#i just got new insurance for the new year so im gonna try getting that t gel prescription filled again

[lavenderedhoney]

Still wanting asks about taking t for an androgynous look? :3 if not just ignore me lol :3

I have been off and on T for a little over a year, and I've had a great experience! I wanted T for a long time but wasn't sure about it. But I got on it for different medical reasons and WOO I love it so much! I do injections, a 0.25ml dose (considered a smaller dose, like a starting dose or half dose).

I've got a couple dozen adorable chin hairs and a pale little fwuffy mustache thing going on (irrelevant to public presentation bc I always wear a mask) and my legs and thighs and butt cheeks have gotten adorably fluffier! My nipples have WAY better sensations during sex? Previously I didn't really even like them touched but now it's great. Unsure if they're more sensitive or less sensitive or just different, so I have no idea how it might change for other people. Oh!! AND t has made my whole boobs kinda...smaller??? Different density? They're different for sure. I can look semi-flat with a hoodie, and it's almost flatter looking without a bra underneath. A tight shirt under a jacket looks very androgynous, tho you can still see the shape of boobies because mine are medium/large sized. But I get gendered as a man and a woman looking like that so :3 idk what cis ppl see lol

The tdick is my favorite part!!! I literally can't even remember what it looked like before, my brain just kinda yeeted that information. I'm so in love with the tdick. Its been growing slowly but steadily this whole time. The first couple weeks had a LOT of growth, and then it's just been sliiiiiiightly changing a little more ever since. First it was mostly a change in sensitivity, but recently it's changed how pressure feels, and specifically feels better being stroked. It's definitely a little less sensitive, but in a good way? Pre-T, it was easy to feel like "okay that's too much sensory, it's unpleasant now," but I dont experience overwhelming sensations much (and when i do, its always specifically on the head, so i can just adjust how the hood/foreskin is positioned to fix it! It's neat!) so it's a welcome change for me! Its been fun to notice it change more and more! And of course it's gotten bigger. I think it's probably a great size to use for oral penetration but I haven't gotten to test that out lol. It seems like it tends to have a little growth spurt when I happen to stop and then restart t (usually bc Pharmacy Issues)? Unsure if that's just my imagination.

But yeah! The changes have been very slow but steady, and I've had lots of time to ponder how I feel about all of it and make sure I'm enjoying all the changes. And I do enjoy them all! I wasn't sure about some of them; but my feelings are very warm and giddy whenever I notice a new change.

I do worry about like, presenting in public. I get gendered as a man and a woman pretty regularly. Has it caused any issues? Well, maybe, but not much more than pre-T. My voice is still in a "gets seen as a woman" range but it has the *loveliest* velvety tone when I talk in a lower voice. I've gotten a surprising number of compliments on it! But as for visual presentation, I am very much in an Androgynous Range. I can do the transmasc-hoodie-and-shorts, pitch my voice lower, and pass as a guy (or sometimes strangers mistake me for a teenage boy which can be frustrating). But I can also pass a woman if I want, especially with a more feminine shirt or just by shifting my voice into the High Pitched Customer Service Range lol (though I also get mistaken for a teenage girl. Idk. I just have a younger looking face I guess) My curves have gotten smaller (hips, boobs, etc) which I THOUGHT I'd be sad about--but rather than feeling like I "lost" an attractive part of myself, i just feel like i swapped it for a different, equally attractive form 🥰

I hope this provides some of the data you were looking for, and thanks for the opportunity to ramble about my specific experience on HRT! I check this blog every so often (cos it's super cute) so if you wanted to ask any questions, id probably eventually see it!

Anyways have a good day!

-a nonbiney soft butch creature anon 💜🌸

Thank you thank you!! This is all really helpful. I don't want to pass as a man so I'm definitely going to take it slow but I'm really interested in seeing what T does to my body. Very curious to see how and where I bulk up muscle-wise because I'd LOVE some biceps and also I already have strong legs so it would be cute if they get even bigger. I won't hold my breath for a disguisable chest though lmao (I'm an F cup 😔).

[heyitslapis]

its times like this when i really wish i had an SO's shoulder to cry on

Because I think i factrued/sprained my foot the other day it happened wednesday but its still pretty swollen and pops when i try to walk on it without hobbling. i know i signed up for health insurance through work. i wrote down the insurance company name as Bayside and I have my personal insurance id number but the card never came in/got lost in the mail (and i already called for one replacement that never came so idk if theyll send me a third) so i cant confirm the insurance name nor call them, but i need to because ive called/visited 5 health care facilities around me and NONE of them have even heard of Bayside. So im calling the phone number that my manager provided me with telling me that was the insurance company. I keep calling the number (and mind you ive called them before to try to get a second insurance card sent to me but that was in like April) and i get that its saturday but theres no answer and the stupid automated machine wont let me leave a voicemail. the automated answering voice on the phone also says that theyre called National Benefit Plans by SafetyNet and google says the phone number im using belongs to National Benefit Plans out in San Antonio Tx (i live no where near there). I found National Benefit Plans' website on SafetyNetPlus dot com but National Benefit Plans doesnt have their own website, just through SafetyNet, and also the SafetyNet website says on a side panel that "this is NOT insurance" and instead keeps saying "health benefits" instead so idk what the fuck ive been paying for for the last 6 months tbh and im having an emotional breakdown bc i dont want to fuck my foot up for life just cause i couldnt figure out my health insurance/benefits shit

[sl1tcl1t]

Life Update: Idk where else to write down my thoughts and experiences for almost the past year.

To get myself caught up with the last post I made from last year, it was my final year in HS and I never wanted to leave that rancid hél/hø\e so damn bad. I finally graduated and got into college. This freshman year is the absolute worst. On top of that, I couldn't get a dorm room, which is expected according to the hierarchy of classmen. But anyway, this year's schedule has been extraordinarily harmful to my physical and mentally. Since I don't have a dorm, I gotta commute to my classes every single day. In my case, I must drive all the way from the south to the city (1hr 30min on avg.) This is not a bad drive, unless u wanna beat the I-75/I-85 9 - 5 traffic. Which ALSO MEANS I gotta wake up at 4:00 am and leave the house by 5 if I want to arrive in time for my 8 and 10 am classes. Additionally, my last class during Mon,Weds, and Fri ends at 5pm. I don't get home till about 7. AND on top of all that, Tue and Thurs is when I work my part time shift. The latest my shift can end is at 7:30pm and it takes me at least 30 mins to get home. If I want to get the most sleep possible, I gotta be in bed by 9. My sleep schedule bc of this is incredibly fùçk3d up. Luckily, me and my friend made a little room for me to sleep in my car. Which is also another problem. Bc Im too damn sleep deprived, I oversleep multiple times and end up missing classes. Classes where I can't easily get a PowerPoint w/readily available info to write. I feel incredibly behind.

My mental and physical health has gotten progressively worse since I moved outta my mom's house. I really don't wanna get into grave detail abt my family, but TLDR; both parents are complexly problematic, but one's more flexible than the other. But, Jesus Christ Almighty, living with this man is insufferable. Nothing but complaining, guiltripping, nonchalant shaming, and being plain irritating. He brings a wave of negative energy anytime he enters a room. Granted, there are things that he complains about that are justified, but he's getting more and more senile everyday. So he just gets mad at anything now. It pisses me off but also makes me sad. Another thing is that work is overexerting my well-being whilst giving me such a low pay. For context, I work in a warehouse now. Lifting boxes every other day that are half the size of you will give you nausea. My feet have blisters and my hands are cramping. My calves burn, my entire arm is aching, and my head pounds harder than ever. My friend suggests that I might have burn out, and I believe it with every bone in my body. Working at a place that accepts newly hs grads, ofc there would be å$5h0lés my age and worse. The smell has gotten worse since I moved in w dad. He essentially lives in a white trash neighborhood, so the smell outside is horrendous. This smell has affected the inside of my house and now I reek. And the ppl at work love to remind me abt my smelly ass despite trying my hardest to mask it. I seriously cannot stand other day in there and hopefully I can get a new job this upcoming summer.

