#i just want to be happy with meaningful connections and not scared and not whatever the hell is going on with me today

[quitedisastrous]

life was so much easier three days ago when i was detaching myself from reality and spending all of my free time shiny hunting

[thequietkid-moonie]

Could you possibly do some scenarios (if you're still doing scenarios) for Peko Pekoyama, Mondo Owada, and Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu (separately) with a shy friend who hides behind them?

Their shy friend hides behind them

[ SCENARIO ] [ Mondo, Peko, Fuyuhiko ]

[ Trigger Happy Havoc ] [ Goodbye Despair ]

CUTEEEEEE!!! This request is so cuteeee <333 annon thank you so much for requesting this, its so wholesome, so cute, so fluffy

I absolutely loved writing this so i hope you enjoy it too 🩷🩷

Mondo Owada

To become friends with Mondo is a bit problematic at first, there was the problem that Mondo didn't understood well what you tried to tell him at first due your shyness, not speaking in a high or steady voice used to irritante him and end up coming across as rude, however with some time and patience you two can actually become really close friends since no matter how intimidating Mondo may look like he is actually kind-hearted

Even after becoming close friends Mondo sometimes still accidently yell at you when your shyness makes dificult for you to speak up or stops you from doing something you actually want to do, but not because he is mad at you but because he feels frustrated, he feels irritated by seeing you struggle so much because he wished he could do more for you, after all, thats what friends are for

Thats why when you end up hidding behind him out of shyness he feels flattered and even proud! The first time have caught him out of guard to the point that he had to ask you what you were doing but when the dots connect in his mind he feels a protective instict inside of him

There is a unspoken deal with you and Mondo where he is fine with you hiding behind him for whatever reason you want and he will not ask and simply shield you, he just feels proud and somewhat comforted that you feel so safe with him so he just let you do it and simply ask you about it when you are more calm (not always tho, once he get used to it he simply dont ask your reasons)

It doesn't matter if you hide because you are feeling shy, overwhelmed or even scared Mondo will shield you without a second thought, although if you feel scare he will get even more protective over you but aside from that he will just make sure to cover you so you can have a moment to try to calm down, he doesn't really mind and don't mentionate, but if you do he will get a little embarrassed (specially if you try to thank him, he just grow even more embarrassed and insist that is nothing you have to worry about before trying to change the subject)

Peko Pekoyama

Peko is a person who is dificult to aproach thanks to her intimidating appariance but she is actually incredibly caring and even quite gentle, she may have troubles making friends but that doesn't mean she doesn't want them

In all honestly Peko doesn't really mind much the fact that you are shy, it doesn't bother her and simply tries to be patient with you when your shyness hinder your freedom to communicate, still it is quite the surprise for her to be able to become friends with someone so shy but she doesn't question it and simply enjoy being with you

Peko simply gets used to your shyness and even become quite protective over you, she sees herself as a weapon and her sword exist to protect the ones she care for, so once you grow close enough to be considerate a friend then her sword will be there to protect you too, Peko herself has the impulse to step infront of you whenever you feel treated or overwhelmed so when you end up hidding behind her it isn't taken as something weird but at the same time it is something incredibly meaningful for her

Peko has the mindset to protect those who she cares for but knowing that you actually know that she is there for you and even relay in her when needed it is quite comforting to her, you have put your trust on her and even tell her indirectly that you feel safe with her, so she will not betray that trust for nothing in this world

Actually it can be a little problematic hidding behind her because Peko takes it too serious, even if it was just because you were feeling too shy and needed a moment to yourself now Peko is acting almost like a bodyguard, making sure no one gets too close and that no one bothers you while you can calm down, and if it is because somehow you feel threaten then she is too close to take her sword and get into a fight

Peko takes it so serious that when you finally feel more calm and are ready to come out again she makes sure to ask you how are you feeling and if you are sure, and even when you confirm she still keeps an eye on you just because she is worried that something really bad have happened, she will apologize for overreacting if you point it out but will also shyly admit how happy she is to know that you trust her that much

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu

Despite being quite intimidating and short-tempered Fuyuhiko actually is kind hearted and caring, the one who is the most surprised to end up having a shy friend is Fuyuhiko himself but once you two grow closer he makes sure you know he is there for you and that he appreciate your friendship (even if he is too embarrassed to say it out loud)

Because of his family and the way he have been living his entire life Fuyuhiko constantly takes your shyness as innocence wich only lead him to want to protect you, he just sees himself as being so diferent from you that he wants to protect that innocence from the cruel world he knows, so even if he tent to yell when he feels embarrassed or quickly get irritated whenever thanks to your shyness you have dificulties to speak or do some things he is actually trying to help you to gain more confidence on yourself

Even so Fuyuhiko doesn't actually wants to change who you are, he just try to push you a little to gain more confidence to speak up for yourself just so you aren't defensless in the world, and yet he has no problems to speak up and even defend you whenever you are having troubles due your shyness

The first time you end up hiding behind him because you felt overwhelmed and just couldn't get out of your shyness or even because something scared you Fuyuhiko is in shock, its just that a lot of thoughts are running throught his mind to even be able to say something and yet he would snap quick and yell at anyone or anything that is bothering you (before scolding you for simply hidding, specially behind him)

Despite his initual reaction it isn't like Fuyuhiko mind it much, the more it happen the more he grows used to be your shield to whatever is bothering you, and he even end up reaction pretty defensive whenever you hide behind him, he just grow used to simply don't say anything about it until he made sure no one is looking or you two are alone to look back and ask you if you are alright, he cares for you and always gets worried whenever you hide behind him but doesn't want to admit it in front of others

Also, he will not admit it out loud but the fact that you feel so safe with him to the point of hiding behind him is quite comforting to him, it makes him feel like he is doing something good, if you trust him that much then he is not that bad

[im-not-a-ghost]

No contact : what the heck is going on?

Pick one or several of the following emojis to find out about your reading content. This reading is going to be a bit unusual because the deck I am using is actually a game for children. A card represents a word or an idea. There is just the image. No words, no numbers. So based on the image combinations you get, I will try to channel the messages meant for you to hear.

1 📣 2 🎰 3💥 4💫

Group 1 📣

The person you were thinking of may have put a hold on the connection to take care of themselves. They are currently traveling or they intend to. They need to recharge their batteries. This person has been giving a lot of their time and efforts to make other people happy. They are exhausted. They wish to rest and indulge in some leisure time. They wish they could stop being a door mat for everyone to walk on. They feel like they can’t express their true self. They are tired of pretending like everything is fine. They feel like they can’t afford rest. When it comes to you and the connection, this person gets cold feet. They don’t know what to do or where to go. What is going on around them takes so much space in their life that they don’t have much energy left to spend with you. To them you are like that pot of jelly or that warm chocolate bowl : so sweet and tempting, so vital. You bring them comfort and a sense of home but at the same time they are scared of what that means. They are running out of gas. They may be Dre pressed or going through a burn out. Hence the lack of communication. They are trying to get back on track by stepping away for a time. They don’t want you to see that side of them.

Group 2 🎰

The person you were thinking of could be an artist and/or enjoys partying. This person could have recently been on a trip. The reason why there is no contact at the moment is because they are either sick and/or injured. If not, this person needed to heal something or someone. With the chick and the trumpet player, I get the message of someone being a bit vulnerable but wanting to show no weakness and appear stronger. The chick also reminds me of communicating. Because birds always chirp, this makes me think of throat chakra. With the hospital, I get the idea of someone have throat ache or issues related to their voice. They may have needed to take time off to undergo a surgery or to get a medical appointment. With the car and the horse, I get the idea of someone being restless. Wanting to get away from this situation quickly and get back to business. I also get the energy of someone being reckless. Maybe this person got injured practicing a physical activity. The combination of the matching game, the guitar and the necklace, I get the message of someone wanting to connect the dots and get closer to what is meaningful to them. Music is precious to this person and so are you. If they can’t communicate with you properly, this person will use music to convey their feelings.

Group 3 💥

Seeing the butter card I immediately thought of BTS lmao Once again there are music references in a reading. Also, either one or both of you may be French, wants to go to or has been in France. To be honest with you, there is a lot of chemistry and sexual tension going on. This person is refraining from contacting you in an attempt to resist temptation. That ain’t working well lmao Cause they are running in circles and really wanting to jump on the first occasion they get to interact with you. You might invite this person for your birthday or they are waiting for your birthday to surprise you with something. The combination of the cherries and the lace gives me really sensual vibes. They may want to get closer to you and the way they do it may be a bit rough 😂 With the firefighter and the lit birthday cake, I feel like they wish they weren’t so attracted to you. They wish they could extinguish whatever is going on because it eats them alive. The last card on the bottom right makes me think that you or this person could be working with children or wants children. This person is attracted to your soft side and your childlike personality which may be something you have in common. The fox makes me think that they are prying on you frequently. Even if they don’t talk to you, they closely watch you.

Group 4💫

The person you are thinking of lives at a distance from you. This person is afraid of falling in love and being intimate with you. A part of them wants to make a move but another would rather safely hide away. They wish that they were more courageous and that this connection would be more fruitful. They are aware of your needs for communication and more substance. If they could, they would run straight to you. But there are annoying flies surrounding the connection. Meaning, people are getting in the way, buzzing in their ear about what they should or shouldn’t do, about what they think of you. This person misses you. They think of you. They know your plate is missing on the table. They feel empty without you around. But in order to see clearly and cut the noise, they had to get away. This person needs to isolate in order to determine what their needs are and listen to their own voice instead of the constant buzzing and chirping of others. They need to determine in this cacophony of opinions, what is essential to them. Only then can they make a move.

[seriouslysam8]

How long would it take Harry to warm up to Sirius had he gone to live with him immediately after meeting him? Obviously by the time he moves in with Sirius in Brumous he's been getting to know him for a year and a half. So how timid and scared would he be had he lived with him starting the summer after PoA. Also would Sirius start out of Azkaban for muggle baiting/murder lol

So by the time Brumous starts, Sirius has already proven to Harry that he’s a father figure. I mean, he lived in a cave and survived off rats for Harry. If that doesn’t prove you love someone unconditionally, then I don’t know what does. He trusts Sirius. He seeks out his advice. He wants to protect Sirius. When his world is going to shit and he’s facing expulsion, he just wants assurance that he’ll stay with Sirius.

At the end of POA, Harry views Sirius as a connection to his family. He’s giddy with the prospect of having a connection with James through Sirius. They don’t know each other at this point, but Sirius has already given Harry a lot of say. Primarily, Harry gets to decide Peter’s fate. This has to speak volumes to Harry to have an adult consider his opinion and actually accept it.

I feel like this would spark Harry to want to do no wrong if he’s living with Sirius. He wouldn’t want to anger Sirius or burden Sirius. He’s just happy to live in Sirius’ orbit and gets scraps of information - more than he ever received from the Dursleys. He doesn’t know how a real parent is supposed to act, he’s had such a terrible example.

I picture him as trying to figure out what his chores are, how to earn his keep. His room is always clean because wait, he has a fucking room and he’s allowed to decorate it any way he wants?? He’s very agreeable. Whatever Sirius suggests, yeah, that sounds good. He’s always cleaning up after meals, offering to help cook, wiping down counters. This is just so engrained into Harry that this is his job. It has to disturb Sirius just a tad.

