#i like this cover. it was kind of a nightmare to mix <3 like all vocal synthesizers voicevox has engine noise

[bmpmp3]

finished up that Yume no Tobira cover with the VirVox dudes i was working on! It took me so long to balance the audio levels and make the video that Voicevox had a major update between me starting and finishing LOL

[deceptive-daydreams]

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Smoke Signals

Chapter Eight - Sweet as Apple Pie

W/C: 6.9K

Eddie x Fem reader - Grumpy!Bartender!Eddie x Shy!Reader

Honesty ensues well into the quiet hours of Halloween.

A/N: this chapter is so full of dialogue....do y'all prefer a lot of dialogue throughout chapters or more scenery descriptions? Or a good amount of both?

Masterlist

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The living room was only illuminated by the flashing, gory scenes from the TV playing A Nightmare on Elm Street.  It wasn’t your first choice and you had made that clear as you talked your way through the intense parts, keeping your focus on the popcorn bowl in your lap as you scavenged for a melty M&M.  You preferred something more lighthearted but your unintentional guest insisted that with it being Halloween and all, it was ‘like the law’ to watch a horror movie.  Perhaps you were somewhat okay with it, at least you didn’t have to pretend to have fun at a party and you were in fact cozied up on the couch watching a movie while eating your Halloween candy like you’d longed for in the first place.  The only difference was the blood and violence playing out on the screen that you hadn’t planned to endure.

“You’re not even paying attention.”  Eddie tosses a pillow your way, sending popcorn and M&Ms tumbling all over your lap.  

“Eddie!”  You scold.

When you glare at him, you’re met with an expression that can only be recognized as the kind someone exhibits when doing all they can to contain their laughter.  Crinkled eyes and pursed lips ready to explode in a fit of boyish giggles.  He wasn’t drunk anymore, no longer able to escape your incessant teasing should you choose to hold it over him.

A handful of popcorn mixed with candy is flung at him, a piece successfully clinging to his hair and several M&Ms rolling down his chest into the crevices of the couch that would never see the light of day again.  There’s no ignoring the adorable pout on your lips and the way you’d become such a stubborn thing from the smallest inconvenience.  

“Haven’t I been through enough tonight?”  He frowns, dramatically picking the snack out of his hair to toss it toward you, landing somewhere on the rug below for you to some day clog your vacuum with.

Ignoring his question, the bowl is abandoned on the coffee table, movie long forgotten about as you bring your legs up to your chest and shift your eyes directly to him.  Beneath his remaining eyeliner, you can make out the exhaustion forming under his eyes, bags growing more intense with every waking hour, his chapped lips parted ever so slightly as the light from the TV flashes over his features. 

You begin to feel selfish for changing into your fluffy pajamas earlier, your pants a checkered orange and black pattern while you opted to wear a well loved gray t-shirt with faded letters that could barely be made out anymore.  Eddie remained in his black jeans and tattered cut off, his jacket that previously adorned your shoulders hung snugly on the hook near the door.  

There was no way you had anything that would accommodate his long legs although you could probably get by with offering him one of your larger shirts.  You wonder if his skin is covered in goosebumps or if he tends to run hot and remain unbothered by the chilliness of your home.  Embarrassingly so, you hadn’t learned how to use the fireplace yet.  Blankets were a necessity and you found yourself cuddling up with nearly five at a time as the weather grew more frigid.

“I meant to ask, what is your costume?  Yourself?”  You question.  An attempt to ease into offering him something warmer to wear as well as genuine curiosity.

“No?”  He leans forward laughing, his attention bouncing between you and the movie.  “Ozzy.  Ozzy Osbourn.”  He states proudly.

His tattoos draw you in as he brings his arms up to cross over his chest, his posture uncharacteristically comfortable on the opposite end of your couch.  You were sure he was almost sober so it must have been sleep deprivation allowing him such luxury.  A laugh bubbles in the back of your throat as you process his costume, something so convenient as it was practically his actual wardrobe, only a tad more revealing than what you were used to him wearing.

“What, so you just smudge some eyeliner on and you're Ozzy?”  You giggle.

“Oh.”  He scoffs.  “And you put your hair in pigtails and you’re Dorothy?”

“Um, no?”  You cock a brow.  “A lot of work went into my costume.  It just looks like you shredded up your poor shirt and smudged black all over your eyes.” 

A giggle vibrates through his body, an actual giggle, almost a squeal as he buries his head in his hands.  Another postcard for the space in your brain that was becoming larger with each interaction.

“Also, aren’t you cold?  I’m fucking freezing and I’m covered in layers–”

Eddie continues to laugh, the image of a slap happy boy becoming clearer and clearer.  His heavy hand makes contact with his thigh, deep chuckles following as you study the crows feet forming at the corner of his eye.  Extra prominent tonight.

“I am–I’m fucking cold.”  He throws his head back.

It’s contagious, the energy lingering in the air as you join in.  You’re unaware of what’s so funny; it seems the mundane act of being alive is hilarious.

Tears threaten to spill, the kind that don’t come around very often; the kind that hold pools of joy, seas of dopamine longing to spill down your cheeks.  A salty mess that would paint the prettiest memory, glossy eyelids and parted lashes more immaculate than any piece of art Eddie could imagine.  Before you can allow him to indulge in such a sight, fat tears of euphoria are sucked back in, any excess wiped on the pads of your fingers.  

“Do you…want a shirt?  I-I dunno if I have any that’ll fit comfortably but…if you’re cold?  Or I might have a sweatshirt!”  You hop up, recovering from your fit of laughter in your moment of realization.

You don’t give him time to answer, immediately retreating to your room.  His heart feels as if it's gnawing through his chest at the way you worry about him; the fact that you would even be concerned for his well being is still something he would never get used to.  Not many people have offered him that courtesy throughout his life, always equating his family name to something undeserving of any friendly gesture.

When you return, an oversized navy blue sweatshirt in hand with a grin on your face, he swears his heart convulses on the spot.  And when your fingers brush against his as you offer it to him, his lungs are rendered breathless, the desire to linger a little longer pulling him in like gravity.  Your soft skin against his rough fingertips is enough to mess with his brain chemistry, reducing him to a useless man at your mercy, though he’d never admit it.  Not because he didn’t want to but because he was him, and why would someone as delicate and kind hearted as you ever settle for someone as damaged and twisted as him?

Someone so dainty, so lovely, would never in a million years look at him and find him desirable.

When he thanks you, it comes out as an ungrateful mumble, his eyes suddenly glued to his lap in insecurity.  That look on his face that you’d come to recognize, a look of absence.  His mind fed on him and sucked him dry of emotion, eyes blank and devoid of the life that just seconds ago they were so full of.

“You okay?”  You ask, a gentle approach, voice velvety soft with hints of concern.

He doesn’t give you a verbal answer, only nodding while his gaze stays on his lap, the sweatshirt held weakly between his ringed fingers.  His silence is reason enough to believe that it was a lie.  You just couldn’t put your finger on what exactly had happened in the time you’d left the room to you handing him an article of clothing.

“Do you want…to go to sleep?”

The question pierces his doughy brain, stuffed with self depreciation and alienation, only a smidge of room available to process your words.  But even as the words puncture his thoughts, the self hatred won’t deflate fast enough.  So he stares.  He stares at you, those big chocolatey eyes dipped in sadness and self loathing, the ambience now melancholy.  An ache seeps into your chest, traveling up your throat and stinging your eyes at the sight of such a sorrowful man who had just moments ago blessed your ears with his deep laughter and looked at you with such glee.  Suddenly he was gone and once again, he was chasing his inner monologue, you could tell by the way he stared off into the distance, how he had removed himself from the room momentarily.

“Hey, what’s going on?”  You crouch in front of him, the blue light from the TV the only thing allowing you to map out his features.

“Nothing.”  He whispers, snapping out of his trance.

His irises warm up, only slightly, but you can still make out the muted glaze cast over them leftover from his moment of despair.  He isn’t out of the woods yet.

“I-I’m fine.  Sorry, was just…thinking.”  He mutters, slipping the sweatshirt over his head, the material fitting comfortably over his torso, hair now frizzier than before.

“What are you thinking about?”  

You almost lose him again, thoughts swallowing him and nearly drowning him right before you.  But the touch of your hand over his pulls him out, a token of your kindness.  A wordless reassurance that reels him back in.  

“Everything.”  He sniffles, head shaking as if to ward off the waterworks.

Eddie doesn’t let any tears fall, withholds them.  Forces them back into his tear duct, regretting the vulnerability he was further pushing onto you.

“Like what?”  You gently push, thumb stroking over the back of his hard working hand.

Moments follow your question, contemplation behind his gaze while he hesitates.  The world seemed to never be patient enough for him.  So you would.  

For him, you would.

As the gap of silence grows larger, you only give him more encouragement in the form of your thumb continuing to stroke his knuckles, your stare soft on his profile.  There was no rush, not when he’d just hours ago welcomed you into his tortured past.  Not when his nose crinkled as his eyes grew wet again, lashes coated and lip bitten between his teeth anxiously.

“Um–”  He chokes out, not a single tear allowed past his waterline.

You offer a squeeze of your hand, sympathy pouring from your touch into him.  He only tenses up at the sentiment, its effect foreign to him.

“I should go.”  Dragging his hands down his face, he’s puzzled when you stop him from standing.

“Eddie.”  You maintain eye contact with him, even as his eyes dart around the room, you attempt to keep him focused on you.  “I don’t know what’s bugging you but…it can’t be anything crazier than what you’ve told me tonight.”  

Uncertainty pools in his dark irises, honey hues nearly gone in the almost-dark room.  The TV lighting only offers you the tiniest crumb of espresso and swirling caramel that usually brought him to life.  Though, you aren’t entirely sure they’d even be there had you turned the lights on, his grim demeanor clearly yanking away any happiness he had experienced moments prior.

“I-I–why…why are you trying to help me?”  He struggles to get the question out, appearing to be engaged in an internal battle, almost as if he was blindly attempting to make his way back to you, his mind holding him hostage.

You can’t hide the surprise taking over your face, the utter horror at the fact that he would ask such a thing.  Maybe he regretted sharing everything now that he was allegedly sober again?  But that didn’t change your feelings on the topic, you cared.  Whether he word-vomited due to his scattered brain thriving off the alcohol or whether he was stone sober, his feelings mattered to you and you wanted him to know it.

“Because you’re a person, Eddie.”  You begin, once again taking his reluctant, clammy hand and draping your touch over his knuckles.  “Any person deserves compassion.  So what’s bugging you?  I won’t judge.  Promise.”

Holding your pinky out, an empathetic smile paints your lips.

“Pinky promise.”

Within seconds his eyes go from dark discs of despair to those famous honey pools of fondness.  You take note the way he doesn’t hesitate to wrap his pinky around yours, warmth blossoming in your chest and spreading all throughout your body.  And if he needs another moment of quiet after that, he doesn’t communicate it but you gladly welcome it.  

My feelings.  My feelings are bugging me.  Taking me hostage.

It’s what he wants to say but realistically he shoves the dreadful words into the back of his throat as he comes up with something else, another way to convey his thoughts without simply outing himself, making a fool out of himself that you would surely laugh at.  

“I-uh, I’m not very good at this.”  Eddie tries to escape the conversation.

To be fair, he did the same thing with his therapist, it wasn’t anything personal.  It was his own flaw.  But you may have better luck than his therapist, he regrets.  Simply because he would become something he didn’t want you to see him as: an emotionally stunted boy with too many complicated feelings, love drunk on the first girl who had given him more than the time of day.  Just because you were nice to him, didn’t entitle him to reciprocated feelings.

“That’s okay.  I don’t think anyone is.”  You whisper.

Eddie’s eyes shut tightly, his thoughts too painful to voice yet he forces them out–or rather they claw their way out of his throat the second he looks into your begging eyes.  Wordless pleas reach out to him as his brain threatens to shut down any and all communications.

“I just–I don’t…I shouldn’t even be here.”  He sighs deeply.  “I-I don’t deserve to be here.”

At his admission, you find it difficult to voice anything comforting.  Any words you had waiting for him were swallowed at the raw emotion he was displaying.  The look on your face forces him to continue, he needs to fix the situation but he fears he may just make it worse and chase you further away.  He had been digging his own grave for some time now, never learning when to just stop and lay in it.

“Chrissy–um, Chrissy.”  He whispers, eyes fluttering shut.

None of it made sense and he was trying his hardest to wrap things back around and allow you to make the connection in your head.

“You–you remind me of…C-Chrissy.”  A tear trails down his cheek, his hand rapidly wiping it away as he pathetically attempts to repair the conversation.

Instead of offering another squeeze to his hand, you make your way onto the couch next to him, thigh dangerously close to his as you run a hand up and down his back.  You expect the discussion to end there but he only continues.

“And–and that scares me.  Cause, it-it should’ve been me, I should’ve been dead–I should be dead!”  Eddie’s face grows more red, the topic clearly weighing heavy on his heart.  “I can’t–I can’t do it again.”  More tears flow down his tinted cheeks, uncontrollable at this point.

“It feels–it feels l-like it’s going to–to happen again.”  He becomes more and more worked up, barely breathing while he rushes the words out in one breath.  “Like–like the universe or some shit i-is gonna punish me.”  