But apart from all this, the cherry on top of this shit show was today after work. I got off early and wanted to visit this little gravesite around in my area to take pics and upload on here. I chickened out. It's too damn dark for me to take any so I walked around, contemplating life per usual. I decided to go inside the convenience store. I asked if there were any sleeping pills/melatonin and the guy had asked a question that made my mind go blank,

"Are you homeless?"

Never in life would I hear those words issued to me, but if I'm gonna be completely honest, I live at my dad's house, not paying any bills or insurance (yet), I sleep in my car majority of the day, and I have the worst pay to labor ratio. So technically, Imma borderline broke ass freeloading bum. But anyway, I was even more in shock when he rang my items. I forgot my wallet in the car and told him I was going to run out n grab it, but he just gave me the bag with an empathetic, "it's okay". And now I feel like a piece of shit to completion. Bc in hindsight, Im not HOMELESS, but it damn sure feels like I am.

I can't believe Im turning into every person I've met in the workforce. Ppl who just live paycheck to paycheck and just let the days past by; not doing anything but working. I use to make fun of those ppl at my last job as a cashier while in HS, but seriously, I got the realest reality check of my life. I really cannot live a life like that for 30+ years if I can't figure something out by graduation. Else I'm better off with maggots in my eyes and my skin wilting in the ground.

I'm done ranting, I need some sleep.... GN and happy Halloween ✌🏽

[xwendigox]

Wendigo News

Heys guys! Really sorry for the inactivity. A lot of health stuff going on.

Finally went to an orthodontist because I can actually afford it with my insurance through my job. Told me my jaw and all are gonna be one of their more difficult cases but it’s fixable. 2 years in braces. 🫠 Totally not a confidence sinker. But at least I can say good bye to jaw pain and lockjaw and hello gorgeous confidence boosting smile!

Had my monthly visit to my psychologist. She literally like a mom to me. Since my biological parents neglected me and left me for dead and then my adoptive parents abused me for 15 & 1/2 years until I finally ran away. My “new” family, I ran away to live with my friend who helped me, are amazing. Consider me own of their own. 😭 💕

Back onto the topic lol. We were just chatting about a visit I had with my adopters (I don’t call them my parents. You lose your title as a parent the second you harm a child, in my eyes at least. The wife was the main abuser. The dad just stood by and let it happen because the wife would turn on him if he did). I’m still in contact with them because my biological brother is still with them. He was too young for me to be able to safely and legally run away with him. He wasn’t a legal adult at the time.

I ended up just like spewing out like all these stories of the things she used to do to us that I thought was normal. Some, obviously I knew was abuse. Other were more covert. Like less obvious. And I was telling her how like the first 6 months in my new family just fucked me up mentally so hard. Because the dynamic was SO DIFFERENT. Like sure, there were arguments and all, but they were still respectful. There was no name calling. No degradation. No manipulation. None of that. All the things I was used weren’t happening. It was a complete and utter culture shock. Which is how I came onto just spewing out all these stories.

Fast forward to afterwards, my psychologist just sat there in silence for a good minute or two. Then she was like, “That’s not crazy. That just plain cruel and sadistic. The shit they did to you is fucked up and heart breaking. That shit fucks you up bad.” And like I couldn’t help but laugh. Idk. Laughing about it kinda like helps me disconnect from the trauma. It hurts just thinking about it. Y’a know? But she ended up asking me if I have a therapist. I told her no, because with Covid, everyone got booked. And then finding a good one is hard too. So, she told me, “Don’t worry about. I’m going to find you a therapist, and a good one. You need to talk that shit out. Get that shit out of your system.”

Since talking about that I’ve kinda been out of it. Like I knew what they did was bad, but like hearing and seeing my doctor’s reaction when she’s probably dealt with hundreds of patience like this kinda puts it into perspective. Y’a know? So, I’m trying. I’m not spiraling. Just kinda trying to process it all I guess.

Sorry for ranting. I know some of you are gonna be like, “Wendigo, like why are you saying all this?” Like I know some won’t care. That’s fine. I just know that maybe someone out there will read this and be like “I’m not alone.” Kinda thing. And just knowing that, helps things feel more bearable. Yes this shit is hard to read an all. But I’m not going just be silent about it. That’s what they want you to do. Im going to talk about it. Make people aware. When you live through a situation like this, you quickly become a specialist lol 😂 like I’m constantly studying and learning about my diagnosis. About my CPTSD, and how its the parent of my bipolar disorder, about my autoimmune disorder, etc. You have to be because you’re going to be living with this for the rest of your life.

You don’t “get over it”. Your body holds memories. It’s why you flinch at anything. It’s why you feel constantly alert. Even if YOU do NOT remember, your body does and reacts accordingly. Shit doesn’t disappear. You just learn how to handle and live with it better. I’m not trying to sound depressing. It’s just what I’ve learned.

So if anyone ever needs to rant, ask questions, or just talk to someone to get shit off your chest, IM HERE. My messages are ALWAYS open to you. It’s a safe place here.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)

The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.

I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.

I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.

And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)

It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)

But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.

Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!

The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.

And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.

Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.

[pinkadork]

Im fine

Its not like ive been setting myself up what feels like forever to both really and also i guess not at all always be in the cycle im in. The predestined fuck up ig my moms a fuck up

Im a fuck up

I cant stay a job apparently

I’m too scared of every if and but when it comes to trying it to be creative and do things like i used too, nowadays i feel like its tainted because im not even finna be doing it because i like it anymore, but instead just proving i didn’t give up, when i did

I was tired, emotionally drained, put in a position i nor anyone really asked for but guess whose grandparents this belonged to

Im not a fucking mistake or a right person wrong time

I am a nigga thats has been struggling and it was before you sure but everyone in the fuck ass house kept trauma bonding new and old covid didnt fucking help.

How the fuck are we fucking but aint no protection or immediate showers available

How am i toxic for not wanting what felt like more like a: fuck my poor ass boy friends and dementia ridden grandparents( and while its not anyones job to guide me if we in a relationship and you feel some way say some shit some how ) the weirdest ( but unfortunately not worst) living situation ive been in, the deepest most confusing, loving yet infuriating, real yet faux ass relationship ive had with anyone.

Like even now I physically am sick to my stomach about the idea or notion of again my ex, someone who has dumped me like at least twice since July and lowkey high key didnt even count it it was like a secret trial i failed because ofc im not sure of you actually love me mr. I tell the world you beat me but sure we can play minecraft

Fucking the part the gets me the most about this is i know you know how i feel and its just

I feel set up

Like genuinely not just the relationship shit

And im not gonna act like i dont play my role in shit and attribute a lot to the shit that get me and others where we are but jfc im tired

I’m not the brightest bulb but im not a fucking dumbass

And i did more than read the room, i saw the patterns, felt the vibe shifts, and tried so fucking hard.

Its sad whatever im pathetic but i think i knew without saying it (and even saying this it doesnt mean all the people out with then bc some are still here and we cool but fucking) My ex was the realest mf i had in my circle, and which is probably why its hard being like man aint no fucking way we went out like that. Im not for the see you in a few years shit, im not for the go fuck around like i aint give my heart, i was (am) a dumb nigga that went to to college before dropping out after missing all my classes so i could be attached virtually at the hip to them

Its not their fault and for years i didnt feel that at all.

