#i just wrote an essay please share it and be proud of me

[knucklestheenchilada]

Hi it’s me I’m asking abt the radiation girls bc EVERY TIME I see that wristwatch factory post I’m so confused bc I don’t know what to google to get answers pls infodump on me

Beans you have no idea how happy this has made me, cw that I'm adding pictures that may be unsettling to some viewers also this is very long, like reaaaally long

TLWR: The Radium Girls died horrific deaths due to painting watches with radium paint and the corporation responsible tried to cover it up. This tragedy helped to form OSHA

Okay so! The Radium Girls (i wrote radiation in the tag by accident whoops) where factory workers who painted clock hands and instrument dials with radium luminescent paint around 1920. 100 years ago! Neat!

So, this was back when radium and by extension radiation had just been discovered. Back then radiation was thought to be able to cure cancer, it was in make-up, toothpaste, fancy spa water, even butter. Radioactive tonics were being sold as a miracle cure snake oil. It was even called Liquid Sunshine with espresso like effects. And what can radium do my dear Beans? (besides kill you) It can glow.

Radium luminescent paint made clocks readable in the dark, which was a big deal when digital clocks and non-toxic-glow-in-the-dark stickers didn't exist. In WW1 soldiers needed to be able to see their clocks for maneuvers that needed precise timing in the dark/in trenches without being spotted by the opposing side (at the time wrist watches were seen as a lady thing until the war)

One of the factories that made those watches opened in orange NJ in 1916 called the US Radium Corporation (USRC). They hired about 70 women, the recorded youngest 14, to paint watches for the military with the paint. It was actually considered a fancy job, as it paid three times as much as a regular factory job at the time and the women were listed as artists in their town’s directory. They soon were called radium girls and they were 5% of female workers in the US. An estimated 4000 workers were hired by corporations in the US and Canada between 1917 and 1926. Working in one of these factories was a big deal

Radium paint powder is super pretty and after work, the ladies would sprinkle it on themselves and dance in it. They would wear their favorite dresses to work so they could get some of the paint/powder on them so they could glow all the time. Because how cool is the dame that's shining like an emerald in the dancehall when no one else is? The radium dust, since its dust, was in the air itself - so these women were breathing it in constantly, sometimes they would rub it on their teeth as a joke and they would paint their nails with it so they could glow as well. They started getting called ghost girls because when they'd walk home in the dark, they'd be glowing like a ghost. When they would blow their noses the tissue would glow

How do you paint those tiny bits of watches that need to glow? With a very tiny paint brush Beans! The technique they were taught to get these teeny tiny numbers on wristwatches (which sometimes were only 3.5 centimeters wide) was called lip pointing. After painting each number the woman pit the tip of the paintbrush between their lips to make it a fine point. With every digit, the girl swallowed a little bit of radium.

The women started to experiencing side effects of unknowingly feeding themselves radium pretty quickly in the early 20’s, including: chronic exhaustion, tooth and jaw pains, and stillborn births. 22 year old Molly Magia had to quit her job at the radium factory because of the aching pain in her limbs that was so agonizing eventually she was unable to walk. She had been wrongly diagnosed with rheumatism and was prescribed just aspirin at first. Soon, she lost most of her teeth and in their place were agonizing ulcers would grow. The entirety of her lower jaw and the roof of her mouth and even some of the bones her ears were said to be one large abscess. Her entire lower jawbone had become so brittle that her doctor removed it by just lifting it out

Her jawbone was riddled with teeny holes and this is because the body treats radium as calcium substitute but instead of strengthening the bones like calcium, radium kills off the bone tissue. The women weren't yet aware of the culprit, of course, that's because the specialist who had begun to ‘help’ them was Dr. Frederick Flynn of Columbia University

After declaring there was unquestionably nothing wrong with them, he turned out not to be a licensed physician but a toxicologist working for the very radium factory that the women worked for the USRC and the man who was introduced as his colleague was actually a vice president of the Corp. The USRC also paid off local doctors and dentists to tell the women that they were sufferings from syphilis and eventually that was their cause of death, which was shameful to the family

When the girls started dying from their radium poisoning, the first was Maggie on September 12th, 1922. She was 24 (that’s my age). The cause of death was listed as syphilis. 18 year old Grace started to work as a dial painter on April 10th, 1917, just 4 days after the US joined WW1. By the time Maggie died, Grace was having trouble with her jaw and suffering pains in her feet and so were other workers

Their legs broke underneath them (literally), their spines collapsed, and soon more were dying. The USRC denied any responsibility for the deaths for almost two years but when their bottom line was threatened by the shrinking sales due to the rumors that were spreading about the dangers of radium in 1924, they commissioned an expert to look into the rumored link between the dial painting profession and the women's deaths

The independent study confirmed the link between the radium and the women's illnesses but instead of accepting the findings and making the changes that had been suggested, the USRC paid for new studies that published the opposite conclusion. They also lied to the Department of Labor which had begun investigating about the verdict of the original report. In 1925, a doctor named Harrison Martland developed tests that proved once and for all that radium had poisoned the women

Martlin discovered that when radium was used internally essentially honeycombed the woman's bones. In 1925, Grace’s spine was basically crushed and she had to wear a steel back brace. She decided to sue the USRC but she spent two years searching for a lawyer who was willing to help her. She said, ‘It is not for myself I care; I am thinking more of the hundreds of girls to whom this may serve as an example.’

Other women's legs were shortened and they spontaneously fractured, sometimes the moment a woman realized she even had radium poisoning was when she caught sight of herself in a mirror in the middle of the night. The radium had embedded itself in their bones and had caused them to glow from the inside out

By then doctor Martin had also found that the poisoning was fatal as there was no way to remove the radium from their bodies. Grace was finally able to find a lawyer named Raymond Berry who along with Grace and four fellow workers Catherine Schaub, Edna Hussman, Quinta McDonald, and Albina Latrice accepted their case in 1927. They were seeking $250,000 in damages which is about 3.4 million today.

The USRC wanted to delay the trial as much as possible with the hope that all the women in the case would die before the outcome would be reached, so they kept calling these long recesses for months and months

By the time that women finally appeared in court to testify in January of 1928, none of them were able to raise their arms to take the oath #

The case was finally settled in the woman's favor in 1928 and it became a milestone of occupational hazard law and raised the profile of rad poisoning just as Grace had wanted. By 1927, more than fifty women had died as a direct result of radium paint poisoning. Despite denials of any fault by the USRC after the lawsuit they and other factories that dealt with radium laced paint changed the working conditions. They banned the lip pointing and they gave them protection protective clothing to minimize exposure and after these simple changes were instituted (which actually had been suggested and ignored years before by that independent study)

More women rightly sued which the radium companies appealed several times but in 1939, the Supreme Court rejected the last appeal. The survivors received compensation and the death certificates of the women who’s had been put as syphilis were changed to radium poisoning

Maggie's body was disinterred. Her bones were glowing.

The Radium Girls case was one of the first in which an employer was made responsible for the health of the company's employees and it led to regulations that saved lives and ultimately to the establishment of OSHA. Before OSHA was set up, 14,000 people died on the job every year. Today it's just over 4500 (which is still a fucking lot). The women also left a legacy for science that's been termed invaluable as it revealed the dangers of radium, so thankfully people stopped using it

Marie SkłodowskaCurie's notes from the 1890s are still considered too dangerous to handle without protection due to the high levels of radioactivity and are stored in lead line boxes. She died of aplastic anemia in 1934 resulting from long term ionizing radiation exposure

[the radium girls: the dark story of America shining women by Kate Moore was the main source for this post, some name’s may have been spelt slightly wrong and for that Bee (that’s me) is sorry]

[feral-ballad]

I woke up this morning, suffering from a slight hangover after drinking last night. I find myself drinking quite a lot these days, though, at least I would not be drinking alone.

Recently, I have discovered a truth about my being, one that I have ignored for many years, and that now turns out to be very destructible. I was doing quite well 'til the day I admitted to myself that I'm spending my life in the wrong body. I'm not sure if I can.. And there seems to be no solution.

I woke up this morning, feeling just as horrible, and reached out to tumblr in search for writings that would identify with what I'm going through. I was lucky and found your blog. I immediately ordered two books, ›This Wound is a World‹ by Billy-Ray Belcourt, and ›The Trees Witness Everything‹ by Victoria Chang. My question is, are there any more pieces of literature that you can recommend for someone who is feeling deeply ashamed and humiliated by the own body?

I deeply apologize to you. It just felt good to finally communicate this to someone. Thank you in advance ...and please know this: the pieces you share are wonderful picks, people like you make the world rich. Thank you <33

hey angel, i know this was sent awhile ago, i’m deeply sorry for the late reply. please don’t ever apologize for reaching out. thank you for being brave enough to send me this, it’s certainly not easy & i’m so so proud of you for it… truly. i understand how unbearable one’s own flesh can be. the concept is very scary, i know. i want to strip down and walk without it. it’s just like how Belcourt wrote, “sometimes bodies don’t always feel like bodies but like wounds.” it’s a huge burden. i’ve felt misplaced from my body my entire life. what reassures me a little is the fact that i’m never alone in this and that i’m not crazy. i try to accept the voice in my head that keep reminding me that this is bullshit. it never goes away, but it gets quiet sometimes. i really hope that volume turns down for you. i hope you’re okay and that you’re at least kind to yourself right now because you deserve to feel good about yourself. please take care, i believe in you ♡

Places I’ve Taken My Body: Essays by Molly McCully Brown

Disintegrate/Dissociate by Arielle Twist

If My Body Could Speak by Blythe Baird

Girls That Never Die: Poems by Safia Elhillo

DayliGht by Roya Marsh

Soft Science by Franny Choi

[thatkodochagirl]

▶️🎉1 Year on YouTube ▶️ 🎉

Today marks my 1 year anniversary of being a YouTuber. When I started creating Kodocha videos, I never expected to make so many new friends and gain so many subscribers who feel just as passionately as I do about the series.

Thank you ALL.

Not only did I become a YouTuber last year, but I also became a wife and an official resident of a new state in the US. 2022 was a big, and difficult year for me. With all the changes and adjustments going on around me, it was comforting knowing that I had the Kodocha community to go back to each day. 

So what inspired me to create a Kodocha channel? There are many reasons, so let’s talk about them! First of all, Kodocha is my favorite animanga series, and sadly there isn’t many Kodocha content creators online. However, the ones that do exist do such AMAZING work for this fandom. I want to give a shout-out to my friend Li over on Twitter (https://twitter.com/kodomonomochaa) for her incredible work gathering Kodocha media and resources for fans to enjoy. She has been a big part of my channel’s growth and is just a sweet person all around. Make sure to give her a follow on all her platforms!

I also want to give a shout-out to @thekodochaarchive, another great resource for fans to see rare content. There is a lot of interesting rare Kodocha media over on that blog/channel, I highly recommend checking it out! Watching the old Kodocha commercials is like being able to go back and time and experience Kodocha at the time when it was first being aired. I would have loved to have been a kid who grew up with that show!

Last but certainly not least, I want to give a HUGE shout-out to my girl @dailykodocha aka M, who runs the BEST Kodocha blog around and writes INCREDIBLE fanfiction. Please go and check out her fic about Akito during the middle school years; it’s SO good and she gets the characters so well. It feels like it could be an official Kodocha novel. Here’s the link to that! (https://archiveofourown.org/works/41971272?view_full_work=true) She also co-hosts our unofficial Kodocha podcast, “19 O’Clock News” with me. We have so much fun with it, and I look forward to sharing many many many more episodes with everyone!

So wanting to contribute more to a series I deeply love, I decided to create my YouTube channel, as I noticed there weren’t really any video essays about Kodocha anywhere. This felt wrong given how much there is to talk about with the series, and how deep the characters are. 

Many of the videos that you’ve watched from me for most of 2022 were formulated from ideas I’ve had in my head since I first saw the series back in 2016. That’s why I was uploading almost weekly, as the writing flowed so naturally as I’d had a lot of time to think about the characters and plot. 

I’m very proud of all the content I have put out thus far - but I will keep improving! I’ve been re-reading the series and am about to finish volume 10, and noticed some things that I should have talked about in previous videos. It’s crazy just how detailed Obana was when she wrote Kodocha! Just when I think I understand a character, I notice a new detail during a read-through and it completely shifts my perspective on them. I used to feel very indifferent about Fuka until pretty recently! Now she is becoming one of my favorite characters.

Another reason I started my channel was for my mental health. Being creative is what keeps me sane. Unfortunately, making music (my main creative hobby) just didn’t have the same spark for me anymore. It used to be my go-to activity for my mental health - but I think I had done it for so long that I got burned out. Also, I felt very limited in what I could do with music, but with my channel, I feel like I can exercise and hone my writing skills and also talk about something I love in a unique way. This summer, I created a second channel which I hope to upload more content on that focuses on obscure media, which I will use as another outlet to discuss things unrelated to Kodocha. I watch YouTube more than anything and would love to create similar content to YouTubers that I enjoy, where they talk about interesting things from childhood or just niche internet mysteries.

Kodocha is the only thing in my life that has ever consistently brought me joy. Ever since I found the series, it’s turned my life around in more ways than one. When I first watched the anime in 2016, it made what could have been a miserable year for me into something hopeful. Sana’s enthusiasm and positivity really awakened my own, and it’s stuck with me ever since. Maybe taking life so seriously isn’t the answer. Sometimes you just gotta shut up and smile, and not worry about things you can’t fix, and just go with the flow. I never knew by 2023 Kodocha would have brought me so many new friends and just a better understanding of myself and life in general. I hope everyone watching my videos can learn not only about the characters of Kodocha, but about themselves as well. My latest video, part 2 of “Exploring Sana & Akito’s Relationship”, actually helped me in my own marriage. Yesterday, my husband told me that he’s the happiest he’s ever been. It made me feel so good because the research and time I put into that video helped me better understand my husband’s love languages, which ultimately strengthened our marriage. 

Kodocha really is my light in this dark world and I hope I am able to spread the joy that it’s instilled in me.

Thank you for reading, and sticking around until now. There is a lot more Kodocha content coming in the future, as always. See ya! 💖

[erectedingold]

Life Update

Writing this on my phone, think i might rn getting a little sick 😓

but lots going on rn, started school & tbh as i get older i realize school ain’t that bad bro! im so thankful for my classes & i dropped a science class cause fuck science i hate that shit SO MUCH. but when i was doing that i mentioned in my email to my guidance counselor the college im wanting to go to & she says to me “you probably won’t get in your gpa isn’t there & your SAT scores aren’t there as well, maybe check out *college*”

first of don’t talk to me like that. i know academically i am far from great but my talent & ambition outweighs ALL of that. never tell an artist they can’t go to an art school they deadass don’t even have math classes there dude like who tf do you think you are? i know my talent & what i can & cannot do so don’t doubt me ever again bitch LMAO. second don’t tell me where YOU think i should go. like please. i am being so fr don’t ever tell me where i belong because ill go where i want. so watch yourself the next time you talk to me.

that whole interaction ruined my day. my whole life i’ve been doubted but i know who i am & what i can do.

but i wrote my essay & it’s amazing, & now im gonna get 2 letters of recommendation from my teachers. one from my english teacher & the other from my business teacher. then i got 2 open responses i need to write for & then i can send my applications. if i don’t get into this school im applying for in boston idk what ima do tbh, im applying to one in NY & one in NYC but like fuck bro i’d rather one here in boston especially when i have friends here. also applying to one in california 😴

but back to school, i think the older i get the more i realize how EASY shit is, my math is easy, my english is easy, intro to psychology easy, history is a joke, & my related class is easy. it’s just managing time in the class room like damn it makes me annoyed that my senior year of high school i don’t have anxiety with school anymore 😭 is what it is though that just makes this year easier for me 🙏

my new film is dropping tomorrow i’m really nervous for it i’ll be honest idk why, im afraid of it getting NO views but also it doesn’t matter it’s my art & im proud of it 😴 it don’t matter what anyone thinks because i do it for me 🤷 i make art because creating makes me feel alive. that’s what i do it for, i make because its second nature to me, it’s like breathing i don’t think about to at all it comes so naturally to me & im truly blessed to have my brain this way.

i hope everyone who views it can feel the passion though 🙏

I’m also not taking any disrespect anymore, i’ve been on my journaling shit & some more self development. i’m going to start reading more because i want to be a better writer & also expose myself to more challenging material. i’ve been watching more international films which has been on my list for a while, subtitles aren’t that scary guys! enjoy the art made around the world never let a language barrier stop you from that.

but also finally just more self discovery on my end & solidifying my boundaries whether people like it or not because i will NOT allow myself to be disrespected in my one life. idgaf if it’s just “jokes” because my perception is my reality & if your joke is disrespectful then shut the fuck up 🤷 i also won’t be giving my energy to people who don’t match or or appreciate me. you don’t deserve me. there some people who i show nothing but kindness & give the biggest helping hand to when needed & i don’t get that energy back so guess what im not trying anymore because you’re not worth my time. simple as that.

i’m not going to give pieces of myself to people who no longer deserve it. i know that i always have good intentions & share my kindness always & i will no longer allow myself to be a doormat. people have mistaken my kindness for weakness & i won’t let them mistake it anymore.

i don’t have to have everyone like me or respect me so boom if you don’t get out of my life i don’t need you because when i look in the mirror i love myself & respect myself & that’s all i need. as long as you have yourself you have somebody.

i’m also cutting out some bad habits that i started that have been damaging to myself. i deserve better because i love me.

i am proud of me & who i’m becoming. ive been making big changes this year & im telling you 2025 will be the year of diego. im manifesting it.

but yeah i’ve been getting closer with my dawg nathan much respect & love to him always. amazing & talented filmmaker who is my best friend dude & im happy me & him have gotten closer recently. we both got broken up with around the same time & we’ve talked like everyday since dude, the universe has plans for us. we’re gonna be great i can feel it.

&& speaking of universe that’s another thing. the universe has a plan for everyone including you reading 🙏 if you feel lost something will happen to bring you onto the right track of self discovery & self love. keep going even when it’s hard because the reward will be great. i have full trust that everything i manifest will come to life & i’ll reach all my goals.

thank you for reading this blog post, lots of changes in my life & i am human & experiencing & living & breathing & feeling emotions. thankful for my mind.