I also picture him as avoiding Sirius a lot. He’s used to being alone and used to not being allowed to ask questions. Even when Harry is comfortable with Sirius in OOTP, you really don’t see him having long chats with Sirius about his parents or anything like that. It isn’t until Harry’s having a crisis after viewing that unfavorable memory of James does Harry go to Sirius to ask a question. So it’s not like they’re going to sit down and Harry’s going to ask a billion questions and discover all about his family. But he perks up whenever Sirius makes some offhanded comment, wishing he’d continue but not daring to ask him to.

I don’t think they’d have any major conflicts that first summer or butt heads. They’re both too anxious to screw up this relationship and it means a lot to both of them. I don’t see them truly getting comfortable with one another until the events of fourth year unfold. Sirius being overly protective, Harry being annoyed and stressed, the two of them just becoming comfortable enough to start voicing their opinions and disagreeing more.

By the summer after fourth year, especially if everything unfolded relatively the same in canon, they’re tight like they are currently in Brumous. They’re affectionate and they have long meaningful talks. They are father and son.

[smithysmith77]

Things I wish someone had told me about having a baby

*solely based on my own experience and not with the expectation that everyone's experience will be the same!*

Induction can take days

Induction can give you false contractions that really hurt

Epidural gave me uncontrollable shivering and pins and needles on my entire lower body but I'm glad I got it as it helped me stay calm and in a positive mood

If you get an epidural they will put in a bladder catheter and afterwards you can't feel your bladder and have to try really really hard to pee, because the urge to go isn't there. Very weird

Your butt region can hurt more than your vaginal region after giving birth/tearing

Bring soap/body wash. You will be covered in so many fluids after birth and I forgot to pack soap. Had to settle for a really good rinse.

Your milk won't be in right away and babies usually drink colostrum instead. HOWEVER sometimes colostrum isn't enough and if your baby is crying at the breast, turning bright red all over and hasn't peed, they are probably dehydrated and they need some formula! (Forever grateful to the nurse that told me this and fed him because I had no idea what was wrong)

Babies have the instinct to breastfeed but not necessarily the technique. My son was really bad at it for a while. We kept trying and it got better, but sometimes it doesn't and it is OK to do formula or pumping if it makes things easier for you!

People downplay the "baby blues" because they don't want to scare you but like. Wow. I wish I had done more to make things easier for myself beforehand, like clean the house, meal prep, etc. You don't believe it but you really won't have the time/ability for a while. Set up visits with your support people as soon as you can. I really needed them.

Everyone says, "It gets better! You got this! You're a great mom!" Which are true! BUT I feel like no one gave me actual concrete coping methods for when you're living minute by minute IN the anguish. So I'll share what helped me:

- the thoughts/mantras "I don't *have* to do this, I *get* to do this. This experience is a privilege. "

-And, "You can do hard things. Just do the next hard thing. "

Freaking podcasts. Ugh. Saved my sanity to hear sane, rational, interesting, funny adults talking in my ear when I was caught in the monotony and chaos of the newborn phase. You won't have two hands to read a book or even look at your phone a lot of the time. TV is fine for some but I found I liked something portable that kept my eyes free to watch my baby.

Walking with baby. There will be times when they will just cry, it's normal, safe and mundane. But it can be extremely triggering if you're not used to dealing with it. I used to get so panicked when I ran out of things to do to keep my son happy. That feeling of not knowing what to do was worse than the crying. After a couple months I learned to just start walking when we got to that point. Babies love it and it usually helped relive gas etc and put him to sleep eventually.

If you can, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. So many times it calmed my son down just to have a change of scenery, and helped me from going stir crazy and/or breaking down.

It affects your relationship, if you're in one. I couldn't sleep in the same bed as my husband for two months and when we did interact it was often rushed or interrupted. Try as hard as you can to carve out a few moments of meaningful connection time. Go on dates, even just for an hour, if you have someone who can babysit.

You will need help. Some moms just want someone to hold the baby for a bit so they can make a meal, meditate, whatever. Some moms want to hold their babies while someone else does the dishes or makes them a meal. I know not everyone has close friends and family but people do tend to come out of the woodwork when you have a baby and I encourage you, unless you think the person is unsafe to be around, take their offers of help. You have to put on your own life vest first, you know? A mom that's at her wits end is better than no mom but a mom that's feeling healthy is even better. Let people help you, if you can.

Good luck ♡

[flowerandblood]

Hello, once more! I am here to leave my last and final Review for your amazing story Rage |Revange | Relief <3 this has been so much fun to reread and be able to analyze and appreciate these characters for what they are and I'm so happy I've had the chance to write these up. Having said that, let's get started!

Final Chapter (4) : " He pressed his lips together, trying not to cry, thinking that since he had lost his eye he had never been more vulnerable. "

This is such a gratifying moment to watch unfold, emotions wise. Because in the beginning of the story we see aemond struggling with feeling exactly as he did. He feared it so much that he couldn't allow himself to feel anything at all. And now, nearing the end of the story, so many emotions are running through him that his walls completely crumbled and he is now in a point of his life where he is the very person he was scared of allowing himself to be.

I'm telling you, the way his growth and development is written and portrayed is truly beautiful to watch unfold. It's subtle to the point of it being so believable, I might as well be reading someone's actual diary and reading their own emotions and actions on paper.

" He was horrified by how helpless and pathetic his voice sounded, her hand clasped tightly in his, he felt her looking at him, felt her crying too.

[ . . . ]

He covered his face with his hand, trying to calm himself, breathing deeply, thinking only of the warmth of her skin, her thumb stroking the back of his hand. "

And just having the Mc by his side, to not just comfort him but be vulnerable with him- WITH HIM- it further enforces that everything he was feeling is valid and is okay to feel. That he doesn't need to hold everything in and be angry, that he can also be weak and in a vulnerable state of mind and still be loved.

This starting scene is honestly such a great representation of their relationship as a whole. It shows how strong their bond is, how meaningful this connection is to them for them and how they are more than their shitty situations in life. In a sense, he ended up getting exactly what he wanted but not in the way he expected. He wanted to be like the Mc so badly but thanks to the Mc loving him for himself and expecting nothing in return, it allowed him to grow into his own version, his own person filled with warmth he can now give without feeling like it makes him look pitiful.

And that is just beautiful.

I'm also loving how Viserys is portrayed in this story. It's very small interaction and mentions of him but in a sense I can see this being almost Canon? It's hard not to find stories in which viserys isn't straight up a biased unfavorable father figure and so seeing this change was very pleasent. It shows that even if he doesn't hold any favorable feelings towards aemond, or perhaps even going through his own things that disallows him from giving his full fatherly support, he still is a parent and very much acts the part irregardless of whatever sentiments might be between him and his other children ( I know the other targ siblings aren't mentioned in this story but if we were to base this off Canon show/book viserys, this is a very believable portrayal of him).

" "I love you too." She mumbled out as if relieved, as if she understood in that moment that it wasn't all for nothing.

That they had done it not to get revenge on them.

That they just wanted to be together. "

" "Well, Alicent, they're of age and, from what I understand, you haven't managed to marry your still recent bodyguard in those few months, according to that, in the eyes of the law - and to my knowledge - they are complete strangers to each other, young people in love. My son wants to live with me and she wants to live with him, so it is not a kidnapping. I don't know what to tell you. As if to say - it's not our problem." He said and hung up, putting the phone down. He looked at him thoughtfully, but his words were not directed to him, but to his girlfriend. "

Viserys dropping tea and lore in one phone call - cause he ate that! Love that for them.

" "I don't know. I'm just…" He sighed heavily, running his hand over his face. "…I'm just happy with her, Dad. She's the only one who understands me. She's the only one who can comfort me or reassure me. Why should I give that up? Because they will be uncomfortable?" He asked angrily, feeling a burning wetness under his eyelids. "

Aemond finally voices what he wants, which is a want that is not destructive but a genuine want for his own good. His own happiness and being able to voice this to the parent he doesn't even have that close of a relationship with just further demonstrates how far he has gone to growing into the person he now is. He can now voice his weakness without feeling like he will be looked down upon or that he should feel bad about it. Because he now has something, someone, to let it all down for.

And then- the Mc confronts her dad. Which is also a great show of growth from her character compared to when the first chapter showed her just trying to keep the peace between her parents, dealing with the chaos that had led to an uncomfortable tension with both her parents and basically being the child in the middle of something that was never her fault to begin with. We finally see her speaking up and now allowing her dad to push this image he has of his little girl onto her. She is standing her ground, showing that she isn't a child but a person who has emotions and wants as well. Who doesn't wish to be defined by what her parents paint her as. Her dad as his little girl and her mom as a betrayer and an outlet to vent her frustrations over her broken relationship. She finally put her own happiness first just as aemond is doing and seeing them doing it together is so heart touching.

The rest of the story is just so sugar rottening sweet, I love it. I love the way they start to redeveloped their own little routines but in a space where they don't have to pretend or hide where they stand with one another. How their sexual life has went from being thrilling and forbidden to tender, passionate and loving. And omg, the scene with Daeron was so cute 🥹

Also the final smut scene after everything that has happened makes me giggle because then using their "code names" during it is basically symbolism to them pointing the middle finger at their past and now being able to laugh and play cheeky over it. It's just their own inner joke in their own world.

" "Marry me." "

OMGOMGOMG

I genuinely loved this so much. This has become my comfort fic and the raw emotions that this brought out is just so beautifully created.

Overall, the story building, the character development and in depth depictions of what makes these characters who they are is honestly astounding. You did an amazing job, I'm honestly honored to have read this. Please never stop writing, you truly have a gift worth sharing and appreciating.

That ending was so heart warming and was the cherry on top of an amazing story 💖 I can not wait to read more of your stories in the future and hopeful get the chance to drop back in with another review as well, have an a great day/night and take care, sweetie <3

First of all - thank you for such a deep analysis of this mini-series (I love it and I keep coming back to it) - I don't think anyone has ever done such a thorough analysis of any of my fics and I am very, very happy that you decided to do it! All your comments are very, very accurate.

Aemond treats Vierys as his last resort and he doesn't know until the very end whether his father will help him, which is why he is so terrified. It turns out that at the moment of his second greatest drama in life, his father finally rises to the occasion, and what's more, it turns out that he is on his side and is not passive.

In the last chapter, he and mc are not random people, but someone between whom there is a bond, related not only to their experiences, but also to the fact that they have supported each other over the past weeks and discovered that being together they are happy and finally feel at peace .

So they come to the right conclusion that they have to cut themselves off from what was poisoning them and together do what they did not have the strength to do separately, afraid of loneliness - to stand up and leave.

Knowing that they have each other, they don't feel abandoned or lost, they don't think about whether they will regret it, because they know they won't. Aemond wants to marry her for two reasons - because he feels she is his soul mate, and secondly because, at least in my country - if Alicent and Criston got married, Aemond and mc would no longer be able to do so due to legal affinity.

So, Aemond and she have to be faster, then Criston and Alicent won't be able to legally marry. Just a little pinch in the nose for them.

