#i just don't know what to do. i have a tiny human relying on me and i'm not even producing enough breastmilk to feed him

[eternallyanxiousandstressed]

another vent, don't mind me. just need to get things out

[chaethewriter]

You're dead to me [4]

dad!Jake Sully x human!daughter!reader

In which Jake Sully leaves his life on earth to settle down with the Omatikaya people as Toruk Makto. Having a family that consists of four kids with Neytiri, everything seems to work out just fine, but what if the past comes back for him? And his babygirl is right there in front of him?

warning: english isn't my first language, angsty, vulnerable Jake, PTSD, night terrors

Word count: 3k

previous chapter

next chapter

Jake Sully felt like gripping his dreadlocks out of his head. He barely showed it when he felt conflicted and unfocused, usually able to hide it well. But right now he couldn't keep the facade up the entire time, acting like everything was fine and it seemed like Neytiri caught on to his behavior as well. He was pacing around the pod as he thought of you, the young warrior that was giving him the silent treatment and he wanted to know why. "Ma Jake," a hand is placed on his shoulder and he stopped his frantic pacing, turning his head to the side to come face to face with his mate, "what is up with you lately? You have been so tense these days." Ever since he met you a few days ago, you didn't leave his mind, wondering what it was with you that made him want to treat you as his own. Was it your name? The fact you were so young? Could it be possible that you really were his daughter? Then why didn't you say anything? Is he officially turning delusional right now? Neytiri wrapped her arm around him as she helped him sit on the woven carpets, her cheek leaning against his shoulder, "talk to me, speak to me." It felt nice to know he could rely on someone, but this wasn't an ordinary problem he could talk about. He never really spoke about his life back on planet earth to anyone, because it was his past life. His present self is on Pandora, so he focused on learning the Omatikaya ways and his focus was on his future. But he always wondered how you were and what you were up to. If you were well and living your life to the fullest. He wished he could have been there to watch you grow up. But now that this warrior was here, he had to know. Was it you? His sweet babygirl? The one who would ask for cuddles everytime you saw him? The one that sat on his lap on his wheelchair as they went outside? His sweet child? Answers is what he needed, but he didn't want to be a bother or seem delusional. What if he made all of this up, because he missed you? "I don't know how to say this, yawne, I'm so conflicted. So guilty." He expected her to reply, but she stayed quiet. She wanted him to explain at his own pace without interfering. His hand dug down to take his hunter's knife in his grip, as he hold it upside down. Neytiri watched his grip on the knife as she squints her eyes. She noticed how something is dangling from the end. She saw it a few times around the pod, knowing it was Jake's. Yet she didn't want to pry him into telling her what it was. He would tell her himself eventually and the time to tell was now. A bond is formed around trust and she trusts him. The locket tiny is in comparison to their size. She watched how he untied the small chain from the thumb hole at the end of the handle. He struggled a bit, because of how tiny the knot was. Pulling at the chain with his fingernails, once he pulled the chain away from the hunter's knife he sheathed the sharp object back to his hip. He pulled Neytiri closer to him as he sucked a ton of air into his lungs, preparing himself for the one big thing he hid from his family this entire time. He had a lot of explaining to do.

Neytiri awaited what he was about to show and tell her. He clicked the photo locket open with his fingernail, revealing a picture of an adorable little girl that are you. Your head was tilted to the side as you flashed a bright cute smile, your chubby cheeks making you ten times more adorable. "This is my daughter, from back on earth." His index finger traced your face as he started feeling even more guilty for never telling his mate. What would she feel at the moment? Betrayal? He watched as Neytiri's expression retorted into an upset one. His hand grabbed a hold of hers, shaking his head as if he could know what she was thinking, "there was no one special back on earth. Only you, ma yawne. I adopted her after her parents passed. I raised her since she was a baby like she was biologically mine." The way Jake spoke about his daughter with pride made a smile creep onto her face, "she's adorable for a human." Jake rolled his eyes in response, of course, she would say something like that. "But why did you stay?" The question came out of nowhere, one he definitely wasn't expecting and one he definitely couldn't answer clearly, "what?" Jake didn't really ask her that question to his mate, he was surprised. "Why did you stay here on Pandora, instead of returning to earth?" The question was overwhelming him, as his lips were pursed and his hand went to his face, burying his nose into his palms. He thought back to his life as a human: he felt miserable, lost, and an alcoholic as he mourned. He was paralyzed, full of PTSD and night terrors as an ex-military. Yet he had one thing that made his life a good one: you.

His head was pounding as his vision was blurred, his ears ringing in pain. When he opened his eyes to look around, all he saw was blood. His dead comrades are covered in blood, bombs, and explosions going off around him. His head feels fuzzy as he turns to his right, coming face to face with your biological father, lying dead on the ground. Even though his eyes were wide open, they were dull and lifeless. Jake lets out a scream, but he couldn't look away. Then your biological dad's body opened his mouth, "you should have jumped in front of the bullet for me. You don't deserve to live, you had nothing. I had everything, a family, a daughter yet to be born. You stole her for me, you don't deserve this life! You don't deserve her!" The words felt like a knife stabbed him in the heart, someone holding onto the handle to twist it around some more to intensify the pain.

Daddy..

The words were faint.

Daddy..!

Who was that?

Why did it feel so familiar?

"Daddy!!" He was shaken to the core as your hands frantically shook his shoulders. He opened his eyes as he was met with your teary eyes. You were seated on his chest in your cute Disney pajamas, the ones he bought you, as you shook his body, "daddy was crying, me woke up and scared." You babbled as you leaned in to wrap your arms around Jake. "Daddy hurt?" Jake immediately wrapped his arms around you as tight as he could, squeezing you in his arms as he shook his head, "I'm not baby," he reassured you, but those words kept ringing in his head. He didn't deserve you.

The next night he drank, drank all he could to distract himself from the pain. He doesn't deserve you. It's his fault. He doesn't deserve to be your dad. He was drunk when he wheeled himself home in his wheelchair, feeling all dizzy as he unlocked the front door. He put you to sleep before he left, so surely you would still be sleeping right? Wrong. When he opened the door, he was met with your teary eyes yet again. He felt a pang in his chest. He kept hurting you, yesterday and now today as well. "Daddy is back? Couldn't sleep without daddy." You babbled as you walked towards him with a plushie in your arms. It was old and about to fall apart. He always told you how you should throw it away since you were gifted a lot of other plushies that you got from people you knew. You always told him no, because it's the plushie you got from him. He drank a lot yes, but seeing you it felt like he already sobered up. He picked you up from under your armpits and put you on his lap, "Yes babygirl I'm back, worry no more." You smiled at him as you pressed your lips against his, "I love you daddy!!" He was scared to say it back, he didn't deserve you to love him. Instead he just held you close, one arm on your head as the other was wrapped around your back.

I love you too my baby, I really do. I'm sorry I can't do better.

Jake finally opened up to Neytiri. About his night terrors, the guilt that ate him up from the inside how he watched you grew up and not your biological parents. How your biological dad, his comrade, died during the war they fought in. How he should have taken the bullet and died to give you your real dad. How your mom died during your birth and that's how you got into his arms. Then he talked about you. That he fell in love with you the moment you were in his arms. He told her what you were like and how you were the light of his life during his dark human times. How you always wanted to bake with him, but it ended up in a flour fight because none of you could cook. So in the end he would order pizza and sit on the couch with you on his lap, eating as you watched a Disney movie with him. She didn't know what flour was, or pizza and Disney, but eagerly listened to his words with a smile. Her mate was smiling as he was talking about you and it made her love you. "And she never wanted me to go shopping without her, to protect me from bad people. She would climb to stand on my lap to get something from the top shelf as I held her short legs." You truly were his angel and Neytiri could see how much you meant to him, but one thing was bugging her.

"But why is your sky daughter distracting you now out of all days, after so long of not seeing her? what is the entire story, ma Jake?" Neytiri really did know him the best, better than he knew himself. He couldn't lie to her, so he told her the truth, the thoughts that have been eating him alive from the inside. What the Tsahik, her mother, told him. The conflicts he had the day he met you, how you gave him the cold shoulder. The dots connected in his head, this wasn't coincidental, Eywa doesn't do coincidences like these. And Neytiri seemed to agree with the look she gave him, "why don't you talk to that demon child?" She hissed as she spoke, the girl she called cute moments ago not looking so cute anymore once she connected that little face to the young warrior that disrespected her mate. If you really were his daughter, she still wouldn't think twice to teach her a lesson. Are sky people all born with that disrespect, ignorance and selfishness? She remembered when she met Jake, he was ignorant like a baby and making noise for no reason. Jake rubbed his temple, the situation getting even more complicated than he thought it would get. His mate who hates sky people together in a room with the sky girl that could be his daughter. Oh Eywa, how was he supposed to handle this? "Ma yawne please don't call her that. And yes, I tried, many times. But every time I try to look for her, she always manages to just slip past my fingers." A huff left his lips as the entire situation frustrated him to the core. He didn't want to jump to conclusions, or get his hopes up. So he needed to get her to talk. He was deep in thought, but then he got an idea as if a light bulb lit up above his head. "I-I need to go somewhere!" He frantically got up from his sitting position, feeling utterly stupid that he didn't think of this before. Ask Norm. Neytiri shook her head with her lips pursing, a small smile forming, hoping everything will turn out well for him. Because even though she hated sky people, she wanted the best for him.

"You can't run away forever," Norm says as a matter of fact as he watched you sharpening your katana on one of the lab tables with his arms crossed, the map of files under his armpit. A groan leaves your lips as you sent him a frown. Norm only smiles, ", you know you have to face him eventually." He took a seat next to you, and he put the map down on the same table you were working on. Norm read your file the same day you had your checkup, the fighting without a mask. Stupid idea by the way. Being a close friend to Jake Sully, he couldn't help but be curious as he spoke to you about it. That's when you told him the whole story. He felt for you but nagged you to eventually talk to him to make up for all the lost time. And to this day he is still nagging you. You let out a groan as you slammed your forehead against the metal table, "Norm, please! Why is everyone forcing me to talk to him?!" "Because he's your dad?", he says as a matter of fact and you frown at his smug face, "whatever mister know it better, I'm going to get some fruits from the forest." You got up from your seat and sheathed your katana into the safety strap on your hip. You walk towards the door as you took your mask off it, putting it against your face. "Think about it while you're gathering those fruits! Maybe Eywa will knock some sense into you when you walk through mother nature." With an annoyed hiss, you took off.

At the same time, Jake Sully made his way toward the lab. The two of you just missed each other as you went the other way. He slammed the first door open, the door disinfecting him as he took the oxygen mask off the wall. He then opened the second door and immediately took a whizz of the Pandorean air through the mask, attaching it at his hip, "NORM!" His voice boomed through the room, but there was no response in the common area. He stepped further inside the room in an awkward position. He couldn't fit inside the room, so he had to bend his back, yet his head still hit the roof. One of his hands was placed on the roof to keep his balance. "Norm!" He screamed yet again, huffing in annoyance as no one seemed to answer him. No scientist was in sight. Was everyone busy? He decided to walk around the room, well it wasn't really walking in his instance as one step was already almost across the room. His head cocked to the side as his eyes met the map on the table. It was the map from a few days ago, the one Norm gave him and was ripped from his hands by you. He knew he shouldn't do it, but curiosity took over. The same curiosity when he first got into the forests of Pandora. His knees hit the cold floor as he sat down. He took the map in his hands, it being the same size as his palm as he flipped the page with his finger. It was all in Na'vi, as the resistance didn't mind integrating into their culture. The first page was the checkup, with notes all around the text, about Seb, Raja and you. He continued flipping, a page about Seb. He didn't care about him, so he continued flipping and flipping. He grew frustrated as he couldn't find your information. Then he reached one of the last pages.

(Y/N) (L/N) SULLY.

His eyes widened, his heart cracking and beating in his throat all at the same time. Your birth date was the same, your birthplace was the same, and the names of your biological parents. As well as his name right under it. He felt dizzy all of a sudden. His breath hitched in his throat. It really was you. "Norm, I'm back." You walked into the room once you put your mask away, a lot of fruits in your arms that humans could digest. "I was so kind to bring fruits for everyone, you better tha-," when you got into the room, you weren't met with Norm, Max, or any other of the scientists that stayed on Pandora. No, you were met with Jake Sully. Your father. You dropped the fruits you were holding on the floor and at the same time the map fell out of his hands. Jake Sully got up from the floor, proceeding to hit his head against the ceiling at the way he suddenly got up. But he didn't feel the pain, he couldn't feel anything except his heart beating so fast with his eyes focused on his daughter, "my babygirl.." the way he spoke your nickname in his English accent made your heart beat in your throat. He took a step towards you, but you backed away, "don't, don't touch me." Your lips pursed as the tears welled up in your eyes. "My baby-" "I SAID DON'T!!" your scream filled the room, "Don't say anything, Jake Sully." Your voice was harsh as you spoke his name, your expression furious yet so upset.

