#i know intellectually thats not a rational way to go about doing things

[glamourslime]

Sometimes I think "I'm not That anxious as a person" but when I sit down to think about it it's like. What If I Accidentally Get Chemicals On My Skin And They Kill Me, and that's been a factor in my life every day for literally as long as I can remember. Which seems like maybe something someone who isn't particularly anxious would not spend a lot of time thinking about

[engagemythrusters]

Okay. Watching The Bad Batch for the first time and I’ve only gotten 2/3rds of the way thru the first season thus far, but I feel I now understand the characters well enough to start making conjectures.

So here’s what I’ve got so far:

Due to the inherent Muchness of heightened senses, I wouldn’t doubt a sensory processing disorder for Hunter. It’s clear that he’s gotten a handle on it (aka learned to adapt to, compensate for, and understand it) by the time TBB appears in The Clone Wars, but I bet it was hard to deal with when he was younger.

Wrecker appears to have a developmental/learning/intellectual disability of some sort, compounded by a TBI. He struggles with bigger words and is impulsive, along with other notable markers. This could have stemmed from the accident that left the facial scar and blinded his eye, but it seems that, based on how the other three original bad batch clones act around him, that this has always been a thing. A TBI likely added to this, because he seriously just keeps getting smacked in the head, the poor guy. He’s just a walking headache.

That being said, he likely gets lots of migraines. Seriously, that much head-smacking can’t result in a fun, happy time up in his head, pain-wise. I suspect the other four get them, too. Hunter has to process a lot of information from all senses, and Crosshair from his sight. That’s a lot to deal with, and I know I get headaches from a lot less. Tech… he’s staring at screens all day. Blue-light headaches much? And Echo… he’s literally got so much going on up there, technology wise, that it’s undoubtedly the cause of many a migraine. He’s one bad interface connection from a seizure, practically.

Crosshair has some attachment issues, I think. Like I believe all the clones would, had they not been programmed otherwise. They never got held by a caring individual, for gods sake. Maybe later generations had older brothers to hold them every so often, but that’s not enough. They never got one-on-one care. And, since his programming never kicked in correctly, Crosshair has all of that just shoved into his twig body. So, RAD, due to his obviously avoidant nature.

Tech is autistic and I don’t think that’s debatable, really. Like that textbook autism (which leads to a discussion about his savant nature being paired with a highly autistic-coded character and the harmful impact that could create for us autistic people in real life. The same harm of Wrecker’s disability vs how he’s treated as an ‘it’ in the show (said explicitly by Cid) and how Crosshair, with evident attachment issues, is demonised as the villain. BUT THATS ITS OWN ESSAY TO WRITE.)

Omega has ADHD and that one’s not heavily coded like the rest, but I think it fits!

None of them have true favourite siblings, but each are easier to go to for different things. Hunter, for leadership and emotional advice. Crosshair, for silent understanding (pre-chip activation). Wrecker, for emotional understanding and grounding. Tech, for intellectual advice and rationality. Echo, for interpersonal advice. Omega, for intrapersonal advice and a fresh, new perspective on everything.

I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that Hunter would have the highest, shrillest scream. It doesn’t make sense, but it just seems right (to me personally).

Tech and Echo spend a lot of time on Echo’s implants and prostheses. Echo clearly isn’t using them for their original intent—some not even used at all—so they have to be updated, modified, or taken out. (As evidenced by the—I’m assuming what is a—neural interface he now wears and the lack of other implants he used to have in TCW.)

Echo has chronic pain, due to phantom limbs. That, and it must take a lot out of him for those prostheses. They're melded to him in a way that seems... not user-friendly. Techno Union wasn't doing it because they wanted him to live a fulfilling life. They did it because they needed him. They wouldn't care about his pain. It's unlikely that he doesn't feel constant pain. I'm guessing his everyday average pain level it's equivalent to what normal people (i.e.: people who aren't me or other chronic pain-havers) would consider a 4 out of 10.

I have a feeling that most of them know the basics of swimming, but likely aren’t good at it—Wrecker especially. And, with all that armour, it probably wouldn’t matter if they could swim or not. That shit will absolutely sink them. Omega, once taught, would LOVE IT, though.

Crosshair would let a tooka adopt him. As in, he would let the cat follow him around. Whether or not he’d do anything for or about the tooka… I don’t know. But he’d allow it. (Wrecker would dote on the thing if it followed him. Lula and said tooka would be his best buds. He may like explosions, but he’s a sweet guy at heart!)

Echo and Crosshair have absolutely held staring contests. Asserting dominance. (Somehow, despite not having been involved in the first place, Wrecker has won at least two of them.)

Hunter has a taste for meilooruns. Tech does not.

All of them snore. Echo’s even has an electronic buzzing to it. Tech is absolutely the loudest. Omega has wished to smother them all in their sleep.

[inimikal-archive]

You  know,  actually,  I  realise  I  was  talking  earlier  about  villains  &  their  motivations  &  all  that  &  I  just  gotta  say  tbh  Wesker  is  probably  one  of  my  “least”  valid  muses  in  terms  of  his  motivations  because  while  he  can  definitely  put  his  views  across  in  an  understandable  way,  a  way  that  may  even  make  you  think  he’s  more-or-less  “right”,  there’s  really  a  lot  more  going  on  with  Wesker  than  what  meets  the  eye.  

In  fact,  I  would  probably  say  Wesker’s  not  really  as  concerned  about  humanity  as  he  thinks,  deep  down,  but  he  is  using  humanities  very  real  follies  as  a  justification  for  his  own  hatred  which  doesn’t  come  from  any  “valid”  place. Being  that  Wesker’s  “hatred”  is  a  result  of   his  loss  of  humanity. 

So  while  Wesker’s  right  about  some  things  he’s  not  entirely  doing  what  he's  doing  for  the  reasons  he  claims.  He  has  convinced  himself  “thats”  why  hes  doing  it,  because  it  sounds  “good”  &  in  ways  it  makes  a  degree  of  sense  from  an  intellectual  perspective,  but  the  underlying  problem  with  Wesker  is  that  he's  insane  in  a  bad  way.  More  specifically  he's  not  able  to  grasp  why  what  he’s  trying  to  do  is  extreme  at  best  &  horrific  at  worse  because  his  soul,  his  empathy,  his  human-feeling  is  long  gone. 

Wesker  is  driven  by  one  thing  since  his  resurrection  &  that  is  hate  &  bloodlust.  His  intellect  however  is  still  there,  so  his  desire  for  this  is  at  odds  with  his  intelligent  &  rational  brain.  Thats  why  he  bothers  to  try  justify  himself  in  the  first  place.  He  doesn’t  have  human  feelings  anymore  but  he  still  has  “human”  intelligence.  Which  is  the  horror  of  Wesker’s  condition  &  means  he  could  fit  the  term  tragic,  not  exactly  because  he’s  right  &  misguided,  but  more  prominently  because  there  is  a  sense  of  real  horror  in  the  complete  loss  of  ones  self  &  the  ever  conscious  knowing  that  who  &  what  you  were  is  gone  &  has  been  replaced  with  something  totally  different;  something  that  is  deeply  &  restlessly  malicious.  Though  Wesker  isn’t  a  victim  of  societal  scorn or  in  any  real  way  disadvantaged  /  oppressed,  so  his  life  &  experiences  may  not  be  as  clearly  relatable  &  understandable  as  some  villains,  he  IS  a  victim  of  ideological  grooming,  abuse  &  manipulation  &  the  product  of  a  deeply  wicked  breeding  program  with  heavily  racist  aesthetics  &  horrifying  genocidal  intentions. 

WHICH  kinda  brings  me  to  thoughts  about  villains  like  Henry  /  Vecna.  Henry  &  Wesker  are  VERY  ALIKE  but  the  difference  is  Henry’s  “motives”  are  more  “powerful”  because  they’re  coming  from  a  more  meaningful  place.  A  place  of  lived  oppression  &  a  hopeless  lack  of  reprieve  from  it.  I  think  something  that is  overlooked  about  Henry  is  that  he  was  a  neurodivergent  child  living  in  the  hell scape  of  the  1950s.  While  this  is  kinda  in  subtext  it  came  across  very  bluntly  to  me  that  Henry,  beyond  the  ooo  spooky  psychic  powers  stuff,  was  suppose  to  be  autistic.  

While  Henry’s  psychic  powers  &  his  “connection”  with  some  evil  influencing  entity  take  the  “spotlight”  due  to  being  a  horror  based  series,  we  know  such  powerful  psychic  abilities  &  hopefully  evil  entities  are  not  real  or  at  least  are  not  a  common  societal  struggle.  Autism  is  however  a  VERY  real  &  very  common  thing  for  people  to  struggle  with  &  a  very  real  source  of  social  stigmatisation,  &  a  lot  of  Henry’s  struggles  were  as  closely  tied  to  his  autism  as  his  telekinetic  abilities  &  the  mindflayer’s  insidious  influence  within  his  life.  Like,  the  demonic  presence  &  psychic  abilities  are  there  for  the  sake  of  the  horror  genre  but  all  of  this  is  super  metaphoric  to  the  demonization,  the  oppression  &  the  struggle  of  the  neurodivergent  &  mentally  ill,  particularly  back  in  the  time  period  that  Henry  exists  within,  in  which  these  types  of  oppressions  were  hyper-emphasised.  I  think  a  lot  of  people  kind  of  miss  that  these  time  periods,  in  the  western  world,  were  utter  hell  for  anyone  who  didn’t  or  often  times  COULDN’T  fit  what  was  deemed  to  be  “normal”  by  a  heavily  bias  &  prejudicial,  power  structure.  This  was  a  time  when  anything  that  was  labelled  “abnormal”  was  considered  worthy  of  destruction.  Whether  by  outright  murder  or  by  fucked  up  attempts  to  FORCE  conformity  &  invisibility  out  of  the  non-conforming  thing.  Henry  EXPLICTLY  talks  about  the  flawed  &  artificial  constructs  of  human  society,  his  inability  to  fit  them,  his  discontent  &  struggle  with  the  expectation  to  do  so  &  the  completely  abysmal  state  of  the  world  through  the  eyes  &  experiences  of  people  like  him  &  the  fact  this  shouldn’t  have  to  be  a  thing  &  his  aspirations  to  use  his  powers  to  change  it,  SO  why  anyone  thinks  that  this  characters  is  nothing  more  than  a  psychopath  who  likes  killing  for  the  lols  is  beyond  me.  These  motives  are  still  present  even  as  Vecna,  they’re  just  very  heavily  warped  by  the  unfortunate  state  of  lichdom;  the  becoming  an  undead,  supernatural  being  of  terror.  Vecna’s  methods  are  wrong  &  evil.  He  is  ultimately  murdering  innocent  teenagers  &  like  everyone  else  to  be  fair  like  despite  the  memes  the  v-man  is  pretty  indiscriminate,  to  achieve  his  goals  but  its  a  case  of,  again,  being  supernaturally  poisoned  by  an  evil  entity  that,  in  his  continuous  rejection  &  exile  from  everyone  else,  he  willing  embraced  as  the  only  thing  that  presented  itself  to  him  as  a  friend  &  an  ally  to  help  him  in  his  goal.  You  could  also  say  that  Vecna’s  goals  are  possibly  not  going  to  be  as  benign  to  humanity  as  he  may  have  originally  intended  them  to  be  when  he  was  still  human  but  his  motives  still  remain  &  make  him  tragic  as  opposed  to  just  being  a  psychopathic  monster.   Because  the  thing  about  villains  like  Henry  &  even  Wesker  is  the  things  that  made  them  what  they  are  are  the  most  terrifying  &  monstrous  of  all.  These  things  are  as  at  fault  &  to  blame  as  the  characters  actions  themselves,  if  not  more  so,  as  the  absence  of  these  very  real  &  painful  evils  would  mean  neither  Henry  or  Wesker  would  ever  be  driven  to  the  places  they  were   that  made  them  the  villains / antagonists  they  are  in  the  first  place. 