- Diego Muñoz

[hardfeeling505]

All about her

This story is about my experience became friend with someone i accidentally met on random tiktok live and i asking her to be FRIEND MOOTS

her nickname idk, i just call her M, she is the oldest child, from what i see she is a very good big sis to her younger sis(her sister is so lucky to have u M).height 5'4 feet in cm its like 162.56 (she told me how else i know😐)born on September something 2005. I thought i'm going to jail man😐 but i born on 2001 so it okay, thanks God for that✊ (im a little bit cooked tbh i'm on a thin ice right back there😔) she a Filipino Canadian Girl, raised in Alberta , Edmonton , Canada. It take about 24hr 45 min flight from my place. One day i hope for to meeting her in person😤,even though i know its not gonna happen(just me being delulu).

Actually, i want to witness the flower bloom in spring with my own eyes + Also meeting my buddy. She told me her province is known for Grand Prairie’s and stuff, it's like a full green land and have so many lake ,as i recall there also a moutain (6 hours ride from her home) bcs she told me that there is so many wild flower will bloom when it spring season. I bet the view is so beautiful, you know nature and beautiful, a word that can't be separated, and yes always beautiful + watching with her? Bro!! i gotta prepare insulin injection bcs i might got sick from all those sweet moment with her

(🗣️📢🔥🔥🔥this is not a pickup line).

Other thing about her.She is one of the lactose intolerant victim , can't drink or eat anything contain dairy stuff ,only almond milk. She told me she can't eat corndog ,poor her.😭 Bro!! i eat corndog like i cant even count how much i eat.When she say that , i wish i can give her a hug but must keep it halal (yes i'm a muslim). Furthermore, i like like like it when she go suddenly share random fact about her ,one example of it "i hate energy drink" and "im just got choke from reading your comment bro" , she so random Bro that is one of her charm and i loving it (as a buddy ofc)

And one moment, my dumbass go tell her to try drink banana milk, After re-read my chat i go Oof what have i done😐. I genuinely want to kick myself for that I'm so sorry M forgive me please i think i half asleep at that moment not thinking straight. 🙏 (im doom can't think of any better excuses Help😔)

Also the so CUTE impression of her i can't hold myself to tease her😭(im cooked). SO STRONG INFJ VIBE FR. There is one morning we chatting about breakfast , she say she making a toast bread, I ask her "M you eating the bread with what? peanut butter?" and she answer "i eat it with banana and something" , then i say "i like banana too" for real i like banana💯. Then, i saw my opportunity to tease her and i took it😭, i start with asking her "u know what i like too?" ,she reply "what?" , it might seem crazy what gonna say, i with my full consciousness say " i like strawberry jam, strawbewwy jam is so✨✨" , and she reply with "Oooh" then "okay". I feel like a bad guy at that moment but man she so cute i cant resist it I am so sorry M forgive me🙏😔. (i want to do it again frfr)

She going into Nursing then paramedics like ambulance people, praying for her to achieve her dream, Amin .Please God give her All the strength she need bcs im so far away from her🤲.(Proud for her Bro as buddy ofc).She enjoy work out so much (i like it too💯), consider it her hobby for now.She like to say LOL a lot i know everyone does but her LOL is different for me (dont attack me).

One more thing i like about her is her habits to explain to me about something until i truly understand, her effort Bro!!. (she like to express her feeling by put it all in her writing). I swear i will like and always read everything she wrote man like i feel like my eyes and brain (my whole life existance) is created by god to read her essay man, to listen to her. I literally crying right now while writing this. thank god i not writing this on paper man.She so precious to me Bro!!! like very unreal to me and i dont deserve to get to know her, to good to be true.

(Pls read this one paragraph below while listen to Everygreen by Richy Mitch & The Coal Miners trust me)

one moment , i talk to her about snow (we like to talk about random stuff) anyways it go like this i ask " M, is it spring there?" she answer "it still winter season " , after that i told her "i like winter but i like to see flower bloom in spring more" , and she start telling me all of her life experience living in 4 season, after that we caught in deep talk moment it for like forever for me (it feel long for me) It so beautiful man talking to her, its healing me. Then the sentence hit me.I dont want to lose her as a buddy ofc(she already on a somewhat relationship).

- her Twice bias is dahyun meanwhile mine is sana

- her Aespa bias is karina(same as me)

- her Nmixx bias is lily(same twice) Do you see there is a sign here.

Finally we are here thank for staying with me on this journey,The Main Topic is her MBTI😤

A Beautiful yet So Soft INFJ personality ,i have so much interest in this mbti man,you know this type of mbti is so rare. I am shooketh yes my jaw drop ahh so cringe but it is frfr when she told me her mbti i am so shock Lol, i never found this type before all of my friend male/ female is always started with E and end with J or some case started with I and end with P, what i want to say is it so weird to me this type of MBTI INFJ. It so UNIQUE thats the word .Don't want to be so hype talking to her so i tried to cover with "oh idk u were an I" meanwhile me talking to myself ofc she an I you dummy she like nature and stuff also she admire cat ☝️😃 Also it her fav animal. (i bet you 100 dollar she will pat every cat she bypass)

About her song taste is interesting .Quite similar to me or just the same genre?🤔 As expected from her MBTI type. Her fav song is My Love Mine All Mine by Mitski (this song is PERFECT just like her)😤 *i want to cry again bro. She has 39K+ minutes streaming on spotify for this song ALONE (she told me). JUST FOR 39k MINUTES ??? THE SONG IS IN YOUR BLOOD GIRL FRFR . It Mother Mitski song never ever doubted her song✊). One statement from M. "I actually have 209k minutes of listening to music on Spotify😌"

I want to ask her ig so bad Bro!!! or anything that can i use to reach/contact her others from tiktok. i can't use my sticker that the main reason, all my hilarious meme collection relatable go to waste and also i'm a coward.

Something i truly get hurt from is the fact she have anxiety/panic attack(she frequently got stomachache).I really want to know how to pleasant or calming her, tbh i try search and read many article about anxiety, unfortunately ,i don't find any effective ways just some drinking water and stuff like that😔. Even though i suffer from same thing but i too don't know any tips.Maybe try go to therapy session like me once a week?(its not working for me my therapist just want my money i know it not that right Mr Lim? you scammer he is chinese).Article nowadays is unhelpful.

I think i just like her personality or am i? or im just too easy to catching feeling (maybe its true). It just a phase i guess i will get over it😌

Sorry i forgot to put her Newjeans bias(her ultimate Gir Group). Her bias is Kang Kaerin😸 , i agree with her Kang Haerin is so cute but She more cuter to me ahh i wish i could tell her this, what a coward i am. Ofc bcs they share the same Mbti INFJ (she like her so much, i bet her photo album of Kang Haerin is more than 500+ pic). Her bias wrecker is Danielle🐶(my bias), YES if you notice there is pattern here.If you a Bunnies, DaeRin Friendship you will get it what i mean. Also i make a Favorite Collection on my tiktok profile for her, I know i know, it nothing but i should do something for her. The Title "For Her , yep U" . I remember creating it 3 day after meet her, and ofc as buddy nothing personal. My tiktok name is Newjeans Haerin (cactus name)🥕 on her Jean'Zine solo vlog.

Btw I'm an INFP My MBTI ,funny right?

About my MBTI there is story too🤟.

Before the covid, i take the MBTI test between 2018-2019 i'm still in college back then and My first MBTI test result is ENFP. Fyi, i'm quite not shy person. Main reason, 2nd child curse?. i believe this is so true My family always ignore me frfr😭 but i know deep down of their heart they still care or maybe bcs“ i'm annoying "ahh kinda kid back then, I like hugging them, its that wrong?😃 that not a crime and i am still kid. I think clingy is the word😌🤟.Don't blame me, since birth i'm like this (im cooked)

After Covid, between 2023 year i retake the test the reason is i notice that my social skill is gone ,maybe bcs im live alone. Literally, It was like i scare to talk , i'm worry that someone will judge me when i approach them. I hate anxiety bro!! My condition is so bad at some point i can't breath normally , it like my chest is so full, i took various antistress pill(i stop taking them now) this entire pain after years not talking much to someone, only my cat Lol, i love my cat he so cute like frfr😭 his name is kuromi. he a black cat with yellow eye + he like hugging me,he is the only creature that like back when i hug😭 the other half of me. About friend i have friends so many friends but i don't usually contact them by phone or online its just me, i prefer go meet them , stop by for a drink like that , Face to face Obviously before covid what harm can happen to you by doing outdoor activity?get hit by car? actually that is harmful.Super harmful actually, really what the dangerous thing could happen to you? got sick from fever? Back then even social anxiety scare to me😔. Yeah i know what u thinking My friend when don't like the idea i want to hug them too , that not a new things to me i'm just joking 😔(im not).Frfr i have so many friends. It so easy to make friends Bro!! like just go talking to someone new i don't see any problem at all . It just 2 human talking like .

you=>🧍🏻talking🧍🏻<=me

Agree with me Dangerous Virus is just a myth before covid-19 exist, its like a movie title Bro so dumb. Just a small dumb virus ruining my life.

Continue my story about mbti test , i retake it, the result come out, and i got the INFP BRO!!☹️ as expected ,yeah the E is gone. Untill now i still not retake the test but im 💯 sure the E is back bcs starting this year at my workplace i slowly not slowly tbh Lol, easily can approach people now bro like frfr, i think i enjoy talking to people back , i like listen to them. i know what u think the hugging thing i can control it now.Bro i'm a grownass man now😭 (i still like hugging but not other gender keep stay halal). Maybe i should consider retake the test again this year🤔.Overall For who reading this now.Thank You Very Much For spend your time reading my yapping essay about someone who already i lost contact with. My conclusion is, Heals Really Take Time FRFR,you just has to trust the process.

#MBTI#Healing#infj#enfp#infp#Mitski#yapping#shortstory#fantasy#humor#frfr#halal#anxiety#covid#imcooked#haerin#danielle#newjeans#nmixx#lily#aespa#karina#twice#dahyun#sana#spotify#🥕#feeling#tiktok#tiktoklive#canada#alberta#edmonton

side note : i type all this while listen to her fav song on loop, I'm not good at writing essay unlike her, sorry for all grammatical error or miss place, word conjunction. Thanks all for the memory M. Hope ur doing Great Now.

[donnabroadway]

Incorporated

Hello, all. In addition to my essays, I am also an author. I have been working on this series of stories for sometime and I wanted to share some of it with you all. Please enjoy. All rights reserved.

Incorporated

Dayana (Day-ah-nah)

Chapter 1

Her instincts were right. They are following her. She knew she never should have applied for that stupid post office job. She got to the portion of the background check and never heard back. It was that stupid shop lifting charge. Who gets arrested for a shoplifting razors from Walgreens 10 years later?

Maybe if I lay low, they’ll leave me alone.

No, it’s been a month and they’re still here.

Stupid.

Dayana Brenton uncomfortably adjusted her purse and pressed the button to cross the street.

Screech

Great. Maybe if I die today, I will avoid federal prison.

Dayana steps back on the curb and allows the black Maxima to pass. She nods at the driver politely.

She adjusts her black polyester skirt, matched with a black short sleeve blazer, burnt orange tank top, and gold statement necklace and crosses the street, making sure she wasn’t going to meet her maker today. It was every bit of 2009.

Another interview. Another “we’ll be in touch.” Dayana needed a job and she needed it now. It had been a year since she graduated from Coppin State University and she had only worked sparingly. It’s not that she didn’t want to work. Let the pundits tell it, Millennials are lazy and entitled and don’t want to work but this is the beginning of the worst economic recession in 20 years and finding a sustainable job wasn’t easy. It doesn’t matter that she was an English major. She did everything right. She was president of clubs, joined a sorority, attended national conferences, had internships, was known to the president of the school, she was secretary of SGA, she had a 4.0 GPA for two years, all her professors knew her and liked her, and she wrote for everything she could. She was a staple of the Moore Library. She was the golden child of the English department, and she still couldn’t find a job. Didn’t matter. She had accounting friends and computer science friends who couldn’t find a job either. Maybe it was the school but they did give her a scholarship. Who knows. Whatever the reason, she couldn’t do another soul demoralizing interview. She was a college graduate who just got rejected from JCPenney. Something’s gotta give.

These heels are about to give.

Dayana adjusts her black heels from Barefeet Shoes. $19.99. A graduation gift to herself. Who knew she wouldn’t be a great editor a year later? The job market sucks. Maybe she should stand on this corner, she would probably make more money.

Unemployment runs out in two weeks and rent is taking her last few checks.

I need a job

Excuse me, ma’am. I need you to come with me.

Dayana is jolted out of her thoughts to see the black Ford Focus with government tags parked besides her and a tall Asset, who looks like he’s straight out of Men In Black standing in front of her.

“For what,” she responds, looking the Asset up and down. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Ma’am get in the car,” the Asset responds.

“And if I don’t.” She’s trying to be tough but Dayana is scared. If she disappears, no one will be looking for her. Her mother is useless and her father disappeared years ago. Last year, Dayana was so proud of herself, she put herself through school with little debt and now she was either about to be kidnapped or homeless sleeping in the car she bought with her financial aid refund. I’ll take dead for 300, Alex.

“That was an order, not a request.” He opens the door and after a few seconds, Dayana sighs and gets in. He pulls out a walkie talkie

“I got her.”

A muffled voice responds on the other end.

“I have Ford.”

“Does anyone have Rodriguez?”

“No, we’re still looking.”

“Copy.”

“We’re headed to headquarters.”

“Got it.”

Ford. Rodriguez. Who are these people?

The Asset closes the door and gets in the car.

“Where are we going,” Dayana asks. Silence. Not even a grunt. No response, no music, just pure silence for what seems like hours.

copyright 2023@donnabroadway ariat7media. all rights reserved.

[brainrotdotorg]

12 & 18!

12. Any trope i haven’t written but really want to. You know what. I still haven’t written an “only one bed” fic. Classic. Simple, to the point, the absolute ROOT of easy ship content. I gotta do it.

18. Oboy, let’s see… I feel like taking a line from an essay would be a cheat (“My thirst will never be slaked for the things I love. I will continue to consume, and continue to burst with joy. The only things preventing me from doing so are my own preconceived notions of brainrot, cringe, and authenticity; the idea that protecting yourself from feeling shame is more important than indulging yourself in what you are passionate about. It is up to me to decide where my priorities are, to make the choice every day whether I will bend to the will of the timeline or if this timeline will bend to me. To decide if I will listen to the world, or listen to my blorbos. Perhaps one day I shall find my own singularity, who is happy to acknowledge me as I am. If I have any desire to be authentic, I will not listen to those who do not wish to see me in my purest, most “cringe” form.”) so I won’t offer commentary on it. Instead I’ll just share it anyway because I’m proud of it :)

But for real a passage from a fic (that I have yet to share!) am extremely proud of is probably this: “Leather-clad fingers curl over the steering wheel, pockmarked by the dash of glittering lights. His eyes are focused on the road ahead, flickering across the runny paint that makes up the outside. There is no fear on Kim’s face. There is no apprehension. Not for a moment does he waver. He is in control of this small pocket of the world, this car, this metal shell moving so fast that God cannot catch them. It is his domain. Harry is in his hands.”

It is one I really, really like. To explain why I like it so much would be to spoil the fic. This was actually one of the first DE fics I ever wrote, but decided not to share because I was too nervous— however I got some great feedback on this story (from actual real life people, by the way— I’ll be honest, I submitted this as my creative writing final after filing the serial numbers off. I got an A.) that was extremely encouraging !! I may end up posting it. But anyway anyway from the context that you have here, I feel like this is a really strong passage without being overly verbose or flowery, I have problems with that in writing sometimes, dragging things out and spelling out stuff that the reader already knows. This passage was an exercise in restraint for me— I didn’t have to spell out how Harry was feeling, why he felt that way, etc. You just get it from what he is focusing on! I’m pleased at the atmosphere I was able to create with this. It may not be the BEST thing I’ve ever written, I’m sure if I did some more digging I could find a line that blows this one out of the water, but in any case I’m delighted by it : )

Anyway I’m rambling lmao there’s my answer !!

[jamesbuchannan]

What, Like It’s Hard? | p. one | j.b.b

Summary: Y/N’s boyfriend breaks her heart, calls her dumb, and she decides to go to law school. Also, she spills her coffee on a cute boy :)

A/N: If this sucks pls tell me I will rewrite it.

Pairings: Future Bucky x Stark!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of breakup, self doubt, if there’s more please let me know.

previous part: prologue

You had sat in your room for weeks. What the hell just happened? I mean, you’re Y/N Stark goddamn it. You’re beautiful, you’re smart, your father is Tony Fucking Stark.

Your friends would peek into your room occasionally to make sure you were still alive, bringing a fresh box of tissues along with them. Yeah you were sad because he broke up with you, but it was so much more than that.

“Sweetie, you can’t sit in here for the rest of your life and wallow over some guy,” Meg stated. You knew she was right, but she also didn’t understand.

“Meg, it isn’t just because he broke up with me. Sure, it hurts like hell. But it’s why he broke up with me that hurts more. How could he say those things to me? I’m just as smart, if not smarter, than he is!”

“I know, sweetie, he’s an ass,” she sighed, “What would make you feel better? Smoothies? Spa day? Watch Gavin Porter play field hockey shirtless?”

“Getting into Harvard.”

-

Your academic advisor was absolutely perplexed.

“Y/N, we have spent years working on your masters in education, why the sudden switch? Are you sure this is what you want?”

“I’m not giving up my dreams of becoming a teacher, I just think I can do both,” who said you couldn’t go to Harvard while also teaching the minds of todays youth full time? “I swear I can do this.”

“Okay, this sheet of paper here has all of the information you’ll need for the LSAT,” she hands it across the desk, “it will have study information, exam times you can sign up for, and it says there is no cutoff score, but you need to shoot for higher than a 173. You also need to have a few good recommendation letters and a good essay. Good luck.”

-

Studying was the worst part. What if you’re doing all of this for nothing? What if Kyle was right? Maybe you aren’t smart enough for Harvard.

No, you’ve made it this far. You have studied your ass off, wrote an amazing admissions essay, and have had countless professor write recommendation letters. You’ve got this.

This is the monologue going through your mind as you sit there with your freshly refreshed screen.

Click Here for Your LSAT Score.

“You want me to do it?”

“No, I need to do it,” you sigh, “thanks Meg.”

Click.

178.

Holy shit.

“Holy shit!” Meg yelled, “You did it, Y/N! I’m so proud of you!”

Next came your acceptance letter. It all began to feel so real. How is it that in a span of a few months you decided you wanted to go to Harvard, and now you’re holding your acceptance letter?

-

“You promise you’ll call every single day?”

“I promise, Meg. I’ll even call you on the days where I have to stay up till 4 in the morning studying some boring murder case,” you guys have been hugging for a solid 4 minutes now, “I’ll especially call you if there are any cute boys.”