But the second i saw that they felt like they wasted so much on me and this that whatever man my blood got to boiling on some seafood type shi

Its like

You can do evil

They can do evil

And be vindicated and justified in ya own right because in ya head this is just karma and you standing up for ya self and

Then its like i do evil snd immediately fold because i aint mean shi

Nigga got slammed by me 2 or three times

And everytime it was some bs

I let you convince i was being an ass for feeling threatened because " weight and height and muscle” but fucking niggas never care about perspectives

Yeah we are arguing

Yeah im loud, which is infuriating because my usual everyday speaking voice whether it because i subconsciously (now very actively) am aware of how loud i can be, is actually very quiet and i tend to have to repeat myself and even did to my ex because yeah

Fuck im so high man

Its been awhile since i ran out of actual medicine

Like i feel like ive said its been like two weeks for like a month now.

Now i gotta go through new everything, finding insurance, therapy, reassessments, medication changes, so much has happened and yet nothing has, i got fired today, i think, i mean i definitely got the text “Your assignment is finished do not return anymore” but this is the first temp agency really that ive been at , its just like

Like that?

Its kinda how sudden i end up either in or out of someones life, ex, family, friends

Sometimes i feel like ive been so many different me’s and am constantly “coming of age” (metaphorically speaking or in case thats ominous still, like i feel like i do in fact get older but do to circumstance, bad choices, and a lot of fuckening, i very much am learning alot of basic shit i shouldve known, or yes i am just now learning how to not be like donny on the wildthornberrys

I truly was happy and want to die everytime i think about how unhappy i made them

Make them

The wont miss me when i die because im alive and they surely dont is the thing i come back to whether wrong or not it is

Sometimes i cry about things i dont know are true bit definitely feel on my gut or for those in the loop my LN

You can keep my heart in dont want it anymore

I know realistically im bugging and i just feel bad and i need meds and yadayada yada

Im gonna be blunt with ya chief, im blowing my fucking brains out gn

[richardsphere]

Leverage Redemption Log: The One Mans Trash Job

Episode starts with a man and woman fishing trash out of a river, the news called back saying that while the story did fine they dont want to cover it anymore. Cuts to two men in a car, blowing up the two peoples shrimping-boat. --- Hammond runs a trash-shipping business. (i mean that btw, i think he's literally shipping trash, there is no way that one or two containers falling of a regular shipping vessel creates this widely varied and intensely damaged floating mass). Which means the follow-up is: Why is he doing that? Its not to save money. Thats not worth blowing up a boat for. Now I remember stories about how, for various reasons, some of the first things organised crime syndicates try to get their hands on when settling into a city is its waste disposal network. (easy way to get rid of a couple of bodies or a bunch of evidence, and because your company is paid by local government, you can openly associate with crooked councilmen and have them bribe you by just increasing your budget while looking legal and above-board to casual observers) Basically: I think he's with the mob in some capacity. He's got a boat, im gonna say smuggler (he dumps the trash to make space for whatever he's smuggling) --- Back at the theatre: Im right about my first assumption (hes a waste transporter, focussed on plastic.) He's a ghost on the internet though, no facebook no nothing.

So accordint to Breanna he's taking trash, shipping it to asia, dumping half along the way, then spending money to bribe local government to dump it. At that point, why isnt he just saving the money and dumping it all at sea? Why waste the money on gas and bribes. So im 90% certain that he does make the full trip, and its what he takes back that is making him the most money (smuggler, probably drugs)

He has a storage facility that is suspiciously over-insured. (you dont insure drugs, he might be smuggling art instead)

Sophie concludes along similar lines as I do. --- Back at the docks, Parker and Elliot are on evidence-gathering. There's an auction happening, and yes those are antique art-objects he's smuggling back to the US.

Breanna is disapointed that they're going after this low-level trashdumper instead of the companies that are killing the planet. Im going to be clear here: if sophie's talks about how all we can do is little babysteps is meant to foreshadow a "regular civilians should use less plastic" thing, im gonna get pissed.

--- Complication: He has forged Provenance documentation.

Sophie just recognised an item (mahjong tiles) . And i dont mean in the "she can tell when its a Kadinski" sense, but in the "I remember these, i have a personal history with this object" sense.

Hammond's personal authenticator --- Sophie and Authenticator begin code-speaking. They have a past, there is tension but he's not gonna bust her just yet. (Name is Arthur Wilde) "you were in mesopotamia 2 years ago"= He's heard of Sophie doing something in Iran/Iraq "spent my time digging out a burmese temple"=I was trying to escape prison (tone of voice=I blame sophie) after that i lose the track but in summary: Sophie's fucked this guy over at some point. "its not what it looks like, well except for conning your boss that is exactly what it looks like." Ah yeah, he was in prison because of her. Sophie is gonna try to talk him round to their side.

Sophie takes out the earpiece. --- What do you mean "steal a printer", Sure its a special filament rather then regular PLA but its just a 3d printer. If you're telling me Hardison and Breanna dont already have a functional 3d printer im gonna be angry. But apparently we stole the printer off-screen and are already at the auction with the fake ivory tiles.

Arthur is in. (giving him the big score is Sophie's attempt at redemption for getting him thrown in prison)

Harry plays the buyer, Gives the perfect excuse for a long-distance boat-trip on which such an object may just take a dip in the sea. --- Tracking the tiles, signal broke off. Sophie is gonna have to confess her past sins.

Oh we're digging into the Duchess of Hanover lore here. This is definitly setting up a plot-arc for the season... Wait there was a duke, she fell in love with the mark... is there a kid? No way that there isnt a complication where she has a kid right? (it would let her foil both Nate's relation with Sam and Harry's relationship with Becky) --- Time for the con: Get him to lead you to the tiles. (you stole from a terrorist my dude)

I like the professionalism on our mark, mid stand-off, turnign to "Athena" about wether she's willing to occupy his imminent vacancy.

Elliot and the Mark are talking business (blackmail, "pay me or i call my boss" type of deal). McSweeten gets re-mentioned. (he's still doing nice for himself)

Mark has decided that he's gonna use the stolen tiles to pay off Harry to get the terrorist he represents to kill Elliot for him. The tiles are in motion, (and im thinking that Parker followed him to them so we know where the vault is)

--- Mark returns to his home to find the official spokesman for Terrorism Incorporated sitting in his chair.

Harry has the tiles (both the fake and the real.) which means that from now on, if we ever see the "real" tiles again, assume those are fake as well. (if we can 3d print the missing tiles, no reason not to print some fakes of the real ones for a switch)

Harry has turned on Sophie (or at least thats what the mark thinks. He's still with her, this is a staged death-scene) --- Ah, get him to think he just compromised an international terrorist. Yeah this guy is gonna rat himself right into witness protection.

Elliot mentioned McSweetens name specificly to get him to go to the higherup (can we expect an OG Actor Cameo?)

Harry takes a dive to sell the Chechen as being a small fish compared to someone. And if the Chechen is a small-fry, that means our Mark would be plankton.

We havent seen Parker in a while, also that gun was in the guys office while Harry was there waiting for him. Those are blanks --- Ah right, Harry had access to his laptop for like, an entire FBI Agent Elliot-scene. Theres a lot more you can do there then just swap some bullets.

"dont even try to call for help" before stealing his phone from an ocean away... Style. --- Scene cuts to our heroes fishing trash out of the river. New boat, money for a cleaning operation. Unfortunately no cameo from McSweeten. Arthur doesnt believe Sophie's improved herself, and leaves with a foreshadowing "i know im not the only one you betrayed back then" to say, Yup we're getting a season-long arc about the Duchess Con.