[sazzafraz]

this is for honest xiyao enjoyers only. respect yourself

one of the reasons im creatively stuck on no return is that i also have to decide what Sir Not Appearing lan xichen is doing in jin lings section. which is suffering, obvs! am i going to write his fic, probably not historically speaking, but its timeline defines parts of no return so i am here. in my own bullshit.

why can't i decide? well i think this fic is xiyao. and i have little?? opinion??? on that. its not quite a pairing that baseline works for me, which isn't a problem because thats not how i write. what i want is to understand it, and i don't. i think its a pairing of 'like-to-like', in that they're clearly people who are pleased with eachother, but in my own reading of the novel i don't think they understand eachother, which is my usual shipping motivator. i also think sasunaru don't always understand eachother. so im like. banging my sns brain. he solution is to read what popular xiyao looks like and figure out what we're working with. but i think hmmm. that my interpretation of them individually gets in the way.

for instance, in this interpretation, i don't think jgy knows about lxcs fucked up conception* because of how lxc self conceives. in the creation i do have of his story he omits what is not useful, and has an austere knowledge of his own history, because what he does know doesn't match his own morality (if i do write this story i think we're going to get a whole lot of 'hey mxtx what did you mean? by that?' with what Madam Lan means for people who aren't wangxian). i don't even think his keeping this is a thing he'd conceive of as a 'secret' its like. lore. in the way the history of the rules is lore**.

and i'm like. working back from the idea that jgy probably would consider it a bit harsh. he can intellectually get it! and respect it! but the idea of someone you revere finding you on some level untrustworthy is a thing i think could stick for him. i can't see this changing their relationship but i don't know how a jgy who has to rationalize the specific unplumbed id of er-ge does. this is compelling to me, a horrid, but is this what other people like? does this make a xiyao???? probably not, but it is the only hook i have.

(some amount of this series is me, unfairly, kicking mxtx for being lazy about how she views her own characters. this is why i have decided to grandfather her into my own favourite literary tradition: shounen author)

but errrrrr jgy is also dead in this pov! what do i do with this? apart from have lxc suffer. what are the steps to compelling xiyao. how do i achieve. i'm sure someone has a manifesto if u've got this far and have it please give it to me so i can add it to the soup. thank u for coming to my tedtalk etc etc

honestly i'll probably also just design them some fucked astrological synastry. maybe divination will fix it!!!!***

*minor chance this comes up on jgy's The Library is Open routine at guanyin temple and i have forgotten

**sazz special: when ur childhood it too fucked consider it a mythology! depersonalize, baby!

***hi, hello, this also gives him Cursed Sexy Synastry with jin zixuan which is another objectively funny fic.

[hollyhomburg]

(warning: overly dramatic) part of me wants to write like- a fucking messy story. like messy as in the m/c is involved with all of the boys kind of messy. like- maybe she was jungkook’s childhood love who he lost touch with when he went to become an idol. and then one day she moves to seoul thinking he’s forgotten about her and thinks “better not bother him- he’s famous afterall” and ends up starting her own life without him thinking that their paths will never cross again. 

she hooks up with seokjin on accident one night without knowing who he is. it’s against his better judgement but he can’t help the fact that sometimes he gets riled up in the way that only a good fuck can settle. a few days afterwords she realizes who he was and decides against contacting him or answering his text messages. ( though she does respond when he writes “i guess you’ve figured out who i am- and in that case- i have to ask you to agree to this” and she’s not an asshole- so she signs the non-disclosure agreement which she sends back to him without comment). 

only a few days later she runs into jimin- or more correctly jimin runs into her getting harassed late at night by a few drunk men. he pretends to be her boyfriend. He’s wearing a mask and a bucket hat and glasses- and despite his height jimin is commanding enough to get them to back off. he ends up walking her home “how do i know you're not trying to walk me home so you can find out where i live?” 

“you’re new here right? dont you know how many cameras there are in seoul” 

“there aren't any cameras on my street” and so jimin sighs, pulls down his mask and turns to a billboard of his face (this one for vt cosmetics sitting outside a closed olive young). imitating his pose for a second before he can see understanding dawn on her face. “see? you really think im going to do something like that?” it’s not every day he lets himself be seen like this- but he has a feeling that for you it’s worth it. but it doesn't get near the reaction that he wanted. 

you curse low, crossing your arms over your chest.  “how the fuck is there another one” and though jimin responds with a ‘what?’ you dont answer. you keep walking, kicking a stone hard enough to hit the billboard. and jimin has to admit this is the first time he’s ever felt lacking in front of a woman. it’s electric and he can’t say he’s not drawn in. 

he walks you home- does not kiss the strange woman who he just met on the cheek even though you’re looking sleepy and soft and vulnerable. jimin is a gentleman. 

it’s not until weeks later that she actually does end up running into jungkook- and she’s shocked to find that their friendship and the pure chemistry they have is still there. they meet up for coffee after coffee and then- she meets the boys, and both seokjin and jimin just try to reign in their over imaginative hearts (and maybe their boners- maybe her and seokjin meet up in some forgotten corner of the company for a repeat meeting- during which seokjin confesses she’s the best fuck he’s ever had). 

everyone can feel the tension between you and jimin. and jimin is the first to confess that yeah- they did meet a few weeks back. and you both pretend you’re not blushing when hoseok teases “wahhhhh thats like a drama” jungkook stoic faced besides her. tugging on her earing and whining to leave. he wants her all to himself- not hat he’d ever admit that. and jungkook- jungkook wishes his heart didn't hurt the same way it had 10 years ago- wishes his schoolboy crush could have just stayed that. 

what's worse- is that Taehyung and yoongi have taken an immediate romantic interest in her. kind of having more of an adversarial situation where they both keep trying to one up the other. Yoongi takes her out on a boat to watch the sunrise in the middle of the ocean, doesn't care about holding her hand in front of the others. yoongi is so sweet and kind; cooks her dinner when she shows up at his house crying for whatever reason (it was jungkook- it’s always jungkook) and when she’s done he kisses the curry he made off of her lips and hands her a water saying playfully. “if you dont drink enough water you’ll run out of tears.” 

“Are you planning to make me cry min yoongi?”

“Only out of happiness hopefully.” 

and taehyung takes her to an amusement park in the middle of the night, so that it’s just them and a few people who follow to run the rides for them. he lets her take cute couple photos and always offers up his oversized jackets for her when she gets cold after riding a wet ride. and maybe she catches him staring at her translucent dress. lets him pull her into a corner of the amusement park and fuck her where anyone could hear or see. “are you sure yoongi could fuck you this good? or seokjin for that matter? don’t think i havent noticed the way he looks at you.” 

and jungkook- jungkook can’t say anything- because he always puts the others first. and namjoon- oh namjoon and you have an incredibly intellectual relationship. Staying up after you’ve all drank yourselves nearly to sleep, jimin curling up on the carpeted floor near you saying “dont walk home alone- wake me before you go and I’ll walk you.” jimin is always saying things like that to you. and getting all protective whenever one of their backup dancers or any other man at the company shows interest in her. 

you and namjoon talk about everything that night- philosophy- love- life- it comes so easy for you to talk with him. and when that night he confesses that he’s never fallen asleep in someone's arms you pat your shoulder and let him lie near you on the wide couch. your hand smoothing up and down his back. and when you wake up in the morning before everyone elce you pretend he hadn’t migrated near you enough that his cheek was up against your chest- and he pretends he doesn't want to record your heart beat and put it into a song so that he can have it to lul him to sleep always. meet up once every few weeks to go on walks together because you both share a love for nature. trips to gardens and parks that feel more like dates than anything.  

and hobi- hobi sees it all happening and tries to stay out of it. rationalizes it that there has to be someone to stay impartial and professional. but you end up becoming friends against his better judgement. you do your work in his studio because you like how he’s always playing music even if he’s not working on one of his own songs, and even then you have headphone and jhope watches you sway and bob your head to whatever you’re listening too. very few people have a sense for beat like you both do- and though you can’t dance- he can see the potential in it. he offers to teach you and you agree and of course you end up fucking in the practice room because hoseok just needed to show her how to move her hips right. 

only- yoongi hears the noises from the studio and goes to investigate, and he’d love it if he wasn’t hurt but he is. So he ignores her for a little while- because he wants to move on- he’s tired of being hurt by her. and then when she confronts him- somehow everyones there and jungkook misspeaks- says some pretty terrible shit that he immediately regrets and when she runs out of course jimn follows her. “jimin just leave” 

“no- not until i know you’re safe” she sighs but then gets angrier when he grabs her hand. 

“no- don’t- don’t do that”

 “do what?”

 “hold my hand unless you have any desire to keep me- to actually love me- then you don’t get to hold my hand” and they walk- jimin grabs her hand and she just sighs- so tired of being pulled 7 different directions. thinks jimin is just interested in sleeping with her- but he’s not- he just wants to love her. 

things get even worse when she and yoongi makeup- decide to try and stay friends, and then jungkook confesses to her and turns the whole thing upside down and someone sees her and namjoon out walking, his arm around her shoulders and suddenly dating rumors are floating around everywhere. and fuck- they’re all fighting. jungkook grabbing her arm “she was my friend first” 

“yeah but i was the one who was romantically interested in her” 

“guess again” 

“that doesn't count seokjin hyung- you guys just slept together that's not love” and before any of them have a chance to settle it out she speaks above all of them (maybe picking up a glass and dropping it to get them all to pay attention to her. “maybe if you stoped and wondered what it was that i wanted you all wouldn’t be pricks right now” and then she just- walks out. dodges their calls- ignores every message. until namjoon turns up at her door and asks her to come see them. everyone nervous before jungkook swallows. looking at her with shining eyes, the face of her first love. “we’ve decided, if you’re okay with it, then we think we can share.” 

