#i just kind of went full ramble

[lyraeon]

at 20 I thought I was faking my depression and was "bad at life" and lazy like my family said. I still earnestly believed I was entirely straight and everyone knew girls are just nicer to look at. I still had a ton of ingrained racism and other bigotry from my Bush-worshipping family. My main dream of being an astronaut had been smashed by my anxiety and health problems, so I was trying to study Japanese because like every other weeb I thought I'd fit in better over there (lol), but I'd already flunked out of one college and been forced to quit another to get a second job. I was overdrawn constantly and often buying gas station gift cards at the grocery store so I'd only take one overdraft fee. I was dating someone horribly controlling who eventually earned the title "evil ex", dialed up my eating disorder, and traumatized me out of writing for 2+ years. I had several roommates because we all considered having the funds to go to anime conventions more important than personal space (and because back then we already thought $600/month was expensive). I spent any other free time half asleep at a friend's house cuz there I could play games and watch Intent videos. Half my meals came free from work, the rest were hacked together from stuff that worked out to $1/serving or so. The power or internet got turned off at least twice a year from non-payment.

at 25 I thought I was too depressed to deserve burdening others with my presence or existence. that I was a burden and purposeful downer and nothing would ever get better. I was still dealing with a ton of internalized transphobia, racism, and other bigotry that I had been taught was Just The Truth and still occasionally fall into. I was massively straight edge against weed and anything else (threatened to call cops on close friends) while also being a half bottle of vodka a day alcoholic just to get my brain to shut up enough to let me write or sleep. I didn't know how to have fun without alcohol, if at all. I had lost my ability to draw when I severely injured my wrist while i had no insurance. I tried going back to school, first for architecture then teaching, and flunked/dropped out of both. I was losing jobs every 6~8 months from being chronically late and being sick constantly. I manged to lose one on my birthday and wound up having to make some other tough choices because of it. I had only just reached the point where being overdrawn was a rare thing and I wasn't buying single gallons of gas with tip money. food was still often just ramen but I no longer had days where I didn't know if I'd get to eat, though I was often dependent on my then-bf. I had multiple teeth rotting and couldn't afford any treatment besides getting them pulled, and often not until they'd become infected.

by 30 I was finally on antidepressants and in therapy. I was on the road to physical therapy for shoulder and wrist injuries that had happened years earlier. I was pretty happy in my relationship. I held down one job for almost 3 years straight after getting medicated, then turned around and flunked/dropped out of college for the 5th time (Physics this time) because I was too anxious to take public transit reliably and STILL couldn't do homework anywhere but in class, so most projects never got done. I'd stopped being able to write (and am still running from the possibility my meds Took That from me because it doesn't come back if I stop them). Food had become a different struggle - I no longer had time, physical health, or executive function to cook reliably so I was spending too much on take out and causing wild fluctuations in my weight. I was hiding my eating disorder from my partner and my friends. I had begrudgingly un-estranged myself from my family to support younger cousins as they came out as queer. I had developed a healthier relationship with alcohol. I had accepted that, outside of addiction, drugs are a bodily autonomy thing and stopped being an ass to people about them. I had finally learned some damn etiquette around things like not accidentally outing people. I started streaming and making videos - stuff I had dreamed of since first watching Dead Fantasy and Red vs Blue and Weeblstuff in high school but had thought impossible after I lost the ability to draw.

I'm currently 35. This year I am living on my own for the first time (aside from 5 failed months at 18). I got divorced - a complicated, regretful process that was ultimately for the best but I could and should have handled better (and sooner). I've been in physical therapy long enough that I'm able to use chopsticks properly again and am thinking of trying to relearn drawing. It's also meant I can do the dishes and wash my hair on my own again, most days, so I'm relearning how to cook consistently. I'm reading (listening to) books again. I'm on year 8 of antidepressants and currently working with my doctor to fine tune what I'm on (and finally have a system to take them consistently). I've been diagnosed with ADHD and figured out I might also be autistic, and a lot of things in my life make way more sense when viewed through that context. I have appointments to get evaluated for ADHD meds, autism, shoulder surgery/other "PT isn't enough" treatments, teeth implants, and new glasses. my clothes have been put away 3 of the last 5 times I did laundry and I've learned that if I only own one dishwasher worth of dishes, the sink can't pile up. I've fully embraced that I'm polyamorous, pansexual, and demiromantic, and that I can be cis while also being "gender agnostic" - none of it really matters or processes to me, but I get that it does to others so I respect it. I'm seeing someone who makes me feel like I can do anything, is inspiringly ambitious themself, and is equally polyam, meaning I might also be asking out a cute girl soon and don't know where board game nights with the nice throuple I met might go. I'm having to do odd jobs and accept help from my dad to make ends meet, but I'm arguably a full time content creator now - something I literally didn't even let myself dream about when I was younger because it felt impossible, but which is fully worth the complications and budget crunching because it's so accommodating to my disabilities and uses so many of my talents. I'm still depressed, but I have hope that ADHD treatment will help cut through the remainder. Most days I just have hope, period. And more days than not, I'm genuinely happy for at least a while.

You'll find yourself.

It might take a while. There will be detours, mistakes, pain, tough choices, and a lot of hard work. But there will also be unexpected joys and more possibilities than you ever imagined.

Someday, you'll find yourself.

And when you do, it will be worth the wait, I promise.