Thank you so, so much and if you ever feel like sharing such thoughts with me again, please feel free to do so, it was wonderful to read and I want more! It's moments like these that make me want to write, thank you! 💖💖💖

[misshappilyfading]

a long, totally non-psychotic, mini(?) rant about the beatles that's too long and embarrassing for twt

okay so i've recently come out of a SECOND months-long stint of...kim heechul/suju stuff and it's left me kinda...lacking something to fixate on. so rn my temp fix is...the beatles?? and like i've liked their music since i was a little kid, but i haven't had an extended phase of listening to their music since like..10th grade? so this is kinda weird and embarrassing to me but whatever, here are some of my favorite songs by them and why in no particular order!

twist and shout - highlight here besides the gen early 60s feel and 100% john's vocals. there's something really refreshing(?) and youthful about the way he yells the entire song. and ofc the "woooo"s + head shakes are so cute

she loves you - yeah yeah yeah

paperback writer - idk it's a classic

day tripper - idk it's a classic + the fucking GUITAR RIFF

can't buy me love - idk it's a classic. earworm

a hard day's night - idk IT'S A CLASSIC

i feel fine - the pep. the harmonies. im in love with her and i feel fine

eight days a week - sweet song. makes you feel good

i'm a loser - that first harmony just snatches you in. idc. i get it i love it

help! - the 2nd song i consciously knew was by the beatles and i liked it loads more than "i wanna hold your haaaaaaand". i like the bridge the most

yellow submarine - it's in my range and probably by 2nd favorite ringo song? and it's silly

taxman - shit slaps. one of my fav harrison songs. "yeaaaaahhhh the taxmaaaan" is up there for me

here, there, and everywhere - i cried. hard. twice. i tear up thinking about this song. idk how you can go through life normally knowing paul mccartney wrote this about you

i'm only sleeping - hear this for the first time recently and it reminded me of sleeping sun by coldplay and some popular US songs from the 90s...

good day sunshine - lol another i heard in a CM at some point but did not know it was the beatles...it's happy i like it

and your bird can sing - but you don't get me. but you don't get. meeeeee. i can't believe john hate this?? it's so good??? the fucking guitars like???

hello, goodbye - first heard this in the 2007 target commercial. loved it ever since. i really like all of it but the "she says why and i say i don't know" and "why why whywhywhywhy do you say goodbye goodbyeeeeeebyebyebyebye" are stand out parts to me!

back in the ussr - fun : )

glass onion - that fucking recorder towards the end. amazing

blackbird - one of those songs you hear so randomly just..around that you forget/don't know it's the beatles

while my guitar gently weeps - liked this one as a kid when i was feeling emo lololol. good song though : )

[faves from rubber soul, sgt pepper's, and abbey road get their own section (bc these are the only albums i've listened to all the way through...)]

songs that i don't really like but are meaningful in some way

i want to hold your hand - probably the first beatles song i ever heard? or at least consciously knew was by the beatles. bc my kindergarten music teacher made us learn the lyrics and sing it in class

eleanor rigby - ik this is a popular song but the first time i heard it was when my 3rd grade teacher played it backwards to show us how the beatles were connected to the illuminati and devil worship so. i still feel uneasy whenever i hear it. can't sit through the whole song :(

do you want to know a secret - okay i actually don't dislike this song, it's just that i listened to it so much during like 8th/9th grade that im tired of hearing it. still a good song though

yesterday - again it's not that i hate it or anything but lol it's overplayed. meaningful bc it's one of those songs you know at least a few words to even if you haven't heard the whole thing (which i have. too many times.)

all you need is love - not bad but a commercial song in my mind

i am the walrus - scared me as a child but i don't hate it now. coo-coo-kachoo

strawberry fields forever - scared me as a child but i don't hate it now

happiness is a warm gun - super mixed feelings. is it about heroin? sex with yoko ono? are one of those options actually better than the other??? but i fuck with the ending "happinessssss bang bang shoog shoog"

get back/don't let me know/let it be - mixed feelings so i have to be in a specific mood to listen to these

rubber soul (favorites in bold)

drive my car - not my favorite but i loooove the "beep beep beep beep yeah"

norwegian wood - one of the one's i did not listen to as child but as of literally yesterday, i love it. wish it were not inspired by affairs but. like damn the sitar. the general vibes. isn't it good? norwegian wood

you won't see me - i like it. for years i had only heard the chorus so the actual song was a bit different than i'd expected but it's good. "you refuse to even listeeeeen" i like. also the gradual tempo shift!! oooooooo lalala

nowhere man - WOW. okay so when i was little and heard a snippet of the chorus, i had 0 interest in listening to the full song. yesterday, though, that fucking intro caught me so off guard. the slight beachy vibes. paul calling this an "anti-john song" like wow. it's just a 10/10 laaaaaaaalalalalala

think for yourself - rock band trailers fucked this up for me a bit bc i always expect it to lead into the wait chorus. the actual chorus fucks though. i like it

the word - she's silly. she's 60s. she's pop. not my favorite, but those harmonies on "so fine" and "sunshine". man

michelle - loved this since i was 10. it's calming, it fucks. i don't fuck with french but. "until i do im hoping you will know what i mean" and "I LOVE YOUUUUUU" and the guitar solo. the fucking tempo shift

what goes on - ...country. hear fairly often as a kid though but didn't know it was beatles

girl - another one i had no interest in (and was slightly scared of) as a kid based on the chorus but oof. love the comparison between this and michelle. we live for europeans being european in different flavors. also this songs feels like drugs. could be hallucinating but it feels like there's a sliiiight tempo shift here too? or at least it feels like it slows juuuust a bit

i'm looking through you - arguably my favorite beatles song as a child. had me in a chokehold in 2009. "why why tell me why did you not treat me right?" "your lips are moving i cannot heard your voice is soothing but the words aren't clear"

in my life - much much more appreciated now that im older. didn't listen to this much when i was little but i've always always loved the riff and ending. maybe one of my favorite song endings ever

wait - something is kinda catchy about it. idk

if i needed someone - 60s feel. the harmonies are so nice. this is like an honorable mention for me

run for your life - ah nothing like references to violence against women to bring out that 60s feeling : ) shame the chorus is so catchy

sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band

splhcb - yes. billyyyyyyyy shearsssssssssss

with a little help from my friends - YES. probably my favorite ringo song "do you neeeeeeeed anybody?"

lsd - not my favorite. drugs are bad. however i listened to this once when i was extremely drunk (i don't do any other drugs so) and i kinda got it? still not my favorite though

getting better - ah nothing like reference to violence against women to bring out that 60s feeling : ) paul is cute "me hiding me head in the sand" i really like this song but jesus john. i just it's better to admit and ask for forgiveness but. lord. but yeah this is a song that like...jabs you musically from the outset

fixing a hole - actually obsessed. this slaps, it fucks, it calms you down, hypes you up. im right where i belonggggg. that fucking guitar solo

she's leaving home - had only heard a bit of the chorus as a kid. was NOT expecting the entire song to sound how it does. cried on one listen. very beautiful

being for the benefit of mr. kite - the thing i like the most about this is the title

within you within out - ummm couldn't make it through the whole thing. christian upbringing means it gives me hives a little

when i'm sixty four - i liked it as a kid, i like it now. i will always be a supporter of paul's granny shit. it's cute. honorable mention for me

lovely rita - words cannot express how much i like this song. i liked it as a kid, i LOVE it now. the harmonies on "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDD aaaaaahhhhhhhh" also paul sound so british the entire time. "luvely rita mitah maid" "little white buke" "made her luke a little like a militry man" "may i inquire discRReetly when are you free to take some tea with MEEEE" it's a time. it's cute, a bit silly, and at the end you get sex! the bassline, the piano, the mouth chkchckchk, the fucking kazoo, i love it. Rita!

good morning good morning - another song i swear i've heard a bit of in a commercial or radio but i can't remember when/where. kinda makes me sad that john ended up not liking it, cause i like it. i get it. plus it sounds like morning.

splhcb reprise - i love it

a day in the life - scared me as a child but even then it kept it's alluring quality to me. not my absolute favorite, but i understand why some ppl regard it to be their best song

abbey road

come together - idk what to say. this is iconic music

something - heard for the first time yesterday and WOW. again idk what to say. shit is GOOD. song that makes you shut up

maxwell's silver hammer - ...i've loved this since 2009. and recording began on my birthday so it's always felt kinda special to me. ik she has haters but im glad paul made it. i live on corn. but also putting this right after something was a set up mayhaps

oh! darling - this FUCKS. don't think i have to say anything else. used to scare me a bit as a kid but i still listened

octopus's garden - def heard as a kid pre-2009 but idk where. not my fav but feels nostalgic

i want you (she's so heavy) - hm...i appreciate this as a piece of music although it's not my personal favorite. like i can its importance to the genre while still skipping. the outro is fucking insane though. and the scream

here comes the sun - do i even have to say anything? beyond "thank you parent trap soundtrack" probably the 3rd beatles song i'd ever heard

because - not a favorite but i like it

medley - you never give me your money will ALWAYS take me back to summer 2019 where i saw the opening lyrics as a metaphor for my own financial issues and depression. wild shit. sun king is like a peak 7pm summer song. love it. another song that makes you shut up. mean mr. mustard and polythene pam i've always loved since i was 10. they're fun to me. the bassline in mmm fucks hard. yeahhhh yeah yeah. in she came in through the bathroom window i like "sunday's on the phone to monday. tuesday's on the phone to me". golden slumbers i like less but i like the quiet parts and how it leads into carry that weight. one of the few times i want paul to not yell. carry that weight feels like the ending of a movie + the link back to yngmym. then you get to the end. which is just. wow. how many other groups can say they've ended their career on something like that? paul yelling, the solos, "love you love you"

and in the end, the love you take

is equal to the love you make.

(jk ik her majesty's a pretty nice girl. i also view this more as an easter egg but i do like it for a personal reason)

[oatmealmcswagger]

The problem I'm facing, is that everyone else my age is dating, or has dated. I'm literally only 14. This is insane to me, as how can you have a meaningful relationship at 14!? Whatever. I haven't dated, somewhat out of anxiety, and somewhat out of preference.

But the problem is that I'm mature for my age. Everyone has told me that, and I feel that way. What I find vexing however, is that my dating pool is just… not attracting me. I feel odd with the thought of dating a kid, even though they are my age. I feel like it may be difficult to have a deep connection with someone, just with how I am.

I am happy for everyone around me, that they can find happiness where I cannot, but I can't help being slightly bitter. It's just saddening to me. I want to love someone, I want someone to love me, but it feels wrong dating a 14 year old, and it feels wrong dating a 17 year old.

I'm also scared that this frustration will boil over into anger. I am scared that I may become an incel, but that probably won't happen. I hope.

Suffice to say, I am frustrated as everyone around me is wonderful, but very few are attractive. And I don't feel that capable of being loved. I'm just young and confused. That is all.

