#i left my self esteem behind in my 20s

[cunninghamchrissie]

the universe couldn’t give me one thing, could it? it had to make me poor, from a third world country, and ugly.

[prototypesteve]

1994. A little story about my asexuality being misinterpreted (by a professional) as a disorder, and how that led to years of trouble.

Animation Description: An aromatic-asexual sense pride flag, onto which someone writes "So the thing is… I don't think I've ever had what my friends say would qualify as a real crush, and even after four years of college I still haven't started dating, but maybe the weirdest part is that I've never wanted to." Then, abruptly and violently black paint is spattered across the message and in white text someone superimposes the dismissive message "It's just low self esteem! – Expert opinion"

In 1994, I went to see a counsellor.

What happened was some friends and I were just talking about life. We were all in our early 20s, and so of course sex came up, and I confided that no, I hadn’t had it yet. In fact, I hadn’t even been on anything that would qualify as a date, yet.

I’ve always had good luck with friends. Instead of teasing me about it, one of them gave me the name of a counselling clinic, because they thought it might be worth checking that everything was okay, and there wasn’t something getting in the way. (It was the 1990s, and Generation X didn’t have taboos about getting help.) So I made an appointment.

I described what we’d now call textbook aromantic asexuality. I explained that I was 22, and hadn’t yet been in a relationship. I hadn’t even had anything like a crush. I hadn’t experimented; no kisses on a dare. I had pretty good friendships with guys and girls, but nothing closer than friendship. I felt “behind schedule,” especially because my friends all found it odd that I was still inexperienced.

The counsellor gently asked if I felt it was because I wasn’t allowed to be “experienced”. They noted that I referred to everything euphemistically. Experienced. Relationship. Spark. Feelings. Dating. I never said love, sex, aroused, boyfriend, or girlfriend. I never said romance. Was it because my parents had some strict taboos around seeing girls while I was just fresh out of college, when I should be focused on my career? (I’m half Japanese so that was plausible.) Was it because I felt I wasn’t allowed to love the people I felt attracted to, because I might have been gay or bisexual and hiding that? (Also a fair question, because, sadly, the 90s still weren’t a safe or fair time for my gay and lesbian friends—I didn’t know that I knew any bi or trans people at the time, although I’m sure I did.)

I thought about it. The honest answers were no. My family didn’t make me feel like dating was inappropriate or wasteful, and I just didn’t feel anything “special” for any of my guy friends (and I had guy friends who were comfortable telling me they were gay).

I went on. I explained that I felt happy. I didn’t see any obvious signs of depression or illness or anything. All I felt was a little embarrassed about being so far behind all my friends. Not dating, not “feeling the spark”, not having a “type,” and not having any thoughts on a future family all made me feel immature, and like maybe I had some kind of developmental thing going on. I knew what all those things were. I wasn’t some sheltered or repressed prude. I just wasn’t doing any of that stuff. Not even the perfectly innocent stuff like having a crush, or even really having a “type.”

But it was 1994 and counsellors didn’t have asexual or aromantic on their list of things it might be. So the best the counsellor could guess was that I just didn’t feel good about myself. It must have been low self esteem. (The early 90s still reeked of the yuppie success-or-die greedhead era.) Their guess was that I might have felt my sexuality was something I didn’t feel I had earned the right to access yet, evidenced by my using euphemisms to describe love, romance, and sexuality.

They suggested I read “Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy” by David Burns, and not worry, because some people are just late bloomers.

And I left there, redirected away from a truth that neither of us knew about. And it would be nearly thirty years before I “reopened the case”, and asked the same questions and got a better answer: Some people experience little to no sexual or romantic attraction. They aren’t necessarily repulsed by sex, or driven away by trauma. They might even have perfectly natural responses to sexual stimuli either alone or with others, but they just don’t feel “I want that, and I want it with this specific person, or this specific sort of person”. They call those people aromantic and/or asexual, based on a presumption that romantic and sexual attraction can sometimes be experienced independently.

I learned that in 2022.

I needed to know that in 1994.

I know I’ll gradually get over that. But yeah. I feel a lot of things about it. Some of them are bad things. But what I’m going to choose to feel about it is grateful that the person who needed answers in 1994 made it to my answers in 2022, and didn’t fall apart in 2022 when I found those answers.

I didn’t let that lost time break me. I didn’t let the mistakes I made crush me. I didn’t find anyone to blame. (That counsellor in 1994 wasn’t hiding anything from me. The world just didn’t talk about people off the Kinsey Scale.) I didn’t let it derail my faith. Asexuality isn’t a curse, and our confusion and fear about the gift of being different like this isn’t the Gift-Giver’s fault.

I’m just going to keep moving. With answers. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next.

[assorted-candy]

20 Q's for Fic Writers

I got tagged by @dp-marvel94! Thank you!

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 

I've just posted my 22nd work a few days ago!

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

37,763

3. What fandoms do you write for?

So far, all my published fics are for Danny Phantom. It's a fandom that's near and dear to my heart and my favorite to write for. I've written fanfiction for myself in a lot of different fandoms over the years. Miraculous Ladybug, Mega Man (Star Force, Battle Network) and Fire Emblem are a few. (Will these ever see the light of day? Probs not, lol)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?  5. Frayed Ends - 37 kudos - Jazz and Maddie are fighting more often. Jack wants to reach out and help his family. 4. The Same Blood - 45 kudos - Maddie and Jack try to help a sick girl that collapsed in front of their house. They don't know what to make of her condition. Danny wants to help.

3. Returned Home - 49 kudos - Maddie finds Danny at home after he disappeared ten months ago.

2. The Broken Pieces Left Behind - 66 kudos (tie) - Maddie knew what the portal did to Danny. If she could create something that essentially turned him into a ghost, she could figure out a way to fix all of it. Even if she hasn't made any progress in the past two months, she'll keep trying. She didn't account for what Danny wanted. 1 . What's Out of Out Control - 66 kudos (tie) - Danny thought he had it under control. He thought he could finally hang out like they used to always do. Tucker could feel the rift between them widening. It wasn't getting smaller anytime soon.

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to! There were a few comments from my two earlier fics that I never responded to and it's already been so long and I feel like I ended up putting it off too long to say anything now 😓But I'm so so thankful for all the comments I receive! I never thought anyone would read my work, let alone comment on it. I'm always between two modes of 'author commentary' and 'screaming thank you and running away'.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Lol, I love my angsty stuff and there are so many different flavors of angst, so it's hard to pick just one. I'd say the piece I aimed to write for Angst Fest, The Broken Pieces Left Behind, might be it. It ends on a rather hopeless note for the Fenton family that even I don't know how to make everything better for them

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably Home for a Cat. It was for a Ectoberhaunt prompt that I was absolutely stumped on. So I decided someone was going to adopt a cat by the end of the fic.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Ahh, so I actually posted a fic on FFN wayyy back when I was in high school. I remember it being received pretty well but I got a really rude comment on a simple spelling mistake. Back then, I was just told I had dyslexia a few years prior and I had some really bad self-esteem issues tied in with that. So, yeah, that comment basically made me terrified to ever show my work to anyone ever.

It's been over ten years since then and I wanted to actually get over that fear. I impulsively decided to do Angst Fest with the mindset that no one would even look at what I posted. Not only did people look, everyone has been so kind!!!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

lkdajldkf, nope. I get flustered trying to write basic romance and having two characters hold hands, lmao. Major props to those that can, it's definitely a skill that takes time to master just like any other genre.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I haven't.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Also haven't had this either.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope, but it seems like a lot of fun.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Back when the show was airing, Amethyst Ocean (Danny/Sam) was my go to. I'm a sucker for friends to lovers tropes and it's really nostalgic for me. But, I don't really read a lot of shippy things for Danny Phantom, so ships don't make or break a fic for me.