(PSA; this fic idea is not free to use!)

[agent-cupcake]

yuri with yandere prompt number eight? i feel like thats the most accurate for him

This ask is old but I’m never gonna quit these yandere prompts. Try and stop me. (aka, here’s 5k of unhealthy pining and Yuri “I want to confess my love but I don’t feel like I deserve you” Leclerc)

//

A sharp, frightened gasp was what pulled you awake. Terror gripped your thoughts as a memory overrode all rational thought —the scent of tread packed filth and chalky, tangy, sharp stone filling your nose with each shallow, bloody, gasping breath. Cold, cutting gravel scraping against your cheek, your scalp, the sharp pebbles embedded into your skin with the force with which you had hit the ground. You couldn’t move, couldn’t fight your collapsed chest into expanding for air to fill your lungs. Escape, you had to escape, that was the only real, solid understanding in your dazed brain as you struggled against the blankets.

But then you blinked a few times, your eyes rolling as you focused them, and realized that was nothing more than a dream. You were safe. Sore, uncomfortable, in an unfamiliar bed and wearing unfamiliar clothes, but safe. And confused, still entangled in the cotton fog of unconsciousness.

You had been… Where had you been? Your head was foggy, your thoughts blurry, almost enough to convince you that you were dreaming. If only you weren’t so uncomfortable. Something was wrong, more than just being sick. There had been… Blood? Pain?

Agony. A blunt, overwhelming ache that had slammed against the entire right side of your body when you hit the ground. A whine had escaped your mouth alongside a glob of bloody saliva. The pain was all-consuming. You could remember that in the same second the pain registered so did the panic of knowing that you were going to be sick right there on the street. Nausea had seized your stomach and you had been helpless to its violent, urgent, undulating undertow. Rocks cut into your palms as you wrenched yourself up to avoid choking as you sputtered and heaved and coughed out the acidic bile. When you blinked, your sight clearing from a dozen fragmented frames into a single dizzy, tear-blurred picture, all you saw was blood. Blood in the watery puddle on the ground, scarlet staining your side, oozing up between your fingers as you pressed a panicked hand against the slash across your ribs as if that would force the blood back where it belonged.  

But there was no blood now. No wounds to validate that terrible living nightmare.

Everything came flooding back into your mind as your thoughts cleared up. You remembered accepting Lev’s offer to ignore Yuri’s orders and perform a secretive strike on an opposing gang. You remembered going along with the plan and taking the dangerous role of getting everyone into the Vanargand base despite the risk. You remembered nearly died in the escape.

You remembered thinking that you were dead. In that moment of laying on the street in a puddle of your own blood, you had clung to the pathetic thought that you didn’t want to die. Even though you already had, you didn’t want to betray Yuri in this way, too. He didn’t want you involved in any of this, he did everything he could to keep you out of it. He promised your brother, he made a vow. But even that tragic, horrible thought had become cloudy as cold disseminated ice throughout your body, piercing all the way into the marrow of your bones and numbing your limbs, pulling you closer into the creeping void. That was the last of what you could remember.

Now, the only remaining evidence of your brush with death was the bruised shades of puce plum and rotten currant covering the entire right side of your body. Someone had used white magic to heal the direst of your wounds. Presumably, the same someone who had saved you. You were pretty sure you knew exactly who that someone was, too.

Your hero.

Yuri Leclerc with his violet eyes and smiling mouth and sweeping, dramatic cape who came to you after your brother’s death and told you of the promise he’d made as his boss and friend. Yuri Leclerc, the nearly mythical Underground Lord, the unaging Savage Mockingbird. Your hero, your knight in armor of shadow and subterfuge. He promised that he would protect you. And he had saved you. Again.

With a soft groan, you turned from laying on your back to your mostly uninjured left side. The bed was comfortable enough, better than your own. The room was smaller than yours, however, easily lit up by just a single lamp. By all standards, it was far from lavish, but you were covered in a thick comforter with two pillows plumped beneath your head. The four-poster frame was made of an attractively dark solid wood that matched the bedside table, writing desk, and chair. It looked an awful lot like the impersonal room of an inn, although there were clear signs that someone lived in here. Books and paper and feather pens were stacked on the desk, a glass rainbow of bottles lined up on the shelf above, a colorful swath of clothes on the rack.

Most telling was the way that the room, the bedding, and the clothes you wore all smelled like Yuri. An intoxicating embrace of spring rose and lilac, plush amber musk, and heady sweet vanilla. Achingly familiar, desirable, wonderful. Now it just made you sick. While the previous day’s actions could make a case for your intellectual deficiencies, it didn’t take a genius to figure out where you were. You groaned softly, closing your eyes.

Yuri was going to be mad. You had justified following Lev before by telling yourself that if the job went off without a hitch, Yuri would be so impressed with your skills that he would have no choice but to recognize you as a member of his gang and stop coddling you. Now you realized that it was and always had been an act of petty rebellion. Yuri would never respect your reckless disregard for his orders and your own life, not even if it had gone well.

Which it hadn’t. You had no idea what had gone wrong, you had performed your task without any problems, getting the small group of men into the compound without alerting any guards. Your brother had done well in teaching you to sneak around. But then there was complete and utter chaos and they all came running back as the compound was eaten up by flames, your so-called friends leaving you stranded on the top of the wall with a group of Vanargand men. So you jumped.

Even your vague recall of that particular agony made you wince, your stomach churning unhappily.

The sound of someone outside the door made your heart jump, your eyes instinctually closing to feign sleep. Maybe if you seemed like you were sleeping you could spare yourself a lecture. Or worse, his disappointment. The doorknob turned, the wood creaking, the metal hinges making the faintest squeak as they were pushed. You held your breath.

But nobody came in, stopping in response to the approaching sound of another, heavier set of footsteps. “Glad to see you back in one piece,” Yuri greeted whoever it was. With the door cracked the way it was, you could hear him quite clearly. His voice was friendly, matching the smile he must have been wearing, but it was sharp, too. You knew that tone, recognized the danger it hid. “I figured it would be you who led this little rebellion.”

“Rebellion?” Lev asked. “I acted for all of us. The Vanargand boys won’t be an issue anymore.”

Yuri laughed. Although the sound was oddly genuine, nobody could miss the fact that he was making fun of Lev. “You really believe that?” he asked, his voice lilting with disbelief.

Lev grunted, you could imagine his scowl. He scowled a lot. “If you knew what we did to them, you wouldn’t laugh.”

“All you did was kick the hornet’s nest,” Yuri said, unimpressed, “while ignoring my orders to standby.”

“I came here to tell you that I think things should change around here, I think-”

“I don’t actually care what you think,” Yuri said, cutting him off calmly. His tone was deadly smooth, dripping with the unique threat of his friendly malice. “I expect you to be out of here by the time the sun rises. That gives you, what, four hours? Plenty of time.”

“What?” Lev asked, his bravado faltering.

“Leave my city,” Yuri told him. “And pray that I never see you again.”

“You can’t kick me out,” Lev said. “Not after all I’ve done for you, for the gang.”

“No?” Yuri asked. “You directly disobeyed my orders and put my men at risk for the sake of your own ego. I’d say that’s a pretty good reason to lose any and all trust I ever had in you.”

“The Vanargand Street Gang have been a pain in the ass for too long,” Lev told him, his tone growing combative. “I decided to do something about it.”

“I had them under control,” Yuri said. “without stooping to such boorish and dangerous methods.”

Lev responded with a mocking bark of a laugh. “Nah, this is about the girl, isn’t it? You should know that she all but begged me to take her along. If you wanna talk about trust, maybe consider why your precious little pet would disobey you.”

You froze, a cold, nervous sweat beading up at the nape of your neck, anxious nausea once again closing in your throat. Either unfortunately or fortunately, Yuri breezed right past that comment as if it didn’t affect him in the slightest. “This has nothing to do with her,” Yuri said without missing a beat. “If you don’t think I’m a fit leader, challenge my authority directly. But I’m warning you. Think carefully about what you do next. Right now, I’m relieved enough that nobody was seriously hurt by your incompetence that I’m willing to let you go with nothing more than a warning.” His voice lowered dangerously, forcing you to strain slightly to make it out. There was no playful teasing injected into these words, no way to interpret them as anything other than naked intimidation. “Don’t mistake my benevolence for weakness, you won’t live to regret it.”

A long moment of tense silence passed between the two men. You could imagine Lev’s storming rage, Yuri’s cool demeanor. You didn’t dare move, afraid that either would hear and unsure which was worse. The moment was broken only by another set of thumping, rhythmic footsteps cresting up the stairs. There was only one man who could possibly make that much noise.

“I heard shouting. I’m not missing the party, am I?” Balthus asked. While there was nothing directly antagonistic about the man’s voice, there was no mistaking the threat he posed. There was a reason he was Yuri’s right-hand man.

“No,” Yuri said. “Lev and I are simply having a… Disagreement.”

“Oh yeah?” Balthus asked. “Anything I should weigh in on?”

“That depends,” Yuri said. “What do you say, Lev?”

“Damn you, Leclerc.”

“Haven’t you heard?” Yuri asked, a hint of a smile in his voice. “I’m already damned.”

There was another moment of silence, almost long enough to make you wonder if the trio had somehow disappeared, before Lev swore under his breath and retreated past Yuri and Balthus, his feet pounding a cadenced thump, thump, thump as he stalked down the stairs.

“Balthus,” Yuri said when Lev’s footsteps were completely lost. “Would you mind making sure our friend makes it out of the city without doing anything reckless?”

“Think he might?” Balthus asked.

“Honestly, I’m not sure,” Yuri responded, his voice was more honest than with Lev. He sounded tired. “I sure as hell didn’t think he would make a move like this just yet.”

“I’ll keep an eye on him.” Balthus paused. “What, uh, should I do if he tries anything?”

“Take him to the Vanargand. I’m sure they’ll be hunting him down regardless.”

Balthus whistled. “That’s pretty cold, boss.”

“It’s far better than he deserves,” Yuri said, his voice dark. “If she died, I…”

“No need to explain. I get it, pal,” Balthus said, saving Yuri from having to continue. As badly as you didn’t want to know what Yuri was going to say, you very desperately did, too. “I’ll make sure he stays in line. You look like you could use some rest. Or a drink.”

Yuri laughed, the sound a bit lighter than before. “You might be right about that.”

“Of course I am,” Balthus said. “You don’t live as long as I have without catching wise to these things. I’ll be off, then.”

“Good luck,” Yuri said, “and don’t do anything stupid. There’s only so much I can handle in one night.”

“Hah!” Balthus called, trampling right back down the hallway. “That big brain of yours will burst into flames if you keep on worrying about everything, pal. Better call it quits before you ruin that cute face with wrinkles.” Yuri laughed.

