#i like them. we talk about doctor who and we have a bunch of stuff in common

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam, could you please recommend any resources/websites to learn about ADHD medication? Until reading your post about second-line meds I thought Adderal was the only one

I can definitely talk about it a little! Always bearing in mind that I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice, etc. etc.

So, I've had many friends with ADHD in my life before I got my diagnosis and I picked up some stuff from them even before getting diagnosed; I also spoke with my prescribing psychiatrist about options when we met. If you think your psychiatrist might be resistant to discussing options, or you don't have one, doing your own research is good, but it's not really a substitute for a specialist in medication management. So it's also important to know what your needs are -- ie, "I want help with my executive function but I need something that's nonaddictive" or "I want something nonsedative" or "I don't think the treatment I'm on is working, what is available outside of this kind of medication?"

The problems you run into with researching medication for ADHD are threefold:

Most well-informed sources aren't actually geared towards non-doctor adults who just want to know what their options are -- they're usually either doctors who don't know how to talk about medication to non-doctors, or doctors (and parents) talking to parents about pediatric options.

A huge number of sites when you google are either AI-generated, covert ads for stimulant addiction rehab, or both.

Reliable sites with easy-to-understand information are not updated super often.

So you just kind of have to be really alert and read the "page" itself for context clues -- is it a science journal, is it an organization that helps people with ADHD, is it a doctor, is it a rehab clinic, is it a drug advertiser, is it a random site with a weird URL that's probably AI generated, etc.

So for example, ADDitude Magazine, which is kind of the pre-eminent clearinghouse for non-scholarly information on ADHD, is a great place to start, but when the research is clearly outlined it sometimes isn't up-to-date, and when it's up-to-date it's often a little impenetrable. They have an extensive library of podcast/webinars, and I started this particular research with this one, but his slides aren't super well-organized, he flips back and forth between chemical and brand name, and he doesn't always designate which is which. However, he does have a couple of slides that list off a bunch of medications, so I just put those into a spreadsheet, gleaned what I could from him, and then searched each medication. I did find a pretty good chart at WebMD that at least gives you the types and brand names fairly visibly. (Fwiw with the webinar, I definitely spent more time skimming the transcript than listening to him, auto transcription isn't GOOD but it is helpful in speeding through stuff like that.)

I think, functionally, there are four types of meds for ADHD, and the more popular ones often have several variations. Sometimes this is just for dosage purposes -- like, if you have trouble swallowing pills there are some meds that come in liquids or patches, so it's useful to learn the chemical name rather than the brand name, because then you can identify several "brands" that all use the same chemical and start to differentiate between them.

Top of the list you have your methylphenidate and your amphetamine, those are the two types of stimulant medications; the most well known brand names for these are Ritalin (methylphenidate) and Adderall (amphetamine).

Then there's the nonstimulant medications, SNRIs (Strattera, for example) and Alpha-2 Agonists (guanfacine and clonidine, brand names Kapvay and Intuniv; I'm looking at these for a second-line medication). There's some crossover between these and the next category:

Antidepressants are sometimes helpful with ADHD symptoms as well as being helpful for depression; I haven't looked at these much because for me they feel like the nuclear option, but it's Dopamine reuptake inhibitors like Wellbutrin and tricyclics like Tofranil. If you're researching these you don't need to look at like, every antidepressant ever, just look for ones that are specifically mentioned in context with ADHD.

Lastly there are what I call the Offlabels -- medications that we understand to have an impact on ADHD for some people, but which aren't generally prescribed very often, and sometimes aren't approved for use. I don't know much about these, either, because they tend to be for complex cases that don't respond to the usual scrips and are particularly difficult to research. The one I have in my notes is memantine (brand name Namenda) which is primarily a dementia medication that has shown to be particularly helpful for social cognition in people with combined Autism/ADHD.

So yeah -- hopefully that's a start for you, but as with everything online, don't take my word for it -- I'm also a lay person and may get stuff wrong, so this is just what I've found and kept in my notes. Your best bet truly is to find a psychiatrist specializing in ADHD medication management and discuss your options with them. Good luck!

[thewritetofreespeech]

Can I request an hold me back scenario with gojo, where someone is like being cruel to reader and gojo has to protect his soft girlfriend? Pretty please

Gojo sighed, long and loud, as he leaned back on the bench with his legs stretched out in front of him. “This is boooorring…..”

Gojo hated these co-academy events. ‘Goodwill Event’ his eye. There was no goodwill between any of them. Kyoto sucked, and was just a bunch of puffed shirts, and he couldn’t understand why they came all this way just to get their asses kicked.

Still, it was a nice break outside of classes.

“They’re gonna start soon.” Geto told him. Handing his best friend a melon soda, as sugar usually helped calm him down. “Would it kill you to be patient?”

“It might.” Gojo quipped back before sipping his soda. “You’re not a doctor.”

“No. I’m not. Speaking of, where’s Ieiri and [Y/N]?”

“They went to the bathroom I think?” Gojo replied. “Or something girl related like that.”

The Tokyo team this year was just the 4 of them. Which honestly meant it was just going to be the 2 of them. Gojo loved Ieiri and [Y/N] but their combat skills were no where near what his and Geto’s were. They were better at ‘behind the scenes’ stuff. Healing, cloaking, super sneaky stuff that was really of use to him because he always just smashed in since he was the strongest.

Still, he wasn’t worried about them against the curses they caught for the game. Nor anyone on the Kyoto team for that matter.

“Oh. There they are.” Geto commented dully as he saw girls faces come up over the hill. They had iced drinks. So they must have left and come back before the start of the ceremonies.

Just as they crested the stairs, however, a male blocked their path and started talking to them. Gojo didn’t recognize him. But based on his dumb, old-timey outfit he was wearing he figured he had to be from the Kyoto team.

The conversation goes on for a little while longer, before the man pushes into [Y/N]’s shoulders with two fingers. “Oy!” Gojo snapped. Jumping to his feet. Who the hell did they think they were touching [Y/N] like that?? They did it again and Gojo took a step forward before Geto caught him. “Let me go! You think I’m gonna let some goon touch [Y/N] like that!”

“If you kill him now, we’ll get disqualified.” Geto told him. Face pressed against his ear as he held him in a near choke hold.

“Like I care about that!”

The boys struggle for a moment longer. Gojo trying to break free and Geto desperately trying to hold him back from doing something stupid (like always), until they both stopped as the man suddenly fell to his knees with a groan of pain and the girls walked over to them. “What are you guys doing?”

“Trying to save Satoru from getting expelled.”

“What did that guy say to you?!” The boys reply over top of one another.

“I don’t know. Show of dominance I guess? I wasn’t really paying attention until he poked me. Which was just rude. I told him not to do it again and he did, then asked ‘what are you gonna do about it, so I kicked him in the balls.” [Y/N] took a sip of her drink before she added. “You really shouldn’t ‘assert dominance’ with your legs open like that.”

The boys flinch in sympathetic pain, then look over to the guy still on the ground, before they both laugh. “Well, I guess the Kyoto team is gonna be a man down, eh?”

“Let’s get going before we miss the opening ceremonies. Or he rallies and starts to pick a fight.”

“Trust me. No one is gonna ‘rally’ after a full kick from [Y/N].” Gojo replied. Before he linked hands with her and the 4 of them ran away.

Maybe it wasn’t going to be such a boring day after all.

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

ok so ive been rewatching psychoville and saw on the wikipedia that there were a bunch of websites made for the series (they were all written by reece and steve btw) which i've been looking through cos they are genuinely SO fucking funny & also just amazingly creative lol!

anyway i know people in the fandom probs already know about this (since the show came out literally 15 years ago pfft) but i thought i'd share some of my fav bits (but honestly would just recommend just checking them out if you haven't i have been crying with laughter for literally hours lol)

i will say that a lot of the media (videos, games, etc) no longer work on the archived sites rip but i'm sure people have uploaded some of the stuff (vids especially) to yt or other places lol

so a) i love that we get some background stuff on jelly and 2) 'captain CRACKERS' bernie clifton's dressing room reference question mark ??????? (ofc bcdr was AFTER this but i know love the idea that mr jelly trained under len pfft)

what that red raw stump do though 👀 (sorry pfffft)

mr jolly's website wasn't that interesting soz tho i did like him comparing being a doctor to being a clown lol

the comment about fag bears did make me wheeze i'm afraid lol i also loved the blurry photos of lomax's commodities lol (kinda reminded me of the bit in tlog w/ that terrible old photographer guy lol)

when i tell you i DIED with laughter at the 'now known as hull' bit like u just know reece wrote that bit pfft

not really a funny thing but this poem written by david honestly kinda breaks my heart lol... i think it also a lot of additional context to david's guilt when he thought he'd killed his father(faver) because perhaps he felt guilty about NOT feeling guilty you get me? like, it felt to me that when maureen told david it was SHE who killed her husband, it didn't feel like he was mad at her for doing it, but more that she kept the fact from him. it's about... the mutual oedipus-coded obsession with one another that couldn't even be destroyed in death and in this essay i will....

ghoul_lass23 is just like me but about tumblr lol fr

nothing feels more cursed than the phrases 'the river minge has burst its banks', 'crying creamy tears' and 'fleshy rapunzel' (which i've just noticed they misspelt lol... don't think that was intentional lol?) so if i had to read this so do you <3

the way that i kinda wish this actually existed tho pfft... also, it does kinda remind me of that video where jenny nicholson talked about that insane reality show 'opposite worlds' lol

'cross between seven and glee' is honestly sending me pfft

also on this part there was a script from stinkfinger (which is a show mentioned on the show) which sounded suspiciously like a reference to tlc lol

the less said about swastknickers the better

(will say i did nearly piss myself laughing at the nazi section of the hoity toity website lol which wasn't a sentence i thought i'd type today lol)

i just love these kinds of jokes pfft

also the whole biography sections of each of the pantomime cast are fab lol tho i AM kinda pissed they made debbie from yeovil and yet didn't give her a west country accent lol!!! (i guess they thought it'd be a bit much w/ joy being bristolian but i'm still mad about it lol)

also i know people have probably already pointed this out but i do find it funny that brian in the in9 episode last night of the proms is a closeted gay guy who likes watching drag was probably a reference to brian in this show that was a drag queen like... is anything these guys do NOT a reference??? u know those gaylor fans who obsessively look for clues in her songs about her apparent secret sexuality? all i'm saying is that i think they'd really like the extended reece shearsmith & steve pemberton universe pfft

all three of these made me cry with laughter lol

ohh this is interesting lol so obviously they suspected that some people might be all 'um why didn't the sprinklers go off during the fire at ravenhill? plot hole much!' so they wrote this into one of the websites so they could be like SEE! WE'RE ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU DUMBASSES lol

both the jeremy kyle reference (remember when that was a thing? yikes... my mum used to watch his show CONSTANTLY...) and nurse kenshington's thoughts on david and maureen are interesting lol.. also there's a reference to the serial killer top trumps in this bit lol! (do people still play top trumps?? man i LOVED top trumps lol...)

the entire sunnyvale care home section is so fucking funny (both the website AND in the show lol mrs wren/mrs ladybird face is unironically probably my favourite character on the entire show) these were just some of my fav gags lol...

ok but why is this the SECOND reference to a guy punching a child who was apparently looking at his dick lol!??!! did this happen to one of you ??!!?!? reece did you punch a child ??!???!?!??