If I'm looking to read romance, the whole Love Square (MariChat my beloved) with Miraculous Ladybug will always be great. Even if I jumped ship on the show around season 2 or 3 and I have no clue what they're doing now, lol.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I honestly have so many WIPs that are unfinished on my computer from over the years. Maybe a super old one that I titled 'Phantoms in the Daylight'. Angst once more with Character Death as the main pain point. I like the beginning but oh boy, does it get sloppy and confusing real quick. I'd need serious outlining energy put into it if I'd ever want to salvage it and I just don't have it in me.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue! Give me two blorbos and I'll make them talk forever.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Scenery and description. I love the dialogue portion so much that I end up running into the floating heads in an empty room problem in the first drafts of my fics. My first round of edits are dedicated to making sure I have a scene and grounding characters into it. And then I have to go back later to make it not feel so robotic sounding.

(Also a weakness but more as in fic than writing. Summaries and Titles. I stare at my drafts on AO3's editor for at least half an hour trying to pull something together, lol)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I can probably talk about this for hours, lol. I absolutely love foreign languages, especially when it comes to linguistics. So, I'll try to be brief, lmao. Short answer: depends on the fic but normally no. I already spend so much time fussing over the word choice/slang/formality/dialect characters use in my native language. I don't have a good enough grasp on another language for it to sound natural to the reader. ("They would not fucking say that" is my internal monologue during dialogue edits, lol)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

It's a toss up between Pokemon and Danny Phantom. I first learned about fanfiction from a friend who showed me FFN for the Pokemon fics. I looked around the site and found all of the Danny Phantom fics soon after and got hooked on those. I started writing around then and it would have been for one of those two.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Hard to chose one! Writing technicality wise, I'm proud of how What Remains on the Table turned out. I consider description my weak point, so the original draft was 0 dialogue with very stiff descriptions. I was able to edit it to really practice my environmental storytelling. (Although, please mind the tags if you click the link as it does deal with the dissection topic)

I'm not sure who's been tagged and I'm not sure who writes fanfic, so @lavendarlily, @fangirlwriting-stories, @grub-xd, @nanaarchy and anyone else that wants to join!

[aimbutmiss]

Saw this post of yours: https://www.tumblr.com/aimbutmiss/740229617026220032/maybe-this-is-just-me-projecting-on-buggy-because

and I have to say I love it sm?? yk what it makes me think of? The song I can’t help but wonder from epic the musical, where Telemachus and Odysseus (a father/son duo who haven’t seen each other in TWENTY years) finally meet again. And it’s like, giving Buggy and the ghost of Roger or smth.

https://youtu.be/gUAQvlCFm-g?si=4UJpB9jABhOMLMAI

First of all, thank you so much!! I'm glad you enjoyed it 😁 and oh boy this one's got a kick... You shouldn't have brought up greek mythology AND buggy like I won't shut up ever after this.

I actually cried listening to the song while thinking about Buggy and Roger. It just fits too well. I want to point out a few lyrics that I thought fit like a glove:

"for twenty years, I never could outgrow you" I think its safe to say that Roger's death in Loguetown affected Buggy on a fundamental level. No one could handle watching their father's neck get sliced live. Something like that could never not change you. From the 20+ years that have passed since then, at least part of Buggy is still that 16 year old standing in that crowd, crying. He never fully outgrew Loguetown, and for the record I don't think Shanks did either (I couldn't not bring him up I'm sorry) The main difference is that they experienced very different Loguetowns... Buggy still had hope that Roger would somehow dodge death like he always had, because unlike Shanks he didn't understand why Roger would willingly go to his own death. However, as the one who left, Buggy suffered a lot less after their fight. That's not to say it wasn't hard to leave, or he wasn't sad about it (he cried a lot as he ran away from Shanks) But Shanks suffered a different way, from the whiplash he had from seeing Roger die AND losing his best friend on top of each other. He only expected one of those, and we know which one that was.

"i can't help but wonder (...) if I have your strength in me." Buggy has always been a character with deep self esteem issues. A part of that certainly comes from having Roger's legacy behind him. Roger was strong and smart beyond words, and Buggy definitely felt insufficient, like he couldn't reach that ideal. That's why there's a deep rooted jealousy in him towards Shanks, because he sees so much of Roger in him. This also mirrors Odysseus and Telemachus perfectly, because the son never reached his father's level of intelligence and strength by the end of the Odyssey. However, it is implied that he is on his way there, getting better and better as the story progressed. We see this with Buggy too, with his amazing talent of failing upwards. (I have to say, I don't think all of it can be accidental. Buggy is actually quite clever in his own way) Roger's soul must be watching with pride, but not surprise. I have no doubt in my mind that Roger truly believed Buggy would make it big one day. The kind of trust only a parent could have in their children.

"used to say I'd capture wind and sky for you" Not much to say here but Roger would definitely say something like this. There's not a single thing that man wouldn't have done for his boys. I'm so normal about them haha 😅 ...Also more on the Roger and Odysseus parallels, there's just something so beautiful about a man who chooses his family over and over again, no matter how many good options keep presenting themselves. Like, nothing in the world could get in the way of him and his child no matter what. The similarity just hurts. And even though Roger couldn't live to do that for Ace, at least he experienced fatherhood with Shanks and Buggy.

[simplykorra]

Catradora, #20 (...on a scar) and/or #28 (...as a lie) please and thank you :>

It's been a bit since I've written Catradora, let's see if I remember how to do this lol

------------------

(as a lie)

"Catra, what happened to my pudding cup?"

Eyes going wide, Catra stares down at the aforementioned cup in her hand, last bite sitting on the spoon looking like the most delicious thing she's ever seen.

She had no idea these were Adora's pudding cups. Adora doesn't eat sweets very much and she just figured it was something Glimmer left in the fridge from their get together last week.

There's a scenario in her head where she saves the last bite, races into the kitchen and apologizes for this and let's Adora have it.

She even admits this is the better idea as she puts the spoon in her mouth and finishes off her snack.

It was a good idea, but why be boring and apologetic when she can be creative and still make sure Adora gets something sweet.

Catra quickly gets up, runs to the back door and throws the offending cup and spoon (that she'll have to explain away later) in the trash before sauntering into the kitchen as if she's just come home from a long days work. "What's up?" She asks, indifferent.

Adora is still standing in the fridge, staring at it's contents like the pudding cup is going to magically manifest itself right in front of her. "I had a pudding in here, I was saving it for after my end of the week workout and I can't find it."

"Huh, that's weird," Catra steps up behind her, staring into the fridge like she doesn't still taste the chocolate on her tongue. "Maybe Bow ate it?"

Adora shakes her head. "No, I...I saw it this morning," Adora gets a goofy smile on her face. "I remember because I told it I would see it tonight after..." her eyes go wide and she clears her throat. "I mean, I don't talk to our food."

Catra is so in love with this dork. "I don't know what to tell you, babe."

"Well damn, I was really looking forward to that."

Seeing Adora's genuine disappointment, Catra knows what she can do to help. She pulls Adora back, closes the fridge door and puts her hands on Adora's shoulders. "How about I give you something sweet instead." she leans in, watching with delight as Adora's eyes go wide for only a moment before she closes them.

The kiss is soft at first, as they usually are. Even after all this time, Adora has never stopped kissing Catra with a small sense of wonder.

That affection has done miraculous things for Catra's previously low self-esteem.

It's when the kiss starts to pick up steam that Catra makes her fatal mistake. She gently glides her tongue between Adora's lips, finding space on the roof of her mouth and pressing in even harder - their bodies flush.

Then suddenly, Adora gasps into her mouth.

"SHOKLIT!" She mumbles, vibrating Catra's teeth. They break apart and Adora looks absolutely scandalized. "You ate my pudding!"

"Pssh, no I didn't."

"You taste like chocolate!"

"So," Catra shrugs. "That's my natural taste."

"Catra!"