And he felt his heart break.

A/N: thank you sm for reading. I appreciate the comments you all leave me. Thank you for all the support! I also thought of writing a Neteyam x reader after this, so let me know if you would like to read that. <3

Taglist in the comments cause it doesn't fit here [legit felt like I was tagging like 200 people, so annoying I can only tag 5 per comment]

Y'all have some interesting usernames

[jennelikejennay]

One thing that bugs me about the way Vulcans are usually depicted (with some lovely exceptions) is that their philosophy—logic, or the teachings of Surak, for short I'm just going to call it Surakianism—is very often shown as a bad thing. Either that, or Vulcans aren't following it at all.

Writing about religion (and I do think Surakianism is best approached as a religion*) is always fraught. Because generally as a writer, you don't actually practice the faith in question, so naturally you'll have an outside view. That's doubly true of Surakianism, a way of life humans basically can't follow and it would probably be bad for us to try.

[*I know they don't call it a religion. But the way it deeply affects the interior life of Vulcans, their ethics, and so on feels very religious to me. It doesn't seem to have a position on theism; Vulcans get their beliefs about god(s) from elsewhere, such as traditional Vulcan polytheism and their own perceptions of the universe. But the way it exists as a social structure AND a guide to the inner self is absolutely religious to me.]

We are told that Vulcans developed this philosophy specifically because they needed it—they were destroying themselves without it! Their emotions were overpowering and violent, and they were clannish to the extreme. So despite what most of the human characters say, especially Bones, I think the path of logic is a good thing for Vulcans, even if humans don't get it at all.

Surak's teachings can be summed up into three basic points (a Vulcan somewhere just raised an eyebrow clear into their bangs at this oversimplification, but I'm doing my best here):

1. Logic, or the use of reason as a guide and the control of emotions

2. Nonviolence

3. IDIC—infinite diversity in infinite combinations.

Of course we only ever hear about the first one, because that's part humans notice. I'd say it was like reducing Catholics to fish Fridays and Mormons to underwear, but that's exactly what people do, so I guess it's understandable.

But I think the ordering goes the other way for Vulcans. First, acknowledge that others are of value, including and especially when they're different from you. Then, do them no harm. And finally, to achieve that goal, control your wild, violent emotions.

People imagine pre-reform Vulcans a lot of ways (and I never get tired of reading about them), but I think the best guide as to what they're like is by looking at Romulans. Romulans aren't wildly expressive with their emotions, we're certainly not talking about people who would otherwise be laughing and crying constantly. Instead, they're secretive and carry long, hateful grudges. They're loyal only to those closest to them, and they seem entirely without empathy otherwise.

Imagine the Vulcan emotions are like that. They have strong bonds to their clan, probably in part because of their telepathy. They're suspicious of outsiders, angry, prone to violence. Preferring the familiar is an instinct in humans too, but a mild one. Certainly humans have been and still are racist, but it's something we can generally overcome. I'm not sure the Vulcans could, not by relying on their emotions.

So they came up with the solution to control their emotions completely. Use reason instead as a guide to behavior, because logic will tell you that your own clan is not more important than another, and that reaching out in peace is beneficial to yourself and others. Don't give your emotions any credence and don't let them run wild.

Humans do some of this ourselves, and should arguably be doing more. We spend a huge chunk of our childhood learning to control antisocial impulses like screaming, hitting, and biting. We demonstrate self control in many tiny, unnecessary ways, in order to show to others that we are in control of ourselves: stuff like etiquette, social rules, even just leaving the last cookie on the tray for someone else. These are signals that say I am not governed by my appetites; I can be trusted to consider the needs of others.

And we could obviously be doing more. Too many political questions are being answered by people's emotional, knee-jerk responses like "I feel threatened by people who are different" or "I am angry about my enemies and want them punished" instead of "what produces the most benefit for everyone?" If we leaned more heavily on logic and reason to get us our answers, we'd make way better decisions than we do. Star Trek doesn't often acknowledge that in real life, making a snap gut decision doesn't actually have a very high success rate. Logic gives you better odds of saving the day.

But, you might say, Vulcans aren't doing very well at any of this. A heck of a lot of them that we've seen are racist. And while they repress their emotions just great, they don't actually make the most logical decisions most of the time.

But I don't think this actually discredits a religion at all. We all know Christians who are great at the easy parts of their religion—learning Bible verses or saying rosaries—but don't seem to be even trying to love their neighbor. That's in fact the way religions are usually practiced! External elements that people can easily see (like never smiling) are adhered to by social pressure, but more heart-level things are aspirational at best. That doesn't mean the message of a religion is bad; it doesn't really tell us anything.

This is especially true for a religion whose practice isn't optional. You have to follow Surak to stay on the planet. I can see this rule was necessary during the time when the Romulans were kicked out—pacifism doesn't work as a global solution unless everybody's doing it. Now, it seems a bit harsh. I think they get around it by not exiling anybody who's at least giving lip service to logic. That racist baseball guy in DS9 isn't a good Vulcan, but as long as he doesn't do anything violent or openly reject Surak, they're willing to say he counts.

Why are Vulcans so often the opposite of what their religion teaches? I think it's the other way around: their religion focuses specifically on their chief faults: clannishness, racism, ego. It just hasn't successfully transformed everyone. Makes perfect sense, really. We might as well ask why Christianity goes on and on about sex when humans are well known to be super obsessed with sex. Well that's WHY! It's one of our strongest impulses which in the past we felt the most desperate need to control.

The best argument against Surakianism is that total repression isn't the best way to handle emotion, that we need self-awareness of our emotions before we can account for them.

To which all I can say is, don't you think Vulcans know that?

I imagine there are lots and lots of viewpoints on this among Vulcans. Some favor repression and some favor understanding and acceptance; some think it's okay to have a little dry humor and some think we should be serious. We have the kolinahri who believe in the excision of all emotion (which I imagine is universally seen as extreme, like we might see cloistered nuns or monks who reject the world to achieve enlightenment). And surely there are ancient, wise Vulcans who deeply understand all their emotional impulses and are completely in control of them. Spock certainly seems this way by the movie era if not before: he knows that he has emotions, what they are, and how to respond to them. He has overcome the emotion of shame. So he seems not impassive on the outside, but a person at complete peace inside and out.

I just feel like we could stand to see more good Surakians, who are good not in spite of their belief in logic, but because of it. Kind of like how we see both good and bad followers of the Prophets on Bajor. I'm kind of anti religion myself, but I still want to see it given its due—especially a religion founded on such good principles. Sure, it's not a religion humans can really practice, nor need—a good half of our emotions are positive and pro-social, so it's no wonder a person like Bones would be convinced Vulcans are just punishing themselves unnecessarily. But it successfully turned Vulcan from a planet so violent it almost destroyed itself to a home of peace and learning. Of course Vulcans aren't going to mess with what works!

That has been my rant about logic for today. I highly recommend @dduane 's book Spock's World for a much deeper dive into logic and the path Vulcan took to get there.

[bestbouy]

i think i just love the idea of the different universes with their like, styles???

like how Gwen's is totally watercolor and Hobie's is all scrapbookish punk n newspaper, y'know???? and, of course, Miles and Pavitr's are both more "normal" but they still have that... you know... v i b e... they're both normal but they have elements that make it their own. Like how Pavitr's universe is mainly super warm colors?

anyways this got me thinking y'know how it's super obvious Hobie has a different universe style?? not so much for Gwen because hers is a little different, but with the whole. changing skin, the OUTLINE, it's very obvious

I think it'd be super cool if in Hobie's universe, it's kind of like the opposite for anybody who's not from it? They have their own like, radius of... their own dimension???

I'm only comparing this to Hobie's dimension, it's very obvious none of this would happen in CANON so I'm literally just spitballing. Also because Hobie is the only one with the outline and funny overlay thing, and it'd be fun to play around with the other three's possible like,,, vibe!!

Gwen would leave like, imprints of watercolor? like dabbing it on a piece of paper, leaving color that dries out back to normal over time?? it would bleed into the world around her, it might even mimic her emotions with the color!

If she was upset it would be harsh, spread more, it would come out in spiked reds and blacks?

happy would seep in a lot more subtly, and cover a lot more space, but you wouldn't realize how much room it's taking up just because it's so slow to take it up and really is only at about.. idk, 20% opacity, slowly builds up the happier she gets? it would be more visible in puddles, just like with normal watercolor (Compared to anger, which would be very in-your-face and obvious)

It would rely a lot on her emotions, methinks, the stronger they are, the more visible the color!

Miles would have a sketchy, drawing-like atmosphere to him, kind of like what you can see on the spot y'know? and, since the spot came from Miles' dimension, I think it makes sense!

It would be less noticeable, but the things he interacts with would probably turn into a slightly stylized version of itself? A cup he holds or drinks from wouldn't change DRAMATICALLY, but it might copy his look and have sketch-like lines around it. Nothing huge, but enough that you can tell what he's touched in the past few minutes/hours

Pavitr would have a similar vibe to Gwen's, but with warm colors instead! His effect wouldn't change with emotions like hers, but it would probably bleed in the same way as hers. He would leave behind trails of warm oranges and yellows wherever he goes and leaving it behind on what he touches. He wouldn't notice this, but it would be veeery obvious to Hobie or anybody from his dimension.

Actually, I think the way that we can spot Hobie because of his differences in outline/radius effect would highly apply to them in his dimension! Everybody in Hobie's world can CLEARLY tell that Gwen, Miles and Pav aren't from there, and while the common person might not recognize they're from another universe, they might get the same feeling as if you were seeing like.. a skinwalker, or something. They're human, but it doesn't feel like it.

ANYWAYS back to Pavitr

He has a warm, cozy vibe, I think unlike the others his can seep more into emotions, I think he's an empathetic person and that melts into his little area effect. if he's super happy or excited about something the people around him get a tiny bit happier too!! when he's sad (and it's rly hard to make him sad bc this boy is POSITIVE THINKER #1) his colors get a bit colder, but I don't think they would affect other people like his happy ones do, honestly just SEEING such a normally happy guy so sad would do enough to ur mood than some radius effect lol

ANYWAYS that's just a lil thought. they are silly. and this is going into my ideas folder. have a good one n remember to drink water

(I would go on but this is super long already XD)

[spacebarbarianweird]

the officialized Dadstarion request:

I was thinking that Astarion is trying to teach his moody pre-teen dhampir how to fight and she’s not having a good time, because why would someone as strong as her bother with mortal weapons, let alone some knives. But Astarion is pretty set on teaching her how to defend herself in a way that has her rely on skills other than her inherent dhampir powers.

There’s definitely a clash of opinions but both slowly get where the other is coming from—Astarion who was weak and had to learn how to be strong; his kid—born strong having to come to terms with the fact that strength isn’t everything

Thank you, hehe ✨

Ooof, I finally made it! Hope you will enjoy the story about how to train your dhampir!

If you wonder who is Nris and how he ended up in the Ancunins' basement, you can read The Dead, the Half-Dead and the Undead (but you don't have to).

Synopsis: Astarion teaches Alethaine how to fight

Tags: dadstarion, dhampirs, necromancy, father-daughter relationship, Tiriel is being a bitch, slice of life

Alethaine's age: 11

Thanks @themadlu for beta-reading!

Read on AO3

Masterlist

Headcanons

Alethaine drops her bag on an empty chair and yawns, showing her dhampir fangs (and causing a tiny human child next to her to flinch).

The teacher, an elderly tiefling with a broken tail, explains the town’s kids things so basic that the dhampir already knew them when she was four. 

Unfortunately, there is only one person in the whole Daggerlake who has decided to teach the local kids at least something, and once a week, a bunch of children aged eight to fourteen gather in a small hut to listen to the tiefling bragging about the “good old days” and also learn some basics of math and Infernal.

“What are you doing here?” a dwarven girl, Rutha, whispers. “I thought your dad locked someone in the basement to teach you...magic stuff!”

“Nris knows no shit!” Alethaine answers. “All he teaches me is how to draw stupid runes and sigils and he can’t even raise a dead dog from the dead!” She stumbles. “Wait! How do you know dad locked someone in the basement?!”

“Everyone in town knows Astarion kidnapped a dark wizard,” Rutha shrugs. “He’s been there for how long? Does your dad feed on him?”

Alethaine bites her lower lip. It was supposed to be a secret along with her necromantic abilities. A year ago she accidentally revived a dead kitten. As if the gods had decided that elf-dhampir wasn't enough and also gave Alethaine an innate talent for necromancy.

Sorceress.

That’s what Alethaine Ancunin is.

Her dad, Astarion, faced and solved this problem in his own manner: he brought his daughter a teacher. Nris, a poor necromancer whose soul had been sold to the devils. Astarion broke the necromancer’s pact but made him sign another. Nris was supposed to teach Alethaine necromancy while hiding in the basement of the Ancunin’s house as long as his service was needed.