Realizing that Balthus leaving would mean Yuri would finally enter the room, you threw the blankets off of yourself and sat up. It hurt like hell, it felt like every single inch of your body was bruised, right down to the bone, but it was doable after the sickening dizziness passed.

You didn’t particularly want to get up, but you didn’t want to stick around and have the conversion you knew Yuri would start, either.

The way Yuri worried made your chest clench. You didn’t dare name it discomfort, but the feeling was awfully close. It was Yuri’s growing intensity that you noticed first. The way he’d get when other men got too close to you, the pointed questions he’d ask about your interactions with other people. How he worried when you had to travel or interact with people he didn’t trust, insisting that you tell him every single detail about what you were doing. Worse, the times when he seemed to know things he shouldn’t, things you didn’t tell him.

It was because of the promise he had made to your brother, he said, to keep you safe. Yuri valued the men under his command, and your brother had been a close comrade of his. And you bought it at first because your brother had always been protective, but Yuri’s behavior was different. He wasn’t your brother, but neither did you get the impression you were friends. Friends weren’t suffocatingly overprotective. Not friends, but not anything more, either. He never flirted with you as he did with everybody else, as he had before. Not even in a playful, teasing way. The tighter hold he kept on you, the more and more he maintained a distance.

Lev called you Yuri’s precious pet, and that struck too close to home. You hated it. You weren’t a child —you weren’t even a teenager anymore— and yet Yuri acted like you were made of glass. Like you couldn’t be trusted to look after yourself, like you were… Like you were a pet.

That’s why you had agreed to Lev’s job in the first. You wanted to change the dynamic the two of you had. You figured that if he saw that you weren’t as weak as he feared, that you were just as capable as the men in his gang, that he’d stop being so intensely and oppressively protective. But if he was willing to give Lev up to the torture the Vanargand gang would inflict on him for the sin of endangering you, you didn’t think it had been at all effective. Actually, it made sense that your near-death and horrible failure would have the opposite effect.

Steading yourself, you searched the room for your shoes. Someone, and you didn’t dare to think of who, had changed you into what you were pretty sure were Yuri’s clothes. While it made sense considering your own were probably nothing more than blood soaked rags, you weren’t incredibly comfortable with wearing his things. The smell alone was nearly overwhelming, but the level of intimacy it implied was something you didn’t dare consider. Even worse that you should wake up in his bed. His bed that was obviously big enough for two people, a bed that he had probably had company in because he was attractive and desirable and… And you couldn’t find your shoes.

“What are you doing?” Yuri asked. The door shut behind him, the metal latch clicking.

It occurred to you that while you’d been having a micro-meltdown, Yuri had probably been standing there watching.

“Leaving,” you responded, trying to maintain a neutral expression despite the way your voice cracked. That brave attempt fell apart with the way you burst into a coughing fit a moment later, hacking up sharp bursts of air against your scratched up throat, each breath sending aching pulses of pain against your bruised side.

“Don’t strain yourself,” Yuri scolded, rushing to the bedside table to pour you some water. So considerate, always. Guilt rose up within you. After he saved you, how could you be so rude and ungrateful? You knew he cared. He was your hero.

You averted your streaming eyes and took a few slow, careful sips from the cup as Yuri took a seat on the desk chair, sitting the wrong way with his arms draped over the chair’s back.

“Drink this, too,” he said, handing you a vial. You uncapped it to take a sniff it, wincing at the astringent scent.

“What is it?” you asked.

“It’ll help with the pain,” he said. You nodded, grateful for the idea of that, and pinched your nose to down the vial. It was exactly as disgusting as it smelled. At the very least, it wiped the smell of Yuri from your head for a spell. “You should lay back down,” he recommended. “Magic can only do so much to heal your wounds. Not to mention that you’ve had a hell of a shock. Honestly, after what happened, I’m surprised you managed to get upright. You’re full of surprises tonight, aren’t you?”

The implication, the reminder of what you’d done in such a banal tone, made you wince. Guilt or shame or embarrassment, you didn’t know. “I’m fine,” you said, staring at the floor rather than meet his eyes.

“It’s cute that you can say that with a straight face,” Yuri said. “Seriously, you look terrible.”

“Thanks,” you mumbled sarcastically, an instinctually petulant reaction to the way he treated you, “But I really am capable of taking care of myself.”

He didn’t even grace that with a serious answer, rolling his eyes. “Obviously.”

“I can’t stay here,” you said.

“You can,” Yuri told you, “and you will. You’ve lost a lot of blood and I don’t need a dead body on my doorstep. It’s bad for business.”

“Where will you sleep?”

“Don’t worry about that,” Yuri said. You met his eyes, frowning as you tried to figure out what he was thinking, what he was feeling. He sighed, likely reading the further arguments you were going to make in the way you looked at him. “I’ve had a long night dealing with your mess. Stop being a fool and do what I say.” “Or what?” you muttered, looking away again as you fought against the guilt. He didn’t own you, you weren’t even one of his men. He couldn’t order you around.

“Or I’ll make you,” Yuri said bluntly. “I doubt that’ll pleasant for either of us.”

That answer sent a shiver down your spine, whatever complaints you had been trying to maintain drying up on your tongue because you kind of believed him. His cold, cruel tone of voice when dealing with Lev was still all too clear in your mind. Besides, he was right. He was usually right. That didn’t help the terrible sensation of being treated like a child, like an invalid.

Avoiding his eyes, you set aside your cup and did what he said, tucking your feet back under the covers, leaning down against the pillows. It was a lot easier on your aching side, better for the splitting headache gathered up behind your right temple.

“Did you save me?” you asked after a moment, staring at the quilted pattern.

“Yeah,” Yuri responded, his voice unreadable.

“And you healed me?”

“What do you think?”

It had been a dumb question. You couldn’t imagine Yuri letting anyone else see that much of your bare skin to heal those wounds. All the same. “You don’t have to be rude, I was just clarifying,” you told him with a frown.

“Right, right, sorry. I just about forgot myself,” Yuri said, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “What I meant was that I was the one who rushed to your rescue and healed your wounds, fair maiden. Is that better?”

You frowned, refusing to be amused by his antics. Despite the joking tone Yuri took, those words set you on edge. He hardly ever teased you like that anymore, now it just felt off. “Who changed my clothes?”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Yuri asked. Was there amusement in his tone? At your embarrassment? You could feel that your cheeks were hot and hoped desperately that he couldn’t tell. “Well,” he shrugged apologetically, “it’s not like I had much of a choice and I couldn’t put you to bed in dirty clothes…” Yuri looked up to meet your horrified eyes, smiling. “Kidding. I do have some honor. I asked the landlady to help me out. Your virtue is intact.”

Virtue. You swallowed hard on that word, drinking the last of the water. Your thoughts were beginning to fuzz, becoming less clear. It made it harder to refocus after being caught off guard by his teasing. The pain wasn’t as crisp, more of a background ache rather than an insistent thud. That was distracting, too. You knew that, for some reason, he wanted to fluster you. But you couldn’t let him distract you, nor could you let your embarrassment deter you. So, clenching your fists, you looked up and met his eyes.

“Thank you for saving me,” you said carefully. “I’m… I’m sorry for inconveniencing you.”

Yuri didn’t answer right away, staring you down in his unnervingly piercing way. The intensity of his eyes was uncomfortable, but it was undercut with the swirling storm of concern amidst the individual strands of purple pigment, the void-like pool of pupil. “I’m glad you’re alive,” he said carefully. And that was honest, genuine. He looked so tired. He sounded tired.

“I owe you. Twice, for saving me and healing me,” you said, forcing the words out in as business-like of a tone as you could manage. They were slurred, slightly. Had he given you a sedative? Or was this just normal exhaustion finally taking you out? “So tell me how you would like to be repaid, and I’ll see that it’s done.”

Yuri’s head fell to the side in confusion, like the question threw him off guard. Good. “Excuse me, what?”

“That’s how it is in your world,” you replied. “Our world. Right?”

“Our world?” Yuri asked, his expression retreating into a mask.

“The real world. Altruism doesn’t exist. When someone does something for you, there’s always a price. If I want to be taken seriously, I can’t keep being naïve about that.”

“That’s pretty cynical of you.” Was it just you or did he sound sad about that fact?

“You taught me well.”

“Not well enough,” he said, frowning as his eyes lingered on the bruises. He sighed. “So, I take it that that’s why you went? You want to be taken seriously?”

“Yes,” you said slowly, surprised that he’d be able to cut to the heart of it so quickly. Then again, it shouldn’t have been that surprising. Yuri was all too good at that.

“Word to the wise,” Yuri told you. “Never act unless success is guaranteed. If you want to be taken seriously, you have to have results to show for it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” you said.

“And another thing,” Yuri added. “Never give out open ended favors. Not even to people you trust. You might not like it when they call to collect.”

“But I know you wouldn’t want anything bad from me,” you said, frowning and unsure if he was implying what you thought he was. He couldn’t be, not Yuri. Not to you.

“Is that a fact?” he asked. “I could be helping you simply to get one of those incredibly enticing open favors. Now I’ve got two of them, I wonder what I could ask for…”

“I’m being serious,” you said.

“You think I’m not?” Yuri smiled at you like he knew all the secrets in the world, like you’d never catch him without the trickster’s mask or even guess at what he had hidden beneath. But then your reply was eaten by a mostly stifled yawn that tugged hard at your sore jaw and all pretense fell away to the concerned expression you knew so well from him. “Alright, enough of that. You look like you’re about to pass out. Get some sleep. I’ll watch over you, yeah?” he offered, flipping the chair around so he could sit directly at the bedside.

You couldn’t argue with that, yawning again. It hit you all at once, it seemed. You were passing out, the need for sleep becoming more and more pressing with each breath. “Next time,” you told him, your words slurring like a drunk as you settled further down into the bed. Your body felt so heavy, the colors of the room smoothing out like butter, the smell that clung to the bedding and the clothes filling you with warmth. “Next time for sure, I’ll show you. Then I won’t owe you-” you yawned, again. This time you just gave up. He definitely had given you a sedative. Unfortunately, you were too far gone to be mad. Sleeping would be nice anyway. You were so tired.

“There won’t be a next time,” Yuri told you. There was something absolute in his tone, a hard edge that wasn’t to be questioned.

“Why?” you asked, trying to clench your fists to remain lucid for a moment longer. This question was important, important enough for you to fight against your heavy and scattered thoughts. “Why do you care... so much?”

“I don’t know,” Yuri said, his voice threadbare and exposed. He really looked so tired, so beautiful. He had more masks than anyone, but right then you didn’t think that it was a mask.

He didn’t know either.

Where did that leave you?

Floating, it seemed. Lavender and milk and shadow blurred in your vision, the colors of Yuri. Your eyes fluttered shut, filled with a kaleidoscope of him. The pain was gone, you couldn’t even find the passion to argue or to be mad or afraid or upset. It was enough to be safe, to be with him, to be warm.

Tomorrow, then. Tomorrow you would get answers.