[bonbon-bonny]

^_^ Happy Chinese new year everyone! :D Today is Year of the Dragon! Chinese new year is one of my favorite holidays, and back when I was in my home country I used to either dance or do judo demonstrations for the festival they held for it. (back when I took Judo. ^_^; unfortunately on one such festival I needed to break a board, and I accidently knocked my sensei over because I didn't do it right. Boy THAT was a very embarrassing day.) Anyway since it is new years I thought it would be a good time to reflect on everything that has happened this year from where I started then to where I am now. Last year, before the new year started, I was in a very hard place. I was stuck in a job that constantly overworked me, and stressed me out only to barely make any money worth saving. I felt hopeless, lonely, and inadequate in every conceivable way. In order to try and cope I had started writing a story because I had always wanted to be a writer but never had any inspiration to write anything meaningful. So I said fine, whatever, I will write stories I enjoy, even if no one else does because at least at the end of the day whenever I was feeling down I could go back and read them and feel better because they'd definately be the kind of stories I enjoyed XD I had poured so much time and effort into this story and after I finished I felt much better, but also a bit sad. It still felt like my life lacked meaning because I was certainly too shy to show anyone my work. Still, I decided it might be nice to make it a picture book and put it out there so at the very least I could say one day I did something. ^_^; I tried on my own at first because I am used to asking for help and not receiving it, but I quickly realized I just couldn't do it on my own and so I set about connecting with people who had the skills I didn't, and with the very little money I had my writing began to turn into a storybook. But the most amazing part is that when I did reach out to people about my project, about what I cared so deeply about, people reciprocated. They didn't make fun of me, they didn't judge me or tell me that I was silly for wasting their time on my story. ^_^; even if i was paying them to provide a service, it still felt very nice to feel valued and seen. These people helped me out in more ways they could possibly ever know. They showed me kindness and compassion during a time in my life where I didn't feel as if anyone else did. Because of them I started to change my perspective. Throughout the year I had come across many valuable lessons that showed me that my thoughts and feelings mattered, my voice mattered, I mattered. Honestly there is simply too much to write to express all the lessons I have learned but perhaps the biggest, at least from my perspective, is that it's always important to express compassion and kindness as much as you can with others. You don't know what someone else is going through, even if they smile at you or hurt your feelings. So today on this New Years I might be in the middle of trying to move back to my home country, wondering about how I'll have to start working from the very bottom just to start my life all over when I'd rather spend my time volunteering, I am surprisingly much much more happy than I was last year. I'm not scared to look towards my future, because even if I'm not sure what exactly will happen next in my life, I know it'll be full of pastels and colors no matter how grey the world around me might seem sometimes. And of course I wouldn't be here today if it hadn't been for the help of those who grabbed my hand when I was desperately reaching out. Thank you so much everyone <3 Happy Chinese New Year!

[miinos]

birthday (neg)

this is the sort of thing I don't want to bother friends with but need to talk about with somebody. because this has been eating away at me for nearly a week. so now, I turn to the internet to feign a connection. anyway

my bday is soon (2 days as of posting, yay). I turn 21- the big(?) number. I feel like I aughta be excited and happy, but I'm not. I'm scared as hell.

I feel like I'm cheating somehow. there's so much I haven't done yet, and when I turn 21 I'm gonna be super ill equipped... comparable to cheating your way to a final boss, but since you cheated, you have no technical skill and get demolished in 10 seconds.

I feel like I'm never gonna be big enough for the age I am. it was like this since I turned 17, my brain has been lagging behind and it makes it super hard to just exist as a 18/19/20 year old when I still have the same interests, social skills, and fears of a teenager.

and though one of those things (interests) are fine to have, being horrible in social situations becomes unacceptable around this age. especially considering the fact my career path deals heavily with hospitality and face-to-face interaction.

I've flopped horribly in my attempts to create new and meaningful relationships since I began college, and I fear Im letting my existing ones wilt. everybody else is growing, and I'm not for some reason. even though the age ticks forward, I'm still internally stuck where I am. I love my friends so much. but I wonder how much of a strain it is to be friends with somebody so.... behind.

I don't know. I'm afraid to get a job, I'm afraid to get my license, I'm afraid of everything. I don't have any charisma to fall back on in times like this, so I really do look like the floundering failure that I feel like. I try my best to just get through the day and go on but I can only do that for so long.

idk what to do abt this. I am not looking forward to my birthday. I'll be home, alone. can't go anywhere because I have no car. even though I have a bus pass, I fear going to the mall alone. so I will be trapped with myself and the sick feeling of entering yet another chapter of my life with nothing to show for myself.

whatever. perhaps I'll sand down the dread with a plamo kit. or gaming. this sucks. I wish I were just a little normal when it comes to this stuff

I didn't know where this fit in the friggin essay I've typed up so I'll just say it here....... i know turning 21 makes it legal for me to smoke and drink and stuff. and I should be happy for that alone. but I'm not. on a sliding scale, 1-10... my excitement for this lands at a 2. I'd like to try some fancy cocktails some day. but even then, I think I'd rather a fancy mock instead. I fear this makes me look like some childish prude, especially amongst my friends and family. I know I'm going to get some jokes about it and I'm already itching at the offhand disappointmemt it'll bring. I think this Mixes in with my overarching sickness with feeling like a lonely teen in an adult body.

[paperbagnotes]

Dear Letter,

not to be seen (or sent)

I want to start by expressing how much I miss you and how big of a void your absence has left in my life. It's been incredibly painful not having you around, and I find myself constantly reminded of your absence. Tears from the pain welling up and spilling over way more often then I would like to have happen.

The reason I am reaching out to you now is because I genuinely want to reconnect with you. Your presence in my life brought me so much joy and happiness, and I miss having you as a part of it. I understand that you may need time and space, and I respect that completely. But I want you to know that my intention in reaching out is to rebuild our relationship and create a stronger, healthier connection.

I wanted to take a moment to express my thoughts and feelings regarding our past and the separation we've experienced in our relationship for whatever reason. I have come to understand that you may have distanced yourself due to concerns about how our connection might impact your career and personal life. I want you to know that I respect and understand your perspective. I want you to know that you mean a great deal to me, and the thought of not having you in my life anymore is truly heartbreaking, more than I can even say. The memories we shared, and the deep connection I once thought we had are all things I cherish deeply. Losing you has made me realize just how much you brought to my life, and how much I took for granted from insecurities and running away myself too.

I want to sincerely apologize for any pressure I may have unknowingly put on you in the past. I recognize now that my eagerness for communication and my desire to be close to you may have been overwhelming at times. I am truly sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or if I unintentionally created any obstacles for you. I understand that there may have been misunderstandings or mistakes along the way that led to this absence. Looking back, I see now that I may have played a larger part in the strain our relationship experienced, and for that, I am truly sorry. I want to take full responsibility for my actions and express my sincere regret for any pain or hurt I may have caused you putting so much emotion and desire onto it. I didn’t need to be so scared, I was scared of losing even the tiniest string of connection we shared and it inevitable I believe possibly created space between us with me needing reassurance from you.

In an effort to grow and change, I have taken steps to adjust my expectations and approach to our relationship. I have learned to be more patient and understanding, realizing that everyone has their own challenges to navigate. I have come to accept that the frequency and timing of our communication may not always align, and I no longer place the same pressure on that. Since the time we last spoke, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on myself and situations. I have been actively working on becoming a better person, learning from my mistakes, being able to see things more clearly, and striving to improve any areas that may have caused strain in our relationship or to myself.

I have to admit however, it has been incredibly difficult for me to cope with the complete lack of communication between us. It has left me feeling disrespected and unimportant. I yearn for a meaningful connection with you, one that is not one-sided but built on mutual understanding and respect. I want you to know how important you are to me. I value our relationship and the moments we shared, and could have. I long for the opportunity to rebuild and strengthen our connection. I understand that you may need distance and so that’s why you’re taking it, please just be open with me and I will ofcourse respect you. But I also hope that you can understand the pain and emptiness I feel from the absence of your presence in my life. I believe that a meaningful connection is a two-way street, where both parties invest time and effort into nurturing the relationship. I genuinely want to be important to you, just as you are important to me. I hope that we can find a way to establish a balanced and fulfilling connection, where we both feel valued and felt. I hope that we can find a way to reconnect and rebuild what we had. Or something even better, I miss you so deeply, and I genuinely believe that we can overcome any challenges that lie ahead of us. If you are open to it, I would love the opportunity to talk and discuss how we can move forward together. Or just move forward at all. I understand that rebuilding our relationship will take time and effort if it is what you want and I am willing to put in the work and discuss any concerns or boundaries you may have. I want to create a safe and nourished space for us to communicate honestly and openly about our needs and expectations or even just fickle fleeting feelings ever. Please know that I have considered your perspective and how you may feel about the situation. I understand that my absence may have caused you pain as well, and I am truly sorry for any hurt I may have caused you if that is at all the case. I want you to know that I am willing to put in the effort and work through any difficulties that may arise. I value our relationship and am committed to making it better than even before.

my love, your care and affection are not just desires, but vital necessities. love is the life force that sustains my spirit, and without it, I fear I may die, or wish I would. You hold the power, like a literal key, to make me feel whole, to take away this empty space you left inside of me. A connect to you that flows and feels free is all I want for we, something liberating. I value your friendship just a much as your desire to be a lover and I pray that you'll continue to desire me regardless of if we are speaking. I write this letter not to demand, but to humbly plead for your understanding. I long for a love that is unwavering, a love that will grow and thrive. Please know my intentions in reaching out are sincere. I miss you so greatly it feels excruciating, and I believe that we can overcome any challenges that come our way. I want you to know that my love for you remains unwavering. As annoying as that is for a man who can’t see me or just doesn’t want to right now maybe. Despite the challenges we may face, I know our journey together wont been “easy”, it won’t be boring, i believe the strength of our bond has been undeniable. I have shown I’m willing to put in the work for you. Please don’t lose sight of what we mean to each other and what we have, or the beautiful future we could build together. I believe in us, in our love, in yours & mine, in myself fully as well as our ability to overcome anything. With hope in my heart, I eagerly await the day we can reconnect and continue writing this story.

Love Forever,

an idiot 4 u

[abfa-fics]

Shopping - EO ficlet

He wonders, for a moment, if he should call one of his daughters for advice. 

Maureen would have some sensible ideas on what he could buy for Olivia - things that any woman of Olivia’s age would probably like, within a budget that would neither be cheap nor overwhelmingly expensive. It wouldn’t be especially personal, but appreciated and non-controversial, he’s sure.

Lizzie has a quietly beautiful taste in fashion - something that Elliot has grown to recognize over time about his middle child. Gone are the days of his ill-fitting suits and wrinkled shirts; instead, he has embraced the smartly tailored three-pieces that are the rage in Italy. The more aware he becomes of the power of perception when dressed impressively, the more conversation it opens with Lizzie, a way to connect them together. He’s sure she would recommend something that is both aesthetically pleasing and matching to Olivia’s style.

Kathleen would be the most enthusiastic of the three - the one who is desperate to re-enter Olivia’s life at a level of familiarity that has been missing for over a decade. He knows if asked, she would drag him to a hundred different stores in order to find exactly the right piece for Olivia, refusing to rest until they came home triumphant.

And yet…in the end, he doesn’t reach out to any of them, determined to carry out this task alone.

