#i know i havent posted in months but my heart is hurting and i think this is a good message to leave on my blog.

[girlcrushau]

[johnegbert]

genuinely growing up on this site messed up my brain, heart, and morality so much. if youre able, please try taking a break from social media and meditating on how insular and intense everything is on these hyperonline spaces. i think it is one of the most valuable things you can do. please be kind to one another, live and let live, and don't automatically assume you are the best person with the most difficult life in every room. please learn that coating everything in layers of cynicism and irony is very rude and shocking to a lot of people. and i know no one wants to hear this and im only comfortable saying this because of my detachment but please for the love of god do not pressure others to use substances just because you think theyre cool and if you use anything harmful at least don't glamorize it to other susceptible people.

[signed-loni]

hi!! do you think you could to sal, larry, ash, and todds reaction to you having a broken bone? (rib, leg, arm, etc) thank you ! :)

Mwa ha ha ha ha….

I HAVENT POSTED A STORY AT ALL FOR LIKE 2 MONTHS SO HERE YOU GO

anyhoo any shoe, here you gooooo

warnings: cussing, broken bones (idk man could b a trigger)

🎭Sal🎮

So, you were just like…playing stupid games, and how did that end? You getting stupid prizes.

you were known against not only your family, but to your entire school for being a klutz.

you didn’t know what was wrong with you, you kinda just attracted accidents

so, it was no surprise that when you chose to climb a tree just for gits and shiggles, you fell down and broke your leg.

at first, all you could feel was shock. But then, it settled in.

you were screaming, crying, it was low key kinda sad..💀

JK you took that shi like a boss

not really

but sal and Larry heard you from larrysroom due to you being right in the back, climbing a tree close to the treehouse.

they rushed out, immediately going to your aid, Sal being the first to come up to you and tell Larry to call an ambulance.

he cradled you in his arms as you cried, you gripping onto his jacket, screaming his name

“fuck sal!! Please sally, please it hurts, it hurts it hurts! Fuck!”

all sal could do was run a hand through your hair and try and comfort you

“its gonna be okay my love, its gonna be okay”

waited in the waiting room the entire time you guys were at the ER

refused to leave without you

you walked out of the ER about an hour later with a cast on your leg and crutches

sally said you looked like slenderman with the crutches

made you feel a bit better.

🎸Larry🍃

what had happend was, you and larry were cruising around nockfell, doing stupid shit like ding dong ditch, getting a bunch of snacks and going behind the 7/11 you guys got them from to smoke, cute, rebellious highschool couple shit

until you guys went to the lake.

you and larry decided to try and walk on the ice at the lake, and when you got there, you didnt know how thick it was, so parry bet you 50 dollars to jump off the dock and on the ice

mind you, the dock is pretty high up from the water

so, you booked it to the dock, running up and and falling on the ice with FULL FORCE

you slipped back and landed on your arm, twisting it back and breaking it

you looked up from where you were to larry, and as he was laughing his ass off and walking toawrds you to help you, you look up at him and say “larry, i think I just broke my fucking arm”

larry looks dumbfounded

he stays like that until you rip a scream from your throat, not being able to contain the immense pain you felt in your arm

“Fuck!!”

larry shouts as he fumbles for his phone to call and ambulance and sal as quickly as he could

when the ambulance gets there, sal and larry are both panicking, they dont know wtf to do

you crying, shouting, and screaming, and theyve never seen you like this

when you get to the ER, larrys panicking, but like over things that arent even related to a broken arm

“dude what if her leg hurts!!” “larry, her arm is BROKEN.”

its was kinda funny

when you walk out, larry immediately runs up to you and hugs you as toght as he can. He was worried as FUCKKKKK

Sal runs up to you to, and also hugs you, hut not as tight

“next time larry, lets check how slippery the ice is before we test how hard it is”

💜Ash🥀

Decided to take you on a sledding date

yeah, NOT FUCKING FUN FOR U

Ash, bless her heart, had no idea what was going to happen. Poor girl just thought “hey its winter, how bout I take them on a snow related date!”

turns out the slop was too high, and TOO DANGEROUS

Because u guys didnt go to some a place that provided an area for sledding, you just found a tall slope and slid down it

turns out, you suck at sledding!

because not even a couple minutes after you went down, you lost control and fell out of your sled, rolling and tumbling down the hill, a lot of your weight going to your side and on top of your arm, and all you could hear was *CRACK* and also the very loud scream that erupted from your throat

Ash freaks the FUCK OUT when she hears you scream from behind her, you getting on your knees and just fuckin SOBBING

Couldnt stop, so she sled as fast as she could down the hill and ran like the fucking flash to tour side to ask what happend

“I f-fell-l off m-my sle-ed and fell a-nd i th-i-ink i b-broke my ar-r-rm” you said between sniffs and crys and quick breaths

Ash immediately calls 911 and is almost YELLING at the paramedics to get there already because shes fuckin WORRIED

paces around the waiting room cus shes nervous and feels like shit for being the reason of your pain (shes not but she cant help but feel like she is since shes the one who made u sled with her)

A while after the incident, she’s constantly trying to pay you back for being the “reason of your pain” when she was the exact opposite since she literally called the hospital and stuck with you the entire time?? Her logic is funny