“You remind me of something I lost a long time ago,” Yuri said after a moment. It would have been too much to open your eyes or respond, so you just listened, marveling at the way his voice created the words, the way it caressed them. Had you really never noticed how delicious his voice was? You could lose yourself in it, you thought. “Something even I can’t steal for myself,” Yuri continued, “something more precious than a Heroes Relic. As long as I can preserve that, I can live with the consequences.”

You didn’t fight when he grabbed your hand from where it had fallen on the comforter, pulling it up into both of his. Yuri’s hands were rough, his fingers narrow and long and nice. They were scarred and bloodstained. They held yours gently, tenderly.

“Heh, maybe I’m a coward to tell you now. I doubt you’ll remember this by tomorrow.”

“I’ll remember,” you mumbled mindlessly, your eyes remaining closed. How could you forget this warmth? The beauty of the colors in your head, the feeling of his touch.

Yuri pressed his cheek against your hand. The skin was soft, warm. “Maybe you will. You certainly deserve my honesty. But after tonight... Maybe it’s too late to anyway. I tried so hard to protect you, even from myself.” He laughed, a humorless puff of air against your knuckles. “Especially from myself. Sometimes I can’t help but think that it’s inevitable that everything and everyone who becomes close to me will be stained by the association. I didn’t want to see that shine in your eyes become dull. This cruel, cynical world destroys everything of value, but not you.” He paused, thinking. You drifted, the words rolling over you without sticking, without meaning. His voice was so lovely. “But you’re wrong, you know,” Yuri continued after a while, pulling you back. “Things done out of love don’t have a price. You don’t owe me anything, you never have.”

Yuri’s lips brushed over your knuckles, a kiss over each ridge, before one of his hands untangled itself. You leaned into the feeling of his calloused fingertips on your warm cheek, pushing your hair out of the way as they caressed your face. Even in your vague stupor, the touch was enough to make your eyes open. Half-lidded, your sight hazy. Yuri glowed in the candlelight.

A smile tugged at the corner of his pink lips, a melancholic expression. So sad. Did he always look so sad? So beautiful? It made your heart ache, a hollow, faraway feeling.

“Hey,” he said, meeting your eyes. You attempted a smile in return, a dozing, drunken, delirious smile. “If I told you tomorrow that I loved you, would you take me as I am?” You hummed. A yes, maybe, no. He was still stroking your face, holding your hand. You couldn’t recall the last time you’d been touched like this. Not since you were a child, you didn’t think. So nice, so soft. “That’s the problem, I don’t know. And I… I don’t act unless victory is assured. If I make a move and lose you for good…” He squeezed your hand, his eyes closing. “I don’t want to lose you. Not to the whims of the cruel world and not by corrupting you with my black heart.” Your eyes closed again, his words becoming lost in your fascination with his voice. Yuri’s fingers left your cheek, returning to wrap around your hand. “Even if can never have you,” he said, a soft resolution in his voice, “it’ll be okay as long as you’re safe. And I know that you’ll be safe as long as you stay with me.”

[1111jenx]

Submit your chart #submitjenx

@thegeminigod :

"What do you think of my chart?

Ps. I hope you're doing well and your blog is really fun to read!"

@saintzjenx :

Hey there!

First of all, I'm doing extremely well and I hope that you're having a good time too! Also, thank you for trusting me with your chart! To me this is something so personal and I'm glad you're happy to submit yours❤️ Let's get right into it!

Ascendant in Libra, 14 degree (Taurus): I honestly think we'd be bestfriends! I love loveeeeee this for you as I'm a simp for Venusians! You have libra rising(venus) in taurus degrees(venus) hence you must come off to the physical world as someone who's very aesthetically balanced, i'd say you're more opinionated than the usual libra rising for sure! very concern with your material stability and possession and well as the "self"! However, once we look deeper into your chart, I can tell that you're actually not at all superficial of self-centered as most people would perceive libra risings❤️ sun trine asc=your ego aligned with your presentation of self! this is so great and i think it can rly help to boost your intellectualism and approachable nature!

Sun in Gemini (9H): You're curious by nature and probably has a deep need to learn and gain more knowledge! I can honestly see you as someone who may be a bit quiet when first meeting people but quickly shows your quirky, innovative side once you're comfortable:)

Moon in Scorpio (2H): You need to be happy with yourself professionally or you need to be financially stable to remain happy don't you? I feel like just winging things may not be your style! Especially with that calculating Pluto energy and 2H influence. It's okay to take chances sometimes! Don't be afraid to open up more to people! Scorpio moon once learn how let go of grudges will become soooo powerful! Trust me on this:)

Mercury in Taurus (8H): I love this!!! This makes just shows me how contradicting and conflicting you can be. Yet I believe thats what makes you so human in a way! Your need to possess and resistance to changes are wayyyy too obvious love haha! However, your ability to think critically is unmatched and people must be really drawn to hear you speak, even though sometimes you can suffer from detaching emotions and rationality! Just know that it's 100% normal and I'm sure you can find the middle ground for your more passionate side and your intellect side!

Emphasis on the 10H,9H,8H: These houses talk a lot about your relationships with people and relationships to the public as a whole! I enjoy this dynamic as I can see how at the end of the day, despite being very stubborn when it comes to certain values and thing(iykyk), you'd always be open to learn and adapt!!! You have the ability expand and grow beyond your imagination:)

Few things I wanna note down for ya: be aware of your controlling behaviour when dealing with personal relationships! Your heart is bigger than people think and I can see how you're afraid of obsession or being addicted to love, but you know that deep down you need that intensity and stability to a degree in your life! I see a lot of harsh aspects to pluto here so I wanna give you a big big hug! You're seen and valued queen! Speak up more, especially about your feelings and don't be afraid to cut someone off when they become too toxic for you.

love,

saint jenx🥀

[karamazovdmitri]

Ive noticed people seem to admire ivan a lot and when they say “oh i relate to him” its their inner desire to find themselves in him somehow, to have his depth and complex world.

Remember in the beginning of the book ivan was more passive and wasnt introduced like the other two brothers were. He was the typical smart guy whos edgy and serious and all. And thats it until later on in the book. “See, i dont seem like much neither however i am complex like he is too. I am more than what i seem to be/what people give me credit for.”

But he is actually the hardest person to relate to. Like sure you can support his opinions and all, but ive seen people who say “oh im just like ivan” and arent but hes who they want to be. Its very interesting. He is really unique.

Also he deserved much better than katya

hey anon first of all thank you for the ask!! second of all............ im gonna say it from the get-go, im not sure im entirely with you here but lets talk.

so first of all, i definitely agree that ivan is the most lowkey of the brothers when first introduced, ive talked about that before and ive also joked about dostoevsky perfectly illustrating middle child syndrome there lmao so im on board with you, not the biggest impression at first, but he comes back and makes up for it big time in my opinion (ive said it before but despite him not being my favorite character, a lot of my favorite chapters of the book are ivan-centric ones) and i have to say... i cant bring myself to agree with the portrait you paint of him. sure i have called him edgy and whatnot before, and joke about it, but to me its more of a persona, an image? he might look smart and edgy, but i think once you’ve gone through pro and contra, it’s really hard to still pin him down as that. he’s not being your typical idk reddit atheist or whatever, im not gonna get into that specifically but returning the ticket etc etc, he has some fundamental moral disagreements that make him imo, the opposite of edgy. one of his big arguments is that if suffering is necessary thats one thing, but why have children be a part in it? he goes on so much about how its unacceptable for him that children must suffer, that they are not only allowed to suffer, but that they have to, and you know how it goes theres more than one chapter centering around that. and like to me, someone who cares so deeply about something like that i just cant in 100% good faith call edgy. there’s also the quote where he talks about how the sticky little leaves and the blue sky are so dear to him, and he literally says “i will be drunk with my own tenderness” and i just think.... if after that chapter you still think of ivan as a cold, serious, edgelord type, you really should reread it, because ivan is so deeply caring and human, and i think book V really is the turning point in showing us that. ANYWAY lmao that went on a bit longer than planned but i just believe that like... it’s really easy to misread ivan, while after all he is simply 23 years old and confused and desperately searching for answers, and answers that will stand his moral test. unlike his brother, he can’t just thrive off faith, despite the fact that personally i feel like he wishes he could, but that’s where you get more of the “rational” mind feel to him, but that doesnt make him all edge and no point.

as for if he’s easy or not to relate to..... personally i cannot dictate that. ive said lately that being 23 myself, the passages on youth and youth carrying you through everything but feeling like it might all come crashing down in your thirties is extremely relatable to me. as someone who has some gripes with my own faith, some of his questionings are very relatable. and people can relate to his personality too, personally i do not as much, and being the first born of 3 siblings, i cannot relate to the middle child thing he has going on either, but im sure some people can. there’s many ways to relate to a character. that being said i do agree that maybe some people say theyre just like him while they want to be like him, im not doubting that this exists so yeah i’ll give that to you, but i dont think its necessarily bad. i think you can be like Oh i relate to his mindset, to this situation of his, and kinda. hope to absorb through osmosis what he does lmao

anyway not to drag this on forever, but at the end of the day i just think, ivan is SO much more than just an intellectual with his complex little opinion. just like his brothers, he has scars from a tumultuous childhood and the thing that plagues them all, which is: are you doomed to be a karamazov, is there no escape to it? he might seem externally more stable, but i think the more the book goes on the clearer it gets. ivan is not an entirely rational being, he IS very complex and deep for sure, and to me he’s also deeply human, with questions that i think a lot of people found themselves asking as well, and yeah idk how somehow along the way this became the Defending Ivan Karamazov Manifesto lmao but as i say.... just because i dont personally mention him as often as the other two, i still have so much deep love for him. also as for your last statement i honestly wont get into it because thats kinda besides the point and im still finding myself picking at ivan and katya’s relationship in each of my rereads i will say that it is a fascinating one to me though

SO? sorry i went on for SO LONG lmao i didnt plan on to but here we are, and i just want to say, this is really not to be read with a hostile tone or anything i think everyone can have their interpretation of the character but personally i just find it a little reductive to say he has nothing going on for him (”thats it”) while he has some of the most memorable and thought-inducing chapters imo, but yeah if i didnt scare you away youre always free to come back i just love discussing that book!!! and thank u again for the ask it was nice to get to talk about ivan for once lmao

[astrologysvt]

Woozi’s Ideal Type - Natal Chart Reading

For more SVT astrology posts, follow my blog! For more posts like this, check out my masterlist as I’ll be doing an in-depth ideal type post for each member!

For ideal types, I’m not going to be doing specific placements of their ideal partner. Instead, I’m gonna be listing personality traits I think would mesh well with them, as well as focus on their needs and the kind of person who could meet them. Keep in mind these are almost “perfect” descriptions of their ideal types based off their natal charts. I promise you that there is no one in the world that 100% fits these descriptions and thats where communication and compromise come in and all that fun stuff. 