"Fine, I ate your pudding. I didn't know it was yours!" Adora's following pout is legendary. "I'll get you more, okay?" Adora crosses her arms, still frowning - but their eyes lock and Catra can't help herself. "Besides, you have to admit this is a pretty good way to get your sweets fix, don't you think?"

Adora's expression breaks just a bit. "I guess, but I think I need more than just one."

With that, Catra puts her hands in Adora's hair and pulls her in. "Now that, I can give you."

[spark-lapis]

Alhaitham genshinimpact 11, 20, 22

for the blorbo ask game!

this got REALLY long because this accidentally um. activated the overlap between my special interests (psychology, particularly identity and relationships) and (autistic blorbos).... so im putting it under a cut. the questions were:

"11. Would you date this character?";

"20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?"; and

"22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to this character? Something you don't like?"

11. Would you date this character?

honestly this is a difficult one simply because i cannot envision any reality in which he would date me. he's got that huge aspec swag. i think we could be qpps though. he would be very autism direct with me and it would be very nice and cool. like business partners almost. i could see that. i think in the spirit of the question, yes, because i respect him as a person and would engage in a long term relationship with him pretty readily, were it an option

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

OHH that's a cool one.. honestly i think he has an interesting relationship with kaveh, i think they could be good friends after like. a 200k slowburn fixit fic where they both put a lot of work into their relationship and their own self esteem (mostly on kaveh's part-- poor guy). like it's impractical from a canon standpoint but I'm fascinated by the prospect because their core personalities compliment each other so well, and they're both extremely intelligent. i think kaveh is one of the few people that doesn't really get left behind when alhaitham explains things.

BUT if im looking at canon characters as they are and not my long-term fantasy fanfiction that i haven't written, i would have to say... any of: gorou, keqing, freminet, albedo, ....and maybe xingqiu but i'm tentative on that one. reason being that these are the most honest, upfront, devoted, hardworking, and intelligent people that i can think of off the top of my head.

my criteria:

1) has to be able to keep up intellectually with him. i don't think he minds being patient and explaining things over again if there's genuine interest, but someone who gets lost really easily and can't follow his train of thought even if he slows it down/makes it more explicit... probably wouldn't really enjoy spending time with him, and probably wouldn't be very rewarding to explain things to either. a good friend for him would be someone who has the interest and ability to eventually understand whatever interesting thing he's pondering, and preferably, even be able to build off of it and pose their own curiosities. i think that albedo and keqing excel here, as they are both extremely curious and thoughtful people that are prone to questioning and interrogating their environment. the insane scientific banter these guys would be able to have with him is off the charts and would be very autistically satisfying for everyone involved. freminet and gorou also fit here to a lesser extent, because while they might not have as much to actively contribute (though I think they still would at least a little), they would find whatever he were talking about genuinely fascinating and want to learn more.

2) has to be genuine and earnest. or at least able to be genuine when the time calls for it. for alhaitham to be able to fully trust and enjoy being around them, they have to be someone who he can trust to be open with their information and intentions. they would have to be someone that he can trust to not try and mislead or misinterpret him when it counts. i think he lies a lot to people that he doesn't like or respect, but in a relationship that he did respect, he would require mutual honesty and communication. i think that freminet and gorou excel here, as they are both extremely empathic, earnest people. i think they wouldn't engage as much when alhaitham talks about whatever curiosity he's most recently discovered, but i think they would have insightful opinions when they did, and they could be trusted to keep it as secret as it needed to be. (though i will note i'm mostly going by personality. i'm not really factoring age into this because i think freminet may be a teenager?? i think gorou is just a petit adult though)

.....he has not interacted with any of these people in canon. like at all.

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to this character? Something you don't like?

oh MAN i really should read fics honestly but i don't... so i will just go with fandom characterization of him. i love it when they make him blunt and autistic and rude especially to paimon. i don't really like when people's entire impression of him seems to be "asshole that's bad and weird and can't keep friends and doesn't have the Common Sense to upkeep social courtesies" cause that squicks a little bit too close to just.... hating neurodivergency. for my comfort. also not personally into the fan portrayals where he's seemingly fully allosexual/alloromantic, or where he's like... romantic about it, you know? this guy's idea of romance, if he has any, is asking you directly what you want for your anniversary, and then buying that for you. or sitting on a couch and reading silently together. and i love it when i see things that hit that kind of specific queerplatonic vibe. i also love characterizations that are a little bit slapstick where he causes problems for kaveh and is just generally kind of. like. insensitive but not Mean or Malicious you know.

AND that concludes my answer to this ask that took me two hours to type up (oops)! thank you so much for the prompt!!! this is. my favorite topics . i love relationship pondering

[newwayastrology]

Rosalyn Carter left her body today. I think the number of years she and the President were married was 77. All too often, people who have not seen hundreds or thousands of horoscopes look at a synastry bi-wheel and go by this logic: "If there are mostly trines and sextiles, the relationship will be good. If there a bunch of squares, oppositions, and 'bad' conjunctions, it's not good."

The Carters major hard aspect contacts are as follows: her Neptune conjoins his Venus; his Mars opposes her Sun, his Saturn opposes her Moon, his Uranus opposes her Mars, and his Neptune conjoins her Sun.

I placed their bi-wheel on an online synastry page without the names. Close to 70 people said there's no way the relationship could last. If you look in any synastry cookbook and look at the mutual aspects I've pointed out between them, that same feeling is conveyed, yet 77 years of bliss for them!

I used to be, a looooong time . ago, one of those people who thought that mutual bi-wheel aspects were the gospel of relationship potential. There was a young lady I was serious about and I made an appointment with my mentor, Noel Tyl, to have him take a look at us. I was surprised!!!! He completely disregarded the bi-wheel. He already knew me so he took her into his client room for a consultation. An hour or so later, they returned and he pointed things out to me that she confirmed. A few days later, he and I talked on the phone and he said, "Basil, she's beautiful, intelligent, talented, and articulate but she's way behind you. It's like you are a man and she's a girl even though you are just 3 years senior to her and you are both in your 20's. You'd have to somehow stop your growth impetus to allow her to catch up."

After experiencing more time with her, he was absolutely right. It was like I was 30 years older than her. Yet, my Jupiter was on her Sun and her Jupiter was on my Moon-Venus conjunction. There were NO tough hard aspects between us. The relationship ended without any hard feelings at all.

What I learned from that is that relationships are about who two people are as individuals, not what astrology says about aspects between them. A bigot and a Liberal likely won't survive even if the mutual aspects are all trines. A woman who had early sexual or emotional abuse that manifests in self-esteem problems and issues with sex has to work on herself. Thee greatest synastry means squat if she's walking around demeaning herself all the time.

I think I remember a story about the Carters having been born in the same hospital, lived in the same neighborhood and that kind of thing. Their frames of reference reflected one another. Both were strongly idealistic at an early age, all expressed in church activity. So, they were two peas in a pod.

My wife's Saturn opposes my Sun and my Saturn squares her Moon. I obviously knew this as we were getting to know each other but again, two peas in a pod. This coming January makes 24 years for us!

The moral of the story is that synastry is about two individuals, not planetary aspects between two people.

[greenxprof]

Prof. Green Oak's Playlist

I explained the reason for each song to be in the playlist under cut. Most are either because of vibes or lyrics that remind me of Green/His relationships, and some are assigned by friends :)

IDKHOW, Do It All the Time

Mostly about his teenage/young adult years. He's taking your girl and making her his, beware! Back when he was (surprising more) reckless. Also, by the ending when he says "I don't wanna do it but I'll do it 'cuz I do it all the time" can easily be about Green's "toxic" behaviors that he was aware to be bad but was his only way to cope...

2. IDKHOW, Social Climb

Same thing as above! Huge Green Vibes on "But if the lights don't stop me, no one's got control of what I do" as well.

3. ARCTIC MONKEYS, I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor

Oh you can bet Green's a flirt specially on parties and raves etc! Used to be even more when he was younger, on his 20s, before taking up the laboratory. I usually think of his ship with an Ethan where they met years after HGSS in a party...