&&&& that's it lol

there were a few websites i didn't spend long on or generally weren't that interesting (coughmidgetgemscough) but honestly? i was really captivated with just how funny and well put together all these sites were! you can tell they had a lot of fun making it and i'm sure fans at the time LOVED being able to have this semi-interactive element of the show lol

there was just something so wonderfully late 00's about these websites lol i genuinely don't think i've laughed this much at anything in literal months and all of this is just solidifies that psychoville is a criminally under-appreciated masterpiece lol

[langernameohnebedeutung]

just thinking about how in early season 5, when Wilson is gone and House tries to hit up this other doctor at the cafeteria to become his new best friend - and that guy is like "you know I'm not gay, right?"

-now, unless that dude started working there yesterday, he definitely knows about the events of the s4 season finale, Wilson leaving etc. And we can fairly assume he's not new, considering that House actually learnt and remembered his name at some point. He also very likely knows Wilson's reputation as the only person in the hospital who is really genuinely close to House, and in vague terms probably also stuff like the fact that they always have lunch together etc (we know other characters know those things about them) and likely also the other stuff, like the great big prescription drama from season 3 etc etc etc.

So with the cues House gives him and questions he asks (Monstertrucks, drugs, watching soaps with him - stuff that he famously does a lot with Wilson, even around the hospital) as well as the timing (now that Wilson has left, the resident diagnostics cryptid starts talking to you???) etc, it is actually really obvious that House is trying to find a "substitute" for Wilson.

So where I'm going with this is - when he tells House that he's not gay, odds are, that's not coming from a place of "oh, this random guy sat down at lunch with me and started asking me a bunch of personal questions so he might be into me" - odds are, he's saying it specifically from a place of "This is House trying to find a "new" Wilson (so I better tell him I'm not into men) which means his underlying assumption about House and Wilson is that-"

[rae-pottah]

I Just Stood There.

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Rossi's daughter! reader

Y/n = your name

L/n = your last name

Warnings: she/her pronouns, shitty writing?,fluff.

Summary: after embarrassing herself in front of her crush, Y/n rants to Penelope, bad idea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Y/n's POV*

Hanging out with my dad's coworkers was fun. Except when it came to my tiny little small incy weenie crush on Dr. Spencer Reid... And I think everyone knows...

⏪⏪⏪⏪⏪

Meeting the BAU team was a blast! I had been coming by to see my dad, seeing as how we don't spend much time together anymore.

First I bumped into SSA Derek Morgan, and Tech nerd Penelope Garcia:

"He-llo, momma!" said Morgan

"Don't scare her away already hot stuff!" Penelope hit his arm "Hi honey bunches, I'm Penelope, this is Derek, who are you? Are you a newbie?"

"Haha! No, I'm Y/n, I'm here to see my father!" I laugh, they looked confused

Next, SSA Jennifer Jareau (otherwise known as JJ) and SSA Emily Prentiss

"Who's this?" JJ asks Garcia

"This is Y/n, she's here to see her father!" Garcia tells her, confused. None of them letting me speak JJ asks

"Who's her father?" With a confused face as well

"Wh-" Garcia starts to ask me a question when my Father, and Uncle Aaron walked in

"UNCLE AARON!" I ran up to him and jump hugged him

I could see my dad off to the side holding his arms open with a playful confused/hurt look on his face, looking from side to side

"No hug for dear old dad, no sirey, just here for the money" he said sarcastically to no one

"Glad you know" I joked, and gave him a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek

"So I have lunch I was hoppiii-" I stuttered off as I watched a beautiful man, a genius, a fluffy haired, angelic, smart, kind man walk by me, his name

Doctor Spencer fuckin Reid

"Aaand she's gone" my dad said bringing me back to reality, now noticing everyone smiling at me, him not even noticing I'm here put his stuff down at his desk

"Wwwhat his papers are insanely good" I whispered looking at my shoes

"Well, I'd still like to know what the hell is going on?!" Morgan asks

"This is one of my daughters from my second marriage" he finishes the sentence with a kiss to my head

"Also I already knew your names, my father has prepared me well" I laughed

"Huh and I guess you know pretty boy?" Morgan asks with a smirk, still working at his desk (I'd have to meet him later) I nodded quickly with a blush

"I think she knows him more than she knows any of you, and she's actually met you guys now" my father answers, while everyone starts "oouu" -ing and laughing, I just blushed with my head down

⏩⏩⏩⏩⏩

I eventually met Spencer when everyone came to our house for a cook out, walking backward with a chair isn't a good idea when you can't see behind you.

"OUFF" hit a wall, wait... walls don't make noises

I put the chair down and turn around "OH MY GoD, Im So SorRy" my voice cracked as I spoke to the man in front of me "Are you okay?" I asked

"Haha yeah I'm fine, it was my fault anyway, I wasn't looking where I was going. You're Y/n right?" I instantly blushed

"y-yeah I am, Doctor Spencer Reid, if I'm not incorrect?"

"yes!" He smiled, absolutely beautiful. He helped me move the chair and we talked slightly, me stuttering the entire time.

⏭️⏭️⏭️⏭️⏭️

Again visiting my father at work, today was gonna be a good day.

I was getting ready to turn the corner to my fathers office when I ran into someone

"Sor- oh hi" it's like his ears were hurting, why do I have to run into you while I'm thinking about what a domesticated you would look like

"Hi, how are you?" He must have just woke up because his voice was deep as hell, and he had dark circles under his beautiful brown eyes

"-hi-" I couldn't think of anything else to say, I walked away quickly

"Hey can we go for lunch?" I asked my dad quickly

"Sorry kid, we got a case" disappointing but at least I can talk to Garcia alone (we've become good friends)

A while after they left:

I just walked straight into Garcia's office

"I SAID HI, TWICE" I said terrified

"Woah woah woah, what are we flipping out about" she looked very concerned

"I said hi twice! We bumped into each other and I said 'oh hi' and he said 'hi, how are you?' And I JUST SAID HI AGAIN?! WHY DOES HE HAVE TO REDUCE MY IQ TO 3?!"

"Wai- you mea-" I cut her off

"Spencer! Yes! Duh! Why does he have to be so hot and smart and adorable, I mean have you read his paper on quantum physics?! Only a perfect man could be that smart and THAT HOT!" I flopped on the couch in her bat cave

"Okay, baby doll, please don't be mad at me, I tried to tell you!" Only then did I look down to see the little red light being produced from the phone

"No."

"Yes." She said in a sorry voice

"Who are you on the phone with?" I asked nervously

"Oh! Actually hotch!"

"I'm not afraid to remove your knee caps Uncle Aaron." I said dangerously

"I'll help her hide the body!" Garcia shouted

"Ha.Ha. you want the bad news or good news?"

We stayed quiet

"Okay bad news is, the entire time Garcia's been on speaker, including the time that you ranted about boy genius, also bad news I'm sitting around everyone"

I could have cried until he said

"Good news is, is he can't stop smiling"

"EA" I let out a small yelp from Garcia nudging me and the information.

"You'll have to wait till we get back to ask her out, Rossi quit death staring him, you already knew, here's your fifty"

I ran out of the room and home, soon enough a couple days later there was a knock at my apartment door

[issdisgrace]

IT'S KINDA A LONG STORY

WARNINGS: None

A/N: This takes place in 2017, character is 28.

“You know you’ve been with us for 6 months and I don’t think you proper told us about how you started hunting.” Sam says, closing his computer. 

“Well, my grandpa was a hunter, so my father became a hunter. Then I decided to continue the family tradition and become a hunter.”

“Cool. How was your childhood? Mine and Sammy’s were fucked, to say the least? Went long periods in hotels. I had to steal food and a bunch of other shit.” Dean says.

“It was a mixed bag. It’s kinda a long story.” I say, sitting up on the bed. 

“We have time.” Sam says.

“Alright, strap in, I guess. As you guys know, I was born in ‘89. My mom got pregnant with me when she was 16 and.

"Had me a month after she turned 17 on my dad’s 17th birthday. My mom came from a very religious family, like super religious, and her getting pregnant with me got her kicked out. My grandma and grandpa let my mom move in. From what I heard, those months were good. My dad was working while trying to finish school while my mom dropped out of school. Mom helped grandma and grandpa with the stuff around the house. When my mom was 8 months and on some odd days with me, she went into labor. She was rushed to the hospital in the town over and had me around 11:45 pm. There were a couple of problems with me since I was premature, but the doctor got everything under control and after a week, I was able to go home. 

Anyway, when I was 2, my mom and dad got married. My first memory was Christmas ‘94. I remember opening a fairy princess set. It was nice at the time, but looking back now, it was very cheaply made. But fast forward to my 8th birthday, 97. I remember we had dinner and my father unwrapped his presents first, being older than I got to open mine. I had got nothing but dresses. I remember I broke out crying then when my mom and dad tried to comfort me I yelled that I didn’t want to be a girl, then ran upstairs and hid in my room. A couple of minutes later, my dad came up and entered my room. He just sat on the bed and talked to me while I was hide telling me that there wasn’t nothing wrong with wanting to be a boy and if I wanted to I could. I crawled out from underneath my bed and sat with him. He held me as I cried and we talked. It started with, is this how you really feel? How long have you been feeling this way? Would it make me happier to be a boy? I told him, It was about 6 when I realized didn’t want to be a girl, that I hated the long hair and dresses, and didn’t like my given name. We talked until it was time for me to go to bed. My dad tucked me in and stayed with me until I feel asleep. I must have been asleep no longer than a half an hour when I was woken up by yelling from downstairs. I could hear my mom yelling at my dad, saying I can’t just be a boy and that it’s just a phase. I remember hearing my dad tell her, so what if it is I have to figure out who I am and who I want to be? I just layed their crying while listening to the yelling and ended up crying myself asleep. 