(Woozi could definitely be a Sag Sun and who knows I may change my mind, but rn I think he’s a scorpio sun. This interpretation doesn’t change much based on his sun as both Scorpio and Sag suns are both independent and desire authentic experiences as romantic partners).

someone fun (fire influence).

someone creative, outgoing, and independent.

interests should be similar as he’d want to connect with someone over his passions, and would want to share in his excitement.

charming, intelligent, rational, communicative (libra venus) 

ambitious, adventurous, open-minded, optimistic (sag mercury).

independent, independent, independent. I cannot say it enough. Literally every single part of his chart indicates that he needs SPACE and FREEDOM and would want that for his partner as well. 

in my experience, even though scorpios don’t want to admit it, they LOVE validation and they love attention (not in the “asking for permission” type of validation, but they like to have their competence acknowledged). 

and although an aries moon may not rely as much on validation as a scorpio sun may, they still love attention.

he’s going to want to be with someone who makes him feel good about himself. 

he’s not immune to a great pep talk or a little bit of sincere flattery, and his s/o should be someone whose very generous in their communicating of this.

(even though he may say it makes him uncomfortable. he loves it and I promise he wants it acknowledged). 

for that reason as well, he’s going to want to be with someone who encourages and challenges him and has a ready and waiting ear for his ideas, concerns, and random thoughts. 

great sense of humor, super super funny (maybe a bit on the sarcastic side) thanks to his sag mercury.

his aries moon also makes him very playful making him crave a youthful and free relationship with his partner.

i’ve noticed aries placements love a kind of “kindred” silliness. 

They like being with someone who will meet their ridiculousness halfway.

(also all fire placements love arguing with their significant other over dumb things. this is a fact). 

his fiery placements would get very bored with someone who took themselves too seriously. 

not to mention his sag influence makes him extremely optimistic so he’d feel bogged down my someone ultra realistic/practical/pessimistic. 

he wants to get excited about life and his life with his s/o. they should be equally excited and hopeful for their future together. 

they should offer him a very sincere and simple emotional connection as his aries moon and scorpio sun sextile uranus and pluto would want authenticity and would be very quick to suss out shallowness. 

not to mention an aries moon can make him incredibly straight forward, while scorpio/sag placements give him a sense of him being a no-nonsense, straight forward guy. 

he is fiercely independent thanks to his scorpio sun and aries moon, but his libra venus makes him crave romance.

once he’s set his eyes on someone, that’s all he’ll be thinking about. 

like picking-petals-off-lowers, head-over-heels kind of love.

not to mention a scorpio sun would add a super strong tendency towards obsessive habits in love? maybe not in a creepy way like it sounds, but it’d seep into everything he did. the members would probs get annoyed cuz he’ll find a way to talk about his s/o whenever he can, all of his songs will be about them, etc. etc. 

the libra venus really softens every other part of his chart that makes him seem indifferent. 

it also explains why so many of his songs focus on love, but not just superficial love. like, the more nuanced parts of love and break ups. it goes to show how deeply he’s thought about it and how naturally romantic he is.

it’d also explain why he once said during a fansign that he wrote home because he was lonely (brb gotta cry) this is his libra venus being hyper aware of the space he’s saving for someone. 

due to his afflicted moon he’s going to seem cold and distant in the relationship from the outside but he is ACTUALLY the fuzziest boy.

his afflicted aries moon and (unafflicted) libra venus would give him a clumsy, awkward, yet incredibly thoughtful and sincere way of expressing love.

maybe not the king of grand gestures, but his moments will be incredibly sincere and observant.

they’d be moments where his s/o would be surprised he noticed, or didn’t even realize he had been having such sweet and deep thoughts.

it’ll take his s/o by surprise because he keeps his feelings and thoughts close to his chest due to his secretive and private scorpio sun, but he will a-matter-of-factly state them when the moment arises thanks to his scorpio, aries, and sag placements that, again, make him a no-nonsense guy on all fronts. 

His afflicted moon and well aspected saturn means that he struggles with emotional freedom and expression while also being incredibly disciplined.

he’d want someone with self-control and goals.

this is also heighten by his virgo mars which makes him both disciplined, a perfectionist, and pretty set in his ways (ya, I know virgo is a mutable sign but have you ever actually met a virgo. you try and get them to eat a piece of toast slightly too toasted for them and it shuts down their core processing). 

not only that, but virgos like security. 

they like predictability and have very specific preferences that will personally offend them if violated so his s/o should be both understanding and compatible with him on these fronts. 

like it may be a deal-breaker if their lifestyles were too different once the initial romance tames and they have to learn to coexist.

this is further emphasized by the fact that virgo is the sign of health, lifestyle & wellbeing. they value this and can tend to be rather inflexible on this front.

his outer planets are all very well aspected to his personal planets, specifically uranus and saturn.

meaning that he’s not only independent, unique, and goal-oriented, but he’s going to want to see the same in his partner.

his trajectory is forward. he is a visionary in the sense of having a great deal of creativity and the work-ethic to see his visions through, and if his partner is someone too focused in the moment and far too preoccupied with getting him to settle down, their paths are simply incompatible.

it really just emphasizes how independent and individualistic he is as a person. 

his libra venus definitely softens this and can certainly make him a hopeless romantic, but his core values would make it that he would never allow himself to be too dependent on his partner. 

he wants to be his own person before he enters a relationship, and he’d be very adverse to dating someone whose life and goals centered too solely on romance/relationships. 

his saturn aspects, afflicted moon, along with a virgo mars mean that he is someone who both struggles with, and desires a kind of “liberation” from time to time. 

his s/o should be fun and free and help him forget about the aspects of himself that may be overly self-conscious in certain moments. teach him how to be reckless every now and again while also keeping him on track with his own goals. they shouldn’t be tooo wild, lmao. 

Let’s not forget a saturn in aries which is gonna inhibit his ability to be open and expressive as a need for composure and control is incredibly strong, while simultaneously making him rather flighty with commitment and attention. 

his need for action and ability to express and process negative feelings like anger are inhibited and go through an confusing filter of being hot-headed and impulsive, to overly critical and cautious which can lead to him appearing cold and short.

his partner should be patient and empathetic enough to help him through these situations, but also understand that him needing space doesn’t reflect his feelings towards his partner.

as passionate and good-humored he’d want his partner to be, a big turn off would be someone who is too expressive and too intense to the point of lacking tact. He’d need someone with self-control, but also someone persistent and committed in order to balance out the aries part of his aries saturn when it decides to act up as it can make him flighty from time to time. 

this is heightened by his virgo mars, which can make him very set in his ways and pushing him out of his comfort zones when he’s clearly not interested in challenging those comfort zones is only going to freak him out or irritate him. 

trying to breach these will put him on edge, and will more likely push him away than anything else. 

not only that, but it’d probably freak him out as it would paint you as someone who wouldn’t know how to give him space.

(literally @ soonyoung).

sounds contradictory but it’s not much more complicated than just encouraging him by example, not by coercion. 

in general, he’s looking for someone who can both balance him out and challenge him. 

his s/o should be fun, independent, and goal-oriented. 

someone charming with a flare for dramatics here and there, but ultimately someone poised he can be proud of who he can look on with with respect and admiration and who’d think the same of him. 

someone communicative and ultra-creative, i can see him loving being able to pick up random interests with his s/o that they can discuss and collaborate on. 

he greatly desires intellectual companionship paired with a great deal of independence: ideally, he’d want a relationship where their goals are similar and they can encourage, help, and be a place of healing and rejuvenation to one another while making each other laugh along the way.

[myhaikyuuthings]

Matchup (+ nsfw)? I'm competitive, sadistic, mature, sarcastic, intellectual and a perfectionist. Assertive yet reasonable. It takes awhile to gain my trust, loyalty and respect. Calm, openminded and rational but also confrontational, cynical and blunt. I swear alot. I enjoy intelligent, witty, offensive humor. I prefer brain-stimulating activities but some sports are fun. I love music, animals, fangirling, horror, gore, mystery, art, history, languages, baking, psychology, philosophy. Thanks!!

Match Up:

Tsukishima Kei- 

As I was reading your ask, he was the first person to pop into my head. 

The two of you probably got together because he made one of his smart ass comments and you were able to throw one back at him, it definitely caught his attention

i feel like you two are really similar in a lot of ways so it’s easy for him to know how to behave around you tbh

he’s not the type to trust or give respect/loyalty either, so in the same time he’s trying to gain yours, you would have to put just as much effort into gaining his - i think this would make your bond tighter, as well as deepen the level of respect you have for each other

he’s decently calm, but has a silver tongue when  he wants to so if the two of you ever fought it would be... messy to put it simply, it would end up being who would back down first rather than what you originally fought about

he’s pretty smart canonically, and we all know his humor isn’t exactly “nice”, he’d love that you laughed at his comments when others usually just get  mad at him

he likes volleyball but definitely the type to prefer music and talking about things that actually take some level of intellect

the two of you could spend hours talking about dinosaurs and history tbh

NSFW from here on

he’s a tease

he would intentionally do and say things to get you going, and then act like he did nothing at all, especially in public

dom leaning switch, so if you’re more submissive, talk back when he tells you to do something, it gets him fired up very fast

if you’re more dominant, he’ll fight you for dominance but that just makes it so much more thrilling for both of you

he’s pretty open minded in the bedroom himself, so if you’re wiling to try new things thats a plus, he very rarely says no to things you suggest either

Runner Up: Miya Atsumu 

[jrantehq4-blog]

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nut sat helli to privacy , ue #seNilaTites frike.stink, so lets get superficial and resonate a self center symphathy anticdote tu some random pop teack and see if they gather sime self respect or purge in their bhidizimal bloew whoppue, cheap Shots

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relTlate tu;!

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nut futder

fair enuff

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haVe a nice #dAy

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#kOSmOkRator, . anD being that said deniak of how irraTchitly vhenkie putrid ue are tu dalEMaIyne an '*aRe,/ *R,:;-78*èĀ93w1ATe3Pmn , #mETAtron not neCeSsarily an !;* #aRChaNgel/* done care fo4r uer neRf whiPpers, by pount of, no infinite esteem in yourselves, tu highligh a comment introspective before or after pasdage of a #cRaetour wher 'eXistance onfe was, or yoy o hace a plaCe or tine to.traffic hyperghligdyum, ir some gancy #ftench words, or, +!aNything, or ue want time off #qHaar lèy mAAtra tu considher uer bhi vie buERill, tu supponjaK a fanceh esOteric #iDea, yha, or theK, tu be it holding hand with clumphous hypokrat denwleirials in process if floud shikking your wonce was wgete uer beain left you in dhitch dhive and puddle, sQHish, tu blaMe it on uer firefrAnkforts or linnen isle at beLkig deLi near a konfekki lharringto #jACksndJive meal for less tHen none cH879gYhgÈGpfz)7-∆π[℅^¥©><\!-6"#2ghEyt fed levvy

[crisps-craft]

OMG I'm really shocked how everything you wrote is right and not even knowing my name

Btw i am tiffani :)

Sooo

"when i read your question,your soul just had a very magnetic vibe? even if you dont realize it, you are a very magnetic person and that draws people to you a lot."