🧡Todd🔍

(okay im gonna be 100 percent honest, Todd is just not my favorite to write for, for multiple reasons, so im gonna put him in a situation where he WASNT with u, and was just called up by sal or larry frantic on the phone like “uhhh, y/n broke a rib” or smth😭 )

Todd was minding his business, working mindlessly away on an essay and trying his hardest to ignore the STANK of weed in his apartment.

was almost done with his essay, when he gets a call from Larry saying “Dude! Y/n totally broke theyre fuckin leg!! Its in like a gnarly ass bent shape!! Like a fuckin triangle or some shit!” And then gets cut off by sal,-“Todd, you shouod probably come right now. Y/n had a totally freak accident and broke their leg. They probably want to see you”

Todds on the other end like “wtf just happend”

Regardless, speeds over to the hospital as auick as he can to see what happend and what Sal and Larry did to hurt his beloved partner

doesnt help sal or larry with homework for the next 3 months, or until you heal

A/N: OMFG IM SOOOO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO POST!! I feel bad cus i have so many things in my drafts🥲🥲 anyhoo hoped you enjoyed this!! Remember your not aline in your journey, and theres always someone u can talj to :)) Xoxo, loni

[xyouami]

Wanderer/Scaramouche fluff HCs

Literally just fluff headcanons of my fav bbg scaramoochie

☆ PLEASE FORGIVE ME THAT I HAVENT BEEN POSTING ON TUMBLR LATELY IVE BEEN REALLY BUSY WITH STUFF ONLINE AND IN REAL LIFE I PROMISE ILL POST PROBABLY TWICE OR ONCE A MONTH IF I HAVE ENERGY 🫶

TW: blood

You would sometimes go out adventuring, and when you would come back hurt or any injuries, or just the smallest one. Scara scoffs you off, but then he comes right back taking care of your wounds. In secret when you were gone, he'd always pray that you were safe and would come back with no injuries, even the smallest one you can imagine.

Scara would hug you for the longest time ever so that you can't leave. You would always pester him, but he would always hug you by the waist so you couldn't go. He would always put his head on your shoulder and just embrace your warmth.

One day, you went off adventuring, and you were gone for far longer than Scara had anticipated. When you were back, you were heavily injured. You had blood on your face, your hands were covered in your dirty blood, and badly wrapped bandages. He immediately engulfed you into a hug. Scara then gave you good lecture and took care of your wounds. After that day, when you would go adventuring, he would secretly follow behind you so you wouldn't get hurt again.

Scara has a gigantic soft spot for you. He tries to hide it but he's so bad, it's so cute. He always wants to hold your face and he just looks at you, inspecting every detail of your face. He just fights the urge to kiss you, so Scara just blushes really intensly. He then let's go of your face and hides his own because he knew he was blushing.

Scara is the one to get jealous, very easily. You would sometimes go out and talk your friends. (Ex: Kaveh, Alhaitham, Nilou, Dehya, etc etc) he would just stare at the person in slight digust thinking; 'Why are they hanging out with them? I'm right here they could talk to me.' And when you guys get home, he immediately suffocates you in a hug.

Scara would always image him kissing you, or you kissing him, but he would always get too flustered and say to himself, "Love? Tch, weak. I can never imagine it." But whenever he sees you, he always feels so warm and happy.

You were always the clumsy one whenever you were around Scara. So when he realized that, he asked Nahida to put on tape on some of the books to stay attached to the bookshelves so they wouldn't fall on your head. Or he would put some of the tape on the table and kitchen appliances so you wouldn't break them and get hurt as well.

Scara has abandonment issues. So he always overthinks whenever you go out to do something, even if it's small, he's afraid of waiting to just not see you again. But whenever you come back, he always wants a hug from you.

whenever you would take naps around the house, Scara would watch you sleep to just make sure you weren't having any bad dreams. If he were noticing that you were crying or having a bad dream, Scara would wake you up. And or if a strand of hair got in your face, he would brush it away and watch you peacefully. And once you wake up, Scara calls you a weakling for taking naps /j

Scara doesn't know how to say I love you. He always chickens away whenever he says it and he always dies in embarrassment. But he'll always try and say it to you because in his heart, you are everything to him.

Scara just loves kissing you! He just loves giving you kisses all over your face. You are the most cherished person in his eyes, and if you're talking to him, he'll all of a sudden just kiss you.

"And so this happened..."

"Shut up." Scara said.

"Make me." You replied.

He just grabs your chin and kisses you. If he wants, probably for a long time. And once you pull away, he just wants more but doesn't know how to say it.

Sometimes, you forget to eat breakfast or lunch, and if you do, Scara immediately comes to you with your favorite food and stuffs your mouth with it. It doesn't matter if you're still chewing it. He'll just hold out a spoon to feed you. It's funny because he does this in a straight blank face, half of the time he's scolding you because you forgot to eat.

Whenever Scara is gonna go out somewhere, and you're still sleeping, he'll grab the blanket and cover your face while you're sleeping so he doesn't disturb you. And once he's done, he removes the blanket from your face and turns off the light so you can go back to sleep.

Scara, whenever he is locked up in his room, you always check up on him. He either crying or he has puffy eyes. And whenever you comfort him and leave the room, he tries to break the urge to pull you back into the room so you can't leave him.