“Ugh! You better. I need pictures, for science,” she giggles, “and hey, remember, you’ve already proven Kyle wrong. Forget about him.”

“Yeah, I will. I just wanna see his face first.”

-

The ride wasn’t that bad and your dorm room is pretty nice. You have your own room, which is great seeing as you haven’t had to share a room since freshmen year. You spent the whole first day making your room more personal, needing to feel some form of home.

Luckily, you were able to get evening classes, your first class starting at 4pm. It fits perfect with your schedule at the local elementary school, having gotten a teaching job in the Kindergarten department. You’re worried about the time and workload, but you believe in yourself.

It was around 6am as you head towards the parking lot, away from campus. Suddenly, you run into someone full force, knocking your coffee onto your shoes and this stranger.

“Fuck! I’m so sorry! I am such a fuckin’ klutz.”

You look up in the midst of your rambling to see a massive, behemoth of a man. Great, now you look like an idiot in front of this beautiful man.

“It’s okay, genuinely, it’s fine,” he laughs a bit, “Why are you walking off campus at 6am, do you not have class?”

“Um, yeah, I have class later. I’m on my way to work,” Why are you telling this stranger your schedule? God, he’s making you so flustered.

“Work? What, daddy doesn’t pay your tuition?” your face falls a bit, and he can tell, “That made me sound like a douche, didn’t it? It’s just, most of the students here don’t work while in school, they usually don’t need to.”

“I’m a kindergarten teacher. And yes my dad does pay my tuition, but I teach because I love it.”

“Wow, well I admire that. I can’t imagine being a teacher while being in law school. Well, I’ll let you get to work, but it was nice meeting you. I’m James, but my friends call me Bucky.”

“Well, James, I’m Y/N. Hopefully I won’t spill my coffee on you again.”

masterlists: if you’re crossed out, check your settings. if i forgot you, pls lmk!

master: @criminallyautumn

what, like it’s hard?: @vicmc624​ @teenagedreams-bucky​ @hotleaf-juice @white-wolf-buckaroo @ashpeace888 @ts1mp0ne @buckylokisimp

[headheartbellarke]

DISTRACTED | Charlie Gillespie

Requested by anon: “5 times reader (girlfriend) is almost distracted by a shirtless Charlie and one time she actually is.” PAIRING(s): Charlie Gillespie x fem!reader WORDS: 1.6k WARNING(s): some charlie thirst, what’s new ;) SUMMARY: 4 times Y/N is almost distracted by her shirtless boyfriend and 1 time she actually is.

0.

You pride yourself over the fact that you never get distracted, no matter what. But sometimes, just sometimes, you can’t help it.

Especially when your boyfriend looks like that.

1.

You sigh, running a hand through your hair. Your eyes feel as if they are burning, and the ever-persistent headache of yours seems to be particularly intense today.

Yet, pushing all that tiredness away, you keep typing, typing, typing. The deadline for your essay that carries twenty per cent of your grade of your final year of college is tomorrow, and you’ve still got three hundred words to write.

Three hundred words does not seem like a lot on any other day, but after three cups of coffee and seven hours of staring at your laptop screen, it feels like death. The fact that you seem to be in a rut right now doesn’t help, either.

You scrounge around your brain, trying to pull ideas from each fold, but it’s useless. Maybe it’s the exhaustion, or maybe it’s because of your boyfriend, Charlie, who has currently resorted to painting your toenails after not getting any sort of attention from you for the past few hours.

Ever since lockdown started, you and your boyfriend have been living together in your shared apartment in Toronto. You two have been planning to move in together for a while, but his work and your college always seemed to be obstacles. But this lockdown gave you both the perfect opportunity – plus, it was time, too. You two have been dating for more than four years – although, you’ve had a crush on him for as long as you can remember, but the intensity of it was realized only in the moment when he kissed you after an amazing prom together – you guys went together because you were best friends and loved being around each other more than anything. But the fact that there could be something more, something hidden in years of friendship seemed unlikely to the both of you before that day.

“Done.” He says, proudly. Your eyes leave your screen to look at the beautiful emerald colour on your toenails. You smile at him, and say, “That’s gorgeous, Char. Where’d you find it?”

He shrugs, a lopsided smile on his face. “It was in the bottom of your bag.”

You nod. “Right. I bought it the day before my last offline exam ended. I forgot.”

He smiles. “Now, will you pay me some attention?”

You purse your lips and pretend to be thinking. “Hmm… tempting, but no. I still have to get this done.”

He groans, dramatically. “You have been ignoring me for past hundred hours!”

You chuckle, ruffling his hair. “You’re so dramatic. It’s only been half a day. Now, go away. I need to finish this.”

He groans, again, and you wonder if he’s finally given up.

Instead, he rolls off the bed, and stands taller, leaning against the doorframe. “Y/N?”

You hum in question, as he makes a show out of taking off his T-shirt.

You bite your lip and remember how long it has been since you’ve run your hands on his chest. But you know that he’s doing this on purpose, to get a fraction of your attention. He knows and is proud of the fact that he has a hold over you, and the fact that even after four years, he still gives you butterflies over the slightest of smiles.

So, instead of giving in, you crawl under your covers with your laptop and decide to work there, as you suddenly gain inspiration, and thank yourself for not being distracted by your boyfriend’s absolutely beautiful body.

“Oh, come on!”

2.

The second time hit happens, it’s a Tuesday morning, and you’re giving an exam. Your laptop is in front of you, the face of your teacher and classmates filling your screen, as the sound of your pen scratching against your answer sheet fills the room.  

You bite the end of your pen, pondering over a question when you suddenly hear your boyfriend’s voice. You look up, and notice him, shirtless, and talking on the phone to someone.

“Yeah, I mean, we could do that…” He says, and your eyes trail across his back, as he stares out the window on the wall opposite to you.

“No, Mom, we’re not gonna drive to Canada. I’m not that crazy!” He exclaims, and you arch your neck to get a better view of him, and the sweatpants hanging low on his hips.

“Sure, I can ask Y/N…” He says, and you quickly avert your eyes back to your paper, just in time to hear your teacher call out your name.

“Y/N? What are you looking at?” She asks, and you adjust your headphones, clearing your throat.

“I thought someone was at the door. Sorry, Ms. Harrington.” You’re painfully aware of the warmth spreading through your cheeks, and as she nods, you start writing again.

You hear Charlie whisper a ‘sorry’, and you smile at him – he thinks that the reason your teacher just called you out is because he was going to ask you something.

You don’t correct him – his ego doesn’t need to know the fact that you were almost distracted.

3.

Just one more question, you think. One more question, and you’re done with this semester.

But your mind is wandering, and the fact that you still have thirty minutes left doesn’t help. When this exam started, you thought that you wouldn’t be able to finish it in time and wrote as fast as you could, but now there’s plenty of time and just one, tiny answer left.

You rest your elbows on your desk and check on your classmates. Everyone is frantically scribbling, and you smile evilly at the fact that you’re not one of them right now.

“Honey? You have a minute?”

You hear Charlie from behind you. You nod, and say, “I’m listening.” You don’t turn back, since you have to keep an eye on your teacher. (She is knitting right now, for some reason.)

“You wanna go somewhere for the holidays?” He says, his raspy morning voice causing goosebumps to appear on your skin.

“I’m not sure… I mean we just came back from Maui last month – do you think it’s wise to go somewhere again?”

“Well, we’ll maintain social distancing, and use masks.”

“I’m not sure…”

“Come on, it’s our fifth anniversary!”

You finally look at him, and your breath catches in your throat. He’s shirtless, as usual. You mentally curse him as you think that you need to add ‘no being shirtless for no reason’ to your household rules. (Currently, you have three: one, no disturbing the other while working; two, following the chore chart; three, no spilling coffee or red wine on the white living room rug.) (The last one has occurred more times than one might expect.)

You focus on keeping your eyes trained on his, but you still struggle to form words. “I – not a wise idea…”

He grins, understanding the situation, as you avert your eyes back to your paper.

“Please, baby?”

You know he’s pouting.

“Fine.” You say, just to get him off your back.

“You’re the best!” He presses a kiss to your cheek and is instantly gone. As your mind still tries to hold on to the frayed strings of the warmth and the smell of his presence, you pray that your classmates didn’t notice the interaction.

4.

You smile at Charlie’s mother, who is talking animatedly on your phone.

“Then, I told Meg to get some sugar, but she bought salt instead, and to top that, she dumped the entire bowl into my batter! Now, it tastes like absolute shit!” She glares at Megan, Charlie’s sister, who smiles sheepishly from behind her.

You laugh. “Like brother, like sister.”

“You know it.” She says, her French accent thick.

“So, I was thinking… Maybe, after the holidays, we could fly back to Dieppe? It’s not like we’re gonna go to college any time soon, so –”

“Yes, please! I miss you guys so much. You know, last night –”

She starts to say something else, but your boyfriend is doing push ups in front of you, and it’s really, really, really hard to focus, especially when his body is glistening under the afternoon sun.

He seems to feel your gaze, and sharply turns towards you, while you quickly look back to his mother.

“–but the point is, I miss you two.” She finishes, while Megan nods. “Me too, sis. It’s so boring here without you two.”

You smile and can feel warmth in your stomach. “Of course. I miss you guys, too. Charlie’s so boring.”

“Hey!”

+1.

You exhale and close the lid of your laptop. “I’m done!” You yell, and Charlie instantly appears at the door, and runs towards the bed you’re currently seated on, and jumps atop.

“Finally! I missed you!” He says, wrapping an arm around your torso, pulling you closer.

“I missed you too, baby. But now I’m done with all my assignments, so I’m all yours for the next two weeks!” You sit on his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck.

He grins, and your eyes avert to his chest, but this time, you let yourself be distracted, because after weeks of sleep deprivation and pure torture, you deserve this.

You smile, connecting your lips, and run your hands on his chest. He smiles against the kiss, and you whisper, “I love you so much.”

“And I love you so much.”

as always feedback and reblogs are highly appreciated!

[akinari-kashihara]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Thanks....

I feel I should be requesting legal counsel for this

Please see under cut

My Wife, My Husband, The Love of My Life

Zelik Lindemann from Mother Keeper

People of the jury, I am a simple man. Eight years ago, I met Zelik. And I have loved him since that day. What more could be asked of a man - a blorbo, if you will - than to be 165cm tall, and able to punch a wall down in a single blow? What more could be asked, than loyalty across decades? To be beaten, scarred, to lose an arm, and to go back because people need him. To be beloved by all who've worked with him. And when he makes a promise, even if he wasn't the one that broke it, he will fulfil the punishment he agreed to.

And to put me in the awful situation of being unable to write fics because I share a name with the man I ship him with. And because Mother Keeper gave me everything I could ever want.

2. 祝え！

The Greatest and Kindest Maou; Tokiwa Sougo from Kamen Rider Zi-O

Sougo is just a little serotonin machine. I see him and I am filled with joy. I love him. He's everything. He wants to be king, one that is good and kind, despite being destined for evil. In his heart, he's a bastard. A master of getting people to do what he wants. He shows no hesitation in having Woz serve him, perfectly willing to call him on a whim. He'll command armies of destruction without wincing. But he's so sweet and loves his friends so much. But he'll never give up his dream for them. They simply need to learn why his dream is so great.

Until it's Heure. No dream is worth losing Heure.

3. The Light In The Darkness, The Midnight Sun

Shun Kageyama from Kamen Rider Kabuto

I wrote a whole essay on my feelings about Kageyama's plot and how he is in fact a fantastic leader. I will stan endlessly.

But also he's so small and Uchiyama Masato is just so cute (he's still cute he makes me 🥺)

4. 虎ーちゃん！！ こっちこっち！！！

Satoru Tojo from Kamen Rider Ryuki

Like, Ryuki is already a masterpiece but I think about Tojo specifically so much. He's just a fucked up little guy! Sensei look at me! Sensei are you proud of me? Sensei, I can be the hero you want. Sensei, if a hero is one who sacrifices what they love and grows stronger for the greater good, I can do that. You were the most important person in my life, Sensei, so that's why I have to lose you.

He wants to be a hero so bad. But he wants to be a hero because he wants Sensei to be proud of him. Really, he wants sensei to give up his wife and family so he can have sensei's attention.

And he's such a poignant part of Ryuki's idea of people achieving their dreams, not through magic or miracles, but because they did something.

5. My Best Girl

Sweet-P from Caligula

I adore Sweet-P so much. She puts up with so much as being not only one of the oldest among the musicians but having to babysit Shadow Knife, Stork and Shonen Doll. Like what did she do to deserve that? She put up with so much in reality and now she's expected to play babysitter when she just wants to have tea parties with her friends!

I know people don't like Overdose, specifically related to her, but I actually really enjoyed her story. There's a lot she doesn't like about herself and her appearance. You get the feeling of someone who truly does feel they've left living their life for themself too late. And she has to work to overcome disliking herself, instead of trying to change herself. While Caligula is messy in things like its depiction of weight, Sweet-P ultimately puts focus on it not mattering. Her friends know they're fat but they're happy. They're more upset that the real world won't accommodate them or share in their happiness. Sweet-P can start to accept she doesn't have to give up one happiness to achieve another. She can transition and still eat what she loves. She just needs to do what makes her happy, not what she feels she has to do. It puts a real interest in what a character wants versus what a character needs. Sweet-P wants to be a cute (petite) girl. She needs to do what makes her happiest, even if it doesn't achieve what she wants.

6. My absolute disaster

Ike-P (Koike Tomoya) from Caligula

I can't go off as strong about the writing of Ike-P but I love him so much. He's a disaster. He's having his quarter-life crisis. He's been put in a group of weirdos because he doesn't want to go back to working his dead-end retail job when he wanted to be an idol. Unlike Sweet-P, he gets thrown in the deep end with people who are like yea let's blow stuff up and he's desperately going "wow is that a shark wow" to move on.

He's in so deep over his head.

But also his entire relationship with Izuru-

7. Devour Your Enemies

Heat from Digital Devil Saga

He's hot, next question.

Also eats people so like-

8. Twinkle Twinkle

Zett from ToQger

ToQger, like Ryuki, is a masterpiece on purpose, and Zett is such a key part of that. He wants to be good. He loves the world, he loves everything he sees. He wants to be happy and a part of everything.

But he's trapped in a situation where he can't be happy, and he can't get free. He has to be the emperor of darkness. Everyone around him benefits from his misery so they will keep him miserable.

And he loved Right from the second he saw him. When he can't go to Right...

He'll bring Right to him.

And yet he doesn't want either of them to be miserable. He just wants out.

8. Another Big Cat and Sensei

Tatsuya Sudou and Akinari Kashihara from Persona 2 (Do NOT separate them)

I don't know what it is with big cats and their teachers but...

Obviously, my URL namesake and I feel bad that they're this low down the list. They're the root of my problem, after all. They're where it all began.

So much of their backstory is just hidden away in P2 (and let me tell you I adore P2 for how much missable content there is) but oh how I think about them. Akinari didn't do the right thing. But he wasn't evil. He did what he thought was right, and did his best. Tatsuya latched onto him and saw someone to lean on. Someone who cared for him when no one else would. Who didn't see him as a bother, but as someone amazing and special and he wasn't a monster - for just a little while. And Tatsuya would carry that on, seeing Akinari in Jun.

And Akinari's own life falls apart because he's trapped in a marriage he was never fully on board for but society pushed him into. Despite it, he loves his son and will do anything for him. AND I STAND BY AKINARI JUST WASN'T THE KIND OF MAN TO DIE HOW HE DID. I WILL NEVER ACCEPT THAT.

Also, I'm always thinking about how Sudou is so separated from Akinari-Nyarlathotep in the masked circle. Like he doesn't cling to that Akinari how he did the real one. I always feel like he knew and accepted no one would believe him on it.

9. You thought I cheated on the last one? Watch this

The Whole Main 6 of UuultraC

I saw Isshiki and went wild but then was like oh is he my favourite tho but then I couldn't decide who so it's all of them I love them all so much.

I have a primer for UuultraC luckily

10. Blorbo of the Week

Luo Binghe from Scum Villain Self-Saving System

My partner is very loving as I tell them for the 15th time today about LBH and SVSSS and my blorbo thought pollution. I have been talking about him non-stop since SVSSS Vol 3 was originally meant to release but then it didn't so I just didn't shut up cause the brain worms were so strong. What am I meant to do???

I think LBH should be an honorary kitty cat for how much he loves his Shizun. He deserves to join the kitty cat club. He's just a big boy that cries a lot and is so desperate for love and attention. He needs headpats and to be housewifed. It's his preferred state of being but people aren't willing to accommodate that!! The world is too cruel to him!! And I want him to be so big and imposing to then hit people with his being a needy housewife

[uzuitengensfourthwife]

Fallen hard (Sanemi x femReader)

Warnings: none its pure fluff, and well my bad writing and grammar lol

Word count: 2410

Authors note: Okay I got to be honest with you guys. I wrote this back in September or October and posted it on Wattpad, I think (Yes I used to be on wattpad cries) But I really like REALLY wanted to share this on tumblr because its cute and sanemi deserves fluff. I really hope you enjoy it. Im already working on part 2 :)

Sanemi’s POV

,You're going this time right?'' Genya looked up at his brother, eyes full of hope that his brother would go to today's parents' evening. Especially now, that he had a new homeroom teacher. His brother, however, really couldn't care less, he maybe went once a year and that's usually the first and last time a teacher would see or talk to him. Still, he had to go today, Genya wanted him to go.

Yet his Brother's answer was bold and harsh. , And why would I?" Yeah, why would he? Genya started to think of a good reason why it was so important for him to attend today, but all he really could think of was his new teacher and that would certainly not be enough of a good reason for his brother to go. Well, he could at least try and give him this as a good reason to go, but in all honesty, he didn't want to get yelled at.

Sanemi however seemed to notice his brother's nervous behavior. , Just spit it out already.'' he demanded in a sharp tone, staring down at Genya. , W-well... we have a new teacher since last month... and don't you think you should show up? J-just to be polite...'' Genya stuttered, trying to avoid his brother's piercing gaze.

Sanemi just scoffed, trying to get away from this pathetic behavior of his brother. He would not join this damn parent's evening, not even if there was a new homeroom teacher. He already went once a year, wasn't this enough? Of course, the school disagreed with this, but goddamn it this was just a waste of time and that's exactly why he only went once a year. No more.

, Aniki, please... I'll do the dishes for the rest of the month!'' Genya tried again, he had to make his brother go and this was the last thing he could think of that might, just might work as bait on his brother.