Your eyes sting, that uncomfortable frown beginning to pull at the corners of your mouth as you watch him self destruct before you.  Something you’d never ask of him though he was voluntarily spilling the contents of his bleeding heart into your hands.

“Okay, okay.”  You begin to soothe.

“I d-don’t get good things.”  “G-good things don’t–don’t happen to me.”  He hiccups.

“Shhh, you don’t need to get upset with yourself.”

Bravely, you go to use the corner of a nearby blanket to blot at the tears trailing down his face to which he flinches away, shaking his head.  That alone would normally be enough to send you to the other side of the couch, bashfully avoiding eye contact until he took the initiative.  But something within you realized that he shouldn’t be left to take the initiative.  Not when he was displaying such pain, such vulnerability that you were convinced not many people had ever seen.  

“God, so pathetic.”  He utters under his shaky breath.

“Hey.”  You softly scold, hand wrapping around his forearm.  He doesn’t flinch at your advances this time.  “You are not pathetic.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Eddie.”

“Don’t throw me a pity party.”  He grits.

“I am not throwing you a pity party.  Stop that.”

It’s out of character, the way you stand up to him.  If it were anyone else you probably wouldn’t have made it this far into the conversation but you can feel your blood boiling as he dismisses his emotions.  You can’t sit by and allow him to continue throwing punches at himself.  Your sudden anger appears to silence him, his glassy eyes glancing at you in disbelief but still obeying your demand.

“I’m being a hypocrite but I-I just…stop.”  You whisper, the devastated look on your face enough to bring him to his knees if he were standing.  Instead he remains seated with his focus solely on you.

“I know…”  You search for the right words.  “I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t deserve good things.”

Eddie doesn’t interject your speech, only listens intently with sad eyes and wet cheeks.  He doesn’t deserve the time day let alone your dedication to his sorrows and worries.  

“I, um, I grew up practically raising my siblings.”  You begin to explain.  “And, um, that responsibility really makes it feel like your needs come last.  And it just gets worse and worse as the years go on because…it’s hard.  Feeling emotionally neglected while tending to everyone else’s emotions.”

His gaze doesn’t once wander, completely devoted to you, to your story.  There’s not an ounce of judgment seeping out of him.  The familiar feeling you were so used to when you opened up every once in a blue moon where you felt deeply misunderstood and silently criticized was nowhere to be found.  All you could make out was pure empathy.  Compassion.  Curious brown eyes searched into your soul, not just scraping the surface but fully diving into the depths you so willingly lead him to.

“I-I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone like that–like you did Chrissy.”  You tread carefully, as if you were afraid to even mention her name.  “I mean–I lost my dad recently but…I didn’t witness anything and it was because of health issues.  We weren’t close and I actually…really hated him.”  You nod, staring meanly into the carpet.

“But, I, um, I know what it’s like to keep people out.  It’s not fun but it’s all we know isn’t it?”  You chance a laugh, earning you the tiniest upturn of his lips.  “And I mean, things are fine with my siblings and my mom, I guess.  But it still feels like I need to shut them out.  To protect their emotions.  And for some reason it just…makes sense to leave them out of it?  I dunno.”  Your voice trails off, confidence wavering.

“It does make sense.”  Eddie speaks up, voice scratchy.

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.”  He bites his lip, canine digging into his own flesh before releasing it to speak again.  “Feels like they wouldn’t get it.  Or they shouldn’t have to.  At least that’s how it feels with Wayne.  I know I can tell him anything but…why bother him with all the shit going on in my life when the man has already gone through hell because of me?”  

He takes in a deep breath before sighing and continuing.  “Fuckin’ had to raise a kid that wasn’t even his.”

There’s a certain disappointment to Eddie’s tone, a condescending scowl splayed across his face, only directed at himself as he twists his rings around his fingers.  

“Um.”  He pipes up again, seeming to snap himself out of a trance he’d lured himself into.  “‘Nough about me.”  A smile spreads over his pretty lips, not a genuine one.

“Eddie.”  Like silk, your tone is soft.

“Stop doing that.  You don’t have to do that.  Not around me.”

His chest deflates with an exhale, his pretty eyes still wet and wandering around the room.  There’s a lost child hidden within them, someone desperately trying to cling to the current adult reality but appearing to get lost in the process.  That look was too familiar and there was a sliver of relief in knowing you weren’t the only one who wore it but it yanked on the most tender parts of your heart to know Eddie was suffering just the same as you, if not more.

“T-tell me about Chrissy.”  You whisper.  “Only if you want to.”  

When Eddie’s roaming gaze finally lands on you, he never would have expected to be met with such sincerity.  Not a drop of malice in your voice, not one trace of aggression.  The kind that he was buried in when forced to confront a whole town who suspected he was responsible for her death.  Every mention of her name was always followed by an accusatory finger and seething anger, pitchforks practically aiming for him.  The worst part was he didn’t blame them.  Now, he didn’t mention the hellish underworld beneath Hawkins to you and had explained that the earthquake took Chrissy with a vengeful force right in front of him.  You had no reason to believe him, but you did.  You could’ve believed he was a murderer as everyone else.  You didn’t.  A piece of him wishes he could go into detail about the horrors that once lurked under Hawkins but he’d already breached his contract enough telling you that he was attacked by “creatures”, never going into full detail and telling you that they were gigantic bats.  And you didn’t seem to mind, never pushing for further explanation, only taking what he was willingly giving to you.

“I…”  He begins.  “I…she…she was…”

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to–”

“No.”  He whispers.  His fingertips swipe underneath his eyes, collecting a fair amount of running eyeliner.  “I-I uh, I want to.”  He nods to himself.

“Chrissy was uh, was one of the good ones.  Not a mean bone in her fuckin’ body.”  Eddie starts.  “Even if she was in the ‘popular crowd’ she never bullied anyone.  She thought I was mean and scary at first but…she never…she never showed it.  She’d wave to me every now and then.”  He laughs at the memory, only making your soul ache.

“Now that I think about it, maybe she only waved because she was scared of me.”  He chuckles in self deprecation.  “Can’t blame her.  Everyone’s scared of me.  Always have been.”

“I’m not.”  

Your sudden interruption has his brows knitting together, a softness overcoming his eyes.  He was a mess of a man and you continued to tend to him as if he was deserving of any of your attention.  He wasn’t, and he truly believed that.

“What?”  Eddie attempts to buy some time, stupidly racking his brain for something of some kind of intelligence.

“I’m not scared of you.”

“I–thought you were.  I mean, I wasn’t exactly…nice to you when you first moved in.  I yelled at you all the time–you don’t have to lie to me.”  

“I used to be, yeah.  I’m scared of practically everyone before I get to know them so it wasn’t just you.  But I’m not anymore.”  You explain honestly.  “Keep telling me about her.  If it’s not too much.  She sounded like she was a lovely person.”  

“Yeah.  Yeah, she was.  Had a crush on her for like forever.  Like since middle school when we kinda hung out at the talent show.”  Suddenly, he’s shaking his head again, as if to erase his previous thought.  “It’s stupid.  ‘M twenty four and I’m whining about–”

“Stop.”  You whisper, a bold hand squeezing at his knee.  The action sends his nerves into a frenzy.

“Nothing you say is stupid.”

No one has ever been so patient, so accommodating over his feelings and deepest tragedies showcasing themselves in his darkest hours.  It’s strange enough that he begins to wonder if someone is pulling a prank on him.  If he’s being played like a violin only to be laughed at when the curtain is pulled back.  He couldn’t help it, it was all he had come to learn after all.  Eddie knew you didn’t have it in you to commit such a heinous act against another individual but his mind had been poisoned time and time again, only sending him into a spiral of ‘what-ifs’ any time positivity lingered just out of his reach to grasp if he was brave enough.

“I barely even knew her.”  He seemingly gives up, hand lightly smacking down on his thigh.  Your touch remains on his knee, burning a hole into his bones as he stares at it.

“That’s okay.  You clearly care about her.” 

It makes him want to scream, the way you validate every sentence he utters out.  It’s not what he’s used to, his therapist never even gives him this amount of attention.  And it’s not fair that a soul like yours had been damned to hear his problems and witness everything that made him ugly.  Eddie was convinced that his soul was tainted and if he imagined what it looked like, it was an inky black stain on reality with hardly any signs of life.  If he only knew that in the two months you had known him, he was the most vibrant and adoring soul you had ever come across.

“I–we just–we really connected.  Right before she died.”  He manages to struggle through his mind demanding that he internalizes his thoughts.  “It felt–good.  She saw me…for me.  Instead of some–some motherfucker that poisoned the town’s precious ecosystem and she didn’t see me as…a freak.”

You offer a nod, an encouragement for him to keep going.  His heart that he kept locked up tight in his chest had been slowly oozing out of him, trickling into your living room.  

“She, um, she had a boyfriend.  Jason.”  He clears his throat, staring at the ceiling.  “He was an asshole.  Not to her, he treated her real nice.  But when Chrissy wasn’t around he was a douchebag.  Started a manhunt for me when shit went down.  He thought I—he–he thought I killed her and—and sacrificed her?”  Eddie almost questions, as if he couldn’t believe his own words.

“All because…I was the leader of a Dungeons and Dragons club.”  He admits bashfully.  You only let your thumb glide over the rip in his jeans, a comforting gesture.  “Everyone, uh, thought it was a cult.  Satanic panic and all that shit.”

“That’s fucked.”

“I agree.  Super fucked.  Especially because it dragged everyone down with me.  Dustin basically put his life on the line for me, I’ll never be able to make it up to him.”

As he expresses his gratitude, Eddie pulls his right arm out of the hoodie sleeve, pulling the material up to display his bicep to you.  The one with the very badly doodled character, somewhat resembling a gnome.  

“But…”  He drags out, slapping the ink proudly.  “This did really excite him at least.”

You examine the drawing, taking his bicep in your hand without a second though as you try to determine exactly what you were looking at.  You didn’t want to offend him but you genuinely couldn’t make out the picture.  It was messy and scribbly and could have been created by a five year old.  “Eddie, I’m sorry but–what is it?”  

“Dustin drew it.  It’s his D&D character.”  

“Oh!”  You smile brightly.

“You don’t have to pretend it's good, he’s a shit artist.”

“Not shit.  Just…inexperienced…maybe?”  You joke, wincing at your own words.

“Very.”  Eddie confirms.  “Dustin’s more of a brains kinda guy.  Gareth and I took care of all the artwork, y’know like logos for the club and our band–”

“You had a band?”  A grin sneaks past your lips.

“I–uh–yeah.”  He admits with defeat, his shoulders slumping.

It’s only then that you realized you still had been tracing your fingers over the inked drawing, not one protest stopping you from doing so.  In fact, Eddie only glanced down briefly and smiled, his cheeks tinting pink.  It wasn’t clear whether it was because of your touch or because of embarrassment.

“Hang on, when did this all end up being about me?”  He glares at you with mock anger.

“No, no, no.  Don’t turn this around.  What was your band’s name?”

“Jesus Christ.”  He whispers, distress evident in his tone though his face only conveys amusement.

Eddie didn’t have to entertain the playful conversation that had suddenly engulfed the two of you.  He didn’t have to banter back or let you touch his arm.  He didn’t have to talk about Chrissy even though his mind was plaguing him and he was the one who brought her up.  Nothing was required of him and you made sure he was aware of that.

But oh, how you reveled in his endearing blanket of an aura as he allowed you to peek behind the oh so heavy curtain that hid his deepest and most tragic thoughts.

–

Marvin’s Grocery had become more and more familiar with your frequent trips over the weeks.  You were determined to perfect an apple pie recipe that would make anyone melt at the taste.  Donnie had extended an invite to her famous Thanksgiving dinner and though it was weeks away, preparations were still under way, your oven enduring more use than it ever had in its short lifetime.  

Guilt ate away at you as you placed the freshly baked pie on the counter to cool.  You didn’t want to be an intruder but Donnie was so insistent when gracing you with the plans back at the supermarket.  It would be your first Thanksgiving away from home and you were set on spending it alone, preparing to create a one person feast and pig out all by your lonesome.  Now, you were going to be faced with at least 30 other guests according to Donnie.  That was intimidating enough and when you tried to reject her invitation to save yourself some embarrassment, she only interrupted you, stating that everyone is going to love you and that even your short time in the spotlight at the Halloween bash left a great impression.  That everyone wanted to get to know you.

Then she bestowed the responsibility of one dessert upon you.  Everyone was required to bring at least one dish, store bought or homemade…it didn’t matter as long as you contributed.  You had weeks to perfect it and though you didn’t need to go through the trouble, the people pleaser in you raged on.

Cinnamon and nutmeg graced your nose, a comforting scent that had you salivating and yearning for a piece of warm, gooey apple pie.  The kitchen was a mess, bowls scattered along the counter top and a bag of flour leaking onto the floor.  You were usually consistent in keeping clean as you worked but the daunting task of perfecting your pie held your complete and undivided attention.  

Buttery, flaky crust called your name as you finished folding your laundry.  The TV blared some popular sitcom that had to have been new as you didn’t recognize it.  Regardless, the pie had interested you more.

It came out beautifully, nearly commercial ready with the criss cross crust and everything.  This was your best outcome yet and you only hope it tasted just as delicious as it looked.  You’d finally perfected the design and it didn’t completely deflate on itself this time, a win in your book.