@xyouami 7/19/23 10:35 pm

[moonshynecybin]

lonely Marc vs constantly surrounded by friends Vale in the context of the FCO AU means that way more often than the other way around, Marc is the one who has to hang out with Valentino’s friends (are some of them mad at him for making Vale lose the 2015 title? are some of them happy to see Marc because they had befriended him in their pre-Sepang outings and they think Marc is cool?) + the image (inspired by the one on the right of that post) where Valentino comes up behind a seating Marc while Marc is busy listening to Valentino’s friends and Valentino squeezes Marc’s shoulders before bending down to ask him if he’s okay (also asks him if he needs anything, if Vale needs to be a pretend boyfriend he’ll be a pretend perfect boyfriend) and then he starts participating in the conversation with his friends and doesn’t notice that he’s still standing behind Marc, massaging his shoulders now

forced coming out au lfg. the post in question here… this got long sowwy

it is like. okay they spend SO much time tooling around in the paddock right? and yes they are very busy doing their very demanding jobs for most of that time, but they are ALSO basically all stuck together living in an extremely gossipy little travelling TOWN/COMMUNITY that lives together in the space of like a square mile and knocks elbows with each other for a lot of the year. i mean their behavior is highly observable!! cameras reporters and riders everywhere...

so all this to say, if marc and vale want to pull this off (not only to the public, but also to the paddock) theyre going to need to spend a truly stupid amount of time together. especially after a clash like sepang where people KNOW their relationship isnt teflon, theyre going to need to overcompensate pretty hard to overcorrect that bad boy. constantly checking in. like if vale has lunch in a different part of the paddock than marc, headlines are running that are like LOVERS ON THE ROCKS?? they are a HUGE international news item it has transcended motogp at this point. so they are GLUED together inside of work (insane 4 them), and then it also overlaps OUTSIDE of work where they are also supposed to hang out in order to be photographed together. so theyre going on little dates all the time (INSANE 4 THEMMM. they want to fuck so bad but THEYRE STILL EXES and they havent since the pictures but theyre soso horny so they are like. white knuckling it through every date where theyre alone it is. truly insane in their brains. the bathroom is RIGHT there and it LOCKS and if it where a year ago vale would be INSIDE HIM by nowwwww. but instead they are making small talk about tire regulations over seafood. dire. the sex dreams are crazy they are being haunted by dick.) but i digress.

SO i actually think they avoid group hang-outs pretty vigilantly for a while bc it is literally the only scrap of privacy they can get in almost any context of their lives. like even when they have to spend time together, if its just the two of them there is less overall performance involved. they just have to hang out! they used to be very good at that! yeah it hurts like open heart surgery but #nopainnogain! so they do that for a few months until vale gets VERY publicly invited out by one of his buddies who is like hey bring marquez we havent met him yet... and vale is like. haha okay ! :) (internally hes like. what if i die.) tells marc and MARC is internally like. do they hate me. will this be the worst night of my life. walls up to the fucking SKY.

and they get to this bar/restaurant/thingy and marc is doin fine. again hes nice and hes very pr trained so hes friendly and its pretty even keel for the most part. no one's being a dick. BUT i DO think vale comes back from the bar or something and catches the tail end of someone referencing the pictures or sepang or their time apart... just casual, just a joke. meaning nothing by it bc they think its in the past! but vale has spent a STUPID amount of time with marc at this point, and he's keyed in to all of his terrible tragic little microexpressions (side note. if he rewatched the sepang presscon at this point and watched marc's face i think he would genuinely vomit) so he can see RIGHT through how uneasy he still is and he just. he has to touch him. let marc know that hes on his side here, like he cant say anything but he CAN do this. he HAS to do this bc all of this is his fault! so he pulls marc in under his arm, leans in to kiss him slow and sweet in front of everybody just because he can, and then smoothly changes the subject at the table... keeps his hand on marc's thigh and avoids the way marc stares at him for the rest of the night, the way he relaxes into him slightly. goes home and has the most INSANE wet dream perhaps of all time

[muikitoo]

~You leave Muichiro..~

im so incredibly sorry i havent posted any fics :( i ran out of ideas and im currently trying to find any possible ideas for fics😥

"And i will gladly break it, i would gladly break my heart for you..~" —Sweet by CAS

You and Muichiro werent currently doing so good. Always being stressed out and fights almost every other day werent making the situation any better. You would try to be patient with him, tho you felt like he didnt even care. He barely put any effort. Yea he was stressed and had other hashira things to do but how come the other hashiras had plenty of time and he didnt? You honestly got sick of it. He didnt understand you or your feelings.

One day you finally decided to meet up. You were honestly so done with him, you loved him and theres no doubt about that. You loved him so much it was crushing you. You didn't feel cared for, you knew he still loved u but it hurt regardless.

"Hey. You wanted to meet up?" You heard a familiar voice behind you.

"Yea, I did. I needed to talk to you about something." You said, nervousness starting to bubble inside of you as you turned around to face the mist hashira.

He waited patiently before you started to speak again. "I want to break up with you. Don't get me wrong, i still love you. I do. But im sick and tired of trying to wait for you. I dont feel loved or cared for, i know it seems stupid bc youre stressed and have duties, but how come even all the other hashiras have time and you suddenly dont? I know you care, but sometimes i even doubt that. Do i even cross your mind at all? I'm sorry Muichiro, but i think this is best for both of us."

