorrow a demon You crave my erratic behavior And watch my every move

Tonight I am the new messiah you deify When I’m no longer desired I’ll be crucified The one who’s free from sin The first the cast the stone

“God forbid the rage you nurse should master me. You and your fearsome pride! What good will come of it to anyone, later, unless you keep disaster from the Argives? Have you no pity? Peleus, master of horse, was not your father, Thetis was not your mother! Cold grey sea and sea-cliffs bore you, making your mind so harsh. If in your heart you fear some oracle... then send me out at least, and send me quickly...!”

2. Love Like Blood – Killing Joke We must play our lives like soldiers in the field But life is short, I’m running faster all the time Strength and beauty destined to decay So cut the rose in full bloom

Till the fearless come and the act is done A love like blood, a love like blood

Every day through all the frustration and despair Love and hate, fight with burning hearts Till legends live and man is god again And self-preservation rules the day no more

Patroclus now put on the flashing bronze. Greaves were the first thing, beautifully fitted to calf and shin with silver ankle chains; and next he buckled round his ribs the cuirass, blazoned with stars, of Achilles; then slung the silver-studded blade of bronze about his shoulders.

3. Judas (Outro) – Depeche Mode

“My lord, you heard me praying before this, and honored me... Let your glory, Zeus who views the wide world, go beside him. When he has thrown back their shouting onslaught from the ships, then let him return unhurt to the shipways and to me.”

4. Atlantic – Keane I hope all my days will be lit by your face I hope all the years will hold tight our promises I don't want to be old and sleep alone

Before them all two captains stood in gear of war: Patroclus and Automedon, of one mind, resolved to open combat in the lead.

5. Empty Spaces – Linkin Park

Whom first, whom later did you kill in battle, Patroclus, when the gods were calling deathward? First it was Adrestos, Autonoos, and Ekhelos; then Perimos Megades, Eristor, Melanippos; afterward Elasos, Moulios, Pylartes. These he cut down while the rest looked to their flight. Troy of the towering gates was on the verge of being taken by the Achaeans, under Patroclus’ drive.

6. Durga – E.S. Posthumus

Then Patroclus, disabled by the god’s blow and the spear wound, moved back to save himself amid his men. But Hector, seeing that his brave adversary tried to retire, hurt by the spear wound, charged straight at him through the ranks and lunged for him low in the flank, driving the spearhead through. He crashed, and all the Achaean troops turned pale.

7. Dead End – Echoes and Signals

In the shelter of the curled, high prows, Antilochus found Achilles, envisioning what had come to pass, in gloom and anger saying to himself: “Ai! why are they turning tail once more, unmanned, outfought, and driven from the field back on the beach and ships? I pray the gods this may not be the last twist of the knife!"

8. Black Mirror – Arcade Fire I will walk down to the ocean After waking from a nightmare No moon, no pale reflection: Black mirror, black mirror

Black mirror knows no reflection Knows not pride or vanity It cares not about your dreams It cares not for your pyramid schemes

SUITE II

A black stormcloud of pain shrouded Achilles, on his head he scattered dust and ash in handfuls and befouled his beautiful face.

9. #1 Crush – Garbage I will burn for you, feel pain for you I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart And tear it apart

I would die for you, I would kill for you

“Ah, child, let him lie dead, for all our grief and pain, we must allow it; he fell by the gods’ will. But you, now – take the war-gear from Hephaestus. No man ever bore upon his shoulders gear so magnificent.” And she laid the armor down before Achilles, clanging loud in all its various glory.

10. The Tide – Hans Zimmer

Great Achilles who held back from the brutal fighting so long had come blazing forth. Every Trojan felt his knees atremble, terrified at the sight: the headlong runner coming, gleaming in all his gear, afire like man-destroying Ares.

11. Sun. Tears. Red. – Jambinai In a silence heavy with darkness and sorrow When the sun sheds dark red tears Through the black shroud Black turns gray and gray turns red When the burning lights Turns the earth to red

The moment I breathe the air of the hollow dawn The moment I end up all deep darkness The moment of my end has arrived here

As Achilles rampaged on, his sharp-hoofed stallions trampled shields and corpses, axle under his chariot splashed with blood, blood on the handrails sweeping round the car, sprays of blood shooting from the stallions’ hoofs and churning, whirling rims. And Peleus’s son kept riding for his glory, staining his powerful arms with mire and blood.