Regretfully, you cut into the perfect dessert, forming the perfect triangle and plating it as delicately as possible.  This was your baby as far as you were concerned and the passion that had gone into it was going to be recognized, even if only by you.  A quick dollop of whipped cream is placed on top, the only thing missing was ice cream although you weren’t the biggest fan of pairing the two treats, satisfied with just the baked slice of heaven.

It was too flawless, the slice had been perfectly cut and presented like a five star restaurant had prepared it.  Such perfection could not be recreated and you simply needed at least one witness to applaud your work or at the very least acknowledge your newly discovered baking skills.  

–

Two knocks and no movement.  Yet…

The breeze nips at your cheeks, leaving you to regret not throwing a sweater on even if only for a few seconds.  Your hand shields the fresh slice of pie, a desperate attempt to conceal its warmth.  Your masterpiece would not be spoiled at the hands of the inevitably changing weather.  

Another two knocks.  A bit more urgent this time.

You can hear shuffling just beyond the door, an eager shiver running down your spine.  Irritation begins to build within you at the stinging sensation at the tip of your ears, the temperature being especially unforgiving.

Two more knocks.

“I’m comin’, I’m comin’.”  

You hear the grumble and can’t help but feel your spirits lift.

“Wha–Bambi?”  Eddie reveals you, a shivering mess on the porch with your hair in disarray and a plate of pie in your trembling hands.

Without hesitation, he steps to the side and waves you in.  There’s a certain coziness to him, his hair extra frizzy as if he had been laying on it and his eyes a tad puffy.  Almost like a large teddy bear.  His black sweatshirt swallows his torso although he’s wearing shorts, a psychotic move in this kind of weather.  

“Try this.”  You demand, holding the plate out in front of him.

His eyes only stare widely at the treat, grogginess obvious in the way he rubs his eyes and yawns.  Another postcard moment.

“What is it?”  He asks gravelly.  It just about melts you into a puddle on his floor.

“Apple pie!”  

Your enthusiasm takes him back, a surprised expression pulling at his features as he hesitantly takes it.  It crosses his mind that you mentioned taking on baking recently, a slow shift at The Bourbon pulling you both into mindless talk as you cleaned.  He gathers that you were at the peak of your sugar rush, no doubt stealing licks of batter and tastes of sugar as you baked.   If this was the result of you baking all day, he needed a minute to wake up.

“Okay, okay.”  He sighs, brushing past you to set the plate on his kitchen counter, snatching a fork from one of the drawers.

“Why do you need me of all people to taste test?”  He asks a bit unkindly.  He doesn’t mean it but you did wake him from a deep slumber, one of the best naps he had in a while.  Probably the only nap he’d taken in a while as he recalls.

You don’t seem to recognize his irritation, thankfully too caught up in the bubbling excitement around your homemade treat.  “Cause it’s for Thanksgiving and I really want it to be good.”  You explain, bouncing on the balls of your feet impatiently.

An eye roll has you blushing–it shouldn’t–but it does.  All of Eddie’s little quirks whether they were forming out of grumpiness or not, only made him all the more endearing.  The fork finally meets his mouth, heaven about to bless his taste buds–or at least you hope.  

As he chews, he makes it a point to keep a straight face, watching you squirm with anticipation being far too fun for him.  

“How is it?”  

Eddie shrugs.  Okay, maybe not all of his quirks were endearing.

“Eddie!”  You wail, hands gripping the edge of the counter.

“Alright, alright.”  He mumbles, taking a step back as he swallows.  The crust crumbles just right on his tongue, warm gooey apple goodness filling his taste buds and sending him right back to his childhood.  The happy parts.  “Really fuckin’ good.  You have any more?”  He asks, going in for another bite, a smug grin displaying across your face.

“No, you were being rude.”

“Wh–c’mon.”  He just about whines as you steal the plate from his reach, tucking it behind your back.

“Say sorry.”

“I’m not sorry, now give it back.”  An adorable frown pulls at his mouth.

“Eddie.”

“Bambi.”

Big brown eyes stare into yours, stubborn intent evident behind them.  It instantly fades when you give him your best pout, your eyes shining with a silent plea.  With a deep sigh and another eye roll, he gives in.  It was like stealing candy from a baby except even easier as he fumbled his stoic expression and contorted his face into something more apologetic.

“‘M sorry.”  He mumbles.

“You’re what?”  You smile, acting oblivious.  

“I’m sorry!”  Eddie throws his hands up in surrender.  “Happy?”  

“I guess.”  You sigh, placing the beloved dessert back on the counter for him to devour.

“Why you baking so much?”  

His mouth is crammed with pie after he asks, crumbs resting at the corners of his mouth and whipped cream decorating his upper lip.  You determine that he’s a messy eater, sloppily shoveling pie into his mouth until it physically can’t hold anymore.

“Thanksgiving.  I’m in charge of a dessert.  What are you bringing?”

“Nuffin’.”  He mumbles through a mouthful.

“Why not?”  You practically whine.

With a rough swallow, Eddie licks his lips, leaving no trace of the coarse sugar that was previously sprinkled on the crust.  When you glance down, the plate is empty, the pie had vanished into Eddie’s stomach.

“I’m not going.”  He says simply.

Not going?  If he couldn’t go back to Indiana for Thanksgiving, where was he going to go?

“I don’t uh, I don’t do holidays.”  He elaborates.

“Don’t do holidays.”  You scoff.  “You did Halloween just fine.”  

It should gross you out when he retrieves a carton of milk from the fridge and starts chugging it straight from the container.  It doesn’t.  Wiping his mouth with his sleeve, he sets the milk on the counter, eyes meeting yours as his elbows come to rest on the counter, his head propped up in his hands.

“Then that’s the only holiday I do.” 

“You have to go.”  You whine like a child, stomping your foot.

“I don’t have to do anything.”  There’s a certain kind of attitude in his tone, a playful attitude that wasn’t actually meant to offend you, only to spur you on.

“You have to go or else you can’t have any more pie!”  You complain.  “Please Eddie!  You’re like one of the only people I’ll know, you can’t not go.”

Your worried eyes and pouty lips are convincing enough though he might as well have a little fun.  Get under your skin.

“Now you’re being mean.”  He juts out his lip.

The look on your face is priceless, eyes widening and mouth hung open in shock.  “Am not!  You’re going to Thanksgiving because if you don’t then I’m gonna feel guilty the whole time I’m trying to pig out.”

“Guilty?”  An amused grin plasters itself to his face, his figure returning to tower over you as he ceases leaning over the counter.

“Yeah, you can’t spend Thanksgiving alone.”  

He swears there are tears in your eyes, making it unexplainably hard for him to tell you no.  Then again, he always found it hard to tell you no.  Just last week you and Jett begged to decorate the bar with pumpkins and other Fall objects.  The only reason he said yes was because you looked up at him with those perfectly pleading puppy dog eyes, your hands behind your back as you swayed back and forth.  And because you offered to use the pumpkins from your porch, the bar’s dwindling budget sure to be untouched.

“Tell you what…”  Eddie begins his proposition, you listening eagerly as you lean over the counter with your head propped in your hands as he had done seconds ago.  “If you make me my own personal pie—“

“Done.”  You chirp.

“I will consider it.”  He finishes, glaring at you.

“How about…I give you the rest of the pie I have sitting at home right now and you promise you’ll go?”  You light up at your own idea.

“I will consider it.”  He repeats.

“No deal.” 

You cross your arms stubbornly, eyes closing as you tilt your head up in a snobbish manner.  A groan escapes him, you peeking an eye open only to see his nose scrunched in defeat, his tongue licking the back of his teeth and clicking.

He lost the battle.

“Fine.”  He sighs, exhaling through his nostrils in annoyance.  

You don’t miss the tiny smile tugging on his lips as he collects the remaining whipped cream from the plate and licks it from his fingers.  His front was faltering, the big scary dog ready and willing to fall at your feet if you just said the word. 

~end~

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[merp0515]

Healing Past Scars Chapter 3 Distorted Memory

Summary: After the dealing with so many traumatic incidents, our beloved meme guardain boys have to come into terms with both past and present scars. Will they be able to conquer them with an iron fist or will those same wounds destroy them both?

Tags: Suicidal Thoughts,PTSD, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Healing , Developing Relationship

TW: The following story contains dark themes such as disturbing imagery.

Link to chapter 2’s Tumblr version is here , Ao3 link is here and Wattpad link is here

Morning arrived at the showgrounds. You could hear the birds chirping, the soft breeze touching the pine trees, and some depressed ass clown going through the showground owner's garbage dump again looking for anything to help his lovely rat friends get through their day.

With a groan, the blue meme guardian awakens. He didn't sleep well yesterday due to the nightmare he had. All of those images that appeared in his dream felt all too realistic for the meme guardian and it overwhelmed him. He laid there in bed for a minute staring at the circus-like ceiling trying to process and start his day off like he usually does. He sighs in defeat, honestly not wanting to get out of his bed closing his eyes once more.

Maybe for once I can wake myself up later in the day. He thought to himself as he readjusted himself on his couch bed and felt himself drifting into a deep slumber once more.

Silence filled the empty dark void where he stood. Four cautiously took baby steps forward so he didn't accidentally trip over himself as he walked through this space of nothingness. His ocean eyes filled with anxiety and fear as he walked around the place, unsure of where it's leading him to. All he could hear was his own breath and his footsteps leading him somewhere.

“So I take it that your latest attraction didn't really attract more people to the showgrounds huh?” A distorted voice spoke, causing the lad to jump in surprise.

“W-who are you? What do you want with me?” SMG4 spoke fearfully as he heard footsteps echoing in the background heading towards his way. The background around him changed from pitch black to a mix of yellow and black.

“I mean it should be obvious by my voice is.” It continued to say, the voice completely unrecognizable the more distorted it sounded. Four got into a fighting stance, just in case this thing was going to land a surprise attack. It laughs at him, taunting his tense stance as it saw SMG4 getting more anxious by the minute.

“Come out and show yourself!” The showgrounds owner responded angrily.

The laughing stopped.

Silence took over once more in the black and yellow area. The male eyes his surroundings carefully just in case a figure was trying to make any kind of movement.

Suddenly the sounds of footsteps were making their way towards him. He looks at the direction to where the footsteps were being made. Four squints his eyes closer, trying to figure out who or what this thing was.

The figure was getting closer to him and Four felt his breath hitch the more clearer it was appearing to be. He felt his stomach turn and felt like he was going to throw up from what he was seeing. This figure had the disgusting goop of eyes he remembered seeing from the old castle. The creepy red eyed thing wrapped itself all over his body and covered its left eye. His other eye was a bright yellow color and on the same side that he could see he had a mix of black and pink scars that covered the visible side of his face.

Four was frozen in place, unable to look away from the monstrous being that was facing him with sinister intentions.

His smile made him uneasy as hell. It didn't help either that his appearance looked exactly like someone he knew so well. Or in this case, someone that definitely hits a little too close to home.

Someone like…..

“S-M-G-4!” a certain Italian male screeched cheerfully. The fat Italian kicked his door wide open, waking the meme guardian boy from his second nightmare. Four jumped out of his bed and landed on the floor, his body covered in sweat and trying to catch his breath. Mario looked down to see Four on the floor confused, unaware of what the other male just went through his dream.

“Oh. There you are! Mario was wondering where you went!” The Nintendo icon spoke cheerfully. Four groaned in both pain and annoyance as he slowly got up from the ground and stared at the man already feeling both exhausted and relieved to see him.

“Morning Mario.” The tired male spoke. Four lets out a yawn and rubs his left eye from sleep as he waits to hear what Mario has to say.

“Mario wants to know if we are going to watch some memes together today! It's been way too long since we reacted to any memes and Mario misses seeing all the silly things we find!” The Italian male complained at Four.

The meme guardian sighed in response. He looked at Mario with a small fake smile to ease the energetic male.

“Sure why not? It has been a long time and I know the fans have been wondering when we planned to do another meme reaction of yours.” SMG4 said cheerfully as he stretched his back.

“Let me just eat first and then set everything up so we can record the video.” He spoke calmly. Mario's eyes lit up in excitement from the small gameplan Four made and did his signature jump in glee.

“Wahoo! Okie Dokie! Mario will wait for you to be ready! See you in the game room!” Mario said cheerfully as he did a peace sign and disappeared from his friend's room. Four chuckled at the Italian's silliness and got dressed in his iconic overalls, getting ready for his long and chaotic day with his friends.

The Fourth Guardian couldn't help but wonder back to the nightmare he experienced, trying to figure out the weird distorted thing that spoke to him. He sighs in defeat, his memory already blocking to ease his mind. He looks back at his computer set up and walks towards it. His eyes fell on the photo that was his desk and picked it up gently. He stares at it pensively as his internal thoughts were drowning out his surroundings. Four stared at one particular person in the photo, lost in thought.

Super Meme Guardian Three.

His former ex rival, now friend.

Time really changed these two ever since they discovered they were meme guardians by SMG1 and SMG2. If there was one thing he was grateful for, he was glad that they are on the same side now and going on adventures together.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

SMG4 puts back the photo where he first placed it and started to walk out of his room. A yawn escaped his lips as he sluggishly dragged himself to the front door.