I found this funny because there are a few days that a friend of mine told me the same thing

"your soul seems more introspective, reclusive, and analytical."

Yessss

"you seem like a reader / like you like books. this part might be off LOL but im getting "gifted kid burnout" energy. you might be an INTP type vibe haha. and im getting that the type of stuff you read is on the darker / more intense side- whether its philosophy, classics, psychology, etc. it just seems very heavy and intellectual type beat."

I consider myself an intp lol and about books... YESSS I love reading and yes I love sad books with heavy subjects because I feel they teach me things I might not experience but others do and I love classics too.

"you might be doubting your identity and self- you might lowkey have a bit of an identity crisis going on."

Thats true, i feel i have changed a lot, i am trying to fit my old version with the new one, or at least understand who i have become

"im getting the vibe that you arent youve been struggling to figure out where to direct your skills and what path to take. "

"you are getting pulled in so many directions yet you feel like you can't move / choose and like you are disconnected from these opportunities / potential."

Wow yeah, I'm trying to figure out what career to pursue, and feeling late because I don't know yet. I like a lot of things and it has confused me in which I would be happier/I would get along better.I feel like I can do it all but I can't do anything¿¿?

"you are more head than heart, you like to trust reason more. like you can understand emotions well, but you prefer to detach from them and deal with them through that sort of lens."

Yes, I rationalize my emotions a lot

" with the "spirits to guide you" card, they want to connect with you and help you on your path right now. they can see that you feel confused and maybe even a bit depressed. you feel like you are at a standstill- there are so many options yet... you feel like they are all disappearing or out of reach. "

"your guides want to guide you in a direction that enables you to feel more independent and comfortable in your own skin. they want you to trust in your instincts and stop doubting yourself right now. learn to trust your own judgement- you are very smart. you seem like a "voice of reason" and you base decisions and perspectives more on your head than your heart."

I've been feeling my guides with me, it's weird because I don't understand anything kkkkk and yes, I've been feeling sad and confused. About independence and comfort in my skin, independence for me is very important and I have been trying to love myself more, my body too, "my skin". I've really been doubting my ability to put things back together, believe in myself etc.

"your soul feels more like a procrastinator and a little bit messy hehe. but very smart !!

keep that in mind :)"

Ahaahahaah thats totally me, i feel like i am all over the place.thank you so much for saying that i am smart, its been something hard for me

whatever path / abilities you have, you have so much potential and you need to keep working with yourself and trust in your ability to create something great. im getting that vibe- like you have big dreams for yourself

Thanks for the words!!! I always dreamed of being a doctor but I never believed/believe that I can pass the test, so I have been thinking a lot if I try or go for a hobby, as I love reading, writing, gymnastics, yoga, computer science , cooking, nutrition, psychology... Like you said, a mess lol sorry for the big answer but you got it right too. I loved the way you interpret the cards

hi tiffani!

im so happy that the reading was accurate and could help! ive been trying to get back into readings lately and ive been doubting my abilities so i am glad to see that this was accurate!

as for your dreams, you should 100% pursue them and you are good enough! i heard this really good quote concerning how one's mastery over a study / occupation isnt just determined over their knowledge and competency of one field, but how MANY fields relate to such a field and connect (like a web) for example, psychology can relate to spirituality, philosophy, biology, current events, anthropology, etc. !!

so utilizing that could help! you mentioned enjoying reading and writing (which doctors need to be competent with) as well as cooking and nutrition (this is a big leg up and is useful knowledge in the health field) and psychology (this is a big one- there are a lot of doctors in the world who neglect psych in their studies and are more cookie cutter in their job - by utilizing health in the material (body) and immaterial (mind), you can balance the two which is key !!) not to mention computer science and the medical field go hand in hand

^^ those are just some thoughts haha. thats how i figured out what i wanted to pursue (im pursuing psychology !!) because i saw how all of my interests could create a web around psych! <3 im wishing you the best and happy new year!

[ithisatanytime]

by the way i know the historical context of that word which shalt never be uttered lest my soul be damned *spins three times counter clockwise doing a cross gesture over my heart*.  but that word is a powerful tool for dividing this country, i understand the rational for it being a special holy word set apart from all the others, i just think its obvious manipulative bullshit. because it is. racism in america is an intimidation tool used to control people, specifically white people, because they were formerly the dominant race in the west. we all know its a game, we all know it, there are rules, they dont make a whole lot of sense but we accept the rules and learn them early because the consequences for breaking the rules are life destroying, inside you can feel the factors at play, motivating certain behaviors, we know that we avoid saying certain things to spare other peoples feelings, this is normal, but there is much much more to it than that, when context doesnt matter at all, and the rules only apply to certain races, thats how you can tell its a tool to psychologically manipulate people, and we all know that it is. its not coming from black people, they are not the ones who pushed this from harvard and yale in the sixties, its a leftist jewish thing. it started with Freud and Boaz in the early nineteen hundereds, they did the work of demolishing all evidence based discussion of race, and diagnosing and attempting to treat “whiteness”. then in the fifties many intellectuals in academia wrote wildly popular books about how whites were natural fascists, even though the “Science” in those books was torn apart and shown to be a fucking sham, it planted the seed of original sin in peoples minds, around the same time the holocaust industry began in earnest, so that scientific  racism would be forever tied with murder. And don’t forget the movies,even now at least twice a year there is some race movie wagging its finger at whites for its racial sins, and more importantly fomenting indignation in  the hearts and minds of black americans. we know who owns the movie studios, you can find out yourself its publicly available information, i am explaining their motives. make no mistake about it, the united states is viewed as an oddity when it comes to race by the rest of the world, and no slavery does not explain that as every people on earth took slaves and many non western companies own slaves to this very day. it was the influence of a certain group, and that group is still in charge of the places one would have to be in charge of in order to control public opinion. look it up for yourself! who owns the television networks, who owns the social media websites, who owns the companies that produce our childrens text books! you can look for yourself and then decide for yourself whether or not you believe it is all one massive coincidence. that is the real historical context of that special word and our entire unhealthy obsession on the racial sins of white people. they have the motivation, the means, and a history spanning thousands of years that is well documented of doing this time and time again, every place they go. 

[momo-de-avis]

#so art forgery in its essence is what 19th century academics would have wanted can u expand on this and art forgery in general? i'd love to learn more!

I meant it as in: the concept of formalism - that art is born out of art itself - was at its peak. Fun story: Wincklemann the dude who created the concept meant that art as history were cyclical, meaning that if it happened once it was gonna happen again. Only you had to recreate the social conditions (and for some reason, the weather) for that to happen. Only for him the perfect world of beauty had already happened in Pericles’ era, and so all we had to do was copy it. Of course he was unaware of how gay and mysoginists the greeks were back in the good old days and was romanticizing the whole thing, but still. He also had no idea he was looking at roman copies of greek statues and he actually believed the statues he was looking at were greek lmao

So that meant you had to copy the art of this great century to become a true master. That was ingrained in the idea that drawing was in itself a act of rationality, because to draw required a set of skills only the Intellectuals ™ could put forward. So in a way, there was something of a forgery in the way academics did their paintings (which is why none of them survived in the general public’s memory, instead we point out the one who pushed art forward by breaking these rules - the Monets, the Rousseaus, the Delacroix, etc). Academics weren’t really interested in the idea of originality, rather in maintaining centuries old of tradition (the academy as we know it dates back to the 18th century) and originality as concept begins to be deepened with 19th century art philosophy, particularly when we see concepts such as the sublime or the pictoresque (although I am honestly tempted to say as a concept it wasn’t really thoughtout until the 20th century but I’m not 100% positive about this).

Like I said, when the bank of England was built (today the only thibg that survives is the façade) by John Soane, people criticized it because they thought that if it was destroyed and found under the rubble in 100 years, people would think it was a classical bulding and not Neo-classical. Ingres himself intended on that anacronic feeling - he wanted to be Rafael’s buggest lesson.

A lot of these people tried recreating the context. John Soane was part of an enthusiastic group of archeologists and architects who travelled to Rome and Greece to draw the classical buoldings before hand, and this is the century when historians jerk off to romantic notions of medieval and antiquity (and gave us all the misconceptions we know today), so there was a social context for this to happen. Like, if Souto Moura were to make a manuelino monument today, we’d collectively tell “what the fuck, dude” becausd it doesnt make sense in our time.

But that was not the case back then. These doofus really wanted all in in the glorious romans.

So its funny af for me to see art forgers going through such lengths to recreate a bit of history that never existed because thats exactly what a lot of them did to fool academics. Because everyone hates academics, there’s no going around that.

These guys copy not just the technique, but they imitate their style to the littlest detail. I dont remember if its mentioned in the post but there was a dude who said he found a compeltely new Frans Hals. It was sold on Sotheby’s and held proudly in exhibitions. Ten years later, turns out it was a forgery lmaoooo art historians were shocked because they believed it was a unique painting and they came forward with admiration saying “listen, I don’t know who the fuck did this, but they know their art history way too well to have fooled us all” (they only found out it was a fake bc they analyzed the paint – which they should have made it in the first place lmao)

Tl; dr: art forgerers know a shit ton of art history and of painting and they are only doing what was preached by academics for centuries until it was not lmao

[conflictcrafter]

The Humanity of Lord of War

when you make an artwork, you have to figure out your role. being the maker of something is the surface role. and it is necessary. the next step is to pick a shovel and dig. or mine.

we do not determine roles for the heck of it. we do it because it is both the goal and the core. the goal, the core, and the means should align. and when things are in order, beauty emerges, organically, even when the surface looks chaotic.

I.

Andrew Niccol knew what his roles are in Lord of War. one of them is to explore an inquiry: what does it mean to be human?

this question has been explored in many punk films. Ridley Scott and Philip K Dick's Blade Runner films comes to mind. George Miller has also examined the question specially well in the recent Mad Max: Fury Road. these films put humanity in future punks, in a certain point in post-humanity, to hammer the question down.

Lord of War doesnt play with punks (we can call it presentpunk though). the historical events and the political conditions depicted in the film still ring bells. theoretically, the question is easier to grasp since it's set categorically in the present. this film, again, is not a punk where this question of humanity is often explored. but this is why literature or film is so beautiful: narrative elements, in this case the setting, bare different ways to answer the same query. also, familiar settings may bring out the most outlandish of answers.