12. Depthcharge – Killing Joke I don't see the stars Can't touch the grass I don't feel the tides Tight as Kali's smile

No more beautiful, no more terrible No more beautiful, no more terrible

“Idiot, don't talk to me of what you'll barter. In days past, before Patroclus died, I had a mind to spare the Trojans... But now there's not a chance - no man that heaven puts in my hands will get away from death here before Ilion - least of all a son of Priam. Come, friend, you too shall die. Why should you whine this way? Patroclus fell, and he was a better man by far than you are. You see, don't you, how large I am, how well-made? My father is noble, a goddess bore me. Yet death waits for me as well.”

13. Voodoo In My Blood – Massive Attack It's not quite right, you must be a cynic Sign of the wars is my grinning Come in to my time and see me

I'm yours, I'm yours Why does the blood always stick to your teeth? Momma, stop giving me grief!

Barely, barely grieving Keep the front door open Wipe that cheeky grin and come on, now

Now close at hand, Achilles like the implacable god of war came on with blowing crest, hefting the dreaded beam of Pelian ash on his right shoulder. Bronze light played around him, like the glare of a great fire of the great sun rising, and Hector, as he watched, began to tremble. * They ran full speed, not for bull’s hide or a ritual beast or any prize that men compete for: no, but for the life of Hector, tamer of horses.

14. No Horses – Garbage They'll love you, too, they'll love you, too They'll come to you, they'll come to you, too They'll worship you, they'll worship you, too They'll use you, too (they'll use you, too) They'll lie to you (they'll lie to you) They'll steal from you (they'll steal from you)

There's nothing to grieve There's nothing to lose

He had in mind for Hector’s body outrage and shame. Behind both feet he pierced the tendons, heel to ankle. Rawhide cords he drew through both and lashed them to his chariot, letting the man's head trail. Stepping aboard, bearing the great trophy of the arms, he shook the reins, and whipped the team ahead into a willing run. A dustcloud rose above the furrowing body; the dark tresses flowed behind, and the head so princely once lay back in dust.

15. Catharsis - Hante. Release of your emotional tension Elimination completed

SUITE III

Achaean peers induced Achilles now – barely prevailing on his grief and rage – to visit the Lord Agememnon; and when they came up to the Marshal’s hut they bade the clear-voiced criers there set out a tripod cauldron on the fire, thinking Achilles might wash off the blood that stained his body. He would not hear of it, but swore: “By Zeus, I will not! By that god best and all-highest, it is not in order to bring hot water to me, till I lay Patroclus on his pyre, and heap his barrow, and shear my hair. No burden like this grief will come a second time upon my heart while I live.”

16. I Am Stretched On Your Grave – Sinead O’Connor I am stretched on your grave And will lie there forever If your hands were in mine I'd be sure we'd not sever

The priests and the friars approach me in dread Because I still love you, my love, and you’re dead

“Let me pass the gates of Death. Shades that are images of used-up men motion me away, will not receive me among their hosts beyond the river. I wander about the wide gates and the hall of Death. Give me your hand... The day of wrath appointed me at my birth engulfed and took me down. You too, Achilles, face iron destiny, godlike as you are...”

17. Home – Depeche Mode Here is a song from the wrong side of town Where I'm bound to the ground by the loneliest sound

And I thank you for bringing me here For showing me home, for singing these tears Finally I've found that I belong Feels like home

God, send the only true friend I call mine Pretend that I'll make amends the next time And befriend the glorious end of the line

But Achilles thought of his friend, and sleep that quiets all things would not take hold of him... He lay on his right side, then on his back, then face downward – but at last he rose, to wander distractedly along the line of surf. This for eleven nights.

18. Atlantic (demo) – Keane I need a place that's hidden in the deep Where lonely angels sing you to your sleep Though all the world is broken

The first dawn, brightening sea and shore, became familiar to him as at that hour he yoked his horses to his chariot, with Hector tied behind, that he might drag him about, three times around Patroclus’s tomb.