He felt his heart being ripped apart. He had a feeling this would happen, since youve been distant with eachother. He stood there, his mouth slightly opening to say something.

"Okay, if thats what you want." He regretted saying that. But he didnt know what else to do in a situation like this. You scoffed as you started to walk away, he stood there, silently watching until you were out of his sight. He felt his breath hitching, eyes starting to water. He really messed up. And he knew it. Muichiro did care and he loved you more than anything. He was so overwhelmed with the recent missions he's been getting, and on top of that his memories from his past were eating him alive. You were the only reason he wanted to hang on. But now you were gone too.

He slowly turned around as he began to walk away, tears falling down his cheeks.

The next few months were hellish. The mist hashira was a wreck and it was obvious. He tried to forget you like always, but every time he saw you the gut-wrenching feeling would always return. Heck even the hashiras noticed and tried their best to find ways to cheer him up.

All he could do now was watch from a distance as you got closer each day to another demon slayer, Tanjiro Kamado. Honestly, Muichiro knew the boy could treat you better anyday. And if it meant you would be happy now without him in your life, then he wouldnt mind getting his heart broken. As long as its for you.

[takami-takami]

hii I love all ur posts and writing !! (bare with me english not my native language but talking with people helps)

just wanted to ask what do u think hawks would be like when thinking abt getting married, some people think he isnt that type of person more like douchebag / playboy etc but hes a sweetheart deep down considering everything that happened to him (and "mean!hawks" too IDK hes prob just a annoying tease in bed) anyways i was thinking about it earlier and i was like wtf would he do, im sure he would do it in private but other than that idk because the commission, planning, what are ur thoughts? maybe he would be really anxious thinking about it but he knows ur the one? nobody has written about this like for real ( i THINK) if u or someone else has tell me PLEASE. i"ve been thinking about it for a while (a Lil embarrassed ngl)

just asking what u think in general what he would do bc like said havent seen anyone talk about it

at the start of the relationship, he's probably like nervous to even be in one but after like 3 months or something he probably wants to be with you forever and never let u go, it would be a bit hard for him to plan it all out because he barely has anyone to talk about it other than you unless he hired someone which no.. i think because he wants to make it special from his heart + the commission giving him any time to do anything let alone a honey moon and blah ya know?

other than that im stumped no idea

(u can ignore idm !! )

(MHA season 6 episode 3 spoilers ahead!)

People say Hawks is a playboy, but that couldn't be further from the truth. He's such a sweetheart. Self sacrificing.

I think he falls hard. It is extremely difficult for him to trust, given not only his childhood, but his time with the commission, too. With the amount of undercover dirty work they made him do, there's no doubt they taught him from very young to trust no one. The message from his parents and the commission is clear: he can only trust himself.

But... We know Keigo still feels; so, so strongly. Dabi mocks him for it, mocks him because he can't stop himself from being "distracted by his emotions". Even when he knows what he's "supposed" to do in the Twice scene, he hesitates because it fucking hurts, he still feels pangs of empathy. Despite all he was taught about shutting off your emotions, that's something he still can't do completely, even if he ultimately decides to do the opposite of what he feels.

So. It would take a very, very long time for him to truly open up to you, much less recognize his feelings as romantic (he goes through a stage of denial, because he never saw himself actually being "selfish" and allowing himself a real relationship). But once he has his mind made up, and really makes that decision to be yours, he will not give that up for anything. He follows through to the end.

I think he always wanted to get married. Not in the way his parents did; he never did have a good example. But the way people on TV did, the way they wax poetic about in songs he never understood. He is definitely the marriage, soulmates kind of guy. He craves that slow, that domesticity, to protect.

You make such a good point that he wouldn't know what to do because he has no one to talk about it with... But he knows he wants it to be special. He would fret and fuss so hard about it being perfect, trying to impress you and stressing over it so badly.

Until one day, you grab his hand and tell him, "lets get married, right here. Right now." It doesn't have to be official to be entirely authentic and in love and you. To the backdrop of the dim light of a summer evening, under the flourescent glow of the string lights adorning your back porch, you have your first dance to the tune of the creaky wood beneath your feet. You dance to the tune of a love song he finally understands.

[hlficlibrary]

umm hello, i need your help... i havent read a fanfic in a few months and it's starting to feel weird coz i'm literally always reading but now whenever i open a new fanfic i end up skim-reading it and it feels like a dishonest thing to do

so could you please recommend me some angsty fanfic under 20k which are very gripping....

THANKYOU

Hello, anon! You're very welcome! This was an interesting challenge because I wanted to get you closer to 20k than super short ones. And for some reason the angsty ones I could think of are either short or over 20k. That being said, I knew I'd be able to find you some. (ALSO, I promise you that just skim-reading something is a perfectly fine thing to do and there's nothing dishonest or bad about it. Sometimes, we just find ourselves in a place where it's harder than other times to get into a story. That's no one's fault! I do understand the feeling of wanting to really get into a story though, so I hope these fics will do that for you!) I'll put the word count with these so you know how long these are and also I fudged the first one because I think it's JUST what you're looking for and it's just a little over 20k.

what's left of my halo's black by LiveLaughLoveLarry / @loveislarryislove (E, 22k)

As Harry sucks lovebites into Louis’ neck, Louis hopes that one day those marks will cover the way he can still feel Alex’s handprints burned into his flesh.