“Mario, I'll be back! I'm gonna get some coffee from Three. Do you want anything?” The sleepy male shouted at Mario as he opened the door.

“Bring Mario spaghetti!” The red lad said from the game room. Four rolls his eyes at the request not surprised in the slightest but makes a mental note to ask anyway. “Alright!” He shouted once more as the blue man turned and headed towards Three's Coffee N’ Bombs to retrieve his favorite drink.

[prince-liest]

The specific phrasing of “hurt very pretty” is. I knew before this series I was more into the soft sadism/dom thing but it’s soooo rare to find someone who does the exact flavor I’m into and I think that phrase in my head sooooo often

Ahaha, I'm so glad you're enjoying it! I've always really liked, as you describe it, soft sadism, where it's about the intimacy, the connection, and the sort of delightfully recursive loop you get when the suffering is enjoyed, and the enjoyment of the suffering also contributes to the suffering, whether it be via enthusiasm or humiliation. Funnily enough, despite the kind of stuff that I write, S&M that feels genuinely callous and miserable is fully capable of squicking me if it hits just wrong. I really like writing sadism that feels tender, even when it's violent.

Five more asks under the cut! If you sent something about 666 in the past 24-ish hours, it's probably there!

Your newest channel 666 fic had me so mixed on how to feel "Oh ok they're drunk and Al's on his lap... that wasn't in the tags oh no vox isn't advancing... nevermind he's electrocuting Al, i get it, a little something to get the blood pumping oh no wait he's actually electrocuting him oh good lord he's screaming in pain"

Hahaha, god, tagging this chapter was really a fucking nightmare - if there's anything you think I missed that's important to include, PLEASE let me know, because I tried to cover my bases but I really had to give up after a bit. It's just One Of Those Chapters and the first time I've used the Graphic Violence archive warning for something that was just fully consensual sexy times, haha. I hope it was at least enjoyable overall! Alastor certainly had a good time.

I've binged your 666 series and it irreversibly changed my brain chemistry It's more canon than everything that happened in the show itself to me - @grimfeywizard

Ahhhh, thank you so much! >:D I definitely tried to mimic the style of canon for the characters, especially for the first installments before they kinda went their own way character development wise, haha. I'm glad you like it!! <3

I was at a convention all weekend and when you updated BOTH times I snuck out of my group and into a corner to read them I am completely obsessed with this series 🙏🙏🙏 -@urlocal-cryptid7

Omg, glad to add the cherry on top of your con experience, hahaha. Thank you so much!!

hey there, just wanted to say i’m absolutely enraptured with the 666 series! it’s absolutely amazing and one of my favorite fics out there right now. i’m always looking forward to it and checking for updates, great work!!!!

Ahhhh, thank you for the kind words!! I'm really enjoying writing it in all of its weirdnesses, so it's always so nice to hear that people are enjoying the odd directions it goes!

Another fun radiostatic song: The Masochism Tango by Tom Lehrer - @butwhyaretheycalledstrawberries

This is 100% what I had playing in the car on repeat when I wrote one of the previous installments, hahaha. It's a fantastic radiostatic song, especially with the level of sadomasochism I write into 666.

(Anon who was awaiting the drunk Alastor shenanigans here) Me, pre-installment 8 of 666: Oh My God, it’s happening. Everybody STAY CALM- Me, post-installment 8 of 666: *ugly sobbing* it was everything i could ever hope for, your honor. The Prince(TM) is good and merciful. So yeah, expectations met as always 👍

Omg, ehehehe - drunk Alastor was honestly SO fun to write, because it's just... taking away a lot of his worries and inhibitions, and the behaviors that normally accompany them. I took what Mimzy said about him being a kitten when he's had a few drinks and lets loose and ran with it, and it turned out very enjoyable. I'm glad you also had a good time reading, hahaha!

[thehotelpod]

ONE MORE WEEK OF DOUBLE STUFF OCTOBER LETS DO SEASON 5 OF IZZY'S EPISODE ART

5.1 Merp and Burble

Our first Big Named Event arc! "BEHIND THE CURTAIN" which I'm almost certain I picked because we could do this cool ass curtain frame device. Izzy continues to bring the pain here with photo bashed curtains, a modified Madam Hotel horrifyingly cartooning about like bugs bunny to reveal our almost Trevor Henderson-like trail cam timelapse photo of Merp. He also gave me a number of color options on this one, maybe we'll have a section in The Guestbook Vol. II of bts sketches? I'll ask Izzy. This one holds a special place in my heart because Merp is, as devotees will recall, just Scary Slar.

rest of the season under the cut! (it's long, you've been warned)

5.2 It Watches and It Smiles

look! The curtain connects at the top! It's gonna be one long picture!

This monster was actually based on a 3 foot tall hard foam statue we had in our house growing up. It is actually scarier looking than you are imagining, made every one of my cousins cry, and is not only something I had nightmares about but also one of the main reasons so much of my horror is "something weird is Over There but looking at you". Full disclosure, one of the reasons I put this monster in this episode was so that Izzy would have to draw a postcard of it and maybe someone would recognize it and tell me what the hell it is because I have not so much as a single photograph of it. BUT then Izzy showed me this drawing, which almost completely hides the monster but it's just so so good I couldn't pass it up. The implied shape and DYNAMITE bloody palm fronds make this look so much like a 90s book cover I fell in love right away. We always try to keep those season and episode numbers in the postcards now too, but I think we forget sometimes?

5.2 Nothing Can Kill That Which Glowers

LOOK AT THIS ONE. Madam Hotel rotting in the reflection of the bubble (she was supposed to show up more in those episodes and sort of be in the process of rotting but she ended up being a single light instead.), I'm crazy about the Owner here, Izzy loves to always keep a little monster in the mix when he draws the Staff. And miss Manager POPS like an 80s music video. Lot's of subtle layers and textures here that can get overlooked, but just like the lake the Owner sinks into, it deepens the longer you linger (did you find the episode number?)

I also like to remind everyone that 'That Which Glowers' is the Grimace and this episode title is a reference to the Clerks cartoon.

5.4 We Are...Watching You...

But are you really LOOKING at it? Do you SEE Izzy's MIND? Lined up you get back to back Managers mirroring each other as well as Madam Hotel in the wings of the now completed curtains--these doubles ALSO frame what is hopefully implied to be the Lobby Boy's hand reaching for his Manager. All of this duality and connection not only reinforces what we know about the characters and show already but set up beautifully the new mirrors about to arrive...

5.5 The Bellhop

THERE SHE IS! There's my goblin girl. You get the bloody vision of the Hotel as Hop sees it as well as the framing for a triptych of the New Crew, each on their own floor. The New Crew stands apart from the Staff in that they have canonical designs immediately, so there tends to be less variation on their fan designs. However there was like ONE WEEK or so before this episode dropped where people were drawing Hop ALL KINDS OF ways. She's one of my favorite designs Izzy's done for the show and I think it's partially because she looks a little like ET.

5.6 The Concierge

Shut up. Shut UP. Look at those colors. Look at that face. Look at those shoulders. Look at those colors! THE COLORS DUKE! THE COLORS!!!! and those printing spots breaking up the lines, all layered over starlight?! It should be, at this point, very hard for Izzy to outdo himself but...he just keeps on outdoing it. We jump down a floor here and the Concierge has slightly more brick surrounding him than the Bellhop did so my pattern recognizers in the crowd can probably guess what's coming next--

5.6 The Auditor

It's been pointed out that Aud has gotten the most detailed description of the main characters on the show. I try to always keep it vague so everyone can imagine whatever they like , but the Auditor is so weird I just wanted to play a little. I saw this scary looking, lonely monster begging to be seen in all white surrounded by nothing. Even the brick and mortar of the Hotel doesn't seem to want to be around her much. One thing I love about Izzy's work is how well he combines whimsy and fun with actual scary imagery. She looks really scary. That is a scary looking monster he drew.

I also think she kind of looks like this alien from Star Trek IV (hey look Star Trek showed up)

5.9 Tenaj Druh - 004 Moor

Oh how I wish I could have a full set of New Crew postcards from Izzy seeing season 1 from a different perspective (for that matter I'd love a full set of season 1 from Izzy, but one thing at a time). Getting to not only see Janet Hurd, but see the NEW CREW checking her in is so so exciting. And the Manager's TV's re-imagined as giant bloody eyeballs is expressed to it's grossest perfection here. Even the Goosebumps frame is tinted sickly green. (the rest of the season also has Goosebumps frames but I'm trying to show off Izzy's art I want you all to have a good look)

5.10 Tnurb Yrrah - 002 Moor

this one's bonkers. The Hubble's ultra deep field on the left, brains on the right but both halves of one face with the broken illusion between them that is just the building of the Hotel herself?? It's got poster folds and teeth for doors! This is a really stunning one that I feel like deserves a little more attention than it gets. Also maybe I spoke too soon on the Goosebumps frame, I don't...this one doesn't have one but maybe I just saved that file somewhere weird.

5.11 IT'S NEW YEARS EVE, JUDY BLASHY!

This is i think the first one we did that had a Goosebumps frame baked in. You can see the 5 and 11 on the clock give us our season and episode number, but that gets a little lost on the printed version so here it is in all it's glory. Love to get to see Judy here her FACE is so EXPRESSIVE and sharp. Notice how Izzy does NOT draw her with a gap tooth. Is that gap battle damage, or some aesthetic flourish the Hotel likes for her bodies? You'd have to ask Izzy. Also love getting to see him draw the things in her furnace room, which are like huge and imply a much larger elevator inside the box. Always reinforcing that boundaries and rules do not apply at the Hotel

they are also based on the family from Mac and Me

what the fuuuck?? why are they so scary??? why are they like that?? why did they make this movie this way?? I was a child!

5.12 The Reaper's Envy

Finishing up the season is this gorgeous party poster that would be right at home in the 90s. Other than the colors (THE COLOR!) I want to point out the confetti that breaks out of the border that also quietly includes some vermin (all up top, letting your eye drift down to the New Crew being reflected in what hopefully everyone assumed was Judy Blashy's eye. Of course we know now who's eye that is and what it's connected to (nothing its nothing it got cut out)

And that's season 5. Now we have entered the @filthyguts desert and must wait once again for the rains to return. I've got new ideas for season 6 that are gonna completely change how we do the art for the show and maybe we can even squeeze some button designs out of him when we launch the next wave of stuff we're launching.

I've said it before and I'll say it again and again and 100 more times, but Izzy's art is a hugely important part of the show, a source of inspiration not only to the fans who listen but to me myself (especially in my lower moments) and I am so so happy that his art and his style has come to define the show.

[eyeofthechasm]

Hi hello I know we've literally just met this very moment but please tell me everything there is to know about your isat OC, I crave knowledge.

HWIWHSIWHEKWNS HI OK !!! This’ll be extremely scattered tho so be warned

Also sorry this took so long 😭😭 i was havin a day yesterday lmao

(Full game spoilers under cut)

So!!! Lorenzo Silvana Halloran ! He/him pronouns, Scissors/Rock dual type with the title of The Performer. He’s 22, half portian and half islander. (Mom was Portian, dad was an islander)

Starting w backstory stuff: When the Country disappeared, he was only 12. He washed up on some random beach with only some tattered clothes, a notebook and a small ring. He stayed with his mom for a little while though left to venture on his own at 14 bc she actually sucks and is terrible.

Living in Portia, he’d grown fond of live performances of all kinds. Music, plays, comedy shows, etc. He ended up doing a few of his own and building somewhat of a name for himself. It became a fine source of money for him.

Isabeau and Mirabelle heard about him a little after Isabeau joined. He’d tagged along for navigation to find the second orb and greatly impressed the two with his skills and he joined ! (After getting proper clothes bc the only fitting ones he had were. Performance clothes and coverups plus one other set of clothes)

Ok !! Now onto everything else

Nicknames, others to him-

Mirabelle -> Renzo

Isabeau -> Renz, Enzy

Odile -> Lorenzo

Siffrin -> Zo, Renzo, Enzy

Bonnie -> Zo/Zozo, Loren (he absolutely hates this. Bonnie thinks it’s hysterical)

He heavily prefers Renzo over Lorenzo, as his full name always feels too formal to him.

Nicknames, him to others-

Mirabelle -> Mira, Belle

Isabeau -> Beau, Ibabeau (hot stuff)

Odile -> D, Odile (shes intimidating leave him alone)

Siffrin -> Siffs, Rinrin, (pretty)

Bonnie -> Bons, Bonbon, Kid/Kiddo

He’s incredibly kind, though a little obnoxious and incredibly closed off. He doesn’t really know how to be super genuine without being incredibly uncomfortable. Also doesn’t ever show fear ever at all. Never he’d rather die.

He hates any blood in large amounts not his own. Hates it. Not a phobia, but it makes him freeze up completely. He didn’t do that good when Siffrin lost his eye. That was the very first time they all saw Renzo actually scared ! Like visibly shaken ! He never did it again tho

He loves puns. Him and siffrin are an absolute fucking nightmare together

His hair is naturally darkless, but he dyes it a vast number of shades. It’s fun and covers up his grays (yes he has grays at 22. Genetics <\3)

He’s the tallest party member ! 6’1 without heels

He used Craft to alter his teeth, which are pointy as hell now, and his vocal chords, so he can hit ridiculous notes he really shouldn’t be able to hit.