The next day, things were tense, to say the least that I can remember. My grandma and grandpa talked to me after the very tense breakfast and asked if I wanted to go by something else. At that time, I didn’t know. They suggest names, even pulled out baby name books, and we looked through them. But I didn’t find a name that I liked so they were suggesting different names off the top of their head and I decide on Y/n after my mom’s brother, my uncle who is most definitely the funnest coolest person I have ever known. I remember the first time he came to visit after I came out and by then I had gotten my hair cut and a new wardrobe. I had told him that I was a boy and that my new name was Y/n. He was super chill about the absolute opposite of my mother, despite coming from the same background. And their one out he called me his mini me.

So fast forward to 99 I’m 10. My mom decide to get me nail polish and make up for my birthday. I was first upset, but that black nail polish called me and I painted them. They looked pretty good, and it made me feel masculine. After I was done with my nails and they were tried and I went downstairs to show my grandma and grandpa. They were in the living room and so was my mom. I show them and my mother butted in by asking if I was finally done with this phase and finally being a girl. I was so upset. I just ran out of the house. I ran into the woods and climbed a top of tree. I was close enough to the house that I could hear my grandparents and mother getting into a screaming match. They yelled at her for 30 minutes, then they came out to find me, but I stayed silent while I cried and they didn’t find me. They looked for another half an hour for me before my father came home from his hunt he left on a couple day prior. They rushed to meet him in the driveway and they told my father what had happened. 

And then there comes my mom came out of the house to yell about the whole thing again, saying that she wasn’t going to feed into the delusion and that I needed to start acting like a girl. Shit escalated and my dad yelled that he wanted a divorce and to get the fuck out of the house by morning. Then when things died down, my dad came and found me and I climbed down from the tree and he tried to comfort me. But i just kept crying and eventually I tired myself out and fell asleep. He carried me in and I woke up in my bed the next morning hearing loud crying coming from my mom. She tried to guilt trip and have my dad take her back. But it failed and eventually my uncle arrived and got my mom and her stuff and then she wasn’t in my life. Which in all this my uncle stood beside us, but he did help my mom because of the whole family thing. Anyway, my mom wasn’t completely out of my life. She would leave letters in the mailbox condemning me every couple of weeks.

So then fast forward to when I was 14. I was home alone. When I heard a car pull up. I went downstairs and opened the door and here comes my mom and her boyfriend. I knew something was wrong and quickly closed and locked the door. They started banging on the door and my mom was yelling how she could fix and that I didn’t have to pretend anymore. I called the police and hid in my closet. Listening to the banging. After a couple minutes, I hear two cruisers pull, then a commotion. Then eventually the commotion was over and I heard my name called out by the cop saying it was safe. I realized it was my friends Chris’ dad, John.

I got out of hiding and went downstair and the front door was totaled. It was on the verge of breaking. So I go outside they got my mom and her boyfriend in separate cruiser. John and the other officer, Charlie, made sure I was ok. They got another cop to come out and take my mom from John’s cruiser so John could stay with me. He did, and eventually my dad and grandparents showed up. We pressed charges, they both ended up getting 4 years. And that is the last thing I know about the whereabout of my mom. After that whole situation, my dad and grandpa taught me self defiance, which turned into teaching me how to hunt. 

Then when I was about 18, my grandparents go into a pile up caused by a drunk driver and died. It was really tough around then and I threw myself into my shitty waiter job at the local diner. Made decent money and got good tips. With the saved money, I got myself a car with my dad’s help and started traveling, doing hunts. Stayed in contact with dad through this time and still do. He ended up getting close to John after his wife divorced him and they fell for each other. They got married last year, which I attended their wedding, then I took a break from hunting. Then a couple of months ago I started back up my. band, that’s when I met you guys and here we are.”

“Damn sorry about the whole transphobic mom and grandparents thing.” Sam says.

“Eh, I got over it.”

“Pretty hard stuff to get over,” Dean adds in.

“Yeah, I went to a lot of therapy to get myself to this point.”

“Glad it went well for you. Therapists can be tricky. Some help and some don’t.” Sam said.

“I got paired with a pretty good one. Anyway, don’t mean to switch topics, but how does food sound to you guys because all that talking got me hungry?”

“Yes, I love the way you think.” Dean says.

“There’s a diner just down the road we can go there.” Sam says.

“Sounds good to me.”

[a-killer-obsession]

🔞 Minors DNI 🔞

A search for a rumored Vegapunk weapon leads the Kid Pirates to an unexpected new crewmate, with a bloodlust that rivals their own and an incredible power.

CW: Please check AO3 for all current warnings, but general warning for smut, slow burn, serious gore, and really dark themes. AFAB reader, she/her pronouns.

Masterlist || AO3 || Chapter 1

Chapter 36 - Breaking Point, Side A

Tensions flare in the aftermath of a traumatic night.

Word Count: ~3.5k

Taglist: @h0n3y-l3m0n05 @tremendoushorsepatrolgoth @iggy5055 @eyes-ofhell

Dawn's crying woke you both up only a few hours later, Heat quick to urge you to rest and collecting her from the crib. You sat up, knowing full well she was probably hungry. You didn't know how old she was but you guessed only a few months, she probably wanted to feed every four or so hours. Your breasts were aching for release anyway, now that they had been drained once it felt like your body was kicking into overdrive, your breasts noticeably heavier and firmer than they had been the last few days. Maybe this is what the books meant when they talked about your milk coming in. Either way, you were just as eager to feed her as she was to eat, her cries making your breasts leak and wet your shirt. You held your hands out for her and Heat lowered her to you carefully, as her little arms escaped from the swaddle and refused to let go of his finger.

She was quick to latch again, and you could see now in the daylight that her eyes were a sparkling blue. It hurt, with the blonde puff of hair and blue eyes she looked the way you imagined your own baby might have. Come to think of it, you hadn't even named him. You couldn't afford to dwell on it now, there was a very much alive orphaned little girl currently on your breast who needed you to keep your head. So young and yet she'd already been through so much. Heat watched with fascination as she made small squeaking sounds and kept his finger in a surprisingly strong grasp, forcing him to cuddle up against you, not that either of you minded. You let yourself rest against him, his free hand squirming its way behind you to wrap around your waist, giving in to the fantasy that this was your little family. That nothing traumatic had led to this strange situation, this was entirely normal and comforting, before the stress of reality reared its ugly head.

“What are we gonna do Heat?” You sighed.

“I'm gonna go out and grab a bunch of stuff as soon as you're okay with me heading out,” he replied, “whatever you need, I'll get it”

“My mask,” you pouted, “it's back on the ship”

“I'll get it,” he clenched his teeth, “you just stay here and rest, just focus on yourself and Dawn, I'm gonna take care of both of you don't worry about anything. The doctors said you need to be on bedrest for at least a week, after last night I'm enforcing that. You're not lifting a finger till you're recovered”

Together you made a list of everything you thought you needed, and against his desires he left to fetch them, putting a very milk drunk Dawn back in the crib before heading out, leaving you to get a little more much needed sleep. He decided to do the hardest part first, heading back to the Victoria to grab your mask. He hoped everyone would be asleep as it was still very early morning. He sauntered up the gangplank as quietly as he could and head underdeck to the infirmary where he'd last seen your mask, after Mohawk removed it during your operation. Thankfully it was still sitting in place on the back counter, a little blood on it still but otherwise unharmed.

“You wanna explain where the fuck you were going with my girlfriend and packed bags last night?” An aggressive baritone came from behind him. He turned to the masked first mate, a scowl on his face as he used his height to feign confidence over the shorter blond.

“She's not your girlfriend, or did Kid not pass on the message?” Heat spat back at him, “she said, and I quote, ‘he and I are over, we're done’. You pushed her too far Killer, she's done with you hurting her”

“Me? Hurting her?” He let out a laugh, a genuine unhindered one that threw Heat back in surprise. “She killed my fucking baby, she should have fucking listened when I told her it was too dangerous”

“A marine killed your baby Killer,” Heat yelled, surprise quickly overruled by anger, “her baby, that she grew and nurtured and could feel inside her. A baby you didn't even plan on having! You're not the only one grieving, you're just the only selfish prick acting like it's all about you. Hasn't she fucking been through enough? She delivered her own fucking dead baby in the middle of a battle and you won't even look at her. She needed you and you fucking abandoned her, just like you always do! It took her so long to let you back in after your last fuck up and in the blink of an eye you managed to fuck it all up again”

Killer punched Heat hard, his jaw making an audible click as his face was forced sideways. If he was anyone else he might have been sent flying, but he was just as strong as the blond, bodying the hit like it was nothing. He turned his head back to Killer and grabbed a fist full of his shirt, raising him off the ground like he weighed nothing.

“You want a baby so fucking bad? Go knock some whore up,” Heat spat, “because apparently that's all she was to you. Just a fucking broodmare. She'll never carry another child again, so you better go get to work finding a new incubator cos she can't do it anymore. Did you ever even love her or was she just convenient? Just a quick way to get what you wanted?”

“Of course I loved her!” Killer shouted as he forced his way out of Heat's grasp, “love her” he corrected himself.

“Then fucking act like it,” Heat shoved him hard, Killer's back connecting with a infirmary cot. “She spent the last three days waiting for you to man up and go to her, and instead you just sat around here twirling your hair and acting like the whole world is against you. Pull your fucking head out of your ass Killer. She just went through something traumatic and you're too busy grieving the dead to see the living. You know where Wire found her last night? On the edge of a fucking cliff. Getting ready to fucking jump. You did that, you drove her to think shes worth so little that she'd be better off dead, her death would have been blood on your hands Killer”

“She… I didn't know,” he said quietly, mask tilted away, unable to look at Heat for the shame he felt.