19. IV - Echoes and Signals

Phoebus Apollo spoke among the gods: “How heartless and how malevolent you are! Did Hector never make burnt offering of bulls’ thighbones to you, and unflawed goats? Even in death you would not stir to save him for his dear wife to see, and for his mother, his child, his father, Priam, and his men: they'd burn the corpse at once and give him burial. Murderous Achilles has your willing help – a man who shows no decency, implacable... The man has lost all mercy; he has no shame...”

20. Hour of the Furnaces – Algiers Sometimes I drift away And I wish I could say that one day It'll all be OK, we'll be OK Lighthearted violence (no standing around) Sacred offense (no standing around) Outright denial (no standing around) And unearned irreverence (no standing around) They re-arranged their faces (no standing around) But you know all their names (no standing around) And I'll be damned (no standing around) If I jump into the flames But they got you singing

Priam, the great king of Troy, passed by the others, knelt down, took in his arms Achilles’s knees, and kissed the hands of wrath that killed his sons. * Now in Achilles the evocation of his father stirred new longing, and an ache of grief. He lifted the old man’s hand and gently put him by. Then both were overborne as they remembered: the old king huddled at Achilles’ feet wept, and wept for Hector, killer of men, while great Achilles wept for his own father as for Patroclus once again; and sobbing filled the room. But when Achilles was now sated with grief and had unburdened the bitterness of his sorrow, he left his seat and raised the old man by the hand.

21. For Everything You Lost - Jambinai

“Patroclus, do not be angry with me, if somehow even in the world of Death you learn of this – that I released Prince Hector to his father. The gifts he gave were not unworthy. Aye, and you shall have your share, this time as well.”

22. ...Like Clockwork – Queens of the Stone Age And I’m swimming in the night, chasing down the moon The deeper in the water, the more I long for you

Holding on too long is just a fear of letting go Because not everything that goes around, comes back around you know One thing that is clear, it’s all downhill from here

Cover: Bob Paris and Rod Jackson photographed by Herb Ritts (from Duo). started 2011, revamped 2021, fin. 2022.

[thriftyraveler]

A MORNING THAT DISCOVERS MY TALENT

I woke up with the beautiful morning and the sunrise with the beautiful lights, and birds flying in the air. I started my day with waking up in the morning, eating my delicious breakfast and when I finish eating I go to the bathroom and taking some cold and fresh water. And I have one classmate named Jherico, Jherico is one of my closest friend in Elementary Days and then one time he ask me that what is my dream, what I want to become when I glow up, Jherico is a kind person that you can't find to another one. Then I ask him if its okay that we go together in the school and he agreed. Then suddenly the bell ringing and we go outside then the principal announced that tomorrow is nutrition month. So the teacher group us into like 6-7 groups and each groups must bring any vegetables are available in your house and the morning comes we all ready for the event and I didn't think that there's have a like cooking show so we picked one of my classmates and she agree that she is the one who present for our section. And the minute passed, the principal announced that be ready for the cooking show.

My classmate picked up all the ingredients that she needed for her recipe. And later that moment the show is begin and they have 1hour to finish they're dish and the timer starts now so my classmate prepared all she needed like vegetables and everything. She wash it clearly and smoothly and she begin to starts cooking, so i cheer for her and i looked her and i saw that she is shaking and idont know why but she already finish cooking and that moment so i decided to go to her and I ask that what happened? Why are you shaking? Are you nervous? She answered me I am okay but I don’t know what to do I don’t know how to put this in unique way of plating so I decided to help her in my own creativity and we running out of time but I didn’t mind that then I finish with my work and my classmate present it to the judges and we all wait for the announce for the winners.

And later that moment all the participants is standing in front of the judges and one of the judges is talking and congratulating for all the participants that showing their talents in cooking. And since the judges is talking in front so I ask my friend, Jherico if I can go with him and he answered me ‘yes u can go with me’ and we got home. So I knocked the door and no one answering me. Since I have the spare key I open the door and my mother leave some notes and she put it in my bed and when I read it, it says they all go to the supermarket and buy some groceries because we running out of stocks. And I sat in my bed for a while and when I open my closet drawer ‘goshh its empty’ what I supposed to wear? So I decided to bring all my dirty clothes to washing area and I wash it and I leave it just for a while because I felt hungry. When I go back there’s no foods and I don’t know what to cooked. So I pray god what ever happened at this moment I beg you that there’s no hazardous happened to me. I saw some eggs and I picked the 2 of them and I started scrambling it put some seasoning so that my eggs it will taste better so I grabbed the frying pan and cooked it. But I prayed god that moment that I hope it will cooked right and that’s if you can’t cooked by your own. You keep called god even though god can’t help you with that. But let’s go back, I cooked it normally and it taste a little bit salty but I don’t mind it because I'm hungry so I ate it together with bread and when I finish eating I go back to the washing area but this is the first time that I do washing clothes and cooking.