4. DAFT PUNK, Robot Rock

Purely vibes  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ He shares this music with Leo Mew. Do picture him vibing with his sunglasses on to this.

5. MAFUMAFU, いかないで

Assigned to Green by a friend! This music talks a lot about pursuing someone and asking them to not leave. Do I need to say it's Green about Red or Leaf?

6. SILENTROOM, NULCTRL

Pure vibes as well. I like giving him music that you'd listen to in parties :)

7. ROYAL BLOOD, Sleep

Oh Dear now we're getting to Green's Anxiety Crisis music lol. This one is open but you could say some sections of it, like "I've waited so long, Forever counting down, Thinking of all the ways I could get you back around" could be about Red... Left on his own, he doesn't wanna sleep.

8. ROYAL BLOOD, Little Monster

Much like the first three songs in this playlist, Green being a flirt but more sensual this time. I love him and I love royal blood what do you want from me

9. ROYAL BLOOD, Careless

Another Anxiety Crisis Music!!! Everything in this song screams Green Oak. "I wish I cared less but I'm afraid I don't" ???? THAT'S HIM. That goes for all his ships because he needs to go through the "they don't give a single fuck about me/they absolutely hate my guts" phase every time. He's also very prone to thinking he's NOT a good partner and his loved should, like, run away.

10. LAZER BOOMERANG, Time to Pretend

Vibes only but specially the Reguri in Alola vibes. Green driving his convertible with Red and Pika by his side, sunset behind them, all in a synthwave fashion....

11. ROYAL BLOOD, Lights Out

Third Anxiety Crisis Music. I feel like this one is more about an specific Ex that certainly traumatized him back in Kalos. Oh if she could see him now, looking all manly and handsome. She's not so hard to forget with all the lights out, though...

12. NANO, All Eyes on Me

Vibes and some of the Lyrics. It feels like a younger, teenager Green feeling all powerful and smartass with his new life in Kalos.

13. Champion Blue Encounter Music 

DO I NEED TO SAY ANYTHING? When I first played SuMo (I did it specifically to reach the battle tree and see them all grown up) and this started playing I felt so strongly I cried a little. oof.

14. YUNGLIXO, Sombra

This is a PT-BR Song. I feel like this one has some transgender subtones when he sings about not recognizing the person in older pictures or the person in the mirror, etc. It also speaks about not knowing yourself and feeling lost. I think this is about that phase in Green's transition in which he's in the middle of it. He's not like he used to be before it but he's still not like how he wants to be, yk.

It also speaks about not having a self-esteem and how it leads him to bad paths, because he feels like there's a void where he should be.

This song is really beautiful. Shoutout to the line "All the time I spent brooding I should've spent switching channels".

15. YEAH YEAH YEAHS, Heads will Roll

Another with the vibes and the party/rave mood. Also his head did roll once HAHAHAHAHA

16. THE YOUNG PROFESSIONALS, Video Games (Cover)

Assigned Reguri Song by Kyle. "It's you, it's you, Everything I do" and "He holds me in his big arms, drunk and I am seeing stars" .... oh I am mentally ill for them. Heaven is a place on Earth with Red yeah.

17. LAST DINOSAURS, Apollo

This one is about when Green decided he didn't want to be a Gym Leader. "My mind is made up, I'm willing to come down and wake up". That life isn't for him! He felt like staying there, a place offered to him because he lost to Red, because Giovanni wasn't there anymore, simply filling a hole, a consolation prize for failing on his efforts. He decided to pursue his (other) dream.

Also, for he "One more time, I need to see you one more time" as when he felt like maybe he should climb Mt. Silver to say goodbye to Red before spending a decade away. (He didn't)

There are some small transgender subtones on this music too. He's ready to be someone else, someone he wants to be and can feel proud of himself, no more letting others dictate his life. No need to feel like he used to, unhappy with himself, with his image...

18. CARPENTER BRUT, Hairspray Hurricane

Assigned by Cas. I like to think, when Cas Red and Green have that flying battle, THIS WILL BE THE BACKGROUND MUSIC. Also the name is just... Green. A hairspray hurricane every morning to get his hair like that!!

I will be adding more songs in the future, then updating this post :)

[crescentmoonrider]

give me your important toji and yuta and megumi headcanons :3c

you mean, in general ? or like how they'd all interact together ? or are we talking Boy Who Leapt Through Time AU specifically ?

well i guess i can do all three

.

let’s start with individual hcs !

Toji

he’s bisexual and demiromantic. the only person he’s ever been in love with has been his first wife, Megumi’s mom, in part because she was the only person at the time to treat him like a normal guy

the reason he married Tsumiki’s mom is more complicated. on the one hand, Megumi and Tsumiki got along well, and Toji thought it would be good for Megumi to spend time with like, someone his age. on the other, Toji didn’t trust himself to take care of Megumi, and thought marrying again would be a sort of insurance in case he died... or decided not to go home

the reason he never made the Zen’in clan pay for the way they treated him, and the reason he sort of trusted them with Megumi is that he has completely internalized the abuse he went through as something that was justified

his self-esteem is at rock bottom. he’s just really good at hiding it by behaving like a fucking asshole

might just have a breakdown if someone pays him a genuine compliment

he fucks around a lot for a few reasons : easy money, easy way to get a roof on his head, he likes it and likes making his partner(s) feel good, he tries to compensate his need for emotional intimacy with physical intimacy (it doesn’t work)

Yuuta

bisexual and aromantic. he tells people Rika’s the only one for him because for some reason, people are more eager to believe he can’t get over a childhood crush than to understand he just. doesn’t get romantic love

he’s build like a stick, and no matter how much he tries, cannot manage to build any muscle mass. he wishes at least had some more pecs.....

i refuse to believe the whole point of vol. 0 (overcoming grief, moving on from past mistakes, letting Rika-chan fucking rest in peace) would be undercut so stupidly by Gege, so the current “Rika” is not in fact cursed energy left behind by Rika-chan and uh, the power of love ? it’s just a copy Yuuta made with his technique. i will not be taking criticism

because of how socially isolated he used to be, his only idea of what real teens his age do comes from like, dramas and manga, and the random bits of conversation he would hear in the classroom

the first time he went out to a café with the other 2nd years, he cried for a good 20 minutes

Megumi

demi without a strong preference for any gender. has trouble understanding other people’s conceptions of romance and sexuality, especially people who date/fuck without strong ties to each other

the type to idealize the people he likes (who aren’t Gojo), only to be disappointed when they turn out to be, you know, people. with good sides and bad sides and sides that just don’t sit well with specific people

Tsumiki taught him how to cook. he doesn’t do it often these days, but he finds it relaxing

depending on my mood, i sometimes go with the idea that he has a puppy crush on Yuuta. he’s taking that secret to his grave, though

.

now for interactions not related to the above-mentioned AU !

obviously we know Megumi admires and respects Yuuta a great deal, and i like to think Yuuta’s the kind of guy who really wants to make his kouhais proud. so we have “Okkotsu-senpai can do nothing wrong” on one side, and on the other we have Yuuta trying to show off and keep up with Megumi’s expectations. it’s a whole mess, but it’s a funny one to watch for the other 2nd years

they have betting pools on what they can convince Yuuta to do to show off to Megumi, and also on what will finally make Megumi realize Yuuta is just as stupid as the rest of them, just in a different way

now, if we were to put Toji in there, as Megumi’s very much alive deadbeat dad....

i mean. it would be a disaster. a very entertaining one, but a disaster nonetheless. Megumi would do his best to keep Toji away from Yuuta so #1 Shitty Dad can’t embarrass him in front of his cool senpai. Toji would do his best to do just that, in whichever way is funniest to him (so either by flirting with Yuuta or by revealing Megumi’s baby photos. maybe even both)

meanwhile Yuuta would just be like “huh i wonder who the hot guy Fushiguro-kun just shoved out the window was”. and then Toji would open his mouth and Yuuta would go “oh he’s an asshole ok”. he Would take Megumi’s defense if Toji’s being too shitty, though. senpai instincts

unfortunately for everyone though, Yuuta is also a very genuinely kind soul, which is exactly what can break through the walls and layers of dysfunctional coping mechanism Toji built after the death of his first wife (and also after the abuse he suffered at the hands of the Zen’in clan)

what i’m saying is that Yuuta just stands there obliviously as Megumi tries to murder Toji, who is now seriously trying to get closer to Yuuta and just like, become friends ? maybe ??

oh yeah also Toji calls himself a monkey one time in front of Yuuta, and Yuuta just straight up goes “you will treat yourself (and others like you, such as Maki) with respect or i will punt you into the sun” and Toji’s just like. “oh.”