[bittwitchy]

i’m gonna be a thousand percent real w you guys for a min, its gonna be under a read more, and it revolves around fears and pains and scary medical things and g/ov3r/nm3nt bullshit and stuff which is uhhh destroying me mentally and physically ig ahahahhaa

so like as some ppl know, when i was leaving work late nov/early dec of 22, i fell and injured my ‘leg’, it was a few days before i turned 26 and i couldnt get a doc appt in time w a real doc, and ofc bc i was on the male parentals insurance and it was based out of texas despite US being in california, i got completely fucked over bc they didnt want ro cover shit and i had to argue with them til almost the very end of december or so just to see a nurse practitioner who didnt know wtf she was gonna do, and refused to listen to me when i said i was not going to have insurance in a week. i cannot afford any expansive anything right now and anything that i have to do needed to be done before the end of december. all she said was ‘i hope you get better then, but they will call you when they feel like it.’

its been over a year, im still not better, because i was not clocked in at the time, and was injured in the parking lot, hr already said they wont cover it. even if i was only at that location (not my home location) for them, i was not clocked in and therefore they hold no responsibility, and the parking lot had no cameras anyways. its all just word of mouth so. i got fucked there too. C/alo/ptima has been fujcing useless and wont even send me my new insurance card so i can get a new regular pcp who will refill even just my fucking inhaler because the guy they gave me refused to even refill that.

now, when ive gotten the leg scans, they cant find anything. they dont know whats wrong. ‘oh youre just fat, lose weight and you’ll be fine.’

breathing shots pain into my leg. and the pains been spreading. ive been getting a little bit of weird treatment at work despite dlat out ignoring and pushing through my pain to please people and that wasnt even enough because i still got some pretty weird ass treatment from some ppl in management despite the fact im not choosing this, and ignoring it makes everything worse.

and ive been trying to push through and ignore it and hope it heels, because the medical system isnt going to help me, neither is the company, and i live in california. i really just cant afford the medical system here anyways.

i think when i fell, it clipped a nerve into my spine, because for those unaware im that special brand of au/tistic who can tell you the exact point of origin of my pain. from tooth pain to headaches to even searing body aches, i can tell you where it starts and where it ends. but i also have a massive pain tolerance (ive had 8 root canals and local anesthesia doesnt work on me thanks to adhd, i can and have had 9 bottles injected in and nothing happened, so i just dont use it and ignore the horrendous fucking pain of your nerves being killed because i dont want to bother anyone. THAT is my pain tolerance level, and i cant tolerate this.)

the pain is spreading to both of my legs, and when i ignore it i end up toppling over. i used to be a hula dancer, professional as a kid, still for rec until i got hurt. i cant do it anymore. i can barely walk. when i force myself into events and shit that requires walking, it feels like my entire body is being crushed the next day, and during the actual day of doing but thats obvious.

i dont know how to take it anymore, nothing is helping, no one is helping me, and even people who try to help me its like the system is working for them despite refusing to work for me. i really well and truly dont know what to do about this anymore. the pain from my spine isnt only in that leg now, its in both legs and keeps creeping to my arms. im obviously not gonna get help from the company, and even talking to a lawyer its a fucking long shot that i could get anything done from them at all since the parking lot didnt have cameras. i already have eds, and this has been setting off the issues relating to it even more. i was meant to get tested for pots before i lost insurance back then, but new doctor doesnt believe women can experience pain at all, and are lying for attention if they admit to it.

breathing is fucking painful, and i dont know what to do. i can just keep doing what im doing and ignoring my pain and pushing through to please everyone because its not like the system helps, but the system is working for others and when i do what they recommend i do it not only still doesnt work for me, but i get threats from it. i dont know if its because im autistic or not, indont know why it works for others and not for me, i dont understand and when i try to get answers all people say is ‘just push through’ but im trying and its making everything worse and im breaking my body more and more by just pushing through and indont want to get kicked off of c/alo/ptima for bothering them too much by not getting answers despite my efforts because i did get threatened and incant afford $250-500 monthly fees from my state if i dont have insurance. $250 is more than i earn a week. jts not like im getting hours at work. and i really just am so fucking broken and tired and confused and done i dont know what to do and im tired of being in pain. i just want the pain to go away. i dont want to cry anymore. i dont want to be confused and scared and alone anymore. its like everythings collapsing down and i dont know what to do.

and to top it all off, the skin welts and lesions that my old doctor was so terrified of me having are back. theyre a symbolism of my white blood cell count, and last time i got them he had me get blood tests every few months because he was worried about my developing leukemia. and everytime it got too high he gave me something to try snd prevent it, and ultimately i was ‘almost there but narrowly escaped’, and i dont know how im supposed to just keep pushing and keep living and keep going it that happens too. especially when incant afford a blood test right now. i dont know what im doing or who i am anymore and its destroying every semblance of who i am that i had left, and i just want to make everyone happy but im not happy. im not happy snd im not getting help snd i feel so defeated and indont understand how other people can argue andnits fine but i do it and i get threatened or retaliated against.

indont understand how if i do whats recommended im misbehaving and being wrong but others can do what they want. its like im a kid again but instrad of being beaten im just getting fucked over medically even more snd my body gets to further destroy itself and i dont know whay the fuck left there is to do. its like everythings collapsing down on me, jm not getting the samw care or treatment others get, and i dont think im going to because i cant keep fighting a system thats going to only verbally threaten me because they wont respond to emails. i cant use recorded conversations in court here. im scared and im tired and im in constant pain and had to beg my old doctor to send an inhaler refill without my seeing him because the new one wouldnt and my lungs were giving out. i dont want to die but it feels like its heading rhat way whether i want to or not because nothing and nobody will help me and when they try they get mad at me for ‘not trying harder’ but im doijt everythint they say and more and its nothing. nothings coming crom it but my suffering. but if i say its not my fault its ‘making excuses’ and injust cant keep doing this anymore. im so tired, and im in so much pain, and indont know what to do.

[90th1k1k0m0r1]

my job is safe for now!! this company’s disciplinary system is ridiculously complex but i basically have no room for mistakes now. i can’t make any more errors or let my production fall for a year and i cant be late at all before late april, can’t call out until october. i pulled the tower for may so i think i might lose my job then.

worked out a new system to save money, i have a new checking account and debit card just for expenses, old one is for fun money and everything else goes into savings. i qualified for gain share at my job somehow so my pay is just short of $19 an hour (excluding days i use my pto). i should be able to put roughly $500 into my savings every check, anything leftover in my expenses account is gonna go into my savings too, but i’ll let myself keep any fun money i dont spend. i need to save as much fun money as i can now because i’m going on a trip with my friends in april and i’ll need some money for that. i should be able to put something between $2500-$4000 into my savings before i suspect i’ll get fired if i stick to this, hopefully my new system makes it easier.

still need to get my teeth fixed, i got back on my mom’s insurance but it only lasts until my next birthday in august. gonna go ahead and schedule one of my two free cleanings on monday. i might get them to fix the worst of my teeth (two of them are really bad) but i don’t want to bite the bullet on that until the last minute just so i know i have the money to do it without decimating my savings. i think my wisdom teeth are starting to shift my other teeth but i can’t afford to fix it so im gonna try not to worry about it. if i still have my job next december i might be able to sign up for my job’s dental insurance. I’m not completely sure they ever offer it, even if they do it’ll certainly be worse than my mom’s but it’s better than nothing.

i should be fine if/when i get fired. if i save right i should have enough money for my car payment for 6-ish months by may and i dont think my mom is gonna make me start paying my car insurance until september (it’s so expensive though it’s like $500). i’ll be able to get unemployment and my big boss will speak well of me regardless of what happens at my job. i got a few interview requests from construction companies with just my forklift experience. that combined with the experience in general maintenance and drywall that i’ll get working with my dad should give me an advantage in getting a construction job. no matter what i’ll have a place to sleep.

[louisriel]

I am in a weird limbo part of life right now

I work in a call center and for the last year I've been doing calls basically as a travel agent for Costco ( cruises ), all our calls got diverted to America in December but they were still paying the company I work for, and therefore us, until feb 3. Fortunately, my company likes me because I'm great at my job and they found a new campaign for me to work on that I'm excited for because it will look good on my resume but its not exactly something i will love (outbound sales for insurance sales for a bank. ots not like full sales just basic foot in the door work, ill be great at it just like not passionate for obvious reasons.