“Of course you didn't, because you haven't fucking talked to her,” Heat growled, “if you had then you'd know how fucking torn up she is, how much she's blaming herself. She thinks you only loved her because of the baby. You know what she said to me when she woke up in the infirmary, after your stroppy ass stormed out without even looking at her? She said tell him I'll make him another one, you should have seen the heartbreak on her face when I told her she couldn't, because she thinks the only reason you want her is to make babies. She'd just lost her baby, fought for her life after almost bleeding to death, and found out she'd never carry another child, and all she was thinking about was you, how disappointed you'd be with her. It's fucked Killer, you're fucked for putting those thoughts in her head. All you had to do was fucking be there for her, but you were too fucking selfish to do the bare fucking minimum”

Killer slumped down against the cot and put his head between his knees. A harsh sob came from him, but Heat didn't have it in him to comfort him, he didn't deserve comfort, not after the hurt he'd inflicted on the woman Heat loves. The firebreather gave him a tsk and started rummaging in the cabinets for pain medication for you, knowing you were still physically hurting immensely even if you didn't say it when you made the list.

“I'll… I'll do better,” Killer cried.

“That's what you told her last time,” Heat scorned.

“I didn't mean to shut her out, I just… I needed someone to blame,” he said sadly.

“Then blame the fucking marines! Don't go blaming her! She didn't do shit!” Heat yelled, “and for the fucking record, it could have happened outside of battle anyway, its not uncommon. Would you still have blamed her then, or would you finally have some fucking sympathy? How much does she have to suffer before you decide she's worthy of your comfort?”

“Where is she?” Killer asked.

“None of your fucking business,” Heat growled. “You and Kid have three days to apologise and grovel before the log pose resets, otherwise you're sailing away without the three of us. You wanna talk, you talk to me, I have my mini den-den, you're not getting near her till I say you can”

“Three?” Killer asked.

“They didn't tell you shit did they?” Heat half laughed, “she went to that cliff to kill herself, but instead some lady with the same idea handed her a baby and jumped”

“I… I saw it last night… I thought it was a ghost,” Killer's eyes were wide with surprise under the mask. He'd seen the small bundle, asleep in your arms, but it hadn't made any sense so he'd chalked it up to a mania induced hallucination.

“Yeah well, she's keeping it, but not on this ship, not after what Kid said,” Heat scorned.

“What did Kid say?”

“He called her a worthless whore and a life ruiner,” Heat tutted as he gathered some shit in a plastic bag, “real nice stuff to someone who just lost her baby and was forcibly sterilised, like we hadn't just found her trying to kill herself”

“I wanna talk to her,” Killer grabbed Heat's pants as he walked past. Heat kicked his hand away and kept moving.

“Too fucking bad, she's busy and she's tired and she doesn't want shit to do with you,” Heat replied coldly.

Killer watched Heat move as a realisation dawned on him. Heat had never spoken to him or Kid like this, the man was usually obedient and loyal, more akin to a puppy than the territorial wolf he was being right now. “You love her, don't you?”

“So what if I do?” Heat replied, “even if she never loves me back, I would never hurt her the way you have. She deserves better.”

“Oh, and you're better?” He scoffed.

“Well Killer, I didn't fucking leave her to mourn on her own after she lost her baby,” Heat spat, “in fact, I was the one there for her, every second I could be. I'm the one who was with her every minute I could be for the last three days, when all she wanted was her so-called loving boyfriend. So yeah, I'd say I can do better. I am doing better. I'm picking up your fucking mess but I'll do it happily because she means the fucking world to me.”

“So what, you're just gonna go play house with her and some stranger's baby?” Killer laughed.

“If that's what she wants, yeah,” Heat replied, “and if she doesn't, I'll support that too, because she's a fucking human being with her own thoughts and feelings that deserve to be recognised, not just a hole for you to breed. Maybe it's for the best, this way she gets to have a baby and she isn't stuck tied to your pathetic excuse of a man. You're a fucking coward Killer, you talk big game but when it comes down to it you're just a scared little boy who thinks he can just ignore his problems till they go away. The worst thing is that people still care about you, but you ignore them too. Hell she probably still cares about you. But you act like the whole fucking world is against you. Really it's just you, hiding away in your room and tearing shit up, refusing to take your meds just so everyone will treat you like the victim, when you could have been out there comforting her when she needed you. She never would have gone to that cliff if you'd just fucking let her in, if you'd let her mourn with you. You're fucking lucky some random woman decided to hand her a baby and off herself or Yin would be dead right now. Even if she ever forgives you, I might not, because what you did was selfish and cruel, and you almost took her from me because of it, from all the people who care about her. So much for the dangerous Massacre Soldier Killer, you're just a pathetic little man who can't even comfort a woman when she so desperately needed you. You should've stuck to whores, emotions are clearly too advanced for you.”

“Are you done?” Killer growled, standing now with his arms crossed in front of Heat as the taller man cussed him out.

“Far fucking from it,” he growled, “but she needs me, and unlike you my head isn't too far up my own ass to see, so I'll be going now. Have a nice life, Massacre Soldier”

Manic laughter followed Heat out into the hall, all the way until he reached the gangplank and fled far enough for the sound to no longer travel.

Dawn was back on your breast when Heat returned, making you jump at first before his wild mop of blue hair appeared, using his ass to open the door because his hands were too full. Comically, he was wearing your mask on his head to save hand space, but it was clearly far too small for him, sitting on a mound of hair instead of his actual head. You snorted as he entered the room, putting down the large armfulls of bags with a heavy sigh of relief. He pulled the mask from his head and set it on a dresser before collapsing on the bed next to you, his hands over his chest and his eyes closed.

“She sure eats a lot huh?” Heat noted, turning his head to the side to watch Dawn. Her little arms were wiggling around like she was searching for something, so he turned to his side and offered her his hand. Her fingers wound around one of his and he couldn't help but blush. Given his big, somewhat scary appearance he wasn't used to small vulnerable things being so fearless with him. “Small but strong too”

“I don't know how old she is, but she seems to want to eat every three or four hours,” you replied with a yawn, “God I'm so tired. And hungry”

“I got you some food from the bakery down the street but you'll have to wait till little miss here releases me so I can grab it,” he laughed, trying to reclaim his finger but her grip was iron tight.

“You're the fucking best Heat,” you smiled, half lidded in your exhaustion. He didn't envy you, he hadn't exactly had much sleep either between when the nurses kicked him out of the hospital and when Kid had called them all for an emergency meeting about Killer, but then he wasn't putting all his energy into feeding another living being while recovering from a traumatic birth and major surgery. By the time Dawn was thoroughly milk drunk and nodding off again, you were nearly asleep, leaning against his chest with his arms around you to keep you upright, now that the small one had released her insane grip on his finger. He took Dawn carefully from your hold and put her back in the crib, admiring her for a moment before returning his attention to looking after you.

He rummaged in the bags and brought over the baked goods and a bottle of water, and you could barely open your eyes as you accepted them and sleepily nibbled. He had to take the remnants from your hand as you started to slouch over, a fond smile on his face at how cute you were in such a sleepy state, your lips turned upwards just the tiniest bit at the corners.

“Heat, do you love me?” You mumbled against his chest as you both got settled under the covers, your warm breath tickling the bare parts of his chest through the lacing of his corset. His breath hitched at the question, taken entirely by surprise and feeling like a deer in headlights. “Sorry,” you apologised, feeling the way he tensed, “I just… last time we slept together, it felt like more than just two friends fucking. I thought maybe you loved me. It's okay, I'm not mad if you don't, I just… thought”

“I do love you,” he breathed, his whole body still tense. He thought he might puke from the anxiety, worried the next words out of your mouth would be disgust or rejection. Nobody had ever loved him like that before, not in a romantic way. He was used to meaningless hookups during short stays at islands with people he'd never see again. The way you made him feel was entirely foreign, which is probably why it'd taken him so long to name the feeling.

“I know I said once that I didn't think I could fall in love with you,” you said softly, intertwining your fingers with his, making him relax a little, “but I think maybe that was a lie. You give me butterflies, Heat. And you make me feel so safe, you always have.”

He let out a shaky breath and a tear rolled down his cheek, he didn't realise just how stressed he was till you noticed the glistening trail and wiped it with your thumb. Your eyes bore into his, suddenly more alert now as you inspected his perpetually sad face before pressing a soft kiss on his mouth. You pulled away with a sigh, your forehead resting on his.

“I didn't notice you falling for me, I should have noticed,” you whispered,”I'm so sorry Heat. I'm… I'm going through a lot right now, but just knowing you're here, that at least one person in this godforsaken world wants me is enough to make me want to live”

“I thought you were dead,” his tears flowed freely now, his hands shaking as he finally processed the last three days. He'd been trying so hard to keep it together, to stay strong for you, because he knew you needed him, but those walls were crumbling so fast under your warm touch. “After the hospital said you left, we followed your vivre to where we knew the cliffs were, and it was burning. I knew physically you were fine, but for your resolve to be so set that your vivre burned… I… I thought I'd lost you. I only just realised how much I loved you after Quincy hurt you but I thought you were going to die last night thinking nobody loved you and I just… I never would have been able to live with myself. I should have told you sooner but I was so scared you'd hate me for it or that it'd ruin our friendship”

“Oh Heat,” your own tears started to meld with his as you pressed your cheeks together, your arms tight around his shoulders as he started to sob against you, the dam collapsing under the immense pressure of his emotions. “I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I was just so fucked up and I just couldn't take it anymore. I should have seen you there, I should have known you were there for me like you've always been, I've been such a ghost lately that I didn't see” You held his head gently in your hands, his dark eyes glassy with tears as he sniffed and looked at you, “I'm not ready right now, but I have no intention of leading you on. I'm gonna find the strength to say those three words Heat, because I know I feel them, I just can't bring myself to say them right now. Please don't stop loving me, you're all I have”

His lips crashed against yours, pain and fear and love and overflowing intangible emotions bursting at the seams as his tongue fought against yours and his hands held you close against him. You could feel his growing erection against your thigh so you slid your hand down his front, threading it under the waistband of his baggy pants, desperately needing to make him feel good, to alleviate your guilt after the hurt you'd put him through. He let out an almost pained whine as you started to pump him, his kisses messy and half focused as you serviced him, till he couldn't focus on anything else anymore and all he could do was pant against your shoulder. It didn't take him long to cum, so wound up from the overbearing stress that the release you gave him had him letting out a stuttered groan as he came, his seed spilling over your hand and lubricating his cock as you worked him through it.

“Shh, I've got you,” you cooed as you made your final slow strokes, his breath hot on your shoulder as he gripped you tight like he was afraid you would disappear forever if he let go. It was almost painful, given your sore breasts and surgery site. “Heaaaat, loosen your grip baby, I'm not going anywhere, I promise”

He let go a little but refused to entirely remove his hold on you, but you were more than fine with that now that the pressure wasn't painful. You held his head close to your heart and stroked his hair, and your steady heartbeat and tender caresses in the afterglow of his orgasm finally lulled him to sleep. You breathed a sigh of relief that he was finally relaxed, and you soon followed suit to take advantage of what rest you could get before Dawn inevitably woke you up again.