What does it mean to be human 1: Beware of The Dog

Yuri (Nick Cage), after making his first gun trade, approaches his younger brother Vitaly (Jared Leto) who cooks in their Jewish family restaurant. while Yuri convinces Vi to be his gun trade partner, Yuri notices a poster in the kitchen that says: Beware of The Dog. "We dont have a dog (also why you put that in the kitchen?)," said Yuri. to which Vi responded:

"To remind myself to beware of the dog in me. The dog in me who wants to fuck everything that moves, fight and kill weaker dogs. I guess it's a . . . to remind me to be more human."

halfway through the film, Vi succumbs into cocaine addiction due to Yuri's involvement in his life. it was as though the film was telling us that Vi is indeed a dog. running and fucking around.

but when Vi finally met "a girlfriend," he changes and leaves the cocaine. Yuri comes back into his life and convinces him again to be his partner. in a deal in Sierra Leone, Vi, now sober, witnessed the bloody effects of illegal gun trade to African civilians. 

in an effort to sabotage the deal and potentially save innocent people, Vi is able to blow half of the arms and is consequently killed by the warlords.

Vi dies a martyr. loyal dogs die as martyrs. martyrs transcend humanity.

What does it mean to be human 2: I Won’t Fail as a Human Being

Yuri returns home to his wife Ava Fontaine (Bridget Moynahan) who now knows about her husband's illegal gunrunning business.

Ava is informed by idealistic Interpol agent Jack Valentine (Ethan Hawke) of her husband's illegal arms activities. he reminds Ava that her parents were gunned by people who got their guns illegally from arms dealers like Yuri.

later that evening, Yuri comes home to a naked wife, unable to wear her silk sleeping dress, unable to lie on their bed, because to her, "Everything’s got blood on it."

she confronted Yuri and he finally confessed to his wife his real occupation. she tells Yuri to stop it since they have enough. but Yuri said he couldnt just quit because it isnt about the money. it is what he is good at.

Ava tells her husband that she "is a failed actress, a failed artist. But she doesnt fail to be human."

while Yuri feels that being human means getting one's dreams, having a lucrative lifestyle, proving to other humans that one is the best; for Ava though, humanity is as simple as not inflicting harm to other human beings.

What does it mean to be human 3: The Reptile Tail

after being confronted by Ava and Vi, Yuri finally decides to go legit. suddenly, he is not an arms dealer anymore, and he got agents confused.

this is the part of the film that youd wish the main character has truly changed, with all the things and relationships he has at stake, youd want the main character to change. Niccol teases us that, that narrative relief. but if you know how plot works, you know Yuri hasnt reached that ultimate fall.

so after going legit, he is pulled back into the arms dealing business by the self-proclaimed president of Liberia, Andre Baptise.

you would want to feel that Yuri would be doing it forcibly in fear for his family's safety. but no. when the scene with him and the Andre cuts, we hear Yuri:

"At four and a half months old, a human fetus has a reptile's tail—a remnant of our evolution. Maybe that is why I could't escape. You can fight a lot of enemies and survive. But if you fight your biology, you will always lose."

Yuri's biological mumbling here is based on the evolutionary development studies of Ernst Haeckel (1834-1919) which theorizes that embryonic stages of development reflect the previous adult evolutionary forms of the specie (ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny).

Yuri is basically saying that since humans were previously non-humans, reflected by having actual tails while developing in the womb, humans will always go back in to behaving as animals. and that we can never fight it.

Yuri is wrong. for starters, Haeckel's hypothesis, the Recapitulation Theory, is long defunct.

while embryos have "tails," this does not represent the evolutionary process of a specie.

we don't have embryonic tails because thats how we evolved. we just had tails. that's just it.

thus, we are not echoes of a long evolution of reptiles. and what Yuri is telling himself is merely a rationalization defense mechanism to justify his illegal arms dealing.

and it's completely human to rationalize immoral behavior.

in insisting biology and in exercising rationalization, Yuri has perfectly demonstrated the frailty of human beings: giving intellectual justifications to humans' animalistic tendencies. Yuri has satisfied the id in booming his ego.

but being human isnt only about rationalizing.

being human also means thinking about the welfare of other human beings.

Yuri has become, if not the best, one of the bests in illegal arms dealing. in essence, he has become a superpower in the trade. but Yuri, in Nietzsche's eyes is far from being an Ubermensch.

in Kant's eyes, Yuri has trampled the categorical imperative.

in our eyes, Yuri is not a hero.

and this is what makes him human: his acceptance of life's dramatic irony. he knows, he sees, he "appreciates" the negative implications of what he does, and what's coming. yet he still does it. he is helplessly and happily trapped like all of us.

II.

although we follow closely the life of Yuri, in a "story" perspective, it's Vitaly that ultimately follows the heroic arc. Vitaly is the proxy hero to Yuri, Yuri doesnt undergo metamorphosis. but Vitaly does.

hence the film is a character study of how a human being can become a monster: by allowing and being part of something that is systematically bad and irreversible.

Niccol illustrates the monstrosity of Yuri not by making the character violent. he ingeniously does it by portraying Yuri as a kind and generous person who often describes and treats the people who are really close to him well. he, in his monologues, talks a great deal about them in good terms. yet he never talks about himself in such way. in fact, he never talks about himself at all.

and this where NIccol's genius comes: he makes Yuri seamlessly not talk about himself because in truth, Yuri hates himself. and a monster is a monster is he hates himself.

in the end, nothing is solved. what wins is the human basal instinct to harm others and at the same time, be detached from it. more than a narrative work, the film is a challenge:

how much humanity are we willing to let go to feel human?

III.

the film has managed to be an artwork that also talks about important world issues. and if there is something that an artist should takeaway from the viewing, it should be seeing how art and function can go together neatly.

the only failure of the film, albeit minor, is despite the great research that the creative production team has gone through to parallel real events, it fell short in interpreting Interpol's function properly. Interpol doesnt at all conduct arrests.

aside from that, Lord of War is a solid 9/10 for its take on the question of humanity.

_____ non-film image sources in order of appearance:  1. https://image.slidesharecdn.com/defensemechanism-160520104849/95/defense-mechanism-40-638.jpg?cb=1463741864

2. https://i.pinimg.com/originals/30/22/3b/30223b65bc57c735199209472b57c0b3.jpg 

3. https://i.pinimg.com/originals/c0/16/e2/c016e21b69049ab2c7a02caa1bd9e24d.jpg 

[evilelitest2]

100 Days of Trump Bonus Edition: Bioshock

Welcome back to 100 days of Trump...bonus edition, where we talk about what made Trump possible though...well more than 100 recommendations.  I am finishing these last few up before i move unto my next project, invading and conquering Moldovia.

    So Bioshock 1 almost made it on the primary list, but i backed off, mostly because I played bioshock infinite and fucking hated it, particularly its extremely demented understanding of politics (you can see it here).  And I kept wondering to myself if I was overvaluing the first Bioshock after the disaster of infinite and upon further reflection, I do admit that the first one does the sort of piss ant thing of talking about issues more than actually addressing them....Despite that though, I think it is worth checking out.  Just ignore the terrible ending and the useless moral choice system.

    So Bioshock is about Objectivism, the intellectual black hole where good ideas go to die, and is about Andrew Ryan (GET IT) an objectivity billionaire who builds an underwater....Ayn Rand (GET IT) city where his Free Market Utopia can live in peace.  And it immediately goes to shit like...holy crap.  

And his initial pitch sounds pretty good if you like empty hollow rhetoric to you know....facts 

Notice how the entire philosophy of this is basically “Guess what, you are a special awesome person who doesn’t have to abid by the rules” but it doesn’t take a genius to reason how fundamentally myoptic it is, because if you want to have a city (let alone a country) based on these principles, you are going to run into problems, because to get a society running you need to make decisions based on the city rather than a bunch of individuals with a god complexes.  And what happens when those individuals run into each other and start to compare egos? Oh right, if everybody is special, there isn’t any room for compromise.  

    Its kinda interesting how much Objectivism borrows from Marxism actually, I mean listen to this (and trust me, this speech is a lot more articulate and compelling than anything Ayn Rand wrote, it is only three mins for example)

   Huh, an endless cycle of history being based on a lie spread by the ruling classes?  An obsession with ownership of labor.  A love of broad sweeping historical generalization rather than a more nuanced approach that takes into account various trends, and a conspiratorial dismissive of all things he doesn’t like as in fact being the same?  Huh, sounds like the writings of a certain German philosopher with a big beard, except Marx at least had the decency to have a sense of humor.  Also very noticeable how he claims that FDR was being taken over by communist, when in fact the New Deal actually killed the Communist/Socialist movement in the United States, because if you can get out of the depressing using capitalist means, there is no need for a revolution.  

The obsession with “the parasite” reminds me of nothing so much as “The Kulak” or “The Jew” in Soviet and Nazi circles, or heretic we see in Christian of Islamic Fundamentalism.  Because Utopian self indulgence always seem to end to the same boring end.  But its romantic, say what you will about the man, he sure can make a speech, and that romantic ideal of a society is very tempting, while the practical reality of building a country, based on checks and balances has its faults, but it is fundamentally practical, because you have to assume this society will deal with the actual unsexy realities of running a country.  Ryan and by extension most of this sort of Koch Brothers Trumpian right wing Utopian just sort of expects things to work out if you are dismissive enough and self indulgent enough, that if you massage your own ego just a little bit more, that will make the difficult problems of governance go away. 

   Huh...personifying the market as some sort of living sentience, for somebody who rejects religion you do sure seem to have a very predestination perspective, I mean if the market is some sort of personified sentence then you don’t have to offer actual solutions to the problem now do you?  Just like if feudalism is gods plan, if the Purges are natural step in the march towards true equality, if genocide is just the battle between the races, that means you don’t have to bear personal responsibility for when it all falls apart.  And indeed it really does fall apart.  

You do have to love the fact that he compares people wanting food to not die to sexual predators, which is not so dissimilar of the the attitude of our own ...job creators.  

   Because if you try to built John Galt’s home for imaginary political philosophizers at the bottom of the sea, you need to take into account some pratical realities.  They cut off contact with the surface to keep socialist ideas from infecting their free market utopia, but in doing that, you create regulation, which allows a black market for smugglers.  But ultimately, men (and this really is a male centric game and philosophy) are not inherently rational, Andrew Ryan certainly isn’t with his refusal to understand how markets work when narcotics are involved 

 But so is everybody else, human beings are not wholy rational creatures, and if you don’t account for that, you find yourself with a golf club in your brain.  

   But this philosophy always seems to find adherents, in large part because it is extremely self indulgent, this is an adolescent power fantasy, you are the most special misunderstood creature in the world and everybody else is just holding you back.  But if everybody thinks that way, what do you in a society which necessitates poverty to exist, if you have no welfare state, then society will need losers and what happens to those losers when they realize they can’t become captains of industry but only mop toilets.  And whats more, what happens when you get a ruthless ambitious man who doesn’t wish to be held back by the petty morality of reverence for the free market? 

   A shitty final boss fight, thats what.