This past month has basically been me signing in every day to my laptop and getting paid, which sounds great until you realized a lot of the progress ive made with myself, my addition, my overall mental health, my need to do better, my enthusiasm about living life. has all been because of my pretty rigid routines ive built for myself.

Anyways while I have been using on and off ( on weekends usually after getting drunk Saturday night I bother this guy who lives like across the street from me and is usually down to party its annoying having him that close to me) Ive really allowed myself to fall down a hole this past month, not only with my drug use, but just in general all of my routines are messed up and i really need to get back on track.

I really am feeling so many emtions lately, most of them good actually like i was depressed for a bit there when i didnt know if ill have a job , and i am actually excited for this next step. There's just so much happening lately that im feeling new emotions and feelings and having new reactions about those emotions and feelings and i feel if i KNEW how to do any type of art id be having like a fucking moment right now but I draw like two lines in a drawing program and cry because ill never be able to draw what I feel in my eyes :/

I have so much to work on with myself too , like my sexuality is so fucked up lately,i keep feeling that I have lost the ability to have sex without meth but i barely fuck while on it anyways and the few times i have had sex without partying in the past year were great . When GI Joe sauna opens back up again im really gonna try to go regularly again, I really want to reclaim my sluttiness Im really missing a huge part of my life and ability to express myself.

But the fire damage was bad enough that its still not open and itll probably be spring before it does, and i have to wait a few months in my new campaign to feel confident in it again and everything in Montreal feels hollow until spring and my place needs a deep cleaning and my mind needs like a scrub down?????? I don't know i feel this spring is going to be so fucking good for me I can just feel it

[dawnowar]

2023 is all transferred over now

Then I remembered i forgot to update 2024. literally its 1/2 and i already forgot. But im gonna try and periodically manually cross-post so i dont have to do it all at once on 12/31 like i did this year.

Starting the year having gained back all the pounds i lost when i did all that working out last summer after being sick five times in a row. all normal sicknesses just i got em all back-to-back and diet and exercise went out the window.

I'm back on track already today. I usually do a strict January diet till Valentines day which is the start of my birthday partying through till about St Patricks Day. Then im usually somewhere in the sustainable middle ground of healthy habits till December.

I've been in a weird mood where i just kinda want to be home alone mostly. I mean i was happy to go out for NYE and the Friday before but I haven't felt much need to socialize outside of that. I like to do NYE on my own. I'm a very high energy social person but I also like to come and go as I please where i please when I please. Especially on drinking holidays.

I believe in going out and staying sober and traveling alone. Which is none of what most people want to do on New Years.

So i did that and i had a good time and i went home when i was ready and i did a 2nd NYE toast with my cats who I bribed to join me with shrimp and I'm going into 2024 thinking it'll be OK and I'm in a good place literally and figuratively.

Went to work today and it was busy af because insurance waits for no one. I don't think ill catch up till the end of the week.

But that's fine too.

Work is OK. it has its ups and downs but it suits my purposes at the moment so I'll stay till it doesn't. But i've learned a lot. Been there a year now and im only just getting good at my job. May as well stay awhile.

I've landed in a safe and comfortable place so may as well stay awhile.

[yokomation-blog]

PRIMAL LAGANN

1.000 years from now, Three Heros, Simon, a Young little man and younger brother to Kamina leader of team gurren and Yoko Littner a redheaded Sniper would Breach to the surface in their mecha known as Lagann, from here they would normally get to the Surface however here is not gonna go on as the you know

after having Drilled up to the Surface, Simon, Kamia and Yoko are amazed at the sight of the surface world tho as barren as it is, Yoko Littner use this to introduce herself for the first time

“it´s Yoko By the Way” Said Yoko Littner as Simon looks at Her “that´s My Name we never introduced ourselves did we?” as Kamina and Simon introduce themselves “im Kamina and this is Simon” Kamia says to Yoko, “Nice to meet ya” Replies Yoko Littner. Boota Comes out of Yoko´s Cleavage when Yoko and Kamina Find out they are falling down all of a sudden

“SIMON DO SOMETHING” Panic Spread as they are falling down and then

BANG! they crash down breaking through into a tunnel leading even deeper underground, deeper than their Giha ever were.

and then they All seem to Float. “Huh is it just me or are we floating in mid air?” Says Yoko to Simon “what the hell??? "We are?!" to Simon's Surprise and

if there is an atmosphere confused over otherworldly sight, they Look down as if looking down into a whole other planet, a World underneath the World, however as the Adore the sight  it's here the Core Drill is lost to Simon and he Desperately tries to get it back

however it Floats away too quickly as the gravity gets Stronger and Stronger and then

like a Shooting star the Lagann lands onto this Hollow Earth World,

with a huge impact it crashes into a Rainforest of sorts, a primal world lost to time.

As they Recover inside of the Lost World they Get Outside for the First time since the battle an the first Thing Kamina dose to Simon is Punching him in the Face “SIMON You Dumb Fuck, You lost the Coredrill and look where we are now im going to KILL YOU” Kamina pulls out his Sword but Yoko Littner Stops them from fighting “HEY HEY” Yells Yoko Littner in between Kamina and Simon with her Arms Holding them “Look This did not go as Planned for any of us so, Let´s just Calm down ok” Yoko insures Them both as Kamina and Simon start calm down a bit and then they then sit down at the ruins of what was once lagann as Yoko Littner Explains to both of them everything isn´t as Bad as it can be, “Look it´s Not the end of the World i mean surely nobody saw us go down here into this… Hollow Earth Type of a Place” Tells Yoko to Kamina and Simon “But maybe if we can find the Core Drill we might be Able to get out of here”. Yoko Littner takes off her Chopstick and makes an X mark on the Tree Bark, Yoko littner smiles at Kamina and Simon who then get up “Alright so to make it easier to find our way back here to, i'm leaving an X everywhere we Go” Says Yoko as the Gang are off to an adventure in a new realm.

all of a sudden tho, a loud Roar Stops them all dead in their Tracks

they all look as comming out of the forest, a GIGANTIC, Feathered Short armed Predator, comes out, It Looks at the trio with unnerving, Bird like stare, eyes pinning

“Is that a T-rex?” Simon says in Worry as the Tyrannosaurus-Rex Roars at them and it Gose about attack Simon however Yoko Littner Shoots at it´s face, Simon Stares as Kamina and Yoko Takes care of the prehistoric predator together “I FOUND IT” Screams simon looking at the Coredrill stuck in a Tree, “go get it Simon we´ll Take care of big bird here” Yells Yoko Littner as she and Kamina Try to buy time for Simon to get it back. the Tyrannosaurus Looks around sniffing about as Yoko Littner Reloads and She Takes aim at the Eye with her Arrows, the T-Rex Roars in Pain as Kamina then Makes a Slice in it´s Legs the Tyrannosaurs-Rex Stares Down Kamina and almost gets Him with his Katana stuck to it´s Leg

Simon In the near by jungles Gets the Coredrill and then RUSH back to Get into Lagann

“I GOT IT GO GO GO” Screams Simon before the T-Rex Spots him and Is almost Snapped up, the Gang Get´s Lagann Working agian and the Tyrannosaurus-Rex roars as The Fight is between animal and Machine, the Tyrannosaurs-Rex Bites Down on Lagann´s Arm and Throws it Around like it's a Dog's Toy but it quickly Gets Back up as Yoko Littner Shoots the Tyrannosaurus-Rex using her Electroshock at it “We better get back to the Surface” Says Yoko Littner to Simon as He is Working on it and then as thing can´t Get Much worse they are pushed over towards a cliff edge, the T-Rex about to end them all off. it´s All over when Simon at a last moment Gets it back up and flying towards the Surface world,

the T-Rex Roars at them as they are flying towards the sky of the hollow Earth world here.