Surprisingly, it worked. Sanemi then turned around, looking at his brother as he made another offer. , Two months, and I'll go." This was too good to be true. Genya smiled at his brother as he nodded, agreeing to his brother's offer. , Okay, sounds fair." - , Good. When do I have to be there?'' Sanemi asked. , 8 pm.''

Well and this, this was the reason why Sanemi was now waiting in front of the Classroom. Waiting for his brother's teacher to come out and finally talk to him. 

Sanemi sighed in annoyance as he thought about how convincing his little brother was. He should've charged him way more than just two goddamn months, he should've charged him at least a whole damn year. If not even more. Even so, he could not return time and now had to deal with this new teacher of Genya. And if he was honest, he did simply not care about this new teacher. He was already thinking of how great he'd feel when he could finally leave when the door of the classroom suddenly opened and a woman, most definitely younger than him, stood there smiling at him.

, Mr. Shinazugawa, please come in." her voice was soft like a feather, kind of soothing as she said his name, kindly inviting him to enter the classroom. He was shocked, he did not expect his brother to have such a teacher, all day he imagined her to be an old hag, but instead of an old hag, a wonderful young woman was standing in front of him.

, I'm Y/N L/N, nice to meet you." She held out her hand as she introduced herself and waited for him to take her hand for a handshake. And so he did. , Sanemi Shinazugawa, pleased to meet you as well." he coughed out, slowly shaking her hand. God, why was he so nervous all of the sudden? It was just his little brother's stupid teacher.

Yeah, what the actual fuck was he even nervous for?

, I'm glad you had the time to come, Genya was afraid that you might not be able to attend." - , Well.." Sanemi started as he looked in her (e/c) orbs, I guess I was able to take some time.''

Her smile only grew bigger, showing him to take a seat in front of the teacher's desk. , And for that, I am very grateful. There's a lot of stuff I want to talk about.'' She sat down in front of him, going through a pile of paper, probably looking for Genya's folder. , So... what did the idiot do?" Sanemi sighed out, already preparing himself to hear what Genya did wrong and what HE had to pay for. But instead of hearing any complaints, Y/N only chuckled, leaving Sanemi dumbfounded as he watched her with confusion. , Oh he didn't do anything bad. No, indeed he's a very good student! Everyone adores him!" But that, Sanemi didn't hear.

As she started to brabble how great of a student his brother was, all he could do was watch her. Examining her soft features. He was fascinated, nearly hypnotized by her beauty. For once, he was thankful that his brother was so convincing. Sanemi might be harsh, however, he was able to acknowledge a beautiful woman when he sees one. And this woman right in front of him, was out of his league, maybe even out of this world. If he had to describe her beauty, he wouldn't be able to find the perfect word. She was just too pretty, too beautiful, too stunning. Probably even an angel, sent from above. And her soothing voice just fit her beauty so well. God, she was perfect, and for the first time in a while, Sanemi had forgotten how to think properly.

,,-and that's why Genya has already gotten so many good reviews from teachers from all subjects. So- Mr. Shinazugawa?" He suddenly heard her calling for him, snapping out of his thoughts.

Oh god, he was so deep in his thoughts that he even had forgotten to listen. He knew the moment he saw her that he has fallen for her, but ....he didn't know he has fallen that hard., Ah... I'm sorry..." he whispered in an apologetic tone, rubbing the back of his neck. The teacher in front of him however just chuckled again waving her hand, as if she was telling him that there was no reason to apologize. , No worries! But well as I was saying, Genya is a really good student and has gotten many good reviews from all kinds of teachers. Not only that... but his grades are pretty good as well. Almost only A's!" She then handed him a pile of all the grades his little brother has gotten so far, he didn't care, but for the sake of her, he took a good look at all the reviews and grades she has handed him.

He hummed in response, once he looked through all of the stuff, giving her back the paper as he answered. , I have to admit, he isn't that bad." She shook her head and scoffed, taking the papers he was holding. , Please, not that bad? God, he is pretty amazing if you ask me!!" The young woman then leaned in closer, frowning as she looked Sanemi in the eyes. , You should be more proud of him. After all, he told me you are his role model. He looks up to you and thinks you are an amazing big brother." Sanemis eyes widened at the statement, as Y/N slowly leaned back, obviously waiting for him to say something.

He then let out a low laugh, once again not sure what he was supposed to say. , That's... surprising.." The young teacher then slowly shook her head. , Well..." she shortly after said looking back up. , Just remember that he adores you a lot... oh and with that being said... You should read through this. This is just one of Genya's amazing essays he has written." the smile was back on her face, easing the tension between the two adults.

She handed him over an essay his little brother wrote, he knew he was supposed to read through it, but oh god he was just so distracted by her.  So he just had to pretend he was reading, while in reality he still tried to get over the beauty of this woman in front of him. He wasn't usually the type to show affection towards anyone, nor fall for someone this easily. But she, for some odd reason, got him all riled up.

, So...?" the younger woman nagged, curious about what Sanemi was going to say. , I'm surprised that my brother is actually this good." She nodded, agreeing with him. , He indeed is very good."

Sanemi had to confess, he hated the way she was praising his brother, for basically everything he did. Of course, she was his teacher and was actually supposed to say these things and yet he felt like she shouldn't praise his brother, but him. Yes, she should praise him, however, she probably knew too little to even be able to praise him. Damn, they have only ever met. So where did this sudden jealousy come from? And why only after they have met? It would've made so much more sense if it happened months after they've met, but now? After literally 10 minutes. Stupid, he thought, that was just stupid.

No, he was stupid.

, Is that all?" Sanemi looked at the small figure in front of him, still, inside he was hoping she wouldn't let him go so easily, that she would keep him here a little longer.

, Hmm... let me think.." she went through her bag, that she had now on her lap, looking for things she still had to mention before she would let him go. , Ah yes.. here." she handed him a few brochures of Universities, smiling at him. , You should start talking with him about applying to a few Universities. Probably these in particular. They'd fit him really well.''

Sanemi grasped the brochures and went through them, just then he noticed those were high qualified Universities. Even the one he went to himself, was listed as well, which made him feel some kind of pride.

, I hope you have realized that those Universities are popular amongst qualified students." - , I know," he answered as he pointed at his former University. , After all, mine is listed as well." Her eyes widened in surprise as she took a glance at where his finger was pointing at. , Tohoku University?" She was amazed, he could see that right away. The way she just looked at the brochure and her tiny hand that was placed right in front of her mouth.

, Yes indeed, but I don't see why my little brother-" she shushed him without hesitation, suddenly standing up and looking him in the eye. , Mr. Shinazugawa, your brother is a smart and a very skilled person! You should encourage him to go to Tohaku University as well!" this time she wasn't saying it to just sound nice, no it was the other way around. She said it because she actually meant it. She was dead serious about this. , Why... just why do you think he is that great?"

She slowly sat down again, a small smile forming on her lips. , Because he's just as great as his bigger brother." Sanemi was shocked, no not shocked but rather.. surprised, yet, she didn't hesitate to add more to this statement of hers. , Now that I've met you, I can totally see the resemblance. He's just like you and I totally see why he has chosen you as his role model."

He was once again astonished. , Has- has he said that?'' She nods, as she watched him. , Yes he did. He has mentioned you a few times. Fact is, he looks up to you, so I've guessed you must be an amazing brother.''

Part of him was embarrassed and wanted to disappear right away, the other part however was full of pride, thanking his brother for talking so highly about him in front of his teacher. The teacher that left him speechless.

So, sanemi smiled a little, looking away und scratching his neck as he did so. , Guess my brother wants to be a Mathematics major as well, huh.'' She hummed in response as she put away his little brother's folder. , Well... I guess we have talked about everything. Is there anything you want to add, or mention?''  Sanemi started to search for something, but obviously, there was nothing he could think about. She had probably mentioned everything she wanted to talk about and he, well he didn't want to attend the parent's evening, to begin with. So, he sighed and shook his head.

There was nothing, and with that disappointment came. He didn't want to go yet, but he couldn't just possibly stay here and talk to her any longer, let alone ask her out. That would probably seem to be very rude. But little did he know, that she just felt the same.

The sudden silence that lingered between him and her, made both of them nervous and uncomfortable.

, Then... I guess there is no reason for me to hold you back any longer.'' she was the first one to break the silence, and oh god he most definitely didn't want to hear these words. And yet, he played it off cool, getting up and marching towards the door. But before he could even reach the door, she suddenly spoke again, stuttering at the beginning. , M-Mr. Shinazugawa?''

Sanemi turned around, glancing at her. He then realized that she seemed... somewhat nervous. But why?

, I know... this is probably inappropriate to ask... but... would you mind joining me for coffee once..?'' Without even thinking, he answered, I would love to.'' and with that, he smiled at her as he exited the room and leaving the young woman perplexed.

Strolling through the building, he realized that there was a stupid little smile plastered across his face. Oh these feelings, so exotic and wild. He was not used to them, but somewhat liked the thrilling feeling.

Falling for someone wasn't even that bad.

[cjsinkythoughts]

A History Lesson

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 4741

Warnings: Vulgar language, I think that’s it (it’s mainly fluff like Bucky’s)

Summary: You never were fond of history...but if history gives you a man like that? Maybe you could deal with it.

A/N: Here it is! A little later than I had hoped, but my brother is visiting, it was his birthday this week, work’s been a bit hectic, and I ended up writing a little something for Bucky’s birthday on Wednesday, which I didn’t mean to. I got it done, though! First Date with our dear Cap’n Spangles! I have all the First Date ideas for the other Avengers lined up, but I think I’m gonna put this on hiatus for now. I’m gonna try focusing on my College!AU at the moment. If you guys want, I’ll share my First Date plans, though. If I find time, I’ll write the next one. If you haven’t noticed, I have a fondness for collages, so I might do what I’m doing for my College!AU Project and make collages for the other First Dates before writing them. Anyways, enough with my ramblings. Enjoy the date!

You keep checking the clock, waiting for this lecture to be done. You typically enjoy school, but history isn’t a strong suit for you. You try in history, you really do, but all the information - the dates, people, places - it’s too much. You constantly mix things up, no matter how hard you study. And you don’t really get the hype. Who cares what these dead guys did? It happened, it’s done, and it’s time to move on.

“That’s all for today! Don’t forget your papers are due on Monday! You’re dismissed!”

You let out a groan at the mention of the cursed research paper. You had stayed up for hours the previous nights working on it, but so far you have squat. The essay is on the Second World War (more specifically the differences of life between Americans and Europeans at the time), and you know you should’ve done it when it was given a week ago, but your shitty memory makes it difficult to write a paper without five million textbooks in front of you and you don’t have time to go to the library every night between work, friends, and other projects. So, you haven’t done it yet.

Exhausted, mentally and physically, you collect your things and head out of the lecture hall. You pull out your phone to text your friends, telling them you have to work on a paper tonight and you can’t meet up for dinner like you all usually do on Fridays. Deciding to take a breather before working, you start out to the bench overlooking the Potomac River, which you always sat at to relax and just…be. The scenic walk through DC and the sight of the steady river flowing besides the busy city always calms you. 

You sit there for a few moments, letting the slight breeze chill the skin that’s warmed by the sun, listening to it ruffle the trees. The blush pink blossoms that appear when Spring sings her song and chases away Winter flutter to the newly grown, bright green grass below. You enjoy all the seasons, unable to help but love the unique beauty each brings, and Spring is no exception, despite the allergies and tests she brings.

And speaking of tests…

A soft sigh passes your lips as you get out your laptop. You might as well start writing, or at least researching, that paper. You never were good at relaxing when there’s work to be done.

You’re so engrossed in getting the stupid essay done and over with that you don’t notice the jogger who pauses in his run by the very bench you are slaving away on. “Savin’ this seat for anyone?”

“Huh? Oh, uh, no. Go ahead.” You answer distractedly, not even looking up from your screen as the owner of the deep voice sits besides you.

A few more minutes pass in comfortable silence, before you ruin it with a grumble and delete half the paragraph you just wrote. “That doesn’t make sense.” You change tabs to look over the information on the page you have pulled up again, only to furrow your eyebrows. You’re pretty sure the information is wrong. You may have a shitty memory, but you’re sure that the information given on this page is in contrast to the information given in the book you were reading a couple days ago.

“What’re you workin’ so hard on there, honey?”

You let out a huff, throwing your hands up in the air in defeat. “Some dumb research paper for school! It’s on World War Two, and I can’t remember what’s right and what’s wrong and it’s a stupid topic anyways that my stupid teacher assigned! Who fucking cares about a hundred years ago? And how the hell am I supposed to know this? I wasn’t alive! You know what I…”

The words die on your tongue as you finally glance over at the stranger keeping you company.

Blonde hair that seems gold with the way the sun is hitting the strands, which are damp and in slight disarray due to his exercise. Bright blue eyes reflecting the sky above, hidden beneath long lashes that you’re immediately envious of. Pretty pink lips, matching the cherry blossoms on the trees surrounding you, pulling up into an amused sort of smile. The makings of a beard lining his jaw and littering his cheeks.

Steve Rogers. Captain America. You just ranted about how stupid history is to Captain fucking America. You just ranted about how you have to write a dumb essay on World War Two to Captain fucking America.

Ignoring the way your body heats up, starting in your toes and climbing up your legs, chest, and neck to reach the tips of your ears, a nervous little chuckle is all you can give. You clear your throat, trying to think of how to apologize. “I guess you wouldn’t know what I mean, huh?”

What in the ever loving fuck was that? That was not an apology!

You clear your throat and try again. “I-I mean…sorry. It’s not - I didn’t mean-”

“No, no. It’s fine, sweetheart.” The grin he shoots you makes you glad you aren’t standing up, knowing full well your knees would’ve buckled if you were. You open your mouth to apologize again, but he shakes his head before you can speak. “Really. It’s okay. I get it. I used to be a student too. And you’re right; it was a long time ago and there’s a lot of things that happened. Even I have a hard time keeping track of everything that went down.”

You merely blink at him, nodding slowly. Say something. For the love of God, please just say something. Anything! “Yeah. I can barely remember what I had for breakfast this morning.” Really? You’re sitting besides the one and only Captain America and that’s what you decide to say?

You feel yourself slump your shoulders slightly, trying to shrink down into absolute nothingness. But even that wouldn’t work because he’s got that friend of his that could shrink and he’d find you. It seems that you were destined to be embarrassed in front of one of the most beautiful human beings on the planet. Screw the universe.

Instead of teasing you or embarrassing you further, he chuckles and nods in agreement, his eyes lighting up. “You’re not the only one. My pal Clint has got the absolute worst memory. We tease him all the time for it. How he became an agent with the memory of a goldfish, I’ll never know.” You laugh at that, your muscles relaxing and your anxiety easing up.

“Yeah, well, I’ve gotta get through college before I’m in the clear.”

“Don’t worry about it, honey. I’m sure you’ll be fine. Uh…so, a World War Two paper, huh? Need some help? I’m kind of an expert on the topic.”

Breath hitching as he scoots closer, you swallow thickly and shrug. “I don’t want to bother you. You look like you’re in the middle of a run.” You gesture to the tight ass t-shirt hugging his torso that you’re sure is sizes too small for him and the joggers hanging off his hips.

Following your gesture, he looks down, before shaking his head. “Nah. I’ve already ran a few more miles than I was going to today.”

“Are-are you sure?”

There’s that grin again. You’re not sure you’ll be able to survive him tutoring you if he keeps  giving you that adorable toothy smile. “Honest. I’ve got the rest of the day. We can go to the library if you want. Or we can stay here. Whatever works best for you. I don’t mind either way.”

You blink again, like an idiot, as you process his words. Whatever works best for you. What a gentleman. “Uhh…I was about to head to the library anyways, but I really don’t want to bother you-”

“Trust me, honey. It’d be my pleasure.”

“If you insist.”

“I do.”

You let out a soft laugh and nod at his insistence, starting to pack up your things. “Okay. I’m Y/N, by the way.” You stand up as he does and offer your hand.

“Steve. But I guess you figured that out.” Taking your hand, you expect him to shake it, but he squeezes it softly and brings it to his lips instead.

Clearing your throat, you tease him a bit to hide your bashfulness at his actions. “You’re a real gentleman, aren’t you?”

He shrugs with a slight smirk, gently dropping your hand and letting it go after another squeeze. “My momma raised nothing less.”

“I’m sure she’d be proud.”

His playful eyes go slightly more somber at that, his smirk morphing into a grateful smile. “Thank you.”

Giving no reply, you smile softly and nod your head to the path. He nods back before quickly falling into step besides you, asking you more about your paper as you walk to the library.

* * * * * * * *

Giggling behind your hand to stay quiet, or at least attempt to since you both had already been berated by the librarians for being too loud, your attention is once again diverted to Steve and his stories.

It started out fine; he helped you find reliable books and told you which things were true. But not even half an hour passed before Steve told you a story about the Howling Commandos after something in a book reminded him of it. Your concentration since then has been split between your paper and Steve’s retelling of his past.

“Sorry. I keep distracting you. What’s next?”

You snicker again and shake your head. “No, no. It’s okay. I’m almost done anyways. I’ve actually written down a few things you said, if you don’t mind me using them. My professor can’t exactly argue with Captain America, now can he?”

His lips pull up and his shoulders shake in silent laughter. “I guess not. Of course I don’t mind. You can quote me anytime. See?” He nudges you with his shoulder playfully. “History isn’t so bad.”

“Not when you’re telling it.” You respond earnestly, grinning up at him.

“Eh, Bucky’s always been a better storyteller than me.” He gives a little shrug and rubs the back of his neck.

You shake your head at his modesty. “Well I think you do just fine. You’re the first person to get me interested in history. Hey, can you read this over for me? I just need to finalize this paragraph and do the conclusion.”

When you receive silence as an answer, you look over at the blonde with an eyebrow raised. The ocean eyes scanning over you make you a bit self conscious, so you shift slightly in your seat, making him come back from whatever thoughts overtook his mind. “Sorry. Of course I can, honey. That’s what I’m here for. Let me see.”

He gives you a few pointers on what to add and what to get rid of, before you finally finish, saving your work and closing your laptop with a huff. 

“What a mind workout. I’m sure my brain’s got abs now.”

Heads swivel towards you two as Steve guffaws, a lady a few tables down shushing him. He apologizes, still snickering. “Abs, huh?”

“I mean, not as good as yours but…” You freeze, inwardly facepalming. And you were doing so well.

He gives you a cheeky grin. “I’ve got good abs?”

“Oh don’t give me that!” You hiss out quietly. “You know you have good abs. I’m just stating facts is all.”

Another soft chuckle leaves those pretty lips and he twists in his seat to crack his back before standing to collect the books you both got out. “When’s the paper due again?”