[whentherewerebicycles]

OKAY I am dead tired but I can power through the last of these pre-travel day tasks!!!! here’s what’s left!!!!

I will FOLD THE LAUNDRY!!

I will PRINT THE AIRPORT PARKING RESERVATION!!!

I will PUT RUTHIE’S FOOD, COAT, and WIRE CRATE in the car!!!

I will PACK THE REST OF MY CLOTHES once they’re out of the laundry!!!!

I will pack my MEDS and TOILETRIES!!!

I will find and pack Pip’s vaccination records!!! or I will call the vet in the morning!

I will TAKE MY SLEEPING PILL at 8:15 with the goal of being zzzzz by 9:30!!!!

then here is the plan for tomorrow 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

I will wake up at 5:45 and hit snooze only once and then shower very fast!!

I will take the dogs out! and the trash! I will make a breakfast bagel to power me through the day!! this will probably take 6:15-7ish!!

I will leave for my brother’s around 7 with my suitcase, carry-on bag, dogs, Ruthie’s stuff for the sitter, & Pip’s crate for the plane! I will arrive by 7:15ish and drop off my sweet girl!!

I will spend an hour in traffic!! pray to god it’s not longer!! I will arrive at airport parking by 8-8:30 god fucking willing!!

I will take the airport shuttle!! to the airport!! I will allow 30 min for that although hopefully it’s faster!! we will arrive around 8:30-9ish!!

I will check Pip in!! I will get through security! god willing this will all happen by 9:30ish!! if all goes well we will have just enough time to buy a SNACK and board the plane around 10!!

we will take off!! poor Pip lol he is not going to enjoy this experience one bit

[thought-id-something-more-to-say]

Journal--6 August 2024

Why are there tears in my eyes? What am I supposed to be doing? I clench and unclench my hands into fists into hands and all it seems to prove is that the returns are diminishing. Why am I deleting so much? Why do I hate the things I thought I would love? What would I rather be doing? I can't quit my job to do nothing. I can't be a musician. Why did I feel so good not even that long ago. I only want to die. I only feel there is nothing left for me. I know that isn't true, but I feel I've been backed into a corner.

Let's run through the options. That may help.

My first option is to continue to do what I have been doing. I can go to work tomorrow. I can further my education and my future prospects at getting into a PhD program at a school I want to go to. I can do the hard work and commit to what could be another eight years of schooling. This option is appealing to me for a couple reasons. Firstly, there is glory. There is status. I want the PhD so I can be free of pressure from my family or from the institution. Without the PhD I think there will always be a little part of me that wishes I got it. I, at least at the current moment, think that having this degree will release me in a way. There isn't anything anyone can say about my life choices after I get a PhD. My parents wouldn't be able to look down on me for choosing music. My extended family would still have reason to respect me. I would have proved myself, and in the grand scheme of things, I would have proved myself so young. 28 years old--30 at the oldest.

But another option is to ditch grad school. I am miserable right now. I hate it here. I am struggling to go to work. I am struggling to wake up. There are days where all I can see are the possibilities that music has to offer. I want to be a great musician. I don't know if I have what it takes, but I sure as hell would dig trying to find out. The only problem is that a part of me would have to accept some shame. I would feel some every time someone in my family asked me what I was doing for a living. I will certainly get my undergraduate degree, but ditching school after that would feel so good. To go into music after that. To get a job that pays the bills and doesn't do much else. To play music as often as I'd like. I want that.

I want to be free of school. I want to be free of shame. Someone once told me that freedom is freedom under every circumstance. I don't know.

I want to ask god to give me strength. I have been struggling to pray recently. I'm not sure who to pray to. I believe in god, but not not in the Christian sense. I don't know how to find who is protecting me.

Who are you? Why have you kept me here?

Reveal yourself so I may beg.

Let me beg.