[harrowscore]

can't believe a show based on a videogame (usually games adaptations are notoriously bad, which isn't the case here tho) gave me the beauty and the beast/twisted mirrors/enemies to traveling companions/ruthless antihero+optmistic but still badass heroine who takes none of his shit/age gap but make it sexy dynamic of my dreams. as much as i love maximus and i think he deserves the best writing ever because 1. he's a clever deconstruction of the aspiring Knight bro who's actually a bit of a loser and, as much as lucy, sees the world in black&white at first and then doesn't get what he thought he wanted but what he needs (or at least i hope he'll eventually get it), and 2. he's a cutie and i want an epic love story for him too, it's very funny how they tried to give us a puppy kind of romance and the tumblr girlies still fixated on the "toxic ~she bites his finger off and he cuts hers off and sews it on his hand in what we'll pretend it's a symbolic marriage rings exchange or whatever~ asshole who used to be a nice guy/good girl™ with a lot of spunk and hidden anger but unshakeable morals" kind of relationship.

[system-architect]

i've been getting heavily back into gw2 RP lately and i've noticed an increasing amount of gw2 rp events popping up, so i wanna give some unsolicited advice that has helped me grow as a roleplayer + have More Fun roleplaying, in the hopes it helps spark that in other folks too:

1 - follow the "yes, and" rule of improv! RP is all improv! "yes, and" basically means accepting/listening to what your improv partner has said, and then building on it. in a roleplay setting, this can mean having yourself + your character consider and internalize what the other person has said, and then building off of it with their own dialogue/reaction/proposal/etc. it does not mean agreeing with the other character, it means trying to not let the scene die right there even if your character would ordinarily do something like just walk off or ignore the other person.

you sometimes have to force your character to be ever-so-slightly ooc in order to do "yes, and", but it is SUPER worth it. RP is often like you and your partner laying out a series of little tom and jerry mousetraps full of lore and character development and conflict for the other person to step in. try ur best to both step in them and also keep laying them out for the other person, and you will have fun!

2 - fully allow your character to be stupid, embarrassing, make incorrect assumptions, get into trouble, get in over their head, be outmatched, have too much confidence, bite off more than they can chew, and generally fail at things. you can still have a "cool" character in spite of all of these things-- but failure can be fun, and helps make interactions more realistic

2a - relatedly, at all costs, avoid seeing RP as a 'game' that can be 'won' by either character or player. this one should be obvious, but a lot of people behave like this reflexively especially if they're worried about the 'coolness' or 'power level' of their character becoming compromised, so it's good to be aware of. this can kill people's desire to RP with you very very quickly

3 - be aware that your character will, or should!!, grow and change over time as you write and rp them more. if you're sitting there thinking through your next emote and you get a wild idea in your head, or you look at what you just hit enter on and thought "wow, they're acting kind of different, is this too OOC"... consider for a second if it's just a new, unexpected Thing about your character surfacing due to the rp! seeing your little brain guy evolve from a couple paragraph backstory pitch into a fully fleshed out person full of surprises is part of the fun! embrace it! ...and if it IS too much, you can always try to fix it in future rps haha

4 - last, but not least... COMMUNICATE! get to know your partner and their visions for their characters, and their inspirations, the types of stories they like, and so on. make sure you have a firm idea of the sorts of boundaries you want to lay out in your RP-- are either of you cool with injuries, your characters knowing secret backstory details about each other, romance/flirting, lore bending/breaking, and so on! don't be afraid to ask them in party chat before you hit send on something if it feels like it pushes a line, and absolutely bring up any cool ideas you get, too!

[outeremissary]

Can't believe after a uhhhh four or five year hiatus (Jesus Christ.) I might be DMing my old Strahd game again.

[ickmick]

woke up (more like crawled out of bed after an all nighter) with the sudden requirement to draw impulse- its going great /gen

look at this happy fella, hes so full of whismey !!

[good-beans]

🌻

[snatcher-no-snatching]

Finds and reads my old ahit fanfic while cleaning out my docs on the train home like damn this shit fire why didn't the authour continue it

[songofsaraneth]

real gnawing on the walls of my enclosure kinda night

[enigma-absolute]

…

[bhaalsdeepbat]

i literally walked into this space knowing NO ONE, sat off to the side and told them, "I'm sorry, I'm like a cat. I have to just watch for a second, then I'll socialize more." and like. the entire group was just like YEAH MAKES SENSE. no one took it wrong. they just let me observe until i was ready to mesh in more. and now almost two years later I am now burrowed so deeply into this troupe that i wouldn't have the friends or opportunities i have without it.

[veshialles]

girl in red was right, they are so pretty in their button up shirts

[arrowpunk]

Guess who learned this morning that she apparently has selective amnesia

[freckleslikestars]

The kids I teach think I’m magic because I have a puzzle ring that falls apart when I take it off but stays together when I wear it. It’s just very sweet.

[godhasforsnakenme]

BOOK REVIEW 📖

This is the one for February – I was reminded of this book half way through the month and decided to reread it again because I couldn't remember how it ended; plus a short mystery is always nice to read (side note: this ended up as an ebook read bc I couldn't remember where in my storage boxes I have my copy – it's in storage because it's a paperback edition and old and I don't want it to die on me yet lol)

[arolesbianism]

Every now and then I remember that oni in fact will eventually have more lore added and I get so excited and scared for a moment and then I remember that it could take months until we see any of that and I proceed to forget abt it again and the cycle repeats

[andyouloveme]

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