“No, he just lives there. And he is a useless piece of shit!” Alethaine says in her normal voice as the human boys who sit in the front row start arguing with the teacher calling him a demon.

“Why is that necromancer still there?” Rutha exclaims.

“I AM TIRED OF YOU LITTLE FUCKER!” the teacher yells and drags one of the boys to the board.

“Because of my mum!” Alethaine answers. “Dad wanted to get rid of Nris in a week. And you know what happened? Mum went down to the basement, looked at the necromancer, and yelled that he owed her money!”

“How so?”

“OH, YOU WANNA A FIST FIGHT?!” The tiefling roars at the ten-year-old. “YOU WILL GET A FIST FIGHT!”

Alethaine got closer to Rutha.

“When mum was twenty, he gave her a quest to retrieve some magic item from some ogres. She did find it, but the ogres broke her hand in two places. When she came back, Nris refused to pay and Mum had to stay in a temple till she fully recovered. So, Dad calculated the interest since it’s been almost fifty years ago and also the moral damage – and now Nris is staying till he pays back by teaching me!”

A wooden chair flies over the girls’ heads and smashes against the wall.

“YOU MOTHERF –” the teacher suddenly remembers he is in the room full of children and switches to Infernal. The insults pour down on them and Alethaine takes a piece of paper to write down at least a few words. Who knows, maybe she will need to make a devil cry one day?

“Slow down!” Alethaine yells back. “I am taking notes!”

Someone in the classroom joins the screaming match and Alethaine’s head starts aching. Acute hearing causes more trouble than common people think.

… When Alethaine leaves school (if one can call it that), it’s still afternoon. Usually, the dhampir helps the healer with the herbs – the halfling doesn’t see in the dark of the underground tunnels and can’t walk up the walls, so Alethaine has been helping her since she was five. Kelma pays her and the dhampir often has some money to spend on herself, especially when traveling sellers visit Daggerlake or her parents take her to Secomber, a bigger city fifty miles to the West. 

Alethaine takes the stone stairs and walks to the underground part of the town. The dhampir has no idea why Kelma prefers to live there without dark vision, but it seems like she is perfectly fine in the shadows.

“Oh, you are early today,” Kelma says, seeing Alethaine entering the yard. 

“The teacher fought the smith’s daughter.”

“Ah, he’s drunk his own brains with fire whiskey. I have no work today, Aletha, take a day off.”

“Don’t you need anything?”

“Do you want to help me clean the hut? I can give you the rugs to mop the ceiling,” the healer chuckles.

“Nope.”

“I thought so. You know, Alethaine, you were always a bit lazy. Tiriel would come to me asking if it was normal for an elf to sleep as much like you did.”

“Kelma—” Alethaine groans.

“Oh, and I remember you absolutely refused to walk when you already could. Why bother walking if mum and dad carried you around? They have been spoiling you rotten, especially Astarion!” Kelma laughs.

“You know Kelma… I will busy myself with something!”

“Good, Alethaine. Tomorrow, I will need your help to carry sacks around.”

“The teacher wants to give us a test in math tomorrow.”

“Do you care?”

“No.”

“Then I expect to see you at noon,” the halfling takes her pipe out and smokes.

Alethaine closes the fence. She doesn’t want to go home – Tiriel will try to force her to learn magic from Nris. And not because she really thinks he can teach her anything, but because she wants compensation for what the necromancer did to her fifty years ago. To her daughter, Tiriel has never come across as vindictive;now Alethaine thinks  her mother will rip the throat of anyone refusing to pay for her services in battle.

So, the dhampir goes further into the underground tunnels.

This part of the town is completely prohibited for the town's kids, but Alethaine has been going there since she was little. The tunnels are a part of some ancient temple that disappeared into oblivion millennia ago. They spread further and further under the ground, nearly reaching the Underdark.

And the whole place is deliciously creepy.

Alethaine jumps on what looks like a part of the wall, spreads her arms as if she needs to keep her balance and walks forward.

The sounds of the town fade as the girl explores the dark place. 

Alethaine Ancunin sees the world in shades of gray. She senses the presence of creatures full of warm blood and skeletons buried beneath the stones.

Skulls can tell a lot if one knows how to make them talk…

Someone grabs Alethaine from up above. She smells fresh blood and senses the familiar embrace.

“Dad! Let me go!” She laughs as Astarion holds her a few feet above the wall. 

“Hm? Should I?” he chuckles. His shirt is blood-stained and his skin is unnaturally warm.

“Yes! Dad, let me go!” Aletaine insists and he immediately puts her back.

Then, Astarion jumps on the wall and now they stand in front of each other. Alethaine smiles and hugs him.

“I thought you didn't want me to hold you?” he mocks her, patting her back.

“I don’t like being held upside down!”

“It’s actually ridiculous because it’s natural to walk like that” he sits at the edge of the wall. Alethaine joins him. It’s about twenty feet to the solid ground and it would concern Alethaine if a fall could do any harm to her.

Well, it still can. When Alethaine was eight she had a nasty fall into a crevice and broke her leg. She crawled back using her spider climb and then went straight home. It took her longer with a broken leg and she ugly cried because there was no one around. By the time she arrived home, her leg had already healed thanks to her regenerative abilities, but it didn’t mean the whole experience was less horrifying for the little dhampir. 

Alethaine remembers entering the house, all dirty, with a blood-stained dress, without one boot, hair dirty and messy, limping (because the leg hurt as hell) while her parents were talking in the kitchen. Now that she is eleven, she suspects she witnessed Astarion drinking Tiriel’s blood.

She knows her father dines on her mother’s blood. She also knows that it involves adult things she isn’t supposed to see. 

“How was school?” Astarion asks, taking his daughter’s hand. Alethaine’s skin is as pale as his.

“I learned how to swear in Infernal.”

“A rather practical skill!” he laughs. “I had a fight with a behir. Rather horrible beasts. And their blood tastes… weird”

“Do you drink any blood?” she suddenly asks. “Like, will any living creature do?”

“Blood is blood,” Astarion shrugs. “I can feed on fleas and worms as long they are alive.”

“Ew! Gross!” Alethaine cringes and her father smiles. There is something bitter about it, but Alethaine doesn’t know why. 

“...your mother's blood tastes different from that of any...,” he sighs dreamily and Alethaine covers her pointy ears.

They sit in silence for a while.

“You need to be careful,” he says. “There are many dangers in the tunnels and also in the woods.”

“I can deal with danger! I am a dhampir!” She bares her fangs and then takes a boulder that weighs almost as much as hers and tosses it into the air like a rubber ball. “I can rip their throats and break their bones. And I also know dark spells!”

“Alethaine, you are eleven. You aren’t invincible. I want you to be careful.”

“What for? I can fight an ogre if I need to! I am a Dhampir and a necromancer, I already know more than this filthy man you locked in the basement!”

Astarion’s face gets a serious expression.

“You know more than him, princess, because he is a wizard and you are a sorcerer. He taught himself all the things you were born with. But it doesn't seem like you know how to use these skills.”

“I will be fine!”

“All right then,” Astarion chuckles.

Aethaine turns around and suddenly a cold grip closes on her throat. Astarion’s eyes glow red.

“Dad…”

And then he jumps from the wall dragging her with him. In a heartbeat Alethaine finds herself restrained on the stones with her father’s knees on her ribcage and his dagger against her neck.

“So, where is your strength and where is the necromancy?” he asks softly. “If I were an enemy, you would be already dead.”

Alethaine pushes Astarion and he lets her go. The anger awakes something feral in the dhampir, the predatory side that screams “kill the vampire,” and she jumps on Astarion.

KILL THE VAMPIRE.

Only to be thrown away.

Astarion moves gracefully, holding daggers in his hands.

“Cast a spell.”

“But—”

“Cast at least something, princess, since you are so proud of your abilities!”

Alethaine raises her hand. For a brief second, her fingertips prickle, and a green ray strikes Astarion. 

And nothing happens even though Alethaine is sure he has been hit.

“What do the drunkard at school and the moron in the basement even teach you…” Astarion mutters. Now, he looks just disappointed. “I am undead. I am immune to necrotic damage!”

“Fuck,” Alethaine says.

“Fuck indeed. Did I hurt you?”

“No, I am fine.”

Astarion kneels in front of her. “Princess, you are not invincible. Many things will want to hurt you. And if you don't know how to protect yourself, you will die. And you’d better pray you just die in the blink of an eye not feeling anything. Because there are things worse than death. Being trapped by a hag. Being a slave in the Underdark. Getting your memories and personality erased. Turning into a disgusting monster. You can’t turn into a vampire, that’s for sure, but dhampirs are our worst enemies. Your mother and I released seven thousand bloodsuckers into the Underdark and who knows how many vampires are there now. And if they learnt you exist, young and innocent, they will want you dead before you become a menace.”

Astarion hands her a dagger.

“You need to learn how to fight.”

**

Alethaine is tired, dirty, and angry.

Every time she thinks she understands how to use daggers in a fight, she somehow ends up on the ground over and over again.

Or against the wall.

Or with a blade against her throat.

Or face down with her father pressing a knee on her back.

And over and over again she is forced to stand and try again. 

Her bones have been broken at least thrice. One time she even lost consciousness after Astarion pushed against a boulder. She woke up in a second and tried to bite her dad but instead ended up in a pool of dirt once again.

“You are dhampir!” he encourages her. “You are stronger than I am! You don’t have my weaknesses! You can take me in a fight!”

“Who said that,” Alethaine sniffs and tries once again. 

And again.

And again.

“I am tired,” she pouts. “And hungry. We can try again later!”

Astarion looks at her and nods. 

The moment he turns around, Alethaine snatches the dagger and stabs his hip forcing Astarion to fall down with a short cry.

She pulls the blood-stained dagger and jumps on him, pointing the weapons at his face.

Astarion stares at her in shock and then starts laughing.

“You did it! Gods, Alethaine, you did!” He sits up and hugs her. “My ferocious little princess, you took me down!”

Alethaine looks at his hip which has already stopped bleeding. 

“It was fun,” Alethaine admits as they return home.

“I suppose you enjoyed the part when you threatened to cut my perfect face?”

“It was fun to fight. I want to know more about fencing!”

“I will teach you, don’t worry. You will challenge evil vampire lords to duels and end their pathetic lives!”

Alethaine smiles holding her father’s hand.

“I will tell Nris you are tired,” he says when they approach home.

“Dad… about that… Could you please send him away?”

“Your mother wants him to stay.”

“And I don’t! The whole point was for him to teach me, not Mum to get her revenge!”

“All right, I will talk to her,'' Astarion promises. “Now go and clean yourself before eating.”

Alethaine spends an hour in the bath washing off the dirt and sweat. She hears her parents talking but can’t decipher their words. 

When she finally returns to the kitchen, Tiriel hands out a plate with dinner in front of her.

“Kitten, so you really don’t learn anything from Nris?” the red-headed warrior asks.

“The drunk tiefling at school teaches me more!”

“Great. I am tired of having a stranger in the house. Besides, we need the basement for something else!” she suspiciously winks to Astarion and the vampires grins.

Alethaine pretends she didn’t hear that.

Tiriel goes downstairs. Something slams against the wall.

“Wake up, moron!” Tiriel yells.

“What now?” Nris grunts as the barbarian drags him upstairs. “Oh, hello creatures of the night. You’ve decided to eat me and end my sufferings?”

Tiriel pushes him to the table. The necromancer looks pathetic – he wears rags, reeks of cheap ale, and the symbol of Thay on his chest is covered with the remains of his last dinner. 

“You know, I really needed those ten gold back,” Tiriel grabs his short hair as if she wanted to slam his face against the table. “I was twenty, I was all alone, no soul to care about me and the only thing I wanted was to do my job and get a fucking reward!”

“Mum, I am still a minor!” Alethane protests.

“Kitten, I am well aware of your skills in insulting others!” Tiriel returns back to Nris. “So, imagine me crawling back from that disgusting cave with my hand broken in two, bleeding and tired, only for you, Nris, to take the item and cast me out like a cat on the streets!”

“I am sorry! Tiriel, I’ve already apologized! Astarion, tell her!”

“Nris, there are only two people in this world I care about and neither likes you,” Astarion keeps sharpening his dagger.

“You apologized only because you realized your well-being depended on me, a once poor stupid girl who couldn’t read! Fuck off, I don’t want to ever see you again.”

Nris stares at her with horror. “You let me go? Just like this?”

“Well, not exactly,” Tiriel takes his right hand and breaks the bone with a disgusting cracking sound.

“YOU BITCH!!” the necromancer cries out. “FUCK!”

Tiriel grabs Nris’s collar and drags him all the way to the front door to throw him out like a drunk client in a tavern.