.

and now for The Boy Who Leapt Through Time AU !!

obviously Yuuta has latched onto the kids and sworn to protect them. on the one hand, of course, it’s painful to look at them and remember the people he knew and lost, and the time he spends with them keeps on twisting the knife of his trauma. on the other, he refuses to make his own issues something other people have to worry about, and part of what protecting the kids means to him, is hiding his pain from them

he will do anything for their sake. anything

Toji’s relationship with Megumi at that time is pretty complex. Toji’s at his lowest point by then, and while he does love Megumi and wants the best for him, he’s also very aware that like. he fucking sucks as a parent. and there’s probably a part of him that resents having a kid, because life would be easier if Megumi wasn’t around. if Tsumiki hadn’t called him, there’s honestly a good chance he wouldn’t have gone home at all that day

and of course, he doesn’t believe a “monkey” such as him could ever be the right person to raise a sorcerer

anyway it’s complicated. the way Tsumiki talked to him on the phone, it made Toji believe he was needed, and that’s why he came back (also because his wife bailed). but then the small fight over juice made Megumi spill out all of his grievances to Toji, because he’s a child and he needs his dad and Toji has been pretty awful at being there for him up until now, and now Toji thinks he was wrong and actually Megumi would be better off without him

they both suffer from “i will die if i tell my loved ones i care about them” disease, and it sucks. but also one of them is fucking 4 years old and deserves some slack on that front

on the Toji and Yuuta front... Yuuta’s first thoughts about Toji were that he is dangerous, and also a jackass. but also Yuuta is thankful to Toji for picking him up and more or less saving his life (because seriously, who knows what the College would do with a Special Grade who says he comes from the future and has fucking unreal levels of cursed energy)

anyway he has now realized that Toji has some Fucken Issues, some of which he recognizes from personal experience. like, the low self-esteem, the isolation, the disbelief at anyone being nice to him ? yeah Yuuta, who was haunted by Rika-chan for 6 years, and was also bullied, is familiar with that

so of course he wants to help, as a way to thank Toji, and for the kids’ sake. especially Megumi’s, since he’s seen what abandonment issues have done to the Megumi he knew. he doesn’t really know how to go about it, though

Toji doesn’t really know what to make of Yuuta. he’s a sorcerer, and stupidly strong at that, but he acts... weak. right up until he doesn’t. he’s also scary good at lying and smiling in front of the kids, right up until he can be on his own to have a breakdown. he also thanked Toji for something Toji did mostly for his own sake, and it’s... Toji doesn’t know what to make of that either

well, they only really met like today, so. they’re gonna figure each other out and what to do about their situation eventually, for better or worse

[blue-kyber]

Things are very, very grim for me right now.

I'm hanging by a thread tied to a long-distance hope of finding a lawyer willing to take my case, and that I'll get hired at the place I interviewed at yesterday.

It's grim, because I've slipped so far behind in everything, all I can afford now is ramen. I eat free food from the restaurant (my job that I'm trying to leave due to them screwing me over so hard I'm IN this situation.)

Things in jeopardy/things I can no longer pay for:

Rent

Car insurance.

2 credit cards.

Traffic ticket that I'm fighting, because the reason is disgustingly stupid - everyone in Los Angeles does what I got pulled over for on the daily. Multiple times. They enter the left hand turn lane before the turn lane starts. I was off my medication at the time (again, problem getting it). This is what the "ADHD Tax" means, and why life with ADHD is more expensive.

Health insurance - which means no more mental health care. Which means no more prescriptions for ADHD medication and antidepressants.

ADHD meds. I've been off of them since the start of August. I either can't afford them, or they're not in stock. Even the generic version of Adderall is out.

Dental Insurance.

Spotify. I have to listen to ads now. An acceptable loss, however annoying.

Disney+ (to be honest, I dropped them before this due to them raising their prices.)

Filling my car's gas tank to Full. It costs me around $88. It lives perpetually on 1 - 2 gallons, so I'm having to keep putting in $10 every other day.

There goes getting a new mattress. I'll keep dealing with lower back pain and restless nights.

Paying the mechanic back for fixing my POS 20 year old car in June.

Paying my friend back $600, and my parents back $900 to help me cover rent in July.

My paychecks and what small tips I make anymore go directly toward the money pit that is rent that I can't afford anymore, food for myself and my cat, and gas for the car.

My biggest fears right now are not making my $1250 rent by Sept. 15th, not being able to pay that ticket (which you have to pay for and hope the court refunds it back after looking at the dispute paperwork), and not getting my ADHD meds. Without them, I've been making more mistakes, and being my old scattered self without any ability to focus on more than 1 thing, and not get important things done that need to be done.

TO SAVE MYSELF...

I am looking for other work.

I took a job every Saturday at my old work (which I didn't want to return to, but I'm desperate. There are REASONS why I left).

Selling my things on Ebay - which isn't going so well. I only sold 2 small things, made $40, but I only got $15 of it. The rest went to Ebay fees and shipping.

Entering writing contests with cash prizes. I haven't won anything.

Getting the odd lottery ticket praying to God for help. Haven't won anything. Not even my $2 back.

I sold my PS2 and some games for $50 and that $50 went to gas and food.

I got a Macy's card so I could get nice work pants for job interviews, and rebuild my credit back into the 700's. It's been driven down to 695, and I am not happy about that. I worked for years to get it back up out of the 400s. Now I owe Macy's $43 by the end of the month.

Now I'm considering donating plasma even if the last time I tried years ago...let's just say it didn't go well. I panicked, I almost blacked out, and I threw up. 3 nurses were around me.

Considering donating blood if they'll pay me for it.

Auditioning for audiobook narration jobs. Haven't landed any new gigs yet, and the one I'm working on is royalty share. Which = experience. No $$$.

I need $1250 by the 15th, and I don't know what else I can do to get it. Aside from starting an Only Fans for guys who like ugly women, cakes, or feet. I am seriously considering posting pictures of my ass and feet for money.

I'm a roller skater. I know I have nice legs and nice bakery. I just really, really, really don't want to have to sink that low. I already have horrible self esteem, body issues, and mental health issues.

I am physically alone through all of this. No partner, no significant other, no family nearby. It's just me having to fight through all of this to keep going alone.

AND ALL OF THIS.... Because my work retaliated against me in June, and continue to do so.

No one wants my voice. - a literal lifetime of training. No one wants my writing - same. Decades of training. Years devoted to a work that holds my soul ("Out There: The 1K"). My patreon failed horribly. No one wants my stuff. - Yes, it's all crap, because I can't afford expensive stuff. No one wants to hire me. - I haven't figured this one out yet. No law firm wants to help me. No one wants...

Me.

BUT I AM STILL TRYING.

I bought a bunch of potatoes today, and some spaghetti. My food for a while will be baked spuds and noodles. I'll get my protein through meat dishes at work.

My cat is amazing. :) She'll always have enough food and love. She's my emotional support companion. She's even registered. And she's saving me right now. All I need to do is look at her, and I can believe for a moment that things will be ok.