His accent is a fucking mess. Similar to Siffrin’s, but mixed with both Vaugardian and Portian.

He really wants to craft more ridiculous stuff onto his body (like pointy ears n shit) but doesn’t. Remember how to do body craft. So he needs to re-learn (from isabeau hehehe)

He loves chocolate, but would only try super weird flavors if Siffrin was doing it with him

Chatty drunk. Absolutely will never shut the fuck up

Has called Odile “mom” on more than one occasion.

He sleeps on the floor bc he can’t fit on the clocktower beds 😞😞 leg too big

Haven’t exactly decided on weapons yet but his weapon will either be an old modified guitar that literally couldn’t play anymore OR these

Thats all for now, but i’m absolutely adding more as i figure out more abt him. Official Renzo info post

[madeofcc]

Random things and easter eggs about DH Melodia and DH 3...

No huge spoiler here (except one) but mainly stuff you didn't notice while reading it.

The story is almost over (only 3 chapters left) and I don't think there's going to be any huge references like before as it will be focused on Leïla and Hiro story.

It's also going to take me a while to make it (my game is acting weird lately with infinite load on main lots ...) so I guess this is a little thing to keep you waiting ^^

Melodia : Have you noticed all the references so far ?

The episode started with the usual editing but when the spell starts on the next day, the episode changes into a "movie" with 16:9 format (remember this is a musical after all).

The usual editing format will be back at the end of the spell so be carefull to that by the end of the episode I guess 😋

Main references : outfits !

As you probably noticed if you read the story, the characters have a loooot of outfits this episode even though it all happens the same day. Why ? Because usually characters/artists have several outfit when they sing, outfits that illustrate their current mood most of the time.

I also put a lot of references to the original song/video/movie, well at least I tried my best :

Hiro and Leïla are wearing similar outfits than Xander and Anyah in the Buffy Musical special, the scene is litteraly a tribute to the original one as we see the couple arguing and dancing in their home.

The couple also have a Midsommar poster on top of their bed to illustrate that something's going on in this relationship ... (Will Hiro burn at the end ? Or is it their relationship ?)

Aïssa has Barbie The Movie outfits as she's the Barbie of the gang and she always wears pink.

Milo wears a lot of band merch t-shirt (his favourites).

The Lambda Beta sisters are all wearing Taylor Swift's inspired outfits. All of their outfits are inspired by either a Taylor outfit or an album like Lover (blue and pink dress to match the colours of this album). Kayla is a mix between 2 Midnights outfits.

Julia represents Reputation as she's the snake of the story . She also has similar outfits to Taylor when she sings look what you made me do.

Mindy has a similar outfits to AnyahTaylor-Joy 's one in Last Night in Soho (as she sings the cover from the movie. this is one of the best movies I've seen in 2021 and probably in my life, so watch it whenever you can). Mindy illustrates some kind of purity here as Thomasin in the movie (I don't show you her look here to keep the surprise if you watch the movie). Just like her, she'll be impacted by the city and its danger ...

When Leïla sings Drinks by Cyn, she also has a similar outfit to Cyn's one in the videoclip. That's also why her hair are more curly than usual, even though her hair are naturally curly. I also choose a skirt suit because Leïla is more a skirt girl ^^

The spell doesn't work on Destiny first but when it gets more powerfull, it starts to impact her as well (which bring to the Physical scene in which she has a similar look to Dua Lipa's one in the videoclip). I also put the different colours because I thought it was fun.

DH3 ....

Yes, I also put some things that are going to impact DH3, the next season of Destiny Harbour. As Melodia is supposed to be a huge introduction to Britechester and the new characters/plots, a new kind of evil/enemy is also rising slowly ...

Destiny Harbour : Nightmares at Britechester will be a horror story remember ?

[lilaclunablossom]

Björk - Homogenic Review

I heard Björk’s 3rd album, Homogenic, as part of going through her discography for the first time. I heard the standard version. She’s quickly becoming one of my favorite singers; I love the timbre of her voice, and her passionate style. I guess this is her most famous album? I dunno, but I’m happy to report it’s a banger.

“Hunter” starts the album with a moody combination of spooky, reversed-sounding atmosphere, stuttery drum machine hits, and daunting strings. It sets the tone of the album well, and it’s pretty good stuff. Apparently the lyrics are about her feelings of newfound fame in the music industry at the time. It’s a great beginning to the album – stating that she’ll keep hunting for new sounds no matter what.

“Jóga” is actually the song that introduced me to Björk, when someone sent me it in a DM. But it had been a while since I heard it, and I wasn’t prepared for the fucking epicness this track unleashes. Two minutes in you get the first shit-hits-the-fan moment of the album, where a thick, distorted drum beat and groovy, perfectly-modulated electronic bassline suddenly BURST into the 2nd chorus. The strings are incredible; her vocals are passionate; everything about it is amazing. I think there’s even a polymeter? I dunno, this shit is crazy. The lyrics seem to cover a hefty amount of themes too, including her love of Iceland and how it shaped her.

“Unravel” is a pretty laid back tune with slow, washed-out drums. I love the somber atmosphere and how the drums become distorted, but it’s mostly carried by her gorgeous vocal melodies. The lyrics are also an interesting description of when 2 people leave each other, then reconnect.

“Bachelorette” is another incredibly epic piece, with a large variety of booming percussion, dramatic strings you should always expect from Björk, and even a NASTY piano bassline. At this point, the album really seems like it wants to blow your mind every other song.

Oh, did I say every “other” song? “All Neon Like” is hands-down my favorite track on this album. I’ve never heard anything like it. It begins with possibly one of the most beautiful, ethereal melodies I’ve ever heard, before bringing an extremely interesting hyper-distorted drum beat. Then after 2 minutes you’re greeted with THAT fucking synth. Extremely noisy but not too harsh, playing a rhythm so groovy and quirky I can’t help but dance while smiling like an idiot. It fits SO well with the drum rhythm, too.

“5 years” is a fun-sounding song with a cute synth, playful bassline, and the distorted drums you should expect from this album. It’s very euphoric when the strings come in, and the song is an empowering expression of unrequited love.

“Immature” begins with a sampled vocal and jungle d&b-esque bassline, before delivering yet another show-stopper moment, where the bass gets heavier and it becomes groovy as fuck. What do you expect from this album by this point? I love how the lyrics convey growing past the popular notion that you need someone else to complete you, and she gives one of the sauciest Björk-growls I’ve heard from her in a while. If you know what I’m talking about, you know.

“Alarm Call” has a wonderful mix of awesome hip-hop beats, industrial vibes, and psychedelic synths. It’s a super fun listen, and a joyous expression of nature and love for music.

“Pluto” sounds like the kind of dystopian nightmare Hiroyuki Sawano would make, with ridiculously aggressive synths and drums. I love hearing the Björk-growl with that kind of distortion, but the song really doesn’t do much for me melodically or compositionally. I love the lyrics though; they’re kind of hilarious as well. Seriously, if you’ve never heard this album, at least look up the lyrics for Pluto and get a good laugh.

“All Is Full of Love” ends the standard edition of the album with really beautiful ambience full of reverb. The sounds expand pretty nicely as it goes on.

This album is amazing, and after 3 albums I feel like I now fully understand Björk’s solo work as mostly focused on sound selection and design, and her incredible singing. Her lyrics are always cryptic but fun to analyze, too. The last 2 tracks might not do much for me at this current time, but I was fully on board beforehand, and it’s insane how many flat-out BANGERS this record has. 4.5/5 Talk to me in a few months and it might be a 5

[quite-right-too]

20 Questions Game

Thank you for the tag @demdifferentstories-29 I want to add that most of my old works on AO3 have since been deleted unfortunately so I'm basically starting from scratch on here.

How many works do you have on AO3?

Currently 4 (but I have some plans for more)

2. What's your total AO3 words count?

15,718

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I write almost exclusively for Doctor Who but I'm considering doing other DT crossovers like Broadchurch.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

I only have four up right now so I'll just list them in order from most to least.

Dona Nobis Pacem (TenRose modern AU)

TenRose Ask Box Ficlets (ongoing inbox prompt ficlets)

Last Words (post-Journey's End nightmare drabble)

Grand Finale (one shot of @sneakertin's dark!Tentoo AU)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I will always respond to comments. I love the engagement and being able to talk to the readers of my silly little stories. The validation really gets me in the mood to write more.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

That title will easily go to Grand Finale because it's DARK. Chapter 17 in TenRose Ask Box Ficlets is also really heartbreaking.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Dona Nobis Pacem is still a WIP but it will be having a happy ending, I promise.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I haven't really written enough to get any hate yet, but I do get a lot of heartbroken readers when I post angst.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I haven't but I do have some planned for the WIP I have going on right now.

It'll be F/M simply because that's the ship I write for and how my fics are written. I don't know if I'll write any F/F or M/M in the future, but it's always a possibility.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I have no yet, but wait til y'all see all the little things in my brain.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't believe so but you never know.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I can confidently say that I have not.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I haven't done a legitimate co-written fic yet. I would love to, but I'm not entirely sure of how it would go, especially since most of my work in the past has been educationally related and I've been the sole person working on it.

However, the wonderful @demdifferentstories-29 has been beta-ing Dona Nobis Pacem and she has added a substantial amount to it so I would basically consider it a co-writing situation. Lily is an amazing author and I'm legitimately still giddy to have one of my favorite fic writers beta-ing my silly little thing.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

All time favorite ship will always be TenRose. Obviously, TentooRose is in there mixed in, but that's simply semantics. He IS the Doctor so...

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I don't know that I have one that I don't intend on finishing, but I always worry that my muse will just disappear on me and I won't be able to finish the few that I have started right now.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I like to think that my angst is pretty damn good. I used to do a bit of writing for an old OC RP I used to do and the angst of that was heavy.

Also, making sure things are accurate. Doing my research, reaching out to more knowledgable people on the topic who can better assist, and just overall covering my bases to make things as realistic, accurate, and respectful as possible.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I'm more of an essay/research proposal writer versus a novel writer, which means I have a lot of issues with telling and not showing. Another major issue is, again, being able to give accurate and intimate descriptions of the actual scene so the readers are able to visualize it themselves.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don't know that I would do great since I would have to rely on Google Translate for it, but I would absolutely be willing to add it in there.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

It has always been Doctor Who. I know my old fics are still on this blog somewhere, as well as probably on my old laptop wherever it is.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

The obvious answer would be Dona Nobis Pacem, but I have a lot of plans for the Grand Finale AU in the future. That is one I'm super excited to work on this coming winter.

Tagging: @thirdeyeblue @tenroseforeverandever @rudennotgingr @lastbluetardis @gingerteaonthetardis

[blazehedgehog]

The Gradual Degradation of Fortnitemares

Getting to be so let down with Fortnite lately. Much like how people get excited for Scream Fortress, Fortnitemares used to be this incredible thing. All the houses on the map would get decorated with inflatable witches and pumpkins and ghosts. There were spooky graveyards to explore, all kinds of fun stuff

As Fortnite continued and they leaned more and more on the lore, the map got away from urban environments. Fewer houses means fewer decorations. And Fortnite started getting into a habit where chapters got shorter and shorter and shorter -- Chapter 1 was something like three or four years, Chapter 2 was two years or less, and Chapter 3 was almost one year on the nose, ending just after Fortnitemares in 2022. Dataminers suggest that Chapter 4 was also supposed to end after Fortnitemares 2023, but the new map isn't ready yet, so supposedly Epic is considering a tiny interim season just for December so they can take Christmas break in peace and worry about launching the new chapter when they get back. I think that's fair.

Going back to the urban environments -- Chapter 1 Fortnite was all about towns. Greasy Grove, Tomato Town, Pleasant Park, Retail Row, all of them were full of houses. Retail Row would even get a Halloween Store like the map's own personal Spirit Halloween that you could visit if you wanted to see all the Halloween decorations in one room. It also had multiple farms, and farms mean things like corn mazes and more.

Chapter 2 was, in every way, a better Fortnite. Everything was more organic feeling than the Chapter 1 map was. It felt less tile-based. And it still had plenty of towns -- notably, Pleasant Park and Retail Row carried forward, and close to one fourth the map was covered in a vast forest that could be kind of spooky even in the summer. Also, that Halloween store got an upgrade, moving to its own location -- the Halloween MegaStore, which not only housed TONS of decorations, but even displayed previews of Fortnitemares Skins. As Fortnitemares drew close, the entire map was enveloped in spooky, endless fog, showing off Unreal Engine 4's great volumetric lighting, and a special "Nightmare Royale" mode was enabled, where you respawned as ghosts that could terrorize the living.

Chapter 3's map was hard fantasy. Coastal settlements dominated by "The Seven", whose buildings were charitably described as "We have Star Wars at home." What urban environments it had were quickly destroyed -- not much reason to put up decorations in a demilitarized zone, after all. A house or two dotted around the map still featured the very rare Halloween decoration, but things were so dire that they straight up teleported a spooky farm into the middle of the map right before Fortnitemares just so they'd have something. Whereas Halloween would take over large portions of previous maps, the farm and the map's giant "reality tree" were the only places designated as Halloween-safe zones. Getting near them would enable a special vision mode that would suddenly make everything look dark and foggy, but 99% of the map remained un-spooky. It was, bar none, the worst Fortnitemares in the entire history of the game.