[NEXT CHAPTER]

[vegasandhishedgehog]

Just a non-comprehensive list of all the things P'Jojo touched on throughout the entirety of The Warp Effect:

The harm of forcing teens to promise absolute abstinence from sex while not providing space for safe and open discussions about it

Some people have a strong sense of their sexuality/gender identity. Others don't

Even guys who seem like good ones can do horrible things and be unaware. They are not required to be forgiven no matter how guilty they feel

Being single by choice is not shameful

Fwb is not shameful either

No one has any right to expect more out of a relationship when you have communicated what you are up for up front

Female friendship is a beautiful, wonderful thing, why would we pit so many bad bitches against each other when they're cooler as friends?

Nonsexual kinks are valid and with the right person can make for a beautiful relationship

There are several methods for pregnancy and it's important to discuss things with your donor (if you've chosen one personally)

Listen to your partner! It is actually possible to be together for a decade and still be unaware of something they like/dislike!

You can be forgiven for being shitty in high school but that is not up to you, it's only up to the person you have wronged

Always know the age of whoever you're talking to so you don't accidentally sleep with a minor

Fatphobia and transphobia have never been cool

Trauma hurts and the journey to work through it is difficult. It's not wrong to want to reconcile with someone and find that you can't. It's not wrong to try to push past it numerous times. It is not your fault someone ruined what should be a good experience for you

Nonsexual intimacy is valid and the right partner will work with you to understand your needs

The choice to have children is a really big one and no it should not be an excuse to keep the relationship together. The choice not to doesn't always have to break it up either

Abortion is a personal matter and should be done safely and legally

STDs have all sorts of origins and are an important matter to address in terms of being polyamorous or even going from one partner to the next. They are also not a reason to feel shame and are simply a matter of getting proper treatment and abstaining from sex while healing. Straight couples can get them, it isn't just a gay stereotype

Anyone can have a romantic relationship and not have sex

Parenting from afar isn't being responsible, but it is still possible to create a relationship with your estranged child

Dick size is nothing to be concerned about - you can find someone who enjoys a sexual relationship with you no matter what

It is so important to see your doctor. If that doctor makes you uncomfortable, though, you should be fine to leave and go somewhere else

Gay does not mean pedophile and it's important for you and your children to know the difference because there are gay teachers and coaches who have enough on their shoulders

Cheating doesn't have to include anything physical if you're seeking pleasure from someone who is not your partner and have not discussed such things with your partner or the person you cheat with

Sex work should not be criminalized and more of us need to standing up for the rights of sex workers

Masturbation is normal and doesn't have to be treated as sad or pathetic

Cishet people can be amazing allies. You can have your group of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and trans people with a bunch of them included and it can be a fabulous group

Casting agents that don't allow for body and gender diversity don't deserve their job

The show gave us a whole PSA on pelvic exams????? HELP??????

ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE SEX NO MATTER WHAT YOUR AGE, ORIENTATION, OR IDENTITY IS - ALWAYS HAVE A PROPER DISCUSSION AND STICK TO WHAT EVERYONE CONSENTS TO. ALWAYS

I swear I'm still missing stuff but everything that The Warp Effect said is so special to me

[smol-grey-tea]

We ain't mentioning that it's been more than a month since you originally tagged me @imsorrywhatsalifeagain

Tag game

Tag game: tag 9 people you’d like to get to know better.

Last song: Currently, am curating a playlist for an oc of mine. Rn playing is Have it Out by Mother Mother, which I decided not to add.

Currently watching: At this present moment in time, I am watching: Hannibal the series, Doctor Who (hundredth rewatch), Pose, and American Horror Story

Three ships: Eri x Red x Lance, or even Faith x Red + Red x Lance. Like love triangle type of polycule w them. But everyone is dating in the Eri version. Umm, and Tei x therapy. But if we're not just talking about romantic ships, then Tei x Yuri. Idk what they have, but it's something

Favorite color: Reb

Currently consuming: Ummmm well the last thing I ate was a kakugiri ramen which was delicious. That was a fair few hours ago now tho n idk what my parents are gonna make for dinner. If they don't make something for me tho, I'll have a steak and gravy pie. Oh my god I can already smell the chips that would go really well with it.

It was quite difficult choosing what to eat for lunch: I was more craving a tom yum but it's in my routine to usually have the kakugiri, so I was conflicted..... Hell, we'll probably get the tom yum next time, all things considered

First ship: How'm I supposed to remember that, that woulda been ages ago............ I guess something I started shipping a long time ago would've been Jaehee and Zen?

Relationship status: I also am aroace. @alwaysminiatureking is me qpp, but want another relationship.....

Last Movie: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I guess What by Bo Burnham counts as a movie? But does it count if I barely watched it cuz I quickly fell asleep to it?

Currently working on: I'm doing a bunch of stuff. As mentioned, am going thru songs to put on an oc playlist. If you mean more in general tho, I'm downloading dvds, I'm writing both fanfic and original stories, I'm trying to move out, I'm knitting a scarf, and whatever. Tomorrow I'm going food festival in town <2

Tagging @alwaysminiatureking @aro-manita-muscaria @eternal-brainrot @silverfang6 @imaginaryskeleton @klavierpanda @harlequindaydream @thetricktofalling @deathdesu

[yesbutmakeitgay]

Once Upon A Time I Used To Know A Girl

Chapter 2

Carol Danvers x Reader

Masterlist | This work's masterlist | AO3

Summary: Kamala helps you as you begin your journey to recovery.

Angst, Slow Burn, Amnesia.

Word count: 792

Like A Summer Day, She Could Push The Night So Far Away

Kamala walks you into the living quarters and you stop by the kitchen to rummage inside the fridge, she takes the opportunity to pop by Fury’s office and persuade him to let her go through with her half thought out plan.

After you finish eating the girl takes you upstairs and pauses in front of one of the many identical doors, "This will be your room while you, uh-"

"While my brain gets fixed, got it." You decide you might as well just go with it. You walk inside and try to get comfortable, Kamala says her goodbyes and tells you she’ll be back tomorrow.

Later that night Kamala calls Carol after not finding her anywhere in the compound, she tells her the plan and The Captain reluctantly agrees, still overwhelmed with guilt and heartbreak, on one condition: She cannot tell you about your relationship with Carol.

For the remainder of the week you stay on strict bed rest on doctor's orders. Kamala comes by every day and talks to you about current events and pop culture which, even before the injury, you weren't very good at keeping up with. She makes sure you eat and drink enough liquids and even tries to sneak in little details about your former life to see if you'll remember.

It is the first day after your mandated bed rest is over and Kamala comes back as promised, "How are you liking your room?"

"It’s fine."

"They'll bring all your stuff back from your former residence soon."

"Where was that?"

"You were doing a lot of intergalactic work so you were living in a spaceship," she says, trying to find the most objective way to describe it.

"That sounds awful."

"Well, according to your most recent reports you were really enjoying it."

"You have my reports? Can I read them?"

"They are being held in hopes they might contain information about the ambush." Her words are only half true as you weren't exactly subtle when writing about Carol.

The girl walks you to a conference room to have some privacy and hopefully get started on your recovery. She pulls out her S.A.B.E.R. tablet, "Do you know where we are?"

"The Avengers compound," you answer plainly.

"What do you know about them?" She starts making annotations.

"The Avengers? They're a bunch of stuck up assholes with a hero complex who think they're so special because they can shoot lasers out of some part of their body."

"Right," Kamala exhales heavily, "Do you remember any of them?"

"Uh, let's see, there's Stark, paying his way to the top, there's grandpa America-"

"Captain America," she writes down.

"Big green guy,"

"The hulk."

"Red witchy witch,"

"Scarlet Witch."

"The guy with the arrows, how did he even get in?"

"Hawkeye."

"Oh and tiny bug-man."

"Ant-man. Anyone else?"

"I think that's about it."

"I don't suppose you'd be willing to talk to any of them, see if they can help bring some memories back?"

"You suppose right."

"What about someone else? S.H.I.E.L.D.? Defenders?" she starts to wonder out loud.

"Defenders? Jones?" You let out a small chuckle.

"Yes! Do you know her?" Her eyes light up.

"No," you let her down, "but even if I did, she doesn't seem like the kind of person who likes to talk."

"I guess you're right." She begins to mindlessly scroll through her clear tablet hoping to find an answer when you see a familiar face.

"Rambeau. I'll talk to her if she's around."

She opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out, "Captain Rambeau is unavailable at the moment," she says, carefully choosing her words.

"I can wait," you respond, really trying to be helpful.

"Indefinitely." Her harsh tone tells you this is a conversation for another day.

After a moment she continues with the interrogation, "What's the last thing you remember?"

"Paris," you answer with certainty. Kamala searches on the device, "You're scrolling back an alarming amount, how long ago was Paris?"

"Many years ago," she responds in a quiet voice, a feeling of discouragement taking over you. She begins to read aloud, "Let's see, Paris. Mission to retrieve stolen files. Success. Black Widow." She looks at you when she gets to the last part.

"Yelena," you say, almost like an afterthought.

She gives you a perplexed look, "Natasha."

You accept her correction, "Romanoff."

"You remember her?" You nod in response, "Will you talk to her?" she follows expectantly.

"Absolutely not." Kamala scoffs, "I barely knew her, that's the only mission I ever went on with her. I didn't even live here with them, I had my own home in Louisiana." Your last words peak her interest and she discreetly writes them down.

Tell me all your thoughts!