As Harry’s nails drag scratches along Louis’ back, Louis hopes that one day the scabs on his heart will heal and drop away just like the scabs on his skin.

As Harry fucks him down into the mattress, the bed shaking with every thrust, Louis hopes that one day his mouth will forget the shape of Alex’s name, won’t trace it over and over as the heat builds inside him, won’t want to scream it when he comes. Maybe one day he’ll open his eyes, as he slowly floats down from his post-orgasm haze, and won’t expect to see Alex’s face smiling back at him.

But today is not that day.

A year after a devastating breakup, Louis is still trying to put himself back together - but getting over a breakup is hard when you work as a wedding planner. Thankfully, his coworker Harry is the most supportive friend Louis could ask for. But Harry has some secrets of his own, and they send Louis' world spinning off its axis all over again.

bonded by @juliusschmidt (M, 20k)

Louis cannot remember his life before Harry. He had one- Harry is, after all, two years younger than he is- but he cannot pull up even one memory that is not somehow intertwined with Harry.

the one where they are bonded, but it's not like that and they have to pretend like it is

No Easy Love (Could Make Me Feel This Way) by @allwaswell16 (E, 17k)

There’s never been anyone for Harry but Louis. He had always thought their love would last forever, despite society’s pressures on an alpha/alpha relationship. When Louis breaks up with him and moves to Chicago, he’s suddenly left behind to pick up the pieces of the life they once shared. Instead of moving on, he finds reasons to keep Louis in his life and in the process begins to piece together what went wrong.

Or an Alpha Louis/Alpha Harry au where they get a second chance to make things right with the love of their life.

You're A Universe by Jiksa / @jiksax (E, 15k)

Harry doesn’t ever mean to hurt him; Louis doesn’t know how to tell him that it’s the only thing he ever does anymore.

Or, Louis’s a stay-at-home dad in London and Harry’s a business expat in Qatar. Louis doesn’t know how much longer their marriage can survive the distance.

give me things to stay awake by embodied (E, 10k)

It’s shitty and it’s counterproductive and it’s self-indulgent, but he lets it become a thing. On Saturday nights Harry goes out and gets so pissed he can’t stand, and when the bartender cuts him off he rings Louis and is in his car within an hour. It’s not a cycle he’s proud of, but it’s also something he can’t resist, and he keeps doing it as long as Louis keeps showing up.   AU. It's been a year since Louis broke up with Harry.

[wheredarknessarises]

long post ahead (just a sea of thoughts)...

a couple days ago i had a fight with my partner and i said a lot of mean things i didn’t mean to. i was full of rage but as the day was ending i went to see him. he hugged me and i melted. i apologized for hurting him.

“we hurt each other unintentionally” is what he said and it struck to me. he was right we both hurt each other without knowing and end up fighting. i’m glad i made up with him that day too.

unfortunately, my day ended up being fine but his. didn’t. he had another issue that i can’t be a help of.

it has been two?three days? maybe more, i lost count, since we conversed properly. it hurts, a lot. but what can i do? i’m just a twenty three year old girl living with her parents with absolutely no freedom and is reviewing for her board exam. there wasn’t really anything i could do for him. i cant go to him, do you expect me to go to him in the middle of the night to console him? as much as my heart desire to, I CAN’T. 

good thing he had friends that can listen to him and be with him. it is a good thing right? but why do i feel so envious? why do i feel so left out? i wanted to be the one consoling him, the one he shares his problems, his laughter, to be by his side until everything is okay. fck. just fck my life.

i’ve been feeling so tired physically, mentally, and emotionally. what a great combination isn’t it. tired from my effing errands yesterday and i think my bloody ass strong pain reliever still has its effects on me until now (it made me vomit last night too, my hotshots all wasted). i slacked off from reviewing today, i just slept the whole fcking day. my partner’s been updating me which i appreciate but all i could say was “okay love, i love you more” and thats it very unusual of me. 

then i realized what i was feeling, what i actually am. i am a jealous selfish bitch who wants her partner all by herself and want to be included all the time and fix others problem so she will feel better too. thats who i am. am i proud of it? no, of course not, thats why i am writing this sht as post for me to realize what i really am (writing is my coping mechanism im sorry guys)

i cant accept the fact that my partner after so many yrs has friends to rely on that arent my friends as well. that he’s able to laugh again because of them and on those days that we havent been talking he was with them. i havent seen him for months, i havent been able to vidcall with him, talk to him, spend time with him virtually while they were. i fcking envy them, i am the girlfriend but i am absent on his difficult time i dont even know what the problem is and i respect him if he cant tell me right now because we have our own fcking problems we want to deal with by ourselves. but since i am a selfish bitch i always wanna know i wanna know i want to be there i want to be the shoulder he cries on i want to be the one he’s with drinking his night away. but im not, and its never gonna be me unless i leave this fcking house. right now, its just not me. and i have to accept that but it doesnt me i cant be hurt because i accepted it right?

oh and i just remembered, i wrote him a fcking letter last night, it was national boyfriends day yesterday right? i dont know if he even noticed or if he appreciated it. i know its not the right time to think about it like the person’s having personal problems and im gonna put that fcking letter and fcking sumone first? i’m not dumb but again it doesnt mean i cannot get hurt.

but i am not mad, i wont be mad, i dont want to add more problems so ill fix this myself i am not relying this problem to him this is my issue that i have to solve on my own. and to conclude i admit i am selfish and jealous and toxic. so i am gonna fix it. if you read all of these then fck you just wasted your goddamn time but thank you for reading my thoughts. gotta go to my review now. ciao.