I'll get through this and keep a roof over our heads because of her. Because I love her. Because I'm terrified of living on the streets. Of being dropped like I never mattered despite how hard I work to be the best at my job, and a good person.

I know it'll be ok. I just have to follow the advice my MC was given:

"You're meant for something greater out there. Not down here with us in the dirt. But you have to look up. Keep your eyes on the horizon. Keep moving. Don't look back, and don't look down. You do that, and you'll find your way out. And when you do, I hope I'm there to see you break orbit."

That's Gregor's advice to a young Yune Darrak in my novel. Gregor was his first father figure. Yune holds that speech as part of what gets him through impossible times. He named his ship the Horizon after this speech, and in honor of Gregor, of how much he saved his life just by loving him.

I need to follow my own? advice.

I've been strong for months. But now, I really want to go sit in the shower and cry. Be right back.

[survey--s]

615.

Have you ever left your front door unlocked all night?  Our door locks automatically so it's not possible, but my parents did once and they got broken into - stole the car off the drive and my mum's handbag off the table. The car was found a few days later smashed into a wall.

Do you prefer cold or warm weather?  Around 18-20 degrees is perfect for me.

The last advertisement you saw: What was it advertising?  I have no idea, further education or something maybe?

Do you prefer bar or liquid soap?  Liquid.

Do you wear any perfumes / colognes on a regular basis?  I wear body spray everyday, yeah. My current one is vanilla scented.

Do you have high or low self esteem levels?  I think they're just pretty normal, to be honest.

When was the last time you listened to a song on repeat? What was the song?  It was Savage Daughter by Ekaterina but don't remember when, maybe last week sometime?

How do you feel about being in the house alone?  I absolutely love it, I find it really peaceful.

What was the last compliment you received?  I can't remember off the top of my head.

Do you like mint or orange flavored chocolate?  I like both but prefer mint.

How often do you get spots? Like, pimples?  Just around my period.

Do you believe that when your ears burn someone is talking about you?  Ha, no, but I remember my mum saying that all the time when I was younger.

Are you a good host when visitors come over or do you wish they’d leave? I mean, I only have visitors over when they've been invited so of course I'm polite and host them properly.

When was the last time you burnt your mouth from eating something too hot?  I don't remember.

What is your favorite foreign language to listen to? (In music or speech)  French.

Do you prefer instrumental songs or ones with lyrics?  Ones with lyrics. I'm really not a massive fan of instrumental music unless it's being played as part of a soundtrack.

Name something simple that makes you happy.  Iced coffee.

What is your favorite instrument to listen to?  Piano or acoustic guitar.

Pick one: Books, movies or music?  I like all three.

Do you carry a bag around with you often? What does it look like?  Yeah, it's just a small black cross-body bag that can be converted to a bum bag when I'm at work.

Do you like your natural hair color?  Sure.

Do you delete your emails / texts often?  Yeah, I clean up my phone regularly and never keep stuff I don't need.

What was the last book you read about?  I haven't touched a book in about six months, honestly.

What color are the walls in the room you’re in?  Two are dark red and two are grey.

Did you dress up last Halloween? As what? No.

Do you have any old friends who you still kinda speak to but it’s awkward?  Yeah, I suppose so. I guess that's what happens when you grow up and life takes you in completely different directions.

Name one of your favorite memories.  Our wedding day.

Are you a polite person?  Yes, when I have to be.

When was the last time you used a quote from a movie in real life? Earlier on today, I think.

Have you ever used a chat-up line that actually worked?  Nope. Not seriously, anyway.

Can you put your legs behind your head?  No. I have joint issues in my back and hips.

Do you forget things easily? Nope, I have the opposite problem.

The last song you listened to: Did it have a male or female vocalist?  Female.

Is the heating on in your house currently?  No, though it is starting to get colder especially in the evenings. We generally don't put the heating on until October/November though as it just costs so much money. We do have the fire but Mike was looking up the cost of coal yesterday and it's practically tripled haha.

Do you often find toothpaste too minty?  Not really. I did when I was younger, though.

Have you ever had braces? Do you need them?  No. My bottom teeth are a bit overcrowded but honestly it doesn't make any difference to my life.

Are you a subscriber to any magazines? Which?  No.

What does your voice sound like? (Loud, quiet, high pitched, etc)  Fairly quiet and I have a bit of a lisp.

[just-scarecrow-thoughts]

I posted 42,155 times in 2022

That's 11,194 more posts than 2021!

559 posts created (1%)

41,596 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@araccoonthatlikesmurder

@letsstartafamilywellinvitewelove

@godmodebeginswithlesbians

@kingscrown666

@ball-lightning

I tagged 4,040 of my posts in 2022

#bis's treasure pile - 168 posts

#bis rants - 130 posts

#blorbovsky blorbobov - 128 posts

#assorted blorbovosky's - 85 posts

#art gallery in the galley to the left and up the stairs - 57 posts

#there i go adopting another blorbo again - 38 posts

#self reblog for self esteem - 30 posts

#fuck - 19 posts

#oh wow - 17 posts

#oh - 16 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#for real though i'm sorry. i'll do my best to interact with any further of your art posts and will be going further down the line to engage

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

*boop* hehe!

The metal of the helmet is warm to the touch, as if warmed by a forge, and it appears incredibly flummoxed despite a complete lack of face or expression in the first place.

They curiously peer down at you, as if expecting an explanation, but they aren't hostile.

88 notes - Posted June 16, 2022

#4

Are you joining the skeleton war? If so you should join the fungal rebellion!

-@just-mushroom-thoughts

What are you rebelling against, exactly?

163 notes - Posted November 20, 2022

#3

hey hey hey

Reblog this to appoint the previous reblog-ee as a lord of something of your choosing

259 notes - Posted September 23, 2022

#2

oh fuck it's The Urge again

289 notes - Posted February 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Skyrim Questions

If this were a drinking contest and I had to take a shot for every time the word "Dragonborn" was mentioned in this post, my liver would deteriorate on the spot.

Feel free to answer via reblog or notes.

--------------------------------------------------

What's your Dragonborn's race?

Dragonborn's preferred weapon and fighting style?

Where was your Dragonborn born? In Skyrim, Tamriel, or someplace else?

What are your Dragonborn's philosophies, mantras, codes of honor and the like? How steadfast are they in these beliefs? How do they influence their interactions with the world?

Dragonborn's favorite province and Dragonborn's least favorite province?

Does your Dragonborn favor melee, ranged weapons or magic? A mix of all three, or maybe none?

Dragonborn's preferred school of magic? How good are they at it?

Is your Dragonborn religious? Who's their favored god/god/pantheon?

Dragonborn's name and the meaning behind it?

Has your dragonborn ever been cursed? If so, what is the nature of it?

Does your Dragonborn prefer land, sea, or air?

What is your Dragonborn's occupation, be it current or otherwise?

Does your Dragonborn have any hobbies? Are they particularly attached to any of them?

How is your Dragonborn perceived by the rest of Skyrim and Tamriel?

Imperials or Stormcloaks? Neither? Both? Where do their allegiances lie, if they have any? Are they blatant, or subtle?

How many factions is your Dragonborn in? How would you describe their ties to them?

How would you describe your Dragonborn's personality?

Did your Dragonborn want to be Dragonborn? Are they a reluctant, begrudging hero, a jaded and bitter hero, or a stars-in-their-eyes "This is my destiny!" hero? Are they a hero at all?

If your Dragonborn didn't want to be Dragonborn, what would they have rather been?

How does your Dragonborn view all the different factions of Skyrim?

Is your Dragonborn stealthy, "Stealthy" or loud?

How competent are they, be it in general life or other?

When your Dragonborn dies, if they can, what will they leave behind? What will their legacy be?

How epic is the fight between all the gods vying for the Dragonborn's soul going to be?

Are there any items they have that are significant to them?