You stand to help him, but you get a case of the butterfingers just as you go to pick the books up, making the pile tumble to the floor. “Ah shit.” Steve smiles gently at you as you huff and give him an exasperated look. “My bad.”

He snickers, bending down to help you despite having his own books to carry, like the gentleman he is. “So? Due date?”

“Monday.” You answer with a sigh, straightening up. You carefully set the books on the table to pile them better. “We should get the grade back by Friday.”

He hums, taking a few more books in those strong arms of his. “Ah, well, you’ll get a good grade. I believe in you.”

You smirk at him as you shift your bag so you could carry books under your arms. “I’m sure I will with your help, Captain.” He scoffs and rolls his eyes at your teasing manner. “Thank you, by the way.”

“Of course. I had a good time.” He sends that stunning smile your way and this time you are standing. Luckily you have a table to lean on casually instead of falling on your face. “Plus, now you’ve got a free weekend.”

“Ugh. I wish.” You shake your head. “This is my final semester before I graduate. There’s loads to do. But this makes it easier.” Heading through the aisles of the library, you catch sight of the time on a clock on the wall and your eyes widen. You’d been there for a little over three hours! “Damn! I’m sorry I took up your Friday, though. I’m sure there’s things you want to do before you have to go back to New York, huh?”

Shrugging his broad shoulders, he runs a hand through his golden locks and drops the books he had in his arms on the desk for returns. “Not really. I’m here for the next couple weeks, actually. Meetings and stuff. Plus, it doesn’t even take me an hour to get here, so I can really come whenever I want.”

“That’s nice.” You follow his lead and set your books down, readjusting your bag on your shoulder. “I wish I could go to New York whenever I want. I’m way too poor for that.”

He chuckles again. You’ll never get tired of the sound of his laughter. “I’m sure you’ll get there one day.”

You shrug half heartedly, not really believing him. You’re barely making it in DC. There’s no way you could make it in the Big Apple. “Sure. Someday. I’m serious, though. I’m sorry you wasted  your time with some stressed out college student instead of enjoying time with your friends.”

“I’m serious too, honey. It’s no problem; I enjoyed it. And it’s not a waste of my time. Not as long as you get a good grade.”

You laugh as the two of you head out of the building, stopping on the steps and facing each other. “How will you know if I get a good grade?”

He purses his lips in thought. “Meet me at the bench next Friday.” He finally said, his eyes sparkling. “Then we’ll see. Until then, Y/N.”

You grin, taking the large hand he offers you, firmly shaking it before he can kiss your knuckles, making him snicker. “Until then, Steve.”

* * * * * * * *

Feet pounding against the concrete, you practically jump when you spot the man already sitting at the bench. “Steve!” You shout happily, waving your paper in the air. The blonde shoots up, a brow raised in curiosity. “I got a 97!”

You come to a halt in front of him, but it’s too quick, so your clumsy feet trip over each other. Before you can fall, he catches you with ease, smiling down at you in amusement. Small pants leave your lips as sweat trickles down your spine. Where’s that breeze when you need it?

“Uhm…oops?” What the hell was that?! That was embarrassing, that’s what it was!

He chuckles, straightening you up. “You were saying?” 

With pride lifting up the corners of your mouth, you shove the paper at his chest, once again grateful that he ignored your blunderings. “97%!”

“I told you you’d be fine. And I knew it wasn’t a waste of my time.” Steve looks up from the paper to give you a toothy grin.

“Thank you again.” You take the paper he hands back to you and shove it in your bag. “I probably would’ve failed the class without this grade. Is there really nothing I can do to pay you back for your time?”

He taps his chin in faux-thought, before tilting his head innocently. “You can loan me some of your time on Sunday.”

You purse your lips, confusion written over your features. “My time? On Sunday? Oh!” You light up, figuring he just needs help with something. “Yeah, duh. Okay. What do you need help with? I can promise I’ll try my hardest, but I might not-”

“No, no. Honey, that’s not-” he laughs, shaking his head and grabbing your hand to make you stop rambling. “I’m askin’ you out.”

“Out?” You pause, registering what that meant. “Like…on a date?” Is he serious? There’s no way he wants to go on a date with you. You pretty much called his life story boring, to his face, and then made him spend three hours on a Friday evening at the library working on a college paper with you.

He snickers with a nod. “Yes, on a date. So whaddya say, sweetheart?”

“Yes!” You blurt out without thinking, before you shy back, feeling yourself heat up as you tend to do around this God of a man. “Y-yeah. Yeah, I’d love to. Sunday. I can do that.”

He beams adorably, like a child being allowed to buy his favorite candy bar. Or a puppy with his favorite toy. Yeah…he reminds you of a puppy. Which only makes him that much cuter.

“Awesome! Meet me here at noon. Does that work?”

You nod vigorously. “That works perfectly.”

“Perfect.” He repeats, before taking your hand and bringing your knuckles to his lips once more.

* * * * * * * *

You’re sitting on the bench, tapping your toes nervously and checking your phone every minute. He said noon and it’s only eleven thirty. It’s a bit inconvenient, to say the least, when the place you go to relax is the place you’re meeting the person making you anxious. You could barely sleep the previous night, too many doubts lingering in your head. You seem to always be making a fool of yourself in front of him, but he was the one who asked you out, so that had to count for something.

You try not to think too hard about it, instead thinking back to last Friday in the library and how his features lifted when he told stories of his childhood and the Howling Commandos and the grin he got when he told you about the things they used to do that would get them in trouble.

“But I’m Captain America, and who’s gonna say no to this face?”

A little giggle leaves your lips as you remember his words, before you’re startled back to reality as a familiar smooth voice sounds besides you.

“Whatcha giggling at, honey?”

You whip over to see Steve grinning in amusement, leaning on the back of the bench. Your eyes drag down his figure. Another too tight t-shirt showing every ridge and curve on his torso, a jacket over his broad shoulders along with a casual pair of jeans. You had seen a meme about Steve having the proportions of a Dorito and, looking at him now, you can see how true it was. It almost makes you laugh again, but you remember what exactly is happening, and you suddenly can’t find anything funny.

“Sweetheart? You alright?”

“Huh? Oh. Yes. Yeah. I’m fine. I was just…thinking.”

He raised an eyebrow, smirking and leaning his forearms against the back of the bench next to where you’re sat. “And those adorable little giggles?”

There’s that familiar flush that you’ve learned to ignore, praying to God he didn’t notice your heart skipping a beat. “Uh, I just remembered something. That’s all.”

He gives a little hum, before hopping over the back and landing besides you. “Seems like we both had the same idea. Gettin’ here early.”

“If you must know, I was just…” You shrug. “To be honest, I’m a little anxious.”

“I’m not that scary, am I?” He teases, nudging you gently.

You roll your eyes and give him a look. “I don’t think there’s a bone in your body capable of being scary. I’m just…I’m nervous I’m gonna embarrass myself…again.”

Steve shakes his head, looking at you earnestly. “You’re not gonna embarrass yourself.”

Picking at the hem of your shirt, you scoff, shaking your head. “I already have. The amount of times I’ve tripped or said something stupid or rambled, which I’m doing right now, or-”

“Honey, honey. Slow down.” The blonde chuckles. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I find all of those things endearing. Now, the amount of times I’ve seen my teammates slip and fall on their faces while chasing an enemy? That’s embarrassing. Just the other day, Buck tripped on the roof of a car. Sam has it recorded.”

You let out a laugh at that and nod. “Okay, okay. Sorry. I didn’t mean to get all insecure on you-”

“It’s fine, Y/N.” Steve insists. “Now,” he stands and offers his hand. “Let’s go get some lunch, yeah?”

You look at his hand before looking up at him and taking it without hesitation. “Okay.”

* * * * * * * *

After rounds of questions during lunch, Steve took you around the Smithsonian to all the different museums. Just like history, you had never been overly fond of museums. You typically walked around for a little bit, never really reading the information, only enjoying the pictures.

It’s different with Steve. Just like how it was different writing the research paper with him. He makes everything interesting, telling you his own facts and stories. Especially once you get to his exhibit in the Air and Space Museum.

Once you arrive, he puts on a hat and ducks his head, trying not to bring attention to you both while on a date. You tease him a bit, swinging your linked hands as you walk in with a cheeky grin. He nudges you with his elbow, his own smile painted on his lips.

You can’t help but listen and hold onto his every word, as if you’d die if you forget a single sentence. The light in his eyes as he talks about his past, showing you the pictures and plaques excitedly. Like a child during show and tell, he’s practically skipping from exhibit to exhibit, dragging you along behind him.

Giggling at his elation, you eagerly, and with no resistance, let him take you through his story. “They keep updating it.” He explains as you leave the area with World War Two and the Howling Commandos, entering through a corridor with modern pictures of him and the Avengers. “Every couple years or so they call me and tell me they’re adding another thing.”

“Doesn’t that get annoying?” You wonder, reading a wall about the Battle of Manhattan with interest. “Your whole life being put on display for everyone to see?”

Steve shrugs. “I dunno. I’ve never really minded. They don’t put in personal things, so it’s not too bad. You could learn more from the internet about me.”

You nod, knowing how true that really was. “You’ve got a point. Still. It must be a bit weird being a national icon.”

“I’ll admit, people stopping me on the street is getting a little old. I used to wish to be someone who changed the world. Now I have and sometimes I wish I could be normal. But I wouldn’t change what I’ve done. Who I am. Not if people can learn from it. Not if I can keep people safe.”

Turning away from the wall to glance at Steve, who has his hands in his pockets studying the wall, you smile and tilt your head. “You’re a good man, Steve Rogers.”

He turns to you, his lips pulling up. “That’s all I hope for.” His voice is quiet, earnest, before it becomes lighter as he gestures back to the wall. “You know the first thing we did after winning was go out for shawarma? It was Tony’s idea.”

“No way.” You laugh. “All six of you?”

“Yeah! We go there for every Battle of Manhattan Anniversary, now. I’ll take you some time. It’s a nice place.”

“Is that a promise?”

He smirks at your teasing tone. “Absolutely.”

* * * * * * * *

After your museum hopping, he takes you to Arlington Cemetery to show you a few friends and fellow soldiers he met all those years ago. It’s such a personal intimate thing that he shares, and you think you shouldn’t be there to witness it, but he’s quick to reassure you that’s not the case. That he wouldn’t have anyone else by his side, listening to his stories.

By the time you get back to the city, it’s getting dark, so you two head out for dinner before Steve takes you up the Washington Monument to look at the city lights. He makes sure you have the top all to yourselves; there’s perks of being an Avenger - especially one of the leaders.

“Alright, alright.” Leaning on the rail, you turn to him with a smile. “So maybe history isn’t as bad as I originally thought.”

“Yeah? I convinced you, did I?”

You roll your eyes at his smirk, shoving his shoulder lightly. “Maybe a bit. But only when you’re telling it. You think there’s any way you could come to history with me?” You joke with a laugh, feeling yourself flush at the chuckle and grin he gives you.

“I wish I could, honey.” He spoke softly, running a thumb over your knuckles. “Unfortunately, I’ve got work to do. I’m heading back to New York tomorrow. I’ll be back on Friday, though. If you would want to-”

You beam and nod energetically. “I’d love to go out again, Stevie.”

Giving your hand a squeeze, he beams back. “Fantastic.” He looks back out to the window and gives a little sigh. “It’s gettin’ late and you’ve got class tomorrow.”

“Yeah. I should probably get going. Do you, I mean, would you mind walking me home?” You blink up at him through your lashes hopefully.

“Of course!” His eyes - which you found throughout the day weren’t entirely blue, but had some green hues to them - lit up as you two start towards the elevator. He tucks you under his strong arm, pulling you close. “You wanna get ice cream or something on the way?”

“You read my mind, Captain.”

* * * * * * * *

By the time you reach your door, you’ve both finished your ice cream and he’s telling yet another story while you laugh, once again swinging your linked hands. 

When it comes time to say goodbye, you can’t help but wish your hand could stay in his for a while longer. Knowing that you’d be saying farewell, you hold on a bit tighter. “Pick me up on Friday?”

He nods, squeezing your hand before letting it go and brushing his fingertips along your cheek. “I’ll call you later too, alright, sweetheart?”

“Okay.” You agree eagerly. “You gonna kiss me goodnight now, soldier?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He chuckles softly, before gently grabbing your chin. Using his other hand, he pulls you closer by the waist, pressing his lips to yours. It’s soft and sweet and perfect, just like him, but it ends too quickly for your liking. He pulls back, nudging his nose against yours, and murmuring against your lips. “Sleep well.”

You smile, leaning your forehead against his. “Good night, Stevie.”

Stepping away, he lifts your knuckles to his lips. “G’night.”

You stop him before he could turn all the way. “Steve?” He pauses to look over his shoulder at you with an eyebrow raised. You have a question, and you can’t help but ask it, it having been on your mind for days. “Why’d you stop your run just to sit by me?”

“And leave a beautiful dame like yourself before I could get your name? I may be a super soldier, honey, but I’m still a man. Abyssinia Friday, Y/N.”

[saintqueer]

Hi!! I’m the anon that came to you asking for advice on how to celebrate my queerness at my Harry concert without possibly outing myself to anyone who would see photos/videos of me after. I’m back with my report essay, teach!

First off, I need to say I really appreciate you taking the time to not only answer me and give so many options/so much advice, but you really made me feel like I was not alone. I’m in my mid-twenties and came into my sexuality fairly recently and my only queer friends have known and been out basically their whole lives, so I feel weirdly alone in my experiences sometimes. I’ll get the feeling that I’m abnormal and that feeling eats away at me until I have little to no joy to experience anymore, and I was very scared for that to happen at the concert. Logic never applies to this feeling, so even though I knew I wasn’t the only queer person there, I knew I wasn’t the only… “non-het fan” there, my demons were still in the back of my head threatening to steal my joy.

I’m glad to report that that was not the case and I had the time of my life. We ended up very rushed for time before the concert, so my planned rainbow underwear (it was too funny not to do) didn’t happen, but I did take a moment on our way to the venue to think over what H and his music means to me, how he and L (and the other boys) have helped me through so much and continue to do so. I have a rainbow TPWK keychain that I had hooked to my pocket wallet (and hand sanitizer, duh) and I used that like a worry stone while in line. I just tried to prepare myself for the spiritual experience I knew the concert would be.

And man… did I experience something. I don’t think I’ve ever gone so hard in my life? I danced so hard my legs were trembling all night, I sang/screamed so loud I had no voice left, I cried so much, and I went so extra gay and lost my mind for every little gay thing that there was no question of my identity. There was something about just being in the same room with H that made me feel so loved and welcomed and free. I don’t know how he does it, but it felt like a welcome home hug. It’s a little funny, like why was I so nervous in the first place? (I’m not going to lie, there were points that I wasn’t entirely comfortable and definitely retreated into my shell a bit (mostly before the show, seeing some absurd signs that were confiscated and feeling as though I was the only one who saw Harry as a fellow Not Straight™️) but they were nothing compared to the pure joy that I felt once Harry got on stage.)

Just a little extra because so much happened (and I think I may have blacked out a little bit but)… my cousin is and always has been very accepting of me, but sometimes that devil comes back and tells me it’s just an act, she really despises me, all that nonsense. And that voice was nagging me, telling me to tone down my gayness, she was embarrassed by me. And then Lights Up started. And H asked for the pride flag and he began to run. And she grabbed my hand and squeezed so tight and the love I felt in that moment (from H, from my cousin, from the screaming crowd) was so overwhelming that I began to cry some of the happiest tears in my life. The relief of seeing H in person with the flag that means so much to so many of us, to me, to him, and feeling the obvious support of my loved one was just so much. And of all times to be reminded of that love, H’s concert where he speaks of supporting each other, of having each other’s backs just a little bit more.. it felt very powerful.

Anyway. Rambling aside, I want to thank you for the advice and open arms. You are a wonderful example as to how fandom isn’t just about being a fan, it’s also about being a community. Sending you the biggest hug, all of the love and joy. Thank you. <3

(Also the fact that he decided to sing TBSL the next night and not when I was there felt like a hate crime but that’s beside the point).

MY FRIEND!!!!!! I was just thinking about you yesterday!!!! Now you are here and when i tell you this message made me cry, it REALLY made me cry. But it was happy tears so many happy tears i haven't had in a while.

It means the world to know every little tidbit you shared. It sounds like the best time. I'm like hugging your cousin in my head for gripping your hand during that. I'm so happy you went crazy and wild and danced. Harry would be so fucking thrilled to know that you felt embraced and loved and accepted by him. That's everything he says he wants his shows to be. I'm so comforted to know that still exists in tour!

You are so so so brave and strong for embracing your queerness whether you are out or not. Makes no difference in your bravery! I wish i could send this message to harr, god i just know he would love it.

I can't thank you enough for coming back to share! This made my whole day. AND GOD, that last line you wrote about fandom is not just about being a fan but about being a community!!!!! PLASTER THAT ON THE WALLS OF TUMBLR PLEASE!!!!

Im sorry my chicago night stole tbsl from you 😩 someone needs to scold harry...i will do so on your behalf!

You are an a little queer angel, anon, and gosh i'm so proud of you!!!!!

[emotions-ew]

A Collection of Queer Country Artists and Songs for anyone who doesn’t feel like there’s country music they can relate to...

There is this idea that country music is like just Republican men singing about beer, and trucks and also Jesus,  and that is kind of fair because loads of it is but there are some cool as hell queer/lgbtq+ country artists. Finding those and finding that representation in a genre of music I was literally raised on kind of changed my life in a tiny way and I wanted to share that.

(This is by no means a comprehensive list and also I’m basing the “Country” part of this sometimes on my subjective opinion/limited music knowledge so yuh please don’t hate me if I get some wrong)

Also link below for a Spotify playlist of my favourite gay/gayish country music, some mentioned in this post some not, (with a title that isn’t obviously gay for anyone who can’t openly listen to gay stuff on their public accounts for whatever reason) so feel free to skip the massive essay and just jump straight to that. And pretty please repost if I missed anyone/ any songs you love.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7KB6PmUxnpkU7lih8Bysvw

Artists To Follow:

Chely Wright

- Right off the bat, Chely Wright is a legend and I’m in love with her. So, in the 90′s Chely Wright was kind of a huge deal. She started her career as a singer/songwriter and released her first album in ‘94, which was critically acclaimed although never reached the commercial success of her later works. By ‘97 she was really hitting her stride, dropping her breakout hit “Shut up and Drive” (a personal favourite of mine) followed two years later by the biggest hit of her career “Single White Female”. Throughout all that Chely Wright was, to the world, a good old fashioned, heterosexual southern gal. Privately it was a bit of a different story. She had public relationships with male country artists, all while pursuing a secret decade long relationship with a woman. 