Tags: @graniairish

Let me know if you wanna be tagged :)

Chapter 3

[halfpricedpages]

intro post (finally)

ive debated making an intro post because first off ive been on tumblr for two years and I never got around to it and secondly I am really really horrible at talking about myself because what is to much info and what it to little info and the cycle continues but im giving it a shot because I feel like my mutuals have no idea who I am lmao

HAI my name is Charlie im 15 (18+ I dont mind if you follow me but please dont dm me thank you :]) I use jasper as an online name kind of (at this point its just reserved for my best friend ace but I dont mind if other people call me jasper since I still love the name)

my pronouns are he/him but im also perfectly comfortable with common neopronouns (it/its xey/xem) if you wanna get funky with it.

im a self diagnosed autistic and ARFID (if you dont know what that is its an eating disorder where certain factors make you avoidant and restrictive of the food you eat and it has nothing to do with physical appearance. for me its linked to my autistic sensory issues(ALSO OCD NOW?!!? WHAT THE FUCK?!!?)) I have depression and anxiety and the only reason I mention this is because I relate my mental health to my fav characters in tv shows and books and stuff so if you see me posting about them like everything is connected lol

(my a03 is ghostwithfeet if you want to see me be silly and project my weird life onto fictional characters (I am the most inconsistent updater in the world please expect nothing from me if you even ask about a project it will scare me and like I turtle I will crawl into my shell never to see the light of day again))

my interests really vary about current hyperfixations but heres the master list

current hyperfixs

stranger things specifically Byler but mostly mike wheeler (this has turned into a special interest(I DO NOT support Noah schnapp or another of the other cast members who are in support of the inhumane actions the Israel government are doing. I am pro saving innocent civilians. I know that this can be controversial to be such a big fan of this show and honestly I have a lot of complex feelings on the matter but im autistic as previously mentioned and its my special interest and It won't leave my brain even if im not directly interacting with the media so im gonna yap about it on my blog thank you.))

also just Finn wolf hard for some reason (check out his band the Aubreys its awesome. also check out a recent movie he was in called when you finished Saving the world. it means a lot to me)

donna tarts the goldfinch book

old special interests/hyperfixs

the percy Jackson universe specifically nico di Angelo

the IT universe specifically reddie and Beverly marsh but more leaning towards richie tozier (see what I mean with the Finn wolf hard thing)

dead boy detectives !!

doctor who (I haven't even finished David tenants doctor yet so please no spoilers)

Alice oseman content (never read loveless or iwbft but ive read all of her other stuff)

paper girls graphic novel

other interests

the good place tv show

Kathleen Glasgows book girl in pieces

the walking dead comics including the clementine spin off graphic novels

um yeah thats all I can think of for now

my fav musicians/bands

florence and the machine

indigo de Souza

Kevin Atwater

searows

the Aubreys

sadurn

the cranberries

soccer mommy

runo plum

nep

lala lala

the smiths

hospital bracelet

Chappell roan

AURORA

Madilyn Mei!

Elliot smith

(my music taste is all over the place and is also very seasonal and I have a bunch of underground artists I dont listen to but I am here to give good recs I promise my playlists are fire)

we've gotten to the part of the intro post where im wondering if this is way to much information so sorry if I overshared idk but hope we can be silly mutuals or friends if you want (never be scared to shoot the friendship shot I would love to yap with y'all)

also since this is taking over my other pinned post I just want to put this as an honorary spot and let everyone know that my old pinned post was a quote from radio silence and that Aled last is me and I am him and the February Friday plot line is actually me and it makes me sick how much I resonate with that book

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s2 episode 19 thoughts

did you ever want to see mulder and scully die of old age? well, you're in luck! this episode was made for you <3

i'm giggling. who came up with this concept?

when i was reading the plot description, i kept thinking of all those memes a few years back about the beach that makes you old. it was referencing the plot of the m. night shyamalan movie with this very concept, aptly titled "old"... good to know he isn't the first one to come up with such a topic. also we moved on from that meme too fast because it was hilarious.

okay. let's go.

pause. we open on a boat at sea. i haaaate boats. we seriously need to stop getting on boats because it seems that only bad things follow.

some people are leaving this boat. and a guy threatens to stop them. but he doesn't. and they climb into a lifeboat and sail off.

those who sailed off in the sailboat have been found by another boat. they were sailing the seas and playing blackjack. blackjack is great, boats less so. these new guys are tying to rope in those from the lifeboat for help, but they're not being super responsive. this is because they have become very old men.

(i was trying to think about how i would respond to finding a rescue boat full of old men on the open ocean, and i think i would assume it was a cruise wreck. recently read an article about the secret world of cruises. fascinating stuff)

((anyway, when we're looking at these newly old men, you can tell that it is in fact the same young actors under a bunch of makeup, and it's an eerie thing to view. baby old men))

at this point, i asked the question on everyone's mind: are we going to speedrun the whole msr thing by throwing them on this boat? like, skipping to growing old together? it's almost romantic, in a way

anyway, back to the present day. after the newly old men have been rescued. mulder calls scully to a hospital, and thanks her for coming without explanation.

she has freckles and he has to bend down to whisper to her, two things i enjoy greatly.

he wants her to go in and talk to the one survivor of the whole thing, and they wouldn't let him in, so her medical background is a good excuse, and he got her clearance. he tells her to figure out what is going on then come back to his office, and instead of listening to her try and ask questions, he grabs her shoulders and says thank you. and leaves.

she is baffled. for a man like him, a shoulder grab probably explains everything.

(this has prompted contemplation on that man and his relationship to physical touch. i just know he'd cry if given a nice long hug)

so she goes in the room and picks up the chart, and despite the fact that a very old man is sitting on the table there, she sees his chart says he's supposed to be like 25. so she asks why there hasn't been a full investigation and the physician comes in and says "i wasn't aware that my diagnostic decisions required your approval"

OOP. an awkward situation! she must have chased mulder off. and while it may be a bit weird to have another doctor burst into your patient's room, is this not a valid question to ask???

the physician demands scully show her clearance, which she does, and she is told it is invalid, and to get out now before she is removed. which is sus as hell!!!! what are they hiding...

back to mulder's office. she walks in and tosses her coat on his chair. ah, casual intimacy of cohabitation. i love you dearly.

and this man is deeply touchy today... he must have known he was setting her up to get yelled at in the hospital and this is his way of saying sorry. that's my best guess, anyway.

he's got a map pinned on the wall and he's pointing out all the ships that have gone through the area and disappeared, and as i began to make my average declaration- that this was "nerd behavior"- my phone began to predict the text for me. well! it is consistent at least.

"do you know anything about the philadelphia project?" he asks scully. and she explains it to him, but i had to google to see if it was a real thing. and actually, i had heard of it before, because the u.s.s. eldridge makes a very brief cameo in season 1 of loki!! but it seems to be mostly a thing that didn't happen. i'll have to look into at a later date.

mulder proposes that those involved with the teleportation philadelphia project must still be at it, and they are using this area to explore wormholes on earth.

(scully exhales quietly) "wormholes." <- god-tier reaction

he decides to head out to norway and investigate, and she wants to come!! woohoo 8:30 flight to norway!!

they're in the norwegian bar. looking cute. asking for help re:area where boats are going mia. but no one wants to help!

until a very conveniently placed american over hears them! and he has a ship that can take them out there! ahh, storytelling conventions <3

he says he'll take them out there, but he is the only one who will do so, because all the others think that there is an evil god in the sea. and evil god or not, i am not sure i trust this man who offers to give them a ride.

NOOOO poor mulder is getting seasick :( he seems to have lost his quick tongue in the war against the ocean:

"you're lucky you inherited your father's legs", he says to scully. "what," she deadpans, smiling. "his SEA legs", he clarifies, and she laughs while he is in misery.

(and this was sosososo cute <3)

they have been on the boat for 12 hours...... i would have simply perished!!!

they then CRASH into another ship and he is suffering even MORE immensely

so they climb onto this ship they ran into, and it looks old and rusty, like 20 or 30 years hanging out in the ocean rusty, but it was launched in 1991. soooo things are not adding up!!!!

they go in and investigate the giant old ship, and they encounter some bodies that have been, like, crystalized? super old and dead and crystalized. shoutout to the props team for that fr.

and scully looks both terrified and deeply intrigued. the medical curiosity has set in.

NOOOO! someone took their ship that they arrived there on!!! they are stuck on the boat full of very old dead crystal people!

there's a little montage here of scully and mulder trying to fix stuff and it was really really cute. yeah get your tools and go fix something man. get under there. it doesn't work out, but it wasn't for lack of trying.

the american guy who took them out is getting pissed they aren't telling him the Truth so he tries to explain the wormhole theory. and he isn't buying it and getting More pissed. this could have been easily avoided by Not Getting on the Boat.

NOOOO the other crew member that joined them had his skull cracked!!! are there any old people doing some skull smashing on this boat?!?

AUGH the boat is such a perfect setting for horror. the persistent Wetness. the quiet except for light dripping noises. the maze-like construction of the big old ship. confined spaces. it is simply not for meeeeee

oh okay. guy in the freezer sipping jack. he says time got lost. sure. it seems we have found our Skull Smasher.

the american guy whose ship was stolen is getting even MORE pissed and honestly i feel like he has the right to be. his friend is dead his ship is gone he is stranded on a boat of crystalized old people. truly L after L is being delivered. and as he goes to bury his friend at sea, even singing a little song for him, a dude comes and tries to crack HIS skull with a pipe??!? (so maybe old man sipping jack DIDN'T do the killing? i honestly don't remember sorry)

mulder stops pipe man from beating the americn ship captain... wow... so heroic <3 and american guy is like, oh i know this dude... he's a PIRATE WHALER... he sells whales on the BLACK MARKET.... i wish him to suffer immensely. remember when a fungus grew out of people a few episodes ago? yeah he deserves that. get eaten by bugs. you stay away from the whales you sick freak. but he is kinda hot and that is NOT be excusing him i just have eyes and can see. hot pirate whalers still get the cruelest of punishments in my book.

NOOOO the old man sipping jack has died. and is turning into salt. real sodom and gomorrah ass situation.

mulder declares that it is time to get rest, in an environment in which rest is impossible. and honestly, he is brave as hell for persisting and taking the first watch despite having dealt with seasickness, let alone being trapped on a boat full of old salty dead people and having just apprehended a pirate whaler. give him a raise, for he has suffered.

he takes his shift, and goes to wake scully up for the next one. and she mumbles about having just fallen asleep, to which he offers her a few more minutes

AUGHHH my heart. my heart my heart. this man is Suffering but he still offers to stand guard for a few more minutes. so she can sleep. oh i would have married him on the spot i'm sorry.

she insists that she is up and everything is adorable and sweet until.