What flowers lie on your Dragonborn's final resting place, if there are any?

See the full post

596 notes - Posted July 29, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review

2 bloody years here. Wow. Glad I got the spend it all with y'all!

[raindropmage]

So uh... it's that time of the decade where I go through my "Keep Reading" posts where I was an absolute depressing sack of shit.

Update:

I graduated university with a Bachelor's of Science in Computer Science. A lot of family came to see me (including my best friend who flew down from Kansas in secret to surprise me).

I had written this past January about getting two internship interviews. I didn't get either one. The local internship was nice enough to let me know but I was pretty sure I wouldn't get it when they told me they would only be hiring one person. The second internship, however, I was 100% confident in. They didn't even let me know that I didn't get it, I found out when the internship started because uh... I would've been there if I got the job. Probably one of the biggest letdowns of the year. Nevertheless, I kept applying for everything I could find. Had maybe 3 or 4 programming-related interviews that I didn't get (suprise!).

My weight is at 206. There was a point where I was at my highest weight of 216. I had started a low-calorie diet back in August of 2022 and got down to 199. I was doing so well and then....

I got a new job. Unfortunately, not related to Computer Science but as an admin with Progressive that Emily gave me a referral for! They feed us at least twice a week and I get paid $19 an hour and being totally drained from learning a shit-ton, I ate out. Alot. Back to being over 206 but we'll get back down!

Even though I said that I got a new job, I'm still employed with HEB. My lead said that he would schedule me on weekends but he's only been scheduling me one day a week. Was salty at first but I'm actually blessed that he did that.

So with alot of new stuff happening, I looked back at a few posts from the past. I have new feelings about them that I feel like is worth addressing.

Moving on from work family is normal. I remember when leaving Popeyes, I felt like I was leaving behind a family. I would visit very often to say hi and would feel loved when they would greet me back with the same energy. I remember applying back and trying to work both at HEB and Popeyes. I made a post about regretting it wholeheartedly because of how it fucked with my self-esteem. The only thing worth it was that it motivated me to get together with my then-boyfriend, now-fiance. Other than that, I'm no longer connected with my past co-workers save for one or two. No ill feelings towards them but it was just time to move on. I should feel the same about HEB but I've grown so close to a few of them that I'm not quite ready to say good-bye for good. HEB is a whole different ball-game than Popeyes. You don't just leave behind a small crew, you leave behind people from all different departments. I wouldn't be leaving a family, I would be leaving a community. I'm slowly working up the courage to break free and accept that as close as I've grown with them, we probably won't hang out outside of work. ^^;

I see Ram from time-to-time. Maybe three or four times a year. I feel as if I tried too hard to be close with him. We definitely had a father-daughter relationship but not seeing each other as often definitely watered that relationship down. I would still often send him Happy Birthday texts but that's it. I saw a post from his daughter that he's going through back surgery. Might throw in a donation in the GoF*ndMe and wish him well. I do still miss him, but not enough to make an effort to see him.

Fuck Joel. Fuck Mariah. I have dreams about them sometimes where we reconcile but I've officially moved on. Joel was nice and such a good friend back then but I should've left him alone after he was deployed in the army and shouldn't have contacted his wife to ask for HER PERMISSION to be friends with a grown-ass man. Good riddance to the both of them.

I don't know a single person who still works at Popeyes except Ram (who works a good 20 miles away) so I have absolutely no ties with them anymore.

I was a stupid 20 year old who was attention-starved. A guy 7 years older showed interest in me for a good week and I was desperate to keep our interactions going. I should've gotten the hint and stopped messaging him. We sorta stayed friends afterwards but he's no longer active on Facebook and seems like he dropped off the internet.

The people who've been the nicest to me are the friends I cherish the most. Funny enough, when COVID hit, one of my group of friends made a discord so that we could still hang out and social distance and that was the most I've ever talked to them. They still come into town and ask if I'm down to hang and even though I'm not able to 70% of the time, I have the best time with them!

I originally planned on writing down more but I think thinking about all this has drained my brain so I'll probably come back to this at a later time. I need to end this nostalgia episode before it spirals too deep.

[cherry-shot]

i think im gonna end this blog — tumblr is no longer enjoyable for me

if by some reason you want to add me on discord or steam let me know on my inbox xoxo

THIS IS FOR ME WHEN I HABIT-OPEN THIS APP AGAIN SO I CAN START GRADUALLY LEAVING FOR GOOD AND SEE MY REASONING BEHIND THIS

I’ve been feeling lonely for almost 20 years, each year that passes by I feel lonelier and lonelier

I started this dumb blog bc it was interesting at the time, to see different people sharing a lot of art in the vast sense of the word and for some years I felt some connection to other pelple. But to be real: this is a platform aimed at young people and I’m no longer its target audience… most of my good friends have left long ago and I feel totally alienated here

It has become an echo chamber of people wanting to do the right thing in very wrong ways, where tons of toxic behaviors are being mindlessly encouraged without question.

Besides this site has become more comfortable with being transphobic assholes and I think it wouldn’t harm to just leave it empty to rot. This shit aint tiktok but still abuses the dopamine rush like all social media platforms, aiming to leave all social media is not a bad thing

This has left me feeling even more alienated and I just can’t handle it anymore.

Also people here have become too comfy bullying in general

So yeah, fuck this noise, if you can and want, keep your social media dependency to a minimum: this shit is made to destroy your self esteem and coping mechanisms

[molsons112000]

As you see, people with piercings and the more piercings they have and the more tattoos they have. It says more risk to individual health.

"Conclusions: Continuous attention to, and interest in, the increased incidence of tattooing and piercing are necessary, especially in terms of public interventions for health education and health promotion, as these forms of self-adornment are associated with behaviours that pose a risk to health."

National Institutes of Health (NIH) (.gov)

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov › pmc

Self-esteem, propensity for sensation seeking, and risk ...

by BK Hong · 2017 · Cited by 23 — In this study, respondents with tattoos and/or piercings were more likely to be women who were in their 20s

So the problem is with tattooing. In that and piercing, you're creating more scar tissue. The Bible warns you about desecrating the flesh. Now, this piece below talks about how scared tissue impedes circulatory actions of the body.

After a heart attack, the shock of the event leaves behind a trail of damaged heart muscle, which becomes a scar over time. However, the scar tissue doesn't have the elasticity and flexibility of healthy heart muscle, meaning there can be complications with pumping and transporting blood.Jan 13, 2023

https://www.sydney.edu.au › news

Scientists find way to heal scars left behind by heart attacks

So scar tissue impedes healing of the body and yourself.Imposing lots of added scar tissue upon the body...

ScienceDirect.com

https://www.sciencedirect.com › sca...

Scar Tissue - an overview

Scar tissue can be thought of as a physical structure made of collagen that is wound up tight and coiled in on itself like a rubber band that has been twisted ...

Missing: impede ‎| Show results with: impede

National Institutes of Health (NIH) (.gov)

https://www.nih.gov › news-events

Stopping scar tissue improves healing after heart attack in mice

Jul 21, 2020 — Testing showed that this scar tissue was more flexible than normal, allowing it to expand. This explains why it is worse at helping

Here is more into how scar tissue affects the body.

Marjorie Brook

https://www.marjoriebrook.com › ...

How Scar Tissue Affects the Body

Nov 23, 2020 — Additionally, it does not oxygenate well because the circulation is limited which limits the oxygen through the area. This causes a low (acidic)

National Institutes of Health (NIH) (.gov)

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov › NB...