I hadn’t ever really heard a Chely Wright song until a few years ago so I never knew about her music or career pre-coming out but I do know that even though by the time she came out in 2010 she was by no means at the height of her fame Chely Wright is kind of one of the biggest names in country music to be out and proud (in my opinion) and I love her like an insane amount. I literally play her music in my car when I have passengers just so I can be like “fun fact this singer is actually gay-” and then subject them to a lengthy explanation of her entire career. She came out with an album and a memoir and the album is my favourite of her work because it’s so fucking raw and because I relate to most of it immensely. Anyways Chely Wright went fucking through it in her journey to being her authentic self and now she’s out and proud and married to a woman and they have a family together and I’m a fucking sucker for a happy ending and y’all should add her to every playlist you have. And on top of that her music is genuinely good. Coming out undoubtedly damaged her career but I think that

Brandi Carlile 

- As far as I can tell Brandi Carlile has been out her whole career. I feel like this list is just going to be me saying “I’m in love with her” about a bunch of women old enough to be my mother but in my defence, I am honestly in love with her. She’s been making music since she was like, seventeen, and has had a bunch of massive hits, as a singer, songwriter, and producer. If you want to cry kind of happy tears listen to her performance of “Bring my Flowers Now” with Tanya Tucker. She’s won Grammy’s and CMT awards and she’s done it all as an out Queer woman. She’s also a founding member of The Highwomen, an all-female country music group who released their first album in 2019, comprised of Carlile, Marren Morris, Natalie Hemby and Amanda Shires. I really love this band because they’re four artists who are immensely successfully in their own right collabing, much like the Highwaymen, and their music is phenomenal while also being a fuck you to mainstream country music and their inability to properly represent women in country music spaces. 

She’s been married to a woman (smoking hot and also brilliant) since 2012 and they have two kids together and if you want to cry (again) then you have to listen to her song “Mother” about her eldest daughter. A queer country artist absolutely worth adding to all your playlists. 

Brooke Eden

- As I understand it Eden came out publicly in January of this year. She’s engaged to Hilary Hoover, who she’s been dating since 2015 apparently. I can’t even imagine the pressure that must be on a person and how stressful it would be to keep a relationship secret from the whole world for years and personally I think they’re a cute as hell couple and I wish them literally all the happiness in the world. 

Brooke Eden has a few older songs that I think are really good, my favourite being “Act Like You Don’t”, and while her new stuff isn’t my usual country vibe I am a sucker for literally anything gay and it is legally my gay duty to stream any song that she releases to support my fellow queer. It’s quite different to anything Wright or Carlile sing but I actually kind of love that because it shows that country music of all different shapes and sizes and styles can be sung by queer artists. 

Amythyst Kiah

- Okay so I am a very new listener to Amythyst Kiah, but her music is literally so beautiful it would be a straight up sin to not include her on this list. Her music is country-blues-roots esq (more roots than country, I think?) and her voice is so unique. She grew up in Chattanooga and has been playing music since childhood. She recently made her Opry debut which is fucking awesome. She also belongs to a band called Our Native Daughters, described as “A supergroup of Black women in traditional music”. Their debut album “Songs of Our Native Daughters” did numbers and I haven’t listened to the whole thing but my favourite so far are “Black Myself” and “I Knew I Could Fly” so y’all add that to your playlists along with “Wild Turkey” by Amythyst Kiah because holy hell her voice on that will blow your mind.

Steve Grand

-        The first man to make this list, he should frankly be honoured. Grand has been an out and proud gay man making country music since like 2013, and I have so much respect for an artist who chose to simply never be in, choosing instead to simply write gay ass songs about being in love with men and letting the chips fall where they man. His music is always going to have a special place in my heart and, he’s cute so if you’re into men and music by men give him a google. add him to your playlists, his All-American Boy album is literally just a dozen songs that are perfect to yell-sing along to.

Katie Pruitt

-        Not hugely knowledgeable on Katie Pruitt but her music makes me feel crazy intense emotions and is absolutely gay

 Honorable Mention Artists I haven’t Really Listened to But Who I Know to be gay thanks to google and might be your thing so totally check them out:

Brandy Clark

Ty Herndon

Shelly Fairchild

Lavendar Country

Trixie Mattel

Cameron Hawthorn

Drop any other names of artists or songs you know of 

 Specific Songs That Make Me Fucking Cry or (in good and bad ways (but always in a gay way)) or basically are just gay as hell:

If She Ever Leaves Me; The Highwomen

- So, this album came out about a week before my first (and only) girlfriend broke up with me. The general gist of the song is a woman singing about how her loved isn’t ever going to leave her but if she does it sure as hell won’t be for a creepy man in a bar. A little ironic that I felt I related to it so intensely, considering she did in fact leave me. There’s this one lyric that goes “I’ve loved her in secret/I’ve lover here out loud/the sky hasn’t always been blue” and my girlfriend and I were crazy deep in the closet so I drew her a cute little picture of a grey cloud and on the back I wrote that lyric and I gave it to her and to me it was kind of a promise that one day I’d get a chance to love her out loud and even though I never actually did this song is forever going to make me cry because of the little bit of hope that lyric gave me and the way it’s inclusion on this overwhelmingly mainstream country album made me feel like acceptance was just that little bit closer. 

 All American Boy; Steve Grand

- Definitely one of the first gay country songs I ever heard, and Steve Grand didn’t once sacrifice a scrap of country for the gay. It’s beautiful, it’s a little sad, it’s hopeful. It’s forever going to hold a special place in my heart and the music videos is kind of one of my favourites ever. I found this song before I found myself and the way it made my heart warm should have been a stronger sign than I took it to be. 

Like Me; Chely Wright

- When you love someone you kind of make it your mission to know them in a way that no one else can. This song by Chely Wright is sort of an ode to that, and how even once you lost someone, you’re still going to know every little thing about them. On top of that it sort of speaks to the idea that all these things Wright learned about this woman, she learned in secret and she knew her and loved her in secret and now that they’re gone from each other she’s left with all of this knowledge and all of these questions and no one to answer them. I love the way it’s so slow and the melody and her voice, the way it’s low and a little raspy, make this one of my favourite Chely Wright songs.

The Mother; Brandi Carlile

-        Sorry but a song about being a mother by a queer woman is going to make me cry every time and actually I’m not that sorry. It’s quite a simple song, if any song written by Brandi Carlile can ever be described as ‘simple’, it’s an ode to her daughter. My favourite line is “you are not an accident/where no one thought it through” because it speaks to the fact that in order for queer women to have a kid together they have to want it so damn bad and also I just like the way her voice sounds on that line. This song is also the perfect thing to listen to if you ever for a second feel like being gay/queer is going to stand in the way of you having a family because it absolutely doesn’t have to and if that’s something you want, you can have it. Don’t let people try and convince you otherwise.

Loving Her; Katie Pruitt

-        Unapologetic gay love. Opening a song with “If loving hers a sin, I don’t wanna go to heaven” is a fucking baller move and she went there. The lyrics are beautiful, and her voice is phenomenal. It could be a sad song, about confronting religious repression and grappling with what that means for your love, but instead its triumphant. Katie Pruitt doesn’t give a fuck if you have a problem because she’s going to write songs for her lover.

Jesus From Texas; Semler

-        Not actually totally sure this is a country song, but it has the words ‘Jesus’ and ‘Texas’ in the title so I feel safe including it in this list. Honestly, I don’t really know why I relate so hard to this song. Like, I wasn’t really raised with religion, so I don’t know what it is about this funky little tune that makes me want to sob but there’s something about this tune that makes me want to do whatever the opposite of get up and dance is, but like, in a good way.

Lovin’ Again; Steve Grand

-        Breakup song that ends kind of positively? So good to sing along to at high, high volumes. The idea that losing someone doesn’t have to mean losing yourself and just because you can’t love them doesn’t mean you’re not ever going to love again. But also kind of about how it’s hard to get over someone, I don’t know it’s just good.

Cryin’ These Cocksucking Tears; Lavender Country

-        Jesus christ if this isn’t the coolest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. Sorry but a gay country group formed in 1972 who dropped possibly the first gay themed country album, and this was the title of one of the songs. God I am in love.

 Songs that (to me) are a little fruity or that I just relate to in a gay way:

Picket Fences; Chely Wright

-          Chely Wright is gay but this song came out long before she did and when she wrote it, it wasn’t supposed to be gay which is why it’s in this section and not the previous. The reason it’s included at all is because frankly ma’am, Mrs Wright, it’s a little fruity. And I feel a little bad for joking because honestly to me, the way I hear this song and knowing the context (that Wright was deeply closeted at the time she wrote and released it), it’s kind of just sad. The general gist of the song is Wright asking what’s so great about a traditional lifestyle anyways. It could be read as a woman genuinely questioning why we push that expectation that she’ll have two kids and a husband and a picket fence lifestyle, or even could be read as a woman who’s trying to deflect how much she does in fact want that, you have to listen and form your own opinion. But to me, it feels like a woman who’s desperately trying to justify why she doesn’t want that life not because she can’t have it, but she knows it will never be right for her. I don’t know it’s hard to explain I just feel like this song is a little bit gay even though I’m sure she didn’t intend that.

Sinning with You; Sam Hunt

-          Sorry but this song is gay. Sorry but you can’t write the lines “I never felt like I was sinning with you/Always felt like I could talk to God in the morning” and “if it’s so wrong why did it feel so right” and “But I never felt shame, never felt sorry/Never felt guilty touching your body” and not to mention the opening line of “raised in the first pew/praises for yeshua/case of a small town repression”, and expect to not sit in my car sobbing as I realised that while I never felt like what we did was a sin she absolutely did, and wishing I could have told her that I was sorry for making her carry the weight of both our souls but also that it wasn’t a sin and nothing in the world could feel that good and be that bad and it isn’t right that she had to be so ashamed of something that was just so good. Sam Hunt actually said after he wrote the song that while it was reflection on his own relationship with faith he genuinely hopes that people in the lgbtq community can like find comfort or whatever in his words and like go off king, we stan an ally.

  How do I Get There; Deana Carter

-          This ones easy, it’s about falling in love with your best friend and suddenly realising you want more than just friendship with them. Sorry Deana, that’s gay. In my Deana Carter of like Year 10 I played this song on repeat and screamed along to the lyrics as though singing it hard enough would make her like me back.

[radiorenjun]

 I Don't Need It

• Pairing: Na Jaemin x Reader

• Genre: Angst, Comedy, Fluff

• Na Jaemin despised the idea of soulmates, he wanted to fight against fate for choosing his soulmate for him. Even if it means his stubborn childhood best friend wouldn’t stop trying to make him accept about the similar tattoos on their wrists.

• Warnings: mental breakdowns, heartbreak, rejection, major angst, arguments, flashbacks, physical injuries, fighting, underaged drinking, panic attacks, mentions of death, slight mentions of druGS? I swear this series is getting closer to an end oml

• Wordcount : 8.4k

• Masterlist here!

• Chapters: XIV, XV

Jaemin scanned the empty science lab, his hand on the doorway as he poked his head into the room like a small bunny peeking into the bushes. His eyes lit up when he found your distressed figure sitting on your assigned table, brows furrowed and tongue sticking out slightly in concentration as you flipped through the pages of your book with one hand and writing on a piece of paper in the other.

He chuckled, realising that you had forgotten to do your homework again and had decided to finish it fifteen minutes before the bell rings. ‘Typical,’ he thought fondly, taking a small step into the lab to lean his body against the doorway, tucking his hands into his jacket pockets as he continued to gaze longingly at you.

‘I never realised how adorable she looks whenever she’s focused like this,’ Jaemin couldn’t stop the giddy smile slowly stretching across his lips as he examined your state. You were in like your own personal bubble, one that only Jaemin, at that moment, could see. You were so close to him, but not close enough for his heart to reach.

Feeling someone’s gaze on you, you stopped writing and looked up to see the familiar brown haired boy staring shamelessly at you. You didn’t know if he was shocked to see you look up at him, but if he was, he was definitely good at hiding it. “Why are you standing there and staring at me like a creep?” you asked with an exhausted sigh, straightening your back in your chair before going back to writing without another glance.

“You’re the only one in this room,” Jaemin replied shortly, his expression remaining unfazed by the fact that you had caught him staring. Though the way his heart skipped a beat told him otherwise. “That still doesn’t give you a reason to stare at me like some kind of stalker,” you mumbled back monotonously, flipping a page from your textbook and sparing a small glance at the boy standing a few feet away from you.

“It’s a free country, y/n. I’m just looking at you,” he shrugged, standing up straight to walk closer to you, stopping right in front of your desk to look down at your paper. “Well, do you mind? It’s really distracting,” you leaned your head against your palm, rubbing your temples with your fingers as you tried to concentrate on finishing what’s left of your essay paper.

He ignored your previous statement and leaned over to see that it was the essay assigned last week, his brows raising in amusement as he chuckled softly. “You always forget to do your homework,” he stated with a soft, almost inaudible tone. You took a silent breath, unconsciously gripping your pen tighter as you wrote. “Yeah, nothing much has changed, really,” you responded with a small shrug.

Jaemin stood there, silently watching you jot down the lines you highlighted in your textbook on the piece of paper in the empty lab room. The atmosphere was tense, but yet again, it was almost comforting. You two didn’t know what to say to ease the tension but you both knew that you felt comfort in each other’s presence. And that was alright for you.

But you both couldn’t help but feel a sense of familiarity at that moment. The feeling of Jaemin looking down at you curiously giving the both of you some sort of deja vu. 

  “Y/n!” Jaemin exclaimed, running up to you from across the classroom with a bright smile stretched across his face. “My mom gave me some lunch money. Accompany me to the cafeteria!” he whined, stopping right in front of your desk, plopping his hands on the wooden surface harshly, startling you in the process as you let out a loud yelp.

“Jaemin! You startled me!” you complained, hitting your best friend’s shoulder playfully. Jaemin laughed, whacking your hands away from his arm before grabbing your hand gingerly, bouncing excitedly in his stance. “Come on! I really want to get those mozzarella sticks before they run out!” he whined, attempting to pull you away from your seat but you held him back.

“No! Why do you need me to come with you,” you whined, letting him continue to tug your wrist playfully as you hold your ground. “I need moral support!” he whined, mimicking your childish tone as he continued to pull you out of your seat. “But I don’t want to go,” you replied, dragging out the vowels at the end of your sentence. 

“But why?” Jaemin stretched out the ‘y’ as he stopped pulling you, keeping your hand in his as he pouted at you, giving you his signature puppy dog eyes that almost made you give in. “Nope! Not this time! I’m not going to fall for it!” you quickly tugged your hand out of his to cover your eyes and bury them in your arms as you leaned your body against the table to hide your face from his.

“Oh come on, y/n. Please?” 

You couldn’t see him, but you knew that he had moved to stand right in front of you, fingers intertwined together and puppy dog eyes ready to bore into yours in case you raised your head up. “No! You can go by yourself!” you shook your head against your arms, laughing at how ridiculous the two of you were acting at the absurd situation.

“Please? I’ll even share my mozzarella sticks with you, pinky promise!” Jaemin pleaded with a hopeful tone.

Truthfully, ever since your teacher had decided to separate the two of you and placed Jaemin in the seat across the room. He started using recess as a way to make up for the time you spent in class giving silly looks at each other in between lectures. In conclusion, he just really wanted to spend more time with his best friend.

“No!” you huffed, burying your face deeper into your arms before hearing a small groan from your best friend. “You’re 11 Jaemin! You can go to the canteen yourself!” you told him, rolling your eyes at his childishness. “I know, but it isn’t the same if I go down the cafeteria without you,” you felt a hand on your shoulder, shaking you gently as he nagged once again.

“Come on! You’re not even doing anything in the classroom,” he whined, making you look up at him with a deep frown of your own, bottom lip jutting out as you mirrored his expression. “You don’t even know what I’m doing,” you stuck your tongue out at him, crossing your arms on the table and laying your chin on it before averting your eyes away from his. 

“Oh really? What are you doing then?” he asked in a sassy tone, crossing his arms against his chest. “I’m not telling you,” you blew a raspberry at him, giggling afterwards as he gasped dramatically, his face contorted into an offended expression. “Why not?” he frowned, giving you a deep pout as he crossed his arms against his chest.

“Because I said so!” you grinned mischievously, watching as your best friend continued to nag at you, shaking your shoulders aggressively. “Fine! I’ll tell you,” you groaned in defeat, pushing his hands away from you with a small huff. You pulled away to sit up straight in your chair, revealing that you were hiding a small pile of papers filled with your messy doodles and handwriting.

“I’m making letters for everyone!” you beamed, showing him the letters you have written so far. Jaemin picked up one of the papers, his pupils dilating when he saw that you have written letters for your family and relatives. “I want to finish them today while I still have the energy,” you explained, gesturing at the colourful markers and pens scattered on your desk.

“You didn’t write a letter for me?” Jaemin frowned jokingly, putting the paper down on your desk. You frowned, remembering that you haven’t written a letter for your best friend yet. You thought about it for a moment, scanning your desk before your eyes lit up as an idea popped into your head. Noticing the way your facial expressions change, Jaemin was about to clarify how he was joking but he quickly shut his mouth when he saw you reaching over to your pens.

You grabbed a bright yellow sticky note and began scribbling and writing with the colorful markers around you. Jaemin hovered over your figure, trying to take a look at whatever you were doing. Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t see anything you were doing with the way your body basically covered his sight of the small paper. You were too busy with decorating your sticky note to notice how Jaemin had scooted closer to you to try to take a small peak.

“And done!” you exclaimed, sitting up quickly, startling Jaemin. His breath hitched, realising that if it weren’t for his reflexes, the back of your head would’ve knocked against his chin. “What do you mean ‘done’?” he asked, furrowing his brows in confusion as you quickly peeled the sticky note off of the pack and sticking it to his forehead eagerly.

He flinched at the sudden contact, wincing slightly when he felt your palm make contact with his forehead. “There! I wrote you a letter!” you stood up, putting your hands on your hips as you looked back at him with a proud expression on your face. “What did you just make me?” he asked, pulling the sticky note off of his forehead, cringing slightly when he felt strands of his hair sticking to it.

“A letter, just like what you wanted, right?” you giggled as Jaemin examined the yellow paper. There were small random doodles of weird symbols and smiley faces all over the paper, letters written in different coloured markers in the middle of the paper. “To my Jaemin, thank you for being the best friend I never asked for but always needed! Please continue to feed me and be my friend until we grow grey, old and wrinkly.” was written in your typical messy handwriting.