Alethaine looks at Astarion.

“And mum is supposed to be the normal one?” she says.

“Your mum allowed a vampire to bite her, what are you even talking about…”

Tiriel walks back and sits at the table, taking her portion of the food.

“And now you two tell me why you look worse than I did after working for that piece of shit!”

**

Astarion goes downstairs to the basement. The place reeks of the necromancer even though he has left.

“We need to burn everything down,” Tiriel says, looking around.

“Darling, I am not ready to move anywhere, especially after an arson,” he hugs her and teases her left ear. “But now, the basement is all ours!”

“I actually got tired of wishing for Alethaine to go for a walk every time we want to have sex. Do you remember how easy it was before? Whenever and wherever we wanted!”

“Acute dhampir hearing be damned,” Astarion sticks his hand inside Tiriel’s waistband. “But she can’t hear us from down here; is your desire for justice satisfied?”

“Oh, absolutely! But you’ve made a pact with him, haven't you?”

“I did. So, if Alethaine needs him for something he can’t say no because otherwise his former masters will come for him. He really did need to pay you back then!” His left hand traces along her curves.

“I was hurt and lonely,” she pouts. “It was a cold autumn, and I had to sleep on the floor of the temple of Tyr. I imagined someone hugging me to fall asleep.”

“Hm? Was it an elf with short silver hair?” he chuckles.

“I imagined him with long hair like your people usually have,” Tiriel sticks her neck out, inviting him for a bite.

Astarion pierces the skin and Tiriel’s blood gushes down his throat. 

Her blood is unique, no other sentient being can compare. Even small droplets of it satiate him, make his heart beat, and warm his skin.

He lets her go before pushing her on the floor.

“I love you,” Astarion says, getting rid of her clothes as she unlaces his trousers. 

“I love you, too,” Tiriel answers, tugging him as close as possible.

--

Tag list

@tugoslovenka  

@herstxrgirl 

@herdarkestnightelegance  

@vixstarria 

@not-so-lost-after-all  

@marcynomercy  

@theearthsfinalconfession 

@starlight-ipomoea    

@micropoe10 

@astarion-imagine-archive  

@veillsar

@elora-the-slutty-songstress  

@fayeriess  

@lumienyx  

@tallymonster    

@caitlincat-95  

@tragedybunny  

@valeprati  

@lynnlovesthestars   

@marina-and-the-memes  

@waking-eyes   

@ayselluna  

@connorsui  

@asterordinary  

@darkarchangel96  

@locallegume  

@brainfullofhotsauce   

@coffeeanddonutscafe  

@my-queen-rhaenyra-targaryen 

@queenofthespacesquids  

@ednaaa-04  

@dajeong

@wilteddreamsofbaldursgate

[loupy-mongoose]

Randy lay splayed in the grass, his face up to the vast, cloud-speckled sky. Beside him a small lake flowed down into a creek--the creek that trailed near their house. He listened to the calming sound of its careless course. Akoya sat beside him, and Lav was with the twins a little ways away. He could hear the grass rustle as they played

He sighed, his eyes closed, relishing being bathed in deep contentment for once.

How are you feeling?

Randy smiled. Sleepy.

Hmbph! He felt a soft-but-scolding jab to his side that caused him to involuntarily curl into himself.

No sleeping! His wife's voice was playful.

He chuckled as he let himself lay again. I'm not, I'm not!

So you're relaxed, then?

The pink Mew nodded. He hadn't felt this relaxed in awhile, really.

They'd picked a good place to do this.

Okay.

Psychically sensing others is just another form of what you already know. Telepathy, telekinesis, things like that. Even using elemental moves like Thunderbolt.

Let your senses go. Feel the energy around you. Imagine them around you.

He lay still and silent, letting the world around him fill his ears and nose. Taking it in.

Slowly he began feeling his senses shift into his Psychic energy. Beyond scent and sound. Beyond sight and taste.

Similar to touch, but beyond even that.

It felt as if he was reaching out with a strange phantom arm and hand, blindly grabbing into a deep barrel of water inaccessible to regular senses. Water made up of several different sensations.

This was a feeling that he would never experience had he stayed human. Some humans did gain or even inherit a Psychic incline, but not like this.

This was...

oddly freeing?

A new aspect of his Mew abilities to explore.

He kept his breathing slow and even.

This didn't come naturally to him. Or at least that's what he felt like. Letting his energy out like this was... unfamiliar.

Akoya always told him he thinks too much--which was definitely true, whether it impacted his Psychic abilities or not--and that his powers relied on feeling. It was difficult for him to break free of his thinking habit to make his powers work properly.

He took in the sensations of the energy his phantom arm was reaching.

It was a frighteningly complex mixture, blending together in a strange, chaotic soup. He noticed that it was most intensely coming from where Lav and the twins were playing.

Suddenly he heard the grass beside him crinkle.

~Don't open your eyes.~

He fought his urge to look, and kept them shut.

After a moment, the voice spoke in his head again. ~Without looking, point to where you think I'm at.~

Randy hesitated a moment, feeling out with his power. Then, still lying on his back and feeling a little self-conscious, he pointed to the sky.

That's right!

There was silence, aside from sounds from where Lav was playing with the twins. Midas' bell chimed softly. Like a tiny voice telling listeners "all will be okay".

~Alright. Where now?~

Again, Randy felt and pointed.

Yup!

They did this a few more times, with the the feeling phase growing slightly shorter each time. Then, she returned to ground level.

So you seem able to sense us. Just not as readily as we can.

You and Lav might be easier for me, since I've known you both longer.

Can you feel me?

Randy thought for a moment. Yeah. Quite prominently, actually. His brows furrowed, and he turned to Akoya. If I can feel her this easily, why haven't other Mews?

She's concealing her energy. As am I... and even you are. However easy it is to find her for us, one would have to be seeking to find her energy. If you're concerned about her being a beacon, I'd be more worried about the twins. Perzi's right that they aren't hiding their energy. It's not like... Super obvious, but doesn't take much searching.

The long Mew turned to the twins in their little spot with Lav. He recalled the intense feeling he'd noticed earlier. He closed his eyes and focused.

Sure enough, he detected that intense flow coming straight from them. Lav's energy was but a cotton ball next to theirs.

You know what... Randy opened his eyes and turned to the blue Mew. Her arms were crossed, and she had an upset look on her face. I don't think you've been unable to sense them. I think you've been unable to stop sensing them. You've been in their energy fields near constantly since they were born... Her ears fell back, and her voice grew quiet. No wonder you've been anxious...

Thinking about it, he flicked his ear. I could believe that. Even to me, they're, uh... How do I put it?

Loud?

Randy nodded to her. Yeah. Loud. That's a good way of putting it.

Randy, I-- Akoya's voice choked, and Randy was startled to see her eyes shining with tears.

The sun was setting by the time the family returned home. Momo and Midas had fallen sound asleep, and were cozied up in their big sister's arms.

Perzi approached as they arrived.

How'd the lesson go?

Pretty well, I'd say. She turned to Lav and the sleeping twins. Lav, do you mind taking them in? We'll be in in a minute.

Lav nodded. You got it, Mom

She went inside.

Randy looked around. He felt his all-to-familiar anxiety return with a vengeance. Where's Rosemary?

She's around.

The utterly nonchalant demeanor of Persim's voice struck him, and he felt his usual urge to protect the "missing" child. Too late he attempted to stop himself from speaking. The accusation he had formed stuttered out of his mouth like rough pebbles.

HGGhg bgghb ghhgfh!

*Ahem...*

He took a deep breath, and let it out. He plastered a very forced smile on. Good luck with that. And he hurriedly flew into the house.

Before following her mate inside, Akoya side-eyed her brother. It probably wouldn't hurt to be a little more cautious about her. She is still a vulnerable baby, after all.

Perzi rolled his eyes. Yeah, yeah, don't worry. I got her.