they are all back to the Surface with a HUGE BANG! “WOW That was ehh, Was something eh?” Yoko Littner Replies to Kamina and Simon “Yeah” Says Simon “Atleast we can hopefully change the world for the better” Says Simon with a huge smile on his face and they are ready, as Team dai Gurren gotta start somewhere… Even if they almost died.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3374

i woke up today at like 10:26 feeling great! catalogued how i felt and immediately fell back asleep.

woke up around 11:something to a phone call, which was from my therapist, so i woke up for that. talked to her about the con plague i'm suffering from as well as a friend i need to set boundaries with. she helped me think about the situation and equipped me with knowledge i did not previously have so i can do a better job when i need to reinforce those boundaries i once set a while ago. but so far, im okay.

unfortunately, when i got up out of bed i did not feel as good as i thought i did. but i did shower today, which was beneficial. helps to be clean.

i gotta wash some laundry tomorrow. my comfy stuff is dirty.

anyway, i had soup for lunch and came back upstairs and napped for a while. i've been trying to tell my mom to stop doing things and to actually rest, because she's sick, but she hasn't been listening to me a lot and is doing stuff anyway. so i think today she finally caved. she was supposed to go to the dentist thursday. she called and told them, and they rescheduled for her. she napped today. she's the type of person to power through an illness and by doing so makes it last six times longer than it should. so i'm trying to get her to stay down for more than a day or two because getting better is not something you can simply will your body to do when you have an autoimmune deficiency. lady's got lupus for god's sake. just stop, ma. stop. go back to bed. sleep. she doesn't sleep well, either, so that sucks too.

the good news is that i see what she's doing even though nobody else does. and i know what she needs to be doing because i'm 31 years old and basically have her immune system, plus i've been around her for three decades. so like, mom. you gotta stop running yourself into the ground. you'll get sickER, and then you'll STAY sick. which is the last thing you want. she hates being sick but she gets sick and stays sick for a long time because of her habits.

but i'm pushy with her when she gets sick. "go back to bed. now." "call the dentist and reschedule. they're not gonna wanna see you if you're sick." "get someone else to take her. you're SICK." constantly reminding her that she is, in fact, sick is something that she needs because she says shit like "i'll be better tomorrow morning," or "i'll be better in two days."

yes manifesting is one thing and the power of will of a human is another thing, but healing from illnesses is something entirely different. dad gave you a blessing? okay, so are you gonna help yourself by going to the doctor, or are you gonna rely on sky daddy to fix it?

so that's what i've been dealing with on top of trying to feel better.

my sister is also sick. but mom got sick before i came home, so i didn't give con plague to her. i probably gave it to my sister, though, even though she avoided me. her symptoms sound like mine. but i have health insurance. it's too risky in this country to not have health insurance. i hate this place. i'm gonna fuckin file for medicaid for the two of them. they need insurance. if something happens to james, then what, huh?? goddamn.

i may be reckless and a dumbass, but i have the sense to have health insurance to help me take care of the consequences of my dumbassery.

sigh. didn't really mean for this to turn into a rant about health.

but seriously, guys. whoever is reading this, make sure you've got health insurance and that you take steps to help yourself. if you live in the US, it's FAR too dangerous to live without insurance. medicaid is low-cost or doesn't cost you a dime. you can get doctors appointments, dentistry, glasses, specialists, physical therapy, and mental health therapy, along with medications to help you if something ever does happen. local state governments have their own applications, but if you search on the page for the department of health and human services (DHHS), you should be able to find links and stuff to access it.

if you don't qualify for medicaid because you make too much, the healthcare marketplace will often give discounts so insurance is only $10 a month or something. it really depends. i have to fix my application tomorrow because my medicaid ended today. having both was a good cover just in case it got ended because of my new job, but now that it's just the one, i gotta change it and hopefully they'll change my monthly premium.

anyway.

get health insurance!!

for those who live in single-payer systems, what is your favorite part about it? besides the fact that you don't have to ridiculous bullshit of american insurance lmao

also yeah, i still feel shitty. not as shitty as before, but still not great. my head is still fuzzy and thinking is hard. which isn't fun. but i'll be taking mucinex sinus day stuff with me so i can take it and function at work when i go in on wednesday. i can't afford to not go in. womp womp.

anyway. i didn't get to talk to joel today, but that's mostly because i was completely out of it for like 80% of the day.

and my hair is weird so i need to get it fixed but i don't want to cut it because i want to grow it out again, but i hate leaving it this awkward length. bleh.

i could use a thousand-dollar trip to the mall or barnes and noble. or both. they're right across the street from each other anyway.

[indigo474]

we don't pray for love, we pray for cars-2032-73023-

there must have been a car show up around where i work.. i saw a few awesome old cars. unpopular opinion but i hate chrome on cars.. i wish i didn't because it's so popular- but yuck.. the one guy i talked to that gave me his name- unsolicited- was the president of the corvette club - some car club- i was like oh cool... then i started talking about weird shit and scared him off.. madison and i have trackers in out cars for insurance purposes.. the lady who sold me the insurance assured me the data collected would not go against me.. i happened to read the fine print and she was wrong.. i honestly think she didnt know.. she was new to her job.. i meant to call her to tell her but i never got around to it. the report came in on how we drive and madison could not wait to compare the 2 of us... she was so excited to tell me that she drives better than me.. i cant help but think had she choose to live with her dad how different her life would be.. she would have her family. my heart breaks for her.. she made the wrong choice.. she would probably be happier .. id probably be ok, i feel like we would still talk.. i dont know. according to Meghan, life is so much better without me. i was the problem. maybe i am the problem.. or i was the problem. or i still am the problem.

i have my trip with Marci coming up. I have no idea what we are going to talk about for 3 days. we are going to a dance club.. i have to find something to wear.. im not sure how to dress as a 50 year old lady going to the club.. it will only be my 2nd time ever going to a club. im looking forward to dancing. Marci has been every where and done everything and here i am..

i choked down an 1/8 of mushrooms and did not trip.. i felt like i was in a dream state but no visuals.. which i was honestly fine with because..if im honest, that shit is terrifying.. kind of.. as long as i have the sense to know i'm actually tripping.. which of course i did..but i was scared to go back to that place.. im not sure why as nothing bad happened.. i had this obsession with getting rid of the mushrooms.. like it was something dangling over my head that i just had to do.. they are truly nasty and i actually threw up trying to get them down.. i come home and what do i find.. more fucking mushrooms.. it was like they somehow multiplied.. i have enough for a micro dose.. probably enough to fit into 2 capsules..maybe 3.. im gonna grind them up real good and take them in a capsule..and be done done done.. its weird because they all came from the same batch but each time i took them the experience was totally different.. me trying to control something that is uncontrollable.

the park closed at 807 today.. last week it was 817.. the leaves are starting to change.. time is moving. i want to run away.. madison could probably afford to keep the apartment.. maybe she could get a roommate. i dont want to do this anymore..

[roseofmortality]

trying to get my life together kinda update

went to the doctor today for the first time in 8 years.

he actually listened to me instead of chiding me and trying to scare me shitless about how i should lose weight the whole damn visit. he encouraged me to find a support group so i can get resources for my transition. got a lab scheduled for next week which im a little worried about but im sure itll be alright. gotta also get xrays done sometime cause my knee and ankle do be fucked.

looking into a couple different services for therapy that seem to be virtual, and my insurance covers most of it if not all thankfully.

still trying to get everything done for this new job too but i start in the next couple weeks. god damn i cant wait tho.

trying to wait for an appointment for a driving test to open up but i may just have to do a walk in if nothing else. im scared to death but i dont have much choice considering how my schedule is gonna be. i do wish i could live without a drivers license but whatever. when i get my own car im not getting a huge fucking tank of an suv because im not stupid

[jiminrings]

I REQUEST A SOFT BADBOY DRABBLE WITH SHY READER AND HES TEASING HER BUT SOMEONE ELSE JOIMS IN AND THEYRE DOING IT TO BE MEAN BUT HES LIKE STFU BEFORE I PUMCH UR FACE ONLY IM ALLOWED TO BULLY SHY READER GRR 😡😡😡😡 and soft readers like 0.o but *squeals incoherently* 😭😭😭😭

last name, jeon.

drabble week: day two

drabble week masterlist

pairing: badboy!jungkook x shy!reader

wordcount: 3k

glimpse: "can't you tell that i really don't want you to be here?"

notes: a tiny change on the plot!! also: frat boy!jimin from day four makes an appearance :D

feedback + support mean the world to me!!