WHAT!!! they are old!!!!

the image of these two in their Old Person makeup was making me laugh so hard, so i once again asked "who came up with this episode", but here's the tea: the pirate whaler guy isn't getting old!!! and, as scully points out, their hair isn't falling out or turning grey... strange.

she proposes that they are... drifting towards something... electrical... magnets... i'm sorry queen u lost me. too much science jargon. i'm sure it's a good theory i just have no understanding what it is you're saying.

oh. and blood is dripping from the ceiling. while the evil whale killer serves looks in the corner. fuck you, freak.

they go off to investigate the dripping blood (actually rust!) and they leave american ship captain to guard the pirate whaler. and oh man, he is gonna let him go, isn't he...

our agents are climbing into the sewage hold. bad place to me, imo. and ohhhh they think it is related to the water! non-sewage water = makes you old. cutscene to american ship captain, who has shot pirate men, lapping from the toilet like a dog.

mulder and ship captain man are fightinggggg... old man violence

scully demands everyone do a blood test, which had me asking: how did she test their blood on a ship? does she just keep that sort of equipment around? anyway, it shows waaaaay too much salt.

and NOOOO mulder is doing worse than the others because he has been dehydrated from seasickness :(

(again, i made note of the fact that they looked crazy and this was such a ridiculous plot for an episode)

he presents her with his urine for testing. that is true friendship.

the american ship guy says that mulder isn't gonna make it, and they should look out for themselves. okay good try you dumb bitch but they WILL die for each other.

cutscene to mulder lying in his cot, dying of old age. typical king activities. the water isn't working on him for some reason!!!

(who did this old person makeup... the girls are scared)

american ship guy is in the sewage area gulping all the water. "go ahead and shoot me if you think i'll let mulder have another drop" <-okay but she Will kill you. like you get that right.

(he escapes death by locking himself into the container)

this sends scully into a frantic search for any sort of liquid, and she's holding up a snow globe, and i have the realization, oh man, she's gonna drink the snow globe water, and they are gonna have to go to the hospital even more than before

"it's sardine juice, half a dozen lemons, and the water from a snow globe" <- new worst meal just dropped

(get her as a bartender NOW. i want to see what other fucked up concoctions she can create if given the resources)

he says that she should drink it, and tells her to stop being stubborn, she's more likely to live. and he WILL resign himself to death for her. which is A Lot. they are arguing about who gets to drink it and it's really sweet and sad and they look scary.

noOoOOOo there is a big THUNK and the jar falls on the ground and CRACKS. and now water is coming in!!! and the guy that locked himself in the sewage hold is gonna drown!!!

this is not promising for anyone else. at this point i was asking if they were gonna just lay down and die together, and if so, would it involve having a talk about their Feelings before death?

scully promises mulder that she learned there is nothing to fear after death when she began to drift off in her coma. oh my heart. talking about her Worst experience in the entire world so her friend can die in peace. knowing that it will be okay. ohhhh man, i need to unpack this at a later date.

so she closes his eyes and he drifts out of consciousness, and she's writing down detailed notes as she goes, but finally the pen slips from her hand and... they're gone

UNTIL!!! HELP ARRIVES LATER!!! and they bring them into the hospital to desalinate them. and they are able to be saved because scully kept impeccable records the whole time!

OH. and who is tending to them but the physician who kicked scully out of the other guy's room at the beginning of the episode!!!!

so the ship sank. and that was that. the end.

and where does that leave us?

well, honestly, i'm torn. because there were some very sweet moments in this episode- poor seasick mulder, fighting over who gets the potion, him letting her sleep a little longer, her sharing what happens after you die to give him a sense of calm- but it was also taking place while they were in scary old person makeup, so it had its ups and downs.

[whumpetywhumpwhump]

Okay, what you think of seizure/convulsions whump? And when did you realize you were a hospital/sickfic fan?

*love your blog, let's be friends!!

Coupla great questions!!!

1. I do love seizure whump a LOT. I try to make sure things are accurate because ofc these things (like a lot of sickfic and whumpy stuff) do affect real people, but yes I absolutely love reading and writing about it. Since I don't usually read whumper content, a lot of the seizure stuff comes in the form of epilepsy HCs and also pretty serious illnesses like meningitis.

There's something about seizures in whump which just takes things to the next level- if a character is epileptic, the looming threat of a seizure is just always there, and when it happens there's the panic of how long it's going to last/whether it's going to be a big one etc etc. If a character is sick and starts seizing, it's a sign that things really aren't right, and perhaps tips the scales for caretakers from 'illness like the flu' to 'this character is dangerously ill and needs to go to a hospital NOW'.

I have so many things I could talk about here lol, and maybe if people want to see it I could make a whole post about seizure whump on its own, but yeah, I like it a whole bunch!

2. I can't quite pinpoint the exact time I realised I was really into hospital whump, and that's probably because I've been into it for a LONGGG time. Like, even as a kid if there was a character I was really into, I'd start picturing them in these precarious situations. It's only when I got older, obviously, that I discovered there was a community of people who were just like me, and I have to say it was super relieving (I genuinely thought I was a complete weirdo with original, weird thoughts).

I mean, to put things into perspective I wanted to be a doctor when I was five, and a lot of that was because I already loved whump.

An interesting little thing as well is how I think this side of me co-exists with my emetophobia: I've always been super afraid of vomit IRL, and as somebody who's also super into psychology, I find it so interesting how the things we fear and the things we're attracted to can be so linked. After all, 'arousal' is the word used to describe the body's reaction to a stimulus, fearful or exciting or.... otherwise. A lot of people love scary movies because the domesticated fear is like a safe way of experiencing terror that otherwise only happens in real life dangerous situations. In a similar way, I suppose I love sickfics because I'm so afraid of them IRL, and it's a safe way to explore the intense feelings I have about it.

Anyway, this post derailed into me talking about WHY I'm into sickfic (I think) but I find it fascinating!!!

Thanks so much for the ask, and we can definitely be friends! Always love meeting fellow whump lovers ❤️

[stumped-on-bennington]

The Kind of Human Wreckage That You Love

Summary: Frank got jumped by a couple of weirdos and as been acting strange ever since. Gerard and the rest of the guys try to take care of him, but to no avail. That is until they get a visit from Pete and Patrick.

Vamp!Frank

Word count:1500

It all started when Frank got into a fight with some weird guys from across town. He was jumped by these dudes who thought they were from the 1920s or something. Since then he has been acting really weird. Sleeping all day, getting weird cravings, and overall looking really sickly and almost dead. Gerard, Mikey, and Ray were doing everything they could to help him, but Frank was refusing to see a doctor. They were at their wits end until Gerard was approached by Pete and Patrick.

“He isn’t sick, but there isn’t a cure.” Pete told Gerard.

“What are you talking about? Frank just has a really intense stomach flu or something, we have it under control.” Gerard said, defensive over his friend. 

“What stomach flu makes a man look dead? Makes him sleep all day and gives him uncontrollable urges at night? I can already tell you that about this time he has cold sweats, is shaking and vomiting up anything you're trying to give him.” Pete growls, ready to pounce on Gerard. 

Patrick put an arm in front of Pete, holding him back from Gerard before speaking. “We know what's wrong with him, but it’s not as simple as just treating it like a cold.” 

Just then Patrick gets a text on his phone. “Shit, there’s rumors of another swarm that’s been picking people off by Make-Out Point. We have to go re-group with the guys.” Patrick tell’s Pete, putting his phone back in his pocket and pulling out an old beaten up journal. “Here, you're going to need this. This will tell you everything you need to know to help out your friend and to protect yourselves.” 

Gerard takes the journal skeptically, but willing to try anything at this point. He flips the journal open, seeing pages upon pages of recipes, rituals, and other entries. Gerard looks up to question the two, but the strange duo is gone without a trace. 

Gerard takes the journal back to the rest of the guys, showing them the entries and telling them what Pete and Patrick had told him. 

“This thing says to mix holy water, garlic, and human blood and to give it to him, man. I don't know about this.” Ray says, flipping through the pages.

“I read one of them that said we have to have a weekly visit from a priest to come and bless him. Even has a number of a priest that quote ‘understands the situation’ end quote” Mikey says, mocking the entry that he was referring to.

Just then Frank stumbles into the room, covered in sweat and clutching his stomach. “Let's do it.” He says, nearly falling.

 Gerard bolts up, rushing to stabilize his friend and guide him to a chair. “No dude, this is just a bunch of psycho rambling. Whatever you have, we can fix it with some cold medicine and rest.” 

Frank growls, “We’ve been trying cold medicine for weeks now. I sleep all day, there isn’t any more rest I can be getting! ...I’ve been having nightmares when I sleep, they’re all the same. Flashes of me covered in blood, and you guys laying lifeless at my feet.” Frank’s expression softens, “I’m tired of this and I’m willing to try anything at this point.”

Gerard looks at Frank with a sorrowful expression. “Ok.”, he says.

“Wait, seriously? You’re going to go through with this crazy stuff?” Ray says, a little shocked at Gerard’s willingness to comply with the odd manual.

“We have to at least try. If it doesn’t work then we stop.” Gerard says, giving Ray a serious look. 

Ray sighs, “Fine, But i'm not going to be the one bleeding for this, ok?”

“I’ll do it.” Mikey says, everyone turning towards him. “I’ll supply the blood. Luckily it doesn’t seem like we’ll be needing that much.” Gerard gives his brother a thankful smile.

“Ok.” Gerard says, “Let's get to work then.”

With that Ray, Mikey, and Gerard get to work following the instructions in the journal. Gerard calls the number in the book and informs the priest of the situation, Mikey starts the concoction that they are to feed to Frank, and Ray starts collecting all the crucifixes he can find. By 11 PM the priest finishes blessing Frank and the other preparations have been finished. 

“Here, we go, Frank. Now this probably isn't going to be pleasant.” Gerard says, bring the cup to Frank's mouth, letting him sip the mixture. As soon as the liquid touches Frank's lips, he starts coughing violently. Gerard pulls the cup away and rubs Frank’s back, trying to sooth his friend. 

“I told you this was a bunch of horse shit!” Ray says, “This entire journal was just some weird, sick prank from those guys! Just some freaks that-” Ray stops at the sound of Frank chugging the liquid. The three turn back to Frank, who is now standing, the bottom of the cup in the air as he swiftly gulps down the mix. With a loud sigh, Frank finishes the ghastly drink, crushing the plastic up in his hand. 

The three men stare in disbelief. Frank, who was nearly a corpse mere seconds ago, is now standing strong before them, looking as youthful as ever. Frank uses his sleeve to wipe the residue from this mouth, leaving a bloody streak across his face. “That’s better.” He says, dropping the cup to the ground.

“You were saying?” Mikey says, turning back to Ray. 

The four men read through more of the journal, following all the instructions to a T. Preparing more mixtures and rituals to help keep Frank stable. They even found a number to a blood bank that had shady practices so that Mikey wouldn’t have to keep bleeding for the holy water mixture. The group stayed up until 5 in the morning making everything so Frank could be comfortable. About an hour before sunrise, they got a knock on the door.