Akoya gave him a glare that said in no words "I hope so", and rushed off after her family.

~~~~~~

PREVIOUS NEXT

ARC START

Gateway to a less anxious life~ :3

[polarisblitzwing]

WELCOME TO THE FRI3NDSFOR3VER AU

Ford's World - Dimension Fri3nds46/’

◇ Alternative Earth Variant ◇

● Humans have wings and feathered tails

● Alternative Pines family decisions timeline

◇ Stanford Pines ◇

● Ford is a minor god of dreams and a self-proclaimed god of anomalies

● 30 years old here (Young Immortal)

● Met Bill when he was 5 due to him attempting an interdimensional dreamwalk link, with Bill trying the same thing by chance, something that wouldn't work at their age without each other

◇ Gods Among Them ◇

● Most gods were mortals whose power was drawn to them like a magnet due to their personality in some way

● Fairly secretive and prefer to hide their works

● Rely on their believers to notice their efforts, resulting in an increase in power

● Can reveal themselves to the public, but building up power from faith alone is more sustainable for less powerful gods

● Stop aging between 25 and 100 (depending on what age someone wants to live forever)

◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇

Bill's World - For3verEuclydia

◇ Alternative Euclydia Variant ◇

● 360 years is the average lifespan of a Euclydian in this au

● No massacre

◇ Bill Cipher ◇

● Bill is a minor god of dreams and a self-proclaimed god of weirdness

● 30 years old here (Young Immortal)

● Met Ford and Stan when he was 5

◇ Gods Among Them ◇

● Only gods have wings and tails as a power symbol

● Their wings and tails are invisible to anyone that doesn't believe in them specifically

● “Omnipotent” Euclydian gods only know everything about their own world. Bill's knowledge of the third dimension is seen as false teachings to even them.

◇ Bill’s Family ◇

● Scalene is a goddess of Truth and Euclid is a god of Reality

● No one believes Bill is a god except his parents, as godhood is a power grant at birth to someone who the power is drawn to here. It can skip generations.

◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇

NOW, ON TO THE ACTUAL DIALOGUE FOR THIS DRAWING! FANFIC TIME ~

◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇

Bill: So here's my problem - I need to show them the stars. It gets real flat to hear “you're delusional, Bill” and “stop talking about a third dimension!” “Shh, you're gonna get arrested!” “It's not real!” Over and over again. It's time to change up the law and their perspectives.

Ford: Hmm.. that'll be quite the endeavor. You might need more power for that.

Bill: Ohh-ho-oh, definitely. Some of my ideas get real difficult along the way. The kind of stuff only a god with twice my power could pull off. 

[ Pulls up a holographic board with his first idea. ] 

Bill: If I could turn their eyes towards the stars and give them the same vision as I do, that'd be ideal. 

[ Ford manifests a danger sign over Bill's board; a buzzer sounds in warning. ]

Ford: Doing that to the entirety of Euclydia could potentially be devastating. Even if you get that newfound power, without centuries of diligent practice, you could end up permanently mutilating thousands of people in the process. Too risky. 

Bill: Uuugh… even if the people I wanted to show the most were immortal too, I don't think I could put up with more of their talk for that long. It has to be this century.

Ford: I get where you're coming from. I’ll do my best to make sure it happens when we figure out a plan that won’t have too many risks involved.

Bill: I could probably have the world dream of stars if you help, but that isn’t real enough to me. It drives me crazy that I can’t see you in real life. 

Ford: We’ll meet one day, I promise it. 

Bill: I sure hope so, Sixer. 

[ Pulls up two more holographic charts. ] 

Now.. back to my list of extremely great ideas.. what if I put really tiny stars in the world and contained the heat? Or flipped the world on the y-axis just to prove a third dimension exists first?

[ Ford manifests two more warnings in succession. ]

Ford: Could easily start a fire if anything went wrong, and for all we know, flipping the world vertically could cause everything to fall bottom to top infinitely until it’s fixed. Also runs the risk of killing a lot of Euclydians. Not to mention there could be other forces in your space that could affect the world.

Bill: Yeesh. Alright then, you got any ideas?

Ford: Actually, come to think of it.. 

[ Ford summons a hologram with a vision of his own forming. ]

Maybe instead of dreams, we tried something just a step up from multi-dimensional dream-walking, something like astral projection. We bring them out of their bodies, but tethered to their world, into space. Without the limitations of their physical forms, their eyes should be able to see more than what they could before.

Bill: SIXER, YOU'RE A GENIUS!!!

Ford: Hah, well, I try.  

Bill: NOW THAT'S SOMETHING I COULD ACTUALLY PULL OFF RISK FREE! It might take splitting up the days people get to see it, but, they’ll finally see.

Ford: Well, hold on, splitting up the days could be risky for the groups who see versus who don’t on the first day, so, here's what I'll do. I'll give you my powers for as long as you need them for this. I would like to help personally, but I’d need to physically be there. This will be my contribution to your paradigm shift for Euclydia.

Bill: ..you really trust me that much? 

Ford: (smiles and nods) Of course. You're my best friend, my muse, the sun in my galaxy, Bill. I want you to be happy.

[ Ford offers his hand and godly powers out to his partner. ]

Bill: (chuckles, smiling) You’re the best, Fordsy.

[ They shake on it. ]

[half-oz-eddie]

I know so many of my mutuals love cam boy Billy who gets all sexy for the camera but can I just say…

I love broke and desperate cam boy Billy who becomes a performer to make ends meet, but he’s so insecure about his body in comparison to others on the website, he won’t do any nudity streams, so he just does chat-with-me streams to make just enough to cover rent.

He has an audience average of 10, 30 on a good day. Most just have a thing for blue eyed bottoms with long blonde hair.

He’s so poorly ranked on the site that Steve found him by chance by filtering his search and reordering the results from bottom to top. Steve becomes a fan because Billy is honest and authentic (and hot), and makes him feel less awkward about looking for something interesting on a website a porn pop up led him to.

Steve pays for private shows, just so he can talk to Billy and get to know him better. Billy does it because he needs the money, and Steve does it because he’s terribly lonely.

And, well, Billy is terribly lonely too.

They keep it “professional.” At first. No real names are used, and they only know each other as performer CamaroBoy29 and user KS003.

Eventually, Billy becomes more confident and the private shows with Steve gradually escalate from “what’s up” to “my name is Billy, my name is Steve,” to Billy helping Steve with his midterm paper.

Then, they're doing late night shows after work, where Billy is venting about how much he hates his dad, and Steve is agreeing, revealing how his dad is an asshole too.

"Are you sure you wanna pay $12 a minute for this? I feel like you should be charging me." Billy joked.

"No, don't be silly. I like this a lot."

Not only is Billy more confident, he's smiling more, he's feeling safer, he has a friend that he's really fond of. The private shows start to become friendlier. Sometimes they're drunk nights, both of them letting loose, playing 21 questions and flirting. Billy takes a risk and lets Steve see his dick, Steve tells Billy all his sexual fantasies, and not long after, they agree to meet up.

They exchange numbers, and the private shows stop, but the photo exchanges and Apple Pays commence.

Whenever Steve has time off from school, he flies out to California to take Billy on dates. They enjoy their time together, slowly falling in love.

For awhile, Billy continues to do his no nudity shows, and Steve continues to be a supportive fan. Billy doesn’t want to rely on Steve like he’s some sugar daddy.

Steve still wants Billy’s attention—and he wants it bad. He sends $10 or more every show, just so Billy will thank him by username, and buys every outfit on Billy’s Amazon wishlist.

When Steve finally graduates from university, he tells Billy he’s going to turn down his father’s job offer and find his own way, but in California.

“I just wanna be near you.” Steve tells him.

Billy doesn't get it. He can’t understand why. He’s nobody. He’s ranked like—4,700 on a cam website because he’s too pussy to show his cock. He lives in a tiny ass, sorry excuse for apartment where his water is always cold, and he thinks he’s just a piss poor excuse for a human who can’t find enough hours to even go to the college of his dreams because he needs to work. He’d be damned if he ever had to go back to his abusive home.

Steve didn’t see Billy as a pussy or 4,700th. He saw Billy as brave, amazing, adventurous, his #1, and the best sex he’s ever had in his life.

Steve gets a really nice apartment where the water is always hot, and there’s always space for Billy, so he can do the things he loves, and be with the person who loves him.

[canmom]

l'aventure de canmom à annecy - épisode deux: XR

so I'm going to abandon all semblance of chronological order at this point.

just like last year there was an VR room operating on a morning booking system - each thing had two headsets and a signup sheet. I didn't get to try every one but I did get most of them. enough that the volunteers noticed me coming back every day x3

^ some random people immersed in the Wired

this is easily the longest annecy post so far... so please read on for a big old discussion of the unique difficulties faced by VR film as a medium, and how this year's annecy films meet them... or more often don't.

so annecy's vr films section is for essentially linear vr projects (i refuse to write "experiences") that can be watched/played in less than an hour. i don't know if that's a hard rule but that's how long all the ones here were!

let's get the technical stuff out of the way: the Quest 2/3 was by far the headset of choice. some ran natively, some were PCVR with a wire connecting to a computer, and some were 360° videos which played back on the headset with 3dof tracking. some had a degree of interactivity, up to about a 'walking simulator' level. the average runtime was between 20m and an hour.

the preamble: on the limitations of VR

the big question I have with XR movies is basically... how well does it actually use the medium? like, is it doing anything that wouldn't work better as a flatscreen game or a film?

this might seem like a high bar to clear, like why shouldn't it be in VR - but VR is uncomfortable, the headset is expensive etc etc, and that's before even the formal stuff I'm about to get into. so that's 'why not'. and also, this is a new medium, I want to see what unique features it has to offer!

I'm sure I've said this before, but despite on the face of it being more 'inmersive' than traditional flatscreen games or films, VR is actually a pretty restrictive medium! compared to flatscreen games with their many 'buttons', you are very limited in the possible interactions. your main interaction is to 'pick up' and 'hold' objects, but this is close enough to actual physical interaction to highlight how much it isn't. what it actually means is that you position your hand or controller in a trigger and press a grab button or pinch your fingers, at which point the object snaps to your hand and moves weightlessly with it.

you also can't accelerate the pov too much without causing motion sickness, etc etc.

ok, what about film? well, compared to film, the big big thing VR lacks is the frame of the camera. you can't cut, you can't frame a subject, you don't have long shots or closeups, you can't even rely on the player/viewer looking in the direction of an interesting thing.

since movement is also tricky in VR due to the motion sickness problem, you're also limited in your ability to steer the viewer to interesting sights with Valve-style 'vistas' using the level architecture. it's not impossible - Valve themselves have their familiar vistas in HL Alyx - but it's something that depends on the player being able to move through a large space, so it doesn't fit these kinds of movie-like project so well. otherwise you can draw attention to a direction using various means, like visual effects that converge on a spot, or just keeping most of the action in the same area.

what you can also do, closer to camerawork, is move the viewer's point of view, and shrink or enlarge their surroundings. the language of VR 'shots' is still far from defined, but we have a few recurring ones: standing in a normal sized room, the giant's view in a tiny city, the floating perspective looking down on a diorama, the ant's eye view inside something regular sized.

how about theatre, which also has most of these limitations? well, compared to being in person with a real human being, you're limited by the capabilities of realtime animation systems and the rendering tech available on the device. you're looking at the character in a slightly fuzzy low resolution and unless you have AAA money which noone in VR does, you're a bit limited in the 'acting' you can pull off. this may change if the apple vision pro gets popular - apple already have a 'gertie the dinosaur' style demo where a very detailed dinosaur emerges from a portal - but it's definitely out of reach of most teams working on the Quest.

so compared to all these other media, what does XR offer?

compared to film and theatre, there is the game aspect of agency: a story feels different if you are the one doing it. so most VR narrative games have characters interact with the player somehow, though this introduces the problem of how to write the player into a story without feeling like you're railroading them or that they're superfluous to the real story.

it's very easy to undercut this sense of agency by having an amount that's not zero but still too small, e.g. if it just feels like the player is touching a button that lights up then you wonder why they even bothered.

the role that most games put the (vaguely defined) player character in is 'terrifying violence doer'. this is a fairly easy role to write around, and it gives the player a lot of control of the 'how' while letting the writer control the 'what' and 'where' and 'why'. similarly if the player's role is something like 'puzzle solver'. but for a purely narrative presentation, these roles don't exist.

still, this is the idea that a lot of VR rests on: an 'immersive experience' which puts the player into the story.

the other big thing that VR has is the joy of experiencing visual effects in 3D. particles, trails, transforming geometric shapes etc are cool on a flat screen and even cooler in stereo vision where you can move your head around. another benefit is spatial audio by default - something that is gradually coming to games but provided 'for free' by vr consoles.

in the land of games, you also have incredibly precise position and direction input... as long as it's in arm's length of the player. the most successful genres of VR games (so far) use this: a lot of shooting games, and some games that let you interact with physics objects, offer 3D jigsaw puzzles, or simulate sports to provide some real exercise. it can be really good for rhythm games as beat saber demonstrates.

VR is also really for social games like VRChat - similar to MMOs but with the benefits of more complex tracking in lieu of canned animations.

but... none of these fit the form of a predictable 15-50 minute narrative sequence! they're not films! so the VR films category at annecy is a tough problem to crack.

last year, the VR project that most impressed me was one that put you in the seat of a novice spotter in a bomber in the second world war. this was a great fit for a lot of reasons. you are in a vehicle so you have no reason to move from seated; the scenario is full of loud scary sounds that can make full use of spatial audio; your 'character' is well-defined but also doesn't have much reason to speak within the scenario. this had a small amount of interaction (by pointing your head) which you could actually fail, making it a bit closer to a game, and also giving you reason to play close attention to the bombed out cityscape below you. it did a fantastic job of capturing the tension of a dangerous air mission, the pilot character interacting with you was compelling, and overall it really benefited from being in VR.

this year's films

sadly nothing I saw this year comes close to that. but still, some are interesting, so let's go through them!

My favourite this year was probably Flow - completely unrelated to the movie in the main competition, though they share the trait of being completely wordless, conveying their story simply through imagery and music.

Flow's big trick is a very cool visual effect where characters and objects are conveyed the trails left behind by little particles, causing them to appear ghostlike . At first you're just flying through a cityscape, passing various people on the street and in the subway, with the particle trails conveying the breaths of the passengers; gradually a storm brews, the trails becoming the wind that tears at everything.