“do you wanna form-“

... yes

you DO have an alliance with jungkook

it's a very fair trade honestly

he pretends to be your boyfriend!! there's no specific boundaries to it, but he springs into action as soon as you're put into an inconvenience

in exchange, you whore him out to your friends!!! :D

no but literally that's how he called it

the whole reason this came to be in the first place is because you hATE confrontation with a burning passion

especially when it comes to those "i have a crush on you" moments that people spring on you all of a sudden

you don't like them back!!! that's the truth!!! but the problem is that you aLWAYS feel guilty letting people down

you obviously don't have the obligation to like someone back just because you sit next to them in class :// IT'S JUST IN YOUR NATURE TO FEEL THAT WAY

you wouldn't get into a relationship with said confessor to ease your guilt, clearly

do you plan on denying their advances? yes

but hOW????

you always take the passive-aggressive approach

you get jungkook to carry your bag and hold your hand, walk in front of said person and pretend not to see them, jungkook makes sURE to put some snide eye contact in there aaaaand the whole ordeal is finished :D

you've managed to let someone down slowly without having to speak to them in-person!!!

jungkook comes more handy than that too

you take him when you want to eat out because you're too anxious to eat alone

you take him when you want to go somewhere in which lining up is essential and you're also too anxious to stand by yourself

you take him when you want to go shopping when there's a sale but you're almost always intimidated by the barrage of people and salespeople so he asks and answers the questions for you

jungkook, in hindsight, is the perfect fake boyfriend for you <3

ALSO jungkook wants something from you

"whore me out to the girls from the families your family's friends with, and it's a deal :D"

that alliance and exchange is going pretty well so far

you mAY be on the more-reserved side but that doesn't mean you're self-aware!!!

you know that your parents are loaded and your shy nature could be somehow chalked to that since you didn't really have anyone that wasn't as non-superficial as you'd like, since they were the overprotective helicopter two-rotor seven-blade parents :(((

jungkook, however, is the only constant you have in your formula

you've known him since childhood and have been friends ever since

his mom's your mom's personal assistant, and one day when mrs. jeon couldn't find a babysitter for jungkook, your mom didn't hesitate to let four-year old jungkook come with her to work

jungkook's your fIRST actual friend that hates gold spoons with you because of how tacky they look :-) he's your emotional support person basically

your emotional support person who was sO close to running late from picking you up during his free day >:( you were about to break into a sprint if he arrived a second later, because you managed to spot a jock coming to you from the corner of your eye awhile ago

You Do Not Like Him <3

"and i even changed into a short-sleeved shirt to ward off your suitors. how romantic of me, don't you think?"

now that he mentions it, it's only now when you can drink him in in full-display

... wow

his right arm's the only one with his tattoos while his left's completely blank, but something about the balance just makes you !!!!!!!! even more

his arm's not completely covered but it was coming to be, something about the blank spaces of skin that are yet to be inked being a nice touch

"very romantic, kook."

now tHAT'S the answer he wanted to hear

he forcibly on your helmet for you to showcase, your grunts of annoyance being drowned out by whistling

(he's even looking left and right and making eye contact with anyone who has their eyes landing on you!!!!)

your cheeks smushed is a look he'll never be tired being in awe of, but he'll never tell you that, of course

"do you ever wonder if your parents would kill me if i misplace even a single hair on you?" jungkook thinks out loud and you don't even flinch with how sudden his thoughts could be, sitting on his seat first so it'd already be balanced when you do, "you sure you’re okay riding with me?? on a motorcycle????"

he usually uses yOUR family's vehicles (they let him and insisted he just takes one at this point) but when you called him, he was en route to kim kradle (it's a one-stop vehicle shop apparently) to get new rims for his motorcycle, bUT NOT ANYMORE HE GUESSES????

you come first compared to the booking he's waited on for three weeks

"i have insurance, i think."

no that's the wrong answer

why did you even bother.,,.,

jungkook flicks your nose because your forehead's protected by the helmet, his face contorted in half faux frustration

"you were supposed to be mad at me for asking that — not logical!! don't even joke about that."

"... my life insurance? like, in the instance that i-"

oW THAT HURT

he flicked even harder this time!!!

you roll your eyes at him and it doesn't go unnoticed, a hand outstretching instead of his fingers flexing

“wallet, please.”

????

jungkook's surprised that you even look confused, this time rolling his eyes at you

“you rolled your eyes at me. you need to bribe me so i won’t rat you out.”

right

he has a never-ending knack for the you're rich jokes

you also know that he likes the cold and would turn the fan on even if it's too hot for a blanket, just because he wants to feel cocooned

you also know that he picks from the fourth row of drinks from the front because it's always been a habit

("the germs cling on to the first row!!!")

you also know that maybe, just maybe, you can't stand it tonight when he's putting himself out there instead of being your faux boyfriend

you keep on zoning out and hoseok, perhaps the only tolerable fellow rich kid you can tolerate within your circle, finally connects the dots in his head and snickers

he's been talking about finding the vintage sneakers he's always wanted on depop and how he almost got scammed for like tWENTY minutes already

in reality, all your nods and scowls aren't towards his story

it's to jungkook and... who's that? jihye whose dad is so colossally shitty, that this one rapper wrote a diss song for him? oh yeah, that jihye

"you like him. like actually 'lose your virginity to him' love him."

WHAT???

there's no way

"how did you-"

"you blush like one."

alright that answer was too quick

hoseok should've ATLEAST tried to wait for a few seconds before answering

"a-and the love part?"

"babe, jungkook may not be the richest one here and that should say a lot," you peer up at him nervously and he actually chuckles, peering to everyone at this function, "dude's humble — he could also just be dense to not see you love him."

okay very true

hobi's making a dig rn at how jungkook coinicidentaally happens to be blonde and maybe this is your cue to leave

hobi does not realize that his hair is aLSO dyed blonde while talking shit about jungkook and his hari

okay this is it

once again, you are NOT listening to hoseok and he's figured out what you're doing by now

you're psyching yourself up with a couple of shots and your heels are digging on the carpeted ballroom

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY TO BE MORE OUTGOING!!

"pretend to wobble. it doesn't help that nothing can sink you."

oh okay makes sense

if you're gonna try and charm jungkook while trying to play it off as just being tipsy playfulness, atleast make it believable

hoseok snickers because this is just A+ content with the things that you choose to do in your way

shy girl with high alcohol tolerance mannn coming of age film writers would LOVE you ://

you're about to cross the distance between you and jungkook, but something knocks you on your shoulder with a gentle force that seemed intentional

is that-

hold on a second

"what a coincidence :O"

jimin?

jimin???

as in, wholesome yet slightly fuckboy-ish frat guy jimin???

he looks dashing and composed, meeting your eyes perfectly and he doesn't let your confusion startle him

"i know that look. what am i doing here?"

he says it eloquently as if he's practiced it

AND HE DID!!!

you must've looked so shocked that you immediately apologized, shaking your head no

"i-i didn’t mean-..."

you're confused, sure, but that doesn't mean you're immediately judging

it's just that you never saw jimin here or any function of the like, but you wouldn't put it past him if he does go to these things!!! he looks like a million dollars anyways

"relax, doll. you’re so far the only other person i know that i've seen in these type of things."

he looks calm and collected, but maybe that's just because he spent the last five minutes waiting for you to stand so he could bump into you

this place is just sO suffocating and a familiar face is gonna be his relief from something so fancy that it became mundane

"have we been in the same event before this?"