[beaniepanini]

040124 00:34

hi. i havent written in a while. im sorry. to be honest, i dont know how to start. i've been all over the place since the last time i wrote. i dont really understand much anymore, and im kind of having a crisis? kinda. last i wrote was september, so i didnt get to write about what i'd like to call "The October Fiasco" because yeah, it's the type of thing that happens that require me to give it a title.

The October Fiasco happened on October 26, 2023. A month and a half since the break-up. At that point, the last time I talked to my ex was on my birthday, cuz theyre an asshole like that. i had a seminar five cities over the next day and had to leave at 3am. that day was already off to a bad start which involved an argument with my dad, and me having a breakdown at the GSO. 7pm i had dinner with my adviser at orgmates and decided to check my life360 cuz i was still hung up on my ex. they were at the hospital. why were they at the hospital? are they okay?

My adviser told me it wasnt my problem anymore, I said yeah, its not. But i still cared about them. Fate was being a bitch and i ended up at the hospital anyways. Long story short, they didnt say anything about the fact that i was there. i dont fucking know. i may never find out what the fuck was in their mind that night, but whatever. its over. there's no point in me being mad anymore. i feel like im about to have a breakdown right now. i said what i said when they reached out in february. i dont want to talk to them anymore.

thats a lie. i feel like those 2 years were nothing to them and i was just never ever worth the effort. i feel horrible. right before i blocked them on facebook, their last post hinted that they liked someone new. would they treat that person the same? would they treat that person better? would they put in more effort? why couldn't they do that for me? was i just not worth it? i hate them. i fucking hate them for making me feel like this. no matter how much i give my heart out to them when we were together, it was nothing to them. they tried. i know that they fucking tried, pero putangina. when they reached out, they were cutting me off, what makes them think they have that kind of power over the situation? no. FUCK YOU. i'm not letting you get out of this unscathed. i want you to feel how much hurt you made me feel. i hope you fucking live with this guilt. i dont want you to find love, i want you to have nightmares about me.

im angry now. for fucks sake. anyways. i've moved on. i still have anger in my heart, but im sure i dont love them anymore. i cant fucking look back and think of happiness, im so angry that i wasted 2 years of my life with them. but we keep moving forward, i met someone. i've been having a hard time feeling that they genuinely do like me back because theyre a hypersexual person, but i know that this is also cuz i keep comparing them to my ex.

also, i should stop hiding their identity. hes a guy. ig that contributes as to why the whole hypersexual thing throws me off, considering i was assaulted. but he reassured me once, i said i know. im not used to the love and attention, so i know is not a him problem. its a me problem. he's been,, amazing. hes blown all my expectations out of the water. all the shit i had to beg for, he did it all naturally. he matches my energy. we're both weirdos. he makes me feel safe and cared for. i admit that im also hypersexual, but i never really talked about it. so with him, i feel comfortable. i opened up about it. we're doing okay. im not used to someone wanting me this much. im trying not to self-sabotage so i've been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately.

i still get emotional flashbacks to when i was with my ex. that if he's offline i assume the worst, because thats what happened with my ex. or just a few hours with not talking to him i go crazy and assume he wants nothing to do with me anymore. im working on it, but for fucks sake i didnt realize how deep the damage was until i met a guy willing to talk about it with me. my friend was really angry about this too when i opened up about it. it was an odd morning and he said he doesnt feel okay so he'll be offline for a bit. he said it was something personal, but i shut down. i assumed it was bcuz he was tired of me. i assumed he realized i was too much. that wasn't the case obviously, but i felt it. i have to keep reminding myself that he's not my ex.

i rambled. sorry. but yeah. im doing okay. kinda. we have a new puppy, her name is Taki.

[beaopalmoon]

so, so sosososo much has happened in my life in the last two months

trigger warning for familial death.

i havent taken the time to put it down in text and i know if i try to now i will be sobbing before i finish this post. but i'll try.

the summary i guess??

my father passed away suddenly last month. it was so fast and easily surpassed all of the worst experiences i've been through. his last few days were horrific and i can only imagine the pain and discomfort that he was in, but he is at peace now. i love my daddy with all my heart. mom and/or i were with him for every moment the hospital would allow us there though.

because the last thing he said was my name, i have decided not to transition. my parents love me unconditionally and never shamed me for my body's natural state, so if strangers have an issue with me being an intersex woman with a beard, that is their problem to deal with. testosterone didn't change all that much about my body while i was on it, but it did indirectly treat health problems that i had due to my body under producing hormones.

before he passed, all of his remaining siblings were with us at the hospital. i've become much closer with them and my cousins. in the last year or so, he had finally gotten up the nerve to visit and talk to them about his issues and hurt feelings over a few serious problems that he had, but nothing had really opened up as much about him and his family to me before this.