It doesn’t escape him that he’s searching diligently for the perfect gift for Olivia in a way that he had never done for Kathy. Indeed, back in their days of being partners, he would too often rely on Olivia’s input on what he should buy his wife - even going so far as to have her run out and purchase something herself with his credit card. His excuse had always been that he didn’t know what women liked, even though he had both a wife and three daughters. When Olivia had begun to dispute that reasoning, he had switched to the explanation that he was simply poor at giving gifts in general.

Perhaps that was true, but mostly he knows it was because he didn’t have the energy or motivation to make the effort. Another mark against him, he supposes. But it had been their unspoken routine, and Kathy loved the gifts, so everyone was happy. In return for her pains, he would go out and purchase little presents for Olivia in thanks, even though whenever she opened them, her face bright, she would tell him ‘See, you’re good at gift giving!’.

Kathy had fallen in love with all things Italian, when they had moved to Rome. But at that point in their relationship, she had always taken the initiative to go and purchase whatever she wanted herself.

‘Your present to me,’ she would announce, waving some pretty item of fashion under his nose. And he would laugh and nod, content in the fact that he no longer had to worry about guessing what she would like, and getting it wrong by mistake.

Now though…he wanders from shop to shop, not entirely sure what he is seeking, but trusting that when he sees it, he’ll know in his heart.

And finally, shop after endless shop later, he finds the near-perfect necklace, shining up at him from the display.

‘Can I help you?’ the shop assistant smiles, noticing his intense stare at their counter.

‘Do you…do customization?’ he murmurs, tapping on the glass with his index finger. It’s not quite perfect, but he has a vision on how to make it so.

‘We sure can,’ she chirps, sliding the necklace out of the display and setting it in front of him. ‘What are you thinking?’

Four days later, the black box sits in his hand. It looks ostentatious, and for a moment he’s worried that it’s just too much for Olivia - that he’ll scare her away. So he hunts around in the backseat of his car, uncovering a crumpled paper bag from his breakfast bagel, and shoving the box inside. 

And even though it’s been over a decade since he last gave her anything meaningful, Olivia’s face still brightens the same way when she opens the box, an underlying sense of joy that he can see shining from her eyes.

He’s good at giving gifts - at least to Olivia.

[flowercrown-bard]

I was today years old when I found out that cornflowers can also be white/purple and pink.

My first instinct was to never refer to Jaskier’s eyes as being the colour of cornflowers again. My second instinct was to write this instead:

Soulmate AU

word count: ~3k

pairing: Geraskier

Content warnings: blood, injuries

The Colour of Cornflowers

Jaskier’s eyes were the colour of the sky, of the sea, of sapphires. At least that was what people said, when they tried and often succeeded in wooing Jaskier. People who had been lucky enough to have found their soulmates and foolish enough to risk that happiness for a bard who would leave them come the morning.

Geralt would never understand those people. They had something so precious, so special and they were willing to throw it away for a pretty pair of eyes.

Geralt never understood those comparisons to sky, sea and sapphire either, and not only just because he had never seen the colour of either of those things. They just sounded so… cliché. As if someone tried painfully hard to sound like a poet. And didn’t the sky change colour during the dawn or at night? Did every body of water have the same colour? And didn’t some lord or another once proudly present his differently coloured sapphires, knowing full well that Geralt wasn’t able to distinguish between them anyway?

And he never would. It wasn’t uncommon for people to never see the world in colour – soulmates were rare and it wasn’t unheard of that some people lost all sight of colour after rejecting their soulmates for whatever reason.

But all of those people could at least still hope to have the world burst into colour at some point in their lives. Unlike Geralt.

“It is a mercy,” Vesemir had said when he had explained to the frightened boys that would become witchers or die in the trials that they would lose the ability to ever find their soulmates, “that you won’t have to go through that. You won’t get distracted by searching for them. And you won’t get your hearts broken.”

Because even then, Vesemir hadn’t made them believe what everyone else accepted as fact: That witchers didn’t feel, didn’t love.

Vesemir had known better. And he had known that that didn’t change a damn thing. A witcher would fall in love all he wanted, no one would ever accept a witcher’s love.

When Geralt had been younger, he had told himself he would be different. He had thought himself a knight that would one day rescue a damsel or meet a stable boy who loved horses as much as he did. He had thought they might fall in love – for who wouldn’t want to love a hero? – and they would be happy together, Destiny and soulmates be damned.

And then he had saved his first damsel. When she had seen his face, she had screamed and vomited and passed out. And Geralt for the first time understood what Vesemir had meant when he had said it was a mercy not knowing one’s soulmate.

Whoever was cursed to be a witcher’s soulmate, they would draw back in horror once they saw the sickly yellow of their eyes – at least that was how Geralt’s eyes had been described to him – and they would reek of fear rather than of love when they realised just whom Destiny had bound them to.

No human should have to get punished with such a fate. And Geralt knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep himself from shattering if he ever saw disgust on his soulmate’s face.

So it was better that he would never know if he ever met them. It was better that he would never see the colour of Jaskier’s eyes.

He didn’t need to anyway. People never shut up about them, after all.

Between all of those descriptions that made Geralt want to roll his eyes, there was one that somehow got stuck in his mind, no matter how he wanted to shake it off.

Cornflowers.

For some reason it sounded right. Geralt was sure a poet, or even just about any man who was better with words than him, would be able to create a beautiful and meaningful connection between Jaskier and the preciousness of gems, the ever-moving sea or the freedom of the sky or other such sappy nonsense.

But cornflowers…Jaskier had named himself after a flower, hadn’t he? And cornflowers weren’t so different from buttercups. He had heard farmers complain about them, about how difficult they were to get rid of once they had started sprouting in their fields.

Geralt’s lips had twitched upwards when he had heard that and looked at Jaskier who had returned his side-eye with a cheeky wink, as if he knew exactly that Geralt was thinking about the way Jaskier had attached himself to Geralt no matter how hard he had tried to prevent that.

He tried no longer.

He had grown used to Jaskier’s presence. No, it was more than that. He had gotten to appreciate it. To enjoy the humming and chattering. To relish in the feeling of Jaskier running his fingers through Geralt’s hair. To feel his stomach twist in anticipation when he saw Jaskier again after months spent apart.

And when they were apart, Geralt found himself looking at cornflowers, unable to stop his lips from twitching into a soft smile. He might not be able to see their colour and never would, but that didn’t change the fact that they reminded him of Jaskier and of how he hadn’t drawn back in disgust or flinch from his touch even once.

Of course it helped that Jaskier had never seen his eyes in colour either. He couldn’t have. Because if he did, then surely he would have reacted in some way. No one, not even Jaskier was that good an actor.

True, his songs about Geralt often featured descriptions of his eyes – of honey, gold and sunflowers – but Geralt didn’t need to see colours to know that those descriptions were ludicrous. Predatory, sickly, creepy. That was how his eyes were normally described. Jaskier must have just heard the word ‘yellow’ and then asked other people for other, more pleasant things of the same colour. For surely, no one who had ever seen his eyes as they really were would think of something so kind that the first time Geralt had heard it, he had to leave the room for he was sure that he wasn’t able to keep the fondness and admiration he felt in that moment out of his eyes.

Fleeing hadn’t helped, of course. Jaskier didn’t need to sing of honey-eyes or silver moonlight-hair to make Geralt’s chest clench and his fingers itch to reach out and pull Jaskier close.

A single smile from him was enough. A quiet moment shared by a fire. Laughter and bad jokes as they travelled side by side.

Witchers could love and in those moments, Geralt was more thankful that fact than he had ever been for anything else. Loving Jaskier was beautiful.

And it was the most painful and terrifying thing Geralt could imagine.

Never in his life had Geralt been as scared as he had been when he had seen Jaskier run towards him while he was in the middle of a fight. For a terrifying moment, when the griffin’s talons had hit their mark and torn deep gashes into Jaskier’s chest, he had thought this was it. This was how Jaskier died. Because of him.

But as Geralt had dropped to his knees next to him, pressing his hands against the wounds and pleading with Jaskier to stay with him, Jaskier hadn’t blamed him, hadn’t yelled at him or tried to evade his touch. Instead he had lifted one of Geralt’s hands to his lips and pressed a soft kiss against it, heedless of the blood sticking to them.

Jaskier’s eyes had fallen shut and Geralt’s blood had run cold.

His eyes had opened again, later, when Geralt had bandaged up his wounds and brushed his hair out of his forehead tenderly, the same way Jaskier sometimes did with Geralt’s hair when he woke up, drenched in sweat and with his heart racing from a nightmare about the trials, about the day he had lost all hope of ever finding his soulmate.

When Jaskier’s eyes had fluttered open and his face had broken into a smile so soft as if Geralt was the most beautiful sight Jaskier could imagine, Geralt had known. He could never let something like this happen again. As long as Jaskier was with Geralt, he was in danger.

But Geralt had also known that he wouldn’t be able to get rid of Jaskier – neither would he be strong enough to push him away, nor would Jaskier ever willingly go.

Not until Geralt did the unthinkable. Through friendship, through deadly injuries and insults being spat at them, Jaskier stayed with Geralt. But even he had his limits. Even he wouldn’t be able to stay with a witcher, knowing he was loved by him. By a mutant, monster, butcher.

Geralt knew it, the world knew it and surely Jaskier himself knew it too: Jaskier deserved better than someone like him, better than being loved by someone like him. Confessing his feelings to Jaskier would be the last straw that would finally make Jaskier act upon this knowledge and go find someone good enough for him. Someone who wouldn’t put him in danger. Perhaps even someone who could tell Jaskier that his eyes looked like cornflowers and see it too.

Geralt knew that saying the words would irrevocably drive Jaskier from his side. He knew the moment of rejection and disgust would forever be branded in his mind. It would be the thing Geralt would remember when he got injured on a hunt while knowing that Jaskier wouldn’t be waiting for him with a worried look and tender touches.

And yet. Geralt couldn’t bring himself to just say it. He only got one chance to tell Jaskier how he felt, and although it would end in Geralt being shattered and alone, he wanted to relish the moment, the chance to let himself believe for even just a moment that Jaskier wouldn’t push himself away.

So Geralt waited and planned. A part of him knew that he was selfish, that he was only drawing this out so that he would get to keep Jaskier by his side a little longer. Another part of him wanted it to be perfect. He wanted Jaskier to think back to Geralt and remember someone who had tried despite everything to give Jaskier a confession that he deserved.

Except, Geralt wouldn’t ever be able to give such a thing to Jaskier. He wasn’t good enough for him and neither would anything he could ever give him be.

He didn’t have poetic words or grand gestures.

A simple gesture would have to be enough. Maybe it would even help to make Jaskier leave.

It was pure coincidence that they passed the field that day. Jaskier’s hair was lighter than normal in the sun and his smile was bright and easy. Geralt let himself look at him like this one last time. Jaskier was beautiful. Too beautiful for someone like Geralt.

Geralt shouldn’t get to keep him. He had to do it. Now.

Taking a shaking breath and clenching his jaw as if that would stop his hands from trembling, he bent down and plucked the cornflowers right out of the field.

To Geralt they were different shades of grey, ranging from almost white to dark grey, but to anyone else, they would be blue. Like Jaskier’s eyes.