“’Please continue to feed me’, I knew you were friends with me for my food!” he pointed a finger at you with a wide smile across his face. Despite the fact that he kept accusing you for being friends with him because he always shares his food with you, deep down, you both knew he loved the little letter you wrote for him in a span of three minutes. And he was more than happy to stick by your side until the end.

“Are you just going to keep standing there like a creep until the teacher comes?” Jaemin snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of Jeno’s voice nearby. He blinked, standing up straight when he realised that Jeno had taken the empty seat beside you, looking at him with a raised brow as you finally finished your homework with a click of your tongue.

“What?” Jaemin blurted out, his gaze averted from Jeno’s deadpan expression to your unfazed one as you stood up abruptly, ignoring the two boys to walk up to the teacher’s desk at the front of the class. “You’re really trying hard to get her back, huh?” Jeno asked with a soft hum, leaning his cheek against his palm with a heavy sigh. “I’m not getting her back, I never even had her in the first place,” the words felt bitter in Jaemin’s mouth. But he knew it was the truth.

“She’s really ignoring your presence, huh?” Jeno hummed, fidgeting with his phone. “I don’t blame her, really. I was kind of being inconsiderate when she kept saying no to me,” Jaemin bit his lip, feeling his heart sink to his stomach as he recalls how uncomfortable you looked whenever he tried to desperately talk to you or ask you to start over. “Everyone has their own limits. I don’t blame her for acting like this.”

“So what? You’re just going to lay around, stare at her like a creep without making a move?” Jeno asked, looking up at his best friend. Jaemin’s tired eyes never left your figure as you began talking to one of your classmates, slipping his hands in the pockets of his jeans as he let out a longing sigh. “She needs a little more space, I don’t want to fuck things up even more than I already have. I’ll just make small moves. I don’t want to force her,” he explained rather hesitantly.

“I don’t want to overwhelm her like I did back then. Especially after the party,” Jaemin licked his slightly chapped lips when his mind wandered to the kiss you two shared at the party, his heart racing at the memory. “I just want her to stop hurting because of me,” he confessed with a sigh, looking down at the floor with an almost hopeless expression. 

“Haechan really did slap some sense into you, huh?” Jeno chuckled, his expression softened when he realised how Jaemin was acting slightly more mature than he was before the party. “No shit, he almost punched me on the face,” Jaemin let out a small laugh, shaking his head profusely as he recalled the second time Donghyuck made him get his shit together.

After Renjun had left, Donghyuck walked in to scold the hell out of the younger boy. Donghyuck almost punched Jaemin across the face when he heard that y/n was in another room with her mind jumbled up, he scolded Jaemin for moving too quickly. “Get your shit together, Na Jaemin. Don’t you get it? She’s never going to stop hurting if you keep pushing yourself back in her life with no warning!” never left Jaemin’s mind.

“All you’ve done is complain and whine and drag yourself in situations that you’re both not comfortable in. What the fuck? You keep saying you want to ‘make things right’ but all you’ve done so far is make her uncomfortable. You’re pushing each other away even more, you dumbass. Stop whining and complaining about it and actually do something right for once, Na Jaemin!”

“She didn’t give up on me until I snapped. I’m not giving up on her until she snaps either,” Jaemin shrugged, glancing up at the clock to see that he should be heading to his own class right now. Jeno furrowed his brows in concern, “and if she does?” he asked quietly, taking a quick glance at you before turning back to his best friend.

Jaemin sighed, shrugging in defeat. “Then I’ll finally get a taste of my own medicine.”

“Hey, someone just placed a rock on your desk.” 

“Wait what?” you furrowed your brows, turning your head to see that one of your classmates had come up to you, pointing at your desk casually. “Someone just came in and dropped off a rock on your desk,” your classmate repeated with a small laugh, an amused expression taking over their features as you became even more confused.

“A rock?” you furrowed your brows, a feeling of deja vu overcoming you at the mere mention of it.

“A rock? Are you kidding me?” Yeeun, the girl you were talking to, spoke incredulously, crossing her arms against her chest. “What the fuck? That’s so random,” she laughed, turning to see your baffled expression. You turned to her with a speechless expression before walking over to your own desk with your friends following right behind you.

“Listen, if you don’t believe me just go ahead and see for yourself,” your classmate rolled her eyes at Yeeun, pointing at the small object on your desk right in between the messy area of your books and pens. “This looks like some weird omen, you know. Like those weird horror movie get ups,” your classmate commented with a light chuckle. 

“Wait, you were actually serious?” she exclaimed with a laugh, looking at your classmate who shrugged simply. You stared at the stone sitting innocently on your desk, taking a step closer to pick it up in one of your hands. “It appears they drew something on it,” your friend pointed out, tapping her finger on the underside of the rock 

Your eyebrows raised slightly, flipping the rock around to see that the person who gave you the rock had drawn small hearts with different colored sharpies. There was a yellow small smiley face in the middle, the little smile on the drawing was sending sparks into your heart when you realised there was no one else in the world who would even think of giving you a random rock unless it was Na Jaemin himself.

‘Copycat’, you thought to yourself with a small chuckle, feeling your heart jump at the small gift. You turned to your friend, attempting to hide how flustered you were feeling with a casual expression. “Did you see who came in and placed this here?” you asked, bouncing the rock in your hands casually as if you hadn’t already known who had given you the rock in question. 

“Unfortunately, no. I did catch a mop of brown hair running out of the classroom, though,” your classmate grinned, wiggling her eyebrows at you teasingly. “I’m assuming the tables have turned with Mister Hard-To-Get, huh?” Yeeun teased, nudging your side with her elbow, giggling along with your friend. You almost broke into a smile at the mere mention of the boy. But the empty feeling in your heart wasn’t having it.

“Look at you, being pined over by your long term crush slash childhood best friend. I would celebrate if I were you. Hell, it’s also the team captain himself! I’d be over the moon if I were you,” Yeeun gushed, looking at your classmate who nodded eagerly in agreement. “He totally likes you back now. No guaranteed, you’re out of the friendzone now, I’m so happy for you!”

You frowned, sighing as you shake your head. “I don’t think so. Plus, you know very well I’m over it,” you sighed, pulling your bag from your chair and tucking the rock in one of the open pockets. “I know, I know. But shouldn’t you be happy? You’ve been pining him since high school started and you were whipped as fuck. Now that you finally have him chasing your tail, shouldn’t you be over the moon?” your classmate asked curiously, furrowing her brows.

“You’re not wrong. I mean, come on, y/n! Maybe Jaemin actually changed his mind about the stupid ‘going against fate’ bullshit. You should definitely give him a chance! You’ve been giving him a taste of his own medicine but don’t you think you two should stop pushing and pulling each other away and finally be the power couple I always imagined you to be?” Yeeun whined, nodding along with your classmate who gave you an affirming smile.

Yeeun was always one of those students who found the whole drama between you and Jaemin entertaining. She was rooting for the two of you to be together. She believed that you two were perfect for each other and you two just needed to talk things out. Yeeun always loved seeing you being so whipped for your soulmate that she, like many others, failed to see that it was also hurting the both of you.

“This isn’t some weird k-drama, Yeeun,” you chuckled, shaking your head as you stood up straight, looking straight at your friends with a gloomy smile across your face. “Plus, I kind of need a break from simping on him. I’ve been a devoted simp for two whole years, it’s time for me to stop. God, I must have been so annoying. Honestly, if I were Jaemin, I would’ve removed my tattoo in a heartbeat,” you laughed lightly, scratching the back of your neck awkwardly as you zipped up your bag.

You noticed the smiles on your friends’ faces have faltered at your words, making you realise that you spoke a little too much. Coughing to clear up the tension, you let out a small laugh. “Sorry, what am I even saying?” you chuckled to yourself in disbelief, rubbing your face in frustration as you let out a tired sigh. “Are you okay, y/n?” Yeeun asked, genuine concern spreading over her features.

You hummed, nodding before giving her a tight-lipped smile. “I’m fine. I guess I’m just really tired, right now,” you lied, giving them a small thumbs up. “I’ll go wash up, excuse me,” you gave them a small nod, looking at the concerned expressions on their faces as you attempt to give them what seems to be a smile before walking out of the classroom.

Tired, huh?

Occasionally, Jeno would invite Jaemin out to go cycling around on Saturday mornings to get his mind off of things or to simply hang out. And today, Jaemin couldn’t be more grateful to his best friend for forcing him to go out instead of staying all cooped up in his room playing overwatch with Donghyuck all day.

“Wait, I ran out of water,” Jaemin informed, showing Jeno his empty water bottle before putting it back in his bag. “Oh,  there’s a small convenience store. You can buy something there. Did you forget to bring your wallet again?” Jeno asked, pointing at the small store a few buildings away from them. “Shut up, I don’t always forget to bring my wallet,” Jaemin chuckled, leaning his bike against the pole near them as he wiped the sweat off of his brows.

“Sure, buddy. Go get your water so we can get going. My mom’s making her special stew tonight,” Jeno shoved Jaemin playfully with a laugh, rolling his eyes at his best friend. “Okay, okay. You want anything?” Jaemin asked, waving his wallet in the air with a wide grin. Jeno shook his head, waving his hand at the younger boy. “You’re broke enough, I’m not going to make you even more poor than you already are,” he joked, earning a pout from Jaemin.

He huffed before jogging off to the convenience store, telling Jeno to watch his bike while he’s gone, missing the small thumbs up the black haired boy gave him in return. 

Jaemin pushed open the door, giving the cashier a small smile and an awkward nod before walking down the aisle to find himself a drink. Scanning his eyes through the aisle, he spotted a familiar figure at the corner of his eyes as he walked past the snack aisle at the corner of his eye. Eyes widening when he realised that it was you in your sleep deprived glory.

You were wearing one of the hoodies he had gifted you for your 16th birthday, your eyes were half-lidded as if you were on the brink of falling asleep on the spot. A hand rubbing one of your eyes as the other holds on to the large packet of flaming hot cheetos against your chest. Jaemin felt his throat getting dry at the sight of you, his heartbeat beginning to pick up its pace as he felt the urge to come up and talk to you.

He gulped, standing in the middle of the aisle in complete shock as his mind tried to decipher that you were here. Alone. With him. Why were you here so early in the morning? Usually you would be asleep in bed until noon or until he would stop by at your house to wake you up. A frown appeared on his lips when he realised that he hasn’t actually stopped by at your house willingly in so long. 

He always dropped you off in front of your porch but whenever your mother offered him to come in for lunch or dinner, he would often politely decline and make up some random excuse on the spot to prevent spending any more time with you. Jaemin realised the only time he actually came to your house was for your family’s monthly dinners or group projects.

‘Wow, I was that much of a jerk?’ he thought to himself bitterly, feeling guilt and regret ball up in his chest. 

He turns his head up to look at you, his heartbeat picking up its pace when he saw how content and relaxed you look. He realised he never actually took the time to admire you, even in your most comfortable state. He should know, especially how the two of you have known each other since you were still toddlers.

‘Should I go up to her?’ he pondered.

‘It wouldn’t hurt to try to talk to her, right?’ he looked down at his watch, eyeing the time displayed on it before looking out the window, spotting Jeno scrolling through his phone right across the street from the store as he waited for him. ‘A small conversation wouldn’t hurt, right?’ he sighed before looking up back at your figure standing a few meters away from him. 

He watched you walk to the ice cream bar without a care in the world, opening the lid silently as you scanned the cold machine. Biting his lip nervously, he picked a random water bottle from the aisle before slowly coming up to you. Swallowing down his nerves, he cleared his throat before letting out a small “y/n?”

You turned, eyes widening in surprise at his unexpected figure standing before you. “Jaemin,” you didn’t even realise the words left your mouth until he shot you an endearing smile. “Hi, I didn’t expect to see you here,” you let out a puff of breath you didn’t even know you were holding. “Hey, what are you doing here so early on a Saturday?” Jaemin asked, putting his hands behind his back, his hand wrapping around his wrist as he leaned towards you slightly.

“I just wanted some snacks,” you replied in a quiet tone, your voice hoarse as if you had just woken up from your sleep. You gestured to the bag of chips in your arms, making Jaemin nod, his mouth forming a small ‘o’ in response. You bit your lip, “what about you?” you asked rather hesitantly.

You both knew the answer to this, considering how Jaemin always rants to you about the silly things he and Jeno would do every Saturday on their morning cycles together back when you were still on speaking terms. But you couldn’t take the awkward silence settling in between you if you didn’t try to keep the conversation going.

“I was just cycling with Jeno and ran out of water, ” Jaemin shrugged, standing up straight as he cocked his head at the direction of one of the windows, causing you to turn your head to see your friend standing not far from the store, standing beside two bicycles while fidgeting with his phone. “Oh, I guess you two are still going on your Saturday morning dates,” you chuckled, rubbing your left eye with one of your palms. 

“You really need to stop calling them dates,” he frowned, jutting out his bottom lip slightly at your words. “I mean, I’m not exactly wrong, aren’t I?” you snickered, feeling your body ease up with how smooth the conversation was going, the awkward tension decreasing with every passing second as you scanned through the row of ice cream tubs and popsicles. 

“I’m actually surprised to see you awake at this hour, you’re usually asleep until noon,” he commented, taking a step forward to look through the ice cream bar with you. “What are you talking about? I’ve always been awake at this hour, though,” you raised your brow at him, pulling out a raspberry flavored popsicle, inspecting it before putting it back down, running your hands through the plastic wrappers.

“Really? That’s a surprise,” Jaemin’s eyebrows shot up. Back when the two of you were still in good terms, Jaemin would often call you before 11 AM just in case you had something to do or somewhere to go to ever since you were 15. “Yeah, I figured I can just do a lot of things if I wake up earlier than planned,” you shrugged. 

“Wow, getting up early at your own will? It’s good to hear that you’re using your time more productively,” Jaemin exclaimed with a smile of disbelief. You bit your lip, nodding in response. “I guess so,” you mumbled back with a small shrug. Truth be told, back when you were still devoted on pursuing Jaemin, you never woke up early despite being told off by your parents multiple times. You just wanted to wake up to the sound of his voice every morning to start your day off as happy as you can be.

At times like this, you wished that he didn’t stop giving you morning calls. Come to think of it, when did he stop calling you every morning? When did you grow used to his absence even when he was just right there in front of you?

Noticing how silent you got, Jaemin took it upon himself to change the topic, his eyes scanning the room before landing on a watermelon flavored popsicle. “Hey, remember when we used to eat these as a kid?” Jaemin asked with an enthusiastic smile, a hopeful glint sparkling in his eyes as he raised the popsicle up at you, hitting you with a wind of nostalgia.

“Oh yeah, you used to ask your mom to buy you the whole stock back then,” you chuckled, grabbing a popsicle of the same brand that was supposed to be Melon flavored. “This really brings me back,” you smiled, turning to Jaemin who gave you a boyish smile. Oh how the littlest things can bring back such unpleasant memories. 

 “Nana!” you exclaimed, waddling over to the football court once you saw Jaemin walk out of after school practice. As usual, you were waiting for Jaemin to get out of practice so he can drive the both of you home. And being the considerate person that you ironically are, you decided to buy popsicles from the market nearby your school for your friends (mainly Jaemin but you felt bad midway for not buying them so you came back and bought your friend some too).

Jaemin turned to you with a heavy sigh, wiping the sweat off of his hair with a damp towel as he and his friends watched you come up to them with a large plastic bag in your hands. “Hey guys,” you greeted with a small smile, earning small waves and hey’s in return. “So I bought some popsicles for you guys while you were in practice,” you opened the plastic bag in front of them, watching as their exhausted expression morphed into an excited one in an instant.

“Dude, you really didn’t have to,” Jeno said as he watched Haechan, Chenle and Jisung dig their hands into the bag you were holding. “Don’t tell her that! If you say that she won’t buy us food again next time,” Haechan hissed, smacking his friend on the arm as he handed Jeno a popsicle of his own. “Haechan!” Jaemin barked, giving the older boy a death glare.

“He’s not wrong though, ‘Nana’,” Chenle snickered, mocking the sweet tone you used when calling out his name, patting the boy’s back to ease him up. “I don’t mind being broke. My wallet loves treating you guys,” you waved it off with a soft laugh, waving your bag in front of Jaemin, gesturing for him to grab one of the two remaining popsicles left in the plastic bag. 

Jaemin gave you a pointed look, raising his brow as if he wanted to tell you off. Giving him an innocent smile you waved the bag in front of him. “Come on, it’s gonna melt, you know.” Jaemin’s eyes were filled with exhaustion and the slightest bit of annoyance, but nonetheless, it never failed to send small needles into your heart.  

“You really should stop wasting your time and money on these things,” Jaemin sighed, shoving his hand in the bag and pulling out a watermelon flavored popsicle. “I like hurting my wallet. Plus, you guys looked like you needed something refreshing. I’m just doing you guys a favor,” you giggled, pulling out the last popsicle in the bag and throwing the bag in a nearby trash can.

“Bless your kind soul, y/n,” Jisung groaned, putting his hands together as if he was praying. “She’s a keeper, Jaemin. You sure you ain’t gonna drop the whole ‘I hate soulmates’ bull crap?” Haechan asked, nudging Jaemin’s sides as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively with a bite of his popsicle. “Coming from the guy who bites his popsicles, I think you should keep your opinions to yourself,” Jaemin snapped back, ripping the wrapper open with an annoyed roll of his eyes. 

You kissed your teeth, feeling your heart ache in your chest at his cold tone. Shaking the disappointment out of your head, you gave them a lighthearted laugh, waving it off before tearing off the wrapper of your own popsicle. “Leave him alone, he’s going to change his mind sooner or later,” you mused, earning a soft scoff from Jaemin beside you. 

“How endearing. Can’t wait to rub it in your face when that happens, Jaemin,” Chenle grinned, giggling at how the older boy’s frown grew deeper with every word. “Y/n, let’s just go home,” Jaemin sighed, tightening his grip on the saddle of his bag as he attempts to suppress his annoyance. “See you guys tomorrow,” Jaemin turned away from you and his friends, waving at them. 

“Wait for me!” you exclaimed, pulling the strap of your bag closer to you as you ran after him. 

“Look they’re even having the same flavored popsicle. Isn’t that cute? Couple goals,” Haechan snickered, pointing at how the two of you were having the same watermelon flavored popsicles. You looked down at the icy dessert in your hand, you didn’t even realise that you had the same flavor as him. You couldn’t help but let out a small ‘oh’ in response. 