they paid for his funeral service. the whole thing. i'm still shocked, and don't know what i could ever do to repay that kindness. the few days leading up to the arrangement felt so long and heavy. mom and i bawled and held each other and sang together, and i tried my best to organize everything in a timely manner while grieving.

i reached out to some of the friends that i had from my own youth too. i have always had a hard time really keeping in regular touch with people, especially those that are busy with families, but two in particular have been so, so patient and kind to me, and we are closer than before already.

it's been a little while now, and i'm trying to be careful not to just jump in to something serious head first, but i'm in love again.

i am worried that i'm coping with this awful loss of my dad by latching on to this old friend, but god, i think about him all the time. he says he feels the same, and has for a long, long time... we're very different from how we both were as kids. i just have to be tender with his heart.

he is so gentle and so sweet. i've talked about many of my most painful struggles, my fears about my own health, my mom's well-being and my most conflicted feelings on my own gender and sex and he hasn't expressed anything but kindness to me about it.

i have terrible anxiety over the thought of letting people down, but i know for certain that i love deeply, and so did my daddy.

[tismemaximusprime]

welcome 4/7-8/23

well here you have it, welcome to my blog pat. im sending this to you so you can go through and read all my posts if youd like, most of the ones i write are tagged personal. 

i love you so much and tonight was an absolute slap in the face and tbh at first i wasnt mad at you at all for any of it. but i didnt realize you have still been in love with liv since atleast october if not sooner. i saw the messages. you wanted to have a family with her and spend your life with her. i understand she means a lot to you but you 100% are just trying to replace her with me, whether you believe it or not. youre not over her. she was rubbing against you and im pretty sure you were so happy about it. i know shes been there for you longer than me. but im wondering if you should have waited to start dating someone. you tell me youre over her but i know youre not. i see when were at the store now you first turn to her but then quick turn around to find me bc something in your head says you have a gf. i want to believe you want a life with me but legit you were love bomb messaging her a couple months ago. you said youll wait for her. what if she decides its time to try again. what if she begs you to leave me? will you do it? im terrified to lose you. im also hating little by little hanging with her bc she just obsesses over you. she still loves you and thinks youre her forever back up plan. thats not fair to you or me.

idk what to do anymore. im scared and tired of crying, its fucking 5am and i still havent slept bc i cant sleep. my mind is saying youre temporary and youll leave me which sucks bc i actually believe it more now. you dont talk to me like you do to her. i wonder if you think of her a lot, even when were having sex. do you still dream of her? idk if i can do this. this is really hard and tough and im so scared of being hurt bc i know i cant save myself from this one. so i need to know now if youre with me forever and only me. i cant go on for a few more years then build a life with you and we break up then. i mentally and physically cannot do it. im searching for my forever and i want you so badly to be my forever. seriously i love you so fucking much its insane. i just cant get my heart broken bc i wont recover if its later down the line.

do you seriously want to be with me? and i dont want to be a back up plan. its not fair to me. i want to be the first choice. i deserve it. hopefully ill be sleeping when you actually see this, so you have time to think and respond.

[writingtomynanny]

Good evening nanny, its been quite a while since i came here to speak to you last. Im usually sitting at your grave, i visit you quite often which you know. You already know all im about to say, but unfortunately beautiful, me and cody have broken up. Its not what i wanted at all, but you always told me to put my mental health first and i just had too. My heart is broken, still till this day and were in January now. My heart is broken. I know its for the best and i know i need too, im healing myself and im working on myself, but it just hurts nanny. I always wanted it to be us. But too be honest, us wasnt really us without you. You made up so much of our bond and helped us. Losing you we just lost ourselves also. But you know nanny, i never wish him any ill or pain. I wish him nothing but the best, the healing he needs and all the love in the world that he deserves. He will forever have the biggest space in my heart, but we just cant be together. I know you understand, i know you know its for the best regardless of the pain im feeling, cant speak for him. I miss the life we all had together, the good times. The bad times were bad, but the good times were so good. I miss you so much, i think of you every single day. I got in a really dark place for a while there nan, I was crying every night, i was taking a few too many valium, crying on the floor while begging for you to be here. I went to bed quite out of it a few times, the days were hard but the nights were even harder. I would cry for hours, one time i reached out and called a work friend and just cried to her. I was a few valium deep and also took an antihistamine, i wasnt myself. I havent been taking valium since, i felt like i couldnt have a night without them for a bit there. Ive been holding in my tears lately also. I broke down every night and now i hold off as much as i can, I balled reading the last few posts to you though. Something you also know, my nana died also. She lived a good life, i got to see her the day before she passed. she looked so peaceful. Im buying a new car this week nanny! I have worked hard the last 5 months and now im going to buy a 20k car outright with money left over. I am working so hard and working on myself, i wish i could show you and drive you around in it, but i know youre watching over me and cheering for me in the clouds. I should be studying right now but i cant focus, i just needed to talk to you. Ive had a few dreams about you, the other night i heard you screaming and i ran so fast to you, knowing you werent here anymore but i still ran to you, my heart hurt. I also had bad dreams about cody, it hurts my heart thinking about him moving on but i also know he deserves love. I hope with whatever hes doing, hes happy. i was messaging his old facebook at the start to feel like it was still normal and that we hadnt broken up. But then i just couldnt anymore. I have to catch myself thinking about him and stop. It doesnt work because hes on my mind 24/7 I have him blocked on eveything because i cant see him, or risk seeing his name anywhere. He unblocked me on facebook and tiktok, i dont know why as he never reached out but i had to make the decision to block him as i was obssessing over the idea of him reaching out and he never did. So i had too. I dont even know what i want, i just know for now and the forseeable future its just me. I aint entertaining anything, im just doing me and i dont want anything anyway. I am woman enough to know im too hurt, im not healed and i need to sort out my trauma/trauma bonding and bad coping mechanisms before even thinking about talking or entertaining anything. Im just not the same nanny, Its me time! Im going to wrap this up anyway beautiful. Sorry it was full of random shit about me and cody. Its good to come back too and see how i felt at one point in time though, Ill see you soon beautiful, you know i always pop down to your grave, sometimes multiple times a week./