I believe this was a prerendered film, with only 3dof tracking - i think i saw some compression artefacts at some point. So it's less technically impressive than if they managed to do it realtime but it does make full use of the power this gives to render loads of particles and move rapidly through different scenes. it was also an effect that benefitted from the ability to put you in the middle of it - something that would not work as well on a flat screen.

But it also benefitted a lot from being more film-like. It has an original soundtrack, and progresses without input from the player. There's no awkward 'player' character to write around, no space you stand about in. The film can simply unfold and let you appreciate it. In this case, no interaction is better than bad interaction.

My Inner Ear Quartet from Japan did not do anything particularly novel with the medium, but to my mind it had by far the most compelling story. It tells of a young, introverted boy who habitually digs in the dirt for objects that other people would consider trash. The title refers to a string quartet which he hears when he cries, imagined to be in his inner ear; also there is a pair of tiny shrimp which he saw grow in a net.

The first half is narrated by a man who turns out to be the boy grown up, now a hearing aid salesman. While the boy abandons his box of treasures, as an adult he returns to collecting and documenting abandoned objects as a kind of urban explorer.

The geometry here is stylised in a kind of rough, children's drawing way. I think this could have been pushed further with more complex shaders but it works. For the most part, you're watching as an invisible observer seated on a floating chair. At certain points, the viewpoint is taken inside the boy's ear, or into the tin of treasures, where you can grab the objects and get the boy's brief, poetic description of each one.

I liked this story because it had substance, but left enough up to interpretation to be engaging. By showing the treasures to us with the descriptions we get to understand why they might be significant to the boy. It plays well with the classic anime theme of objects as vessels for emotional significance. I think it would have worked just as well on a flat screen, but I enjoyed my time with it.

Now the rest...

The Age of the Monster had some things going for it, but honestly I think this one shouldn't have been in VR. It's basically a film about how bad we're fucking up the planet, putting us in the house of a man who works in the nuclear industry in the 70s up to a future where the cooling towers lie in ruins. The 'monster' is a giant anthro catfish, seen first as a B-movie monster and dream vision and finally as a real kaiju scale creature in the final future scene.

We're told about the economic circumstances that led to the man getting this job, and his relief at working in nuclear during the oil crisis; we're told about the infamous repressed oil industry report about how climate change is gonna be a thing; we're told about the man's fraught relationship with his radical daughter who is furious about his extractivist ways. Then we get a collapse and humans learn to take the force of nature more seriously, i forget the exact phrasing they used.

The main problem is? These are mostly things you are told, by voiceover. There is some environmental storytelling in the evolution of the house but not enough to convey much without the v/o. the film does not seem to have the confidence in its imagery to show us what it's trying to say.

I feel like the film's vision of the post-collapse future, with flocks of birds flying over a wide river and collapsed overgrown cooling towers, is a huge missed opportunity. Here's an opportunity to apply some true visual imagination of how humans might live in a climate changed future... but nah, giant catfish kaiju just kinda hanging out there.

t

The environmental message is generally a stance I sympathise with, but the film doesn't make a good case for it on a propaganda level. We see the cooling towers outside the window and eventually the house, flooded, but it does little to make the collapse narrative emotionally compelling - and I question a little the choice to make it nuclear focused in a film about climate change. It's probably based on an actual guy, right? Maybe someone's parent? But... despite putting us in his shoes i don't really feel like i understand him very well.

Does this seem harsh? I know full well how involved vr dev is, and even simple things can take weeks. But i also want someone to make the most of this medium. To make something as compelling as the best short films on the main screens.

Gargoyle Doyle tells another 'skipping though time' story, depicting a gargoyle on an 800 year old church from its construction through to demolition. I would compare this one perhaps to a puppet theatre - it certainly stands out in terms of character animation, with Doyle played by Jason Isaacs as a classic grumpy old British theatre guy, his foyle foil a goofy statue of monk acting as a drainpipe with a penchant for puns.

I didn't get to watch this one in full, since I got to sub in for someone who left early (thanks to the volunteer who took pity on me when it was fully booked lol). So I didn't see the full arc of this. What I saw was... definitely edutainment material, but pretty well done. The player is cast as a visitor to a future museum and nature reserve built on the site of the church. It seems like this was originally shown in a real museum in Venice, with the 'in the museum' sections portrayed in mixed reality; obvs this wouldn't work at Annecy so they have these virtual too.

The narrative as a whole seems a tad self congratulatory and pat, with Doyle learning a valuable lesson about not being a cunt to his only friends as he's resurrected in the museum, and it doesn't do a whole lot with the VR framing, but taking it as an educational puppet show, it works pretty well - the voice performances are good and the jokes, while a little predictable, work for the kid-friendly style it's going for. I'm not sure it really needed to be 40 minutes long, but I can see they wanted to go maximalist for a proof of concept like this. It is kinda limited by the rendering capabilities of the Quest, the lack of shadows in particular, and could definitely benefit from some baked lighting given the relatively static scenes, but I give it a lot of credit for the character animation and VA.

Apparently the jury liked this one too because it won the competition!

Nana Lou has been in development a few years apparently, casting the player in the role of a psychopomp spirit whose role is to ease the passing of a woman dying of a stroke. Visually, this is one of the best looking, with elaborate forest scenes and strong environment design.

What I really like about this one is its use, at times, of a diorama-like presentation where the player looks down on tiny characters in a room. This is a concept I've wanted to try in VR for a while, and it's cool to see someone do it.

I found the kind of spiritual aspect of the story a lot more underwhelming. The player is accompanied by two other spirits who explain everything that's going on and point out the significance of all the imagery. The player is informed they have an important role, but they don't have a name and can't talk back, and the only interaction is to grab floating photos to initiate flashbacks.

I wish this film had had the confidence to trust in its acting and visual storytelling. While Nana Lou's life is a bit too lacking in serious conflict to make the premise work, it would still be far more interesting and compelling with the frame story largely trimmed. You could still cast the player as a psychopomp but you don't need to have a greek chorus telling them what to click on!

The actual story concerns Lou's relationship with her daughter, who became estranged when she quit university to raise her child, instead of staying on as Lou thought she should. This caused them to spend decades estranged. Finding out this story frees up the daughter's spirit as well, and the penultimate scene has her speak to Lou and make up.

There's definitely something to work with there, but the main delivery mechanism is rather ponderous narration triggered by interacting with objects, with the dramatic scenes largely having taken place off screen. Like The Age of the Monster, it suffers a severe telling-not-showing problem.

It's a shame because there are nice touches here. When you are beside Lou's bed in the hospital, your touch leaves a glow effect which is very evocative. The acting is solid, though the script undermines it a bit.

I don't think narration is evil - evidently, Yuri and I used it in our film, it's a very efficient way to convey information - but I do think it requires a lot of thought put into style and rhythm.

Spots of Light... ok. This one tells the story of an Israeli soldier who lost his sight in the Lebanon war, and later regained it temporarily through surgery. Given my general feelings about the Israeli military (presently carrying out a genocide), I was definitely not disposed to like this one. Nevertheless, it was the only one free so I decided to give it a shot.

This is one of those films where you interview someone and then put an animation to it. So this guy tells you what it was like to be blind and then not blind to see his family briefly, and it's illustrated with various images. And (if i remember right) some parts are on tvs showing video (and if you're using vr to embed a flat screen what is even the point??). When he's blind, everything disappears except vague outlines suggested by small points of light.

Ultimately this is a film about blindness, not the war (of course, meaning this is a person who could leave the war behind - though not to make light of the cruelty of conscription). Making a film about the experience of blindness in a purely visual medium is a choice all right, and I don't feel like this film expressed anything unexpected about it - he was sad to lose his sight, glad to see his family, depressed to lose it again but ultimately at peace. Which is conveyed, of course, primarily by narration.

So yeah this one didn't do much for me!

Stay Alive My Son, now. Agh. This one was... this one was a mess.

So this one is about the Cambodian genocide, right. It's based on a memoir by a survivor of the genocide, Pin Yathay, who became separated from his wife and son while fleeing the Khmer Rouge.

The way this is presented is essentially a walking simulator that takes you through a dungeon-like environment full of skeletons. Every so often you encounter 3D films - filmed with some kind of depth camera - showing actors playing out scenes from the life of the family. There is also a frame story where you visit Pin Yathay in his modern day house, where he sees a digital reconstruction of how his son might look as an adult

This one is difficult to review because it was severely marred by technical issues with the spatial audio, which caused the sound to cut out when you turned your head the wrong way or moved it to the wrong place. It would probably be less of a rough experience if the audio worked as intended. Nevertheless, I have plenty of reservations with the way the story is told as well.

It seems the director of the VR experience (fine! I'll write experience, there isn't a better noun for this kind of thing that sits between game and film) met Pin Yathay, there's video of her speaking to him at the end, but he had pretty minimal creative input beyond providing inspiration through his memoir. So this is a Greek/US interpretation of the Cambodian genocide. The narrative it tells is basically: Yathay and his family are living a pretty idyllic life, then the Khmer Rouge happens, seemingly not for any particular reason. Yathay and his family are evacuated and then put to hard labour growing rice; eventually, their son is put to work too, so fearing for his life, they flee into the jungle.

The Cambodian genocide is - obviously! - one of the worst atrocities of the whole bloody 20th century, and the circumstances surrounding it are worth reading about (though pretty unremittingly bleak). But you won't learn much about, say, cold war geopolitical alignment, Prince Sihanouk, the absolutely horrific civil war, the different ideologies in play in the Marxist milieu that influenced Pol Pot, or the spillover from Vietnam and the massive bombing by the Americans here which helped put the Khmer Rouge in power. You definitely won't learn much about the Cambodia that existed before the war. Instead, you're mostly traversing a dungeon that could come from any horror game, shining your torch on the things you're told to in order to unlock another segment of narration from (the actor playing) Yathay. It is, in pretty literal terms, a tour of atrocities.

Unfortunately the '3D film of actors' conceit doesn't really work because... even audio issues aside, the acting is pretty unconvincing. For some reason - perhaps that subtitles are tricky in VR - the dialogue is in accented English rather than Cambodian, and it's pretty quickly evident that they just have one guy in the role of 'Khmer Rouge soldier' and the lines he's given are kinda awkward. The horror game aesthetics of the environments and the amateur actors and costumes all clash pretty badly. The 3D filming is also kind of jank, only really working if you're fairly close to the camera position, so you aren't really free to move too far even if the audio didn't crap out.

The basic feelings it's trying to explore - the horror of living through a genocide, separation from a child, guilt for abandoning him, not knowing if he's alive or dead - is definitely worth depicting, but honestly this would have been far far better expressed as a 10-20 minute film than a slow 55 minute VR walking sim. The more abstract bits toward the end with paper plane imagery and a Buddhist temple (where you have to put a block in a slot to unlock a door) also feel too jank and videogamey to really have much impact, though by that point I had been wrestling with the audio for nearly an hour so I wasn't in the most receptive mood.

But all the execution flaws aside, that leaves the question of what even is the right way to portray a genocide artistically? This approach is very abstract, reducing the events to dislocated symbols - propaganda posters, the tree against which children were dashed - which perhaps might reflect how fragmented memory becomes, but seems to be wasting the potential of VR to establish you in a place. But then, I guess rice fields are harder to render than enclosed dark rooms.

Speaking of rendering, this was PCVR, so your torch casts shadows and it has other features that would be hard on realtime. But the lack of ambient light and general harshness of the materials adds to the 'horror game' feel.

There is something here about how genocides become associated with certain images. For Cambodia, it is primarily phrases like 'killing fields' and the stacked skulls in the genocide memorials such as Choeung Ek - few people know the name of the memorial in the west, but I think everyone who's heard of the genocide has seen the big stack of skulls. I imagine this is what all the skeletons in this experience are supposed to call to mind: they're representatives of the many ways people died. The problem that this kind of environmental storytelling has long ago been made kind of camp by videogames. A photo of a stack of real skeletons still has power to disturb, but less so a low poly 3D skeleton.

Should it have tried for a realism? The idea of trying to realistically simulate the experience of living in Cambodia though the genocide is kind of ghoulish, and I'm glad they didn't take that approach. But the 'tour of images' approach falls flat. I think The Most Precious of Cargoes elsewhere in the festival makes a stronger case for how to approach a topic like a genocide in a consciously constructed way, but it also has the ability to be in dialogue with a lot of other films made about the Holocaust. There is less in English about the Cambodian genocide - the viewer can't even be assumed to know what happened.

Overall, I think it would be possible to make a much stronger film about the genocide in Cambodia. But I'm not sure what that film would look like. I did learn one thing from this story, which is that there is a reality show in Cambodia which shows survivors of the genocide being reunited with their families. Not much is made of this here, it's something of a background detail. What would it be like to grow up in the shadow of an event like that? I wish the film had been willing to portray more of modern Cambodia - and I hope at some point someone in Cambodia will have a film at this festival, in VR or not, which can talk about it all from the first person.

Is there a good way to try to answer the curiosity of people who live safely in rich countries about what it is like to go through an actual genocide... using a Meta Quest 2 VR headset that costs a few hundred quid? I don't really know, but this film could have done with being a bit more reflective, I feel. So it goes.

the others

there were three films I couldn't see - The Imaginary Friend, Oto's Planet and Emperor. If I get some other chance to try them I'll write about them too!

Overall I felt a bit disappointed with the VR this year, but also I kind of want to put my money where my mouth is and try my hand at making this kind of thing. I do have the technical knowledge at least!

If you read all this, thank you.

[uncanny-tranny]