Chapter 4's big new feature was its modular map. Sort of like how they dropped a farm into Chapter 3, in Chapter 4, huge segments of the map changed from season to season. Cyberpunk cities just dropped out of the sky one day, as did Japanese pagodas, plus vast (and annoying) jungles dug up from underground. The map even launched with spooky castles built right in by default and maybe the biggest farm the game had ever seen. Even back in January, I was thinking, "this could make Fortnitemares awesome again."

Chapter 4 has been a mess. This Gamespot article talks about what a jumble it is -- and before you ask, yes, Fortnite does have a storyline. Or it used to. Chapter 4 was apparently planned out well in advance and then (as per rumors) the order of everything may have gotten mixed up as crossover plans shifted or were canceled entirely. Friends and I figured this was what also spoiled Fortnitemares 2022 -- a rumored Lady Gaga concert ultimately never materialized, despite the season's "spooky rave" motif. The suggestion now in 2023 was that Epic had apparently been banking on a Persona 5 crossover to launch season 2, and when they weren't allowed to use Joker, it threw all of Chapter 4 out the window with it. The game has spent the last 11 months spinning its wheels and under-delivering on map updates -- sure, each season sees massive changes, but Fortnite used to actually mean a Fort Night, with bi-weekly updates that would shift a dozen mini-stories forward bit by bit.

Chapter 4 does none of that. The map changes once every three and a half months and that's basically all you get outside the thinnest strands of MMO-style quest progression and an overarching narrative that has gone from "not really making much sense" to "beyond a waste of time."

So stop me if you know where I'm about to go with this: Chapter 4, Season 4 launched maybe a month ago, and as of a night or two ago, Fortnitemares 2023 officially began.

That big spooky castle? They dropped a tropical resort on top of it.

The biggest farm in Fortnite history? So far... untouched.

Halloween decorations? The most you get is a candy bowl sitting on a curb of some houses.

There are little bits of Halloween flavor -- the tropical resort is owned and operated by a Playboy Vampire (in the James Bond sense, not the porn sense). Since the launch of Nitemares 2023, he's vamped out, and you get a special shotgun that shoots wooden stakes. But he's also trivially easy to fight, even by the standards of Fortnite's usual PVE "boss" characters.

Nitemares staples like the Pumpkin Launcher and the Witch Broom have returned, though the Broom has less "returned" than been wholesale replaced with something that, to me, feels considerably more nerfed compared to the original item (it also doesn't make the cool sounds anymore).

And, like, it's early, yet. We could still just be getting started. Maybe the best is yet to come. Epic was apparently telling streamers that Fortnitemares this year was "going to be big." But I look at things right now and I feel the same underwhelming feeling I've had all of Chapter 4. And I look at the news lately that a lot of Epic people, guys like Donald Mustard, Sergiy Galyonkin, and one of Fortnite's chief artists, Drew Hill, have all left the company over the course of Chapter 4... plus the state Fortnite itself lately...

And it's starting to feel like there might be writing on the wall.

Over a year ago, half jokingly, a friend told me about his theory for the eternalization of Fortnite. Epic would probably never retire the game, but they would restructure its output so that new seasons would funnel into the game's growing Creative Mode, effectively turning it from a Battle Royale into their equivalent of Roblox. And the more time goes on, the more what he said is starting to feel right. Fortnitemares also features the game's newest UI refresh, which pushes creative maps right on to the main home screen in something that looks more like Amazon Prime Video than a video game.

Now, maybe more than at any point in history, Fortnite feels the most like The Product and not a game. One designed to take less resources to maintain and continue to generate some amount of infinite money.

I never expected the good times to last forever, but it's sobering to think Fortnite's best years may be long gone and never to return.

[surviving-cptsd]

The Beginning - Diagnose of CPTSD

Hello and thank you for taking the time to read. Some of you may know me already from interactions with my shop or maybe through my community. I am the designer and owner of Little Home Mades and my name is Jessica. I am a wife and mother of 4 children and 3 step children so a total of 7. I have been mauling over the idea of writing a blog or a book, or anything for some time. Most times I am on Facebook in my select groups and will post whatever I can to help ease mothers and fathers who are struggling with their children or certain situations and will attempt to share bits and pieces of my knowledge with them without trying to overwhelm them. I worried about writing a book or a blog because I knew how complicated my life has been. Some may feel it's even not real or a lie and I've always had difficulty processing that kind of response because that's part of my trauma growing up - not being believed. I've had mix reactions to people through other social media platforms so whenever posting my own issues, I will usually post it anonymously. I do this to remove any bias and also so I don't feel shunned in the community I'm in for future posts. I'm sure many have run into this group with Facebook and Twitter groups is people will click your profile, pull up old posts and then judge you based on your past responses if you disagree with their views and openly share that disagreement. This is what ultimately lead me to start this blog. I wanted to share my experiences to make sure people know, they are not alone, that they are heard, and that it's okay to feel the way that they feel and it's okay to be not okay. As my blog plainly points out, I am diagnosed with CPTSD which stands for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for those who don't know. Also for those who need to know the difference between CPTSD and PTSD, PTSD is one traumatic event, CPTSD is many over a long span of time. You're basically re-traumatized over and over and over again. When you feel you're finally over one event, another happens. This leads to multiple different symptoms and the biggest one I've seen lately is the fact that people don't realize they even have it. They're just so used to these events, they're almost normalized. They also tend to feel like they can handle another event because of the intrusive thoughts of "I've dealt with worse,", "It could be worse,", or "It's not as bad as other's experiences,". Every experience is different and every reaction is different, there is no mold. When you are formally diagnosed it is a form you do with many many questions with a therapist who is specialized in trauma. Some of them sound like trick questions, but the overall score of your answers is what gives you the actual diagnose. Some people may have nightmares, where as another person has insomnia, or some people may duck and cover to fireworks, whereas another person has a panic attack while sitting on their computer. You don't have to have every symptom listed to have CPTSD, you may only have a handful and feel they are minor occurrences or not even worth mentioning, but when they're all laid out in the open, a pattern emerges that you may have never noticed before. I say all this because this is what happened to me. For a long time, I had unexplained pain in my chest that would randomly occur starting in my early teens. I would feel like I couldn't breathe. My chest would become tight and best way I could describe it back then was that "I can't expand my lungs with too much air without excruciating pain". I once told my father about this happening to me, and he told me that he had the same thing, that it must be genetic. He also told me that his stopped as he got older, so I took that and ran with it for years.

Finally in my very late 20s, I reached out to my doctor. I don't go to the doctor often because I feel always ignored about any complaint I may have, but I just wanted his opinion on it. The last episode I had before going to see him was when I was playing Civilization VI on my laptop reclined on my couch. Literally nothing triggered me, and then BAM! I'm screaming at my husband that I can't breathe and I practically threw my laptop as I scrambled to get up off the couch. So I scheduled and went to my doctors and told him about this pain I'd been having. To my absolute shock, he almost panicked. He told me he felt I was describing the symptoms of a heart attack, but I was only in my 20s. It actually scared me, suddenly I'm being told that this is not normal and that something must be wrong with me to have these issues. He scheduled multiple tests including an MRI, and EKG and ultrasound of my heart. When I came back from the tests, he told me I had a slight murmur but otherwise I was in perfect health. That's when he told me "You're having panic attacks". I was taken aback hearing that and I honestly didn't believe it. My understanding was that a panic attack is when the eyes dilate and you think you're under attack. Having chest pains out of seemingly no where in non stressful situations didn't compute to me as a panic attack. He then told me he was going to recommend me to a therapist. Overtime this therapist told me I had CPTSD and I didn't believe her either because again my understanding of PTSD was that it had to do with huge events like life threatening situations or going over seas in the military. I had felt I never had any that would warrant me having CPTSD but subsequently I discovered, as I started to recover, that they were right all along. So I am now writing this blog, almost 40 years old, because I hope it will help others or at least let them know they're not alone. Overtime in my blogs I will speak about my childhood and my events that happened throughout my life. These things may be difficult to read for some and hard to understand. I will do my absolute best to post these events in order and supply as much detail as I can to help alleviate any questions. However, if you have questions, please feel free to ask me anytime or comment here, there will be no judgement from me. Before I end this blog I wanted to point out the phrase I chose to make my title, "I don't know how you do it,". This is a common phrase I hear almost weekly if not daily - to this day. I know the people who say it mean well, they feel they need to praise me for putting up with so much. However, this phrase actually can be fairly damaging to those who have experienced any kind of trauma. The reason being is this sentence implies there was a choice, that the person is only strong because they endured their painful event. There wasn't a choice, so that is always my response to those who say "I don't know how you do it," I say "I didn't have a choice,". I encourage those who speak with others who have endured any difficulty, not to use that phrase. The phrase you're looking for is "I'm sorry," or "I'm sorry you went through that,". It may sound like a bland response, but it is the most meaningful. You are recognizing and acknowledging this person's story and that's all a person wants is to feel heard. You can do so much by giving someone affirmation when they open up to you about something that has happened in their life. So I will end this blog today - here. And the next one I will start off with my earliest childhood memories and will build from there in future posts. Please feel free to comment or ask any questions, I am not here to judge you, I am here to hear you and help you to the best of my ability. Have a wonderful day!

[acircusfullofdemons]

ask game by @/maddgical-boy [link]. didn't answer some bc I either didn't feel like it or didn't have an answer.

how long have you been daydreaming for? (bonus if you can remember: what was your first daydream scenario/paracosm?)

Ever since I was a little kid. My teachers would always make a note along the lines of “good student, but daydreams way too much”. My memory is dogshit so I can only fathom what 6yo Luka was daydreaming about.

if your paracosm had a popular fandom, what do you think it'd be like?

Well. 2/3 of my main paracosms are technically fictparacosms, so I don’t have to imagine. But overall, a nightmare. I would probably get canceled for cursing out a fan lbr 💀

do you have any paracosms that aren't huge, but that you fall back on when The Time Is Right™️?

Yes! Crystalized Dragons & Life After Death are both paracosms that don’t have much, but I get fixated on them every so often and it’s a fun time. 

WOULD YOU RATHER: have your daydreams projected onto a screen attached to your head at all times OR be entirely unable to daydream ever again for the rest of your life?

😳 how big is this screen ... cuz unless it’s phone size/easily coverable, yeah no just erase the daydreams from my brain.

how did you come up with your paras' names? did they come to you randomly or did you spend hours researching name websites?

Some are random/based on vibes, but I like to give their names meaning depending on what happens to them. And there are others whose name is a pun, because they aren’t tormented enough 😂

do you do extensive worldbuilding for your paracosms? if you do, what are some of your favorite elements?

yes … that is. nearly all i do, like 90% of my daydreaming is just lore shit ngl. there’s a lot of things I like about worldbuilding, but I guess the magic systems are my favorite since I think about them the most. 

if your paras found out you were their creator, how would they react?

Not well, I’d imagine! I’ve put them through … a lot of shit. So. I think they’d take turns cursing me out and trying to kill me.

if you have a self insert/paraself, how similar are they to you?

Technically Calypso is a self insert, he was originally supposed to be one but then I thought he was better as an OC. I kind of still consider him one though, ngl. Anyway, he’s nothing like me at all! 

Vincent, on the other hand, is much more similar to me. I’m not gonna state how, because yknow. Personal shit. But they’re more in line with being a self insert/paraself. 

is there any time of the day where you can't/don't daydream?

… not really?? I guess during work, but unless it’s really busy (which it rarely is unless it’s the holidays) then yeah, I basically daydream all the time. Well, not like 24/7, I take breaks and get daydream blocks. And it’s not like I’m doing full daydreams either, most of it is just running on in the background, like a tv show. 

are your daydreams linear and structured, or do you jump all over the place?

A mix of both! There’s a set story, but I jump around in said story. 

what's a song you've been daydreaming to lately, and what's your favorite moment in said daydream?

My Alcoholic Friends by The Dresden Dolls. My favorite moment is during the lyrics “Should I choose a noble occupation? / If I did I'd only show up late and sick / And they would stare at me with hatred / Plus my only natural talent's wasted on my alcoholic friends” because the whole song reminds me of Salem but especially that part and by god are they a mess. That part in particular is them once again comparing themselves to Norman, wondering if she’d be better off getting a “normal job” like he has, but knowing that ultimately she’s not built for that life like Norman is. 

do your paras age with you, or are their ages static? does it feel weird to be older than a para you were previously the same age as?

I used to have them age with me, but it fucked with the paracosm timeline a little bit so now I think they’re more “static”, though they still age in-paracosm. bc of timeline shit.

if you had the opportunity to leave this world and live in your paracosm forever, would you? why or why not?

Yes. I mean, ideally I’d be one of my paras, but sure I guess if I’m just me that works too. Why? Have you seen the fucking world lately. Anyway like always I’d choose to live in Phantasmagoria, even though I’d get killed within the hour.

(if you have multiple) which paracosm of yours is most grounded in reality? which is most fantastical?

Most fantastical is probably just Eternal Labyrinth as a whole. I don’t really focus a whole lot on realism in my daydreams — fantasy bitch through & through — but I guess my current MaaC AU “This Life is Mine” can be considered the most “grounded”, even though it’s a superhero thing.

do you move a lot when daydreaming, and if so, in what ways?