“Hey look Jaemin, we actually-” 

You looked up and paused midway from finishing your sentence when you saw Jaemin walk towards the trash can with his melting popsicle (which he barely touched) and dumped it in with no hesitation. His expression is stone cold and void of emotion. “Y/n, let’s just go,” you could hear the way he gritted his teeth through his words, causing your heart to drop to your stomach. Your friends didn’t dare to comment anything else about you and Jaemin.

For the way you were trailing after him like a kicked puppy had caused them to wish that they actually kept their mouths shut. 

“Y/n?”

“Oh, yeah?” you snapped out of your thoughts with a small hum, turning to look at Jaemin who was giving you a concerned expression. “Are you okay?” he asked rather hesitantly, noticing how the comforting glint in your eyes vanished the moment you snapped out of your thoughts and averted your gaze back onto his face. You opened your mouth to say something but quickly closed it when you felt your mouth getting dry.

“Uh, yeah. I’m fine.” you nodded, averting your eyes down at the ice cream bar, dropping the popsicle back into the machine and closing it. “I’m going to go now. My mom’s going to start wondering what’s taking me so long,” you lied, avoiding eye contact as you gave him a small smile. “I’ll see you at school, Jaemin,” you dart your eyes to his for a brief second before looking away and walking hastily to the cashier.

Jaemin watched you disappear around the aisle with a disappointed expression on his face, a lonely feeling balling up inside him when he realised you must’ve remembered something he did in the past to make you go so abruptly. He missed you. So much. So damn much.

He longs to talk to you again. He longs to spend more time with you without having any awkward tension like the old days. He wants to talk to you about his favorite video games and hear you rant about the shitty things a certain character did in the movie you recently watched. But he couldn’t.

And now he finally understands how you felt throughout all these years. And the only thing he could do was to keep going, he knew that if he stopped, he didn’t know what else to do with himself.

Jaemin was getting tired. Your high school graduation was less than 7 months away and so far, he has not made any progress in getting closer to you. Unless you count the awkward small talks the two of you had made the past few weeks, but asides from that, there wasn’t any improvement in your relationship it was almost laughable. 

He didn’t know how you managed to be so patient with him when he was going crazy with every single day, but yet again, the thought of it made you appear even more admirable. He found himself longing for your presence even more. Hell, he even missed the little things you do when you’re around him. 

The way your smile glowed up the entire room whenever you see him, the way your voice was filled with adoration whenever you call out his name, the way you would come up to him with arms wide for a big hug (even though he had never reciprocated your affections back then) whenever he was in the room. 

He missed that. And his heart ached at the fact that he took your affections and kindness for granted. All he wanted to do was to talk things out. And he was going to talk it out whether you want to or not. You needed closure. You both knew that. And he was done avoiding it. 

You were in the library doing your assignments, your brows furrowed in concentration, your tongue sticking out slightly at the left corner of your lips, your head leaning to the side slightly. Jaemin almost felt guilty for planning on disturbing you while you were in your protective little bubble, but there was something drawing him to you with every passing second. 

Taking a deep breath, he eased up his muscles before gathering his courage to finally walk up to you. The atmosphere getting heavy with every step he took, and it felt like gravity was pulling him down as his his anxiety spiked up with every ‘tick tock’ the wall clock makes. Suppressing the urge to gulp down. 

“Hey.” 

You froze, your hand pausing from writing as you slowly looked up at him, internally wishing that it wasn’t who you think it was. “Hi,” you breathed out, your eyes fixating on each others as you recognize the familiar sad glint in his eyes. You knew that whatever he was going to do wasn’t going to be good, not with that hopeless look in his eyes. 

“Can we talk now, please? About us?” he bit his lip, his voice going quiet despite the fact that you were the only ones in the library at that moment. There was a pregnant pause between you as you took in his words, your mouth opening and closing as you tried to come up with a reason to leave. But alas, the half written paper on the table between you and Jaemin was enough for you to realise that there was no escaping in this. 

You didn’t know what else to say other than the small “now?” you squeaked out. Jaemin gave you a determined (but also adorable) nod, gripping the saddle of his bag tighter against him. “I’m done avoiding the topic. We kept avoiding this talk for the longest time, so let’s just talk this out casually,” he took in a deep breath nervously, watching your expression closely. 

You looked down at your paper, biting your lip before kissing your teeth, flipping the pen in your hold so you can click the tip to distract your nerves. “Why do we need to talk about it though?” you muttered under your breath, feeling his eyes boring holes into your skull. His pupils dilate at this. “Y/n, we can’t keep pulling and pushing each other away. We’re graduating soon, we need to talk about it eventually,” Jaemin sighed.

He felt his heartbeat increase with every word that spilled from his mouth. He was getting all worked up as he watched your expression grew dim at the mention of talking about you. Why were you so eager to avoid the topic at all costs? Why won’t you try to give him a chance? Why won’t you give this a chance? Why don’t you want to try to fix this? Jaemin was confused. Confused with his feelings and confused about your situation. 

“What if I don’t want to talk about it?” you tightened your grip on your pen, your eyes gazing down at the carpet floor. “I really don’t want to talk about this, Jaemin,” you closed your eyes for a small month, taking in a shuddering breath as you sense the atmosphere getting thicker between you. “But I do. Please, I just want to talk about what’s going to happen to us,” Jaemin bit his lip, his eyes desperate for yours to look back up.

“Jaemin. I’m telling you in the friendliest way possible, I really don’t want to talk about this. Please respect that,” you sucked in your lips nervously, tapping your pen against the paper hastily. Jaemin was starting to get frustrated, “what’s the harm in talking like two civilized human beings?” he unintentionally snapped at you, his sharp tone causing your eyes to shot up at his face in surprise.

You furrowed your brows at how he’s getting so riled up about something this simple. But then again, how do you explain to your soulmate that you don’t want to try and fight for a relationship that never existed in the first place? Can he really blame you for being cautious? Can he really blame you for giving up on the two of you this time?

 “Can’t you just respect the fact that I don’t want to talk about it?” you retorted in a tone of disbelief, sitting up straight when you realise that Jaemin was getting angry for no absolute reason. “Well you didn’t respect the fact that I wasn’t into you either back then and look how that turned out!” he snapped back, words spilling out of his mouth as his heart raced against his chest.

“Y/n, I didn-”

“Fine. You wanted to talk right, so let’s talk,” you leaned back against your chair, letting out a defeated sigh as you rubbed your temples in distress. Jaemin kissed his teeth, his eyes glancing at your exhausted figure that mirrored his own. He took a deep exhale before pulling the chair right across yours so he can sit down in front of you. 

He licked his lips nervously, knowing full well that you were silently gesturing him to go first with the exhausted gaze you were giving him. Taking another deep exhale, he poked the insides of his cheek with his tongue as he tried to decipher what to say. He muttered an almost in audible ‘fuck it’ when he decided that he was just going to say whatever came to heart.

“I’m sorry.” 

Your eyes twitched in slight interest, your pupils looking up at his nervous figure. His eyes staring deep into yours, exhaustion and sadness glossing over his pupils. “I’m so sorry for everything. The music box. The whole talking shit behind your back, embarrassing you in front of our friends and family whenever you tried to give me affection, the sudden kiss at the party, making you uncomfortable, everything. I’m truly, truly sorry for everything,” he took in a deep breath.

“I-I don’t even know where to begin with this so I’m just going to say whatever comes to mind,” Jaemin clenched his fists in an attempt to calm his racing heart, taking a deep breath before letting it out and giving you a serious expression. 

“At the party, on your birthday when I found out we were soulmates. I suddenly felt like I was forced to like or love you because we had matching tattoos. I didn’t want that kind of pressure on me, and it wasn’t easy when our parents constantly nagged us about it,” he confessed, pulling on the cuffs of his black jacket as he looked down at his hands wordlessly. 

“But no one was telling you to love me now, Jaemin. You should’ve just taken this chance to enjoy my absence, I was a nuisance to you,” you mumbled out without hesitation, your cold tone sending small needles into his heart. “But can you blame me if I already have? Whoever created us made this whole soulmate system so that we can love each other, I realise that now,” he bit his lip nervously. 

You stared at him for a small moment, your eyes meeting as Jaemin tried to decipher what you were thinking behind your unreadable expression. “You don’t really love me Jaemin,” you stated with a heavy sigh, leaning your cheek against your knuckles, your elbow propped up on the table. “Don’t give me that hope, Jaemin. You don’t like me like that, you just think you do, you don-”

“You can’t just assume my feelings like that, y/n,” he cut you off, using the same monotonous tone you were using against him. He lifted his hand so that it was laying on the table his heart racing at the small distance your hands had when he did so. “You’re one to talk,” you mumbled under your breath, letting out a small huff afterwards.

“Look, I was hurting a lot back then. Now that I’m willing to accept the fact that you’ll never like me back the same way I liked you, you came up to me and tell me you ‘like’ me,” you raise up two fingers as quotation marks, a sad frown stretching across your face at the mention of him loving you. “After what? Two years? Two years of treating me like garbage?” 

“I was selfish,” Jaemin admitted. “I still am, I admit it. But you were selfish too back then! You wanted this so bad and for so long, why won’t you just take the chance so we can put this all behind us and start over now that I’m willing to give this-to give us a try?” he pointed at the two of you to emphasize on his words, a dull ache beginning to appear in his left wrist.

“Don’t you get it? I’m tired, Jaemin. I’m so tired of getting hurt all the time. I’m just so damn tired. Do you really expect me to forgive you for all the things you did just because I finally did what you ask and step out of your life?” you snapped, straightening your posture. 

“I didn’t know you were hurting. Hell, I didn’t even know you felt that way. You could’ve just told me and then maybe we could’ve figured something out,” Jaemin rambled on, running his hands through his hair in distress. “Really Jaemin? Really? Would we actually ‘figure something out’?” you huffed incredulously, rubbing your forehead as you began to feel your sadness slowly morph into anger. 

“I don’t know if you can recall but back at the dinner party with our family. I don’t think you bat an eye when I was on the verge of sobbing my eyes out in front of you. Hell, you didn’t even talk to me for weeks afterwards!” you exclaimed, clenching your fists on the table, feeling your heart ache in your chest at the sour thought. And the fact that the look Jaemin was giving you was fairly similar to the cold expression he gave you that night wasn’t helping either. 

“I was just annoyed. We both needed time to sort out our thoughts, you know. I didn’t mean for things to get this far and fucked up!” Jaemin shot back defensively, raising his hands up to emphasize on his words. “Well apparently you didn’t mean a lot of things but it happened anyway, so what am I supposed to do, Jaemin?” you couldn’t help but raise your voice slightly out of frustration, eyes glaring daggers at him. 

“Give me a chance to start over? Give me a second chance? I don’t know if you noticed but the tables have turned. I get it, I fucking get it now. I know how you feel whenever I treat you like shit and ignore you, I really do. I just want a second chance.” 

This discussion was just going worse than Jaemin had thought. You two were just plain out getting your pain and frustrations out, thus heating up this argument even more. Thank god the librarian was nowhere to be seen, you both know full well if they caught you yelling at each other, you two would definitely be kicked out in an instant. 

“I’m not having this conversation anymore, Jaemin,” you groaned, rubbing your face against your hands, groaning into them before standing up abruptly and picking up your stuff hastily. “Leave me alone, Jaemin. Please. I just want some time to myself. Time to think about how we ended up like this,” you sighed, avoiding his eyes as you shoved your paper in your bag carelessly. 

“No, you give up on me back then. Now I’m not giving up on you,” Jaemin shook his head in determination, standing up as well to stop you and keep you from leaving so you two can talk more. Jaemin was then taken aback when his desperate eyes met your own cold ones, anger glossed over your pupils as you let out a small grunt. 

“Well I gave up now, didn’t I? I think you should, too,” you hissed back, slinging your bag over your shoulder as you tugged your sweater down and smacked the eraser shavings from your drawing session earlier. “Then can you stop it?” he asked, his voice wavering. “Can you just stop looking at me as if you don’t like me anymore?” he pleaded, his voice becoming small. So small, it was almost inaudible. 

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” you frowned, feeling a lump gather in your throat, your eyes watering as you walk past a hopeless Jaemin. 

“You hurt me so much. I’m starting to et why you hated this whole soulmate system.”

OH DEAR GOD THIS WAS JUST P A I N F U L  TO WRITE. THIS TOOK ME TWO WHOLE WEEKS PLS. 

anyways, here’s something to celebrate my official return to this damn blog. I almost gave up on this blog but my fear of letting people down always got the best of me so enjoy! 

T A G L I S T : @candiednickles @itlittlefangirl @cherrym4rk @gotoartistprofile @d-nghyck @kingjvngins @aconeptun @chaeshii @lixseu @morks-watermelon @12am-musings @cherrystay @lowkeyviv @btm-taeyong @gothmingguk @luvlyjaemin @cowward @smileyyuta @cakelyn @uncovermenow666 @comically-sleep-deprived @wtfhaechan @xcherrybbyx @wishing–butterfly @wordsgodeep @astroboy-lele @sweetmoonlight9 @chwenchew @stuckwithhyuck @yunoelea @angelrenjunie @dae-chan @jenseoull @marklexleaf @yasmini24 @cloudreads @sptegami​ @mango-bear​ @dumplingley​  @bereavedswallow​ @etherealbyeol​ @247byun​

Tag list is  o p e n e d !

Do please inform me if you changed your username. Send me an ask, dm me or comment if you wanted to be added to the tag list!

[zanniscaramouche]

❄️ Annual Writing Self-Evaluation 2021 ❄️

I was so inspired seeing @haztobegood‘s answers! Thank you for the tag, darling ♡

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 17 + 1 that will post tomorrow! 

2. Word count posted for the year: 285,714

3. Fandoms I wrote for: One Direction, Teen Wolf, The Witcher (TV) -> not posted yet

4. Pairings:  Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson Harry Styles/Liam Payne Harry Styles/Niall Horan Niall Horan/Louis Tomlinson/Harry Styles Niall Horan/Louis tomlinson/Harry Styles/Liam Payne Naill Horan/Shawn Mendes

5. Story with the most: Kudos / Bookmarks / Comments : Keep Me Closer  (I am very surprised by this! Did NOT expect that fic to be anything special) 

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why): Singing Harmonies in Neverland's Embrace because I felt so strongly for these characters and I truly believe I nailed the stylistic choices I made to tell the story in the unique way I wanted it to be told. 

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why): Somehow, Someway I had a self-set quota to post 2x fics per month and I wrote this purely to meet that quota. There was so little heart, passion, or joy in this project and I think you can really tell when compared to other things I’ve done. It’s a reminder to me to write what I want to be writing, and not care about the rest. 

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received: @bluecolouredlou wrote me a goddamn essay after reading A Tear in the Sky , a fic that I am completely enamored with but didn’t get a lot of traction due to it being a rarepair. Their feedback and depth of emotional connection to the story was a huge humbling experience and felt like winning the Oscar of writing, because to make people feel has always been my biggest goal and they divulged every bit of emotion they’d felt while reading my work. It is the most precious gift anyone’s ever given me. (But also every single comment on The Ground Below is Above My Feet made me cry) 

9. A time when writing was really, really hard: August. The month that everything fell apart. I was writing so much up until then, but fate had other plans… Writing was a struggle from then on until the first week of December or so. I am so SO thankful to be reunited with my mojo. 

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: Louis in  Your Pain (is mine now) was a complete surprise! I was not prepared for him to have as much baggage as he did, but the more I wrote the less that piece was ‘fun smut fic’ and more ‘smut fic with a side of angst’ and you know what? I aint mad. 

❄️ More Under the Cut

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing: The voicemail from The Ground Below is Above My Feet :

Between the sixth and seventh attempt it clicks. Harry’s not going to answer, and even if—

The beep cuts in.

“You won’t ever hear this.” Louis completes his thought. A hand comes to his hair, grips the front of his fringe. “Fuck, you won’t ever listen to this you fucking bastard because you think I’m trynna stop—” He licks his chapped lips, tugging at a fleck of peeling skin. “I just want to hear your voice one last time, please, I just need one last ‘I love you’ and I’ll… ” Louis gasps over a shudder, unable to breathe and speak and think all at once. “I love—” He chokes. He pulls the phone away with a muffled, “Shit.”

So much for the truth.

He stops in the loo to scrub his face with cold water before returning to Niall’s bedside.

12. How did you grow as a writer this year: Losing my fear of bad writing. The sheer amount of work I was able to produce was incredible once I got over this! If you’ve heard the story about the two groups making pots, I really wanted to be the group that made as many pots as possible. In my case, it was to write as many fics as possible, some better than others, so that through quantity I would discover quality. And it worked! I think my writing has developed immensely in so many technical ways, and it all comes down to being unafraid to write a mountain of rubbish to find the diamond within. 

13. How do you hope to grow next year: I’d love to write longer, more involved stories, starting with my Big Bang this year! 

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): Uhm. hmm. I did mimic some of my writing style on cerain fics after a few poets I’ve read this year, the most well known unsurprisingly being Richard Siken. I also reread the Shiver series by Maggie S and woooow yeah, that was a big inspo for creating narrative flow and vivid senses. 

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: Definitely! In Singing Harmonies in Neverland's Embrace there’s a small bickering moment with the crew over the radio, and really Liam’s general annoyance for his earpiece. I wear a radio 70 hours a week on a busy film set, so that was definitely inspired by my life. In Ground Below, when Louis is surprised there’s such a thing as moisturiser just for faces, that was also inspired by an interaction I had with an ex, and the way he hears the car crash was inspired from my own experience being invovled in and witnessing crashes irl. I’m sure there are more but those are the ones that come immediately.

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: Open a document and write what happens. That’s it. Nothing fancy, nothing cheeky, nothing overly inteligent or original. Write what happens. THEN in your second draft, make it look like you knew what you were doing. This advice comes from Neil Gaeman and it honestly changed my approach to writing. You don’t need to have beautiful pros in the beginning, like drawing all you need are some circles and squares to know the general idea of it all. Only after you have the whole picture roughed in can you worry about going in to make it detailed and nuanced. 

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: I am so hoping to finish my Big Bang: If My Heart Were Mine, a fic I’ve had drafted for two years now (previously known by it’s working title Called Your Name) As well as the time travelling idea I’ve had for awhile: Who Hung the Moon. Very recently I’ve become enamoured with this idea for a fic for The Witcher TV series and I’d also love to see that come to life, but it will be quite a huge undertaking!  Fingers crossed. 

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read. A lot of people I would have tagged were already tagged, so hmm… @risthebrave @larry-hiatus @jacaranda-bloom @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed @hershelsue @londonfoginacup @sadaveniren