"not that i recall, no. i get invited but this is only the first time after awhile that i went."

jimin drinks from his champagne flute, wiggling his eyebrows playfully, "wanna know why i'm here?"

you're curious!!! what can you say!!!!

you never really interacted with jimin at all before this, but a familiar face like his is comforting

because hoseok's already engaged in another conversation and jungkook's,,,, being jungkook and is fawning all over jihye

jimin chuckles at your insistent nodding, leaning closer to whisper to your ear

"my stepdad’s loaded as fuck."

oh so that's why

he tugs you down to sit at the nearest possible empty chairs, all its occupants gone anyways because they're in the dancefloor busting tRULY horrendous moves

maybe it's because jimin feels lonely too like you are, and it's him feeling comfortable because he's pulled you like ten seconds ago and not once asked him anything out of bounds

maybe that's why he fell into conversation with you easily because you're always intently listening

"might love me as a real son too. maybe that’s a bonus? you don’t really expect that shit in the things you see."

this situation is actually pretty cute

you snort because maybe you’re nOT that shy when you drink,, that’s the only thing that changes in you probably

this whole conversation that sprung from boredom was unknowingly the subject of many stares, including jungkook who you were initially supposed to go to

“you’re worthy of love, jimin.”

:O

jimin sPITS his drink because where the fuck did THAT come from???

why did you say that and why does he feel that he needed to hear that

“i-i think — i think you need more,” he raises his own glass to your lips hurriedly, caught in surprise but you still gulp nonetheless

“you’re-“ you keep sputtering as he keeps making you drink, but he rubs circles on your back at the same time and it's when you realize that jimin the frat guy may not be that bad, “what??? don’t think you’re not the only one with daddy issues! shouldn’t we have like, a radar for each other?”

jimin snorts at your counter and his eyes crinkle to the point where he can't see anything, not being able to see how you're still trying to recover with all that fizz down your throat

wow ur really enjoyable to talk to

“you’re insane and i think-“

listen

you're not really big on feeling beyond a sense and all that stuff, but you feel as if the aura around you just got dark all of a sudden

"who are you calling insane?"

jungkook appears at your side in an instant, hands wrapped around your shoulders while you remain seated

you've honestly forgotten that you were supposed to go to jungkook, but you're reminded of that vERY clearly now

"go away, jimin," he mutters through his teeth, looking at him dead in the eye

hold on

wait

THAT'S JIMIN???

okay now he's confused

sometimes jungkook's mouth just moves on its own without loading the thought process

"why are YOU here?"

jimin furrows his brows, shocked that he'd even see jungkook here out of all people

the guy barely even attends classes!!! and that's coming from him!!

"why’s he here?"

he crouches to your ear, eyes still furrowed at the younger guy

"long story."

nO???

jungkook scowls bitterly because jesus fuck

YOU’RE ON WHISPERING TERMS NOW????

he left for one second, and the moment he comes back, that's when this fucking frat guy approaches you?? was he waiting on him to leave??

you and jungkook only act as a couple when the need arises, and even if you don't feel it, hE feels that this is the need!!! this is the need and it is arising!!!

"get back to uh, alpha bravo charlie or something, park. beat it."

why’s he reciting the nato phonetic alphabet???

jungkook sounds half-angry and half-sad at the same time, and you don't know which side should you focus on

“move,” he repeats this time again but more sternly, making jimin much more confused since jungkook's trying to pull him away from his seat

jimin doesn't budge and it makes the frown even more evident in jungkook's face

what is he FEELING

“can’t you tell that i really don’t want you to be here?”

“i’m not here for you, though. i’m here for y/n.”

he answers honestly, shis gut telling him that there's definitely something going on between the two of you

“y/n doesn’t want you here," kook argues back surely, only noticing your bitten lips now that makes him realize that you're not exactly sober; just a happy kind of rush

he sees you raise your hand timidly, an equally cheeky smile on your face that's only directed to jungkook like it's meant for him

"i-i actually don’t mind."

you don't,,,

you don't mind?

HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

why aren't you signaling him to commence the faux boyfriend act!!

"y/n has a boyfriend."

“... i’m not hitting on her.”

alright this is more than the entertainment that jimin wished for lol

“yeah, well she has a boyfriend still so beat it.”

you do??

the last time you checked, jihye's gonna have jungkook as her boyfriend within the night!!

“i don-“

ALRIGHT THEN

jimin decides to indulge jungkook, knocking his knee with yours as he winks slyly, urging you silently to watch on, turning to look at you and ask

“what’s your boyfriend’s name?”

you don't answer.

that gives him all the more reason to do so.

“last name, jeon.”

jungkook looks the most determined you've ever seen him, eyes characteristically angry with his arms across his chest that his suit tightens, “first name, me.”

....

......

the three of you know that’s not the truth

jimin takes it in, sighing when he sense that something else is about to be unfold and he does noT want to be a part of it

not before whispering to your ear again for the last time, of course

“pretty weird name if you ask me,” you laugh automatically, momentarily forgetting that jungkook's standing by you on just your opposite side and could hear you

he leaves and that only leaves you with jungkook, looking up at him as he's too frantic to even sit

“what are you doing?”

“being a social butterfly," you quip just as fast, drinking your water afterwards

jungkook only clenches his jaw by then, being taken-aback when you speak again

“who are you doing?”

://

“i’m busy being mad at- wait a minute, WHO???”

who instead of what??

the short-lived enthusiasm you had with jimin left with him, crashing just as hard when you're reminded of jungkook's presence

“jihye’s a pretty nice girl. you should go home early tonight.”

his brows furrow, trying to get you to look at him but you avoid his gaze insistently, “what? what are you talking about?”

“she’s not my girlfriend though.”

you're not at all satisfied with the answer because it sounds so wrong, knowing that jungkook's a handsome guy and everyone wants to be with him!!!

and he probably wants to be with everyone else besides you.

“then who-...”

“don’t know yourself anymore? jimin must’ve really swept you off your feet, huh?”

jungkook huffs as he qualifies for a rebutt, your internal wallowing being cut short

“he’s not my boyfriend.”

...

....

“well would you look at that,” jungkook snickers, sighing through his nose as your eyes finally meet his, directly stubborn yet soft around the edges

“she’s not my girlfriend, and he’s not your boyfriend. what a coincidence.”

god did he feel so threatened the moment his eyes couldn't find you besides hobi and instead next to jimin, eyes crinkled in laughter without hesitation

have you been chasing after one another this whole time?

jungkook silently grabs you by the hand and you wave no opposition to it

maybe it's your liquor-influenced vision or maybe it's you hyperfixating on such a warm moment, but your eyes immediately lock to see the matching red thread bracelet he wore like yours

you're dressed in next year's spring collection line, and the structured silk black gown that has a train behind it doesn't exactly scream to have a simple red thread bracelet as its accessory according to your mom's designer and everyone else —

but you don't have the heart to take it off

there's no need to take it off

jungkook drives your car and no one says a single thing about anything

his hand’s on your thigh and you don’t question it, eyes locking into the way his hand looks perfect and the way the bracelet looks meant to be wrapped in his wrist in the first place

you're sure this time that it's not the newfound courage you have, but rather the need to do it

you kiss jungkook's cheek on a red light.

it's on a red light that jungkook realizes he could fit the visage of his world within one hand, finally kissing you like he's always wanted to

“yeah. what a coincidence.”