I pace, run around a little bit. Go crazy go stupid etc. But I try to mostly stay still by sitting or laying down so I don’t seem Weird. 

have you ever wanted to make a piece of media of your paracosm (comic, animation, visual novel, novel, tv show, etc.)? what are elements that would be apart of it?

Oh absolutely! I truly believe a lot of my ‘cosms would work well as VNs, but I’ve also imagined some as animated shows. 

when you actively want to start daydreaming, what is your mind's process? do you tune back in like it's a tv show? flip through imaginary files? let it come naturally?

I kinda tune back in with a mini “previously on”, otherwise it just comes naturally since they’re usually in the background of my mind.

do you ever daydream about yourself (not a self insert, just you)?

No. I used to, but it just felt weird. 

what para would you absolutely hate in real life?

Oh…a LOT of them, probably. They are dumbasses, serial killers, and just terrible people after all.

when you experience a daydream block or crash, what are things you do to try and fix it? (or ways you cope. lmao i get it)

I try to consume new media to try and get some inspo or whatever. Most of the time I end up rewatching the same shit over and over again bc I got that flavor of brain that makes getting into new media hard for some reason. 

for fictparacosms, do your daydreams affect how you perceive the media and/or the fandom?

Kind of. I don’t really engage with fandoms that much anymore, and yeah my fictparacosms tend to be why. They’re usually AUs so I already feel…insecure, I guess, sharing them. And I haven’t had good experiences with fandom in the past, either.

With the media it’s based off of, it’s typically something I got hyperfixated on, which means my daydreams are an outlet for that lol. Once the hyperxitation is over the paracosm tends to fade a little bit or disappear entirely (which is why I don’t typically talk about my fictparacosms — they’re so short lived). Still, when it’s active, there comes a point where I stop engaging with the media altogether in favor of the fictparacom. I might watch some clips here and there, but that’s about it I think.

if you ever write down things about your daydreams (truly anything at all — notes, dialogues, descriptions, etc), share a random snippet with no context.

I try to. I was a lot…better(?) at writing down my daydreams — and just writing in general, I guess — when I was younger. idk. I know I should document my daydreams more often, it’s just…hard.

if your paras had madd/daydreamed immersively, what would they daydream about?

Reverie does have MaDD! She daydreamed about having a daughter, though thinking of her daydreams is weird to me. I will say, Rev is the goddess of daydreams & imagination, and made her para daughter, Lucid/Lucinda real, making her the goddess of lucid dreams. idk thats kinda all I know.

I’m sure some of my paras would have MaDD, especially those in AM or have interacted with Arcaynis in some way. Oh, Jervis has MaDD! He has two paracosms: an aiw one, and one about magicians. I don’t really like putting my paras on the daydream spectrum, it feels weird to me lol like breaking the fourth wall in a way. Even if, realistically, a few would indeed be MaDDers/IDDers. 

if you have tried to make your paras in character makers (picrew, meiker, etc), what is an aspect of your para that these makers never/rarely have?

An option for both horns and wings! Usually it’s either or (if an option at all). And the option to make the eyes different colors, or change the whites of the eyes. 

are your daydreams clear in your mind's eye?

Depends on my energy level, but generally speaking, yes. 

if you have multiple paracosms, what would it be like if they had a crossover?

Chaos. Pure, unadulterated chaos. My most fleshed out crossover AU is actually an apocalypse au, if that tells you anything. Granted, none of my paras caused the apocalypse, but still. Why can y'all only interact in an apocalypse goddamn.

[justafairytailofinnocence]

Of Gods and Queens🐍👑

Loki x fem reader

Chapter 3

Previous chapters :

chapter 1

Chapter 2

Commission from @kitxel-draws

Synopsis: Loki, the god of mischief, has brought chaos to new york. What happens when he meets a particular interesting human? Love? Havoc? or rather--amusement.

Warnings: swearing

--------

The young woman was dragged away with the Chitauri firmly grasping each side of her arm. It was a living nightmare; the dirt mixed with the blood and grime stained the golden marble floors of the palace. She felt like a peasant in some medieval castle that wouldn’t give her pardon for her freedom. Each step she took echoed through the unknown chamber’s staircase. She didn't know where they were taking her, she didn’t know; all that mattered was to keep her guard up as she prepared for the worst. Will she die in a fire? Be tossed in a den filled with lions? Be forced to fight a god that will demolish her? Or, become a toy for the god of mischiefs amusement. The last thought seemed promising. The distance of each step seemed to drag out longer and longer, and she wondered what the damn snake was thinking about; was it glory? Vengeance? Power? Oh, it was so obvious; it was all three. Only one question plagued y/n’s mind— ‘Why keep her alive’—she held no power nor authority on Asgard. Loki could’ve quickly taken one of the “heroes” as his captive since they are far more reliable than a mortal. Why go through all the effort to keep y/n alive? What could she offer that others couldn’t?

Loki had a goal, a plan to keep the Midgardian heroes at bay; the young woman was mortal, a civilian they couldn’t kill. It was against their values and morals to endanger anyone innocent, and for the woman, she was innocent enough. She just needed to be alive, unharmed, and untouched. So, he’ll play by their rules until he wins the game of heroes and gods.

The Chitauri had stopped outside an entrance; the inside seemed too beautiful to be true. The waters were clear, and steam emitted from the surface. The ponds inside were large and round; the tubs were coated in gold. To the side of the large tubs were statues of women wearing light fabric drapes pouring water from vases into the pond. The walls, floors and steps leading to the ponds were also covered in gold. This place seemed too magnificent; even for someone as plain as y/n made her feel like a mystical being. “Is this how I die?” she thought “, drowned by the hands of some ancient bastard”.

The force she felt while gripped by the Chitauri wasn’t by their strength but by another. One that couldn’t be seen or felt.

“Undress, girl”, The voice commanded.

“What?” Y/n questioned.

Y/n was confused. Did he command her to undress, to get naked? Y/n lightly blushed; she wanted to punch the seeming pervert and tell him to watch his words. She felt prepared for everything but not in a pleasurable way. The weird thing is that he didn’t seem interested in that kind of thing.

Y/n felt a strong force holding her back release; her hair loosened, and the pressure holding at her throat released. Her body felt like a weight of bricks; she came crashing down onto the ground; it reminded her of the feeling of getting pins and needles after an hour and not being able to walk.

“Was that my doing? I don’t seem to remember omitting any force to my movements,” Loki thought.

He brushed off the thought and demanded once more firmly. “Undress; your wounds cannot be attended to with all that filth and grime. By the gods, I will not allow my human shield to be rendered useless. Now undress.”

“Fuck—You—” She was in pain; her body felt agonizing, and every movement she made, made it worse. However, her spirit wasn’t weakened; her fight was over. She refused to back down even at the oddest of requests. She’ll keep going until she wins.

His game.

Anyways that's all I have for now:

Ta Ta ✨

[princess-of-the-corner]

Kingdom Hearts II: Final Mix Recap: Olympus Coliseum (Pain and Panic Cup)

First of all, shout-out to Mudarrow’s KH2:FM Proud Mode walkthrough! That’s what I’m using for research in conjunction with KH Wiki! I figured I’d share that tidbit now since I should REALLY be crediting my sources.

Also, one thing I forgot to mention: All Limits have a “Limit Gauge” that runs out very quickly when you don’t use their commands, so they will stop on their own if you don’t use the finisher.

Upon arrival in the Entrance to the Underworld, Sora, Donald, and Goofy note that there don’t appear to be any Heartless or Nobodies around.

There is, however, a large stadium of some kind on the other side of the River Styx (or is it the River Lethe? I don’t know which Underworld River this one is, and Disney took so many creative liberties I’m not sure what hints I could rely on).

They don’t know what it is, but Auron explains that it’s the Underdrome.

It’s Hades’ personal Coliseum, where Fiends of the Underworld once clashed endlessly.

However, Zeus didn’t like the senseless violence, so he locked it up.

SDG want to know how it got unlocked.

“Some fool must’ve gone and unsealed it,” Auron figures.

“What an idiot,” Sora replies, completely unaware of the irony.

Auron walks off, and when Sora suggests they could get caught up, Auron instead insists he go check in on his friends as the camera pans over to the gates that lead “upstairs”.

Auron is gone by the time they look back.

We then meet Pain and Panic.

Panic tells SDG to talk to him if they want to enter a tournament, and Pain lets them know that Hades was gracious enough to make it nonlethal.

And if you win, you’ll earn fabulous prizes.

Plus, more tournaments will be added from time to time.

Currently, the only available tournament is the Pain and Panic cup.

All enemies are level 25.

There are 10 rounds.

The gimmick is that you can’t use Drive Forms, but Limits consume less MP.

Also, the enemies don’t give you EXP of any kind.

Instead,t hey drop score prizes that increase your score. Winning with a score of 2,000 or greater will mark the tournament as complete in Jiminy’s Journal.

Round 4 has Hot Rods, so use your anti Hot Rod strategies.

Round 8 is a repeat of the Rapid Thruster Horde from the Land of Dragons, so you only have to survive 80 seconds.

Round 10 pits you against Leon and Yuffie.

Yuffie can no longer heal, but she can still jump around and teleport.

She can either perform a two-hit melee combo with her Shuriken, or jump into the air and yeet it at you.

Leon is the more dangerous of the two. He has two separate melee attacks he can perform with his Gunblade (either charging forward and performing a multihit combo, or slashing sideways twice before slashing away), and can also “unleash his fighting spirit” to power up his blade the same way he did in KH1 to enhance ALL of his attacks.

When you beat the Tournament, you’re taken to the awards ceremony, and Pain and Panic display the trophy in the Underworld Entrance.

As for your “fabulous prizes”?

You get a Protect Belt (armor item, +3 defense), and a Serenity Stone (synthesis material).

That’s all for the Tournament, but remember what I said about the Absent Silhouette? How I’d be covering it “later” when I had a good place to fit it.

Upon challenging the Absent Silhouette, SDG are taken to the storm tossed island, where said Absent Silhouette transforms into Zexion.

Zexion only has one attack, trapping SDG inside of Books. It cannot be blocked.

If Donald or Goofy are trapped in books, Sora will have to destroy the books to release them.

If Sora is trapped by this attack, then he gets transported to a nightmare dimension (along with both Donald and Goofy, releasing them from their own books if they were caught), where he must find and destroy the book that holds Zexion, while a bunch of fake books fly around.

Zexion can continue to attack Sora in this state, sealing his command menu (forcing Sora to use a reaction Command to turn the pages of the command menu until he finds the command to revert it to normal), dash around Sora and attack him while invisible, or a couple of more advanced attacks that can’t be summarized easily:

If Zexion traps Sora inside a book while Sora is already trapped in the nightmare dimension, then Sora will have to use the “Struggle” Reaction Command 10 times to escape it. Using it 10 times will generate the prompt for “Reset” which releases Sora. Using it 10 times in quick succession will generate the prompt for “Break” which frees Sora from the book and deals damage to the one Zexion is hiding in.

His most dangerous attack is one that clears out all the Books but 3, places them in the center of the room under 3 spotlights, and then flashes between the three books like some kind of roulette.

Once a spotlight has been chosen, meteor’s rain down.

Whichever book the roulette lands on is where SDG need to stand to avoid getting hit by the meteor barrage Zexion summons.

On the plus side, the book the roulette stops on will ALWAYS be the one holding Zexion, so this is also an opening.

Once the book holding Zexion has had its HP depleted, Sora gains the “Dispel” Reaction Command, which dispels the illusion of the Nightmare Dimension and allows SDG to continue fighting Zexion.

Once Zexion is defeated, he reverts back to an Absent Silhouette, and the Absent Silhouette fades from existence.

Sora gets an item slot.

Donald gets 3 more Max HP.

Goofy gets Damage Control (Damage is halved at low HP).

You also get the Book of Shadows (recipe for the Shadow Archive and Shadow Archive + accessories) and a Lost Illusion (Synthesis Material).

That’s it for Olympus Coliseum for now.

Next time, we cover one of those two Disney Worlds that was unlocked upon clearing Timeless River.

See you then.

-

Man has a complicated bossfight!

[tilbageidanmark]

Movies I watched this Week #115 (Year 3/Week 11):

(I went a bit crazy this week...)

🍿

“...You’re interested in fashion, Harmonica?...”

It took 3 accomplished writers to compose the epic saga Once Upon a Time in the West: Sergio Leone, Bernardo Bertolucci and Dario Argento. But without Ennio Morricone’s haunting film score this Spaghetti Western will not be half as iconic. Now I only have about 500 movies that he wrote music for left on my watch-list. 7/10.

🍿

2 by acclaimed Israeli director / actress Ronit Elkabetz:

🍿 Gett: The Trial of Viviane Amsalem is a harrowing nightmare of religious bigotry. Ronit and Shlomi Elkabetz (the only brother-sister director-duo I know of) directed 3 semi-autobiographical films about their long-suffering mother. This is the last of that trilogy.

Like other fanatically-patriarchal societies, Israel does not recognize the civil rights of married women to getting a divorce. So Viviane Amsalem, after 20 years of cruel & loveless marriage, must appeal to an orthodox Rabbinical court to receive a ‘Gett’. But the three old, misogynistic men with unchecked power over her, will not give her a fair shake. Her tortured 5-years travails in this medieval legal system is very hard to watch.