The Cass Review coming out and the media frenzy surrounding it makes it feel like the world is falling apart around us. I'm very fortunate to live outside the UK at the moment, but my heart goes out to the trans people that are facing these current circumstances. It feels like the US will follow soon, and the rug will be pulled out from under us at any point.

How do we survive? How do I know if my friends will be okay? What if I fully transition just to be persecuted for the rest of my life? What will happen to us?

It's terrifying out here right now - if you have any advice on how you handle any of it, it would be greatly appreciated.

- a young trans person

I think so much of this relies on community support - you won't be alone in this, so you shouldn't live life alone in this. Regardless of potential intracommunity bickering, regardless of if we perfectly get along, no matter if someone passes or not, or has a complex identity or not, we all are affected by transphobia. We have to be in it together, to fight and support together.

Nobody knows, truly, what the next few years or decades are in store for us so, frankly, I think we invest as much as possible for the future, but also try to live. You don't just deserve to survive, you deserve to thrive. So whatever you do, I hope you're able to pause for even the briefest of moments. I hope you eat well, I hope you smile genuinely, I hope you laugh, I hope you dance. Fear and stress will literally kill you. I know for me, the stress I felt pre-transition absolutely would have killed me eventually - I don't wish that on anyone. It's absolutely reasonable to be scared about the future, I'm not saying it's not, but what I am saying is that you deserve a break. You deserve hope.

From a (perhaps slightly) older trans person: It can absolutely get better. Those tiny glimmers of hope that you cling to like diamonds won't be so few and far between. That sounds like absolute bullshit when you're on the receiving end of this, and I know that because I've been in that position, but something else that helps me through those "negative" feelings is this:

We survive. We have always survived. We have lost an unconscionable amount of people, but they won't be forgotten. No matter what happens, we keep surviving. The world cannot leave us behind without leaving behind swaths of humanity because we belong in the fabric of society. And something about that reassures me, because it is a reminder that we have existed and will continue to exist. And that means that we will outlive the hatred.

You're going to survive with us. In fact, I think you can thrive and not just survive, and I think that's something that doesn't happen in spite of the 'phobes, but rather it happens because you are an inherent equal person who is entitled to happiness.

[furiousgoldfish]

As a kid, I used to believe that everyone had it worse than me, and it wasn't a self-imposed point of view. I was informed on a regular basis that I was lucky and had no idea how horrid life was for everyone else. I also was told how nothing good in life can come without the person paying for it dearly, or without the equal amount of suffering for it. So I always assumed, if I saw someone having it better very obviously, that there was a hidden amount of suffering I knew nothing about, and that would break me. And that I was luckier without that thing. And without knowing with what kind of pain it was paid for.

It was a while after escaping, that I started realizing that not only people don't have it worse by a large margin, but also that most people who have something I couldn't imagine, had it without any pain or sacrifice, but as their birthright. Family, for example. Friends. Human rights. Healthy childhood. Pets that are not used against you. Peers that don't bully, use or take advantage of you. Safety. Money they got from their parents as children, without having to work under horrible circumstances, that they weren't made to feel guilty for getting. And later, being able to work, being able to live pain-free, being able to live without having nightmares, flashbacks, and body that doesn't work. Most of what I've believed was a lie. There was a world of people who had things I couldn't dream of, who weren't hurt for it, who sacrificed nothing. Who could take it for granted.

It made me feel dreadful, the knowledge of just how disadvantaged, and naive I was. I didn't want to know that I had all of those things taken from me, that I was lied to and had everything I should have had scammed away, while believing that it was the only way. I didn't want this. I didn't feel strong for surviving without everything. I felt empty, robbed, helpless. Stupid.

And once I started noticing, everything became triggering. Seeing people use resources given to them carelessly, seeing them having people to rely on and people who will defend them, made me hyper aware of everything I don't have. Seeing people gently playing with their children would make me feel at ease for a second, because there was the relief that nobody needed to abuse their kids, and then later, I would break down just thinking how much it would mean to me if I had even a tiny little bit of that. If I had gotten one percent of that assurance, attention and gentleness, how it would have changed my entire life. It became unbearable. People became unbearable once the gap between me and them was visible.

So it became easier to be alone. If I don't see people having it easier, I can pretend that what I'm going thru is normal, and it's calmer that way. It makes socializing difficult, but being aware of how othered and different you are, is also difficult.

None of it was something I did to myself, or a result of any of my actions. I've been put into this situation without any way out of it. I know this when I'm alone, I understand I'm like this because of what was done to me, against my will. When I couldn't fight it, or didn't even know how to. I'm not responsible for this. But I do have to live with the consequences. And some of them are not fixable.

[majorbaby]

The minute I cut that rope they made me a soldier. MASH Season 11, Episode 6 — Bombshells

I used to post practically every week about s11e06 Bombshells because it's my favourite BJ episode and the one I find most fascinating, because BJ seems to frequently think that it's BJ against the world, and Bombshells is a rare example where I think this is narratively true. At last, here are my lengthy but decently articulated thoughts about this Very Special Episode (to me!).

BJ has this "lone wolf" view of himself because he either imagines he has nothing in common with the people around him and therefore it's hard for him to relate to them, or he actually has a hard time relating.

Aside from Potter, who is hardly his peer, and Frank who is The Worst and also leaves two seasons into BJ's run, BJ is the only main cast member who has a wife and/or child waiting for him at home. He's in a different stage of his life than anyone else, and he lashes out at Hawkeye and Margaret at different points claiming specifically that they can't possibly understand what he's going through by being in Korea, away from his family. But for a few differences in their personalities, their world views, and I suspect their class backgrounds (though the latter two are open to interpretation), Trapper might be the character whose civilian life and role on the home front most closely resembled BJ's, and they should kiss about that tbh.

Relatability is important to BJ. We see that through the tension created when he feels his friends 'can't relate' to what he's going through to the point that he gets upset if they try to tell him they understand how he feels. We also see this through how he bonds to people from similar walks of life, for example, the patient in Death Takes a Holiday. Some of this is just normal human behaviour. It makes sense that BJ would relate better to people who share the same values as him, and a wife and children are symbols of those values. Of course, that doesn't mean we can't or shouldn't connect with people who have different lifestyles with us. BJ obviously does do that, although he doesn't stop wanting relatability and that can make things rocky for everyone involved. What I'm trying to say is, BJ isn't as alone as he seems to feel he is. In fact, it's kind of funny how not-alone he is, sharing a tiny tent with Charles and Hawkeye, which naturally causes tension between the three of them. And the fact that he relies very heavily on Hawkeye's support throughout the show.

But in Bombshells, he's really, properly alone. Early in the episode, he'd been giddy to get away from the camp and everyone in it to spend a day by himself, fishing peacefully. Then the most harrowing thing to ever happen to him onscreen happens, and Hawkeye isn't there, as he so often is, to shoulder it with him. All BJ has is a total stranger who gives him an impossible task that goes against pretty well everything BJ believes in, to a fault. A doctor forced to cause someone's death - imo, I think this moment is equally as traumatizing for BJ as Hawkeye's moment on the bus in Goodbye, Farewell and Amen. BJ, who couldn't get on board with Hawkeye's plan to do a medically unnecessarily surgery in Preventative Medicine — even if it meant they had a chance to prevent the further injury or deaths of dozens of patients — is forced to cut a man's life line. It's a devastating moment and I have a lot of sympathy for him.

I know BJ well enough at this point that I don't expect him to voluntarily reach out to anyone for help, but interestingly, his isolation is even mirrored by the B-plot. We get an unusual Hawkeye-Charles team-up, where they run a scam reminiscent of the ones Hawkeye and Trapper used to pull, duping the whole camp for funsies. It's not just that normally HawkBeej are the unit to Charles' lone-wolf, it's that Charles and BJ's roles are reversed here even in the tone the plots take: CharlesHawk are doing something frivolous together, while BJ pursues a serious plot - now it's possible my memory may be failing me, but I can't think of another episode that replicates this formula. One specific example of these plots playing off one another as the A/B plots regularly do on MASH: BJ makes a phone call to try to figure out if the man whose line he cut might've survived, while Hawkeye and Charles make a phone call to see if they can contact Marilyn Monroe, the star of their scam.

In typical BJ fashion, when Potter tries to ask if everything's okay, BJ pulls away and acts like everything is fine, but this time it's because he has a plan and he wants to see it through on his own, rather than just sit by himself feeling powerless. He even tells Potter he'd like to try another fishing trip — trying to catch the one he'd cut loose the day before. He does all of this on his own checking beds, asks around, flings open the doors of the ambulance trying to see who's inside — but the fact that these scenes are interspersed with the B-plot, this would make an interesting montage, which is the thought that inspired the gifset I made. It matters less to me why he's doing it and more that it's a rare instance of him doing it on his own.

If he thinks that's because no one can help him, the episode doesn't really argue with his assumption. Hawkeye can tell that something is off, but despite his efforts, BJ keeps himself out of reach. I do not like the position the narrative takes at the end, when BJ tells Hawkeye that they, as surgeons think they're "self-righteous" and better for thumbing their noses at the estabilshment - I think that's a pretty dishonest way to characterize everyone at the 4077th including BJ and an straight example of MASH's unfortunately centrist leanings in the later years.

But despite my problems with that messaging, I still like this episode for it being about BJ and his resolve, detached from those around him and detached from the other big part of the BJ character - his family. All the other big BJ episodes - Period of Adjustment, War Correspondent, Death Takes a Holiday - feature his personal relationships in a big way that drives the plot. Bombshells is an episode that promotes BJ to protagonist, demoting other characters who might otherwise play a role in the drama.

This is most striking to me when even Hawkeye is unable to reach BJ and plays no role in the resolution of the A-plot. He sympathizes with BJ and tries to comfort him with "Well you didn't have a lot of options" - that may be compassion from Hawkeye, but I think it probably sounds dismissive to BJ, and that puts them in an odd role-reversal: BJ in crisis, and everything Hawkeye says is cold comfort to him. Finally, Hawkeye resigns himself to the feeling that he can't help BJ with this and so he leaves when Margaret comes to get him.

I'm not especially fond of the way BJ resolves the plot by giving away his medal and is then shown to be somewhat at peace with that, not because I fault BJ for it, but because I take issue with the broader practice and so does the show on many an occasion. What's important to me is that BJ also does that completely on his own — tie-up the plot.

I could probably go on about how much I disagree with the messaging of this episode, how much I detest the show taking a shot at it's own formerly anti-establishment beat and how that actually does the BJ character a disservice, but I'm not going to here because it's not as important to me as the unique format of this episode.

Bomshells is no s04e19 Hawkeye, but I really appreciate having so much textual stuff to chew on for BJ, rather than having me sit here and try to interpret the inconsistent writing that the writers admitted to for BJ, or Mike Farrell's acting directions. You could say this about a lot of characters, but BJ really deserved to be given the opportunity to stand on his own two feet more often.

[showrunnerihardlyknowher]

Any advice on how to write overprotective giants or other large monstrosities? How do I make them strongly morally gray, know when to limit the dehumanization and adoration of tiny person of interest, and how the giant seems to believe they are in the right with detaining a tiny person? Asking for a friend! Definitely not me, a lurker questioning if I should start writing on tumblr or any other writing websites....

Ooooh, fun!!

It definitely all boils down to what your giant views their brand new tiny as and whether or not they can understand each other. You can take Edix and Jacob, for example, where Edix solely sees Jacob as a pet which is heightened by the fact Jacob cannot verbally stand up for himself to disprove that. Of course Edix loves him and would never intentionally hurt him, but that love is only as strong as that for a puppy at best. It's pure adoration at the cost of being a plaything and because Edix assumes that Jacob is so weak and helpless, he fully believes he's in the right to do whatever he feels is necessary to protect him.

Comparatively, you have Ben and Milo, who can perfectly understand each other and have a tentative parent-child relationship. The problem is that Ben doesn't know how to be a legit parent, especially to something so small and foreign to him, so he has to rely on what he knows as an exterminator to keep Milo safe (trapping and caging). He's not trying to be cruel on purpose or upset him, but he can only use what limited knowledge he has at his disposal until Elysie can put him on the right track. In that case, the dehumanization can't really be helped, but Ben still recognizes it for what it is and feels guilty all the while.

Then you have someone like Taiyo who is more morally grey. His mission is to destroy all the parasites festering on Earth, which will in turn save humanity, but if humans also happen to get caught in the crossfire of a fight, well...oh well. He doesn't go out of his way to hurt them, but he's not too pressed if they are, and the only human he actively protects is Kumiko for his own personal reasons. He respects her boundaries for the most part, but that doesn't stop him from grabbing her, moving her, or shielding her when she's in immediate danger, despite what she might protest. That's an example of balanced adoration and dehumanizing, in which he'll give her some of the space she asks for to keep her content, but he'll be damned if he ever lets her try to hold her ground even though she's more than capable of doing so.

All in all, it really depends on how the tiny is first viewed by the giant. A pet, a toy, a friend in need, a crush at first sight? What kind of love are they blinded by that would make their morally grey views shift in favor of keeping this tiny from harm, and is there any real harm to begin with? Do they think the tiny needs defending simply because they small and weak in comparison to the giant, or is it because they're young, or injured, or recently defenseless?

Can the tiny ever sway their opinions that they don't need to be coddled either by telling them or showing with their actions, or will there always be some reason that the giant won't budge on despite conceding on other points? Does the giant feel guilty for their behavior, are they able to imagine themself in the tiny's shoes and knowing they'd also detest the same kind of treatment, or is it still a necessary evil in the grand scheme of things? Are they worried for the tiny's safety, or are they just possessive and want them all to themself?

If the tiny is deemed a pet or a toy, the giant probably isn't going to care much, maybe even joke about how much tiny puts up a fight despite living a new life of snuggled, babied luxury. If the tiny is something of a platonic or romantic interest, the giant might be more willing to meet them halfway on some treatments, even if they can never fully give in on leaving them totally alone in fear or something happening.