I love you nanny, YNWA

[outsideratheart]

Hi I need help i think im falling for this girl and im f***

I have high walls because life havent been that great and honestly to much "friends" and family hurt me to a point i dont trust easy and i stop leaving the house for months,(im better now) and last time i feel like this and let someone in just end up build even higher walls.

I work some of this out but I always get scare about letting someone in, i know she is worth the risk but honestly my head doesnt let me do anything about it.

It can be scary but try to embrace it instead of running away from it.

As I said in my other post, our walls are our protection. We build them up to prevent further damage but sometimes they do more harm than good. They stop us from letting people and that means the good people too.

I love my walls trust me I do so I get it.

Don’t let fear stop you from experiencing happiness. You cannot let one bad experience or even multiple stop you from being happy. Sometimes you have to stop listening to your head and start listening to your heart.

[garlic-gun]

okay this post will Definitely work this time

the text under the cut is from the original version of this post, which itself is from a train of thought that started in its tags before swiftly spiraling out of control

im tagging this as doodles not bc it didnt take much effort (it definitely did take effort and time to try to get the anatomy to work before giving up (hence the note)) and i did have fun but bc i like. i didnt feel like. invested? i usually draw characters bc i think a lot about them and i want to express the things i think about them or that i think are fun or engaging. in fact, there are a lot of characters i have a lot of thoughts and ideas about that i just havent gotten the chance to like deliver on yet. but in general, if its not me putting a bit of me or my experiences in the character, its me trying to emphasize the character visually in a way thats fun for me and diverges from the base material (because it's fun) using my knowledge and interpretation of the character. the only really like "finished" design i have up is goku so ill use him as an example: hes a kind and friendly person so i wanted him to feel approachable but hes also a very strong person as well as having a strong will and i wanted that to be Felt so i ended up giving him a soft-ish but rectangular feel shapewise. rather than the like bodybuilder-y.. build, in terms of physicality, i pulled a bit from strongmen. theres more but this isnt the place its not his post but i'm saying all this bc the choices i made were based on things i wanted to convey both for goku himself And in relation to other characters, who i've been building up in my mind alongside him this entire time with the hope that they bounce off of each other in a fun, varied, but ideally not jarring way. all of this to say, there is basically no data on android 21 in my brain. when i draw her, most of her design flourishes are moreso working off of the twins, who i have at least vague ideas for, and traits related to androids in general (i havent gotten to 16 or gero yet so i dont know if there are traits i want to be similar or contrasted by 21, for example) than like. anything on 21 herself. my understanding of her is probably simultaneously one of my most surface-level of all the characters in the series (i dont have fighterz and i do not want to watch the story right now bc if i do get fighterz i refuse to pay for goku and vegeta blue but its going to hurt my soul to basically replay the story if it doesnt like make me explode so im choosing to stay blind) And the most like potentially warped bc outside of when people play her in tourneys i watch (and i dont even really like watching lc21 so i only see base roster her when i do) all i have to go off of is fandom wiki (unreliable) and any art ive ever seen of her in my life. all of this to say, theres nothing wrong with drawing a character just bc the design is fun but i've been thinking so hard and having at least some form of familiarity with the characters ive been drawing these past few months that Not being able to do that feels really weird. i guess i didn't feel like using my main art tag bc i didnt feel like my heart was really in it even if i did think about what i was doing bc i just didnt really think very hard conceptually. but i guess i Should talk about the design so

while simplicity is definitely a strength, i wanted to see if there was something different i could do. this isnt actually reflective of the order and way that i thought things through bc it Was a bit up and down and all around but essentially i saw that the sleeves from her human form stayed along with her earrings and i was like. what if it was a bit more. i actually went for the shape of that like crop top to the right Before i realized it was similar to her dress bc i just thought the shape was fun but i thought it could be interesting for the checkerboard pattern to still persist somehow. the bracelets i made more like jangly but i think it might have already been like that without me noticing. i guess where this was going is its been a while since i worked with a character Without dedicating like possible months of brainpower to it and .. im talking in circles and its late and i didnt get a lot of sleep i should probably stop

[self-destructing-sad-boi]

I talked to her daughter a few days ago. I'm so proud shes on hormones and that she had the courage to change her college course. I love her still

I'm bitter. I'm angry. I watched a Greys Anatomy death scene compilation the other day to cry. I'll never be over Derek's death

I never wanted to leave. I just didnt feel like I could stay