As much as Geralt had always told himself that it was a good thing that he wasn’t Jaskier’s soulmate, he now wished more than anything, that he would have gotten to see the colour of Jaskier’s. He didn’t need to see the world in colour. Knowing blue would have been enough.  Then he would have more than grey flowers to remind himself of Jaskier when he was gone.

“Jaskier.” His voice came out slightly hoarse and he had to clear his throat.

It was of no use. As soon as Jaskier turned around and laid eyes on the flowers Geralt held out to him, his throat tightened again.

At the same time, Jaskier’s eyes darted between the flowers and Geralt’s face, searching for something, looking almost achingly hopeful. Though for what, Geralt couldn’t tell. Perhaps Jaskier was for once silently pleading Geralt not to continue talking.

He did it anyway.

“Jaskier, I…these are for you.”

He took a step closer to Jaskier, half-expecting him to draw back. Instead Jaskier too came towards him with hesitant wonder in his eyes and took the flowers from Geralt’s hands. Their fingers brushed and the simple touch sent a jolt through Geralt. This would be the last time he would ever get to feel Jaskier’s skin against his.

“Geralt.” Jaskier sounded choked and there was a watery shine to his eyes that made Geralt’s chest tight and his now empty hands ball helplessly into fists. “Those are beautiful.”

“Like you,” Geralt said, before he had time to think and swallow the words. “Like your eyes. They – cornflowers. They look like your eyes.”

Jaskier stared at him for a long moment but he didn’t move. Geralt knew he had to say more, had to get Jaskier to turn tail and leave Geralt behind, but the words got stuck in his throat and burned like shards of glass cutting into him.

Still, as the moment dragged on, it seemed that Geralt didn’t need to say anything else. Jaskier let out a strangled sound, clearly supressing something else. Not for long, though. Not a heartbeat later, a laugh tumbled from Jaskier’s lips and once that first chuckle was out, he wouldn’t stop himself.

Ice pierced Geralt’s heart and he had to look away. For the first time he couldn’t bear to look at the way Jaskier’s face lit up as he laughed. He should have known. Jaskier was kind, but he was also expressive beyond believe. Geralt had no doubt that he would have tried to let him down gently, but it seemed that the idea of a witcher trying to be romantic was too ridiculous for even Jaskier to keep his composure.

“Oh, oh Geralt,” Jaskier said in between laughs, gasping for air and wiping away tears that had spilt free with his free hand. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I shouldn’t laugh. You’re being very sweet, it’s just-“

“I know. You don’t need to say it. I know.” Geralt interrupted, suddenly desperate not to have Jaskier say it out loud. Seeing him leave was one thing. He could still pretend that it was no different than when they separated for the winter. But hearing Jaskier outright tell him that Geralt’s feelings were a joke to him – Geralt wouldn’t be able to bear it, to have these words join the ones of hatred and disdain that he remembered whenever he lay awake at night, kept awake by self-doubt and shame.  

“Oh, I don’t think you do,” Jaskier said and his smile didn’t falter, as if he wasn’t tearing Geralt’s heart out with it. “It’s just…Geralt, I know you can’t know this, but…my eyes are blue.”

“I do know.”

“Yes, well, but these flowers aren’t. They are lovely, of course, but this one for example is very clearly pink.” He tilted his head to the side like a bird as he looked at Geralt with mirth in his eyes. “You know, it’s almost the same colour your cheeks get sometimes when I sing about you.”

A painful spike shot through his heart. The flowers weren’t blue. The one thing he had known to do to try his hand at a romantic, albeit simple gesture and he had messed it up. Of course he wouldn’t be able to do even such a simple thing. Of course Jaskier would –

His thoughts came to a screeching halt and his eyes widened as the full meaning of Jaskier’s words came crashing down on him.

The flowers were pink. Jaskier knew, he saw, that they were pink.

“You can see colours.” He had meant for it to be a question, but it came out as a bitter truth.

Jaskier’s cheeks darkened. “I…yes. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to find out.”

“Why-how long?”

Jaskier swallowed nervously and his eyes darted away for a second, before finding Geralt’s again, pleading and scared. He clutched the flowers to his chest as if he feared Geralt would tear them off his hands.

“You know how long,” he said softly, almost apologetic. “Ever since I first saw you.”

“No.” Geralt shook his head. This wasn’t- this couldn’t be. He had expected Jaskier to flee from him, to tell him that he didn’t feel the same way. He had never expected him to be cruel. “No, you don’t – You can’t be. I can’t be.”

“I’m sorry.” The apology tumbled out of Jaskier’s mouth fast enough to slur the words together and his hand shot out to seize Geralt by the wrist. The touch burned him even through his clothes. “I know you don’t like Destiny. I never should have said… I don’t want you to force you into this. You must believe me.”

Geralt’s mind went blank. It almost sounded…he shouldn’t be foolish enough to believe this. He shouldn’t feel hope burning in his chest, but the way Jaskier said it….it didn’t sound as if he himself hated the idea of being soulmates with a witcher.

“You wanted me to choose you?” Geralt asked bewildered, still unable to comprehend.

Jaskier’s eyes softened and his smile turned into something bittersweet. “That was all I had ever wanted. I always thought you wouldn’t, but now…Please don’t take this back. Don’t tell me this isn’t what you chose, just because it’s the choice Destiny wanted you to make.”

Geralt’s brows drew together. “I couldn’t care less what Destiny wants me to do.”

Jaskier’s face fell when Geralt pulled his wrist out of his grip. After a moment of hesitation, Geralt lifted his now free hand to cup Jaskier’s cheek.

Jaskier let out a soft gasp, before leaning into the touch with an unknown desperation.

“I choose you,” Geralt said, his fingers caressing Jaskier’s skin. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Jaskier said urgently. “I would choose you time and time again, whether Destiny wanted me to or not.”

Geralt’s throat went tight once more. “You know I can’t see colours. You know I won’t ever be able to compare your eyes to something and know it’s what they look like.” His gaze dropped to the flowers in Jaskier’s hand. “I can’t give you flowers the right colour.”

Jaskier let out a watery laugh. He turned his head and kissed the palm of Geralt’s hand, before taking one of the flowers – perhaps a pink one, perhaps one of a different colour entirely – out of the posy and tucked it behind Geralt’s ear.

“It doesn’t matter. The colour never mattered. They are beautiful. Because they come from you.”

“You are beautiful,” Geralt echoed. “Because you are you. Colour or no.”

His hand trailed down until he was gently holding his chin, titling his head up ever so slightly.

“Jaskier?” he asked, one last hesitation, one last chance for Jaskier to choose to take his words back.

Jaskier made his choice.

He leaned forward and pressed their lips into a soft kiss.

Geralt had always known that loving Jaskier was beautiful, but in this moment Geralt learned for the first time, that nothing, no flowers and no colours could ever be as beautiful as it was being loved by Jaskier.

[freedom-of-fanfic]

i’m here for the discussion, not the discourse (a manifesto)

In my FAQ I mention that ‘despite running a blog that talks a lot about anti-shipping, I try to ignore anti-shippers.’

Of course, I don’t actually ignore anti-shippers. I read their posts regularly and think about what they mean, and why they’re saying it, and who planted the rhetorical seeds condoning their behavior. But I try to not get into arguments with anti-shippers.

There’s a lot of reasons for my reluctance to argue with members of a community I frequently analyze. Most importantly: anti-shipping rhetoric is intolerant*. But another reason I avoid arguing with anti-shippers is because they discourage and shut down nuanced discourse on complicated topics. When any attempt to engage in a less than black&white discussion of fraught topics such as taboo sexual fantasies in fictional works is buried in an avalanche of disgust, no meaningful discussion can occur.

What I’m advocating for these days is less ‘anything goes, absolutely no limits, full stop’ and more ... well. what the rest of this post gets into.

Here’s my FreetoFic manifesto, aka: why I run this blog:

Mainly: I believe nuance is everything. 

Hardly anything is black&white ‘bad’ or ‘good’, ‘safe’ or ‘unsafe’. For example: in moving to huge aggregate social media sites, fandom became easier to locate and adult/dark fandom content easier to access on accident. Realistically, we can’t just censor all adult/upsetting content: so how do we keep underage minors/anyone who doesn’t want to see this stuff from seeing it? What is the responsibility of the creator vs the consumer? Sites like tumblr and twitter make it hard to address things in nuanced ways, so I’m trying my best to discourage simplified groupthink and encourage nuanced, independent thought on complicated & fraught subjects.

I prefer accurate education on potentially dangerous things to censorship of the thing. 

Censorship doesn’t made hated things go away; it just pushes it into hiding. Pretending upsetting things don’t exist by forbidding people from writing or talking about them doesn’t actually make the upsetting thing stop existing. I advocate letting ppl talk about these things via fiction if they want while increasing education on the reality of the thing, so even inaccurate, bad fiction doesn’t trick ppl into thinking the fictional version is realistic.

I think reality and fiction have a complicated relationship that can’t be reduced to ‘fiction does not affect reality’ or ‘fiction affects reality’. 

I use this blog to examine the actual relationship of fiction and reality.

I think fandom and activism have been conflated, to the detriment of both. 

When fandom/fanworks are ‘supposed’ to be activist, it stifles creativity and hurts ppl who consume fanworks while thinking they’re all activist educational material when they’re not. I try to fight this conflation.

Words have definitions and they matter.

people who defined themselves as ‘anti-[ship]’ had begun to use words like ‘pedophilia’, ‘children’, ‘child porn’, etc in wildly expansive ways, which has been used to justify accusing people who ship what they hate of being sexual perverts and child molesters. It upsets and tires me out, so I use this blog to address the hyperbolic rhetoric.

I’ve noticed a lot of abusive, cultlike behavioral patterns and intellectual dishonesty among people who argue fandom should be censored according to their tastes/beliefs. 

It makes me worry because (1) I’ve noticed that these behaviors are spreading, even to some people making counterarguments, and (2) the dishonesty and misdirection irt how to identify dangerous people in fandom is literally making it easier for abusers to hide. I do my best to point out the abuses and untruths perpetuated in the name of ‘anti-pedophilia/incest/abuse’ rhetoric - and to address that predatory people are on all ‘sides’ in fandom, advocating for whatever their chosen prey advocates for - to protect people from false flagging.

I am increasingly aware of a connection betweeen fandom policing rhetoric and anti-kink/anti-porn rhetoric, which are SWERF arguments.

I want to draw attention to nonintersectional radfem influence in fandom for those who don’t want to be influenced by them.

I want to remind people who are targeted for harassment campaigns by people policing fandom that they are being abused, and no matter what they said or created that triggered the attack, it does not justify the treatment they are receiving.

.

I want to remind people that it’s okay to imagine and examine potentially harmful/dangerous concepts. 

It doesn’t make you a bad person & doesn’t mean you’re doomed to act on your imagination in reality. Fandom policing seems to have made a lot of ppl scared of themselves, and I try to dismantle that.

fandom is a microcosm that echoes the social climate it’s swimming in. 

For example: as authoritarian thinking has swept through America / the western world, so it has swept through English speaking fandom. Sociologically speaking, fandom is a great place to observe comparatively low-stakes behavioral patterns. I write about what I notice here.

Finally: I love fandom.

and I want everyone - even fandom policers - to find fandom a happy place to be instead of an upsetting place. I don’t know how we get there, but I figure talking about it is the first step.