This whole claustrophobic drama takes place in one small, shabby room, and is composed of just a few figures arguing bitterly with each other. It’s extremely depressive, but is superbly staged and played.  

8/10 and no more, and only because I can’t stomach horror movies of the Taliban kind.

🍿 The girl on the train, my 2nd meandering French drama by André Téchiné, again with Catherine Deneuve. Émilie Dequenne, (who played Rémi's mother in the terrific Belgian ‘Close’), is younger and less grounded here. She plays a mixed up rollerblader who fabricates being a victim of an anti-Jewish hate crime. A light thriller that goes in many direction but has no exact center. Ronit Elkabetz plays an ex-wife of somebody with no real connection to the main story. 3/10.

🍿

My stuff, a small, interesting, year-long documentary from Finland. A young filmmaker conducts an experiment on himself by getting rid of all his material possessions. Starting butt-naked in his completely empty apartment, he retrieves only one item per day from the storage unit where all his ‘stuff’ is packed, in order to see what he really needs to survive, and thrive. So on the first night, he runs naked through Helsinki’s snow-covered streets to the storage place, and picks a winter coat. The second day, shoes, the third one a blanket, then, a pair of pants, Etc. The first month feels like a thriller. After about 4 months, he picks up his cell phone, and slowly fills up his place, and life, with some of what he owned before.

It’s a well-told story about consumerism. After 50 or 60 'things’, he stops going to the storage place daily, simply because he doesn’t need urgent things any more. With 100 items to his name, he feels that he functions ‘nearly’ at capacity, and with 200 items, he’s comfortable. (Photo Above).

This film was ‘relevant to my interests’. In 2019 I left my 4,500 sq.ft. house in Southern California, after also getting rid of everything that I ever owned, and moved to the other side of the world with an iPad and 2 suitcases of clothes. Since then, I continued to live a minimalist, monk-like existence in a closet-size room, with a bed, a desk, a chair, and a lamp. And in many ways, I feel better now than most other periods of my life. 8/10.

🍿  

2 more from unique Swedish-Egyptian director Tarik Saleh:

🍿 Saleh’s strange ‘Metropia’ was one of the most original dystopias I’ve ever seen. His latest political nail-biter, Boy from heaven (AKA Cairo Conspiracy) is as different and still as masterful as his debut film. An Egyptian intrigue story, spoken only in Arabic with zero European/Western influences, except of the immaculate film style and conventions. A son of a humble fisherman receives an offer to study at the prestigious Al-Azhar university. Naive and devout, he finds himself in the weeds of a deadly power struggle between the omniscient Secret Security forces and the entrenched medieval Imams. It’s an all-male, religious environment not often seen on film. 9/10.

🍿 Tommy is his most accessible (= traditional) movie: A tight crime thriller about the steadfast wife of a feared mobster. She returns to Stockholm from Sri Lanka to collect the 40M loot from his last major robbery - without letting his colleagues know that he had been killed while in hiding. Dark, ominous and unexpected.

🍿  

I’m certain that Turn Every Page: The Adventures of Robert Caro and Robert Gottlieb will probably stay as one my favorite films of the year, when I do a recap of 2023. This is an extraordinary documentary about two remarkable men: The biographer and his lifelong editor.

Caro spent his whole life writing about two complex, larger-than-life power brokers; Robert Moses, who had shaped New York City more than any mayor or governor, and Lyndon Johnson, who established the American modern welfare system. Gottlieb helped him pare his first book down to 1750 (!) pages, and his Johnson saga to 4 (plus a fifth one still being written) hefty tomes. The fascinating documentary by Lizzie Gottlieb, Editor Bob’s daughter, shows these two literary titans as absolutely worthy subjects themselves. Wonderful in every imaginable way. 10/10.

🍿  

Sundown, my first by Mexican director Michel Franco. In the spirit of ‘Aftersun’, and ‘Bergman Island’, and ‘A bigger splash’, and ‘The lost daughter’, it seems that Tim Roth has been recently taking more rolls that allows him to combine move-making with existentialist vacations to beaches in exotic lands.

Here he’s a taciturn, detached man on a lovely vacation in Acapulco who doesn’t want to return home to London. Unassuming and unsettling, it’s hard to figure out the painful reasons that makes him take the steps he does. Absolutely mesmerizing! 9/10   

🍿 

“... Here’s to sugar on our strawberries”...

First watch, The swimmer: Very hunky Burt Lancaster, very blue-eyed and clad in blue swimming trunks only, tries to swim home across all the pools in his upper class Connecticut suburb. With the same voice as Dr. Archibald "Moonlight" Graham, he sounds commending and self-assured, but something doesn’t get quiet right. What had caused this successful ex-adman to be so shunned and out of touch? With Marvin Hamlisch’s first terrific film score. 8/10.

🍿

Me and My Gal, a 1932, pre-code romantic comedy with Spencer Tracy and Joan Bennett. Directed by Raoul Walsh. A waterfront cop and a wise-cracking cafe waitress, as well as her sister who gets married but still loves a sleazy mobster.

🍿  

“Today I learnt” about Alice Guy-Blaché, a French pioneer filmmaker who was probably the first and only female filmmaker in the world between 1896 to 1906. She later was also the first woman to build a movie studio, The Solax Company in Flushing, NY, which was the largest pre-Hollywood studio in America. From 1896 to 1920, she directed over 1,000 films, some 150 of which survived, and 22 of which are feature-length.

🍿 Her 1896 The Fairy of the Cabbages is considered the world’s first narrative film ever, and the first to be directed by a woman. The original version is lost, and the remaining clip is from a 1900 version.

🍿 Pierrette's Escapades (1900), a 2-minute hand-tinted ballet film, with possible lesbian tones.

🍿 The Consequences of Feminism (1906) is a fascinating alternate history short with gender role reversal: Men cook, iron and tend to the children, and woman chase them while hanging out in cafes, smoking and drinking.

🍿 A Fool and His Money (1912), the first Narrative film with an all black cast. A comedy about a dishwasher who finds a wallet full of cash.

🍿 Falling Leaves (1912), a wonderful drama about a cute little girl who tries to save her sister suffering from consumption with the help of a “bacteriologist” who had discovered a new serum. The girl behaves like Jackie Coogan in Chaplin’s ‘The Kid’.

More of her silent films are on YouTube. This is from a good ‘Metafilter’ post.

🍿

2 More by Hal Roach with Harold Lloyd (and real-life wife) from 1920:

🍿 An Eastern Westerner, a spoiled rich son from the East Coast is being sent westward, and falls in love with the first girl he meets. Mildred Davis was a silent-era actress who starred in 15 of Lloyd’s films, married him, stopped acting, but then stayed with him until old age (unlike most Hollywood’s love affairs).

🍿 High and Dizzy, another short about a drunk doctor who tries to heal a female sleepwalker. Not too funny, but it includes a scene where both are teetering on a ledge of a high building, just like that famous routine from ‘Safety first’.

🍿

3 more by Charlie Chaplin:

🍿 Making a living, Chaplin’s very first film, where he plays a seedy swindler with a top hat and a drooping mustache. A Keystone comedy from 1914, completed in 3 days.

🍿 First watch: Behind the screen, a 1916 slapstick 2-reeler, with regular co-players Edna Purviance and Eric Campbell. Great fun, especially the final pie-throwing sequence. 

🍿 The Gold Rush, the classic comedy which includes the many scenes of ‘Eating the shoe’, ‘The bread rolls dance’, ‘Dangling cabin’, ‘Hallucinatory chicken’ and more.

🍿

La ciénaga (The Swamp, 2001) by Lucrecia Martel is another masterful debut film from a young female director. It is considered today as the "Greatest film of Argentine cinema, by a wide margin”. It bristles with uncomfortable restlessness and nightmarish ennui, reminiscent of a Sartre play. A chaotic, atmospheric, noisy no-story about a large middle class family who gathers in a decaying summer house near the border, getting bogged down by screaming kids, running dogs, disconnected sights of the Virgin Mary and one unfortunate mishap after another.

I was planning on paring it with Martel’s recent film ‘Zama’, but this confusing film exhausted me so much, I’ll anxiously keep ‘Zama’ for another time.

🍿  

William Friedkin-adjacent X 3:

🍿 The laudatory Italian documentary Friedkin Uncut (2018) starts with the statement: “To me the two most interesting characters in the history of the world are Hitler and Jesus”. It's a traditional reflection of one old man’s successful career. But it got me to search for a few of his many top-ten.

(Also, his first wife, out of 4, was Jeanne Moreau).  

🍿 “... If I have to be a corpse - I’ll be a presentable corpse!...”

The Wages of Fear, my 3rd film by Henri-Georges Clouzot (after ‘Les diaboliques’ and ‘Le mystère Picasso’). I have no idea how I could go so long without seeing it before. But this vicious, bleak thriller was too nerve-racking for me: I was planning to watch it together with Friedkin’s ‘Sorcerer’ which was an adaptation of the same source material, but I had to give it up; It was just too incredibly tense for me. 10/10. 

🍿 In 1974, after the success of ‘The French connection’, William Friedkin was able to fan-interview Fritz Lang at his home. The 90 minutes raw footage is available on YouTube.

I was not aware that Lang is the person who actually invented the rocket-launching convention of ‘The Countdown’ (in his ‘Woman in the moon’). Also, I really need to see Lang’s films that I missed so far, ‘The big heat’, ‘Dr. Mabuse’, Etc.

🍿  

As much as I love to see other films from Italian cities of the early ‘60′s, and as much as it inspired Coppola in describing The Corleone familial dynamics, Visconti’s homoerotic epic Rocco and His Brothers didn’t speak to me. The performances of Annie Girardot's as Nadia the Putana and gorgeous Alain Delon as Rocky were tragic, and Nino Rota’s score was superb, though.

🍿

My first 2 wordless shorts by Melvin van Peebles:

🍿 Three Pickup Men for Herrick (1957) was his very first film. 5 day laborers wait on a street corner to be picked up for some work, but only 3 are needed.

🍿 Cinq cent balles (1963): A Parisian boy attempts to retrieve a 500 franc note from a storm drain. 7/10.

🍿  

I watched Cocaine Bear only because Sammy said it’s like a Carl Hiaasen b-movie, knowing full well it’s not my kind of thing. But it did start with a citation from Wikipedia, and is Ray Liotta’s last film. 3/10.

🍿

Goodbye, Dragon Inn is my first by celebrated Taiwanese director Tsai Ming-liang. Like ‘Cinema Paradiso’ transported to Taipei, it’s the last night of a movie theater that went out of business, and it follows the few people who remained for the last show.

I love me some ‘Slow Cinema’ as much as the next guy, and I’m glad I stuck around until the last rainy shot full of pathos and nostalgia. But this was WAY too slow even for me. 2/10.

🍿

I love Isabelle Huppert and I tried to watch all her movies. But After her recent creepshow Greta, I think I’ll ease up with this fanboy obsession. A freaky ‘Fatal Attraction’ updated for no reason, with irritating young actresses instead of Michael Douglas. 1/10.

🍿

I only picked up the British historical film Pride, because it promised Thatcher Hate, and who wouldn’t relish hating again that despicable hag. London Gay & lesbian activists raising money for Welsh coal strikers in 1984? Check. Bill Nighy, Paddy Considine, Faye Marsay, Imelda Staunton, Dominic West, Andrew Scott playing? Check. But historical dramas about old bigotry are dramatically cheap, because the sanitized outcomes can’t be surprising, so there’s zero suspense left in the story. 3/10.

🍿  

The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore, an animated short from Louisiana, that won the 2012 Oscar, over for Pixar’s ‘Luna’. Simple computer animation about the “love of books”. 3/10.

🍿    

Throw-back to the "Art project”:  

Pride Cookie Adora.

🍿

(My complete movie list is here)

[shadowisles-writes]

I'm glad you had a good weekend (and apparently we're twins because I also went to a Christmas market).

I think a lot of people have been asking favorite book but I'm going to mix it up and ask what's your favorite scene in the ACOTAR series (although knowing your favorite book would also be helpful).

Also, I figured I'd check now, what ships are you interested in receiving a gift for (I know you said Elucien on your sheet but I wanted to make sure that hadn't changed your mind).

~ Cheers (with eggnog) your secret santa

Are we twins or just soulmates?

You’re making this so hard because I suck at picking favorites but I’ll try my best :) I just finished my acomaf reread and the throne scene when they go to the court of nightmares? Truly unparalleled. Feyre like that in Rhys’ lap with his hands all over her will never not do things to me.

I’m also MILDLY obsessed with Lucien breaking the king of Hybern’s spell to free himself and go to Elain to cover her with his jacket, but that’s more of a *sobs uncontrollably* kind of scene.

My favorite romance is proooobably The Love Hypothesis because I’m a grad student in a biology lab so it’s the perfect love story. However Book Lovers and The Kiss Quotient are close behind!!

In fantasy there’s this series called ACOTAR, idk if you’ve heard of it? I also read the plated prisoner series this year and LOVED it.

In terms of ships I love Elucien but I’m equally happy receiving something Gwynriel or Feysand! I don’t usually see much Nessian content going around but I love them too so anything from those four is perfect <3