Scar Formation: Cellular Mechanisms

by IA Darby · 2020 · Cited by 19 — The inflammatory phase begins with capillary damage, where blood loss results in a clot forming, which

National Institutes of Health (NIH) (.gov)

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov › pmc

Angiogenesis and wound repair: when enough is enough - PMC

by LA DiPietro · 2016 · Cited by 562 — Both the selective reduction of inflammation and the selective reduction of angiogenesis have now

This new device reduces damage in blood vessels. Maybe this can help reduce the damage from surgery to the circulatory system. And remember surgery we have to understand the nervous system as well as I cut my finger in half and this is like a surgeon cutting my finger open. When it healed and outer side of my thumb in my right hand I still have no neurological feeling... So think of when you do surgery on the body and you don't re attach the nerves. The nerves naturally may not regenerate Causing loss and feeling in that area. So it isn't as simple as cutting.Open the body and stitching it back up. You must reconnect everything on the way out.And that includes the nerves and circulatory.And now you can do micro surgery and reconnect Circulatory...

Northwestern University

https://www.mccormick.northwestern.edu › ...

New Device Reduces Scarring in Damaged Blood Vessels | News

Nov 20, 2014 — The device contains a form of vitamin A that controls inflammatory responses, preventing scar tissue formation and promoting wound healing.

Missing: capillaries ‎| Show results with: capillaries

Lumen Learning

https://courses.lumenlearning.com › ...

Tissue Injury and Aging | Anatomy and Physiology I

When a large amount of granulation tissue forms and capillaries disappear, a pale scar is often visible in the healed area. A primary union describes the ...

ScienceDirect.com

https://www.sciencedirect.com › sca...

Scar Tissue - an overview

Scar tissue can be thought of as a physical structure made of collagen that is wound up tight and coiled in on itself like a rubber band that has

So now they have to do micro surgery not like they used to cut it open and then stitch it back together that does not work... You need to re attach the nerves. Re attach the fiber correctly re attach the circulatory system.

So this is needed when you take out piercings. They need to re establishealthy tissue. Remove the scar tissue and re attach the circuitry and nervous system.

Microvascular reconstruction surgery is a procedure in which very small blood vessels are rejoined in order to restore blood flow to severed tissue. This advanced type of reconstructive surgery requires the use of a microscope and specialized surgical instruments.

https://www.kansashealthsystem.com › ...

Microvascular Reconstruction Surgery

People back then had no idea how much damage they were doing to the body..... Now you think we would be in an age of enlightenment and we understand not damaging the body.....

So I was looking at these girls with all these piercings and truly feeling sad for them..... They have no idea what they're doing to their body and it's not anything positive....

So we truly need an age of enlightenment where people stop doing these damaging actions.... And I hoe heartily, they believe in sports, but boxing, they have gloves and the gloves are supposed to be designed to wear.You don't break bones.You don't create bone bruises that really?It's a scoring match on points like in the olympics. I love good fights.... And this is where mixed martial arts like you FC.We need to get away from thinking of bleeding and knocking people out to really good fights...

Think of flying all the way the vegas and you get there and you're looking forward to seeing this great boxing match and you get in your seat and then all of a sudden they ring the bell and then the fight starts and then a minute into the fight the person's knocked out..... I remember I forgot who it was who stepped up to the heavy weight.He was a light heavy weight.Stepped up to the heavyweight first round.I'm looking forward to a great fight.And it gets knocked out in the first round. Like a minute into the first round.I'm like what the f***I planned.On watching this great action and now he's knocked out so to me.The knockouts i'm looking for a great competition where it goes all the way.... And then the TV people the big money is on the main event.Just like you FC and all of a sudden, you got like Gracie.He should have never been in the ring with the guy he fought.He was too old and that guy destroyed him and I felt horrible... Here's a guy I liked since I was a child he gets in the ring and he can't compete. And the person beats on him badly.... The fight should have never happened....

Part of fair competition is when another person stands a chance of winning. This is the thing they say any given Sunday in football. There's a long shot, but still there's a long shot, meaning there's still a slim possibility of them winning. But when I see these fights like Mike Tyson fights. I really didn't like them. I like Sugar Ray Leonard VS Thomas herns or sugar. Ray Leonard VS marvelous Marvin Hagler. These fights want the distance... And yes, the one where the Asian guy died against boom.BA Mancini that fight went all the way to the end.It was one of the greatest fights i've ever seen.... This Why I like jimmy connors and john.



Boxing Social

boxing-social.com

The Top 10 First Round Knockouts In Boxing History

Aug 14, 2017 — Mike Tyson KO 1 Marvis Frazier, Civic Centre, Glenn Falls, New York, July 26, 1986 ... Mike Tyson took a lot of fighters out in the opening .

[srlkiller]

ive realised that my self esteem & just general ‘sense of self’/love for myself is so awful & low.. horribly dependant & reliant on something or someONE else these days & i absolutely fucking loathe myself for ittttttt bc im beyond self aware.. yet ive jus never been loved my entire life by even my own parents to be shown that im worth a singular fuck so the bar is so low for humans… i seemingly will jus allow the fucking worst bc i guess subconsciously that’s what ive always been taught/shown/drilled into me by my parents to believe that i deserve? wen i know it’s not at all bc literally NO ONE deserves to be treated like shit by another human being. i have trouble saying the words no to other people. i have a lot of trouble just standing up for myself these days.. especially the lonelier i get, the more isolated i have become & older ive gotten. i found comfort in being alone & definitely got to know myself sm better.. then i went thru horrible shit all over again & lost myself completely.. all over again.. & haven’t been able to rebuild myself back up since then.. ive only gone downhill.. over & over & over. i know that I AM the only one that inevitably can help myself & save myself.. i have to do the work & put in the effort etc etc but it’s so hard with absolutely ZERRROOO support system of any kind & feeling like you have nothing & no one.. not one family member.. not one pet.. nothing at all anymore. everything has been ripped from me, taken by force or by death itself. I’ve been broken sm times but now that ive finally been able to let someone in again on some kind of romantic level.. im terrified.. so im letting them jus walk all over me which is the total opposite of who I am & everything i stand for, emulate as a woman & my whole fucking energy as a being. i don’t recognise myself at all so ive totally seperated myself from whoever this is.. the body, the mind.. the soul. i numb every feeling n thought i can.. whenever i can. but wow just having this huge surgery & putting my body under such duress & jeopardy was lowkey such a wake up call bc wtf?! IVE NEVER DONE NO SHIT LIKE FHIS BEFORE FOR ANYONE ELSE?!?! AND FOR WHAATTTT?!?! HE HAD THE PERF OPPORTUNITY TO DO EVERYTHING FHE RIGHT WAY N STILL FUXKED IT UP TO SATISFY HIS OWN SELFISH NEEDS.. so wtf am i doing? what am i doing risking myself for someone like that… i look stupid, feel stupid.. & could get left at any minute which would send me spiraling for someone who is quite frankly… not even close to what i need in a man or what ive ever wanted. im simply cheating myself out of a great self help story.. as i turn 29.. i reach my last year if my 20’s & I’ll b damned if i waste that shit on some young dumb n full of cum mf who doesn’t even give a fuck ab my health in any capacity who is probably lying n doing god knows what behind my back anyway… I seriously just need to put myself first.. just try.. I need to try. bc remember when I did? how proud I was? how it worked? it’s always worked. time to start writing goals n writing shit down again.. as we start approaching this date n it gets closer n closer.. on the 25/11/23 I’ll be 29 yall. it’s the 13/11/23 today. 11 days to get things in order. my goals don’t even need to be big I jus need to get things ‘in order’… ‘ready for 29’ sounds like a cool lil title.. as my bday is pretty much leading into the New Year anyway it’d b cool to get a lil head start on others too. like the needles into my head for alopecia which I have an appt for jus before my bday.. lashes n brows I have that appt for.. i needa get my actual hair done somehow.. before nye!! change my piercings to cold & possibly get another?! more tattoos!! coverup of the Drake matching one for sure. Look into studying pharmacology or some other career pathway course.. possibly something with units I’ve completed already at uni?? i need to write a list.. basically is what I’m saying as some things are more easy fix small goals that are appearance self care based, some are medium level, some are mental, some are spiritual, some are academic, some will take