[nothingenoughao3]

Hello, I read your fic Dreams in the Necromancer House and just wanted to say I'm really enjoying it. The images are so vivid, I don't know how you do it. And so I was wondering if I could ask where did you get your inspiration from. As in, if you add references about certain books or history or traditions where do you find them? Wikipedia? I'm just curious about how to do research. Specifically the tag that says Lovecraftian cults, tbh I have no clue about the H.P.Lovecraft universe. I just think it's really interesting.

Also, I am probably going to read it again because I'm sure I've missed out on some details. Anyways, have a nice day.

Hey, thank you for the thoughtful ask! This is the sort of question writers dream about receiving.

Here is the not-so-secret and not-so-glamorous process for how I compile references for my works (not just this one--this L4D2 series took a LOT of research, and so did that one SuperBat fic).

For me, the earliest creative process is kaleidoscopic: I'll have multiple scenes that don't seem like they all fit together spinning around in my head, and "the plot" is what happens when I try to make them all line up and become one coherent thing. Usually, there are the Scenes Of Pure Inspiration which arrive out of nowhere, followed by the Scenes Of Pure Necessity that have to happen to support the Pure Inspiration, and then one or two Scenes Of Damn Wouldn't That Be Cool that come up as I play different scenarios out in my head. Once it's over, I'll probably discuss the Scenes Of Pure Inspiration from "Dreams" more in detail.

Then I start doing outlines. Yes, I construct outlines for my fanfics, just as I do for my original works. There are far too many tiny moving parts in a story for them not to be contained in an outline--even if you move them to a different spot later, the damn things'll get lost in the sofa cushions if you don't keep them in a container of some kind. (I hope this metaphor hasn't gotten away from me.)

Dreams has three outlines--the one I wrote while still generating ideas, the one I wrote to establish timelines more firmly, and then an annotated one that has all the references I've sprinkled throughout the story. So I do consider this to be a vital part of the process. There will be a fourth notation file I generate when I do my final editing pass after it's all published, too! That one will cover me stating stuff about character histories and little story details, so that (for an example that really happened) I don't have Armitage giving a flask of whiskey to Herbert which later turns into a flask of Everclear.

Now where does the research bit come in? For me, when I do my extremely-detailed outline or when I start writing.

For details regarding history, science, politics, and the like, I generally rely on Googling, same as anyone else (excluding results after the year 2021 if I'm not finding what I need). Better than this, though, is books. I used to collect books that were writers' references--one of my favorites was a guide to poisons, both "the most likely poisons used in a murder mystery" AND "how to design your own poison/toxin/venom". Also guidebooks for TTRPGs, sacred texts, gardening guides, etc. I currently have a book series called "The Home Doctor" that teaches you how to do baseline veterinary and human medicine (according to the early 1900s). I don't have that because I plan on using it for its intended purpose, but I did use it to research a L4D2 fic where someone's leg gets amputated--and I even had the characters in the fic owning those same books!

What really matters for a story like Dreams, though, is thematic feel. I think folks will forgive me if I were to mention a musical band that didn't exist in 1987/8, but far less so if I didn't nail the feel of 1987/8, or of cosmic horror. So while I am writing a story, I immerse not only in the source material (if it's a fanfic), but also in music, movies, books, comics, and etc. that "feel right". I'll draw off those media for further inspiration, because let's face it, creativity is knowing what to steal and how to steal it. (I didn't say that--Tarantino did.)

The key here is that I don't stop interacting with research and creative works when I'm not writing. I'll flip through my books or go down a rabbit hole of "what the hell is THAT scientific concept about" or learn about magical rituals every day that I can. If the compilation of research material looks easy or fast when I do it, it's because I'm always doing it and I know how to narrow it down!

For Dreams, I could go "Oh, here's a list of all the stories and movies and etc. I want to build off of" because I already had all of those things in my mental wheelhouses. If you wanted it, here is a specific list of the actual non-Lovecraftian works that thematically support and inspire Dreams in the Necromancer House:

Prince of Darkness (1987)+

Hereditary (2018)*

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals (2019)

Stir of Echoes (1999)

Mandy (2018)

Skeleton Crew, Nightmares and Dreamscapes, and Everything's Eventual by Stephen King: specifically, "Nona", "1408", "Mrs. Todd's Shortcut", "Gramma"+, "Autopsy Room Four", and "That Feeling, You Can Only Say What It Is In French"

Black Butterflies and Heatseeker by John Shirley: specifically "Cram", "Tahiti In Terms of Squares", "The Almost Empty Rooms", "Woodgrains"

The King in Yellow by Robert Chalmers

Twin Peaks

Music: "We Will Commit Wolf Murder" by of Montreal, "Leather Jacket" by Ben Folds Five, "It Must Have Been Love" by Roxette, "Over & Over" by Rio Romeo, "No One's Around To Help" by JerryTerry

The Arkham Horror board game

"The Mysterious Stranger/An Angel Named Satan" from The Adventures of Mark Twain

And since you were asking about Lovecraft's universe, here are the stories that went into this particular tale. All of his stuff is treated as being in the public domain, so you can easily find it on sites like Project Gutenberg or wikis:

"The Case of Charles Dexter Ward"+

"The Thing on the Doorstep"+

"The Dunwich Horror"+

"The Colour Out of Space", as well as the film adaptation Color Out of Space (2019)

"Pickman's Model"

"The Call of Cthulhu"*

"The Shadow Over Innsmouth"*

And of course, "Dreams in the Witch-House"+

The ones marked with an * are the most detailed stories regarding what I mean by "Lovecraftian cults", and the ones with a + are good demonstrations of wizardry/magic systems that supported this work.

[easy-revenge]

Well, now I'm curious. Why do you think Angel had deeper feelings for Aki? Go crazy

ahahah ur wish is my command ~

now bear with me a lot of this relies on things that are up to interpretation so brace urselves for me reaching and being maybe a tiny bit delusional thanks

so, i will deliberately not talk about the very popular moments that akiangel has, i can do a separate post about them at some point, but i want to focus specifically on angel.

meaning: scenes where their feelings and actions are reciprocated like saving each other, helping each other live longer etc will not be mentioned in this post.

lets take this chronologically:

- bomb devil arc

angel is the personification of duality. we know he exists as an oxymoron. from his name all the way to his personality.

this for me is the core of what i think angel is as a character. however i wont get into analysing angel's whole internal conflict rn.

(i have a post talking about angel's feelings, the grief and remorse he must feel with no recollection of what brought them on. I'll talk about that in depth some other time bc even though it plays into this part, we'll stray from the subject. i thought it was worth mentioning briefly though)

that's not what i wanted to talk about in this scene. i want to focus on the second part, which happened after reze's death.

in that scene, makima had ordered angel to bring aki with him to the scene. angel disregarded that order and came alone, which led to makima "accusing" him of being kind for sparing aki from the task of killing a girl. angel replies to this with "i am an angel after all".

what gets me the most about this beautiful scene is that as we now know, makima is the control devil. her word is law. even when she's not actively making ppl obey her will, we know her commanding aura makes it difficult for anyone to stray from her orders. despite that, here is angel, casually going against a direct order to keep aki from doing sth he doesn't want to do.

this might not seem like much, but follow my thought process here.

the infamous scene. contrary to popular belief, im here to talk about the first picture rather than the later two.

the moment between aki letting go of angel's shirt and grabbing his hand, angel gets a flash of the human he was in love with before makima found him.

i used to believe he got that flash bc he thought he was finally approaching his own death (still a valid interpretation), however here rolls a very popular theory about makima's power.

we know who she can control has to do with status, who views her as superior and whatnot. however, at the very end of part 1, we have power breaking her control as she thinks about her moments with denji. in that scene, power is still afraid of makima, so why is makima unable to take control of her?

a lot of ppl have interpreted this as a "weakness" to makima's power. more specifically, that strong feelings have the power to break her control over someone, at least briefly.

rolling with this, we can assume this is what happened with angel in this scene. for just a second he gets to access the memories that makima has locked away. the next question is, what are his strong feelings about in that moment?

we know that angel isn't afraid of death, he's been waiting for it. taking that into consideration, I don't think it was the feelings about his impending death that made makima's hold on him loosen.

i think it was aki. being saved. being cared for. being cared for so unconditionally, by someone who doesn't have two months of his life to spare. by someone who by all means should not care about angel at all.

immediately afterwards, angel is held. held protectively over a chest, against a storm. we don't know how long it's been since angel has been in a situation similar to this but we can assume it's been a long time.

in my potentially delusional opinion, that feels powerful enough to shake makima's control even for a moment.

you might have guessed where im heading with all this.

- gun devil arc:

here. in this very scene. we see the shock on angel's face as aki gives himself up. the horror of what it can mean, the trigger of memory of what it had meant for him in the past.

in this scene, angel regains all the memories makima took from him, without her permission.

makima doesn't seem swayed by this, but she does comment on it, indicating it wasn't her doing at all.

following my previous logic, strong emotions is once again what pushes makima out of angel's head. this time, quite literally kicks her out. even for a little while.

considering makima's power, how easily she takes complete control of him right after anyway, we can only imagine how strongly angel felt about aki losing himself to her in that moment.

now it's up to anyone to interpret this as whatever they want. it's up to anyone to call me crazy and completely disregard this whole thing since it's thriving on subtext and theory along with analysis powered by hyperfixation.

i personally cannot shake the feeling that there are at least romantic undertones here. there are so many akiangel scenes i didn't talk about in this post, so many very blatant hints that akiangel's bond was never friendship. there was tension from start to finish and there's no other explanation for it.

as for angel specifically, since this post is about his feelings, we know he's been in love before. with a human nonetheless. we know he has the capacity for it. I don't think im reaching to think that caring so deeply and wholeheartedly for a human again could mirror these feelings.

i dont think its too unlikely for him to be in love again. but that's just me.

i was asked to go crazy and crazy i went lmao. my asks are open for more prompts for me to analyze. i have sm more to talk about if anyone wants to hear it.

thanks for the opportunity to get this off my chest heheh <3

[performativezippers]

have you ever read the His Dark Materials series? if so, what daemons do you think the ncis hawaii team would have?

oh my goodness great question. (a) have been obsessed with His Dark Materials since i was approximately eight years old, and (b) let me think about this.

Jesse's I think would be a dog. Like a big, 70-80 pound mutt that might look a little intimidating but is really a big ole baby who sleeps in the bed and loves to cuddle. She could tear the shit out of someone though, and would, and does, if she needs to. She's often found napping in a pile with Jesse's kids and their daemons, and she's be the first to break the don't-touch-other-people rule if another member of the team is hurt.

Kai's, I'm thinking a bird. Maybe a small hawk or falcon. One that could enjoy soaring in the air when he's at sea, perch on his surfboard when he's waiting to catch a wave, chirps incessantly when hungry and then eats fastidiously--not a single entrail left behind--and then grooms Kai's hair in thanks. She's a surprisingly cuddly bird, and anyone who knows them very, very well knows that when Kai is upset, she'll open a wing for him to rest his head against her chest, or will climb into his lap to doze against him. She loves having her chest feathers scratched (by him ONLY) and she can come out of fucking nowhere to scratch, claw out the eyes, or knock bad guys out with stooping rakes or punches to defend Kai. She has a truly bloodthirsty shriek. She and Lucy have a great affinity for each other and she loves to tease Kai.

Ernie's is maybe a small lemur, some kind of small monkey with big eyes that's too smart for her own good. She's always getting into trouble, poking her round little head where it doesn't belong and bringing back all kinds of gossip and government secrets. Ernie, in comparison, is a paragon of restraint. She's a trickster, the kind of person who would text Lucy and Kate "from Ernie" to get them to end up a bar alone together and would have absolutely zero remorse for it. She's not super cuddly, but she does love sitting right in front of Ernie on his desk when he games or hacks, watching with her little jaw a little bit open.

Jane's is a raven. Enormous, smart as a whip, sarcastic. Independent but fiercely loyal, totally black sense of humor. He counterbalances all of Jane's ernest, caring mom energy with sarcastic gay uncle energy. He's a great scout with an eidetic memory—he can repeat full conversations between multiple people even weeks later. He likes to entertain Jane and her kids and the team by replaying conversations complete with eerily accurate impressions of each voice. He's a brilliant strategist and loves a good fight. His beak and talons are no joke, and he laughs whenever Kai's daemon acts like she's the better fighter between the two of them.

Lucy's is a panther. She's not as big as an animal panther, but she's still fucking big. She can fold herself up pretty small into a ball of cat, or keep her head ducked down so she looks smaller than she is, but piss her off or watch her stretch, and damn! That cat is fucking big. She's stealthy and quiet when she needs to be, but her comfortable, natural state is quite chatty. The joke is that people are like "oh tiny cop, has to rely on her big ass daemon to protect her" and Saffiyah is like "lol," literally yawns, lays down, and closes her eyes when Lucy's fighting. It's all a performance—she'd jump up and rip the leg off a human being if she needed to—but she knows exactly how much Lucy can handle and she doesn't so much as twitch her tail until it gets to that point. That's even scarier for the dudes Lucy's fighting, that the tiny lady is taking on these dudes AND their daemons, and her fucking apex predator is just napping nearby. It's totally psychological warfare, and Saffiyah fucking loves it. She's less cuddly than you'd think, only Ernie and later Kate really ever seeing the extent to which she curls around Lucy and offers soft, fluffy, wordless comfort.

Kate's is the only daemon not suited for combat. Hers is a ferret, a small one. He can curl into a ball that almost fits in one hand. He's often found in her pocket or purse, or, when she's alone, draped across her neck. He's very quiet, doesn't say much, and a hidden camera would see him often staring into Kate's eyes with overflowing love. Kate's emotional walls are always up, but not between her and him. He tries to give her everything she won't let the rest of the world give her. He's surprisingly opinionated and has meticulously high standards. He doesn't have much of a sense of humor, but he's steady and warm to Kate. Most other people don't even see him—he's such a softness, so revealing of a part of Kate that she outwardly pretends doesn't exist, that Kate usually keeps him tucked away. He hates Cara, likes Jane, quietly giggles at Jesse and Kai's daemons, and he, in a way that's extremely out of character, absolutely loves Lucy. He doesn't let Lucy touch him for a long time, not until a few months after the grand gesture, but even before Cara ruins shit, he will sometimes curl up into a small ball of ferret on top of Saffiyah's back.

Bam Bam's is a snake.