Gerard answered the door, a wooden stake and crucifix ready. He slowly creaked the door open, revealing Pete and Patrick. The two immediately notice the items that Gerard is holding, Pete hissing at the sight of the crucifix. 

“So, you actually followed my instructions.” Patrick says, a slight smirk on his face. 

Gerard put away the crucifix. “So, you knew what was wrong with him because he’s also one of them.” He says, motioning towards Pete. “And you're trying to hunt all the other ones to reverse it all, right? That’s why you had all those instructions for weapons in there too.” 

“That’s right.” Pete says.

“So now what, you’re here to take out Frank too?” Gerard says, clutching the stake in his hand.

“No, no. Nothing like that.” Patrick says, raising his hands. “Your friend is safe. So long as you keep his urges under control, then we have no reason to come after him.” 

Gerard lowers his weapon, feeling a sense of relief. 

“But, we could really use you guys, if you're willing to help. We’re always looking for more people on our side. The more of us there are, the quicker we can go through the bad ones and get our friends back to normal.” Patrick says, hopeful.

Gerard thinks for a second. “I’m sorry, but we can’t. Frank never has been one to have very good control. If we go out and try to do what you guys do, I'm afraid that he’ll get carried away and cause more trouble than help.” He says, with an apologetic expression. 

“No worries, we understand.” Patrick says, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a slip of paper. “But if you ever change your mind, or if you just need some help, give me a call.” 

Gerard takes the paper and stuffs it in his pocket. Pete and Patrick turn away and begin to walk off, but before leaving, Patrick stops.

“Oh, and if you hear anything about any attacks or turf fights, don’t hesitate to call!” Patrick says, calling over his shoulder. With those final words Patrick begins walking off into the night. Pete lunges into the air and jumps rooftop to rooftop, disappearing just before the sun rises. 

Bonus!:

~A couple weeks after Gerard’s last encounter with Pete and Patrick.~ 

“Any word from the hunters?” Mikey asks his brother. 

“Nothing. I’ve tried calling and texting, no answer.” Gerard says. There has been a spike in activity around their side of town, more and more lurkers at night, making it hard to get supplies for Frank.

The four men jump as there is a knock at the door. The group ready themselves with weapons, crucifixes, and holy water as Gerard opens the door. Standing before them are the hunters, only this time they’ve changed, moonlight reflecting off their fangs. 

“We’ve hit a bit of a snag in the extermination process.” Patrick says, his own pair of fangs hanging in his mouth.

“Let’s get training then.” Gerard says, allowing the group to enter their dwelling.

[happy-mokka]

Happy birthday to me!!! 🎂

Yeah. Hi. It's me.

Middle-aged Aziraphale fangirl did his next big step in the direction of the big 50.

Wahooooo!

Not really…

I hate my birthdays.

Always did.

Even as a child.

Now as this middle-aged queerish-dude I am still having a hard time, standing in the middle of things and being cheered on by others.

I was born. Great. Get along, people, nothing to see here. Can you all just go home please?

"Well, what the f*ck are you doing here then, right now, with this post, in the middle of an internet platform in front of a bunch of strangers?!?"

some of you might ask.

And rightly so, I must add.

Way more than 12 hours before - it is now past 10 pm in Germany - so this morning after I woke up to be exact, I had seriously contemplated the possibility to call in sick on my birthday, and hide myself from the world, quietly sobbing on my couch.

For the first time in my working life of 24 years. I had always been to work on my birthdays. No exception.

But the past months had been hard. I never really felt in control of things, still don't.

Those who know me closer, know that I like to be in control.

Always a plan at hand. Always prepared…

Only that it didn't really work out…hasn't for quite a long time.

I just never admitted it to myself. Always kept on going.

My family was always good in repressing things.

Don't show weakness.

Keep on functioning.

What will the others think?

People depend on you!

My family also never really considered me being "a success story" by their standards.

I am unmarried. Don't have children. No big career.

Ok, I've put enough on the side to live a financial solid life in a nice appartment.

But the first part really nagged at them, and through them at me.

So I was already unhappy for quite some time.

Together with an ongoing above-average and ever growing work-load at the office, this feeling of unhappiness turned slowly into dread and then deep sadness, until I felt close to breaking with the beginning of today.

Now, almost 15 hours later, I am here, writing this sappy stuff and am genuinely happy for the first time in months.

"What changed?"

Well, I was thinking about this a lot in the past hour. While sitting in the bus and later while walking home.

Honestly? Nothing really changed.

I got my eyes opened and my perspective adjusted by someone very dear to me.

That's what friends are for, and she is the best of them. My bestie.

She is the one who got me addicted to Good Omens last year and pushed me onto this hellsite.

She brought me Doctor Who and the Tardis (yeah, I know, shame on me, coming so late to the game…).

She makes me constantly re-think my opinions and keeps opening new windows to look through on things I had missed or never noticed before.

She is challenging me on a daily basis to be more than I normally would go for or did for many years.

She became the closest friend I have ever had in my life.

Sure, I know lots of people a lot longer in years. Some since Kindergarten.

But none of them digged themselves so deep into the darkest corners of my soul.

Places not even my brother or my parents ever got to see.

She made me, a life long rather shy introvert, open up, despite the fact that she is even more introverted than I have ever been.

I still don't fully understand all of it, but here I am, writing all this to an unknown audience, as proof.

A year ago, this wouldn't have been possible, not even in my wildest dreams.

"So, you didn't realize this before?"

I did. It just got pushed aside by all the negative spiralling. Sometimes you don't see, what's right in front of you.

After work, I walked her home. I like doing that. Sometimes talking all the way. Sometimes just walking in silence side by side.

At her place she handed me 2 presents and just like that, it clicked.

Sometimes, it doesn't take much, if it comes from the heart…

People, meet my new Michael Sheen mug!!!

So, we basically bonded over Good Omens and as faith would have it, we are exactly Aziraphale (me) and Crowley (her) coded.

100%.

It makes me beyond happy, knowing that everytime I'll sip my coffee with my beloved Sheeny, on the other end of town she will sip her hot cocoa out of her corresponding new David Tennant mug.

Good Omens was not the only thing we found out to have in common.

The common ground sometimes is really breathtaking and we still regularly stumble over new things it contains.

So many things that we equally love. Books, movies, music, long walks, just sitting there in silence and taking in a beautiful view…

On the other hand, we are so different in so many aspects, but with the feeling of it rather complementing than dividing us.

She loves to chrochet, I can't even hammer a nail strait into a sponge.

Speaking of which, meet my 2nd gift: Audrey!!!!!!!!!

We watched "Little shop of Horrors" (the 1986 version with Rick Moranis) a few weeks ago. Both for the first time. Loved it.

I immediately fell for "Audrey", the flesh-eating alien plant. Didn't speak anything out loud, still it didn't go unnoticed…and, yes, it is hand-made!!!

*sigh*

"So, what am I trying to say here?"

Good qestion…

Life can be cruel.

Life will be hard at times.

It will make you cry, like, a lot.

Try to not go through all this alone.

Sometimes those that you least expect it from, turn out to become your anchor in the stormy sea or the lighthouse showing you the way.

Build your own little family of friends (even if its just one).

Hold them tight, once you found them.

Love them with all that's in you.

You will get it back ten fold.

Why?

L🥰ve!

@uncleadelheid-will-eat-your-soul , thanks for being all that for me, little introverted geeky metal edgelord office girl, and thanks for enduring my annoying love for bad jokes and even worse puns…

P.S.:

Sorry btw for the storm, lighthouse, anchor metaphors with you hating all that's related to the dark blue sea…I still didn't edit them out…maybe we'll be getting there. At least I left out fishy fish…

🐟🐠🐡🦈🌊🦑

[regenderate]

i just realized i've never posted my rant about what yaz could've been on here

basically i think the show gives yaz a bunch of different traits/experiences/etc as vehicles for messages to the audience and then never actually connects those traits/experiences/etc or lets them build up into a properly nuanced character. like when the show wants to Talk About Racism she talks about her experiences with racism and when the show wants to Talk About Mental Health we see a single crisis from her teenage years but those things don't come up outside of their respective episodes/scenes/messages

like. okay. here are some things we know about yaz. yaz:

quickly corrects gendered language

doesn't have a lot of friends

was/is the target of racist harassment

was bullied in school

ran away from home/is implied to have been suicidal or attempted suicide

celebrates the anniversary of her not-suicide with her sister but not her parents

is into women

all of these things so clearly connect into a full and complex character. but they're all so isolated! we never see how yaz running away and her sister being worried affects her once she starts traveling with the doctor (thereby disappearing from her family again). when her family isn't onscreen, we don't really hear about them-- we don't hear about whether sonya's worried about her, or what her parents think. she seems to have a good relationship with her grandmother but we mostly only see that when the episode is about it. we never hear about whether her race and orientation play into the bullying she got at school. we never hear about whether any of that is part of why she needed the tardis as an escape. the show somehow acts like her being suicidal is a one-time thing and fixed with a single pep talk, which anyone who's ever been suicidal knows is not how that works. if the scene isn't About the life event or struggle in question, it's like it doesn't exist.

and like... yaz as a character is so interesting if you connect these traits. if you think about her as a young pakistani muslim (closeted/repressed) wlw trying to get by in school, and then the trauma she incurred at the hands of others, and the bond she might've had with her sister, and the arguments she might've had with her parents, and then how all of that might've contributed to her running away/being suicidal, and then joining the police force thinking it'll help people because the one cop helped her when she ran away, and then realizing that she's not helping people/that the job isn't what she wants but she doesn't know how to get out, and then, after all of that, meeting the doctor and getting to travel time and space, and finally recognizing her love for what it is, and struggling with being away from her sister and with unpacking some of her childhood/her family stuff now she's finally separated from it-- if you think about all of that, you create such a beautiful and authentic character. but in the show, all of these traits and experiences seem to exist in isolation, and you don't see how they all come together to affect and create yaz's character.

i don't know. it bothers me that she has so much potential to be a really grounded character who i think a lot of people her age (also my age! i was 19 when twwfte came out!) could relate to. i always really wanted to see a scene in ghost monument where she has a moment of panic and realizes she's basically disappeared from her family again and has already almost died at least once and might not get back to them. it's just stuff like that that would have made her feel a lot more coherent and complete to me.