---

‘discourse’, in the academic sense, is an ongoing (& ideally intersectional) dialogue dedicated to defining, debating, expanding, and exploring complicated, often-fraught topics. This is deeply valuable!

But colloquially, ‘discourse’ means ‘ongoing public argument in an open forum.’ Modern social media is designed to encourage it - and nothing keeps the argument going like limiting context and nuance. Intolerant groups thrive in environments like these.

I’m not here to participate in the colloquial ‘discourse’. I’m here for something deeper (and kinder.)

*intolerant rhetoric dehumanizes and scapegoats a group of people, then advocates for committing acts of violence - physical, mental, or institutional - against them.  As a person who calls for tolerance of opposing ideals, I’m obligated to ignore and shut down intolerance. (This is the Paradox of Tolerance.)

[lovestruckay]

Request: “How about headcanons of Viktor’s S/O telling him that they love him for the first time? Like his feelings about it? Idkman I just want to cherish the man.”

Pairing: Viktor x Reader

A/N: Thank you for the request, @puppykiva! Viktor deserves to be cherished.

Viktor never thought he would fall in love. With how much he dedicated himself to his pursuit of knowledge, he just never had the time. Every free moment he had was spent either wrapped up in his research, fighting with Company 8, or working on his secret experiments at the hideout. He didn’t even have any time left to work on his music, let alone meet somebody.

Not that he ever really had any real desire to go out and meet anyone anyways. Sure, it could get a little lonely, but his goals were always more important than finding a romantic partner. He didn’t care that he was alone as long as he got the answers he was searching for. He didn’t need anyone to be there next to him, he was satisfied with just his discoveries.

At least, he had thought so until he met you.

From the moment you came into his life, he was fascinated by you. You were a variable he had not accounted for; another mystery to understand, another puzzle to be solved. But the more he learned about you, the more his curiosity grew. The more time he spent with you - the more he saw your smile and heard your voice and your laugh - the more he realized there was something deeper to how he felt about you.

When Viktor realizes he has fallen in love with you, he tries to hide it.

Initially, he attempts to reason away his feelings, citing that you were just incredibly attractive and that you were frequently in each others’ company. He tried to convince himself he was just falling prey to his baser instincts and that he was mistaking companionship for love because of proximity.

When your connection flourishes to the point where he can no longer stop thinking about you, he knows that’s not the case. You are a constant in his thoughts and, when you’re with him, he can’t even think of anything but you.

The more and more time goes on, the more difficult it is for Viktor to hide his feelings. He struggles to hide how his face heats up when you laugh, how he can’t stop looking at you when you’re in the same room together, or how he always comes up with excuses to be near to you.

When you brush against him, he swears you must be able to hear his heart with how hard it pounds in his chest.

He has no idea how to live with these feelings, let alone how to express them and actually tell you. He only had one person he could talk to about the more sensitive topics and the stray dog of the antiheroes was even more awkward with emotions than he was. Passed that, there was no way he was going to ask his boss or, worse yet, his coworkers for love advice.

Viktor discreetly thumbed through a few books at the store but he could never find a chapter on how to confess your feelings to someone. How do you even go about telling someone that you think about them first thing in the morning and last thing before going to sleep and that even your dreams were filled with fantasies of you both in love?

Unable to come up with an answer for this perplexing problem, he resigned himself to suffering in silence as he continued to research. He wanted to get closer to you, to tell you how he felt, but he had no idea how to do so in a way that wouldn’t scare you off. After all, he loved you so much he was happy just having you as a friend if it meant you remained in his life.

Fortunately for you, he is really bad at hiding his feelings for you. You can see right through him like air and so can everyone at Company 8. Even Joker had taken note of his hopeless attraction, attempting to give him dating advice on the sly that was anything but helpful. If anything, Viktor just felt sympathetic for whatever poor soul eventually caught his friend’s eye.

He is so sensitive to everything you do that it’s so easy to tease him. Just brushing against him will have his entire face turning bright red and he will stutter cutely if you hold his hand.

When you finally do confess to him, it takes his breath away.

“I love you,” you tell him and the words come so easily it feels like you had already told him a thousand times before.

It’s in that moment that Viktor realizes that, for being such a brilliant scientist, he was really dumb sometimes. With just those three words, he understands that sometimes the most meaningful confession didn’t come from sonnets or dramatic revelations but by just saying what was in your heart.

You love him, so you told him. Easy as that.

Even with his realizations, Viktor can do nothing but stare at you. It takes his body a long moment to catch up with his mind and, when he finally does snap to, he silently closes the distance between you both.

Gathering you up into his arms, he kisses you.

He pours all of that pent up emotion into his kiss - all of that longing and devotion and all of his love for you that he had been hiding. You get so lost in his lips tenderly moving against yours and in the warmth of his embrace that, when he finally pulls back and presses his forehead to yours, you have to catch your breath.

“I love you too,” Viktor is finally able to confess as he gazes down at you with a gentle smile. 

There is so much adoration behind just those four words that you can feel how much he truly loves you as easily as you can feel his arms holding you even tighter.

[lizacstuff]

Your thoughts on the epi? I thought it was a good episode overall. Serkan is acting the way I thought he would: he wants to be the perfect Dad, is scared she won't love him, is spoiling her but also teaching her things. I'm not quite sure why Kiraz isn't calling him Baba, maybe she needs time to adjust to calling him that. I have mixed emotions when it comes to the way Eda spied on Serkan. I understand she's worried but trust the man a little. No comments on Aydan and Ayfer! They are too much!

Hello! I liked the episode. It felt very light, very romcom-y and I thought it was very enjoyable to watch. Loved every minute of Serkan trying to be the ideal dad and I'm here for the Edser UST this ep brought. They want each other sooooo much. And, yes, Eda wants him, she wants him bad. I thought the custody thing at the end was silly and convoluted, but, hey, I'm totally here for the "they're not together and fighting their feelings, but forced to live together" trope so I will just ignore how unbelievable it would be for Edser to be drowning in hearteyes for each other all ep, getting along in regards to Kiraz, AND seemingly aware that Aydan/Ayfer were up to something and still allow a misunderstanding over their shenanigans to spiral to that nonsense degree.

Maybe the folks that think that Serkan & Eda were playing all the meddling family and friends are right, and they set it up beforehand, it's just that I've thought things were a fake out on this show so many times, only for them to be real, so at this point I'm operating under the assumption that this is just a romcom plot point to throw our romantic leads together and it's not worth examining it too closely.

I'll give my thoughts on the "Baba" vs "Serkan Bolat" thing and Eda's actions after we talk a bit about the B, C and D players... Thankfully we had plenty of Edser and Kiraz screen time this ep so the supporting stories didn't overwhelm the episode too much.

(much more under the cut)

That being said, who can we pay to get these people to mind their own f-cking business? LMAO. At least Engin and Piril weren't annoying and were actually trying to be helpful. I mean, Piril is still cancelled, but if she's not causing trouble now then she's not at the top of my shit list. However, I did laugh at her when she's sort of pleading with Serkan: "We've been friends for a long time, you'll understand why I did this." Um... what, Piril? You're sitting there approximately 72 hours after Serkan found out he has a child and he's already proven that he's ALL IN on being a father, and you expect Serkan to think you were right for hiding it from him? Cause why? He has already proven that any concerns you had about him rejecting Kiraz were invalid. The only thing wrong with Serkan's anger at Piril is that it will probably only last for that scene.

Anyone else think Kerem the assistant is an ass? Seriously, do they really want us to root for sweet Pina to be with this dickweasel? He's insecure, he thinks he knows it all, he's snarky and lashes out, he's vindictive. No thanks.

As for Aydan and Ayfer. Ooph. As punishment for their unprecedented assery this episode they both need to be stranded on a desert island with only each other. Only then maybe they'll learn not to insert themselves by such underhanded means. They're both giant pains in the ass, but Ayfer still annoys me more than Aydan. Because here's the thing, once Edser is back together and Serkan is happy, Aydan will fully embrace Eda again, but I don't think the same can be said for Ayfer. Did you see some of the bitchy, sour faces Ayfer was making, taunting Eda about her soft spot for Serkan. She's insufferable.

Turning to the nonsense meddling custody plot line, Kemal and Seyfi were just following orders, but what is Melo's excuse? It's unfortunate that the narrative pulled her into this. Ayfer may have her head in the sand, and not really care what Eda wants, but Melo does and she knew that Eda wanted to cooperate with Serkan and bring him into Kiraz's life, she knew that Eda was about 2 seconds from melting every time she was near Serkan, and that they were likely on the cusp of rekindling their relationship. There is no way she should have been complicit in trying to get evidence against Serkan or visiting lawyers behind Eda's back.

However, even after being complicit in Ayfer's nonsense, she still deserves a helluva lot better than Burak. That guy was annoying af this episode. What exactly does he think he's doing? I'm sorry, in that situation you step back and give the people going through such a monumental life change some space. Again, it's not like it needs to be forever, but you don't try and monopolize the kid's time the night of and 2 days after she meets her long-lost father. He needs to fuck all he way off.

Also since Eda had no interest in this guy, why is he coming over to tuck in the kid EVERY night? I get that he's been good to Kiraz and they have a nice relationship, but that's soooo overkill, it's just not normal. Especially since they've said they've only been living there a year. The only reason for a dude to revolve his entire life around a kid like that is because he's actively trying to get in the mom's pants. So when it comes to Burak's intentions, Eda is as dense as Serkan used to be with Balca/Selin/Actress. Burak only took that level of interest and inserted himself into their lives because he wanted Eda, and Eda should realize that and have a frank conversation with him. Eda doesn't even have to be cognizant that she will inevitably get back together with Serkan, she already knows she has no interest in Burak. She should tell him. And if she's already told him (which it seems she might have from her comments to Ayfer and Melo) she should put some boundaries in place because his presence was ridiculous.

It still blows my mind that this sad sack thinks he has a shot with Eda. Seriously, while the dude isn't hideous, he's also not attractive and he has the personality of dead grass coupled with the charisma of warm mayonnaise. He's not worthy of either Eda or Melo. The scene of Melo and Burak walking on the beach made me a bit uncomfortable. They're totally setting that relationship up, but so far all we see is Melo obviously harboring feelings for him as Burak broods over his Eda delusions. We'll have to see how this plays out, but I feel like Burak didn't need to be this upset over Eda for the story to work, and it would be a lot easier to root for him with Melo if by episode 5 if he wasn't still actively trying, as Engin said, to take over Serkan's family.

On to Edser and the newly forming Bolat family unit. It's funny, I'm not someone who thinks a woman needs to take her husband's last name, I think people should do whatever they want, but for whatever reason I really, really want Eda and Kiraz to have his name. Maybe because I think they all crave having people to belong to in a sense. Serkan because he was unloved and sent overseas alone at such a young age, Eda because she was an orphan, Kiraz because she didn't have a dad in early childhood. So for that reason, I really do feel like it will be meaningful to have them tied together that way as a family unit. They belong to each other now (or they will soon).

Along those lines, you say you're not sure why Kiraz isn't calling him Baba, narratively, I think it's because that will be a big milestone in their relationship. When she feels comfortable enough, connected enough, and secure enough with him to do that, it's going to melt all of our hearts right out of our chests. If she'd done it right away it wouldn't feel as special as it's going to feel when it eventually happens because she feels it (not just because it's a fact).

As for her calling him Serkan Bolat, I think it's adorable. That's how she knew him before, it would be weird if she called him anything other than that or Baba, (like Serkan or Abi) because then it would be like she was settling on that, but calling him by his full name, which is such a part of his identity, is cute and charming and pays tribute to the interactions they had before they knew of their relationship, and it's a signal that it's only temporary. Baba is coming, don't worry.

Loved Kiraz showing Serkan her room and all of her things, and really loved Eda standing there, smiling, soaking it in. I've seen a lot of criticism of Eda in this episode and she did have a few moments that were unnecessarily harsh, but I think it's also valid to give her a minute to adjust because this is a lot of change in just a couple of days. While she now knows Serkan had understandable, and even noble, reasons for what he did and said, that still doesn't erase the heartbreak and pain he put her through, or the 5 years of being a single mother and not having anyone to consult or needing to consult anyone on decisions regarding Kiraz.

I do think, though, that we didn't see Eda give him enough credit when he covered for her lies to Kiraz. When Kiraz asked her why she didn't tell her Serkan Bolat was her father and then asked him when mom didn't answer, he could have easily told the truth and thrown Eda under the bus, big time, but instead he comes up with something that passes as an explanation, doesn't make anyone a villain, but also doesn't make him look great. I wish we'd seen Eda recognize that. It was a magnanimous gesture on his part, since he and Kiraz were the ones who were lied to for 5 years.

However, her running a bit hot and cold this episode makes sense. On one hand when she's around him her heart feels that strong orbital pull towards him. She loves him. She always has loved him, she always will love him. Just like with Serkan, that will not change, and obviously didn't after heartbreak and separation. But it also makes sense that at times her head takes over and with it the fear and the memory of the pain and she freezes up a bit. It doesn't ding her or their love, she just needs time to let herself believe that this is really happening. That Serkan is back, that he still loves her, that he loves their daughter and wants to be a father and form a family. From the way she recorded those videos, how many times do we think she dreamed of them being a happy family together? I'm guessing a lot. Now it's within her grasp and I think she just needs to be sure that Serkan is for real before she fully succumbs to this dream.

She also needs to get over her pride, I'm sure there's a part of her (Ayfer's voice) telling her a woman doesn't go back to a man who hurt her that badly. But as we saw, girlfriend was snuggling with his shirt, she still has it so bad for him. But, pro tip, Eda, he wanted to stay the night, wouldn't it be so much more fulfilling to snuggle with the real thing? I promise it would... just let him in. The lawn scene was hilarious. Kerem is really and truly a gifted physical comedian. We know how tight the timelines are on this show and they don't get to do a lot of takes, but his stumbling over the furniture and falling was flawlessly done. Hande was great too... that bat! Of course the sexual tension in the robes and towel scene was magnificent. When she first walked in wearing that towell I thought my man was going to combust. That look on his face, priceless.

Speaking of priceless, what first-day Baba makes his little girl's dreams come true like Serkan Bolat does? Staying up all night to build her flying house? MY HEART!

What a fantastic first gift. It was incredibly thoughtful, it was meaningful to the two of them, and it was also Serkan giving a piece of himself (using his skills in what he does best as an architect) to her.

Absolute perfection.

And how sweet that Serkan wanted to spend the day with her alone!?! I really liked that because we all know he loves Eda, he wants Eda back, and he will use any excuse to spend time with Eda. And he could have done that here, but he doesn't. So the fact that he wanted to spend the day alone with Kiraz, clearly illustrates that his interest in Kiraz, his desire to be her father stands on it's own. Kiraz is not just an excuse to get close to Eda, he is pursuing both relationships, and they are both important to him.

Also you said that you have mixed emotions on the way Eda spied on Serkan, that she doesn't trust him, but honestly I really don't think it's about that. She might have been a little discombobulated by the idea because the man has never really spent any time with children and here he's thrust into fatherhood, but she trusts him and knows Kiraz is safe with him. Honestly, I think her biggest driving factor in following them is FOMO.

She doesn't want to miss this! She has wondered what kind of father he might be for years, and now she wants to witness it. She wants to be there and see what he's like when he's spending time with her. She also wants to be a part of it, and a part of her might be a little jealous. For years she's been the only parent, and now another parental bond is forming and it's natural she is curious what that's going to look like.

Melo even sees through her during their conversations while they're out spying. Eda pretends it's because she's worried that Serkan doesn't know what he's doing, but Melo susses out that it's really because she missed Serkan. I think she really just wanted to be a part of it.

And her ulterior motives are exposed when she reacts with jealousy over the park moms and then with Hulya. She's jealous over Serkan, but also over what it might mean if Serkan had a woman in his life that's not Eda. (Real simple way to ensure that doesn't happen, Eda, just saying). On first watch it was a little frustrating to watch Eda be upset about Huyla and not have it cleared up immediately. However, on the second time through I found it incredibly enjoyable to watch. Hilarious even. Knowing that Serkan is going to let her off the hook just a few minutes later, and it's not going to be a drawn out misunderstanding, it's very fun to watch him just totally bask in her jealousy. The way he sits there and giggles and is just so chuffed at her display was very endearing. Since he's been celibate for 5 years, I suppose he's earned an incrediulous laugh at her thinking he has all these women on the line.

Eda is not wrong to be concerned about the Bolat's ability to spoil Kiraz with material things, Aydan can get out of control, however I can't be mad at the pony. The girl asked him if he had horses the first day they met, she said she wanted a dad like Serkan who had horses, he HAD to get her one she could actually ride! The girl was deprived of her father for 5 years because both of her parents are stubborn, so, let's be real, she kinda deserves a pony. Besides Eda should be more worried about the "spoiling" she gets from her camp, where she, Ayfer, Melo and Burak let her get away with constantly running away/running wild, eating ice cream whenever she wants, being rude to strangers etc. The fact that she's taught it's okay to knock a customer's water over without apologizing is more damaging to a forming personality than a pony. (Yes, that was another dig at Burak.) The point is, spoiling isn't only about material things, and from the glimpses we've seen of Baba Serkan he's already taught her about taking responsibility (confessing to breaking the window and apologizing), being self sufficient (tying shoelaces, putting pjs on herself), and setting behavioral boundaries (don't shoot arrows at people in hotels, you shouldn't hug strangers). He's going to be a very good influence in her life, because despite growing up with material privilege the man believes in hard work, effort and personal accountability.

Anyway, loved that when Serkan told Eda about dinner with Engin/Piril/Can she looked so secretly pleased when she casually agreed to go. I think that goes hand in hand with why she was spying, she won't let herself admit it, but she so badly wants them to do things as a family. That was part of her tug o' war this episode. Wanting that, but then suddenly worrying that maybe she shouldn't want that after everything that's happened, those feelings are helped along by Ayfer's judgemental looks and comments, and Burak trying to assert his place and Eda maybe feeling guilty.

Eda's behavior at dinner perfectly summarized the war going on between her head and heart this episode. First she fights with Serkan, going so far as to tell him she hates him, but the second she gets good news she flings herself into his arms. He's the person she wants to celebrate with, he's the person she wants congratulations from. So even if she was mad at him, she can't help herself. Also thank you Engin for telling Eda how Serkan lost weight and didn't come to work for months after she left. Those are important things for her to know. Also reinforced later by Aydan.

And thank you, Jan, for planting that fear of her dad leaving again with Kiraz, because it gave us sleep over at the Bolat house. It also gave us Kiraz asking Serkan if he will leave her. A good question and I'm glad we have Serkan's promise to never leave her. Just with the way tragedy (and meddling family members and obsessed stalkers) seems to find both Eda and Serkan, it's good he's made that promise. And it's good that he knows she needs that promise.

Now onto the secret room. I suppose if you're going to keep all of that and you have a large house, then you might as well keep it in a special room. This was a huge missing piece for Eda. Something tangible that she can see with her own two eyes that proves that he never forgot her and has been pining for her since the day they parted. I thought Eda was suitably touched by it all, and the fact that he got her gifts for every birthday. Anyone else think that they're going to get married on the beach and she's going to wear those flip-flops, that white dress, and the locket when they do? That's what sprung to my mind. The Neslihan scarf product placement made me roll my eyes, though.

To be honest I really didn't care what the gifts were, all I cared about was that thank you cheek kiss. I DIE. The birthday-present-thank-you cheek kiss he gave her in 7 is one of my all time favorite scenes and this parallel was a long time coming and wonderfully executed. And then they delivered on the USTy stare off where they clearly want to make out, but they're not quite there yet. It was going to have to be Eda that broke them out of it, because up to Serkan they either kiss or he stares at her for the rest of time.

Did anyone else feel a crick in their back, neck, legs at how Eda slept on that couch? Serkan was as comfy as can be, stretched out using her legs as a pillow and her torso as a blanket, lol. I wish the editors would have given us a couple of more seconds lingering on them all contorted like that. It was too precious. It would have been sweet if they'd had Kiraz find them and watch them for a minute before waking them up. Show the parent-trapping gears turning in her mind.

Buba absolutely deserved Serkan showing up to spoil his outing. And of course both ladies instantly gravitated to Serkan. I liked this scene because it gave us over-the-top BDE Serkan, a whiff of "Drain the pool" Serkan, the comedy of Engin and Serkan doing the Cyrano thing, and the obvious little "fish" measuring metaphor. But what I really liked was Eda telling him that he didn't need to try so hard to win Kiraz, that he just had to be himself. That was important and lovely, and illustrated to him that she really did want him to develop a good relationship with Kiraz.

The best moments of the episode for them, though, came during their family stargazing outing. Loved Serkan's extra safety precautions, including the mirror just so he can see her in the backseat. Though, if he's that concerned about it, maybe a larger car, lmao? Kiraz tricking them into kissing was an auspicious start to the evening, hopefully that's a taste of things to come. I'm here for her forcing the two of them into intimate situations.

The way Serkan was looking at the two of them throughout the stargazing was something else. He was looking at them with such longing. Like he couldn't believe they were so close, but he wanted them so badly. DUDE, they are right there, continue to play your cards right (and not let Ayfer and Aydan spoil things, spoiler alert, they do) and you're just days away from having everything you want. Loved that he changed the Apollo story to give it the happy ending he wants. Hopefully, that gave hope to any doomsdayers out there that think this show is going to end in tragedy. (Spoiler alert, it's not).

The only shame is that they have that nice (if not detached from reality conversation since they pretend they're not going to be together raising Kiraz) adult conversation about cooperating and working out how they're going to deal with Aydan and Ayfer, only for things to go totally off the rails during said conversations. As I said off the top of this marathon post, it was totally unbelievable in the context of the rest of the episode, but as I always say you can't take this show too seriously, and I prefer to just enjoy the situations as they come and not get too annoyed when they take these writing shortcuts to drive the plot. I plan on very much enjoying Eda and Serkan forced to live together while they're (or at least she) is still pretending they're not going to end up together. Looks like next week is another fun romcom romp, and I'm here for it!